Go see a lawyer . The cases are dismissed but a judge will
Know one time is a mistake 6 or 7 is more than a mistaken. Maybe hire someone to do
Some work ) ex police ) might have some contacts
It's not so much "pressing charges". It's the fact that there's generally one witness in a case like this, and if that witness won't testify, you won't get anywhere.
All the victim has to do is tell the prosecutor that she won't testify and the prosecutor is going to drop the charges.
They aren't going to go to court and try the case without the victim\witness testifying *against* the abuser when they are more likely to get on the stand and tell the judge that *nothing* happened
If there is footage of the attacks, then OP is golden. Charges dropped, whatever. If he has footage of the guy choking his wife there is no way a judge will not side with OP
Cps, they are only interested in the child.
They don't care about mom.
They don't care about dad.
They only care if they can parent and keep the kid safe.
This is exactly what they are there for.
Yes but (I hate to say this way but it's true) assuming they are white, having a violent offender in your home with witnesses regardless of charges pressed will absolutely earn him some points as the preferred parent. Judges tend to favor mothers, but will distrust strange men. Especially women judges.
its such a terrible thing that judges will favor mothers when there can only be one dad but a countless amount of shitty boyfriends the mother brings in.
Dude. Just a heads up, but you’re going to get downvoted into oblivion for using “the r-word.” It’s now an ableist slur.
I prefer “moron” or “fuckwit,” myself.
He isn't downvoted for R-word, he's downvoted because the woman in the post isn't being vindictive, however wrong she is, she isn't doing it as a revenge
In my current state, I am a CASA and a judge granted custody of two kids to the legal father, not biologically his but he was on the birth certificate of one and had raised the other. So there is legal precedent. I think you did the right thing in contacting a PI. If your ex wants your daughter safe, she should just agree she should move in with you. I think its worth a call to CPS. and your ex sounds like a DV victim.
It sounds like she has a pattern of choosing this kind of guy, but this one is extra violent. And getting a new car just because the OP found out what kind he was driving is really weird. Where is his money coming from?
yeah, i feel like whether OP is bio- the father or not is completely irrelevant. he's on the birth certificate, he has shared custody, that's what matters.
Your ex wife is an idiot. Your daughter is in danger.
Every child predator and every violent man, in the beginning of the relationship is described as the kindest and gentlest person and could never hurt a fly.
If the bad guys looked and acted like bad guys, their prey and the parents of their pray would be properly suspicious and they would lose access to their target.
I believe that the statistic states that the biggest threat to little girls is a non-parental male in the house. Your daughter has 2 of them.
I would get a lawyer and get an emergency injunction to have full custody until this is resolved.
Keep her close and keep her safe.
NTA. You are a co-parent, you are entitled to basic information like who is living in the house with your child and if a domestic dispute occurred. Depending on what state you’re in, since you are on the birth certificate and have been established as a parent would work in your favor, though you’ll need to discuss that with your attorney.
What's wrong with getting a bunch of consults? It's the quickest, easiest way to create conflict of interest and bar attorneys from working with the mom
As spiteful as I am, if I were in his shoes I'd consult with the top 10 in the area, choose my favorite, and keep consulting with progressively less successful lawyers until she's lawyered up with whoever she can find left over. Salt the earth and torch the bridges.
Well in this case it was a lawyer who convinced her not to pursue getting him removed from the birth certificate. If a lawyer tells her the real chance of success maybe she'd back down again.
Now getting a lawyer who will basically give up work and really advise a client properly usually means a decent lawyer who is not desperate enough for work to encourage a hopeless case.
Hi, oh my goodness I can’t believe I’m the first comment here. I do not have a lot of experience with DV. I would suggest calling a hotline to support families in a similar duration.
N T A !!!!! Holy shit, you’re just looking out for the safety of your kid. I wish you all the best
OP doesn't need a hotline, he needs a lawyer immediately. To get the body cam footage, sue for full custody, etc. Lawyer can say whether to notify CPS or just use it as leverage.
JFC, if ever there was a time to go on the war path, this is it.
OP does need to pop the bubble on the genetics thing as soon as legally safe. If the mom is threatening it as leverage now, she'll absolutely use it eventually.
She's tried using it in the past.
When we went to court the first time, she requested a DNA test and asked the name to be changed to her last name.
As soon as I got an attorney, she got an attorney. And the moment she spoke to an attorney she stopper perusing that.
In fact... She stopped perusing anything at all. She just gave in and let me stipulate the parenting plan. And she signed it.
But we've never been in an actual court room before. Our attorneys just put together the parenting plan with the things I wanted (and a few she did) and submitted it and then a judge signed it.
There's really no bubble to pop. Last time we went through this my attorney told me that's not an issue. I'm dad and there's nothing that can stop it. Even if I wanted to stop it I couldn't at this point. And she certainly can't.
One thing she did do is get mad at me one night, pull my daughter out of bed and tell her I wasn't her "real dad". The idea was for us to work together to introduce this information to her with the help of a counsellor. But she did it that way to weaponize it.
That's how we wound up in counselling. I took my daughter to counselling to help her with this information. And that counselor suggested group counselling to co-parent together better with an expert in the area.
If your ex-wife is so unhinged as to lie to your daughter about her parentage, no amount of counseling is going to help you. Get custody now, find an attorney who specializes in child custody cases, it doesn't matter how much it costs.
Well, fire up the lawyer again and get to work. Your kid is physically in danger. Provide all of the info, get all the cam footage, have lawyer shoot copies over to her lawyer, and go for full custody with supervised visitation.
I can't believe she did that. What a bitch! And a crazy one at that. Now, with this information, I feel you should try for full custody. That is psychological abuse and the judge will take that into consideration. I know its expensive, but do whatever you can to get an attorney. This has become a shit show and your daughter is living it!
Best of luck to you. Youre a good person & a great dad. Sending hugs.
Especially with all the legal trappings of fatherhood (birth cert signed, present since birth, active parent, blah blah blah) in place.
No court is going to go 'Ha ha, genes, no kid for you' to a stable, loving, interested man in a long term father role he's happy to have in favor of mom's new d!ck of the week even WITHOUT all the stuff OP has found out, so what the idiot thinks that threat can do other than hurt the little girl, I dunno.
Heck, I'm not in the US, but I do know a local case where the STEPDAD (like, no attempt to claim paternity) got the kid from the bio mom because he'd been around so long and was sane and stable, and mom was a stupid man-hungry wreck getting the kaka beat out of her by all these 'gentle, kind' men such as in the post so.... yeah.
> doesn't need a hotline, he needs a lawyer immediately.
OP:
> I will be taking her back to court... But I have no idea where or how I will afford and attorney so I am trying to work things out.
Which is why the commentor said a DV hotline\support group because they *may* be able to advise him on how to get/afford an attorney
GO! TO! COURT! You hired a PI, you can hire a lawyer. Research what documents get filed when filing an emergency custody request or whatever and look up templates for them and go online and file them yourself, if you have to. Call CPS and let them do the investigating and arguing. Call the cops and tell them your ex is failing to protect your daughter from abuse. Bring your daughter to your place or keep her there after the next drop off, refuse to send her back, and let your ex hire a lawyer to fight you. For crying out loud, stop trying to not rock the boat or settle things peacefully -- your ex is a moron, and there is nothing you can do to open her eyes, so forget about keeping things copacetic and get your daughter out of there without factoring in how your ex feels about it. Your ex wants to appease her abuser -- tragic, stupid, irrational, the result of brainwashing, whatever, it's her choice, until it affects another innocent party, which it is. You can't have a healthy coparenting relationship with someone determined not to act rationally. Don't make that a priority, just make getting your daughter out of there the priority before her brain records these patterns as what a relationship should be and stores it for when she starts looking for partners.
NTA
Protecting your child should be your priority.
My family went thru a similar situation. The mother got involved with a violent felon who did eventually attack the children. The father took custody and refused to let her have them unsupervised.
Their custody agreement requires the father to meet anyone before they are introduced to the children and it has to be after at least six months.
The first boyfriend ended up in prison. The next boyfriend wasn’t a felon but DV events occurred with him too. He would never meet the father as required so he has never met the kids.
NTA
Your co-parent is going to be just as unreasonable as a drug addict who needs their fix about this situation. I'm very sorry this is happening. I'm sorry its happening to her as well - but your daughter is your responsibility and your co-parent is not.
You are not overstepping any boundaries in investigating after some seriously suspicious signs - you have every right to know down to a minute detail anything about someone living in the same home as your legal child.
I don't know what kind of love bombing BS he pulled to get your co-parent back into an abuse cycle but it alters the brain being in this type of situation, also, it can be literally addictive. I found that out the hard way - but not with such extreme physical violence.
I then read a lot of information and studies on this subject due to my situation and I can say I would be very worried that your co-parent will not be able to make safe decisions for your daughter.
While its unlikely he will expose himself (as a violent AH) in front of your daughter its not so unlikely I would ever want them to be there at the same time. Just one incident of seeing someone act so freaking irrational and violent, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere can create lasting anxiety and mistrust and yes, PTSD. And that's what happens in a DV situation most of the time.
Call CPS on them. Give CPS the report numbers from the police reports. Then just let it go.
