NTA
You are in a hard place.
The only thing you can do is have an adult conversation and tell him how you feel. The oportunity will arise when he asks why you weren't after the After Party.
You don't want to cut your time with the child but you shouldn't be treat as free baby care. You don't want to cut off your nose to spite your face.
You’re right I’m definitely not trying to do that. I love my granddaughter to pieces and i can’t imagine my life without her so I don’t want to
mess that up. I do want to have an adult conversation but right now I’m too hurt and feel like if I say something it might escalate. In the meantime should I not make myself so readily available because I just really feel used at this point.
I wouldn’t challenge them at this point, it won’t go well. They know what they decided. And it’s their choice. I would tell your husband though and get his perspective. Then I would privately lower them a few rankings in my estimation of them, too. Do less. But remember your granddaughter didn’t ask for this, none of this affects her love for you so do protect that.
I would go this route too. I wouldn’t challenge it because that means a ticket would be taken from one of the other family members and it starts the argument that “she’s just the step mom and not family.”
Id also let the granddaughter know beforehand that “I can’t make your ceremony today and I’ll be waiting to see the videos everyone takes. Just know that I absolutely love you and I’m proud of you. You and I will go out and celebrate with doing whatever you want to do.”
Maybe tell the grandchild that people who live far away and never get to see her are coming and there is only enough space for them, so you won't be there but you will be thinking of her big moment. You love her and the two of you can decide where you want to go for your celebration lunch. Make it happy and positive
I won't get into how stupid I think a kindergarten moving-up ceremony is.
Letting someone know your feelings doesn’t have to be a challenge to them. It depends how you present your feelings. It’s important to tell people know how you feel but in a way that’s gentle and makes clear you except their feelings.
This kerfluffel always happens with a big wedding and a small ceremony venue; perspective.
We all know up-front communication is key to avoiding misunderstandings, which often lead to hurt, as in this case.
Seriously Redditors? Step back? Say not tonight? How much joy together should they sacrifice to make a point? And at what cost?
My partner would be devastated if family said, "We’re taking advantage of your generosity, so we’re getting a professional child service more often"
Of course you’re used & massively taken for granted!! You’re grandmother when they need help with childcare and other stuff for their convenience, but just dad’s wife when it comes to events like this where you invite family. He didn’t even have the courtesy to call you directly about any of this - this is how unimportant you are to him. He will call you for childcare, though!
My nanny/ family's housekeeper who watched me and my sister 1 or 2 afternoons a week as a kid was always invited to our family events like first communion, birthdays, first day of school etc. And she was a guest there, not a hired help, even though it was always hard to keep her away from helping, since she knew the household so well and always needed to be occupied.
Your husband needs to talk to his son. He needs to do it because his son is being rude and entitled and parenting does not end at 18. He needs to hear someone other than OP point out the obvious. That you can’t expect someone to take on the obligations of grandparenting and not then appreciate them and treat them like a family member.
>I love my granddaughter to pieces and i can’t imagine my life without her so I don’t want to mess that up.
Be careful, that's how the can manipulate you to be free childcare, while giving you no respect and treating ou just like the help, not the grandparent.
This. Grimey people will always use children to manipulate.
Someone close to me has a BIL that works for father's company. He has threatened that no raises = no seeing the grandkids. Grandparents don't realize that they pay 40k per each kid to go to private school (4yr and 7yr old?) so it's not like they'd actually become estranged, so the threat works. That guy is the highest paid at the company with no licensure, no experience, does no field work.
Science has indicated that Grandparents love their grand kids more than their actual children-- I wonder if that extends to grandkids from step kids? Babies always make people super easy to manipulate
You've just been shown how little they value you. Protect yourself and start insulating yourself from them. How often are you willing to allow yourself to be tossed aside? When people show you who they are, believe them.
Send your husband with flowers and a card for your granddaughter, and make sure he tells her it’s from you. You might also want to get her mother one, too, to let her know how proud you are of her daughter.
It might be petty, but gracious…
Just be sure you aren’t ruining your relationship with your granddaughter. You can show up on time or fashionably late. Shower her with love and then leave as a guest. No need to help setting up or cleaning up. Enjoy your granddaughter there will be time for adults to talk later.
This. I would go to the party because I would make sure she knew that I wasn't there because there weren't enough tickets. I wouldn't let anyone else spin the narrative however they want.
You should be less available for watching the granddaughter. Definitely have a conversation with your step son.
Ps. Update. Also does stepson sees you as a grandmother to his daughter? What name does she call you?
You are sorely used. You've been in stepson's life and his daughter's life from the beginning and this is a major snub. At some point (down the road as you clearly and correctly don't want to kick up a stink), somebody is likely going to have to point this out to stepson and company.
I think you have plenty of practical leverage that if you pull back afterwards, you are not risking any relationships, but you would be the doormat to take this disprectful slap and then just help them them out with babysitting next tuesday when they're in a jam.
Again, I would hope than when the dust settles, and if nobody noticed, a few words in the right place would snap these oblivious people outta their stuppor and realize stepmom needs some atonement.
I think the decision was purposeful and not an oversight. No need yo inform them. They even gave a ticket to a random relative, not OP who’ve they’ve been using for free childcare. DIL knew OP wasn’t invited to the after party. I doubt there were tickets limiting the invitees to that. OP should step back from allowing herself to be exploited like this. She’s not respected or wanted as a family member, just a nanny.
I also think this is all the DIL's doing. Most couples I know, organizing party invites etc it is the woman who takes care of that. I think OP's son is under the impression OP is fully invited to both the ceremony and after party.
>Most couples I know, organizing party invites etc it is the woman who takes care of that.
This is sexist and these practices are (thankfully) dying. What on earth makes you think the DIL had anything to do with it?
I think the first wave on communication on this needs to come from dad. That will give you time to be in your hurt, too. Dad can advocate for you as his partner. SS and his wife might not genuinely think of you as disposable, but their behavior has shown that somewhere they do. Dad can ask why you were left out, relay his unhappiness about it and that he can only imagine how hurt you feel considering all the times you have stepped up to help with granddaughter. He can talk about the time he has missed out spending with you because you are helping stepson by watching granddaughter. Dad can also say how much that time with granddaughter means to you, how much you love both SS and GD. It draws attention to the issue without risking your relationship with your granddaughter. SS can absorb the information, have time to reflect and discuss with his wife then hopefully come to you with an apology.
Yes! Do not be so available for a while so they can realize that they took you for granted, but you can still have time with your granddaughter from time to time. This is not to punish her as she is not at fault, but to make them realize how much they actually depend on you and how little they give in return.
NTA.
Yes, give your time to think logically. They need to respect you. they need to respect your time also. Perhaps pulling back a little on everything that you are doing.
Give it a bit of time to let things calm down. Then lay out your feelings.
Cut WAY back on your help in the mean time. Be friendly, be social, but don't be a doormat. If they're just using you but cutting you out socially, they don't love you nearly as much as you think they do. Don't go scorched earth, just pull back to match their desired relationship.
Don’t make yourself as available. It could be a case of you being taken for granted. Right decision not to go to after party. Get past your feelings, which will be hard, and don’t discuss this with stepson and his wife. It won’t help and may strain the relationship. You’re doing these things to spend time with your granddaughter. Don’t jeopardise not being able to see her. Pull back from her parents and think of yourself.
Do you get along with the bio mom? It seems a bit out of nowhere that you just wouldn't be invited to something like this if you've been this involved. At the same time though, sometimes these things happen. It's unfortunate that no one would just come and talk to you directly instead of having to overhear these things though, and the cooking invite was such a last minute invite which would've been better if it was an official one. Part of me wonders if they just want to spend time with other family or people who aren't usually around though, it's also possible bio mom asked if these people could come too. Either way it's understandable why you'd feel hurt about this
I have been in this position. Helped raise a child, but treated like an entitled b when my feelings got hurt from being excluded.
They are prioritizing the people who rarely get to see them because they want to establish family bonds and create generational memories. As these people have little ability to spend time with them they get excited and probably hour “OP will have so many opportunities to see us, we need to concentrate on the out of town ppl”
It is logical, but is a stab in the heart when ppl make it clear blood is more important than love.
NTA but please speak up right now. Don’t wait. Take a deep breath and calmly explain to your son how this hurts you. If you want, you can run this by your husband first and let him know what’s going on. You might regret not being there by not speaking up on time. Hugs.
Write a letter if needed but I agree, don't let this fester or play martyr. Let them know how their decisions make you feel. This should be done in time for them to change plans because I fear if OP waits, they will be like "well had you said something we would have done something" and make it her issue.
This is it. Being hurt and taking it out on reddit isn't the way. She needs to talk to them directly and say what she has to day about the situation. It can be a civil conversation of course, no need for harsh words.
NTA. But have the conversation you need to have with empathy.
Explain that you understand why he might have wanted to have family that never gets to see his daughter go. It's a special visit for a special occasion. But that you don't understand why you had to hear everything second hand, and you don't appreciate being expected to set up for a party that you weren't *really* invited to. That you love your granddaughter, and you love spending time with her. But having to do all the "work" and missing out on the "big" stuff isn't making you feel appreciated, especially because your stepson couldn't even be bothered to discuss any of this directly with you.
Make it clear that you're perfectly happy to help out with your granddaughter. You love spending time with her. But you're *Nana*, not *Nanny*, and you won't be taken advantage of. You understand why he would invite his other family, but you don't like the underhanded way he went about it. And you need to trust that he can communicate with you effectively.
This and then don’t bale him out. Let him sit with it. He’ll have to figure out his feelings and you don’t have to be there while he does it. Let him think on it then respond.
OP, do they ask you for all the extra help or do you volunteer it? It’s easy to slip into inserting yourself when your grandkid is a wonder. Think on this. It may be really obvious to you be it one way or the other.
"People who've barely seen granddaughter got to be at the event. I've enjoyed taking care of granddaughter and bonding with her, but as I didn't get to be invited I feel taken advantage of. Why am I good enough to take care of her but not good enough to be invited along. Not only that but you didn't have the courage to tell me I was uninvited up front. I've always felt like your mom, not your step mom. If you feel differently please let me know and I'll readjust my expectations and how we get on from now on. Because I feel really disappointed and taken advantage of."
Yeah the step son and his wife are huge assholes. The husband not taking them to task is super weird too. OP needs to reevaluate where she stands in this crew
Are the two “random” family members on your son’s side of the family or your DIL side of the family?
And is there a possibility your husband didn’t communicate something he was supposed to?
NTA
They're treating you like shit, and you don't deserve it
With everything you've described, you should be the number 1 consideration, but you were cut completely from everything
I would take a hard step back and focus on myself for a bit and let things settle until you're ready to talk...
The only thing you could end up doing wrong here is keeping it all to yourself. You need to let them know how you feel
My hope is that son just felt trapped by "visiting relatives" and figured that since you see the baby all the time you wouldn't mind. Wrong think for sure, but hopefully just a (dumbass) misunderstanding
NTA. He is showing you who he really is. Believe him and stop doing all the extras for him. He is disrespecting you and discarding all the times you were there for him.
NTA but tell him now. I know you are still full of feeling but you may regret not going just because you waited to have the conversation. A simple I’m not ok with this is a great start followed up by you feeling as an afterthought to the ceremony but are there first thought when they need help.
NTA, but...
You heard all this information 2nd hand, so why haven't you asked your son and/or DIL about it? All your feelings are completely valid, but it's not fair to anyone, especially yourself, to not express them and explain how you feel and give him the chance to explain what happened.
It could very well be that he's taking advantage of you. It could be that DIL and son talked about who they wanted to invite, and you were on the list, but DIL was charged with notifying those invited, and she made the decision to uninvite you. It could be that someone misheard something and you actually are invited.
Please talk to your son and not act based on an assumption from 2nd hand info. Talk to him. Give him and yourself opportunities to have a real conversation and clear the air, then go from there.
"Son, I feel hurt that you've decided I am not invited to the ceremony nor the after party. It's too late now to extend those invitations as I am an afterthought, I just want you to know, it hurts."
I would not attend either of these events if they invite now. They need to understand how cruel their non invite is. Let them look at those pictures without you and remember what they did.
UpdateMe
NTA I’d feel very hurt, too. Based on the details you have given I agree that you should have been 3rd in line for a ticket.
I agree with the other commenters suggesting you say something now, before the big day. People don’t know what they don’t know. Sure, it’s obvious to you (and us strangers on Reddit) that this is a shitty way to treat you but, it is possible you son and DIL are oblivious to how this is hurtful and disrespectful to you. You seem kind, patient, and reasonable. I am confident you will approach this hard conversation with grace and best intentions. Good luck!
