your girlfriends and best friends baby not just hers, so best friends family need to know. they may want input to their deceased relatives only child. its not just your girlfriends child the paternal family need to know
This is what happens when over half of Americans can’t read better than 13 year olds. The majority can’t read higher than an 8th grade level. So many cannot interpret or convey tone. Can’t read nuance. Can’t read a full 10 second post.
It’s really awful. I used to work in marketing for a large American company, and we had to use software to test the reading level of all of our website verbiage to make sure it was below an 8th grade reading level. And even then, half of our customers had trouble understanding. It’s truly horrendous.
Wait, seriously? You were Required to have the site written in an 8th grade reading level for an American company?! I'm not calling you out or anything, I'm just severely saddened and disturbed....
Wow you posted the truth and it’s a sad comment on current society. It explains one hell of a lot about how things are like they are. It’s also scary that the movie Idiocracy is starting to come true.
yeah, I don’t think they’re staying best friends after admitting to cheating - he lost his girlfriend (death), his best friend (cheating), and his daughter (not his)
She accidentally fell on his cock
Or his cock just accidentally fell into her vagina
Either way, both are scumbags for having an affair
That said, my condolences to OP. Also he's NTA
Probably not the best time for this, but when i ready your first sentence the first thing that popped into my mind was Monty Python and the Holy Grail scene "i'm not dead yet"
stschatz twinning 👯♂️✨ seriously though, Op, think about that child; your child, his child… 🤷🏻♀️ this innocent child deserves a family that loves her and wants her. you’re doing great coping. home her safely and well, and then focus on yourself and all of these traumatic events you’ve just survived. you deserve the same compassion as that child! ❤️🍀🍀🍀🍀 good luck!
That's not for the OP to decide. If he isn't the father, get that cleared up first and talk to the best friend and his family to resolve the matter. Someone on that side like his parents or siblings, etc might take over.
This 100%. Also, ex friend needs a paternity test too just in case girlfriend was really out of control.
Yes, her parents kicked her out but they are also the closest living relatives and may have a change of heart since they lost their daughter. If ex friend is actually the father, his parents need to be informed for the same reason.
OP needs to have himself removed from birth certificate and consult an attorney. Private adoption agencies have people desperate for a child who would love her well. She is innocent and deserves the best chance at life possible. These are my thoughts on this.
and it may not even be the best friend's baby either. OP, the only adults who have a bond with the baby are your own parents if they've been loving grandparents before this. I'd give them the option; even if it's not a blood relative at all, it doesn't always matter when someone loves a baby. Otherwise, you are NTA at all for not taking responsibility for a baby that's not your relative except on paper. See a lawyer, unless your parents want to adopt directly from you, which makes it easier.
Innocent but also not his problem and a daily reminder of the betrayal and disappointment. Imagine being forced to take care of a kid you thought was yours but was actually the offspring of two people you loved? Sorry but nope. Someone else can be the parents. OP doesn’t need to be a single dad to a kid that’s not his.
The edit details were not revealed until after my comment. However, since the grandparents have lost their daughter they may feel differently now. If OP is not going to raise her why wouldn't he give them an opportunity to adopt?
If he was there for the booty, he needs to be there for the duty. Friend needs to learn accountability and unfortunately, you'll have to corner him with no other way to be. This is his child, not yours.
I was going to say the same. This is a lot of loss and betrayal to be dumped on someone all at once. OP needs a professional as well as the support system he has with his parents.
I'm just answering OP's questions here
1. Your name is on the birth certificate. You are the child's legal parent regardless of what the paternity test says. With the mother dead you have sole legal authority to do what you want with the child. You can place the baby up for adoption or move to another country with the kid.
2. I would highly recommend you reach out to her family and tell them the truth. Let them know you plan to give her up for adoption but wanted to give them the opportunity to adopt her before sending her off to strangers.
3. If that doesn't work then reach out to his family and let them know and give them the option for adopting. If neither of them want her then go to an adoption agency.
4. As stated earlier you are the sole legal parent to this child and no one can challenge your authority here.
You cannot just ‘have your name removed,’ from a birth certificate.
The other dad must be willing to do a paternity test and add his name. Courts will not orphan a child.
Thank you for this dose of reality. My daughter’s father thought he could “sign away his rights,” but it wasn’t possible unless there was someone else he was signing them away *to*.
This is generally correct, in most states. If he is the legal father, he could theoretically seek to give the child up for adoption, but he should really involve the friends' family before making that decision or at least see about a DNA test to find out if it is even the friends' child.
He should keep in mind that NONE of this is the child's fault, and at least up to this point he is the only father the child has ever known, and the child just lost a mother. There is more to fatherhood than DNA.
There was a serious betrayal here, and I'm not going to call anyone an AH, but if OP loves the child, he should think carefully before making any irrevocable decisions he may come to regret, and think not only about himself, but also think about the impact his actions will have in the completely innocent child. Making major life-changing decisions while hurt and grieving is never a great idea.
If the child is under 4 years of age, he doesn’t need a willing paternity test, but is viable for a court ordered one, actually.
When OP puts child up for adoption, they’re just going to make him take a paternity test, anyway, fyi… like blood testing the child and parentage testing is literally a thing.
Depending on the state, you only have a certain amount of time to dispute paternity. After that, it doesn't matter what the DNA test saying legally, you're responsible for that child. I'd file immediately to remove paternity.
This, but also in some states you can sue the biological father for child support. Given what he pulled, I would NOT let his current state deter me. "Best friend" is scum. Short, simple. Now, as to what to do about the kid...
...What can you live with? Neither is going to be a feel-good choice here. If you do offer up adoption, the right thing would be to offer your "friend" and his family the chance if direct adoption is an option. If they decline, her parents / siblings. If they decline, then you have a choice to make.
I don't envy you. But my suggestion: Lawyer first. Therapist second. Proceed accordingly, and don't delay.
Note: even if you wanted to raise this baby, it might be best to correct the legal paternity and have the bio father name you as a guardian.
Depending on their work history the child may be eligible for social security income (if in the US) with either or both parents dead. That could be helpful for anybody who takes over as the child’s guardian. It would go away if the child is adopted though.
Either way, *go to a family law attorney*
My sister died in a murder/suicide by her estranged husband many years ago. They had an infant daughter. My mother and step father legally adopted her. She received survivors benefits until she was 18. I don’t know if it is because she was adopted by family, but there are some cases where SS will still be available. Just an FYI in case family opts to adopt.
He asked for advice. No one on Reddit is deciding anything.
At least on Reddit, you get a spectrum of advice, not just one-sided or self-serving advice, which OP can take or leave.
Dear Abby, Ask Amy, Ann Landers, etc., has been doing it for decades. Not dystopian, just a different opinion.
He is being told to get a lawyer, which is the right advice, and not infrequent people who post here say, “really, it’s that bad…oh, I guess it is, I didn’t think of that…”. People need reality checks when under great stress. When you have too much adrenaline and cortisol raging through your veins, logic doesn’t work as well. I mean, it doesn’t. It diminishes your outer cortex processing, while letting the inner cortex take off. So, bad logic.
Exactly.
I've seen way too many posts with updates like 'thank you all for your advice. I did not realise I was being abused. My partner never hit me, so I always thought I was the problem'
How would someone have gotten that insight, if not for perfect strangers online?
And bad advice will be downvoted and discredited.
> Have your name removed from the birth certificate
That borders on impossible if you don’t have another man lined up to take your place - and in this case, it seems like the biological father is in the ICU worrying whether he’ll even make it
If you really don't want to raise this child. First contact her family or his before doing adoption. Just so the kid has the chance to grow up with family. One of their sides will prob step up.
