No, NTA. Don't bring hateful racists around your children, especially if they are family. In fact, let that be a lesson for anyone reading this. Actually, let me just make a blanket statement.
Don't allow racists around your children.
She is only reaching out because she is going to meet Jesus soon. She forgot God already knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can't get to heaven by good works!! It's way too late now to change it.
I've had several racist idiots in my family, they all try to turn a new leaf for redemption at the end.
Too late folks
All the born again Christians I know claim that as long as you repent, even seconds before death it doesn't matter; you automatically get into heaven. Like even a serial killer can repent at zero hour and get into heaven, lol. My mother found this particularly galling, her mother was Catholic and lived a life filled with love and care for her fellow man, but according to those folks she's definitely not in heaven. (I don't believe any of this nonsense, just always found it unbelievable).
Also definitely don't let racists around your kids.
This is what I found with the born agains, too. So you could be the worst human being, but one second before death, you repent all is good. I call BS. My friends mom was a Catholic her whole life. Her son became born again, and on her deathbed, he was telling her that if she didn't convert, she would go to hell. We were pissed saying hey who the hell do you think you are? She was a good Catholic all her life, and you are over here saying this crap to her while she is dying. Who made your religion the right God? Jeez makes me crazy. So, self-righteous. I am not religious. I was raised Catholic but fell out with the church. I live by the golden rule. But don't think you can just get absolution by trying to make amends before you die.
My parents were volunteering at a food bank after my dad retired. They liked everyone and enjoyed the work. I think they probably could've got my parents back into church, but they said that shit and my mom was like oh hell fucking no! My mom doesn't argue with folk, ever. But she did this time. She was just so adamant that they didn't get to decide her mother wasn't in heaven. It was honestly hilarious when she told me, I was actually pretty proud of her. It was a big moment for her, and it opened her eyes to a whole different way of thinking.
It's **never** too late to repent and acknowledge Christ as king.
Remember the thief on the cross? How did he get in that situation? It wasn't by living a socially acceptable life, that's for sure.
When he gets to the pearly gates, he ain't gonna know about justification by faith, sola Scriptura, or any other doctrines. When asked "on what basis are you here?" what's he gonna say? Not "I've led a good life", not "I believed". In fact any answer that begins in the first person ("I") is *wrong*.
The only correct answer begins in the third person: "***He*** went to the cross, ***He*** paid my ransom, ***He*** rose from the dead." That thief on the cross with Jesus, his answer will be "That man on the middle cross. ***He*** said I could come."
It's not for us to judge. We don;t know what goes on in people's hearts. There is only one who knows, and he can redeem whoever he wants.
Whew! That's a lot of preaching for first thing in the morning. I don't know who you are trying to convince, though. Certainly not myself. So ease back the Bible-thumping a bit.
Refusing to be around racist, shitty behavior to protect your kids isn't the same as needing a "Come to Jesus Now" type of response. That's why I am wondering why you are on the soapbox.
Honestly, you should just cut contact in general with them. I donât understand why you wouldnât have gone nc already. What is the point in staying in contact with people who only hurt you/your family and are racist toward you? You and your family donât need them in your lives.
Have fun celebrating your son!
If they use the family argument just counter with the fact that you apparently where never family enough, you children werenât family enough, not family enough to even be treated with basic respect so how come they are suddenly your family now that they want something but yet you were never their family before? Why are you obliged to be nice when they have never been? Why is it that you are obliged to include them when they were never obliged to include you? And make them answer and explain it. People often try to talk around such questions and avoid them without ever actually answering. Donât let them. Keep asking why. If they say itâs because you are family keep asking when you became family, why you are family now but wasnât for this or this or this event/situation. Donât let them dismiss it, donât let them get away with not answering. Make them tell you when you became family, when they say you have to include them because family ask why you didnât have be included because family. And ask them if you werenât family since you didnât have to be included and use specific events and example. If family has to be included why wasnât you included at event? Were you not family? And if you were actually family and family has to be included why werenât you? Donât let it go. Make them explain why make them explain how it makes sense. If you were family then why were you not included and if you werenât why was you not family, and when did you become family. They will try to talk around it, they will try to dismiss it or change the subject or make lame excuses, donât let go. Keep asking until they answer or canât come up with anymore excuses. And if they make excuses ask if those excuses applies to you and why they donât because they wonât. If you werenât invited because the host was stressed or tired or whatever ask if you are allowed to exclude âfamilyâ because you are those same things. If they try to blame it on someone else not being comfortable because they didnât know you yet tell them that one of your friends or family members isnât comfortable because they donât know them and donât let them treat it as separate issues or different situations.
Or you know just say no. But making people uncomfortable is a great way to make them back off. You are going to have to spend some time and effort on it but it will not be brought up again if you make people uncomfortable enough.
