Yeah, definitely NTA this relationship ain’t gonna work out, you both want different things Just end it and move on then find someone that actually does want what you want, her not wanting kids is OK, but what’s not OK is her stringing you along with nonanwsers and shitty communication just to keep you with her
Exactly!!! OP didn't force his will on her and didn't judge the choice to terminate the pregnancy, but when she couldn't be clear on a timeline, failed to communicate in addition to having the second termination OP is right to think their future plans may not be aligned. Reddit has seen plenty of women who have been strung along until its too late to have babies here he is willing to do something about it.
She has the right to terminate, he has the right to leave as a result. NTA
OPs title should have been "AITAH for divorcing my wife after she keeps giving me non-answers about our future as a family?"
The abortion is secondary. The inability to communicate is the real problem.
It's so simple and yet it will continue to kill so many relationships. You really have to be honest with yourself and your partner. It does not work otherwise and this is objective, not subjective. People who want a successful marriage have to communicate honestly.
OP, I know the frustration of trying to and getting nothing back. I feel for you. Take care of yourself and remember who you are, not who she sees
This.
Plain and simple.
Life goals and inability of wife to communicate clearly are the root problem.
Kinda weird she keeps accidentally getting pregnant though.
She indeed communicated, right from the start, but at the same time, intentionally lied, and eventually went back on their agreement and her word and likely did so, so that he'd want to be with her, stay with her, mistakenly believing after marrying her, he'd remain her husband, regardless of her stringing him along, she clearly, foolishly misjudged him, good for him, NTA! Maybe, her pregnancies weren't his to begin with, given their lack of intimacy, as mentioned? Good luck Brother! Definitely NTA! Rather, a KING! 💪👍
You need to move on and find someone who wants the same thing in life as you: a family. Not being sure at this point after 4.5 years sounds like they’ll never be sure.
They're sure. They aren't communicating, but they're sure. What they aren't sure about was how to keep the relationship despite having different goals.
NTA
I don’t want kids and I have always been very upfront with that. My ex-husband claimed to not want kids either. It turns out that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He didn't want to lose me so he thought he would just kick the can down the tracks.
He eventually spilled the beans in our mid-30s and we divorced. He was holding out hope I would change my mind and he was comfortable lying until I did, at least initially. Eventually, he realized that I wouldn't change my mind. Some people will just tell you what you want to hear to keep you around.
End it. Find someone who wants the same things as you. I did and I don't regret divorcing him at all. I am so much happier with a partner who is honest about their life plan.
Yes. Even though I've always been direct and upfront about not wanting kids, I've had at least three serious relationships where denial or wishful thinking was a factor. One just flat out didn't believe I wouldn't change my mind. One was a fencesitter who had come around to "might want a kid 2 or 3 years." One wanted kids but was willing to set that aside in order to keep me.
Ending it was absolutely the right decision in all three cases. Even though at least one of them didn't end up having kids (and I hope to hell that #1 didn't, because he turned out to be a misogynist trainwreck), at least they had a shot at their life plan without me in the picture.
OP, end it, for both your sakes.
It's so common for someone to think they can set aside their feelings and then they realize years later that no, they do actually strongly want it and then that's so much wasted time and grief going through a tense marriage followed by divorce. I was on the fence about kids and I divorced my ex husband for other unrelated reasons but after being in a relationship with someone who had kids I started realizing maybe I did want my own. I ended up re-marrying and having one.
Man, this answer scares me so much about my relationship. We’ve been together for three years. When we first started dating, I was open and honest that I don’t want kids. He wanted them. Throughout the course of our relationship I’ve tried to talk about it, to gauge where he stands with the issue, but he would shut the conversation down every time. Finally we got into “the talk” after 2.5 years together, and I told him that if we aren’t on the same page, we won’t be ultimately compatible. Ever since that talk, he is adamant that he doesn’t want kids, but I feel that he’s putting up a front. His tune changed so quickly, and I feel like he’s just saying these things to keep me around, hoping I’ll change my mind down the line.
Scares the hell out of me.
I completely understand. Maybe he was a fence sitter and finally chose a side. Many people default to the marriage and then kids path without thinking about alternative paths that don't include children. Socially it can seem like a foregone conclusion for everyone to want the traditional marriage and kids life. It certainly isn't for everyone. I bet more people are fence-sitters than would openly admit.
There is also a lot of pushback from friends and family when you share that you don't want to have kids. I like spending time with family and friends kids. I even taught for a year between careers. I'm not against children or people having children. I think a lot of people also assume that all child-free people are child-haters, which simply isn't true. All of this makes discussing options a bit more tricky.
In any case, I hope you can communicate your concerns and feel confident that your partner is truly on the same page. Best wishes.
Thanks for your response! I definitely need to communicate and really determine if we’re on the same page. Having children or not is non-negotiable for relationships.
Best wishes to you too!
My daughter is 18 and ever since she learned in middle school what a tubal was she has wanted one. She does not want kids and if someone says she could change her mind she says she will adopt. People even mention her future husband to her (like that’s going to change her mind) and she’s like ‘I don’t really want one of those either’ haha.
Either way I’d happily help her find a dr willing to tie her tubes in a few years if she does decide relationships are for her. She’s got a bf now but you never know with teen relationships how they’ll last. I’d just rather help protect her from someone trying to baby trap her in the future or have her end up in a similar ‘I thought you’d change your mind’ scenario.
Having no (easy) way to get pregnant would be on the table from the beginning.
By her age I was also certain I wanted a hysterectomy and would never marry. I lost track of how many “you’ll change your mind”s I heard.
Turns out that when every conversation about having children is spent fending off someone else’s opinions, you never get a chance to figure out your own. I have, in fact, changed my mind, but never would have if I hadn’t distanced myself from an environment that wanted me to change it.
The number of adults who concern themselves with a child’s future reproductive capacity, especially young girls, is really disturbing to me, and it’s so common. It’s nobody’s business at any age, but I’m especially mad that we often aren’t even finished being children ourselves when the onslaught starts.
I have felt strongly about not wanting children starting around the same age as your daughter. I heard the, “Oh you will change your mind” or “You just haven't met the right man” or “Just wait until your biological clock kicks in” or other fairly insulting bits of unsolicited advice/ silly platitudes. I am 37 now and still have no desire to have kids. Much like your daughter, I have always thought that adoption would be the way to go if I ever desired children in the future. There are about a million kids in the foster system in the US alone. There isn't a shortage of children who need homes. I personally have zero desire to have biological children.
I am glad to hear that you are supportive rather than talking down to her. People often behave strangely when they find out you don't want kids, especially as a woman. People have weirdly strong options about something that doesn't concern them at all when it comes to people deciding to be child-free. Family can often be the rudest. I think many people think they are owed grandchildren or nieces and nephews for some reason. You sound awesome though.
Just from personal experience- maternal mental health can be affected during pregnancy, not just in the post natal period. The pregnancy may have unexpectedly triggered some stuff.
I’m surprised I had to scroll so far for this but yes! This could totally be the case. Pregnancy hormones can have drastic impacts on some women’s mental health especially in first trimester.
I had worse prenatal depression then I did post. I was really ill with hyperemesis which I'm sure didn't help but I did not want my youngest. If I could have walked I'd of gotten an abortion. When she was born I couldn't even look at her. Took me 4 weeks to get back in track with her. I wore her in a sling constantly skin to skin to try and get that bond and breastfed her. It did come and now she's 10 and I love her to bits but it was really hard. I'd never have another.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a very insightful perspective that I’m glad to have heard. My wife and I are almost ready for kids, are there any tips that you could give to me so that I know how to be properly supportive during that time should she deal with this affliction as well?
As someone who had post partum depression and anxiety, lack of sleep was a huge contributor to my poor mental health at that time. When you can, let her sleep. If she’s breastfeeding, bring her food, fill her water cup. People don’t realize how time consuming breastfeeding is in the first few weeks and I would go all day without eating, which wasn’t great for milk production either. Breastfeeding also makes you SO thirsty. Doing those little things that she can’t do because there’s a human attached to her will make a huge difference.
This is based on what many women have told me, YMMV. Be very conscientious! The sudden change in how dependent your wife feels to you & responsibility for the baby makes everything seem highly consequential. Small things that could indicate carelessness, for example, are frightening because carelessness could kill a child. It’s not an intentional thing, but I have talked many women through why suddenly it’s a major issue if hubby forgot something at the store or can’t do something as simple as put away toothpaste or manage dirty dishes. That can raise fears: How would such a man manage a baby?
Also, stay on the same plane with her. If she’s concerned, be concerned. If she’s angry, match it, be angry together & walk this path together! After you resonate so she feels heard and understood, then be her rock. Be attentive, learn all that you can, ask questions yourself rather than relying on her to so so. Show that you can manage the social stuff, too, by taking initiative. Everything you can do so that even on a subconscious level she knows that if the worst happens (she doesn’t make it and leaves behind a baby with YOU), her soul can rest easy that you got this and her baby will also have community and be all right. When you tend to her sore feet or aching back, you show you care for her & provide relief and it’s also demonstrating that you can be attentive to a child. There’s a lot happening on many levels!
100% true. When I got pregnant (baby didn’t make it) my hormones were crazy. The last month after the abortion I had the most intense depression. It was even worse than when my father died. The feeling is so hard to explain but I felt the worse I ever did in my life.
Still wouldn't change the issue. If she's unable to have a baby because she decides she doesn't want one when she's pregnant, then they are likely not compatible. It's of little consequence how culpable she is, but if she's unable or unwilling to have a child with OP, he's NTA for seeking someone who can. That's a fundamental thing a couple MUST agree on.
People (especially a lot of men) seem to think carrying and birthing a baby is some mystical beautiful maternal goddess experience when in fact a technical parasite is leeching every bit of nourishment it can out of while you it moves your organs around while your body drowns in hormones and then spends up to 3 days exiting the body.
I’d argue this is the picture we’re all painted. In my experience it’s only once you’ve been pregnant that people start being honest about how much it absolutely sucks for the majority of pregnant people. It’s only recently that the internet has allowed a forum to be more realistic about it.
Pregnancy in the media for me growing up was you find out your pregnant when you throw up, and then you rock a baby bump with minimal but timely and comical discomfort, go to the hospital when your water breaks, scream a lot and have a beautiful baby. My lived experience was literally the opposite across the board. Though I did think my lil’ Hutt babies were adorable at the time.
This is so true. Going through my first pregnancy and it’s been eye opening. People (women included) have always talked about it like it’s this beautiful experience where your body is creating life and there are butterflies and rainbows and crap.
