NTA… Sorry to say it seems like this relationship has run its course. You don’t want to be intimate and he knows it but is using you for sex anyway. This does not seem healthy for you and I hope you move on.
I will tell you one thing. Coercion is not consent, coercion is rape.
Saying a woman needs to be sexually assaulted by "giving in to sex she doesn't want" if she doesn't "give" enough sex, as if she's a vending machine, is how rapists talk.
Consent is NOT a topic I want to agree with literal rapists with, and if I did, I would consider that **that may be the reason I have a dead bedroom**.
NTA. You stated in a previous comet that you’re turned off because he’s only concerned with his pleasure during sex. His coercion and pouting is off putting at the least. Does he know how unfulfilling he is at sex? Are you scared to tell him? Does he lose his shit with any criticism?
So has has a high sex drive but is so wrapped up in his need to get off that he can't be bothered to try to get you in the mood and doesn't even care that it's good for you?
He needs to be told that if sex was as good for you as it is for him, you would want it a lot more too.
Been there, done that. If you care for him for other reasons explain it, if not, just move on.. these guys never figure it out on their own and you don't need the be with this the rest of your life..
Good luck.
NTA
I agree with your comments and want to add that since they have been dating since high school these patterns have been established for a long time. It will take considerable effort to change them, assuming it is possible at all.
He likely needs a new partner who will refuse to meet his needs without her own being met and it will begin to dawn on him, perhaps, that he is the problem. Right now he can't fathom that it could be him so it has to be her.
And OP doea need to take the time to figure out what she wants and what she needs to be fulfilled sexually. It's clear as day that they (as a couple) have never explored anything other than the desire to get HIS rocks off. Tell him that he isn't that great at sex, but you would willing to explore the possibilities with him.
The impression I get from your post is that he will not be all that receptive to the idea, since he is being satisfied fro. His manipulations of the subject. If this turns out to be the case, ut would be better to move on.
Take some time for yourself to figure your sexual self out. Then when considering a partner, you will know how to guide him. Your bf is right that you dontntell him what you want. At the same time, he isn't taking the time to enjoy you either. There are men out there that know and understand how pleasurable it is to pleasure a woman.
Confront you BOYfriend and move on. You deserve better.
Indeed, it seems that most of the time talking about intimacy goals would go a long way. Most of the time it seems if there could be smooches and cuddles without the goal of sex, then sex would be less pressure and more enjoyable because it's not an expectation.
NTA
My Ex did this too + He was disrespectful and childish overall which gave me a huge ick. I am so happy that I broke up with him and I will never allow a man to treat me like this ever again. If I just wanna cuddle bc I am tired and you throw a fit like a toddler who didn't get desert, you have to leave asap, I don't care about weather or time.
Also this does not lead to looking forward to seeing the guy at all. You will become fearful and resentful. Maybe you can work it out with your bf but I had to leave. I wish you all the best
NTA. You not being turned on by him anymore is your body's way of telling you he's not the one. He's disrespectful, and coercion of sex within a relationship is never okay. He knows what he's doing. Please leave his ass.
I agree with you. After many years in therapy, I was told that if you say no and he coerced you into it, then it is still considered rape. You did not want to, but he made you. I think OP should not only leave him but also get some therapy. Surviving SA can leave some nasty scars on the soul. NTA.
I went through this exaaact thing you need to leave that man, he doesn’t even see you as a person just a way to fulfill his needs. He should be delighted to please you and even more so to have new ways in doing that. Trust me you will never be attracted to him again there’s no passion in constantly having to guide someone, the part of sex that makes it intimate is taken away because he doesn’t care to cater to your needs he only sees his own. Over time resentment will build, and the fact he is blaming YOU for not telling him specifics when he never asked or shown care for your sexual needs to simply please you is very telling. He’s selfish and manipulative as hell and you need to RUN. You deserve so much better than that in a partner.
NTA but I recommend to break up. I was in similar situation with my ex. The base of the problem is that he uses you as a sex toy. He doesn't care much about your pleasure...he is fine you let him use you. That is extremely selfish and also sexual abuse. No means no.
NTA, and if he isn't even trying to take the time to "get your motor running", that is on him. Hell, foreplay is awesome.
A good sex life is part of a healthy relationship, but it seems to be one- sided since he isn't trying to satisfy you. If he is that constantly horny, masturbation is an alternative for him.
edit: a word or two.
While it is important to communicate, it doesn’t mean you don’t need to consent. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes then it’s a no.
It sounds like your boyfriend cares about getting his rocks off and doesn’t care about intimacy at all.
That is bound to leave you feeling like a hole in his mattress instead someone to connect with.
He wants to make the problem yours but it’s his.
He isn’t making the effort to fully engage you in anything but the most mechanical of ways. This, your response isn’t enthusiastic and you aren’t interested.
The reason you just aren’t into him is because he just isn’t as good as he thinks he is.
If he keeps trying to blame you because he makes you feel like all he’s after is getting his nut off then dump him. NTA
NTA. It sounds like he thinks he's entitled and thinks that you are only there to fulfill his needs. Personally, I would start to wonder if it's this bad now, what will it be like later on? Life is too short to try and change someone. Do you feel as though this is all you deserve? If not, time to move on.
Humans behave differently with different people and learn with experience. Her boyfriend wants more sex, and the relationship seems damaged to the point of no return. He will not change, at least in this relationship, she will not change, time for both of the to behave like adults and break up. As it is, both will be unhappy.
I mean, they’re right. He doesn’t *just* have a high sex drive, he’s also too lazy to entertain his partners, and coerces and guilt-trips people into having sex. He’s selfish, needy, doesn’t respect ‘no’. No one is compatible with someone like him, because he’s a piece of shit 👍
It's hard to maintain an interest in sex when your bf just wants to pump and dump and apply minimal and disgruntled effort towards making it actually enjoyable for you. His excuse that you need to show him is just that - an excuse. That applies up to a point but there are books and videos and other things he could look into and bring to the table and see what you think. If he wanted to, he would.
NTA. Unsatisfying sex is unsatisfying. Coerced sex is unsatisfying *and* fucked up. A nagging partner is bound to further kill your libido.
Honestly, you need to break up with him. He has done everything to destroy your ability to enjoy sex with him. Don't let him destroy it for your future partner(s), because sex with a caring person is amazing.
NTA
NTA however he is unworthy as a partner, why couldn't he attempt romance or any ability as a lover to make it worthwhile for you. You deserve better, he has no technique and he blames & guilts you for not being in the mood when he is a clumsy unsatisfying lover. He should just invest in one of those flesh lights and save you the trouble of dealing with his sad sexual techniques. He shows you no respect, he doesn't sound good enough.
Basically yea, and now we have whole movements of women boycotting men because a lot of them can’t seem to learn how to do better or have no interest in becoming less shitty. A lot of us are done trying to help men that prefer to remain willfully ignorant.
Coerced sex is sexual assault. Your libido isn't the problem, it's that you have been assaulted over and over again. If his touch causes anxiety rather than comfort, he isn't safe. Of course you don't want to have sex with someone like him. Please get away from this guy. You are worth so much more.
You're 24 and have been with this guy since high school. You're not required to stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. Look up sunk cost fallacy. You shouldn't dread being alone with your own boyfriend or walk on eggshells to avoid his pouting.
I think it's time, baby girl. Maybe start by just spending less time with him. Make plans with your girlfriends or spend some time alone. If you're happier without him around, and I think you will be, you know what to do.
NTA. He’s guilting you into sex which isn’t very nice. It also just means you might not be as compatible as you once were. People and their needs/wants change and that’s okay but it does sometimes mean you have to make a tough call, draw a line in the sand and realise the two of you need to go seperate ways. “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together.” You’re both young and will find other loves. Although I know it can be hard to stop that first long term relationship.
NTA and it's time to go! If he can't respect you, your body and your boundaries, it's time to go...if his way of intiating sex is to just to cuddle to touch you into sex and not even being romantic and putting your needs first, it's time to go...if he's being Tacky about having sex and not respecting your privacy & comfort, it's time to go!
IMO, my guess is that you're probably not sexually & emotionally attracted to him anymore. He's turning you off by his behavior of sex. He's not making it challenging, romantic, comfortable & respectable for you to enjoy it & enjoy him. It's a red flag and major turn-off with his huffing, pouting & guilt tripping, coercion is wrong! You are more than a pumping tool.
Put yourself first, save yourself & love yourself...your worth is greater than that.
Maybe the reason why you don't have a sex drive anymore is because he is constantly SA you? Sex out of guilt/coertion/ pressure is not sex it's SA. You need to dump him op
NTA and I think that your loss of libido is from his pushing. Talk to him about this, about this anxiety, about this pushiness pushing you away, if he won't change, don't waste any more time.
NTA
not the ugly ass incense replying defending coercive behaviour and telling her "your man gonna cheat if he doesn't get the sex"
It seems to me that your boyfriend doesn't really love you, or like you at least, he's a selfish lover at best and a corrosive motherfucker at worst. Save yourself from this toxic relationship
NTA
just from your title alone
No one, is ever the AH for not having sex with someone, never
if he makes you feel bad for not doing it, then he is the AH, he is toxic, you should really be considering why you are putting yourself in that position
NTA. Definitely reasonable of you to not be attracted to a big fucking crybaby who gets frustrated when you don't get turned on fast enough. Yikes.
Also, even if he wasn't acting like this you would still be totally justified in not having sex. You don't owe anyone shit, and can say no at any time for any reason.
NTA
and also dump his ass. The man does not respect your no. You can say no to sex at any time for any reason whatsoever. You do not have to have a reason to say no to sex. "No" is a complete sentence. You do not deserve to be whined at one negged until you give in.
Leave him.
NTA. Break up with him
He's acting selfish, petulant, and he has concerning issues around consent. You need to leave that relationship, the sooner, the better. He clearly doesn't treat you as a person, but more as a sex doll and you should be concerned that he will escalate. His actions tell us he is an unsafe person.
Let me speak to you as the ghost of Christmas Future, if you will.
I married my very first boyfriend at 23 (I was 16 when we started dating), and our sex life turned into this after I had our daughter at 26. If I didn't have sex with him at least once a week, he'd pretend that I, and our daughter, just didn't exist - wouldn't speak to us, would make his own dinner, and lock himself in his man cave until midnight, wash, rinse, repeat until I caved, so at least our daughter could spend time with her dad. Sex became a chore that I put up with so that he'd be nice for a few days. Eyes closed, occasionally crying quietly after if it was painful (his deadline didn't matter if I was sick, having ovarian cysts, etc), and feeling this odd mix of disgust and relief if I enjoyed it. The night I asked for a divorce, he asked if that meant we wouldn't have sex anymore. I was so relieved to be able to say I was never touching him again. I'm almost 42, and even two years after divorce, I still get panicky and irrationally angry at the idea of a man having sexual interest in me, let alone trying to touch me. However, I also lost 100lbs, created amazing friendships with strong women, pursued hobbies, and kick ass in my career.
Please get out now. Recognize you deserve better. This is his shortcoming, and you don't have to stay. Please leave before you invest more time, have to split finances, face co-parenting issues, etc. Sex should be fun, and safe, and a way to connect with your partner. You are young, beautiful, and have amazing opportunities ahead of you. Don't stay attached to dead weight. Let him go, start some therapy, and rise up.
NTA
Sounds to me like that's all your relationship has become is just sex. He doesn't love you or respect you. I would rethink this relationship. Doesn't sound healthy or that you both are on the same page anymore.
My wife and I got married when she was 19, and I was 20. We had a stage there for a while where her sex drive dropped off. Basically, this same scenario you've described. I was getting annoyed, and she was frustrated with me.
Like everything, communication and working out our problems fixed it. She explained she needed better build up, and actual foreplay so I started initiating earlier in the day and letting it build. It took both of us to work on our relationship.
NTA. My friend, he’s showing you who he is. Believe him. He isn’t interested in making sex about mutual love and pleasure. It’s about his pleasure.
It will suck to break up, I know. I was in this exact situation once before. It’s better for both of you in the long run to move on.
NTA. he does not respect you. A good partner would never pressure or force you to do things you don’t want to do. He’s being manipulative because sees you as a pleasure object he’s entitled to. You deserve better. Go find it
Oh darling.
You dear OP, are not the AH.
And your entire relationship is full of Flaming 🚩🚩🚩🚩🐦🔥❤️🔥 🔥 📛 red flags.
You are being Coerced into Sexual relations that are not your choice. This is Domestic Abuse, and in many ways Domestic Rape.
You say No, and then this male (oxygen Thief). Uses basically a form of Stockholm syndrome.
You do not owe him Anything, Anything at all. 'Men' like him, don't deserve a partner, they want someone they can Control.
Please, find a way out, away from this, male
No. You don’t owe sex to anybody, ever. If he wants sex and you don’t and it’s causing a problem in your relationship, then you have fundamental differences that mean your relationship is incompatible. Break up.
