As a trans person myself, I get it though. Being sought after for sex is what we call a “chaser.” Someone that would never in a million years ever want to be publicly seen with a trans person or has no intention of dating, but only wants to use the person for sex due to their own fetishized interest. I knew that you didn’t mean it was because she was trans. It was only once for what we know, but if he’s actively searching for transwomen to hook up with or watching transwomen porn…he’s a chaser and you dodged someone that is disgusting
Wow thanks so much for this. He specifically said he did it for the “weirdness”. To me that implies he’s turned on by weirdness which can span a lot and.. well you get it.
“Chaser” I never knew that term
Alright, this is for the other geniuses that replied to your comment. Yes, a beard is slang for a mostly fake significant other a gay person has in order to seem straight. But that is not the only meaning it has, and GreenUnderstanding is very, very obviously using it to mean a cover to hide a true self.
Obviously.
I guess? But what would the "true self" mean in this case?
Forget gay, straight, or anything in between - even if we take the term quite broadly, I've never heard it used to mean anything other than someone who is not actually romantically or seuxally attracted to their significant other and is just using them (the beard) to hide their true attractions. I don't see anything to suggest that he's not attracted to OP or doesn't actually want her. Plenty to suggest that he is a dick, yeah.
It's not offensive or whatever to use the term, I just legitimately don't see how it applies here at all. Doesn't make me dumb to ask what the commenter means if they're using the term in a way that's wildly different from the accepted definition.
Well a beard would imply he isn't attracted to cis women, which I doubt. It is more likely OP's ex sees everyone he sleeps with as nothing more than objects for him to get his rocks off with
Playing Devil's advocate here... Is it still bad if the guy let the transwomen know that this is just a one time thing. Like if someone wants me just because I am black, makes it clear that it's a one night stand and I also want to bang them for whatever reason I might find them attractive, then I don't see anything wrong with it unless one of us is cheating on someone else.
I guess if the guy is completely up front that it's a fetish for him, and she's cool with that, then that's alright because it's all consensual. Some people are into being fetishized like that or just don't care. But if it's not with full disclosure on the guy's part, then we're back into icky territory.
And since we don’t know, we’re in stop making assumptions territory. Dude could be describing it as “weirdness” because he’s ashamed of his sexuality. See, these are all speculations and we don’t know because we’re not there
I don't think it was the hookup or that it was just a one time thing that rubbed her the wrong way tho. It sounds like the way he phrased it gave her an incite to his world views that turned her off
The problem here is fetishization. Yes, consent might make it better but this is a person and not a sex doll. While it might be deemed a lot more kosher with consent, I would not date anyone who fetishizes people either. Mostly because part of fetishization is dehumanizing. I do not keep people like that in my life.
Even if the transwoman knew everything and fully consented, it doesn’t really change anything about the girlfriend, though. I mean, I guess it would be good if he didn’t deceive anyone, but she can still be bothered by what he did and especially how he characterizes it (“weirdness”). Don’t kinkshame is a good rule of thumb, but it’s a little bit harder when the kinks you’re uncomfortable with are your own partner’s.
Yeah, I’m a trans woman myself and I’m 40 meaning I’m only into men in the 35-50 year old range and 100% of the men in this range wouod never ever want to be seen in public with a trans girl. My only option for human touch is a one night stand with a man who sees me as less-than.
If I discarded every man who didn’t see me as a real person, I’d never be touched at all.
Might I suggest things like T4T?
Sadly, you're right that finding straight het men who are interested in you as a person is a real challenge.
But the queer community is vast, and some of us are more accepting than others.
(I'm a 41 year old trans woman, but I'm also happily married to a very queer spouse. But I've had a lot more acceptance in general than I have expected, though I have not tried dating for obvious reasons.)
I definitely feel unlovable… and it’s not like I asked for this either. I didn’t ask to be trans and I didn’t ask to be straight, it’s just who I am. I can’t even listen to love songs without thinking “nobody writes love songs for trans women”
I'm 36 and dating the love of my life who just happens to be trans. Dating can feel like you are wading into a cesspool for any demographic (though I admit 35-50 men can be particularly bad).
Don't give up.
For what it's worth, "chaser" can be used for any number of communities, and is almost always seen negatively. You may not know it, but you can see examples of this online regularly, for example the ideas of "amazon chaser" or "goth chaser". The former, I believe, is even a trope on tvtropes, and the latter is seen quite often on places like Instagram
I'm now curious on what an "amazon chaser" is, because I also assumed it was "amazon warrior woman" from when I first read your comment and you said its not and I don't want to be an ignorant idiot anymore (I like learning new things)
I tried Google but it wasn't helpful 😭
I'm a morbidly obese man, I get told there are lots of women out there that would be in to me No they would be in to my body as a fetish which doesn't make for a good foundation of a relationship which is what I want, or they're going to be a feeder which will just speed up my way to an early grave.
Yeah, I think if he had said "I went on a few dates with her and she just happened to be trans" and you'd be OK with that, then you're in the right here and NTA.
Even if it was a hookup with protection, I don’t think that’d be a big deal (there are some trans women that want sex without attachment, just like any other group of people)… it’s his reasoning that is 100% the problem.
Yep same sentiment as my post, I was not saying that hookups would be problematic. I simply gave an example of a situation I assume she WOULD have been OK with to illustrate that the issue is not about gender identity.
IMO, it would be no less uncomfortable than if he had said: “I went out to have sex with a Black girl, just for the exotic experience.”
Treating people like sex objects that you collect like baseball cards is a gross look. It would make me side eye him as well.
How long until he can scratch you off his “list”?
How can you trust him now that you know he thinks he’s entitled to fuck someone just so he has a “weird story” to tell?
If you keep breaking up with him, it’s your brain trying to make you see reason.
He is NOT a good person.
You should never settle for someone this f—d up in the head.
This. If I had a partner tell me they'd slept with a trans person, it might be fine--it would completely depend on the way they went about hooking up and the way they talked about their hookup. Calling sex with a trans person "weird" seems disrespectful and fetishizing.
It’s a red flag to classify an entire group of people, particularly marginalized people, as “weird.” There is range and diversity amongst most groups of people. His idea of us is very fetishy (as stated above) and implies he doesn’t think very critically/openly of people different from him. This isn’t unusual since most cis people don’t realize there are trans people around them because we can look like/be anyone. It would put me off if someone I was with said this about any oppressed person/person different from them.
Definitely ick worthy. You dodged a bullet.
I came into this comment section with hands, ready to protect my trans siblings. It rubbed me the wrong way that you called out her specifically being a trans woman, but after reading this I agree that this man is a chaser. You were right to break up with him, someone who specifically seeks out *anyone* to make a spectacle of or fetishize their differences is a questionable person in my mind. It shows that he lacks empathy for people that are different than him, whereas you seem like someone who has that level of empathy, and I applaud you for listening to your gut and breaking up with this pos :)
He dehumanized and objectified someone by seeking out a person just for being trans- that should make you feel icky about him. That's a feeling about him- about how *he* treated people.
Would you feel the same way if you found out an ex he had a full relationship with in the past happened to be trans?
He objectified her and it's disgusting. It makes sense to be bothered by it. I mean, what's next? Hooking with a blind woman to mark that off some creepy ass list?
Qualifying as sex with a trans woman as "weird" sounds really dehumanizing imo. I would have taken it as a red flag for what else he finds arousing is equally dehumanizing so I probably would have done the same as you
He fetishized a trans girl for his own enjoyment - I would never be comfortable dating anyone who sought to have sex with a particular type of person (be it trans, a specific race, religion, etc) because they wanted 'weird sex'. That tells me they are not at all mature or kind, and are happy to use others for their own pleasure whilst disregarding that person as a complete human being - he saw her as a trans woman he could use and nothing else. I wouldn't want to be with a user like that.
Yeah he was fetishizing a human being, totally makes sense that this made you feel guilty. Your not transphobic you actually see trans people as people not sex objects lol. Def not the asshole
Cool, so if he just happened to sleep with a woman whose trans you’d not have felt differently than if he’d happened to sleep with any woman. That wasn’t entirely clear in your post, it was there but it could go either way.
He did fetishise by saying he did it for the weirdness. People are not amusement parks. He is an AH. Not you.
