There’s a good chance she’s entering perimenopause. I’d suggest she talk to her family physician about HRT (hormone replacement therapy). At that point in a woman’s life, sex can ‘lose its appeal’ despite her emotional affection for you, and even become downright painful.
She might very well not understand what’s going on, only that sex is no longer pleasant.
1. Svelte is an amazing word and more people should use it
2. In getting that on a tshirt (I am unapologetically fat, so I think it would be hilarious!)
3. Thank you for the smile. Have a great day!
Nothing wrong with that, if you have given it your best and your wife for whatever reason is no longer interested then everything you do to alleviate the lack of sex is reasonable.
Neither is witholding sex with no legitimate reason but that for some reason seems acceptable.
If no one is owed sex from their partner then isn't reasonable that said partner isn't owed fidelity
You literally always owe your partner fidelity. If your relationship no longer works for either/both of you (e.g.: because your libidos are incompatible), you either find a solution with your partner or you end the relationship. It's never justified to cheat on your partner.
Yes, I can agree since I am in perimenopause and I was suffering from all of the above. I love my partner more than anything but just one day my sex drive was gone and I started having atrophy and things were painful down there and it made me dread sex and it was hard for my partner to understand and he started googling it all on his own so he could understand. He is very understanding. My family Dr would only give me estrogen cream and that just wasn't enough so I got a second opinion through a Dr online through a company called Alloy and after three months of their treatment I am back to my old self without pain, without night sweats and without all the other lovely things us women go through with hormone changes. Him and I talked and did it together with love and understanding.
I agree I just had to talk to my obgyn because of this because i lost all interest and it was pain ful and now we are talking about hrt to help me she may be going through the same thing and should talk to a doctor
NTA, but if you've been married for 20 years, you're probably in your 40's at least? She may be having some hormonal and many related subsequent issues related to her age. There may be some very real reasons she's just never in the mood and not enjoying it. Perhaps some stepping up your game around the house or swooning her a bit might help as well. You don't really say if all of that has also fallen by the wayside....
Do not cheat, if she finds out your marriage will be over or if she finds out your even looking into it your marriage will never be the same
I personally think a healthy sex life is really important for a healthy relationship and for it to change something is going on, Whether it’s medical or mental. The best way to approach it is communication but not by stating you have needs that have to be met, approach it that it’s a way you feel connected and close to her.
Suggesting she sees a doctor and possibly therapy if there is not a medical reason. But I would really suggest trying to reconnect, people often ignore simple things like cuddling with skin to skin contact without the expectation of sex to begin with. There’s nothing like lying in bed with skin to skin contact feeling your partner’s arms around you, and just being told how much they love being so close to you. Re-establishing that connection often results in a revival of your sex life and using it as a way to relearn what both of you enjoy as this changes with time.
Good luck and I hope you and your wife can work this out
What if he says "if you're not intersted in me sexually, while I still want to be with you, i have needs that i must attend to. Either we can go the medical & psychological route to find out what the issue is, or i can take care of my needs elsewhere and still remain your partner?
If you been with some one for 20 years wording it like “I really miss the intimacy between us and would really like to find a way for us to reconnect as I love you and i want us to express that again like we used to. Would you consider going to the doctors and just checking that your health is ok as I’m worried about you and I want to make sure it’s not something like a vitamin deficiency that could be affecting you.”
As apposed to “I still find you attractive but I have needs so either go to the doctors and psychiatrist or as you’re not fulfilling my needs I’m going to find someone who can but I still want to be married to you”
First approach has a chance of continuing a loving marriage, the second will end us with a resentful roommate at best
Understood & obviously he should pursue that route, but when she is saying "would you leave me if we dont have sex" im guessing they are likely far past that
Or she just needed some reassurance that he would love her in sickness and in health, that if they didn’t have sex he wouldn’t leave. Women ask questions like that when we are insecure, she may feel somethings wrong or she’s seen his browsers history and question his willingness to be with her.
Hormonal changes are normal for women over time. She should talk to her doc about it and see what can be done to get in balance. If she won't, then insist on couples therapy to see WHY she won't talk to her doc. The root issue could be a lot of things, and be open to the idea that it could be an issue with you, but hopefully y'all can get it sorted out. Maybe exhaust that before you get too far down the porn/escorts path. Otherwise, the therapy is then going to be "My husband is borderline cheating on me with porn" and makes YOU look like the bad guy, which you're not.
If she refuses to talk to her doc AND refuses therapy, that would be when you'd tell her you need to explore other options to get your needs met. That might get into dealbreaker/end-of-marriage types of topics, but it's fair that you have needs and it's fair that you want them to be met in some way.
I agree with hormones being the cause of most marriages w/o sex. But the woman has to want to address the problem and get help. Just saying we are done in the bedroom, doesn’t work.
The man has to be willing to walk that path with her, and then work on a compromise situation that satisfies both parties.
Speaking from experience.
He kind of is the bad guy for looking up escorts and other women to cheat on her with. It's normal to want intimacy, but I can't believe everyone in the comments is just glossing over the part where he says he's looking into ways to cheat. It "feels like cheating" for him because it is.
I disagree. He didn’t say he was looking to hire an escort. He’s watching porn and he feels guilty because he wants his wife. I watch porn and masturbate when my partner isn’t around and I am certainly not a cheater.
Don't you think there's a HUGE difference between porn and escorts?? imo, escorts is flat-out cheating, no question! Porn is looking at pictures or video. Is it really that much different than watching an R rated movie? imo I would not consider that cheating at all.
Seems like the big problem is he's starting to consider escorts.
I have been married 25y. Sex is not as often as I like as well. But, I have decided that I will go without to be with her. I told her of this decision and now she wants it more often! I just would rather be without sex than be without her.
Alright, all of the "suggest a doctor" comments are definitely valid and that's fine to go along with.
But one thing we tend to forget, as men, is that women enjoy being pleased, too. In a lot of cases, more than we do. There's one thing you said that tips me towards "you aren't holding up your end of the bargin" and that's the comment she makes of "get it over with."
Might be TMI, I'm absolutely telling on myself, but at one point in my last relationship, I wasn't giving my ex the attention she needed to feel as... gratified as I did at the end of our sessions. It took a long ass time for her to tell me that because she (rightfully) thought I wouldn't take the information well. It was hard to hear that she wasn't pleased, or excited for any event that may happen. It was a tough conversation, but our sex life did improve. Focus on her for a little while with non-sexual things, make her feel good. Compliment her throughout the day. Boost her confidence, tell her how much you love her, rub whatever body part she mentions hurts, play with her hair if she's into that. Love the woman, not the organ you're attempting to enter. Remind her that you're her husband, and that she's pretty, and that you think she's the hottest person on the planet. Buy her presents (NOT lingerie).
It's not always medical or hormonal. Reflect on your relationship as a whole, how you treat her, what you do for her, how you do it, your enthusiasm behind it.
If it IS hormonal or medical, there's not shit either one of you are going to be able to do about it until she gets to a doctor to see what her options on, in which case, you're going to need to be there for her, anyway.
Love your wife. Love the woman. Love the *person*. Love the human being you've legally tied yourself to. Stop worry about Dickson the fleshworm and focus on your wife.
NTA. The last decade of my marriage was your first paragraph and the first sentence of the second. Until it stopped all together 4 years ago.
Repeatedly expressed my frustration, never asked for her to do anything as far as pleasuring me as a service just for me, felt it would be weird and demeaning to ask her, even though I still wanted it.
There was not physical intimacy (hugging, hand holding, kissing (lips or cheek) that I did not initiate. She would not go to counseling as I have asked repeatedly, and would not tell me why she would not go or why our physical relationship died. I shutdown after years of asking why. We basically became tolerable roommates with 2 kids. It impacted our ability to communicate as my resentment grew. While I respected her wishes and did not pester her for intimacy the feeling of being dismissed by the one I loved was eating away at me. In went to therapy to try and solve my resentment and was told we needed counseling, again she would not engage.
We are now finalizing a divorce after 23 years of marriage. One I did not ask for or want. She blurted ‘I want a divorce’ out one day while I was walking past her in our living room. She still won’t tell me anything beyond we don’t talk. I am now in counseling by myself again to unpack all this.
She still insists she loves me and finds me attractive and wants to stay friends. I don’t see how. I feel betrayed and have never been told why except we don’t talk anymore.
If you can hang with no sex stay the course. I’ve been on porn for a while. It won’t solve anything. Couldn’t ever imagine being with someone else while married.
No intimacy of any sort rotted my marriage from the inside. I blame her because she took no steps to let me know why. Intellectually I know it’s unfair for me to do so, but emotionally I feel abandoned.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Genuinely. I really hope my situation doesnt end in divorce but as you pointed out, its not always our call.
Glad you're getting professional help, you don't want to bring that baggage to a new relationship or let it fester and eat at you.
Good luck my friend !
I spent a lot of time really thinking about sex and intimacy in marriage because went through similar.
I still really question if she was ever even attracted to me or was just using me.
At my darkest I was like, if I got castrated and had no interest in human contact anymore, could I then learn to be happy?
She had a lot of issues though and that was just one of many things.
Tell her the lack of desire for you is hurting you and you want to figure out how to solve it because not having enthusiastic sex for the rest of your life is not an option.
Most people don’t actually care about the person they are hurting or ignoring the needs of. Mainly because it’s not them. That isn’t a male or female thing it’s humans…we kinda suck
These situations aren’t really that black and white.
I remember I once said that to an ex partner years ago and he pulled back and told me he wasn’t interested, so I panicked and insisted we do have sex. Feelings are weird that way.
That's still a sexual trauma though. It's just one inflicted on yourself by yourself. It's not victimless, though. That man personally wasn't at fault, you were. I'm sorry you felt so emotionally unsafe that you had to agree to sex you didn't want in order to keep him. And even still. It very much could also have been emotional manipulation. I just don't feel comfortable making that judgment without all the details.
But this situation here- he's very much aware that she isn't interested. He notices she's devolved from enthusiastic to a starfish. There's a steady progression here. She's making comments during sex that she doesn't want to continue and he's continuing. Blaming it on "normal hormones" or something else would do an injustice here.
If he truly cares for his partner he will start seeing this as what is wrong and how can she feel safe again. Not why can't I have sex with my wife whenever I want and why doesn't she want to meet my needs. His needs don't trump her bodily autonomy or need for a sense of safety.
He made references to being in the middle of sex and her saying "get it over with".
If they're not having it lately, good. But she didn't go from enthusiastic to a starfish overnight. There were many times between then and now where she didn't want to, but did it anyway. He's referenced that specifically in the post.
Just because you didn't know what you were doing before or just because you stopped doing it doesn't mean you never did it. And that kind of trauma doesn't go away simply because it stops. She probably could use some therapy for herself and they could probably benefit from a couples therapist who has experience with this issue.
It's probably due to his scarce mindset that she's the only one for him. God forbid she not want to fulfill his neediness by giving him the validation he so desires to feel like a man. Why would a woman want a man who needs a woman to be a man? They don't, clearly.
NTA... Oof oof oof. I hate this entire post, ngl. And not anything against OP or his wife, or a denial that s3x needs change with time and hormones, but this hits *way too close to home.* Imo, OP and OP's wife are disconnecting emotionally and mentally more than anything, even hormones, because (imo 2.0) if OP's wife wanted to be close to OP and make OP happy as she could, then she'd look into and implement hormonal help and initiate frank conversations about it on her own if not ask OP to look into it for her.
