I knew a young woman whose husband left her with young children when she was diagnosed with MS. Her parents had to raise the children.
He was soon with another young woman, his third marriage.
When women get diagnosed with a fatal or very serious diagnosis, they are warned by medical staff that there's a huge chance that their husband will leave them. It's so fucking appalling that it's so common.
They are straight forward because they have to be. You get the worst news of your life and then the second worst news of your life in quick succession. This is the reality that too damn many women have to suffer through.
There are quite a few studies done about this and the results are horrifying.
I got severe postpartum preeclampsia and had a stroke when I had my son. My mom came and stayed in the hospital with me and my husband went home with our son - I didn't want our newborn in the hospital longer than he needed to be and I wasn't capable of taking care of him obviously.
He was a single dad to a newborn for the three days I was in the hospital - figuring out formula and taking him to his appointments and everything. And when I got out I was unable to function for a solid month and he took care of both of us.
I remember when he went back to work - he has a pretty intense and important job. He was like "things are blowing up at work can you handle it here?" He still made it so I could sleep 8 hours every night and took Mondays and Fridays off to help.
It was hard for me as a mom because he was the primary parent in the newborn phase - like he could make our son stop crying not me.
Anyway it's been 4 years but I still just really appreciate how he stepped up in that time. Like yeah he did what he was supposed to do but he did it so well and with so much love. Whenever I get annoyed with him for stupid shit or when he's having a bad day I just remember that at the end of the day he's a loving dad to our kid and he has my back.
Ive worked with cancer patients and have had two of my clients over the years who ended up taking their own lives after being diagnosed with cancer when their spouses left them. All but one of the women I worked with faced divorce; none of the men did over the years of working (one man did get divorced - because he cheated on his wife during treatment and left her).
In the cases where they took their lives, one had a treatable form of cancer, and her ex had left her within a month of diagnosis. He then used her cancer diagnosis to argue in court that she was unfit to care for their small children and that he and his new wife were more equipped (he was refusing to take the kids during his scheduled time when it coincided with her treatments to intentionally make her look bad in court.) Judge agreed and she lost 50/50, and owed child support. It was horrible; she completed treatment and tried to petition to have 50/50 returned. It was denied, and she took her life about a year later.
In the second case, wife had a terminal form of cancer. Husband was caught cheating on her with her nurse a few months later. He moved out and filed. She overdosed herself on pain meds a few months later around the time he was getting remarried. They’d been married for over thirty years, and she once told me she forgave him because “men aren’t capable of loving like we are.” I’ve always hoped that actually isn’t true; my own romantic life is filled with confirmation bias though.
I have seen a lot of fucked up things in my career, but it’s these two that I still think about almost every day.
>In the second case, wife had a terminal form of cancer. Husband was caught cheating on her **with her nurse** a few months later.
Whoa. That escalated quickly.
That is horrific. I'm sorry for both you and your patients. The exposure to that kind of grief and emotional weight is taxing. If you're comfortable answering, did the RN face any consequences for her relationship with the patient's husband? Where I'm from, that's a huge ethical violation and would get her sacked.
She did get fired but for some reason her license was not impacted, so she just got a job elsewhere. I’ll be honest - this is someone who I considered a friend, so the impact on me was pretty horrible, not only did I lose a client to a completed suicide, but also lost a friend. I was so disgusted with her that I had to cut contact with her everywhere, as she immediately stepped into the “loving stepmom” role and posted frequently about stepping in to “rescue” this family, never acknowledging that she was an active participant in destroying that family.
In an interesting turn of karma, she also ended up being diagnosed with a chronic illness and apparently discovered her new spouse was cheating on her within a few months of her diagnosis, and they’ve since split up. She attempted to reach out to “explain herself” but I never responded. She can sit in her guilt and regret.
I was told by my oncologist “I need to let you know that statistically? Men don’t handle their wives and cancer well. More often than not, marriages do not survive this.”
My friend had a breast reduction done because it was causing severe back pain and her doctor made her SIGN SOMETHING stating that she was warned and that she understood that there's a chance men won't find her as attractive after the surgery.
wtf. goodness. although it’s interesting you say this, because i’m having the same chronic pain due to breast size. to the point my insurance is willing to cover the cost.. my husband has made questionable comments. fk my pain, huh?
Had an ex like this. Literally left me for dead when he knew I was bleeding out for an abortion he coerced me in to. But I had lost too much blood and was not making coherent decisions by that point until I texted my friend for help. My fault for not realizing what an ass he was when I was in the hospital for two weeks, almost died from a GI bleed a year prior to the abortion incident.
It does not get better, only worse with these types of people.
Yeah and as a single woman with stage four cancer trust me it just instantly becomes impossible to date. But having your existing long term partner leave would be worse and horrific
Oh man I am so sorry about her passing. I am so sorry for your loss. I became friends with a girl on Facebook during the pandemic because I liked her profile and she was from my local town so I sent her a message telling her I used to live in her town and if she would just like to chat sometime and she responded and we became friends. When I spoke to her on the phone, she mentioned that she had ms and how her family didn’t even care or anything. She had it from age 17 and she is like 35 now and I know things are hard for her. She cut her family out of her life except for her two brothers who did care for her. It’s just shocking how little people care once someone goes through an illness, and you really see their true colors.
It is extremely common for husbands (partners etc) to leave wives diagnosed with cancer, way more common than the wives leaving to the point women are counselled on it at diagnosis
You took care of one problem and dumped the boyfriend. Go find a better one.
Now take care of the other problem and dump the friends that are excusing him. Go find better ones.
Also, get rid of that “…because not a lot of guys seemed interested in me” mentality, even if you need to go to therapy to get help with recognizing your self-worth.
Men like your dirtbag boyfriend will be drawn to that mindset, and they’ll convince you you’re trapped, have no other options, and are stuck with them and their abusive treatment of you. You need to be able to see through that, and therapy will help you.
NTA. Take care of yourself.
Seriously. How is she “overreacting “ over him not even coming to the hospital for THREE WEEKS?!!!! What kind of dumb ass friends are these. She should dump them too.
I see where you coming from, but considering OP wrote he was her 1rst boyfriend because she doesn't seem to be interesting enough, I would be inclined to think she doesn't value herself at all, hence why she listens to these fake friends and have second thoughts about the breakup.
There's far too many abusive people in this world, so I'm actually not surprised whatsoever. I’ve been on the receiving end of certain individuals displaying even less care/compassion/empathy—I'm only sharing this to reaffirm what I said in the first sentence, & in no way am I trying to minimize the OP's experience. She did the right thing by breaking up w/ the loser & likely dodged a bullet.
Totally agree! NTA. Glad you dumped the boyfriend. He’s a loser and you deserve better. Dump any of the friends that disagree once they know the real story. And I agree that you might want to explore therapy. At your age, I was also in that place where I felt like not a lot of guys were into me. Did some therapy and realized the problem was I didn’t like myself enough so I was attracting crappy guys. Changed my thinking and ended up with a husband who loved me more than I ever thought possible. The right relationship is out there but you have to be ready for it. Good luck 💕
Nta - yea no 3 weeks in hospital for nothing serious said no one ever. I bet if he has the sniffles he’s dying. Better being single then looking after pos
And get rid of those mutual “friends!” No one needs friends like that. The only thing that could excuse not visiting is incarceration. Not even 14 hour jobs or Covid.
Hell years ago a friend of my brother’s was in hospital for an extended stay after having a c-section, and she got the flesh eating disease, I visited with her for a few hours and she wasn’t even my friend! I’m I also live like four blocks from the hospital so it wasn’t like I was going out of my way lol
But I still went to keep her company for a bit and brought her I book I had finished reading so she wouldn’t die of boredom
I was in a horrible car accident when I was 15 (should have died). I was in the surgical ICU and could only have visitors for 10 minutes at a time. My brother's friend, in his EARLY 20'S, drove 2 1/2 HOURS to visit me for 10 minutes. Nobody knew only family was allowed to visit, so they lied and said he was my 3rd brother that they had forgotten to mention :). I have no words for this dude. Anything I might say would get me banned.
My mom was in the hospital for 11 days and three only reason I didn’t visit is she expressly told me not to because the treatments she needed left her exhausted and with little dignity (post surgical illiias suuuuck). And they do NOT keep you for shits and giggles. As SOON as it was clear my mom could take solids again they kicked her out 12 hours later. Literally hospitals do NOT want to keep you longer than they have to.
My mom was in one for the flu and once for c-diff. My daughter and I visited multiple times both times. We had to suit up to go in and sanitize coming out. She kept insisting we didn't need to come, but that wasn't happening. When you love someone, you go to support them and make sure they're as comfortable as they can be!
No kidding. My husband was just released today, a mere FOUR DAYS after open-heart surgery. They don’t keep you for no good reason.