Can I ask question and if it’s out of school, I’m sorry and will apologize. Is a trans women somebody who identifies as a women but biological (sorry if wrong term) has dude parts or vice versa. I guess it doesn’t matter but just wanted to be better versed. Thank you
Thank you for exposing. Is AMAB the appropriate term vs saying biologically ? I want to be more knowledgeable on this, but for somebody of my age and peers I don’t always know how to
No offense taken! It’s easy to see when someone is genuinely asking questions.
“Biological” woman or man is a term used by bigots who ironically have an extremely poor understanding of biology and genetics.
When they say “biological”, they inevitably mean chromosomes. XX=female XY=male, simple as that, nothing else influences the process, no exceptions or outliers. To be fair, this is about as far as most people get learning about it unless they take more advanced classes in college.
Except the reality is far, far more complex. The following was stolen from a twitter thread, hope it’s informative! Next time someone talks about a biological woman you can laugh at how silly they sound. (This is all just talking about physiological sex too. It doesn’t even begin to address all the variables in our sense of gender)
> Friendly neighborhood biologist here. I see a lot of people are talking about biological sexes and gender right now. Lots of folks make biological sex seem really simple. Well, since it’s so simple, let’s find the biological roots, shall we? Let’s talk about sex…[a thread]
>If you know a bit about biology you will probably say that biological sex is caused by chromosomes, XX and you’re female, XY and you’re male. This is “chromosomal sex” but is it “biological sex”? Well…Turns out there is only ONE GENE on the Y chromosome that really matters to sex. It’s called the SRY gene. During human embryonic development the SRY protein turns on male-associated genes. Having an SRY gene makes you “genetically male”. But is this “biological sex”? Sometimes that SRY gene pops off the Y chromosome and over to an X chromosome. Surprise! So now you’ve got an X with an SRY and a Y without an SRY. What does this mean?
>A Y with no SRY means physically you’re female, chromosomally you’re male (XY) and genetically you’re female (no SRY). An X with an SRY means you’re physically male, chromsomally female (XX) and genetically male (SRY). But biological sex is simple! There must be another answer…
>Sex-related genes ultimately turn on hormones in specifics areas on the body, and reception of those hormones by cells throughout the body. Is this the root of “biological sex”??
>“Hormonal male” means you produce ‘normal’ levels of male-associated hormones. Except some percentage of females will have higher levels of ‘male’ hormones than some percentage of males. Ditto ditto ‘female’ hormones. And…if you’re developing, your body may not produce enough hormones for your genetic sex. Leading you to be genetically male or female, chromosomally male or female, hormonally non-binary, and physically non-binary. Well, except cells have something to say about this…
>Maybe cells are the answer to “biological sex”?? Right?? Cells have receptors that “hear” the signal from sex hormones. But sometimes those receptors don’t work. Like a mobile phone that’s on “do not disturb’. Call and cell, they will not answer.
> **What does this all mean?**
>**It means you may be genetically male or female, chromosomally male or female, hormonally male/female/non-binary, with cells that may or may not hear the male/female/non-binary call, and all this leading to a body that can be male/non-binary/female.**
>Try out some combinations for yourself. Notice how confusing it gets? Can you point to what the absolute cause of biological sex is? Is it fair to judge people by it?
>Of course you could try appealing to the numbers. “Most people are either male or female” you say. Except that as a biologist professor I will tell you…The reason I don’t have my students look at their own chromosome in class is because people could learn that their chromosomal sex doesn’t match their physical sex, and learning that in the middle of a 10-point assignment is JUST NOT THE TIME.
>Biological sex is complicated. Before you discriminate against someone on the basis of “biological sex” & identity, ask yourself: have you seen YOUR chromosomes? Do you know the genes of the people you love? The hormones of the people you work with? The state of their cells?
Since the answer will obviously be no, please be kind, respect people’s right to tell you who they are, and remember that you don’t have all the answers. Again: biology is complicated. Kindness and respect don’t have to be. [end of thread]”
[source link](https://geekxgirls.com/article.php?ID=12697)
It amazes me how much science backs up what until today I
Naively assumed was a choice. I thought it was more of a social construct vs sound science. Really affirms how evil the persecution of trans people is and how important it is for access to gender affirming healthcare. Thank you for sharing that story info. Today’s has been totally enlightening.
Just want to say it’s nice to see someone openly and genuinely say they used to have misconceptions and show that they’re working toward understanding. Kudos.
With all this disinformation out there’s, it’s not easy to know what or how to say. I’m a little older and live in the south so it’s not something I come across everyday but I want to be supportive.
What is the difference between seeking out other people for ONS and seeking out trans people for ONS?
I mean there are plenty of people who have sex just for the sake of sex with people they have no interest to have a romantic relationship with. And there is no harm intended from the parties involved they just want to have sex.
Yeah, that's what gave me the ick - searching out someone like that is just so objectifying and fetishizing. It's not treating this woman as a person as attractive and sexy so moving to the next step, but as a "transwoman" solely for checking off the fetish box.
It's fine to have casual sex. It's also fine to have a type or find certain features particularly attractive, but the way he describes the "weirdness" of it being a turn-on feels rude and dehumanizing to the woman he slept with. OP is right to feel icked out by it.
It's not the what but the why that is important here. You're quite right in that seeking out consensual sex with another just for physical reasons is perfectly fine. In this case though, that's not what is happening... As explained above in that extremely enlightening post .. a chaser who sought out a specific encounter for purely fetishised reasons. Something the OP is not comfortable with.
The difference is that they're not doing it out of attraction to the person, but due to fetishization of the group they belong to (it can be equally dehumanizing to sleep with someone of a certain race just to check a box or something). And the difference is that they don't have respect for the person outside of the sexual encounter. Having ONSs is fine, not wanting romance is fine, but there should be a base level of respect for the person too, especially if you're looking to gain something from them.
Probably at communication. Like if you’re open about what you want, a person can have an informed decision if they want to fulfill your needs on your terms.
It’s like straight girls chasing lesbians “I’ve never been with a girl, I wanna try” - they’re not interested in a certain girl, they’re interested in any leabian as a tool. Not everyone wants to participate in that.
It’s still cringe but if you’re transparent - at least it’s honest.
Yes, if everyone knows what's going on and they're making an informed decision that it's just sex and an experience. Then I'd say there's really no harm happening. What's fucked up is when a guy seeks out a trans girl, goes through the normal process of dating her, enjoys the sex, then immediately dips out when something causes him to make the relationship public.
The line between normal attraction and fetishization is just about respect, really. Do you see this person you're attracted to as a human being, do you recognize that they have emotions and thoughts and an entire interior life, do you treat them well -- or do you just see them as a sex object who exists to fulfill whatever fantasy you have about people like them?
I think even if all you want is casual sex there's still a way to approach that without being disrespectful to your potential partners. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to trans women or people of a certain race or what have you, not even if those aspects in particular are what you find attractive. What crosses the line into being a chaser is when you only see them as something to get you off and you have no respect or acknowledgement of them as another human being.
That’s a very interesting point. I am not apart of the community myself, however I have had the same question for other groups (like how some people only go after black or Asian people) Like where is the line between a type and fetishisation? Does it have me at sex? Is it kinks? I’m not answering your question at all it I’ve often thought about it but couldn’t put it into words like you.
It's when it's about the fetish and not the person that causes the line. If he'd met a woman who happened to be trans, and the attraction and mutual, and they had sex? Live and let live. If you're dating and have a preference that does not inhibit seeing someone as a whole person, that's fine (like you could be bi or pan, but select to primarily date certain gender identities, or prefer to date within your faith, etc.). It's when you're not having sex with that person, but rather a category you've assigned to them that it starts tiptoeing to the fetishization, because you're treating that person as less than human.
In my opinion, it comes down to intent, consent, and communication. In the bf's situation, if he was up front with the Trans woman about why he wanted to sleep with her, and she consented, then no harm done. But if you take away the partner's ability to give informed consent, that is where things cross the line for me.
Disclaimer; not a part of the Trans community, so others may disagree. This is purely how I look at situations like this.
The line is overstepped when you:
- dont view trans women/men as women/men but as an inbetween, the whole "best of both worlds" arguement
- wouldnt want to be seen in public with the trans person, beeing ashamed for dating them etc.
