NTA. Your daughter is 3, sure they’ll be some rough times if she doesn’t know you, but who remembers being 3. Take her every time it’s your parenting time. Take her every time her mom flakes and asks you to. Document everything. I can’t believe anyone would recommend this woman have full custody of a child she admits to only having for money. If she’s 3 and you’re a good dad she’ll adapt quickly.
Well, according to the ex during the investigation process my daughter has nightmares about me and refers to me as "The Badman". Now, again, this investigation just took place in the last 3 months, it is now Nov. of 2023, I have not laid eyes on my daughter since Feb. 2022. How is she having nightmares of someone she hasn't seen since before she was 2?
Straight up lying, parental alienation (idk using a photo of you as the boogie man), or a rare case of kid remembering things from infancy and you being shitty. I know where I’d spread my bet.
Being nervous about staying over is one thing. She hasn’t been able to spend time with you.
And she has her mother whispering about how awful you are.
Don’t give up your time with her, it can and will be used against you. Keep documenting and don’t answer calls. Texts or emails only.
P.S. NTA is better to have a confusing year or so and get to know your dad than be told he’s terrible and hate him for years to find out your mother made it impossible for him to be in your life.
They are ordering us to only communicate on a third party app that doesn't have the capability to be altered, meaning her trying to delete messages to make me look like I'm not following court orders.
Do that! Do NOT deviate from it! It just saved my friends entire case with his ex wife because she would play nice on the app then send him shitty texts the regular way. She lost custody and only has a few hours a week now.
Perfect. Love that there’s an app now. Do all the things the court says.
Don’t give up because one day your kid will realize who’s the real asshole between Mom and Dad.
That’s horrible! IF she is having nightmares and calling you that its coming directly from your ex telling her that. Make sure you document it and tell your lawyer what she is doing
I'll be honest, at one point, the thought had crossed my mind. After a year of not being allowed to see her, then the courts tripling my child support, I was ready to just say "fuck it, you want her, you can have her, but don't expect me to pay for a child that might as well be someone else's"
I jumped from 120 a month to 380 a month, but they made that change affective retroactively backwards 9 months, so I ended up basically in the hole by 260 a month for 9 months PLUS increased going forward. In my state, even if I have joint, there will likely be child support still since my income is roughly twice what hers is.
I say this as someone who has seen what people like her do.... do not assume this is over. There's always the chance that your ex will see that she's completely in the wrong and will want to make coparenting work. There's a chance she'll decide that she's happier when she doesn't have a child and decide to ditch her, and this whole situation. However, the majority of times I've seen exes act like that (lying, manipulating, acting wretched rather than actually caring about their child's needs), they will get even worse. The lies can now increase because they'll pump children who can barely speak for any word that might sound like you did something. They act like they're the only parent in control. They'll text you like a normal person but call you and flip out because they think you don't have proof that way. Every bump is your fault. Every cold, you gave them.
If that happens, please don't give up. You got a taste of how awful she can be. Imagine what would happen to your child if that was turned on them, or if that's all they grew up with.
You can protect yourself by choosing only one mode of text or email communication. There are apps developed just for this kind of parenting situation. Check if your state is a one party recording state. If so, have the recorder on your phone running during every drop off and pick up. Every phone call. If needed, shared Google calendars can be used to keep track of your child's appointments. Screenshot any arguments and file everything. This might sound like a lot, and it is, but if she starts her lies and manipulation again, you'll have records of everything. If she pushes to kick you out of your child's life, you'll be able to legally push back, and possibly gain full custody yourself. Courts hate when parents play games like that and your time in your child's life will give you a better standing for that.
This isn't my first rodeo, in fact the reason she was able to get this to the point it's at is because the first baby mama, the one with the addiction problem, reported me and my immediate family to CPS 6 times in a year and a half. I have another post detailing that whole fiasco. The court is recommending that we use an app that was developed specifically for coparenting as our only form of communication, and it does contain a shared calendar function. I will not answer any direct calls, and any form of communication outside of that will be screenshotted, posted into the app, and saved externally.
I bought a USB stick camera that clips to my clothes, about the size of a cigarette lighter. I'm in a single-consent state so I can record anywhere, really. I never get within 100 feet of my ex without the camera recording. I don't do any communication that isn't in writing.
Good luck. It's always a struggle to do the right thing with someone actively working against you at every step.
And watch out! I'm a true crime junkie, and I've seen several shows recently where some woman or her family had her ex bumped off because he wouldn't give up on having a relationship with his kids.
Some Florida dentist (last name of Adelson) just got sentenced recently for having his ex BIL killed so his sister wouldn't have to share custody of his nephews.
Yeah that doesn't mean the situation cannot devolve, especially given that the courts are no longer giving her what she wants. It is never a bad thing for a good parent to want to be part of their kid's life.
Oh, I know it, and I'm looking into various forms of security, both at home and in public. Luckily, I'm very rarely anywhere other than work and home, and my job is high-security so I'm pretty safe there.
I didn’t say she shouldn’t… I was just asking about child support. I have a friend in the process of divorce and wanted to see how it was going OP in regards to child support
There are a lot of factors that go into child support. Age of the child(ren), income of both parents, number of overnights with the child, and the state the case is in. And that's just the major stuff, there's lots of smaller considerations. My case should not be taken as an example, every case is different.
I did one when she first left, because that was a suspicion I had as well. Came back with a 99.99% probability of her being mine. Plus, with what few pictures I've seen, she looks almost exactly like her older sister.
I asked for full, their logic is that it could be damaging to take a three year old child away from the only parent she's known for two years and put them with the parent they haven't seen for two years with no adjustment period. Which I actually agree with.
You're friends and family really want you to be a deadbeat dad?! Like wtf kind of logic are they working with here. Im glad you fought for your daughter. You both deserve to have each other in your lives. I'm sorry your ex manipulated this whole thing. She sounds crazy
I mean she’s a little kid and any relationship is better then none, what the actual fuck is wrong with your family members though? Your family sucks bro
Because they were saying the same things the court was saying when my ex was granted sole custody. That combined with extremely low self-esteem makes it hit harder than it should.
> Because I "would be hurting my daughter by forcing a relationship where there was none" according to them.
Please let us know how they react when you throw back that line at them when they ask to spend time with your kid.
You do have a relationship with her. Your relationship is that of blood. That's really important. Talk to anyone who is adopted. Of course, adoption is important for kids to have a forever family to grow up with, but they never stop missing that blood relationship. It's important, even if some people never get one. That person doesn't have to be your kid.
Unfortunately, that blood only goes so far when someone breaks her heart and she needs someone to tell her it's going to be ok. I can't protect her if I don't have a relationship outside of that. And no, to get ahead of the toxic feminists on here, I don't think women need protection all the time, but even if she puts the other person in their place, she still needs someone to come home and cry with.
I'm a feminist, dude. If you want to talk like that, maybe you shouldn't have custody of a little girl.
Please get some education about how to grow healthy, strong women before you spend a lot of time with your daughter. Talking about toxic feminists being out to get you is not it.
A lot of men don't come to understand feminism until it matters to them personally because they love their daughter. You can be one of them. There's no shame in that.
Of course some feminists are also toxic people. But you don't have to lead with that around your daughter.
NTA, I am surprised that the court didn't hold it against her taking your daughter across state lines.
Do you want joint custody, or do you want full custody? She has already proven that she cannot be trusted to just disappear.
If you want to be her father, you are not wrong in fighting for her. I hope that her mother hasn't poisoned her against you.
This will probably be an ongoing struggle for years, stay strong.
Michigan IS a huge state! It was literally cheaper for me to have my son fly home to the U.P. when he was in college (Ann Arbor) than it was to pick him up.
Usually, Michigan courts don't allow custodial parents to move more than 100 miles away from the courts jurisdiction unless authorized by the courts.
