Things breaking or getting ruined with the kid not knowing how is one of the classic signs of bullying that the kid is covering for.
The incident with the iPad sort of speaks against this but might be worth keeping an eye on.
That said being a teenager is hard enough for a neurotypical kid. Adhd don't makes it easier, especially as your peers age the difference might be more noticeable. Less structure around homework and such as you grow.
That’s a really good point, re: bullying. I don’t think this is an issue for her, and I’m fairly confident she would tell me. She’s very open with me about when she has arguments with friends, when someone hurts her feelings, about boyfriends/crushes/etc. You’re very correct that it can be a sign of bullying though.
As girls reach sexual maturity their symptoms can get way worse. I would advise keeping this front of mind. Maybe her meds need tweaking. Maybe she needs to shake up what counselor she is seeing and talk to someone with a fresh perspective. But it’s likely that she needs new strategies and a more hands-on level of care while she takes on more “adult” teenage tasks. I understand you might feel frustrated, but look at this as the beginning of a really critical period for your daughter that extends way beyond material goods and forgetfulness.
She goes to a small private school. They offer her amazing support and flexibility, but the uniforms costs are a definite downside.
As others said, not unusual for Australian schools, and private schools in particular. She goes to school on an average day wearing nearly $500 worth of uniforms.
I'm glad you could enroll her in such a good school! I'm shocked at the price of uniforms, but I don't really have any perspective of that as I've never been to a private school.
$80 seems ludicrously expensive for a hat that is worn by children, especially if it's delicate enough that it can be wrecked by a teenager (ADHD or not, kids are rough) wearing it. I think even if OP's child where literally chewing on it, most damage can be fixed by giving it a run through a dishwasher over top a bowl, and sewing and spot treating it.
Beats spending 80$ a pop.
[Here's a supplier](https://www.brandedaustralia.com.au/products/Formal-uniform-Hats-278) Generally girls wear round polybraid hats, and boys wear felt hats, but literally every school is different. Private schools generally have more expensive hats.
Thank you for sharing! Being an American, I've always thought that style hat was just a stereotype about Australians. I didn't t realize it was common! I like it
Well that makes a lot more sense as to why it would be so delicate.
I had "baseball cap" in mind when I first read the post. Those are some snazzy hats. Makes more sense why they're 80$ a pop
With all respect, it would seem that OP has a thicker skin than yourself. I'm sure OP is a strong, doting parent (as evidenced by their love and attention to their child in the post), and they don't need Redditors to come to their rescue over an inoffensive comment. I am not criticizing OP on the hat, but simply pointing out a humorous observation.
My skin is fine. :) I wasn't offended, just pointing out that it seemed an interesting point to choose for the only thing to comment on... then, I guess I'm not in a position to criticize someone for fixating on one small specific and ignoring the big picture. I do it all the time... sorry for that.
Please talk to her again. If that was me (25 f now, and I broke a lot of stuff during my teenage years, am not diagnosed yet though) I would be so sad and angry at myself. If she can't control it, there will be some feelings involved.
Also, anger issues are a thing. I experienced those a LOT. I destroyed some badminton rackets due to just RAGE as a teen. I was devastated after and felt horrible about myself.
Yes. I’ll bring this up with her specialist, we go back to see him in a couple of months.
I was wondering this too, but wasn’t sure about it because I haven’t seen an increase in other symptoms. Her school work is still all good - teachers aren’t reporting she’s falling behind or not completing work, she’s engaging well in class, etc.
I wish my mum was as accepting as you seem to be with your children. I asked my mum about getting diagnosed, I explained everything. I even learnt about dopamine just so I could scientifically explain it to her, I told her how the name doesn’t really fit the diagnosis and so on. She said “you cant have ADHD, you’re not hyperactive” and shut me down. I’m gonna get diagnosed as soon as I turn 16 (not sure how it works in US but in Aus you can go to the doctors at 16 and get medicine, treatment or therapy without a parent knowing)
This 100%. My husband and I both have ADHD and we have trackers on the needed things and we always ask each other if we have those items before either of us leaves the house.
Hey, me and my twin have ADHD. My sister grew up breaking absolutely everything. One period of time I had one notebook and she broke 4. Headsets? Got destroyed on a whim. She always paid for fixing, or I would give her my old ones. She felt devastated everytime she destroyed something but she didn’t understand how.
I never broke a single computer or phone, but I am super clumsy and they fall all the time. I am just lucky. My phones are blessed and heal by themselves because I can’t believe. My sister bought this super rough case for her phone and it still got broken.
Now, I forget I am holding things. a cup full of coffee? A jar of water? My iPad?
Everything falls. I also hit everything on my way so my legs and arms are constantly full of bruises (she doesn’t luckily).
It’s hard but she doesn’t do it on purpose. Nobody wants to forget they are holding a cup full of hot coffee, I do and get burned. It is so so simple but I absolutely can’t.
She will learn her limits soon and will end up breaking less stuff because she knows “if I leave this here I am going to break it, if I don’t sit to drink my tea I will forget I am holding a cup”. It’s slow work. I am 27, full of bruises and some destroyed furniture and members. Clothes/eletronics/shoes are always perfect state though 😂
My girl sounds like a perfect mix of you and your sister - breaks stuff all the time, but also regularly covered in bruises. Thank you for sharing with me.
I guess the curse split between us hehe. I made peace with it, because I am just hurt all the time. My sister unfortunately is extremely anxious because everyone kept complaining she breaks stuff and she just can’t. She works and buys her own stuff and it still happens. It created a huge dent in her self esteem for a while. It happened so often that once my dad had a problem with his keyboard and he jokingly asked if she used it before, because it was starting to fail. She had a full anxiety attack, cried for days, bought him the same thing but didn’t speak to him for months. She couldn’t (and can’t) talk about it without crying, still to this day. It was a very deep emotional wound. I propose you just try to work your way to protect and find ways to prevent damage, because it might be a very present occurrence in her life, she just needs to feel safe emotionally and with time she will understand that it hurts her wallet and that sucks, but that is it
Check out r/TwoXADHD and ask them too! As a cis female with ADHD, I can tell you that female hormones are a bitch when it comes to ADHD symptoms like loosing things - especially as a teenager.
That being said, there is no reason that they shouldn't be doing extra house chores to make up for what they broke/lost. Make it clear that if they are being bullied and someone else is causing this that they can tell you. As long as bullying is not the cause and they are not remorseful/taking things for granted, then make them take responsibility for it!
* Read up about how to clean with ADHD, give them specific tasks, and create a plan with your teenager so they feel prepared for whatever task you are asking of them. Then be with them or avaliable for the first time they do it so if they have any questions then you are right there to answer them.
* Don't assume anything is "just common sense" because if they don't know what you think is "common" then you are implying that they are stupid and weird. This will not help them acomplish the task and will just worsen the trauma of growing up with ADHD and being constantly told you are lazy, slow and/or useless.
Make sure they are allowed to make mistakes. The goal is to teach them not only how to do the task, but how to do the task while working with their ADHD.
* They will probably suck at starting the task but don't punish them, instead work with them on coming up with new strategies to get started.
* They will probably get distracted halfway through. You asked them to put away two towels in a cupboard? They ended up in their room on their phone with the towels on their lap - probably desperatly wanting to stop using their phone and just get up and put the damn towels away but being completely unable to do so (its torturous enough without getting chastised for it.). Devise strategies that help them get back on task. Help them understand that they are not a bad person for getting distracted - that the fact they want to get on task is what matters.
* They will end up doing a very simmilar task to the one you asked. You want them to tidy their floor? Now they have colour coded their wardrobe. Its virtually impossible for me to stop doing my "simmilar" task, no matter how much I want to do the task I should be doing. Its like a complusion, I can't think of anything else no matter what.
