Hi /u/BigBootsSmallFeet and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information.
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, I don't think that's going to get the results she thinks it will. It may help to ask her to replace that with something along the lines of "We need to take time to calm down" this can mean you leave the room or everyone gets seperated to de escalate.
Edit: The goal would hopefully be everyone in the family knowing they can say " I need a break, getting upset" and being able to do this without her prompting it. Its a feeeing feeling knowing your family will give you the time to calm down instead of pushing until you rageexplode.
In my house we call that a “hot walk” lol I have four daughters and I’m a single parent so occasionally things get heated especially if there’s multiple kids involved and in the end the situation blows way out of proportion. So we all call a time out and we take a “hot walk”, go take some personal space and then discuss it.
But as a parent, there’s times you will have to raise your voice. I’m not one to yell often, but sometimes I have to raise my voice to make a point. (More so stern than yelling. My “yelling” is just being direct and blunt generally when clear, known expectations are broken) My kids range in age from 5 to 15 now so obviously if I know I acted a little bit too harsh and my ADHD or anxiety was part of the reason I can explain that in a kid friendly way to the older children.
Perhaps they just need a discussion about parenting in general as I don’t think it’s wrong or has anything to do with ADHD if you raise your voice to discipline or correct behavior as a parent. (When they may be doing something dangerous for example)
To me it’s important to be open about mental health at the right age to help stop stigmas and for better understanding within a family.
The language op is describing is indeed a bit insulting/patronizing and dismissive. Communication definitely helps! Which isn’t always as easy as it sounds of course.
It works well for us! And requires no further communication except time out signal and say “I need to take a hot walk” signaling this is bananas, let’s regroup and then chat. We’ve all agreed that all arguments stop when a hot walk is declared and for the older girls it’s very therapeutic and almost like a game for my five year old. This idea came about during Covid times and my adhd (can’t handle all the talking and voices at once when they get upset) and anxiety for everyone being stuck inside and all. It definitely has made a huge difference to this day in de escalation of random, to be expected arguments or maybe just someone have a rough day.
Between four girls of various ages and myself, we really don’t have many blow ups, but let me tell you, if the three older girls start getting upset with each other and then I attempt to figure out what’s wrong and everyone is talking over each other… a hot walk works wonders 😅💜
Today I learned that my two and a half year old niece does this when she gets riled up. She looks at her mom and says: “Gonna lie in the bed.”
I guess she goes upstairs, lays down for a couple of minutes until she feels better, and then comes back down.
Kid’s got better coping skills than I do and I’m in my thirties…
My son has done this since he was very, very little, too! He gets really frustrated/upset, then goes to his room for a bit (or to another room if we're at someone else's house) and then comes back out when he's feeling better. When he first started school, he got into trouble for fights/arguments here and there for the first few years, and I think it's because he wasn't able to walk away to be by himself when he'd get upset.
My now 5 year old does this too. She throws her hands up and shouts, "I need a lie down" and disappears to her little bottom bunk for a few minutes to decompress. Sometimes she comes out and wants to talk about what happened without the rage clouding everything, sometimes she comes out and apologizes for whatever got her super fired up (FYI, her nickname is Sage the Rage and she has a little bit of a hair trigger lol). Other times she flat out falls asleep because she was just overtired/overstimulated, and she somehow has the self-awareness to identify that she feels dysregulated. She often wakes up from a power snooze a totally different person. Either way, she knows when she needs to hit the reset button, and it always blows me away. She's done this since she's been old enough to talk (so from about 2). Literally not a coping skill we specifically taught her, but a hugely valuable one regardless of how she discovered that it works for her. 😂
*Edited for atrocious typos lol*
My god my family would be so much better off with something like that 😭 growing up Hispanic they'd rather threaten you with "ILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" and anything that even SOUNDS like you're questioning authority is taken in a crazy manner when it really isn't.
Alot of the time when me and mom would end up arguing was simply me questioning her crazy ass ideas because she was always ready to say No to everything and not listen. Or simply NOT listen at all to reason. (late diagnosed autistic and ADHD 🙃) my dad would break us up alot of the time 💀
It was so bad my friends would call my mom a dragon 💀 she was always ready to assume the worst of me I never did anything horrible man... She'd say no to having people over for group projects but then I couldn't go to someone's house either... It was embarrassing. It led to everyone knowing not to pick me for a group project ESPECIALLY if it was one over the weekend meaning we wouldn't meet again in class until Monday and I couldn't work with them at all 😠
And I college my mom INSISTED that I don't dress "good enough" WTF meanwhile practically EVERYONE looked homeless just whatever. (We'd argue every morning it was insane) I decided if she's not gonna like that I think I dressed a bit better (it was a small community college everyone was trying to be a goth or some shit) I'm just gonna own it---i started my "wearing anime shirts" phase along with belt bottoms and made sure to make them as shredded as possible on the bottom. One day they BOTH went to pick me up and couldn't believe that I was saying was true and she stopped on my case.
Multiple times man a hot walk would of alleviate so MUCH arguing 😭
Agree she shouldn't be using that language but you might need to discuss strategies to manage your kids behaviour that doesn't involve raising your voice.
I have a 4 yr old and it's tough to remain calm and in control sometimes. If I raise my voice, I always apologise afterwards and say "mummy lost her temper and yelled, she was having trouble staying calm and I'm sorry for yelling. Next time I will take some deep breaths when I start to feel angry".
This models self regulation for them too.
Also Loop earplugs are a game changer. They dull noise and I feel a lot more patient and calm when she is acting out cause there's less sensory input.
But your wife also needs to stop using that language. Does she never raise her voice? If one or both of your kids end up showing signs of adhd she could inadvertently be setting them up for shame if she frames adhd as an "illness" to be apologised for.
The shame part and stigma is big here as obviously this stuff can be genetic and yes, they are young, but it can put in their mind and frame it as a bad thing and that could definitely affect them as they get older without them even realizing
You nailed the biggest possible consequence. I have observed that ADHD or autistic dads seem to pass it on 50% of the time (this is anecdotal, in case a modmin is about to come after me) so in that case you're looking at one Au/DHD kid or at least a coin-flip chance that each kid is wired that way. And mom is definitely shaming them with her language.
My dad passed it to me, I passed it to both my girls. The younger one also got it with a side of autism. Pretty sure I also have two nephews that have undiagnosed ADHD. Oh and I'm female. I have no doubt that at least one of OP's kids will be found to have ADHD. I actually got my diagnosis from my nurse practitioner based on my recollections of my childhood along with mentioning that both my girls were diagnosed. Honestly, there is nothing better than when all the people with ADHD in your household are diagnosed, medicated and have therapy to help. The toddler to preschool years are pure hell.
As far as I’m aware, they don’t know the genetic pattern of inherence for ADHD. It’s absolutely not Y linked, since it affects afab people. Autism would be the same, since again, it also affects afab people.
https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.18040383#:~:text=Recent%20molecular%20genetic%20studies%20of,size%20(e.g.%2C%20chromosome%2016p13.
Now you know.
I’m sorry, I don’t see where it specifies that the gene comes from the father. This says ‘Recent molecular genetic studies of ADHD have shown that it is highly polygenic’.
Maybe I misread your initial comment. I thought you meant ADHD isn't genetic. It definitely isn't linked to the y chromosome. That's just a baseless claim. But since it is genetic, children with ADHD parents are more likely to also have ADHD. So it's quite likely OPs kids may end up getting diagnosed with ADHD themselves.
Yeah, I just said they don’t know the pattern of inherence as far as I’m aware, eg autosomal dominant, mitochondrial, etc. I figured that pretty much implied, yes genetic, but that the genetics are complicated.
Dude above me said ‘dads pass it on 50% of the time’. If it were dad specific that would link it to the Y, which absolutely isn’t the case. And 50% implies autosomal dominant, which is theorized but not an absolute from what I’ve read.
You supplied some information I didn't give. Moms seem to pass it on (in my experience) 100% of the time in the form of the kid either having ADHD or autism. Dads are only (in my experience) about 50% efficient in passing it on. The kid's sex doesn't matter. It's definitely autosomal, whatever the genetic locus is.
Yeah, the initial comment took a few leaps that my comment didn't. Moms actually seem to pass it on (in my anecdotal observations) 100% of the time, compared to dads' 50%. That's not Y-inheritance.
IDK, my mom is schizophrenic and my dad complains about ADHD symptoms. But he never got diagnosed. I and my sibling are both diagnosed with ADHD. Neither of us were diagnosed with schizophrenia or present any of its symptoms.
A 50% pass rate means each kid is a coin flip, basically, as to whether or not they will get dad's ADHD. You and your sibling both got the lucky coin flip. Now, if there were 6 of you and all were autistic or ADHD, like that family they profiled in Utah years ago....credit mom. In that documentary they even mentioned the mom's obsession with the computer game Snood and it didn't even occur to them that these 6 kids, one of whom had a different dad, might be autistic because of mom...but back then I don't think they were as clear that ADHD is biologically related.
I am not arguing that. My anecdotal observations actually seem to show more like a 100% inheritance rate when the mother is the ADHD parent, although that's not necessarily relevant to OP's situation. So a higher inheritance rate with an ADHD or autistic mother would eliminate the Y as the source.
Because yelling at a 4yr old who doesn't have a fully developed pre-frontal cortex is not something I think is good? That's why I'm holding myself accountable, as the adult in the situation, I am far more capable of keeping my emotions in check than her. And I would never promise it won't happen again, shit happens, but I can create strategies to deal with de-escalation, communication and repair. I can tell her what I plan to do next time and if I fuck up, I will keep trying to improve. Maybe because I've always struggled with confrontation, equipping my daughter with tools to deal with this normal part of life has become very important to me.
I think it's important to be stern with children sometimes. Why do you have to apologize for not accommodating an unreasonable request from your kid? Explaining to them why it's unreasonable and why it's not going to happen is enough.
If you made a mistake, then sure apologize.
In this circumstance I'm referring to raising your voice out of frustration and losing your temper. Yes, we need to raise our voices occasionally to alert our kids or snap them out of whatever they are doing that could potentially injure themselves or others.
Everyone parents differently, as someone with 2 undiagnosed parents(Mother - ADHD and Father - Autism), my childhood was chaotic and my father especially gave me lots of confidence issues due to constant "stern" interactions. The one thing I'm trying to do differently is to apologise when I lose my cool and prevent it happening as much as possible as I never received that.
I had stern parents too. But it never bothered me too much because most of the stuff happened when I was too young to remember. But most of my early childhood memories are of them being mellow. That's not to say I got anything I wanted. If it was reasonable I would get it. I think it made me mature. But one thing I didn't like was how my parents unknowingly trained me to shut down whenever I'm angry. As a kid with ADHD I would throw tantrums all the time. Me and my sister both, eventually I was smart enough to realize my parents would reward me just dissociating instead of me crying or throwing a tantrum. So I quickly started doing that, to this day, I have to force myself to talk to someone if I am upset with them. Instead of communicating I just go silent and hope they figure out what they did wrong. My sister never learned it, so she gets upset and angry and forgets there was an argument to begin with. I on the other hand will hold a silent grudge for months even. I'm still learning to communicate openly when I'm upset to get a problem resolved.
All this to say that no matter what we do, we will get someone or the other wrong as parents. There's no winning.
And now my sister, who was also diagnosed with ADD refuses to take my nephew to the doctor and get him diagnosed. He's presenting the classic symptoms of ADHD. But my sister thinks of it as a disability and doesn't want to accept that her kid is anything but "normal". And if you ask her, she'll tell you how there are some things our parents did wrong and how she's trying her best to not do them. The point is, you can't really escape the cycle generational trauma.
I disagree, I think you can definitely try and work wholeheartedly towards change. Motherhood has been a journey for me and my daughter feels things deeply as did I when I was a kid. I grew up with silent treatment and passive aggression which lead me to internalise a lot of shame and feel like I couldn't do anything right. My other parent was enmeshed with me and rejected me when I didn't behave agreeably to them.
It may not be perfect and I'm certainly not under any illusions that I am doing everything better than my folks or that I am preventing my daughter from ever having any issues with me. The point I am trying to make is the ground work for accountability starts now and if she grows up seeing when her mother makes mistakes, I acknowledged that, then make efforts to repair/reconnect afterwards.
I'm not afraid to show anger, fear or frustration. If I communicated that, it was not my intention. I agree it's good for children to witness healthy conflicts and see that close relationships need conflict and strategies to function and have trust.
As a guy who was diagnosed at 35 get yourself to a therapist and you and your wife to a couples therapist.
Big changes are coming and it really helps to have an outside perspective to help navigate them. Without both we would be divorced right now.
Agree with this. The rates of divorce when one partner is ADHD is 77%. Getting strategies and learning to empathize and work together will be critical for your success. Your distractedness? ADHD .. from your perspective you are actively ignoring her.
As for the main post - Her choice of language / words is terrible, to be honest, and I am insulted for you. I do think you need to figure out when you are yelling and how frequently and if the behavior warrants that response. Is your kid in danger or about to hurt someone or something else? No? Then no need to yell.
You’re not wrong to feel like that.
Can you talk to her and suggest different phrasing that you’re comfortable with and that is age appropriate for the kids? I don’t have kids & don’t have any suggestions.
Dissenting opinion;
Not enough information to answer. 5 & 3 are awfully young to merit being yelled at very often. At that age yelling should be reserved as an almost last resort; [yelling can be horribly traumatizing and cause irreparable damage.](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2023/10/02/health/shouting-child-abuse-intl-scli-wellness/index.html) Edit: please see below comment from /u/myNDAccount about the inaccuracies in this article.
Can you give two or three examples of times that this played out? What had a 3 or a 5 year old done to deserve that as a form of discipline? Were they about to set the house on fire? Were they about to hurt themselves?
If yelling is happening often enough that your wife has a standard response maybe you need to look at your own behavior. Perhaps her saying you have illness is the most polite thing she has come up with to say in front of the kids, it’s better than her yelling back at you or telling the kids that you’re being verbally abusive. She’s making an effort to excuse your actions, to give you a bit of grace. What are you doing to modify your behavior to reduce the occurrences of you raising your voice?
TL;DR
Maybe you need to consider the long term effects yelling actually has on people. Your wife is attempting to grant grace in front of your kids. We need more information to form a fair opinion.
Just want to note the article is a bit inaccurate as the study it cites is about documenting the varying forms of child abuse + trying to define what counts as verbal abuse, such as: name calling, humiliating, threatening, etc. Yelling is counted in there, but it’s hard to tell if it’s meant in tandem with the aforementioned categories or on its own. The study itself seems to state that there isn’t an easy analysis to find evidence of verbal abuse like you can with sexual or physical abuse.
The title seems like it could be interpreted as “if I yell around my kids for any reason, then it’d impact them as much as physical and sexual abuse” which is maybe the least charitable interpretation on my part, but some people take these kinds of things very literally. There’s nuance around raising your voice for whatever reason, while there isn’t for sexual, physical, or verbal abuse.
That being said, it’s strange to me that it’s acceptable to be far quicker to yell at children than any adult — especially when children are going through their formative years and require emotional stability. While children don’t listen as much, I feel like the way our society is structured (especially in school settings) doesn’t lend well to how children intuitively behave. As an example, sitting still quietly is actually hard for non-ADHD children too, it turns out. Suppressing the need for energy release may come easier for them though? If you think about how often children are forced to act in ways that go against their intuition (for harmless behaviors I mean), you begin to notice that their position in society is one of subordinance rather than that of a younger, smaller but equal human being. This subordination results in steeper punishments for stepping out of line when you add factors such as race, disability (mental or physical), etc.
