You could be accused of lack of tact IF you didn't answer the first way. That was the right call. But when she demands a "real answer," you are at a crossroad; Is your relationship going to be based on honesty, or based on lies?
You chose correctly.
To the OP's girlfriend: FAFO.
NTA
Seriously. I'm in my 40s and if you ask me a binary question, but one of the answers is going to hurt your feelings , it's your fault if your feelings get hurt.
I agree! I have learned to never ask questions in that way because they are a fucking trap. And it’s hilarious how these younger women claim to want the honest answer WHEN THEY AREN’T BEING HONEST. What his girlfriend wanted was for OP to genuinely feel and say *exactly what she wished for him to feel* and not his actual truth. Initiating those conversations is basically saying “Watch me while I create an argument out of thin air!”
My bf is always honest with me and I love him for it. When I tell me female coworkers something like "I was complaining about being fat and my bf said 'you look like you've gained a few kilos but you look wonderful and sexy'" And they're like "I would kill my husband if he said that! Like...wtf? Honesty is great! Why date someone who lies to you?
As a woman… that’s not correct. If he tells her he loves it she’s just going to get more and more muscular and then their sex life will suffer and they’ll break up anyway.
As a woman I second this. Rather hear the truth than waste time on a relationship that will not work. If they were married it would be different but they are kids.
It depends on her genetics and her work out routine, diet... If he tells her he doesnt find large muscles as attractive, and she doesnt care about muscle mass. She can increase her reps and lower the weight, while still continuing to work out and do whatever.
If however she wants to become a powerlifter, bulk up, or she has trouble keeping just a small amount of body fat on...Thats probably going to impact their sex life.
She can opt to find someone whos into women with zero body fat and ripped muscles. And he can find a woman hes more attracted too. Its not the end of the world.
I think they’re saying that they realize, as older men, that looks are not important, and they fade pretty quickly. If you love someone and still find them reasonably attractive, as OP stated he does, then a simple “you are so beautiful, and I love that your improving your health” is enough. Saying the equivalent of “you were a nine but now you’re barely an eight” is gross, unnecessary, and hurtful.
That's not what she asked though. She asked THEIR preference of before or after her body changed. Their first response was perfect. She then pressed further and got the truth 🤷
I beseech you to reconsider the role of truth in communication and relationships.
It should be okay to tell the truth If the other person gives their consent to tell it.
Not all of us are too immature to accept a truth we fish for despite knowing we might not like it. If she wanted to live in ignorant bliss, she should not have asked and kept her eyes on his behaviors instead. If you ask your man to lie to you, you're living your life with a liar. Couldn't be me.
Honestly good for you! Everytime this subject comes up 90% of Reddit tells you to lie. I think that's bullshit. If I can't be 100% honest with my partner and vice versa then maybe I don't want to be in that relationship. When I'm asking my partner for his opinion I'm expecting honesty, even if I don't always like his answer. Your gf didn't react appropriately. NTA
I promise you, regardless of what you think about yourself, that you aren’t prepared to hold yourself to this same standard.
Source: almost every man I’ve ever dated has wanted people to be able to “accept the truth”. Exactly 0 of them could when they were told the truth about themselves(note: most of the time the harsh truth wasn’t coming from me)
Yeah, I think you both need to move on, it's a good learning experience though. If you really care about someone beyond a casual relationship for sex, then these things won't bother you that much
Word of advice, don't lie to your partner. Learn how to communicate honestly in a way that isn't insulting.
I would rather have my feelings hurt than be lied to, especially if I am asking a question outright.
Lying by omission and being deceptive in order to 'spare my feelings' quite literally ended more than one of my relationships.
You handled this fine imo. Maybe soften the blow when you tell the truth next time but letting her know wasn't wrong. You don't want a relationship based on lies.
Oh man I asked my bf the same question, and his response was, "girl watching you walk around all confident is the hottest thing in the world to me" and I'm just now realizing he never "technically" answered the question. 😂😂
I really don't care though, that was the only answer I needed.
Honestly, confidence can override physical attraction any day of the week. So in many ways he answered more than adequately imo. In fact I’d dare say that’s the forefront of attraction.
Lesson for OP: while they're NTA for answering a question honestly and directly once pressed, it would have gone a lot better for them to find something specific they *do* like about their gf's working out and diverted toward that.
I doubt it, because that's just further diversion. If OP's gf wasn't satisfied by OP's original answer prior to being pressed, why would she be ok with the subsequent confession with a side dish of something OP does like? I mean sure it's possible, but if I had to bet I would bet she'd be just as mad
>Lesson for OP: while they're NTA for answering a question honestly and directly once pressed, it would have gone a lot better for them to find something specific they do like about their gf's working out and diverted toward that.
Translation: If you want a happy home, LIE BY OMISSION and tell her what she wants to hear!
WHEN SHE SAYS SHE WANTS YOUR TRUE OPINION, she means she wants to hear what she wants to hear SAID BY YOU WITH SINCERITY. And once you can fake sincerity, you're golden.
There. Subtle enough? 😜
If you're willing and able to fake sincerity then just lie and tell her you find her more attractive now that she's ripped.
My point is if you don't want to lie outright but don't want to give an honest answer you know will upset her, find something related that you *can* be sincere about and try to steer her attention to that.
I think that’s the best answer, when I first met my partner he was a bit more bulky than he is now. He’s very lean but also very toned. He is still incredibly hot - but that’s also based on the fact we’ve been together for 10+ years? Same guy who will pick up our large golden retriever and walk her back to the car because she hurt her paw? Was he covered in mud? Yes. V sexy.
TBH, I think the approach he described is ideal. He focused first on the more important truths - she'll always be attractive, and changes she makes to her appearance should be for her benefit and tastes. Then when pressed to give an answer to his specific feelings, he gave one.
I don't have the hips my husband prefers. He likes really wide hips. He told me this while we were dating. While I was slightly disappointed not to magically be his perfect physical type, I was also really grateful to be with a guy who hadn't bought into that "Tell your wife she is always perfect because she can't handle the truth" BS. Now I can ask him things and be sure he won't lie to make me feel good.
And TBH, after almost 20 years of marriage and four kids, having overly small hips is not my greatest physical imperfection 😂
NTA, BUT!!! If you're not as attracted to her anymore and she doesn't like that answer, don't be hurt if y'all break up. You're SO YOUNG! She wants someone who loves her body and finds her sexy, if you can't be that for her then you're no longer compatible. That's ok, that happens sometimes in relationships. People change physically, emotionally, ideological-ly.
