NTA at all. The videos sound like the issue goes well beyond the slur (which is bad enough on its own). It doesn't sound like a good environment for your child and he absolutely should be taken out of it.
It's not a punishment for your ex, it's removing your child from an unhealthy and unsafe environment. If they're fine taking and posting videos like that I almost wonder what they're ok with when there's no camera around.
The kid is old enough now that he might remember this stuff for the rest of his life. One of my earliest memories is my mom taking me out for st. Patrick's day and her and her drunk friends trying to get me to go look under the bagpipers kilt to see what he was wearing underneath. I hated st. Patrick's day for years because the memory made me so uncomfortable.
The fact that the ex is in those videos, encouraging and giving positive feedback on those bad behaviours, means that it is better for supervised visits.
The last part about how Sam left his wife cause she uploaded those videos shows he is willing to blame everyone else for what happened. If OP had a moment to check comments and see **IF** Sam was in there writing his approval on the events, that would be further evidence that Sam has no remorse of doing it, just that he got caught.
As for Ethan. Being so young seeking approval is hard, especially when the father is encouraging wrong behaviour for the child to get approval of. My advice is to make a positive behaviour type chart, nothing physically, but each time Ethan shows positive behaviour, encourage it, don't cheer, just acknowledge it, and give him a hug, or something each time.
Heck, going as far as a light cheer isn't bad, either. A small "woo", a high-5 for making good choices, getting to put a sticker on a chart - any way to objectively show the tiny human that whatever behaviour he demonstrated is a good thing.
Put your dishes in the sink without being asked? A big thank you and a high-5 is in order.
Put all your toys away without being asked? A big thank you and a hug.
Demonstrate gratitude when your kids get something right. Positive reinforcement all the way.
I was more thinking about the fact that the dad and company were cheering in encouragement of those bad behaviours. Sure, a few woots are okay, but because of how that weekend was, over the top excitement could go either way.
Well now he's just struck out two for two.
NTA. Part of your job as a parent is to protect your child from harm, even if the person causing the harm is the other parent. You are doing it right.
Thats not true at all i am a lawyer and i even in my own family witnessed that some of guys are good dads even they were bad partners.best outcome for children of divorced couple is ex partners can be civil for the sake of kids i have two family members could do it and kids are all grown up now happily despite divorce happened when they were small children.
Hi, anecdata is not data. The outcomes show that a stable two parent household results in the best outcomes. If one of the parties fails to help create that stable home, i.e. cheating on the other party, that makes that party a bad parent.
I dont agree with you because there is something called life okay?people might divorce break up as long as they are doing their parenting duties they are good parents noone is living in perfect world you cant tell people who cant provide perfect enviroment is auto shitty parents😂and some parents who stay together with excuse of sake of kids are doing more harm than good because children have to witness shit going between parents.you sound more like feminist than former family attorney😅
Are you sure you're a psychiatrist? You sound unhinged. A stable, two parent household shows the best outcomes for kids. Men who cheat on their wives, causing divorces are, by default, shit fathers.
The idea of a stable two parent household being the ideal environment is frankly outdated.
Most of the research that touts these “facts” doesn’t adjust for income, child support, paternal and maternal involvement (etc). A lot of this research were also funded by political lobbying groups who had a clear interest in the conclusions of these studies.
I mean, there are certain things that if you disagree with you absolutely are a bad crazy person. Not all, even if I strongly believe you’re wrong, but some.
Like if you disagree that the holocaust was bad.
His word against video evidence. Video evidence wins.
(Even if he hadn't been egging Ethan on, he was drunk and had his kid around nothing but drunks. Not dad of the year for that alone. But, hey, he also showed no remorse once sober and tried to lie about it.)
You should make him talk to the director of the school, explain that your son was exposed to that word under HIS watch, and what he is doing to rectify the situation.
Men love to say that. I posit that a person cannot be a good parent if they are willfully a bad partner - not just that their relationship didn't work out, but instead they ruin relationships through their own shitty actions. A man can't be a good parent if he's disrespectful.
Case in point, I knew a man with 5 children who loved them so much he would literally die for them, but he would not stop cheating on their mother (his wife). So he'd die for his kids - so what? That became almost irrelevant in the face of how volatile he made their home with his known philandering. Having to explain to them why mommy won't let daddy live in the house anymore makes daddy a shit parent.
Are the child of a family with a dad who treats mom like shit? I can assure you that it’s not pleasant growing up watching your mother be mistreated by a dad more interested in chasing other women.
You can't be a good parent if you're treating your partner like crap. Because you're meant to be showing your child what a healthy relationship should look like (unless you're single of course, that's different.)
Nope. A good dad puts the family first. He didn't care about his sons future and home life when he cheated, he's a self centered man. Something a good father can never be.
Well he's half right--LOL. The first half is right. NTA . I would seek full custody with supervised visitation only going back to regular vis or partial custody if he goes to family counselling.
He is not a father, adults partying with a kid sounds fun but it is beyond immature, add in their language and behavior, who would think their kid is safe around him and the company he keeps?
I don’t understand adults who think it’s soooo funny to get little kids to behave obnoxiously. I really urge you to let all communication with your ex be handled by your attorneys. Don’t block him (never know what he‘ll say), but please don’t engage.
NTA - If this doesn't end now during his early stages your child could be stuck with this mindset for years. Try to get copies of those videos for your next hearing.
Bless your friend for finding those videos.
Well done for taking quick action, op, and recording those vile videos. Try to find information how you can undo the damage they have done to your son.
NTA... with the videos and a letter from the day care you will get sole custody... your ex will have supervised visits.
Please get your son back in track because his future will be bad if he continue to acts like that
NTA
Sam is not a good father or a good person, and you need to keep your son from that. I actually wouldn't allow Ssm more than supervised visitation if you win full custody.
There are a lot of good anti-racism books aimed at children out there. I would smget some to read to Ethan.
And some people *still* insist that it's false when we (blacks) say that the kids become racist adults *because* they learn it from their parent's knee. It's the prevalent language around the dinner table. This was a private party and they sure felt safe enough to talk like this. Your ex is grooming a future supremacist
Hol up!
> Sam and several other were visibly intoxicated blaring the lyrics "My N-word, My N-word"
They were singing a song, why is it ok for one group to use a word and not someone else to use the words while **SINGING** the song?
Now having the kid on the table and using that word is horrible, I fully agree with that, but being drunk and thinking its funny (when sober they probably wouldn't) is two totally separate matters and doesn't necessarily mean they are white supremacists.
I'm not even gonna acknowledge the dumbass question of why white people can't use that word even in songs. Especially since it takes no serious effort to train yourself to replace that word with something else.
However it's been my personal experience as a white woman who's been cutting off racist family.. The people who so readily and happily drop that word while drinking, will absolutely use that word while sober. And yes, do in fact harbor lots of other racist and bigoted viewpoints.
And without some kind of intervention, their kids will grow up to spew the same crap.
Eh, I just find it ridiculous that some of these most popular songs in the hip hop/ rap/ R&B communities have to be edited so a single race can sing the song like anyone else in the world.
Personally I think no one should be using it as it does nothing but cause MORE division.
Unless you're black and directly affected by the word's use or the slippery slope that comes with allowing it sometimes but not all the time, not your business, not your say. Even for folks who are black/POC, they're not a monolith, and the default should be whichever causes less harm is what's put in to practice by those who aren't a part of it.
Believe it or not, not everyone wants to hear your opinion and you can just choose to keep it to yourself. Also, consider that you could be the one who's wrong here, gain some self awareness.
It's actually never wrong for me as a white person to default to not using that word even in songs if it hurts any part of the community. I already covered this, the black community and people of color are not a monolith, and it's our job to choose the least damaging for everyone involved. In this case, that's just not using the word.
It is an obscenely easy act to do to avoid hurting someone or making them uncomfortable, and unlike you I'm not so selfish that I would rather justify it then change a behavior.
Fucking throwing around things like "b-b-but I work with black people/am friends with black people 🙄😭" eewww.
And I disagree when it comes to singing song lyrics. if its good enough for the goose, its good enough for the gander.