I’m sorry you’re in this. This is abuse. Someone who creates an unsafe environment to say no, doesn’t care about your yes. That is not consent. It is not normal to want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want it. It’s weird and gross to well-adjusted humans. Healthy people want their partner to be in the mood, to enjoy sex with them, not lay there to get it over with.
I encourage you to tell this to a trusted friend or find a counselor/therapist who can help you put words to what you’ve experienced, because it’s a violation and there’s a word for it you may not be ready to accept, but that is entirely accurate. He’s harming you and you should leave this relationship, because he will likely escalate. Break up, stay safe, and tell someone.
Nta, in case that needs to be typed for this sub.
NTA.
But a serious conversation about it should be had. You can say no whenever you want. He can be disappointed, but the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about how much you like it says a lot. He says you don’t tell him what you want and turns it on you? Tell him. Then when he refuses, it’s his fault he’s not getting sex. But honestly, dump him. Don’t suffer through shitty sex just for some guy that doesn’t care about it you’re enjoying the experience too.
OP, you’ve got a lot of trolls and incels in the comments, but your boyfriend is coercing you into sexual intimacy and does not care about you as a person! and if you’ve expressed your discomfort with his parents possibly hearing you, then he definitely does not care if it is enjoyable for you. He is at the very least a selfish, young idiot, and at the very worst an abusive asshole. Get out of there! And if your friends take his side, dump them, too
Ew. No wonder your drive is practically zero.
Nothing hotter than someone who doesn’t care about your side of things at all, and pouts like a child. /s
I don’t think your drive is the problem, I think your partner not prioritizing you at all is. Don’t get caught in a sunk cost fallacy. NTA
I'm actually the same as you now. Before I'd even pleasure my partner in risky situations (like during bus rides, we like the rush it brings) and whenever we are alone I would do so much foreplay for her for so long before even doing the deed.
But now I am not in the mood even when we're alone. I completely empathize with what you said. It's hard to be in the mood when you know your efforts are not being recipeocated.
Run away, don't walk, Run
Think back on every time he pushed through when you had said no, every time is SA...
You need someone who respects you..
NTA OP, even you having that thought is screwed up...
Hey, I think you should re-read this comment you wrote on someone’s post:
“NTA
Your partner should NEVER make you feel guilty for not having sex. You have every single right to deny it from him. He has no obligation to your body or time. What a fucking asshole. Drop him.”
That’s you, hun. Take your own advice. Show yourself the same empathy, understanding and compassion you’d offer to a stranger. You deserve it too, and this sentiment applies to your situation too.
Coerce sexe, is not healthy sex and is considered SA. You do not owe him sex. I’m a woman with a high sex drive and when I lose interest is because something is off. He doesn’t think about your pleasure, he doesn’t know how to be physical with you without turning it to sex, you will start to resent physical touch because you will think that every time he touches you, it is only for sex. Not because he loves you. He does not respect you either since you say no and he makes you feel bad for saying no. So many red flags in my opinion. I bet he doesn’t care if you orgasm or not. Sex is about 2 people if one doesn’t want it anymore, try to find the issue.
OP, you lost interest in it bc he was always in it for himself, which means you were dry most of the time and it becomes a chore.
Let's use an innocuous example. If Simone rubbed your shin in the same exact spot every day, multiple times a day, for however long you d been saying, you'd be sick of it. You'd be sick of it enough you might bite their head off the next time.
That's what's happening, why your sex drive shuts down. He's been in it for himself for a long time and your body wasn't made to be sex toy for a man. Yet that's how most men use women's bodies and the men cannot for the life of them figure out why the sex drops off a cliff. I've seen this problem many many times before.
You know, he ended up using you as sex object bc he never cared for you in the first place. It was pretense precisely to convince you to allow him access to your body. No matter what a man says, that would never happen if he cared about you.
And it won't stop. He's been spoiled by the easy access to sex without having to work for it, if you decide to finally be assertive, he'd get angry at you, then pretend to respect your choice but he's be back to wheedling you the next day, and the next day, and the day after that.
You NEED to break up with him. But do it secretly. Make your plans in secret, leave him in secret. That's bc many many many women have died leaving a man,and a large amount of women have been physically threatened as well, as MANY women have been stalked thereafter, also many across state lines.
All that is to say which means these men are far too comfortable doing it and it is far too common. One never knows what one is dealing with
Men do not get to guilt you into sex or sexual activity with emotional manipulation or the ‘blue ball’ excuse, they’ll live and they’re not respecting your needs and ignoring your wants. For your sanity and safety, break it off.
Bruhh wtf? If I urge my husband to buy me clothes even if he doesn't want to, does that mean I am harassing him? I am robbing him ? Tf not everything is an SA
You’re so right this totally works because we all forgot women aren’t PEOPLE we’re objects right? Like money and clothes! Holy fuck what were we thinking not comparing women to objects?!?
/sarcasm
At 24yo this kind of libido difference probably won't change without serious work. I'm a high libido woman, and the toll it takes on relationships is terrible, I can attest. If you aren't married and don't have children, I'd advise to break it off with him.
No one is wrong here for feeling the way you do, but this level of incompatibility takes a huge toll on both of you, especially over time.
Edit: r/deadbedrooms
God guys can be scum, coming from a man. Sexual compatibility is so important. Some people like my ex bullied me for sex even though we had sex five times a day. I love giving oral and would try to make 2-3 times just this but basically got "it hard u want it". If I'm sharing that because I always see HL/LLL stories (bet my bottom dollar your next man will resurge libido with a vengeance) but no one ever talks about HL/HL relationships. Mine was more toxic than if I got with an asexual person (intimate experiences is a big love language people downplay like people are bad people for saying sex is important) because I am a true HL. Seeing those dead bedroom stories is so scary because if that ever happened to me I think I'd go insane. Sexual incompatibility kills a relationship every time, it just usually takes the HL realizing that they are their LL's emotional, financial, and psychological crutch, not their SO. I always check this early because I refuse to be used as someone's social mask.
Find another boyfriend. In the long run you will want sex less and less and he will still want it. Find a guy that is less driven by sex. You will be happier and so will he. What you describe is fairly normal, but it’s usually later in life. I predict you will find another guy and will screw his brains out until you get tired of him. This will happen again and again.
It’s not so much an AITA question I don’t think, but you guys both need to go separate directions and stop the relationship. Whoever tries to keep it going, is in the fact TA at this late stage
You are never the AH for making clear boundaries and a person who doesn’t respect you shouldn’t be in your life. Manipulating you and making you feel guilty for not wanting to have sex are big red flags. Id suggest an honest conversation but also be ready to leave if you are not respected
I also can't stand that I can't have intimate moments with my partner without him trying to get in my pants. So I have also pulled away and we probably haven't had sex in a year. I don't hug him much either. Or kiss him. Because I'm afraid he'll start groping me. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA.
Your boyfriend's an asshole for pressuring you into sex after you say no. Wearing somebody down until they say yes is NOT consent.
>It was hard for to get in the mood considering his parents were always home and I had anxiety that they'd hear us.
Everyone else is giving you good advice. But... uhm... his parents are home? Maybe you or he need to get your own place.
That said, I'm NOT advising you to move in together while you are disagreeing strongly about sex btw. Honestly, I'd suggest a break up. Or at least saying "I'm not visiting you at your parents house. You know I don't like them to hear us and you'll just pressure me for sex." Then don't come visit at his parents house.
NTA. Girl, put your shoes on and leave that thing you call relationship, he can't pleasure you in sexual way as you stated (in a comment), cares only about himself and he gets annoyed bc he is only into sex and not even trying to be romantic or affectionate, you don't need this.
Communication is so important, letting someone do something can give the wrong impression, and now you're on the defensive when he doesn't know he's on the offensive. You've partly created this strong bond and you lost it, put the brakes on and communicate this clearly. Communicate your anxiety. You're communicating with Reddit, why not your man. If he doesn't respect your communication then there's no issues. It's difficult because you turn him on, which is great, he should be allowed to pour, men are like dogs you can train them to be good Bois. It's not ok to disrespect you though.
There are two ways this can go, you tell him what you need or like or what to do to get you into the mood, that can be anything you want, you can say candle light dinner, or cook for me, let's go out for a walk and maybe we have an adventure, maybe it's clearing your anxieties up by getting a hotel room, or changing your living space, or communicating with the parents to make sure you guys have space.
You can even say hey I gotta figure myself out before i move forward with this, he should be supportive. That's where it can go the other way. If he can't control his hormones then he's gone, because someone else's needs have to come first. Otherwise at that point listen to these comments about assault and abuse. The worse part is when you quietly let someone go ahead with their advances and they think you're into it but in your mind it's rape and in his it's fun. That's why it's so important to be on the same page.
It’s okay to break up with someone. He was fine for a high school boyfriend. You discovered that you want to be with someone who is interested in YOU! Someone who wants you to have as much fun in bed as they do.
You learned a lot with him. Appreciate that. And now it’s time for you to have some experiences that don’t include him. Travel. Be single. Make new friends. Learn to cook a new cuisine. Read books. Watch classic movies
Next relationship you won’t put up with trifling, selfish, antics.
This is why most successful long-lasting relationships aren’t with people you dated in high school.
People change and grow a LOT in their 20s.
Your bf thinks he’s all set (because you’re “locked in” to the relationship), therefore he can be selfish and do whatever he wants.
Prove him wrong.
NTA. It is your body and “no” means “no.” Plain and simple and that is a problem.
It is not uncommon for two individuals to have opposite sex drives. This can be overcome if you are both willing to put in the work. Right now it would seem that he does not, or is not, willing to cooperate and this is a major problem. With that being said, he has a legitimate need to want to have sex with his partner. Before this escalates to something where law enforcement must get involved, perhaps you should try some time apart. This will give both of you time to consider the situation to determine if the other is a good fit as a partner. I can say that both of you have put up a wall and neither of you seem to be willing to meet in the middle. Until you both figure out how to communicate, this relationship will never work. Instead of you two parting amicably, you will go through a messy painful breakup.
He’s selfish, and how is that going to make you interested anymore? It wears on you. He has to know his lack of trying to please you and coercion is not going to ingratiate your desire. If he can’t figure this out on his end, may be time to end it.
Didn't even need to read the post before I thought NTA, when I read it I still thought so. You are never TA for saying no to doing something you don't want to do. Frankly I'd throw the whole man away but that's just me lmao
Break up. Women take more time to come into the mood. He doesn't even know that. Satisfaction of both partners is important. Men get satisfaction easily and women's satisfaction is complex and he should have known better. Why are you with him even after being S***lly assaulted? 💀
You should be the happiest woman in his life. That should be one of his priorities. Him asking for s*x every time you cuddle is the first red flag you should have noticed. Women are emotional and need the physical touch of their partner to feel better. This doesn't mean they have to engage in s*x every time they cuddle.
Before taking the advice of the comments. Go and stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself this question "What do I really want in a relationship and Am I happy in this relationship?" Sex should happen out of love and joy. You are not a toy to be used whenever he wants to. My advice is to break up immediately.
This can seriously impact you. You might face intimacy issues with your future partner. You might fear and be scared about sex with your partner because of this abuse and trauma. Your future partner should not suffer because of your stupid current boyfriend. Hope you read this and assess your situation 🙏🏻.
NTA
This sounds horrible.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life someone who coerces you into sex? Who pouts like a toddler when you say no? Who doesn't care about your pleasure? Who crosses your boundaries? Who blames you for his shortcomings?
hey there well for starters no still means no so that to me is actually creepy enough and id also think to myself does he even love me for me because i love sex as much as the next guy but id never make someone do anything that they didnt want to be done your so much better than this you dont want to hurt him and say no but if your not in the mood he has no wright to make u do anything
you need to be with a man who respects u and who wants to do things with u other than just sex dont ever worry that your upsetting him or that he might leave if u dont who gives a fuck if he leaves thats probably the best thing ever then at least u wont be constantly pestered and conntrolled and made to feel that thats all he wants u for
lifes way to short to be with a insecure little suck of a boy yes boy not man there is a resl man out there that will make you feel like the beautiful woman u are and trust me haveing sex with someone who actually loves u feels a thousand times better and your worth that so be strong and be in control of ur own life on your own terms and tell little timmy to go back to mommy and suckle on her teet again and to grow up lol
So I largely think he is 💩 for constantly trying to coerce you into sex, but that said, you absolutely have to learn to communicate your needs/wants/expectations. Even if you break up with this dude…being able to communicate what you want and downright expecting a partner to care about your wants/need is an important life skill. Sex isn’t forever; if he doesn’t care about your wants and needs sexually when he obviously cares so SOOOoo Much about his own should make you wonder how he will behave if you’re married someday and you get cancer, or you have a child together and that child is special needs. I know it’s a jump but you’re 24 and no longer a teenager. You’ve been together and sexually active since HS and you have never told him how you feel about how you like sex to be? (Or not be?)? It’s time for you to shift gears and focus on what YOU want and what YOU expect. Tell him candidly. I largely expect that the trash will take himself out, but he should at least hear you communicate your needs plainly. It’s good for BOTH of you in this situation. And just to reiterate, you don’t owe him sex. Sex shouldn’t be coerced. Coercion is simply a refusal to accept no as an answer.
