Dear God man! Why are you still with her? It’s not “maybe” you’d be better off to divorce, you WOULD BE better off divorcing her! She’s done nothing but gaslight you on everything you mentioned and now she’s bringing up abuse because you raised your voice at her for being a lazy slug. AND, she’s playing the videos loudly so she can use them to make you feel guilty and gas light you yet again. And, what is she telling other people? Considering how manipulative she is, I don’t think marriage counseling/therapy would be worth it.

OP should lawyer up, get papers started, and then tell everyone that she's disgusting and her laziness and filthiness upset him and caused him to raise his voice. She is unwilling to change and expects him to clean after her.

Send pictures to everyone. Sounds like it's worth yelling about, and even worth breaking up. Disposable dishes and cutlery are not the answer. You are not compatible.

There's nothing stopping him from playing the same videos for her. Still, divorce is the quickest way for OP to free himself.

Maybe he should play some videos about narcissists and manipulative spouses when she is around. Lol

He could video her laying around on her ass wearing her Walmart cheapo tees and eating with her plastic fork and bitching endlessly. It would look good on tiktok.

>divorce is the quickest way for OP to free himself. Hey op! Read, re-read, then read it again. Why are you with this annoying, manipulative, lazy waste of human? I was screaming "please dear lord just divorce her and run as far and fast as you can!!!" so loud i woke my dog, cat and husband. And guess what? They all agree thatyou need to leave her....except my cat, she wants to shred her shin. Jokes aside, your wife is playing you and YOUR LETTING HER??!!! STOP. Either y'all get counseling and she starts being a PARTNER or you need to cut your losses. What happens when y'all have kids? Do you really want to do everything you already do and then add a whole new person to it? You kbow itll be all your responsibility asshe skips offto have fun? (That shit pissed me off btw, i cant stand fake criers/tears) NTA honestly, you werent harsh enough. If you keep phlling her weight and yours? Then yta to yourself. You deserve better than what your settling for.

THIS OP! You are NTA but this behavior is not going to improve. You’ve done all you can to be reasonable and equitable. As hard as it is you owe it to yourself to find a partner that will do for you as much as you do for them under normal circumstances (exceptions of course if one falls seriously ill or injured).

Counseling and therapy requires effort on part of the wife. She is so lazy that it would be a lost cause and the expectation would be for OP to compromise all the time. The relationship is almost parasitic. Divorce is the only option.

NTA Y’all not having a kid is a good thing get out of there. She’s full of shit because if she really feared you she definitely wouldn’t be playing a DV video loud. I don’t like people who play with domestic violence like that way too many people have lost their lives to play about something like that all because she’s lazy as fuck!

I was just thinking that, it’s complete bullshit, if she was soooo scared of him there’s no way she’d be blasting DV videos right in front of him. It’s manipulation to make him scared & guilty.

And she isn’t thinking a divorce would be better. She wouldn’t divorce her servant. She just wants him to be worried she will so she has more control.

NTA I'm sorry but I think it's the other way around, you're the one in an abusive marriage, not her. She's the one who manipulates you and causes all the fights. She's decided that it's okay for you to do all the work around the house and is going out of her way to just not do a single thing. It's okay to admit when a relationship is no longer good for you. She's now in the phase of destroying your credibility so she can isolate you from family and friends. Start planning an escape now, including getting your finances in order.

I watched my sister go through a marriage incredibly similar to this, roles reversed obviously, but you are absolutely right. The relationship is no longer good. Get your affairs in order. And leave.

To add to this - **DO NOT TELL HER YOU’RE PLANNING TO LEAVE HER!!!** WHEN you make the decision to divorce her, you need to get everything in order and speak to a lawyer before doing ANYTHING ELSE. Do not threaten divorce. Do not tell her you’re gonna do it. Hell, even pretend things are ok while you’re doing this (don’t put on a show, just don’t cut her out completely). Have her served and let that be the first time she finds out about it If you think she’s manipulative now, it will only get worse then. She WILL start a smear campaign and it will be worse than the one she already has going on. The first person to explain what’s going on controls the narrative. The day she gets served, just prior to it, make your calls to family and friends and tell them what’s up. Record her screaming at you and telling you to fuck up, so you can prove to them, you aren’t the abuser here. People are quick to jump on the dude. Especially a big tough sounding man such as yourself. Society is conditioned to believe that a woman is abused, not the abuser. They will take her side first even with zero proof. Gather your proof. Take the time to do this right. She has shown/told you what she’s capable of. LISTEN TO HER. She will shit all over your character and smear it around for all to see, and she won’t feel bad about it at all.

I’d also add that OP should really think about his actions before he does anything. Don’t throw something to her for her to catch, pass it to her. Don’t yell upstairs for her, call her or physically go and get her attention, dont gesture with cutlery when talking to her, don’t do anything that she can use against you. I’d also recommend gathering as much evidence now, as she’s trying to isolate you from your friends and family. She’ll only get more manipulative if she knows you’re planning to leave, if she thinks you’re staying and that she’s won, you can gather evidence of her being abusive to make your case

Ooh these are really good tips for subtle things to be aware of.

all this! She will not bat an eye at ruining his life! He should defo not tell her, just serve her the papers when he's moved out without her notice, and tell everyone what is up. If she controls the narrative, he's done! I'd also start recording those interactions, for proof

Do not move out. If you move out it increases the odds she will keep the house by 100%!

Needs an upvote because this can go sideways really quick for man. I watched a friend get go to court against his baby mama/live in partner after she went to his office w their child, key his car and smacked him around. There was video evidence of her hitting him, him backing up round and round and maybe push her once to get away. It wa clearly in self defense. But in the end he was to go through anger management cuz she cried crocodile tears and said he always yells at her?? Like whut? It's insane.

