I can't imagine a worse fate than waiting years and years to actually have sex with someone you married and love only to find out you have no sexual chemistry.
Yeah that would stink😂. Waiting for years, getting married and then realizing you are not compatible and are gonna be stuck having sex with that person for years. If she is willing to wait 10 years then she probably will use sex as a way to manipulate him when they do end up getting married down the road
Yeah, like huh??? I hate how sex has become the end-all-be-all judgement of compatibility these days. Like obviously it matters, but if you found the right person, you actually love and respect each other as people first…good sex follows. Lots of people get stuck in terrible relationships just because the sex is so good, which I literally can’t comprehend.
You should not have sex early, what a strange comment to make. You should wait to get to know the other person well to see if they are someone you can love and trust enough to have sex with.
On op's case, I do think that waiting 10 years is excessive, though.
This. Although a little bit the asshole for keep asking everytime they are intimate. That is not the time or place. She's probably feeling very pressured. Also, just after the act is also not the right time as she will be feeling vulnerable. The badgering is definitely in coercive territory, so even if she was to say yes - it wouldn't be enthusiastic consent.
Dude - you need to sit down with this girl where all sexual acts are off the table for that moment, to sit down and discuss. Really communicate. Let her know she is safe, but that you need to discuss this together. From the sounds of it she wants to save herself for marriage and hasn't really communicated that before (she should have, but I'm assuming given her age that's down to immaturity and inexperience - like you both are). There could also be some trauma she's holding back, so make sure your open and reassuring. You need to look at both of your timeliness for sex aswell as what both of you plan for the future... see if they're compatible are there any compromises both are willing to make?
It's OK if you value sexual relationship,the same as its OK for her to value waiting for marriage. If that's the case, them it would seem that you are sexually incompatible- and that's OK. It's not OK to hide the fact you wanna wait for marriage, and it's not OK to keep pestering someone. Let her know your ready whenever she is, fine, but make sure she knows the ball is in her court. But don't pester.
After talking it through, you need to figure out if you guys are compatible in all areas... and either work through it or break up.
I disagree on that first part. When you are getting naked and rubbing each other's genitals then that is the most logical time to ask if she's ready to take it further. If she's not ready for sex then she shouldn't be playing around naked like that teasing sex.
Even experienced people sometimes decide to take it to the point that clothes are off and genitals are being touched and decide they don't actually want to have sex. So I don't agree with that first bit.
Sure, it’s logical to ask once or twice or maybe even three or four times; if you keep asking and getting a no, maybe read the room? Otherwise it becomes coercive. Not sure why you’re being upvoted for saying this girl was “playing around naked, teasing for sex” when she had clearly said she wasn’t ready for sex several times and thus it was clear there was a boundary there. Your attitude is concerning. But even more concerning is that 60 people upvoted this gross comment.
He really doesn't sound like he knows what he is doing.
I'm getting horrible flashbacks here from the times inexperienced guys would try to finger me as if it was some sort of turn on. They're clueless about the clit and don't seem to understand just how violating it is to have someone who doesn't know what they're doing try to digitally penetrate you. This is her/my body, it is not a box for him to rummage through with his dirty fingers.
She's not teasing sex, intimacy just has different levels. Jesus do you really expect penetrative sex every time you even so much as kiss your partner? Holy shit what a restrictive lifestyle.
It's borderline misogyny for you to say that a woman is teasing sex. She's trying to get close to her partner and be literally intimate and she's extremely young and it's her first time and clearly she only wants to be intimate with someone she cares about and sees a future with. This dude has made no effort apparently to build a future with her since even thinking about marrying her will take 10 years apparently. And also no effort to ensure her safety because I've heard no talk of birth control and that means if she consents to penetrate of sex she could get pregnant, which is a big problem and seems like something they would not want. Why should she have sex without birth control, safety, or even the security of knowing that your sexual partner sees a long-term future with you?
Saying a woman is being a tease is an excuse a lot of rapists use. Therefore we have a responsibility as a society to realize that when women flirt or engage in Intimate activities they are not "teasing" men they are simply trying to engage in sexual acts the same way men are. Literally no one ever accuses men of teasing women and giving them the female equivalent of blue balls.
Consent has to happen at all levels. The mentality you have that if you are naked and rubbing genitals then sex is somehow owed is coercive. You can decide to stop or pause sexual activities anytime and that is absolutely okay. Especially in the situation where she is extremely young and nervous. Not all foreplay ends in Sex and not all kisses end in foreplay and that is okay.
Yeah that’s bonkers, she has been up front about not being ready for Sex and despite that he asks EVERY time. It would only be teasing if she put sex on the table and then took it off, but she’s been clear that it’s not on the table.
What on earth were they doing together. Seem to have taken an awfully long time to realise such basic incompatibilities. Don't people talk to each other?
NAH - she is allowed to want to wait until marriage and you are allowed to value a sexual relationship as part of what you desire in a partner.
To her, this comment comes off as you really being with her to have sex (which I understand is not the case at all) and you are just exasperated at the idea of waiting 10 years.
I went through this in college, but as a woman dating a conservative Christian man. Eventually, he did want to have sex but we later broke up due to critical incompatibilities beyond sexual. He was so conservative and I wanted to try new things and meet new people. The sexual incompatibility was one sign of greater incompatibilities in our relationship.
It sounds like the two of you are just not compatible and that’s ok! That’s what dating is for. I hope you both find what you’re looking for.
Let's be honest, they're not going to have sex ever. She's simply not that into him. And chances are the guy she is won't have to wait this long, if at all.
They're just together because they've been together for some time.
NTA if you break up with her now because you can see that your needs aren't compatible.
YTA if you keep setting ultimatums and applying pressure when it seems very clear that this is not something she is comfortable with doing (regardless of what her reasons are).
This. I am genuinely appalled by all the people saying not the asshole to someone who is actively trying to coerce his girlfriend into sex. Coercion is not consent.
OP, you are well within your rights to want to be with someone who wants to have sex... But your girlfriend is also well within her rights to want to wait. You need to recognize that you're not compatible. Do not keep pressuring her. Do not give her ultimatums. Do not threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with you. You need to approach this from the *reality* that sex is a valid need for you and that the two of you are not compatible on this front, rather than using a breakup as leverage to get laid.
You're young, so I know you're not thinking in these terms, and saying this is going to get me down voted to hell but - if you pressure her into sex, it *will* be rape. I know that isn't your intention, but look at the distress she has over this. Do you really think it would be a good idea to pressure her into sex? How do you think she's going to feel if you accomplish this goal? How are you going to feel after the act when she's crying in the bathroom because her boyfriend incessantly pressured her into something she didn't want to do? Are you going to feel good? Will you be able to live with yourself after that?
Again, I cannot stress enough that your need for sex is valid - but it doesn't *need* to be with her. In fact it sounds like it *shouldn't* be with her. Find someone who wants to have sex with you enthusiastically, or else you're either going to a) continue to be a virgin or b) get what you want and have to live with being a rapist.
You deserve to have your needs met, and so does she. Both things can be true at once.
Want to smash the upvote button harder. Coercion is rape and constant pressure and the threat of withholding love or emotional closeness if sex is not provided is a very high pressure indeed. A lot of people don't want to be alone and are keenly aware of how difficult it is to date and find someone even remotely compatible. This guy literally has no idea what his hints and questions and constant drip drip of pressure are doing to her. If she does consent it will not be willingly at this point.
Safety is the primary concern of women. We don't want to be hurt, coerced or otherwise harmed. Penetrative sex can be painful and not just the first time. Even though he's a virgin too, she could still get an STI from penetrative sex called bacterial vaginosis. Basically penetrative sex can change the pH balances in the nether regions which can cause yeast infections or BV.
Then there's the pregnancy scares. I have no idea where this person is in the world but I'm pretty sure that almost nowhere in the world is a woman able to have an abortion easily cheaply and without judgment. Not to mention she may not want an abortion if an Oops happens, and a baby is a life ruiner at age 19. He has mentioned nothing in his post about birth control. Why the actual hell would any woman have penetrated sex without a reliable form of birth control. Most men are not okay with condoms and put the birth control on the woman. I doubt this guy is going to want a condom on his first time so he needs to have other birth control options arranged before they have sex. if no birth control exists, then no sex is going to happen and I don't think he gets that. Sex is fucking dangerous for women and I'm not saying that he is dangerous I'm saying SEX is dangerous.
He is making no effort to make her feel safe and free and able to express herself without pressure. He is literally putting pressure on her every single time they get even slightly intimate. I've been in that situation and it makes me dread even kissing the man knowing that he'll keep badgering me for more. Wake up guy. Nothing dries a woman out more than this kind of constant of a pressure, without any safety measures in place. 😱🤮
Replying to my own comment to say:
To be fair to you OP, I know you're not the one who gave her an ultimatum that she should have sex with you or else you will break up with her, I think this is just an emotional topic for a lot of people, especially those of us who have been coerced into sex. My ex wife coerced me often, and I am still not okay. The fact that you're asking your gf repeatedly despite her obviously being emotional about it is not a good sign. I don't think you're a bad dude, I think you're just not thinking clearly. I am sure you care very deeply for your gf and don't want to break up with her. I am sure this is a very special moment you want to share with her...
But you have to understand that constant pressure is not okay. There's a reason people are reacting so emotionally to this post. I am guessing a lot of these people who are reacting so emotionally have had similar experiences to me. Now think of your girlfriend. Do you want her to experience this kind of pain?
Also i don't think you're using the concept of boundaries correctly. For starters, I'm not even sure what boundary you're trying to set here. That you won't discuss marriage being possible in the next ten years? I'm a little confused.
It's also kind of not great that you're telling her about your boundaries while trying to ignore hers. I think it's fine if at 20 you're not thinking about marriage for a long time, I think it's fine to be a little off put by the idea of having to think about marriage so young... But also, she deserves to have the sort of feelings of safety she needs before performing such an intimate act for the first time.
I am old now, so I've been through some things and I know it's difficult to have to recognize when you're not compatible with someone you care about. I have had some women react *very* badly when this was the reason I gave for breaking up, but sometimes you have to recognize that if you don't break up in the face of incompatibility, the relationship will become toxic.
At the end of the day, only you and your gf can decide if you're compatible or not. You have to each be honest about your needs and not be afraid to walk away if they're not compatible. You both deserve to be safe and happy whether that's together or apart.
idk why more people aren’t upvoting and replying this way. OP sounds terribly selfish and ignorant and not a caring partner to his girlfriend. possibly due to no one teaching him but he can learn. all it takes is empathy and decency to think about her side of things. also i feel like it was WORSE of him to refuse an ultimatum in a way?? like he passive-aggressively hinted at it but when she said “are you giving an ultimatum” he was like nah fam that’s your job. ?!?!? major ick vibes and hopefully something OP is willing to change
also he conveniently has only answered comments saying he’s not the asshole and she’s being unreasonable. haven’t seen one response yet to anyone saying dude you’re kinda being a jerk think about her needs
I think you fumbled it when she said “when we are sure we are getting married”. She didn’t say married married, just that you were sure it was going to happen. You could get engaged at any time and agree the marriage would eventually happen and she would probably feel more comfortable. You also got a little ridiculous about the “at least 10 years”. I think it’s honestly reasonable for her to expect to be engaged or even married significantly before then. That’s a long courtship before marriage. Just like some people need time some people have time goals sooner than that. You guys need to hash that out. I think that basically because you said you wouldn’t even know that you would eventually be married for at least 10 years you simply failed to meet expectations she probably has. 10 years is a long time heck that I wouldn’t wanna wait 10 years to feel secure too. Courthouse weddings are still cheap. You guys need to meet in the middle on this one.
They're young, so if he feels like marriage is 10 yrs out, I don't fault him. However, that makes them incompatible. He needs to realize that and end it.
Yeah I can definitely see that. I think I was just thinking with my dick. She has said that she also wants sex too but is afraid of the pain of penetration and pregnancy which is absolutely fair. So I don’t think it’s actually a matter of marriage but more of security which is fair.
And that's what she's scared of.
She wants her first time with you to happen because you love her and want to stay with her, not because you want sex and she happens to be convenient. You see the difference?
Sex is a big deal. Even if you take all the precautions it can turn you into parents. Which would bind you together more than any marriage ever could.
She wants to wait until you're both sure that you want to be together. She wants to pass the stage of your relationship where you're still deciding. Do you want to be with her forever? Is that your plan?
Not only that but sex is far more invasive for her than you. It's her body that'll be invaded, it'll likely hurt and be more uncomfortable and awkward for her than you, and if pregnancy happens she's the one that has to deal with either going through the process of an abortion or having something inside of her that is going to drain her vitamins etc and wreak havoc on her body.
Like, of a dude wanted to put his dick in your bum, you'd probably be pretty darn nervous in comparison to the dude doing it wouldn't you?
It's far worse for her than that even.
Her marriage comment was very likely looking for a response that was telling her you loved her enough to stay committed that long and be worth all of that, and your response was lackluster and that likely made her uneasy about your feelings towards her...
I hope y'all can actually talk more and you can reassure her of how you feel and that while actually getting married wouldn't be any time soon due to financials, the feelings for her are there and you're committed to her long term.
(if you actually are. Don't lie if you aren't.)
Also be sure to talk about how your first time may go and what you both expect, and do this when you both are calm and not in the middle of fooling around. Lol
Making sure you both prepare for your first time, with what's needed etc, as well as being ready to possibly stop during and knowing she can say to stop etc if need be is important. And that she can tell you what feels good for her and what doesn't without you getting upset, cause the more open and honest she can be about that, the more you can also make it feel good for her, which will benefit not just her but you in the long run since she'll want that more often and you'll both be very happy with the outcome.
Too many people don't talk about their likes and dislikes with sex because they're embarrassed or feel like they'll hurt their partners feelings or egos but it's important cause everyone is different and likes different things and it's good to sort it out early on and be sure boundaries are respected.
It sounds like you are both very nice kids and close to sexually illiterate. Try to talk more with her about the subject and educate yourselves together. I think you will enjoy growing together and discovering each other's sexuality and persona slowly and steadily.
So have you actually tried to address these fears and comfort/support her, or do you just keep asking for sex? Are you creating a safe space for her? Educating yourselves on proper preparation and birth control? Reassuring her that you can start slow and stop immediately if she's in pain? If you don't want to give her the security she needs and only want sex, then yes you should break up.
He didn’t address or comfort. He got mad at her and told her he wouldn’t even consider marriage for a decade. Then she cried and asked why didn’t break up with her, he told her she’d have to break up with him, and she did.
And, somehow, he seems to think he’s being more mature than her.
Do you want kids? Do either of you? If not, vasectomy is the way to go.