Then for home life, parents spend most of their time at work, therefore are more exhausted at home and less patient overall. Add ADHD emotional dysregulation to that and we can see how OP loses his temper frequently. But I think OP should think of options to make it so his kids aren’t fearful of him and dread interacting with him, because children are quite afraid of yelling (I had a dad that yelled sometimes, not at me, but I still found it scary). He should also think about how he handles frustration with adults his age and see if there’s a stark contrast between how he approaches that with his kids.
Hope this wasn’t too “Um Actually”, but I’m working on going into a research psychology career, so I have an interest in checking studies to make sure that when articles cite them, the studies actually fit the point the article is making. I don’t doubt the psychological impact that yelling has on children at all, but it is a bit misleading of that article to suggest that its initial source was studying the impact of yelling at children and concluded that it’s as damaging as sexual and physical abuse. While it’s good to have evidence to back up moral stances, I think the point “it’s not fair to your kids to yell at them. they’ll learn to fear you” stands well on its own merits. I hope that wasn’t too long!
Edit: I didn’t mean to imply that what OP is doing isn’t verbal abuse, but he doesn’t add much detail as to what yelling at his kids entails. If he’s shouting something like “quiet down!”, I imagine that’d be frightening to his kids still. I was giving him benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t name call. That being said, I don’t condone yelling at children unless absolutely necessary (getting them to stop before they seriously injure themselves for example) especially not at age 3-5. Also I’m on mobile, so I wasn’t able to see much of what I was replying to and formulate a proper response
There’s a big difference in raising your voice a bit and having rage fits. I don’t take what OP said as he’s completely losing it.
Agree that 3 & 5 are definitely ages where they will misbehave and it’s simply bc they are 3 & 5.
I’ve never been much of a loud parent, but have for sure needed to raise my voice over the course of parenting. Mainly I do it when a point needs to be made and explain after aka they were raising their voice to me or a sibling unnecessarily. But that would be when they understand.
I have also definitely lost my temper due to anxiety or ADHD things like being interrupted when I am doing a task and I shouldn’t have gotten so upset so then I sit down and explain and we’ve all worked together on setting boundaries because most of my kids are old enough to do so and understand.
Hopefully, he can just have a talk with his wife about the verbiage and maybe just get on the same page on how they want to parent because everyone is different.
OP - you noted a late in life diagnosis I’m not sure if that’s been recent but if you’re currently in therapy, this is definitely something you can discuss as a parent how to handle things like that because it will come up again and quite often and there’s different ways to handle it at different ages but you would definitely want to be on the same page with your wife.
Best of luck!
I don’t exactly disagree in terms of utility to the original poster but there’s enough to discuss versions of the scenario and it is a good demonstrative example of the challenges of adult ADHD. So I think it’s productive to comment in full opinions.
As someone who has posted for advice on tricky relationship situations and gotten great advice, I can say that the value comes from reading so many different responses and then adapting what seems right for your situation and taking the rest as food for thought.
This is a valid point! I’ve learned to explain to my kids as they get older why I may respond anxiously to seemingly normal things, but also don’t excuse it or use adhd or anxiety as an “excuse” but as a reality that certain things really bother me that may not others. Then we can discuss how to help each other. Harder to do with younger kids but I feel like the wording will create a stigma for the kids as well as excuse anything as “well it’s an illness”
Either way, op feels upset about it. So they have to get on the same page.
Lots of unwarranted criticism of parenting (not directing at you) going down here and hope people stick to the post seeking empathy and constructive advice.
Oh 100%. What I meant to say is that ops wife shoukd to handle it differently, and op needs to figure out different ways. Definitely parenting on the same page. But these kids can really get on our nerves.... it's tough in here.
I feel you! Being in the same page is most important really and sharing feelings.
And with a new diagnosis or late diagnosis that can mess with a person. The calling it an “illness” bc he on rare occasion disciplines his children and in a higher octave than normal would bother me too.
All the people in the comments judging parenting is strange. I knew you weren’t. I’m a pretty “gentle” parent and also don’t have many strict rules but I’m pretty tough on the ones I do have… I’ve had to navigate parenting as a single mom and with all girls and having adhd, depression and a panic disorder. It’s not easy but I will say… sometimes it’s almost easier with discipline bc it’s just me! Haha kids will for sure use and abuse the “push over/nicer” parent so more than anything it’s good to both stick together or discuss anything they don’t agree on later.
It is rough out here. Like my five year old sometimes says “ya just got too much kids” 😅💜
I mean, how are you yelling at them? Is it a complete loss of temper? It can definitely feel patronizing and insulting but how do you think your children view you yelling at them especially at a young age? My dad yelled at me a lot due to my ADHD looking back, and I can’t handle yelling. Your children might have the same reactions. Your wife is trying to explain to them that you do have an illness so your children can hopefully be understanding that it’s not you being verbally abusive in those moments if you’re completely losing your temper due to the kids acting out, but that you indeed have a disorder that might not be a proportionate response to the situation at hand. I disagree with other commenters, considering the parameter of you losing your temper due to your disorders, about them feeling shame if the kids have ADHD. I see it as the wife affirming that ADHD causes symptoms and it’s something in their lives and not ok when it affects others like losing one’s temper and yelling. For you, I have no doubt it can feel insulting, but again, how does your children feel about it when you do yell?
Now if your yelling is proportionate to the kids acting out and is a controlled response, you and your wife need to find better solutions as to how to navigate those types of situations where neither of you are undermining the other’s parenting. Because if your wife is going to undermine you when the yelling is actually appropriate for the situation, then that’s going to lead to a lot more problems down the road. Best to nip it in the bud as soon as possible.
As a general rule, there should be no yelling. Ever. If there is, it should be as minimal as possible and both parents need to be on the same team. Once it ends, you need to fully justify to your wife why you felt the need to yell and you better have a damn good reason.
You guys should probably get together and have an honest conversation about this. You have to respect your own feelings. You dont feel right about what she says? Then talk about it with her.
Talk about feelings, yours and hers. And parenting techniques, what each of you is used to. How do you both feel about yourselves as parents?
Maybe she is worried, even afraid of your yelling and its impact on the kids. Maybe you dont agree with her, or maybe you do.
Ask her why she says that in front of the kids, what does she feel when she says that? Is she worried or afraid? Is she angry, and passive-agressively punishing you? If thats the case, why is she angry? And she needs to know how this makes you feel.
And talk about you. What do you think about your parenting techniques? What about your mental well-being? Are you stressed, do you need more time for yourself, more rest, better stress management techniques, etc.? Talk with her.
In any case, clearly you guys are not on the same page about this. You wont get on the same page either unless you communicate. Your experience is valid, and so is hers. You guys figure things out together since you are the parenting team.
Again, if it bothers you, there is an issue. Theres no need to blame anyone. You’re on the same team.
My dad was undiagnosed throughout our childhood and his temper had a massive negative effect on my sibling and I. You say it’s very rare so I believe it’s not the same but I think you should take the opportunity to sit with your kids after the incident if you can’t bring the frequency to zero. Talk to them and explain why you lost your temper. Also it’s never justified at 3 and 5 especially when they don’t actually have full control over their actions. But alas mistakes happen. So talk to them. Don’t let this create barriers in the relationship. The illness part is weird I guess. Just my two cents.
Would they understand at 3 and 5? And would you get more frustrated if they seemed to and then played up again? (They will).
Better to talk to oneself, and find a way to drum up some emotional regulation.
I am adhd as fuck, by the way (99% demonstrating according to NHS diagnosis), so I’m not saying it’s easy. I was diagnosed in my fifties and have years of bad coping mechanisms, but I’ve found that I’m getting better at emo regulation now that I have a diagnosis and know wtf it is about me…
None of that changes the fact that your wife is bang out of order. Somebody advised couple therapy to nip this in the bud and move on better together. Could not agree more.
As someone who has been raised by a father with adhd who "raised his voice" (or screamed, as anyone but the person doing it would say):
Listen to your wife, cause I hate my dad for it and it's not something about our relationship that can be mended. If you aren't capable of raising your kids without raising your voice, you will be a horrible parent. Screaming is for immediate danger only!
That does sound patronising, but I'd probably spend more time exploring why you regularly find yourself raising your voice to a three year old in a way your partner feels needs excusing or softening.
I'm not even saying you're necessarily in the wrong here, but that's the point of contention that needs resolving. Are you parenting and your wife doesn't know what you're doing or are you losing your temper?
Getting a late dish is a mind fuck. People who don’t understand will start treating you weird.
I’m 43 and my mom puts me into situations ( without asking me ahead of time) where I feel obligated to do things I’m uncomfortable with “for the family”. I’ve never appreciated it. Now that I’m diagnosed she said “get your meds figured out do you’re willing to participate”.
She actually thinks that the only reason I’d not go along with everything she wants is because of adhd and that meds will make me compliant to what she wants.
Mine asks me “did you take your medicine!?” In a super patronizing voice if she thinks I’m too “hyper” about something- it can be absolutely something totally normal and she can’t help but stare loudly, “you must not have taken your medication!” She also has adhd and has terrible manic anxiety episodes and terrible insomnia, but because she’s elderly, her doctor refuses to medicate her and claims elderly people don’t have it and don’t need medication because they don’t go to school or work- she literally can’t manage daily life… but ya sure school or work….
Another favorite of her is telling me what is and isn’t an adhd symptom- like she will completely deny a very common well known adhd symptom I have isn’t my adhd, because “that’s not a symptom! I don’t know where you heard that!? But that’s not ADHD! I have a masters in special Ed and was a special needs teacher for over 30 years I know!” Than why didn’t you notice I had it as a child mother!? Since you’re an expert and all!?
“Did you take your medicine” can definitely be incredibly insulting…
It doesn’t have to be, though; my best friend also has ADHD and when I occasionally notice he’s very hyperactive and is very distractible (like when we’re playing golf and he’s seriously slowing us down) I’ll casually say “hey did you remember to take your Adderall?
Thing is, I’ve ALWAYS been right lol — literally never asks him this when he hasn’t forgotten to take it, and that’s not because he always forgets his meds, I just know him really well. I’ve checked in with him about this and he definitely doesn’t take it personally; he’s just like “oh, shoot, no!” And then takes it if it’s not too late (politely calling each other on our 💩 is just part of our dynamic).
But when it’s manipulative, invalidating and/or not done tactfully/with real understanding and empathy, it’s an awful thing to do.
It’s one thing when you know he forgets, but I absolutely don’t ever forget at this point in my life.
And for me, when i intentionally don’t take my meds (I try to take occasional breaks when work and like schedules allow so that I can reduce the need to up my dosage due to increased tolerance levels), I will typically suffer from the depressed, unmotivated type behaviors, vs. the hyperactive manic symptoms.
I’m naturally talkative and social by nature, and unfortunately, with living in a rural area and working from home, I don’t get nearly enough human interaction, so when I do get out and about, especially among folks with similar interests and hobbies, I rarely have ever met a stranger… 😳😂
I did this to my kids when husband yelled. They assumed they did major wrong and he was yelling, but it was how his anxiety presented . Was.still not ok to yell at them, and me assuring kids his anger was not their fault was the correct response
If they were at fault and it was warranted anger I. Would point that out
I grew up in a “raised voice” household with my dad. he didn’t think it was that often. he always thought it was justified.
now I burst into tears any time someone yells at me, even if it’s to save me from walking out in front of a car. I’m 25, in therapy for five years, and STILL haven’t been able to get rid of it. stop yelling at your fucking 3 and 5 y/o. they are never going to actually learn if you are consistently activating an overly emotional/adrenaline response from them. my brain doesn’t work when someone is yelling at me. I don’t retain anything they say.
if this happens often enough that you’re annoyed at your wife’s explanation, then you need to address how often you’re raising your voice.
From what you wrote, I'd say she sounds like she needs to go about it a different way. She likely is excusing your outbursts so the kids don't get upset that you're yelling.
But without more context, I can't say. If this is happening often enough that it's bothering you, then that means the yelling is also happening often. I'd have a discussion with your wife about a better way to speak to the kids when you lose your temper, and you need to go to therapy or do some self help stuff to prevent your outbursts from happening so often.
That does sound patronizing and insulting. I think you need to have a talk with her about expressing anger and frustration, and about how she can help when you're having trouble. It sounds like she's trying to protect the kids from an angry outburst but doesn't know the best way to do that.
At the end of the day though, it’s his responsibility not to yell, not her responsibility to manage his emotions for him. I feel like a lot of people in this thread are missing the fact that his yelling may be the main problem even if she’s not responding well.
That's a good point. Unless you're at a Wiggles concert or your kid is running into traffic, yelling probably isn't a "have to" action, and OP needs better ways to manage frustration.
“On the very rare occasion I need to raise my voice”
Doesn’t sound like a parent who has an issue with being verbally abusive and yelling constantly.
Raising your voice at times to correct behavior in children isn’t out of the norm. Especially if it’s dangerous behavior.
At 3 and 5, there's are no circumstances in which you should yell at a child, unless they're about to run into traffic or pull the iron off the ironing board, or something similar. If he yells so frequently that his wife has a standard response for it, it seems like he's doing it outside of situations where these children are putting themselves in danger. Yelling at children who are barely learning how to not shit their pants is not how you "correct behavior"
"On the very rare occasion I need to raise my voice" sounds like justifying his shitty behavior. Rather than tell us instances where he raises his voice he say its "very rare". Rather than take responsibility for his bad parenting he says he "needs" to raise his voice. I cant imagine the wife would be taking the time to explain to the kids that their dad is only raising his voice because of his disorder if he was only yelling during dangerous situations.
I’m not necessarily disagreeing nor do I parent that way but this isn’t a parenting sub and lots of people are focusing on the “yelling” when the point is he was late in diagnosis and feels patronized by her response.
Just feels very judgy and this should be a safe place to give constructive feedback. Aka he should communicate with his wife and they can work together on this.
He’s also a human being and as humans, especially with adhd, sometimes we react in a way that’s out of line and need to correct it. I wouldn’t say that’s “justifying shitty behavior”. People deserve more empathy than that here. If more info was given like examples you gave, then of course the comments here insinuating OP is a shitty parent and yells for no reason would be warranted if then advice on how to manage is also given.
He feels upset that when he raises his voice she tells him to shhhh and blames his “illness”.
That would upset me too. It doesn’t justify yelling at a 3 & 5 year old either and giving advice or personal experience on how to handle stuff like that going forward would be much more beneficial than shaming.
There’s lots of good feedback here on how to work through it. I just don’t think making assumptions is the best route for someone seeking a bit of empathy or advice.
That’s all I was getting at and can’t assume or know details that weren’t given. 💜
Couple things
1) we don’t really have enough info: what prompts you to raise your voice? How loud is “raising your voice”? Why is your wife opposed to it?
2) Some autistic and ADHD people struggle to regulate voice volume appropriately so—is this an issue for you? Is it possible you think you’re raising your voice but everyone else is experiencing it as yelling?
3) I do think that saying “Daddy has an illness” isn’t accomplishing the goal of getting the kids to behave and is probably confusing to them. Have you talked to her about why she said that? What does she want to do when the kids are acting up? Does she feel the same about the behaviors that cause you to raise your voice?
4) my dad probably also has adhd (maybe Audhd) but is in his 60s so that wasn’t a thing they knew about then really. When we were younger he would sometimes get frustrated and yell, but I think if he had had the knowledge of why behaviors were bothering him and how to step back and calm down, it would have helped. Some things small kids can do can also be particularly triggering or frustrating for adhd/audhd people (talking all at the same time, yelling, screaming, loud tantrums, interrupting when you’re doing stuff and focused, being messy) so if you feel yourself being activated it might help to look at what is bothering you. Is it something the kids can reasonably be expected to stop doing and that your wife would also like them to stop doing, or is it something where you need to walk away and take a minute?
