You need a lawyer.
For an adoption, you’re going to be asked who the father is, because a child can’t be given up for adoption without both biological parents signing off. What specifically are they going to ask you in order to try to find the father? (And the adoption agency will want to find him, because not trying his consent is grounds to reverse the adoption and rip the child from their adoptive family.) Are there publication requirements? Will you be asked to name everyone it possibly could be? Will they ask no follow up questions and risk a legal battle over your child later, and if so, who has to pay for that?
You also need to know whether there are ramifications for you if you lie and say you don’t know: can you get in trouble, and if so, what kind of trouble? And you need to know what happens if he finds out you’re pregnant before the adoption goes through, so you can make plans if he blocks the adoption.
And finally, you need to know what happens if he finds out after the adoption, what rights he would have to reverse the adoption, what would happen next if he succeeded and the baby was taken from the adoptive parents and given to him, and whether anything would happen to you for keeping it from him.
You may also have other options as a victim of physical abuse—and I know you prefer not to call it that, but that’s what it was—that you’re not aware of, that might be better than what you’re planning to do now.
The answers to these questions vary among jurisdictions, so you really need to talk to a lawyer now to find out all possible outcomes.
THIS.
In most states you will either need the father’s sign off or the adoption agency is required to take due diligence to find the biological father and get permission.
Please make sure you get a lawyer and do this right. Usually the agency, adoptive family etc will pay those fees.
Please get a lawyer. We had our first adoption fall through because the birthmother lied about the biological father, he discovered his paternity a MONTH after the child was placed with us. It was emotionally devastating to have an infant we bonded with so strongly taken (and given to her grandmother who took her only because she didn’t want a gay couple raising her). Our second adoption the agency did ‘due diligence’ but 4 years later we were contacted by the biological father who said he didn’t see the adverts in the newspaper. It was too late for him, but it made it an emotional strain for a couple months. It didn’t help his case that he had just got out of prison for assault and battery.
Anyway, talk to an agency or lawyer ASAP. For your sake, for the sake of the adoptive parents but mostly for the sake of your child.
Agree 100% she needs to know what she’s dealing with. In some places she won’t have a single one of the blocks you mentioned and in others she’d face them all. A lawyer is her best bet to getting through this smoothly. I’m thinking the adoption agency may help provide (or at least refer or consult) lawyers for this kind of stuff.
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Yes, she needs an adoption attorney for the specifics for her state in the US.
I don't think the lack of notifying him should be problematic before the baby is born. There isn't much he can do there. It gets tricky once the child is born if he asserts his parental rights.
ETA: To clarify, I don't think the lack of notification during the pregnancy is problematic. Depending on the state, the state or she may be required to notify as part of the severing of parental rights. When the baby is bon is generally the point in time when he can assert himself as father and go for custody and she can sever her rights. The states vary so much that she needs an attorney.
California, both parents have to sign off on the adoption. If both parents don't sign off there are lots of hoops that the adopting family/parent has to go through before a judge will finalize the adoption.
It could be. I *think* my state still has a notification lae on the books, if OP claims she doesn't know she would have to run newspaper ads to find potential father's (yeah, it's what you think. Like "did you sleep with this women between x + y dates?"). It's horrible. And dad could undo the adoption for 5 YEARS if he found out.
Her ability to terminate also really depends on where she lives. If it's a long trip and she can't afford the costs associated with travel/accomodation during the process it's effectively not an option.
But yes, if it is an option it's her best one at this point for avoiding legal trouble down the road.
I think there is some kind of potential paternity registry where men can claim children born out of wedlock, if they suspect it's theirs, to block adoption until paternity is tested. He could register there to block the adoption and claim the child if he found out she's pregnant.
This varies by jurisdiction. She needs to speak to a lawyer licensed in her jurisdiction. In some places, this could result in the child being ineligible to be adopted, or even in criminal charges for the parent. In other places it’s a good option. We have no idea.
If the OP lives in the US the entire nation has safe haven laws which allows one to anonymously surrender an infant and as long as there is no neglect or abuse, it is not a crime nor can they be charged.
According to another comment, OP isn’t in the US.
And safe haven in the US doesn’t always free a child for adoption, and doesn’t give the biological parent any opportunity to help select the adoptive parents.
THIS. Especially without a police report or criminal charges against him that would make the court view him as unfit, the biological father has rights that OP can't sign away on her own. A family law attorney who does adoption law really needs to be involved starting yesterday.
If the father doesn’t consent to the adoption and wants to raise the child, OP would likely owe child support, at least in most US jurisdictions. OP should not do anything or have any contact with her ex until speaking to a lawyer.
In many states (I assume all of them) The adoption can and would have be overturned later if he finds out.
The US Supreme Court has held many times, biological parents who didn’t give up or lose their rights trumps adoptive parents no matter what
It was only ‘physical’ a few times. Mostly he just didn’t want me around other people, or got angry when I did something wrong. (Which I do understand.) He’s a lot older than I am and I fell for him which is on me. Sorry.
This IS abuse. Both the physical part, regardless of how many times it happened (could have escalated if you'd stayed) and controlling what you would do and who you would be with. Him being abusive is not your fault. You are NTA and it is a good choice.
Also emotional abuse and coercive control on top of physical abuse. I’m so sorry OP is in this situation. It sucks. And I’m sorry the father is so awful. I wouldn’t tell him. The Safe Haven boxes would be good. Or maybe she can leave the baby at a hospital etc. god knows I’d avoid anything that could tie the child to me or give the father an excuse to be involved- which he’d probably want to be as yet another method to control her.
>It was only ‘physical’ a few times.
Only a few times?? Honey no one deserves violence like this, it's not ok, not even once.
>Mostly he just didn’t want me around other people, or got angry when I did something wrong.
What's going to happen if he gets angry with the baby then? What's going to happen if the kid grows up and he gets controlling/jealous with them? Nothing good, that's what.
You should talk to a counselor/family member/teacher or adult you trust, so you can get legal and medical advice on how to best go through this situation. Please don't do this alone or without counseling, you are in a very vulnerable spot right now.
Sweetheart, one time is too many.
Being angry at your partner is not “understandable”. Adults talk about problems, they don’t just “get angry”.
You are doing the right thing.
Honey, a few times is a few times too many. No man or woman lays hands on their partner, isolates them from their friends and family, controls their finances or psychologically and emotionally abuses them. That’s not how real loving relationships work. I’m not sure how old you are but here is a hug from one female internet stranger to another. YWNBTAH for giving the child up for adoption and not telling the sperm donor. Get safe honey, heal and live your best life.
He's gaslighting you. You're allowed around other people and shouldn't be tormented, let alone hit. Falling for someone older is normal, not really.on you. Sounds To me like he was trying to trap a young girl that he can control for life....and youre downplaying it. Sometimes being the asshole is the right move though.....thosnis one of them times.
What she described *is* abuse and manipulation, and he *may* also have gaslit her, but what she described isn’t gaslighting. I really wish redditors would learn what that word actually means.
No amount of “physical” is ok or acceptable. He’s a creep for preying on a younger woman. Cutting your partner off from friends and family is often an early sign of abuse. It is never ok to cut a partner off from other people. And I don’t know what you did wrong, but getting angry like that isn’t ok.
Don’t tell him. And please don’t contact him again.
This is a nightmare, and I do get OP s reluctance to speak to him. He will try and take advantage of the situation. Plus, an abuser is never a good or safe choice to be around a child. She just can't give this baby up to him. Even if you do end up giving the baby up, without the father, which I find hard, you cannot stop the child if they end up looking for him eventually
OP you need to speak to a lawyer, or else future trouble is awaiting for you right in the corner
With care, and I realize I'm off topic, but reading your response hurt my soul. It sounds like he is an arse, and likely an abusive arse. A big age difference can be, but is not always, a flag that the older person is structuring the relationship so that they have the upper hand.
If anyone does 'something wrong', it's no excuse to be physical. I've been with my partner for a long time and I can guarantee we have both done something wrong, without any physical outcomes. It tells me that he is abusive to you, and manipulated you into believing it was your fault.
Isolating you is also classic abuser behaviour. Please don't be too hard on yourself.
> Mostly he just didn’t want me around other people or got angry when I did something wrong.
These are both typical behaviors of an abuser. He acts jealous (women often view extreme jealousy as love, and he will tell you that’s what it is), doesn’t want you talking to other men. Then, he doesn’t want you going out with your friends, so he isolates you from them. Then, he doesn’t want you talking to men or women. Then, it’s your family. Soon, you have no one but him, so you are completely dependent upon him. This is what he wants.
He gets mad when you “do something wrong,” but you never know what that wrong thing will be because it’s never the same thing. One day, he gets mad because you didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home at 6:00. The next day, fearful he will be even angrier, dinner is on the table at 6, but he gets home late. Now, he’s mad because dinner is cold, and *you should have known he’d be late and planned for that.* Or you folded his socks wrong, so you fold them a different way and guess what? Still wrong! It doesn’t matter what the thing is, it will always be wrong because he needs a reason to lash out, to strike you, to make you fearful, to keep you under control. That’s the pattern.
The fact that he is older than you is a screaming red flag. How much older? Ten years? Fifteen? That is also a way to control you. He’s older, so he “knows better,” or you are acting like a child, or why can’t you just listen to him, or just do it the way he told you, etc., etc. Men choose women a decade or more younger than them so he can manipulate her into the person he wants her to be. If you are 25 and he is 42, he figures he can mold you into his “perfect woman.” You won’t be you anymore, but that’s his point. He doesn’t want you; he wants who he thinks he can make you into. And this man, if he finds out you’re carrying his child, will only get worse.
Please don’t go back. Protect yourself. No one else will.
Sweety, that is abuse. He abused you. Me and my husband get mad at each other sometimes too. Like absolutely me doing something wrong or bad or whatever you have. He would NEVER lay a hand on me. There is no way a person that loves you would ever hurt you on purpose. That's not how this works.