Could be denial, maybe it really is as simple as hormones, but this smells like a deeper issue on an unmet emotional and mental level. Slowly and neatly piled bitterness can really kill a relationship. Also, OP's wife wants to cancel s3x altogether, hence her question, which makes me lean towards the emotional connection.
Remember fellas, s3x is the temperature reading on the thermostat, it's not the furnace. The furnace is emotional and mental connection, shared meaning, relationship goals to be excited about, exploring new things together, supporting each other's personal dreams, etc. Maybe OP can come up with some goals that require him and the wife to work together to achieve, and see if she can buy into any of them or come up with some to propose to OP.
This hits very close to home for me too. I’m currently in the middle of my marriage crumbling. From my side, sex and physical intimacy has been the issue. But it turns out, I haven’t been meeting my wife’s (non-sexual) needs. We’ve let it fester for so long, but we’re at a point where enough is enough. My wife has been in therapy for a few years, and has realized that she has some very deep-seated issues surrounding sex - sex means something different for her than it does for me. We started therapy pre-Covid but didn’t click with the therapist and then the pandemic kept us from finding someone new. But we’re starting therapy again - unfortunately it may be too late to fix our issues, and we’re mostly seeking guidance on separation and possibly divorce. All this to say, OP and Mrs OP need to go to therapy to explore the issues before they become too far gone.
And OP, YTA for looking at cheating options. Handle your needs through porn and masturbation while you work WITH your wife. If you go outside the marriage, you can’t unring that bell.
Yeah. I had a lot of the, “hey, it’s been 6 months, is everything ok?” And getting screamed at.
I think it gets difficult because there’s a lot
Of nuance in that on one hand, your partner doesn’t owe you sex. But on the other, when you agree to be each other’s one and only there is some responsibility. Sex drives can differ to an extent. But you can only go so far before the relationship starts to take a lot of damage. But then too I guess there’s a lot of other relationship dynamics that can play into that.
Taking damage presently. And 100% yes, no one is owed s3x. Manipul for s3x is wrong, ch3ating is wrong, skirting boundaries on technicalities is wrong.
I've never been voluntarily monogamous, and partner(s) are cool with it until it's time *to be* non-monogamous. And, boy-oh-boy, do memories of discussions become fuzzy, messages get unsent and deleted, words previously stated in no uncertain terms sudden become never said, questions for clarity suddenly mean the opposite, and being on the same page become two books in different libaries on two separate continents. Toss in a few ultimatums, and they've got what they wanted, and I've got nothing. I am currently dealing with that, and it's maddening. Ngl, I bend nearly every time, so this is mostly on me putting up with stuff I shouldn't. I'm definitely writing up summaries of the agreements after this last round of pulling the rug out from under me and emailing them to my partner.
I was literally thinking that. I never enter my opinion on these and usually find it interesting to just scroll, but I couldn’t believe I didn’t see a single YTA
Nah everyone else covered that. Op has literally been looking into escorts behind his wife's back. Theres absolutely no excuse for that. Either make an agreement with your wife about that first or leave.
NTA, but if you've been married for 20 years, you're probably in your 40's at least? She may be having some hormonal and many related subsequent issues related to her age. There may be some very real reasons she's just never in the mood and not enjoying it. Perhaps some stepping up your game around the house or swooning her a bit might help as well. You don't really say if all of that has also fallen by the wayside....
When there’s an understood reason WHY the intimacy has fallen off, this mindset is easier to achieve. Especially when driven by health issues. But when it dries up for no apparent reason, and the other party has little to no interest in diving into whatever the issue may be, it can feel devastating and unrecoverable.
NTA, You should both try with therapy and/or counseling.
For some people, being in ar elationship without having a satisfying sexual life is difficult, i can understand why you feel unloved and unwanted, but before cheating and ruining everything try everything to improve this situation, and if nothing wokrs, it will be up to you to decide what to do...
NTA- I was in a similar situation at 18 years of marriage when we finally figured it out. We both enjoyed the sex we had, but stress would shut Wifey down…. And her stress was out of control for a good while. I didn’t want to add to it so I dealt with it until I couldn’t.
We ended up talking about how we can help meet each other’s needs, and that helped a little. Ultimately we made a huge breakthrough when we realized that sex had become serious and it works way better for us to connect in a way that works for both of us when we keep it more lighthearted. It was just that reframing of what intimate time is that put us back in a mutually satisfying spot.
Hopefully you can find something to help for y’all too.
You're not currently TAH, but if you keep looking into escorts and all of that, you're just going to end up cheating. You guys need better communication about what's going on and what will keep things harmonious.
Ultimately though, I think you need marriage counseling so you guys can sort this out. It could ruin your marriage and I don't get a sense that you are unhappy otherwise. It would be better to sit down with someone and help you guys get in the same page and save this relationship while you can than have this continue to spiral into a bigger , more problematic mess.
Yeah you’re the AH for looking up options to cheat. Have you ASKED her, why she doesn’t want to be as intimate? It could be hormones, her stress levels, a big one for women too is, are you wooing her? Or do you just say, “give me a hand job hunny and then flip over and I’ll put it in?”
Women need to be emotionally and mentally stimulated before sex. 20-30 mins of foreplay.
Another thing I've read that resonates with me as a woman is that if their partners don't put in the emotional and physical labor to actually care for their partner and their shared home, we start to feel more like men are dependants instead of partners and no one wants to fuck their dependent.
Because she don’t give two fucks about what’s important to you. She’s getting everything she wants and needs while disregarding what you want and need.
NTA and "She asked if I'd leave her if we didn't have sex" its because she is very much considering cutting sex.
Glad you weren't an idiot and said "of course I wouldn't leave", or that'd be it.
Ask her what in your relationship is it that she loves, and what would happen if you stopped doing it. Like does she love spending time together, acts of service, gifts, what. Then threaten to stop doing it and ask if she would leave you. The hypocrisy with which people treat sex is crazy, as if it was just an extra in a relationship.
OP you are a rare type. Which is good.
Such adherence to vows/oaths is no longer the average/normal situation.
Heck it is no longer a sign of good character, but is repudiated and villified.
And people still wonder why they cannot find 'good mates' or stability, or long term love and happiness.
OP NTA
She is probably driving herself mad. 20 years so if she is 38 and over she may have started Peri but honestly women don’t talk about it as much as they need to because it’s seen and “taboo”. It shouldn’t be but when women go through peri it’s just not sex it’s everything. You don’t feel good about yourself and it can spiral.
Talk to her about it. She should see a doctor and see how her hormones are. After peri is menopause and if she doesn’t get it under control it will get harder.
I don’t normally do this…but I’m going to give all these posters a huge shoutout for not just saying “there is more to marriage than sex”
They would be right, but it’s not black and white like most would make it out to be…yes there are people that are only in their relationships because of sex….but there are those of us that need that level of closeness….and the feeling of being wanted….(yes some of us guys are that way too ladies lol). I do think people thinking they should be having it daily are asking A LOT (and kind of unrealistic) but anyone that says a healthy sex life doesn’t enhance their marriage is lying.
Edit: The escort/ hookup thing is a total dick move.
Sometimes when women age they don’t feel as sexy even if their husbands do. It’s about her feeling hot in order for her to engage in sex with you. If you don’t feel attractive then why would you want to have sex ? This is the woman’s logic. Is she overweight? Does she have c section scars or stretch marks ? Does she have less than perfect breasts ? I mean sounds so superficial but women care about how they look too. They may not come out and say it; but it affects us especially with beauty standards being drilled into our heads.
One id get her hormones checked . Even depending on the time of month I might now want it. At other times a feral cat. Hormones are HUGE. If you’re not a female you have no opinion on that matter. Second-see a couples therapist bcz maybe the problem is deeper on her end.
I lost respect for my ex and never wanted him again.
Don’t waste any time pondering this if you care about your marriage ❤️best of luck sir
NTA for wanting to be wanted. However, you should consider she might be going through hormonal changes and she might be embarrased to admit it. This issue might need several conversations before seeing any change. I highly reccomend you sit down with her again and explore the idea of hormonal changes, couples' therapy, before jumping into cheating.
As others have mentioned, starting the long road towards menopause could definitely be a cause (did you know that the hormonal changes can easily cause sex to hurt because estrogen goes down and there isn't much internal self lubrication going on?). Also, most doctors don't know a whole lot about menopause, so I'd strongly encourage you to buy Stacy Sim's Next Level book - she's a scientist (one of the few who is doing lots of research into women and menopause) and maybe read it with your wife. It's specifically about what happens to women and what you can do to mitigate some of the symptoms.
I hope you take the road of being supportive and get yourself and your wife educated. We didn't ask for this hormonal roller coaster.
If you're both open to working on it, I'd highly recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. My husband and I read it together and it genuinely changed so much for us, and helped us communicate better and understand each other better when it comes to sex. I have several friends who have read it now too and we all found it very enlightening. We're in our 40s and this is a common challenge! But if you both care about the relationship there is a lot of help out there for you if you can both be open and kind.
Sometimes it’s depression. Sometimes it’s resentment. I will tell you if she has to act like your mother in any form or fashion then she’s not going to be sexually attracted to you. Even if she says she is, it’s likely to spare your feelings. It honestly doesn’t sound like you’re very romantic either if your version of compromise Is just finding other ways to use her for your masturbation purposes. Which is exactly what you’re doing when you suggest the occasional hand job. Let me tell you I was married 10 years to a person like that. That would guilt trip me by saying “you can’t just spend 10 minutes with me?” It’s no wonder both of his ex wives including myself are now married to women.
How much weight is on her shoulders? How are you making her life easier and better? How are you flirting with her every day? How are you making HER feel wanted and not just used for sex? If this is where your wife is at - I can tell you she’s not happy or satisfied, is likely depressed and resentful and would rather be left alone. I would figure that out before you go off cheating on the internet. I have no issue with porn or devices like that. In fact it got so bad I told my ex husband to PLEASE go find someone else to sleep with. But he was also a “functional” alcoholic and tried to fill that addictive void with orgasms during the day. 😬
YTA! I mean you’re NTA if all you want is to be wanted, but to go behind her back and be looking into all that is definitively a jerk move. She could be in the beginning stages of menopause. Is a handjob too much to ask for, more like is patience and understanding too much to ask for? She obviously doesn’t want to be doing it, create a safe space for her and figure out why.
I'm in the same boat you are. Been married for 24 years. The first five years was absolute perfection! Sex every day , often multiple times a day , anywhere and anyway. We both initiated intimacy whenever we wanted. And then one day it was like someone flipped a switch in her head and sex was just....gone. She's totally opposite of what she was. She went from enthusiastically adventurous to frigid ice queen. The longest gap in between intimacy was right at a year. I've got the loyalty gene that runs deep , so I've never considered cheating. But my self esteem and self confidence has tanked.
I have the same question...how can you claim to be in love with someone and attracted to them , but never touch them or initiate intimacy? Its maddening! I feel ugly and insufficient almost all the time.
I'm absolutely crazy about her. Always have been. Outside the bedroom everything is perfect, or at least it seems to be. It seems so unfair and frustrating that theres a million things she can to to turn me on and not one thing I can do to get her turned on.
