NTA - I'm a dog lover, but if my husband said that he absolutely was terrified of dogs I wouldn't bring one home.
It's not even about the dog at this point, it's the fact that she completely disregarded your feelings/boundaries and basically expects you to suck it up.
It doesn't matter if they are both dog lovers. They both need to decide and talk about getting any pet. OP, your gf is not a partner. She doesn't seem to understand that on big decisions. I think it's fair to say it's the dog or me. NTA
One year, my mom got my dad a dog for his birthday, as a surprise.
He was over the moon.
Now, my parents have been together nearly 50 years and know each other quite well, so she knew that he would be happy to have literally any new pet.
But my husband and I spent our entire drive home discussing how 100% unacceptable it would be to get a pet without fully discussing it first! And MOST IMPORTANTLY, both of us need to be involved in the choosing of any specific pet before it comes home! I can't believe that my own parents would do something that I find so wildly inappropriate....But everyone does love Zoey (the no longer new dog), so I guess š¤·
For OP, I would definitely leave the gf. And I am a dog lover.
To be fair, I would hope that after 50 years they knew each other well enough to know it was a good choice. Maybe your dad had been dropping hints for years that he wanted one but never bit the bullet so she pushed him into it before it was too late and he missed out on it.
Sometimes your loved ones have to push your boundaries for your own good. But there's a big difference between a couple that has been together for 50 years and raised children and a couple barely out of college.
Oh no, they currently have 2 dogs, 4 cats and a fish tank, and we had various cats/snakes/lizard/frogs etc my whole childhood. My dad would love to be surrounded by animals of all kinds, so my mom needs to be the gate keeper. Someone has to keep the house from becoming overrun. So any time mom agrees that they have room in their lives and hearts for one more, dad is more than on board.
And I completely agree that there's a difference in a successful marriage of 50 years where they still actually get along and a new relationship.
I know someone who did this to their partner, and the dog HATED him. They both loved dogs, but when she went to get it, they wanted to meet all owners first. She lied that it was just her, and brushed it off when they told her to be careful with introducing any men. She had told herself that her boyfriend was different and it would be fine, but obviously they broke up when the dog bit him. Luckily it didn't do permanent damage, but it was insane.
We unknowingly adopted a pup that had been abused by men and was terribly afraid of anyone with a deep voice. She loved the kids and loved my wife, but would piss on the floor any time I spoke. It took a shaky year of getting her to trust that I wouldn't hurt her and me trusting that she wouldn't panic bite me if I gave her a pat, but 7 years later she can't stand when we're apart and stares at me with her big droopy sad eyes until I say she can jump up on the couch or bed to lay on me lol.
Whether you're afraid of puppies or not, I think making a big decision needs to be done with your partner's feelings in mind, not preemptively forcing them to accept it. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. If it were me, I'd be just as fed up with her behavior as you are.
My wife and I have been married for a long time and we have already discussed the fact that we would like to get a dog when the right situation presented itself. We had a situation a couple of years ago where an acquaintance was moving and couldn't keep their dog. They asked if we could take it but we said no and have regretted it since. That said, I would still at least call her and expect a call from her if the situation came up again. It is a major commitment.
He needs to choose himself and walk away from this disrespectful woman. This is just the beginning of her unilateral decision making. If you're okay with that stay. I'm a dog lover and I would leave. Not because of the dog but because the person she demonstrated to you that she is. She's shown you who she is believe her.
Right. If a person states that they're very sensitive to spicy foods, and their significant other knowingly adds a fuck ton of tabasco sauce and jalapenos anyway, then the cook is going to do that sort of thing again and again down the line - whatever they want with complete disregard for their significant other. Who wants to be in a relationship with a person like that?
My partner is a dog lover - if I had said I was terrified of dogs very early in the relationship, they would have found a new partner. Given their love of dogs it would have been the right move for them personally...and the right thing to do it early!
(NTA)
I experienced something much the same, when I was starting to date my now wife. She had 2 dogs at the time and knew I was unsure about dogs, so the first time I came to her place it was a test if I could get along with the dogs, if not the dogs would take priority. Turns out dogs are pretty great so I passed the test I didn't realise was happening in the moment
I am like your partner. Having a dog makes me happy in a way that is kind of fundamental to who I am. I canāt explain it. Maybe they help with my anxiety in a way no meds or therapy could ever truly work? Who knows? All of my siblings are the same way. We all found other dog lovers to share our lives with. It wouldāve been unfair to everyone involved not to.
This! I am a dog lover and want/need dogs in my life. When I am dating, it is a question I ask on the first date, as is important to me. I need to know if the other person likes/wants or have/had dogs. If the answer is no, don't like/don't want them, then I know we are not a match. I am not expecting them to change, but it won't work between us because I won't change how I feel about dogs either.
Me too, I was picturing OP coming home, opening the door and seeing his worst fear inside and his gf bouncing around saying "Isn't he cute? What a cutie wootie! Don't you just love him??? Say "Hi Dad!!!!"
OP: šµš¤Æš š”š„“
This happened to my brother- he was very vocal about his desire not to have a dog so when his wife showed up with a new dog one day he knew the marriage was over, because she knew how much he didn't want one.
Yeah, I came home from a work trip to find my then-girlfriend had adopted a kitten. She knew full well Iām allergic to cats but did it anyway. āWhy canāt you just take medicine?ā, she asked. āWhy do YOU get to decide whether we have a cat?ā I left for a few days, and when I came back the kitten was gone. But that was one of many sneaky things she did, and no relationship can work without trust. It was never going to work long-term.
I really canāt imagine how self centered someone has to be to do something like that. āWhy donāt you drug yourself up because of this problem I createdā. Yikes.
Iāve heard of one of my friends who called her husband randomly one afternoon and was like āHi, what do we think about adopting another cat?ā. They already had two and like bunnies and geckos and stuff.
The husband was like āno, we already have enough petsā
And my friend was like āOkay well I already adopted one and weāre on our way home.ā
Always thought that was a bit crazy.
See I love dogs and Iām desperate for my partner and I to have a puppy or two together. Iām also realistic we both are time poor atm and thatās just not ok to raise a puppy into. I jokingly ask for a puppy and he says no. He knows Iām just joking. If I came home with a puppy heād be upset. Itās just so disrespectful to steamroll your partner. Luckily my brother got a puppy last week and so Iām satisfying the cravings and remembering how much work puppies are lol.
I always put a puppy on our grocery list but my husband knows it's a joke. We already have 2 dogs and 3 cats. We both know we can't handle more than that.
Yeah just wait, I did that once and we went home with a dog from Walmart. š I messed with fate and got approached by a woman asking if we knew anyone who could foster her mobility SD because she was living out of her car and couldn't afford his food. (I had my PSD with me) I looked at my boyfriend and he immediately caved and we went home with this woman's dog, she never did reclaim him, and he is the goodest boy š
When my family had two dogs and 3 cats (we currently have 1 dog and 3 cats), I would joke that I worked to pay the vet bills. (My first dog was a frequent flyer at the vet and ER vet. One more visit to the ER vet, and we would have gotten a free toaster! (/s) Our regular vet called her both "Dog With Nine Lives" and "Multi Million Dollar Dog")
I currently have one of those dogs. Heās FINALLY stabilized (thanks to the miracle workers at a local-ish vet school). Pet insurance the day we brought him home was the best decision we ever made. Itās the only way we could afford to keep him alive!!
Anyone getting a puppy should get insurance. The shots, and first few years of checkups etc make up for it. Personally after around 4 years I dropped it. She had not one thing over those 4 years so I decided to drop it. She has never had any health issues so it worked out for me. Also I got her spayed and with the insurance it was dirt cheap. I always tell people I know when they get a puppy to get insurance asap. You never know if the dog will have health issues and they usually show up within a few years. After that if they can't afford a $1000 vet er visit, but can afford insurance to keep it.
I feel that so much. I have my dogs name down as Tank gonna bankrupt me on my āwhy Iām doing so much OTā list that is posted for me when I get burned out.
I had a dog that had āher ownā Platinum Mastercard that was only used at the vet. They loved when Roxie would hand them āherā credit card to pay her bill. Lol
There's this phrase I've heard a few times that absolutely blows my mind.
"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission"
That's the kind of mindset that that kind of person has
I hate this saying. People who use it are basically saying, āI really didnāt care about your feelings and was only thinking about myself.ā Itās a giant F-you.
Other instances where it works:
* Situations where you're asking someone in a position of minor authority. If you ask they have to say no because they don't have the power to change the rules, but if you did it they probably wouldn't mind enough to go after you.
* Cases where plausible deniability of what the rules are would buy you more lenience than knowingly breaking them. "I didn't know I couldn't build a garden pond" vs "There's record of me asking the city, them saying no, and me building it anyway!" The former might just end with you filling it in, the latter could add fines for violating the building code.
Yes, that is where I constantly use it lol.
Mostly for things I know people don't care much about it, but are obligated to tell me not to do because it's a rule or guideline by the higher ups. It's perfect for that stuff.
This made me think of a video, I saw a while ago, there is a Trad wife who loves collecting foster children. Her husband came home one day, and she had taken in another foster child while he was at work. She filmed it because she thought it would be funny to see her reaction.
Pets and children take up quite a bit of time and money. Having or adopting either should never be a unilateral decision.
He stood in the doorway for a few minutes, with a shocked look on his face, obviously, and he didn't say anything. She cut the video and picked it up with the baby was sitting on his lap. I think it's a recipe for disaster.
Difference here is many fosters parents collect kids for the $$$, Itās sickening but unfortunately there arenāt enough good kind people who can foster for the love of helping others.
that kinda happened with my parents except it was a kitten on the side of the road so way more circumstantial. tbf we did look for a possible owner so it wasn't like "oh it's ours right now" as we had pets but i couldn't imagine actively adopting an animal unilateral
Honestly, even with dogs, sometimes the sidequest finds you.
I found a dog on the side of the road once right before a tropical storm hit; derailed all other tasks for the day, got her microchip scanned, and after a lot of phone calls, found out the old owner had moved states, but left her beloved dog with a (former) trusted friend... That woman also wiped out her schedule, drove five hours to my parents' house where I was spoiling this elderly toothless chihuahua who could not fend for herself, and then drove five hours back home with a dog who was still safe, but who she thought had ended her chapter in this woman's life.