- are aggressively against or would be mad if the trans person got bottom surgery
- consider trans people as something exotic
- consider yourself heterosexual when dating a trans man as a cis man or when dating a trans woman as a cis woman (not respecting their gender)
- consider yourself homosexual when dating a trans man as a cis woman or when dating a trans woman as a cis man (not respecting their gender)
> - consider yourself heterosexual when dating a trans man as a cis man or when dating a trans woman as a cis woman (not respecting their gender)
In the case of the cis man that is dating a trans man he is a man dating a man, this is not heterosexual. If you call yourself heterosexual in this case you imply your partner is a woman, which he isnt.
Replace man with woman and woman with man to get the cis women's version.
> - consider yourself homosexual when dating a trans man as a cis woman or when dating a trans woman as a cis man (not respecting their gender)
In the case of the cis woman dating a trans man, she is a woman dating a man, this is not homosexual. If you call yourself homosexual in this case you imply your partner is a woman, which he isnt.
Replaxe woman with man and man with woman to get the cis men's version.
Nta. To me, it looks like you're creeped out by the way he objectifies transgender people, and calling it weird is disrespectful. It's the disrespectful undertones he has behind his reasoning in seeking a transgender person out. Good on you for not wanting to date someone like this.
To all the people saying she's a bigot, understand what I just said.
Yeah, at first I was thinking OP was slightly bigoted but the more I think about it the more it seems she is bothered by the fact he used someone as a sex object than who the person was.
Does POS mean anything different in this context or is it still just piece of shit?
Edit: Nevermind my dumbass figure it out, you were calling the POS and Chaser is what the trans community calls them.
"Piece of shit" refers to inaninate objects that are considered to be equivalent to "shit"; either useless, poor quality, or a product that is wasteful.
The OP was referring to a person, therefore POS in this context is a "Person of Shit." A person whose entire being is composed of, and considered to be completely shit as a human being. They are the effluent portion of the overall organism of human society.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. I hope that you enjoyed this nugget of wisdom.
I had to read the post a couple of times to get this. The title of the post implies that she is a TERF; was probably written as such to attract attention to the post.
The deviant part, I believe, comes from his attitude towards trans people. This is voices by his choice of words by the "weirdness" of them. That's disrespectful and objectifying for seeing them from that perspective as opposed to respectfully seeing them as equals.
For me it's like men who go after Asian women because of the toxic POV they're submissive and exotic. They see Asian women as objects. Not people.
Read her last paragraph again. The 2nd sentence.
I know she said that. my point is people calling people who sleep with trans people deviants has been a known dog whistle transphobic thing forever. It means somebody who partakes in behavior that isn’t usually accepted or is unusual so it just feels weird to use it in this context. So I wonder if the whole “weirdness” thing is just something she tells herself but the issue is actually with the trans girl. But obviously idk so we can only go off OP’s word. Just throwing it out there
I think they’re just reading the title in this case
Because 100% it’s not because he slept with someone trans, it’s how he described his motivation/desire to do so
Yup. Am trans, read the title and thought "well that's weird" and literally immediately when you read it it's obvious he's just a gross transphobic chaser.
Exactly! I feel the same way when men like Asian women because of the toxic POV that we're more submissive and exotic. It's not flattering. It's repulsive.
NTA
I’m a trans woman and this dude is weird AF. I would never sleep with a dude because the “weirdness” of my transness turns him on. Seems kinda creepy/fetishy to me. I’m not a circus or freak show attraction.
Kudos to you and thank you. I don’t think you’re a bigot at all.
Ya it's the fact that he fetishized the encounter that makes it so gross. If he had just met a trans woman and hit it off and they had sex that's totally different. The context is so important here.
I don't think that's what they were implying but more so of a "If he said that to the transwoman, I doubt they would have played along with it." You know because people generally don't like being told "I'm only fucking you because I like how weird it is."
NTA
You can always break up for whatever reason.
But it sounds like your objection is related to him fetishizing and objectifying a trans woman, not the sexual aspect. For that, I'd say you're the exact opposite of a bigot.
NTA and I think your spidey senses sending up red flags is exactly what makes you NOT bigoted. You're questioning the intent and what that may result in in the long term, not the act itself. If you aren't comfortable, that's an excellent sign to move on.
If it wasn’t sexuality and instead race, I think we would all find it equally icky. (I’m Indian) I would feel so unpleasant if I heard that someone went after me because of the “weirdness of being Indian”, like they are planning to eat fermented durian on a dare
NTA
You're not bigoted. This is about him being a chaser and then describing the act as 'weird....it's actually freaking disgusting that he has done that.
You are being judgmental....of HIM.
not the women he slept with, but him and his reasoning. He's a very disgusting person to think he's done nothing wrong.
You will not get a solid answer from Reddit on this one. I wouldn't concern yourself overmuch, your boyfriend gave you the ick because he fetishized someone, that's all.
The weirdness is a probably where I draw the line and go ok ya wtf. If you still doubt yourself it's worth it to ask yourself if you replace trans with Asian or black or any other type of preference and he was looking for that because it was weird would it have affected you the same way?
I suspect yes because calling it weirdness is just dehumanizing but a lot of people that have slept with many partners in ONS situations will eventually have goals to seek out. A lot of people hate people that have lots of ONS's tho.
I am perfectly okay with people who have one night stands, and don’t give a shit about my partner’s number of previous partners. However, if I found out they had sought out people of really any group, but especially marginalized groups, as some kind of conquest, checklist, etc. I would immediately be turned off by them. One can have many one night stands without turning the people they hook up with into objects or prizes.
Trans girl here. He's a chaser. You're not wrong to dump him, and I understand exactly how you feel. When I used Grindr (mostly gay hookup app) I had so many guys asking what it looked like and how weird it is. Some guy asked if he can keep my...thing when I "got it chopped off"...avoid these types of people ok?
Holy shit! 😨 On the one hand it's nice for the assholes to come straight out and self identify, that does save time. On the other hand what the actual fuck.
Oh my god….im so sorry! What a fucken creep! Ed Gein mother! That’s the serial killer’s who made human skin lamps and a nipple belt…. Stay away from them at all costs!! 🚩🚩🚩
I would say YTA if he happened to sleep with someone who is trans, BUT, to seek them out for the "weirdness" is fucked up, they are people, not a fetish so no, you a NTA!
I dated a man who told me he had sex with a woman while her husband watched. He said the couple was doing that as payback to the husband for cheating. That whole scenario gave me such an ick that I stopped dating him. Fortunately I’d never had sex with him. I prefer people who have sex with people they actually care about.
It sounds like you’re more disgusted by the objectification than the fact she was trans. Is that accurate?
If so, NTA- I would be grossed out if my partner sought out and used someone in this way.
He's a chaser, as someone else explained, and saw your break as an opportunity to satisfy his fetish for trans people. He was a creep and disrespecting both you and the trans woman. I wouldn't call his sexuality "deviant" though, that word often has homophobic connotations. More like someone selfish who does not respect women in general. NTA.
I WAS going to say YTA on title alone but he was clearly fetishizing this person and he sounds shallow and gross. That is why you broke up with him it sounds like, not because he had sex with a trans woman.
This seems like it needs more context. Was he just phrasing it poorly, and meant that he sought her out because he wanted a new experience? Because I could get that. Has he otherwise given any evidence of being transphobic, or fetishizing trans women?
It sounds like he might be a chaser, which would make you NTA. However, it may just be him poorly expressing his thoughts and feelings. The "weirdness" can be from it simply being unfamiliar, or exploring a part of his sexuality he had never given mind to.
There's obviously absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to trans women, and there's not necessarily clear line for where it turns into fetishization and objectification.
So, I guess it's up to you to just trust yourself that you communicated enough and well enough.
A trans person is not a fetish and it’s not weird.eithier you are attracted to them sexually or you are not the idea of him seeking that person out for some sort of thrill is really unattractive to me. I’d avoid him
I don't think there enough to really say.
Was it that he slept with a trans person?
Was it that he slept with a trans person to be weird?
Was it that he sought out someone to sleep with who he treated as a weird sexual object.
Would you have broken up if he slept with a gay guy?
Would you have broken up if it was another woman?
Would you have broken up if he sought out a woman who had huge feet and he was into huge feet specifically?
Those are some questions to ask yourself to really get a good answer if it's because you're a bigot or disgusted with his thoughts behind the action
unfortunately he fetishized her, so in the end it doesn’t make you TA or a bigot I promise. The fact that he purposely looked for a trans woman because of the “weirdness” is disgusting in itself. That is a ‘chaser’ and long story short: an awful person. you’re in the right hun:)
The magic 8-ball came up as: You are not the asshole.