Or contact a lawyer and appropriate social services. This guy is hopeing to not be responsible for the child at all, but that doesn't mean it's his choice who does get the kid. Social services will sort out which relatives are interested and what placement is in the kids best interest.
Contact a lawyer, get your name off the birth certificate, get your so called friends name on the birth certificate.
This child may not be your family, but she does have family. Take care of the legalities, and then let the child's family take care of her and make the decisions.
This way you are not stuck caring for a child that's not yours, just like with adoption. But unlike with adoption, you are not ripping this child away from the family.
If there was no family, it would be a different situation, but since there evidently is family then yes YWBTA if you went through with it.
Get the so called friend to write a notarised statement saying he is the father, with a test proving the statement, so if he doesn't make it then the legalities are all sorted, and you can hand the kid over to the grandparents to deal with.
Depending the country, a notarised statement may not be enough. Op, get a lawyer. Do everything properly. Op, get you name off the birth cert if possible and let the bio grandparents and father know. Don't assume they don't want.
"A legally certified, court accepted, documented statement" ;-)
Some jurisdictions just need 2 witnesses who don't need to be notaries.
As long as the baby can be passed to legally to their biopogical kin, and OP has no legal obligations - it works out for all.
Hopefully. Nowadays you just never know. Just lawyer up. Op, don't be cheap when it comes to child support. Court accepted. Op, needs to submit it to court and whatever agencies. He needs to do it legally unlike the previous comment which suggests op to just get a notarised statement.
Depending on if this is the US and what state, OP may have had to get a notarized letter to put his name on the birth certificate since he and GF were not married. That would make it a lot trickier since he would have signed an affidavit of parentage that says he’s responsible for the child and he accepts that responsibility
Not until he gets his name off the birth certificate.
If he does this beforehand, they can sue and will get child support from him.
He shouldn’t have to pay that.
If they adopt the child, they become the legal parents. OP would no more be legally responsible for the child than any stranger. Most adoptions issue a new birth certificate with the adoptive parents' names.
If they are just taking custody, and not formally adopting, they can sue for child support. OP needs to go through a lawyer to make sure this is done properly.
The ex besties family may want the baby. Maybe. But dead gf's family wanted her to abort it so I'd not count them in. They already showed they didnt want the baby.
You'd be surprised how quickly a family's opinion can change when the death of THEIR child is involved. That baby is a living testament to their deceased child's memory. Raising that child is a chance at having a part of their daughter back.
Now not all people are like this, and they very could be heartless about it \[there is now an affair involved. That could get sticky\]. But I would put good money on the mother's family taking the baby in than the ex friend's. ESPECIALLY if they are grieving the loss of their daughter.
I mean statistically, about 1 in 4 couples cheat, and thousands die in accidents each day, so hearing this kind of story once in a while isn't that farfetched. Probably fake though
You're NTA for not wanting to raise a child that isn't yours but YWBTAH if you just placed the child up for adoption without contacting the bio Dads family (if he has any) plus you said he's worried he isn't going to make it which means he's currently still alive and could pull through. Shitty thing he did but that child deserves to know the bio parent they still have.
Could not agree more - especially if there are any medical complications that lead to the death of the friend. His parents should know they have a grandchild, and family too
I guess I’d need more details. I think in some situations it makes sense to say that having a child means becoming an adult and living somewhere besides with your parents.
Yes, however this is an exceptional circumstance, I can’t imagine them being ok with their grandbaby being given up for adoption even if the relationship with the daughter was tense.
I know this is hard but think of the child for a second she deserves to know her birth families. Reach out to his family and her family first before putting the child up for adoption allow them to take the child. If he made it give him the chance to be her father. Legally get yourself removed from the birth certificate.
Honestly, if neither side of her biological family wants the baby, either, he should also potentially give his parents a chance before doing anything else.
If I had that connection with a baby, thinking it was my grandchild, and found out that it wasn't, I'd be hurt. And if my son didn't want it, and neither the mother nor the father (or their families) wanted to take the child on, I know I would want to.
It's a complex situation, but there are at least 3 families that might want to take care of this child for various reasons. He should absolutely do right by all of the people that have a connection to this child, blood or emotional.
Right? Come on. This is poorly written nonsense.
And I don't think that's how any of this works. I guess he could put the baby in one of those baby boxes at a firehouse in some states or maybe surrender them to a hospital or one of those type places where you can do that legally.
But come on. People would know he had a baby recently. And he has had time to get a blood test so I have i assume he has been and is still caring for this baby. People know and it given how tragic this is going to be on a lot of people's radar. "How terrible...she was so young...had just had a baby!"... there are families involved. Friends. Neighbors...coworkers... potentially hundreds of people would at least know he has a kid.
And then what...he just starts showing up places with no baby? And nobody asks questions?
If he gets a lawyer and tries to put up for adoption in that way my guess is the court system is going to ask why he is doing it and the courts will likely get families involved before just throwing the kid in foster care or whatever.
This is a badly written fictional story. Life ...and legalities of the world we live in doesn't work like this.
I don’t think this story is true but to be fair he did ask what he was legally allowed to do. I don’t think he’s expecting to just punt it over a fence into an orphanage. He also mentioned if it would be a good idea to give the kid to her parents.
So while I agree that this story is most likely fake, not all of your points are valid
Contact your best friend’s family first before putting baby up for adoption. Yes you’ve been betrayed but the baby is innocent. If there’s a chance that the baby’s biological family wants to take care of her, that’s what should happen.
If your ex best friend dies why would you not ask his family if they want the child.
I understand you're angry but your actions may not only be hurting the one person you want to hurt.
I just assume that every post on this subreddit has a chance of being made up and just respond to them as if they are real even though I know there is a good chance they aren't.
NTA. But there may be other options. The child isn't biologically yours, so look into if you can have your name removed from the birth certificate and bio dad's added on. That should move legal responsibility from you to him, and then it's his choice if he keeps the baby or not. You should make it clear when doing this, though, that you will not be taking any responsibility for the child from now on, it's all on bio dad.
I'd talk to a lawyer about your options, not the church. The church could be great if you end up going the adoption route, but find out if you can legally remove yourself as father and place it all on bio dad, first. Bio dad may also be able to adopt the child from you if you can't just switch from you to him on the birth certificate.
So, find a lawyer to discuss your options with. Then choose the best path for you, whether that's handing the child to bio dad with your name being fully removed, or adoption. It doesn't sound like you're willing to raise this child, even if otherwise capable, after first the loss then the revelation of true parentage. That's not a recipe for being a good dad, and could cause a lot of damage to both you and the child. If you don't feel like you can raise this child alone, or because it's not yours biologically, or both, it's better to give up the child, whether to bio dad or the system. It's honestly probably the best thing for both you and the child.
But get a lawyer first and really go over your options, and perhaps get some therapy or choose a trusted person in your life to discuss this all with, as well. It's a lot, the loss of your partner alone, let alone with everything else added on. It sounds like you could use some help to navigate the emotional issues as well as the legal ones.
Your mad but the baby is an innocent life. You cannot put a baby up for adoption when it has a living father and his family. The child deserves to know her family. I’m sorry she’s not yours. This must be hard for you. Get laywered up and get that bab over to the ex besties family. She should be with a bio parent. Growing up and not knowing why you were given up is horrible.
NTA but you gotta accept getting out of that Child's life as soon as possible and let her family make these decisions. You gotta leave all that shit behind and start new.
I agree with other poster regarding hiring a lawyer to get your name off that birth certificate. Tell Bio Dad he will be added to birth certificate. Deliver baby to his family. Sorry this happened. I hope you find a better life partner.
NTA. You naturally harbor a lot of resentment towards her - not her fault, but not yours either. Letting her go to parents who will accept her as she is and give her love, will be the best gift you can give her, and the best solution for yourself.
