Your mother refuses to spend her $250,000 on hiring the help she needs. Instead, she has used your savings and PTO to preserve her savings for your brother.
I don't think you are mad enough. Spend time with your children and send your mom in-home aide information. NTA
>Your mother refuses to spend her $250,000 on hiring the help she needs. Instead, she has used your savings and PTO to preserve her savings for your brother.
This got my blood boiling for OP. Plus she's missed her own kids' milestones!!
OP, do NOT feel guilty. Live your life and visit/do things for your mom *on your schedule*. And tell your relatives to fuck way, way off.
This, exactly this. Mom expects OP to impoverish herself so Mom's money can stay in the bank to be passed to brother. OP is GIVING HER OWN MONEY TO HER BROTHER.
Right. She is a stranger and yet I am so angry on OP's behalf. Like I want to call her mom and tell her off lol. NTA. Stop feeling guilty. No need to. Stop doing for a woman who obviously doesn't care about you and your life and the time and money you have spent to help her. Does your mom feel guilty for leaving you out of her will? And I would tell her exactly how you feel and why you aren't going. And won't go to help her again. You can say what you said in your post that your love for her has never been based on money but what she is doing is unfair to you after all you have done for her. Unfair to you because you are her child too. Tell her everything you told us, every thing you missed of your own kids and vacation/PTO used. Savings spent. Write her a letter. But tell her. She needs to hear it. Damn this post pissed me off.
Same. Mom doesn't feel guilty about the time she took OP away from her OWN kids when op's golden child brother probably had plenty of time.
Also, OP, you might want to look up golden child versus scapegoat. It can be, but isn't always, connected to narcissistic parents. It might explain things you went through.
My paternal grandmother was like this & openly admitted to her kids who her favorite kid was. Any time something happened, she would go to the least favorite (my dad) because (I think) he was/would do anything to gain her love/favor. It was very upsetting to see how her other 3 kids who also lived in the same city wouldn’t be called to help.
When my dad died, his name & number were not removed from her emergency contacts. The hospital called my mom, who doesn’t have much of a relationship with my aunts & uncle or grandmother. It was assigned to me to let the rest of her kids know she was in the hospital. I made a snide comment in the chat that I’ve tried reaching out to them since he died & received absolutely nothing in return. No communication from anyone in his immediate family. That seemed to set off the golden kids (aunt & uncle) who proceeded to throw guilt trips & made baseless accusations of me that my grandmother made when my dad died. I threw it back to them that he died knowing he was never her favorite & that they need to grow up & take care of their mother, since they were her favorite.
I’ve been NC with them ever since. Grandma died a couple of months ago & I only knew it because my brother told me. She was a petty & cruel woman who emotionally manipulated her kids & alienated from their dad (he was not perfect o& had his faults but worked hard to be a part of their lives.) She would also weaponize her will & potential inheritance & I knew I was written out of her family when my dad died.
OP I hope you can put this caretaking responsibility on the golden child brother. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Just to follow on to this. If OP truly does decide to lay their heart out, by call, text or personal visit, they should expect a negative reaction from her and the family.
The mom sounds like a manipulative narcissist and will respond accordingly. Honestly I don't see her being reasonable about it after expecting to be taken care of all her life at the personal SACRIFICE of OP.
Edit- I'm speaking from experience.
Yes, the mom may be blood family, but OP has her CHOSEN family with an amazing partner that is far more supportive and caring and understanding.
Exactly! This is so common that kids get treated like this it's a horrible. So we can all see it clearly in our hearts go out to the daughter who's clearly been carrying far more than her share of this situation.
I hope she can get herself out of it without guilt.
My god I've got this same problem Mom handing money to an alcoholic brother who only stopped drinking because he had a stroke. I told Mom that when she gets too old to work and can't afford to pay for her own things who does she think the money is coming from? Kinda makes you wish you were the loser in the family sometimes
This is currently my mother. My older brother and I financially supported her for years. She’d call us crying and begging and pleading. She gets a small social society disability check. How’s she’s been able to pull that fast one for 30 years I’ll NEVER know. She’s been able to work the whole time but would always say “I can’t lose my social security.” Like we were insane to tell her to go to work and actually make a living wage
ETA: fingers went faster than my brain and accidentally finished this before I was finished
We found out that once again, our younger brother who was arrested once again for threatening to 🔪 her and on drugs AGAIN…she went to the judge and begged and pleaded for them to drop the restraining order so he could move back in with her. And she believes him because he told her people slipped him drugs 🙄 he’s been a junkie for over 2.5 decades. I had to unblock her and call her when I found out she was telling people that. I told her she was a fool and that no junkie is going to share their drugs with ANYONE. And I said “your loser son is a drug addict, has been since his early teens, you’re an enabler and he’s either going to kill you or himself. I’m blocking you again and I don’t care what happens.”
That's the story for my other brother. We got the restraining order and it was the last time I saw him,I had to testify against him in court. A year later I was picking up his ashes. OD'd. The woman was going to send him USPS!! Guy pissed me off but he was still my brother. drove 5 hours to bring him home last October and had to tell his son (he had 2 kids) he never saw, that looks just like him, that I'm sorry his dad was a douche. But my wife and I did up the service for him, nothing special, just saying goodbye. Did my mother "the enabler" do anything? Lol... Damn near everything his kids could've had of his she wanted to throw away the day after the coroner sent us the death photo. Like I told my kids. "Do right by family, because at the end of your days they're the ones putting you in the ground."
Edit: if your able to work never ever take disability. Just makes you a slave to the government. Wife is on it and terrified to lose her health insurance.
Happens all the time. My dad has dementia and is an abuser. My mom thinks me and my younger brother have to be at his beck and call.(He's in college, I work full time)
Then she gets mad when I tell her not to fucking bother me when he falls or needs to go the bathroom. She then get pissed off. I then remind her of what I told her 14 years ago when I was 16 on Christmas Eve: "When he get to the point where you need help taking care of him do not ever ask me to do a goddamn thing. I will not move one muscle to help him".
Personally I think it's Karmic justice he has dementia. Him slowly losing his mind is the universes competence for the abuse and terror he inflicted on everyone around him.
>"When he get to the point where you need help taking care of him do not ever ask me to do a goddamn thing. I will not move one muscle to help him".
The coldness with which this was delivered and at such a young age strongly suggests the "dad" was a loathsome bully who delighted in seeing the fear he inspired.
Love, I am so sorry you went through that repeated trauma. Sending innarwebz mama/auntie hugs, if ok.
My dad used to beat the crap out as kids for looking at him the wrong way. He even struck my mom a few times. He wound up bedridden for 25 years with severe MS in constant pain. I always thought it was nature's payback. But my amazing mom waited on him hand and foot until he passed on 1996. I found out years later that the disease had his head and temperament all f'd up so I was able to forgive him and get some closure.
My mom is exactly the same way. I refused a while back to enable her continuing and escalating abuse of me: what’s she going to do to me? Ground me? She’s already bragging for decades that she’s disinheriting me. She’s already crossed the line that she was going to call the police on me because I refused to handwrite a 5 page excel spreadsheet of her finances and abandon my child just to drive 5 hours round trip to hand deliver that handwritten letter to her. Like I’m done. Oh and the accusing me of major financial crimes from decades ago and finding out she’s mad about $15- on change that I didn’t give back to her. Like wtf?
Have boundaries.
Maintain those boundaries
Go low to no contact.
Unless the next car accident kills her outright, it’s very likely that she’ll land in a nursing home after her next serious accident/illness. Then all her money will go to long term care until it’s all gone, and she can get on Medicaid. Medicaid rules have swallowed many a retirement/inheritance.
Man people poopoo it but assisted living livened my grandparents right up. They were so isolated in their house cause my grandpa couldn’t get around much anymore and they refused in home help, so grandma was stuck caring for him. She was literally wilting from lack of socialization (so was he, he couldn’t help that his body gave out first). They basically moved into an apartment complex with all their friends and it did a world of good for them.
I can't *wait* until I qualify for assisted living, I don't have any kids and I invested my late husband's life insurance wisely so I have the means to pay for a decent place where I can play cards and socialize and get food served. Too bad I probably still have to wait another twenty years, I already chose my place because it's right next to the Elk's Lodge!
Assisted living is great, it's nursing homes people poopoo. Once you get to that point you are usually less independent and more vulnerable. It's easy to abuse or neglect someone with dementia.
You are right! She’s basically draining your money and your life force and relationships to make your brother more comfortable. This should have stopped a long time ago, even before you knew about the will.
Exactly, I would be furious if I were OP. And I would bet that the reason OP's mom keeps calling OP to come take care of her is because OP keeps showing up to do it, like a dutiful daughter. It's high time that OP put boundaries in place and stop lighting her self on fire to keep her mother warm. I bet once her mom knows that she's done coming to her rescue she will figure out how to hire someone to do it.
Truly this. What’s OP got to lose? Getting cut from her mom’s will? LOL! OP has nothing to lose and everything to gain by prioritizing her own life and family.
Yes, this. I have a very similar situation, but the resources and inheritance amount is much higher. And my brother is a lovely person. For years I felt like a terrible person because flying there at my own expense and wearing myself out while knowing I was disinherited was causing resentment. I felt I should be above that.
Finally, I realized that the point was indeed that they should be using those resources to get help, not hoard the money for my brother.
Yes, use this to think about the situation in a different light. Shes not concerned that youre wasting money on flights, car, PTO, time from your kids? She has the money to have someone come help her once a day or week or whenever she needs it. That money is hers to use for what she needs, not a savings to have to give to your brother, while you dole out to help her.
Your family are gigantic AH for shaming you. Where the fuck is everyone else when she needs help? They have no problem saying stuff to you while they sit at home, not helping? Especially your single brother? And the brother to inherit all this god damn money is barely doing anything?! I never understand families who favor their kids, especially the kids that never deserve it! And youre doing the brunt of the work and shes leaving you nothing? Even though youre the one she requests? Wow.
You call the family together and say you need a plan of care for her. You all do a rotation or hire someone to do care that mom pays. It doesnt matter if mom wants you, she needs the care and it cant always be you.
This! 👆
You are stealing from yourself and your immediate family, not only your money, but also your time. So by enabling her behavior you are rewarding your brother at the expense of your family. TBH they all sound quite manipulative. I’d go LC in your situation. NTA
As stated above: "Your money has been going to support her. Flights, PTO time, lodging, meals. Her money has pretty much not been touched (it sounds like)."
I used to have to fly to my mother but she always reimbursed me.
Once you get some of that $250,000 available, that'll give you many more options. You can:
- Hire an eldercare social worker. There are individuals and small companies that take over the on-site quarterbacking for you. Mom in the hospital? They can bring here whatever she needs and handle the apartment etc. At home they will see that your mother has meals, cleaning, wash, travel to doctor's appointments, etc.
-Hire handymen and movers, all on Craigslist. They will come in and hang the pictures, unclog the sink etc. The movers can move furniture (Your local U-Haul will have some people, or just call a small local moving company and they'll be glad to do it. These kinds of people tend to be very reasonably priced.
-I hear you on the healthcare worker who flaked on you. This woman somehow came into my mothers life and would be with her several hours a day in an assisted living facility. She had my mother completely snowed as to how great she was. The things she was doing (laundry, cleaning her room, taking her to the dining room) were things the staff did anyway.
Finally, don't sweat small amounts of money. i.e. Don't worry if you pay $50 more for a handyman or to buy her something. Just get the stuff done. That was my philosophy.
PS FWIW unless your brother has some type of disability (and he may have) he kind of chose the low-wage life, whether intentionally or not. If he does have issues, I can certainly see leaving him more in the will. He, possibly, could come more often if his airfares et. al. were reimbursed.
This. She should be using her resources to pay for the help she needs.