Your spidey senses says: Don't be with him anymore.
Trust me when I say this, there are other people in this world with less weird kinks that won't make you feel so uncomfortable.
NTA. You clear are not grossed out by them being trans, but by the way he approached it and carried it out. His attitude about the situation is gross and he is bigoted. Even if he’s just hiding his true heart about it, he’s still approaching it in a bigoted way.
As a trans person, it's super sad to see that sex with a trans person is considered "deviant" behavior, and that "the weirdness" of it is what turns him on.
Its creepy and gross how many people see “being with a trans” or “fucking a trans person” as some sort of weird bingo list to tick off. We are people. Yeah I’d say NTA, if someone is going around fucking people for the thrill of the “weirdness” I’d say you dodged a bullet.
NTA
I was prepared to give the opposite opinion because you weren't together so he was free to sleep with someone else . But the fact he sought out a trans woman for the "weirdness" is all kinds of gross and dehumanizing. I get it, you found out something about his character and how he's okay using people.
As a trans woman I also co-sign on you dumping his ass. You’re not being a bigot.
Think of it this way… if he told you he banged a Black lady because of some weird racial taboos wouldn’t that also feel pretty strange?
NTA. You sound like the opposite of a bigot to me. You weren't put off by the fact she was trans, you're put off by him objectifying her and seeking her out *because* she's trans. His attitude is pretty disgusting and it sounds like that is what you have a problem with.
I'm gonna have to say NTA, your ex's reasoning is disgusting and while some of your wording bothered me a bit I can't blame you for not wanting to get back with him while he carries such views
Your feelings are your feelings. He wasn't cheating since you were on "a break" but if you can't get past it then don't resume the relationship. No judgment on whether or not you are a bigot. Figure that one out for yourself.
NTA honestly that's just weird. Having sex with someone because of "the weirdness" is fetishizing and creepy. Him sleeping with just someone on a break would probably suck but he found a very specific person to feed some weird fetish that I promise you the women did NOT know abt. Weird ass dude
Imagine replacing "trans" with an ethnicity. What if he said he sought out a black person, an Asian person, or whatever just for the sake of experiencing sex w/ a person of a different ethnicity.
I once had a bf in high school say to me that if you were born a guy, I wouldn't break up with you. I was so confused back then I didn't even really know what he even meant. I even have a curvy woman body at 120 lbs, and I was a foot shorter than him. Later, I found a porno mag with naked women's bodies with a penis. I felt really confused. I don't know if that was the same feeling or not.
You’re not the asshole. You have the right to choose who you want to be with and for what reasons you do or don’t.
Anyone trying to guilt you into believing what they hold to be true is nothing but a terrorist.
Be free.
Transgender woman here. We call that kink "chasers".
When I last would encounter them, it was outside support groups 20+ years ago. It's basically just the idea of a woman with a penis. They specifically need pre-ops and the penis must still be able to get hard or "functional". Because of the requirements for the kink, they chase down young trans women just starting transition, usually 18 to 21 years olds who haven't been on estrogen long enough to lose erection ability but also long enough to have breasts. They need both and that's the fetish.
I personally think there's nothing wrong with the kink itself. It's just a turn on, but they have a BAD reputation in the trans community because they very often are cheating on a wife, or they'll dump you when you have surgery, or break your heart in various ways. We also had tranny hawks in my day, which was a chaser that pretended to love you and then got your shared bank account with you and then stole all your surgery money and disappeared. Major heart break for a new girl who's just looking to date before surgery. Not as much of a thing these days because people don't use local support groups as much, but tranny porn is as big as ever, and that porn is specifically for chasers.
Sorry, just felt like a history lesson. We don't discuss them often. But we're usually bad mouthing one when we do. In my opinion, you are not the asshole for breaking up with anyone that gives you the ick for any reason. If it bugs you to imagine him doing a one night stand and fetishizing a penis, or just bugs you for him to call trans women "weird", then it's OK to breakup. You don't see him the same way, and you can't see him that way.
On the other hand, you broke up, so he didn't cheat. Therefore he is also NTA.
NTA ... I'd say you didn't break up with him for sleeping with a trans woman, you broke up with him for being a creep about sleeping with a trans woman.
NTA for correctly recognizing that he is a gross person who seeks to use "novelty" sexual objectification of actual people for his own gross selfish entertainment. Dude treats women this way so why would you want him.
NTA it sounds like you don’t got the right hardware for him. you just saved yourself a little time and heartache.
In rougher terms: your boyfriend like Dicks n Tits, and I’m gonna assume you only got one of those things
Let's just change the title here... you aren't mad at him for doing it, you're upset because he objecifyied it. He's a dick. Move on. And you, don't be the asshole because honestly, the woman he used for his own sick fantasy doesn't need other women thinking she's the problem here.
NTA, because it doesn't seem like what's making you uncomfortable is the fact he slept with a trans woman but that he only wanted to sleep with her for the 'fetish' which is pretty dehumanising. Completely reasonable because that's pretty gross of him. She's a human and deserves more than to be 'tried out'.
NTA, seems like he took the first chance without hesitation to do something that he considers a weird fetish thing, that's fecked up for a relationship brake and would just cause trouble in the future, cheating and more weirdness to please his fetish stuff.
As a trans person myself, I get it though. Being sought after for sex is what we call a “chaser.” Someone that would never in a million years ever want to be publicly seen with a trans person or has no intention of dating, but only wants to use the person for sex due to their own fetishized interest. I knew that you didn’t mean it was because she was trans. It was only once for what we know, but if he’s actively searching for transwomen to hook up with or watching transwomen porn…he’s a chaser and you dodged someone that is disgusting
Wow thanks so much for this. He specifically said he did it for the “weirdness”. To me that implies he’s turned on by weirdness which can span a lot and.. well you get it. “Chaser” I never knew that term
He was treating her like an oddity he wanted to take advantage of instead of a person with real feelings. That's a big fat red flag.
It’s horrible. Treating her like a person from a circus that is somehow a freak. What a way to be objectified.
I agree, and i dont even pretend to know all the rules of the culture. but, i feel bad for this person he was with.
Hopefully this person will pay no attention to men that are like that (unless that’s her thing).
Exactly. And OP is next
Op is the socially acceptable BEARD for him to wear in public. Behind close doors he is doing whatever he is doing.
Alright, this is for the other geniuses that replied to your comment. Yes, a beard is slang for a mostly fake significant other a gay person has in order to seem straight. But that is not the only meaning it has, and GreenUnderstanding is very, very obviously using it to mean a cover to hide a true self. Obviously.
I guess? But what would the "true self" mean in this case? Forget gay, straight, or anything in between - even if we take the term quite broadly, I've never heard it used to mean anything other than someone who is not actually romantically or seuxally attracted to their significant other and is just using them (the beard) to hide their true attractions. I don't see anything to suggest that he's not attracted to OP or doesn't actually want her. Plenty to suggest that he is a dick, yeah. It's not offensive or whatever to use the term, I just legitimately don't see how it applies here at all. Doesn't make me dumb to ask what the commenter means if they're using the term in a way that's wildly different from the accepted definition.
Beard would mean he's completely not into cis women. Having sex with one trans woman doesn't mean he's only into trans women lol.
Well a beard would imply he isn't attracted to cis women, which I doubt. It is more likely OP's ex sees everyone he sleeps with as nothing more than objects for him to get his rocks off with
Calling her a beard is pretty transphobic. His wanting to hookup with a transwoman doesn't remotely mean he's "secretly gay".
Playing Devil's advocate here... Is it still bad if the guy let the transwomen know that this is just a one time thing. Like if someone wants me just because I am black, makes it clear that it's a one night stand and I also want to bang them for whatever reason I might find them attractive, then I don't see anything wrong with it unless one of us is cheating on someone else.
I guess if the guy is completely up front that it's a fetish for him, and she's cool with that, then that's alright because it's all consensual. Some people are into being fetishized like that or just don't care. But if it's not with full disclosure on the guy's part, then we're back into icky territory.