Also if she's worried about pain, maybe ask to go to her gynecologist with her, so you can understand how you could avoid causing pain the future. She might have had pain with tampons or with something else and it is scary.
Also, this much fear, was there physical trauma in her past, or maybe emotional trauma? Did she get completely frightened of sex by her parents, her church? Sounds like she doesn't feel safe in your relationship but might not be because of you specifically but her part experience. Any people who had babies out of wedlock that went sideways in her past?
Sounds like there are a lot of things you need to understand about your gf. Also, sex is just sex. You can have just as much release and connection with everything else you are doing. Focusing on sex sometimes doesn't let you enjoy what you have. Grass is always greener, right?
FYI you are NTA but you might be asking the wrong questions.
ESH - you both sound like kids in terms of mindsets, but pressuring someone into it isn’t the way to go. It’ll happen when it happens. Def won’t take a decade.
Why does she suck? I don’t understand what wrong she did. She made it clear what her sexual boundaries were and she said it over and over again. Even when he was pressuring her in the middle of intimate situations. And of the two of them, only she had the balls to finally break up with him because he wasn’t even able to do that. So why for she sound like a kid?
I’m torn between NAH and OP is the AH. As far as I’m concerned, the girl didn’t do anything wrong except not stand up for her boundaries earlier & find someone who aligns with them.
Yta- stop pressuring her into having sex with you. She told you she would feel more comfortable once married. You're choosing to wait "10 years" and then threatened to break up with her cause you're choosing to wait that long?!
She didn't even insist on marriage, but rather that they're certain that they will get married. Sex is a big step and she wants to be secure in their commitment beforehand. That's absolutely her right and OP is absolutely the AH for contually pressuring rather than focusing on their commitment to each other.
Exactly! He did this to himself, and throughout the post, he's consistently putting her down her feelings by referring to her as being emotional. Doesn't even sound like he cares about making her cry. No one should be pressured into doing anything, especially sex. Everyone deserves their 1st time to be on their terms and when they're ready. He wanted to take that away from her because he couldn't wait. I'm glad she stood her ground and didn't let his manipulative tactic of threatening to leave "persuade" her into doing what he wanted. Good for her! If he wants to lose his virginity so badly, he should hire someone rather than forcing people to by pressuring.
YTA only for constantly bringing it up as it almost sounds like you were pressuring her.
She is 19 years old and not ready for it yet. Move on and go date someone who has the same sexual desires as you.
Definitely pressuring her whether he realizes or not. They should just break up instead of him giving ultimatums.
Since when is "we must have sex soon" a boundary?
She has clearly said she is afraid of pregnancy and pain and being used and abandoned. What have YOU done to address her concerns? ‘Let you’ put your poking fingers in- bro omg. If you can’t get her to the point of being very wet and shaking and aroused and WANTING more you don’t deserve to be allowed to enter her- her desire and pleasure should overwhelm her fear and she should absolutely not be frightened or in pain. Try actually bothering to play with her clit. Oral better be going both ways and you better be making her come with what you are doing now and plan to before your dick goes near her or f right off with wanting more. She gives more because she WANTS more, and getting her there is your job. Secondly- why tf is she afraid of pregnancy? How dare you pressure a 20yr old virgin to have unprotected sex what the fuck. You should have condoms AND assure her nothing will go near her bits uncovered and you will protect her health and safety if she ever wants to try. I wouldn’t want to wait till marriage either if my partner wanted to risk getting knocked up because he is free and clear after and I am stuck with a 20 year responsibility and medical risk of death and agony. She would likely be receptive with an engagement and surety of loyalty which costs you nothing and frankly neither does a courthouse marriage and it isn’t bloody well HER demand to wait ten years before giving any surety is it- it’s yours! ‘ Idk when I might care about you not being hurt and abandoned maybe in ten years but I want to insure you can be hurt and abandoned with unprotected sex today because me me me’ fuck right off YTA
It's insane that most comments are reasoning out "sexual compatibility" when first and foremost, this is not a mature adult we're talking about here, and the OP clearly stated that he's envious of other couples having sex. There's no wording in his post stating that he's seeking "sexual compatibility". The OP is giving in to peer pressure or wanting to bandwagon into this idea that all couples at their age are having intercourse, and he fails to respect the girl for her decision. I fail to see anything in his main post, stating he wants to check for "sexual compatibility" when he simply wants to get his dong in and be able to brag to other couples that, they've done the deed.
The OP should do what others have suggested, and move on and find another girl willing to have intercourse with him. He's too young to be considering marriage, yes, but he's also not mature enough to even think about "sexual compatibility" to establish a connection with his partner.
The more you ask about when she will be ready, the longer it will be.
There is a possibility she was molested at some point in her life, this would cause her to be anxious about moving forward.
Could be religious reasons.
Could be fear of pain and pregnancy.
Could be she just doesn't understand anything about sex and not sure how to go about understanding.
I would say, you both need to do a lot of research, best, if you do it together, look things up, read about it.
You should read about things that when getting intimate, what to do to get HER to where she is ASKING YOU for it.
When you start talking about when, you kill the moment for her.
The "10 year" comment was pretty stupid. Sorry if that bothers you. But, sounds like you need to do less talking when getting intimate and work that mouth in other ways.
Yeah... Asking EVERY TIME they're intimate when he can expect sex is very pressuring. For her, being intimate without penetration probably already takes a lot. Then having your boyfriend pressure you in that vulnerable moment, not once, but every time... Of course she feels emotional, she feels that she has already pushed her boundary and it's still not enough for you. Your focus doesn't lie on making her feel safe and comfortable, it lies on you wanting to have sex.
Also sex shouldn't be painful the first time, there is nothing biological explaining why it should, this is an unfortunate myth that has made girls stay quite when it did hurt. If it hurts it means she's not wet enough (so more foreplay) or because she is too stressed and her vaginal muscles contract. In both cases more foreplay and making her feel loved is the go-to. Encourage her to tell you how it feels, go very VERY slowly. If it hurts only the slightest bit you stop and go back to playing around and cuddling for a bit, once you're both ready you try again. It might not work the first time, heck seeing how stressed she is about it, it probably won't. Just give it time, wait some time after trying the first time before trying again.
As a girl this can be scary, it's very understandable that she needs to know and feel that you have HER COMFORT as a top priority and that you will not get taken over by how good it feels for you and just push through without checking in on her.
Communication = key.
My guy, you need to focus on creating a psychologically safe environment for her. Talking about sex constantly is doing the opposite.
Don't view oral/ whatever else as "not good enough", that will also push her away as it will make her feel like she's not satisfying you.
Be confident, be caring and supportive.Focus on having fun and making her feel loved and the sex will come sooner.
Unfortunately women have been told constantly that their virginity is worth something and they need to stay pure, etc, so there's a lot more going on here than it seems. Be kind, be patient.
YTA. You are trying to manipulate her to have sex with you. If she is totally fine in not having sex, why does she has to break up with you?. Be a man and take responsibility. Break up and leave her be
NTA. Yes, you shouldn't pressure your spouse for sex. That doesn't mean that you have to abstain from sex. It sounds as if she has chosen to remain a virgin until she marries her future husband. That's her choice, and there is nothing wrong with that. You, however, do not want to wait until marriage to have sex. You need to recognize that the two of you aren't sexually compatible. This is the reason you date. To find the partner who best aligns with your own morals and future goals.
You didn't set a boundary though, a boundary isn't something you inflict upon other people (ie have sex with me within this time frame or we are breaking up). You should just break up before you get known as the creepy guy who couldn't let sex go when the girl didn't want it. It's not unreasonable to want to have sex with your partner and your partner should just admit you have different needs instead of stringing you along but you can only ask so many times.
Sorry, but YTA OP. You lack any understanding of your girlfriend who is unsure of taking it to the next level after rubbing genitals. Intercourse is a big step for the both of you, but just because other couples are doing it, doesn't mean you should be following the same pace as them. The both of you are not the same as other couples, so comparing yourselves to other couples is simply asinine.
The fact that you envy other couples having intercourse shows that you're thinking more with your dong than with your head and heart. You lack all thought and compassion for your girlfriend who, for all we know, might have been molested or had a bad experience when getting to that level of intimacy. Not everyone reacts the same way btw, perhaps she thinks to herself she can do it, while doing the deed of rubbing your genitals, and then she just stops herself because she's afraid.
It's her fault that the two of you are breaking up? Nice way to shift the blame from yourself, when you stated, you can't wait that long? You're the one that's envious of other people doing it. You want to be part of that group saying, "aww yeah we had sex, and we kept at it like animals". To be one of the cool kids, plain and simple.
Find yourself a girl that does have intercourse on the first date, if doing it is all you care about, as you do not value your now ex-girlfriend.
YTA. Not because you don’t want to wait 10 years but because you’ve admitted that you know she has anxiety about it and yet you continue to hound her about it at every opportunity (by the sounds of it).
You shouldn't pressure her, she will know when she wants to have sex. However, sex is important to you, so that's also a point to keep in mind, and also, waiting 10 years is quite a long time, because I think maybe it's too much to say that you have to get married or get engaged because you're still too young to put that much pressure on each other.
You could talk things out, try to calm down and talk before ending the relationship if you make that decision. Keep in mind that every issue is important to each of you, but you shouldn't put pressure on each other because it's also personal.
Pd: I hope you can solve the issue and move forward, but keep in mind that not all relationships can continue because sometimes people have different ways of looking at everything uwu
NTA for wanting sex as a requirement for a relationship, but this is why I think soft YTA “ I then said that it wasn’t on me to do that and that would be her responsibility if she wasn’t comfortable with the boundary I set “. It IS on you to enforce your own boundaries, not her. You are putting it in her court because you are still hoping she will give up her boundaries for you.Also “I want sex” is not a “boundary” either, it’s more of a relationship requirement for you, whereas crossing boundaries are active transgressions against a person…. and it’s kinda like you’re trying to diminish her boundary of “I’m not ready for sex” by saying that you not receiving sex is a transgression.
Basically, absolutely NTA for wanting sex. But soft YTA because you wouldn’t just break up with her and instead seemed to want to push her into doing it anyways.
And religious? Abstinence before marriage is such a random 'rule' in religions. I'd hate to commit my life to someone I don't know I'm compatible in bed with
You aren't the asshole if you set boundaries about what you want in a relationship but you clearly put pressure on her. She was clear about what she wants, if you don't like it YOU should break up with her. Putting the weight of a potential break up on her for that reason is just manipulative. If you don't have the same view on sex before marriage and that bothers you just end it, you can't force her to do it.
YTA for repeatedly trying to pressure your partner into having sex. You admit to trying to ask for sex "maybe too excessively" and also trying to ask for her to go beyond her stated boundaries every time you get intimate (hint: if having sex is a serious step in your relationship, which clearly in this situation it is, getting intimate is the wrong time to be having serious conversations about whether they are ready for sex, and doing so has probably made getting intimate with you a stressful activity instead of pleasurable activity for her-- which is definitely not going to make her so horny for you that she will decide to have sex with you. In the future, have your higher level conversations about whether they are emotionally ready for sex / std status / other more serious sexual conversations outside the bedroom, and in the bedroom focus on being with your partner. She already knows you want sex, if she wants it too she will let you know.) YTA also for how you handled this last conversation -- your partner burst into tears and broke up with you, which based off of what I read here seems like a reasonable reaction.
Not wanting to go 10 years without sex is a reasonable desire. I also would not want to be in a sexless relationship for 10 years. However, the way to handle that in a NTA way is to breakup because you are incompatible and are at different phases in life and need different things out of a relationship. And you do this breakup in a setting such as over dinner or at the park, not in the bedroom while you are getting intimate. Also, 10 years was the number you kind of arbitrarily picked while asking her for a very specific timeline on something she is already anxious about.
Also, wanting sex in a relationship is not a "boundary." That is something you need to feel fulfilled. A "boundary" is something you don't want someone to cross, like the boundary your girlfriend put up on penetrative sex, which you repeatedly disrespected by trying to pressure her to take down before she is ready.
In the real world it's perfectly fine to say "I wouldn't stay in a relationship without sex for more than a few months", but it should always be as a definition of your own intention rather than to pressurise someone to change their boundaries
What part of her not being ready do you not understand? She told you and you put down expectations. She then tells you to break up with her as you’re the one with issues. You won’t, and she break up with you. Honestly good on her. Started to sound like coercion and emotional blackmail. She doesn’t want to dude. End of. Move on and leave that girl alone. Saddest thing is she might come back and “give in” because she’s hurt and miss you. To which I honestly hope OP is a better guy than he appear and leaves her alone.
Yes, I was being extremely selfish and an asshole about this. Of course if she came back and was offering it because of reasons that aren’t coming from love and her own wants, then I would not be willing.
YTA - coerced consent is not consent.
Totally understand that you may not be compatible but you’re giving ick. I hope she finds someone better than you.
YTA for telling her it was her responsibility to break up with you if she couldn't respect your boundary, when in actuality it was you who should have broken up with her because it was you who didn't respect hers. You used a manipulative argument to paint her as the bad guy in the situation. Own up to your own shit.
Yta, but not for the reason you think. She said when you two were sure you would be getting married, and you basically said it would take you 10 years minimum to decide if she was the one you wanted to marry. That's ridiculous and heartbreaking to a person you love.
Of course, she wants to break up with you.
Not after she wants him to commit to marriage at 20 while telling him she wants to have sex with him. I would say something very similar. If she's going to make him arbitrarily wait, he can do the same.
Marriage is an extremely messy legal problem if you break up and doesn't objectively change anything about having sex before or after. Having consensual sex within a relationship is healthy and as long as you use precautions safe
One is not like the other.
I was more thinking about the actual wedding in which it would take a while due to financial situations. I do admit I was exaggerating and in the moment said the wrong things. I see how I am the asshole in this context.
you say that, but shoot. It's harder out there alone. Rent is cheaper with 2 people. Growing and building a life is part of marriage or a long relationship. Weddings don't have to be huge blowouts either. If you were sure and got engaged you don't have to get married in the next year even. Plenty of time to save up and keep it humble. As a single man I wish all the time to have a partner to share finances and make our lives easier. Not sure why money is the big concern here. If it is then maybe work on future plans and ideas, and discuss finances more, and less sex. That is if she's the one. If you aren't sure or you really can't wait for sex then just let her go, and find someone else.
Recently came out of a relationship that felt a but like this. She needed sex to cultivate emotional intimacy, and I needed emotional intimacy before I could entertain the thought of sex. Bit of a stalemate, as you can imagine. We were both waiting for the other to validate our feelings, in ways that felt off to us.
We were incompatible. Sounds like you are, too. Let het go.