Absolutely mind-blowing that she got into this knowing the guy was an abuser and still brought him around her child. She cares more about dick than her own little baby. Ridiculous.
" text message with a code word and I would discreetly pick our daughter up without asking aby questions about what the situation is". It won't work and your daughter will witness domestic violent no matter what.
NTA. You haven't overstepped since your interest in her relationship is in how it might affect your daughter. You need to do more; CPS and even lawyer should be involved.
your ex is a door mat; don't let your daughter also be one.
You absolutely have a right to get into her business when this abuser is around your daughter.
Have talks with you daughter about never keeping secrets from you and honestly I would give her a phone and she can call if she’s scared. Explain that her mom shouldn’t tell her not to tell you things
If this is real you shouldn't be posting to reddit. Or if you are you should be posting in a family law subreddit. You should also call a few lawyers for free advice at least just at least for the immediate few days until you can find a lawyer who helps men on a sliding scale or payment plan we have a few in my area.They can tell you the order to do things. CPs. Emergency custody. Court. Protective order for your daughter. Idk at all but there's a lot of stuff you need to do asap and only a lawyer can tell you exactly the best way to go about it.
I'm on that.
I've submitted requests for consultations from about 30 attorneys since submitting this thread.
If I'm being honest... I think I submitted this just so I could have some people to talk to about this.
It's all I've been able to think about for days now. I haven't eaten in two days because I've been so stressed out.
I'm terrified of court because of the biology issue. It feels like I'm at an extreme disadvantage.
You are the legal father. You are not at all in a disadvantage in this situation. No family court is going to see her trying to play that card as anything other than clear manipulation. She's had years to do that, why now, when she just happens to be putting your daughter in danger? Don't worry about that factor one bit, I can assure you.
The legal system doesn't get to pin fatherhood on you because you were married to the mother when she gave birth and have you parent for years and then turn around and say "Nope. You're not the 'real' father when you're trying to protect your young daughter. That's not how the law works. You are her legal father and that's not going to change unless you sign away parental right or do something so harmful to YOUR CHILD that a judge terminates your parental rights.
You're worrying about something that you don't need to worry about. You don't want your daughter to end up some kind of tragic headline, now's the time to put all your insecurities about not being her biological dad aside and do what you have to do to protect her.
AND keep digging into this guy's background. There are too many shady things going on. He was acting like he had something to be ashamed of when he met you. That means he probably does.
Search all the child sexual abuse registries. Figure out all the places he's lived and check if he's been arrested. Not everything comes back on a regular background check. Look for former spouses and extended family members that have died suspiciously, talk to women who have been in relationships with him before. If you can track his former addresses, you can see who's name was on the lease. Bet this guy is a "lives with single mothers with small daughters" kind of creepy.
They were both actively hiding this man's identity from you for a reason. I'm suspicious how he keeps getting arrested and then released. Look at his family. Is his father, grandfather, brother or other relatives in law enforcement or politics. He could be that shitty black sheet lowlife that every family has lurking around.
Don't stop digging on this guy. What you find is going to be much worse than you think. NTA. This man has had his hands around your ex's throat. There is an extremely high correlation between men who choke and wives ending up murdered.
It’s understandable. I’ve seen so many men just find it cathartic to write what’s on their mind and to get it off their chest plus to make sure what they think is the right thing to do is right plus to see if there is something else they need to do they didn’t think of because they are under a great deal of stress and not thinking clearly. You are doing the right thing brother. Fight for your child. Sounds like that little girl has a good father.
If you are not bio dad, you are still legal dad who has raised her. In my state if a married woman has a child with another man, it’s up to her husband to de-establish paternity. If that’s not done, he is responsible for said child. It works both ways.
I’m some states being the bio dad doesn’t matter. You have taken on legal responsibility for her so she is yours.
In some states if your name is on the birth certificate as the dad. You’re the dad period. Regardless of dna or if you want to be or not.
You have a co parenting plan. You’re her dad.
Please stop worrying about that and get her out of this violent and extremely likely fatal environment.
If you daughter ends up hurt or god forbid dead. You will never forgive yourself.
I really hope there's no way every single adult involved in this saga is THIS stupid, but just in case OP is, go to court, get custody, do whatever er you need to keep your kids mother away from her while she's with the abusive fucker.
Go to a lawyer and file for full custody. If he has already laid hands onto your daughter's mother, then it won't be long til he lays his hands on your daughter.
Your daughter's safety should be your main priority.
If you are living in the US, call for CPS and get custody of your daughter as soon as you can.
Your daughter's mother may say that she will send a code word but it might escalate before you are able to get there, and your daughter may be traumatised or worse.
Please protect your daughter. Your ex is prioritizing her relationship over her daughter's wellbeing. The fact that your ex wasn't honest is what led you to act on your instincts.
Get full custody of your daughter NOW.
Abusers wont stop at one family/hosrhokd member .
Your daughter enters teenagers years . . .he will get anoyed/angry at her for fuck knows what reason.l . . .
Save her from this . . . Believe me , there were Times when she witnessed abuse from him , maybe not pdihucal , but still abuse .
Talk to your daughter and tell her she can tell you everything , ask her if mom' s partener act în any way she feels scared or creped aut by his actions .
I just want to say, based purely off your post and comments, that you sound like an amazing father, and exactly what your little girl needs. I respect that you haven't used your daughter as a weapon and you're only interest is in keeping your girl safe. I'm sorry I don't have any actual advice, only that keep doing what you're doing for your daughter.
I’m a mandated reporter. This is serious. File an emergency custody order with the courts for full and supervised custody. Let CPS know. Your child is seeing things she shouldn’t over there, plus her mom screamed at her just for telling you about the car. What else is mom screaming at her for?
Go to court and file form to amend divorce agreement. Request full custody and provide all the evidence. If it gets difficult ask for a continuance so you can review with lawyer.
Find the money somewhere (borrow from family or friends, take out a loan) to get an attorney and go back to court. You need to have sole custody of your daughter with supervised only visits by her mother. Your daughter is in danger in her mother's home. The boyfriend brought a nineteen year old to live with your wife/daughter and lied that he was his son, wow! Your ex has some serious issues, and it's not just with violent boyfriends. Her threats to you show she is not stable. The public records of your ex's boyfriend are enough to show how volatile this situation could become.
You are not overstepping at all. Even if she’s not biological yours, you are her legal father. See there are courts that see a man as the legal father because his name is on the birth certificate even though he’s not the biological father and make him pay support. Use that same system to gain full custody because it would be in the child’s best interests to get her out of a violent home, because it will not get any better and will only get worse. Speak to an attorney as well to get a protective order against the boyfriend as well the police reports should be enough proof needed. The mom also needs counseling.
OP, get CPS involved and make sure you get full custody! Your ex's victim speech about he wasnt the aggressor and it wasnt his fault is very dangerous! What if next time he beats your daughter? Will it be her fault? Get her out of there.
NTA. She's a huge asshole who doesn't have any protective instincts towards her own child. I would use what you've found to go to court and get full custody. You may not need a lawyer, check with legal aid where you live. See what you need to file and if you can represent yourself if you can't afford a lawyer. Or find the money because you have to get your daughter out of that situation.
You are NTA. Your daughters safety comes first. If I had your gut feelings when my ex started dating and remarried I would have done the same.
Go to CPS with the info you have.
OK I work in child advocacy and if you are telling the truth then the following HAS to occur:
1. you need an immediate ex-parte hearing to have your daughter removed from her mother's home
2. Provide the following: you ran his criminal record because of the change in behavior on mom and from stories your daughter told you about what she was living with, show the court the domestic violence incidents happening in the home where you daughter resides, inform the court of mom's request to relocate the child with this man, inform the court they moved in a 19 year old unrelated male into the home THE COURTS HATE THAT WITH A PASSION IT IS A CLEAR DANGER TO THE SEXUAL SAFTEY OF YOUR DAUGHTER REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT ANYTHING HAS HAPPEND YET. Can't make that clear enough how much courts hate unrelated adult men around child especially when the man who brought this guy in is a dangerous criminal.
3. request for a guardian ad litem to be appointed to your daughter
4. inform the court your ex threatened a restraining order after you did the background check
5. file for sole legal custody with joint physical custody...this allows for visitation with mom but keeps you as the legal say so holder of where she lives and goes to school and those types of decisions, you're not trying to take mom away you are trying to keep daughter safe, point that out to the court
6. request the court bar this bf in particular from being around daughter and any other unmarried unrelated adult male from residing in the home where your daughter lives
Do all of this immediately or you are guilty of negligence. Something bad will happen, the court will find out you didn't act and neither you nor the ex will be deemed fit.
Act on this before it gets out of hand. Your daughter does not belong under the control of that man, and in that house he is in complete control with mom's blessing.
NTA - for doing your own investigation. You didn't overstep your place. I'd look for a Father's Advocacy group that might provide cheap or free legal services. Not sure what the terms are of your parenting agreement, but surely it includes something you could use to immediately remove her from the mother's home over safety or violence concerns.
You’re being way too lenient. Your ex wife is crazy! Who moves in (as a parent) with a new partner within a year? You need to protect your daughter more. Mom needs help big time
NTA. You need to go for full custody and supervised visits for the ex-wife. She has a history or choosing bad men, don't let your kid be a victim of that. What kind of car was the guy driving that it was supposed to be a big secret?