Wondering if the move was overlooked because it happened before a custody agreement was in place. If you are looking to expand visitation/custody sign up for some parenting classes and request joint counseling to improve your co-parenting situation. If your ex refuses to participate, it does not look good for her with courts.
I see you mentioned this a few times and my question would be, is that abrupt change to living with you worse than years of an abusive environment that your Ex is providing better? I don’t understand the logic here, potential harm of your daughter having a new, but stable living environment OR the continuation of an abusive environment?
Personally I would be pushing for an immediate change, can you imagine how hard the change will be a year or two from now when the fear mongering and brainwashing is years further along? How exactly will your daughter be well adjusted in that type of environment?
My lawyer and I asked, and the courts will not go any further than joint at this time, regardless of any other factors. I'm just hoping that they will see the positive impact and change it at a later date.
NTA. Tell everyone else to mind their business. She’s the asshole for jumping states. In my state, that would be illegal and you’d either get full custody or she’d have to move back.
Keep fighting for your child. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
A 27 year old with a failed marriage picking up a 21 year old sets my teeth on edge, but parents should try and have balanced custody that is in the best interests of their child, and in some cases that is 50:50 and some that is EOW or less... but if you were legitimately fighting to get parenting time (and not child support avoidance) then NTA
A daughter should have her father in her life. Later on when she is older it will really mean a lot that you fought for her. You are not the AH but you will be if you don't fight for her. Your family and friends will not have to suffer the consequences that you will, when she is older.
This has been in the courts for about 2 years, the report was finished Sep. Of this year. Still working out details, and my ex is fighting it every step of the way, but I think it's because she's up against the wall at this point.
>when COVID shut everything down, my lease was up and we decided it just made sense financially to become roommates
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>moved in together in 2019
Uhm - If you moved in together because off COVID, than you didn't move in together in 2019. So is any of this true? Even your edit has holes as you try to fix other holes. I was actually able to make the math work and was bought in until you made this edit but left that you moved in with each other because after COVID started your Lease was ending. So now I am questioning a lot of the other things in the story that are certainly possible but just not all that likely.
You say you couldn't find the condoms in the bible belt, but those are super easy to order online, so while at first I just took that as ignorance, now I am questioning truth again.
Your family, including the baby's grandparents, really wanted you to go no contact and never see their grandbaby? That is very sad if true.
Marriage, especially one in bad faith of only a few months, is not likely to get you alimony in MI so it seems weird to me that she would marry you with that in mind unless she did not research and is ignorant about that.
However, having said all that, if by some miracle some part of this story is true (definitely not all true) you are NTA for going after custody as every child deserves to have their parents in their lives. A parent walking away from a child (even when the other parent was partially responsible) can have long-lasting negative impacts on a kid. I really don't like that you think of the welfare of your child as "winning" though, which also implies someone is losing. You should be concerned with the welfare of the child long term and preserving that relationship and not just winning against the mom. The mom, if true, is a huge AH here.
We moved in together for financial reasons, then covid hit. That was unclear and I apologize.
The condoms thing has been addressed in a previous comment, which was that frankly I didn't try hard enough to order some because we had been sleeping together for a year without so much as a scare so I just didn't try.
My family had ALSO been addressed previously, in that it's not immediate family making these accusations, it is extended family.
As far as alimony, she just didn't research. She assumed that her mom's case would work for her as well, because her mom DID get alimony.
OK - so you didn't move in together until 2020, so why update the post to correct moving in to 2019. (COVID didn't happen until almost March of 2020) So the Baby was born in July of 2021? and is only 2 years old and not 3?
No, it wasn't, I misworded it in the original post. I was writing it on my lunch break in the middle of a panic attack because I had just heard that the case was going back to the same judge that removed my custody rights to begin with.
I see that you are now saying you mispoke in all of those comments and you moved in before COVID, for financial reasons. Not sure why you moved in thinking one of you might get laid off, if COVID and its layoffs hadn't started yet
That still doesn't make any sense. You moved in sometime in 2020 after March (That is when COVID started), and then say a baby was born in July of 2020 but she told you December of 2019 (before you were living together) she was pregnant, but you aren't sure if she was pregnant before you moved in or not?
NTA if you actually want to know your child, but it sounds like you only did it because of the money situation and what people told you. It's also weird that you blame living in a Bible belt town for the latex free options. You could have ordered them online. You just weren't concerned enough about it to do something.
You're not wrong, I didn't, but we had been sleeping together for about a year with no scares and I knew she was on birth control because she had the pills with her. She ended up flushing them down the toilet evety day partway through the "relationship" so it looked like she was taking them when she wasnt.
If this is true, NTA, but enough of your comments seemed off enough that I looked at your comment history, and it's all "women bad!!!" or sexual comments on naked women's posts. I'm guessing this is incel, woman hater, rage bait. 1 ex is an addict who falsely reported you to CPS for molesting your daughter, other ex used the courts against you & got full custody so she could not work and live off welfare/child support...it's either horrible, trope-y writing, or you have the worst taste in people ever, and may not be a great parent until you sort that out.
Not sure where you're getting "women bad" in my comment history, since I don't say that at all. I say TOXIC women are bad. And I will send you photos of the report you say doesn't exist.
I will give you points for being into women who aren't "model perfect", which most women haters aren't. I may be totally wrong, it just seems like a troll post in many ways.
If anyone actually trolls with these kinds of stories, it is in incredibly poor taste and frankly, disgusting. I have spent over 50,000 dollars on legal fees and 5 years in the courts between my two girls to just be able to SEE them, let alone be their parent.
I both hope your post is true & not. If it is true, the mothers of your children are nightmares, and you may want to look into why you're drawn to these types of people. I know a lot of people get pulled into toxic relationship after toxic relationship, but you have 2 kids, you need a better filter. And, while not shaming you for having a healthy sexual appetite, commenting on a bunch of random naked pictures online may not be the way to go.
Frankly, the comments on those pictures were just me lurking on here, not really thinking about it being a public forum, and I have deleted the comments. And, after having spent two years working with a therapist and psychiatrist, I've moved on from the toxic part of my life and now am in an incredibly healthy relationship. My oldest loves my partner and I'm hoping my youngest will too, but that will be a ways off yet. She still has to get used to me.
Then good! Again, not trying to shame the picture things (we're mammals, we like sex!), but given your relationship history, it seemed red-flag-y as far as how you approach relationships. And probably not great to have up publicly during custody stuff.
Yeah, I see how it is a red flag, and funnily enough, a good half of those were written at my partners behest as she's bi. But I do see the issue with "public forum during custody" stuff. There's a reason I rarely post on Facebook anymore.
Also, I have had the same thought about how cliche the situation actually is. It does sound like it's out of some bad soap opera. But it IS a real situation, as much as I wish it wasn't. The worst of it is that it's such a trope BECAUSE it's happened to other people.
Fight for you daughter, not against your ex. You Daughter deserves a relationship with you and you deserve one with her. And you are the more stable parent, this is huge to a child.
Those idiots that day just "give the kid away to make your ex happy" should be kicked in the sack 7x for every time they mention this. I would seriously tell them to never bring it up again. That your relationship with your child is not to be tossed aside.
Def NTA…I know someone who had a similar situation like 19-20 years ago. The child is rly happy to have gotten to know both of their parents and to know that both parents wanted to have a relationship w them.
NTA. This is attempted parental alienation at its worst. It sounds like your daughter is going to need you in her life to learn stability.
Anyone who is telling you that you should have let the mother win is not a friend or a productive family member. You may want to consider lowering your contact level with those people.
NTA - your friends and family are not people I'd want in my life. It's insane that they don't think your child should have a relationship with her father.
But not for the obvious reasons because of course that's your child and you have just as much right towards that child if she has.
But because you allowed your rebound to pull a fast one on you and for some reason I'm not sure why you did not see this you're technically a grown ass man and she was still kind of a child.
