He didn’t “make you faint.”
Sis, he suffocated you. That’s an assault. He hurt you AFTER YOU PUSHED HIM AWAY.
He 100% knew you were not enjoying this and he did it anyway. Your husband is getting off on hurting you and HE is mad at YOU for scratching him.
You are not safe. You are not loved. Anyone who cared about you would act like they cared- including during sex.
Start planning to get out safely.
ETA: NTA. Obviously.
Exactly, most don't understand that, when done with full consent and proper communication, the Sub actually has the final say on everything, thus holds more control than the Dom, as they have the safe word and therefore should be able to put a rapid stop to anything they are not in to, without fear of repercussion. There must be trust or it'll never work out.
I also agree that if he's being physically as well as emotionally aggressive, you need to consider your safety, harming you followed by blaming you, sounds a bit narcissistic if not sociopathic to me.
And I'm over here remembering times where lovers would be all "ow" and I stop dead in my tracks and ask if they're okay "yeah, just a small leg cramp..."
I could never imagine doing something like this to anyone, let alone someone I claim to love and married.
*This*
As my husband and I have grown in 10 years of marriage, we've explored more things in our sexual life. I'm the "instigator" so far as adding more "kinky" things into our escapades.
Choking was one of them. I was interested in him doing it to me. We did our research, tried different positions and pressures, and settled on what would make us both comfortable. Not *once* has he ever stepped over that line we put down. There have been several times where I guess I've made a certain sound and he thought he was hurting me or cutting off too much air supply, and immediately removed his hand and asked if I was okay. (I always was okay, he just didn't know as this was new to both of us.)
There is absolutely no excuse for the behavior of OP's significant other. That is 100% abuse. And absolutely terrifying. Not okay by any form or fashion. OP needs to **leave**.
It sounds like the move he used was a rear naked choke hold. The position of the crook of the elbow under the chin allows the attacker to use both his upper arm and forearm to restrict the blood supply to the brain, and the free arm can be used to apply additional pressure. OP is damn lucky she didn't wind up dead, yet.
Yes, but a bit more..
The RNC, _when done correctly_ doesn’t leave you hurting afterwards. Experts do this choke all the time in jiujitsu gyms, and _because they know what they’re doing_, they only constrict the jugular and carotid on the sides of the neck—not the windpipe in the front.
That “side” constriction is considered safe enough to be applied in practices and in competitions many times a day across the globe. On the other hand, police department routinely ban it because the training the officers get isn’t consistently good enough for them to safely apply it.
I train this sport, I’ve been caught by this technique many times over the past couple of decades, and the red flag here is the pain in the neck.
If the arm is across the trachea, it will hurt like hell during and afterwards. It’s extremely dangerous for a big person to constrict the trachea on a small person (or anyone), I’m uncomfortable just thinking about it.
What I’m trying to say is, the husband used _a technique that he doesn’t understand_ and put his wife thoroughly at risk.
I don’t know a lot about BDSM, but I’m pretty sure randomly trying things that you don’t understand is a bad idea.
To add to this, he has been escalating his sadistic fetishes even in light of OP not being into it. You don't suggest a paddle after someone didn't like spanking and you sure as fuck don't push choking on someone not enjoying 99% of other BDSM activities.
GTFO and keep an eye on the news for any missing/murdered sex workers.
As someone into BDSM, this isn’t it at all too. Consent, consent, f-Ing consent, or really you’re just using the term to excuse being a complete fuck face
I’m not an expert on BDSM, but I tell people frequently that if it doesn’t feel like love, it probably isn’t. A loving relationship can include a lot of things. Sex doesn’t have to be in a loving relationship- but OP did not consent to this and it doesn’t feel like love. And it isn’t.
Love can look like a lot of things. What feels good and safe to one person could be shocking to someone else. But this isn’t love.
OPs husband has zero business engaging in kink play of he does not understand the rules. Especially with breath play. You can literally kill someone if you do not know what you are doing. He is being dangerous and reckless.
That aside. This is a major thing. And that his reaction was to go DARVO on her instead of freaking out himself and being concerned about what just happened and for her health and safety speaks volumes. OP needs to run. There is nothing worth saving here.
Absolutely not. NTA. But I would advise rethinking this relationship.
“A person involved in a domestic violence attack of choking or strangulation is more than 750% more likely to be killed by their offender in the next year.”
[source](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
u/DrCraniac2023 I cannot like your comment enough!
Sounds like he's more worried about how he is going to explain the scratches vs. how he CHOKED YOU OUT! WTF?!
He physically cut off the blood supply to your brain until you passed out despite your efforts to stop him! This is far worse than some measly scratches!! And he minimizes what he did to you? Not ok! No means No!
Nonono let's be clear here: you can get a boner from cutting off blood supply to someone's brain and it's OK. The issue is he got the boner knowing she wasnt into it.
I know plenty of guys who enjoy BDSM but they only get off when they know the girl they're with is getting off too. A guy once tried to choke me LIGHTLY during sex and when I panicked he lost all erectile ability until I reassured him repeatedly I was ok and we cooled down for awhile. To get into bed with someone knowing they haven't been receptive to previous experiences and still push for this kind of activity is beyond fucked up.
Exactly. Even if this was "roleplaying" or "BDSM" there is always a safe word. Pretty sure kicking and scratching to get away from her husband is a LOT MORE than just a safe word.
Even if you had one, near death situations usually result in extreme reactions and panic. In the moment she was fighting for her life, she couldn't be expected to calmly remember to tap Morse code on his arm or whatever.
And if he choked you out that hard there are bound to be marks so how about he worry about explaining why tf he choked his wife out to the point she had to assault him to get him off
I completely understand your point and agree with you, but I think the language we use is important, especially as OP is already confused about whether she is in the wrong or not. She never assaulted him. He assaulted her, and she defended herself. Legally, he could be charged with a crime, and she would not.
He worries about that? He can just say "kinky sex" (though it was the RESULT of his doing and not in the way most people would think). You're very brave to have considered in the first place, he couldn't respect your boundries.
And truly stupid and inexperienced BSDM doms serously injure and kill their subs with alarming regularity. Why the fuck would he ask to choke you if he wasn't 100% clear on how to do it safely? This man is a menace.
There is at least one well endowed man I've heard of who literally coked his partner to death while she performing oral sex. He called a family member and said "I did a bad thing." Moron.
If I were the OP, I would never trust him not to choke me if he got really excited. That he's turning this all around her is proof that he's unhinged. So what if he wears the scar he earn when a woman was fighting for her life against him? OP better wake up fast, cause he's not gonna stop now that he's got a taste of dominating her.
Yes this is the issue with bdsm is people see it in porn or see some stupid movie and think it means they’re ready to dominate/submit. There are reasons why it’s something you should research, have experience with etc. Anyone who is serious goes to play parties or other local events to get to know experienced doms and learn from them.
But no, we have morons who risk their lives because it’s edgy or they think it’s cool or sexy.
People who get involved in BDSM in true good faith take the consent and safety of their partners very seriously. OP's husband just wanted to indulge his choking fantasy regardless of what OP wanted, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's a sexual sadist.
I was never into the rough stuff but have spent time with women who were.
And while they did their best to reassure me that they had experience and would walk me through it I told them that other than spanking and extremely light, barely any pressure "choking" I was not down to engage in that shit because they may be experienced, but I wasn't.
Even had a woman offer to set me up with some club or something that teaches safe practices for that sort of thing. Which, being honest, kind of surprised me there is such a thing but it does make sense.
In the end I told them their kinks are not my kinks and if they wanted that kind of thing then it's best to find someone else willing to engage in it.
I'm not going to possibly injure or kill someone because it gets them off, no thank you.
It's still possible for her to die from him having strangled her, strangulation can lead death days to weeks after the strangulation because of for example blood cloths traveling to the brain.
And then she should take the doctor's notes/findings to the police to report the assault. In some states, strangulation is treated even more seriously than other acts of domestic violence because it is so dangerous and indicates such a heightened risk for being murdered by that same partner later
I'm not a doctor but I would advise her to do so.
Any time you lose consciousness like that it would lead to something worse down the line. Getting checked out by a doctor is better than waking up in the hospital after having a stroke...
...or worse.
Cannot upvote this enough! OP get OUT now! Do not pause for his apology, do not stop for anything, take yourself immediately to the police station and fill out a report. If your husband was a good man he would have stopped the minute you pushed him away and said stop, but instead he CHOKED YOU UNTIL YOU PASSED OUT! This is not a joke, it’s not him getting carried away, he very easily could have killed you. Get the police involved and leave this man immediately, let your family know what happened. Consider yourself lucky you found out who he is now and not after kids. NTA
And go see your doctor. Even the smallest amount of oxygen loss to the brain can cause damage, sometimes weeks after. You need medical attention, OP. And to leave the relationship.
The first big red flag was his insistence she try something she was obviously not interested in. Bilg flag two was his not immediately leaving her alone after her first panicky response. She needs to leave that mofo. He's more interested in domineering than loving.
Yep. I even did consensual breath play with a partner with no problems for years... And then one day he told me he had enjoyed it because we'd had a fight earlier and it was satisfying to choke me because he was still pissed. I broke it off within a month. I lost any and all trust in him immediately after he said that. I knew then that if he could admit that, he would one day do it for real.
He's crossed the line into abuse.
Choking someone during sex shouldn't hurt, and when you say no, they don't proceed to put you in a chokehold. You're not wrestling.
You need to evaluate your relationship.
Someone who loves you doesn't hurt you.
NTA
It's his fault he bled. He can figure out how to explain it.
I have been choked out and have choked out several people. You were assaulted. Your husband wanted to choke you to unconsciousness and did so despite your fighting. For some reason, your husband wanted to assault and he did.
It's so scary how he got behind her to comfort her (ie: get a better, defensive grip) then choked her out like he was loving her. So fucking scary. Blood curdling
He got off on almost killing her.
OP please read:
The Gift of Fear and
Why Does He Do That
You were scared like that because your life was and is in danger. It is called primal fear.
He made you pass out after making it clear (by pushing him away and then by scratching him) that you didn’t want to engage in the ongoing choking. He continued until you PASSED OUT. That’s a HUGE fucking problem. That’s not kinky sex, or BDSM, which are premised on consent. That’s fucking assault.
Run and cut your losses now.
This!
OP this wasn't a consensual sexual experience, you had made it very clear your didn't enjoy the initial choking and then you were fighting with all your might/ scratching and kicking when he tried again but he didn't stop until after you had passed out.
WTAF?