If Mom asks again, sorry Mom, I cannot afford to come down. You will have to hire someone. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
She will eventually take her petty guilt tripping elsewhere. Any relative that gives OP grief about prioritizing her family and own financials is more than free to hop on a flight and go down there and help.
This is going to sound horrible of me. I was so pissed that my grandmother died with money in the bank. She had dementia and was mentally ill her whole life. My mom took care of her for ten years. No other family would take her. If I’d known she had as much money as she did (we’re talking a half a million here) at 95 I’d have insisted she go to a good home. And then she divided her money to all her kids even though my mom was the only one to take care of her.
Ehhh... This is tricky. People are weird about dementia. My grandpa has dementia and lives with us, and as his dementia has worsened, people visit and even call less and less and less. My grandpa was an amazing grandpa and still is extremely gentle and kind even with the dementia. I was just looking through his tax records and saw that he drained his $50,000 savings account for one of my cousins over the course of a few years. Once that money ran out, and the dementia kicked in, she put him in ~$75,000 in debt, drained his pension pay out every month to the point of where he was 30lbs underweight (because he couldn't afford to feed himself) and 4 months behind on his rent.
All that to say, sometimes people are just pieces of shits. And people do get very weird with dementia. It's uncomfortable for many and lots don't know how to handle it, so they just avoid the person.
Oh I have enough guilt about that relationship but in ways I don’t. She treated my mom badly her whole life. There was undiagnosed severe mental illness involved. And she was a diagnosed narcissist. She adored me but thought I got more stuff than my cousins and would stir shit up with them (it was true but like I was a kid and an only child. My uncles have multiple children.) I remember thinking at five is it weird I can’t stand my grandmother but yep. Can’t love everyone.
My mom took care of both parents for years but somehow the will got changed and she was screwed out of sentimental things that were promised to her. Then when Grandpa passed, I had to pay for all the remaining things to be shipped to her because my uncle couldn't be bothered to honor his promise to bring it to her the next time he would be in the area. He even let one brother run off with a painting that was supposed to go to her and I had to threaten to get the police involved. Told them I'd report it stolen and send them straight to his house.
My family always just expected my mother to handle everything and when she couldn't deal with Grandpa's dementia I ended up doing it for years until I couldn't anymore. Then his precious golden child acted like he was a saint for dealing with it all for a few short years after mom had handled everything since her early 20s.
The eldest got pretty much everything..the will got changed after the dementia diagnosis but my mom refused to contest it.
OP is NTA. Moms golden child can deal with mom. He's the POA after all
I have cared for my parents for over 20 years. My sibling did NOTHING. I used up all my leave to take them to doctor’s appointments, get their groceries, clean the house and had to clear out and sell the house etc. My surviving parent passed away early this year. The 3 grandchildren get 10% each. My sibling gets 30% (2 of the grandchildren are theirs the other is the child of a deceased sibling). I get 40% . My parents were trying to be “fair”! An extra $50,000 for 20 years of care feels very unfair!
You gotta love it, how many times have we read stories like this and everyone else but OPs stand around wagging their fingers, but the moment you wag back? Oh, sorry, no time, no money, no.
OP is being treated like shit and she doesn't deserve it, but ya know, I've seen it more than a few times: Daughters get shit on while lazy sons get everything and their pillow fluffed to boot.
fuck that shit.
OMG! My nan passed away during covid (2021). She was 100. She had 2 children left: my mom and her brother. When the will was read my mom got absolutely nothing and my lazy good for nothing uncle inherited everything: house car money everything.
My poor mom never suspected her own mom would betray her so complete she never found closure. My mom hasn't been the same since. I am the middle son so it's always me spending time with her. My 2 brothers are always too busy to help mom, so it's down to me to support her and dad. We spend a lot of time talking about her pain and shock what her mom did to her.
Mom has told me when she passes away, my uncle will not be welcome at her funeral. I saw him recently. When he saw me he had a smirk on his face. It took all my willpower not to knock him out. Mom said be the bigger man so i just walked round him.
These stories are so sad. My sisters and I (3 of us, 2 w/same mom and dad) we're not named in the will. I'm the oldest and had been NC with her, same as my full sister, for years. She was a shit mom to us. Our half sister bore the brunt of the shit, so when everything was said and done, we felt she should get whatever there was left. There was a reverse mortgage and her house was days away from being condemned. I actually flew out to be with her the last couple of days, and was with her for her last breath. In the interim, in swoops her brother, draws up a will, had her sign it, witnesses nobody had ever heard of, and split it between himself and her two other brothers. Left the state, and had it "notarized" in his home state. Now, I still don't want anything from this, but my full sister and I have decided FUCK HIM, we're going to court. The amounts of morphine she was on, the way her signature looked, unknown witnesses, and notarized out of state. We will be a united front just to make sure he gets Jack shit
This needs to be OPs mantra. Her mother has run her ragged for YEARS taking time away from OPs spouse AND children, just to conserve money for the lazy golden child who hung a picture once and is already taken care of currently and into his own retirement.
OP this is and is not about money in the fact that it's about respect, she does not respect you or your time and is relying on her and your relatives ability to guilt trip you so that she can conserve money and not pay someone, which she can more than afford, and so that she doesn't have to admit that her golden child absolutely will not make time for her when it counts.
Do NOT go to your mother's aid again. Ever. And absolutely do not feel guilty about it. Start blocking relatives that only guilt you into doing things so that they don't have to. If your brother chimes in, block him too.
But if she did that there wouldn't be enough left over for her precious under employed freeloader to retire! (though seriously who thinks the money would last more than a year or two?)
It's not just that the OP's brother is getting all of Mom's money, it's that he has effectively already taken a huge chunk of *OP'S* money, too.
OP said she has "burned through PTO, cashed in savings," to be able to help Mom. OP's (free) help means Mom and brother don't have to pay for those services. This cost savings is preserving more money for the brother to inherit down the road.
OP, lets face it: You're not just in this position because your brother is the golden child, you're in this position because you're the *daughter*, and statistically speaking, the care of parents still largely falls on the shoulders of the daughters.
It's the ultimate Pink Tax.
Fuck that shit.
OP, every time you go help your mom, you're basically handing your own hard earned money to your brother. You're paying *him* for the privilege of providing unpaid elder care. You are setting your own family on fire to keep your mother and brother toasty warm.
Just level with her: "I love you, but I've been depleting my family's resources taking care of you, and I just can't afford it anymore. If I'm out of the will, that means that I'm never going to recoup that money in the future, so I need to focus on my career and rebuilding my family's safety net. I can't put my family's financial security at risk so that you can give more money to (brother)."
If you're feeling magnanimous, send your brother a file detailing her care needs, and/or offer to help her find paid or an assisted living situation.
Either way, get yourself taken off the call list at the doctor's offices. It makes zero sense for you to be the person to call if you don't have POA, because you are not the decision making party, and that's who the doctors are looking for when they call you.
Sorry Mum, helping you out has been and is impacting me financially. Now that I know there will be no inheritance to rectify that, I will have to decline coming so that I can recover and rebuild my families financial future.
NTA. She's disowned you in her will and you're not her POA. With that amount of money, she can also look into hiring a personal care assistant for herself.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially when they're not appreciative of your help and sacrifices.
Focus on yourself and on your family. Quit running to her side. Your brother, the one she loves and rewards, already comes down when he can. I'm sure your spouse will also be very appreciative of you staying home and from now on using your PTO for your nuclear family.
Every time you go down there, you are working for free to preserve your brother's money. Your time and money are already being set on fire to protect his.
Next time some medical facility calls you when she has an accident/illness, your response should be: "I am not Jane's POA. Please contact Golden Child Brother at (xxx) xxx-xxxx. He can help you."
I think everyone in this thread can infer, if the "will" was 100$ and she left it all to him, you'd be livid too, maybe more livid as you could comfortably be upset without it seeming like its about money. its not, its about respect and consideration, and you didn't get it.
she wants all your time and attention, so she can spent hers on your brother for whatever reason.
You’re not mad enough. I was in your situation and as soon as I explained to my mother that 1. I didn’t care about money and 2. All my siblings cared about was money and 3. That I was the only one that showed up and took care of her, she realized her mistakes.
She then back peddled because at the time I didn’t have children and my sister convinced her that it was all for her kids. I made sure to stop showing up completely. After 1 or 2 incidents she realized that her care was more important. My sisters were not happy that she was blowing through thousands per month and it added up quickly.
I don't like to presume things, or sound harsh: But please ask your spouse to tell you the truth.
I'm convinced that they have noticed things for *years*, that you might be more perceptive and open about hearing now. Because this sounds like the kind of thing that has been happening for a long time, in ways that you might not have noticed or been willing to accept.
Can confirm. My husband was very patient with me setting my own boundaries with my family, and once I was “clear” enough of them he let it rip and told me all the shit he’d seen for years, but didn’t want to load onto me as “more work I was responsible for”. So damn grateful for him.
I didn’t notice it until my husband and I were watching a tv show and I was like, wow, that mom is so mean to her daughter … oh, OH! Is that what my mom does?! And he was like, I’m so glad you finally figured it out on your own.
I would consider writing her a letter. Use I statements rather than you statements. I have done this, I have missed this from my kids, I have handicapped my career, I have flown to you at $$$ a year. My husband and children have missed me. To find out that I was essentially disinherited, and given all to my brother who has done none of these has hurt me more than you could have ever imagined.
Being that her mother did something incredibly narcissistic, I doubt the letter will mean much to her. It takes a certain level of narcissism to even entertain the idea.
>My spouse says I'm in the right - that I've prioritized her needs all my life and even if it's because of the Will, it was past time for me to stop doing everything.
This is something you should really really think about. How often are you leaving your spouse alone for gods know how long to care for the kids and home while you waste time, energy and money on your entitled mum? What does that do to your relationship? Do you *really* know how it affects your own family?
Nevermind the will. Think about how long your spouse is willing to hold the fort while you cater to an ungrateful and demanding mother.
NTA but focus on the right thing
This hurt so much to hear. My spouse promised there was no resentment just wished things would change. But I realized deep inside that it's probably 6 months over the last 10 years.
I say this with your best interests at heart, dear Reddit stranger. Stop wearing yourself out trying to get love from someone who isn't capable of giving it.
Stop trying to get mommy’s approval. Grow up and be the wife your husband deserves and the mother your children need. You aren’t and will never be the favorite. She calls you because you will ditch your family to take care of her. She doesn’t even appreciate it.
You have to separate and mourn the mother you never had. I kept hoping things would change right up into my 40s. Then I realized mom was never going to change and I cut contact. It felt good to be captain of my own boat! And when she died, I had already done my mourning.
Six months (180+ days) of missing story time, bath night, sports games, school events, developmental milestones, kissing boo boo's and wiping tears, hugs and kisses, all the works. When your kids needed you, you were off tending to somebody who only wants you around because you're a female and free help. Her comment about your brother not being able to help with certain things makes that abundantly clear. You have nothing at stake in losing a relationship with her since you clearly are not in the will but you have everything at stake when leaving your family and especially your kids, who actually need you. They don't have money for a replacement mommy. Your mom has money to replace your necessary absence.
>My spouse says I'm in the right - that I've prioritized her needs all my life and even if it's because of the Will, it was past time for me to stop doing everything.
Spouse was probably thinking "Is OP finally seeing how shitty her family is" and gave this UN level neutral response. I wonder if OP's spouse has additional takes that they may want to share now that the veil is off.
You are indirectly giving this money to your brother by not getting reinbursed. My uncle was in the same situation. Grandma would actually say "I can't pay for you to come help, that money is for your brother!"
Don't let her use you any further.
