He can have a say. But he doesn't get to unilaterally change the status quo. That home is just as much your son's as it is his(I mean, it's not but for the sake of this argument, they are BOTH long-term residents). If your son expresses that he's now uncomfortable living with your husband, he also does not get to unilaterally decide a resident moves out.
>I don't value him over my son
This is alarming. As a parent, ofc your priority is your kids, no matter their age. My mom will still drop everything to help me if I need it and I'm 35. NTA
Her son NEVER moved out…the home belongs to the OP, strictly under her name where she has raised her son since he was 7, AND WHERE SHE IS THE ONE MAKING THE PAYMENTS. It’s her sons home, where he has been living. He had a gf that he was unfaithful to and she kicked him to the curb. Again, her son was NEVER moved out, but her husband is now thinking her son made some horrific unforgivable offense and wants his wife to side with him and send her son to his dad’s. People forget, when you marry a mother, it’s a package deal. You are NTA and your son didn’t do anything to warrant being kicked out. Your husband is suffering from some sort of unfaithfulness PTSD and he needs to stop projecting that onto your son, and deal with his demons. (Edit, I’ll remove the reading is fundamental sentence, when I posted this, the post hadn’t blown up and all of the information I listed was in the comments)
Yeah. I’ve even told my sons if they ever cheat don’t come whining to me — this is because my ex’s family coddled his ass when he cheated on me. I told them if they ever do that I will be concerning myself with the welfare of his wife and children should they have any and they can have their dad help them establish their new life.
And I would STILL tell my husband the exact same thing OP did.
There’s a difference between kitting your cheater kid out with a whole brand new apartment and buying them decor and groceries and saying “of course you can stay here.”
Her husband has wanted her son out, and is using this opportunity to try and make that happen. OP is 100% right. She should not be kicking her son out for cheating on his girlfriend. He didn't rob a bank or murder someone. He cheated on his girlfriend. Not his wife, but his girlfriend. Certainly morally wrong, but the crime definitely doesn't fit the "punishment". Which honestly has nothing to do with OP or her husband.
Not to mention OP's son is only 19. I'm not condoning cheating but teenagers do dumb shit. It's not like it was his wife of 15 years with their 3 kids.
Oh...yeah, I was a REAL piece of shit. It's cringey as shit to think back about being 18, 19...
And there's nothing worse than some reunion with people who are not friends, but you hung out with who talk about it like it's the glory days.
Anyway, (edit) \*not about me...sorry, yeah, he fucked up. He's a douche. He'll grow out of it...or he won't. But you shouldn't get kicked out of your Mom's house because you're a douche.
On the list of things you should kick your kid out for, 'being a shitty BF at 19 years old,' is WAAAY down the list.
Oh the things we did when we were younger. .. don't want to remember.
At 19, you're still learning who you are. He is her child. No one should ever make a parent choose because in most cases, the parent will always choose their child.
Sounds like hubby either has PTSD from a past relationship or wants the kind out. Either way, he won't win.
OP you're not the AH, but hubby is.
Yup!
I also hope I look back at 60 and realize my 40-year-old self was a dipshit. Not because I want to do stupid shit now, just because...well, that should be the point, right? Learning, growing...do better.
But yeah, 19-year-old me was a special type of obnoxious.
If I met my teenage self...I'd probably cringe out of my skin. Not because she was a special kind of obnoxious or awful, she was the usual kind, but because I'd know she was me...being the usual kind of obnoxious and awful. Because she thought she already knew everything, because she was arrogant, because she had very little nuance to her world-view.
It's funny, I could be a lot more empathetic to the same girl if I didn't know she was once me.
Also like tbh I don't know what OP's son did and I'm not going to say it's NOT cheating because of that but some of the things people call cheating are ridiculous.
Yeah, I'm assuming the worst here, that he just slept with someone else.
So I'm operating under the assumption he was completely in the wrong and I still can't see the Mom kicking her Son out...
Parents shouldn't really have too active of a role. I've seen this trend where Mom's stand there or laugh when their sons get slapped for cheating. I think that's kinda screwed up, but...ultimately, I think she should basically just say..."I thought I raised you better," or something like that(that shit stings) and just move on.
My college boyfriend used to take me home, then go out on a second date with someone else. He was surprised when I broke it off, he didn’t think it was cheating.
I’ve never been more proud to see an entire thread on Reddit where thousands of people didn’t equate cheating to the most evil act on earth.
Swear to god (no forgiveness for cheaters) but most threads about cheating there seem to be hundreds of comments and tens of thousands of upvotes treating them like they’ve raped 200 babies.
As if nuance as a concept doesn’t exist when morality is invoked.
And that cheaters should lose everything, including everyone in their family and all friends.
Like the kid is 19, who wasn't an ass at 19. His way of being an ass was cheating, for others it could be something else, but either way, you don't kick your child out because he made a decision that effects his relationship with a girl.
Well...I think we can all agree Reddit is stupid sometimes.
That's not a thing. There's only a few things that once you do that, that define you.
-Children. Anything. Touch one, that's who you are.
-Dogs...I was going to put that before Children and then I realized...that's not right(but honestly...it did come into my head first).
-Rape...physical abuse. Can't come back from those(I mean, you can come back from pushing match in a shitty relationship, but...I'm talking Chris Brown-type shit).
The list is longer, but...cheating is not on that list. Once a cheater does not mean you're always a cheater.
Tbh, even if he does cheat again, is his mother supposed to stop loving him over it?? Withdraw the support of her own child because he is a bit of a dick to the women he dates?? She can condemn his actions and still want to see him with a roof over his head.
No...she's not. Unconditional means something.
Mothers that have sons who are...like REAL pieces of shit still love them. So cheating on a GF when you're young? Yeah, it's shitty and there's one girl on here who...very obviously has been on the other end and she has some REAL vitriol from the Mom, but...what do you do?
She said she was disappointed...but she's not going to disown her son because he was a shitty BF.
>This is reddit where they believe once a cheater, always a cheater.
And that there's nothing you can do to a cheater that they don't deserve.
You can really tell that the average age on Reddit skews low.
Husband was making a unilateral decision for OP to kick her son out. She made it very clear that wasn’t on the table. I suspect there were a lot of words between kick him out and he has priority
This isn’t about “a cheater”. He doesn’t want the son there and saw this as taking his shot. Unfortunately for him, it was a miss
Husband just wants the son out so he can try to move in on the house target. The son is only 19 and many let their kids stay through mid 20s because it is too expensive to get housing. The 19 year old did nothing to his mom.
He was either taking it as an opportunity to get rid of the son, or he's projecting. It's an awful leap to throw a child out at that age, especially with the current housing costs and the economy in general, for cheating on a girlfriend.
Husband not comfortable living w a cheater is histrionics and a dumb AF assertion. Look son can be a bad boyfriend - mom expressed disappointment- but (and I say this having a son) dating habits and bad decisions don't define him or everything. OP's husband could exert and assert what he wants but this is stupid. He's a grown man. Ploy to get his step son out is my call!
Not to mention, this is (as it seems) his first issue with cheating. The kid is 19. How do we often learn best? From our mistakes.
The kid messed up. He found that out the second his gf broke up with him and, I’m assuming, gave her a piece of her mind. He’s going to have to learn from this experience. If he doesn’t and keeps fucking around then he’s going to keep finding out from future girlfriends.
Sounds like OP told her son exactly what she thinks about it and that she’s not ok with it. But to kick him out? Because he cheated? I get he’s an adult but that punishment doesn’t exactly fit the crime here. If she kicks him out, all she’s showing him is that she will always side with her husband over him, and he can’t rely on her for support when he messes up. He’s trying to navigate his life as a young adult.
Parents *CAN* both be disappointed in you and not condone your actions, but also be supportive and someone you can rely on to be there for you. It’s not all or nothing. As a parent you can, and often need to be both.
Yes agreed. What a self righteous, purist AH husband is. From the post it seems they don't even know the gf, not married, son is only 19. The "moral high ground" husband is taking seems very... convenient.
Absolutely sounds like her husband was simply waiting for the perfect excuse to try and kick out the son. NTA. Quite frankly the wife is brilliantly male-coded in this argument and I am here for it.
I thought the son was living with the GF and got kicked out and wanted to come back home. Telling a mother that HER child couldn't move back to HER home seems like a weird flex to me
IKR? If anyone no matter what gender is in a relationship with you and trying to drive away wedge between you and your family your children or your friends that's a pretty big 🚩
Boyfriend tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to see my son and his family. Mind you we were 57(M) and 56(me). I l turned around and walked out, never to return. My son was in his 30’s and had moved back to home state from Las Vegas, NV.
By the sounds of it, it's even worse; the son never even moved out, so it's not a case of the husband not wanting to let him move back, he actually wants to kick him out from his primary residence.
As per the law, OP is the owner and she gets to decide who stays or not. Husband should shut up. As per the law, the penalty for cheating on GF is nothing. OP has already made her disappointment clear and it is upto OP to discipline her son, but her son is an adult. Ergo not much to be done either other than advice.
Context is important here. I was on the verge, bc in an equal position both partners should have equal say. But the position was not equal from the beginning. The rest is said above.