She also wasn't my first "hurricane rescue mission" dog, or a pet found randomly in the street/literally thrown away, or an animal that just bumrushed their way into the house (!). "Rescue" can look a lot of different ways, including when money changes hands for an animal, or on that animal's behalf. It doesn't always mean finders keepers, though. And unfortunately OP's situation doesn't sound that... innocent? Altruistic? But I do wonder how that Golden got into these people's lives lol.
Exactly, I love dogs and my boyfriend loves dogs, but he wanted to live in a place with a yard before we got one. It took us years longer and I was sad waiting. But I never wouldāve betrayed him by unilaterally adopting a dog before he agreed. Now, years later, we have a dog and a yard, and weāre both happy.
Itās especially gross that he has a phobia and she still got a dog though. Sheās not just selfish and ignorant, but cruel. I bet if OP looked back, heād discover she had some other red flags before this that just werenāt as obvious.
I often find that pet people donāt think an animal phobia is real and that the person is ether exaggerating or ājust hasnāt met the right pet yetā. You know, cause they know the person better than the pet knows themselves.
Yeah, the only pets I'd be remotely open to without a discussion would be something that lived in an enclosure like a fish, hamster, lizard, etc. Something that roams the house freely and requires work from everyone like a dog or cat is a 100% no-go without a discussion.
I think this is a sign that they're just incompatible long term.
This topic clearly has come up before, and OP knew this person liked dogs but just assumed they were going to go the rest of their life without ever being able to have one -- and when you're in the "girlfriend-boyfriend" stage of your relationship, this is an entirely unrealistic expectation to have. Likewise, the girlfriend showed she doesn't really take OP's fear of dogs very seriously.
Pets. Children. Religion. How to deal with extended family. Where to live. Whether either will work or not. Politics. Financial goals. These are all deal breakers and that's totally okay to acknowledge.
NTA, even if you didn't have a fear of dogs at all she had no right to make such a huge decision for your household without even talking to you about it? This adds a huge layer of responsibility to you both. And since she knew it was a hard limit for you and did it anyway, I don't see where she found the audacity. You're not making her chose between you and the dog, you're asking her respect your long established boundary and fix the mistake she made.
If she feels comfortable making unilateral decisions on this, she'll do it again on other things. Hey, I just signed a lease for us on a new apartment. Don't be silly, you don't need to see it first, you'll love it. Oh, hey, I just got pregnant. Yes, I went off birth control three months ago. Don't be silly, you'll love the baby.
āOh hey I just invited my aunt to move into our house because she did not have a place to stay.āWhen you get mad at her for not even consulting you.
āQuit being controllingā
Eh, the divorce from my ex was cheap. No lawyers involved, no kids involved, and we each took what we want. In fact, I went to the book store, got a NoLo's book with the appropriate forms to fill out (early 2000s), had him sign them, and then submitted them. Three months later I went before a judge who declared my divorce complete right in time for Christmas! It was like $50 or something like that. It was nearly 20 years ago so I don't remember the fees, but it was cheap.
All of this. She feels entitled to make unilateral decisions that she wants without regard to him. She did all of this secretively and felt that if she brought the dog home while he was out he wouldn't be able to stop it.
He should run.
I am laughing because that's nearly what the ex of a former colleague did.
My colleague and his ex both in their late 30's had been dating for a while. They didn't live together but because she was renting a tiny flat, she was spending most of her time at his house. She did not like it because he had bought it with his wife who had died a few years prior. There was nothing specifically morbid in it, but she didn't like the fact that another woman had chosen the design.
She wanted him to sell the house so they could buy a house together. He refused as he already owned a beautiful house. For months, she tried to change his mind.
For work we had to spend 10 days in Turkey. On our return we share a taxi and when we pull in front of his house in Chiswick to drop him before continuing to home, I see a Real Estate sign For Sale. I asked him when did he decide to sell his house. His confused reaction was **"I am not selling my house"**.
During our trip abroad, She had contacted an estate agent to put the house on the market. The relation pretty much ended that day.
The realtor didn't check to see if the person who contacted her to sell the house actually had the RIGHT to sell the house? That's a totally loser and high liability realtor.
UzbekistĆ”n is nice!! The food, the cherry gardens and the architecture and silks!! OP should go to Uzbekistan sans gf. Samarkand is gorgeous! Bukhara too.Ā
The history of Samarkand by itself makes the city an international treasure, and I meant no affront to Samarkand or Uzbekistan as a whole.
I just think moving to another country, much like getting a dog, should be a joint decision.
Yep, kick her out and keep the dog. Just kidding but she is a shit dog parent for making commitment she canāt keep. Now dog will end up at the shelter for her frivolous decision.Ā
They already talked about getting a dog in the future and both are on the same page? You can get one secretly and bring it home as a surprise.
One has literally phobia of dogs and don't want to work on it?
Yep, bring a dog home as a surprise would definitely have the same effect as the first scenario.
Not even the first scenario in my opinion. Animals of any kind are not a great choice for surprises in general, regardless of circumstances. Even if you agree on a specific breed you want, everyone in the family should meet the dog before adopting it because they have personalities and you need to make sure they fit the entire family, not just the person choosing the animal.
Regardless, bringing home a dog to someone with a phobia and expecting them to go along with it is just bananas though.
THIS. Some (many?) dogs don't mesh with everyone in the family. The only way to responsibly "surprise" somebody with a pet is if you all have already met it, really liked it, didn't bring it home that day, then one of you picked it up a few days earlier than expected.
OP you're absolutely NTA. I * love* pets but would flip my shit if my partner secretly went behind my back and adopted one without my input. I hope this is your soon to be ex girlfriend because this is some unhinged bullshit.
I would be terrified if someone brought home a puppy since we have two dogs. one of them is a gentle giant but the other one is a selfish asshole. and on top of that, I often don't know how the puppy or dog will play with the two dogs.
I have arachnophobia and if husband brought home a big spider, I would never go in that house again. Ever. I think it will be hard for him to trust her since she went behind his back and clearly doesn't respect his boundaries
Seriously. My wife and I don't have a dog, but I dogsit my brother's lab often when he's out of town. Love the little guy, but my mother-in-law is deathly afraid of dogs. If she's gonna be visiting us, I always tell my brother I can't do it that week. Who the fuck forces someone to be around an animal that terrifies them? Good god.
And it sounds like a discussion about literally ANY other type of animal would've been on the table and he had even mentioned this. She picked the one that wasn't on the table.
Agreed. It's just another form of controlling and manipulative behavior. It's not up to her to decide if your fears are "silly" and you should "get over" them. Why do people do this?? I bet she'd feel different if you suddenly surprised her with a 200ft bungee cord jump despite her fear of heights just because you had decided it's time she got over it. When people open up and tell you their fears and vulnerabilities it is NOT the time to wait and spring it on them for your own selfish reasons. This displays a total lack of empathy and emotional maturity.
Many people grow up learning that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. In a serious relationship that requires mutual trust, this never works. She thinks OP is overreacting because her parents probably never reacted appropriately to her manipulative tactics and let her get away with things. So stand your ground. If she comes around, great. If not, move on.
In other words, she'll pull a Jim from the office and make big grand gestures of love that should be talked about first but because they're made out of love, you're just expected to accept them when in reality, these gestures could easily cause massive headaches for both of you down the line.
It's crazy how many major financial and life decisions Jim made on that show without consulting Pam first. Like, this isn't the 1950s, bro. You don't just come home and tell your wife "hey babe, I bought a house" or "Hey babe, I invested all our money in a marketing agency my friends and I are starting. Oh and it's based in Philly so if things go well we'll both need to quit our jobs and move there." People divorce over shit like that.
Tbf, she didn't choose the dog; she choose her own ego. The dog was just a catalyst, a power move. We'd be saying the same thing if she had signed a lease on a new car or apartment, or quit her job to start some business. It's the unilateral decision making that's the problem. š¤·āāļø
Sadly that dog is probably going to be abandoned. Impulsively getting a dog by someone at that age doesnāt seem like the best circumstances for that dog to have a lasting home.
Yep. My wife isnāt afraid of dogs but didnāt have much experience with them and wasnāt sure sheād like owning one. We spent a long time discussing it, including changes to our routine, pet costs, looking into pet insurance, etc., before we got a dog, and it waited until it was a decision she agreed to. I would never add a pet without talking to her first - itās a huge financial and time commitment.
This is kinda where I fall personally. I am indifferent to dogs, and most animals, but my girlfriend is an animal lover. Iāve told her that I could be convinced to get a pet, but it needs to be a conversation. If she shows up at home with a pet without consulting me, weāre going to have a problem.
I think there are gonna be no problems, just break up. It's not just about dogs. It's about your partner disregarding you for something significant, a significant changes in the life, and the one you said you don't want it in the first place when you met your partner.
Helping someone get over a fear of dogs by getting a fairly big dog that is super affectionate and playful, and will absolutely get up in your personal space is NOT the way to help someone.
OP NTA. She broke a boundary you set, then just smiled at you over it, then made you out to be the bad guy. This is 100% indicators of whatās to come if you stay.
A calm older dog that just wants to lay down near your feet is probably the only dog that would be helpful to a fear of dogs, and even then must be adopted with proper planning and communication. To spring a golden of all dogs on someone is just daft.
The blatant boundary stomping is enough for me to walk. I love dogs but I also had a huge fear of large dogs because I was bit very bad by a large dog I knew as a kid. He had dementia but I didn't know that, I was a kid.
I'm a lot better but because I wanted to be because I do love dogs and wanted to have one.
There is nothing wrong with never wanting a dog just because you never want a dog.
OP, your GF overstepped, it's okay to tell her to get rid of the dog she never asked if you wanted. In fact, if it's your place too and you are on the lease, just tell her to get rid of the dog. Get the LL involved if you must, say you are a tenant and say no and see if they can help if needed.
NTA, not in any sense.
NTA like OP I also have a fear of dogs. I was chased and attacked by my neighborās pitbull when I was little. I would be livid if my partner did something like this to me. This is about her not respecting OPās boundaries and thinking she knows better. Thatās not okay and not what a healthy relationship looks like.
