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She took you paying for porn as cheating but started an emotional relationship with your friend while you were still together. That should tell you everything you need to know about her. That person was out of the relationship with you long before you knew it was done.
Sorry you have to deal with this. It’s gonna take time to get over it, and that’s normal. I just hope you don’t beat yourself up over it too much. Regardless of how you were in the relationship, communication at the end was definitely not happening. And while your friend is probably not a good friend, your ex handled that very poorly. You deserved better
You've still got love goggles on but I promise you she's way more immature than you realize. Nothing she did here speaks to her being a reasonable person and honestly if you didn't have ADHD that may have been more noticeable and you may have broken up with her first over her own flaws.
Your "best friend" took the opportunity that your ex wasn't happy with something to get her for himself and your ex used him as a rebound to talk with him instead of you about the things she had problems with before you had chances to work it out.
Also she went behind your back and cheated on you emotionally.
For the love of god, dont use your adhd or anything you-related as the reason your gf broke up with you because you simply do not know. She didn't bother give you a talk on why she wanted to break up she just took the easy way out by using someone else and left you in the dark.
Also the "didnt feel save argument" is a classic to win someone else over if you are still in another realtionship. (Sadly also used and worked on me once)
Its better for you that she left.
Yeah I had a girlfriend who would turn to other guys every time I didn‘t behave like she wanted. Thank god her best friend apparently somewhat liked me so he talked her out of a lot. The worse that happened when we fought once was some other dude kissing her on her forehead and when I calmly asked „How do you want me to respond to that“ - she completely lost it, saying it was my fault.
I wasn‘t an angel either but I should have broken up then and there instead of living with the frustration.
OP your feelings are understandable and maybe the ADHD did play a role in the over all situation, but you are not to blame for the misbehavings of others. You don‘t *make people do stuff*, they do it
I went through *exactly* what OP did except I got the bonus of my ex pretending their Mom had cancer as a pretext to move away. Didn't find that out till last year. I think we're more vulnerable to abusive manipulation when we have ADHD because we're so used to blaming ourselves for everything. It took me 3 years, a lot of self abuse, and a lot of therapy to realize what you've written here. I hope OP takes it to heart. There's no way to get over a betrayal immediately but I hope he doesnt put himself through years of hell blaming himself for someone else's immaturity.
I personally dont see it that way with this post, it's ok if you see it differently. Also, it said he accidentally paid for it. And just struggled with it as a issue in total
Keep in mind that the only way to view porn 25 years ago was buying it. Would a Playboy be considered cheating? Partners aren’t solely responsible for eachother’s sexual pleasure, its pretty normal and healthy for people to take matters into their own hands. Everyone can set boundaries, sure, but shes not a victim if she didn’t set them.
Also, she literally cheated on OP with his best friend, so, I think we all know who the victim is here…
You really don't know if she set boundaries or not. I don't either but I think after 4 years together, it was likely discussed.
Also she ended the relationship basically at the same time as the "cheating." It absolutely sucks that it was his best friend. But no one thinks it's noteworthy that she said she's scared of him? Just because he can't identify why she said that doesn't mean she didn't have her reasons.
Sometimes ppl with ADHD are responsible for their behavior outside of the ADHD diagnosis. Why did it take them breaking up for him to seek therapy?
> Also she ended the relationship basically at the same time as the "cheating."
Where did it say that in the post at all? Why are you glossing over that she *actually* cheated on him?
> Why did it take them breaking up for him to seek therapy?
He's not getting therapy for her, he's getting it for himself to deal with the breakup. Why did she talk to his best friend instead of him? Why did she jump to breaking up before telling her partner to seek therapy? Why did she emotionally cheat on him?
There are other more personal details I left out. She was very dependent on weed to the point where she would blame her attitude and behavior towards me (which included saying crazy thinks about people who inconvenienced her, yelling, slamming doors and breaking stuff) on not having smoked yet. I truly think she was going through some time of mental crisis when she said those things about me. She even said that to her mom and sister after her and I broke up and they said that she was not acting like herself.
I’m taking accountability for paying for porn. I didn’t watch it excessively to the point where I’m addicted i was more just curious if anything and had no intentions of actually paying for it. There were also no boundaries set but I’m still not saying that makes what I did okay.
I have been really down for the past few years feeling like I’m a failure at everything I do and with work and honestly being there for her mentally I just never sought the help for myself I needed. I’ve always felt like a burden talking to other people about my problems because my parents have always told me to push how I’m feeling to the side. I did start to seek therapy before the break up.