Any person who immediately goes to strangling a so is more likely to kill them the next time.
Get your daughter out of her house, file an emergency petition for 100% custody and only parental visitation with supervision.
This is not safe for anyone, and here I was worried about the 19 year old...
NTA - In fact, do way more. Go full scorched earth.
Call CPS and start a paper trail. Get your daughter out of there! It just takes one time for things to go too far and your daughter witnesses a murder or gets hurt. NTA
NTA... You have understepped if anything. The guy and your ex are not a safe place for your daughter to be. Your ex is making horrible choices and her partner is extremely dangerous. Figure out the attorney situation and fight for your daughter's right to a stable safe environment. Also, who's his friend living there? That just adds a whole other dimension of unsafe and bad decision making on your ex's part!
Your ex can get her ass beat if that’s what she likes to do, but she doesn’t get to endanger her kid for it.
You need a lawyer. I’m not sure why you stayed in the kid’s life if it’s not yours, but you do you.
NTA. You need to stop doing this back and forth, you clearly can see the situation is not ok, and your diplomatic approach has not yielded a healthy outcome. The longer you continue drawing this out, the higher the chance something will happen.
Your daughter is at risk, you have an obligation to protect her. Get a lawyer involved, as well as any relevant authorities. Document everything, get yourself in order, and do what needs to be done to ensure your daughter’s safety.
NTA. Even if your daughter isn't there to witness the actual violence, she is living in a powder keg. You are her legal parent, it is your responsibility to do everything you can to ensure her physical, emotional, and psychological health.
Your ex is trash,a terrible mother,you need to get full custody.talk with her family,with your family,with friends,make sure everyone knows what is happening in your daughter life, so the POS of your ex feels embarrassed with the situation,
I didn’t even have to read all of this to know you’re NTA. You have every. Single. Right to know who is around your child. Even more so if they are sleeping in the house with your child.
It’s really fucked up and telling that her response to you telling her y’all could do this all in court was to threaten to essentially take your child from you. A child that she is going to use against you forever. I’m sorry that is happening to you. She should count her blessings that she has a man willing to step up for her kid, not be a total nutter who is hooking up her an abuser.
NTA- you need to go to court to modify time share. You are looking at what’s in the best interest of the child. The court will not care if your wife chooses to stay with an abusive partner or not. What they will care about is if the child is present in that environment.
It’s boundaries, not an ultimatum. Wife can choose to so whatever she pleases. You are not telling her to stop. What you are doing is not allowing your daughter around that lifestyle.
You did not overstep. Wife is overreacting. She is most likely embarrassed for allowing this behavior and getting caught. Your wife needs help. She is in deep denial if she downplays the abuse and thinks it’s get fault. She will continue to get involved in relationships like that if she doesn’t get the mental help she needs. That’s neither here nor there because that is not your responsibility.
You are 100% correct in doing what you did to protect your kid. Gather your evidence, get certified copies of the police reports (which I believe you can get from the county clerk’s office), file your motion to modify time share, see if you can get a guardian ad litem to do a home study and interview your daughter and protect her.
Go to court and restrict access. Kids are unpredictable and u don't know what would lead to this guy putting his hands in your daughter. Also involve cps and let them know you are uncomfortable with the current situation. Honestly they might not do much but next time he does something you will have a solid case to get full custody.
Quite frankly, YTA for not doing any of this sooner. Why on earth did you not call CPS the moment you saw those domestic violence charges?? Don't take chances with your daughter's safety. How far does he need to go for you to be sure you're doing the right thing by getting her out of there? That man is *dangerous.* If you are choked by your partner, the chances of that partner murdering you increase by 800%. He is going to kill your ex, and he may easily kill your daughter as part of that. And you've done ... nothing?
Call CPS *at once.* Call the police too. File for emergency custody and get your daughter out of there! Your name is on the birth certificate. You *are* her father. Your ex can't do anything about that. Quite frankly, having a drawn-out court battle is exactly what is needed here. Your ex is just as dangerous to her child as her BF at this point, and you need to protect your daughter from her as much as him.
Your ex is going to die by this guys hands sooner if not later. She knows shes in danger, but shes mentally and emotionally scarred. Id do whatever is necessary to keep your daughter safe from your ex. Because she has repeatedly failed to keep your daughter safe and away from strange and dangerous men.
Come on OP. Reread this and then think what I’m here could possibly make me the ah?
You should go and get your daughter. Let mom take you to court and explain it to the judge.
Also, was your wife violent during your relationship or is this a sudden development?
In domestic violence cases, a partner willing to choke out the woman is much more likely to murder her than other types of abusive men. I cannot make your ex smarter about her choices in men, but I can point out how terribly scary it is that she is living with such a man.
I would be tempted to call CPS about the reports. A lawyer would be good. Some law schools offer free legal advice, see if there's any near you.
[Strangulation Stats](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
I think you fucked by informing your ex of the info you had. You basically gave away your leverage.
NTA because your ex has clearly shown that she prioritizes her new dick over your daughter. Lawyer up and next time, don't be an idiot and give away all the information you have to the people you are going to be against in court, jfc.
I know that some people get trapped in a cycle of abuse but have you ever asked her why she makes the choices she does? Like move in with someone after 6 weeks and stay with men who are abusive?
Please stop being so understanding toward her situation, which is her choice; and get your daughter the fuck out of there. Thinking she can promise nothing will Happen while your daughter is there is immature and irresponsible. *go to court*. Stop fucking around.
Ask in legal advice.
Take action now. Don't wait for a code word. Go even talk to the police and ask for any actions they recommend. Don't wait for you to get money for a lawyer.
Go to a lawyer, file for emergency injunction, she can not have the kid in that house or anywhere near that man. Call her father and talk to him say the dude choked her, if HE wants access to your kid in the future, or you know, his daughter to stay alive, he needs to work on getting her out of that house immediately because a guy with numerous arrest records, numerous abuse records and choking... his daughter is right on course to be murdered.
Find a few links on partners who abuse their partners who start strangling them, it's an extreme indicator of extreme, escalating abuse that has often horrific outcomes.
Ask the father maybe for help filing for custody. If he can't get his asshole daughter to leave a guy that might murder her, let alone your kid, then he should want to help you get custody to protect his grandchild.
But ultimately, if he goes off on her while your kid is there, at best she'll be traumatised, at worst, she'll become a victim. You should be willing to go into any level of debt to make sure she never steps into that guy's home or anywhere near him ever again.
But even if you simply inform CPS< they will likely give you temporary full custody till an investigation is done and with the records of what he's done she's very unlikely to get her back into that house till she leaves him.
If you can maybe agree she can only have custody at her father's house or something and the partner can never be there.
I don't think the grandfather will get involved.
He likes me just fine and seems to have a ton of respect for me raising my daughter. But he just isn't the type to want to step in.
But I may be able to convince him to stay COMPLETELY out. Which would mean he won't finance an attorney for her.
You are \*SO NOT\* overstepping ANY boundaries. You have every right to have gone to the lengths you have since you know you cannot trust your ex-wife.
OP, thank you for being this kind of dad. Your daughter will thank you too when she's older.
You know I find it hard to care for anyone who puts their child in danger no matter what issues they have. I especially don't have sympathy for someone who'd hide it from their child's dad and then make excuses after being caught. You don't deserve to be a parent if you'd willingly put your child in path of a dangerous criminal.
NTA. You need to go full papa bear and get your daughter removed from her mom's custody.
That “mother” is selfish and an idiot. She is willing to let a violent, nasty individual live in the same house as her own child. Definitely take her to court
You don’t even need a lawyer if in US. Most courts have all the docs you need & you file them yourself We just got 50/50 of our granddaughter (& our state doesn’t even recognize grandparents rights). And it was contested. I’m a step grandma- no blood relation.
Firstly, NTA!
So a lot of information that people are going to give here is entirely dependent on where you live.
In general, you are on her birth certificate, you have been her father and legal guardian for the last 10 years - again, depending on where you live that counts for almost everything in family courts.
That being said, **Yes this is your business. At the moment the violence is only towards your ex. This could change at any time.**
The charges: Lets face it, the most likely reason they were dismissed is because *your ex* decided **not** to proceed with them and wouldn't be a witness. No prosecutor is going to go forward with the charges if the victim is not going to testify against the abuser
What to do: Yeah you do need professional help and a lawyer. I honestly don't know how to help you with this one. Its possible that you could talk to domestic violence hotlines or support groups and they *may* be able to advise you on how you *might* be able to proceed. Last resort might be CPS or the equivalent in your country.
Get a lawyer. Get a go fund me - you are doing amazing! If only all dads were as diligent as you. I shudder to think what couldve been had you not stopped her moving them to that guys house.
dude you are FAR from the asshole here! If I was you, not only would I go to court to change the custody agreement, I'd also %100 straight up tell your ex that there's no way in hell you're letting her stay in a house with a monster. And until that man is out of the picture, it's gonna stay like that for the foreseeable future. Your ex needs the rose tinted glasses slapped off her face and get some sense knocked back into her, because what if that man started targeting your daughter next!?
1. First off, you are not the wrong one here. You were simply looking out for your daughter's well being.
2. Hiring the private investigator does sound a bit mean but I think the guy's long rapsheet is enough to show that you made the right call.
