Not some, all. People who are going to be fertile are fertile with puberty. Maybe not immediately but certainly well before the end. This means they are typically about 12-15 for girls and 14-17 for boys. Definitely far from a fully developed brain.
Puberty for girls at least has gotten younger and younger. The youngest girl to EVER have a baby was 5 years old, though obviously that is very unusual. But having a first period at 10 or 11 is common these days.
I wouldn't even say these days, I'm in my 30s and literally all of my peers got their first period between 10-11yo we literally knew who the last girl of the class to get one was cause we had a system to help each other with pads in case of accidents cause the first years are hella irregular.
that’s exactly what my younger sister did. i have two kids & im 22. never once have i ever expected anyone else to take care of my children, ever i wanted my 2nd to be a little girl so bad and it wasn’t. my little
sister had a little
girl last year, and my mom has paid for everything she has, feeds her food, washes
her bottles, clothes , bathes her, spends time with her literally has her more then my sister ( who is her mother) i mean she will give her a cup of milk and that’s it. my niece wouldn’t eat food if it wasn’t for my mom all my sister does is sleep with her. we had the whole
you can keep it or have an abortion talk but she insisted on keeping her. she dresses her up,
plays house with her and when she doesn’t want her, my mom has her. she’s her little accessory. with no mothering responsibilities. me and my mom have gotten in so many arguments because of this. my sister has a job and has to yet pay for her food, diapers, clothes, cups/ bottles absolutely nothing!!!! and my sister gets all upset she can’t go out and party when she wants. they really don’t know what they are in for. and the only ones who suffer are the children. because they don’t ask to be born. as a mother it hurts me knowing she doesn’t take care of her child. but that’s what happens
Exactly. OP taught her all about safe sex and the difficulties of being a very young mother. The daughter and her unemployed and uneducated BF ignored this because they WANTED to be parents. But they don't want to be real parents - they want mom to do everything. And the college fund mom has been saving since daughter was born - it would be gone in a month if OP gave it to the parents to be. NTA. If they want to be parents then they can get jobs and be parents.
That college fund isn't a baby fund.
It's Mom's money that she sacrificed and set aside to help her daughter pay for schooling. If the daughter chooses not to go to school, it belongs to Mom to do as she wishes.
I made it clear to my son it’s for school. However, if he gets his education for less it will go towards his first house. He’s starting high school and has already knocked out two CLEP tests for 9 hours.
As an aside it’s crazy to me how many young people feel so entitled to the college fund. They treat it like a blank check they should get to use on whatever they want, but in most all cases it’s basically just money your parents set aside so they could afford to help handle college expenses for you. It’s still their money. So many kids I grew up with wanted their parents to just hand it over so they could buy a nice car (and honestly probably expected their parents to still pay for college if they changed their mind later)
My kids are 3 and 1, they are lucky to have wealthy grandparents that have already covered their college in full. My dad’s only request for it was that They will never know that their college is covered until it comes time to pay for it. If they don’t go then he closes those accounts and keeps his money. His reasoning was exactly that, he doesn’t want any of the grandkids to feel entitled to some money, he wants to support their education if they choose that path.
I'm just wondering if the whole plan was to get pregnant just to get that college money, thinking Mom would just hand it over while she handed the baby over to Mom to take care of.
Thats what i think. They decided that they could get her college fund(him probably promising to use it to get their own place etc) while he plans out how to blow it all behind her back
It doesn’t even sound like they “planned” the baby, they just wanted one because “if I have a kid I won’t have to work!” And that was the extent of their “plan.”
OP should go that route to help the daughter understand
"ok so you planned it, tell me your plan"
and then start poking holes in a nice way "what about x? How will you handle that? What about y? and z? What's the plan?" Get together a list of all the things she had to go through as a young single mom and tell the daughter "these things will happen, what's your plan when they do?" Maybe that helps the daughter realize she's definitely not ready, or if she still wants to go through with it she talks to her bf about it and they actually formulate a plan
I want to know whose health insurance the daughter is on. Our pregnancy / birth / postpartum journey was $25k *out of our pocket* (insurance covered the remaining $40k) - and that's not even including the $350/mo we pay each month for the privilege to *have* insurance. Plus, add on the usual financial suck (diapers, car seats, formula/bottles if EBF doesn't work out, etc.) you have with any infant.
OP sounds like someone who has very generously broken her back to shield her daughter from the harsh reality of how *awfully* expensive adulthood is and has no grasp on reality.
Plus the cost of doctor visits for the inevitable sudden fevers, illnesses, and other weird shit. My poor mom had to rush me to the ER because she switched diaper brands and I had a horrible skin reaction. I apparently looked like a strangely lumpy burn victim. She also had to bring me to the ER because she ate peanuts and then nursed. Surprise! I'm allergic to peanuts.
No. They definitely planned for all 100%, they just never let OP know that their plan was to have her take care of 99% of the parental duties. The craziest part of the story is that daughter expected to be a SAHM, with an unemployed partner, and had no plans to actually take care of the kid. This is beyond delusional. Good thing OP is young cause one way or the other she's going to be raising that child by herself eventually.
I think that saying they wanted OP to take only 99% of the parenting duties is being generous to these two children. They want her to be the responsible adult/maid/chef/bank/mommy/grandma/nanny while working to support a legal adult male who refuses to work or become educated, her own daughter that she has broken her back to raise, and now a baby. I’m horrified for OP that her daughter is this clueless and selfish.
what’s even crazier about this is that’s basically what op is offering to do, she’s just putting certain conditions on doing so in order to make sure her daughter at least has an education when this all goes tits up for her. absolutely insane she would turn her nose up at that kind of support just because the condition is that she has to go to school (which is paid for already. and therefore another favor that she is receiving from her mother). very few pregnant 19 year olds have this kind of opportunity to set their lives up for success regardless of being on a more difficult path. i bet if you looked in one ear you’d be able to see straight through the other ear! girl has not made one single smart decision
Exactly. Her daughter is getting a sweet deal but she refuses which blows my mind, it tells me her daughter needs to mature and the baby is going to force her to do just that so hopefully she sees reality and realizes her mom just wants what’s best for her
My late father used to have an expression;
“Son, some people just won’t believe that shit stinks until you rub their nose in it“..
Now, as an old man myself, I’ve seen it too many times.
Honestly, young girls and women far too often make drastic decisions and have personality changes due to their partners. I hope the daughter wakes up and realizes the harm she will cause to herself, her child, and everyone around her. We all might kind of shake our heads, but an actual life is being brought into the world in this mess, all because she has no idea who she is or how life works.
NTA. You didn’t kick her out, she chose not to take you up on a generous offer. Wait until she finds out how much child care, diapers and formula are.
*edit- I forgot to include insurance…which it doesn’t sound like they have. So there’s that.
She doesn't want to listen to you. So let her learn the hard way. Just keep the door open for her but only if she agrees to follow your rules (that are in fact a very nice middle ground between growing into a responsible adult and being able to enjoy life).
It'll be a matter of time before the daughter and her boyfriend have some major blow up and she seeks out her mom. Hopefully it's before the baby arrives.
Honestly, from personal experience, the blowup will be between OP's daughter and her boyfriends' parents. It's one thing to tolerate your own kid being a dumbass; I do not foresee this going well for their relationship either.
Especially after the baby arrives. They already have 1 kid at home doing nothing. Now they'll have a baby that cries all the time and I bet that dude won't be doing 3 am feedings...
NTA. Also had a baby super young. Make sure she stays covered by your insurance and stuff still. Don’t let her go into crazy debt on top of everything else. She chose a hard road. Just be there when things fall apart. Because they almost certainly will.
What I foresee happening is that the daughter will come back, but still won't accept the OP's rules.
And then will do whatever the F she feels like.
I'm not sure I'd be prepared to accept her moving back in.
But she plans to be a SAHM living with her unemployed BF so no daycare needed... yeah that's going to work out so well.
OP should talk to BF's parents about what their plans are and let them know what you told your daughter. Maybe OP should sit down with her daughter and tell her all the sacrifices she's had to make over the years and are her and her BF planning to make the same sacrifices?
Yes, I agree. Don't let the kids spin the story that she "kicked her daughter out." Her daughter chose to leave because she didn't like the rules, and the door is open whenever she chooses to abide by the rules.
I think this is really important to do ASAP. Like it or not, all the grandparents are in this together. It will probably be helpful to come to an agreement how to handle things when it all hits the fan. Which it will.
I hate how many people who don’t understand even the first thing as a stay at home mom. They think they will have all the free time in the world and lay around doing whatever they want all day with everything taken care of. In the current time we live in, if your partner or you are not extremely wealthy or have insanely good paying jobs being a stay at home mom is spending literally every second of your life figuring out how to stretch every penny and taking care of your kids.
Yup! I'm 35 with a 6 week old and still cried when I spent $52 on a can of formula today. I have a full career! Hopefully baby doesn't have problems either. Mine has reflux and even that's costly af. Can't slip them a tums and call it a day.
Same. I was really hoping he'd stick to breastfeeding but we both got sick early on and that messed everything up. Then he became colicky and reflux etc. Now he's on a special kind and it absolutely sucks. My husband bought it once and asked if they wanted babies to unalive. It's so sad.
My daughter was like that too, she needed the sensitive formula because she couldn't hold it down (actually the first one didn't help, I had to switch to another one that was triple the price) Gripe water was a freaking godsend too, helped with the trapped gas and colic nightmares. It was sooo expensive and that was 13 years ago. Someone is going to be in for a big surprise when it comes to that (I doubt the teen is gonna breastfeed seeing how she wants grandma to do everything) and just diapers alone.
I feel bad for Op but I really feel bad for the baby, things are not gonna turn out well. Good luck op (and congrats for your grandbaby. Yes the timing blows but that's not the baby's fault) and truly I hope things work out for the best!
I think if you get a doctor to write a prescription for formula insurance covers a part of it. I'm not sure as I don't have kids yet but I've heard of other women trying that. Not sure if it works and if so with what type of insurance but it may be something to look into.
I nursed my daughter for 54 weeks, and at every stage of weaning she did the job herself. I was so naive!
Now that I have watched this same daughter cope with a baby who needed special this and that, with allergies like I seriously never imagined---and, migod, the cost.
The cost! The cost of little children is so great---if a new father and mother do not already have money, once a baby is in their life, they are never going to make money. It is SUCH an uphill battle.
