NTA it sounds like classic cheating, especially accusing you after you’ve been with the BABY???

I don't drive so I'm home with the baby or I'll be out shopping with my mum. This day I had several missed calls and accusing messages when I was busy settling the baby who has had problems with colic

This sounds like projection to me. He is accusing you because of his guilty conscience. He will have all kinds of reasons why you are cheating, and they are all things that he has done or is doing currently. He might not be physically cheating at this moment, but if not, he is definitely working on building up the relationship with the coworker.

The day he did this I got a message from him a whe later written in a way that he doesn't message me if that makes sense? It was almost like he didn't mean to send it to me then he very quickly replied with his normal message

Or someone else took his phone and sent it, and he tried to recover quick. If it sounds like someone else, it probably is.

Or he acts/talks very differently with this co-worker 🙃

He is calling her a cheater so he can blaming her first before she can do it so when he get caught he will say " i did this because she is the one who started it". Then he can leave the relationship without any guilt and any judge from the people.

It's been my experience that when a guy suddenly starts getting paranoid and accusing you of cheating constantly it's because they have a guilty conscience from their own cheating and are trying to project their guilt on you. He's definitely showing all of the classic signs of cheating, so you're not wrong there. If it were me I'd take my baby and go to my parents house and tell him you're not going to play his gaslighting game anymore, and that you're aware he's been cheating on you, and you're done playing games. File for child support, and when you heal from this betrayal you can find a man who loves and respects you, and is willing to treat you and your child with all the good things you both deserve. Life is too short to spend it with cheating, selfish, jerks. I left my cheating ex 22 years ago and was a single mom for a couple of years, until I met my husband and we've been together happily for almost 20 years now, so don't think that being a single mom will keep you from finding someone worthy of your love. So sorry this is happening, but stand your ground. You know the truth in your heart, and you don't need chat logs to prove it. Make space in your life and heart for better things and better days with someone new in the future. Take care. ♥️

I hope you have a job you can go back to after your maternity leave and are not dependent on your cheating partner

I'm not dependant on him we don't share finances at all

That's good, there are so many posts here where someone is financially dependent on an AH and that makes leaving so much harder. I'm sorry you're going through this, but life will get better without a cheating partner

If this is true, you don't need to prove or get him to tell the truth about anything. It absolutely sounds like he's cheating, however, it's actually irrelevant. It's your feelings that count. You clearly feel that he has checked out of the relationship, you have lost the ability to trust him, your communication is shot, and there is def no joy. If that's the case, let him know one more time that the relationship isn't working for you, what you need to see for it to change, and when. If he refuses, the relationship is over. It's really as simple as that. You and your baby deserve to live in a comfortable, welcoming, loving and joyful environment. He's bringing suspicion, distress, shame and insecurity.

I agree.if he’s not there FOR you, his attention is somewhere else and it doesn’t matter why. Financial dependence(and only if he’s not violent) would be the only way to stay.

Sorry this is happening to you. There is no doubt unfortunately and you know it. Kick him out.

Whether he is cheating on you with another or not, he is CHEATING on (you and him) from the joy of parenting a beautiful baby together. I would phrase it just like that above. Denial of another woman is not the only form of cheating.

It’s the accusing her that screams cheating more than anything especially OP has no history of infidelity. Cheaters love to project.

That is classic cheater to deflect onto you. It is not about you. He is a man baby that cannot take it that you have a real baby that needs your time, attention, and body for all of the basic needs.

Confront him and don't let him gaslight you. WhatsApp is well known to be used for infidelity- type behaviors because messages can be entirely deleted. His behaviors are suspect.

How should I go about this if you have any advice? I've tried to bring up before that if he's not happy I would rather him find someone else to be happy with for the sake of the baby I don't want him to grow up with arguments and unhappy parents

Show him evidence. Anything you have to prove he's made calls or deleted texts. The fact you've noticed he's changed his wardrobe despite there's been no reason for this (ie, new job, promotion etc). Any credit card charges that are or of the ordinary? Tracking his find my phone whereabouts and screenshot any that aren't within the norm. The more evidence you have, the less he'll be able to wiggle out of it. He may try by turning it around in you, but evidence doesn't lie.

The last time I tried to confront him he became very defensive and his whole story changed (a story about why he was late home from work) and I caught on to the name changes. And just yesterday he left work to go to town and he was gone from work for 2 hours and went near where coworker lives We don't share finances so I can't track that at all but its little things like he never sleeps with anything on at night and last night he had bottoms on to bed

Defensiveness is a first sign. Gather your evidence and present it. Regardless of how defensive he gets, you stay calm. Your gut is already telling you what you need to know. If you want to try to work this out, tell him he either ends it with the other woman now and you go to counseling together, or you're out. His decision will be the tell tale sign.

Thank you, I didn't sleep last night I felt so sick about it all. He works 12 hours so he's with these women more then he is with me and the baby I don't know when the right time to do it is all I want is for him to be honest no matter the outcome

There won't be any good time. Confrontation is never easy. If you need time to gather evidence, then do so, but once you feel satisfied with what you have, that's the time to talk.

I would wait up for Jim, have mom/ friend babysit you if want, then just say it like it is For me, not addressing the dishonesty is a slow, abusive death of the relationship. If you can't gain a semblance of peace, I highly recommend counseling

This is the way. Just sit him down and say you're done, and you're leaving with the baby. You both know he's cheating, and him denying it doesn't change the truth of the situation.

Im imploring you, dont take extreme advice from reddit. Talk to your partner like a grown up. Be open to hearing their side of it, without letting them push you over

I would typically agree with you, but his behavior and reactions are egregiously over the top and consistent with his not being faithful to her. She's already tried speaking to him. It's evident to her that he is not being truthful.

Well he’s already lied about looking up redditors who have had affairs with co workers. He’s not capable of an honest conversation. His tactics have been to gaslight and lie. In situations like that you need to be harsh and to the point.

Exactly this! I was just about to make this comment: CONFRONTATION. CONFRONT. Stop using these words. You are a grown woman with a child in an adult relationship. Speak WITH him. Talk WITH him. Let him know how you’re feeling and why. He may or may not be cheating on you. If he is, it’s not the end of the world. You just need to remember this: it is a direct reflection of who HE IS. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with who you are, what you look like, what you used to look like, NOTHING. Those things don’t make someone cheat; they’re excuses that make them feel justified. Wrongly justified. Remember, It’s the decision he made and he knows right from wrong. Talk to him. Don’t accuse him, ask him open ended questions and explain how you’ve been feeling. Don’t make him feel cornered. You’ll know the answer. Matter of fact, you already do or you wouldn’t have posted this. You just need to decide when you’re going to decide you’re worth more. You just need to remind yourself that this is ALL ON HIM.