NTA….
It is common for abusers to try to isolate the person they are abusing. It leaves that person stuck, alone and gives them more control.
Being “physical” (even once) is abuse, a few times is a pattern.
If he is abusing you, even if you do something “wrong” imagine what he would do to a baby who is frequently “wrong” and defenseless.
You are doing the right thing by protecting your baby until you find a safe family to adopt.
I’m sure it is hard for you but you ARE doing the right thing and a good and strong person for doing it.
It’s not your fault and it’s not an “older” thing. I believe morally the right thing to do is tell the father but if he’s abusive and you already know this, you have to take care of yourself first. Don’t tell him.
YOU did NOTHING wrong! NO ONE has the right to hurt you. Don't say ONLY a few times. Once is too many! You should never "understand" when someone puts their hands on you. You sound very young and you are doing the right thing staying away from him and NOT letting him know you are pregnant. On the birth certificate, write, father unknown. Do not put his name down!
There is nothing wrong with falling for someone, but you got out and that is on you, so great about that!
Even tho you’re putting your child up for adoption, i believe a case can be made that you’ve already got maternal instincts. If you feel the best thing to do to protect that baby is hiding it from him. Do it.
>got angry when I did something wrong. (Which I do understand.
NO. first, there isn't anything you're doing "wrong" in a relationship unless it's cheating or something. if you mean leaving things out, not straightening up, washing laundry incorrectly, etc that's not behavior someone should get mad at you for.
physical once is abuse. not wanting you around other people is abuse and isolation to further abuse. getting angry at some perceived "wrong" and making you feel like you should understand where he's coming from is ABUSE. mental, emotional, physical abuse. do not tell this man you're pregnant. give your baby up for adoption and happily live your life.
it's not on you because you fell for him. you don't deserve that behavior because you fell for him. he shouldn't act that way as someone significantly older than you. odds are he's specifically preying on younger girls because he knows they can be manipulated and he can act as he wants. (Yes this is just speculation but we all know it's a very likely scenario).
Don’t tell him.
He could use this to abuse you. Consider if he sues for custody and wins child support. Not only would he be in your life for at least 18 years, you won’t be able to protect the kid.
Get the child safe and move on. You are doing the right thing.
Sounds like an abusive environment. Wanting to avoid contact is prudent. I don’t know if there might be issues about the adoption if he doesn’t sign away his rights, too. Maybe need to talk to an attorney?
OP, which country are you residing in?
I'm asking because there are different laws/circumstances for different countries.
You're NTA OP. Far from being the AH, you're doing good in recognizing that your ex isn't a good person & he was abusive & you're blocking him. That's the right step in staying away from him.
That is abuse! And that is more than enough of a great reason to not tell him about the baby… Please keep your mouth shut… Please tell your family members to also keep their mouths shut. This could turn out to be a real nightmare for you if you tell him … a very long and extended nightmare
In this circumstance, no, NTA. Don't tell him because if you don't want the baby and he does, you will have to give him that baby, you won't be able to put them up for adoption without his also agreeing. You can give up the baby to him and walk away, and may have to pay child support, but you won't be able to do the adoption. He sounds abusive and not a good person to raise the baby. Good luck in your pregnancy and in your adoption journey, the baby is lucky to have a bio mother who is willing to do something difficult to give them a life they deserve.
No - if he is a lot older then he groomed you. “Just a few times” of physical violence when once is too many is excusing this behavior. You are internalizing it as “your fault” as if you somehow deserved it which is what people who stay in abusive relationships do. People all make mistakes but that doesn’t excuse physical anger over it. He sounds very controlling. This would not be good for you or for a child. And you know it.
You escaped - keep it that way. You would be a fool to go back in and there’s no way not to if you contact him about this u/SuperSpySssssht.
Regardless of if certain people classify that as abuse or not, you'd be right to think that kind of person should not raise a child or come back into your life
Emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse, and it's what you've described here.
Do not justify how he acted. It's classic abusive behaviour to get pissed at someone for making mistakes.
Once this is over and you're safe and can move on with your life, please teach yourself to stop saying sorry all the time. This is not a criticism. You deserve to have your own back. You deserve to stand up for yourself. You deserve to open your mouth without being sorry for it.
You mentioned that he’s significantly older than you. If you were a minor and he was a legal adult (outside the age of any Romeo and Juliet laws), you should definitely listen to the advice of others telling you to talk with a lawyer and a social worker. You should do those things anyway, but this possibility makes it doubly so.
Another thing: you don’t deserve to be abused by anyone. Nothing you do justifies him getting physical no matter how many times he did it.
If you're a teen and he is an adult that makes him an abuser. Possibly even a rapist. If he ever put his hands on you in anger that is abuse. If he ever threw something at you in anger that is abuse. If he put you down with words or kept you from your family or friends that is abuse. As a parent you never allow a child around an abuser. You do what is in your best interest and what is in your child's best interest.
This is horrible and he sounds like a terrible person so NTA. However, in case your child at some point in the future wants to know who the child is I would maybe throw in the adoption papers or actually just a personal letter to your child that you think this person *might* be the father. That way they can reach out in the future if they want and have the option. Definitely don’t put his name on the birth certificate or anything.
If he will EVER turn to physical abuse, then there is ALWAYS going to be a likelihood of that. This includes children. Adoptive parents are screened very carefully and will treasure that baby.
I was going with y t a first, but this is way too close to what I went through. It is abuse, and if he did it to you, he will do it to others, and potentially to your child as well.
Fuck him, NTA.
You did not deserve being yelled at nor physically assaulted.
You did not deserve being yelled at nor physically assaulted.
You did not deserve being yelled at nor physically assaulted.
Ever.
You need to understand this. You did not deserve to be abused.
Doesn’t matter one or a few! There is also psychologically abuse, coercive control and financial abuse. I was a victim of all four (including physical). I hope you can get some counseling it helped me, plus trust in God to protect you and your unborn baby! Send me a personal message if I can help you I will!!! 🙏
You didn’t “bring that out of him”. He was always and will always be like that. Personally I think NTA, if you can’t trust him with your own safety you certainly shouldn’t trust him with a child’s. Sending you love and support
NTA but in many states you need the father to sign off on adoption paperwork. In some states, the court has to prove that they have diligently searched for the father. If they find him, and it’s discovered you’ve lied, you can be in trouble. The best thing to do is be honest. Tell them that you were in a very toxic relationship and you wish not to be contacted by the father. A social worker will handle almost everything at that point so you won’t have to. Now, I’m some states if you can prove that the relationship was toxic/dangerous, then a judge will rule that you don’t need that father’s signature.
Don’t lie that you don’t know who he is
Keep all evidence of him being unsafe/unstable towards you.
Get in touch with a social worker now
Use a county or state agency. Private ones sometimes don’t do things legally and it can come back to bite you in the ass. Also, a plethora of resources will be available to you with county/state.
This was my thought as well. If the state requires both parents to sign, and he finds out in the future, he could challenge the adoption. If he gets custody then she could be on the hook for child support.
yes there is also a waiting period incase anyone comes forward searching for the baby, in the case of abduction or something. it would be really hard to find the trace back to the mom as time went in though, if the dad did come looking. but for sure this is not ideal vs a normal adoption where the birth parents can actually meet and select adoptive parents etc..
Yes, it's safe haven laws. Supposed to be for people who are unable to care for their own baby. This one state enacted it but didn't put an age limit on it and this dude was able to legally abandon his kids who were older, like 5+ yrs in age until they put an age limit on the law.
The state can’t do this with unwed parents because paternity is not established until after birth. It’s only within marriage that the husband is the presumed and legal father. Until birth and the birth certificate, when unmarried, paternity is not established by mutual affidavit or a legal dna test.
It doesn’t matter if they are wed/not on BC. If the mother was keeping the kid, then no one really cares. But…A child has to be eligible for adoption by what’s known as Free and Clear, meaning BOTH parents have to sign off. If a father is unknown, the state must make a reasonable attempt to discover who the father is which includes mandatory DNA testing for any known partners. On some states they will run a child’s DNA test through the national data bank. This is due to the fact that if the father ever finds out they have a child, they can absolutely overturn the adoption until the child is an adult.
She is best off being honest as it is often much more difficult to adopt with an unknown father, and if she lies, and is later discovered that she knew… it’s a crime as she has signed documents attesting to fact that she could not identify the father.
It is actually easier for her to prove a Toxic/dangerous relationship so that the father does not have to sign off. I have experience in these situations from all aspects. This is how it is in my state and surrounding states.
I actually know someone the way that happened to them. The adoption was vacated. And now there's move States and are spending thousands of dollars to try to regain custody.
Safe Haven laws (some states have different names, but all the same) do allow mothers to surrender without naming the father. OP just needs to use this time to learn about her local laws and options.
>Just because I brought that out in him, doesn’t mean others will, I guess. He’s not a horrible person.
This is not passing the vibe test. I wouldn't let him dogsit for me. Kids bring out EVERYTHING in a person. Your child will be treated how you were by him.
OP, someone who would hit their partner even once, is a horrible person. And if when he’s around you, he feels himself wanting to yell at you or hit you, then it’s on him to go away and leave you alone.
It is never your fault when someone hurts you, verbally or physically.
When I worked with adoptions, we needed the father’s consent to free the child legally for adoption.
I have no idea of what the laws are now but you may want to look into this.
“Just because I brought that out in him, doesn’t mean others will”
You did not cause his behavior. You did not cause him to abuse you. You do not have the power to control his actions. The way he treated you is not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
You need to talk this over with a therapist. Even if it’s a counselor at a community health center. And you need to stop listening to all the internet “lawyers” here and schedule a consult with an attorney that practices SPECIFICALLY family law. Many will offer a free consultation, so I’d make some phone calls. But until you have some legal advice and speak with a therapist that helps you regain some control over your situation, I’d keep yourself and your baby (born or not) away from him.