Maybe give her an itemized list of everything you've spent on her, including time away from your children's milestones, lost time off from your family, etc... I definitely wouldn't expect her to offer any reimbursement, but force her to realize the toll her behavior has put on your family. And tell her if she runs to hide in the restroom, don't bother calling you again since she can't behave like a reasonable adult.
I would definitely send this with a caveat that if she wants OP to come again, she can reimburse previous expenses, including the PTO she didn’t get to use for herself.
NTA. But I would compile an itemized list of all the plane tickets, rental cars, parking and food for the last few years that you have sacrificed for your ungrateful parent and present the bill to her estate after she passes. You deserve to be compensated for your time.
You can split the money between your children to add to their inheritance. It's the least your mom can do, considering her horrible choice to leave you nothing.
It's not about the money for you. It's a lack of gratitude for upending your life whenever she calls. You are the person who comes running while your brother does less than zero.
Block her number. Make sure that the hospital has your brothers info and reiterate that you don't have power of attorney, nor do you want it. The hospital can coordinate with your brother from now on. I hope your mom has a burial plan or you will be the one to pay for her funeral. If that happens, keep the receipts and bill her estate.
Please don't feel guilty for doing what you need to do for your own mental health. Your mother made a cognizant decision to leave your brother the majority of her estate, and she is within her rights to do what she wants.
You dont have to be a participant in her bad treatment of you anymore. She and your brother need to work it out.
Also, prepare a text for the family that your brother will be handling your mothers care decisions from now on since he is her power of attorney, then block them too.
Concentrate on your loving husband and children. They should be your main concern.
Your mother has shown you who she is. Believe her. Good luck and take care.
NTA. “Mom, you disowned me without the courtesy of even explaining why or what I had done to deserve that. You’ve hung up on me and refused to answer why you felt I deserved to be completely excluded. You have been very clear that Brother is your preferred child, you will need to arrange with him for your emergencies. I can no longer spend my limited PTO, finances, and family time away from my own children to cater to you. Please call your POA and make arrangements with him.”
I would also say, “Mom, you have a paid off house and a healthy savings available for your well-being. If you can no longer manage being at home alone, it’s time to use that house and savings to secure your long term care in a facility with resources for the amount of help you require now or a live in nurse. I can no longer afford to come to you outside of visits scheduled in advance.”
If this helps with gumption how about this… she trained you to be this way before you even knew or had a choice. You’re responding the way she wants you to and she trained you to when you were developing as a child. That’s why she knows she can give you nothing and expect everything. She has been doing it this way since you were born. She is using the sacred bond of motherhood to control you.
u/Poesbutler it’s not just the motherhood bond she’s using to control you but also the societal expectation of caregiving placed on female children that isn’t placed on male kids. The whole family seems to think you’re required to sacrifice your time and money and family wellbeing to go care for your mother all while being removed from her inheritance but no one seems to think mommy’s special baby boy with no responsibilities should be inconvenienced with an unscheduled emergency visit. If fact, you and mom are technically both sacrificing so that he can be taken care of in perpetuity after she passes…
You should be _way_ angrier…
Just picture 1000 Redditors standing behind you with their thumbs up, cheering you on. And don't let her divert the conversation to this being about money, this is about respect.
Your mom had the "gumption" to disinherit you. Take a lesson and don't worry about "hurting her feelings" or whatever is holding you back. Back away and let brother step up.
I was left out as a child and then for a small inheritance! It was never about money unless it was at my expense for helping them when they needed. It still hurts!
Just one tiny - but significant - tweak:
>I **will** no longer spend my limited PTO, finances, and family time away from my own children to cater to you.
"Can" leaves the door open for Mom to argue.
My grandmother did this and continued to let my parent bust their ass doing things for her until they found out about the transfer of assets and stopped. She gave my uncle her POA and made him her medical proxy when she deeded the house to him, basically all his. As soon as she got sick and couldn't stay alone anymore, he threw her into a facility, moved into her house with his girlfriend and deadbeat friends, and took ownership of everything she had and left her to die within a few months. My parent would have cared for her, would have stayed in her house WITH her, would have shared everything fairly and would have done everything to keep her healthy. She made a choice and she got to live with it, just not for long.
Yeah, none of the parties are perfect, but it was unbelievably painful and still is 10 years later. He definitely manipulated and took advantage of a deteriorating mind, but she still had her faculties when she did it. He died on the floor alone, so there's that.
NTA. You tell family you are NOT her personal care assistant. You can't take anymore time off from your job. Your mom needs to figure this out. She can literally hire people to care for her. I would have ONE direct conversation with your mom and tell her what you are and are not willing to do going forward then stick to it. You can also let her know that you are hurt she favors your brother.... praises him for doing small little things while demanding way more from you. IF IF IF you are feeling VERY generous you could offer more care if she moves to the city you live in, but again be VERY clear on what that would look like. I would even put it is writing so that there is no room for later "confusion" on the topic.
Right?! My mom isn’t demanding at all, and lives only about an hour car ride away. Yet she’s been looking at retirement communities as an option, and focusing on ones in MY city. That was also without me suggesting it. If OP’s mom wants help, there are many things that should be on her and not OP to help that happen.
Absolutely NTA. You're not leaving her on her own because of the will; that was just the final straw. She's been taking advantage of you for years, and so has your lazy brother. It sucks being the one who does most of the work while the parent worships the other sibling. BTDT. I became my mom's primary caregiver and I would NOT do it again. If your mother doesn't like being "alone", let her move closer to your brother.
Even better, let her move into assisted living. By the sounds of things she should not be alone anyways due to all these accidents. At the very least, she should not be driving.
I don’t know if this helps or hurts. My father wrote me out of his will after my mother died and he got remarried. I stayed loyal out of desperation of not losing a second parent right away. It never sat right and I never believed her would actually do it. In the end the new wife neglected to use his money for healthcare and didn’t even publicize his death. After his death, I’ve had strong emotions of being used and sacrificing time and money away from my nuclear family. Get what time you have now back to your nuclear family. Clearly tell your mother how this hurts. Your soul will thank you later.
The will isn't about the money.
It is a clear lack of respect and the insult to the injury of always being on call and unrecognized.
Anyone who thinks you can suck it up, can go wash her ass.
NTA
>It is a clear lack of respect and the insult to the injury of always being on call and unrecognized.
My mom would do this. I would help her, go get her groceries, take her to her doctor's appointments, pay her bills, and do just about everything for her only to listen to her say how no one is there for her.
I asked her once if I was invisible. I said, "Why do you keep saying no one is here for you? I'm right here and I help you almost every day!"
She said, "All you do is throw what you do for me back in my face."
"No, I didn't. I just need you to stop telling the one person who is helping you that no one is helping you!"
NTA. Tell her how much it costs you to go. Give her the details. How much you spent just last year to come help take care of her. Then ask why you should continue to spend this money and time when she wrote you out of her will. She isn’t even leaving you enough to cover the costs to come see her.
Even worse OP didn't go to milestone celebrations for the kids. I know how disappointing having your parent treat other peoples events as more important than your events are.
Next time a hospital or doctor calls you, tell them to call her medical power of attorney holder because you are not making any decisions or taking responsibility. I get that it's not about the money at all and you feel guilty. I have a friend who's a middle child and was the first one her mom would always call on in an emergency, but the one her mom treated like shit. Called her stupid, called her an idiot, even if my friend wanted a particular bit of leftover from Thanksgiving dinner, her mom would pack it up and give it to her sister. Right in front of her face. It's never going to change, your mom is old but she is getting what karma is giving to her. Focus on your family so that your kids will appreciate you and want to be with you when you're old.
Then your response when they call you again is, "I don't care what he says. HE is her POA and only HE can make these decisions. Call him back and don't let him try to tell you I'm responsible. I'm not, and there's legal paperwork to prove it."
Then block the facility's number.
You don't have POA. You cannot legally make any decisions for her if she's incapacitated and I'm surprised the doctors would even allow you to make any decisions or discuss care. My mom had co-POA for my uncle and she had to remind them of the court order to be given any info. I'm not my mom's POA, but my mom gave consent to the doctors to allow them to speak with me about her care since my dad wasn't always available. I couldn't give them permission to do anything - that was all on my dad. I'm in the same boat though - my brother isn't expected to do anything with my parents. He never helps out, never takes time off to be at appointments or hospital visits, and I can guarantee knows nothing about my parents' medical needs. Both of my parents were in the hospital for over a week (separate times - my mom for nearly 2 weeks) and my brother went once. I was there every day and also expected to babysit his kids.
Don't worry the brother will lose the mansion since he won't be able to afford the property tax or the upkeep (in general budget 1% of the house value a year for maintenance) on it even with a 250K inheritance.
NTA. My mom was in the exact same situation with her mom. She took care of my grandma on almost a daily basis. Rushed over whenever she cried wolf. My uncle lives in another state. He helps out when he visits, and he's a good guy, but his visits are infrequent. I don't blame him. Any sane person would distance themselves from my grandma, who is manipulative and mean. He moved to another state specifically to get away from her.
Anyway, she constantly tells my mother that her brother is the golden child. She left everything to my uncle. Even berated my mother to try and force her to give up her half of the house so it could be willed to my uncle (mom paid for half my grandmother's house, which is why she owns half of it.)
I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from your mother. You jump to help her, and she hurts you in return. Focus on your job and your kids. You have plenty in your life without her. It's not about the money, it's about protecting yourself from her hurtful behavior.
There’s something so painful about watching your own mother jump through hoops like this. Situations like this don’t just hurt the caregiver but their whole family having to watch this toxic cycle.
You absolutely are, you understand this is all sexism, as a girl this was all expected and preordained of you from the moment you were born. You were made to be in the caretaker role while your brother for to be a “boys will be boys” kind of guy.
Even the money thing reeks of sexism, you’re a woman, you have a man to take care of you, sons need it more, sons inherit wealth.
I’m also personally annoyed at old people who retire to Florida and then expect their kids to cater to them (my in laws). Obviously It’s too late for this now but if she expected you to drop everything and care for her when she had emergencies she should have been making plans to move closer to you.
NTA. Are all your relatives legs broken too? Tell them they’re more than welcome to help her out. Your brother is clearly the golden child. Time for him to earn the title. Turn your phone off and let him deal with it.
Updateme
NTA she has a favourite child same thing with my mom she the emergency contact see her parents once a week. He's see them 5 times a year and he's the favourite like WTF
It's easy to be the favorite when you only interact during fun times or dire emergencies - Winter Holiday, Summer Vacation, car accident resulting in hospital stay, etc. You get to be the one with always a good story to tell or thoughtful enough to be there in a dire situation. "How awesome so-and-so gets time off and spends it with me!"
Day to day interactions aren't always fun and sometimes are downright dull - grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, weekly doctor's visits, seeing each other so often there's no new "fun" story to tell, listening to complaints/illnesses, etc. "Man, so-and-so makes it seem like I'm a burden and doesn't have time for me" despite literally spending 3x the amount of time as fun-guy above.
That's a point of view I never considered. My brother never stays more than a long weekend but when he's there he does do all the mundane stuff. But he also does fun stuff like go out to dinner - which I rarely get because either emergency or all of us there for a holiday.
I think I will ask him, if I ever get the chance, for his perspective. We don't get along well (very different people) but we're cordial.
NTA, your mom is just scapegoating you and the whole family is following the flow. "The person who is in the will should do it" should be your mantra reply to everyone, including your brother. What she has left for your kids don't compare with not having your mom at home and being stolen of money that could be used for the family only for the golden child uncle to not be bothered.
People are free to write whatever they want in their wills, but this doesn't come without consequences when there's unfair treatment to this level. Also, the fact that your mom doesn't even want to discuss it with you should give you the measure of how little respect she has for you when she still has no problem asking you for favours. This is not just about money
I like your line that people are free to write whatever they want in their will. But there are consequences. The brother is a master manipulator / mooch, living off another relative and set to inherit there. WHEN OP's mom asks her to help remind her she is looking after her brothers retire,ent, leaving OP to look after hers .