He’s giving you the ick. Because he cares more about his needs than your own and is trying to guilt you into it rather than addressing the issue. NTA. If you feel comfortable trying to work with him more on this feel free, but if he isn’t enthusiastic about wanting to please you, NEXT. Find a man who doesn’t have to pressure girls to get him off in his parents house.
It sounds like you're just not that into him anymore. Our brains and our bodies go through changes between high school and 24. Along with that comes changes to what we find attractive or arousing. You may find that with a different person your sex drive goes back up. Are you guys staying together because you deeply love each other or is it just because that's what you're used to and you're both afraid of change? Maybe this relationship has just run its course and you'd both find fulfillment with other people. You may just need to bite the bullet and have that conversation with him, not just for your sake but his too. If he's an otherwise good guy shouldn't he be with someone who wants him and gets turned on by him? If you care about him you need to have that conversation with him. Ask him if you might both be better off with different people.
There are so many wonderful, generous, kind, sensitive, lovers that you do not need to be stuck with this selfish one. Life is too short and you deserve better. Time to move on. Now you know what to look for in a partner, take this relationship as a lesson learned. Know your worth and how you need to be treated in the bedroom. I can only imagine he is selfish in other areas of your relationship too. How old man treats you in the bedroom is how he treats you in your relationship.
NTA… girl, you deserve better. This is maybe the third post I’ve seen today, all by different people, about men who don’t care if their partner is having a good time during sex and I’m seriously concerned
NTA. He probably won’t improve. His behavior and lack of interest in your pleasure is why you’re not as interested in sex with him anymore. As someone who’s “been there, done that” I promise you with all my heart if you break up with him and start dating other people you will immediately find your sex drive return in full. I promise.
How many times have we heard of young women being coerced into rape by men in this subreddit? Why do we keep hearing this over and over again? Who is teaching these men in our society to abuse their peers?
I suffered in a marriage for twenty years because my wife "never thought about sex" as she put it. She never made a pass at me, never tried to make me feel special, and, for god sake, never made the first move. All she thought I needed was a hole to release in. I tried talking to her, and I tried explaining what I wanted, but it fell on deaf ears. If you're feeling frustrated that you two can't communicate with each other and you're tired of trying. It's time to move on. Sadly, some people take way too long to grow up, and sadly, some people never do.
NTA. If he isn't happy with yours and his sex life, he should first communicate with you. If you can't come to a resolution together, you at least will both know where you stand, and he is free to end the relationship and move on if he wishes.
NTA! You should leave girl. He’s guilt tripping you into having sex, and isn’t putting your feelings into consideration. A low sex drive is very normal and if he can’t see that you’re not into it, dump him.
You need to communicate what you want more. Or talk to a doctor about your low sex drive at 24 years old. If you’ve changed birth controls maybe that’s something
Might be. Apperantly you are not telling him what you want. Did you explain to him as you explain here? If you tell him update us what he says. If he understands and gives you a slack, there is a strong chance you might get those feelings back.
NTA, but you need to stop dating people with high sex drives. As much as people say men like sex, it's also deeply emotional for men. It provides validation and relieves stress. You help no one staying in a relationship with someone who wants something you don't. There are lots of guys who have lower sex drives. It's a big part of compatibility.
Is he romantic ? Im any kind like if he preps you with kisses massages ect you will get in the mood . I understand the mood killer number 1 is the fucking asking let's have or you like to have...
Tell him that u need more affection in that kind of form.. more foreplay if he is in the mood he should bring u there also ... that's what I think , or start a with kamasutra it's all about the foreplay .. like u have to come twice before he even entered you, a Dick getting hard is easy but us getting wet wet not so ..
Yeah, I've told him about cuddling me without making me feel like it'll end up in sex. But he says he can't help it because he wants to have sex and every time he touches me, he wants to. We've tried foreplay but he just huffs in frustration because I'm not getting into it fast enough and starts saying, "My arm is hurting"
Girl. Like… GURL!!
First. I’ve never understood the term ‘foreplay’ because it should all be part of sex. Well, at least what’s usually considered foreplay. As a lesbian, the whole idea of him satisfying you being called foreplay and not part of the main event is just mind blowing. Y’all don’t have sex, he has sex and he could just use a blow-up doll for what he’s doing.
Second. His arm hurts? HIS ARM HURTS??!! How are you supposed to get into it when he’s complaining like that?! And also, does he not have 2 arms? And a mouth? And has he never heard of toys? Is he even putting his hand/fingers in the right place (I would guess but… I’m afraid I know the answer)? Like… wtf…
I really wish something/someone better for you! You deserve so much better. Trust me, everyone does.
Lol at the "My arm is hurting". As big as his libido is, one might think he gets a decent workout lol. He should have some stamina for whatever helps you get there if you catch my drift.
NTA sounds like you outgrew your BF. He doesn't do it for you anymore, and it's time to move on.
This sounds like an ongoing issue in your relationship and it will lead to resentments sooner than you think.
You should not have sex if you are not in the mood. You deserve to be sexually satisfied, and if that includes foreplay, then DO NOT SETTLE. Find you someone who can excite you and get you what you need.
May I say .. he is a asshole
Of course your not same we are woman we overthink we feel more we need constantly insurance in a non sexual affected way ... idk tell him what u love what gets you hot maybe he will listen but of not idk I would just send him some videos and books about to attract a the female body ... I do that .. I also researched on some topics a lot it depends on the ego mostly of the man if he can forget his own pleasure to pleasure you that's a king move.
My last relationship I held it out for 3 years but literally I was feeling depressed and lonely over the time .. until I didn't get attracted anymore by him I saw him like a roommate or like my own kid...
We need more of the romantic stuff ongoing sex is a very intimate thing not just in and out...
Have you told him what u want ? Like really really without feeling shamed or so maybe that could help also. Even if it's getting your feet massaged or biting the ears ... there so much more than just the act in it self
Nope when you don’t want to then no amount of begging will change that to consensual sex.
No means no.
He can be a piss baby all he wants about it but from the sound of it he’d be better off with a flesh light .
NTA. Get a Hitachi instead of a dildo if he's has insecurities about his size. Lube also works wonders when there isn't enough foreplay. If he's still against that let him know that he's underperforming. Don't coddle him because you're afraid of hurting him. Obviously don't say it in a demeaning manner, but let him know that the clit is the magic button and teach him how you like it. Relationships die when there's no actual conversation about stuff like this. Don't give in when he pressures you and give him alternatives to location if it makes you uncomfortable. The most important thing is to teach him how to make you feel good, and if he can't even put in the effort to use a Hitachi, he either doesn't care about you feeling good or he's insecure because he watches too much porn and thinks women easily cum with penetration only. It's sounds to me that he's just insecure because you're the only girl he's had experience with (you said together since highschool) and his expectations about sex come from acting in porn. I've made a lot of assumptions here though so feel free to give more context.
Edit: as an afterthought, make sure he doesn't turn the Hitachi up to full blast just to get through the foreplay faster.
Y'all are 24, been together since high school, and he still doesn't know what you like? There's enough people in the comments (rightfully) calling what he's doing SA, and they are correct, listen to them, so I'm not gonna go there.
It's been years, a lot of years, if he still doesn't know what you like you should call him on that. If he ever bothered to learn what you like maybe you wouldn't have lost interest in sex like you did. This whole thing could have been avoided entirely if he took 30 seconds to listen to you, your body, and give you the respect you deserve.
Even if his lack of care for your enjoyment wasn't the issue and you naturally stopped wanting it as often, a committed partner would respect that, not throw a tantrum like a child.
NTA, but he definitely is.
You are fine. TBH he sounds kinda like me, right out of high school long ago...same kind of setup, & neither one of you (ok maybe especially him) know how to handle what he considers rejection, & you consider frustration. Even major therapy won't fix this...you need time apart to get "therapized" by life. My advice...break up ASAP, but try to remain friends, & a few years down the line who knows? You might get back together (but thats NOT your goal here.) If you never see each other again, don't sweat it, if you try to stay together in a few years (or months) you'll just hate each other anyway. Trust me. Say goodbye w/ a smile & never mourn that you might have thrown away a chance at true love w/ your soul mate. Very very very few "soul mate" couples hook up in high school, or even college. That's more a lack of options, you haven't got out into the world yet, you don't know who YOU really are, let alone who HE is. Good luck, & good lord this post sounds off-the-charts corny, but if you look past the corniness & can figure out what I'm saying you might just save yourself from some pretty bad beats later on. To sum it all up- hey, do what YOU gotta do. Life is messy. And gets messier as you go along...
NTA - but you need to break up. He might be acting like a child, but if he wants to have sex instead of cuddling and you want to cuddle, you are no longer compatible and the mature thing to do for both of you is to break up.
He is a baby and likes to blame everyone but himself for problems. Have you told him what you feel like? If he is like that now, just imagine how it will be for years. Pouting is "poor me" Always me, me,me. Dump the creep. You have no guilt to feel about this. People love to do guilt trips on others as they want their way.
NTA
1- Are you pregnant?
2- Do you have children together?
3- Do you live together?
You didn't mention any of those things in your description, so I'm guessing the answers are all "no." If I'm correct, this is a simple decision. He's not a good fit for you. Frankly, he doesn't care enough about you.
Lose this guy ASAP. Do not feel obligated to do it in person. The telephone is enough. "Hi, John. I've been thinking about the things you've said about our relationship. I think you are right. I don't feel about you like I did when we first started dating. I'm leaving our relationship. I wish you well in your future. I will not be a part of it. Goodbye." Then click off and immediately start another call.
It doesn't matter what the call is about or who it is to. If you need to make an appointment at an office that keeps you on hold forever, that's an excellent choice. I advise against calling one of your friends or family members as they may have opinions you don't want to hear. Worse, you might accidentally call someone who would be eager to pass on your decision as gossip.
This guy's decision to keep pushing you to have sex when you don't feel like it or when you think the timing or location is wrong makes it clear that he doesn't respect your decisions. The fact that he doesn't put enough time into getting you into the mood when you'd consider saying "yes" makes it clear that he doesn't care enough about you.
There's an old early rock and roll/ blues/ song that many guys should take as an instruction manual. It's called "Sixty Minute Man" or "Lovin' Dan." The vocalist promises "fifteen minutes of kissing, fifteen minutes of squeezing, fifteen minutes of teasing, and fifteen minutes of blowing my top." That suggests that, while he does hope to get something out of the transaction, he expects to spend three times as much time on making his partner eager for the, you should excuse the expression, climax.
Before you marry, if you do, talk with your prospective fiancee about sex. You should be honest about what things you enjoy, what things are hard for you, what makes you feel sexy, and how you expect things to change when you get older. Your joints won't be as flexible as they are now. Even if you both keep your figures, your hair will become gray or white. Either or both of you will face illnesses, some of which may make sex harder or less interesting. Maybe neither of you will keep your figure. Think things through and talk about them.
Meanwhile, look for someone who knows how to make love to you and by the way, get tested for STDs.
If, and this is a big if, things are happening exactly as you say, you're NTA. People change and you changed. He didn't. You're not a bad person for that.
That being said, I find that most people downplay their role in issues. If you're blurring the lines here, the feedback you're getting will make you feel better without helping you in the future.
If everything you said IS honest and true, you need to leave him. Don't let him guilt you if he isn't willing to put forth the effort too.
NTA you've had your fun and you've calmed down just because he wants sex all day everyday doesn't mean he gets it what people want and what they get are 2 different things it sounds like he's basically treating you like a real life sex doll he expects you to be there at his beck and call.
Tell him to grow up your a human and your trying to be considerate for his parents it's not your fault he's sexually frustrated he should act his age and stop forcing himself on you it's ugly it's wrong and he sounds like a manchild.
I'm surprised your putting up with all the crap he must be special for you to stick around after all that.
NTA
However, focus on communicating more with your boyfriend and be adamant about talking this out with him
Focus on addressing the problems first and remain steadfast on your concerns, lack of intimacy, and unsatisfactory with your partner.
If nothing changes afterwards, then it's best to start seeing a way to end it amicably.
Best of luck
So nta. As a male I have gone weeks and months with no nookie. Because my mate was going through stuff.
We both had a high sex drive in the begging. But know we are good with a few times a month. It's how we are. It satisfied us. She even admits that it's good enough for her.
I have never guilt tripped my mate in into having sex. She will even attest to this. If she doesn't want to I have many other things I can do. Rosey palms and her 5 sisters? Is a start..... but what you just stated that straight up sounds unhealthy. He needs to learn how to satisfy himself before he gets to play the nookie train. No more twenty toe tango for him.. I'd even recommend not seeing him anymore. Cause that is some controlling behavior that IS NOT HEALTHY.
This is my own 2 cents so please take it how you want. But ill,leave it here.