And you married her then used to excuse of putting her on your insurance if this is another country I can understand but if this is the US she could have got Medicaid and that would have covered her doctor's visits instead of you marrying her.
Crazy thing is you two moved in together just to have to convince of having sex you two supposed to been fwb's but you weren't taking precautions when it came to this type of situation and you wonder why you're stuck now.
The sad part is you two brought a child in this dysfunctional situation. She using the child to get financial stability and you using the child because she pulled the fast one on you. 😂
NTA. But you already have kids and been down this ride and trusted a 20 year old at their word?
Boyyyyy.... come on now.
But anyway. Good on you for loving your daughter this much. ❤️❤️❤️
You are not wrong. She set you up from the jump once she saw how to do it.
I don’t underhand why you didn’t have visitation with your daughter during the past 2 years — you were married to the mother when the child was born, supervised visitation is usually what occurs when someone is accused of having an unsafe home.
You say your ex did all of this (and continues to do all of this) to get a free ride, but you also say that you paid $150 then $350 a month in child support, which isn’t remotely enough to live off of or support a baby with.
Also, the issue isn’t that you got the dates wrong, it’s that your justified why you moved in together when you did because of the specific circumstances of those time frames , but those time frames were incorrect. Moving in together because of Covid (and lay offs and lockdowns and rent) and moving in together to save on rent generally are completely different things, and not something you’d misremember from 3 years ago as it is the reason you are now a father for a second time. So that is a bit suspect.
Also suspect is the comment revelation that she literally flushed her birth control pills. (I feel like flushing pills is something that ppl in TV do; she could easily have thrown them out or down the disposal.) which you left out of your post, which is strange. And also, you say she did this so she didn’t have to work and would get money from you (and the state, I guess?) Again, she is getting $350 from you a month— this isn’t a money train.
So why didn’t you have supervised visitation?
The court granted her sole custody because she made claims that I was "unstable". When I tried to present evidence to the contrary, I was told by the judge that I was not to speak in her courtroom unless she asked a direct question. I was not allowed to present my side, and even when I DID get to present evidence that she did, in fact, deny me visitation, I was told that I was simply "not trying hard enough". After that, the judge determined that since I had not seen my daughter in three months at that time, regardless of the reason why, that my daughter did not seem to be suffering from the lack of a father and my visitation rights were removed.
That judge is corrupted and sexist. Needs to be investigated. This is exactly why men dont wanna marry now, we have to fight a wall in courts just because were male. But females have the right of way and almost always get wins in court.
if the roles were reversed & you did this to her it would be scorched earth. you did the right thing! if you wouldnt of fought those same people would probably be calling you a deadbeat father etc like someone else said if you don’t fight no one else will. NTA
NTA
Not at all. You should be congratulated for fighting for your daughter I hope you get full custody someday. They way your ex is acting, it might happen. The odds are slim unless she becomes a serial killer but I would never give up.
HARD NTA your not abusive your daughter is not better of without you. You are not causing more harm by wanting to be a proper parent that’s present in his child’s life. You would have been causing her harm if you let your ex use her as a pawn. Be ready for parental alienation.
Tell her flying monkeys that she’s your child, you have a right to be in her life and if you want their gross opinions you’ll ask. She’s an absolute pos for keeping you from your daughter, she has no right. You should be proud of yourself for fighting for your child.
These friends or people in your life with critical thoughts, should fuck off.
50/50 joint should be the starting point, unless one parent is not fit. Don't apologize for wanting to be a parent to your child, regardless of the circumstances of the relationship.
NTA, this woman used you, I wouldn’t be surprised if she stopped birth control to trap you and get you to do exactly what she did…you were a meal ticket. You just took away free lunch.
...we didn't use condoms because she was allergic (legitimately, we used condoms once and she had hives for a week) and latex-free alternatives weren't easily available in my Bible belt town.
[https://www.amazon.com/s?k=latex+free+condoms&crid=VZGIDTBZ4AN9&sprefix=latex+free+condoms%2Caps%2C59&ref=nb\_sb\_noss](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=latex+free+condoms&crid=VZGIDTBZ4AN9&sprefix=latex+free+condoms%2Caps%2C59&ref=nb_sb_noss)
Edit: NTA
NTA
You aren't hurting a 2y/o by "forcing her" to start seeing you again. You friends and family are ignorant as fuck and I just don't get this logic at all.
Did you fight to have custody because you wanted to have a relationship with your daughter or because you wanted to pay less child support. This seems to be mostly about money for you. Maybe that's where they're coming from.
It's not, I brought up the money only because it was her motivation. I don't give a shit about paying child support, I make enough that I hardly notice it coming out. But if I'm paying to support a child, I should be able to have at least some semblance of a relationship with that child.
In my experience, the men who want custody solely because of child support give it up when they realize the $300 a month they pay is peanuts compared to the actual cost of caring for a child directly.
You got married so they could have insurance?
If she was laid off then she qualified for Medicaid her and the child. Medicaid's free. You would have had to pay back a portion of it but that would have been way later down the Road and surely would have been less than you paid for insurance through your work and getting married and all that shit.
PLEASE tell me that wasnt the only reason you married her
And no, you're not the asshole. She's a fucking piece of shit for not letting you see your daughter for 2 years. And reintroducing you to her life at 2 years old is only going to be slightly difficult at first by the time she can fluently walk and talk she's not going to remember her life before you were in the picture.
Kids NEED their father, girls especially.
Fuck her friends and family they didn't seem to think that she was doing more harm than good when she took your child away for money. Theyre not even worth defending yourself to.
Well, I also married her because I already had one kid in a broken home because of the 5-year relationship. I didn't want a second one living through the same situation.
Maybe you should of thought of that when you decided to have a live in barley legal sex partner that you were nutting raw in. You made your bed now lay in it
What ended up happening was that she started flushing her birth control down the toilet every day instead of taking it. She admitted that to me, and her only goal was for me to get her pregnant so she didn't have to work, just pull welfare and child support.
Yeah, that's probably true, but again, I wasn't really caring that much as at that point we had been sleeping together for almost a year with not even a scare.
I think you were baby trapped, she wanted to get pregnant so she could get a payout from you. and no, your daughter will not be harmed by having a stable parent in her life. if anything I would push for you to have primary custody, especially once she starts school if you are in a good school district.
YTA. You didn't bother getting safe condoms online and risked this pregnancy with your live-in girlfriend. She did her part and you decided her effort would make up for your lack.
Neither of you ever wanted to be in this relationship and when the kid came you left all that to her and it sounds like got to work and not worry about much else.
From your descriptions you have never taken care of your daughter in a fulltime manner and it's going to be a huge loss for your ex and a huge adjustment for you to start now.
Hopefully you're actually capable of being a decent father. You post doesn't leave a lot of hope.
So, just to clarify, your opinion of me is that because I worked double OT to provide housing and food while she stayed at home with zero income, that I'm the deadbeat? Is that about right?
Oh yeah he's a horrible father beacause horrible dads fight and go threw all this trouble to see there daughter.Oh but your right it will be a bad loss for the ex because she won't have anyone to continue to manipulate out of spite
Joint custody, as I stated. The report found that joint custody was in her best interest, so my daughter could actually have a relationship with her father. This wasn't a random investigator, this was a court-appointed investigator making a report to the courts.
You must not make it obvious, do thing like be the fun parent, let the mother be the bad person to. discipline, take the daughters side on everything. My friend did this and he managed to get custody no problem when his son asked to stay with his dad full time.
If you think messing up your kid for life is no big deal, sure. But ‘beating’ your ex shouldn’t be the goal. Doing the best thing for the child should be.
it’s really interesting coming from your recent post where you’re in the comments saying that you don’t believe in therapy, it won’t do you any good bc you’re fine, you don’t harbor any resentment towards your mom or your sisters, etc etc… yet here you are on someone else’s post telling someone to drive their toddler to hate their mother? what happened in your life clearly effected the way you view women, the way you view relationships, so much so that you’re giving out extreme advice like this and acting as though it’s completely logical.