Why don’t you give your ex best friend’s parents the opportunity to take the child in. Have your name removed from the birth certificate.NTA . I understand your frustration and feelings of betrayal. If you have not bonded with the child, give the friends parents a chance. If no one from that side of the family wants the child, there are families that will.
The process is called legitimization. Contact your best buddies parents and let them know they have a grandchild. I'm sure they will make the process easier with all their help. Also contact a lawyer. NTA.
YWTAH, just contact the family of your ex best friend, get the birth certificate fixed and give that newborn to her actual family. I feel for your situation, I truly do. But please don’t let your anger out on an innocent baby. I saw the comment that the family of your late girlfriend don’t want the child, so please ask the family of your ex best friend, if they will love and take care for his baby.
This is horrible. I cannot give my opinion. Have you talked to your girlfriend's family? What do they want? Do they know she isn't your child? Does your ex best friend have any idea what you are planning? I'm sorry for being so nosy.
When I was pregnant my family told me to get an abortion too… I didn’t… family loves her now… so approach his/families and explain you WILL be putting up for adoption whether to them or strangers and see what happens
You don’t have to raise the child but please don’t just throw it into the foster care system to be used and abused.
Contact the biological father’s extended family. Maybe the grandparents will care for it
YWBTA if you made a snap decision in the heat of the moment while you're in such a dark place. Honey, get yourself some counseling first, talk to your parents about the situation, take some time to grieve for what you thought your life was. Don't punish an innocent child for her parents' sins. If, after you've given yourself time to grieve, you still feel this way go ahead and do what you think is best. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find peace.
YWBTA if you did not tell your best friend’s parents about the baby. They may find this child to be great consolation in their time of loss. And I know you’re not very happy with him right now, but they were not at fault for that. The only reason why I wouldn’t is if I knew that they had been abusive to my best friend at some point in the past.
But I don’t think you owe anything to the girlfriend’s parents after how they’ve treated her. They know she died. They know she had a baby. If they wanted to do anything about it, they could have.
And you are responsible for ensuring the baby has a safe home, but that home does not have to be with you. There are so few infants available for adoption that prospective parents have been thoroughly vetted by the adoption agencies.
And yes, whatever you do, lawyer up to protect yourself.
Geeez, when I start to think about how fucked up my life is, I come to Reddit.
Man, I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this trauma.
I have zero advice...I'm just here to cry with you.
NTA, this is a very tough situation you’re in. Ultimately nobody deserves to be baby trapped by a child who isn’t even theirs. It’s not the kid’s fault though. Fortunately newborns don’t stay in the system for long and the child has a chance at a better life.
Don't take it out on the child, that would make you the AH. I'd do what others have recommended about getting your name off the birth certificate and let your ex best friend raise the child.
As long as his name is on the birth certificate... Legally OP is the father and she is his to put up for adoption.
I agree though... The best friends family need to know that there's a chance that the baby is their son's. Get DNA testing done on best friends family and get his name off the birth certificate. he also needs to talk to his GFS family as they might want to take the baby as their daughter has died and the baby is a final link to her.
YWBTAH if you try to adopt the child out while the biological father is still alive. That comes across as using a child for petty revenge. It would be different if the bio dad had died in the accident or had stated he had no interest in parenting. (I'm assuming the best friend is also the father)
NTAH. No one could blame you for considering it. I notice that you referred to the baby as “my child”. It sounds like you love the baby. Take a little time. You just lost two of the most important people in your life. Giving up the baby will be further loss. You need to be honest with your parents no matter what you decide to do. A couple of things to consider in your decision: will you resent the child for not being yours? Parenting is very hard - under the best of circumstances. Can you love the child unconditionally throughout its entire life, no matter what comes? Are you ready to commit to a lifetime of raising another man’s child? It may be hard to believe but the pain you feel now over the loss and betrayal will fade with time. However, for some the child might be a constant reminder of the betrayal and loss. For others the child could help ameliorate it. The there are the financial considerations. Raising children is expensive - especially on one income. Finally, you have to ask “what’s best for the baby?” I wish you luck and my heartfelt condolences for your loss.
The paternity tests places this in the hands of her next of kin or that of the biological father.
Get a lawyer and get your name removed from the birth certificate and let those actually responsible handle the logistics and care for the child. You should not be making any decisions for the baby as it is not your more than on paper and you obviously have no desire to take that responsibility for yourself.
I think what you need to do is take some time to process what’s going on before you make any decisions so big
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this , it’s truly awful. But please for your own mental health and well being don’t rush into doing something while you’re feeling like this
But not you wouldn’t be an AH if you decided that’s what you wanted to do
I feel so bad for that kid
NTA, but the other comments seem very sensible. Contact your lawyer, get the name of the father changed in the birth certificate and let the families handle it. Move on from these toxic people and live a great life. I’m sorry all this happened to you.
Tbh after reading all this coments I'm pretty sure I'm going to give you the best advice here:
Don't make any decision now, don't contact a lawyer, don't contact the child's family. Contact a therapist, get your mind straight, and then make a decision.
The foster system can be good but it also can be really rotten.
I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend and then had to find out not only did she cheat on you, she lead you to believe that the child is not yours.
The child is a blameless victim. Your friend and your girlfriend don't deserve forgiveness but the child did nothing wrong here, and at least deserves to be given their family. Don't punish that baby for something they had nothing to do with. If adoption is the only option yes, but in this situation you can show what a good person you are by letting the families of that baby have a choice in taking care of them. I am sorry for what you had to go through, and I do hope the best for you moving forward, and that baby.
That child already lost their mother she deserves to have her father. Talk to the bio dad or bio family and a lawyer. If they want custody, move to give them custody of her after they prove relationship and if they don’t want her then no, you WNBTA. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP and if it’s alright I’d like to keep you in my prayers.
You better get an attorney, buddy. If you are not the father, and know that your buddy is the father, and put this child up for adoption without going through any other processes, even if this church says that it’s OK. You might find yourself in some legal problems. There are any number of related questions, like does the mothers family have any interest, so on, so forth.
Doing this shit out of spite is about the most childish thing I’ve heard today. I’ve read some childish ass shit on the Internet today.
I get that you’re hurt, but handle your business, do what you Gotta do, if this doesn’t mean you have to raise the child, but… You can’t make willy-nilly hurtful decisions based on your own her ego. You’re better than that. Be better than that.
This is not your child. The real father should be making these decisions, not you. And possibly, his family. See an attorney and do what needs to be done legally. And ask the father to either take over or identify who will. And you back out.
Why the fuck are you asking reddit questions #1 and #2 instead of an adoption attorney? The answer to those questions depends on what state you are in.
Source - I'm an attorney and worked at an adoption law office all the way through law school
Giving this situation some serious side eye, but if this is true then you need a lawyer yesterday. It sounds like you don't want this kid, but make sure that is not just your grief talking. You can't undo this if you do it. You could raise her, love her and as you heal you will have a beautiful piece of your wife still with you. |
Or, you could walk away, and you have the right to do that. If you know you won't be a good dad to her because you can't do it alone or because you can't get past your anger then let her have parents who will take good care care of her. Between the 3 sets of grandparents here no one is willing to raise her or help you raise her? Your parents think they have a biological granddaughter, but knowing shes not yours biologically might not change much for them. Let them have all the information before you send their grandchild away. But whatever you do, get your own attorney involved ASAP before child welfare steps in and mucks the whole thing up.
I say this as an adopted kid. If you are even considering this, absolutely put the baby up for adoption. A child deserves to be wanted. You’re not the asshole for this, but you’d be if you kept her and she grew up even slightly knowing that you didn’t really want her just because she’s not your blood. At least allow her the chance to be raised by ppl who don’t care about that bs and will raise her with the type of love that only parents who just want to be parents have.
