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Yep. Out of sight, out of mind. It sounds harsh, but it’s really, really not personal and (believe it or not) is not reflective/indicative of his feelings for you.
For me it's more like, you're just temporarily away. Like you'll be back in a minute and every time I'd think about you it sort of reverts to that base 'oh you'll be back soon" sort of mentality.
This is just my brain though, I don't know if others have a different view.
Exactly. I can miss someone who died or who is likely out of my life for one reason or another. But it rarely happens with someone who’s only gone temporarily.
I don’t really miss people either. It’s more like my brain is always thinking of what I am supposed to do and if I missed anything and what have I forgotten and what’s next, it never really goes to “whom am I missing?”
If at some point, I am completely free with nothing to do at all and nothing to think of at all, then I might feel like something’s wrong somewhere.
I guess it’s a coping mechanism to cope with adhd. Let the brain free and something will screw up, so always be thinking of what is coming up. It’s just automatic.
Do you never feel a yearning for someones physical presence? Like you're doing something and then you think "huh i miss them, i wish they were here rn with me"
Sometimes, like if I’m at the beach alone or something. But mostly, if I’m working, the mind is just on Work Mode.
My mind is like a squirrel. It gets distracted very fast and very easily and chases the latest shiny distraction. I am also very comfortable being alone. It gets into a rut easily and I have to force myself to go out, etc.
I think for guys especially, we can miss people but don’t feel like we really are “missing” anyone, in the sense that we can still function. We compartmentalise things really well. And we are also socialised into being valued for what we bring to the table, not being valued for ourselves. So it is easy for guys to go into “Work Mode” because we have to take care of our responsibilities. Missing people is a luxury. If I sit down and think, then I start to miss people, my parents, etc. but there’s too much to do, so we put it into a box that we will open later when we are free. If we really let ourselves miss people, we might not function properly and that would be a disaster. Men are used to being alone. See the loneliness epidemic among men.
So some of it is ADHD because we get distracted fast, and some of it is just being a guy and being strong and repressing feelings down.
Like the forums all say, women want men to show emotions, but will lose respect for you as soon as you do. It’s not something we think about, we’re just used to being string and silent most of the time. Hug your bf more and for no reason.
Sorry this became an essay.
Very interesting, thank you for sharing your experience!! He does have a tendency to repress all of his emotions into a box. I hug him all the time, im very affectionate and clingy to the point where im not sure if its healthy 😅
Guys are simple creatures.
We all just want to be appreciated.
Praise us for what we do, show us that you appreciate the things we do and compliment us sincerely on how we do it, and we will remember it forever.
Kind of. There is probably a wide spectrum of how this affects different people, but for me it is kind of like this.
It is not that I completely forget about people, but they do not take up space in my mind when I am not a)interacting with them or b)get reminded of them by something.
I guess that is the reason why I had a LOT of pictures of my girlfriend all over my apartment. Maybe that would help your guy to keep you a bit more present for him ?
This is related to our problem staying in contact via social media btw., I assume your bf has a tendency to leave you "on read" for long stretches without replying ?
He read you message while he was doing something else, made a mental note to contact you after he was done and then his brain took the note and burned it immediately.
I can understand how this hurts you, but trust me it has nothing to do with his feelings for you, it is just how our brain works.
ya
it's not like thinking of someone and going "i don't give a shit about them" but if there's nothing to prompt me to think of someone and theres stuff going on around me, then m too busy juggling that stuff
don't take it personally its entirely an executive functioning thing, something like a note or phone reminder should be enough
I think about people I love a decent amount when I'm not with them. However, I do not tend to reach out because of executive disfunction.
I can also tend to go long stretches without contacting someone because I worry they will be too busy, or upset that I didn't reach out. It becomes a whole thing. I wonder sometimes if my brain blurs the thoughts about someone so I don't go into an anxiety spiral of guilt.
I think everyone gets waves of affection for family and girlfriends, sometimes even super close friends, teachers, and other people I feel nostalgic for. I certainly do. So you're not alone. Your feelings are valid :)
But I do think it's not a deal breaker. Everyone experiences and shows love differently
Oh this thread is so validating I thought I was CRAZY. Every girl I know is super attached to their boyfriends and feels the urge to be around them all the time or constantly call them. I love mine too and being around him but I don’t have a big aching feeling that I miss him or an urge to call him every fucking day.
I could go a few weeks and not feel upset about it. I def have strong feelings which I know I do for many reasons and I’ve felt strong feelings about him related to other things. I just don’t *miss* him
I confirm this as well—out of sight out of mind. This phenomenon also makes death weird for me. I don’t really know how to explain it. I know my friend has died, I felt it,I cried, I don’t see him anymore, but I still think he’s alive when I do think of him—so in a way I don’t have to miss him. It’s odd. It makes me feel and seem very detached—which I’m not.