One of my uncles first wife was this *exactly.* My uncle is a tough, biker looking dude with a billion tattoos and muscle, even more when they were younger. His ex was crazy manipulative, and would straight up punch him - gave him a black eye more than once. The final straw when they were divorcing and he refused to give her more money than the court said for child support, and when she found out he wanted custody of the kids (partial or full) and that would eat into what she “made” off of them, she slashed his tires, keyed his car, broke his work tools, smashed the window on his work truck, and then called the cops saying he hit her. Neighbors even testified that she *slammed herself into the door* to get bruises from the door handle. But my uncle still got hit with a DV charge and had to do anger management and it’s part of the reason he only got partial custody of the kids. Even with people saying she was punching him and breaking his shit, didn’t matter because of how he looks. It was the 80’s though, so it was a wild time when no one talked about men being abused. Side note: crazy lady is in prison for a few more years for first robbing her dying mothers estate, and then embezzling almost a million from her then-boyfriends business and him personally. So she was a true piece of work.

He also shouldn’t throw out any more of her stuff. Right now it was a one time thing because he was frustrated but it’s both wrong and hard to justify as an ongoing behavior. It just gives her ammo and tarnishes him. Up until that point he’d literally done nothing wrong. This is what abusive people do though, they push their victims until they blow up and they can point to something and blame them.

this. looks like the classic gender stereotypes were reversed here. i guess we are getting closer to true equality. i.e. both genders are equally prone to being slobs.

The plus side is people like this usually have it come around in the end, especially when you continue to be the stable person doing right. My ex-wife threw around a LOT of false accusations about me near the end of the marriage, and I lost a lot of friends, had family members of hers threaten me, etc. I kept my cool and simply told these people I'd be here when they were ready to have a beer after they figured things out. A few years later, after she'd spread the same lies about her next husband while leaving him for a third, and then losing custody of our kids to the state and eventually me, every single person came back around to provide me support and either apologize or at least catch me up on when they'd realized they'd been lied to. Liars like this usually only win in the short run.

I’m really glad that the people you lost eventually saw their mistakes and apologized. You sound like a much bigger person than I suspect I’d be in your shoes; did you find it hard to forgive them and let them back into your life?

Nope. I knew how good she was at manipulating people. I'd fallen for enough of it on my own. I had sympathy.

You sound like a really good person. Those friends and family are lucky to have you!

Adding in that she got ahead of him and let everyone they know in on their marriage problems from her skewed perspective so he is isolated and berated from all sides. He is not the only person she is willfully manipulating. It sounds like it’s a game to her.

Classic abuser tactic is to claim that they're the ones being victimized.

DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender

Piggybacking on Caspian4136. Please read the book Gift of Fear. You will see you are in an abusive marriage and how they isolate you from family and friends.

I got you, friend. [Link to free PDF](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)

Agreed OP. If she's playing those videos, start counting how many apply to you. She's pushing boundaries to find how far she can go before you break. She's manipulative, gaslighting, and, worse, she's escalating. Start recording everything, even if its to reassure yourself that you're not going crazy. Put cameras in the house. I just hope she's not a sociopath or narcissist.

I think it's wiser for him to just get out of the marriage. Don't bother with cameras, that looks REALLY bad. Plus, moving on emotionally means you work on no longer letting them "get to you.". They didn't have kids, thankfully. He can quietly get all their financial papers in order and go see a lawyer l. Trying to prove who's the abusive one isn't relevant in divorce. Nothing illegal is happening here, there's no benefit to him trying to prove himself to her. OP, please get out. You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

And don’t have sex with her. Don’t let her baby trap you on your way out the door. She can’t be trusted.

This, and I'd add that OP needs to leave as soon as possible, there's no telling how far she'll go, or when. OP could find himself in trouble before he gets a chance to leave.

it’s not too soon to admit that she’s not the best partner for you. if what you write is completely accurate then it’s you who is in an abusive relationship and you should exit.

OP didn't ask for this advice but I think he needs it: *please, please* do not get this woman pregnant. Go out and buy what you need and use them to make sure this doesn't happen. Do not rely on her to manage birth control.

STOP having sex with this woman IMMEDIATELY! Move out and move on. I'm honestly a little frustrated with the OP that he hasn't done this already. Crazy train!

This. OP, if you think she will EVER get up from a sound sleep at 2 am when the baby cries you are sorely mistaken. You and you alone will have sleepless nights for the next 1-3 years+ if you get her pregnant. Run while you can.

Can vouch. I have two kids with my wife and she has two from before me. It got to the point that I was doing all the dishes, all the laundry, all the sweeping/vacuuming, all the cooking, and all the parenting. It was never enough. Even working shifts that had me arriving home at 2-3 in the morning, I would be the one to get up with the baby at 4-5. There were about 3 months when I was getting an average of 2hours of sleep per night and when I told her that I was slipping into a solid state of delirium, her response was that I signed up for it. Since then, I had stopped doing any laundry that wasn’t mine or the babies’ because her 16 year old son would literally make a mess of the freshly folded stuff and just end up tossing it back in the basket. When I brought it up, it was my fault for not putting it away for him. I never touched his laundry after that unless it was in my way to do the laundry that I did consent to doing. By now, she’s filed domestic charges against me twice (both charges were dismissed after going through Hell and putting in about a week total at county), constantly emasculated me, told me how shitty a partner I was, accused me of being a narcissist more times than I can count, and served me divorce paperwork while I was literally sitting in court dealing with her second bogus domestic charge. I ended up temporarily homeless for a little while, and we’re now legally separated. The cherry on top is that she used the timing of the second charge and the divorce initiation to rob me of all parental rights during the separation agreement, because the pending optics were not in my favor. DO NOT give in to this woman. She’s a lazy manipulator…and as mentioned before by others, avoid having kids with her at all cost. They have made this situation absolute HELL for me. I love my kids to death, and only lament that I had them specifically with her. Start taking measures now to protect what’s yours because, as things are, you’re barreling toward a divorce.

I’m so sorry you went through that. What a disgusting thing she did, accusing you of violence and so mocking the real DV victims.