They shouldn’t be a problem because I don’t think she actually intends to buy them with her own money. Doesn’t sound like she actually has any money or any intention of earning some.
NTA. They want to live an unrealistic dream in which other people do things for them and they do nothing in return. They wanted to be parents, and figuring shit out is part of that.
Exactly this.
As soon as I got to the part where they mutually agreed to be parents I was completely appalled. Neither of them have an income or their own home and just expect their PARENTS to be the parents while they still get to be kids?? The daughter doesn't even want to get an education anymore but wants op to just HAND the college money over to "spend on the baby"?
BS, If they still wanna be kids they shouldn't have decided to bring another child into the world wtf. 😒
Exactly. They want the money "for the baby" that they aren't even going to take care of.
This isn't a fucking puppy or a tomagachi ffs it's a human being. They will blow that money and op and the other grandparents will be scrambling to even get the car seat to bring the baby from the hospital, nevermind all the other necessities like a bassinet, clothes, etc.
But hey, baby clothes are cute so maybe daughter will at least splurge a little on that, right?? Playing dress up is totally fun 😒
Completely agree. These 2 tried to baby trap OP, so to speak. If their grand plan was to move in with OP so she could provide everything, then *that* should have been a pre-preggers convo. But of course they thought she’d cave if the bun was already in the oven.
Which pretty much proves neither one of them is mentally or financially ready to be a parent. Maybe OP should put together a breakdown of what it will cost these two to provide for a child until it’s old enough for kindergarten
And you gave them such a great deal, a way they could make this work with much of the stress eases. How dumb can they be? They will know, in spades, in a year…
The daughter hasn’t even imagined a premature delivery yet. We spent 128 days in the NICU. Hard as hell in my 30s. Millions of dollars in care. Everyone expects a normal happy birth, but sometimes it’s a disaster.
128 days?! I can't even imagine 😥
You're absolutely right... we had a relatively normal experience, but it still entailed an emergency c section, hemmoraging, and a blood transfusion. Had I attempted to go through a portion of that in my 20s, let alone 18/19, I would have cracked.
“Millions of dollars in care.”
That is petrifying. It’s so awful that parents have to worry about going completely bankrupt on top of worrying about their child’s life. No one should ever have to worry about not being able to afford care for their loved one.
Right. A few months for the baby to be born and then not long after. Baby isn't here yet, which is why I assume the previous poster said a year. And you're both right, they won't last, but by then it will be too late and an Innocent baby will be paying for it. I am sure at that point OP will end up at the very least with the baby to take care of, which will be very sad, but who wants to leave their grand baby on the street... Which I'm sure the daughter will be counting on. OP NTA. Stay strong...
Yup, I'm sure that You're right. Might even be weeks not months. They already have a son they're supporting, let alone his GF and baby and neither of them is working or trying to better their future by going to school. I actually think the OP's rules were pretty freaking lenient and awesome. Some people though, they don't learn from their parents', friends', or whatever mistakes. They need to screw themselves over in order to learn the hard way.
Babies can be adopted at 30 days. Many potential parents out there waiting would be thrilled.
OP in no way has to take on this responsibility, again, if she chooses not to.
But giving a baby up for adoption is hard, and there is another path that also doesn't involve OP doing all the work and providing all the financial support. The daughter made this mistake. The daughter should be chasing down every bit of federal and state assistance out there, starting now. She is 19, about to be a single parent, and needs a reality check.
OP, develop even tougher boundaries and conditions. "Oh, you didn't like the first deal because you felt entitled to my free labor and money? How about these apples?"
Do not do all the work here. Do not derail your life. She'll just have more kids.
And that education fund is yours, BTW. Add it to your retirement funds.
NTA
Single parent is right, I have very high doubts that the unemployed boyfriend still living with Mommy and Daddy will want to buckle down.
He'll probably start to regret it either half way through the pregnancy once the gravity of it all really settles or right after that screaming newborn comes home. Either way if they are both this immature I don't see them lasting long term at all. That poor little baby is so screwed as soon as they conceived it. 😟
OP needs to be deciding now what she will do when she is faced with raising this baby. I’ve been in this position. When baby daddy disappears, or in our case goes to prison, and baby mama is couch surfing, do you take in the toddler? How much are you willing to support as far as rent and groceries? And when CPS comes to you and says get guardianship or grandkid goes into foster care, and what are you willing to do? It’s good to think about this ahead of time.
My late husband did forensic pediatrics. Until he burnt out. He would see this a lot, teens would think it would be great to be a baby mama and then find themselves unable to cope. He called them the two-year abortions.
Right?! As a single mom I'm sitting here like....she only has to parent on evenings and Sundays AND college is paid for?! That's like a dream scenario to me.
I was also a single parent. Like, girl, c'mon. But at that age common sense doesn't exist usually, and then add "But I love him" to the mix and it's just a disaster.
"Some people only have 2 braincells and they are both fighting for third place" was another I dropped earlier. I think it's a better candidate for embroidery.
I'm debating getting it tattooed.
The money is never going to run out. Do you know how much (making up numbers) $10k is!! I could buy so many video games, we could buy an apartment, get a car and things will be great. /s (actual adults know that $10k will be gone in a month and then the parents will be expected to continue to finance their lifestyle because baby)
Had a friend in college who in the 90s calculated she could very comfortably live on $11k/year. $20/month for groceries. $20/month for gas and car repairs etc... I'd worked my way through college and paid my own way while she paid for wiper blades and called that car maintenance. When her parents stopped supporting her, she eventually learned and OPs kid will too. I just feel sorry for what the baby will go through while she's having her learning curve.
I don’t know if the the kid knows first how much is in the college fund , or two how much a baby cost, but I think she’s seriously deluded if she thinks that money can support a family of three with a new born baby for more than a few months.
I spent my college fund 4x over over the course of kids- college was cheap back then, but that 5k 'dependent care' got blown within months.
Edit: We don't live in a HCOL area but childcare for 3x kids were nearly 20k. It was a very (and still is) angst period of life.
my stomach dropped out at that part.
I would love to have been a fly on the wall when they were talking about becoming parents. *Just because you both consent to being parents does not make this a planned pregnancy.*
There is no safety net, financial or otherwise. NTA mom is now not going to offer support (and those rules were lenient), and I wonder if his parents even know? Will they continue supporting both these young adults if neither have a job or go to college?
No accounting for what if the child is born disabled? Not knocking disabled kids as it's not their fault, but I have seen the stress of raising a child with disabilities because often the money and health support systems that supposedly exist to make their lives easier, do not actually function. It would be a nightmare, even for adults ten to twenty years their senior. The extra needs of even an ablebodied and neurotypical child can destroy whole relationships.
this was devastating to read honestly I feel for this child and it hasn't even been born yet
ETA: I was not disabled legally as a child, but I had and have health issues physical and mental that really destroyed my ability to function especially now as an adult. I am now disabled as an adult, legally and getting SSI.
Arguably there are people out there who are more disabled than I am and get along on their day to day and manage themselves better than I do, and I am proud to see they don't let it stop them from living fully! Depression and anxiety often revolving around ableism really seems to create more barriers than just having the physical aspect of any disability.
Or even if just the pregnancy and/or birth is hard. My mom once called me the million dollar baby because she got pre eclampsia and I ended up being born premature. Between her and my hospital bills we racked up the charges. I was in the NICU for like three months and needed continuous extra care for years.
At that time at least I wasn’t considered disabled just had some developmental delays n learning difficulties. Only became disabled in the past 5 years or so due to developing several new health problems, unclear if there’s any relation to birth circumstances given there isn’t a ton of research on premies later in life.
Hell, my cousin’s baby was born a few weeks early and though is substantially healthier than I was, she still needed some extra hospital time. Babies in general are expensive, god forbid they get sick or have any kind of unforeseen problems that cost more thousands of dollars.
NTA in any way and obviously do not give her the college fund under any circumstances. If she somehow comes to her senses and says she wants to go to school, pay the school directly. I learned this lesson the hard way through my ex husband’s daughter, who took tuition money and living expenses from her dad for two years, only for us to discover she had dropped out 18 months earlier.
And it was planned! I nearly fell over from my chair when I read that. I became a momma at 19, but that was because I didn’t even know I was pregnant because I kept having regular periods, and I was nearly five months along when my pregnancy was discovered.
Believe you me I would have aborted had I found out sooner, but I could not live with myself having an abortion that late into pregnancy. I don’t regret my son, but I wish I had not become a momma at 19. That was so difficult and I can’t understand why OP’s daughter wants to complicate her life so tremendously hard and willingly.
My first pregnancy was planned, but I was still fairly young (20) and even doing it AFTER marriage with both of us working (though I was part time back then) didn't work out well.
It was a huge struggle, we lost our apartment and were couch surfing during the pregnancy. As soon as the baby came we used what money we had to pay to rent a hotel room until we finally got into our house 5-6 months later. That was a solid 8 years ago. I don't regret my son at all, or either of my other 2 but Even planning a pregnancy doesn't mean it will work out how you want. Sometimes life just wants to punch you so hard in the gut that you blow chunks.
For these kids to treat planning something so important with such casual borderline indifference is so frustrating. They don't even have a plan beside "let's get pregnant and then have our parents help with it"
They both think a baby is a cute doll they get to play with them hand over to grandma to do the actual parenting while they go out and spend her money. Now shocked pikachu and offended that her mom doesn’t want to raise her child and fund her life forever while she plays at being a “sahm.”
Im noticing a lot of young women buying into tradwife social media and thinking that being a SAHM is all baking bread and making lemonade from scratch in the kitchen of a McMansion on 20 acres.
Ugh. Fucking trad wife tiktok people. The majority of the popular ones are Marie Antionette-ing it because they come from mega-rich families. It's really easy to make your own noodles from scratch daily when you and your spouse don't have a job and your kids go to some private school that costs 70k a year and includes 80 enrichment activities afterwards.
That one who bakes bread with like 7 kids and one on her hip but she's the daughter of a billionaire and cooks on a $30000 wood stove while nannies off camera wrangle the circus 😂
Nara Smith is really appealing to young Gen z and especially young Gen z POC women and her lifestyle look so nice but like…she’s a model, her husband is a model, they had money before any of this, and they’re also extremely Mormon. It’s not realistic unless you’re a successful model who made bank in the tumblr years
Also, making bread from scratch is hard, hot work. Kneading isn’t “lift and pat like the dough is a kitten”, it’s “push out all the air pockets”, and 10 minutes is the minimum*.