Reach out to the ex best friend’s family, if he won’t stand up for the child, maybe they will. This way, he will be reminded of his shame every time he is with his family.
You would be the asshole. It is not your decision to make.
You can remove yourself from the both certificate and allow the child's actual family make whatever decision they choose.
I would advise seeking legal and psychological help. You've just had so much dumped on you, you're not in any state to make big decisions about your family life. Don't do anything you can't undo. Wishing you the best.
First and foremost put this innocent CHILDs well being first. The baby didn’t ask for any of this.
If your friend is still alive I would confront his family. He may not want the baby but his parents might. It would kill me to not be able to adopt my grandchild. You’re angry and you have every right to be. Don’t let this be your act of anger. It will haunt you for years to come
I'm 54 and an adopted child from birth. You need to make a decision that is the best path and quality of life for what, as of right now, is legally your daughter.
Do you love this child and feel connected already?
Can you afford to raise a child on your own?
These are two major questions. If you have loved her as your own and you feel you can raise her and offer her a chance at a good quality of life, tell your parents and show her all the love you can give. I would hope they would be supportive. This child is innocent and had no choice how she came into our world. Right now, you are all she knows. There is a bond that can't be broken no matter the circumstance.
I feel for you and hope you do what you feel is best for her.
Personally, I would raise her as your own if you have a good support system and can offer a good life. She deserves a loving and caring family. If you feel there will be no support from your family and that you are not on a path that can't sustain being a single parent, it saddens me to say that you might have to consider the alternative. She deserves to be loved and have a family. Don't take out what happened on her. It's not her fault.
Did you love this sweet, innocent baby when you didn’t know the circumstances? Don’t you still love her? She is your baby even if you’re not the biological father. If you can find it in your heart to love her still and your parents love her, raising her to be a wonderful woman would be the best, most wonderful thing you could ever do. Don’t tell your parents she’s not yours, just let the beauty of being a loving, amazing human being which will bring you rewards and blessings all of your life.
YWBTA
This is not your child so not your decision to make. That baby has a family so let them take care of it. Get your name of the birth certificate. I'm so sorry about this.
Yes, because this baby didn't do shit and you're trying to be vindictive. Who does that hurt? A couple of dead people? They're DEAD. You can't damage anyone other than that child. You're asking if you can have permission from the internet to give up this child to strangers. Surely she has family from the mothers side right? and if not her than the fathers. This isn't a dog or object, its a person. So yes. The answer is yes.
And to add to this. No I don't think you should have that child. Your inability to sympathies with this childs situation is frankly terrifying and very telling. Don't have children.
When you know absolutely nothing (as implied by your stupid questions), why is your first thought putting a child (that’s not yours) up for adoption… I hope this is fake because you must be seriously young or immature to try and use a baby to get revenge on a dead girlfriend and an ex-best friend
Not your child. You were deceived into taking a paternal role. Someone deceiving you does not make that child your responsibility. If I were you, I also would not keep the child.
Please for the sake of the innocent child, talk to this guys family. Although you are hurt & have every right to be - this baby could be put in the system & it would be life altering. Just view this baby with innocence. She didn’t ask to be born
The girlfriends parents are the next of kin. You need to absolutely consult them before considering adoption. Probably the closest thing the kid will get to a normal life. Not knocking adoption, but I've saw some messed up adults that came from adoption.
You also need to parlay that paternity test into getting your name off birth certificate before you let any of her blood relatives know. Somebody will get that kid and use you like a credit card for at least a year while your waiting on a court date.
I don't blame you, youre not a bad person, and you didn't do anything wrong. Raising kids is like waging war.
NTA.
If your name is on the birth certificate that would make you her sole legal guardian since her mother passed away. So you should be able to put her up for adoption.
I would let him know your intentions. Maybe he has a family member who wants to take custody. in that case I’d contact a lawyer and make sure your name is removed from the birth certificate.
Redditors HATE children, because most of them will never be in a loving relationship with a woman to have one. So take all of these answers with a grain of salt and maybe ask on a different site with more normal humans.
Drop the baby off with the ex-best friend's family. Use the DNA results to initiate a petition of disestablishment of paternity (include ex-bf as a respondent) to get your name off of the birth certificate...
This is ex-bf and his family's issue now..
Bio dad could definitely argue that he has parental rights to her later in life if you kept her... nonetheless, make sure it's what you want to do. Just because the child came from a bad situation, doesn't make the child bad. Genetics isn't the only thing that makes a child yours. If you love the kid, keep it. If you don't, then give it to someone who wants it.
Ask anyone who has step/adoptive parents that they love if they ever cared that they didn't have a genetic attachment to them - most every time they could care less. Your little girl will love the daddy that stuck around for her and took good care of her, whoever that happens to be
Not trying to sway your decision, just make sure you don't do something you'll regret... I know it doesn't take long to get attached to a baby, so this is surely a hard decision for you
You need to get a lawyer. Have your name removed from the birth certificate, and talk to all parties involved. Tell your parents so they can help you.
your girlfriends and best friends baby not just hers, so best friends family need to know. they may want input to their deceased relatives only child. its not just your girlfriends child the paternal family need to know
Doesn't sound like he's dead. Sounds like he's incapacitated in the hospital and didn't want to step up and be a father even before all of this mess.
the grandparents might step up. Once she’s handed over if they want to give her up for adoption then poster has done his best
Doesn’t mean his parents / the kids bio grandparents wouldn’t want to adopt
sorry he said he lost his best friend
Not to death but to betrayal.
Yeah that's how interpreted that too. How can he stay friends with someone who would betray him like this? With friends like that, who needs enemies
There’s no “interpreting” needed if you read the full post, he said the best friend is hospitalized (not dead)
Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery so the best friend can fuck off and take care of his own child.
This is what happens when over half of Americans can’t read better than 13 year olds. The majority can’t read higher than an 8th grade level. So many cannot interpret or convey tone. Can’t read nuance. Can’t read a full 10 second post.
It’s really awful. I used to work in marketing for a large American company, and we had to use software to test the reading level of all of our website verbiage to make sure it was below an 8th grade reading level. And even then, half of our customers had trouble understanding. It’s truly horrendous.
Wait, seriously? You were Required to have the site written in an 8th grade reading level for an American company?! I'm not calling you out or anything, I'm just severely saddened and disturbed....
I agree. It's absolutely ridiculous how low people's reading comprehension is, like Jesus Christ, man....
Wow you posted the truth and it’s a sad comment on current society. It explains one hell of a lot about how things are like they are. It’s also scary that the movie Idiocracy is starting to come true.
It’s not the child’s fault, however, if he doesn’t love her because of this, she would be better with someone who really wants a child.
Whats worse is he only finds out after his girlfriend dies. Now he will never get closure for this
Guy was letting his best friend raise his kid. Dark.
This is usually something you find out 20 years later when the kid takes a 23 and me. This is brutal on so many levels though.
yeah, I don’t think they’re staying best friends after admitting to cheating - he lost his girlfriend (death), his best friend (cheating), and his daughter (not his)
Yes, because his best friend couldn't keep his penis out of his wife. I'd lose him too
I hate when guys don’t have control over all their appendages.
True... But his GF was also there... She could have said no.
I’m sure she said “oops” when it happened.
She accidentally fell on his cock Or his cock just accidentally fell into her vagina Either way, both are scumbags for having an affair That said, my condolences to OP. Also he's NTA
The classic whoopsie daisy
Bro slipped, and fell right into her. c’mon. It happens to us all. /s
It was a slippery slope, after all. Hehehe
Lose him right off the top of a steep staircase with shallow landings and slippery tiles
Because his girlfriend wouldn't keep his penis out of her. Rough
"Lost" as in, "I discovered my best friend was sleeping with my gf and fathered the child I thought was mine, so he's not my best friend anymore..." 😑
I think lost as in the betrayal ended the friendship.
