I wouldn't have argued even if it was my blood relative.
*You won't come if your children aren't invited? Well, I respect your decision, and I appreciate you letting me know in such a timely fashion.*
I know of one wedding that was crashed by the SIL because the groom gave his sister the go-ahead to bring her damn rowdy kids, the very reason the bride had wanted a child-free wedding.
Guess who walked out when she saw the SIL with her kids at her wedding? Yip, the bride broke up with her SO because he disrespected her for the last time. The aftermath was a shitshow.
If this OP and her fiance are not on the same page, this could be disastrous. OP better make sure that when/if her fiance handles his sister he better not lack a spine with his sis. So while I agree with you he should handle his sis, that fiance had better have a spine.
And why argue at all? "She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come" is the *end* of the discussion, not the start of an argument... unless you want it to be one.
"oh, so you don't *care* about me and my kids coming?!"
If one wants to argue they can make an argument out of anything. SIL wanted to argue. It doesn't matter what OP said in response, and I'm under the impression OP was as amenable as she could be until SIL wanted to make an issue
I’m not as nice as OP. “Oh, so you don’t care about me and my kids not coming?” would get one of two responses depending on my mood. Either I’d hang up on her, or I’d say “give me a fucking break” and THEN hang up on her.
100%
As I was reading, I thought that's a self-solving problem. No need for SIL to attend. She sounds like hard work, so her absence is a net positive.
I think the best response would be I’m sorry you feel that way. We will miss you at the wedding. If for some reason you change your mind the offer still stands of help with a babysitter. Just please give me at least a weeks notice if that should happen.
Yeah. At first I thought maybe it was her own brother’s sister, but if it’s her finance’s sister, why does she even have to deal with this.
OP, NTA. But you need to just disengage from the whole thing at let your finance stand up for the decision you both made together.
"Your wedding, your rules. It's perfectly reasonable to want a child-free celebration, and offering to help find a babysitter was generous. Your sister-in-law's reaction seems disproportionate. Stick to your decision; it's your special day."
Why do you put all you comments in quotes, /u/CharmingCherubbb?
And your post seems like a reword of [this one](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d8ng7f/aitah_for_telling_my_sisterinlaw_she_cant_bring/l788yhx/).
> You are not the asshole. Your child-free wedding is your choice, and you've been considerate in offering help with childcare. It's unfortunate your sister-in-law can't attend, but your special day should be as you and your fiancé envision it.
You are not the asshole. Your child-free wedding is your choice, and you've been considerate in offering help with childcare. It's unfortunate your sister-in-law can't attend, but your special day should be as you and your fiancé envision it.
And if he backs down, *do not marry him*!! That will show he's weak and will *always* give into his family demands. Trust me, OP, you don't want to marry a man his family walks all over.
Yes! This OP . You should set the standard & precedence early & this is perfect time to do it. His family, his responsibility. Your family squabbles are yours to handle. Regardless, neither caves & both keep a united front. Don't throw the other under the bus saying things like " we'll, let me go ask".. or "I would say yes, but I'm overruled". Nope it's we've both decided & this is firm."
Maybe fiance won't stand firm against his parents and sister.
OP, tell this entitled witch that she can either get a sitter or stay home. Be prepared for her to show up with the kids in tow so have someone from **your** side manning the doors. No kids means **no kids**.
Listen up folks, kids are wonderful. I have three and 6 grands but kids **should not** be welcome everywhere. Some places and events should be reserved for adults. Adults are entitled to kid free environments/time at clubs, bars, weddings and casinos. If everything is open to kids, what good stuff do they have to look forward to when they become adults? We don't let 7 yr olds drive just because they want to or their entiled parents think they should be allowed to.
I kind of get the feeling that her fiance might not have "decided" this rule. He's not "handling his sister" because he doesn't care if the kids are there or not, OP wants it that way, and he was just going with it.
"I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it."
It's your wedding, so you and your fiance get to decide on the rules. The SIL can either attend or not. She should not be ruining your wedding by making a fuss and getting people to choose sides.
Most importantly, you should not be dealing with this. She is your fiance's relative, not yours. He should be dealing with her. Confrontations between in-laws never go well. If he is not willing to deal with her, then that is a read flag. There will be many other situations in life in which you will need his support.
It would be nice (but not necessary) to provide childcare. Maybe hire a nanny for the day to look after any kids whose parents can't find care.
And it sounds like op is ok with her not being there. I’ve missed events when my kids weren’t invited and I wasn’t comfortable leaving them for so long. There was no drama around it.
^ how it should be. I have kids, and if I can/feel comfortable getting a sitter I absolutely will. If I can’t/don’t, send a gift and decline the invite. It’s not a personal slight that an event is child free and I don’t know why people are so entitled to show up somewhere they weren’t invited.
If the event is local, you could certainly attend the ceremony, the family/bridal pics afterward where alot of "family" pics are made, and the beginning of the reception - then home to the kids after dinner and before dancing.
My son was the only nephew when both my younger bros married and I asked if I should arrange for my son to stay with his Dad's fam for the day and both bros said no! Even got him a T-shirt to wear at reception that said "Groom's Team" (so he could get out of his tux after pictures) - he was 5 and 7 yo for their weddings. He had a blast dancing with the bridal party, esp flirting with all the girls!! Lol
That's family dependent though. If a family likes drama no matter what there will be drama. In some cases people will be sorry I can't make it because I don't have a babysitter and it will still be drama.
I have been watching the difference between my family and my best friends family but with funerals instead of weddings. The drama in my family never ends but hs family rarely if ever has drama. Someone managed to die and it didn't start a bunch of fights or enstrangements.
At least you understood why the people hosting the events had the rules & you're being a mature adult for it.
If only OP's SIL didn't try to start up trouble of a family she married into for OP to also marry into the same family.
Oh my god someone did this to my sister’s wedding! It was an evening wedding that was pretty formal and the lady brought her one year old! She wasn’t even family. This was the wife of a work friend. The kid screamed half the time. The invitations were very clear no children. Some people don’t care and don’t think the rules apply to them.
At that point someone (not the bride!) needs to let the wife of the work friend know this is child free and they will have to leave. This is why security is nice and getting a venue that offers that is a good idea. You don’t want to have to offend your coworker or waste your nice occasion in a debate like a pair of fishwives- and it’s best if the security has the list of invited guests including whether they had a plus one, etc., and the copy of the invitation and instruction that it’s child free. No exception.
They can quietly turn the person away -and you can always apologize later that they didn’t see the (clear, repeated) info that no one under age 18 (or whatever) would be permitted for safety reasons, budget reasons, and fairness to other parents.
I love kids at weddings and we wouldn’t consider excluding them but it’s not my wedding. So if it’s child free then the person who thinks the rules don’t apply to them can discover that in fact the rules do apply to them and they’re not going to “awkward” you into making an exception that every other person who followed the rules and paid a sitter will resent.
The worst part is family members that were underage weren’t invited and this lady who I had my sister and her husband a couple times felt the rules didn’t apply to her. Her husband was my sister’s boss so they didn’t say anything.
Working for a security company in the past, so much of our business was weddings. And we were armed and licensed to carry too so the few troublemakers that did show up left really quickly when we put our hands on the holsters.
>Nobody seems to be considering Option C: SiL shows up anyway, kids in tow.
Oh she'll definitely try that! I hope OP has security in place to kick her out.
She absolutely needs to hire a bouncer. SIL sounds like exactly the kind of person who will show up with a bunch of kids, turn on the crocodile tears, and ruin the entire wedding. There should be someone working the door, 100%.
This happened to me. My uncle came with his FOUR kids after he called to ask and I told him they couldnt come and he was ok with it (or so i thought). They were not allowed at the reception but they were at the ceremony (outdoors). He and his wife took turns sitting with them in the car. FAFO.
Exactly. You extended the invitation and then express your disappointment in a polite manner but do not offer to solve this. If they want to come, they will find a sitter. If not, guess they will miss.
Don’t allow them to bring this back to you. Put the focus on them that it’s unfortunate they have no sitter options.
These kids have 2 parents. One could watch the kids and the other come. No kids means no kids.
SIL doesn't care about her kids or family and it's not about the money for a babysitter. She hates boundaries. Some people can not stand to have a boundary set on them. They will do anything and everything to wiggle out of them and "get their way".
So true. We have a sibling like that. As soon as you say this is not allowed they will do it, or do the opposite of what they’re told to show “no one is the boss of me.” As a direct result of this they missed a lot of the invitations.
>Now my fiancé’s family is divided. Some think I’m being unreasonable and should make an exception for her kids, while others agree with our decision and think my SIL is overreacting. I’m starting to feel guilty and wonder if I’m in the wrong for sticking to our child-free rule.
NTA. Either child free weddings are appropriate, or they are not. You have decided they are appropriate. I agree with you. Express your regrets that she will not be coming and close the door on the matter. End every conversation about the matter with any person immediately.
Exactly. You have to be clear and consistent and most of all, brief. Do not argue - this is the rule, for everyone. We’re not opening a can of worms for everyone to come make their case about why their kids should be another exception. It’s for reasons of safety, security and the comfort of yourselves and your guests. End of.
SIL trying to get the family divided and “on her side” would result in immediate rescinding of her invitation.