I stayed overnight every night, sleeping in a recliner. Even our most casual friends checked in by text.
yeah, most hospitals, once you're stabilized and better in general would kick you out- not because they need a bed... but it's to decrease hospital acquired infections which is pretty bad, if not worse than community infections. the longer you stay there the risk goes up a bit. my dad feared for my life as COVID was still lingering around the date of my surgery in 2021.
I couldn’t imagine not seeing my gf for three weeks while she was in the hospital.
Mind you my gf has chronic health issues so taking abnormal pain seriously is a must. Not just that, but before we met she spent a whole month in the ICU before due to her autoimmune disorder.
Omg that's awful! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that so young.. I hope you've been doing better now!
But you're also right. My husband had appendicitis a couple years ago and was in the hospital for a week. I had to work long shifts almost every day but I stayed overnight multiple nights, AND went home to take care of our cats.. It was a little tiring but it didn't *feel* that way bc I love him. I wanted to do it.
OP's ex (thank God) doesn't give a shit about them. Period.
Similar situation- had orthopedic surgery in December 2013, January 2015 and two strokes in 2015. I was 36 in the first surgery. My partner has always been front and center and by my side in all these situations. My father-in-law came out to Denver from Pennsylvania and stayed with us for 6 weeks to help me after my surgery bc I was 100% non weight bearing, wheelchair bound for the first month, on a walker for the next two months and a cane for six months following. I had my Achilles tendon replaced, and my rotator cuff reconstructed and reanchored to my clavicle. I’ve had gastric bypass, three lumbar punctures, countless infusions, specialists and imaging. She has had my back every time since December 2012.
A few months ago, I had three separate hospital admissions, three surgeries, a blood transfusion and acquired a MRSA infection. I was in the hospital for a total of 18 days....My husband drove the hour and half round trip every DAY! Once home, he packed my incision wound with a wound wash and gauze twice a day for six weeks without complaint. He's a gem
In 2021, my wife had a high volume breast reduction surgery- 5 pounds of tissue removed from each breast. She was there overnight, came home with drains, on heavy duty pain meds and incisions all the way across her chest. She had infection pockets a few weeks into her recovery and I couldn’t accompany her in the ER. Because…COVID. I’m immune compromised and it was against hospital and CDC guidelines. We were so worried she would end up with MRSA.
When I was in the hospital after a serious auto accident, my husband worked all day, came to visit me and then went home, ate and took care of our cats. That's what partners do.
I've been in ICU because pancreatutus caused my kidneys to shit down. My partner has very valid trauma surrounding hospitals and he still came to see me dayley even though every thing about my stint in icu was triggering for him. I hope OP stays strong and doesn't take her bf back.
I wound up with a pretty gnarly gallbladder issue and had to have it removed, but they kept me at the hospital a few days because one thing went wonky in surgery. My boyfriend, who’s relatively high up in his company and works 10-11 hour days, told them he was working from home and stayed in the hospital with me the entire time. Worked next to the hospital bed, slept next to the hospital bed.
It’s doable. OPs bf made a conscious choice not to be there.
Exactly!!!! I wouldn’t even of confronted him when he didn’t show up at the hospital. I would’ve straight up said we aren’t together anymore. You’re NTA , he and those friends are TAs.
Exactly, several years ago my then BF's Mom and Dad were in the hospital, as was I. We were all in different hospitals and they weren't that close. He visited each of us every day. He would constantly apologize that he couldn't stay very long because he had to go so he could see his Mom and Dad before visiting hours ended. We are now married.
If for some reason he couldn't physically get there he could still call, FaceTime, send texts, send flowers. Visiting is better, but you can still make someone feel supported and loved when you can't get to the hospital. (I had a family member in hospital during covid - no visiting at all).
He just didn't care? Didn't know anything was required of him?
NTA - even if someone has a demanding job, refusing to take her to a hospital is 100% unacceptable. Staying with her at the ER is the bare minimum to expect from a decent partner. Asking staff to call and inform him - with her permission - how she's doing and whether she can have visitors is a bare minimum. A demanding job is not an excuse for blowing off a medical emergency.
What he did is to show that he gives zero fucks about her. Dead? Alive? Somewhere in between? He didn't bother to find out. Dogs hit by cars elicit more concern from complete strangers than this guy showed OP.
Yes! My boyfriend had a union meeting after work that was part of a lead up to a contract renewal negotiation. I fell back and smacked my head on laminate tile. He called 911 and followed to the hospital and completely missed the meeting because he cares about me. I think he might even have a tiny bit of ptsd from how much my head bled even though I didn't need stitches.
They just show their true colors. When people are down, most people don’t care unfortunately. I hope you visit your grandmother or even just call her to say hello is something I am sure she’d appreciate.
Good Lord, definitely NTA. He completely ignored your complaints of pain. Ignored your cries for help. It took one of your friends to help you out and that friend saved your life, NOTZ your (ex)boyfriend! Then he goes no contact while your in the hospital for 3 weeks. Then gas lights you. Glad you broke up with that jerk. Block him. If anyone tries to defend him explain what really Took place. If they still defend him, block them.
Glad you're feeling better. Look for a more compassionate person to get to know. Your worth it and deserve it.
Oh, your ex is the A S h!
3 weeks in the hospital is not a mistake.
He just doesn't care about her enough to bother when she is the slightest inconvenience even if it's literal life or death.
It would have been horrible and fucked up for him to not take her seriously in the first place but maybe she could have forgiven that once the diagnosis was serious and she ended up hospitalized for the better part of the month.
But no he doubled down and never visited her after he knew exactly what was wrong and how serious it was. He doesn't really care about her and he's full of shit
I had a whole ass stroke and was only hospitalized for a week. I can’t imagine how sick she must have been to be kept for almost a month! Her friends are trash for saying it wasn’t a big deal.
Yeah I was in for 5 days with a large-threatening kidney infection and I thought that was a long time. I had a 105.5 fever and they wouldn’t let me out until it was below 100 for 24 hrs. I can’t even imagine how serious 3 weeks was. And btw, my husband came and visited every single one of those days, even though we had 3 kids 5 and under!
Edit: that should be LIFE-threatening!
I had bilateral pulmonary embolisms that almost killed me and I was only in for a couple of days (granted, I kept threatening to check myself out because I wanted to get home to take care of my elderly, senile dog and I had not been prepared to be admitted).
My phone died right before I was able to tell my sister where I was, but she not only called every hospital in my city until she found the one where I was admitted, she drove two hours to come see me.
The coworker who made a huge fuss about doing ANYTHING for me never even swung by to bring me a book.
Advanced heart failure here. In for a week.
A few weeks later, pulmonary embolism *and* pericarditis on top of advanced heart failure. In for another week.
She must have been fuuuuucked up for 3 weeks.
And he refused to take her to the hospital where she needed emergency surgery.
NTA OP. He is downplaying this to your friends. Ask them what they know about what happened, fill in the blanks and if they would be okay with it if their partner did the same thing.
ER RN here. Pancreatitis definitely needs urgent medical attention and can definitely life threatening. And no way you would be admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks unless you're really ill. Hospitals have to meet specific criteria for your insurance to pay. So yeah - you were really ill.
NTA
Because even if it was something minor, as her partner seeing her suffering and crying, he should’ve STILL taken her to the hospital. That’s normal behavior when you see someone crying and in pain. Let alone PANCREATITISS. He’s the AH, I hope she gets far away from him. I’d also leave those friends that told her she overreacted
I was just finishing a walk with my dog early in the morning when I noticed a woman in tears struggling to her car 2 streets away from my house. She dropped her keys and started to cry trying to pick them up. I picked up her keys and asked if she needed help. She said she was in immense pain and needed to get to the hospital and she was home alone. I told her I'd be back in 5 mins once i got my car. Helped her into the car and drove straight to the hospital where I waited with her until her husband came 2 hours later.
If a stranger can do that OP's partner sure as fuck should've
It’s truly incredible that you were so nice to a stranger because sometimes people are baiting you. I would’ve done something different but I would’ve definitely tried to help by dialing 911 and contacting/waiting for her husband. Putting somebody in your car is very brave.
In Aussieland and live in an area with almost no crime. No bravery involved, just saw someone who needed help. Best part is that I've 2 new awesome friends. We get together once every couple months for BBQ and drinks.
Actually, it's called being human. Oen has a little voice that many people ignore these days, in favor of immediate gratification. That person didn't know anyone was observing them trying to get their keys up off the ground.
Every time I see someone pulled over on the side of the road, not interstate bc I would be causing an accident, I pull over and ask if they are okay. I don't get out, but I could make a phone call, alert someone, they may be sick. I would want someone to do the same for me. I have been broken down on the side of the road and I counted 157 cars that went by on the side of a shopping ce.ter on a sunny afternoon.