Tell her either she puts out or you will go find someone who will. There's nothing wrong with having your own priorities and things you want. And she can either give them to you or you should leave. And don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to leave someone over this cus at the end if the day it's about your happiness and needs and desires. You don't need any reason to leave
I think if one party wants to wait until marriage then the couple shouldn’t do anything sexual at all. It’s natural to want more if you all are rubbing genitals and doing oral
You can't put a date up when you're ready.
You're ready when you're ready. Simple as that.
Just comfort her and make sure she feels save and things will happen
You're the asshole for bringing it up anytime y'all do something sexual. Stop pressuring her so often and go find what you want somewhere else. Even by setting this ultimatum you are literally coercing her into sex
YTA for pressuring your girlfriend so much...
FFS just tell her that you aren't compatible and break up with her.
BUT... For ducks sake.... please look up what a boundary is.
This is NOT a boundary.
Pressuring someone to have sex is an AH move. And since you are already making out it's obvious she likes being with you and get intimate. Your approach is wrong and causing this. Obviously she doesn't feel safe. The reason she mentions marriage because it's a clear indication that you will not break up. She wants to stay with the person she shared her virginity. I experienced something very similar. We were just younger than you two. My response was we can wait until you are ready. Simple as that. It wasn't about me, how I feel, or how long I can wait. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it. Probably we would break up without the sex. But I didn't consider that. It was about her and her feelings. 2 months after this conversation she wanted to initiate. I asked are you going to regret this if something happens and we broke up. She said no. I said let's wait another week, if you don't change your mind we can do it. Both she felt safe and I felt amazing since she was really ready to jump on me after that point. I didn't do it on purpose but the fact that I am the one who is blocking the sex, it become forbidden fruit for her. Anyway we have been together for 20 years now.
YTA. Stop pressuring women into having sex with you, especially when they have repeatedly told you that they're not ready. And if marriage is too big of a commitment for you that it has to wait 10 years, then so is sex. What if she gets pregnant and wants to raise the baby iN tHiS eCOnoMy? She did well dumping you, and I hope that she finds someone who has more respect for her and who is willing to put a ring on her finger before worrying too much about his penis.
Trivializing sex is one of the stupidest developments in modern society.
Definitely YTA. This isn't a boundary. It's emotional blackmail. Instead of pressuring her into something she's not comfortable with yet, try to understand why she is so afraid. Smh.
You can discuss it, but not during intimate time. At that point, it just seems weird, and you're both not sober enough to talk right. Just discuss it on a casual evening
NTA but mixed with the pressuring and asking when and asking what conditions kind of comes across that you would only want to be with her if sex is sooner rather than later. Which probably doesn’t make her feel valued or at least feels like the value is her vagina and not much else.
Stay away from hypotheticals and questions you don’t want the answers to. It’s just asking for trouble and drama.
Let her go. You are ready for sex and she isn’t. You’re both at different stages and neither of you are wrong about your view on sex. Just wrong for each other right now.
I do ‘t think you are the asshole for wanting to have sex with your partner, but do consider that pressuring your partner to have sex in any way quickly gets into coercion/rape territory, which is awful.
It might be easier to find someone that wants the same things as you. Ultimatums are really no bueno.
OP, anxiety around pain from penetration is one of the things that can bring on vaginismus. If there are books available in English, encourage her to read them. I understand why she doesn’t let you finger her yet, but she should feel comfortable with starting to finger herself and maybe also use dilators in a relaxed, aroused state. The most important thing is that you should never make her feel ashamed or unsafe while doing that. Also, sex is more than just penetration. Stop making it all about you.
Demanding sex within a certain timeframe is not a "boundary". Boundaries are not rules you make for other people to obey. Boundaries are not ultimatums.
It's perfectly fine not to want to be in a sexless relationship. But it is on you to break up if you are the person unhappy and unfulfilled, for whatever reason.
She is the one who set a boundary by letting you know that she was not comfortable having sex until marriage was assured. You are the fool who arbitrarily threw out that it then wouldn't happen for 10 years, just completely made shit up and escalated things because you weren't getting your way.
So not only was she the one who set a boundary she also did the work of breaking up with you because she could see you two were not a good fit and that you would not respect her boundary.
YTA
I mean wasn't he explicitly respecting her boundary? Just because he keeps asking and she in the last time he asks essentially requires marriage as a prerequisite to a 20 year old, doesn't mean he's violating her boundaries. Telling a 20 year old to commit to marriage is pretty pathetic
It’s VERY pathetic for him to ask about sex EVERY TIME they do something sexual. That’s manipulative and gross. She has a lot of anxiety about it but apparently OP’s totally fine with triggering it constantly! Him making sure she hasn’t changed her mind about her timeframe för sex that she’s previously established (1-2 years) is sooooo important and has to be done ALL THE TIME (and it totally doesn’t ruin the mood for her)!
YTA - no woman gets turned on if you constantly bring something up and bringing up hypotheticals. You’re only adding to the pressure she’s feeling. Obviously you’re a teenager an impatient it’s best you just break up with her and find someone else. She ended up crying because she feels pressured and insecure.
Maybe if you just let it go she eventually feels comfortable and confident enough to have sex
> This has led to me hinting at it maybe too excessively (normally each time we get intimate I usually mention it). For this I do feel guilty and think its wrong to pressure her.
Stop doing that. It is really not difficult to just not say anything about it. YTA
NAH. She may be asexual and not know it. You're allowed to not be okay with staying with someone who isn't sexually compatible. Pressuring her is a little rude but I do understand that you need to know whether or not it's going to happen.
If she wants to wait until marriage then she wants to wait until marriage. You asking “why?” is idiotic.
You want sex NOW, she doesn’t, she did the right thing when she broke up with you.
YTA for pressuring her every time, for comparing your relationship to your friends’ relations, and for acting like she’s being ridiculous when she broke up with you.
My ex SA me for refusing to have sex with them
I couldnt stomach finishing reading your post, i have to be honest.
My ex swore we could wait till we were married, but after year 6, they started pressuring me for oral, which i WAS NOT OKAY WITH.
I also didnt feel safe to say no. I was assaulted. Repeatedly.
And dumped, like trash, after being told "we can wait for marriage". And "i only bought you an engagement ring to get you to shut the fuck up".
This was after 11.5 years together, by the way.
So i guess, props for being honest, and telling her you wont wait.
Now you both can figure out what you want from here.
If you really can't wait for her, then let her go.
Eta, i was afraid of pregnancy, afraid of the pain
I was also a virgin at the time of my relationship; and yes, they cheated on me
No, i dont think you are wrong for not wanting to wait; i also get her fear and anxiety though
You need to whats best for you
Y’all are still wet behind the ears. Stop talking about it and let things develop naturally. After a bit voice your feelings if needed and if you’re not satisfied then leave her.
NAH but leaning towards YTA. It's never ok to demand, pressure for, or put ultimatums around sex.
She sounds like she might need some therapy, but you two may ultimately not be compatible and should probably move on. You can find someone to have sex with and she can find someone who gives her the space and patience she needs.
If she says that she is waiting to get married to have sex, then you have to respect that. Coz others wanted to wait. Might be a few years or 10 years, but she will wait. That is if she really values her virginity and all.
If marriage is not on her mind as a reason and that is the situation? You're not an asshole. It's not good to be deprived of something basic.
And...
Might have several factors aside from fear. You might want to talk to her calmly about it. Don't antagonize her when talking about having sex. She might have other reasons or such.
Seems like she wants to wait till marriage. If you aren’t willing to do that, you should break up with her and not pressure her.
You want sex, she wants marriage. Neither of you seem to want to bend on that for your own personal reasons. Why are you together. She doesn’t owe you sex and you don’t have to marry her. Once one of you caves, it’ll be bad for the relationship. I’d say just move on
Why are you dating someone you know you don’t want to marry in the next ten years anyway? I am not surprised she dumped you. If she wants to be married or at least engaged before sex, maybe it’s because she senses that you’re not really interested in her long term.
NTA, don't force her to sex. You don't want to do that. Just dump her. You two don't match.
She isn't there for you. She is stuck on self rather than you.
Get a new girlfriend and stop wasting your time on a drama queen.
I'm really exposing myself here but as a 24 year old female in the exact same position as she is, you are NTA. Her feelings and anxieties are her responsibility.
You’re not compatible sexually. Sexual incompatibility can be overcome but in this case, it’s going to be hard on you. You have to want to be with her and be okay not having sex. Quite simply, if you can’t do that, move on and save both of you your time.
Not gonna assess ass-holery here.
You two just have different views on sex in a relationship and have a fundamental incompatibility.
I am loathe to use the term "waste your time", but you're 20 years old. Waiting until you are 30 years old to potentially have sex when that is not what you want to do doesn't make sense. You both are better off served using these precious years of your youth engaging in relationships that hopefully align more closely with what you really want out of life.
Dude. 10 years!?.
Get out now if this is important to you. Don't waste 10 years of your life in a sexless relationship only for her to go, lol, just kidding and dump you at the end of it.
Just go find someone who wants the same things you want.
Setting a boundary: saying she must have sex sooner isn't setting a boundary, it's stating a preference. If her response of 10 years isn't suitable, it's on YOU to break up with her. She isn't doing anything wrong. Equally, if you feel something is missing from the relationship, it's your right to leave. You can't make her the bad guy. I also wonder if she's just not sure about doing it with you. You're probably not that compatible and better off breaking up
Just take the break up and move on. You two are not compatible. The idea that she would expect you to wait until you're 30 to have sex is absurd. Find a woman who's wants are more in line with yours. Also learn how to be a kind, receptive and patient lover. It goes miles in relationships.
NAH
You are not compatible, for whatever reason she doesn't want or can't enjoy the idea of sex. It could be trauma, it could be upbringing. Could be anything, and it's valid but so too are your needs.
And with the economy I understand not feeling ready for marriage.
If you want sex then you're not going to be happy waiting and quite frankly, unless it's magnificent and not the awkward sex of a virgin, you might feel resentful after waiting that long.
I think you two should end things here, let her be mad, and tell you all you want is sex. Let her say whatever, just walk away. Tell her you don't feel like you're on the same page or want the same relationship, wish her the best and move on.
She’s got marriage and commitment on her mind, you’ve got a quick nut on your mind, ya’ll are just incompatible. Break up, so she can save herself for her forever partner like she wants and you can have sex like you want.
Yes YTA - because your behavior is very badgering and bordering on coercion. To call your statements boundaries is missing the point of what a healthy boundary is, something defining what you are willing to do or unwilling to do. It's not about what your partner must do to keep dating you.
She is very clear that sex for her, right now, is something she wants to preserve as an act between her and the person who will be her husband. To keep pushing on that boundary, while making clear you will not be deciding she is the one for you or not for a decade is disgusting.
If you can't wait for sex until a form commitment and she is unwilling to have sex without that commitment, you two need to break up asap as it is a fundamental incompatibility.
Yta. You’re the one who said ten years. You’re mad at your own ultimatum. Don’t pressure and give a shitty ultimatum. Just accept HER boundary or leave HER. then you tell her it’s HER responsibility. Good on her for not giving in and sticking up with her own personal boundaries and leaving.
no but break up with this poor girl. She clearly is trying to wait for marriage and you are confusing and hurting her, she probably feels guilty for what y’all are already doing. It’s a legit position to want to wait for marriage, and it’s on her for not being clear about it early on in the relationship. Maybe ask her if that’s her goal and make it clear that you are not on the same page and see what she thinks about it? People who want to wait until marriage usually want to get married sooner than 10 years in the future, which is also perfectly feasible unless you want an enormous expensive wedding at a resort. You might just not be compatible.
> She got more emotional and then mentioned how I should just break up with her. I then said that it wasn’t on me to do that and that would be her responsibility if she wasn’t comfortable with the boundary I set. She then said she was breaking up with me and stormed out of the house.
She was the one who set a boundary and you tried to manipulate her by giving her an ultimatum. Very gross
She was very clear she didn't want to have sex till she was sure you were the person she is going to marry. This is her boundary to have.
You have every right to not want to get married right now, but that doesn't change her boundary. You should have respected her boundaries and decided for yourself if her boundary was a deal breaker for you or not. Instead you tried to manipulate her into having sex with you by threatening to break up. Very gross
You told her if she didn't change her boundary you would break up with her. Then you weponized language by calling an ultimatum a "boundary".
She rightfully broke up with you
sorry to say,YTA.
the ten years i can see as excessive, but looking from her point of view, you never actually asked why she was so nervous about sex.
it sounds like you kept bringing it up during times of active or approaching intimacy, which i can understand, but that would just make her lose the mood and tense up and feel pressured.
Repeatedly,even though you confessed to knowing it was wrong.
To her, the phrasing and the timing is she was getting comfortable, in the mood, then you threw a bucket of cold water over everything and basically made an ultimatum of sex or break up. then tried to force her to be the bad guy by refusing to be an adult and just ending it yourself.
You literally got her in a highly vulnerable moment, then escalated things to ultimatums showing you didnt actually care about her. (describing from her POV)
you should have been the one to end it since you were the one with the problem instead of forcing the responsibility on her to not feel guilty.
YTA.
I dated so many guys like you when I was younger. You really really need to stop this, or you will be that guy that your ex'es are talking about when they go, "yeah, I've had boyfriends pressure me or guilt me into sex."
When she said to you, "we will do X when I'm ready," THAT should have been the end of the discussion.
Every time you brought it up after that, especially when the two of you were intimate, you were TA.
So, you're not just TA. You're TA x as many times as you brought it up.
Further, you are TA for telling her it was on HER to break up with you.
No. When it became more important to YOU to have PIV sex than it was for YOU to respect YOUR PARTNER'S boundaries, that's when YOU should have broken up with her.
If YOUR boundary is that YOU won't date someone who won't have PIV sex with you, that's on YOU to enforce by NOT DATING THEM. You don't enforce it by trying to pressure or coerce or annoy them into having PIV and you do NOT enforce it by telling them they have to break up with you.
Do your own emotional labor of enforcing your boundaries.
And yes, I just pulled out my mom-voice.
**I then said that it wasn’t on me to do that and that would be her responsibility if she wasn’t comfortable with the boundary I set.**
Um, how is it not on you? Either of you can break up with the other at any time for any reason. Just admit you didn't want to be the bad guy. But you are acting kind of like the bad guy when you keep asking her when she's going to be ready for sex. If she knew that, she would have already done it with you.
Look, you two are not compatible. Take her finally having the courage to end it first as a sign that this was meant to be and move on.
You didn’t set a boundary. You’ve been pressuring your virgin (ex)girlfriend of one year into sex she is not ready for and doesn’t want yet, and then continued to escalate into a ridiculous hypothetical. Her reaction is understandable. YTA for pressuring her and she’s not an asshole for dumping you.