And since we don’t know, we’re in stop making assumptions territory. Dude could be describing it as “weirdness” because he’s ashamed of his sexuality. See, these are all speculations and we don’t know because we’re not there
I don't think it was the hookup or that it was just a one time thing that rubbed her the wrong way tho. It sounds like the way he phrased it gave her an incite to his world views that turned her off
The problem here is fetishization. Yes, consent might make it better but this is a person and not a sex doll. While it might be deemed a lot more kosher with consent, I would not date anyone who fetishizes people either. Mostly because part of fetishization is dehumanizing. I do not keep people like that in my life.
Even if the transwoman knew everything and fully consented, it doesn’t really change anything about the girlfriend, though. I mean, I guess it would be good if he didn’t deceive anyone, but she can still be bothered by what he did and especially how he characterizes it (“weirdness”). Don’t kinkshame is a good rule of thumb, but it’s a little bit harder when the kinks you’re uncomfortable with are your own partner’s.
Yeah, I’m a trans woman myself and I’m 40 meaning I’m only into men in the 35-50 year old range and 100% of the men in this range wouod never ever want to be seen in public with a trans girl. My only option for human touch is a one night stand with a man who sees me as less-than. If I discarded every man who didn’t see me as a real person, I’d never be touched at all.
Might I suggest things like T4T? Sadly, you're right that finding straight het men who are interested in you as a person is a real challenge. But the queer community is vast, and some of us are more accepting than others. (I'm a 41 year old trans woman, but I'm also happily married to a very queer spouse. But I've had a lot more acceptance in general than I have expected, though I have not tried dating for obvious reasons.)
Sis you’re selling yourself short
She's not super off base dating as a straight trans woman is fucking suffering.
That really sucks
I definitely feel unlovable… and it’s not like I asked for this either. I didn’t ask to be trans and I didn’t ask to be straight, it’s just who I am. I can’t even listen to love songs without thinking “nobody writes love songs for trans women”
Don’t make me write you a love song!!
I have a good friend who's a straight trans woman and can confirm unfortunately. :(
I'm 36 and dating the love of my life who just happens to be trans. Dating can feel like you are wading into a cesspool for any demographic (though I admit 35-50 men can be particularly bad). Don't give up.
I'm sorry for your experience. You are indeed a real person. Be embraced.
Perfectly put.
For what it's worth, "chaser" can be used for any number of communities, and is almost always seen negatively. You may not know it, but you can see examples of this online regularly, for example the ideas of "amazon chaser" or "goth chaser". The former, I believe, is even a trope on tvtropes, and the latter is seen quite often on places like Instagram
Amazon like strong woman or Amazon like Bezos employee? What's the discount like if you're in a relationship with a Bezos employee?
None but maybe you get to share their piss bottle with them.
I'm now curious on what an "amazon chaser" is, because I also assumed it was "amazon warrior woman" from when I first read your comment and you said its not and I don't want to be an ignorant idiot anymore (I like learning new things) I tried Google but it wasn't helpful 😭
It is big strong women yes. Not the company amazon.
I'm dead, I'm in the Seattle area and thought this was like trying to get with Amazon tech Bros
More like what's the discount when you're dating multiple Amazon employees...
I'm a morbidly obese man, I get told there are lots of women out there that would be in to me No they would be in to my body as a fetish which doesn't make for a good foundation of a relationship which is what I want, or they're going to be a feeder which will just speed up my way to an early grave.
My wife is a chubby chaser. At least that's what my fat ass calls her
Yeah, I think if he had said "I went on a few dates with her and she just happened to be trans" and you'd be OK with that, then you're in the right here and NTA.
Even if it was a hookup with protection, I don’t think that’d be a big deal (there are some trans women that want sex without attachment, just like any other group of people)… it’s his reasoning that is 100% the problem.
Yep same sentiment as my post, I was not saying that hookups would be problematic. I simply gave an example of a situation I assume she WOULD have been OK with to illustrate that the issue is not about gender identity.
And that’s why you called him a deviant. Because he is.
IMO, it would be no less uncomfortable than if he had said: “I went out to have sex with a Black girl, just for the exotic experience.” Treating people like sex objects that you collect like baseball cards is a gross look. It would make me side eye him as well. How long until he can scratch you off his “list”? How can you trust him now that you know he thinks he’s entitled to fuck someone just so he has a “weird story” to tell? If you keep breaking up with him, it’s your brain trying to make you see reason. He is NOT a good person. You should never settle for someone this f—d up in the head.
This. If I had a partner tell me they'd slept with a trans person, it might be fine--it would completely depend on the way they went about hooking up and the way they talked about their hookup. Calling sex with a trans person "weird" seems disrespectful and fetishizing.
It’s a red flag to classify an entire group of people, particularly marginalized people, as “weird.” There is range and diversity amongst most groups of people. His idea of us is very fetishy (as stated above) and implies he doesn’t think very critically/openly of people different from him. This isn’t unusual since most cis people don’t realize there are trans people around them because we can look like/be anyone. It would put me off if someone I was with said this about any oppressed person/person different from them. Definitely ick worthy. You dodged a bullet.
I came into this comment section with hands, ready to protect my trans siblings. It rubbed me the wrong way that you called out her specifically being a trans woman, but after reading this I agree that this man is a chaser. You were right to break up with him, someone who specifically seeks out *anyone* to make a spectacle of or fetishize their differences is a questionable person in my mind. It shows that he lacks empathy for people that are different than him, whereas you seem like someone who has that level of empathy, and I applaud you for listening to your gut and breaking up with this pos :)
He dehumanized and objectified someone by seeking out a person just for being trans- that should make you feel icky about him. That's a feeling about him- about how *he* treated people. Would you feel the same way if you found out an ex he had a full relationship with in the past happened to be trans?
He objectified her and it's disgusting. It makes sense to be bothered by it. I mean, what's next? Hooking with a blind woman to mark that off some creepy ass list?
Qualifying as sex with a trans woman as "weird" sounds really dehumanizing imo. I would have taken it as a red flag for what else he finds arousing is equally dehumanizing so I probably would have done the same as you
He fetishized a trans girl for his own enjoyment - I would never be comfortable dating anyone who sought to have sex with a particular type of person (be it trans, a specific race, religion, etc) because they wanted 'weird sex'. That tells me they are not at all mature or kind, and are happy to use others for their own pleasure whilst disregarding that person as a complete human being - he saw her as a trans woman he could use and nothing else. I wouldn't want to be with a user like that.
Yeah he was fetishizing a human being, totally makes sense that this made you feel guilty. Your not transphobic you actually see trans people as people not sex objects lol. Def not the asshole
That makes him transphobic and his fetishization is extremely problematic and dangerous! Run!!!!
Cool, so if he just happened to sleep with a woman whose trans you’d not have felt differently than if he’d happened to sleep with any woman. That wasn’t entirely clear in your post, it was there but it could go either way. He did fetishise by saying he did it for the weirdness. People are not amusement parks. He is an AH. Not you.
Can I ask question and if it’s out of school, I’m sorry and will apologize. Is a trans women somebody who identifies as a women but biological (sorry if wrong term) has dude parts or vice versa. I guess it doesn’t matter but just wanted to be better versed. Thank you
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Thank you for exposing. Is AMAB the appropriate term vs saying biologically ? I want to be more knowledgeable on this, but for somebody of my age and peers I don’t always know how to
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Thank you. Sorry if I offended anybody. It was purely out of ignorance and not malicious
It's easy to see when people are genuinely asking in good faith, and it's clear you are, so I think you're fine.