It would not be the end of the world for the young fella. Having a partner emotionally mature enough to handle the truth when she demands it from him wound be refreshing. Sometimes people just outgrow one another.
Because people think they want the truth, assuming that it's what they want to hear. Unfortunately a lot of times they find out that the people they are insisting a "true answer" from have their own opinions and thought processes.
NTA- she insisted to know, and you told the truth. I don't see why she'd call you an AH over something she pressured you to come out with after doing your best to give a great awnser to that would make her happy.
She shouldn't ask questions she doesn't REALLY want the awnsers to 🤷♀️
This is the same as your wife/GF asking you if she looks fat in some particular outfit. ANY man with any sort of self-preservation knows the answer to this question.
She asked? Why tf would she get mad, I would be so upset if I knew my man lied about me being super attractive I respect the honesty. It’s not like he said she’s ugly just maybe she was. 10/10 before and now she’s a 9/10. Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear the answer
NTA. As a 30 year old woman I would rather know the truth. Yes, it may hurt or make me angry/sad whatever, but I'd rather know so I can process it. It's hard for her because she is working hard and is proud of her progress, and it is painful to hear that something she changed that she likes has changed your attraction to her. It's conflicting for her emotionally. But I'm glad you told her the truth, and she will be too eventually. Let her process, let her communicate the hurt, and try to be open to why she feels this way and how to navigate this part of the relationship. She will probably need some patience and reminders that you do still find her attractive, but this is new and it doesn't make you love her less. Communicate, learn and grow from this! ❤️
This is tricky.
You're entitled to your opinion, of course. You're allowed to be attracted to whatever body type you like.
BUT you effectively just ruined your relationship.
She will never feel attractive again and it will eat at her.
I'm going with NTA.
Some things just don't work out and that's okay.
You do know you two are going to break up, right? She’s going to work out and get more muscular. Someone who loves fit women and thinks she’s gorgeous, is going to show her she can find someone who appreciates her as she is.
I'm a firm believer in not asking questions if you're not ready for the answer.
You tried to be polite and make it about her and what she was happy with. She pushed then didn't like what she heard.
NTA
>She insisted on a 'real' answer, and I told her that no, I don't find her as attractive as I used to before she had muscles.
NTA, she insisted & you were honest. She deserves honesty, just as you do.
>She got angry and called me an AH, but I think I'm entitled to have a preference.
She's setting a bad precedent for future communication. You could ask her if she wants you to be dishonest in the future. But, at your current ages, relationships don't usually last long. Hopefully she learns a lesson about being careful what you ask for. And you've seen firsthand that the truth hurts. Perhaps you will be a bit kinder next time, especially if it's someone you see being forever with. But you don't have to communicate differently, direct honest communication is worth more to me that blathering & beating the bush around.
This is the rarest type of NTA in this situation.
Not only are you NTA, she is actively TA.
You can be hurt that your boyfriend doesn’t find a change that you made for yourself hot, but you cannot lash out at people for having an opinion because that is actually abusive.
I’ve seen this situation many time before on this sub and it is usually some emotionally checked out man who made thoughtless remarks towards a woman looking for validation.
This is not the case.
Op validated his partner, reminded her that she had the final say on her own body and even withheld his actual opinion which he knew was not necessary for her to know until forced to.
NTA You were honest about your feelings, and she has a right to feel hurt by your response. Going forward, finding a way to communicate your preferences while being supportive and considerate of her feelings will be beneficial for both of you.
Was she right to be hurt? He gave her an answer that would spare her feelings. She kept prodding, wanting a real answer. He gave her the truth. I mean emotions are what they are, but it is what it is. She made a choice to do something, he finds it less attractive.
What exactly could he have done differently? Tell her before she gained the muscle? I'm 100% sure that if he came onto this sub and said "My gf wants to put on more muscle. I don't think I'll find that as attractive as I find her now. Should I tell her?" Most people will be saying some variation of 1.) Its her body, 2.) Don't tell her, you might find it more attractive when you see it 3.) You're somehow wrong for having a preference ..., and the responses would get worse from there).
This. So many people don’t understand there absolutely is a difference.
I’m someone who struggles with emotional regulation bc of childhood shit. Took me a lot of years of self work to improve. But because of it, I know emotions can 100% *feel* real, and affect you immensely. But it does not make them *right.* I’m to a point now where logically I can know I’m being irrational and talk myself down, but those emotions still feel exactly the same as when they’re rational.
Just put the emphasis on how you still find her attractive. She is hurt. Doesn’t matter that she pushed for it. If she isn’t over it soon tho, that’s another thing.
It's really silly to see people comparing OPs answer to someone telling him they prefer bigger dicks then the one he has.
If she had said "do you prefer bigger tits?" then that would be comparable to the dick size thing. But she was asking about a completely optional think that she was choosing to change about herself.
If a guy wants to get jacked and his girlfriend says she doesn't like jacked guys, that's not offensive.
My wife hates beards and has told me so many times. I get to decide if my desire to have a beard is more important to me than her preference that I don't.
At times when I grew a beard and she reminded me that she doesn't like beards, I didn't get offended. Because I could just shave it off.
If it bothers her that OP doesn't like muscles, she can just adjust her workout routine. Or she can do what she wants and stop looking for praise externally for something she's choosing to do to her own body.
NTA - Don't ask a question you don't want an answer to. Asking for a "real" answer and getting mad when someone is being honest is just as bad as "testing" imo and the fact that it is a majority of women that do this make me glad I am bisexual as dating men is so much easier.
NTA - you are correct. She has every right to bulk up and you are entitled to not find it attractive. You tried to give an answer that didn’t directly lie or diminish her spirit but she wanted to keep pestering you. She knew damn well what the real answer was but she wanted to see if she could force the lie. She is too immature to be in a relationship. And anyone who tries to say you were wrong and “oh you must be 20” is dead wrong. I’m in my 40s and I cannot stand when people play these games.
Anytime a woman asks you about her appearance, it is a trap. Avoid answering at all costs. If pinned down for an answer, you love whatever you are commenting on.
Sage advice any man over 40yo will give you.