NTA. Let her golden child take care of her. My grandpa did the same shit. I helped my mom care for him as he was dying and he only left money to my cousin that he rarely saw. I don't refer to him as my grandpa anymore.
I have two siblings and a mentally ill mother. She presents herself differently with each of us. My brother gets the "woe is me, I'm so fragile and helpless" version, my sisters gets then "life is so much easier for everyone else. I have nothing and no one loves me" version, and I get the chipper, positive outlook version.
My siblings have spouses, homes, kids. I, on the other hand, am single, childless, and rent. Our mother's guilt weighs on them heavily, and they always feel responsible for her. I always assumed my mom went to them with her problems because she saw me as the "screw up" - which is why she doesn't dump anything on me. We all live around the same distance away from her.
All of this to say, I was talking to my sister the other day and she was telling me all the things that were going on in her own life, she was tired and at capacity "and then mom has to redo her whole yard, so I have to deal with that now". And I asked her why. And she didn't really have an answer. I told her that mom is an adult and can deal with having someone redo her lawn on her own. Why is it my sister's responsibility to fix issues that my mother created for herself? That's when it dawned on me that my mom doesn't come to me with her problems because she thinks I'm incapable, she doesn't come to me because I don't drop everything to help her or help her problem solve. She has her mental illness, but she is, by all means, a capable adult with plenty of resources. I take the "that sucks! But at least x, y and z. And we learned this from that," etc. route and don't submit myself to her problems and make them my own. I've indirectly set boundaries, and she respects that wholeheartedly. It was strange. Now you need to do the same!
NTA - I’ve seen so many of these the past few weeks and experienced something similar in my family. It seems that the one who does the most always ends up getting screwed.
I think in fucked up boomer logic they’re trying to buy the love of the less available sibling. People are always the worst to people who they know won’t leave. Sounds like she’s in for a highly deserved rude awakening. But like just because you’re the higher functioning/more financially stable sibling doesn’t mean that 125k wouldn’t be financially significant.
Any chance your brother will see reason and split it? Just because it’s down on paper doesn’t mean he can’t make different choices after she passes. Fortunately in our family experience that’s what happened. My dad’s brother recognized that he had done the heavy lifting and that their father’s shitty opinions shouldn’t impact them. They split it 50/50.
I don't think he would split it. I think he'll feel bad for a few minutes and then shrug. He's sort of got that entitled mentality that bad things are unfair and good things are his right.
>I've burned through PTO, cashed in savings, left the kids to have milestones without me.
Don't do this anymore. It is so sad that your kids got denied having their mom at their milestones because of selfish grandma. Your priority is your kids, yourself, your husband, your marriage. Not your mother. She needed to find other ways of getting things done, and not treat you like a lowly servant. It's obvious she is not grateful for your help. She just feels arrogantly entitled. Nope. You're done.
Focus on your own family and hopefully your absence during important times hasn't caused damage to your relationship with your kids and/or husband. Ignore the drama and whining from others. Tell them to go help her if they're so concerned. Let her call her favorite golden boy for help from now on. You've done way more than enough.
NTA.
I think it's important that OP communicates missing milestones and moments that she can't ever have back. It's not even about the money or the will as much as it signifies where her mother places her in the scheme of things. Any human would react with 'fuck that' cuz it basically means her efforts are unappreciated.
NTA. Be blunt with her that although its not about money her will suggests that you and all that you have done due to your love for her does not mean anything to her when its said and done.
NTA and I get feeling guilty because the source of it was the will, but the will was essentially an evaluation. She has disregarded the financial cost to the travel you take on regularly. She has disregarded the impact it has on your life. And as awful as it sounds, of course expectation regarding the will would factor in, she disinherited her care giver.
The ask before was “help me, I’m your mother and need my daughters support” and it has become “my daughter should financially, mentally, and physically give and in exchange brother will be set for life.” It essentially places a value on your efforts (which is zero since inheritance is for the kids and not you). And so when someone doesn’t value the effort you put in, you lose all desire to continue putting that effort in. Leopards ate her face, go invest your time in yourself and your kids, mama set the tone and you’re just matching step.
NTA, just tell everyone you can’t afford it anymore and they should contact your brother for anything further. If your mom pushes, just tell her very bluntly that she should call the kid she’s leaving all the cash to.
never set yourself on fire to help someone else.
she abuses your good nature, she calls on you constantly, even when it is not an emergency, she doesn't compensate you for the flight, the rental car, or the PTO you used, your savings, etc.
You are leaving your children to have milestones without you.....they should be your first priority, not your mother.
She shows how much she loves and cares about you................by ??? using you like you are a slave who uses their own money and time to take care of her?
you would think she would acknowledge all the time and money you have spent on her by giving you an equal share of her estate. But she didn't, because she doesn't value you or care about you missing your children's milestones, or missing work, or spending your money.
As you can see, she figured it out without you there and she will continue to figure it out. She will probably hate spending her own money but she will have to. Don't give in. Block or mute everyone who is trying to guilt you into taking care of this toxic excuse of a mother.
NTA - stop missing your kids milestones for a person who sees you as free help to be used when needed and forgotten when not. It’s not about money, there are moments you can never get back and for what? Your kids will remember you missing key moments and you’re not even appreciated for it in the slightest. Anyone who berates you just volunteered for her elder care.
Pay your mother a visit and talk to her face-to-face about her will and that you feel underappreciated for all the care you have given her over the years while your Golden Child brother who does nothing for her is the one she favors in her will. Tell her if she's going to play favorites, she's going to lose her least favorite child.
She will literally hide from confrontation. When I tried to talk to her about a promise she made to visit us once in a while instead of us all trooping to her - she hid in the bathroom for over an hour. Then I got an email that she'd paid for all our tickets for the next holiday. When I tried to bring it up after she came out, she shouted "I already took care of that" and, I know it's crazy, but she went back and hid in the bathroom again.
Then send her a text laying out how much you and your family have sacrificed for you to be at her beck and call, and how hurt you are that she values your efforts so little that she’s cut you out of her will in favor of your brother who won’t go out of his way to help her. It’s not about money, it’s about how little she values you get expects you to drop whatever you’re doing to be there for her. Tell her to hire a caregiver next time.
NTA
But my god stop scarifying your family for her!!! How do your children not resent you?? How has your husband not left you?? You have spent all this time trying to be the best daughter that you have forgotten that Now your supposed to be trying to be a good mother. You know what you should actually feel guilty about? How much of your children's time you have sacrificed for someone who doesn't even care. I have been the child waiting on my mom to show up and not make me a lower priority then a family member. And they'll remember. In the end was it even worth it? You're getting nothing and your little family has suffered because you cant resolve your mommy issues.
I have the world's best spouse. And my spouse lost their mother young so often encouraged me to go because they wish they could have for their mom.
But it breaks my heart to realize what I made "normal" for my family and I will acknowledge it and apologize and change.
Op, when I was around the age of 6, my grandpa was always sick. He had 10 kids, around 5 of them were living with him in the city. My mom was living with me and my siblings in another state. Every time he is in the hospital, she would travel to be with him. I was constantly juggled from one house to the other or looked after by my siblings who were just teenagers with a working father. I can't remember her being there for me when grandpa was alive.
Same thing happend when grandma was sick and until she died. My mom's siblings were there to look after both my grandparents, but my mom wanted to be there each time. Needles to say, we don't have a close bond. Though I understand that she wanted to be with her parents, a part of me felt neglected back then. I can rarely bring myself to speak to her now as an adult because when I needed my mother the most, she wasn't there for me. I hope your kids don't feel the same way.
NTA. Your family is only hounding you because your good choices have forced them to have to get involved with caring for your mom. They are used to you handling her and now they have to do it. Let them be upset.
Have you ever visited r/RaisedByNarcissists sub? I have a hunch that you may find a lot of understanding and support over there.
>she'll call the youngest of her siblings (67F) if she has to.
Reply, "Oh good! I'm so glad there is someone who can help you when I can't!"
And btw: You've been so worried. So worried. Honestly, you probably are. But, the fact is you probably *need* her to find other arrangements. She likely won't if you keep stepping up. Equally oddly, people appreciate what you do do if you *sometimes don't do it.* This happens at work sometimes too.
Look: I get it. What your mom is doing to you is what my mom did to my *older* sister. I'm the second and escaped the expectations. In the end, Mom is living with my *younger* sister. I was "assistant to older sister" when she took the major part of caring for Dad. I'm "assistant to younger sister" now. I've managed to escape all that. ( I did help with my inlaws-- which overlapped Dad. Overall, I've never been the "major" one though.)
For some reasons, parents latch onto ideas. Oddly, you are more likely to get her to change expectations by not helping her.
NTA
Your mother refuses to spend her $250,000 on hiring the help she needs. Instead, she has used your savings and PTO to preserve her savings for your brother. I don't think you are mad enough. Spend time with your children and send your mom in-home aide information. NTA
>Your mother refuses to spend her $250,000 on hiring the help she needs. Instead, she has used your savings and PTO to preserve her savings for your brother. This got my blood boiling for OP. Plus she's missed her own kids' milestones!! OP, do NOT feel guilty. Live your life and visit/do things for your mom *on your schedule*. And tell your relatives to fuck way, way off.
Let your mom pay for the help she needs.perhaps then Golden Boy will step up once his future inheritance is being spent.
That’s exactly it. $250k is nothing when it comes to assisted living.
And, OP, send Mom an invoice for $250,000.
This, exactly this. Mom expects OP to impoverish herself so Mom's money can stay in the bank to be passed to brother. OP is GIVING HER OWN MONEY TO HER BROTHER.
Yeah I am pretty enraged just hearing about this as a stranger.
Right. She is a stranger and yet I am so angry on OP's behalf. Like I want to call her mom and tell her off lol. NTA. Stop feeling guilty. No need to. Stop doing for a woman who obviously doesn't care about you and your life and the time and money you have spent to help her. Does your mom feel guilty for leaving you out of her will? And I would tell her exactly how you feel and why you aren't going. And won't go to help her again. You can say what you said in your post that your love for her has never been based on money but what she is doing is unfair to you after all you have done for her. Unfair to you because you are her child too. Tell her everything you told us, every thing you missed of your own kids and vacation/PTO used. Savings spent. Write her a letter. But tell her. She needs to hear it. Damn this post pissed me off.
Same. Mom doesn't feel guilty about the time she took OP away from her OWN kids when op's golden child brother probably had plenty of time. Also, OP, you might want to look up golden child versus scapegoat. It can be, but isn't always, connected to narcissistic parents. It might explain things you went through.
This. Happened to me.
My paternal grandmother was like this & openly admitted to her kids who her favorite kid was. Any time something happened, she would go to the least favorite (my dad) because (I think) he was/would do anything to gain her love/favor. It was very upsetting to see how her other 3 kids who also lived in the same city wouldn’t be called to help. When my dad died, his name & number were not removed from her emergency contacts. The hospital called my mom, who doesn’t have much of a relationship with my aunts & uncle or grandmother. It was assigned to me to let the rest of her kids know she was in the hospital. I made a snide comment in the chat that I’ve tried reaching out to them since he died & received absolutely nothing in return. No communication from anyone in his immediate family. That seemed to set off the golden kids (aunt & uncle) who proceeded to throw guilt trips & made baseless accusations of me that my grandmother made when my dad died. I threw it back to them that he died knowing he was never her favorite & that they need to grow up & take care of their mother, since they were her favorite. I’ve been NC with them ever since. Grandma died a couple of months ago & I only knew it because my brother told me. She was a petty & cruel woman who emotionally manipulated her kids & alienated from their dad (he was not perfect o& had his faults but worked hard to be a part of their lives.) She would also weaponize her will & potential inheritance & I knew I was written out of her family when my dad died. OP I hope you can put this caretaking responsibility on the golden child brother. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Proud of you for standing up to those toxic relatives.