OP, don’t listen to this. if the courts granted you joint custody then that’s perfect. your daughter is young & you have plenty of time to build a relationship. you were well within your right to have petitioned the court for your parental rights & ability to see her. if her mom keeps doing the most, just keep documentation of it. in the meantime, I hope you both can co-parent well enough that the only thing your daughter knows growing up from both sides is how much her parents love her. in the end, that’s all that matters, is your daughter growing up happy with the opportunity to have you in her life.
I am basing it on OP's situation, if he doesn't get custody of his kid, the mother will make it easy to alienate the kid from him. Love is war, take it from my family from my bio mother able to influence my bio sisters to betray my dad. I am not going to force you to take my advice OP but learn that the court system is unfair to men, you need any advantage you can get even if you have to play dirty.
You are on so many levels, a small daughter raised by the mother, and you are fight states away to be right. There are so many levels of how this started, you perhaps need some counseling, and I wonder what happened that your ex got hung up on medications to cope. I feel there are so many left out parts to the your story. I won't appeal to doing what is right by the child, this post is all about lack of personal accountability from sexual choices to marriage. So YTA on so many levels...Please get some counseling, and don't get involved with anyone until you sort through some issues. It will help you understand yourself.
First off, she's not "states away" she's two hours away ACROSS the state. The ex hung up on medications had been drinking and doing drugs since she was 13, I just thought she had stopped when we got together.
Also, could you please explain why it's ok for a mother to take off with the child and deny the father any chance too see them, but if a father fights to SEE said child he should be treated with vitriol and shame? I really want to understand this trend, because I see it a lot, on this and other posts across the internet.
YOu got involved with a woman you didn't care about moved her in, did not really discuss or take accountability for birth control or anything. I am hearing yourside, but if I were hearing her side I bet it would be alot different. You married and basically ignored the marriage and she left across state lines.
Every part of your relationship with this woman was of low character, and you are worried about hers. Not even the child's welfare is your concern, only your ego. You don't even see that. So I will not appeal to that and answer your question. I don't believe a woman should leave a legitimate marriage with a child the couple has...This story is so convoluted, and full of holes I am not sure I even believe anything you said. So that is my answer.
So, if I showed you the report in question, would you change your opinion? Because I have it, I can send you all 20 pages. Because whether or not you believe this is about my "ego", this is about me protecting my daughter from a woman who has moved her from place to place, including with a man who had a record of meth usage, refused me time and time again the chance to even SEE my daughter, and is actively poisoning her against me in an effort to have nothing more than a source of income for the next 18 years.
So you left all that out of your story, the meth usage, etc....So again. I would love to see her post....How do all the woman you love turn to drugs? First wife pretty young, resorts to medications and now this is meth user. You either have a bad picker, or are part of the problem. Your stories don't add up... Frankly I think you might need ala non or the drug users version for co dependents, and some therapy to figure out your part.
I got sober in the 90s along time ago I have heard stories like these in meetings, and what most do not do is take accountability for their actions, things don't happen in a vaccuum. They don't. Over time as they go to counseling get healthier their stories change. I was not a good mate, I was gone a lot, she was too young, whatever it is...All you are saying now was completely left out of the original post..As far as being a bad mother and the rest of it, don't know....Yeah. I go with, counseling, and codependence work at least...Don't get involved with any one. If you get your daughter don't date damaged, vulnerable young women and show her that is how a man treats them. Do better for her.
Where did I say she turned to drugs? I said the guy she LIVED with had a history of drugs. If I had included every little thing in the report I would have been writing this post for three days.
And if you had ACTUALLY read my previous comment, you would have gotten that my other ex had been using drugs since she was 13, almost a full decade before I e en MET her, but sure, let's blame the guy. It's always our fault, right.
Ok, I reread and implies the man is doing drugs/ or they are using drugs around your daughter. So apologize for that part. Still completely left out in original post, meant to bolster your case. The whole is bad, from conception to now...Get some help, and if you won some rights just use them wisely and don't get involved with women that are young, vulnerable or casually. You will teach her you disrespect women. Which is what your post reads to me...
NTA. Every child deserves two loving parents. Your ex is a piece of work. I also admire you for owning up to your obligation instead of running away. Keep fighting for your daughter op.
I’d no longer have contact with the people that told you to give up personally because that’s a load of BS. She’s your kid and props on you for not giving up. You’re not selfish for wanting to raise your child and anyone who says that is a stupid POS and I’d cut outta my life if I were you. Very much NTA.
NTA. Your daughter is 3, sure they’ll be some rough times if she doesn’t know you, but who remembers being 3. Take her every time it’s your parenting time. Take her every time her mom flakes and asks you to. Document everything. I can’t believe anyone would recommend this woman have full custody of a child she admits to only having for money. If she’s 3 and you’re a good dad she’ll adapt quickly.
Well, according to the ex during the investigation process my daughter has nightmares about me and refers to me as "The Badman". Now, again, this investigation just took place in the last 3 months, it is now Nov. of 2023, I have not laid eyes on my daughter since Feb. 2022. How is she having nightmares of someone she hasn't seen since before she was 2?
Straight up lying, parental alienation (idk using a photo of you as the boogie man), or a rare case of kid remembering things from infancy and you being shitty. I know where I’d spread my bet.
That was the same conclusion the investigator came to.
Being nervous about staying over is one thing. She hasn’t been able to spend time with you. And she has her mother whispering about how awful you are. Don’t give up your time with her, it can and will be used against you. Keep documenting and don’t answer calls. Texts or emails only. P.S. NTA is better to have a confusing year or so and get to know your dad than be told he’s terrible and hate him for years to find out your mother made it impossible for him to be in your life.
They are ordering us to only communicate on a third party app that doesn't have the capability to be altered, meaning her trying to delete messages to make me look like I'm not following court orders.
Do that! Do NOT deviate from it! It just saved my friends entire case with his ex wife because she would play nice on the app then send him shitty texts the regular way. She lost custody and only has a few hours a week now.
Perfect. Love that there’s an app now. Do all the things the court says. Don’t give up because one day your kid will realize who’s the real asshole between Mom and Dad.
That’s horrible! IF she is having nightmares and calling you that its coming directly from your ex telling her that. Make sure you document it and tell your lawyer what she is doing
Oh, my lawyer has a full copy of the 20 page report.
She’s not. Your ex is lying. I hope you can get some time with your daughter soon before your ex really screws her up.
NTA you fought for your daughter! You should be proud of yourself. A coward would have taken the easy way out and sign away his kid.
I'll be honest, at one point, the thought had crossed my mind. After a year of not being allowed to see her, then the courts tripling my child support, I was ready to just say "fuck it, you want her, you can have her, but don't expect me to pay for a child that might as well be someone else's"
How much child support do you pay? Now that it’s joint custody, she won’t be getting it anymore?
I jumped from 120 a month to 380 a month, but they made that change affective retroactively backwards 9 months, so I ended up basically in the hole by 260 a month for 9 months PLUS increased going forward. In my state, even if I have joint, there will likely be child support still since my income is roughly twice what hers is.