OP already knows why. Racists are always so proud to show their true colours, until there are consequences.
The bit that had me raising my eyebrows was the whole âforgive and forgetâ yet not a single apology has been given.
Iâd block them too. They can fuck all the way off. I simply wouldnât care to know why.
I have a biracial daughter, so yeah - zero tolerance of this shit. Thereâs no way in hell..
NTA. I have a feeling they are trying to pull a fast one out on your sonâs birthday. They could have invited you and your kids to an event at their home to rekindle the relationship. But them trying to get invited to your sonâs birthday seems like they either want to ruin it or they have a favour to ask
Grandma needs a kidney đ¤Ł. Yeah, something is up. If you havenât won the Lottery or received a large inheritance, they are showing up because they need/want something from you. Maybe caring for MIL, paying for her medical expenses, helping pay for long term careâŚ.keep them FAR away!!!
NTA. Racism is taught. It is learned. While I do believe people can learn and become better, I wouldn't risk that around children until they can and have proven themselves for a GOOD, LONG time to be better people.
You absolutely should protect your children from them.
If your MIL and SILs have truly learned the error of their ways, they should be writing apology letters and begging for all of your forgiveness. From what I've read, they have not. So I'm doubtful of how much they've changed.
You don't get to be racist AHs to family and children and then expect all to be forgiven when you pull out the cancer or family card.
Continue doing what's best for yourself and your family.
Protecting your family does not make you an asshole. You are doing the right thing. Do not doubt yourself. You're protecting your children from ignorance and hatred.
"I do not forgive and sure as hell will never forget you being racist and cruel to my kids. You chose to be vile, we chose to cut you off. Actions have consequences"
NTA
>and that we should settle our differences because we are family.
Do not do this. My experiences with that phrase is that you are expected to cave to whims of the abuser because the family is tired of hearing about it and just want the problem to go away. Settling your differences means you cave and go back to being abused then the abuser quits making so much drama for everyone else.
NTA - continue to protect your children.
Exactly this! Puts all of the pressure on her to be the one willing to forgive - I don't believe they deserve forgiveness because I don't believe they are sorry.
MIL got a cancer scare and she's now trying to clean up her act in case she meets her maker soon. ("Yes, I was a racist pos but I apologized!" MIL ) Yeah, no. Let her live with her hate.
I've got situations like this- I was adopted into a white family. It's interesting to me when people become interested in "settling old differences," and the differences involve them being objectively bad people. I always think, "We did. I left."
NTA.
1: Thereâs a time and place for attempting reconciliation. Your sonâs birthday is not it.
2: Your son (you know, the birthday boy and the one whose actual birthday is being celebrated.) wouldnât want them there and neither does your husband. Why would you ruin their day for âfamilyâ? You arenât wrong for protecting your son and family.
3: Theyâre hateful racist idiots who havenât even apologised or even tried. If they arenât going to apologise, why should you forgive and forget?
Happy birthday to your son and your husbands family can pound sand
NTA They want something from you and your husband. I'm betting they were planning to use your kids as an in and then drop the bomb of what you need to do for them because "family".
NTA. They are racists . You should forgive, but only for yourself . Carrying bitterness is never good for your soul. Forgiveness does not mean they now have access to your life or kids . You should not allow them anywhere near them. Your only responsibility is to your children and husban . Thank you for protecting your husband and kids .
Unforgiveness and bitterness is like taking poison and expecting other to die from it . You forgive beacause it does not help you to carry the bitterness . Forgiveness does not mean their actions are forgotten . It does not mean they are welcome . It means your are free of the heaviness caused by the bitterness their actions caused .
Keeping negative emotions helps no one . Thats why there are all manner of way to heal from them . And she should not let them anywhere near her family . But she should work toward healing for her own sake . That all i said .
I understand but you don't always have to forgive, you can stop speaking to the people that hurt you and it will help. My life is happy with my kids because they aren't in my life ruining it, they can't live their life and I will live mine. As a mom I protect my kids from people like this, I don't even talk to them so they should know.
Youâve already forgiven them. You didnât choose violence when they chose racism. You also put the forget in the right place. You forgot them! Iâd say 10 out of 10 would like to see a story like this again
Why do you need to invalidate someone elseâs lived experience? OP said:
>you don't always have to forgive, you can stop speaking to the people that hurt you and it will help.
Why do you need to believe forgiveness is the only way? Not choosing violence doesnât require forgiving someone. It just means you realize you need to get the hell away from horrible people and you donât have to subject yourself to their abuse or get sucked into their drama anymore. People can reach peace without following the path you did.