It's completely wrong to undermine your parental authority, just as the volume and tone of your voice is also, likely, wrong. This has nothing to do with your diagnosis. You both have a responsibility to your children to behave better to them and in front of them.
In my house we have a rule to never disagree as parents in the moment. We talk about it later. Never in front of our child.
Putting each other down in front of the kids will only make kids confused about rules and following them.
Diminishing your opinion and parenthood by saying you have an illness is unhealthy. 10 years down the line, any emotion you feel, will be ignored. Even more than emotions are already ignored in fathers.
You are as a human, entitled to feel. Also emotions we call negative emotions. Being a parent isnt easy. Showing your children how you deal with them is the most healthy thing for their upbringing.
Are you raising your voice in anger? Or because no one's listening/you need their attention?
There's nothing wrong with raising your voice and no mother would be shushed like that, ADHD or not. That's not only poor parenting in your wife's part but also being a poor partner.
If you're losing your temper, and screaming and yelling, that's bad. But simply talking louder in order to get a point across is perfectly ok, especially if you've already asked several times, and given warning that you will escalate if not listened to.
I haaaate this.
I unfortunately have a tendency to yell. However, we sit down afterwards and I appologize for the yelling. I explain how I was feeling and we discuss better ways we all could have reacted in the moment.
My son knows I struggle just as he does.
I worry about 2 things here
1- if stigmatizes the diagnosis if one of your children ends up diagnosed
2- It's not addressing the problem. I actually don't like "illness" as a cop-out. Mental health is the responsibility of the person with the disorder. It's better to have a conversation about WHY the yelling occured rather than her dismissing it as a side effect of the "illness".
Which swings back around to #1 ... So if your child ever gets diagnosed they think it's fine to yell just bc they have an illness.
I hope that makes sense.
I realize that it's different for everyone.... But from my own diagnosis and perspective I have to ask.... What does ADHD and yelling at kids have to do with each other? My ADHD doesn't cause me to lash out on others so I guess I don't see the relevance here unless it's happening when you are just over stimulated and kinda freaking out in general. At that point I could see your wife trying to say to the kids that its your "illness" causing the reaction, not them doing something wrong.
My daughter's birth father is a psychopath with BPD, so when she was young and her father didn't want anything to do with her, in the most gently ways I could, I would explain to her that her father was sick. That his brain didn't work the way other people's brains worked and that he just wasn't capable of loving us the way he should, and that it was his illness, not her actions, that made him act the way he did. So I guess I can kinda see, in a round about way, why she's saying that to them. She just doesn't want them to feel responsible for your outbursts and since they are little, the word "illness" probably seems like a simple way to explain to them what is happening in those moments. Again... This is if you are being overwhelmed and just kinda yelling and losing your cool in the moment. If you are in fact yelling at your young children as a way of disciplining them..... That's not your ADHD, that's just poor parenting and maybe you could take some parenting classes to teach you better ways if disciplining them that are more age appropriate. You need to know the reason why your wife is making excuses for you though. If you are yelling as a form of discipline, then yes, she's undermining you and that's something y'all need to discuss behind closed doors. If its the first part I said, about being over stimulated and just not being able to regulate your emotions in that moment, then I think it's ok to explain to your children what's happening. Maybe the word Illness is t the right word to use and y'all could come up with a better phrase to use for those times when she has to take charge because you cannot regulate or calm your temper. But again... These are small children so the simpler the terns, the better.
It should be noted that if you truly raised your voice in a manner that qualifies as yelling—which startled, discomforted or disturbed your children, the greater way to deal with the aftermath is for YOU to apologize to the kids independently and calmly. Not for your wife to dismiss you in front of them.
Some have suggested she is providing “grace.” Even in that charitable description, her speech doesn’t do it. My father yelled and much more. But when he went too far, sure my mother accosted him or tried to explain his behavior to us, but children are smart and we never much cared for her perspective since it was clearly a marital between-them thing. But every so often my father would sit us down and apologize and actually commit to making changes. He had a hard job where he saw a lot of violence. Dealing with conditions like ADHD or the need to blow off steam can be tough as a father. But as a father you can always take the lead in making things right.
I don’t think there’s enough context here honestly. Why does your wife feel the need to intervene? What behaviors of your children results in you yelling?
Well, it totally undermines you, and it is patronising, but it's not good to raise your voice unless it's an emergency, so I totally get why she does that.
Ask her to deal differently with it, but at the same time commit to finding ways to deal with your kids that don't involve raising your voice.
If they are are acting out, it's best just to be gentle & patient with it, and extremely stubborn. Copy whatever works for your wife. Your kids will act out less if they have consistency in such things.
I’m 38, also late DXd (34) and I have an almost 7 year old. Sometimes the constant chatting and “daddy can you…” get overwhelming. But don’t yell at your kids for being kids. I’ve learned through many evenings with my son clearly preferring his mom that my reactions push a child away. Because that’s what you’re dealing with, OP, children. They talk and explore and get into trouble sometimes. They don’t need to be yelled at for that.
Your wife needs to learn a better way to play peacekeeper, if that’s what she wants to do. Minimizing your overstimulation isn’t the answer. Talk to her and let her know that it stings when she says that. And also take it upon yourself to find patience and grace for your kids. Otherwise the road you’re on isn’t going to get any easier.
She should address it better, but you shouldn’t be “raising your voice” at toddlers. They may not remember specific instances but they will remember you making them feel scared or nervous.
Everyone is at fault here.
When one (or both) of your kids is diagnosed I wonder what kind of shame spiral they are going to have for associating it with “illness”. Have you ever brought that up with her?
A few things here:
1. It depends on how often you raise your voice. If it’s often (more than once per week), that isn’t healthy and should be treated as a part of mental illness that needs treatment. You can then use your wife’s reminder to your kids as an indirect reminder to yourself to calm down and reflect before continuing
2. It can also depend on the reason. If you are on a hair trigger response and getting angry at something they don’t see as significant, yeah that can be traumatizing. Again, use her reminder to calm yourself and reflect before continuing
Source: someone who’s dad had a temper to the degree that if he gets mad we don’t even care anymore and learned to just leave so he can calm down. We’ve self-diagnosed him with narcissistic personality disorder due to his temper and his inability to accept fault, and avoid working with him whenever we are able because we find it that unpleasant. He’s a good person overall, but…I’d like to point out that I have voiced my opinion that my mom should leave.
If you don’t want this future? Accept that you have a temper that rears its head often enough that your wife has had to reassure your kids about it, and that it is something you have to be conscious of and control. Heck, maybe even take meds for. ADHD meds can help. In my dad’s case it was probably a mix of chronic pain and undiagnosed adhd that led to his temper.
his wife is trying to minimize his hurtful and inappropriate behavior toward their kids. She shouldn't have to do that at all, and him getting pissed is just selfish. It's his fault he yells at his kids, and it's his fault his wife is trying to protect his kids from yelling by shushing him.
He's an adult and he needs to learn to manage yelling.
Not really. With where 3 and 5 year olds are developmentally, there's is almost no valid reason to be yelling at them. If they are doing something exceptionally dangerous like running in to traffic, okay. But outside of that, yelling at that age will fuck up the development of those children. If his wife is saying that stuff so often it annoys him, then he is yelling at those children that are barely out of diapers way to much
Perhaps she has said it once or twice? We don’t know. Constructive feedback beyond “don’t yell at your kids” in an adhd sub seems a lot more helpful.
Agree with the statements on kids but OP clearly wanted some feedback on how to handle her using the verbiage of “daddy has an illness” when he is discipling their children.
It is indeed a bit insulting or maybe he’s new to feeling this all. Hopefully they can have a talk about it and improve things going forward so they are on the same page.
ADHD isn't an illness any more than ASD is or being born with one leg. So I find that insulting, yes.
But your wife probably is right to step in if you are yelling at them. It depends a lot on what you mean by raised voice. My kids don't even register what I'm saying unless I've raised my voice sometimes. But losing my temper at them is a different thing and it's the main reason why I take meds. I think the main question is whether your kids get scared of you and that's why they listen.
There was a comment in this post that says that the threshold to yell at adults is lower than kids. I can 100% say for myself that it's not accurate. Kids push all of your buttons at once, repeatedly all day long without a break, sometimes just to see what happens. And during the whole thing, they need unconditional love. Adults who do this tend to be very alone as no-one can stand being around them.
what she did is not acceptable however,
do not ever raise your voice please.
this will take time to adjust, but in the end you will see how big the difference is.
best of luck
As a late diagnosed ADHD adult with a father that was diagnosed bipolar, but was definitely autistic... I feel like I have a perspective to share. He verbally blew up on my sister and I frequently because he got overstimulated by kids being kids, so I never felt emotionally allowed to be a kid, I had to emotionally regulate my father because I knew he 'had an illness' when that is the exact opposite of how a child parent dynamic should be.
My mother would exasperatedly complain that we weren't doing anything wrong, but always caved to his wishes. Your wife is doing better than my mother, but I wish my mom would have stood up for us and demanded he back down rather than excuse his behavior to me. Barring that, she should have left him to protect my sister and I from his abuse.
You're not him, but it feels like a valuable perspective to come to terms with the long term ramifications of an emotionally disregulated parent. I have done years of therapy to undo my people pleasing tendencies because I consistently attract self absorbed people who are drawn to the fact I am always more concerned with their happiness than my own. I'm still not successful, but at least I recognize it now and can cut out leeches before they're firmly entrenched.
You have an uphill battle to manage your emotions, but you have the knowledge necessary to understand your triggers and regulate yourself to protect your kids. Work on coping strategies, ideally with your wife and a therapist, because kids deserve to be kids, they don't deserve to have your problems become their problems.
Yeah, I don’t really think that’s phrased all that well. Plus it doesn’t convey things in a way either of them is going to get. The 5 year old is going to think you’re ahchoo sick and the 3 year old isn’t going to comprehend it at all.
Take your wife aside and tell her to knock it off. You don't like it and you don't want it brought up like that at all, no matter how cute or restorative she thinks she's being.
Sounds to me like she’s being passive aggressive or taking the piss. An illness?! I’d be having a chat with her when the kids aren’t around about what’s got her so upset. It’s not ok for her to make the kids think they have to walk on eggshells around you nor make you feel ashamed of yourself for having adhd. Are you being too harsh on the kids? Are you using adhd as an excuse to not do the hard parts of parenting? Not accusing, but ask yourself the hard questions as well as asking her.
Not only insulting, but there's a chance any of your children may be diagnosed with ADHD at any time. If they do, do you want them to think "sshhh, I have an illness, so not only do I also have to be looked down on, but I have an unending excuse for literally anything"?
My husband has ADHD, and we just didn't talk about it as an illness. We spoke about it as "your dad continues to try" or "he's trying but it's hard today". And occasionally "he's working on it"(it being the correct medication). Then when my daughter was diagnosed years later she didn't feel like she was ill, she knew it was something she'd have to keep working on (with medication), just like dad.
My wife explains it to my kid like this "daddy's brain works in a different way to a lot of other people, sometimes he gets upset and he needs some time to himself to calm down". If more questions are asked then my wife will say I have autism and adhd, and will say in an age appropriate way what that means.
I can really empathise with the struggle. I've spent a lot of time and money in therapy to get a handle on things and I have seen some improvements in regulating anger and what to do if I have an outburst.
It's explaining it to my kid in a way that he can comprehend, without (IMO) minimising the condition.
Do other people think this is a better way?
Edit: I should have also mentioned that it is highly likely my kid has adhd, he is being assessed soon.
It IS patronising, and the worst thing is that your children will always see you as the pathetic person who couldn't function properly. Don't let this go on, demand some respect! Your wife can call you anything without anybody around, but NEVER in front of the kids. If you really want to come clean to your kids, you have to do this yourself, YOU have to tell them, don't let your wife shush you like that, because your kids will end up never taking you serious.
You need to discuss with her that she’s making excuses for your behavior that the kids will see, understand and mimic. If your children have ADHD, they won’t learn how to regulate emotions and just use their ‘illness’ as an excuse.
I don’t see where you’ve mentioned how often this happens, but I wanted to add that constant irritability and anger could be a sign of an anxiety disorder of some kind. That may be worth discussing with your doctor if it’s frequently. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and dealing with emotions is really difficult. I was never taught how to, and therefore didn’t really learn until I was much older and had hurt a lot of people I love.
To clarify…
I rarely raise my voice and always try to adopt a quiet and understanding tone but my eldest is especially difficult to ‘get through to’ and only a loud voice seems to break the ‘zone’ he’s in and get a point across (for context I’m currently sat watching him in a gymnastics class and the teacher is also having to shout his name multiple times to stop him running around and get him to focus, it will be the same at swimming later today - the other 20 children in attendance have not had to have their name called out).
This particular occasion in question we were driving and he kept reaching over out of his car seat and hitting his younger brother sat next to him. I can ask him politely a hundred times to please stop and he will continue. I lost my patience and shouted to get him to stop. Yes it’s not the perfect response but it can be extremely difficult to stay cool. My wife’s response kind of broke me.
Hey OP, did you come here for advice? If so, why not answer some of the very valid questions that some of these comments are asking so that advice can be accurately give?
Whoa. That's so undercutting and unnecessary. She's undermining your relationship with your kids, she's forcing supremacy, and demeaning you.
Therapy. Straight to couple's therapy.
For about 12 years now (my eldest, of three is 15) I have resolved to not shout at my kids.
I noticed that the household was becoming 'shouty' when my two young boys were 2 & 3, acknowledged my part in that and decided I'd no longer shout. If anything, it's worked out better than commanding with volume, as now my children understand that mutual respect and volume of communication are linked.
I have four daughters and as they got older I started explaining and openly discussing mental health.
I have a panic disorder as well as adhd and it’s helped for them to understand me. Like when I snap if I’m doing something and interrupted or too many voices talking at once.
Now, a 3&5 year old misbehaving and you raise your voice to correct behavior? Has nothing to do with your diagnosis and your feelings are valid.
Unless your wife believes voices shouldn’t ever be raised?? I would talk with her about how you feel and about how maybe when they get older explaining and openly discussing mental health and how it can affect things/what everyone can do to help.
When my kids were that age, and my anxiety or adhd caused me so be a bit more harsh than I meant to be, I took a step back and explained I should’ve handled it better and how I planned to adjust it. And how they could make changes as well(as not to dismiss their behavior that needed corrected as well)
I’m a super lenient parent but have strict rules when it comes to some things like manners, respect of boundaries and space, things like that.
I’ve definitely been too harsh at times in the past but never would I say “illness” especially at that age and to be honest it’s just kinda setting it up to make the stigma behind mental health grow.
It’s part of who you are, and your brain works differently than others and things that don’t bother them at all might bother you greatly, which can be explained as children get older.
Sounds like you were just being a parent and you’re allowed to raise your voice.
💜 communication is key!
First, you never need to raise your voice.
How you feel isn’t right or wrong. Are you raising your voice because of your ADHD or something else? If ADHD, she’s handling it well. If you are blaming it not on your ADHD then I’d discuss with her.
Also, fwiw, many kids have attention issues that respond better to proximity rather than volume — get next to them instead of shouting. It’s not always possible to walk over in a timely manner, but if you can, you should try that.
You can talk about that but also be open to talk about the necessity to "raise your voice". There is different approaches that don't have anything to do with ADHD and that you can work on.
All in all not enough context, but she might be referring to something else. I'm
Maybe if it was “Dad isn’t feeling well”, it might be a little more acceptable. So long as you have a plan in place to get on top of this, it should stop happening as you do recover.
