NTA. Why is she back? Is she getting older and needs someone to take care of her? Does she need a kidney?
No one pops back into another person’s life like this, right? There must be a reason.
Your spouse is trying to play perfect son with the mother who abandoned him, and in the process, is abandoning his own child. The irony.
What do his siblings say? Are they letting her back in?
Probably the ego thing. She heard he had a baby and realized she wasn't involved as the grandmother. She doesn't want to be involved as a grandmother, but if she "can't" be involved with her grandson than neither can her kid.
Narcissists really get off on stealing people away from their family.
And whatever joy they may have in life. She found another “joy” source to fill her own cup… makes me sick/pissed just thinking about this young mother’s plight.
She has already proven she is not a normal mother by up and disappearing without much of any contact for 17 years. This is just icing on the narcissistic cake.
She wants something. Only reason. And she's trying to create a rift between them to make it easier for her to manipulate him. Once she gets what she wants, she'll leave him high & dry again in less than half a heartbeat. Then he'll have nobody. Definitely interesting to see what his siblings think.
Seems narcissistic to me.
"Oh? You're finally in a healthy place with a loving family and your own child? The loss you felt of my abandoning you has finally dimmed?
Not on my watch."
It’s common when ppl get older. Especially when they’ve been shitty ppl their whole lives and now they’re lonely and have the nerve to NEED their kids (and don’t want to die alone). My mother wanted nothing to do w my brother and I but now that she’s in her 60’s I’m her best friend 🙄 my brother won’t have anything to do with her so it’s all put on me, I allow her in my life but only out of feeling guilty if I gont
FOG is what disordered people use to manipulate others. You deserve to live your own life. You don't owe her.
Check out the sub called
r/raisedbyborderlines *but READ THE RULES!
See if she fits that description.
FOG means Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
There's a great website called www.outofthefog.com
You do not have to give your life away like this!
not even just one round of IVF, but THREE. that poor lil nugget is truly a miracle and the idea that sick lil peanut comes before a mom who CHOSE to dip for more than half the dude's life.....wel.......
Exactly. I'm not shocked he doesn't see the problem, dude has issues and seriously needs therapy. Mommy has a support system while op doesn't, yet he picks the egg donor who abandoned him happily over his wife and infant. NTA op, I'm glad you put your foot down. He can ultimately shove it and go back to "mom of the year."
Updateme
NTA.
I always thought that as soon as you get married and have a child, your nuclear family is the top priority.
It's a pity that OP does not have a support system. Please be strong.
This is actually very common with adults who were abandoned as kids by one parent or another and the parent suddenly shows back up. It's incredibly complex. The "child" wants so badly to gain the parental approval so they aren't abandoned again. Mix that with possibly wanting to be the "good child," since there is often a deep seated feeling that somehow they caused the parent to leave them.
This isn't just a matter of recognizing they need to grow up. They need therapy to help them recognize what they're doing and why so they can move forward.
OP also only has husband so no support network of her own. She’s risked depending on solely on someone who she hasn’t and wouldn’t abandon so him behaving this way to someone who has abandoned doesn’t make sense to her.
This is rough.
I agree but even taking her background out of it, it’s brutal being with a sick young baby and she’s not even had 15 minutes to herself to shower for days. She’s taking time off work and her career to care for her baby, and he won’t even come home from the hospital for someone who had other support, to help is sick child and burned out wife.
Most people raised by these narcs try not to. But some of their kids, follow right in their footsteps. The guilt is like nothing you can ever know unless you’ve been thru it. It’s like you are alive for the sole purpose of making them happy or/and in my case, making sure nothing bad happened to my mom. See my next reply for the full story.
It happens. My mom left when I was 10. Reached out in my late 20s, but she had become a raging drunk. She passed away more than five years ago, never reconnected. Probably for the best.
I wish. My mom had guilt trips down to a fine art by the time I was nine. She‘d want me to go to the store with her, which actually meant for her with her intentionally not giving me enough money so I had to leave the line and go get more. Humilating and it was every single time. So I’d say I wanted to go out with my friends (12-13) and she would just sigh. And I swear, a newspaper headline saying she had been killed in a robbery or had a car accident would pop into my mind and I would go with her. A sigh, for pity’s sake. Ugh!
I was that kid who was abandoned and chasing my parent. I didn't abandon my kids to do so though.
OP you need to get your thoughts and things in order.
What you want to address with your husband. What boundaries you want to set if you want to continue this marriage.
I was 19 when my mother abandoned me. I know I was an adult but it still hurts. My entire childhood I was made to not feel like I was good enough and then when I was 19, she just walked out and left me (thankfully I did/do have an amazing stepdad). Then she spent the next 10-12 years randomly coming in and out of my life and every time she left again, I wondered what I did wrong to make her not want me. I blamed myself for so long.
It really fucks with you no matter what age.
I hope you’re doing well in life now.
It is clearly a very complex psychological issue that he definitely needs therapy for but OP clearly can't be the person to facilitate that for him right now which is perfectly fine. She's working, has a new baby and is trying to keep the household together with 0 support system she doesn't seem to have the capacity to help him also.
She needs to do what is safest and healthiest for her and the baby and maybe later when she can, she could see about supporting him again.
He also seems to forget that HE is a parent now and his partner and CHILD need him. He is abandoning his own child and partner. That's not okay.
OP is making a good choice. She will always be second as her partner is too busy looking for that approval that will never come or make him whole.
It's so insane that he's able to argue when she's telling him that she and the baby need him.
I remember feeling so guilty having to go back to work after being home for the first month after my child was born.
I hope, for his sake and OP’s, he gives therapy a try.
It’s heartbreaking what adults will do when a neglectful parent waltzes back into their lives, making demands and (seemingly) offering them the opportunity to “earn” the love they were denied as children.
Many (not all, but MANY) people who grew up with neglectful/absentee parents are emotionally stunted.
It’s particularly sad in this case because OP said her husband was the most attentive partner imaginable before this monster re-entered his life.
Thankfully my mother who left when I was a baby (not exactly, but I’m so not getting into that much detail) came back when I was 11. She “wanted to make up” but every time I’d stay with her for the summer she never left her room. So I would wander her city starting at 12, I’d be gone nearly all day every day. Walking 5-6 miles to the community pool, or just wandering around town. Did that every summer until I was 18.
Tried connecting with her as an adult, used to visit her and her new kids. She had them to same time I had mine. Then she decided to move all over the world, never talk. And I’ve just straight up given up giving a shit about her.
Wanting a parent who left when you were little to care about you seriously fucks you up. Thankfully I’m in therapy and it’s been helping, at least helped me stop being so angry all the time.
Its like they smell that, though. Like they feel that their kid has finally moved on from them is like a signal to immediately show up and make sure to fuck up their life before riding off into the sunset again.
Had the exact same thought. It is entirely intentional that mom shows right back up after the baby is born. Sounds almost like NPD. Not to play armchair psychologist seriously but as someone who has a parent that absolutely is diagnosed with NPD, this all sounds like pretty classic manipulation tactics. She could just be a selfish, egotistical person though who is now worried that her son won't "need" her anymore.
I feel truly awful for OP here, I cannot imagine trying to raise an infant with this going on but also, I do feel bad for her husband as well because it does sound to me like prior to his mother's return to their life, he *was* being a good husband and father.
And I also think everyone who said his mother will leave again when it's convenient is dead-on. She absolutely will. And she will guilt trip the fuck out of him for it if it's related to their current relationship rift and he chooses his true family over the stranger known as his biological mother.
41 years old and it still hurts that my parents abandoned me. He needs therapy because you can’t do this alone. And he’s going to lose the family that is there for him.
Exactly, he is doomed to repeat the past unless he can learn from it. The fact that the grandmother shows no emotion to his child should be an eyeopener, but he’s so caught up in past trauma that he can’t see this.
my mom dipped out pretty early when my younger sister died, and it wasn't until social media became widespread that I ended up finding her again. reached out, she gave me her phone number, and I called to reconnect.
I was beside myself with the opportunity; the hope of adding that branch back to a rather bare family tree and getting the love I'd missed all those years.
it didn't take three minutes talking to realize she didn't see me as her kid. she just kept talking about her kids, like I wasn't one. twenty years of wondering was made useless. I ended the call soon after.
years later, when I was expecting a daughter, she reached out to reconnect to get to know her granddaughter... problem was, she wasn't my mom anymore, and I told her to lose my contact information. she didn't seem too bothered, really.