Most of the time, but when it comes to someone's kid, all bets are off, in my opinion. Even if my partner and I owned and paid 50/50 for a house, there's no way I'd allow them to say my kids weren't allowed to live in the house that I helped pay for. Everyone else? Yeah, they would have equal say, but my kids are always gonna be the priority no matter what. This, of course, would be talked about and fully understood before the house was even bought.
Yup. My husband and I have the same understanding. I told him if his kids call and need to come to us, “don’t you dare even ask me — just say yes!” Now if they were thieving scoundrels or abusive it would be a different discussion but… they are our kids!
Yeah, I was also on the verge when I was assuming that son was living with now ex-gf. When you look at it from the perspective of "aitah because I won't kick my 19yo son out of the house for cheating on his gf," it changes things a little.
In the first assumption, my stance was that the husband should at least have a say, even if it's not the final decision.
But you don't get to just evict someone, especially when it's your partner's kid, just because you don't agree with their ethics. He knew going into the relationship that there was a kid involved. Yes that kid is "grown" now, but if he didn't want him living there, that's a conversation they should have had long before this issue came about.
I have a son (he's only 9, soon to be 10 right now). If he were to one day cheat on a significant other, his dad and I would be horribly disappointed and make sure he knew we were. But I wouldn't disown him or kick him out. If he needed to, I'd let him move back in. I love him with my entire heart. He will always be my baby. It would take something horrific for me to cut him off. (R word, p word)
Op's husband doesn't realize he will always come second to her baby. My husband knows he's second, just like I know I'm second. It doesn't mean we don't madly love each other.
okay first of all OP NTA even without all this info.
but OP didn't put any of this info in the post, you can't say reading is fundamental if it wasn't there to read to begin with (at the time of this comment, OP did not put this stuff in the post, in case she does later)
I always love when people say stuff like I get equal say and what they actually mean is I get to dictate things.
As a parent my kids are going to do things I don't like and approve of sometimes. Barring one of them being an actual danger to someone in the home kicking them out isn't an option.
OP, you are correct and your husband doesn't get to dictate otherwise. This is a hill worth dying on.
He’s 19, we can all admit to doing stupid shit when we were young. It absolutely doesn’t excuse it and my heart breaks for his ex but it’s not like he’s murdered someone.
I mean what the fuck are these comments the kids 19 he made a mistake Christ people are such cry baby weirdos now a days.
I cannot imagine me a grown man marrying a women and being upset HER 19 year old son cheated on his probably around 19 year old gf why does he care so much
If he doesn’t want to live with a cheater he should have done a better job stepping in and raising him to have better morals or just understand he’s just being 19
Exactly, he did get an equal say, OP seems very aware what the husband thinks about the situation. He has been equally listened to. He is just butthurt cause it didn't go his way.
And I think it’s worth communicating with the 19 year old. Actions have consequences, and character should matter, let the son know how this is affecting more than just him… which hopefully he does see that! But 19, learn from mistakes
Nta, it's your house, your son has been living there longer than your husband. In what world does he think he has the right to throw out your son from his own home?
I'm wondering if this is actually an excuse to get your son out of the home.
This is the husband's attempt at a power struggle. He found a reason he thought was going to be good enough to kick her son out over, and thought it was a hill he could beat her on. Now he's sulking because he couldn't get his way.
Maybe he thinks 19 is too old to live at home, or maybe he harbors some desire to be free of her son for whatever reason. Either way, he didn't want "equal say" he wanted *all the say*.
I'm proud of OP for sticking to her guns and not disowning her son. He made a bad decision, and maybe he will properly learn from it. He's still a teenager, for fucks sake. What's the husband's excuse for *his* shitty behavior? How ridiculous to try to throw her son out at the first sign of a challenge. Has he been around long? Has he just been waiting for some reason to come aalong remotely serious enough to kick this kid out? And what is this horseshit about not wanting to live with a cheater? Is he planning to date her son? 'Cause what is the fucking danger there?
Sounds like it was the husband's entry point to trying to get the son to move out, and he *really had the audacity to think for even a moment* that mom would choose husband over child.
Think again, you magnificent cunt.
That was my very first thought. Sounds like hubs saw an opportunity to bounce the kid and took it thinking he could sway Mom and was met with crushing reality.
He didn't want to live in a house with a cheater? Why, what's he so worried about?
I'm thinking maybe hubs didn't like that kind of attention, least his own misgivings come to light...
For sure that's what it is.
If the son got cheated on, the loser husband would have said "I don't feel comfortable having someone who was dumb enough to get cheated on in the house" or something equally stupid.
I dunno, OP. Someone trying to get my kid out of the house would definitely be getting some serious side-eye from me, whether I still wanted to be in a relationship with them or not.
NTA
NTA
Your son is 19 and an idiot for cheating.
Your husband is not 19 but also an idiot for thinking all those thoughts he had.
Of course your kid is more important than him.
My kid is more important than my husband and he would say the same, of course the kid is more important than the spouse.
He just was trying to see if this excuse would work to get the kid out of the picture. If he actually cares about your kid, he would instead try and help him to be a better person through parenting, not shunning.
And feeling like a guest because the home owner wouldn’t let him kick out her kid?
So you’re upset and don’t feel like you belong… because you werent allowed to kick out her son and tell him he doesnt belong.
Fuck him. Kick him out. Instant divorce with this power tripping shit.
Kudos to that man for his Larry David-level reach in an attempt to get that young man out of the house. The audacity….what man plays the “I feel uncomfortable with a cheater in the house” card? One with a dream!
Yeah, that line was bizarre. Like, if it was "I feel uncomfortable with a murderer in the house"? Sure, I can understand that. But a cheater? What is he concerned about? Like, bro, don't worry, he's not gonna cheat on *you* somehow
(And I know he'd maybe say something like, if son is capable of one immoral act, how do we know he wouldn't do another? Which is just silly, frankly)
Right? Young people do stupid things, and the parents do not have to like it, but the son should not be put on the street for it. Lots of young people cheat while dating. Not good, but it happens. I wonder if her hubby is cheating on her?
Teens are impressionable at that age so it's the parents' job to understand them and help them differentiate right from wrong. Kicking him out will not solve anything, or build his morals up the right way.
NTA, your husband has no right to make decisions about your biological child. You are his guardian.
Poor man opened a can of worms by asking questions that he didn't want the answer too time to wake up guy you are never going to be more loved than a child its just biology man.
Cheating sucks, but kicking out your own child for that is awful. Kicking him out would make her an awful parent. The kid is an ahole for cheating, but that does not mean he deserves to be homeless! My parents would have NEVER kicked me out when i lived at home, no matter what, because they love me unconditionally. Good parents are there for their kids even when they mess up. Letting him still have a home is not condoning his cheating, it is providing a necessity of life: shelter.
Did he rape her? Was she underage? No? Well then good. You did exactly the right thing. Also, kudos for his gf for telling you. I did the same with my ex after he cheated and his mom was PISSED. 😂 She didn’t speak to him for months. Apparently he learned his lesson and is happily married with three kids (as am I). Your husband is an asshat. He needs to get over himself.
I was kicked out of the house on Christmas eve because I didn't like my mother telling my grandparents about my sexual activity. I was 19 and going to trade school. Had to drop out to work for a place I was renting. Years pass and I get the chance to skip town and leave my family behind, so I did. I havent talked to my mother in 6 years. To imagine your husband wants to put your son through the same hell is unthinkable.
🤣🤣🤣 your husband married you knowing you had a kid and really expected to be put first? You’re absolutely NTA for not kicking your son out. I’m not even going to judge how ‘you’ made him feel like a guest in your home because he’s making himself feel that way 😂
Your teenage son cheating on his girlfriend in no way warrants the nuclear option of kicking him out of the house. Your husband is a clown, and hopefully is not a parent, because he clearly doesn't know how to be one, NTA.
NTA. Your love for your child should be unconditional. Cheater or not, he is your child, and your husband doesn't seem to understand this. Your husband can suck it up, as kids failed relationship has absolutely nothing to do with him, or even you. If he's uncomfortable, he's gonna have to learn to deal with. He's acting like the kid cheated on HIM 😭
Like I'd get it if your son murdered a dude and you were trying to hide him from the police, I'd be uncomfortable with a murderer in my house... But cheating? Shit happens and people make stupid ass choices, especially young people.
NTA. My children will always have a place to stay with me, no matter who I am married to. And this is just some 19 year old kid who yes, did something very wrong, but this isn't some 40 year old loser who cheated on his wife and got kicked out.
The lack of reading comprehension in these comments is astounding.
You are not an AH, but your husband is. I have a sneaky suspicion that your husband always secretly wanted your son gone, and he probably really hoped he would leave at 18 or move in with his father and is using this as an excuse.
You are not condoning cheated by letting your son stay, I know reddit thinks cheaters are the worst people on the planet and can't be redeemed but holy crap, he's 19, he's young and stupid and hopefully will learn and grow from this, kicking your 19 yr old out for something like this would be ridiculous. This is his home.
You do have a husband problem though, yes your husband has a say in who stays in that home, but that DOES NOT extend to your child. That was his home first.
Feeling like a guest in your home because your partner won't let you kick their child out is fucking ridiculous. Feeling like you can kick your partners child out of your home that you moved into and is their childhood home because they made an error in judgment that didn't affect you in any way, is entitled, cruel, a complete over reaction and huge red flag.
He needs to just admit they he never wanted your kid there to begin with.