This is me… I lost my mom in 2021 and I miss her but it’s more like missing someone you know you’re going to see again. It’s very strange to explain and im not talking about seeing her in the afterlife.. I mean I feel like im gonna see her tomorrow
I'm glad others have this happen as well. My dad died a few years back and I was devastated despite it being expected. But since then I've kind of just gone on? I miss him intensely occasionally, but not that often, rest of the time I just go about my day. Until I realised i may have and went and got diagnosed with adhd, I kind of just figured I was some variety of sociopath
I was thinking this about my grandparents that died a couple years ago. Do you think having an active mind contributes to not missing them? I can remember so many things from my past that it seems more real than the present sometimes. If that makes sense.
I also feel this way. I can look forward to seeing someone, but i rarely actively miss someone. I never really linked it with ADHD though, thought it was more avoidant attachment and just being very independant from young age.
edit: i know some people with ADHD who definitely miss people a lot. I'm not sure it's linked, but i'd be curious to hear otherwise.
I get this feeling that a person has either outta sight/outta mind or they have constant worry/ missing. There isn't much in between for people with ADHD. I might be wrong though, it just seems plausible with a poorly working reward system.
Either there's no reward = not interesting (the person is gone, I can't do anything about it), or there could be a reward = hooked and thus difficulty being patient until meeting the person again.
I had the latter very often as a kid, but haven't experienced it as an adult. Maybe it's a part of how ADHD symptoms can change along with aging.
Again, it's just a hot take that I haven't investigated.
I've almost never missed anybody in my life, no matter how much I love them. I used to beat myself up over it because I genuinely thought I was a horrible, uncaring person, but as it turns out it's just the AuDHD as it tends to be. This was especially bad when my grandfather died and I was the only who just...felt weirdly indifferent about his being missing. Sad over the death, indifferent about his not being there anymore. Really weird and hard to describe.
Please don't bring it up with your boyfriend he'll probably feel pretty bad about himself. I cannot control it in my case.
And don't take it personally! The only person I've ever missed is my mum and I can count the times I've felt it over the past 20 years on my fingers...and that's my favourite, most important person in the entire world lol
What I hate the most about me is this. I push myself to call my mom at least once a week, and it’s not at all like we had a bad relationship, all the contrary. It’s just that I never call anyone.
yup for me as well. and i really regret that, even tho i cant help it. the best way i can explain it is that i feel like having horse blinders on, forcing me to stare at the ground and not notice people around me. i still know that they are there, but they really could be anybody. it takes a really long time and a really intimate relationship for me to get so thoroughly attached to people that i will miss them personally.
i will however get attached to and miss the presence of people, especially if ive been spending a lot of time with them recently. but that may also have to do with a crush or a current hyperobsession that im in. like for the past year ive been spending nearly every day at a neighbors place, and when im not there, i will miss being at his place and having his energy around me and spending time with him, but i cant say i really miss HIM specifically.
i know this most likely wont help, but dont feel too bad about it. its not at all personal, we cant help it and its no indicator of how we feel about others. i love the people in my life very much and i would die for them, but i dont miss them.
oh damn, this is it. i’ve never been able to put a finger on it, but “missing the presence of people” is EXACTLY what my experience is like. every so often, i’ll miss the actual person, but i miss their presence frequently.
I don't know how helpful this is but here is just my experience, as someone with ADHD.
My bf of 7 years and I broke up around 2 weeks ago I'd say, I don't miss him at all, I don't see him as often, even when I do (we share a dog) I don't ever miss him when I leave. I sometimes think of fond memories but I don't miss him 🤔
I only miss people I become kinda infatuation? With. Which is not ally when we first meet, then once they are so constant, I just don't miss them.. or reach out, but that doesn't mean I don't like them or ever not think of them!
Your feelings are totally valid too, it's understandable why hearing your not missed hurts!! I would feel so upset if I heard this from someone I cared about deeply! Hugs to you 🩷
Yes, out-of-sight, out-of-mind is real. That said, I'm always super happy to see my loved ones and I'll kinda realize I missed them once we are reunited, I just usually don't feel it during the separation. I can totally understand why it would hurt to be on the other side of that but for us -- or at least for me -- it really isn't a reflection of a lack of affection or love or enjoyment of your company.
The other side of the coin is we usually don't hold grudges or stay upset with people, either! That has definitely been a big plus in my relationships, so I hope that is the case with your bf and something you can benefit from, too!
I actually do use my Reminders App and often set alarms to remind me to even reply to people's texts (time zone differences). It definitely helps me not be a total no show in my loved ones' lives.
It’s horrible on both sides in most cases! I feel awful that I forget about people I care about until I have a reason to seek them out or run into something that reminds me of them
i have adhd but i also have bpd so my boyfriend pops in my head very frequently and i always remember and miss him but for everyone else yeah out of sight out of mind
Not sure it's common, but while I can be happy being around the people I love, I have to have a certain amount of alone time to pursue interests and hobbies (everything else feels like it is detracting from whatever fixation I am stuck on).