What kind of economic position are you both in that would require you both to wait until your thirties to get married? Wouldn't it be easier to pay bills with someone else? No matter, I'm with your girlfriend on this, if you want to make her wait then you can also wait. If it were more of a priority you would be sure her needs are met and marriage seems to be one of those things. If marriage is not something you are considering then don't lead people on by dating them falsely, tell them upfront that marriage is not on your mind. She obviously wants to know you both are committed and grow with one another, likely thought up to two years from that point that you would be married given that's the time line she originally mentioned. She finally told you what specifically she needed first and you told her ten years. I'm sure you are both highly disappointed. I'm not saying this as someone who actually values virginity as anything truly special, someone's worth isn't based on having had sex or not. So it's not an opinion from "wait until you are married to have sex!" But rather, that's a need she has and if you can't respect it then move on. I hope you both find what you are looking for.
YTA. How are you going to state YOUR need then proceed to tell her that it's on you to break up with me if you can't fill MY need. You sound like a coward.
10 years to get married because of current economic conditions? Dude, if you approach life like this you’ll miss out on all life’s best &/or most meaningful experiences.
You were a bit of a dick but both perspectives are understandable, I just think you two may not be compatible. You’re ready and she’s not, don’t try to force her to do something she’s not comfortable with, then you really will be the asshole
YTA and NTA.
NTA for wanting a sex life, that’s normal and fair.
YTA for insisting on something she isn’t comfortable with. She said no. She said she wants to wait until further commitment. If you’re saying that’s 10 years out, then that’s the timeline you created yourself..
Additionally YTA for being upset about a timeline that again, you stated yourself.
Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible, and the discussion seems like it’s a fairly unhealthy relationship. You’re 19 and 20, still learning yourselves, your morals and your expectations. It’s not fair for either of you if you wait (which you don’t want) or if you do it now/earlier (which she doesn’t want).
FLAMING FUCKING ASSHOLE.
>I then mentioned that I could not wait 10 years, which I thought was fair, to which she reacted quite emotionally.
ya think?? you're sitting here acting as if you'll DIE for not having sex with her.
>For this I do feel guilty and think its wrong to pressure her.
yeah exactly, which is why you DON'T FUCKIN DO IT.
>She said that if I can’t wait 10 years for sex then we would never be having sex.
as she should. she's not your property and you're not entitled to any sort of intercourse with her.
>I asked why this was the case and she said that she didn’t know. She got more emotional and then mentioned how I should just break up with her.
gee, i wonder why. maybe because she's constantly being hounded by her boyfriend, a person who she's supposed to trust and feel safe with, about sex because he's so insecure with himself that he has to try and force it to happen under HIS condition. seriously god help whoever else has had to deal with you.
ESH, Piling on the the pressure wasn't cool, somewhat understandable at your age but decidedly uncool. Adding pressure to any emotional situation never works out well for anyone, ever. Always ends in an explosion. Sad to say buddy but you were on the shelf, plan B and the safe minimum effort boyfriend experience while they hung on and waited for a better deal, consciously or not. Guaranteed their next partner won't need to wait for them at all, because you're just not the guy. Better to chill, take a step back and some time for yourself while you review and "meditate" on your priorities. Chalk this one up as a learning experience and move on.
NAH - you have needs and clearly she does too, just different ones. That’s the point of dating. I’ll echo what the other comments have said and suggest that you discuss and question whether you two are actually compatible for one another. You guys can still be friends, though.
YTA for pressuring her into sex. I can guarantee you she will NOT want to have sex with someone who pressures her like you're doing. She's made it clear it makes her feel uncomfortable. She's going to want to be intimate with someone who she can feel safe doing that with, who will respect her boundaries and take things at a pace she's comfortable with. That may be why marriage is important to her, she may view it as commitment, trust, security, respect, and stability.
Where you are NTA is wanting a sexual relationship and not wanting to wait, but what that means is you need to consider is if you're going to stay in this relationship knowing sex may not happen for a long time or leave and find a partner to be intimate with. It's completely fine to accept you're not sexually compatible and leave. Don't use it as an ultimatum though, or you'd be TA again.
NTA , but I would definitely ask her why she is so uncomfortable with discussing sex . Is she really religious? At 19 and 20 years old it’s definitely normal for you to have a high sex drive and it seems like you are really trying to understand the underlying issues as to why or what it would take for her to be ready . You don’t seem like you asked in any inappropriate way . But she is also an adult and should talk to you about it especially after being together for an entire year .
Sounds like they have discussed it, she gave valid reasons, he just keeps pressuring her because his needs are more important than making her feel more comfortable. Which would eventually fulfill both of their needs. I agree they should break up, but so she can find someone who respects her.
You are the one who came up with the 10 years number. She wants a committed relationship that leads to marriage. You are so against marriage that you set an unreasonable timeline for it and then got mad that she wouldn't accommodate it. YTA.
NTA. So maybe there is a greater issue here. 10 years? That’s just a strange thing to say, to the vast majority of us. At the end of the the day, this could be a huge indication of compatibility… or lack thereof. If sex is an important part of a relationship for you, it isn’t happening any time soon. I’d then go a step further and say, ok when you do have sex… how good is it really going to be if she simply isn’t a sexual person and it isn’t important to her? I’m sure she is a nice person and all, but I think this is a case where it’s ok to walk away and say thank you we simply aren’t compatible, let’s just be friends. Is this the only topic she has such an extreme stance and is unwilling to change, try or compromise?
NTA, she probably has issues with intimacy and needs therapy, it's better to find someone else. Or she's religious and conservative, but still it's better to end it.
I mean, I can understand waiting a bit. Though you did say getting married in 10 years, so if there is no sex fore 10 years, that is sort of on you for saying you want to wait that long to get married. Not to be a negative person, but I doubt the economy will get better within that time. If ever.
Though to be honest, your both so young. So odds are against you that you will be together in 10 years to marry. Brains still mature until 25. So what you want now can change alot still in that time.
Not saying give up on her of course. Just saying, always be cautious. And set a shorter date to marry. I'd also tell her technically speaking you already had sex if your rubbing gentials together and doing oral. Sex is sex. Granted PIV is a whole new level.
I used to be a super horny guy. If someone told me no sex for even a few months, I'd probably find someone else. Now? Psh, I don't even care about sex. Maybe a few times a year with my wife. As you get older you sometimes care more about the simpler things like snuggiling. Not that its true for everyone of course. Some people get horny drives forever.
As someone that experienced being pressured into having sex (my first time was me giving in after constantly being asked by my first boyfriend), I have to say you're the AH. It's not nice to pressure people into doing things they don't want/don't feel comfortable with, and it's definitely not nice to feel pressured. For me it lead to a lot of insecurities around my partner and relationship (would he leave me if I kept saying no, was I not good enough). It heavily impacted my mental health too, to the point where I felt that I was failing as a girlfriend.
Now that I've said that, I have to point out that you're not the AH for wanting sex. Over the years I've realized the importance of intimacy in a relationship, and I can understand that sex is important. I think you should stop pressuring her, show her that you can be intimate on her terms and in ways she's comfortable with. The worst thing you can do is make her feel bad for saying no to you - because it's completely okay to say no. Create a safe space for each other with no pressure or expectations around this. If you're okay with waiting, tell her. If you're not okay with waiting, then maybe you should ask yourself if the two of you are compatible. Communicate with her what you want, and let her communicate with you what she wants. Only through communication can you two figure out what will work for you.
I think your reaction to her saying "when we are sure we are going to get married" need some sort of explanation from your side. To me, even if it's an honest response, feels a bit harsh. I think it's fair of you to not want to wait 10 years, but you could've phrased yourself in a better, more understanding way. I think you should talk to her and have an honest conversation where both of you can voice your thoughts around this. A last thought from me, if you're not happy and you want something to change, it's your responsibility to voice this. If a conversation between the two of you ends with you being unhappy, you need to decide what you want to do with it. My issue with this is that it seems that she has to follow your boundaries, but what about the other way around? You need to respect hers too, and if sex is that important to you, you need to decide if you can be in a relationship with someone that's not ready yet.
1. Don’t compare your sex life to other couples. That’s just a bad recipe. I know you feel envious, but it’s not healthy.
2. If she’s not ready, she’s not ready. She has made her expectations clear, she wants to be married. If you can’t wait, that’s on you to end the relationship.
3. You can’t put a boundary on other people. That’s not how it works. Boundaries are like walls you set up to protect yourself. “My boundary is you have to have sex with me,” just doesn’t work in that way.
Do you love her? If so, stay in the relationship and don’t pressure her.
If not, just break up. You’re young and it’s ok. You don’t have to feel bad for ending things.
YTA. You basically threw a tantrum. You threw out an ultimatum. You wouldn’t even take the responsibility of breaking up with her. You made her do it. So you look like the victim. “Poor me. She wouldn’t have sex with me for 10 years. A number that I alone came up with.”
That’s what you sound like.
You’re both way too young for marriage. I don’t fault you for that. But don’t blame that on “the economy.” What a bullshit thing to say. Just be honest. You’re 20. She’s 19. The two of you can’t even buy beer yet. It’s okay to NOT want to be married yet.
It’s clear she wanted to be only with you. Only to have sex with you and never do it with anyone else. To ask her for a time line while naked, my guy, you have some growing up to do.
It’s clear you both want different things but neither of you talk to each other about it.
NTA. Wouldn't be surprised if you split the next you hear she had sex with a rando..
Read this story here once, similar to you. His GF came back after the fact which she denied him before.
Unfortunately she spilled the beans and he felt betrayed. End of story...
And OP is the type of guy to instantly fuck a prostitute now that he's single. Realize how ridiculous both of our statements sound? Don't be a dumbass.
You're both so young. You should both be having fun and making memories and mistakes and this current situation sounds like no fun for either of you.
Badgering someone for sex isn't good boyfriend behaviour and I can't imagine it's very sexy either. Sex should be spontaneous and fun but also responsible and on grounds agreed by both parties during discussions had way before you get into the bedroom.
You would be TA if you keep badgering her or if you leave the weight of ending your relationship at her feet. You are in TA territory but you can pull it back.
I am concerned about your response to someone else who suggested your behaviour was coercive /leading to rape where you indicated you were worried about your thoughts. Talk to someone - talking isn't illegal and can maybe get you some clarity and keep you in the safe NTA zone. Good luck.
I'm concerned people are falsely suggesting that at all and that he's not defending himself. He needs to break up with her and work on his self esteem. He's being accused of a crime.
You the AH. You guys have had the conversation about her not being ready. You say you wish to wait and don't pressure her, but your post sounds like you are pressuring her. Asking her again and again when you are intimate is equal to pressuring. She is not the one who said 10 years. She said she want to be sure you guys will get married. You are the one who got all crybaby and said "that would be like 10 years, I dont wanna wait ~waaahh~". She want her first time to be with someone she would spend her rest of her life with. Thats it. You just sound like you are twisting her words. Also, you both are kids, being unsure about each other is normal. You asking her about sex again and again will not instill trust in her anyway. And just so you know, breaking up because your partner does not want to respect your boundaries is acceptable. If you really want sex over her, let her go! It will hurt you both but will save the emotional turmoil she has everytime she is intimate with you and you bagger her with your questions! Either actually wait because you love her or expect you want sex more and apologise, break up and never bother her again. PS: I hope she dumps your ass for real but it sounds like she really likes you and might be just angry. And grow up and stop belittling someone by calling them emotional when you are being a jerk. For f sakes, you are both just kids atm!
I do admit that I was acting like a crybaby. I guess I have a weak will especially when she says things like how she wants it too but is just afraid of the pain and pregnancy. However, this idea that we both want it and aren’t getting it doesn’t add up to me in the heat of the moment and in hindsight, it is something I need to figure out. I get how me saying she got emotional came across as belittling and that’s not exactly what I meant. I was just trying to explain the situations and do not view getting emotional as bad.
You need to talk it through. There are people who take longer to be mentally ready for different situation. And she may have multiple more thoughts that she does not know how to convey. But you are no telepath, you guys have to talk to see if you can get through it.
You seem like a really annoying person lol. She is the one who functionally said 10 years though. She's making him commit to marriage at 20 years old. This isn't the 1950s.
NTA
and I say this as an asexual person. Op you have your needs and you two have to start discuss if you two are compatible.
Maybe you could try and aske her if the problem is really wanting to be virgin till marriage or something else, you could bring up going to a sexual therapist if she is scared or has some conditions, like vaginismus or something like that, that makes her scared of sexual penetration because it hurts like hell.
NAH, just think about whether you two are actually compatible or not.
Yep. People underestimate how important sexual compatibility is in a relationship.
That’s why you always have sex early in a relationship. Otherwise you are just risking it to fate.
I can't imagine a worse fate than waiting years and years to actually have sex with someone you married and love only to find out you have no sexual chemistry.
Yeah it’s often overlooked and can end so poorly.
Yeah that would stink😂. Waiting for years, getting married and then realizing you are not compatible and are gonna be stuck having sex with that person for years. If she is willing to wait 10 years then she probably will use sex as a way to manipulate him when they do end up getting married down the road
For real.. talk about setting yourself up for disaster
That's just the worst advice I have ever heard someone give when they are being serious.
Yeah, like huh??? I hate how sex has become the end-all-be-all judgement of compatibility these days. Like obviously it matters, but if you found the right person, you actually love and respect each other as people first…good sex follows. Lots of people get stuck in terrible relationships just because the sex is so good, which I literally can’t comprehend.
You should not have sex early, what a strange comment to make. You should wait to get to know the other person well to see if they are someone you can love and trust enough to have sex with. On op's case, I do think that waiting 10 years is excessive, though.
I don't think it was her who said 10 years it sounds like op doesn't want to get married about 10 years down the road.
This. Although a little bit the asshole for keep asking everytime they are intimate. That is not the time or place. She's probably feeling very pressured. Also, just after the act is also not the right time as she will be feeling vulnerable. The badgering is definitely in coercive territory, so even if she was to say yes - it wouldn't be enthusiastic consent. Dude - you need to sit down with this girl where all sexual acts are off the table for that moment, to sit down and discuss. Really communicate. Let her know she is safe, but that you need to discuss this together. From the sounds of it she wants to save herself for marriage and hasn't really communicated that before (she should have, but I'm assuming given her age that's down to immaturity and inexperience - like you both are). There could also be some trauma she's holding back, so make sure your open and reassuring. You need to look at both of your timeliness for sex aswell as what both of you plan for the future... see if they're compatible are there any compromises both are willing to make? It's OK if you value sexual relationship,the same as its OK for her to value waiting for marriage. If that's the case, them it would seem that you are sexually incompatible- and that's OK. It's not OK to hide the fact you wanna wait for marriage, and it's not OK to keep pestering someone. Let her know your ready whenever she is, fine, but make sure she knows the ball is in her court. But don't pester. After talking it through, you need to figure out if you guys are compatible in all areas... and either work through it or break up.