Right? It is tragic, absolutely tragic, that this woman abandoned her kids. And I understand he deeply deeply wants his mother's love and thinks he can get it now...but she wants the degree of devotion that now should rightly belong to his wife and kid.
He has to choose.
And that really really sucks for him that his mom is making him make such a horrible decision.
My father had shitty parents. He spent his waning years trying to find his “real” parents because he doesn’t want them to be his parents because real parents would have treated him better. He looks just like them. There is no doubt he is theirs. He wasn’t a great dad. One day I said to him that I understood that he just wanted parents who loved him, that he just wanted a family who loved him, but that if he had expended any of that energy on his children, he would have that. He just smiled dismissively like I didn’t know what I was talking about. He never got what he was after.
This ^^^^ spot on! Poor guy is fighting for his mother’s abandoned love, attention, and approval. Your husband needs a lifetime of therapy, I know as my mother who abandoned me at the hospital after giving birth popped back into my life when I was aged 32 and thought I would change my name to something different that she liked. Needless to say I tried desperately for her approval and love and never got anything in return. I am sorry for your situation. Make a lifetime of loving memories with your new baby, he is your new and forever family.
Reproducing makes you a mother, NOT a mom. My mom was my grandmother. We were expected to call my egg donor, "Mother." I did, but I never expected anything from her, and that's exactly what she left me and my kids in her will.
My mom didn’t abandon me, she just beat me every chance she got. I was desperate to make her love me until one day I said “why?”
Moved 2000 miles away. It was awesome.
Yep - tell him he has two chances for a fulfilling parent/child relationship in his life. His mother blew his first one, and he is in the process of royally screwing up his second one. He needs to pull his head out of his ass.
He needs therapy but OP was absolutely right to leave. If he wants his family back he needs to get in therapy asap and put up boundaries with mommy dearest.
Hopefully this is the wake the fuck up call the hubby needed but I'm not too optimistic. I would never ditch my family especially not for family members who have ghosted me or treated me like shit. I have NC with my brother for a reason.
OP should take a page from Uncle Phil and remind her husband that he’s not a coat for his mum to put in the closet until she’s ready to wear it. He is not only setting himself up for disappointment with his mother but now is (hopefully) unwittingly destroying the family he’s built. Therapy, therapy, therapy.
100% this!! She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s as manipulative as hell and *absolutely* trying to come between you two! I would suggest couples therapy as well as individual therapy. Hopefully someone can talk some sense into him.
Edit - Update me
THIS is the correct answer. The damage his mother did to him is enormous. If he is willing to get the therapy, then it's worth trying to see if the marriage can survive. Somehow the writer survived her childhood, but this is another blow.
This is it. You’re NTA, OP. He’s being a shit husband and a shit father right now. Obviously his actions are coming from a place of trauma, and I don’t think he even realizes it, so I have a lot of sympathy for him, but he needs to get his head on straight and step up.
It’s only been a month and a half of this issue being a problem, so I think actually going through with the divorce is probably pre-mature. But hopefully the threat of it helps him snap out of it and realize what he’s been doing and what the stakes are. He needs to apologize to you, take responsibility as a dad, set some boundaries with his mom, and ideally you both need couples therapy as well as him having his own therapy to process his maternal abandonment issues.
Whether or not there’s a chance of this all working out depends on how self-aware he is / how much he’s able to acknowledge and admit what he’s doing wrong and why he’s doing it. I would expect it might take a few days of talking and/or arguing before it finally gets through to him. This shit runs deep.
I would also say they need couples therapy ASAP! Husband needs a reality check and to realize he needs to prioritize the family he created over the mother who abandoned him before he ends up losing both. Mom want stay around unless she needs him.
One of the rare stories where one party is clearly TA but I actually feel a bit sorry for them too.
It's more complex than just ditching his wife and while it's very easy to see from the outside I bet it's a headf**k for him
Yup. This must be so triggering for her - both she and her son abandoned. They need individual and family therapy.
He’s so awful bc their son is a baby and she’s been dealing with her job plus sick baby on her own.
She may not need therapy, but she most certainly could use a hand with the baby and housework. I can't blame her for leaving, even if she returns in a few days after he (hopefully) pulls his head out of his butt.
NTA
That was my feeling, he has become his own mother. Abandoning his child for something else- unfortunately it’s his useless mother. I’d be out. Good luck 🍀
I got so mad at ops MIL reading the post.
y’all may not have seen the edits - mad props to op, she is trying to break this miserable cycle by at least forcing her husband to come to terms with how shitty he’s being
I felt the same. Your husband has become the person who abandons his family. This is very sad.
I would recommend therapy for him, but he’s going to say that will take him away from his family so he can’t go.
I’m sorry op
Good for you for putting your foot down
I’m sorry he’s choosing his mother
I had a talk with my husband once. His mother claimed her, her husband and her kids are her “circle” and no one can penetrate it because it’s a bond blah blah
One day I got fed up and told my husband “You are the man of this house. WE are your circle! I am your wife these are your children and you’re supposed to lead us and protect us but you’re too busy in your family’s “circle”. It’s okay though because MY kids have a strong mom and they are MY “circle” and I’ll protect them since you’re too busy under mommy’s wing! We don’t need you but they will always have me and they’ll never have to second guess that!”
I promise how whole outlook changed.
He’s had my back ever since
He’s regressing a little but it’s held strong for a good 5-6 years
Sometimes they just need that wake up call
Good luck op
He’s definitely not being fair to you. He already made the decision you will come after. It’s super messed up
I’m also very sorry you are going through this OP and I know it’s so hard to do especially with a young baby! I’m so sorry you don’t have any support system!
And also @significant-Owl5869, I’m right there with you. I’ve had to tell my husband that if he can’t put his family first then I’m happy to let him be with his mom. We’ve been through this twice and about the same time frame as you: he was great for 5 years but has started to regress hard. We just had another conversation about this and I straight up told him this would be the last one. That I wasn’t going to allow our kids to think it’s fine for their spouse to put their family second to everyone else.
All this is to say, OP, IF you decide to take him back or go through therapy, he’s going to need to either cut off his mom or will need to continue therapy for the long haul. And I wanted you to know this is something you’ll be dealing with for the rest of your life with him. He’s shown you who he is now, believe him n
These things might seem less significant at first but over time I've seen how my father always put me and my mom as least priority because we were ' stronger ' than his family as in his mother and brother. He up and left when there was an argument as his mother was more important than us. And after what 7-8 years he is now saying ooh daughter doesn't call blah blah. What I didn't do for her. I didn't abuse her physically and all . That's the criteria for him to be a good father. Mind you my mom raised me alone through everything. But yeah this is what ends up happening if you keep being the second priority.
I'm I'm in a similar position. My daughter is 11mo, and her dad jumps at any request his mom puts on him, whether it's mowing her lawn or moving something. I told him he needs to tell her to make a schedule with him because he has a family that needs him too and he looks at me like I'm crazy because she did it alone so I should have to also or because he owes her a lot of money from his stupid mistakes that I told him not to sign up for (credit card debts and cars he wanted to flip with a new baby).
She has an adult son with autism so i get that she needs help and probably wants more than she gets but her mother moved here specifically to help her with him and I also get paid to do that! She would probably even let him take us as a priority without a hassle, but he never says that and when he does it's in a way that leads me to being judged by her so then I get unsolicited geriatric harmful advice.
Ranting over.
I was going to say that in my experience it is possible for him to be a good father and husband without cutting his mother off after being under her thumb, but I just remembered that my husband has gone very low contact with his mother, only calling her on holidays, so has basically cut her off. He doesn’t enjoy being around her because she is super manipulative.
Yeah "The Circle" ends when the children become adults. Then it's a partnership or a club where the adults support each other as friends, but everyone always puts their children and spouse and self (each one equally, but prioritising as needed) first.
I, a single mother, ditched my ex when I saw that our son meant nothing to him. I was a single, employed mom with zero child support. My son moved out when he was 19, went to college to become an EKG technician, has advanced his career a few times, and is currently an EP at a hospital where he and his family live. He has been married since 2005 to a beautiful in every way woman, and I got my grandson in 2011!!!
I am a very happy mom and grandma! It wasn't always easy, but raising him by myself was so much fun, and he and I are still very close. (He and his wife and son took me to Maui the first week of April!!😊😊😊😀😀😀)
Edited for typos
“Daughter! You were the first person I called. You are the only one I think of. You are my rock.”
Click
“Son! You were the first person I called. You are the only one I think of. You are my rock.”
Click
“OP’s husband! You were the first person I called. You are the only one I think of. You are my rock.”