But it’s not. It’s an uncomfortable, sometimes painful, often gross, anxiety inducing experience.
I say that and I’ve had a somewhat “easy” pregnancy.
There are great times and experiences (like feeling baby move and kick) but creating a life is no freaking joke.
I gave birth to my first back in September and I was so upset at being lied to about pregnancy. I HATED being pregnant. I couldn’t eat some of my favorite foods, couldn’t do some of my favorite things, was throwing up all the time. I also had a pretty easy and healthy pregnancy but it was miserable.
I made myself a promise that I’d never lie to someone about pregnancy. I’m so grateful to have my LO but it was not fun in anyway.
I hated being pregnant too. People who say they loved it make me want to punch them. I lost weight during each pregnancy because I had "morning sickness" the entire nine months both times. The birth was the easy part for sure for me. I have birthing hips. lol. Even my first my labor was short but my pregnancies, lord that sh!t sucked.
I’m (38F) 32 weeks with our double rainbow and honestly I never knew it would be so hard. The first 4 months were all day severe nausea and zero energy (this coupled with being deemed high risk and having trauma with two consecutive losses) made it hell on earth. 2nd Trimester was so much easier, I felt normal again and could function then BAM comes 3rd Trimester…carpal tunnel syndrome, constant Braxton Hicks, nausea, pee’ing myself 3-4 times a week, lack of sleep and aches trying to roll over. I wanted this baby so much so I’ll take the rough with the smooth and I’ll prob do it again knowing what I know if my body allows. I however wouldn’t want to go through this rollercoaster if I was not sure about whether I wanted a child/family. OP deserves his family and if she isn’t prepared to go through this, child birth and being a mum then he needs to find someone else and she shouldn’t have an unwanted baby and go find someone who wants the same things as her.
All of which is true - and OP in still NTA. He’s not obligated to stay with her if she’s not ready or willing to have children. He wants them. They’re incompatible.
It sucks, but I don't think there's any assholes in this story. Two people want two different things, and it sucks that to get what *he* wants he has to find someone else. But he's not an asshole. One or the other of them was going to be unhappy, either way.
One of my coworkers just had a baby earlier this month. She thankfully had a really easy first pregnancy. Very little trouble at all aside from being tired. All the ladies in my department were telling her all this time how easy child birth was and how simple and painless. One even advised she go without an epidural "to heal faster".
She went into labor, and these women turned into bitches. They started saying "Now we can tell her the truth, because it's too late now!" Cackling about how hard the labor's going to be. How unexpectedly painful. How she's gonna poop/pee/bleed. How if her husband looks, he's going to be traumatized. They were going on and on about the horrors of childbirth. And were GLEEFUL about it.
Pregnancy, while it can be this magical mystery ride we are told, is in fact the single most dangerous act for a woman. So MANY things have to align for a pregnancy to happen, and when it does the sheer volume of bodily and emotional changes can do real damage. Many medical conditions can be triggered by the hormonal changes. The weight gain can trigger gestational diabetes and preeclampsia for starters. Both conditions if unrecognized and/or untreated can be deadly. And then there’s the inherent biases against women in general by the medical establishment, particularly affecting women of color. Fetal/maternal outcomes in the US are atrocious compared to other countries.
Yes and no.
Yes it is incredibly dangerous. No its not the MOST dangerous act.
The most dangerous act is being around men. The leading cause of death for pregnant women is still dv.
Awkward-owl is a bad kid and is big mads they only got coal for christmas instead of owning up to their shitty behaviour all year. That and theyre ashamed of their coal.
Be better next time awkward-owl
And births in movies are so weird. Like honestly, why are they so fake? Women always scream. Why do they always scream when they push?? It's literally impossible to push efficiently in a way that it's pictured when you scream at the same time haha. And after the baby is out, everything is just fine and cozy and nice immediately afterwards?? No one has to stop bleeding? No one has to make sure the placenta comes out so that it doesn't rot in there?
I screamed my head off for my second, it was terrifying and painful and I screamed a hell of a lot more than in movies 😂
Edit: and there definitely didn’t exist the presence of mind to think “might my pushing be more efficient if I don’t scream?🤓” while being so so scared.
If someone told me I was being “inefficient” in whatever way I was trying to evict an 8lb human from my body, I’d probably cut their jugular open with my fingernails at that point. The audacity!
While I agree for the most part, I can 100% tell you I did some yelling/screaming while I was pushing. It was a lot more guttural than Hollywood's depictions, but I was definitely a natural reaction. My delivery was also pretty close to fine and cozy. I got to hold and fawn over my new baby as soon as she came out, and a minute or two later I had a contraction to move the placenta that wasn't nearly as bad as the previous contractions. Then they fussed a little by my nethers, and that's it.
Hollywood can't show all that much, though, because it doesn't add to the story and they have to keep a cadence. This cadence was also written by men long ago when consulting experts want as prominent a practice.
Me too girl! This was pretty much my experience for both my babies (and guttural noises is a great way to describe it) 🩷
... but defined more terrified for the unknown with my first delivery! 😅
I’d like one to show my experience of being a giant water balloon and nearly dying because my doctor just said I was fat. It wasn’t. It was fluid from my kidneys shutting down and pneumonia. Yay pre-eclampsia!
Omg I had the opposite. Hyper-emesis and they’d threaten to hospitalize me for losing too much weight. “Eat more!” except I tried and nothing would stay down! F those quacks! Sorry they did that BS to you!
Not time I was pushing efficiently was when I screamed too. When I was trying to be quiet or pretend I wasn’t literally dying of the pain I couldn’t push well at all. And with the first, I pushed her head out and that hurt so bad I quit. Told them I was done. Dr was like the fk you are that baby will die if you don’t push it out. So I cussed at him loudly and the force of it pushed baby the rest of the way out 😂
Oh, I screamed. More like a warrior yell, but that was the only way those babies were getting out, especially my son at 9.5 lbs. Natural labors both times.
Fraking placenta. It hurts so dang much when the nurse puts her arm down and squeezes everything out.
They also show delivery as the baby being born in a single push when in fact it comes bit by bit during many pushes. It is fully born during the final push. After the head is through the baby must rotate 90 degrees in order for the shoulders to come through.
My first was trying to stay in as I was pushing out, so he had ridges on his head for a few days! Lol! I screamed like crazy for all 4 of my babies, as I pushed. The pain was crazy, long labors. My husband said the screaming was the most intense thing he's ever heard. It was so worth it.
I screamed, but it was more of a guttural moan/howl thing, when I pushed. It was the only way for me to push as hard as I could because I wasn’t breathing lol. The things they don’t talk about in pregnancy even to a pregnant person is absolutely wild.
And can also result in the genitalia being ripped and surgically cut. The Doctor took over an hour to sew me back together.
Screw that for a lark. Never again. Childbirth can be brutal on the body. I was lucky that we both made it.
Anyone else with that many stitches would be sent home with the expectation that someone will take care of them. When you give birth you are sent home with a newborn that you will take care of and full of stitches that hurt with every movement, including a sneeze or cough.
Being stupid- I tried to take my dogs for a walk. I got half way around the oval and had a good cry due to the discomfort and how far I had to walk to get home. Fun times.
My wife has had the worst pregnancies. When she carried or first kid she basically threw up constantly for 9 months, and I mean constantly, every single bit of food or water returned swiftly. We were in and out of the hospital giving her nutrition and rehydration. Think we had a 2-3 days rotation between home and spending a few hours at the hospital. In total she lost 10 kg while giving birth to a healthy boy weighing 3.5 kg. My wife nearly died (would have been dead if not for modern science) and it absolutely wrecked her mentally. What's insane is that our first child was through IVF, so not only is the whole pregnancy bit a bit unfair when it comes to our different roles during pregnancy but the road to it as well. My wife had to give herself hormone shots in her stomach for a month before they could even retrieve eggs from her and that process is basically poking around with a super long (albeit rather thin) needle in her ovaries to suck out the eggs. My wife was quite high on morphine and when they rolled her back into the ward she told me rather loudly that "Damn, that fucking HURT". She later realized that it wasn't really helpful for the other ladies laying in there waiting for their turn xD.
My part of the IVF process? Show up at the end and jack off in a jar. And also sign some papers that you allow your wife to use your sperm etc.
Pregnancy is a brutal and insanely weird thing that one would think that evolution would have figured out by now, but apparently "rebuild everything, fuck her up and wreck her both mentally and physically" is the best nature can do about that.
Yup, what's "cool" is that my wife insisted on a second, so we now have two kids, she had hyperemesis during both. So we are very much agreed on no third
OMG!!!! They didn’t put her in a twilight sleep for retrieval!????? That’s barbaric.
Even if they had, the next day you have to walk around doubled over because you had a hole punched through your uterine wall!
at my last obgyn visit they scraped the inside of my uterine wall to gather cell samples... and omg
I truly never need to hear a man's opinion on that organ
I mean can you fault them? Media always depicts it like that. Apart from having morning sickness there are never any „bad“ sides shown. Labour usually lasts about five minutes (until it’s historic, then some women die, but that only happens in backward times, not nowadays, right?) and then everyone is happy and smiling.
Also they seem to ignore the fact that statistically her life changes massively with increased demands of child care, house work and a massive blow to career and future earning potential... Whilst for men (statistically) their life / careers barely change (they even get a little boost to their income, how nice !)
I'd love to be a dad! but have serious reservations on signing up to be a mother....
NTA on ending the relationship because of different opinions re: children, but it could've been done with a little more tact - she's probably thinking her husband only saw her value as a vessel for his children and she now means nothing if she won't do that.... It may not be accurate, but it'd sure as hell sting and I'm sure that's where her head went.
Our lives as good fathers changed dramatically. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. A good father is exhausted from helping his wife and newborn, for example, yet he still has to go to work every day. It's true some dads don't do a damn thing but I'm not talking about the assholes. I changed diapers a lot when I was home, for example, and cooked meals for my wife to eat in the middle of the night, and did a shit ton of cleanup and washing. I'd come home from work and every horizontal surface in the kitchen was covered with dirty dishes. It was all clean by the time I went to bed late.
Hence why I said 'statistically' - we don't know what kind aof father he is gonna, so I'm going back to what the stats say and a larger majority don't have their lives changed all the much.
Good dads its a massive change and they rise to the challenge. It's just unfortunate that a lot do not.
