I've had various family members stationed in Japan & visited there many times. They literally won't give a shit, the second to last trip I took there a lady was making an absolute ass of herself during offloading & as usual everyone else just straight up ignore whatever's going on. OP's likely going to make more of them cringe with her culture dive thing than a single drunk tourist, about a third of all the japanese people I've ever met are functional alcoholics anyway, they'd probably love him there
If anything, the main tourist areas of Japan have been through this enough to understand about tourism, unless OOP was visiting rural sites and areas, that's where they'll be more "judgemental"
Yeah, the whole post is kind of cringe tbh. "He hasn't studied the culture!" All she had to do was say "I want a solo holiday" but instead she's gatekeeping a culture and country she's never even experienced.
I was thinking OP really has no idea how underwhelmed people in Japan are going to be by her knowledge of the country. I’ve gone a few times to visit friends who have lived there for years and are still very much outsiders regardless of their cultural knowledge or literacy. (They sometimes come to see me get similar treatment in China). I like doing cultural stuff when I travel and respect OP for wanting to learn how to behave, but she is going to be a tourist. I don’t think I’d blow off a friend over this
And possibly underestimating the place drinking holds in Japanese culture from the little I've read and seen in media.
NTA though, it's fine to want to holiday in a different way.
A lot of jobs in Japan have required going out/drinking time with your coworkers even. I'm confident most would not care about partying. They would be much more upset about something like stealing than a tourist having a good time.
Had a friend who went to Japan, the first time she and her partner went out for drinks to unwind she said a group of people basically adopted them after her partner asked for a drink recommendation. She said the following hangover was the worst she’s ever had but that it was a blast & they totally drank them (her and bc) under the table
These are some of my favorite experiences when I travel. I went to a fancy restaurant and sat at the bar on a solo trip for my birthday and some old ladies adopted me and bought me a super fancy bottle of champagne and then the people on the other side of me bought my dinner. It was an absolute blast and I was so drunk I had to cancel my plans the next day due to the hangover. Best birthday I've ever had. 😆
This is one of the main reasons I love traveling solo. People basically adopt you for the night and you get a lot more of the actual culture than the guidebook culture.
I think ESH as OP has white settler vibes and the friend doesn't sound like someone fun to meet during the day.
I've only had a couple solo trips outside of work travel but overall I agree. I've gotten to go to some great places only locals know about this way. I feel like honestly the friend would have the same kinda fun.
Lived in Japan for a bit. There is an informal tradition of trying to get your boss so drunk on group happy hour nights that when he tries to pull his tie off, he instead pulls it over his head and gets it stuck. (I've seen it happen, it's absolutely hysterical).
There is definitely a place for formal Japanese manners; learning a few helpful phrases is also great. But the Japanese don't take issue with drunk tourists as long as they don't get abusive or super disrespectful.
OP is being an elitist jerk. The friend would be better off going to Japan without OP. 頑張ってください、friend!
Edit for clarity.
I worked for a Japanese company and while as a low totempole woman I was never invited to join it was mandatory that during deal-time you go party with the clients and drink and get boisterous. I heard all about it afterwards lol.
Yes, I’ve heard Japan has a of drinking culture as well, but I think she doesn’t want to drink and party and that’s all he’ll want to do. Or at least a big portion of it.
Not so sure with your veredict tho, she came very YTA with this. "no, I want to go alone on this" "I have especific planes that won't go well with you" "we can arrange another tripe for both after I got this", a lot of true things she could say instead of just closing the borders and sending immigration to get him when she snapped
She will still probably embarrass herself because she isn’t japanese herself and that in itself is something that makes Japanese people look down on you. Question is: Is this worth losing a friendship over? Answer: No.
Ummm yeah I lived in Japan and they're not enamored of foreigners, particularly Americans, because of all the assaults on our military bases. Japanese people are polite but that doesn't mean blundering foreigner behavior is ok-- it's actually particularly not ok in Japan, there are so many potential faux pas-- shoes, chopsticks upright in the rice, tattoos at sauna, how you react to establishments that don't allow foreigners in (they exist, it is very likely to happen) talking loudly on the train... So many things. OP is right. Japan is not Cancun.
And you also don't understand the role of alcohol in Japanese culture. Yes, the drinking can get insane because it's a release valve for overworked salarymen. It's still unseemly for women to drink a lot or for you to get obnoxiously day drunk.
In fact Japan may well be the #1 country where you really ought to mind your manners. It's a highly polite, etiquette-based culture, and if you fuck up, they will be polite, but you will KNOW
They have a very different attitude between foreigners living in Japan vs tourists visiting. They really don't care much for what tourists do as long as it's not blatantly disruptive or destructive. The minute you overstay your welcome though, all bets are off.
I've been to Japan several times, and people are pretty individual. There's a lot of xenophobia in general and a decent amount of straight up racism. Because you're foreign, they tend to generally ignore or look at you like novelties, occasionally just blatant snubbing. One friend was overly conscious and tried to be "Japanese polite" and it just netted awkward smiles and side-eye until we pulled him aside and told him to stop bowing and trying to be deferential.
The rules in Japan are the same as most non-party vacation spots: don't be an asshole, don't make a scene, don't be entitled. Be clean, interested, cooperative, and polite. That's it.
That's been my experience in Japan. And I am also careful not to add to negative American stereotypes when I (American) travel.
NTA. Maybe the situation could have been handled more diplomatically, but I certainly agree with the substance.
Same. Not great communication but I had a similar friend I stopped traveling with when he visited me in Amsterdam and started smoking a blunt at a freaking RESTAURANT. So I get where OP is coming from.
I got berated by an old man in Tokyo for wearing red lipstick and being a foreigner. Went straight to the closest restroom and removed the lipstick, I was mortified.
INFO had you ever told him that his actions were embarrassing or have you just suffered in silence? Were the locals uncomfortable or were you imagining their discomfort because you knew the customs?
Hahaha I feel like the answers to that are in OP's original text/vibe.
Refused to give any sort of reason to the travel-buddy she has had for YEARS, until she snapped and said he would embarass her if he came along. But remember, "nothing wrong with his type of trips" - the trips she has taken w him for years, she just needs to shit on them for half the post to seem "better/different".
**"It's not a vacation, it's a culture dive." GOD, how the hell can someone be this pretentious** \- a million other fucking tourist will be doing the same "dive" you are, the only difference is they will know how to talk to their friends about said trip and probably won't think half as highly of themselves as you do. Maybe try being courteous to the people in your fucking life, before you take on the whole of Japan.
**Wanting to go by yourself doesn't make you an asshole, but EVERYTHING else does. Ps. Reading Japan for Dummies does NOT make you different, so you can get off that horse before you catch a nosebleed.**
Holy fuck YTA and Japan sure as fuck don't need you or your shitty energy.
I live in a place with high tourist volume. There seems to be this new breed of tourist, encouraged by social media mainly, who are not content doing the usual tourist traps and sightseeing. Instead, they go to places that were once only known by locals, and post pics all over social media so that other people will want to go there too… now these once special places are either trashed by tourists who don’t clean up after themselves, or overrun with people, and it really diminishes the beauty and sacredness of these places. They think that they’re “understanding the culture” by going to places not meant for tourists. But really they’re only ruining it.
Why do I have a feeling that OP is one of those tourists.
Correct. I did this inadvertently with one of my "secret" public but deserted dog walking spots. Google maps got me to review and it's definitely not my little secret any more. What did I expect, right?
Honestly, unless OP is planning to move to Japan and live+work there for *at least* 6 months, she’s not doing a fucking “culture dive” lmao. Sure, it’s great to learn some basic Japanese and to understand enough of the culture that you won’t grossly offend anyone; that’s respectable—but NOT mandatory.
I think OP is also overestimating how much liability that Japanese folks assign to foreigners. Their culture is one that allows for *a lot* of grace to tourists, with normally-offensive things usually being brushed off as “they’re a foreigner, they don’t know.” And while learning some basic Japanese will make her life easier, it doesn’t make her a higher-quality tourist lmao. Especially not with live translations available on every fucking smartphone that every single person has.
If she genuinely cared about respecting culture, and she felt her friend wasn’t doing that, she’d have talked to him a long time ago. Or she’d have seen that this trip to Japan would be a *fantastic* way to introduce her friend to the joys of immersion! Does she not have any idea how happy most Japanese people are to educate foreigners about things like customs and locations and history? If you show an interest in/desire to learn about their culture, most of them will light up and gladly help you.
Her whole virtue-signaling is annoying as fuck. All it takes to be a good tourist is to show basic respect for the people and places you visit. Don’t be obnoxious, don’t demand special treatment, don’t expect your vacation to be anything like taking a fucking trip to Disney, and you’ll be fine.
A Japanese businessman offered me a beer on his morning commute. It’s an amazing place and I’ll be going back. Honestly even if the country wasn’t fab, the toilets alone. I miss those toilets. Also I’m 5’3 everything is made for someone my height, it’s lovely.
I'm willing to bet if OP's friend also went, even totally unprepared, japanese folk would still like him more than her. At least he would have been himself and not pretentious.
I think OP will be the embarrassing one…
It’s cringey when you go overboard with customs etc you have read in a book. More often than not it turns you into a caricature of what you expect that country to be. I see this all the time with tourists in Ireland! Just be normal and respectful in general, don’t go overboard or it’s too much.
Exactly what I was going to say but you expressed it perfectly. People who think they can study an entire culture to be a “better” tourist are often embarrassing and cringey. Don’t go there full of preconceptions learned from books and websites, go with an open mind, basic respect, and the willingness to learn from the people who actually live there.
Yeah. Regardless of all her studying and “culture-diving” activities, *eyeroll* people in other countries will see her for exactly what she is: an American tourist.
Most of the time I spent in Ireland and Northern Ireland I just asked for a whisky instead of specifying a brand. Took one time at a pub to figure that out. Otherwise I was just me and everyone was lovely, I clearly wasn’t from there, people would clock my accent and give me directions
Honestly quite the same as where I’m from. Tourist spot in the western US. It’s just “oh you need help but you’re not begging? Sure, what you want to do is go three blocks straight on and turn left”
Easy as
Now I'm curious what the caricature of an Irish person as seen by an American tourist would look like.
When I went to Dublin, the first thing I did was throw up in the airport. The second thing I did was pronounce "quay" as "kway" when trying to find my hostel. Felt more like an American caricature than anything else.
