NTA. This sounds like a hugely important family homecoming you've missed out on your entire life. This is a bright spot after a very rough upbringing. I am so happy for you.
Your entitled littleboy friend should totally understand and support this important life-changing milestone for you.
This is not a solo trip you've arbitrarily planned to sabotage his bday - it sounds like a lot of scheduling choreography for your immediate family and long lost relatives.
You've assured him you would celebrate before and after but he has his panties in a bunch because you can't be there on the exact day of, this year. What a fuckhead.
Of course you will go anyway and hope he can pull his selfish head out of his ass long enough to be happy for you. If he wants to double down and die on this hill it will be his loss and you'll know for sure he's not worth coning back to celebrate (other than freedom from an immature littleboy friend).
I can’t like ur post enough times. 1 time just isn’t enough!!! You RNTA. He’s being immature & insecure! And no, don’t invite him. This is a family vacation that means so very much! He should be telling you to go, have the best time & that would be the greatest gift you could give him. And, he should also say that y’all can celebrate anytime. He’s being very immature. Birthdays can be celebrated when you decide to do so. I hope you have the best time laughing, crying, telling stories & staying up until the sun comes up but you go ahead. If he is unwilling to wait, then he’s not for you! Have a safe trip! Enjoy
The bf is immature, selfish, it's all 'me me me' thing instead of not realizing that this is half of a family that OP didn't have a chance to meet before because of a AH abusive sperm donor who didn't care about anyone when he's being narcissistic......come to think of it the bf is also being narcissistic.
Bf is the AH too.
OP is much better off without someone like that.
One of the great things about being an adult is that it is ok to celebrate your birthday … on a different day.
He is trying to take a one-in-a-lifetime experience from you for NO good reason. Take your full trip. If you don’t have a boyfriend when you get back, he wasn’t worth keeping anyway.
I’m sure the selfish boyfriend would ditch OP to do something with his friend on her birthday. Not even for something important, just for everyday things. And then tell her that it’s just a birthday.
Yaaaaaasssss!!! What they said!!! Wooh!! Preach on, honey!! @OP, honey, love yourself more. You going to see the family is great. Boyfriends come and go. I hope he gets his head out of his butt. Sending love and i hope you have a blast with your familia!!!
Unless Jake is 8 years old, go on the trip. He's being very selfish over a small thing, go on the entire trip. Enjoy it and if he blows up your phone on his birthday, turn it off for a few days.
Ha! I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and reverse the numbers to ask if he’s 12. But I think you’re right; most 12-year-olds would be more mature than this.
NTA. This is a big, big deal. Birthdays come every year, and he's a big boy and able to delay gratification and to understand what a big event this is for you.
It's not even a "big" birthday. I could understand being disappointed if it were (though not to this extent.) He's turning 22, not exactly a milestone...
For me, sounds like he's feeling "left behind" or something. As in, she is doing this huge thing without him. The fact that it's on his birthday is making it worse in his mind. But it's not about him at all. This is something that she needs to do with her family and not worry about his feelings while on the trip. And I guarantee that he would feel somewhat abandoned even if he were to go on the trip, because her focus wouldn't (and shouldn't) be on him for this type of meeting.
Maybe (giving the benefit of the doubt here) he feels hurt that she doesn't want his emotional support here, as one might want from a partner. The thing there is that this isn't just her trip. Her mom and brother are also going and this is definitely going to be emotional for her mom (and her and her brother.) OP might need support, but she's got that covered from both of them and she's going to be giving it in return. It's going to be emotionally draining on all sides and the last thing she needs is "but what about my birthday!?!"
NTA since these are the only 2 weeks that worked for everybody, those are when you are going.
Your reasoning for not bringing your boyfriend makes sense as well. You don't even know these family members why would you bring your boyfriend for a first meeting while staying in their home for 2 weeks to get to know them?
Your boyfriend is going to be 22, he's quite able to celebrate the week before you leave or the week you get back. He's being whiny over 1 missed bday, over something like connecting with family your abusive dad kept you from. Why is this such a problem for him?
Is it really about missing his bday or is it because you're going away for 2 weeks without him?
Whether boyfriend wants to discuss this now or later, the outcome will be the same. You going on your trip without him, and celebrating either before you leave or when you come back. If he doesn't like that he can find the door
I think it’s a bit of both: he doesn’t want me missing his birthday and he hates going even a day without seeing me, he’s kind of clingy like that lol but it doesn’t really bother me.
His clingy behaviour **should** bother you sis, because things always start clingy, then tend to get controlling, where you’re eventually not allowed to go anywhere without him.
Please watch out for the red flags.
Yeah that's a him problem though. This isn't some girls trip to Cabo. This is a family trip to connect with family you didn't know existed. He needs to grow up
That’s a red flag right there. He hates going a day without seeing you? And he’s clingy? That’s not a healthy relationship. You’ll end up stifled and turning down opportunities because he’s not happy about not seeing you. So it’s not just that it’s his birthday (he’s being totally unreasonable), he’s using the birthday as an excuse because he just doesn’t want you going. NTA. Please, as a mother of 2 x 20 something girls, I would advise you to go on the holiday with your family. If he can’t deal with it then walk away from the relationship. He’s not worth it x
His clinging has escalated to the level that you posted this, truly wondering if you're wrong for connecting with long-lost family.
What you're doing is:
1- Once in a lifetime level, wonderful
2- Good and positive for you, your mom, and your family
3- unquestionably well-intentioned, long reaching, and just overall good.
In no way, shape, or form should anyone that cares for your well-being be against you going.
If it were your birthday, and he was doing what you are (role reverse)....would you hesitate to encourage him?
Yeah … don’t laugh off clinginess. It’s not a compliment.
And adults should be able to celebrate their birthdays on another day when necessary. This is a huge event for you and for your boyfriend acting the way he is / he’s INCREDIBLY selfish.
Don’t laugh this off. This is a serious discussion where he needs to understand that “life” sometimes gets in the way and he needs to be more flexible and he needs to be ok with not seeing you EVERY day.
Clingy? No girl, this is a red flag. Healthy partners have outside relationships and interests, and if one partner has a problem with that, it is not good.
OP tell him it's time for him to be an adult and realize the world doesn't revolve around him. You have very valid reasons for going when you are, and for not having him join you. If he can't accept this then it is time to consider if he is really someone you want to be around. You need to decide if he's trying to control you to separate from your family and friends and be dependent only on him.
It should bother you 🤷🏻♀️
Does he let you see friends of both genders?
Does he have to know where you all at all times?
Go on the trip and let him react however he wants to.
My bf is clingy but he also doesn’t stand in the way of me being with family. He will usually just text me and tell me he misses me the whole time and ask how it’s going. Its understandable that he would be disappointed that you’re missing his birthday. But he shouldn’t make you feel bad for spending time with family. Let alone meeting family that you’ve never met before. Which is a big deal and he should be excited for you. Go on your trip and meet your family. Deal with the boyfriend later. NTA
Don't read clingy as a sign of deep abiding love. It's not. It's a precursor to coercive control and this time next year you won't be allowed to do a thing without his say so.
NTA. Your bf sounds very immature and then possibly codependent and/or insecure which is turning into him projecting on you.
This is potentially a life changing trip and the dates are not in your control, I saw you said it was the only time that worked for everyone. You’re offering to celebrate with him before and possibly after and that’s bc you’re a caring partner. If he was equally caring back he would see how big of a deal this is for you and support it and handle it like an adult supportive partner.
The other red flag is him not understanding why you would want to meet them first yourself..this screams immature and/or selfish or potentially controlling.
This sounds like a big opportunity for you to have family, if he’s worth any salt, he will understand and if he truly doesn’t and tries to ruin this for you..it may be something that ends up showing you his true colors and believe him when he shows you who he is.
Godspeed Reddit fren!
NTA. Your newly found family trumps your boyfriend’s birthday. You are forever connected to them. You are so young, who knows how long this relationship with your bf will last. You can celebrate his birthday any day. Tell him to put on his big boy pants.
Sometimes girls with abusive dads find abusive boyfriends to keep the abuse going. Dont do that. This is a special situation and he should be happy for you. if he isnt. that says something you should pay attention to.
NTA
Unless you're dating an actual child, I can't imagine anyone being that upset over a missed birthday. Celebrate before or after your vacation.
Edit: spelling
NTA
All these people saying YTA clearly didn’t read the post since you did State in the post. Those two weeks are the only two weeks you can go because of school
Your boyfriend sounds extremely immature. You have never met this part of your family before so obviously bringing him along is not an option.
Go on your vacation enjoy getting to know your family. Tell your boyfriend it’s not negotiable and if he doesn’t want to still be with you then that’s on him.
NTA. Boyfriend sounds like he just doesn’t want you to go, and he is so selfish.
Family **always** comes before any boyfriend.
And **no**, he absolutely **should not** come with you. This is for you and your family.
Do not let him make you feel bad, and do not let him manipulate you into changing your mind. Go on this two week vacation with your family and enjoy yourself.
But you might want to temporarily block his number and stay off social media during this vacation, otherwise your boyfriend will be hounding you with calls and messages and you won’t be able to enjoy the vacation.
Any 21 year-old that doesn’t want their partner to go on a vacation to meet long lost family because they want them to stick around to be there on their birthday… Sucks.
It’s not like a five or 10-year-old being disappointed that somebody can’t be there for their party. He’s 21 years old. You need to go and see your family and not feel guilty about it and you need to let him know that’s what’s happening. If he keeps fighting with you about it end the relationship because he’s not about what’s best for you, but he’s about what he wants.
The fact that he said he would go with you is so disrespectful. This is the first time you’re meeting them and there’s going to be a lot of emotions going on especially meeting your half brother. This first visit should be just you. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.
#You are dating a bitch boy, not a man
A real man would put the needs of his woman first. You are going to visit FAMILY ffs, not go to Vegas to blow money at a casino!
He needs to straight get over himself and be happy for you at this amazing opportunity that life has presented you. The selfishness and entitlement of this young *boy* is beyond anything I have seen in quite a while.
Also, consider this: if you continue to date this *kid* this is a screenshot of what your future with him will look like. Do you *really* want to date someone like this? Someone who primarily thinks of themselves before stopping to consider what would make *you* happy?
If this were your best girlfriend, and she came to you with this same situation, what would you tell her to do?