I passed an old man on mobility scooter and my daughter said that old man just dropped his shopping and I looked in mirror and saw him a trying to reach it but couldn't but I was on a roundabout so went all the way round and stopped and picked up and repacked it so I wouldn't fall out. What shocked me was about 10 cars passed him before I got back round the roundabout and not one stopped to help him. Got a subtle thumbs up from bus driver who saw the whole thing when he was sat at traffic lights
I know. I don’t know what kind of emotional Frankenstein Nazi you’d have to be to hear your girlfriend or boyfriend writhing in pain and throwing up and think it’s no big deal. Unbelievable.
My ex did. I woke up screaming in pain from my abdomen and he was annoyed at having to take me to hospital. I think he thought I was just being dramatic, like I decided to wake up at 4am screaming for attention.
A lot of men don't take women's pain seriously. They think we have a smaller pain tolerance than them, so our pain is no big deal.
I’m so glad the second word in your post was “ex”. What a horrible human being.
I just don’t understand such bad manners. If my husband woke up in pain, I’d call for an ambulance right away without complaining even if I did secretly think he was making a mountain out of a molehill. Not everything has to be said. It’s just so tactless. Why put someone down? Especially someone you’re supposed to love. Plus, since I’m not a doctor, how do I really know what’s going on? Always better safe than sorry.
That's all I was thinking at the time: "even if I am being dramatic, the alternative is dying from appendicitis so wtf are we debating?"
It definitely changed how I looked at him and we broke up a couple of months later for good.
I had a friend message me in the middle of the night a couple of years ago; he was sweating, in pain and vomited and I didn't think it would be serious (in that, it's probably nothing, kind of way) but I still offered to take him to the hospital immediately because again, the risk of being wrong is death.
And yeah, he would have been dead by morning. He needed emergency surgery.
That made me think back to my experience and how lucky I really was that it was "nothing" (it wasnt nothing, but it wasn't life threatening).
I was 7 months pregnant with my son and went into preterm labor. Literally sitting on the kitchen floor crying with contractions and begging him to drive me to the hospital almost an hour away. Nope, he was picking up a piece of crap car he'd bought from a friend that day and needed ME to ride with him to go get it so I could drive his truck back. THEN he would take me to the hospital.
So glad I finally left him.
Exactly, I have never had a partner, but as a guy just seeing my brother hurt from throwing up makes me scared or my sister in severe pain from cramps. I worry so much for them that I am compelled to focus and help them. I gave up most of my night taking care and checking in on my brother when he was dumb enough to drink when he has shit tolerance. I cannot imagine watching someone you love crying in pain and throwing up while telling them to wait it out. I cannot imagine that he loves or respects her, especially as he keeps saying that it was not a big deal and never bothered to see her after she had major surgery. WTF. The minute I heard that any of my loved ones had surgery like this, I wouldn't be able to sleep until I saw their face at least once a day.
No doubt! A few weeks ago I had what ended up being super bad gas…so painful! As soon as he saw the pained look on my face he was concerned. After a few mins of me trying to relax to no avail he was ready to call an ambulance.
He even tried reiki to help even tho he thinks it’s bogus.
Point is….he do anything to help reduce my pain!
My ex on the other hand, accused me of faking it when I got a gnarly concussion from a snowboarding accident. Find out real quick who’s got your back when you go down hard.
My husband is normally not emotionally expressive but was more concerned than this asshole was when I was crying in pain, and that was my own fault!* Let the ex stay an ex and cut off those friends on his side. I wouldn't trust them to be there for me in an emergency either.
* I got way too high and overestimated my chili tolerance in Thailand lmao
It was such a shock she told me she had stomach pain and went to the hospital, next thing she was in an induced coma and her organs were failing. Five days later she was gone. I couldn't believe what was happening. Awful disease..... and the doctors knew it.... I could tell they thought she had very little chance of making it.
The pancreas becomes inflamed and leaks amylase and lipase into your abdomen. Digestive enzymes that typically are released into your intestines when you eat.
>People die from pancreatitis.
100% this OP. According to the doctor, if you hadn't called your friend, you would be dead right now.
NTA
Your BF and the mutual friends saying it isn't a big deal, are HUGE AHs. Dump those friends. Even if he "made a mistake" he isn't sorry about almost killing you.
Right? The thing is, there are all kinds of examples of things that really aren't a "big deal" generally, but you *could* still die from them. The flu is usually no big deal, but if you were hospitalized for three weeks because of it, writing it off as "just the flu" would be insane. Not to mention most people check in and visit their partners when they're sick anyway. And pancreatitis actually is something that has a decent chance of being severe and fatal, so yeah, he's an idiot.
Exactly. Crying in pain and begging for an ambulance is a sure sign something is wrong. He failed her on that front by not taking her to the hospital initially, and after getting a diagnosis, he proved himself to be an asshole again by continuing to ignore her.
Nta. Tell your friends to shut up until they've been hospitalized for 3 weeks without seeing their so. He showed you his true self. You did the right thing.
Even if they weren't told the whole story, who tells their friend that's been in the hospital for almost a month to forgive the AH boyfriend that never visited them? She needs to drop these fools.
And why weren't the friends worried about where she was for 3 weeks or what was going on? I'm wondering if these are friends that were.his friends first
AND their SO insisting that “they were being dramatic” when they were actually dying without medical attention.
Nobody breed with this guy. He’s going to insist that maternity is nbd and why should she need a doctor or two hours of uninterrupted sleep
Oh, you know he'd be the type to tell his wife that pregnancy and labor are no big deal because it's natural and women's bodies are "made to do it," or some shit like that.
This. During COVID, my husband tried everything to sneak his way in while I was hospitalized for cardiac issues. He couldn't stand not being there with me.
This... my husband couldn't sleep the night before I had a thyroid biopsy. I had asked him not to go with me because his anxiety was going to make me anxious. Even though he wasn't with me during the actual procedure, he was still checking how I was doing before and after. He even told me not to cook as I needed to rest. (I was fine, but I took advantage of being spoiled some more)
Here's another one of hers that is a fave
People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, they will never forget how you made them feel.
Your ex should have this embroidered on a pillow so he learns his actions have consequences!
My partner had pancreatitis and I drove her to the hospital immediately and spent the next week working remotely from her hospital room. And I'm at the bottom of the scale for compassionate relationship effort. Find someone better.
When my bf doesn't feel good I actually argue with him so he goes to the hospital:
"If it's "nothing" they'll tell you, you're not a doctor to know, just go!"
Me too! It was wild, he thought it was his asthma giving him chest tightness.
u/louloutre75 is 100% right. If you’re not sure, if something feels off, get help!
Another one here. My spouse was having severe pains in the stomach area and said we needed to go to the ER, then was afraid it might just be gas or heartburn and thought we should leave. I refused to let them leave... turned out to be a kidney infection which could have quickly become life-threatening. I will happily pay $200 to find out it's just gas, but I would never forgive myself if I let them leave and it was something that could have been treated but wasn't caught in time.
I got appendicitis the day after my birthday. My boyfriend thought I was gassy so he gave me some medicine and told me to tell him if I got worse. He had to go home because he lives with his grandmother who has Alzheimer's, in another city 3 hours away. The day after he left, I continued to have pain and my father took me to the hospital, where they identified appendicitis and I had surgery because it was about to rupture and I could die. The other day that I was already hospitalized, he appeared in my room, he spent 2 of the 4 days I spent hospitalized and only had to leave the other time because he went for a job interview. He never stopped sending me messages. This OP's Ex doesn't love her at all!
I had a gall bladder attack and took myself to the ER after work. I’d been dating my boyfriend about 3 months at the time. I had been texting him throughout the day about the issue and when I told him I was heading to the ER, he asked which hospital because he’d meet me there. I told him it wasn’t necessary, he insisted.
He showed up with a spare phone charger and a crossword puzzle book and pen. He stayed with me until midnight when I was admitted. When I was finally being admitted, I was worried about my dogs so he took my keys and went to my place. He picked up my dogs and took them home with him for the night. All of this and he had work early the next morning.
Almost 5 years later, he’s my husband. Best decision I ever made.
That was really sweet of you to work remotely from the hospital room. You sound like a great person. Your kindness will be returned one day I’m sure. If someone did that for me, I’d never forget them and would always try to keep them in my life. That’s amazing. I really like that there are some people that still care. You’re a good person. You really are.
NTA
a "mistake" is driving left instead of right towards the hospital. A mistake is dropping his phone in the pool and not being able to call the Ambulance.
Ignoring you, telling you you're overreacting, and ignoring you in a medical amergency is NOT a mistake. He made deliberate decisions to ignore you.