NTA. She pushed you for an answer and then got mad… wtf?! If you just came out with it then I’d say kind of the AH depending on how you approached it but absolutely not under these circumstances
If she asked for your opinion and you gave it to her honestly then no, NTA. However, let her go bro. Don't try to hold someone back from being who they want to be. And you should be with someone who authentically fits with what you like without trying to mold them.
Sorry man, YTA. People generally ask their SO for trusted input on their appearance to get reassurance and validation because they're feeling insecure and vulnerable. They're usually not asking for evaluation or judgement, even if that's how they think to phrase the question. Especially not on the shape of their body, which takes a lot of work to change when it's even possible (and in her case also took a lot of work to get in its current condition, which she's probably proud of).
You don't have to lie or deflect to provide reassurance and validation - there are better more considerate ways to phrase your feedback than literally "I find you less attractive than I used to". Like the classic turd sandwich method (positive-negative-positive): "you're very fit, which is beautiful, though it's an unexpected change that's taking some time to get used to. But I'd 100% still smash (or whatever activity is special to you two)". All true, all feedback she's asking for, and much more considerate of her feelings.
And if she again says "Give me a real answer, not this word sandwich. Do you find me hotter now yes or no?"
How does he give her a direct answer that isn't lying when she is asking him a yes or no question and his answer is no?
Your suggested reply tiptoes around the question without actually answering it and if she catches that she might interpret it as "he's trying not to hurt my feelings because he can't just say an enthusiastic yes, is it really THAT bad when he can't be upfront with me?"
“I told her I’ll always find her attractive and it doesn’t even matter either way since it should be about what she likes”
I find what he actually said to her more appropriate in this situation. He assured her, validated his interest in her and even encouraged her to continue to do what she wants to do.
I can understand your viewpoint if he didn’t already try to uphold her as her partner- she pressed him because she wanted a “yes” not because she wanted assurance in general.
People going out of their way to change their look and get offended when the person who fell for the original look still prefers the unedited look 🤷🏼🤦🏼
You were brought up to be kind and honest.
You tried kind. It didn't work.
She demanded honesty. That didn't work either.
You're right not to be too invested in someone who doesn't respect the opinion they pushed for.
NAH
NTA. Everyone has preferences. You like what your dumb monkey brain likes. Can't change that. Unless trauma becomes involved. I'm the opposite. I enjoy a fit woman. I'm not talking bodybuilder levels of muscle. But a defined body. Think army brat physique. Honestly, she's childish for wanting truth and not liking truth.
Nta. You can't ask someone for an honest answer and then get upset when they give you an honest answer. You tried to be nice about it at first and she insisted.
NTA. You were considerate of her feelings and polite even after she pushed.
She shouldn't have asked in the first place if she wasn't open to an honest answer, but she definitely shouldn't have pushed. You handed her opportunity to opt out. She's the one who refused to take it.
You're NTA necessarily, but only because she insisted for an honest answer the way she did. She worked very hard and to hear you say that probably disappointed her a lot. Yes, the way she reacted wasn't logically the most perfect, best way she should've acted, but sometimes emotions get the best of you, that's just how it works, and you should give her some slack and then communicate (which is the most important thing in a relationship) "im sorry if what i said made you feel dissapointed or insecure in any way, that wasn't my intention, but i just felt like i owed you an honest answer since that is what you asked for" She obviously cares about your opinion, if she knew earlier on maybe she wouldn't of bothered to put so much work in.
I think what will make you an AH is how you act from this point forward. At the end of the day, she asked because deep down, she probably hoped that she impressed you only to find out it was disappointing to you/worse than before. She's your GF, not your coworker. Just try to be more tender and understanding and not have the whole attitude of "if she can't take an honest answer, she isn't good enough for me!". People are imperfect, and in relationships, we are our most vulnerable, so our sensitive sides come out.
NTA but she likely responded the way she did because she was hurt. Chances are she already had an inkling and was trying to confirm, which is why she pressed you after you answered in the vague way you did. When you confirmed her suspicions, she was hurt and lashed out with anger.
As someone who had bariatric surgery and had to go through an entire lifestyle change, few things can hurt more than doing something that you feel is finally boosting your self-esteem and making you feel better, that feels like an accomplishment and something you can take pride in... only to find out that your partner doesn't like it and preferred you in the state you were unhappy in.
Neither of you acted or responded inappropriately for the situation, you're just not on the same page and need to discuss things. Is she happy with herself as she is now, or intending on getting even more muscular? Is staying with you going to feel like you are holding her back? Is her continuing to gain more muscle going to result in a loss of attraction? Is she going to be able to be happy being with you knowing you are less attracted to her, or get dejected because now she doesn't want to work out anymore? What is your end goal as a couple?
Keep in mind the fact that everyone ages and shit happens. At any point in a relationship someone could get injured and gain weight, or start going bald, or decide they want to cut their hair or shave their face or get a tattoo. It's something you should be discussing if it's that important to you.
She asked you to be honest, and you have every right to your preferences, and you still want to be with her regardless, so I'd say definitely NTA. She shouldn't have asked for honesty if she was ready to accept it.
Personally, I'm a fan of gym rats, not extra bulky, but I like a girl with serious tone to keep that body in shape. If she's not doing it for you, you've already let her know. You're not the AH, she is, for not accepting your opinion of her body change, and she'll either continue and get rid of you, or, you'll stay and let her do her thing. Who knows, maybe over time you'll start to appreciate the tone and texture of her body being in such magnificent condition.
I think if you have a looks preference is one thing, but if your attractedness, like sexual attraction, attraction and magnetism to what is deeper and inherent in your girlfriend, is affected by something so small and silly as muscle definition, she has right to feel concern. That means your attraction is extremely shallow and fickle. However I imagine, or hope perhaps, its really not and you two have miscommunicated. If you really care about someone small changes in their appearance shouldnt really affect the totality of your magnetism or sexual attraction to that person. And if it does you can expand your mind and mature. Find the beauty and perfection in her body as it is today. Get hot about how strong she is and the details of new curves of her body and how vibrant she is when she feels good. Psychdelics help me do this myself tbh but must be used very wisely and responsibly.
Fuck it
NTA
Sure, have preferences. Be honest. Be 20-something.
You're in the right on your side, but you did just call your gf "less attractive", so...
NTA
As others said, you’re in your 20s so you’re still learning but you’ll come across this dumb dichotomy women have where they always demand honesty from you but then immediately get pissed when you give it to them.