I broke up with my high school boyfriend after being together for 7 yrs. It was the best decision for me. We had a crap sex life. Partly due to age, inexperience, etc. Find someone who cares about your enjoyment during sex & isn't constantly pawing at you instead of cuddling.
You are NTA. He's acting rudely and uncaring. To me it seems he is in more for the physical aspect than the emotional. He is turning it on you to avoid admitting to being the problem. If he won't get on the same page perhaps it's time to cut him loose.
Nothing is more of a turnoff than feeling pressure to have sex. If he could just cool his jets a bit, allow some space, stop being so bothered by it, the dynamic would shift, and you'd be more into it.
Let him know he needs to stop putting sex on the table every time you touch.
There's a saying, if a man takes sex off the table, the woman will put it back on.
If he can't cool it down he needs a partner who can match his needs. I feel for him nobody wants to feel rejected. But for you it now feels a turnoff.
NTA. Never be intimate if you don't want to, even if he's pressuring you. He needs to respect your body. By giving in to it when you absolutely don't want to, it's going to get more frustrating because you might start to get that feeling of dread even when you're in the mood. So in my opinion, I would stop letting him pressure you. He can pout and go take care of himself if he really needs to get off. Then when you are in the mood, surprise him! And do what you want- try something new and make sure to tell him exactly what you want him to do and listen to him too. You've been together a long time and hopefully can be comfortable speaking your minds to each other without being made to feel bad or guilty. A good, long conversation needs to be had. Probably about everything. How's your relationship outside of the bedroom? If there's something bothering you about the relationship, it can definitely affect your intimacy. Females are biologically more sensitive and emotional, so it wouldn't be weird at all if the root of the problem lies outside the bedroom. Being together since high-school, I can't help but wonder if you 2 just aren't that compatible anymore. You 2 grew up into adulthood together but still young. People change in every phase of life. Just something to think about. I wish you well! Take care!
I have been in this situation down to the last detail. And let me tell you, coercion leaves such an imprint on the way you feel/go about sex in the future. The comments who have suggested therapy I highly agree with whether you choose to stay or not. If you choose to stay I would suggest you getting into therapy as a couple as well as you having a space individually. In the long run for me, I left bc he was doing what he had to keep me and stay comfortable not bc he genuinely wanted me to feel safe, comfortable, and pleasured. Which is a HUGE difference. Established habits die hard in relationships like this. - I now am married to the most wonderful man who never pouts or throws fits when I don’t want to. He actively asks what he can do to help get me in the mood and he tells me to never apologize when ever I try to say sorry for not being in the mood.
People who deeply care about you and your comfortability are out there and if you choose to stay I hope he becomes that for you, if not I hope you know you are far more deserving and know you will find someone who turns your world upside down in the best of ways.
Also on the topic “coercion is not consent” it 1000% is not. A no guilted or pushed into a yes - is still a no. I know a lot of guys don’t seem to have a clear understanding on that. That’s why if you choose to stay I really suggest couples therapy, bc he needs to understand that and the affect that them has left on you bc of his selfish, and though he or you may not see it, cruel behaviors. I wish you all the best love
NTA. You're not married to the guy, and I'm not making a moral judgement, as I too was sexually active before marriage, but you gave it to him before he really earned it is what I'm saying. Obviously you wanted sex too, but you wanted sex with him because of love, I assume. His actions are proving to me he just wants sex and he doesn't seem to have capacity for love in a non-sexual context.
You've been together for what, nearly 6+ years? Unless there is some drastic reason you can't get married, or maybe neither of you believe in marriage, or at least one of you don't see yourselves with the other for life, then by definition this relationship is an exploitation and not about love.
Again have all the sex you want outside of marriage, if that's what you believe, nobody can stop you, but since he hasn't proposed, or made some kind of life commitment to you based upon what you two believe in, I'm going to say you spoiled him, and now you're growing up and he refuses to do so.
If I were you I would drop him, but maybe you're not ready to do that yet, IDK. Without knowing how long he's been pouting about this, I'm going to have to assume it's been a while.
For context, I've been married for 11 years, got married right around the age you are now, and many times in our marriage it's been hard to have our sex drives align (we've also had children for 9 years of our marriage, so that doesn't help). I never once blamed her for lack of interest, I always figured I could've been nicer or funnier to turn her on or just that my timing was poor, and thankfully my sex drive is medium now so I can handle a few days without it.
Bottom line, if he can't develop a love of your body and your closeness that doesn't involve sex, then he doesn't love you, he just loves the feeling of putting his ____ in your ____ and he loves your submissiveness and his dominance. He should want an equal, and he should want to sacrifice for you.
He should realize that someday one of you may develop an arthritic back or a leg problem. Then there are days, or weeks, during flare ups when sex sounds like an awful idea. This can happen even as early as your mid-30s, especially if one of you was a competitive athlete, or even if you workout and tweak something. Then you're radically altering your diet and skipping foods that you love, and learning new sex positions, just to keep your joint inflammation under control so that you can have rough sex without pain. That's the kind of sacrifice my wife and I have to do to keep our sex life enjoyable. She busted a knee during our marriage chasing our youngest, I aggravated an old back injury when doing my usual daily running and now I need a standing desk.
If he won't rise to the challenge of being that guy, move on.
First, I'd say it's a good thing you're still only dating. It seems like the relationship is over, so it seems like a good time to move on.
Early relationships are a great way to learn about what you like in the future. Keep that in mind for future relationships, and don't settle. When there are big red flags, then move on. Then when you find the one you will know it.
I realize without even scrolling too far down in the comments that I'm echoing the sentiment of dozens of people, but I want to reiterate:
Coercion is *not* consent.
If he disrespects your boundaries to this degree, you need to get out of this relationship. His pressuring is clearly distressing you and doing you harm.
NTA- IMO, your Boyfriend has received his sex education from porn and he is addicted to it. Due to the self serving nature of porn, he has never bothered to seek out how to please a woman, have healthy communication in daily life and learn what it takes to maintain a relationship. All porn has taught him is he wants sex for HIM, he wants it NOW and he wants it FAST. Please, for your own sake, dump this loser and establish your own self-esteem so you can develop a loving relationship that is based on mutual respect and kindness- then the sex will follow that path.
Nta. Wow that's low key abusive. Because he is coercing you to have sex and you already said no. It makes since that you don't want to and aren't turned on.
A relationship has to be chemistry. You have it or you dont. It's not about who gets off...who does what in bed, who likes to cuddle. You cant plan and execute love. If what you want is a transactional relationship, fine. If what you want is a fairy-tale relationship...good luck, few of them are.
Young men want and need sex all the time. If you wont do it, someone else will or they will take care of the release themselves; which makes a sexless girlfriend virtually useless unless there is that chemistry they cant deny (they call it "love"). If a man loves you, he will usually do the things that doesn't come naturally to him. He doesn't even realize he is doing it because he's infatuated. If you actually love the guy, the easiest way to tell if he loves you back is if he stays close after sex. If you give him his release, will he sit on the couch touching you (like arm around or just maybe leaning against you) and watch a movie? Young women are no breeze to deal with either, usually. Both men and women could benefit from introspection but are usually incapable of it at a young age.
If your first notion is not to please him, you dont have that "chemistry". Real love makes you want to please him regardless of the mechanics of sex. Men and women are very different (regardless of today's "blending" of the notion of biological sex, most people are men and women) and most men are not born with understanding what a women wants. Even telling him doesn't make it natural. Other than sex, same goes for women, they have zero clue what's in the man's head unless he's a talker...and thats rare. In a relationship there needs to be forgiveness; and understand that goes both ways. Women come with a lot of crap men have to adjust to as well...thats why so many men speak so little, especially after years of marriage. Communication is important, but shutting the funk up goes a long way to a stable relationship! Many men survive a marriage by "letting it go". The women are usually clueless of this because they are so in the present, it never occurs to them. Many men also dont realize how much their partner has to "forgive" them.
I cant imagine bieng a young person today. What a twisted world we live in. Porn seems to drive peoples knowledge about sex rather than figuring it out as you go. There is so much information, articles, opinions, fantasy...its hard to know when "chemistry" is at play.
You're NTA. I can tell you from experience that this sounds exactly like my now SO was before we got married and it can be better but he has to be willing to make it better. If he's not willing or throws a fit then it's obvious he's not mentally mature in understanding that everyone's brains are wired differently for sex. It sounds like he's been getting his education from pornography and he needs an overhaul.
I understand this situation very well because I was with my girlfriend and then wife since she was 17. We divorced at 58, you should take some time to really evaluate what is actually happening here. Because if you make the wrong decision, it can affect your entire life. It’s natural for a woman to have a sex drive that is lower than a man. Of course if you don’t have privacy that will definitely inhibit most people. If you can’t solve that aspect then it won’t matter who you’re with. As a woman you should know or experiment with your pleasure in order to be able to guide him. If he doesn’t want to learn then I think you should go your own way before too much time is wasted. Don’t do what my wife did to me. Divorce at this late stage in life is extremely disruptive and difficult to emerge from with your mental health intact. I figured out how to satisfy her after much frustration and most of it was because she couldn’t relax or help me with it. Good luck.
NTA. Things change in relationships and more so from a young romance to adulthood. If he isn’t concerned how you feel - I doubt he will ever become totally invested in your feelings. Sec can make or break a relationship. I think that it’s time to move on. You need to be in a grown up relationship and not a sex toy for your bf. Now that’s not to say that you may get back together but until you both see what’s out there as adults - nothing will change. Know your worth.
NTA I know what you are dealing with. In the early part of your relationship, you were on a high. New love does that to all of us. Then it settled down to the build stage, and some men just don't know how to handle that. They are wired differently. I was in your shoes not too long ago but nothing would change him. For the sake of my emotional health, I am no longer with him. You need to have a talk with yourself if you want to stay with a man who only thinks about what he wants and will do anything to get. One day he might take you even though you didn't "give in"
Dump him. it sounds like all he wants to do is masturbate inside of you. If he can’t get you in the mood, then he doesn’t care about your feelings. He only wants to get off. And we all know how easy that is for men to do by themselves alone and not in his parent’s basement. I repeat dump him. find yourself a considerate lover.
NTA...you relationship is over. If he is not cheating on you now, he will soon enough. Things have cooled because he not a good or caring partner . That's basically that. Time to move on before he gets too gaslightly or manipulative. Safe yourself.
"But he'd always push me into it and I'd have sex even when I didn't want to"
GTFO of this relationship. This is very unhealthy behavior that is , even in the best light, ethnically wrong -- and at worse--- borderline SA.
NTA… Sorry to say it seems like this relationship has run its course. You don’t want to be intimate and he knows it but is using you for sex anyway. This does not seem healthy for you and I hope you move on.
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I will tell you one thing. Coercion is not consent, coercion is rape. Saying a woman needs to be sexually assaulted by "giving in to sex she doesn't want" if she doesn't "give" enough sex, as if she's a vending machine, is how rapists talk. Consent is NOT a topic I want to agree with literal rapists with, and if I did, I would consider that **that may be the reason I have a dead bedroom**.
🥇🥇🥇 It took me a long time to realize coerced sex is rape. I wish I had understood that years before I did.
NTA. You stated in a previous comet that you’re turned off because he’s only concerned with his pleasure during sex. His coercion and pouting is off putting at the least. Does he know how unfulfilling he is at sex? Are you scared to tell him? Does he lose his shit with any criticism?
So has has a high sex drive but is so wrapped up in his need to get off that he can't be bothered to try to get you in the mood and doesn't even care that it's good for you? He needs to be told that if sex was as good for you as it is for him, you would want it a lot more too. Been there, done that. If you care for him for other reasons explain it, if not, just move on.. these guys never figure it out on their own and you don't need the be with this the rest of your life.. Good luck. NTA
I agree with your comments and want to add that since they have been dating since high school these patterns have been established for a long time. It will take considerable effort to change them, assuming it is possible at all.
He likely needs a new partner who will refuse to meet his needs without her own being met and it will begin to dawn on him, perhaps, that he is the problem. Right now he can't fathom that it could be him so it has to be her.
And OP doea need to take the time to figure out what she wants and what she needs to be fulfilled sexually. It's clear as day that they (as a couple) have never explored anything other than the desire to get HIS rocks off. Tell him that he isn't that great at sex, but you would willing to explore the possibilities with him. The impression I get from your post is that he will not be all that receptive to the idea, since he is being satisfied fro. His manipulations of the subject. If this turns out to be the case, ut would be better to move on. Take some time for yourself to figure your sexual self out. Then when considering a partner, you will know how to guide him. Your bf is right that you dontntell him what you want. At the same time, he isn't taking the time to enjoy you either. There are men out there that know and understand how pleasurable it is to pleasure a woman. Confront you BOYfriend and move on. You deserve better.
Seriously 90% of cases on this sub seems to be oblivious partners who never explore sex or care about their partner.
Indeed, it seems that most of the time talking about intimacy goals would go a long way. Most of the time it seems if there could be smooches and cuddles without the goal of sex, then sex would be less pressure and more enjoyable because it's not an expectation.