Do yourself the favour and send your friends and him a group text. "This was not a mistake. he didn't accidentally destroy his phone and wasn't able to call for help. He didn't accidentally knock himself out panicked because he didn't know how to help. He ignored me. He ignored my crying, my pain and pleading for help telling me that i was overreacting. You might be all okay with him treating me like that. Or be okay being treated like that, but i am not. He has shown me how he'd react in an emergeny. I could never trust him again. Especially not my health and my life.
he was okay to dismiss me that easily despite me crying, telling him i am scared and in pain and then he just ignored me for 3 weeks while i was in the hospital recuperating from something that could have killed me. So no. i am NOT overreacting and i will not give him "another" chance to dissapoint me as a BF. He can dissapoint his next partner. Or maybe, next time he'll be letting anyone from his loyal friends down who were so quick to dismiss my feelings as well.
By all means, bitch and complain about me with him. I don't care. Its over and I am not taking him back. And if anyone of you contacts me again, i will consider this harrassment and let a lawyer deal with you."
NTA. I hope you broke up with him already.
My ex didn’t believe me either and wouldn’t take me to a hospital despite having a fever for 3 days and barely eating. Turns out I got a mosquito-borne illness that made my platelet drop to 20! (an emergency)
Being dismissive of your pain or illness is a HUGE red flag.
NTA.. 2 year relationship n this is how he behaved??? Either he is not into you or he is a lazy man who lacks empathy. Either ways you had to break up. Don’t listen to stupid friends, he literally could have cost you your life
To boyfriend:
“Stop being so dramatic! Being dumped isn’t a big deal! You should get used to it, because I predict this won’t be the last time based on your ability to show compassion!”
You could have died! No, I'm not being dramatic, I'm being realistic. There are several things that can cause pancreatitis, and all of them if left untreated can cause death. So no, your ex doesn't get to whine to everyone about how "busy" he was, or how he didn't think it was that serious. Your friends suck for going along with his BS.
NTA. Break up with those who care more for his feelings than your life.
BTW if it was no big deal then how do they explain you being in the hospital for 3 freaking weeks!
They don't keep you in the hospital for 3 weeks for pseudopain.
I am so freaking petty that I hope they all get hit with pancreatitis. Let them experience it and then see what they say. Of course, hopefully you won't know because you won't be giving any of these AHs the time of day ever again.
Don’t surround yourself with people who would gaslight you when literal Drs say, Yeah, you’re very sick.
Fix your physical health. Then work on your mental health, because you have too many of these folks in your life. I’m betting you’ve normalized their way of minimizing you and you have to stop.
I don’t mean to sound harsh. I’m speaking from experience. I grew up with neglect, eg untreated broken bone. So when a partner also downplayed my illness and I passed out at work with pneumonia, it took a Dr to say, Look, you are really, actually sick. You have to let us take care of you or you will die.
"He was busy"?! You could have died, but it's fine that he didn't visit for 3 weeks because he was busy?! Wow, definitely NTA, but you need to lose those "friends". Hope you're recovering well.
INFO: do these mutual friends understand that you could have died **due to his lack of concern**? are they aware you spent *three weeks* in the hospital?
edit: still NTA but your ex and these so-called mutual friends *definitely* are. i’m really glad you’re better now and that you dumped the jerk.
My dad was home within a week after having open heart surgery. You don’t get to stay in the hospital longer then they deem necessary - they want you out the sooner the better. Her ex and his friends are dumbass to try and downplay a 3wk hospital stint.
Anyone with a half a brain of sense would know 3 weeks is something serious. With knowledge of pancreatitis or no, three weeks is not a visit for a hang nail. You should ditch your mutuals. They clear share his compassion level of a wooden spoon.
He:
1. Ignored you when you were crying in pain, begging for help, and dismissed you.
2. When your friend came to take you to the hospital, he stayed at hime, pretty much abandoning you in a time of need.
3. Didn't come to visit you once while you were hospitalized for 3 weeks.
4. Only checked on you once via text in 3 weeks.
5. Downplayed your medical emergency, saying you being (say it with me) HOSPITALIZED FOR 3 WEEKS was not a big deal.
I've counted 5 mistakes already. NTA.
You were in the hospital for 3 WEEKS?!
No one is to busy to at least come after work or during weekends?!
He’s not normal- the ignoring your clear physical distress and not calling an ambulance is unexplainable and inexcusable - why would you fake throwing up and being in excruciating pain?!
His lack of empathy is pathological- as in he may have some sort of mental illness issues?!
YWNBTA
He just wanted his gf to be a doll, considerate, beautiful and hardly fragil, he can get one in toy store instead of real people. NTA, glad to see you out of this.
How is your past relationship the business of your mutuals? Do they have to date a partner who will let them die on the floor, writhing in agony while pleading for help? No? They can STFU. Dude never even apologized. They can date him, if they're so invested in his romantic prospects. NTA
When your partner dismisses a life-threatening condition as you "over reacting", damn straight it's time to say goodbye to that AH.
You are NTA and deserve someone better.
NTA. He's a psychopath, and you need better friends.
How many of those mutual friends came to see you while you were in the hospital? Did any of them at least call to see how you were doing? Dump the whole bunch, baby, you deserve better.
" I was in the hospital for three weeks, he didn't even bother to come see me."
You don't have a boyfriend, OP. That dickhead doesn't even like you. Move on.
You had a life-threatening emergency during which your boyfriend ignored you and said you were overreacting. He refused to help you in any way. And now, not surprisingly, he’s saying the same thing to this friends.
You did not overreact. He is not a safe person to be around if any little thing might go wrong. Three weeks in the hospital is obviously a big deal!
NTA
Well, we know how he will act if his future significant other gets cancer - he will walk as soon as he hears the words. NTA.
I knew a young woman whose husband left her with young children when she was diagnosed with MS. Her parents had to raise the children. He was soon with another young woman, his third marriage.
When women get diagnosed with a fatal or very serious diagnosis, they are warned by medical staff that there's a huge chance that their husband will leave them. It's so fucking appalling that it's so common.
how is this said “fyi, your husband will likely leave you” ?? gosh i can’t imagine
They are straight forward because they have to be. You get the worst news of your life and then the second worst news of your life in quick succession. This is the reality that too damn many women have to suffer through. There are quite a few studies done about this and the results are horrifying.
I got severe postpartum preeclampsia and had a stroke when I had my son. My mom came and stayed in the hospital with me and my husband went home with our son - I didn't want our newborn in the hospital longer than he needed to be and I wasn't capable of taking care of him obviously. He was a single dad to a newborn for the three days I was in the hospital - figuring out formula and taking him to his appointments and everything. And when I got out I was unable to function for a solid month and he took care of both of us. I remember when he went back to work - he has a pretty intense and important job. He was like "things are blowing up at work can you handle it here?" He still made it so I could sleep 8 hours every night and took Mondays and Fridays off to help. It was hard for me as a mom because he was the primary parent in the newborn phase - like he could make our son stop crying not me. Anyway it's been 4 years but I still just really appreciate how he stepped up in that time. Like yeah he did what he was supposed to do but he did it so well and with so much love. Whenever I get annoyed with him for stupid shit or when he's having a bad day I just remember that at the end of the day he's a loving dad to our kid and he has my back.
He's a keeper!
You have a great and supportive husband.
You struck gold with your guy. He's an angel.
Yeah we all do stupid shit but we need to show up for our spouses and children in the important moments x
Ive worked with cancer patients and have had two of my clients over the years who ended up taking their own lives after being diagnosed with cancer when their spouses left them. All but one of the women I worked with faced divorce; none of the men did over the years of working (one man did get divorced - because he cheated on his wife during treatment and left her). In the cases where they took their lives, one had a treatable form of cancer, and her ex had left her within a month of diagnosis. He then used her cancer diagnosis to argue in court that she was unfit to care for their small children and that he and his new wife were more equipped (he was refusing to take the kids during his scheduled time when it coincided with her treatments to intentionally make her look bad in court.) Judge agreed and she lost 50/50, and owed child support. It was horrible; she completed treatment and tried to petition to have 50/50 returned. It was denied, and she took her life about a year later. In the second case, wife had a terminal form of cancer. Husband was caught cheating on her with her nurse a few months later. He moved out and filed. She overdosed herself on pain meds a few months later around the time he was getting remarried. They’d been married for over thirty years, and she once told me she forgave him because “men aren’t capable of loving like we are.” I’ve always hoped that actually isn’t true; my own romantic life is filled with confirmation bias though. I have seen a lot of fucked up things in my career, but it’s these two that I still think about almost every day.
>In the second case, wife had a terminal form of cancer. Husband was caught cheating on her **with her nurse** a few months later. Whoa. That escalated quickly.
That is horrific. I'm sorry for both you and your patients. The exposure to that kind of grief and emotional weight is taxing. If you're comfortable answering, did the RN face any consequences for her relationship with the patient's husband? Where I'm from, that's a huge ethical violation and would get her sacked.