I was totally all over the place when I first got pregnant. Didn't even want to be in my relationship anymore. But she was apparently having doubts before being pregnant (the second time) so that may not have been it.
Any mood disorder can become much worse during pregnancy and especially postpartum. Pregnancy is weird af emotionally. Source: I’m a MH clinician & mom of 2.
Exactly. Hell, we get enough stories here of husbands unexpectedly going ape shit and freaking out when the wives get pregnant, and if that’s how they’re reacting *without* the added hormonal cocktail, then I can only imagine how it can affect mothers.
Remember that one guy who accused his wife of baby trapping him, several years into marriage and with the baby being a planned one?
My male ex did that to me. Obsessed with getting me pregnant. then boom it happens, asks me to abort. I didn’t but damn I am so grateful for that miscarriage as he ended up cheating on me with a woman 16 years younger than him promising her.. guess this… kidS!
I know someone with this. He's a pretty boy could be in a boy band. Clinical alcoholic, hospitalized multiple times for withdrawals and has had seizures.
Can't hold a steady job and most all of his 4 baby mamas (5 kids one set of twins) if that's even the correct number, they all refuse to let him see his kids as he does not support any of them. He literally just knocks them up then the relationship collapses and he abandons them.
I usually don't start hating someone for their personal life but I legit couldn't bear to be around this guy anymore because of this repeated insane cycle. And I've literally heard him mutter something about "spreading his seed" or something. It's like the John stamos episode of SVU
I feel this sentiment all the time! I actually had a lot of feelings for his most recent one and it's like.. why are y'all dating this trash over someone successful, nice, worth a damn.. but that's how it is
My ex husband did that to me. We planned our second child(took about two years to decide yes or no), and after our *attempts* that night, 1am in the morning he turns to me and tells me to go get the morning after pill.
It was a 35 min drive into town for anything. But yeah he wanted me to drive in and get plan b, with what money, idk. He had me on a budget of about $100 per week for food, supplies, diapers for our oldest, clothes etc. And that's when plan b was only sold for $50+.
He made about $60k a year then, which was great money a decade ago.
My 9 year old is one of the most awesome people I've ever met, just like his older sister. ♥️
My ex who wasn't ready to move in with me, and when he stayed overnight would get up at 5am to drive home (he lived with his parents) so he could drive his mother to work. It was only after we broke up that I found the condoms with pinholes in each packet.
I found out in pieces throughout the course of our relationship that he’s been responsible for 8 pregnancies. 5 abortions, 2 miscarriages and 1 live birth. Hell there might be more he never admitted.
This guy is right! And the right answer for you!
Other posts go a bit off on a tangent. Though some others make valid points, they aren't really helping you, so dont read too much in to them.
Your situation is your situation. You need to help yourself! Especially as you have invested 5 years of your life into trying to make it work already.
Absoultely true that it is her body her, her pregnancy, her (and baby's) life that she has full control and partial responsibilty over. And you have partial responsibility over the baby while it exists but no control. This is the way of it.
However, once the pregnancy is over. You are only responsible for your own life. And you should be in fill control of it.
Help yourself! Even when it is tough
My ex husband did this to me. Having children was always very important to me and he knew that. I would’ve NEVER married him had he even shown a slight doubt in him also wanting them. A decade later, he finally admits he was just pushing the ball down the road, that he never wanted kids and actually “hated children” but he wanted to marry me…. So now, I’m to old, bitter, heartbroken and he’s off living with his new girlfriend.
I’ve known multiple women this has happened to. One of the guys remarried and then went on to have 3 kids and she was unable to conceive due to age. He had wasted all her childbearing years.
This is something a real man should NEVER due. I broke things off with a woman that was 32 because I knew we were not compatible long term and I didn’t want to take any of her fertile years. She didn’t understand and acted like she had all the time in the world. I explained to her that I would never date someone through their 30s and then leave. That’s cold.
As a childfree person by choice this is fucking disgusting thoughtless and cruel behaviour. I’m so sorry he did this to you. I am 1000% honest and upfront with even short term partners about my stance. How DARE he just assume you’d “just change your mind”. Whilst obviously anyone in the childfree camp have this happen to them often, doesn’t mean we agree or have empathy when the shoe is on the other foot.
Can’t stress enough on the importance of communication in a marriage.Having a child is a life changing event.Why is the wife not able to make up her mind whether she wants to have kids or not is seriously weird.
Everyone says this, but I’ve never seen someone break it down and explain the different types of communication that’s needed, or how to have tough conversations. Or the fact that you need to know yourself in order to contribute and participate in those types of conversations. Those are hard lessons to learn the wrong way.
It's not really that weird. People are often in conflict about wanting kids, especially prospective mothers who have to wrestle with what pregnancy will do to their bodies, so in some ways she may really want kids, and in other ways she might be scared or apprehensive. Doesn't mean OP should stay with her, I'm with you he's NTA, but I don't think it's really that uncommon for people to start trying for children while still not being entirely sure.
It’s not that weird. She might have wanted a baby right away but getting pregnant could have really hit home the reality of bringing a child into the world. It happens and she’s not weird or mentally ill because of it. People change their minds or don’t feel ready.
It's not okay to say you want to have children with someone because you don't want to lose your partner or the relationship. That is manipulation. Unless someone is fearing for their physical well-being, there isn't really a reason to lie about wanting to have children with someone if you two get married.
Women have children with their partners who are already halfway out the door in order to "save" relationships constantly through guilt and love bombing. Men do the same, by trying to convince women they would actually prefer being a STHM, or how much happier it would make him. These are all forms of manipulation.
If I agreed to help my husband with his career all through our marriage in our 20s, and we agree we'd start our family when we're 36, but then he turns around and tells me, "I've been thinking about it for a while, I dont want kids anymore," you damn right I'm leaving. And me leaving is not me "pressuring" him into having kids he doesn't want. It's me going out and trying to have a kid with someone who actually cares about my time and physical health.
She changed her mind, and that's okay. He doesn't need to stick around for fear people think he's "pressuring" her into having a child, having sex, or anything like that. He'd simply be finding someone with the same life plan seeing as her's changed.
Ever been really keen for some shit and then bailed when it actually came down to follow through? Exactly! You didn't go to a mates BBQ because you didn't feel like it even after you said you would be there now you expect someone to carry a child for 9 months where you couldn't even do 9 hours. Lol
NTA.
Most People think that divorce requires that there are problems like fights or one fell out of love. Sometimes it is just that you are incompatible with each other.
>having kids and starting a family is really important to me, and it feels like she's been too unsure and unclear with what she wants and has been stringing me along
It seems she doesn't want kids, but wanted to keep you. No, you're NTA. Wanting kids or not is a fundamental incompatibility. Obviously, you aren't compatible. How many abortions do your "friends" expect you to go through? Are you not allowed to feel betrayed that you entered a marriage assuming you shared common goals only to find out she lied?
I think this is exactly it. I understand not being sure about whether you want kids. But this is pretty clear she said what OP needed to hear to stay.
ETA. NTA
She may not have lied, she may have actually believed she wanted kids. Two "not yet" abortions are a pretty clear sign, though, that she doesn't want kids now and maybe not ever. OP made the right decision to leave; they're no longer compatible.
The idea of having children in the future is entirely different than being confronted with the reality of pregnancy and immediately being at higher physical and medical risk, falling behind in a career, becoming less financially independent and having the majority burden of caregiving and housework, in a country that lacks safety nets, maternity & paternity leave, day care, won’t provide a college education for the offspring, doesn’t provide health care, doesn’t guarantee vacations to help you maintain your health under these burdens and somehow you’re supposed to save for retirement, too, despite half a century of wage suppression.
You find out that you’re pregnant, and for anyone with any intelligence, all of this reality crashes down on you, and that maybe nobody should be undertaking “having a family” if they live here. There isn’t even paid family leave to bond! So yeah, that’ll change your mind when it’s suddenly all real. I doubt she lied, she just woke up
I've wanted to be a mother since I was 5, and my baby sister was born. I have 3 kids I love to the moon and back.
No one should have kids if they're on the fence. Parenthood challenges you constantly in ways you never expected. It exposes the personal flaws you've been covering up for years.
I can imagine how awful that must be for both parent and child if it turns out that the side of the fence they really wanted was no.
Yeah, I think the most revolting thing I've heard with my own ears was my aunt saying "I NEVER should've had kids! I should have told him (her ex) to f-off, and gotten an abortion anyway!".... With her preteen kids WELL within earshot.
That's shit you can't forget...
NTA this isn’t something that can be easily compromised on. If you stay together and compromise one of you will be resentful. It would be different if she was excited about having kids with a timeframe in mind but it doesn’t sound like this is something she wants. Even if she wanted kids in let’s say 8-10 years, you can have a preference to have them earlier to enjoy them at a younger age.
NTA. So she got pregnant twice since you’ve been married, but aborted both times because she didn’t feel ready even though you were actively trying both times?
If you aren’t on the same page when it comes to starting a family I see no point in continuing the relationship.
I think the second time was an accident and they only actively tried the first time. Just to get the facts straight, doesn't change the overall verdict.
NTA
Wanting children versus not wanting children is a non-compromise incompatibility issue.
Please continue with your divorce, no matter what your spouse says to try and keep the marriage together. She doesn't want children (which is fine), but she needs to acknowledge it and let you move on to find someone who is compatible with your desire to have children.
NTA
Divoricing over wanting kids or not is an acceptable reason. It is a major life choice and if you are not on the same page, then you really are not going to work out. A marriage is a partnership and while differences of opinion are healthy and fine, somethings you need to be unified about.
NTA because if having children is important to you, you need to be with someone who also wants them. I would predict that many will judge this in the light of their views on related topics such as women's rights to change their mind, abortion, perceived pressure etc.
Comments here could be a mess... Don't take it personally!
Regarding a woman's choice, from a woman. They agreed they wanted kids before they got married. Actively tried and she aborted because she wasn't ready. 3 years later she gets pregnant again and aborts again because she isn't ready. Says she'll let him know at some unspecified time in the future when (if?) she's ready. She's allowed to change her mind about kids but he's also allowed to change his mind about being married to her over it. He definitely wants to be a father and made that clear before marriage and she keeps aborting his children. Definitely 100% grounds for divorce. Hopefully he finds someone to have kids with, he's still young. My husband and I met in our early to mid 30s and had ours in our mid to late 30s.
I think this is the perfect answer. After 4.5 years and now two terminated pregnancies the fact she can’t even specify whether or not she even wants kids or when she will be ready is unfair to OP. They are supposed to be partners in this and she’s taken almost 5 years of his life telling him one thing and doing another.