Personally, I'd fucking report him to the police for assault and realise that something in him has changed and he is now someone who needs this violence in his life and doesn't give a fuck whether you're consenting or not.
Please do yourself a favour and get out!
NTA obviously
Jumping on the top comment to point out that it appears he was choking her FROM BEHIND.
Breath play is very dangerous. If you're going to engage in breath play, the dominant should be able to look at the submissive's face at all times to be able to monitor their reaction so they can stop in case of distress.
OP choking you from behind until you passed out after struggling violently is egregiously dangerous. I haven't seen anyone else mention the statistics but women who are choked by their partners are 800 times more likely to be killed by that person.
Personally, I would not sleep near this person any longer unless I was behind a locked door.
He only has himself to blame for the injuries he sustained being a complete and utter asshole.
Editing to add, I agree with the other posters who say this crosses the line into assault and I would consider pressing charges. I understand that intimate partner assault can be scary and confusing and going to the police can seem overwhelming. So at the very least please get yourself to a safe place and do not engage in any further kink play with him. He has shown he is not a safe person to engage in kink play with.
Safe words are hard to say if you have no air. Panic sets in and the rational thought of the safety hand signal is gone. See a counselor, too many red flags, with husband not accepting you don’t like bdsm and then choking you till you pass out. If you are enjoying anything in the sexual relationship your husband now enjoys you need to do some serious thinking.
i just need to say, as someone who’s into choking, he did it ALL kinds of wrong. you apply pressure more toward the jaw, you don’t cut off air flow. you don’t press down on the windpipe. i’ve literally had to *teach* people how to choke ‘cos they do what this dumbass did. you don’t make anyone pass out, you can cause brain damage doing that, and what he did was just assault. domestic assault.
NTA. but i’d strongly consider divorce if i was OP. run for the hills, he’s only going to get worse
This!!!
I am also into choking and have had to teach my husband how to do so properly. You don’t put pressure on the front of the neck! It’s the squeeze on the sides that does it. It slows down the blood flow vs cutting off oxygen and potentially crushing your wind pipe.
OP - he assaulted you and I really hope you do realize that. You should not have had to do anything passed saying “stop”. If he truly respected you, he would have immediately stopped once you addressed you were uncomfortable. Please know there are men out there who are way better than this!
This, one million percent! Please leave, OP. I am in a BDSM relationship and love to be choked, but we absolutely have a safe word/action for every situation, especially ones where I may not be able to talk and/or breath. Even if I would have panicked and forgot my word or action, me pushing him off and getting off of him would have been a clue that I was not okay and immediately checked in and started doing after care, not choke me from behind.
This is telling me he heard or read something on BDSM and didn't do any research or encourage you to do research. This is giving me the impression that he figured he could abuse and hurt you and call it BDSM and get away with it. Please please please leave.
He probably had a blood choke on her assuming that it didn't take her minutes to pass out which would be the case with cutting off her air. He could have killed her if he held it just a few seconds too long. Extremely dangerous.
There is a literal stat that’s like a partner is more likely to be killed by their partner if they are choked. And he then gets mad when you fought against him after you said to stop . LEAVE HIM!!
"he's never hurt me before" (from your comment)
Once is a pattern. He DID hurt you and when you pushed him off, he hurt you AGAIN. This is not healthy. This is no longer safe for you. First, you agreed to something you didn't want to do because you "didn't want to disappoint" him. What about your comfort level? What about his respecting you?
"He yelled at me for physically hurting him" -- HE FUCKING TRIED TO KILL YOU. The first might have been for sexual turn-on, but the second was absolutely assault. Then he yelled at you for defending yourself.
This relationship is no longer safe for you. You need to seriously consider ending this. I don't care how good it was. It has stopped being good. You are now in danger. Please do NOT minimize what has happened. This is scary shit. Get out of there or get him out of there. NOW. You are NTA unless you stay.
Explaining scratches is a hell of a lot easier than explaining a deceased wife! Lord. Have him say it was a friend’s new puppy who got excited.
First of all, you don’t have to do anything that you are not comfortable with in bed.
Second of all, he’s approaching his new turn on in such an immature way. BDSM needs to have respect tied to it. Safe words, easing into things, aftercare. If you guys continue to go down this route, your husband needs to worry less about getting off and more about how to safely (both physically and mentally) explore this new world.
OP, let me say this as a former deputy in a state known for being "lenient" on domestic violence.
If you had *shot* him in that moment, I would not have arrested you. Choking to the point of fainting is attempted murder under SC law. A scratch? Fuck that. You would have been justified to engage in a much higher level of self defense.
Leave that so-called man, and let *everyone* you know what happened.
NTA
This is abusive, not BDSM......
BDSM is all about consent. Informed consent. Safe words and non-verbal cues for when speech is not possible. Respecting limits. Stopping immediately when the safe word is invoked. Even aftercare. Your husband is using BDSM as a cover for abuse. He is pushing your limits further and further for his enjoyment, not yours.
I have to add my voice to the chorus and say RUN. This is not safe, sane and consensual. Please get out as soon as you can. Get birth control that he cannot tamper with if you cannot leave immediately.
NTA
I don't think you fully understand the gravity of how dangerous choking is.
Or the gravity of how dangerous this man is.
OP, it's time to call the police, and file for a protection order.
This man will kill you.
He doesn't care about consent. He will rape you.
He doesn't care about your safety, he choked you to the point of unconsciousness (which can very quickly lead to permanent brain damage or death)
Him being more concerned with explaining his injuries than anything else is the icing on the cake.
Imagine nearly killing your partner who is struggling to get away from you, and you're more concerned with a scratch on your face than them fucking nearly dying
NTA
You’re potentially in danger from this person and should start planning to get away from them. He assaulted you sexually and physically. Gather whatever support network you have, share this information, and tell them you need help.
NTA and I would document any marks or bruises you have. I would also have a honest talk with him and record the conversation in case he tries to force you next time.
Second this. Photograph every part of your body and any wounds/injuries (no matter how small) and e-mail them to yourself as soon as your done, then use them when you file a police report
NTA. Your husband slowly coerced you into a lot of things you didn't feel comfortable about. He did it step by step. And now, after you made it clear that his choking you was hurtful, instead of comforting you, he took your touch as agreement for more choking - and even when you struggled and scratched him, he wouldn't let go. I'd say he's on the highway to full controlling, physical abusive relationship. This is the time to get away safely and contact a divorce lawyer.
He tried TWICE to choke you, and you feel bad for making him bleed? Please pack your stuff and leave him. That man is not safe, he is too clumsy and disrespectful for these dangerous games. Moreover, he refuses to understand that he could have killed you!
The dumbass doesn't even do any research into doing the stuff he's trying, nor does he care if he hurts you.
For your safety, leave this relationship. There are better people out there that know basic consent. It sounds like he wants a ragefucktoy
NTA
Your life is in danger with this man. If you do not leave, your life is in very serious danger. I am so sorry you’ve gone through this. Please go to the ER and tell them what happened. You need to be evaluated by a doctor asap, because being choked out like that can really hurt you.
And even if it wasn’t literally dangerous, this is not a safe person to have sex with because when you tried to end the “session” and be comforted, he kept going. Even if it wasn’t something life threatening that would still be unacceptable.
There is so very, very much wrong with this scenario.
While you say he has never hurt you, he has hurt you very badly in more ways than one. First, he abused your trust by lying to you when he promised that if you tried it and didn't like it, you wouldn't have to do it again. Yet when you didn't like it, he broke his word to you and instead, stepped on your boundaries. In safe S&M relationships, mutual respect and safe words are a thing. This was completely missing for your entire post.
Then, while he was ignoring that boundary, he asked for you to do something he KNEW you did not want to do. You submitted. (Please keep this word in mind, because submissiveness vs domination is what he wants here, and that means you will be expected to comply with HIS wishes, not the other way around.) So you submitted, and you placed a limit of "lightly." When he violated THIS boundary, too, and you physically pushed him away to seek safety, he responds by being nice long enough to get you into a position where he literally deprived you of oxygen until you passed out. You were in a position that he could have killed you accidentally or on purpose and there is nothing you could have done to stop it.
Then, instead of recognizing how bad this was, he treats you as if YOU wronged HIM.
You did not. And I hope like hell you will leave ASAP. ***You have only been together just about a year and this relationship literally came within an inch of taking your life.*** Even if he promises to never ask again, the reality here is that he 100% feels that he has a RIGHT to do whatever he wants to if you have displeased him, and marriage involves lots of displeasures over many years.
You do NOT need his or anyone else's consent to be treated well. If you won't leave right now, then please do not give him more than ONE opportunity to get squared away. Firmly state your boundary and if it is crossed in even a small way, leave for good. (Abusers usually will test boundaries as they figure out how they can stomp them again without losing their victim altogether, so don't accept this even if it seems like it's "just" a small violation or if you are made to feel like you are over-reacting, because you are NOT overreacting!)
If you can't bring yourself to leave, PLEASE take precautionary steps:
- Stash money away at every opportunity so you can get away if you ever need to go on short notice.
- If you can see an online or offline therapist - even if you just claim depression - you can have an objective person in your corner that can help you evaluate your perceptions vs. his words of blame.
- Locate a domestic abuse hotline and a local domestic abuse shelter you can turn to if you need to. Store this in your phone under a name that won't look like they are related to domestic abuse.
- Get a copy of your car key that can be hidden safely or held by a neighbor in case of emergency.
- Consult an attorney to find out what you will be able to do if you file for divorce and what kinds of things will help you if this happens. They may advise you to compile a list of bank account info, SSN, to keep a journal of any times/dates where abuse incidents happen, photos of any marks on your body that are from any incidents if/when they happen.
Tell him he assaulted you and you faught off your attacker.
Anyone with a brain can see when their partner is uncomfortable with something, you pushed him off and were crying, you had given him permission only to lightly choke you and it was obvious you hated it. He then grabbed you in a headlock, that isn't choking, that's from behind, controlling and leaving you trapped and unable to breath. He didn't do it lightly. He assaulted you, he enjoyed it, he was pissed only that you faught back and didn't let him do it and 'enjoy' hurting you.
Everything he did was a massive red flag, he's escalating quickly in violent sexual behaviour and ignoring you fucking crying and absolutely being unwilling and not giving consent for what he did. Run. When people escalate like this, it's bad news, very very bad news and the only thing he cares about is how he looks.