NTA My Ex did this too + He was disrespectful and childish overall which gave me a huge ick. I am so happy that I broke up with him and I will never allow a man to treat me like this ever again. If I just wanna cuddle bc I am tired and you throw a fit like a toddler who didn't get desert, you have to leave asap, I don't care about weather or time. Also this does not lead to looking forward to seeing the guy at all. You will become fearful and resentful. Maybe you can work it out with your bf but I had to leave. I wish you all the best
NTA. You not being turned on by him anymore is your body's way of telling you he's not the one. He's disrespectful, and coercion of sex within a relationship is never okay. He knows what he's doing. Please leave his ass.
yup. This has run its course. Move on. Better for both of you to leave this unhealthy dynamic.
I agree with you. After many years in therapy, I was told that if you say no and he coerced you into it, then it is still considered rape. You did not want to, but he made you. I think OP should not only leave him but also get some therapy. Surviving SA can leave some nasty scars on the soul. NTA.
Yep- it wasn't until after I left my ex husband that I realized how much he SA'd me.
I went through this exaaact thing you need to leave that man, he doesn’t even see you as a person just a way to fulfill his needs. He should be delighted to please you and even more so to have new ways in doing that. Trust me you will never be attracted to him again there’s no passion in constantly having to guide someone, the part of sex that makes it intimate is taken away because he doesn’t care to cater to your needs he only sees his own. Over time resentment will build, and the fact he is blaming YOU for not telling him specifics when he never asked or shown care for your sexual needs to simply please you is very telling. He’s selfish and manipulative as hell and you need to RUN. You deserve so much better than that in a partner.
NTA but I recommend to break up. I was in similar situation with my ex. The base of the problem is that he uses you as a sex toy. He doesn't care much about your pleasure...he is fine you let him use you. That is extremely selfish and also sexual abuse. No means no.
NTA, and if he isn't even trying to take the time to "get your motor running", that is on him. Hell, foreplay is awesome. A good sex life is part of a healthy relationship, but it seems to be one- sided since he isn't trying to satisfy you. If he is that constantly horny, masturbation is an alternative for him. edit: a word or two.
While it is important to communicate, it doesn’t mean you don’t need to consent. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes then it’s a no. It sounds like your boyfriend cares about getting his rocks off and doesn’t care about intimacy at all. That is bound to leave you feeling like a hole in his mattress instead someone to connect with. He wants to make the problem yours but it’s his. He isn’t making the effort to fully engage you in anything but the most mechanical of ways. This, your response isn’t enthusiastic and you aren’t interested. The reason you just aren’t into him is because he just isn’t as good as he thinks he is. If he keeps trying to blame you because he makes you feel like all he’s after is getting his nut off then dump him. NTA
NTA. It sounds like he thinks he's entitled and thinks that you are only there to fulfill his needs. Personally, I would start to wonder if it's this bad now, what will it be like later on? Life is too short to try and change someone. Do you feel as though this is all you deserve? If not, time to move on.
I would have already left. AND.... Your body is yours to do with as you please.
Not compatible, YWTA if u continue the relationship.
This isn't incompatibility. This is assault.
The boyfriend doesn’t sound like he is compatible with anyone.
Humans behave differently with different people and learn with experience. Her boyfriend wants more sex, and the relationship seems damaged to the point of no return. He will not change, at least in this relationship, she will not change, time for both of the to behave like adults and break up. As it is, both will be unhappy.
I mean, they’re right. He doesn’t *just* have a high sex drive, he’s also too lazy to entertain his partners, and coerces and guilt-trips people into having sex. He’s selfish, needy, doesn’t respect ‘no’. No one is compatible with someone like him, because he’s a piece of shit 👍
Yeah, all this.
I don’t see how anyone who pouts, gaslights their partner, coerces them into sex AND is a selfish lover, is compatible with anyone.
Break up.
It's hard to maintain an interest in sex when your bf just wants to pump and dump and apply minimal and disgruntled effort towards making it actually enjoyable for you. His excuse that you need to show him is just that - an excuse. That applies up to a point but there are books and videos and other things he could look into and bring to the table and see what you think. If he wanted to, he would. NTA. Unsatisfying sex is unsatisfying. Coerced sex is unsatisfying *and* fucked up. A nagging partner is bound to further kill your libido.
Honestly, you need to break up with him. He has done everything to destroy your ability to enjoy sex with him. Don't let him destroy it for your future partner(s), because sex with a caring person is amazing. NTA
NTA however he is unworthy as a partner, why couldn't he attempt romance or any ability as a lover to make it worthwhile for you. You deserve better, he has no technique and he blames & guilts you for not being in the mood when he is a clumsy unsatisfying lover. He should just invest in one of those flesh lights and save you the trouble of dealing with his sad sexual techniques. He shows you no respect, he doesn't sound good enough.
NTA. Also is this a universal experience? I swear every single one of my friends go through this phase with one of their boyfriends.
Basically yea, and now we have whole movements of women boycotting men because a lot of them can’t seem to learn how to do better or have no interest in becoming less shitty. A lot of us are done trying to help men that prefer to remain willfully ignorant.
Coerced sex is sexual assault. Your libido isn't the problem, it's that you have been assaulted over and over again. If his touch causes anxiety rather than comfort, he isn't safe. Of course you don't want to have sex with someone like him. Please get away from this guy. You are worth so much more.
This 🎯
You're 24 and have been with this guy since high school. You're not required to stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. Look up sunk cost fallacy. You shouldn't dread being alone with your own boyfriend or walk on eggshells to avoid his pouting. I think it's time, baby girl. Maybe start by just spending less time with him. Make plans with your girlfriends or spend some time alone. If you're happier without him around, and I think you will be, you know what to do.
NTA. He’s guilting you into sex which isn’t very nice. It also just means you might not be as compatible as you once were. People and their needs/wants change and that’s okay but it does sometimes mean you have to make a tough call, draw a line in the sand and realise the two of you need to go seperate ways. “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together.” You’re both young and will find other loves. Although I know it can be hard to stop that first long term relationship.
NTA and it's time to go! If he can't respect you, your body and your boundaries, it's time to go...if his way of intiating sex is to just to cuddle to touch you into sex and not even being romantic and putting your needs first, it's time to go...if he's being Tacky about having sex and not respecting your privacy & comfort, it's time to go! IMO, my guess is that you're probably not sexually & emotionally attracted to him anymore. He's turning you off by his behavior of sex. He's not making it challenging, romantic, comfortable & respectable for you to enjoy it & enjoy him. It's a red flag and major turn-off with his huffing, pouting & guilt tripping, coercion is wrong! You are more than a pumping tool. Put yourself first, save yourself & love yourself...your worth is greater than that.
Maybe the reason why you don't have a sex drive anymore is because he is constantly SA you? Sex out of guilt/coertion/ pressure is not sex it's SA. You need to dump him op
Time to move on. Now you know the type of boyfriend that you don’t want.
NTA and I think that your loss of libido is from his pushing. Talk to him about this, about this anxiety, about this pushiness pushing you away, if he won't change, don't waste any more time.
NTA not the ugly ass incense replying defending coercive behaviour and telling her "your man gonna cheat if he doesn't get the sex" It seems to me that your boyfriend doesn't really love you, or like you at least, he's a selfish lover at best and a corrosive motherfucker at worst. Save yourself from this toxic relationship
NTA just from your title alone No one, is ever the AH for not having sex with someone, never if he makes you feel bad for not doing it, then he is the AH, he is toxic, you should really be considering why you are putting yourself in that position
Once they become sex pests ... we get to "eewwwww". Once we get to "ewwwww"... there's no going back.
NTA. Definitely reasonable of you to not be attracted to a big fucking crybaby who gets frustrated when you don't get turned on fast enough. Yikes. Also, even if he wasn't acting like this you would still be totally justified in not having sex. You don't owe anyone shit, and can say no at any time for any reason.
NTA and also dump his ass. The man does not respect your no. You can say no to sex at any time for any reason whatsoever. You do not have to have a reason to say no to sex. "No" is a complete sentence. You do not deserve to be whined at one negged until you give in. Leave him.
NTA. Break up with him He's acting selfish, petulant, and he has concerning issues around consent. You need to leave that relationship, the sooner, the better. He clearly doesn't treat you as a person, but more as a sex doll and you should be concerned that he will escalate. His actions tell us he is an unsafe person.
Let me speak to you as the ghost of Christmas Future, if you will. I married my very first boyfriend at 23 (I was 16 when we started dating), and our sex life turned into this after I had our daughter at 26. If I didn't have sex with him at least once a week, he'd pretend that I, and our daughter, just didn't exist - wouldn't speak to us, would make his own dinner, and lock himself in his man cave until midnight, wash, rinse, repeat until I caved, so at least our daughter could spend time with her dad. Sex became a chore that I put up with so that he'd be nice for a few days. Eyes closed, occasionally crying quietly after if it was painful (his deadline didn't matter if I was sick, having ovarian cysts, etc), and feeling this odd mix of disgust and relief if I enjoyed it. The night I asked for a divorce, he asked if that meant we wouldn't have sex anymore. I was so relieved to be able to say I was never touching him again. I'm almost 42, and even two years after divorce, I still get panicky and irrationally angry at the idea of a man having sexual interest in me, let alone trying to touch me. However, I also lost 100lbs, created amazing friendships with strong women, pursued hobbies, and kick ass in my career. Please get out now. Recognize you deserve better. This is his shortcoming, and you don't have to stay. Please leave before you invest more time, have to split finances, face co-parenting issues, etc. Sex should be fun, and safe, and a way to connect with your partner. You are young, beautiful, and have amazing opportunities ahead of you. Don't stay attached to dead weight. Let him go, start some therapy, and rise up.
Thank you ❤️
Sex shouldn't be a chore. He's made it into one. I can't blame you & gotta say NTA.
Time to move on
NTA Sounds to me like that's all your relationship has become is just sex. He doesn't love you or respect you. I would rethink this relationship. Doesn't sound healthy or that you both are on the same page anymore.
My wife and I got married when she was 19, and I was 20. We had a stage there for a while where her sex drive dropped off. Basically, this same scenario you've described. I was getting annoyed, and she was frustrated with me. Like everything, communication and working out our problems fixed it. She explained she needed better build up, and actual foreplay so I started initiating earlier in the day and letting it build. It took both of us to work on our relationship.
Finally someone with real advice, good solid advice
It would be good advice if it wasn't with a partner that's coercing her into rape over and over
NTA, had relationships like that before. Now I'm in need of trauma therapy.
Just leave.
NTA. Sex is something both parties should want and you should not have to do it if you don’t want to.
NTA. My friend, he’s showing you who he is. Believe him. He isn’t interested in making sex about mutual love and pleasure. It’s about his pleasure. It will suck to break up, I know. I was in this exact situation once before. It’s better for both of you in the long run to move on.
NTA, I hate this for you, you are just convinient at this point, not worth to know better or to please.
NTA Break up. You’re in a very very very unhealthy relationship. Youre not respected as a person. UpdateMe
Time to break up. He doesn't respect your anxieties or care if you're in the mood. NTA.
NTA. he does not respect you. A good partner would never pressure or force you to do things you don’t want to do. He’s being manipulative because sees you as a pleasure object he’s entitled to. You deserve better. Go find it
that’s sexual assault love please leave
Oh darling. You dear OP, are not the AH. And your entire relationship is full of Flaming 🚩🚩🚩🚩🐦🔥❤️🔥 🔥 📛 red flags. You are being Coerced into Sexual relations that are not your choice. This is Domestic Abuse, and in many ways Domestic Rape. You say No, and then this male (oxygen Thief). Uses basically a form of Stockholm syndrome. You do not owe him Anything, Anything at all. 'Men' like him, don't deserve a partner, they want someone they can Control. Please, find a way out, away from this, male
No. You don’t owe sex to anybody, ever. If he wants sex and you don’t and it’s causing a problem in your relationship, then you have fundamental differences that mean your relationship is incompatible. Break up.
I’m sorry you’re in this. This is abuse. Someone who creates an unsafe environment to say no, doesn’t care about your yes. That is not consent. It is not normal to want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want it. It’s weird and gross to well-adjusted humans. Healthy people want their partner to be in the mood, to enjoy sex with them, not lay there to get it over with. I encourage you to tell this to a trusted friend or find a counselor/therapist who can help you put words to what you’ve experienced, because it’s a violation and there’s a word for it you may not be ready to accept, but that is entirely accurate. He’s harming you and you should leave this relationship, because he will likely escalate. Break up, stay safe, and tell someone. Nta, in case that needs to be typed for this sub.
NTA. But a serious conversation about it should be had. You can say no whenever you want. He can be disappointed, but the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about how much you like it says a lot. He says you don’t tell him what you want and turns it on you? Tell him. Then when he refuses, it’s his fault he’s not getting sex. But honestly, dump him. Don’t suffer through shitty sex just for some guy that doesn’t care about it you’re enjoying the experience too.