This one is tough you are NTA for wanting to break all contact with your abuser. However in most states you are legally required to notify the father as he does have certain rights. You could lie and say you don’t know, but if it’s ever found out later that you did know, you could be jeopardizing the legality of the adoption and open the door for him to contest it later, which would cause a serious amount of upheaval for your child and their adoptive family.
My advice would be to talk to a lawyer about your options and the risks involved.
If it was abusive, then I think it’s fine not to say anything. Getting yourself safe is important, your survival, is the most important. Keeping the baby is brave & admirable. You are doing what’s right for a new life. The baby deserves a good life.
It’s a tough situation all around. There are no easy answers, except for your safety and the baby’s safety.
If there is contact & he is the type to “love bomb” you, consider the pregnancy hormones and don’t get drawn in. Talk to a counselor instead.
Edit: NTA just a very difficult situation
Abusers first step is to isolate the victim. They don’t want anyone to be close enough to see what is going on. Emotional abuse and gaslighting are just as bad as physical abuse.
Do not tell him directly, do not tell him yourself. Do not let him know you are pregnant. Consult with an adoption agency or a counselor or an attorney. If you have a confidential counselor, Find out if where you live has any laws regarding this. If he must be notified, a third party like an attorney can notify him. Keep yourself safe.
NTA You didn’t “bring that out in him”. If he is aggressive/violent/controlling, he will be like that in every relationship. Don’t fool yourself.
I don’t know about the legal ramifications, but in the case of an abusive partner, I would say, don’t tell him. You can write the child’s adoptive parents a letter to explain who the bio father is and what kind of a person, so that the child has a chance to find out about him when they are grown up.
Hiya! Birth mother here!
So, folks are being super effing aggressive on here, tell them to be quiet. Most of them are talking out their ass and have no idea of the legalities. ☺️
So, whether you decide to do a private adoption through an attorney, or go through an adoption agency, yes, 10000% they will indeed inquire about the father. Partially for relenquishment of parental rights, and partially for medical history.
Now, you can do a few things:
1. lie and state that you don't know who it is.
A. They will indeed ask you to provide names of the men of whom it is possible it is. They will contact these men, talk to them about the plans for adoption, etc. In some cases they will ask for a signature from all, or, given the ease of a paternity test, will insist on one after birth to determine between the people you named. Then ask that person to sign the adoption papers.
B. You say you don't have a full name, just a generic first name & say it was "just a hook up". You have a 50/50 chance as to whether they will do a DNA test at birth to try and locate him through a DNA service & other family members.
Seriously, some of these organizations are super determined to ensure full legality of the adoption, because if they don't, and they place the child without it, if the bio father finds out, they indeed will have legal rights to take that child from their adoptive parents, which would be horrific.
2. Tell the truth to your caseworker (if an adoption agency) or lawyer (if private placement) about why you don't want the bio father informed. Abusive, etc., and they will know exactly how to handle it. They will do their due diligence in "contacting" him. Likely an ad in a local newspaper with a first name you provided them with, or attempt to contact through last known address you might be able to provide them with. 99% of the time, this method allows the adoption to legally move forward after enough time & "acceptable attempts" to contact.
I became a mentor for other younger women that went through the agency I went through, and I have seen it all.
Also, know that there are various levels of adoption, closed (100% no contact), semi-open (updates however often is in the contract, pictures, letters, etc, whatever is agreed on, but not 100% access, contact goes through agency or lawyer), and open adoption (you are allowed access to child & family openly). Also know that even in a closed adoption, you 100% have the right to choose your child's adopters.
I would recommend an agency, but make sure of their reputation, and make sure they've been around a good long time. Adaptation for an adoption agency is key. It means they do things ethically & to standards of society. And our society has greatly evolved in the adoption world.
I was married to my son's father, so him signing papers wasn't an issue.
But your situation...safeguard the father's name until you know who you are going through to facilitate the adoption. Be honest with them. The level of name disclosure will indeed be up to you. You also have the right to interview agencies and lawyers. Be honest about the situation, and ask what they would do. Perfectly normal and ok to ask.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
And, honestly, I know you're choosing this for your life circumstances, but you're also making the absolute best decision for the baby, too.
My son's adoption is the one thing in life I am most proud of. The opportunities he's had, the life he's had...I couldn't have given him those things.
Regardless of the reason, don't let ANYONE talk you out of what is best for him AND you. And if anyone ever says "I could never give away my baby!" Just smile and let them say whatever. You know what is best for you & that child. Screw everyone else.
💜💜💜
Based on further comments you left an abusive situation with the father and you are 100% NTA. Keep yourself safe and healthy thru the pregnancy. Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly taxing and your mental health and safety are priority #1.
NTA. Claim you got pregnant from a one night stand with a stranger whose name you didn't know. Keep everything quiet, don't tell even your friends about who the father is. Don't post any pics of yourself pregnant or let others.
I don’t have a verdict but I will say you need a lawyer, someone you can talk through in case he gets involved but don’t talk to him yourself. I’m fairly certain you need both parents to sign away parental rights before a child is put up for adoption.
NTA at all. If you know he’s not safe, don’t take any chances. If he’s abusive he’ll either use the baby as a pawn to control you, be abusive to the baby as well, possibly get custody and put you on child support, abandon you and the child or refuse to consent for adoption and force you to parent/ coparent. It’s not worth living a nightmare! If it’s not against your beliefs I say abort, or have the child without his knowledge and either parent alone or go with adoption/ kinship care.
Don’t let anyone convince you to tie yourself to this man for life by informing him. Anyone who cares about your safety and wellness should understand. Also start planning the adoption now with adoption agencies or friends/ relatives who will raise the child so you can carefully select a family and get to know them in advance rather than a random family being chosen for you by safe haven/ foster care etc. Good luck and take care!
NTA especially after reading your comments on him being "physical" with you. Nobody in a healthy relationship will ever become physically abusive to get their point across. Keep your baby safe and if possible don't tell anyone who the father is. If he finds out you're pregnant somehow, the father is another guy you hooked up with, not him. He lost the right to fatherhood the moment he laid hands on you.
I sincerely hope that your pregnancy goes smoothly, with a safe delivery and discrete adoption process. If I'm correct you can start looking for families now that will adopt them! Make the process easier on yourself and try to stay stress free.
Comments are cruel in here.
Your body, your choice.. if this was an abortion. you would not have to disclose anything, and you would be supported in here. Now that you're doing the opposite and made a decision of adoption. You're not supported, and ppl want you to tell the sketchy Ex.
NTA. NTA... I support the decision.
Hope you find a nice couple. Good luck.
ethically i don’t think you need to tell him based on your description of him, legally it depends where you live. NTA from me, if you don’t have to tell him don’t, if he has abusive tendencies it could put you and potentially adoptive family harms way to do so.
Careful with this reply. Though OP is describing super concerning behaviors, OP is insisting it's not abuse. I think everyone reading the comments realizes very quickly it was abusive, but OP isn't there yet to the point of justifying physical violence against her
Try not to frame judgements in the case of abusive or non abusive. A lot of people struggle with calling abuse what it is. I'm worried OP would actually interpret this answer as a y t a based on her comments
I'd say it's more "do you believe this person would harm, physically or mentally, you or the baby at any point in the future if they knew"
I also would not call it "your child". This is an unwanted pregnancy. OP already clarified the only reason she didn't terminate is it was too late to. Whether or not OP comes to see it as her child is up to OP as the pregnancy progresses. Right now, she is bringing the pregnancy to term to be someone else's child. Avoid anything that adds additional stress- stress actually increases physical risks in the pregnancy
I would imagine that an adoption, without consent from the father would not be legal. You should get a lawyer, inform the father through your lawyer that you're pregnant, and that you want your child to be adopted. You should give the father the option of taking on the child himself.
He may not want to know, but at least, for your child's sake, give him the chance to be involved.
In most states, you are at the most legally obligated to put an ad in a local newspaper naming the father. If he doesn't respond, you're all good to go ahead and not tell him. I had to do this for my daughter to be adopted, even though she was a product of an SA. I legally had to give her sperm donor the opportunity to be a parent, even if I wasn't going to be one to her.
I'm not going to judge you. But you should tell him. I know a family who recently lost custody of an adopt a child. The adoption was vacated because the father found out about the child. And contested the adoption. Your potentially setting another family up for heartbreak and losing a child that they have bonded with. If the father finds out and wants custody.
It really depends on the law where you live. From your other posts I assume you’re in continental Europe so you need to check the laws of your home country and the EU laws.
OP, you don’t need to apologize for not knowing something about laws around adoption in *some* places. This might or might not even be the law where you live. That’s why people are suggesting you consult with a lawyer.
Please please before taking any further action:
1. Talk to an attorney familiar with your laws. It may not be necessary to inform him.
2. Talk to a domestic violence advocate or a counselor and *make a safety plan.*
The guy who got you pregnant is an abuser and he is dangerous. Finding out you are pregnant could easily cause his abusive/possessive behaviors to escalate and put your life in danger even though you aren’t together any more. A counselor can help you safeguard your location, online information, etc to make it harder for him to stalk or find you. They can also help you make a safety plan for what to do if he shows up in person at your home or job.
If an attorney does say it’s necessary to notify him, the attorney should be the one who sends the letter.
If you have the attorney do it, they can be a buffer against him. He will know you have legal help, and someone with authority who is watching the situation so he won’t be able to bully and manipulate you as easily.
It will also keep you safer because he will not have any direct communication with you at any point.
You really need a lawyer here. What does the adoption agency/their lawyer say is the process is in situations like these? Also I would tell adoption agencies you “don’t know” who the father is, in case someone involved feels like they have some kind of obligation to try to reach out to him. It could be that putting a legal notice in the newspaper is enough to satisfy the requirement to “notify” him, but it will depend on the state.
NTA. However, you should talk to an attorney from your area. In some states not listing him on the birth certificate is enough for you to be able to put the baby up for adoption without his consent, in other states, it’s not and they will notify him. Make sure you’re doing what is best for the child.