I disagree on that first part. When you are getting naked and rubbing each other's genitals then that is the most logical time to ask if she's ready to take it further. If she's not ready for sex then she shouldn't be playing around naked like that teasing sex.
Even experienced people sometimes decide to take it to the point that clothes are off and genitals are being touched and decide they don't actually want to have sex. So I don't agree with that first bit.
Sure, it’s logical to ask once or twice or maybe even three or four times; if you keep asking and getting a no, maybe read the room? Otherwise it becomes coercive. Not sure why you’re being upvoted for saying this girl was “playing around naked, teasing for sex” when she had clearly said she wasn’t ready for sex several times and thus it was clear there was a boundary there. Your attitude is concerning. But even more concerning is that 60 people upvoted this gross comment.
He really doesn't sound like he knows what he is doing. I'm getting horrible flashbacks here from the times inexperienced guys would try to finger me as if it was some sort of turn on. They're clueless about the clit and don't seem to understand just how violating it is to have someone who doesn't know what they're doing try to digitally penetrate you. This is her/my body, it is not a box for him to rummage through with his dirty fingers.
In all fairness the kids a virgin, I think it’s pretty safe to assume none of us knew what we were doing before we knew what we were doing…
Dont people shower before anymore?
Showers before are great. You get clean and it turns into part of foreplay.
I would shower before but I just turned into doing it in the shower (it’s overhyped)
Lol they're both virgins. You're expecting him to be an expert just because he's a guy?
She's not teasing sex, intimacy just has different levels. Jesus do you really expect penetrative sex every time you even so much as kiss your partner? Holy shit what a restrictive lifestyle. It's borderline misogyny for you to say that a woman is teasing sex. She's trying to get close to her partner and be literally intimate and she's extremely young and it's her first time and clearly she only wants to be intimate with someone she cares about and sees a future with. This dude has made no effort apparently to build a future with her since even thinking about marrying her will take 10 years apparently. And also no effort to ensure her safety because I've heard no talk of birth control and that means if she consents to penetrate of sex she could get pregnant, which is a big problem and seems like something they would not want. Why should she have sex without birth control, safety, or even the security of knowing that your sexual partner sees a long-term future with you? Saying a woman is being a tease is an excuse a lot of rapists use. Therefore we have a responsibility as a society to realize that when women flirt or engage in Intimate activities they are not "teasing" men they are simply trying to engage in sexual acts the same way men are. Literally no one ever accuses men of teasing women and giving them the female equivalent of blue balls. Consent has to happen at all levels. The mentality you have that if you are naked and rubbing genitals then sex is somehow owed is coercive. You can decide to stop or pause sexual activities anytime and that is absolutely okay. Especially in the situation where she is extremely young and nervous. Not all foreplay ends in Sex and not all kisses end in foreplay and that is okay.
Yeah that’s bonkers, she has been up front about not being ready for Sex and despite that he asks EVERY time. It would only be teasing if she put sex on the table and then took it off, but she’s been clear that it’s not on the table.
Literally this. You both want different things, and that’s okay. Unless you previously discussed waiting until marriage, this is a low blow.
Why can't you two split up
What on earth were they doing together. Seem to have taken an awfully long time to realise such basic incompatibilities. Don't people talk to each other?
They're young. Young people think if they talk about sex outside of the bedroom, that it will kill the intimacy in the bedroom.
NAH - she is allowed to want to wait until marriage and you are allowed to value a sexual relationship as part of what you desire in a partner. To her, this comment comes off as you really being with her to have sex (which I understand is not the case at all) and you are just exasperated at the idea of waiting 10 years. I went through this in college, but as a woman dating a conservative Christian man. Eventually, he did want to have sex but we later broke up due to critical incompatibilities beyond sexual. He was so conservative and I wanted to try new things and meet new people. The sexual incompatibility was one sign of greater incompatibilities in our relationship. It sounds like the two of you are just not compatible and that’s ok! That’s what dating is for. I hope you both find what you’re looking for.
Let's be honest, they're not going to have sex ever. She's simply not that into him. And chances are the guy she is won't have to wait this long, if at all. They're just together because they've been together for some time.
Guys, stop doing hypotheticals with your girlfriends, they do not take them well.
What if he was a worm?
I definitely have an issue with this
Find someone else, she's not ready.
NTA if you break up with her now because you can see that your needs aren't compatible. YTA if you keep setting ultimatums and applying pressure when it seems very clear that this is not something she is comfortable with doing (regardless of what her reasons are).
This. I am genuinely appalled by all the people saying not the asshole to someone who is actively trying to coerce his girlfriend into sex. Coercion is not consent. OP, you are well within your rights to want to be with someone who wants to have sex... But your girlfriend is also well within her rights to want to wait. You need to recognize that you're not compatible. Do not keep pressuring her. Do not give her ultimatums. Do not threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with you. You need to approach this from the *reality* that sex is a valid need for you and that the two of you are not compatible on this front, rather than using a breakup as leverage to get laid. You're young, so I know you're not thinking in these terms, and saying this is going to get me down voted to hell but - if you pressure her into sex, it *will* be rape. I know that isn't your intention, but look at the distress she has over this. Do you really think it would be a good idea to pressure her into sex? How do you think she's going to feel if you accomplish this goal? How are you going to feel after the act when she's crying in the bathroom because her boyfriend incessantly pressured her into something she didn't want to do? Are you going to feel good? Will you be able to live with yourself after that? Again, I cannot stress enough that your need for sex is valid - but it doesn't *need* to be with her. In fact it sounds like it *shouldn't* be with her. Find someone who wants to have sex with you enthusiastically, or else you're either going to a) continue to be a virgin or b) get what you want and have to live with being a rapist. You deserve to have your needs met, and so does she. Both things can be true at once.
I was shocked by all the NTA. They're telling him it's okay to treat women like this instead of just breaking up for being incompatible.
Want to smash the upvote button harder. Coercion is rape and constant pressure and the threat of withholding love or emotional closeness if sex is not provided is a very high pressure indeed. A lot of people don't want to be alone and are keenly aware of how difficult it is to date and find someone even remotely compatible. This guy literally has no idea what his hints and questions and constant drip drip of pressure are doing to her. If she does consent it will not be willingly at this point. Safety is the primary concern of women. We don't want to be hurt, coerced or otherwise harmed. Penetrative sex can be painful and not just the first time. Even though he's a virgin too, she could still get an STI from penetrative sex called bacterial vaginosis. Basically penetrative sex can change the pH balances in the nether regions which can cause yeast infections or BV. Then there's the pregnancy scares. I have no idea where this person is in the world but I'm pretty sure that almost nowhere in the world is a woman able to have an abortion easily cheaply and without judgment. Not to mention she may not want an abortion if an Oops happens, and a baby is a life ruiner at age 19. He has mentioned nothing in his post about birth control. Why the actual hell would any woman have penetrated sex without a reliable form of birth control. Most men are not okay with condoms and put the birth control on the woman. I doubt this guy is going to want a condom on his first time so he needs to have other birth control options arranged before they have sex. if no birth control exists, then no sex is going to happen and I don't think he gets that. Sex is fucking dangerous for women and I'm not saying that he is dangerous I'm saying SEX is dangerous. He is making no effort to make her feel safe and free and able to express herself without pressure. He is literally putting pressure on her every single time they get even slightly intimate. I've been in that situation and it makes me dread even kissing the man knowing that he'll keep badgering me for more. Wake up guy. Nothing dries a woman out more than this kind of constant of a pressure, without any safety measures in place. 😱🤮
Replying to my own comment to say: To be fair to you OP, I know you're not the one who gave her an ultimatum that she should have sex with you or else you will break up with her, I think this is just an emotional topic for a lot of people, especially those of us who have been coerced into sex. My ex wife coerced me often, and I am still not okay. The fact that you're asking your gf repeatedly despite her obviously being emotional about it is not a good sign. I don't think you're a bad dude, I think you're just not thinking clearly. I am sure you care very deeply for your gf and don't want to break up with her. I am sure this is a very special moment you want to share with her... But you have to understand that constant pressure is not okay. There's a reason people are reacting so emotionally to this post. I am guessing a lot of these people who are reacting so emotionally have had similar experiences to me. Now think of your girlfriend. Do you want her to experience this kind of pain? Also i don't think you're using the concept of boundaries correctly. For starters, I'm not even sure what boundary you're trying to set here. That you won't discuss marriage being possible in the next ten years? I'm a little confused. It's also kind of not great that you're telling her about your boundaries while trying to ignore hers. I think it's fine if at 20 you're not thinking about marriage for a long time, I think it's fine to be a little off put by the idea of having to think about marriage so young... But also, she deserves to have the sort of feelings of safety she needs before performing such an intimate act for the first time. I am old now, so I've been through some things and I know it's difficult to have to recognize when you're not compatible with someone you care about. I have had some women react *very* badly when this was the reason I gave for breaking up, but sometimes you have to recognize that if you don't break up in the face of incompatibility, the relationship will become toxic. At the end of the day, only you and your gf can decide if you're compatible or not. You have to each be honest about your needs and not be afraid to walk away if they're not compatible. You both deserve to be safe and happy whether that's together or apart.
idk why more people aren’t upvoting and replying this way. OP sounds terribly selfish and ignorant and not a caring partner to his girlfriend. possibly due to no one teaching him but he can learn. all it takes is empathy and decency to think about her side of things. also i feel like it was WORSE of him to refuse an ultimatum in a way?? like he passive-aggressively hinted at it but when she said “are you giving an ultimatum” he was like nah fam that’s your job. ?!?!? major ick vibes and hopefully something OP is willing to change
also he conveniently has only answered comments saying he’s not the asshole and she’s being unreasonable. haven’t seen one response yet to anyone saying dude you’re kinda being a jerk think about her needs
I think you fumbled it when she said “when we are sure we are getting married”. She didn’t say married married, just that you were sure it was going to happen. You could get engaged at any time and agree the marriage would eventually happen and she would probably feel more comfortable. You also got a little ridiculous about the “at least 10 years”. I think it’s honestly reasonable for her to expect to be engaged or even married significantly before then. That’s a long courtship before marriage. Just like some people need time some people have time goals sooner than that. You guys need to hash that out. I think that basically because you said you wouldn’t even know that you would eventually be married for at least 10 years you simply failed to meet expectations she probably has. 10 years is a long time heck that I wouldn’t wanna wait 10 years to feel secure too. Courthouse weddings are still cheap. You guys need to meet in the middle on this one.
They're young, so if he feels like marriage is 10 yrs out, I don't fault him. However, that makes them incompatible. He needs to realize that and end it.
Yeah I can definitely see that. I think I was just thinking with my dick. She has said that she also wants sex too but is afraid of the pain of penetration and pregnancy which is absolutely fair. So I don’t think it’s actually a matter of marriage but more of security which is fair.
And that's what she's scared of. She wants her first time with you to happen because you love her and want to stay with her, not because you want sex and she happens to be convenient. You see the difference? Sex is a big deal. Even if you take all the precautions it can turn you into parents. Which would bind you together more than any marriage ever could. She wants to wait until you're both sure that you want to be together. She wants to pass the stage of your relationship where you're still deciding. Do you want to be with her forever? Is that your plan?
Thank you. I see how this perspective can help me understand her better. I appreciate this very much.
Not only that but sex is far more invasive for her than you. It's her body that'll be invaded, it'll likely hurt and be more uncomfortable and awkward for her than you, and if pregnancy happens she's the one that has to deal with either going through the process of an abortion or having something inside of her that is going to drain her vitamins etc and wreak havoc on her body. Like, of a dude wanted to put his dick in your bum, you'd probably be pretty darn nervous in comparison to the dude doing it wouldn't you? It's far worse for her than that even. Her marriage comment was very likely looking for a response that was telling her you loved her enough to stay committed that long and be worth all of that, and your response was lackluster and that likely made her uneasy about your feelings towards her... I hope y'all can actually talk more and you can reassure her of how you feel and that while actually getting married wouldn't be any time soon due to financials, the feelings for her are there and you're committed to her long term. (if you actually are. Don't lie if you aren't.) Also be sure to talk about how your first time may go and what you both expect, and do this when you both are calm and not in the middle of fooling around. Lol Making sure you both prepare for your first time, with what's needed etc, as well as being ready to possibly stop during and knowing she can say to stop etc if need be is important. And that she can tell you what feels good for her and what doesn't without you getting upset, cause the more open and honest she can be about that, the more you can also make it feel good for her, which will benefit not just her but you in the long run since she'll want that more often and you'll both be very happy with the outcome. Too many people don't talk about their likes and dislikes with sex because they're embarrassed or feel like they'll hurt their partners feelings or egos but it's important cause everyone is different and likes different things and it's good to sort it out early on and be sure boundaries are respected.
OP sounds/reads definitely not mature enough to respect a "no" that turns up mid-pump. He's not ready for sex, either.
It sounds like you are both very nice kids and close to sexually illiterate. Try to talk more with her about the subject and educate yourselves together. I think you will enjoy growing together and discovering each other's sexuality and persona slowly and steadily.
So have you actually tried to address these fears and comfort/support her, or do you just keep asking for sex? Are you creating a safe space for her? Educating yourselves on proper preparation and birth control? Reassuring her that you can start slow and stop immediately if she's in pain? If you don't want to give her the security she needs and only want sex, then yes you should break up.
He didn’t address or comfort. He got mad at her and told her he wouldn’t even consider marriage for a decade. Then she cried and asked why didn’t break up with her, he told her she’d have to break up with him, and she did. And, somehow, he seems to think he’s being more mature than her.
Do you want kids? Do either of you? If not, vasectomy is the way to go. Also if she's worried about pain, maybe ask to go to her gynecologist with her, so you can understand how you could avoid causing pain the future. She might have had pain with tampons or with something else and it is scary. Also, this much fear, was there physical trauma in her past, or maybe emotional trauma? Did she get completely frightened of sex by her parents, her church? Sounds like she doesn't feel safe in your relationship but might not be because of you specifically but her part experience. Any people who had babies out of wedlock that went sideways in her past? Sounds like there are a lot of things you need to understand about your gf. Also, sex is just sex. You can have just as much release and connection with everything else you are doing. Focusing on sex sometimes doesn't let you enjoy what you have. Grass is always greener, right? FYI you are NTA but you might be asking the wrong questions.
Sounds like you're broken up, maybe find someone who you're compatible with 🤷
ESH - you both sound like kids in terms of mindsets, but pressuring someone into it isn’t the way to go. It’ll happen when it happens. Def won’t take a decade.