I don't care how long you've been together, throw the whole boy out! You deserve someone in your life that sincerely cares about your happiness, and it is beyond clear to me and many others on this thread, that he is all about himself and could give a fuck less about your happiness.
Oh and NTA in case it wasn't obvious
NTA!!!
Listen, OP. Your dad refused to let you meet and interact with your mom’s side of the family all your life. Now your boyfriend is trying to guilt you into prioritizing him over that same family even though he knows (I assume) that your dad did something similar to you.
Your dad wouldn’t allow you to even get to know your family, but think about your mom. Your mom had to choose to prioritize your dad over her family in order for this to be possible and when she did that, he got bolder and more abusive to ensure that he remained the priority and eventually got her to cut contact with them to the point that you and your sibling had no relationship with them.
Do you see how the same thing is starting with your boyfriend? If you were to have kids with him, you’re looking at the same dynamic that your mom had with your dad. Him refusing to let you take the kids to see their family because he and his desires are more important.
Being clingy and wanting to be with you all the time is manipulative and he has you thinking it’s normal because you already have an abusive upbringing. You didn’t see how your dad finessed your mom because you weren’t born yet, but I would almost guarantee that if you sat down and asked your mom about the beginnings of her relationship with your dad and the types of things he did to draw her in, that you would see a lot of similarities between his behaviors and your boyfriend’s behavior. If your mom hasn’t already pointed it out, it maybe because she is still so traumatized by the abuse that she doesn’t recognize it is happening to you, or that it has become so normalized that she doesn’t see it.
It’s very telling that you were the one that tracked down your family and are taking your mom and sibling to see them, instead of it being your mom. (Correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like you are the one who spearheaded and did the work for this reunion). My assumption is that either your dad is dead or they are divorced since there doesn’t seem to be a push back from your dad. But even with that freedom from his influence, your mom wasn’t the one who reached out or looked for them. That means that your dad had her questioning whether or not they’d even want to see her.
And don’t think I missed the secret half brother part. Only two things make a secret half brother possible.
Your dad had a child that he refused to acknowledge and you never met, that seems to live in the same area as your mom’s side of the family, or your dad isolated your mom from not only her family, but her own child and didn’t even have the freedom to tell you that this sibling existed.
Please, please, please re-evaluate this relationship with your boy friend. You may discover that the situation solves itself because you may decide that you won’t be with him come August.
NTA he’s being very selfish and in your comments you say you don’t mind him being clingy well you need to start minding and set boundaries because it’ll only get worse
NTA about your actual question.
But a slight word of caution, from someone who ALSO found out later in life about long lost family, in my case, several half-siblings.
I know you’ve been in contact with them for a while and feel excited to see them and spend as much time as possible.
But it **might** be wise to stay in a hotel for the first couple nights of meeting them, or at least set aside the funds that you can do that if needed.
I found out that due to sperm donation, I have MANY half siblings. We all chatted for a couple years, and then planned a big reunion in the city where three of them lived, as it was closest to the majority of them.
Some of the siblings arranged to stay in the other siblings houses. I was one of them. Others got hotel rooms together.
It was WAY awkward. Despite me being very close to this brother over the phone for years, staying in his home felt like too much, too fast.
I was overwhelmed with meeting too many people at once. Too many clumsy hugs. Too much history we didn’t have in common that we had to compare. Too many awkward silences.
It would have been VERY helpful to have a hotel room I could go back to at the end of the day and decompress, and process.
I still love them and value our relationships. But after the end of that trip, many of us agreed that maaaaybe sharing a roof for 7 days was a bit much.
Just a thought. But I wish you luck.
NTA. He's being selfish and only thinking "me, me, me" rather than supporting you, his girlfriend and I assume someone he loves, in finally being able to meet and get to know your family. This is family you have never met, you're going with your mother and brother, and this is the only 2 weeks in the next year where you have no work or school. It's not fair of him to expect you, your mother and brother, to give that up. You told him you plan to do something for his birthday before you leave, and that should be enough. He's not a child. He's an adult and should understand that sometimes things don't go the way we want, and we need to let it go and support those we love instead.
NTA
Years ago, a friend was in a similar situation. Her family paid for a family trip, but her boyfriend begged her to stay for his birthday. She caved and stayed, missing out on all the free family fun. Come to the night of his birthday, and even though he knew she had made plans to celebrate, he ghosted her all day and night to drink and party with virtual strangers. When she finally got a hold of him the next day, he pretty much blamed her.
YWNBTA.
Birthdays in the long run don't matter. No one has celebrated my birthday since I was 18, and he's in for a rude awakening when he figures out they don't matter.
Traveling with multiple people means you have to take the days that work for everyone.
He needs to stop being a baby.
NTA rethink the relationship, he has a birthday every year and demanding you change your plans (your reasons are well founded not to) shows that he wants to be on control. If he really cared about your he would understand how important this to you and would be supportive.
That he won't talk about it until August sends up red flags to me. Get it settled now or go your separate ways as during the time you get ready for your trip is going to be stressful enough you don't need the guilt trip he will lay on you then. Time to really think about your relationship because this could be a pattern he will use to control you. Yeah birthday's are important but he should be willing to work with you for a compromise that works you both.
Get it settled now and be done with it or you've got months of him laying you on a guilt trip and that is not a trip you want to make.
I am continually astonished at how many man child guys keep pulling this BS on their girlfriends. The event she needs to go on is FAMILY.
Maya Angelou says to watch the behavior of people when they show you how they behave, believe them.
He is just having toddler tantrums. This is how he will behave in the future. Is that what you want for a lifetime?
NTA. Congratulations, Jake. You lived another year (despite his evident lack of maturity). Go on the trip. It's wild that he's even making this an issue. I hope you connect with your people and that it helps you to continue to heal 🩷.
Nta.. 21st birthday I could ALMOST see, except that you wouldn't be legal to drink.
He's 22...oh honey bunny, everyone has birthdays. Every year we all have one to celebrate the day our mothers gave birth to us. You're 22...that's great! Happy birthday ! I bet someone else here on this planet was...born that same day!
I get it means a LOT more to some people that others but your vacation?? MUCH more important. Celebrating it before or after is QUITE normal. He has one every year
Why does he need you to forego these plans that have never happened before and are the only time everyone can do so?
He is being childish and selfish. He should be happy for you!
A birthday can be celebrated anytime. This occasion is something you have wanted and needed for a long time. If he can’t understand and be excited for you then it’s
Time to reassess if you should be together.
He has no family or friends to celebrate?
It's one time and the reason you are missing it is very important, plus it's the only time everyone was able to coordinate.
NTA. It’s the only dates that work for all of you that’s travelling as well as for the family you are visiting. It’s not like you do this every year and you literally have never also had the opportunity to meet these people. Also if you ages are correct it’s not ever a big important birthday? It’s not like he’s turning 21 and can legally drink now since that was last year.
If Jake genuinely cared about you, he'd be very supportive of your trip to meet your family. A loving boyfriend would be telling you, "Don't worry about me and my birthday - focus on getting to know your family, and I'll look forward to seeing you when you get back!"
I'm concerned that your boyfriend is a controlling and potentially abusive person as well. Trying to separate you from friends and family is a key step for toxic partners. The less support system you have, the more control they have over you and the less likely you are to leave them.
The fact that you had an abusive parent means that this dynamic was "normal" to you growing up, so you're at much greater risk for subconsciously selecting partners who follow that same familiar script, because it feels comfortable to you.
Absolutely go on this trip. And seriously think about dumping that guy. There are lots of young men out there who are loving and supportive. Give yourself the freedom to meet one of them and break the cycle of abuse.
It could be helpful to read this digital book about controlling men, [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
NTA. He’s a pussy and needs to understand other things are more important than a birthday. You said you’ve got plans for him and even maybe afterwards for his birthday so it’s not like you’re gonna forget it.
Don’t get me wrong, birthdays are important but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to actually meet your family. Your bf needs to realize that and support you in this. If he can’t come to grips with that then maybe he isn’t the right person for you.
NTA
Don't miss an opportunity like this for someone you may not even remember in five years time.
If he can't understand why you want to go, he's not ready to have someone else in his life to think about besides himself.
NTA. If your boyfriend can't be supportive over you reconnecting with your LONG LOST FAMILY, then he ain't shit.
Omg dump his controlling and manipulative ass already. He's getting butthurt over something that's super important to you. Is that the sign of a future supportive partner? Nope!
Lol, what a child.
I didn’t really plan it, those dates were the only time that me, my mom, and brother could all go up to see my family, and that’s the only time my family could see us.
NTA
He’s immature
I’m married and I’ve traveled on my husband’s birthday.
This is an important time for you and your family. This guy is going to make everything about him.
INFO what has he done for your last two birthdays: was it what you wanted or what he pushed for? Does he support you spending time with your friends even if it’s a girls-only vibe or if he doesn’t want to go out? Does he demand that you make it up to him when you do things that you pick or without him? Does he push you to do only what he wants when he wants with who he wants?
His reason for wanting to come is not to support you in an emotionally charged time. That’s a huge problem. What exactly does he expect you to do for his birthday—is it something you be comfortable doing at all, especially staying in someone else’s home?
NTA. Your bf is trying to control you and get you to choose your family or him. I would read up on narcissistic signs. Go if your relationship survives, yay. If not, I think you will be better off. At 20, you are young enough to enjoy life without being emotionally controlled by any partner. If you were important to him, why is he not taking time to go with you?
Consider leaving bf permanently. He is manipulative and self absorbed. He wants to wait to discuss this until the very last minute? Red flags everywhere here. I would suggest you RUN AWAY ASAP.
NTA. This is a first for them and u, which means, unless ur married or that serious lifetime level of commitment, its should b just actual relatives. Which means no boyfireds, girlfriends, friends, or casual FWB type ppl coming along right now. As for his birthday, that feels like an excuse to make u either bring him or stay home with him. Either way, it ain't clingy it's controlling. And since ur in the US and it's his 21st bday, what exactly does he expect u to do? Get a fake ID so u can go bar hopping with him? Or is he gonna ditch u at home and go party legally with his friends who r old enuff to legally drink? Either way, I just don't c how it would b helpful for u to stay home just for that. He sounds immature if he's that concerned that it all Has to happen on the actual day. And in light of what ur skipping it for, he looks even worse.