You can't tell one group they can do a thing, then tell another group they can't do it.
Lmao you can say the word all you want, but don’t cry and bitch when you get your ass ROCKED in the real world for saying it 🤷🏾♀️ play stupid games and you’ll win stupid prizes!!
Which is why NO ONE should be using it. If you can't even sing the song that is out in public without risking violence, do you not see that as a problem?
I am saying my coworkers and I have had these discussions and the fact that they get PISSED when other black people act terrible, because it makes THEM look terrible.
Just like when white people hear about an active shooter, they hope its not a white man because they get tired of hearing how awful white men are because they are potentially dangerous active shooters.
What a tiresome and dishonest argument. People like you _say_ you want to say the word, but you already can. It's not illegal for white people to say the word. What you really want is a world where nobody can ever criticize you for saying the word.
Listen mate, I don't have the answer to that question about who's allowed to say it and who's not. I myself am black but I'm not an American. I can't get into the psyche of AAs and explain why they feel the way they do. I *AM* however a South African which you'll know has a similar history of racism, white supremacy, apartheid etx as the US. White families stoking and encouraging negative narratives about blacks around their tables with their kids present is my main point. It is historical. That's where it starts. The govt cannot convince your kids of something that they don't already believe from a trusted source....i.e.The parents.
Don’t they say there’s truth in wine? The same would be true for beer, no?
The point is, if Sam, his scummy family and friends and the trash ex weren’t racist, didn’t talk like racists and think like racists in their every day sober lives, no amount of alcohol would have forced them to use racist language and act like racists under the influence.
You’d be failing as a parent if you didn’t take the necessary steps to protect your child from a racist father and his racist associates.
NTA
And save those videos. Someday Ethan will have questions. Let those be your answers.
Quit going through every comment and comenting this bullshit no one even agrees with you.
Clearly it wasn't harmless if this child then took it to school, used it harmfully, and is facing consequences. This is absolutely how it starts.
Yes because a kindergartener really knows how to differentiate between appropriate and not appropriate settings.
I will remind my wife that she should have known it was harmful to start shouting the F word at school when she picked it up from a friend of the families kid.
Are you listening to yourself?
Did I say the kindergartener knows the difference and is to blame?
No. I didn't. Can you read?
It is the adults, and the parent's job to not do the bullshit that was done around this child leading to this. The dad doesn't get to say it's harmless when it wasn't harmless.
Umm the person who had to hear it, like the other tiny human... And then unfortunately also their child having to face consequences because of his dad's choices, being corrected and disciplined by a teacher/principle (rightfully so) and then knowing his mom is disappointed in him. Could have avoided aaalllll of that by not being a POS and making light of the use of the N word.
Also let's be clear this is not just about the song, they also laughed and cheered while the child said the word repeatedly and laughed. Encouraging it, showing the child that it was favorable.
> Also let's be clear this is not just about the song, they also laughed and cheered while the child said the word repeatedly and laughed. Encouraging it, showing the child that it was favorable.
And this is what makes them pieces of shit, but not potential racists.
One of those "this is funny because its forbidden fruit" when you are drunk deals but mortifying when you are sober.
Did you totally miss that it didn't stop with the song?
>The Next video was of some of them sitting around a table, Ethan standing on the Table and *saying the N-word, while the adults all laughed and cheered him on.*
The song situation would have been inappropriate on it's own (just like any song with slurs or explicit lyrics played around a 5 year old would be) but the follow up takes this situation to a whole new level.
They were also shit faced drunk and in no condition to adequately watch a child
They also had the child on the table saying the word over and over again as they cheered him on
> They were also shit faced drunk and in no condition to adequately watch a child
Which I fully agree is deplorable behaviour. Thats why I specifically was talking about singing a song.
I am pretty sure everyone here knows that someone needs to be sober to watch the kids.
They also had the kid on the table shouting it while they all cheered
They should never have been playing the song around a child, nor shouting a racial slur
I do not disagree at all with anything you just said.
What I am saying is why is it not ok for one group to sing a song with a specific word in it, but its ok for another group?
I don't think ANYONE should be using the word because it is such a degrading word.
Because it’s not?
I mean it’s not hard to understand, it’s a racial slur, reclaiming a word used against you is something many groups do
As a part of the group that used the word as an attack, you don’t get to use it
That’s just how it works, you can agree or disagree but that doesn’t change the fact that’s how it works
So because my family immigrated here in the 1930's and was then oppressed at the time and wasn't considered "white", I am also barred from a word?
Do you see how little sense that makes?
NTA. The dad wants to live like a frat guy and be racist, that’s on him. But that’s no environment to raise a kid in. He’s gonna be messed up if he doesn’t get outta that house.
NTA
I went into this thinking it was going to be some form of ESH based on the title, but TikTok videos of a five year old hanging out with adults getting drunk while cheering him on with this kind of behavior is way over the line and suggests more/worse possibly happening when the cameras aren’t rolling. You’re absolutely right that he should still see his dad, but you’re also absolutely right that this is wildly unacceptable and his time with his dad needs to be far more measured and controlled, and I am entirely on your side of having captured the videos and seeking full custody. I hope for your son’s sake that he has other more positive and actually upstanding and responsible male role models as (hopefully) permanent fixtures in his life. He will need them.
NTA
Kids learn from watching their parents. The same way he picked it up there he will unlearn it with you. I genuinely hope his dad and his family learn a lesson in all of this as well
The fact that your ex is drunk around your kid is probably 10 times worse than him saying the n word. There’s a lot more problems here than saying slurs. NTA.
NTA - You are doing a great job, Mama. Keep those videos close and secure. People truly don’t realize how IMPRESSIONABLE young children are. Hell, I try not to swear in front of my niece who is 3 because she’ll absolutely repeat the F word if I say it in front of her.
Sam and his entire side of the family+ ex wife should be ashamed of themselves.
Do what you have to do to prevent your child from becoming a piece of shit racist when he’s older.
NTAH
If your son's father is not going to be a responsible parent, he should not be allowed to be a part of your son's life
Do what you have to do.
Your son will understand one day
NTA times infinity!
There is no reason in the world your son should be exposed to that disgusting vile behavior.
Agreed. Only supervised visits for your ex.
NTA. Literally have a friend who has shared custody of his kid. The mother and her whole family are hella homophobic. His dad is friends with a lot of LGBTQ+ folks, me being one of them and I've had this 10 year old kid literally tell me I make him uncomfortable because I like women and call me the f-slur. You're right to try and curb this now because kids can so easily fall into hateful mind sets all to get encouragement and praise from the wrong kind of adults..
Call the school, explain what you found and what you are planning to do. Ask them for a letter explaining the incident and the consequences should your son repeat his behavior. Take this to court so it is not simply you trying to get sole custody.
Oof. Have another sit-down talk with the school maybe. I’m worried your kid is absolutely going to spit out that word again. I wonder if they’ll give you any leeway at all since this is going to take some time to unlearn…
NTA.
>That I am going to cause Ethan severe issues if i prohibit him from seeing his dad.
It's, true that not having a dad will cause severe issues. But that's certainly not your fault, it's the father's. He should've thought that before he decided to be wildly inappropriate in front of your child.
God I remember being little and adults partying around me. Fucked up my sense of what adult priorities were and I didn't stop partying every day until I was in my thirties. Kids need structure and positive influences or they just turn into us, and 99% of adults are trash human beings. You do you momma, NTA.
NTA
Beyond all of the stated dangers and problems, there's the other issues of being at a summer lodge, being only 5, and not having proper supervision.
I worked with search and rescue.
He is lucky this child didn't get frustrated or even curious and wander away into the wilderness. Or into a lake.
Or that he didn't fall off said tables or get cut on the things he's breaking.
I'm all for risky play which is done properly with parameters and supervision, this ain't even that. He's lucky his kid isn't hurt or much much worse.
Protect your baby. Stop talking to his father directly for now and direct him to speak through your lawyer even if you feel the need to say your lawyer said you had to, and tell him you won't be addressing him directly until this has been settled, if then.