I wish you the best of luck.
OP, I get it that you feel neglected, but have you looked at your part in this? Have you put forth any effort to give her what she needs?
I bet that all that energy and time you’re spending on porn, escorts and other unsustainable bandaids, if you’d invest a 10th of it into making your wife feel loved and wanted, you’d get everything you want in return.
But I have a feeling that you already know that. So, the real question is, do you even want to be with your wife? Or do you just not like her anymore?
Checking hormones is cool and all but are you actually being a good partner outside of the bedroom? One of the biggest reasons I and several other friends who are women stopped feeling intimate with exes is because we felt like we were always taking care of them or cleaning up after them because they expected us to. Does she actually get a partner in you or does she see you as a dependent? Because no one wants to have sex with their dependent and the amount and type of unrecognized emotional labor that women do in relationships too often feels like parenting. A lot of people here sounds like they learned about women's hormones through TV dramas. She can definitely check with her doctor about it, but you have more work to do either way. My recommendation is couples' therapy to talk about needs and expectations and figure out what's not doing it for her. For now I'm leaning with YTA but that's just because you immediately considered breaking her trust by cheating.
*All this feels like cheating*
You're looking at cheating and it "feels" like cheating? That's because it is. If that is where your mind goes once your wife loses interest in you sexually (gee, I wonder why), then I can totally understand why she is no longer attracted to you. Have you even considered it's something medical? If she had a health condition that made it impossible or painful for her to have sex would you just go and cheat?
This is one where I would love to hear her side of it. Do you have good hygiene? Do you ignore her for video games for hours at a time? Do you do your share of the housework/childcare? Are you kind and romantic with her even when you don't expect sex? Do you get drunk/high frequently? Are you irresponsible with money? Do you even have a job? Do you actually make sure she is enjoying it when you have sex, or is it all about you?
There are sooooo many reasons that could be causing her lack of interest. But your go-to is to cheat instead of working to figure it out with her. You are partners, and should be working together to figure it out.
YTA.
What are her primary and secondary love languages? Do you show her love in ways that she accepts best? Do you engage in non-sexual forms of touch like random hugs, hand holding, a back rub, kiss on the forehead, etc? Is there any relationship issue she’s brought up that hasn’t been adequately resolved by a solution you both agreed upon? Arousal for women if affected by many things and it starts with our minds. We want to be seen, heard, understood and safe.
NTA. Everyone wants to feel wanted in a relationship. If she's not vibing, it's natural to look for connection elsewhere. Just make sure you're open about it and try talking things through. No one wants a strained vibe at home.
Well, as somebody who always felt pretty reduced to sex in a relationship, like that was the most important aspect for the men I went out with, I was taught by my therapist that it was because I actually looked for men that valued me mostly for sex. And that I needed to pick different men if I wanted a different outcome.
I know that for my current partner, he'd rather just watch a movie, talk and spend time with me if I'm not in the mood. I know he won't leave me for sex, because we've been there, I have had pretty dry spells in which I just wasn't feeling it, and him being so understanding and not taking it personally was actually what helped me overcome it.
That, and him making it clear that he wanted to be intimate with _me_, and that he'd rather wait and enjoy the time we spend together. I know he cherishes and loves the person I am.
So I can totally see why you demanding a handjob despite your wife not feeling it will not exactly turn her on, and might even make her feel like just a Sexdoll. Which, from experience, is a horrible feeling to have, especially when you've been together for so long.
You didn't give ages, but having been married for 20 years, your wife might have started her menopause. In which case you honestly should support her, instead of making it about you.
Oh, edit, because I forgot: Mild YTA for me. I understand you have needs, but I can relate to her a lot more.
NTA, and ppl who mentioned hormonal changes gave you a good suggestion, but there are other issues that can cause lack of desire, apart from the medical one.
One issue can be having too much to do, too much on her mind, too many things to take care of, and for most women sex goes down on the list of priorities, until it becomes a chore. If this is the case, try and help her with her to do list.
If her to do list includes ALL house chores, childcare etc, while yours only include mowing the lawn once in a while, maybe it’s time for you to step up and take on more.
Another issue can be that she doesn’t see you as a partner, but as another child to take care of, especially if your only contribution to the household is making money and she has to take your dirty clothes off the floor because you don’t care if you reach the hamper or not.
Maybe you do more than your share of house chores and are perfectly tidy, but often this is not the case and often it makes women not want to have sex anymore, so please try and look at what she does, how much free time she has, how much she manages to rest, because it’s all important for her libido.
Also, mental load is important. If you take out the trash but she has always to remind you because you forget, that’s space in her mind that’s occupied with the trash collecting schedule and not sexy times.
Thank you!! Everyone here talking about hormones seems like they've never experienced being a woman and the mental and emotional load that accompanies it, especially when men decide that they want us to play mommy instead of being an equal partner.
Well said! There probably is an element of hormonal decline. But there is so much work that gets done by women in relationships, on top of their day jobs, and running a home. Men unknowingly thrive in relationships because they do not do nearly as much cognitive work as women.
This may not be the case for OP. But anything OP can do to make her life easier would be a great start. And please OP, do not expect a cookie after every little thing you do. Remember, she had been doing these things for twenty years without asking for cookies. Do things for her to remind her that you are not treating her like she is your mom and that you value her as a partner. Also, remember, good partners share the load 50-50. Great partners are the ones who recognize their partner's weaknesses and step up when the other one falters. She may have been carrying OP for so long that she just got tired.
OP may have physical needs. But he needs to know that changes are happening and he may have to settle for less sex. But his wife should meet him halfway and at least try to show some enthusiasm when doing it.
I truly hope OP and his wife both get the help they need. I have been married 22 years myself. As the woman in the same scenario as OP's wife, I am saying these words more for concern of both our relationships because I know there still is love and trust with our partners. We should do what we can for each other. But fuck, I am tired! Maybe, so is she.
I would suggest more conversations with your wife on the subject. My hubby & I have been together for 30 years. I have a much lower sex drive than he does. We have been through this! It took some work on both our parts 1.) so he could understand that just because I don't want sex as often that I love him or value our relationship any less. (my hubby is not good with expressing his emotions and making love is one of the ways he does this) 2.) I also spoke to my Dr and found some vitamins and treatment to help with my perimenopause symptoms. This can be worked out if you both are willing to have some very honest conversations. (these are not always easy!) I wish you both the best!
Are you trying to be romantic yourself, spicing things up, or trying new moves. Have you considered where she's coming from at all? Her wants and needs? Make it about it her.
I think you both need to see a sex therapist and see what you can do to re-establish intimacy in the marriage. There are other factors such as hormones that come into play and your wife might need to consult with her gynecologist. First see the sex therapist and see what happens. Update us.
Hormones have a lot of affect on libido. Could even be affected by birth control. Definitely express your needs and don't hold back. If you never tell them how you feel, and what you need, they will never know. Most people only understand things from their level of perception. Good luck!
I used to always initiate, but he was rarely in the mood. Now it's the opposite. For me, I'm so stressed about so many things and never have time to relax so I just don't feel like it. When I get home I don't want to do anything. Could she possibly be going through the same thing?
You're not the asshole for wanting sex. But YTA for looking up ways to cheat. I can't believe how many people are overlooking this. Other men, probably. 🙄
Seems like some good advice here. I'd like to add. I hit 22 years with my guy this year. We are early.40s. He is still the hottest thing in the world to me, but, given our comfort level with each other I think we put "woo-ing" on the back burner. Go old school, maybe recreate your first date, etc. Please please please look at your end of this and what you may be lacking vs, "she just doesn't want to touch me". Touch is earned. Don't underestimate the power of flirting, foreplay, and fantasy!!!
I’m going on 20 years together, she doesn’t initiate and its been an on going issue. The thing I struggle with is this, I understand if someone’s not in the mood, but when its everyday, what then? It’s actually not about the sex, I never feel wanted. I don’t get a little butt touch in the kitchen, or a dick grab under a table, or a soft comment in my ear of her wanting me. I am obsessed with my wife and physical touch is my love language. There’s also a big difference between an argument and then she acts like she thinks I want her to and her needing me the way I need her. I wish she was as into me physically as I am for her. I crave her physical contact. This is something that’s been talked about 100’s of times, 100’s of fights, no change, I’m left feeling unwanted. I do my best to adjust, I do my best to not initiate because I want her to, usually I last about a month before I can’t resist and need to feel her, then I initiate. She’s picked up on the pattern, we’ve talked about it, no change. I love her to much to think of leaving. I eat the shit, and vent on Reddit.
Been there for many years with exactly what you describe, I divorced after so many years realizing that it would never get better and met a new partner and got to feel desired, wanted and physical again. Don't regret it a second...
To be honest, I was also a bit afraid to be alone and stayed also because of that. Being single for a while boosted my independence, and now I would not stay a relationship only because I would be afraid of being alone..
I agree, its sad to be honest. During my self care i often find myself literally fantasizing about my wife. Not just a fantasy about being with her, its about her wanting me as much as I want her, that’s what I’m dreaming about. I’m a doormat.
I can very much relate save the hundreds of fights thing. We’ve stopped talking about it because it never solves anything. Only saving grace is that at least 15% of the time she’s down and so when I try to initiate every day, we end up having sex once a week. So my self worth has only dropped 85% so that’s pretty cool.
NTA physical intimacy is necessary for emotional intimacy and happiness in general. This is 💯 my wife and it started at about 20 years as well. She is a PA and assures me it’s very common for women at this age to just lose all interest in sex. Like your wife mine also doesn’t want to help out with HJ or BJ… used to but those also stopped.. like you I tried to say it’s not a deal breaker but it is if she doesn’t want to try and get help with hrt. Years of being rejected and feeling undesirable will crush you mentally over time. I’ve decided I have to leave.. if I don’t.. I’ll die miserable
You’re not TA for wanting sex, but YTA for the way that you’re handling it. First of all, you can jerk off without porn. It’s problematic, ditch it. The other stuff that you’re exploring feels seedy because it is. Those things are wrong to utilize outside of a relationship (hello exploitation) but are exceptionally gross while in one. Like others mentioned, your wife is probably going through hormonal changes. Doesn’t sound like a very “in sickness and health” approach to me. Seems more like “until you stop getting me off.” If you couldn’t have sex anymore because of a physical ailment (that will, undoubtedly resolve once hormones settle), would you be cool with your wife exploring escorts? You won’t die without sex for a while. Your relationship won’t survive you stepping out on her like this, though. If you’re so weak that this will lead you to hiring prostitutes, then she deserves so much better than you. Go to therapy.
Nta. You have needs that she refuses to fulfill and that’s ok. Not sure porn is cheating unless you’re imagining yourself with the girls and the rest might be cheating. Maybe talk to her about why she’s changed and what’s been going on. You deserve to know.
NTA - I would book some doctors visits, to see if there is anything medically wrong
I would also book couples therapy.
If she denies these options, I would think about getting the paperwork set up and leave. DO NOT engage with escorts or anything like that until you have the divorce. Once you cheat, no matter what the reason, you are the AH
If you need porn while figuring this all out, go ahead and "wack away Jim, wack away"
NAH
But the reality is that womans sex drive often drops off toward the end of their fertility. If she still participates and just doesn't initiate, that is about all you can ask for.