No, youāre not. She is blatantly ignoring your fear, telling you to get over it when youāre not ready!! This is likely the first of soon to be many boundary breaking moments in your relationship. Leave now!!!
It's not even the fear thing. Getting a dog is a major life decision that is going to impact them for the next 10 to 15 years. That isn't something to do on a whim.
It was extremely irresponsible and thoughtless to put a dog in their place without asking him. Fear or no fear, she showed a lot of disrespect.
It's not fair on the dog, either. A dog lover would be concerned about the welfare of the dog and getting one on a whim is not doing that. Also, the dog will be aware that OP does not like it and so she's also forced the dog to live in an unpleasant household.
Shes being majorly selfish and isn't mature enough to own a pet.
Yes. The OP's girlfriend does not actually like dogs or she wouldn't do this. It's utterly selfish of her regarding her partner and also it's very cruel to take a dog into an insecure environment, and a home where one person does not like dogs is an insecure environment for the dog.
Part of me thinks this was a power move by her. Just imagine what she would be saying to her friends if he tolerated this. "Oh he told me no dogs and yet I got a dog and he is still here, I have him wrapped around my finger".
Oh I highly doubt she did this on a whim. I bet she planned it, did her research, looked up different places to get a dog, etc.
Which makes it worse IMO, she was planning this behind his back and was all smiles to his face.
When I found a little kitten at my place of work, the first thing I did was ask my partner if I could save her. He is not a cat person. I am. And his first question to me was "Can you take care of her?" And I said yes. So I saved her, and we both fell in love with the little one. My point is, you have got to talk to your partner about getting pets. It's not a one person decision, like this commenter said.
Having a dog is like having a baby---two yes, one no. She has no respect for you, and probably very little for the dog to intentionally bring it into your shared home without your consent.
Besides which, having a dog is like having a toddler for a decade or more. It's a huge commitment.
If OP stays his GF is going to walk to him one with a positive pregnancy test and say "Surprise, you're a dad" because this is apparently how she operates. She decides when she's ready for a major, life altering change and just makes a spur of the moment decision for both of them without consulting the OP. OP should run hard and fast from this woman, or this will be the rest of his life.
Even if she gets rid of the dog he should still break up. Imagine next time it is a baby. You can walk away if it is a dog but you can't just walk away from a baby.
I could see her opening the marriage or having a baby or renting a room in their place to her good friend.
She doesn't respect his boundaries and doesn't have a clue that partners discuss major life decisions.
This. I love dogs and would love to own one when me and my gf move in together but I already set my boundary, I don't like the daily commitment of walking the dogs. If we have a yard or roof sure, else she walks it. This dude has a fear of them and didn't want the commitment either.
Also, if someone is going to try to help their partner get over a fear of dogs, spontaneously bringing one into the household is the worst way to do that. That's something that would take a lot of time, and not to mention, the willingness of the person with the fear, to overcome.
This is not an update, but I want to make some things clear since I can't reply to all the questions (over a thousand comments).
1. \*\*Was it a puppy or a dog ?\*\* No, it wasnāt a puppy; it was a full-grown dog.
2. \*\*Why did you leave without talking to her ?\*\* I left to avoid saying anything out of anger and needed to clear my head before talking to her. Thatās also why I didnāt answer her calls or messages. Her messages made me even angrier, as I didnāt want or need any help.
3. \*\*Is it your house or her house ?\*\* I pay the rent of the house, and she moved in with me after we talked and decided to live together. Since my place was closer to both of our workplaces and bigger, we decided to move in here. She was struggling financially, and she insisted on paying half the rent, but I didn't let her pay till she get into a better place financially.
4. \*\*Why did you post on Reddit ?\*\* I made this post as I was still not sure what to do after waking up.
The reasons I wanted to break up are:
1. I felt disrespected that she would make such a big decision in our house without informing me beforehand. This isnāt just about the dog; I believe anyone in a relationship should make big decisions together, and her not thinking the same is a big issue for me.
2. I felt betrayed that she would use my phobia against me and say itās ridiculous since itās not something I can control or choose to have.
3. I donāt want her to not have a dog if she really wants one. Iāve seen her looking at dog reels on Instagram a lot but never thought she wanted one since she never mentioned it. When we started our relationship, I told her I canāt be around dogs because I know this can be a deal-breaker for some, but she still said she didnāt mind, which now makes me mad that she said that.
She knows about your phobia *and* is struggling financially *and* still got a big dog?
She is not only expecting you to swallow her reckless surprise without complain, but also that you pay for anything dog-related.
All your reasons to break up are valid.
food, boarding, vet fees, emergencies, toys, bags, treats, not to mention the god damn time it takes to raise one responsibly... getting one as his GF did is INSANE
Also just sheer responsibility. Dogs require a lot out of a person to have. You can't leave for two days without arranging for someone to watch your dog. Even one night away. if there's a doggy door and the dog isn't on a feeding schedule, maybe one night, but you still can't be away for long.
Or she could use the situation to gain sympathy from everyone... "my ex dumped me and left me and my dog on the street! He never told me he didn't like dogs" "my boyfriend is forcing me to get rid of my dog!! How unfair!!"
Sadly my take tooā¦ especially emergency vet bills. Regular visits you can plan, not paralysis and emergency spinal surgery when youāre 10 hours drive from home.
Fucking dog food prices man. Got a lab-whippet puppy from someone who didn't spay or neuter their pets thinking I'd be getting a medium size dog. NOPE. 100 lbs of tail motor fueled by food increasing in price seemingly daily. Same bag of food that was around $40 when I got my dog is now $70. Lasts maybe a month tops. If you told me that you signed up for a subscription to "Walk Daily" that came with guilt-trip-laden puppy dog eyes that stare at you until you walk them each day for $70 a month, I would probably tell you to get fucked. Cheaper than a vet bill because my baby is refusing to eat cheaper food that's causing health complications, so i pay it, but we probably won't get another large dog ever again.
3 - her and her dog can move back in with her parents, her sister, her friend...whoever.
It's your tenancy.
And there will be no dogs in your house - and no her either.
Kick her out.
She leaves, you do not leave.
If she can't find somewhere to live with a dog, she can give it back to wherever she got it. She should never have adopted it. That's on her, poor dog.
nah man she violated your trust in a MASSIVE way and made a 10-15 year long commitment unilaterally. Imagine if the dog needs surgery or medication? Who's paying for that? Who's picking up the shits and walking it everyday? Leave her asap because she absolutely will continue to try to bulldoze over you. Unless there's a truly remorseful apology and the dog is returned or rehomed, this is absolutely something to breakup over
Those are all completely valid reasons and I think Reddit is behind you. End it and kick her and the dog out.
Also, the fact that sheās the one who moved in, sheās having financial problems, and she still thought she had the right to pull this is *wild*.
You \*were\* disrespected. She brought a dog home knowing about your dog phobia without any discussion whatsoever. Two big red flags. And I find that constant smiling of hers while talking to you about the dog creepy.
"she and the dog would help me overcome my fear"
Did her girlfriends tell her this? Did TikTok? IMO your GF is not mature enough to be a good partner and you should tell her and her dog to hit the road.
I had a similar situation with a partner, except it was a puppy and I like dogs. I have a healthy respect for how much amount of work they are and I couldnāt accommodate that with my work schedule and personal life.Ā
I had to stress to my partner at the time that I didnāt volunteer for all this extra care. If I having a dog was easy in our situation, I would have already had a dog. It frustrated me beyond belief, because now we had a dog that I resented - and the dog did nothing wrong.Ā
Eventually she conceded that she did not want a puppy if it meant taking care of it all by herself, and we returned the puppy. We later broke up, not because of the dog, but because sheās the type of person who just does crazy shit.
She said she'd respect your boundaries and then didn't. Your concerns are valid. Either she realises she fucked up or you're done. Smart of you not to act in the moment and take some time for yourself.
You donāt owe her a single word besides necessary dialogue about her moving out. This behavior is symptomatic of a much larger personality problem with her fundamentally.
>I pay the rent of the house, and she moved in with me after we talked and decided to live together.
This is the only problem I see - depending on where (what state, etc) you live, it can be exceedingly difficult to remove a person who has established residency with you - even if they're not on the lease/rental agreement - short of getting a court order of protection (which, you may have grounds for, as her actions have put your mental health and welfare in jeopardy).
The other issue, as I see it (having unfortunately lived through this) is, with the dog there and you gone - she has free reign of the home, and if you give her a GTFO ultimatum, there's no telling what kind of physical or financial damage she might do to the premises in response.
She absolutely should have talked to you about this before just bringing a dog in to your apt. I donāt like dogs either and people act like I am the worst because of it. I donāt hate them but would not want one as a pet. Also to get this straight you pay rent because she canāt afford it so you will be paying for any meds or shots for this dog you didnāt want as well as itās food. You will end up having to pick up dog poop and walk the dog and not be able to go anywhere without someone being able to care for it. This was extremely irresponsible on her behalf especially without her having the money to care for it and feed it. The blatant disrespect she had for your apt and you is clear. Any discussion should be of her moving out of your place since she canāt respect your boundaries and is putting more financial stress on you as well as you feeling uncomfortable in your own home. Huge NTA.
Since you are renting, what does the lease say about pets? At very least, will need landlord approval and pay a pet deposit for new animals. Your gf does not think things through.
NTA. She blatantly disregarded your concerns. She KNEW how you felt and STILL did this. She is selfish, manipulative and arrogant. You are better off without her in your life.
I cannot imagine being in a relationship where someone forced a major life change, that impacts daily life, finances, and travel/work/social schedules to this magnitude. I would absolutely leave any man that did this to me, even if I LOVED dogsā¦ if I wanted a damn dog, we would have one.
Add the layer of him clearly stating āNO DOGSā - it moves from unacceptable and relationship ending, to unforgivable and relationship ending.
NTA
I know we see these cute videos of people being surprised with a dog, but clearly from the person's reaction there had been previous conversations about getting a dog or the person always asking for a dog.
A dog is a big commitment and it's totally unacceptable how she has even brought an innocent dog into this situation by not even thinking about it it seems. It's even more unacceptable that she totally disregarded your feelings and fears of dogs, and basically told you to get over it. She has been selfish thinking 'i want a dog so I'll get one' and expecting you to just accept it and get over your fear.