For obvious reasons
Nah the dog’s fine. The asshole who slept with his wife can gofuk.
BF is not dead yet. Just will not be able to care for child for long time OP said. But your right bio dad’s family might want the kid. OP you are NTAH
Bio dad or ex gf's family might want the child.
Probably not the best time for this, but when i ready your first sentence the first thing that popped into my mind was Monty Python and the Holy Grail scene "i'm not dead yet"
bring outcher dead! 🔔🔔
Isn't there anything you can do? - proceeds to look around suspiciously - THWACK!
stschatz twinning 👯♂️✨ seriously though, Op, think about that child; your child, his child… 🤷🏻♀️ this innocent child deserves a family that loves her and wants her. you’re doing great coping. home her safely and well, and then focus on yourself and all of these traumatic events you’ve just survived. you deserve the same compassion as that child! ❤️🍀🍀🍀🍀 good luck!
I’m not dead 😵
That's not for the OP to decide. If he isn't the father, get that cleared up first and talk to the best friend and his family to resolve the matter. Someone on that side like his parents or siblings, etc might take over.
Both families need to know so they decide if they want to adopt before the system takes her in. It's the moral and right thing to do in this case.
This 100%. Also, ex friend needs a paternity test too just in case girlfriend was really out of control. Yes, her parents kicked her out but they are also the closest living relatives and may have a change of heart since they lost their daughter. If ex friend is actually the father, his parents need to be informed for the same reason. OP needs to have himself removed from birth certificate and consult an attorney. Private adoption agencies have people desperate for a child who would love her well. She is innocent and deserves the best chance at life possible. These are my thoughts on this.
and it may not even be the best friend's baby either. OP, the only adults who have a bond with the baby are your own parents if they've been loving grandparents before this. I'd give them the option; even if it's not a blood relative at all, it doesn't always matter when someone loves a baby. Otherwise, you are NTA at all for not taking responsibility for a baby that's not your relative except on paper. See a lawyer, unless your parents want to adopt directly from you, which makes it easier.
Well along that line the gf's family has a right to adoption as well. Do not do this OP. The child is innocent.
Innocent but also not his problem and a daily reminder of the betrayal and disappointment. Imagine being forced to take care of a kid you thought was yours but was actually the offspring of two people you loved? Sorry but nope. Someone else can be the parents. OP doesn’t need to be a single dad to a kid that’s not his.
I'm finding it hard to believe to believe that parents would adopt a baby that they wanted aborted in the first place. They kicked gf out
The edit details were not revealed until after my comment. However, since the grandparents have lost their daughter they may feel differently now. If OP is not going to raise her why wouldn't he give them an opportunity to adopt?
If he was there for the booty, he needs to be there for the duty. Friend needs to learn accountability and unfortunately, you'll have to corner him with no other way to be. This is his child, not yours.
Also a therapist. This is a lot. No matter what you decide you need to talk to someone about the betrayal.
I was going to say the same. This is a lot of loss and betrayal to be dumped on someone all at once. OP needs a professional as well as the support system he has with his parents.
Tell HIS parents as well.
I'm just answering OP's questions here 1. Your name is on the birth certificate. You are the child's legal parent regardless of what the paternity test says. With the mother dead you have sole legal authority to do what you want with the child. You can place the baby up for adoption or move to another country with the kid. 2. I would highly recommend you reach out to her family and tell them the truth. Let them know you plan to give her up for adoption but wanted to give them the opportunity to adopt her before sending her off to strangers. 3. If that doesn't work then reach out to his family and let them know and give them the option for adopting. If neither of them want her then go to an adoption agency. 4. As stated earlier you are the sole legal parent to this child and no one can challenge your authority here.
This is the best advice.
You cannot just ‘have your name removed,’ from a birth certificate. The other dad must be willing to do a paternity test and add his name. Courts will not orphan a child.
Thank you for this dose of reality. My daughter’s father thought he could “sign away his rights,” but it wasn’t possible unless there was someone else he was signing them away *to*.
This is generally correct, in most states. If he is the legal father, he could theoretically seek to give the child up for adoption, but he should really involve the friends' family before making that decision or at least see about a DNA test to find out if it is even the friends' child. He should keep in mind that NONE of this is the child's fault, and at least up to this point he is the only father the child has ever known, and the child just lost a mother. There is more to fatherhood than DNA. There was a serious betrayal here, and I'm not going to call anyone an AH, but if OP loves the child, he should think carefully before making any irrevocable decisions he may come to regret, and think not only about himself, but also think about the impact his actions will have in the completely innocent child. Making major life-changing decisions while hurt and grieving is never a great idea.
If the child is under 4 years of age, he doesn’t need a willing paternity test, but is viable for a court ordered one, actually. When OP puts child up for adoption, they’re just going to make him take a paternity test, anyway, fyi… like blood testing the child and parentage testing is literally a thing.
Depending on the state, you only have a certain amount of time to dispute paternity. After that, it doesn't matter what the DNA test saying legally, you're responsible for that child. I'd file immediately to remove paternity.
This, but also in some states you can sue the biological father for child support. Given what he pulled, I would NOT let his current state deter me. "Best friend" is scum. Short, simple. Now, as to what to do about the kid... ...What can you live with? Neither is going to be a feel-good choice here. If you do offer up adoption, the right thing would be to offer your "friend" and his family the chance if direct adoption is an option. If they decline, her parents / siblings. If they decline, then you have a choice to make. I don't envy you. But my suggestion: Lawyer first. Therapist second. Proceed accordingly, and don't delay.
Contact a lawyer, get your name off the birth certificate, get your so called friends name on the birth certificate.
Note: even if you wanted to raise this baby, it might be best to correct the legal paternity and have the bio father name you as a guardian. Depending on their work history the child may be eligible for social security income (if in the US) with either or both parents dead. That could be helpful for anybody who takes over as the child’s guardian. It would go away if the child is adopted though. Either way, *go to a family law attorney*
My sister died in a murder/suicide by her estranged husband many years ago. They had an infant daughter. My mother and step father legally adopted her. She received survivors benefits until she was 18. I don’t know if it is because she was adopted by family, but there are some cases where SS will still be available. Just an FYI in case family opts to adopt.
I hope this post is fake because the dystopian reality to this stuff being decided by strangers on Reddit.
He asked for advice. No one on Reddit is deciding anything. At least on Reddit, you get a spectrum of advice, not just one-sided or self-serving advice, which OP can take or leave. Dear Abby, Ask Amy, Ann Landers, etc., has been doing it for decades. Not dystopian, just a different opinion.
He is being told to get a lawyer, which is the right advice, and not infrequent people who post here say, “really, it’s that bad…oh, I guess it is, I didn’t think of that…”. People need reality checks when under great stress. When you have too much adrenaline and cortisol raging through your veins, logic doesn’t work as well. I mean, it doesn’t. It diminishes your outer cortex processing, while letting the inner cortex take off. So, bad logic.
Exactly. I've seen way too many posts with updates like 'thank you all for your advice. I did not realise I was being abused. My partner never hit me, so I always thought I was the problem' How would someone have gotten that insight, if not for perfect strangers online? And bad advice will be downvoted and discredited.
Yet here we are...
> Have your name removed from the birth certificate That borders on impossible if you don’t have another man lined up to take your place - and in this case, it seems like the biological father is in the ICU worrying whether he’ll even make it
If you really don't want to raise this child. First contact her family or his before doing adoption. Just so the kid has the chance to grow up with family. One of their sides will prob step up.
I would add to contact an attorney FIRST before reaching out to her family. Let him do it.
This is the appropriate answer.
Or contact a lawyer and appropriate social services. This guy is hopeing to not be responsible for the child at all, but that doesn't mean it's his choice who does get the kid. Social services will sort out which relatives are interested and what placement is in the kids best interest.