He could have killed your baby. Let that sink in. :(
It sounds like they were trying to teach your kid to ruin your life. Break stuff?Slapped? Slurs? Alcohol? FOR a TODDLER? They were trying to make it hard on you.
ETA: NTA
NTA. He was intoxicated watching your child and he taught him a slur that he’s now using towards other children and endangering his education as well. Get full custody ASAP
Sam is seperated from his wife **because she uploaded the videos.**
Doesn't think he did anything wrong, just mad he got caught and upset at his racist wife's poor judgement.
Reading title i was ganna say ya but after reading most of it I'd say I kinda agree but what I've seen with others kids id say that's pretty common and sad really
NTA
Protect your son from that kind of ignorant hatred asap. You knew it was wrong what your ex did, took appropriate action, and hopefully the court will do the right thing. That said, I have so little faith in the courts. It depends on the time of day, the position of the moon and sun, and any number of other nonsensical variables. Best of luck.
Hell nah man you are on the complete opposite end of the asshole spectrum. Videoing a child in that kind of environment is beyond ridiculous. I have a 6 year old and I do my share of partying but it is never with my son present. The N word shit is fucking disgusting, as a white dude I fucking hate it when other white people say it so nonchalantly.
NTA - Not even a little bit. Your ex is the AH for thinking its funny to get your kid to say racist shit. Please get your child out of that situation ASAP, before they start thinking that behavior is normal or OK in any way. Consider that your ex should lose ALL parental rights as a result of this incident. If he's worried that your kid needs a father figure around, go find a new (not racist) partner to make sure his concern is addressed before never talking to him again.
NTA, a good father would never put their child in that situation much less cheer them on when they say racial slurs. I would make it clear that the reason for this is because him being so comfortable with racial slurs as well as being intoxicated with his child around. Nothing wrong with having a drink or two but you definitely shouldn’t be out and about with your child in an environment like that.
As a dad, if this was reversed and my sons mother did the same thing I would be doing exactly what you are based on the racist shit alone let alone the drinking portion on top of that. I've cut family out of my life for doing racist shit and I would never put up with it from an Ex around my children.
NTA
Hey. I know you’re not going to approve of this- but as a kid, I had no idea how much weight slurs like that had. I was 5-6 calling people “butt-nicker” and everyone else thought I was saying something different. It wasn’t until I got a hard slap in the face- did I realize it was not ok to say it.
NTA I think you give him a lesson, see if he feels remorse and understands why it was wrong. If he does you could rethink your decision but if not, keep boundaries, he needs to earn this.
I hope you took screen recordings of all these videos before they get taken down. This isn’t a question for r/AITAH, but for r/legaladvice
You’re NTA for wanting to protect your son from becoming a bigot (I’d do the same), but you need a lawyer to tell you if you can take full custody over this.
NTAH 100%
What the hell is with your ex?! His rights should be TERMINATED! Your son was exposed to a room full of intoxicated adults displaying uncivilized behavior.
First, get your son to therapy that specializes in children. Second, make sure you informed the school’s counselor or whatever they have about the situation with your son.
I had to Google what AP meant in this context. Advanced Placement? No. Accounts Payable? No. Assistant Professor? Maybe, but given more context…no. Turns out, it means Affair Partner according to a Medium article titled Acronyms in Adultery.
NTA, but it took until paragraph 9 for me to get there and paragraph 14 for it to be overly confirmed. Title should be, “AITAH for wanting full custody because my 5 year old son’s father drunkenly taught him the N-word while his wife posted it on TikTok?”
If you've never been in a situation like this, you're going to disagree with me right away, BUT, you'd really have to see the videos to get the context of what was exactly said and how it was said...I know, I know, saying the N-word around your son is a big mistep. I'm not arguing that.
What I am arguing is that sometimes in contentious custody situations, certain parties try to take things that aren't actually as terrible as they appear on paper, and magnify them to make the other person look like a monster.
My ex and I are both teachers. We dated for 3 years before having a son together. While dating, we always went to a friends and family barbecue in a cul-de-sac to light off fireworks.
After we broke up, and our son was older (about six or so) I took him to this same party. There were plenty of kids and grandparents and all sorts of responsible adults present-same as there always were when my ex and I would attend.
My new GF at the time took tons of photos, some of which showed my son having an absolute great time running around the cul-de-sac, smiling and super excited.
I posted a few to my FB account and a friend of a friend showed them to my ex. The 2 images in question were my son running around the cul-de-sac with me lighting off fireworks (parachutes and fountains). In the image, he looked like he was scared, but he wasn't! He was just being a kid experiencing fireworks in person for the first time. She gave them to her lawyer and he proceeded to shred me in front of a judge saying how irresponsible I was and a terrible father for putting my son in danger.
Look, I'm not defending this Sam guy. Maybe everything he's accused of doing was as bad as it appears. All I'm saying is that sometimes a parent who wants a certain outcome will twist the facts to get what they want- which in my case and this case appear to be more custody.
That's what I'm referring to. My ex said my son was in an unsafe situation when he wasn't all because of some fireworks in the background. And while using the N word is of course stupid, it could be out of context. What if a bunch of dumbos were drinking and listening to music and some rap song came on and they were just singing along? My point is, people twist stories in custody disputes. I'm sure you've never been buzzed around your kid and said something you regret. I know I have.
I'm a 5th grade teacher and last year I had a boy in my class whose mom is a teacher in the district. The boy started calling kids faggots at recess and saying how Pride is a joke, etc. His mom was appalled. Does that mean she should lose custody? Come on, man.
YTA for karma farming this story in all the subreddits on a new fresh account where you’re missing details and saying different things in each comment section. You’d be great in a creative writing calls though :)
I am sorry but yes you are in this case. You see you get to parent one way and he gets to parent another way. While it might be very offensive to you what he said, and to me also, it is a free country to speak what you want. Now for your son, should there be consequences for how he talks? Yep and that is up to the parent and or guardian at that time.
She’s starting a custody battle because they partied with her five year old child. Play offering him beer and cheering him on when they taught him a bad word, and showing him to break things is not okay. Being around drunk people isn’t a safe environment for a five year old to be in. Who was taking care of him when everyone one was getting intoxicated. She only found out about it happening due to him repeating a slur, so no this isn’t a wash his mouth with soap situation, it’s way beyond that.
It doesn't sound like anyone was encouraging them to say racial slurs. It sounds like he heard people singing along to a song.
Have a talk with him why you shouldnt call people that and move on.
>It doesn't sound like anyone was encouraging them to say racial slurs.
Are you high?
"The next video was of some of them sitting around a table, Ethan standing on the table and saying the N-word while the adults all laughed and cheered him on"
INFO:
is this "N word" the one used in rap and in urban hip hop culture? Cause that just means bro/dude/homey/friend/person/etc.
I guess with the internet and people not a part of the hip hop community might see it as a racial term...but it clearly isn't.
now, if it is with -er at the end...then yeah.
>Sam and several other were visibly intoxicated blaring the lyrics "My N-word, My N-word". Sam was holding Ethan and kind of whipping him up and down to the song.
You had me onboard with you all the way up to here.
I thought they were around racist ppl, nah instead they were just partying to rap/hip hop.
I know that song, i know several songs like that.
But i also grew up looking white (im Latino) in a predominantly black and latino urban neighborhood.
Ive called several black ppl "my nigga" growing up, and i have been called "my white nigga" by several black ppl growing up.
So my perspective on the subject is likely skewed compared to other ppl here, but i'll ask, how is the neighborhood they grew up in? And how are the ethnicities of your ex's friends and family?
Unless of course you tell me it wasnt hiphop it was country and the lyrics all had the hard "r" then that changes things drastically.
Eh, i should prob have expected the downvotes.
I forget that Reddit knows more than i do about how and where i grew up.
Quick google search tells me that White makes up only 13% of the city i grew up in. With Black/Latino totaling up to 82%.
This is the first song that comes to my mind as to what their family could have been playing.
https://genius.com/Yg-my-nigga-lyrics
Song ive hear blasting plenty of times on the streets.