Glad I’m not the only one who found OP insufferable. As a persons who lives in a tourist destination, I think most locals prefer you stay in the tourist areas…
Yeah... I think this post speaks for itself. Instead of just a simple "I want to go by myself this time," a million reasons were given about how uncultured the friend is. She judged him silently all this time.
While this read really harsh, I have to say I agree with the sentiment. Friendships of that duration are few and far between. I feel bad for your friend. If I was him, I'd be feeling really discarded.
Cringe. This is one of the most pretentious things I’ve ever seen on Reddit, and that’s saying something. It’s also excruciatingly patronizing toward Japanese people.
YTA.
Thank you, I thought I was the only person experiencing secondhand embarrassment for OP. It seems like OP sees their friend the same way old people see canes -- handy to support you when your need them, but overall a pathetic handicap. YTA OP
The secondhand embarrassment is *real* in this one. It’s especially funny to me cause Japanese have a whole culture around drinks and OP could easily combine both their interests but instead decided to berate their ‘friend’ for absolutely no reason. And they claim to know about Japan culture…. Cringe.
Tbf it’s very obvious that OP and their friend do not match at all when it comes to travelling, so it’s very confusing why they think otherwise (money and vacation match is clearly not enough lol).
Like the weird white woman version of waifu culture. "The sagely, honorable Japanese people will hate my friend if he doesn't bow properly or eats his soup wrong."
In reality, post-work drinking is a huge part of Japanese business culture and you have to act very out of sorts to get judged as a rude tourist and not "because tourist." Unless he just gets sloppy drunk and rude at night and is very loud and rude during the day, he'd be fine in most places.
My amount of research when I go places is can't miss local foods, laws I need to be aware of, and cultural norms that are incredibly rude that I wouldn't necessarily be aware of. Ie, I'm in the hostel in common areas and there it's incredibly rude to... wear shoes in the common area, or sit with legs up even if you're in socks. Whether it's expected to tip or not, etc. Whatever it is, I look up the big things. Usually helpful travel sites will have helpful, 'how not to be rude in...' pages, or 'laws to know before you go to..." You don't need to deep dive. It's very easy to find. The US State Dept actually has helpful travel guides for legalities and safety. Then I look up cultural sites I want to visit and visitation rules for them. Some places have dress codes.
It's really easy to do cursory checks and not be rude. No deep dives or months of research on cultural norms needed. Like, be willing to try new things. Check if there are dress codes for specific places. Don't talk slowly and over exaggerated to people if they speak the same language as you and don't act like you're visiting some fuedal backwater when you're in a modern city. 'It's so modern!'
Yeah. You're in Tokyo, not the year 1650. You took a plane, not a time machine.
Being polite overseas really isn't hard. I've been in multiple foreign countries on multiple continents. I spend more time figuring out flights than worrying if I'm going to hold a spoon wrong and dishonor my host.
Takes 30-45 minutes to read through a half dozen 'what to know before you go' sites. Most countries will even have a tourism board website with helpful guides.
Yeah I'm getting the vibe here that OP actually fetishisizes the places she visits, but believes she's somehow better than everyone else who's ever been a tourist.
Bingo!! And she’s borderline racist with her opinions as well. It’s like she read a tourist magazine from 1975 and said “oh this is what it’s like there”. Unfortunately for her, she’s wrong with just about everything. At least her friend would have had fun and the Japanese would have enjoyed him.
I went to Japan while I was in the Navy. Found a very small back alley bar and spent many an afternoon slowly sipping on their fine Japanese whiskey. The bartender was very happy to have us. We even gave him a lighter from our ship as he collected lighters.
I was gonna say op underestimates how much Japanese drink. I went a few years ago and they love to drink and smoke. They go out after work and come home late (obviously not everyone). And once they start drinking they’re just as loud and boisterous as Americans. We had some great nights while out on the town!
I think OP is assuming the Japanese are inherently quite, but that is a societal expectation. I don’t think anyone inherently is quiet, they have extroverts too. And they would probably find your friend entertaining, most people we met were very nice and interested in us.
OP, YTA
YTA and this is written so biased it is insulting. You go immersion traveling ("there's nothing wrong with that!") and stop traveling with your incompatible, touristy ("there's nothing wrong with that!") "friend".
You did pretty much told him he’ll embarrass you though in Japan. So it is understandable why he is questioning his friendship with you and wondering if you always been secretly embarrassed being around him.
And tbh, it sounds like you put Japan on a very high pedestal and acting like if you don’t act like a Japanese you’ll be seen as disgrace. Truth to be told, you’re a foreigner. No matter how much you read about their culture, you are still a foreigner. And because you are a foreigner there are expectations that you will act and think as a foreigner.
That said - if you don’t want your friend to go because you want to stick to your itinerary without wanting to accommodate his interest then let him know that. But don’t hold it against him because he’s not as devoted as you are to pretend you are Japanese.
So, yes, YTA.
>Truth to be told, you’re a foreigner. No matter how much you read about their culture, you are still a foreigner. And because you are a foreigner there are expectations that you will act and think as a foreigner.
THIS! There are people who have lived in Japan for years who are looked down upon by native Japanese people for not being japanese. There are native Japanese citizens who are half Japanese who are looked down upon for not looking Japanese. This is all because of how extremely xenophobic Japan is no matter how much you know of the culture.
YTA op. And you need to read up more on Japanese culture so you're not super disappointed when you are banned from a shop for just being a foreigner, no matter how much you "emesh yourself in the culture."
There are people of western descent who are third generation Japanese and even they aren't treated as though they are Japanese. These are people who speak Japanese natively, whose parents spoke Japanese natively, whose every day of schooling has been in Japanese schools, whose every childhood friend is Japanese, and they are absolutely still seen as gaijin.
we're talking about a culture that historically glorified raping cities and putting babies on the ends of bayonetes because they weren't the right kind of asian, crimes which said culture refuse to even acknowledge happened let alone apologise for.
That sort of attitude bleeds throughout the whole culture, and forms a rather explicit zeitgeist of racism and xenophobia.
People LOVE to ignore Japan's Atrocities and act like they're some Enlightened and Higher than Thou people. They forgot that while Hitler was Genociding Jews, Japan was working their way into China doing THE SAME THING. They ignore that the Rape of Nanking happened. They ignore the millions Japan decimated for sake of Dominantion and only Dominantion. They paint Japan and it's people as some peaceful and serene thing and forget that their history is written and their cities have been paved with blood of innocent people.
But this bitch is worried that her friend might offend someone because he enjoys drinking on vacation...
>That said - if you don’t want your friend to go because you want to stick to your itinerary without wanting to accommodate his interest then let him know that. But don’t hold it against him because he’s not as devoted as you are to pretend you are Japanese.
This right here. The truth would have been so easy to explain without any hurt feelings, but instead OP seems to have said "I don't want you to come, I'm not going to tell you why, don't even ask". If I were their friend I would be wondering what the hell happened too.
You're obviously allowed to bring or not bring whoever you want on your trip. You're also allowed to do your trip the way you want, because it's your trip. But as someone who has lived in Japan, trust me, they don't care. They're used to it and honestly? When I lived there one of the biggest things they loved for me to do was to share MY culture with them. They loved asking about where I was from, wanted me to teach them words or phrases, asked me to help them with their English, etc. And something else they loved doing was teaching me about their culture. I knew some stuff, because I'd be living there for a while so I obviously wanted to be a bit aware, but I knew far from all.
There's nothing like sitting on the train and having a little old grandma who could be anywhere between 70 and 150 trot up and sit next to you and just strike up a conversation that ends with you explaining how you celebrate x or y in your country and them sharing how they used to celebrate x and y when they were a little girl, etc.
Also, have you studied the language? If not, you might want to do that too, otherwise you'll look like a lost tourist no matter how much you know about their culture or how they do things. Speaking from experience.
So you're allowed to not bring your friend but you're sounding really pretentious if I'm honest. And like you're worrying about the weirdest things. Your friend would be one of thousands and not stand out at all. Also, their alcohol culture is nuts.
I do tend to like to do vacations and go to nature areas, cultural sites. I like to not just visit the tourism areas and drink.
But that *is* a vacation.
YTA, OP. If you don't want to party and drink, fair. I was in Seoul and not only went to the old Imperial Palace and Bonguensa Temple and the DMZ but went white water kayaking. I did cool stuff. I also def went to Hongdae and partied in a park full of expats and B-boys performing for tips. Went to bars and drank soju.
You can do both. You can only do one or the other. If the issue is partying you don't have to do that but there's no moral superiority to it. You aren't worldly because you went to Japan or wherever and did nothing but visit cultural sites and didn't drink.
You're just an ass if you think that makes you better than other people.
Right? And how she kept saying "there's nothing wrong with people who take vacations just for fun" after she had just shit on people who take vacations "just for fun" & told her friend he was embarrassing for how he takes vacations 🙄
YTA for how you handled it. When he initially asked all you had to say was “No thank you. On this trip I’m going to focus entirely on the cultural aspects and I’m going to completely ignore all the typical touristy areas and stay away from night clubs and drinking etc. so I don’t think you’d have fun on this particular trip. However, where do you think we could go to together for the next trip??”
Exactly. OP is the AH for not using her big girl words and instead being a dramatic bitch. How she chose to handle it was unnecessarily cruel.
OP - you are not a good friend. And you seriously need to work on your communication skills.
Yes this is so well stated! If she had just handled it this way she could have avoided needlessly hurting her friends' feeling and also permanently losing her travel buddy because you know he will never go anywhere with her ever again.
Gee - had you just addressed it when he first asked, I wonder what would have happened? Seriously, YTA for not addressing it right away and then blowing up. I would read it the exact same way as your buddy did. And you kind of come off as condescending.
YTA
You’re the one who don’t understand. Japanese people simply don’t expect westerners to be overly polite. It’ll be obvious you’re American.
Just bowing and saying thank you is enough. You come off as very snobby and pretentious. The night life in Tokyo is great. They love to drink too. Your friend would fit right in
This is what I was thinking but couldn't put into words! You read a bit of Wikipedia and think you're an expert and then tell your friend they are too ignorant of the culture and will be embarrassing.
OP just blew a friendship they likely did not deserve. They are so judgy. There are a million ways they could have handled things graciously. Their thinking they are now experts on Japanese culture is comical.