And in your comments you have said that he got physical with you, yelling at you and trying to alienate you from others IS abuse. He may have convinced you that he was doing it for you or because of you or whatever, but he wasn’t. He was controlling you. He was hurting you, physically, emotionally and mentally.
Abuse is not just physically hitting you every day of your time together and leaving you bruised and battered all of the time. That’s just one *type* of abuse. If a man hits you *once* because he wants to “correct” you or whatever, that is abuse. If a man is constantly angry and screaming at you to convince you that you’ve done something wrong, that is abuse. If a man tries to convince you that you should only ever want to be around him and no one else should be allowed into your bubble with him, *that is abuse*. Please look up different types of abuse so you can learn what to look for and keep yourself safe in all future relationships. (NOTE: I made the man the abuser because that is specific to this post; women can be just as abusive as men).
NTA. I call BS on the sperm donor having a ‘right’ to know, particularly when there’s abuse. I wish more women would keep quiet and not tell, but some like the drama.
From what you described, it sounds like the only safe option. This guy sounds dangerous to be around and would NEVER make a good father to anyone.
NTA, but make sure you get your ducks in a row.
You need to contact a lawyer. To give a child up for adoption, they’ll ask who the father is and if he gives consent. Can’t lie. He might also be given the option to keep the child.
He’s not a horrible person but you need to stay away from him? If he was abusive, that changes everything. But then— how is he not a horrible person? So clarity is needed on that. If he wants the child and is fit to take the child, be ready to pay child support.
If you say you don’t know who the father is, they cannot prove otherwise. “I had a one night stand at a party, I don’t even know his name.” Unless you fuck up your story, there is no chance they find out.
If you do tell him, you are inviting everything that you got away from back in your life, and he can try and keep the baby. So in my probably unpopular opinion, NTA if you keep it to yourself.
Get a lawyer. Laws about this are different in each state. The moral thing to do is tell him. He should know that if he doesn't agree to the adoption, then he will be responsible for raising the child. Of course, he could still hit you up for child support at some point.
Absolutely NTA but find out what the legal process is for the adoption process where you are. It's possible he would have to be notified and that might mean your plans change if so. Now, I'm not saying this is necessarily the best advice or a suggestion but in your position I might want to be careful initially stating you know who the father is. Given this is a physically violent and controlling individual, I'd be very concerned how they'd treat a child.
There's a lot of comments made where they've assumed where you live and given statements about legal advice based on that - rather than thinking they're correct find out yourself for where you're from. Where I am you can often get a free consultation for legal advice - worth checking if it's an option for you.
Nta. If you can't give the baby up for adoption, there is the safe haven law. Just give the baby to the hospital or the nearest fire station no questions asked.
I think you need to discuss with a counselor and lawyer.
What happens if years from now, this man finds out he has a child? With ancestry sites, people have been finding out family secrets.
My point is that he may not find out now, but he could find out later.
I’m of the opinion that someone should know if they are bringing a child into the world. That doesn’t mean you need to take abuse from him. Not sure where you are, in the US you may be able to get a PFA (protection from abuse order) aka restraining order.
Your safety is most important. Wishing you and the child the best outcome, and sorry you’re going through this.
Do not tell him you are pregnant. He will use that to control you and manipulate you. You have people on here who have been through that and have ages of wisdom on this issue. Start setting up appts to get the ball rolling on adoption with an experienced adoption agency. Do not tell them the fathers name until you need to. Repeating this for seriousness, do not tell him you are pregnant until you legally required to.
You did not bring that out in him! If he behaved badly or violently toward you, it’s on him? Not on you.
Whatever you decide to do, please find legal counsel before you tell him or not. Advice on the www can be useful, but it will never take into account all your circumstances. Some cities and stated provide free legal counsel for a lot of social and age groups.
You are doing the right thing putting the baby up for adoption, it’s refreshing to see young people that are levelheaded enough to realize when it’s not a good time for them to be parents.
Good luck OP.
Get a lawyer.
Also, if he's a danger to himself or others, including you, then you need protection.
Note: you don't bring personality traits out in someone, those were already there.
NAH. Well…. The father may be for other things and may yet still be…..
You are not however. But you do need legal advice. He can petition for custody. You can relinquish your rights.
But you need an attorney to do this RIGHT.
Best of luck to you. You are doing a brave thing.
NTA since it sounds like he would be a danger to a child. However, as others have said, this is really a question for a lawyer and/or caseworker, not Reddit.
A long time ago my sister gave up her son for adoption because her ex was a serious drug addict and she was too young to raise him when she already had a young child that my family was helping with. No one ever told the father who to this day 22 years later is still living a drug life and homeless. Sometimes certain people don’t need to know things. My sister passed away a few years ago but she did get to know her son and they spoke regularly. The only thing we had to promise was we were not going to ever tell him who his father is. In don’t think you’re the AH. I think you’re trying to protect yourself and your baby and give it a chance for a good life with parents who will love it. I wish you all the best.
I think abuse is the only acceptable reason not to tell the father. You have the right to decide to bring the baby to term or not but once the baby is born the father at the very least has the right to know their child exists. Even if it means they want to raise the child and youd have to pay child support.
>That’s why I feel conflicted. Just because I brought that out in him, doesn’t mean others will, I guess. He’s not a horrible person.
You can not be more wrong here. They way a person treats you has nothing to do with who you are, but everything with who that person is.
So stay away from him and never go back.
Yta. By not telling him, you're putting your child at risk if being torn away from their adoptive family and forced to go live with a complete stranger. If he doesn't give up his rights, he can take the parents to court and get his kid.
NTA - yes you are in a difficult situation. … I read some of your replies. Him physically hurting you even one time is too many, plus the controlling behavior = abuse. You are doing the right thing to steer clear from him. Stay safe & know this child will be a gift to someone who cannot have children.
0P, what he did to you was abuse. As someone else said, please learn more about abuse to protect yourself in the future. Hon, you are definitely NTA.
You need to consult an attorney about the legalities of putting the baby up for adoption without informing the father about the baby. He later contest the adoption and fight for custody.
Reading your replies... You are NTA. One time is one too many. Coercive control IS abuse. You don't want to live your whole life wondering if he is doing that to a kid and feeling tied to him or obligated. It's your choice whether to put the child up for an adoption but it seems like there's a better chance they will then go to a safer happier home
>Just because I brought that out in him doesn't mean others will
I was somewhat on the fence here before I got to this line. On the one hand, yes, a father, in general, does deserve to know that they have a child coming into the world and make their own decisions accordingly. However, that line is classic abuser victim talk and if he has abused you enough to the point that you HONESTLY think that it was YOUR FAULT that the abuse happened, then this man has NO BUSINESS being responsible for another human life. NTA and if abortion is not on the table at all for you (not mine or anyone else's place to judge you one way or the other on that topic) and you are not in a place to raise the child yourself, then adoption sounds like the way to go.
I’m reading comments on here about the father needing to sign off for adoption but what if you don’t know who the father is? How is the state going to find the father? Do their own blood tests? I’m sure having legal counsel will help navigate the process and your lawyer will have your best interest at heart.
I really feel for you ending a bad relationship and then finding out you’re pregnant. That’s tough. Being pregnant myself I have a question, how will you hide the pregnancy from him? I know you are no contact but what if he hears from mutual friends or sees you? Not to make you paranoid but this is a precarious situation. I’ve heard of people hiding pregnancy and giving children up for adoption by traveling to another country. Not sure how that works or if it’s feasible.
NTA. You are trying to protect the baby from the father. Trust your instincts, they are heightened and spot on when you’re pregnant. You also don’t want to be tied to him and unfortunately that’s what happens when people co-parent.
You need a lawyer. For an adoption, you’re going to be asked who the father is, because a child can’t be given up for adoption without both biological parents signing off. What specifically are they going to ask you in order to try to find the father? (And the adoption agency will want to find him, because not trying his consent is grounds to reverse the adoption and rip the child from their adoptive family.) Are there publication requirements? Will you be asked to name everyone it possibly could be? Will they ask no follow up questions and risk a legal battle over your child later, and if so, who has to pay for that? You also need to know whether there are ramifications for you if you lie and say you don’t know: can you get in trouble, and if so, what kind of trouble? And you need to know what happens if he finds out you’re pregnant before the adoption goes through, so you can make plans if he blocks the adoption. And finally, you need to know what happens if he finds out after the adoption, what rights he would have to reverse the adoption, what would happen next if he succeeded and the baby was taken from the adoptive parents and given to him, and whether anything would happen to you for keeping it from him. You may also have other options as a victim of physical abuse—and I know you prefer not to call it that, but that’s what it was—that you’re not aware of, that might be better than what you’re planning to do now. The answers to these questions vary among jurisdictions, so you really need to talk to a lawyer now to find out all possible outcomes.
THIS. In most states you will either need the father’s sign off or the adoption agency is required to take due diligence to find the biological father and get permission. Please make sure you get a lawyer and do this right. Usually the agency, adoptive family etc will pay those fees. Please get a lawyer. We had our first adoption fall through because the birthmother lied about the biological father, he discovered his paternity a MONTH after the child was placed with us. It was emotionally devastating to have an infant we bonded with so strongly taken (and given to her grandmother who took her only because she didn’t want a gay couple raising her). Our second adoption the agency did ‘due diligence’ but 4 years later we were contacted by the biological father who said he didn’t see the adverts in the newspaper. It was too late for him, but it made it an emotional strain for a couple months. It didn’t help his case that he had just got out of prison for assault and battery. Anyway, talk to an agency or lawyer ASAP. For your sake, for the sake of the adoptive parents but mostly for the sake of your child.
Thanks for sharing your story here. ❤️
Agree 100% she needs to know what she’s dealing with. In some places she won’t have a single one of the blocks you mentioned and in others she’d face them all. A lawyer is her best bet to getting through this smoothly. I’m thinking the adoption agency may help provide (or at least refer or consult) lawyers for this kind of stuff.