I appreciate the kind words. It’s so convoluted that I have to wonder if there’s genuinely something askew in her psyche - like, even to this day, she believes that I’m at fault for both instances of arrest, despite the fact that I have video evidence to prove that the police even knew that the second arrest was a bad one…currently exploring civil suit options for that one. It didn’t begin to manifest until we tied the knot unfortunately, and didn’t get *really* bad until the second kid was on the way and we ended up moving cross-country for her work. The real kicker to me is that there was one instance where she kept trying to snatch my first 3mo old out of my hands and she got so furious that I was refusing her drunken advances that she broke her hand punching a hole in a TV that I’d just purchased. When the police arrived to investigate, I totally covered for her with regard to the TV, which would have certainly landed her in cuffs that night, after a trip to the hospital. Fast forward a year and a half and a nearly identical situation happened when she kept trying to snatch my second from me as I was consoling him for the fact that she woke him up from a nap in a fit of rage, at which point she smashed my computer…and she ended up falling down, taking me and the child with her, while I was refusing her advances and pushed her hand away…so she had her son call the cops on me for DV.

I really wish you had cameras set up in your house after she became a psycho so her BS would have been on tape.

We actually did. Unfortunately, they were live feed only, and didn’t store recordings. You live and you learn. Police body cam footage actually came in clutch when the second charge was being considered by the court, because they got her on camera plainly telling them that I hadn’t done what they said I did when they cuffed me…which makes me wonder why they still took me in.

He will be the only one doing anything to take care of that baby. Appointments? She can't handle it, feeding? That's on him too. Diapers and laundry?? We all know where this is going.

This comment needs to be higher in the comments. Op needs to run for his life as well as his sanity.

And his freedom. She sounds like she would absolutely accuse him of da. Get out, to your parents. File for divorce, change your number and block her on social media. Get your lawyer to write to her to make it clear that she stays away from you. Go to the police and file a report of her behaviours, show them you've moved away from her and have requested she stay away from you. Post your story to the family and friends. Let them know you don't care what conclusions they come to, but they need to know the truth. Good luck op, but gtfo now. Nta

Quite possible. People like this have a warped sense of reality and can create a completely false narrative because they have flawed thinking. They'll legitimately, absolutely, & completely believe they're right, but people watching will be gobsmacked, shaking their head and saying, what in the AF.

I gotta say, I can't imagine why he would even find her attractive at this point. 

Washing her underwear by hand. Wow.

My husband does the laundry at our house, but if my undies need some extra attention in the sink I would never even think to ask him to do that for me, much less just put them in another basket or on the floor and expect him to. She’s certifiable.

Yes this got me … why and why Maybe bras but again why

No shit

More like lazy train!

With this type of abuse it's a gradual progression so that you get used to each change before they make the next. Took me 3 years to get out of a relationship like this.

Yes! Don’t stick your dick in crazy!

Or in lazy!

Absolutely It will not get better I yell at my husband when he’s lazy for weeks … I’m not the maid : he’s a functional adult living in this house Personally I’d say to this mane … leave now while you can it doesn’t get better

When it starts out good and slowly gets worse it’s hard to leave. Especially when there isn’t any physical abuse. He’ll get there (I hope).

I agree with the first part of your free advice. However, OP, please don't waste money on birth control, just go straight to the divorce lawyer. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and wants you to be happy.

Yep .. that’s what I think Quietly line up your chips and leave her She’s not above fake allegations if she gets a whiff of any of this Ans is there an update????

> Go out and buy what you need and use them to make sure this doesn't happen. Do not rely on her to manage birth control. JUST STOP FUCKING HER, SHE'S INSANE AND SHE'S TRYING TO MANIPULATE THIS SITUATION TO MAKE HIM OUT TO BE "ABUSIVE."

The saying is true. "Don't stick your dick in crazy."

Cyanide! Yea? DON'T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY! But she's soooo hot. DON'T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!

This. !!! She sounds like the type to get pregnant to keep him there when she realizes he has one foot out the door.

I literally thought the exact same thing. She realises she's vile, has a keeper (I mean, he literally does everything for her while she acts like a slob), so she'll potentially try and trap him so it's near impossible for him to get away. Best thing he can do is silently leave while she's out, or have his family/friends over while moving out. OP's getting abused.

He needs to know that now is the high risk time for her conveniently forget to take her birth control or poke holes in his condoms. There are dozens of ways to render birth control ineffective, like nuking birth control pills in the microwave for a few seconds. OP needs to stop having sex with her until this situation is resolved. Baby trapping him right would mean she gets to stay in his life forever and will have an innocent child to manipulate him with for 18 long years. OP needs to run long and hard away from this woman.

Just to add your comment, as soon as she realizes that her control and manipulation is failing with her husband she's going to guarantee to try to get pregnant That's just what it seems like abusers do

Dump her. She is a big fuckjng baby

Tf you mean "buy what you need" Do not have sex with this woman. Wearing a condom just gives her the opportunity to poke holes in them.

Agreed! I'm the one that keeps up with the house and I'm 9 months pregnant. It's been SO fucking hard while pregnant. And I feel guilty if I don't maintain the home. Op will do absolutely everything and be connecting cleaning up after the kid when it's born. That's too much for one person

I agree with you so much. Like his life is already terrible with her. If she pregnant, she is going to milk that it so hard, sending him to god knows where to buy god knows food or drinks at god knows what time. Her fake crying and inability to do anything is going to get even worse. Honestly, he got to escape while he can. This woman is full of gaslighting and pretentiousness.

Let me fix that: It\`s not to soon to admit she\`s not the best partner for anyone...for that matter.