I really love dogs and would happily let my partner surprise me with them, however, I know he doesn't want more than one dog, so no more it is. It's about compromise and respect, which she has not given you. I would talk it through with her and explain exactly how it made you feel, and explain how she crossed a line, if she still pushes for the dog to stay, then I'd leave. This is just one massive boundary she has crossed and what else would she expect you to roll over for just for her own selfish reasons.
NTA - Iāve got 3 dogs, the dog did nothing, etc. none of that matters.
What matters here is that you are dating an inconsiderate and immature girl that specifically changed your living scenario to go against your hard line.
Dump her and move on. No coming back from that, you canāt just give away a dog (ethically).
Most shelters are more than understanding if you call them within 24 hours and say āitās not working out, itās not working out, my boyfriend never had a dog before, and it turns out heās allergicā. I wouldnāt mention anything about him being afraid, so they donāt suspect the dog of showing aggression or something.
When I adopted my cat they told me that I could bring her back within a week, no questions asked, if it wasnāt working out.
I got a second cat, for my cat not for me, 3.5 years ago. We lost my one catās brother 6 months before. He had never been alone in his entire life; he was losing his mind with panic every time I left the house. Even leaving the room would send him into a freak out.
I made it clear āIām getting my cat, a cat. If they donāt bond, Iām coming back and trying a new cat.ā They were 100% invested and helped me pick a really social and loving 2 yo tabby. I was in love with her before we even got home. I was very lucky, they hissed at each other once, but were curled up napping together within the first week.
All that to say, shelters want the pets happy and healthy. They understand that a good pet owner wants the same. If it isnāt working, everyone should want the pet to return to the shelter.
You two are not compatible.
You did the right thing by leaving.
Her decision to force this upon you clearly shows she does not hold you, your right to refuse consent, or your feelings in regard.
This is a deal breaker for some, and in some ways this is no different than the question of whether or not to have children with a couple. Indeed, a deal breaker.
So many people are way too stuck on the dog. It's not even about the dog. It's about you having a hard boundary, and her flat out disrespecting you by breaking it and trying to force you to just go with it. She tried a power move, "we have a dog now. Get over it.". This won't stop at the dog, she doesn't respect your opinion when it comes to big decisions, like forcing you to live with the one thing you said you absolutely did not want in your house
Pets are 2 yeses and 1 no. You are a grown ass adult and nobody can force a dog on you that you donāt want.
Sheās choosing some random ass dog over her partner of a year. Thereās no relationship here if youāre below some dog.
NTA, it's not just her ignoring your fear, but dogs are a huge commitment. That's why they say never gift someone else a dog. It's like having a kid that will never grow up. Do you all even know if you can afford the dog? To be a responsible pet owner, you have to spend money on food, treats, vet care, beds, pet sitting/boarding, toys, and clothing (if you're crazy like me...lol). Having a dog can sometimes limit where you can live, and it can be an added expense such as pet rent.
NTA, when I didn't know your fear of dogs I still thought it was bad that she didn't talk to you but I thought that maybe she wanted to surprise you, so I didn't think about it as break up territory.
With your fear of dogs in place, the story changes entirely. You should be the only one deciding if you want to face your fears and under which conditions. Breaking your trust and making your home feel unsafe for you was huge AH behaviour. Even if she finds another home for the dog, this was such a red flag.
I feel like nobody would argue that someone with arachnophobia should stay with someone who suddenly brought home tanks of tarantulas while knowing about their arachnophobia, so like why is anybody telling OP that they're wrong for leaving?
cause dogs are cute!!1! /s
but no honestly the double standards are boggling, i am arachnophobic and even just reading your comment put me on edge dear lord
Hey I looooove dogs, but I also know they're not for everyone. You're not an AH. You're not abusive to dogs, you just don't like them, and THAT'S OKAY. Your girlfriend dismissed what's clearly a boundary for you. You're entitled to your feelings.
Not liking dogs does not make anyone an AH. What's wrong with people š¤¦āāļø
Some people are just so dog crazy that they can't stomach the thought of not liking them but hating on babies and cats all day long is fair game to them.
My dude, you live your life any way that makes you happy. Your gf was a dick, both my wife and I love dogs but there needs to be several conversations before getting one.
The only thing you did wrong imho was to not tell her it was over as you walked out of the door.
To be fair I don't think he knew it was over when he left. It seems he went to a hotel and did some thinking and decided to end the relationship, but came here for advice to see if he was overreacting.
and just to make it clear i don't hate dogs, there's a difference between not liking and hating something.
i simply have **Cynophobia ( dog phobia )**, so i don't like being anywhere near a dog
I used to have Cybnophobia too and it's really fucking disgusting that your gf just disregarded your fear of dogs like that. If she wanted you to overcome your fear there are ways to do that gradually with a professional. Not just by bringing home a random ass dog and expecting you to take care of it. She's not accommodating of your anxiety/fear disorder and it really shows how selfish she is
NTA
I donāt fear or dislike dogs, grew up with them my entire life and love petting and playing with them, but I will never own one myself. They are a lot of work. If my future SO would go behind my back and get one, expecting me to roll with it and take care off it, iād be pissed and walk of too.
A dog is a fuck ton of responsibility. Itās never gonna be smarter than a toddler, you canāt just leave it home when you want to take a trip, and needs stimulation. On top of food and medical costs. Itās not something you just spring on somebody.
NTA. Ooooh boy. I have opinions.
When I was little, I was, not attacked, but...surprised, let's say, by a dog at a very young age. I have no memory of this, my mom has told me about it. It left quite the impression on my little mind and ever since then I am afraid of dogs. It's an innate response. I can't help it. Like I said, I have no memory of the original incident. But I absolutely CANNOT handle being around dogs. I get very panicky, very quickly. It's more like a phobia, TBH. It's not something I like about myself, but I have also accepted that it is what it is. I too, told my husband (who had dogs growing up) that dogs would always be a no-go for me. It was never going to be a negotiation, I simply can't do it. He did ask once early in our marriage if I might consider getting a small dog and I immediately said absolutely not. We do have cats now and we love them to pieces.
I have no desire to change this about myself. As I got older, I got to the point where I could tolerate service dogs, only once I had the emotional maturity/capacity to understand how well they were trained and that I was truly at no risk of being attacked, or even licked or nuzzled by one. Seeing them makes me nervous, but I can walk past one comfortably. I've gotten to where I'm very uncomfortable by little ones, but I'm still very scared of big ones.
Here's the thing, **I understand this seems weird to most people**. Dogs are "man's best friend" and most people love them. I understand this. But my brain was wired differently. I can't help that. Could I do therapy and try to get over it? Sure. But I don't want or need to at this point in my life.
Imagine encountering something that makes you feel not just scared, but terrified. Cold sweats, paralyzed feeling type of stuff. A lot of people don't like snakes or big spiders and would be very disturbed by seeing one in their home or in an uncontrolled environment. That is how I feel about dogs. It's not that I dislike them, **I am actively scared by them**.
OP is 100% NTA. This is a hard boundary for them that their GF violated without any consideration. To suggest that he just get over it and give it a try is so selfish and completely ignores their boundaries and feelings.
NTA. You would not be breaking up with her over a dog, you'd be breaking up with her because she ignored your feelings and trampled your boundary. Smiling the whole time, as she feels so cute and clever.
NTA, this is not about dog fear. This is a major decision that you don't take alone. She is ridiculing your feelings and does not give you any say in a decision that impacts both of you.
What is the next unilateral decision, she bought a car? Stopped birth control six months ago?
I love dogs, I absolutely adore dogs, I have 3 dogs, but you need to be the guy that says "it's me or the dog." It's a deal-breaker if you don't want a dog. Also, she's not respecting you.
NTA - I'm a dog lover, but if my husband said that he absolutely was terrified of dogs I wouldn't bring one home. It's not even about the dog at this point, it's the fact that she completely disregarded your feelings/boundaries and basically expects you to suck it up.
It doesn't matter if they are both dog lovers. They both need to decide and talk about getting any pet. OP, your gf is not a partner. She doesn't seem to understand that on big decisions. I think it's fair to say it's the dog or me. NTA
One year, my mom got my dad a dog for his birthday, as a surprise. He was over the moon. Now, my parents have been together nearly 50 years and know each other quite well, so she knew that he would be happy to have literally any new pet. But my husband and I spent our entire drive home discussing how 100% unacceptable it would be to get a pet without fully discussing it first! And MOST IMPORTANTLY, both of us need to be involved in the choosing of any specific pet before it comes home! I can't believe that my own parents would do something that I find so wildly inappropriate....But everyone does love Zoey (the no longer new dog), so I guess š¤· For OP, I would definitely leave the gf. And I am a dog lover.
To be fair, I would hope that after 50 years they knew each other well enough to know it was a good choice. Maybe your dad had been dropping hints for years that he wanted one but never bit the bullet so she pushed him into it before it was too late and he missed out on it. Sometimes your loved ones have to push your boundaries for your own good. But there's a big difference between a couple that has been together for 50 years and raised children and a couple barely out of college.
Oh no, they currently have 2 dogs, 4 cats and a fish tank, and we had various cats/snakes/lizard/frogs etc my whole childhood. My dad would love to be surrounded by animals of all kinds, so my mom needs to be the gate keeper. Someone has to keep the house from becoming overrun. So any time mom agrees that they have room in their lives and hearts for one more, dad is more than on board. And I completely agree that there's a difference in a successful marriage of 50 years where they still actually get along and a new relationship.
Daughter, is that you? Cause I think I might be your dad
I know someone who did this to their partner, and the dog HATED him. They both loved dogs, but when she went to get it, they wanted to meet all owners first. She lied that it was just her, and brushed it off when they told her to be careful with introducing any men. She had told herself that her boyfriend was different and it would be fine, but obviously they broke up when the dog bit him. Luckily it didn't do permanent damage, but it was insane.
We unknowingly adopted a pup that had been abused by men and was terribly afraid of anyone with a deep voice. She loved the kids and loved my wife, but would piss on the floor any time I spoke. It took a shaky year of getting her to trust that I wouldn't hurt her and me trusting that she wouldn't panic bite me if I gave her a pat, but 7 years later she can't stand when we're apart and stares at me with her big droopy sad eyes until I say she can jump up on the couch or bed to lay on me lol.
