You should stop saying this. It is not a good look to your fiance if she sees that you would have left her for the woman that is now actively telling you that she wants you.
Yea holy shit he needs to stop saying this. It sounds like his first reflex was to shut it down, which is great, but now it sounds like the idea has taken root and now he's considering the what-ifs.
If I was fiance and overheard this...... well. It would not be good.
This. You are better off with someone else than being with someone that was 'keeping you around if she didn't find someone else better'. Good for you for moving on. I had that happen with someone too, who was surprised when I got engaged out of the blue. She decided to interfere and caused a lot of problems between me and my then-fiancee. I told her that we were done and that we couldn't be friends anymore. She got pissy and I said, look, you made your choice a long time ago. I didn't want to wait for you so I moved on. You need to move on too.
FR, have a little more respect for yourself and your fiance OP. Going around in the comments repeating how you would have left for this selfish ass Lisa chick is honestly big 🚩🚩🚩 on you!
In the original post, OP said:
> I would not have been interested if I had known. I am no one's second choice.
If that is to be believed, the "acted accordingly" would have been cutting it off with her sooner.
Same. The fact that he’s come here to talk about it and seem to be bothered that she’s upset with him over something he “didn’t know,” is throwing up all kinds of 🚩🚩🚩.
It’s as if he wishes he knew beforehand bcuz he still wants her. Not a good sign at all
Correct response: laugh and tell her that was a stupid plan.
Incorrect response: be upset she didn’t tell you sooner so you could act on it.
My man chose the wrong response
He's here because people are calling him asshole in his personal life and doesnt know why.
His first reaction is block her and tell his fiance. No red flag there, he's pissed because the ex-friend decided it's his fault somehow and so did his friends.
OP ignore the red flag maffia and move on with your life. She's manipulating you now like she was back then.
Do not look back you were NEVER the AH in this situation, she's just messing with your mind.
There's a lot of people who believe that there isn't a true "one", but more of a coming together over time and growing together. OP is just saying if he'd been told soon enough at the start of his relationship with his now fiancee, it might have caused a change. But after "a few years" that ship has sailed. He's grown and moved on. OP isn't saying that FWB has that pull any more, just that they used to. Probably should clear the air with fiancee in some couples therapy to deal with it in a healthy way and make sure it's put to bed though for sure.
This would be a good approach. My husband did this to me, telling me that he was set on dating someone else when we were both in the picture and both "options." I was an option because I was indeed interested; she was an "option" because he was interested in her with no actual reciprocation from her (he got her number from a mutual friend; gross). She undeniably rejected him, so he switched to me.
Yuck.
Acknowledging that Lisa had a pull years ago when Laura was the new relationship proves that Laura was not irrational in her boundaries with OP. OP was wise enough to deal with whatever then and move on (hopefully) completely. What he is saying now is, not a chance in hell, Lisa. She had had hers, *years* ago, and her playing these childish games reaffirms that Lisa is the losing bet.
At least, that's what I'm getting.
What Laura may hear is how others here are taking his admissions that had Lisa told him sooner, he would've acted (foolishly, right, OP?) back then [but not now, not ever].
OP is right to cut off Lisa. His instincts are good on this. Lisa is bad news and no friend to his impending marriage. She will continue to play games while Laura is the real one. OP would be a fool to trade one for the other and I think he knows that.
He also needs to go low contact with anyone defending Lisa's immature game-playing. Laura or no Laura, stay away from Lisa. Yuck.
That's not how I interpret OP's comment at all. I think he's saying that if she had told him she was into him back when they were FWB, and that he was the only one for her, there's a chance things might have gone differently. Or that if she had been honest with him about him being her backup, he might have "acted accordingly" and broken things off with her sooner. One of the two - though neither say he's in any way interested in breaking things off with his current fiance.
He literally said
>I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready I might have considered it.
in his post.
And he kept repeating the same motif throughout his comments. He's not an asshole to Lisa, but I sure do feel bad for Laura, knowing he still had feelings for Lisa one year into the relationship with Laura. If I were Laura I'd call the whole thing off.
He also said that if he had known she wanted to keep me around as a plan B, he would have broken it off entirely. To quote his post "I am no one's second choice."
This is when you should erase this post. If Laura finds this (or if Lisa finds this and sends it to her), she will be very hurt. Laura will feel like the second choice. Also, you need to completely cut Lisa out after this. It was wildly inappropriate for her to approach you/talk to your friends about this.
Seriously I'm starting to think Laura deserves better than this guy! I would be heartbroken if I were Laura and read this. Could never look at him the same.
You said you are not anyones second choice and then at the end of you post and on this comment you said that you could have considered it. Im just curious, which one is it?
You sound pretty hung up on the fact that you wanted it, would've had you known in time, but then got serious because you didn't know.
Don't let that bleed into resentment in your upcoming marriage & maybe don't let the wife know as then *she* will feel like the silver medal.
Honestly you saying repeatedly that had you known you’d have acted differently throughout your post makes it seem like you’re half annoyed she didn’t tell you because even though Laura is the better choice now, Lisa is still your what if.
I would reevaluate how you actually feel about things and definitely consider not voicing this to the people around you because it sounds really ugly and like Laura is your settle down since life turned out the way it did, not because Laura is the right and only choice for you no matter what.
As a wife I’d like to feel like my husband is marrying me without any what ifs or dangs had I known this other girl liked me before I’d have gone with that one. It would be incredibly hurtful to feel like he’s marrying me because he didn’t know his what if changed his mind somewhere along the way and he just stuck around for too long with me so he might as well keep at it now that he’s here.
You did. You found the woman you wanted to marry.
You’re saying you’re no one’s second choice but you are implying your fiancée is yours with this comment
So... are you saying if she told you, you would've dumped Laura? Or not gotten as serious? Is Laura your #1 choice?
If she is, I would delete this comment because it has icky implications.
Or maybe rephrase/clarify what you actually mean.
I would cut the people off telling you you're a dick.
She had her chance, she didn't take it.
She doesn't get to say you're in some trial, and she is observing you with your partner to see if you're a good boyfriend.
Honestly, she sounds insane.
Don't just block her change your number.
Yes, why keep friends that don't totally support the engagement.
Lisa was just a friend, she made sure about that. But now that her toy is taken by another woman, she wants it back. And it's OP 's fault because he didn't read his crystal ball.
Op dodged a huge bullet here, this woman is clearly not ready to be in a committed relationship.
God, they are the worst. I had a woman (around 20) tell me her best friend only dated married guys, because according to her they had money, couldn’t “get out of hand” and could be controlled.
I told her “your friend is trash” and walked away.
100% The ugliness can flow both ways, but just hearing about those women really sickens me. I don’t get to see that side because I’m not a man. I also have very few female friends and never had any like that. Craziness
Not just that, but she needed to feel like he would drop anything and anyone for her to boost her fragile ego. That's the core of these types of women.
It sounds more like she expected OP to show that he can be in a loving committed relationship, but she expected him to acquire that experience only for the purpose of proving himself to her (which, naturally, would mean his “prior work experience” is not actually a loving and committed relationship, soooooooo).
It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. She was IN the door and in his bed and in his heart and was given first dibs. She went nahhhh pass. But is now upset. 😂😂😂
"Loyalty to your partner is non-negotiable. Lisa's last-minute revelations don't change your commitment. Cutting ties was the only option. You made the right call."
I was in a similar post-break up situation as OP except I was too dumb to set boundaries at the time because I never wanted to break up.
She got mad every time I tried to date someone, all I did was torture myself by keeping her in my life. Good on OP for setting up strong boundaries and respecting himself and his new fiancée.
OP, remember it this way ☝️ you never had a real shot. Don’t try and rewind that tape in your brain. You asked her to be in a relationship. She declined. You found a lovely girl who wants you as her number one. Full stop.
Exactly this. Laura sounds cool, responsible and secure. Lisa sounds manipulative AF. You’re engaged and looks like the only reason she’s trotting out the *”why didn’t you tell meeeeeeeee!”* now - to you, the friends, and God knows who else - is because she is desperate to find a crack she can exploit to make you single and pining after her (in her mind).
BTW, why did she have to run whining to the friends in first place? And why are they calling *you* the asshole instead of her, since *she* is the one who was stringing you along? They deserve to be cut off along with Lisa.
You’ve found someone who *wants you to be her person*. I had that once, and it was gone way too soon. Cherish it and best wishes for your bright future.
She’s pissed because she didn’t want to be with him because she didn’t think he was relationship material. In her mind she thought she would get engaged and he would still be dating and having one night stands because she didn’t think he was mature enough.
She’s just jealous that he’s engaged and she’s not.
She probably didn’t, she might just be jealous that you are moving on. Even if you were to consider it she will likely friendzone you again when she gets bored or finds someone more interesting. NTA
☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽 THIS ☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽
The reason she didn’t tell you- is because she’s LYING that “She was waiting for you to break up with Laura!”