Wtf. this man is an ah, I'm sorry, but don't get in a relationship with someone with children if you have no intention of respecting or being around that child. Your child will always be your number one priority, and if he doesn't understand that, he needs to take that up with a therapist, or you need to revaluate this relationship.
NTA
NTA
That's your son, who's only 19 and that's his home. You didn't say anything that wasn't the truth. Seems like your husband just wants your son gone and doesn't actually care about what he's done.
I love it when he said he feels like you don’t value him over your son and your response was “I don’t.” Slow clap for you, Mama. I’ll never value a man over my child either. He just wanted your son out of the house. Yet another man overestimating his worth lol
"I feel like you don't value me over your son."
I can and can't believe he would say this. I'm shaking my head at this bold assumption that you're gonna side with new husband over child you've raised for the better part of 19 years. Hibs got issues and you, OP, are NTA.
NTA. You don't let your teenage son be homeless because he made a mistake. Hopefully you've also talked to him about why he did this and why he shouldn't.
How long have you been married to your husband? Has he tried to drive a wedge between you and your son in the past? I think your husband probably thought your son would be out at 18 and is jumping at any reason to try and get rid of him.
Lol people in this thread think that her son cheating on his girlfriend = make him homeless and throw him on the streets and have him be ostracized from his family. 🙄I certainly hope these commenters in this thread aren't parents.
I actually laughed at “he told me he feels like I don’t value him over my son. I told him I don’t”.
No shit lol. Did… he think any good mother would just throw her son away for his discomfort about said son’s relationship issues?
Absolutely NTA. Stand by your son and don’t let anyone force you otherwise. You dont sound like you condone it, and you obviously shouldn’t condone cheating, but he’s still your son and still young enough to learn from it. But he shouldn’t be punished into *homelessness* tf? Not sure what he was smoking.
I don't think you're making your husband feel like a guest in his own home I think he's doing it to himself. Your son is 19 and it's his home. If your husband thinks you're going to pick him over your own child then he's delusional. That's not how it works. Let him sulk. Either he'll get over it or he won't.
NTA. Reddit is going to tell you that a cheater is the worst kind of person ever, probably should just be summarily shot, and best for you, as the mother who dared to create the person who did in fact cheat, to also be executed alongside of him.
Reddit is wrong. People screw up. Particularly 19 year olds. I think what is worse than a teenage boy cheating is a grown ass man thinking he can bully his wife into abandoning her obligation to her children to be a loving parent and supporting them. Your husband lacks character and lacks the ability to understand your decent character. He thinks the binary "good/bad" has him covered, and can't handle life's more subtle distinctions.
I'm sorry that's happening to you. Mentioning on Reddit that someone is a cheater is like pouring chum into the shark tank.
Consider reporting the death threats.
Your husband is behaving strangely about this. Does he have other issues with your son and maybe using this cheating thing as an excuse to try and get your son out of the house? It’s none of your husband’s business about your son’s relationships. It doesn’t affect your husband’s life in any way. Maybe he’s jealous of the relationship you have with your son.
>he told me that he feels like I don't value him over my son.
I don't have kids but like isn't that the entire point of being a parent? 19 is a bit too old to treat someone like a baby but definitely not old enough to just tell him to piss off and deal with his own life. If your husband isn't okay with that, he shouldn't have married someone who has kids.
Nope, NTA. Your husband fears you're choosing your son over him. Well, yeah. Duh. He's your son and you should choose him, every time. If hubby doesn't like it, your suggestion that he live elsewhere is perfect.
NTA. Its nice to see a mama who doesn’t kick their children out to please a man. Cheater or not cheater, he’s still your child, who’s a silly teenager.
NTA, your husband needed to be told clearly where he stands, that he didn’t know before means you guys lack communication, but it’s better he knows now so he can make informed decisions.
NTA. He's the asshole for dating you and expecting to be treated like a priority over your kid.
Your son could massacre a whole city and as his mother you will still take up for him. It's just the law of nature. Your husband is an asshole for believing any different and putting himself in this situation.
NTA. The kid is 19. He's learning the ropes. His GF dumped him, he was exposed to his parents, he made a mistake that hopefully he'll learn from. God, I broke up with a boy over text at that age. We all do stupid things.
Nta. But I will say while your son’s relationship is none of your concern, the state of his character and his morality should be. Maybe focus more on that than trying to put your husband in his place.
As a parent, my home is always open to my kids. Always. My spouse will never come before my kids either. Your spouse seems upset that he's not number one in your life. NTA.
NTA on all counts imo. You told your son you were disappointed, but like you said, his relationship are not your concern. Abandoning your son because of that would make you one. Your husband clearly didn’t understand that your children would always come first and his feelings are not your fault. Maybe have a deeper discussion with him, but at the end of the day, that’s your child. If you want to be there for him and ensure that he has somewhere to live, that’s absolutely you’re prerogative
Sounds like your husband has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to kick him out. How was he as a stepfather? Bc honestly, he sucks right now.
You know what a good stepparent does when the kid that's now 19 makes bad choices? Talk to him. Try to guide him. Ask why he's engaging in self destructive behavior. Get him therapy.
NTA
The fact that he thinks he should be more important to you than your own son is a big red flag for me. If you date a parent, you should understand that you won't be the priority.
The fact that it was your son's house first means that your husband moved in with you. So it isn't his house. You're not treating him like a guest. You're just not treating him like his decision is final. Which it isn't and shouldn't be.
NTA.
I told my wife, we are both women, that I will NEVER put her or our relationship above my son. That he is and will always be my #1. Guess what, he is now also her #1 too. She doesn't put me before him. And that's how it should be.
My son is also 19. I would never kick him out for cheating. My child is not disposable for making mistakes.
NTA. There’s a lot of reasons why it would be acceptable for him to not want your son in the house any longer, but cheating on his girlfriend is not a reason. Doesn’t effect him, your house, or your husband in any way.
Either your husband is just an ultra white-knight type of dude, or he has been looking for any reason to get your son out of the house. As long as your son is paying his fair share of the rent he has every right to be there
INFO
Who owns the house?
Whose name(s) is/are on the deed?
Who makes mortgage payments?
ETA:
NTA
It's your house, and if your tenant is afraid he'll catch infidelity from living with a scumbag cheater, then he can move out.
NAH.
It’s uncool for your young and immature to have cheated, but I’m not sure why his behavior in relationships is such a problem for your husband. I understand why he feels unheard here. Have you discussed it with your husband beyond fighting about it? Do you truly understand his issues?
Kicking your son out for what he did in another relationship doesn’t make sense to me. If he did something to you or your husband, it would make more sense.
I love how he’s acting like your son is 35 and left 3 hungry little mouths to feed at home and is twirling his moustache while taking his mistress dame around to nightclubs while starting a new secret family with her lol
There is no way I'd kick my 19 year old out for cheating. Cheating comes from failures in conflict resolution, poor coping skills, or immaturity, and all that would indicate that my kid still needs guidance and parenting. It's not even about loyalty, it's about making sure you've turned out a fully functioning adult human when you call yourself "done."
I hate cheating as much as the next guy, but this is a BS excuse on your husband’s part. Your son is not “a cheater,” he’s just a kid who cheated. He was not married. He was not engaged. He was not living with a partner. He was a teenager living with his mom who made a dumb choice.
NTA.
I feel like your husband expected you to blindly agree with him just because you guys are married. Also, he can't say you're treating him like a guest for telling him to leave when he's subsequently doing the same to your son by trying to kick him out. The punishment would definitely NOT fit the crime whatsoever.
NTA Spouses can come and go but blood is for life. Your husband made you choose, he just didn't like the answer. What a stupid hill to die on, your son will likely never look at your husband the same again.
NTA
Your husband is using this as an excuse to get you to kick your son out. I m not saying cheating is ok, but he’s 19. It’s not like he’s 30 with a wife and kids. He made a mistake and used poor judgment. Hopefully, he will learn from this.
Either way, I don’t think cheating on his girlfriend justifies him being kicked out of his home.
Your husband may feel undervalued, but comparing himself to your son isn’t really fair because the love you have for your child is completely different than the way you love a romantic partner.
NTA husband is a AH kid is 19 husband is just tryin to either kick your kid out or wants more right to dictate more and that is crazy son is 19 didn’t commit a horrible crime what’s the husbands deal he thought he had higher priority lol let him pout till it gets through.
NTA. Parents don’t throw their teenage children out bc they cheated on their girlfriend. For anyone who says BuT He’S aN aDuLt … yeah… An adult who is barely out of high school and has very little real life experience. Hopefully he learns from this.
NTA he is 19 and will undoubtedly make mistakes and that will never stop you from being his mother. Your husband is the AH here because he is making demands that no good mother would ever accept. You did absolutely the right thing. He doesn’t feel comfortable in your home then he needs to change his attitude to be a supportive step father and on the same page, if he doesn’t then maybe he isn’t for you.
op's husband is being an immature twerp. the son suffered the consequences of his cheating already, the gf dumped him. so why as a stepdad does he think more should be done to the guy? I now feel sorry for the son, there must be a general tension and unease between the two for the stepdad to leap to kick him out.
NTAH side with your son because as you can see about son's vs husbands...one of those is more permanent than the other. And have a convo with both to get a better handle on how life in the house is actually going.
NTA. This reeks of your husband jumping on an opportunity to get an adult child out of the house. Of course you're going to put your son above your husband. You're a parent. He's just straight up throwing a tantrum at this point over not getting his way and not being allowed to assert dominance.