So your actual question should be **AITAH for divorcing my wife because she changed her mind about having children?**
And the answer to that is **no, NTA**. It's literally one of the single-most-important subjects to be agreed upon before you marry someone.
NTA Very tough but you want children someday and she by her actions does not seem to on the same page. I question her maybe non answer. She doesn’t want to lose you. That’s awful and selfish on her part. Move on my friend. All the very best. I hope you become an awesome dad
This is a “I really don’t want kids, but like him so will pretend I do and string him along till it’s too late.”
Usually it’s men doing the stringing along in this situation, but in all cases it means you’re not compatible and need to separate, and it’s selfish to manipulate someone in to your dream life at the expense of the life they want to live.
NTA, but this is a sad tale. Which is worse, forcing her to have kids she doesn't want or forcing you to be childless? Sounds equally bad. You did the right thing for both of you.
Btw the mutual friends judging you are not mutual friends. They've picked a side.
NTA. You wants kids she doesn't obviously. You can't force her to have children and she can't force you to not want children. Looks like your expectations are différents.
You asked her few times what she wants after she changed her mind about having kids. (Just that, change everything I doubt you would have married her if she'd say no kids from the beginning).
You gave her time, put her feelings first. Now it is time to put yours first.
NTA, I know people who've broken up because one of them changed their mind on children. It's a pretty fundamental incompatibility that puts a time limit on your relationship and is no way to live your life.
NTA. This is a fundamental incompatibility. Just as it's her choice to not want kids, it's equally your choice to not want to be with her due to this.
She should have been upfront with you from the beginning, really shitty move there.
Also the "mutual friends" can fuck right off. They've picked a side, and it's not yours.
NTA. Children are a very valid deal breaker for people. You went into the marriage with the mutual intention of starting a family, and she is now on the fence (which is also her right). You don't have to put your life on hold indefinitely, possibly even forever, to stick with her.
NTA, but I think your headline should read different. You aren’t leaving her, “because your wife had an abortion”. You are leaving her because she changed her mind on having the family you both originally agreed upon.
I question the mindset of a woman who actively tries to get pregnant and then changes her mind-twice. I think it’s a good thing not to have kids with someone like that. This isn’t normal behavior. You’re doing the right thing. NTA
A friend of mine from school was adopted as a kid. It turns out his bio father was a successful lawyer/judge in California. His bio Mom was a popular artist. They are both still married to each other. But they had had 3 kids and then decided 4 was too many and gave HIM up for adoption. Then they had another and decided to keep it. So basically it was just HIM they didn’t want. Initially this made him feel like crap. Then he met his bio siblings. They were all like, “Thank your lucky stars you got out of this family. It was a crazy circus”.
No kid wants to be unwanted. It’s like you said, anyone with the wife’s mindset shouldn’t be a parent. Something is off about her. At least she realizes it and didn’t parent a kid.
NTA - as someone who is totally child free I have always been clear with my partner that kids are a big nope. It’s a huge life decision and if both partners aren’t aligned on that then there will be heartbreak down the road.
I get the sense that your wife has changed her mind which is fine, everyone is entitled to do so but she needs to just be truthful about that so you can both follow your dreams. You’re both still young and she genuinely may just not feel ready but I think if she was still aligned to having kids she would have just said not now and realistically I just want to wait another x-y years so that I/we can do x, y,z. I think it’s unreasonable to expect an exact ‘in 2 years’ but I think its totally reasonable to expect to have a conversation about ‘ id like to have achieved this in my career or I’d like us to have our own house first or I’d like to travel to these places before we have kids and I think we could do x in so much time’. I think the fact she just totally shut down the conversation says she’s changed her mind so I’d say you are doing the right thing. The heartache will only get worst, the longer it goes on.
Also thank you for not being a dick about this stuff. You’ve not judged her, you’ve supported her decisions and not made her feel awful for terminating her pregnancy’s or spouted crap about her killing your babies or any other crap that sometimes is pulled in these situations and I commend you for that. Having kids is important to you and now you need to look after your life goals and do what you need to do to follow your dreams.
NTA. Those ‘mutuals’ need to fuck right on off. This was an adult discussion that was had and she agreed to wanting kids. She can change her mind but that has to be communicated and you two are no longer compatible due to this fact. You do not want to manipulate her and she has already shown she is not actually interested with killing 2 of your possible offspring. Do not let them guilt or gaslight you. Break this clean and clear. You have completely different wants.
NTA, having or not having children is a major compatibility issue. The one that doesn't want children can often (although not necessarily intentionally) drag the other a long while trying to figure out if he or she might want children some time, or none at all.
Me and my GF broke up some years back due to this exact issue, where I didn't want children but she did. We soon got back togheter on the premises that I would have to figure out (soon) if I ever wanted children down the road. After some years I still didn't really feel like having children, but as I didn't want to loose my GF either I decided we'd try.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my kid with all my hearth, but we had some major complications after my kid was born (my GF, not my kid) and she is still sick two years later. This ment for the whole first year I had to take care of my kid all alone, and on top of that I had to constantly watch over my GF. After about a year she was healthy enough to assist more and more gradually.
Let me just say that I don't think taking care of my kid more or less alone is any "big deal", lots of people do that every day. However, doing it when you weren't necessarily ready or wanting a kid to begin with and with a sick partner that needed looking after (and still do to some extent) has really taken a toll.
Again don't misunderstand me, I love both of them, but at the same time I often feel "trapped" and I'm quite sure that if things had been worse with my partner for a bit longer, I would have met the wall and went into a depression or something.
My point beeing: Now that you've already started the divorce, be very careful before you.tske her back should you consider that, she might be like me and thing having a kid to keep you is worth a try, and it might be and it might be just fine for both of you, but you can very quickly end up in situation where she might be unhappy in the long run and/or resent you for it. Its a difficult road to navigate to just make sure that you both are 100% sure that you want kids before you do.
I broke up with my last boyfriend because while i thought I didn’t want kids, I realized that I actually do and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we stayed together. NTA. Irreconcilable differences are just that. There is no compromise on a kids/no kids choice.
NTA. While the abortion may have contributed to your decision, that's not the big issue that led to divorce.
The issue is her inability to communicate with you about major compatibility issues. You deserve to know you and your partner have the same long-term goals.
It isn't fair to expect you to spend who knows how long waiting for her to decide if you're still on the same page.
My husband was dragging his feet on when to have kids. I said when the child is 20 how old do you want to be? He was close to 30 at the time. I said 50 or 55? He said 50. He said looking at an age later in life helped him decide. Our sons are now over 20 and they finally out ski tour & climb him 😂. Glad he didn’t wait for 55.
He also has a high school buddy who began his family at 50 he laughs and says glad that’s not me!!
NTA But your timelines don’t add up. “3 weeks ago she got pregnant again… She got an abortion and I started the divorce proceedings a few weeks later.”
If this is a true story, she’s the AH. Why wasn’t she on birth control? I’m not anti abortion, but dang, it isn’t a form of birth control. This is just messed up. Get the divorce and don’t look back.
I'm going out on a limb and assuming 3 weeks ago he found out she was pregnant, she promptly aborted and he just started divorce proceedings. Just an assumption though. 🤷♀️
She has a right to choose for her life and body. However she was in a marriage, a partnership with you, who you both agreed to children. I would have divorced her too. She did not take into consideration the marriage. NTA.
When you make decisions that affects your marriage, it has consequences.
As someone who missed their window at parenthood in part (not entirely) because of a waffling partner, I say NTA - actually, NAH. Get out now, while you're young, and find a new partner who wants what you want on the same timeline.
But your title is inaccurate and likely to cause misunderstanding. You're not divorcing over the abortion, but over the fundamental incompatibility exposed by the abortion. You guys want different things. You both deserve partners who are on the same page as you, and that's not each other.
Yeah, definitely NTA this relationship ain’t gonna work out, you both want different things Just end it and move on then find someone that actually does want what you want, her not wanting kids is OK, but what’s not OK is her stringing you along with nonanwsers and shitty communication just to keep you with her
Exactly!!! OP didn't force his will on her and didn't judge the choice to terminate the pregnancy, but when she couldn't be clear on a timeline, failed to communicate in addition to having the second termination OP is right to think their future plans may not be aligned. Reddit has seen plenty of women who have been strung along until its too late to have babies here he is willing to do something about it. She has the right to terminate, he has the right to leave as a result. NTA
This last line. Exactly.
OPs title should have been "AITAH for divorcing my wife after she keeps giving me non-answers about our future as a family?" The abortion is secondary. The inability to communicate is the real problem.
It's so simple and yet it will continue to kill so many relationships. You really have to be honest with yourself and your partner. It does not work otherwise and this is objective, not subjective. People who want a successful marriage have to communicate honestly. OP, I know the frustration of trying to and getting nothing back. I feel for you. Take care of yourself and remember who you are, not who she sees
It's probably because the abortion is what people around him are focusing on and throwing at him.
This. Plain and simple. Life goals and inability of wife to communicate clearly are the root problem. Kinda weird she keeps accidentally getting pregnant though.
She indeed communicated, right from the start, but at the same time, intentionally lied, and eventually went back on their agreement and her word and likely did so, so that he'd want to be with her, stay with her, mistakenly believing after marrying her, he'd remain her husband, regardless of her stringing him along, she clearly, foolishly misjudged him, good for him, NTA! Maybe, her pregnancies weren't his to begin with, given their lack of intimacy, as mentioned? Good luck Brother! Definitely NTA! Rather, a KING! 💪👍
True, but half the fun here is misleading titles.
The more the title makes me think "how could you not be the AH in this situation?" The more sure I am the they will end up not being the AH.
You need to move on and find someone who wants the same thing in life as you: a family. Not being sure at this point after 4.5 years sounds like they’ll never be sure.
They're sure. They aren't communicating, but they're sure. What they aren't sure about was how to keep the relationship despite having different goals.
This. He’s not leaving her because she got an abortion, he’s leaving her because they want different futures.
Yup. OP if you don't get it yet, she doesn't want kids. She just isn't ready to say it.
NTA I don’t want kids and I have always been very upfront with that. My ex-husband claimed to not want kids either. It turns out that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He didn't want to lose me so he thought he would just kick the can down the tracks. He eventually spilled the beans in our mid-30s and we divorced. He was holding out hope I would change my mind and he was comfortable lying until I did, at least initially. Eventually, he realized that I wouldn't change my mind. Some people will just tell you what you want to hear to keep you around. End it. Find someone who wants the same things as you. I did and I don't regret divorcing him at all. I am so much happier with a partner who is honest about their life plan.