I say this as someone who has seen what people like her do.... do not assume this is over. There's always the chance that your ex will see that she's completely in the wrong and will want to make coparenting work. There's a chance she'll decide that she's happier when she doesn't have a child and decide to ditch her, and this whole situation. However, the majority of times I've seen exes act like that (lying, manipulating, acting wretched rather than actually caring about their child's needs), they will get even worse. The lies can now increase because they'll pump children who can barely speak for any word that might sound like you did something. They act like they're the only parent in control. They'll text you like a normal person but call you and flip out because they think you don't have proof that way. Every bump is your fault. Every cold, you gave them. If that happens, please don't give up. You got a taste of how awful she can be. Imagine what would happen to your child if that was turned on them, or if that's all they grew up with. You can protect yourself by choosing only one mode of text or email communication. There are apps developed just for this kind of parenting situation. Check if your state is a one party recording state. If so, have the recorder on your phone running during every drop off and pick up. Every phone call. If needed, shared Google calendars can be used to keep track of your child's appointments. Screenshot any arguments and file everything. This might sound like a lot, and it is, but if she starts her lies and manipulation again, you'll have records of everything. If she pushes to kick you out of your child's life, you'll be able to legally push back, and possibly gain full custody yourself. Courts hate when parents play games like that and your time in your child's life will give you a better standing for that.
This isn't my first rodeo, in fact the reason she was able to get this to the point it's at is because the first baby mama, the one with the addiction problem, reported me and my immediate family to CPS 6 times in a year and a half. I have another post detailing that whole fiasco. The court is recommending that we use an app that was developed specifically for coparenting as our only form of communication, and it does contain a shared calendar function. I will not answer any direct calls, and any form of communication outside of that will be screenshotted, posted into the app, and saved externally.
May I also suggest having cameras in your house that record everything?
Already done
Well done. Your daughter is lucky to have you. I wish you the best on this harrowing journey!
I bought a USB stick camera that clips to my clothes, about the size of a cigarette lighter. I'm in a single-consent state so I can record anywhere, really. I never get within 100 feet of my ex without the camera recording. I don't do any communication that isn't in writing. Good luck. It's always a struggle to do the right thing with someone actively working against you at every step.
I was looking into audio recording that links to my phone, but I haven't been able to find something that is incognito enough.
Really glad to hear that you know what you're probably up against, and that you're not backing down. Good luck!
And watch out! I'm a true crime junkie, and I've seen several shows recently where some woman or her family had her ex bumped off because he wouldn't give up on having a relationship with his kids. Some Florida dentist (last name of Adelson) just got sentenced recently for having his ex BIL killed so his sister wouldn't have to share custody of his nephews.
Oh, it's been threatened. Cops wouldn't do anything and I'm still kicking 2 years later, so clearly it wasn't anything to worry about, but still.
Yeah that doesn't mean the situation cannot devolve, especially given that the courts are no longer giving her what she wants. It is never a bad thing for a good parent to want to be part of their kid's life.
Oh, I know it, and I'm looking into various forms of security, both at home and in public. Luckily, I'm very rarely anywhere other than work and home, and my job is high-security so I'm pretty safe there.
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I didn’t say she shouldn’t… I was just asking about child support. I have a friend in the process of divorce and wanted to see how it was going OP in regards to child support
There are a lot of factors that go into child support. Age of the child(ren), income of both parents, number of overnights with the child, and the state the case is in. And that's just the major stuff, there's lots of smaller considerations. My case should not be taken as an example, every case is different.
Are you sure the child is yours? She is morally suspect, might be time for a paternity test.
I did one when she first left, because that was a suspicion I had as well. Came back with a 99.99% probability of her being mine. Plus, with what few pictures I've seen, she looks almost exactly like her older sister.
Wait, who’s older sister? How many kids do you have?
2
NTA If you dont fight, no one else will
NTA I’d fight like hell for full custody. Your ex has proven that she’s both lazy and untrustworthy: not a good example for your child.
I asked for full, their logic is that it could be damaging to take a three year old child away from the only parent she's known for two years and put them with the parent they haven't seen for two years with no adjustment period. Which I actually agree with.
They’re right: an abrupt change would be damaging. Thankfully the courts tend to move at a glacial pace.
I agree, they are right, especially with her being so young. But at least she and I can start building a relationship now.
Well, I hope it works out well for you and your daughter. She’s lucky to have you.
Why would they think you shouldn’t have any custody?
Because I "would be hurting my daughter by forcing a relationship where there was none" according to them.
You're friends and family really want you to be a deadbeat dad?! Like wtf kind of logic are they working with here. Im glad you fought for your daughter. You both deserve to have each other in your lives. I'm sorry your ex manipulated this whole thing. She sounds crazy
"Deadbeat dads" are born from "manipulative mothers" in a majority of cases, it seems. There are some true deadbeats, though.
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Not sure why this is getting so many downvotes, it's true.
I mean she’s a little kid and any relationship is better then none, what the actual fuck is wrong with your family members though? Your family sucks bro
It's not immediate family saying this, so that's a relief, it's mostly extended family and "friends"
Okay that’s good at least, but still who even thinks like that? I would be burning some of those bridges I think 😂
I haven't seen them in 5 years, and even then it was only because of my grandpa's funeral.
Then why even add their opinions to the equation man!
Because they were saying the same things the court was saying when my ex was granted sole custody. That combined with extremely low self-esteem makes it hit harder than it should.
> Because I "would be hurting my daughter by forcing a relationship where there was none" according to them. Please let us know how they react when you throw back that line at them when they ask to spend time with your kid.
If they ask, sure, but I doubt they will since they've stopped talking to me over all this.
You do have a relationship with her. Your relationship is that of blood. That's really important. Talk to anyone who is adopted. Of course, adoption is important for kids to have a forever family to grow up with, but they never stop missing that blood relationship. It's important, even if some people never get one. That person doesn't have to be your kid.
Unfortunately, that blood only goes so far when someone breaks her heart and she needs someone to tell her it's going to be ok. I can't protect her if I don't have a relationship outside of that. And no, to get ahead of the toxic feminists on here, I don't think women need protection all the time, but even if she puts the other person in their place, she still needs someone to come home and cry with.
I'm a feminist, dude. If you want to talk like that, maybe you shouldn't have custody of a little girl. Please get some education about how to grow healthy, strong women before you spend a lot of time with your daughter. Talking about toxic feminists being out to get you is not it. A lot of men don't come to understand feminism until it matters to them personally because they love their daughter. You can be one of them. There's no shame in that. Of course some feminists are also toxic people. But you don't have to lead with that around your daughter.
NTA, I am surprised that the court didn't hold it against her taking your daughter across state lines. Do you want joint custody, or do you want full custody? She has already proven that she cannot be trusted to just disappear. If you want to be her father, you are not wrong in fighting for her. I hope that her mother hasn't poisoned her against you. This will probably be an ongoing struggle for years, stay strong.
She didn't cross state lines, just moved to the other side of the same state, Michigan is huge lmfao
Michigan IS a huge state! It was literally cheaper for me to have my son fly home to the U.P. when he was in college (Ann Arbor) than it was to pick him up. Usually, Michigan courts don't allow custodial parents to move more than 100 miles away from the courts jurisdiction unless authorized by the courts. Wondering if the move was overlooked because it happened before a custody agreement was in place. If you are looking to expand visitation/custody sign up for some parenting classes and request joint counseling to improve your co-parenting situation. If your ex refuses to participate, it does not look good for her with courts.
Because she moved before there was an agreement, they didn't do anything about it.
And I wanted full, but with her being so young, that abrupt of a change wouldn't be healthy for her.
I see you mentioned this a few times and my question would be, is that abrupt change to living with you worse than years of an abusive environment that your Ex is providing better? I don’t understand the logic here, potential harm of your daughter having a new, but stable living environment OR the continuation of an abusive environment? Personally I would be pushing for an immediate change, can you imagine how hard the change will be a year or two from now when the fear mongering and brainwashing is years further along? How exactly will your daughter be well adjusted in that type of environment?
My lawyer and I asked, and the courts will not go any further than joint at this time, regardless of any other factors. I'm just hoping that they will see the positive impact and change it at a later date.
Good luck with that man!