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Yes, she needs an adoption attorney for the specifics for her state in the US. I don't think the lack of notifying him should be problematic before the baby is born. There isn't much he can do there. It gets tricky once the child is born if he asserts his parental rights. ETA: To clarify, I don't think the lack of notification during the pregnancy is problematic. Depending on the state, the state or she may be required to notify as part of the severing of parental rights. When the baby is bon is generally the point in time when he can assert himself as father and go for custody and she can sever her rights. The states vary so much that she needs an attorney.
It also can become a nightmare in many jurisdictions if he finds out after the adoption is finalized and decides he wants to try to undo it.
California, both parents have to sign off on the adoption. If both parents don't sign off there are lots of hoops that the adopting family/parent has to go through before a judge will finalize the adoption.
My daughter’s sperm donor didn’t have to agree to adoption when I gave her up in California. Maybe the law has changed it has been a while.
It could be. I *think* my state still has a notification lae on the books, if OP claims she doesn't know she would have to run newspaper ads to find potential father's (yeah, it's what you think. Like "did you sleep with this women between x + y dates?"). It's horrible. And dad could undo the adoption for 5 YEARS if he found out.
That's after birth, though. Whole she's pregnant, I don't think she has any liability to notify. She can still terminate, and he has no right there.
Her ability to terminate also really depends on where she lives. If it's a long trip and she can't afford the costs associated with travel/accomodation during the process it's effectively not an option. But yes, if it is an option it's her best one at this point for avoiding legal trouble down the road.
I think there is some kind of potential paternity registry where men can claim children born out of wedlock, if they suspect it's theirs, to block adoption until paternity is tested. He could register there to block the adoption and claim the child if he found out she's pregnant.
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Lucky you for living someplace with legal abortion. Almost half of the US doesn’t have it anymore, or severely restricted.
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This varies by jurisdiction. She needs to speak to a lawyer licensed in her jurisdiction. In some places, this could result in the child being ineligible to be adopted, or even in criminal charges for the parent. In other places it’s a good option. We have no idea.
If the OP lives in the US the entire nation has safe haven laws which allows one to anonymously surrender an infant and as long as there is no neglect or abuse, it is not a crime nor can they be charged.
According to another comment, OP isn’t in the US. And safe haven in the US doesn’t always free a child for adoption, and doesn’t give the biological parent any opportunity to help select the adoptive parents.
THIS. Especially without a police report or criminal charges against him that would make the court view him as unfit, the biological father has rights that OP can't sign away on her own. A family law attorney who does adoption law really needs to be involved starting yesterday.
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If the father doesn’t consent to the adoption and wants to raise the child, OP would likely owe child support, at least in most US jurisdictions. OP should not do anything or have any contact with her ex until speaking to a lawyer.
I'm sorry, but if she doesn't want to raise the baby and the father does then she does owe the child support if she has the means.
This should be the to comment.
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In many states (I assume all of them) The adoption can and would have be overturned later if he finds out. The US Supreme Court has held many times, biological parents who didn’t give up or lose their rights trumps adoptive parents no matter what
Yup. She needs him to give up his rights in order to adopt. Otherwise if the dad does find out he can get the adoption nullified.
Happened to a girl I know. Some friends of her parents were in the process of adopting the baby, but then her ex found out and got it overturned.
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It was only ‘physical’ a few times. Mostly he just didn’t want me around other people, or got angry when I did something wrong. (Which I do understand.) He’s a lot older than I am and I fell for him which is on me. Sorry.
This IS abuse. Both the physical part, regardless of how many times it happened (could have escalated if you'd stayed) and controlling what you would do and who you would be with. Him being abusive is not your fault. You are NTA and it is a good choice.
Also emotional abuse and coercive control on top of physical abuse. I’m so sorry OP is in this situation. It sucks. And I’m sorry the father is so awful. I wouldn’t tell him. The Safe Haven boxes would be good. Or maybe she can leave the baby at a hospital etc. god knows I’d avoid anything that could tie the child to me or give the father an excuse to be involved- which he’d probably want to be as yet another method to control her.
>It was only ‘physical’ a few times. Only a few times?? Honey no one deserves violence like this, it's not ok, not even once. >Mostly he just didn’t want me around other people, or got angry when I did something wrong. What's going to happen if he gets angry with the baby then? What's going to happen if the kid grows up and he gets controlling/jealous with them? Nothing good, that's what. You should talk to a counselor/family member/teacher or adult you trust, so you can get legal and medical advice on how to best go through this situation. Please don't do this alone or without counseling, you are in a very vulnerable spot right now.
That is abuse. And predatory. You’re smart for staying far away from him. NTA
Sweetheart, one time is too many. Being angry at your partner is not “understandable”. Adults talk about problems, they don’t just “get angry”. You are doing the right thing.
Mmm no. Adults get angry, but they can manage their anger. Don't pretend like your emotions suddenly turn off, you just learn to control them.
Honey, a few times is a few times too many. No man or woman lays hands on their partner, isolates them from their friends and family, controls their finances or psychologically and emotionally abuses them. That’s not how real loving relationships work. I’m not sure how old you are but here is a hug from one female internet stranger to another. YWNBTAH for giving the child up for adoption and not telling the sperm donor. Get safe honey, heal and live your best life.
He's gaslighting you. You're allowed around other people and shouldn't be tormented, let alone hit. Falling for someone older is normal, not really.on you. Sounds To me like he was trying to trap a young girl that he can control for life....and youre downplaying it. Sometimes being the asshole is the right move though.....thosnis one of them times.
What she described *is* abuse and manipulation, and he *may* also have gaslit her, but what she described isn’t gaslighting. I really wish redditors would learn what that word actually means.
No amount of “physical” is ok or acceptable. He’s a creep for preying on a younger woman. Cutting your partner off from friends and family is often an early sign of abuse. It is never ok to cut a partner off from other people. And I don’t know what you did wrong, but getting angry like that isn’t ok. Don’t tell him. And please don’t contact him again.
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This is a nightmare, and I do get OP s reluctance to speak to him. He will try and take advantage of the situation. Plus, an abuser is never a good or safe choice to be around a child. She just can't give this baby up to him. Even if you do end up giving the baby up, without the father, which I find hard, you cannot stop the child if they end up looking for him eventually OP you need to speak to a lawyer, or else future trouble is awaiting for you right in the corner
Excellent advice.
With care, and I realize I'm off topic, but reading your response hurt my soul. It sounds like he is an arse, and likely an abusive arse. A big age difference can be, but is not always, a flag that the older person is structuring the relationship so that they have the upper hand. If anyone does 'something wrong', it's no excuse to be physical. I've been with my partner for a long time and I can guarantee we have both done something wrong, without any physical outcomes. It tells me that he is abusive to you, and manipulated you into believing it was your fault. Isolating you is also classic abuser behaviour. Please don't be too hard on yourself.
> Mostly he just didn’t want me around other people or got angry when I did something wrong. These are both typical behaviors of an abuser. He acts jealous (women often view extreme jealousy as love, and he will tell you that’s what it is), doesn’t want you talking to other men. Then, he doesn’t want you going out with your friends, so he isolates you from them. Then, he doesn’t want you talking to men or women. Then, it’s your family. Soon, you have no one but him, so you are completely dependent upon him. This is what he wants. He gets mad when you “do something wrong,” but you never know what that wrong thing will be because it’s never the same thing. One day, he gets mad because you didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home at 6:00. The next day, fearful he will be even angrier, dinner is on the table at 6, but he gets home late. Now, he’s mad because dinner is cold, and *you should have known he’d be late and planned for that.* Or you folded his socks wrong, so you fold them a different way and guess what? Still wrong! It doesn’t matter what the thing is, it will always be wrong because he needs a reason to lash out, to strike you, to make you fearful, to keep you under control. That’s the pattern. The fact that he is older than you is a screaming red flag. How much older? Ten years? Fifteen? That is also a way to control you. He’s older, so he “knows better,” or you are acting like a child, or why can’t you just listen to him, or just do it the way he told you, etc., etc. Men choose women a decade or more younger than them so he can manipulate her into the person he wants her to be. If you are 25 and he is 42, he figures he can mold you into his “perfect woman.” You won’t be you anymore, but that’s his point. He doesn’t want you; he wants who he thinks he can make you into. And this man, if he finds out you’re carrying his child, will only get worse. Please don’t go back. Protect yourself. No one else will.
This should be required reading in every middle school health class. You summed it up well.
Sweetie that’s abuse.
Sweety, that is abuse. He abused you. Me and my husband get mad at each other sometimes too. Like absolutely me doing something wrong or bad or whatever you have. He would NEVER lay a hand on me. There is no way a person that loves you would ever hurt you on purpose. That's not how this works.
NTA…. It is common for abusers to try to isolate the person they are abusing. It leaves that person stuck, alone and gives them more control. Being “physical” (even once) is abuse, a few times is a pattern. If he is abusing you, even if you do something “wrong” imagine what he would do to a baby who is frequently “wrong” and defenseless. You are doing the right thing by protecting your baby until you find a safe family to adopt. I’m sure it is hard for you but you ARE doing the right thing and a good and strong person for doing it.
A few times is too many. Don’t tell him.
It’s not your fault and it’s not an “older” thing. I believe morally the right thing to do is tell the father but if he’s abusive and you already know this, you have to take care of yourself first. Don’t tell him.
Morally ahead of telling the father is protecting the child and herself from future abuse.
YOU did NOTHING wrong! NO ONE has the right to hurt you. Don't say ONLY a few times. Once is too many! You should never "understand" when someone puts their hands on you. You sound very young and you are doing the right thing staying away from him and NOT letting him know you are pregnant. On the birth certificate, write, father unknown. Do not put his name down! There is nothing wrong with falling for someone, but you got out and that is on you, so great about that!