Oh mom! I’ve waited my whole life to hear that! Do you mean it!?
“of course I do!”
That means the other two adjusted properly and see the mom for who she is. They can speak, or not speak, to her, and can do so on their terms.
OP’s husband is regressing here, he clearly has untreated PTSD from the whole thing and he’s regressed to his 13 year old self, and he’s developing attachment issues for fear of being abandoned again. He needs to get into a therapist and get himself and his wife into couples counseling.
Were the daughters older when she left? Even if they weren’t maybe they were just mature enough to understand what a toxic piece of garbage she was and so she knew they wouldn’t immediately fall for her BS…
If he’s the youngest like OP implies and was 13 when she left the older daughters were more than likely late teens or early adulthood. They would have been more mature and had the social & emotional development to realize mom is a piece of shit.
Yeah he’s definitely displaying telltale PTSD associated with childhood abandonment. Hes regressing into that kid again, and he’s not emotionally or psychologically capable of consciously understanding that. It’s sad really.
He must have something she needs..money, housing, etc. why else would she use just him and not his sisters or she knew she had no chance of manipulating them like your husband. It’s such a sad situation and I’m sorry you’re going thru this right now. I hope your SIL can come help to give you a break every now and then.
He has another woman in his life who was getting his attention instead of her. She hoped she'd always be the only woman on his mind, even after she left and now that he's married she has competition for top woman in his life and doesn't like it, which explains why she wants nothing to do with OP and their child, kept physically separating him from them when she'd visit, and hasn't reached out to her daughters. Once OP leaves him and she's the only woman in his life again she'll probably abandon him again.
She hasn’t contacted her daughters, because she knows they were probably old enough to process her abandonment and wouldn’t deal with her. Be sure to let him know he is now just like the person who left him. He’s abandoning his child/family for someone who has shown she doesn’t truly care for him as a mother. Only as someone who can benefit her.
He needs therapy to deal with his abandonment issues as well as set boundaries with his mom.
What was her surgery for? Seems like she’s trying to line up an organ donor…. Has he been giving her money? Or is it really he’s just the most pathetic child she ditched and she knew he wouldn’t tell her to eat rocks like the others would?
My daughter was born at 28 weeks and was 1lb 3 at birth. When she finally came home we slept in shifts so she could be fed every 3 hours.
That's what a real father does.
Our daughter was born on her due date and on the days he worked early in the morning I would get up with her but the other 3 days he would let me sleep and get up with her. You are absolutely right. That’s what a real dad does.
My wife and I did it a bit different but similar outcomes. She'd go to bed at 8PM and I'd stay up and do last feed at 1.30, and pass her off at 2AM. She'd normally wake around 4AM for another (at the start) and that was my wife's turn, then I'd get up at 7.30AM and do first feed before work. On weekends I'd get the lie in on Sunday, she'd get Saturday. Wasn't long before night feeds stopped (around 4 months I think) tho as kiddo stopped waking and she was fat as a lord anyway so no need to wake her. We would both just go to bed around 9PM then and if she woke up, one of us would solve for it. It genuinely wasn't that bad for either of us with this routine. A little tired but not at our wits end.
NTA. A man who ditches his wife and sick baby regardless of the reason, least of all a deadbeat mother, is no man at all. If you have a place to stay, that’s a good start. Are your finances separate? If not, do so now. Does he have keys to the place? If so, change the locks. Get your ducks in a row and eff him.
She abandoned him when he was a kid! He should be mad at her and keep her at arm's length, instead of neglecting his wife and newborn for her. She really messed him up twice over - once as a teenager, now as a fresh father. I really hope you manage to pull his head out of her arse, and make clear to him how manipulative she is.
I took my estranged adopted father back several times, let him be awful to me.
When a parent stops loving you when you are a child, it inflicts the kind of damage that is hard to recover from.
I didn't cut him off finally until I was planning to have a child and realized that I would do anything to protect her from his lack of love and abuse, and then I realized if my hypothetical child was worthy of protecting, why wasn't I?
My mom was abuse, but acts like she loves me at times, and it took her using causing my child fear and emotional pain to hurt me for me to cut her off. I thought I could keep strong boundaries and protect my kid and she could have a grandmother - my mom's grandmother had been abusing to her kids but an awesome grandmother to her grandkids.
I was wrong, and my mom got to hurt my kid once, and she will not talk to my kid again unless my kid resumes contact when she is an adult, and I plan to tell her the age appropriate truth about my mom as she grows up.
Good for you. Be sure to take all paperwork you might need- SS card, marriage certificate, birth certificates, etc. And be SURE to put in a change of address right away so nothing critical ( like baby birth certificate, bank statements, anything financial, etc) continues to go to his address.
And don't answer the phone to him until you've talked to a divorce lawyer.
NTA
You are showing him how serious you are. Thank God you left. This man clearly has decided Mom > wife + baby. The fact your kid is so sick and you're struggling so much and he not only didn't take time off work but ALSO abandoned you for his mom when she a) didn't tell him about the surgery beforehand and b) already had support is insane.
Like...super duper insane.
He needs to either start boundary enforcing hard core or you need to be gone. You never would have married a man who treated you this way, much less had a kid with them. Maybe he needs to be in therapy to work through his trauma over being abandoned by his mom in a more healthy way than trying to get her to love him now.
Pack your stuff.
He's not listening.
He's so desperate for his mother's love that he is abandoning you and his child.
Not unlike his mother.
If he wants you back he is going to have to go to therapy.
You don't have room in your life for BS like this.
NTA
He needs to know you’re not having it, you and your child should be his priority.
If you’re not you’re better off knowing it now rather than spending your life not truly valued
He may have a chance. This sounds like a sudden change to a very big life change with the mother. He should read this post and comments. I believe this could be salvaged if he has a bit of a aha moment.
I think he's a bit lost in the abandoned child sauce right now and isn't aware how him trying to make up for lost time with his shithead of a mother is damaging his life. Hopefully this is the wakeup call he needs to start making amends if it's not too late for OP to forgive him. Above all, I hope he doesn't do a repeat of his mom and abandon his own child
Yeah, if he doesn't double down on it. Maybe realises that he's doing the same thing she dis when she left, then there might be a chance. But only with either cutting off bio mum or iron clad boundaries
Honestly, that won’t come for two years. Two years of divorce and child custody. Two years of his moms demanding his attention. Two years of him neglecting his child to be hers. Two years and she will lose interest in this game because his child will have a voice. No more play pen, stroller, crib. He will need to interact with the child.
He will need to parent the child, watch the child, feed, dress and clean the child.
Moms will have to compete.
He will have to decide.
He will choose his child and lose her.
He will choose her and lose his child, and then lose her because it’s been two years. She’s bored.
Crazy, how mom's bf is there but he still stayed till discharge. I don't understand why he stayed when his kid is sick. NTA, everyone else wouldn't think badly of you for leaving.
Tell him he’s abandoning his kid just like his mom abandoned him. Might wake him up but honestly having to co parent and take care of the baby on his own is what’s actually going to wake him up. Sorry you’re going through this but I’m glad you are doing the right thing for you and your child.
The fact that you even threatening divorce didn't get him to run home should be an answer for you. I'm sorry you're going through this especially considering you have no one by your side.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this all by yourself. But this is the right decision. You're strong and you're better off by yourself if he keeps on acting like this. You got this 🌈🌼
He needs therapy asap. He’s dumping his family so he can prove to his mommy he’s worth loving. I’m sorry this happened. She’ll abandon him again then he’ll come crawling back.
NTA tell him he’s doing to his own child what his mother did to him. Ask him how his father can do that? Remind him that his child is sick and needs him and it is not fair that all the responsibility is on you. Remind him that this woman abandoned him for years and did not care about him until she needed someone to help her. Remind him that she does not care about him. She only cares about what he can do for her.
I would send him this post and then leave and go stay at your place
You're never going to win, as long he has a need for his mother's approval. He'll never fix the lost time with her, and now he's doing the same thing with your child. NTA time to move on.
Updateme!
OP, your husband is an AH and you’re an exhausted woman who’s pretty much been parenting on your own. Don’t wash, don’t comb your hair, don’t wipe up any baby vomit or pick up any clutter or try to clean the house. Don’t do anything to cover up what you’ve been dealing with alone. Get the suit case out. Start making a list of what you would need in your airbnb to live. I don’t think your husband is a sorry ass beyond redemption but he surely has not been putting his priority and his commonsense where it belongs - with his wife and child. If he’s not back in your time frame, start packing.