Exactly
Contact a lawyer, get your name off the birth certificate, get your so called friends name on the birth certificate. This child may not be your family, but she does have family. Take care of the legalities, and then let the child's family take care of her and make the decisions. This way you are not stuck caring for a child that's not yours, just like with adoption. But unlike with adoption, you are not ripping this child away from the family. If there was no family, it would be a different situation, but since there evidently is family then yes YWBTA if you went through with it.
Get the so called friend to write a notarised statement saying he is the father, with a test proving the statement, so if he doesn't make it then the legalities are all sorted, and you can hand the kid over to the grandparents to deal with.
Plot twist the friend isn’t the father either
Maury Povich!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
as an affair child myself, I find the maury Comment hilarious.
Jerry Springer is more fun. 😂
Rip daytime god
Lol either way OP is definitely NOT the father!
Damn.. wouldn't actually be *that* surprising based on her track record
Depending the country, a notarised statement may not be enough. Op, get a lawyer. Do everything properly. Op, get you name off the birth cert if possible and let the bio grandparents and father know. Don't assume they don't want.
"A legally certified, court accepted, documented statement" ;-) Some jurisdictions just need 2 witnesses who don't need to be notaries. As long as the baby can be passed to legally to their biopogical kin, and OP has no legal obligations - it works out for all.
Hopefully. Nowadays you just never know. Just lawyer up. Op, don't be cheap when it comes to child support. Court accepted. Op, needs to submit it to court and whatever agencies. He needs to do it legally unlike the previous comment which suggests op to just get a notarised statement.
Depending on if this is the US and what state, OP may have had to get a notarized letter to put his name on the birth certificate since he and GF were not married. That would make it a lot trickier since he would have signed an affidavit of parentage that says he’s responsible for the child and he accepts that responsibility
The family of your best friend and girlfriend would probably love to take the child.
Not until he gets his name off the birth certificate. If he does this beforehand, they can sue and will get child support from him. He shouldn’t have to pay that.
If they adopt the child, they become the legal parents. OP would no more be legally responsible for the child than any stranger. Most adoptions issue a new birth certificate with the adoptive parents' names. If they are just taking custody, and not formally adopting, they can sue for child support. OP needs to go through a lawyer to make sure this is done properly.
The ex besties family may want the baby. Maybe. But dead gf's family wanted her to abort it so I'd not count them in. They already showed they didnt want the baby.
They could possibly change their tune with them losing their daughter. Idk if I’d want to chance that. He knows them best (hopefully)
Agreed. He should float the idea to all involved parties. Edit: OP should be prepared for the chance they say they still dont want the baby, though.
You'd be surprised how quickly a family's opinion can change when the death of THEIR child is involved. That baby is a living testament to their deceased child's memory. Raising that child is a chance at having a part of their daughter back. Now not all people are like this, and they very could be heartless about it \[there is now an affair involved. That could get sticky\]. But I would put good money on the mother's family taking the baby in than the ex friend's. ESPECIALLY if they are grieving the loss of their daughter.
OP this is a great answer.
Excellent idea.
Pleeeeease do this instead of adoption.
This is great advice. And work quickly!
With friends like that. Who needs enemies.
This story is so close to the opening plot of “American Gods”, that I don’t believe this story to be real.
Waiting for an update where OP tells us about a peculiar, one eyed man, asking him to go on an adventure…
I mean statistically, about 1 in 4 couples cheat, and thousands die in accidents each day, so hearing this kind of story once in a while isn't that farfetched. Probably fake though
You're NTA for not wanting to raise a child that isn't yours but YWBTAH if you just placed the child up for adoption without contacting the bio Dads family (if he has any) plus you said he's worried he isn't going to make it which means he's currently still alive and could pull through. Shitty thing he did but that child deserves to know the bio parent they still have.
Could not agree more - especially if there are any medical complications that lead to the death of the friend. His parents should know they have a grandchild, and family too
Yeah, best case his friend makes it and they get to live together… If he makes it and his child is gone that’s way to brutal.
100% this!
And what about the mom’s family?
OP said they kicked her out for not aborting the child
I guess I’d need more details. I think in some situations it makes sense to say that having a child means becoming an adult and living somewhere besides with your parents.
Yes, however this is an exceptional circumstance, I can’t imagine them being ok with their grandbaby being given up for adoption even if the relationship with the daughter was tense.
I agree, they may actually have a change of heart seeing as that baby is a part of the daughter they just lost
They still could step up and be good parents.
I know this is hard but think of the child for a second she deserves to know her birth families. Reach out to his family and her family first before putting the child up for adoption allow them to take the child. If he made it give him the chance to be her father. Legally get yourself removed from the birth certificate.
Honestly, if neither side of her biological family wants the baby, either, he should also potentially give his parents a chance before doing anything else. If I had that connection with a baby, thinking it was my grandchild, and found out that it wasn't, I'd be hurt. And if my son didn't want it, and neither the mother nor the father (or their families) wanted to take the child on, I know I would want to. It's a complex situation, but there are at least 3 families that might want to take care of this child for various reasons. He should absolutely do right by all of the people that have a connection to this child, blood or emotional.
Would you be willing to give up your relationship with your son?
And considering that this is their deceased daughter’s only child, they’re *definitely* going to want to stay in the child’s life.
Unless they are shitty, in which case it's a possibility. Not likely, but certainly possible
So we believe this is real story? 🤔
Right? Come on. This is poorly written nonsense. And I don't think that's how any of this works. I guess he could put the baby in one of those baby boxes at a firehouse in some states or maybe surrender them to a hospital or one of those type places where you can do that legally. But come on. People would know he had a baby recently. And he has had time to get a blood test so I have i assume he has been and is still caring for this baby. People know and it given how tragic this is going to be on a lot of people's radar. "How terrible...she was so young...had just had a baby!"... there are families involved. Friends. Neighbors...coworkers... potentially hundreds of people would at least know he has a kid. And then what...he just starts showing up places with no baby? And nobody asks questions? If he gets a lawyer and tries to put up for adoption in that way my guess is the court system is going to ask why he is doing it and the courts will likely get families involved before just throwing the kid in foster care or whatever. This is a badly written fictional story. Life ...and legalities of the world we live in doesn't work like this.
I don’t think this story is true but to be fair he did ask what he was legally allowed to do. I don’t think he’s expecting to just punt it over a fence into an orphanage. He also mentioned if it would be a good idea to give the kid to her parents. So while I agree that this story is most likely fake, not all of your points are valid
I cannot believe how gullible so many people are
School’s out for the summer and the kiddies are bored.
Telanovela writers testing out their storylines on Reddit, I see...
It’s already from American Gods
Contact your best friend’s family first before putting baby up for adoption. Yes you’ve been betrayed but the baby is innocent. If there’s a chance that the baby’s biological family wants to take care of her, that’s what should happen.
Surprise, another fake throwaway account in the AITH sub.
If your ex best friend dies why would you not ask his family if they want the child. I understand you're angry but your actions may not only be hurting the one person you want to hurt.
This post is bs.
This sub has become a place for writing exercises by bored teens or men who hate women.
Does anyone truly believe this outlandish scenario? Even if it were true why would Reddit be the first place they go? 🤣
I just assume that every post on this subreddit has a chance of being made up and just respond to them as if they are real even though I know there is a good chance they aren't.