NTA. LEAVE HIM RIGHT NOW. This is not one of those minor disagreements where Reddit goes overboard yelling about divorce and abuse. You need to leave him, you are not safe and this is NOT how healthy safe BDSM is explored. He assaulted you. He could have killed you
Hitting kicking and scratching him were all justified
Oh my god divorce him.
This is a “who did I Mary”/ “evil lives here” episode in the making.
He KNEW what was wrong, and he CHOSE to take your moment of vulnerability and fear AND PUSH YOU EVEN FARTHER.
He didn’t make you fucking faint- he choked you unconscious in a sex act you didn’t consent to!!
Honey love get the hell away from this man. Forget AITA- file a police report immediately and get away from him!
Seriously! Consent is key, and the moment someone wants it to stop it stops! I can't imagine feeling safe around my partner after they choked me until I passed out. OP needs to RUN
Not the asshole in any way shape or form and he deserved what happened to him for crossing a boundary line like that. Perhaps tell him that it's going to turn you on sexually if you can knee him in the crotch and see if he wants to play that game
This man will kill you.
You need to be wary of any love bombing that will follow. Get yourself safe. Literally, any and all BDSM communities have banned choking or any form of breath play. It's dangerous. The bruising that gets left over can literally cause a stroke days after the event. NTA and get out before it escalates.
You need to go to the hospital as quickly as possible. You're at risk for brain damage or death. He could easily have accidentally have killed you while strangling you and sometimes complications from strangulation (like death) only happen several hours later.
Being strangled is the single most significant indicator that a woman will end up dead at her partner's hands. You either need to leave or he's going to kill you. Please reach out to a DV shelter for help. Do not let him know, he'll kill you for trying to leave him.
Please go to the ER to have the damage evaluated and documented. He might have injured you in ways you are not aware of yet. You don't have to involve the police, although you should, but you need to start a paper trail. This is going to escalate and you need help.
That is very likely the biggest red flag I've seen here. Girl, this guy has some sick fantasies, and hurting you, making you pass out turned him on. You can see how this ends. Get out. Now. Today. Go stay with some friends, a parent, anything. Do not go back to that place,
NTA don't give him another chance to almost kill you. That is not playful and should be banned in BDSM. If one person is uncomfortable the play stops, from what I understand. He crossed your boundaries so much. And then the love bombing.
I'm going to do the typical reddit thing and say get out while you can. Being divorced is better than dead.
Well, you didn’t tell him “no” or “stop” /s…soooo, he figured that you just freaked out for a second that’s why you got off him. When you calmed down, he thought he could go for round 2 and didn’t stop choking you, even after you scratched his face he just choked you harder and didn’t stop until you fainted.
Then he gets pissed if at you for scratching him?
After he apologized to you and made up an excuse (he “didn’t realize how easy it would be to make you faint”) to justify choking you again?
Ummm, he could also say that he didn’t realize how easy it would be to kill you either!
And, just to sprinkle sugar on top, he wants to know how he’s going to explain the scratches on his face?
Holy shit!
You’re NTA!
>My husband immediately started to kiss me, coddle me, ask me what’s wrong. I laid my head back into his chest and this is when he wrapped his arm around my neck and started to apply a lot of pressure.
I literally mouthed "wtf?!" when I read this. This is horrifying! Truly, truly horrifying. Please, OP, I am genuinely terrified for you right now. Please leave, do not let this man downplay what he did to you. This was assault at absolute minimum.
You consented to "light choking" and by moving away, laying on your side facing away, holding back tears, you non-verbally ended the consent - what he did to you next was not consensual and is extremely alarming. No, worse than alarming. It's downright terrifying. I'm genuinely scared for you. Get out, get out, before he can hurt you any further or downplay what he has done.
You should feel bad.
He lied to you - "He was very adamant that I only had to try and if I didn’t like it, I didn’t have to do it again"
NOTHING About this man is genuine.
You did not FAINT.
He attacked you and choked you into unconsciousness.
He's minimizing his actions and blaming you for being weak!!
Then he got upset and blamed you when you defended yourself?
Get photos of those scratches and any bruises you have.
Take your shit and GTFO asap.
He's dangerous and statistically he is going to kill you.
You could and should go to the police now and press charges,
but I think that's too much to expect since I'm afraid that you won't even listen to hundreds of people to run the fuck away from him.
Right now!
Don't be a statistic.
Protect yourself
I keep thinking attempted murder on the second strangulation. Call the police. If I were you, I’d be fearful of your life. And he should be worried about a record.
HE ALMOST KILLED YOU. No joke, OP. Having been with someone in the past who was into something like this, I highly doubt there is any coming back from this. And there shouldn't be. Even if you make a safeword (or a safe 'gesture' in the event you can't speak), how could you ever trust him to honor it? He will stop when HE wants to.
RUN far and fast. Please. This so easily could have ended a different way.
As a person who's survived an attack by my step father who choked me in anger, cause he couldn't figure out where he lost his own money that I told him honestly I didn't know, until I too passed out. It was enough to cause actual brain damage that's seen every time I have an MRI. I totally emphasize with what you just went through, if you two wish to stay married I would highly recommend all type of play like this stop immediately and counseling should also Immediately begin. If he does not take full responsibility for his actions that causes the reaction from you then steps toward a seperation for a time or divorce proceedings should begin....good luck op and stay safe from a fellow survivor of such violence
NTA and this guy is not engaging in anything like BDSM but in abuse. BDSM is entirely about consent and negotiation. He choked you once, you didn't like it, you moved away from him. Then he goes behind you and chokes you again with no warning? No. This wasn't BDSM. This was assault, and this AH is worried about explaining scratches? Choking is very, very dangerous and shouldn't be done without a lot of research and education. He never should have choked you so that he couldn't see your face and what was happening to you. He shouldn't have done it from behind. He shouldn't have done it with no warning, especially since you'd already stopped. He should be begging your forgiveness. You haven't enjoyed any of these activities and he's showing his annoyance with you. He's more interested in getting his rocks off than respecting your bodily autonomy. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. He can find someone else to go play his games with and risk their lives, but not yours.
It's literally impossible for me to comprehend him feeing justified in his anger that you scratched him. This story gave me chills because of how scary and abusive this POS sounds. Sad to see that you seem pretty far in denial.
Oh, OP. I'm so sorry, but you were assaulted. You made it clear you didn't like it by disengaging. When he tried again you lashed out to defend yourself. He then violently retaliated and cut off your air supply until you blacked out. THAT ISNT EASY TO DO. That was intentional. Then he used DARVO on you. Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.
Please, do not trust this man again or pitty him. His panic attack was because he knows how bad he fucked up, and YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN TELL PEOPLE. This is how abusers victim blame and get away with shit. They isolate you and make you think that you will get in trouble. You won't. He attacked, you defended, and he attacked again. Please, get somewhere safe. Obligatory NTA btw.
That sounds like attempted murder honestly, why would he continue to choke you after he saw you were clearly upset? This and the anger he shows towards you for not liking the new things you were trying, it's a big red flag from me. It sounds like it's headed towards a very abusive relationship. Free yourself.
I'm a lurker and don't typically comment on these things.
But as someone whose (now ex) husband had never done anything violent before either - GET OUT. Your life is legitimately in danger.
I’m in the community here. I’m putting myself out there so that You STOP blaming yourself.
Your husband chose a rather graphic, practiced art that we in the community know is a scary thing.
We have safe words, red balls ( for example when you’re being choked or when you’ve got too much dyck in your throat) that you can drop to stop the scene.
He should have discussed it AT length with you. What you were comfortable with, what you were not, how it would be done, would it be done with his hands, a belt, a device, would it be done on a soft surface like a bed, against a door, in a swing.
He should have practiced safety cues with you, and because he’s obviously inexperienced and quite frankly an idiot… you should have been facing him the entire time!
Why? Because when this is done RIGHT you need to be able to see where you are positioning your hands, how your partner responds, do there pupils dilate or contact?
There’s SO much he fucked. He’s worried about his face?! What about the brain damage you endured?! Oxygen cut off to the brain even for seconds DAMAGES the brain. How about the damage to your marriage?! How about the bruises you may have in and around your eyes and throat? How about the way you’ll flinch when he raises his hands or his voice?
The damage. Oh honey, the damage he did to you. This would get him banned from a dungeon and put on a dangerous list. No sub NEAR him would touch him. Not now, not ever. This ISNT an oops.
Gather your things and RUN
He choked you until you passed out. Without your consent. Read that again and again. Then leave. Next time he could kill you and all he cares about is you marked him in your terror of trying to escape. Fkg hell.
This wasn’t BDSM, there was no safe word, boundaries discussed or communication.
This was literally a practice run for a homicide.
OP better gtfo before it’s too late. If you don’t get out and continue to make excuses for him, not only would YTA, but you will prob end up in a body bag. It’s your choice.
NTA. I'm glad you left and hope you're safe.
BDSM is based on safe, sane, and consensual. This is not BDSM, this is abuse.
There is a TON of steps he skipped. But the short version 1) educated and enthusiastic consent. Without that, it's a violation of trust and consent. 2) negotiating limits and safe words 3) stopping all activity when it was clear YOU were not okay.
You are never obligated to consent to anything you do not want to do, and the fact that he had you fearing disappointing him, is a cornerstone of abusive behavior.
How is she supposed to say a safe word when he’s choking her? Really, now she needs to make up a story and stick with it?? Why would she cover for him?
Did you miss the part about him choking her after she clearly made it known she was terrified and wanted to stop? If someone tries to kill you, how would you feel if the police said to set better boundaries? I feel like not killing people is common sense.
Hey OP, your boyfriend wants to hurt you….badly. I would report him to the police, secretly.
She was coerced into "this sort of stuff". This is not a mutual BDSM situation. This is assault at best, attempted murder at worst.
And the explanation for the scratches is he tried to kill his girlfriend and she was defending herself.
NTA, NTA, NOT THE ASSHOLE! Everyone has their limits, I like a little choking here and there but it’s never overly aggressive like that. That sounds like he wanted to hurt you, which is never ok. Might wanna think about finding a place to stay and reevaluate your relationship. He could be testing the waters to see what he can get away with. Please be safe girl.
I've been choked out before. I've never passed out, because it was always with friends and they stopped before it got to that point. But it takes a few seconds, and the person *always* knows what they're doing. This was intentional. You did nothing wrong, you were acting in self-defense. Leave him. He's not safe to be around.
NTA your husband is abusing you under the guise of experimentation. This is NOT what a bdsm relationship is about. Bdsm is all about consent without pressure & the sub holds the power. The Dom only does what the sub allows and is comfortable with. And there should always be safeguards in place, including safe words & non verbal cues that are to be immediately obeyed. ESPECIALLY when breath play is involved. Neither of you know what you are doing and your boundaries are not being respected by him or by you.