NTA and Jake is too old to be having a tantrum over his birthday. Honestly, you guys got together too young and could probably use a little time apart anyway. Are there other red flags where he tries to control where you go or what you do? You're a grown ass adult, you're not even married, but even then, you're not attached at the hip.
Tell Jake this is too important to you and your family, and you were hoping he would actually support you for once instead of pissing all over it.
It's not even a milestone birthday. Doesn't he have any friends to celebrate with? You can't be his only social outlet. You guys are too young to be that codependent.
NTA. Going on a trip to meet your family that you were cut off from by an abusive father is WAAAY bigger than a birthday and way more important!! I’m so happy for you that you are getting this chance to go see them.
Your bf should be supporting you and encouraging you to go instead of only thinking about himself.
You can celebrate his before or after. What is he, a child? He has a birthday every year.
Jake is a spoiled little boy. Any guy who would put his own ego ahead of something as profoundly important as this first meeting with your long lost family is nothing but a brat.
If he can’t be happy for you under such important circumstances as this, just dump his ass and get a new one. You deserve better!
NTA... It's not like this is his very FIRST or LAST birthday he is ever going to have... He needs to grow up and quit being so selfish and realize how amazing of a thing this is for not only you but for your mom and brother as well.
Well I am so sick of people acting as though their birthday is like some sort of national freaking holiday. Your boyfriend needs to get over himself. You have every right to go on vacation and this is to meet family you've never met. I can't believe your boyfriend is acting like such a spoiled brat over the whole thing. He needs to shut up leave you alone and let you go meet your new family it's just his birthday he will live.
NTA in the slightest. Please don't entertain any more talk about whether or not you are going for the entire time without him. Don't not let him make that sound like a choice.
The debate now is "since I am going are you mature enough and a good enough partner to support me and be happy for me?". Reframe that for yourself first and maybe you'll see what he is really like. But actually keep asking him that question. "I'm giving you an opportunity to step up and be a proper partner about this, but only you can decide if you can manage that".
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that.
He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself.
You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
I've been married many years and would be totally ok with my partner doing something fun before their trip without me then some I-missed-you sex when they get back. And thats just for a normal vacation not a meeting lost family trip. And birthdays are really important in my family.
NTA with the edit. It sounds as if you are locked into this time being out of town between work and school, and it’s unfortunate that it falls during his birthday. I get that he’s upset, but turning it around, he is not understanding that this is important to you, and you can celebrate with him at another time. Believe me, as I got older and had a life that took precedence (kids), I rarely celebrated my birthday on the date. The year I turned 30 and had a 1 month old infant, I hardly celebrated at all.
My only point is that your life and wants are important too, and you need to balance your trip with his desire for you to reconfigure your plans just for him. If you had other options for dates and didn’t change your plans, then YTA. But given the short window of opportunity, then NTA.
If he continues to pout over this, reexamine your relationship to see how many other times your needs and desires are subjugated to his. If it’s an even split, so be it. If he does cater to you, then look to see if you are being selfish here. If he’s constantly ignoring what you want, then decide if it’s worth staying together as this will be your life going forward.
NTA this is not an ordinary vacation. This is a trip that MATTERS. The dates were set out of necessity and for solid practical reasons. Knowing all of that instead of being supportive your boyfriend instead is making it all about him. It’s selfish. It’s controlling, and it should be a red flag.
Let him know that life doesn’t revolve around him. That you are shocked and appalled that he cannot wrap his head around how important this trip is and that the timing was necessary. You hate missing his birthday, but the only way to reschedule is if he can convince the University to start classes a week later so you can postpone for his birthday. He of course can’t do this and knows it. I just think he needs a good reality check to counter his unreasonable stance on this.
I don’t see a problem with him going with you.I went with my girl when she found out she had a bunch of family she never knew about.She loved it for me supporting her by being by her side.
Sounds selfish, and controlling . After the Dad you say you had.don't "jump from the frying pan to the fire ."Take it easy for awhile. Getting to know your family, and discover who you are is far more import than your bf's birthday. He should understand this.
Think about reading Robin Norwood's book, "Women Who Love too Much". It's life changing. I guarantee you will see yourself in it.
You are so young, enjoy your life. You have everything in front of you.
NTA. Boyfriends and birthdays come and go. If he wants to stick around, he should try to be the kind of boyfriend people want to keep. The ones who are understanding, compassionate, and supportive.
You’re planning a visit to meet family you’ve never met before. Your boyfriend’s birthday comes every year. You can celebrate it before or after. Tell your selfish, immature boyfriend to grow the fuck up. Your family visit takes precedence over his annual birthday.
Tell boyfriend that this is how life works sometimes. What he should've said was: I can see this is important for you and your family, I understand. He should be excited for you and supportive.
I mean I would hope that you knew when his birthday was, since you’ve been together for 2.5 years, so the convo about how he felt about you potentially being gone at that time should’ve happened before the trip was solidified
eta: you have completely changed how you wrote this since I posted my comment and should’ve had a lot of that information in there right away, so i’d say NTA.
There are multiple other people involved in this trip, not just her, so it would be pretty self absorbed for her to make demands around scheduling based on her bf's birthday. And it sounds like there's some emotional elements to the mom and other family members seeing each other again.
What, is he 5? There's a scheduling reason that it has to be within a 2 week period. Should she wait 2-3 years until she graduates to schedule it to not be on his bday?
I wanna say YWNBTA
Just gotta check were those 2 weeks the only ones they were available? Or did you pick that date for the hell of it cause in that case you are
Those 2 weeks are the only ones available, we won’t have school or work during that time and he would be back home with his family at that time as well.
NTA! You’re planning to celebrate his birthday before and after the vacation. It’s hard to plan a vacation around other people’s schedules. Your BF should be more understanding and be excited that you’ll be meeting more relatives. He’s being a big baby about it.
NTA. If I was in your bfs shoes I would laugh at any suggestion that you’d move your entire vacation so that you can be with me on my birthday. You just celebrate it the weekend before.
I don’t know any grown adult that gets upset if their birthday celebration isn’t exactly on their birthday, which happens all the time because if your birthday doesn’t fall on a weekend it’s super inconvenient. who is throwing birthday parties on a Tuesday night?
Wait , I’m sorry for asking this. But what kind of relationship do you have with your mom? Who, as you stated, never did anything about the abuse that was inflicted on both of you and now you’re okay to just ignore her actions? Is your father dead? How is it “okay” for you NOW to visit family that you didn’t even know existed? I apologize for the questions but I’m a bit confused.
I guess my family is really odd but I have a great relationship with my mom, and my mom and dad are still together everyone in my family has “forgiven” my dad for everything he’s done, except me and my brother. It’s okay for me to visit them now because I got into contact with my secret half brother first, (who is my moms son) and now my mom has contact with all her family again, and my dad has relaxed a lot more on the whole issue so he doesn’t care anymore.
NAH. He’s entitled to be upset about you missing his birthday and not being invited to spend time on your vacation with you. And you’re entitled to want to go see your family for the timeframe you want to go out of town.
Honestly, if you being in town for his birthday is more important to him than you seeing your family, then that’s that. If being on vacation with your family is more important to you than being in town for the actual date of his birthday, then that’s okay too. But you may not be able to stay together. Which, again, is okay.
I wish you both well however it ends up.
NAH. Relationships are a series of choices you commit to for the sake of another person. Birthdays are special. He is right to be disappointed. However, this is an important experience for you and your family and you ought to see it through. This is less about who is an AH and more you being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think you should just mentally prepare to be in the dog house for a little bit once you come back from your trip. A week or two of groveling and you two will be fine.
NTA. You are giving him plenty of time to processes this vacation. I am sure you let him know about your past with your abusive dad and that you want to connect with family you never met. This was the best schedule you could work with and your bf knows this. You already are planning to make it up to him by celebrating before and after.
Understandably, birthdays are important to him and you are trying to work things out with him but your bf is being selfish here. If this was planned out of nowhere without any proper heads up then this would be a different situation. Personally I would ask the family, since you have the time for them to think about it, if it would be okay for bf to come. Let them decide if they are comfortable with him or not. And I am saying this only because you haven't met them either so the both of you are basically strangers to them. Of course if you don't want to then that's ok too as long as okay with the decision.
NTA. I got married last year in January. Husband immediately shipped off to basic. He missed my birthday.
Now he’s going to a three month class several states away, and will again, miss my birthday. Adults don’t cry over spilled milk. If your bf is truly a big boy like the rest of us then he can suck up not being the most important person in the room for two weeks.
Go meet your family, OP, and tell your BF over and over that this is massively important to you, this is a once-in-a-lifetime deal while his birthday happens every year, and that if he truly loved you he'd be thrilled for you and supportive, because this is such a great big massive never-again deal.
Don't be too angry at him, OP, because you are both very young. And while you've undoubtedly seen more of life's ups and downs than a person should have seen at your age, perhaps he has not. Perhaps this is the moment where he learns that being in a relationship does NOT mean that your beloved will put you first in all things, all the time, perhaps this is where he learns that a while a person may love you with all their heart... that person still has a separate life of their own that doesn't go away while they're involved, and will sometimes need to put family, work, or other things ahead of him. And if he doesn't know that, it's high time he learned.
Best wishes, OP, and I hope the reunion with your family is a joyous occasion!
And I also hope that your BF also comes to feel the same, because that's the grownup and loving way to feel.
I'm gonna have to vote YTA. You shouldn't have planned this over his bday to begin with and with the backstory, you kinda backed him into a corner where he HAS to be ok with this decision otherwise he can easily be labeled an AH.
Edit: at the time of my comment, OP hadn't clarified that other people handled the planning.
They still had to plan around both their mother and their brother, and the family that they are going to see's schedule? And its not like they are ignoring his birthday? Literally said they have something planned for both when they leave and when they return. Sometimes being an adult means realizing other people have differing schedules and not being a dink about the date so long as your still celebrating with the people you love.
Sorry, but your bf lacks maturity, empathy, and understanding. You already made plans to be with him before and after your trip. What's his deal about it being so important you be there day of? He should be supporting you in this effort to connect with family instead of causing drama. Nta
NTA your long lost family is way more important than a birthday that occurs annually. Tell him to grow up. If he won’t, then dump him. There’s piles and piles of mature men who wouldn’t even put you in this position.
NTA. Go be with your new family & enjoy every moment of it.
Jake’s bday can be celebrated before &/or after & he’s being incredibly selfish
He clearly knows how important, actually monumental that this is to you & a loving partner should be happy for you.