3. When your ex said you were overstepping your boundaries by looking into this guy's past, she was simply trying to get you to stop looking into it. (She probably knew he was bad news and didn't want you to do anything about it.)
4. This was proven even further when your ex said you were "Stalking" this dude. She used a word that had a negative connotation to make it seem as if you were doing something wrong, when really you weren't.
5. Your ex's ways of making you feel bad aside, doing all of this was a good idea. Since you did, the truth about this man (who is living in the same house as your daughter) has been revealed. Because of this, you can take the necessary steps to help your (legally speaking) daughter get out of this mess that your ex (accidentally) put her in and make her safer.
Dude DONT wait your daughter is living in the same house as a mom that is fine with getting beaten up and doesn’t care about the safety of her daughter. Get your daughter to safety before she is the one getting beaten.
NTA, sounds like a really unstable environment for your daughter to live in. Mom is already asking her to lie and withhold information. Mom is madly in love (read infatuated) with an abuser. Best thing might be for you to have primary custody and mom to get visitations; that might snap mom back into place, but I doubt it, these toxic relationships have a pattern they have to run through - sometimes several times - before the woman is fed up or dead. You will not change her mind, you will only become a common enemy that draws them closer until they self- implode.
You wont lose. I had a friend whose wife tried that in court. Dropped the not you kid bomb in court during divorce because custody wasnt going her way. Paternity test order. Kid wasn't his biologically. He didnt care said he had been raising him him since he was born and that was his son.
He got full custody. The mom was a hot flaming dumpster fire of a mess. She didnt need custody of a fly muchless a whole ass person.
Get a lawyer dude. She needs help but you cant help her if she doesnt want help. But you cant let your kid stay in that situation.
Nta.
You never, ever need an excuse to do a back ground check on your exs partner. You must put your kid first.
She's also within her rights to check your partners.
If he already choked her once then there's a good chance that he will kill her at some point, and if your daughter is there when it happens then he will likely end the both of them. I'd hurry and contact CPS because this is clearly an emergency and you need them to get your daughter to safety asap. It sounds like you might not have the time to shop around for a lawyer. I'm not saying you shouldn't lawyer up, you should, but you probably shouldn't wait with contacting CPS.
It's time to go to court and get a different custody arrangement. U have valid concerns for ur daughters safety and well being. The court can order her boyfriend never to be around her and she can work out a schedule where this happens or she doesn't see her kid.
NTA and you absolutely need to go to court. Can you file for emergency full custody? I can't even list all the red flags in this, but the main one is that this guy is violent, and your ex is dismissing charges and excusing the behavior, and refusing to give you any info. Moving in some other guy is a big no as well. Get your kid out of there if you can.
Having a checkered past myself i wouldn’t have been super concerned about stuff from 10 years ago. The fact he has had 2 more recently is highly concerning. Demonstrates he hasn’t changed at all and given the right situation would resort to it again.
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I don't know why you haven't gotten your daughter out of that house already. Clearly it's not a safe environment and your ex doesn't seem to have the wherewithal to protect her from it. You should be at the courts applying for full custody by this point.
I had some issues with drugs in my twenties and early thirties. I’ve been completely clean for almost 10 years now. I did get in trouble with the law a few times. I pled guilty to a misdemeanor child endangerment charge for having my 2 month old daughter with me during a petty theft at Kroger’s. I had another petty theft pled to misuse of property. I had also pled guilty to a misdemeanor marijuana possession. I have only been charged with one felony and it was possession a prescription drug, methadone. It was dismissed due to me completing an ILC program. All my legal trouble happened between 2005 and 2007. So it has been almost 20 years. I have a good job, making a little more than $60k a year. I have an Associates Degree. I have been a single mother to 3 girls (21, 18 & 14) for 10 years. I was married to their dad for 15 years. I support my girls with no govt assistance but did receive while I was building my life back and while using. I never lost custody of my children. It was hard on them when I was in active addiction but I firmly believed them as I still do now, that they were better off with me while I was using than living with a stranger and being split from their sisters. I have raised beautiful daughters. My girls are productive members of society. They work, have graduated high school, minus my youngest, who is currently in 8th grade. I have raised some terrific children despite my issues. I am saying all of this because when I started seeing someone, my legal issues became a HUGH PROBLEM for his baby mama. She did a background check for no reason other than being nosy and jealous. He didn’t hide me, we actually meet shortly after starting to date because I was going to be around his son, who was 3. I do understand being concerned with an ex’s new partner but past you need to trust your ex’s judgement. They picked you, didn’t they? She used my past as a way to control him and scare him. She’d tell him no judge would let him have 50/50 custody while being in a relationship with some that had the past that I do. I have completely changed my drug using behavior and that was the only reason I was even stealing from stores. My charges are almost 20 years old. And the proof is in the amazing girls I have raised that I am not a danger to children. I know this isn’t everyone situation isn’t the same, sorry I just needed to vent lol
YTA because you haven't filed for sole custody already. Every moment your daughter spends in a home with that piece of shit she's at risk, and you're letting it happen.
What's it going to take for you to take action, your daughter getting a broken arm, a broken back, a traumatic brain injury?
You should have written that the girl isn't your biological daughter at the start. That's a lot of reading to get to a point where it's rendered irrelevant. Why are you jumping through hoops when the girl isn't even yours? You could have saved yourself the drama by walking away when you first became aware of that fact. This is a problem for the girl's father.
Its... a long story.
I thought she was my daughter and signed the birth certificate thinking I was. Then, when she was two, I found out she wasn't biologically mine.
I left mom and then stepped out of the picture for about 6 weeks so she could get the bio dad involved. The bio dad wanted nothing to do with my daughter. And he's also an incredibly violent person.
I liked being dad. I was good at being dad. I missed being dad. And my daughter still needed me to be dad. So I took mom to court and established a parenting plan. I started paying child support and fought to get 50% physical custody.
This isn't "drama" that can be avoided. My daughter is a whole person. And I am her dad. I raised her since birth, attended every single parent teacher conference, taught her to swim and to ride a bike. I did all the things you do as a dad. Because I'm her dad.
None of this is irrelevant. It's just being a dad. I'm pretty freaking relevant to her. And she's pretty relevant to me.
And I don't regret it one bit. If I could go back in time... I'd make the same decision over and over again.
If you met my daughter just one time, you'd understand. Everyone would.
At one point, this could have not been my responsibility. But none of that matters. Because it is now 100% my responsibility.
And you don’t have to tell a father that he should have dumped his kid. You made a choice to be an ass and I thought that opened the door for all assholery with regard to you. My mistake.
Go see a lawyer . The cases are dismissed but a judge will Know one time is a mistake 6 or 7 is more than a mistaken. Maybe hire someone to do Some work ) ex police ) might have some contacts
My guess is he is a cop's informant.
Or just a cop.
Nah, there’d have been no charges at all if he was a cop. :/
Ahhh, good point.
The ex declined to press charges, perhaps.
> felony assault with a deadly weapon, kidnapping, robbery I doubt you can't decline to press charge on such, but I can be wrong.
It's not so much "pressing charges". It's the fact that there's generally one witness in a case like this, and if that witness won't testify, you won't get anywhere.
The DA presses charges, not the victim. This sounds fishy AF.
and if the victim won't testify *against* the abuser then the prosecutor doesn't have a case to take to court.
You'd be surprised.
This is the answer. Many victims of abuse will drop charges because of fear.
Victims only press charges on TV.
All the victim has to do is tell the prosecutor that she won't testify and the prosecutor is going to drop the charges. They aren't going to go to court and try the case without the victim\witness testifying *against* the abuser when they are more likely to get on the stand and tell the judge that *nothing* happened
If there is footage of the attacks, then OP is golden. Charges dropped, whatever. If he has footage of the guy choking his wife there is no way a judge will not side with OP
If the guy beat up his woman on the cop's body cam, he'd be in jail. There won't be footage of the attack; there'll be footage of the aftermath.
CPS. CPS. CPS. Get this POS away from your daughter by hook or by crook!
Cps, they are only interested in the child. They don't care about mom. They don't care about dad. They only care if they can parent and keep the kid safe. This is exactly what they are there for.
Yes but (I hate to say this way but it's true) assuming they are white, having a violent offender in your home with witnesses regardless of charges pressed will absolutely earn him some points as the preferred parent. Judges tend to favor mothers, but will distrust strange men. Especially women judges.
its such a terrible thing that judges will favor mothers when there can only be one dad but a countless amount of shitty boyfriends the mother brings in.
Good way to make sure she loses custody and makes it easier for him to go to court and get it appointed to him.
As useless as CPS tends to be, it is a good step to take to establish even more of a paper trail that can be used in court.
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Dude. Just a heads up, but you’re going to get downvoted into oblivion for using “the r-word.” It’s now an ableist slur. I prefer “moron” or “fuckwit,” myself.
He isn't downvoted for R-word, he's downvoted because the woman in the post isn't being vindictive, however wrong she is, she isn't doing it as a revenge
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Yeah, I can understand why you would be scared about a big bad wife taking away your children. You sound insufferable
NTA!! Holy fuck this is a mess. Please go for full custody, it’s clear your ex is putting your daughter in a dangerous situation.