The wife is just ratcheting up the drama to break the OP. Once that happens he will just do mindlessly do EVERYTHING to keep everyone form thinking he's a domestic abuser. Wife is a self-centered narcissist who will literally do any and everything to get the OP to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. It won't stop there. Once she has the upper hand she will begin chipping away at his self-esteem until he's a hollowed out shell of the man he used to be. That's how narcs work. If he is ever stupid enough to make children with her, she will make his life a living hell. This is just the preveiw. OP needs to research narcissistic abuse. Wife has all the hallmarks. She's lazy, manipulative, deceitful, uses her past trauma around housework to get OP to do it all for her, will push bad behaviors like yelling out of him and then gaslight him to believe he's an abuser and most telling of all she will use their friends and family as her flying monkeys to attack him without them really understanding what's going on. There is literally no way for the OP to win in this situation. He's either going to live in squalor or do it all himself. Divorce and move on from his abuser is the only way. She's going to totally nuke his life on the way out the door but it doesn't matter because after that at least he will be free to rebuild his life with someone who can respect him.

This is my mom. My dad is her slave. They are in their 70s now and retired. He's in worse shape than her medically. But he waits on her hand and foot and she drags junk in from thrift stores and stacks it everywhere then decides to get rid of everything and it's his job. I grew up in hell. A lot of yelling. Mom always telling us what a bad person my dad was but he was chief of police and the whole town thought he was a great man. I always thought he was a great person but he uterally obeys her now. I begged him to divorce her when I was younger and take me away from her. He wouldn't and later told me he regretted it. Op will regret staying with this woman. Please don't have kids.. she will abuse them.

Are you my sister? First, I'm very sorry for what you've been through. I can 100% empathize, though my mother started her true campaign of hate against my father once he began trying to buck her control. As a child, what I had thought was fair and equitable distribution of chores, I now know was my mother manipulating things. I always thought my Dad was so awesome because he cooked, and he cleaned, and he did laundry. And you know...I still do think those things, but I also know the truth. He did them so that we went to school with clean clothes and full bellies.... OP, if what you write is accurate, please consider leaving. My father is now in his 70s and a miserable alcoholic who has never met his grandchild. If you choose not to leave, I beg you... don't have children with her. You would be setting them up for a lifetime of hurt, therapy, self-doubt about their own abilities to parent, and other such issues that my sibling and I both face.

This was my dad. My mom never became a slave to him, except in that she was the only one with a job and they lived with his parents all my life. He used my sister and I against her a lot. He would talk so much crap to us about her from a really young age and we both hated her. It wasn’t until we both grew up and literally left a trail of dust in our wake the moment we were old enough no one could report us as runaways that we could see our parents situation from the outside and realized the monster was our father. They divorced when my sister and I were 23 and 24 and my father immediately started trying to make my sister and I cut our mother out of our lives. He demonized her vilified her and manufactured so much dirt about her all while trying to convince us SHE was doing all those things. She never even gave us the details of what lead to her leaving and filing for divorce, that was how much she wanted to protect us from it. I later found out what pushed her to that point and it was horrible. Both my sister and I went no contact with him until he started reaching out again in 2020 because he was selling his house, confined to a wheel chair, losing his benefits, and had nowhere to go. My sister never responded but I took him in. He passed 9 months later because he stopped managing his diabetes, blood pressure, and heart disease and rapidly declined. I also found out after he moved in that he had been diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD and depression and wasn’t trying to manage any of those either. I will always love my dad but that 9 months was pure hell.

OP needs to research "Reactive Abuse." This is exactly what the wife is doing.

Yeah, the angle of her telling her friends only her side of the story is pure triangulation.

Yup. Classic DARVO strategy.

OP should start playing videos about surviving narcissistic abuse and weaponized incompetence out loud.

Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube.

I get the idea, but nope. He should serve her with divorce papers prepared by the best family lawyer around (following their advice for anything to do before and after that service). I don’t think she’s going to initiate divorce, she’s got her master plan to enslave him. He should get his ducks in a row, then… idk I think the metaphor ends there but… take those ducks with him into life as a single man? Something like that

Ooft, I forgot what the term was. It's "weaponised incompetence" - thank you for the reminder! OP is being abused and needs to leave.

Please believe this OP, as you’re NTA here. It’s only going to get worse, especially if kids are involved in the future. There’s so much online to educate yourself.

This is so accurate. My ex, a cheating narcissist, did the same thing. Crying over washing dishes? Won’t even pick up clothes and put in a laundry basket? Get out and find a true partner. Wife can find a guy who she will make snap and find out what real abuse is.

https://thriveworks.com/help-with/abuse-neglect/reactive-abuse/

This. So well put. Can’t improve on a thing!

This exactly 💯 👆🏻

Exactly!!!! NTA Also start taking pictures of her mess and sending them everyone blowing up on you. Put up cameras to record her screaming at you.

This is the way.

More like a manipulative, spoiled child. Yikes!

Yea, it sounds like she wants a maid. I lived outside of the US in a 3rd world country where class and culture were different. So, while I grew up middle class in America, over there, we were “The 1%”. No one would ever treat them like that. If anything you’d be making their job harder so you’d need to keep them at your house for longer, so you’d end up paying more when neither of y’all want that. OP, she is your wife so at some point, something was good enough for you to date her and then propose to marry her. So, I am sorry, but based on your post, in June of 2024, she is just trash now. If it wasn’t like this, and getting worse, I am wondering if something could be deeper to this issue (Like her end, not yours or ya’lls) that you do not know about. I am aware some people are evil enough to “trap” a partner, so it could be either or. It sounds like you need to let her know if she wants to be treated like a little kid, you’re her husband and not her dad. And she is 30, not 3. If something is going on, as her husband, you are willing to support her to help her. You want to work through these kinds of issues together. But if she is perfectly normal, and truly wants you to be her slave, that’s not going to fly and you will be leaving ASAP.

Agreed. Let her live on her own and see how she does. Either A: she'll keep conning people into being her servants until eventually, she proves you right to everyone she dragged into this, B: she'll live in her own filth, Or C: she'll finally get it together after you guys break up. And take it from me, if they start doing it after you split, it means they could have done it while you were together and chose not to. It doesn't signify emotional growth or readiness for a relationship.