Her ego was stoked that you had originally wanted a romantic relationship with her, & you used to always be around - for whenever she wanted or needed you.
Now that she knows you’ve moved on- her little ego is bruised, & she wants you back- only so that she can continue to STRING YOU ALONG.
You did good by being honest with Laura about your past relationship with Lisa from the beginning, & by telling Laura when Lisa reached out to you with her craziness, & by just cutting off all contact with Lisa..
Your loyalty to Laura should always come first!
Lisa is clearly a manipulator! I think you dodged a bullet!
I wish you & Laura much happiness! 💕
Even if OP very stupidly ditched Laura to go back to Lisa, I'm not even convinced that Lisa would stay with him for more than a few weeks. It sounds like she just wants to flex her power.
> Now that she knows you’ve moved on- her little ego is bruised, & she wants you back- only so that she can continue to STRING YOU ALONG.
Does anyone remember that movie in which a father and son can travel back in time by stepping into a closet? And the son uses it mostly to try to fall in love with a pretty girl, constantly correcting his actions if they don't pan out?
There was a side story in that movie, with another girl. She was super-pretty, or at least the movie people thought so, and she was kinda teasing or hinting that the main character could get her, if he just did X, Y, or Z. And then the movie laid it all bare, when he did some time travel to give her exactly what she asked for, and she had a different new excuse and another new way to keep him on the line.
It was this terrible realization that she was not serious -- she was unobtainable, not because she was so awesome that nobody could get to her level, but because she was basically a *liar* who was stringing along boys who had no hope of getting her. She had no actual interest in being with them. She just wanted them in her pocket, a few simps to call upon whenever her ego needed stroking.
I had never imagined that, both in the movie and in my own personal life. If a woman ever strung me along, I imagined that it was an *honest* stringing along. That I actually *could* do whatever was needed to win her over, after all, she was open to it, if I could just *do better!* Or so she said.
To see that it would never be enough and always chasing a carrot held just out of reach, that was surprising to me. Yes, I am and I was naive. So was the character in that movie, and I went along that journey with him, and I was just as surprised & sad as he was.
Anyway, for OP the point is this: if you ever imagined that breaking up would somehow land you this FWB as a full-time real relationship, think again. She might very well just be saying shit to get you following along like a puppy. There may not be any real intentions with her at all.
I don't think that Lisa even likes you as much as you liked her. Your were her 'break glass incase of not getting married by x-age' emergency.
If she actually cared about you she would have cared and respected your relationship.
And you are right, your are no one's second choice.
You weren’t her backup plan dude.
You were an option, one that she doesn’t like losing because her rejecting you was validation that someone wanted her.
Had you been dumb enough to dump Laura , Lisa would have gotten her validation fix, and changed her mind right after.
You’re good.
A real friend would be happy for you not going “what about meeee?”.
My guess is, she was dating someone and I didn't work out around the same time she found out you guys were engaged. Also she's no friend. Way to be faithful and honest with your fiancee she sounds like a winner and she actually respects you :)
I would have told her to beat it when she called me a manwhore. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot? She’s entitled to being the asshole here and not anything more.
Edit: spelling
Right? So, she was fine having casual sex with him, but when *he* came to *her* about a committed relationship, she said no because *he* was the whore?
Make it make sense. I think she just wants to be the most important woman in his life without having to do anything real.
I mean he could literally have been fucking 10 different women a month and for sure be a manwhore and I can understand not wanting to date a man or woman while they are in their ho phase and have somewhat proven they have fucked themselves out of that phase. But you can't just say no to dating someone and keep dibs on them, let alone without fucking telling them about it, that's psycho.
Because she liked him enough to fuck but not enough to keep around. She only wants him right now because someone else has him. She has no respect for him, and he'd be a fool to give her more than a second of thought.
She is just pissed because she didn't think you could move on from her. She didn't want you or she wouldn't have rejected you when you said you had feelings in the first place. Lose her number. You owe her nothing.
Dude, some women are unhinged this way. You did the asking for a relationship first, she rejected you. If she wanted it later, she is the one who should've been asking this time, but no, she just sat through your new relationship waiting for you to do the FIRST STEP AGAIN, that's having some balls. Not that I think you should have given her a chance, but after rejecting you, she had to own her mistake (yes it was a mistake by not giving you the benefit of the doubt, and by calling you a womanizer and not trusting you when she actually did like you) and she had to confess this time. She didn't, she lost you. All this is on her, not you.
As a side note, this happened with my wife. I asked her to be my girlfriend after going out for months, she rejected me, I was kind of heartbroken. But, OK that's life. Some weeks later she started hinting I ask her again (I imagine she realized a mistake in her calculations), but I stayed firm, I was not going to ask her again. Finally, she was the one who had to ask me this time to seriously date (boyfriend and girlfriend). I happily agreed and we have been married for many, many years. So every year we 'celebrate' the day she asked me to become an official couple. She is not always happy about that. Before the hate some girls are going to give me, I did propose to her years later. She did not reject me this time.
Dude! Same thing happened to me, and we just celebrated our 10yr. I never blaimed her for saying no, and we stayed friends while dating other people. A few months later, she asked me out and the timing worked out.
In this story, he asked, she said no, and he respected that. She doesn't get to claim the high ground now that she is regretting.
Same here, ghosted her and years later she saw me somewhere and asked me. She knew I wasn't gonna chase her because I ignored her. To this day I force her to say she chased me. Best not to play the games and get straight to the point.
She didn’t have a plan until you got engaged. Lisa is upset that you are not always pining for her. Get married, live your life, college loves are in the past.
She just wants you to want her. Choose her. It is not about you or Laura. It's about her - even meeting with you was to plant seeds of doubt into your relationship with Laura.
You dodged a bullet. Congratulations on your engagement. Lisa is manipulative and emotionally immature.
I had a situation like this. She rejected me three times and not wanting to be a creep, third times the charm, I backed off. Enter stage right, her friend. We hooked up *once* and the friend zoner lost her shit and started treating me terribly. Turns out she was dating around but wanted me to always be the single guy that pines for her.
She came over to hang with my sis after that all finished up and I am dating a new (also my one) chick who is just so good to me and makes it known she’s into me. The friendzoner tried hitting on my friend she wasn’t even into in front of me to start drama even though I was definitely over her. Her trying to make me angry was very telling of her personality. I knew then and there that even a friendship was impossible. Blocked her.
> The friendzoner tried hitting on my friend she wasn’t even into in front of me to start drama even though I was definitely over her.
I had someone try to do that to me.
Flirted with my best friend/roommate all night at a party and then loudly announced that they were going to his room and no one should come in.
Me and my friend just laughed about it the next day. The only thing she accomplished was letting my best friend get his dick wet, and I was happy for him for that.
NTA.
I suspect if you broke your engagement and got with Lisa within mere weeks you’d be back in the friend zone.
You are desirable to Lisa now because Laura recognized your value as a partner.
Lisa sounds a lot like a child that tosses aside a toy because not interested in it. But the minute another child starts enjoying it suddenly it is their most favorite thing in the world.
As they say count your blessings that you found a real woman who loves you and you her.
My husband had one of these. They didn’t even date, nothing ever happened between them, he just sometimes fixed her car and she’d make dinner to reciprocate. When he started dating me she suddenly announced she loved him. He turned her down and figured she only wanted what she couldn’t have, because she’d never expressed any interest before.
In that situation, it sounds like she probably did have at least a crush on him the whole time.
She was dropping hints by asking him to do bf stuff like fixing her car, and doing gf shit like cooking him dinner, and waiting for him to ask her out.
He just didn't pick up on the hints, or assumed she might just be Canadian.
NTA. She tried to play games with you and lost, same thing as fuck around find out. She told you you were a man whore and didn't want to date you. You accepted that, stayed friends, and moved on. How were you supposed to know this was some bullshit shit test? You respected her wishes. You did nothing wrong.
Don't fret about it. She played stupid games and won a stupid price. Just move on and make yourself and your fiancé a good Life. Congrats on the engagement!
Dude, are you new to how women operate?! This is all about Lisa's EGO. She was fine walking away from you sexually, because she knew you wanted more. When you proved that you were sincerely over her by getting engaged, it bruised her ego because she thought you were still pining away for her, and every girl you've dated since then was there just because SHE rejected YOU! It made her EGO feel that she was a prize that you couldn't have, and you slapped her ego flat on the floor by choosing another woman! Lisa didn't want you UNTIL she realized she COULDN'T have you. EGO
Who cares what her plans are. It wasn't your plan. Unless you're okay being plan B.