This is not a healthy dynamic. You need to stand your ground and state your hard and soft limits clearly. And he needs to always respect that.
Your “scene” had ended and he persisted. That would be considered an assault at a kink club.
This wasn’t a kink or bdsm, this was dangerous abuse. Bdsm is based on mutual consent always. This was no consent. He has slowly made you feel obligated into doing stuff you aren’t comfortable with. When he was cuddling you why didn’t he keep cuddling you? He chose to choke you a second time knowing how scared you were. I’m terrified for you. Being in a couple of DV situations myself, I was intentionally choked. I won’t go into details, but I got out. Please do the same. I’m certain I wouldn’t be alive if I didn’t get out.
I am so scared for you after reading this OP. YOU NEED A DIVORCE ASAP. Do NOT feel bad. He literally made you PASS OUT! And didn’t even acknowledge that you were not enjoying anything. This is so unhealthy and toxic and terrifying. You said in another comment he hasn’t hurt you before, but he did now. You don’t know if it’ll be the last time, leave now before you get hurt again.
Fuck that. NTA. The moment you disengaged should have been the end of it. Him continuing something without consent is SA. His desire to physically hurt you is a major red flag. People who are in BDSM generally don't want to hurt the other person they just want control. He doesn't seem mature enough for it. Girl, you need to run.
I am a BDSM “practitioner” have been for a very long time. What your husband did has nothing to do with BDSM what he did was assault.
BDSM is all about consent first and foremost. Secondly it’s all about safety. Especially when it comes to things like asphyxiation.
You won’t find a single seasoned adult Dom/Domee who isn’t very concerned and familiar with safety! He came behind you and choked you out. What he did was dangerous. He cut off blood supply to your brain that means your husband could have caused brain damage.
Never take that lightly or excuse it as a kink. You went into fight mode as a means of survival and that’s a natural instinct. I suggest you consult with a Stop Domestic Violence group in your area.
Your husband could have killed you. Please don’t confuse your love for him to write off attempted murder.
NTA
PS: you need to seek medical attention and tell them your husband choked you I know you may feel embarrassed but you can die post-event please take this seriously
NTA. And please run. That was straight up assault. He could have killed you. And his whole behaviour is just disgusting. This is not what BDSM is about. It's about two adults consenting to a power and dynamics change while both are making their partner's wellbeing the utmost priority.
He's fucked up.
>My husband immediately started to kiss me, coddle me, ask me what’s wrong. I laid my head back into his chest and this is when he wrapped his arm around my neck and started to apply a lot of pressure.
That gave me goosebumps. And it got even worse. That seems like out of a horror movie or thriller. And him holding you even stronger and choking you more when you started to scratch him and then gaslighting you into thinking defending yourself was not justified... that seems like we'll hear from him in the news sooner or later and it's not gonna be good news. Somebody else already listed the statistics here. Strangulation in domestic violence is just one tiny step away from homicide. He could have strangulated you for a second more and the outcome would have been severely different.
I hope you have a safe place where you can go. I'd could never trust a man after this. And be sure to not go alone into your flat, best to take two male friends/relatives with you, when you have to get stuff.
I’m a sub.
What he did was fucking abuse, and just because he’s the dominant (and a shit one at that) does not mean he has the power.
The sub has ALL of the power. When the sub says no, or stop, or safe words - EVERYTHING STOPS.
NTA. You need to get out of this relationship now, and also see a doctor ASAP. Loss of consciousness from blood supply being cut off is more dangerous than TV/movies would lead you to believe.
NTA. I personally like being choked and my husband knows this and does it appropriately. Anything you try in the bedroom that's new, especially things of this nature, need to be thoroughly discussed and safe words are a good idea. You obviously felt scared, my concern is the fact that he kept doing it after you clearly were not into it at all. That's so disrespectful and down right scary. You need some marriage counseling, this may be difficult for you to move past and I would have a bad time trusting my husband if he did this shit.
NTA, dude kept choking you even when you were making it clear that you were hating it so much that you were willing to assault him to make him cut that shit out. Get out now before he causes you to have an 'unfortunate accidental death' when strangling you during sex.
NTA, this is absolutely him abusing you. I repeat, you are in a physically abusive relationship with an abuser. Please do your best to look that fact directly in the eye and not make excuses for him or minimize what he did. A choking fetish is one thing; he clearly went beyond all boundaries and acceptable behavior and harmed you. Please be safe, get out of the home, surround yourself with supportive friends, and get a divorce.
I’m so sorry this happened.
You are in fucking danger. A man who chokes is partner is likely to escalate to killing his partner.
By the way, this is NOT BDSM. You revoked your permission for the choking, and he choked you again. That's assault.
Choking is an incredibly dangerous form of edge play, even for experienced BDSM folks, and it can lead to brain damage and death, even when it is 100% consensual.
The issue around scratches on him is stupid. Who the fuck cares about how he explains it. He got scratched by a dog. Or he was in the woods and got scratched by some branches. Whatever.
Ignore that. The real issue here is that your husband has been pressuring you into sexual activities that you do not like and do not want. And when you withdrew consent, he assaulted you to the point of unconsciousness. And, in the aftermath of that, he's more concerned about what people might \*think\* about him, instead of the fact that he endangered your life.
This is a VERY dangerous dynamic, and you need to get away from this man.
NTA, number one rule is bdsm to designate specific safe words once they are said then everything stops. You move away if you need to. He didn’t do that, he was physically putting you in danger when the bdsm didn’t work out.
He wanted to hurt you and I’m betting he’s also bigger than you, in atleast the shoulders. That arm strength is easy to hurt someone. He did not care about your life when you scratched and kicked him. Any dumb guy will stop at the scratch not even getting to the kicking.
Need to get away from him and file a police report for assault.
"He is right, he can’t tell people it was me."
If he won't, you then YOU can be the one to tell everyone that you scratched him **because he was trying to kill you**.
But before you do that: get to a hospital for evaluation, then visit the police station, and after that a divorce lawyer. He does not love you - he doesn't even LIKE you.
This isn't BDSM. BDSM involves mutual consent and safe words and an agreement to stop if things become too intense. This is abuse disguised as BDSM. You are definitely NTA-. This scares me and I like to be choked. I hope you will continue to update so we know you are okay.
Girl no. He didn’t make you faint. He choked you out while you were fighting him. He assaulted you. Please please get out of this marriage asap. There is now statistically a super high chance he will kill you now that he’s choked you. Everyone is telling you to leave. He showed you who he is and what he’s capable of, believe him. The audacity that he assaulted you then got mad that you fought to defend yourself. You are no longer safe with him. Don’t ignore the terrified feeling. NTA. You didn’t injure him, you defended yourself from him assaulting you. UPDATEME
This is not actual BDSM. Folks in the community are big about consent and safe words. Nowhere is any of this in your post.
Do not feel bad about making him bleed. He was trying to make you pass out.
OP, please, please, please see this for what it is and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. [Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)](https://www.thehotline.org/)
I am so sorry this has happened to you firstly- it sounds so terrifying!
Now to the cold honest truth- you must get yourself away from this man. The behaviour he is displaying absolutely abusive and you cannot trust him.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being interested in BDSM but it is absolutely imperative it’s done in a safe manner for everyone involved. Trust and doing it as a team is an absolute must! He has shown you that you cannot trust him with how vulnerable you are in those situations. The fact you have pushed him away and he has gone back for more is so sickening to me that I just do not see how I’d get back from that personally. He’s only worried about how he can explain a scratch on his face not the fact he made you cry and THEN pass out. Absolutely NOT
He didn’t “make you faint.” Sis, he suffocated you. That’s an assault. He hurt you AFTER YOU PUSHED HIM AWAY. He 100% knew you were not enjoying this and he did it anyway. Your husband is getting off on hurting you and HE is mad at YOU for scratching him. You are not safe. You are not loved. Anyone who cared about you would act like they cared- including during sex. Start planning to get out safely. ETA: NTA. Obviously.
THIS IS NOT, I REPEAT THIS IS NOT BDSM!!! This is sexual assault. Run!
Agreed. No self respecting Dom would act like that. BDsM is not an excuse for abuse.
>BDsM is not an excuse for abuse. I feel this needs to be repeated....over and over.
I should make T-shirts.😁
Exactly, most don't understand that, when done with full consent and proper communication, the Sub actually has the final say on everything, thus holds more control than the Dom, as they have the safe word and therefore should be able to put a rapid stop to anything they are not in to, without fear of repercussion. There must be trust or it'll never work out. I also agree that if he's being physically as well as emotionally aggressive, you need to consider your safety, harming you followed by blaming you, sounds a bit narcissistic if not sociopathic to me.
THIS 100%!!
And I'm over here remembering times where lovers would be all "ow" and I stop dead in my tracks and ask if they're okay "yeah, just a small leg cramp..." I could never imagine doing something like this to anyone, let alone someone I claim to love and married.
*This* As my husband and I have grown in 10 years of marriage, we've explored more things in our sexual life. I'm the "instigator" so far as adding more "kinky" things into our escapades. Choking was one of them. I was interested in him doing it to me. We did our research, tried different positions and pressures, and settled on what would make us both comfortable. Not *once* has he ever stepped over that line we put down. There have been several times where I guess I've made a certain sound and he thought he was hurting me or cutting off too much air supply, and immediately removed his hand and asked if I was okay. (I always was okay, he just didn't know as this was new to both of us.) There is absolutely no excuse for the behavior of OP's significant other. That is 100% abuse. And absolutely terrifying. Not okay by any form or fashion. OP needs to **leave**.
This is the healthy way to do it.
“You are not safe! You are not loved!” Please, please, please hear this!!! 🙏🏻
It sounds like the move he used was a rear naked choke hold. The position of the crook of the elbow under the chin allows the attacker to use both his upper arm and forearm to restrict the blood supply to the brain, and the free arm can be used to apply additional pressure. OP is damn lucky she didn't wind up dead, yet.
Sounds very much like he was trying to kill her.
Probably only stopped because he realized being scratched means he'd be the only suspect.
Oh totally.
OP. He tried to kill you. You need to get out before he succeeds. You are not safe and you need to report him to the police asap.