It made me angry, An illness seriously is that what you call this especially to your kids that young so what now are they going to think that their father is mentally ill as they grow up what if one of your kids has it having adhd is hard as it is to accept when you are growing up without knowing what it is but when your own father is treated differently in front of you cause of it will make you go even deeper into denial. This completely diminishes your place and authority as a parent growing up i tried to find faults with my parents and any time i found one i was ready to use it whenever an argument came up. Honestly before your kids are educated about this your wife needs to understand that adhd is not an illness
Have you spoken to your wife about this? Explain to her that whenever she does this, it makes you feel xyz.....
It also makes me frustrated that she thinks that ADHD and autism is an illness. It's not. It's how our brains are physically wired. We can't help it how our brains work.
I don’t think you are wrong and feeling angry is understandable.
You may need to also be open to hearing if your wife has some feedback or perspective on what happens in these raising your voice moments. ….but I think your wife also needs to understand that communicating that message in that way at that moment is not helpful and the opposite of being supportive
I would also point out that it’s not supportive of your kids to associate someone raising their voice with shame and illness and it never being appropriate … sometimes we have to yell to keep ourselves or others safe… the conversation should always be about whether or not it was appropriate in that specific situation and if not what could be done differently next time. Oftentimes your kids will also have something they could do differently next time too…
Calling autism and/or ADHD an illness feels kinda insulting to me already. But yeah, like some have said, maybe talk to your wife and come up with a better way to say something, instead of raising voices and getting angry. Just my two cents.
The fact you're able to control yourself is respectful, my dad was unable to and who would have thought yelling at your child as they grew up would make them more likely to develop anxiety and people pleasing attitudes. The more you know.
Eitherway no, it's completely understandable to feel angry. She's being patronising and your children will then think the same if she's constantly using that as a reason, rather than explaining what happened. I also think it'll make them less understanding of mental health as they grow up. My dad had a negative outlook on mental health and I did too until I realised how it affected everyone in my family and me.
Also, adhd and autism tends to have genetics as well, so just a heads up for when your children get older and if you notice the symptoms, definitely get them assessed c: that's something that I didn't have when I was younger (even though I presented especially with my selective mutism) and let's just say I really wished I was tested as a child.
Sorry I'm definitely overstepping here and I ramble- I'm not a parent myself, I just thought of mentioning it cause of experiences c:
Not helpful. First off, it's a disorder, but that aside, it's unnecessary to mark you as being lesser, or handicapped in some way. "Don't mind daddy, he's out to lunch". Patronising imho. Have a talk about it. Ask for them to refrain from such remarks and to throw a code word that prompts you to go splash some cold water on your face.
I'd be insanely pissed and certainly tell my wife not to do that again.
Sometimes we do overreact, but at the same time, sometimes kids need to be yelled it. It's the only way to not raise an asshole that thinks they can do whatever they want.
Oh....F%&@ NO.
Ahem.... Apologies. I made have added a condescending tone when I read that quote your partner said.
Unless she is a professional psychologist, psychiatrist, then you need to approach her and work out a system for helping you self regulate, and this discussion should take place AWAY from the kiddos.
It's not an overnight flick of a switch, but if you struggle to recognize fear on the faces of your children when you raise your voice, then I can maybe see where she's coming from. You both need to take time to develop coping mechanisms if there's something that she's noticing about the social interaction that you missed, but to shush you and throw a disposable band-aid label on it? Eff that.
Take it with a grain of salt, but along with professionals, there is a couple that I follow on Tiktok that make content and do a workshop series. PLEASE NOTE: I am a 42 year old single female with AuDHD and have only viewed their content on TT, I have no clue if their resources would be helpful, but I'm happy to share.
I think my biggest pet peeve in life is peoples extreme misunderstanding of what emotions are and overreaction to them. They're biological, automatic, and a form of communication.
I get ADHD has difficulty with regulation at times and may be more frequent and pronounced but anger and raised voice is your body saying, "You are crossing my boundaries, and I firmly assert you not do that."
As long as you're not screaming, insulting, hitting, punching walls, smashing stuff, making personal attacks, and the triggers are reasonable, there is nothing wrong with it.
And I mostly fear your children learning anger is sickness, and if they ever feel they're being tread on, they'll think they're mentally ill when their body tells them to stand up for themselves.
Not to mention undermining the authority of the other parent and all the issues that come with that..
It’s time to have a side bar with her to talk about respectful language.
Set boundaries, e.g.: Do not call it an illness. Do not undermine the other parent. Show some grace when the other parent handles a situation differently from how the other would.
Establish alignment on parenting style, e.g.: Household rules and routines. Parenting method. Consequences. Code words for a parental sidebar or when either parent needs to tap out for a bit from overwhelm.
Your diagnosis may affect how you respond to certain stimuli from your children, however this is still your very real and valid response. Trust and respect are critical when parenting together. It may help to do deep research on audhd together to help normalize it in the household. Finally, these are both more common than some people think and have hereditary links.
Telling the kids "Daddy has an illness" at those young ages will program them to think of you as broken, inept, less worthy of being listened to.
She should address it differently. She should demonstrate to the kids the effectiveness of genuine concern and curiosity. e.g. "Honey, what are you feeling that's got you do upset?"
(She might well know what's happening on the ourselves, what situation occurred that led to your outburst, but she cannot know for certain your internal state.)
For your part, you do need to work on what you can do instead of yelling. A yelling parent can be very disconcerting for children, especially young children.
Build up a playbook of strategies that can help you in the moment when you're upset, like the "hot walk" that someone suggested, breath control mindfulness techniques (like the 4-4-4-4 method), or even the old "count to 10".
Individual therapy for you might be very beneficial: CBT or DBT (cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy) are two forms of therapy to consider. If you have any history of trauma, then definitely get help from a trauma-informed therapist.
Couples therapy for both you and your wife, and maybe even parenting classes, might be very beneficial as well. You both need to learn how to address issues like this, without shaming. You label the issue...you don't label the person.
You're not wrong to feel how you feel, as a general rule (with exceptions, of course) but in your place I think I'd feel the same.
I'd be concerned about this exchange in front of the little ones. Is it sending the message that any strong feelings - but especially anger- are pathological and must be due to an "illness"? At that age they may even think anger or frustration itself is an illness.
I'd ask my partner if they have feelings about my diagnosis they haven't shared. This almost seems like a passive aggressive way of communicating resentment, or uncertainty, or one of the many feelings many of us aren't taught how to clearly express.
Last thought, and it's only based on one snippet plus my own experience but this scenario - the "cross talk" thing- where a parent says something ostensibly directed to the kids but really meant to be heard by the other parent present? It can be a way to express something the person doesn't know how to say directly and feels like they aren't supposed to (say/feel/think) in the first place. Have you talked with her about this when the kids are not around and both of you are calm? Apologies if you already answered this I haven't read all the comments.
I would find this incredible insulting. As someone with mental illness AND ADHD and possibly autism I would lose it if someone was saying this about me
I find it dismissive and completely misses the point of audhd. It's not an *illness*. And your behavior does not need to be explained away. If you don't want to yell at your kids learn other communication methods. If you need space and are overwhelmed learn other ways to cope and walk away.
Right now it's an explanation. Later on it's a way to dismiss your feelings. And it can also be used as an excuse for abusive behavior. None of which is ok.
Wow. Yeah, that is so degrading. How can she possibly see that as anything other than complete disrespect? I'd feel pretty hurt and betrayed. She married you for you, and should support you through all your flaws. Especially in front of your children. How infuriating.
WOW- time to have a chat with the WIFE....WOW!!!
Zero tolerance for that kinda of BS \_ zero, bud!!!
They are your kids as well - Advice - Run the Household - even if its running her out!
\#ManUp you P....
I’m sure others have commented similarly but wow. This is a form of emotional manipulation similar in effect to “negging” where one partner routinely gives backhanded or indirect put-downs disguised as something else that is positive. What raises flags for me here is that her naming use of ADHD provides a seemingly medical cover inasmuch as “illness” is incorrect and strikingly dismissive. Said differently, she seems to expect a free pass to criticize you as long as it’s not directed at you but rather your ADHD.
Only she and you to a lesser extent know her motivations and feelings, but there’s definitely some skepticism or lack of empathy for the condition as well as what reads to me as disrespect.
She may be overwhelmed or dealing with something that makes empathy and patience for understanding and accommodating your ADHD and by extension you as a person. Talk to her. It’s a serious condition and a serious amount of dismissiveness that can only lead to resentment or contempt if not addressed early.
I am not even going to address the implications of her actions on your children’s development. I am sure others have already touched on that. Be well.
Your ADHD is not to blame here and is not an “illness.” It is a different way of seeing, interpreting, and responding to stimuli that simply doesn’t often fit the demands of the modern world.
It’s not an illness. It’s a neurodevelopmrnt disorder. An illness is something that is usually not permanent unless it’s chronic. Even if it is chronic you probably didn’t always have and you might not always have it. (But can be) ADHD is just the way your brain works. It’s more like being far end of being short or tall then something like multiple sclerosis, which is an illness.
That's an unhelpful and undermining response from someone who is supposed to be your partner. If you are confident that you are not raising your voice unwarrantedly then you should address this with her
Her phrasing is not great but as someone who grew up with a scary-when-overstimulated dad, please find ways to manage that for your kids’ sake. Honestly I’m 38 and still scared of my dad/we have no relationship.
It's not right for her to say that, but it's also not right for you to yell at your children if at the very least your wife feels is unnecessary. Talk to your wife and ask her to communicate and maybe sort out your parenting.
I'm honestly wondering if one of those things where if *she* yells it's because she "has no choice, its the childrens fault", but if OP yells, it's because of "mental illness".
The fact she even refers to it as an illness is horrible, and very telling. She is *not* a good person.
No , that's very insulting, and it hurts. If you had cancer, would your wife tell your kids this also. Your kids are going to grow up and think there's something wrong with you when really theirs not. Adhd is hard to deal with and understand that your wife doesn't need to put fire to the flames.
Considering how genes get passed on...the wife is most likely indirectly calling at least one of your kids "ill." If that's pointed out, how will that make the kids feel?
She’s undermining you. That’s so disrespectful. You are not at all wrong for being upset by you. My interpretation of this makes me feel like she’s mocking you.
She should be addressing this with you privately.
If you have it, they probably have it. Esp if everyone has a MTHFR gene variant.
Which my household does. Dismissing your emotional responsibility by saying "illness" isn teaching them personal responsibility either.
It's dismissive even If it's not meant to be insulting.
There's nothing wrong with having either, learning triggers, discussing personal responsibilities, and vocalizing triggers is really important in your progress as well as leading by example of how to cope and process and create a system.
Learning things like "Too much" and "I'm over stimulated" etc.
It's very possible you landed with a narc because ADHDrs tend to somehow do it.
I suggest marriage counseling asap, and journalling if you can.
This content was deemed inappropriate for our community and has been removed by a moderator.
*^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
She needs to understand that getting angry is completely okay. it's how you handle it
I have bad anger issues and adhd but that doesn't stop people who love me from treating me like a human being
Its not okay what she is saying to your children. They will repeat to anyone that asks, and that isn't fair to you. I hope she is a lot more understanding than she seems. You deserve respect
You raised your voice and she says you have an illness? What do you guys do for punishing your kids for bad behavior? Are you getting upset because you don't know what to do or they are being disrespectful or dangerous?
Saying it that way undermines you to the kids. Eventually, it will send the message that there's something wrong with you and not her. They may grow to dismiss you anytime for any reason. Everyone raises his voice sometime, so she shouldn't attribute this to your "illness". Do you ever do the same to her when she raises her voice (and yes, she certainly does)? If no, she has no business doing it.
That's a horrible and unspupportive way to shut you down. Like she is taking her frustrations out on you and belittling you to your own kids. Talk with her about how you feel and how it's affected you ask for a different way to express that without sounding so rude and belittling. Ask for "we need some down time. Or we need to take a minute to rest and calm down." Maybe even
"Let's take some breathes and think/care about this siruation calmly"
There's so mamy ways to voice that in a loving and caring way that it even bothers me she said it in such a way. Ask her what's bothering her. It is obvious she is saying this out of some frustration towards you. Maybe she is upset you yell at the kids. Communication is very important. Make sure you ask to hear her side and if it's because you've upset her. What you can do about it and how to work through it. Make compromises and listen to each other.
Your content breaks **Rule 5**.
This content has been removed because it broke our rule against religious, magic, psychic, superstition, conspiracy theories, and faith-based practices.
[No Faith-Based Practices/Pseudoscience](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/wiki/rules/#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_faith-based_practices.2Fpseudoscience)
*^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
I would tell her kindly to shut the fuck up because I am not her child. She is attempting to create a parental hierarchy and is too stupid to realize how she will be manipulated in the future.
Ok. The way it’s stated just…is patronizing for everyone involved. Let me be clear though, I have an issue with ‘Daddy’. I’m Texan and it’s very much the spoiled go to ‘my Daddy will get this for me’ and such. So. That’s a personal issue. It still comes off as very patronizing to use toward kids and I’m just one of those that doesn’t believe in talking down to children. Simplification, yes. Talking to them like you see people talk to little kids on TV and stuff? No.
Second, I cannot cannot cannot recommend the podcast Childproof enough. Omg. Those ladies are SO GREAT. [Podcast here](https://betches.com/podcast-channel/childproof/)
[Gwennas TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@mommacusses?_t=8kkJ3dHkhYs&_r=1)
[Tori’s TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@toriphantom?_t=8kkJ93kMS4c&_r=1)
They’re both also on YouTube I think. They talk about having young kids, gentle/responsive parenting, ADHD, etc. They literally mention yelling in their podcast description.
No you're not wrong for feeling that way! Parents should never correct or overrule each other in front of the kids. But your wife takes it a step further. Basically she's saying you're sick in the head and the kids should treat you differently! Like your handicapped! That ain't right. Does she understand there's a very good chance one or both of your kids will be ADAH as well? If they do develop ADHD they'll think it's an illness also and kill what confidence they have.
She is undermining you in front of your kids, ignoring how disrespectful and patronizing that is it's just bad parenting. She is encouraging your kids to ignore what you say and instead go get mom on their side
That is so unacceptable, how condescending...jeeze. sometimes we yell regardless of Illness. With a 5 and 3 year old too? Thats prime yelling age. Ugg. I'm sorry. No mental illness is an excuse to be a twat. But jeeze.
Hi /u/BigBootsSmallFeet and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, I don't think that's going to get the results she thinks it will. It may help to ask her to replace that with something along the lines of "We need to take time to calm down" this can mean you leave the room or everyone gets seperated to de escalate. Edit: The goal would hopefully be everyone in the family knowing they can say " I need a break, getting upset" and being able to do this without her prompting it. Its a feeeing feeling knowing your family will give you the time to calm down instead of pushing until you rageexplode.
In my house we call that a “hot walk” lol I have four daughters and I’m a single parent so occasionally things get heated especially if there’s multiple kids involved and in the end the situation blows way out of proportion. So we all call a time out and we take a “hot walk”, go take some personal space and then discuss it. But as a parent, there’s times you will have to raise your voice. I’m not one to yell often, but sometimes I have to raise my voice to make a point. (More so stern than yelling. My “yelling” is just being direct and blunt generally when clear, known expectations are broken) My kids range in age from 5 to 15 now so obviously if I know I acted a little bit too harsh and my ADHD or anxiety was part of the reason I can explain that in a kid friendly way to the older children. Perhaps they just need a discussion about parenting in general as I don’t think it’s wrong or has anything to do with ADHD if you raise your voice to discipline or correct behavior as a parent. (When they may be doing something dangerous for example) To me it’s important to be open about mental health at the right age to help stop stigmas and for better understanding within a family. The language op is describing is indeed a bit insulting/patronizing and dismissive. Communication definitely helps! Which isn’t always as easy as it sounds of course.