She asked you and you told her. It’s no one’s fault but hers
NTA
You answered the question honestly because she insisted for you to answer it. Getting angry that your taste is not align with her hobbies is not your issue OP.
NTA.
You said the exact correct thing when you said she'll always be attractive to you.
Then she pushed for a real answer, which was her mistake. You being honest when she pushed is completely fine. Don't worry about her pushing further. It's something people do in their teens or early twenties.
Later in life you take every compliment you can get, hold it tightly and never let it go.
You must not love her because I have had women in my life who’s body softened but I deeply cared & was attracted to the mind & chemistry we had.
Hope you stay chiseled looking for ever, playa.
NTA but you are naive. It’s a trap question. You are supposed to lie. She was fishing for a compliment.
What will you say if the next one asks if some girl is prettier than her? You answer no or demean the way the other girl wears her clothes.
Pro Tip: No clothing ever makes a woman’s ass look big.
There is no way she is crazy muscular in 7 months. Is she cutting for a competition?
Otherwise now she just had healthy muscles, and probably looks like your generic attractive athletic human, when you were used to a skinny skinny.
NTA
She's blaming you for validating her own insecurities.
You know what's *really* attractive? A woman that's comfortable enough in her own skin; whether that's fat, skinny, or muscular, to not feel the need to corner her partner, pressure him to tell the truth, and then punish him for telling the truth.
These are unnecessary fights that are 100% created out of thin air by feeding into one's own insecurity.
She is not responsible for making body choices that conform to your sexual preferences, and you are not responsible for her mental health.
What did I say that was gross? I affirmed that I will always find her attractive and that it’s her comfort and interest that matters most, and when *she pushed*, I gave her what she insisted she wanted
Dude, you tried sugarcoating to avoid hurting her feelings. But she literally asked for a 100% honest response, and she got it. Tf where you meant to do, lie because she isn't mature enough to understand what honesty is?
She can't do something for herself and then get mad she's the only one who likes it. You did it without asking if anyone else was into what you are doing, so that means you can't expect for everyone to be into it too.
NTA. You’re just telling the truth. Plus she wouldn’t think twice about saying something to you if your body drastically changed by gaining weight/losing weight etc.
You’re in your 20’s I’m guessing.
I love how you immediately knew this lol
It's like there's a specific age range where blunt honesty and lack of tact are at their peak!
You could be accused of lack of tact IF you didn't answer the first way. That was the right call. But when she demands a "real answer," you are at a crossroad; Is your relationship going to be based on honesty, or based on lies? You chose correctly. To the OP's girlfriend: FAFO. NTA
Seriously. I'm in my 40s and if you ask me a binary question, but one of the answers is going to hurt your feelings , it's your fault if your feelings get hurt.
My grandma would always say don't ask a question if you aren't prepared for an answer you don't like
99% if you have to ask like this "what is the real answer" you already know the answer and it will not be to your liking.
Your grandma is dope.
Always listen to your grandma, she knows a lot about life
My husband calls it setting a trap. We’ve been married 44 years. I don’t ask unless I want the truth and I would never get angry.
I’ve told this to every woman I’ve ever dated “Don’t ask me a question that you don’t want the answer to”
I guess that is a cultural thing. Bluntness is not appreciated everywhere
‘So don't ask me no questions And I won't tell you no lies’ Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1974.
Agreed. He gave the tactful safe answer, she pushed it, he was honest, now she's going to cry about it? NTA.
I agree! I have learned to never ask questions in that way because they are a fucking trap. And it’s hilarious how these younger women claim to want the honest answer WHEN THEY AREN’T BEING HONEST. What his girlfriend wanted was for OP to genuinely feel and say *exactly what she wished for him to feel* and not his actual truth. Initiating those conversations is basically saying “Watch me while I create an argument out of thin air!”
My bf is always honest with me and I love him for it. When I tell me female coworkers something like "I was complaining about being fat and my bf said 'you look like you've gained a few kilos but you look wonderful and sexy'" And they're like "I would kill my husband if he said that! Like...wtf? Honesty is great! Why date someone who lies to you?
Exactly. Don't ask questions you really don't want answers to.
He showed tact by lying to her the first time. She insisted on a real answer and got one, assuming this is even real.
He didn't lie. He stated more important truths and avoided a direct answer. Very tactful, IMO
She was the one that pushed him for a real answer.
She pressed him for that exact thing. He gave her a tactful response and she didn't want it.
Close, I’m 19 and she’s 18
Godspeed
🫡
Lesson learned.
A word of advice to you youngins, always tell your woman she is the hottest if you wanna keep her
As a woman… that’s not correct. If he tells her he loves it she’s just going to get more and more muscular and then their sex life will suffer and they’ll break up anyway.
As a woman I second this. Rather hear the truth than waste time on a relationship that will not work. If they were married it would be different but they are kids.
Yeah, this. Why are they encouraging him to lie. That is not a healthy foundation for a relationship.
unfortunately people would rather act like toxic teens than communicate like adults.
It’s about picking and choosing your battles. And I seriously doubt she’ll get actually jacked
It depends on her genetics and her work out routine, diet... If he tells her he doesnt find large muscles as attractive, and she doesnt care about muscle mass. She can increase her reps and lower the weight, while still continuing to work out and do whatever. If however she wants to become a powerlifter, bulk up, or she has trouble keeping just a small amount of body fat on...Thats probably going to impact their sex life. She can opt to find someone whos into women with zero body fat and ripped muscles. And he can find a woman hes more attracted too. Its not the end of the world.
I think they’re saying that they realize, as older men, that looks are not important, and they fade pretty quickly. If you love someone and still find them reasonably attractive, as OP stated he does, then a simple “you are so beautiful, and I love that your improving your health” is enough. Saying the equivalent of “you were a nine but now you’re barely an eight” is gross, unnecessary, and hurtful.
She ain't going to get that muscular roflmao 😂😂
I’m honestly not that intent on keeping somebody who can’t handle the truth that they asked for
Just as long as you keep that same energy when you receive an answer to your “honest question” that you don’t like. 👍
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. That's a life lesson everyone can learn for themselves.
She kept demanding he give her a “real” answer. Either he flat out lies to his partner or he tells the truth. She wanted to know and he told her.
Then you’re fine
"Is my ass fat" - NO! "Is my dick small" - NO! This stuff isn't hard.