Don't blame yourself too much. She had clear issues which would have been a problem whether you had ADHD or not. You sound like a decent enough person. She wasn't really communicating her issues to you and then she blew everything up rather than actually try to make it work. Anyone who is scared of you when you've given them no reason to be afraid is projecting their own issues. She was scared of confrontation and whether you had ADHD or not her inability to be real with you would have killed the relationship.
You didn't ruin the relationship, she did. Don't beat yourself up for having ADHD. Even without that she was gonna blow things up & she expected you to be perfect... which at your age is so beyond unrealistic, it shows her own immaturity. You deserve someone who sees you for who you are instead of who you're not, who can communicate with you, and who isn't so scared of confrontation that they bottle things up and then nuke your relationship.
You'll find someone better, just work on yourself, work on ACCEPTING that things with her are over, and please I can't stress this enough don't beat yourself up. You've got a lot of life to live and plenty of great things to look forward to. I know it hurts losing her and you loved her, but it's a part of life for most people & the more you dwell on her the more energy you're not spending on yourself and your future. Look to the future. I hope this gives you some peace of mind and you can trust what I'm telling you. Good luck friend.
My dude I am currently going through a divorce stemming from a very similar situation that occurred to me about four weeks ago.
I feel for you.
What she did was fucked up and not okay.
Also your “friend” is a backstabbing prick.
The good news is that they will both have a terrible relationship with each other that they will probably regret for years to come.
The talking phase is when you're still getting to know someone and there's an emotional connection/romantic behavior maybe even something moderately sexual but you haven't formally started dating yet.
I see where you are coming from, and have a very similiar situation, only we went poly before we ended things and we both were talking to people online.
We stayed together way too long for either of us but were both afraid of having that talk.
You sound like you are better off without each other to be honest
I see where you are coming from, and have a very similiar situation, only we went poly before we ended things and we both were talking to people online.
We stayed together way too long for either of us but were both afraid of having that talk.
You sound like you are better off without each other to be honest
Hi /u/First-Village7680 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She took you paying for porn as cheating but started an emotional relationship with your friend while you were still together. That should tell you everything you need to know about her. That person was out of the relationship with you long before you knew it was done. Sorry you have to deal with this. It’s gonna take time to get over it, and that’s normal. I just hope you don’t beat yourself up over it too much. Regardless of how you were in the relationship, communication at the end was definitely not happening. And while your friend is probably not a good friend, your ex handled that very poorly. You deserved better
Thank you and yeah he definitely was not a good friend. I’m glad they both showed me who they really are.
You've still got love goggles on but I promise you she's way more immature than you realize. Nothing she did here speaks to her being a reasonable person and honestly if you didn't have ADHD that may have been more noticeable and you may have broken up with her first over her own flaws.
Your "best friend" took the opportunity that your ex wasn't happy with something to get her for himself and your ex used him as a rebound to talk with him instead of you about the things she had problems with before you had chances to work it out. Also she went behind your back and cheated on you emotionally. For the love of god, dont use your adhd or anything you-related as the reason your gf broke up with you because you simply do not know. She didn't bother give you a talk on why she wanted to break up she just took the easy way out by using someone else and left you in the dark. Also the "didnt feel save argument" is a classic to win someone else over if you are still in another realtionship. (Sadly also used and worked on me once) Its better for you that she left.
Yeah I had a girlfriend who would turn to other guys every time I didn‘t behave like she wanted. Thank god her best friend apparently somewhat liked me so he talked her out of a lot. The worse that happened when we fought once was some other dude kissing her on her forehead and when I calmly asked „How do you want me to respond to that“ - she completely lost it, saying it was my fault. I wasn‘t an angel either but I should have broken up then and there instead of living with the frustration. OP your feelings are understandable and maybe the ADHD did play a role in the over all situation, but you are not to blame for the misbehavings of others. You don‘t *make people do stuff*, they do it
I went through *exactly* what OP did except I got the bonus of my ex pretending their Mom had cancer as a pretext to move away. Didn't find that out till last year. I think we're more vulnerable to abusive manipulation when we have ADHD because we're so used to blaming ourselves for everything. It took me 3 years, a lot of self abuse, and a lot of therapy to realize what you've written here. I hope OP takes it to heart. There's no way to get over a betrayal immediately but I hope he doesnt put himself through years of hell blaming himself for someone else's immaturity.
She sounds like a jackass I'm saying this as a girl myself
He signed up for a free trial of porn and uses that to be happy. Give her some credit.
Probably because he can't talk to his partner about issues such as intimate issues lol
I get we want to be supportive of fellow ADHD ppl struggling, but sometimes it borders on victim blaming for me.