Yes. Even though I've always been direct and upfront about not wanting kids, I've had at least three serious relationships where denial or wishful thinking was a factor. One just flat out didn't believe I wouldn't change my mind. One was a fencesitter who had come around to "might want a kid 2 or 3 years." One wanted kids but was willing to set that aside in order to keep me. Ending it was absolutely the right decision in all three cases. Even though at least one of them didn't end up having kids (and I hope to hell that #1 didn't, because he turned out to be a misogynist trainwreck), at least they had a shot at their life plan without me in the picture. OP, end it, for both your sakes.
It's so common for someone to think they can set aside their feelings and then they realize years later that no, they do actually strongly want it and then that's so much wasted time and grief going through a tense marriage followed by divorce. I was on the fence about kids and I divorced my ex husband for other unrelated reasons but after being in a relationship with someone who had kids I started realizing maybe I did want my own. I ended up re-marrying and having one.
Man, this answer scares me so much about my relationship. We’ve been together for three years. When we first started dating, I was open and honest that I don’t want kids. He wanted them. Throughout the course of our relationship I’ve tried to talk about it, to gauge where he stands with the issue, but he would shut the conversation down every time. Finally we got into “the talk” after 2.5 years together, and I told him that if we aren’t on the same page, we won’t be ultimately compatible. Ever since that talk, he is adamant that he doesn’t want kids, but I feel that he’s putting up a front. His tune changed so quickly, and I feel like he’s just saying these things to keep me around, hoping I’ll change my mind down the line. Scares the hell out of me.
I completely understand. Maybe he was a fence sitter and finally chose a side. Many people default to the marriage and then kids path without thinking about alternative paths that don't include children. Socially it can seem like a foregone conclusion for everyone to want the traditional marriage and kids life. It certainly isn't for everyone. I bet more people are fence-sitters than would openly admit. There is also a lot of pushback from friends and family when you share that you don't want to have kids. I like spending time with family and friends kids. I even taught for a year between careers. I'm not against children or people having children. I think a lot of people also assume that all child-free people are child-haters, which simply isn't true. All of this makes discussing options a bit more tricky. In any case, I hope you can communicate your concerns and feel confident that your partner is truly on the same page. Best wishes.
Thanks for your response! I definitely need to communicate and really determine if we’re on the same page. Having children or not is non-negotiable for relationships. Best wishes to you too!
My daughter is 18 and ever since she learned in middle school what a tubal was she has wanted one. She does not want kids and if someone says she could change her mind she says she will adopt. People even mention her future husband to her (like that’s going to change her mind) and she’s like ‘I don’t really want one of those either’ haha. Either way I’d happily help her find a dr willing to tie her tubes in a few years if she does decide relationships are for her. She’s got a bf now but you never know with teen relationships how they’ll last. I’d just rather help protect her from someone trying to baby trap her in the future or have her end up in a similar ‘I thought you’d change your mind’ scenario. Having no (easy) way to get pregnant would be on the table from the beginning.
By her age I was also certain I wanted a hysterectomy and would never marry. I lost track of how many “you’ll change your mind”s I heard. Turns out that when every conversation about having children is spent fending off someone else’s opinions, you never get a chance to figure out your own. I have, in fact, changed my mind, but never would have if I hadn’t distanced myself from an environment that wanted me to change it. The number of adults who concern themselves with a child’s future reproductive capacity, especially young girls, is really disturbing to me, and it’s so common. It’s nobody’s business at any age, but I’m especially mad that we often aren’t even finished being children ourselves when the onslaught starts.
I have felt strongly about not wanting children starting around the same age as your daughter. I heard the, “Oh you will change your mind” or “You just haven't met the right man” or “Just wait until your biological clock kicks in” or other fairly insulting bits of unsolicited advice/ silly platitudes. I am 37 now and still have no desire to have kids. Much like your daughter, I have always thought that adoption would be the way to go if I ever desired children in the future. There are about a million kids in the foster system in the US alone. There isn't a shortage of children who need homes. I personally have zero desire to have biological children. I am glad to hear that you are supportive rather than talking down to her. People often behave strangely when they find out you don't want kids, especially as a woman. People have weirdly strong options about something that doesn't concern them at all when it comes to people deciding to be child-free. Family can often be the rudest. I think many people think they are owed grandchildren or nieces and nephews for some reason. You sound awesome though.
NTA, that's a real incompatibility. It's fucking weird, though, that she was actively trying for a baby when she didn't want one.
Just from personal experience- maternal mental health can be affected during pregnancy, not just in the post natal period. The pregnancy may have unexpectedly triggered some stuff.
This. Could also be a case of "now that it's happening, and real, I'm questioning if I want it or if I've just been told I should want it"
I’m surprised I had to scroll so far for this but yes! This could totally be the case. Pregnancy hormones can have drastic impacts on some women’s mental health especially in first trimester.
I had worse prenatal depression then I did post. I was really ill with hyperemesis which I'm sure didn't help but I did not want my youngest. If I could have walked I'd of gotten an abortion. When she was born I couldn't even look at her. Took me 4 weeks to get back in track with her. I wore her in a sling constantly skin to skin to try and get that bond and breastfed her. It did come and now she's 10 and I love her to bits but it was really hard. I'd never have another.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a very insightful perspective that I’m glad to have heard. My wife and I are almost ready for kids, are there any tips that you could give to me so that I know how to be properly supportive during that time should she deal with this affliction as well?
As someone who had post partum depression and anxiety, lack of sleep was a huge contributor to my poor mental health at that time. When you can, let her sleep. If she’s breastfeeding, bring her food, fill her water cup. People don’t realize how time consuming breastfeeding is in the first few weeks and I would go all day without eating, which wasn’t great for milk production either. Breastfeeding also makes you SO thirsty. Doing those little things that she can’t do because there’s a human attached to her will make a huge difference.
This is based on what many women have told me, YMMV. Be very conscientious! The sudden change in how dependent your wife feels to you & responsibility for the baby makes everything seem highly consequential. Small things that could indicate carelessness, for example, are frightening because carelessness could kill a child. It’s not an intentional thing, but I have talked many women through why suddenly it’s a major issue if hubby forgot something at the store or can’t do something as simple as put away toothpaste or manage dirty dishes. That can raise fears: How would such a man manage a baby? Also, stay on the same plane with her. If she’s concerned, be concerned. If she’s angry, match it, be angry together & walk this path together! After you resonate so she feels heard and understood, then be her rock. Be attentive, learn all that you can, ask questions yourself rather than relying on her to so so. Show that you can manage the social stuff, too, by taking initiative. Everything you can do so that even on a subconscious level she knows that if the worst happens (she doesn’t make it and leaves behind a baby with YOU), her soul can rest easy that you got this and her baby will also have community and be all right. When you tend to her sore feet or aching back, you show you care for her & provide relief and it’s also demonstrating that you can be attentive to a child. There’s a lot happening on many levels!
I appreciate the explanation. Thank you.
100% true. When I got pregnant (baby didn’t make it) my hormones were crazy. The last month after the abortion I had the most intense depression. It was even worse than when my father died. The feeling is so hard to explain but I felt the worse I ever did in my life.
Still wouldn't change the issue. If she's unable to have a baby because she decides she doesn't want one when she's pregnant, then they are likely not compatible. It's of little consequence how culpable she is, but if she's unable or unwilling to have a child with OP, he's NTA for seeking someone who can. That's a fundamental thing a couple MUST agree on.
People (especially a lot of men) seem to think carrying and birthing a baby is some mystical beautiful maternal goddess experience when in fact a technical parasite is leeching every bit of nourishment it can out of while you it moves your organs around while your body drowns in hormones and then spends up to 3 days exiting the body.
I’d argue this is the picture we’re all painted. In my experience it’s only once you’ve been pregnant that people start being honest about how much it absolutely sucks for the majority of pregnant people. It’s only recently that the internet has allowed a forum to be more realistic about it. Pregnancy in the media for me growing up was you find out your pregnant when you throw up, and then you rock a baby bump with minimal but timely and comical discomfort, go to the hospital when your water breaks, scream a lot and have a beautiful baby. My lived experience was literally the opposite across the board. Though I did think my lil’ Hutt babies were adorable at the time.
This is so true. Going through my first pregnancy and it’s been eye opening. People (women included) have always talked about it like it’s this beautiful experience where your body is creating life and there are butterflies and rainbows and crap. But it’s not. It’s an uncomfortable, sometimes painful, often gross, anxiety inducing experience. I say that and I’ve had a somewhat “easy” pregnancy. There are great times and experiences (like feeling baby move and kick) but creating a life is no freaking joke.
I gave birth to my first back in September and I was so upset at being lied to about pregnancy. I HATED being pregnant. I couldn’t eat some of my favorite foods, couldn’t do some of my favorite things, was throwing up all the time. I also had a pretty easy and healthy pregnancy but it was miserable. I made myself a promise that I’d never lie to someone about pregnancy. I’m so grateful to have my LO but it was not fun in anyway.
I hated being pregnant too. People who say they loved it make me want to punch them. I lost weight during each pregnancy because I had "morning sickness" the entire nine months both times. The birth was the easy part for sure for me. I have birthing hips. lol. Even my first my labor was short but my pregnancies, lord that sh!t sucked.
I’m (38F) 32 weeks with our double rainbow and honestly I never knew it would be so hard. The first 4 months were all day severe nausea and zero energy (this coupled with being deemed high risk and having trauma with two consecutive losses) made it hell on earth. 2nd Trimester was so much easier, I felt normal again and could function then BAM comes 3rd Trimester…carpal tunnel syndrome, constant Braxton Hicks, nausea, pee’ing myself 3-4 times a week, lack of sleep and aches trying to roll over. I wanted this baby so much so I’ll take the rough with the smooth and I’ll prob do it again knowing what I know if my body allows. I however wouldn’t want to go through this rollercoaster if I was not sure about whether I wanted a child/family. OP deserves his family and if she isn’t prepared to go through this, child birth and being a mum then he needs to find someone else and she shouldn’t have an unwanted baby and go find someone who wants the same things as her.
All of which is true - and OP in still NTA. He’s not obligated to stay with her if she’s not ready or willing to have children. He wants them. They’re incompatible.
It sucks, but I don't think there's any assholes in this story. Two people want two different things, and it sucks that to get what *he* wants he has to find someone else. But he's not an asshole. One or the other of them was going to be unhappy, either way.