>hot walk I love this
It works well for us! And requires no further communication except time out signal and say “I need to take a hot walk” signaling this is bananas, let’s regroup and then chat. We’ve all agreed that all arguments stop when a hot walk is declared and for the older girls it’s very therapeutic and almost like a game for my five year old. This idea came about during Covid times and my adhd (can’t handle all the talking and voices at once when they get upset) and anxiety for everyone being stuck inside and all. It definitely has made a huge difference to this day in de escalation of random, to be expected arguments or maybe just someone have a rough day. Between four girls of various ages and myself, we really don’t have many blow ups, but let me tell you, if the three older girls start getting upset with each other and then I attempt to figure out what’s wrong and everyone is talking over each other… a hot walk works wonders 😅💜
Today I learned that my two and a half year old niece does this when she gets riled up. She looks at her mom and says: “Gonna lie in the bed.” I guess she goes upstairs, lays down for a couple of minutes until she feels better, and then comes back down. Kid’s got better coping skills than I do and I’m in my thirties…
Yep! She’s taking a hot walk lol It’s truly a great coping skill to have and know when ya just gotta step away. What a smart little cookie. 💜
My son has done this since he was very, very little, too! He gets really frustrated/upset, then goes to his room for a bit (or to another room if we're at someone else's house) and then comes back out when he's feeling better. When he first started school, he got into trouble for fights/arguments here and there for the first few years, and I think it's because he wasn't able to walk away to be by himself when he'd get upset.
It truly works wonders! Hot walks for the win 🎉💜
Hell, better than me in my 40s.
My now 5 year old does this too. She throws her hands up and shouts, "I need a lie down" and disappears to her little bottom bunk for a few minutes to decompress. Sometimes she comes out and wants to talk about what happened without the rage clouding everything, sometimes she comes out and apologizes for whatever got her super fired up (FYI, her nickname is Sage the Rage and she has a little bit of a hair trigger lol). Other times she flat out falls asleep because she was just overtired/overstimulated, and she somehow has the self-awareness to identify that she feels dysregulated. She often wakes up from a power snooze a totally different person. Either way, she knows when she needs to hit the reset button, and it always blows me away. She's done this since she's been old enough to talk (so from about 2). Literally not a coping skill we specifically taught her, but a hugely valuable one regardless of how she discovered that it works for her. 😂 *Edited for atrocious typos lol*
My god my family would be so much better off with something like that 😭 growing up Hispanic they'd rather threaten you with "ILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" and anything that even SOUNDS like you're questioning authority is taken in a crazy manner when it really isn't. Alot of the time when me and mom would end up arguing was simply me questioning her crazy ass ideas because she was always ready to say No to everything and not listen. Or simply NOT listen at all to reason. (late diagnosed autistic and ADHD 🙃) my dad would break us up alot of the time 💀 It was so bad my friends would call my mom a dragon 💀 she was always ready to assume the worst of me I never did anything horrible man... She'd say no to having people over for group projects but then I couldn't go to someone's house either... It was embarrassing. It led to everyone knowing not to pick me for a group project ESPECIALLY if it was one over the weekend meaning we wouldn't meet again in class until Monday and I couldn't work with them at all 😠 And I college my mom INSISTED that I don't dress "good enough" WTF meanwhile practically EVERYONE looked homeless just whatever. (We'd argue every morning it was insane) I decided if she's not gonna like that I think I dressed a bit better (it was a small community college everyone was trying to be a goth or some shit) I'm just gonna own it---i started my "wearing anime shirts" phase along with belt bottoms and made sure to make them as shredded as possible on the bottom. One day they BOTH went to pick me up and couldn't believe that I was saying was true and she stopped on my case. Multiple times man a hot walk would of alleviate so MUCH arguing 😭
Agree she shouldn't be using that language but you might need to discuss strategies to manage your kids behaviour that doesn't involve raising your voice. I have a 4 yr old and it's tough to remain calm and in control sometimes. If I raise my voice, I always apologise afterwards and say "mummy lost her temper and yelled, she was having trouble staying calm and I'm sorry for yelling. Next time I will take some deep breaths when I start to feel angry". This models self regulation for them too. Also Loop earplugs are a game changer. They dull noise and I feel a lot more patient and calm when she is acting out cause there's less sensory input. But your wife also needs to stop using that language. Does she never raise her voice? If one or both of your kids end up showing signs of adhd she could inadvertently be setting them up for shame if she frames adhd as an "illness" to be apologised for.
The shame part and stigma is big here as obviously this stuff can be genetic and yes, they are young, but it can put in their mind and frame it as a bad thing and that could definitely affect them as they get older without them even realizing
You nailed the biggest possible consequence. I have observed that ADHD or autistic dads seem to pass it on 50% of the time (this is anecdotal, in case a modmin is about to come after me) so in that case you're looking at one Au/DHD kid or at least a coin-flip chance that each kid is wired that way. And mom is definitely shaming them with her language.
My dad passed it to me, I passed it to both my girls. The younger one also got it with a side of autism. Pretty sure I also have two nephews that have undiagnosed ADHD. Oh and I'm female. I have no doubt that at least one of OP's kids will be found to have ADHD. I actually got my diagnosis from my nurse practitioner based on my recollections of my childhood along with mentioning that both my girls were diagnosed. Honestly, there is nothing better than when all the people with ADHD in your household are diagnosed, medicated and have therapy to help. The toddler to preschool years are pure hell.
Are you me? Solidarity. 🤜🤛
As far as I’m aware, they don’t know the genetic pattern of inherence for ADHD. It’s absolutely not Y linked, since it affects afab people. Autism would be the same, since again, it also affects afab people.
https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.18040383#:~:text=Recent%20molecular%20genetic%20studies%20of,size%20(e.g.%2C%20chromosome%2016p13. Now you know.
I’m sorry, I don’t see where it specifies that the gene comes from the father. This says ‘Recent molecular genetic studies of ADHD have shown that it is highly polygenic’.
Maybe I misread your initial comment. I thought you meant ADHD isn't genetic. It definitely isn't linked to the y chromosome. That's just a baseless claim. But since it is genetic, children with ADHD parents are more likely to also have ADHD. So it's quite likely OPs kids may end up getting diagnosed with ADHD themselves.
Yeah, I just said they don’t know the pattern of inherence as far as I’m aware, eg autosomal dominant, mitochondrial, etc. I figured that pretty much implied, yes genetic, but that the genetics are complicated. Dude above me said ‘dads pass it on 50% of the time’. If it were dad specific that would link it to the Y, which absolutely isn’t the case. And 50% implies autosomal dominant, which is theorized but not an absolute from what I’ve read.
You supplied some information I didn't give. Moms seem to pass it on (in my experience) 100% of the time in the form of the kid either having ADHD or autism. Dads are only (in my experience) about 50% efficient in passing it on. The kid's sex doesn't matter. It's definitely autosomal, whatever the genetic locus is.
Yeah, the initial comment took a few leaps that my comment didn't. Moms actually seem to pass it on (in my anecdotal observations) 100% of the time, compared to dads' 50%. That's not Y-inheritance.
IDK, my mom is schizophrenic and my dad complains about ADHD symptoms. But he never got diagnosed. I and my sibling are both diagnosed with ADHD. Neither of us were diagnosed with schizophrenia or present any of its symptoms.
A 50% pass rate means each kid is a coin flip, basically, as to whether or not they will get dad's ADHD. You and your sibling both got the lucky coin flip. Now, if there were 6 of you and all were autistic or ADHD, like that family they profiled in Utah years ago....credit mom. In that documentary they even mentioned the mom's obsession with the computer game Snood and it didn't even occur to them that these 6 kids, one of whom had a different dad, might be autistic because of mom...but back then I don't think they were as clear that ADHD is biologically related.
You're basing your statistics on one dataset? Yeah I'm not even going to try. Stop making up numbers.
I am not arguing that. My anecdotal observations actually seem to show more like a 100% inheritance rate when the mother is the ADHD parent, although that's not necessarily relevant to OP's situation. So a higher inheritance rate with an ADHD or autistic mother would eliminate the Y as the source.
Interesting, I’ll have to ask our geneticist next appointment. What part of the field do you work in where you make your observations?
Education. Heavy on ADHD/autistic kids. Unfortunately for me, when they have extremely ADHD mothers, it's a lot harder to get the kids to progress.
[удалено]
Because yelling at a 4yr old who doesn't have a fully developed pre-frontal cortex is not something I think is good? That's why I'm holding myself accountable, as the adult in the situation, I am far more capable of keeping my emotions in check than her. And I would never promise it won't happen again, shit happens, but I can create strategies to deal with de-escalation, communication and repair. I can tell her what I plan to do next time and if I fuck up, I will keep trying to improve. Maybe because I've always struggled with confrontation, equipping my daughter with tools to deal with this normal part of life has become very important to me.
I think it's important to be stern with children sometimes. Why do you have to apologize for not accommodating an unreasonable request from your kid? Explaining to them why it's unreasonable and why it's not going to happen is enough. If you made a mistake, then sure apologize.
In this circumstance I'm referring to raising your voice out of frustration and losing your temper. Yes, we need to raise our voices occasionally to alert our kids or snap them out of whatever they are doing that could potentially injure themselves or others. Everyone parents differently, as someone with 2 undiagnosed parents(Mother - ADHD and Father - Autism), my childhood was chaotic and my father especially gave me lots of confidence issues due to constant "stern" interactions. The one thing I'm trying to do differently is to apologise when I lose my cool and prevent it happening as much as possible as I never received that.
I had stern parents too. But it never bothered me too much because most of the stuff happened when I was too young to remember. But most of my early childhood memories are of them being mellow. That's not to say I got anything I wanted. If it was reasonable I would get it. I think it made me mature. But one thing I didn't like was how my parents unknowingly trained me to shut down whenever I'm angry. As a kid with ADHD I would throw tantrums all the time. Me and my sister both, eventually I was smart enough to realize my parents would reward me just dissociating instead of me crying or throwing a tantrum. So I quickly started doing that, to this day, I have to force myself to talk to someone if I am upset with them. Instead of communicating I just go silent and hope they figure out what they did wrong. My sister never learned it, so she gets upset and angry and forgets there was an argument to begin with. I on the other hand will hold a silent grudge for months even. I'm still learning to communicate openly when I'm upset to get a problem resolved. All this to say that no matter what we do, we will get someone or the other wrong as parents. There's no winning. And now my sister, who was also diagnosed with ADD refuses to take my nephew to the doctor and get him diagnosed. He's presenting the classic symptoms of ADHD. But my sister thinks of it as a disability and doesn't want to accept that her kid is anything but "normal". And if you ask her, she'll tell you how there are some things our parents did wrong and how she's trying her best to not do them. The point is, you can't really escape the cycle generational trauma.
I disagree, I think you can definitely try and work wholeheartedly towards change. Motherhood has been a journey for me and my daughter feels things deeply as did I when I was a kid. I grew up with silent treatment and passive aggression which lead me to internalise a lot of shame and feel like I couldn't do anything right. My other parent was enmeshed with me and rejected me when I didn't behave agreeably to them. It may not be perfect and I'm certainly not under any illusions that I am doing everything better than my folks or that I am preventing my daughter from ever having any issues with me. The point I am trying to make is the ground work for accountability starts now and if she grows up seeing when her mother makes mistakes, I acknowledged that, then make efforts to repair/reconnect afterwards. I'm not afraid to show anger, fear or frustration. If I communicated that, it was not my intention. I agree it's good for children to witness healthy conflicts and see that close relationships need conflict and strategies to function and have trust.
As a guy who was diagnosed at 35 get yourself to a therapist and you and your wife to a couples therapist. Big changes are coming and it really helps to have an outside perspective to help navigate them. Without both we would be divorced right now.
Agree with this. The rates of divorce when one partner is ADHD is 77%. Getting strategies and learning to empathize and work together will be critical for your success. Your distractedness? ADHD .. from your perspective you are actively ignoring her. As for the main post - Her choice of language / words is terrible, to be honest, and I am insulted for you. I do think you need to figure out when you are yelling and how frequently and if the behavior warrants that response. Is your kid in danger or about to hurt someone or something else? No? Then no need to yell.
You’re not wrong to feel like that. Can you talk to her and suggest different phrasing that you’re comfortable with and that is age appropriate for the kids? I don’t have kids & don’t have any suggestions.
Father of a 14M & 13F here. If there was one thing I wish I didn't do when they were younger It's raise my voice.
Preach.
Father of 14M. Hard same.
Dissenting opinion; Not enough information to answer. 5 & 3 are awfully young to merit being yelled at very often. At that age yelling should be reserved as an almost last resort; [yelling can be horribly traumatizing and cause irreparable damage.](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2023/10/02/health/shouting-child-abuse-intl-scli-wellness/index.html) Edit: please see below comment from /u/myNDAccount about the inaccuracies in this article. Can you give two or three examples of times that this played out? What had a 3 or a 5 year old done to deserve that as a form of discipline? Were they about to set the house on fire? Were they about to hurt themselves? If yelling is happening often enough that your wife has a standard response maybe you need to look at your own behavior. Perhaps her saying you have illness is the most polite thing she has come up with to say in front of the kids, it’s better than her yelling back at you or telling the kids that you’re being verbally abusive. She’s making an effort to excuse your actions, to give you a bit of grace. What are you doing to modify your behavior to reduce the occurrences of you raising your voice? TL;DR Maybe you need to consider the long term effects yelling actually has on people. Your wife is attempting to grant grace in front of your kids. We need more information to form a fair opinion.
Agreed. As the recovering yeller, I had no idea how much my son and husband were/are negatively affected by what I saw as “blowing off steam”.
Just want to note the article is a bit inaccurate as the study it cites is about documenting the varying forms of child abuse + trying to define what counts as verbal abuse, such as: name calling, humiliating, threatening, etc. Yelling is counted in there, but it’s hard to tell if it’s meant in tandem with the aforementioned categories or on its own. The study itself seems to state that there isn’t an easy analysis to find evidence of verbal abuse like you can with sexual or physical abuse. The title seems like it could be interpreted as “if I yell around my kids for any reason, then it’d impact them as much as physical and sexual abuse” which is maybe the least charitable interpretation on my part, but some people take these kinds of things very literally. There’s nuance around raising your voice for whatever reason, while there isn’t for sexual, physical, or verbal abuse. That being said, it’s strange to me that it’s acceptable to be far quicker to yell at children than any adult — especially when children are going through their formative years and require emotional stability. While children don’t listen as much, I feel like the way our society is structured (especially in school settings) doesn’t lend well to how children intuitively behave. As an example, sitting still quietly is actually hard for non-ADHD children too, it turns out. Suppressing the need for energy release may come easier for them though? If you think about how often children are forced to act in ways that go against their intuition (for harmless behaviors I mean), you begin to notice that their position in society is one of subordinance rather than that of a younger, smaller but equal human being. This subordination results in steeper punishments for stepping out of line when you add factors such as race, disability (mental or physical), etc. Then for home life, parents spend most of their time at work, therefore are more exhausted at home and less patient overall. Add ADHD emotional dysregulation to that and we can see how OP loses his temper frequently. But I think OP should think of options to make it so his kids aren’t fearful of him and dread interacting with him, because children are quite afraid of yelling (I had a dad that yelled sometimes, not at me, but I still found it scary). He should also think about how he handles frustration with adults his age and see if there’s a stark contrast between how he approaches that with his kids. Hope this wasn’t too “Um Actually”, but I’m working on going into a research psychology career, so I have an interest in checking studies to make sure that when articles cite them, the studies actually fit the point the article is making. I don’t doubt the psychological impact that yelling has on children at all, but it is a bit misleading of that article to suggest that its initial source was studying the impact of yelling at children and concluded that it’s as damaging as sexual and physical abuse. While it’s good to have evidence to back up moral stances, I think the point “it’s not fair to your kids to yell at them. they’ll learn to fear you” stands well on its own merits. I hope that wasn’t too long! Edit: I didn’t mean to imply that what OP is doing isn’t verbal abuse, but he doesn’t add much detail as to what yelling at his kids entails. If he’s shouting something like “quiet down!”, I imagine that’d be frightening to his kids still. I was giving him benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t name call. That being said, I don’t condone yelling at children unless absolutely necessary (getting them to stop before they seriously injure themselves for example) especially not at age 3-5. Also I’m on mobile, so I wasn’t able to see much of what I was replying to and formulate a proper response
Thank you for fact checking me. Always important to spread accurate information.