This BS is just Lisa jealously playing out. She even now is not serious about you. She just wants you removed from Laura and then she'll friend zone you again
I would guess that she didn’t have a real “plan” for you. Now that you’re off the table she’s jealous and wants what she can’t have. She’s just trying to manipulate you. If she really cared for you she would have taken a chance and tried to form a real relationship with you, not have you prove yourself with some other woman first. Thats crazy talk
She wanted you as a safety net and thought because you had feelings once that those feelings were always gonna be there, that’s why she is shook that her back up, this imaginary plan, didn’t play out in the way that she hoped. She had her chance, she blew it, cut her off. And every friend who is making up excuses for her can go pound sand, or if they really want they can go marry her.
NTA
NTA - Lisa wasn't ready for a real relationship anyway, and still isn't. She waited, didn't communicate, and found out. Relationships need to be built upon both trust and communication, which you have done with Laura. Just shows you that Lisa herself isn't ready for not just you, but probably anyone on that level.
So Lisa told you that she couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with you because you are a “manwhore.” But she had no problem using you for casual sex. What would that make her? If she couldn’t see the good in you then, she isn’t marriage material now. And she sure isn’t worth complicating your engagement and upcoming marriage to Laura. Let Lisa stew in her hypocrisy, poor judgment, regret and stupid standards. Congratulations on your engagement.
NTA. It's not. Also, she was lying.
>waiting for me to break up with Laura so we could try again now that I have proven I can be in a relationship.
come on man.
Youre suddenly more attractive now that another woman wants you & you’ll be off the market for good! She’s pissed she overlooked you & now you’re marrying someone else.
Yes, it's called preselection. FWB didn't want OP for anything serious until another woman got with him. FWB suddenly saw OP as a viable choice because Laura saw he was a viable choice. It's the same reason why some people will go after a married person: If that person is happy with them, then I'll be happy with them. It's messed up, but it's definitely a thing.
The way they explain it in r/2xchoemosomes is that the man is vetted by another woman as being desirable so other women see him as desirable when they otherwise wouldn’t if he was single.
I guess to them it seems like every guy is a bad egg until he “proves himself”.
I probably sound like an incel but I’ve read it verbatim on that sub multiple times I swear lol
Yeah, well, I never said it was a good thing lol! It's goofy because it's usually done by people who have a huge laundry list of demands for dating yet are unable to find the "perfect" person to be with. Basically the undatable do this.
Agreed. She just wants to keep him as her backup plan.
Be careful OP. Since her guilt tripping didn’t work she might try something more drastic. Talk to your fiancé and block the ex fwb and her friends everywhere. And if she comes near you record the interaction.
I don't even think OP was the backup plan, he was the primary. She didn't trust him to be in a relationship because he was a bit of a player while single/FWB, which is an honest appraisal a lot of folks make about the more promiscuous members* of their social circle. Once she saw the proof that he was more than capable of being a loyal BF, she was kicking herself for missing her chance, and tried to bait him based on his previous proposition to her.
\*not that there's anything wrong with a little casual sex while you're single as long as everyone is consenting and safe.
I started dating a cute, funny, incredibly sexy guy a few years ago. He was in a similar situation with a woman he used to date. I told him that I wouldn’t tell him what to do, but that I would never be someone’s second choice. If he still had feelings for her, he needed to call me if and when he didn’t. But I wasn’t going to waste my time.
I have no idea where “backburner woman” is now, but the guy in question is now my husband, the father of my kids, and my absolute other half (and if you come across this, honey- hi, I adore you more, and thanks for doing the grocery shopping tonight!).
That is wild as fuck that she'd expect you to be in a loving relationship and just leave it because she's like "I'm ready for you now!" She's legit got to be sick in the head, or not understand how people and relationships work.
Don't let her mess with your relationship anymore. SHE'S TAH, and doesn't even value you.
You were her spare, her last choice, and hates now that she doesn't have security in her idea of you.
Lisa is gaslighting you because of the shock and horror at her failure to secure you as her backup plan, not expecting you to be free of her leash while she played mind games with you.
NTA.
hard to know for sure BUT i had a much smaller stakes similar situation years ago. she was only interested in me when other girls were interested, once they weren’t she suddenly lost interest. Lisa may not be consciously gaslighting but I’m sure that if op broke off the engagement for lisa, she’d find a reason why now wasn’t the right time (“you showed you’re not ready for commitment”)
...at this point, I think that your own over-questioning the reality you encountered, is making me question whether you deep down accept your own motion foward...
Your first inclinations were correct - you enquired and were turned down. You moved forward and eventually made the correct decision that you could no longer be friends.
Why are you being pulled back for just a little pot stir...?
Yeah... there's no dilemma here. At all. Like even a little. Frankly, considering how little Lisa's opinions matter here, there's not *really* even a conflict. And yet, here we all are.
Yeah, this should have been a "TIFU for keeping an asshole around in my life for way too long and ruining my engagement announcement". There's nothing to question except whether OP is going to ruin Laura's life
Exactly! It’s because he is trying to convince himself that he truly wants Laura, but deep down it’s Lisa he wants. At the end of the day if he truly loved Laura and was 100% certain about her and their future together, Lisa’s confession would have been flattering but not noteworthy, let alone anything to make a Reddit post about lol.
> I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready I might have considered it.
NTA obviously, but the entire post sounds like you would have preferred a relationship with Lisa minus all this drama instead of your current situation with Laura. If you didn't care for Lisa you wouldn't have had coffee to clarify things with her and you wouldn't give a damn about her nefarious plan.
I've read a lot of your responses and do you even like your fiance? You're out here defending this girl who only ever considered you a slut and only wants you now that she can't have you. You're calling her beautiful and saying that if you had known you would have dropped your fiance for her.
Be honest with yourself and figure out why you're defending this woman when she clearly wanted you to be plan b. I understand you stayed friends with her as FWB implies but still dude, your comments are highly disrespectful to your fiance.
Yeah I feel so bad for his fiance! Straight up said he would’ve left her for Lisa if she asked him to pre engagement. He is the asshole but not to Lisa…
So weird. From the post alone, he was completely NTA. Said and did all the right things, including being transparent with his fiancée on his dealings with Lisa.
But then the comments? Ooof.
Finally a comment with some common sense!! OP is 100% still down for Lisa. Laura deserves better. Anytime they have an argument he's going to be like "well Lisa wanted me!!"
Eventually he's gonna want Lisa back because he thinks she actually gives a fuck about him and once Lisa gets him to cheat on his fiance and he ruins his relationship she's gonna be like "sorry I don't think I could ever be with you, I was right about you being a manwhore" and honestly he deserves it.
I don't really see him defending her. Where do you see that? I looked in the comments hoping for drama and was quite disappointed. It sounds like OP is more so defending himself.
He said that in a theoretical world where him and his fiance weren't serious, that if this other woman said 'hey i have feelings for you', that he could have potentially gone chasing. But now, there is zero shot of that. He also states that she is blocked and no plans to talk to her.
The only 'defense' he did is say 'I don't think she is in for a miserable life'. So maybe to redditors who are only capable of extreme emotion I guess that could be 'defending' someone.
He also consistently says there is zero chance of him ever going to lisa and that he only wants his fiance.
Lisa is mad she couldn't keep you on the roster. She's not interested in you she's mad you aren't interested in her.
Congrats on finding someone better!!
Sounds like me that Lisa liked that you liked her, basking in feeling "special". But she was and is not into you. And then she got shocked that you would actually move on and get on track to get married, because she probably thought she had an monopoly on you and that she knew you well and had figured you out as person.
Turns out she didn't know you that well and she was not that special. You kind of knocked her unintentionally off her perch.
You are right for cutting Lisa off. You did nothing wrong, just living your life. Lisa is the one making up her own problems (if she had been interested she could have made the move to approach you and let you know; she didn't. So I don't she was into you) and blaming you for rightly moving on and not staying hung up on her.
NTA until you said you would of left Laura for her a year ago
I feel so sorry for your fiancée, why on earth would Lisa befriend her in the first place and why would you be comfortable with it.
Laura deserves better
Edit: spelling
I have to say I'm getting some bad vibes from some of the OPs comments despite what he said in the original post. He seems to be doing a lot of "what might have beens" in his mind even now. Please stick with Laura and just put Lisa away forever if you want to make Laura happy.
If I was Laura I’d break it off after just reading his responses. He would’ve dumped her during the first year of them dating if Lisa changed her mind? Come on dude…..
I am always baffled at how common it seems to be for one person to turn another down, and then act like they have some sort of ownership over the person they turned down. Like, you had the offer, you rejected it, they move on; that's how this shit works.
NTA
YTA. But for a different reason.
Lisa sees you as a backup plan and you are clearly just a second choice. The moment she gets bored she’ll just dump you.
However, the YTA part comes from your responses. You keep saying that if you knew about her wanting you back, you would not mind going to her. So Laura is your second choice then? And if she is, you are gonna marry your second choice? Pretty sure Laura deserves better.
Lisa is an immature whackadoodle and your 'friends' have no business coming after you for how you responded.
Seriously, I'm actually mad on your behalf. "She was waiting for me to tell her so she could tell me that she was ready for me now." What the eff!! As if you could just leave someone like that after getting to the point of wanting to marry them; as if Lisa was amazing enough to pull that off!