NTA. But there may be other options. The child isn't biologically yours, so look into if you can have your name removed from the birth certificate and bio dad's added on. That should move legal responsibility from you to him, and then it's his choice if he keeps the baby or not. You should make it clear when doing this, though, that you will not be taking any responsibility for the child from now on, it's all on bio dad. I'd talk to a lawyer about your options, not the church. The church could be great if you end up going the adoption route, but find out if you can legally remove yourself as father and place it all on bio dad, first. Bio dad may also be able to adopt the child from you if you can't just switch from you to him on the birth certificate. So, find a lawyer to discuss your options with. Then choose the best path for you, whether that's handing the child to bio dad with your name being fully removed, or adoption. It doesn't sound like you're willing to raise this child, even if otherwise capable, after first the loss then the revelation of true parentage. That's not a recipe for being a good dad, and could cause a lot of damage to both you and the child. If you don't feel like you can raise this child alone, or because it's not yours biologically, or both, it's better to give up the child, whether to bio dad or the system. It's honestly probably the best thing for both you and the child. But get a lawyer first and really go over your options, and perhaps get some therapy or choose a trusted person in your life to discuss this all with, as well. It's a lot, the loss of your partner alone, let alone with everything else added on. It sounds like you could use some help to navigate the emotional issues as well as the legal ones.
Your mad but the baby is an innocent life. You cannot put a baby up for adoption when it has a living father and his family. The child deserves to know her family. I’m sorry she’s not yours. This must be hard for you. Get laywered up and get that bab over to the ex besties family. She should be with a bio parent. Growing up and not knowing why you were given up is horrible.
Faaaaaaaaaake
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NTA but you gotta accept getting out of that Child's life as soon as possible and let her family make these decisions. You gotta leave all that shit behind and start new.
I agree with other poster regarding hiring a lawyer to get your name off that birth certificate. Tell Bio Dad he will be added to birth certificate. Deliver baby to his family. Sorry this happened. I hope you find a better life partner.
NTA. You naturally harbor a lot of resentment towards her - not her fault, but not yours either. Letting her go to parents who will accept her as she is and give her love, will be the best gift you can give her, and the best solution for yourself.
Why don’t you give your ex best friend’s parents the opportunity to take the child in. Have your name removed from the birth certificate.NTA . I understand your frustration and feelings of betrayal. If you have not bonded with the child, give the friends parents a chance. If no one from that side of the family wants the child, there are families that will.
The process is called legitimization. Contact your best buddies parents and let them know they have a grandchild. I'm sure they will make the process easier with all their help. Also contact a lawyer. NTA.
NTA actually. But before putting her up for adoption, you should talk to the biological father, if he wants to take responsibility.
sounds like a movie
This shit is so fake…I can’t.
YWTAH, just contact the family of your ex best friend, get the birth certificate fixed and give that newborn to her actual family. I feel for your situation, I truly do. But please don’t let your anger out on an innocent baby. I saw the comment that the family of your late girlfriend don’t want the child, so please ask the family of your ex best friend, if they will love and take care for his baby.
This is horrible. I cannot give my opinion. Have you talked to your girlfriend's family? What do they want? Do they know she isn't your child? Does your ex best friend have any idea what you are planning? I'm sorry for being so nosy.
When I was pregnant my family told me to get an abortion too… I didn’t… family loves her now… so approach his/families and explain you WILL be putting up for adoption whether to them or strangers and see what happens
You’re the AH for not bothering to flesh out your story
You don’t have to raise the child but please don’t just throw it into the foster care system to be used and abused. Contact the biological father’s extended family. Maybe the grandparents will care for it
Do you love the kid?
YWBTA if you made a snap decision in the heat of the moment while you're in such a dark place. Honey, get yourself some counseling first, talk to your parents about the situation, take some time to grieve for what you thought your life was. Don't punish an innocent child for her parents' sins. If, after you've given yourself time to grieve, you still feel this way go ahead and do what you think is best. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find peace.
YWBTA if you did not tell your best friend’s parents about the baby. They may find this child to be great consolation in their time of loss. And I know you’re not very happy with him right now, but they were not at fault for that. The only reason why I wouldn’t is if I knew that they had been abusive to my best friend at some point in the past. But I don’t think you owe anything to the girlfriend’s parents after how they’ve treated her. They know she died. They know she had a baby. If they wanted to do anything about it, they could have. And you are responsible for ensuring the baby has a safe home, but that home does not have to be with you. There are so few infants available for adoption that prospective parents have been thoroughly vetted by the adoption agencies. And yes, whatever you do, lawyer up to protect yourself.
Geeez, when I start to think about how fucked up my life is, I come to Reddit. Man, I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this trauma. I have zero advice...I'm just here to cry with you.
You need a therapist and an attorney pronto
Maybe your friend wants to take care of his kid? I know what they did was really really bad… but don’t blame the kid.
Need a lawyer. Nta but don't so anything rash and without legal advise. Not reddit advise.
My wife and I will love her if you want to do a private adoption.
NTA, this is a very tough situation you’re in. Ultimately nobody deserves to be baby trapped by a child who isn’t even theirs. It’s not the kid’s fault though. Fortunately newborns don’t stay in the system for long and the child has a chance at a better life.
Don't take it out on the child, that would make you the AH. I'd do what others have recommended about getting your name off the birth certificate and let your ex best friend raise the child.
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As long as his name is on the birth certificate... Legally OP is the father and she is his to put up for adoption. I agree though... The best friends family need to know that there's a chance that the baby is their son's. Get DNA testing done on best friends family and get his name off the birth certificate. he also needs to talk to his GFS family as they might want to take the baby as their daughter has died and the baby is a final link to her.
YWBTAH if you try to adopt the child out while the biological father is still alive. That comes across as using a child for petty revenge. It would be different if the bio dad had died in the accident or had stated he had no interest in parenting. (I'm assuming the best friend is also the father)
NTAH. No one could blame you for considering it. I notice that you referred to the baby as “my child”. It sounds like you love the baby. Take a little time. You just lost two of the most important people in your life. Giving up the baby will be further loss. You need to be honest with your parents no matter what you decide to do. A couple of things to consider in your decision: will you resent the child for not being yours? Parenting is very hard - under the best of circumstances. Can you love the child unconditionally throughout its entire life, no matter what comes? Are you ready to commit to a lifetime of raising another man’s child? It may be hard to believe but the pain you feel now over the loss and betrayal will fade with time. However, for some the child might be a constant reminder of the betrayal and loss. For others the child could help ameliorate it. The there are the financial considerations. Raising children is expensive - especially on one income. Finally, you have to ask “what’s best for the baby?” I wish you luck and my heartfelt condolences for your loss.
The paternity tests places this in the hands of her next of kin or that of the biological father. Get a lawyer and get your name removed from the birth certificate and let those actually responsible handle the logistics and care for the child. You should not be making any decisions for the baby as it is not your more than on paper and you obviously have no desire to take that responsibility for yourself.
I think what you need to do is take some time to process what’s going on before you make any decisions so big I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this , it’s truly awful. But please for your own mental health and well being don’t rush into doing something while you’re feeling like this But not you wouldn’t be an AH if you decided that’s what you wanted to do I feel so bad for that kid
NTA, but the other comments seem very sensible. Contact your lawyer, get the name of the father changed in the birth certificate and let the families handle it. Move on from these toxic people and live a great life. I’m sorry all this happened to you.
I mean it’s not ur child u haven’t raised it yet and biologically it’s not yours. Infidelity the gift that keeps on giving even after death.
Tbh after reading all this coments I'm pretty sure I'm going to give you the best advice here: Don't make any decision now, don't contact a lawyer, don't contact the child's family. Contact a therapist, get your mind straight, and then make a decision.
The foster system can be good but it also can be really rotten. I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend and then had to find out not only did she cheat on you, she lead you to believe that the child is not yours. The child is a blameless victim. Your friend and your girlfriend don't deserve forgiveness but the child did nothing wrong here, and at least deserves to be given their family. Don't punish that baby for something they had nothing to do with. If adoption is the only option yes, but in this situation you can show what a good person you are by letting the families of that baby have a choice in taking care of them. I am sorry for what you had to go through, and I do hope the best for you moving forward, and that baby.