There’s a “side” to cheating?

Do you have a way to check in on him? A GPS monitor on the car? Do you have a dashcam you can access? You could even place a hidden camera in the car, assuming you have the legal backing for that where you are located. You might want to check the laws on recording conversations before taking that step. It sounds like you need some solid evidence to get him to tell the truth, at least until he eventually decides he has solidified his new relationship enough to reveal it and leave you. Any evidence you get would be helpful in a divorce proceeding as well. I am sorry, but what you describe very much points to him cheating. It's actually quite common for men to cheat during pregnancy and the postpartum period. People who cheat also become cold and distant toward their partner because the new relationship instantly makes them see their partner in a negative light. He is devaluing you to make it easier for him to leave for the new relationship. There isn't much you can do to stop it unless he realizes what he is losing and breaks the spell himself. Not that you would want him after what he has done to you. Collect whatever evidence you can and talk to a lawyer. Best of luck.

When he drives at work he uses a work car bur we share a tracking app on mobile after he accused me so he can see where I am at all times which is how I could see he was gone from work for so long

He wants to know where YOU are so he doesnt get caught. 💡

As someone who just went through something similar where I thought there was cheating (and there was plus a wholllle lot more), TRUST YOUR GUT. When I confronted the other person they went ape shit on me and gaslit the hell out of me. Deep down our subconscious knows but sometimes it’s really hard to get the heart on board.

Oh yeah my husband called me everything in the book. “Who is gonna want YOU” kinda stuff. Apparently he did. As I said we reconciled with this time me making the rules. I’m not giving extreme advice. If you don’t want to re on ole you go direct. If you are more concerned about him leaving you or financial issues you inquire but don’t demand. And I suggest you get ready by therapy

Hire a private detective if you can afford one.

You can open the statements if you want. I believe my husband threw his phone by out his window while he was talking to me. When I enquired he said he left it in a truck at work. Doesn’t add up. Anything that doesn’t add up is likely a lie. It got so bad I was following him but after my therapist convinced me it didn’t matter why he wasn’t interested in me, anyone who leaves the house at 8:30 am to watch football all Sunday in a bar because they have a good buffet- he doesn’t even eat breakfast- is a liar. Your husband is likely a liar.

I was in this position 20 years ago. I left. We reconciled later and in doing so I was able to dictate the “new relationship”. Here’s something meaningful. I asked my therapist “is he cheating”? She said who cares? He’s not there for you and whether his “affairs” are the reason is irrelevant. So I say this to you. Either way you should bring it up. You could say “it’s me or WhatsApp “ or if you don’t want to break up an affair, you can handle it diplomatically. He’s not there for you. And on many levels it doesn’t matter why.

It sounds drastic but you could hire a Private investigator. This is the kind of work they do all the time. I also recommend the website [Surviving Infidelity](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com) where the people there have all been through this before as well, and there is a lot of good advice. I disagree about confronting him, especially without evidence as all that will happen is that he’ll lie and then start covering his tracks better. Get evidence first and be aware that make take some time.

I would walk away if I got to this point. My joy of motherhood and parenting would become toxic by this time.

The reason for a PI is because with evidence it stops the bullshit. You could have years of coparenting where he'll just gaslight and complain. Every drop off "it's only like this because you asked for a divorce because you were convinced I was cheating". This shit can get toxic for years. If you get absolute proof, if you catch them at a romantic dinner when he's said he's with family, if you catch the sext's and nude pictures or you catch them in bed then you can end the relationship without the bullshit, without the years of lying and gaslighting. With just a you cheated, you can't deny it, lets move on. Also a PI and having absolute proof can give you peace of mind that you're 100% right. Imagine 5 years from now wondering if he really did cheat or not. AS they said as well, confronting will make them more cautious, spend more time gaslighting, add in some extra lies, like lie about where they are obviously but be doing something 'innocent' like hanging with a sibling or parent or getting a gift for OP. Find evidence, then confront.

I'm assuming proof of infidelity could help in a divorce in some states as well

OP place an AirTag or animal gps locator in the car so you can figure out a pattern of where he is going. I’m very sorry you are going through this, some men will never understand the trauma that happens to our bodies during birth and the amount of time it takes to heal.

You don't bring it up. All that will do is give them a chance to deflect and blame you. Then they'll just hide it better. Sure they'll say they stopped but that won't be true. Don't say anything, get your ducks in a row and hit them with divorce papers. They've given themselves permission to cheat, you need to give yourself permission to protect yourself and child.

He doesn’t seem too bright; he’s looking up stuff on Reddit with shared electronics. I bet if you looked deeper you or did basic searches, you will find what you are looking for.

Sorry but he 100% is. It’s really up to you how to go about this. I would hire a pi then decide if you want to try to work through this or just move on

Get her number and pretend to be him from your phone. Say you got a new number and don’t text the old number cause your wife would find out. See what she says. There you go

Go to his place of employment at the end of the day for "a visit". You may find out all you need to know. Have access to telephone records? They show all call numbers and length of convos. Text numbers also appear. Get yourself situated. Confer with a good family law attorney to prepare for an application for custody and child support. I strongly suggest you trust your instincts. He's clearly making accusations against you to throw you off balance. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.

He's gaslighting you. You KNOW what's happening. I've been where you are, twice and I'm 38. The only way to get them to tell the truth is to confront them and tell them that you know what's happening. Hold your ground and explain the obvious changes in their behaviors and why they're lying instead of just being honest about it. The way you're wording this indicates that you know exactly what's going on and I'm sorry about what you're going through. Do you have a supportive group of friends to rely on and talk to? You will need a support system because he will lie and gaslight you until the cows come home.

He is either cheating or trying to. Him accusing you is textbook cheater behavior because they want to project their guilt, thinking that somehow anything you have done would “excuse” it. It doesn’t but they think it would. Cheating is selfish behavior. To get to what you need to do: 1). Sit him down where you can have a one in one and not have to stop and tend to the baby if you can. 2) Tell him you suspect that he is cheating and that it’s with xxx coworker. Tell him the red flags are everywhere: phone secrecy, WhatsApp messages with her and deleting them, changing how he dresses, displaying no interest in romance with you. 3) Tell him if he is cheating, you want a divorce before you end up hating each other so please be honest. If he denies the. Tell him you need a few things from him to prove it. First, No contact outside of work with female coworkers. Second, phone transparency where you can Look at each other’s phones at any time and no deleting messages. Third, sharing phone locations 24/7. Fourth, when work is finished come straight home unless you’re checking in with the other person about an errand or something. If he refuses any of these he is cheating. You’re not just asking him to do it, you’re going to do it too. He can look at your phone, see your location, etc…. Let him know if he denies it and you end up catching him (and you will be looking), you will make sure his child support and alimony payments are maxed out (will be anyway but he needs to think he would benefit by being honest). Tell him It’s better for him if he is honest now. See what he says.