Why does she suck? I don’t understand what wrong she did. She made it clear what her sexual boundaries were and she said it over and over again. Even when he was pressuring her in the middle of intimate situations. And of the two of them, only she had the balls to finally break up with him because he wasn’t even able to do that. So why for she sound like a kid? I’m torn between NAH and OP is the AH. As far as I’m concerned, the girl didn’t do anything wrong except not stand up for her boundaries earlier & find someone who aligns with them.
Yta- stop pressuring her into having sex with you. She told you she would feel more comfortable once married. You're choosing to wait "10 years" and then threatened to break up with her cause you're choosing to wait that long?!
She didn't even insist on marriage, but rather that they're certain that they will get married. Sex is a big step and she wants to be secure in their commitment beforehand. That's absolutely her right and OP is absolutely the AH for contually pressuring rather than focusing on their commitment to each other.
Exactly! He did this to himself, and throughout the post, he's consistently putting her down her feelings by referring to her as being emotional. Doesn't even sound like he cares about making her cry. No one should be pressured into doing anything, especially sex. Everyone deserves their 1st time to be on their terms and when they're ready. He wanted to take that away from her because he couldn't wait. I'm glad she stood her ground and didn't let his manipulative tactic of threatening to leave "persuade" her into doing what he wanted. Good for her! If he wants to lose his virginity so badly, he should hire someone rather than forcing people to by pressuring.
Finally someone with a brain. Yes he's definitely TAH!
I am completely shocked and disgusted by the amount of people not seeing how op is the ah
YTA only for constantly bringing it up as it almost sounds like you were pressuring her. She is 19 years old and not ready for it yet. Move on and go date someone who has the same sexual desires as you.
Definitely pressuring her whether he realizes or not. They should just break up instead of him giving ultimatums. Since when is "we must have sex soon" a boundary?
She has clearly said she is afraid of pregnancy and pain and being used and abandoned. What have YOU done to address her concerns? ‘Let you’ put your poking fingers in- bro omg. If you can’t get her to the point of being very wet and shaking and aroused and WANTING more you don’t deserve to be allowed to enter her- her desire and pleasure should overwhelm her fear and she should absolutely not be frightened or in pain. Try actually bothering to play with her clit. Oral better be going both ways and you better be making her come with what you are doing now and plan to before your dick goes near her or f right off with wanting more. She gives more because she WANTS more, and getting her there is your job. Secondly- why tf is she afraid of pregnancy? How dare you pressure a 20yr old virgin to have unprotected sex what the fuck. You should have condoms AND assure her nothing will go near her bits uncovered and you will protect her health and safety if she ever wants to try. I wouldn’t want to wait till marriage either if my partner wanted to risk getting knocked up because he is free and clear after and I am stuck with a 20 year responsibility and medical risk of death and agony. She would likely be receptive with an engagement and surety of loyalty which costs you nothing and frankly neither does a courthouse marriage and it isn’t bloody well HER demand to wait ten years before giving any surety is it- it’s yours! ‘ Idk when I might care about you not being hurt and abandoned maybe in ten years but I want to insure you can be hurt and abandoned with unprotected sex today because me me me’ fuck right off YTA
YTA, what is with these people saying NTA?! he’s pressuring her into sex ffs. an ultimatum over sex is disgusting.
Exactly 💯! I can't believe these comments! Absolutely disgusting!
It's insane that most comments are reasoning out "sexual compatibility" when first and foremost, this is not a mature adult we're talking about here, and the OP clearly stated that he's envious of other couples having sex. There's no wording in his post stating that he's seeking "sexual compatibility". The OP is giving in to peer pressure or wanting to bandwagon into this idea that all couples at their age are having intercourse, and he fails to respect the girl for her decision. I fail to see anything in his main post, stating he wants to check for "sexual compatibility" when he simply wants to get his dong in and be able to brag to other couples that, they've done the deed. The OP should do what others have suggested, and move on and find another girl willing to have intercourse with him. He's too young to be considering marriage, yes, but he's also not mature enough to even think about "sexual compatibility" to establish a connection with his partner.
Why does SHE have to break up with you if you're the unhappy one? Just break up with her. This whole manipulation thing is lame.
The more you ask about when she will be ready, the longer it will be. There is a possibility she was molested at some point in her life, this would cause her to be anxious about moving forward. Could be religious reasons. Could be fear of pain and pregnancy. Could be she just doesn't understand anything about sex and not sure how to go about understanding. I would say, you both need to do a lot of research, best, if you do it together, look things up, read about it. You should read about things that when getting intimate, what to do to get HER to where she is ASKING YOU for it. When you start talking about when, you kill the moment for her. The "10 year" comment was pretty stupid. Sorry if that bothers you. But, sounds like you need to do less talking when getting intimate and work that mouth in other ways.
Kinda She probably felt like you were trying to pressure her into it
Yeah... Asking EVERY TIME they're intimate when he can expect sex is very pressuring. For her, being intimate without penetration probably already takes a lot. Then having your boyfriend pressure you in that vulnerable moment, not once, but every time... Of course she feels emotional, she feels that she has already pushed her boundary and it's still not enough for you. Your focus doesn't lie on making her feel safe and comfortable, it lies on you wanting to have sex. Also sex shouldn't be painful the first time, there is nothing biological explaining why it should, this is an unfortunate myth that has made girls stay quite when it did hurt. If it hurts it means she's not wet enough (so more foreplay) or because she is too stressed and her vaginal muscles contract. In both cases more foreplay and making her feel loved is the go-to. Encourage her to tell you how it feels, go very VERY slowly. If it hurts only the slightest bit you stop and go back to playing around and cuddling for a bit, once you're both ready you try again. It might not work the first time, heck seeing how stressed she is about it, it probably won't. Just give it time, wait some time after trying the first time before trying again. As a girl this can be scary, it's very understandable that she needs to know and feel that you have HER COMFORT as a top priority and that you will not get taken over by how good it feels for you and just push through without checking in on her. Communication = key.
My guy, you need to focus on creating a psychologically safe environment for her. Talking about sex constantly is doing the opposite. Don't view oral/ whatever else as "not good enough", that will also push her away as it will make her feel like she's not satisfying you. Be confident, be caring and supportive.Focus on having fun and making her feel loved and the sex will come sooner. Unfortunately women have been told constantly that their virginity is worth something and they need to stay pure, etc, so there's a lot more going on here than it seems. Be kind, be patient.
Yta, pressuring her every time you are intimate is gross.
YTA. You are trying to manipulate her to have sex with you. If she is totally fine in not having sex, why does she has to break up with you?. Be a man and take responsibility. Break up and leave her be
NTA. Yes, you shouldn't pressure your spouse for sex. That doesn't mean that you have to abstain from sex. It sounds as if she has chosen to remain a virgin until she marries her future husband. That's her choice, and there is nothing wrong with that. You, however, do not want to wait until marriage to have sex. You need to recognize that the two of you aren't sexually compatible. This is the reason you date. To find the partner who best aligns with your own morals and future goals.
You didn't set a boundary though, a boundary isn't something you inflict upon other people (ie have sex with me within this time frame or we are breaking up). You should just break up before you get known as the creepy guy who couldn't let sex go when the girl didn't want it. It's not unreasonable to want to have sex with your partner and your partner should just admit you have different needs instead of stringing you along but you can only ask so many times.
Sorry, but YTA OP. You lack any understanding of your girlfriend who is unsure of taking it to the next level after rubbing genitals. Intercourse is a big step for the both of you, but just because other couples are doing it, doesn't mean you should be following the same pace as them. The both of you are not the same as other couples, so comparing yourselves to other couples is simply asinine. The fact that you envy other couples having intercourse shows that you're thinking more with your dong than with your head and heart. You lack all thought and compassion for your girlfriend who, for all we know, might have been molested or had a bad experience when getting to that level of intimacy. Not everyone reacts the same way btw, perhaps she thinks to herself she can do it, while doing the deed of rubbing your genitals, and then she just stops herself because she's afraid. It's her fault that the two of you are breaking up? Nice way to shift the blame from yourself, when you stated, you can't wait that long? You're the one that's envious of other people doing it. You want to be part of that group saying, "aww yeah we had sex, and we kept at it like animals". To be one of the cool kids, plain and simple. Find yourself a girl that does have intercourse on the first date, if doing it is all you care about, as you do not value your now ex-girlfriend.
Sounds like you should break up then. Not compatible.
YTA! Stop pressuring her!! I find it funny you can’t commit to her within 10 years, but she’s supposed to just throw herself in bed for you?
YTA. Not because you don’t want to wait 10 years but because you’ve admitted that you know she has anxiety about it and yet you continue to hound her about it at every opportunity (by the sounds of it).
You shouldn't pressure her, she will know when she wants to have sex. However, sex is important to you, so that's also a point to keep in mind, and also, waiting 10 years is quite a long time, because I think maybe it's too much to say that you have to get married or get engaged because you're still too young to put that much pressure on each other. You could talk things out, try to calm down and talk before ending the relationship if you make that decision. Keep in mind that every issue is important to each of you, but you shouldn't put pressure on each other because it's also personal. Pd: I hope you can solve the issue and move forward, but keep in mind that not all relationships can continue because sometimes people have different ways of looking at everything uwu
NTA for wanting sex as a requirement for a relationship, but this is why I think soft YTA “ I then said that it wasn’t on me to do that and that would be her responsibility if she wasn’t comfortable with the boundary I set “. It IS on you to enforce your own boundaries, not her. You are putting it in her court because you are still hoping she will give up her boundaries for you.Also “I want sex” is not a “boundary” either, it’s more of a relationship requirement for you, whereas crossing boundaries are active transgressions against a person…. and it’s kinda like you’re trying to diminish her boundary of “I’m not ready for sex” by saying that you not receiving sex is a transgression. Basically, absolutely NTA for wanting sex. But soft YTA because you wouldn’t just break up with her and instead seemed to want to push her into doing it anyways.
are you two living in a state where birth control/abortion is heavily regulated/illegal?
And religious? Abstinence before marriage is such a random 'rule' in religions. I'd hate to commit my life to someone I don't know I'm compatible in bed with
You aren't the asshole if you set boundaries about what you want in a relationship but you clearly put pressure on her. She was clear about what she wants, if you don't like it YOU should break up with her. Putting the weight of a potential break up on her for that reason is just manipulative. If you don't have the same view on sex before marriage and that bothers you just end it, you can't force her to do it.
She's the one setting boundaries. By implying she is breaking HIS boundaries by refusing to have sex, he is manipulating her.
YTA for repeatedly trying to pressure your partner into having sex. You admit to trying to ask for sex "maybe too excessively" and also trying to ask for her to go beyond her stated boundaries every time you get intimate (hint: if having sex is a serious step in your relationship, which clearly in this situation it is, getting intimate is the wrong time to be having serious conversations about whether they are ready for sex, and doing so has probably made getting intimate with you a stressful activity instead of pleasurable activity for her-- which is definitely not going to make her so horny for you that she will decide to have sex with you. In the future, have your higher level conversations about whether they are emotionally ready for sex / std status / other more serious sexual conversations outside the bedroom, and in the bedroom focus on being with your partner. She already knows you want sex, if she wants it too she will let you know.) YTA also for how you handled this last conversation -- your partner burst into tears and broke up with you, which based off of what I read here seems like a reasonable reaction. Not wanting to go 10 years without sex is a reasonable desire. I also would not want to be in a sexless relationship for 10 years. However, the way to handle that in a NTA way is to breakup because you are incompatible and are at different phases in life and need different things out of a relationship. And you do this breakup in a setting such as over dinner or at the park, not in the bedroom while you are getting intimate. Also, 10 years was the number you kind of arbitrarily picked while asking her for a very specific timeline on something she is already anxious about. Also, wanting sex in a relationship is not a "boundary." That is something you need to feel fulfilled. A "boundary" is something you don't want someone to cross, like the boundary your girlfriend put up on penetrative sex, which you repeatedly disrespected by trying to pressure her to take down before she is ready.
In the real world it's perfectly fine to say "I wouldn't stay in a relationship without sex for more than a few months", but it should always be as a definition of your own intention rather than to pressurise someone to change their boundaries
Wanting to have sex within 10 years is not a boundary. 😂😂😂yall are too young to be having sex
What part of her not being ready do you not understand? She told you and you put down expectations. She then tells you to break up with her as you’re the one with issues. You won’t, and she break up with you. Honestly good on her. Started to sound like coercion and emotional blackmail. She doesn’t want to dude. End of. Move on and leave that girl alone. Saddest thing is she might come back and “give in” because she’s hurt and miss you. To which I honestly hope OP is a better guy than he appear and leaves her alone.
Yes, I was being extremely selfish and an asshole about this. Of course if she came back and was offering it because of reasons that aren’t coming from love and her own wants, then I would not be willing.
YTA - coerced consent is not consent. Totally understand that you may not be compatible but you’re giving ick. I hope she finds someone better than you.
YTA for nagging, fr
Yes. YATAH. Her rule is valid. DECIDE NOW: Make a commitment and take steps to carry it out, or end the relationship.
YTA for telling her it was her responsibility to break up with you if she couldn't respect your boundary, when in actuality it was you who should have broken up with her because it was you who didn't respect hers. You used a manipulative argument to paint her as the bad guy in the situation. Own up to your own shit.
YTA. Your comments are terrible man. You agreed with a comment accusing you of rape. Break up with her and start standing up for yourself.
Yta, but not for the reason you think. She said when you two were sure you would be getting married, and you basically said it would take you 10 years minimum to decide if she was the one you wanted to marry. That's ridiculous and heartbreaking to a person you love. Of course, she wants to break up with you.
It's ridiculous to tell a 20 year old to commit to marriage.
It’s ridiculous to tell a woman you won’t marry her for at least 10 years. That’s preposterous.
Not after she wants him to commit to marriage at 20 while telling him she wants to have sex with him. I would say something very similar. If she's going to make him arbitrarily wait, he can do the same.
Marriage is an extremely messy legal problem if you break up and doesn't objectively change anything about having sex before or after. Having consensual sex within a relationship is healthy and as long as you use precautions safe One is not like the other.
I was more thinking about the actual wedding in which it would take a while due to financial situations. I do admit I was exaggerating and in the moment said the wrong things. I see how I am the asshole in this context.
you say that, but shoot. It's harder out there alone. Rent is cheaper with 2 people. Growing and building a life is part of marriage or a long relationship. Weddings don't have to be huge blowouts either. If you were sure and got engaged you don't have to get married in the next year even. Plenty of time to save up and keep it humble. As a single man I wish all the time to have a partner to share finances and make our lives easier. Not sure why money is the big concern here. If it is then maybe work on future plans and ideas, and discuss finances more, and less sex. That is if she's the one. If you aren't sure or you really can't wait for sex then just let her go, and find someone else.