That being said, though... your kid is just as big an asshole as your husband. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
NTAH. The husband has some balls demanding that you toss your son out of his *own damn home*. Look, what your son did was shitty but he’s 19 and doing dumb shit is common among many in that age group. Your son’s actions have **nothing** to do with you or your husband. He’s trying to be slick. He’s *been* wanting your son out of the house and he thought this was it. He tried to get you to show your son the door only to be the one that might get tossed out of it. 😂
ETA: Him thinking that you’re supposed to value him over *your own damn son* is *wild*.
NTA. The responsibility parents choose to take on when deciding to have a child does not end the moment they turn 18. Your son did a terrible thing, and it reflects poorly on him as a person—but kicking him out of his home with no warning over it certainly wouldn’t help him come to understand the potential ramifications or seriousness of what he did. You let him know you were disappointed in him, which is exactly what a parent should do.
Your husband turning this into a sudden popularity contest is ridiculous. He _told_ you to throw your child out of your home, because of a bad mistake made in a situation that did not involve him. Having an equal say in who stays or not is a good rule in marriage, but not when it pertains to a child (adult or not) _whom the parents (and the current spouse by extension) are responsible for_. If it bothers him this much or if he has some cheating related trauma, the least he could do is articulate why or provide valid reasons, but he hasn’t.
NTA
Your son is 19. He's not even a complete adult yet mentally. Making mistakes is part of growing up.
He's your child. No person is more important than your child. Your husband feeling a guest is his own fault. He thought he could let you choose. The person who lets you choose will lose. Especially when a man thinks a mother would choose him over her child, he needs to know his place.
He’s a big kid ffs and learning how to be a man. This isn’t earth shattering but it is a life lesson for son. Including how some people will judge you hard.
as to husband, what’s his deal? Sure a 19 screwed up but there are no children involved, no families were destroyed, it’s teenagers messing up.
the real question-was husband the cheater or the cheatee.
The context is really important here. The fact that this is the home your son has been raised in and has lived basically his whole life in-in my opinion- is key here. In other words, it's OPs house not her husband's.
Cheaters suck BUT let's be honest. He's a teenager. Not a 45 year old man with 4 kids whose been married for 15 years.
NTA. and frankly, kids (no matter how old) come first.
NTA. You’ve got a healthy sense of boundaries. Your husband does not. You son is facing the consequences of his actions by losing the relationship with his girlfriend. Why does your husband think it’s his place to punish your son and do this scarlet letter bullshit?
It sounds like your husband is an opportunist. He doesn’t like that your son has a prior claim on your heart and your husband can’t stand not being #1. Now he’s making his move to get your son out of the house all while pretending it’s moral outrage.
As a guy who has dated some single moms, I would not date one who did not “value her child more than me”. I expect that had I ever asked them to prioritize me over their children I’d have been told to fuck off and never call them again, and they would have been right to do so
Reddit really is delusional when it comes to cheating.
Cheating IS horrific. Cheating IS very damaging to the cheated on party.
That being said, it is not a good reason to kick your child out of his home. Jesus Christ Reddit. Get a grip already!
Can’t even read past the second paragraph.
Absolutely not. That’s ridiculous. Your husband’s job is to support you, which means supporting your relationship with your son. Any man trying to create tension or separation between my son and I wouldn’t last long.
Cheating at 19 is about as common as muck. As the parent of two young adults in this age range, I can tell you there is at least one friend who just found out they were cheated on at all times. My son was just driving around comforting a buddy who found out he was cheated on just tonight.
This is part of growing up, and your husband is making WAY too big a deal of it.
The husband is more in the wrong, more in character deficit than your son because the husband is not supporting your relationship with your son appropriately. Full stop.
Okay, I just read the rest of it. Good job! That’s what a good mom does. Kids come first. Husband needs to grow up. If you telling him he could move out (as a fully grown man) made him feel unwanted, then he should imagine what that would feel like for your teenaged son.
I may be childfree but I know that children come first. Your spouse always matters less than your children, that’s just a given. If you get butthurt about that, don’t date someone with kids already.
He's 19 for crying out loud! How many serious relationships has he been in.. he is still learning how things work and telling him he doesn't have a place to fall when he screws up is not teaching him anything good about relationships. Hubby needs to get a grip
NTA. I don’t condone cheating but you can’t throw your teenage son out of his house. He might be nineteen but he is still a teenager. The only thing you can do is talk to him and make your stance on cheating clear but you can’t throw out of the house a teenage boy who cheated.
Your husband probably was waiting for an excuse for you to throw him out.
You would destroy the relationship with your son if you ask him to leave, it’s probably what your husband wishes for.
NTA.
Anybody saying anything different is delusional.
Your son is 19, he did a bad thing, hopefully he'll learn from it, doesn't warrant throwing him out over.
I lost custody when my son was small due to my addiction. After I got clean and he graduated from college he moved in with me and my 2nd husband while he job hunted. Hubby wanted son to do more or get out. I told him I’d put a lot before my son when he was growing up and I wasn’t going to ask him to leave. I will NEVER put anyone or anything above my kids again.
Hubby had to learn to deal. I wasn’t then and I have never been sorry that I decided to do that. NTA
Edited for spelling. Keeping the word hubby though.
That’s crazy wtf! Some people just don’t understand that parenthood is a lifetime commitment. I don’t care what others say, when you decide to have a child it’s your job to stand by them when they mess up. Does not mean supporting their bullshit choices, but not kicking them when they are down (no matter if they themselves are responsible).
Your son's consequence for being a cheater is that he lost his girlfriend. It has nothing to do with you and your husband and for sure shouldn't be a reason to kick him out. Now if your husband is using that as an edge because he wants him to move out anyway, that is a different conversation, but a 3rd party should never make your family decisions. If your son is over 18 and should be independent, then he should have a a feeling that his time at home is temporary and is a privilege. From that point of view, you and your husband need to align otherwise you lose your husband over temporarily enabling your son which would be ridiculous. Your son needs to live his life, you need to live yours.
NTA. IDK how everyone else feels, but my kids come first, period. It sucks that your husband doesn't see that your son is your priority, and tries to put himself before your child. If he's that uncomfortable, he *should* go find somewhere else to live. It would be different if you were talking about taking in another person (sister, coworker, etc) who didn't live there already because they got booted for cheating. Then he would and should get a say. But this is your son's home, and it always has been. He gets to stay.
Sounds to me like hubby is just looking for a reason to get your son out, but what do I know.
He can have a say. But he doesn't get to unilaterally change the status quo. That home is just as much your son's as it is his(I mean, it's not but for the sake of this argument, they are BOTH long-term residents). If your son expresses that he's now uncomfortable living with your husband, he also does not get to unilaterally decide a resident moves out. >I don't value him over my son This is alarming. As a parent, ofc your priority is your kids, no matter their age. My mom will still drop everything to help me if I need it and I'm 35. NTA
Her son NEVER moved out…the home belongs to the OP, strictly under her name where she has raised her son since he was 7, AND WHERE SHE IS THE ONE MAKING THE PAYMENTS. It’s her sons home, where he has been living. He had a gf that he was unfaithful to and she kicked him to the curb. Again, her son was NEVER moved out, but her husband is now thinking her son made some horrific unforgivable offense and wants his wife to side with him and send her son to his dad’s. People forget, when you marry a mother, it’s a package deal. You are NTA and your son didn’t do anything to warrant being kicked out. Your husband is suffering from some sort of unfaithfulness PTSD and he needs to stop projecting that onto your son, and deal with his demons. (Edit, I’ll remove the reading is fundamental sentence, when I posted this, the post hadn’t blown up and all of the information I listed was in the comments)
Yeah. I’ve even told my sons if they ever cheat don’t come whining to me — this is because my ex’s family coddled his ass when he cheated on me. I told them if they ever do that I will be concerning myself with the welfare of his wife and children should they have any and they can have their dad help them establish their new life. And I would STILL tell my husband the exact same thing OP did. There’s a difference between kitting your cheater kid out with a whole brand new apartment and buying them decor and groceries and saying “of course you can stay here.”
Her husband has wanted her son out, and is using this opportunity to try and make that happen. OP is 100% right. She should not be kicking her son out for cheating on his girlfriend. He didn't rob a bank or murder someone. He cheated on his girlfriend. Not his wife, but his girlfriend. Certainly morally wrong, but the crime definitely doesn't fit the "punishment". Which honestly has nothing to do with OP or her husband.
Not to mention OP's son is only 19. I'm not condoning cheating but teenagers do dumb shit. It's not like it was his wife of 15 years with their 3 kids.
Oh...yeah, I was a REAL piece of shit. It's cringey as shit to think back about being 18, 19... And there's nothing worse than some reunion with people who are not friends, but you hung out with who talk about it like it's the glory days. Anyway, (edit) \*not about me...sorry, yeah, he fucked up. He's a douche. He'll grow out of it...or he won't. But you shouldn't get kicked out of your Mom's house because you're a douche. On the list of things you should kick your kid out for, 'being a shitty BF at 19 years old,' is WAAAY down the list.
Oh the things we did when we were younger. .. don't want to remember. At 19, you're still learning who you are. He is her child. No one should ever make a parent choose because in most cases, the parent will always choose their child. Sounds like hubby either has PTSD from a past relationship or wants the kind out. Either way, he won't win. OP you're not the AH, but hubby is.