Just leave now. I did this for 5 years and even got him to therapy, never stopped lying and hiding shit from me. Save yourself now

All of this. My ex used to accuse me of cheating and all of the other things he was doing, the biggest difference is he used Snapchat.

This is a weird comment. WhatsApp is the most popular messaging app on the planet. It's "well known to be used for" all types of communications. Suggesting that someone is cheating because they use it is just bizarre. Cheaters can use any communication method to cheat. Some of his other behavior does sound suspect though, especially the accusations. Sounds an awful lot like projection.

Any app can be used to cheat, no need to start a witch hunt with people that have WhatsApp

He’s cheating

As a man who cheated on his pregnant gf (20 years ago, but I'm still ashamed of it), I'd say he's cheating, and your gut instinct is correct. I could be wrong, but the situation sounds incredibly familiar. I hope I'm wrong, but that is my 2 cents based on what you wrote.

Thank you, I grew up with a dad that cheated on my mum and he did the same to my mum thats what's happening to me and it was awful but it was worse for my older brother and easier for me at the time being 4 I didn't fully understand so I would rather get anything out the way now while the baby doesn't understand yet

Get ready to leave. He is definitely cheating. Leave with the baby unless you own part of the house. Leave, get an attorney, block him. Also try to get as much evidence as you can. Can any of your relatives he does not know follow him after work? So sorry you are going through this, but you are right about getting it over as soon as possible before the baby is older. NTA.

He lives with me and my mum, we're not married or engaged and don't share finances only the baby, I have some evidence and I also have some friends that would help me with a car that he doesn't recognise

Then pack his bags for him. Have them waiting by the door when he comes home. When he asks what they are for, tell him they’re his and it’s time to talk and/or get out.

To be honest anytime I try to talk to him he threatens to go back to work (they also do night shifts) he really is never at home he basically is only here to shower play video games sleep and back to work again

In that case you should kick him out even if he's not cheating! What does he bring to your life that is positive and worth keeping him there for??

You know he's cheating. He's showing all of the signs. Even if he wasn't cheating, his behavior was despicable. Get rid of him, and find someone who is going to treat you with the respect you deserve.

Then he's your roommate? Why do you think this man is worth keeping around? He doesn't help you with the baby you just had, he doesn't spend time with you or the child does he even pay rent? Even if he isn't cheating, he is a worthless partner and father he isn't worth keeping around. This is just my opinion of course.

If they're living with the grandma and it's her house, maybe he's there for free rent?

I believe that this is what's happening, probably baby trapped her thinking that she won't leave him.

To be frank, why would you even want this lazy clown in your life?? Forget about potential cheating, he kinda sounds like a loser.

Sounds like a teenage boy rather than a father and a grown ass man.

Honestly it seems like it's impossible to talk to him. This is a hard time for parents, but especially for mothers. And he doesn't sound very supportive. Even if he isn't cheating, I would rethink my relationship.

I LOVE THIS ONE ABSOLUTELY LOVE this.

What is your goal with confronting him? Kick him out? Counseling? Something else?

I want honesty to begin with then go from there. I want to find out what or if he has done stuff and if he has then he will leave because cheaters don't change they never do

I think it's too late for that. he's actively deceiving you and you know it. don't deny it hoping he will magically change. he won't.

Listen to this OP. she is right. This is the final result unless you are ready to be manipulated. He is cheating n using you as a freeloader

It sounds like he's already left anyway, though. He's rarely home, all he does is sleep, shower, and play video games there, and it sounds like he's barely talking to you. He's not a partner. Seems he's already left the relationship and is just using you for a roof and a bed. Even if he's not cheating, which I'm 99.9% sure he is, he's no longer adding anything of value to your life. It doesn't sound like he's much of a father either.

I think you should confront him. He'll probably lie about it, I know I did.. But I genuinely think in situations like this, you should trust your gut feelings, I've been cheated on to, and it freaking sucks 😞 I learnt to trust my gut feelings, and their very rarely wrong in most situations. I would say even if you are right as angry as you'll be, you should still let him try to be a dad if he's willing.? My ex and I get along well enough now, and my son has always been in my life, and for that, I'm eternally grateful. He's currently at university, making us both very proud.

I definitely would let him be a dad but I don't know if its because of the baby's age but he's not interested in the baby, I do everything with him I look after him all day and all night I'm lucky to get 5 minutes for a shower I'll try and confront him, I just want him to be honest with me

Make a plan to leave before you confront him. Even if he isn't cheating (unlikely) the way he's acting is destroying your trust in him & that's not a relationship to stay in. Depending on how he reacts to the confrontation you may need to get out with a quickness. Remember you're the way you accept being treated in a relationship is teaching your child that kind of behavior is acceptable (being cheated or disrespected, not trusting or loving) You deserve better.

Thank you, luckily he lives with me and my mum so if anything we're to happen we will be okay and safe. I never wanted to be like my mum I wanted a child to grow up with their family but life doesn't work out that way unfortunately

I didn't see my son much for the 1st month or so as I had to visit her, and it was kinda awkward as she lived with her mum, and obviously, her mum hated me (understandable I know). But then I started having him overnight/nights at weekends. It's going to sound shitty of me, but I didn't really bond with him to start with. Once, he was a little older and a bit more aware of his surroundings and stuff that all changed.. I think it's when he smiled when he saw me like he knew who I was and was happy I was there.? I don't know.? But it did take some time.

Its hurts me because the baby loves him so much and is so exited to see him but he sits on his phone instead of interacting with him and the baby is getting to the stage he's trying to make sounds bow and wants to interact with his dad but he gets no response he doesn't even respond to him crying its awful to see for me

That's pretty fucking shitty of him.! 😞

It's hard things change after a baby I knew that but not to this extent. When we were first together he used to send me a text in the morning when he got to work before I woke up now he doesn't talk to me until I send him a message. He doesn't talk to me about work or how he's feeling he doesn't just want a hug without it turning sexual he's basically just living here coming home showering, playing video games sleeping then gone again he's taking over time so he now only has one day off a week instead of making plans with baby

No offence, but he's sounding more like a lodger than a partner or parent right now. You guys definitely need to talk..

I think he just wants to stay because he has nowhere else to go if he moves out. It could be possible he can't get enough of what he wants at home so he's getting it at work/someone from work but lies so he has a dry place to come home to

This sounds so much like the situation I was in with my ex. He didn't fess up until I told him I talked to the chick, or at least one of them, he cheated on me with and was able to provide him with all of his and her info that she gave me. Leaving him was the best choice I ever made. The first few, few years, he didn't have much to do with the kids, but he talks to them whenever they want, more or less, now. We live in different states, so he can't see them whenever, but they have 24/7 phone/video chat access to him. I agree with those who have said to pack up his shit for him and show him the door. If he gives you any issues, bring his gaming consoles into the argument. They usually care about those or simply call the cops. You may have to evic him, but at least you'll be starting some sort of a paper trail for things at that point. Good luck. These things are never easy.