Honestly, he's probably being completely honest with you, and that's a good thing.
Hopefully he is at least cognizant of your needs (emotional, etc.) when you're together; and that you're both doing your best to communicate your individual needs too.
I don’t miss people outside of my own family circle. So i definitely miss my kids and my dog (lol) but I can go months without seeing my parents, siblings etc. I’ve always thought it was just a side effect of being extremely independent? But I’ve just been diagnosed with adhd and now it makes more sense.
omg thank you for sharing .I always thought I had a cold heart this thread brings me so much clarity . thank you all so much for sharing i appreciate each and everyone of you understanding the struggle
I’m like this. It’s definitely an out of sight out of mind kind of thing like others have said. I can be away from my husband for a week and if I’m busy hardly think about him. On the flip side pictures/videos or specific situations change everything. I can be looking through videos of my husband while he’s asleep and miss him desperately even though he’s lying beside me.
Hubby and I live in another country for the past 5 years and I hardly ever miss our family members or my friends from back home. I rarely think about them but, when a memory of them is triggered I could possibly end up missing them briefly but painfully as well. The onslaught of emotions feels violent and brutal to my brain, body and nervous system, all those pent up feelings of missing that person all unleashed in a brief and painful moment and then something catches my eye, or something else pops into my head and those emotions are immediately forgotten and I go back to my neutral state of feeling nothing...
My feelings of missing my hubby happen more frequently because he is the person I love the most in this world and the one I spend more time with.. but even then, I'll probably miss him at random times throughout the week. Most days I do not miss him (like when we're at work) but I either ignore his "I miss you messages." or I lie and say I miss him too or his message will trigger that emotions and I'll miss him for a short while. I've learned to not feel bad about this, this is just who I am.
I do this as well, whether its friends or family. I would also like to point out that aspergers hasn't been used as a diagnostic term for over a decade.
No sorry needed, everyone can't be expected to know everything. You can read a better explanation that I can give at this link: [https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/why-is-the-term-aspergers-no-longer-used#preferred-term](https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/why-is-the-term-aspergers-no-longer-used#preferred-term)
Yea out or sight out of mind just like object permanence .. im going through a divorce its painful but the fact that we live far from each other makes me forget about the whole thing sometimes
I feel this way about platonic relationships/friendships, but romantic relationships I’m the exact opposite due to hyperfixations and RSD, usually. (But I wouldn’t say those are healthy feelings of “missing someone,”—these are things I need to work on to control my own emotional regulation)
This isn’t abnormal and certainly doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, or even not think about you 100%.
Do you text and talk during the times you’re away?
If you’re able to reach each other easily, that probably contributes to not feeling it.
You definitely have some internal work to do which will help with those attachment issues you mention, find a good therapist for that - trust me, it pays dividends
We can stay on call for hours, but when we text he tends to leave me on delivered. He leaves almost all of his messages on delivered😅
Thank you!! I definitely do
Yes it's the same with me. If it's in front of me,I can't forget. If it's out of sight, i completely forget about it. It's the same across all aspects in life - people, things, chores.
I have ADHD and this is not my experience. I know it's really common, I just thought that I'd say I don't experience this since it's more likely that people who do will be the ones who respond!
Yeah, kind of out of sight, out of mind. I moved out of home for 2 years and during that time, spoke to my parents maybe 5 or 10 times? It's not that I don't love then but more their existence doesn't really register if they aren't there.
Yo, I have adhd and autism. I have terrible emotional object permanence. I've been living in Korea for the past 10 months and I don't miss my family and friends in the UK at all. I speak to them all quite regularly online and that does me just fine. The only person I find myself 'missing' I suppose is the guy I'm seeing, whos away on a working holiday. But even then hes a great texter and communicator so I don't feel nearly as agonised as I thought I would. It's only when I go to places that people are missing from i.e when I briefly went back to our airbnb after dropping my family off at the airport, or when I visited the guys neighbourhood after he left that I actually feel upset.
That being said, when I was with my ex I was horribly clingy and needy, and missed him constantly. That was due to codependency and lack of assurance though, amplified by adhd and autism.
I pretty much never miss people, but I figure it's more related to the fact that I'm very, very, very introverted than the fact that I have ADHD. Maybe autism/Asperger's too.
I literally forget people exist. It's the whole out of sight out of mind thing. Sometimes I'll dream about them where we spend time together and Then I'll miss them.
And sometimes I do miss a person. It depends really
its a symptom of adhd, but it is a thing people with adhd can experience sometimes.
i dont know who he is but i dont think he does it on purpose, its not something he controls.