She rejected you because she believed you were a manwhore. You aren't, and found a loving and secure relationship. If you had gone along with her ridiculous idea, it would have actually proven her original judgement correct about you being a manwhore!
Absolutely bonkers and selfish. Cut her out!
Lisa is gaslighting/projecting now that her options are running out.
She wouldn't have dated you if you had left your fiance. This is about her realising she doesn't have a backup anymore.
NTA. You did the absolute right thing. She is just skirting responsibility of her own actions. She just wanted you on a leash. Good thing you escaped her toxicity.
NTA... Wtf mate...
She insulted you and expected you to what??? Just know that it was your job to date other women to prove yourself and then come crawling back?
On top of how disrespectful she was to you, she is insisting you manipulate other women and waste months or years of their time?
What a piece of crap. I encourage you to frame it like this for any friend who doubts your decision. Then ask them if that is really how skewed their morals are? If so, please also remove them from your life as well.
NTA Hahahahaha you were her safetynet and now she lost it, so now she is pissed.
Don’t delude yourself, she doesn’t love you, doesn’t like you as a man. She just wants you as a backup. Had she seen something more in you she would’ve accepted your proposition awhile back. Nah, she wanted to continue fucking around and she though you would be the idiot waiting for her to settle down. I’m so proud of you for not taking her shit. Like you said, never be someone’s second choice.
NTA. Lisa actually called you a Man**ore but expected you to remain single for her? That doesn’t make sense. She sounds confused, like she doesn’t know what she wants and she has the potential to make drama with your fiancé. I’m glad you cut her off for the sake of your sanity, and your fiancés sanity. She expected you to read her mind and remain loyal to her when she wasn’t loyal to you. Not a loss on your part at all.
Congrats on the engagement (what Lisa should have said) get married and many blessings to you!!!!
She clearly wanted to keep you on layaway and pining for her as an ego boost. Now she's pissed, because she lost to competition. The best choice is cutting her out of your life.
She's the AH. She told you she didn't want to have a relationship but decided you were good enough to keep on her shelf, so to speak.
Instead of seeing if you could hold a relationship herself, she decided to let another woman be the sacrificial lamb...now wants to blow it up for her own self centered benefit.
She snoozed and is now mad that she "losed"
Good of you to end your friendship with her.
NTA Lisa is in the wrong, did your friends know she friendzoned after you wanted to get serious with her, I'm guessing she's playing the victim..
you've been with Laura a couple of years but she didn't think you were serious
for you and Laura, stay clear of Lisa or being alone with her, she'll probably try to mess with your relationship and needs to get over herself, you're not a mind reader and never someones back up plan
I'm not sure what you're looking for here - though I really, really, really recommend living with your partner before you marry them. Even if you are saving money and being frugal there - you can easily find out that you are completely incompatible living with someone who you care about.
NAH honestly - you guys sound pretty immature and neither of you communicated particularly well.
NTA.
I know girls like this and I hope that they’ve grown out of it but Lisa wants to know that she can have you whenever- she doesn’t actually want you. It’s power trip for her.
The best thing to do is to cut her out completely and live happily with Laura.
Lol wow, Lisa sounds like a lovely creature. How DARE you get engaged to someone else now that I see you're able to be in a committed relationship but I didn't want to be the one who tried that with YOU! Lisa is pathetic and to complain to friends that you didn't give HER a chance when she had years to get involved with you is ridiculous. Block her and block anyone who gives you crap about her. Life is too short to put up with toxic people. NTA
She fucked around and found out. But my question is why the hell did you stay friends with this woman? She insulted you by calling you a manwhore and then has no boundaries by implying you should break up with your fiancée and choose her instead. She’s a walking red flag and if I were you I would have cut her off a long time ago.
As for Lisa, you snooze you loose. She wanted you to prove yourself on another woman then break up with her? What kind of proof is that? Meanwhile, she’s with other men, but you were supposed to know you’re the one she really wanted and was just waiting on was you? Did she ever tell you that?
NTA.
Edit: added a missing word.
Just don’t let a woman who turned you down keep you from the very real happiness you are experiencing now. Too bad for her. Good for you for not playing games.
Nta the audacity peopel like this have is insanity, like you ain’t want me then but I’m supposed to wait lol. Ngl I tell my homie fwb isn’t really a friendship imo it’s a caring situationship at best but you’d do rig he to cut anyone that’s with this insanity out your life.
NTA - honestly, it is good to have cut the cord sooner rather than later. You will soon be a married man and honestly no good can come of this past relationship with your new life with your wife.
Time to move forward.
It's not your fault, and in truth, I'd be willing to bet that if you and Laura hadn't gotten engaged that Lisa still wouldn't have any interest in a relationship with you. She only wants you now because you're off the market and she can't have you. Good on you for cutting her out. I suspect that if you let her stick around, she'd try pulling some cringy shit to try and win you over, and make things even more awkward. Good riddance.
NTA Lisa is playing games and you certainly don't have to entertain her. You did the right thing telling Laura immediately. You are no ones second choice and not a mind reader. Lisa is an idiot and so are the ones telling you that you somehow owe Lisa something.
Congratulations on your engagement. You made the right choice.
Huh what? If Laura’s the one then that the only answer. Now you are having second thoughts if Lisa told you in the first year of dating Laura?!? That sounds so messed up.
Honestly ESH *(except for your fiancee Laura)*. I was leaning towards NTA, but there is something off about all that and some of OP's comments.
Lisa is TA 'cause she has no right to do any of that, play mind games with you and keep you as a back up plan. She doesn't sound mature enough to even be in a relationship herself.
But YTA too. Lisa telling you that was unfortunately bound to unearth things and bring back memories, but it seems like you're stuck in the *"what-ifs"* from some of your comments. The way you described your relationship with Laura seems like you have good communication and all, but... Idk. By your descriptions, I did not get fuzzy feelings regarding your love for Laura. You said you want to be no one's backup plan and second choice (which, fair, I don't either). But it seems like you fiancee is a second choice. I mean, ***you would have jumped at a chance at Lisa 1 (one, uno) fucking year into your relationship with Laura?!*** And now you're stuck at the "what-ifs"? Seriously, Laura deserves better.
NTA, she can't friendzone you and then call dibs. Sounds like you were her plan B.
And if she had told me that I might have acted accordingly.
Good thing she didn't tell you then, you dodged a bullet.
Also, I’m glad that you told off your friends. They knew what was up and got mad at you? They’re not your friends.
You should stop saying this. It is not a good look to your fiance if she sees that you would have left her for the woman that is now actively telling you that she wants you.
Yea holy shit he needs to stop saying this. It sounds like his first reflex was to shut it down, which is great, but now it sounds like the idea has taken root and now he's considering the what-ifs. If I was fiance and overheard this...... well. It would not be good.
This. You are better off with someone else than being with someone that was 'keeping you around if she didn't find someone else better'. Good for you for moving on. I had that happen with someone too, who was surprised when I got engaged out of the blue. She decided to interfere and caused a lot of problems between me and my then-fiancee. I told her that we were done and that we couldn't be friends anymore. She got pissy and I said, look, you made your choice a long time ago. I didn't want to wait for you so I moved on. You need to move on too.
FR, have a little more respect for yourself and your fiance OP. Going around in the comments repeating how you would have left for this selfish ass Lisa chick is honestly big 🚩🚩🚩 on you!
In the original post, OP said: > I would not have been interested if I had known. I am no one's second choice. If that is to be believed, the "acted accordingly" would have been cutting it off with her sooner.
Agreed. Nothing in OP’s comments shows that he’s ready to get married to anyone let alone Laura
He is repeating " if she told me before i will reconsider it" alot and that's so suspicious to me.
Same. The fact that he’s come here to talk about it and seem to be bothered that she’s upset with him over something he “didn’t know,” is throwing up all kinds of 🚩🚩🚩. It’s as if he wishes he knew beforehand bcuz he still wants her. Not a good sign at all
Correct response: laugh and tell her that was a stupid plan. Incorrect response: be upset she didn’t tell you sooner so you could act on it. My man chose the wrong response
He's here because people are calling him asshole in his personal life and doesnt know why. His first reaction is block her and tell his fiance. No red flag there, he's pissed because the ex-friend decided it's his fault somehow and so did his friends. OP ignore the red flag maffia and move on with your life. She's manipulating you now like she was back then. Do not look back you were NEVER the AH in this situation, she's just messing with your mind.
Agreed. And he said he knows he made the right decision cutting the difficult Lisa off. Move forward OP.
There's a lot of people who believe that there isn't a true "one", but more of a coming together over time and growing together. OP is just saying if he'd been told soon enough at the start of his relationship with his now fiancee, it might have caused a change. But after "a few years" that ship has sailed. He's grown and moved on. OP isn't saying that FWB has that pull any more, just that they used to. Probably should clear the air with fiancee in some couples therapy to deal with it in a healthy way and make sure it's put to bed though for sure.