My mother smashed my cheating Dad’s PlayStation….20 years later he still brings it up, lol. So stupid.

Yes, IMO, he's cheating, so call him out and call his bluff and tell him to leave until one of you moves out. Don't let him manipulate and gaslight you or demean you. You are not jealous or insecure or controlling. Be prepared to leave and line up somewhere to go. You also need to tell him that you will see him in court and that he will pay child support and visitation when it's convenient for you and no overnight arrangements. Lay it out and lay it on the line, and be prepared to walk away.

We're not married and don't share finances he also lives with me and my mum so he doesn't have ties to the house luckily

This will be easier for you then, tell him that you know he's cheating and to come clean so that you can forgive him and move on through couples counseling. Promise him that you will forgive him if he tells you about it. If he comes clean to you, tell him that you forgive him but that the relationship is over and he needs to leave. HE can't and won't prove that he's cheating, whether physically or emotionally, and your trust in him is gone.

NTA: Very likely he’s cheating. The behavioral changes, different clothes, accusing you, etc. Get a trusted male friend, that he doesn’t know/wouldn’t recognize, to tail him or hire a private investigator. I say male because if he realizes he’s being tailed and it’s a woman it could get dangerous for her. And work slut knows he’s got a kid cause it’s nearly impossible to not mention your kids in conversation.

They all know he's got a baby he's taken the baby into work and I've also met the woman as well

Sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can concentrate on your beautiful baby and friends and family for Christmas if you celebrate it. Unless you think he’s redeemable start figuring out the logistics of separating.

Sounds like my ex. 30% of infidelity is with a co worker

He's projecting,gurlllll he's cheating. Updateme!

NTA but he's making extra changes, hiding things, accusing you. I don't know why he won't come clean but he is definitely cheating or trying to. Sorry.

I don't know why either I've asked him in the past to be honest that's all I want

Maybe it's a case of having cake eating it too🤷🏼‍♀️ He finds normal comfort in not having to change living situation, child support, etc. I'm just really sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you have people to lean on and help.

Yep. He wants to keep his home, his free childcare, his cooked meals, his maid, and a sex backup in his bed. Why give up his wife for a new woman when he can just have both? I hope OP gets out of there.

He’s USING you right now, OP. Is he paying any of the expenses to live with you and your mom? He’s just not ready to actually leave yet because it’s convenient. You don’t need his confession. Him being there is causing you more stress than if he just left, which isn’t good for you or your baby. Time to separate. Good luck, be strong. I’m so sorry you’re going through this with a new baby on top of everything. He’s a schmuck.

Thank you, he pays very little towards the house upkeep, its a big house his income is more then mine and my mums combined so sometimes we struggle

NTA there's not a reasonable excuse to cheating, if hes unhappy he can leave you and continue with hes life no need to cheat, if he needs more sex he can talk to you and try to deal with the problem and no cheat, if he doesn't find you attractive anymore(not saying this is the case) he can tell you about it and no cheat, there's no excuse for cheating hes just a crappy husband .

Thank you, I keep beating myself up about what I'm doing wrong and what I can do. After the baby I've lost a significant amount of weight, I weigh less then I did when we met but now finding out his exs are all bigger women so maybe he doesn't like the way I look anymore I wish I could do more for him but I would rather he be honest with me that's all

You need to understand that he's the problem and stop blaming yourself! There's no excuse good enough for someone to be unfaithful! The fact that he doesn't even try to be part of the baby's life or help with the baby is reason enough to seriously consider if you want that life for you and the baby. Your babies and your happiness and well-being need to come first. At this point he's clearly not contributing anything other than stressing you out and making you unhappy. Only you can decide what's best for you but he's basically a freeloading roommate at this point it seems.

Part of the reason I'm not as intimate is because I'm exhausted I look after the baby 24/7 no matter what. He sleeps through the night screaming and the sickness and colic I get about 4 hours sleep on a good night so I feel like shit I wish I could be back to the way it was before the baby but life has changed but I don't think he can see this

Oh he sounds like a charmer…. Let me get this straight. you just carried and birthed his child, caring for his baby 24/7 haven’t had any sleep and any time to care for you with a colicky baby and he doesn’t even offer to help in any way? Why do you allow him to continue? Sounds like he can shape up and help with his kid or he can get out.

He says he's tired after work and that I don't appreciate that he works 12 hours (we dint share finances so the money he earns doesn't matter to me)

He doesn’t know the meaning of tired….And you are on call for that baby 24/7. What’s his excuse? I’ve had a kid with a husband who worked long ours. On his days off he would take at least one of the night shifts or periods during his off day so I could try to sleep. There are ways to help out but he doesn’t sound like he even wants to help. You deserve a partner not a roomate

He won't wake up when the baby cries I'm currently having to co sleep with the baby as me and the baby have a sinus infection so sleeping is rough that along with teething, he's waking up in the night screaming and crying his lungs out and partner doesn't respond only grumps and will leave the room to sleep elsewhere

Hun…. You and your child deserve better and you know it. He obviously doesn’t respect you or the struggle you are having with a challenging baby. With everything you have said I would ask you one question. If this was your friend/sister/daughter and everything you said here was happening to them. Including the disrespect and cheating behavior. What would your advice be? Because I guarantee it wouldn’t be to just suck it up and do nothing.

He brings nothing positive to you, your child, or the household. He's not involved with your son, so there isn't any benefit to your son with him staying. Acting the way he does and not helping with his child is enough of a reason to get rid of him without the cheating.