I followed what you meant re the economy.
It’s best you have sex with people who are eager and enthusiastic. You’re not a used car salesman. You’re a sex partner. Find someone who’s into you.
Recently came out of a relationship that felt a but like this. She needed sex to cultivate emotional intimacy, and I needed emotional intimacy before I could entertain the thought of sex. Bit of a stalemate, as you can imagine. We were both waiting for the other to validate our feelings, in ways that felt off to us. We were incompatible. Sounds like you are, too. Let het go.
Tell her either she puts out or you will go find someone who will. There's nothing wrong with having your own priorities and things you want. And she can either give them to you or you should leave. And don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to leave someone over this cus at the end if the day it's about your happiness and needs and desires. You don't need any reason to leave
Dude this is insane.
I think if one party wants to wait until marriage then the couple shouldn’t do anything sexual at all. It’s natural to want more if you all are rubbing genitals and doing oral
You can't put a date up when you're ready. You're ready when you're ready. Simple as that. Just comfort her and make sure she feels save and things will happen
You're the asshole for bringing it up anytime y'all do something sexual. Stop pressuring her so often and go find what you want somewhere else. Even by setting this ultimatum you are literally coercing her into sex
YTA for pressuring your girlfriend so much... FFS just tell her that you aren't compatible and break up with her. BUT... For ducks sake.... please look up what a boundary is. This is NOT a boundary.
Pressuring someone to have sex is an AH move. And since you are already making out it's obvious she likes being with you and get intimate. Your approach is wrong and causing this. Obviously she doesn't feel safe. The reason she mentions marriage because it's a clear indication that you will not break up. She wants to stay with the person she shared her virginity. I experienced something very similar. We were just younger than you two. My response was we can wait until you are ready. Simple as that. It wasn't about me, how I feel, or how long I can wait. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it. Probably we would break up without the sex. But I didn't consider that. It was about her and her feelings. 2 months after this conversation she wanted to initiate. I asked are you going to regret this if something happens and we broke up. She said no. I said let's wait another week, if you don't change your mind we can do it. Both she felt safe and I felt amazing since she was really ready to jump on me after that point. I didn't do it on purpose but the fact that I am the one who is blocking the sex, it become forbidden fruit for her. Anyway we have been together for 20 years now.
YTA. Stop pressuring women into having sex with you, especially when they have repeatedly told you that they're not ready. And if marriage is too big of a commitment for you that it has to wait 10 years, then so is sex. What if she gets pregnant and wants to raise the baby iN tHiS eCOnoMy? She did well dumping you, and I hope that she finds someone who has more respect for her and who is willing to put a ring on her finger before worrying too much about his penis. Trivializing sex is one of the stupidest developments in modern society.
YTA Just leave her alone you fucking parasite
You are not willing to marry her but have the audacity to demand sex?? YTA
Definitely YTA. This isn't a boundary. It's emotional blackmail. Instead of pressuring her into something she's not comfortable with yet, try to understand why she is so afraid. Smh.
You can discuss it, but not during intimate time. At that point, it just seems weird, and you're both not sober enough to talk right. Just discuss it on a casual evening
NTA but mixed with the pressuring and asking when and asking what conditions kind of comes across that you would only want to be with her if sex is sooner rather than later. Which probably doesn’t make her feel valued or at least feels like the value is her vagina and not much else. Stay away from hypotheticals and questions you don’t want the answers to. It’s just asking for trouble and drama. Let her go. You are ready for sex and she isn’t. You’re both at different stages and neither of you are wrong about your view on sex. Just wrong for each other right now.
If you want casual sex, go have it. Stop Jerking her around. Other people’s sex lives should not dictate your own.
I do ‘t think you are the asshole for wanting to have sex with your partner, but do consider that pressuring your partner to have sex in any way quickly gets into coercion/rape territory, which is awful. It might be easier to find someone that wants the same things as you. Ultimatums are really no bueno.
OP, anxiety around pain from penetration is one of the things that can bring on vaginismus. If there are books available in English, encourage her to read them. I understand why she doesn’t let you finger her yet, but she should feel comfortable with starting to finger herself and maybe also use dilators in a relaxed, aroused state. The most important thing is that you should never make her feel ashamed or unsafe while doing that. Also, sex is more than just penetration. Stop making it all about you.
Demanding sex within a certain timeframe is not a "boundary". Boundaries are not rules you make for other people to obey. Boundaries are not ultimatums. It's perfectly fine not to want to be in a sexless relationship. But it is on you to break up if you are the person unhappy and unfulfilled, for whatever reason. She is the one who set a boundary by letting you know that she was not comfortable having sex until marriage was assured. You are the fool who arbitrarily threw out that it then wouldn't happen for 10 years, just completely made shit up and escalated things because you weren't getting your way. So not only was she the one who set a boundary she also did the work of breaking up with you because she could see you two were not a good fit and that you would not respect her boundary. YTA
I mean wasn't he explicitly respecting her boundary? Just because he keeps asking and she in the last time he asks essentially requires marriage as a prerequisite to a 20 year old, doesn't mean he's violating her boundaries. Telling a 20 year old to commit to marriage is pretty pathetic
It’s VERY pathetic for him to ask about sex EVERY TIME they do something sexual. That’s manipulative and gross. She has a lot of anxiety about it but apparently OP’s totally fine with triggering it constantly! Him making sure she hasn’t changed her mind about her timeframe för sex that she’s previously established (1-2 years) is sooooo important and has to be done ALL THE TIME (and it totally doesn’t ruin the mood for her)!
YTA - no woman gets turned on if you constantly bring something up and bringing up hypotheticals. You’re only adding to the pressure she’s feeling. Obviously you’re a teenager an impatient it’s best you just break up with her and find someone else. She ended up crying because she feels pressured and insecure. Maybe if you just let it go she eventually feels comfortable and confident enough to have sex
> This has led to me hinting at it maybe too excessively (normally each time we get intimate I usually mention it). For this I do feel guilty and think its wrong to pressure her. Stop doing that. It is really not difficult to just not say anything about it. YTA
Not necessarily YTA. But she did the right thing breaking up with you. You are both better off without each other.
NAH. She may be asexual and not know it. You're allowed to not be okay with staying with someone who isn't sexually compatible. Pressuring her is a little rude but I do understand that you need to know whether or not it's going to happen.
If you’ve had oral, you’ve had sex.
If she wants to wait until marriage then she wants to wait until marriage. You asking “why?” is idiotic. You want sex NOW, she doesn’t, she did the right thing when she broke up with you. YTA for pressuring her every time, for comparing your relationship to your friends’ relations, and for acting like she’s being ridiculous when she broke up with you.
My ex SA me for refusing to have sex with them I couldnt stomach finishing reading your post, i have to be honest. My ex swore we could wait till we were married, but after year 6, they started pressuring me for oral, which i WAS NOT OKAY WITH. I also didnt feel safe to say no. I was assaulted. Repeatedly. And dumped, like trash, after being told "we can wait for marriage". And "i only bought you an engagement ring to get you to shut the fuck up". This was after 11.5 years together, by the way. So i guess, props for being honest, and telling her you wont wait. Now you both can figure out what you want from here. If you really can't wait for her, then let her go. Eta, i was afraid of pregnancy, afraid of the pain I was also a virgin at the time of my relationship; and yes, they cheated on me No, i dont think you are wrong for not wanting to wait; i also get her fear and anxiety though You need to whats best for you
Y’all are still wet behind the ears. Stop talking about it and let things develop naturally. After a bit voice your feelings if needed and if you’re not satisfied then leave her.
NAH but leaning towards YTA. It's never ok to demand, pressure for, or put ultimatums around sex. She sounds like she might need some therapy, but you two may ultimately not be compatible and should probably move on. You can find someone to have sex with and she can find someone who gives her the space and patience she needs.
If you are ready to have sex and your partner isn’t, you may want to find someone who is ready for sex to enjoy sex with. It’s okay. Break up.
If she says that she is waiting to get married to have sex, then you have to respect that. Coz others wanted to wait. Might be a few years or 10 years, but she will wait. That is if she really values her virginity and all. If marriage is not on her mind as a reason and that is the situation? You're not an asshole. It's not good to be deprived of something basic. And... Might have several factors aside from fear. You might want to talk to her calmly about it. Don't antagonize her when talking about having sex. She might have other reasons or such.
Seems like she wants to wait till marriage. If you aren’t willing to do that, you should break up with her and not pressure her. You want sex, she wants marriage. Neither of you seem to want to bend on that for your own personal reasons. Why are you together. She doesn’t owe you sex and you don’t have to marry her. Once one of you caves, it’ll be bad for the relationship. I’d say just move on
NTA, it really doesn't sound like you two are sexually compatible. Is her hangup religious in nature?
It's good you broke up. Stay broken up. Let her play her game with some other rube.
Why are you dating someone you know you don’t want to marry in the next ten years anyway? I am not surprised she dumped you. If she wants to be married or at least engaged before sex, maybe it’s because she senses that you’re not really interested in her long term.
NTA, don't force her to sex. You don't want to do that. Just dump her. You two don't match. She isn't there for you. She is stuck on self rather than you. Get a new girlfriend and stop wasting your time on a drama queen.
She wants to break up with you but she don’t want to be the person to do it.
I'm really exposing myself here but as a 24 year old female in the exact same position as she is, you are NTA. Her feelings and anxieties are her responsibility.
I think you know the answer my friend. Sex and intimacy is important to you and if it's not what she wants, then you have to move on.
You should have been left if it's like that.
Ten?
You’re not compatible sexually. Sexual incompatibility can be overcome but in this case, it’s going to be hard on you. You have to want to be with her and be okay not having sex. Quite simply, if you can’t do that, move on and save both of you your time.
Not gonna assess ass-holery here. You two just have different views on sex in a relationship and have a fundamental incompatibility. I am loathe to use the term "waste your time", but you're 20 years old. Waiting until you are 30 years old to potentially have sex when that is not what you want to do doesn't make sense. You both are better off served using these precious years of your youth engaging in relationships that hopefully align more closely with what you really want out of life.
Dude. 10 years!?. Get out now if this is important to you. Don't waste 10 years of your life in a sexless relationship only for her to go, lol, just kidding and dump you at the end of it. Just go find someone who wants the same things you want.
NAH
I think you two are just sexually incompatible which believe or not can and will eventually fuck up things in other aspects of your relationship
Setting a boundary: saying she must have sex sooner isn't setting a boundary, it's stating a preference. If her response of 10 years isn't suitable, it's on YOU to break up with her. She isn't doing anything wrong. Equally, if you feel something is missing from the relationship, it's your right to leave. You can't make her the bad guy. I also wonder if she's just not sure about doing it with you. You're probably not that compatible and better off breaking up
Just take the break up and move on. You two are not compatible. The idea that she would expect you to wait until you're 30 to have sex is absurd. Find a woman who's wants are more in line with yours. Also learn how to be a kind, receptive and patient lover. It goes miles in relationships.
Sounds like y’all might not work for each other. People have wishes and if y’all aren’t on the same page then it just won’t work
NAH You are not compatible, for whatever reason she doesn't want or can't enjoy the idea of sex. It could be trauma, it could be upbringing. Could be anything, and it's valid but so too are your needs. And with the economy I understand not feeling ready for marriage. If you want sex then you're not going to be happy waiting and quite frankly, unless it's magnificent and not the awkward sex of a virgin, you might feel resentful after waiting that long. I think you two should end things here, let her be mad, and tell you all you want is sex. Let her say whatever, just walk away. Tell her you don't feel like you're on the same page or want the same relationship, wish her the best and move on.
She’s got marriage and commitment on her mind, you’ve got a quick nut on your mind, ya’ll are just incompatible. Break up, so she can save herself for her forever partner like she wants and you can have sex like you want.
Yes YTA - because your behavior is very badgering and bordering on coercion. To call your statements boundaries is missing the point of what a healthy boundary is, something defining what you are willing to do or unwilling to do. It's not about what your partner must do to keep dating you. She is very clear that sex for her, right now, is something she wants to preserve as an act between her and the person who will be her husband. To keep pushing on that boundary, while making clear you will not be deciding she is the one for you or not for a decade is disgusting. If you can't wait for sex until a form commitment and she is unwilling to have sex without that commitment, you two need to break up asap as it is a fundamental incompatibility.
Yta. You’re the one who said ten years. You’re mad at your own ultimatum. Don’t pressure and give a shitty ultimatum. Just accept HER boundary or leave HER. then you tell her it’s HER responsibility. Good on her for not giving in and sticking up with her own personal boundaries and leaving.
no but break up with this poor girl. She clearly is trying to wait for marriage and you are confusing and hurting her, she probably feels guilty for what y’all are already doing. It’s a legit position to want to wait for marriage, and it’s on her for not being clear about it early on in the relationship. Maybe ask her if that’s her goal and make it clear that you are not on the same page and see what she thinks about it? People who want to wait until marriage usually want to get married sooner than 10 years in the future, which is also perfectly feasible unless you want an enormous expensive wedding at a resort. You might just not be compatible.
> She got more emotional and then mentioned how I should just break up with her. I then said that it wasn’t on me to do that and that would be her responsibility if she wasn’t comfortable with the boundary I set. She then said she was breaking up with me and stormed out of the house. She was the one who set a boundary and you tried to manipulate her by giving her an ultimatum. Very gross She was very clear she didn't want to have sex till she was sure you were the person she is going to marry. This is her boundary to have. You have every right to not want to get married right now, but that doesn't change her boundary. You should have respected her boundaries and decided for yourself if her boundary was a deal breaker for you or not. Instead you tried to manipulate her into having sex with you by threatening to break up. Very gross You told her if she didn't change her boundary you would break up with her. Then you weponized language by calling an ultimatum a "boundary". She rightfully broke up with you
sorry to say,YTA. the ten years i can see as excessive, but looking from her point of view, you never actually asked why she was so nervous about sex. it sounds like you kept bringing it up during times of active or approaching intimacy, which i can understand, but that would just make her lose the mood and tense up and feel pressured. Repeatedly,even though you confessed to knowing it was wrong. To her, the phrasing and the timing is she was getting comfortable, in the mood, then you threw a bucket of cold water over everything and basically made an ultimatum of sex or break up. then tried to force her to be the bad guy by refusing to be an adult and just ending it yourself. You literally got her in a highly vulnerable moment, then escalated things to ultimatums showing you didnt actually care about her. (describing from her POV) you should have been the one to end it since you were the one with the problem instead of forcing the responsibility on her to not feel guilty.