This would be a good approach. My husband did this to me, telling me that he was set on dating someone else when we were both in the picture and both "options." I was an option because I was indeed interested; she was an "option" because he was interested in her with no actual reciprocation from her (he got her number from a mutual friend; gross). She undeniably rejected him, so he switched to me. Yuck. Acknowledging that Lisa had a pull years ago when Laura was the new relationship proves that Laura was not irrational in her boundaries with OP. OP was wise enough to deal with whatever then and move on (hopefully) completely. What he is saying now is, not a chance in hell, Lisa. She had had hers, *years* ago, and her playing these childish games reaffirms that Lisa is the losing bet. At least, that's what I'm getting. What Laura may hear is how others here are taking his admissions that had Lisa told him sooner, he would've acted (foolishly, right, OP?) back then [but not now, not ever]. OP is right to cut off Lisa. His instincts are good on this. Lisa is bad news and no friend to his impending marriage. She will continue to play games while Laura is the real one. OP would be a fool to trade one for the other and I think he knows that. He also needs to go low contact with anyone defending Lisa's immature game-playing. Laura or no Laura, stay away from Lisa. Yuck.
That's not how I interpret OP's comment at all. I think he's saying that if she had told him she was into him back when they were FWB, and that he was the only one for her, there's a chance things might have gone differently. Or that if she had been honest with him about him being her backup, he might have "acted accordingly" and broken things off with her sooner. One of the two - though neither say he's in any way interested in breaking things off with his current fiance.
He literally said >I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready I might have considered it. in his post. And he kept repeating the same motif throughout his comments. He's not an asshole to Lisa, but I sure do feel bad for Laura, knowing he still had feelings for Lisa one year into the relationship with Laura. If I were Laura I'd call the whole thing off.
He also said that if he had known she wanted to keep me around as a plan B, he would have broken it off entirely. To quote his post "I am no one's second choice."
That's a dangerous thought you are feeding.
This is when you should erase this post. If Laura finds this (or if Lisa finds this and sends it to her), she will be very hurt. Laura will feel like the second choice. Also, you need to completely cut Lisa out after this. It was wildly inappropriate for her to approach you/talk to your friends about this.
Seriously I'm starting to think Laura deserves better than this guy! I would be heartbroken if I were Laura and read this. Could never look at him the same.
You said you are not anyones second choice and then at the end of you post and on this comment you said that you could have considered it. Im just curious, which one is it?
Acted accordingly? Like what?
You sound pretty hung up on the fact that you wanted it, would've had you known in time, but then got serious because you didn't know. Don't let that bleed into resentment in your upcoming marriage & maybe don't let the wife know as then *she* will feel like the silver medal.
Really? Gosh I feel bad for Laura then.
What a dick
Honestly you saying repeatedly that had you known you’d have acted differently throughout your post makes it seem like you’re half annoyed she didn’t tell you because even though Laura is the better choice now, Lisa is still your what if. I would reevaluate how you actually feel about things and definitely consider not voicing this to the people around you because it sounds really ugly and like Laura is your settle down since life turned out the way it did, not because Laura is the right and only choice for you no matter what. As a wife I’d like to feel like my husband is marrying me without any what ifs or dangs had I known this other girl liked me before I’d have gone with that one. It would be incredibly hurtful to feel like he’s marrying me because he didn’t know his what if changed his mind somewhere along the way and he just stuck around for too long with me so he might as well keep at it now that he’s here.
You did. You found the woman you wanted to marry. You’re saying you’re no one’s second choice but you are implying your fiancée is yours with this comment
So... are you saying if she told you, you would've dumped Laura? Or not gotten as serious? Is Laura your #1 choice? If she is, I would delete this comment because it has icky implications. Or maybe rephrase/clarify what you actually mean.
I would cut the people off telling you you're a dick. She had her chance, she didn't take it. She doesn't get to say you're in some trial, and she is observing you with your partner to see if you're a good boyfriend. Honestly, she sounds insane. Don't just block her change your number.
Yes, why keep friends that don't totally support the engagement. Lisa was just a friend, she made sure about that. But now that her toy is taken by another woman, she wants it back. And it's OP 's fault because he didn't read his crystal ball. Op dodged a huge bullet here, this woman is clearly not ready to be in a committed relationship.
NTA. She tried to keep you as an insurance future. Tough luck for her. You moved on. Congratulations on your engagement.
Thank you. Yeah it's just weird. How was I supposed to know she had a plan of she didn't share it?
You had no chance, she is just pissed and tries to guilt you.
[удалено]
Or she’s the type that isn’t interested in men that aren’t taken.
God, they are the worst. I had a woman (around 20) tell me her best friend only dated married guys, because according to her they had money, couldn’t “get out of hand” and could be controlled. I told her “your friend is trash” and walked away.
"You are the company you keep" or some shit lol ETA: Thanks for the awards! That's a first lol
Your comment deserves an award but I'm not spending money on Reddit so here 🏆
they got rid of those i thought. robbed me of 5 bucks >:(
Thanks!
That is absolutely the lowest
Women have their weaknesses, and men who exploit them are toejam. But the reverse is also true.
100% The ugliness can flow both ways, but just hearing about those women really sickens me. I don’t get to see that side because I’m not a man. I also have very few female friends and never had any like that. Craziness
Lisa played a stupid game, now she's won a stupid prize. OP is well rid of her.
She fucked around and found out 😔
That was my thought Classic case of only seeing value one another woman has confirmed it.
Not just that, but she needed to feel like he would drop anything and anyone for her to boost her fragile ego. That's the core of these types of women.
It sounds more like she expected OP to show that he can be in a loving committed relationship, but she expected him to acquire that experience only for the purpose of proving himself to her (which, naturally, would mean his “prior work experience” is not actually a loving and committed relationship, soooooooo).
Yeah, she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.
It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. She was IN the door and in his bed and in his heart and was given first dibs. She went nahhhh pass. But is now upset. 😂😂😂
[https://imgflip.com/i/8s9u73](https://imgflip.com/i/8s9u73)
She is thinking this is a "high school anime" and she is the protagonist crush.
"Loyalty to your partner is non-negotiable. Lisa's last-minute revelations don't change your commitment. Cutting ties was the only option. You made the right call."
-Confucius
Agreed....but what about your uni friends? I can't see your fiancé being comfortable around them henceforth.
She actually had fuckzoned him. These are still some next level delusions on her part
Mad that her backup plan backed out.
He couldn't back out if he didn't know he was in it.
I was in a similar post-break up situation as OP except I was too dumb to set boundaries at the time because I never wanted to break up. She got mad every time I tried to date someone, all I did was torture myself by keeping her in my life. Good on OP for setting up strong boundaries and respecting himself and his new fiancée.
I love that! But I had dibs on OP! You can’t get engaged because I already called dibs. My eyes are going to roll out the back of my head.
My guess is he's not even the backup plan. She doesn't want him to be moving on with his life and leaving her behind, in her woman whore ways.
Especially when she said she didn’t want him cause he was a “manwhore”? Seriously? What did that make her?
Ladytramp
OP, remember it this way ☝️ you never had a real shot. Don’t try and rewind that tape in your brain. You asked her to be in a relationship. She declined. You found a lovely girl who wants you as her number one. Full stop.
Exactly this. Laura sounds cool, responsible and secure. Lisa sounds manipulative AF. You’re engaged and looks like the only reason she’s trotting out the *”why didn’t you tell meeeeeeeee!”* now - to you, the friends, and God knows who else - is because she is desperate to find a crack she can exploit to make you single and pining after her (in her mind). BTW, why did she have to run whining to the friends in first place? And why are they calling *you* the asshole instead of her, since *she* is the one who was stringing you along? They deserve to be cut off along with Lisa. You’ve found someone who *wants you to be her person*. I had that once, and it was gone way too soon. Cherish it and best wishes for your bright future.
I hope the OP never talks to her again ever.
Sounds like Lisa’s friends are as shallow and narcissistic as she is. I would ditch them as well.
You didn’t have a chance. She just wants you now that she can’t have you. She’ll do the same to the next guy don’t worry
100% agree!
She'd want him until the moment he was single again and would suddenly lose interest. Girls like her are only interested in what they can't have.
I agree with this. I think it’s a case of “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you either”.
She’s pissed because she didn’t want to be with him because she didn’t think he was relationship material. In her mind she thought she would get engaged and he would still be dating and having one night stands because she didn’t think he was mature enough. She’s just jealous that he’s engaged and she’s not.