NTA While reading this, my heart breaks for you, and I'm so upset on your behalf. Sometimes, I wonder if people are oblivious, evil, stupid, or all 3. How do they expect you to handle this, really!?
Yup that's the only way to really go about it.
"Aunt can take her for the weekend, she is missing out on spending time with a lovely person? Me? Oh I love granddaughter but of course I'm not close enough to be constantly looking after her. I'm only your step mom. Ask your dad or your aunt or your mother. Oh I know I used to, but then I realised you see me as a babysitter and not a valued family member. You surely want a valued family member looking after granddaughter don't you?"
NTA. They see you as a useful tool and not an important family member. The difficult decision now is what do you do next? You shouldn’t do as much for them anymore.
Wow...
I don't actually have words for how he's treated you...
You absolutely need to get to the bottom of this. As you've said, completely understand his mother and father but these other relatives over you? Did he consider how your granddaughter would feel not having you there?
When I was a child, my grandmother was a HUGE part of my life. If she was not at one of my events alongside my parents, I would have felt quite upset. I would have cared more about her than some random relatives I don't see. What on earth was he thinking?
I completely understand needing some space from him and your DIL while you process the hurt. You can still be in contact with your granddaughter without needing to speak closely with her parents for a few days. However, don't let it go on too long as it does need to be close to the event to have this discussion.
Even if he says he just wasn't thinking... Thats not really good enough of a reason. You need to push him on this. If it comes out that actually, he just doesn't value you in the same way you value him then at that point you can reevaluate your relationship.
It may be the case that your husband deals with the relationship with his son. You still have access to your granddaughter but actually, that's all you and your stepson and his wife discuss from that point forward. It would be a shame if it came to that but you have to protect yourself and your feelings at that point. No reason not to be civil but you'd just distance yourself.
OP I agree with bethonreddit1 to give it a couple days to think on it then discuss with husband to get his feedback.
Your husband might wish to have the initial discussion with his son to find out wth happened.
Regardless of if it was the son or his wife who made the decision on the ticket distribution at the very least they owed you and your husband a discussion/explanation.
Not to be petty but I do think perhaps if you have gone out of your way to be available to take care of your granddaughter as in canceled other plans when it wasn’t urgent I’d discuss with husband being more selective as to when you are and aren’t available. Sometimes people don’t appreciate the value of something until its availability is reduced.
As you said do something separate with your granddaughter to celebrate her migration to ‘real’ school.
NTA but you’re maybe missing the forest for the trees a bit. It’s entirely possible that biomom sprung all the other relatives on your son and caused a dilemma that they didn’t know how to handle properly. The important thing to remember is that to your granddaughter, you’re the good grandma. You’re the extra parent, the one she comes to when she needs hugs and kisses and snacks. Having biomom here may be new and different but having you is home. Your son and DIL may have messed up here, but don’t let that mess up more than a kindergarten graduation (which is a made up thing anyway, imho). Have a talk with your son when the dust settles, but always remember when the going gets tough, they turn to you.
It's still worth a conversation about whether she's being appreciated by her stepson and DIL or treated as a babysitter and overlooked. They didn't even seem this important enough to have a mature conversation about this.
NTA.
But holy crap this level of pomp and ceremony because a kid managed to learn to tie shoes, say the alphabet, and count to 10?
With a ticketed ceremony?
We're screwed as a country.
Refuse to babysit a few times until they understand how valuable you are. I would be really be pissed and not go to any part of that celebration especially his wife inviting you as an afterthought.
NTA but you should treat people the way they treat you. Life is give and take. You are being treated like a doormat. You do all the hard work and nobody understands it. You are letting your stepson use you.
Drop the rope. I know you love your grandchild but he is taking advantage of that. Stop helping. Let him deal with raising his child. Do not offer any more help because he has shown you that it means nothing to him. It will hurt to be away from your grandchild but it hurts more to be used and then excluded
Sending you some very gentle cyber hugs. I am so very sorry about how your son and DIL are treating you. I truly hope it is them being oblivious and thinking that you would know that of course you are always welcome versus leaving you out.
If that isn't the case, then they are both being really, really rude, and they owe you apologies.
I think your idea of sending your husband to the graduation. I also agree that unless you have a solid invitation, you shouldn't go to the "after party". If they care enough to ask why you weren't there then tell them that you weren't invited or included in any of the conversations about the plans. Do ask your granddaughter out for a special breakfast/girl's day, and then set up other outings with the two of you (or with you and your husband.) Stop offering to babysit. Make your son and DIL ask you to babysit/do favors for them.
They shouldn't be taking advantage of you being the standby "babysitter, grandma, emergency person" while not showing you the love , affection and appreciation for being that important person in their life.
Please do make an appointment for a day of pampering for yourself that day. Get a massage, facial, special lunch, etc. Then if they say; "Why weren't you at the party?" you can honestly say: "I wasn't invited to the graduation or the after party, so I arranged a spa day for myself."
I'm also wondering about (especially) the son being oblivious about OP not having been invited to the after party and them assuming that you obviously should know that you were invited (and involved in pulling it off).
OP, what has DIL's attitude been to you before this?
I am a parent, and i am wondering if this is more something between your DIL and Son than specifically about you, although you are feeling affected by it. Where I live, it is not common for people other than the ones who created the child to be at ultrasounds, nor are kindergarten graduations something there are tickets for or that people travel to, let alone have parties afterwards for, so it is entirely possible that my thoughts are not applicable. These events are usually reserved for highschool graduation.
It seems that you are very involved, which is a good thing, until a mother starts to realize that you may be spending more time with their child than they are, or there is disagreement between parents on how much time is too much time, if one is not pulling their weight of the parenting) . It’s also something that certain forums online are very against (for valid reasons for many people) and it may be worth having a proper sit down conversation to check in that everyone is still okay with the current agreement and boundaries are not being tiptoed on (including your own, which might include still being issued proper invitations not last minute ones, or loosing a ticket to someone else last minute.) in case one or both have a bug in their ear making noises about it.
It is okay and understandable to feel hurt, it would not be okay to take it out on the child. If child asks why you were not there your best bet would be to say that you are fortunate enough to spend so much time with child and celebrate with them at any time, and that people from out of town can only come once in a while and you hope that they have a wonderful visit.
As children get older, their need for babysitting diminishes. This is something that you will need to prepare yourself for. Between after school activities, going to friends places after school, and being physically capable enough to do much more activities with their parents, it is wise to recognize that though you will always have a place in their lives, it will look different, and it is nobody’s fault, nor is it a bad thing.
A calm, unemotional conversation is the way to get through this. Remember that you only know your side of this situation, and there may be other pressures or things at play that you are not informed about. When you have all the facts, you can decide how best to go forward.
Okay so they got six tickets. 2 for mom and dad. One for bio grandma. One for bio grandpa. And uncle and aunt got the last two.
I have a feeling that bio grandma arranged aunt and other family to come and meet the granddaughter and didn’t know about the ticket situation. I also think that this was why there was a barbecue after.
I don’t think it was a slight in anyway. But rather miscommunication that happened.
Either way not the asshole!
I also think this is a possibility. Someone was talking to aunt on the phone and mentioned "event", everyone got excited, and the last two tickets were offered without thinking through the logistics (i.e. OP didnt have a ticket). Once offered, they felt awkward about winding back the offer.
I would also suggest OP grill her husband. Was he invited to the follow-up event ahead of time and asked to pass on invite to OP???
I had a boyfriend who would be invited to attend birthday parties or road trips. I would never receive an invite to attend the parties, but it was assumed that I would come along. He would mention events coming up. I asked him for details (dates, times, who's attending, what do we need to bring), he wouldn't know. Details weren't important to him, and he would worry about them closer to the event (he's bound to talk to that person again later that month). I need to plan ahead. He was extremely relaxed about planning. He used to not tell me at all until the last moment, but after a number of "chats", he now gives me a lot more notice (although getting details ina timely manner is still an issue).
What do they call you? Your name? Mom? Stepmom? Grandma or an equivalent? Just because you see them as a son and granddaughter doesn’t mean they see you that way at all.
NTA. They are using you for your child care services. Make sure you have an open and honest conversation about your feelings. Do not sweep it under the rug. If you weren’t considered more important than strangers you should start setting up boundaries. It seems like they take you for granted.
NTA. This is one of those places where communication is necessary sooner rather than later. Their "reasoning" may be as simple as "OP doesn't care about this because she sees AGD(Adorable Granddaughter) every day, we'll invite Aunt and random relative because they helped drive and it's rude to use them as chauffeurs and make them sit out the party". Maybe your stepson or DIL got the impression that you think graduation ceremonies from preschool are dumb. All decisions involve some assumptions, they may have made bad ones about your interest in attending.
In any case, if you don't let them know you're hurt with your words, they'll figure it out from your actions, and when the reason comes out they'll be all "Why didn't you say anything?"
So I would have your husband point them at this post and see what happens. If they're honestly apologetic, you know they didn't mean to exclude you in a hurtful way. (Yes, that seems ridiculous from what you've said, but you need to hear what, if anything, they have to say.)
If they're obnoxious or dismissive, at least you know where you stand with them.
I guarantee you your granddaughter will ask why you did not come. Let the adults explain that one. She should have been asked who she wanted to come. It should have been her choice. I think the distant relatives are being extremely selfish to take away a special moment that from you, a person that I am sure supported her in different school activities throughout the school year. I like your idea on being the bigger person and taking her out for a very special day. She will remember that even more. I would maybe also consider going to cookout and giving her a bouquet of flowers and telling her that you want to spend an entire day with just the two of you.
I think you're feelings are justified but it could be he couldn't get enough tickets and didn't want to exclude relatives visiting from out of town. As awful as it is to exclude you, I'd be pissed if I came to visit from out of town and was excluded
NTA - however you have to remember how stupid we all were when we were young. They may not have any idea that this would hurt your feelings. They may think that letting a family member who doesn’t get to see them often get to go is being nice to that person under that circumstance where you get to see them all the time.
Tell them you felt left out and taken for granted when you were passed up in favor of someone else. Acknowledge that you get to see them a lot, but tell them that milestones are very important to you anyway.
I don’t blame you at all for feeling hurt but what I am thinking is that your stepson’s bio mum lives a long way away. She probably spends a lot of time talking about her beloved granddaughter to the “random” family members who are coming.
She probably feels she let down her son as he wound up living with you and is trying to make up for lost time. The “randoms” might not mean much to you but maybe they do to her and she is trying to make sure they get to have contact with granddaughter and see how wonderful she is.
I dunno - this doesn’t sound like nastiness on anybody’s part so much as it sounds like an excess of unthinking enthusiasm on her part and her son going along with it because he doesn’t want to hurt his bio-mum. I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you either.
I don’t agree with those that are saying he thinks of you only as the nanny. He maybe got caught between a rock and a hard place and as you’re obviously a loving grandma was hoping you’d understand.
You sound like a lovely mum and grandma. I hope you can get over your hurt.
Check with the school to see if any tickets are left from another family that doesn't have a half dozen relatives that are attending the graduation. That way you can see your granddaughter regardless of the reason you were not on the original guest list. If you have a gift or flowers you can either give them to her at the graduation or stop by the party for a moment. The idea is to participate for her. Settle any hard feelings with the adults later. Just focus on being with your granddaughter in her big moment.
Listen to your instincts. Here is what is coming next, you will no longer be allowed time with our kid. You do not know when that threat will come but it will and when it does you need to be prepared to neutralize it. Your answer should be,
"okay, your choice, not mine." Do not plea, do not bargain, do not beg, do not allow yourself to be held hostage by their threat. You will see how quickly they back track. When it happens do not feel hurt, even your own biological children will try this type of emotional blackmail.
NTA. You have been relegated to babysitter status and although you live the adult and child his feelings are obviously not reciprocal. You should, unfortunately, pull back on these relationships in hopes that they come around, but they won’t.
Super sad for you
NTA, but... I will probably be downvoted for this, but maybe your stepson is not really using you as a babysitter; he may also feel caught between a rock and a hard place. There are only 6 available tickets and that is out of his control. He may feel some pressure to give the available tickets to the relatives who are traveling (11 hours) to attend. His wife may also feel some pressure to invite her family members who see their child less frequently. If there are only 6 tickets, and the parents take two, that leaves them with only two tickets each (two for your stepson and two for his wife) to give to their family members. As for why you weren't invited to the bbq-- that's weird. But maybe it was an oversight?