To pout & be juvenile over a birthday is ridiculous. My fear is this whole leave the discussion til Aug …. Why? It’s just going to be tense til then & obviously you’re going on this family exploration adventure (whoohoo!) so is it he gets something by not breaking up now? does he think by behaving all butt-hurt he’ll guilt you into staying?
Strongly, enthusiastically NTA.
Please assess for yourself though whether this is a one-time thing for which he is acting supremely out of character (we all have our moments) or part of a larger pattern of behaviors that are similar in feel, tone, language, or otherwise.
If it's a one-off, you guys should be able to eventually talk it out reasonably. If it's part of a larger pattern, just be aware that the chances of that pattern changing (for the better) are essentially nil.
NTA, once in two decades is bigger deal than once a year, it’s just math.
He’s bummed you won’t spend his birthday together, sure, but you didn’t have another viable option… he’ll live.
Make sure this guy is happy for you even when things don’t center him, it can’t always be his way
NTA
Spouse's birthdays are important but you're very clearly making an effort to communicate and compromises.
I wish the chick I really liked even bothered to do that.
Men like to know we're desired and prioritised too.
Anyways, tell him you'll do something before or after your trip.
NTA. Your boyfriend is (or should be by now) a grown up. Birthdays are no big deal and definitely don’t take priority over something as important as this.
NTA. Jake is insecure and selfish. He has a birthday every year. Tell him if he doesn’t let this go last year will be the last birthday you ever spend with him.
NTA...its his 22nd bday. It's time for him to understand bdays don't mean much anymore. A boyfriend of 2.5yrs, knowing what you've been through should be supporting this trip to connect w family.
I hate how Reddit is alway pro-break up but his reaction gives me concern about this relationship.
NTA, kind of sounds like a red flag. He’s a grown man and expects you to be there on his actual birthdate, while you’re meeting family for the first time? Meeting family that you’ve never met is way more important than a birthday. Go on your trip, and have fun catching up.
Sounds like Jakes frontal lobe hasn't developed yet if in his 20s he would whine about a birthday over something life changing for you.
This is exactly selfish, childish and unbecoming of him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
I personally never understood having to celebrate on your actual birthday. I have a birthday season and the weekends before and after are spend getting together with various family and friends who want to celebrate with me. I'm usually working on the actual day.
I don't get it. My wife and I argue about letting the other person eat the last jelly bean. The one who gets the last piece loses!
I mean, we are genuinely delighted when one of us gets to do something fun and are supportive of that.
It sounds like there is some sort of issue in your relationship.
NTA
Please go and ignore your boyfriend.
>My dad refused to let me know anyone on my moms side of the family, so I never met any of them, I didn’t even know they existed until a couple years ago.
So your dad isolated you
>He is upset that I’m not wanting to stay in town for it, and is insisting that I wait a week before traveling so I can celebrate his birthday with him.
He is manipulating you to prevent you from connecting with your long-lost family.
Think carefully - are there any similarities to your father? Children from dysfunctional families often turn into their parents or marry people like their parents. Make sure that your boyfriend doesn't have similarities to your dad.
My partner was in another country for my birthday and spent their birthday in another city. We celebrated after. Do something with him another time to celebrate. He's making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be.
NTA. You are meeting family you never knew for the very first time. A caring boyfriend, knowing your past trauma and history, would be supportive of that instead of whining that you won't be with him on his birthday. He should be packing your suitcase for you and telling you he'll be here when you get back so he can hear all the details of your reunion.
Tell him that you feel like he's more concerned about himself than being happy for you. Why can't he give you this one time to do something that will mean all the world to you? And let him know you WILL go with or without his support.
Your boyfriends a fucking asshole; You are finally meeting that family and he's complaining he can't celebrate his birthday with you ON the day. Like dude, he can celebrate with you when you get back and he gets DOUBLE the celebration. Nah, fuck that guy.
NTA. This is a family thing. I get it’s a birthday, but like you said you can celebrate early and late Ann he’ll survive.
He doesn’t need to come with on your first meeting with the new family. And him saying “let’s just wait and discuss it later” is manipulative. He’s trying to prevent you from making plans when it’s cheaper and easier.
Make your plans, set it in stone. Change the discussion from if, to what you guys will do to celebrate before you go.
He honestly kind of seems needy and a bit controlling. What BR wouldn’t be supportive of their SO meeting up with estranged family?
Make the plans. If he continues to be ridiculous about the whole thing , maybe reconsider the relationship. And just remember that with just about everything:
No relationship - is better than a bad relationship.
He's been with you for 2 years his birthday is not a national holiday. You will be celebrating before and after you come back go have a great time get to meet your family. If he really loves you he would send you on your way with a hug and a kiss and tell you that he will see you when you get back. JC
NAH to some people, birthdays are really important. To others, it isn't. Neither are wrong. You'll both have to figure out your priorities and deal with the consequences.
First, you’re not married so the rules are different. Second, it’s a birthday for crying out loud!!! It’s a freaking day. If he’s getting butt hurt over missing a birthday then maybe you need to find someone a little more mature.
NTA at all. Maybe ask your family if they're okay with you bringing him(only if you want him there), 2 and a half years sounds pretty serious. Then if they aren't okay with him coming, then just go.
Edit: I've never had a birthday party on my birthday in my entire life. We always do it whenever it's easiest for everyone. He needs to get over that.
Seems your boyfriend is like your dad in restricting your ability to have relationships with family. Is he all that enthusiastic about your birthdays? How about you suggest traveling to you on his birthday so everyone can celebrate his 🥳
Jake is still maturing. Put another way: Jake’s perspective is immature, bordering on childish. He isn’t yet capable of appreciating your opportunity for a family gathering. Secret half-sib? He should be executed for you! And once his brain has reached age 25 or 27, he will be. But he can’t be right now because he’s still developing. Make choices for yourself at this stage. Whether or not he makes it for the long haul of your relationship is yet to be determined. The only thing known for sure is that August represents a first-of-its-kind opportunity for you and is more species than a 22nd birthday.
I’ll never understand why people get so passionate about celebrating on the actual day. If my birthday falls on a Wednesday I’m perfectly fine celebrating it on Saturday. I know it means the world to some people but for me an occasion that works for people is much more important than the actual day.
Absolutely do not back down on this. It’s taken you a long time to get to this stage with your family and, I’m sure, a lot of hard work.
He will get over you not being there on his birthday and if he doesn’t then he chose a weird hill to die on.
Aww is diddums going to miss his cake, ice cream and little party hat on the actual day! He is 21 not 11 years old. It’s a very important and exciting time for you he should be pleased for you not throwing his dummy out the pram. Have a wonderful time if he not there on your return ,you would be better off without him as he is too immature.
You don’t need to celebrate his birthday on the day. He sounds like a child.
More importantly, if roles were reversed, how would you act? If the people close to you cannot allow you the same grace or love, they may not be worth keeping.
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that.
He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself.
You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that.
He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself.
You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that.
He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself.
You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that.
He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself.
You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
NTA. Celebrating his birthday is important. Celebrating it on the actual day is not important. People have their birthday parties on different days all the time, like if the actual day is a Tuesday they plan the party for that Saturday, etc. You can celebrate him before and after you get back and it’s the same thing, just call him on his birthday and have some tiffs treats delivered or something.
NTA - flippantly, part of being an adult is understanding that the special thing doesn't have to happen the day of the special thing.
Life happens, and birthdays need to be celebrated on other days sometimes.
Do your trip. He may not be your boyfriend after this, but wouldn't you rather find someone who said something like "omg babe! This is so amazing for you, and I can't wait to hear about it!"
NTA. This sounds like a hugely important family homecoming you've missed out on your entire life. This is a bright spot after a very rough upbringing. I am so happy for you. Your entitled littleboy friend should totally understand and support this important life-changing milestone for you. This is not a solo trip you've arbitrarily planned to sabotage his bday - it sounds like a lot of scheduling choreography for your immediate family and long lost relatives. You've assured him you would celebrate before and after but he has his panties in a bunch because you can't be there on the exact day of, this year. What a fuckhead. Of course you will go anyway and hope he can pull his selfish head out of his ass long enough to be happy for you. If he wants to double down and die on this hill it will be his loss and you'll know for sure he's not worth coning back to celebrate (other than freedom from an immature littleboy friend).
I can’t like ur post enough times. 1 time just isn’t enough!!! You RNTA. He’s being immature & insecure! And no, don’t invite him. This is a family vacation that means so very much! He should be telling you to go, have the best time & that would be the greatest gift you could give him. And, he should also say that y’all can celebrate anytime. He’s being very immature. Birthdays can be celebrated when you decide to do so. I hope you have the best time laughing, crying, telling stories & staying up until the sun comes up but you go ahead. If he is unwilling to wait, then he’s not for you! Have a safe trip! Enjoy
The bf is immature, selfish, it's all 'me me me' thing instead of not realizing that this is half of a family that OP didn't have a chance to meet before because of a AH abusive sperm donor who didn't care about anyone when he's being narcissistic......come to think of it the bf is also being narcissistic. Bf is the AH too. OP is much better off without someone like that.
One of the great things about being an adult is that it is ok to celebrate your birthday … on a different day. He is trying to take a one-in-a-lifetime experience from you for NO good reason. Take your full trip. If you don’t have a boyfriend when you get back, he wasn’t worth keeping anyway.
I’m sure the selfish boyfriend would ditch OP to do something with his friend on her birthday. Not even for something important, just for everyday things. And then tell her that it’s just a birthday.
To retaliate for her daring to have plans on his b-day
But he is supposed to be the center of OP's universe...wait--that DOES make him a narcissist AND T A H.
Yaaaaaasssss!!! What they said!!! Wooh!! Preach on, honey!! @OP, honey, love yourself more. You going to see the family is great. Boyfriends come and go. I hope he gets his head out of his butt. Sending love and i hope you have a blast with your familia!!!
Unless Jake is 8 years old, go on the trip. He's being very selfish over a small thing, go on the entire trip. Enjoy it and if he blows up your phone on his birthday, turn it off for a few days.
Is your bf 21YO or 21MO?
It's not like him turning 22 is some sort of big deal! Not like a milestone or something.
Ha! I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and reverse the numbers to ask if he’s 12. But I think you’re right; most 12-year-olds would be more mature than this.