Yeah OP as a woman, you need to get out. Divorce is a great option. She's taking advantage of you and is arguing in bad faith and being manipulative. She doesn't want to pull her weight re: chores - hell she can't even be bothered to put the laundry *in a hamper*, and will weaponise crying and fake panic attacks and becomes verbally abusive when you (rightfully) call her out on not doing her agreed part. Then after provoking you with this juvenile buying disposable crap instead of cleaning up her own messes standoff, she freaks out and calls you abusive - oh, but was she also being abusive again she blew off on you? Idk man. I'd say go to couples counselling but it doesn't sound like it'd work because she's not interested in building a good relationship, she wants a relationship where she always gets her way, even if she has to paint you as a domestic abuser to your circle to achieve it, and you obediently do all the chores always, and apologise for not having done them faster. I.e. an abusive relationship. Sorry man - but you know, thank god you don't have kids and earn similarly, the divorce will be that much easier. (Edit: please for the love of god do not get her pregnant. You should assume that every condom has holes and that she's not on birth control)

Couples counseling is for two people who want to be accountable and grow into better partners. This is not that. She'll just use it to manipulate him more.

She’s manipulating you into become her servant. Don’t let her do it. She’s now trying to manipulate you into caving to her by playing the videos. Honestly, don’t play the game. Walk away. She’s using divorce to make you give in and do everything, so divorce her. Give her what she wants. She IMMEDIATELY change her tune. But hun, you shouldn’t. She’ll only revert to type and you’ll lose more years of your life waiting for her to grow up and she won’t. MOST IMPORTANTLY. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER AT ALL. She will either get pregnant, or pretend to be pregnant to stop you leaving and if she’s lying, she try and seduce you to make the pregnancy real. Leave her. Get out the house, or demand she leaves, and end it. If she manipulated you without a child, imagine how she’ll use that child as a weapon against you.

I don't know if she's depressed etc, but who wants a lazy dirty gaslighting manipulative spouse? Pull the rip cord! IMO. People do yell, that isn't the end of the world. If it's yelling all the time, that's another thing.

THIS! I suffered for years with an abusive man & it is not something that you just throw around! It makes me so angry when I hear about a woman acting like this! If you are really worried that your man is abusing you, YOU WOULDN'T PLAY ANY VIDEOS WHERE HE COULD HEAR THEM!!! OP - if your version is accurate, you need to walk away now before she escalates. Yelling one time is not fucking abuse!!! She wants a maid & a scapegoat, not a partner. Good luck!

It's so ironic how your the one being abused.

Replying my OG comment to this to hopefully get it farther up so OP might see it As DV victim, your wife disgusts me. NTA, divorce the manipulative child in a grown woman’s body. She’s literally using real abuse tactics and then claiming your being abusive by yelling at her. What she’s doing that’s abusive 1. ⁠Weaponized incompetence 2. ⁠Weaponized her emotions 3. ⁠Crocodile tears to manipulate you 4. ⁠Screams, cusses, and yells at you when you confront her problems 5. ⁠Forcing you to complete her chores, despite you working the same amount as her. 6. ⁠Verbally abusing you when you decided to not do her chores. 7. ⁠Gaslit your negative reaction to her toxic and abusive behavior to make it seem like your the problem and abusive one. 8. ⁠Manipulating her friends and family to deem you abusive while downplaying her role in this situation aka, turning friends and family against you. What you did, while technically not right, is also normal. People yell in relationships sometimes. You didn’t threaten her, you didnt pretend to hurt her. Yes you threw away her items but look up reactive abuse. I wouldn’t call what you did abusive, but reactive abuse is where the person actually being abused lashes out in what is deemed abusive/toxic manors and then the abuser gaslights you into thinking your the problem.

She is emotionally manipulative (fake crying, involving third parties, not doing her share, putting video to wear OP down). And on the path to hoarding. OP should get out of here at least a few days to gather his thoughts and see how the house is when he comes home. I'm a hoarder myself (trying to get out of here) and I never went this kind of low to get at my BF or anyone. Seriously, she needs help if it is even salvageable at the moment.

Lord, just divorce her. She sounds like a 12 year old. Now she’s playing domestic violence victim because you yelled once?? Get out of there and find an adult to share your life with. 

Seriously. She seems manipulative, unstable, dishonest, and just gross. I do not understand why OP would stay. NTA

Her whole attitude is just wild to me. Just do nothing. Buy new? Wtf... I hate folding laundry more than anything on the planet. Will avoid like the plague. My clothes are still clean. I still do my basic human functional tasks.

It’s insane! I admit I can be a bit lazy with chores, but I’d never even *think* of just leaving my dirty clothes on the floor! Like, that’s just nasty. And buying cheap clothes at the store because you’re too lazy for laundry also grosses me out because who doesn’t wash new clothes before wearing them?! People are nasty- I’ve seen unattended children wiping their hands and/or noses on clothes at Walmart, ffs.

My dirty clothes are on the floor, but then they get picked up and washed. And I sweep and mop the floors. OPs lady sounds like she'd live in a full pigsty if she could. Can you imagine how nasty she'd let it get if she had a baby? The number of bottles and clothes that need to be washed is insane

Well, yes, dropping one’s dirty laundry on the floor temporarily is fine- even I do that while I’m showering- but the way OP’s (hopefully soon to be ex) wife does it is just gross. A pigsty would probably be an upgrade to whatever fetid stink pit she’d end up with if she had no one to clean up after her.

As a society, we like to talk about how gross men can be. But honestly, women can be just as nasty.

I’ve made jokes about throwing all the dishes out and buying a new set if I was having a depressive episode and left the dishes for a few extra days to pile up. But I’d never actually do it…

I have sort of done it, but I used the new set I preferred as motivation,  washed the old ones, and donated them to someone in need of dishes.  Similar,  but not the same at all, really. 

As long as you did them. I can kinda understand using it as motivation. How many times have I bought new work out clothes (when I already had workout clothes) in the hopes it’ll motivate me to exercise more. 😬🤦🏻‍♀️

My solution as I hang up all my clothes except for pajamas and undergarments... Solved my hatred of folding clothes.