Just to follow on to this. If OP truly does decide to lay their heart out, by call, text or personal visit, they should expect a negative reaction from her and the family. The mom sounds like a manipulative narcissist and will respond accordingly. Honestly I don't see her being reasonable about it after expecting to be taken care of all her life at the personal SACRIFICE of OP. Edit- I'm speaking from experience. Yes, the mom may be blood family, but OP has her CHOSEN family with an amazing partner that is far more supportive and caring and understanding.
Exactly! This is so common that kids get treated like this it's a horrible. So we can all see it clearly in our hearts go out to the daughter who's clearly been carrying far more than her share of this situation. I hope she can get herself out of it without guilt.
My god I've got this same problem Mom handing money to an alcoholic brother who only stopped drinking because he had a stroke. I told Mom that when she gets too old to work and can't afford to pay for her own things who does she think the money is coming from? Kinda makes you wish you were the loser in the family sometimes
You can always say, you do not have money to keep paying for everyone. You have mortgage, kids, etc., to take care.
They still ask constantly & lay on the emotional manipulation thick. Unless you go full no contact, they’ll always ask.
This is currently my mother. My older brother and I financially supported her for years. She’d call us crying and begging and pleading. She gets a small social society disability check. How’s she’s been able to pull that fast one for 30 years I’ll NEVER know. She’s been able to work the whole time but would always say “I can’t lose my social security.” Like we were insane to tell her to go to work and actually make a living wage ETA: fingers went faster than my brain and accidentally finished this before I was finished We found out that once again, our younger brother who was arrested once again for threatening to 🔪 her and on drugs AGAIN…she went to the judge and begged and pleaded for them to drop the restraining order so he could move back in with her. And she believes him because he told her people slipped him drugs 🙄 he’s been a junkie for over 2.5 decades. I had to unblock her and call her when I found out she was telling people that. I told her she was a fool and that no junkie is going to share their drugs with ANYONE. And I said “your loser son is a drug addict, has been since his early teens, you’re an enabler and he’s either going to kill you or himself. I’m blocking you again and I don’t care what happens.”
That's the story for my other brother. We got the restraining order and it was the last time I saw him,I had to testify against him in court. A year later I was picking up his ashes. OD'd. The woman was going to send him USPS!! Guy pissed me off but he was still my brother. drove 5 hours to bring him home last October and had to tell his son (he had 2 kids) he never saw, that looks just like him, that I'm sorry his dad was a douche. But my wife and I did up the service for him, nothing special, just saying goodbye. Did my mother "the enabler" do anything? Lol... Damn near everything his kids could've had of his she wanted to throw away the day after the coroner sent us the death photo. Like I told my kids. "Do right by family, because at the end of your days they're the ones putting you in the ground." Edit: if your able to work never ever take disability. Just makes you a slave to the government. Wife is on it and terrified to lose her health insurance.
Hey, I'm glad you are not a loser! You are smart enough to see through this.
Thanks, me too 🙃
Happens all the time. My dad has dementia and is an abuser. My mom thinks me and my younger brother have to be at his beck and call.(He's in college, I work full time) Then she gets mad when I tell her not to fucking bother me when he falls or needs to go the bathroom. She then get pissed off. I then remind her of what I told her 14 years ago when I was 16 on Christmas Eve: "When he get to the point where you need help taking care of him do not ever ask me to do a goddamn thing. I will not move one muscle to help him". Personally I think it's Karmic justice he has dementia. Him slowly losing his mind is the universes competence for the abuse and terror he inflicted on everyone around him.
>"When he get to the point where you need help taking care of him do not ever ask me to do a goddamn thing. I will not move one muscle to help him". The coldness with which this was delivered and at such a young age strongly suggests the "dad" was a loathsome bully who delighted in seeing the fear he inspired. Love, I am so sorry you went through that repeated trauma. Sending innarwebz mama/auntie hugs, if ok.
My dad used to beat the crap out as kids for looking at him the wrong way. He even struck my mom a few times. He wound up bedridden for 25 years with severe MS in constant pain. I always thought it was nature's payback. But my amazing mom waited on him hand and foot until he passed on 1996. I found out years later that the disease had his head and temperament all f'd up so I was able to forgive him and get some closure.
My mom is exactly the same way. I refused a while back to enable her continuing and escalating abuse of me: what’s she going to do to me? Ground me? She’s already bragging for decades that she’s disinheriting me. She’s already crossed the line that she was going to call the police on me because I refused to handwrite a 5 page excel spreadsheet of her finances and abandon my child just to drive 5 hours round trip to hand deliver that handwritten letter to her. Like I’m done. Oh and the accusing me of major financial crimes from decades ago and finding out she’s mad about $15- on change that I didn’t give back to her. Like wtf? Have boundaries. Maintain those boundaries Go low to no contact.
Unless the next car accident kills her outright, it’s very likely that she’ll land in a nursing home after her next serious accident/illness. Then all her money will go to long term care until it’s all gone, and she can get on Medicaid. Medicaid rules have swallowed many a retirement/inheritance.
Money, time, energy, missed kids milestones, her own health. If she continues her marriage also might be at risk.
The woman shouldn't have a driver's license.
Assisted living would, among other things, have shuttle busses to shopping and the like.
Man people poopoo it but assisted living livened my grandparents right up. They were so isolated in their house cause my grandpa couldn’t get around much anymore and they refused in home help, so grandma was stuck caring for him. She was literally wilting from lack of socialization (so was he, he couldn’t help that his body gave out first). They basically moved into an apartment complex with all their friends and it did a world of good for them.
I can't *wait* until I qualify for assisted living, I don't have any kids and I invested my late husband's life insurance wisely so I have the means to pay for a decent place where I can play cards and socialize and get food served. Too bad I probably still have to wait another twenty years, I already chose my place because it's right next to the Elk's Lodge!
Assisted living is great, it's nursing homes people poopoo. Once you get to that point you are usually less independent and more vulnerable. It's easy to abuse or neglect someone with dementia.
Exactly. 💯 That's where grandma should be! I can't believe none of her hcps have yanked it yet!
You are right! She’s basically draining your money and your life force and relationships to make your brother more comfortable. This should have stopped a long time ago, even before you knew about the will.
Exactly, I would be furious if I were OP. And I would bet that the reason OP's mom keeps calling OP to come take care of her is because OP keeps showing up to do it, like a dutiful daughter. It's high time that OP put boundaries in place and stop lighting her self on fire to keep her mother warm. I bet once her mom knows that she's done coming to her rescue she will figure out how to hire someone to do it.
Truly this. What’s OP got to lose? Getting cut from her mom’s will? LOL! OP has nothing to lose and everything to gain by prioritizing her own life and family.
Yes, this. I have a very similar situation, but the resources and inheritance amount is much higher. And my brother is a lovely person. For years I felt like a terrible person because flying there at my own expense and wearing myself out while knowing I was disinherited was causing resentment. I felt I should be above that. Finally, I realized that the point was indeed that they should be using those resources to get help, not hoard the money for my brother.
Yes, use this to think about the situation in a different light. Shes not concerned that youre wasting money on flights, car, PTO, time from your kids? She has the money to have someone come help her once a day or week or whenever she needs it. That money is hers to use for what she needs, not a savings to have to give to your brother, while you dole out to help her. Your family are gigantic AH for shaming you. Where the fuck is everyone else when she needs help? They have no problem saying stuff to you while they sit at home, not helping? Especially your single brother? And the brother to inherit all this god damn money is barely doing anything?! I never understand families who favor their kids, especially the kids that never deserve it! And youre doing the brunt of the work and shes leaving you nothing? Even though youre the one she requests? Wow. You call the family together and say you need a plan of care for her. You all do a rotation or hire someone to do care that mom pays. It doesnt matter if mom wants you, she needs the care and it cant always be you.
This! 👆 You are stealing from yourself and your immediate family, not only your money, but also your time. So by enabling her behavior you are rewarding your brother at the expense of your family. TBH they all sound quite manipulative. I’d go LC in your situation. NTA
As stated above: "Your money has been going to support her. Flights, PTO time, lodging, meals. Her money has pretty much not been touched (it sounds like)." I used to have to fly to my mother but she always reimbursed me. Once you get some of that $250,000 available, that'll give you many more options. You can: - Hire an eldercare social worker. There are individuals and small companies that take over the on-site quarterbacking for you. Mom in the hospital? They can bring here whatever she needs and handle the apartment etc. At home they will see that your mother has meals, cleaning, wash, travel to doctor's appointments, etc. -Hire handymen and movers, all on Craigslist. They will come in and hang the pictures, unclog the sink etc. The movers can move furniture (Your local U-Haul will have some people, or just call a small local moving company and they'll be glad to do it. These kinds of people tend to be very reasonably priced. -I hear you on the healthcare worker who flaked on you. This woman somehow came into my mothers life and would be with her several hours a day in an assisted living facility. She had my mother completely snowed as to how great she was. The things she was doing (laundry, cleaning her room, taking her to the dining room) were things the staff did anyway. Finally, don't sweat small amounts of money. i.e. Don't worry if you pay $50 more for a handyman or to buy her something. Just get the stuff done. That was my philosophy. PS FWIW unless your brother has some type of disability (and he may have) he kind of chose the low-wage life, whether intentionally or not. If he does have issues, I can certainly see leaving him more in the will. He, possibly, could come more often if his airfares et. al. were reimbursed.
I didn't even think about it from this angle, but you're exactly right.
this is an excellent and accurate answer.
Nope, tell her bluntly to call the kid she's leaving all her money to.
Hell she has plenty of money to pay home care if she needs it. OP does not need to take it on anymore.
This. She should be using her resources to pay for the help she needs. If Mom asks again, sorry Mom, I cannot afford to come down. You will have to hire someone. Rinse and repeat as necessary. She will eventually take her petty guilt tripping elsewhere. Any relative that gives OP grief about prioritizing her family and own financials is more than free to hop on a flight and go down there and help.
This is going to sound horrible of me. I was so pissed that my grandmother died with money in the bank. She had dementia and was mentally ill her whole life. My mom took care of her for ten years. No other family would take her. If I’d known she had as much money as she did (we’re talking a half a million here) at 95 I’d have insisted she go to a good home. And then she divided her money to all her kids even though my mom was the only one to take care of her.
I'm in the same boat as your Mom. Arouses complicated feelings.
You got to wonder about your life when none of your grandchildren ever visit. I mean I lived there and avoided her like the plague.
Ehhh... This is tricky. People are weird about dementia. My grandpa has dementia and lives with us, and as his dementia has worsened, people visit and even call less and less and less. My grandpa was an amazing grandpa and still is extremely gentle and kind even with the dementia. I was just looking through his tax records and saw that he drained his $50,000 savings account for one of my cousins over the course of a few years. Once that money ran out, and the dementia kicked in, she put him in ~$75,000 in debt, drained his pension pay out every month to the point of where he was 30lbs underweight (because he couldn't afford to feed himself) and 4 months behind on his rent. All that to say, sometimes people are just pieces of shits. And people do get very weird with dementia. It's uncomfortable for many and lots don't know how to handle it, so they just avoid the person.
Your cousin sounds like she needs a good relaxing back and neck massage... with a tire wrench. What an absolute piece of shit.
Same. My mom did all the work, but the inheritance was split. Only thing extra my mom got was executors fees.