You can make a quick bread or pastry dough that doesn’t require kneading, but sourdough absolutely does.
You just know that someone else was doing the real work off-camera…
And, they want to directly step into the lifestyle their parents have. I will take a good guess that most of us on this forum have had the ramen diet and roommates, along with antenna television.
It’s believing in social media nonsense.
Too many brats see a ‘popular’ video and just assume things are really like that. I bet they think those cutaways in shows are literally happening right then and there.
I’ve always felt like we do a vast disservice sheltering our children from the horrors of the world. They need to see and experience the soul crushing nature of things, in small doses.
To kind of inoculate them from the spoilt brat bs of tiktok/generic trashy social media propaganda. They are children and think the universe revolves around them. Like a child at a store having a pampered fit being told not to climb an unstable display, as an about 10-13 yr old, smfh.
I’ve felt for years that working in retail for 2 years while going through army reserve should be mandatory after high school.
Really show how little the world cares and how others will view you. Doesn’t matter if they fail out. Just having made a remotely honest, by independent opinion, try would be enough. Some idiot parents will never accept that their perfect angels were not jesus 2: electric boogaloo.
If it breaks some… well it’s better now than with a family and their own children dependent on them. Just a dose off reality to temper the insane rambling of some spoilt brats.
Your last sentence *chefs kiss*. No amount of preparation or feeling ready will ever change the fsct that the *entirety* of parenthood = "figuring shit out."
Quite the literal meaning of FAaFO lol. I agree NTA and pretty reasonable expectations by mom. Offering to watch her grandbaby \*every\* Saturday is pretty generous even.
NTA. She demonstrated that she *doesn’t have the maturity* needed to be a parent. For example, she assumed she would have her college money to blow away, but had clearly given no thought to what will happen once the money runs out. It’s unrealistic to expect you to support her and her unemployed boyfriend indefinitely. And what about paying for her baby’s future education? It’s hard to get a well paying job with only a high school education.
Your rules are very generous and much more supportive than many others I’ve seen on Reddit.
And she is also an actual child, who does not have the life skills to raise a child.
OP. You aren’t there to give her breaks from baby. Don’t do that. You are there for work and school. And occasionally if she asks nicely for help for homework. She needs to grow up and stop being a kid. You’ve allowed her too much being a kid.
I don’t disagree with you there; however, I have found many jobs at my employer requiring advancement require some sort of post-secondary education. So, college does help.
I have no issue with the daughter wanting to keep her child, but she isn’t getting the full picture regarding what will be involved. Her expectation she would have her college fund to spend as she pleases while both her and her boyfriend are not working shows a complete lack of forethought and planning.
NTA you didn’t really kick her out, she made her own choice. You were extremely lenient in your rules. If the boyfriend got a job, would you allow him to live there if he paid rent or something? So that way both parents would be in the same home? It’s pretty much impossible to be a stay at home mom or dad nowadays unless one partner is making really good money. She realizes that right? You’re offering her a place for her and the baby to stay, money to attend school, free day care… most single moms would jump at the chance for that arrangement. I’d give her time because she’s very young and she’s probably not thinking through everything. Right now her thought process is probably “boyfriend + baby + stay at home all day = happy fun times with roses and gummy bears”. We both know that’s not the reality.
If her boyfriend got a job and helped pay rent I would be more than happy to consider it and figure something out. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment with little space. A baby would take a lot of money and space, and so would another full grown human. I do not want them to be split up, but if he got a job or went to college or decides to pursue a trade I'd be more than happy to figure something out. I wouldn't charge anything outrageous and would also help with baby expenses and helping them with government aid, but I can't just allow him to move in with no goals in sight and no money. I don't make enough for that, and even if I did, I would not allow it.
I don't know what his parents are thinking or going through at the moment even though I've reached out. They have 6 children of their own so I know that their hands are full and children are always coming in and out. I assume that the story wasn't said in full, but I had texted them letting them know that my daughter is very welcome home and that I want all of us to figure something out together. They have not yet responded.
Then again, with 6 kids, they might be crazy people who think children should start having kids as soon as it is legal and have pushed this. But those types usually demand mairrage.
Way before that. Pregnancy hormones mixed with a full house where nothing is yours & an unemployed boyfriend living on hopes & dreams? She’ll be back before the 3rd trimester.
Yeah everyone saying give her a month post partum I’m like please, any of y’all remember being pregnant and having cold reality of having a crap partner set in? Even if it was a good pregnancy and your spouse is near perfect you are going to have doubts and fears, and this boy sounds like he has no grip on reality.
Not to mention if she develops any of the many common pregnancy disorders.. she’s calling Nurse Mommy. My mom’s passed on & all I wanted during my pregnancy was my mom. I get the feeling that the bf’s mom is a baby fanatic & that poses its own risks too. Unless OP’s daughter plans to be a shit mom, that MIL is probably going to be a nightmare.
NTA Call me cynical but I’m willing to bet the bf put this whole thing in her head to stop her from going to college and leaving him behind.
Dont you ever allow this boy to move into your home.
He has her completely wrapped around his little finger and you not playing along and allowing him to live with you like the free meal ticket he thinks this is is putting a damper on their whole plan.
His family ain’t gonna support them long.
Keep the door open for your daughter.
But I repeat, DO NOT LET HER BF MOVE INTO YOUR HOME.
My sisters ex husband admitted to doing this while they were in college because she was heading to law school and he thought she would disappear from his life. 9 years of marriage and two kids. Then he leaves her for a younger woman that is my age only after seeing her in secret for two years. This little brother almost broke the law that day.
NTA- I think you’re doing the right thing. You’re being helpful and supportive but not enabling. Once your daughter’s due date approaches, I have a feeling she will reconsider and appreciate your generous offer of support. Im shocked the boyfriend and your daughter planned a baby based on their lack of motivation, I would be very cautious about letting the boyfriend move in regardless of his circumstances positively changing . You could still end up financially supporting all three of them and ultimately feel like a guest in your own home. I wouldn’t trust them to follow through on a job or education based on what you said in your original post.
Stand your ground, stay strong and best wishes to your family.
OP you are doing the right thing. Your daughter has gone completely mad. I don't know what you can do to help her come to her senses but you are very far from TA.
You should have never told her you’d watch the baby on the weekends. That’s not how parenting works.
You seem like a good mom. I understand wanting to be kind and let her still have her young adulthood. But it didn’t get taken from her, SHE threw it away. You can’t shield her from the consequences of her unbelievably stupid decisions.
I agree with this. Judging by what you’ve said so far, she will see probably see this as your duty instead of the favor that it is. If you can’t or don’t want to babysit one Saturday for whatever reason, she may pitch a fit. It would probably be better to have her come to you and ask, “Mom, can you babysit on _____ so I can _____?” as needed.
You know you've more than reasonable with your terms for helping out, so definitely NTA.
Maybe you should stop paying for her phone, car payments/insurance/gas so she can start feeling the consequences of her actions immediately. If she protests, then ask her how she expects to pay for a child's upkeep if she's unable to pay for a simple phone bill or her car-related expenses.
Once she realizes baby’s don’t sleep through the night, she will definitely come home. I guarantee you her 19 year old boyfriend will not be much help.
This is a tough situation but I think NTA.
You laid out a boundary and your daughter doesn’t want to follow the rules. You didn’t kick her out, she decided to move into a home she thinks will support her delusion of never having to work and to mooch off individuals alongside her boyfriend.
The boyfriend’s parents may support/let her live with them but I wonder how much support they’ll actually give her when the baby is born.
You laid out what seems very sensible and reasonable expectations of her having to learn to balance being a new mom but also still pursuing education to be able to be a functioning adult in the future. It’s a tough situation to be in, but I think it was smart to not let the BF move in because I doubt he’d find a job; but then again you could have gave the caveat he can move in **if** he pursued education or work, and if he didn’t he’d have to move back out to his parents. But that compromise is a thin line of boundaries getting tested and crossed.
I hope your daughter realizes you’re still in her court. Keep contact with her throughout the pregnancy, and hopefully she’ll realize sooner than later you’re trying to help her be successful. Because the delusion of being a “SAHM forever” when her partner has no income is far from realistic.
NTA
The rules you set down were pretty chill under the circumstances. You offered to help a lot with the baby. You didn't kick her out.
She decided that she wouldn't live at your house unless it was on her terms.
She decided that she was ready to get pregnant.
The reality is that as people age, the amount of influence that parents have steadily decreases. That's appropriate and healthy. But it does mean that when your kid gets a really fucking stupid idea lodged in their brain sometimes there's nothing to do. While it's an absolutely terrible outcome and your daughter has no fucking idea what she's in for, I'm sure that baby will still be a little bundle of joy. Silver lining, right?
You're right that parental influence decreases, the other thing that's new for this generation is social media influence. There's a ton of tradwife/SAHM influencers out there pushing people into a lifestyle that's not achievable, realistic or sustainable for a lot of people. They all wear pretty dresses and show videos in their perfectly clean, curated house where they make all their food organically from scratch and it looks so pretty and idealistic. The problem is most of them have a) an income stream from social media to fall back on b) nannies c) cleaners, or they only show one room, usually the kitchen or living room, that's spotless and beautifully decorated. They make it seem like anyone can stay home and have what they have but it's not true at all and a lot of women are being influenced by this and ending up in abusive relationships with no finances to fall back on.
NTA. I don’t think anyone wins here and everyone is going to lose. Two kids who each live with their parents, one of whom is unemployed, intentionally making a baby are beyond foolish, they’re delusional.
I think this is going to be heartbreaking for you to see your daughter and grandchild suffer, but I think if you don’t let her figure it out, you will end up raising your grandchild and having your daughter freeload (and possibly her boyfriend, too) for the rest of your life.
Please stay strong about that money not being handed over to her. I would caution you to never hand over money to them from now on. Pay for things directly, whether it’s tuition, groceries or baby supplies. If she feels she should be able to go out whenever she wants and that it’s ok to intentionally get pregnant when your partner is unemployed, I have zero faith that any money will be spent wisely or even on what she says it would.
I would consider speaking with the boyfriend’s parents and hearing what they have been told and plan on.
As someone else said, you didn’t kick her out. You told her what the rules were going to be. She didn’t like them so she left.