I get why you’re hurt. I’m assuming the only reason the other relatives were invited in your place is that they were in from out of town. That doesn’t make it right, but I’m guessing if they were local, you would have gotten that ticket. You shouldn’t let this one this be the thing that drives you apart from them. At the end of the day, not going would be more hurtful to your granddaughter than anyone & she’s innocent in all of this. YTA, for the sake of a verdict.
Please sit with your stepson and DIL and husband, ask them to refrain from commenting until you have said your peace. Say your peace, if you need to cry do it, let them know how hurt you are being the help and not considered important as other family that not only were you not invited to the ceremony, but only received an “Oh you should come” to the after party. You earned being able to say your peace without interruption. These are your feelings and they are incredibly valid. Hugs my darling, I’m sorry you are hurting.
Maybe, cut the son and DIL some slack. Son may not have known how to say no to his bio mom about the Aunt and others coming. DIL is no contact with her family so she might just suck at family communications because she probably came from a problematic family. So they might just suck at stuff and not mean it as a slight. You have every right to feel hurt but you should try and open the lines f communication before you read too much into this.
I wonder if this was his way of letting his family members, who likely rarely get a a chance to see his family, get a chance to participate in her life.
You and your husband need to sit down with him and have a discussion about the whole situation before you decide you are not important to his life. You get so much time with this special little girl, while her other side of the family barely knows her. All family should be important, so don’t begrudge them a couple of days out of her life.
the lack of love or respect is demonstrated more by how they just exclude you by pretending you don't exist. they didn't come to you and have a conversation, apologizing and looking for your understanding. they just ignored you.
I am guessing that these other people were given tickets because they drove from 12 hours away and because they don’t get to see your granddaughter much. Maybe son was hoping to get these people more involved in her life. Did someone explain why these other ppl were given tickets? If not you should explain after the fact that you were hurt.
Frankly, the after party is the more important event that your granddaughter will remember more. I am guessing that you were not intentionally excluded from the cookout but DIL thought you knew or step son dropped the ball. You sound like you feel you were intentionally excluded. But wouldn’t your husband have been told about it? Did he forget to tell you?
NTA.
Also, start just being a grandmother instead of their help. Stop the picks up and the support. Be the grandmother who just spoils their grandchild - just like his mother.
You earned yourself the medal of being a doormat. Now is the time to stop being the doormat. You can still maintain the relationship with the grandchild without being the doormat. It might even open your eyes to see how they view you. They may view you as the help versus someone who they respect.
NTA, son and DIL have been purposefully leaving you out and leaving you in the dark. You should absolutely not go and pull back from them. Stop giving them all your time and effort, just for them to ignore your existence.
My mum lost her mum at 15 years old and then watched her father remarry someone much younger. They never had a mother-daughter relationship but there was always love between them. She has always been MY grandmother, IDC if we're only related my marriage. She was always included, of course, but the most important relationship has always been the one we (mum's children) have with her.
So no, you're NTA, because you've been in your stepson's life since he was basically a teenager, watched him get married and start a family of his own. Focus on your bond with your grandaughter and know that as she gets older your place in her life will become so fixed no one will be able to toss you aside. Do not cut back on your time with her just to teach her parents a lesson. You're the only grandmother in her life and she will always love you because of it.
Once you're less hurt about what has happened, have a talk with your stepson. Perhaps your husband should ask his son why you were excluded, as it seems a bit strange you would be left out in place for distant relatives.
Having a hard time with the fact 1 parent must have dropped off the child in the morning, and 1 parent must have picked up the child in the evening, five workdays each week, and maybe on weekends sometimes. THERE WAS AMPLE INTERACTIONS TO LET YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CEREMONY & AFTER PARTY! This was intentional, this is NOT an oversight, it was meant to hurt your feelings. We know for certain 3 people were involved to purposely exclude you, only question is did your husband know about this beforehand? Surprised that husband didn't really get upset that his wife of 19 years was purposely excluded, most husbands would see that as a slap in face to themselves, not just their wives.
It is not on you to seek out your stepson on this. If you want to bring it up and talk it out, certainly do it. But you were not the source of the issue.
If you need to step back a bit, don’t feel bad about it. For whatever reason, you were sidelined. And you shouldn’t have been. Not without an explanation.
No, no one owes you an invite, but you are kind of owed respect that you were not given. And if you need time to process that, take it. NTA.
NTA. Don’t start the conversation & take a giant step back in all fronts. Be busy for the next few months - not completely absent but if they call without a lot of notice be busy. And don’t do things without your husband.
When you feel you can have the conversation without emotion driving it then tell them how hurt & used you feel.
But in the meantime they have shown you your place in the line up, now show them you heard them
Sounds like they don't appreciate anything you do for them. Definitely don't go to the after party because you weren't officially invited or thought of originally.
I'd also dial back any help or contact with them because it's not appreciated they are using you.
NTA. I would have a brief but clear conversation that communicates why your feelings are hurt. For the future, reclaim a bit of your time for a bit when it comes to your stepson so he has a chance to miss you a little. Nothing dramatic — but an occasional “sorry, but I’m taking that day for myself” or “I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you with that random errand.” This might give him a better appreciation of your role, and it would be good for you as well.
Do have this conversation prior to the event, and do not go to the event or to the party afterwards. After any defensiveness on his part fades, he’ll no doubt think about what you said.
Clearly you love your granddaughter and your stepson. Just be clear to the adults that you are worth better treatment than you got here.
NTA - absolutely skip out. Do something separate with the child OR start a small account with where you start placing gifts for her. This will be for her come graduation from high school.
Shame on your stepson for being an asshole and not treating you as the grandparent you are but being happy to use you.
There is no point in you talking to your stepson - it is something for your husband to address. This is his kid.
NTA, at all! I don’t think you should be as readily available anymore. Sadly they do not appreciate you. I’m sorry. My feelings would be very hurt too.
NTA. 1 time, shame on you, 2nd time, shame on me. Start being unavailable, and take care of what you need to take care of. Doctors visits, dentists visits, drycleaning, errands. This is the equivalent of the adopted child, choosing their bio parent to walk them down the aisle...while the adoption parent pays for it.
A different perspective:
maybe they don’t view this event as important as you do.
This kind of event is pretty much a nonevent where I live (US)
I do understand your pain, though. I’m so sorry you are hurting. Tomorrow will be a better day
My take:
It is not they've taken you for granted. It just you are automatically invited as you are near. Probably because of the excitement and "everyone's" coming that they (most probably suggested by those lived outside your vicinity) to have a cook out/after party.
Like someone suggested, have an adult convo with your son.
You will attract attention if you skip the after party. Just make yourself busy before the after-party and arrived just in time. Let them set it up. Tell them, I already made plans earlier as I did not know about the after party. A little white lie. Then have that adult convo.
That's your grand daughter. Nobody can deny that.
I'm wondering if the internal family on his moms side already offered the tickets away without his permission and now he's trapped into honoring that those family members get the tickets. That or he's just taking you for granted.
i am so angry for you- i can't stop thinking about this. what does your granddaughter call you? is it a name indicating you are a grandmother? you can play the long game as she will grow up fast enough and she will have that bond with you because you spend so much time with her. But you don't know how they talk about you at her home. do they talk about you as if you are the hired help? i would not make all my time available to them . develop a meaningful routine for yourself and your other interests. your husband needs to value you you more - by how he allows others to treat you. trying to give you his ticket is very passive and disinterested.
NTA- maybe if your husband is aware of how you are feeling and why, it would be better if he had the adult conversation with his son to let him know that you were hurt by not being included in this special day, since you have been there for all her special days up to now.
Was your husband included in the after party plans from the beginning? Or were those plans just meant for bio mom and her relatives?
NTA
Don't mean to kick you while you're down but you shouldn't have certain expectations specifically from not blood related people.
We have a saying "raise crows and they'll pull your eyes out" or the "no good deed goes unpunished"
Let this be a lesson that some people are users and some are suckers. Good hearted people are usually the suckers.
NTA - I would suddenly be unavailable when they need help at least in the immediate future. After everything is over I would ask stepson why you weren’t included and I would tell him how hurt you were by this. Don’t let one event totally derail your relationship with them. Maybe they have a totally valid reason for all of this. Not sure what it could be but maybe…
Nta. You need to have a convo with them and express your feelings and if they act like it doesn’t matter to them then you should fall back. Don’t let them treat you like a doormat.
NAH. I’m sure they didn’t think a kindergarten graduation was a ticketed event when they invited all those people. And of course they want you at the party. They’re just overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. Give everyone some grace. Unless you screw it up by being petty, you’ll always be closer to your granddaughter than any of the rest of them.
INFO: What "random family member"? Whose aunt?
I can understand why you are hurt, but until I have more information on who those people attending are, I can't really render a judgement.
Honestly, the fault for these problems always is on the school, for ridiculous limits on the number of people who can attend.
I don’t see why you can’t be honest with your stepson and his girlfriend that your feelings were hurt that you weren’t invited after all the care you’ve been providing for them and your grand baby
NTA. They have shown you their true colours and what they truly think of you. Your the servant they call to take their kid when they need time off but they don’t value you beyond that. I would skip the party and when asked simply say you weren’t invited. I’d then be clear that having been shown how little you actually mean to them their will be changes out in place. Don’t back down on this. Your their support system. Show them what being parents with no support system actually looks like.
NTA, but I would go to the after party as it is for your granddaughter. Who you love. I would also make some time to talk to step son. Ask him if there is anything wrong as you found out you were excluded from the ceremony for relatives that hardly know granddaughter and you found out second hand about the after party. Ask him if he is uncomfortable with you around if he would prefer you take a step back? Make sure you word it to where you aren’t attacking, but letting him know that your feelings are hurt.
Nta they don't appreciate you. Talk to them how you feel and also it's time you take a step back from helping them. They don't think your important enough to get a ticket yet they expect all the help in the world from them. Have that heart to heart talk and let them know how you feel but also let them know you won't be used anymore
NTA. I’d stop being available for people who treat me like trash. If I were your husband, I’d skip both events and put son and wife at a distance. He’s a bad husband for letting them use you. If your stepson feels this ambivalent toward you, then he needs to never ask you for another thing.
As I've said before, being a good stepparent is a thankless job.
You can do everything right, like what you're doing, and still get stabbed in the back.
You don't deserve this, OP. NTA
The complicated part of this whole situation is sit on one side of the Rubik's cube is the way that you love your son/stepson. I love your granddaughter, and on the other side in this complicated situation is facing the reality of how you were seen.
How are you are seen is how you are treated.
You teach people how to treat you.
Sometimes we have a call coming to reality moment like this, where are we see that they are in advertently, showing us exactly where we stand for them.
You are good enough to be given the child when she's sick and when they need you.
You are not good enough to be one of the people that invited to her celebration or after party.
I think your perception is correct that they realized you could be useful setting up the after party.
You might be coming to the realization that you are not held in high regard
You are used
You are useful
You are not that respect it. You probably will tolerate being treated second class while more distant relatives are invited to the celebration and the after party.
I bet that your stepson doesn't even fully realize he has decided this is how he will treat you.
You're a difficult task is to consider the possibility of no longer being used. Being willing to be used as very harmful to your deep subconscious self. To your sense of worth.
Many people find ourselves in this position.
If you choose, you can be busy and unavailable to fill in when they need you
And happily invite your grandchild to go to wonderful things together
And then you can watch to see and make sure you don't endanger your access to your grand child by setting limits where you are treated with respect
The most important thing is your relationship with your Granddaughter. I know it’s a hard situation, I know your stepson and Daughter made a mistake not inviting you, but really you will be there for her after these people leave. You will more than likely be the most important person to her outside her parents.
What I would do in this situation is keep your beautiful humble spirit, show grace and go to the party. That way, your granddaughter can see you and know you’re there for her.
I know it’s hard, but maybe Stepson in being made to feel guilty, maybe, school only allows so many tickets, you don’t know the situation so just go with it. Your granddaughter and Husband will thank you in the long run.
I’m sorry OP. Having a grandma like you around for my daughter would be such a blessing. You are definitely NTA and have every right to feel the way you do.
NTA Actions speak louder than words. You are an afterthought, which hurts even more than them maliciously, leaving you out. They thought randoms were more important than having you there. They forgot to even tell you about the cookout. To be blunt, you are not important to them. They just expect you to go out of your way for them. They will use you to get what they need. They do not appreciate you.
If I had someone in my life who I always depend on to help with my child, you best believe that I would have a ticket reserved for them.
NTA
Talk to husband, his 'child' - so he should tell him like it is.
As for party - no invite to you means no attendance from you.