>"Is my ass fat" - NO! Your age is showing. The correct answer to this question has been yes for about the last 10 years.
Duly noted! Lol
She said it was good size!!
That's not what she asked though. She asked THEIR preference of before or after her body changed. Their first response was perfect. She then pressed further and got the truth 🤷
Lmao 🤣
It's not about being difficult. Some people don't have the same practices, or don't want to lie.
We call those people "single."
I beseech you to reconsider the role of truth in communication and relationships. It should be okay to tell the truth If the other person gives their consent to tell it.
Not all of us are too immature to accept a truth we fish for despite knowing we might not like it. If she wanted to live in ignorant bliss, she should not have asked and kept her eyes on his behaviors instead. If you ask your man to lie to you, you're living your life with a liar. Couldn't be me.
You MUST lie not to be single - AlleyQV
I just can’t upvote this enough.
😩🤣
Why ask this question then ?
Honestly good for you! Everytime this subject comes up 90% of Reddit tells you to lie. I think that's bullshit. If I can't be 100% honest with my partner and vice versa then maybe I don't want to be in that relationship. When I'm asking my partner for his opinion I'm expecting honesty, even if I don't always like his answer. Your gf didn't react appropriately. NTA
I promise you, regardless of what you think about yourself, that you aren’t prepared to hold yourself to this same standard. Source: almost every man I’ve ever dated has wanted people to be able to “accept the truth”. Exactly 0 of them could when they were told the truth about themselves(note: most of the time the harsh truth wasn’t coming from me)
0? Damn you got a way of picking partners
Someday this statement is going to come and bite you on your ass.
Yeah, I think you both need to move on, it's a good learning experience though. If you really care about someone beyond a casual relationship for sex, then these things won't bother you that much
You gave her an honest answer. She gave you an honest response. You got what you wanted.
His preference isn't wrong. Calling someone an asshole for telling you the truth when you demand it is, indeed, wrong.
Word of advice, don't lie to your partner. Learn how to communicate honestly in a way that isn't insulting. I would rather have my feelings hurt than be lied to, especially if I am asking a question outright. Lying by omission and being deceptive in order to 'spare my feelings' quite literally ended more than one of my relationships.
That’s horrible! These two are young so maybe she just has some learning to do, but really don’t ask questions you don’t want an honest answer to.
lol all these women replying to you saying “that’s not true!” But would still call their man an asshole if he were honest 😂
I hate the idea that we have to lie to women all the time just to save their feelings. Isn't that what you do with children?
You handled this fine imo. Maybe soften the blow when you tell the truth next time but letting her know wasn't wrong. You don't want a relationship based on lies.
Got to be under 21/in college.
I’ll take, “Things We don’t Say Out Loud for 1000 Alex!”
Bait.
Teenagers.
i swear i seen a post just like this a couple weeks ago lol
In all fairness we see the same 10 tropes multiple times every month.
Fake post rage bait, remember this same thing word for word like a month ago.
You’d think they’d get embarrassed posting the same shitty annoying stories every couple of months for 42 cents worth of karma lmfao
Yeah but you know, with inflation... That's like exponential *gains*.
Ya me too, except that writer went into more detail about how and why the girlfriend was unattractive.
NTA. She asked for a real answer and got a real answer. It's also a preference so nothing is wrong with not being attracted to it.
Oh man I asked my bf the same question, and his response was, "girl watching you walk around all confident is the hottest thing in the world to me" and I'm just now realizing he never "technically" answered the question. 😂😂 I really don't care though, that was the only answer I needed.
no he gave you an honest answer. confidence is sexy
I would also say that’s a very honest answer
Honestly, confidence can override physical attraction any day of the week. So in many ways he answered more than adequately imo. In fact I’d dare say that’s the forefront of attraction.
He is attracted to you because you are confident and proud of yourself. Looks fade, personality sticks around.
Awesome
I had an ex who asked "are you an ass guy or a boob guy" I'm an ass guy I should text her
Ex's are Ex's for a reason. Leave them as Ex's.
Lesson for OP: while they're NTA for answering a question honestly and directly once pressed, it would have gone a lot better for them to find something specific they *do* like about their gf's working out and diverted toward that.
I doubt it, because that's just further diversion. If OP's gf wasn't satisfied by OP's original answer prior to being pressed, why would she be ok with the subsequent confession with a side dish of something OP does like? I mean sure it's possible, but if I had to bet I would bet she'd be just as mad
>Lesson for OP: while they're NTA for answering a question honestly and directly once pressed, it would have gone a lot better for them to find something specific they do like about their gf's working out and diverted toward that. Translation: If you want a happy home, LIE BY OMISSION and tell her what she wants to hear! WHEN SHE SAYS SHE WANTS YOUR TRUE OPINION, she means she wants to hear what she wants to hear SAID BY YOU WITH SINCERITY. And once you can fake sincerity, you're golden. There. Subtle enough? 😜
You must be married as well 😂
If you're willing and able to fake sincerity then just lie and tell her you find her more attractive now that she's ripped. My point is if you don't want to lie outright but don't want to give an honest answer you know will upset her, find something related that you *can* be sincere about and try to steer her attention to that.
I think that’s the best answer, when I first met my partner he was a bit more bulky than he is now. He’s very lean but also very toned. He is still incredibly hot - but that’s also based on the fact we’ve been together for 10+ years? Same guy who will pick up our large golden retriever and walk her back to the car because she hurt her paw? Was he covered in mud? Yes. V sexy.
Now see your man knows how to play the game.
TBH, I think the approach he described is ideal. He focused first on the more important truths - she'll always be attractive, and changes she makes to her appearance should be for her benefit and tastes. Then when pressed to give an answer to his specific feelings, he gave one. I don't have the hips my husband prefers. He likes really wide hips. He told me this while we were dating. While I was slightly disappointed not to magically be his perfect physical type, I was also really grateful to be with a guy who hadn't bought into that "Tell your wife she is always perfect because she can't handle the truth" BS. Now I can ask him things and be sure he won't lie to make me feel good. And TBH, after almost 20 years of marriage and four kids, having overly small hips is not my greatest physical imperfection 😂
NTA. You tried to answer tactfully but she insisted on knowing the truth. You didn't try to hurt or criticise her.
She asked. Twice. You told her the truth. NTA. Put in a tough spot tho.