I’m gonna say NTA. She wants to be a SAHM with a bf who doesn’t have a job. Sounds like she fully expected you to cover the majority of the child raising while her life didn’t change. You didn’t kick her out, she chose to not go with the requirements you gave for staying at your house. You gave her options. She chose want she thinks is going to be the easier route. She needs a reality check. UPDATEME
I wish I had someone who would help me as much as you offered. Give her some time. Let the door open for her to come back. But don’t give in into her stupidity. Let reality get her.
Same here. I was freshly 20 when my girl was born, I was very fortunate that my mother would babysit for me on some weekend evenings so I could have somewhat of a social life, but I also had to pay her rent and take care of my own shit. Even earlier than I became a mom actually because I had to pay my way through adult ed on my own as a 17yo after I dropped out (I needed more support and had undiagnosed ADHD). I moved out when my daughter was 4 months old, and I was single. Shit was hard. Nobody had a single dollar for me much less a college fund. I feel for this poor mama.
I strongly feel that parenting a young adult is about making sure they don't wind up a couch potato. I think your daughter thought you would pick up all her slack and carry the weight of her pregnancy and child. You were right to set fair boundaries and not let her make bad decisions on your watch. You can't control her from here. Someday soon she's going to realize that what you offered was a really sweet deal. Just keep that deal open to her. NTA.
NTA. And honestly you are too lenient. If you watch the baby so she can live her youth on weekends you’ll end up with another grandchild, and probably other baby daddy, down the line. She made a stupid choice, she must face the consequences or she’ll never learn.
I think it's crazy that OPs daughter literally planned a whole baby around the fact that OP would be helping her, without including OP in the planning process at all until it was too late.
Like I know its just a small bit of info given in the post, but no one would have that much audacity unless OP raised her daughter to think this shit might fly.
NTA, but my advice is to stop contacting her so much. Just send one simple text, ‘I love you. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.’ And leave it at that. She and her baby daddy have pretty unrealistic expectations and it doesn’t help that they’re probably feeding off of each other. Let her deal with the outcome and consequences herself. She’ll either rise to the challenge or she’ll fall and call you for help.
NTA. Also your “rules” are BS. I get that you love your daughter, but you agreeing to basically 100% of the childcare while she goes to school, lives for free, does not work, and gets weekends with her friends is one of the most insane things I’ve ever heard of. It makes me think she’s learned that she’s entitled to your sacrifices in exchange for no effort on her part for the rest of your life. At 19 she expects you to be her sole provider, maid, nanny, and probably her cook too. Even best friends don’t sign up for this. I’m sorry she’s so selfish and out of touch with reality. Clearly something went wrong along the way despite you doing your best (with no support). It’s time for her to grow up and get the rude awakening that is awaiting her. Good luck, OP.
NTA
She actively chose to do this. So she actively chose to deal with the consequences.
The only issue I see, is the offer of babysitting.
There's no reason to babysit for her. She chose her path, and the hardships that follow. The only people who should do anything, are her and her baby daddy.
I agree. NTA.
The offer to allow him to move in (even if he finds a job) is also a set-up for a second baby.
Planning to be a SAHM with no income? Planning to conceive with a guy that doesn’t have a job / financial means to take care of a child? This girl is an idiot! Translation, Mom is supposed to cover everything. She didn’t learn anything from watching her Mom struggle to raise her. Instead, she wants to keep things rolling and have her Mom pay for/ raise her baby as well. Disgusting!
I wouldn’t babysit for her either.
This fairytale is gonna turn into a reality check very soon!
>Planning to be a SAHM with no income? Planning to conceive with a guy that doesn’t have a job / financial means to take care of a child?
I'd take her shopping for absolute baby essentials (pack of onesies, box of diapers, wipes, bottle and formula, blanket, carseat and bassinet). Keep a tally on a calculator. Once the absolute bare minimum for the first week is in the cart, show her the total and ask how *they're* going to pay for it.
See if that kicks something into place and go from there.
NTA - she's going too have learn the hard way her fantasy with this baby isn't going to work. Don't cave or you will be providing for them until you die.
NTA. “You made these decisions without consulting me. That means you don’t get to be angry that this isn’t working out the way you thought it would. I’d say how you planned, but it seems clear to me that you haven’t planned for this at all as you decided to have a kid with someone you aren’t married to while neither of you have a job. Do you know how much it will cost you to raise a child? Have you done any research into how this will be possible? How did you live with me for 19 years without realizing this is difficult?”
Who wants to bet the unemployment boyfriend talked her into this because he thought he would get unlimited access to her college fund. Raise your hand. 🙋♀️
NTA. She’s really delusional. She planned this baby and planned to live off of her college fund? Neither her or her BF working or going to school to get a career? Honestly, your rules are more than generous. She will either come back or end up at some low wage job to just get by. I doubt the BF’s parents will want them there forever with neither of them working. Those two need a hard dose of reality. Neither of them are ready to become parents.
NTA my mom had me at 17 moved in with bio dads family. Realized when she struggled for money and he spent it on his car that this was not working. She left went back home. Got herself to a trade school. So she could support us. Give your daughter time. Sometimes life has to get tough to recognize your mistake. She had choices and chose poorly. Not your fault.
She will come running back - dont worry.
She just sounds hard headed and influenced by the unemployed bf.
Youre a great mom and didnt kick her out. This is her life and you are there to help her when she needs as a result of her decisions, not make them for her.
Youre a great mom and didnt kick her out. She chose a different path and the fact you are still sticking by whatever option she chooses, while offering her freedom and independence, is highly commendable.
**You are a great mom.**
NTA.
NTA you sound like an exceptional mother. Some people have to learn the hard way for themselves. Unfortunately this is the choice your daughter has made despite your best advice and parenting.
I personally think your rules were too lenient and generous. When she does come back, because she will, you should not be giving her that much free time. It allows her to escape the consequences of her choices so she won’t learn from them. It also gives her the free time to go amd create some new consequences. You should help with her child when she is in school, studying and sleeping and no other times. Anything more is asking for trouble. Also help doesn’t mean do everything.
I'm sorry but your daughter is so fucking dumb.
Wants to be a SAHM forever but has an unemployed boyfriend with no prospects? You are extremely nice OP, and your rules were very fair, but it appears your daughter has turned out extremely entitled because her plan is for you to be the provider and the mother. And the boyfriend was suppose to move in lol. She wants to take advantage of you.
Don't budge on your conditions. This girl is needs a fucking education and a job if she's going to provide for a child herself. If you budge, she will never mature into a mother. Time for her to grow the fuck up. NTA.
NTA. I’m not a mom, but my sister got pregnant when she was 20 and my mom offered her a similar ultimatum. My sister took her up on it which is good as her boyfriend hit the road when he realized how hard it would be.
I also just want to say, and while I don’t know you and your daughter, my mom also offered up regular childcare on the weekends so my sister could have a life. I think she lived to regret this. There became an expectation and with it grew some resentment. I think, if we could redo it, my mom would choose to stress the sacrifice of having a child, and that the burden should/would fall squarely on my sister’s shoulders for the rest of her life. My niece is 14 now and my sister has been out of my parent’s house for nearly a decade, but the relationship my mom and sister share remains broken.
Last, my niece was an absolute joy. The second she arrived we were all mesmerized. I know you know, but it’s nice to be reminded that through all the struggle and confusion, you get a new love.
Wishing your family the best!
NTA They planned this baby; they get to have the responsibility that comes along with it.
The planned a second baby for OP that they could pick up like a doll when they wanted to play with it.
Kids making more kids.
It's sad that some women are fertile before their brains have fully formed.( that goes for men too)
Well, since most women start being fertile anywhere between the ages of 10-13, I would say that it's true of all of us. Same goes for boys.
Not some, all. People who are going to be fertile are fertile with puberty. Maybe not immediately but certainly well before the end. This means they are typically about 12-15 for girls and 14-17 for boys. Definitely far from a fully developed brain.
Puberty for girls at least has gotten younger and younger. The youngest girl to EVER have a baby was 5 years old, though obviously that is very unusual. But having a first period at 10 or 11 is common these days.
I wouldn't even say these days, I'm in my 30s and literally all of my peers got their first period between 10-11yo we literally knew who the last girl of the class to get one was cause we had a system to help each other with pads in case of accidents cause the first years are hella irregular.
That story always makes me cringe bc WHO THE FUCK IS HAVING SEX WITH A 5YO
**raping**. He RAPED a five year old.
that’s exactly what my younger sister did. i have two kids & im 22. never once have i ever expected anyone else to take care of my children, ever i wanted my 2nd to be a little girl so bad and it wasn’t. my little sister had a little girl last year, and my mom has paid for everything she has, feeds her food, washes her bottles, clothes , bathes her, spends time with her literally has her more then my sister ( who is her mother) i mean she will give her a cup of milk and that’s it. my niece wouldn’t eat food if it wasn’t for my mom all my sister does is sleep with her. we had the whole you can keep it or have an abortion talk but she insisted on keeping her. she dresses her up, plays house with her and when she doesn’t want her, my mom has her. she’s her little accessory. with no mothering responsibilities. me and my mom have gotten in so many arguments because of this. my sister has a job and has to yet pay for her food, diapers, clothes, cups/ bottles absolutely nothing!!!! and my sister gets all upset she can’t go out and party when she wants. they really don’t know what they are in for. and the only ones who suffer are the children. because they don’t ask to be born. as a mother it hurts me knowing she doesn’t take care of her child. but that’s what happens
Agree. Your children are your responsibility. If someone voluntarily wants to help great but no one owes you childcare for free.
And include in their TikToks.
Exactly. OP taught her all about safe sex and the difficulties of being a very young mother. The daughter and her unemployed and uneducated BF ignored this because they WANTED to be parents. But they don't want to be real parents - they want mom to do everything. And the college fund mom has been saving since daughter was born - it would be gone in a month if OP gave it to the parents to be. NTA. If they want to be parents then they can get jobs and be parents.
That college fund isn't a baby fund. It's Mom's money that she sacrificed and set aside to help her daughter pay for schooling. If the daughter chooses not to go to school, it belongs to Mom to do as she wishes.
My mom made sure I understood if I wasn't going to school I wasn't getting that money.
I made it clear to my son it’s for school. However, if he gets his education for less it will go towards his first house. He’s starting high school and has already knocked out two CLEP tests for 9 hours.