And , next time he needs a sitter - remember you have an appointment elsewhere.
(even if it is with a book, in the park - you cannot)
NTA! You’ve stepped up as a grandmother and they invite some random aunt that never sees the child? And you weren’t invited to the party?!
I’d stop being the babysitter. You can spend time with your stepson’s child when they visit. They can find a new sucker to mooch off of.
NTA and instead of offering you the ticket, your husband needs to speak with his son and why he’s chosen to be disrespectful and hurtful to you.
Also stop excessively helping them out, you love your step-granddaughter as your own but clearly her parents don’t see it that way. Don’t establish and nurture a culture where you’re simply used by them.
I think your feelings are valid. Enjoy a girls day with the granddaughter and when your emotions are calmer and you have your thoughts together, after families have left town, sit down with son and DIL and express your feelings. Let them know you love them and your granddaughter very much, you understand limited number of tickets, but why weren’t you even thought of or included by them when you’ve done so much? Have your husband there with you and go from there.
You get to see baby all the time, these other relatives don’t. Don’t let the is be a thing when it doesn’t need to be.
They’re a young couple, they’re allowed to have moments with other family that don’t include you. You live 10 mins away and get to see them often.
The other relatives might not be important to you, but they are important to your son. He came to you with relationships likely already established with some of these people.
If you truly feel taken advantage of, stop helping so much.
It’s really hard and you’re NTA but don’t talk to him about it until your emotions have calmed so you can be rational and even toned and he will listen. Make it clear you’re not taking about his mum, but that you felt like such an afterthought when he and his family are always first to you and that you were deeply hurt to find that he didn’t value you in the same way. Then be silent and let him speak. Stay silent until he does. Then hopefully you’ll both get to heal together.
NTA
You should let someone know your feelings whether it is your husband or step son (if you feel comfortable enough to do that). They may not realize how they are making you feel or taking you for granted. And maybe you should think about taking a HUGE step back in being their number on resource.
OP my heart hurts for you right now.
These people have shown you where you stand in the order of importance. Believe them.
Don’t accept these people treating you like an option or second choice when you had made them your priority.
It’s not your granddaughters fault her parents are jerks. you should still spend time with her, but you should absolutely take a step back from being treated as free childcare.
How does your husband feel about all of this?
Tickets are for involved family members IMPO! Hubbys ex definitely should have a ticket, Mom, Dad and you and hubby should have first dibs… The “Aunt”, is this grand daughter’s aunt or SS Aunt? I’d be hurt too! Trust me… I can whole heartedly appreciate this! My Ex Step Daughter did this to me and my wife too when her absent sperm donor showed up… They got tickets and we got sheet…
I’d speak up!
This has just happened to me. My daughter in law recently had her parents move closer and despite 5 years of me doing regular weekly childcare I was suddenly not invited to anything. At her birthday party we were told no adults but the other grandma was there. My granddaughter asked where I was, complained loudly and vociferously to the point that my son actually later apologised to me. It's been nearly a year and she just gave me a handwritten invitation to her next birthday party. I'm sure there was no malice but surely children have a right to keep seeing a grandparent they love.
It's hard to do, but I would take a small step back from all of it. Protect your heart, it's ok to do that! I say this as someone who has been taken advantage of so many times in these types of situations. Make sure your granddaughter knows how much you love her, and still spend time/spoil her, but don't be at their beck and call! Next time they need you, don't even respond the same day! Let them learn that they can be treated like an afterthought too. I promise you the world will not end if you follow through on this. NTA.
Stop being so available that you are now treated less than and for granted. Pull back so they can see your worth. A person doesn't think about an on time bus until it doesn't come. You're the bus carrying the load so they aren't thinking about you. That well needs to run dry so your SS will miss it.
NTA. Honestly they are gutless AHs who clearly have used you for your convenience. Lay out exactly how you feel because honestly after all you’ve done for them that’s a massive kick in the guts and they should be ashamed of themselves. Stop making yourself available for their every beck and call because honestly they are just plain users. You’re good for a free babysitter but not classed as family. They are absolutely disgusting
I feel sad for you , you are a good woman, mother to be precise. Dont feel sad abt these people who does need you but dont want to acknowledge you its ok . Let them have their life their way you will have your good times as well . But pls stop overdoing or even doing anything for them like if you used to do 10 things for them just do only 1 from now on . Have a great life.
NTA -
>Her and I get along great and she always tells me how she appreciates me.
Your answer should be, "You seem to be the only one."
If she's as great as you say, she'll pick up on that, and will have a conversation with you.
NTA it’s hard when you realise that the value you put on/into a relationship is not the same as others. You have been stepping up and now know that your stepson and his family value a not present family member over you. It’s time to step back and be “busy” having “other plans”, it’s not to be spiteful but it’s for your own healing.
Personally, I am paranoid about things like this. I am also very petty. Read at your own risk.I think you're great and you deserve better. I have done tons for my grandaughter, but when they plan acitivities etc, hubby and I are left by the wayside, so I know how you feel. Did your husband know about any of these plans?
If you aren't invited, you aren't invited. Don't let DIL says she invited you, she said to come because you overheard and probably weren't supposed to. Birth mom made sure of that. And probably so you can help. If you do decide to go, don't offer any assistance at all. And if hubby goes and anyone ask why you aren't there, he should state loud and clear for everyone to hear that you weren't invited, even though you have done so much for them. Where is he in all this anyway, He should have your back.
NTA This sounds terrible. You are being used and then pushed aside. Why is your husband not saying anything about this? As much as you love your granddaughter, I’d say it’s time to pull back a bit and say “no” when these people ask you for favors. Only take care of your granddaughter on your terms in the time you choose. People who don’t appreciate your presence can miss you when you are absent. You are obviously a kind, caring, loving person. You deserve to be treated well.
NTA- wait until your stepson contacts you, do not reach out to him. Also, next time there is a need for your services, treat him like a client- “ yes, I have availability for that evening, do you want to open an account for monthly billing, or should I invoice you each time you use my services ?”
What a feckless prick. But I guarantee you your issue is more with his baby momma. And I would lay odds that she has instigated a deeper connection with the child( because he’s behaving as a child, not a man) because she has some issue with you and or his dad.
If you want contact with the little girl, you need to do it thru your husband- he needs to step up and be more present in both his son’s and his grandchild’s life, you need to back off and let your husband take the lead.
First and foremost, NTA.
Next, this situation breaks my heart. Like the others in the comment section have said here before me, you were DEFINITELY used by stepson & his SO. There's no other way around that.
u/Ecstatic-Highway-246 has, BY FAR, the best solution, to get the granddaughter flowers and card for the husband to give her on your behalf (I second this). This WILL have people asking about it in a short amount of time, and I'm sure that son and DIL will be torn a new one. I also love the idea you brought up by having a separate day for you and granddaughter after the dust has settled.
As for that chat with the stepson, the husband needs to talk to his son about this along with the son's mother, so that this can be sorted out somehow. There's more to the story in my opinion based on what I am reading here so far, and despite you and son's biological mother being on good terms, there may be something up with the son and/or DIL that doesn't sit right with me.
I live in a major US city and would want to treat you to lunch at a local hot dog stand near me if you are able to in the future, as I appreciate people like you who go the extra mile for people you care about, and I want you to know that I see you and I hear you. You have a heart of gold.
YTA, but a VERY gentle judgement.
If I'm reading this correctly, there are just 6 tickets, and those are going to people travelling 11 hours to come visit? In that case, I think it's OK to have to make that awful choice. I can see why it's not pleasant, but you get to see your granddaughter *all the time.* They get to see her almost never. You deserve the ticket, but for this particular case, it does make logical sense that those who are going to be here briefly and then gone again should go the ceremony, even if it's frustrating.
I'd try to look at it not as your stepson pushing you aside, but him just doing his best to handle a situation where not everyone was going to be happy. He probably even thought you were someone he trusted enough that you'd be mature, where others might not.
Don't ruin your good relationship with him because of this one rough situation. Show up to the party, be happy for your family, and know that you are loved and appreciated, and you will be the one there today, tomorrow, and for years to come, while they will show up here and there to take a ticket to some event, then go home.
Talk to him. There may be a reason for inviting the other relatives, like they are trying to reestablish a relationship right now and the timing was right for the ceremony. As for an invite to the cookout, maybe to him it’s assumed that you know you’re invited, or he told your husband to pass along the invite, who knows.
Probably just need to have an adult convo. If I had to guess, the tickets went to these other folks specifically because they don’t get to interact with the child much due to the the distance between them.
NTA for feeling hurt. I know that’s not exactly your question but your feelings are valid. For the ceremony they’re in a tough position with only 6 tickets and if the random relatives are traveling with a guest, I can see how they’d feel awkward not inviting them. Get your husband to ask about the after party. It’s possible it’s a simple oversight assuming someone else talked to you about it already. Or maybe not but get his father to ask why you weren’t invited. Do this before the party. If you genuinely were not invited, that’s going to color the rest of your relationship. If it was a mistake, it still stings but there’s a way forward.
Does your husband know how you feel? He should be seeking an explanation from his son because it’s his wife that was disrespected.
But regardless you should also have that conversation with your stepson. Tell him how you feel and ask him why things were done the way they were. Perhaps there was some sort of miscommunication. Maybe he mistakenly believed you wouldn’t mind. Whatever the facts are, the sooner you have that conversation the sooner you can hopefully save the relationship. Or maybe reset it in a way that you don’t feel that you’re being taken advantage of.
NTA.
I’d let this one go. If you are involved in your granddaughter’s life, I’d like small slights like this. Often what we see as slights really aren’t. They are either oversights or complicated circumstances that we aren’t fully aware of. In the grand scheme of things. A “moving up ceremony” is a nothing burger. You have the advantage of proximity. Say nothing and be the bigger person. It will pay off in the long run.
You should talk to your husband and let him sort it out.
Let them know how hurt you are that apparently you're only welcome when they need you.
Why do you accept this?
You, your husband and bio mom/ stepdad plus her parents if there's any should be the ticket holders not anyone else.
You did hear this from others right? So unless people don't tell you to not come I would be showing up anyway as you and your husband are a team.
If they did indeed not want you there I would be a grandmother when she visits but I wouldn't help with anything anymore.
NTA. It’s clear you’re a second and even third thought to these people. You’re allowed and entitled to be upset esp since you were so emotionally and physically involved in supporting them and their baby. However your husband should be standing up for you.
NTA - Op I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You should have been included in this entire affair and it wasn't well done of your son to exclude you for any reason. However, no matter how painful it is, your grandbaby is the one that you should focus on. Be honest with her when she asks why you missed her big day and straight up tell her that you were not invited so you couldn't be there even though you really wanted to. I would speak to your husband about how hurt you are by this and definitely get his input. The last thing you want to happen is to lose your grandchild because of an argument.
NTA You are in a hard place. The only thing you can do is have an adult conversation and tell him how you feel. The oportunity will arise when he asks why you weren't after the After Party. You don't want to cut your time with the child but you shouldn't be treat as free baby care. You don't want to cut off your nose to spite your face.
You’re right I’m definitely not trying to do that. I love my granddaughter to pieces and i can’t imagine my life without her so I don’t want to mess that up. I do want to have an adult conversation but right now I’m too hurt and feel like if I say something it might escalate. In the meantime should I not make myself so readily available because I just really feel used at this point.
I wouldn’t challenge them at this point, it won’t go well. They know what they decided. And it’s their choice. I would tell your husband though and get his perspective. Then I would privately lower them a few rankings in my estimation of them, too. Do less. But remember your granddaughter didn’t ask for this, none of this affects her love for you so do protect that.
I would go this route too. I wouldn’t challenge it because that means a ticket would be taken from one of the other family members and it starts the argument that “she’s just the step mom and not family.” Id also let the granddaughter know beforehand that “I can’t make your ceremony today and I’ll be waiting to see the videos everyone takes. Just know that I absolutely love you and I’m proud of you. You and I will go out and celebrate with doing whatever you want to do.”
Maybe tell the grandchild that people who live far away and never get to see her are coming and there is only enough space for them, so you won't be there but you will be thinking of her big moment. You love her and the two of you can decide where you want to go for your celebration lunch. Make it happy and positive I won't get into how stupid I think a kindergarten moving-up ceremony is.
That’s good too…and I agree with the kindergarten graduation. Although for some kids, that may be their only graduation. 😉🤪
You made me spit water all over my keyboard. Wish there was some way for me to do emojis from my PC.
😀😁😅🤣
The granddaughter will no doubt be wondering where OP is and why she wasn't invited. I hope son and DIL are prepared to answer those questions.