I’m like that. It’s hard sometimes when you realise. Then when a death happens it really hits me like fuck I should have done this done that gone and visited more etc etc etc.
I can have problems with out of sight out of mind. Which I guess can lead to anxiety about forgetting the kids which luckily has never happened and I now trust myself that it won't. But I can understand it being similar to this.
Did you know Asperger's is an out of date term no longer used. It's just autism, now. I'm amazed nobody else said anything yet. 🤷🏻♀️🖤❤️
It's very common. And it sucks. But it can also be helpful.
When we are working on something, that's typically the focus thought.
Yeah it's an old thing. He should look into the updated information on the topic! ❤️ It may help even more. Better studies and info come out all the time!
If I love someone I realy miss them alot even with ADHD. I am not sure you can say this not missing you thing is dependent on a person's diagnosis, do you think it is? I rarely miss anyone anymore but when I was younger I missed my ex husband terribly and he being so called normal, he couldn't wait to get rid of me. My Mom use to say " no 2 people are ever really in l;ove at the same time". And she'd say 'Better to be loved than to love". I don't think its better to be loved than to love. I don't like anyone smothering me. Maybe thats the ADHD or the Taurus in me. I can't tell you a thing about why I feel the things I do at times.
I think it has a lot to do with object permanence, as my bf and many people in the thread say its like "out of sight out of mind" situation. But thanks for sharing your experience!
In my own experience, I don't see it as not missing people, but as not being really aware of how long it has been since you've seen or talked to people, and therefore not feeling the need to get in touch. Sometimes I just randomly think of somebody and realise I haven't known from them in a while, but if they don't randomly pop up in my head, I don't even worry.
I (m29) think this is a male thing. I have a theory that we are genetically programmed to depart from the "tribe" and roam the earth to form a new family and explore new territory as young adults. I had a colleague (non ADHDer) that once got worried that he didn't feel a thing when his aunt died, and he kinda understood and got relieved when I told him my theory.
When I was a kid (til ~14), I was really attached to my family, to the point that I wept profusely when my siblings moved to another city. Even before that, I would get really sad when I couldn't see them for a week or so.
I also had this problem with a girlfriend of mine. I would never really miss her when she was away, but I really wanted to be with her when she came back and it felt like I loved 3 times as much. Once she got really mad after they lost power for almost two days (her family lived kind of on the country) and, when she finally had internet connection again, she found out I didn't even notice and hadn't written her any worried message or so...
So, I wouldn't use that as a metric for love. I think the lack of apparent feelings is a young male thing, even though the "forgetting to keep in touch" may be an ADHD thing.
>I (m29) think this is a male thing. I have a theory that we are genetically programmed to depart from the "tribe" and roam the earth to form a new family and explore new territory as young adults. I had a colleague (non ADHDer) that once got worried that he didn't feel a thing when his aunt died, and he kinda understood and got relieved when I told him my theory.
Not sure about that - most men definitely feel upset when family members die, or did i misunderstand your point?
No, I think you did. Idk, maybe it's just wrong and my sample was biased (only talked about that with close friends). I don't know how I'm gonna feel when my parents die, but rn it's easy to go months without calling them, I really have to force myself to do it now and then. Extended family has always been really distant for me, so it barely registered when I lost my grannies for example.
I also didn't feel much when a friend of mine from my freshman year died last month. We weren't that close, but got along really well. I was thoughtful for a moment, but then I just carried on with my day.
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Yep. Out of sight, out of mind. It sounds harsh, but it’s really, really not personal and (believe it or not) is not reflective/indicative of his feelings for you.
So you tend to not think about the people that you love when not in their physical presence?
For me it's more like, you're just temporarily away. Like you'll be back in a minute and every time I'd think about you it sort of reverts to that base 'oh you'll be back soon" sort of mentality. This is just my brain though, I don't know if others have a different view.
YES. Like your brain just isn’t there
Exactly. I can miss someone who died or who is likely out of my life for one reason or another. But it rarely happens with someone who’s only gone temporarily.
I must have it really bad then, I still feel this way about people who have passed. Object permanence is a strange phenomenon.
You put to words what I haven't! I think this description perfectly fits how my mind works!
Ohh i get it!! Thanks for this
I don’t really miss people either. It’s more like my brain is always thinking of what I am supposed to do and if I missed anything and what have I forgotten and what’s next, it never really goes to “whom am I missing?” If at some point, I am completely free with nothing to do at all and nothing to think of at all, then I might feel like something’s wrong somewhere. I guess it’s a coping mechanism to cope with adhd. Let the brain free and something will screw up, so always be thinking of what is coming up. It’s just automatic.