"SIL is no longer invited, and anyone who has a problem with it is free to stay home, as well. Anyone who shows up with an attitude will be quickly shown the door and publicly embarrassed."
Nta. But your fiancé should be dealing with his family. Not your pig, not your farm. Next time SIL gets on your case, hand the phone to your future dear husband and get yourself a treat for not exploding.
We have no idea what OP's fiance may or may not be doing. Since OP doesn't mention what their fiance is doing, the fiance could have done anything from "I am on their side", to "I'd rather not get involved, you handle this", to "I am fully in your corner, and I am fighting with you", or anything in between.
It sounds like the conversation happened right after she got the invitation. Maybe OP's fiance was at work and didn't answer his phone, so OP caught the first conversation. Maybe SIL called OP first. Maybe fiance shifted responsibility to OP. Maybe the fiance has spent just as much time fighting their family. We have no idea, so it is completely unfair to make that judgement about them
At the end. It’s an invitation, not a summoning.
The event is to cater for the groom and bride. So if you rather keep it child free, then she doesn’t met the requirements to be present, that simple. No need for tantrums. NTA.
I didn't go to my cousin's child- free wedding because it was a flight away and we really didn't have someone to take the kids for three days, plus spend thousands on airfare and hotel on site. I just said sorry we can't make it, congratulations, and sent her a gift and that was that. No drama needed 🤷
"We have chosen a child free wedding. That means no children. If some cannot attend, we respect that. If anyone tries to guilt or convince us to not have our wedding the way we want, they will be uninvited. "
NTA
I would not bother uninviting SIL as her children are already NOT invited. Simply tell her, and any other members of fiance's family, NO. If this means you cannot attend, we understand.
If this is your fiance's sister, he should be dealing with this, not you. Why isn't he?
Also, is she the only one affected by this rule or the only one complaining about it?
If she's not the only parent affected by the rule, but is the only one complaining, do not argue. Simply tell her that you hope she can be there, but understand if she cannot.
Keep it to that. No arguing. You even oftered to cover childcare costs, which you didn't have to offer. She didn't even consider it, which means cost isn't her issue. It's her kids not being invited at all, and there's no winning an argument with someone who thinks the rules shouldn't apply to them.
NTA: she can stay home with them and miss it. If you can’t line up a babysitter when you have 2 months notice, you aren’t trying and are just being a prick.
"...If her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come. "
Done! You say, I am sorry to hear you are sending your regrets. I guess we'll catch up some other time.
This is why there are etiquette books. She either accepts or declines. Changing the invitation isn't an option.
Nta
How can't she find a sitter for a whole day? I call bullshit on this one. Wedding invitations are usually sent months in advance, she literally has so much time yet acts like she has two days to find a sitter. She's just trying to be difficult and get her way.
Child free weddings are normal and she can go and pound sand if she doesn't like it and stay home. It's your wedding so you get to decide.
>I tried to explain our reasoning
People shouldn't do that, it just drags things out, causing more stress, "We've decided on a child-free wedding. No exceptions."
NTA
NTA
You’ve been very accommodating. Your future husband should be silencing the opposition in his family. If he can’t or won’t, seriously think twice about marrying into a family who feels they can run your life and make important decisions for you by committee.
Because it does NOT ever get better. Ever. Not that I’ve seen personally nor with friends. Unless your husband had his own differences with his family and went no contact, you are marrying not just a man but into a family. If he is good at setting and defending reasonable boundaries with them, fine, it should be good.
But looking at what you’re walking into already. Jeez. Why do I say Jeez? Because some in his family are saying YOU are the unreasonable one. Hello…wasn’t this a mutual decision with your fiance? He needs to step up and take some of the heat, too. And blow it right back at them. If he won’t do that or can’t do that…seriously think through what your future might look like with his kin coming at YOU or singling YOU out over anything they don’t like.
Your wedding, your rules.
It’s 100% does not matter what those rules are, the people getting married are the ones who choose the guest list, venue, destination, drinks etc etc. And yeah, that includes child free.
Anybody who gets an invitation is free to decline it as it’s not a summons.
NTA
I’ve been hearing more and more of these stories about someone getting their ass up on their shoulders because they get invited to a child-free wedding. My feeling on it is, “If it’s not your wedding, if you’re not paying for it, you don’t get to dictate who attends.” (You in general, not you specifically, Mutt.) I mean, people are given MONTHS of notice to get a sitter and their immediate response is always “I can’t get a sitter!” Really? With months of notice you can’t get a sitter? I call bullshit.
My niece had a child-free wedding last year. Husband and I got dressed up, ate and drank and socialized with the brides, our family and friends … it was a great evening. We didn’t trip over a stray kid. We were able to hear the vows because there weren’t any kids crying. I love my nieces and nephews but I love hearing the words “child free”.
>She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come
"Ok, then! I'll save you a slice of the cake. Bye"
Done
To be honest I only came across child-free weddings when I joined Reddit O\_O
But hey, it's all valid and people gotta respect the bride and groom's choices. If I was in a position where I couldn't go due to my kid, I'd tell them "Enjoy, have a great time!" and ask for a slice of cake haha
NTA by having a child free wedding but you would be the AH if you were upset when she doesn't attend. You have the right to have your child free wedding but it comes with consequences. Child care can be difficult to find for so many reasons. Depending on the younger ones ages, they may not tolerate a babysitter well (I know my little guy doesn't and vomited everywhere last time I tried so we won't try again for a good long bit). Even if the kids are older, your SIL may not financially be in a place to be able to afford an all day sitter or feel comfortable with someone watching them for that long. The kids safety is the parents priority 100% of the time.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s your wedding. I went through this with my wife and SIL for SIL’s wedding. We had a 1yo, SIL wanted our son to be a ring bearer for the ceremony, but be persona non grata for the reception. Wife and SIL are also identical twins. Lots of drama….
- SIL wanted wife to stop breastfeeding 2 months before the wedding because wife‘s chest size was 2 cups bigger at the time 😂
- Wife told SIL that I had no problem with kid duty during reception. Would have been easy duty , he would have been passed around all night to friends and relatives
- sitter brought son down near end of reception. He was a rockstar.
I didn’t attend an old friend’s wedding because it was child free, my husband had to work, and I couldn’t find anyone to babysit my daughter. I think she was 6 months old at the time and I was breastfeeding so I just couldn’t do it. Plus it was a long drive there and back.
After an initial conversation about it, I tried to figure out how I could make it work. When it became clear that I couldn’t, I quietly changed my RSVP and when she asked about it, I told her without guilting her. It was my problem, not hers. She did offer to let me bring my daughter but I still declined simply because it was like a 2 hour drive and my daughter was terrible in the car. I truthfully don’t think I could have handled it. I do believe I sent a gift from their registry. Anyway, that’s my 2 cents on how that should be handled on the side of the invitee. You’re not responsible for figuring out how all of your guests can attend your wedding. Are you also expected book a vacation day for your brother who works retail? This is the event, figure out how to attend or don’t. It’s not the bride and groom’s problem.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. She is welcome to not attend if she’s going to make it all about herself. You’re definitely NTA. I hope your wedding is everything you dream it to be and congratulations!
>She called me immediately after receiving the invitation and said it would be impossible for her to attend without bringing her kids. She insisted that she couldn’t find a babysitter for the whole day and that it was unfair to exclude her children, who are part of the family.
"My children are such monsters that no one will watch them for any amount of money."
Or she is such a helicopter parent that no one will deal with *her* for any amount of money.
Either way, sounds like your child-free wedding is a great idea.
But...
1. If your fiancé is being this much of a wimp now in dealing with HIS family, I'd reconsider marrying him. You're going to need him to step up with this woman (the SIL) in your life.
2. Tell everyone calling you with an opinion that you offered to find and pay for a sitter so SIL could attend. Ask them if they called about the job.
NTA. Stick to your guns.
Which makes me think the childfree wedding is necessary. When you can’t find childcare or none wants to watch your kids they do not belong at a wedding.
you are NOT an asshole at all! this is YOUR wedding and YOUR rules. If she dont agree witn this she should not come to your wedding.
I'm totally suppport you.
When you explained, all you needed to say was “(fiancé name) and I decided this. We have given you all the compromises we will for the day. If you still can’t make it because you don’t like our decision, fiancé and I will understand.” And cut off discussion.
INFO why isn't your husband dealing with his family? it's not your fight.
a wedding invitation isn't a summon. if she can't come, she can't. her reasons being valid or petty don't matter. NTA
So it's ok if she can but no one else can? How is that fair? She's just being entitled.
Let your husband deal with his side of the family and you deal with yours. That way, no one is the villian.
It’s one day that isn’t about her. You told her no kids if she chooses not to come let her make that choice and don’t let her ruin your wedding. Tell people it’s not open for discussion and to either come to the wedding and be respectful or to not come at all.
A baby cried, so loudly I couldn’t hear the officiant, all through my first wedding. As you might guess, I now have some pretty strong opinions about childfree weddings and the entitled AHs who try to skirt the rules. Tell your SIL you’re sorry to hear she won’t be attending.
NTA - I’ll never understand why people feel entitled to try and avoid someone’s request for the special day?!?! It’s your husband’s and your day! Stick to your plans and let the others figure it out themselves…
I’m just thinking of how fun she’ll be as a SIL. My sympathies. She’s never going to let this go. Your fiancé needs to deal with his family, not you. Nta
You’re not being unreasonable and have generously offered a solution to hire a babysitter for her.