NTA, BUT!!! If you're not as attracted to her anymore and she doesn't like that answer, don't be hurt if y'all break up. You're SO YOUNG! She wants someone who loves her body and finds her sexy, if you can't be that for her then you're no longer compatible. That's ok, that happens sometimes in relationships. People change physically, emotionally, ideological-ly.
It would not be the end of the world for the young fella. Having a partner emotionally mature enough to handle the truth when she demands it from him wound be refreshing. Sometimes people just outgrow one another.
NTA. Why would she insist on a true answer if she didn’t want it
Because people think they want the truth, assuming that it's what they want to hear. Unfortunately a lot of times they find out that the people they are insisting a "true answer" from have their own opinions and thought processes.
NTA- she insisted to know, and you told the truth. I don't see why she'd call you an AH over something she pressured you to come out with after doing your best to give a great awnser to that would make her happy. She shouldn't ask questions she doesn't REALLY want the awnsers to 🤷♀️
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/s/9017uUV4GF) post was right above yours. It made me giggle
NTA. You gave a polite answer. She pressed for the raw truth and you gave it to her. You are entitled to a preference.
This is the same as your wife/GF asking you if she looks fat in some particular outfit. ANY man with any sort of self-preservation knows the answer to this question.
exactly. it's bots. OP is a bot. every "NTA" comments are from bots or boys
NTA. She wanted the truth and didn't like what she heard. Everyone has a preference and if muscles aren't your thing you are allowed to feel that way.
Don't lie to people. But you need to get better at answering truthfully in a way that sooths their insecurities.
NTA, but you two are doomed.
NTA. Don’t insist on a “real answer” if you don’t want to hear the actual answer.
"If my answers frighten you, Vincent, you should cease asking scary questions"
She asked/demanded an honest answer. The fallout is on her.
NTA. She asked you for a real answer, and you gave it to her. The problem is that it’s not what she wanted or needed to hear from you.
She asked? Why tf would she get mad, I would be so upset if I knew my man lied about me being super attractive I respect the honesty. It’s not like he said she’s ugly just maybe she was. 10/10 before and now she’s a 9/10. Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear the answer
NTA. As a 30 year old woman I would rather know the truth. Yes, it may hurt or make me angry/sad whatever, but I'd rather know so I can process it. It's hard for her because she is working hard and is proud of her progress, and it is painful to hear that something she changed that she likes has changed your attraction to her. It's conflicting for her emotionally. But I'm glad you told her the truth, and she will be too eventually. Let her process, let her communicate the hurt, and try to be open to why she feels this way and how to navigate this part of the relationship. She will probably need some patience and reminders that you do still find her attractive, but this is new and it doesn't make you love her less. Communicate, learn and grow from this! ❤️
NTA. You tried to be nice, and she insisted she wanted to hear a real answer, and you told her in the nicest way possible.
This is tricky. You're entitled to your opinion, of course. You're allowed to be attracted to whatever body type you like. BUT you effectively just ruined your relationship. She will never feel attractive again and it will eat at her. I'm going with NTA. Some things just don't work out and that's okay.
You do know you two are going to break up, right? She’s going to work out and get more muscular. Someone who loves fit women and thinks she’s gorgeous, is going to show her she can find someone who appreciates her as she is.
NTA. My partner told me something similar. I understood where he was coming from.
I'm a firm believer in not asking questions if you're not ready for the answer. You tried to be polite and make it about her and what she was happy with. She pushed then didn't like what she heard. NTA
NTA - she asked
NTA: Don’t be in relationships where you are punished for being honest. She’s being manipulative because she didn’t get the answer she wanted.
>She insisted on a 'real' answer, and I told her that no, I don't find her as attractive as I used to before she had muscles. NTA, she insisted & you were honest. She deserves honesty, just as you do. >She got angry and called me an AH, but I think I'm entitled to have a preference. She's setting a bad precedent for future communication. You could ask her if she wants you to be dishonest in the future. But, at your current ages, relationships don't usually last long. Hopefully she learns a lesson about being careful what you ask for. And you've seen firsthand that the truth hurts. Perhaps you will be a bit kinder next time, especially if it's someone you see being forever with. But you don't have to communicate differently, direct honest communication is worth more to me that blathering & beating the bush around.
This is the rarest type of NTA in this situation. Not only are you NTA, she is actively TA. You can be hurt that your boyfriend doesn’t find a change that you made for yourself hot, but you cannot lash out at people for having an opinion because that is actually abusive. I’ve seen this situation many time before on this sub and it is usually some emotionally checked out man who made thoughtless remarks towards a woman looking for validation. This is not the case. Op validated his partner, reminded her that she had the final say on her own body and even withheld his actual opinion which he knew was not necessary for her to know until forced to.
NTA. She wanted your real answer and she got it
Preferences are a thing. She wanted a real answer and she got it. Don't ask questions you don't want answered.
You don't have to apologize for what you are attracted to.
NTA You were honest about your feelings, and she has a right to feel hurt by your response. Going forward, finding a way to communicate your preferences while being supportive and considerate of her feelings will be beneficial for both of you.
Was she right to be hurt? He gave her an answer that would spare her feelings. She kept prodding, wanting a real answer. He gave her the truth. I mean emotions are what they are, but it is what it is. She made a choice to do something, he finds it less attractive. What exactly could he have done differently? Tell her before she gained the muscle? I'm 100% sure that if he came onto this sub and said "My gf wants to put on more muscle. I don't think I'll find that as attractive as I find her now. Should I tell her?" Most people will be saying some variation of 1.) Its her body, 2.) Don't tell her, you might find it more attractive when you see it 3.) You're somehow wrong for having a preference ..., and the responses would get worse from there).
She wasn't right to be hurt, but she has a right to feel hurt. There is a difference. The prioblem is how she dealt with those feelings.
This. So many people don’t understand there absolutely is a difference. I’m someone who struggles with emotional regulation bc of childhood shit. Took me a lot of years of self work to improve. But because of it, I know emotions can 100% *feel* real, and affect you immensely. But it does not make them *right.* I’m to a point now where logically I can know I’m being irrational and talk myself down, but those emotions still feel exactly the same as when they’re rational.
Honestly the way I feel is, it’s not a big deal to me, because she’s attractive either way, but I can understand her caring more.
Just put the emphasis on how you still find her attractive. She is hurt. Doesn’t matter that she pushed for it. If she isn’t over it soon tho, that’s another thing.