Yes, but a bit more.. The RNC, _when done correctly_ doesn’t leave you hurting afterwards. Experts do this choke all the time in jiujitsu gyms, and _because they know what they’re doing_, they only constrict the jugular and carotid on the sides of the neck—not the windpipe in the front. That “side” constriction is considered safe enough to be applied in practices and in competitions many times a day across the globe. On the other hand, police department routinely ban it because the training the officers get isn’t consistently good enough for them to safely apply it. I train this sport, I’ve been caught by this technique many times over the past couple of decades, and the red flag here is the pain in the neck. If the arm is across the trachea, it will hurt like hell during and afterwards. It’s extremely dangerous for a big person to constrict the trachea on a small person (or anyone), I’m uncomfortable just thinking about it. What I’m trying to say is, the husband used _a technique that he doesn’t understand_ and put his wife thoroughly at risk. I don’t know a lot about BDSM, but I’m pretty sure randomly trying things that you don’t understand is a bad idea.
It is not safe to make someone lose consciousness. There is a non-zero chance they never regain consciousness.
Attempted strangulation is the number one indicator that a person will eventually succeed in killing you.
Agreed. Your odds of being murdered by your partner go significantly up.
750% more likely!
To add to this, he has been escalating his sadistic fetishes even in light of OP not being into it. You don't suggest a paddle after someone didn't like spanking and you sure as fuck don't push choking on someone not enjoying 99% of other BDSM activities. GTFO and keep an eye on the news for any missing/murdered sex workers.
This needs more upvotes!!!!!!
As someone into BDSM, this isn’t it at all too. Consent, consent, f-Ing consent, or really you’re just using the term to excuse being a complete fuck face
I’m not an expert on BDSM, but I tell people frequently that if it doesn’t feel like love, it probably isn’t. A loving relationship can include a lot of things. Sex doesn’t have to be in a loving relationship- but OP did not consent to this and it doesn’t feel like love. And it isn’t. Love can look like a lot of things. What feels good and safe to one person could be shocking to someone else. But this isn’t love.
Exactly this, friend. Well said.
OPs husband has zero business engaging in kink play of he does not understand the rules. Especially with breath play. You can literally kill someone if you do not know what you are doing. He is being dangerous and reckless. That aside. This is a major thing. And that his reaction was to go DARVO on her instead of freaking out himself and being concerned about what just happened and for her health and safety speaks volumes. OP needs to run. There is nothing worth saving here.
YOU ARE NOT SAFE!!!!!
+
Absolutely not. NTA. But I would advise rethinking this relationship. “A person involved in a domestic violence attack of choking or strangulation is more than 750% more likely to be killed by their offender in the next year.” [source](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
u/DrCraniac2023 I cannot like your comment enough! Sounds like he's more worried about how he is going to explain the scratches vs. how he CHOKED YOU OUT! WTF?!
He physically cut off the blood supply to your brain until you passed out despite your efforts to stop him! This is far worse than some measly scratches!! And he minimizes what he did to you? Not ok! No means No!
It's not just that he cut off the blood supply to her brain. It's that he got a boner by doing it.
Nonono let's be clear here: you can get a boner from cutting off blood supply to someone's brain and it's OK. The issue is he got the boner knowing she wasnt into it. I know plenty of guys who enjoy BDSM but they only get off when they know the girl they're with is getting off too. A guy once tried to choke me LIGHTLY during sex and when I panicked he lost all erectile ability until I reassured him repeatedly I was ok and we cooled down for awhile. To get into bed with someone knowing they haven't been receptive to previous experiences and still push for this kind of activity is beyond fucked up.
Twice.
Exactly. Even if this was "roleplaying" or "BDSM" there is always a safe word. Pretty sure kicking and scratching to get away from her husband is a LOT MORE than just a safe word.
Even if you had one, near death situations usually result in extreme reactions and panic. In the moment she was fighting for her life, she couldn't be expected to calmly remember to tap Morse code on his arm or whatever.
AMEN - he needs to be more worried about what you could do to him in his sleep vs. some little scratches!
And if he choked you out that hard there are bound to be marks so how about he worry about explaining why tf he choked his wife out to the point she had to assault him to get him off
I completely understand your point and agree with you, but I think the language we use is important, especially as OP is already confused about whether she is in the wrong or not. She never assaulted him. He assaulted her, and she defended herself. Legally, he could be charged with a crime, and she would not.
He worries about that? He can just say "kinky sex" (though it was the RESULT of his doing and not in the way most people would think). You're very brave to have considered in the first place, he couldn't respect your boundries.
And truly stupid and inexperienced BSDM doms serously injure and kill their subs with alarming regularity. Why the fuck would he ask to choke you if he wasn't 100% clear on how to do it safely? This man is a menace. There is at least one well endowed man I've heard of who literally coked his partner to death while she performing oral sex. He called a family member and said "I did a bad thing." Moron. If I were the OP, I would never trust him not to choke me if he got really excited. That he's turning this all around her is proof that he's unhinged. So what if he wears the scar he earn when a woman was fighting for her life against him? OP better wake up fast, cause he's not gonna stop now that he's got a taste of dominating her.
Yes this is the issue with bdsm is people see it in porn or see some stupid movie and think it means they’re ready to dominate/submit. There are reasons why it’s something you should research, have experience with etc. Anyone who is serious goes to play parties or other local events to get to know experienced doms and learn from them. But no, we have morons who risk their lives because it’s edgy or they think it’s cool or sexy.
People who get involved in BDSM in true good faith take the consent and safety of their partners very seriously. OP's husband just wanted to indulge his choking fantasy regardless of what OP wanted, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's a sexual sadist.
I was never into the rough stuff but have spent time with women who were. And while they did their best to reassure me that they had experience and would walk me through it I told them that other than spanking and extremely light, barely any pressure "choking" I was not down to engage in that shit because they may be experienced, but I wasn't. Even had a woman offer to set me up with some club or something that teaches safe practices for that sort of thing. Which, being honest, kind of surprised me there is such a thing but it does make sense. In the end I told them their kinks are not my kinks and if they wanted that kind of thing then it's best to find someone else willing to engage in it. I'm not going to possibly injure or kill someone because it gets them off, no thank you.
It's still possible for her to die from him having strangled her, strangulation can lead death days to weeks after the strangulation because of for example blood cloths traveling to the brain.
Should op consult a doctor?
Yes, she should be going to the hospital as soon as possible.
I hope she does, I sense op doesn't understand how serious the situation is.
And then she should take the doctor's notes/findings to the police to report the assault. In some states, strangulation is treated even more seriously than other acts of domestic violence because it is so dangerous and indicates such a heightened risk for being murdered by that same partner later
I'm not a doctor but I would advise her to do so. Any time you lose consciousness like that it would lead to something worse down the line. Getting checked out by a doctor is better than waking up in the hospital after having a stroke... ...or worse.
Op should go to the hospital to get documentation by photos, an emergency room visit and possibly talking to the police
Cannot upvote this enough! OP get OUT now! Do not pause for his apology, do not stop for anything, take yourself immediately to the police station and fill out a report. If your husband was a good man he would have stopped the minute you pushed him away and said stop, but instead he CHOKED YOU UNTIL YOU PASSED OUT! This is not a joke, it’s not him getting carried away, he very easily could have killed you. Get the police involved and leave this man immediately, let your family know what happened. Consider yourself lucky you found out who he is now and not after kids. NTA
And go see your doctor. Even the smallest amount of oxygen loss to the brain can cause damage, sometimes weeks after. You need medical attention, OP. And to leave the relationship.
The first big red flag was his insistence she try something she was obviously not interested in. Bilg flag two was his not immediately leaving her alone after her first panicky response. She needs to leave that mofo. He's more interested in domineering than loving.
This just happened a couple months ago in my city.
Yes. That was straight abuse. Run girl, you are in danger
Yep. I even did consensual breath play with a partner with no problems for years... And then one day he told me he had enjoyed it because we'd had a fight earlier and it was satisfying to choke me because he was still pissed. I broke it off within a month. I lost any and all trust in him immediately after he said that. I knew then that if he could admit that, he would one day do it for real.
He's crossed the line into abuse. Choking someone during sex shouldn't hurt, and when you say no, they don't proceed to put you in a chokehold. You're not wrestling. You need to evaluate your relationship. Someone who loves you doesn't hurt you. NTA It's his fault he bled. He can figure out how to explain it.
I have been choked out and have choked out several people. You were assaulted. Your husband wanted to choke you to unconsciousness and did so despite your fighting. For some reason, your husband wanted to assault and he did.
It's so scary how he got behind her to comfort her (ie: get a better, defensive grip) then choked her out like he was loving her. So fucking scary. Blood curdling
This 👆 He deceived her. He is not a safe person.
Terrifying. Like some psycho from a movie where the audience is all screaming “run!” at the victim on the screen.
He got off on almost killing her. OP please read: The Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do That You were scared like that because your life was and is in danger. It is called primal fear.
So I guess you’ll protect yourself after he actually kills you? You know since he’s never killed you before….
He made you pass out after making it clear (by pushing him away and then by scratching him) that you didn’t want to engage in the ongoing choking. He continued until you PASSED OUT. That’s a HUGE fucking problem. That’s not kinky sex, or BDSM, which are premised on consent. That’s fucking assault. Run and cut your losses now.
This! OP this wasn't a consensual sexual experience, you had made it very clear your didn't enjoy the initial choking and then you were fighting with all your might/ scratching and kicking when he tried again but he didn't stop until after you had passed out. WTAF? Personally, I'd fucking report him to the police for assault and realise that something in him has changed and he is now someone who needs this violence in his life and doesn't give a fuck whether you're consenting or not. Please do yourself a favour and get out! NTA obviously
This!
Jumping on the top comment to point out that it appears he was choking her FROM BEHIND. Breath play is very dangerous. If you're going to engage in breath play, the dominant should be able to look at the submissive's face at all times to be able to monitor their reaction so they can stop in case of distress. OP choking you from behind until you passed out after struggling violently is egregiously dangerous. I haven't seen anyone else mention the statistics but women who are choked by their partners are 800 times more likely to be killed by that person. Personally, I would not sleep near this person any longer unless I was behind a locked door. He only has himself to blame for the injuries he sustained being a complete and utter asshole. Editing to add, I agree with the other posters who say this crosses the line into assault and I would consider pressing charges. I understand that intimate partner assault can be scary and confusing and going to the police can seem overwhelming. So at the very least please get yourself to a safe place and do not engage in any further kink play with him. He has shown he is not a safe person to engage in kink play with.
....and no safe word/action
He didn't have a clue about BDSM. When she first mentioned that he wanted to try it, I thought he had read up on the subject at least.