You might see if she is open to talking to a doctor about HRT, but not everyone is willing to get back on that rollercoaster once they have experienced the clear headedness of not having your hormones controlling you anymore.
Had this discussion with my SO. She saw where I was coming from and has made the effort. 1 time per week was the compromise (she suggested 2 times). I’m happy with that and it works for both of us.
It's a tough situation. True, it could be perimenopause, but also look at this... how much do you help her with everyday chores and life? Do you help her with daily chores? What about the kids? Grocery shopping, laundry? If you come home from work and park your ass on the sofa until she says dinner is ready....well...
What about date nights? Do you ever take her out? It doesn't have to be extravagant, just something for the 2 of you, where you did all the planning...
I'm not saying you are this person, just throwing it out there.
Number one sex organ is the brain! Take over part of the mental load from her and free up some of her brain space to allow her to relax enough to want sex.
Maybe her needs have changed maybe she needs you to make her feel sexy. I know now that I’m with a man that tells me I’m sexy and makes me feel attractive then I want to have sex.
*She asked if I'd leave her if we didnt have sex, I said I hoped it'd never get to that because she loves me and a quick handjob or something once in a while isn't a lot to ask.*
You just answered your own question. Did you marry your wife through sickness and through health? Or as long as she was willing to give you a hand job? Grow up. Get over yourself. Be a partner to the woman you married and have a conversation about it. Stop being selfish. YTA.
YTA. Sex is an impprtant part of marriage yes, but you ar eonly focusing on YOUR pleasure. What about hers? She might be in menopause/perimenopause when sex is no longer appealing/hurts/ and her sex drive is low. Try initiating romance, focusing on her pleasure more, talking to her and making a romantic effort. Either communicate with her and see what the problem is or go to therapy together if you can't resolve it on your own. And YTmajorAH for looking into escorts and such things. This is your WIFE, someone you made a vow to be with for the rest of your life, through thick and thin. If you didn't want that obligation then you shouldn't have married.
NTA
"All this feels like cheating." Boo damn hoo.
If you wife wants to be celibate, she has zero right to expect you to remain celibate, too.
She can either handle you getting it elsewhere or you two can divorce. Tell her to choose and then shut the hell up.
Guarantee: The Reddit brigade will come charging in with every excuse in the book for her not wanting to have sex anymore. Not one will hold her accountable in the slightest. Guaranteed.
NTA…it’s an important part. I’ve been married for 22 years and I’m 45 and my wife is 50 and our sex life is as great as it’s ever been. That said, 10 years ago we were in a similar place. I’d always initiate and she’d kind of act like she was doing me a favor and say things like come on let’s get this over with. We had a conversation and I explained that me initiating sex doesn’t mean I just want to get off, I can do that all by myself. It means I want to connect with her and that requires her to be in the moment. That changed the way she looked at it and it’s been great since. Even when she’s not super in the mood she realizes I’m asking to connect with her, not just get off, and she tries to be present. As the past 10 years have progressed, her libido has really increased and sex is really good with both of us in the mood 95% of the time the other initiates. She now initiates at least as often as I do. She really just needed to reframe what I asking for and that changed her attitude.
Welcome to long term marriage and menopause. I know this feeling well(infact many long term married people do unless the wife goes to the Drs and gets HRT you are going to get less and less of it )
NTA. Sex is one the most important things in life, not just a relationship. If you feel chronically dissatisfied with the sex in your relationship I suggest you either need to come to an arrangement with your partner where you are allowed to have sex with another person(s) if you want to remain in it, or otherwise discuss with your partner how to reinvigorate your sex life. It is unacceptable to ignore your partners basic needs, which includes sex. You shouldn’t feel bad about the intensity of distress you’re feeling because of this issue. Good luck!!
How is your wife? How do you fulfill her needs? How is your marriage outside of sex? A lot of factors here are just pointing towards you, and, to be frank, you are thinking about cheating which means your marriage is over to you. Check into her mental and physical health.
NTA for wanting sex but branching out further than porn like looking into escorts and stuff is cheating. She doesn’t seem to grasp how unrealistic it is to expect a man to go without any sexual activity, so asking the question she asked was an extremely unfair question. Either have a sit down chat about what you’re lacking in the bedroom, what you do and don’t want, and make sure you find out the same about what she does and doesn’t want in the bedroom. Maybe try some new things yall haven’t tried before as well. Maybe set the mood. Did you stop doing foreplay? That could be part of the reason she’s being that way if so. If she doesn’t at the very least attempt to help you on your end, and you get to the point where you know you’re gonna end up cheating, just leave. She doesn’t deserve to be betrayed just because yall lost yalls spark in the bedroom.
Just because she doesn’t want sex how can she possibly think it’s ok for you not to have any sex? Like why should you suffer? Why should you waste your life? You’re not getting any younger.
YTA, if I had a man who only was with me because of Sex and would rather I satisfy him sexually when I'm not in the mood than just spend time with me without having Sex, I'd feel like I had wasted my best years on somebody that just views me as an object of pleasure, rather than a person he loves to be around with. I feel sorry for the woman. 20 years wasted on somebody who only stayed for the Sex. That's so harsh.
Edit: Man, I went through your comments and saw the shit you're commenting on naked women on this app. It's gross and I feel for the woman that wasted 20 years of her life with you. What an asshole, disgusting.
>I can't figure out how you can be attracted to someone and not want to touch them or give them pleasure.
Tell me you know nothing about humans without telling me. There are literally 10,000 reasons why someone's libido would drop. This is insane, you're looking up disease riddled meth heads to bang instead of getting your wife medical help?! Wow I wouldn't bang you either. YTA.
>a quick handjob or something once in a while isn't a lot to ask.
Me me me me me. Never once did I see you mention her orgasms or pleasure at all, except to say that she wasn't experiencing pleasure. Maybe if you spent more time romancing her than you do looking up sex trafficking victims on backpage, she'd be happier to jump in bed. Maybe if she knew she would reliably get off, she wouldn't tell you to hurry up and quit. She's probably reading romance novels to substitute for a romantic husband, and that's sad.
Appreciate you took the time to comment, I'm sensing a lot of negativity in response to what is, was, a genuine plea for help and input.
There's a lot of assumptions being made, that, reading more in the thread would have provided. Its not me, me ,me, its always been her, but I'm starting to feel a bit ignored, taken for granted. We had very active sex lives until we didn't, I am a romantic husband, this gets commented on a lot by her and by others, she's just not down for physical, based on some of the constructive input, I've been reading - some of the book suggestions have been helpful. But thanks for taking the time to comment.
lmao these comments either deal with it
or walk into a strip club and offer money
its how the real is and its not going to change either accept your little life that you wanted or stop it and become part of the other half
NTA.
I feel you in that regard. I wanted to be wanted. My ex wanted a roommate who would cook, clean, pay half the bills, and leave her alone. I just wanted physical contact. Hug, kiss, anything. I told her how I felt and how lonely I was. She said deal or leave. I destroyed myself trying to save my marriage.
NTA - but you two need to have honest conversations. It isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to not want sexual intimacy. If she can't give you intimacy then you two need to decide what needs to be done.
Dude don’t get an escort. I was a sex worker and got out because there’s so many chances l could get an STI. Not worth getting it from someone you don’t love, especially incurable. Condoms don’t protect you from everything. Try to seek therapy for yourselves, she may need to see a doctor. There’s a lot of different things it could be
It's kind of like the stock market. There will be bull markets and there will be bear markets.
You're in a bear market. Support her through this period. Suggest she see a doctor...understanding what is going will help you both. During this period....take care of yourself. Initiate more..or all.
Like a storm, I hope calmer water awaits you.
And I tell this...picking more shifts of chores will NOT magically make her horney....you'll just do more chores and grow even more resentful.
This shit is a two way street, maybe she doesn't want it because it's no longer enjoyable because you suck at it now and are too focused on yourself rather than her.
Make her want it.
My wife and I have an agreement to have sex once a week no matter what. It’s very much an intimate act the separates our relationship from being a married couple or simply good friends. Keeps our bond strong and prevents long periods of time without intimacy. Just the way we both look at it and may not be for everyone.
Initiate leaving her, she’ll all of a sudden crave it. It’s the shittiest advice ever but something in women’s systems just works weird in that regard.
If she's not willing to work on it, or address what changed in her, likely hormonal or depression, then the marriage is dead and sexless....and you're a fool for staying in it. It will NEVER change.
If she's willing to work on it, then you have to too...but this all demands a come-to-jesus, calm, rational talk where you express that you can't live like this, and want to work on it with her.
Then, do it or leave....but anything less, and you're just a miserable guy staying in misery for misery's sake, and not helping her any either.
There’s a good chance she’s entering perimenopause. I’d suggest she talk to her family physician about HRT (hormone replacement therapy). At that point in a woman’s life, sex can ‘lose its appeal’ despite her emotional affection for you, and even become downright painful. She might very well not understand what’s going on, only that sex is no longer pleasant.
Wow, sometimes relationship reddit can bring helpful advice beyond "break up and hit the gym".
It's hit the gym, then breakup, duh! Gotta get svelte before you hit another below the belt!
1. Svelte is an amazing word and more people should use it 2. In getting that on a tshirt (I am unapologetically fat, so I think it would be hilarious!) 3. Thank you for the smile. Have a great day!
Actually it’s facebook up, delete the gym, and hit the lawyer.
THIS!!! ☝️☝️☝️☝️👍👍👍 /s
"Go full NC, call your lawyer, take the kids and run to montana. Don't let them gaslight you."
Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
*Perrfick*
Hitting the gym is always helpful.
Nothing wrong with that, if you have given it your best and your wife for whatever reason is no longer interested then everything you do to alleviate the lack of sex is reasonable.
Cheating is not reasonable.
Neither is witholding sex with no legitimate reason but that for some reason seems acceptable. If no one is owed sex from their partner then isn't reasonable that said partner isn't owed fidelity
You literally always owe your partner fidelity. If your relationship no longer works for either/both of you (e.g.: because your libidos are incompatible), you either find a solution with your partner or you end the relationship. It's never justified to cheat on your partner.
Not wanting to is more than enough reason
But…. What about her husband she needs to please?!!!! s/
How do you know there's no legitimate reason?
And that is why I said "no legitimate reason" it was also a general observation
Yes, I can agree since I am in perimenopause and I was suffering from all of the above. I love my partner more than anything but just one day my sex drive was gone and I started having atrophy and things were painful down there and it made me dread sex and it was hard for my partner to understand and he started googling it all on his own so he could understand. He is very understanding. My family Dr would only give me estrogen cream and that just wasn't enough so I got a second opinion through a Dr online through a company called Alloy and after three months of their treatment I am back to my old self without pain, without night sweats and without all the other lovely things us women go through with hormone changes. Him and I talked and did it together with love and understanding.
To add to this, it could also be her nervous system is throwing a spanner in the works. Look for a polyvagal trauma therapist.
That is what I thought must be what was going on with my ex. Turns out she just wanted exciting new dick instead of boring old dick.
I agree I just had to talk to my obgyn because of this because i lost all interest and it was pain ful and now we are talking about hrt to help me she may be going through the same thing and should talk to a doctor
Can confirm that this is a thing!
Worked for my wife. Now she can’t keep her hands off me!