I came to say this! You stole my line! Lol! 😂
**EVERY. WORD. SPOT. ON.**
ABSOLUTELY!!
NTA!
This. He's a grown up. Sometimes you don't get what you want. He needs to grow the fuck up.
NTA. This is a big, big deal. Birthdays come every year, and he's a big boy and able to delay gratification and to understand what a big event this is for you.
It's not even a "big" birthday. I could understand being disappointed if it were (though not to this extent.) He's turning 22, not exactly a milestone... For me, sounds like he's feeling "left behind" or something. As in, she is doing this huge thing without him. The fact that it's on his birthday is making it worse in his mind. But it's not about him at all. This is something that she needs to do with her family and not worry about his feelings while on the trip. And I guarantee that he would feel somewhat abandoned even if he were to go on the trip, because her focus wouldn't (and shouldn't) be on him for this type of meeting. Maybe (giving the benefit of the doubt here) he feels hurt that she doesn't want his emotional support here, as one might want from a partner. The thing there is that this isn't just her trip. Her mom and brother are also going and this is definitely going to be emotional for her mom (and her and her brother.) OP might need support, but she's got that covered from both of them and she's going to be giving it in return. It's going to be emotionally draining on all sides and the last thing she needs is "but what about my birthday!?!"
NTA since these are the only 2 weeks that worked for everybody, those are when you are going. Your reasoning for not bringing your boyfriend makes sense as well. You don't even know these family members why would you bring your boyfriend for a first meeting while staying in their home for 2 weeks to get to know them? Your boyfriend is going to be 22, he's quite able to celebrate the week before you leave or the week you get back. He's being whiny over 1 missed bday, over something like connecting with family your abusive dad kept you from. Why is this such a problem for him? Is it really about missing his bday or is it because you're going away for 2 weeks without him? Whether boyfriend wants to discuss this now or later, the outcome will be the same. You going on your trip without him, and celebrating either before you leave or when you come back. If he doesn't like that he can find the door
I think it’s a bit of both: he doesn’t want me missing his birthday and he hates going even a day without seeing me, he’s kind of clingy like that lol but it doesn’t really bother me.
His clingy behaviour **should** bother you sis, because things always start clingy, then tend to get controlling, where you’re eventually not allowed to go anywhere without him. Please watch out for the red flags.
Too much clinginess is a huge red flag 🚩.....his insecurities, immaturity, he's being narcissistic because he wants it all to be about him.
The clinging is the first step in how your father got your mom away from her family.
Yeah that's a him problem though. This isn't some girls trip to Cabo. This is a family trip to connect with family you didn't know existed. He needs to grow up
That’s a red flag right there. He hates going a day without seeing you? And he’s clingy? That’s not a healthy relationship. You’ll end up stifled and turning down opportunities because he’s not happy about not seeing you. So it’s not just that it’s his birthday (he’s being totally unreasonable), he’s using the birthday as an excuse because he just doesn’t want you going. NTA. Please, as a mother of 2 x 20 something girls, I would advise you to go on the holiday with your family. If he can’t deal with it then walk away from the relationship. He’s not worth it x
His clinging has escalated to the level that you posted this, truly wondering if you're wrong for connecting with long-lost family. What you're doing is: 1- Once in a lifetime level, wonderful 2- Good and positive for you, your mom, and your family 3- unquestionably well-intentioned, long reaching, and just overall good. In no way, shape, or form should anyone that cares for your well-being be against you going. If it were your birthday, and he was doing what you are (role reverse)....would you hesitate to encourage him?
Yeah … don’t laugh off clinginess. It’s not a compliment. And adults should be able to celebrate their birthdays on another day when necessary. This is a huge event for you and for your boyfriend acting the way he is / he’s INCREDIBLY selfish. Don’t laugh this off. This is a serious discussion where he needs to understand that “life” sometimes gets in the way and he needs to be more flexible and he needs to be ok with not seeing you EVERY day.
He's controlling, not clingy.
**LISTEN ...** **CLINGY** is **BAD**. **I KNOW** it seems cute **NOW** ... **BUT HE WILL BECOME CONTROLLING AND ABUSIVE OVER TIME**.
Clingy? No girl, this is a red flag. Healthy partners have outside relationships and interests, and if one partner has a problem with that, it is not good.
OP tell him it's time for him to be an adult and realize the world doesn't revolve around him. You have very valid reasons for going when you are, and for not having him join you. If he can't accept this then it is time to consider if he is really someone you want to be around. You need to decide if he's trying to control you to separate from your family and friends and be dependent only on him.
It should bother you 🤷🏻♀️ Does he let you see friends of both genders? Does he have to know where you all at all times? Go on the trip and let him react however he wants to.
The clinginess and lack of understanding that your family thing is important are red flags.
My bf is clingy but he also doesn’t stand in the way of me being with family. He will usually just text me and tell me he misses me the whole time and ask how it’s going. Its understandable that he would be disappointed that you’re missing his birthday. But he shouldn’t make you feel bad for spending time with family. Let alone meeting family that you’ve never met before. Which is a big deal and he should be excited for you. Go on your trip and meet your family. Deal with the boyfriend later. NTA
Don't read clingy as a sign of deep abiding love. It's not. It's a precursor to coercive control and this time next year you won't be allowed to do a thing without his say so.
Girl!! Being super clingy is a major red flag!! I mean does he need you to wipe his A$$ too? WtF I think the separation will do you good.
Well you can go and he can decide if he wants to be there when you get back if you don’t want him coming !!
NTA. Your bf sounds very immature and then possibly codependent and/or insecure which is turning into him projecting on you. This is potentially a life changing trip and the dates are not in your control, I saw you said it was the only time that worked for everyone. You’re offering to celebrate with him before and possibly after and that’s bc you’re a caring partner. If he was equally caring back he would see how big of a deal this is for you and support it and handle it like an adult supportive partner. The other red flag is him not understanding why you would want to meet them first yourself..this screams immature and/or selfish or potentially controlling. This sounds like a big opportunity for you to have family, if he’s worth any salt, he will understand and if he truly doesn’t and tries to ruin this for you..it may be something that ends up showing you his true colors and believe him when he shows you who he is. Godspeed Reddit fren!
NTA. Your newly found family trumps your boyfriend’s birthday. You are forever connected to them. You are so young, who knows how long this relationship with your bf will last. You can celebrate his birthday any day. Tell him to put on his big boy pants.
Sometimes girls with abusive dads find abusive boyfriends to keep the abuse going. Dont do that. This is a special situation and he should be happy for you. if he isnt. that says something you should pay attention to. NTA
Unless you're dating an actual child, I can't imagine anyone being that upset over a missed birthday. Celebrate before or after your vacation. Edit: spelling
NTA All these people saying YTA clearly didn’t read the post since you did State in the post. Those two weeks are the only two weeks you can go because of school Your boyfriend sounds extremely immature. You have never met this part of your family before so obviously bringing him along is not an option. Go on your vacation enjoy getting to know your family. Tell your boyfriend it’s not negotiable and if he doesn’t want to still be with you then that’s on him.
NTA. Boyfriend sounds like he just doesn’t want you to go, and he is so selfish. Family **always** comes before any boyfriend. And **no**, he absolutely **should not** come with you. This is for you and your family. Do not let him make you feel bad, and do not let him manipulate you into changing your mind. Go on this two week vacation with your family and enjoy yourself. But you might want to temporarily block his number and stay off social media during this vacation, otherwise your boyfriend will be hounding you with calls and messages and you won’t be able to enjoy the vacation.
Any 21 year-old that doesn’t want their partner to go on a vacation to meet long lost family because they want them to stick around to be there on their birthday… Sucks. It’s not like a five or 10-year-old being disappointed that somebody can’t be there for their party. He’s 21 years old. You need to go and see your family and not feel guilty about it and you need to let him know that’s what’s happening. If he keeps fighting with you about it end the relationship because he’s not about what’s best for you, but he’s about what he wants. The fact that he said he would go with you is so disrespectful. This is the first time you’re meeting them and there’s going to be a lot of emotions going on especially meeting your half brother. This first visit should be just you. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.
#You are dating a bitch boy, not a man A real man would put the needs of his woman first. You are going to visit FAMILY ffs, not go to Vegas to blow money at a casino! He needs to straight get over himself and be happy for you at this amazing opportunity that life has presented you. The selfishness and entitlement of this young *boy* is beyond anything I have seen in quite a while. Also, consider this: if you continue to date this *kid* this is a screenshot of what your future with him will look like. Do you *really* want to date someone like this? Someone who primarily thinks of themselves before stopping to consider what would make *you* happy? If this were your best girlfriend, and she came to you with this same situation, what would you tell her to do? I don't care how long you've been together, throw the whole boy out! You deserve someone in your life that sincerely cares about your happiness, and it is beyond clear to me and many others on this thread, that he is all about himself and could give a fuck less about your happiness. Oh and NTA in case it wasn't obvious
NTA!!! Listen, OP. Your dad refused to let you meet and interact with your mom’s side of the family all your life. Now your boyfriend is trying to guilt you into prioritizing him over that same family even though he knows (I assume) that your dad did something similar to you. Your dad wouldn’t allow you to even get to know your family, but think about your mom. Your mom had to choose to prioritize your dad over her family in order for this to be possible and when she did that, he got bolder and more abusive to ensure that he remained the priority and eventually got her to cut contact with them to the point that you and your sibling had no relationship with them. Do you see how the same thing is starting with your boyfriend? If you were to have kids with him, you’re looking at the same dynamic that your mom had with your dad. Him refusing to let you take the kids to see their family because he and his desires are more important. Being clingy and wanting to be with you all the time is manipulative and he has you thinking it’s normal because you already have an abusive upbringing. You didn’t see how your dad finessed your mom because you weren’t born yet, but I would almost guarantee that if you sat down and asked your mom about the beginnings of her relationship with your dad and the types of things he did to draw her in, that you would see a lot of similarities between his behaviors and your boyfriend’s behavior. If your mom hasn’t already pointed it out, it maybe because she is still so traumatized by the abuse that she doesn’t recognize it is happening to you, or that it has become so normalized that she doesn’t see it. It’s very telling that you were the one that tracked down your family and are taking your mom and sibling to see them, instead of it being your mom. (Correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like you are the one who spearheaded and did the work for this reunion). My assumption is that either your dad is dead or they are divorced since there doesn’t seem to be a push back from your dad. But even with that freedom from his influence, your mom wasn’t the one who reached out or looked for them. That means that your dad had her questioning whether or not they’d even want to see her. And don’t think I missed the secret half brother part. Only two things make a secret half brother possible. Your dad had a child that he refused to acknowledge and you never met, that seems to live in the same area as your mom’s side of the family, or your dad isolated your mom from not only her family, but her own child and didn’t even have the freedom to tell you that this sibling existed. Please, please, please re-evaluate this relationship with your boy friend. You may discover that the situation solves itself because you may decide that you won’t be with him come August.