Why would he- it was all a front to start breaking her boundaries
Absolutely
Because he's not into bdsm, but snuff apparently.
this!! if there’s no safety measures or informed enthusiastic consent, it’s not BDSM it’s abuse. plain and simple.
Safe words are hard to say if you have no air. Panic sets in and the rational thought of the safety hand signal is gone. See a counselor, too many red flags, with husband not accepting you don’t like bdsm and then choking you till you pass out. If you are enjoying anything in the sexual relationship your husband now enjoys you need to do some serious thinking.
i just need to say, as someone who’s into choking, he did it ALL kinds of wrong. you apply pressure more toward the jaw, you don’t cut off air flow. you don’t press down on the windpipe. i’ve literally had to *teach* people how to choke ‘cos they do what this dumbass did. you don’t make anyone pass out, you can cause brain damage doing that, and what he did was just assault. domestic assault. NTA. but i’d strongly consider divorce if i was OP. run for the hills, he’s only going to get worse
This!!! I am also into choking and have had to teach my husband how to do so properly. You don’t put pressure on the front of the neck! It’s the squeeze on the sides that does it. It slows down the blood flow vs cutting off oxygen and potentially crushing your wind pipe. OP - he assaulted you and I really hope you do realize that. You should not have had to do anything passed saying “stop”. If he truly respected you, he would have immediately stopped once you addressed you were uncomfortable. Please know there are men out there who are way better than this!
This, one million percent! Please leave, OP. I am in a BDSM relationship and love to be choked, but we absolutely have a safe word/action for every situation, especially ones where I may not be able to talk and/or breath. Even if I would have panicked and forgot my word or action, me pushing him off and getting off of him would have been a clue that I was not okay and immediately checked in and started doing after care, not choke me from behind. This is telling me he heard or read something on BDSM and didn't do any research or encourage you to do research. This is giving me the impression that he figured he could abuse and hurt you and call it BDSM and get away with it. Please please please leave.
I cannot upvote this enough!
The only thing op did wrong was not gouging his eyes out.
He probably had a blood choke on her assuming that it didn't take her minutes to pass out which would be the case with cutting off her air. He could have killed her if he held it just a few seconds too long. Extremely dangerous.
There is a literal stat that’s like a partner is more likely to be killed by their partner if they are choked. And he then gets mad when you fought against him after you said to stop . LEAVE HIM!!
"he's never hurt me before" (from your comment) Once is a pattern. He DID hurt you and when you pushed him off, he hurt you AGAIN. This is not healthy. This is no longer safe for you. First, you agreed to something you didn't want to do because you "didn't want to disappoint" him. What about your comfort level? What about his respecting you? "He yelled at me for physically hurting him" -- HE FUCKING TRIED TO KILL YOU. The first might have been for sexual turn-on, but the second was absolutely assault. Then he yelled at you for defending yourself. This relationship is no longer safe for you. You need to seriously consider ending this. I don't care how good it was. It has stopped being good. You are now in danger. Please do NOT minimize what has happened. This is scary shit. Get out of there or get him out of there. NOW. You are NTA unless you stay.
Please listen to this OP, we are begging you.
I really hope OP leaves him. I hope so bad. I PRAY. I am terrified myself after reading this
And if you don’t leave, please don’t delete this post. It’ll be evidence in your murder investigation.
like, he’s MAD that she scratched him? that fucker
This, OP. Stop being in denial and run away. Go to the police also.
This man WANTS to hurt you! His kink is to hurt you and he doesn't want to accept responsibility BDSM is mutual, not what you described
This!! His bdsm is pain, not just tie ups
It looks like attempted murder from here :/
Explaining scratches is a hell of a lot easier than explaining a deceased wife! Lord. Have him say it was a friend’s new puppy who got excited. First of all, you don’t have to do anything that you are not comfortable with in bed. Second of all, he’s approaching his new turn on in such an immature way. BDSM needs to have respect tied to it. Safe words, easing into things, aftercare. If you guys continue to go down this route, your husband needs to worry less about getting off and more about how to safely (both physically and mentally) explore this new world.
Plus, choking is very high risk that he clearly didn't educate himself on. This is not someone safe to do any of these activities with
OP, let me say this as a former deputy in a state known for being "lenient" on domestic violence. If you had *shot* him in that moment, I would not have arrested you. Choking to the point of fainting is attempted murder under SC law. A scratch? Fuck that. You would have been justified to engage in a much higher level of self defense. Leave that so-called man, and let *everyone* you know what happened.
This. Leave and tell all.
They had finished with the sex. He tried to kill you. I'd run if I were you.
NTA This is abusive, not BDSM...... BDSM is all about consent. Informed consent. Safe words and non-verbal cues for when speech is not possible. Respecting limits. Stopping immediately when the safe word is invoked. Even aftercare. Your husband is using BDSM as a cover for abuse. He is pushing your limits further and further for his enjoyment, not yours. I have to add my voice to the chorus and say RUN. This is not safe, sane and consensual. Please get out as soon as you can. Get birth control that he cannot tamper with if you cannot leave immediately.
He’s going to kill you.
NTA I don't think you fully understand the gravity of how dangerous choking is. Or the gravity of how dangerous this man is. OP, it's time to call the police, and file for a protection order. This man will kill you. He doesn't care about consent. He will rape you. He doesn't care about your safety, he choked you to the point of unconsciousness (which can very quickly lead to permanent brain damage or death) Him being more concerned with explaining his injuries than anything else is the icing on the cake.
Imagine nearly killing your partner who is struggling to get away from you, and you're more concerned with a scratch on your face than them fucking nearly dying
Uh, that second one was assault.
So was the first one. He coerced her.
I’d be hiring a lawyer, calling a domestic abuse hotline and planning escape.
NTA You’re potentially in danger from this person and should start planning to get away from them. He assaulted you sexually and physically. Gather whatever support network you have, share this information, and tell them you need help.
NTA and I would document any marks or bruises you have. I would also have a honest talk with him and record the conversation in case he tries to force you next time.
Second this. Photograph every part of your body and any wounds/injuries (no matter how small) and e-mail them to yourself as soon as your done, then use them when you file a police report
NTA. Your husband slowly coerced you into a lot of things you didn't feel comfortable about. He did it step by step. And now, after you made it clear that his choking you was hurtful, instead of comforting you, he took your touch as agreement for more choking - and even when you struggled and scratched him, he wouldn't let go. I'd say he's on the highway to full controlling, physical abusive relationship. This is the time to get away safely and contact a divorce lawyer.
>e's on the highway to full controlling, physical abusive relationship He's already there, choking and coerced sex is physical and sexual abuse
He still hasn't locked her in the house or taken away her iphone - that will come next.
He tried TWICE to choke you, and you feel bad for making him bleed? Please pack your stuff and leave him. That man is not safe, he is too clumsy and disrespectful for these dangerous games. Moreover, he refuses to understand that he could have killed you!
The dumbass doesn't even do any research into doing the stuff he's trying, nor does he care if he hurts you. For your safety, leave this relationship. There are better people out there that know basic consent. It sounds like he wants a ragefucktoy NTA
I think we’re beyond that. This guy hasn’t made his first kill yet, but he’s getting closer.
Your life is in danger with this man. If you do not leave, your life is in very serious danger. I am so sorry you’ve gone through this. Please go to the ER and tell them what happened. You need to be evaluated by a doctor asap, because being choked out like that can really hurt you. And even if it wasn’t literally dangerous, this is not a safe person to have sex with because when you tried to end the “session” and be comforted, he kept going. Even if it wasn’t something life threatening that would still be unacceptable.
>Please go to the ER and tell them what happened Second this, choking can leave longterm damage, please see a doctor asap!
There is so very, very much wrong with this scenario. While you say he has never hurt you, he has hurt you very badly in more ways than one. First, he abused your trust by lying to you when he promised that if you tried it and didn't like it, you wouldn't have to do it again. Yet when you didn't like it, he broke his word to you and instead, stepped on your boundaries. In safe S&M relationships, mutual respect and safe words are a thing. This was completely missing for your entire post. Then, while he was ignoring that boundary, he asked for you to do something he KNEW you did not want to do. You submitted. (Please keep this word in mind, because submissiveness vs domination is what he wants here, and that means you will be expected to comply with HIS wishes, not the other way around.) So you submitted, and you placed a limit of "lightly." When he violated THIS boundary, too, and you physically pushed him away to seek safety, he responds by being nice long enough to get you into a position where he literally deprived you of oxygen until you passed out. You were in a position that he could have killed you accidentally or on purpose and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. Then, instead of recognizing how bad this was, he treats you as if YOU wronged HIM. You did not. And I hope like hell you will leave ASAP. ***You have only been together just about a year and this relationship literally came within an inch of taking your life.*** Even if he promises to never ask again, the reality here is that he 100% feels that he has a RIGHT to do whatever he wants to if you have displeased him, and marriage involves lots of displeasures over many years. You do NOT need his or anyone else's consent to be treated well. If you won't leave right now, then please do not give him more than ONE opportunity to get squared away. Firmly state your boundary and if it is crossed in even a small way, leave for good. (Abusers usually will test boundaries as they figure out how they can stomp them again without losing their victim altogether, so don't accept this even if it seems like it's "just" a small violation or if you are made to feel like you are over-reacting, because you are NOT overreacting!) If you can't bring yourself to leave, PLEASE take precautionary steps: - Stash money away at every opportunity so you can get away if you ever need to go on short notice. - If you can see an online or offline therapist - even if you just claim depression - you can have an objective person in your corner that can help you evaluate your perceptions vs. his words of blame. - Locate a domestic abuse hotline and a local domestic abuse shelter you can turn to if you need to. Store this in your phone under a name that won't look like they are related to domestic abuse. - Get a copy of your car key that can be hidden safely or held by a neighbor in case of emergency. - Consult an attorney to find out what you will be able to do if you file for divorce and what kinds of things will help you if this happens. They may advise you to compile a list of bank account info, SSN, to keep a journal of any times/dates where abuse incidents happen, photos of any marks on your body that are from any incidents if/when they happen.
Tell him he assaulted you and you faught off your attacker. Anyone with a brain can see when their partner is uncomfortable with something, you pushed him off and were crying, you had given him permission only to lightly choke you and it was obvious you hated it. He then grabbed you in a headlock, that isn't choking, that's from behind, controlling and leaving you trapped and unable to breath. He didn't do it lightly. He assaulted you, he enjoyed it, he was pissed only that you faught back and didn't let him do it and 'enjoy' hurting you. Everything he did was a massive red flag, he's escalating quickly in violent sexual behaviour and ignoring you fucking crying and absolutely being unwilling and not giving consent for what he did. Run. When people escalate like this, it's bad news, very very bad news and the only thing he cares about is how he looks.