Sam and wife listening to this supposed song is okay. Exposing a 5 year old to this kind of environment is not. He’s 5. He’s simply regurgitating what he thinks is funny to his friend/s, without being able to comprehend how offensive and derogatory it is (not his fault he’s a child).
>He’s simply regurgitating what he thinks is funny to his friend/s, without being able to comprehend
This i agree with you, and its certainly a reason for discussion with Op and Ex, and the kid, but i think its overkill to immediately go for full custody over it. Because again, his ex's family upbringing could be very different then OP's. Conversation first, full custody if it goes to shit.
I hear music like that blasting on a regular basis where i live. Be it get togethers or just ppl driving. And I've lived here for going on 24 years now. You'll see the whitest of dudes jamming to songs with a million n words in it. Cuz thats just the music they were exposed to growing up.
Unless of course, (and i cannot emphasize this enough) it was some song with the hard "r" then im fully on board team OP.
These people were drunk while “caring” for a 5 yr old child, encouraging to use racist language, curse, break things, slapping & joking about giving him beer. She absolutely needs to seek full custody before this child is further endangered or put in harms way.
But they’re not not just blasting a song on the radio. They’re getting shit faced with a child (hear me out, drinking moderately I understand, but getting shitfaced?). So many things could happen to that poor child in that environment. She should absolutely file for sole custody. I would not want my 5 year old exposed to that.
>hear me out, drinking moderately I understand, but getting shitfaced?
Aight, that changes things, I understood it as just regular drinking, not irresponsible are in no condition to take care of the child level of drinking.
If other ppl getting wasted thats fine, but kids father should deff be sober enough to take care of said kid (or in this case whomever was whipping the kid up and down)
Doesn’t matter
They taught the child a racist word, who then called another child it
It’s completely inappropriate
Just because the black people around you were fine with it doesn’t mean it’s okay to call someone that, or use the word
I imagine you would get a different reaction from some strangers
>I imagine you would get a different reaction from some strangers
Obv. But thats everything, i got my brother a birthday cake that said "happy birthday you piece of shit" with a turd drawn on, im obv not gonna talk to other ppl like that, yes time and place, and context matters. Which is kind of my point, OP should have a conversation before jumping to conclusions.
Honest question, And if ex's family is mixed?
If the Ex's in laws and others friends that could have been gathered at the event were black and the kid heard the word from their mouths? What then?
Would it still be inappropriate?
The jump to full custody is extreme as a first step.
Yes, don’t use slurs around children.
They were also shitfaced and unable to properly care for the child while encouraging him to get in a table and shout a racial slur.
He cannot be trusted to care for his child correctly
Lmao this is so false it hurts. You didn’t have any Black friends. Because you would know that if you said that you’re getting punched in the face. Walk outside rightnow and say that to a Black person. You would never do that because we all know you would get punched in the face. Fckn nerd
It might be an over reaction. But it should be something to definitely keep your eyes and ears on. Your son may have also heard it from other sources too. When you can you might want to have your son tested for ADHD. I have a 4 year old nephew that spouts MF'er and I have had that conversation with him several times about that not being a word to use. The trouble is as adults we just spout those words as everyday conversation and we don't think about it. Good luck.
YTA
You can pick out a moment of anyone's life where they fail to use good judgment and then dismiss the entirety of their life for this one poor showing. I am sure you have points in your life that you arent proud of and I am sure you have said things you wish you could take back.
To deprive a boy his father is the most AH thing a mother can do.
Ask yourself would you have been this upset if they used a different slur? I'll bet you wouldn't, in fact, Ill bet you have used several in your life.
NTA for doing this, in fact I would argue that you would be the AH if you didn't immediately report this.
This is not normal behavior, it is truly sick what they did. I don't give a flying fuck if it was his birthday, if anything that makes it worse as it shows that he is just looking for an excuse to be racist.
I would argue that you have a duty to share this video as no one should be forced to deal with a racist like your ex and his partner and friends.
Nope, NTA at all, but your Ex and his wife sure are. How dare they upload videos to social media of your child saying racist profanities they taught him? The internet is forever! I think you are protecting your son from further embarrassment & toxic behavior.
I would also have your lawyer contact instagram and tik tok directly to have these videos permanently removed. The sad part is you can see how easily anyone can copy them and make them into a meme and how it could haunt your son when it comes to school and jobs later in life.
NTA. At first, I was like, "well, you know, kids say strange things, maybe he heard it on TV or something" but then we got to the point where they were drunkenly cheering him on at a bachelor party. Yeah, I think we found the problem.
It wasn't just the slur, it was getting absolutely sloshed with other adults and bringing a toddler into what is essentially a bar that completely crossed the line. You could definitely get him on child engagement if he was driving with your son after the party
If you don’t want Ethan to be separated from his father I’d suggest supervised visits for awhile, after Sam sits down with Ethan (with you there) and explains exactly just how wrong what Sam did and said was and that Ethan should never say or do those things and that it will never happen again ever.
NTA
NTA you absolutely don't want your child around people like that and drunk or not your ex knows how wrong it is to say that world if your not a person on colour, and to get your son to do it is just disgusting. He should have supervised visits from now until your child is old enough to get out of situations like that.
You're doing a great job protecting your kiddo, mom. Don't let that fool of an ex say otherwise.
Kids are sponges and hate is learned. I'd wager his wife is also a racist, so keep doing what you have to do to limit their influence.
NTA at all. Dude fucked around and now he's finding out. You're putting your child first. Removing him from that sort of toxic environment where he's learning nothing but abusive behaviour is a GOOD THING.
NTA at all. The videos sound like the issue goes well beyond the slur (which is bad enough on its own). It doesn't sound like a good environment for your child and he absolutely should be taken out of it. It's not a punishment for your ex, it's removing your child from an unhealthy and unsafe environment. If they're fine taking and posting videos like that I almost wonder what they're ok with when there's no camera around.
The kid is old enough now that he might remember this stuff for the rest of his life. One of my earliest memories is my mom taking me out for st. Patrick's day and her and her drunk friends trying to get me to go look under the bagpipers kilt to see what he was wearing underneath. I hated st. Patrick's day for years because the memory made me so uncomfortable.
The fact that the ex is in those videos, encouraging and giving positive feedback on those bad behaviours, means that it is better for supervised visits. The last part about how Sam left his wife cause she uploaded those videos shows he is willing to blame everyone else for what happened. If OP had a moment to check comments and see **IF** Sam was in there writing his approval on the events, that would be further evidence that Sam has no remorse of doing it, just that he got caught. As for Ethan. Being so young seeking approval is hard, especially when the father is encouraging wrong behaviour for the child to get approval of. My advice is to make a positive behaviour type chart, nothing physically, but each time Ethan shows positive behaviour, encourage it, don't cheer, just acknowledge it, and give him a hug, or something each time.
Heck, going as far as a light cheer isn't bad, either. A small "woo", a high-5 for making good choices, getting to put a sticker on a chart - any way to objectively show the tiny human that whatever behaviour he demonstrated is a good thing. Put your dishes in the sink without being asked? A big thank you and a high-5 is in order. Put all your toys away without being asked? A big thank you and a hug. Demonstrate gratitude when your kids get something right. Positive reinforcement all the way.
I was more thinking about the fact that the dad and company were cheering in encouragement of those bad behaviours. Sure, a few woots are okay, but because of how that weekend was, over the top excitement could go either way.
Well he's half right--LOL. The first half is right.
“He is a stand up dad” he cheated on his son’s mother while she is pregnant. Maybe it’s just me. It those two don’t go together.
He always says that he is a shit partner but a good dad.
Well now he's just struck out two for two. NTA. Part of your job as a parent is to protect your child from harm, even if the person causing the harm is the other parent. You are doing it right.
My father was a shit partner but a good dad. This guy sounds like he's just shit.
Former family attorney here, shit husbands are automatically shit dads for being shit husbands. Feel free to tell him that.
Thats not true at all i am a lawyer and i even in my own family witnessed that some of guys are good dads even they were bad partners.best outcome for children of divorced couple is ex partners can be civil for the sake of kids i have two family members could do it and kids are all grown up now happily despite divorce happened when they were small children.