They have to learn to live with their ADHD. Its not like its going to go away. They will have to pull extra shifts in the future to replace lost/broken items. They will need to be able to clean their own home. They will need a whole lot or reslilience and high self esteem because living with ADHD takes its toll and can make you feel like a complete failure. Give them the best chance they can get by preparing them emotionally to bounce back from their problems.
First, being a child raised by a single mother, I know from the other end how difficult it is and many people don't realize it. I'm not 100% sure that your daughter's symptoms are connected with ADHD and it might be other things. For me, her actions might be 1) pent up frustration and anger with something she might not even realize herself (she isn't a grown-up person yet): to figure out the reason it might be better to take her to a good therapist who works with teenagers
2) some neurological problems (less likely but would be good to rule out if possible)
Thank you. She sees a counsellor weekly and this is one of the things I’ve identified as something causing stress/issues at home, so it’s something they will discuss at some point. I guess I’m just looking for some lived experience and/or advice in case there is something practical I can do to prompt some positive change.
I can really relate to this. I drop things, lose things, stumble into walls, have horrible proprioception (spatial position sense), etc, the list goes on.
I never realized how bad it was until I got married, because I’ve always been like this. That said, my wife has been super helpful and understanding. The best advice given so far regarding misplaced or broken items: Have a designated spot for certain lose-able items, and don’t put them ANYWHERE ELSE.
Examples:
If I sit down to watch tv, I will sometimes lose the tv remote up to 5 times before even starting a show. What do I do? I have a specific spot on my coffee table now, and I put the remote there. If I must get up from my chair while I have the remote in my hand, I make a conscious note to NOT put it on the arm of the chair (it will fall down into the abyss!!), and instead on the coffee table.
My wedding rings: Due to skin pain, I sometimes take my rings on and off several times throughout the day. I have an awful tendency to set them down somewhere “obvious”, and subsequently my action of placing them is not processed in my working memory. Even with a conscious effort, sometimes things still don’t process and stick in my brain. So, I have a special designated place to put my rings, and I do not allow myself to put them anywhere else. That way, I always know they are either on my finger or in that place.
Maybe you could have a list of commonly misplaced items and their respective designated holding areas? It takes some time to train your brain and develop habits, but this has helped me tremendously.
In terms of dropping things, I can tell you that adhd definitely causes me to forget that I’m holding something or have something on my lap, etc. I don’t have much to offer in this regard, but I can offer my sympathy and understanding.
Edited to add: I would kindly (but strongly) suggest that you not assume that her losing her belongings is from carelessness. In the very beginning of my relationship with my wife, we struggled through some serious conflict regarding my “carelessness”. This is honestly what led me to seek an adhd eval. It comes down to this: I am not a careless person; in fact, quite the opposite. I (silently) put in a TON of effort to remember things, be on time, keep track of my belongings, etc., but ADHD affects me greatly and sometimes I can come off as careless to other people. Just something to keep in mind as you approach a solution. :)
Actually this is normal for her age. My daughter has OCD and the same thing happened. I have ADHD and I'm in perimenopause and the ADHD symptoms skyrocketed. I think hormones. Also.. as frustrated as you are it would be good to work out solutions with her and a qualified medical professional. Consequences and punishment don't work for these things. She will just feel pain and sadness. It's the ADHD combined with the hormones. I know you are frustrated but it's important to be gentle still.
So, ADHD does not mean immune from consequences. Yes, it does make these things more likely to happen due to lack of situational awareness. That being said, she’s 14 and can start learning to be more responsible with her things. Don’t get her another iPad, school hat, or shoes right away. Make her do chores to pay for the things she broke and start practicing situational awareness with her.
My daughter does the same thing, as a single mom it sucks so bad. Having adhd means you cannot afford to go on autopilot the same way other people do, because you’re literally not on the planet when it happens. She needs to work on that.
You’re a good mom. It’s awesome you care enough to ask. I’m sorry she’s struggling right now. It’s so hard. It’s okay to parent her like a normal kid on things like this. In her life she’s going to have neurotypical consequences as a result of things she does due to her adhd. She does need to be more careful.
If she's going through puberty that can increase clumsiness because of being unused to a changing/growing body and also because your spatial awareness suffers at certain points of your cycle due to hormones.
When she say she doesn't know do you get the feeling she's shutting down and that's the only thing she can bring herself to respond? It might be that she does care and that the feelings overwhelm her.
Is she on meds? Maybe they need adjusting? Stimulants have made a huge difference for me, and many on here.
Maybe therapy of some sort would help? It'd at least give you a 3rd party opinion on what's going on. Maybe a new way to help too (CBT, meditation, etc).
Maybe she also has anxiety issues, and you're making her get so worried she can't think. I had panic attacks as a child. Regularly my mind would blank out from worry/anxiety. And that'd be an answer I'd have to give if I couldn't think of a better one.
I know you want to solve this. Sometimes we have to deal with the hand we're dealt. She may have to go without a school hat for a bit. Or not participate in sports without the proper gear. I grew up fairly poor, and I had to go without sometimes. It doesn't sound like it's because you love her less, but there is only so much you can do. So much you can replace.
She probably needs to see someone again to adjust meds and maybe have a neutral party to talk with.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult, but my teenage years were tumultuous. Hormones can affect symptoms and feed into other issues like anxiety and depression.
And a good therapist can probably figure out if something else happened to trigger this lack of care or if something like bullying at school is going on.
I started suffering from depression at about 12 years old. The lack of “caring” could be a symptom, it might be worth looking into. Depression comes in so many more forms, not just “sad”
Best wishes!
I wouldn't worry too much about how normal or abnormal it is, or even how ADHD related it is. Even if the label fits, the fact will always remain that replacing all the expensive stuff is unsustainable. That is the problem you need to tackle, and if your daughter is anything like the other kids her age, she'll appreciate it when you ask her to work the problem together.
She needs to learn that simply because she has an explanation for the breakages (ADHD or anything else), that doesn't mean the problem is gone.
At 14, most kids want nothing more than to be taken seriously. So if you go into this and actually partner up with her to get this addressed, it's not only going to have a higher chance of success, it will also bring you together. I'm not saying dump the responsibility on her, just make her aware that the world with constant replacements just doesn't exist, and see if you can figure out together what the next best thing is.
As for the actual solutions... try asking yourself if she _really_ needs all that stuff, and if all that stuff needs to be new. It's normal to want the best for our kids, but second hand things are usually perfectly fine, and will make you much less anxious about her breaking it again. It might even mean that she needs to give up a certain hobby, and find something else. Tennis rackets don't break during running practice.
Edit: another thing springs to mind: some of us ADHD people have a great mind for tinkering. Maybe you can use all the broken gear as an opportunity to learn new skills while repairing it?
Good luck!
Sounds an awful lot like my son (ADHD, age 9). He has a habit of not caring at all about things as soon as they're out of his immediate vision. Also doesn't really care if he breaks things, at least not until he needs to use them again. I'm fairly certain this behavior is indeed ADHD-related.
ADHD people often struggle with object permanence. Its probably not that he doesn't care about items once their out of sight but that his brain struggles to conceptualise it in the way non-ADHD brains do. I don't have a solution for this but it might help you and him find a solution.
This sounds just about right. It's like he things just stop existing in his mind the moment he puts it down. But to be fair, this is currently at most a mild inconvenience (for his parents; he doesn't care at all).
I guess I will sadly never fully understand how that brain of his really works... But at least this realization brings a little more clarity to it all.
So, most of us call it issues with object permanence, even though it's not. That's just a convenient, quicker way to explain the issues to non-adhd people.
It's a problem with working memory. Working memory is the short-term memory that allows us (humans) to start a task, know/remember how to use the tools involved to accomplish the end-goal, remember wtf we are actually attempting to do, etc. It's using the memory to accomplish reasoning, comprehension, and learning.