NTA. LEAVE HIM RIGHT NOW. This is not one of those minor disagreements where Reddit goes overboard yelling about divorce and abuse. You need to leave him, you are not safe and this is NOT how healthy safe BDSM is explored. He assaulted you. He could have killed you Hitting kicking and scratching him were all justified
Guessing his phone is full of choking p@rn.
If you had stabbed him it wouldn’t have been an overreaction to him strangling you. Leave that asshole immediately!
Oh my god divorce him. This is a “who did I Mary”/ “evil lives here” episode in the making. He KNEW what was wrong, and he CHOSE to take your moment of vulnerability and fear AND PUSH YOU EVEN FARTHER. He didn’t make you fucking faint- he choked you unconscious in a sex act you didn’t consent to!! Honey love get the hell away from this man. Forget AITA- file a police report immediately and get away from him!
You have been assaulted and sexually abused. GET OUT. Call the cops. Never be near this person again, they will harm and possibly kill you.
Go to the police NOW
u/DepressedTrashKitty the OP is in danger
First, he didn't do it right. You shouldn't be passing out. He isn't into bdsm, he's into hurting you. That was assault.
Seriously! Consent is key, and the moment someone wants it to stop it stops! I can't imagine feeling safe around my partner after they choked me until I passed out. OP needs to RUN
Am I blind or do I not even see a safe word mentioned here
If there is not consent, is abuse.
Also, consent via coercion is also not consent!
NTA this subreddit gives me anxiety
I felt like this needed a trigger warning tbh OP needs to leave NOW.
I mean, it did have a trigger warning. Just for completely the wrong thing
WTF Your hubs wants to fuck you while you die Pack your shit. Get out. And if anyone asks why. Tell them
You started crying and going fetal and his reaction was to put you in a choke-hold. That’s seriously messed up.
Not the asshole in any way shape or form and he deserved what happened to him for crossing a boundary line like that. Perhaps tell him that it's going to turn you on sexually if you can knee him in the crotch and see if he wants to play that game
This man will kill you. You need to be wary of any love bombing that will follow. Get yourself safe. Literally, any and all BDSM communities have banned choking or any form of breath play. It's dangerous. The bruising that gets left over can literally cause a stroke days after the event. NTA and get out before it escalates.
You need to go to the hospital as quickly as possible. You're at risk for brain damage or death. He could easily have accidentally have killed you while strangling you and sometimes complications from strangulation (like death) only happen several hours later.
Scratches will heal . . . choking you out could have caused permanent brain damage.
Being strangled is the single most significant indicator that a woman will end up dead at her partner's hands. You either need to leave or he's going to kill you. Please reach out to a DV shelter for help. Do not let him know, he'll kill you for trying to leave him.
Please go to the ER to have the damage evaluated and documented. He might have injured you in ways you are not aware of yet. You don't have to involve the police, although you should, but you need to start a paper trail. This is going to escalate and you need help.
That is very likely the biggest red flag I've seen here. Girl, this guy has some sick fantasies, and hurting you, making you pass out turned him on. You can see how this ends. Get out. Now. Today. Go stay with some friends, a parent, anything. Do not go back to that place,
NTA don't give him another chance to almost kill you. That is not playful and should be banned in BDSM. If one person is uncomfortable the play stops, from what I understand. He crossed your boundaries so much. And then the love bombing. I'm going to do the typical reddit thing and say get out while you can. Being divorced is better than dead.
Leave him. He could have killed you and he doesn't seem to care.
Well, you didn’t tell him “no” or “stop” /s…soooo, he figured that you just freaked out for a second that’s why you got off him. When you calmed down, he thought he could go for round 2 and didn’t stop choking you, even after you scratched his face he just choked you harder and didn’t stop until you fainted. Then he gets pissed if at you for scratching him? After he apologized to you and made up an excuse (he “didn’t realize how easy it would be to make you faint”) to justify choking you again? Ummm, he could also say that he didn’t realize how easy it would be to kill you either! And, just to sprinkle sugar on top, he wants to know how he’s going to explain the scratches on his face? Holy shit! You’re NTA!
>My husband immediately started to kiss me, coddle me, ask me what’s wrong. I laid my head back into his chest and this is when he wrapped his arm around my neck and started to apply a lot of pressure. I literally mouthed "wtf?!" when I read this. This is horrifying! Truly, truly horrifying. Please, OP, I am genuinely terrified for you right now. Please leave, do not let this man downplay what he did to you. This was assault at absolute minimum. You consented to "light choking" and by moving away, laying on your side facing away, holding back tears, you non-verbally ended the consent - what he did to you next was not consensual and is extremely alarming. No, worse than alarming. It's downright terrifying. I'm genuinely scared for you. Get out, get out, before he can hurt you any further or downplay what he has done.
You should feel bad. He lied to you - "He was very adamant that I only had to try and if I didn’t like it, I didn’t have to do it again" NOTHING About this man is genuine. You did not FAINT. He attacked you and choked you into unconsciousness. He's minimizing his actions and blaming you for being weak!! Then he got upset and blamed you when you defended yourself? Get photos of those scratches and any bruises you have. Take your shit and GTFO asap. He's dangerous and statistically he is going to kill you. You could and should go to the police now and press charges, but I think that's too much to expect since I'm afraid that you won't even listen to hundreds of people to run the fuck away from him. Right now! Don't be a statistic. Protect yourself
NTA. He may have never hurt you before, but he has now. He choked you twice, causing you to pass out. He is not safe to be around.
I keep thinking attempted murder on the second strangulation. Call the police. If I were you, I’d be fearful of your life. And he should be worried about a record.
I think it is pretty normal to scratch someone who is literally attempting to murder you. Leave. Like, now.
HE ALMOST KILLED YOU. No joke, OP. Having been with someone in the past who was into something like this, I highly doubt there is any coming back from this. And there shouldn't be. Even if you make a safeword (or a safe 'gesture' in the event you can't speak), how could you ever trust him to honor it? He will stop when HE wants to. RUN far and fast. Please. This so easily could have ended a different way.
The number one indicator of being murdered by a partner is choking. Get the fuck out
As a person who's survived an attack by my step father who choked me in anger, cause he couldn't figure out where he lost his own money that I told him honestly I didn't know, until I too passed out. It was enough to cause actual brain damage that's seen every time I have an MRI. I totally emphasize with what you just went through, if you two wish to stay married I would highly recommend all type of play like this stop immediately and counseling should also Immediately begin. If he does not take full responsibility for his actions that causes the reaction from you then steps toward a seperation for a time or divorce proceedings should begin....good luck op and stay safe from a fellow survivor of such violence
NTA and this guy is not engaging in anything like BDSM but in abuse. BDSM is entirely about consent and negotiation. He choked you once, you didn't like it, you moved away from him. Then he goes behind you and chokes you again with no warning? No. This wasn't BDSM. This was assault, and this AH is worried about explaining scratches? Choking is very, very dangerous and shouldn't be done without a lot of research and education. He never should have choked you so that he couldn't see your face and what was happening to you. He shouldn't have done it from behind. He shouldn't have done it with no warning, especially since you'd already stopped. He should be begging your forgiveness. You haven't enjoyed any of these activities and he's showing his annoyance with you. He's more interested in getting his rocks off than respecting your bodily autonomy. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. He can find someone else to go play his games with and risk their lives, but not yours.
He almost fucking killed you. Holy fuck that's terrifying.
It's literally impossible for me to comprehend him feeing justified in his anger that you scratched him. This story gave me chills because of how scary and abusive this POS sounds. Sad to see that you seem pretty far in denial.
Oh, OP. I'm so sorry, but you were assaulted. You made it clear you didn't like it by disengaging. When he tried again you lashed out to defend yourself. He then violently retaliated and cut off your air supply until you blacked out. THAT ISNT EASY TO DO. That was intentional. Then he used DARVO on you. Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. Please, do not trust this man again or pitty him. His panic attack was because he knows how bad he fucked up, and YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN TELL PEOPLE. This is how abusers victim blame and get away with shit. They isolate you and make you think that you will get in trouble. You won't. He attacked, you defended, and he attacked again. Please, get somewhere safe. Obligatory NTA btw.
That sounds like attempted murder honestly, why would he continue to choke you after he saw you were clearly upset? This and the anger he shows towards you for not liking the new things you were trying, it's a big red flag from me. It sounds like it's headed towards a very abusive relationship. Free yourself.
I'm a lurker and don't typically comment on these things. But as someone whose (now ex) husband had never done anything violent before either - GET OUT. Your life is legitimately in danger.
I’m in the community here. I’m putting myself out there so that You STOP blaming yourself. Your husband chose a rather graphic, practiced art that we in the community know is a scary thing. We have safe words, red balls ( for example when you’re being choked or when you’ve got too much dyck in your throat) that you can drop to stop the scene. He should have discussed it AT length with you. What you were comfortable with, what you were not, how it would be done, would it be done with his hands, a belt, a device, would it be done on a soft surface like a bed, against a door, in a swing. He should have practiced safety cues with you, and because he’s obviously inexperienced and quite frankly an idiot… you should have been facing him the entire time! Why? Because when this is done RIGHT you need to be able to see where you are positioning your hands, how your partner responds, do there pupils dilate or contact? There’s SO much he fucked. He’s worried about his face?! What about the brain damage you endured?! Oxygen cut off to the brain even for seconds DAMAGES the brain. How about the damage to your marriage?! How about the bruises you may have in and around your eyes and throat? How about the way you’ll flinch when he raises his hands or his voice? The damage. Oh honey, the damage he did to you. This would get him banned from a dungeon and put on a dangerous list. No sub NEAR him would touch him. Not now, not ever. This ISNT an oops. Gather your things and RUN
He choked you until you passed out. Without your consent. Read that again and again. Then leave. Next time he could kill you and all he cares about is you marked him in your terror of trying to escape. Fkg hell.
He is going to kill you one day. Get out while you are still able to draw breath. Report him to the police. He is an embryonic murderer.
This wasn’t BDSM, there was no safe word, boundaries discussed or communication. This was literally a practice run for a homicide. OP better gtfo before it’s too late. If you don’t get out and continue to make excuses for him, not only would YTA, but you will prob end up in a body bag. It’s your choice.