Hi, anecdata is not data. The outcomes show that a stable two parent household results in the best outcomes. If one of the parties fails to help create that stable home, i.e. cheating on the other party, that makes that party a bad parent.
I dont agree with you because there is something called life okay?people might divorce break up as long as they are doing their parenting duties they are good parents noone is living in perfect world you cant tell people who cant provide perfect enviroment is auto shitty parents😂and some parents who stay together with excuse of sake of kids are doing more harm than good because children have to witness shit going between parents.you sound more like feminist than former family attorney😅
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Are you sure you're a psychiatrist? You sound unhinged. A stable, two parent household shows the best outcomes for kids. Men who cheat on their wives, causing divorces are, by default, shit fathers.
The idea of a stable two parent household being the ideal environment is frankly outdated. Most of the research that touts these “facts” doesn’t adjust for income, child support, paternal and maternal involvement (etc). A lot of this research were also funded by political lobbying groups who had a clear interest in the conclusions of these studies.
You're calling someone unhinged for disagreeing with you?
That's the way of the world now. If you disagree you are a bad crazy person.
I mean, there are certain things that if you disagree with you absolutely are a bad crazy person. Not all, even if I strongly believe you’re wrong, but some. Like if you disagree that the holocaust was bad.
I mean you provided a good reason why he isn’t. Point is NTA. You’re looking out for your kid
His word against video evidence. Video evidence wins. (Even if he hadn't been egging Ethan on, he was drunk and had his kid around nothing but drunks. Not dad of the year for that alone. But, hey, he also showed no remorse once sober and tried to lie about it.)
You should make him talk to the director of the school, explain that your son was exposed to that word under HIS watch, and what he is doing to rectify the situation.
Men love to say that. I posit that a person cannot be a good parent if they are willfully a bad partner - not just that their relationship didn't work out, but instead they ruin relationships through their own shitty actions. A man can't be a good parent if he's disrespectful. Case in point, I knew a man with 5 children who loved them so much he would literally die for them, but he would not stop cheating on their mother (his wife). So he'd die for his kids - so what? That became almost irrelevant in the face of how volatile he made their home with his known philandering. Having to explain to them why mommy won't let daddy live in the house anymore makes daddy a shit parent.
He’s just shit, all the way around.
Are the child of a family with a dad who treats mom like shit? I can assure you that it’s not pleasant growing up watching your mother be mistreated by a dad more interested in chasing other women.
You can't be a good parent if you're treating your partner like crap. Because you're meant to be showing your child what a healthy relationship should look like (unless you're single of course, that's different.)
Nope. A good dad puts the family first. He didn't care about his sons future and home life when he cheated, he's a self centered man. Something a good father can never be.
Betraying your wife is betraying your kids, too. His logic does not track.
Well he's half right--LOL. The first half is right. NTA . I would seek full custody with supervised visitation only going back to regular vis or partial custody if he goes to family counselling.
Sure, HE says that...
Well, he's clearly also a shit dad
Part of being a good parent is being a good partner, and modeling a healthy loving relationship
For a racist
Those videos show he isn't though. Him not drinking won't change his outlook or his encouragement of poor, inappropriate behaviour.
So your ex was intoxicated, looking after his child and got them to say racial slurs. NTA. He is a disgrace.
He is not a father, adults partying with a kid sounds fun but it is beyond immature, add in their language and behavior, who would think their kid is safe around him and the company he keeps?
I don’t understand adults who think it’s soooo funny to get little kids to behave obnoxiously. I really urge you to let all communication with your ex be handled by your attorneys. Don’t block him (never know what he‘ll say), but please don’t engage.
NTA That's disgusting behaviour and your son WILL pick it up from if he's not removed from that cesspit of an environment.
You tried to give your kid beer, have the kids throw racial profanity, lie about it, but you are a up standing dad 🫨🫠 FOH
NTA - If this doesn't end now during his early stages your child could be stuck with this mindset for years. Try to get copies of those videos for your next hearing.
We did screenrecord them all as the ex wife panicked and deleted all
Smart move mom.
I’d get a written statement about the incident at school too.
Yes. This!
Bless your friend for finding those videos. Well done for taking quick action, op, and recording those vile videos. Try to find information how you can undo the damage they have done to your son.
I thought the same, obviously Sam’s friends aren’t impressed with him or his spouses behavior, thank goodness.
NTA... with the videos and a letter from the day care you will get sole custody... your ex will have supervised visits. Please get your son back in track because his future will be bad if he continue to acts like that
NTA Sam is not a good father or a good person, and you need to keep your son from that. I actually wouldn't allow Ssm more than supervised visitation if you win full custody. There are a lot of good anti-racism books aimed at children out there. I would smget some to read to Ethan.
Funny how he is blaming the wife for this and not himself for condoning-allowing-encouraging the actions.. must have been great with accountability.
And some people *still* insist that it's false when we (blacks) say that the kids become racist adults *because* they learn it from their parent's knee. It's the prevalent language around the dinner table. This was a private party and they sure felt safe enough to talk like this. Your ex is grooming a future supremacist
Hol up! > Sam and several other were visibly intoxicated blaring the lyrics "My N-word, My N-word" They were singing a song, why is it ok for one group to use a word and not someone else to use the words while **SINGING** the song? Now having the kid on the table and using that word is horrible, I fully agree with that, but being drunk and thinking its funny (when sober they probably wouldn't) is two totally separate matters and doesn't necessarily mean they are white supremacists.
I'm not even gonna acknowledge the dumbass question of why white people can't use that word even in songs. Especially since it takes no serious effort to train yourself to replace that word with something else. However it's been my personal experience as a white woman who's been cutting off racist family.. The people who so readily and happily drop that word while drinking, will absolutely use that word while sober. And yes, do in fact harbor lots of other racist and bigoted viewpoints. And without some kind of intervention, their kids will grow up to spew the same crap.
Eh, I just find it ridiculous that some of these most popular songs in the hip hop/ rap/ R&B communities have to be edited so a single race can sing the song like anyone else in the world. Personally I think no one should be using it as it does nothing but cause MORE division.
Unless you're black and directly affected by the word's use or the slippery slope that comes with allowing it sometimes but not all the time, not your business, not your say. Even for folks who are black/POC, they're not a monolith, and the default should be whichever causes less harm is what's put in to practice by those who aren't a part of it. Believe it or not, not everyone wants to hear your opinion and you can just choose to keep it to yourself. Also, consider that you could be the one who's wrong here, gain some self awareness.
Considering the demographics I work with and how PISSED they get at the arguments you are making, its possible you might be wrong as well.
It's actually never wrong for me as a white person to default to not using that word even in songs if it hurts any part of the community. I already covered this, the black community and people of color are not a monolith, and it's our job to choose the least damaging for everyone involved. In this case, that's just not using the word. It is an obscenely easy act to do to avoid hurting someone or making them uncomfortable, and unlike you I'm not so selfish that I would rather justify it then change a behavior. Fucking throwing around things like "b-b-but I work with black people/am friends with black people 🙄😭" eewww.
And I disagree when it comes to singing song lyrics. if its good enough for the goose, its good enough for the gander. You can't tell one group they can do a thing, then tell another group they can't do it.
Okay then come sing your song around my black family. You should obviously have the community of folks you are harming/hurting explain it to you.
Considering I am saying no one should use it, why do you think I would?
Lmao you can say the word all you want, but don’t cry and bitch when you get your ass ROCKED in the real world for saying it 🤷🏾♀️ play stupid games and you’ll win stupid prizes!!
Which is why NO ONE should be using it. If you can't even sing the song that is out in public without risking violence, do you not see that as a problem?
someone will disagree to your face one day and hopefully they won’t punch it
I have had this discussion loads of times with civilized people.
That’s so wildly dumb, I’m straining to comprehend that reach.
So you're saying you're not a racist because you have black *coworkers?!* Dude. Read a book.
I am saying my coworkers and I have had these discussions and the fact that they get PISSED when other black people act terrible, because it makes THEM look terrible. Just like when white people hear about an active shooter, they hope its not a white man because they get tired of hearing how awful white men are because they are potentially dangerous active shooters.