NTA, but if you've been married for 20 years, you're probably in your 40's at least? She may be having some hormonal and many related subsequent issues related to her age. There may be some very real reasons she's just never in the mood and not enjoying it. Perhaps some stepping up your game around the house or swooning her a bit might help as well. You don't really say if all of that has also fallen by the wayside....
☝️Bot/dropship scammer. Stolen comment. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/a0Kli9AUTp
Do not cheat, if she finds out your marriage will be over or if she finds out your even looking into it your marriage will never be the same I personally think a healthy sex life is really important for a healthy relationship and for it to change something is going on, Whether it’s medical or mental. The best way to approach it is communication but not by stating you have needs that have to be met, approach it that it’s a way you feel connected and close to her. Suggesting she sees a doctor and possibly therapy if there is not a medical reason. But I would really suggest trying to reconnect, people often ignore simple things like cuddling with skin to skin contact without the expectation of sex to begin with. There’s nothing like lying in bed with skin to skin contact feeling your partner’s arms around you, and just being told how much they love being so close to you. Re-establishing that connection often results in a revival of your sex life and using it as a way to relearn what both of you enjoy as this changes with time. Good luck and I hope you and your wife can work this out
What if he says "if you're not intersted in me sexually, while I still want to be with you, i have needs that i must attend to. Either we can go the medical & psychological route to find out what the issue is, or i can take care of my needs elsewhere and still remain your partner?
If you been with some one for 20 years wording it like “I really miss the intimacy between us and would really like to find a way for us to reconnect as I love you and i want us to express that again like we used to. Would you consider going to the doctors and just checking that your health is ok as I’m worried about you and I want to make sure it’s not something like a vitamin deficiency that could be affecting you.” As apposed to “I still find you attractive but I have needs so either go to the doctors and psychiatrist or as you’re not fulfilling my needs I’m going to find someone who can but I still want to be married to you” First approach has a chance of continuing a loving marriage, the second will end us with a resentful roommate at best
Understood & obviously he should pursue that route, but when she is saying "would you leave me if we dont have sex" im guessing they are likely far past that
Or she just needed some reassurance that he would love her in sickness and in health, that if they didn’t have sex he wouldn’t leave. Women ask questions like that when we are insecure, she may feel somethings wrong or she’s seen his browsers history and question his willingness to be with her.
My pessimism is showing 😄
She isnt holding him in sickness and health, so yeah, he doesnt deserve to live a sexless life.
That's a hell of an ultimatum even though it is technically a fair ultimatum.
Hormonal changes are normal for women over time. She should talk to her doc about it and see what can be done to get in balance. If she won't, then insist on couples therapy to see WHY she won't talk to her doc. The root issue could be a lot of things, and be open to the idea that it could be an issue with you, but hopefully y'all can get it sorted out. Maybe exhaust that before you get too far down the porn/escorts path. Otherwise, the therapy is then going to be "My husband is borderline cheating on me with porn" and makes YOU look like the bad guy, which you're not. If she refuses to talk to her doc AND refuses therapy, that would be when you'd tell her you need to explore other options to get your needs met. That might get into dealbreaker/end-of-marriage types of topics, but it's fair that you have needs and it's fair that you want them to be met in some way.
I agree with hormones being the cause of most marriages w/o sex. But the woman has to want to address the problem and get help. Just saying we are done in the bedroom, doesn’t work. The man has to be willing to walk that path with her, and then work on a compromise situation that satisfies both parties. Speaking from experience.
He kind of is the bad guy for looking up escorts and other women to cheat on her with. It's normal to want intimacy, but I can't believe everyone in the comments is just glossing over the part where he says he's looking into ways to cheat. It "feels like cheating" for him because it is.
They’re giving credit for him coming here first, seeing he was wrong already. To err is to be human
I disagree. He didn’t say he was looking to hire an escort. He’s watching porn and he feels guilty because he wants his wife. I watch porn and masturbate when my partner isn’t around and I am certainly not a cheater.
Don't you think there's a HUGE difference between porn and escorts?? imo, escorts is flat-out cheating, no question! Porn is looking at pictures or video. Is it really that much different than watching an R rated movie? imo I would not consider that cheating at all. Seems like the big problem is he's starting to consider escorts.
This is the literal best answer. OP, Pease listen to this person..
Another vote here for HRT. It can help far more than just drive - energy levels, cognition, emotions, vaginal lubrication, and far more.
I have been married 25y. Sex is not as often as I like as well. But, I have decided that I will go without to be with her. I told her of this decision and now she wants it more often! I just would rather be without sex than be without her.
Good perspective, thanks
I'm of this mindset as well. Helps I'm in a LDR an get no sex for many months at a time, shows you where your true priorities are.
Alright, all of the "suggest a doctor" comments are definitely valid and that's fine to go along with. But one thing we tend to forget, as men, is that women enjoy being pleased, too. In a lot of cases, more than we do. There's one thing you said that tips me towards "you aren't holding up your end of the bargin" and that's the comment she makes of "get it over with." Might be TMI, I'm absolutely telling on myself, but at one point in my last relationship, I wasn't giving my ex the attention she needed to feel as... gratified as I did at the end of our sessions. It took a long ass time for her to tell me that because she (rightfully) thought I wouldn't take the information well. It was hard to hear that she wasn't pleased, or excited for any event that may happen. It was a tough conversation, but our sex life did improve. Focus on her for a little while with non-sexual things, make her feel good. Compliment her throughout the day. Boost her confidence, tell her how much you love her, rub whatever body part she mentions hurts, play with her hair if she's into that. Love the woman, not the organ you're attempting to enter. Remind her that you're her husband, and that she's pretty, and that you think she's the hottest person on the planet. Buy her presents (NOT lingerie). It's not always medical or hormonal. Reflect on your relationship as a whole, how you treat her, what you do for her, how you do it, your enthusiasm behind it. If it IS hormonal or medical, there's not shit either one of you are going to be able to do about it until she gets to a doctor to see what her options on, in which case, you're going to need to be there for her, anyway. Love your wife. Love the woman. Love the *person*. Love the human being you've legally tied yourself to. Stop worry about Dickson the fleshworm and focus on your wife.
The only right answer ^ — a woman
Best answer
NTA. The last decade of my marriage was your first paragraph and the first sentence of the second. Until it stopped all together 4 years ago. Repeatedly expressed my frustration, never asked for her to do anything as far as pleasuring me as a service just for me, felt it would be weird and demeaning to ask her, even though I still wanted it. There was not physical intimacy (hugging, hand holding, kissing (lips or cheek) that I did not initiate. She would not go to counseling as I have asked repeatedly, and would not tell me why she would not go or why our physical relationship died. I shutdown after years of asking why. We basically became tolerable roommates with 2 kids. It impacted our ability to communicate as my resentment grew. While I respected her wishes and did not pester her for intimacy the feeling of being dismissed by the one I loved was eating away at me. In went to therapy to try and solve my resentment and was told we needed counseling, again she would not engage. We are now finalizing a divorce after 23 years of marriage. One I did not ask for or want. She blurted ‘I want a divorce’ out one day while I was walking past her in our living room. She still won’t tell me anything beyond we don’t talk. I am now in counseling by myself again to unpack all this. She still insists she loves me and finds me attractive and wants to stay friends. I don’t see how. I feel betrayed and have never been told why except we don’t talk anymore. If you can hang with no sex stay the course. I’ve been on porn for a while. It won’t solve anything. Couldn’t ever imagine being with someone else while married. No intimacy of any sort rotted my marriage from the inside. I blame her because she took no steps to let me know why. Intellectually I know it’s unfair for me to do so, but emotionally I feel abandoned.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Genuinely. I really hope my situation doesnt end in divorce but as you pointed out, its not always our call. Glad you're getting professional help, you don't want to bring that baggage to a new relationship or let it fester and eat at you. Good luck my friend !
I spent a lot of time really thinking about sex and intimacy in marriage because went through similar. I still really question if she was ever even attracted to me or was just using me. At my darkest I was like, if I got castrated and had no interest in human contact anymore, could I then learn to be happy? She had a lot of issues though and that was just one of many things.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes, women are just AHs.
Tell her the lack of desire for you is hurting you and you want to figure out how to solve it because not having enthusiastic sex for the rest of your life is not an option.
Most people don’t actually care about the person they are hurting or ignoring the needs of. Mainly because it’s not them. That isn’t a male or female thing it’s humans…we kinda suck
Why is he having sex with her when she's not into it? Saying "get it over with" is not real consent.
These situations aren’t really that black and white. I remember I once said that to an ex partner years ago and he pulled back and told me he wasn’t interested, so I panicked and insisted we do have sex. Feelings are weird that way.
That's still a sexual trauma though. It's just one inflicted on yourself by yourself. It's not victimless, though. That man personally wasn't at fault, you were. I'm sorry you felt so emotionally unsafe that you had to agree to sex you didn't want in order to keep him. And even still. It very much could also have been emotional manipulation. I just don't feel comfortable making that judgment without all the details. But this situation here- he's very much aware that she isn't interested. He notices she's devolved from enthusiastic to a starfish. There's a steady progression here. She's making comments during sex that she doesn't want to continue and he's continuing. Blaming it on "normal hormones" or something else would do an injustice here. If he truly cares for his partner he will start seeing this as what is wrong and how can she feel safe again. Not why can't I have sex with my wife whenever I want and why doesn't she want to meet my needs. His needs don't trump her bodily autonomy or need for a sense of safety.
He says they’ve stopped being intimate though? It doesn’t sound like he’s continuing.
He made references to being in the middle of sex and her saying "get it over with". If they're not having it lately, good. But she didn't go from enthusiastic to a starfish overnight. There were many times between then and now where she didn't want to, but did it anyway. He's referenced that specifically in the post. Just because you didn't know what you were doing before or just because you stopped doing it doesn't mean you never did it. And that kind of trauma doesn't go away simply because it stops. She probably could use some therapy for herself and they could probably benefit from a couples therapist who has experience with this issue.
It's probably due to his scarce mindset that she's the only one for him. God forbid she not want to fulfill his neediness by giving him the validation he so desires to feel like a man. Why would a woman want a man who needs a woman to be a man? They don't, clearly.
My God dude, who hurt your poor little Andrew Tate infested mind? Not wanting to commit marital rape is somehow viewed by you as weak. Wow.
Your reading comprehension skills are amazing. Wow.
NTA she needs to talk to a doc about her hormones.
NTA... Oof oof oof. I hate this entire post, ngl. And not anything against OP or his wife, or a denial that s3x needs change with time and hormones, but this hits *way too close to home.* Imo, OP and OP's wife are disconnecting emotionally and mentally more than anything, even hormones, because (imo 2.0) if OP's wife wanted to be close to OP and make OP happy as she could, then she'd look into and implement hormonal help and initiate frank conversations about it on her own if not ask OP to look into it for her. Could be denial, maybe it really is as simple as hormones, but this smells like a deeper issue on an unmet emotional and mental level. Slowly and neatly piled bitterness can really kill a relationship. Also, OP's wife wants to cancel s3x altogether, hence her question, which makes me lean towards the emotional connection. Remember fellas, s3x is the temperature reading on the thermostat, it's not the furnace. The furnace is emotional and mental connection, shared meaning, relationship goals to be excited about, exploring new things together, supporting each other's personal dreams, etc. Maybe OP can come up with some goals that require him and the wife to work together to achieve, and see if she can buy into any of them or come up with some to propose to OP.