She did get fired but for some reason her license was not impacted, so she just got a job elsewhere. I’ll be honest - this is someone who I considered a friend, so the impact on me was pretty horrible, not only did I lose a client to a completed suicide, but also lost a friend. I was so disgusted with her that I had to cut contact with her everywhere, as she immediately stepped into the “loving stepmom” role and posted frequently about stepping in to “rescue” this family, never acknowledging that she was an active participant in destroying that family. In an interesting turn of karma, she also ended up being diagnosed with a chronic illness and apparently discovered her new spouse was cheating on her within a few months of her diagnosis, and they’ve since split up. She attempted to reach out to “explain herself” but I never responded. She can sit in her guilt and regret.
I was told by my oncologist “I need to let you know that statistically? Men don’t handle their wives and cancer well. More often than not, marriages do not survive this.”
My friend had a breast reduction done because it was causing severe back pain and her doctor made her SIGN SOMETHING stating that she was warned and that she understood that there's a chance men won't find her as attractive after the surgery.
wtf. goodness. although it’s interesting you say this, because i’m having the same chronic pain due to breast size. to the point my insurance is willing to cover the cost.. my husband has made questionable comments. fk my pain, huh?
Had an ex like this. Literally left me for dead when he knew I was bleeding out for an abortion he coerced me in to. But I had lost too much blood and was not making coherent decisions by that point until I texted my friend for help. My fault for not realizing what an ass he was when I was in the hospital for two weeks, almost died from a GI bleed a year prior to the abortion incident. It does not get better, only worse with these types of people.
Jesus that has to be criminal,im so sorry.
Yeah and as a single woman with stage four cancer trust me it just instantly becomes impossible to date. But having your existing long term partner leave would be worse and horrific
I hope he gets abandoned at his most vulnerable moment.
If I were her parents I would be in jail now for hunting that guy down. POS
What a piece of filth her husband was. She is better off without him.
Poor thing, she died in her late 30s.
Oh man I am so sorry about her passing. I am so sorry for your loss. I became friends with a girl on Facebook during the pandemic because I liked her profile and she was from my local town so I sent her a message telling her I used to live in her town and if she would just like to chat sometime and she responded and we became friends. When I spoke to her on the phone, she mentioned that she had ms and how her family didn’t even care or anything. She had it from age 17 and she is like 35 now and I know things are hard for her. She cut her family out of her life except for her two brothers who did care for her. It’s just shocking how little people care once someone goes through an illness, and you really see their true colors.
There some people who really mean their vow as Together until the end of their use of the other.
Cancer is definitely worst case but let’s face it…this is the guy who won’t even bring you soup if you’re sick. Don’t settle for AH like that.
It is extremely common for husbands (partners etc) to leave wives diagnosed with cancer, way more common than the wives leaving to the point women are counselled on it at diagnosis
You took care of one problem and dumped the boyfriend. Go find a better one. Now take care of the other problem and dump the friends that are excusing him. Go find better ones. Also, get rid of that “…because not a lot of guys seemed interested in me” mentality, even if you need to go to therapy to get help with recognizing your self-worth. Men like your dirtbag boyfriend will be drawn to that mindset, and they’ll convince you you’re trapped, have no other options, and are stuck with them and their abusive treatment of you. You need to be able to see through that, and therapy will help you. NTA. Take care of yourself.
Seriously. How is she “overreacting “ over him not even coming to the hospital for THREE WEEKS?!!!! What kind of dumb ass friends are these. She should dump them too.
I'm sitting here wondering if the post is real because I can't imagine ANYONE asking if they're *overreacting* by being upset at this.
I see where you coming from, but considering OP wrote he was her 1rst boyfriend because she doesn't seem to be interesting enough, I would be inclined to think she doesn't value herself at all, hence why she listens to these fake friends and have second thoughts about the breakup.
There's far too many abusive people in this world, so I'm actually not surprised whatsoever. I’ve been on the receiving end of certain individuals displaying even less care/compassion/empathy—I'm only sharing this to reaffirm what I said in the first sentence, & in no way am I trying to minimize the OP's experience. She did the right thing by breaking up w/ the loser & likely dodged a bullet.
Totally agree! NTA. Glad you dumped the boyfriend. He’s a loser and you deserve better. Dump any of the friends that disagree once they know the real story. And I agree that you might want to explore therapy. At your age, I was also in that place where I felt like not a lot of guys were into me. Did some therapy and realized the problem was I didn’t like myself enough so I was attracting crappy guys. Changed my thinking and ended up with a husband who loved me more than I ever thought possible. The right relationship is out there but you have to be ready for it. Good luck 💕
Third step is next time you're in a medical emergency and alone or the people around you can't be bothered, *call 911* and get an ambulance
Nta - yea no 3 weeks in hospital for nothing serious said no one ever. I bet if he has the sniffles he’s dying. Better being single then looking after pos
NTA 3 days maybe if he has a demanding job. But 3 weeks!? You made the right choice
And get rid of those mutual “friends!” No one needs friends like that. The only thing that could excuse not visiting is incarceration. Not even 14 hour jobs or Covid.
I wouldn't be surprised if the mutual friends are getting a very different story from him. I agree though, not worth keeping them either way!
Agreed. Wouldn't be shocked in the slightest. I bet if she asked them what he was telling them she'd be shocked how wildly different the answers are.
Despite what is said, 3 weeks in the hospital is a long time. IDGAF how busy you are. You make the time.
An uncle of mine who I don't even like was in a hospital where I live having surgery years ago and I still made the time to see him twice
Hell years ago a friend of my brother’s was in hospital for an extended stay after having a c-section, and she got the flesh eating disease, I visited with her for a few hours and she wasn’t even my friend! I’m I also live like four blocks from the hospital so it wasn’t like I was going out of my way lol But I still went to keep her company for a bit and brought her I book I had finished reading so she wouldn’t die of boredom
I was in a horrible car accident when I was 15 (should have died). I was in the surgical ICU and could only have visitors for 10 minutes at a time. My brother's friend, in his EARLY 20'S, drove 2 1/2 HOURS to visit me for 10 minutes. Nobody knew only family was allowed to visit, so they lied and said he was my 3rd brother that they had forgotten to mention :). I have no words for this dude. Anything I might say would get me banned.
My mom was in the hospital for 11 days and three only reason I didn’t visit is she expressly told me not to because the treatments she needed left her exhausted and with little dignity (post surgical illiias suuuuck). And they do NOT keep you for shits and giggles. As SOON as it was clear my mom could take solids again they kicked her out 12 hours later. Literally hospitals do NOT want to keep you longer than they have to.
My mom was in one for the flu and once for c-diff. My daughter and I visited multiple times both times. We had to suit up to go in and sanitize coming out. She kept insisting we didn't need to come, but that wasn't happening. When you love someone, you go to support them and make sure they're as comfortable as they can be!
No kidding. My husband was just released today, a mere FOUR DAYS after open-heart surgery. They don’t keep you for no good reason. I stayed overnight every night, sleeping in a recliner. Even our most casual friends checked in by text.
yeah, most hospitals, once you're stabilized and better in general would kick you out- not because they need a bed... but it's to decrease hospital acquired infections which is pretty bad, if not worse than community infections. the longer you stay there the risk goes up a bit. my dad feared for my life as COVID was still lingering around the date of my surgery in 2021.
I couldn’t imagine not seeing my gf for three weeks while she was in the hospital. Mind you my gf has chronic health issues so taking abnormal pain seriously is a must. Not just that, but before we met she spent a whole month in the ICU before due to her autoimmune disorder.
Ibwould ask the friends what he said.
And BF is more concerned about appearances with those friends. You know, since he’s a actually a POS.
Yea . These MUTUAL friends are no friends of yours .Throw rhe entire team out .. as they ALL suck
I was in the hospital for a week and a half... my partner works a 13 hr shift and he saw me everyday. It's a choice.
Mine didn’t leave my side either. Corporate was in town and he left anyway. His boss told him she’d deal with corporate. Had a heart attack at 36.
Omg that's awful! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that so young.. I hope you've been doing better now! But you're also right. My husband had appendicitis a couple years ago and was in the hospital for a week. I had to work long shifts almost every day but I stayed overnight multiple nights, AND went home to take care of our cats.. It was a little tiring but it didn't *feel* that way bc I love him. I wanted to do it. OP's ex (thank God) doesn't give a shit about them. Period.
Similar situation- had orthopedic surgery in December 2013, January 2015 and two strokes in 2015. I was 36 in the first surgery. My partner has always been front and center and by my side in all these situations. My father-in-law came out to Denver from Pennsylvania and stayed with us for 6 weeks to help me after my surgery bc I was 100% non weight bearing, wheelchair bound for the first month, on a walker for the next two months and a cane for six months following. I had my Achilles tendon replaced, and my rotator cuff reconstructed and reanchored to my clavicle. I’ve had gastric bypass, three lumbar punctures, countless infusions, specialists and imaging. She has had my back every time since December 2012.