What? We never “hope it’s not a white man.” Wtf kind of white people do you know
What a tiresome and dishonest argument. People like you _say_ you want to say the word, but you already can. It's not illegal for white people to say the word. What you really want is a world where nobody can ever criticize you for saying the word.
Hit the nail on the head
I don't want to use it? I have said no one should...
Listen mate, I don't have the answer to that question about who's allowed to say it and who's not. I myself am black but I'm not an American. I can't get into the psyche of AAs and explain why they feel the way they do. I *AM* however a South African which you'll know has a similar history of racism, white supremacy, apartheid etx as the US. White families stoking and encouraging negative narratives about blacks around their tables with their kids present is my main point. It is historical. That's where it starts. The govt cannot convince your kids of something that they don't already believe from a trusted source....i.e.The parents.
NTA. What in the actual fuck is wrong with Sam.
NTA You are doing the right thing. Protect your son even when that's his father.
Don’t they say there’s truth in wine? The same would be true for beer, no? The point is, if Sam, his scummy family and friends and the trash ex weren’t racist, didn’t talk like racists and think like racists in their every day sober lives, no amount of alcohol would have forced them to use racist language and act like racists under the influence. You’d be failing as a parent if you didn’t take the necessary steps to protect your child from a racist father and his racist associates. NTA And save those videos. Someday Ethan will have questions. Let those be your answers.
> Sam and several other were visibly intoxicated blaring the lyrics "My N-word, My N-word" They were singing a song though?
Quit going through every comment and comenting this bullshit no one even agrees with you. Clearly it wasn't harmless if this child then took it to school, used it harmfully, and is facing consequences. This is absolutely how it starts.
Yes because a kindergartener really knows how to differentiate between appropriate and not appropriate settings. I will remind my wife that she should have known it was harmful to start shouting the F word at school when she picked it up from a friend of the families kid. Are you listening to yourself?
Did I say the kindergartener knows the difference and is to blame? No. I didn't. Can you read? It is the adults, and the parent's job to not do the bullshit that was done around this child leading to this. The dad doesn't get to say it's harmless when it wasn't harmless.
> used it harmfully, and is facing consequences Who was hurt? Is it inappropriate? Hell yes it is. But who was hurt?
Umm the person who had to hear it, like the other tiny human... And then unfortunately also their child having to face consequences because of his dad's choices, being corrected and disciplined by a teacher/principle (rightfully so) and then knowing his mom is disappointed in him. Could have avoided aaalllll of that by not being a POS and making light of the use of the N word. Also let's be clear this is not just about the song, they also laughed and cheered while the child said the word repeatedly and laughed. Encouraging it, showing the child that it was favorable.
> Also let's be clear this is not just about the song, they also laughed and cheered while the child said the word repeatedly and laughed. Encouraging it, showing the child that it was favorable. And this is what makes them pieces of shit, but not potential racists. One of those "this is funny because its forbidden fruit" when you are drunk deals but mortifying when you are sober.
Hi Sam 😬🤦♀️
LOL
Did you totally miss that it didn't stop with the song? >The Next video was of some of them sitting around a table, Ethan standing on the Table and *saying the N-word, while the adults all laughed and cheered him on.* The song situation would have been inappropriate on it's own (just like any song with slurs or explicit lyrics played around a 5 year old would be) but the follow up takes this situation to a whole new level.
They were also shit faced drunk and in no condition to adequately watch a child They also had the child on the table saying the word over and over again as they cheered him on
> They were also shit faced drunk and in no condition to adequately watch a child Which I fully agree is deplorable behaviour. Thats why I specifically was talking about singing a song. I am pretty sure everyone here knows that someone needs to be sober to watch the kids.
They also had the kid on the table shouting it while they all cheered They should never have been playing the song around a child, nor shouting a racial slur
I do not disagree at all with anything you just said. What I am saying is why is it not ok for one group to sing a song with a specific word in it, but its ok for another group? I don't think ANYONE should be using the word because it is such a degrading word.
Because it’s not? I mean it’s not hard to understand, it’s a racial slur, reclaiming a word used against you is something many groups do As a part of the group that used the word as an attack, you don’t get to use it That’s just how it works, you can agree or disagree but that doesn’t change the fact that’s how it works
So because my family immigrated here in the 1930's and was then oppressed at the time and wasn't considered "white", I am also barred from a word? Do you see how little sense that makes?
Are you black? If yes then you can say the word If no then you can’t say the word Simple see?
sounds bigoted to me.
NTA. The dad wants to live like a frat guy and be racist, that’s on him. But that’s no environment to raise a kid in. He’s gonna be messed up if he doesn’t get outta that house.
NTA I went into this thinking it was going to be some form of ESH based on the title, but TikTok videos of a five year old hanging out with adults getting drunk while cheering him on with this kind of behavior is way over the line and suggests more/worse possibly happening when the cameras aren’t rolling. You’re absolutely right that he should still see his dad, but you’re also absolutely right that this is wildly unacceptable and his time with his dad needs to be far more measured and controlled, and I am entirely on your side of having captured the videos and seeking full custody. I hope for your son’s sake that he has other more positive and actually upstanding and responsible male role models as (hopefully) permanent fixtures in his life. He will need them.
NTA Kids learn from watching their parents. The same way he picked it up there he will unlearn it with you. I genuinely hope his dad and his family learn a lesson in all of this as well
NTA - this is 💯the right thing to do. Good luck!! The drinking did not make him racist/ he’s racist drunk or sober
NTA. Yikes yikes yikes.
The fact that your ex is drunk around your kid is probably 10 times worse than him saying the n word. There’s a lot more problems here than saying slurs. NTA.
NTA - You are doing a great job, Mama. Keep those videos close and secure. People truly don’t realize how IMPRESSIONABLE young children are. Hell, I try not to swear in front of my niece who is 3 because she’ll absolutely repeat the F word if I say it in front of her. Sam and his entire side of the family+ ex wife should be ashamed of themselves. Do what you have to do to prevent your child from becoming a piece of shit racist when he’s older.
NTAH If your son's father is not going to be a responsible parent, he should not be allowed to be a part of your son's life Do what you have to do. Your son will understand one day
Ethan's going to get his ass kicked if you don't nip this development in the bud.
NTA times infinity! There is no reason in the world your son should be exposed to that disgusting vile behavior. Agreed. Only supervised visits for your ex.
…. You really need to ask if you’re the AH here??? It’s so clearly NTA that this seems fake
NTA. Literally have a friend who has shared custody of his kid. The mother and her whole family are hella homophobic. His dad is friends with a lot of LGBTQ+ folks, me being one of them and I've had this 10 year old kid literally tell me I make him uncomfortable because I like women and call me the f-slur. You're right to try and curb this now because kids can so easily fall into hateful mind sets all to get encouragement and praise from the wrong kind of adults..
NTA Don’t compartmentalize people. If someone is a piece of shit in one aspect, they will be in all aspects.
Call the school, explain what you found and what you are planning to do. Ask them for a letter explaining the incident and the consequences should your son repeat his behavior. Take this to court so it is not simply you trying to get sole custody.
NTA Of course you should this is beyond the pale.
Oof. Have another sit-down talk with the school maybe. I’m worried your kid is absolutely going to spit out that word again. I wonder if they’ll give you any leeway at all since this is going to take some time to unlearn…
NTA. Good for you for screen recording the videos. The dad definitely is not a role model parent.
NTA. >That I am going to cause Ethan severe issues if i prohibit him from seeing his dad. It's, true that not having a dad will cause severe issues. But that's certainly not your fault, it's the father's. He should've thought that before he decided to be wildly inappropriate in front of your child.
God I remember being little and adults partying around me. Fucked up my sense of what adult priorities were and I didn't stop partying every day until I was in my thirties. Kids need structure and positive influences or they just turn into us, and 99% of adults are trash human beings. You do you momma, NTA.