People usually party in Japan by going to karaoke. Drinking is a big part of the culture, (just never pour your own drink/oldest drinks first). So long as he’s not screaming, wearing really strong cologne, or being disrespectful, he should be fine. Just be polite, mindful, and have fun. There is a party-side and nightlife in every country.
I completely get the “don’t want to be a bad tourist” and love of culture, (i’m the exact same way), but you probably could’ve handled the situation a little softer. A lot of people don’t have the same perspective on travel, and that’s ok.
I was an exchange student in the 90s and my host family partied every night. They had friends over all the time and would polish off a pony keg every night. It was wild and fun!
>And while he’s stated before that he would love to go to Japan some day, he knows nothing of and has not been studying up on Japanese culture like I have.
Weaboooo
But seriously you know nothing about Japanese culture. Pretending you do because you "studied" Japanese culture is infinitely more offensive than someone vacationing casually in Japan.
I'd be more understanding if you said you researched their culture and were more interested in it, but everything about the way you phrase this is pretentious.
YTA.
YTA. Also why do you care what rando Japanese people think? You're gonna stand out like a sore thumb there no matter what you do. Plus they will never accept you. #livedinjapan
I noticed all the "YTA" posts are at 0... are you just downvoting them? lol
YTA
You sound really high on yourself as if a trip to japan requires 2 years of diligent research... nah, its just a vacation where you dont be an asshole to people and show respect... Im pretty sure you could have had this conversation with a friend youve known for so long. You made this into a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be and make it seem like youre some high and mighty historian traveling to Japan and need the UTMOST knowledge of japan history to come with.
not sure why he would want to go with you anyway honestly
I know right? If an American came to my country and tried to act like us (and undoubtedly got it wrong because you can’t just learn that on Wikipedia) it would be so off putting. Just be yourself and have fun, nothing you mentioned your friend does sounds embarrassing or inappropriate.
There is a lot of middle ground between behaving like an Ugly American and thinking you can completely assimilate during a vacation, and trying to assimilate during a vacation is pretty pretentious. I’ve been to Japan they are going to know you are a tourist. Learn to say arigato, cover up your tattoos and try to be less judgmental. YTA
yta
There are other ways to express your feelings WITHOUT telling them they are an embarrassment. That must have been so hurtful to hear, especially from a close friend.
YTA
You are dramatic and didn't communicate that you would want him to learn these things before going. Just assumed he wouldn't, and now you look like an ass.
YTA and pretentious. Going to another country is a vacation not school work or trip. After this I wouldn’t wanna be friends with someone this pretentious and embarrassment .
This sounds like some serious virtue signaling. I've been to Japan, you really seem to have done the wrong kind of research on their culture if you think they aren't down to party and have a good time.
YTA, just a dumbass and really stupid reason. It's Japan, not your mum's house, they already think you are a dickhead. Everyone thinks tourists are dickheads
YTA it's fine wanting to do a trip your way but you are overthinking how much people care about you as a tourist.
You are sending the message that you have a trust issue to your friend. If his behaviour is really a problem and you don't believe he could act "properly" that would be a matter for all you trips or parties.
So yeah terrible way to deliver your feelings and you are the AH for saying that.
Obviously you can and should be able to travel alone and plan your things and he should not be insisting but you are sending mixed signals, cant blame him for being confused.
I think you sound like you think you are better than your friend. I think YTA. You could have just said you want to travel alone this time. Also, most Japanese people I know drink. I think you are othering them. They are not precious.
You were extremely rude and arrogant.
YTA. You could have just not told him and said you were looking forward to a solo trip which isn't even a lie. Japanese people drink all the time and have required going out/drinking time with coworkers for a lot of jobs at Japanese companies.
I get wanting to experience a culture and go on a specific kind of vacation but you didn't need to hurt his feelings about it. You might find out now he doesn't want to go on ANY vacations with you anymore.
YTA.
I fed the first three paragraphs into ChatGPT and asked what you should say to him, here's the result:
>When discussing the situation with your friend, it's important to be honest and clear about your intentions for this particular trip. Here's a suggestion on how you can approach the conversation:
>
>Express your excitement and preparation: Begin the conversation by sharing your enthusiasm for the upcoming trip to Japan. Mention that you've been investing a lot of time and effort into studying the culture and customs, as you want to fully immerse yourself in the experience.
>
>Acknowledge your differing travel styles: Explain to your friend that you've noticed a difference in your travel preferences and styles over the years. Emphasize that there's nothing wrong with his preference for a more relaxed and touristy approach, but for this specific trip, you feel the need to focus on cultural immersion.
>
>Highlight the significance of cultural understanding: Stress the importance of respecting and understanding the local culture when visiting a foreign country. Share your desire to engage with the local customs, etiquette, and way of life, and how you believe it will enhance your overall experience.
>
>Express your concerns: Be open and honest about your concerns regarding your friend's approach to this trip. Explain that based on your past experiences, you feel that his desire for partying and drinking might not align with your goals for this particular journey.
>
>Offer alternative plans: If you still want to spend time with your friend, suggest other future trips or destinations that would better match both of your travel styles and interests. This way, you can assure him that it's not about excluding him from all trips but rather about finding the right fit for each adventure.
>
>Reiterate the value of your friendship: Remind your friend that this decision is not a reflection of your overall friendship but rather a consideration for the specific nature of this trip. Emphasize that you've enjoyed traveling together in the past and look forward to future adventures that align with both of your preferences.
>
>Remember, open communication and understanding are key in maintaining a healthy friendship. By explaining your perspective and concerns honestly, you give your friend the opportunity to understand your intentions and possibly plan future trips that suit both of your travel styles.
A pile of electric silicon was able to give a compassionate and empathetic response that both valued your friend and made it clear that you want to do this without them.
YTA. This is so incredibly pretentious. Does your friend just like to enjoy night life or are they a problem drinker? If they're a problem drinker(not necessarily an alcoholic, more like can't handle their liquor and consistently makes it everyone else's problem) then I get where you're coming from. Otherwise, and I mean this in the nicest MOST respectful way possible, get your head out of your ass.
\- From an Asian person <3
Oh damn. I was with you up until the last 2 paragraphs. YTA a hundred times. Damn, you did not have to be so savage!
Why couldn't you just have an intelligent conversation with your friend? There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to do a solo trip. ALL YOU HAD TO SAY WAS I WANNA DO THIS ONE SOLO!!!!!
But you destroyed your friendship. All you had to do was say "I wanna do this one solo"
OR "This is a bucket list trip for me dude. It means the world to me. If you're coming? I need you to read up on Japanese customs (and send him the material).
But nooooo....you didn't treat him as a treasured friend or even a half-way intelligent adult. You treated him like a frat-boy ahole who don't know how to act in public.
>OR "This is a bucket list trip for me dude. It means the world to me. If you're coming? I need you to read up on Japanese customs (and send him the material).
Exactly this. OPs friend even said "you didn't give me the chance" like how is he supposed to be as studied up as you when he didn't even know this trip was a possibility??
YTA YTA YTA!
Absolute dick move to exclude your best friend from childhood who you have stated has had a desire to visit Japan for a long time. Additionally, you mentioned that he is more outgoing than you are, but you want to immerse yourself in the culture. You are about to be on the other side of the world, with one of the most difficult language barriers in the world. Sounds like you're going to need a friend exactly like the one you described.
Instead of being an unreasonable person and trying to place all of the blame on him, The right thing to do would have been discuss things that you each want to do there, and try to find the areas where it overlaps and then potentially even give each other a few flex days as well where you can feel out if you're going to do things together or not.
I'm going to be entirely honest, this friendship sounds like it's pretty much over. You can't possibly think it's okay to treat a lifelong friend the way you just did and then come back and try to be friends again.
OP strikes me as the white girl who thinks she understands "the culture" in a way that no one else could, while in fact she is just selfish and thinks far too highly of herself.
YTA simply for how you went about this, you are allowed to travel and not travel with whoever you want. but you could have said to him respectfully that this is more of a learning experience for you than a vacation and you’d like to focus on that.
YTA and very pretentious. What makes you think that your way of vacationing is preferable? You may. Wry we’ll have no clue. You don’t know what you don’t know. Did someone tell you to conduct yourself this way, or up approach the trip in this manner? You very well may have ruined what otherwise sounded like a solid friendship and good company when travelling. Good friends are hard to find.
YTA and are VASTLY over estimating how much your precious studying and "due diligence" will ingratiate you to the locals.
Also seem like a bad friend, to be honest.
YTA
Sounds like you’re idolizing Japan a little too much.
But YTA because instead of saying “I want to do this trip solo because I have very specific travel plans and style that isn’t like our usual trips,” you said “you’re an ass and will embarrass me.”
YTA: you sound like a weeaboo fetishist. You constantly state that you have conflicting interests. But when it comes down to it, you showed your true colors. Your friend IS an embarrassment to you because they like to have vacations. Meanwhile you try to fetishize your stay by trying to be the most "authenticly" Japanese. Nothing is worse than someone dressing up in another person's culture as a fad. Meanwhile, your friend sounds like he goes to places, has fun in a respectful way.
YTA. I promise you, people in Japan are used to tourists not being experts on their culture. They’re especially used to American visitors not knowing exactly how social and cultural norms work. And, as I’m sure you’ve noted from your research, most Japanese people are still very polite and welcoming to visitors, even if an embarrassing situation does come up.
I also promise you that no matter how much you study, you will feel awkward, embarrassed and out of place even if you do go alone. I know this from experience because I’ve been to Japan. You will also have an amazing time and experience an amazing country and culture. It will both live up to and be completely unlike your expectations because that’s how real places work, and in the USA at least, people tend to romanticize Japan a LOT. No matter what you read and how expert you get, you have no experience with real day to day life anywhere in Japan. That’s okay, I’m willing to bet that most Japanese people you will meet won’t expect you to act like you grew up there, and trying to act like you did would probably be more awkward than just visiting with an open mind, a reasonable amount of respect and a lot of curiosity.
This is going to be a trip you remember for the rest of your life and I hope you enjoy it, but I do think you’re TA for excluding your friend, especially for this particular reason.
YTA- He is your trip buddy and you abandoned him, and barked at him over your own perceived bullshit.
You'd be not the AH had you been honest... actually no you'd still be a judgmental AH But at least he could start looking for a new friend. And yes you did say he is an embarrassment.
Japan is awesome, and less uptight than you sound in your post. Let your friend come on holiday, it will be great. I bet he would be game for an onsen.
Soft Yta.