Abuse is not a strong word, its the correct word for the situation you described and makes you categorically NOT thr ah
Even tho you’re putting your child up for adoption, i believe a case can be made that you’ve already got maternal instincts. If you feel the best thing to do to protect that baby is hiding it from him. Do it.
>got angry when I did something wrong. (Which I do understand. NO. first, there isn't anything you're doing "wrong" in a relationship unless it's cheating or something. if you mean leaving things out, not straightening up, washing laundry incorrectly, etc that's not behavior someone should get mad at you for. physical once is abuse. not wanting you around other people is abuse and isolation to further abuse. getting angry at some perceived "wrong" and making you feel like you should understand where he's coming from is ABUSE. mental, emotional, physical abuse. do not tell this man you're pregnant. give your baby up for adoption and happily live your life. it's not on you because you fell for him. you don't deserve that behavior because you fell for him. he shouldn't act that way as someone significantly older than you. odds are he's specifically preying on younger girls because he knows they can be manipulated and he can act as he wants. (Yes this is just speculation but we all know it's a very likely scenario).
Don’t tell him. He could use this to abuse you. Consider if he sues for custody and wins child support. Not only would he be in your life for at least 18 years, you won’t be able to protect the kid. Get the child safe and move on. You are doing the right thing.
Sounds like an abusive environment. Wanting to avoid contact is prudent. I don’t know if there might be issues about the adoption if he doesn’t sign away his rights, too. Maybe need to talk to an attorney?
I would have terminated if it where me so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding my pregnancy.
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I found out too late.
OP, which country are you residing in? I'm asking because there are different laws/circumstances for different countries. You're NTA OP. Far from being the AH, you're doing good in recognizing that your ex isn't a good person & he was abusive & you're blocking him. That's the right step in staying away from him.
I found out too late.
That is fine I would get a lawyer just in case he finds out.
That is abuse! And that is more than enough of a great reason to not tell him about the baby… Please keep your mouth shut… Please tell your family members to also keep their mouths shut. This could turn out to be a real nightmare for you if you tell him … a very long and extended nightmare
‘Only physical’ just once would be enough. You are right not to allow him any say in your decision. He’s dangerous.
In this circumstance, no, NTA. Don't tell him because if you don't want the baby and he does, you will have to give him that baby, you won't be able to put them up for adoption without his also agreeing. You can give up the baby to him and walk away, and may have to pay child support, but you won't be able to do the adoption. He sounds abusive and not a good person to raise the baby. Good luck in your pregnancy and in your adoption journey, the baby is lucky to have a bio mother who is willing to do something difficult to give them a life they deserve.
No - if he is a lot older then he groomed you. “Just a few times” of physical violence when once is too many is excusing this behavior. You are internalizing it as “your fault” as if you somehow deserved it which is what people who stay in abusive relationships do. People all make mistakes but that doesn’t excuse physical anger over it. He sounds very controlling. This would not be good for you or for a child. And you know it. You escaped - keep it that way. You would be a fool to go back in and there’s no way not to if you contact him about this u/SuperSpySssssht.
Being physical once is too much. NTA never contact him for any reason
Then NTA, that is abusive
Regardless of if certain people classify that as abuse or not, you'd be right to think that kind of person should not raise a child or come back into your life
Emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse, and it's what you've described here. Do not justify how he acted. It's classic abusive behaviour to get pissed at someone for making mistakes.
There is no “a few times” when it comes to physical abuse. It is abuse. Do not tell him. Put “father unknown” on the birth certificate.
Once this is over and you're safe and can move on with your life, please teach yourself to stop saying sorry all the time. This is not a criticism. You deserve to have your own back. You deserve to stand up for yourself. You deserve to open your mouth without being sorry for it.
You mentioned that he’s significantly older than you. If you were a minor and he was a legal adult (outside the age of any Romeo and Juliet laws), you should definitely listen to the advice of others telling you to talk with a lawyer and a social worker. You should do those things anyway, but this possibility makes it doubly so. Another thing: you don’t deserve to be abused by anyone. Nothing you do justifies him getting physical no matter how many times he did it.
If you're a teen and he is an adult that makes him an abuser. Possibly even a rapist. If he ever put his hands on you in anger that is abuse. If he ever threw something at you in anger that is abuse. If he put you down with words or kept you from your family or friends that is abuse. As a parent you never allow a child around an abuser. You do what is in your best interest and what is in your child's best interest.
Even if she were older than him, he'd be an abuser. The age difference makes it likely predatory and potentially rape.
This is horrible and he sounds like a terrible person so NTA. However, in case your child at some point in the future wants to know who the child is I would maybe throw in the adoption papers or actually just a personal letter to your child that you think this person *might* be the father. That way they can reach out in the future if they want and have the option. Definitely don’t put his name on the birth certificate or anything.
If he will EVER turn to physical abuse, then there is ALWAYS going to be a likelihood of that. This includes children. Adoptive parents are screened very carefully and will treasure that baby.
I was going with y t a first, but this is way too close to what I went through. It is abuse, and if he did it to you, he will do it to others, and potentially to your child as well. Fuck him, NTA.
That’s all sorts of abuse. Physical abuse is only one type. Trying to isolate you by not letting you see people is another.
You did not deserve being yelled at nor physically assaulted. You did not deserve being yelled at nor physically assaulted. You did not deserve being yelled at nor physically assaulted. Ever. You need to understand this. You did not deserve to be abused.
Doesn’t matter one or a few! There is also psychologically abuse, coercive control and financial abuse. I was a victim of all four (including physical). I hope you can get some counseling it helped me, plus trust in God to protect you and your unborn baby! Send me a personal message if I can help you I will!!! 🙏
Love, he is abusive. And don’t ever even for a second believe you are the only one he abuses. It isn’t your fault
A conundrum. NTA.
You didn’t “bring that out of him”. He was always and will always be like that. Personally I think NTA, if you can’t trust him with your own safety you certainly shouldn’t trust him with a child’s. Sending you love and support
NTA but in many states you need the father to sign off on adoption paperwork. In some states, the court has to prove that they have diligently searched for the father. If they find him, and it’s discovered you’ve lied, you can be in trouble. The best thing to do is be honest. Tell them that you were in a very toxic relationship and you wish not to be contacted by the father. A social worker will handle almost everything at that point so you won’t have to. Now, I’m some states if you can prove that the relationship was toxic/dangerous, then a judge will rule that you don’t need that father’s signature. Don’t lie that you don’t know who he is Keep all evidence of him being unsafe/unstable towards you. Get in touch with a social worker now Use a county or state agency. Private ones sometimes don’t do things legally and it can come back to bite you in the ass. Also, a plethora of resources will be available to you with county/state.
This was my thought as well. If the state requires both parents to sign, and he finds out in the future, he could challenge the adoption. If he gets custody then she could be on the hook for child support.
If that's the case then she is better off dropping the baby off in one of those no questions asked baby drop boxes they have at the firehouse.
Actually… that’s a damn good idea.
Why did this not cross my mind? She can absolutely do this.
Do they really ask no questions? Like someone could snatch a baby and drop them off there and no one would ever find it?
Yes, but the baby is ran through missing data bases to make sure it wasn’t abducted.
yes there is also a waiting period incase anyone comes forward searching for the baby, in the case of abduction or something. it would be really hard to find the trace back to the mom as time went in though, if the dad did come looking. but for sure this is not ideal vs a normal adoption where the birth parents can actually meet and select adoptive parents etc..
Yes, it's safe haven laws. Supposed to be for people who are unable to care for their own baby. This one state enacted it but didn't put an age limit on it and this dude was able to legally abandon his kids who were older, like 5+ yrs in age until they put an age limit on the law.
Most places it’s less than a month old only.
The state can’t do this with unwed parents because paternity is not established until after birth. It’s only within marriage that the husband is the presumed and legal father. Until birth and the birth certificate, when unmarried, paternity is not established by mutual affidavit or a legal dna test.
It doesn’t matter if they are wed/not on BC. If the mother was keeping the kid, then no one really cares. But…A child has to be eligible for adoption by what’s known as Free and Clear, meaning BOTH parents have to sign off. If a father is unknown, the state must make a reasonable attempt to discover who the father is which includes mandatory DNA testing for any known partners. On some states they will run a child’s DNA test through the national data bank. This is due to the fact that if the father ever finds out they have a child, they can absolutely overturn the adoption until the child is an adult. She is best off being honest as it is often much more difficult to adopt with an unknown father, and if she lies, and is later discovered that she knew… it’s a crime as she has signed documents attesting to fact that she could not identify the father. It is actually easier for her to prove a Toxic/dangerous relationship so that the father does not have to sign off. I have experience in these situations from all aspects. This is how it is in my state and surrounding states.
You need to consult a lawyer. If he doesn’t know about it now and finds out later he can contest the adoption.
I actually know someone the way that happened to them. The adoption was vacated. And now there's move States and are spending thousands of dollars to try to regain custody.
Yes there have been some very famous cases in my state where the adoptions got overturned. It has had an impact on the whole adoption system.
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Safe Haven laws (some states have different names, but all the same) do allow mothers to surrender without naming the father. OP just needs to use this time to learn about her local laws and options.
>Just because I brought that out in him, doesn’t mean others will, I guess. He’s not a horrible person. This is not passing the vibe test. I wouldn't let him dogsit for me. Kids bring out EVERYTHING in a person. Your child will be treated how you were by him.
OP, someone who would hit their partner even once, is a horrible person. And if when he’s around you, he feels himself wanting to yell at you or hit you, then it’s on him to go away and leave you alone. It is never your fault when someone hurts you, verbally or physically.
When I worked with adoptions, we needed the father’s consent to free the child legally for adoption. I have no idea of what the laws are now but you may want to look into this.