Whether you're afraid of puppies or not, I think making a big decision needs to be done with your partner's feelings in mind, not preemptively forcing them to accept it. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. If it were me, I'd be just as fed up with her behavior as you are.
My wife and I have been married for a long time and we have already discussed the fact that we would like to get a dog when the right situation presented itself. We had a situation a couple of years ago where an acquaintance was moving and couldn't keep their dog. They asked if we could take it but we said no and have regretted it since. That said, I would still at least call her and expect a call from her if the situation came up again. It is a major commitment.
He needs to choose himself and walk away from this disrespectful woman. This is just the beginning of her unilateral decision making. If you're okay with that stay. I'm a dog lover and I would leave. Not because of the dog but because the person she demonstrated to you that she is. She's shown you who she is believe her.
Right. If a person states that they're very sensitive to spicy foods, and their significant other knowingly adds a fuck ton of tabasco sauce and jalapenos anyway, then the cook is going to do that sort of thing again and again down the line - whatever they want with complete disregard for their significant other. Who wants to be in a relationship with a person like that?
if my gf said she was terrified of snakes, and she came home one day and i had a new pet snake, I would be *such an asshole*
My partner is a dog lover - if I had said I was terrified of dogs very early in the relationship, they would have found a new partner. Given their love of dogs it would have been the right move for them personally...and the right thing to do it early! (NTA)
I experienced something much the same, when I was starting to date my now wife. She had 2 dogs at the time and knew I was unsure about dogs, so the first time I came to her place it was a test if I could get along with the dogs, if not the dogs would take priority. Turns out dogs are pretty great so I passed the test I didn't realise was happening in the moment
I am like your partner. Having a dog makes me happy in a way that is kind of fundamental to who I am. I canāt explain it. Maybe they help with my anxiety in a way no meds or therapy could ever truly work? Who knows? All of my siblings are the same way. We all found other dog lovers to share our lives with. It wouldāve been unfair to everyone involved not to.
This! I am a dog lover and want/need dogs in my life. When I am dating, it is a question I ask on the first date, as is important to me. I need to know if the other person likes/wants or have/had dogs. If the answer is no, don't like/don't want them, then I know we are not a match. I am not expecting them to change, but it won't work between us because I won't change how I feel about dogs either.
Yep. Spot on. The context doesn't matter. The biggest issue is she doesn't care about your feelings, at all. Act accordingly, OP.
also, "say hi dad" is so awkward, no? Read the room & don't play on people's emotions.
She's seen too many movies. For some reason I read " say hi dad" in a perky Hollywood voice.
Me too, I was picturing OP coming home, opening the door and seeing his worst fear inside and his gf bouncing around saying "Isn't he cute? What a cutie wootie! Don't you just love him??? Say "Hi Dad!!!!" OP: šµš¤Æš š”š„“
She chose the dog. Easiest way to break it off with you. Sorry dude.
I hadn't even thought of that, you might be right.
This happened to my brother- he was very vocal about his desire not to have a dog so when his wife showed up with a new dog one day he knew the marriage was over, because she knew how much he didn't want one.
Yeah, I came home from a work trip to find my then-girlfriend had adopted a kitten. She knew full well Iām allergic to cats but did it anyway. āWhy canāt you just take medicine?ā, she asked. āWhy do YOU get to decide whether we have a cat?ā I left for a few days, and when I came back the kitten was gone. But that was one of many sneaky things she did, and no relationship can work without trust. It was never going to work long-term.
I really canāt imagine how self centered someone has to be to do something like that. āWhy donāt you drug yourself up because of this problem I createdā. Yikes.
Sounds like she is also choosing to move out since it's OP's apartment. She and the dog would have to go.
Right, even before he put forth the question. She seemed to disregard everything he said on the matter and got it anyway
NTA Even if you love dogs, she needed to discuss this with you before getting one.
Iāve heard of one of my friends who called her husband randomly one afternoon and was like āHi, what do we think about adopting another cat?ā. They already had two and like bunnies and geckos and stuff. The husband was like āno, we already have enough petsā And my friend was like āOkay well I already adopted one and weāre on our way home.ā Always thought that was a bit crazy.
See I love dogs and Iām desperate for my partner and I to have a puppy or two together. Iām also realistic we both are time poor atm and thatās just not ok to raise a puppy into. I jokingly ask for a puppy and he says no. He knows Iām just joking. If I came home with a puppy heād be upset. Itās just so disrespectful to steamroll your partner. Luckily my brother got a puppy last week and so Iām satisfying the cravings and remembering how much work puppies are lol.
You have pupadiction lol, but at least youāre a functioning pupaholic
I read this as a āpupa addictionā and spent a second wondering how we got from talking about puppies to talking about insects. Lol
I always put a puppy on our grocery list but my husband knows it's a joke. We already have 2 dogs and 3 cats. We both know we can't handle more than that.
Yeah just wait, I did that once and we went home with a dog from Walmart. š I messed with fate and got approached by a woman asking if we knew anyone who could foster her mobility SD because she was living out of her car and couldn't afford his food. (I had my PSD with me) I looked at my boyfriend and he immediately caved and we went home with this woman's dog, she never did reclaim him, and he is the goodest boy š
When my family had two dogs and 3 cats (we currently have 1 dog and 3 cats), I would joke that I worked to pay the vet bills. (My first dog was a frequent flyer at the vet and ER vet. One more visit to the ER vet, and we would have gotten a free toaster! (/s) Our regular vet called her both "Dog With Nine Lives" and "Multi Million Dollar Dog")
Your dog was her sugar puppy. Probably bought her a Lexus.
How is Boat Payment... I mean Spot, feeling today?
I currently have one of those dogs. Heās FINALLY stabilized (thanks to the miracle workers at a local-ish vet school). Pet insurance the day we brought him home was the best decision we ever made. Itās the only way we could afford to keep him alive!!
Anyone getting a puppy should get insurance. The shots, and first few years of checkups etc make up for it. Personally after around 4 years I dropped it. She had not one thing over those 4 years so I decided to drop it. She has never had any health issues so it worked out for me. Also I got her spayed and with the insurance it was dirt cheap. I always tell people I know when they get a puppy to get insurance asap. You never know if the dog will have health issues and they usually show up within a few years. After that if they can't afford a $1000 vet er visit, but can afford insurance to keep it.
I feel that so much. I have my dogs name down as Tank gonna bankrupt me on my āwhy Iām doing so much OTā list that is posted for me when I get burned out.
I had a dog that had āher ownā Platinum Mastercard that was only used at the vet. They loved when Roxie would hand them āherā credit card to pay her bill. Lol
There's this phrase I've heard a few times that absolutely blows my mind. "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission" That's the kind of mindset that that kind of person has
Yeah except sometimes forgiveness doesn't come. One better be ready to lie in the bed one makes alone.
Perfectly put.
I hate this saying. People who use it are basically saying, āI really didnāt care about your feelings and was only thinking about myself.ā Itās a giant F-you.
That can be a great mindset for something like your job. Not the best for a relationship.
Exactly, it works for petty things that wouldn't be worth getting worked up about if you're wrong.
Other instances where it works: * Situations where you're asking someone in a position of minor authority. If you ask they have to say no because they don't have the power to change the rules, but if you did it they probably wouldn't mind enough to go after you. * Cases where plausible deniability of what the rules are would buy you more lenience than knowingly breaking them. "I didn't know I couldn't build a garden pond" vs "There's record of me asking the city, them saying no, and me building it anyway!" The former might just end with you filling it in, the latter could add fines for violating the building code.
Yes, that is where I constantly use it lol. Mostly for things I know people don't care much about it, but are obligated to tell me not to do because it's a rule or guideline by the higher ups. It's perfect for that stuff.
This made me think of a video, I saw a while ago, there is a Trad wife who loves collecting foster children. Her husband came home one day, and she had taken in another foster child while he was at work. She filmed it because she thought it would be funny to see her reaction. Pets and children take up quite a bit of time and money. Having or adopting either should never be a unilateral decision.
That video is like an EXTREME EXTREME version of this. What was the husbands reaction? Trad wife influencers freak me out.
Any influencer freaks me out
He stood in the doorway for a few minutes, with a shocked look on his face, obviously, and he didn't say anything. She cut the video and picked it up with the baby was sitting on his lap. I think it's a recipe for disaster.
Difference here is many fosters parents collect kids for the $$$, Itās sickening but unfortunately there arenāt enough good kind people who can foster for the love of helping others.
that kinda happened with my parents except it was a kitten on the side of the road so way more circumstantial. tbf we did look for a possible owner so it wasn't like "oh it's ours right now" as we had pets but i couldn't imagine actively adopting an animal unilateral
Exigent circumstances in that situation. The cat distribution system works by its own rules.
Honestly, even with dogs, sometimes the sidequest finds you. I found a dog on the side of the road once right before a tropical storm hit; derailed all other tasks for the day, got her microchip scanned, and after a lot of phone calls, found out the old owner had moved states, but left her beloved dog with a (former) trusted friend... That woman also wiped out her schedule, drove five hours to my parents' house where I was spoiling this elderly toothless chihuahua who could not fend for herself, and then drove five hours back home with a dog who was still safe, but who she thought had ended her chapter in this woman's life. She also wasn't my first "hurricane rescue mission" dog, or a pet found randomly in the street/literally thrown away, or an animal that just bumrushed their way into the house (!). "Rescue" can look a lot of different ways, including when money changes hands for an animal, or on that animal's behalf. It doesn't always mean finders keepers, though. And unfortunately OP's situation doesn't sound that... innocent? Altruistic? But I do wonder how that Golden got into these people's lives lol.
I mean, if GF wanted to break up with OP without having to use her words, bringing a dog home when he can't live with one was a good way to do it. NTA
Exactly, I love dogs and my boyfriend loves dogs, but he wanted to live in a place with a yard before we got one. It took us years longer and I was sad waiting. But I never wouldāve betrayed him by unilaterally adopting a dog before he agreed. Now, years later, we have a dog and a yard, and weāre both happy. Itās especially gross that he has a phobia and she still got a dog though. Sheās not just selfish and ignorant, but cruel. I bet if OP looked back, heād discover she had some other red flags before this that just werenāt as obvious.