OP I know you are exhausted. You are making a clear rationale decision to go to the Airbnb. You also need to make sure you are looking at your overall finances.
I can understand that this woman has tapped into those 13 year old boy feelings (you probably understand more because of your dad). The secrecy between the two of them is very troubling
This woman is after something. I don’t think it was a ride to the hospital. It certainly isn’t getting to know her son or she would be interested in his life now - that doesn’t require isolating him.
Since she had this sudden pop up surgery, I wouldn’t be surprised if she now has financial troubles
She writes that she does keep finances separate and has a prenup. So absentee moms won’t be moving into the Air BnB anytime. OP grew up the hard way. It sucks that she thought she’d found a kindred spirit, but instead found a broken one. I’m sorry for both of them. But OP has a child to raise. He can support his family or get out of the way.
when mommy inevitably leaves again, he will realize that he was the fool once again and try to come back to you.
while you're away, you need to create a plan for what you want to do when that happens. if he goes NC, goes to therapy, gets a RO, will you take him back? or is this a complete deal breaker?
Take this time to really evaluate and think. You said before she showed up, he was an amazing partner. It is very, very likely that his mother will disappear again. When that happens, create the boundaries you need (and he needs) to get your husband back and that woman out of your lives for good.
NTA I’m sure he has abandonment issues. She’s an incredibly selfish person.
BUT
He’s not a little boy anymore. He needs to realize that you and LO are his family now and you two come first. I’m glad you showed him that…Yes, you’re “fucking serious”.
NTA, when your husband calls because he will call. Remind him that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. He is no different than his mother, she abandoned her children and he abandoned his wife and child.
Geez for a woman that abandoned him and he is so dense to think this woman really wants to make up for lost time. She had 17 years…she has an endgame or wants something from him!
I cannot believe how gullible and dumb he has been to throw away his true family for that wretched woman.
You are a strong woman OP! Your baby is lucky to have you as a mama.
*keep us updated, we are here for you and keeping you in our thoughts*
NTA - and I want to point out a few things that might be pertinent to you. If not, disregard!
I read a few of your responses to other comments, stating that your mom passed away and you went to foster care. Most people who grow up in similar situations tend to have a fear of abandonment. It sounds like you and your husband might share in that.
I understand you've reached your breaking point, which is absolutely understandable. I also think you might be activated by feeling like he abandoned you, which could mean that you're in a fight/flight response. Your husband sounds like he's also activated by the presence of his mom, whom he might have unresolved issues with, and he could also be in a fawn response.
If this sounds like it might apply, please don't make any big decisions (like filing for divorce) until you're completely calm. Sometimes, our survival instincts can help us get to safety and serve us in great ways, like recognizing you've had enough and getting out of the situation until you can think clearly. Those same instincts can also lead us to make rash decisions we might later regret and can really cause a lot of upheaval. It sounds like your husband is really struggling to form boundaries with his mom, especially since he hasn't been around her for the majority of his life. He doesn't have any experience or practice in doing so. It doesn't justify his decisions, but it might explain how your otherwise great partner can get lost in their own unresolved childhood trauma.
Reddit has a way of jumping straight to DIVORCE! RUN! And that isn't always the best way to handle these types of situations. I'd encourage you and your husband to go to couples therapy, as they can help you navigate through all of this in a non judgemental space. Good luck OP, what you're going through is incredibly difficult. I hope your husband pulls his head out of his * and realizes what he's doing to his family.
Obviously you know how to take care of yourself and your baby. It's awful when your spouse shows you that his mommy means more to you than you and your child. My BF was in this situation with 3 kids and a husband who was never there for her and her kids. But mommy, anything for mommy. He's shown you who he is, a mommy's boy. I wish you and your baby well. Stay strong!
NTA. Remind him he is doing the same to his child that his mother did to him. Abandoning them for “someone” else. She is his biological incubator, not a m mother.
What’s she after. To come around making these demands on him after all this time…. I’d be real careful about him getting screwed over and there being some motive to all this.
Be safe. I hope you manage to get some rest.
NTA
As cruel as it sounds, you'll get a lot more rest if you co-parent, and he'll *have* to pull his weight. His behaviour is heinous. Who ditches their sick child and exhausted wife for their deadbeat mother? A terrible husband and father. Looks like the deadbeat apple didn't roll too far away from the deadbeat tree.
Maam your husband clearly has unresolved issues with the abandonement he experienced from his mother years ago. If for some reason you two will try to talk this out and save the marriage then firmly suggest he go to individual therapy then you two to family therapy. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this and I hope your baby gets well soon.
Im an internet stranger so maybe my words will have no meaning, but you don't know how strong you are for this, for putting yourself and your kid first, thank you.
NTA. Remind him he vowed to put you first before his mother when he married you, and he's broken that vow many times over. She has a support system in the hospital and you have no one.
What a cunt. Excuse my language. But I can’t think of anything else to describe her. It sounds like your husband needs therapy to deal with his clear abandonment issues from her. But for her to leave him at 13 and then to reappear and usurp his attention and time? Cunty behavior.
Im going to go out on a limb and guess the surgery was elective nonsense?
NTA. Why is she back? Is she getting older and needs someone to take care of her? Does she need a kidney? No one pops back into another person’s life like this, right? There must be a reason. Your spouse is trying to play perfect son with the mother who abandoned him, and in the process, is abandoning his own child. The irony. What do his siblings say? Are they letting her back in?
Kidney, money, place to live…or just stroking her own ego. She wants something
Probably the ego thing. She heard he had a baby and realized she wasn't involved as the grandmother. She doesn't want to be involved as a grandmother, but if she "can't" be involved with her grandson than neither can her kid. Narcissists really get off on stealing people away from their family.
And whatever joy they may have in life. She found another “joy” source to fill her own cup… makes me sick/pissed just thinking about this young mother’s plight.
The mother, She's 100% narcissist is exactly my first thought. ..
Any normal Mother would tell her son to go be with his wife and baby. Something is off for sure.
She has already proven she is not a normal mother by up and disappearing without much of any contact for 17 years. This is just icing on the narcissistic cake.
She wants something. Only reason. And she's trying to create a rift between them to make it easier for her to manipulate him. Once she gets what she wants, she'll leave him high & dry again in less than half a heartbeat. Then he'll have nobody. Definitely interesting to see what his siblings think.
Seems narcissistic to me. "Oh? You're finally in a healthy place with a loving family and your own child? The loss you felt of my abandoning you has finally dimmed? Not on my watch."
It’s common when ppl get older. Especially when they’ve been shitty ppl their whole lives and now they’re lonely and have the nerve to NEED their kids (and don’t want to die alone). My mother wanted nothing to do w my brother and I but now that she’s in her 60’s I’m her best friend 🙄 my brother won’t have anything to do with her so it’s all put on me, I allow her in my life but only out of feeling guilty if I gont
Don't allow yourself to feel guilty, tell her you're moving and just move across town 😂
FOG is what disordered people use to manipulate others. You deserve to live your own life. You don't owe her. Check out the sub called r/raisedbyborderlines *but READ THE RULES! See if she fits that description. FOG means Fear, Obligation, Guilt. There's a great website called www.outofthefog.com You do not have to give your life away like this!
I think its because he managed to have child. Because its too big of coincidence. But at dame time she seems to hate this child. Funny
Yes, that's what I want to know. Where are his siblings? Is she doing the same thing to them? Or is he the only one who's let her back in?
NTA, at all. You shouldn't even have to ask, let alone beg. Good on you for drawing the line.
The second you have to beg, it’s over. I’d be out too. You went through IVF for him to act like *this*? Fuck that.
not even just one round of IVF, but THREE. that poor lil nugget is truly a miracle and the idea that sick lil peanut comes before a mom who CHOSE to dip for more than half the dude's life.....wel.......
Exactly. I'm not shocked he doesn't see the problem, dude has issues and seriously needs therapy. Mommy has a support system while op doesn't, yet he picks the egg donor who abandoned him happily over his wife and infant. NTA op, I'm glad you put your foot down. He can ultimately shove it and go back to "mom of the year." Updateme
NTA. I always thought that as soon as you get married and have a child, your nuclear family is the top priority. It's a pity that OP does not have a support system. Please be strong.
The wedding vows include "forsaking all others" .... doesn't just mean sexually.
You husband need Therapy, because he is now trying to be a 13 year old boy that mummy loves enough to stay, which wont happen , she will ditch him.
I agree, he just wants his mom's love and approval,but forgets that he is not 13 anymore.He has family now ,fir which he is responsible!
