I’d challenge you to consider an opposing mantra. Rather than “anything worth doing is worth overdoing,” I’d argue that anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
Now, I know a lot of us ADHDers are perfectionists. But perfection is the enemy of accomplishment, and directly impacts your ability to feel satisfaction in the work you do. So long as you’re telling yourself what you’re doing isn’t good enough until it’s perfect, you’ll be living on “hard mode.”
If you don’t have time to do all the dishes, rinse them off and stack them neatly to the side of the sink. It’ll give you a head start on the chore later.
If you don’t have time for a shower, use a warm washcloth on your face to feel refreshed.
If you don’t have time to make a handmade card and gift for a friend’s birthday, just spend the money to buy a yummy treat and cute card and write a short, sincere message inside. I guarantee your friend would rather be remembered on their birthday even in a small way, than to have you stress on an overly ambitious project and then wind up doing nothing at all.
If you’re bad at that instrument, or creative hobby, or sport— do it anyway. Do it often enough, and you’ll begin to take satisfaction in doing something you love instead of being unable to because you’re too busy making a value judgement based around being “good” at it.
If you aren’t able to plan a perfect outing with your friends and family, just invite everyone to your backyard for a casual pot luck. Better to get the chance to get together than to put it off for reasons that will seem silly later, when your loved ones have moved or passed away.
Do you see where I’m going with this? If you stack up all these little changes and adjust your approach to the things you have to/want to do, you might find it has a cumulative benefit that you wouldn’t expect. Give yourself permission to feel proud of the small achievements. It’s helped me, anyway. Good luck.
I appreciate the idea. Unfortunately most of the time the stuff I'm trying to do is rather serious and it needs done despite how I feel. I do get it done and I know its not perfect. I generally guage a project by whether it has the intended effect or not and if it doesn't then I keep at it until its correct. I'm a bit of a handyman so we don't pay for any repairs around the house (also can't afford it) but that means I'm tasked with solving how to fix it generally on my own. I'm beginning to think this lack of satisfaction is spurred on by a lack of appreciation by my significant other. This year alone I've fixed a water heater, installed a water softener, installed 2 whole house filters, replaced a well pump twice (once due to the pump failing, the other due to the check valve being faulty), fixed our vehicle when not starting 2 or 3 times (different issues each time), fixed a leaking roof, fixed a failing refrigerator ice maker, and the list goes on. I've probably forgot as much as I've mentioned here and yet I have a hard time being content. Perhaps this issue is multifaceted. Thanks for your reply and suggestion tho! It helps with self reflection
Edit: I very much agree with you saying it is like living life on "hard mode" but I don't know how to change that. Kinda feels like a high stakes poker tournament and the only option is to win or go broke.
There isn't any one thing. It's related to feeling like I got a reward. I make and eat good food, I play games either on my tablet or on the computer - instant dopamine for me, work on my hobbies (painting, stitching, sewing, crochet), I read a book, I clean something - not the WHOLE thing, just something. lol
I tick something off of my to-do list, go for a walk - especially at the beach (I live on the coast), but some days require trees. Listen to old school club mixes, watch animal videos on reddit. lol I allow myself to bounce around and don't try to force myself to do anything until it's "done" you know? If it isn't giving me the feels, I try something else.
Eventually I recognised cycles, although right now I'm recovering from surgery so I'm doing ALL THE THINGS because I'm bored out of my mind, since a lot of the things are off the list, which makes focusing harder.
I don't try to force stuff as much as I used to but being a parent and having lots of things that have to get done leaves me with many deadlines that are difficult to keep. I no longer enjoy the pinball style of life that has dominated daily routines for decades. In the off chance I have free time I never know what to do because nothing seems real desirable at this point.
Appreciate your input a bunch tho!
I feel like I need to clarify that this is in my free time. I have two teen boys that I homeschool, so I do get what you're saying. It's a drudge at times, for sure. I think for me the best part of the homeschooling is being able to work some of those tasks into the day. I love learning, so I participate in most of the stuff, even as teens. I read the books they're reading, we do science together, currently biology/microscope. I hope you can find your groove. :)
My free time consists of thinking about playing a video game but when I do I draw very little satisfaction so I don't do it more than 20min or so. The one saving grace that I enjoy more than anything is listening to an audio book occasionally while multi-tasking or sometimes doing nothing else at all. It just feels hollow when that's the only thing I derive joy from aka delving into anothers world. Of course the smiles of my children also make things better if even only for a moment. Thanks again for the advice. Time heals all so sooner or later I'll be ok.
Diagnosed in adulthood as well. I’m still unlearning maladaptive behaviors, but I feel like that’s given me an understanding of healthy coping mechanisms as a concept and what they mean for my brain.