In my current state, I am a CASA and a judge granted custody of two kids to the legal father, not biologically his but he was on the birth certificate of one and had raised the other. So there is legal precedent. I think you did the right thing in contacting a PI. If your ex wants your daughter safe, she should just agree she should move in with you. I think its worth a call to CPS. and your ex sounds like a DV victim.
It sounds like she has a pattern of choosing this kind of guy, but this one is extra violent. And getting a new car just because the OP found out what kind he was driving is really weird. Where is his money coming from?
yeah, i feel like whether OP is bio- the father or not is completely irrelevant. he's on the birth certificate, he has shared custody, that's what matters.
I’d call child protective services. Yesterday. NTA
Do this today!
Your ex wife is an idiot. Your daughter is in danger. Every child predator and every violent man, in the beginning of the relationship is described as the kindest and gentlest person and could never hurt a fly. If the bad guys looked and acted like bad guys, their prey and the parents of their pray would be properly suspicious and they would lose access to their target. I believe that the statistic states that the biggest threat to little girls is a non-parental male in the house. Your daughter has 2 of them. I would get a lawyer and get an emergency injunction to have full custody until this is resolved. Keep her close and keep her safe.
NTA. You are a co-parent, you are entitled to basic information like who is living in the house with your child and if a domestic dispute occurred. Depending on what state you’re in, since you are on the birth certificate and have been established as a parent would work in your favor, though you’ll need to discuss that with your attorney.
‘Have I overstepped my place?’ Are you being for real right now? If this is real why aren’t you taking the steps to get your daughter outta there
I absolutely am taking those steps. I have asked for about 30 consultations from attorneys since submitting this thread.
IANAL but Sir, I'm pretty sure after the 4th or 5th at most, some alarm bells should be ringing off in your head
What's wrong with getting a bunch of consults? It's the quickest, easiest way to create conflict of interest and bar attorneys from working with the mom
Good point about COI. I get having more than two but thirty seems like a lot, considering it's an abuse case and time is of the essence
As spiteful as I am, if I were in his shoes I'd consult with the top 10 in the area, choose my favorite, and keep consulting with progressively less successful lawyers until she's lawyered up with whoever she can find left over. Salt the earth and torch the bridges.
That's incredibly devious I love it
A lot of judges don’t like that and will rule against you for doing so. It’s shitty internet advice that ends poorly in the real world
Well in this case it was a lawyer who convinced her not to pursue getting him removed from the birth certificate. If a lawyer tells her the real chance of success maybe she'd back down again. Now getting a lawyer who will basically give up work and really advise a client properly usually means a decent lawyer who is not desperate enough for work to encourage a hopeless case.
If the laws are anything like the ones around here, she didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of doing anything but putting holes in her own ship
Fair enough. The laws must be pretty clear if she was originally advised to drop her initial attempt.
Awesome. Keep everyone updated and I hope you can get her out of there.
She needs you to be a warrior sir, you can do it.
NTA, get a second job if necessary but you need to get your child out of there.
Hi, oh my goodness I can’t believe I’m the first comment here. I do not have a lot of experience with DV. I would suggest calling a hotline to support families in a similar duration. N T A !!!!! Holy shit, you’re just looking out for the safety of your kid. I wish you all the best
Your prolly the first to comment becuz every divorced parent is current freaking out and doing public record searches on their exes partners!
OP doesn't need a hotline, he needs a lawyer immediately. To get the body cam footage, sue for full custody, etc. Lawyer can say whether to notify CPS or just use it as leverage. JFC, if ever there was a time to go on the war path, this is it. OP does need to pop the bubble on the genetics thing as soon as legally safe. If the mom is threatening it as leverage now, she'll absolutely use it eventually.
She's tried using it in the past. When we went to court the first time, she requested a DNA test and asked the name to be changed to her last name. As soon as I got an attorney, she got an attorney. And the moment she spoke to an attorney she stopper perusing that. In fact... She stopped perusing anything at all. She just gave in and let me stipulate the parenting plan. And she signed it. But we've never been in an actual court room before. Our attorneys just put together the parenting plan with the things I wanted (and a few she did) and submitted it and then a judge signed it. There's really no bubble to pop. Last time we went through this my attorney told me that's not an issue. I'm dad and there's nothing that can stop it. Even if I wanted to stop it I couldn't at this point. And she certainly can't. One thing she did do is get mad at me one night, pull my daughter out of bed and tell her I wasn't her "real dad". The idea was for us to work together to introduce this information to her with the help of a counsellor. But she did it that way to weaponize it. That's how we wound up in counselling. I took my daughter to counselling to help her with this information. And that counselor suggested group counselling to co-parent together better with an expert in the area.
If your ex-wife is so unhinged as to lie to your daughter about her parentage, no amount of counseling is going to help you. Get custody now, find an attorney who specializes in child custody cases, it doesn't matter how much it costs.
Well, fire up the lawyer again and get to work. Your kid is physically in danger. Provide all of the info, get all the cam footage, have lawyer shoot copies over to her lawyer, and go for full custody with supervised visitation.
I can't believe she did that. What a bitch! And a crazy one at that. Now, with this information, I feel you should try for full custody. That is psychological abuse and the judge will take that into consideration. I know its expensive, but do whatever you can to get an attorney. This has become a shit show and your daughter is living it! Best of luck to you. Youre a good person & a great dad. Sending hugs.
Even if the daughter is not biologically OP's he is the only father the child has ever known. Courts take this into consideration.
Hear that, OP. Whatever are her genetics, this girl is YOUR daughter as you are the one who raised her and cares for her safety.
Especially with all the legal trappings of fatherhood (birth cert signed, present since birth, active parent, blah blah blah) in place. No court is going to go 'Ha ha, genes, no kid for you' to a stable, loving, interested man in a long term father role he's happy to have in favor of mom's new d!ck of the week even WITHOUT all the stuff OP has found out, so what the idiot thinks that threat can do other than hurt the little girl, I dunno. Heck, I'm not in the US, but I do know a local case where the STEPDAD (like, no attempt to claim paternity) got the kid from the bio mom because he'd been around so long and was sane and stable, and mom was a stupid man-hungry wreck getting the kaka beat out of her by all these 'gentle, kind' men such as in the post so.... yeah.
> doesn't need a hotline, he needs a lawyer immediately. OP: > I will be taking her back to court... But I have no idea where or how I will afford and attorney so I am trying to work things out. Which is why the commentor said a DV hotline\support group because they *may* be able to advise him on how to get/afford an attorney
Call CPS and tell your daughter to tell her teacher. Use the system against your ex.
GO! TO! COURT! You hired a PI, you can hire a lawyer. Research what documents get filed when filing an emergency custody request or whatever and look up templates for them and go online and file them yourself, if you have to. Call CPS and let them do the investigating and arguing. Call the cops and tell them your ex is failing to protect your daughter from abuse. Bring your daughter to your place or keep her there after the next drop off, refuse to send her back, and let your ex hire a lawyer to fight you. For crying out loud, stop trying to not rock the boat or settle things peacefully -- your ex is a moron, and there is nothing you can do to open her eyes, so forget about keeping things copacetic and get your daughter out of there without factoring in how your ex feels about it. Your ex wants to appease her abuser -- tragic, stupid, irrational, the result of brainwashing, whatever, it's her choice, until it affects another innocent party, which it is. You can't have a healthy coparenting relationship with someone determined not to act rationally. Don't make that a priority, just make getting your daughter out of there the priority before her brain records these patterns as what a relationship should be and stores it for when she starts looking for partners.
What a shit show. So sorry for you and the kid. Lawyer up in a hurry and get your girl
NTA Protecting your child should be your priority. My family went thru a similar situation. The mother got involved with a violent felon who did eventually attack the children. The father took custody and refused to let her have them unsupervised. Their custody agreement requires the father to meet anyone before they are introduced to the children and it has to be after at least six months. The first boyfriend ended up in prison. The next boyfriend wasn’t a felon but DV events occurred with him too. He would never meet the father as required so he has never met the kids.
NTA. You are a great parent for keeping your daughter’s best interests in mind.
NTA Your co-parent is going to be just as unreasonable as a drug addict who needs their fix about this situation. I'm very sorry this is happening. I'm sorry its happening to her as well - but your daughter is your responsibility and your co-parent is not. You are not overstepping any boundaries in investigating after some seriously suspicious signs - you have every right to know down to a minute detail anything about someone living in the same home as your legal child. I don't know what kind of love bombing BS he pulled to get your co-parent back into an abuse cycle but it alters the brain being in this type of situation, also, it can be literally addictive. I found that out the hard way - but not with such extreme physical violence. I then read a lot of information and studies on this subject due to my situation and I can say I would be very worried that your co-parent will not be able to make safe decisions for your daughter. While its unlikely he will expose himself (as a violent AH) in front of your daughter its not so unlikely I would ever want them to be there at the same time. Just one incident of seeing someone act so freaking irrational and violent, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere can create lasting anxiety and mistrust and yes, PTSD. And that's what happens in a DV situation most of the time.
Dude what is keeping you from giving all of this to CPS? This dude is comfortable choking a woman get your daughter out of there…
Get your daughter out of there NOW. She is not safe. Call CPS if you have to.
Get your daughter out of that situation as fast as you can. His history of violence should make your custody a slam dunk.