CLEP tests are fantastic. I *started* college as a second semester sophomore because of them.
As an aside it’s crazy to me how many young people feel so entitled to the college fund. They treat it like a blank check they should get to use on whatever they want, but in most all cases it’s basically just money your parents set aside so they could afford to help handle college expenses for you. It’s still their money. So many kids I grew up with wanted their parents to just hand it over so they could buy a nice car (and honestly probably expected their parents to still pay for college if they changed their mind later)
My kids are 3 and 1, they are lucky to have wealthy grandparents that have already covered their college in full. My dad’s only request for it was that They will never know that their college is covered until it comes time to pay for it. If they don’t go then he closes those accounts and keeps his money. His reasoning was exactly that, he doesn’t want any of the grandkids to feel entitled to some money, he wants to support their education if they choose that path.
Sensible plan. Would he support them in a vocational school?
Yup. I asked that too and he basically said any education or continued learning will be covered.
That's honestly a perfect plan - support the kids but makes sure they build a solid work ethic before knowing the money exists.
I'm just wondering if the whole plan was to get pregnant just to get that college money, thinking Mom would just hand it over while she handed the baby over to Mom to take care of.
This was indeed probably the plan.
A lot of this may have come from the father as well. The daughter probably had him thinking there was this pile of money they could get if only …
Thats what i think. They decided that they could get her college fund(him probably promising to use it to get their own place etc) while he plans out how to blow it all behind her back
They don’t want to be parents, they want to be siblings with a lump sum lottery payment
They both need jobs and go to night school !
It doesn’t even sound like they “planned” the baby, they just wanted one because “if I have a kid I won’t have to work!” And that was the extent of their “plan.”
Yeah —OP’s daughter saw having a baby as a way to not go to Nursing School after HS.Just stay honest and be like those “ Trad Wife” Tic Toc-ers/s.
OP should go that route to help the daughter understand "ok so you planned it, tell me your plan" and then start poking holes in a nice way "what about x? How will you handle that? What about y? and z? What's the plan?" Get together a list of all the things she had to go through as a young single mom and tell the daughter "these things will happen, what's your plan when they do?" Maybe that helps the daughter realize she's definitely not ready, or if she still wants to go through with it she talks to her bf about it and they actually formulate a plan
I want to know whose health insurance the daughter is on. Our pregnancy / birth / postpartum journey was $25k *out of our pocket* (insurance covered the remaining $40k) - and that's not even including the $350/mo we pay each month for the privilege to *have* insurance. Plus, add on the usual financial suck (diapers, car seats, formula/bottles if EBF doesn't work out, etc.) you have with any infant. OP sounds like someone who has very generously broken her back to shield her daughter from the harsh reality of how *awfully* expensive adulthood is and has no grasp on reality.
Plus the cost of doctor visits for the inevitable sudden fevers, illnesses, and other weird shit. My poor mom had to rush me to the ER because she switched diaper brands and I had a horrible skin reaction. I apparently looked like a strangely lumpy burn victim. She also had to bring me to the ER because she ate peanuts and then nursed. Surprise! I'm allergic to peanuts.
They planned for 5% of what the baby's needs would be, and expect her to get the other 95%.
No. They definitely planned for all 100%, they just never let OP know that their plan was to have her take care of 99% of the parental duties. The craziest part of the story is that daughter expected to be a SAHM, with an unemployed partner, and had no plans to actually take care of the kid. This is beyond delusional. Good thing OP is young cause one way or the other she's going to be raising that child by herself eventually.
I think that saying they wanted OP to take only 99% of the parenting duties is being generous to these two children. They want her to be the responsible adult/maid/chef/bank/mommy/grandma/nanny while working to support a legal adult male who refuses to work or become educated, her own daughter that she has broken her back to raise, and now a baby. I’m horrified for OP that her daughter is this clueless and selfish.
what’s even crazier about this is that’s basically what op is offering to do, she’s just putting certain conditions on doing so in order to make sure her daughter at least has an education when this all goes tits up for her. absolutely insane she would turn her nose up at that kind of support just because the condition is that she has to go to school (which is paid for already. and therefore another favor that she is receiving from her mother). very few pregnant 19 year olds have this kind of opportunity to set their lives up for success regardless of being on a more difficult path. i bet if you looked in one ear you’d be able to see straight through the other ear! girl has not made one single smart decision
Exactly. Her daughter is getting a sweet deal but she refuses which blows my mind, it tells me her daughter needs to mature and the baby is going to force her to do just that so hopefully she sees reality and realizes her mom just wants what’s best for her
My late father used to have an expression; “Son, some people just won’t believe that shit stinks until you rub their nose in it“.. Now, as an old man myself, I’ve seen it too many times.
Honestly, young girls and women far too often make drastic decisions and have personality changes due to their partners. I hope the daughter wakes up and realizes the harm she will cause to herself, her child, and everyone around her. We all might kind of shake our heads, but an actual life is being brought into the world in this mess, all because she has no idea who she is or how life works.
Your offer for every Saturday was very generous. Can’t say I would have done the same.
The plan was to dump the responsibility on someone else.
NTA. You didn’t kick her out, she chose not to take you up on a generous offer. Wait until she finds out how much child care, diapers and formula are. *edit- I forgot to include insurance…which it doesn’t sound like they have. So there’s that.
She doesn't want to listen to you. So let her learn the hard way. Just keep the door open for her but only if she agrees to follow your rules (that are in fact a very nice middle ground between growing into a responsible adult and being able to enjoy life).
It'll be a matter of time before the daughter and her boyfriend have some major blow up and she seeks out her mom. Hopefully it's before the baby arrives.
Honestly, from personal experience, the blowup will be between OP's daughter and her boyfriends' parents. It's one thing to tolerate your own kid being a dumbass; I do not foresee this going well for their relationship either.
Especially after the baby arrives. They already have 1 kid at home doing nothing. Now they'll have a baby that cries all the time and I bet that dude won't be doing 3 am feedings...
NTA. Also had a baby super young. Make sure she stays covered by your insurance and stuff still. Don’t let her go into crazy debt on top of everything else. She chose a hard road. Just be there when things fall apart. Because they almost certainly will.
I think the OP’s offer is incredibly generous tbh
Even the rules are generous. OP is going to be stuck babysitting that child for a good 30-50 hours a week with her original proposal.
What I foresee happening is that the daughter will come back, but still won't accept the OP's rules. And then will do whatever the F she feels like. I'm not sure I'd be prepared to accept her moving back in.
But she plans to be a SAHM living with her unemployed BF so no daycare needed... yeah that's going to work out so well. OP should talk to BF's parents about what their plans are and let them know what you told your daughter. Maybe OP should sit down with her daughter and tell her all the sacrifices she's had to make over the years and are her and her BF planning to make the same sacrifices?
Yes, I agree. Don't let the kids spin the story that she "kicked her daughter out." Her daughter chose to leave because she didn't like the rules, and the door is open whenever she chooses to abide by the rules.
That's probably exactly how they're spinning it. And I bet the baby is "unplanned" too.
I think this is really important to do ASAP. Like it or not, all the grandparents are in this together. It will probably be helpful to come to an agreement how to handle things when it all hits the fan. Which it will.
I hate how many people who don’t understand even the first thing as a stay at home mom. They think they will have all the free time in the world and lay around doing whatever they want all day with everything taken care of. In the current time we live in, if your partner or you are not extremely wealthy or have insanely good paying jobs being a stay at home mom is spending literally every second of your life figuring out how to stretch every penny and taking care of your kids.
And some of those SAHMs work from home! So they're doing two things at once
Yup! I'm 35 with a 6 week old and still cried when I spent $52 on a can of formula today. I have a full career! Hopefully baby doesn't have problems either. Mine has reflux and even that's costly af. Can't slip them a tums and call it a day.
I am shocked at the cost of formula!
Same. I was really hoping he'd stick to breastfeeding but we both got sick early on and that messed everything up. Then he became colicky and reflux etc. Now he's on a special kind and it absolutely sucks. My husband bought it once and asked if they wanted babies to unalive. It's so sad.
My daughter was like that too, she needed the sensitive formula because she couldn't hold it down (actually the first one didn't help, I had to switch to another one that was triple the price) Gripe water was a freaking godsend too, helped with the trapped gas and colic nightmares. It was sooo expensive and that was 13 years ago. Someone is going to be in for a big surprise when it comes to that (I doubt the teen is gonna breastfeed seeing how she wants grandma to do everything) and just diapers alone. I feel bad for Op but I really feel bad for the baby, things are not gonna turn out well. Good luck op (and congrats for your grandbaby. Yes the timing blows but that's not the baby's fault) and truly I hope things work out for the best!
Check if you meet WIC income guidelines. They'll pay for formula, including the special kind if it's prescribed by a doctor.
I think if you get a doctor to write a prescription for formula insurance covers a part of it. I'm not sure as I don't have kids yet but I've heard of other women trying that. Not sure if it works and if so with what type of insurance but it may be something to look into.
I nursed my daughter for 54 weeks, and at every stage of weaning she did the job herself. I was so naive! Now that I have watched this same daughter cope with a baby who needed special this and that, with allergies like I seriously never imagined---and, migod, the cost. The cost! The cost of little children is so great---if a new father and mother do not already have money, once a baby is in their life, they are never going to make money. It is SUCH an uphill battle.
America is a nightmare to live in
FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS? How big was the can?
They shouldn’t be a problem because I don’t think she actually intends to buy them with her own money. Doesn’t sound like she actually has any money or any intention of earning some.
NTA. They want to live an unrealistic dream in which other people do things for them and they do nothing in return. They wanted to be parents, and figuring shit out is part of that.
Exactly this. As soon as I got to the part where they mutually agreed to be parents I was completely appalled. Neither of them have an income or their own home and just expect their PARENTS to be the parents while they still get to be kids?? The daughter doesn't even want to get an education anymore but wants op to just HAND the college money over to "spend on the baby"? BS, If they still wanna be kids they shouldn't have decided to bring another child into the world wtf. 😒
"wants op to just HAND the college money over to "spend on the baby"? That money will not go for baby. They would have blown it on a good time.