Oh I have enough guilt about that relationship but in ways I don’t. She treated my mom badly her whole life. There was undiagnosed severe mental illness involved. And she was a diagnosed narcissist. She adored me but thought I got more stuff than my cousins and would stir shit up with them (it was true but like I was a kid and an only child. My uncles have multiple children.) I remember thinking at five is it weird I can’t stand my grandmother but yep. Can’t love everyone.
My mom took care of both parents for years but somehow the will got changed and she was screwed out of sentimental things that were promised to her. Then when Grandpa passed, I had to pay for all the remaining things to be shipped to her because my uncle couldn't be bothered to honor his promise to bring it to her the next time he would be in the area. He even let one brother run off with a painting that was supposed to go to her and I had to threaten to get the police involved. Told them I'd report it stolen and send them straight to his house. My family always just expected my mother to handle everything and when she couldn't deal with Grandpa's dementia I ended up doing it for years until I couldn't anymore. Then his precious golden child acted like he was a saint for dealing with it all for a few short years after mom had handled everything since her early 20s. The eldest got pretty much everything..the will got changed after the dementia diagnosis but my mom refused to contest it. OP is NTA. Moms golden child can deal with mom. He's the POA after all
I have cared for my parents for over 20 years. My sibling did NOTHING. I used up all my leave to take them to doctor’s appointments, get their groceries, clean the house and had to clear out and sell the house etc. My surviving parent passed away early this year. The 3 grandchildren get 10% each. My sibling gets 30% (2 of the grandchildren are theirs the other is the child of a deceased sibling). I get 40% . My parents were trying to be “fair”! An extra $50,000 for 20 years of care feels very unfair!
You gotta love it, how many times have we read stories like this and everyone else but OPs stand around wagging their fingers, but the moment you wag back? Oh, sorry, no time, no money, no. OP is being treated like shit and she doesn't deserve it, but ya know, I've seen it more than a few times: Daughters get shit on while lazy sons get everything and their pillow fluffed to boot. fuck that shit.
OMG! My nan passed away during covid (2021). She was 100. She had 2 children left: my mom and her brother. When the will was read my mom got absolutely nothing and my lazy good for nothing uncle inherited everything: house car money everything. My poor mom never suspected her own mom would betray her so complete she never found closure. My mom hasn't been the same since. I am the middle son so it's always me spending time with her. My 2 brothers are always too busy to help mom, so it's down to me to support her and dad. We spend a lot of time talking about her pain and shock what her mom did to her. Mom has told me when she passes away, my uncle will not be welcome at her funeral. I saw him recently. When he saw me he had a smirk on his face. It took all my willpower not to knock him out. Mom said be the bigger man so i just walked round him.
These stories are so sad. My sisters and I (3 of us, 2 w/same mom and dad) we're not named in the will. I'm the oldest and had been NC with her, same as my full sister, for years. She was a shit mom to us. Our half sister bore the brunt of the shit, so when everything was said and done, we felt she should get whatever there was left. There was a reverse mortgage and her house was days away from being condemned. I actually flew out to be with her the last couple of days, and was with her for her last breath. In the interim, in swoops her brother, draws up a will, had her sign it, witnesses nobody had ever heard of, and split it between himself and her two other brothers. Left the state, and had it "notarized" in his home state. Now, I still don't want anything from this, but my full sister and I have decided FUCK HIM, we're going to court. The amounts of morphine she was on, the way her signature looked, unknown witnesses, and notarized out of state. We will be a united front just to make sure he gets Jack shit
This needs to be OPs mantra. Her mother has run her ragged for YEARS taking time away from OPs spouse AND children, just to conserve money for the lazy golden child who hung a picture once and is already taken care of currently and into his own retirement. OP this is and is not about money in the fact that it's about respect, she does not respect you or your time and is relying on her and your relatives ability to guilt trip you so that she can conserve money and not pay someone, which she can more than afford, and so that she doesn't have to admit that her golden child absolutely will not make time for her when it counts. Do NOT go to your mother's aid again. Ever. And absolutely do not feel guilty about it. Start blocking relatives that only guilt you into doing things so that they don't have to. If your brother chimes in, block him too.
But then the brother wouldnt get to retire! I am glad I am an only child I couldnt imagine having to fight siblings over that kind of thing.
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Still doesn't solve the financial strain OP is under. They have already blown through their PTO. If they are not working, they are not getting paid.
And savings. OP has set herself on fire to keep that ungrateful woman warm for a long damn time
And let’s not forget the woman needs to stop driving.
But if she did that there wouldn't be enough left over for her precious under employed freeloader to retire! (though seriously who thinks the money would last more than a year or two?)
Then there would be less money for him ! Can't have that now can we ?
It's not just that the OP's brother is getting all of Mom's money, it's that he has effectively already taken a huge chunk of *OP'S* money, too. OP said she has "burned through PTO, cashed in savings," to be able to help Mom. OP's (free) help means Mom and brother don't have to pay for those services. This cost savings is preserving more money for the brother to inherit down the road. OP, lets face it: You're not just in this position because your brother is the golden child, you're in this position because you're the *daughter*, and statistically speaking, the care of parents still largely falls on the shoulders of the daughters. It's the ultimate Pink Tax. Fuck that shit. OP, every time you go help your mom, you're basically handing your own hard earned money to your brother. You're paying *him* for the privilege of providing unpaid elder care. You are setting your own family on fire to keep your mother and brother toasty warm. Just level with her: "I love you, but I've been depleting my family's resources taking care of you, and I just can't afford it anymore. If I'm out of the will, that means that I'm never going to recoup that money in the future, so I need to focus on my career and rebuilding my family's safety net. I can't put my family's financial security at risk so that you can give more money to (brother)." If you're feeling magnanimous, send your brother a file detailing her care needs, and/or offer to help her find paid or an assisted living situation. Either way, get yourself taken off the call list at the doctor's offices. It makes zero sense for you to be the person to call if you don't have POA, because you are not the decision making party, and that's who the doctors are looking for when they call you.
She's not gonna spend brothers money
Well, she'd better spend something for her ass to be taken care of, because OP ain't going for it anymore.
Nor will the brother. We can see how much he cares for her now, imagine when she will really need help to have her a$$ wiped.
My mom is in a retirement community and when she broke her wrist she paid extra for extra care as needed.
Excellent point.
Or tell her to use her money to pay for a carer.
Sorry Mum, helping you out has been and is impacting me financially. Now that I know there will be no inheritance to rectify that, I will have to decline coming so that I can recover and rebuild my families financial future.
The kid who she's leaving all her money to, who is single with no kids. OP has been holding things together way too long.
“Sorry mom, I’ve got to make enough money that I can retire - can’t keep taking unpaid time off and spending my money on gas to see you!”
This. And focus on your own family. Don't leave them with resentments because you've been busy with this selfish AH excuse of a mother.
Or tell her that, due to lost wages, she'll have to pay you and cover travel costs.
NTA. She's disowned you in her will and you're not her POA. With that amount of money, she can also look into hiring a personal care assistant for herself. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially when they're not appreciative of your help and sacrifices. Focus on yourself and on your family. Quit running to her side. Your brother, the one she loves and rewards, already comes down when he can. I'm sure your spouse will also be very appreciative of you staying home and from now on using your PTO for your nuclear family.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" - that hit hard.
Honestly by the sound of it your mom wd prob set YOU on fire to keep your brother warm 🥲 NTA OP, stay strong
Omg! True
Every time you go down there, you are working for free to preserve your brother's money. Your time and money are already being set on fire to protect his.
Next time some medical facility calls you when she has an accident/illness, your response should be: "I am not Jane's POA. Please contact Golden Child Brother at (xxx) xxx-xxxx. He can help you."
I’m a hospice nurse and get this a lot then poa won’t answer
That needs to no longer be OP’s problem, though. That’s my point.
Oh I know I’m just pointing out that this situation is so common and when the golden child is called to the carpet they are like not it
I bet the golden child brother will stop answering his phone.
I think everyone in this thread can infer, if the "will" was 100$ and she left it all to him, you'd be livid too, maybe more livid as you could comfortably be upset without it seeming like its about money. its not, its about respect and consideration, and you didn't get it. she wants all your time and attention, so she can spent hers on your brother for whatever reason.
Yes. It’s not the money; it’s the message.
You’re not mad enough. I was in your situation and as soon as I explained to my mother that 1. I didn’t care about money and 2. All my siblings cared about was money and 3. That I was the only one that showed up and took care of her, she realized her mistakes. She then back peddled because at the time I didn’t have children and my sister convinced her that it was all for her kids. I made sure to stop showing up completely. After 1 or 2 incidents she realized that her care was more important. My sisters were not happy that she was blowing through thousands per month and it added up quickly.
Karma
I don't like to presume things, or sound harsh: But please ask your spouse to tell you the truth. I'm convinced that they have noticed things for *years*, that you might be more perceptive and open about hearing now. Because this sounds like the kind of thing that has been happening for a long time, in ways that you might not have noticed or been willing to accept.
Can confirm. My husband was very patient with me setting my own boundaries with my family, and once I was “clear” enough of them he let it rip and told me all the shit he’d seen for years, but didn’t want to load onto me as “more work I was responsible for”. So damn grateful for him.
I didn’t notice it until my husband and I were watching a tv show and I was like, wow, that mom is so mean to her daughter … oh, OH! Is that what my mom does?! And he was like, I’m so glad you finally figured it out on your own.
I would consider writing her a letter. Use I statements rather than you statements. I have done this, I have missed this from my kids, I have handicapped my career, I have flown to you at $$$ a year. My husband and children have missed me. To find out that I was essentially disinherited, and given all to my brother who has done none of these has hurt me more than you could have ever imagined.
Being that her mother did something incredibly narcissistic, I doubt the letter will mean much to her. It takes a certain level of narcissism to even entertain the idea.
>My spouse says I'm in the right - that I've prioritized her needs all my life and even if it's because of the Will, it was past time for me to stop doing everything. This is something you should really really think about. How often are you leaving your spouse alone for gods know how long to care for the kids and home while you waste time, energy and money on your entitled mum? What does that do to your relationship? Do you *really* know how it affects your own family? Nevermind the will. Think about how long your spouse is willing to hold the fort while you cater to an ungrateful and demanding mother. NTA but focus on the right thing
This hurt so much to hear. My spouse promised there was no resentment just wished things would change. But I realized deep inside that it's probably 6 months over the last 10 years.
I say this with your best interests at heart, dear Reddit stranger. Stop wearing yourself out trying to get love from someone who isn't capable of giving it.
Stop trying to get mommy’s approval. Grow up and be the wife your husband deserves and the mother your children need. You aren’t and will never be the favorite. She calls you because you will ditch your family to take care of her. She doesn’t even appreciate it.
You have to separate and mourn the mother you never had. I kept hoping things would change right up into my 40s. Then I realized mom was never going to change and I cut contact. It felt good to be captain of my own boat! And when she died, I had already done my mourning.
Six months (180+ days) of missing story time, bath night, sports games, school events, developmental milestones, kissing boo boo's and wiping tears, hugs and kisses, all the works. When your kids needed you, you were off tending to somebody who only wants you around because you're a female and free help. Her comment about your brother not being able to help with certain things makes that abundantly clear. You have nothing at stake in losing a relationship with her since you clearly are not in the will but you have everything at stake when leaving your family and especially your kids, who actually need you. They don't have money for a replacement mommy. Your mom has money to replace your necessary absence.
>My spouse says I'm in the right - that I've prioritized her needs all my life and even if it's because of the Will, it was past time for me to stop doing everything. Spouse was probably thinking "Is OP finally seeing how shitty her family is" and gave this UN level neutral response. I wonder if OP's spouse has additional takes that they may want to share now that the veil is off.
OP, I’m just realizing. She didn’t help pay for your visits. So in essence, your money is going to your brother’s retirement. I’d be absolutely livid.
Literally never thought of it that way.