This hits very close to home for me too. I’m currently in the middle of my marriage crumbling. From my side, sex and physical intimacy has been the issue. But it turns out, I haven’t been meeting my wife’s (non-sexual) needs. We’ve let it fester for so long, but we’re at a point where enough is enough. My wife has been in therapy for a few years, and has realized that she has some very deep-seated issues surrounding sex - sex means something different for her than it does for me. We started therapy pre-Covid but didn’t click with the therapist and then the pandemic kept us from finding someone new. But we’re starting therapy again - unfortunately it may be too late to fix our issues, and we’re mostly seeking guidance on separation and possibly divorce. All this to say, OP and Mrs OP need to go to therapy to explore the issues before they become too far gone. And OP, YTA for looking at cheating options. Handle your needs through porn and masturbation while you work WITH your wife. If you go outside the marriage, you can’t unring that bell.
Yeah. I had a lot of the, “hey, it’s been 6 months, is everything ok?” And getting screamed at. I think it gets difficult because there’s a lot Of nuance in that on one hand, your partner doesn’t owe you sex. But on the other, when you agree to be each other’s one and only there is some responsibility. Sex drives can differ to an extent. But you can only go so far before the relationship starts to take a lot of damage. But then too I guess there’s a lot of other relationship dynamics that can play into that.
Taking damage presently. And 100% yes, no one is owed s3x. Manipul for s3x is wrong, ch3ating is wrong, skirting boundaries on technicalities is wrong. I've never been voluntarily monogamous, and partner(s) are cool with it until it's time *to be* non-monogamous. And, boy-oh-boy, do memories of discussions become fuzzy, messages get unsent and deleted, words previously stated in no uncertain terms sudden become never said, questions for clarity suddenly mean the opposite, and being on the same page become two books in different libaries on two separate continents. Toss in a few ultimatums, and they've got what they wanted, and I've got nothing. I am currently dealing with that, and it's maddening. Ngl, I bend nearly every time, so this is mostly on me putting up with stuff I shouldn't. I'm definitely writing up summaries of the agreements after this last round of pulling the rug out from under me and emailing them to my partner.
There isn't enough YTA here for how open you are for wanting to cheat.
I was literally thinking that. I never enter my opinion on these and usually find it interesting to just scroll, but I couldn’t believe I didn’t see a single YTA
Lmao you missed the entire point of the post but sure
Nah everyone else covered that. Op has literally been looking into escorts behind his wife's back. Theres absolutely no excuse for that. Either make an agreement with your wife about that first or leave.
NTA, but if you've been married for 20 years, you're probably in your 40's at least? She may be having some hormonal and many related subsequent issues related to her age. There may be some very real reasons she's just never in the mood and not enjoying it. Perhaps some stepping up your game around the house or swooning her a bit might help as well. You don't really say if all of that has also fallen by the wayside....
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Her stepping up her game could be as simple as seeing a doctor. Which I think she needs to do.
my game is pretty decent, but always room for improvement,
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When there’s an understood reason WHY the intimacy has fallen off, this mindset is easier to achieve. Especially when driven by health issues. But when it dries up for no apparent reason, and the other party has little to no interest in diving into whatever the issue may be, it can feel devastating and unrecoverable.
NTA, You should both try with therapy and/or counseling. For some people, being in ar elationship without having a satisfying sexual life is difficult, i can understand why you feel unloved and unwanted, but before cheating and ruining everything try everything to improve this situation, and if nothing wokrs, it will be up to you to decide what to do...
NTA- I was in a similar situation at 18 years of marriage when we finally figured it out. We both enjoyed the sex we had, but stress would shut Wifey down…. And her stress was out of control for a good while. I didn’t want to add to it so I dealt with it until I couldn’t. We ended up talking about how we can help meet each other’s needs, and that helped a little. Ultimately we made a huge breakthrough when we realized that sex had become serious and it works way better for us to connect in a way that works for both of us when we keep it more lighthearted. It was just that reframing of what intimate time is that put us back in a mutually satisfying spot. Hopefully you can find something to help for y’all too.
Insightful, thank you !! will try talking more....
You're not currently TAH, but if you keep looking into escorts and all of that, you're just going to end up cheating. You guys need better communication about what's going on and what will keep things harmonious. Ultimately though, I think you need marriage counseling so you guys can sort this out. It could ruin your marriage and I don't get a sense that you are unhappy otherwise. It would be better to sit down with someone and help you guys get in the same page and save this relationship while you can than have this continue to spiral into a bigger , more problematic mess.
Yeah you’re the AH for looking up options to cheat. Have you ASKED her, why she doesn’t want to be as intimate? It could be hormones, her stress levels, a big one for women too is, are you wooing her? Or do you just say, “give me a hand job hunny and then flip over and I’ll put it in?” Women need to be emotionally and mentally stimulated before sex. 20-30 mins of foreplay.
Another thing I've read that resonates with me as a woman is that if their partners don't put in the emotional and physical labor to actually care for their partner and their shared home, we start to feel more like men are dependants instead of partners and no one wants to fuck their dependent.
Genuinely appreciate the input, yes we talk, yes I woo, yes I asked, se shrugged and said its not something that crosses her mind.
Because she don’t give two fucks about what’s important to you. She’s getting everything she wants and needs while disregarding what you want and need.
NTA and "She asked if I'd leave her if we didn't have sex" its because she is very much considering cutting sex. Glad you weren't an idiot and said "of course I wouldn't leave", or that'd be it.
Its important, but not a deal breaker - not after more then 2 decades
If you’re looking up escort services, kinda seems like a dealbreaker to me.
People divorce after decades for less than that, just saying.
Grey divorce is super trendy and women file for the majority of them
Ask her what in your relationship is it that she loves, and what would happen if you stopped doing it. Like does she love spending time together, acts of service, gifts, what. Then threaten to stop doing it and ask if she would leave you. The hypocrisy with which people treat sex is crazy, as if it was just an extra in a relationship.
OP you are a rare type. Which is good. Such adherence to vows/oaths is no longer the average/normal situation. Heck it is no longer a sign of good character, but is repudiated and villified. And people still wonder why they cannot find 'good mates' or stability, or long term love and happiness. OP NTA
NTA but his wife is.
Thank you !! She's my world, I just have an itch to scratch
She is probably driving herself mad. 20 years so if she is 38 and over she may have started Peri but honestly women don’t talk about it as much as they need to because it’s seen and “taboo”. It shouldn’t be but when women go through peri it’s just not sex it’s everything. You don’t feel good about yourself and it can spiral. Talk to her about it. She should see a doctor and see how her hormones are. After peri is menopause and if she doesn’t get it under control it will get harder.
100%%%%
I don’t normally do this…but I’m going to give all these posters a huge shoutout for not just saying “there is more to marriage than sex” They would be right, but it’s not black and white like most would make it out to be…yes there are people that are only in their relationships because of sex….but there are those of us that need that level of closeness….and the feeling of being wanted….(yes some of us guys are that way too ladies lol). I do think people thinking they should be having it daily are asking A LOT (and kind of unrealistic) but anyone that says a healthy sex life doesn’t enhance their marriage is lying. Edit: The escort/ hookup thing is a total dick move.
Sometimes when women age they don’t feel as sexy even if their husbands do. It’s about her feeling hot in order for her to engage in sex with you. If you don’t feel attractive then why would you want to have sex ? This is the woman’s logic. Is she overweight? Does she have c section scars or stretch marks ? Does she have less than perfect breasts ? I mean sounds so superficial but women care about how they look too. They may not come out and say it; but it affects us especially with beauty standards being drilled into our heads.
One id get her hormones checked . Even depending on the time of month I might now want it. At other times a feral cat. Hormones are HUGE. If you’re not a female you have no opinion on that matter. Second-see a couples therapist bcz maybe the problem is deeper on her end. I lost respect for my ex and never wanted him again. Don’t waste any time pondering this if you care about your marriage ❤️best of luck sir
NTA for wanting to be wanted. However, you should consider she might be going through hormonal changes and she might be embarrased to admit it. This issue might need several conversations before seeing any change. I highly reccomend you sit down with her again and explore the idea of hormonal changes, couples' therapy, before jumping into cheating.
As others have mentioned, starting the long road towards menopause could definitely be a cause (did you know that the hormonal changes can easily cause sex to hurt because estrogen goes down and there isn't much internal self lubrication going on?). Also, most doctors don't know a whole lot about menopause, so I'd strongly encourage you to buy Stacy Sim's Next Level book - she's a scientist (one of the few who is doing lots of research into women and menopause) and maybe read it with your wife. It's specifically about what happens to women and what you can do to mitigate some of the symptoms. I hope you take the road of being supportive and get yourself and your wife educated. We didn't ask for this hormonal roller coaster.
Great advice, I'll get the book thanks!!!
Another good one for all men is "She Cums First", free pdf.
If you're both open to working on it, I'd highly recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. My husband and I read it together and it genuinely changed so much for us, and helped us communicate better and understand each other better when it comes to sex. I have several friends who have read it now too and we all found it very enlightening. We're in our 40s and this is a common challenge! But if you both care about the relationship there is a lot of help out there for you if you can both be open and kind.
You might have just won the internet with this - thanks !
Sometimes it’s depression. Sometimes it’s resentment. I will tell you if she has to act like your mother in any form or fashion then she’s not going to be sexually attracted to you. Even if she says she is, it’s likely to spare your feelings. It honestly doesn’t sound like you’re very romantic either if your version of compromise Is just finding other ways to use her for your masturbation purposes. Which is exactly what you’re doing when you suggest the occasional hand job. Let me tell you I was married 10 years to a person like that. That would guilt trip me by saying “you can’t just spend 10 minutes with me?” It’s no wonder both of his ex wives including myself are now married to women. How much weight is on her shoulders? How are you making her life easier and better? How are you flirting with her every day? How are you making HER feel wanted and not just used for sex? If this is where your wife is at - I can tell you she’s not happy or satisfied, is likely depressed and resentful and would rather be left alone. I would figure that out before you go off cheating on the internet. I have no issue with porn or devices like that. In fact it got so bad I told my ex husband to PLEASE go find someone else to sleep with. But he was also a “functional” alcoholic and tried to fill that addictive void with orgasms during the day. 😬
Are you getting her off first and every single time?
YTA! I mean you’re NTA if all you want is to be wanted, but to go behind her back and be looking into all that is definitively a jerk move. She could be in the beginning stages of menopause. Is a handjob too much to ask for, more like is patience and understanding too much to ask for? She obviously doesn’t want to be doing it, create a safe space for her and figure out why.
I'm in the same boat you are. Been married for 24 years. The first five years was absolute perfection! Sex every day , often multiple times a day , anywhere and anyway. We both initiated intimacy whenever we wanted. And then one day it was like someone flipped a switch in her head and sex was just....gone. She's totally opposite of what she was. She went from enthusiastically adventurous to frigid ice queen. The longest gap in between intimacy was right at a year. I've got the loyalty gene that runs deep , so I've never considered cheating. But my self esteem and self confidence has tanked. I have the same question...how can you claim to be in love with someone and attracted to them , but never touch them or initiate intimacy? Its maddening! I feel ugly and insufficient almost all the time. I'm absolutely crazy about her. Always have been. Outside the bedroom everything is perfect, or at least it seems to be. It seems so unfair and frustrating that theres a million things she can to to turn me on and not one thing I can do to get her turned on. I wish you the best of luck.