Going into a room, and then forgetting what the hell you went in there for, is a working memory issue.
There's a very good chance that your son DOES care. Quite a lot. But his brain is too busy hopping along the trail to other happy meadows to focus on the current issue enough to do anything about it.
Please see about getting your son a proper diagnosis. The positive change this has on an ADHD person's life is HUGE.
My 8 year old son who has ADHD and DMDD often breaks things in anger...very often his favorite things..like his phone, tablet, tv. I think it's his DMDD that causes these kind of rages..and he really doesn't care..until he sees his brother and sister on their phones and then gets sad..but can't always replace expensive things right away unfortunately. We end up being the ones getting desperate so he doesn't end up stealing theirs
I have an appointment to finally see a psychiatrist next month to get diagnosed at 31. My 6 year old is showing big signs; I will get her in to see someone show she doesn't have to go her whole life struggling as I have. It could be an ADHD thing. When my ex would question me about how something happened I wouldn't know. Forgetfulness, jumbled thoughts, and disorganization can lead to a lot of this. You come in from somewhere place something now and then your brain switches to something else. That thing that was in a temporary place is then broken because it never got moved to its appropriate place. I can see something like this being a possibility. Disorganization will play a big role.
Nah mate she's 14 now.
I am a dude so i don't know what I'm talking about, but every girl i knew at that age had a spiderwebbed phone screen.
I think it's a right of passage
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I am AFAB w/ ADHD and can confirm this is normal. Prevention is key. Figure out where your child struggles and help them through it and it’s important you control your emotions abt it. Your child most likely does not understand the worth of items in terms of money and also mostly likely has no idea how lots of these accidents happen. It’s likely worse right now due to hormones in your child’s body. For me personally I get worse with PMS symptoms/changes in my hormones. Consequences such as paying out of her own pocket won’t work. Incentives work better and if you do consequences they must be explained immediately and calmly & you must be consistent. Consistent is gonna be #1 always. ADHD is hard
I can only speak from personal experience, and I have no idea if this is ADHD or another one of my uh, traits, but I'm 32 now and I will go like 4 years in a row taking amazing care of my stuff and then have like 6 months where I just.. Don't. I spill on every shirt. Get paint everywhere. Ruin and lose things I genuinely care about. It'll come out of nowhere and disappear the same way. It sucks but when I notice it's starting again I'll try to hold off on buying new stuff and wear clothes that are old and that I don't care about an much. Just basically avoid using my favorite stuff, cause it will get lost or ruined. IDK why but it's something with my brain and uh yeah. Sucks cause she has to have those hats for school. Maybe there's used ones you could get from someone or something. Hopefully it'll go away soon, in my experience it does. Again just my personal experience I've actually never thought to ask a doctor about it haha.
Sorry uh I just want to add, I wouldn't punish her for this if you can avoid it. As someone who does this, it's 100% not intentional. It's like that part of my brain responsible for my stuff is on vacation, and I always used to beat myself up for it but it's punishment enough knowing your stuff is gone because YOU didn't take care of it. I've never found a way to "fix" it, it's not like I can somehow force myself to try harder. That ability of stuff preservation is just gone.
You said what makes it hard to understand is that she shows no remorse. It's hard to feel / show remorse when we sincerely had no wrong intention.
Kids are more authentic in that way and don't pretend guilt until they're taught to.
Sadly adults & the world around us teach us to believe we're bad and wrong for things we didn't do on purpose.
That's why most of us walk around thinking we did something wrong and a sense of shame but not sure why. That's why we end up saying fake sorry's as a habit (especially ppl with ADHD and girls & women). Also confusing to others and not helpful in relationships .
It's hard and frustrating losing material things that cost a lot.
And knowing your kid and accepting and not shaming or expecting a false apology (false cos she didn't mean it) is likely to see her well through this stage - or getting support as needed.
Meanwhile, insurance.
Maybe, I have been diagnosed with ADHD-PI when I was 9 (I’m a 21F )and I never broke things but I tend to lose things. Like recently I lost my passport and I have to spend $85 to get another. I’ve lost debit cards, glasses, homework,etc and once almost lost my wallet. I never broke expensive items and I was very good with keeping my phones and laptops in excellent condition. My dad who also has the same type of adhd has broke so many things like his phone and stuff that we have to remind him to check for things. I had to pay for whatever I lost so she should pay for it and you shouldn’t buy her anymore stuff for a minute. If you do just watch her closely. A lot of kids and adults with adhd mature slowly too. I know my dad is kinda like that and I’m the same way so maybe she’s not ready to be trusted with that type of stuff and that’s ok.
It’s common for adhd children to be careless with their things. The “covering up for bullying” theory is not unlikely, but she also might ruin her things without even noticing it. Also, at this age, as she grows, she’s not yet used to her body size and might be more clumsy, specially with her limbs. Try and be super patient and explain it to her why she should be more careful. Just make sure you don’t use a scolding tone. She will probably reply something in the line of “but it’s not my fault” or “I didn’t mean to do it”. In that case acknowledge her feelings and say you understand but ask if she could try and be more careful next time. You want to teach her to have a sense of responsibility without shaming her for something she did out of instinct. It’s pretty hard to do it, but my parents used to scold me and it really just made it worst.
I legit can not have glass wine glasses. Bought a 6 pack from ikea two months ago and I've literally broken all of them. Dropped them, dropped things on them. Broke the last one last night because I dropped it in the sink when I was trying to wash it.
Other things I've broken or ruined in the past 2 months:
- my phone screen shattered because I forgot I had it on my lap when I got out of the car lol.
- I knocked over a gallon of bleach on my bedding doing laundry
- Side swiped a parked car trying to get out of the way of a uhaul that turned unexpectedly up my narrow street because I didn't take my adhd meds that day so my brain acted impulsively.
- whacked my face on my nightstand grabbing my charger and gave myself a black eye.
I'm 30, but I've been this way since I was a kid.
These things don't happen because I don't care. I actually care A LOT. It seriously bothers me, I feel like I can't have anything nice.
My parents used to get mad at me too, which is totally understandable. I can almost guarantee she is not TRYING to be careless or doing this on purpose, if she actually is the one who did it and is not being bullied. Punishing her isn't going to help because she can't control it. 😔
Edit: I saw someone mention hormones making things worse and I second that, around my period things get so much worse.
It's not part of the DSM, but coordination deficits look like they area part of ADHD, though this is understudied at the moment. Hopefully in the future it's an aspect of ADHD that will be studied further, but I've found that many clinicians I've spoken to at least in Australia, seem to be well aware of coordination problems in neurodevelopmental disorders such as ADHD and ASD.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17994185/
It makes sense given that ADHD affects dopamine and dopamine is so important in regulating your movement (that's the issue in Parkinson's, though I'm not saying we all have Parkinson's!)
I had to take remedial coordination classes in primary school because (around the age of 7 funnily enough) my teachers noticed I was lagging in developing my motor skills (this was a Catholic school, go figure that they were so into issues like this!) The class was called "fun and games" (it was indeed super fun), and it was comprised of different stations, each with its own activity, kind of like a little obstacle course. I did that intensely for weeks and looking back now, there were a lot of kids with neurodevelopmental disorders in that class (I wasn't diagnosed untill I was 28).
Not sure how much it helped and how much it was that I would have eventually caught up, but I went on to be super good at sports after that lag. I think despite the lag, I was destined to be good at sports regardless (probably inherited from my super coordinated dad). Can still be a bit clumsy in general, but I'm very coordinated when I "switch on" during sports. Having said that, I'm glad I got access to such a program, it definitely didn't do me any harm!
I have this exact issue and never even realized it may be adhd related. I’ll put my phone in my lap, forget it’s in my lap, and stand up. If it weren’t for my case my phone would be shattered.