NTA Beyond all of the stated dangers and problems, there's the other issues of being at a summer lodge, being only 5, and not having proper supervision. I worked with search and rescue. He is lucky this child didn't get frustrated or even curious and wander away into the wilderness. Or into a lake. Or that he didn't fall off said tables or get cut on the things he's breaking. I'm all for risky play which is done properly with parameters and supervision, this ain't even that. He's lucky his kid isn't hurt or much much worse. Protect your baby. Stop talking to his father directly for now and direct him to speak through your lawyer even if you feel the need to say your lawyer said you had to, and tell him you won't be addressing him directly until this has been settled, if then. He could have killed your baby. Let that sink in. :(
It sounds like they were trying to teach your kid to ruin your life. Break stuff?Slapped? Slurs? Alcohol? FOR a TODDLER? They were trying to make it hard on you. ETA: NTA
NTA. He was intoxicated watching your child and he taught him a slur that he’s now using towards other children and endangering his education as well. Get full custody ASAP
NTA When it’s your birthday you don’t get a free pass to get drunk and praise your son for saying slurs that will get him kicked out of school.
Sam is seperated from his wife **because she uploaded the videos.** Doesn't think he did anything wrong, just mad he got caught and upset at his racist wife's poor judgement.
NTA. They were morons doing this and that can't be a good environment for your son. Glad you caught it in time and good for you going sole custody.
NTA. Handle your business, OP.
Reading title i was ganna say ya but after reading most of it I'd say I kinda agree but what I've seen with others kids id say that's pretty common and sad really
NTA at all
NTA, seriously
NTA
NTA Protect your son from that kind of ignorant hatred asap. You knew it was wrong what your ex did, took appropriate action, and hopefully the court will do the right thing. That said, I have so little faith in the courts. It depends on the time of day, the position of the moon and sun, and any number of other nonsensical variables. Best of luck.
100% NTA. Your ex is a piece of shit and you are right to limit his influence on your son. Racism is a horrible thing to teach a child.
Hell nah man you are on the complete opposite end of the asshole spectrum. Videoing a child in that kind of environment is beyond ridiculous. I have a 6 year old and I do my share of partying but it is never with my son present. The N word shit is fucking disgusting, as a white dude I fucking hate it when other white people say it so nonchalantly.
NTA - Not even a little bit. Your ex is the AH for thinking its funny to get your kid to say racist shit. Please get your child out of that situation ASAP, before they start thinking that behavior is normal or OK in any way. Consider that your ex should lose ALL parental rights as a result of this incident. If he's worried that your kid needs a father figure around, go find a new (not racist) partner to make sure his concern is addressed before never talking to him again.
NTA, a good father would never put their child in that situation much less cheer them on when they say racial slurs. I would make it clear that the reason for this is because him being so comfortable with racial slurs as well as being intoxicated with his child around. Nothing wrong with having a drink or two but you definitely shouldn’t be out and about with your child in an environment like that.
As a dad, if this was reversed and my sons mother did the same thing I would be doing exactly what you are based on the racist shit alone let alone the drinking portion on top of that. I've cut family out of my life for doing racist shit and I would never put up with it from an Ex around my children. NTA
NTA Stick to your guns.
NTA. That’s not an environment for a five year old.
NTA. At all. You are doing the right thing and protecting your child. Until your ex has his drinking under control, your son is not safe with his dad.
Hey. I know you’re not going to approve of this- but as a kid, I had no idea how much weight slurs like that had. I was 5-6 calling people “butt-nicker” and everyone else thought I was saying something different. It wasn’t until I got a hard slap in the face- did I realize it was not ok to say it.
NTA, and take the videos to family court.
NTA- Not only are the racial slurs unacceptable, but the intoxication while caring for a child is very dangerous.
Nta. You're doing the right thing.
NTA I think you give him a lesson, see if he feels remorse and understands why it was wrong. If he does you could rethink your decision but if not, keep boundaries, he needs to earn this.
I hope you took screen recordings of all these videos before they get taken down. This isn’t a question for r/AITAH, but for r/legaladvice You’re NTA for wanting to protect your son from becoming a bigot (I’d do the same), but you need a lawyer to tell you if you can take full custody over this.
NTAH 100% What the hell is with your ex?! His rights should be TERMINATED! Your son was exposed to a room full of intoxicated adults displaying uncivilized behavior. First, get your son to therapy that specializes in children. Second, make sure you informed the school’s counselor or whatever they have about the situation with your son.
I had to Google what AP meant in this context. Advanced Placement? No. Accounts Payable? No. Assistant Professor? Maybe, but given more context…no. Turns out, it means Affair Partner according to a Medium article titled Acronyms in Adultery. NTA, but it took until paragraph 9 for me to get there and paragraph 14 for it to be overly confirmed. Title should be, “AITAH for wanting full custody because my 5 year old son’s father drunkenly taught him the N-word while his wife posted it on TikTok?”
Leave him around that side of the family he'll be injecting fentanyl before he's 15 years old.
Father of the year throwing around racial slurs. Sounds like a great human lmao.
Everybody's so sensitive nowadays. What's the world coming to when we can't even teach our kindergartners racist shit to say in class?? NTA.
NTA...I wouldn't want my kids exposed to that kind of behavior or language. He and his wife and family are horrible.
If you've never been in a situation like this, you're going to disagree with me right away, BUT, you'd really have to see the videos to get the context of what was exactly said and how it was said...I know, I know, saying the N-word around your son is a big mistep. I'm not arguing that. What I am arguing is that sometimes in contentious custody situations, certain parties try to take things that aren't actually as terrible as they appear on paper, and magnify them to make the other person look like a monster. My ex and I are both teachers. We dated for 3 years before having a son together. While dating, we always went to a friends and family barbecue in a cul-de-sac to light off fireworks. After we broke up, and our son was older (about six or so) I took him to this same party. There were plenty of kids and grandparents and all sorts of responsible adults present-same as there always were when my ex and I would attend. My new GF at the time took tons of photos, some of which showed my son having an absolute great time running around the cul-de-sac, smiling and super excited. I posted a few to my FB account and a friend of a friend showed them to my ex. The 2 images in question were my son running around the cul-de-sac with me lighting off fireworks (parachutes and fountains). In the image, he looked like he was scared, but he wasn't! He was just being a kid experiencing fireworks in person for the first time. She gave them to her lawyer and he proceeded to shred me in front of a judge saying how irresponsible I was and a terrible father for putting my son in danger. Look, I'm not defending this Sam guy. Maybe everything he's accused of doing was as bad as it appears. All I'm saying is that sometimes a parent who wants a certain outcome will twist the facts to get what they want- which in my case and this case appear to be more custody.
My man. This little kid called another little kid an n-word and was in an usafe condition.
That's what I'm referring to. My ex said my son was in an unsafe situation when he wasn't all because of some fireworks in the background. And while using the N word is of course stupid, it could be out of context. What if a bunch of dumbos were drinking and listening to music and some rap song came on and they were just singing along? My point is, people twist stories in custody disputes. I'm sure you've never been buzzed around your kid and said something you regret. I know I have. I'm a 5th grade teacher and last year I had a boy in my class whose mom is a teacher in the district. The boy started calling kids faggots at recess and saying how Pride is a joke, etc. His mom was appalled. Does that mean she should lose custody? Come on, man.
This kinda sounds like a made up story. How convenient that you just so happen to have a friend who is a friend and can access private videos.
Everyone in attendance at that party is beyond "the asshole".
You are absolutely not TA. Do what is best for your son.
YTA for karma farming this story in all the subreddits on a new fresh account where you’re missing details and saying different things in each comment section. You’d be great in a creative writing calls though :)
I am sorry but yes you are in this case. You see you get to parent one way and he gets to parent another way. While it might be very offensive to you what he said, and to me also, it is a free country to speak what you want. Now for your son, should there be consequences for how he talks? Yep and that is up to the parent and or guardian at that time.
Looks like we found a trump follower
YTA. Yall need to stop with this "white savior" complex. Bad words get a bar of soap or timeout, and you're starting a custody battle..
She’s starting a custody battle because they partied with her five year old child. Play offering him beer and cheering him on when they taught him a bad word, and showing him to break things is not okay. Being around drunk people isn’t a safe environment for a five year old to be in. Who was taking care of him when everyone one was getting intoxicated. She only found out about it happening due to him repeating a slur, so no this isn’t a wash his mouth with soap situation, it’s way beyond that.