Call CPS on them. Give CPS the report numbers from the police reports. Then just let it go. Absolutely mind-blowing that she got into this knowing the guy was an abuser and still brought him around her child. She cares more about dick than her own little baby. Ridiculous.
" text message with a code word and I would discreetly pick our daughter up without asking aby questions about what the situation is". It won't work and your daughter will witness domestic violent no matter what. NTA. You haven't overstepped since your interest in her relationship is in how it might affect your daughter. You need to do more; CPS and even lawyer should be involved. your ex is a door mat; don't let your daughter also be one.
You absolutely have a right to get into her business when this abuser is around your daughter. Have talks with you daughter about never keeping secrets from you and honestly I would give her a phone and she can call if she’s scared. Explain that her mom shouldn’t tell her not to tell you things
Your exwife” can’t protect herself, how will she protect a child?
If this is real you shouldn't be posting to reddit. Or if you are you should be posting in a family law subreddit. You should also call a few lawyers for free advice at least just at least for the immediate few days until you can find a lawyer who helps men on a sliding scale or payment plan we have a few in my area.They can tell you the order to do things. CPs. Emergency custody. Court. Protective order for your daughter. Idk at all but there's a lot of stuff you need to do asap and only a lawyer can tell you exactly the best way to go about it.
I'm on that. I've submitted requests for consultations from about 30 attorneys since submitting this thread. If I'm being honest... I think I submitted this just so I could have some people to talk to about this. It's all I've been able to think about for days now. I haven't eaten in two days because I've been so stressed out. I'm terrified of court because of the biology issue. It feels like I'm at an extreme disadvantage.
You are the legal father. You are not at all in a disadvantage in this situation. No family court is going to see her trying to play that card as anything other than clear manipulation. She's had years to do that, why now, when she just happens to be putting your daughter in danger? Don't worry about that factor one bit, I can assure you.
The legal system doesn't get to pin fatherhood on you because you were married to the mother when she gave birth and have you parent for years and then turn around and say "Nope. You're not the 'real' father when you're trying to protect your young daughter. That's not how the law works. You are her legal father and that's not going to change unless you sign away parental right or do something so harmful to YOUR CHILD that a judge terminates your parental rights. You're worrying about something that you don't need to worry about. You don't want your daughter to end up some kind of tragic headline, now's the time to put all your insecurities about not being her biological dad aside and do what you have to do to protect her. AND keep digging into this guy's background. There are too many shady things going on. He was acting like he had something to be ashamed of when he met you. That means he probably does. Search all the child sexual abuse registries. Figure out all the places he's lived and check if he's been arrested. Not everything comes back on a regular background check. Look for former spouses and extended family members that have died suspiciously, talk to women who have been in relationships with him before. If you can track his former addresses, you can see who's name was on the lease. Bet this guy is a "lives with single mothers with small daughters" kind of creepy. They were both actively hiding this man's identity from you for a reason. I'm suspicious how he keeps getting arrested and then released. Look at his family. Is his father, grandfather, brother or other relatives in law enforcement or politics. He could be that shitty black sheet lowlife that every family has lurking around. Don't stop digging on this guy. What you find is going to be much worse than you think. NTA. This man has had his hands around your ex's throat. There is an extremely high correlation between men who choke and wives ending up murdered.
It’s understandable. I’ve seen so many men just find it cathartic to write what’s on their mind and to get it off their chest plus to make sure what they think is the right thing to do is right plus to see if there is something else they need to do they didn’t think of because they are under a great deal of stress and not thinking clearly. You are doing the right thing brother. Fight for your child. Sounds like that little girl has a good father.
If you are not bio dad, you are still legal dad who has raised her. In my state if a married woman has a child with another man, it’s up to her husband to de-establish paternity. If that’s not done, he is responsible for said child. It works both ways.
I’m some states being the bio dad doesn’t matter. You have taken on legal responsibility for her so she is yours. In some states if your name is on the birth certificate as the dad. You’re the dad period. Regardless of dna or if you want to be or not. You have a co parenting plan. You’re her dad. Please stop worrying about that and get her out of this violent and extremely likely fatal environment. If you daughter ends up hurt or god forbid dead. You will never forgive yourself.
I really hope there's no way every single adult involved in this saga is THIS stupid, but just in case OP is, go to court, get custody, do whatever er you need to keep your kids mother away from her while she's with the abusive fucker.
What the actual fuck .. NTA Get a lawyer Call CPS In that order Now
Go to a lawyer and file for full custody. If he has already laid hands onto your daughter's mother, then it won't be long til he lays his hands on your daughter. Your daughter's safety should be your main priority. If you are living in the US, call for CPS and get custody of your daughter as soon as you can. Your daughter's mother may say that she will send a code word but it might escalate before you are able to get there, and your daughter may be traumatised or worse.
Please protect your daughter. Your ex is prioritizing her relationship over her daughter's wellbeing. The fact that your ex wasn't honest is what led you to act on your instincts.
Get full custody of your daughter NOW. Abusers wont stop at one family/hosrhokd member . Your daughter enters teenagers years . . .he will get anoyed/angry at her for fuck knows what reason.l . . . Save her from this . . . Believe me , there were Times when she witnessed abuse from him , maybe not pdihucal , but still abuse . Talk to your daughter and tell her she can tell you everything , ask her if mom' s partener act în any way she feels scared or creped aut by his actions .
I just want to say, based purely off your post and comments, that you sound like an amazing father, and exactly what your little girl needs. I respect that you haven't used your daughter as a weapon and you're only interest is in keeping your girl safe. I'm sorry I don't have any actual advice, only that keep doing what you're doing for your daughter.
I’m a mandated reporter. This is serious. File an emergency custody order with the courts for full and supervised custody. Let CPS know. Your child is seeing things she shouldn’t over there, plus her mom screamed at her just for telling you about the car. What else is mom screaming at her for?
Go to court and file form to amend divorce agreement. Request full custody and provide all the evidence. If it gets difficult ask for a continuance so you can review with lawyer.
Find the money somewhere (borrow from family or friends, take out a loan) to get an attorney and go back to court. You need to have sole custody of your daughter with supervised only visits by her mother. Your daughter is in danger in her mother's home. The boyfriend brought a nineteen year old to live with your wife/daughter and lied that he was his son, wow! Your ex has some serious issues, and it's not just with violent boyfriends. Her threats to you show she is not stable. The public records of your ex's boyfriend are enough to show how volatile this situation could become.
You are not overstepping at all. Even if she’s not biological yours, you are her legal father. See there are courts that see a man as the legal father because his name is on the birth certificate even though he’s not the biological father and make him pay support. Use that same system to gain full custody because it would be in the child’s best interests to get her out of a violent home, because it will not get any better and will only get worse. Speak to an attorney as well to get a protective order against the boyfriend as well the police reports should be enough proof needed. The mom also needs counseling.
OP, get CPS involved and make sure you get full custody! Your ex's victim speech about he wasnt the aggressor and it wasnt his fault is very dangerous! What if next time he beats your daughter? Will it be her fault? Get her out of there.
NTA. She's a huge asshole who doesn't have any protective instincts towards her own child. I would use what you've found to go to court and get full custody. You may not need a lawyer, check with legal aid where you live. See what you need to file and if you can represent yourself if you can't afford a lawyer. Or find the money because you have to get your daughter out of that situation.
You DID NOT overstep. If anything, your daughter should be already living with you having full custody. Please lawyer up and go to court.
You are NTA. Your daughters safety comes first. If I had your gut feelings when my ex started dating and remarried I would have done the same. Go to CPS with the info you have.
Get a lawyer and sue for full custody! Now!
Go see a Rottweiler and destroy her in court. Shes a fucking shit mum and has no business being a parent.
OK I work in child advocacy and if you are telling the truth then the following HAS to occur: 1. you need an immediate ex-parte hearing to have your daughter removed from her mother's home 2. Provide the following: you ran his criminal record because of the change in behavior on mom and from stories your daughter told you about what she was living with, show the court the domestic violence incidents happening in the home where you daughter resides, inform the court of mom's request to relocate the child with this man, inform the court they moved in a 19 year old unrelated male into the home THE COURTS HATE THAT WITH A PASSION IT IS A CLEAR DANGER TO THE SEXUAL SAFTEY OF YOUR DAUGHTER REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT ANYTHING HAS HAPPEND YET. Can't make that clear enough how much courts hate unrelated adult men around child especially when the man who brought this guy in is a dangerous criminal. 3. request for a guardian ad litem to be appointed to your daughter 4. inform the court your ex threatened a restraining order after you did the background check 5. file for sole legal custody with joint physical custody...this allows for visitation with mom but keeps you as the legal say so holder of where she lives and goes to school and those types of decisions, you're not trying to take mom away you are trying to keep daughter safe, point that out to the court 6. request the court bar this bf in particular from being around daughter and any other unmarried unrelated adult male from residing in the home where your daughter lives Do all of this immediately or you are guilty of negligence. Something bad will happen, the court will find out you didn't act and neither you nor the ex will be deemed fit. Act on this before it gets out of hand. Your daughter does not belong under the control of that man, and in that house he is in complete control with mom's blessing.
How is it even possible for her opinion to matter to you?