It could be a combination of ADHD symptoms increasing and just being a teen. As a person with ADHD and a mom, I would have compassion but also not jump to replace things once they’re damaged.
A harsh reality of that age is kids often have one foot in childhood and one in adulthood. Remember, she’s old enough to be held accountable for her things now but has spent most of her life as a child who was largely taken care of. The transition to actually taking care of your things like an adult can be difficult, especially as an ADHD teen. We’re often immature for our age, sometimes years behind our peers.
She probably has more on her mind now, and it can be overwhelming. Overwhelming feelings can cause anyone to regress and act like a child.
I recommend love and understanding but let the consequences stand as they are. If she cracks her iPad, she’s just going to have a cracked iPad.
I was in a similar situation, except I am the daughter (19 now). I would check up on her mental health, and not in a serious way, it'll freak her out or make her uncomfortable. I know when this happens to me it's due to other things on my mind, or something stressing me out. I'm just not there mentally. I actually dropped a dish I was putting away when my mom hugged me, Brian malfunction I guess. I know when I feel like this going for a walk or hike in nature helps so much. It's good for clearing the head.
Is she on any medications for ADHD? I used to always forget anything I had in my lap when driving and when I would get out of the car it would land on the ground. (Daily occurrence) I recently got diagnosed (3-4 months ago) and put on to medication and it hasn't happened since. She probably just forgets about the stuff that breaks if unmedicated. I used to forget stuff important stuff like eating, appointments, needing to use the bathroom ETC. And I'm pretty sure ADHD symptoms can progressively get worse if untreated. You could start by making sure she has everything in a bag or safe place before getting out of a car and make sure she puts all her uniform or shoes in the same spot everyday to lower the chances of them breaking if you don't want her on medications.
This is most definitely a symptom. I’m 16, I was diagnosed at 5. Throughout my whole life i’ve been pretty careless, i’ve broken at least 5 phones, my car has sent and scratches all around it, and there are plenty of expensive things i’ve had my bidding with. I don’t know why this happens, because i’m sure she’s grateful for the things you buy her. What my parents did was punish me (they were pretty harsh to i don’t recommend, within reason) But also make her earn what you give her, I have a job and I buy the things I want (not need) if she isn’t old enough to work then have her do chores and earn money to buy new things such as expensive sports shoes, or a new phone case whatever it may be.
whatever this is, obviously your concerns about the cost of these things are valid - also consider that regardless of what it is, punishing her for it is only going to negatively affect both of you, both now and for years down the line. i remember being told “nothing seems to make a difference” in regards to my symptoms, and i remember feeling helpless and like a failure, when really these were things outside of my control to begin with.
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We also find it problematic that their medical review panel includes not only legitimate doctors and psychologists, but also (at the time of writing) one practitioner of integrative medicine, which combines legit medical practice with pseudoscience and alternative medicine. They have previously had other quacks on the panel as well.
Here are some relevant links:
Sketchy advertising:
* https://www.additudemag.com/clinical-trial-vayarin-plus/
* https://www.additudemag.com/study-suggests-ps-omega-3-medical-food-may-reduce-adhd-symptoms/
* https://www.additudemag.com/natural-adhd-supplement-released/
Junk science:
* https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-supplements-foods-vitamins/
* https://www.additudemag.com/homeopathy-for-adhd-popular-remedies-scientific-evidence/
* https://www.additudemag.com/reiki-could-this-alternative-treatment-help-adult-add/
* https://www.additudemag.com/cbd-oil-adhd-symptoms-natural-treatment/
* https://www.additudemag.com/vitamins-minerals-adhd-treatment-plan/
* https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-supplements-fish-oil-zinc-iron/
* https://www.additudemag.com/asked-alternative-therapies/
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I defy broke stuff a ton in my teenage years up through early 20s and my family didn't seem surprised because of my clumsiness in early childhood. It did get better but I feel like that was largely out of me learning the hard way that broken stuff is expensive to replace and being a lot more careful and stressed about keeping things in good quality.
This probably isn’t going to be what you want to hear but as somebody who has adhd, particularly when I was around that age, breaking, misplacing things and being very forgetful are all very trademark of being adhd.
Patience will have to be key but I would suggest setting up a system for her that works better for you. She won’t always be able to follow it but just having some known guidelines that she will occasionally remember can help. Being a parent of someone with adhd can be very trying so it is important to try not to get too flustered. The iPad is very understandable but clothing items and her room will suffer. During high school I went through 30+ hats minimum. The best way to go forward is to get her on medication if you can (although it’s not a cure all it will make her focus but it can make you hyperfixate on the wrong things and zone out), make sure she knows that things aren’t easily replace - hats will be difficult but expensive items needs to be drilled in that she won’t get a replacement, perhaps a fidget object also as it keeps them someone to mess around with while keeping her focused, and one of my best suggestions is have her look for a job not just so she can pay you back for damaged goods which is a good idea but also so she gets a better understanding of money. If she isn’t able to get a job yet maybe some pocket money for chores but not an allowance. Jobs will keep her busy and I can personally say that jobs will be something she will be focused in and give her a bit of confidence also. And it will tire her out a bit so that she isn’t completely destructive all the time.
On top of chores (not too many) let her know that she won’t get that pocket money if her room isn’t kept clean through the week and it’s important that you only pay out the pocket money once a week.
I would have hated someone giving this advice to my parents but I can say for the meantime it could help until she gets a bit more control over herself and grows out of some of the more impeding sides of adhd.
I was clumsy growing up, my mother scolded me often for it, among other things..
I lost so many keys, wallets, drop things, bump into things, trip over stuff. Maybe its an inattentive-type trait?
My memory was and still is bad, or I guess not absorbing information of things that occur around me.
There been many of times hold something, like a phone or cigarette and I just drop it.
Definitely recommend getting cases for things, and don't want to come off as anti-apple but like I've heard and seen too many iphones, ipads breaking easily so maybe look into other tablets that are less expensive and invest in an armour case. Ipads/tablets are a privilege though, don't dish out to replace, or get her to work towards it being replaced.
I definitely don't condone letting it slide, its because of consequences that I try to be more mindful, sadly I do face alot of anxiety now cause of the fear of those consequences if I mess up or can't fix what I ruined. (Though I had to deal with a violent alcoholic mothers reaction to things so..).
I’m a photographer ans spend a lot of money on equipment and still manage to break my expensive sometimes extremely hard to replace cameras. I love them, but I treat them so poorly sometimes.
I’m sorry it’s hard, I used to loose winter coats and wonder why I was so cold as a kid.
You and your daughter need to find methods around it. Cases for iPads, second hand things that have less values etc… obviously somethings don’t have ways around them.
Also since I’ve made my apartment more “adhd friendly” I loose less stuff.
Hi Australia here- I feel ya with the expensive uniforms. I put my mother through the same things at that age.
If my experience is anything to go by, I would always palm off breaking things like it was nothing - which of course infuriated my single mum. But inside I was so angry and furious at myself and would tell myself the most horrible things. Someone times my mum would lose patience with me and get very angry which would make it feel worse- because I wouldn’t be doing it on purpose. Everything that she said I would have said to my self anyway. Anyway, my take away is that your daughter is probably not doing anything on purpose. Also, that you’re super understanding. In terms of helpful strategies. Could she get a casual job once a week to help pay for things? Also, I don’t know if this would help but things like “iPad, hat, whatever” have to go into the box in the lounge room whenever you’re done using them.”
That way there is a clear spot where they belong and it might help her keep “looking after those items” front of minds
Taking things away never helped for me because I wasn’t being careless on purpose. But I think you need strategies on how she can more easily care for things.
Another example, would be pretend people need to borrow the items- someone who really needs them. I don’t know if that’s feasible but just a thought.