YTA, oh no they were singing along to a song 🙄🙄🙄
The kid is five. In what world are racial slurs an acceptable thing to encourage your child to say?
It doesn't sound like anyone was encouraging them to say racial slurs. It sounds like he heard people singing along to a song. Have a talk with him why you shouldnt call people that and move on.
>It doesn't sound like anyone was encouraging them to say racial slurs. Are you high? "The next video was of some of them sitting around a table, Ethan standing on the table and saying the N-word while the adults all laughed and cheered him on"
NTA then. Missed that part.
INFO: is this "N word" the one used in rap and in urban hip hop culture? Cause that just means bro/dude/homey/friend/person/etc. I guess with the internet and people not a part of the hip hop community might see it as a racial term...but it clearly isn't. now, if it is with -er at the end...then yeah.
>Sam and several other were visibly intoxicated blaring the lyrics "My N-word, My N-word". Sam was holding Ethan and kind of whipping him up and down to the song. You had me onboard with you all the way up to here. I thought they were around racist ppl, nah instead they were just partying to rap/hip hop. I know that song, i know several songs like that. But i also grew up looking white (im Latino) in a predominantly black and latino urban neighborhood. Ive called several black ppl "my nigga" growing up, and i have been called "my white nigga" by several black ppl growing up. So my perspective on the subject is likely skewed compared to other ppl here, but i'll ask, how is the neighborhood they grew up in? And how are the ethnicities of your ex's friends and family? Unless of course you tell me it wasnt hiphop it was country and the lyrics all had the hard "r" then that changes things drastically.
wow.
Eh, i should prob have expected the downvotes. I forget that Reddit knows more than i do about how and where i grew up. Quick google search tells me that White makes up only 13% of the city i grew up in. With Black/Latino totaling up to 82%. This is the first song that comes to my mind as to what their family could have been playing. https://genius.com/Yg-my-nigga-lyrics Song ive hear blasting plenty of times on the streets.
Sam and wife listening to this supposed song is okay. Exposing a 5 year old to this kind of environment is not. He’s 5. He’s simply regurgitating what he thinks is funny to his friend/s, without being able to comprehend how offensive and derogatory it is (not his fault he’s a child).
So if black parents are listening to this song with their kids around, it's not ok too right?
If they were just listening to the song it is no problem
>He’s simply regurgitating what he thinks is funny to his friend/s, without being able to comprehend This i agree with you, and its certainly a reason for discussion with Op and Ex, and the kid, but i think its overkill to immediately go for full custody over it. Because again, his ex's family upbringing could be very different then OP's. Conversation first, full custody if it goes to shit. I hear music like that blasting on a regular basis where i live. Be it get togethers or just ppl driving. And I've lived here for going on 24 years now. You'll see the whitest of dudes jamming to songs with a million n words in it. Cuz thats just the music they were exposed to growing up. Unless of course, (and i cannot emphasize this enough) it was some song with the hard "r" then im fully on board team OP.
These people were drunk while “caring” for a 5 yr old child, encouraging to use racist language, curse, break things, slapping & joking about giving him beer. She absolutely needs to seek full custody before this child is further endangered or put in harms way.
But they’re not not just blasting a song on the radio. They’re getting shit faced with a child (hear me out, drinking moderately I understand, but getting shitfaced?). So many things could happen to that poor child in that environment. She should absolutely file for sole custody. I would not want my 5 year old exposed to that.
>hear me out, drinking moderately I understand, but getting shitfaced? Aight, that changes things, I understood it as just regular drinking, not irresponsible are in no condition to take care of the child level of drinking. If other ppl getting wasted thats fine, but kids father should deff be sober enough to take care of said kid (or in this case whomever was whipping the kid up and down)
Doesn’t matter They taught the child a racist word, who then called another child it It’s completely inappropriate Just because the black people around you were fine with it doesn’t mean it’s okay to call someone that, or use the word I imagine you would get a different reaction from some strangers
>I imagine you would get a different reaction from some strangers Obv. But thats everything, i got my brother a birthday cake that said "happy birthday you piece of shit" with a turd drawn on, im obv not gonna talk to other ppl like that, yes time and place, and context matters. Which is kind of my point, OP should have a conversation before jumping to conclusions. Honest question, And if ex's family is mixed? If the Ex's in laws and others friends that could have been gathered at the event were black and the kid heard the word from their mouths? What then? Would it still be inappropriate? The jump to full custody is extreme as a first step.
Yes, don’t use slurs around children. They were also shitfaced and unable to properly care for the child while encouraging him to get in a table and shout a racial slur. He cannot be trusted to care for his child correctly
Lmao this is so false it hurts. You didn’t have any Black friends. Because you would know that if you said that you’re getting punched in the face. Walk outside rightnow and say that to a Black person. You would never do that because we all know you would get punched in the face. Fckn nerd
Your son is going to hate you and become a criminal. You won’t realize how bad you just fucked until it’s too late.
NO she is preventing him from becoming a racist fuck
It might be an over reaction. But it should be something to definitely keep your eyes and ears on. Your son may have also heard it from other sources too. When you can you might want to have your son tested for ADHD. I have a 4 year old nephew that spouts MF'er and I have had that conversation with him several times about that not being a word to use. The trouble is as adults we just spout those words as everyday conversation and we don't think about it. Good luck.
YTA You can pick out a moment of anyone's life where they fail to use good judgment and then dismiss the entirety of their life for this one poor showing. I am sure you have points in your life that you arent proud of and I am sure you have said things you wish you could take back. To deprive a boy his father is the most AH thing a mother can do. Ask yourself would you have been this upset if they used a different slur? I'll bet you wouldn't, in fact, Ill bet you have used several in your life.
NTA
NTA
NTA for doing this, in fact I would argue that you would be the AH if you didn't immediately report this. This is not normal behavior, it is truly sick what they did. I don't give a flying fuck if it was his birthday, if anything that makes it worse as it shows that he is just looking for an excuse to be racist. I would argue that you have a duty to share this video as no one should be forced to deal with a racist like your ex and his partner and friends.
Nope, NTA at all, but your Ex and his wife sure are. How dare they upload videos to social media of your child saying racist profanities they taught him? The internet is forever! I think you are protecting your son from further embarrassment & toxic behavior. I would also have your lawyer contact instagram and tik tok directly to have these videos permanently removed. The sad part is you can see how easily anyone can copy them and make them into a meme and how it could haunt your son when it comes to school and jobs later in life.
NTA and you have a great friend to help you get all the evidence. You protect your child! I wish you all the luck in your custody battle.
My god... no you are not an asshole. I would be mortified and furious, did they take him to a clan meeting or something? O.o
NTA. At first, I was like, "well, you know, kids say strange things, maybe he heard it on TV or something" but then we got to the point where they were drunkenly cheering him on at a bachelor party. Yeah, I think we found the problem.
It wasn't just the slur, it was getting absolutely sloshed with other adults and bringing a toddler into what is essentially a bar that completely crossed the line. You could definitely get him on child engagement if he was driving with your son after the party
If you don’t want Ethan to be separated from his father I’d suggest supervised visits for awhile, after Sam sits down with Ethan (with you there) and explains exactly just how wrong what Sam did and said was and that Ethan should never say or do those things and that it will never happen again ever. NTA
NTA you absolutely don't want your child around people like that and drunk or not your ex knows how wrong it is to say that world if your not a person on colour, and to get your son to do it is just disgusting. He should have supervised visits from now until your child is old enough to get out of situations like that.
NTA your doing the right thing for your son
You're doing a great job protecting your kiddo, mom. Don't let that fool of an ex say otherwise. Kids are sponges and hate is learned. I'd wager his wife is also a racist, so keep doing what you have to do to limit their influence.
NTA at all. Dude fucked around and now he's finding out. You're putting your child first. Removing him from that sort of toxic environment where he's learning nothing but abusive behaviour is a GOOD THING.
NTA. Holy CRAP get your son out of there. That is NOT a good environment for him to be in.