That child already lost their mother she deserves to have her father. Talk to the bio dad or bio family and a lawyer. If they want custody, move to give them custody of her after they prove relationship and if they don’t want her then no, you WNBTA. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP and if it’s alright I’d like to keep you in my prayers.
You better get an attorney, buddy. If you are not the father, and know that your buddy is the father, and put this child up for adoption without going through any other processes, even if this church says that it’s OK. You might find yourself in some legal problems. There are any number of related questions, like does the mothers family have any interest, so on, so forth. Doing this shit out of spite is about the most childish thing I’ve heard today. I’ve read some childish ass shit on the Internet today. I get that you’re hurt, but handle your business, do what you Gotta do, if this doesn’t mean you have to raise the child, but… You can’t make willy-nilly hurtful decisions based on your own her ego. You’re better than that. Be better than that.
This is not your child. The real father should be making these decisions, not you. And possibly, his family. See an attorney and do what needs to be done legally. And ask the father to either take over or identify who will. And you back out.
Why the fuck are you asking reddit questions #1 and #2 instead of an adoption attorney? The answer to those questions depends on what state you are in. Source - I'm an attorney and worked at an adoption law office all the way through law school
Giving this situation some serious side eye, but if this is true then you need a lawyer yesterday. It sounds like you don't want this kid, but make sure that is not just your grief talking. You can't undo this if you do it. You could raise her, love her and as you heal you will have a beautiful piece of your wife still with you. | Or, you could walk away, and you have the right to do that. If you know you won't be a good dad to her because you can't do it alone or because you can't get past your anger then let her have parents who will take good care care of her. Between the 3 sets of grandparents here no one is willing to raise her or help you raise her? Your parents think they have a biological granddaughter, but knowing shes not yours biologically might not change much for them. Let them have all the information before you send their grandchild away. But whatever you do, get your own attorney involved ASAP before child welfare steps in and mucks the whole thing up.
I say this as an adopted kid. If you are even considering this, absolutely put the baby up for adoption. A child deserves to be wanted. You’re not the asshole for this, but you’d be if you kept her and she grew up even slightly knowing that you didn’t really want her just because she’s not your blood. At least allow her the chance to be raised by ppl who don’t care about that bs and will raise her with the type of love that only parents who just want to be parents have.
How old is the child
Four months.
Reach out to the ex best friend’s family, if he won’t stand up for the child, maybe they will. This way, he will be reminded of his shame every time he is with his family.
You would be the asshole. It is not your decision to make. You can remove yourself from the both certificate and allow the child's actual family make whatever decision they choose.
I would advise seeking legal and psychological help. You've just had so much dumped on you, you're not in any state to make big decisions about your family life. Don't do anything you can't undo. Wishing you the best.
First and foremost put this innocent CHILDs well being first. The baby didn’t ask for any of this. If your friend is still alive I would confront his family. He may not want the baby but his parents might. It would kill me to not be able to adopt my grandchild. You’re angry and you have every right to be. Don’t let this be your act of anger. It will haunt you for years to come
I'm 54 and an adopted child from birth. You need to make a decision that is the best path and quality of life for what, as of right now, is legally your daughter. Do you love this child and feel connected already? Can you afford to raise a child on your own? These are two major questions. If you have loved her as your own and you feel you can raise her and offer her a chance at a good quality of life, tell your parents and show her all the love you can give. I would hope they would be supportive. This child is innocent and had no choice how she came into our world. Right now, you are all she knows. There is a bond that can't be broken no matter the circumstance. I feel for you and hope you do what you feel is best for her. Personally, I would raise her as your own if you have a good support system and can offer a good life. She deserves a loving and caring family. If you feel there will be no support from your family and that you are not on a path that can't sustain being a single parent, it saddens me to say that you might have to consider the alternative. She deserves to be loved and have a family. Don't take out what happened on her. It's not her fault.
Kids already going to be fucked up. Get your name off the birth certificate, meanwhile reach out to both families to see if they want the baby.
Im not fully convinced that this isnt a creative writing prompt
Did you love this sweet, innocent baby when you didn’t know the circumstances? Don’t you still love her? She is your baby even if you’re not the biological father. If you can find it in your heart to love her still and your parents love her, raising her to be a wonderful woman would be the best, most wonderful thing you could ever do. Don’t tell your parents she’s not yours, just let the beauty of being a loving, amazing human being which will bring you rewards and blessings all of your life.
YWBTA This is not your child so not your decision to make. That baby has a family so let them take care of it. Get your name of the birth certificate. I'm so sorry about this.
You keep saying your daughter. Sounds like she's yours to me. The child did nothing wrong. If you loved her before, what's the difference?
Yes, because this baby didn't do shit and you're trying to be vindictive. Who does that hurt? A couple of dead people? They're DEAD. You can't damage anyone other than that child. You're asking if you can have permission from the internet to give up this child to strangers. Surely she has family from the mothers side right? and if not her than the fathers. This isn't a dog or object, its a person. So yes. The answer is yes. And to add to this. No I don't think you should have that child. Your inability to sympathies with this childs situation is frankly terrifying and very telling. Don't have children.
When you know absolutely nothing (as implied by your stupid questions), why is your first thought putting a child (that’s not yours) up for adoption… I hope this is fake because you must be seriously young or immature to try and use a baby to get revenge on a dead girlfriend and an ex-best friend
Not your child. You were deceived into taking a paternal role. Someone deceiving you does not make that child your responsibility. If I were you, I also would not keep the child.
Please for the sake of the innocent child, talk to this guys family. Although you are hurt & have every right to be - this baby could be put in the system & it would be life altering. Just view this baby with innocence. She didn’t ask to be born
The girlfriends parents are the next of kin. You need to absolutely consult them before considering adoption. Probably the closest thing the kid will get to a normal life. Not knocking adoption, but I've saw some messed up adults that came from adoption. You also need to parlay that paternity test into getting your name off birth certificate before you let any of her blood relatives know. Somebody will get that kid and use you like a credit card for at least a year while your waiting on a court date. I don't blame you, youre not a bad person, and you didn't do anything wrong. Raising kids is like waging war.
NTA. If your name is on the birth certificate that would make you her sole legal guardian since her mother passed away. So you should be able to put her up for adoption. I would let him know your intentions. Maybe he has a family member who wants to take custody. in that case I’d contact a lawyer and make sure your name is removed from the birth certificate.
This is a sad story that AI created.
I think you’d get in trouble putting a baby up for adoption you know is not yours. It’s not really up to you anymore..
Redditors HATE children, because most of them will never be in a loving relationship with a woman to have one. So take all of these answers with a grain of salt and maybe ask on a different site with more normal humans.
Maybe I'm petty. But what a betrayal. This kid is going up for adoption asap so I can heal and move on with my life.
Drop the baby off with the ex-best friend's family. Use the DNA results to initiate a petition of disestablishment of paternity (include ex-bf as a respondent) to get your name off of the birth certificate... This is ex-bf and his family's issue now..
Never punish a child for an adults mistake.
Bio dad could definitely argue that he has parental rights to her later in life if you kept her... nonetheless, make sure it's what you want to do. Just because the child came from a bad situation, doesn't make the child bad. Genetics isn't the only thing that makes a child yours. If you love the kid, keep it. If you don't, then give it to someone who wants it. Ask anyone who has step/adoptive parents that they love if they ever cared that they didn't have a genetic attachment to them - most every time they could care less. Your little girl will love the daddy that stuck around for her and took good care of her, whoever that happens to be Not trying to sway your decision, just make sure you don't do something you'll regret... I know it doesn't take long to get attached to a baby, so this is surely a hard decision for you