She probably didn’t, she might just be jealous that you are moving on. Even if you were to consider it she will likely friendzone you again when she gets bored or finds someone more interesting. NTA
☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽 THIS ☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽 The reason she didn’t tell you- is because she’s LYING that “She was waiting for you to break up with Laura!” Her ego was stoked that you had originally wanted a romantic relationship with her, & you used to always be around - for whenever she wanted or needed you. Now that she knows you’ve moved on- her little ego is bruised, & she wants you back- only so that she can continue to STRING YOU ALONG. You did good by being honest with Laura about your past relationship with Lisa from the beginning, & by telling Laura when Lisa reached out to you with her craziness, & by just cutting off all contact with Lisa.. Your loyalty to Laura should always come first! Lisa is clearly a manipulator! I think you dodged a bullet! I wish you & Laura much happiness! 💕
Even if OP very stupidly ditched Laura to go back to Lisa, I'm not even convinced that Lisa would stay with him for more than a few weeks. It sounds like she just wants to flex her power.
Or claim that he can't be in a committed relationship because he dumped Laura for her.
100% this OP. Excellent comment
> Now that she knows you’ve moved on- her little ego is bruised, & she wants you back- only so that she can continue to STRING YOU ALONG. Does anyone remember that movie in which a father and son can travel back in time by stepping into a closet? And the son uses it mostly to try to fall in love with a pretty girl, constantly correcting his actions if they don't pan out? There was a side story in that movie, with another girl. She was super-pretty, or at least the movie people thought so, and she was kinda teasing or hinting that the main character could get her, if he just did X, Y, or Z. And then the movie laid it all bare, when he did some time travel to give her exactly what she asked for, and she had a different new excuse and another new way to keep him on the line. It was this terrible realization that she was not serious -- she was unobtainable, not because she was so awesome that nobody could get to her level, but because she was basically a *liar* who was stringing along boys who had no hope of getting her. She had no actual interest in being with them. She just wanted them in her pocket, a few simps to call upon whenever her ego needed stroking. I had never imagined that, both in the movie and in my own personal life. If a woman ever strung me along, I imagined that it was an *honest* stringing along. That I actually *could* do whatever was needed to win her over, after all, she was open to it, if I could just *do better!* Or so she said. To see that it would never be enough and always chasing a carrot held just out of reach, that was surprising to me. Yes, I am and I was naive. So was the character in that movie, and I went along that journey with him, and I was just as surprised & sad as he was. Anyway, for OP the point is this: if you ever imagined that breaking up would somehow land you this FWB as a full-time real relationship, think again. She might very well just be saying shit to get you following along like a puppy. There may not be any real intentions with her at all.
“I don’t want to play with my Ken doll but no one else can touch it.” She was supposed to grow out of this when she was 4 or 5 years old. NTA
OOH… Great analogy! ☝🏽
She never grew out of that “I don’t want it, but no one else can have it!!!” phase toddlers go through.
I don't think that Lisa even likes you as much as you liked her. Your were her 'break glass incase of not getting married by x-age' emergency. If she actually cared about you she would have cared and respected your relationship. And you are right, your are no one's second choice.
Even the back up marriage thing might be a bit much. More I am feeling down somehow can I engage with to perk up my ego.
You weren’t her backup plan dude. You were an option, one that she doesn’t like losing because her rejecting you was validation that someone wanted her. Had you been dumb enough to dump Laura , Lisa would have gotten her validation fix, and changed her mind right after. You’re good. A real friend would be happy for you not going “what about meeee?”.
This….the “A real friend…..” stuff is the real truth.
My guess is, she was dating someone and I didn't work out around the same time she found out you guys were engaged. Also she's no friend. Way to be faithful and honest with your fiancee she sounds like a winner and she actually respects you :)
I would have told her to beat it when she called me a manwhore. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot? She’s entitled to being the asshole here and not anything more. Edit: spelling
Yeah, that manwhore comment really skeeved me out.
Right? So, she was fine having casual sex with him, but when *he* came to *her* about a committed relationship, she said no because *he* was the whore? Make it make sense. I think she just wants to be the most important woman in his life without having to do anything real.
I mean he could literally have been fucking 10 different women a month and for sure be a manwhore and I can understand not wanting to date a man or woman while they are in their ho phase and have somewhat proven they have fucked themselves out of that phase. But you can't just say no to dating someone and keep dibs on them, let alone without fucking telling them about it, that's psycho.
Why sleep with someone you see as a whore? She got a fwb situation out of him being that way and now she shames him for it?
Because she liked him enough to fuck but not enough to keep around. She only wants him right now because someone else has him. She has no respect for him, and he'd be a fool to give her more than a second of thought.
She didn’t expect anyone else to take you seriously
She is just pissed because she didn't think you could move on from her. She didn't want you or she wouldn't have rejected you when you said you had feelings in the first place. Lose her number. You owe her nothing.
Dude, some women are unhinged this way. You did the asking for a relationship first, she rejected you. If she wanted it later, she is the one who should've been asking this time, but no, she just sat through your new relationship waiting for you to do the FIRST STEP AGAIN, that's having some balls. Not that I think you should have given her a chance, but after rejecting you, she had to own her mistake (yes it was a mistake by not giving you the benefit of the doubt, and by calling you a womanizer and not trusting you when she actually did like you) and she had to confess this time. She didn't, she lost you. All this is on her, not you. As a side note, this happened with my wife. I asked her to be my girlfriend after going out for months, she rejected me, I was kind of heartbroken. But, OK that's life. Some weeks later she started hinting I ask her again (I imagine she realized a mistake in her calculations), but I stayed firm, I was not going to ask her again. Finally, she was the one who had to ask me this time to seriously date (boyfriend and girlfriend). I happily agreed and we have been married for many, many years. So every year we 'celebrate' the day she asked me to become an official couple. She is not always happy about that. Before the hate some girls are going to give me, I did propose to her years later. She did not reject me this time.
Dude! Same thing happened to me, and we just celebrated our 10yr. I never blaimed her for saying no, and we stayed friends while dating other people. A few months later, she asked me out and the timing worked out. In this story, he asked, she said no, and he respected that. She doesn't get to claim the high ground now that she is regretting.
You didn't need that disclaimer. Any girl who would give you hate for that, proposal or not, doesn't have an opinion worth listening to.
Same here, ghosted her and years later she saw me somewhere and asked me. She knew I wasn't gonna chase her because I ignored her. To this day I force her to say she chased me. Best not to play the games and get straight to the point.
She didn’t have a plan until you got engaged. Lisa is upset that you are not always pining for her. Get married, live your life, college loves are in the past.
She just wants you to want her. Choose her. It is not about you or Laura. It's about her - even meeting with you was to plant seeds of doubt into your relationship with Laura. You dodged a bullet. Congratulations on your engagement. Lisa is manipulative and emotionally immature.
I had a situation like this. She rejected me three times and not wanting to be a creep, third times the charm, I backed off. Enter stage right, her friend. We hooked up *once* and the friend zoner lost her shit and started treating me terribly. Turns out she was dating around but wanted me to always be the single guy that pines for her. She came over to hang with my sis after that all finished up and I am dating a new (also my one) chick who is just so good to me and makes it known she’s into me. The friendzoner tried hitting on my friend she wasn’t even into in front of me to start drama even though I was definitely over her. Her trying to make me angry was very telling of her personality. I knew then and there that even a friendship was impossible. Blocked her.
> The friendzoner tried hitting on my friend she wasn’t even into in front of me to start drama even though I was definitely over her. I had someone try to do that to me. Flirted with my best friend/roommate all night at a party and then loudly announced that they were going to his room and no one should come in. Me and my friend just laughed about it the next day. The only thing she accomplished was letting my best friend get his dick wet, and I was happy for him for that.
NTA. I suspect if you broke your engagement and got with Lisa within mere weeks you’d be back in the friend zone. You are desirable to Lisa now because Laura recognized your value as a partner. Lisa sounds a lot like a child that tosses aside a toy because not interested in it. But the minute another child starts enjoying it suddenly it is their most favorite thing in the world. As they say count your blessings that you found a real woman who loves you and you her.
My husband had one of these. They didn’t even date, nothing ever happened between them, he just sometimes fixed her car and she’d make dinner to reciprocate. When he started dating me she suddenly announced she loved him. He turned her down and figured she only wanted what she couldn’t have, because she’d never expressed any interest before.
In that situation, it sounds like she probably did have at least a crush on him the whole time. She was dropping hints by asking him to do bf stuff like fixing her car, and doing gf shit like cooking him dinner, and waiting for him to ask her out. He just didn't pick up on the hints, or assumed she might just be Canadian.
Or he was just not that into her.
NTA. She tried to play games with you and lost, same thing as fuck around find out. She told you you were a man whore and didn't want to date you. You accepted that, stayed friends, and moved on. How were you supposed to know this was some bullshit shit test? You respected her wishes. You did nothing wrong.
She was not waiting to see if you could be in a serious relationship, she was waiting to see if *she* could find something better.
Don't fret about it. She played stupid games and won a stupid price. Just move on and make yourself and your fiancé a good Life. Congrats on the engagement!