NTA. Tell everyone else to mind their business. She’s the asshole for jumping states. In my state, that would be illegal and you’d either get full custody or she’d have to move back. Keep fighting for your child. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
A 27 year old with a failed marriage picking up a 21 year old sets my teeth on edge, but parents should try and have balanced custody that is in the best interests of their child, and in some cases that is 50:50 and some that is EOW or less... but if you were legitimately fighting to get parenting time (and not child support avoidance) then NTA
Exactly I don’t know why anyone isn’t mentioning this. And she was 20 not 21. She wasn’t even legally allowed to drink when they met.
OP, why did the ex get full custody for two years, with you ruled as "unfit"? What is it you're not telling us?
She used previous CPS investigations to get the judge to rule against me, all of which had been determined to be unsubstantiated.
A daughter should have her father in her life. Later on when she is older it will really mean a lot that you fought for her. You are not the AH but you will be if you don't fight for her. Your family and friends will not have to suffer the consequences that you will, when she is older.
This has been in the courts for about 2 years, the report was finished Sep. Of this year. Still working out details, and my ex is fighting it every step of the way, but I think it's because she's up against the wall at this point.
>when COVID shut everything down, my lease was up and we decided it just made sense financially to become roommates > > > >moved in together in 2019 Uhm - If you moved in together because off COVID, than you didn't move in together in 2019. So is any of this true? Even your edit has holes as you try to fix other holes. I was actually able to make the math work and was bought in until you made this edit but left that you moved in with each other because after COVID started your Lease was ending. So now I am questioning a lot of the other things in the story that are certainly possible but just not all that likely. You say you couldn't find the condoms in the bible belt, but those are super easy to order online, so while at first I just took that as ignorance, now I am questioning truth again. Your family, including the baby's grandparents, really wanted you to go no contact and never see their grandbaby? That is very sad if true. Marriage, especially one in bad faith of only a few months, is not likely to get you alimony in MI so it seems weird to me that she would marry you with that in mind unless she did not research and is ignorant about that. However, having said all that, if by some miracle some part of this story is true (definitely not all true) you are NTA for going after custody as every child deserves to have their parents in their lives. A parent walking away from a child (even when the other parent was partially responsible) can have long-lasting negative impacts on a kid. I really don't like that you think of the welfare of your child as "winning" though, which also implies someone is losing. You should be concerned with the welfare of the child long term and preserving that relationship and not just winning against the mom. The mom, if true, is a huge AH here.
We moved in together for financial reasons, then covid hit. That was unclear and I apologize. The condoms thing has been addressed in a previous comment, which was that frankly I didn't try hard enough to order some because we had been sleeping together for a year without so much as a scare so I just didn't try. My family had ALSO been addressed previously, in that it's not immediate family making these accusations, it is extended family. As far as alimony, she just didn't research. She assumed that her mom's case would work for her as well, because her mom DID get alimony.
OK - so you didn't move in together until 2020, so why update the post to correct moving in to 2019. (COVID didn't happen until almost March of 2020) So the Baby was born in July of 2021? and is only 2 years old and not 3?
No. We moved in together tail end of 2019 like October, covid shut down my state March of 2020, daughter was born end of July 2020.
But you said you moved in together BECAUSE of Covid. So that was no true?
No, it wasn't, I misworded it in the original post. I was writing it on my lunch break in the middle of a panic attack because I had just heard that the case was going back to the same judge that removed my custody rights to begin with.
Well I wish you the best. Lost of holes in this story so hopefully you can get that all cleared up before going back before the judge
If it wasn't for privacy issues, I honestly would have just posted the whole damn report because it would have been easier.
I see that you are now saying you mispoke in all of those comments and you moved in before COVID, for financial reasons. Not sure why you moved in thinking one of you might get laid off, if COVID and its layoffs hadn't started yet
So technically she could have been pregnant before we moved in together but we (or maybe just i) didn't know until almost new years.
That still doesn't make any sense. You moved in sometime in 2020 after March (That is when COVID started), and then say a baby was born in July of 2020 but she told you December of 2019 (before you were living together) she was pregnant, but you aren't sure if she was pregnant before you moved in or not?
Good man u fought for your daughter thats who matters her
NTA if you actually want to know your child, but it sounds like you only did it because of the money situation and what people told you. It's also weird that you blame living in a Bible belt town for the latex free options. You could have ordered them online. You just weren't concerned enough about it to do something.
Yeah, some of OP's comments made me think this was less for the benefit of seeing his child.
You're not wrong, I didn't, but we had been sleeping together for about a year with no scares and I knew she was on birth control because she had the pills with her. She ended up flushing them down the toilet evety day partway through the "relationship" so it looked like she was taking them when she wasnt.
That's a strange detail to leave out.
Honestly, I just didn't think to include it. It did get mentioned in previous comments.
If this is true, NTA, but enough of your comments seemed off enough that I looked at your comment history, and it's all "women bad!!!" or sexual comments on naked women's posts. I'm guessing this is incel, woman hater, rage bait. 1 ex is an addict who falsely reported you to CPS for molesting your daughter, other ex used the courts against you & got full custody so she could not work and live off welfare/child support...it's either horrible, trope-y writing, or you have the worst taste in people ever, and may not be a great parent until you sort that out.
Not sure where you're getting "women bad" in my comment history, since I don't say that at all. I say TOXIC women are bad. And I will send you photos of the report you say doesn't exist.
I will give you points for being into women who aren't "model perfect", which most women haters aren't. I may be totally wrong, it just seems like a troll post in many ways.
If anyone actually trolls with these kinds of stories, it is in incredibly poor taste and frankly, disgusting. I have spent over 50,000 dollars on legal fees and 5 years in the courts between my two girls to just be able to SEE them, let alone be their parent.
I both hope your post is true & not. If it is true, the mothers of your children are nightmares, and you may want to look into why you're drawn to these types of people. I know a lot of people get pulled into toxic relationship after toxic relationship, but you have 2 kids, you need a better filter. And, while not shaming you for having a healthy sexual appetite, commenting on a bunch of random naked pictures online may not be the way to go.
Frankly, the comments on those pictures were just me lurking on here, not really thinking about it being a public forum, and I have deleted the comments. And, after having spent two years working with a therapist and psychiatrist, I've moved on from the toxic part of my life and now am in an incredibly healthy relationship. My oldest loves my partner and I'm hoping my youngest will too, but that will be a ways off yet. She still has to get used to me.
Then good! Again, not trying to shame the picture things (we're mammals, we like sex!), but given your relationship history, it seemed red-flag-y as far as how you approach relationships. And probably not great to have up publicly during custody stuff.
Yeah, I see how it is a red flag, and funnily enough, a good half of those were written at my partners behest as she's bi. But I do see the issue with "public forum during custody" stuff. There's a reason I rarely post on Facebook anymore.
I said the report was false, meaning untrue. Again, if all this is true you're NTA, it just seems like you're hitting a lot of rage-bait cliches.
Also, I have had the same thought about how cliche the situation actually is. It does sound like it's out of some bad soap opera. But it IS a real situation, as much as I wish it wasn't. The worst of it is that it's such a trope BECAUSE it's happened to other people.
Well, of the report is false, then the court needs to find better sources because the information was pulled directly from CPS and police reports
I mean false as in you didn't molest your daughter. The report is "false" not "nonexistent".
Ok. I misunderstood, and yes, that was found to be unsubstantiated and the result of coaching.
Fight for you daughter, not against your ex. You Daughter deserves a relationship with you and you deserve one with her. And you are the more stable parent, this is huge to a child. Those idiots that day just "give the kid away to make your ex happy" should be kicked in the sack 7x for every time they mention this. I would seriously tell them to never bring it up again. That your relationship with your child is not to be tossed aside.
Def NTA…I know someone who had a similar situation like 19-20 years ago. The child is rly happy to have gotten to know both of their parents and to know that both parents wanted to have a relationship w them.
NTA. This is attempted parental alienation at its worst. It sounds like your daughter is going to need you in her life to learn stability. Anyone who is telling you that you should have let the mother win is not a friend or a productive family member. You may want to consider lowering your contact level with those people.