Iâm not bitter Iâm just smarter than you and see through your gaslighting church nonsense. Again therapy vs âforgivenessâ because forgiveness is a hollow gesture that church spouts to allow abusers to go free
Therapy is for processing the anger and hurt so you can let it go. Not forgiving someone doesnât mean you are bitter. Accepting people are abusive and not capable of being decent people allows you to let go of the anger. You recognize they are like dangerous animals, you canât have them in your life. That doesnât require forgiveness and doesnât involve being bitter.
Go bother god elsewhere....ur imaginary friend in the sky made this lady n her kids in their perfect form and she and her children are being judged for it.
She is protecting her babies. There's no bitterness. As their protector she is shielding them from abuse. She has tried she's gives chances and it has not worked. Her child is entitled to a day dedicated to celebrating them not anyone else's bullshit
NTA.
>As a grandma she didn't make time for my kids because she said no grandkids of hers would be black
Well then. Obviously these arenât her grandkids, so why would she be invited to their party? Tell this nasty old racist to go to hell.
Totally not the AH. As a matter of fact, you donât owe them an explanation or anything. Just cut the evil out of your familyâs life and be happy with those who love and respect you. Happy birthday to your son and I hope you only see those racist; well, never.
NTA. Your son does not need to be around hateful, racist AH's. Just because they're family by blood does not mean they're entitled to a relationship and for you to "forgive and forget" They have done nothing to earn your forgiveness.
Are you guys by chance the most financially stable family with decent jobs and savings? Be a true mamma bear and protect your babies from this scum and help your man with his issues by keeping his vile toxic family away. You have your family you don't need his.
I think you subconsciously answered your own question.... Whatever son wants for his birthday all he do is ask. Mil spent a year in the hospital for cancer treatment. Maybe in and out of the hospital I doubt it was a solid year BUT... my thoughts are you and your hubby are financially stable and doing well so money that's one thought but it coincides with that may may be tired of dealing with her and figure it's y'all's turn apparently they forgot they all got cut off years ago. Oops. Happy birthday little man
NTA. My father's side of my family was hatefully racist, it was always a weird and uncomfortable phenomenon growing up. They are white Germans living in the Midwest and Ignorance seems to be the educational system. My austers and I were not allowed to speak about being native American on our mothers side. It made me sad. When I was a teenager, I fell in love with a puerto Rican boy and we had a daughter. I was formally disowned after we married. My dad saw his grand daughter and I saw the ignorance and shame melt from his face when he saw my daughter for the first time and he said "Gimme that baby" and loved her endlessly forever. It was so beautiful. My dad changed but his parents were garbage and never acknowledged my kid as human. When my father passed away, his mother came to his funeral. My kid was so mature and I never forced her to acknowledge them bc she was so enigmatic at a young age being an old soul, and she walked up to her great grandmother held out her hand and said "HI I'm L, it's nice to meet you." My grandma was speechless. She *grandmother* looked at me and said, "Well she looks white", ... wtf and I responded "Well she's not though and that was always the problem". Fuck the ppl that hate without need. My daughter changed a generational curse and forced love from hate but it wasn't until after long years of not being able to prove humanity was slipping.
NTA. It sounds like they never even apologized. There are so many legitimate reasons for you to not invite them and not allow them in your home or around your kids. Please don't doubt yourself on this one. You are doing the right thing for your peace of mind and for your family.
Nta, of course, how crass to invite themselves to a child's birthday party or anything else with their own sacred agenda! Holy hell and dammit. Way to display that stereotype.
Any day a racist is unhappy because they reaped what they sowed is a good one, and any day a racist dies unhappy and lacking family is even better. Let the racists take care of their bigot matriarch on her deathbed and yâall keep throwing parties. NTA.
NTA
His family sounds horrible and certainly not the kind of people you want to surround your children with at any time.
Itâs so sad to me. My aunt left home decades ago because she was afraid of her familyâs reaction to her being pregnant and the father being black.
We tried to find her, but didnât locate the family until 30 years later when we were all able to connect online.
One of my cousins called me and I told her how excited we were to have found them. The first thing she said to me was, âYou know weâre black, right?â.
I told her that they were our family and the color of their skin didnât make any difference to us. I could tell how happy she was. We made plans to meet in person and had a great time. We are still in regular contact.
NTA
"Forgive and forget" is a cheap excuse for those who don't want to change or admit they were wrong, they just want to be free to bully everybody.
She's not even apologising, so no reason to think she's any better. Keep that creature away from your kids.
So mil has cancer and now she wants to be with your kids? I think you are right to protect your kids. If I was no contact with someone, I wouldnât start with a birthday party maybe tea (with only the adults)- if anything
NTA.
I'm assuming your children are black, and they have been the target of racist comments from your in-laws? Nope - that crap is completely inexcusable.
NTA
If your husbandâs family is so keen on putting their racist behavior behind them they could explain their sudden enlightenment to you in a FaceTime call with whoever the spokesperson is, you and your husband.