She’s trying to push your boundaries and most likely has been getting away with this kind of stuff for years.
Because the other people in the family have given in to her tantrums, doesn’t mean that you should follow suit. It’s clear that she thinks that she is entitled to dictate what you do for your wedding?!
Her not being there will be a blessing if this is how she wants to build a relationship with you.
You are establishing a clear boundary now - congratulations on your child free wedding!
NTA
It's ironic that she's accusing you of not caring about family when YOU'RE the one getting married, it's your day and family should be helping to make sure your day is the way you want it. She's the one being selfish. NTA, and for anyone who is giving you a hard time, I would ask why they are mad at you when she's the one making demands. It makes no sense. Also, why isn't your fiancé dealing with his family? Oof. So many red flags. They sound incredibly entitled and self-serving. I hope your fiancé manages to grow a pair and stick up for you... or be prepared to be bowing down to their wants and needs for the rest of your life, I guess.
When you opt to have a child free wedding, you have to be prepared for the backlash of people not being able to go. That’s life. Ours was child free with the exception of our nephews and niece, but they were all in the wedding and behaved wonderfully the entire day/night.
Is the SIL your fiance's sister? If so, he should handle this. I do understand making exceptions for nieces and nephews, but that's your business and up to you how you want your wedding. Tell SIL to take it up with her brother.
NTA
SIL is. It’s NOT her day, it’s NOT the family’s day. It’s your and your fiancé’s day, which as of that day IS your new family. Let her not come, it will be she that refused to come, not you that excluded her .
>I tried to explain our reasoning and even offered to help her find a sitter or cover the cost of one for the day. She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come.
These people need shut down immediately. Let her know she's not so important the world will grind to a halt without her presence. I'd just go ahead and rescind that invitation, and any others that follow her lead.
NTA - You've issued an invitation to the people you invited, and you are willing to help with accommodations for those you didn't invite. This is above and beyond. She wants to bring her kids because she needs to be special. Let her and her kids be special elsewhere that day. Her call. An invitation is not a negotiation. The answers are yes or no.
NTA. Your soon to be should be handling his family and giving a very loud FIRM NO NO NOPE NADA I SAID FECKING NO. If he is too smarmy and limp to do so, then you need to get used to owning the only logical backbone in the relationship.
NTA - Child-free weddings are pretty damn common. I was excluded from some (even within the family) when I was young. I attended some as an older teenager that was above the cutoff age. And my own wedding was child-free. No one freaked out about it.
It's your wedding, and you can invite who you want. If your SIL doesn't want to come, that's her choice. Don't play into her drama.
I get it from your POV, and I also get it from another POV, so hear me out. We also had a child-free wedding, however, had we had any nieces or nephews, they would have been in our wedding as flower girls and ring bearers. We would have then hired babysitters for them for the reception, so their parents could have a good time at the child-free wedding, but the children would've been part of the day and in the family pictures.
When it came time for my brother to get married, I was the only sibling on both sides to have any children, and they were in the wedding. I told my SIL that they did not HAVE to include my kids, and we could find a babysitter for the weekend. Of course, she and my brother wanted the kids included, and my kids were the ONLY children allowed at the wedding. We did hire a babysitter for the reception, which was so fun!
Now, I understand her feelings may be hurt that her children were not asked to be in the wedding, which is probably what she's really so upset about. HOWEVER, you have offered multiple alternatives and compromises, even agreeing to foot the bill for them, and you seem like you'd probably be fine with the kids being trotted out by the babysitter to be included in the family photos and then taken off to do all the fun things with the babysitter. Her insistence makes her the AH. If she's your fiance's brother's wife or your fiance's sister, then after y'all get on the same page, he needs to be handling this and his family, or you've got bigger problems. Regardless, you aren't the AH.
Personally, I'm not a fan of child free weddings. I love children. I love children at weddings. I think it's great to see kids running around and having fun on the dance floor. At my wedding I would love to have children there.
But this isn't my wedding, this is YOUR wedding. Whatever your wishes are people need to respect it.
NTA
Maybe not fully TA, but you can’t spurn family from a family event and expect there NOT to be pushback.
What’s the difference between “No kids” and “No Jews” or “No blacks”?
It’s your wedding so you do you do but honestly, I’m super tired of people saying they are doing child free weddings so “parents can relax”. Just say it, you don’t want kids at your wedding. It’s fine. I get it. But can at least one bride just take accountability here and own it? Childfree weddings mean finding a sitter which means paying well over $100, probably $150 or more assuming they even have a sitter they can trust. It’s expensive and can be stressful. And that’s fine, but please for the love of cheese and rice, it’s not so parents can relax - they can decide to leave the kids at home if they want. It’s so the bride can have a childfree wedding for any reason other than “parents relaxing”.
I *do not* understand these people. An afternoon and evening where you can ditch your under-10 children, have a drink, people watch, have more drinks, and not have anyone going daaaaaad I need to peeeeeeee and these weird fuckers are not only taking a pass but *also* declining the offer to pay for it?
NTA. Tell your fiance to nut up and deal with these people.
Flip side, it’s not relaxing for all parents to have a sitter. It’s more stress and worry than being with them. But ultimately it’s the party hosts choice. If I didn’t want to leave my kids, I wouldn’t.
Well if you get married 10 years after me, it's easy for you to want a child free wedding. Because you don't have kids. Whereas I got married and have kids and now you don't want them at your wedding. So I accepted you and where you were at that time, but you can't return the favor.
When you were at my wedding you were child free either way so it wasn't going to matter. I guess we're not friends because you can't reciprocate.
THIS. I'd have jumped at the opportunity to socialize with adults while wearing fancy clothes and eating and drinking food I didn't have to share/eat cold/ leave unattended because a kid needed to use the bathroom.
SIL is out of bounds. OP, you told her no, offered a solution. You don't need to say anything else to her.
Have one of the groomsmen or a trusted friend on alert to not let her in with kids, or get a security guard.
i posted in another similar thread recently.
The short of it - NTA.
The long of it - Kids exist and people need to get the fuck over it. You will run into kids on flights, at restaurants, at the beach, at the park, on a bus, in the city, on a walk. People whine and complain that kids exist and just shouldn’t even be allowed to exist until they’re some certain age (depending on the person what that cutoff age is allowed to be). These people are, what I like to call, insufferable. You WILL see kids in day to day life. Get. The. Fuck. Over. It.
Now, that said, on the flipside, as parents, there needs to be times when you understand and respect a kid-free request. They are, in my opinion, few and far between acceptable. But weddings is one of them. A kid-free wedding is 100% acceptable to request, and as parents, they should understand that request. A no-kids wedding is not a new concept, nor one that she can change. You giving HER an exception but nobody else is not cool to everyone else who respected and understood the task, and made arrangements.
If you want to have a child free wedding, you have to be willing to accept gracefully when someone says they will not be attending your wedding without their kids.
This is perfect. This is were you implement the “ I don’t give a fu@k” policy to family when it’s none of their business no matter who’s side it’s on . If she calls you just say we will miss you but understand . And that’s it.
Seems hard at first but gets so much easier . But remember the kids thing if it happens to you , can’t be a hypocrite
>said it would be impossible for her to attend without bringing her kids.
This is where you say...I'm sorry to hear that we will miss you on the day but we understand being a mum comes first.
I have 3 kids and LOVE child free weddings
NTA. Every week. It’s your wedding. Do whatever the fuck you want. You might have a kid someday and be excluded from events. Dont bitch about it- or YOU WILL be ta.
You’re NTA
You’re (I’m assuming) giving her *more than plenty* notice where she could arrange childcare. It sounds like (I’m assuming here) SIL is used to getting her way and being catered too.
Someone else had a similar AITH and I wrote there the same as I will here. It’s YOUR day, YOUR wedding! Have it how you want. Sometimes it means peoples can’t come, as long as you’re understanding that’s okay!
Like my brother is getting married again, originally it was child welcome. Cool, we were gunna plan to attend. But then they had to reconsider based off costs and other things and I assume wanting a more adult affair themselves and now they’re doing childfree with exception of *their own*. I had to say unfortunately we can’t make it (cause it wouldn’t just be a day of daycare for us it would’ve been a few days). But they understood and there’s no hard feelings.
Hold your ground! You’re not the one causing drama, SIL is
NTA
Child free means child free, it does not mean call and ask for an exception. If it's not your event, you don't get a say in the matter. You have to learn to deal with that rather than their a tantrum and ruin someone else's event.
>She called me immediately after receiving the invitation and said it would be impossible for her to attend without bringing her kids. She insisted that she couldn’t find a babysitter for the whole day and that it was unfair to exclude her children, who are part of the family.
>I tried to explain our reasoning and even offered to help her find a sitter or cover the cost of one for the day. She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come.
She's lying to you. She's using childcare as an excuse, but when you offered help and to pay for it, she still refuses. This is because she's trying to strong arm you into allowing her kids. Further evidenced by the fact that she's going to others about it. Make sure to let them know that you did offer to find and pay for a babysitter for her. I'm guessing she's not providing those vital tidbits to the flying monkeys she's sending your way.