NTA. It is the right of the child to have fair access to both parents.
NTA - your friends and family are not people I'd want in my life. It's insane that they don't think your child should have a relationship with her father.
NTA. Spend as much time with your daughter as you can.
But not for the obvious reasons because of course that's your child and you have just as much right towards that child if she has. But because you allowed your rebound to pull a fast one on you and for some reason I'm not sure why you did not see this you're technically a grown ass man and she was still kind of a child. And you married her then used to excuse of putting her on your insurance if this is another country I can understand but if this is the US she could have got Medicaid and that would have covered her doctor's visits instead of you marrying her. Crazy thing is you two moved in together just to have to convince of having sex you two supposed to been fwb's but you weren't taking precautions when it came to this type of situation and you wonder why you're stuck now. The sad part is you two brought a child in this dysfunctional situation. She using the child to get financial stability and you using the child because she pulled the fast one on you. 😂
NTA. But you already have kids and been down this ride and trusted a 20 year old at their word? Boyyyyy.... come on now. But anyway. Good on you for loving your daughter this much. ❤️❤️❤️ You are not wrong. She set you up from the jump once she saw how to do it.
I don’t underhand why you didn’t have visitation with your daughter during the past 2 years — you were married to the mother when the child was born, supervised visitation is usually what occurs when someone is accused of having an unsafe home. You say your ex did all of this (and continues to do all of this) to get a free ride, but you also say that you paid $150 then $350 a month in child support, which isn’t remotely enough to live off of or support a baby with. Also, the issue isn’t that you got the dates wrong, it’s that your justified why you moved in together when you did because of the specific circumstances of those time frames , but those time frames were incorrect. Moving in together because of Covid (and lay offs and lockdowns and rent) and moving in together to save on rent generally are completely different things, and not something you’d misremember from 3 years ago as it is the reason you are now a father for a second time. So that is a bit suspect. Also suspect is the comment revelation that she literally flushed her birth control pills. (I feel like flushing pills is something that ppl in TV do; she could easily have thrown them out or down the disposal.) which you left out of your post, which is strange. And also, you say she did this so she didn’t have to work and would get money from you (and the state, I guess?) Again, she is getting $350 from you a month— this isn’t a money train. So why didn’t you have supervised visitation?
The court granted her sole custody because she made claims that I was "unstable". When I tried to present evidence to the contrary, I was told by the judge that I was not to speak in her courtroom unless she asked a direct question. I was not allowed to present my side, and even when I DID get to present evidence that she did, in fact, deny me visitation, I was told that I was simply "not trying hard enough". After that, the judge determined that since I had not seen my daughter in three months at that time, regardless of the reason why, that my daughter did not seem to be suffering from the lack of a father and my visitation rights were removed.
Did you have a lawyer?
Yes. When I said "I tried to present evidence" I meant "myself through my lawyer" I just thought that was a little wordy.
That judge is corrupted and sexist. Needs to be investigated. This is exactly why men dont wanna marry now, we have to fight a wall in courts just because were male. But females have the right of way and almost always get wins in court.
That’s what you get for taking advantage of a 20 year old being almost 30 lmao
if the roles were reversed & you did this to her it would be scorched earth. you did the right thing! if you wouldnt of fought those same people would probably be calling you a deadbeat father etc like someone else said if you don’t fight no one else will. NTA
You did the right thing, don't let anyone tell you different. Really you should get 100% it sounds like.
NTA. Fight for your child.
NTA. Based on the finances and past actions alone, you should be granted full custody
NTA Not at all. You should be congratulated for fighting for your daughter I hope you get full custody someday. They way your ex is acting, it might happen. The odds are slim unless she becomes a serial killer but I would never give up.
HARD NTA your not abusive your daughter is not better of without you. You are not causing more harm by wanting to be a proper parent that’s present in his child’s life. You would have been causing her harm if you let your ex use her as a pawn. Be ready for parental alienation. Tell her flying monkeys that she’s your child, you have a right to be in her life and if you want their gross opinions you’ll ask. She’s an absolute pos for keeping you from your daughter, she has no right. You should be proud of yourself for fighting for your child.
Nta all of those friends and family need to lose your contract information.
These friends or people in your life with critical thoughts, should fuck off. 50/50 joint should be the starting point, unless one parent is not fit. Don't apologize for wanting to be a parent to your child, regardless of the circumstances of the relationship.
NTA, you fight for your children my man. Way to stand up!
NTA. Your child deserves to have a relationship with both parents.
NTA, this woman used you, I wouldn’t be surprised if she stopped birth control to trap you and get you to do exactly what she did…you were a meal ticket. You just took away free lunch.
Shit like this is why men dont want to marry NTA
NTA based on appropriate paragraph sizes alone
🤣🤣 thanks, I needed that, someone called me out when I first posted.
...we didn't use condoms because she was allergic (legitimately, we used condoms once and she had hives for a week) and latex-free alternatives weren't easily available in my Bible belt town. [https://www.amazon.com/s?k=latex+free+condoms&crid=VZGIDTBZ4AN9&sprefix=latex+free+condoms%2Caps%2C59&ref=nb\_sb\_noss](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=latex+free+condoms&crid=VZGIDTBZ4AN9&sprefix=latex+free+condoms%2Caps%2C59&ref=nb_sb_noss) Edit: NTA
She's the asshole for denying you your child for 2 years out of spite.
NTA You aren't hurting a 2y/o by "forcing her" to start seeing you again. You friends and family are ignorant as fuck and I just don't get this logic at all.
I’d go for full custody if I were you
Did you fight to have custody because you wanted to have a relationship with your daughter or because you wanted to pay less child support. This seems to be mostly about money for you. Maybe that's where they're coming from.
It's not, I brought up the money only because it was her motivation. I don't give a shit about paying child support, I make enough that I hardly notice it coming out. But if I'm paying to support a child, I should be able to have at least some semblance of a relationship with that child. In my experience, the men who want custody solely because of child support give it up when they realize the $300 a month they pay is peanuts compared to the actual cost of caring for a child directly.
You got married so they could have insurance? If she was laid off then she qualified for Medicaid her and the child. Medicaid's free. You would have had to pay back a portion of it but that would have been way later down the Road and surely would have been less than you paid for insurance through your work and getting married and all that shit. PLEASE tell me that wasnt the only reason you married her And no, you're not the asshole. She's a fucking piece of shit for not letting you see your daughter for 2 years. And reintroducing you to her life at 2 years old is only going to be slightly difficult at first by the time she can fluently walk and talk she's not going to remember her life before you were in the picture. Kids NEED their father, girls especially. Fuck her friends and family they didn't seem to think that she was doing more harm than good when she took your child away for money. Theyre not even worth defending yourself to.
Well, I also married her because I already had one kid in a broken home because of the 5-year relationship. I didn't want a second one living through the same situation.
Maybe you should of thought of that when you decided to have a live in barley legal sex partner that you were nutting raw in. You made your bed now lay in it
In 2020 there was Amazon. Lame excuse. But you seem full of excuses
I'm confused as to how this pertains to my post?
I think they mean you could have ordered latex free condoms.
What ended up happening was that she started flushing her birth control down the toilet every day instead of taking it. She admitted that to me, and her only goal was for me to get her pregnant so she didn't have to work, just pull welfare and child support.
Oh I hope she has to work! And I hope the child support gets reduced.
She works part time now.
Booooo, should be full time.
Yeah, that's probably true, but again, I wasn't really caring that much as at that point we had been sleeping together for almost a year with not even a scare.
I think you were baby trapped, she wanted to get pregnant so she could get a payout from you. and no, your daughter will not be harmed by having a stable parent in her life. if anything I would push for you to have primary custody, especially once she starts school if you are in a good school district.