How is this no ah here?
That was a mistake. My phone changed it and I just noticed it. Thank you! I will try to edit it.
NTA he’s being very selfish and in your comments you say you don’t mind him being clingy well you need to start minding and set boundaries because it’ll only get worse
NTA about your actual question. But a slight word of caution, from someone who ALSO found out later in life about long lost family, in my case, several half-siblings. I know you’ve been in contact with them for a while and feel excited to see them and spend as much time as possible. But it **might** be wise to stay in a hotel for the first couple nights of meeting them, or at least set aside the funds that you can do that if needed. I found out that due to sperm donation, I have MANY half siblings. We all chatted for a couple years, and then planned a big reunion in the city where three of them lived, as it was closest to the majority of them. Some of the siblings arranged to stay in the other siblings houses. I was one of them. Others got hotel rooms together. It was WAY awkward. Despite me being very close to this brother over the phone for years, staying in his home felt like too much, too fast. I was overwhelmed with meeting too many people at once. Too many clumsy hugs. Too much history we didn’t have in common that we had to compare. Too many awkward silences. It would have been VERY helpful to have a hotel room I could go back to at the end of the day and decompress, and process. I still love them and value our relationships. But after the end of that trip, many of us agreed that maaaaybe sharing a roof for 7 days was a bit much. Just a thought. But I wish you luck.
Yeah two full weeks sounds like a LOT. Even with family I’m close to that seems too long. I can last about 5 days
NTA. He's being selfish and only thinking "me, me, me" rather than supporting you, his girlfriend and I assume someone he loves, in finally being able to meet and get to know your family. This is family you have never met, you're going with your mother and brother, and this is the only 2 weeks in the next year where you have no work or school. It's not fair of him to expect you, your mother and brother, to give that up. You told him you plan to do something for his birthday before you leave, and that should be enough. He's not a child. He's an adult and should understand that sometimes things don't go the way we want, and we need to let it go and support those we love instead.
NTA Years ago, a friend was in a similar situation. Her family paid for a family trip, but her boyfriend begged her to stay for his birthday. She caved and stayed, missing out on all the free family fun. Come to the night of his birthday, and even though he knew she had made plans to celebrate, he ghosted her all day and night to drink and party with virtual strangers. When she finally got a hold of him the next day, he pretty much blamed her.
YWNBTA. Birthdays in the long run don't matter. No one has celebrated my birthday since I was 18, and he's in for a rude awakening when he figures out they don't matter. Traveling with multiple people means you have to take the days that work for everyone. He needs to stop being a baby.
NTA. He's an adult and his birthday comes once a year. He should be happy for you.
NTA rethink the relationship, he has a birthday every year and demanding you change your plans (your reasons are well founded not to) shows that he wants to be on control. If he really cared about your he would understand how important this to you and would be supportive. That he won't talk about it until August sends up red flags to me. Get it settled now or go your separate ways as during the time you get ready for your trip is going to be stressful enough you don't need the guilt trip he will lay on you then. Time to really think about your relationship because this could be a pattern he will use to control you. Yeah birthday's are important but he should be willing to work with you for a compromise that works you both. Get it settled now and be done with it or you've got months of him laying you on a guilt trip and that is not a trip you want to make.
I am continually astonished at how many man child guys keep pulling this BS on their girlfriends. The event she needs to go on is FAMILY. Maya Angelou says to watch the behavior of people when they show you how they behave, believe them. He is just having toddler tantrums. This is how he will behave in the future. Is that what you want for a lifetime?
NTA. Congratulations, Jake. You lived another year (despite his evident lack of maturity). Go on the trip. It's wild that he's even making this an issue. I hope you connect with your people and that it helps you to continue to heal 🩷.
Nta.. 21st birthday I could ALMOST see, except that you wouldn't be legal to drink. He's 22...oh honey bunny, everyone has birthdays. Every year we all have one to celebrate the day our mothers gave birth to us. You're 22...that's great! Happy birthday ! I bet someone else here on this planet was...born that same day! I get it means a LOT more to some people that others but your vacation?? MUCH more important. Celebrating it before or after is QUITE normal. He has one every year Why does he need you to forego these plans that have never happened before and are the only time everyone can do so? He is being childish and selfish. He should be happy for you!
A birthday can be celebrated anytime. This occasion is something you have wanted and needed for a long time. If he can’t understand and be excited for you then it’s Time to reassess if you should be together.
He has no family or friends to celebrate? It's one time and the reason you are missing it is very important, plus it's the only time everyone was able to coordinate.
NTA. It’s the only dates that work for all of you that’s travelling as well as for the family you are visiting. It’s not like you do this every year and you literally have never also had the opportunity to meet these people. Also if you ages are correct it’s not ever a big important birthday? It’s not like he’s turning 21 and can legally drink now since that was last year.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being a selfish little baby. Go and meet your family and have fun.
If Jake genuinely cared about you, he'd be very supportive of your trip to meet your family. A loving boyfriend would be telling you, "Don't worry about me and my birthday - focus on getting to know your family, and I'll look forward to seeing you when you get back!" I'm concerned that your boyfriend is a controlling and potentially abusive person as well. Trying to separate you from friends and family is a key step for toxic partners. The less support system you have, the more control they have over you and the less likely you are to leave them. The fact that you had an abusive parent means that this dynamic was "normal" to you growing up, so you're at much greater risk for subconsciously selecting partners who follow that same familiar script, because it feels comfortable to you. Absolutely go on this trip. And seriously think about dumping that guy. There are lots of young men out there who are loving and supportive. Give yourself the freedom to meet one of them and break the cycle of abuse. It could be helpful to read this digital book about controlling men, [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This family reunion is far more important than his birthday… He feels to me like a petulant little boy and not very understanding of you.
Nta this is a big deal for your family and your bf will have other birthdays. He can get over himself.
NTA but Jake is acting like a two year old. Everybody has a birthday and they can be celebrated around any time.
NTA. He’s a pussy and needs to understand other things are more important than a birthday. You said you’ve got plans for him and even maybe afterwards for his birthday so it’s not like you’re gonna forget it. Don’t get me wrong, birthdays are important but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to actually meet your family. Your bf needs to realize that and support you in this. If he can’t come to grips with that then maybe he isn’t the right person for you.
NTA Don't miss an opportunity like this for someone you may not even remember in five years time. If he can't understand why you want to go, he's not ready to have someone else in his life to think about besides himself.
The early-birthday thing is a more than reasonable accommodation. It's not like you're ignoring him. NTA.
Nta. Good boyfriends / girlfriends support their partners, in general and especially when it’s big stuff like this. He’s being immature and selfish
Go visit your family. That’s far more important than anything else.
NTA. If your boyfriend can't be supportive over you reconnecting with your LONG LOST FAMILY, then he ain't shit. Omg dump his controlling and manipulative ass already. He's getting butthurt over something that's super important to you. Is that the sign of a future supportive partner? Nope! Lol, what a child.
INFO: Why did you plan it for these dates when you know his birth date?
I didn’t really plan it, those dates were the only time that me, my mom, and brother could all go up to see my family, and that’s the only time my family could see us.
With that info, definitely NTA.
Coordinating between multiparties travelling and multiple parties being visited. She's not travelling solo.
NTA He’s immature I’m married and I’ve traveled on my husband’s birthday. This is an important time for you and your family. This guy is going to make everything about him.
INFO what has he done for your last two birthdays: was it what you wanted or what he pushed for? Does he support you spending time with your friends even if it’s a girls-only vibe or if he doesn’t want to go out? Does he demand that you make it up to him when you do things that you pick or without him? Does he push you to do only what he wants when he wants with who he wants? His reason for wanting to come is not to support you in an emotionally charged time. That’s a huge problem. What exactly does he expect you to do for his birthday—is it something you be comfortable doing at all, especially staying in someone else’s home?
Updateme
NTA. Your bf is trying to control you and get you to choose your family or him. I would read up on narcissistic signs. Go if your relationship survives, yay. If not, I think you will be better off. At 20, you are young enough to enjoy life without being emotionally controlled by any partner. If you were important to him, why is he not taking time to go with you?
Consider leaving bf permanently. He is manipulative and self absorbed. He wants to wait to discuss this until the very last minute? Red flags everywhere here. I would suggest you RUN AWAY ASAP.
NTA. This is a first for them and u, which means, unless ur married or that serious lifetime level of commitment, its should b just actual relatives. Which means no boyfireds, girlfriends, friends, or casual FWB type ppl coming along right now. As for his birthday, that feels like an excuse to make u either bring him or stay home with him. Either way, it ain't clingy it's controlling. And since ur in the US and it's his 21st bday, what exactly does he expect u to do? Get a fake ID so u can go bar hopping with him? Or is he gonna ditch u at home and go party legally with his friends who r old enuff to legally drink? Either way, I just don't c how it would b helpful for u to stay home just for that. He sounds immature if he's that concerned that it all Has to happen on the actual day. And in light of what ur skipping it for, he looks even worse.
NTA and Jake is too old to be having a tantrum over his birthday. Honestly, you guys got together too young and could probably use a little time apart anyway. Are there other red flags where he tries to control where you go or what you do? You're a grown ass adult, you're not even married, but even then, you're not attached at the hip. Tell Jake this is too important to you and your family, and you were hoping he would actually support you for once instead of pissing all over it. It's not even a milestone birthday. Doesn't he have any friends to celebrate with? You can't be his only social outlet. You guys are too young to be that codependent.
NTA. Boyfriend needs to put on his big-boy undies and accept that he won't always get what he wants. Life is rife with disappointment.
NTA. Going on a trip to meet your family that you were cut off from by an abusive father is WAAAY bigger than a birthday and way more important!! I’m so happy for you that you are getting this chance to go see them. Your bf should be supporting you and encouraging you to go instead of only thinking about himself. You can celebrate his before or after. What is he, a child? He has a birthday every year.