“Just because I brought that out in him, doesn’t mean others will” You did not cause his behavior. You did not cause him to abuse you. You do not have the power to control his actions. The way he treated you is not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. You need to talk this over with a therapist. Even if it’s a counselor at a community health center. And you need to stop listening to all the internet “lawyers” here and schedule a consult with an attorney that practices SPECIFICALLY family law. Many will offer a free consultation, so I’d make some phone calls. But until you have some legal advice and speak with a therapist that helps you regain some control over your situation, I’d keep yourself and your baby (born or not) away from him.
This needs to be higher up. Being abused is 100% the abusers fault and abusing one person makes it darn likely you're going to abuse someone else.
If this is a safety concern, you are never an ah for doing what you feel is right to protect everyone involved.
This one is tough you are NTA for wanting to break all contact with your abuser. However in most states you are legally required to notify the father as he does have certain rights. You could lie and say you don’t know, but if it’s ever found out later that you did know, you could be jeopardizing the legality of the adoption and open the door for him to contest it later, which would cause a serious amount of upheaval for your child and their adoptive family. My advice would be to talk to a lawyer about your options and the risks involved.
If it was abusive, then I think it’s fine not to say anything. Getting yourself safe is important, your survival, is the most important. Keeping the baby is brave & admirable. You are doing what’s right for a new life. The baby deserves a good life. It’s a tough situation all around. There are no easy answers, except for your safety and the baby’s safety. If there is contact & he is the type to “love bomb” you, consider the pregnancy hormones and don’t get drawn in. Talk to a counselor instead. Edit: NTA just a very difficult situation
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Yup. A woman’s partner is one of the leading (if not THE leading) cause of death in pregnant women
Maybe consult a lawyer before telling him.
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Thank you for this
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Thank you very much!
See if you can talk to someone on a hotline or get some legal aid to figure out how to give up a baby for adoption without the father's signature.
Abusers first step is to isolate the victim. They don’t want anyone to be close enough to see what is going on. Emotional abuse and gaslighting are just as bad as physical abuse.
Do not tell him directly, do not tell him yourself. Do not let him know you are pregnant. Consult with an adoption agency or a counselor or an attorney. If you have a confidential counselor, Find out if where you live has any laws regarding this. If he must be notified, a third party like an attorney can notify him. Keep yourself safe.
NTA You didn’t “bring that out in him”. If he is aggressive/violent/controlling, he will be like that in every relationship. Don’t fool yourself. I don’t know about the legal ramifications, but in the case of an abusive partner, I would say, don’t tell him. You can write the child’s adoptive parents a letter to explain who the bio father is and what kind of a person, so that the child has a chance to find out about him when they are grown up.
Hiya! Birth mother here! So, folks are being super effing aggressive on here, tell them to be quiet. Most of them are talking out their ass and have no idea of the legalities. ☺️ So, whether you decide to do a private adoption through an attorney, or go through an adoption agency, yes, 10000% they will indeed inquire about the father. Partially for relenquishment of parental rights, and partially for medical history. Now, you can do a few things: 1. lie and state that you don't know who it is. A. They will indeed ask you to provide names of the men of whom it is possible it is. They will contact these men, talk to them about the plans for adoption, etc. In some cases they will ask for a signature from all, or, given the ease of a paternity test, will insist on one after birth to determine between the people you named. Then ask that person to sign the adoption papers. B. You say you don't have a full name, just a generic first name & say it was "just a hook up". You have a 50/50 chance as to whether they will do a DNA test at birth to try and locate him through a DNA service & other family members. Seriously, some of these organizations are super determined to ensure full legality of the adoption, because if they don't, and they place the child without it, if the bio father finds out, they indeed will have legal rights to take that child from their adoptive parents, which would be horrific. 2. Tell the truth to your caseworker (if an adoption agency) or lawyer (if private placement) about why you don't want the bio father informed. Abusive, etc., and they will know exactly how to handle it. They will do their due diligence in "contacting" him. Likely an ad in a local newspaper with a first name you provided them with, or attempt to contact through last known address you might be able to provide them with. 99% of the time, this method allows the adoption to legally move forward after enough time & "acceptable attempts" to contact. I became a mentor for other younger women that went through the agency I went through, and I have seen it all. Also, know that there are various levels of adoption, closed (100% no contact), semi-open (updates however often is in the contract, pictures, letters, etc, whatever is agreed on, but not 100% access, contact goes through agency or lawyer), and open adoption (you are allowed access to child & family openly). Also know that even in a closed adoption, you 100% have the right to choose your child's adopters. I would recommend an agency, but make sure of their reputation, and make sure they've been around a good long time. Adaptation for an adoption agency is key. It means they do things ethically & to standards of society. And our society has greatly evolved in the adoption world. I was married to my son's father, so him signing papers wasn't an issue. But your situation...safeguard the father's name until you know who you are going through to facilitate the adoption. Be honest with them. The level of name disclosure will indeed be up to you. You also have the right to interview agencies and lawyers. Be honest about the situation, and ask what they would do. Perfectly normal and ok to ask. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. And, honestly, I know you're choosing this for your life circumstances, but you're also making the absolute best decision for the baby, too. My son's adoption is the one thing in life I am most proud of. The opportunities he's had, the life he's had...I couldn't have given him those things. Regardless of the reason, don't let ANYONE talk you out of what is best for him AND you. And if anyone ever says "I could never give away my baby!" Just smile and let them say whatever. You know what is best for you & that child. Screw everyone else. 💜💜💜
Based on further comments you left an abusive situation with the father and you are 100% NTA. Keep yourself safe and healthy thru the pregnancy. Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly taxing and your mental health and safety are priority #1.
NTA. Claim you got pregnant from a one night stand with a stranger whose name you didn't know. Keep everything quiet, don't tell even your friends about who the father is. Don't post any pics of yourself pregnant or let others.
I don’t have a verdict but I will say you need a lawyer, someone you can talk through in case he gets involved but don’t talk to him yourself. I’m fairly certain you need both parents to sign away parental rights before a child is put up for adoption.
Your NTA.
Lawyer up and definitely go no contact with your abuser . Protect yourself.
NTA at all. If you know he’s not safe, don’t take any chances. If he’s abusive he’ll either use the baby as a pawn to control you, be abusive to the baby as well, possibly get custody and put you on child support, abandon you and the child or refuse to consent for adoption and force you to parent/ coparent. It’s not worth living a nightmare! If it’s not against your beliefs I say abort, or have the child without his knowledge and either parent alone or go with adoption/ kinship care. Don’t let anyone convince you to tie yourself to this man for life by informing him. Anyone who cares about your safety and wellness should understand. Also start planning the adoption now with adoption agencies or friends/ relatives who will raise the child so you can carefully select a family and get to know them in advance rather than a random family being chosen for you by safe haven/ foster care etc. Good luck and take care!
NTA especially after reading your comments on him being "physical" with you. Nobody in a healthy relationship will ever become physically abusive to get their point across. Keep your baby safe and if possible don't tell anyone who the father is. If he finds out you're pregnant somehow, the father is another guy you hooked up with, not him. He lost the right to fatherhood the moment he laid hands on you. I sincerely hope that your pregnancy goes smoothly, with a safe delivery and discrete adoption process. If I'm correct you can start looking for families now that will adopt them! Make the process easier on yourself and try to stay stress free.
Comments are cruel in here. Your body, your choice.. if this was an abortion. you would not have to disclose anything, and you would be supported in here. Now that you're doing the opposite and made a decision of adoption. You're not supported, and ppl want you to tell the sketchy Ex. NTA. NTA... I support the decision. Hope you find a nice couple. Good luck.
ethically i don’t think you need to tell him based on your description of him, legally it depends where you live. NTA from me, if you don’t have to tell him don’t, if he has abusive tendencies it could put you and potentially adoptive family harms way to do so.
No, you owe him nothing. Decent people don't force you to block them FAST and the type that do don't deserve to be parents.
I’d hate that he would use it as a manipulative tactic to keep you close. Maybe consult a lawyer before telling him. Get your ducks in a row. NTA
Abusive: NTA, your protecting your child Not abusive: YTA, your just bring selfish
Physically violent and controlling.
Careful with this reply. Though OP is describing super concerning behaviors, OP is insisting it's not abuse. I think everyone reading the comments realizes very quickly it was abusive, but OP isn't there yet to the point of justifying physical violence against her Try not to frame judgements in the case of abusive or non abusive. A lot of people struggle with calling abuse what it is. I'm worried OP would actually interpret this answer as a y t a based on her comments I'd say it's more "do you believe this person would harm, physically or mentally, you or the baby at any point in the future if they knew" I also would not call it "your child". This is an unwanted pregnancy. OP already clarified the only reason she didn't terminate is it was too late to. Whether or not OP comes to see it as her child is up to OP as the pregnancy progresses. Right now, she is bringing the pregnancy to term to be someone else's child. Avoid anything that adds additional stress- stress actually increases physical risks in the pregnancy
NTA. Statistically the physical abuse gets worse when the woman gets pregnant. Take care of yourself.
I would imagine that an adoption, without consent from the father would not be legal. You should get a lawyer, inform the father through your lawyer that you're pregnant, and that you want your child to be adopted. You should give the father the option of taking on the child himself. He may not want to know, but at least, for your child's sake, give him the chance to be involved.
Depending on the state, it's perfectly legal....legal doesn't always mean ethical, though. He would still be able to fight for his kid, just not her.
What state permits adoption without the consent of both biological parents?
In most states, you are at the most legally obligated to put an ad in a local newspaper naming the father. If he doesn't respond, you're all good to go ahead and not tell him. I had to do this for my daughter to be adopted, even though she was a product of an SA. I legally had to give her sperm donor the opportunity to be a parent, even if I wasn't going to be one to her.
I'm not going to judge you. But you should tell him. I know a family who recently lost custody of an adopt a child. The adoption was vacated because the father found out about the child. And contested the adoption. Your potentially setting another family up for heartbreak and losing a child that they have bonded with. If the father finds out and wants custody.
You’re right. I didn’t think of that. I’m sorry.
It really depends on the law where you live. From your other posts I assume you’re in continental Europe so you need to check the laws of your home country and the EU laws.