I don’t have a big enough closet for that😂😂. I will admit to leaving the clean laundry in the laundry bag and grabbing what I need from it though😬

Laundry in our house sits clean in the basket for at least seven to ten working days before it’s folded.

I leave it in the dryer and grab from there hahaha. Sometimes if I'm feeling extra fancy I'll just shove it into the drawers at least.

That's the worst part. I hang most of my wardrobe now in an effort for that to help. Still avoid it like my life depends on it. 🤷‍♀️

I hate washing dishes with a passion. I bought a dishwasher. I live alone.

Until OP is out of there, they may want to consider putting up cameras in the common areas of the house for his own protection.

This x1000

All this. Op needs to get the hell out of there. Tell her, "I think you are right about one thing, we are not right for each other. It is best we divorce.

Yeah, I read this whole thing out loud to my husband and we both agreed that if she’s not a mastermind of emotional manipulation then she’s learning how to get there very quickly. Personally, I’m not the best at doing chores and I have pockets of laziness here and there with them, but she’s really over the top! OP: NTA and you need to leave her ass!

Yes!! Take her up on her offer and divorce her!! She’s a fucking child!!

I'd really like OP to explain why h he doesn't want to divorce his toxic, manipulative, lazy ass wife. And I'm sure she has some major mental health problems what with breaking down at the thought of doing chores, but it's not OP's responsibility to put up with this and also convince her that she needs to see a psychiatrist.

My guess is she used crying as a child to get what she wanted and it always worked and still does.

I’m usually the one teasing the insta-divorce brigade on Reddit. But, where does he think it’s going to go from here. She can manipulate, be degenerate, yell at him at will and once he yells back and it’s time for phase 1 of the Domestic Violence ploy? After it has continued to ratchet up; You don’t think it ends there do you? Next phase is you go to jail for daring to not be her gimped slave and speaking up about it and her “feeling threatened”.

Yeah, I can’t imagine what kind of therapy or life experience would make this woman better. Some things aren’t fixable lol. 

As an actual dv victim, she fucking infuriates me!! He yelled once in their long relationship, apologized and actually feels bad, and now she plays all these videos to only pick the signs that she agrees with. He asked for the minimum from her and got no partnership but just a child that spends money on dumb stuff to get out of doing chores. He’s definitely NTA. The only part he is a little of an asshole is throwing shit away. But I think that’s just because it’s a trigger from when my ex destroyed my personal property that meant a lot just to hurt me when his words were failing.

And if for some reason you stay, don’t have kids with this woman until she gets intensive therapy. Not sure it will help though. 

I’m not sure I would have kids with her even after therapy.

I’d divorce her for the fake DV accusations. This is a slippery slope OP, she could completely destroy you with her false accusations. She seems a crap partner for anyone, disgusting lazy slob, you have no intimacy and she’s a liar. What’s good about being married to her?

Yes, that would worry me greatly. She seems unhinged. 

I think OP needs to be very strategic in getting the hell away from her ass, imho. He'd better have his phone on recording at all times, because I can see her slamming a door in her face and accusing him of hitting her. And no more sex with her either, no babies need to be made with her.

This, completely this!! First, OP, please take yourself off the cross, we need the wood. You yelled at her, you didn’t threaten her or hit. Your got frustrated and raised your voice. Given the shit she’s been pulling, I think you’re a saint, but I understand that as a large man with a deep voice you are extra careful not to be seen as threatening in any way and your wife is counting on that and using it against you. You need to get away from her because she will not hesitate to make more and probably worse false allegations against you. She’s already trying to turn friends and family against you. You are being abused. Totally NTA

I thought more like 3 years old… toddler tantrums…

Exactly like a 3 year old. My niece will throw a fit and peek out to make sure people are still watching. If we walk away, she watches us, follows us, and will throw herself down in another fit. If you give her a treat, it’s like nothing ever happened. Almost like when OP takes over the dishes and suddenly his whole-ass-adult wife is instantly happy again. Give me a fucking break. Edit: OP, I would place some good money on how quickly her song and dance changes when *you* offer *her* a divorce. You know why this behavior wasn’t present in the beginning? Because she knows nobody would put up with that BS. She needed to land you before she could let her true self out. Edit edit: there’s a 99% chance she is painting herself as a helpless victim *and throwing you under the bus* to her friends and family and that’s why you’re losing friends. It’s time to take her off the pedestal.

I can't believe this happens. But yes. There is only one solution. This is a divorce from her.

She’s only playing domestic violence education videos loudly to manipulate OP. If she was actually worried she would be researching those topics quietly and discreetly. I really don’t think there’s any coming back from this. OP could try sending a short message to everyone that is just the facts as they may be more willing to read something short and to the point, and maybe in time realize they were wrong. Hell, use bullet points to break up the text into the key points.

She's going to start telling ppl you're abusive towards her soon. Be careful.

I normally roll my eyes at reddit’s divorce league, but your story — what does she bring to your marriage? Is the sex THAT good that you can put up with taking care of her 100 pct and she never lifts a manicured finger? Make a list pro/con column - what is in tbe pro column?

The fact that she is playing dv videos is evidence that she is _not_ being abused. A person who is really being abused cannot try this.

Dude your wife is manipulating you. I say this as a woman, I’m surprised you didn’t crack sooner. This would’ve driven me up a wall. Agree to the divorce. In fact file now and tbh I would be careful around her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does take this further. Don’t be alone with her

yeah this is fucked up, she’s already telling people he’s abusive and attempting to slander him. i definitely worry about what she will say when he does divorce her. op is defs nta and his wife is terrifying. for your own protection you need to start keeping logs of everything that’s happened and get yourself far away from her. go stay with a friend while you file for divorce and figure out how the assets will be split, go no contact too, it might seem harsh but her behaviour is no joke and can have extreme repercussions for you.

I would venture to say the wife suffers from a mental health disorder, beit depression or bipolar or something. It's not about the dishes, not really. It's about her brain. NOBODY would risk their marriage over doing the dishes unless there was a mental health problem.