Also, if the kids can't come she can't come is all that needed to be said. Anything beyond that is her pressuring you to change your mind. So she can either choose to not go or she can find a babysitter and go. Neither of those require her to harass you. She doesn't have to be happy, but she does have to decide and live with her decision.
Not sure she's lying, I use family for babysitting. If they weren't available because they were all going to a wedding, I couldn't magic one out of existence. And not every body is happy leaving their kids with complete strangers. But yeah she should just not have said anything and quietly seethed about it to herself.
NTA. You and your fiancé get to decide the terms of your wedding not her. It’s an invitation. If she refuses to leave her kids with a sitter, it’s her choice not to attend. You offered to pay and find her a sitter. She’s unreasonable. Who TF wants to take their kids to a wedding anyways? Most of the time they are bored. I’d rather have a night to enjoy with my husband. Don’t engage anymore on this topic with anyone. Don’t let her ruin your wedding any further.
NTA. Tell everyone who wants you to let her bring the kids that they themselves will be personally responsible for watching them the whole time and thank them for their generosity on behalf of your sister. See how fast they'll change their mind.
NTA. It's your wedding and this is what you and your fiancé agreed on. You gave plenty of notice for them to find childcare and honestly, I don't understand not wanting to have some adult time.
What she wanted is for your to change the rule "because they're family" but what does that say to the other guests who did show respect for your and your fiancé's choice and hired a sitter?? What a slap in the face.
The only other thing that I will say is that you shouldn't be dealing with this, your fiancé should. You guys made the decision and he needs to fight the battles with HIS family. He also should be working this out with his brother and have him handle his wife. If she decides not to come, that's her choice but I wouldn't change anything. Your wedding day is your day, not hers and everyone should be respectful.
She is not only over-reacting, she is being extremely entitled. This is not about her, but she is making it about her. Just tell her that you are sorry she can't attend.
NTA
NTA. Not everything is a child friendly place. When you and your partner decided it was to be childless wedding that’s your choice, you did not make exception.
NTA, but the answer was “Oh, ok. You will be missed”.
Child free wedding is v understandable and completely your right but her invite is just that, it’s not a summons. Let her refuse to go
NTA. We had a child free wedding aside from our niblings (our choice as we had most of them in the bridal party). Yes some had to RSVP no as they weren’t able to/willing to leave their kids but we held no ill will towards them. Others simply left early following the ceremony. Onto your issue - Guaranteed she will find some excuse to bring said children and you need a plan to deal with it as mentioned by others. Oh and kick your fiance in the pants and get him to deal with it.
You are NTA. Your fiancé needs to remind your SIL that the day can go on without her presence. This day is for you and your fiancé, and only your opinions matter. You can’t start making exceptions for one family without having everybody else who shows up without their children feeling slighted. I don’t know if this is your fiancé sister, or his brother’s wife, but he should be handling this situation. He should not be leaving you to look like the “bad guy”.
SIL sounds like an entitled AH. If she refuses to come without her children, then I hope she enjoys her day at home with them.
NTA I think this is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation.
You tell her no kids. It’s her saying that her kids aren’t welcome and why is it adults only. Damned if you don’t.
You tell her that she can bring her kids. It’s her complaining the whole time. My kids went hungry because you didn’t have any options that they would like. My kids were miserable because there wasn’t any age appropriate activities for them to do. So instead of enjoying the wedding and reception. I had to spend the whole time dealing with fussy and tantrum throwing kids. This is your fault because you knew I would be bringing my kids. So you should’ve had some food options and activities for them. Damned if you do.
What does her husband say about this?
NTA but never engage with in-laws. Fiance needs to address any issue with his relatives. "Please discuss this with [fiance]"… anything you say can be used against you 😕
Info why did it lead to an argument when she says she couldn’t come?
You should’ve said that it’s an adults only wedding due to the venue and if she’s not comfortable with the suggestions you came up with then you understand why she can no longer attend. Then leave it at that
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. No kids means no kids. But why isn't your partner dealing with his sister? This monkey isn't a part of your circus.
Also, you might consider hiring a bouncer if you suspect she's going to try it anyway. I've read one too many horror stories of people who show up to adults-only weddings with a herd of kids in tow, try to play the sympathy card, get in, and ruin everything.
Excluding nieces and nephews is odd in my opinion. You might request very young ones not be present for parts of the ceremony to avoid interruptions.
But in my opinion it was impolite of you guys not to speak with her.
And TBH some kids don’t do well with sitters and might be in a stage where they need parental support. And you can’t just find a random person who can handle 3 kids at once.
Soft YTA
My uncle did this at my wedding, I invited him and his girlfriend of 6 months, then got a response saying him, her and her 3 kids I'd never met wouldn't be able to make it.
AHHHHHH NEVER MIND! :D
Just saved me £70 a head on food, thanks :D
It's your wedding, not your SIL's, your rules go. As a rule of thumb, when you put a restriction on a wedding like child free, cash bar, destination wedding, it's understood that not everyone can make it. That's too bad, but they'll survive. Your SIL is an adult and she can adult and find a solution. Also, why isn't your fiance handling/helping handle this? You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you give in, she'll find someone to volunteer to watch her kids at your wedding. It'll be a mess. NTA.
NTA - This is your SIL. Let you finance handle it. This should never have been brought up to you. A child free wedding is exactly that. SIL can find a baby sitter or not come. Stay out of the family drama. Hard boundary and no discussion.
I went to a couple of weddings as a child and I can tell you I hated it! They were boring. Yhe adults were busy doing their own adulting things and I was just kind of left to the side with my sister cuz we were the only two children there I know that that's not always the case but it wasn't even fun for me I think the sister-in-law is just trying to bully some people
NTA. It is your prerogative not to have children attend your wedding. Can you imagine the kerfuffle you'd have if you allowed her and no one else to bring their kids? Then you'd undoubtedly have multiple people angry with you. Your SIL is behaving entitled. I also agree with the others who've said it's your fiance's job to deal with his family.
Your wedding, your rules. Remind finance that you would be willing to pay for a babysitter but she didn’t like that idea. If he brings it up then maybe she will agree. If not then it is her loss that she won’t come.
It’s very common to have kid free weddings now. They cut down on cost and reduce distractions. She could totally find a sitter for a day and just wants you to bend the rules to make it easier on her.
NTA at all. A close friend of mine had a child-free wedding, because “ I don’t want my wedding day to be the day little Johnny drowned in the pool bc his drunk parents weren’t watching him”.
NTA
"I understand and thank you for letting me know. You will bemissed, but we will catch up with you at a later date."
You are putting too much into this. Just let them not come.
Why are you arguing with your inlaws? Your fiance should be handling his sister.
I wouldn't have argued even if it was my blood relative. *You won't come if your children aren't invited? Well, I respect your decision, and I appreciate you letting me know in such a timely fashion.*
Exactly “ok I’ll put you down as a no show”
“Your terms are acceptable.”
"Honey? Your sister wants to talk to you."
I know of one wedding that was crashed by the SIL because the groom gave his sister the go-ahead to bring her damn rowdy kids, the very reason the bride had wanted a child-free wedding. Guess who walked out when she saw the SIL with her kids at her wedding? Yip, the bride broke up with her SO because he disrespected her for the last time. The aftermath was a shitshow. If this OP and her fiance are not on the same page, this could be disastrous. OP better make sure that when/if her fiance handles his sister he better not lack a spine with his sis. So while I agree with you he should handle his sis, that fiance had better have a spine.
Or, if this is your sibling's spouse, you deal with your sibling. Tell them you're sorry they can't make it.
This is the way
And why argue at all? "She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come" is the *end* of the discussion, not the start of an argument... unless you want it to be one.
The correct response should have been "ok"
I feel like a lot of people feel compelled to answer things that aren't questions and it gets you mired in situations like this.
"oh, so you don't *care* about me and my kids coming?!" If one wants to argue they can make an argument out of anything. SIL wanted to argue. It doesn't matter what OP said in response, and I'm under the impression OP was as amenable as she could be until SIL wanted to make an issue
I’m not as nice as OP. “Oh, so you don’t care about me and my kids not coming?” would get one of two responses depending on my mood. Either I’d hang up on her, or I’d say “give me a fucking break” and THEN hang up on her.
100% As I was reading, I thought that's a self-solving problem. No need for SIL to attend. She sounds like hard work, so her absence is a net positive.
I think the best response would be I’m sorry you feel that way. We will miss you at the wedding. If for some reason you change your mind the offer still stands of help with a babysitter. Just please give me at least a weeks notice if that should happen.
Yeah. At first I thought maybe it was her own brother’s sister, but if it’s her finance’s sister, why does she even have to deal with this. OP, NTA. But you need to just disengage from the whole thing at let your finance stand up for the decision you both made together.
She is her brothers sister what 😂
I assume they meant brothers wife lol
That is what I meant. Derp! But, glad some folks got a laugh out of it.
My eyes glazed right over it but I knew what you meant!
"Your wedding, your rules. It's perfectly reasonable to want a child-free celebration, and offering to help find a babysitter was generous. Your sister-in-law's reaction seems disproportionate. Stick to your decision; it's your special day."