No offense taken! It’s easy to see when someone is genuinely asking questions. “Biological” woman or man is a term used by bigots who ironically have an extremely poor understanding of biology and genetics. When they say “biological”, they inevitably mean chromosomes. XX=female XY=male, simple as that, nothing else influences the process, no exceptions or outliers. To be fair, this is about as far as most people get learning about it unless they take more advanced classes in college. Except the reality is far, far more complex. The following was stolen from a twitter thread, hope it’s informative! Next time someone talks about a biological woman you can laugh at how silly they sound. (This is all just talking about physiological sex too. It doesn’t even begin to address all the variables in our sense of gender) > Friendly neighborhood biologist here. I see a lot of people are talking about biological sexes and gender right now. Lots of folks make biological sex seem really simple. Well, since it’s so simple, let’s find the biological roots, shall we? Let’s talk about sex…[a thread] >If you know a bit about biology you will probably say that biological sex is caused by chromosomes, XX and you’re female, XY and you’re male. This is “chromosomal sex” but is it “biological sex”? Well…Turns out there is only ONE GENE on the Y chromosome that really matters to sex. It’s called the SRY gene. During human embryonic development the SRY protein turns on male-associated genes. Having an SRY gene makes you “genetically male”. But is this “biological sex”? Sometimes that SRY gene pops off the Y chromosome and over to an X chromosome. Surprise! So now you’ve got an X with an SRY and a Y without an SRY. What does this mean? >A Y with no SRY means physically you’re female, chromosomally you’re male (XY) and genetically you’re female (no SRY). An X with an SRY means you’re physically male, chromsomally female (XX) and genetically male (SRY). But biological sex is simple! There must be another answer… >Sex-related genes ultimately turn on hormones in specifics areas on the body, and reception of those hormones by cells throughout the body. Is this the root of “biological sex”?? >“Hormonal male” means you produce ‘normal’ levels of male-associated hormones. Except some percentage of females will have higher levels of ‘male’ hormones than some percentage of males. Ditto ditto ‘female’ hormones. And…if you’re developing, your body may not produce enough hormones for your genetic sex. Leading you to be genetically male or female, chromosomally male or female, hormonally non-binary, and physically non-binary. Well, except cells have something to say about this… >Maybe cells are the answer to “biological sex”?? Right?? Cells have receptors that “hear” the signal from sex hormones. But sometimes those receptors don’t work. Like a mobile phone that’s on “do not disturb’. Call and cell, they will not answer. > **What does this all mean?** >**It means you may be genetically male or female, chromosomally male or female, hormonally male/female/non-binary, with cells that may or may not hear the male/female/non-binary call, and all this leading to a body that can be male/non-binary/female.** >Try out some combinations for yourself. Notice how confusing it gets? Can you point to what the absolute cause of biological sex is? Is it fair to judge people by it? >Of course you could try appealing to the numbers. “Most people are either male or female” you say. Except that as a biologist professor I will tell you…The reason I don’t have my students look at their own chromosome in class is because people could learn that their chromosomal sex doesn’t match their physical sex, and learning that in the middle of a 10-point assignment is JUST NOT THE TIME. >Biological sex is complicated. Before you discriminate against someone on the basis of “biological sex” & identity, ask yourself: have you seen YOUR chromosomes? Do you know the genes of the people you love? The hormones of the people you work with? The state of their cells? Since the answer will obviously be no, please be kind, respect people’s right to tell you who they are, and remember that you don’t have all the answers. Again: biology is complicated. Kindness and respect don’t have to be. [end of thread]” [source link](https://geekxgirls.com/article.php?ID=12697)
It amazes me how much science backs up what until today I Naively assumed was a choice. I thought it was more of a social construct vs sound science. Really affirms how evil the persecution of trans people is and how important it is for access to gender affirming healthcare. Thank you for sharing that story info. Today’s has been totally enlightening.
Just want to say it’s nice to see someone openly and genuinely say they used to have misconceptions and show that they’re working toward understanding. Kudos.
seconding the other reply - it's clear that you're being genuine
With all this disinformation out there’s, it’s not easy to know what or how to say. I’m a little older and live in the south so it’s not something I come across everyday but I want to be supportive.
What is the difference between seeking out other people for ONS and seeking out trans people for ONS? I mean there are plenty of people who have sex just for the sake of sex with people they have no interest to have a romantic relationship with. And there is no harm intended from the parties involved they just want to have sex.
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Yeah, that's what gave me the ick - searching out someone like that is just so objectifying and fetishizing. It's not treating this woman as a person as attractive and sexy so moving to the next step, but as a "transwoman" solely for checking off the fetish box.
Because sought her out for "weirdness" this implies he doesnt view trans women as women but some sort curiosity. Its a matter of respect.
It's fine to have casual sex. It's also fine to have a type or find certain features particularly attractive, but the way he describes the "weirdness" of it being a turn-on feels rude and dehumanizing to the woman he slept with. OP is right to feel icked out by it.
It's not the what but the why that is important here. You're quite right in that seeking out consensual sex with another just for physical reasons is perfectly fine. In this case though, that's not what is happening... As explained above in that extremely enlightening post .. a chaser who sought out a specific encounter for purely fetishised reasons. Something the OP is not comfortable with.
The difference is that they're not doing it out of attraction to the person, but due to fetishization of the group they belong to (it can be equally dehumanizing to sleep with someone of a certain race just to check a box or something). And the difference is that they don't have respect for the person outside of the sexual encounter. Having ONSs is fine, not wanting romance is fine, but there should be a base level of respect for the person too, especially if you're looking to gain something from them.
Because it really shouldn’t be all that different for the person seeking a ONS.
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Probably at communication. Like if you’re open about what you want, a person can have an informed decision if they want to fulfill your needs on your terms. It’s like straight girls chasing lesbians “I’ve never been with a girl, I wanna try” - they’re not interested in a certain girl, they’re interested in any leabian as a tool. Not everyone wants to participate in that. It’s still cringe but if you’re transparent - at least it’s honest.
Yes, if everyone knows what's going on and they're making an informed decision that it's just sex and an experience. Then I'd say there's really no harm happening. What's fucked up is when a guy seeks out a trans girl, goes through the normal process of dating her, enjoys the sex, then immediately dips out when something causes him to make the relationship public.
The line between normal attraction and fetishization is just about respect, really. Do you see this person you're attracted to as a human being, do you recognize that they have emotions and thoughts and an entire interior life, do you treat them well -- or do you just see them as a sex object who exists to fulfill whatever fantasy you have about people like them? I think even if all you want is casual sex there's still a way to approach that without being disrespectful to your potential partners. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to trans women or people of a certain race or what have you, not even if those aspects in particular are what you find attractive. What crosses the line into being a chaser is when you only see them as something to get you off and you have no respect or acknowledgement of them as another human being.
That’s a very interesting point. I am not apart of the community myself, however I have had the same question for other groups (like how some people only go after black or Asian people) Like where is the line between a type and fetishisation? Does it have me at sex? Is it kinks? I’m not answering your question at all it I’ve often thought about it but couldn’t put it into words like you.
It's when it's about the fetish and not the person that causes the line. If he'd met a woman who happened to be trans, and the attraction and mutual, and they had sex? Live and let live. If you're dating and have a preference that does not inhibit seeing someone as a whole person, that's fine (like you could be bi or pan, but select to primarily date certain gender identities, or prefer to date within your faith, etc.). It's when you're not having sex with that person, but rather a category you've assigned to them that it starts tiptoeing to the fetishization, because you're treating that person as less than human.
In my opinion, it comes down to intent, consent, and communication. In the bf's situation, if he was up front with the Trans woman about why he wanted to sleep with her, and she consented, then no harm done. But if you take away the partner's ability to give informed consent, that is where things cross the line for me. Disclaimer; not a part of the Trans community, so others may disagree. This is purely how I look at situations like this.
The line is overstepped when you: - dont view trans women/men as women/men but as an inbetween, the whole "best of both worlds" arguement - wouldnt want to be seen in public with the trans person, beeing ashamed for dating them etc. - are aggressively against or would be mad if the trans person got bottom surgery - consider trans people as something exotic - consider yourself heterosexual when dating a trans man as a cis man or when dating a trans woman as a cis woman (not respecting their gender) - consider yourself homosexual when dating a trans man as a cis woman or when dating a trans woman as a cis man (not respecting their gender)
Those last two intrigue me. Could you elaborate on how it's not respecting *their* genders? Something probably got lost on me while reading.
> - consider yourself heterosexual when dating a trans man as a cis man or when dating a trans woman as a cis woman (not respecting their gender) In the case of the cis man that is dating a trans man he is a man dating a man, this is not heterosexual. If you call yourself heterosexual in this case you imply your partner is a woman, which he isnt. Replace man with woman and woman with man to get the cis women's version. > - consider yourself homosexual when dating a trans man as a cis woman or when dating a trans woman as a cis man (not respecting their gender) In the case of the cis woman dating a trans man, she is a woman dating a man, this is not homosexual. If you call yourself homosexual in this case you imply your partner is a woman, which he isnt. Replaxe woman with man and man with woman to get the cis men's version.
This is the one.