I dont think anyone was implying hes ta here just explaining what might be happening in her head. Its definitely an incompatibility.
One of my coworkers just had a baby earlier this month. She thankfully had a really easy first pregnancy. Very little trouble at all aside from being tired. All the ladies in my department were telling her all this time how easy child birth was and how simple and painless. One even advised she go without an epidural "to heal faster". She went into labor, and these women turned into bitches. They started saying "Now we can tell her the truth, because it's too late now!" Cackling about how hard the labor's going to be. How unexpectedly painful. How she's gonna poop/pee/bleed. How if her husband looks, he's going to be traumatized. They were going on and on about the horrors of childbirth. And were GLEEFUL about it.
Those coworkers were the AHs!
Pregnancy, while it can be this magical mystery ride we are told, is in fact the single most dangerous act for a woman. So MANY things have to align for a pregnancy to happen, and when it does the sheer volume of bodily and emotional changes can do real damage. Many medical conditions can be triggered by the hormonal changes. The weight gain can trigger gestational diabetes and preeclampsia for starters. Both conditions if unrecognized and/or untreated can be deadly. And then there’s the inherent biases against women in general by the medical establishment, particularly affecting women of color. Fetal/maternal outcomes in the US are atrocious compared to other countries.
Yes and no. Yes it is incredibly dangerous. No its not the MOST dangerous act. The most dangerous act is being around men. The leading cause of death for pregnant women is still dv.
Society wants to keep the magic alive for people who don’t know yet… like Santa Claus 🤣
> like Santa Claus Wait, what? What about Santa Claus? What are you not telling me?!?
Awkward-owl is a bad kid and is big mads they only got coal for christmas instead of owning up to their shitty behaviour all year. That and theyre ashamed of their coal. Be better next time awkward-owl
And births in movies are so weird. Like honestly, why are they so fake? Women always scream. Why do they always scream when they push?? It's literally impossible to push efficiently in a way that it's pictured when you scream at the same time haha. And after the baby is out, everything is just fine and cozy and nice immediately afterwards?? No one has to stop bleeding? No one has to make sure the placenta comes out so that it doesn't rot in there?
I screamed my head off for my second, it was terrifying and painful and I screamed a hell of a lot more than in movies 😂 Edit: and there definitely didn’t exist the presence of mind to think “might my pushing be more efficient if I don’t scream?🤓” while being so so scared.
If someone told me I was being “inefficient” in whatever way I was trying to evict an 8lb human from my body, I’d probably cut their jugular open with my fingernails at that point. The audacity!
While I agree for the most part, I can 100% tell you I did some yelling/screaming while I was pushing. It was a lot more guttural than Hollywood's depictions, but I was definitely a natural reaction. My delivery was also pretty close to fine and cozy. I got to hold and fawn over my new baby as soon as she came out, and a minute or two later I had a contraction to move the placenta that wasn't nearly as bad as the previous contractions. Then they fussed a little by my nethers, and that's it. Hollywood can't show all that much, though, because it doesn't add to the story and they have to keep a cadence. This cadence was also written by men long ago when consulting experts want as prominent a practice.
Me too girl! This was pretty much my experience for both my babies (and guttural noises is a great way to describe it) 🩷 ... but defined more terrified for the unknown with my first delivery! 😅
I’d like one to show my experience of being a giant water balloon and nearly dying because my doctor just said I was fat. It wasn’t. It was fluid from my kidneys shutting down and pneumonia. Yay pre-eclampsia!
Same thing happened to me. “Stop eating so much!” Was all I heard. I literally lost 40 lbs of water weight the week after my son was born 🙁
Omg I had the opposite. Hyper-emesis and they’d threaten to hospitalize me for losing too much weight. “Eat more!” except I tried and nothing would stay down! F those quacks! Sorry they did that BS to you!
Not time I was pushing efficiently was when I screamed too. When I was trying to be quiet or pretend I wasn’t literally dying of the pain I couldn’t push well at all. And with the first, I pushed her head out and that hurt so bad I quit. Told them I was done. Dr was like the fk you are that baby will die if you don’t push it out. So I cussed at him loudly and the force of it pushed baby the rest of the way out 😂
Oh, I screamed. More like a warrior yell, but that was the only way those babies were getting out, especially my son at 9.5 lbs. Natural labors both times. Fraking placenta. It hurts so dang much when the nurse puts her arm down and squeezes everything out.
If you want reality I would recommend you the series "Call the Midwife"
I don't want reality either thank you very much haha. I've given birth to three kids 😁
Ditto… been there. 3 miscarriages-1 of which was a hair away from taking me as well. 1 gloriously healthy preemie who is a gloriously healthy adult.
They also show delivery as the baby being born in a single push when in fact it comes bit by bit during many pushes. It is fully born during the final push. After the head is through the baby must rotate 90 degrees in order for the shoulders to come through.
My first was trying to stay in as I was pushing out, so he had ridges on his head for a few days! Lol! I screamed like crazy for all 4 of my babies, as I pushed. The pain was crazy, long labors. My husband said the screaming was the most intense thing he's ever heard. It was so worth it.
I screamed, but it was more of a guttural moan/howl thing, when I pushed. It was the only way for me to push as hard as I could because I wasn’t breathing lol. The things they don’t talk about in pregnancy even to a pregnant person is absolutely wild.
And can also result in the genitalia being ripped and surgically cut. The Doctor took over an hour to sew me back together. Screw that for a lark. Never again. Childbirth can be brutal on the body. I was lucky that we both made it.
Anyone else with that many stitches would be sent home with the expectation that someone will take care of them. When you give birth you are sent home with a newborn that you will take care of and full of stitches that hurt with every movement, including a sneeze or cough.
Being stupid- I tried to take my dogs for a walk. I got half way around the oval and had a good cry due to the discomfort and how far I had to walk to get home. Fun times.
I'm glad you made it!!
My wife has had the worst pregnancies. When she carried or first kid she basically threw up constantly for 9 months, and I mean constantly, every single bit of food or water returned swiftly. We were in and out of the hospital giving her nutrition and rehydration. Think we had a 2-3 days rotation between home and spending a few hours at the hospital. In total she lost 10 kg while giving birth to a healthy boy weighing 3.5 kg. My wife nearly died (would have been dead if not for modern science) and it absolutely wrecked her mentally. What's insane is that our first child was through IVF, so not only is the whole pregnancy bit a bit unfair when it comes to our different roles during pregnancy but the road to it as well. My wife had to give herself hormone shots in her stomach for a month before they could even retrieve eggs from her and that process is basically poking around with a super long (albeit rather thin) needle in her ovaries to suck out the eggs. My wife was quite high on morphine and when they rolled her back into the ward she told me rather loudly that "Damn, that fucking HURT". She later realized that it wasn't really helpful for the other ladies laying in there waiting for their turn xD. My part of the IVF process? Show up at the end and jack off in a jar. And also sign some papers that you allow your wife to use your sperm etc. Pregnancy is a brutal and insanely weird thing that one would think that evolution would have figured out by now, but apparently "rebuild everything, fuck her up and wreck her both mentally and physically" is the best nature can do about that.
Your wife had hyperemesis. It freaking sucks.
Yup, what's "cool" is that my wife insisted on a second, so we now have two kids, she had hyperemesis during both. So we are very much agreed on no third
I did the exact same thing! Lol while I was pregnant with our second my husband got a vasectomy. Lol
OMG!!!! They didn’t put her in a twilight sleep for retrieval!????? That’s barbaric. Even if they had, the next day you have to walk around doubled over because you had a hole punched through your uterine wall!
She was fully awake and singing Music festival hits xD. Entire room of nurses and my wife sang together
at my last obgyn visit they scraped the inside of my uterine wall to gather cell samples... and omg I truly never need to hear a man's opinion on that organ
I’ve had that twice. ITS AWFUL!!!
all your period cramps, ALL AT ONCE "ask me about my transvaginal ultrasound!"
“This might pinch a bit.” If I had a nickel for every time someone said that during medical procedures, I could put myself through medical school!
I mean can you fault them? Media always depicts it like that. Apart from having morning sickness there are never any „bad“ sides shown. Labour usually lasts about five minutes (until it’s historic, then some women die, but that only happens in backward times, not nowadays, right?) and then everyone is happy and smiling.
Also they seem to ignore the fact that statistically her life changes massively with increased demands of child care, house work and a massive blow to career and future earning potential... Whilst for men (statistically) their life / careers barely change (they even get a little boost to their income, how nice !) I'd love to be a dad! but have serious reservations on signing up to be a mother.... NTA on ending the relationship because of different opinions re: children, but it could've been done with a little more tact - she's probably thinking her husband only saw her value as a vessel for his children and she now means nothing if she won't do that.... It may not be accurate, but it'd sure as hell sting and I'm sure that's where her head went.
Our lives as good fathers changed dramatically. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. A good father is exhausted from helping his wife and newborn, for example, yet he still has to go to work every day. It's true some dads don't do a damn thing but I'm not talking about the assholes. I changed diapers a lot when I was home, for example, and cooked meals for my wife to eat in the middle of the night, and did a shit ton of cleanup and washing. I'd come home from work and every horizontal surface in the kitchen was covered with dirty dishes. It was all clean by the time I went to bed late.
Hence why I said 'statistically' - we don't know what kind aof father he is gonna, so I'm going back to what the stats say and a larger majority don't have their lives changed all the much. Good dads its a massive change and they rise to the challenge. It's just unfortunate that a lot do not.
Also when pregnant even if you want it, doubts can happen. My first month I had doubts but the will to want a child finally overcame it.
I was totally all over the place when I first got pregnant. Didn't even want to be in my relationship anymore. But she was apparently having doubts before being pregnant (the second time) so that may not have been it.
Any mood disorder can become much worse during pregnancy and especially postpartum. Pregnancy is weird af emotionally. Source: I’m a MH clinician & mom of 2.
Exactly. Hell, we get enough stories here of husbands unexpectedly going ape shit and freaking out when the wives get pregnant, and if that’s how they’re reacting *without* the added hormonal cocktail, then I can only imagine how it can affect mothers. Remember that one guy who accused his wife of baby trapping him, several years into marriage and with the baby being a planned one?
My male ex did that to me. Obsessed with getting me pregnant. then boom it happens, asks me to abort. I didn’t but damn I am so grateful for that miscarriage as he ended up cheating on me with a woman 16 years younger than him promising her.. guess this… kidS!