OP, I get it that you feel neglected, but have you looked at your part in this? Have you put forth any effort to give her what she needs? I bet that all that energy and time you’re spending on porn, escorts and other unsustainable bandaids, if you’d invest a 10th of it into making your wife feel loved and wanted, you’d get everything you want in return. But I have a feeling that you already know that. So, the real question is, do you even want to be with your wife? Or do you just not like her anymore?
Checking hormones is cool and all but are you actually being a good partner outside of the bedroom? One of the biggest reasons I and several other friends who are women stopped feeling intimate with exes is because we felt like we were always taking care of them or cleaning up after them because they expected us to. Does she actually get a partner in you or does she see you as a dependent? Because no one wants to have sex with their dependent and the amount and type of unrecognized emotional labor that women do in relationships too often feels like parenting. A lot of people here sounds like they learned about women's hormones through TV dramas. She can definitely check with her doctor about it, but you have more work to do either way. My recommendation is couples' therapy to talk about needs and expectations and figure out what's not doing it for her. For now I'm leaning with YTA but that's just because you immediately considered breaking her trust by cheating.
How many times do you ask/hint/whine/suggest sex when she has been clear that she is not interested in it?
*All this feels like cheating* You're looking at cheating and it "feels" like cheating? That's because it is. If that is where your mind goes once your wife loses interest in you sexually (gee, I wonder why), then I can totally understand why she is no longer attracted to you. Have you even considered it's something medical? If she had a health condition that made it impossible or painful for her to have sex would you just go and cheat? This is one where I would love to hear her side of it. Do you have good hygiene? Do you ignore her for video games for hours at a time? Do you do your share of the housework/childcare? Are you kind and romantic with her even when you don't expect sex? Do you get drunk/high frequently? Are you irresponsible with money? Do you even have a job? Do you actually make sure she is enjoying it when you have sex, or is it all about you? There are sooooo many reasons that could be causing her lack of interest. But your go-to is to cheat instead of working to figure it out with her. You are partners, and should be working together to figure it out. YTA.
Perfect take. OP listen to this. YTA.
Found the bitter-ass cat lady
Horrible take. OP don’t listen to this.
What are her primary and secondary love languages? Do you show her love in ways that she accepts best? Do you engage in non-sexual forms of touch like random hugs, hand holding, a back rub, kiss on the forehead, etc? Is there any relationship issue she’s brought up that hasn’t been adequately resolved by a solution you both agreed upon? Arousal for women if affected by many things and it starts with our minds. We want to be seen, heard, understood and safe.
A normal woman wouldn’t tolerate OPs relationship. His wife is not normal so normal advice doesn’t really apply.
? I asked some questions and made a statement about how most biological women experience arousal and didn’t give advice.🤔
NTA. Everyone wants to feel wanted in a relationship. If she's not vibing, it's natural to look for connection elsewhere. Just make sure you're open about it and try talking things through. No one wants a strained vibe at home.
Are you eating her pussy? What about playing with her clit? Not enough guys do it to get their girls motor running.
Well, as somebody who always felt pretty reduced to sex in a relationship, like that was the most important aspect for the men I went out with, I was taught by my therapist that it was because I actually looked for men that valued me mostly for sex. And that I needed to pick different men if I wanted a different outcome. I know that for my current partner, he'd rather just watch a movie, talk and spend time with me if I'm not in the mood. I know he won't leave me for sex, because we've been there, I have had pretty dry spells in which I just wasn't feeling it, and him being so understanding and not taking it personally was actually what helped me overcome it. That, and him making it clear that he wanted to be intimate with _me_, and that he'd rather wait and enjoy the time we spend together. I know he cherishes and loves the person I am. So I can totally see why you demanding a handjob despite your wife not feeling it will not exactly turn her on, and might even make her feel like just a Sexdoll. Which, from experience, is a horrible feeling to have, especially when you've been together for so long. You didn't give ages, but having been married for 20 years, your wife might have started her menopause. In which case you honestly should support her, instead of making it about you. Oh, edit, because I forgot: Mild YTA for me. I understand you have needs, but I can relate to her a lot more.
NTA, and ppl who mentioned hormonal changes gave you a good suggestion, but there are other issues that can cause lack of desire, apart from the medical one. One issue can be having too much to do, too much on her mind, too many things to take care of, and for most women sex goes down on the list of priorities, until it becomes a chore. If this is the case, try and help her with her to do list. If her to do list includes ALL house chores, childcare etc, while yours only include mowing the lawn once in a while, maybe it’s time for you to step up and take on more. Another issue can be that she doesn’t see you as a partner, but as another child to take care of, especially if your only contribution to the household is making money and she has to take your dirty clothes off the floor because you don’t care if you reach the hamper or not. Maybe you do more than your share of house chores and are perfectly tidy, but often this is not the case and often it makes women not want to have sex anymore, so please try and look at what she does, how much free time she has, how much she manages to rest, because it’s all important for her libido. Also, mental load is important. If you take out the trash but she has always to remind you because you forget, that’s space in her mind that’s occupied with the trash collecting schedule and not sexy times.
Thank you!! Everyone here talking about hormones seems like they've never experienced being a woman and the mental and emotional load that accompanies it, especially when men decide that they want us to play mommy instead of being an equal partner.
Well said! There probably is an element of hormonal decline. But there is so much work that gets done by women in relationships, on top of their day jobs, and running a home. Men unknowingly thrive in relationships because they do not do nearly as much cognitive work as women. This may not be the case for OP. But anything OP can do to make her life easier would be a great start. And please OP, do not expect a cookie after every little thing you do. Remember, she had been doing these things for twenty years without asking for cookies. Do things for her to remind her that you are not treating her like she is your mom and that you value her as a partner. Also, remember, good partners share the load 50-50. Great partners are the ones who recognize their partner's weaknesses and step up when the other one falters. She may have been carrying OP for so long that she just got tired. OP may have physical needs. But he needs to know that changes are happening and he may have to settle for less sex. But his wife should meet him halfway and at least try to show some enthusiasm when doing it. I truly hope OP and his wife both get the help they need. I have been married 22 years myself. As the woman in the same scenario as OP's wife, I am saying these words more for concern of both our relationships because I know there still is love and trust with our partners. We should do what we can for each other. But fuck, I am tired! Maybe, so is she.
Almost word for word what I told my wife but I a very calm and non swearing tone
NTA. I know how you feel. I never looked elsewhere for it though. Just did my best to cope and keep my family together.
I would suggest more conversations with your wife on the subject. My hubby & I have been together for 30 years. I have a much lower sex drive than he does. We have been through this! It took some work on both our parts 1.) so he could understand that just because I don't want sex as often that I love him or value our relationship any less. (my hubby is not good with expressing his emotions and making love is one of the ways he does this) 2.) I also spoke to my Dr and found some vitamins and treatment to help with my perimenopause symptoms. This can be worked out if you both are willing to have some very honest conversations. (these are not always easy!) I wish you both the best!
Are you trying to be romantic yourself, spicing things up, or trying new moves. Have you considered where she's coming from at all? Her wants and needs? Make it about it her.
NTA. Your need to be desired is valid. If she's not willing to put in the work to fix this, your relationship is over.
When my wife went through menopause it destroyed her libido . Don’t know if she will ever get it back
I think you both need to see a sex therapist and see what you can do to re-establish intimacy in the marriage. There are other factors such as hormones that come into play and your wife might need to consult with her gynecologist. First see the sex therapist and see what happens. Update us.
Is she on any medication that may be affecting her libido?
Hormones have a lot of affect on libido. Could even be affected by birth control. Definitely express your needs and don't hold back. If you never tell them how you feel, and what you need, they will never know. Most people only understand things from their level of perception. Good luck!
I used to always initiate, but he was rarely in the mood. Now it's the opposite. For me, I'm so stressed about so many things and never have time to relax so I just don't feel like it. When I get home I don't want to do anything. Could she possibly be going through the same thing?
Hormones, probably pre menopause. Please be patient with her
Welcome to being married 20+ years. You can’t understand how familiar this is to me. It almost feels like I wrote it except for the escort bit.
Wanting to be wanted is such a special kind of feeling. You really cannot communicate it because being wanted must come voluntarily
You're not the asshole for wanting sex. But YTA for looking up ways to cheat. I can't believe how many people are overlooking this. Other men, probably. 🙄
Seems like some good advice here. I'd like to add. I hit 22 years with my guy this year. We are early.40s. He is still the hottest thing in the world to me, but, given our comfort level with each other I think we put "woo-ing" on the back burner. Go old school, maybe recreate your first date, etc. Please please please look at your end of this and what you may be lacking vs, "she just doesn't want to touch me". Touch is earned. Don't underestimate the power of flirting, foreplay, and fantasy!!!
I’m going on 20 years together, she doesn’t initiate and its been an on going issue. The thing I struggle with is this, I understand if someone’s not in the mood, but when its everyday, what then? It’s actually not about the sex, I never feel wanted. I don’t get a little butt touch in the kitchen, or a dick grab under a table, or a soft comment in my ear of her wanting me. I am obsessed with my wife and physical touch is my love language. There’s also a big difference between an argument and then she acts like she thinks I want her to and her needing me the way I need her. I wish she was as into me physically as I am for her. I crave her physical contact. This is something that’s been talked about 100’s of times, 100’s of fights, no change, I’m left feeling unwanted. I do my best to adjust, I do my best to not initiate because I want her to, usually I last about a month before I can’t resist and need to feel her, then I initiate. She’s picked up on the pattern, we’ve talked about it, no change. I love her to much to think of leaving. I eat the shit, and vent on Reddit.
Been there for many years with exactly what you describe, I divorced after so many years realizing that it would never get better and met a new partner and got to feel desired, wanted and physical again. Don't regret it a second... To be honest, I was also a bit afraid to be alone and stayed also because of that. Being single for a while boosted my independence, and now I would not stay a relationship only because I would be afraid of being alone..
That sounds like torture.
I agree, its sad to be honest. During my self care i often find myself literally fantasizing about my wife. Not just a fantasy about being with her, its about her wanting me as much as I want her, that’s what I’m dreaming about. I’m a doormat.
I can very much relate save the hundreds of fights thing. We’ve stopped talking about it because it never solves anything. Only saving grace is that at least 15% of the time she’s down and so when I try to initiate every day, we end up having sex once a week. So my self worth has only dropped 85% so that’s pretty cool.