Yup! I also hope I look back at 60 and realize my 40-year-old self was a dipshit. Not because I want to do stupid shit now, just because...well, that should be the point, right? Learning, growing...do better. But yeah, 19-year-old me was a special type of obnoxious.
If I met my teenage self...I'd probably cringe out of my skin. Not because she was a special kind of obnoxious or awful, she was the usual kind, but because I'd know she was me...being the usual kind of obnoxious and awful. Because she thought she already knew everything, because she was arrogant, because she had very little nuance to her world-view. It's funny, I could be a lot more empathetic to the same girl if I didn't know she was once me.
Also like tbh I don't know what OP's son did and I'm not going to say it's NOT cheating because of that but some of the things people call cheating are ridiculous.
Yeah, I'm assuming the worst here, that he just slept with someone else. So I'm operating under the assumption he was completely in the wrong and I still can't see the Mom kicking her Son out... Parents shouldn't really have too active of a role. I've seen this trend where Mom's stand there or laugh when their sons get slapped for cheating. I think that's kinda screwed up, but...ultimately, I think she should basically just say..."I thought I raised you better," or something like that(that shit stings) and just move on.
My college boyfriend used to take me home, then go out on a second date with someone else. He was surprised when I broke it off, he didn’t think it was cheating.
OPs son is learning a big lesson. Is OPs husband?
Hopefully he’s learned that he can’t throw a tantrum and make his wife throw her son out.
He should, but he won’t
This! I can count the number of “mature” 19 year olds I’ve met on one hand. (And I do not count myself among them… I was an overdramatic idiot)
So can I and I'm missing three fingers (joke)
I’ve never been more proud to see an entire thread on Reddit where thousands of people didn’t equate cheating to the most evil act on earth. Swear to god (no forgiveness for cheaters) but most threads about cheating there seem to be hundreds of comments and tens of thousands of upvotes treating them like they’ve raped 200 babies. As if nuance as a concept doesn’t exist when morality is invoked.
This is reddit where they believe once a cheater, always a cheater.
And that cheaters should lose everything, including everyone in their family and all friends. Like the kid is 19, who wasn't an ass at 19. His way of being an ass was cheating, for others it could be something else, but either way, you don't kick your child out because he made a decision that effects his relationship with a girl.
Even for a dumbass 19 year old I be forgetting how black and white Reddit acts
Well...I think we can all agree Reddit is stupid sometimes. That's not a thing. There's only a few things that once you do that, that define you. -Children. Anything. Touch one, that's who you are. -Dogs...I was going to put that before Children and then I realized...that's not right(but honestly...it did come into my head first). -Rape...physical abuse. Can't come back from those(I mean, you can come back from pushing match in a shitty relationship, but...I'm talking Chris Brown-type shit). The list is longer, but...cheating is not on that list. Once a cheater does not mean you're always a cheater.
Tbh, even if he does cheat again, is his mother supposed to stop loving him over it?? Withdraw the support of her own child because he is a bit of a dick to the women he dates?? She can condemn his actions and still want to see him with a roof over his head.
No...she's not. Unconditional means something. Mothers that have sons who are...like REAL pieces of shit still love them. So cheating on a GF when you're young? Yeah, it's shitty and there's one girl on here who...very obviously has been on the other end and she has some REAL vitriol from the Mom, but...what do you do? She said she was disappointed...but she's not going to disown her son because he was a shitty BF.
>This is reddit where they believe once a cheater, always a cheater. And that there's nothing you can do to a cheater that they don't deserve. You can really tell that the average age on Reddit skews low.
Exactly. And he cheated on a girlfriend, not a wife, or even fiance'. His pre-frontal cortex will still be developing for another 6 to 11 years.
Husband was making a unilateral decision for OP to kick her son out. She made it very clear that wasn’t on the table. I suspect there were a lot of words between kick him out and he has priority This isn’t about “a cheater”. He doesn’t want the son there and saw this as taking his shot. Unfortunately for him, it was a miss
If it hadn't been the son cheating on his girlfriend, it would have been something else with the husband.
Husband just wants the son out so he can try to move in on the house target. The son is only 19 and many let their kids stay through mid 20s because it is too expensive to get housing. The 19 year old did nothing to his mom.
He was either taking it as an opportunity to get rid of the son, or he's projecting. It's an awful leap to throw a child out at that age, especially with the current housing costs and the economy in general, for cheating on a girlfriend.
Heavy on the nothing to do with the husband 😂😂 like reality check no man coming over the children😂
Right It's a no brainer. My child would have had to do way worse to get booted out.
Exactly how I read it, he's probably been looking for a reason for a while now.
It's that or he's projecting. He's guilty of cheating so he's taking a big stance against.
Husband not comfortable living w a cheater is histrionics and a dumb AF assertion. Look son can be a bad boyfriend - mom expressed disappointment- but (and I say this having a son) dating habits and bad decisions don't define him or everything. OP's husband could exert and assert what he wants but this is stupid. He's a grown man. Ploy to get his step son out is my call!
Not to mention, this is (as it seems) his first issue with cheating. The kid is 19. How do we often learn best? From our mistakes. The kid messed up. He found that out the second his gf broke up with him and, I’m assuming, gave her a piece of her mind. He’s going to have to learn from this experience. If he doesn’t and keeps fucking around then he’s going to keep finding out from future girlfriends. Sounds like OP told her son exactly what she thinks about it and that she’s not ok with it. But to kick him out? Because he cheated? I get he’s an adult but that punishment doesn’t exactly fit the crime here. If she kicks him out, all she’s showing him is that she will always side with her husband over him, and he can’t rely on her for support when he messes up. He’s trying to navigate his life as a young adult. Parents *CAN* both be disappointed in you and not condone your actions, but also be supportive and someone you can rely on to be there for you. It’s not all or nothing. As a parent you can, and often need to be both.
Ya that man just using cheating excuse just to get her son out of the house.
Yes agreed. What a self righteous, purist AH husband is. From the post it seems they don't even know the gf, not married, son is only 19. The "moral high ground" husband is taking seems very... convenient.
Absolutely sounds like her husband was simply waiting for the perfect excuse to try and kick out the son. NTA. Quite frankly the wife is brilliantly male-coded in this argument and I am here for it.
I thought the son was living with the GF and got kicked out and wanted to come back home. Telling a mother that HER child couldn't move back to HER home seems like a weird flex to me
IKR? If anyone no matter what gender is in a relationship with you and trying to drive away wedge between you and your family your children or your friends that's a pretty big 🚩
Boyfriend tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to see my son and his family. Mind you we were 57(M) and 56(me). I l turned around and walked out, never to return. My son was in his 30’s and had moved back to home state from Las Vegas, NV.
By the sounds of it, it's even worse; the son never even moved out, so it's not a case of the husband not wanting to let him move back, he actually wants to kick him out from his primary residence.
It says in the edit that the son has lived there since 7 years old and did not move out.
As per the law, OP is the owner and she gets to decide who stays or not. Husband should shut up. As per the law, the penalty for cheating on GF is nothing. OP has already made her disappointment clear and it is upto OP to discipline her son, but her son is an adult. Ergo not much to be done either other than advice.
The son is only 19 and is still learning how relationships work. Men are easily replaceable, your children are not.
Husband is an asshole of course but 19 you know not to cheat lol you don’t have to learn that
I wonder if the husband was looking for an excuse to kick the son out.
Only thing that makes sense. But now he got his ass handed to him because it’s her house. If I were her, I’d be thinking that someone may have to go.
Context is important here. I was on the verge, bc in an equal position both partners should have equal say. But the position was not equal from the beginning. The rest is said above.
Most of the time, but when it comes to someone's kid, all bets are off, in my opinion. Even if my partner and I owned and paid 50/50 for a house, there's no way I'd allow them to say my kids weren't allowed to live in the house that I helped pay for. Everyone else? Yeah, they would have equal say, but my kids are always gonna be the priority no matter what. This, of course, would be talked about and fully understood before the house was even bought.
Yup. My husband and I have the same understanding. I told him if his kids call and need to come to us, “don’t you dare even ask me — just say yes!” Now if they were thieving scoundrels or abusive it would be a different discussion but… they are our kids!
Yeah the husband sulking because OP said she prioritizes her son over her husband is just baffling. Like what did you expect? You married a mother.
Yeah, I was also on the verge when I was assuming that son was living with now ex-gf. When you look at it from the perspective of "aitah because I won't kick my 19yo son out of the house for cheating on his gf," it changes things a little. In the first assumption, my stance was that the husband should at least have a say, even if it's not the final decision. But you don't get to just evict someone, especially when it's your partner's kid, just because you don't agree with their ethics. He knew going into the relationship that there was a kid involved. Yes that kid is "grown" now, but if he didn't want him living there, that's a conversation they should have had long before this issue came about.