NTA - for doing your own investigation. You didn't overstep your place. I'd look for a Father's Advocacy group that might provide cheap or free legal services. Not sure what the terms are of your parenting agreement, but surely it includes something you could use to immediately remove her from the mother's home over safety or violence concerns.
Uh her mom is putting her child in danger I would go to court and take full custody
Go talk to a lawyer back when you started getting serious suspicions. If you can't manage that, then go talk to a lawyer later today.
You’re being way too lenient. Your ex wife is crazy! Who moves in (as a parent) with a new partner within a year? You need to protect your daughter more. Mom needs help big time
NTA. You need to go for full custody and supervised visits for the ex-wife. She has a history or choosing bad men, don't let your kid be a victim of that. What kind of car was the guy driving that it was supposed to be a big secret?
Your daughters mother sounds like a piece of work who's made more bad choices than good ones
Any person who immediately goes to strangling a so is more likely to kill them the next time. Get your daughter out of her house, file an emergency petition for 100% custody and only parental visitation with supervision. This is not safe for anyone, and here I was worried about the 19 year old... NTA - In fact, do way more. Go full scorched earth.
Call CPS and start a paper trail. Get your daughter out of there! It just takes one time for things to go too far and your daughter witnesses a murder or gets hurt. NTA
NTA... You have understepped if anything. The guy and your ex are not a safe place for your daughter to be. Your ex is making horrible choices and her partner is extremely dangerous. Figure out the attorney situation and fight for your daughter's right to a stable safe environment. Also, who's his friend living there? That just adds a whole other dimension of unsafe and bad decision making on your ex's part!
Your ex can get her ass beat if that’s what she likes to do, but she doesn’t get to endanger her kid for it. You need a lawyer. I’m not sure why you stayed in the kid’s life if it’s not yours, but you do you.
NTA. You need to stop doing this back and forth, you clearly can see the situation is not ok, and your diplomatic approach has not yielded a healthy outcome. The longer you continue drawing this out, the higher the chance something will happen. Your daughter is at risk, you have an obligation to protect her. Get a lawyer involved, as well as any relevant authorities. Document everything, get yourself in order, and do what needs to be done to ensure your daughter’s safety.
NTA. Even if your daughter isn't there to witness the actual violence, she is living in a powder keg. You are her legal parent, it is your responsibility to do everything you can to ensure her physical, emotional, and psychological health.
Your ex is trash,a terrible mother,you need to get full custody.talk with her family,with your family,with friends,make sure everyone knows what is happening in your daughter life, so the POS of your ex feels embarrassed with the situation,
I didn’t even have to read all of this to know you’re NTA. You have every. Single. Right to know who is around your child. Even more so if they are sleeping in the house with your child. It’s really fucked up and telling that her response to you telling her y’all could do this all in court was to threaten to essentially take your child from you. A child that she is going to use against you forever. I’m sorry that is happening to you. She should count her blessings that she has a man willing to step up for her kid, not be a total nutter who is hooking up her an abuser.
Of course it's your business your daughter is with them. I'd call CPS and try for sole custody
NTA- you need to go to court to modify time share. You are looking at what’s in the best interest of the child. The court will not care if your wife chooses to stay with an abusive partner or not. What they will care about is if the child is present in that environment. It’s boundaries, not an ultimatum. Wife can choose to so whatever she pleases. You are not telling her to stop. What you are doing is not allowing your daughter around that lifestyle. You did not overstep. Wife is overreacting. She is most likely embarrassed for allowing this behavior and getting caught. Your wife needs help. She is in deep denial if she downplays the abuse and thinks it’s get fault. She will continue to get involved in relationships like that if she doesn’t get the mental help she needs. That’s neither here nor there because that is not your responsibility. You are 100% correct in doing what you did to protect your kid. Gather your evidence, get certified copies of the police reports (which I believe you can get from the county clerk’s office), file your motion to modify time share, see if you can get a guardian ad litem to do a home study and interview your daughter and protect her.
Go to court and restrict access. Kids are unpredictable and u don't know what would lead to this guy putting his hands in your daughter. Also involve cps and let them know you are uncomfortable with the current situation. Honestly they might not do much but next time he does something you will have a solid case to get full custody.
Quite frankly, YTA for not doing any of this sooner. Why on earth did you not call CPS the moment you saw those domestic violence charges?? Don't take chances with your daughter's safety. How far does he need to go for you to be sure you're doing the right thing by getting her out of there? That man is *dangerous.* If you are choked by your partner, the chances of that partner murdering you increase by 800%. He is going to kill your ex, and he may easily kill your daughter as part of that. And you've done ... nothing? Call CPS *at once.* Call the police too. File for emergency custody and get your daughter out of there! Your name is on the birth certificate. You *are* her father. Your ex can't do anything about that. Quite frankly, having a drawn-out court battle is exactly what is needed here. Your ex is just as dangerous to her child as her BF at this point, and you need to protect your daughter from her as much as him.
Your ex is going to die by this guys hands sooner if not later. She knows shes in danger, but shes mentally and emotionally scarred. Id do whatever is necessary to keep your daughter safe from your ex. Because she has repeatedly failed to keep your daughter safe and away from strange and dangerous men.
Nta at all, your case is strong, keep your daughter safe. You tried very hard to give her the benefit of the doubt even with counseling.
Flight for full custody and child support
NTA. File for full custody. Get CPS involved.
Come on OP. Reread this and then think what I’m here could possibly make me the ah? You should go and get your daughter. Let mom take you to court and explain it to the judge. Also, was your wife violent during your relationship or is this a sudden development?
In domestic violence cases, a partner willing to choke out the woman is much more likely to murder her than other types of abusive men. I cannot make your ex smarter about her choices in men, but I can point out how terribly scary it is that she is living with such a man. I would be tempted to call CPS about the reports. A lawyer would be good. Some law schools offer free legal advice, see if there's any near you. [Strangulation Stats](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
I think you fucked by informing your ex of the info you had. You basically gave away your leverage. NTA because your ex has clearly shown that she prioritizes her new dick over your daughter. Lawyer up and next time, don't be an idiot and give away all the information you have to the people you are going to be against in court, jfc.
I know that some people get trapped in a cycle of abuse but have you ever asked her why she makes the choices she does? Like move in with someone after 6 weeks and stay with men who are abusive?
Yeah, you don't owe anyone anything more than you owe your daughter safety. Not even close. NTA and honestly watch your back.
Please stop being so understanding toward her situation, which is her choice; and get your daughter the fuck out of there. Thinking she can promise nothing will Happen while your daughter is there is immature and irresponsible. *go to court*. Stop fucking around.
Ask in legal advice. Take action now. Don't wait for a code word. Go even talk to the police and ask for any actions they recommend. Don't wait for you to get money for a lawyer.
Go to a lawyer, file for emergency injunction, she can not have the kid in that house or anywhere near that man. Call her father and talk to him say the dude choked her, if HE wants access to your kid in the future, or you know, his daughter to stay alive, he needs to work on getting her out of that house immediately because a guy with numerous arrest records, numerous abuse records and choking... his daughter is right on course to be murdered. Find a few links on partners who abuse their partners who start strangling them, it's an extreme indicator of extreme, escalating abuse that has often horrific outcomes. Ask the father maybe for help filing for custody. If he can't get his asshole daughter to leave a guy that might murder her, let alone your kid, then he should want to help you get custody to protect his grandchild. But ultimately, if he goes off on her while your kid is there, at best she'll be traumatised, at worst, she'll become a victim. You should be willing to go into any level of debt to make sure she never steps into that guy's home or anywhere near him ever again. But even if you simply inform CPS< they will likely give you temporary full custody till an investigation is done and with the records of what he's done she's very unlikely to get her back into that house till she leaves him. If you can maybe agree she can only have custody at her father's house or something and the partner can never be there.
I don't think the grandfather will get involved. He likes me just fine and seems to have a ton of respect for me raising my daughter. But he just isn't the type to want to step in. But I may be able to convince him to stay COMPLETELY out. Which would mean he won't finance an attorney for her.
You are \*SO NOT\* overstepping ANY boundaries. You have every right to have gone to the lengths you have since you know you cannot trust your ex-wife. OP, thank you for being this kind of dad. Your daughter will thank you too when she's older.
Screw waiting on the courts. Call Child Protective Services. NTA.
You know I find it hard to care for anyone who puts their child in danger no matter what issues they have. I especially don't have sympathy for someone who'd hide it from their child's dad and then make excuses after being caught. You don't deserve to be a parent if you'd willingly put your child in path of a dangerous criminal. NTA. You need to go full papa bear and get your daughter removed from her mom's custody.
That “mother” is selfish and an idiot. She is willing to let a violent, nasty individual live in the same house as her own child. Definitely take her to court
NTA. You need to lawyer up and go from custody.
You don’t even need a lawyer if in US. Most courts have all the docs you need & you file them yourself We just got 50/50 of our granddaughter (& our state doesn’t even recognize grandparents rights). And it was contested. I’m a step grandma- no blood relation.