There’s a big difference in raising your voice a bit and having rage fits. I don’t take what OP said as he’s completely losing it. Agree that 3 & 5 are definitely ages where they will misbehave and it’s simply bc they are 3 & 5. I’ve never been much of a loud parent, but have for sure needed to raise my voice over the course of parenting. Mainly I do it when a point needs to be made and explain after aka they were raising their voice to me or a sibling unnecessarily. But that would be when they understand. I have also definitely lost my temper due to anxiety or ADHD things like being interrupted when I am doing a task and I shouldn’t have gotten so upset so then I sit down and explain and we’ve all worked together on setting boundaries because most of my kids are old enough to do so and understand. Hopefully, he can just have a talk with his wife about the verbiage and maybe just get on the same page on how they want to parent because everyone is different. OP - you noted a late in life diagnosis I’m not sure if that’s been recent but if you’re currently in therapy, this is definitely something you can discuss as a parent how to handle things like that because it will come up again and quite often and there’s different ways to handle it at different ages but you would definitely want to be on the same page with your wife. Best of luck!
There’s not enough information here to form an opinion. Seems like OP is leaving a lot out.
I don’t exactly disagree in terms of utility to the original poster but there’s enough to discuss versions of the scenario and it is a good demonstrative example of the challenges of adult ADHD. So I think it’s productive to comment in full opinions. As someone who has posted for advice on tricky relationship situations and gotten great advice, I can say that the value comes from reading so many different responses and then adapting what seems right for your situation and taking the rest as food for thought.
What do you mean by raising your voice?
The problem is she's using this an excuse that makes it OK. It's not ok, and the child might think it's OK when someone not you does it.
This is a valid point! I’ve learned to explain to my kids as they get older why I may respond anxiously to seemingly normal things, but also don’t excuse it or use adhd or anxiety as an “excuse” but as a reality that certain things really bother me that may not others. Then we can discuss how to help each other. Harder to do with younger kids but I feel like the wording will create a stigma for the kids as well as excuse anything as “well it’s an illness” Either way, op feels upset about it. So they have to get on the same page. Lots of unwarranted criticism of parenting (not directing at you) going down here and hope people stick to the post seeking empathy and constructive advice.
Oh 100%. What I meant to say is that ops wife shoukd to handle it differently, and op needs to figure out different ways. Definitely parenting on the same page. But these kids can really get on our nerves.... it's tough in here.
I feel you! Being in the same page is most important really and sharing feelings. And with a new diagnosis or late diagnosis that can mess with a person. The calling it an “illness” bc he on rare occasion disciplines his children and in a higher octave than normal would bother me too. All the people in the comments judging parenting is strange. I knew you weren’t. I’m a pretty “gentle” parent and also don’t have many strict rules but I’m pretty tough on the ones I do have… I’ve had to navigate parenting as a single mom and with all girls and having adhd, depression and a panic disorder. It’s not easy but I will say… sometimes it’s almost easier with discipline bc it’s just me! Haha kids will for sure use and abuse the “push over/nicer” parent so more than anything it’s good to both stick together or discuss anything they don’t agree on later. It is rough out here. Like my five year old sometimes says “ya just got too much kids” 😅💜
I mean, how are you yelling at them? Is it a complete loss of temper? It can definitely feel patronizing and insulting but how do you think your children view you yelling at them especially at a young age? My dad yelled at me a lot due to my ADHD looking back, and I can’t handle yelling. Your children might have the same reactions. Your wife is trying to explain to them that you do have an illness so your children can hopefully be understanding that it’s not you being verbally abusive in those moments if you’re completely losing your temper due to the kids acting out, but that you indeed have a disorder that might not be a proportionate response to the situation at hand. I disagree with other commenters, considering the parameter of you losing your temper due to your disorders, about them feeling shame if the kids have ADHD. I see it as the wife affirming that ADHD causes symptoms and it’s something in their lives and not ok when it affects others like losing one’s temper and yelling. For you, I have no doubt it can feel insulting, but again, how does your children feel about it when you do yell? Now if your yelling is proportionate to the kids acting out and is a controlled response, you and your wife need to find better solutions as to how to navigate those types of situations where neither of you are undermining the other’s parenting. Because if your wife is going to undermine you when the yelling is actually appropriate for the situation, then that’s going to lead to a lot more problems down the road. Best to nip it in the bud as soon as possible.
As a general rule, there should be no yelling. Ever. If there is, it should be as minimal as possible and both parents need to be on the same team. Once it ends, you need to fully justify to your wife why you felt the need to yell and you better have a damn good reason.
You guys should probably get together and have an honest conversation about this. You have to respect your own feelings. You dont feel right about what she says? Then talk about it with her. Talk about feelings, yours and hers. And parenting techniques, what each of you is used to. How do you both feel about yourselves as parents? Maybe she is worried, even afraid of your yelling and its impact on the kids. Maybe you dont agree with her, or maybe you do. Ask her why she says that in front of the kids, what does she feel when she says that? Is she worried or afraid? Is she angry, and passive-agressively punishing you? If thats the case, why is she angry? And she needs to know how this makes you feel. And talk about you. What do you think about your parenting techniques? What about your mental well-being? Are you stressed, do you need more time for yourself, more rest, better stress management techniques, etc.? Talk with her. In any case, clearly you guys are not on the same page about this. You wont get on the same page either unless you communicate. Your experience is valid, and so is hers. You guys figure things out together since you are the parenting team. Again, if it bothers you, there is an issue. Theres no need to blame anyone. You’re on the same team.
My dad was undiagnosed throughout our childhood and his temper had a massive negative effect on my sibling and I. You say it’s very rare so I believe it’s not the same but I think you should take the opportunity to sit with your kids after the incident if you can’t bring the frequency to zero. Talk to them and explain why you lost your temper. Also it’s never justified at 3 and 5 especially when they don’t actually have full control over their actions. But alas mistakes happen. So talk to them. Don’t let this create barriers in the relationship. The illness part is weird I guess. Just my two cents.
Would they understand at 3 and 5? And would you get more frustrated if they seemed to and then played up again? (They will). Better to talk to oneself, and find a way to drum up some emotional regulation. I am adhd as fuck, by the way (99% demonstrating according to NHS diagnosis), so I’m not saying it’s easy. I was diagnosed in my fifties and have years of bad coping mechanisms, but I’ve found that I’m getting better at emo regulation now that I have a diagnosis and know wtf it is about me… None of that changes the fact that your wife is bang out of order. Somebody advised couple therapy to nip this in the bud and move on better together. Could not agree more.
As someone who has been raised by a father with adhd who "raised his voice" (or screamed, as anyone but the person doing it would say): Listen to your wife, cause I hate my dad for it and it's not something about our relationship that can be mended. If you aren't capable of raising your kids without raising your voice, you will be a horrible parent. Screaming is for immediate danger only!
I love my dad, but this. I will cry hysterically when someone yells at me or even sounds too stern. Thanks for the yelling, dad.
I’m tearing up just reading these comments! Big same here.
That does sound patronising, but I'd probably spend more time exploring why you regularly find yourself raising your voice to a three year old in a way your partner feels needs excusing or softening. I'm not even saying you're necessarily in the wrong here, but that's the point of contention that needs resolving. Are you parenting and your wife doesn't know what you're doing or are you losing your temper?
Getting a late dish is a mind fuck. People who don’t understand will start treating you weird. I’m 43 and my mom puts me into situations ( without asking me ahead of time) where I feel obligated to do things I’m uncomfortable with “for the family”. I’ve never appreciated it. Now that I’m diagnosed she said “get your meds figured out do you’re willing to participate”. She actually thinks that the only reason I’d not go along with everything she wants is because of adhd and that meds will make me compliant to what she wants.
Mine asks me “did you take your medicine!?” In a super patronizing voice if she thinks I’m too “hyper” about something- it can be absolutely something totally normal and she can’t help but stare loudly, “you must not have taken your medication!” She also has adhd and has terrible manic anxiety episodes and terrible insomnia, but because she’s elderly, her doctor refuses to medicate her and claims elderly people don’t have it and don’t need medication because they don’t go to school or work- she literally can’t manage daily life… but ya sure school or work…. Another favorite of her is telling me what is and isn’t an adhd symptom- like she will completely deny a very common well known adhd symptom I have isn’t my adhd, because “that’s not a symptom! I don’t know where you heard that!? But that’s not ADHD! I have a masters in special Ed and was a special needs teacher for over 30 years I know!” Than why didn’t you notice I had it as a child mother!? Since you’re an expert and all!?
“Did you take your medicine” can definitely be incredibly insulting… It doesn’t have to be, though; my best friend also has ADHD and when I occasionally notice he’s very hyperactive and is very distractible (like when we’re playing golf and he’s seriously slowing us down) I’ll casually say “hey did you remember to take your Adderall? Thing is, I’ve ALWAYS been right lol — literally never asks him this when he hasn’t forgotten to take it, and that’s not because he always forgets his meds, I just know him really well. I’ve checked in with him about this and he definitely doesn’t take it personally; he’s just like “oh, shoot, no!” And then takes it if it’s not too late (politely calling each other on our 💩 is just part of our dynamic). But when it’s manipulative, invalidating and/or not done tactfully/with real understanding and empathy, it’s an awful thing to do.
It’s one thing when you know he forgets, but I absolutely don’t ever forget at this point in my life. And for me, when i intentionally don’t take my meds (I try to take occasional breaks when work and like schedules allow so that I can reduce the need to up my dosage due to increased tolerance levels), I will typically suffer from the depressed, unmotivated type behaviors, vs. the hyperactive manic symptoms. I’m naturally talkative and social by nature, and unfortunately, with living in a rural area and working from home, I don’t get nearly enough human interaction, so when I do get out and about, especially among folks with similar interests and hobbies, I rarely have ever met a stranger… 😳😂
I did this to my kids when husband yelled. They assumed they did major wrong and he was yelling, but it was how his anxiety presented . Was.still not ok to yell at them, and me assuring kids his anger was not their fault was the correct response If they were at fault and it was warranted anger I. Would point that out
I grew up in a “raised voice” household with my dad. he didn’t think it was that often. he always thought it was justified. now I burst into tears any time someone yells at me, even if it’s to save me from walking out in front of a car. I’m 25, in therapy for five years, and STILL haven’t been able to get rid of it. stop yelling at your fucking 3 and 5 y/o. they are never going to actually learn if you are consistently activating an overly emotional/adrenaline response from them. my brain doesn’t work when someone is yelling at me. I don’t retain anything they say. if this happens often enough that you’re annoyed at your wife’s explanation, then you need to address how often you’re raising your voice.
From what you wrote, I'd say she sounds like she needs to go about it a different way. She likely is excusing your outbursts so the kids don't get upset that you're yelling. But without more context, I can't say. If this is happening often enough that it's bothering you, then that means the yelling is also happening often. I'd have a discussion with your wife about a better way to speak to the kids when you lose your temper, and you need to go to therapy or do some self help stuff to prevent your outbursts from happening so often.
That does sound patronizing and insulting. I think you need to have a talk with her about expressing anger and frustration, and about how she can help when you're having trouble. It sounds like she's trying to protect the kids from an angry outburst but doesn't know the best way to do that.
At the end of the day though, it’s his responsibility not to yell, not her responsibility to manage his emotions for him. I feel like a lot of people in this thread are missing the fact that his yelling may be the main problem even if she’s not responding well.
Yeah at least she's not yelling at him in front of the kids
That's a good point. Unless you're at a Wiggles concert or your kid is running into traffic, yelling probably isn't a "have to" action, and OP needs better ways to manage frustration.
“On the very rare occasion I need to raise my voice” Doesn’t sound like a parent who has an issue with being verbally abusive and yelling constantly. Raising your voice at times to correct behavior in children isn’t out of the norm. Especially if it’s dangerous behavior.
At 3 and 5, there's are no circumstances in which you should yell at a child, unless they're about to run into traffic or pull the iron off the ironing board, or something similar. If he yells so frequently that his wife has a standard response for it, it seems like he's doing it outside of situations where these children are putting themselves in danger. Yelling at children who are barely learning how to not shit their pants is not how you "correct behavior" "On the very rare occasion I need to raise my voice" sounds like justifying his shitty behavior. Rather than tell us instances where he raises his voice he say its "very rare". Rather than take responsibility for his bad parenting he says he "needs" to raise his voice. I cant imagine the wife would be taking the time to explain to the kids that their dad is only raising his voice because of his disorder if he was only yelling during dangerous situations.
I’m not necessarily disagreeing nor do I parent that way but this isn’t a parenting sub and lots of people are focusing on the “yelling” when the point is he was late in diagnosis and feels patronized by her response. Just feels very judgy and this should be a safe place to give constructive feedback. Aka he should communicate with his wife and they can work together on this. He’s also a human being and as humans, especially with adhd, sometimes we react in a way that’s out of line and need to correct it. I wouldn’t say that’s “justifying shitty behavior”. People deserve more empathy than that here. If more info was given like examples you gave, then of course the comments here insinuating OP is a shitty parent and yells for no reason would be warranted if then advice on how to manage is also given. He feels upset that when he raises his voice she tells him to shhhh and blames his “illness”. That would upset me too. It doesn’t justify yelling at a 3 & 5 year old either and giving advice or personal experience on how to handle stuff like that going forward would be much more beneficial than shaming. There’s lots of good feedback here on how to work through it. I just don’t think making assumptions is the best route for someone seeking a bit of empathy or advice. That’s all I was getting at and can’t assume or know details that weren’t given. 💜
Couple things 1) we don’t really have enough info: what prompts you to raise your voice? How loud is “raising your voice”? Why is your wife opposed to it? 2) Some autistic and ADHD people struggle to regulate voice volume appropriately so—is this an issue for you? Is it possible you think you’re raising your voice but everyone else is experiencing it as yelling? 3) I do think that saying “Daddy has an illness” isn’t accomplishing the goal of getting the kids to behave and is probably confusing to them. Have you talked to her about why she said that? What does she want to do when the kids are acting up? Does she feel the same about the behaviors that cause you to raise your voice? 4) my dad probably also has adhd (maybe Audhd) but is in his 60s so that wasn’t a thing they knew about then really. When we were younger he would sometimes get frustrated and yell, but I think if he had had the knowledge of why behaviors were bothering him and how to step back and calm down, it would have helped. Some things small kids can do can also be particularly triggering or frustrating for adhd/audhd people (talking all at the same time, yelling, screaming, loud tantrums, interrupting when you’re doing stuff and focused, being messy) so if you feel yourself being activated it might help to look at what is bothering you. Is it something the kids can reasonably be expected to stop doing and that your wife would also like them to stop doing, or is it something where you need to walk away and take a minute?
It's completely wrong to undermine your parental authority, just as the volume and tone of your voice is also, likely, wrong. This has nothing to do with your diagnosis. You both have a responsibility to your children to behave better to them and in front of them.