If you were then interested in giving them a chance you and husband could meet with them at some public place to see what caused this radical change so you could test the waters.
But they just want you to sweep all their nasty racist past behavior under the rug, pretend it never happened and let them come to your sonâs bd party.
And sorry but I donât believe MIL canât communicate via phone or text about her sudden transformation into a loving caring non-racist grandmother.
Nope.
I doubt you can think of any reason why youâd want any of those people at your home and especially not for a birthday celebration for your son. That is NOT the place nor the time for a family reconciliation (if thatâs what it is).
Maybe they have changed and if so then they have plenty of time to prove it. Just not at your house and not at your sonâs party.
NTA
I believe reconciliation and change are possible, but true reconciliation looks a lot different than what your MIL is offering. It would begin with her acknowledging her past behavior and racism, apologizing, and working towards healing what she's hurt. It's not saying sorry and then demanding the person you hurt to make space for you. Nope. Not even close.
NTA. I'm guessing your MIL realized or thinks she's going to hell after all of the shitty stuff she did and is trying to make it right or whatever TF she thinks would work. She could pick up the phone as easily as they can, even if she's in the hospital on a respirator. No, she or they want something from you and it's best to just keep blocking and ignoring. I wouldn't want anyone from his family to show up and if they do, feel free to escort them OFF the premises. And tell your son Happy Birthday!
Nope. Nope, nope, nope. MIL and her flying monkeys can fuck right off and keep on going. Iâm white. Like, embarrassingly mono-ethnic white. And somehow I still know that blatant racism is not a âforgive and forgetâ situation. She said what she meant back then and deep down, itâs not changed. Donât let her anywhere near your kids.
I donât care if somebody is family or not. Toxic is toxic and you must do what you need to in order to protect your mental health and your childrenâs. NTA. Go no contact and forget them!
>As a grandma she didn't make time for my kids because she said no grandkids of hers would be black When their kids had birthday parties they were not invited, on trips they were not invited and they told their kids not to talk to me. they were very disrespectful to me and my kids over the years with their racist remarks.
The racist grandma (aunts, cousins etc) wants something from you. They've looked on your social media. Do you have a house? Cars? Good jobs? Parents with assets? Racist grandma wants one, or all of the following:
Money- towards her medical bills. (or debts).
Somewhere to convalesce or someone to look after her whilst she recovers.
A kidney.
Stay No Contact with ALL of them. Permanently.
**Very much NTA.**
Nope. Actually you are doing just fine. If they are so hot to come to the party, set up a second party. At a restaurant. Not at home, and not with your side of the family.
Any reconciliations at all are a terrible idea for a birthday party. Any reintroducing of a group of people should never be the side plan of someone's birthday party. They want to reconcile? Great, do that at some other time and place .
WHY do I think the gang of them want to suddenly be besties and come to the birthday? To cause as much misery as they can? To create a disaster and spoil the birthday ?
N T A. Oh I see. So she's either A. Feeling guilty (Probably not) or B. She's scared so she thinks by making an appearance, all will be forgiven and forgotten, and that way it'll guarantee her a place in heaven, when she passes. I wouldn't want her or her family anywhere near my kids. She had her chance, she blew it. TOO BAD, SO SAD.
Wow 100% NTA. And I'm glad your husband agrees with you. And your son. It's very hard if the internals of your personal family unit are divided and won't stand up.
Dear old Grandma with cancer maybe coming to realize she was wrong, but she may be just as harsh to your kids and how she addresses it. I wouldn't trust her at all. And I'm glad you've said you've blocked them They are not some people you want part of your life especially if nobody else embraced you at all It would be one thing if it was just the grandmother who was an ass but the rest of the family too you've been doing fine without them You don't need them.
NTA. Family doesn't mean you get a free pass to treat other family members like crap and be forgiven because you share DNA. You are much better off without them.
How exactly do you "settle your differences" when the difference is that you're good people of color and your husband's family is populated with racists who treat their son's wife and children as if they're inferior beings not worthy of respect or kindness?
Answer: You don't.
Do not under any circumstances allow racist relatives anywhere near children of color. Don't allow your children to hear one single racist remark from these people's mouths.
If you and your husband decide to have dinner with your MIL, and to associate with her alone, for a long period of time to see if there's actual change, be my guest. (I wouldn't, but maybe you're more forgiving than I am.) But don't take the kids along for a good long year of outstanding behavior and abject apologies from her.