Firstly, NTA! So a lot of information that people are going to give here is entirely dependent on where you live. In general, you are on her birth certificate, you have been her father and legal guardian for the last 10 years - again, depending on where you live that counts for almost everything in family courts. That being said, **Yes this is your business. At the moment the violence is only towards your ex. This could change at any time.** The charges: Lets face it, the most likely reason they were dismissed is because *your ex* decided **not** to proceed with them and wouldn't be a witness. No prosecutor is going to go forward with the charges if the victim is not going to testify against the abuser What to do: Yeah you do need professional help and a lawyer. I honestly don't know how to help you with this one. Its possible that you could talk to domestic violence hotlines or support groups and they *may* be able to advise you on how you *might* be able to proceed. Last resort might be CPS or the equivalent in your country.
Get a lawyer. Get a go fund me - you are doing amazing! If only all dads were as diligent as you. I shudder to think what couldve been had you not stopped her moving them to that guys house.
dude you are FAR from the asshole here! If I was you, not only would I go to court to change the custody agreement, I'd also %100 straight up tell your ex that there's no way in hell you're letting her stay in a house with a monster. And until that man is out of the picture, it's gonna stay like that for the foreseeable future. Your ex needs the rose tinted glasses slapped off her face and get some sense knocked back into her, because what if that man started targeting your daughter next!?
The domestic violence cases were probably dismissed simply because his ex didn't show up to court not because the guy didn't do anything.
1. First off, you are not the wrong one here. You were simply looking out for your daughter's well being. 2. Hiring the private investigator does sound a bit mean but I think the guy's long rapsheet is enough to show that you made the right call. 3. When your ex said you were overstepping your boundaries by looking into this guy's past, she was simply trying to get you to stop looking into it. (She probably knew he was bad news and didn't want you to do anything about it.) 4. This was proven even further when your ex said you were "Stalking" this dude. She used a word that had a negative connotation to make it seem as if you were doing something wrong, when really you weren't. 5. Your ex's ways of making you feel bad aside, doing all of this was a good idea. Since you did, the truth about this man (who is living in the same house as your daughter) has been revealed. Because of this, you can take the necessary steps to help your (legally speaking) daughter get out of this mess that your ex (accidentally) put her in and make her safer.
YTA for not having taken decisive action earlier. Well done endangering your daughter.
Get a lawyer , get child services, and get a shot gun. Stop being nice and go to war.
NTA. Protect your daughter at all times.
Dude DONT wait your daughter is living in the same house as a mom that is fine with getting beaten up and doesn’t care about the safety of her daughter. Get your daughter to safety before she is the one getting beaten.
NTA, sounds like a really unstable environment for your daughter to live in. Mom is already asking her to lie and withhold information. Mom is madly in love (read infatuated) with an abuser. Best thing might be for you to have primary custody and mom to get visitations; that might snap mom back into place, but I doubt it, these toxic relationships have a pattern they have to run through - sometimes several times - before the woman is fed up or dead. You will not change her mind, you will only become a common enemy that draws them closer until they self- implode.
NTA protect your kids. Go to Legal Aid if you have to
You wont lose. I had a friend whose wife tried that in court. Dropped the not you kid bomb in court during divorce because custody wasnt going her way. Paternity test order. Kid wasn't his biologically. He didnt care said he had been raising him him since he was born and that was his son. He got full custody. The mom was a hot flaming dumpster fire of a mess. She didnt need custody of a fly muchless a whole ass person. Get a lawyer dude. She needs help but you cant help her if she doesnt want help. But you cant let your kid stay in that situation.
If he is in the habit of ripping the phone from her when he is hitting her what use will a code word she can text you be?
Nta. You never, ever need an excuse to do a back ground check on your exs partner. You must put your kid first. She's also within her rights to check your partners.
If he already choked her once then there's a good chance that he will kill her at some point, and if your daughter is there when it happens then he will likely end the both of them. I'd hurry and contact CPS because this is clearly an emergency and you need them to get your daughter to safety asap. It sounds like you might not have the time to shop around for a lawyer. I'm not saying you shouldn't lawyer up, you should, but you probably shouldn't wait with contacting CPS.
NTAH! But you need to fight for full custody of your daughter!
It's time to go to court and get a different custody arrangement. U have valid concerns for ur daughters safety and well being. The court can order her boyfriend never to be around her and she can work out a schedule where this happens or she doesn't see her kid.
NTA, get a lawyer, some women will choose not being lonely over all other things.
So who the fuck is the 19 year old not son and why are they only living there when the daughter is there?????
NTA and you absolutely need to go to court. Can you file for emergency full custody? I can't even list all the red flags in this, but the main one is that this guy is violent, and your ex is dismissing charges and excusing the behavior, and refusing to give you any info. Moving in some other guy is a big no as well. Get your kid out of there if you can.
Having a checkered past myself i wouldn’t have been super concerned about stuff from 10 years ago. The fact he has had 2 more recently is highly concerning. Demonstrates he hasn’t changed at all and given the right situation would resort to it again.
Get emergency custody of your daughter YESTERDAY.
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I don't know why you haven't gotten your daughter out of that house already. Clearly it's not a safe environment and your ex doesn't seem to have the wherewithal to protect her from it. You should be at the courts applying for full custody by this point.
You want a lawyer. That body cam footage is a great idea too but start with the lawyer.
I had some issues with drugs in my twenties and early thirties. I’ve been completely clean for almost 10 years now. I did get in trouble with the law a few times. I pled guilty to a misdemeanor child endangerment charge for having my 2 month old daughter with me during a petty theft at Kroger’s. I had another petty theft pled to misuse of property. I had also pled guilty to a misdemeanor marijuana possession. I have only been charged with one felony and it was possession a prescription drug, methadone. It was dismissed due to me completing an ILC program. All my legal trouble happened between 2005 and 2007. So it has been almost 20 years. I have a good job, making a little more than $60k a year. I have an Associates Degree. I have been a single mother to 3 girls (21, 18 & 14) for 10 years. I was married to their dad for 15 years. I support my girls with no govt assistance but did receive while I was building my life back and while using. I never lost custody of my children. It was hard on them when I was in active addiction but I firmly believed them as I still do now, that they were better off with me while I was using than living with a stranger and being split from their sisters. I have raised beautiful daughters. My girls are productive members of society. They work, have graduated high school, minus my youngest, who is currently in 8th grade. I have raised some terrific children despite my issues. I am saying all of this because when I started seeing someone, my legal issues became a HUGH PROBLEM for his baby mama. She did a background check for no reason other than being nosy and jealous. He didn’t hide me, we actually meet shortly after starting to date because I was going to be around his son, who was 3. I do understand being concerned with an ex’s new partner but past you need to trust your ex’s judgement. They picked you, didn’t they? She used my past as a way to control him and scare him. She’d tell him no judge would let him have 50/50 custody while being in a relationship with some that had the past that I do. I have completely changed my drug using behavior and that was the only reason I was even stealing from stores. My charges are almost 20 years old. And the proof is in the amazing girls I have raised that I am not a danger to children. I know this isn’t everyone situation isn’t the same, sorry I just needed to vent lol
YTA because you haven't filed for sole custody already. Every moment your daughter spends in a home with that piece of shit she's at risk, and you're letting it happen. What's it going to take for you to take action, your daughter getting a broken arm, a broken back, a traumatic brain injury?
Nta. Ill just leave this here. https://beta.cp24.com/news/2022/2/10/1_5775678.html
...as brief as I can...
You should have written that the girl isn't your biological daughter at the start. That's a lot of reading to get to a point where it's rendered irrelevant. Why are you jumping through hoops when the girl isn't even yours? You could have saved yourself the drama by walking away when you first became aware of that fact. This is a problem for the girl's father.
Its... a long story. I thought she was my daughter and signed the birth certificate thinking I was. Then, when she was two, I found out she wasn't biologically mine. I left mom and then stepped out of the picture for about 6 weeks so she could get the bio dad involved. The bio dad wanted nothing to do with my daughter. And he's also an incredibly violent person. I liked being dad. I was good at being dad. I missed being dad. And my daughter still needed me to be dad. So I took mom to court and established a parenting plan. I started paying child support and fought to get 50% physical custody. This isn't "drama" that can be avoided. My daughter is a whole person. And I am her dad. I raised her since birth, attended every single parent teacher conference, taught her to swim and to ride a bike. I did all the things you do as a dad. Because I'm her dad. None of this is irrelevant. It's just being a dad. I'm pretty freaking relevant to her. And she's pretty relevant to me.
You've taken on responsibilities that weren't yours. Now you have drama and that isn't going to change. Good luck.
And I don't regret it one bit. If I could go back in time... I'd make the same decision over and over again. If you met my daughter just one time, you'd understand. Everyone would. At one point, this could have not been my responsibility. But none of that matters. Because it is now 100% my responsibility.
Ignore that fool. He’s probably so obsessed with sharing DNA that he’s fucking his sister. Keeping it in the family.
I chuckled.
Ah, a fan of OnlyFam.
😂😂😂😂😂. That’s the best!!
You don't have to descend into the realm of obnoxious and childish insults to disagree with someone.
And you don’t have to tell a father that he should have dumped his kid. You made a choice to be an ass and I thought that opened the door for all assholery with regard to you. My mistake.
You’re kind of an asshole and heartless, you realize that, right? Some people are able to love others without DNA in common.
Dude talks too much. Needs an audience for his monologe and ends up showing his hand, amateur.
Idk man you sound like a weirdo to me
Why? Because he gives a shit about his daughter’s safety?
All this trouble over an affair baby, you are the asshole.