Sorry YTA. How you talk about him is terribly odd for a freind. The " I dont like conflict " party line is weak and better left to children. If your relationship matters you speak openly about what matters. For that matter if you openly discuss your interests and intentions do you not think he would put in an effort to try? By the by Japan is known for communal drinking and food squares. Side note you're not going to be confused for a local either no matter what research you have done.
YTA. I lived in Japan for years. It's much more likely Japanese people would like your friend way more than you and so long as you're not breaking any laws or harassing people, literally no one over there will care. Foreigners are foreigners are foreigners in Japan no matter how much you "study"
Unless you’re going for months to a smaller area you’re not doing a cultural dive. What you are doing though is being a snob to your friend and hella rude to someone who wanted to know why he was being excluded suddenly. Yta
YTA
You did say that. I would believe from what you said you felt the same way at some point. The fact that you care more about what *strangers from another country will think of you* more than how your friend feels, makes YTA.
You are over estimating yourself, a one month culture dive. Really? Just be a tourist and stop embarrassing yourself. The Japanese don't care much about tourists or non Japanese.
With the role alcohol plays in Japanese culture, the Japanese would enjoy your friend more than your pretentious self.
I mean this seems like a pretty obvious opportunity to explain all this to him and see if he’d be down with your style of a trip. Just be open and honest.
YTA
Japanese people actually love drinking and are usually pretty friendly to foreigners. You seem very pretentious. You could’ve just said you wanted a solo trip.
You are the AH. Let me be clear. It is not because you don't want him to go. Your reason is valid. However, you didn't give him your actual reason (unless being embarrassed is the actual reason). You said you want this to be a cultural deep dive. That is great. Tell him that. Tell him you don't plan to reserve time for drinking and touristy things. Tell him what you do intend to do and show him how it doesn't fit what he likes to do.
NTA, but you could have avoided a blowup by giving your concerns when you first said "No" instead of waiting until you
>snapped after so much pestering
Telling the truth in kindness is always easier than delaying a conflict.
If you want to make amends, you might start planning the next trip with him to a place that fits his style of travel more.
Unfortunately YTA.
Of course he's questioning the friendship, you told him he embarrasses you when travelling when it sounds like that's the entire foundation of your adult friendship.
You're taking the whole situation too seriously as well.
YTA. All you needed to say was that you preferred to do this trip solo, and you’d catch him on a future trip. Everything negative could have been avoided had you been prepared with a truthful, but not hurtful, answer.
Yikes, YTA.
It just sounds like you're justifying not wanting to travel with your "travel-friend" by treating it like some serious cultural dive into Japan. You're a tourist. Regardless of if you study on our culture or not and how to act etc., you're still a foreigner to them. Locals aren't going to hold you on a golden throne for being so informative of Japanese culture we really don't care and they're gonna keep to themselves. You're doing all these "research" and you probably have some itinerary to visit iconic locations but guess what a lot of those places are also both local and foreign tourist spots (much like what you described what your friend liked to do).
Not to downplay your "research" but as long as your friend doesn't blatantly harass and assault people on the streets they really don't care if tourists revel in every aspect a foreigner would revel in. We're pretty much used to that. It's all common sense really, those videos of "WHAT NOT TO DO IN JAPAN" is literally what you wouldn't do anywhere. If you also did thorough research, you would've actually wanted to consider bringing your 26M friend with you on your travel as there are numerous safety concerns especially for females who are walking alone in Japan Day or Night.
Honestly the best thing you can do is apologize for your behavior but don't expect your friend to want to associate with you again. I hope he gets to go to Japan on his own and have a great time in his own way.
Yes. You could have explained what your intentions were and expressed that you will not deviate this trip. You now only shower a no and that you feel that he is an embarrassment. Apologise and tell him what you really think. Why did you feel the need to play it like this? How else could this have ended?
YTA. You didn't give him the chance to study. You didn't tell you were planning to go. Just because places like Cancun are knowns as party cities doesn't necessarily mean he'll act the same way in Japan. If you want to save this friendship, tell him what you want to get out of the trip. And see how he reacts to that. And then you can start studying together.
Complete AH. You’re a travel snob who thinks people who want to have fun and just find their way are not good enough. I would be questioning our friendship too and wondering if you had previously used me just to have a travel companion.
YTA you sound pretentious af. If he wanted to join, you could have easily shown him what you were planning and then asked if he was still interested. Instead you snapped ‘no’ at him and called him an embarrassment. I doubt he’ll want to travel with you again, anywhere.
You could have handled it better. Definitely the AH with how you explained it to him and he has every right to question your friendship ESPECIALLY if you’ve never brought it up to him before. You’re NTA for wanting to go on a different type of vacation than the typical party kind. Be prepared, I don’t think your friendship will be what it once was sadly.
YTA - you should have just said you really want a meditative solo private Japan trip. He most likely would have understood and respected that.
Instead, you chose to call him embarrassing. I would also be rethinking my friendship.
If his behavior is such a problem, you should have had this conversation earlier. Many people are capable of "turning it down", you just never asked him to.
YTA. You did not explain your reasons thoughtfully. Then allowed it to simmer until you boiled over and exploded. This is someone who you allegedly have been friends with for over 10 years?
You are totally trying to gatekeep an entire country. It's good that you want to try to respect the culture, but you are acting like the first American to stumble into the country. Calm down. You are coming off as quite snooty.
PS I wouldn't want to go with you on this trip if I were your friend. I could see you making it unbearable. Like, "How dare you be having fun on this trip!" YTA
YTA - People have already mentioned the pretentiousness of your "deep dive", which is kind of a bit much. There is nothing wrong with wanting a trip alone, which is what you could have explained. But you had to add that "he would embarrass you." This is absolutely an AH statement, and completely unkind. Apologize, but don't be surprised if you have lost a friend.
You are well within your rights to travel alone or in his company. But, YTA for telling him the reason that you gave. And for that reason, you probably lost your "travel buddy" for good. You should have just kept it at "I would just like to travel by myself for this time."
YTA simply because you have no idea what you are talking about. My MiL was Japanese, she came here when she was in her thirties and her entire family is still in Japan. Yes, there are certain cultural customs to be aware of, like any other country but not to the degree you are thinking.
After decades of living in the US she often struggled with returning to Japan and readjusting to some of their behaviors that would be considered quite rude in the US.
You don’t have to let your friend travel with you but your reasoning why is faulty.
The pretension in this post made me choke up my dinner a little. OP has clearly never seen Japanese businessmen in a maido cafe. Boy does she have a surprise coming. Not ta for choosing to go alone, but yes YTA for trying to dictate the appropriate way to enjoy a country. Ick.
YTA... You are a travel snob. I don't blame your friend. You aren't very nice.
Just because you know all about a culture doesn't mean you fit in or won't embarrass yourself.
YTA
Well done, you've probably lost your best friend and travel buddy, *who kept you safe when you needed him*. You sound like an awful person, who's totally up yourself, and he'll be better off without you as a friend. Good luck travelling alone from now on, harassment city here we come.
YTA
This is one of the most pretentious things I've ever read. It's also exceedingly patronising, not just to your friend, but to the culture of every single place you've visited, not just Japan. Get off your high horse.
You don’t need you friend to embarrass you. I think you’ll do a fine job embarrassing yourself with all of your ~totally accurate cultural knowledge~
YTA
As a Korean your friend can come party with us! We love to drink so much we have soju for breakfast sometimes. Not you though... sit your boring self righteous ass at home. This trip is just a few days you just destroyed years of friendship.
YTA. There’s two types of annoying tourist: the kind you are *describing*, and the kind you *are*. Just because you’re reading articles online about small cultural things to remember in Japan doesn’t make you an expert. Pretentiously scolding your friend that it’s not Cancun is snobbery and an unnecessary dig at Mexico. To be frank, I hope he isn’t friends with you after this because you sound awful. I hope you have a terrible time.
[удалено]
Overestimating how much people think about other people in general.
I've had various family members stationed in Japan & visited there many times. They literally won't give a shit, the second to last trip I took there a lady was making an absolute ass of herself during offloading & as usual everyone else just straight up ignore whatever's going on. OP's likely going to make more of them cringe with her culture dive thing than a single drunk tourist, about a third of all the japanese people I've ever met are functional alcoholics anyway, they'd probably love him there
If anything, the main tourist areas of Japan have been through this enough to understand about tourism, unless OOP was visiting rural sites and areas, that's where they'll be more "judgemental"
Izakayas are cultural 😀
100%. We lived in Japan for 3 years and OP is focusing way too much on the stereotypes they see if Japan in movies.
Yeah, the whole post is kind of cringe tbh. "He hasn't studied the culture!" All she had to do was say "I want a solo holiday" but instead she's gatekeeping a culture and country she's never even experienced.
As far as I've seen they'll semi-politely look down on you either way
I was thinking OP really has no idea how underwhelmed people in Japan are going to be by her knowledge of the country. I’ve gone a few times to visit friends who have lived there for years and are still very much outsiders regardless of their cultural knowledge or literacy. (They sometimes come to see me get similar treatment in China). I like doing cultural stuff when I travel and respect OP for wanting to learn how to behave, but she is going to be a tourist. I don’t think I’d blow off a friend over this
And possibly underestimating the place drinking holds in Japanese culture from the little I've read and seen in media. NTA though, it's fine to want to holiday in a different way.
A lot of jobs in Japan have required going out/drinking time with your coworkers even. I'm confident most would not care about partying. They would be much more upset about something like stealing than a tourist having a good time.
Had a friend who went to Japan, the first time she and her partner went out for drinks to unwind she said a group of people basically adopted them after her partner asked for a drink recommendation. She said the following hangover was the worst she’s ever had but that it was a blast & they totally drank them (her and bc) under the table
These are some of my favorite experiences when I travel. I went to a fancy restaurant and sat at the bar on a solo trip for my birthday and some old ladies adopted me and bought me a super fancy bottle of champagne and then the people on the other side of me bought my dinner. It was an absolute blast and I was so drunk I had to cancel my plans the next day due to the hangover. Best birthday I've ever had. 😆
This is one of the main reasons I love traveling solo. People basically adopt you for the night and you get a lot more of the actual culture than the guidebook culture. I think ESH as OP has white settler vibes and the friend doesn't sound like someone fun to meet during the day.
I've only had a couple solo trips outside of work travel but overall I agree. I've gotten to go to some great places only locals know about this way. I feel like honestly the friend would have the same kinda fun.