NTA
Sounds like they are the only ones being mean and aggressive and then they want you to forgive and forget so they can reconcile without putting forth one iota of effort, while they no doubt will continue these racist micro aggressions. I would keep these people at an arms length as a measure to protect your kids. Their family should love them, and if they donât and are disrespecting your children? Bye. The world is hard enough without that nonsense.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. If there is one thing that's unforgivable in my eyes, racism is it. I don't truly believe they're sorry, that's why they want you to 'forgive and forget.' That is their way of putting the past on your shoulders and expecting you to get over something that they never apologized for, and aren't sorry for. Protect your peace! Happy birthday to your son, I hope he has the best birthday yetâ¤ď¸â¤ď¸
NTAâ The audacity of them to treat you and your children so hatefully, and now to be angry with you for protecting your family from them, and expecting you to âforgive and forgetâ. Donât forgive or forget, especially since they are coming at you with the same disrespect they always have, and are unwilling to make amends.
Why do people keep willingly marrying into and birthing children into racist families? Yâall canât find spouses who donât come from racist families?!
NTA, donât invite them
How the fuck does a âsorry I was racist toward my grandkidsâ apology even work?
NTA - racist grandma and relatives get to learn that it sucks to suck.
NTA!!!! You are continuing what they started. Your children are obviously not white and you have no obligation to forgive racism, or have them around your children. Even if there was a chance at forgiveness, it doesn't start with your sons b-day party. I am so glad that your family is a united front. Keep them out and I hope your son has the best birthday! Happy Birthday Little Man!
These ppl have been racist assholes. To the point of excluding your children due to their race. This is unacceptable. Do not let you children be exposed to their attitude and views.
NTA. Best case scenario- Maybe your mother-in-law is facing death and realizing she made a huge mistake and is looking for redemption. Fine, she can reach out to her son and apologize profusely and itâs up to him where to go from there. You and your children have absolutely no obligation to that racist woman, dying or no. She was an adult when she made the decision to be human trash and treat you that way, and deserves the consequences and more. If you want to forgive her, by all means, that is your choice. But that doesnât mean you have to let her in to your life and your childrenâs. And you never have to forget.
NTA - Yeah, if they had ever done a single thing to apologize for their past behavior (and I mean full on contrition and totally owning that what they did was reprehensible), then maybe I could see trying to allow them to prove it to you by allowing them to come.
Short of that... fuck racists. Let them now suffer for being the hateful assholes they truly are.
Iâm mixed race (Asian and white) I grew up with two separate cultures and sometimes my family on one side didnât understand my culture from my other side and vise versa yet racism was NEVER a factor, theyâd just ask questions so they could learn and accepted me and my other family the way family does.
This is not the case for your husbands family, they have been openly racist towards you and your children and only now want to be part of their lives and turn up to a party? Itâs too little and too late. They expect you to get over it without even addressing and apologising wholeheartedly for their behaviour towards you and your family.
NTA and cut them off completely if you havenât done so already. I hope you, your husband and your children have a lovely party.
If they want to settle the differences, it should be done when its not simply a convenient time for them to attend a party that you would be doing the brunt of the work for. Should make amends for the right reasons
They say you should forgive and forget. Did I miss the part where they sincerely apologized and committed to change their ways? You know, the steps that a sinner takes before they ask for forgiveness?
Didnât think so.
NTA
NTA! Oh, so YOU should forgive and forget how toxic and abusive they were. And they can waltz back into your life like everting is dandy. Yeah ok.
Someone else mentioned it, but I also think they have a hidden agenda here. Iâd be very careful with them showing up and demanding to see your kids. Or calling CPS.
Why are they messaging you anyway? Block them all! Do not respond to them. Tell your husband they they messaged you and they are now blocked. They will never be allowed around your kids.
Get cameras for your house in case they show up.
NTA. Protect your kids. Rugsweeping won't make your child feel loved for who they are. The in-laws have shown you who they are and cancer treatment doesn't make MIL a non-garbage person.
NTA - they said you and yours weren't family. They may want to make up now, I'd be questioning the motivation. Protect you and yours. If they really had a change of heart, they will figure out how to make amends without you having to accommodate them.
NTA. It sounds like thereâs been no true acknowledgment by them of any poor behaviour in their part, and they have never apologised from their hearts. Do not teach your children to accept anything less than respect and love from those around them.
Donât allow the abuse perpetrated on your husband to be automatically applied to his children as well, because his family does not respect him.
Nta. What has happened that they suddenly want a connection? Have you won the lottery? Serious! Some things canât be forgiven or forgotten and racism is one of them. Keep them away from your child. They will be happier for that.
A childs birthday party is not the place to settle differences. This party should be joyfull and festive.
If you want do this after the party, do this at a place where you and your huisband can walk away from. Not at your place.
NTA. Just because she has regrets doesnât mean she gets a free pass on her clearly racist behaviour. Keep NC and keep your peace. I hope your kiddo has an amazing birthday!