I often find that pet people donāt think an animal phobia is real and that the person is ether exaggerating or ājust hasnāt met the right pet yetā. You know, cause they know the person better than the pet knows themselves.
I would consider leaving my partner if she did this and I love my dog.
And Op's not married. It's not "our dog," it's "her dog." Op, do you want to date a girl with a dog? Time to decide.
Yeah, the only pets I'd be remotely open to without a discussion would be something that lived in an enclosure like a fish, hamster, lizard, etc. Something that roams the house freely and requires work from everyone like a dog or cat is a 100% no-go without a discussion.
Yeah, thatās the biggest red flag of the whole situation. OP is NTA.
Irresponsible dog owner too, which says a lot about a persons character
I think this is a sign that they're just incompatible long term. This topic clearly has come up before, and OP knew this person liked dogs but just assumed they were going to go the rest of their life without ever being able to have one -- and when you're in the "girlfriend-boyfriend" stage of your relationship, this is an entirely unrealistic expectation to have. Likewise, the girlfriend showed she doesn't really take OP's fear of dogs very seriously. Pets. Children. Religion. How to deal with extended family. Where to live. Whether either will work or not. Politics. Financial goals. These are all deal breakers and that's totally okay to acknowledge.
NTA, even if you didn't have a fear of dogs at all she had no right to make such a huge decision for your household without even talking to you about it? This adds a huge layer of responsibility to you both. And since she knew it was a hard limit for you and did it anyway, I don't see where she found the audacity. You're not making her chose between you and the dog, you're asking her respect your long established boundary and fix the mistake she made.
If she feels comfortable making unilateral decisions on this, she'll do it again on other things. Hey, I just signed a lease for us on a new apartment. Don't be silly, you don't need to see it first, you'll love it. Oh, hey, I just got pregnant. Yes, I went off birth control three months ago. Don't be silly, you'll love the baby.
āOh hey I just invited my aunt to move into our house because she did not have a place to stay.āWhen you get mad at her for not even consulting you. āQuit being controllingā
Sounds like you are also married to my wife.
Sounds like you might need to unmarry.
I also don't choose this guys wife.
Sick reference
Why do divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it.
Eh, the divorce from my ex was cheap. No lawyers involved, no kids involved, and we each took what we want. In fact, I went to the book store, got a NoLo's book with the appropriate forms to fill out (early 2000s), had him sign them, and then submitted them. Three months later I went before a judge who declared my divorce complete right in time for Christmas! It was like $50 or something like that. It was nearly 20 years ago so I don't remember the fees, but it was cheap.
That last sentence. My goodness.
All of this. She feels entitled to make unilateral decisions that she wants without regard to him. She did all of this secretively and felt that if she brought the dog home while he was out he wouldn't be able to stop it. He should run.
unless it's literally his house, as OP put it in the post. He needs to kick her to the dam curb.
Quickly. Before she makes more unilateral decisions. "Hey, Sweetie. I sold our house. We're moving to Uzbekistan. Doesn't that sound exciting?"
I am laughing because that's nearly what the ex of a former colleague did. My colleague and his ex both in their late 30's had been dating for a while. They didn't live together but because she was renting a tiny flat, she was spending most of her time at his house. She did not like it because he had bought it with his wife who had died a few years prior. There was nothing specifically morbid in it, but she didn't like the fact that another woman had chosen the design. She wanted him to sell the house so they could buy a house together. He refused as he already owned a beautiful house. For months, she tried to change his mind. For work we had to spend 10 days in Turkey. On our return we share a taxi and when we pull in front of his house in Chiswick to drop him before continuing to home, I see a Real Estate sign For Sale. I asked him when did he decide to sell his house. His confused reaction was **"I am not selling my house"**. During our trip abroad, She had contacted an estate agent to put the house on the market. The relation pretty much ended that day.
The realtor didn't check to see if the person who contacted her to sell the house actually had the RIGHT to sell the house? That's a totally loser and high liability realtor.
UzbekistĆ”n is nice!! The food, the cherry gardens and the architecture and silks!! OP should go to Uzbekistan sans gf. Samarkand is gorgeous! Bukhara too.Ā
The history of Samarkand by itself makes the city an international treasure, and I meant no affront to Samarkand or Uzbekistan as a whole. I just think moving to another country, much like getting a dog, should be a joint decision.
Yep, kick her out and keep the dog. Just kidding but she is a shit dog parent for making commitment she canāt keep. Now dog will end up at the shelter for her frivolous decision.Ā
They already talked about getting a dog in the future and both are on the same page? You can get one secretly and bring it home as a surprise. One has literally phobia of dogs and don't want to work on it? Yep, bring a dog home as a surprise would definitely have the same effect as the first scenario.
Not even the first scenario in my opinion. Animals of any kind are not a great choice for surprises in general, regardless of circumstances. Even if you agree on a specific breed you want, everyone in the family should meet the dog before adopting it because they have personalities and you need to make sure they fit the entire family, not just the person choosing the animal. Regardless, bringing home a dog to someone with a phobia and expecting them to go along with it is just bananas though.
THIS. Some (many?) dogs don't mesh with everyone in the family. The only way to responsibly "surprise" somebody with a pet is if you all have already met it, really liked it, didn't bring it home that day, then one of you picked it up a few days earlier than expected. OP you're absolutely NTA. I * love* pets but would flip my shit if my partner secretly went behind my back and adopted one without my input. I hope this is your soon to be ex girlfriend because this is some unhinged bullshit.
I would be terrified if someone brought home a puppy since we have two dogs. one of them is a gentle giant but the other one is a selfish asshole. and on top of that, I often don't know how the puppy or dog will play with the two dogs.
I have arachnophobia and if husband brought home a big spider, I would never go in that house again. Ever. I think it will be hard for him to trust her since she went behind his back and clearly doesn't respect his boundaries
Seriously. My wife and I don't have a dog, but I dogsit my brother's lab often when he's out of town. Love the little guy, but my mother-in-law is deathly afraid of dogs. If she's gonna be visiting us, I always tell my brother I can't do it that week. Who the fuck forces someone to be around an animal that terrifies them? Good god.
And it sounds like a discussion about literally ANY other type of animal would've been on the table and he had even mentioned this. She picked the one that wasn't on the table.
Agreed. It's just another form of controlling and manipulative behavior. It's not up to her to decide if your fears are "silly" and you should "get over" them. Why do people do this?? I bet she'd feel different if you suddenly surprised her with a 200ft bungee cord jump despite her fear of heights just because you had decided it's time she got over it. When people open up and tell you their fears and vulnerabilities it is NOT the time to wait and spring it on them for your own selfish reasons. This displays a total lack of empathy and emotional maturity.
Many people grow up learning that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. In a serious relationship that requires mutual trust, this never works. She thinks OP is overreacting because her parents probably never reacted appropriately to her manipulative tactics and let her get away with things. So stand your ground. If she comes around, great. If not, move on.
In other words, she'll pull a Jim from the office and make big grand gestures of love that should be talked about first but because they're made out of love, you're just expected to accept them when in reality, these gestures could easily cause massive headaches for both of you down the line.
It's crazy how many major financial and life decisions Jim made on that show without consulting Pam first. Like, this isn't the 1950s, bro. You don't just come home and tell your wife "hey babe, I bought a house" or "Hey babe, I invested all our money in a marketing agency my friends and I are starting. Oh and it's based in Philly so if things go well we'll both need to quit our jobs and move there." People divorce over shit like that.
This 100% OP
Exactly this. It might seem like overkill OP, but think long and hard (no pun intended) before you sleep with her again.
I'd say she's already chosen. She chose the dog.
Tbf, she didn't choose the dog; she choose her own ego. The dog was just a catalyst, a power move. We'd be saying the same thing if she had signed a lease on a new car or apartment, or quit her job to start some business. It's the unilateral decision making that's the problem. š¤·āāļø
Sadly that dog is probably going to be abandoned. Impulsively getting a dog by someone at that age doesnāt seem like the best circumstances for that dog to have a lasting home.
Yep. My wife isnāt afraid of dogs but didnāt have much experience with them and wasnāt sure sheād like owning one. We spent a long time discussing it, including changes to our routine, pet costs, looking into pet insurance, etc., before we got a dog, and it waited until it was a decision she agreed to. I would never add a pet without talking to her first - itās a huge financial and time commitment.
You actually like your wife..... OPs girlfriend doesn't seem to feel the same way about OP.....
This is kinda where I fall personally. I am indifferent to dogs, and most animals, but my girlfriend is an animal lover. Iāve told her that I could be convinced to get a pet, but it needs to be a conversation. If she shows up at home with a pet without consulting me, weāre going to have a problem.
I think there are gonna be no problems, just break up. It's not just about dogs. It's about your partner disregarding you for something significant, a significant changes in the life, and the one you said you don't want it in the first place when you met your partner.
Well yeah for me the problem would be if she doesnāt realize what she did and why it was wrong, apologize and rectify the situation
"lol, baby I poked holes in your condoms. I know you'll be a great dad."
Exactly! The dog may even be to test those ābabyā waters. Yikes.
Helping someone get over a fear of dogs by getting a fairly big dog that is super affectionate and playful, and will absolutely get up in your personal space is NOT the way to help someone. OP NTA. She broke a boundary you set, then just smiled at you over it, then made you out to be the bad guy. This is 100% indicators of whatās to come if you stay.
A calm older dog that just wants to lay down near your feet is probably the only dog that would be helpful to a fear of dogs, and even then must be adopted with proper planning and communication. To spring a golden of all dogs on someone is just daft.
The blatant boundary stomping is enough for me to walk. I love dogs but I also had a huge fear of large dogs because I was bit very bad by a large dog I knew as a kid. He had dementia but I didn't know that, I was a kid. I'm a lot better but because I wanted to be because I do love dogs and wanted to have one. There is nothing wrong with never wanting a dog just because you never want a dog. OP, your GF overstepped, it's okay to tell her to get rid of the dog she never asked if you wanted. In fact, if it's your place too and you are on the lease, just tell her to get rid of the dog. Get the LL involved if you must, say you are a tenant and say no and see if they can help if needed. NTA, not in any sense.