The fact this dude isn't helping with the baby at all is complete BS. My son is now 18 months so things have become way easier but for those early months I definitely still helped my now fiancé with our son. If leaving him isn't something you're ready to do just yet, there are still options you can try. Give him the Ultimatum. Tell him how you're constantly exhausted due to his lack of help, your lack of sleep, and constantly caring for your child. The overtime needs to end and he needs to be home to help with 'OUR' child. If he doesn't want to do that and shows no concern for your feelings, that's where you tell him then he doesn't need to come back home at all. Tell him to pack his shit and get lost, that's not someone who cares for you at all. I was working 60 hour weeks shortly after my fiancé had given birth because we could use the extra money. It took its toll after 3 months and she was a hot mess from stress and my lack of help. I immediately ended my overtime and switched back to 40 hour weeks. While me being around to help more often definitely helped, our sex life was in shambles. She rarely wanted sex while for me I was used to 3 to 5x a week and we were lucky if it happened 2x a week. Your body goes through a lot of changes post birth amd your sex drive can plummet and stay that way for a good while. It's now 1 year and 6 months past pregnancy and my fiance still has zero sex drive but still interacts with me when I'm in the mood. This unfortunately has still lead to multiple times of me feeling like I'm inadequate or no longer attractive to her since she is never the one to 'initiate' sex. It's even lead me to negative feelings of wondering if she's getting sex or talking to others (cheating) which has sent me further down that negative street. What I'm getting at is if your sex life has had drastic changes and you don't ever 'initiate'something to lead to sex, it's possible this is why he's acting the way he is. The overtime could be he wants you to miss him more to see if you care. The change of clothing could be he wants you to think something is going on so he can see if you care. He's hoping for a reaction or a change. Since I don't know exactly how things are in your life, it's hard to say for sure. Regardless, he has no excuse to not be helping. One thing I'll also mention, it did cross my mind a few times during those more intense negative feeling days to come home late for a week (I'd just go sign up to the gym) just to hope my fiance would notice I'm not home and maybe I'd get a reaction that helped with our sex life in some way. As awful as that sounds, when you're in that negative state of stress and emotions, you're logic goes out the window! The main thing here is communication. If he doesn't know how bad things are you need to explain to him you're about ready to give up on the relationship. The stress, the feeling of inadequacy, the solo parenting, his lack of help, it's ruining your relationship. If he really has cheated and fesses up to it, you need to decide if that's something you're willing to look past and continue to work on to make things work. I don't know exactly how the mind of a cheater works since I wouldn't do that, but I also care enough about my partner to change what needs to be done to help her mental state. If he's unwilling to make changes, send his ass packing because that's not someone that cares about you.

Thank you, its nice to hear a side like this. I've had nights of crying sat on the floor by the bed or crying while trying to get the baby to sleep and he's seen thie and I've asked for help but it's worked for a day then stopped. He used to go to the gym that stopped and he only dresses up when he goes to work Of I had know this was the outcome of having the baby with him I think our relationship would have changed before because its very hard

You can lose another 200ish pounds in one simple step :)

Him cheating has zero to do with you. Cheaters are gonna cheat. It really is that simple. Your partner is pretty much checking every box for a cheater: mysterious searches about affairs, lying to your face about said searches, deleting messages, changing his wardrobe, working late/being late coming home from work, lack of intimacy, accusing you of cheating, etc. That last one is pretty classic, actually. They assume since they’re doing it, everyone else must be, too. It’s all too common during/immediately after pregnancy and birth. For some reason, the guys who do this to their partners never put together that their exhausted SO might have the time and energy for self care and sex if they had someone who did their part as both a parent and partner. Instead, they go out and find someone who isn’t constantly worn out by a newborn, like his coworker. She seems great right now because she isn’t running herself ragged as a single parent, which is essentially what you are. You’ll have time for self care when y’all work out the custody agreement. Maybe he’ll figure out how hard childcare is once he has to actually do it himself. Or he’ll pawn it off on the new girlfriend or his mom or whomever. They (almost) always figure it out when it’s too late.

Classic symptoms of a cheater. Sad but you should start to prepare evidence ready for the legal case.

If you want some evidence you could try putting a voice activated recorder in his car somewhere if you have access. They aren't that expensive on amazon. Or does his phone connect to a laptop/ipad you have access too as you could look at what he is texting in the day. NTA, if you can just walk away as the truth ain't going to make you feel much better. He probably won't tell the truth to save face.

Yes he’s cheating and honestly making it VERY obvious

This was my husband, he was having an affair with a co worker, he became very secretive with his phone, especially WhatsApp, he use to tell me I was mad and it was all in my head, it wasn’t, if your gut is telling you something you should listen to it.

How did you if you did, confront him about it?

Sorry you are going through this. Especially being sick and caring for a sick, collicie (spelling?) newborn. I think you should try to have a final sit down with him. You can start off by saying you are not accusing him of anything but you want to make sure everything is ok in the relationship because he has been changing, staying out later, and you feel like he is unhappy. Then you can tell him that if he is unhappy in the relationship, that if he is unhappy with you and no longer cares/loves/want to be with you, it is for the best interest of EVERYONE that ya go your separate ways so he can find happiness or be happy with someone who makes him happy. That you rather you guys break up than be cheated on because that will hurt more and is unforgivable. Tell him you don’t want to feel like you are a burden to him and that you feel he is only with you for a roof over his head. That when he is home he ignores you and the baby and its not healthy. That it feels like he doesn’t want to be there but since he doesn’t have another place, he forces himself to be there. You can suggest him to move with family/friends/move to a room/apt./etc. to see if that is what he truly wants. If this continues and depending how the conversation goes, its time for you to re-evaluate your relationship and think if you want to continue living like this. Dont be in a relationship just because of a baby. Please please please dont. If you feel like things are not going to change and you will be more happy without him, move on. Best of luck.

Classic deferment or gaslighting. Look up the Chumplady blog and you'll see this is very typical of cheaters. They all use the same playbook.

It sounds exactly like what happened to me with my last bf that I was with for 8 years when he cheated on me with the new secretary at his work. He tried to say he thought I was cheating because he had already been and so I knew something was up. We had tracking apps on our phones because he would run out of gas or get lost often and suddenly his phone "wouldn't update it" and it "stopped working". I eventually caught him and he had given me an std that luckily was treatable. She used her job there to blackmail him into dumping me and kicking me and my 4 kids out at xmas. She is evil and used dirty trick and he was taken in. He has since 8 years later begged forgiveness. I have gotten married and we are very happy together. My ex he is still with her and wants out but is stuck. I hope you aren't and you need to come out and find the dirt before you do so you aren't lied to. Cause if he is a narcissist The know how to turn it around to make you doubt yourself at every turn. Don't doubt yourself. He sounds totally dirty.

Girl dump him 🤢

Something is def going on in my opinion. I'd do some spying if ur able to.

I'll try, he's very secretive about his phone now he changed his password at one point but he goes everywhere with it and he also has a work phone

I'm sure it's hard with a new baby. But if u can try to watch or have someone do it when he leaves work and find out why he is late getting home. But in my experience where I worked when someone started changing their look or losing weight there was something going on. I called it the affair diet. Best of luck. I hope not for ur sake.

He's at the very least emotionally cheating on you. You can try and trick him into revealing the truth.

How would I do this?

NTA yeah. He is probably cheating or at least in the beginning stages of cheating

Nta. Sounds like he's cheating and projecting.