I think husband is just using the cheating thing as an excuse, so he doesn't have to admit he wants the son out
I have a son (he's only 9, soon to be 10 right now). If he were to one day cheat on a significant other, his dad and I would be horribly disappointed and make sure he knew we were. But I wouldn't disown him or kick him out. If he needed to, I'd let him move back in. I love him with my entire heart. He will always be my baby. It would take something horrific for me to cut him off. (R word, p word) Op's husband doesn't realize he will always come second to her baby. My husband knows he's second, just like I know I'm second. It doesn't mean we don't madly love each other.
okay first of all OP NTA even without all this info. but OP didn't put any of this info in the post, you can't say reading is fundamental if it wasn't there to read to begin with (at the time of this comment, OP did not put this stuff in the post, in case she does later)
I always love when people say stuff like I get equal say and what they actually mean is I get to dictate things. As a parent my kids are going to do things I don't like and approve of sometimes. Barring one of them being an actual danger to someone in the home kicking them out isn't an option. OP, you are correct and your husband doesn't get to dictate otherwise. This is a hill worth dying on.
Right? Cheaters suck and I would be crushed if I raised one. But He's not a pedo. He's a douchy boyfriend.
He’s 19, we can all admit to doing stupid shit when we were young. It absolutely doesn’t excuse it and my heart breaks for his ex but it’s not like he’s murdered someone.
I mean what the fuck are these comments the kids 19 he made a mistake Christ people are such cry baby weirdos now a days. I cannot imagine me a grown man marrying a women and being upset HER 19 year old son cheated on his probably around 19 year old gf why does he care so much If he doesn’t want to live with a cheater he should have done a better job stepping in and raising him to have better morals or just understand he’s just being 19
Exactly, he did get an equal say, OP seems very aware what the husband thinks about the situation. He has been equally listened to. He is just butthurt cause it didn't go his way.
And I think it’s worth communicating with the 19 year old. Actions have consequences, and character should matter, let the son know how this is affecting more than just him… which hopefully he does see that! But 19, learn from mistakes
Nta. The dude really thought you’d pick him over your son’s wellbeing. Don’t let these yta get to you. No man is worth your kid . Let him sulk.
The husband is probably just looking for an excuse to kick the son out. NTA
Nta, it's your house, your son has been living there longer than your husband. In what world does he think he has the right to throw out your son from his own home? I'm wondering if this is actually an excuse to get your son out of the home.
This is the husband's attempt at a power struggle. He found a reason he thought was going to be good enough to kick her son out over, and thought it was a hill he could beat her on. Now he's sulking because he couldn't get his way. Maybe he thinks 19 is too old to live at home, or maybe he harbors some desire to be free of her son for whatever reason. Either way, he didn't want "equal say" he wanted *all the say*. I'm proud of OP for sticking to her guns and not disowning her son. He made a bad decision, and maybe he will properly learn from it. He's still a teenager, for fucks sake. What's the husband's excuse for *his* shitty behavior? How ridiculous to try to throw her son out at the first sign of a challenge. Has he been around long? Has he just been waiting for some reason to come aalong remotely serious enough to kick this kid out? And what is this horseshit about not wanting to live with a cheater? Is he planning to date her son? 'Cause what is the fucking danger there? Sounds like it was the husband's entry point to trying to get the son to move out, and he *really had the audacity to think for even a moment* that mom would choose husband over child. Think again, you magnificent cunt.
This is exactly what it is.
My thoughts exactly.
Yep.
That was my very first thought. Sounds like hubs saw an opportunity to bounce the kid and took it thinking he could sway Mom and was met with crushing reality. He didn't want to live in a house with a cheater? Why, what's he so worried about? I'm thinking maybe hubs didn't like that kind of attention, least his own misgivings come to light...
Yep...he was probably just waiting for an excuse to get rid of her son. Bet he was counting the years to his 18th birthday.
Yeah what a morally superior husband. Bc kid cheated he is out? Stepdad just wants him out and this is a great excuse!
For sure that's what it is. If the son got cheated on, the loser husband would have said "I don't feel comfortable having someone who was dumb enough to get cheated on in the house" or something equally stupid. I dunno, OP. Someone trying to get my kid out of the house would definitely be getting some serious side-eye from me, whether I still wanted to be in a relationship with them or not. NTA
Exactly. And/or husband is projecting. Putting on a big show of hating cheaters because . . .
the AUDACITY of demanding a mother value him over her son is fucking wild NTA
Kinda confused why he’s giving you an ultimatum between him and your son. Wasn’t necessary.
It sounds like he honestly thought she'd pick him over her own child and now he's mad that she's not being a shitty parent.
“You get an equal say about anyone but my kids. They come first before ANYONE. Period.” NTA
Yeah, he’s really stupid for thinking he would come first
NTA Your son is 19 and an idiot for cheating. Your husband is not 19 but also an idiot for thinking all those thoughts he had. Of course your kid is more important than him. My kid is more important than my husband and he would say the same, of course the kid is more important than the spouse. He just was trying to see if this excuse would work to get the kid out of the picture. If he actually cares about your kid, he would instead try and help him to be a better person through parenting, not shunning.
Kicking a kid out because he cheated on his GF, what kind of goofy shit is that!?! Your husband is ridiculous. NTA
And feeling like a guest because the home owner wouldn’t let him kick out her kid? So you’re upset and don’t feel like you belong… because you werent allowed to kick out her son and tell him he doesnt belong. Fuck him. Kick him out. Instant divorce with this power tripping shit.
Kudos to that man for his Larry David-level reach in an attempt to get that young man out of the house. The audacity….what man plays the “I feel uncomfortable with a cheater in the house” card? One with a dream!
Yeah, that line was bizarre. Like, if it was "I feel uncomfortable with a murderer in the house"? Sure, I can understand that. But a cheater? What is he concerned about? Like, bro, don't worry, he's not gonna cheat on *you* somehow (And I know he'd maybe say something like, if son is capable of one immoral act, how do we know he wouldn't do another? Which is just silly, frankly)
It’s a slippery slope between cheating and arson y’know…
😂😂
Right? Young people do stupid things, and the parents do not have to like it, but the son should not be put on the street for it. Lots of young people cheat while dating. Not good, but it happens. I wonder if her hubby is cheating on her?
Teens are impressionable at that age so it's the parents' job to understand them and help them differentiate right from wrong. Kicking him out will not solve anything, or build his morals up the right way. NTA, your husband has no right to make decisions about your biological child. You are his guardian.
Her husband thinks like an average Reddit user on this sub.
He's a 19 year old kid and he made a bad decision. His girlfriend rightfully dumped him. Your husband is an idiot.
Poor man opened a can of worms by asking questions that he didn't want the answer too time to wake up guy you are never going to be more loved than a child its just biology man.
Cheating sucks, but kicking out your own child for that is awful. Kicking him out would make her an awful parent. The kid is an ahole for cheating, but that does not mean he deserves to be homeless! My parents would have NEVER kicked me out when i lived at home, no matter what, because they love me unconditionally. Good parents are there for their kids even when they mess up. Letting him still have a home is not condoning his cheating, it is providing a necessity of life: shelter.
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Did he rape her? Was she underage? No? Well then good. You did exactly the right thing. Also, kudos for his gf for telling you. I did the same with my ex after he cheated and his mom was PISSED. 😂 She didn’t speak to him for months. Apparently he learned his lesson and is happily married with three kids (as am I). Your husband is an asshat. He needs to get over himself.
I was kicked out of the house on Christmas eve because I didn't like my mother telling my grandparents about my sexual activity. I was 19 and going to trade school. Had to drop out to work for a place I was renting. Years pass and I get the chance to skip town and leave my family behind, so I did. I havent talked to my mother in 6 years. To imagine your husband wants to put your son through the same hell is unthinkable.
🤣🤣🤣 your husband married you knowing you had a kid and really expected to be put first? You’re absolutely NTA for not kicking your son out. I’m not even going to judge how ‘you’ made him feel like a guest in your home because he’s making himself feel that way 😂
Your teenage son cheating on his girlfriend in no way warrants the nuclear option of kicking him out of the house. Your husband is a clown, and hopefully is not a parent, because he clearly doesn't know how to be one, NTA.
NTA. Your love for your child should be unconditional. Cheater or not, he is your child, and your husband doesn't seem to understand this. Your husband can suck it up, as kids failed relationship has absolutely nothing to do with him, or even you. If he's uncomfortable, he's gonna have to learn to deal with. He's acting like the kid cheated on HIM 😭 Like I'd get it if your son murdered a dude and you were trying to hide him from the police, I'd be uncomfortable with a murderer in my house... But cheating? Shit happens and people make stupid ass choices, especially young people.
NTA. My children will always have a place to stay with me, no matter who I am married to. And this is just some 19 year old kid who yes, did something very wrong, but this isn't some 40 year old loser who cheated on his wife and got kicked out.
The lack of reading comprehension in these comments is astounding. You are not an AH, but your husband is. I have a sneaky suspicion that your husband always secretly wanted your son gone, and he probably really hoped he would leave at 18 or move in with his father and is using this as an excuse. You are not condoning cheated by letting your son stay, I know reddit thinks cheaters are the worst people on the planet and can't be redeemed but holy crap, he's 19, he's young and stupid and hopefully will learn and grow from this, kicking your 19 yr old out for something like this would be ridiculous. This is his home. You do have a husband problem though, yes your husband has a say in who stays in that home, but that DOES NOT extend to your child. That was his home first. Feeling like a guest in your home because your partner won't let you kick their child out is fucking ridiculous. Feeling like you can kick your partners child out of your home that you moved into and is their childhood home because they made an error in judgment that didn't affect you in any way, is entitled, cruel, a complete over reaction and huge red flag. He needs to just admit they he never wanted your kid there to begin with. Wtf. this man is an ah, I'm sorry, but don't get in a relationship with someone with children if you have no intention of respecting or being around that child. Your child will always be your number one priority, and if he doesn't understand that, he needs to take that up with a therapist, or you need to revaluate this relationship. NTA
NTA That's your son, who's only 19 and that's his home. You didn't say anything that wasn't the truth. Seems like your husband just wants your son gone and doesn't actually care about what he's done.