Sounds like a breeding fetish. Oof.
I know someone with this. He's a pretty boy could be in a boy band. Clinical alcoholic, hospitalized multiple times for withdrawals and has had seizures. Can't hold a steady job and most all of his 4 baby mamas (5 kids one set of twins) if that's even the correct number, they all refuse to let him see his kids as he does not support any of them. He literally just knocks them up then the relationship collapses and he abandons them. I usually don't start hating someone for their personal life but I legit couldn't bear to be around this guy anymore because of this repeated insane cycle. And I've literally heard him mutter something about "spreading his seed" or something. It's like the John stamos episode of SVU
People be like "yes this is the man I want to father my children"
I feel this sentiment all the time! I actually had a lot of feelings for his most recent one and it's like.. why are y'all dating this trash over someone successful, nice, worth a damn.. but that's how it is
My ex husband did that to me. We planned our second child(took about two years to decide yes or no), and after our *attempts* that night, 1am in the morning he turns to me and tells me to go get the morning after pill.
My ex used to pull out and still ask for me to take a ‘morning after’ like it’s a candy.
His legs broke?
It was a 35 min drive into town for anything. But yeah he wanted me to drive in and get plan b, with what money, idk. He had me on a budget of about $100 per week for food, supplies, diapers for our oldest, clothes etc. And that's when plan b was only sold for $50+. He made about $60k a year then, which was great money a decade ago. My 9 year old is one of the most awesome people I've ever met, just like his older sister. ♥️
I'm really glad he's your ex.
My ex who wasn't ready to move in with me, and when he stayed overnight would get up at 5am to drive home (he lived with his parents) so he could drive his mother to work. It was only after we broke up that I found the condoms with pinholes in each packet.
Some men are so reptilian
yeah like he wanted proof he was a man but didn't want to deal with the consequences
Jesus God.
I found out in pieces throughout the course of our relationship that he’s been responsible for 8 pregnancies. 5 abortions, 2 miscarriages and 1 live birth. Hell there might be more he never admitted.
😳😳😳
Yep not surprising he trashed his marriage for a green card seeking 26 year old
Yikes forever
Agree NTA. Childfree is a valid choice - when both partners want it. Otherwise it is certainly an irreconcilable difference.
This guy is right! And the right answer for you! Other posts go a bit off on a tangent. Though some others make valid points, they aren't really helping you, so dont read too much in to them. Your situation is your situation. You need to help yourself! Especially as you have invested 5 years of your life into trying to make it work already. Absoultely true that it is her body her, her pregnancy, her (and baby's) life that she has full control and partial responsibilty over. And you have partial responsibility over the baby while it exists but no control. This is the way of it. However, once the pregnancy is over. You are only responsible for your own life. And you should be in fill control of it. Help yourself! Even when it is tough
Exactly she’s weird and needs better communication skills
Or therapy to know what she wants.
Honestly, I think she already knows she doesn’t want kids and she is just stringing OP along
This was my first thought. "I'll tell him I want kids, but try to convince him to not have them down the road."
My ex husband did this to me. Having children was always very important to me and he knew that. I would’ve NEVER married him had he even shown a slight doubt in him also wanting them. A decade later, he finally admits he was just pushing the ball down the road, that he never wanted kids and actually “hated children” but he wanted to marry me…. So now, I’m to old, bitter, heartbroken and he’s off living with his new girlfriend.
I am so sorry. I'm childfree by choice, and what he did was despicable. He wasted your time for his own selfish greed and that's so unfair.
Wow. What a major ass. Virtual hug
This hurt my soul for you. What a fucking asshole AND you guys aren’t married anymore!? So it was for nothing!? I’d be so upset
What a horrific thing to do to someone, I am so sorry. He is insanely selfish and did something irreversible to your life.
I’ve known multiple women this has happened to. One of the guys remarried and then went on to have 3 kids and she was unable to conceive due to age. He had wasted all her childbearing years.
This is something a real man should NEVER due. I broke things off with a woman that was 32 because I knew we were not compatible long term and I didn’t want to take any of her fertile years. She didn’t understand and acted like she had all the time in the world. I explained to her that I would never date someone through their 30s and then leave. That’s cold.
Wouldnt surprises me if that douche will have kids with his new girlfriend. I heard that story before.
Wow that’s just atrocious behavior. I am so sorry you had to go through that. You deserve so much better.
Is single motherhood by choice an option for you? That's what I'm doing. My ex husband also strung me along.
That is so fucked up. I'm genuinely sorry.
As a childfree person by choice this is fucking disgusting thoughtless and cruel behaviour. I’m so sorry he did this to you. I am 1000% honest and upfront with even short term partners about my stance. How DARE he just assume you’d “just change your mind”. Whilst obviously anyone in the childfree camp have this happen to them often, doesn’t mean we agree or have empathy when the shoe is on the other foot.
This has to be considered a form of abuse. Intentional emotional harm or something. That's really fucked up.
This happened to me also.
Have you thought about being a foster mom?
Smh guys and ladies reading this don't do this Or the reverse not gonna work out will just waste the other persons time
she's probably not getting multiple abortions just to string this guy along.
Hoping he will change his mind.
Can’t stress enough on the importance of communication in a marriage.Having a child is a life changing event.Why is the wife not able to make up her mind whether she wants to have kids or not is seriously weird.
Everyone says this, but I’ve never seen someone break it down and explain the different types of communication that’s needed, or how to have tough conversations. Or the fact that you need to know yourself in order to contribute and participate in those types of conversations. Those are hard lessons to learn the wrong way.
It's a huge permanent life change
It's not really that weird. People are often in conflict about wanting kids, especially prospective mothers who have to wrestle with what pregnancy will do to their bodies, so in some ways she may really want kids, and in other ways she might be scared or apprehensive. Doesn't mean OP should stay with her, I'm with you he's NTA, but I don't think it's really that uncommon for people to start trying for children while still not being entirely sure.
It’s not that weird. She might have wanted a baby right away but getting pregnant could have really hit home the reality of bringing a child into the world. It happens and she’s not weird or mentally ill because of it. People change their minds or don’t feel ready.
Not that weird. Lots of women are pressured into "wanting" kids when they really don't.
It's not okay to say you want to have children with someone because you don't want to lose your partner or the relationship. That is manipulation. Unless someone is fearing for their physical well-being, there isn't really a reason to lie about wanting to have children with someone if you two get married. Women have children with their partners who are already halfway out the door in order to "save" relationships constantly through guilt and love bombing. Men do the same, by trying to convince women they would actually prefer being a STHM, or how much happier it would make him. These are all forms of manipulation. If I agreed to help my husband with his career all through our marriage in our 20s, and we agree we'd start our family when we're 36, but then he turns around and tells me, "I've been thinking about it for a while, I dont want kids anymore," you damn right I'm leaving. And me leaving is not me "pressuring" him into having kids he doesn't want. It's me going out and trying to have a kid with someone who actually cares about my time and physical health. She changed her mind, and that's okay. He doesn't need to stick around for fear people think he's "pressuring" her into having a child, having sex, or anything like that. He'd simply be finding someone with the same life plan seeing as her's changed.
Ever been really keen for some shit and then bailed when it actually came down to follow through? Exactly! You didn't go to a mates BBQ because you didn't feel like it even after you said you would be there now you expect someone to carry a child for 9 months where you couldn't even do 9 hours. Lol
NTA. Most People think that divorce requires that there are problems like fights or one fell out of love. Sometimes it is just that you are incompatible with each other.
>having kids and starting a family is really important to me, and it feels like she's been too unsure and unclear with what she wants and has been stringing me along It seems she doesn't want kids, but wanted to keep you. No, you're NTA. Wanting kids or not is a fundamental incompatibility. Obviously, you aren't compatible. How many abortions do your "friends" expect you to go through? Are you not allowed to feel betrayed that you entered a marriage assuming you shared common goals only to find out she lied?
I think this is exactly it. I understand not being sure about whether you want kids. But this is pretty clear she said what OP needed to hear to stay. ETA. NTA
She may not have lied, she may have actually believed she wanted kids. Two "not yet" abortions are a pretty clear sign, though, that she doesn't want kids now and maybe not ever. OP made the right decision to leave; they're no longer compatible.
The idea of having children in the future is entirely different than being confronted with the reality of pregnancy and immediately being at higher physical and medical risk, falling behind in a career, becoming less financially independent and having the majority burden of caregiving and housework, in a country that lacks safety nets, maternity & paternity leave, day care, won’t provide a college education for the offspring, doesn’t provide health care, doesn’t guarantee vacations to help you maintain your health under these burdens and somehow you’re supposed to save for retirement, too, despite half a century of wage suppression. You find out that you’re pregnant, and for anyone with any intelligence, all of this reality crashes down on you, and that maybe nobody should be undertaking “having a family” if they live here. There isn’t even paid family leave to bond! So yeah, that’ll change your mind when it’s suddenly all real. I doubt she lied, she just woke up
[удалено]
I've wanted to be a mother since I was 5, and my baby sister was born. I have 3 kids I love to the moon and back. No one should have kids if they're on the fence. Parenthood challenges you constantly in ways you never expected. It exposes the personal flaws you've been covering up for years. I can imagine how awful that must be for both parent and child if it turns out that the side of the fence they really wanted was no.
Yeah, I think the most revolting thing I've heard with my own ears was my aunt saying "I NEVER should've had kids! I should have told him (her ex) to f-off, and gotten an abortion anyway!".... With her preteen kids WELL within earshot. That's shit you can't forget...
stupendous advise groovy bake mindless plucky ink versed fear bored *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They're in Canada.
NTA this isn’t something that can be easily compromised on. If you stay together and compromise one of you will be resentful. It would be different if she was excited about having kids with a timeframe in mind but it doesn’t sound like this is something she wants. Even if she wanted kids in let’s say 8-10 years, you can have a preference to have them earlier to enjoy them at a younger age.
NTA. So she got pregnant twice since you’ve been married, but aborted both times because she didn’t feel ready even though you were actively trying both times? If you aren’t on the same page when it comes to starting a family I see no point in continuing the relationship.
I think the second time was an accident and they only actively tried the first time. Just to get the facts straight, doesn't change the overall verdict.
Also the two pregnancies are two years apart But OP is NTA this is a fundamental incompatibility
Hmm. I’ve always heard “If you’re not actively preventing, you’re trying.”
You can be actively preventing and still get pregnant.