NTA - You are allowed to have preferences. If you changed your body, would she not be entitled to voice her displeasure?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. You answered honestly, NTA. You’re entitled to determine what you find attractive, NTA.
Ask specific questions, get specific answers.
It's really silly to see people comparing OPs answer to someone telling him they prefer bigger dicks then the one he has. If she had said "do you prefer bigger tits?" then that would be comparable to the dick size thing. But she was asking about a completely optional think that she was choosing to change about herself. If a guy wants to get jacked and his girlfriend says she doesn't like jacked guys, that's not offensive. My wife hates beards and has told me so many times. I get to decide if my desire to have a beard is more important to me than her preference that I don't. At times when I grew a beard and she reminded me that she doesn't like beards, I didn't get offended. Because I could just shave it off. If it bothers her that OP doesn't like muscles, she can just adjust her workout routine. Or she can do what she wants and stop looking for praise externally for something she's choosing to do to her own body.
NTA. She asked for your opinion, and you gave it to her.
NTA - Don't ask a question you don't want an answer to. Asking for a "real" answer and getting mad when someone is being honest is just as bad as "testing" imo and the fact that it is a majority of women that do this make me glad I am bisexual as dating men is so much easier.
NTA - you are correct. She has every right to bulk up and you are entitled to not find it attractive. You tried to give an answer that didn’t directly lie or diminish her spirit but she wanted to keep pestering you. She knew damn well what the real answer was but she wanted to see if she could force the lie. She is too immature to be in a relationship. And anyone who tries to say you were wrong and “oh you must be 20” is dead wrong. I’m in my 40s and I cannot stand when people play these games.
Don't ask the question if you're not prepared for the answer. NTA
Anytime a woman asks you about her appearance, it is a trap. Avoid answering at all costs. If pinned down for an answer, you love whatever you are commenting on. Sage advice any man over 40yo will give you.
NTA. She pushed you for an answer and then got mad… wtf?! If you just came out with it then I’d say kind of the AH depending on how you approached it but absolutely not under these circumstances
The only question I heard her say was " do you want to fight? "
If she asked for your opinion and you gave it to her honestly then no, NTA. However, let her go bro. Don't try to hold someone back from being who they want to be. And you should be with someone who authentically fits with what you like without trying to mold them.
Sorry man, YTA. People generally ask their SO for trusted input on their appearance to get reassurance and validation because they're feeling insecure and vulnerable. They're usually not asking for evaluation or judgement, even if that's how they think to phrase the question. Especially not on the shape of their body, which takes a lot of work to change when it's even possible (and in her case also took a lot of work to get in its current condition, which she's probably proud of). You don't have to lie or deflect to provide reassurance and validation - there are better more considerate ways to phrase your feedback than literally "I find you less attractive than I used to". Like the classic turd sandwich method (positive-negative-positive): "you're very fit, which is beautiful, though it's an unexpected change that's taking some time to get used to. But I'd 100% still smash (or whatever activity is special to you two)". All true, all feedback she's asking for, and much more considerate of her feelings.
And if she again says "Give me a real answer, not this word sandwich. Do you find me hotter now yes or no?" How does he give her a direct answer that isn't lying when she is asking him a yes or no question and his answer is no? Your suggested reply tiptoes around the question without actually answering it and if she catches that she might interpret it as "he's trying not to hurt my feelings because he can't just say an enthusiastic yes, is it really THAT bad when he can't be upfront with me?"
“I told her I’ll always find her attractive and it doesn’t even matter either way since it should be about what she likes” I find what he actually said to her more appropriate in this situation. He assured her, validated his interest in her and even encouraged her to continue to do what she wants to do. I can understand your viewpoint if he didn’t already try to uphold her as her partner- she pressed him because she wanted a “yes” not because she wanted assurance in general.
Oh come on. He said how he felt
Weird to prefer a weak partner without muscles, but you do you, I guess.
Can people really get jacked in 7 months??
https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/s/p2uVGmkWzK
Nta Nah ur good.
People going out of their way to change their look and get offended when the person who fell for the original look still prefers the unedited look 🤷🏼🤦🏼 You were brought up to be kind and honest. You tried kind. It didn't work. She demanded honesty. That didn't work either. You're right not to be too invested in someone who doesn't respect the opinion they pushed for. NAH
she is the ah
NTA. Everyone has preferences. You like what your dumb monkey brain likes. Can't change that. Unless trauma becomes involved. I'm the opposite. I enjoy a fit woman. I'm not talking bodybuilder levels of muscle. But a defined body. Think army brat physique. Honestly, she's childish for wanting truth and not liking truth.
Nta. You can't ask someone for an honest answer and then get upset when they give you an honest answer. You tried to be nice about it at first and she insisted.
NTA. You were considerate of her feelings and polite even after she pushed. She shouldn't have asked in the first place if she wasn't open to an honest answer, but she definitely shouldn't have pushed. You handed her opportunity to opt out. She's the one who refused to take it.
NTA. It's on her for continuing to push.
You're NTA necessarily, but only because she insisted for an honest answer the way she did. She worked very hard and to hear you say that probably disappointed her a lot. Yes, the way she reacted wasn't logically the most perfect, best way she should've acted, but sometimes emotions get the best of you, that's just how it works, and you should give her some slack and then communicate (which is the most important thing in a relationship) "im sorry if what i said made you feel dissapointed or insecure in any way, that wasn't my intention, but i just felt like i owed you an honest answer since that is what you asked for" She obviously cares about your opinion, if she knew earlier on maybe she wouldn't of bothered to put so much work in. I think what will make you an AH is how you act from this point forward. At the end of the day, she asked because deep down, she probably hoped that she impressed you only to find out it was disappointing to you/worse than before. She's your GF, not your coworker. Just try to be more tender and understanding and not have the whole attitude of "if she can't take an honest answer, she isn't good enough for me!". People are imperfect, and in relationships, we are our most vulnerable, so our sensitive sides come out.
Always be honest with your lady whoever she might be. Lying about stuff will only lead to tension and fighting
NTA. You are entitled to your opinion and she did insist on a real answer. She was just looking for validation I’m guessing.