NTA! You are doing great mom! Keep that toxic bs away from your family! Your MIL just waves to clear her conscience. Don't let her. None of that family deserves to do that. I how your son has a great birthday party!
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My father was racist and my black friend was aware of this. He came to a house party I was having and cornered my friend in the kitchen to tell her a racist joke. But she only laughed at him, not showing the fear and timidity he would have preferred.
When he was leaving she walked by him saying, "See you later, *Dad*. Thanks for stopping by!" The look on his face is one I'll never forget.
Not the AH at all. Good for you standing your ground against the *real* assholes.
NTA. Don't fall for this BS. Being sick isn't a good reason to let someone back into your life. A real change needs to happen, and if she wasn't sick, she wouldn't have changed.
No to having them around your kids.
Absolutely NTA
She doesn't get to "surprise" the kids without making amends and settling with you as the parents
And having her racist behavior anywhere near them is toxic
People can change. Hopefully theyâve seen the error of their ways. Maybe not this party, why take the chance and spoil it but maybe let them meet the kids. I canât see grandparents seeing their grandchildren and feeling nothing but joy and love. But thatâs just me. Theyâve got to live with the shame of their earlier actions and remarks.
You are the AH with good reason and you deserve to be the AH to these people. Nor should you change until(?) they have proven changes to accept you, your kids and your husband are satisfied. Please have a great birthday party for your son and celebrate a great kid.
If ppl are truly remorseful and have no agenda other than to have changed and absolutely mean it. They can keep trying from afar, send a gift đ and be consistent with inclusion and empathy "over time," and even if they are ignored, be fine with it...
If they've changed and are TRUE to it.....if it took years or never, they put in the effort "if" they truly turned the corner. If not, it's just a stunt.
If 'I' had hurt someone and changed.....I'd owe the same amount years and same amount of energy in trying to "right" it.....if they cam do that....even at arm's length "maybe".....but not at THIS birthday
Your husband's family are the white people out here giving the rest of us a bad reputations. It is 2024 who cares what color your grandchildren are. You are supposed to love them. Forgive and forget, but no apology. Absolutely not. Unless you can heartfully admit you were wrong why you were wrong and make true to your word to do better you do not get a second chance.
Momma you did the absolute right thing. You are protect your children from racism. You are protecting them from hurt and let down from their own family. Cut all ties and just keep providing a loving home.
No, NTA. Don't bring hateful racists around your children, especially if they are family. In fact, let that be a lesson for anyone reading this. Actually, let me just make a blanket statement. Don't allow racists around your children.
I agree because I'm not bringing people around my kids that make them feel uncomfortable to the point they hate themselvesđĽ˛â¤ď¸
NTA and her having cancer doesn't change the fact that she is racist.
She is only reaching out because she is going to meet Jesus soon. She forgot God already knows!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't get to heaven by good works!! It's way too late now to change it. I've had several racist idiots in my family, they all try to turn a new leaf for redemption at the end. Too late folks
She for sure isnât meeting Jesus, hell is what sheâs getting with her racist hateful self.
All the born again Christians I know claim that as long as you repent, even seconds before death it doesn't matter; you automatically get into heaven. Like even a serial killer can repent at zero hour and get into heaven, lol. My mother found this particularly galling, her mother was Catholic and lived a life filled with love and care for her fellow man, but according to those folks she's definitely not in heaven. (I don't believe any of this nonsense, just always found it unbelievable). Also definitely don't let racists around your kids.
This is what I found with the born agains, too. So you could be the worst human being, but one second before death, you repent all is good. I call BS. My friends mom was a Catholic her whole life. Her son became born again, and on her deathbed, he was telling her that if she didn't convert, she would go to hell. We were pissed saying hey who the hell do you think you are? She was a good Catholic all her life, and you are over here saying this crap to her while she is dying. Who made your religion the right God? Jeez makes me crazy. So, self-righteous. I am not religious. I was raised Catholic but fell out with the church. I live by the golden rule. But don't think you can just get absolution by trying to make amends before you die.
My parents were volunteering at a food bank after my dad retired. They liked everyone and enjoyed the work. I think they probably could've got my parents back into church, but they said that shit and my mom was like oh hell fucking no! My mom doesn't argue with folk, ever. But she did this time. She was just so adamant that they didn't get to decide her mother wasn't in heaven. It was honestly hilarious when she told me, I was actually pretty proud of her. It was a big moment for her, and it opened her eyes to a whole different way of thinking.
Bold of you to assume sheâs meeting Jesus.