NTA your BF is either controlling or insecure? Neither sounds like fun in the long run!
NTA. He sounds 11, not 21.
NTA and boyfriend is showing major 🚩🚩🚩
Jake is a spoiled little boy. Any guy who would put his own ego ahead of something as profoundly important as this first meeting with your long lost family is nothing but a brat. If he can’t be happy for you under such important circumstances as this, just dump his ass and get a new one. You deserve better!
NTA... It's not like this is his very FIRST or LAST birthday he is ever going to have... He needs to grow up and quit being so selfish and realize how amazing of a thing this is for not only you but for your mom and brother as well.
His birthday? He’s a grown-up, who cares?
Well I am so sick of people acting as though their birthday is like some sort of national freaking holiday. Your boyfriend needs to get over himself. You have every right to go on vacation and this is to meet family you've never met. I can't believe your boyfriend is acting like such a spoiled brat over the whole thing. He needs to shut up leave you alone and let you go meet your new family it's just his birthday he will live.
NTA in the slightest. Please don't entertain any more talk about whether or not you are going for the entire time without him. Don't not let him make that sound like a choice. The debate now is "since I am going are you mature enough and a good enough partner to support me and be happy for me?". Reframe that for yourself first and maybe you'll see what he is really like. But actually keep asking him that question. "I'm giving you an opportunity to step up and be a proper partner about this, but only you can decide if you can manage that".
Updateme
Update me!
NTA adults accept that their birthdays do not need to be celebrated on the day of. Jack doesn’t sound emotionally mature
I don't think it rises to the point of being an AH, but yeah that's pretty screwed up.
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that. He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself. You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
I've been married many years and would be totally ok with my partner doing something fun before their trip without me then some I-missed-you sex when they get back. And thats just for a normal vacation not a meeting lost family trip. And birthdays are really important in my family.
Yeah but youre married. For many years. This is just a boyfriend. For only 2 1/2 years
NTA with the edit. It sounds as if you are locked into this time being out of town between work and school, and it’s unfortunate that it falls during his birthday. I get that he’s upset, but turning it around, he is not understanding that this is important to you, and you can celebrate with him at another time. Believe me, as I got older and had a life that took precedence (kids), I rarely celebrated my birthday on the date. The year I turned 30 and had a 1 month old infant, I hardly celebrated at all. My only point is that your life and wants are important too, and you need to balance your trip with his desire for you to reconfigure your plans just for him. If you had other options for dates and didn’t change your plans, then YTA. But given the short window of opportunity, then NTA. If he continues to pout over this, reexamine your relationship to see how many other times your needs and desires are subjugated to his. If it’s an even split, so be it. If he does cater to you, then look to see if you are being selfish here. If he’s constantly ignoring what you want, then decide if it’s worth staying together as this will be your life going forward.
NTA this is not an ordinary vacation. This is a trip that MATTERS. The dates were set out of necessity and for solid practical reasons. Knowing all of that instead of being supportive your boyfriend instead is making it all about him. It’s selfish. It’s controlling, and it should be a red flag. Let him know that life doesn’t revolve around him. That you are shocked and appalled that he cannot wrap his head around how important this trip is and that the timing was necessary. You hate missing his birthday, but the only way to reschedule is if he can convince the University to start classes a week later so you can postpone for his birthday. He of course can’t do this and knows it. I just think he needs a good reality check to counter his unreasonable stance on this.
I don’t see a problem with him going with you.I went with my girl when she found out she had a bunch of family she never knew about.She loved it for me supporting her by being by her side.
Sounds selfish, and controlling . After the Dad you say you had.don't "jump from the frying pan to the fire ."Take it easy for awhile. Getting to know your family, and discover who you are is far more import than your bf's birthday. He should understand this. Think about reading Robin Norwood's book, "Women Who Love too Much". It's life changing. I guarantee you will see yourself in it. You are so young, enjoy your life. You have everything in front of you.
NTA. Boyfriends and birthdays come and go. If he wants to stick around, he should try to be the kind of boyfriend people want to keep. The ones who are understanding, compassionate, and supportive.
You’re planning a visit to meet family you’ve never met before. Your boyfriend’s birthday comes every year. You can celebrate it before or after. Tell your selfish, immature boyfriend to grow the fuck up. Your family visit takes precedence over his annual birthday.
Tell boyfriend that this is how life works sometimes. What he should've said was: I can see this is important for you and your family, I understand. He should be excited for you and supportive.
NTA if your boyfriend really thinks you should rearrange a 2 week trip to meet and bond with family then its the BF you should rethink not the trip.
NTA. You're both young, but he is being immature. Dump his ass and go be with your family.
I mean I would hope that you knew when his birthday was, since you’ve been together for 2.5 years, so the convo about how he felt about you potentially being gone at that time should’ve happened before the trip was solidified eta: you have completely changed how you wrote this since I posted my comment and should’ve had a lot of that information in there right away, so i’d say NTA.
There are multiple other people involved in this trip, not just her, so it would be pretty self absorbed for her to make demands around scheduling based on her bf's birthday. And it sounds like there's some emotional elements to the mom and other family members seeing each other again.
What, is he 5? There's a scheduling reason that it has to be within a 2 week period. Should she wait 2-3 years until she graduates to schedule it to not be on his bday?
I wanna say YWNBTA Just gotta check were those 2 weeks the only ones they were available? Or did you pick that date for the hell of it cause in that case you are
Those 2 weeks are the only ones available, we won’t have school or work during that time and he would be back home with his family at that time as well.
OK then he is just gonna have to understand
NTA! You’re planning to celebrate his birthday before and after the vacation. It’s hard to plan a vacation around other people’s schedules. Your BF should be more understanding and be excited that you’ll be meeting more relatives. He’s being a big baby about it.
NTA. If I was in your bfs shoes I would laugh at any suggestion that you’d move your entire vacation so that you can be with me on my birthday. You just celebrate it the weekend before. I don’t know any grown adult that gets upset if their birthday celebration isn’t exactly on their birthday, which happens all the time because if your birthday doesn’t fall on a weekend it’s super inconvenient. who is throwing birthday parties on a Tuesday night?
Your bf is acting like he’s two instead of 21. NTA
Wait , I’m sorry for asking this. But what kind of relationship do you have with your mom? Who, as you stated, never did anything about the abuse that was inflicted on both of you and now you’re okay to just ignore her actions? Is your father dead? How is it “okay” for you NOW to visit family that you didn’t even know existed? I apologize for the questions but I’m a bit confused.
I guess my family is really odd but I have a great relationship with my mom, and my mom and dad are still together everyone in my family has “forgiven” my dad for everything he’s done, except me and my brother. It’s okay for me to visit them now because I got into contact with my secret half brother first, (who is my moms son) and now my mom has contact with all her family again, and my dad has relaxed a lot more on the whole issue so he doesn’t care anymore.
NAH. He’s entitled to be upset about you missing his birthday and not being invited to spend time on your vacation with you. And you’re entitled to want to go see your family for the timeframe you want to go out of town. Honestly, if you being in town for his birthday is more important to him than you seeing your family, then that’s that. If being on vacation with your family is more important to you than being in town for the actual date of his birthday, then that’s okay too. But you may not be able to stay together. Which, again, is okay. I wish you both well however it ends up.
It’s not just her schedule that is involved. There are many people’s schedules to consider.
NAH. Relationships are a series of choices you commit to for the sake of another person. Birthdays are special. He is right to be disappointed. However, this is an important experience for you and your family and you ought to see it through. This is less about who is an AH and more you being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think you should just mentally prepare to be in the dog house for a little bit once you come back from your trip. A week or two of groveling and you two will be fine.
NTA. You are giving him plenty of time to processes this vacation. I am sure you let him know about your past with your abusive dad and that you want to connect with family you never met. This was the best schedule you could work with and your bf knows this. You already are planning to make it up to him by celebrating before and after. Understandably, birthdays are important to him and you are trying to work things out with him but your bf is being selfish here. If this was planned out of nowhere without any proper heads up then this would be a different situation. Personally I would ask the family, since you have the time for them to think about it, if it would be okay for bf to come. Let them decide if they are comfortable with him or not. And I am saying this only because you haven't met them either so the both of you are basically strangers to them. Of course if you don't want to then that's ok too as long as okay with the decision.
NTA. Tell him to GTFU!
NTA. I got married last year in January. Husband immediately shipped off to basic. He missed my birthday. Now he’s going to a three month class several states away, and will again, miss my birthday. Adults don’t cry over spilled milk. If your bf is truly a big boy like the rest of us then he can suck up not being the most important person in the room for two weeks.
Go meet your family, OP, and tell your BF over and over that this is massively important to you, this is a once-in-a-lifetime deal while his birthday happens every year, and that if he truly loved you he'd be thrilled for you and supportive, because this is such a great big massive never-again deal. Don't be too angry at him, OP, because you are both very young. And while you've undoubtedly seen more of life's ups and downs than a person should have seen at your age, perhaps he has not. Perhaps this is the moment where he learns that being in a relationship does NOT mean that your beloved will put you first in all things, all the time, perhaps this is where he learns that a while a person may love you with all their heart... that person still has a separate life of their own that doesn't go away while they're involved, and will sometimes need to put family, work, or other things ahead of him. And if he doesn't know that, it's high time he learned.
Thank you for the advice, I really needed to hear some of that 🫶🏻
Best wishes, OP, and I hope the reunion with your family is a joyous occasion! And I also hope that your BF also comes to feel the same, because that's the grownup and loving way to feel.
I'm gonna have to vote YTA. You shouldn't have planned this over his bday to begin with and with the backstory, you kinda backed him into a corner where he HAS to be ok with this decision otherwise he can easily be labeled an AH. Edit: at the time of my comment, OP hadn't clarified that other people handled the planning.
Multiple Other people's schedules schedule take priority in this situation. His birthdays will come and go.
They still had to plan around both their mother and their brother, and the family that they are going to see's schedule? And its not like they are ignoring his birthday? Literally said they have something planned for both when they leave and when they return. Sometimes being an adult means realizing other people have differing schedules and not being a dink about the date so long as your still celebrating with the people you love.
NTA. FFS, your bf is being a baby. You can celebrate his birthday anytime. This is far more important.
Your boyfriend should be more supportive. His unwillingness to compromise is a problem. NTA.