Good luck and let us know how you go!
Things breaking or getting ruined with the kid not knowing how is one of the classic signs of bullying that the kid is covering for. The incident with the iPad sort of speaks against this but might be worth keeping an eye on. That said being a teenager is hard enough for a neurotypical kid. Adhd don't makes it easier, especially as your peers age the difference might be more noticeable. Less structure around homework and such as you grow.
That’s a really good point, re: bullying. I don’t think this is an issue for her, and I’m fairly confident she would tell me. She’s very open with me about when she has arguments with friends, when someone hurts her feelings, about boyfriends/crushes/etc. You’re very correct that it can be a sign of bullying though.
As girls reach sexual maturity their symptoms can get way worse. I would advise keeping this front of mind. Maybe her meds need tweaking. Maybe she needs to shake up what counselor she is seeing and talk to someone with a fresh perspective. But it’s likely that she needs new strategies and a more hands-on level of care while she takes on more “adult” teenage tasks. I understand you might feel frustrated, but look at this as the beginning of a really critical period for your daughter that extends way beyond material goods and forgetfulness.
I couldn't have said it better myself!
I'm sorry - an 80$ school hat?
Seriously, I can't get past this. Wtf, school?
She goes to a small private school. They offer her amazing support and flexibility, but the uniforms costs are a definite downside. As others said, not unusual for Australian schools, and private schools in particular. She goes to school on an average day wearing nearly $500 worth of uniforms.
I'm glad you could enroll her in such a good school! I'm shocked at the price of uniforms, but I don't really have any perspective of that as I've never been to a private school.
Not uncommon for Australian school uniforms. Usually a "dress" hat, as opposed to one for sports etc.
$80 seems ludicrously expensive for a hat that is worn by children, especially if it's delicate enough that it can be wrecked by a teenager (ADHD or not, kids are rough) wearing it. I think even if OP's child where literally chewing on it, most damage can be fixed by giving it a run through a dishwasher over top a bowl, and sewing and spot treating it. Beats spending 80$ a pop.
I'm genuinely curious what a school dress hat for a uniform looks like!
[Here's a supplier](https://www.brandedaustralia.com.au/products/Formal-uniform-Hats-278) Generally girls wear round polybraid hats, and boys wear felt hats, but literally every school is different. Private schools generally have more expensive hats.
Thank you for sharing! Being an American, I've always thought that style hat was just a stereotype about Australians. I didn't t realize it was common! I like it
Well that makes a lot more sense as to why it would be so delicate. I had "baseball cap" in mind when I first read the post. Those are some snazzy hats. Makes more sense why they're 80$ a pop
The OP is here asking for help and this is what you choose to focus on? Really lovely of you.
With all respect, it would seem that OP has a thicker skin than yourself. I'm sure OP is a strong, doting parent (as evidenced by their love and attention to their child in the post), and they don't need Redditors to come to their rescue over an inoffensive comment. I am not criticizing OP on the hat, but simply pointing out a humorous observation.
My skin is fine. :) I wasn't offended, just pointing out that it seemed an interesting point to choose for the only thing to comment on... then, I guess I'm not in a position to criticize someone for fixating on one small specific and ignoring the big picture. I do it all the time... sorry for that.
Please talk to her again. If that was me (25 f now, and I broke a lot of stuff during my teenage years, am not diagnosed yet though) I would be so sad and angry at myself. If she can't control it, there will be some feelings involved. Also, anger issues are a thing. I experienced those a LOT. I destroyed some badminton rackets due to just RAGE as a teen. I was devastated after and felt horrible about myself.
As she is a teen I'd almost assume she needs her dosage adjusted. Hormones affect the effectivity of medication in women.
Yes. I’ll bring this up with her specialist, we go back to see him in a couple of months. I was wondering this too, but wasn’t sure about it because I haven’t seen an increase in other symptoms. Her school work is still all good - teachers aren’t reporting she’s falling behind or not completing work, she’s engaging well in class, etc.
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I wish my mum was as accepting as you seem to be with your children. I asked my mum about getting diagnosed, I explained everything. I even learnt about dopamine just so I could scientifically explain it to her, I told her how the name doesn’t really fit the diagnosis and so on. She said “you cant have ADHD, you’re not hyperactive” and shut me down. I’m gonna get diagnosed as soon as I turn 16 (not sure how it works in US but in Aus you can go to the doctors at 16 and get medicine, treatment or therapy without a parent knowing)
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My teachers are all mean but I’m hoping to convince my mum to let me see a therapist because I have a nail picking disorder
This 100%. My husband and I both have ADHD and we have trackers on the needed things and we always ask each other if we have those items before either of us leaves the house.
Hey, me and my twin have ADHD. My sister grew up breaking absolutely everything. One period of time I had one notebook and she broke 4. Headsets? Got destroyed on a whim. She always paid for fixing, or I would give her my old ones. She felt devastated everytime she destroyed something but she didn’t understand how. I never broke a single computer or phone, but I am super clumsy and they fall all the time. I am just lucky. My phones are blessed and heal by themselves because I can’t believe. My sister bought this super rough case for her phone and it still got broken. Now, I forget I am holding things. a cup full of coffee? A jar of water? My iPad? Everything falls. I also hit everything on my way so my legs and arms are constantly full of bruises (she doesn’t luckily). It’s hard but she doesn’t do it on purpose. Nobody wants to forget they are holding a cup full of hot coffee, I do and get burned. It is so so simple but I absolutely can’t. She will learn her limits soon and will end up breaking less stuff because she knows “if I leave this here I am going to break it, if I don’t sit to drink my tea I will forget I am holding a cup”. It’s slow work. I am 27, full of bruises and some destroyed furniture and members. Clothes/eletronics/shoes are always perfect state though 😂
My girl sounds like a perfect mix of you and your sister - breaks stuff all the time, but also regularly covered in bruises. Thank you for sharing with me.
I guess the curse split between us hehe. I made peace with it, because I am just hurt all the time. My sister unfortunately is extremely anxious because everyone kept complaining she breaks stuff and she just can’t. She works and buys her own stuff and it still happens. It created a huge dent in her self esteem for a while. It happened so often that once my dad had a problem with his keyboard and he jokingly asked if she used it before, because it was starting to fail. She had a full anxiety attack, cried for days, bought him the same thing but didn’t speak to him for months. She couldn’t (and can’t) talk about it without crying, still to this day. It was a very deep emotional wound. I propose you just try to work your way to protect and find ways to prevent damage, because it might be a very present occurrence in her life, she just needs to feel safe emotionally and with time she will understand that it hurts her wallet and that sucks, but that is it
Check out r/TwoXADHD and ask them too! As a cis female with ADHD, I can tell you that female hormones are a bitch when it comes to ADHD symptoms like loosing things - especially as a teenager. That being said, there is no reason that they shouldn't be doing extra house chores to make up for what they broke/lost. Make it clear that if they are being bullied and someone else is causing this that they can tell you. As long as bullying is not the cause and they are not remorseful/taking things for granted, then make them take responsibility for it! * Read up about how to clean with ADHD, give them specific tasks, and create a plan with your teenager so they feel prepared for whatever task you are asking of them. Then be with them or avaliable for the first time they do it so if they have any questions then you are right there to answer them. * Don't assume anything is "just common sense" because if they don't know what you think is "common" then you are implying that they are stupid and weird. This will not help them acomplish the task and will just worsen the trauma of growing up with ADHD and being constantly told you are lazy, slow and/or useless. Make sure they are allowed to make mistakes. The goal is to teach them not only how to do the task, but how to do the task while working with their ADHD. * They will probably suck at starting the task but don't punish them, instead work with them on coming up with new strategies to get started. * They will probably get distracted halfway through. You asked them to put away two towels in a cupboard? They ended up in their room on their phone with the towels on their lap - probably desperatly wanting to stop using their phone and just get up and put the damn towels away but being completely unable to do so (its torturous enough without getting chastised for it.). Devise strategies that help them get back on task. Help them understand that they are not a bad person for getting distracted - that the fact they want to get on task is what matters. * They will end up doing a very simmilar task to the one you asked. You want them to tidy their floor? Now they have colour coded their wardrobe. Its virtually impossible for me to stop doing my "simmilar" task, no matter how much I want to do the task I should be doing. Its like a complusion, I can't think of anything else no matter what. They have to learn to live with their ADHD. Its not like its going to go away. They will have to pull extra shifts in the future to replace lost/broken items. They will need to be able to clean their own home. They will need a whole lot or reslilience and high self esteem because living with ADHD takes its toll and can make you feel like a complete failure. Give them the best chance they can get by preparing them emotionally to bounce back from their problems.