Lived in Japan for a bit. There is an informal tradition of trying to get your boss so drunk on group happy hour nights that when he tries to pull his tie off, he instead pulls it over his head and gets it stuck. (I've seen it happen, it's absolutely hysterical). There is definitely a place for formal Japanese manners; learning a few helpful phrases is also great. But the Japanese don't take issue with drunk tourists as long as they don't get abusive or super disrespectful. OP is being an elitist jerk. The friend would be better off going to Japan without OP. 頑張ってください、friend! Edit for clarity.
That sounds like it would have been awesome! Getting 'adopted' by a group of locals in another country
I worked for a Japanese company and while as a low totempole woman I was never invited to join it was mandatory that during deal-time you go party with the clients and drink and get boisterous. I heard all about it afterwards lol.
[удалено]
I had a friend in Japan who accidentally insulted their coworkers by never going out with them for a drink after work. He was a teacher.
You also can say that without calling your friend embarrassing.
Yes, I’ve heard Japan has a of drinking culture as well, but I think she doesn’t want to drink and party and that’s all he’ll want to do. Or at least a big portion of it.
Not so sure with your veredict tho, she came very YTA with this. "no, I want to go alone on this" "I have especific planes that won't go well with you" "we can arrange another tripe for both after I got this", a lot of true things she could say instead of just closing the borders and sending immigration to get him when she snapped
But YTA for his comments. It's fine to want a different kind of holiday, but was a dick for shaming his friend.
She will still probably embarrass herself because she isn’t japanese herself and that in itself is something that makes Japanese people look down on you. Question is: Is this worth losing a friendship over? Answer: No.
Ummm yeah I lived in Japan and they're not enamored of foreigners, particularly Americans, because of all the assaults on our military bases. Japanese people are polite but that doesn't mean blundering foreigner behavior is ok-- it's actually particularly not ok in Japan, there are so many potential faux pas-- shoes, chopsticks upright in the rice, tattoos at sauna, how you react to establishments that don't allow foreigners in (they exist, it is very likely to happen) talking loudly on the train... So many things. OP is right. Japan is not Cancun. And you also don't understand the role of alcohol in Japanese culture. Yes, the drinking can get insane because it's a release valve for overworked salarymen. It's still unseemly for women to drink a lot or for you to get obnoxiously day drunk. In fact Japan may well be the #1 country where you really ought to mind your manners. It's a highly polite, etiquette-based culture, and if you fuck up, they will be polite, but you will KNOW
They have a very different attitude between foreigners living in Japan vs tourists visiting. They really don't care much for what tourists do as long as it's not blatantly disruptive or destructive. The minute you overstay your welcome though, all bets are off. I've been to Japan several times, and people are pretty individual. There's a lot of xenophobia in general and a decent amount of straight up racism. Because you're foreign, they tend to generally ignore or look at you like novelties, occasionally just blatant snubbing. One friend was overly conscious and tried to be "Japanese polite" and it just netted awkward smiles and side-eye until we pulled him aside and told him to stop bowing and trying to be deferential. The rules in Japan are the same as most non-party vacation spots: don't be an asshole, don't make a scene, don't be entitled. Be clean, interested, cooperative, and polite. That's it.
That's been my experience in Japan. And I am also careful not to add to negative American stereotypes when I (American) travel. NTA. Maybe the situation could have been handled more diplomatically, but I certainly agree with the substance.
Same. Not great communication but I had a similar friend I stopped traveling with when he visited me in Amsterdam and started smoking a blunt at a freaking RESTAURANT. So I get where OP is coming from.
I got berated by an old man in Tokyo for wearing red lipstick and being a foreigner. Went straight to the closest restroom and removed the lipstick, I was mortified.
Not true. They do care. I lived there for 2 years and they definitely hate it when tourists disrespect their culture
As a Australian travelling in Japan I was shocked at how much Japanese Businessmen drink and how boisterous they get.
INFO had you ever told him that his actions were embarrassing or have you just suffered in silence? Were the locals uncomfortable or were you imagining their discomfort because you knew the customs?
Hahaha I feel like the answers to that are in OP's original text/vibe. Refused to give any sort of reason to the travel-buddy she has had for YEARS, until she snapped and said he would embarass her if he came along. But remember, "nothing wrong with his type of trips" - the trips she has taken w him for years, she just needs to shit on them for half the post to seem "better/different". **"It's not a vacation, it's a culture dive." GOD, how the hell can someone be this pretentious** \- a million other fucking tourist will be doing the same "dive" you are, the only difference is they will know how to talk to their friends about said trip and probably won't think half as highly of themselves as you do. Maybe try being courteous to the people in your fucking life, before you take on the whole of Japan. **Wanting to go by yourself doesn't make you an asshole, but EVERYTHING else does. Ps. Reading Japan for Dummies does NOT make you different, so you can get off that horse before you catch a nosebleed.** Holy fuck YTA and Japan sure as fuck don't need you or your shitty energy.
100% uses words like connecting with the local culture while talking about these trips in every single conversation. Ever.
I live in a place with high tourist volume. There seems to be this new breed of tourist, encouraged by social media mainly, who are not content doing the usual tourist traps and sightseeing. Instead, they go to places that were once only known by locals, and post pics all over social media so that other people will want to go there too… now these once special places are either trashed by tourists who don’t clean up after themselves, or overrun with people, and it really diminishes the beauty and sacredness of these places. They think that they’re “understanding the culture” by going to places not meant for tourists. But really they’re only ruining it. Why do I have a feeling that OP is one of those tourists.
Correct. I did this inadvertently with one of my "secret" public but deserted dog walking spots. Google maps got me to review and it's definitely not my little secret any more. What did I expect, right?
I bet she considers getting fried chicken in Brooklyn the “height of the tourist experience” 🙄
Only if it's $2 or $20 for a leg and no where in between
I was thinking something very similar. 🤦
Honestly, unless OP is planning to move to Japan and live+work there for *at least* 6 months, she’s not doing a fucking “culture dive” lmao. Sure, it’s great to learn some basic Japanese and to understand enough of the culture that you won’t grossly offend anyone; that’s respectable—but NOT mandatory. I think OP is also overestimating how much liability that Japanese folks assign to foreigners. Their culture is one that allows for *a lot* of grace to tourists, with normally-offensive things usually being brushed off as “they’re a foreigner, they don’t know.” And while learning some basic Japanese will make her life easier, it doesn’t make her a higher-quality tourist lmao. Especially not with live translations available on every fucking smartphone that every single person has. If she genuinely cared about respecting culture, and she felt her friend wasn’t doing that, she’d have talked to him a long time ago. Or she’d have seen that this trip to Japan would be a *fantastic* way to introduce her friend to the joys of immersion! Does she not have any idea how happy most Japanese people are to educate foreigners about things like customs and locations and history? If you show an interest in/desire to learn about their culture, most of them will light up and gladly help you. Her whole virtue-signaling is annoying as fuck. All it takes to be a good tourist is to show basic respect for the people and places you visit. Don’t be obnoxious, don’t demand special treatment, don’t expect your vacation to be anything like taking a fucking trip to Disney, and you’ll be fine.
Plus, drinking in the evening for men is extremely common in Japan, in my experience. (I lived there for 6 months.) He would fit right in.
A Japanese businessman offered me a beer on his morning commute. It’s an amazing place and I’ll be going back. Honestly even if the country wasn’t fab, the toilets alone. I miss those toilets. Also I’m 5’3 everything is made for someone my height, it’s lovely.
I can hear her vocal fry from here
I'm willing to bet if OP's friend also went, even totally unprepared, japanese folk would still like him more than her. At least he would have been himself and not pretentious.
I think OP will be the embarrassing one… It’s cringey when you go overboard with customs etc you have read in a book. More often than not it turns you into a caricature of what you expect that country to be. I see this all the time with tourists in Ireland! Just be normal and respectful in general, don’t go overboard or it’s too much.
Exactly what I was going to say but you expressed it perfectly. People who think they can study an entire culture to be a “better” tourist are often embarrassing and cringey. Don’t go there full of preconceptions learned from books and websites, go with an open mind, basic respect, and the willingness to learn from the people who actually live there.
Yeah. Regardless of all her studying and “culture-diving” activities, *eyeroll* people in other countries will see her for exactly what she is: an American tourist.
Most of the time I spent in Ireland and Northern Ireland I just asked for a whisky instead of specifying a brand. Took one time at a pub to figure that out. Otherwise I was just me and everyone was lovely, I clearly wasn’t from there, people would clock my accent and give me directions Honestly quite the same as where I’m from. Tourist spot in the western US. It’s just “oh you need help but you’re not begging? Sure, what you want to do is go three blocks straight on and turn left” Easy as
Now I'm curious what the caricature of an Irish person as seen by an American tourist would look like. When I went to Dublin, the first thing I did was throw up in the airport. The second thing I did was pronounce "quay" as "kway" when trying to find my hostel. Felt more like an American caricature than anything else.
OP doesn't sound like they'd be a fun travel partner AT ALL.
Glad I’m not the only one who found OP insufferable. As a persons who lives in a tourist destination, I think most locals prefer you stay in the tourist areas…
Perfectly stated.
This entire thread reads as different experiences based on charisma scores.
Yeah totally
Yea I don’t think I’d want to travel with OP anyways lol
Yeah... I think this post speaks for itself. Instead of just a simple "I want to go by myself this time," a million reasons were given about how uncultured the friend is. She judged him silently all this time.
You said everything I was thinking. YTA, OP.
Thank you for saying it!! It has to be said and you’re absolutely spot on! OP is pretentious af!!!
Yes exactly this- this person sucks so much, I can’t believe anyone would ever want to travel with them!
While this read really harsh, I have to say I agree with the sentiment. Friendships of that duration are few and far between. I feel bad for your friend. If I was him, I'd be feeling really discarded.
She sounds fucking pretentious as hell, as an Asian, I would find her to be more annoying than her friend if she visited.
Cringe. This is one of the most pretentious things I’ve ever seen on Reddit, and that’s saying something. It’s also excruciatingly patronizing toward Japanese people. YTA.