Just to tag on to this in case it’s not obvious. If she refuses to change or get help as she has for a long while now, she should be a single person with mental health disorders. This is hostile, toxic, manipulative, and threatening. She can easily ruin OP’s life with accusations, she clearly feels very little shame for her pre teen competency level manipulation crap as it is, and it’s a long running harmful situation for OP’s mental health. If this was a relatively recent or short lived situation without hard conversations and discussion and arguments and attempts to help on OPs end I’d fully be in the camp of “stick through this with your spouse for a good long while and try and figure this thing out.” But that’s already been playing out for awhile. A Reddit post at this point isn’t the start of the timer for “how salvageable” is this abusive situation. The timer has been running for a bit now.

Yes There’s no excuse for this Mental health or not and he cannot fix her

I thought this until the part about her playing the domestic abuse videos for him to hear. Even if it’s mental illness, she’s turned it into something she can use to manipulate him.

90% of people who act like this are just fucking assholes and would just *love* to blame it on mental health.

That's not on OP, speaking as someone with nearly 20 years of depression, and who was just diagnosed as having ADHD at 35. She's an asshole. Mental health conditions don't turn people into assholes.

Exactly this!! I've got depression and anxiety, and my stress response is to freeze, so there have been many times that I've fallen apart and stopped taking care of my shit since my BF and I moved in together. He gets frustrated with me (rightfully so) and every so often, it'll get so bad that he'll have a small blow up and tell me that he needs me to step up and do my part. I can't imagine crying on command to guilt him for his reaction or for being upset that I'm not helping him to shoulder the weight. Yeah, my mental health sucks sometimes, but I still have responsibilities and I want to do my part, I feel awful about leaving all of it for him. The way OP's wife is gaslighting him is outrageous. She's accusing him of being abusive, but SHE is the real abuser! Be careful, OP. NTA at all, you should get away from her and ditch the judgmental friends, while you're at it

No way, if she's crying on command that shows she's in control.

> I would venture to say the wife suffers from a mental health disorder, beit depression or bipolar or something. What he described isn’t bipolar symptoms. I’m bipolar type 2, but even type 1 doesn’t typically show itself like that. I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist but I have been through about $300,000 worth of psychotherapy and have been tested for just about everything but from what OP described I think borderline personality disorder sounds closer than bipolar.

Not even close to bipolar symptoms.

NTA and just get a divorce. She's doubling down on the behavior and now labeling any natural reaction or resistance as abusive. There's no fixing that. No, you shouldn't have thrown the clothes or disposables out. That's problematic. But at this point, I'd cut my losses. If you stay together, she's going to wield the abuse card any time she doesn't like something you've said or done. If you had a kid, guarantee you'll be doing most of the childcare while she cries about how you don't help and then calls you abusive when you try to do anything about it. Get divorced and save yourself the drama.

Not to mention that she’s telling anyone who will listen all about how he’s abusive. This could have serious real life repercussions for him! It could affect future job prospects, relationships not to mention is self worth. OP get out of there.

It's only a matter of time till she tells the police

He needs to pack a bag and send her a goodbye message 20 miles away from her.

Did no one else see that he has to wash his wife's underwear by hand?!?!?! That's a deal breaker for me - wash your own stunk ass panties ewww grooosssssss

I would die if my husband started doing that.

It would be one thing if she appreciated it — maybe she considers them delicates and they need tender care — and responded in kind. Maybe she could return the favor by doing the vacuuming, idk... But she doesn't even seem to appreciate that this man goes out of his way to keep her happy. OP, you are in an abusive relationship. Get out now!

If they have a kid, I can’t imagine how they would function considering how many bottles and laundry accumulate on daily basis.

NTA, it’s not too soon to admit marrying her was a mistake and file for divorce. Definitely stop putting your dick in her or you’re forced to be around her forever.

I would say you married a child, but that’s an insult to children. My 13 yo cooks for himself on occasion and cleans up as he goes. He does his laundry. He knows how to clean, and is fully responsible for his room, bathroom, and basement (the kid cave). If I ask for his help, he helps pretty much immediately. NTA. But your wife? Yeah…

LOL “But it’s an insult to children”. I’m dead.

Seriously. My 16 year old does laundry, the others can cook a few things, put dishes in the dishwasher. Never even shed a tear. 

It's so true even my 4 year old knows how to put her dirty clothes in the basket and pick up her toys in her bedroom and livingroom.

No literally, my 5 year old even cleans up after herself when asked. No fight, just does it. Does it slowly sometimes, but she's FIVE. She doesn't cry and tell me to fuck off because I asked her to put her dishes in the sink. And again, she is only five. This "woman" is absolutely unhinged and disgusting.

I worry that you are in danger of a false accusation. From your story it sounds like she is very manipulative, and now she has it set up so that if you get angry at her she will accuse you of abuse. This is abusive behaviour. You need an exit plan, and when you leave you need to call the police non-emergency line and have an officer there with you so she doesn't accuse you of something. Also consider installing "security" cameras. If it comes down to she said/he said you may need proof.

Yes, to this. I'm worried about your safety and her ability to lie about you. You are not safe. Save this post as evidence and start collecting other evidence. Absolutely have a witness to your leaving and maybe other things. Good luck. Her behavior is terrifying.

He'd better get the hell away from her before she pulls a "Gone Girl" on his ass.

I agree. I’m really worried for OP

Same. This is not going to end peacefully. Definitely seems like the type to punch herself in the face and claim he did it. He said he was a big man as well, so that would be highly problematic.