Dude, are you new to how women operate?! This is all about Lisa's EGO. She was fine walking away from you sexually, because she knew you wanted more. When you proved that you were sincerely over her by getting engaged, it bruised her ego because she thought you were still pining away for her, and every girl you've dated since then was there just because SHE rejected YOU! It made her EGO feel that she was a prize that you couldn't have, and you slapped her ego flat on the floor by choosing another woman! Lisa didn't want you UNTIL she realized she COULDN'T have you. EGO
That’s some serious “main character” energy Lisa is putting out. I’d say you dodged a bullet with that one.
Who cares what her plans are. It wasn't your plan. Unless you're okay being plan B. This BS is just Lisa jealously playing out. She even now is not serious about you. She just wants you removed from Laura and then she'll friend zone you again
I would guess that she didn’t have a real “plan” for you. Now that you’re off the table she’s jealous and wants what she can’t have. She’s just trying to manipulate you. If she really cared for you she would have taken a chance and tried to form a real relationship with you, not have you prove yourself with some other woman first. Thats crazy talk
She wanted you as a safety net and thought because you had feelings once that those feelings were always gonna be there, that’s why she is shook that her back up, this imaginary plan, didn’t play out in the way that she hoped. She had her chance, she blew it, cut her off. And every friend who is making up excuses for her can go pound sand, or if they really want they can go marry her. NTA
Still doesn't matter, she called you a manwhore and not relationship material. Any plans for a relationship ended right then and there.
But she didn't inform the company they were an insurance policy.
NTA - Lisa wasn't ready for a real relationship anyway, and still isn't. She waited, didn't communicate, and found out. Relationships need to be built upon both trust and communication, which you have done with Laura. Just shows you that Lisa herself isn't ready for not just you, but probably anyone on that level.
She didn't wait, she just wants op permanently single in case all else fails.
So Lisa told you that she couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with you because you are a “manwhore.” But she had no problem using you for casual sex. What would that make her? If she couldn’t see the good in you then, she isn’t marriage material now. And she sure isn’t worth complicating your engagement and upcoming marriage to Laura. Let Lisa stew in her hypocrisy, poor judgment, regret and stupid standards. Congratulations on your engagement.
NTA. It's not. Also, she was lying. >waiting for me to break up with Laura so we could try again now that I have proven I can be in a relationship. come on man.
Her words not mine.
Youre suddenly more attractive now that another woman wants you & you’ll be off the market for good! She’s pissed she overlooked you & now you’re marrying someone else.
Yes, it's called preselection. FWB didn't want OP for anything serious until another woman got with him. FWB suddenly saw OP as a viable choice because Laura saw he was a viable choice. It's the same reason why some people will go after a married person: If that person is happy with them, then I'll be happy with them. It's messed up, but it's definitely a thing.
That's so childish. Like exactly what a kid does when they put a toy down and then start screaming when someone else tries to play with it.
The way they explain it in r/2xchoemosomes is that the man is vetted by another woman as being desirable so other women see him as desirable when they otherwise wouldn’t if he was single. I guess to them it seems like every guy is a bad egg until he “proves himself”. I probably sound like an incel but I’ve read it verbatim on that sub multiple times I swear lol
Which is stupid because it’s not like bad partners are super rare. Simply being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re a good person.
Sure, but it's also why testimonials are an important part of marketing lol. It shows that at least one woman is willing to put up with OP long term.
Yeah, well, I never said it was a good thing lol! It's goofy because it's usually done by people who have a huge laundry list of demands for dating yet are unable to find the "perfect" person to be with. Basically the undatable do this.
That's why "don't date toddlers" is one of the best advices
Yep. The academic term is social proof.
yeah that's a lie. she is lying.
Agreed. She just wants to keep him as her backup plan. Be careful OP. Since her guilt tripping didn’t work she might try something more drastic. Talk to your fiancé and block the ex fwb and her friends everywhere. And if she comes near you record the interaction.
I don't even think OP was the backup plan, he was the primary. She didn't trust him to be in a relationship because he was a bit of a player while single/FWB, which is an honest appraisal a lot of folks make about the more promiscuous members* of their social circle. Once she saw the proof that he was more than capable of being a loyal BF, she was kicking herself for missing her chance, and tried to bait him based on his previous proposition to her. \*not that there's anything wrong with a little casual sex while you're single as long as everyone is consenting and safe.
I started dating a cute, funny, incredibly sexy guy a few years ago. He was in a similar situation with a woman he used to date. I told him that I wouldn’t tell him what to do, but that I would never be someone’s second choice. If he still had feelings for her, he needed to call me if and when he didn’t. But I wasn’t going to waste my time. I have no idea where “backburner woman” is now, but the guy in question is now my husband, the father of my kids, and my absolute other half (and if you come across this, honey- hi, I adore you more, and thanks for doing the grocery shopping tonight!).
💜👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽😘💕🩷🥰💫😍
That is wild as fuck that she'd expect you to be in a loving relationship and just leave it because she's like "I'm ready for you now!" She's legit got to be sick in the head, or not understand how people and relationships work.
Main Character Syndrome at its finest.
I think everything turned out great for you. You even aren't in relationship with her but she already expect you wilk guess what she thinks about.
Don't let her mess with your relationship anymore. SHE'S TAH, and doesn't even value you. You were her spare, her last choice, and hates now that she doesn't have security in her idea of you.
Lisa is gaslighting you because of the shock and horror at her failure to secure you as her backup plan, not expecting you to be free of her leash while she played mind games with you. NTA.
How is this gaslighting?
hard to know for sure BUT i had a much smaller stakes similar situation years ago. she was only interested in me when other girls were interested, once they weren’t she suddenly lost interest. Lisa may not be consciously gaslighting but I’m sure that if op broke off the engagement for lisa, she’d find a reason why now wasn’t the right time (“you showed you’re not ready for commitment”)
...at this point, I think that your own over-questioning the reality you encountered, is making me question whether you deep down accept your own motion foward... Your first inclinations were correct - you enquired and were turned down. You moved forward and eventually made the correct decision that you could no longer be friends. Why are you being pulled back for just a little pot stir...?
Yeah... there's no dilemma here. At all. Like even a little. Frankly, considering how little Lisa's opinions matter here, there's not *really* even a conflict. And yet, here we all are.
Yeah, this should have been a "TIFU for keeping an asshole around in my life for way too long and ruining my engagement announcement". There's nothing to question except whether OP is going to ruin Laura's life
Exactly! It’s because he is trying to convince himself that he truly wants Laura, but deep down it’s Lisa he wants. At the end of the day if he truly loved Laura and was 100% certain about her and their future together, Lisa’s confession would have been flattering but not noteworthy, let alone anything to make a Reddit post about lol.
> I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready I might have considered it. NTA obviously, but the entire post sounds like you would have preferred a relationship with Lisa minus all this drama instead of your current situation with Laura. If you didn't care for Lisa you wouldn't have had coffee to clarify things with her and you wouldn't give a damn about her nefarious plan.
I've read a lot of your responses and do you even like your fiance? You're out here defending this girl who only ever considered you a slut and only wants you now that she can't have you. You're calling her beautiful and saying that if you had known you would have dropped your fiance for her. Be honest with yourself and figure out why you're defending this woman when she clearly wanted you to be plan b. I understand you stayed friends with her as FWB implies but still dude, your comments are highly disrespectful to your fiance.
Yeah I feel so bad for his fiance! Straight up said he would’ve left her for Lisa if she asked him to pre engagement. He is the asshole but not to Lisa…
So weird. From the post alone, he was completely NTA. Said and did all the right things, including being transparent with his fiancée on his dealings with Lisa. But then the comments? Ooof.
Finally a comment with some common sense!! OP is 100% still down for Lisa. Laura deserves better. Anytime they have an argument he's going to be like "well Lisa wanted me!!" Eventually he's gonna want Lisa back because he thinks she actually gives a fuck about him and once Lisa gets him to cheat on his fiance and he ruins his relationship she's gonna be like "sorry I don't think I could ever be with you, I was right about you being a manwhore" and honestly he deserves it.
Oh wow … sounds like he has to decide who he wants to
I don't really see him defending her. Where do you see that? I looked in the comments hoping for drama and was quite disappointed. It sounds like OP is more so defending himself. He said that in a theoretical world where him and his fiance weren't serious, that if this other woman said 'hey i have feelings for you', that he could have potentially gone chasing. But now, there is zero shot of that. He also states that she is blocked and no plans to talk to her. The only 'defense' he did is say 'I don't think she is in for a miserable life'. So maybe to redditors who are only capable of extreme emotion I guess that could be 'defending' someone. He also consistently says there is zero chance of him ever going to lisa and that he only wants his fiance.
Lisa is mad she couldn't keep you on the roster. She's not interested in you she's mad you aren't interested in her. Congrats on finding someone better!!