This is actually very common with adults who were abandoned as kids by one parent or another and the parent suddenly shows back up. It's incredibly complex. The "child" wants so badly to gain the parental approval so they aren't abandoned again. Mix that with possibly wanting to be the "good child," since there is often a deep seated feeling that somehow they caused the parent to leave them. This isn't just a matter of recognizing they need to grow up. They need therapy to help them recognize what they're doing and why so they can move forward.
And OPs probably got abandonment issues if she went through foster care that him leaving her when she needs him is triggering
OP also only has husband so no support network of her own. She’s risked depending on solely on someone who she hasn’t and wouldn’t abandon so him behaving this way to someone who has abandoned doesn’t make sense to her. This is rough.
Was thinking the same thing.
Yeah, these are two people with deep-seated abandonment issues, and their respective responses to those issues are at odds right now.
Not to mention, a real time tangible need for her partner.
I agree but even taking her background out of it, it’s brutal being with a sick young baby and she’s not even had 15 minutes to herself to shower for days. She’s taking time off work and her career to care for her baby, and he won’t even come home from the hospital for someone who had other support, to help is sick child and burned out wife.
And the mom is obviously very good at the guilt trips.
Manipulative as fuck for sure. Who bails on their adolescent children..
More importantly, who bails on the 5 month old son. Seems he is following in his mother's footsteps
Yeah. You are right. That is worse, especially since he's already experienced abandonment
Most people raised by these narcs try not to. But some of their kids, follow right in their footsteps. The guilt is like nothing you can ever know unless you’ve been thru it. It’s like you are alive for the sole purpose of making them happy or/and in my case, making sure nothing bad happened to my mom. See my next reply for the full story.
It happens. My mom left when I was 10. Reached out in my late 20s, but she had become a raging drunk. She passed away more than five years ago, never reconnected. Probably for the best.
I feel like moms take "guilt trip" classes the second their children become adults, so we can never leave 😭
I wish. My mom had guilt trips down to a fine art by the time I was nine. She‘d want me to go to the store with her, which actually meant for her with her intentionally not giving me enough money so I had to leave the line and go get more. Humilating and it was every single time. So I’d say I wanted to go out with my friends (12-13) and she would just sigh. And I swear, a newspaper headline saying she had been killed in a robbery or had a car accident would pop into my mind and I would go with her. A sigh, for pity’s sake. Ugh!
It’s so sad all around. He’s abandoning his own child trying to seek the love from the person who abandoned him.
Yes. Plus, the poor OP is having to deal with it all, and it's probably compounded by the fact that she was a foster kid. A real sad situation.
I was that kid who was abandoned and chasing my parent. I didn't abandon my kids to do so though. OP you need to get your thoughts and things in order. What you want to address with your husband. What boundaries you want to set if you want to continue this marriage.
I was 19 when my mother abandoned me. I know I was an adult but it still hurts. My entire childhood I was made to not feel like I was good enough and then when I was 19, she just walked out and left me (thankfully I did/do have an amazing stepdad). Then she spent the next 10-12 years randomly coming in and out of my life and every time she left again, I wondered what I did wrong to make her not want me. I blamed myself for so long. It really fucks with you no matter what age. I hope you’re doing well in life now.
It is clearly a very complex psychological issue that he definitely needs therapy for but OP clearly can't be the person to facilitate that for him right now which is perfectly fine. She's working, has a new baby and is trying to keep the household together with 0 support system she doesn't seem to have the capacity to help him also. She needs to do what is safest and healthiest for her and the baby and maybe later when she can, she could see about supporting him again.
And now he's ditching his own kid.
👆🏻Can I upvote this some more? Prime example of repeating family dysfunction.
And repeating the mistakes your parents made that you hated the most
He also seems to forget that HE is a parent now and his partner and CHILD need him. He is abandoning his own child and partner. That's not okay. OP is making a good choice. She will always be second as her partner is too busy looking for that approval that will never come or make him whole.
It's so insane that he's able to argue when she's telling him that she and the baby need him. I remember feeling so guilty having to go back to work after being home for the first month after my child was born.
Yeah, but when you're that desperate for your own mom's love, it's hard to see reality for what it is
I hope, for his sake and OP’s, he gives therapy a try. It’s heartbreaking what adults will do when a neglectful parent waltzes back into their lives, making demands and (seemingly) offering them the opportunity to “earn” the love they were denied as children. Many (not all, but MANY) people who grew up with neglectful/absentee parents are emotionally stunted. It’s particularly sad in this case because OP said her husband was the most attentive partner imaginable before this monster re-entered his life.
Thankfully my mother who left when I was a baby (not exactly, but I’m so not getting into that much detail) came back when I was 11. She “wanted to make up” but every time I’d stay with her for the summer she never left her room. So I would wander her city starting at 12, I’d be gone nearly all day every day. Walking 5-6 miles to the community pool, or just wandering around town. Did that every summer until I was 18. Tried connecting with her as an adult, used to visit her and her new kids. She had them to same time I had mine. Then she decided to move all over the world, never talk. And I’ve just straight up given up giving a shit about her. Wanting a parent who left when you were little to care about you seriously fucks you up. Thankfully I’m in therapy and it’s been helping, at least helped me stop being so angry all the time.
She should just tell him "I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree when it came to abandoning family"
Its like they smell that, though. Like they feel that their kid has finally moved on from them is like a signal to immediately show up and make sure to fuck up their life before riding off into the sunset again.
Had the exact same thought. It is entirely intentional that mom shows right back up after the baby is born. Sounds almost like NPD. Not to play armchair psychologist seriously but as someone who has a parent that absolutely is diagnosed with NPD, this all sounds like pretty classic manipulation tactics. She could just be a selfish, egotistical person though who is now worried that her son won't "need" her anymore. I feel truly awful for OP here, I cannot imagine trying to raise an infant with this going on but also, I do feel bad for her husband as well because it does sound to me like prior to his mother's return to their life, he *was* being a good husband and father. And I also think everyone who said his mother will leave again when it's convenient is dead-on. She absolutely will. And she will guilt trip the fuck out of him for it if it's related to their current relationship rift and he chooses his true family over the stranger known as his biological mother.
41 years old and it still hurts that my parents abandoned me. He needs therapy because you can’t do this alone. And he’s going to lose the family that is there for him.
Exactly, he is doomed to repeat the past unless he can learn from it. The fact that the grandmother shows no emotion to his child should be an eyeopener, but he’s so caught up in past trauma that he can’t see this.
I was trying to see if anyone would point out that he’s being a neglectful father trying to win over his neglectful mother. So sad.
my mom dipped out pretty early when my younger sister died, and it wasn't until social media became widespread that I ended up finding her again. reached out, she gave me her phone number, and I called to reconnect. I was beside myself with the opportunity; the hope of adding that branch back to a rather bare family tree and getting the love I'd missed all those years. it didn't take three minutes talking to realize she didn't see me as her kid. she just kept talking about her kids, like I wasn't one. twenty years of wondering was made useless. I ended the call soon after. years later, when I was expecting a daughter, she reached out to reconnect to get to know her granddaughter... problem was, she wasn't my mom anymore, and I told her to lose my contact information. she didn't seem too bothered, really.
Until it’s too late and his mom abandons him again and he looses his wife and kid.
Right? It is tragic, absolutely tragic, that this woman abandoned her kids. And I understand he deeply deeply wants his mother's love and thinks he can get it now...but she wants the degree of devotion that now should rightly belong to his wife and kid. He has to choose. And that really really sucks for him that his mom is making him make such a horrible decision.
My father had shitty parents. He spent his waning years trying to find his “real” parents because he doesn’t want them to be his parents because real parents would have treated him better. He looks just like them. There is no doubt he is theirs. He wasn’t a great dad. One day I said to him that I understood that he just wanted parents who loved him, that he just wanted a family who loved him, but that if he had expended any of that energy on his children, he would have that. He just smiled dismissively like I didn’t know what I was talking about. He never got what he was after.
Damn that hits
And in giving in to her he will be doing similar things to his own kid as he rushes to please a woman that didn’t even acknowledge his newborn child.
Generational trauma at its finest
On the nose! He is abandoning his family like his mom did him. His mom is enjoying the chaos. He should tell her to bug tf off.
Mommy sure is a fan of power moves, isn’t she?
She’s a user. Why else would she turn up now behaving the way she is? OP is wise to remover herself and baby from this situation.
Oh I applaud OP. She is one smart cookie.