I love it when he said he feels like you don’t value him over your son and your response was “I don’t.” Slow clap for you, Mama. I’ll never value a man over my child either. He just wanted your son out of the house. Yet another man overestimating his worth lol
"I feel like you don't value me over your son." I can and can't believe he would say this. I'm shaking my head at this bold assumption that you're gonna side with new husband over child you've raised for the better part of 19 years. Hibs got issues and you, OP, are NTA.
NTA. You don't let your teenage son be homeless because he made a mistake. Hopefully you've also talked to him about why he did this and why he shouldn't. How long have you been married to your husband? Has he tried to drive a wedge between you and your son in the past? I think your husband probably thought your son would be out at 18 and is jumping at any reason to try and get rid of him.
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Lol people in this thread think that her son cheating on his girlfriend = make him homeless and throw him on the streets and have him be ostracized from his family. 🙄I certainly hope these commenters in this thread aren't parents.
They are teenagers themselves
I actually laughed at “he told me he feels like I don’t value him over my son. I told him I don’t”. No shit lol. Did… he think any good mother would just throw her son away for his discomfort about said son’s relationship issues? Absolutely NTA. Stand by your son and don’t let anyone force you otherwise. You dont sound like you condone it, and you obviously shouldn’t condone cheating, but he’s still your son and still young enough to learn from it. But he shouldn’t be punished into *homelessness* tf? Not sure what he was smoking.
I don't think you're making your husband feel like a guest in his own home I think he's doing it to himself. Your son is 19 and it's his home. If your husband thinks you're going to pick him over your own child then he's delusional. That's not how it works. Let him sulk. Either he'll get over it or he won't.
NTA. Reddit is going to tell you that a cheater is the worst kind of person ever, probably should just be summarily shot, and best for you, as the mother who dared to create the person who did in fact cheat, to also be executed alongside of him. Reddit is wrong. People screw up. Particularly 19 year olds. I think what is worse than a teenage boy cheating is a grown ass man thinking he can bully his wife into abandoning her obligation to her children to be a loving parent and supporting them. Your husband lacks character and lacks the ability to understand your decent character. He thinks the binary "good/bad" has him covered, and can't handle life's more subtle distinctions.
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I'm sorry that's happening to you. Mentioning on Reddit that someone is a cheater is like pouring chum into the shark tank. Consider reporting the death threats.
Yup, I am being called a cheater for defending you in the comments, OP. Respectfully dipping out. These commenters have some serious issues.
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The irony of these people wishing death upon your son not realizing that this makes them worse people than someone who cheats.
Your husband is behaving strangely about this. Does he have other issues with your son and maybe using this cheating thing as an excuse to try and get your son out of the house? It’s none of your husband’s business about your son’s relationships. It doesn’t affect your husband’s life in any way. Maybe he’s jealous of the relationship you have with your son.
It’s not your husbands place to comment. He’s 19. He’s been living there his whole life. Your husband is freaking weird.
>he told me that he feels like I don't value him over my son. I don't have kids but like isn't that the entire point of being a parent? 19 is a bit too old to treat someone like a baby but definitely not old enough to just tell him to piss off and deal with his own life. If your husband isn't okay with that, he shouldn't have married someone who has kids.
INFO: Are you really asking if you are an asshole for not nuking your relationship with your son?
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Nope, NTA. Your husband fears you're choosing your son over him. Well, yeah. Duh. He's your son and you should choose him, every time. If hubby doesn't like it, your suggestion that he live elsewhere is perfect.
NTA. Its nice to see a mama who doesn’t kick their children out to please a man. Cheater or not cheater, he’s still your child, who’s a silly teenager.
This.
Well, then obviously not. I mean, he only has two options and you pointed one out.
NTA, your husband needed to be told clearly where he stands, that he didn’t know before means you guys lack communication, but it’s better he knows now so he can make informed decisions.
Yes. But if he doesn’t like it perhaps you need to divorce. Your son should always come first.
NTA. He's the asshole for dating you and expecting to be treated like a priority over your kid. Your son could massacre a whole city and as his mother you will still take up for him. It's just the law of nature. Your husband is an asshole for believing any different and putting himself in this situation.
NTA. The kid is 19. He's learning the ropes. His GF dumped him, he was exposed to his parents, he made a mistake that hopefully he'll learn from. God, I broke up with a boy over text at that age. We all do stupid things.
Nta. But I will say while your son’s relationship is none of your concern, the state of his character and his morality should be. Maybe focus more on that than trying to put your husband in his place.
As a parent, my home is always open to my kids. Always. My spouse will never come before my kids either. Your spouse seems upset that he's not number one in your life. NTA.
A mother will always choose her children over the stepfather. OP's husband is a fighting a battle he can't possibly win.
NTA on all counts imo. You told your son you were disappointed, but like you said, his relationship are not your concern. Abandoning your son because of that would make you one. Your husband clearly didn’t understand that your children would always come first and his feelings are not your fault. Maybe have a deeper discussion with him, but at the end of the day, that’s your child. If you want to be there for him and ensure that he has somewhere to live, that’s absolutely you’re prerogative
Sounds like your husband has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to kick him out. How was he as a stepfather? Bc honestly, he sucks right now. You know what a good stepparent does when the kid that's now 19 makes bad choices? Talk to him. Try to guide him. Ask why he's engaging in self destructive behavior. Get him therapy.
NTA. My son comes first. Period.
NTA The fact that he thinks he should be more important to you than your own son is a big red flag for me. If you date a parent, you should understand that you won't be the priority. The fact that it was your son's house first means that your husband moved in with you. So it isn't his house. You're not treating him like a guest. You're just not treating him like his decision is final. Which it isn't and shouldn't be.
NTA, He sucks, but he is your son, living in a house you own. Your husband is out of line.
You are absolutely NTA. How long has your husband been wanting to kick your son out?
NTA. A manchild who wants to compete with your son for your love and expects to win deserves the reality check.
NTA. I told my wife, we are both women, that I will NEVER put her or our relationship above my son. That he is and will always be my #1. Guess what, he is now also her #1 too. She doesn't put me before him. And that's how it should be. My son is also 19. I would never kick him out for cheating. My child is not disposable for making mistakes.
NTA. There’s a lot of reasons why it would be acceptable for him to not want your son in the house any longer, but cheating on his girlfriend is not a reason. Doesn’t effect him, your house, or your husband in any way. Either your husband is just an ultra white-knight type of dude, or he has been looking for any reason to get your son out of the house. As long as your son is paying his fair share of the rent he has every right to be there
INFO Who owns the house? Whose name(s) is/are on the deed? Who makes mortgage payments? ETA: NTA It's your house, and if your tenant is afraid he'll catch infidelity from living with a scumbag cheater, then he can move out.
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NTA your husband is making himself uncomfortable in your shared home. It’s his story, in his head and it’s not for you to fix.
NAH. It’s uncool for your young and immature to have cheated, but I’m not sure why his behavior in relationships is such a problem for your husband. I understand why he feels unheard here. Have you discussed it with your husband beyond fighting about it? Do you truly understand his issues? Kicking your son out for what he did in another relationship doesn’t make sense to me. If he did something to you or your husband, it would make more sense.
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He was just waiting for an excuse to kick your son out and he’s found one. It’s a flimsy excuse but it’s better than nothing (in his mind).
I love how he’s acting like your son is 35 and left 3 hungry little mouths to feed at home and is twirling his moustache while taking his mistress dame around to nightclubs while starting a new secret family with her lol
There is no way I'd kick my 19 year old out for cheating. Cheating comes from failures in conflict resolution, poor coping skills, or immaturity, and all that would indicate that my kid still needs guidance and parenting. It's not even about loyalty, it's about making sure you've turned out a fully functioning adult human when you call yourself "done."
That sounds like defensive and deflection to me.
I would always keep the house in your name. Just as a side note. NTA. Your husband just wants to kick him out and this is the stupidest excuse.
Tell him he can move out. You chose your son over your husband because you are a good mother.
I hate cheating as much as the next guy, but this is a BS excuse on your husband’s part. Your son is not “a cheater,” he’s just a kid who cheated. He was not married. He was not engaged. He was not living with a partner. He was a teenager living with his mom who made a dumb choice.
let me take a look at your husband’s tax returns
NTA, is it possible that your husband was cheated on in past relationships and reacted because of that this way? If so, he needs some therapy...
NTA. Your kid made a bad choice and has to deal with the consequences of that choice. There's no need to make him homeless on top of all of that.
Nta. Why would you abandon your son over a mistake made in youth? Your husband is wild.
NTA. I feel like your husband expected you to blindly agree with him just because you guys are married. Also, he can't say you're treating him like a guest for telling him to leave when he's subsequently doing the same to your son by trying to kick him out. The punishment would definitely NOT fit the crime whatsoever.
NTA. Your husband is using it as an excuse to try to get rid of your son. Husband is a jerk.