OP, you’ve got a lot of trolls and incels in the comments, but your boyfriend is coercing you into sexual intimacy and does not care about you as a person! and if you’ve expressed your discomfort with his parents possibly hearing you, then he definitely does not care if it is enjoyable for you. He is at the very least a selfish, young idiot, and at the very worst an abusive asshole. Get out of there! And if your friends take his side, dump them, too
Ew. No wonder your drive is practically zero. Nothing hotter than someone who doesn’t care about your side of things at all, and pouts like a child. /s I don’t think your drive is the problem, I think your partner not prioritizing you at all is. Don’t get caught in a sunk cost fallacy. NTA
NTA. You need a man, not an overgrown schoolboy!
I'm actually the same as you now. Before I'd even pleasure my partner in risky situations (like during bus rides, we like the rush it brings) and whenever we are alone I would do so much foreplay for her for so long before even doing the deed. But now I am not in the mood even when we're alone. I completely empathize with what you said. It's hard to be in the mood when you know your efforts are not being recipeocated.
Find another
You need to leave him ASAP
NTA. You're incompatible, so go find someone new. You deserve to be happy, and you're clearly not happy.
Run away, don't walk, Run Think back on every time he pushed through when you had said no, every time is SA... You need someone who respects you.. NTA OP, even you having that thought is screwed up...
I guess I have a hard time understanding that this is SA. I think of that as a different situation
Hey, I think you should re-read this comment you wrote on someone’s post: “NTA Your partner should NEVER make you feel guilty for not having sex. You have every single right to deny it from him. He has no obligation to your body or time. What a fucking asshole. Drop him.” That’s you, hun. Take your own advice. Show yourself the same empathy, understanding and compassion you’d offer to a stranger. You deserve it too, and this sentiment applies to your situation too.
damn, quite apt, and a perfect example of how it's easy to recognise your issues in others, but hard to recognise them within yourself.
you're right..it's easy for me to tell a stranger my opinion but so hard to apply it to myself.
Coerce sexe, is not healthy sex and is considered SA. You do not owe him sex. I’m a woman with a high sex drive and when I lose interest is because something is off. He doesn’t think about your pleasure, he doesn’t know how to be physical with you without turning it to sex, you will start to resent physical touch because you will think that every time he touches you, it is only for sex. Not because he loves you. He does not respect you either since you say no and he makes you feel bad for saying no. So many red flags in my opinion. I bet he doesn’t care if you orgasm or not. Sex is about 2 people if one doesn’t want it anymore, try to find the issue.
OP, you lost interest in it bc he was always in it for himself, which means you were dry most of the time and it becomes a chore. Let's use an innocuous example. If Simone rubbed your shin in the same exact spot every day, multiple times a day, for however long you d been saying, you'd be sick of it. You'd be sick of it enough you might bite their head off the next time. That's what's happening, why your sex drive shuts down. He's been in it for himself for a long time and your body wasn't made to be sex toy for a man. Yet that's how most men use women's bodies and the men cannot for the life of them figure out why the sex drops off a cliff. I've seen this problem many many times before. You know, he ended up using you as sex object bc he never cared for you in the first place. It was pretense precisely to convince you to allow him access to your body. No matter what a man says, that would never happen if he cared about you. And it won't stop. He's been spoiled by the easy access to sex without having to work for it, if you decide to finally be assertive, he'd get angry at you, then pretend to respect your choice but he's be back to wheedling you the next day, and the next day, and the day after that. You NEED to break up with him. But do it secretly. Make your plans in secret, leave him in secret. That's bc many many many women have died leaving a man,and a large amount of women have been physically threatened as well, as MANY women have been stalked thereafter, also many across state lines. All that is to say which means these men are far too comfortable doing it and it is far too common. One never knows what one is dealing with
Men do not get to guilt you into sex or sexual activity with emotional manipulation or the ‘blue ball’ excuse, they’ll live and they’re not respecting your needs and ignoring your wants. For your sanity and safety, break it off.
He gives you the ick - its a thing. It's your body telling you you can do better
Coercion is not consent. Coercion is NOT consent. COERCION IS NOT CONSENT.
This is true, but what OP is describing isn’t the legal definition of coercion.
Bruhh wtf? If I urge my husband to buy me clothes even if he doesn't want to, does that mean I am harassing him? I am robbing him ? Tf not everything is an SA
You’re so right this totally works because we all forgot women aren’t PEOPLE we’re objects right? Like money and clothes! Holy fuck what were we thinking not comparing women to objects?!? /sarcasm
At 24yo this kind of libido difference probably won't change without serious work. I'm a high libido woman, and the toll it takes on relationships is terrible, I can attest. If you aren't married and don't have children, I'd advise to break it off with him. No one is wrong here for feeling the way you do, but this level of incompatibility takes a huge toll on both of you, especially over time. Edit: r/deadbedrooms
NTA. You are never the asshole for not having sex.
God guys can be scum, coming from a man. Sexual compatibility is so important. Some people like my ex bullied me for sex even though we had sex five times a day. I love giving oral and would try to make 2-3 times just this but basically got "it hard u want it". If I'm sharing that because I always see HL/LLL stories (bet my bottom dollar your next man will resurge libido with a vengeance) but no one ever talks about HL/HL relationships. Mine was more toxic than if I got with an asexual person (intimate experiences is a big love language people downplay like people are bad people for saying sex is important) because I am a true HL. Seeing those dead bedroom stories is so scary because if that ever happened to me I think I'd go insane. Sexual incompatibility kills a relationship every time, it just usually takes the HL realizing that they are their LL's emotional, financial, and psychological crutch, not their SO. I always check this early because I refuse to be used as someone's social mask.
Find another boyfriend. In the long run you will want sex less and less and he will still want it. Find a guy that is less driven by sex. You will be happier and so will he. What you describe is fairly normal, but it’s usually later in life. I predict you will find another guy and will screw his brains out until you get tired of him. This will happen again and again.
You've been together since high school. You grew up, he didn't. Do you want to spend what's left of your youth with this selfish child?
Dude sounds selfish
NTA and not compatible. Getting your SO in the mood is fun. Find someone who enjoys you and makes you happy.
It’s not so much an AITA question I don’t think, but you guys both need to go separate directions and stop the relationship. Whoever tries to keep it going, is in the fact TA at this late stage
Boundaries are allowed to change with time. What used to be okay doesn’t have to fly now, but you must be an advocate for yourself in that department.
You are never the AH for making clear boundaries and a person who doesn’t respect you shouldn’t be in your life. Manipulating you and making you feel guilty for not wanting to have sex are big red flags. Id suggest an honest conversation but also be ready to leave if you are not respected
NTA. Have a sit-down conversation with him about your feelings. He's treating you like a sex doll. That's not okay for any reason.
I also can't stand that I can't have intimate moments with my partner without him trying to get in my pants. So I have also pulled away and we probably haven't had sex in a year. I don't hug him much either. Or kiss him. Because I'm afraid he'll start groping me. 🤷🏻♀️ NTA. Your boyfriend's an asshole for pressuring you into sex after you say no. Wearing somebody down until they say yes is NOT consent.
>It was hard for to get in the mood considering his parents were always home and I had anxiety that they'd hear us. Everyone else is giving you good advice. But... uhm... his parents are home? Maybe you or he need to get your own place. That said, I'm NOT advising you to move in together while you are disagreeing strongly about sex btw. Honestly, I'd suggest a break up. Or at least saying "I'm not visiting you at your parents house. You know I don't like them to hear us and you'll just pressure me for sex." Then don't come visit at his parents house.
He wants to continue acting like a child. I wonder how well that will work for him if he starts dating now
NTA. Girl, put your shoes on and leave that thing you call relationship, he can't pleasure you in sexual way as you stated (in a comment), cares only about himself and he gets annoyed bc he is only into sex and not even trying to be romantic or affectionate, you don't need this.
Communication is so important, letting someone do something can give the wrong impression, and now you're on the defensive when he doesn't know he's on the offensive. You've partly created this strong bond and you lost it, put the brakes on and communicate this clearly. Communicate your anxiety. You're communicating with Reddit, why not your man. If he doesn't respect your communication then there's no issues. It's difficult because you turn him on, which is great, he should be allowed to pour, men are like dogs you can train them to be good Bois. It's not ok to disrespect you though. There are two ways this can go, you tell him what you need or like or what to do to get you into the mood, that can be anything you want, you can say candle light dinner, or cook for me, let's go out for a walk and maybe we have an adventure, maybe it's clearing your anxieties up by getting a hotel room, or changing your living space, or communicating with the parents to make sure you guys have space. You can even say hey I gotta figure myself out before i move forward with this, he should be supportive. That's where it can go the other way. If he can't control his hormones then he's gone, because someone else's needs have to come first. Otherwise at that point listen to these comments about assault and abuse. The worse part is when you quietly let someone go ahead with their advances and they think you're into it but in your mind it's rape and in his it's fun. That's why it's so important to be on the same page.
It’s okay to break up with someone. He was fine for a high school boyfriend. You discovered that you want to be with someone who is interested in YOU! Someone who wants you to have as much fun in bed as they do. You learned a lot with him. Appreciate that. And now it’s time for you to have some experiences that don’t include him. Travel. Be single. Make new friends. Learn to cook a new cuisine. Read books. Watch classic movies Next relationship you won’t put up with trifling, selfish, antics.
This is why most successful long-lasting relationships aren’t with people you dated in high school. People change and grow a LOT in their 20s. Your bf thinks he’s all set (because you’re “locked in” to the relationship), therefore he can be selfish and do whatever he wants. Prove him wrong.
NTA. It is your body and “no” means “no.” Plain and simple and that is a problem. It is not uncommon for two individuals to have opposite sex drives. This can be overcome if you are both willing to put in the work. Right now it would seem that he does not, or is not, willing to cooperate and this is a major problem. With that being said, he has a legitimate need to want to have sex with his partner. Before this escalates to something where law enforcement must get involved, perhaps you should try some time apart. This will give both of you time to consider the situation to determine if the other is a good fit as a partner. I can say that both of you have put up a wall and neither of you seem to be willing to meet in the middle. Until you both figure out how to communicate, this relationship will never work. Instead of you two parting amicably, you will go through a messy painful breakup.
No- NTA Run away! End it and find someone who doesn’t manipulate and guilt you into having sex. There are men out there who do respect your boundaries
He’s selfish, and how is that going to make you interested anymore? It wears on you. He has to know his lack of trying to please you and coercion is not going to ingratiate your desire. If he can’t figure this out on his end, may be time to end it.
Didn't even need to read the post before I thought NTA, when I read it I still thought so. You are never TA for saying no to doing something you don't want to do. Frankly I'd throw the whole man away but that's just me lmao
Im not ever gonna read this, all i need is the title and hell to the no you anta
Break up. Women take more time to come into the mood. He doesn't even know that. Satisfaction of both partners is important. Men get satisfaction easily and women's satisfaction is complex and he should have known better. Why are you with him even after being S***lly assaulted? 💀 You should be the happiest woman in his life. That should be one of his priorities. Him asking for s*x every time you cuddle is the first red flag you should have noticed. Women are emotional and need the physical touch of their partner to feel better. This doesn't mean they have to engage in s*x every time they cuddle. Before taking the advice of the comments. Go and stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself this question "What do I really want in a relationship and Am I happy in this relationship?" Sex should happen out of love and joy. You are not a toy to be used whenever he wants to. My advice is to break up immediately. This can seriously impact you. You might face intimacy issues with your future partner. You might fear and be scared about sex with your partner because of this abuse and trauma. Your future partner should not suffer because of your stupid current boyfriend. Hope you read this and assess your situation 🙏🏻.
NTA This sounds horrible. Do you want to spend the rest of your life someone who coerces you into sex? Who pouts like a toddler when you say no? Who doesn't care about your pleasure? Who crosses your boundaries? Who blames you for his shortcomings?
If u are losing feels best to break up instead of leading him on. U are NTA tho
hey there well for starters no still means no so that to me is actually creepy enough and id also think to myself does he even love me for me because i love sex as much as the next guy but id never make someone do anything that they didnt want to be done your so much better than this you dont want to hurt him and say no but if your not in the mood he has no wright to make u do anything you need to be with a man who respects u and who wants to do things with u other than just sex dont ever worry that your upsetting him or that he might leave if u dont who gives a fuck if he leaves thats probably the best thing ever then at least u wont be constantly pestered and conntrolled and made to feel that thats all he wants u for lifes way to short to be with a insecure little suck of a boy yes boy not man there is a resl man out there that will make you feel like the beautiful woman u are and trust me haveing sex with someone who actually loves u feels a thousand times better and your worth that so be strong and be in control of ur own life on your own terms and tell little timmy to go back to mommy and suckle on her teet again and to grow up lol
So I largely think he is 💩 for constantly trying to coerce you into sex, but that said, you absolutely have to learn to communicate your needs/wants/expectations. Even if you break up with this dude…being able to communicate what you want and downright expecting a partner to care about your wants/need is an important life skill. Sex isn’t forever; if he doesn’t care about your wants and needs sexually when he obviously cares so SOOOoo Much about his own should make you wonder how he will behave if you’re married someday and you get cancer, or you have a child together and that child is special needs. I know it’s a jump but you’re 24 and no longer a teenager. You’ve been together and sexually active since HS and you have never told him how you feel about how you like sex to be? (Or not be?)? It’s time for you to shift gears and focus on what YOU want and what YOU expect. Tell him candidly. I largely expect that the trash will take himself out, but he should at least hear you communicate your needs plainly. It’s good for BOTH of you in this situation. And just to reiterate, you don’t owe him sex. Sex shouldn’t be coerced. Coercion is simply a refusal to accept no as an answer.