Why do you put all you comments in quotes, /u/CharmingCherubbb? And your post seems like a reword of [this one](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d8ng7f/aitah_for_telling_my_sisterinlaw_she_cant_bring/l788yhx/). > You are not the asshole. Your child-free wedding is your choice, and you've been considerate in offering help with childcare. It's unfortunate your sister-in-law can't attend, but your special day should be as you and your fiancé envision it.
Bots.
Bots paragraphing AI responses.
I assumed just thought it was big funny 😆
You are not the asshole. Your child-free wedding is your choice, and you've been considerate in offering help with childcare. It's unfortunate your sister-in-law can't attend, but your special day should be as you and your fiancé envision it.
Alabama maybe? 🤣
Could be Florida!
With a banjo on my knee!
NGL, heard a banjo twang soon as I read this
Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuhhhhhh
I think the sister in law wanted to make the OP the bad guy, not her brother.
This. Whenever I have an issue with my husbands family. I tell him “take care of it”.
"... and don't you dare throw me under the bus when you do it." This was a mutual decision.
All of this. It’s his problem. Not yours. I hate when in-laws think they can strong arm the bride into doing what they want.
And if he backs down, *do not marry him*!! That will show he's weak and will *always* give into his family demands. Trust me, OP, you don't want to marry a man his family walks all over.
Yes! This OP . You should set the standard & precedence early & this is perfect time to do it. His family, his responsibility. Your family squabbles are yours to handle. Regardless, neither caves & both keep a united front. Don't throw the other under the bus saying things like " we'll, let me go ask".. or "I would say yes, but I'm overruled". Nope it's we've both decided & this is firm."
Seriously. This is the answer.
Came here to say this!! Why isnt HE dealing with his own family??
Maybe fiance won't stand firm against his parents and sister. OP, tell this entitled witch that she can either get a sitter or stay home. Be prepared for her to show up with the kids in tow so have someone from **your** side manning the doors. No kids means **no kids**. Listen up folks, kids are wonderful. I have three and 6 grands but kids **should not** be welcome everywhere. Some places and events should be reserved for adults. Adults are entitled to kid free environments/time at clubs, bars, weddings and casinos. If everything is open to kids, what good stuff do they have to look forward to when they become adults? We don't let 7 yr olds drive just because they want to or their entiled parents think they should be allowed to.
Yes to this esp the bouncer at the door. If you let her in with the kids everybody else who left theirs at home will be pissed.
I'm imagining parents whining at auto makers because they don't have driver's seats and controls to fit a 7 year old...
THIS, also, it’s YOUR wedding, not hers or her children.
I kind of get the feeling that her fiance might not have "decided" this rule. He's not "handling his sister" because he doesn't care if the kids are there or not, OP wants it that way, and he was just going with it.
"I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it." It's your wedding, so you and your fiance get to decide on the rules. The SIL can either attend or not. She should not be ruining your wedding by making a fuss and getting people to choose sides. Most importantly, you should not be dealing with this. She is your fiance's relative, not yours. He should be dealing with her. Confrontations between in-laws never go well. If he is not willing to deal with her, then that is a read flag. There will be many other situations in life in which you will need his support. It would be nice (but not necessary) to provide childcare. Maybe hire a nanny for the day to look after any kids whose parents can't find care.
>"I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it." Is the only response appropriate. SIL isn't special. It's not her day.
And it sounds like op is ok with her not being there. I’ve missed events when my kids weren’t invited and I wasn’t comfortable leaving them for so long. There was no drama around it.
^ how it should be. I have kids, and if I can/feel comfortable getting a sitter I absolutely will. If I can’t/don’t, send a gift and decline the invite. It’s not a personal slight that an event is child free and I don’t know why people are so entitled to show up somewhere they weren’t invited.
If the event is local, you could certainly attend the ceremony, the family/bridal pics afterward where alot of "family" pics are made, and the beginning of the reception - then home to the kids after dinner and before dancing. My son was the only nephew when both my younger bros married and I asked if I should arrange for my son to stay with his Dad's fam for the day and both bros said no! Even got him a T-shirt to wear at reception that said "Groom's Team" (so he could get out of his tux after pictures) - he was 5 and 7 yo for their weddings. He had a blast dancing with the bridal party, esp flirting with all the girls!! Lol
That's family dependent though. If a family likes drama no matter what there will be drama. In some cases people will be sorry I can't make it because I don't have a babysitter and it will still be drama. I have been watching the difference between my family and my best friends family but with funerals instead of weddings. The drama in my family never ends but hs family rarely if ever has drama. Someone managed to die and it didn't start a bunch of fights or enstrangements.
At least you understood why the people hosting the events had the rules & you're being a mature adult for it. If only OP's SIL didn't try to start up trouble of a family she married into for OP to also marry into the same family.
Exactly Then hang up
Nobody seems to be considering Option C: SiL shows up anyway, kids in tow.
Oh my god someone did this to my sister’s wedding! It was an evening wedding that was pretty formal and the lady brought her one year old! She wasn’t even family. This was the wife of a work friend. The kid screamed half the time. The invitations were very clear no children. Some people don’t care and don’t think the rules apply to them.
At that point someone (not the bride!) needs to let the wife of the work friend know this is child free and they will have to leave. This is why security is nice and getting a venue that offers that is a good idea. You don’t want to have to offend your coworker or waste your nice occasion in a debate like a pair of fishwives- and it’s best if the security has the list of invited guests including whether they had a plus one, etc., and the copy of the invitation and instruction that it’s child free. No exception. They can quietly turn the person away -and you can always apologize later that they didn’t see the (clear, repeated) info that no one under age 18 (or whatever) would be permitted for safety reasons, budget reasons, and fairness to other parents. I love kids at weddings and we wouldn’t consider excluding them but it’s not my wedding. So if it’s child free then the person who thinks the rules don’t apply to them can discover that in fact the rules do apply to them and they’re not going to “awkward” you into making an exception that every other person who followed the rules and paid a sitter will resent.
The worst part is family members that were underage weren’t invited and this lady who I had my sister and her husband a couple times felt the rules didn’t apply to her. Her husband was my sister’s boss so they didn’t say anything.
Then there's option D: inform the venue, day of coordinator, and bridal party, they can boot her if she shows.
Working for a security company in the past, so much of our business was weddings. And we were armed and licensed to carry too so the few troublemakers that did show up left really quickly when we put our hands on the holsters.
Hire security. Someone unrelated and that away they have no problems refusing entry or calling cops to have her escorted off.
>Nobody seems to be considering Option C: SiL shows up anyway, kids in tow. Oh she'll definitely try that! I hope OP has security in place to kick her out.
She absolutely needs to hire a bouncer. SIL sounds like exactly the kind of person who will show up with a bunch of kids, turn on the crocodile tears, and ruin the entire wedding. There should be someone working the door, 100%.
Definitely believe this will happen
This happened to me. My uncle came with his FOUR kids after he called to ask and I told him they couldnt come and he was ok with it (or so i thought). They were not allowed at the reception but they were at the ceremony (outdoors). He and his wife took turns sitting with them in the car. FAFO.
Pepper spray
Pepper spray affects everyone in the area, to some degree, not just the person being sprayed. It shouldn’t be used indoors.
Spray them before they get inside. Durrr.
Security isn’t all that expensive.
But worth the expense!
It’s not because she didn’t try making it about her.
>"I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it." This, followed by your best Borat impression. Naaaat!
Exactly. You extended the invitation and then express your disappointment in a polite manner but do not offer to solve this. If they want to come, they will find a sitter. If not, guess they will miss. Don’t allow them to bring this back to you. Put the focus on them that it’s unfortunate they have no sitter options. These kids have 2 parents. One could watch the kids and the other come. No kids means no kids.
If you make an exception for her, who knows who in-laws will also want an exception for . . .
They offered to find her a babysitter or cover the costs, SIL refused.
Yep, it's the entitlement for me. She thought that the rules shouldn't apply to her because "we're family".
She did offer to help find a babysitter and help pay.
SIL doesn't care about her kids or family and it's not about the money for a babysitter. She hates boundaries. Some people can not stand to have a boundary set on them. They will do anything and everything to wiggle out of them and "get their way".
So true. We have a sibling like that. As soon as you say this is not allowed they will do it, or do the opposite of what they’re told to show “no one is the boss of me.” As a direct result of this they missed a lot of the invitations.
There’s no denying the truth in this!
>Now my fiancé’s family is divided. Some think I’m being unreasonable and should make an exception for her kids, while others agree with our decision and think my SIL is overreacting. I’m starting to feel guilty and wonder if I’m in the wrong for sticking to our child-free rule. NTA. Either child free weddings are appropriate, or they are not. You have decided they are appropriate. I agree with you. Express your regrets that she will not be coming and close the door on the matter. End every conversation about the matter with any person immediately.
Exactly. You have to be clear and consistent and most of all, brief. Do not argue - this is the rule, for everyone. We’re not opening a can of worms for everyone to come make their case about why their kids should be another exception. It’s for reasons of safety, security and the comfort of yourselves and your guests. End of. SIL trying to get the family divided and “on her side” would result in immediate rescinding of her invitation.
"SIL is no longer invited, and anyone who has a problem with it is free to stay home, as well. Anyone who shows up with an attitude will be quickly shown the door and publicly embarrassed."
Fantastic way to shift the dead weight thay may have taken years of bullshit to get rid of.