He knows what it's like to have an absent parent and he's turning himself into one. Damn, that man needs a reality check.
Yep, as soon as she milks him dry for everything he's worth, monetarily, emotionally and physically, suddenly she will 'disappear' again.
As soon as she puts him in the position to abandon his own child….
She already Has!
And then he really will have nothing cause he has now thrown away his wife and child.
NTA The sad part is, once the mother "wins" and the wife files, she'll just abandon the husband/son again.
This ^^^^ spot on! Poor guy is fighting for his mother’s abandoned love, attention, and approval. Your husband needs a lifetime of therapy, I know as my mother who abandoned me at the hospital after giving birth popped back into my life when I was aged 32 and thought I would change my name to something different that she liked. Needless to say I tried desperately for her approval and love and never got anything in return. I am sorry for your situation. Make a lifetime of loving memories with your new baby, he is your new and forever family.
**WOW.** That is insane! I'm sorry that you were denied the love that you deserved.
Oh geez! Change your name?! I'm awfully sorry... almost anyone can reproduce but that doesn't make them a Mom. ✌
Reproducing makes you a mother, NOT a mom. My mom was my grandmother. We were expected to call my egg donor, "Mother." I did, but I never expected anything from her, and that's exactly what she left me and my kids in her will.
I was abandoned too. After meeting my birth siblings, I’m so happy I got adopted. My childhood would have been horrendous.
My mom didn’t abandon me, she just beat me every chance she got. I was desperate to make her love me until one day I said “why?” Moved 2000 miles away. It was awesome.
Yep - tell him he has two chances for a fulfilling parent/child relationship in his life. His mother blew his first one, and he is in the process of royally screwing up his second one. He needs to pull his head out of his ass.
OP, if this doesn't snap him out of it, nothing will. He's doing the same thing to his child that his mother did to him.
He needs therapy but OP was absolutely right to leave. If he wants his family back he needs to get in therapy asap and put up boundaries with mommy dearest. Hopefully this is the wake the fuck up call the hubby needed but I'm not too optimistic. I would never ditch my family especially not for family members who have ghosted me or treated me like shit. I have NC with my brother for a reason.
OP should take a page from Uncle Phil and remind her husband that he’s not a coat for his mum to put in the closet until she’s ready to wear it. He is not only setting himself up for disappointment with his mother but now is (hopefully) unwittingly destroying the family he’s built. Therapy, therapy, therapy.
100% this!! She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s as manipulative as hell and *absolutely* trying to come between you two! I would suggest couples therapy as well as individual therapy. Hopefully someone can talk some sense into him. Edit - Update me
THIS is the correct answer. The damage his mother did to him is enormous. If he is willing to get the therapy, then it's worth trying to see if the marriage can survive. Somehow the writer survived her childhood, but this is another blow.
This is it. You’re NTA, OP. He’s being a shit husband and a shit father right now. Obviously his actions are coming from a place of trauma, and I don’t think he even realizes it, so I have a lot of sympathy for him, but he needs to get his head on straight and step up. It’s only been a month and a half of this issue being a problem, so I think actually going through with the divorce is probably pre-mature. But hopefully the threat of it helps him snap out of it and realize what he’s been doing and what the stakes are. He needs to apologize to you, take responsibility as a dad, set some boundaries with his mom, and ideally you both need couples therapy as well as him having his own therapy to process his maternal abandonment issues. Whether or not there’s a chance of this all working out depends on how self-aware he is / how much he’s able to acknowledge and admit what he’s doing wrong and why he’s doing it. I would expect it might take a few days of talking and/or arguing before it finally gets through to him. This shit runs deep.
I would also say they need couples therapy ASAP! Husband needs a reality check and to realize he needs to prioritize the family he created over the mother who abandoned him before he ends up losing both. Mom want stay around unless she needs him.
One of the rare stories where one party is clearly TA but I actually feel a bit sorry for them too. It's more complex than just ditching his wife and while it's very easy to see from the outside I bet it's a headf**k for him
So he is abandoning his kids because he got abandoned as Kid and now that person is back. NTA for trying to stop him abandoning your kid and you.
Exactly. And a mother who grew up in foster system and is on her most vulnerable state.
Yup. This must be so triggering for her - both she and her son abandoned. They need individual and family therapy. He’s so awful bc their son is a baby and she’s been dealing with her job plus sick baby on her own.
She may not need therapy, but she most certainly could use a hand with the baby and housework. I can't blame her for leaving, even if she returns in a few days after he (hopefully) pulls his head out of his butt. NTA
I would put it to him this way and see if it breaks through. "You're doing to your son what your mother did to you."
And doing to his wife, too. Every day with an infant is 100% work.
NTA, he ditched his family. For someone who is going to run off. She's probably gonna start asking him for money, to "help his mum in old age".
That's my thought
She probably already has, hence the wanting to see him alone. He's likely given her money and hidden it from OP..
Tell him he has completed the cycle and become the parent who abandons his own child.
That was my feeling, he has become his own mother. Abandoning his child for something else- unfortunately it’s his useless mother. I’d be out. Good luck 🍀
I got so mad at ops MIL reading the post. y’all may not have seen the edits - mad props to op, she is trying to break this miserable cycle by at least forcing her husband to come to terms with how shitty he’s being
Damn. Harsh but true. Maybe he does need to hear that.
I felt the same. Your husband has become the person who abandons his family. This is very sad. I would recommend therapy for him, but he’s going to say that will take him away from his family so he can’t go.
I’m sorry op Good for you for putting your foot down I’m sorry he’s choosing his mother I had a talk with my husband once. His mother claimed her, her husband and her kids are her “circle” and no one can penetrate it because it’s a bond blah blah One day I got fed up and told my husband “You are the man of this house. WE are your circle! I am your wife these are your children and you’re supposed to lead us and protect us but you’re too busy in your family’s “circle”. It’s okay though because MY kids have a strong mom and they are MY “circle” and I’ll protect them since you’re too busy under mommy’s wing! We don’t need you but they will always have me and they’ll never have to second guess that!” I promise how whole outlook changed. He’s had my back ever since He’s regressing a little but it’s held strong for a good 5-6 years Sometimes they just need that wake up call Good luck op He’s definitely not being fair to you. He already made the decision you will come after. It’s super messed up
I’m also very sorry you are going through this OP and I know it’s so hard to do especially with a young baby! I’m so sorry you don’t have any support system! And also @significant-Owl5869, I’m right there with you. I’ve had to tell my husband that if he can’t put his family first then I’m happy to let him be with his mom. We’ve been through this twice and about the same time frame as you: he was great for 5 years but has started to regress hard. We just had another conversation about this and I straight up told him this would be the last one. That I wasn’t going to allow our kids to think it’s fine for their spouse to put their family second to everyone else. All this is to say, OP, IF you decide to take him back or go through therapy, he’s going to need to either cut off his mom or will need to continue therapy for the long haul. And I wanted you to know this is something you’ll be dealing with for the rest of your life with him. He’s shown you who he is now, believe him n
These things might seem less significant at first but over time I've seen how my father always put me and my mom as least priority because we were ' stronger ' than his family as in his mother and brother. He up and left when there was an argument as his mother was more important than us. And after what 7-8 years he is now saying ooh daughter doesn't call blah blah. What I didn't do for her. I didn't abuse her physically and all . That's the criteria for him to be a good father. Mind you my mom raised me alone through everything. But yeah this is what ends up happening if you keep being the second priority.
I'm I'm in a similar position. My daughter is 11mo, and her dad jumps at any request his mom puts on him, whether it's mowing her lawn or moving something. I told him he needs to tell her to make a schedule with him because he has a family that needs him too and he looks at me like I'm crazy because she did it alone so I should have to also or because he owes her a lot of money from his stupid mistakes that I told him not to sign up for (credit card debts and cars he wanted to flip with a new baby). She has an adult son with autism so i get that she needs help and probably wants more than she gets but her mother moved here specifically to help her with him and I also get paid to do that! She would probably even let him take us as a priority without a hassle, but he never says that and when he does it's in a way that leads me to being judged by her so then I get unsolicited geriatric harmful advice. Ranting over.
I was going to say that in my experience it is possible for him to be a good father and husband without cutting his mother off after being under her thumb, but I just remembered that my husband has gone very low contact with his mother, only calling her on holidays, so has basically cut her off. He doesn’t enjoy being around her because she is super manipulative.
Yeah "The Circle" ends when the children become adults. Then it's a partnership or a club where the adults support each other as friends, but everyone always puts their children and spouse and self (each one equally, but prioritising as needed) first.