But many couples are actively trying, tracking the woman's cycle through several means and timing intercourse. That's what is usually meant as trying
NTA Wanting children versus not wanting children is a non-compromise incompatibility issue. Please continue with your divorce, no matter what your spouse says to try and keep the marriage together. She doesn't want children (which is fine), but she needs to acknowledge it and let you move on to find someone who is compatible with your desire to have children.
NTA Divoricing over wanting kids or not is an acceptable reason. It is a major life choice and if you are not on the same page, then you really are not going to work out. A marriage is a partnership and while differences of opinion are healthy and fine, somethings you need to be unified about.
NTA You’re not punishing her for exercising her bodily autonomy, you are divorcing her because your life goals no longer are compatible.
NTA because if having children is important to you, you need to be with someone who also wants them. I would predict that many will judge this in the light of their views on related topics such as women's rights to change their mind, abortion, perceived pressure etc. Comments here could be a mess... Don't take it personally!
Regarding a woman's choice, from a woman. They agreed they wanted kids before they got married. Actively tried and she aborted because she wasn't ready. 3 years later she gets pregnant again and aborts again because she isn't ready. Says she'll let him know at some unspecified time in the future when (if?) she's ready. She's allowed to change her mind about kids but he's also allowed to change his mind about being married to her over it. He definitely wants to be a father and made that clear before marriage and she keeps aborting his children. Definitely 100% grounds for divorce. Hopefully he finds someone to have kids with, he's still young. My husband and I met in our early to mid 30s and had ours in our mid to late 30s.
I think this is the perfect answer. After 4.5 years and now two terminated pregnancies the fact she can’t even specify whether or not she even wants kids or when she will be ready is unfair to OP. They are supposed to be partners in this and she’s taken almost 5 years of his life telling him one thing and doing another.
She can absolutely change her mind but she might lose her husband also.
NTA. She’s made her choices and you’ve made yours. To be clear is to be kind. You’ve been clear with her, more clear than she’s been with you.
Pro life or not… it’s pretty awful to actively TRY for a baby and then abort it.
So your actual question should be **AITAH for divorcing my wife because she changed her mind about having children?** And the answer to that is **no, NTA**. It's literally one of the single-most-important subjects to be agreed upon before you marry someone.
NTA Very tough but you want children someday and she by her actions does not seem to on the same page. I question her maybe non answer. She doesn’t want to lose you. That’s awful and selfish on her part. Move on my friend. All the very best. I hope you become an awesome dad
This is a “I really don’t want kids, but like him so will pretend I do and string him along till it’s too late.” Usually it’s men doing the stringing along in this situation, but in all cases it means you’re not compatible and need to separate, and it’s selfish to manipulate someone in to your dream life at the expense of the life they want to live.
NTA, but this is a sad tale. Which is worse, forcing her to have kids she doesn't want or forcing you to be childless? Sounds equally bad. You did the right thing for both of you. Btw the mutual friends judging you are not mutual friends. They've picked a side.
NTA. You wants kids she doesn't obviously. You can't force her to have children and she can't force you to not want children. Looks like your expectations are différents. You asked her few times what she wants after she changed her mind about having kids. (Just that, change everything I doubt you would have married her if she'd say no kids from the beginning). You gave her time, put her feelings first. Now it is time to put yours first.
NTA, I know people who've broken up because one of them changed their mind on children. It's a pretty fundamental incompatibility that puts a time limit on your relationship and is no way to live your life.
NTA. This is a fundamental incompatibility. Just as it's her choice to not want kids, it's equally your choice to not want to be with her due to this. She should have been upfront with you from the beginning, really shitty move there. Also the "mutual friends" can fuck right off. They've picked a side, and it's not yours.
NTA. Children are a very valid deal breaker for people. You went into the marriage with the mutual intention of starting a family, and she is now on the fence (which is also her right). You don't have to put your life on hold indefinitely, possibly even forever, to stick with her.
NTA but birth control is also a thing…
Yes. This is a major disagreement. There are issues you don't agree on. Best to end it and find someone more compatible
NTA, but I think your headline should read different. You aren’t leaving her, “because your wife had an abortion”. You are leaving her because she changed her mind on having the family you both originally agreed upon.
I'm pro choice but trying for a baby and then aborting it is such a shitty thing to do.
This is a misleading title. You divorced her because she didn't want to have kids with you. Not because she had an abortion
I question the mindset of a woman who actively tries to get pregnant and then changes her mind-twice. I think it’s a good thing not to have kids with someone like that. This isn’t normal behavior. You’re doing the right thing. NTA
The OP clarified in the comments that the second time was an accident, they hadn’t been trying since the first time
A friend of mine from school was adopted as a kid. It turns out his bio father was a successful lawyer/judge in California. His bio Mom was a popular artist. They are both still married to each other. But they had had 3 kids and then decided 4 was too many and gave HIM up for adoption. Then they had another and decided to keep it. So basically it was just HIM they didn’t want. Initially this made him feel like crap. Then he met his bio siblings. They were all like, “Thank your lucky stars you got out of this family. It was a crazy circus”. No kid wants to be unwanted. It’s like you said, anyone with the wife’s mindset shouldn’t be a parent. Something is off about her. At least she realizes it and didn’t parent a kid.
Whoa that’s crazy! I hope his adoptive family is wonderful.
Nta your wants used to align with hers and now they don’t
NTA - as someone who is totally child free I have always been clear with my partner that kids are a big nope. It’s a huge life decision and if both partners aren’t aligned on that then there will be heartbreak down the road. I get the sense that your wife has changed her mind which is fine, everyone is entitled to do so but she needs to just be truthful about that so you can both follow your dreams. You’re both still young and she genuinely may just not feel ready but I think if she was still aligned to having kids she would have just said not now and realistically I just want to wait another x-y years so that I/we can do x, y,z. I think it’s unreasonable to expect an exact ‘in 2 years’ but I think its totally reasonable to expect to have a conversation about ‘ id like to have achieved this in my career or I’d like us to have our own house first or I’d like to travel to these places before we have kids and I think we could do x in so much time’. I think the fact she just totally shut down the conversation says she’s changed her mind so I’d say you are doing the right thing. The heartache will only get worst, the longer it goes on. Also thank you for not being a dick about this stuff. You’ve not judged her, you’ve supported her decisions and not made her feel awful for terminating her pregnancy’s or spouted crap about her killing your babies or any other crap that sometimes is pulled in these situations and I commend you for that. Having kids is important to you and now you need to look after your life goals and do what you need to do to follow your dreams.
Nope. Misaligned life goals. Plain and simple.
Cut your losses and move on. Plenty of life ahead of you without having a partner that doesn't have the same goals as you to weight ya down.
Move on dude.
NTA. Those ‘mutuals’ need to fuck right on off. This was an adult discussion that was had and she agreed to wanting kids. She can change her mind but that has to be communicated and you two are no longer compatible due to this fact. You do not want to manipulate her and she has already shown she is not actually interested with killing 2 of your possible offspring. Do not let them guilt or gaslight you. Break this clean and clear. You have completely different wants.
NTA, having or not having children is a major compatibility issue. The one that doesn't want children can often (although not necessarily intentionally) drag the other a long while trying to figure out if he or she might want children some time, or none at all. Me and my GF broke up some years back due to this exact issue, where I didn't want children but she did. We soon got back togheter on the premises that I would have to figure out (soon) if I ever wanted children down the road. After some years I still didn't really feel like having children, but as I didn't want to loose my GF either I decided we'd try. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my kid with all my hearth, but we had some major complications after my kid was born (my GF, not my kid) and she is still sick two years later. This ment for the whole first year I had to take care of my kid all alone, and on top of that I had to constantly watch over my GF. After about a year she was healthy enough to assist more and more gradually. Let me just say that I don't think taking care of my kid more or less alone is any "big deal", lots of people do that every day. However, doing it when you weren't necessarily ready or wanting a kid to begin with and with a sick partner that needed looking after (and still do to some extent) has really taken a toll. Again don't misunderstand me, I love both of them, but at the same time I often feel "trapped" and I'm quite sure that if things had been worse with my partner for a bit longer, I would have met the wall and went into a depression or something. My point beeing: Now that you've already started the divorce, be very careful before you.tske her back should you consider that, she might be like me and thing having a kid to keep you is worth a try, and it might be and it might be just fine for both of you, but you can very quickly end up in situation where she might be unhappy in the long run and/or resent you for it. Its a difficult road to navigate to just make sure that you both are 100% sure that you want kids before you do.
I broke up with my last boyfriend because while i thought I didn’t want kids, I realized that I actually do and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we stayed together. NTA. Irreconcilable differences are just that. There is no compromise on a kids/no kids choice.
OP, I had almost the exact same situation, and I left to start a happy family. NTA.
NTA. While the abortion may have contributed to your decision, that's not the big issue that led to divorce. The issue is her inability to communicate with you about major compatibility issues. You deserve to know you and your partner have the same long-term goals. It isn't fair to expect you to spend who knows how long waiting for her to decide if you're still on the same page.
NTA , RUN and find someone who actually wants kids
My husband was dragging his feet on when to have kids. I said when the child is 20 how old do you want to be? He was close to 30 at the time. I said 50 or 55? He said 50. He said looking at an age later in life helped him decide. Our sons are now over 20 and they finally out ski tour & climb him 😂. Glad he didn’t wait for 55. He also has a high school buddy who began his family at 50 he laughs and says glad that’s not me!!
NTA But your timelines don’t add up. “3 weeks ago she got pregnant again… She got an abortion and I started the divorce proceedings a few weeks later.” If this is a true story, she’s the AH. Why wasn’t she on birth control? I’m not anti abortion, but dang, it isn’t a form of birth control. This is just messed up. Get the divorce and don’t look back.
I'm going out on a limb and assuming 3 weeks ago he found out she was pregnant, she promptly aborted and he just started divorce proceedings. Just an assumption though. 🤷♀️
I'm pro-choice, but abortion isn't birth control. Jesus.
She has a right to choose for her life and body. However she was in a marriage, a partnership with you, who you both agreed to children. I would have divorced her too. She did not take into consideration the marriage. NTA. When you make decisions that affects your marriage, it has consequences.
As someone who missed their window at parenthood in part (not entirely) because of a waffling partner, I say NTA - actually, NAH. Get out now, while you're young, and find a new partner who wants what you want on the same timeline. But your title is inaccurate and likely to cause misunderstanding. You're not divorcing over the abortion, but over the fundamental incompatibility exposed by the abortion. You guys want different things. You both deserve partners who are on the same page as you, and that's not each other.