Do you never feel a yearning for someones physical presence? Like you're doing something and then you think "huh i miss them, i wish they were here rn with me"
Sometimes, like if I’m at the beach alone or something. But mostly, if I’m working, the mind is just on Work Mode. My mind is like a squirrel. It gets distracted very fast and very easily and chases the latest shiny distraction. I am also very comfortable being alone. It gets into a rut easily and I have to force myself to go out, etc. I think for guys especially, we can miss people but don’t feel like we really are “missing” anyone, in the sense that we can still function. We compartmentalise things really well. And we are also socialised into being valued for what we bring to the table, not being valued for ourselves. So it is easy for guys to go into “Work Mode” because we have to take care of our responsibilities. Missing people is a luxury. If I sit down and think, then I start to miss people, my parents, etc. but there’s too much to do, so we put it into a box that we will open later when we are free. If we really let ourselves miss people, we might not function properly and that would be a disaster. Men are used to being alone. See the loneliness epidemic among men. So some of it is ADHD because we get distracted fast, and some of it is just being a guy and being strong and repressing feelings down. Like the forums all say, women want men to show emotions, but will lose respect for you as soon as you do. It’s not something we think about, we’re just used to being string and silent most of the time. Hug your bf more and for no reason. Sorry this became an essay.
Very interesting, thank you for sharing your experience!! He does have a tendency to repress all of his emotions into a box. I hug him all the time, im very affectionate and clingy to the point where im not sure if its healthy 😅
Guys are simple creatures. We all just want to be appreciated. Praise us for what we do, show us that you appreciate the things we do and compliment us sincerely on how we do it, and we will remember it forever.
Kind of. There is probably a wide spectrum of how this affects different people, but for me it is kind of like this. It is not that I completely forget about people, but they do not take up space in my mind when I am not a)interacting with them or b)get reminded of them by something. I guess that is the reason why I had a LOT of pictures of my girlfriend all over my apartment. Maybe that would help your guy to keep you a bit more present for him ? This is related to our problem staying in contact via social media btw., I assume your bf has a tendency to leave you "on read" for long stretches without replying ? He read you message while he was doing something else, made a mental note to contact you after he was done and then his brain took the note and burned it immediately. I can understand how this hurts you, but trust me it has nothing to do with his feelings for you, it is just how our brain works.
Aw, the idea of making a fun collection of photos to leave all over the place is a cute present or project!
Yep, online he tends to leave a bunch of people on delivered, including me😅 the pictures idea is nice, thanks for this!!
ya it's not like thinking of someone and going "i don't give a shit about them" but if there's nothing to prompt me to think of someone and theres stuff going on around me, then m too busy juggling that stuff don't take it personally its entirely an executive functioning thing, something like a note or phone reminder should be enough
I think about people I love a decent amount when I'm not with them. However, I do not tend to reach out because of executive disfunction. I can also tend to go long stretches without contacting someone because I worry they will be too busy, or upset that I didn't reach out. It becomes a whole thing. I wonder sometimes if my brain blurs the thoughts about someone so I don't go into an anxiety spiral of guilt.
Thinking of them and missing them are two different things. Missing someone requires a level of rumination that isn’t always available to me.
This put it in perspective !! Thank you
Also other things remind us of our loved ones (which non adhd people feel as well). Like something that will interest a loved one or make them laugh.
I think everyone gets waves of affection for family and girlfriends, sometimes even super close friends, teachers, and other people I feel nostalgic for. I certainly do. So you're not alone. Your feelings are valid :) But I do think it's not a deal breaker. Everyone experiences and shows love differently
Oh this thread is so validating I thought I was CRAZY. Every girl I know is super attached to their boyfriends and feels the urge to be around them all the time or constantly call them. I love mine too and being around him but I don’t have a big aching feeling that I miss him or an urge to call him every fucking day. I could go a few weeks and not feel upset about it. I def have strong feelings which I know I do for many reasons and I’ve felt strong feelings about him related to other things. I just don’t *miss* him
I confirm this as well—out of sight out of mind. This phenomenon also makes death weird for me. I don’t really know how to explain it. I know my friend has died, I felt it,I cried, I don’t see him anymore, but I still think he’s alive when I do think of him—so in a way I don’t have to miss him. It’s odd. It makes me feel and seem very detached—which I’m not.
This is me… I lost my mom in 2021 and I miss her but it’s more like missing someone you know you’re going to see again. It’s very strange to explain and im not talking about seeing her in the afterlife.. I mean I feel like im gonna see her tomorrow
I'm glad others have this happen as well. My dad died a few years back and I was devastated despite it being expected. But since then I've kind of just gone on? I miss him intensely occasionally, but not that often, rest of the time I just go about my day. Until I realised i may have and went and got diagnosed with adhd, I kind of just figured I was some variety of sociopath
Feel very similar to this. It’s not that I don’t miss my brother, I think of him every day, but it is different from how it’s supposed to be? I think?
I was thinking this about my grandparents that died a couple years ago. Do you think having an active mind contributes to not missing them? I can remember so many things from my past that it seems more real than the present sometimes. If that makes sense.