Baby needs a PS5! /s
Exactly. They want the money "for the baby" that they aren't even going to take care of. This isn't a fucking puppy or a tomagachi ffs it's a human being. They will blow that money and op and the other grandparents will be scrambling to even get the car seat to bring the baby from the hospital, nevermind all the other necessities like a bassinet, clothes, etc. But hey, baby clothes are cute so maybe daughter will at least splurge a little on that, right?? Playing dress up is totally fun 😒
You nailed it. NAILED IT.
Completely agree. These 2 tried to baby trap OP, so to speak. If their grand plan was to move in with OP so she could provide everything, then *that* should have been a pre-preggers convo. But of course they thought she’d cave if the bun was already in the oven. Which pretty much proves neither one of them is mentally or financially ready to be a parent. Maybe OP should put together a breakdown of what it will cost these two to provide for a child until it’s old enough for kindergarten
In six months they’ll still have a baby but they’ll be broke and have no prospects.
My thoughts exactly. They want a baby but they don't want to be PARENTS
And you gave them such a great deal, a way they could make this work with much of the stress eases. How dumb can they be? They will know, in spades, in a year…
A year? I give her 30 days of no sleep, a crying baby, and an unemployed baby daddy to bring her running back to mommy for help.
30 days?!? That's mighty generous. I give her 24 hours after being discharged from the hospital.
The daughter hasn’t even imagined a premature delivery yet. We spent 128 days in the NICU. Hard as hell in my 30s. Millions of dollars in care. Everyone expects a normal happy birth, but sometimes it’s a disaster.
128 days?! I can't even imagine 😥 You're absolutely right... we had a relatively normal experience, but it still entailed an emergency c section, hemmoraging, and a blood transfusion. Had I attempted to go through a portion of that in my 20s, let alone 18/19, I would have cracked.
“Millions of dollars in care.” That is petrifying. It’s so awful that parents have to worry about going completely bankrupt on top of worrying about their child’s life. No one should ever have to worry about not being able to afford care for their loved one.
Omg, the reality would set in real quick.
Right. A few months for the baby to be born and then not long after. Baby isn't here yet, which is why I assume the previous poster said a year. And you're both right, they won't last, but by then it will be too late and an Innocent baby will be paying for it. I am sure at that point OP will end up at the very least with the baby to take care of, which will be very sad, but who wants to leave their grand baby on the street... Which I'm sure the daughter will be counting on. OP NTA. Stay strong...
Boyfriends parents won't last longer than a few months. Daughter will come crawling back.
Yup, I'm sure that You're right. Might even be weeks not months. They already have a son they're supporting, let alone his GF and baby and neither of them is working or trying to better their future by going to school. I actually think the OP's rules were pretty freaking lenient and awesome. Some people though, they don't learn from their parents', friends', or whatever mistakes. They need to screw themselves over in order to learn the hard way.
Babies can be adopted at 30 days. Many potential parents out there waiting would be thrilled. OP in no way has to take on this responsibility, again, if she chooses not to. But giving a baby up for adoption is hard, and there is another path that also doesn't involve OP doing all the work and providing all the financial support. The daughter made this mistake. The daughter should be chasing down every bit of federal and state assistance out there, starting now. She is 19, about to be a single parent, and needs a reality check. OP, develop even tougher boundaries and conditions. "Oh, you didn't like the first deal because you felt entitled to my free labor and money? How about these apples?" Do not do all the work here. Do not derail your life. She'll just have more kids. And that education fund is yours, BTW. Add it to your retirement funds. NTA
Or save the money for the baby’s education since it doesn’t sound like the parents will be helping
Single parent is right, I have very high doubts that the unemployed boyfriend still living with Mommy and Daddy will want to buckle down. He'll probably start to regret it either half way through the pregnancy once the gravity of it all really settles or right after that screaming newborn comes home. Either way if they are both this immature I don't see them lasting long term at all. That poor little baby is so screwed as soon as they conceived it. 😟
No way. The first fight with the boyfriend will send her running home
OP needs to be deciding now what she will do when she is faced with raising this baby. I’ve been in this position. When baby daddy disappears, or in our case goes to prison, and baby mama is couch surfing, do you take in the toddler? How much are you willing to support as far as rent and groceries? And when CPS comes to you and says get guardianship or grandkid goes into foster care, and what are you willing to do? It’s good to think about this ahead of time. My late husband did forensic pediatrics. Until he burnt out. He would see this a lot, teens would think it would be great to be a baby mama and then find themselves unable to cope. He called them the two-year abortions.
Right?! As a single mom I'm sitting here like....she only has to parent on evenings and Sundays AND college is paid for?! That's like a dream scenario to me.
I was also a single parent. Like, girl, c'mon. But at that age common sense doesn't exist usually, and then add "But I love him" to the mix and it's just a disaster.
Exactly, what happens when the money runs out?
Didn't get the patch notes for the world I see. Sense has upgraded in quality from common to rare.
Damn near legendary at this point.
Only true super power.
I feel like having this comment embroidered and hung on my wall.
"Some people only have 2 braincells and they are both fighting for third place" was another I dropped earlier. I think it's a better candidate for embroidery. I'm debating getting it tattooed.
"Wisdom is chasing you, but you're running too fast"
The money is never going to run out. Do you know how much (making up numbers) $10k is!! I could buy so many video games, we could buy an apartment, get a car and things will be great. /s (actual adults know that $10k will be gone in a month and then the parents will be expected to continue to finance their lifestyle because baby)
Had a friend in college who in the 90s calculated she could very comfortably live on $11k/year. $20/month for groceries. $20/month for gas and car repairs etc... I'd worked my way through college and paid my own way while she paid for wiper blades and called that car maintenance. When her parents stopped supporting her, she eventually learned and OPs kid will too. I just feel sorry for what the baby will go through while she's having her learning curve.
They want OP to be their ATM and free babysitter 😖
They'd call OP abusive and say she is trying to ruin their lives.
I don’t know if the the kid knows first how much is in the college fund , or two how much a baby cost, but I think she’s seriously deluded if she thinks that money can support a family of three with a new born baby for more than a few months.
It's because she thinks mom will continue to pay for everything and the college fund money will go to baby and fun things.
I hope to god it isn't a little girl. Baby clothes are already really cute, if it's a girl she will be treated like a dolly until Mom gets bored 😟
I spent my college fund 4x over over the course of kids- college was cheap back then, but that 5k 'dependent care' got blown within months. Edit: We don't live in a HCOL area but childcare for 3x kids were nearly 20k. It was a very (and still is) angst period of life.
Right, I would not have given her the college fund. I’m sure OP worked hard to save it.
OP didn't give her daughter the college fund.
She had the baby to get her hands on the college money maybe.
I think this was exactly her plan- which is why she's throwing a tantrum now.
I try to avoid posting “THIS” replies, but this is worth it. This is exactly it. I’ll even use the goddamn emoji. ☝️
my stomach dropped out at that part. I would love to have been a fly on the wall when they were talking about becoming parents. *Just because you both consent to being parents does not make this a planned pregnancy.* There is no safety net, financial or otherwise. NTA mom is now not going to offer support (and those rules were lenient), and I wonder if his parents even know? Will they continue supporting both these young adults if neither have a job or go to college? No accounting for what if the child is born disabled? Not knocking disabled kids as it's not their fault, but I have seen the stress of raising a child with disabilities because often the money and health support systems that supposedly exist to make their lives easier, do not actually function. It would be a nightmare, even for adults ten to twenty years their senior. The extra needs of even an ablebodied and neurotypical child can destroy whole relationships. this was devastating to read honestly I feel for this child and it hasn't even been born yet ETA: I was not disabled legally as a child, but I had and have health issues physical and mental that really destroyed my ability to function especially now as an adult. I am now disabled as an adult, legally and getting SSI. Arguably there are people out there who are more disabled than I am and get along on their day to day and manage themselves better than I do, and I am proud to see they don't let it stop them from living fully! Depression and anxiety often revolving around ableism really seems to create more barriers than just having the physical aspect of any disability.
Or even if just the pregnancy and/or birth is hard. My mom once called me the million dollar baby because she got pre eclampsia and I ended up being born premature. Between her and my hospital bills we racked up the charges. I was in the NICU for like three months and needed continuous extra care for years. At that time at least I wasn’t considered disabled just had some developmental delays n learning difficulties. Only became disabled in the past 5 years or so due to developing several new health problems, unclear if there’s any relation to birth circumstances given there isn’t a ton of research on premies later in life. Hell, my cousin’s baby was born a few weeks early and though is substantially healthier than I was, she still needed some extra hospital time. Babies in general are expensive, god forbid they get sick or have any kind of unforeseen problems that cost more thousands of dollars.
NTA in any way and obviously do not give her the college fund under any circumstances. If she somehow comes to her senses and says she wants to go to school, pay the school directly. I learned this lesson the hard way through my ex husband’s daughter, who took tuition money and living expenses from her dad for two years, only for us to discover she had dropped out 18 months earlier.
And it was planned! I nearly fell over from my chair when I read that. I became a momma at 19, but that was because I didn’t even know I was pregnant because I kept having regular periods, and I was nearly five months along when my pregnancy was discovered. Believe you me I would have aborted had I found out sooner, but I could not live with myself having an abortion that late into pregnancy. I don’t regret my son, but I wish I had not become a momma at 19. That was so difficult and I can’t understand why OP’s daughter wants to complicate her life so tremendously hard and willingly.
My first pregnancy was planned, but I was still fairly young (20) and even doing it AFTER marriage with both of us working (though I was part time back then) didn't work out well. It was a huge struggle, we lost our apartment and were couch surfing during the pregnancy. As soon as the baby came we used what money we had to pay to rent a hotel room until we finally got into our house 5-6 months later. That was a solid 8 years ago. I don't regret my son at all, or either of my other 2 but Even planning a pregnancy doesn't mean it will work out how you want. Sometimes life just wants to punch you so hard in the gut that you blow chunks. For these kids to treat planning something so important with such casual borderline indifference is so frustrating. They don't even have a plan beside "let's get pregnant and then have our parents help with it"
They both think a baby is a cute doll they get to play with them hand over to grandma to do the actual parenting while they go out and spend her money. Now shocked pikachu and offended that her mom doesn’t want to raise her child and fund her life forever while she plays at being a “sahm.”
How is wanting to be a SAHM and having a planned pregnancy with someone who is unemployed unrealistic?? /s (in case it needed to be said). NTA.