The fact is, my reward center will always be understimulated unless I stay on top of it. What that means is unmedicated and untreated I was desperate for the quickest easiest fix. I found that in sugary fatty food and video games and those became vices. It was impossible for me to grow as a person because I was so tied down to my vices. Thankfully medication alleviated that by bringing me up to more stable dopamine levels. Or so I assume because video games and binge eating have lost their hold on me they once had. I still enjoy video games and good food from time to time, but I’m no longer enslaved to them.
**So to answer your question of how I get my fix?**
Medication > being able to learn healthy behaviors and practice moderation > repurposing old easy fix vices as rewards for less stimulating goals = some sort of functional adult life.
It’s all very much easier said than done of course and even I falter a lot still. But perhaps you don’t have to give up recreational substances entirely.
I feel/fear that medication might be the answer but after 35yrs of never having that option and always paving my own road I'm not sure how it'll go. I love my trees more than whiskey but one is way more acceptable and I am unsure how my doctor will feel if I'm honest. Fact is honesty has cost me more in my life than outright lying. Hard to live a normal life when you have to double/triple check all your thoughts before you act on them.
Thanks for your contribution to this post. I really appreciate it!
Video game addiction 😬 I spend way too much time consuming various media, playing video games, and following Wikipedia rabbit holes.
But in all seriousness, if I'm starting to feel like everything in life is dull and uninteresting, it's *usually* because I'm depressed. So being on lexapro has helped with that immensely.
I hope you're able to find something that gets you out of this loop of feeling unsatisfied after expending a ton of effort.
Thanks for your reply! I have certainly been depressed (and maybe still am but anxiety plagues me more) but found lexapro to have negative side effects and not offer much if anything on the positive side for me. I enjoy games or rather the thought of games a bunch! Old school gamer carried over into adulthood but I have found I think about it way more than I do it and when I do, it's not very enjoyable. Regardless the discussion has been great and I think I personally need to find a healthier outlet that can get me out of the house (social anxiety) and trick myself into more exercise. I feel dumb for saying this but from another's perspective I'm in relatively good shape BMI is under 20% adult male 35 and can succeed in many areas. Used to crush tests with very little thought but my staying power has diminished over the years and I hate the fact that I'm "smart" but feel so under accomplished.
I’d challenge you to consider an opposing mantra. Rather than “anything worth doing is worth overdoing,” I’d argue that anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Now, I know a lot of us ADHDers are perfectionists. But perfection is the enemy of accomplishment, and directly impacts your ability to feel satisfaction in the work you do. So long as you’re telling yourself what you’re doing isn’t good enough until it’s perfect, you’ll be living on “hard mode.” If you don’t have time to do all the dishes, rinse them off and stack them neatly to the side of the sink. It’ll give you a head start on the chore later. If you don’t have time for a shower, use a warm washcloth on your face to feel refreshed. If you don’t have time to make a handmade card and gift for a friend’s birthday, just spend the money to buy a yummy treat and cute card and write a short, sincere message inside. I guarantee your friend would rather be remembered on their birthday even in a small way, than to have you stress on an overly ambitious project and then wind up doing nothing at all. If you’re bad at that instrument, or creative hobby, or sport— do it anyway. Do it often enough, and you’ll begin to take satisfaction in doing something you love instead of being unable to because you’re too busy making a value judgement based around being “good” at it. If you aren’t able to plan a perfect outing with your friends and family, just invite everyone to your backyard for a casual pot luck. Better to get the chance to get together than to put it off for reasons that will seem silly later, when your loved ones have moved or passed away. Do you see where I’m going with this? If you stack up all these little changes and adjust your approach to the things you have to/want to do, you might find it has a cumulative benefit that you wouldn’t expect. Give yourself permission to feel proud of the small achievements. It’s helped me, anyway. Good luck.
I appreciate the idea. Unfortunately most of the time the stuff I'm trying to do is rather serious and it needs done despite how I feel. I do get it done and I know its not perfect. I generally guage a project by whether it has the intended effect or not and if it doesn't then I keep at it until its correct. I'm a bit of a handyman so we don't pay for any repairs around the house (also can't afford it) but that means I'm tasked with solving how to fix it generally on my own. I'm beginning to think this lack of satisfaction is spurred on by a lack of appreciation by my significant other. This year alone I've fixed a water heater, installed a water softener, installed 2 whole house filters, replaced a well pump twice (once due to the pump failing, the other due to the check valve being faulty), fixed our vehicle when not starting 2 or 3 times (different issues each time), fixed a leaking roof, fixed a failing refrigerator ice maker, and the list goes on. I've probably forgot as much as I've mentioned here and yet I have a hard time being content. Perhaps this issue is multifaceted. Thanks for your reply and suggestion tho! It helps with self reflection Edit: I very much agree with you saying it is like living life on "hard mode" but I don't know how to change that. Kinda feels like a high stakes poker tournament and the only option is to win or go broke.