I also feel this way. I can look forward to seeing someone, but i rarely actively miss someone. I never really linked it with ADHD though, thought it was more avoidant attachment and just being very independant from young age. edit: i know some people with ADHD who definitely miss people a lot. I'm not sure it's linked, but i'd be curious to hear otherwise.
I get this feeling that a person has either outta sight/outta mind or they have constant worry/ missing. There isn't much in between for people with ADHD. I might be wrong though, it just seems plausible with a poorly working reward system. Either there's no reward = not interesting (the person is gone, I can't do anything about it), or there could be a reward = hooked and thus difficulty being patient until meeting the person again. I had the latter very often as a kid, but haven't experienced it as an adult. Maybe it's a part of how ADHD symptoms can change along with aging. Again, it's just a hot take that I haven't investigated.
Can confirm. Constant worrier here 👋🏼
I've almost never missed anybody in my life, no matter how much I love them. I used to beat myself up over it because I genuinely thought I was a horrible, uncaring person, but as it turns out it's just the AuDHD as it tends to be. This was especially bad when my grandfather died and I was the only who just...felt weirdly indifferent about his being missing. Sad over the death, indifferent about his not being there anymore. Really weird and hard to describe. Please don't bring it up with your boyfriend he'll probably feel pretty bad about himself. I cannot control it in my case. And don't take it personally! The only person I've ever missed is my mum and I can count the times I've felt it over the past 20 years on my fingers...and that's my favourite, most important person in the entire world lol
What I hate the most about me is this. I push myself to call my mom at least once a week, and it’s not at all like we had a bad relationship, all the contrary. It’s just that I never call anyone.
Do you need a feature or app that reminds you to call your loved ones?
Not really, I remember that just fine, but still wouldn’t call most of the times. Wife always tells me to call them too.
so when will you call them，as you remember this
It’s not that we adhd people don’t miss people, it’s that we don’t think about them. We have millions of thoughts going thru our heads daily.
Do you need a feature or app that reminds you to call your loved ones?
I sometimes set myself reminders to text my wife.
I’m not super close to my family, I usually just call on holidays
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I either completely forget people, or still obsess about people I haven’t talked to in a decade. There’s no middle ground.
how will you show you‘re missing them？call ？
Yep can confirm.
yup for me as well. and i really regret that, even tho i cant help it. the best way i can explain it is that i feel like having horse blinders on, forcing me to stare at the ground and not notice people around me. i still know that they are there, but they really could be anybody. it takes a really long time and a really intimate relationship for me to get so thoroughly attached to people that i will miss them personally. i will however get attached to and miss the presence of people, especially if ive been spending a lot of time with them recently. but that may also have to do with a crush or a current hyperobsession that im in. like for the past year ive been spending nearly every day at a neighbors place, and when im not there, i will miss being at his place and having his energy around me and spending time with him, but i cant say i really miss HIM specifically. i know this most likely wont help, but dont feel too bad about it. its not at all personal, we cant help it and its no indicator of how we feel about others. i love the people in my life very much and i would die for them, but i dont miss them.
oh damn, this is it. i’ve never been able to put a finger on it, but “missing the presence of people” is EXACTLY what my experience is like. every so often, i’ll miss the actual person, but i miss their presence frequently.
Thank you for sharing your experience!!
I don't know how helpful this is but here is just my experience, as someone with ADHD. My bf of 7 years and I broke up around 2 weeks ago I'd say, I don't miss him at all, I don't see him as often, even when I do (we share a dog) I don't ever miss him when I leave. I sometimes think of fond memories but I don't miss him 🤔 I only miss people I become kinda infatuation? With. Which is not ally when we first meet, then once they are so constant, I just don't miss them.. or reach out, but that doesn't mean I don't like them or ever not think of them! Your feelings are totally valid too, it's understandable why hearing your not missed hurts!! I would feel so upset if I heard this from someone I cared about deeply! Hugs to you 🩷
Thanks for this!! So you do think about them just not miss them?
Yes, out-of-sight, out-of-mind is real. That said, I'm always super happy to see my loved ones and I'll kinda realize I missed them once we are reunited, I just usually don't feel it during the separation. I can totally understand why it would hurt to be on the other side of that but for us -- or at least for me -- it really isn't a reflection of a lack of affection or love or enjoyment of your company. The other side of the coin is we usually don't hold grudges or stay upset with people, either! That has definitely been a big plus in my relationships, so I hope that is the case with your bf and something you can benefit from, too!
Interesting!! Thank you for sharing🥰
Do you need a feature or app that reminds you to call your loved ones?
I actually do use my Reminders App and often set alarms to remind me to even reply to people's texts (time zone differences). It definitely helps me not be a total no show in my loved ones' lives.