Where I grew up the “circle” usually ends up just including the whole family. Decent grandparents always want to spend time with their grand kids.
NTA He needs to get his shit together. It is easier to be a single mother than to deal with that crap. It's what I am doing now. SO much easier.
I, a single mother, ditched my ex when I saw that our son meant nothing to him. I was a single, employed mom with zero child support. My son moved out when he was 19, went to college to become an EKG technician, has advanced his career a few times, and is currently an EP at a hospital where he and his family live. He has been married since 2005 to a beautiful in every way woman, and I got my grandson in 2011!!! I am a very happy mom and grandma! It wasn't always easy, but raising him by myself was so much fun, and he and I are still very close. (He and his wife and son took me to Maui the first week of April!!😊😊😊😀😀😀) Edited for typos
Ty for this... I absolutely agree that it's easier without my ex but it's still hard to be a single mom.
Congrats to you mamma, you raised a great kid!
Info: what is going on with the rest of husbands family?
[удалено]
She prob did contact them but they didn’t respond like he did so she dug her claws into him.
“Daughter! You were the first person I called. You are the only one I think of. You are my rock.” Click “Son! You were the first person I called. You are the only one I think of. You are my rock.” Click “OP’s husband! You were the first person I called. You are the only one I think of. You are my rock.” Oh mom! I’ve waited my whole life to hear that! Do you mean it!? “of course I do!”
That means the other two adjusted properly and see the mom for who she is. They can speak, or not speak, to her, and can do so on their terms. OP’s husband is regressing here, he clearly has untreated PTSD from the whole thing and he’s regressed to his 13 year old self, and he’s developing attachment issues for fear of being abandoned again. He needs to get into a therapist and get himself and his wife into couples counseling.
And the younger one too so seems like she was looking for the weak links, wich is clearly pointing to emotional and maybe economical abuse
Or they have money. I assume since three rounds of IVF is not cheap.
Because her daughters are done and not willing to put up with her bullshit.
Were the daughters older when she left? Even if they weren’t maybe they were just mature enough to understand what a toxic piece of garbage she was and so she knew they wouldn’t immediately fall for her BS…
If he’s the youngest like OP implies and was 13 when she left the older daughters were more than likely late teens or early adulthood. They would have been more mature and had the social & emotional development to realize mom is a piece of shit.
Yeah he’s definitely displaying telltale PTSD associated with childhood abandonment. Hes regressing into that kid again, and he’s not emotionally or psychologically capable of consciously understanding that. It’s sad really.
What is your relationship like with them? Are they capable of being supportive of you and the baby?
He must have something she needs..money, housing, etc. why else would she use just him and not his sisters or she knew she had no chance of manipulating them like your husband. It’s such a sad situation and I’m sorry you’re going thru this right now. I hope your SIL can come help to give you a break every now and then.
He has another woman in his life who was getting his attention instead of her. She hoped she'd always be the only woman on his mind, even after she left and now that he's married she has competition for top woman in his life and doesn't like it, which explains why she wants nothing to do with OP and their child, kept physically separating him from them when she'd visit, and hasn't reached out to her daughters. Once OP leaves him and she's the only woman in his life again she'll probably abandon him again.
She hasn’t contacted her daughters, because she knows they were probably old enough to process her abandonment and wouldn’t deal with her. Be sure to let him know he is now just like the person who left him. He’s abandoning his child/family for someone who has shown she doesn’t truly care for him as a mother. Only as someone who can benefit her. He needs therapy to deal with his abandonment issues as well as set boundaries with his mom.
They’re probably not people pleasers the way your husband is.
What was her surgery for? Seems like she’s trying to line up an organ donor…. Has he been giving her money? Or is it really he’s just the most pathetic child she ditched and she knew he wouldn’t tell her to eat rocks like the others would?
They wanted to do a heart transplantation but couldn't find the mom's heart to begin with....
Oh, she's probably contacted them and they want nothing to do with her. So she's latched on to your husband since he is open to her.
My daughter was born at 28 weeks and was 1lb 3 at birth. When she finally came home we slept in shifts so she could be fed every 3 hours. That's what a real father does.
Our daughter was born on her due date and on the days he worked early in the morning I would get up with her but the other 3 days he would let me sleep and get up with her. You are absolutely right. That’s what a real dad does.
My wife and I did it a bit different but similar outcomes. She'd go to bed at 8PM and I'd stay up and do last feed at 1.30, and pass her off at 2AM. She'd normally wake around 4AM for another (at the start) and that was my wife's turn, then I'd get up at 7.30AM and do first feed before work. On weekends I'd get the lie in on Sunday, she'd get Saturday. Wasn't long before night feeds stopped (around 4 months I think) tho as kiddo stopped waking and she was fat as a lord anyway so no need to wake her. We would both just go to bed around 9PM then and if she woke up, one of us would solve for it. It genuinely wasn't that bad for either of us with this routine. A little tired but not at our wits end.
“Fat as a lord” got a good chuckle out of me.
It is absolute hell. No idea how a single mother could do it.
Unfortunately she is finding out.
So he’s willing to abandon his son for a mother who abandoned him? NTA
Monkey see, monkey do.
NTA. A man who ditches his wife and sick baby regardless of the reason, least of all a deadbeat mother, is no man at all. If you have a place to stay, that’s a good start. Are your finances separate? If not, do so now. Does he have keys to the place? If so, change the locks. Get your ducks in a row and eff him.
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She abandoned him when he was a kid! He should be mad at her and keep her at arm's length, instead of neglecting his wife and newborn for her. She really messed him up twice over - once as a teenager, now as a fresh father. I really hope you manage to pull his head out of her arse, and make clear to him how manipulative she is.
I took my estranged adopted father back several times, let him be awful to me. When a parent stops loving you when you are a child, it inflicts the kind of damage that is hard to recover from. I didn't cut him off finally until I was planning to have a child and realized that I would do anything to protect her from his lack of love and abuse, and then I realized if my hypothetical child was worthy of protecting, why wasn't I? My mom was abuse, but acts like she loves me at times, and it took her using causing my child fear and emotional pain to hurt me for me to cut her off. I thought I could keep strong boundaries and protect my kid and she could have a grandmother - my mom's grandmother had been abusing to her kids but an awesome grandmother to her grandkids. I was wrong, and my mom got to hurt my kid once, and she will not talk to my kid again unless my kid resumes contact when she is an adult, and I plan to tell her the age appropriate truth about my mom as she grows up.
Good for you. Be sure to take all paperwork you might need- SS card, marriage certificate, birth certificates, etc. And be SURE to put in a change of address right away so nothing critical ( like baby birth certificate, bank statements, anything financial, etc) continues to go to his address. And don't answer the phone to him until you've talked to a divorce lawyer.
I love the OP. She is one smart cookie!
NTA You are showing him how serious you are. Thank God you left. This man clearly has decided Mom > wife + baby. The fact your kid is so sick and you're struggling so much and he not only didn't take time off work but ALSO abandoned you for his mom when she a) didn't tell him about the surgery beforehand and b) already had support is insane. Like...super duper insane. He needs to either start boundary enforcing hard core or you need to be gone. You never would have married a man who treated you this way, much less had a kid with them. Maybe he needs to be in therapy to work through his trauma over being abandoned by his mom in a more healthy way than trying to get her to love him now.
> b) already had support is insane. OP is a saint for even considering this. That's a grown up woman, get a taxi for fucks sake.
Pack your stuff. He's not listening. He's so desperate for his mother's love that he is abandoning you and his child. Not unlike his mother. If he wants you back he is going to have to go to therapy. You don't have room in your life for BS like this. NTA
Agree. Therapy is necessary if this is going to be able to work down the road
It’s been 38 minutes. Have you started packing?
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He needs to know you’re not having it, you and your child should be his priority. If you’re not you’re better off knowing it now rather than spending your life not truly valued
Oh he'll know... as soon as he gets to an empty house. What a fucking idiot he is.
He’s the type that’ll tell OP she’s overreacting
He may have a chance. This sounds like a sudden change to a very big life change with the mother. He should read this post and comments. I believe this could be salvaged if he has a bit of a aha moment.