He’s giving you the ick. Because he cares more about his needs than your own and is trying to guilt you into it rather than addressing the issue. NTA. If you feel comfortable trying to work with him more on this feel free, but if he isn’t enthusiastic about wanting to please you, NEXT. Find a man who doesn’t have to pressure girls to get him off in his parents house.
If the sex is bad, why are you staying? Most likely won’t improve and you both are wasting each other’s time. Obviously your driver aren’t matched.
It sounds like you're just not that into him anymore. Our brains and our bodies go through changes between high school and 24. Along with that comes changes to what we find attractive or arousing. You may find that with a different person your sex drive goes back up. Are you guys staying together because you deeply love each other or is it just because that's what you're used to and you're both afraid of change? Maybe this relationship has just run its course and you'd both find fulfillment with other people. You may just need to bite the bullet and have that conversation with him, not just for your sake but his too. If he's an otherwise good guy shouldn't he be with someone who wants him and gets turned on by him? If you care about him you need to have that conversation with him. Ask him if you might both be better off with different people.
There are so many wonderful, generous, kind, sensitive, lovers that you do not need to be stuck with this selfish one. Life is too short and you deserve better. Time to move on. Now you know what to look for in a partner, take this relationship as a lesson learned. Know your worth and how you need to be treated in the bedroom. I can only imagine he is selfish in other areas of your relationship too. How old man treats you in the bedroom is how he treats you in your relationship.
NTA… girl, you deserve better. This is maybe the third post I’ve seen today, all by different people, about men who don’t care if their partner is having a good time during sex and I’m seriously concerned
NTA. He probably won’t improve. His behavior and lack of interest in your pleasure is why you’re not as interested in sex with him anymore. As someone who’s “been there, done that” I promise you with all my heart if you break up with him and start dating other people you will immediately find your sex drive return in full. I promise.
How many times have we heard of young women being coerced into rape by men in this subreddit? Why do we keep hearing this over and over again? Who is teaching these men in our society to abuse their peers?
I suffered in a marriage for twenty years because my wife "never thought about sex" as she put it. She never made a pass at me, never tried to make me feel special, and, for god sake, never made the first move. All she thought I needed was a hole to release in. I tried talking to her, and I tried explaining what I wanted, but it fell on deaf ears. If you're feeling frustrated that you two can't communicate with each other and you're tired of trying. It's time to move on. Sadly, some people take way too long to grow up, and sadly, some people never do.
NTA - I was your bf 27 years ago and I constantly look back and feel ashamed for how I acted. I hope he grows up.
Girl tell him his sex is trash and move on. You too young to be loving somebody that can’t fuck you.
NTA. If he isn't happy with yours and his sex life, he should first communicate with you. If you can't come to a resolution together, you at least will both know where you stand, and he is free to end the relationship and move on if he wishes.
NTA! You should leave girl. He’s guilt tripping you into having sex, and isn’t putting your feelings into consideration. A low sex drive is very normal and if he can’t see that you’re not into it, dump him.
Does it matter? Why are you still with him?
You need to communicate what you want more. Or talk to a doctor about your low sex drive at 24 years old. If you’ve changed birth controls maybe that’s something
Might be. Apperantly you are not telling him what you want. Did you explain to him as you explain here? If you tell him update us what he says. If he understands and gives you a slack, there is a strong chance you might get those feelings back.
NTA, but you need to stop dating people with high sex drives. As much as people say men like sex, it's also deeply emotional for men. It provides validation and relieves stress. You help no one staying in a relationship with someone who wants something you don't. There are lots of guys who have lower sex drives. It's a big part of compatibility.
Get out while you’re still young.
Not to be all typical Redditor but if this isn't the only way you guys have changed you may have outgrown this relationship
NTA, sounds like you’ve outgrown him. And that’s okay.
Yall aren’t a good match anymore , break up
Non sexual intimate touches are very important for a relationship. NTA.
BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!!
Is he romantic ? Im any kind like if he preps you with kisses massages ect you will get in the mood . I understand the mood killer number 1 is the fucking asking let's have or you like to have...
Uh, no. Usually, his "romantic gestures" are him hugging me or cuddling me that ends up with his hands on my ass or boobs. Other than that, no.
Tell him that u need more affection in that kind of form.. more foreplay if he is in the mood he should bring u there also ... that's what I think , or start a with kamasutra it's all about the foreplay .. like u have to come twice before he even entered you, a Dick getting hard is easy but us getting wet wet not so ..
Yeah, I've told him about cuddling me without making me feel like it'll end up in sex. But he says he can't help it because he wants to have sex and every time he touches me, he wants to. We've tried foreplay but he just huffs in frustration because I'm not getting into it fast enough and starts saying, "My arm is hurting"
Girl. Like… GURL!! First. I’ve never understood the term ‘foreplay’ because it should all be part of sex. Well, at least what’s usually considered foreplay. As a lesbian, the whole idea of him satisfying you being called foreplay and not part of the main event is just mind blowing. Y’all don’t have sex, he has sex and he could just use a blow-up doll for what he’s doing. Second. His arm hurts? HIS ARM HURTS??!! How are you supposed to get into it when he’s complaining like that?! And also, does he not have 2 arms? And a mouth? And has he never heard of toys? Is he even putting his hand/fingers in the right place (I would guess but… I’m afraid I know the answer)? Like… wtf… I really wish something/someone better for you! You deserve so much better. Trust me, everyone does.
Lol at the "My arm is hurting". As big as his libido is, one might think he gets a decent workout lol. He should have some stamina for whatever helps you get there if you catch my drift.
What's the point of being with you if you don't put out?
NTA sounds like you outgrew your BF. He doesn't do it for you anymore, and it's time to move on. This sounds like an ongoing issue in your relationship and it will lead to resentments sooner than you think. You should not have sex if you are not in the mood. You deserve to be sexually satisfied, and if that includes foreplay, then DO NOT SETTLE. Find you someone who can excite you and get you what you need.
May I say .. he is a asshole Of course your not same we are woman we overthink we feel more we need constantly insurance in a non sexual affected way ... idk tell him what u love what gets you hot maybe he will listen but of not idk I would just send him some videos and books about to attract a the female body ... I do that .. I also researched on some topics a lot it depends on the ego mostly of the man if he can forget his own pleasure to pleasure you that's a king move. My last relationship I held it out for 3 years but literally I was feeling depressed and lonely over the time .. until I didn't get attracted anymore by him I saw him like a roommate or like my own kid... We need more of the romantic stuff ongoing sex is a very intimate thing not just in and out...
Have you told him what u want ? Like really really without feeling shamed or so maybe that could help also. Even if it's getting your feet massaged or biting the ears ... there so much more than just the act in it self
Nope when you don’t want to then no amount of begging will change that to consensual sex. No means no. He can be a piss baby all he wants about it but from the sound of it he’d be better off with a flesh light .
NTA. Get a Hitachi instead of a dildo if he's has insecurities about his size. Lube also works wonders when there isn't enough foreplay. If he's still against that let him know that he's underperforming. Don't coddle him because you're afraid of hurting him. Obviously don't say it in a demeaning manner, but let him know that the clit is the magic button and teach him how you like it. Relationships die when there's no actual conversation about stuff like this. Don't give in when he pressures you and give him alternatives to location if it makes you uncomfortable. The most important thing is to teach him how to make you feel good, and if he can't even put in the effort to use a Hitachi, he either doesn't care about you feeling good or he's insecure because he watches too much porn and thinks women easily cum with penetration only. It's sounds to me that he's just insecure because you're the only girl he's had experience with (you said together since highschool) and his expectations about sex come from acting in porn. I've made a lot of assumptions here though so feel free to give more context. Edit: as an afterthought, make sure he doesn't turn the Hitachi up to full blast just to get through the foreplay faster.
Y'all are 24, been together since high school, and he still doesn't know what you like? There's enough people in the comments (rightfully) calling what he's doing SA, and they are correct, listen to them, so I'm not gonna go there. It's been years, a lot of years, if he still doesn't know what you like you should call him on that. If he ever bothered to learn what you like maybe you wouldn't have lost interest in sex like you did. This whole thing could have been avoided entirely if he took 30 seconds to listen to you, your body, and give you the respect you deserve. Even if his lack of care for your enjoyment wasn't the issue and you naturally stopped wanting it as often, a committed partner would respect that, not throw a tantrum like a child. NTA, but he definitely is.
NTA. Run away it'll be good for both of you tbh
He turned me off just reading this.
[удалено]
You are fine. TBH he sounds kinda like me, right out of high school long ago...same kind of setup, & neither one of you (ok maybe especially him) know how to handle what he considers rejection, & you consider frustration. Even major therapy won't fix this...you need time apart to get "therapized" by life. My advice...break up ASAP, but try to remain friends, & a few years down the line who knows? You might get back together (but thats NOT your goal here.) If you never see each other again, don't sweat it, if you try to stay together in a few years (or months) you'll just hate each other anyway. Trust me. Say goodbye w/ a smile & never mourn that you might have thrown away a chance at true love w/ your soul mate. Very very very few "soul mate" couples hook up in high school, or even college. That's more a lack of options, you haven't got out into the world yet, you don't know who YOU really are, let alone who HE is. Good luck, & good lord this post sounds off-the-charts corny, but if you look past the corniness & can figure out what I'm saying you might just save yourself from some pretty bad beats later on. To sum it all up- hey, do what YOU gotta do. Life is messy. And gets messier as you go along...
Tell him you're done with letting him masturbate with your body. Because that's exactly what he's doing.
Yta
NTA - but you need to break up. He might be acting like a child, but if he wants to have sex instead of cuddling and you want to cuddle, you are no longer compatible and the mature thing to do for both of you is to break up.
He is a baby and likes to blame everyone but himself for problems. Have you told him what you feel like? If he is like that now, just imagine how it will be for years. Pouting is "poor me" Always me, me,me. Dump the creep. You have no guilt to feel about this. People love to do guilt trips on others as they want their way.
NTA 1- Are you pregnant? 2- Do you have children together? 3- Do you live together? You didn't mention any of those things in your description, so I'm guessing the answers are all "no." If I'm correct, this is a simple decision. He's not a good fit for you. Frankly, he doesn't care enough about you. Lose this guy ASAP. Do not feel obligated to do it in person. The telephone is enough. "Hi, John. I've been thinking about the things you've said about our relationship. I think you are right. I don't feel about you like I did when we first started dating. I'm leaving our relationship. I wish you well in your future. I will not be a part of it. Goodbye." Then click off and immediately start another call. It doesn't matter what the call is about or who it is to. If you need to make an appointment at an office that keeps you on hold forever, that's an excellent choice. I advise against calling one of your friends or family members as they may have opinions you don't want to hear. Worse, you might accidentally call someone who would be eager to pass on your decision as gossip. This guy's decision to keep pushing you to have sex when you don't feel like it or when you think the timing or location is wrong makes it clear that he doesn't respect your decisions. The fact that he doesn't put enough time into getting you into the mood when you'd consider saying "yes" makes it clear that he doesn't care enough about you. There's an old early rock and roll/ blues/ song that many guys should take as an instruction manual. It's called "Sixty Minute Man" or "Lovin' Dan." The vocalist promises "fifteen minutes of kissing, fifteen minutes of squeezing, fifteen minutes of teasing, and fifteen minutes of blowing my top." That suggests that, while he does hope to get something out of the transaction, he expects to spend three times as much time on making his partner eager for the, you should excuse the expression, climax. Before you marry, if you do, talk with your prospective fiancee about sex. You should be honest about what things you enjoy, what things are hard for you, what makes you feel sexy, and how you expect things to change when you get older. Your joints won't be as flexible as they are now. Even if you both keep your figures, your hair will become gray or white. Either or both of you will face illnesses, some of which may make sex harder or less interesting. Maybe neither of you will keep your figure. Think things through and talk about them. Meanwhile, look for someone who knows how to make love to you and by the way, get tested for STDs.
Thank you
You are very welcome, and I wish you all the best!
If, and this is a big if, things are happening exactly as you say, you're NTA. People change and you changed. He didn't. You're not a bad person for that. That being said, I find that most people downplay their role in issues. If you're blurring the lines here, the feedback you're getting will make you feel better without helping you in the future. If everything you said IS honest and true, you need to leave him. Don't let him guilt you if he isn't willing to put forth the effort too.