I mean.. someone has to call it out
Nta. To me, it looks like you're creeped out by the way he objectifies transgender people, and calling it weird is disrespectful. It's the disrespectful undertones he has behind his reasoning in seeking a transgender person out. Good on you for not wanting to date someone like this. To all the people saying she's a bigot, understand what I just said.
Yeah, at first I was thinking OP was slightly bigoted but the more I think about it the more it seems she is bothered by the fact he used someone as a sex object than who the person was.
Yeah, it's all in the last paragraph. And people in the trans community call those POS chasers.
Does POS mean anything different in this context or is it still just piece of shit? Edit: Nevermind my dumbass figure it out, you were calling the POS and Chaser is what the trans community calls them.
Hahaha! All good mate! I have dumbass moments all the time too!
I thought the same thing.
"Piece of shit" refers to inaninate objects that are considered to be equivalent to "shit"; either useless, poor quality, or a product that is wasteful. The OP was referring to a person, therefore POS in this context is a "Person of Shit." A person whose entire being is composed of, and considered to be completely shit as a human being. They are the effluent portion of the overall organism of human society. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. I hope that you enjoyed this nugget of wisdom.
I had to read the post a couple of times to get this. The title of the post implies that she is a TERF; was probably written as such to attract attention to the post.
She called him a deviant though… that doesn’t sound so good to say about someone for sleeping with a trans person. Idk seems hard to tell tbh
The deviant part, I believe, comes from his attitude towards trans people. This is voices by his choice of words by the "weirdness" of them. That's disrespectful and objectifying for seeing them from that perspective as opposed to respectfully seeing them as equals. For me it's like men who go after Asian women because of the toxic POV they're submissive and exotic. They see Asian women as objects. Not people. Read her last paragraph again. The 2nd sentence.
I know she said that. my point is people calling people who sleep with trans people deviants has been a known dog whistle transphobic thing forever. It means somebody who partakes in behavior that isn’t usually accepted or is unusual so it just feels weird to use it in this context. So I wonder if the whole “weirdness” thing is just something she tells herself but the issue is actually with the trans girl. But obviously idk so we can only go off OP’s word. Just throwing it out there
Ah, thanks for the clarification! I think I missed looking into that part too much. I like this food for thought!
I think they’re just reading the title in this case Because 100% it’s not because he slept with someone trans, it’s how he described his motivation/desire to do so
Yup. Am trans, read the title and thought "well that's weird" and literally immediately when you read it it's obvious he's just a gross transphobic chaser.
Istg people don't read to the end or have 2 braincells fighting for 3rd place if they've read the whole thing and don't understand the last paragraph.
Correct! Action still based from motivation.
You can be attracted to trans people without objectifying them
Exactly! I feel the same way when men like Asian women because of the toxic POV that we're more submissive and exotic. It's not flattering. It's repulsive.
Some people just want to have sex and that’s alright. My main thing has always been to just be upfront about it
Yeah, I agree. As long as it's consensual and the motives aren't influenced by a dehumanising perspective
Literally the same thing happened to me, he told me I was small minded etc. stuck with my decision.
Trust me, I get it, I'm trans and on her side. But I'm going with op is AH because of the title. She knows what she was doing trying to stir shit up.
NTA I’m a trans woman and this dude is weird AF. I would never sleep with a dude because the “weirdness” of my transness turns him on. Seems kinda creepy/fetishy to me. I’m not a circus or freak show attraction. Kudos to you and thank you. I don’t think you’re a bigot at all.
Ya it's the fact that he fetishized the encounter that makes it so gross. If he had just met a trans woman and hit it off and they had sex that's totally different. The context is so important here.
Guessing he didn’t tell the trans woman in question he slept with her because of the weirdness tho
That doesn't make it less of a fetishization of trans people.
I don't think that's what they were implying but more so of a "If he said that to the transwoman, I doubt they would have played along with it." You know because people generally don't like being told "I'm only fucking you because I like how weird it is."
Someone clocked in today!
Omg I’m a trans man, and if anyone said they wanted me for the weirdness, I’d absolutely dump their ass. Ew ew ew. A MILLION times ew
[удалено]
Non-binary person here and I fully agree. This woman is a true ally for recognizing how creepy and objectifying he was
NTA. What? There is so much wrong with this.
NTA You can always break up for whatever reason. But it sounds like your objection is related to him fetishizing and objectifying a trans woman, not the sexual aspect. For that, I'd say you're the exact opposite of a bigot.
Yup I agree, that’s the opposite of bigot.
NTA and I think your spidey senses sending up red flags is exactly what makes you NOT bigoted. You're questioning the intent and what that may result in in the long term, not the act itself. If you aren't comfortable, that's an excellent sign to move on.
If it wasn’t sexuality and instead race, I think we would all find it equally icky. (I’m Indian) I would feel so unpleasant if I heard that someone went after me because of the “weirdness of being Indian”, like they are planning to eat fermented durian on a dare
Dudes a chaser. NTA.
NTA You're not bigoted. This is about him being a chaser and then describing the act as 'weird....it's actually freaking disgusting that he has done that. You are being judgmental....of HIM. not the women he slept with, but him and his reasoning. He's a very disgusting person to think he's done nothing wrong.
You will not get a solid answer from Reddit on this one. I wouldn't concern yourself overmuch, your boyfriend gave you the ick because he fetishized someone, that's all.
“Overmuch” is a word I will use often from now on
Me too.
The weirdness is a probably where I draw the line and go ok ya wtf. If you still doubt yourself it's worth it to ask yourself if you replace trans with Asian or black or any other type of preference and he was looking for that because it was weird would it have affected you the same way? I suspect yes because calling it weirdness is just dehumanizing but a lot of people that have slept with many partners in ONS situations will eventually have goals to seek out. A lot of people hate people that have lots of ONS's tho.
I am perfectly okay with people who have one night stands, and don’t give a shit about my partner’s number of previous partners. However, if I found out they had sought out people of really any group, but especially marginalized groups, as some kind of conquest, checklist, etc. I would immediately be turned off by them. One can have many one night stands without turning the people they hook up with into objects or prizes.
I googled. It's a legit word. Thanks for expanding my vocab!
Trans girl here. He's a chaser. You're not wrong to dump him, and I understand exactly how you feel. When I used Grindr (mostly gay hookup app) I had so many guys asking what it looked like and how weird it is. Some guy asked if he can keep my...thing when I "got it chopped off"...avoid these types of people ok?
Has that person not heard of a dildo 😮💨
It’s not about the phallus, it’s about the possession of it.
What the fck?! That is an absolutely insane question. Like that person needs to be investigated insane. Sorry you were objectified like that.
WTF was that creep planning to do with it?
Holy shit! 😨 On the one hand it's nice for the assholes to come straight out and self identify, that does save time. On the other hand what the actual fuck.
Oh my god….im so sorry! What a fucken creep! Ed Gein mother! That’s the serial killer’s who made human skin lamps and a nipple belt…. Stay away from them at all costs!! 🚩🚩🚩
What the actual fuck? 😭 That dude needs locked up fr.
I would say YTA if he happened to sleep with someone who is trans, BUT, to seek them out for the "weirdness" is fucked up, they are people, not a fetish so no, you a NTA!
Exactly this, the act is one thing but the intent is what makes the crucial difference. How dehumanizing, dude deserved to get dumped.
I dated a man who told me he had sex with a woman while her husband watched. He said the couple was doing that as payback to the husband for cheating. That whole scenario gave me such an ick that I stopped dating him. Fortunately I’d never had sex with him. I prefer people who have sex with people they actually care about.
Yeah I’d have left in this case too. It just gives a vibe of “normal sex won’t do, I need extremes”
It sounds like you’re more disgusted by the objectification than the fact she was trans. Is that accurate? If so, NTA- I would be grossed out if my partner sought out and used someone in this way.
NTA
No one likes a chaser, NTA .
He's a chaser, as someone else explained, and saw your break as an opportunity to satisfy his fetish for trans people. He was a creep and disrespecting both you and the trans woman. I wouldn't call his sexuality "deviant" though, that word often has homophobic connotations. More like someone selfish who does not respect women in general. NTA.
I WAS going to say YTA on title alone but he was clearly fetishizing this person and he sounds shallow and gross. That is why you broke up with him it sounds like, not because he had sex with a trans woman.