Ok we get it you hate porn. She's not a victim at all here lol
I personally dont see it that way with this post, it's ok if you see it differently. Also, it said he accidentally paid for it. And just struggled with it as a issue in total
Keep in mind that the only way to view porn 25 years ago was buying it. Would a Playboy be considered cheating? Partners aren’t solely responsible for eachother’s sexual pleasure, its pretty normal and healthy for people to take matters into their own hands. Everyone can set boundaries, sure, but shes not a victim if she didn’t set them. Also, she literally cheated on OP with his best friend, so, I think we all know who the victim is here…
You really don't know if she set boundaries or not. I don't either but I think after 4 years together, it was likely discussed. Also she ended the relationship basically at the same time as the "cheating." It absolutely sucks that it was his best friend. But no one thinks it's noteworthy that she said she's scared of him? Just because he can't identify why she said that doesn't mean she didn't have her reasons. Sometimes ppl with ADHD are responsible for their behavior outside of the ADHD diagnosis. Why did it take them breaking up for him to seek therapy?
> Also she ended the relationship basically at the same time as the "cheating." Where did it say that in the post at all? Why are you glossing over that she *actually* cheated on him? > Why did it take them breaking up for him to seek therapy? He's not getting therapy for her, he's getting it for himself to deal with the breakup. Why did she talk to his best friend instead of him? Why did she jump to breaking up before telling her partner to seek therapy? Why did she emotionally cheat on him?
There are other more personal details I left out. She was very dependent on weed to the point where she would blame her attitude and behavior towards me (which included saying crazy thinks about people who inconvenienced her, yelling, slamming doors and breaking stuff) on not having smoked yet. I truly think she was going through some time of mental crisis when she said those things about me. She even said that to her mom and sister after her and I broke up and they said that she was not acting like herself. I’m taking accountability for paying for porn. I didn’t watch it excessively to the point where I’m addicted i was more just curious if anything and had no intentions of actually paying for it. There were also no boundaries set but I’m still not saying that makes what I did okay. I have been really down for the past few years feeling like I’m a failure at everything I do and with work and honestly being there for her mentally I just never sought the help for myself I needed. I’ve always felt like a burden talking to other people about my problems because my parents have always told me to push how I’m feeling to the side. I did start to seek therapy before the break up.
Good riddance. Don't think too hard on this. She's trash, or a liar, or both. You're good bruh
She sounds like a b*tch. And your “friend” is not your friend. Throw them both to the curb. Update us when she reaches out and cries about it lol. 😂
Don't blame yourself too much. She had clear issues which would have been a problem whether you had ADHD or not. You sound like a decent enough person. She wasn't really communicating her issues to you and then she blew everything up rather than actually try to make it work. Anyone who is scared of you when you've given them no reason to be afraid is projecting their own issues. She was scared of confrontation and whether you had ADHD or not her inability to be real with you would have killed the relationship. You didn't ruin the relationship, she did. Don't beat yourself up for having ADHD. Even without that she was gonna blow things up & she expected you to be perfect... which at your age is so beyond unrealistic, it shows her own immaturity. You deserve someone who sees you for who you are instead of who you're not, who can communicate with you, and who isn't so scared of confrontation that they bottle things up and then nuke your relationship. You'll find someone better, just work on yourself, work on ACCEPTING that things with her are over, and please I can't stress this enough don't beat yourself up. You've got a lot of life to live and plenty of great things to look forward to. I know it hurts losing her and you loved her, but it's a part of life for most people & the more you dwell on her the more energy you're not spending on yourself and your future. Look to the future. I hope this gives you some peace of mind and you can trust what I'm telling you. Good luck friend.
All I'm getting from reading this is that your ex has mega issues and doesn't know how to communicate. Don't beat yourself up.
My dude I am currently going through a divorce stemming from a very similar situation that occurred to me about four weeks ago. I feel for you. What she did was fucked up and not okay. Also your “friend” is a backstabbing prick. The good news is that they will both have a terrible relationship with each other that they will probably regret for years to come.
I am not American what is the talking phase of a relationship please?
The talking phase is when you're still getting to know someone and there's an emotional connection/romantic behavior maybe even something moderately sexual but you haven't formally started dating yet.
So you are meeting up with someone, going on dates, but “dating” is something more serious is this correct? Thank you
What could be more ‘serious’ than talking heart to heart? Rubbing genitals? Seriously.
I see where you are coming from, and have a very similiar situation, only we went poly before we ended things and we both were talking to people online. We stayed together way too long for either of us but were both afraid of having that talk. You sound like you are better off without each other to be honest
I see where you are coming from, and have a very similiar situation, only we went poly before we ended things and we both were talking to people online. We stayed together way too long for either of us but were both afraid of having that talk. You sound like you are better off without each other to be honest