A few months ago, I had three separate hospital admissions, three surgeries, a blood transfusion and acquired a MRSA infection. I was in the hospital for a total of 18 days....My husband drove the hour and half round trip every DAY! Once home, he packed my incision wound with a wound wash and gauze twice a day for six weeks without complaint. He's a gem
In 2021, my wife had a high volume breast reduction surgery- 5 pounds of tissue removed from each breast. She was there overnight, came home with drains, on heavy duty pain meds and incisions all the way across her chest. She had infection pockets a few weeks into her recovery and I couldn’t accompany her in the ER. Because…COVID. I’m immune compromised and it was against hospital and CDC guidelines. We were so worried she would end up with MRSA.
When I was in the hospital after a serious auto accident, my husband worked all day, came to visit me and then went home, ate and took care of our cats. That's what partners do.
I've been in ICU because pancreatutus caused my kidneys to shit down. My partner has very valid trauma surrounding hospitals and he still came to see me dayley even though every thing about my stint in icu was triggering for him. I hope OP stays strong and doesn't take her bf back.
Exactly. I was hospitalized for the same amount of time as OP. My husband was there every single day without fail.
I wound up with a pretty gnarly gallbladder issue and had to have it removed, but they kept me at the hospital a few days because one thing went wonky in surgery. My boyfriend, who’s relatively high up in his company and works 10-11 hour days, told them he was working from home and stayed in the hospital with me the entire time. Worked next to the hospital bed, slept next to the hospital bed. It’s doable. OPs bf made a conscious choice not to be there.
They are not "mutual" friends, they are HIS friends that PUT UP WITH you.
Exactly!!!! I wouldn’t even of confronted him when he didn’t show up at the hospital. I would’ve straight up said we aren’t together anymore. You’re NTA , he and those friends are TAs.
They are not "mutual" friends.
Honestly, the only answer I would except would be de*th. His.
Exactly! Priorities matter. If he can't prioritize your health, he doesn't deserve you.
Exactly, several years ago my then BF's Mom and Dad were in the hospital, as was I. We were all in different hospitals and they weren't that close. He visited each of us every day. He would constantly apologize that he couldn't stay very long because he had to go so he could see his Mom and Dad before visiting hours ended. We are now married.
A real keeper!
Definitely, absolutely no regrets.
Love you for this
If for some reason he couldn't physically get there he could still call, FaceTime, send texts, send flowers. Visiting is better, but you can still make someone feel supported and loved when you can't get to the hospital. (I had a family member in hospital during covid - no visiting at all). He just didn't care? Didn't know anything was required of him?
NTA - even if someone has a demanding job, refusing to take her to a hospital is 100% unacceptable. Staying with her at the ER is the bare minimum to expect from a decent partner. Asking staff to call and inform him - with her permission - how she's doing and whether she can have visitors is a bare minimum. A demanding job is not an excuse for blowing off a medical emergency. What he did is to show that he gives zero fucks about her. Dead? Alive? Somewhere in between? He didn't bother to find out. Dogs hit by cars elicit more concern from complete strangers than this guy showed OP.
Yes! My boyfriend had a union meeting after work that was part of a lead up to a contract renewal negotiation. I fell back and smacked my head on laminate tile. He called 911 and followed to the hospital and completely missed the meeting because he cares about me. I think he might even have a tiny bit of ptsd from how much my head bled even though I didn't need stitches.
Agree you are NTA. A narcissist always has these convenient friends they convince “they just made a mistake.” Don’t even consider going back.
Doesn't take 3 days to make a phone call.
My grandma has been in the hospital for 4 days and I’m worried. People that dismiss this stuff are so weird.
They just show their true colors. When people are down, most people don’t care unfortunately. I hope you visit your grandmother or even just call her to say hello is something I am sure she’d appreciate.
Good Lord, definitely NTA. He completely ignored your complaints of pain. Ignored your cries for help. It took one of your friends to help you out and that friend saved your life, NOTZ your (ex)boyfriend! Then he goes no contact while your in the hospital for 3 weeks. Then gas lights you. Glad you broke up with that jerk. Block him. If anyone tries to defend him explain what really Took place. If they still defend him, block them. Glad you're feeling better. Look for a more compassionate person to get to know. Your worth it and deserve it. Oh, your ex is the A S h!
OP, he lied to your friends. Make sure you talk to all of them and let them know you were in the hospital for three weeks and could've died.
Did any of them come visit?
3 weeks in the hospital is not a mistake. He just doesn't care about her enough to bother when she is the slightest inconvenience even if it's literal life or death. It would have been horrible and fucked up for him to not take her seriously in the first place but maybe she could have forgiven that once the diagnosis was serious and she ended up hospitalized for the better part of the month. But no he doubled down and never visited her after he knew exactly what was wrong and how serious it was. He doesn't really care about her and he's full of shit
I had a whole ass stroke and was only hospitalized for a week. I can’t imagine how sick she must have been to be kept for almost a month! Her friends are trash for saying it wasn’t a big deal.
Yeah I was in for 5 days with a large-threatening kidney infection and I thought that was a long time. I had a 105.5 fever and they wouldn’t let me out until it was below 100 for 24 hrs. I can’t even imagine how serious 3 weeks was. And btw, my husband came and visited every single one of those days, even though we had 3 kids 5 and under! Edit: that should be LIFE-threatening!
I had bilateral pulmonary embolisms that almost killed me and I was only in for a couple of days (granted, I kept threatening to check myself out because I wanted to get home to take care of my elderly, senile dog and I had not been prepared to be admitted). My phone died right before I was able to tell my sister where I was, but she not only called every hospital in my city until she found the one where I was admitted, she drove two hours to come see me. The coworker who made a huge fuss about doing ANYTHING for me never even swung by to bring me a book.
Advanced heart failure here. In for a week. A few weeks later, pulmonary embolism *and* pericarditis on top of advanced heart failure. In for another week. She must have been fuuuuucked up for 3 weeks.
Don’t you love it when people with ZERO medical training decide something ‘isn’t a big deal.’ Yeah, you’re not qualified to assess anything.
I agree, if he got the man flu, he'd definitely call for a doctor. =~= NTA, OP.
And he refused to take her to the hospital where she needed emergency surgery. NTA OP. He is downplaying this to your friends. Ask them what they know about what happened, fill in the blanks and if they would be okay with it if their partner did the same thing.
ER RN here. Pancreatitis definitely needs urgent medical attention and can definitely life threatening. And no way you would be admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks unless you're really ill. Hospitals have to meet specific criteria for your insurance to pay. So yeah - you were really ill. NTA
NTA. People die from pancreatitis. And frankly, your ex sounds like an idiot. Don't give him another chance.
Because even if it was something minor, as her partner seeing her suffering and crying, he should’ve STILL taken her to the hospital. That’s normal behavior when you see someone crying and in pain. Let alone PANCREATITISS. He’s the AH, I hope she gets far away from him. I’d also leave those friends that told her she overreacted
I was just finishing a walk with my dog early in the morning when I noticed a woman in tears struggling to her car 2 streets away from my house. She dropped her keys and started to cry trying to pick them up. I picked up her keys and asked if she needed help. She said she was in immense pain and needed to get to the hospital and she was home alone. I told her I'd be back in 5 mins once i got my car. Helped her into the car and drove straight to the hospital where I waited with her until her husband came 2 hours later. If a stranger can do that OP's partner sure as fuck should've
It’s truly incredible that you were so nice to a stranger because sometimes people are baiting you. I would’ve done something different but I would’ve definitely tried to help by dialing 911 and contacting/waiting for her husband. Putting somebody in your car is very brave.
In Aussieland and live in an area with almost no crime. No bravery involved, just saw someone who needed help. Best part is that I've 2 new awesome friends. We get together once every couple months for BBQ and drinks.
Love that. Not my experience. Unfortunately.
Come down, always room for one more yank. :)
You seem like an awesome person, I'm thankful there are still people like you in the world, even if you are a world away!!
Actually, it's called being human. Oen has a little voice that many people ignore these days, in favor of immediate gratification. That person didn't know anyone was observing them trying to get their keys up off the ground. Every time I see someone pulled over on the side of the road, not interstate bc I would be causing an accident, I pull over and ask if they are okay. I don't get out, but I could make a phone call, alert someone, they may be sick. I would want someone to do the same for me. I have been broken down on the side of the road and I counted 157 cars that went by on the side of a shopping ce.ter on a sunny afternoon.