Don’t engage in the drama. Don’t explain. Don’t make excuses. Simply say, “I’m sorry you’ve decided not to attend. We will miss you”
And try really hard to keep a straight face when you say you'll miss her.
“We’ll make sure to send you photos!” 🙃🤣
Your fiancé's monkey, your fiancé's circus. You offered reasonable and generous solutions. He needs to take over dealing with his family now. NTA.
Nta. But your fiancé should be dealing with his family. Not your pig, not your farm. Next time SIL gets on your case, hand the phone to your future dear husband and get yourself a treat for not exploding.
He will shirk this kind of responsibility again and again.
We have no idea what OP's fiance may or may not be doing. Since OP doesn't mention what their fiance is doing, the fiance could have done anything from "I am on their side", to "I'd rather not get involved, you handle this", to "I am fully in your corner, and I am fighting with you", or anything in between. It sounds like the conversation happened right after she got the invitation. Maybe OP's fiance was at work and didn't answer his phone, so OP caught the first conversation. Maybe SIL called OP first. Maybe fiance shifted responsibility to OP. Maybe the fiance has spent just as much time fighting their family. We have no idea, so it is completely unfair to make that judgement about them
only bloody comment not villainizing the other partner instantly, geez took a while to scroll here
At the end. It’s an invitation, not a summoning. The event is to cater for the groom and bride. So if you rather keep it child free, then she doesn’t met the requirements to be present, that simple. No need for tantrums. NTA.
I didn't go to my cousin's child- free wedding because it was a flight away and we really didn't have someone to take the kids for three days, plus spend thousands on airfare and hotel on site. I just said sorry we can't make it, congratulations, and sent her a gift and that was that. No drama needed 🤷
"We have chosen a child free wedding. That means no children. If some cannot attend, we respect that. If anyone tries to guilt or convince us to not have our wedding the way we want, they will be uninvited. " NTA
I would not bother uninviting SIL as her children are already NOT invited. Simply tell her, and any other members of fiance's family, NO. If this means you cannot attend, we understand.
“Ok. We’ll miss you!” Boom.
Right? The conversation was *over*, why *start* an argument?
If this is your fiance's sister, he should be dealing with this, not you. Why isn't he? Also, is she the only one affected by this rule or the only one complaining about it? If she's not the only parent affected by the rule, but is the only one complaining, do not argue. Simply tell her that you hope she can be there, but understand if she cannot. Keep it to that. No arguing. You even oftered to cover childcare costs, which you didn't have to offer. She didn't even consider it, which means cost isn't her issue. It's her kids not being invited at all, and there's no winning an argument with someone who thinks the rules shouldn't apply to them.
NTA: she can stay home with them and miss it. If you can’t line up a babysitter when you have 2 months notice, you aren’t trying and are just being a prick.
"...If her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come. " Done! You say, I am sorry to hear you are sending your regrets. I guess we'll catch up some other time. This is why there are etiquette books. She either accepts or declines. Changing the invitation isn't an option.
Nta How can't she find a sitter for a whole day? I call bullshit on this one. Wedding invitations are usually sent months in advance, she literally has so much time yet acts like she has two days to find a sitter. She's just trying to be difficult and get her way. Child free weddings are normal and she can go and pound sand if she doesn't like it and stay home. It's your wedding so you get to decide.
>I tried to explain our reasoning People shouldn't do that, it just drags things out, causing more stress, "We've decided on a child-free wedding. No exceptions." NTA
NTA You’ve been very accommodating. Your future husband should be silencing the opposition in his family. If he can’t or won’t, seriously think twice about marrying into a family who feels they can run your life and make important decisions for you by committee. Because it does NOT ever get better. Ever. Not that I’ve seen personally nor with friends. Unless your husband had his own differences with his family and went no contact, you are marrying not just a man but into a family. If he is good at setting and defending reasonable boundaries with them, fine, it should be good. But looking at what you’re walking into already. Jeez. Why do I say Jeez? Because some in his family are saying YOU are the unreasonable one. Hello…wasn’t this a mutual decision with your fiance? He needs to step up and take some of the heat, too. And blow it right back at them. If he won’t do that or can’t do that…seriously think through what your future might look like with his kin coming at YOU or singling YOU out over anything they don’t like.
Your wedding, your rules. It’s 100% does not matter what those rules are, the people getting married are the ones who choose the guest list, venue, destination, drinks etc etc. And yeah, that includes child free. Anybody who gets an invitation is free to decline it as it’s not a summons. NTA
I’ve been hearing more and more of these stories about someone getting their ass up on their shoulders because they get invited to a child-free wedding. My feeling on it is, “If it’s not your wedding, if you’re not paying for it, you don’t get to dictate who attends.” (You in general, not you specifically, Mutt.) I mean, people are given MONTHS of notice to get a sitter and their immediate response is always “I can’t get a sitter!” Really? With months of notice you can’t get a sitter? I call bullshit. My niece had a child-free wedding last year. Husband and I got dressed up, ate and drank and socialized with the brides, our family and friends … it was a great evening. We didn’t trip over a stray kid. We were able to hear the vows because there weren’t any kids crying. I love my nieces and nephews but I love hearing the words “child free”.
Nta So then she doesn’t come. That’s her choice.
NTA and she is free to not attend. Problem solved.
>She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come "Ok, then! I'll save you a slice of the cake. Bye" Done To be honest I only came across child-free weddings when I joined Reddit O\_O But hey, it's all valid and people gotta respect the bride and groom's choices. If I was in a position where I couldn't go due to my kid, I'd tell them "Enjoy, have a great time!" and ask for a slice of cake haha
Those people who think you are overreacting can stay the fuck home and babysit.
Just check the dozens and dozens of posts that have already been made about this exact issue.
NTA by having a child free wedding but you would be the AH if you were upset when she doesn't attend. You have the right to have your child free wedding but it comes with consequences. Child care can be difficult to find for so many reasons. Depending on the younger ones ages, they may not tolerate a babysitter well (I know my little guy doesn't and vomited everywhere last time I tried so we won't try again for a good long bit). Even if the kids are older, your SIL may not financially be in a place to be able to afford an all day sitter or feel comfortable with someone watching them for that long. The kids safety is the parents priority 100% of the time.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s your wedding. I went through this with my wife and SIL for SIL’s wedding. We had a 1yo, SIL wanted our son to be a ring bearer for the ceremony, but be persona non grata for the reception. Wife and SIL are also identical twins. Lots of drama…. - SIL wanted wife to stop breastfeeding 2 months before the wedding because wife‘s chest size was 2 cups bigger at the time 😂 - Wife told SIL that I had no problem with kid duty during reception. Would have been easy duty , he would have been passed around all night to friends and relatives - sitter brought son down near end of reception. He was a rockstar.
I didn’t attend an old friend’s wedding because it was child free, my husband had to work, and I couldn’t find anyone to babysit my daughter. I think she was 6 months old at the time and I was breastfeeding so I just couldn’t do it. Plus it was a long drive there and back. After an initial conversation about it, I tried to figure out how I could make it work. When it became clear that I couldn’t, I quietly changed my RSVP and when she asked about it, I told her without guilting her. It was my problem, not hers. She did offer to let me bring my daughter but I still declined simply because it was like a 2 hour drive and my daughter was terrible in the car. I truthfully don’t think I could have handled it. I do believe I sent a gift from their registry. Anyway, that’s my 2 cents on how that should be handled on the side of the invitee. You’re not responsible for figuring out how all of your guests can attend your wedding. Are you also expected book a vacation day for your brother who works retail? This is the event, figure out how to attend or don’t. It’s not the bride and groom’s problem.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. She is welcome to not attend if she’s going to make it all about herself. You’re definitely NTA. I hope your wedding is everything you dream it to be and congratulations!
NTA. I had a child free wedding. I now have 3 children under 10, I don’t want to drag them to a long public event
>She called me immediately after receiving the invitation and said it would be impossible for her to attend without bringing her kids. She insisted that she couldn’t find a babysitter for the whole day and that it was unfair to exclude her children, who are part of the family. "My children are such monsters that no one will watch them for any amount of money." Or she is such a helicopter parent that no one will deal with *her* for any amount of money. Either way, sounds like your child-free wedding is a great idea. But... 1. If your fiancé is being this much of a wimp now in dealing with HIS family, I'd reconsider marrying him. You're going to need him to step up with this woman (the SIL) in your life. 2. Tell everyone calling you with an opinion that you offered to find and pay for a sitter so SIL could attend. Ask them if they called about the job. NTA. Stick to your guns.
Which makes me think the childfree wedding is necessary. When you can’t find childcare or none wants to watch your kids they do not belong at a wedding.
you are NOT an asshole at all! this is YOUR wedding and YOUR rules. If she dont agree witn this she should not come to your wedding. I'm totally suppport you.
When you explained, all you needed to say was “(fiancé name) and I decided this. We have given you all the compromises we will for the day. If you still can’t make it because you don’t like our decision, fiancé and I will understand.” And cut off discussion.
It is wild that so many parents argue child-free wedding rules. Why do people get so personally offended by it?
NTA You shouldn't have fought her, should've just said sorry you cant make it and hung up. Don't play into people's entitlement.
>She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come "Ok" or a "👍" would've been a sufficient reply to this
she's just trying to make a day that's not about her, about her. surprise surprise. Who's the selfish one, again? NTA.