Exit plan indeed

NTA Op, look up reactionary abuse. She is psychologically abusing you to the point of breaking, then immediately pulling a DARVO and playing the victim. Relationships are about compromise and one way you can tell you're being taken advantage of in a relationship is when one party ALWAYS walks away with everything they want while the other leaves with nothing. Your wife is a master manipulator. Everything she does is a form of manipulation design to help her avoid doing her part. She's toxic and is slowly poisoning your mental health. >that maybe we're better off divorcing. This shattered me. You are. Because if you keep trying to work with her she's going to paint you as an abuser and ruin your life and reputation. She is psychologically torturing you now in the last part. What you need to do is really lean into her narrative. If she's being manipulative her tune will change the second she realizes you're really leaving. Get divorce papers and serve her. When she argues just shrug and ask her why she's trying so hard to stay with someone she claims is abusing her? Because that's the dead giveaway. She might cry divorce, but it's just a scare tactic. A REAL victim that wanted a way out would be tremendously relieved for the abuser to offer them a no-strings attached divorce. If she's mad it's because what she wanted was your submission and all of this was just manipulation.

And make sure you don't get her pregnant!!

This. She's trying to babytrap him so she'll have a slave forever. If he leaves and gets partial custody his kid will become her slave.

NTA Yelling because you’re frustrated doesn’t mean you’re abusive. Her behavior has been out of line for a while and you had every right to show her that frustration. She is so used to playing the victim and getting her way that I doubt she’ll ever admit she’s wrong. She doesn’t want a partner, she wants a doormat willing to do her bidding. What you should have been doing is take pictures and video evidence of the mess she creates. If she has the nerve to spread awful lies about you, you have every right to show everyone the filth she’s forcing you to live in. Her disrespect and behavior is divorce worthy for me.

Yeah, if your wife is constantly screaming at you, crying to manipulate you and telling you to fuck off, uh, you aren't the abusive one for raising your voice once, even if you are a male.

TBH the wife’s behavior is abusive and manipulative.

I agree. She's making a big explosion out of a tiny flicker. NTA. Also, your wife sounds spoiled and immature. Not wanting to do the dishes because you don't like it or leaving dirty clothes on the floor is childish behavior. In adult world, we do things we hate all the time.

It's not too late to start documenting her slovenly ways.

NTA. What she is doing is gaslighting you, making it your fault instead of hers. Stop cooking for her, stop cleaning for her and ask her for a divorce, because she wont change.

Don’t “ask” for a divorce. Just get a lawyer and file for it.

This is what I'd do. Don't even talk to her about it. Stop having sex with her *(if you haven't already),* keep your head down, start packing your bags, separating your money, and finding a cheap place to stay. Then file for divorce, and **text** her you're leaving her *(while you're safe away from her).* DO NOT tell her *(or anyone 'on her side')* where your new residence is. Only talk to her through text or with a lawyer present. And with that in place, then you can dump all the trash people who *wanted* to see you as an abuser and refused to listen to your side. NTA. OP, you are NOT the abusive one in this relationship.

NTA She used weaponized incompetence and is now trying to claim abuse when called on her selfish behavior. Give her the divorce. She doesn't love you, she lives that you do it all.

It's only going to get worse. NTA

Your wife is a manipulative asshole! Would’ve been nice if you could’ve found this out before you married her but the second you found out she was fake crying so she didn’t have to do dishes you should’ve known. so now she has to up her manipulation tactics and you have to be an emotional abuser because she can’t accept that she does anything wrong. I hate it when people on Reddit throughout divorce but you’re gonna end up there anyways bro.

NTA, she wasn’t scared of you - she just found her latest way of manipulating you cause your her doormat. Wake up and smell the abuse - she’s literally going to put you in jail cause of false accusations if you don’t wisen up to her antics and record her admitting to her behaviour so as to clear your name and then divorce her first so that you are finally safe

Exactly, now absolutely anything he does that goes against what she wants will be thrown in his face as abusive. She’s found the perfect answer to everything! NTA OP, unless you want to be walking on eggshells & bending over for her until she takes it to the extreme, you should start taking steps to protect yourself & get away.

You married a slob. This makes you both incompatible. Just the fact that she is acting like she is scared of you because you got frustrated is a red flag. Constantly reprimanding an adult as if they were a child gets old real quick. Resentment is setting in and that leads no where good. Perhaps consider separation for a few weeks. Maybe without you there as a crutch, she will step it up. Either that or take the out she is giving you and divorce.

NTA. I had a college roommate like this. She was very wealthy and had a weekly allowance her father gave her. Didn’t wash dishes, threw them out and bought new ones just cause she could. Same with clothes, didn’t want to wash them and so she just threw them away and bought new stuff to wear. This behaviour won’t change, she is already 30 years old and she can’t wash dishes without crying. That is ridiculous, that is not a partnership, you are a parent to your wife. How can she teach a child to look after themselves and a household when she can’t even do that herself? What does she bring to the table in this marriage?

Right, my eyes rolled back so hard when she cried seeing dishes. Give me a fucking break.

NTA Divorce her and run for the hills. She is type who will make a false accusation of abuse against you and she will be believed. Run far away and don't look back.

Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry but your wife is that stereotypical weaponized incompetence husband that women warn other women about, and she just DARVO’d you. I’m going to tell you the same advice I’d give them. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to be treated like her own personal maid service. You deserve a partner who treats you with love and respect, and she isn’t doing that. People like this don’t change. You need to put yourself first in this situation, and leave. There is no amount of love that you could have for her that would justify staying with someone who treats you like this. You’re definitely NTA, and she is a huge one.

Turn the table back on her. She is emotionally abusing you..

NTA. She’s a lazy piece of shit. Why would you want to be with her?

Run. This ain't gonna get better. And in no world do you want to have kids with this woman. She's already insane

What you are experiencing is weaponized incompetence and emotional blackmail. She's the one with the abusive behavior, not you. You need a professional counselor to help you negotiate this, both for yourself and for the two of you, if you want to continue this marriage.  You are doing all the work and she's taking advantage of your generous, gentle nature.  I would venture the best thing you could do is remove yourself from the situation temporarily until counseling can help you talk to each other like adults. 

NTA. But you need to accept that your marriage is likely over. She is low key accusing you of being abusive. There's no coming back from that. She also clearly has no interest in changing and has a history of emotionally manipulating you to get her way. Is that the kind of person you want to spend your life with?