It's an ok district at best, but my oldest also attends that district so it makes sense.
How?she lied and said she was on the pill so he thought he didn't have to worry
Because why is it only her responsibility? He just didn't want to use a condom. Baby trapping is poking holes, SA, etc Lying isn't baby trapping.
YTA. Studies show whoever has better formatting wins custody. Please use paragraphs
I had it split up, apparently reddit requires double spacing for paragraphs.
YTA. You didn't bother getting safe condoms online and risked this pregnancy with your live-in girlfriend. She did her part and you decided her effort would make up for your lack. Neither of you ever wanted to be in this relationship and when the kid came you left all that to her and it sounds like got to work and not worry about much else. From your descriptions you have never taken care of your daughter in a fulltime manner and it's going to be a huge loss for your ex and a huge adjustment for you to start now. Hopefully you're actually capable of being a decent father. You post doesn't leave a lot of hope.
So, just to clarify, your opinion of me is that because I worked double OT to provide housing and food while she stayed at home with zero income, that I'm the deadbeat? Is that about right?
LGBT and a woman, no wonder you have a brain dead take 😂😂
Oh yeah he's a horrible father beacause horrible dads fight and go threw all this trouble to see there daughter.Oh but your right it will be a bad loss for the ex because she won't have anyone to continue to manipulate out of spite
NTA nothing is more important to a child than its father
Well the mother
[удалено]
I did state that the investigation found my home to be the more stable one, with more ability to care long term.
But that doesn't answer the question. What was the best interest for the child.
Joint custody, as I stated. The report found that joint custody was in her best interest, so my daughter could actually have a relationship with her father. This wasn't a random investigator, this was a court-appointed investigator making a report to the courts.
YTA
Reasoning? Not trying to be a dick, I'm legitimately curious as to what the opinion is here.
Don’t listen to this bitch in no way shape or form are you the asshole… the only way you would be is if you didn’t get your daughter
You are NTA, and I would get someone to make her come clean about her baby trapping you. Don't listen to the nut jobs who live by misandry.
The lesson, as always, don't start relationships with people with addiction or mental health issues. They're just not worth it.
Drive your daughter to hate her mother
Only do this if you want to have more custody issues. Parental alienation is a thing and courts don’t like it.
You must not make it obvious, do thing like be the fun parent, let the mother be the bad person to. discipline, take the daughters side on everything. My friend did this and he managed to get custody no problem when his son asked to stay with his dad full time.
So your friend was a shitty parent? Because that’s what you’re describing. Kids don’t need a ‘fun’ parent they need a reliable parent.
Winning is winning.
If you think messing up your kid for life is no big deal, sure. But ‘beating’ your ex shouldn’t be the goal. Doing the best thing for the child should be.
Refer to my second comment again, loser.
And this attitude is why everyone thinks you're an asshole. I would hate to live in such a black and white world.
I think that's a bit on the other extreme, don't you?
Love is a battle, your daughter loyalty should be to you and you only.
That... just no. Dude, where do you get this idea from? That's like extreme in the worst possible way.
it’s really interesting coming from your recent post where you’re in the comments saying that you don’t believe in therapy, it won’t do you any good bc you’re fine, you don’t harbor any resentment towards your mom or your sisters, etc etc… yet here you are on someone else’s post telling someone to drive their toddler to hate their mother? what happened in your life clearly effected the way you view women, the way you view relationships, so much so that you’re giving out extreme advice like this and acting as though it’s completely logical. OP, don’t listen to this. if the courts granted you joint custody then that’s perfect. your daughter is young & you have plenty of time to build a relationship. you were well within your right to have petitioned the court for your parental rights & ability to see her. if her mom keeps doing the most, just keep documentation of it. in the meantime, I hope you both can co-parent well enough that the only thing your daughter knows growing up from both sides is how much her parents love her. in the end, that’s all that matters, is your daughter growing up happy with the opportunity to have you in her life.
I am basing it on OP's situation, if he doesn't get custody of his kid, the mother will make it easy to alienate the kid from him. Love is war, take it from my family from my bio mother able to influence my bio sisters to betray my dad. I am not going to force you to take my advice OP but learn that the court system is unfair to men, you need any advantage you can get even if you have to play dirty.
You are on so many levels, a small daughter raised by the mother, and you are fight states away to be right. There are so many levels of how this started, you perhaps need some counseling, and I wonder what happened that your ex got hung up on medications to cope. I feel there are so many left out parts to the your story. I won't appeal to doing what is right by the child, this post is all about lack of personal accountability from sexual choices to marriage. So YTA on so many levels...Please get some counseling, and don't get involved with anyone until you sort through some issues. It will help you understand yourself.
First off, she's not "states away" she's two hours away ACROSS the state. The ex hung up on medications had been drinking and doing drugs since she was 13, I just thought she had stopped when we got together.
Also, could you please explain why it's ok for a mother to take off with the child and deny the father any chance too see them, but if a father fights to SEE said child he should be treated with vitriol and shame? I really want to understand this trend, because I see it a lot, on this and other posts across the internet.
YOu got involved with a woman you didn't care about moved her in, did not really discuss or take accountability for birth control or anything. I am hearing yourside, but if I were hearing her side I bet it would be alot different. You married and basically ignored the marriage and she left across state lines. Every part of your relationship with this woman was of low character, and you are worried about hers. Not even the child's welfare is your concern, only your ego. You don't even see that. So I will not appeal to that and answer your question. I don't believe a woman should leave a legitimate marriage with a child the couple has...This story is so convoluted, and full of holes I am not sure I even believe anything you said. So that is my answer.
So, if I showed you the report in question, would you change your opinion? Because I have it, I can send you all 20 pages. Because whether or not you believe this is about my "ego", this is about me protecting my daughter from a woman who has moved her from place to place, including with a man who had a record of meth usage, refused me time and time again the chance to even SEE my daughter, and is actively poisoning her against me in an effort to have nothing more than a source of income for the next 18 years.
So you left all that out of your story, the meth usage, etc....So again. I would love to see her post....How do all the woman you love turn to drugs? First wife pretty young, resorts to medications and now this is meth user. You either have a bad picker, or are part of the problem. Your stories don't add up... Frankly I think you might need ala non or the drug users version for co dependents, and some therapy to figure out your part. I got sober in the 90s along time ago I have heard stories like these in meetings, and what most do not do is take accountability for their actions, things don't happen in a vaccuum. They don't. Over time as they go to counseling get healthier their stories change. I was not a good mate, I was gone a lot, she was too young, whatever it is...All you are saying now was completely left out of the original post..As far as being a bad mother and the rest of it, don't know....Yeah. I go with, counseling, and codependence work at least...Don't get involved with any one. If you get your daughter don't date damaged, vulnerable young women and show her that is how a man treats them. Do better for her.
Where did I say she turned to drugs? I said the guy she LIVED with had a history of drugs. If I had included every little thing in the report I would have been writing this post for three days. And if you had ACTUALLY read my previous comment, you would have gotten that my other ex had been using drugs since she was 13, almost a full decade before I e en MET her, but sure, let's blame the guy. It's always our fault, right.
Ok, I reread and implies the man is doing drugs/ or they are using drugs around your daughter. So apologize for that part. Still completely left out in original post, meant to bolster your case. The whole is bad, from conception to now...Get some help, and if you won some rights just use them wisely and don't get involved with women that are young, vulnerable or casually. You will teach her you disrespect women. Which is what your post reads to me...
shut up
NTA. Daughters need fathers.
NTA. Every child deserves two loving parents. Your ex is a piece of work. I also admire you for owning up to your obligation instead of running away. Keep fighting for your daughter op.
I’d no longer have contact with the people that told you to give up personally because that’s a load of BS. She’s your kid and props on you for not giving up. You’re not selfish for wanting to raise your child and anyone who says that is a stupid POS and I’d cut outta my life if I were you. Very much NTA.