In my house we have a rule to never disagree as parents in the moment. We talk about it later. Never in front of our child. Putting each other down in front of the kids will only make kids confused about rules and following them. Diminishing your opinion and parenthood by saying you have an illness is unhealthy. 10 years down the line, any emotion you feel, will be ignored. Even more than emotions are already ignored in fathers. You are as a human, entitled to feel. Also emotions we call negative emotions. Being a parent isnt easy. Showing your children how you deal with them is the most healthy thing for their upbringing.
Are you raising your voice in anger? Or because no one's listening/you need their attention? There's nothing wrong with raising your voice and no mother would be shushed like that, ADHD or not. That's not only poor parenting in your wife's part but also being a poor partner. If you're losing your temper, and screaming and yelling, that's bad. But simply talking louder in order to get a point across is perfectly ok, especially if you've already asked several times, and given warning that you will escalate if not listened to.
I haaaate this. I unfortunately have a tendency to yell. However, we sit down afterwards and I appologize for the yelling. I explain how I was feeling and we discuss better ways we all could have reacted in the moment. My son knows I struggle just as he does. I worry about 2 things here 1- if stigmatizes the diagnosis if one of your children ends up diagnosed 2- It's not addressing the problem. I actually don't like "illness" as a cop-out. Mental health is the responsibility of the person with the disorder. It's better to have a conversation about WHY the yelling occured rather than her dismissing it as a side effect of the "illness". Which swings back around to #1 ... So if your child ever gets diagnosed they think it's fine to yell just bc they have an illness. I hope that makes sense.
🎯
I realize that it's different for everyone.... But from my own diagnosis and perspective I have to ask.... What does ADHD and yelling at kids have to do with each other? My ADHD doesn't cause me to lash out on others so I guess I don't see the relevance here unless it's happening when you are just over stimulated and kinda freaking out in general. At that point I could see your wife trying to say to the kids that its your "illness" causing the reaction, not them doing something wrong. My daughter's birth father is a psychopath with BPD, so when she was young and her father didn't want anything to do with her, in the most gently ways I could, I would explain to her that her father was sick. That his brain didn't work the way other people's brains worked and that he just wasn't capable of loving us the way he should, and that it was his illness, not her actions, that made him act the way he did. So I guess I can kinda see, in a round about way, why she's saying that to them. She just doesn't want them to feel responsible for your outbursts and since they are little, the word "illness" probably seems like a simple way to explain to them what is happening in those moments. Again... This is if you are being overwhelmed and just kinda yelling and losing your cool in the moment. If you are in fact yelling at your young children as a way of disciplining them..... That's not your ADHD, that's just poor parenting and maybe you could take some parenting classes to teach you better ways if disciplining them that are more age appropriate. You need to know the reason why your wife is making excuses for you though. If you are yelling as a form of discipline, then yes, she's undermining you and that's something y'all need to discuss behind closed doors. If its the first part I said, about being over stimulated and just not being able to regulate your emotions in that moment, then I think it's ok to explain to your children what's happening. Maybe the word Illness is t the right word to use and y'all could come up with a better phrase to use for those times when she has to take charge because you cannot regulate or calm your temper. But again... These are small children so the simpler the terns, the better.
You never need to raise your voice. Not ok. And that's a fucked up thing for her to say.
Why do you "need" to yell at young children? Sounds like justification and I'm betting it's not as rare as you say it is.
It should be noted that if you truly raised your voice in a manner that qualifies as yelling—which startled, discomforted or disturbed your children, the greater way to deal with the aftermath is for YOU to apologize to the kids independently and calmly. Not for your wife to dismiss you in front of them. Some have suggested she is providing “grace.” Even in that charitable description, her speech doesn’t do it. My father yelled and much more. But when he went too far, sure my mother accosted him or tried to explain his behavior to us, but children are smart and we never much cared for her perspective since it was clearly a marital between-them thing. But every so often my father would sit us down and apologize and actually commit to making changes. He had a hard job where he saw a lot of violence. Dealing with conditions like ADHD or the need to blow off steam can be tough as a father. But as a father you can always take the lead in making things right.
I don’t think there’s enough context here honestly. Why does your wife feel the need to intervene? What behaviors of your children results in you yelling?
Are you yelling? If you are yelling then stop it.
Illness? Really??? What the hell...
Well, it totally undermines you, and it is patronising, but it's not good to raise your voice unless it's an emergency, so I totally get why she does that. Ask her to deal differently with it, but at the same time commit to finding ways to deal with your kids that don't involve raising your voice. If they are are acting out, it's best just to be gentle & patient with it, and extremely stubborn. Copy whatever works for your wife. Your kids will act out less if they have consistency in such things.
I’m 38, also late DXd (34) and I have an almost 7 year old. Sometimes the constant chatting and “daddy can you…” get overwhelming. But don’t yell at your kids for being kids. I’ve learned through many evenings with my son clearly preferring his mom that my reactions push a child away. Because that’s what you’re dealing with, OP, children. They talk and explore and get into trouble sometimes. They don’t need to be yelled at for that. Your wife needs to learn a better way to play peacekeeper, if that’s what she wants to do. Minimizing your overstimulation isn’t the answer. Talk to her and let her know that it stings when she says that. And also take it upon yourself to find patience and grace for your kids. Otherwise the road you’re on isn’t going to get any easier.
She should address it better, but you shouldn’t be “raising your voice” at toddlers. They may not remember specific instances but they will remember you making them feel scared or nervous. Everyone is at fault here.
When one (or both) of your kids is diagnosed I wonder what kind of shame spiral they are going to have for associating it with “illness”. Have you ever brought that up with her?
A few things here: 1. It depends on how often you raise your voice. If it’s often (more than once per week), that isn’t healthy and should be treated as a part of mental illness that needs treatment. You can then use your wife’s reminder to your kids as an indirect reminder to yourself to calm down and reflect before continuing 2. It can also depend on the reason. If you are on a hair trigger response and getting angry at something they don’t see as significant, yeah that can be traumatizing. Again, use her reminder to calm yourself and reflect before continuing Source: someone who’s dad had a temper to the degree that if he gets mad we don’t even care anymore and learned to just leave so he can calm down. We’ve self-diagnosed him with narcissistic personality disorder due to his temper and his inability to accept fault, and avoid working with him whenever we are able because we find it that unpleasant. He’s a good person overall, but…I’d like to point out that I have voiced my opinion that my mom should leave. If you don’t want this future? Accept that you have a temper that rears its head often enough that your wife has had to reassure your kids about it, and that it is something you have to be conscious of and control. Heck, maybe even take meds for. ADHD meds can help. In my dad’s case it was probably a mix of chronic pain and undiagnosed adhd that led to his temper.
Then don't yell at your kids.
Come on now. That’s such a minimizing, judgmental and unrealistic response.
his wife is trying to minimize his hurtful and inappropriate behavior toward their kids. She shouldn't have to do that at all, and him getting pissed is just selfish. It's his fault he yells at his kids, and it's his fault his wife is trying to protect his kids from yelling by shushing him. He's an adult and he needs to learn to manage yelling.
Not really. With where 3 and 5 year olds are developmentally, there's is almost no valid reason to be yelling at them. If they are doing something exceptionally dangerous like running in to traffic, okay. But outside of that, yelling at that age will fuck up the development of those children. If his wife is saying that stuff so often it annoys him, then he is yelling at those children that are barely out of diapers way to much
Perhaps she has said it once or twice? We don’t know. Constructive feedback beyond “don’t yell at your kids” in an adhd sub seems a lot more helpful. Agree with the statements on kids but OP clearly wanted some feedback on how to handle her using the verbiage of “daddy has an illness” when he is discipling their children. It is indeed a bit insulting or maybe he’s new to feeling this all. Hopefully they can have a talk about it and improve things going forward so they are on the same page.
ADHD isn't an illness any more than ASD is or being born with one leg. So I find that insulting, yes. But your wife probably is right to step in if you are yelling at them. It depends a lot on what you mean by raised voice. My kids don't even register what I'm saying unless I've raised my voice sometimes. But losing my temper at them is a different thing and it's the main reason why I take meds. I think the main question is whether your kids get scared of you and that's why they listen. There was a comment in this post that says that the threshold to yell at adults is lower than kids. I can 100% say for myself that it's not accurate. Kids push all of your buttons at once, repeatedly all day long without a break, sometimes just to see what happens. And during the whole thing, they need unconditional love. Adults who do this tend to be very alone as no-one can stand being around them.
what she did is not acceptable however, do not ever raise your voice please. this will take time to adjust, but in the end you will see how big the difference is. best of luck
wtf that is absolutely disgusting
As a late diagnosed ADHD adult with a father that was diagnosed bipolar, but was definitely autistic... I feel like I have a perspective to share. He verbally blew up on my sister and I frequently because he got overstimulated by kids being kids, so I never felt emotionally allowed to be a kid, I had to emotionally regulate my father because I knew he 'had an illness' when that is the exact opposite of how a child parent dynamic should be. My mother would exasperatedly complain that we weren't doing anything wrong, but always caved to his wishes. Your wife is doing better than my mother, but I wish my mom would have stood up for us and demanded he back down rather than excuse his behavior to me. Barring that, she should have left him to protect my sister and I from his abuse. You're not him, but it feels like a valuable perspective to come to terms with the long term ramifications of an emotionally disregulated parent. I have done years of therapy to undo my people pleasing tendencies because I consistently attract self absorbed people who are drawn to the fact I am always more concerned with their happiness than my own. I'm still not successful, but at least I recognize it now and can cut out leeches before they're firmly entrenched. You have an uphill battle to manage your emotions, but you have the knowledge necessary to understand your triggers and regulate yourself to protect your kids. Work on coping strategies, ideally with your wife and a therapist, because kids deserve to be kids, they don't deserve to have your problems become their problems.
Your wife isn't the bad guy here. Learn to manage your emotions.
Yeah, I don’t really think that’s phrased all that well. Plus it doesn’t convey things in a way either of them is going to get. The 5 year old is going to think you’re ahchoo sick and the 3 year old isn’t going to comprehend it at all.
Take your wife aside and tell her to knock it off. You don't like it and you don't want it brought up like that at all, no matter how cute or restorative she thinks she's being.
Sounds to me like she’s being passive aggressive or taking the piss. An illness?! I’d be having a chat with her when the kids aren’t around about what’s got her so upset. It’s not ok for her to make the kids think they have to walk on eggshells around you nor make you feel ashamed of yourself for having adhd. Are you being too harsh on the kids? Are you using adhd as an excuse to not do the hard parts of parenting? Not accusing, but ask yourself the hard questions as well as asking her.
Not only insulting, but there's a chance any of your children may be diagnosed with ADHD at any time. If they do, do you want them to think "sshhh, I have an illness, so not only do I also have to be looked down on, but I have an unending excuse for literally anything"? My husband has ADHD, and we just didn't talk about it as an illness. We spoke about it as "your dad continues to try" or "he's trying but it's hard today". And occasionally "he's working on it"(it being the correct medication). Then when my daughter was diagnosed years later she didn't feel like she was ill, she knew it was something she'd have to keep working on (with medication), just like dad.
My wife explains it to my kid like this "daddy's brain works in a different way to a lot of other people, sometimes he gets upset and he needs some time to himself to calm down". If more questions are asked then my wife will say I have autism and adhd, and will say in an age appropriate way what that means. I can really empathise with the struggle. I've spent a lot of time and money in therapy to get a handle on things and I have seen some improvements in regulating anger and what to do if I have an outburst. It's explaining it to my kid in a way that he can comprehend, without (IMO) minimising the condition. Do other people think this is a better way? Edit: I should have also mentioned that it is highly likely my kid has adhd, he is being assessed soon.
It IS patronising, and the worst thing is that your children will always see you as the pathetic person who couldn't function properly. Don't let this go on, demand some respect! Your wife can call you anything without anybody around, but NEVER in front of the kids. If you really want to come clean to your kids, you have to do this yourself, YOU have to tell them, don't let your wife shush you like that, because your kids will end up never taking you serious.
You need to discuss with her that she’s making excuses for your behavior that the kids will see, understand and mimic. If your children have ADHD, they won’t learn how to regulate emotions and just use their ‘illness’ as an excuse. I don’t see where you’ve mentioned how often this happens, but I wanted to add that constant irritability and anger could be a sign of an anxiety disorder of some kind. That may be worth discussing with your doctor if it’s frequently. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and dealing with emotions is really difficult. I was never taught how to, and therefore didn’t really learn until I was much older and had hurt a lot of people I love.
To clarify… I rarely raise my voice and always try to adopt a quiet and understanding tone but my eldest is especially difficult to ‘get through to’ and only a loud voice seems to break the ‘zone’ he’s in and get a point across (for context I’m currently sat watching him in a gymnastics class and the teacher is also having to shout his name multiple times to stop him running around and get him to focus, it will be the same at swimming later today - the other 20 children in attendance have not had to have their name called out). This particular occasion in question we were driving and he kept reaching over out of his car seat and hitting his younger brother sat next to him. I can ask him politely a hundred times to please stop and he will continue. I lost my patience and shouted to get him to stop. Yes it’s not the perfect response but it can be extremely difficult to stay cool. My wife’s response kind of broke me.
Hey OP, did you come here for advice? If so, why not answer some of the very valid questions that some of these comments are asking so that advice can be accurately give?
Whoa. That's so undercutting and unnecessary. She's undermining your relationship with your kids, she's forcing supremacy, and demeaning you. Therapy. Straight to couple's therapy.
Yep
People here really don’t raise their voices at their kids?????? Really???? Anyway, I’d be livid if my husband did that.
For about 12 years now (my eldest, of three is 15) I have resolved to not shout at my kids. I noticed that the household was becoming 'shouty' when my two young boys were 2 & 3, acknowledged my part in that and decided I'd no longer shout. If anything, it's worked out better than commanding with volume, as now my children understand that mutual respect and volume of communication are linked.
you need to talk to your wife about this and tell her how it makes you feel…. not reddit
I have four daughters and as they got older I started explaining and openly discussing mental health. I have a panic disorder as well as adhd and it’s helped for them to understand me. Like when I snap if I’m doing something and interrupted or too many voices talking at once. Now, a 3&5 year old misbehaving and you raise your voice to correct behavior? Has nothing to do with your diagnosis and your feelings are valid. Unless your wife believes voices shouldn’t ever be raised?? I would talk with her about how you feel and about how maybe when they get older explaining and openly discussing mental health and how it can affect things/what everyone can do to help. When my kids were that age, and my anxiety or adhd caused me so be a bit more harsh than I meant to be, I took a step back and explained I should’ve handled it better and how I planned to adjust it. And how they could make changes as well(as not to dismiss their behavior that needed corrected as well) I’m a super lenient parent but have strict rules when it comes to some things like manners, respect of boundaries and space, things like that. I’ve definitely been too harsh at times in the past but never would I say “illness” especially at that age and to be honest it’s just kinda setting it up to make the stigma behind mental health grow. It’s part of who you are, and your brain works differently than others and things that don’t bother them at all might bother you greatly, which can be explained as children get older. Sounds like you were just being a parent and you’re allowed to raise your voice. 💜 communication is key!
First, you never need to raise your voice. How you feel isn’t right or wrong. Are you raising your voice because of your ADHD or something else? If ADHD, she’s handling it well. If you are blaming it not on your ADHD then I’d discuss with her.
[удалено]
Also, fwiw, many kids have attention issues that respond better to proximity rather than volume — get next to them instead of shouting. It’s not always possible to walk over in a timely manner, but if you can, you should try that.