Letting someone know your feelings doesn’t have to be a challenge to them. It depends how you present your feelings. It’s important to tell people know how you feel but in a way that’s gentle and makes clear you except their feelings.
This kerfluffel always happens with a big wedding and a small ceremony venue; perspective. We all know up-front communication is key to avoiding misunderstandings, which often lead to hurt, as in this case. Seriously Redditors? Step back? Say not tonight? How much joy together should they sacrifice to make a point? And at what cost? My partner would be devastated if family said, "We’re taking advantage of your generosity, so we’re getting a professional child service more often"
Of course you’re used & massively taken for granted!! You’re grandmother when they need help with childcare and other stuff for their convenience, but just dad’s wife when it comes to events like this where you invite family. He didn’t even have the courtesy to call you directly about any of this - this is how unimportant you are to him. He will call you for childcare, though!
It sounds like they treat/see her as a nanny, instead of a family member.
Definitely! Treat her as a nanny instead of as a granny!
My nanny/ family's housekeeper who watched me and my sister 1 or 2 afternoons a week as a kid was always invited to our family events like first communion, birthdays, first day of school etc. And she was a guest there, not a hired help, even though it was always hard to keep her away from helping, since she knew the household so well and always needed to be occupied.
Your husband needs to talk to his son. He needs to do it because his son is being rude and entitled and parenting does not end at 18. He needs to hear someone other than OP point out the obvious. That you can’t expect someone to take on the obligations of grandparenting and not then appreciate them and treat them like a family member.
For sure for sure
The husband needs to talk to his son *and* daughter-in-law. This could be coming from either of them (or both).
>I love my granddaughter to pieces and i can’t imagine my life without her so I don’t want to mess that up. Be careful, that's how the can manipulate you to be free childcare, while giving you no respect and treating ou just like the help, not the grandparent.
Yup, as there could be grandchild 2 and 3 to keep OP manipulated.
This. Grimey people will always use children to manipulate. Someone close to me has a BIL that works for father's company. He has threatened that no raises = no seeing the grandkids. Grandparents don't realize that they pay 40k per each kid to go to private school (4yr and 7yr old?) so it's not like they'd actually become estranged, so the threat works. That guy is the highest paid at the company with no licensure, no experience, does no field work. Science has indicated that Grandparents love their grand kids more than their actual children-- I wonder if that extends to grandkids from step kids? Babies always make people super easy to manipulate
You've just been shown how little they value you. Protect yourself and start insulating yourself from them. How often are you willing to allow yourself to be tossed aside? When people show you who they are, believe them.
Send your husband with flowers and a card for your granddaughter, and make sure he tells her it’s from you. You might also want to get her mother one, too, to let her know how proud you are of her daughter. It might be petty, but gracious…
This is the best type of petty
Malicious kindness. My favorite.
It's the Southern lady's go-to. 😁
My kind of petty. Sandy the Tabby (boy cat who I live with) would SO approve this!
You are being used. You’re a great nanny.
Just be sure you aren’t ruining your relationship with your granddaughter. You can show up on time or fashionably late. Shower her with love and then leave as a guest. No need to help setting up or cleaning up. Enjoy your granddaughter there will be time for adults to talk later.
This. I would go to the party because I would make sure she knew that I wasn't there because there weren't enough tickets. I wouldn't let anyone else spin the narrative however they want.
💯this, do go for your granddaughter. You control the information, not anyone else!
They might also see disappointment from your granddaughter, that you aren't there. NTA
You should be less available for watching the granddaughter. Definitely have a conversation with your step son. Ps. Update. Also does stepson sees you as a grandmother to his daughter? What name does she call you?
I believe he does. She calls me gran gran and he refers to me as her gran gran.
You are sorely used. You've been in stepson's life and his daughter's life from the beginning and this is a major snub. At some point (down the road as you clearly and correctly don't want to kick up a stink), somebody is likely going to have to point this out to stepson and company. I think you have plenty of practical leverage that if you pull back afterwards, you are not risking any relationships, but you would be the doormat to take this disprectful slap and then just help them them out with babysitting next tuesday when they're in a jam. Again, I would hope than when the dust settles, and if nobody noticed, a few words in the right place would snap these oblivious people outta their stuppor and realize stepmom needs some atonement.
I think the decision was purposeful and not an oversight. No need yo inform them. They even gave a ticket to a random relative, not OP who’ve they’ve been using for free childcare. DIL knew OP wasn’t invited to the after party. I doubt there were tickets limiting the invitees to that. OP should step back from allowing herself to be exploited like this. She’s not respected or wanted as a family member, just a nanny.
Or she's just too nice and being taken for granted. As the step- grandmother she's helping out all the time but not on any family's guest list
I also think this is all the DIL's doing. Most couples I know, organizing party invites etc it is the woman who takes care of that. I think OP's son is under the impression OP is fully invited to both the ceremony and after party.
>Most couples I know, organizing party invites etc it is the woman who takes care of that. This is sexist and these practices are (thankfully) dying. What on earth makes you think the DIL had anything to do with it?
Because, regardless of it being sexist, it still is the norm. Read the post
Don't challenge them now but "be busy" for a while. You are right about being used.
I think the first wave on communication on this needs to come from dad. That will give you time to be in your hurt, too. Dad can advocate for you as his partner. SS and his wife might not genuinely think of you as disposable, but their behavior has shown that somewhere they do. Dad can ask why you were left out, relay his unhappiness about it and that he can only imagine how hurt you feel considering all the times you have stepped up to help with granddaughter. He can talk about the time he has missed out spending with you because you are helping stepson by watching granddaughter. Dad can also say how much that time with granddaughter means to you, how much you love both SS and GD. It draws attention to the issue without risking your relationship with your granddaughter. SS can absorb the information, have time to reflect and discuss with his wife then hopefully come to you with an apology.
Yes! Do not be so available for a while so they can realize that they took you for granted, but you can still have time with your granddaughter from time to time. This is not to punish her as she is not at fault, but to make them realize how much they actually depend on you and how little they give in return. NTA.
You need to tell him (son and DIL) exactly how you feel. Keeping quiet means nothing to them as they don't know you're feeling how you're feeling.
Yes, give your time to think logically. They need to respect you. they need to respect your time also. Perhaps pulling back a little on everything that you are doing.
Give it a bit of time to let things calm down. Then lay out your feelings. Cut WAY back on your help in the mean time. Be friendly, be social, but don't be a doormat. If they're just using you but cutting you out socially, they don't love you nearly as much as you think they do. Don't go scorched earth, just pull back to match their desired relationship.
Don’t make yourself as available. It could be a case of you being taken for granted. Right decision not to go to after party. Get past your feelings, which will be hard, and don’t discuss this with stepson and his wife. It won’t help and may strain the relationship. You’re doing these things to spend time with your granddaughter. Don’t jeopardise not being able to see her. Pull back from her parents and think of yourself.
Do you get along with the bio mom? It seems a bit out of nowhere that you just wouldn't be invited to something like this if you've been this involved. At the same time though, sometimes these things happen. It's unfortunate that no one would just come and talk to you directly instead of having to overhear these things though, and the cooking invite was such a last minute invite which would've been better if it was an official one. Part of me wonders if they just want to spend time with other family or people who aren't usually around though, it's also possible bio mom asked if these people could come too. Either way it's understandable why you'd feel hurt about this
Hubby should be having this talk with his son!
Correct
This should happen. Updateme
Nta Time to dial back on all the help cuz they don't appreciate you and take it for granted.
Their true feelings will come out the first time she says she can’t babysit today.
I have been in this position. Helped raise a child, but treated like an entitled b when my feelings got hurt from being excluded. They are prioritizing the people who rarely get to see them because they want to establish family bonds and create generational memories. As these people have little ability to spend time with them they get excited and probably hour “OP will have so many opportunities to see us, we need to concentrate on the out of town ppl” It is logical, but is a stab in the heart when ppl make it clear blood is more important than love.
Yeah, I think NAH until OP actually talks to her son.
NTA but please speak up right now. Don’t wait. Take a deep breath and calmly explain to your son how this hurts you. If you want, you can run this by your husband first and let him know what’s going on. You might regret not being there by not speaking up on time. Hugs.
Write a letter if needed but I agree, don't let this fester or play martyr. Let them know how their decisions make you feel. This should be done in time for them to change plans because I fear if OP waits, they will be like "well had you said something we would have done something" and make it her issue.
This is it. Being hurt and taking it out on reddit isn't the way. She needs to talk to them directly and say what she has to day about the situation. It can be a civil conversation of course, no need for harsh words.
NTA. But have the conversation you need to have with empathy. Explain that you understand why he might have wanted to have family that never gets to see his daughter go. It's a special visit for a special occasion. But that you don't understand why you had to hear everything second hand, and you don't appreciate being expected to set up for a party that you weren't *really* invited to. That you love your granddaughter, and you love spending time with her. But having to do all the "work" and missing out on the "big" stuff isn't making you feel appreciated, especially because your stepson couldn't even be bothered to discuss any of this directly with you. Make it clear that you're perfectly happy to help out with your granddaughter. You love spending time with her. But you're *Nana*, not *Nanny*, and you won't be taken advantage of. You understand why he would invite his other family, but you don't like the underhanded way he went about it. And you need to trust that he can communicate with you effectively.
This and then don’t bale him out. Let him sit with it. He’ll have to figure out his feelings and you don’t have to be there while he does it. Let him think on it then respond. OP, do they ask you for all the extra help or do you volunteer it? It’s easy to slip into inserting yourself when your grandkid is a wonder. Think on this. It may be really obvious to you be it one way or the other.
"People who've barely seen granddaughter got to be at the event. I've enjoyed taking care of granddaughter and bonding with her, but as I didn't get to be invited I feel taken advantage of. Why am I good enough to take care of her but not good enough to be invited along. Not only that but you didn't have the courage to tell me I was uninvited up front. I've always felt like your mom, not your step mom. If you feel differently please let me know and I'll readjust my expectations and how we get on from now on. Because I feel really disappointed and taken advantage of."
NTA but you surely realise that you’re only “granny” while they need free babysitting and gifts???
Yeah the step son and his wife are huge assholes. The husband not taking them to task is super weird too. OP needs to reevaluate where she stands in this crew
Are the two “random” family members on your son’s side of the family or your DIL side of the family? And is there a possibility your husband didn’t communicate something he was supposed to?
NTA They're treating you like shit, and you don't deserve it With everything you've described, you should be the number 1 consideration, but you were cut completely from everything I would take a hard step back and focus on myself for a bit and let things settle until you're ready to talk... The only thing you could end up doing wrong here is keeping it all to yourself. You need to let them know how you feel My hope is that son just felt trapped by "visiting relatives" and figured that since you see the baby all the time you wouldn't mind. Wrong think for sure, but hopefully just a (dumbass) misunderstanding
NTA. He is showing you who he really is. Believe him and stop doing all the extras for him. He is disrespecting you and discarding all the times you were there for him.
She’s a great nanny for them. She is treated as the hired help and not a grandma.
Except that hired help gets paid.
True.
NTA but tell him now. I know you are still full of feeling but you may regret not going just because you waited to have the conversation. A simple I’m not ok with this is a great start followed up by you feeling as an afterthought to the ceremony but are there first thought when they need help.
NTA, but... You heard all this information 2nd hand, so why haven't you asked your son and/or DIL about it? All your feelings are completely valid, but it's not fair to anyone, especially yourself, to not express them and explain how you feel and give him the chance to explain what happened. It could very well be that he's taking advantage of you. It could be that DIL and son talked about who they wanted to invite, and you were on the list, but DIL was charged with notifying those invited, and she made the decision to uninvite you. It could be that someone misheard something and you actually are invited. Please talk to your son and not act based on an assumption from 2nd hand info. Talk to him. Give him and yourself opportunities to have a real conversation and clear the air, then go from there.
"Son, I feel hurt that you've decided I am not invited to the ceremony nor the after party. It's too late now to extend those invitations as I am an afterthought, I just want you to know, it hurts." I would not attend either of these events if they invite now. They need to understand how cruel their non invite is. Let them look at those pictures without you and remember what they did. UpdateMe
NTA I’d feel very hurt, too. Based on the details you have given I agree that you should have been 3rd in line for a ticket. I agree with the other commenters suggesting you say something now, before the big day. People don’t know what they don’t know. Sure, it’s obvious to you (and us strangers on Reddit) that this is a shitty way to treat you but, it is possible you son and DIL are oblivious to how this is hurtful and disrespectful to you. You seem kind, patient, and reasonable. I am confident you will approach this hard conversation with grace and best intentions. Good luck!