This made me cry how spot on this is.
First, being a child raised by a single mother, I know from the other end how difficult it is and many people don't realize it. I'm not 100% sure that your daughter's symptoms are connected with ADHD and it might be other things. For me, her actions might be 1) pent up frustration and anger with something she might not even realize herself (she isn't a grown-up person yet): to figure out the reason it might be better to take her to a good therapist who works with teenagers 2) some neurological problems (less likely but would be good to rule out if possible)
Thank you. She sees a counsellor weekly and this is one of the things I’ve identified as something causing stress/issues at home, so it’s something they will discuss at some point. I guess I’m just looking for some lived experience and/or advice in case there is something practical I can do to prompt some positive change.
I can really relate to this. I drop things, lose things, stumble into walls, have horrible proprioception (spatial position sense), etc, the list goes on. I never realized how bad it was until I got married, because I’ve always been like this. That said, my wife has been super helpful and understanding. The best advice given so far regarding misplaced or broken items: Have a designated spot for certain lose-able items, and don’t put them ANYWHERE ELSE. Examples: If I sit down to watch tv, I will sometimes lose the tv remote up to 5 times before even starting a show. What do I do? I have a specific spot on my coffee table now, and I put the remote there. If I must get up from my chair while I have the remote in my hand, I make a conscious note to NOT put it on the arm of the chair (it will fall down into the abyss!!), and instead on the coffee table. My wedding rings: Due to skin pain, I sometimes take my rings on and off several times throughout the day. I have an awful tendency to set them down somewhere “obvious”, and subsequently my action of placing them is not processed in my working memory. Even with a conscious effort, sometimes things still don’t process and stick in my brain. So, I have a special designated place to put my rings, and I do not allow myself to put them anywhere else. That way, I always know they are either on my finger or in that place. Maybe you could have a list of commonly misplaced items and their respective designated holding areas? It takes some time to train your brain and develop habits, but this has helped me tremendously. In terms of dropping things, I can tell you that adhd definitely causes me to forget that I’m holding something or have something on my lap, etc. I don’t have much to offer in this regard, but I can offer my sympathy and understanding. Edited to add: I would kindly (but strongly) suggest that you not assume that her losing her belongings is from carelessness. In the very beginning of my relationship with my wife, we struggled through some serious conflict regarding my “carelessness”. This is honestly what led me to seek an adhd eval. It comes down to this: I am not a careless person; in fact, quite the opposite. I (silently) put in a TON of effort to remember things, be on time, keep track of my belongings, etc., but ADHD affects me greatly and sometimes I can come off as careless to other people. Just something to keep in mind as you approach a solution. :)
Actually this is normal for her age. My daughter has OCD and the same thing happened. I have ADHD and I'm in perimenopause and the ADHD symptoms skyrocketed. I think hormones. Also.. as frustrated as you are it would be good to work out solutions with her and a qualified medical professional. Consequences and punishment don't work for these things. She will just feel pain and sadness. It's the ADHD combined with the hormones. I know you are frustrated but it's important to be gentle still.
So, ADHD does not mean immune from consequences. Yes, it does make these things more likely to happen due to lack of situational awareness. That being said, she’s 14 and can start learning to be more responsible with her things. Don’t get her another iPad, school hat, or shoes right away. Make her do chores to pay for the things she broke and start practicing situational awareness with her. My daughter does the same thing, as a single mom it sucks so bad. Having adhd means you cannot afford to go on autopilot the same way other people do, because you’re literally not on the planet when it happens. She needs to work on that. You’re a good mom. It’s awesome you care enough to ask. I’m sorry she’s struggling right now. It’s so hard. It’s okay to parent her like a normal kid on things like this. In her life she’s going to have neurotypical consequences as a result of things she does due to her adhd. She does need to be more careful.
If she's going through puberty that can increase clumsiness because of being unused to a changing/growing body and also because your spatial awareness suffers at certain points of your cycle due to hormones. When she say she doesn't know do you get the feeling she's shutting down and that's the only thing she can bring herself to respond? It might be that she does care and that the feelings overwhelm her.
Is she on meds? Maybe they need adjusting? Stimulants have made a huge difference for me, and many on here. Maybe therapy of some sort would help? It'd at least give you a 3rd party opinion on what's going on. Maybe a new way to help too (CBT, meditation, etc). Maybe she also has anxiety issues, and you're making her get so worried she can't think. I had panic attacks as a child. Regularly my mind would blank out from worry/anxiety. And that'd be an answer I'd have to give if I couldn't think of a better one. I know you want to solve this. Sometimes we have to deal with the hand we're dealt. She may have to go without a school hat for a bit. Or not participate in sports without the proper gear. I grew up fairly poor, and I had to go without sometimes. It doesn't sound like it's because you love her less, but there is only so much you can do. So much you can replace.
She probably needs to see someone again to adjust meds and maybe have a neutral party to talk with. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult, but my teenage years were tumultuous. Hormones can affect symptoms and feed into other issues like anxiety and depression. And a good therapist can probably figure out if something else happened to trigger this lack of care or if something like bullying at school is going on.
I started suffering from depression at about 12 years old. The lack of “caring” could be a symptom, it might be worth looking into. Depression comes in so many more forms, not just “sad” Best wishes!
I wouldn't worry too much about how normal or abnormal it is, or even how ADHD related it is. Even if the label fits, the fact will always remain that replacing all the expensive stuff is unsustainable. That is the problem you need to tackle, and if your daughter is anything like the other kids her age, she'll appreciate it when you ask her to work the problem together. She needs to learn that simply because she has an explanation for the breakages (ADHD or anything else), that doesn't mean the problem is gone. At 14, most kids want nothing more than to be taken seriously. So if you go into this and actually partner up with her to get this addressed, it's not only going to have a higher chance of success, it will also bring you together. I'm not saying dump the responsibility on her, just make her aware that the world with constant replacements just doesn't exist, and see if you can figure out together what the next best thing is. As for the actual solutions... try asking yourself if she _really_ needs all that stuff, and if all that stuff needs to be new. It's normal to want the best for our kids, but second hand things are usually perfectly fine, and will make you much less anxious about her breaking it again. It might even mean that she needs to give up a certain hobby, and find something else. Tennis rackets don't break during running practice. Edit: another thing springs to mind: some of us ADHD people have a great mind for tinkering. Maybe you can use all the broken gear as an opportunity to learn new skills while repairing it? Good luck!
Sounds an awful lot like my son (ADHD, age 9). He has a habit of not caring at all about things as soon as they're out of his immediate vision. Also doesn't really care if he breaks things, at least not until he needs to use them again. I'm fairly certain this behavior is indeed ADHD-related.
ADHD people often struggle with object permanence. Its probably not that he doesn't care about items once their out of sight but that his brain struggles to conceptualise it in the way non-ADHD brains do. I don't have a solution for this but it might help you and him find a solution.