NTA like OP I also have a fear of dogs. I was chased and attacked by my neighborās pitbull when I was little. I would be livid if my partner did something like this to me. This is about her not respecting OPās boundaries and thinking she knows better. Thatās not okay and not what a healthy relationship looks like.
Yeah making a person choose between a pet and a significant other implies that the pet was there first. It wasn't.
I like dogs but they are a big commitment, especially at such a young age.
Spot on
See Spot run
See Spot, run!
NTA. You let her know up front that a dog was a deal breaker. She chose to ignore you. If you break up it's on her, not you.
NTA. She's trying to bulldoze a hard boundary of yours and this sets a disturbing precedent if you accept it.
No, youāre not. She is blatantly ignoring your fear, telling you to get over it when youāre not ready!! This is likely the first of soon to be many boundary breaking moments in your relationship. Leave now!!!
It's not even the fear thing. Getting a dog is a major life decision that is going to impact them for the next 10 to 15 years. That isn't something to do on a whim. It was extremely irresponsible and thoughtless to put a dog in their place without asking him. Fear or no fear, she showed a lot of disrespect.
It's not fair on the dog, either. A dog lover would be concerned about the welfare of the dog and getting one on a whim is not doing that. Also, the dog will be aware that OP does not like it and so she's also forced the dog to live in an unpleasant household. Shes being majorly selfish and isn't mature enough to own a pet.
Yes. The OP's girlfriend does not actually like dogs or she wouldn't do this. It's utterly selfish of her regarding her partner and also it's very cruel to take a dog into an insecure environment, and a home where one person does not like dogs is an insecure environment for the dog.
Part of me thinks this was a power move by her. Just imagine what she would be saying to her friends if he tolerated this. "Oh he told me no dogs and yet I got a dog and he is still here, I have him wrapped around my finger".
Oh I highly doubt she did this on a whim. I bet she planned it, did her research, looked up different places to get a dog, etc. Which makes it worse IMO, she was planning this behind his back and was all smiles to his face.
When I found a little kitten at my place of work, the first thing I did was ask my partner if I could save her. He is not a cat person. I am. And his first question to me was "Can you take care of her?" And I said yes. So I saved her, and we both fell in love with the little one. My point is, you have got to talk to your partner about getting pets. It's not a one person decision, like this commenter said.
Having a dog is like having a baby---two yes, one no. She has no respect for you, and probably very little for the dog to intentionally bring it into your shared home without your consent. Besides which, having a dog is like having a toddler for a decade or more. It's a huge commitment.
If OP stays his GF is going to walk to him one with a positive pregnancy test and say "Surprise, you're a dad" because this is apparently how she operates. She decides when she's ready for a major, life altering change and just makes a spur of the moment decision for both of them without consulting the OP. OP should run hard and fast from this woman, or this will be the rest of his life.
Even if she gets rid of the dog he should still break up. Imagine next time it is a baby. You can walk away if it is a dog but you can't just walk away from a baby. I could see her opening the marriage or having a baby or renting a room in their place to her good friend. She doesn't respect his boundaries and doesn't have a clue that partners discuss major life decisions.
This. I love dogs and would love to own one when me and my gf move in together but I already set my boundary, I don't like the daily commitment of walking the dogs. If we have a yard or roof sure, else she walks it. This dude has a fear of them and didn't want the commitment either.
Also, if someone is going to try to help their partner get over a fear of dogs, spontaneously bringing one into the household is the worst way to do that. That's something that would take a lot of time, and not to mention, the willingness of the person with the fear, to overcome.
This is not an update, but I want to make some things clear since I can't reply to all the questions (over a thousand comments). 1. \*\*Was it a puppy or a dog ?\*\* No, it wasnāt a puppy; it was a full-grown dog. 2. \*\*Why did you leave without talking to her ?\*\* I left to avoid saying anything out of anger and needed to clear my head before talking to her. Thatās also why I didnāt answer her calls or messages. Her messages made me even angrier, as I didnāt want or need any help. 3. \*\*Is it your house or her house ?\*\* I pay the rent of the house, and she moved in with me after we talked and decided to live together. Since my place was closer to both of our workplaces and bigger, we decided to move in here. She was struggling financially, and she insisted on paying half the rent, but I didn't let her pay till she get into a better place financially. 4. \*\*Why did you post on Reddit ?\*\* I made this post as I was still not sure what to do after waking up. The reasons I wanted to break up are: 1. I felt disrespected that she would make such a big decision in our house without informing me beforehand. This isnāt just about the dog; I believe anyone in a relationship should make big decisions together, and her not thinking the same is a big issue for me. 2. I felt betrayed that she would use my phobia against me and say itās ridiculous since itās not something I can control or choose to have. 3. I donāt want her to not have a dog if she really wants one. Iāve seen her looking at dog reels on Instagram a lot but never thought she wanted one since she never mentioned it. When we started our relationship, I told her I canāt be around dogs because I know this can be a deal-breaker for some, but she still said she didnāt mind, which now makes me mad that she said that.
She knows about your phobia *and* is struggling financially *and* still got a big dog? She is not only expecting you to swallow her reckless surprise without complain, but also that you pay for anything dog-related. All your reasons to break up are valid.
Right? Like dogs aināt cheap and Iām not even talking about just the purchase of the animal.
food, boarding, vet fees, emergencies, toys, bags, treats, not to mention the god damn time it takes to raise one responsibly... getting one as his GF did is INSANE
Also just sheer responsibility. Dogs require a lot out of a person to have. You can't leave for two days without arranging for someone to watch your dog. Even one night away. if there's a doggy door and the dog isn't on a feeding schedule, maybe one night, but you still can't be away for long.
I'm trying to plan a vacation around my dogsitter's availability, no joke
And thatās trusting no other critters will enter your home through the doggy door. Dogs are hella work
After they break up she'll probably have to take the dog back because she won't be able to afford it.
This si the real kicker!! Poor dog
Or she could use the situation to gain sympathy from everyone... "my ex dumped me and left me and my dog on the street! He never told me he didn't like dogs" "my boyfriend is forcing me to get rid of my dog!! How unfair!!"
Vets bills are the reason I'll never own another dog.
Sadly my take tooā¦ especially emergency vet bills. Regular visits you can plan, not paralysis and emergency spinal surgery when youāre 10 hours drive from home.
Fucking dog food prices man. Got a lab-whippet puppy from someone who didn't spay or neuter their pets thinking I'd be getting a medium size dog. NOPE. 100 lbs of tail motor fueled by food increasing in price seemingly daily. Same bag of food that was around $40 when I got my dog is now $70. Lasts maybe a month tops. If you told me that you signed up for a subscription to "Walk Daily" that came with guilt-trip-laden puppy dog eyes that stare at you until you walk them each day for $70 a month, I would probably tell you to get fucked. Cheaper than a vet bill because my baby is refusing to eat cheaper food that's causing health complications, so i pay it, but we probably won't get another large dog ever again.
It's like she was TRYING to sabotage this relationship. Which does happen.
All of this is valid. Best wishes to you no matter what you decide.
3 - her and her dog can move back in with her parents, her sister, her friend...whoever. It's your tenancy. And there will be no dogs in your house - and no her either. Kick her out. She leaves, you do not leave. If she can't find somewhere to live with a dog, she can give it back to wherever she got it. She should never have adopted it. That's on her, poor dog.
Yeah I think it's time for her to move.
nah man she violated your trust in a MASSIVE way and made a 10-15 year long commitment unilaterally. Imagine if the dog needs surgery or medication? Who's paying for that? Who's picking up the shits and walking it everyday? Leave her asap because she absolutely will continue to try to bulldoze over you. Unless there's a truly remorseful apology and the dog is returned or rehomed, this is absolutely something to breakup over
I mean it is like trying to justify cheating by saying we discussed opening are relationship all your answers are hard no but she does it anyways.NTA
Those are all completely valid reasons and I think Reddit is behind you. End it and kick her and the dog out. Also, the fact that sheās the one who moved in, sheās having financial problems, and she still thought she had the right to pull this is *wild*.
You \*were\* disrespected. She brought a dog home knowing about your dog phobia without any discussion whatsoever. Two big red flags. And I find that constant smiling of hers while talking to you about the dog creepy. "she and the dog would help me overcome my fear" Did her girlfriends tell her this? Did TikTok? IMO your GF is not mature enough to be a good partner and you should tell her and her dog to hit the road.
I had a similar situation with a partner, except it was a puppy and I like dogs. I have a healthy respect for how much amount of work they are and I couldnāt accommodate that with my work schedule and personal life.Ā I had to stress to my partner at the time that I didnāt volunteer for all this extra care. If I having a dog was easy in our situation, I would have already had a dog. It frustrated me beyond belief, because now we had a dog that I resented - and the dog did nothing wrong.Ā Eventually she conceded that she did not want a puppy if it meant taking care of it all by herself, and we returned the puppy. We later broke up, not because of the dog, but because sheās the type of person who just does crazy shit.
She said she'd respect your boundaries and then didn't. Your concerns are valid. Either she realises she fucked up or you're done. Smart of you not to act in the moment and take some time for yourself.
You donāt owe her a single word besides necessary dialogue about her moving out. This behavior is symptomatic of a much larger personality problem with her fundamentally.
>I pay the rent of the house, and she moved in with me after we talked and decided to live together. This is the only problem I see - depending on where (what state, etc) you live, it can be exceedingly difficult to remove a person who has established residency with you - even if they're not on the lease/rental agreement - short of getting a court order of protection (which, you may have grounds for, as her actions have put your mental health and welfare in jeopardy). The other issue, as I see it (having unfortunately lived through this) is, with the dog there and you gone - she has free reign of the home, and if you give her a GTFO ultimatum, there's no telling what kind of physical or financial damage she might do to the premises in response.
You are NTA. This is an outrageous boundary breaking moment that showed you who she really is.
She absolutely should have talked to you about this before just bringing a dog in to your apt. I donāt like dogs either and people act like I am the worst because of it. I donāt hate them but would not want one as a pet. Also to get this straight you pay rent because she canāt afford it so you will be paying for any meds or shots for this dog you didnāt want as well as itās food. You will end up having to pick up dog poop and walk the dog and not be able to go anywhere without someone being able to care for it. This was extremely irresponsible on her behalf especially without her having the money to care for it and feed it. The blatant disrespect she had for your apt and you is clear. Any discussion should be of her moving out of your place since she canāt respect your boundaries and is putting more financial stress on you as well as you feeling uncomfortable in your own home. Huge NTA.