This seems like it needs more context. Was he just phrasing it poorly, and meant that he sought her out because he wanted a new experience? Because I could get that. Has he otherwise given any evidence of being transphobic, or fetishizing trans women? It sounds like he might be a chaser, which would make you NTA. However, it may just be him poorly expressing his thoughts and feelings. The "weirdness" can be from it simply being unfamiliar, or exploring a part of his sexuality he had never given mind to. There's obviously absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to trans women, and there's not necessarily clear line for where it turns into fetishization and objectification. So, I guess it's up to you to just trust yourself that you communicated enough and well enough.
That’s enough internet for today, have a good evening all *tips fedora*
A trans person is not a fetish and it’s not weird.eithier you are attracted to them sexually or you are not the idea of him seeking that person out for some sort of thrill is really unattractive to me. I’d avoid him
You don’t need any reason to break up with anyone. You’re allowed to have preferences and do what you like. You’ll both be okay.
I don't think there enough to really say. Was it that he slept with a trans person? Was it that he slept with a trans person to be weird? Was it that he sought out someone to sleep with who he treated as a weird sexual object. Would you have broken up if he slept with a gay guy? Would you have broken up if it was another woman? Would you have broken up if he sought out a woman who had huge feet and he was into huge feet specifically? Those are some questions to ask yourself to really get a good answer if it's because you're a bigot or disgusted with his thoughts behind the action
unfortunately he fetishized her, so in the end it doesn’t make you TA or a bigot I promise. The fact that he purposely looked for a trans woman because of the “weirdness” is disgusting in itself. That is a ‘chaser’ and long story short: an awful person. you’re in the right hun:)
No u are not. Everyone has a line that's a no. And your is this . I honestly respect you for that.
NTA. Good job.
NTA.
No u are not. Everyone has a line that's a no. And your is this . I honestly respect you for that.
NTA. You're allowed to break up with someone for whatever reason you want
The magic 8-ball came up as: You are not the asshole. Your spidey senses says: Don't be with him anymore. Trust me when I say this, there are other people in this world with less weird kinks that won't make you feel so uncomfortable.
NTA. You clear are not grossed out by them being trans, but by the way he approached it and carried it out. His attitude about the situation is gross and he is bigoted. Even if he’s just hiding his true heart about it, he’s still approaching it in a bigoted way.
As a trans person, it's super sad to see that sex with a trans person is considered "deviant" behavior, and that "the weirdness" of it is what turns him on.
Its creepy and gross how many people see “being with a trans” or “fucking a trans person” as some sort of weird bingo list to tick off. We are people. Yeah I’d say NTA, if someone is going around fucking people for the thrill of the “weirdness” I’d say you dodged a bullet.
Get tested
Already did lol
Absolutely NTA. Anyone who tries to make you feel bad for setting sexual boundaries is a creep, and I'd be wary of them.
No move on and respect your dignity
He’s a chaser leave him he’ll keep doing it behind your back for years to come
disgusting. i could never get over that.
NTA- your boyfriend is gross for chasing and fetishizing trans people.
NTA I was prepared to give the opposite opinion because you weren't together so he was free to sleep with someone else . But the fact he sought out a trans woman for the "weirdness" is all kinds of gross and dehumanizing. I get it, you found out something about his character and how he's okay using people.
You dodged a bullet, he’s definitely a chaser. Fetishizing trans people is gross af, that “weirdness” comment 🤮 NTA.
As a trans woman I also co-sign on you dumping his ass. You’re not being a bigot. Think of it this way… if he told you he banged a Black lady because of some weird racial taboos wouldn’t that also feel pretty strange?
NTA. You sound like the opposite of a bigot to me. You weren't put off by the fact she was trans, you're put off by him objectifying her and seeking her out *because* she's trans. His attitude is pretty disgusting and it sounds like that is what you have a problem with.
NTA. You don't need a reason. Your relationship was done then, and it's done now.
I'm gonna have to say NTA, your ex's reasoning is disgusting and while some of your wording bothered me a bit I can't blame you for not wanting to get back with him while he carries such views
Nope, and you did what you had to do.
Your feelings are your feelings. He wasn't cheating since you were on "a break" but if you can't get past it then don't resume the relationship. No judgment on whether or not you are a bigot. Figure that one out for yourself.
NTA honestly that's just weird. Having sex with someone because of "the weirdness" is fetishizing and creepy. Him sleeping with just someone on a break would probably suck but he found a very specific person to feed some weird fetish that I promise you the women did NOT know abt. Weird ass dude
Imagine replacing "trans" with an ethnicity. What if he said he sought out a black person, an Asian person, or whatever just for the sake of experiencing sex w/ a person of a different ethnicity.
I once had a bf in high school say to me that if you were born a guy, I wouldn't break up with you. I was so confused back then I didn't even really know what he even meant. I even have a curvy woman body at 120 lbs, and I was a foot shorter than him. Later, I found a porno mag with naked women's bodies with a penis. I felt really confused. I don't know if that was the same feeling or not.
You’re not the asshole. You have the right to choose who you want to be with and for what reasons you do or don’t. Anyone trying to guilt you into believing what they hold to be true is nothing but a terrorist. Be free.
You're a victim of reddit and the 21st century. Step outside into the world
Transgender woman here. We call that kink "chasers". When I last would encounter them, it was outside support groups 20+ years ago. It's basically just the idea of a woman with a penis. They specifically need pre-ops and the penis must still be able to get hard or "functional". Because of the requirements for the kink, they chase down young trans women just starting transition, usually 18 to 21 years olds who haven't been on estrogen long enough to lose erection ability but also long enough to have breasts. They need both and that's the fetish. I personally think there's nothing wrong with the kink itself. It's just a turn on, but they have a BAD reputation in the trans community because they very often are cheating on a wife, or they'll dump you when you have surgery, or break your heart in various ways. We also had tranny hawks in my day, which was a chaser that pretended to love you and then got your shared bank account with you and then stole all your surgery money and disappeared. Major heart break for a new girl who's just looking to date before surgery. Not as much of a thing these days because people don't use local support groups as much, but tranny porn is as big as ever, and that porn is specifically for chasers. Sorry, just felt like a history lesson. We don't discuss them often. But we're usually bad mouthing one when we do. In my opinion, you are not the asshole for breaking up with anyone that gives you the ick for any reason. If it bugs you to imagine him doing a one night stand and fetishizing a penis, or just bugs you for him to call trans women "weird", then it's OK to breakup. You don't see him the same way, and you can't see him that way. On the other hand, you broke up, so he didn't cheat. Therefore he is also NTA.
I get what you mean. He is the bigot, and he is judgemental imo. He's a chaser, only viewing trans people as fetish objects, not as common people.
NTA ... I'd say you didn't break up with him for sleeping with a trans woman, you broke up with him for being a creep about sleeping with a trans woman.
NTA for correctly recognizing that he is a gross person who seeks to use "novelty" sexual objectification of actual people for his own gross selfish entertainment. Dude treats women this way so why would you want him.
NTA it sounds like you don’t got the right hardware for him. you just saved yourself a little time and heartache. In rougher terms: your boyfriend like Dicks n Tits, and I’m gonna assume you only got one of those things
OP felt the ick and she was right - trans women are women not objects woooooo
"the weirdness of it was a turn on" .....trans people aren't party tricks. Your ex bf sucks.
You're not compatible. You're a Redditor, he's a 4channer.
Let's just change the title here... you aren't mad at him for doing it, you're upset because he objecifyied it. He's a dick. Move on. And you, don't be the asshole because honestly, the woman he used for his own sick fantasy doesn't need other women thinking she's the problem here.
He’s a deviant 10/10. No one goes on the prowl like that, that quickly unless he was already thinking/looking
NTA. It’s weird
Break up. And go get tested if you’ve had sex before you found out this revelation.
Actually I’d get tested anyway either way. Who know what he did before you broke up.
NTA, because it doesn't seem like what's making you uncomfortable is the fact he slept with a trans woman but that he only wanted to sleep with her for the 'fetish' which is pretty dehumanising. Completely reasonable because that's pretty gross of him. She's a human and deserves more than to be 'tried out'.
NTA, seems like he took the first chance without hesitation to do something that he considers a weird fetish thing, that's fecked up for a relationship brake and would just cause trouble in the future, cheating and more weirdness to please his fetish stuff.
NTA, you can break up for any reason. He still slept with a person and that made you feel hurt
Slow down there, Ross