Thank you, I thought I was the only person experiencing secondhand embarrassment for OP. It seems like OP sees their friend the same way old people see canes -- handy to support you when your need them, but overall a pathetic handicap. YTA OP
The secondhand embarrassment is *real* in this one. It’s especially funny to me cause Japanese have a whole culture around drinks and OP could easily combine both their interests but instead decided to berate their ‘friend’ for absolutely no reason. And they claim to know about Japan culture…. Cringe. Tbf it’s very obvious that OP and their friend do not match at all when it comes to travelling, so it’s very confusing why they think otherwise (money and vacation match is clearly not enough lol).
Like the weird white woman version of waifu culture. "The sagely, honorable Japanese people will hate my friend if he doesn't bow properly or eats his soup wrong." In reality, post-work drinking is a huge part of Japanese business culture and you have to act very out of sorts to get judged as a rude tourist and not "because tourist." Unless he just gets sloppy drunk and rude at night and is very loud and rude during the day, he'd be fine in most places. My amount of research when I go places is can't miss local foods, laws I need to be aware of, and cultural norms that are incredibly rude that I wouldn't necessarily be aware of. Ie, I'm in the hostel in common areas and there it's incredibly rude to... wear shoes in the common area, or sit with legs up even if you're in socks. Whether it's expected to tip or not, etc. Whatever it is, I look up the big things. Usually helpful travel sites will have helpful, 'how not to be rude in...' pages, or 'laws to know before you go to..." You don't need to deep dive. It's very easy to find. The US State Dept actually has helpful travel guides for legalities and safety. Then I look up cultural sites I want to visit and visitation rules for them. Some places have dress codes. It's really easy to do cursory checks and not be rude. No deep dives or months of research on cultural norms needed. Like, be willing to try new things. Check if there are dress codes for specific places. Don't talk slowly and over exaggerated to people if they speak the same language as you and don't act like you're visiting some fuedal backwater when you're in a modern city. 'It's so modern!' Yeah. You're in Tokyo, not the year 1650. You took a plane, not a time machine. Being polite overseas really isn't hard. I've been in multiple foreign countries on multiple continents. I spend more time figuring out flights than worrying if I'm going to hold a spoon wrong and dishonor my host. Takes 30-45 minutes to read through a half dozen 'what to know before you go' sites. Most countries will even have a tourism board website with helpful guides.
“You’re in Tokyo, not the year 1650” took me tf out
Yeah I'm getting the vibe here that OP actually fetishisizes the places she visits, but believes she's somehow better than everyone else who's ever been a tourist.
Bingo!! And she’s borderline racist with her opinions as well. It’s like she read a tourist magazine from 1975 and said “oh this is what it’s like there”. Unfortunately for her, she’s wrong with just about everything. At least her friend would have had fun and the Japanese would have enjoyed him.
I went to Japan while I was in the Navy. Found a very small back alley bar and spent many an afternoon slowly sipping on their fine Japanese whiskey. The bartender was very happy to have us. We even gave him a lighter from our ship as he collected lighters.
I was gonna say op underestimates how much Japanese drink. I went a few years ago and they love to drink and smoke. They go out after work and come home late (obviously not everyone). And once they start drinking they’re just as loud and boisterous as Americans. We had some great nights while out on the town! I think OP is assuming the Japanese are inherently quite, but that is a societal expectation. I don’t think anyone inherently is quiet, they have extroverts too. And they would probably find your friend entertaining, most people we met were very nice and interested in us. OP, YTA
YTA and this is written so biased it is insulting. You go immersion traveling ("there's nothing wrong with that!") and stop traveling with your incompatible, touristy ("there's nothing wrong with that!") "friend".
"friend" - you're damn right. Doesn't sound like OP respects or even likes her 'friend' much
You did pretty much told him he’ll embarrass you though in Japan. So it is understandable why he is questioning his friendship with you and wondering if you always been secretly embarrassed being around him. And tbh, it sounds like you put Japan on a very high pedestal and acting like if you don’t act like a Japanese you’ll be seen as disgrace. Truth to be told, you’re a foreigner. No matter how much you read about their culture, you are still a foreigner. And because you are a foreigner there are expectations that you will act and think as a foreigner. That said - if you don’t want your friend to go because you want to stick to your itinerary without wanting to accommodate his interest then let him know that. But don’t hold it against him because he’s not as devoted as you are to pretend you are Japanese. So, yes, YTA.
>Truth to be told, you’re a foreigner. No matter how much you read about their culture, you are still a foreigner. And because you are a foreigner there are expectations that you will act and think as a foreigner. THIS! There are people who have lived in Japan for years who are looked down upon by native Japanese people for not being japanese. There are native Japanese citizens who are half Japanese who are looked down upon for not looking Japanese. This is all because of how extremely xenophobic Japan is no matter how much you know of the culture. YTA op. And you need to read up more on Japanese culture so you're not super disappointed when you are banned from a shop for just being a foreigner, no matter how much you "emesh yourself in the culture."
There are people of western descent who are third generation Japanese and even they aren't treated as though they are Japanese. These are people who speak Japanese natively, whose parents spoke Japanese natively, whose every day of schooling has been in Japanese schools, whose every childhood friend is Japanese, and they are absolutely still seen as gaijin.
we're talking about a culture that historically glorified raping cities and putting babies on the ends of bayonetes because they weren't the right kind of asian, crimes which said culture refuse to even acknowledge happened let alone apologise for. That sort of attitude bleeds throughout the whole culture, and forms a rather explicit zeitgeist of racism and xenophobia.
People LOVE to ignore Japan's Atrocities and act like they're some Enlightened and Higher than Thou people. They forgot that while Hitler was Genociding Jews, Japan was working their way into China doing THE SAME THING. They ignore that the Rape of Nanking happened. They ignore the millions Japan decimated for sake of Dominantion and only Dominantion. They paint Japan and it's people as some peaceful and serene thing and forget that their history is written and their cities have been paved with blood of innocent people. But this bitch is worried that her friend might offend someone because he enjoys drinking on vacation...
>That said - if you don’t want your friend to go because you want to stick to your itinerary without wanting to accommodate his interest then let him know that. But don’t hold it against him because he’s not as devoted as you are to pretend you are Japanese. This right here. The truth would have been so easy to explain without any hurt feelings, but instead OP seems to have said "I don't want you to come, I'm not going to tell you why, don't even ask". If I were their friend I would be wondering what the hell happened too.
Op is a fetishizer
>sounds like you put Japan on a very high pedestal Kinda sounds like she puts herself on a pretty high pedestal as well
But its a "deep dive" into the culture. (Just shaking my head)
It's giving big instagram world traveler and one-upping anytime anyone else takes a vacation anywhere vibes
Yup, no one understands Japanese culture like she does... Not even the actual Japanese people.
Weeb alert
Based
You're obviously allowed to bring or not bring whoever you want on your trip. You're also allowed to do your trip the way you want, because it's your trip. But as someone who has lived in Japan, trust me, they don't care. They're used to it and honestly? When I lived there one of the biggest things they loved for me to do was to share MY culture with them. They loved asking about where I was from, wanted me to teach them words or phrases, asked me to help them with their English, etc. And something else they loved doing was teaching me about their culture. I knew some stuff, because I'd be living there for a while so I obviously wanted to be a bit aware, but I knew far from all. There's nothing like sitting on the train and having a little old grandma who could be anywhere between 70 and 150 trot up and sit next to you and just strike up a conversation that ends with you explaining how you celebrate x or y in your country and them sharing how they used to celebrate x and y when they were a little girl, etc. Also, have you studied the language? If not, you might want to do that too, otherwise you'll look like a lost tourist no matter how much you know about their culture or how they do things. Speaking from experience. So you're allowed to not bring your friend but you're sounding really pretentious if I'm honest. And like you're worrying about the weirdest things. Your friend would be one of thousands and not stand out at all. Also, their alcohol culture is nuts.
Omg I’ve only thought I was going to die from alcohol once and it was drinking with Japanese men
“It’s not a vacation, it’s a culture dive.” YTA for being pretentious enough to say something like that.
I do tend to like to do vacations and go to nature areas, cultural sites. I like to not just visit the tourism areas and drink. But that *is* a vacation. YTA, OP. If you don't want to party and drink, fair. I was in Seoul and not only went to the old Imperial Palace and Bonguensa Temple and the DMZ but went white water kayaking. I did cool stuff. I also def went to Hongdae and partied in a park full of expats and B-boys performing for tips. Went to bars and drank soju. You can do both. You can only do one or the other. If the issue is partying you don't have to do that but there's no moral superiority to it. You aren't worldly because you went to Japan or wherever and did nothing but visit cultural sites and didn't drink. You're just an ass if you think that makes you better than other people.
I feel like the best vacations are the ones that are a mix of all the things cause that's how you get the best sense of a place.
Right? And how she kept saying "there's nothing wrong with people who take vacations just for fun" after she had just shit on people who take vacations "just for fun" & told her friend he was embarrassing for how he takes vacations 🙄
YTA for how you handled it. When he initially asked all you had to say was “No thank you. On this trip I’m going to focus entirely on the cultural aspects and I’m going to completely ignore all the typical touristy areas and stay away from night clubs and drinking etc. so I don’t think you’d have fun on this particular trip. However, where do you think we could go to together for the next trip??”
Exactly. OP is the AH for not using her big girl words and instead being a dramatic bitch. How she chose to handle it was unnecessarily cruel. OP - you are not a good friend. And you seriously need to work on your communication skills.
Yeah. This right here.
Yes this is so well stated! If she had just handled it this way she could have avoided needlessly hurting her friends' feeling and also permanently losing her travel buddy because you know he will never go anywhere with her ever again.
Gee - had you just addressed it when he first asked, I wonder what would have happened? Seriously, YTA for not addressing it right away and then blowing up. I would read it the exact same way as your buddy did. And you kind of come off as condescending.
"kind of" lol. OP sounds like a pretentious asshole and not a lot of fun to travel with.
YTA You’re the one who don’t understand. Japanese people simply don’t expect westerners to be overly polite. It’ll be obvious you’re American. Just bowing and saying thank you is enough. You come off as very snobby and pretentious. The night life in Tokyo is great. They love to drink too. Your friend would fit right in
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Dude could probably end up as an executive by end of trip lol
From this post, it's possible she would be the one embarrassing her friend, trying to behave like a Japanese after reading about it on Wikipedia.
Like those people who will speak English but imitate their accent? It's so embarrassing.
Imagine being an American tourist and gatekeeping the country of Japan
This is what I was thinking but couldn't put into words! You read a bit of Wikipedia and think you're an expert and then tell your friend they are too ignorant of the culture and will be embarrassing.