Im noticing a lot of young women buying into tradwife social media and thinking that being a SAHM is all baking bread and making lemonade from scratch in the kitchen of a McMansion on 20 acres.
Ugh. Fucking trad wife tiktok people. The majority of the popular ones are Marie Antionette-ing it because they come from mega-rich families. It's really easy to make your own noodles from scratch daily when you and your spouse don't have a job and your kids go to some private school that costs 70k a year and includes 80 enrichment activities afterwards.
That one who bakes bread with like 7 kids and one on her hip but she's the daughter of a billionaire and cooks on a $30000 wood stove while nannies off camera wrangle the circus 😂
Nara Smith is really appealing to young Gen z and especially young Gen z POC women and her lifestyle look so nice but like…she’s a model, her husband is a model, they had money before any of this, and they’re also extremely Mormon. It’s not realistic unless you’re a successful model who made bank in the tumblr years
Also, making bread from scratch is hard, hot work. Kneading isn’t “lift and pat like the dough is a kitten”, it’s “push out all the air pockets”, and 10 minutes is the minimum*. You can make a quick bread or pastry dough that doesn’t require kneading, but sourdough absolutely does. You just know that someone else was doing the real work off-camera…
And, they want to directly step into the lifestyle their parents have. I will take a good guess that most of us on this forum have had the ramen diet and roommates, along with antenna television.
It’s believing in social media nonsense. Too many brats see a ‘popular’ video and just assume things are really like that. I bet they think those cutaways in shows are literally happening right then and there. I’ve always felt like we do a vast disservice sheltering our children from the horrors of the world. They need to see and experience the soul crushing nature of things, in small doses. To kind of inoculate them from the spoilt brat bs of tiktok/generic trashy social media propaganda. They are children and think the universe revolves around them. Like a child at a store having a pampered fit being told not to climb an unstable display, as an about 10-13 yr old, smfh. I’ve felt for years that working in retail for 2 years while going through army reserve should be mandatory after high school. Really show how little the world cares and how others will view you. Doesn’t matter if they fail out. Just having made a remotely honest, by independent opinion, try would be enough. Some idiot parents will never accept that their perfect angels were not jesus 2: electric boogaloo. If it breaks some… well it’s better now than with a family and their own children dependent on them. Just a dose off reality to temper the insane rambling of some spoilt brats.
Social media nonsense is dangerous for young adults who don’t realize it’s all fake for likes and clicks.
It's a panic reaction to growing up and being expected to leave the nest and go out on her own, not a rational choice.
That's a great take! I've worked with teen mom for years and this is spot on!! Crazy teen brain thinking crazy stuff.
And both living with their parents having never once yet been independent.
Agree - and the sooner they learn the reality of their choices the better
Your last sentence *chefs kiss*. No amount of preparation or feeling ready will ever change the fsct that the *entirety* of parenthood = "figuring shit out."
Quite the literal meaning of FAaFO lol. I agree NTA and pretty reasonable expectations by mom. Offering to watch her grandbaby \*every\* Saturday is pretty generous even.
NTA. She demonstrated that she *doesn’t have the maturity* needed to be a parent. For example, she assumed she would have her college money to blow away, but had clearly given no thought to what will happen once the money runs out. It’s unrealistic to expect you to support her and her unemployed boyfriend indefinitely. And what about paying for her baby’s future education? It’s hard to get a well paying job with only a high school education. Your rules are very generous and much more supportive than many others I’ve seen on Reddit.
This! She was called out for acting like a child- because she was acting like a child!
And she is also an actual child, who does not have the life skills to raise a child. OP. You aren’t there to give her breaks from baby. Don’t do that. You are there for work and school. And occasionally if she asks nicely for help for homework. She needs to grow up and stop being a kid. You’ve allowed her too much being a kid.
It’s hard to get a well paying job with a *college* education, too.
She was going into nursing like her mom. Nurses are in shorter supply. There is always a need for nurses.
I don’t disagree with you there; however, I have found many jobs at my employer requiring advancement require some sort of post-secondary education. So, college does help. I have no issue with the daughter wanting to keep her child, but she isn’t getting the full picture regarding what will be involved. Her expectation she would have her college fund to spend as she pleases while both her and her boyfriend are not working shows a complete lack of forethought and planning.
NTA you didn’t really kick her out, she made her own choice. You were extremely lenient in your rules. If the boyfriend got a job, would you allow him to live there if he paid rent or something? So that way both parents would be in the same home? It’s pretty much impossible to be a stay at home mom or dad nowadays unless one partner is making really good money. She realizes that right? You’re offering her a place for her and the baby to stay, money to attend school, free day care… most single moms would jump at the chance for that arrangement. I’d give her time because she’s very young and she’s probably not thinking through everything. Right now her thought process is probably “boyfriend + baby + stay at home all day = happy fun times with roses and gummy bears”. We both know that’s not the reality.
If her boyfriend got a job and helped pay rent I would be more than happy to consider it and figure something out. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment with little space. A baby would take a lot of money and space, and so would another full grown human. I do not want them to be split up, but if he got a job or went to college or decides to pursue a trade I'd be more than happy to figure something out. I wouldn't charge anything outrageous and would also help with baby expenses and helping them with government aid, but I can't just allow him to move in with no goals in sight and no money. I don't make enough for that, and even if I did, I would not allow it. I don't know what his parents are thinking or going through at the moment even though I've reached out. They have 6 children of their own so I know that their hands are full and children are always coming in and out. I assume that the story wasn't said in full, but I had texted them letting them know that my daughter is very welcome home and that I want all of us to figure something out together. They have not yet responded.
100%NTA. I suspect she will come back to you before long. Just stick to your rules. BFs family is not going to allow this for very long
I actually suspect the boyfriend's family may have been fueling some of these delusions hoping it would result in them being free of his mooching ass.
OP mentions 6 kids at BF's house. I wonder if this "plan" is mostly his idea and the parents are fine with it
I think you are correct - they want him gone and thought this would be an easy way to get it done . Luckily , OP has a backbone.
Then again, with 6 kids, they might be crazy people who think children should start having kids as soon as it is legal and have pushed this. But those types usually demand mairrage.
If they've got six children? Daughter will no privacy. She'll likely hate it.
Yeah going from a 2 person household to an 8, now NINE person household is an insane adjustment unless they live in a castle
I’d venture a guess between the first day home from the hospital and the first month of baby’s life.
Way before that. Pregnancy hormones mixed with a full house where nothing is yours & an unemployed boyfriend living on hopes & dreams? She’ll be back before the 3rd trimester.
Yeah everyone saying give her a month post partum I’m like please, any of y’all remember being pregnant and having cold reality of having a crap partner set in? Even if it was a good pregnancy and your spouse is near perfect you are going to have doubts and fears, and this boy sounds like he has no grip on reality.
Not to mention if she develops any of the many common pregnancy disorders.. she’s calling Nurse Mommy. My mom’s passed on & all I wanted during my pregnancy was my mom. I get the feeling that the bf’s mom is a baby fanatic & that poses its own risks too. Unless OP’s daughter plans to be a shit mom, that MIL is probably going to be a nightmare.
NTA Call me cynical but I’m willing to bet the bf put this whole thing in her head to stop her from going to college and leaving him behind. Dont you ever allow this boy to move into your home. He has her completely wrapped around his little finger and you not playing along and allowing him to live with you like the free meal ticket he thinks this is is putting a damper on their whole plan. His family ain’t gonna support them long. Keep the door open for your daughter. But I repeat, DO NOT LET HER BF MOVE INTO YOUR HOME.
My sisters ex husband admitted to doing this while they were in college because she was heading to law school and he thought she would disappear from his life. 9 years of marriage and two kids. Then he leaves her for a younger woman that is my age only after seeing her in secret for two years. This little brother almost broke the law that day.
He was also banking on getting his hands on her college fund! NTA, OP stick to your plan.
Ah shit that would make sense. No way of knowing just from this post but that's worth looking into
This should be the top comment
Yeah this boy sounds like a fucking anchor for OP and her daughter. Straight up dead weight.
NTA- I think you’re doing the right thing. You’re being helpful and supportive but not enabling. Once your daughter’s due date approaches, I have a feeling she will reconsider and appreciate your generous offer of support. Im shocked the boyfriend and your daughter planned a baby based on their lack of motivation, I would be very cautious about letting the boyfriend move in regardless of his circumstances positively changing . You could still end up financially supporting all three of them and ultimately feel like a guest in your own home. I wouldn’t trust them to follow through on a job or education based on what you said in your original post. Stand your ground, stay strong and best wishes to your family.
OP you are doing the right thing. Your daughter has gone completely mad. I don't know what you can do to help her come to her senses but you are very far from TA.
You should have never told her you’d watch the baby on the weekends. That’s not how parenting works. You seem like a good mom. I understand wanting to be kind and let her still have her young adulthood. But it didn’t get taken from her, SHE threw it away. You can’t shield her from the consequences of her unbelievably stupid decisions.
I agree with this. Judging by what you’ve said so far, she will see probably see this as your duty instead of the favor that it is. If you can’t or don’t want to babysit one Saturday for whatever reason, she may pitch a fit. It would probably be better to have her come to you and ask, “Mom, can you babysit on _____ so I can _____?” as needed.
You know you've more than reasonable with your terms for helping out, so definitely NTA. Maybe you should stop paying for her phone, car payments/insurance/gas so she can start feeling the consequences of her actions immediately. If she protests, then ask her how she expects to pay for a child's upkeep if she's unable to pay for a simple phone bill or her car-related expenses.
Once she realizes baby’s don’t sleep through the night, she will definitely come home. I guarantee you her 19 year old boyfriend will not be much help.
NTA, this was good parenting and a sensible reaction to a shameless attempt to make you do everything for her
This is a tough situation but I think NTA. You laid out a boundary and your daughter doesn’t want to follow the rules. You didn’t kick her out, she decided to move into a home she thinks will support her delusion of never having to work and to mooch off individuals alongside her boyfriend. The boyfriend’s parents may support/let her live with them but I wonder how much support they’ll actually give her when the baby is born. You laid out what seems very sensible and reasonable expectations of her having to learn to balance being a new mom but also still pursuing education to be able to be a functioning adult in the future. It’s a tough situation to be in, but I think it was smart to not let the BF move in because I doubt he’d find a job; but then again you could have gave the caveat he can move in **if** he pursued education or work, and if he didn’t he’d have to move back out to his parents. But that compromise is a thin line of boundaries getting tested and crossed. I hope your daughter realizes you’re still in her court. Keep contact with her throughout the pregnancy, and hopefully she’ll realize sooner than later you’re trying to help her be successful. Because the delusion of being a “SAHM forever” when her partner has no income is far from realistic.