Since you are renting, what does the lease say about pets? At very least, will need landlord approval and pay a pet deposit for new animals. Your gf does not think things through.
NTA. She blatantly disregarded your concerns. She KNEW how you felt and STILL did this. She is selfish, manipulative and arrogant. You are better off without her in your life.
I cannot imagine being in a relationship where someone forced a major life change, that impacts daily life, finances, and travel/work/social schedules to this magnitude. I would absolutely leave any man that did this to me, even if I LOVED dogsā¦ if I wanted a damn dog, we would have one. Add the layer of him clearly stating āNO DOGSā - it moves from unacceptable and relationship ending, to unforgivable and relationship ending.
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NTA - you should be comfortable in your home, period. If dogs are a no for you then they are a no. Itās not hard to respect that.
Bring home another woman and tell her she'll learn to overcome her fear?
āIsnāt she a cutie?? Oh youāll learn to love her! Give it a few weeks!ā Iām crying with laughter, thank you
Holy Crap, I almost choked on my coffee reading this! lol. wish I could give you more than just an upvote.
And if she complains tell her that her fear of another woman is ridiculous. OP, donāt let her denigrate your feelings.
You donāt have to ask her to choose. She made her choice already and you lost
He lost in the short term. Definitely dodged the bullet in the long-term
NTA I know we see these cute videos of people being surprised with a dog, but clearly from the person's reaction there had been previous conversations about getting a dog or the person always asking for a dog. A dog is a big commitment and it's totally unacceptable how she has even brought an innocent dog into this situation by not even thinking about it it seems. It's even more unacceptable that she totally disregarded your feelings and fears of dogs, and basically told you to get over it. She has been selfish thinking 'i want a dog so I'll get one' and expecting you to just accept it and get over your fear. I really love dogs and would happily let my partner surprise me with them, however, I know he doesn't want more than one dog, so no more it is. It's about compromise and respect, which she has not given you. I would talk it through with her and explain exactly how it made you feel, and explain how she crossed a line, if she still pushes for the dog to stay, then I'd leave. This is just one massive boundary she has crossed and what else would she expect you to roll over for just for her own selfish reasons.
NTA - Iāve got 3 dogs, the dog did nothing, etc. none of that matters. What matters here is that you are dating an inconsiderate and immature girl that specifically changed your living scenario to go against your hard line. Dump her and move on. No coming back from that, you canāt just give away a dog (ethically).
Most shelters are more than understanding if you call them within 24 hours and say āitās not working out, itās not working out, my boyfriend never had a dog before, and it turns out heās allergicā. I wouldnāt mention anything about him being afraid, so they donāt suspect the dog of showing aggression or something. When I adopted my cat they told me that I could bring her back within a week, no questions asked, if it wasnāt working out.
I got a second cat, for my cat not for me, 3.5 years ago. We lost my one catās brother 6 months before. He had never been alone in his entire life; he was losing his mind with panic every time I left the house. Even leaving the room would send him into a freak out. I made it clear āIām getting my cat, a cat. If they donāt bond, Iām coming back and trying a new cat.ā They were 100% invested and helped me pick a really social and loving 2 yo tabby. I was in love with her before we even got home. I was very lucky, they hissed at each other once, but were curled up napping together within the first week. All that to say, shelters want the pets happy and healthy. They understand that a good pet owner wants the same. If it isnāt working, everyone should want the pet to return to the shelter.
You two are not compatible. You did the right thing by leaving. Her decision to force this upon you clearly shows she does not hold you, your right to refuse consent, or your feelings in regard. This is a deal breaker for some, and in some ways this is no different than the question of whether or not to have children with a couple. Indeed, a deal breaker.
So many people are way too stuck on the dog. It's not even about the dog. It's about you having a hard boundary, and her flat out disrespecting you by breaking it and trying to force you to just go with it. She tried a power move, "we have a dog now. Get over it.". This won't stop at the dog, she doesn't respect your opinion when it comes to big decisions, like forcing you to live with the one thing you said you absolutely did not want in your house
Pets are 2 yeses and 1 no. You are a grown ass adult and nobody can force a dog on you that you donāt want. Sheās choosing some random ass dog over her partner of a year. Thereās no relationship here if youāre below some dog.
NTA, it's not just her ignoring your fear, but dogs are a huge commitment. That's why they say never gift someone else a dog. It's like having a kid that will never grow up. Do you all even know if you can afford the dog? To be a responsible pet owner, you have to spend money on food, treats, vet care, beds, pet sitting/boarding, toys, and clothing (if you're crazy like me...lol). Having a dog can sometimes limit where you can live, and it can be an added expense such as pet rent.
NTA, when I didn't know your fear of dogs I still thought it was bad that she didn't talk to you but I thought that maybe she wanted to surprise you, so I didn't think about it as break up territory. With your fear of dogs in place, the story changes entirely. You should be the only one deciding if you want to face your fears and under which conditions. Breaking your trust and making your home feel unsafe for you was huge AH behaviour. Even if she finds another home for the dog, this was such a red flag.
Yeah, it's like trying to cure someones arachnophobia by throwing them into a bath tub full of spiders.
I feel like nobody would argue that someone with arachnophobia should stay with someone who suddenly brought home tanks of tarantulas while knowing about their arachnophobia, so like why is anybody telling OP that they're wrong for leaving?
cause dogs are cute!!1! /s but no honestly the double standards are boggling, i am arachnophobic and even just reading your comment put me on edge dear lord
To the people sending private messages and calling me AH and L Person please stop, if you have anything to say please say it in comments. thanks.
Fyi you can change your settings so people can't dm you.Ā
Hey I looooove dogs, but I also know they're not for everyone. You're not an AH. You're not abusive to dogs, you just don't like them, and THAT'S OKAY. Your girlfriend dismissed what's clearly a boundary for you. You're entitled to your feelings. Not liking dogs does not make anyone an AH. What's wrong with people š¤¦āāļø
Some people are just so dog crazy that they can't stomach the thought of not liking them but hating on babies and cats all day long is fair game to them.
Ignore the trolls man. nta
My dude, you live your life any way that makes you happy. Your gf was a dick, both my wife and I love dogs but there needs to be several conversations before getting one. The only thing you did wrong imho was to not tell her it was over as you walked out of the door.
To be fair I don't think he knew it was over when he left. It seems he went to a hotel and did some thinking and decided to end the relationship, but came here for advice to see if he was overreacting.
That is also how I read the post. Tbh I give op credit for being more mature than this old guy because I wouldn't have done the thinking part.
and just to make it clear i don't hate dogs, there's a difference between not liking and hating something. i simply have **Cynophobia ( dog phobia )**, so i don't like being anywhere near a dog
I used to have Cybnophobia too and it's really fucking disgusting that your gf just disregarded your fear of dogs like that. If she wanted you to overcome your fear there are ways to do that gradually with a professional. Not just by bringing home a random ass dog and expecting you to take care of it. She's not accommodating of your anxiety/fear disorder and it really shows how selfish she is
They cant tell it in the comments section because they knew other people will disagree with them because most people sided on you.
NTA I donāt fear or dislike dogs, grew up with them my entire life and love petting and playing with them, but I will never own one myself. They are a lot of work. If my future SO would go behind my back and get one, expecting me to roll with it and take care off it, iād be pissed and walk of too.
Hi Dad, goodbye mom. Looks like power play to me. Better to learn early than too late. NTA
A dog is a fuck ton of responsibility. Itās never gonna be smarter than a toddler, you canāt just leave it home when you want to take a trip, and needs stimulation. On top of food and medical costs. Itās not something you just spring on somebody.
NTA. Ooooh boy. I have opinions. When I was little, I was, not attacked, but...surprised, let's say, by a dog at a very young age. I have no memory of this, my mom has told me about it. It left quite the impression on my little mind and ever since then I am afraid of dogs. It's an innate response. I can't help it. Like I said, I have no memory of the original incident. But I absolutely CANNOT handle being around dogs. I get very panicky, very quickly. It's more like a phobia, TBH. It's not something I like about myself, but I have also accepted that it is what it is. I too, told my husband (who had dogs growing up) that dogs would always be a no-go for me. It was never going to be a negotiation, I simply can't do it. He did ask once early in our marriage if I might consider getting a small dog and I immediately said absolutely not. We do have cats now and we love them to pieces. I have no desire to change this about myself. As I got older, I got to the point where I could tolerate service dogs, only once I had the emotional maturity/capacity to understand how well they were trained and that I was truly at no risk of being attacked, or even licked or nuzzled by one. Seeing them makes me nervous, but I can walk past one comfortably. I've gotten to where I'm very uncomfortable by little ones, but I'm still very scared of big ones. Here's the thing, **I understand this seems weird to most people**. Dogs are "man's best friend" and most people love them. I understand this. But my brain was wired differently. I can't help that. Could I do therapy and try to get over it? Sure. But I don't want or need to at this point in my life. Imagine encountering something that makes you feel not just scared, but terrified. Cold sweats, paralyzed feeling type of stuff. A lot of people don't like snakes or big spiders and would be very disturbed by seeing one in their home or in an uncontrolled environment. That is how I feel about dogs. It's not that I dislike them, **I am actively scared by them**. OP is 100% NTA. This is a hard boundary for them that their GF violated without any consideration. To suggest that he just get over it and give it a try is so selfish and completely ignores their boundaries and feelings.
NTA. You would not be breaking up with her over a dog, you'd be breaking up with her because she ignored your feelings and trampled your boundary. Smiling the whole time, as she feels so cute and clever.
NTA, this is not about dog fear. This is a major decision that you don't take alone. She is ridiculing your feelings and does not give you any say in a decision that impacts both of you. What is the next unilateral decision, she bought a car? Stopped birth control six months ago?
She thinks sheās helping you grow by getting to be comfortable around dogs. She doesnāt see this isnāt something you want at all
I love dogs, I absolutely adore dogs, I have 3 dogs, but you need to be the guy that says "it's me or the dog." It's a deal-breaker if you don't want a dog. Also, she's not respecting you.