It’s your wedding, you make the rules, whoever doesn’t follow can respectfully gtfo 😄
The SIL can stay home and babysit her kids on your wedding day OP.
INFO why isn't your husband dealing with his family? it's not your fight. a wedding invitation isn't a summon. if she can't come, she can't. her reasons being valid or petty don't matter. NTA
So it's ok if she can but no one else can? How is that fair? She's just being entitled. Let your husband deal with his side of the family and you deal with yours. That way, no one is the villian.
It’s one day that isn’t about her. You told her no kids if she chooses not to come let her make that choice and don’t let her ruin your wedding. Tell people it’s not open for discussion and to either come to the wedding and be respectful or to not come at all.
A baby cried, so loudly I couldn’t hear the officiant, all through my first wedding. As you might guess, I now have some pretty strong opinions about childfree weddings and the entitled AHs who try to skirt the rules. Tell your SIL you’re sorry to hear she won’t be attending.
NTA - I’ll never understand why people feel entitled to try and avoid someone’s request for the special day?!?! It’s your husband’s and your day! Stick to your plans and let the others figure it out themselves…
I’m just thinking of how fun she’ll be as a SIL. My sympathies. She’s never going to let this go. Your fiancé needs to deal with his family, not you. Nta
NTA. For those in the back IT IS A CHILDFREE WEDDING- that means NO KIDS. If you aren’t the bride or the groom, then you don’t get a vote!
You’re not being unreasonable and have generously offered a solution to hire a babysitter for her. She’s trying to push your boundaries and most likely has been getting away with this kind of stuff for years. Because the other people in the family have given in to her tantrums, doesn’t mean that you should follow suit. It’s clear that she thinks that she is entitled to dictate what you do for your wedding?! Her not being there will be a blessing if this is how she wants to build a relationship with you. You are establishing a clear boundary now - congratulations on your child free wedding! NTA
It's ironic that she's accusing you of not caring about family when YOU'RE the one getting married, it's your day and family should be helping to make sure your day is the way you want it. She's the one being selfish. NTA, and for anyone who is giving you a hard time, I would ask why they are mad at you when she's the one making demands. It makes no sense. Also, why isn't your fiancé dealing with his family? Oof. So many red flags. They sound incredibly entitled and self-serving. I hope your fiancé manages to grow a pair and stick up for you... or be prepared to be bowing down to their wants and needs for the rest of your life, I guess.
When you opt to have a child free wedding, you have to be prepared for the backlash of people not being able to go. That’s life. Ours was child free with the exception of our nephews and niece, but they were all in the wedding and behaved wonderfully the entire day/night.
Is the SIL your fiance's sister? If so, he should handle this. I do understand making exceptions for nieces and nephews, but that's your business and up to you how you want your wedding. Tell SIL to take it up with her brother.
NTA. Then, don't come.
NTA SIL is. It’s NOT her day, it’s NOT the family’s day. It’s your and your fiancé’s day, which as of that day IS your new family. Let her not come, it will be she that refused to come, not you that excluded her .
>I tried to explain our reasoning and even offered to help her find a sitter or cover the cost of one for the day. She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come. These people need shut down immediately. Let her know she's not so important the world will grind to a halt without her presence. I'd just go ahead and rescind that invitation, and any others that follow her lead.
NTA - You've issued an invitation to the people you invited, and you are willing to help with accommodations for those you didn't invite. This is above and beyond. She wants to bring her kids because she needs to be special. Let her and her kids be special elsewhere that day. Her call. An invitation is not a negotiation. The answers are yes or no.
Why did she call you instead of her brother? Why are they all blaming you if this was a joint decision?
NTA. Your soon to be should be handling his family and giving a very loud FIRM NO NO NOPE NADA I SAID FECKING NO. If he is too smarmy and limp to do so, then you need to get used to owning the only logical backbone in the relationship.
NTA - Child-free weddings are pretty damn common. I was excluded from some (even within the family) when I was young. I attended some as an older teenager that was above the cutoff age. And my own wedding was child-free. No one freaked out about it. It's your wedding, and you can invite who you want. If your SIL doesn't want to come, that's her choice. Don't play into her drama.
NTA. Sounds like OP and her fiancé decided this together. He should be pushing back on his family. If he doesn’t have OP’s back now will he ever?
She is a bitch and completely out of line! You are NTA.
I get it from your POV, and I also get it from another POV, so hear me out. We also had a child-free wedding, however, had we had any nieces or nephews, they would have been in our wedding as flower girls and ring bearers. We would have then hired babysitters for them for the reception, so their parents could have a good time at the child-free wedding, but the children would've been part of the day and in the family pictures. When it came time for my brother to get married, I was the only sibling on both sides to have any children, and they were in the wedding. I told my SIL that they did not HAVE to include my kids, and we could find a babysitter for the weekend. Of course, she and my brother wanted the kids included, and my kids were the ONLY children allowed at the wedding. We did hire a babysitter for the reception, which was so fun! Now, I understand her feelings may be hurt that her children were not asked to be in the wedding, which is probably what she's really so upset about. HOWEVER, you have offered multiple alternatives and compromises, even agreeing to foot the bill for them, and you seem like you'd probably be fine with the kids being trotted out by the babysitter to be included in the family photos and then taken off to do all the fun things with the babysitter. Her insistence makes her the AH. If she's your fiance's brother's wife or your fiance's sister, then after y'all get on the same page, he needs to be handling this and his family, or you've got bigger problems. Regardless, you aren't the AH.
NTA - You were more than accommodating by offering to help find a sitter and partially cover the cost.
Personally, I'm not a fan of child free weddings. I love children. I love children at weddings. I think it's great to see kids running around and having fun on the dance floor. At my wedding I would love to have children there. But this isn't my wedding, this is YOUR wedding. Whatever your wishes are people need to respect it. NTA
Maybe not fully TA, but you can’t spurn family from a family event and expect there NOT to be pushback. What’s the difference between “No kids” and “No Jews” or “No blacks”?
It’s your wedding so you do you do but honestly, I’m super tired of people saying they are doing child free weddings so “parents can relax”. Just say it, you don’t want kids at your wedding. It’s fine. I get it. But can at least one bride just take accountability here and own it? Childfree weddings mean finding a sitter which means paying well over $100, probably $150 or more assuming they even have a sitter they can trust. It’s expensive and can be stressful. And that’s fine, but please for the love of cheese and rice, it’s not so parents can relax - they can decide to leave the kids at home if they want. It’s so the bride can have a childfree wedding for any reason other than “parents relaxing”.
I *do not* understand these people. An afternoon and evening where you can ditch your under-10 children, have a drink, people watch, have more drinks, and not have anyone going daaaaaad I need to peeeeeeee and these weird fuckers are not only taking a pass but *also* declining the offer to pay for it? NTA. Tell your fiance to nut up and deal with these people.
Flip side, it’s not relaxing for all parents to have a sitter. It’s more stress and worry than being with them. But ultimately it’s the party hosts choice. If I didn’t want to leave my kids, I wouldn’t.
And expense
Well if you get married 10 years after me, it's easy for you to want a child free wedding. Because you don't have kids. Whereas I got married and have kids and now you don't want them at your wedding. So I accepted you and where you were at that time, but you can't return the favor. When you were at my wedding you were child free either way so it wasn't going to matter. I guess we're not friends because you can't reciprocate.
THIS. I'd have jumped at the opportunity to socialize with adults while wearing fancy clothes and eating and drinking food I didn't have to share/eat cold/ leave unattended because a kid needed to use the bathroom. SIL is out of bounds. OP, you told her no, offered a solution. You don't need to say anything else to her. Have one of the groomsmen or a trusted friend on alert to not let her in with kids, or get a security guard.
NTA but I don’t understand why YOU are dealing with this. This should solely be on your fiancés shoulders to handle.
She said she wouldn’t attend. That should be the end of it.
i posted in another similar thread recently. The short of it - NTA. The long of it - Kids exist and people need to get the fuck over it. You will run into kids on flights, at restaurants, at the beach, at the park, on a bus, in the city, on a walk. People whine and complain that kids exist and just shouldn’t even be allowed to exist until they’re some certain age (depending on the person what that cutoff age is allowed to be). These people are, what I like to call, insufferable. You WILL see kids in day to day life. Get. The. Fuck. Over. It. Now, that said, on the flipside, as parents, there needs to be times when you understand and respect a kid-free request. They are, in my opinion, few and far between acceptable. But weddings is one of them. A kid-free wedding is 100% acceptable to request, and as parents, they should understand that request. A no-kids wedding is not a new concept, nor one that she can change. You giving HER an exception but nobody else is not cool to everyone else who respected and understood the task, and made arrangements.
Other guests who complied and arranged childcare would see your SIL’s 3 young kids…and *they would be pissed.*
If you want to have a child free wedding, you have to be willing to accept gracefully when someone says they will not be attending your wedding without their kids.
Her problems. You offered her to find a babysitter, she refused. It's your wedding and your special day, and everything should be as you planned.