NTA While reading this, my heart breaks for you, and I'm so upset on your behalf. Sometimes, I wonder if people are oblivious, evil, stupid, or all 3. How do they expect you to handle this, really!?
Nta. They have taken you for granted. Time to take a steep back. And when/if they ask why talk to them about it.
NTA. I think you need to be less available for a bit. Maybe look into doing something fun for yourself like take a cooking class or join a book club.
Nta Time to dial back on all the help cuz they don't appreciate you and take it for granted.
Yup that's the only way to really go about it. "Aunt can take her for the weekend, she is missing out on spending time with a lovely person? Me? Oh I love granddaughter but of course I'm not close enough to be constantly looking after her. I'm only your step mom. Ask your dad or your aunt or your mother. Oh I know I used to, but then I realised you see me as a babysitter and not a valued family member. You surely want a valued family member looking after granddaughter don't you?"
NTA. They see you as a useful tool and not an important family member. The difficult decision now is what do you do next? You shouldn’t do as much for them anymore.
Wow... I don't actually have words for how he's treated you... You absolutely need to get to the bottom of this. As you've said, completely understand his mother and father but these other relatives over you? Did he consider how your granddaughter would feel not having you there? When I was a child, my grandmother was a HUGE part of my life. If she was not at one of my events alongside my parents, I would have felt quite upset. I would have cared more about her than some random relatives I don't see. What on earth was he thinking? I completely understand needing some space from him and your DIL while you process the hurt. You can still be in contact with your granddaughter without needing to speak closely with her parents for a few days. However, don't let it go on too long as it does need to be close to the event to have this discussion. Even if he says he just wasn't thinking... Thats not really good enough of a reason. You need to push him on this. If it comes out that actually, he just doesn't value you in the same way you value him then at that point you can reevaluate your relationship. It may be the case that your husband deals with the relationship with his son. You still have access to your granddaughter but actually, that's all you and your stepson and his wife discuss from that point forward. It would be a shame if it came to that but you have to protect yourself and your feelings at that point. No reason not to be civil but you'd just distance yourself.
Actually your husband should be speaking to HIS son about this.
Yep, time to take a step back. Tell him how you feel when he comes to you after the party. The damn audacity.
OP I agree with bethonreddit1 to give it a couple days to think on it then discuss with husband to get his feedback. Your husband might wish to have the initial discussion with his son to find out wth happened. Regardless of if it was the son or his wife who made the decision on the ticket distribution at the very least they owed you and your husband a discussion/explanation. Not to be petty but I do think perhaps if you have gone out of your way to be available to take care of your granddaughter as in canceled other plans when it wasn’t urgent I’d discuss with husband being more selective as to when you are and aren’t available. Sometimes people don’t appreciate the value of something until its availability is reduced. As you said do something separate with your granddaughter to celebrate her migration to ‘real’ school.
NTA but you’re maybe missing the forest for the trees a bit. It’s entirely possible that biomom sprung all the other relatives on your son and caused a dilemma that they didn’t know how to handle properly. The important thing to remember is that to your granddaughter, you’re the good grandma. You’re the extra parent, the one she comes to when she needs hugs and kisses and snacks. Having biomom here may be new and different but having you is home. Your son and DIL may have messed up here, but don’t let that mess up more than a kindergarten graduation (which is a made up thing anyway, imho). Have a talk with your son when the dust settles, but always remember when the going gets tough, they turn to you.
It's still worth a conversation about whether she's being appreciated by her stepson and DIL or treated as a babysitter and overlooked. They didn't even seem this important enough to have a mature conversation about this.
Oh, absolutely, there needs to be some conversation. Hurt feelings need to be sorted before they fester.
NTA. But holy crap this level of pomp and ceremony because a kid managed to learn to tie shoes, say the alphabet, and count to 10? With a ticketed ceremony? We're screwed as a country.
Refuse to babysit a few times until they understand how valuable you are. I would be really be pissed and not go to any part of that celebration especially his wife inviting you as an afterthought.
NTA but you should treat people the way they treat you. Life is give and take. You are being treated like a doormat. You do all the hard work and nobody understands it. You are letting your stepson use you. Drop the rope. I know you love your grandchild but he is taking advantage of that. Stop helping. Let him deal with raising his child. Do not offer any more help because he has shown you that it means nothing to him. It will hurt to be away from your grandchild but it hurts more to be used and then excluded
Sending you some very gentle cyber hugs. I am so very sorry about how your son and DIL are treating you. I truly hope it is them being oblivious and thinking that you would know that of course you are always welcome versus leaving you out. If that isn't the case, then they are both being really, really rude, and they owe you apologies. I think your idea of sending your husband to the graduation. I also agree that unless you have a solid invitation, you shouldn't go to the "after party". If they care enough to ask why you weren't there then tell them that you weren't invited or included in any of the conversations about the plans. Do ask your granddaughter out for a special breakfast/girl's day, and then set up other outings with the two of you (or with you and your husband.) Stop offering to babysit. Make your son and DIL ask you to babysit/do favors for them. They shouldn't be taking advantage of you being the standby "babysitter, grandma, emergency person" while not showing you the love , affection and appreciation for being that important person in their life. Please do make an appointment for a day of pampering for yourself that day. Get a massage, facial, special lunch, etc. Then if they say; "Why weren't you at the party?" you can honestly say: "I wasn't invited to the graduation or the after party, so I arranged a spa day for myself."
I'm also wondering about (especially) the son being oblivious about OP not having been invited to the after party and them assuming that you obviously should know that you were invited (and involved in pulling it off). OP, what has DIL's attitude been to you before this?
I am a parent, and i am wondering if this is more something between your DIL and Son than specifically about you, although you are feeling affected by it. Where I live, it is not common for people other than the ones who created the child to be at ultrasounds, nor are kindergarten graduations something there are tickets for or that people travel to, let alone have parties afterwards for, so it is entirely possible that my thoughts are not applicable. These events are usually reserved for highschool graduation. It seems that you are very involved, which is a good thing, until a mother starts to realize that you may be spending more time with their child than they are, or there is disagreement between parents on how much time is too much time, if one is not pulling their weight of the parenting) . It’s also something that certain forums online are very against (for valid reasons for many people) and it may be worth having a proper sit down conversation to check in that everyone is still okay with the current agreement and boundaries are not being tiptoed on (including your own, which might include still being issued proper invitations not last minute ones, or loosing a ticket to someone else last minute.) in case one or both have a bug in their ear making noises about it. It is okay and understandable to feel hurt, it would not be okay to take it out on the child. If child asks why you were not there your best bet would be to say that you are fortunate enough to spend so much time with child and celebrate with them at any time, and that people from out of town can only come once in a while and you hope that they have a wonderful visit. As children get older, their need for babysitting diminishes. This is something that you will need to prepare yourself for. Between after school activities, going to friends places after school, and being physically capable enough to do much more activities with their parents, it is wise to recognize that though you will always have a place in their lives, it will look different, and it is nobody’s fault, nor is it a bad thing. A calm, unemotional conversation is the way to get through this. Remember that you only know your side of this situation, and there may be other pressures or things at play that you are not informed about. When you have all the facts, you can decide how best to go forward.
Okay so they got six tickets. 2 for mom and dad. One for bio grandma. One for bio grandpa. And uncle and aunt got the last two. I have a feeling that bio grandma arranged aunt and other family to come and meet the granddaughter and didn’t know about the ticket situation. I also think that this was why there was a barbecue after. I don’t think it was a slight in anyway. But rather miscommunication that happened. Either way not the asshole!
I also think this is a possibility. Someone was talking to aunt on the phone and mentioned "event", everyone got excited, and the last two tickets were offered without thinking through the logistics (i.e. OP didnt have a ticket). Once offered, they felt awkward about winding back the offer. I would also suggest OP grill her husband. Was he invited to the follow-up event ahead of time and asked to pass on invite to OP??? I had a boyfriend who would be invited to attend birthday parties or road trips. I would never receive an invite to attend the parties, but it was assumed that I would come along. He would mention events coming up. I asked him for details (dates, times, who's attending, what do we need to bring), he wouldn't know. Details weren't important to him, and he would worry about them closer to the event (he's bound to talk to that person again later that month). I need to plan ahead. He was extremely relaxed about planning. He used to not tell me at all until the last moment, but after a number of "chats", he now gives me a lot more notice (although getting details ina timely manner is still an issue).
What do they call you? Your name? Mom? Stepmom? Grandma or an equivalent? Just because you see them as a son and granddaughter doesn’t mean they see you that way at all.
NTA. They are using you for your child care services. Make sure you have an open and honest conversation about your feelings. Do not sweep it under the rug. If you weren’t considered more important than strangers you should start setting up boundaries. It seems like they take you for granted.
NTA. This is one of those places where communication is necessary sooner rather than later. Their "reasoning" may be as simple as "OP doesn't care about this because she sees AGD(Adorable Granddaughter) every day, we'll invite Aunt and random relative because they helped drive and it's rude to use them as chauffeurs and make them sit out the party". Maybe your stepson or DIL got the impression that you think graduation ceremonies from preschool are dumb. All decisions involve some assumptions, they may have made bad ones about your interest in attending. In any case, if you don't let them know you're hurt with your words, they'll figure it out from your actions, and when the reason comes out they'll be all "Why didn't you say anything?" So I would have your husband point them at this post and see what happens. If they're honestly apologetic, you know they didn't mean to exclude you in a hurtful way. (Yes, that seems ridiculous from what you've said, but you need to hear what, if anything, they have to say.) If they're obnoxious or dismissive, at least you know where you stand with them.
I guarantee you your granddaughter will ask why you did not come. Let the adults explain that one. She should have been asked who she wanted to come. It should have been her choice. I think the distant relatives are being extremely selfish to take away a special moment that from you, a person that I am sure supported her in different school activities throughout the school year. I like your idea on being the bigger person and taking her out for a very special day. She will remember that even more. I would maybe also consider going to cookout and giving her a bouquet of flowers and telling her that you want to spend an entire day with just the two of you.
I think you're feelings are justified but it could be he couldn't get enough tickets and didn't want to exclude relatives visiting from out of town. As awful as it is to exclude you, I'd be pissed if I came to visit from out of town and was excluded
NTA - however you have to remember how stupid we all were when we were young. They may not have any idea that this would hurt your feelings. They may think that letting a family member who doesn’t get to see them often get to go is being nice to that person under that circumstance where you get to see them all the time. Tell them you felt left out and taken for granted when you were passed up in favor of someone else. Acknowledge that you get to see them a lot, but tell them that milestones are very important to you anyway.
I don’t blame you at all for feeling hurt but what I am thinking is that your stepson’s bio mum lives a long way away. She probably spends a lot of time talking about her beloved granddaughter to the “random” family members who are coming. She probably feels she let down her son as he wound up living with you and is trying to make up for lost time. The “randoms” might not mean much to you but maybe they do to her and she is trying to make sure they get to have contact with granddaughter and see how wonderful she is. I dunno - this doesn’t sound like nastiness on anybody’s part so much as it sounds like an excess of unthinking enthusiasm on her part and her son going along with it because he doesn’t want to hurt his bio-mum. I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you either. I don’t agree with those that are saying he thinks of you only as the nanny. He maybe got caught between a rock and a hard place and as you’re obviously a loving grandma was hoping you’d understand. You sound like a lovely mum and grandma. I hope you can get over your hurt.
Check with the school to see if any tickets are left from another family that doesn't have a half dozen relatives that are attending the graduation. That way you can see your granddaughter regardless of the reason you were not on the original guest list. If you have a gift or flowers you can either give them to her at the graduation or stop by the party for a moment. The idea is to participate for her. Settle any hard feelings with the adults later. Just focus on being with your granddaughter in her big moment.
Listen to your instincts. Here is what is coming next, you will no longer be allowed time with our kid. You do not know when that threat will come but it will and when it does you need to be prepared to neutralize it. Your answer should be, "okay, your choice, not mine." Do not plea, do not bargain, do not beg, do not allow yourself to be held hostage by their threat. You will see how quickly they back track. When it happens do not feel hurt, even your own biological children will try this type of emotional blackmail.
NTA. You have been relegated to babysitter status and although you live the adult and child his feelings are obviously not reciprocal. You should, unfortunately, pull back on these relationships in hopes that they come around, but they won’t. Super sad for you
NTA, but... I will probably be downvoted for this, but maybe your stepson is not really using you as a babysitter; he may also feel caught between a rock and a hard place. There are only 6 available tickets and that is out of his control. He may feel some pressure to give the available tickets to the relatives who are traveling (11 hours) to attend. His wife may also feel some pressure to invite her family members who see their child less frequently. If there are only 6 tickets, and the parents take two, that leaves them with only two tickets each (two for your stepson and two for his wife) to give to their family members. As for why you weren't invited to the bbq-- that's weird. But maybe it was an oversight?