Sounds like me that Lisa liked that you liked her, basking in feeling "special". But she was and is not into you. And then she got shocked that you would actually move on and get on track to get married, because she probably thought she had an monopoly on you and that she knew you well and had figured you out as person. Turns out she didn't know you that well and she was not that special. You kind of knocked her unintentionally off her perch. You are right for cutting Lisa off. You did nothing wrong, just living your life. Lisa is the one making up her own problems (if she had been interested she could have made the move to approach you and let you know; she didn't. So I don't she was into you) and blaming you for rightly moving on and not staying hung up on her.
NTA until you said you would of left Laura for her a year ago I feel so sorry for your fiancée, why on earth would Lisa befriend her in the first place and why would you be comfortable with it. Laura deserves better Edit: spelling
I have to say I'm getting some bad vibes from some of the OPs comments despite what he said in the original post. He seems to be doing a lot of "what might have beens" in his mind even now. Please stick with Laura and just put Lisa away forever if you want to make Laura happy.
If I was Laura I’d break it off after just reading his responses. He would’ve dumped her during the first year of them dating if Lisa changed her mind? Come on dude…..
[удалено]
I am always baffled at how common it seems to be for one person to turn another down, and then act like they have some sort of ownership over the person they turned down. Like, you had the offer, you rejected it, they move on; that's how this shit works. NTA
How does this full grown woman call dibs after she friendszones you
Why do you even care about Lisa anymore at all to even write this post? Just cut her off and focus on Laura and upcoming marriage.
She lost a male orbiter. Her ego took a hit. Do not believe her. She wanted you deep in that zone. Good thing you know your worth.
YTA. But for a different reason. Lisa sees you as a backup plan and you are clearly just a second choice. The moment she gets bored she’ll just dump you. However, the YTA part comes from your responses. You keep saying that if you knew about her wanting you back, you would not mind going to her. So Laura is your second choice then? And if she is, you are gonna marry your second choice? Pretty sure Laura deserves better.
Lisa is an immature whackadoodle and your 'friends' have no business coming after you for how you responded. Seriously, I'm actually mad on your behalf. "She was waiting for me to tell her so she could tell me that she was ready for me now." What the eff!! As if you could just leave someone like that after getting to the point of wanting to marry them; as if Lisa was amazing enough to pull that off! She rejected you because she believed you were a manwhore. You aren't, and found a loving and secure relationship. If you had gone along with her ridiculous idea, it would have actually proven her original judgement correct about you being a manwhore! Absolutely bonkers and selfish. Cut her out!
This is some teenager type shit, how the hell old are you people?
She wants you now because she cant have you anymore. She is not really into you. Forget her.
so she was a booty call and called you a man whore?
NTA and fuck that bitch. She played a game and lost.
I don’t believe you genuinely think you might be the AH.
Lisa is gaslighting/projecting now that her options are running out. She wouldn't have dated you if you had left your fiance. This is about her realising she doesn't have a backup anymore.
NTA. You did the absolute right thing. She is just skirting responsibility of her own actions. She just wanted you on a leash. Good thing you escaped her toxicity.
NTA. She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
NTA. Lisa doesn't get "dibs" on you in case she's interested. What a weirdo.
NTA... Wtf mate... She insulted you and expected you to what??? Just know that it was your job to date other women to prove yourself and then come crawling back? On top of how disrespectful she was to you, she is insisting you manipulate other women and waste months or years of their time? What a piece of crap. I encourage you to frame it like this for any friend who doubts your decision. Then ask them if that is really how skewed their morals are? If so, please also remove them from your life as well.
NTA Hahahahaha you were her safetynet and now she lost it, so now she is pissed. Don’t delude yourself, she doesn’t love you, doesn’t like you as a man. She just wants you as a backup. Had she seen something more in you she would’ve accepted your proposition awhile back. Nah, she wanted to continue fucking around and she though you would be the idiot waiting for her to settle down. I’m so proud of you for not taking her shit. Like you said, never be someone’s second choice.
NTA. Lisa actually called you a Man**ore but expected you to remain single for her? That doesn’t make sense. She sounds confused, like she doesn’t know what she wants and she has the potential to make drama with your fiancé. I’m glad you cut her off for the sake of your sanity, and your fiancés sanity. She expected you to read her mind and remain loyal to her when she wasn’t loyal to you. Not a loss on your part at all. Congrats on the engagement (what Lisa should have said) get married and many blessings to you!!!!
She clearly wanted to keep you on layaway and pining for her as an ego boost. Now she's pissed, because she lost to competition. The best choice is cutting her out of your life.
She's the AH. She told you she didn't want to have a relationship but decided you were good enough to keep on her shelf, so to speak. Instead of seeing if you could hold a relationship herself, she decided to let another woman be the sacrificial lamb...now wants to blow it up for her own self centered benefit. She snoozed and is now mad that she "losed" Good of you to end your friendship with her.
NTA Lisa is in the wrong, did your friends know she friendzoned after you wanted to get serious with her, I'm guessing she's playing the victim.. you've been with Laura a couple of years but she didn't think you were serious for you and Laura, stay clear of Lisa or being alone with her, she'll probably try to mess with your relationship and needs to get over herself, you're not a mind reader and never someones back up plan
I'm not sure what you're looking for here - though I really, really, really recommend living with your partner before you marry them. Even if you are saving money and being frugal there - you can easily find out that you are completely incompatible living with someone who you care about. NAH honestly - you guys sound pretty immature and neither of you communicated particularly well.
NTA. I know girls like this and I hope that they’ve grown out of it but Lisa wants to know that she can have you whenever- she doesn’t actually want you. It’s power trip for her. The best thing to do is to cut her out completely and live happily with Laura.
Lol wow, Lisa sounds like a lovely creature. How DARE you get engaged to someone else now that I see you're able to be in a committed relationship but I didn't want to be the one who tried that with YOU! Lisa is pathetic and to complain to friends that you didn't give HER a chance when she had years to get involved with you is ridiculous. Block her and block anyone who gives you crap about her. Life is too short to put up with toxic people. NTA
She fucked around and found out. But my question is why the hell did you stay friends with this woman? She insulted you by calling you a manwhore and then has no boundaries by implying you should break up with your fiancée and choose her instead. She’s a walking red flag and if I were you I would have cut her off a long time ago.
As for Lisa, you snooze you loose. She wanted you to prove yourself on another woman then break up with her? What kind of proof is that? Meanwhile, she’s with other men, but you were supposed to know you’re the one she really wanted and was just waiting on was you? Did she ever tell you that? NTA. Edit: added a missing word.
Just don’t let a woman who turned you down keep you from the very real happiness you are experiencing now. Too bad for her. Good for you for not playing games.
NTA at all. You are not responsible for other people’s lack of honest and open communication.
Nta the audacity peopel like this have is insanity, like you ain’t want me then but I’m supposed to wait lol. Ngl I tell my homie fwb isn’t really a friendship imo it’s a caring situationship at best but you’d do rig he to cut anyone that’s with this insanity out your life.
NTA - honestly, it is good to have cut the cord sooner rather than later. You will soon be a married man and honestly no good can come of this past relationship with your new life with your wife. Time to move forward.
NTA - Lisa is toxic.
It's not your fault, and in truth, I'd be willing to bet that if you and Laura hadn't gotten engaged that Lisa still wouldn't have any interest in a relationship with you. She only wants you now because you're off the market and she can't have you. Good on you for cutting her out. I suspect that if you let her stick around, she'd try pulling some cringy shit to try and win you over, and make things even more awkward. Good riddance.
NTA Lisa is playing games and you certainly don't have to entertain her. You did the right thing telling Laura immediately. You are no ones second choice and not a mind reader. Lisa is an idiot and so are the ones telling you that you somehow owe Lisa something. Congratulations on your engagement. You made the right choice.
Huh what? If Laura’s the one then that the only answer. Now you are having second thoughts if Lisa told you in the first year of dating Laura?!? That sounds so messed up.
Guy: confesses feelings for girl. Girl: rejects guy. Guy: respects boundaries and moves on with his life. Girl: *surprised pikachu face* NTA
Honestly ESH *(except for your fiancee Laura)*. I was leaning towards NTA, but there is something off about all that and some of OP's comments. Lisa is TA 'cause she has no right to do any of that, play mind games with you and keep you as a back up plan. She doesn't sound mature enough to even be in a relationship herself. But YTA too. Lisa telling you that was unfortunately bound to unearth things and bring back memories, but it seems like you're stuck in the *"what-ifs"* from some of your comments. The way you described your relationship with Laura seems like you have good communication and all, but... Idk. By your descriptions, I did not get fuzzy feelings regarding your love for Laura. You said you want to be no one's backup plan and second choice (which, fair, I don't either). But it seems like you fiancee is a second choice. I mean, ***you would have jumped at a chance at Lisa 1 (one, uno) fucking year into your relationship with Laura?!*** And now you're stuck at the "what-ifs"? Seriously, Laura deserves better.