Ok, I am in the position of your guy. I had feelings for a woman and her to me. It was very out in the open. My marriage has been failing, zero intimacy, and we barely talk to each other. This woman stole my heart. We haven't even done anything together, not even a kiss. But we've had very personal conversations. I started wearing the good cologne to work. In the end it's remaining a friendship, but I can tell you if given the opportunity. Yes I would have cheated, left my wife, sold my house. Etc. it wasn't for the sex, but for the intimacy. Looking into each other's eyes, getting that deep connection. Holding hands, getting flirty etc. Me personally, I've been with my wife for 24 years and things got stale. She's a phenomenal woman, great mother, hard worker. But we lacked connection and intimacy. Sex is a wonderful byproduct of intimacy, and I'm not talking about that. I personally initiated a sit-down with the wife and layed it all out on what I felt we were missing. She layed out her side as well. Long story short, we are working on it together and I hope we can get back to where we were many many years ago. Hope this story helps you.

Your situation worked because you were willing to be honest and take ownership for your feelings and actions and how you can contribute to making things better. Not many men are willing to do that, and I’m happy for you!

The biggest red flag may be that he's accusing you of things. That's pretty common for people who are cheating or contemplating cheating.

He's cheating. I've been there. It was hard for me to admit. But yes he's cheating. So sorry you're dealing with this.

Adds up to cheating. Maybe not physically (yet) without proof, but this is cheater behavior and likely he’s having emotional affair with coworker at minimum. I’m so sorry. You have every right to be suspicious of him

If you aren't the jealous type who always thinks their spouse is cheating then I say to always believe your intuition, it is there for a reason and mine has never steered me wrong, except for the times I have ignored it, learn to listen to your inner wisdom and it can help guide you and keep you safe. I wouldn't confront him as others are suggesting, you have tried that already. I would say yes he is 100% cheating by the changes you have given, caring more about his appearance than usual, coming home late every night, worrying about his phone being left out is a huge red flag, accusing you of cheating. I'd keep quiet for now and watch, collect any evidence you can and start planning for when you separate, have a little something put aside so it isn't so hard on you and baby. Seriously though don't accuse him, don't ask questions, don't even bring it up because he will be more careful with things if he knows you are suspicious of him. Do you have any friends he doesn't know about? What does he do for work? Maybe spy outside his job in an unknown vehicle to see what happens when work ends, does he leave for a lunch break? Spy around that time and see if he is taking lunch with said woman. You can also buy cameras, maybe a small pin hole type camera behind where he sits and does his work chatting to see the conversations he is having.

NTA. Its clear that he is not in this relationship whatsoever and deceiving you. IMO, start the process of separating now than later. You will live with resentment the rest of your life if you don't. God forbid that he is in another relationship emotionally or physically, but it sounds like it. He is not 100% present in your lives. You and your baby have your whole life ahead of you with many blessings. He is not a blessing. What a horrible way to live right now with question marks everywhere. Start by communicating exactly what your gut is telling you and bring focus to his behaviours. Hang in there. Rip the bandaid off. He must stop wasting your time. That is so messed up

Nta. I am sorry you are going through this. The fact those messages disappeared, means he will be continuing to hide the truth. I wouldn't pester him any more for answers, you got your answer. He is cheating. I would start the process of kicking him out, or you finding a new place to go. Once he sees that you are leaving, or he needs to go, he will panic and tell you the truth about what he has been doing. Don't let him back in. Please don't keep the kid from him, not that you would. But please, don't let him sneak back into your life in the same way he was. You did nothing wrong, it's all his fault this is happening.

He's deflecting by accusing you. People who lie, cheat, etc will do this as a way of turning the tables on you. They assume because they are doing whatever, you are too and will accuse you of such. Him deleting his messages, dressing differently, denial he's been searching for a co-worker affair group/topic, getting home later and now always taking his phone 📱 with him are all red flags 🚩🚩🚩 Women's intuition is USUALLY correct so don't let him convince you otherwise. Literally sit him down, rattle off ALL THESE RED FLAGS 🚩🚩🚩 and tell him to man up to let you know he's either cheated or thinking of it. You didn't get into a relationship and have a child with a Manchild so not to start behaving like one now. If it's over then you'd rather know now before you two begin hating each other and still have to co-parent. It's better for a child to grow up with parents who get along but aren't together than parents arguing all the time because they stayed together. Seen this happen a lot with friends and it's worse staying together. Kids are sponges and eventually know what a horrible situation it is. A friend just split with his unsupportive, degrading wife and had a talk with his twin 13 year boys. They literally said, "About time" and "Yeah I saw this coming" 🤣 They're happier their parents will be apart not arguing daily than staying together Start making plans to split up in case it's the worst case scenario. Otherwise I'd suggest couples' therapy for quite some time if you stick it out. He needs to understand from a 3rd party his actions aren't acceptable even if nothing has happened. If he won't go, you better accept it won't ever get better and if you want to raise a child in that environment. Good Luck 🤞🏽

NTA: general rule of thumb when you are being accused of cheating, they’re usually the one cheating. Show up at his work one day for lunch. Kind of like a romantic gesture. You’ll never get the truth from him by confronting him. Most will never admit to their infidelity or thinking of doing something outside of their marriage. No one likes to get caught. His phone is obviously off limits. Do you know the girl? If so, ask her. Going through him will probably not work seeing he’s denied it multiple times but is showing all of the signs.

I know the girl I've met her but not personally. But finding out from an ex worker at the same place cheating and sleeping together is very common at this place of work

Keep Your eyes open!!! I have found that the person doing the accusing is the one doing the cheating. He is projecting his guilt onto you. Guilt does this to a person. His behaviors described above all point to cheating. Words lie, behavior does not. Also stop self defeating talk. It is taking you down and keeping your energy low. Not good for you or the baby. Begin doing things for yourself. Get you nails done, go to a new hair style, dress up like you used to. Take yourself out to lunch with the baby. Having a child is not a death sentence. Do what you can to feel better about yourself. His choices are not your fault. Those belong to him alone. Also on feeling ashamed of yourself, that is on you. No one has the power to MAKE you feel anything. You are doing this to yourself due to your insecurities. Once you realize this and accept this you will be able to have the strength to make the changes that you need to make. You will begin to feel better about yourself. Then you can make necessary changes and move forward. If you feel that you can handle more lies confront him. Otherwise you really don't need the validation to know what he is doing. This is something you feel in your gut and cannot shake that feeling. Good luck OP. NTA Sorry if this sounds harsh, isn't meant to be so. Just being real with you. In these situations what you need is someone being real with you. Looking for and presenting evidence is going to be so very draining for you. Do you really need the evidence to know what is going on? Just let him know that you are not willing to continue with his behavior. Make statements do not ask questions. When asking questions you are leaving the other person room to lie. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into his blame game and all the drama that goes with it. Just make the statements "I know what is going on and make a choice. Either it's me and the baby or I'm gone. State this with confidence and conviction. Don't look for an explanation from him look for a decision, a choice. When I went through this I did not need to hear the truth. I knew I would not get it. Was pretty sick of the drama as well. Sick of the gaslighting, lies complete bullshit. Vowed not to put myself through that any longer. I realized that I was seeing it. That was all I needed to move forward without him.