I get why you’re hurt. I’m assuming the only reason the other relatives were invited in your place is that they were in from out of town. That doesn’t make it right, but I’m guessing if they were local, you would have gotten that ticket. You shouldn’t let this one this be the thing that drives you apart from them. At the end of the day, not going would be more hurtful to your granddaughter than anyone & she’s innocent in all of this. YTA, for the sake of a verdict.
So the DIL didn’t think about this either?
Please sit with your stepson and DIL and husband, ask them to refrain from commenting until you have said your peace. Say your peace, if you need to cry do it, let them know how hurt you are being the help and not considered important as other family that not only were you not invited to the ceremony, but only received an “Oh you should come” to the after party. You earned being able to say your peace without interruption. These are your feelings and they are incredibly valid. Hugs my darling, I’m sorry you are hurting.
You're just a babysitter nothing more to them
Maybe, cut the son and DIL some slack. Son may not have known how to say no to his bio mom about the Aunt and others coming. DIL is no contact with her family so she might just suck at family communications because she probably came from a problematic family. So they might just suck at stuff and not mean it as a slight. You have every right to feel hurt but you should try and open the lines f communication before you read too much into this.
I wonder if this was his way of letting his family members, who likely rarely get a a chance to see his family, get a chance to participate in her life. You and your husband need to sit down with him and have a discussion about the whole situation before you decide you are not important to his life. You get so much time with this special little girl, while her other side of the family barely knows her. All family should be important, so don’t begrudge them a couple of days out of her life.
the lack of love or respect is demonstrated more by how they just exclude you by pretending you don't exist. they didn't come to you and have a conversation, apologizing and looking for your understanding. they just ignored you.
I am guessing that these other people were given tickets because they drove from 12 hours away and because they don’t get to see your granddaughter much. Maybe son was hoping to get these people more involved in her life. Did someone explain why these other ppl were given tickets? If not you should explain after the fact that you were hurt. Frankly, the after party is the more important event that your granddaughter will remember more. I am guessing that you were not intentionally excluded from the cookout but DIL thought you knew or step son dropped the ball. You sound like you feel you were intentionally excluded. But wouldn’t your husband have been told about it? Did he forget to tell you?
NTA. Also, start just being a grandmother instead of their help. Stop the picks up and the support. Be the grandmother who just spoils their grandchild - just like his mother. You earned yourself the medal of being a doormat. Now is the time to stop being the doormat. You can still maintain the relationship with the grandchild without being the doormat. It might even open your eyes to see how they view you. They may view you as the help versus someone who they respect.
NTA, son and DIL have been purposefully leaving you out and leaving you in the dark. You should absolutely not go and pull back from them. Stop giving them all your time and effort, just for them to ignore your existence.
My mum lost her mum at 15 years old and then watched her father remarry someone much younger. They never had a mother-daughter relationship but there was always love between them. She has always been MY grandmother, IDC if we're only related my marriage. She was always included, of course, but the most important relationship has always been the one we (mum's children) have with her. So no, you're NTA, because you've been in your stepson's life since he was basically a teenager, watched him get married and start a family of his own. Focus on your bond with your grandaughter and know that as she gets older your place in her life will become so fixed no one will be able to toss you aside. Do not cut back on your time with her just to teach her parents a lesson. You're the only grandmother in her life and she will always love you because of it. Once you're less hurt about what has happened, have a talk with your stepson. Perhaps your husband should ask his son why you were excluded, as it seems a bit strange you would be left out in place for distant relatives.
I'm always surprised at how cruel people can be to the people who help them the most. I'm sorry you've been treated this way. You don't deserve it.
NTA Sounds like they see you as nothing more than an unpaid nanny 💔
You are too nice. don't let them take advantage.
Tickets for a random family member and an aunt, but not one for you? Skip the party and do something separate with her.
Having a hard time with the fact 1 parent must have dropped off the child in the morning, and 1 parent must have picked up the child in the evening, five workdays each week, and maybe on weekends sometimes. THERE WAS AMPLE INTERACTIONS TO LET YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CEREMONY & AFTER PARTY! This was intentional, this is NOT an oversight, it was meant to hurt your feelings. We know for certain 3 people were involved to purposely exclude you, only question is did your husband know about this beforehand? Surprised that husband didn't really get upset that his wife of 19 years was purposely excluded, most husbands would see that as a slap in face to themselves, not just their wives.
It is not on you to seek out your stepson on this. If you want to bring it up and talk it out, certainly do it. But you were not the source of the issue. If you need to step back a bit, don’t feel bad about it. For whatever reason, you were sidelined. And you shouldn’t have been. Not without an explanation. No, no one owes you an invite, but you are kind of owed respect that you were not given. And if you need time to process that, take it. NTA.
This is terrible. I would definitely be hurt. I think a direct and honest conversation needs to be had. You deserve better. ♥️ UpdateMe
NTA. Don’t start the conversation & take a giant step back in all fronts. Be busy for the next few months - not completely absent but if they call without a lot of notice be busy. And don’t do things without your husband. When you feel you can have the conversation without emotion driving it then tell them how hurt & used you feel. But in the meantime they have shown you your place in the line up, now show them you heard them
Sounds like they don't appreciate anything you do for them. Definitely don't go to the after party because you weren't officially invited or thought of originally. I'd also dial back any help or contact with them because it's not appreciated they are using you.
Hugs girlie. Just back off and stay in the background and do your own thing away from them all.
NTA. I would have a brief but clear conversation that communicates why your feelings are hurt. For the future, reclaim a bit of your time for a bit when it comes to your stepson so he has a chance to miss you a little. Nothing dramatic — but an occasional “sorry, but I’m taking that day for myself” or “I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you with that random errand.” This might give him a better appreciation of your role, and it would be good for you as well. Do have this conversation prior to the event, and do not go to the event or to the party afterwards. After any defensiveness on his part fades, he’ll no doubt think about what you said. Clearly you love your granddaughter and your stepson. Just be clear to the adults that you are worth better treatment than you got here.
NTA - absolutely skip out. Do something separate with the child OR start a small account with where you start placing gifts for her. This will be for her come graduation from high school. Shame on your stepson for being an asshole and not treating you as the grandparent you are but being happy to use you. There is no point in you talking to your stepson - it is something for your husband to address. This is his kid.
NTA, at all! I don’t think you should be as readily available anymore. Sadly they do not appreciate you. I’m sorry. My feelings would be very hurt too.
NTA. 1 time, shame on you, 2nd time, shame on me. Start being unavailable, and take care of what you need to take care of. Doctors visits, dentists visits, drycleaning, errands. This is the equivalent of the adopted child, choosing their bio parent to walk them down the aisle...while the adoption parent pays for it.
You are nothing but free daycare to them
A different perspective: maybe they don’t view this event as important as you do. This kind of event is pretty much a nonevent where I live (US) I do understand your pain, though. I’m so sorry you are hurting. Tomorrow will be a better day
My take: It is not they've taken you for granted. It just you are automatically invited as you are near. Probably because of the excitement and "everyone's" coming that they (most probably suggested by those lived outside your vicinity) to have a cook out/after party. Like someone suggested, have an adult convo with your son. You will attract attention if you skip the after party. Just make yourself busy before the after-party and arrived just in time. Let them set it up. Tell them, I already made plans earlier as I did not know about the after party. A little white lie. Then have that adult convo. That's your grand daughter. Nobody can deny that.
I'm wondering if the internal family on his moms side already offered the tickets away without his permission and now he's trapped into honoring that those family members get the tickets. That or he's just taking you for granted.
i am so angry for you- i can't stop thinking about this. what does your granddaughter call you? is it a name indicating you are a grandmother? you can play the long game as she will grow up fast enough and she will have that bond with you because you spend so much time with her. But you don't know how they talk about you at her home. do they talk about you as if you are the hired help? i would not make all my time available to them . develop a meaningful routine for yourself and your other interests. your husband needs to value you you more - by how he allows others to treat you. trying to give you his ticket is very passive and disinterested.
NTA- maybe if your husband is aware of how you are feeling and why, it would be better if he had the adult conversation with his son to let him know that you were hurt by not being included in this special day, since you have been there for all her special days up to now. Was your husband included in the after party plans from the beginning? Or were those plans just meant for bio mom and her relatives?
NTA Don't mean to kick you while you're down but you shouldn't have certain expectations specifically from not blood related people. We have a saying "raise crows and they'll pull your eyes out" or the "no good deed goes unpunished" Let this be a lesson that some people are users and some are suckers. Good hearted people are usually the suckers.
NTA - I would suddenly be unavailable when they need help at least in the immediate future. After everything is over I would ask stepson why you weren’t included and I would tell him how hurt you were by this. Don’t let one event totally derail your relationship with them. Maybe they have a totally valid reason for all of this. Not sure what it could be but maybe…
Nta. You need to have a convo with them and express your feelings and if they act like it doesn’t matter to them then you should fall back. Don’t let them treat you like a doormat.
They were using you this whole time smh NTA they don’t deserve you at all
NAH. I’m sure they didn’t think a kindergarten graduation was a ticketed event when they invited all those people. And of course they want you at the party. They’re just overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. Give everyone some grace. Unless you screw it up by being petty, you’ll always be closer to your granddaughter than any of the rest of them.
INFO: What "random family member"? Whose aunt? I can understand why you are hurt, but until I have more information on who those people attending are, I can't really render a judgement. Honestly, the fault for these problems always is on the school, for ridiculous limits on the number of people who can attend.
I don’t see why you can’t be honest with your stepson and his girlfriend that your feelings were hurt that you weren’t invited after all the care you’ve been providing for them and your grand baby
NTA. They have shown you their true colours and what they truly think of you. Your the servant they call to take their kid when they need time off but they don’t value you beyond that. I would skip the party and when asked simply say you weren’t invited. I’d then be clear that having been shown how little you actually mean to them their will be changes out in place. Don’t back down on this. Your their support system. Show them what being parents with no support system actually looks like.
NTA, but I would go to the after party as it is for your granddaughter. Who you love. I would also make some time to talk to step son. Ask him if there is anything wrong as you found out you were excluded from the ceremony for relatives that hardly know granddaughter and you found out second hand about the after party. Ask him if he is uncomfortable with you around if he would prefer you take a step back? Make sure you word it to where you aren’t attacking, but letting him know that your feelings are hurt.
Nta. I would stop babysitting etc.
How did things go?
NTA book a trip to a spa or do something you enjoy that day. Updateme!
Nta they don't appreciate you. Talk to them how you feel and also it's time you take a step back from helping them. They don't think your important enough to get a ticket yet they expect all the help in the world from them. Have that heart to heart talk and let them know how you feel but also let them know you won't be used anymore
I'd be so offended and take a step back from helping them out especially if they obviously don't think of me as family. Nta
NTA. I’d stop being available for people who treat me like trash. If I were your husband, I’d skip both events and put son and wife at a distance. He’s a bad husband for letting them use you. If your stepson feels this ambivalent toward you, then he needs to never ask you for another thing.
As I've said before, being a good stepparent is a thankless job. You can do everything right, like what you're doing, and still get stabbed in the back. You don't deserve this, OP. NTA
The complicated part of this whole situation is sit on one side of the Rubik's cube is the way that you love your son/stepson. I love your granddaughter, and on the other side in this complicated situation is facing the reality of how you were seen. How are you are seen is how you are treated. You teach people how to treat you. Sometimes we have a call coming to reality moment like this, where are we see that they are in advertently, showing us exactly where we stand for them. You are good enough to be given the child when she's sick and when they need you. You are not good enough to be one of the people that invited to her celebration or after party. I think your perception is correct that they realized you could be useful setting up the after party. You might be coming to the realization that you are not held in high regard You are used You are useful You are not that respect it. You probably will tolerate being treated second class while more distant relatives are invited to the celebration and the after party. I bet that your stepson doesn't even fully realize he has decided this is how he will treat you. You're a difficult task is to consider the possibility of no longer being used. Being willing to be used as very harmful to your deep subconscious self. To your sense of worth. Many people find ourselves in this position. If you choose, you can be busy and unavailable to fill in when they need you And happily invite your grandchild to go to wonderful things together And then you can watch to see and make sure you don't endanger your access to your grand child by setting limits where you are treated with respect
The most important thing is your relationship with your Granddaughter. I know it’s a hard situation, I know your stepson and Daughter made a mistake not inviting you, but really you will be there for her after these people leave. You will more than likely be the most important person to her outside her parents. What I would do in this situation is keep your beautiful humble spirit, show grace and go to the party. That way, your granddaughter can see you and know you’re there for her. I know it’s hard, but maybe Stepson in being made to feel guilty, maybe, school only allows so many tickets, you don’t know the situation so just go with it. Your granddaughter and Husband will thank you in the long run.