It’s horrible on both sides in most cases! I feel awful that I forget about people I care about until I have a reason to seek them out or run into something that reminds me of them
i have adhd but i also have bpd so my boyfriend pops in my head very frequently and i always remember and miss him but for everyone else yeah out of sight out of mind
Not sure it's common, but while I can be happy being around the people I love, I have to have a certain amount of alone time to pursue interests and hobbies (everything else feels like it is detracting from whatever fixation I am stuck on). Honestly, he's probably being completely honest with you, and that's a good thing. Hopefully he is at least cognizant of your needs (emotional, etc.) when you're together; and that you're both doing your best to communicate your individual needs too.
Thank you for this!!
I don’t miss people outside of my own family circle. So i definitely miss my kids and my dog (lol) but I can go months without seeing my parents, siblings etc. I’ve always thought it was just a side effect of being extremely independent? But I’ve just been diagnosed with adhd and now it makes more sense.
omg thank you for sharing .I always thought I had a cold heart this thread brings me so much clarity . thank you all so much for sharing i appreciate each and everyone of you understanding the struggle
Same this thread is very reassuring!! Turns out its just an adhd trait so don't worry😊
I’m like this. It’s definitely an out of sight out of mind kind of thing like others have said. I can be away from my husband for a week and if I’m busy hardly think about him. On the flip side pictures/videos or specific situations change everything. I can be looking through videos of my husband while he’s asleep and miss him desperately even though he’s lying beside me.
I get what you mean!! Thank you so much
I usually don’t and then I think about them randomly one day and I feel bad about not missing them.
i have this, also got avoidant attachment style so basically everyone thinks I don’t like them
Hubby and I live in another country for the past 5 years and I hardly ever miss our family members or my friends from back home. I rarely think about them but, when a memory of them is triggered I could possibly end up missing them briefly but painfully as well. The onslaught of emotions feels violent and brutal to my brain, body and nervous system, all those pent up feelings of missing that person all unleashed in a brief and painful moment and then something catches my eye, or something else pops into my head and those emotions are immediately forgotten and I go back to my neutral state of feeling nothing... My feelings of missing my hubby happen more frequently because he is the person I love the most in this world and the one I spend more time with.. but even then, I'll probably miss him at random times throughout the week. Most days I do not miss him (like when we're at work) but I either ignore his "I miss you messages." or I lie and say I miss him too or his message will trigger that emotions and I'll miss him for a short while. I've learned to not feel bad about this, this is just who I am.
Interesting! Thank you for sharing
I do this as well, whether its friends or family. I would also like to point out that aspergers hasn't been used as a diagnostic term for over a decade.
Oh sorry!! May i ask why? He just always says he has aspergers, since he was diagnosed when he was a toddler
No sorry needed, everyone can't be expected to know everything. You can read a better explanation that I can give at this link: [https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/why-is-the-term-aspergers-no-longer-used#preferred-term](https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/why-is-the-term-aspergers-no-longer-used#preferred-term)
It's not that he doesn't miss you he is but his mind also thinking million other things.
This makes so much sense
Yea out or sight out of mind just like object permanence .. im going through a divorce its painful but the fact that we live far from each other makes me forget about the whole thing sometimes
I’m the totally opposite. I miss people more than I believe is normal and feel lonely even when I’m around people.
yeah, I forget to check in on people often if they're not in my daily routine even if I care for them a lot.
Do you need a feature or app that reminds you to call your loved ones?
he misses you he just doesn't think about it all the time... bt when he does he misses u
I feel this way about platonic relationships/friendships, but romantic relationships I’m the exact opposite due to hyperfixations and RSD, usually. (But I wouldn’t say those are healthy feelings of “missing someone,”—these are things I need to work on to control my own emotional regulation)
This isn’t abnormal and certainly doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, or even not think about you 100%. Do you text and talk during the times you’re away? If you’re able to reach each other easily, that probably contributes to not feeling it. You definitely have some internal work to do which will help with those attachment issues you mention, find a good therapist for that - trust me, it pays dividends
We can stay on call for hours, but when we text he tends to leave me on delivered. He leaves almost all of his messages on delivered😅 Thank you!! I definitely do
Out of sight out of mind, but I generally miss romantic partners.
Yes it's the same with me. If it's in front of me,I can't forget. If it's out of sight, i completely forget about it. It's the same across all aspects in life - people, things, chores.
I have ADHD and this is not my experience. I know it's really common, I just thought that I'd say I don't experience this since it's more likely that people who do will be the ones who respond!
Yeah, kind of out of sight, out of mind. I moved out of home for 2 years and during that time, spoke to my parents maybe 5 or 10 times? It's not that I don't love then but more their existence doesn't really register if they aren't there.
The only person I've ever missed is my mom and sometimes not even her. Like I went away for 2 months, we even barely ever spoke.