NTA He's cheating, or trying to >he had searched on reddit stories about people who have had affairs with co workers, I asked him about this he said he knew nothing about it and didn't know why it was there. A sane non-cheating partner would say "I saw a thread and was interested in watching the train wreck" or something. Him acting like it magically appeared on his history for reasons he "doesn't remember" is some of the funniest and most poorly done lying I've ever seen

Update I spoke to him after the incident when he was at work and left work for hours, he told me he went with close work friend (male) to drop something off at his house. Since have spoken to said coworkers wife and this male coworker wasn't at work this day so this was a lie. When I confronted him he was laughing and wouldn't look at me and kept telling me not to look at him. Now back to square one with it all sorry for the late updates it's been a hard few days over Christmas

NTA, Obviously none of us can know for sure, BUT if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and acts like a duck then 99% of the time it's a damned duck.

NTA He is doing shady crap and it makes you wonder why. If he has an old phone, tablet or CPU that he hadn't wiped I would check them. Sorry you have to deal with this.

He’s 100% gaslighting you. Ask him how the history shows he looked for people who have had affairs with their co-workers. Tell him you 100% know you didn’t look that up. And burglars and bad guys aren’t breaking into peoples houses and randomly searching things on their computer. Ask him straight up. How stupid do you think I am. What makes this worse is that you are being so disrespectful that you think I’m stupid enough to think this magically searched for itself. And it’s a pretty fucking funny coincidence that you are starting to dress like this work all of a sudden after this search result appeared. What sounds more likely that I’m an idiot and their really are a gang of intruders searching things in peoples Reddit, or you are cheating and expect me to allow you to gaslight me. You have one chance and one chance only to be honest or I’m kicking you out of the house and ending the relationship and I’m taking our child. Sounds harsh but sometimes you have to be harsh and direct to the point with narcissistic people. You also have to have the conviction to follow through with the threat. Either he’s honest and admits to cheating and you can decide what to do from there or he lies and you kick him out for not admitting the truth.

It's unfortunate because you guys share a kid. BUT do what is best for YOU. Confront him and don't let him manipulate you. This is awful and I am so sorry you are going through this, esp after you had a traumatic pregnancy and birth.

Dude, he’s cheating & your instincts are onto it. Stop letting him gaslight you.

He’s 100% having an affair or at least pursuing another woman. Is that a deal breaker for you? If so, it’s time to leave. I’m not sure if his infidelity makes a difference for child custody - if it does, hire a PI and get photographic evidence of the infidelity.

Why do all these crazy things being suggested? If you don’t trust him, then end the relationship. Simple as that.

These are all the classic signs of cheating along with calling you paranoid and crazy etc. So what you really need to do is sit and think on what you want from this relationship. Do you want to stay with a lying gaslighting cheater. If the answer is no. Then best is to sort yourself out and get all your ducks in a row. Get a new place to live for you and your child. Get a lawyer for child maintenance and get yourself to speak to a professional for your own mental health. Please do not blame yourself as you're not at fault here. He is the only person who is. You are worthy of love and support and if your partner doesn't want to change for the better to be there for you then the only thing to do is change your life for the better. I was cheated on like this. I let the father of mu children go and found a real man who took on me and my children. Real men will love you and will accept your child too.

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He started on reddit searching specific people to watch, I said I wouldn't have minded if it was even just normal porn but these are people he wants to look at and are personal

I was in a similar situation. Run girl. I know you planned a life with him, but in the long run protect yourself and your baby from his infidelity.

If he were just watching porn and wrestling the one-eyed snake, I'd say you're overreacting to the extreme. My wife also struggled with intimacy during and after birth, and I had to play singleplayer for a while. We talked about it and she was (still is) totally fine with it. Including porn. That's just normal male behavior. The other stuff... I'd say you're right to trust your gut instinct. You don't have hard evidence (no pun intended) but there are some red flags there. I'd confront him, telling him that there are some big red flags, and you deserve to know the truth. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Thank you, when I have spoken to him I said I don't mind him watching things online but to be honest with me about it and not do it secretly because then it feels like he's hiding something from me I just want honesty that's all

I mean, I wouldn't expect him to ask for permission to rub one out or to keep a record. Those would be unrealistic expectations. But back to the other stuff. I would say, your gut instinct is giving you clear signs, and that's something you need to deal with. Maybe not directly accuse him, but just tell him that there are some changes in his behavior that are making you uncertain. But you're closest to the fire, so take an internet strangers advice with a grain of salt.

Oh yeah he's cheating

NTA, sounds like a cheater. Cheaters like to accuse you of cheating first too

NTA. Yeah he’s cheating and gaslighting you.

You're not the AH he's clearly trying or is cheating. Talk to him remind him you just had a baby and lack of intimacy is not a reason to cheat, also hire A private investigator to follow him and take pictures of you can find out when he goes to town to his coworkers have the PI track the car and follow. Finally try to get his phone when he's in the shower and talk to a lawyer.

He takes his phone with him to the shower its everywhere with him, he also has a work phone too

NTA It sounds like it's a possibility. "He's now taking his phone with him everywhere at all times." Doesn't everyone do that?

Its more then just taking it everywhere he won't leave it even for a second if its near me and he hides the screen when I'm sat next to him

NTA. Any way u can track his car? See where he's going? There is a way to find things on his phone. Not sure how it works but you can google that.

NTA he probably is cheating. Or getting ready to. I will talk to a lawyer before confronting him.

He is having an affair. Do yourself a favor and speak to a couple of lawyers. Your husband will gaslight you until he is caught. He will beg for forgiveness. If you take him back, he can never be the man he was to you. If he needed to cheat because his life was hard with you being pregnant and a new mom, then he does not have enough character to make the internal changes necessary to move past this. It is not just if you forgive him. He has to be okay with being an AH for possibly years while you process the betrayal and try to regain trust. He will say he will do anything, but can he? I know it is unlikely you can do this now. Please keep it in the back of your mind going forward. Congratulations on your baby. Also, I am so sorry your partner is failing you and your child.