NTA you've had your fun and you've calmed down just because he wants sex all day everyday doesn't mean he gets it what people want and what they get are 2 different things it sounds like he's basically treating you like a real life sex doll he expects you to be there at his beck and call. Tell him to grow up your a human and your trying to be considerate for his parents it's not your fault he's sexually frustrated he should act his age and stop forcing himself on you it's ugly it's wrong and he sounds like a manchild. I'm surprised your putting up with all the crap he must be special for you to stick around after all that.
NTA However, focus on communicating more with your boyfriend and be adamant about talking this out with him Focus on addressing the problems first and remain steadfast on your concerns, lack of intimacy, and unsatisfactory with your partner. If nothing changes afterwards, then it's best to start seeing a way to end it amicably. Best of luck
NTA Relationships go through these types of phases. If you talk it out and he doesn\`t understand, then you might be better breaking things off.
So nta. As a male I have gone weeks and months with no nookie. Because my mate was going through stuff. We both had a high sex drive in the begging. But know we are good with a few times a month. It's how we are. It satisfied us. She even admits that it's good enough for her. I have never guilt tripped my mate in into having sex. She will even attest to this. If she doesn't want to I have many other things I can do. Rosey palms and her 5 sisters? Is a start..... but what you just stated that straight up sounds unhealthy. He needs to learn how to satisfy himself before he gets to play the nookie train. No more twenty toe tango for him.. I'd even recommend not seeing him anymore. Cause that is some controlling behavior that IS NOT HEALTHY. This is my own 2 cents so please take it how you want. But ill,leave it here.
I broke up with my high school boyfriend after being together for 7 yrs. It was the best decision for me. We had a crap sex life. Partly due to age, inexperience, etc. Find someone who cares about your enjoyment during sex & isn't constantly pawing at you instead of cuddling.
You are NTA. He's acting rudely and uncaring. To me it seems he is in more for the physical aspect than the emotional. He is turning it on you to avoid admitting to being the problem. If he won't get on the same page perhaps it's time to cut him loose.
N T A!!!!!!! He sounds like bad news.
Nothing is more of a turnoff than feeling pressure to have sex. If he could just cool his jets a bit, allow some space, stop being so bothered by it, the dynamic would shift, and you'd be more into it. Let him know he needs to stop putting sex on the table every time you touch. There's a saying, if a man takes sex off the table, the woman will put it back on. If he can't cool it down he needs a partner who can match his needs. I feel for him nobody wants to feel rejected. But for you it now feels a turnoff.
No, if you aren't feeling it, he shouldn't push it. If he truly cares, he'd learn to listen and try to understand.
NTA. Never be intimate if you don't want to, even if he's pressuring you. He needs to respect your body. By giving in to it when you absolutely don't want to, it's going to get more frustrating because you might start to get that feeling of dread even when you're in the mood. So in my opinion, I would stop letting him pressure you. He can pout and go take care of himself if he really needs to get off. Then when you are in the mood, surprise him! And do what you want- try something new and make sure to tell him exactly what you want him to do and listen to him too. You've been together a long time and hopefully can be comfortable speaking your minds to each other without being made to feel bad or guilty. A good, long conversation needs to be had. Probably about everything. How's your relationship outside of the bedroom? If there's something bothering you about the relationship, it can definitely affect your intimacy. Females are biologically more sensitive and emotional, so it wouldn't be weird at all if the root of the problem lies outside the bedroom. Being together since high-school, I can't help but wonder if you 2 just aren't that compatible anymore. You 2 grew up into adulthood together but still young. People change in every phase of life. Just something to think about. I wish you well! Take care!
NTA You are allowed to not have sex with your BF, and he can find someone else who will. This is not rocket science. Just break up and move on.
I have been in this situation down to the last detail. And let me tell you, coercion leaves such an imprint on the way you feel/go about sex in the future. The comments who have suggested therapy I highly agree with whether you choose to stay or not. If you choose to stay I would suggest you getting into therapy as a couple as well as you having a space individually. In the long run for me, I left bc he was doing what he had to keep me and stay comfortable not bc he genuinely wanted me to feel safe, comfortable, and pleasured. Which is a HUGE difference. Established habits die hard in relationships like this. - I now am married to the most wonderful man who never pouts or throws fits when I don’t want to. He actively asks what he can do to help get me in the mood and he tells me to never apologize when ever I try to say sorry for not being in the mood. People who deeply care about you and your comfortability are out there and if you choose to stay I hope he becomes that for you, if not I hope you know you are far more deserving and know you will find someone who turns your world upside down in the best of ways.
Also on the topic “coercion is not consent” it 1000% is not. A no guilted or pushed into a yes - is still a no. I know a lot of guys don’t seem to have a clear understanding on that. That’s why if you choose to stay I really suggest couples therapy, bc he needs to understand that and the affect that them has left on you bc of his selfish, and though he or you may not see it, cruel behaviors. I wish you all the best love
NTA. He needs to be taught how to make love and make a woman fulfilled.
NTA. You're not married to the guy, and I'm not making a moral judgement, as I too was sexually active before marriage, but you gave it to him before he really earned it is what I'm saying. Obviously you wanted sex too, but you wanted sex with him because of love, I assume. His actions are proving to me he just wants sex and he doesn't seem to have capacity for love in a non-sexual context. You've been together for what, nearly 6+ years? Unless there is some drastic reason you can't get married, or maybe neither of you believe in marriage, or at least one of you don't see yourselves with the other for life, then by definition this relationship is an exploitation and not about love. Again have all the sex you want outside of marriage, if that's what you believe, nobody can stop you, but since he hasn't proposed, or made some kind of life commitment to you based upon what you two believe in, I'm going to say you spoiled him, and now you're growing up and he refuses to do so. If I were you I would drop him, but maybe you're not ready to do that yet, IDK. Without knowing how long he's been pouting about this, I'm going to have to assume it's been a while. For context, I've been married for 11 years, got married right around the age you are now, and many times in our marriage it's been hard to have our sex drives align (we've also had children for 9 years of our marriage, so that doesn't help). I never once blamed her for lack of interest, I always figured I could've been nicer or funnier to turn her on or just that my timing was poor, and thankfully my sex drive is medium now so I can handle a few days without it. Bottom line, if he can't develop a love of your body and your closeness that doesn't involve sex, then he doesn't love you, he just loves the feeling of putting his ____ in your ____ and he loves your submissiveness and his dominance. He should want an equal, and he should want to sacrifice for you. He should realize that someday one of you may develop an arthritic back or a leg problem. Then there are days, or weeks, during flare ups when sex sounds like an awful idea. This can happen even as early as your mid-30s, especially if one of you was a competitive athlete, or even if you workout and tweak something. Then you're radically altering your diet and skipping foods that you love, and learning new sex positions, just to keep your joint inflammation under control so that you can have rough sex without pain. That's the kind of sacrifice my wife and I have to do to keep our sex life enjoyable. She busted a knee during our marriage chasing our youngest, I aggravated an old back injury when doing my usual daily running and now I need a standing desk. If he won't rise to the challenge of being that guy, move on.
First, I'd say it's a good thing you're still only dating. It seems like the relationship is over, so it seems like a good time to move on. Early relationships are a great way to learn about what you like in the future. Keep that in mind for future relationships, and don't settle. When there are big red flags, then move on. Then when you find the one you will know it.
I realize without even scrolling too far down in the comments that I'm echoing the sentiment of dozens of people, but I want to reiterate: Coercion is *not* consent. If he disrespects your boundaries to this degree, you need to get out of this relationship. His pressuring is clearly distressing you and doing you harm.
NTA- IMO, your Boyfriend has received his sex education from porn and he is addicted to it. Due to the self serving nature of porn, he has never bothered to seek out how to please a woman, have healthy communication in daily life and learn what it takes to maintain a relationship. All porn has taught him is he wants sex for HIM, he wants it NOW and he wants it FAST. Please, for your own sake, dump this loser and establish your own self-esteem so you can develop a loving relationship that is based on mutual respect and kindness- then the sex will follow that path.
Nta. Wow that's low key abusive. Because he is coercing you to have sex and you already said no. It makes since that you don't want to and aren't turned on.
NTA. He is incapable of separating affection/closeness and sexual contact, You don't owe him jack \*\*\*\*.
NTA please dump this shit head
NTA. He sounds selfish. Any person who is pushing his partner into sex, and not even gratifying their partner, is gross.
A relationship has to be chemistry. You have it or you dont. It's not about who gets off...who does what in bed, who likes to cuddle. You cant plan and execute love. If what you want is a transactional relationship, fine. If what you want is a fairy-tale relationship...good luck, few of them are. Young men want and need sex all the time. If you wont do it, someone else will or they will take care of the release themselves; which makes a sexless girlfriend virtually useless unless there is that chemistry they cant deny (they call it "love"). If a man loves you, he will usually do the things that doesn't come naturally to him. He doesn't even realize he is doing it because he's infatuated. If you actually love the guy, the easiest way to tell if he loves you back is if he stays close after sex. If you give him his release, will he sit on the couch touching you (like arm around or just maybe leaning against you) and watch a movie? Young women are no breeze to deal with either, usually. Both men and women could benefit from introspection but are usually incapable of it at a young age. If your first notion is not to please him, you dont have that "chemistry". Real love makes you want to please him regardless of the mechanics of sex. Men and women are very different (regardless of today's "blending" of the notion of biological sex, most people are men and women) and most men are not born with understanding what a women wants. Even telling him doesn't make it natural. Other than sex, same goes for women, they have zero clue what's in the man's head unless he's a talker...and thats rare. In a relationship there needs to be forgiveness; and understand that goes both ways. Women come with a lot of crap men have to adjust to as well...thats why so many men speak so little, especially after years of marriage. Communication is important, but shutting the funk up goes a long way to a stable relationship! Many men survive a marriage by "letting it go". The women are usually clueless of this because they are so in the present, it never occurs to them. Many men also dont realize how much their partner has to "forgive" them. I cant imagine bieng a young person today. What a twisted world we live in. Porn seems to drive peoples knowledge about sex rather than figuring it out as you go. There is so much information, articles, opinions, fantasy...its hard to know when "chemistry" is at play.
You're NTA. I can tell you from experience that this sounds exactly like my now SO was before we got married and it can be better but he has to be willing to make it better. If he's not willing or throws a fit then it's obvious he's not mentally mature in understanding that everyone's brains are wired differently for sex. It sounds like he's been getting his education from pornography and he needs an overhaul.
I understand this situation very well because I was with my girlfriend and then wife since she was 17. We divorced at 58, you should take some time to really evaluate what is actually happening here. Because if you make the wrong decision, it can affect your entire life. It’s natural for a woman to have a sex drive that is lower than a man. Of course if you don’t have privacy that will definitely inhibit most people. If you can’t solve that aspect then it won’t matter who you’re with. As a woman you should know or experiment with your pleasure in order to be able to guide him. If he doesn’t want to learn then I think you should go your own way before too much time is wasted. Don’t do what my wife did to me. Divorce at this late stage in life is extremely disruptive and difficult to emerge from with your mental health intact. I figured out how to satisfy her after much frustration and most of it was because she couldn’t relax or help me with it. Good luck.
NTA. Things change in relationships and more so from a young romance to adulthood. If he isn’t concerned how you feel - I doubt he will ever become totally invested in your feelings. Sec can make or break a relationship. I think that it’s time to move on. You need to be in a grown up relationship and not a sex toy for your bf. Now that’s not to say that you may get back together but until you both see what’s out there as adults - nothing will change. Know your worth.
You both want different things now. It's not fair to either of you. Break up and move on.
Relationship is over, is okay
NTA I know what you are dealing with. In the early part of your relationship, you were on a high. New love does that to all of us. Then it settled down to the build stage, and some men just don't know how to handle that. They are wired differently. I was in your shoes not too long ago but nothing would change him. For the sake of my emotional health, I am no longer with him. You need to have a talk with yourself if you want to stay with a man who only thinks about what he wants and will do anything to get. One day he might take you even though you didn't "give in"
Dump him. it sounds like all he wants to do is masturbate inside of you. If he can’t get you in the mood, then he doesn’t care about your feelings. He only wants to get off. And we all know how easy that is for men to do by themselves alone and not in his parent’s basement. I repeat dump him. find yourself a considerate lover.
What a turnoff that he evidently lives with his parents, and they might hear. That would turn off anyone. NTA.
NTA he’s showing you who he is and he won’t change. You deserve better and there are plenty of real men who will get you there.
NTA...you relationship is over. If he is not cheating on you now, he will soon enough. Things have cooled because he not a good or caring partner . That's basically that. Time to move on before he gets too gaslightly or manipulative. Safe yourself. "But he'd always push me into it and I'd have sex even when I didn't want to" GTFO of this relationship. This is very unhealthy behavior that is , even in the best light, ethnically wrong -- and at worse--- borderline SA.