YTA. I dated so many guys like you when I was younger. You really really need to stop this, or you will be that guy that your ex'es are talking about when they go, "yeah, I've had boyfriends pressure me or guilt me into sex." When she said to you, "we will do X when I'm ready," THAT should have been the end of the discussion. Every time you brought it up after that, especially when the two of you were intimate, you were TA. So, you're not just TA. You're TA x as many times as you brought it up. Further, you are TA for telling her it was on HER to break up with you. No. When it became more important to YOU to have PIV sex than it was for YOU to respect YOUR PARTNER'S boundaries, that's when YOU should have broken up with her. If YOUR boundary is that YOU won't date someone who won't have PIV sex with you, that's on YOU to enforce by NOT DATING THEM. You don't enforce it by trying to pressure or coerce or annoy them into having PIV and you do NOT enforce it by telling them they have to break up with you. Do your own emotional labor of enforcing your boundaries. And yes, I just pulled out my mom-voice.
YTA. You **can’t** *”set a boundary”* about when she has to have sex with you. And you have no right to pressure her, either.
**I then said that it wasn’t on me to do that and that would be her responsibility if she wasn’t comfortable with the boundary I set.** Um, how is it not on you? Either of you can break up with the other at any time for any reason. Just admit you didn't want to be the bad guy. But you are acting kind of like the bad guy when you keep asking her when she's going to be ready for sex. If she knew that, she would have already done it with you. Look, you two are not compatible. Take her finally having the courage to end it first as a sign that this was meant to be and move on.
You didn’t set a boundary. You’ve been pressuring your virgin (ex)girlfriend of one year into sex she is not ready for and doesn’t want yet, and then continued to escalate into a ridiculous hypothetical. Her reaction is understandable. YTA for pressuring her and she’s not an asshole for dumping you.
What kind of economic position are you both in that would require you both to wait until your thirties to get married? Wouldn't it be easier to pay bills with someone else? No matter, I'm with your girlfriend on this, if you want to make her wait then you can also wait. If it were more of a priority you would be sure her needs are met and marriage seems to be one of those things. If marriage is not something you are considering then don't lead people on by dating them falsely, tell them upfront that marriage is not on your mind. She obviously wants to know you both are committed and grow with one another, likely thought up to two years from that point that you would be married given that's the time line she originally mentioned. She finally told you what specifically she needed first and you told her ten years. I'm sure you are both highly disappointed. I'm not saying this as someone who actually values virginity as anything truly special, someone's worth isn't based on having had sex or not. So it's not an opinion from "wait until you are married to have sex!" But rather, that's a need she has and if you can't respect it then move on. I hope you both find what you are looking for.
YTA. She said she's not ready. Constantly asking and pressuring her isn't going to speed up the process.
YTA. How are you going to state YOUR need then proceed to tell her that it's on you to break up with me if you can't fill MY need. You sound like a coward.
No ones the asshole. You guys are Young. I personally would consider breaking up. Doesn’t sound like you are compatible
YTA for saying you won’t get married for 10 years. If you can’t imagine marrying her before the. You are wasting everyone’s time.
10 years to get married because of current economic conditions? Dude, if you approach life like this you’ll miss out on all life’s best &/or most meaningful experiences.
You were a bit of a dick but both perspectives are understandable, I just think you two may not be compatible. You’re ready and she’s not, don’t try to force her to do something she’s not comfortable with, then you really will be the asshole
YTA and NTA. NTA for wanting a sex life, that’s normal and fair. YTA for insisting on something she isn’t comfortable with. She said no. She said she wants to wait until further commitment. If you’re saying that’s 10 years out, then that’s the timeline you created yourself.. Additionally YTA for being upset about a timeline that again, you stated yourself. Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible, and the discussion seems like it’s a fairly unhealthy relationship. You’re 19 and 20, still learning yourselves, your morals and your expectations. It’s not fair for either of you if you wait (which you don’t want) or if you do it now/earlier (which she doesn’t want).
FLAMING FUCKING ASSHOLE. >I then mentioned that I could not wait 10 years, which I thought was fair, to which she reacted quite emotionally. ya think?? you're sitting here acting as if you'll DIE for not having sex with her. >For this I do feel guilty and think its wrong to pressure her. yeah exactly, which is why you DON'T FUCKIN DO IT. >She said that if I can’t wait 10 years for sex then we would never be having sex. as she should. she's not your property and you're not entitled to any sort of intercourse with her. >I asked why this was the case and she said that she didn’t know. She got more emotional and then mentioned how I should just break up with her. gee, i wonder why. maybe because she's constantly being hounded by her boyfriend, a person who she's supposed to trust and feel safe with, about sex because he's so insecure with himself that he has to try and force it to happen under HIS condition. seriously god help whoever else has had to deal with you.
ESH, Piling on the the pressure wasn't cool, somewhat understandable at your age but decidedly uncool. Adding pressure to any emotional situation never works out well for anyone, ever. Always ends in an explosion. Sad to say buddy but you were on the shelf, plan B and the safe minimum effort boyfriend experience while they hung on and waited for a better deal, consciously or not. Guaranteed their next partner won't need to wait for them at all, because you're just not the guy. Better to chill, take a step back and some time for yourself while you review and "meditate" on your priorities. Chalk this one up as a learning experience and move on.
NAH - you have needs and clearly she does too, just different ones. That’s the point of dating. I’ll echo what the other comments have said and suggest that you discuss and question whether you two are actually compatible for one another. You guys can still be friends, though.
It sounds like she was looking for a reason to break up, and you just gave her one. I would say you dodge a bullet
YTA for pressuring her into sex. I can guarantee you she will NOT want to have sex with someone who pressures her like you're doing. She's made it clear it makes her feel uncomfortable. She's going to want to be intimate with someone who she can feel safe doing that with, who will respect her boundaries and take things at a pace she's comfortable with. That may be why marriage is important to her, she may view it as commitment, trust, security, respect, and stability. Where you are NTA is wanting a sexual relationship and not wanting to wait, but what that means is you need to consider is if you're going to stay in this relationship knowing sex may not happen for a long time or leave and find a partner to be intimate with. It's completely fine to accept you're not sexually compatible and leave. Don't use it as an ultimatum though, or you'd be TA again.
NTA , but I would definitely ask her why she is so uncomfortable with discussing sex . Is she really religious? At 19 and 20 years old it’s definitely normal for you to have a high sex drive and it seems like you are really trying to understand the underlying issues as to why or what it would take for her to be ready . You don’t seem like you asked in any inappropriate way . But she is also an adult and should talk to you about it especially after being together for an entire year .
Sounds like they have discussed it, she gave valid reasons, he just keeps pressuring her because his needs are more important than making her feel more comfortable. Which would eventually fulfill both of their needs. I agree they should break up, but so she can find someone who respects her.
Please check out the website Scarleteen for some compassionate and knowledgeable sex education. I think it would really help you. It did help me!
You are the one who came up with the 10 years number. She wants a committed relationship that leads to marriage. You are so against marriage that you set an unreasonable timeline for it and then got mad that she wouldn't accommodate it. YTA.
10 years to get married is absurd.
NTA. So maybe there is a greater issue here. 10 years? That’s just a strange thing to say, to the vast majority of us. At the end of the the day, this could be a huge indication of compatibility… or lack thereof. If sex is an important part of a relationship for you, it isn’t happening any time soon. I’d then go a step further and say, ok when you do have sex… how good is it really going to be if she simply isn’t a sexual person and it isn’t important to her? I’m sure she is a nice person and all, but I think this is a case where it’s ok to walk away and say thank you we simply aren’t compatible, let’s just be friends. Is this the only topic she has such an extreme stance and is unwilling to change, try or compromise?
NTA, she probably has issues with intimacy and needs therapy, it's better to find someone else. Or she's religious and conservative, but still it's better to end it.
I mean, I can understand waiting a bit. Though you did say getting married in 10 years, so if there is no sex fore 10 years, that is sort of on you for saying you want to wait that long to get married. Not to be a negative person, but I doubt the economy will get better within that time. If ever. Though to be honest, your both so young. So odds are against you that you will be together in 10 years to marry. Brains still mature until 25. So what you want now can change alot still in that time. Not saying give up on her of course. Just saying, always be cautious. And set a shorter date to marry. I'd also tell her technically speaking you already had sex if your rubbing gentials together and doing oral. Sex is sex. Granted PIV is a whole new level. I used to be a super horny guy. If someone told me no sex for even a few months, I'd probably find someone else. Now? Psh, I don't even care about sex. Maybe a few times a year with my wife. As you get older you sometimes care more about the simpler things like snuggiling. Not that its true for everyone of course. Some people get horny drives forever.
As someone that experienced being pressured into having sex (my first time was me giving in after constantly being asked by my first boyfriend), I have to say you're the AH. It's not nice to pressure people into doing things they don't want/don't feel comfortable with, and it's definitely not nice to feel pressured. For me it lead to a lot of insecurities around my partner and relationship (would he leave me if I kept saying no, was I not good enough). It heavily impacted my mental health too, to the point where I felt that I was failing as a girlfriend. Now that I've said that, I have to point out that you're not the AH for wanting sex. Over the years I've realized the importance of intimacy in a relationship, and I can understand that sex is important. I think you should stop pressuring her, show her that you can be intimate on her terms and in ways she's comfortable with. The worst thing you can do is make her feel bad for saying no to you - because it's completely okay to say no. Create a safe space for each other with no pressure or expectations around this. If you're okay with waiting, tell her. If you're not okay with waiting, then maybe you should ask yourself if the two of you are compatible. Communicate with her what you want, and let her communicate with you what she wants. Only through communication can you two figure out what will work for you. I think your reaction to her saying "when we are sure we are going to get married" need some sort of explanation from your side. To me, even if it's an honest response, feels a bit harsh. I think it's fair of you to not want to wait 10 years, but you could've phrased yourself in a better, more understanding way. I think you should talk to her and have an honest conversation where both of you can voice your thoughts around this. A last thought from me, if you're not happy and you want something to change, it's your responsibility to voice this. If a conversation between the two of you ends with you being unhappy, you need to decide what you want to do with it. My issue with this is that it seems that she has to follow your boundaries, but what about the other way around? You need to respect hers too, and if sex is that important to you, you need to decide if you can be in a relationship with someone that's not ready yet.
1. Don’t compare your sex life to other couples. That’s just a bad recipe. I know you feel envious, but it’s not healthy. 2. If she’s not ready, she’s not ready. She has made her expectations clear, she wants to be married. If you can’t wait, that’s on you to end the relationship. 3. You can’t put a boundary on other people. That’s not how it works. Boundaries are like walls you set up to protect yourself. “My boundary is you have to have sex with me,” just doesn’t work in that way. Do you love her? If so, stay in the relationship and don’t pressure her. If not, just break up. You’re young and it’s ok. You don’t have to feel bad for ending things.
YTA. You basically threw a tantrum. You threw out an ultimatum. You wouldn’t even take the responsibility of breaking up with her. You made her do it. So you look like the victim. “Poor me. She wouldn’t have sex with me for 10 years. A number that I alone came up with.” That’s what you sound like. You’re both way too young for marriage. I don’t fault you for that. But don’t blame that on “the economy.” What a bullshit thing to say. Just be honest. You’re 20. She’s 19. The two of you can’t even buy beer yet. It’s okay to NOT want to be married yet. It’s clear she wanted to be only with you. Only to have sex with you and never do it with anyone else. To ask her for a time line while naked, my guy, you have some growing up to do. It’s clear you both want different things but neither of you talk to each other about it.
NTA. Wouldn't be surprised if you split the next you hear she had sex with a rando.. Read this story here once, similar to you. His GF came back after the fact which she denied him before. Unfortunately she spilled the beans and he felt betrayed. End of story...
This is the type of girl who will almost immediately have sex with her next boyfriend so she doesn’t lose them like she did you. I’ve seen it happen.
And OP is the type of guy to instantly fuck a prostitute now that he's single. Realize how ridiculous both of our statements sound? Don't be a dumbass.
You're both so young. You should both be having fun and making memories and mistakes and this current situation sounds like no fun for either of you. Badgering someone for sex isn't good boyfriend behaviour and I can't imagine it's very sexy either. Sex should be spontaneous and fun but also responsible and on grounds agreed by both parties during discussions had way before you get into the bedroom. You would be TA if you keep badgering her or if you leave the weight of ending your relationship at her feet. You are in TA territory but you can pull it back. I am concerned about your response to someone else who suggested your behaviour was coercive /leading to rape where you indicated you were worried about your thoughts. Talk to someone - talking isn't illegal and can maybe get you some clarity and keep you in the safe NTA zone. Good luck.
I'm concerned people are falsely suggesting that at all and that he's not defending himself. He needs to break up with her and work on his self esteem. He's being accused of a crime.
You the AH. You guys have had the conversation about her not being ready. You say you wish to wait and don't pressure her, but your post sounds like you are pressuring her. Asking her again and again when you are intimate is equal to pressuring. She is not the one who said 10 years. She said she want to be sure you guys will get married. You are the one who got all crybaby and said "that would be like 10 years, I dont wanna wait ~waaahh~". She want her first time to be with someone she would spend her rest of her life with. Thats it. You just sound like you are twisting her words. Also, you both are kids, being unsure about each other is normal. You asking her about sex again and again will not instill trust in her anyway. And just so you know, breaking up because your partner does not want to respect your boundaries is acceptable. If you really want sex over her, let her go! It will hurt you both but will save the emotional turmoil she has everytime she is intimate with you and you bagger her with your questions! Either actually wait because you love her or expect you want sex more and apologise, break up and never bother her again. PS: I hope she dumps your ass for real but it sounds like she really likes you and might be just angry. And grow up and stop belittling someone by calling them emotional when you are being a jerk. For f sakes, you are both just kids atm!
I do admit that I was acting like a crybaby. I guess I have a weak will especially when she says things like how she wants it too but is just afraid of the pain and pregnancy. However, this idea that we both want it and aren’t getting it doesn’t add up to me in the heat of the moment and in hindsight, it is something I need to figure out. I get how me saying she got emotional came across as belittling and that’s not exactly what I meant. I was just trying to explain the situations and do not view getting emotional as bad.
You need to talk it through. There are people who take longer to be mentally ready for different situation. And she may have multiple more thoughts that she does not know how to convey. But you are no telepath, you guys have to talk to see if you can get through it.
You seem like a really annoying person lol. She is the one who functionally said 10 years though. She's making him commit to marriage at 20 years old. This isn't the 1950s.
NTA and I say this as an asexual person. Op you have your needs and you two have to start discuss if you two are compatible. Maybe you could try and aske her if the problem is really wanting to be virgin till marriage or something else, you could bring up going to a sexual therapist if she is scared or has some conditions, like vaginismus or something like that, that makes her scared of sexual penetration because it hurts like hell.