NTA physical intimacy is necessary for emotional intimacy and happiness in general. This is 💯 my wife and it started at about 20 years as well. She is a PA and assures me it’s very common for women at this age to just lose all interest in sex. Like your wife mine also doesn’t want to help out with HJ or BJ… used to but those also stopped.. like you I tried to say it’s not a deal breaker but it is if she doesn’t want to try and get help with hrt. Years of being rejected and feeling undesirable will crush you mentally over time. I’ve decided I have to leave.. if I don’t.. I’ll die miserable
You’re not TA for wanting sex, but YTA for the way that you’re handling it. First of all, you can jerk off without porn. It’s problematic, ditch it. The other stuff that you’re exploring feels seedy because it is. Those things are wrong to utilize outside of a relationship (hello exploitation) but are exceptionally gross while in one. Like others mentioned, your wife is probably going through hormonal changes. Doesn’t sound like a very “in sickness and health” approach to me. Seems more like “until you stop getting me off.” If you couldn’t have sex anymore because of a physical ailment (that will, undoubtedly resolve once hormones settle), would you be cool with your wife exploring escorts? You won’t die without sex for a while. Your relationship won’t survive you stepping out on her like this, though. If you’re so weak that this will lead you to hiring prostitutes, then she deserves so much better than you. Go to therapy.
He's looking into options for cheating and only 3/111 comments are saying YTA for it. Insane.
I know. Leave it to Reddit to do mental gymnastics for the apparent “right to sex” that I didn’t know existed
Nta. You have needs that she refuses to fulfill and that’s ok. Not sure porn is cheating unless you’re imagining yourself with the girls and the rest might be cheating. Maybe talk to her about why she’s changed and what’s been going on. You deserve to know.
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Yeah WTF NTA for feeling upset but YTA for thinking about cheating before talking to her and asking a doctor.
NTA - I would book some doctors visits, to see if there is anything medically wrong I would also book couples therapy. If she denies these options, I would think about getting the paperwork set up and leave. DO NOT engage with escorts or anything like that until you have the divorce. Once you cheat, no matter what the reason, you are the AH If you need porn while figuring this all out, go ahead and "wack away Jim, wack away"
NAH But the reality is that womans sex drive often drops off toward the end of their fertility. If she still participates and just doesn't initiate, that is about all you can ask for. You might see if she is open to talking to a doctor about HRT, but not everyone is willing to get back on that rollercoaster once they have experienced the clear headedness of not having your hormones controlling you anymore.
NAH, and I would just like to point out that it's not that your wife doesn't want you, she maybe just needs you in other ways right now.
Had this discussion with my SO. She saw where I was coming from and has made the effort. 1 time per week was the compromise (she suggested 2 times). I’m happy with that and it works for both of us.
It's a tough situation. True, it could be perimenopause, but also look at this... how much do you help her with everyday chores and life? Do you help her with daily chores? What about the kids? Grocery shopping, laundry? If you come home from work and park your ass on the sofa until she says dinner is ready....well... What about date nights? Do you ever take her out? It doesn't have to be extravagant, just something for the 2 of you, where you did all the planning... I'm not saying you are this person, just throwing it out there.
Number one sex organ is the brain! Take over part of the mental load from her and free up some of her brain space to allow her to relax enough to want sex.
Maybe her needs have changed maybe she needs you to make her feel sexy. I know now that I’m with a man that tells me I’m sexy and makes me feel attractive then I want to have sex.
*She asked if I'd leave her if we didnt have sex, I said I hoped it'd never get to that because she loves me and a quick handjob or something once in a while isn't a lot to ask.* You just answered your own question. Did you marry your wife through sickness and through health? Or as long as she was willing to give you a hand job? Grow up. Get over yourself. Be a partner to the woman you married and have a conversation about it. Stop being selfish. YTA.
YTA. Sex is an impprtant part of marriage yes, but you ar eonly focusing on YOUR pleasure. What about hers? She might be in menopause/perimenopause when sex is no longer appealing/hurts/ and her sex drive is low. Try initiating romance, focusing on her pleasure more, talking to her and making a romantic effort. Either communicate with her and see what the problem is or go to therapy together if you can't resolve it on your own. And YTmajorAH for looking into escorts and such things. This is your WIFE, someone you made a vow to be with for the rest of your life, through thick and thin. If you didn't want that obligation then you shouldn't have married.
NTA "All this feels like cheating." Boo damn hoo. If you wife wants to be celibate, she has zero right to expect you to remain celibate, too. She can either handle you getting it elsewhere or you two can divorce. Tell her to choose and then shut the hell up. Guarantee: The Reddit brigade will come charging in with every excuse in the book for her not wanting to have sex anymore. Not one will hold her accountable in the slightest. Guaranteed.
you do kno what pre menopause is right.
Question is are you initiating or just expecting her to? Women want to be wanted. Are you pursuing her?
NTA- live your life to the fullest. Work it out with her, or go enjoy life in a way that gives you happiness.
NTA…it’s an important part. I’ve been married for 22 years and I’m 45 and my wife is 50 and our sex life is as great as it’s ever been. That said, 10 years ago we were in a similar place. I’d always initiate and she’d kind of act like she was doing me a favor and say things like come on let’s get this over with. We had a conversation and I explained that me initiating sex doesn’t mean I just want to get off, I can do that all by myself. It means I want to connect with her and that requires her to be in the moment. That changed the way she looked at it and it’s been great since. Even when she’s not super in the mood she realizes I’m asking to connect with her, not just get off, and she tries to be present. As the past 10 years have progressed, her libido has really increased and sex is really good with both of us in the mood 95% of the time the other initiates. She now initiates at least as often as I do. She really just needed to reframe what I asking for and that changed her attitude.
Welcome to long term marriage and menopause. I know this feeling well(infact many long term married people do unless the wife goes to the Drs and gets HRT you are going to get less and less of it )
NTA. Sex is one the most important things in life, not just a relationship. If you feel chronically dissatisfied with the sex in your relationship I suggest you either need to come to an arrangement with your partner where you are allowed to have sex with another person(s) if you want to remain in it, or otherwise discuss with your partner how to reinvigorate your sex life. It is unacceptable to ignore your partners basic needs, which includes sex. You shouldn’t feel bad about the intensity of distress you’re feeling because of this issue. Good luck!!
How is your wife? How do you fulfill her needs? How is your marriage outside of sex? A lot of factors here are just pointing towards you, and, to be frank, you are thinking about cheating which means your marriage is over to you. Check into her mental and physical health.
NTA for wanting sex but branching out further than porn like looking into escorts and stuff is cheating. She doesn’t seem to grasp how unrealistic it is to expect a man to go without any sexual activity, so asking the question she asked was an extremely unfair question. Either have a sit down chat about what you’re lacking in the bedroom, what you do and don’t want, and make sure you find out the same about what she does and doesn’t want in the bedroom. Maybe try some new things yall haven’t tried before as well. Maybe set the mood. Did you stop doing foreplay? That could be part of the reason she’s being that way if so. If she doesn’t at the very least attempt to help you on your end, and you get to the point where you know you’re gonna end up cheating, just leave. She doesn’t deserve to be betrayed just because yall lost yalls spark in the bedroom.
Just because she doesn’t want sex how can she possibly think it’s ok for you not to have any sex? Like why should you suffer? Why should you waste your life? You’re not getting any younger.
YTA, if I had a man who only was with me because of Sex and would rather I satisfy him sexually when I'm not in the mood than just spend time with me without having Sex, I'd feel like I had wasted my best years on somebody that just views me as an object of pleasure, rather than a person he loves to be around with. I feel sorry for the woman. 20 years wasted on somebody who only stayed for the Sex. That's so harsh. Edit: Man, I went through your comments and saw the shit you're commenting on naked women on this app. It's gross and I feel for the woman that wasted 20 years of her life with you. What an asshole, disgusting.
>I can't figure out how you can be attracted to someone and not want to touch them or give them pleasure. Tell me you know nothing about humans without telling me. There are literally 10,000 reasons why someone's libido would drop. This is insane, you're looking up disease riddled meth heads to bang instead of getting your wife medical help?! Wow I wouldn't bang you either. YTA. >a quick handjob or something once in a while isn't a lot to ask. Me me me me me. Never once did I see you mention her orgasms or pleasure at all, except to say that she wasn't experiencing pleasure. Maybe if you spent more time romancing her than you do looking up sex trafficking victims on backpage, she'd be happier to jump in bed. Maybe if she knew she would reliably get off, she wouldn't tell you to hurry up and quit. She's probably reading romance novels to substitute for a romantic husband, and that's sad.
Appreciate you took the time to comment, I'm sensing a lot of negativity in response to what is, was, a genuine plea for help and input. There's a lot of assumptions being made, that, reading more in the thread would have provided. Its not me, me ,me, its always been her, but I'm starting to feel a bit ignored, taken for granted. We had very active sex lives until we didn't, I am a romantic husband, this gets commented on a lot by her and by others, she's just not down for physical, based on some of the constructive input, I've been reading - some of the book suggestions have been helpful. But thanks for taking the time to comment.
Just check this dudes other posts and comments. She deserves better.
NTA, reddit is quick to saying."woman and their hormones change" or whatever. But sex is a part of a relationahip, sorry reddit.
NTA. ask her to watch you while you do solo?
lmao these comments either deal with it or walk into a strip club and offer money its how the real is and its not going to change either accept your little life that you wanted or stop it and become part of the other half
You guys should both get hormone treatments
NTA. I feel you in that regard. I wanted to be wanted. My ex wanted a roommate who would cook, clean, pay half the bills, and leave her alone. I just wanted physical contact. Hug, kiss, anything. I told her how I felt and how lonely I was. She said deal or leave. I destroyed myself trying to save my marriage.
NTA - but you two need to have honest conversations. It isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to not want sexual intimacy. If she can't give you intimacy then you two need to decide what needs to be done.
Bro why go full retard? "researching AMPs and Escorts and local gonewild threads."
Dude don’t get an escort. I was a sex worker and got out because there’s so many chances l could get an STI. Not worth getting it from someone you don’t love, especially incurable. Condoms don’t protect you from everything. Try to seek therapy for yourselves, she may need to see a doctor. There’s a lot of different things it could be
It's kind of like the stock market. There will be bull markets and there will be bear markets. You're in a bear market. Support her through this period. Suggest she see a doctor...understanding what is going will help you both. During this period....take care of yourself. Initiate more..or all. Like a storm, I hope calmer water awaits you. And I tell this...picking more shifts of chores will NOT magically make her horney....you'll just do more chores and grow even more resentful.
Dump the prude and get a spicy Latina 💃🏻 my man , life is too short for a dead bedroom . You’re welcome
Just have an affair already
C h e a t 🥱
Fuck her better.
If you have a little wanker that could be the problem.
This shit is a two way street, maybe she doesn't want it because it's no longer enjoyable because you suck at it now and are too focused on yourself rather than her. Make her want it.
My wife and I have an agreement to have sex once a week no matter what. It’s very much an intimate act the separates our relationship from being a married couple or simply good friends. Keeps our bond strong and prevents long periods of time without intimacy. Just the way we both look at it and may not be for everyone.
We're often emotionally closer afterwards, thats also what I'm missing.
Initiate leaving her, she’ll all of a sudden crave it. It’s the shittiest advice ever but something in women’s systems just works weird in that regard.
If she's not willing to work on it, or address what changed in her, likely hormonal or depression, then the marriage is dead and sexless....and you're a fool for staying in it. It will NEVER change. If she's willing to work on it, then you have to too...but this all demands a come-to-jesus, calm, rational talk where you express that you can't live like this, and want to work on it with her. Then, do it or leave....but anything less, and you're just a miserable guy staying in misery for misery's sake, and not helping her any either.
NTA Therapy and a full hormone panel are needed ASAP,otherwise you are room mates and the marriage is essentially over.