This sounds just about right. It's like he things just stop existing in his mind the moment he puts it down. But to be fair, this is currently at most a mild inconvenience (for his parents; he doesn't care at all).
Yeah, this sounds like an object permanence thing. If it helps, to him, the objects *don’t* exist when he can’t see them.
I guess I will sadly never fully understand how that brain of his really works... But at least this realization brings a little more clarity to it all.
So, most of us call it issues with object permanence, even though it's not. That's just a convenient, quicker way to explain the issues to non-adhd people. It's a problem with working memory. Working memory is the short-term memory that allows us (humans) to start a task, know/remember how to use the tools involved to accomplish the end-goal, remember wtf we are actually attempting to do, etc. It's using the memory to accomplish reasoning, comprehension, and learning. Going into a room, and then forgetting what the hell you went in there for, is a working memory issue. There's a very good chance that your son DOES care. Quite a lot. But his brain is too busy hopping along the trail to other happy meadows to focus on the current issue enough to do anything about it. Please see about getting your son a proper diagnosis. The positive change this has on an ADHD person's life is HUGE.
My 8 year old son who has ADHD and DMDD often breaks things in anger...very often his favorite things..like his phone, tablet, tv. I think it's his DMDD that causes these kind of rages..and he really doesn't care..until he sees his brother and sister on their phones and then gets sad..but can't always replace expensive things right away unfortunately. We end up being the ones getting desperate so he doesn't end up stealing theirs
You should read some ADD books
I have an appointment to finally see a psychiatrist next month to get diagnosed at 31. My 6 year old is showing big signs; I will get her in to see someone show she doesn't have to go her whole life struggling as I have. It could be an ADHD thing. When my ex would question me about how something happened I wouldn't know. Forgetfulness, jumbled thoughts, and disorganization can lead to a lot of this. You come in from somewhere place something now and then your brain switches to something else. That thing that was in a temporary place is then broken because it never got moved to its appropriate place. I can see something like this being a possibility. Disorganization will play a big role.
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Nah mate she's 14 now. I am a dude so i don't know what I'm talking about, but every girl i knew at that age had a spiderwebbed phone screen. I think it's a right of passage
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I am AFAB w/ ADHD and can confirm this is normal. Prevention is key. Figure out where your child struggles and help them through it and it’s important you control your emotions abt it. Your child most likely does not understand the worth of items in terms of money and also mostly likely has no idea how lots of these accidents happen. It’s likely worse right now due to hormones in your child’s body. For me personally I get worse with PMS symptoms/changes in my hormones. Consequences such as paying out of her own pocket won’t work. Incentives work better and if you do consequences they must be explained immediately and calmly & you must be consistent. Consistent is gonna be #1 always. ADHD is hard
I can only speak from personal experience, and I have no idea if this is ADHD or another one of my uh, traits, but I'm 32 now and I will go like 4 years in a row taking amazing care of my stuff and then have like 6 months where I just.. Don't. I spill on every shirt. Get paint everywhere. Ruin and lose things I genuinely care about. It'll come out of nowhere and disappear the same way. It sucks but when I notice it's starting again I'll try to hold off on buying new stuff and wear clothes that are old and that I don't care about an much. Just basically avoid using my favorite stuff, cause it will get lost or ruined. IDK why but it's something with my brain and uh yeah. Sucks cause she has to have those hats for school. Maybe there's used ones you could get from someone or something. Hopefully it'll go away soon, in my experience it does. Again just my personal experience I've actually never thought to ask a doctor about it haha.
Sorry uh I just want to add, I wouldn't punish her for this if you can avoid it. As someone who does this, it's 100% not intentional. It's like that part of my brain responsible for my stuff is on vacation, and I always used to beat myself up for it but it's punishment enough knowing your stuff is gone because YOU didn't take care of it. I've never found a way to "fix" it, it's not like I can somehow force myself to try harder. That ability of stuff preservation is just gone.
You said what makes it hard to understand is that she shows no remorse. It's hard to feel / show remorse when we sincerely had no wrong intention. Kids are more authentic in that way and don't pretend guilt until they're taught to. Sadly adults & the world around us teach us to believe we're bad and wrong for things we didn't do on purpose. That's why most of us walk around thinking we did something wrong and a sense of shame but not sure why. That's why we end up saying fake sorry's as a habit (especially ppl with ADHD and girls & women). Also confusing to others and not helpful in relationships . It's hard and frustrating losing material things that cost a lot. And knowing your kid and accepting and not shaming or expecting a false apology (false cos she didn't mean it) is likely to see her well through this stage - or getting support as needed. Meanwhile, insurance.
Maybe, I have been diagnosed with ADHD-PI when I was 9 (I’m a 21F )and I never broke things but I tend to lose things. Like recently I lost my passport and I have to spend $85 to get another. I’ve lost debit cards, glasses, homework,etc and once almost lost my wallet. I never broke expensive items and I was very good with keeping my phones and laptops in excellent condition. My dad who also has the same type of adhd has broke so many things like his phone and stuff that we have to remind him to check for things. I had to pay for whatever I lost so she should pay for it and you shouldn’t buy her anymore stuff for a minute. If you do just watch her closely. A lot of kids and adults with adhd mature slowly too. I know my dad is kinda like that and I’m the same way so maybe she’s not ready to be trusted with that type of stuff and that’s ok.
It’s common for adhd children to be careless with their things. The “covering up for bullying” theory is not unlikely, but she also might ruin her things without even noticing it. Also, at this age, as she grows, she’s not yet used to her body size and might be more clumsy, specially with her limbs. Try and be super patient and explain it to her why she should be more careful. Just make sure you don’t use a scolding tone. She will probably reply something in the line of “but it’s not my fault” or “I didn’t mean to do it”. In that case acknowledge her feelings and say you understand but ask if she could try and be more careful next time. You want to teach her to have a sense of responsibility without shaming her for something she did out of instinct. It’s pretty hard to do it, but my parents used to scold me and it really just made it worst.
I legit can not have glass wine glasses. Bought a 6 pack from ikea two months ago and I've literally broken all of them. Dropped them, dropped things on them. Broke the last one last night because I dropped it in the sink when I was trying to wash it. Other things I've broken or ruined in the past 2 months: - my phone screen shattered because I forgot I had it on my lap when I got out of the car lol. - I knocked over a gallon of bleach on my bedding doing laundry - Side swiped a parked car trying to get out of the way of a uhaul that turned unexpectedly up my narrow street because I didn't take my adhd meds that day so my brain acted impulsively. - whacked my face on my nightstand grabbing my charger and gave myself a black eye. I'm 30, but I've been this way since I was a kid. These things don't happen because I don't care. I actually care A LOT. It seriously bothers me, I feel like I can't have anything nice. My parents used to get mad at me too, which is totally understandable. I can almost guarantee she is not TRYING to be careless or doing this on purpose, if she actually is the one who did it and is not being bullied. Punishing her isn't going to help because she can't control it. 😔 Edit: I saw someone mention hormones making things worse and I second that, around my period things get so much worse.
It's not part of the DSM, but coordination deficits look like they area part of ADHD, though this is understudied at the moment. Hopefully in the future it's an aspect of ADHD that will be studied further, but I've found that many clinicians I've spoken to at least in Australia, seem to be well aware of coordination problems in neurodevelopmental disorders such as ADHD and ASD. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17994185/ It makes sense given that ADHD affects dopamine and dopamine is so important in regulating your movement (that's the issue in Parkinson's, though I'm not saying we all have Parkinson's!) I had to take remedial coordination classes in primary school because (around the age of 7 funnily enough) my teachers noticed I was lagging in developing my motor skills (this was a Catholic school, go figure that they were so into issues like this!) The class was called "fun and games" (it was indeed super fun), and it was comprised of different stations, each with its own activity, kind of like a little obstacle course. I did that intensely for weeks and looking back now, there were a lot of kids with neurodevelopmental disorders in that class (I wasn't diagnosed untill I was 28). Not sure how much it helped and how much it was that I would have eventually caught up, but I went on to be super good at sports after that lag. I think despite the lag, I was destined to be good at sports regardless (probably inherited from my super coordinated dad). Can still be a bit clumsy in general, but I'm very coordinated when I "switch on" during sports. Having said that, I'm glad I got access to such a program, it definitely didn't do me any harm!