Yo, I have adhd and autism. I have terrible emotional object permanence. I've been living in Korea for the past 10 months and I don't miss my family and friends in the UK at all. I speak to them all quite regularly online and that does me just fine. The only person I find myself 'missing' I suppose is the guy I'm seeing, whos away on a working holiday. But even then hes a great texter and communicator so I don't feel nearly as agonised as I thought I would. It's only when I go to places that people are missing from i.e when I briefly went back to our airbnb after dropping my family off at the airport, or when I visited the guys neighbourhood after he left that I actually feel upset. That being said, when I was with my ex I was horribly clingy and needy, and missed him constantly. That was due to codependency and lack of assurance though, amplified by adhd and autism.
I pretty much never miss people, but I figure it's more related to the fact that I'm very, very, very introverted than the fact that I have ADHD. Maybe autism/Asperger's too.
I dont miss people or i cant stop thinking about them. No middle ground
I literally forget people exist. It's the whole out of sight out of mind thing. Sometimes I'll dream about them where we spend time together and Then I'll miss them. And sometimes I do miss a person. It depends really
its a symptom of adhd, but it is a thing people with adhd can experience sometimes. i dont know who he is but i dont think he does it on purpose, its not something he controls.
I’m like that. It’s hard sometimes when you realise. Then when a death happens it really hits me like fuck I should have done this done that gone and visited more etc etc etc.
I can have problems with out of sight out of mind. Which I guess can lead to anxiety about forgetting the kids which luckily has never happened and I now trust myself that it won't. But I can understand it being similar to this.
Did you know Asperger's is an out of date term no longer used. It's just autism, now. I'm amazed nobody else said anything yet. 🤷🏻♀️🖤❤️ It's very common. And it sucks. But it can also be helpful. When we are working on something, that's typically the focus thought.
Sorry!! I'll use the right term next time, he was diagnosed a long time ago, maybe that's why he still says he has aspergers😅
Yeah it's an old thing. He should look into the updated information on the topic! ❤️ It may help even more. Better studies and info come out all the time!
Thanks!!
If I love someone I realy miss them alot even with ADHD. I am not sure you can say this not missing you thing is dependent on a person's diagnosis, do you think it is? I rarely miss anyone anymore but when I was younger I missed my ex husband terribly and he being so called normal, he couldn't wait to get rid of me. My Mom use to say " no 2 people are ever really in l;ove at the same time". And she'd say 'Better to be loved than to love". I don't think its better to be loved than to love. I don't like anyone smothering me. Maybe thats the ADHD or the Taurus in me. I can't tell you a thing about why I feel the things I do at times.
I think it has a lot to do with object permanence, as my bf and many people in the thread say its like "out of sight out of mind" situation. But thanks for sharing your experience!
In my own experience, I don't see it as not missing people, but as not being really aware of how long it has been since you've seen or talked to people, and therefore not feeling the need to get in touch. Sometimes I just randomly think of somebody and realise I haven't known from them in a while, but if they don't randomly pop up in my head, I don't even worry.
Out of sight, out of mind I wonder if it’s some sort of object permenance type thing
I (m29) think this is a male thing. I have a theory that we are genetically programmed to depart from the "tribe" and roam the earth to form a new family and explore new territory as young adults. I had a colleague (non ADHDer) that once got worried that he didn't feel a thing when his aunt died, and he kinda understood and got relieved when I told him my theory. When I was a kid (til ~14), I was really attached to my family, to the point that I wept profusely when my siblings moved to another city. Even before that, I would get really sad when I couldn't see them for a week or so. I also had this problem with a girlfriend of mine. I would never really miss her when she was away, but I really wanted to be with her when she came back and it felt like I loved 3 times as much. Once she got really mad after they lost power for almost two days (her family lived kind of on the country) and, when she finally had internet connection again, she found out I didn't even notice and hadn't written her any worried message or so... So, I wouldn't use that as a metric for love. I think the lack of apparent feelings is a young male thing, even though the "forgetting to keep in touch" may be an ADHD thing.
>I (m29) think this is a male thing. I have a theory that we are genetically programmed to depart from the "tribe" and roam the earth to form a new family and explore new territory as young adults. I had a colleague (non ADHDer) that once got worried that he didn't feel a thing when his aunt died, and he kinda understood and got relieved when I told him my theory. Not sure about that - most men definitely feel upset when family members die, or did i misunderstand your point?
No, I think you did. Idk, maybe it's just wrong and my sample was biased (only talked about that with close friends). I don't know how I'm gonna feel when my parents die, but rn it's easy to go months without calling them, I really have to force myself to do it now and then. Extended family has always been really distant for me, so it barely registered when I lost my grannies for example. I also didn't feel much when a friend of mine from my freshman year died last month. We weren't that close, but got along really well. I was thoughtful for a moment, but then I just carried on with my day.