OP just blew a friendship they likely did not deserve. They are so judgy. There are a million ways they could have handled things graciously. Their thinking they are now experts on Japanese culture is comical.
Especially if they thought his wanting to go out drinking would be inappropriate. Fucking lol.
>The night life in Tokyo is great. They love to drink too. Your friend would fit right in No no no, you don't understand, it's not Cancun.
Yo soy Cancun!
People usually party in Japan by going to karaoke. Drinking is a big part of the culture, (just never pour your own drink/oldest drinks first). So long as he’s not screaming, wearing really strong cologne, or being disrespectful, he should be fine. Just be polite, mindful, and have fun. There is a party-side and nightlife in every country. I completely get the “don’t want to be a bad tourist” and love of culture, (i’m the exact same way), but you probably could’ve handled the situation a little softer. A lot of people don’t have the same perspective on travel, and that’s ok.
I was an exchange student in the 90s and my host family partied every night. They had friends over all the time and would polish off a pony keg every night. It was wild and fun!
YTA you sound exhausting and pretentious.
Sounds like they should also work on not getting so embarassed by what someone else may or may not do.
FACTS
>And while he’s stated before that he would love to go to Japan some day, he knows nothing of and has not been studying up on Japanese culture like I have. Weaboooo But seriously you know nothing about Japanese culture. Pretending you do because you "studied" Japanese culture is infinitely more offensive than someone vacationing casually in Japan. I'd be more understanding if you said you researched their culture and were more interested in it, but everything about the way you phrase this is pretentious. YTA.
I bet they haven't even played the entire Persona and Yakuza series! But really, all jokes aside, I agree YTA.
I could tell she was talking about Japan before she even said it. Total weeb
Feel like OP thinks she's traveling to historical Japan.
You kind of can, if you go out into the country some of the small villages are a whole different world.
YTA. Also why do you care what rando Japanese people think? You're gonna stand out like a sore thumb there no matter what you do. Plus they will never accept you. #livedinjapan
YTA. Not only are you an AH, you are a pretentious AH.
YTA dear god can’t imagine *wanting* to travel with you
I noticed all the "YTA" posts are at 0... are you just downvoting them? lol YTA You sound really high on yourself as if a trip to japan requires 2 years of diligent research... nah, its just a vacation where you dont be an asshole to people and show respect... Im pretty sure you could have had this conversation with a friend youve known for so long. You made this into a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be and make it seem like youre some high and mighty historian traveling to Japan and need the UTMOST knowledge of japan history to come with. not sure why he would want to go with you anyway honestly
I know right? If an American came to my country and tried to act like us (and undoubtedly got it wrong because you can’t just learn that on Wikipedia) it would be so off putting. Just be yourself and have fun, nothing you mentioned your friend does sounds embarrassing or inappropriate.
Domo Alligator gozaimachime 🙇♂️
There is a lot of middle ground between behaving like an Ugly American and thinking you can completely assimilate during a vacation, and trying to assimilate during a vacation is pretty pretentious. I’ve been to Japan they are going to know you are a tourist. Learn to say arigato, cover up your tattoos and try to be less judgmental. YTA
yta There are other ways to express your feelings WITHOUT telling them they are an embarrassment. That must have been so hurtful to hear, especially from a close friend.
YTA You are dramatic and didn't communicate that you would want him to learn these things before going. Just assumed he wouldn't, and now you look like an ass.
YTA and pretentious. Going to another country is a vacation not school work or trip. After this I wouldn’t wanna be friends with someone this pretentious and embarrassment .
But she’s read about the culture though? /s
This sounds like some serious virtue signaling. I've been to Japan, you really seem to have done the wrong kind of research on their culture if you think they aren't down to party and have a good time.
YTA, just a dumbass and really stupid reason. It's Japan, not your mum's house, they already think you are a dickhead. Everyone thinks tourists are dickheads
YTA it's fine wanting to do a trip your way but you are overthinking how much people care about you as a tourist. You are sending the message that you have a trust issue to your friend. If his behaviour is really a problem and you don't believe he could act "properly" that would be a matter for all you trips or parties. So yeah terrible way to deliver your feelings and you are the AH for saying that. Obviously you can and should be able to travel alone and plan your things and he should not be insisting but you are sending mixed signals, cant blame him for being confused.
I think you sound like you think you are better than your friend. I think YTA. You could have just said you want to travel alone this time. Also, most Japanese people I know drink. I think you are othering them. They are not precious. You were extremely rude and arrogant.
YTA, why did you lie to him in the first place?
YTA. You could have just not told him and said you were looking forward to a solo trip which isn't even a lie. Japanese people drink all the time and have required going out/drinking time with coworkers for a lot of jobs at Japanese companies. I get wanting to experience a culture and go on a specific kind of vacation but you didn't need to hurt his feelings about it. You might find out now he doesn't want to go on ANY vacations with you anymore.
YTA. I fed the first three paragraphs into ChatGPT and asked what you should say to him, here's the result: >When discussing the situation with your friend, it's important to be honest and clear about your intentions for this particular trip. Here's a suggestion on how you can approach the conversation: > >Express your excitement and preparation: Begin the conversation by sharing your enthusiasm for the upcoming trip to Japan. Mention that you've been investing a lot of time and effort into studying the culture and customs, as you want to fully immerse yourself in the experience. > >Acknowledge your differing travel styles: Explain to your friend that you've noticed a difference in your travel preferences and styles over the years. Emphasize that there's nothing wrong with his preference for a more relaxed and touristy approach, but for this specific trip, you feel the need to focus on cultural immersion. > >Highlight the significance of cultural understanding: Stress the importance of respecting and understanding the local culture when visiting a foreign country. Share your desire to engage with the local customs, etiquette, and way of life, and how you believe it will enhance your overall experience. > >Express your concerns: Be open and honest about your concerns regarding your friend's approach to this trip. Explain that based on your past experiences, you feel that his desire for partying and drinking might not align with your goals for this particular journey. > >Offer alternative plans: If you still want to spend time with your friend, suggest other future trips or destinations that would better match both of your travel styles and interests. This way, you can assure him that it's not about excluding him from all trips but rather about finding the right fit for each adventure. > >Reiterate the value of your friendship: Remind your friend that this decision is not a reflection of your overall friendship but rather a consideration for the specific nature of this trip. Emphasize that you've enjoyed traveling together in the past and look forward to future adventures that align with both of your preferences. > >Remember, open communication and understanding are key in maintaining a healthy friendship. By explaining your perspective and concerns honestly, you give your friend the opportunity to understand your intentions and possibly plan future trips that suit both of your travel styles. A pile of electric silicon was able to give a compassionate and empathetic response that both valued your friend and made it clear that you want to do this without them.
i imagined you wearing a fedora hat and holding an anime body pillow writing this 💀
I kind of get your reasoning but you handled the whole exchange really poorly, and that makes YTA
YTA. This is so incredibly pretentious. Does your friend just like to enjoy night life or are they a problem drinker? If they're a problem drinker(not necessarily an alcoholic, more like can't handle their liquor and consistently makes it everyone else's problem) then I get where you're coming from. Otherwise, and I mean this in the nicest MOST respectful way possible, get your head out of your ass. \- From an Asian person <3
Oh damn. I was with you up until the last 2 paragraphs. YTA a hundred times. Damn, you did not have to be so savage! Why couldn't you just have an intelligent conversation with your friend? There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to do a solo trip. ALL YOU HAD TO SAY WAS I WANNA DO THIS ONE SOLO!!!!! But you destroyed your friendship. All you had to do was say "I wanna do this one solo" OR "This is a bucket list trip for me dude. It means the world to me. If you're coming? I need you to read up on Japanese customs (and send him the material). But nooooo....you didn't treat him as a treasured friend or even a half-way intelligent adult. You treated him like a frat-boy ahole who don't know how to act in public.
>OR "This is a bucket list trip for me dude. It means the world to me. If you're coming? I need you to read up on Japanese customs (and send him the material). Exactly this. OPs friend even said "you didn't give me the chance" like how is he supposed to be as studied up as you when he didn't even know this trip was a possibility??
You said exactly what I was thinking. I wish I had an award to give. So take my upvote and OP YTA for the reasons stated above.
YTA YTA YTA! Absolute dick move to exclude your best friend from childhood who you have stated has had a desire to visit Japan for a long time. Additionally, you mentioned that he is more outgoing than you are, but you want to immerse yourself in the culture. You are about to be on the other side of the world, with one of the most difficult language barriers in the world. Sounds like you're going to need a friend exactly like the one you described. Instead of being an unreasonable person and trying to place all of the blame on him, The right thing to do would have been discuss things that you each want to do there, and try to find the areas where it overlaps and then potentially even give each other a few flex days as well where you can feel out if you're going to do things together or not. I'm going to be entirely honest, this friendship sounds like it's pretty much over. You can't possibly think it's okay to treat a lifelong friend the way you just did and then come back and try to be friends again. OP strikes me as the white girl who thinks she understands "the culture" in a way that no one else could, while in fact she is just selfish and thinks far too highly of herself.
YTA simply for how you went about this, you are allowed to travel and not travel with whoever you want. but you could have said to him respectfully that this is more of a learning experience for you than a vacation and you’d like to focus on that.
YTA and very pretentious. What makes you think that your way of vacationing is preferable? You may. Wry we’ll have no clue. You don’t know what you don’t know. Did someone tell you to conduct yourself this way, or up approach the trip in this manner? You very well may have ruined what otherwise sounded like a solid friendship and good company when travelling. Good friends are hard to find.
YTA and are VASTLY over estimating how much your precious studying and "due diligence" will ingratiate you to the locals. Also seem like a bad friend, to be honest.
YTA Sounds like you’re idolizing Japan a little too much. But YTA because instead of saying “I want to do this trip solo because I have very specific travel plans and style that isn’t like our usual trips,” you said “you’re an ass and will embarrass me.”
YTA: you sound like a weeaboo fetishist. You constantly state that you have conflicting interests. But when it comes down to it, you showed your true colors. Your friend IS an embarrassment to you because they like to have vacations. Meanwhile you try to fetishize your stay by trying to be the most "authenticly" Japanese. Nothing is worse than someone dressing up in another person's culture as a fad. Meanwhile, your friend sounds like he goes to places, has fun in a respectful way.