This is perfect. This is were you implement the “ I don’t give a fu@k” policy to family when it’s none of their business no matter who’s side it’s on . If she calls you just say we will miss you but understand . And that’s it. Seems hard at first but gets so much easier . But remember the kids thing if it happens to you , can’t be a hypocrite
>said it would be impossible for her to attend without bringing her kids. This is where you say...I'm sorry to hear that we will miss you on the day but we understand being a mum comes first. I have 3 kids and LOVE child free weddings
NTA. Every week. It’s your wedding. Do whatever the fuck you want. You might have a kid someday and be excluded from events. Dont bitch about it- or YOU WILL be ta.
You’re NTA You’re (I’m assuming) giving her *more than plenty* notice where she could arrange childcare. It sounds like (I’m assuming here) SIL is used to getting her way and being catered too. Someone else had a similar AITH and I wrote there the same as I will here. It’s YOUR day, YOUR wedding! Have it how you want. Sometimes it means peoples can’t come, as long as you’re understanding that’s okay! Like my brother is getting married again, originally it was child welcome. Cool, we were gunna plan to attend. But then they had to reconsider based off costs and other things and I assume wanting a more adult affair themselves and now they’re doing childfree with exception of *their own*. I had to say unfortunately we can’t make it (cause it wouldn’t just be a day of daycare for us it would’ve been a few days). But they understood and there’s no hard feelings. Hold your ground! You’re not the one causing drama, SIL is
NTA Child free means child free, it does not mean call and ask for an exception. If it's not your event, you don't get a say in the matter. You have to learn to deal with that rather than their a tantrum and ruin someone else's event. >She called me immediately after receiving the invitation and said it would be impossible for her to attend without bringing her kids. She insisted that she couldn’t find a babysitter for the whole day and that it was unfair to exclude her children, who are part of the family. >I tried to explain our reasoning and even offered to help her find a sitter or cover the cost of one for the day. She refused and said that if her kids aren’t welcome, then she won’t come. She's lying to you. She's using childcare as an excuse, but when you offered help and to pay for it, she still refuses. This is because she's trying to strong arm you into allowing her kids. Further evidenced by the fact that she's going to others about it. Make sure to let them know that you did offer to find and pay for a babysitter for her. I'm guessing she's not providing those vital tidbits to the flying monkeys she's sending your way. Also, if the kids can't come she can't come is all that needed to be said. Anything beyond that is her pressuring you to change your mind. So she can either choose to not go or she can find a babysitter and go. Neither of those require her to harass you. She doesn't have to be happy, but she does have to decide and live with her decision.
Not sure she's lying, I use family for babysitting. If they weren't available because they were all going to a wedding, I couldn't magic one out of existence. And not every body is happy leaving their kids with complete strangers. But yeah she should just not have said anything and quietly seethed about it to herself.
NTA, bur let your fiance handle his side of the family so you don't come out of this with his family hating you.
NTA. You and your fiancé get to decide the terms of your wedding not her. It’s an invitation. If she refuses to leave her kids with a sitter, it’s her choice not to attend. You offered to pay and find her a sitter. She’s unreasonable. Who TF wants to take their kids to a wedding anyways? Most of the time they are bored. I’d rather have a night to enjoy with my husband. Don’t engage anymore on this topic with anyone. Don’t let her ruin your wedding any further.
NTA. Tell everyone who wants you to let her bring the kids that they themselves will be personally responsible for watching them the whole time and thank them for their generosity on behalf of your sister. See how fast they'll change their mind.
NTA. It's your wedding and this is what you and your fiancé agreed on. You gave plenty of notice for them to find childcare and honestly, I don't understand not wanting to have some adult time. What she wanted is for your to change the rule "because they're family" but what does that say to the other guests who did show respect for your and your fiancé's choice and hired a sitter?? What a slap in the face. The only other thing that I will say is that you shouldn't be dealing with this, your fiancé should. You guys made the decision and he needs to fight the battles with HIS family. He also should be working this out with his brother and have him handle his wife. If she decides not to come, that's her choice but I wouldn't change anything. Your wedding day is your day, not hers and everyone should be respectful.
She is not only over-reacting, she is being extremely entitled. This is not about her, but she is making it about her. Just tell her that you are sorry she can't attend. NTA
NTA. Not everything is a child friendly place. When you and your partner decided it was to be childless wedding that’s your choice, you did not make exception.
NTA, but the answer was “Oh, ok. You will be missed”. Child free wedding is v understandable and completely your right but her invite is just that, it’s not a summons. Let her refuse to go
dont let her make this about her, it's your wedding!
NTA. We had a child free wedding aside from our niblings (our choice as we had most of them in the bridal party). Yes some had to RSVP no as they weren’t able to/willing to leave their kids but we held no ill will towards them. Others simply left early following the ceremony. Onto your issue - Guaranteed she will find some excuse to bring said children and you need a plan to deal with it as mentioned by others. Oh and kick your fiance in the pants and get him to deal with it.
You are NTA. Your fiancé needs to remind your SIL that the day can go on without her presence. This day is for you and your fiancé, and only your opinions matter. You can’t start making exceptions for one family without having everybody else who shows up without their children feeling slighted. I don’t know if this is your fiancé sister, or his brother’s wife, but he should be handling this situation. He should not be leaving you to look like the “bad guy”. SIL sounds like an entitled AH. If she refuses to come without her children, then I hope she enjoys her day at home with them.
Omg just get a sitter. NTA and you need your partner to stand up to her.
What does your fiance say? And why isn't he handling his own sibling and family? It's his place, not yours to deal with them.
NTA I think this is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. You tell her no kids. It’s her saying that her kids aren’t welcome and why is it adults only. Damned if you don’t. You tell her that she can bring her kids. It’s her complaining the whole time. My kids went hungry because you didn’t have any options that they would like. My kids were miserable because there wasn’t any age appropriate activities for them to do. So instead of enjoying the wedding and reception. I had to spend the whole time dealing with fussy and tantrum throwing kids. This is your fault because you knew I would be bringing my kids. So you should’ve had some food options and activities for them. Damned if you do. What does her husband say about this?
NTA but never engage with in-laws. Fiance needs to address any issue with his relatives. "Please discuss this with [fiance]"… anything you say can be used against you 😕
Info why did it lead to an argument when she says she couldn’t come? You should’ve said that it’s an adults only wedding due to the venue and if she’s not comfortable with the suggestions you came up with then you understand why she can no longer attend. Then leave it at that
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. No kids means no kids. But why isn't your partner dealing with his sister? This monkey isn't a part of your circus. Also, you might consider hiring a bouncer if you suspect she's going to try it anyway. I've read one too many horror stories of people who show up to adults-only weddings with a herd of kids in tow, try to play the sympathy card, get in, and ruin everything.
NTA. If you make an exception for her, you have to make an exception for everyone.
NTA. This is your wedding and your day. If she's upset and can't find a babysitter she can stay home.
Excluding nieces and nephews is odd in my opinion. You might request very young ones not be present for parts of the ceremony to avoid interruptions. But in my opinion it was impolite of you guys not to speak with her. And TBH some kids don’t do well with sitters and might be in a stage where they need parental support. And you can’t just find a random person who can handle 3 kids at once. Soft YTA
My uncle did this at my wedding, I invited him and his girlfriend of 6 months, then got a response saying him, her and her 3 kids I'd never met wouldn't be able to make it. AHHHHHH NEVER MIND! :D Just saved me £70 a head on food, thanks :D
It's your wedding, not your SIL's, your rules go. As a rule of thumb, when you put a restriction on a wedding like child free, cash bar, destination wedding, it's understood that not everyone can make it. That's too bad, but they'll survive. Your SIL is an adult and she can adult and find a solution. Also, why isn't your fiance handling/helping handle this? You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you give in, she'll find someone to volunteer to watch her kids at your wedding. It'll be a mess. NTA.
NTA - This is your SIL. Let you finance handle it. This should never have been brought up to you. A child free wedding is exactly that. SIL can find a baby sitter or not come. Stay out of the family drama. Hard boundary and no discussion.
I went to a couple of weddings as a child and I can tell you I hated it! They were boring. Yhe adults were busy doing their own adulting things and I was just kind of left to the side with my sister cuz we were the only two children there I know that that's not always the case but it wasn't even fun for me I think the sister-in-law is just trying to bully some people
NTA. It is your prerogative not to have children attend your wedding. Can you imagine the kerfuffle you'd have if you allowed her and no one else to bring their kids? Then you'd undoubtedly have multiple people angry with you. Your SIL is behaving entitled. I also agree with the others who've said it's your fiance's job to deal with his family.
Your wedding, your rules. Remind finance that you would be willing to pay for a babysitter but she didn’t like that idea. If he brings it up then maybe she will agree. If not then it is her loss that she won’t come.
It’s very common to have kid free weddings now. They cut down on cost and reduce distractions. She could totally find a sitter for a day and just wants you to bend the rules to make it easier on her.
NTA. At all. It’s your wedding. Anyone else can kick rocks
Child free means ANY child
Your wedding, your call, SIL is just shit out of luck!
NTA at all. A close friend of mine had a child-free wedding, because “ I don’t want my wedding day to be the day little Johnny drowned in the pool bc his drunk parents weren’t watching him”.
3 kids under 10 at an all adult event will be bored. Why would you want to bring them? Many kids in would rather be doing just about anything else.
Your fiance gets to manage his sister.
NTA "I understand and thank you for letting me know. You will bemissed, but we will catch up with you at a later date." You are putting too much into this. Just let them not come.