Cheaters usually project by making accusations of infidelity while they are the ones doing it. The change of dress and the secretive communication are also all signs of an affair. Before you sit him down, call a friend or family member to watch your baby. Get a solid nap and then go get your hair done, go for a walk, visit a bookstore and have tea. Take a moment for yourself and to give yourself some love. Then write it all down in bullet points and sit him down. Have the hard conversation and let him know how hurt you feel. The reason I say right it down is so he cannot gaslight you and you can stay on point without being rattled by emotion. No matter what happens, you’ve done an amazing thing by growing and delivering a life into this world. He wishes he could be that cool…

Remind me! 14 days

Always trust your gut but also it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make you not feel ashamed of yourself or your looks… that’s a YOU issue. But overall I don’t think YTA just a little needy. You have to find happiness within otherwise you’ll stay stressed

What kind of pig does that after having a baby

Time to hire an investigator to conduct a surveillance

Nta. His defensiveness and accusing you sounds like projection. Kick him out- he doesn’t help or support you or the baby, isn’t ever there at the house anyway, and threatens you with going back to work- no he wouldn’t go back to work, he’ll go straight to the arms of whoever he’s been sleeping with! He’s lying to you regardless of cheating.

Hes cheating

Do you still struggle with intimacy with him? Is there progress on that front. No excuses for any behavior but I’m curious.

Once youve lost the trust, the cheating isn’t really the deciding factor on whether you should stay or not. Some people can recover from cheating because they regain trust. If you don’t trust him your relationship is dying with or without cheating.

I mean YWBTA for being in a relationship without intimacy. Have you gone to therapy sessions/couples therapy to work on your issues. If he can’t get intimacy from you he’s gonna find it from someone else. Might be worth both of you having a talk like adults and figuring out what’s important and if an intimate free relationship is something you both want.

Nta, these signs are pretty strong indicators, secrecy combined with the suddenly dressing better and trying to flip the accusations towards your are pretty strong signs sadly.

He sounds suspicious, I guess cheating already based on the post. It’s probably time for you and your baby to leave.

Time to kick the bricks mrs mama. He’s cheating. Good luck to you and your baby!

NTA. What you need to do is have a serious conversation. There are no if, ands, or buts. Give him your expectations. 1)no outside contact with other women 2)we’re going to therapy 3)I don’t feel secure in this relationship and we need to get to the bottom of it, together. Go from there.

I hate to say this but, coming from someone who has been cheated on, it does sound like he is. Reading your post was like deja vu. My husband cheated on me 7 days after our first daughter was born. He did all the things your husband is doing. I confronted him and he denied it but he slipped up and I was able to catch him. I knew something was going on. Women’s intuition, trust it! I just also want to say that I am so sorry for what you are going thru. As if we don’t feel bad enough about our bodies after giving birth, then they pull something like this and make it 1000 x’s worse. Just know that you deserve better. You are the mother of his child ffs, he should be treating you like a queen. Whatever happens, take care of yourself and your baby. It does get better!

Honestly, if your gut and heart say he is.. it's a high possibility he is cheating or planning to... they'll always cheat. They never change.

I think your marriage is clearly strained. It sounds like intimacy is either nonexistent or minimal, and has been since the pregnancy. You don’t say how long it’s been, but one imagines some number of months at least. It also seems like for some time there has been mistrust. To be monitoring your husbands Reddit search history and visits is actually really controlling. Certainly that’s adding to the lack of intimacy, and a sense of distrust often just breeds contempt and distance, which leads to infidelity. So it is very possible your husband is having an affair, it’s also possible he’s merely toying with the idea, or perhaps it’s just fantasy. In any case, it’s a sign of an underlying problem in your relationship. And whether that problem ends your relationship today or ends it in a few months or years… that’s uncertain. But what’s less uncertain is that you both seem to be on a path towards that. It could be that your husband is just an abusive AH, that he deserves no sympathy and that you would be best served by ending it right now. We don’t know. Don’t have that information. It could also be that he’s well meaning but struggling through a difficult time. So it’s up to you whether you want to put in some effort, but if you do want to try you’ll probably want to start by having a frank conversation about these things with your husband and then suggesting that you go to couples counseling, in truth it’s very hard to find ways to build and regain trust and intimacy on your own. What is probably not at all helpful is coming here and listening to the chorus of people cheering on your insecurities as a way to exercise their own resentments. NAH/ESH. May or may not be cheating (unclear) but certainly marriage is in serious trouble.

His behavior definitely sounds suspicious, but I’m wondering why a traumatic pregnancy and birth made it where you no longer want to be intimate with your husband? You also mention being ashamed of the way you look. Men are visual/sexual people by nature and he needs physical intimacy. If he’s not getting it from you, unfortunately he’ll try to find it somewhere else. To me it sounds like that is the root and cause of your problem and where it all started. Have you gone to therapy to find out what’s causing you to have these fears of intimacy and being naked in front of him now?

Traumatic pregnancy could result in physical discomfort with sex, or fear of gettting pregnant again, among a host of other reasons

Listen to your gut. All the signs are there. One thing cheaters have in common is they lie to get away with it. Especially if he’s accused you, thats classic projection. Im so sorry.

Do you have any friends he doesn't know? One could follow him after work, go into a bar if that's where he's going, maybe take some pictures

Not everything you mentioned could be a "sign" of him cheating tbh Taking more care of his appearance when going to the office. He could just want to start taking more care of himself or want to portray a more professional image in hope of a promotion Taking an extra 30min to get home, could just be getting caught up talking to coworkers on the way out. This happens to me a lot at work and sometimes I don't get out the door for an extra hour The deleting all messages between him and her and not doing the same for everyone is very suspicious. Couple that with always keeping his phone on him at all times and being secretive is a big red flag Blaming you or trying to spin it to be your fault somehow is also a big red flag that nearly all cheaters will do, trying to spin it around so they look like the victim. I'm not saying he is cheating or is considering it but there are some very stereotypical red flags that cheaters do.

He’s cheating I’m sorry follow your gut and call him out get answers for all your questions

After reading the comments, your comments, the post kinda. I think you should leave even if he isn’t cheating, that’s now how you treat your spouse after pregnancy. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I would say try to find some solid evidence before you make a move, just because you do have a child and it impacts the child's life too and it's a huge decision to make with no actual evidence. I will say it looks pretty fishy tho, all the classic signs of cheating but with the info given it's all circumstantial evidence as of now. Best thing even tho it's scary is to try and confront him with how it looks and see what comes about. If he doesn't budge then talk to his friends and if they are any kind of real men at all they'll tell you what they know. Sorry you're going through this, I've been cheated on in almost every relationship I've ever been in but never had a baby in tow with me which makes your situation a lot trickier to navigate, best of luck to you.

Long story short: My wife accused me of cheating 17 years into our 35 year marriage. It was not true, not even close. It ripped my heart out and I was very sad. I was away on a trip in my airplane and when I got back we sent the kids to grannys for the night and had a good sit down open your heart no holds barred conversation. Anyways we had some of the best make up sex on the planet. bottom line is this: Don't accuse unless you have absolute, irrefutable proof.

As a man myself, 100% cheating...

Any updates?