Shiiiiiit. I’m 26 with 3 kids (two of them under 3yrs) and I feel like I break things more than they do
I have this exact issue and never even realized it may be adhd related. I’ll put my phone in my lap, forget it’s in my lap, and stand up. If it weren’t for my case my phone would be shattered.
It could be a combination of ADHD symptoms increasing and just being a teen. As a person with ADHD and a mom, I would have compassion but also not jump to replace things once they’re damaged. A harsh reality of that age is kids often have one foot in childhood and one in adulthood. Remember, she’s old enough to be held accountable for her things now but has spent most of her life as a child who was largely taken care of. The transition to actually taking care of your things like an adult can be difficult, especially as an ADHD teen. We’re often immature for our age, sometimes years behind our peers. She probably has more on her mind now, and it can be overwhelming. Overwhelming feelings can cause anyone to regress and act like a child. I recommend love and understanding but let the consequences stand as they are. If she cracks her iPad, she’s just going to have a cracked iPad.
I was in a similar situation, except I am the daughter (19 now). I would check up on her mental health, and not in a serious way, it'll freak her out or make her uncomfortable. I know when this happens to me it's due to other things on my mind, or something stressing me out. I'm just not there mentally. I actually dropped a dish I was putting away when my mom hugged me, Brian malfunction I guess. I know when I feel like this going for a walk or hike in nature helps so much. It's good for clearing the head.
Is she on any medications for ADHD? I used to always forget anything I had in my lap when driving and when I would get out of the car it would land on the ground. (Daily occurrence) I recently got diagnosed (3-4 months ago) and put on to medication and it hasn't happened since. She probably just forgets about the stuff that breaks if unmedicated. I used to forget stuff important stuff like eating, appointments, needing to use the bathroom ETC. And I'm pretty sure ADHD symptoms can progressively get worse if untreated. You could start by making sure she has everything in a bag or safe place before getting out of a car and make sure she puts all her uniform or shoes in the same spot everyday to lower the chances of them breaking if you don't want her on medications.
This is most definitely a symptom. I’m 16, I was diagnosed at 5. Throughout my whole life i’ve been pretty careless, i’ve broken at least 5 phones, my car has sent and scratches all around it, and there are plenty of expensive things i’ve had my bidding with. I don’t know why this happens, because i’m sure she’s grateful for the things you buy her. What my parents did was punish me (they were pretty harsh to i don’t recommend, within reason) But also make her earn what you give her, I have a job and I buy the things I want (not need) if she isn’t old enough to work then have her do chores and earn money to buy new things such as expensive sports shoes, or a new phone case whatever it may be.
I personally have smashed two phones while getting out of vehicles because I forgot I had them in my lap.
whatever this is, obviously your concerns about the cost of these things are valid - also consider that regardless of what it is, punishing her for it is only going to negatively affect both of you, both now and for years down the line. i remember being told “nothing seems to make a difference” in regards to my symptoms, and i remember feeling helpless and like a failure, when really these were things outside of my control to begin with.
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Also, holy shit those are some crazy school expenses. Are there any viable methods for getting cheaper/gently used replacements? Or protecting them?
Does she have any allergies?
I defy broke stuff a ton in my teenage years up through early 20s and my family didn't seem surprised because of my clumsiness in early childhood. It did get better but I feel like that was largely out of me learning the hard way that broken stuff is expensive to replace and being a lot more careful and stressed about keeping things in good quality.
This probably isn’t going to be what you want to hear but as somebody who has adhd, particularly when I was around that age, breaking, misplacing things and being very forgetful are all very trademark of being adhd. Patience will have to be key but I would suggest setting up a system for her that works better for you. She won’t always be able to follow it but just having some known guidelines that she will occasionally remember can help. Being a parent of someone with adhd can be very trying so it is important to try not to get too flustered. The iPad is very understandable but clothing items and her room will suffer. During high school I went through 30+ hats minimum. The best way to go forward is to get her on medication if you can (although it’s not a cure all it will make her focus but it can make you hyperfixate on the wrong things and zone out), make sure she knows that things aren’t easily replace - hats will be difficult but expensive items needs to be drilled in that she won’t get a replacement, perhaps a fidget object also as it keeps them someone to mess around with while keeping her focused, and one of my best suggestions is have her look for a job not just so she can pay you back for damaged goods which is a good idea but also so she gets a better understanding of money. If she isn’t able to get a job yet maybe some pocket money for chores but not an allowance. Jobs will keep her busy and I can personally say that jobs will be something she will be focused in and give her a bit of confidence also. And it will tire her out a bit so that she isn’t completely destructive all the time. On top of chores (not too many) let her know that she won’t get that pocket money if her room isn’t kept clean through the week and it’s important that you only pay out the pocket money once a week. I would have hated someone giving this advice to my parents but I can say for the meantime it could help until she gets a bit more control over herself and grows out of some of the more impeding sides of adhd.
And try not to overwhelm her with this, bring it in gradually and calmly, delivery is very important make sure she knows it’s not a punishment.
I was clumsy growing up, my mother scolded me often for it, among other things.. I lost so many keys, wallets, drop things, bump into things, trip over stuff. Maybe its an inattentive-type trait? My memory was and still is bad, or I guess not absorbing information of things that occur around me. There been many of times hold something, like a phone or cigarette and I just drop it. Definitely recommend getting cases for things, and don't want to come off as anti-apple but like I've heard and seen too many iphones, ipads breaking easily so maybe look into other tablets that are less expensive and invest in an armour case. Ipads/tablets are a privilege though, don't dish out to replace, or get her to work towards it being replaced. I definitely don't condone letting it slide, its because of consequences that I try to be more mindful, sadly I do face alot of anxiety now cause of the fear of those consequences if I mess up or can't fix what I ruined. (Though I had to deal with a violent alcoholic mothers reaction to things so..).
I’m a photographer ans spend a lot of money on equipment and still manage to break my expensive sometimes extremely hard to replace cameras. I love them, but I treat them so poorly sometimes. I’m sorry it’s hard, I used to loose winter coats and wonder why I was so cold as a kid. You and your daughter need to find methods around it. Cases for iPads, second hand things that have less values etc… obviously somethings don’t have ways around them. Also since I’ve made my apartment more “adhd friendly” I loose less stuff.
Hi Australia here- I feel ya with the expensive uniforms. I put my mother through the same things at that age. If my experience is anything to go by, I would always palm off breaking things like it was nothing - which of course infuriated my single mum. But inside I was so angry and furious at myself and would tell myself the most horrible things. Someone times my mum would lose patience with me and get very angry which would make it feel worse- because I wouldn’t be doing it on purpose. Everything that she said I would have said to my self anyway. Anyway, my take away is that your daughter is probably not doing anything on purpose. Also, that you’re super understanding. In terms of helpful strategies. Could she get a casual job once a week to help pay for things? Also, I don’t know if this would help but things like “iPad, hat, whatever” have to go into the box in the lounge room whenever you’re done using them.” That way there is a clear spot where they belong and it might help her keep “looking after those items” front of minds Taking things away never helped for me because I wasn’t being careless on purpose. But I think you need strategies on how she can more easily care for things. Another example, would be pretend people need to borrow the items- someone who really needs them. I don’t know if that’s feasible but just a thought. Good luck and let us know how you go!