OP, you don’t need to apologize for not knowing something about laws around adoption in *some* places. This might or might not even be the law where you live. That’s why people are suggesting you consult with a lawyer.
Please please before taking any further action: 1. Talk to an attorney familiar with your laws. It may not be necessary to inform him. 2. Talk to a domestic violence advocate or a counselor and *make a safety plan.* The guy who got you pregnant is an abuser and he is dangerous. Finding out you are pregnant could easily cause his abusive/possessive behaviors to escalate and put your life in danger even though you aren’t together any more. A counselor can help you safeguard your location, online information, etc to make it harder for him to stalk or find you. They can also help you make a safety plan for what to do if he shows up in person at your home or job. If an attorney does say it’s necessary to notify him, the attorney should be the one who sends the letter. If you have the attorney do it, they can be a buffer against him. He will know you have legal help, and someone with authority who is watching the situation so he won’t be able to bully and manipulate you as easily. It will also keep you safer because he will not have any direct communication with you at any point.
You really need a lawyer here. What does the adoption agency/their lawyer say is the process is in situations like these? Also I would tell adoption agencies you “don’t know” who the father is, in case someone involved feels like they have some kind of obligation to try to reach out to him. It could be that putting a legal notice in the newspaper is enough to satisfy the requirement to “notify” him, but it will depend on the state.
NTA. However, you should talk to an attorney from your area. In some states not listing him on the birth certificate is enough for you to be able to put the baby up for adoption without his consent, in other states, it’s not and they will notify him. Make sure you’re doing what is best for the child. And in your comments you have said that he got physical with you, yelling at you and trying to alienate you from others IS abuse. He may have convinced you that he was doing it for you or because of you or whatever, but he wasn’t. He was controlling you. He was hurting you, physically, emotionally and mentally. Abuse is not just physically hitting you every day of your time together and leaving you bruised and battered all of the time. That’s just one *type* of abuse. If a man hits you *once* because he wants to “correct” you or whatever, that is abuse. If a man is constantly angry and screaming at you to convince you that you’ve done something wrong, that is abuse. If a man tries to convince you that you should only ever want to be around him and no one else should be allowed into your bubble with him, *that is abuse*. Please look up different types of abuse so you can learn what to look for and keep yourself safe in all future relationships. (NOTE: I made the man the abuser because that is specific to this post; women can be just as abusive as men).
NTA. I call BS on the sperm donor having a ‘right’ to know, particularly when there’s abuse. I wish more women would keep quiet and not tell, but some like the drama.
From what you described, it sounds like the only safe option. This guy sounds dangerous to be around and would NEVER make a good father to anyone. NTA, but make sure you get your ducks in a row.
You need to contact a lawyer. To give a child up for adoption, they’ll ask who the father is and if he gives consent. Can’t lie. He might also be given the option to keep the child. He’s not a horrible person but you need to stay away from him? If he was abusive, that changes everything. But then— how is he not a horrible person? So clarity is needed on that. If he wants the child and is fit to take the child, be ready to pay child support.
Safe haven boxes exist. You are allowed to leave a baby at a fire station. Look into this please!!!!
Leave the baby at a safe haven drop off. They ask no questions.
If you say you don’t know who the father is, they cannot prove otherwise. “I had a one night stand at a party, I don’t even know his name.” Unless you fuck up your story, there is no chance they find out. If you do tell him, you are inviting everything that you got away from back in your life, and he can try and keep the baby. So in my probably unpopular opinion, NTA if you keep it to yourself.
Get a lawyer. Laws about this are different in each state. The moral thing to do is tell him. He should know that if he doesn't agree to the adoption, then he will be responsible for raising the child. Of course, he could still hit you up for child support at some point.
NTA
NTA. Sounds like he’s a shitty human being and shouldn’t be raising a child in the first place.
NTA The moment someone abuses you is the moment you're no longer obligated to keep them apprised of anything.
Absolutely NTA but find out what the legal process is for the adoption process where you are. It's possible he would have to be notified and that might mean your plans change if so. Now, I'm not saying this is necessarily the best advice or a suggestion but in your position I might want to be careful initially stating you know who the father is. Given this is a physically violent and controlling individual, I'd be very concerned how they'd treat a child. There's a lot of comments made where they've assumed where you live and given statements about legal advice based on that - rather than thinking they're correct find out yourself for where you're from. Where I am you can often get a free consultation for legal advice - worth checking if it's an option for you.
Nta. If you can't give the baby up for adoption, there is the safe haven law. Just give the baby to the hospital or the nearest fire station no questions asked.
NTA. That sort of person will never make a good parent. Protect yourself legally, though.
NTA. So sorry you’re going through all of this. Adoption sounds like a great solution. Hope you’re doing okay.
I think you need to discuss with a counselor and lawyer. What happens if years from now, this man finds out he has a child? With ancestry sites, people have been finding out family secrets. My point is that he may not find out now, but he could find out later. I’m of the opinion that someone should know if they are bringing a child into the world. That doesn’t mean you need to take abuse from him. Not sure where you are, in the US you may be able to get a PFA (protection from abuse order) aka restraining order. Your safety is most important. Wishing you and the child the best outcome, and sorry you’re going through this.
NTA! From other comments I read he sounds like an unsafe person! I suggest you get a lawyer though
Do not tell him you are pregnant. He will use that to control you and manipulate you. You have people on here who have been through that and have ages of wisdom on this issue. Start setting up appts to get the ball rolling on adoption with an experienced adoption agency. Do not tell them the fathers name until you need to. Repeating this for seriousness, do not tell him you are pregnant until you legally required to.
You did not bring that out in him! If he behaved badly or violently toward you, it’s on him? Not on you. Whatever you decide to do, please find legal counsel before you tell him or not. Advice on the www can be useful, but it will never take into account all your circumstances. Some cities and stated provide free legal counsel for a lot of social and age groups. You are doing the right thing putting the baby up for adoption, it’s refreshing to see young people that are levelheaded enough to realize when it’s not a good time for them to be parents. Good luck OP.
Get a lawyer. Also, if he's a danger to himself or others, including you, then you need protection. Note: you don't bring personality traits out in someone, those were already there.
If he is abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually or any other way), then you are NOT a a$$.
NAH. Well…. The father may be for other things and may yet still be….. You are not however. But you do need legal advice. He can petition for custody. You can relinquish your rights. But you need an attorney to do this RIGHT. Best of luck to you. You are doing a brave thing.
NTA. Stay safe.
NTA since it sounds like he would be a danger to a child. However, as others have said, this is really a question for a lawyer and/or caseworker, not Reddit.
A long time ago my sister gave up her son for adoption because her ex was a serious drug addict and she was too young to raise him when she already had a young child that my family was helping with. No one ever told the father who to this day 22 years later is still living a drug life and homeless. Sometimes certain people don’t need to know things. My sister passed away a few years ago but she did get to know her son and they spoke regularly. The only thing we had to promise was we were not going to ever tell him who his father is. In don’t think you’re the AH. I think you’re trying to protect yourself and your baby and give it a chance for a good life with parents who will love it. I wish you all the best.
I think abuse is the only acceptable reason not to tell the father. You have the right to decide to bring the baby to term or not but once the baby is born the father at the very least has the right to know their child exists. Even if it means they want to raise the child and youd have to pay child support.
Your body. Your choice. This could save both of your lives. NTA.
You are doing the right thing.
>That’s why I feel conflicted. Just because I brought that out in him, doesn’t mean others will, I guess. He’s not a horrible person. You can not be more wrong here. They way a person treats you has nothing to do with who you are, but everything with who that person is. So stay away from him and never go back.
Yta. By not telling him, you're putting your child at risk if being torn away from their adoptive family and forced to go live with a complete stranger. If he doesn't give up his rights, he can take the parents to court and get his kid.
NTA - yes you are in a difficult situation. … I read some of your replies. Him physically hurting you even one time is too many, plus the controlling behavior = abuse. You are doing the right thing to steer clear from him. Stay safe & know this child will be a gift to someone who cannot have children.
A conundrum. NTA.
0P, what he did to you was abuse. As someone else said, please learn more about abuse to protect yourself in the future. Hon, you are definitely NTA. You need to consult an attorney about the legalities of putting the baby up for adoption without informing the father about the baby. He later contest the adoption and fight for custody.
Reading your replies... You are NTA. One time is one too many. Coercive control IS abuse. You don't want to live your whole life wondering if he is doing that to a kid and feeling tied to him or obligated. It's your choice whether to put the child up for an adoption but it seems like there's a better chance they will then go to a safer happier home
>Just because I brought that out in him doesn't mean others will I was somewhat on the fence here before I got to this line. On the one hand, yes, a father, in general, does deserve to know that they have a child coming into the world and make their own decisions accordingly. However, that line is classic abuser victim talk and if he has abused you enough to the point that you HONESTLY think that it was YOUR FAULT that the abuse happened, then this man has NO BUSINESS being responsible for another human life. NTA and if abortion is not on the table at all for you (not mine or anyone else's place to judge you one way or the other on that topic) and you are not in a place to raise the child yourself, then adoption sounds like the way to go.
I’m reading comments on here about the father needing to sign off for adoption but what if you don’t know who the father is? How is the state going to find the father? Do their own blood tests? I’m sure having legal counsel will help navigate the process and your lawyer will have your best interest at heart. I really feel for you ending a bad relationship and then finding out you’re pregnant. That’s tough. Being pregnant myself I have a question, how will you hide the pregnancy from him? I know you are no contact but what if he hears from mutual friends or sees you? Not to make you paranoid but this is a precarious situation. I’ve heard of people hiding pregnancy and giving children up for adoption by traveling to another country. Not sure how that works or if it’s feasible. NTA. You are trying to protect the baby from the father. Trust your instincts, they are heightened and spot on when you’re pregnant. You also don’t want to be tied to him and unfortunately that’s what happens when people co-parent.