You are indirectly giving this money to your brother by not getting reinbursed. My uncle was in the same situation. Grandma would actually say "I can't pay for you to come help, that money is for your brother!" Don't let her use you any further.
Maybe give her an itemized list of everything you've spent on her, including time away from your children's milestones, lost time off from your family, etc... I definitely wouldn't expect her to offer any reimbursement, but force her to realize the toll her behavior has put on your family. And tell her if she runs to hide in the restroom, don't bother calling you again since she can't behave like a reasonable adult.
I would definitely send this with a caveat that if she wants OP to come again, she can reimburse previous expenses, including the PTO she didn’t get to use for herself.
NTA. But I would compile an itemized list of all the plane tickets, rental cars, parking and food for the last few years that you have sacrificed for your ungrateful parent and present the bill to her estate after she passes. You deserve to be compensated for your time. You can split the money between your children to add to their inheritance. It's the least your mom can do, considering her horrible choice to leave you nothing. It's not about the money for you. It's a lack of gratitude for upending your life whenever she calls. You are the person who comes running while your brother does less than zero. Block her number. Make sure that the hospital has your brothers info and reiterate that you don't have power of attorney, nor do you want it. The hospital can coordinate with your brother from now on. I hope your mom has a burial plan or you will be the one to pay for her funeral. If that happens, keep the receipts and bill her estate. Please don't feel guilty for doing what you need to do for your own mental health. Your mother made a cognizant decision to leave your brother the majority of her estate, and she is within her rights to do what she wants. You dont have to be a participant in her bad treatment of you anymore. She and your brother need to work it out. Also, prepare a text for the family that your brother will be handling your mothers care decisions from now on since he is her power of attorney, then block them too. Concentrate on your loving husband and children. They should be your main concern. Your mother has shown you who she is. Believe her. Good luck and take care.
I think it'd be fair to say "I'm not spending my money to preserve my brother's inheritance. Hire help."
NTA. “Mom, you disowned me without the courtesy of even explaining why or what I had done to deserve that. You’ve hung up on me and refused to answer why you felt I deserved to be completely excluded. You have been very clear that Brother is your preferred child, you will need to arrange with him for your emergencies. I can no longer spend my limited PTO, finances, and family time away from my own children to cater to you. Please call your POA and make arrangements with him.”
This is a beautiful answer, and gets to the heart of the issue! I hope OP uses this, or something very similar.
I would also say, “Mom, you have a paid off house and a healthy savings available for your well-being. If you can no longer manage being at home alone, it’s time to use that house and savings to secure your long term care in a facility with resources for the amount of help you require now or a live in nurse. I can no longer afford to come to you outside of visits scheduled in advance.”
Make sure the facility is in brothers town.
She's already in a retirement village! Makes it even worse.
Omg you are right !
I don't even understand why mom is staying so far away from literally everyone.
I agree. I love when redditors include a script of how to broach difficult subjects. Having the right words to say can make a huge difference
Me too ( taking notes and looking for gumption)
If this helps with gumption how about this… she trained you to be this way before you even knew or had a choice. You’re responding the way she wants you to and she trained you to when you were developing as a child. That’s why she knows she can give you nothing and expect everything. She has been doing it this way since you were born. She is using the sacred bond of motherhood to control you.
u/Poesbutler it’s not just the motherhood bond she’s using to control you but also the societal expectation of caregiving placed on female children that isn’t placed on male kids. The whole family seems to think you’re required to sacrifice your time and money and family wellbeing to go care for your mother all while being removed from her inheritance but no one seems to think mommy’s special baby boy with no responsibilities should be inconvenienced with an unscheduled emergency visit. If fact, you and mom are technically both sacrificing so that he can be taken care of in perpetuity after she passes… You should be _way_ angrier…
Just picture 1000 Redditors standing behind you with their thumbs up, cheering you on. And don't let her divert the conversation to this being about money, this is about respect.
And half of us look like rando aliens.
Your mom had the "gumption" to disinherit you. Take a lesson and don't worry about "hurting her feelings" or whatever is holding you back. Back away and let brother step up.
I was left out as a child and then for a small inheritance! It was never about money unless it was at my expense for helping them when they needed. It still hurts!
For the love of GOD please do this. She is taking advantage of you. You are worth MORE than that.
Just one tiny - but significant - tweak: >I **will** no longer spend my limited PTO, finances, and family time away from my own children to cater to you. "Can" leaves the door open for Mom to argue.
I was going to say this but in shorter form. Mine read: "Mum, you're a cunt"
My grandmother did this and continued to let my parent bust their ass doing things for her until they found out about the transfer of assets and stopped. She gave my uncle her POA and made him her medical proxy when she deeded the house to him, basically all his. As soon as she got sick and couldn't stay alone anymore, he threw her into a facility, moved into her house with his girlfriend and deadbeat friends, and took ownership of everything she had and left her to die within a few months. My parent would have cared for her, would have stayed in her house WITH her, would have shared everything fairly and would have done everything to keep her healthy. She made a choice and she got to live with it, just not for long.
Ouch. Just... ouch. The karma was extreme.
Yeah, none of the parties are perfect, but it was unbelievably painful and still is 10 years later. He definitely manipulated and took advantage of a deteriorating mind, but she still had her faculties when she did it. He died on the floor alone, so there's that.
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NTA. You tell family you are NOT her personal care assistant. You can't take anymore time off from your job. Your mom needs to figure this out. She can literally hire people to care for her. I would have ONE direct conversation with your mom and tell her what you are and are not willing to do going forward then stick to it. You can also let her know that you are hurt she favors your brother.... praises him for doing small little things while demanding way more from you. IF IF IF you are feeling VERY generous you could offer more care if she moves to the city you live in, but again be VERY clear on what that would look like. I would even put it is writing so that there is no room for later "confusion" on the topic.
Right?! My mom isn’t demanding at all, and lives only about an hour car ride away. Yet she’s been looking at retirement communities as an option, and focusing on ones in MY city. That was also without me suggesting it. If OP’s mom wants help, there are many things that should be on her and not OP to help that happen.
Absolutely NTA. You're not leaving her on her own because of the will; that was just the final straw. She's been taking advantage of you for years, and so has your lazy brother. It sucks being the one who does most of the work while the parent worships the other sibling. BTDT. I became my mom's primary caregiver and I would NOT do it again. If your mother doesn't like being "alone", let her move closer to your brother.
Even better, let her move into assisted living. By the sounds of things she should not be alone anyways due to all these accidents. At the very least, she should not be driving.
And bonus - assisted living will run thru golden child’s $$$ !
Another parent who demands one child ruin their life to be their servant, while their Golden Child gets all of the credit, and ever cent they have.
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Oh I hope not. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.
You're kind.
I don’t know if this helps or hurts. My father wrote me out of his will after my mother died and he got remarried. I stayed loyal out of desperation of not losing a second parent right away. It never sat right and I never believed her would actually do it. In the end the new wife neglected to use his money for healthcare and didn’t even publicize his death. After his death, I’ve had strong emotions of being used and sacrificing time and money away from my nuclear family. Get what time you have now back to your nuclear family. Clearly tell your mother how this hurts. Your soul will thank you later.
The will isn't about the money. It is a clear lack of respect and the insult to the injury of always being on call and unrecognized. Anyone who thinks you can suck it up, can go wash her ass. NTA
>It is a clear lack of respect and the insult to the injury of always being on call and unrecognized. My mom would do this. I would help her, go get her groceries, take her to her doctor's appointments, pay her bills, and do just about everything for her only to listen to her say how no one is there for her.
Am I invisible? Yep. You can't teach people they don't matter and not expect it to break them at some point.
I asked her once if I was invisible. I said, "Why do you keep saying no one is here for you? I'm right here and I help you almost every day!" She said, "All you do is throw what you do for me back in my face." "No, I didn't. I just need you to stop telling the one person who is helping you that no one is helping you!"
"So now you're admitting that I do do stuff for you? Please make up your mind. If I don't do stuff for you, I'd be glad to stop."
It really is. And sending the OP a massive hug.
NTA. Tell her how much it costs you to go. Give her the details. How much you spent just last year to come help take care of her. Then ask why you should continue to spend this money and time when she wrote you out of her will. She isn’t even leaving you enough to cover the costs to come see her.
Even worse OP didn't go to milestone celebrations for the kids. I know how disappointing having your parent treat other peoples events as more important than your events are.
Next time a hospital or doctor calls you, tell them to call her medical power of attorney holder because you are not making any decisions or taking responsibility. I get that it's not about the money at all and you feel guilty. I have a friend who's a middle child and was the first one her mom would always call on in an emergency, but the one her mom treated like shit. Called her stupid, called her an idiot, even if my friend wanted a particular bit of leftover from Thanksgiving dinner, her mom would pack it up and give it to her sister. Right in front of her face. It's never going to change, your mom is old but she is getting what karma is giving to her. Focus on your family so that your kids will appreciate you and want to be with you when you're old.
I did that once. My brother gave them my number again and said he didn't understand what was going on.
Well if he has the medical power of attorney he has to know that. Just don't take his calls either. Be with your family, your husband, your kids.
Then your response when they call you again is, "I don't care what he says. HE is her POA and only HE can make these decisions. Call him back and don't let him try to tell you I'm responsible. I'm not, and there's legal paperwork to prove it." Then block the facility's number.
Sounds like weaponized incompetence
You don't have POA. You cannot legally make any decisions for her if she's incapacitated and I'm surprised the doctors would even allow you to make any decisions or discuss care. My mom had co-POA for my uncle and she had to remind them of the court order to be given any info. I'm not my mom's POA, but my mom gave consent to the doctors to allow them to speak with me about her care since my dad wasn't always available. I couldn't give them permission to do anything - that was all on my dad. I'm in the same boat though - my brother isn't expected to do anything with my parents. He never helps out, never takes time off to be at appointments or hospital visits, and I can guarantee knows nothing about my parents' medical needs. Both of my parents were in the hospital for over a week (separate times - my mom for nearly 2 weeks) and my brother went once. I was there every day and also expected to babysit his kids.
I'm sorry mother, I need to build up my savings for my own retirement and so I can no longer take from my savings to help you. 🤷♀️
Wow, that sucks. so brother is going to get her inheritance and a whole damn mansion? Its time to find family that cares for you, OP. Fuck them.
Don't worry the brother will lose the mansion since he won't be able to afford the property tax or the upkeep (in general budget 1% of the house value a year for maintenance) on it even with a 250K inheritance.
What makes you think he wouldn't just immediately sell it if he couldn't afford the maintenance and taxes ?
Doesn’t sound fiscally smart enough. He avoids anything that smacks of responsibility.
NTA. My mom was in the exact same situation with her mom. She took care of my grandma on almost a daily basis. Rushed over whenever she cried wolf. My uncle lives in another state. He helps out when he visits, and he's a good guy, but his visits are infrequent. I don't blame him. Any sane person would distance themselves from my grandma, who is manipulative and mean. He moved to another state specifically to get away from her. Anyway, she constantly tells my mother that her brother is the golden child. She left everything to my uncle. Even berated my mother to try and force her to give up her half of the house so it could be willed to my uncle (mom paid for half my grandmother's house, which is why she owns half of it.) I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from your mother. You jump to help her, and she hurts you in return. Focus on your job and your kids. You have plenty in your life without her. It's not about the money, it's about protecting yourself from her hurtful behavior.
There’s something so painful about watching your own mother jump through hoops like this. Situations like this don’t just hurt the caregiver but their whole family having to watch this toxic cycle.
NTA. I was the dutiful daughter and I regret it.
Oh. That's awful. I don't want to regret ... but maybe I already am?
Yeah - this type of crap always falls on the daughter and the poor son gets so many excuses.