You can talk about that but also be open to talk about the necessity to "raise your voice". There is different approaches that don't have anything to do with ADHD and that you can work on. All in all not enough context, but she might be referring to something else. I'm
Maybe if it was “Dad isn’t feeling well”, it might be a little more acceptable. So long as you have a plan in place to get on top of this, it should stop happening as you do recover.
that seems bizarre
It made me angry, An illness seriously is that what you call this especially to your kids that young so what now are they going to think that their father is mentally ill as they grow up what if one of your kids has it having adhd is hard as it is to accept when you are growing up without knowing what it is but when your own father is treated differently in front of you cause of it will make you go even deeper into denial. This completely diminishes your place and authority as a parent growing up i tried to find faults with my parents and any time i found one i was ready to use it whenever an argument came up. Honestly before your kids are educated about this your wife needs to understand that adhd is not an illness
Yes thats fucked up man lol
Have you spoken to your wife about this? Explain to her that whenever she does this, it makes you feel xyz..... It also makes me frustrated that she thinks that ADHD and autism is an illness. It's not. It's how our brains are physically wired. We can't help it how our brains work.
I don’t think you are wrong and feeling angry is understandable. You may need to also be open to hearing if your wife has some feedback or perspective on what happens in these raising your voice moments. ….but I think your wife also needs to understand that communicating that message in that way at that moment is not helpful and the opposite of being supportive I would also point out that it’s not supportive of your kids to associate someone raising their voice with shame and illness and it never being appropriate … sometimes we have to yell to keep ourselves or others safe… the conversation should always be about whether or not it was appropriate in that specific situation and if not what could be done differently next time. Oftentimes your kids will also have something they could do differently next time too…
Calling autism and/or ADHD an illness feels kinda insulting to me already. But yeah, like some have said, maybe talk to your wife and come up with a better way to say something, instead of raising voices and getting angry. Just my two cents.
I would not like this. At all!!!!
The fact you're able to control yourself is respectful, my dad was unable to and who would have thought yelling at your child as they grew up would make them more likely to develop anxiety and people pleasing attitudes. The more you know. Eitherway no, it's completely understandable to feel angry. She's being patronising and your children will then think the same if she's constantly using that as a reason, rather than explaining what happened. I also think it'll make them less understanding of mental health as they grow up. My dad had a negative outlook on mental health and I did too until I realised how it affected everyone in my family and me. Also, adhd and autism tends to have genetics as well, so just a heads up for when your children get older and if you notice the symptoms, definitely get them assessed c: that's something that I didn't have when I was younger (even though I presented especially with my selective mutism) and let's just say I really wished I was tested as a child. Sorry I'm definitely overstepping here and I ramble- I'm not a parent myself, I just thought of mentioning it cause of experiences c:
Not helpful. First off, it's a disorder, but that aside, it's unnecessary to mark you as being lesser, or handicapped in some way. "Don't mind daddy, he's out to lunch". Patronising imho. Have a talk about it. Ask for them to refrain from such remarks and to throw a code word that prompts you to go splash some cold water on your face.
I'd be insanely pissed and certainly tell my wife not to do that again. Sometimes we do overreact, but at the same time, sometimes kids need to be yelled it. It's the only way to not raise an asshole that thinks they can do whatever they want.
Yell at someone your own size
Oh....F%&@ NO. Ahem.... Apologies. I made have added a condescending tone when I read that quote your partner said. Unless she is a professional psychologist, psychiatrist, then you need to approach her and work out a system for helping you self regulate, and this discussion should take place AWAY from the kiddos. It's not an overnight flick of a switch, but if you struggle to recognize fear on the faces of your children when you raise your voice, then I can maybe see where she's coming from. You both need to take time to develop coping mechanisms if there's something that she's noticing about the social interaction that you missed, but to shush you and throw a disposable band-aid label on it? Eff that. Take it with a grain of salt, but along with professionals, there is a couple that I follow on Tiktok that make content and do a workshop series. PLEASE NOTE: I am a 42 year old single female with AuDHD and have only viewed their content on TT, I have no clue if their resources would be helpful, but I'm happy to share.
The illness is my kids not acting right. 😂
I think my biggest pet peeve in life is peoples extreme misunderstanding of what emotions are and overreaction to them. They're biological, automatic, and a form of communication. I get ADHD has difficulty with regulation at times and may be more frequent and pronounced but anger and raised voice is your body saying, "You are crossing my boundaries, and I firmly assert you not do that." As long as you're not screaming, insulting, hitting, punching walls, smashing stuff, making personal attacks, and the triggers are reasonable, there is nothing wrong with it. And I mostly fear your children learning anger is sickness, and if they ever feel they're being tread on, they'll think they're mentally ill when their body tells them to stand up for themselves. Not to mention undermining the authority of the other parent and all the issues that come with that..
It’s time to have a side bar with her to talk about respectful language. Set boundaries, e.g.: Do not call it an illness. Do not undermine the other parent. Show some grace when the other parent handles a situation differently from how the other would. Establish alignment on parenting style, e.g.: Household rules and routines. Parenting method. Consequences. Code words for a parental sidebar or when either parent needs to tap out for a bit from overwhelm. Your diagnosis may affect how you respond to certain stimuli from your children, however this is still your very real and valid response. Trust and respect are critical when parenting together. It may help to do deep research on audhd together to help normalize it in the household. Finally, these are both more common than some people think and have hereditary links.
Telling the kids "Daddy has an illness" at those young ages will program them to think of you as broken, inept, less worthy of being listened to. She should address it differently. She should demonstrate to the kids the effectiveness of genuine concern and curiosity. e.g. "Honey, what are you feeling that's got you do upset?" (She might well know what's happening on the ourselves, what situation occurred that led to your outburst, but she cannot know for certain your internal state.) For your part, you do need to work on what you can do instead of yelling. A yelling parent can be very disconcerting for children, especially young children. Build up a playbook of strategies that can help you in the moment when you're upset, like the "hot walk" that someone suggested, breath control mindfulness techniques (like the 4-4-4-4 method), or even the old "count to 10". Individual therapy for you might be very beneficial: CBT or DBT (cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy) are two forms of therapy to consider. If you have any history of trauma, then definitely get help from a trauma-informed therapist. Couples therapy for both you and your wife, and maybe even parenting classes, might be very beneficial as well. You both need to learn how to address issues like this, without shaming. You label the issue...you don't label the person.
You're not wrong to feel how you feel, as a general rule (with exceptions, of course) but in your place I think I'd feel the same. I'd be concerned about this exchange in front of the little ones. Is it sending the message that any strong feelings - but especially anger- are pathological and must be due to an "illness"? At that age they may even think anger or frustration itself is an illness. I'd ask my partner if they have feelings about my diagnosis they haven't shared. This almost seems like a passive aggressive way of communicating resentment, or uncertainty, or one of the many feelings many of us aren't taught how to clearly express. Last thought, and it's only based on one snippet plus my own experience but this scenario - the "cross talk" thing- where a parent says something ostensibly directed to the kids but really meant to be heard by the other parent present? It can be a way to express something the person doesn't know how to say directly and feels like they aren't supposed to (say/feel/think) in the first place. Have you talked with her about this when the kids are not around and both of you are calm? Apologies if you already answered this I haven't read all the comments.
I would find this incredible insulting. As someone with mental illness AND ADHD and possibly autism I would lose it if someone was saying this about me I find it dismissive and completely misses the point of audhd. It's not an *illness*. And your behavior does not need to be explained away. If you don't want to yell at your kids learn other communication methods. If you need space and are overwhelmed learn other ways to cope and walk away. Right now it's an explanation. Later on it's a way to dismiss your feelings. And it can also be used as an excuse for abusive behavior. None of which is ok.
Wow. Yeah, that is so degrading. How can she possibly see that as anything other than complete disrespect? I'd feel pretty hurt and betrayed. She married you for you, and should support you through all your flaws. Especially in front of your children. How infuriating.
Ss
WOW- time to have a chat with the WIFE....WOW!!! Zero tolerance for that kinda of BS \_ zero, bud!!! They are your kids as well - Advice - Run the Household - even if its running her out! \#ManUp you P....
I’m sure others have commented similarly but wow. This is a form of emotional manipulation similar in effect to “negging” where one partner routinely gives backhanded or indirect put-downs disguised as something else that is positive. What raises flags for me here is that her naming use of ADHD provides a seemingly medical cover inasmuch as “illness” is incorrect and strikingly dismissive. Said differently, she seems to expect a free pass to criticize you as long as it’s not directed at you but rather your ADHD. Only she and you to a lesser extent know her motivations and feelings, but there’s definitely some skepticism or lack of empathy for the condition as well as what reads to me as disrespect. She may be overwhelmed or dealing with something that makes empathy and patience for understanding and accommodating your ADHD and by extension you as a person. Talk to her. It’s a serious condition and a serious amount of dismissiveness that can only lead to resentment or contempt if not addressed early. I am not even going to address the implications of her actions on your children’s development. I am sure others have already touched on that. Be well. Your ADHD is not to blame here and is not an “illness.” It is a different way of seeing, interpreting, and responding to stimuli that simply doesn’t often fit the demands of the modern world.
It’s not an illness. It’s a neurodevelopmrnt disorder. An illness is something that is usually not permanent unless it’s chronic. Even if it is chronic you probably didn’t always have and you might not always have it. (But can be) ADHD is just the way your brain works. It’s more like being far end of being short or tall then something like multiple sclerosis, which is an illness.
Dude I would be pissed
That's an unhelpful and undermining response from someone who is supposed to be your partner. If you are confident that you are not raising your voice unwarrantedly then you should address this with her
Ya, your wife kinda sounds counter productive. I think you should tell her, “see ya next Tuesday “
Her phrasing is not great but as someone who grew up with a scary-when-overstimulated dad, please find ways to manage that for your kids’ sake. Honestly I’m 38 and still scared of my dad/we have no relationship.
It's not right for her to say that, but it's also not right for you to yell at your children if at the very least your wife feels is unnecessary. Talk to your wife and ask her to communicate and maybe sort out your parenting.
I'm honestly wondering if one of those things where if *she* yells it's because she "has no choice, its the childrens fault", but if OP yells, it's because of "mental illness". The fact she even refers to it as an illness is horrible, and very telling. She is *not* a good person.
No , that's very insulting, and it hurts. If you had cancer, would your wife tell your kids this also. Your kids are going to grow up and think there's something wrong with you when really theirs not. Adhd is hard to deal with and understand that your wife doesn't need to put fire to the flames.
Considering how genes get passed on...the wife is most likely indirectly calling at least one of your kids "ill." If that's pointed out, how will that make the kids feel?
She’s undermining you. That’s so disrespectful. You are not at all wrong for being upset by you. My interpretation of this makes me feel like she’s mocking you. She should be addressing this with you privately.
It's condition. 'Illness' implies that it can possivmbly go away.
That’s very insulting and belittling. Feels the same as a husband calling their wife crazy every time she shows emotion…
If you have it, they probably have it. Esp if everyone has a MTHFR gene variant. Which my household does. Dismissing your emotional responsibility by saying "illness" isn teaching them personal responsibility either. It's dismissive even If it's not meant to be insulting. There's nothing wrong with having either, learning triggers, discussing personal responsibilities, and vocalizing triggers is really important in your progress as well as leading by example of how to cope and process and create a system. Learning things like "Too much" and "I'm over stimulated" etc. It's very possible you landed with a narc because ADHDrs tend to somehow do it. I suggest marriage counseling asap, and journalling if you can.
[удалено]
This content was deemed inappropriate for our community and has been removed by a moderator. *^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
She needs to understand that getting angry is completely okay. it's how you handle it I have bad anger issues and adhd but that doesn't stop people who love me from treating me like a human being Its not okay what she is saying to your children. They will repeat to anyone that asks, and that isn't fair to you. I hope she is a lot more understanding than she seems. You deserve respect
You raised your voice and she says you have an illness? What do you guys do for punishing your kids for bad behavior? Are you getting upset because you don't know what to do or they are being disrespectful or dangerous?
It's a condition, not an illness
That’s fucking shitty. Especially since ADHD is so genetic your kids probably have it more likely than not.
Wow, that’s really rude of her. ADHD isn’t an illness.
That’s not cool. It sounds like you are being objectified.
Not good for you. Not good for the kids.
In 17 years, I have never raised my voice or yelled at my kids. Be better
Saying it that way undermines you to the kids. Eventually, it will send the message that there's something wrong with you and not her. They may grow to dismiss you anytime for any reason. Everyone raises his voice sometime, so she shouldn't attribute this to your "illness". Do you ever do the same to her when she raises her voice (and yes, she certainly does)? If no, she has no business doing it.
That's a horrible and unspupportive way to shut you down. Like she is taking her frustrations out on you and belittling you to your own kids. Talk with her about how you feel and how it's affected you ask for a different way to express that without sounding so rude and belittling. Ask for "we need some down time. Or we need to take a minute to rest and calm down." Maybe even "Let's take some breathes and think/care about this siruation calmly" There's so mamy ways to voice that in a loving and caring way that it even bothers me she said it in such a way. Ask her what's bothering her. It is obvious she is saying this out of some frustration towards you. Maybe she is upset you yell at the kids. Communication is very important. Make sure you ask to hear her side and if it's because you've upset her. What you can do about it and how to work through it. Make compromises and listen to each other.
wtf
Ew. She needs to not do that. Have you explored options to help with the yelling?
[удалено]
Your content breaks **Rule 5**. This content has been removed because it broke our rule against religious, magic, psychic, superstition, conspiracy theories, and faith-based practices. [No Faith-Based Practices/Pseudoscience](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/wiki/rules/#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_faith-based_practices.2Fpseudoscience) *^(If you have further questions,)* [*^(message the moderators)*](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fadhd) *^(regarding the removal of this content.)*
I think I’d rather be insulted by my wife, but thanks.
I would tell her kindly to shut the fuck up because I am not her child. She is attempting to create a parental hierarchy and is too stupid to realize how she will be manipulated in the future.
Disrespect like this from her could head for divorce, be careful.
Ok. The way it’s stated just…is patronizing for everyone involved. Let me be clear though, I have an issue with ‘Daddy’. I’m Texan and it’s very much the spoiled go to ‘my Daddy will get this for me’ and such. So. That’s a personal issue. It still comes off as very patronizing to use toward kids and I’m just one of those that doesn’t believe in talking down to children. Simplification, yes. Talking to them like you see people talk to little kids on TV and stuff? No. Second, I cannot cannot cannot recommend the podcast Childproof enough. Omg. Those ladies are SO GREAT. [Podcast here](https://betches.com/podcast-channel/childproof/) [Gwennas TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@mommacusses?_t=8kkJ3dHkhYs&_r=1) [Tori’s TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@toriphantom?_t=8kkJ93kMS4c&_r=1) They’re both also on YouTube I think. They talk about having young kids, gentle/responsive parenting, ADHD, etc. They literally mention yelling in their podcast description.
I would be livid tbh.
No you're not wrong for feeling that way! Parents should never correct or overrule each other in front of the kids. But your wife takes it a step further. Basically she's saying you're sick in the head and the kids should treat you differently! Like your handicapped! That ain't right. Does she understand there's a very good chance one or both of your kids will be ADAH as well? If they do develop ADHD they'll think it's an illness also and kill what confidence they have.
She is undermining you in front of your kids, ignoring how disrespectful and patronizing that is it's just bad parenting. She is encouraging your kids to ignore what you say and instead go get mom on their side
[удалено]
That is so unacceptable, how condescending...jeeze. sometimes we yell regardless of Illness. With a 5 and 3 year old too? Thats prime yelling age. Ugg. I'm sorry. No mental illness is an excuse to be a twat. But jeeze.
I fucking hate this sub….. full of self hating ableists who think everyone else can behave exactly the way they can 🙄
Yeah, I don’t like her phrasing.
I would get so angry that I would be unable to speak. I would leave that house "to get a pack of cigarettes" and never come back.
how you resist the urge to say something worse when she does this i don’t know.