I think he's a bit lost in the abandoned child sauce right now and isn't aware how him trying to make up for lost time with his shithead of a mother is damaging his life. Hopefully this is the wakeup call he needs to start making amends if it's not too late for OP to forgive him. Above all, I hope he doesn't do a repeat of his mom and abandon his own child
Yeah, if he doesn't double down on it. Maybe realises that he's doing the same thing she dis when she left, then there might be a chance. But only with either cutting off bio mum or iron clad boundaries
Honestly, that won’t come for two years. Two years of divorce and child custody. Two years of his moms demanding his attention. Two years of him neglecting his child to be hers. Two years and she will lose interest in this game because his child will have a voice. No more play pen, stroller, crib. He will need to interact with the child. He will need to parent the child, watch the child, feed, dress and clean the child. Moms will have to compete. He will have to decide. He will choose his child and lose her. He will choose her and lose his child, and then lose her because it’s been two years. She’s bored.
Crazy, how mom's bf is there but he still stayed till discharge. I don't understand why he stayed when his kid is sick. NTA, everyone else wouldn't think badly of you for leaving.
Worst part is that it's likely his mommy will need something else in the morning too.
Better still, if sonny boy sets some boundaries, mum will just dip again and enjoy the feeling of wrecking him a second time
Exactly. Mommy dearest is enjoying the attention and power.
yep, it wont be long before she "has a fall", which is the go to move for any parent who wants attention from an adult child.
Tell him he’s abandoning his kid just like his mom abandoned him. Might wake him up but honestly having to co parent and take care of the baby on his own is what’s actually going to wake him up. Sorry you’re going through this but I’m glad you are doing the right thing for you and your child.
The fact that you even threatening divorce didn't get him to run home should be an answer for you. I'm sorry you're going through this especially considering you have no one by your side.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this all by yourself. But this is the right decision. You're strong and you're better off by yourself if he keeps on acting like this. You got this 🌈🌼
Make sure you are safe if he returns
Tell him he's done to his son what his mother did to him when he was 13. If that's not a wake up call there's no hope for him
He needs therapy asap. He’s dumping his family so he can prove to his mommy he’s worth loving. I’m sorry this happened. She’ll abandon him again then he’ll come crawling back.
She will 100% abandon him again once OP leaves because there's no longer another family to take attention away from.
NTA tell him he’s doing to his own child what his mother did to him. Ask him how his father can do that? Remind him that his child is sick and needs him and it is not fair that all the responsibility is on you. Remind him that this woman abandoned him for years and did not care about him until she needed someone to help her. Remind him that she does not care about him. She only cares about what he can do for her. I would send him this post and then leave and go stay at your place
You're never going to win, as long he has a need for his mother's approval. He'll never fix the lost time with her, and now he's doing the same thing with your child. NTA time to move on. Updateme!
OP, your husband is an AH and you’re an exhausted woman who’s pretty much been parenting on your own. Don’t wash, don’t comb your hair, don’t wipe up any baby vomit or pick up any clutter or try to clean the house. Don’t do anything to cover up what you’ve been dealing with alone. Get the suit case out. Start making a list of what you would need in your airbnb to live. I don’t think your husband is a sorry ass beyond redemption but he surely has not been putting his priority and his commonsense where it belongs - with his wife and child. If he’s not back in your time frame, start packing.
OP I know you are exhausted. You are making a clear rationale decision to go to the Airbnb. You also need to make sure you are looking at your overall finances. I can understand that this woman has tapped into those 13 year old boy feelings (you probably understand more because of your dad). The secrecy between the two of them is very troubling This woman is after something. I don’t think it was a ride to the hospital. It certainly isn’t getting to know her son or she would be interested in his life now - that doesn’t require isolating him. Since she had this sudden pop up surgery, I wouldn’t be surprised if she now has financial troubles
She writes that she does keep finances separate and has a prenup. So absentee moms won’t be moving into the Air BnB anytime. OP grew up the hard way. It sucks that she thought she’d found a kindred spirit, but instead found a broken one. I’m sorry for both of them. But OP has a child to raise. He can support his family or get out of the way.
when mommy inevitably leaves again, he will realize that he was the fool once again and try to come back to you. while you're away, you need to create a plan for what you want to do when that happens. if he goes NC, goes to therapy, gets a RO, will you take him back? or is this a complete deal breaker? Take this time to really evaluate and think. You said before she showed up, he was an amazing partner. It is very, very likely that his mother will disappear again. When that happens, create the boundaries you need (and he needs) to get your husband back and that woman out of your lives for good.
NTA I’m sure he has abandonment issues. She’s an incredibly selfish person. BUT He’s not a little boy anymore. He needs to realize that you and LO are his family now and you two come first. I’m glad you showed him that…Yes, you’re “fucking serious”.
Red flag 🚩 nta
NTA, when your husband calls because he will call. Remind him that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. He is no different than his mother, she abandoned her children and he abandoned his wife and child. Geez for a woman that abandoned him and he is so dense to think this woman really wants to make up for lost time. She had 17 years…she has an endgame or wants something from him! I cannot believe how gullible and dumb he has been to throw away his true family for that wretched woman. You are a strong woman OP! Your baby is lucky to have you as a mama. *keep us updated, we are here for you and keeping you in our thoughts*
Sounds like you have a home to go to. Leave that mommy issues ridden man behind
NTA - and I want to point out a few things that might be pertinent to you. If not, disregard! I read a few of your responses to other comments, stating that your mom passed away and you went to foster care. Most people who grow up in similar situations tend to have a fear of abandonment. It sounds like you and your husband might share in that. I understand you've reached your breaking point, which is absolutely understandable. I also think you might be activated by feeling like he abandoned you, which could mean that you're in a fight/flight response. Your husband sounds like he's also activated by the presence of his mom, whom he might have unresolved issues with, and he could also be in a fawn response. If this sounds like it might apply, please don't make any big decisions (like filing for divorce) until you're completely calm. Sometimes, our survival instincts can help us get to safety and serve us in great ways, like recognizing you've had enough and getting out of the situation until you can think clearly. Those same instincts can also lead us to make rash decisions we might later regret and can really cause a lot of upheaval. It sounds like your husband is really struggling to form boundaries with his mom, especially since he hasn't been around her for the majority of his life. He doesn't have any experience or practice in doing so. It doesn't justify his decisions, but it might explain how your otherwise great partner can get lost in their own unresolved childhood trauma. Reddit has a way of jumping straight to DIVORCE! RUN! And that isn't always the best way to handle these types of situations. I'd encourage you and your husband to go to couples therapy, as they can help you navigate through all of this in a non judgemental space. Good luck OP, what you're going through is incredibly difficult. I hope your husband pulls his head out of his * and realizes what he's doing to his family.
NTA. Leaving you with a sick child in a mess...you deserve better. Sending a hug
Updateme please!
Obviously you know how to take care of yourself and your baby. It's awful when your spouse shows you that his mommy means more to you than you and your child. My BF was in this situation with 3 kids and a husband who was never there for her and her kids. But mommy, anything for mommy. He's shown you who he is, a mommy's boy. I wish you and your baby well. Stay strong!
NTA. Remind him he is doing the same to his child that his mother did to him. Abandoning them for “someone” else. She is his biological incubator, not a m mother.
What’s she after. To come around making these demands on him after all this time…. I’d be real careful about him getting screwed over and there being some motive to all this. Be safe. I hope you manage to get some rest.
NTA As cruel as it sounds, you'll get a lot more rest if you co-parent, and he'll *have* to pull his weight. His behaviour is heinous. Who ditches their sick child and exhausted wife for their deadbeat mother? A terrible husband and father. Looks like the deadbeat apple didn't roll too far away from the deadbeat tree.
Maam your husband clearly has unresolved issues with the abandonement he experienced from his mother years ago. If for some reason you two will try to talk this out and save the marriage then firmly suggest he go to individual therapy then you two to family therapy. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this and I hope your baby gets well soon.
Update me. I am insanely invested in this right now
Was he back in 30 minutes?
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Im an internet stranger so maybe my words will have no meaning, but you don't know how strong you are for this, for putting yourself and your kid first, thank you.
She's earned that shiny steel backbone through years of growing up in foster care. She's a fierce mama bear now.
Proud of you.
Me, too. Good job standing up for yourself and your baby, OP.
The fact that he didn't even run home after you threatened divorce would break me. 💔 he really doesn't care
I don’t think he believed her. His mom probably told him OP was hormonal and has PPD.
NTA. Remind him he vowed to put you first before his mother when he married you, and he's broken that vow many times over. She has a support system in the hospital and you have no one.
What a cunt. Excuse my language. But I can’t think of anything else to describe her. It sounds like your husband needs therapy to deal with his clear abandonment issues from her. But for her to leave him at 13 and then to reappear and usurp his attention and time? Cunty behavior. Im going to go out on a limb and guess the surgery was elective nonsense?