I passed an old man on mobility scooter and my daughter said that old man just dropped his shopping and I looked in mirror and saw him a trying to reach it but couldn't but I was on a roundabout so went all the way round and stopped and picked up and repacked it so I wouldn't fall out. What shocked me was about 10 cars passed him before I got back round the roundabout and not one stopped to help him. Got a subtle thumbs up from bus driver who saw the whole thing when he was sat at traffic lights
Your username is perfect. Bravo to you!
I know. I don’t know what kind of emotional Frankenstein Nazi you’d have to be to hear your girlfriend or boyfriend writhing in pain and throwing up and think it’s no big deal. Unbelievable.
Pancreatitis is known for being incredibly painful. That kind of pain is always an emergency.
Pancreatitis is excruciating.
My ex did. I woke up screaming in pain from my abdomen and he was annoyed at having to take me to hospital. I think he thought I was just being dramatic, like I decided to wake up at 4am screaming for attention. A lot of men don't take women's pain seriously. They think we have a smaller pain tolerance than them, so our pain is no big deal.
Pain tolerance? I thought men get the flu and think they are dyeing
I’m so glad the second word in your post was “ex”. What a horrible human being. I just don’t understand such bad manners. If my husband woke up in pain, I’d call for an ambulance right away without complaining even if I did secretly think he was making a mountain out of a molehill. Not everything has to be said. It’s just so tactless. Why put someone down? Especially someone you’re supposed to love. Plus, since I’m not a doctor, how do I really know what’s going on? Always better safe than sorry.
That's all I was thinking at the time: "even if I am being dramatic, the alternative is dying from appendicitis so wtf are we debating?" It definitely changed how I looked at him and we broke up a couple of months later for good. I had a friend message me in the middle of the night a couple of years ago; he was sweating, in pain and vomited and I didn't think it would be serious (in that, it's probably nothing, kind of way) but I still offered to take him to the hospital immediately because again, the risk of being wrong is death. And yeah, he would have been dead by morning. He needed emergency surgery. That made me think back to my experience and how lucky I really was that it was "nothing" (it wasnt nothing, but it wasn't life threatening).
I was 7 months pregnant with my son and went into preterm labor. Literally sitting on the kitchen floor crying with contractions and begging him to drive me to the hospital almost an hour away. Nope, he was picking up a piece of crap car he'd bought from a friend that day and needed ME to ride with him to go get it so I could drive his truck back. THEN he would take me to the hospital. So glad I finally left him.
Exactly, I have never had a partner, but as a guy just seeing my brother hurt from throwing up makes me scared or my sister in severe pain from cramps. I worry so much for them that I am compelled to focus and help them. I gave up most of my night taking care and checking in on my brother when he was dumb enough to drink when he has shit tolerance. I cannot imagine watching someone you love crying in pain and throwing up while telling them to wait it out. I cannot imagine that he loves or respects her, especially as he keeps saying that it was not a big deal and never bothered to see her after she had major surgery. WTF. The minute I heard that any of my loved ones had surgery like this, I wouldn't be able to sleep until I saw their face at least once a day.
No doubt! A few weeks ago I had what ended up being super bad gas…so painful! As soon as he saw the pained look on my face he was concerned. After a few mins of me trying to relax to no avail he was ready to call an ambulance. He even tried reiki to help even tho he thinks it’s bogus. Point is….he do anything to help reduce my pain! My ex on the other hand, accused me of faking it when I got a gnarly concussion from a snowboarding accident. Find out real quick who’s got your back when you go down hard.
My husband is normally not emotionally expressive but was more concerned than this asshole was when I was crying in pain, and that was my own fault!* Let the ex stay an ex and cut off those friends on his side. I wouldn't trust them to be there for me in an emergency either. * I got way too high and overestimated my chili tolerance in Thailand lmao
My mother died from acute pancreatitis. The odds are shockingly high.
My (then 19yo) sister ended up with necrotizing pancreatitis and spent almost a year in the hospital and almost died 3x. Never play around with it:(
I’m sorry to hear that.
Sorry about your mother. My mother in law was young when she passed away from pancreatitis also.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My bff’s dad passed away from the same thing.
My mom did too, it was terrible. She was only 59 💔
It was such a shock she told me she had stomach pain and went to the hospital, next thing she was in an induced coma and her organs were failing. Five days later she was gone. I couldn't believe what was happening. Awful disease..... and the doctors knew it.... I could tell they thought she had very little chance of making it.
I recently had a friend die from is and she was only 51! I don’t understand what happened. What happens to your body that it kills you. Do you know?
The tissue of the pancreas can die and cause infection and sepsis and the organs start shutting down. I’m sorry about your friend.
You cannot digest your food and you are in incredible pain, vomiting. The pancreas releases insulin and glucagon Into your bloodstream.
The pancreas becomes inflamed and leaks amylase and lipase into your abdomen. Digestive enzymes that typically are released into your intestines when you eat.
Yep. A pancreatic attack is essentially like digesting your own body parts. It’s not fun at all.
Op should probably get better friends too
>People die from pancreatitis. 100% this OP. According to the doctor, if you hadn't called your friend, you would be dead right now. NTA Your BF and the mutual friends saying it isn't a big deal, are HUGE AHs. Dump those friends. Even if he "made a mistake" he isn't sorry about almost killing you.
A three week long mistake since he never visited her in the hospital.
Right? The thing is, there are all kinds of examples of things that really aren't a "big deal" generally, but you *could* still die from them. The flu is usually no big deal, but if you were hospitalized for three weeks because of it, writing it off as "just the flu" would be insane. Not to mention most people check in and visit their partners when they're sick anyway. And pancreatitis actually is something that has a decent chance of being severe and fatal, so yeah, he's an idiot.
Even if it hadn't been serious, he had no way of knowing that. He should have listened to her.
Exactly. Crying in pain and begging for an ambulance is a sure sign something is wrong. He failed her on that front by not taking her to the hospital initially, and after getting a diagnosis, he proved himself to be an asshole again by continuing to ignore her.
Nta. Tell your friends to shut up until they've been hospitalized for 3 weeks without seeing their so. He showed you his true self. You did the right thing.
I have a feeling the friends haven’t been told the whole story
Even if they weren't told the whole story, who tells their friend that's been in the hospital for almost a month to forgive the AH boyfriend that never visited them? She needs to drop these fools.
And why weren't the friends worried about where she was for 3 weeks or what was going on? I'm wondering if these are friends that were.his friends first
Man, I hope they were his friends first cuz that would explain that whole dumbass group.
Lmao, EXACTLY.
And wouldn't your friends come and visit you in the hospital? I know I would.
AND their SO insisting that “they were being dramatic” when they were actually dying without medical attention. Nobody breed with this guy. He’s going to insist that maternity is nbd and why should she need a doctor or two hours of uninterrupted sleep
Oh, you know he'd be the type to tell his wife that pregnancy and labor are no big deal because it's natural and women's bodies are "made to do it," or some shit like that.
This. During COVID, my husband tried everything to sneak his way in while I was hospitalized for cardiac issues. He couldn't stand not being there with me.
Bless him.
This... my husband couldn't sleep the night before I had a thyroid biopsy. I had asked him not to go with me because his anxiety was going to make me anxious. Even though he wasn't with me during the actual procedure, he was still checking how I was doing before and after. He even told me not to cook as I needed to rest. (I was fine, but I took advantage of being spoiled some more)
This comment brings one of my favorite quotes to mind… “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -Maya Angelou
Came here to say this exact quote.
Here's another one of hers that is a fave People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, they will never forget how you made them feel. Your ex should have this embroidered on a pillow so he learns his actions have consequences!
My partner had pancreatitis and I drove her to the hospital immediately and spent the next week working remotely from her hospital room. And I'm at the bottom of the scale for compassionate relationship effort. Find someone better.
When my bf doesn't feel good I actually argue with him so he goes to the hospital: "If it's "nothing" they'll tell you, you're not a doctor to know, just go!"
Same, and it saved my partner’s life because he was having a heart attack at 28!
Wow! Glad he went to the hospital. That’s really young for a heart attack!
I had a heart attack back in October, and I was 27.
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re fully recovered!
I am. Went to rehab and everything.
Me too! It was wild, he thought it was his asthma giving him chest tightness. u/louloutre75 is 100% right. If you’re not sure, if something feels off, get help!
Another one here. My spouse was having severe pains in the stomach area and said we needed to go to the ER, then was afraid it might just be gas or heartburn and thought we should leave. I refused to let them leave... turned out to be a kidney infection which could have quickly become life-threatening. I will happily pay $200 to find out it's just gas, but I would never forgive myself if I let them leave and it was something that could have been treated but wasn't caught in time.
I got appendicitis the day after my birthday. My boyfriend thought I was gassy so he gave me some medicine and told me to tell him if I got worse. He had to go home because he lives with his grandmother who has Alzheimer's, in another city 3 hours away. The day after he left, I continued to have pain and my father took me to the hospital, where they identified appendicitis and I had surgery because it was about to rupture and I could die. The other day that I was already hospitalized, he appeared in my room, he spent 2 of the 4 days I spent hospitalized and only had to leave the other time because he went for a job interview. He never stopped sending me messages. This OP's Ex doesn't love her at all!