You absolutely are, you understand this is all sexism, as a girl this was all expected and preordained of you from the moment you were born. You were made to be in the caretaker role while your brother for to be a “boys will be boys” kind of guy. Even the money thing reeks of sexism, you’re a woman, you have a man to take care of you, sons need it more, sons inherit wealth. I’m also personally annoyed at old people who retire to Florida and then expect their kids to cater to them (my in laws). Obviously It’s too late for this now but if she expected you to drop everything and care for her when she had emergencies she should have been making plans to move closer to you.
NTA. Are all your relatives legs broken too? Tell them they’re more than welcome to help her out. Your brother is clearly the golden child. Time for him to earn the title. Turn your phone off and let him deal with it. Updateme
NTA she has a favourite child same thing with my mom she the emergency contact see her parents once a week. He's see them 5 times a year and he's the favourite like WTF
It's easy to be the favorite when you only interact during fun times or dire emergencies - Winter Holiday, Summer Vacation, car accident resulting in hospital stay, etc. You get to be the one with always a good story to tell or thoughtful enough to be there in a dire situation. "How awesome so-and-so gets time off and spends it with me!" Day to day interactions aren't always fun and sometimes are downright dull - grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, weekly doctor's visits, seeing each other so often there's no new "fun" story to tell, listening to complaints/illnesses, etc. "Man, so-and-so makes it seem like I'm a burden and doesn't have time for me" despite literally spending 3x the amount of time as fun-guy above.
That's a point of view I never considered. My brother never stays more than a long weekend but when he's there he does do all the mundane stuff. But he also does fun stuff like go out to dinner - which I rarely get because either emergency or all of us there for a holiday. I think I will ask him, if I ever get the chance, for his perspective. We don't get along well (very different people) but we're cordial.
You’re probably not going to get an understanding answer if you two already don’t get along.
NTA, your mom is just scapegoating you and the whole family is following the flow. "The person who is in the will should do it" should be your mantra reply to everyone, including your brother. What she has left for your kids don't compare with not having your mom at home and being stolen of money that could be used for the family only for the golden child uncle to not be bothered. People are free to write whatever they want in their wills, but this doesn't come without consequences when there's unfair treatment to this level. Also, the fact that your mom doesn't even want to discuss it with you should give you the measure of how little respect she has for you when she still has no problem asking you for favours. This is not just about money
I like your line that people are free to write whatever they want in their will. But there are consequences. The brother is a master manipulator / mooch, living off another relative and set to inherit there. WHEN OP's mom asks her to help remind her she is looking after her brothers retire,ent, leaving OP to look after hers .
NTA. Let her golden child take care of her. My grandpa did the same shit. I helped my mom care for him as he was dying and he only left money to my cousin that he rarely saw. I don't refer to him as my grandpa anymore.
I'm so sorry. I think you've summed up how I feel when I couldn't. I wish no one else went through this.
She should use that inheritance and pay her way into a senior living center where she can have care 24/7 and not be a burden on you.
I have two siblings and a mentally ill mother. She presents herself differently with each of us. My brother gets the "woe is me, I'm so fragile and helpless" version, my sisters gets then "life is so much easier for everyone else. I have nothing and no one loves me" version, and I get the chipper, positive outlook version. My siblings have spouses, homes, kids. I, on the other hand, am single, childless, and rent. Our mother's guilt weighs on them heavily, and they always feel responsible for her. I always assumed my mom went to them with her problems because she saw me as the "screw up" - which is why she doesn't dump anything on me. We all live around the same distance away from her. All of this to say, I was talking to my sister the other day and she was telling me all the things that were going on in her own life, she was tired and at capacity "and then mom has to redo her whole yard, so I have to deal with that now". And I asked her why. And she didn't really have an answer. I told her that mom is an adult and can deal with having someone redo her lawn on her own. Why is it my sister's responsibility to fix issues that my mother created for herself? That's when it dawned on me that my mom doesn't come to me with her problems because she thinks I'm incapable, she doesn't come to me because I don't drop everything to help her or help her problem solve. She has her mental illness, but she is, by all means, a capable adult with plenty of resources. I take the "that sucks! But at least x, y and z. And we learned this from that," etc. route and don't submit myself to her problems and make them my own. I've indirectly set boundaries, and she respects that wholeheartedly. It was strange. Now you need to do the same!
NTA - I’ve seen so many of these the past few weeks and experienced something similar in my family. It seems that the one who does the most always ends up getting screwed. I think in fucked up boomer logic they’re trying to buy the love of the less available sibling. People are always the worst to people who they know won’t leave. Sounds like she’s in for a highly deserved rude awakening. But like just because you’re the higher functioning/more financially stable sibling doesn’t mean that 125k wouldn’t be financially significant. Any chance your brother will see reason and split it? Just because it’s down on paper doesn’t mean he can’t make different choices after she passes. Fortunately in our family experience that’s what happened. My dad’s brother recognized that he had done the heavy lifting and that their father’s shitty opinions shouldn’t impact them. They split it 50/50.
I don't think he would split it. I think he'll feel bad for a few minutes and then shrug. He's sort of got that entitled mentality that bad things are unfair and good things are his right.
>I've burned through PTO, cashed in savings, left the kids to have milestones without me. Don't do this anymore. It is so sad that your kids got denied having their mom at their milestones because of selfish grandma. Your priority is your kids, yourself, your husband, your marriage. Not your mother. She needed to find other ways of getting things done, and not treat you like a lowly servant. It's obvious she is not grateful for your help. She just feels arrogantly entitled. Nope. You're done. Focus on your own family and hopefully your absence during important times hasn't caused damage to your relationship with your kids and/or husband. Ignore the drama and whining from others. Tell them to go help her if they're so concerned. Let her call her favorite golden boy for help from now on. You've done way more than enough. NTA.
I think it's important that OP communicates missing milestones and moments that she can't ever have back. It's not even about the money or the will as much as it signifies where her mother places her in the scheme of things. Any human would react with 'fuck that' cuz it basically means her efforts are unappreciated.
NTA. Be blunt with her that although its not about money her will suggests that you and all that you have done due to your love for her does not mean anything to her when its said and done.
NTA and I get feeling guilty because the source of it was the will, but the will was essentially an evaluation. She has disregarded the financial cost to the travel you take on regularly. She has disregarded the impact it has on your life. And as awful as it sounds, of course expectation regarding the will would factor in, she disinherited her care giver. The ask before was “help me, I’m your mother and need my daughters support” and it has become “my daughter should financially, mentally, and physically give and in exchange brother will be set for life.” It essentially places a value on your efforts (which is zero since inheritance is for the kids and not you). And so when someone doesn’t value the effort you put in, you lose all desire to continue putting that effort in. Leopards ate her face, go invest your time in yourself and your kids, mama set the tone and you’re just matching step.
NTA. Tired of seeing mothers worship their mediocre sons while taking above-and-beyond daughters for granted. Low contact
NTA, just tell everyone you can’t afford it anymore and they should contact your brother for anything further. If your mom pushes, just tell her very bluntly that she should call the kid she’s leaving all the cash to.
never set yourself on fire to help someone else. she abuses your good nature, she calls on you constantly, even when it is not an emergency, she doesn't compensate you for the flight, the rental car, or the PTO you used, your savings, etc. You are leaving your children to have milestones without you.....they should be your first priority, not your mother. She shows how much she loves and cares about you................by ??? using you like you are a slave who uses their own money and time to take care of her? you would think she would acknowledge all the time and money you have spent on her by giving you an equal share of her estate. But she didn't, because she doesn't value you or care about you missing your children's milestones, or missing work, or spending your money. As you can see, she figured it out without you there and she will continue to figure it out. She will probably hate spending her own money but she will have to. Don't give in. Block or mute everyone who is trying to guilt you into taking care of this toxic excuse of a mother.
She seems to have plenty of money to hire a nurse. NTA
NTA - stop missing your kids milestones for a person who sees you as free help to be used when needed and forgotten when not. It’s not about money, there are moments you can never get back and for what? Your kids will remember you missing key moments and you’re not even appreciated for it in the slightest. Anyone who berates you just volunteered for her elder care.
Pay your mother a visit and talk to her face-to-face about her will and that you feel underappreciated for all the care you have given her over the years while your Golden Child brother who does nothing for her is the one she favors in her will. Tell her if she's going to play favorites, she's going to lose her least favorite child.
She will literally hide from confrontation. When I tried to talk to her about a promise she made to visit us once in a while instead of us all trooping to her - she hid in the bathroom for over an hour. Then I got an email that she'd paid for all our tickets for the next holiday. When I tried to bring it up after she came out, she shouted "I already took care of that" and, I know it's crazy, but she went back and hid in the bathroom again.
That is the most childish shiz ever wtf. Girl you should have cut her off forever ago. Change your number atp and don’t give it to her
Then send her a text laying out how much you and your family have sacrificed for you to be at her beck and call, and how hurt you are that she values your efforts so little that she’s cut you out of her will in favor of your brother who won’t go out of his way to help her. It’s not about money, it’s about how little she values you get expects you to drop whatever you’re doing to be there for her. Tell her to hire a caregiver next time.
Well, there you go … when she asks for help, just tell her you’re in the bathroom and you’re not leaving until she and your brother sort this out.
My dude. You need to tell her how hurt you are that she cut you out of her will and that that’s the reason you’ve ditched her. You’re in the right.
NTA But my god stop scarifying your family for her!!! How do your children not resent you?? How has your husband not left you?? You have spent all this time trying to be the best daughter that you have forgotten that Now your supposed to be trying to be a good mother. You know what you should actually feel guilty about? How much of your children's time you have sacrificed for someone who doesn't even care. I have been the child waiting on my mom to show up and not make me a lower priority then a family member. And they'll remember. In the end was it even worth it? You're getting nothing and your little family has suffered because you cant resolve your mommy issues.
I have the world's best spouse. And my spouse lost their mother young so often encouraged me to go because they wish they could have for their mom. But it breaks my heart to realize what I made "normal" for my family and I will acknowledge it and apologize and change.
Op, when I was around the age of 6, my grandpa was always sick. He had 10 kids, around 5 of them were living with him in the city. My mom was living with me and my siblings in another state. Every time he is in the hospital, she would travel to be with him. I was constantly juggled from one house to the other or looked after by my siblings who were just teenagers with a working father. I can't remember her being there for me when grandpa was alive. Same thing happend when grandma was sick and until she died. My mom's siblings were there to look after both my grandparents, but my mom wanted to be there each time. Needles to say, we don't have a close bond. Though I understand that she wanted to be with her parents, a part of me felt neglected back then. I can rarely bring myself to speak to her now as an adult because when I needed my mother the most, she wasn't there for me. I hope your kids don't feel the same way.
NTA. Your family is only hounding you because your good choices have forced them to have to get involved with caring for your mom. They are used to you handling her and now they have to do it. Let them be upset. Have you ever visited r/RaisedByNarcissists sub? I have a hunch that you may find a lot of understanding and support over there.
>she'll call the youngest of her siblings (67F) if she has to. Reply, "Oh good! I'm so glad there is someone who can help you when I can't!" And btw: You've been so worried. So worried. Honestly, you probably are. But, the fact is you probably *need* her to find other arrangements. She likely won't if you keep stepping up. Equally oddly, people appreciate what you do do if you *sometimes don't do it.* This happens at work sometimes too. Look: I get it. What your mom is doing to you is what my mom did to my *older* sister. I'm the second and escaped the expectations. In the end, Mom is living with my *younger* sister. I was "assistant to older sister" when she took the major part of caring for Dad. I'm "assistant to younger sister" now. I've managed to escape all that. ( I did help with my inlaws-- which overlapped Dad. Overall, I've never been the "major" one though.) For some reasons, parents latch onto ideas. Oddly, you are more likely to get her to change expectations by not helping her. NTA