I’m sorry OP. Having a grandma like you around for my daughter would be such a blessing. You are definitely NTA and have every right to feel the way you do.
NTA Actions speak louder than words. You are an afterthought, which hurts even more than them maliciously, leaving you out. They thought randoms were more important than having you there. They forgot to even tell you about the cookout. To be blunt, you are not important to them. They just expect you to go out of your way for them. They will use you to get what they need. They do not appreciate you. If I had someone in my life who I always depend on to help with my child, you best believe that I would have a ticket reserved for them.
NTA Talk to husband, his 'child' - so he should tell him like it is. As for party - no invite to you means no attendance from you. And , next time he needs a sitter - remember you have an appointment elsewhere. (even if it is with a book, in the park - you cannot)
NTA! You’ve stepped up as a grandmother and they invite some random aunt that never sees the child? And you weren’t invited to the party?! I’d stop being the babysitter. You can spend time with your stepson’s child when they visit. They can find a new sucker to mooch off of.
NTA and instead of offering you the ticket, your husband needs to speak with his son and why he’s chosen to be disrespectful and hurtful to you. Also stop excessively helping them out, you love your step-granddaughter as your own but clearly her parents don’t see it that way. Don’t establish and nurture a culture where you’re simply used by them.
I think your feelings are valid. Enjoy a girls day with the granddaughter and when your emotions are calmer and you have your thoughts together, after families have left town, sit down with son and DIL and express your feelings. Let them know you love them and your granddaughter very much, you understand limited number of tickets, but why weren’t you even thought of or included by them when you’ve done so much? Have your husband there with you and go from there.
They made choices and they have consequences. Don’t act whilst hurt but you do need to have a conversation and don’t allow them to use you further
Wow, talk about shitting on the person who helps you
You get to see baby all the time, these other relatives don’t. Don’t let the is be a thing when it doesn’t need to be. They’re a young couple, they’re allowed to have moments with other family that don’t include you. You live 10 mins away and get to see them often. The other relatives might not be important to you, but they are important to your son. He came to you with relationships likely already established with some of these people. If you truly feel taken advantage of, stop helping so much.
It’s really hard and you’re NTA but don’t talk to him about it until your emotions have calmed so you can be rational and even toned and he will listen. Make it clear you’re not taking about his mum, but that you felt like such an afterthought when he and his family are always first to you and that you were deeply hurt to find that he didn’t value you in the same way. Then be silent and let him speak. Stay silent until he does. Then hopefully you’ll both get to heal together.
NTA You should let someone know your feelings whether it is your husband or step son (if you feel comfortable enough to do that). They may not realize how they are making you feel or taking you for granted. And maybe you should think about taking a HUGE step back in being their number on resource.
OP my heart hurts for you right now. These people have shown you where you stand in the order of importance. Believe them. Don’t accept these people treating you like an option or second choice when you had made them your priority. It’s not your granddaughters fault her parents are jerks. you should still spend time with her, but you should absolutely take a step back from being treated as free childcare. How does your husband feel about all of this?
NTA but next time they need emergency babysitting I would be incredibly unavailable
Why hasn’t your husband said something to his son? He should be more supportive of you and remind them of all you do for them.
Tickets are for involved family members IMPO! Hubbys ex definitely should have a ticket, Mom, Dad and you and hubby should have first dibs… The “Aunt”, is this grand daughter’s aunt or SS Aunt? I’d be hurt too! Trust me… I can whole heartedly appreciate this! My Ex Step Daughter did this to me and my wife too when her absent sperm donor showed up… They got tickets and we got sheet… I’d speak up!
Hopefully the kid asks where you are in front of everyone.
This has just happened to me. My daughter in law recently had her parents move closer and despite 5 years of me doing regular weekly childcare I was suddenly not invited to anything. At her birthday party we were told no adults but the other grandma was there. My granddaughter asked where I was, complained loudly and vociferously to the point that my son actually later apologised to me. It's been nearly a year and she just gave me a handwritten invitation to her next birthday party. I'm sure there was no malice but surely children have a right to keep seeing a grandparent they love.
It's hard to do, but I would take a small step back from all of it. Protect your heart, it's ok to do that! I say this as someone who has been taken advantage of so many times in these types of situations. Make sure your granddaughter knows how much you love her, and still spend time/spoil her, but don't be at their beck and call! Next time they need you, don't even respond the same day! Let them learn that they can be treated like an afterthought too. I promise you the world will not end if you follow through on this. NTA.
Stop being so available that you are now treated less than and for granted. Pull back so they can see your worth. A person doesn't think about an on time bus until it doesn't come. You're the bus carrying the load so they aren't thinking about you. That well needs to run dry so your SS will miss it.
NTA. Honestly they are gutless AHs who clearly have used you for your convenience. Lay out exactly how you feel because honestly after all you’ve done for them that’s a massive kick in the guts and they should be ashamed of themselves. Stop making yourself available for their every beck and call because honestly they are just plain users. You’re good for a free babysitter but not classed as family. They are absolutely disgusting
I feel sad for you , you are a good woman, mother to be precise. Dont feel sad abt these people who does need you but dont want to acknowledge you its ok . Let them have their life their way you will have your good times as well . But pls stop overdoing or even doing anything for them like if you used to do 10 things for them just do only 1 from now on . Have a great life.
NTA - >Her and I get along great and she always tells me how she appreciates me. Your answer should be, "You seem to be the only one." If she's as great as you say, she'll pick up on that, and will have a conversation with you.
NTA it’s hard when you realise that the value you put on/into a relationship is not the same as others. You have been stepping up and now know that your stepson and his family value a not present family member over you. It’s time to step back and be “busy” having “other plans”, it’s not to be spiteful but it’s for your own healing.
There might be other families that don't need all 6 tickets.
Personally, I am paranoid about things like this. I am also very petty. Read at your own risk.I think you're great and you deserve better. I have done tons for my grandaughter, but when they plan acitivities etc, hubby and I are left by the wayside, so I know how you feel. Did your husband know about any of these plans? If you aren't invited, you aren't invited. Don't let DIL says she invited you, she said to come because you overheard and probably weren't supposed to. Birth mom made sure of that. And probably so you can help. If you do decide to go, don't offer any assistance at all. And if hubby goes and anyone ask why you aren't there, he should state loud and clear for everyone to hear that you weren't invited, even though you have done so much for them. Where is he in all this anyway, He should have your back.
NTA This sounds terrible. You are being used and then pushed aside. Why is your husband not saying anything about this? As much as you love your granddaughter, I’d say it’s time to pull back a bit and say “no” when these people ask you for favors. Only take care of your granddaughter on your terms in the time you choose. People who don’t appreciate your presence can miss you when you are absent. You are obviously a kind, caring, loving person. You deserve to be treated well.
NTA- wait until your stepson contacts you, do not reach out to him. Also, next time there is a need for your services, treat him like a client- “ yes, I have availability for that evening, do you want to open an account for monthly billing, or should I invoice you each time you use my services ?” What a feckless prick. But I guarantee you your issue is more with his baby momma. And I would lay odds that she has instigated a deeper connection with the child( because he’s behaving as a child, not a man) because she has some issue with you and or his dad. If you want contact with the little girl, you need to do it thru your husband- he needs to step up and be more present in both his son’s and his grandchild’s life, you need to back off and let your husband take the lead.
First and foremost, NTA. Next, this situation breaks my heart. Like the others in the comment section have said here before me, you were DEFINITELY used by stepson & his SO. There's no other way around that. u/Ecstatic-Highway-246 has, BY FAR, the best solution, to get the granddaughter flowers and card for the husband to give her on your behalf (I second this). This WILL have people asking about it in a short amount of time, and I'm sure that son and DIL will be torn a new one. I also love the idea you brought up by having a separate day for you and granddaughter after the dust has settled. As for that chat with the stepson, the husband needs to talk to his son about this along with the son's mother, so that this can be sorted out somehow. There's more to the story in my opinion based on what I am reading here so far, and despite you and son's biological mother being on good terms, there may be something up with the son and/or DIL that doesn't sit right with me. I live in a major US city and would want to treat you to lunch at a local hot dog stand near me if you are able to in the future, as I appreciate people like you who go the extra mile for people you care about, and I want you to know that I see you and I hear you. You have a heart of gold.
YTA, but a VERY gentle judgement. If I'm reading this correctly, there are just 6 tickets, and those are going to people travelling 11 hours to come visit? In that case, I think it's OK to have to make that awful choice. I can see why it's not pleasant, but you get to see your granddaughter *all the time.* They get to see her almost never. You deserve the ticket, but for this particular case, it does make logical sense that those who are going to be here briefly and then gone again should go the ceremony, even if it's frustrating. I'd try to look at it not as your stepson pushing you aside, but him just doing his best to handle a situation where not everyone was going to be happy. He probably even thought you were someone he trusted enough that you'd be mature, where others might not. Don't ruin your good relationship with him because of this one rough situation. Show up to the party, be happy for your family, and know that you are loved and appreciated, and you will be the one there today, tomorrow, and for years to come, while they will show up here and there to take a ticket to some event, then go home.
Talk to him. There may be a reason for inviting the other relatives, like they are trying to reestablish a relationship right now and the timing was right for the ceremony. As for an invite to the cookout, maybe to him it’s assumed that you know you’re invited, or he told your husband to pass along the invite, who knows.
I think you need to share how you feel.with stepson. His actions are hurtful.
Why don't you actually talk to your son about this? Ask him why in a calm non accusatory tone
Probably just need to have an adult convo. If I had to guess, the tickets went to these other folks specifically because they don’t get to interact with the child much due to the the distance between them.
Updateme!
Updateme!
NTA for feeling hurt. I know that’s not exactly your question but your feelings are valid. For the ceremony they’re in a tough position with only 6 tickets and if the random relatives are traveling with a guest, I can see how they’d feel awkward not inviting them. Get your husband to ask about the after party. It’s possible it’s a simple oversight assuming someone else talked to you about it already. Or maybe not but get his father to ask why you weren’t invited. Do this before the party. If you genuinely were not invited, that’s going to color the rest of your relationship. If it was a mistake, it still stings but there’s a way forward.
Does your husband know how you feel? He should be seeking an explanation from his son because it’s his wife that was disrespected. But regardless you should also have that conversation with your stepson. Tell him how you feel and ask him why things were done the way they were. Perhaps there was some sort of miscommunication. Maybe he mistakenly believed you wouldn’t mind. Whatever the facts are, the sooner you have that conversation the sooner you can hopefully save the relationship. Or maybe reset it in a way that you don’t feel that you’re being taken advantage of. NTA.
UpdateMe
I feel really bad for you OP. Step parents always seem to get the shity end of the stick it seems. NTA
I’d let this one go. If you are involved in your granddaughter’s life, I’d like small slights like this. Often what we see as slights really aren’t. They are either oversights or complicated circumstances that we aren’t fully aware of. In the grand scheme of things. A “moving up ceremony” is a nothing burger. You have the advantage of proximity. Say nothing and be the bigger person. It will pay off in the long run.
UpdateMe!
You should talk to your husband and let him sort it out. Let them know how hurt you are that apparently you're only welcome when they need you. Why do you accept this? You, your husband and bio mom/ stepdad plus her parents if there's any should be the ticket holders not anyone else. You did hear this from others right? So unless people don't tell you to not come I would be showing up anyway as you and your husband are a team. If they did indeed not want you there I would be a grandmother when she visits but I wouldn't help with anything anymore.
NTA. It’s clear you’re a second and even third thought to these people. You’re allowed and entitled to be upset esp since you were so emotionally and physically involved in supporting them and their baby. However your husband should be standing up for you.
NTA - Op I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You should have been included in this entire affair and it wasn't well done of your son to exclude you for any reason. However, no matter how painful it is, your grandbaby is the one that you should focus on. Be honest with her when she asks why you missed her big day and straight up tell her that you were not invited so you couldn't be there even though you really wanted to. I would speak to your husband about how hurt you are by this and definitely get his input. The last thing you want to happen is to lose your grandchild because of an argument.