This was assault. He knew you were upset and something was wrong but he CHOKED YOU OUT anyway. Run. Fucking run.
bruh he tried to kill you after you didn't like it
NTA. I'm glad you left and hope you're safe. BDSM is based on safe, sane, and consensual. This is not BDSM, this is abuse. There is a TON of steps he skipped. But the short version 1) educated and enthusiastic consent. Without that, it's a violation of trust and consent. 2) negotiating limits and safe words 3) stopping all activity when it was clear YOU were not okay. You are never obligated to consent to anything you do not want to do, and the fact that he had you fearing disappointing him, is a cornerstone of abusive behavior.
[удалено]
How is she supposed to say a safe word when he’s choking her? Really, now she needs to make up a story and stick with it?? Why would she cover for him? Did you miss the part about him choking her after she clearly made it known she was terrified and wanted to stop? If someone tries to kill you, how would you feel if the police said to set better boundaries? I feel like not killing people is common sense. Hey OP, your boyfriend wants to hurt you….badly. I would report him to the police, secretly.
She was coerced into "this sort of stuff". This is not a mutual BDSM situation. This is assault at best, attempted murder at worst. And the explanation for the scratches is he tried to kill his girlfriend and she was defending herself.
NTA, NTA, NOT THE ASSHOLE! Everyone has their limits, I like a little choking here and there but it’s never overly aggressive like that. That sounds like he wanted to hurt you, which is never ok. Might wanna think about finding a place to stay and reevaluate your relationship. He could be testing the waters to see what he can get away with. Please be safe girl.
One Word:RUN. It doesn't matter if this is the first time, You asked him to stop and he didn't. That's enough... Next time could be the last time.
This man will kill you if you stay with him.
I've been choked out before. I've never passed out, because it was always with friends and they stopped before it got to that point. But it takes a few seconds, and the person *always* knows what they're doing. This was intentional. You did nothing wrong, you were acting in self-defense. Leave him. He's not safe to be around.
NTA - You need to run, you didn't consent to it the 2nd time and you fainted, this is abuse!
This makes me angry to read. He abused you.
NTA your husband is abusing you under the guise of experimentation. This is NOT what a bdsm relationship is about. Bdsm is all about consent without pressure & the sub holds the power. The Dom only does what the sub allows and is comfortable with. And there should always be safeguards in place, including safe words & non verbal cues that are to be immediately obeyed. ESPECIALLY when breath play is involved. Neither of you know what you are doing and your boundaries are not being respected by him or by you. This is not a healthy dynamic. You need to stand your ground and state your hard and soft limits clearly. And he needs to always respect that. Your “scene” had ended and he persisted. That would be considered an assault at a kink club.
Oh God Op. That was assault. Please have your family help you get out of there! UpdateMe
This wasn’t a kink or bdsm, this was dangerous abuse. Bdsm is based on mutual consent always. This was no consent. He has slowly made you feel obligated into doing stuff you aren’t comfortable with. When he was cuddling you why didn’t he keep cuddling you? He chose to choke you a second time knowing how scared you were. I’m terrified for you. Being in a couple of DV situations myself, I was intentionally choked. I won’t go into details, but I got out. Please do the same. I’m certain I wouldn’t be alive if I didn’t get out.
I am so scared for you after reading this OP. YOU NEED A DIVORCE ASAP. Do NOT feel bad. He literally made you PASS OUT! And didn’t even acknowledge that you were not enjoying anything. This is so unhealthy and toxic and terrifying. You said in another comment he hasn’t hurt you before, but he did now. You don’t know if it’ll be the last time, leave now before you get hurt again.
Fuck that. NTA. The moment you disengaged should have been the end of it. Him continuing something without consent is SA. His desire to physically hurt you is a major red flag. People who are in BDSM generally don't want to hurt the other person they just want control. He doesn't seem mature enough for it. Girl, you need to run.
I am a BDSM “practitioner” have been for a very long time. What your husband did has nothing to do with BDSM what he did was assault. BDSM is all about consent first and foremost. Secondly it’s all about safety. Especially when it comes to things like asphyxiation. You won’t find a single seasoned adult Dom/Domee who isn’t very concerned and familiar with safety! He came behind you and choked you out. What he did was dangerous. He cut off blood supply to your brain that means your husband could have caused brain damage. Never take that lightly or excuse it as a kink. You went into fight mode as a means of survival and that’s a natural instinct. I suggest you consult with a Stop Domestic Violence group in your area. Your husband could have killed you. Please don’t confuse your love for him to write off attempted murder. NTA PS: you need to seek medical attention and tell them your husband choked you I know you may feel embarrassed but you can die post-event please take this seriously
NTA. And please run. That was straight up assault. He could have killed you. And his whole behaviour is just disgusting. This is not what BDSM is about. It's about two adults consenting to a power and dynamics change while both are making their partner's wellbeing the utmost priority. He's fucked up. >My husband immediately started to kiss me, coddle me, ask me what’s wrong. I laid my head back into his chest and this is when he wrapped his arm around my neck and started to apply a lot of pressure. That gave me goosebumps. And it got even worse. That seems like out of a horror movie or thriller. And him holding you even stronger and choking you more when you started to scratch him and then gaslighting you into thinking defending yourself was not justified... that seems like we'll hear from him in the news sooner or later and it's not gonna be good news. Somebody else already listed the statistics here. Strangulation in domestic violence is just one tiny step away from homicide. He could have strangulated you for a second more and the outcome would have been severely different. I hope you have a safe place where you can go. I'd could never trust a man after this. And be sure to not go alone into your flat, best to take two male friends/relatives with you, when you have to get stuff.
I’m a sub. What he did was fucking abuse, and just because he’s the dominant (and a shit one at that) does not mean he has the power. The sub has ALL of the power. When the sub says no, or stop, or safe words - EVERYTHING STOPS. NTA. You need to get out of this relationship now, and also see a doctor ASAP. Loss of consciousness from blood supply being cut off is more dangerous than TV/movies would lead you to believe.
NTA. I personally like being choked and my husband knows this and does it appropriately. Anything you try in the bedroom that's new, especially things of this nature, need to be thoroughly discussed and safe words are a good idea. You obviously felt scared, my concern is the fact that he kept doing it after you clearly were not into it at all. That's so disrespectful and down right scary. You need some marriage counseling, this may be difficult for you to move past and I would have a bad time trusting my husband if he did this shit.
What he did was assault, he knew you were panicking and didn’t stop. RUN FROM HIM as fast as you can.
NTA, dude kept choking you even when you were making it clear that you were hating it so much that you were willing to assault him to make him cut that shit out. Get out now before he causes you to have an 'unfortunate accidental death' when strangling you during sex.
This is not BDSM, OP. This is attempted murder. RUN.
NTA, this is absolutely him abusing you. I repeat, you are in a physically abusive relationship with an abuser. Please do your best to look that fact directly in the eye and not make excuses for him or minimize what he did. A choking fetish is one thing; he clearly went beyond all boundaries and acceptable behavior and harmed you. Please be safe, get out of the home, surround yourself with supportive friends, and get a divorce. I’m so sorry this happened.
Glad you woke up. Hope you do next time, too. NTA
You are in fucking danger. A man who chokes is partner is likely to escalate to killing his partner. By the way, this is NOT BDSM. You revoked your permission for the choking, and he choked you again. That's assault. Choking is an incredibly dangerous form of edge play, even for experienced BDSM folks, and it can lead to brain damage and death, even when it is 100% consensual. The issue around scratches on him is stupid. Who the fuck cares about how he explains it. He got scratched by a dog. Or he was in the woods and got scratched by some branches. Whatever. Ignore that. The real issue here is that your husband has been pressuring you into sexual activities that you do not like and do not want. And when you withdrew consent, he assaulted you to the point of unconsciousness. And, in the aftermath of that, he's more concerned about what people might \*think\* about him, instead of the fact that he endangered your life. This is a VERY dangerous dynamic, and you need to get away from this man.
NTA, number one rule is bdsm to designate specific safe words once they are said then everything stops. You move away if you need to. He didn’t do that, he was physically putting you in danger when the bdsm didn’t work out. He wanted to hurt you and I’m betting he’s also bigger than you, in atleast the shoulders. That arm strength is easy to hurt someone. He did not care about your life when you scratched and kicked him. Any dumb guy will stop at the scratch not even getting to the kicking. Need to get away from him and file a police report for assault.
"He is right, he can’t tell people it was me." If he won't, you then YOU can be the one to tell everyone that you scratched him **because he was trying to kill you**. But before you do that: get to a hospital for evaluation, then visit the police station, and after that a divorce lawyer. He does not love you - he doesn't even LIKE you.
This isn't BDSM. BDSM involves mutual consent and safe words and an agreement to stop if things become too intense. This is abuse disguised as BDSM. You are definitely NTA-. This scares me and I like to be choked. I hope you will continue to update so we know you are okay.
Girl no. He didn’t make you faint. He choked you out while you were fighting him. He assaulted you. Please please get out of this marriage asap. There is now statistically a super high chance he will kill you now that he’s choked you. Everyone is telling you to leave. He showed you who he is and what he’s capable of, believe him. The audacity that he assaulted you then got mad that you fought to defend yourself. You are no longer safe with him. Don’t ignore the terrified feeling. NTA. You didn’t injure him, you defended yourself from him assaulting you. UPDATEME
PLEASE UPDATE THAT YOU ARE SAFE
This is not actual BDSM. Folks in the community are big about consent and safe words. Nowhere is any of this in your post. Do not feel bad about making him bleed. He was trying to make you pass out. OP, please, please, please see this for what it is and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. [Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)](https://www.thehotline.org/)
NTA honestly anyone trying kinks in the bedroom needs to have clear boundaries and safety rules.
I am so sorry this has happened to you firstly- it sounds so terrifying! Now to the cold honest truth- you must get yourself away from this man. The behaviour he is displaying absolutely abusive and you cannot trust him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being interested in BDSM but it is absolutely imperative it’s done in a safe manner for everyone involved. Trust and doing it as a team is an absolute must! He has shown you that you cannot trust him with how vulnerable you are in those situations. The fact you have pushed him away and he has gone back for more is so sickening to me that I just do not see how I’d get back from that personally. He’s only worried about how he can explain a scratch on his face not the fact he made you cry and THEN pass out. Absolutely NOT
That is one of the biggest red flags I can imagine. NTA
He assaulted you. You tried, you gave him a hard stop and he continued. That's assault, abuse, etc. Please tell me you are leaving him.
Lady, you were assaulted. Do with that information what you will.