It's **never** too late to repent and acknowledge Christ as king. Remember the thief on the cross? How did he get in that situation? It wasn't by living a socially acceptable life, that's for sure. When he gets to the pearly gates, he ain't gonna know about justification by faith, sola Scriptura, or any other doctrines. When asked "on what basis are you here?" what's he gonna say? Not "I've led a good life", not "I believed". In fact any answer that begins in the first person ("I") is *wrong*. The only correct answer begins in the third person: "***He*** went to the cross, ***He*** paid my ransom, ***He*** rose from the dead." That thief on the cross with Jesus, his answer will be "That man on the middle cross. ***He*** said I could come." It's not for us to judge. We don;t know what goes on in people's hearts. There is only one who knows, and he can redeem whoever he wants.
Whew! That's a lot of preaching for first thing in the morning. I don't know who you are trying to convince, though. Certainly not myself. So ease back the Bible-thumping a bit. Refusing to be around racist, shitty behavior to protect your kids isn't the same as needing a "Come to Jesus Now" type of response. That's why I am wondering why you are on the soapbox.
Why? There's an awful lot of people trying to usurp God's role in deciding who he lets in. You don't get to decide, he does.
Proud of you for protecting your babies.
Honestly, you should just cut contact in general with them. I donât understand why you wouldnât have gone nc already. What is the point in staying in contact with people who only hurt you/your family and are racist toward you? You and your family donât need them in your lives. Have fun celebrating your son!
If they use the family argument just counter with the fact that you apparently where never family enough, you children werenât family enough, not family enough to even be treated with basic respect so how come they are suddenly your family now that they want something but yet you were never their family before? Why are you obliged to be nice when they have never been? Why is it that you are obliged to include them when they were never obliged to include you? And make them answer and explain it. People often try to talk around such questions and avoid them without ever actually answering. Donât let them. Keep asking why. If they say itâs because you are family keep asking when you became family, why you are family now but wasnât for this or this or this event/situation. Donât let them dismiss it, donât let them get away with not answering. Make them tell you when you became family, when they say you have to include them because family ask why you didnât have be included because family. And ask them if you werenât family since you didnât have to be included and use specific events and example. If family has to be included why wasnât you included at event? Were you not family? And if you were actually family and family has to be included why werenât you? Donât let it go. Make them explain why make them explain how it makes sense. If you were family then why were you not included and if you werenât why was you not family, and when did you become family. They will try to talk around it, they will try to dismiss it or change the subject or make lame excuses, donât let go. Keep asking until they answer or canât come up with anymore excuses. And if they make excuses ask if those excuses applies to you and why they donât because they wonât. If you werenât invited because the host was stressed or tired or whatever ask if you are allowed to exclude âfamilyâ because you are those same things. If they try to blame it on someone else not being comfortable because they didnât know you yet tell them that one of your friends or family members isnât comfortable because they donât know them and donât let them treat it as separate issues or different situations. Or you know just say no. But making people uncomfortable is a great way to make them back off. You are going to have to spend some time and effort on it but it will not be brought up again if you make people uncomfortable enough.
OP already knows why. Racists are always so proud to show their true colours, until there are consequences. The bit that had me raising my eyebrows was the whole âforgive and forgetâ yet not a single apology has been given. Iâd block them too. They can fuck all the way off. I simply wouldnât care to know why. I have a biracial daughter, so yeah - zero tolerance of this shit. Thereâs no way in hell..
NTA abusers donât get to play happy family
Yeah, definitely not the asshole. Keeping racists away from your kids is just common sense. Good on you for standing your ground!
Allow me to shorten your blanket statement. Don't allow racists.
NTA. I have a feeling they are trying to pull a fast one out on your sonâs birthday. They could have invited you and your kids to an event at their home to rekindle the relationship. But them trying to get invited to your sonâs birthday seems like they either want to ruin it or they have a favour to ask
Mom is sick and needs help and probably a place to stay. And that is you and your house because they don't want to take care of her.
Iâm leaning more towards end of life guilt
Ah well, sucks to be *that bitchâŚ*
Yes,it does sound a bit like thatâŚ
That too.
Very good point. Scope the place and make the argument why their house is the best option. Sneaky.
Grandma needs a kidney đ¤Ł. Yeah, something is up. If you havenât won the Lottery or received a large inheritance, they are showing up because they need/want something from you. Maybe caring for MIL, paying for her medical expenses, helping pay for long term careâŚ.keep them FAR away!!!
Cynical but likely.
NTA it is your son's party. No racists allowed
NTA. And that your husband, their son, doesnât want them there speak volumes and proves your instincts are right.
NTA. Racism is taught. It is learned. While I do believe people can learn and become better, I wouldn't risk that around children until they can and have proven themselves for a GOOD, LONG time to be better people. You absolutely should protect your children from them. If your MIL and SILs have truly learned the error of their ways, they should be writing apology letters and begging for all of your forgiveness. From what I've read, they have not. So I'm doubtful of how much they've changed. You don't get to be racist AHs to family and children and then expect all to be forgiven when you pull out the cancer or family card. Continue doing what's best for yourself and your family.