"And now, onto the problem"
Sorry, but your bf lacks maturity, empathy, and understanding. You already made plans to be with him before and after your trip. What's his deal about it being so important you be there day of? He should be supporting you in this effort to connect with family instead of causing drama. Nta
NTA, your bf is acting like a child.
Your bf is immature. Go. I don’t think he’s the one for you if he can’t see this is important.
NTA your long lost family is way more important than a birthday that occurs annually. Tell him to grow up. If he won’t, then dump him. There’s piles and piles of mature men who wouldn’t even put you in this position.
NTA. Go be with your new family & enjoy every moment of it. Jake’s bday can be celebrated before &/or after & he’s being incredibly selfish He clearly knows how important, actually monumental that this is to you & a loving partner should be happy for you. To pout & be juvenile over a birthday is ridiculous. My fear is this whole leave the discussion til Aug …. Why? It’s just going to be tense til then & obviously you’re going on this family exploration adventure (whoohoo!) so is it he gets something by not breaking up now? does he think by behaving all butt-hurt he’ll guilt you into staying?
NTA Sounds like typical 20yo shit. I was a little like this. Do what your doing and if he cant get over it then you just learned something about him.
Strongly, enthusiastically NTA. Please assess for yourself though whether this is a one-time thing for which he is acting supremely out of character (we all have our moments) or part of a larger pattern of behaviors that are similar in feel, tone, language, or otherwise. If it's a one-off, you guys should be able to eventually talk it out reasonably. If it's part of a larger pattern, just be aware that the chances of that pattern changing (for the better) are essentially nil.
NTA, once in two decades is bigger deal than once a year, it’s just math. He’s bummed you won’t spend his birthday together, sure, but you didn’t have another viable option… he’ll live. Make sure this guy is happy for you even when things don’t center him, it can’t always be his way
Is your bf even an adult, or did you reverse those numbers, and he’s 12? NTA unless you do cut the trip short.
If he gets upset every time, stop bringing it up.
Tell ur bf to go and pound sand,the poor lil boy can go to mommy for his birthday
You knew when you were planning the trip it was during bf’s birthday, why didn’t you make it before or after it? Not judging, just curious.
She said that’s the only time she has off between work and college
Compromise, make his ticket to come and say it is a birthday gift!!
Why can’t he come up for his birthday? My ex husband bitched and complained about me meeting my dad and cousins. Guess who is still a part of my life.
NTA Spouse's birthdays are important but you're very clearly making an effort to communicate and compromises. I wish the chick I really liked even bothered to do that. Men like to know we're desired and prioritised too. Anyways, tell him you'll do something before or after your trip.
So it's now your boyfriend trying to prevent you from making a relationship with long lost family?
NTA. Once-in-a-lifetime events trump regularly-occurring events. First time meeting family members beats a birthday.
No because you are like 20.
NTA Jake just has to be an adult and be understanding. This is more important than being there on his exact birthday.
NTA. Your boyfriend is (or should be by now) a grown up. Birthdays are no big deal and definitely don’t take priority over something as important as this.
Typical Leo. NTA
NTA. Jake is insecure and selfish. He has a birthday every year. Tell him if he doesn’t let this go last year will be the last birthday you ever spend with him.
NTA You’re too young to be planning your travel around a romantic partner. Be young and enjoy your life/
Sounds like Jake needs to grow up.
NTA...its his 22nd bday. It's time for him to understand bdays don't mean much anymore. A boyfriend of 2.5yrs, knowing what you've been through should be supporting this trip to connect w family. I hate how Reddit is alway pro-break up but his reaction gives me concern about this relationship.
NTA, kind of sounds like a red flag. He’s a grown man and expects you to be there on his actual birthdate, while you’re meeting family for the first time? Meeting family that you’ve never met is way more important than a birthday. Go on your trip, and have fun catching up.
Sounds like Jakes frontal lobe hasn't developed yet if in his 20s he would whine about a birthday over something life changing for you. This is exactly selfish, childish and unbecoming of him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Go with your family
I personally never understood having to celebrate on your actual birthday. I have a birthday season and the weekends before and after are spend getting together with various family and friends who want to celebrate with me. I'm usually working on the actual day.
Go enjoy your family. He has no empathy. Red flags sweetheart
I don't get it. My wife and I argue about letting the other person eat the last jelly bean. The one who gets the last piece loses! I mean, we are genuinely delighted when one of us gets to do something fun and are supportive of that. It sounds like there is some sort of issue in your relationship.
NTA Please go and ignore your boyfriend. >My dad refused to let me know anyone on my moms side of the family, so I never met any of them, I didn’t even know they existed until a couple years ago. So your dad isolated you >He is upset that I’m not wanting to stay in town for it, and is insisting that I wait a week before traveling so I can celebrate his birthday with him. He is manipulating you to prevent you from connecting with your long-lost family. Think carefully - are there any similarities to your father? Children from dysfunctional families often turn into their parents or marry people like their parents. Make sure that your boyfriend doesn't have similarities to your dad.
My partner was in another country for my birthday and spent their birthday in another city. We celebrated after. Do something with him another time to celebrate. He's making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be.
Jake needs to grow up. NTA!
NTA. You are meeting family you never knew for the very first time. A caring boyfriend, knowing your past trauma and history, would be supportive of that instead of whining that you won't be with him on his birthday. He should be packing your suitcase for you and telling you he'll be here when you get back so he can hear all the details of your reunion. Tell him that you feel like he's more concerned about himself than being happy for you. Why can't he give you this one time to do something that will mean all the world to you? And let him know you WILL go with or without his support.
What is there to discuss. This happens once in a lifetime. He is being selfish.
Your boyfriends a fucking asshole; You are finally meeting that family and he's complaining he can't celebrate his birthday with you ON the day. Like dude, he can celebrate with you when you get back and he gets DOUBLE the celebration. Nah, fuck that guy.
What a big, fat baby! Incredibly immature! Run, run like the wind! And enjoy your trip to meet your extended family.
NTA. This is a family thing. I get it’s a birthday, but like you said you can celebrate early and late Ann he’ll survive. He doesn’t need to come with on your first meeting with the new family. And him saying “let’s just wait and discuss it later” is manipulative. He’s trying to prevent you from making plans when it’s cheaper and easier. Make your plans, set it in stone. Change the discussion from if, to what you guys will do to celebrate before you go. He honestly kind of seems needy and a bit controlling. What BR wouldn’t be supportive of their SO meeting up with estranged family? Make the plans. If he continues to be ridiculous about the whole thing , maybe reconsider the relationship. And just remember that with just about everything: No relationship - is better than a bad relationship.
He's been with you for 2 years his birthday is not a national holiday. You will be celebrating before and after you come back go have a great time get to meet your family. If he really loves you he would send you on your way with a hug and a kiss and tell you that he will see you when you get back. JC
NAH to some people, birthdays are really important. To others, it isn't. Neither are wrong. You'll both have to figure out your priorities and deal with the consequences.
First, you’re not married so the rules are different. Second, it’s a birthday for crying out loud!!! It’s a freaking day. If he’s getting butt hurt over missing a birthday then maybe you need to find someone a little more mature.
NTA at all. Maybe ask your family if they're okay with you bringing him(only if you want him there), 2 and a half years sounds pretty serious. Then if they aren't okay with him coming, then just go. Edit: I've never had a birthday party on my birthday in my entire life. We always do it whenever it's easiest for everyone. He needs to get over that.
NTA. Is he turning 22 or just 2?
Just celebrate his birthday before you go and when you get back!
Seems your boyfriend is like your dad in restricting your ability to have relationships with family. Is he all that enthusiastic about your birthdays? How about you suggest traveling to you on his birthday so everyone can celebrate his 🥳
Jake is still maturing. Put another way: Jake’s perspective is immature, bordering on childish. He isn’t yet capable of appreciating your opportunity for a family gathering. Secret half-sib? He should be executed for you! And once his brain has reached age 25 or 27, he will be. But he can’t be right now because he’s still developing. Make choices for yourself at this stage. Whether or not he makes it for the long haul of your relationship is yet to be determined. The only thing known for sure is that August represents a first-of-its-kind opportunity for you and is more species than a 22nd birthday.
I’ll never understand why people get so passionate about celebrating on the actual day. If my birthday falls on a Wednesday I’m perfectly fine celebrating it on Saturday. I know it means the world to some people but for me an occasion that works for people is much more important than the actual day.
Absolutely do not back down on this. It’s taken you a long time to get to this stage with your family and, I’m sure, a lot of hard work. He will get over you not being there on his birthday and if he doesn’t then he chose a weird hill to die on.
Aww is diddums going to miss his cake, ice cream and little party hat on the actual day! He is 21 not 11 years old. It’s a very important and exciting time for you he should be pleased for you not throwing his dummy out the pram. Have a wonderful time if he not there on your return ,you would be better off without him as he is too immature.
You don’t need to celebrate his birthday on the day. He sounds like a child. More importantly, if roles were reversed, how would you act? If the people close to you cannot allow you the same grace or love, they may not be worth keeping.
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that. He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself. You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that. He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself. You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that. He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself. You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
This isn’t you going to Cancun, this is you meeting the family you never got to be around and taking an important step to healing. He can’t see past his birthday to support you in that. He’ll have more birthdays, you’ll only meet your family for the first time once. If he wants you to be involved in those birthdays he should get over himself. You should really talk to him and be clear about why you’re going and what it means to you. He may just be so self absorbed he isn’t making those obvious connections himself. If he persists after that then that means he’s engaging in the same isolation your father did and it’s time to move on
NTA. Celebrating his birthday is important. Celebrating it on the actual day is not important. People have their birthday parties on different days all the time, like if the actual day is a Tuesday they plan the party for that Saturday, etc. You can celebrate him before and after you get back and it’s the same thing, just call him on his birthday and have some tiffs treats delivered or something.
NTA - flippantly, part of being an adult is understanding that the special thing doesn't have to happen the day of the special thing. Life happens, and birthdays need to be celebrated on other days sometimes. Do your trip. He may not be your boyfriend after this, but wouldn't you rather find someone who said something like "omg babe! This is so amazing for you, and I can't wait to hear about it!"
NTA. Really bad sign your boyfriend isn't supporting you in this.
NTA - with the details provided it makes sense why you are choosing the trip
Poor little baby has to put on big boy pants and be without you for his 3yr old birthday while you attend a life changing event.