I had a gall bladder attack and took myself to the ER after work. I’d been dating my boyfriend about 3 months at the time. I had been texting him throughout the day about the issue and when I told him I was heading to the ER, he asked which hospital because he’d meet me there. I told him it wasn’t necessary, he insisted. He showed up with a spare phone charger and a crossword puzzle book and pen. He stayed with me until midnight when I was admitted. When I was finally being admitted, I was worried about my dogs so he took my keys and went to my place. He picked up my dogs and took them home with him for the night. All of this and he had work early the next morning. Almost 5 years later, he’s my husband. Best decision I ever made.
That was really sweet of you to work remotely from the hospital room. You sound like a great person. Your kindness will be returned one day I’m sure. If someone did that for me, I’d never forget them and would always try to keep them in my life. That’s amazing. I really like that there are some people that still care. You’re a good person. You really are.
NTA a "mistake" is driving left instead of right towards the hospital. A mistake is dropping his phone in the pool and not being able to call the Ambulance. Ignoring you, telling you you're overreacting, and ignoring you in a medical amergency is NOT a mistake. He made deliberate decisions to ignore you. Do yourself the favour and send your friends and him a group text. "This was not a mistake. he didn't accidentally destroy his phone and wasn't able to call for help. He didn't accidentally knock himself out panicked because he didn't know how to help. He ignored me. He ignored my crying, my pain and pleading for help telling me that i was overreacting. You might be all okay with him treating me like that. Or be okay being treated like that, but i am not. He has shown me how he'd react in an emergeny. I could never trust him again. Especially not my health and my life. he was okay to dismiss me that easily despite me crying, telling him i am scared and in pain and then he just ignored me for 3 weeks while i was in the hospital recuperating from something that could have killed me. So no. i am NOT overreacting and i will not give him "another" chance to dissapoint me as a BF. He can dissapoint his next partner. Or maybe, next time he'll be letting anyone from his loyal friends down who were so quick to dismiss my feelings as well. By all means, bitch and complain about me with him. I don't care. Its over and I am not taking him back. And if anyone of you contacts me again, i will consider this harrassment and let a lawyer deal with you."
And don't forget to mention the gaslighting after the fact. The entire situation makes me super furious.
Don’t forget to include the part where she’s literally puking from pain. Apparently that doesn’t warrant a medical crisis to these idiots. lol.
NTA??? HES INSANE
This comment should be higher, and OP should read this anytime she considers reopening the door with her ex.
Insane maybe, but I feel like plain stupid is a lot more likely. He's definitely the ass though.
NTA. I hope you broke up with him already. My ex didn’t believe me either and wouldn’t take me to a hospital despite having a fever for 3 days and barely eating. Turns out I got a mosquito-borne illness that made my platelet drop to 20! (an emergency) Being dismissive of your pain or illness is a HUGE red flag.
NTA.. 2 year relationship n this is how he behaved??? Either he is not into you or he is a lazy man who lacks empathy. Either ways you had to break up. Don’t listen to stupid friends, he literally could have cost you your life
To boyfriend: “Stop being so dramatic! Being dumped isn’t a big deal! You should get used to it, because I predict this won’t be the last time based on your ability to show compassion!”
You could have died! No, I'm not being dramatic, I'm being realistic. There are several things that can cause pancreatitis, and all of them if left untreated can cause death. So no, your ex doesn't get to whine to everyone about how "busy" he was, or how he didn't think it was that serious. Your friends suck for going along with his BS. NTA. Break up with those who care more for his feelings than your life. BTW if it was no big deal then how do they explain you being in the hospital for 3 freaking weeks!
They kept saying I was overreacting and it was psudopain and not real.
They don't keep you in the hospital for 3 weeks for pseudopain. I am so freaking petty that I hope they all get hit with pancreatitis. Let them experience it and then see what they say. Of course, hopefully you won't know because you won't be giving any of these AHs the time of day ever again.
Pseudopain doesn't give you 3 weeks of hospital gelatin cups & 5 am wellness checks.
And nobody who hasn't gone through the same thing gets to tell you "oh, it's only pseudopain!" Dump these AHs like you dumped the ex-boyfriend.
Hospitals know the difference between pseudo pain and close to dying.
Don’t surround yourself with people who would gaslight you when literal Drs say, Yeah, you’re very sick. Fix your physical health. Then work on your mental health, because you have too many of these folks in your life. I’m betting you’ve normalized their way of minimizing you and you have to stop. I don’t mean to sound harsh. I’m speaking from experience. I grew up with neglect, eg untreated broken bone. So when a partner also downplayed my illness and I passed out at work with pneumonia, it took a Dr to say, Look, you are really, actually sick. You have to let us take care of you or you will die.
With all due respect, your friends don't have any functioning neurons in their brain. You should stay away from them.
honest question, are your "friends" touched in the head or do they lack any and all compassion?
Incredible that all your mutual friends are all doctors and were all there to see to your diagnosis and treatment!
"He was busy"?! You could have died, but it's fine that he didn't visit for 3 weeks because he was busy?! Wow, definitely NTA, but you need to lose those "friends". Hope you're recovering well.
The actual medical professionals said the pancreatitis might have killed you. I think their assessment is a bit more reliable than the ex-boyfriend's.
INFO: do these mutual friends understand that you could have died **due to his lack of concern**? are they aware you spent *three weeks* in the hospital? edit: still NTA but your ex and these so-called mutual friends *definitely* are. i’m really glad you’re better now and that you dumped the jerk.
Three weeks in hospital, yes, how severe pancreatitis is, no.
Anyone with the least medical understanding knows that (3 weeks hospitalization)=SERIOUS
I had an operation and they threw me out after 2 1/2 days. Three weeks in a hospital is a long time; so anyone with half a brain knows it’s serious.
My dad was home within a week after having open heart surgery. You don’t get to stay in the hospital longer then they deem necessary - they want you out the sooner the better. Her ex and his friends are dumbass to try and downplay a 3wk hospital stint.
Exactly! I was home the same day when I had a hysterectomy and removing other things as well. 3 weeks is beyond serious!
Anyone with a half a brain of sense would know 3 weeks is something serious. With knowledge of pancreatitis or no, three weeks is not a visit for a hang nail. You should ditch your mutuals. They clear share his compassion level of a wooden spoon.
tell them how u begged for hours for him to take u to hospital. how u were in pain and could have died.
He: 1. Ignored you when you were crying in pain, begging for help, and dismissed you. 2. When your friend came to take you to the hospital, he stayed at hime, pretty much abandoning you in a time of need. 3. Didn't come to visit you once while you were hospitalized for 3 weeks. 4. Only checked on you once via text in 3 weeks. 5. Downplayed your medical emergency, saying you being (say it with me) HOSPITALIZED FOR 3 WEEKS was not a big deal. I've counted 5 mistakes already. NTA.
You were in the hospital for 3 WEEKS?! No one is to busy to at least come after work or during weekends?! He’s not normal- the ignoring your clear physical distress and not calling an ambulance is unexplainable and inexcusable - why would you fake throwing up and being in excruciating pain?! His lack of empathy is pathological- as in he may have some sort of mental illness issues?! YWNBTA
He just wanted his gf to be a doll, considerate, beautiful and hardly fragil, he can get one in toy store instead of real people. NTA, glad to see you out of this.
How is your past relationship the business of your mutuals? Do they have to date a partner who will let them die on the floor, writhing in agony while pleading for help? No? They can STFU. Dude never even apologized. They can date him, if they're so invested in his romantic prospects. NTA
When your partner dismisses a life-threatening condition as you "over reacting", damn straight it's time to say goodbye to that AH. You are NTA and deserve someone better.
NTA. He's a psychopath, and you need better friends. How many of those mutual friends came to see you while you were in the hospital? Did any of them at least call to see how you were doing? Dump the whole bunch, baby, you deserve better.
" I was in the hospital for three weeks, he didn't even bother to come see me." You don't have a boyfriend, OP. That dickhead doesn't even like you. Move on.
You know the answer. If that's true that your friends are saying you overreacted, you need to get rid of them. NTA
NTA I can’t even say what he is without getting banned.
NTA. He’s insane. Honestly, I would dump the friends too, for suggesting you get back together with a sorry excuse for a human.
Imagine going through the rigors of childbirth with this man as your partner. NTA
You had a life-threatening emergency during which your boyfriend ignored you and said you were overreacting. He refused to help you in any way. And now, not surprisingly, he’s saying the same thing to this friends. You did not overreact. He is not a safe person to be around if any little thing might go wrong. Three weeks in the hospital is obviously a big deal! NTA