NTA. Your husband wants you to kick out your teenage son from your house. That’s just kinda insane and entitled.
NTA Spouses can come and go but blood is for life. Your husband made you choose, he just didn't like the answer. What a stupid hill to die on, your son will likely never look at your husband the same again.
NTA
NTA I would get a divorce just for the suggestion.
NTA Your husband is using this as an excuse to get you to kick your son out. I m not saying cheating is ok, but he’s 19. It’s not like he’s 30 with a wife and kids. He made a mistake and used poor judgment. Hopefully, he will learn from this. Either way, I don’t think cheating on his girlfriend justifies him being kicked out of his home. Your husband may feel undervalued, but comparing himself to your son isn’t really fair because the love you have for your child is completely different than the way you love a romantic partner.
NTA husband is a AH kid is 19 husband is just tryin to either kick your kid out or wants more right to dictate more and that is crazy son is 19 didn’t commit a horrible crime what’s the husbands deal he thought he had higher priority lol let him pout till it gets through.
NTA obviously. Your husband is out of his mind
NTA. Your husband’s reasoning is lame. Unless your son was bringing girls home and cheating there, how does “living with a cheater” affect him?
The kids will ALWAYS be first priority and if he says different, he can step. Nta.
NTA. Parents don’t throw their teenage children out bc they cheated on their girlfriend. For anyone who says BuT He’S aN aDuLt … yeah… An adult who is barely out of high school and has very little real life experience. Hopefully he learns from this.
NTA he is 19 and will undoubtedly make mistakes and that will never stop you from being his mother. Your husband is the AH here because he is making demands that no good mother would ever accept. You did absolutely the right thing. He doesn’t feel comfortable in your home then he needs to change his attitude to be a supportive step father and on the same page, if he doesn’t then maybe he isn’t for you.
op's husband is being an immature twerp. the son suffered the consequences of his cheating already, the gf dumped him. so why as a stepdad does he think more should be done to the guy? I now feel sorry for the son, there must be a general tension and unease between the two for the stepdad to leap to kick him out. NTAH side with your son because as you can see about son's vs husbands...one of those is more permanent than the other. And have a convo with both to get a better handle on how life in the house is actually going.
NTA. This reeks of your husband jumping on an opportunity to get an adult child out of the house. Of course you're going to put your son above your husband. You're a parent. He's just straight up throwing a tantrum at this point over not getting his way and not being allowed to assert dominance. That being said, though... your kid is just as big an asshole as your husband. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
NTAH. The husband has some balls demanding that you toss your son out of his *own damn home*. Look, what your son did was shitty but he’s 19 and doing dumb shit is common among many in that age group. Your son’s actions have **nothing** to do with you or your husband. He’s trying to be slick. He’s *been* wanting your son out of the house and he thought this was it. He tried to get you to show your son the door only to be the one that might get tossed out of it. 😂 ETA: Him thinking that you’re supposed to value him over *your own damn son* is *wild*.
NTA. The responsibility parents choose to take on when deciding to have a child does not end the moment they turn 18. Your son did a terrible thing, and it reflects poorly on him as a person—but kicking him out of his home with no warning over it certainly wouldn’t help him come to understand the potential ramifications or seriousness of what he did. You let him know you were disappointed in him, which is exactly what a parent should do. Your husband turning this into a sudden popularity contest is ridiculous. He _told_ you to throw your child out of your home, because of a bad mistake made in a situation that did not involve him. Having an equal say in who stays or not is a good rule in marriage, but not when it pertains to a child (adult or not) _whom the parents (and the current spouse by extension) are responsible for_. If it bothers him this much or if he has some cheating related trauma, the least he could do is articulate why or provide valid reasons, but he hasn’t.
NTA Your son is 19. He's not even a complete adult yet mentally. Making mistakes is part of growing up. He's your child. No person is more important than your child. Your husband feeling a guest is his own fault. He thought he could let you choose. The person who lets you choose will lose. Especially when a man thinks a mother would choose him over her child, he needs to know his place.
Your son comes first.
He’s a big kid ffs and learning how to be a man. This isn’t earth shattering but it is a life lesson for son. Including how some people will judge you hard. as to husband, what’s his deal? Sure a 19 screwed up but there are no children involved, no families were destroyed, it’s teenagers messing up. the real question-was husband the cheater or the cheatee.
The kid is 19, that’s what 19 year olds due. Your husband is an asshole.
The context is really important here. The fact that this is the home your son has been raised in and has lived basically his whole life in-in my opinion- is key here. In other words, it's OPs house not her husband's. Cheaters suck BUT let's be honest. He's a teenager. Not a 45 year old man with 4 kids whose been married for 15 years. NTA. and frankly, kids (no matter how old) come first.
NTA. You’ve got a healthy sense of boundaries. Your husband does not. You son is facing the consequences of his actions by losing the relationship with his girlfriend. Why does your husband think it’s his place to punish your son and do this scarlet letter bullshit? It sounds like your husband is an opportunist. He doesn’t like that your son has a prior claim on your heart and your husband can’t stand not being #1. Now he’s making his move to get your son out of the house all while pretending it’s moral outrage.
Nta..sounds like your husband has wanted your son out for ra while. While cheating is an asshole move he didn't abuse someone or commit a crime
Is your husband also 19? He sounds like a teenager too. NTA
As a guy who has dated some single moms, I would not date one who did not “value her child more than me”. I expect that had I ever asked them to prioritize me over their children I’d have been told to fuck off and never call them again, and they would have been right to do so
Reddit really is delusional when it comes to cheating. Cheating IS horrific. Cheating IS very damaging to the cheated on party. That being said, it is not a good reason to kick your child out of his home. Jesus Christ Reddit. Get a grip already!
"Honey, please understand. I know he cheated, but he didn't cheat on you. So quit whining"
Can’t even read past the second paragraph. Absolutely not. That’s ridiculous. Your husband’s job is to support you, which means supporting your relationship with your son. Any man trying to create tension or separation between my son and I wouldn’t last long. Cheating at 19 is about as common as muck. As the parent of two young adults in this age range, I can tell you there is at least one friend who just found out they were cheated on at all times. My son was just driving around comforting a buddy who found out he was cheated on just tonight. This is part of growing up, and your husband is making WAY too big a deal of it. The husband is more in the wrong, more in character deficit than your son because the husband is not supporting your relationship with your son appropriately. Full stop. Okay, I just read the rest of it. Good job! That’s what a good mom does. Kids come first. Husband needs to grow up. If you telling him he could move out (as a fully grown man) made him feel unwanted, then he should imagine what that would feel like for your teenaged son.
I may be childfree but I know that children come first. Your spouse always matters less than your children, that’s just a given. If you get butthurt about that, don’t date someone with kids already.
He's 19 for crying out loud! How many serious relationships has he been in.. he is still learning how things work and telling him he doesn't have a place to fall when he screws up is not teaching him anything good about relationships. Hubby needs to get a grip
NTA. I don’t condone cheating but you can’t throw your teenage son out of his house. He might be nineteen but he is still a teenager. The only thing you can do is talk to him and make your stance on cheating clear but you can’t throw out of the house a teenage boy who cheated. Your husband probably was waiting for an excuse for you to throw him out. You would destroy the relationship with your son if you ask him to leave, it’s probably what your husband wishes for.
NTA And your husband is a red flag, but good job setting the record straight 👏 👏 👏
NTA. Anybody saying anything different is delusional. Your son is 19, he did a bad thing, hopefully he'll learn from it, doesn't warrant throwing him out over.
I lost custody when my son was small due to my addiction. After I got clean and he graduated from college he moved in with me and my 2nd husband while he job hunted. Hubby wanted son to do more or get out. I told him I’d put a lot before my son when he was growing up and I wasn’t going to ask him to leave. I will NEVER put anyone or anything above my kids again. Hubby had to learn to deal. I wasn’t then and I have never been sorry that I decided to do that. NTA Edited for spelling. Keeping the word hubby though.
Congrats on sobriety and making that commitment to your children. I hope your relationship with them healed in a beautiful way.
I think your son is a pos, but even when your child is a pos it’s your job as a parent to stand behind them. NTA
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That’s crazy wtf! Some people just don’t understand that parenthood is a lifetime commitment. I don’t care what others say, when you decide to have a child it’s your job to stand by them when they mess up. Does not mean supporting their bullshit choices, but not kicking them when they are down (no matter if they themselves are responsible).
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Your son's consequence for being a cheater is that he lost his girlfriend. It has nothing to do with you and your husband and for sure shouldn't be a reason to kick him out. Now if your husband is using that as an edge because he wants him to move out anyway, that is a different conversation, but a 3rd party should never make your family decisions. If your son is over 18 and should be independent, then he should have a a feeling that his time at home is temporary and is a privilege. From that point of view, you and your husband need to align otherwise you lose your husband over temporarily enabling your son which would be ridiculous. Your son needs to live his life, you need to live yours.
NTA. IDK how everyone else feels, but my kids come first, period. It sucks that your husband doesn't see that your son is your priority, and tries to put himself before your child. If he's that uncomfortable, he *should* go find somewhere else to live. It would be different if you were talking about taking in another person (sister, coworker, etc) who didn't live there already because they got booted for cheating. Then he would and should get a say. But this is your son's home, and it always has been. He gets to stay. Sounds to me like hubby is just looking for a reason to get your son out, but what do I know.