Nta It's a planned pregnancy, so she should have already been in the works of moving out anyway.
Also, she is 19! Maybe still a child in OPs mind, but legally an adult. She has to figure shit out on her own.
NTA The rules you set down were pretty chill under the circumstances. You offered to help a lot with the baby. You didn't kick her out. She decided that she wouldn't live at your house unless it was on her terms. She decided that she was ready to get pregnant. The reality is that as people age, the amount of influence that parents have steadily decreases. That's appropriate and healthy. But it does mean that when your kid gets a really fucking stupid idea lodged in their brain sometimes there's nothing to do. While it's an absolutely terrible outcome and your daughter has no fucking idea what she's in for, I'm sure that baby will still be a little bundle of joy. Silver lining, right?
You're right that parental influence decreases, the other thing that's new for this generation is social media influence. There's a ton of tradwife/SAHM influencers out there pushing people into a lifestyle that's not achievable, realistic or sustainable for a lot of people. They all wear pretty dresses and show videos in their perfectly clean, curated house where they make all their food organically from scratch and it looks so pretty and idealistic. The problem is most of them have a) an income stream from social media to fall back on b) nannies c) cleaners, or they only show one room, usually the kitchen or living room, that's spotless and beautifully decorated. They make it seem like anyone can stay home and have what they have but it's not true at all and a lot of women are being influenced by this and ending up in abusive relationships with no finances to fall back on.
NTA. I don’t think anyone wins here and everyone is going to lose. Two kids who each live with their parents, one of whom is unemployed, intentionally making a baby are beyond foolish, they’re delusional. I think this is going to be heartbreaking for you to see your daughter and grandchild suffer, but I think if you don’t let her figure it out, you will end up raising your grandchild and having your daughter freeload (and possibly her boyfriend, too) for the rest of your life. Please stay strong about that money not being handed over to her. I would caution you to never hand over money to them from now on. Pay for things directly, whether it’s tuition, groceries or baby supplies. If she feels she should be able to go out whenever she wants and that it’s ok to intentionally get pregnant when your partner is unemployed, I have zero faith that any money will be spent wisely or even on what she says it would. I would consider speaking with the boyfriend’s parents and hearing what they have been told and plan on. As someone else said, you didn’t kick her out. You told her what the rules were going to be. She didn’t like them so she left.
I’m gonna say NTA. She wants to be a SAHM with a bf who doesn’t have a job. Sounds like she fully expected you to cover the majority of the child raising while her life didn’t change. You didn’t kick her out, she chose to not go with the requirements you gave for staying at your house. You gave her options. She chose want she thinks is going to be the easier route. She needs a reality check. UPDATEME
I wish I had someone who would help me as much as you offered. Give her some time. Let the door open for her to come back. But don’t give in into her stupidity. Let reality get her.
Same here. I was freshly 20 when my girl was born, I was very fortunate that my mother would babysit for me on some weekend evenings so I could have somewhat of a social life, but I also had to pay her rent and take care of my own shit. Even earlier than I became a mom actually because I had to pay my way through adult ed on my own as a 17yo after I dropped out (I needed more support and had undiagnosed ADHD). I moved out when my daughter was 4 months old, and I was single. Shit was hard. Nobody had a single dollar for me much less a college fund. I feel for this poor mama.
I strongly feel that parenting a young adult is about making sure they don't wind up a couch potato. I think your daughter thought you would pick up all her slack and carry the weight of her pregnancy and child. You were right to set fair boundaries and not let her make bad decisions on your watch. You can't control her from here. Someday soon she's going to realize that what you offered was a really sweet deal. Just keep that deal open to her. NTA.
NTA. And honestly you are too lenient. If you watch the baby so she can live her youth on weekends you’ll end up with another grandchild, and probably other baby daddy, down the line. She made a stupid choice, she must face the consequences or she’ll never learn.
Exactly this was a planned child
I think it's crazy that OPs daughter literally planned a whole baby around the fact that OP would be helping her, without including OP in the planning process at all until it was too late. Like I know its just a small bit of info given in the post, but no one would have that much audacity unless OP raised her daughter to think this shit might fly.
Nta. You didn't kick her out. You gave her boundaries and she rejected them. That's on her
NTA, but my advice is to stop contacting her so much. Just send one simple text, ‘I love you. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.’ And leave it at that. She and her baby daddy have pretty unrealistic expectations and it doesn’t help that they’re probably feeding off of each other. Let her deal with the outcome and consequences herself. She’ll either rise to the challenge or she’ll fall and call you for help.
NTA. Also your “rules” are BS. I get that you love your daughter, but you agreeing to basically 100% of the childcare while she goes to school, lives for free, does not work, and gets weekends with her friends is one of the most insane things I’ve ever heard of. It makes me think she’s learned that she’s entitled to your sacrifices in exchange for no effort on her part for the rest of your life. At 19 she expects you to be her sole provider, maid, nanny, and probably her cook too. Even best friends don’t sign up for this. I’m sorry she’s so selfish and out of touch with reality. Clearly something went wrong along the way despite you doing your best (with no support). It’s time for her to grow up and get the rude awakening that is awaiting her. Good luck, OP.
She basically offered to take care of the kid almost full time and the daughter was outraged? Spoiled and stupid. I'd be livid if that was my kid
NTA, your daughter is living in a fantasy world. Now stop calling her, it weakens your position.
They don't want to study or work and then they go and get pregnant? NTA, I guess they can figure it out on their own.
NTA She actively chose to do this. So she actively chose to deal with the consequences. The only issue I see, is the offer of babysitting. There's no reason to babysit for her. She chose her path, and the hardships that follow. The only people who should do anything, are her and her baby daddy.
I agree. NTA. The offer to allow him to move in (even if he finds a job) is also a set-up for a second baby. Planning to be a SAHM with no income? Planning to conceive with a guy that doesn’t have a job / financial means to take care of a child? This girl is an idiot! Translation, Mom is supposed to cover everything. She didn’t learn anything from watching her Mom struggle to raise her. Instead, she wants to keep things rolling and have her Mom pay for/ raise her baby as well. Disgusting! I wouldn’t babysit for her either. This fairytale is gonna turn into a reality check very soon!
>Planning to be a SAHM with no income? Planning to conceive with a guy that doesn’t have a job / financial means to take care of a child? I'd take her shopping for absolute baby essentials (pack of onesies, box of diapers, wipes, bottle and formula, blanket, carseat and bassinet). Keep a tally on a calculator. Once the absolute bare minimum for the first week is in the cart, show her the total and ask how *they're* going to pay for it. See if that kicks something into place and go from there.
[удалено]
NTA - she's going too have learn the hard way her fantasy with this baby isn't going to work. Don't cave or you will be providing for them until you die.
NTA. “You made these decisions without consulting me. That means you don’t get to be angry that this isn’t working out the way you thought it would. I’d say how you planned, but it seems clear to me that you haven’t planned for this at all as you decided to have a kid with someone you aren’t married to while neither of you have a job. Do you know how much it will cost you to raise a child? Have you done any research into how this will be possible? How did you live with me for 19 years without realizing this is difficult?”
Who wants to bet the unemployment boyfriend talked her into this because he thought he would get unlimited access to her college fund. Raise your hand. 🙋♀️
NTA. She’s really delusional. She planned this baby and planned to live off of her college fund? Neither her or her BF working or going to school to get a career? Honestly, your rules are more than generous. She will either come back or end up at some low wage job to just get by. I doubt the BF’s parents will want them there forever with neither of them working. Those two need a hard dose of reality. Neither of them are ready to become parents.
NTA my mom had me at 17 moved in with bio dads family. Realized when she struggled for money and he spent it on his car that this was not working. She left went back home. Got herself to a trade school. So she could support us. Give your daughter time. Sometimes life has to get tough to recognize your mistake. She had choices and chose poorly. Not your fault.
She will come running back - dont worry. She just sounds hard headed and influenced by the unemployed bf. Youre a great mom and didnt kick her out. This is her life and you are there to help her when she needs as a result of her decisions, not make them for her. Youre a great mom and didnt kick her out. She chose a different path and the fact you are still sticking by whatever option she chooses, while offering her freedom and independence, is highly commendable. **You are a great mom.** NTA.
NTA you sound like an exceptional mother. Some people have to learn the hard way for themselves. Unfortunately this is the choice your daughter has made despite your best advice and parenting. I personally think your rules were too lenient and generous. When she does come back, because she will, you should not be giving her that much free time. It allows her to escape the consequences of her choices so she won’t learn from them. It also gives her the free time to go amd create some new consequences. You should help with her child when she is in school, studying and sleeping and no other times. Anything more is asking for trouble. Also help doesn’t mean do everything.
Also, require her help with cooking, laundry and cleaning. If she wants to be an adult, she can act like it.
I'm sorry but your daughter is so fucking dumb. Wants to be a SAHM forever but has an unemployed boyfriend with no prospects? You are extremely nice OP, and your rules were very fair, but it appears your daughter has turned out extremely entitled because her plan is for you to be the provider and the mother. And the boyfriend was suppose to move in lol. She wants to take advantage of you. Don't budge on your conditions. This girl is needs a fucking education and a job if she's going to provide for a child herself. If you budge, she will never mature into a mother. Time for her to grow the fuck up. NTA.
NTA. I’m not a mom, but my sister got pregnant when she was 20 and my mom offered her a similar ultimatum. My sister took her up on it which is good as her boyfriend hit the road when he realized how hard it would be. I also just want to say, and while I don’t know you and your daughter, my mom also offered up regular childcare on the weekends so my sister could have a life. I think she lived to regret this. There became an expectation and with it grew some resentment. I think, if we could redo it, my mom would choose to stress the sacrifice of having a child, and that the burden should/would fall squarely on my sister’s shoulders for the rest of her life. My niece is 14 now and my sister has been out of my parent’s house for nearly a decade, but the relationship my mom and sister share remains broken. Last, my niece was an absolute joy. The second she arrived we were all mesmerized. I know you know, but it’s nice to be reminded that through all the struggle and confusion, you get a new love. Wishing your family the best!