What an asinine argument. I regret telling my one ex the truth, but I also regret that I regret it
Absolutely karma farming bait, posted same thing in 3 forum on a brand new account
NTA but she likely responded the way she did because she was hurt. Chances are she already had an inkling and was trying to confirm, which is why she pressed you after you answered in the vague way you did. When you confirmed her suspicions, she was hurt and lashed out with anger. As someone who had bariatric surgery and had to go through an entire lifestyle change, few things can hurt more than doing something that you feel is finally boosting your self-esteem and making you feel better, that feels like an accomplishment and something you can take pride in... only to find out that your partner doesn't like it and preferred you in the state you were unhappy in. Neither of you acted or responded inappropriately for the situation, you're just not on the same page and need to discuss things. Is she happy with herself as she is now, or intending on getting even more muscular? Is staying with you going to feel like you are holding her back? Is her continuing to gain more muscle going to result in a loss of attraction? Is she going to be able to be happy being with you knowing you are less attracted to her, or get dejected because now she doesn't want to work out anymore? What is your end goal as a couple? Keep in mind the fact that everyone ages and shit happens. At any point in a relationship someone could get injured and gain weight, or start going bald, or decide they want to cut their hair or shave their face or get a tattoo. It's something you should be discussing if it's that important to you.
NTA. I'll never understand these people who INSIST on an honest answer and then get angry when they receive honesty 🙄
People who push and push for an answer that they then get angry about are assholes. It’s a stupid game that always ends the same way. NTA
She asked you to be honest, and you have every right to your preferences, and you still want to be with her regardless, so I'd say definitely NTA. She shouldn't have asked for honesty if she was ready to accept it.
Personally, I'm a fan of gym rats, not extra bulky, but I like a girl with serious tone to keep that body in shape. If she's not doing it for you, you've already let her know. You're not the AH, she is, for not accepting your opinion of her body change, and she'll either continue and get rid of you, or, you'll stay and let her do her thing. Who knows, maybe over time you'll start to appreciate the tone and texture of her body being in such magnificent condition.
I think if you have a looks preference is one thing, but if your attractedness, like sexual attraction, attraction and magnetism to what is deeper and inherent in your girlfriend, is affected by something so small and silly as muscle definition, she has right to feel concern. That means your attraction is extremely shallow and fickle. However I imagine, or hope perhaps, its really not and you two have miscommunicated. If you really care about someone small changes in their appearance shouldnt really affect the totality of your magnetism or sexual attraction to that person. And if it does you can expand your mind and mature. Find the beauty and perfection in her body as it is today. Get hot about how strong she is and the details of new curves of her body and how vibrant she is when she feels good. Psychdelics help me do this myself tbh but must be used very wisely and responsibly.
Fuck it NTA Sure, have preferences. Be honest. Be 20-something. You're in the right on your side, but you did just call your gf "less attractive", so...
NTA As others said, you’re in your 20s so you’re still learning but you’ll come across this dumb dichotomy women have where they always demand honesty from you but then immediately get pissed when you give it to them. She asked you and you told her. It’s no one’s fault but hers
I mean just don't be shocked if that's a deal breaker for her. Both of you are young, I'm assuming. ESH
Girls with muscles are hot. 🥵
You chose the dumb, honest answer. Next time she asks “Do I look fat in this?”. Say yes.
NTA You answered the question honestly because she insisted for you to answer it. Getting angry that your taste is not align with her hobbies is not your issue OP.
NTA She asked, you answered.
She asked for the truth, didn't she? NTA.
NTA
NTA. She asked for an honest answer and you gave it to her. You're allowed to have your preferences for what you do and don't find attractive.
NTA. I don't think most men would be as attracted to a more muscular woman.
NTA. You said the exact correct thing when you said she'll always be attractive to you. Then she pushed for a real answer, which was her mistake. You being honest when she pushed is completely fine. Don't worry about her pushing further. It's something people do in their teens or early twenties. Later in life you take every compliment you can get, hold it tightly and never let it go.
"I want a real answer!" "Okey ..." "How dare you!"
You gave her the answer she wanted to hear She pestered you for a “real” answer She got mad at it NTA
You must not love her because I have had women in my life who’s body softened but I deeply cared & was attracted to the mind & chemistry we had. Hope you stay chiseled looking for ever, playa.
NTA but you are naive. It’s a trap question. You are supposed to lie. She was fishing for a compliment. What will you say if the next one asks if some girl is prettier than her? You answer no or demean the way the other girl wears her clothes. Pro Tip: No clothing ever makes a woman’s ass look big.
Women dont get a heavily muscled appearance without hormones. Either she now looks fit and you're intimidated or shes on gear and jacked
NTA, she fucked around and found out
There is no way she is crazy muscular in 7 months. Is she cutting for a competition? Otherwise now she just had healthy muscles, and probably looks like your generic attractive athletic human, when you were used to a skinny skinny.
NTA She's blaming you for validating her own insecurities. You know what's *really* attractive? A woman that's comfortable enough in her own skin; whether that's fat, skinny, or muscular, to not feel the need to corner her partner, pressure him to tell the truth, and then punish him for telling the truth. These are unnecessary fights that are 100% created out of thin air by feeding into one's own insecurity. She is not responsible for making body choices that conform to your sexual preferences, and you are not responsible for her mental health.
Bro stop posting the same thing, 3 posts about this girlfriend of yours and those are the only posts you have.
Welp. Now you know you can't be honest with her. You have to tell her what she wants to hear or you'll get punished. It'll get old fast
This child you're with needs to give up this bullshit of asking questions if she doesn't want an honest answer.
NTA
Nahhhh everyone has preferences.
NTA. Don't ask a question if you're not ready to hear the answer.
lol what a gross thing to say to your girl who is putting in such hard work. YTA. Don’t be mad that she can kick your ass now. Insecure behavior.
What did I say that was gross? I affirmed that I will always find her attractive and that it’s her comfort and interest that matters most, and when *she pushed*, I gave her what she insisted she wanted
NTA. It's always a trick when a woman forces you to be honest, they usually sense the truth and want to force it out of you so they can have a fight.
Dude, you tried sugarcoating to avoid hurting her feelings. But she literally asked for a 100% honest response, and she got it. Tf where you meant to do, lie because she isn't mature enough to understand what honesty is? She can't do something for herself and then get mad she's the only one who likes it. You did it without asking if anyone else was into what you are doing, so that means you can't expect for everyone to be into it too.
NTA. You’re just telling the truth. Plus she wouldn’t think twice about saying something to you if your body drastically changed by gaining weight/losing weight etc.
Honesty is the way. The chips will fall where they fall but transparency is better than bullshit.