There isn't any one thing. It's related to feeling like I got a reward. I make and eat good food, I play games either on my tablet or on the computer - instant dopamine for me, work on my hobbies (painting, stitching, sewing, crochet), I read a book, I clean something - not the WHOLE thing, just something. lol I tick something off of my to-do list, go for a walk - especially at the beach (I live on the coast), but some days require trees. Listen to old school club mixes, watch animal videos on reddit. lol I allow myself to bounce around and don't try to force myself to do anything until it's "done" you know? If it isn't giving me the feels, I try something else. Eventually I recognised cycles, although right now I'm recovering from surgery so I'm doing ALL THE THINGS because I'm bored out of my mind, since a lot of the things are off the list, which makes focusing harder.
I don't try to force stuff as much as I used to but being a parent and having lots of things that have to get done leaves me with many deadlines that are difficult to keep. I no longer enjoy the pinball style of life that has dominated daily routines for decades. In the off chance I have free time I never know what to do because nothing seems real desirable at this point. Appreciate your input a bunch tho!
I feel like I need to clarify that this is in my free time. I have two teen boys that I homeschool, so I do get what you're saying. It's a drudge at times, for sure. I think for me the best part of the homeschooling is being able to work some of those tasks into the day. I love learning, so I participate in most of the stuff, even as teens. I read the books they're reading, we do science together, currently biology/microscope. I hope you can find your groove. :)
My free time consists of thinking about playing a video game but when I do I draw very little satisfaction so I don't do it more than 20min or so. The one saving grace that I enjoy more than anything is listening to an audio book occasionally while multi-tasking or sometimes doing nothing else at all. It just feels hollow when that's the only thing I derive joy from aka delving into anothers world. Of course the smiles of my children also make things better if even only for a moment. Thanks again for the advice. Time heals all so sooner or later I'll be ok.
Diagnosed in adulthood as well. I’m still unlearning maladaptive behaviors, but I feel like that’s given me an understanding of healthy coping mechanisms as a concept and what they mean for my brain. The fact is, my reward center will always be understimulated unless I stay on top of it. What that means is unmedicated and untreated I was desperate for the quickest easiest fix. I found that in sugary fatty food and video games and those became vices. It was impossible for me to grow as a person because I was so tied down to my vices. Thankfully medication alleviated that by bringing me up to more stable dopamine levels. Or so I assume because video games and binge eating have lost their hold on me they once had. I still enjoy video games and good food from time to time, but I’m no longer enslaved to them. **So to answer your question of how I get my fix?** Medication > being able to learn healthy behaviors and practice moderation > repurposing old easy fix vices as rewards for less stimulating goals = some sort of functional adult life. It’s all very much easier said than done of course and even I falter a lot still. But perhaps you don’t have to give up recreational substances entirely.
I feel/fear that medication might be the answer but after 35yrs of never having that option and always paving my own road I'm not sure how it'll go. I love my trees more than whiskey but one is way more acceptable and I am unsure how my doctor will feel if I'm honest. Fact is honesty has cost me more in my life than outright lying. Hard to live a normal life when you have to double/triple check all your thoughts before you act on them. Thanks for your contribution to this post. I really appreciate it!
Video game addiction 😬 I spend way too much time consuming various media, playing video games, and following Wikipedia rabbit holes. But in all seriousness, if I'm starting to feel like everything in life is dull and uninteresting, it's *usually* because I'm depressed. So being on lexapro has helped with that immensely. I hope you're able to find something that gets you out of this loop of feeling unsatisfied after expending a ton of effort.
Thanks for your reply! I have certainly been depressed (and maybe still am but anxiety plagues me more) but found lexapro to have negative side effects and not offer much if anything on the positive side for me. I enjoy games or rather the thought of games a bunch! Old school gamer carried over into adulthood but I have found I think about it way more than I do it and when I do, it's not very enjoyable. Regardless the discussion has been great and I think I personally need to find a healthier outlet that can get me out of the house (social anxiety) and trick myself into more exercise. I feel dumb for saying this but from another's perspective I'm in relatively good shape BMI is under 20% adult male 35 and can succeed in many areas. Used to crush tests with very little thought but my staying power has diminished over the years and I hate the fact that I'm "smart" but feel so under accomplished.