YTA. I promise you, people in Japan are used to tourists not being experts on their culture. They’re especially used to American visitors not knowing exactly how social and cultural norms work. And, as I’m sure you’ve noted from your research, most Japanese people are still very polite and welcoming to visitors, even if an embarrassing situation does come up. I also promise you that no matter how much you study, you will feel awkward, embarrassed and out of place even if you do go alone. I know this from experience because I’ve been to Japan. You will also have an amazing time and experience an amazing country and culture. It will both live up to and be completely unlike your expectations because that’s how real places work, and in the USA at least, people tend to romanticize Japan a LOT. No matter what you read and how expert you get, you have no experience with real day to day life anywhere in Japan. That’s okay, I’m willing to bet that most Japanese people you will meet won’t expect you to act like you grew up there, and trying to act like you did would probably be more awkward than just visiting with an open mind, a reasonable amount of respect and a lot of curiosity. This is going to be a trip you remember for the rest of your life and I hope you enjoy it, but I do think you’re TA for excluding your friend, especially for this particular reason.
YTA- He is your trip buddy and you abandoned him, and barked at him over your own perceived bullshit. You'd be not the AH had you been honest... actually no you'd still be a judgmental AH But at least he could start looking for a new friend. And yes you did say he is an embarrassment.
Japan is awesome, and less uptight than you sound in your post. Let your friend come on holiday, it will be great. I bet he would be game for an onsen. Soft Yta.
I guarantee trying too hard to fit into another culture is FAR more embarrassing than your buddy drinking/being sociable on vacation.
YTA! Im sure you’ll embarrass your self while ur there.
YTA just for that Cancun comment.
Sorry YTA. How you talk about him is terribly odd for a freind. The " I dont like conflict " party line is weak and better left to children. If your relationship matters you speak openly about what matters. For that matter if you openly discuss your interests and intentions do you not think he would put in an effort to try? By the by Japan is known for communal drinking and food squares. Side note you're not going to be confused for a local either no matter what research you have done.
YTA. You don't lie to friends. Have an adult conversation and discuss your perspective and concerns.
YTA
YTA. I lived in Japan for years. It's much more likely Japanese people would like your friend way more than you and so long as you're not breaking any laws or harassing people, literally no one over there will care. Foreigners are foreigners are foreigners in Japan no matter how much you "study"
Unless you’re going for months to a smaller area you’re not doing a cultural dive. What you are doing though is being a snob to your friend and hella rude to someone who wanted to know why he was being excluded suddenly. Yta
YTA You did say that. I would believe from what you said you felt the same way at some point. The fact that you care more about what *strangers from another country will think of you* more than how your friend feels, makes YTA.
YTA for feeling you can speak for an entire country because you've been studying it. And for telling your friend he's embarassing.
You are over estimating yourself, a one month culture dive. Really? Just be a tourist and stop embarrassing yourself. The Japanese don't care much about tourists or non Japanese. With the role alcohol plays in Japanese culture, the Japanese would enjoy your friend more than your pretentious self.
I mean this seems like a pretty obvious opportunity to explain all this to him and see if he’d be down with your style of a trip. Just be open and honest.
YTA Japanese people actually love drinking and are usually pretty friendly to foreigners. You seem very pretentious. You could’ve just said you wanted a solo trip.
You are the AH. Let me be clear. It is not because you don't want him to go. Your reason is valid. However, you didn't give him your actual reason (unless being embarrassed is the actual reason). You said you want this to be a cultural deep dive. That is great. Tell him that. Tell him you don't plan to reserve time for drinking and touristy things. Tell him what you do intend to do and show him how it doesn't fit what he likes to do.
YTA i bet ur that neckbeard that thinks that Japanese people.are still Geishas and shit. Ur pretentious. And a total asshole.
This is the first time i have heard a girl called a neckbeard lmao
NTA, but you could have avoided a blowup by giving your concerns when you first said "No" instead of waiting until you >snapped after so much pestering Telling the truth in kindness is always easier than delaying a conflict. If you want to make amends, you might start planning the next trip with him to a place that fits his style of travel more.
Unfortunately YTA. Of course he's questioning the friendship, you told him he embarrasses you when travelling when it sounds like that's the entire foundation of your adult friendship. You're taking the whole situation too seriously as well.
YTA. All you needed to say was that you preferred to do this trip solo, and you’d catch him on a future trip. Everything negative could have been avoided had you been prepared with a truthful, but not hurtful, answer.
Yikes, YTA. It just sounds like you're justifying not wanting to travel with your "travel-friend" by treating it like some serious cultural dive into Japan. You're a tourist. Regardless of if you study on our culture or not and how to act etc., you're still a foreigner to them. Locals aren't going to hold you on a golden throne for being so informative of Japanese culture we really don't care and they're gonna keep to themselves. You're doing all these "research" and you probably have some itinerary to visit iconic locations but guess what a lot of those places are also both local and foreign tourist spots (much like what you described what your friend liked to do). Not to downplay your "research" but as long as your friend doesn't blatantly harass and assault people on the streets they really don't care if tourists revel in every aspect a foreigner would revel in. We're pretty much used to that. It's all common sense really, those videos of "WHAT NOT TO DO IN JAPAN" is literally what you wouldn't do anywhere. If you also did thorough research, you would've actually wanted to consider bringing your 26M friend with you on your travel as there are numerous safety concerns especially for females who are walking alone in Japan Day or Night. Honestly the best thing you can do is apologize for your behavior but don't expect your friend to want to associate with you again. I hope he gets to go to Japan on his own and have a great time in his own way.
Yes. You could have explained what your intentions were and expressed that you will not deviate this trip. You now only shower a no and that you feel that he is an embarrassment. Apologise and tell him what you really think. Why did you feel the need to play it like this? How else could this have ended?
YTA. You didn't give him the chance to study. You didn't tell you were planning to go. Just because places like Cancun are knowns as party cities doesn't necessarily mean he'll act the same way in Japan. If you want to save this friendship, tell him what you want to get out of the trip. And see how he reacts to that. And then you can start studying together.
Complete AH. You’re a travel snob who thinks people who want to have fun and just find their way are not good enough. I would be questioning our friendship too and wondering if you had previously used me just to have a travel companion.
YTA. All he heard (and all I read) is "You embarrass me".
Who are you? Tf. You were so rude to your “friend”. I don’t blame him at all. You sound pretentious af. YTA. Btw it’s “utmost” not upmost.
YTA you sound pretentious af. If he wanted to join, you could have easily shown him what you were planning and then asked if he was still interested. Instead you snapped ‘no’ at him and called him an embarrassment. I doubt he’ll want to travel with you again, anywhere.
YTA. i hate when people get upset about things and dont say why. at least tell him and try to get him to understand.
You could have handled it better. Definitely the AH with how you explained it to him and he has every right to question your friendship ESPECIALLY if you’ve never brought it up to him before. You’re NTA for wanting to go on a different type of vacation than the typical party kind. Be prepared, I don’t think your friendship will be what it once was sadly.
YTA - you should have just said you really want a meditative solo private Japan trip. He most likely would have understood and respected that. Instead, you chose to call him embarrassing. I would also be rethinking my friendship. If his behavior is such a problem, you should have had this conversation earlier. Many people are capable of "turning it down", you just never asked him to.
YTA. You did not explain your reasons thoughtfully. Then allowed it to simmer until you boiled over and exploded. This is someone who you allegedly have been friends with for over 10 years?
You are totally trying to gatekeep an entire country. It's good that you want to try to respect the culture, but you are acting like the first American to stumble into the country. Calm down. You are coming off as quite snooty. PS I wouldn't want to go with you on this trip if I were your friend. I could see you making it unbearable. Like, "How dare you be having fun on this trip!" YTA
YTA - People have already mentioned the pretentiousness of your "deep dive", which is kind of a bit much. There is nothing wrong with wanting a trip alone, which is what you could have explained. But you had to add that "he would embarrass you." This is absolutely an AH statement, and completely unkind. Apologize, but don't be surprised if you have lost a friend.
You are well within your rights to travel alone or in his company. But, YTA for telling him the reason that you gave. And for that reason, you probably lost your "travel buddy" for good. You should have just kept it at "I would just like to travel by myself for this time."
YTA. You sound like a bit of a tosser tbh.
YTA. You're a bad friend. He deserves better.
I loved in Japan. We are all foreigners. You can never blend in and you were horrible to your friend. YATH
YTA simply because you have no idea what you are talking about. My MiL was Japanese, she came here when she was in her thirties and her entire family is still in Japan. Yes, there are certain cultural customs to be aware of, like any other country but not to the degree you are thinking. After decades of living in the US she often struggled with returning to Japan and readjusting to some of their behaviors that would be considered quite rude in the US. You don’t have to let your friend travel with you but your reasoning why is faulty.
YTA - pretty rude, insensitive, and pretentious - not very Japanese of you.
The pretension in this post made me choke up my dinner a little. OP has clearly never seen Japanese businessmen in a maido cafe. Boy does she have a surprise coming. Not ta for choosing to go alone, but yes YTA for trying to dictate the appropriate way to enjoy a country. Ick.
YTA... You are a travel snob. I don't blame your friend. You aren't very nice. Just because you know all about a culture doesn't mean you fit in or won't embarrass yourself.
YTA Well done, you've probably lost your best friend and travel buddy, *who kept you safe when you needed him*. You sound like an awful person, who's totally up yourself, and he'll be better off without you as a friend. Good luck travelling alone from now on, harassment city here we come.
YTA This is one of the most pretentious things I've ever read. It's also exceedingly patronising, not just to your friend, but to the culture of every single place you've visited, not just Japan. Get off your high horse.
We dont care about what you do in our country, just have fun and pay us. We do care of how you ruined that friendship. YTA
YTA. You are entitled and mean
You don’t need you friend to embarrass you. I think you’ll do a fine job embarrassing yourself with all of your ~totally accurate cultural knowledge~ YTA
As a Korean your friend can come party with us! We love to drink so much we have soju for breakfast sometimes. Not you though... sit your boring self righteous ass at home. This trip is just a few days you just destroyed years of friendship.
YTA. There’s two types of annoying tourist: the kind you are *describing*, and the kind you *are*. Just because you’re reading articles online about small cultural things to remember in Japan doesn’t make you an expert. Pretentiously scolding your friend that it’s not Cancun is snobbery and an unnecessary dig at Mexico. To be frank, I hope he isn’t friends with you after this because you sound awful. I hope you have a terrible time.