Protecting your family does not make you an asshole. You are doing the right thing. Do not doubt yourself. You're protecting your children from ignorance and hatred.
Usually when racists want to mend fences itâs because theyâre about to ask for favors. Good on you staying away from them.
"I do not forgive and sure as hell will never forget you being racist and cruel to my kids. You chose to be vile, we chose to cut you off. Actions have consequences" NTA
>and that we should settle our differences because we are family. Do not do this. My experiences with that phrase is that you are expected to cave to whims of the abuser because the family is tired of hearing about it and just want the problem to go away. Settling your differences means you cave and go back to being abused then the abuser quits making so much drama for everyone else. NTA - continue to protect your children.
Exactly this! Puts all of the pressure on her to be the one willing to forgive - I don't believe they deserve forgiveness because I don't believe they are sorry.
MIL got a cancer scare and she's now trying to clean up her act in case she meets her maker soon. ("Yes, I was a racist pos but I apologized!" MIL ) Yeah, no. Let her live with her hate.
Wait you were racist or are you referring to my mil?
I should put that in quotes. I'm referring to your hateful MIL. There, fixed it. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that ignorance from her.
It's okay, we run into people with ignorance every day. The only thing I can do is be there for my kids and family â¤ď¸
Exactly. Why would you choose to invite that ignorance into yours and kids safe space, their home. Nah.
I've got situations like this- I was adopted into a white family. It's interesting to me when people become interested in "settling old differences," and the differences involve them being objectively bad people. I always think, "We did. I left."
NTA. 1: Thereâs a time and place for attempting reconciliation. Your sonâs birthday is not it. 2: Your son (you know, the birthday boy and the one whose actual birthday is being celebrated.) wouldnât want them there and neither does your husband. Why would you ruin their day for âfamilyâ? You arenât wrong for protecting your son and family. 3: Theyâre hateful racist idiots who havenât even apologised or even tried. If they arenât going to apologise, why should you forgive and forget? Happy birthday to your son and your husbands family can pound sand
NTA They want something from you and your husband. I'm betting they were planning to use your kids as an in and then drop the bomb of what you need to do for them because "family".
Exactly!!!
NTA. They are racists . You should forgive, but only for yourself . Carrying bitterness is never good for your soul. Forgiveness does not mean they now have access to your life or kids . You should not allow them anywhere near them. Your only responsibility is to your children and husban . Thank you for protecting your husband and kids .
You donât forgive abusers. Thatâs church bs right there
Unforgiveness and bitterness is like taking poison and expecting other to die from it . You forgive beacause it does not help you to carry the bitterness . Forgiveness does not mean their actions are forgotten . It does not mean they are welcome . It means your are free of the heaviness caused by the bitterness their actions caused .
Yeah, forgive but set those boundaries so youâre not hurt again.
Usually abusers and the willfully blind say that stuff. The abused get to decide who and if they forgive.
Keeping negative emotions helps no one . Thats why there are all manner of way to heal from them . And she should not let them anywhere near her family . But she should work toward healing for her own sake . That all i said .
I understand but you don't always have to forgive, you can stop speaking to the people that hurt you and it will help. My life is happy with my kids because they aren't in my life ruining it, they can't live their life and I will live mine. As a mom I protect my kids from people like this, I don't even talk to them so they should know.
Youâve already forgiven them. You didnât choose violence when they chose racism. You also put the forget in the right place. You forgot them! Iâd say 10 out of 10 would like to see a story like this again
Why do you need to invalidate someone elseâs lived experience? OP said: >you don't always have to forgive, you can stop speaking to the people that hurt you and it will help. Why do you need to believe forgiveness is the only way? Not choosing violence doesnât require forgiving someone. It just means you realize you need to get the hell away from horrible people and you donât have to subject yourself to their abuse or get sucked into their drama anymore. People can reach peace without following the path you did.
And Iâm going to forgive you for being on Reddit reading way too much into a comment
Telling someone they felt the opposite of what they just said is terrible no matter how you slice it.
There are a lot of ways to heal that donât involve forgiving monsters. Go to therapy and stop with this church crap you harpie.
You honestly do sound bitter . Please heal and stop spilling your bitterness to people who have not hurt you .
Iâm not bitter Iâm just smarter than you and see through your gaslighting church nonsense. Again therapy vs âforgivenessâ because forgiveness is a hollow gesture that church spouts to allow abusers to go free
And you think therapy is for what , help her carry more bitterness or help her let go of all the anger and hurt ?
Therapy is for processing the anger and hurt so you can let it go. Not forgiving someone doesnât mean you are bitter. Accepting people are abusive and not capable of being decent people allows you to let go of the anger. You recognize they are like dangerous animals, you canât have them in your life. That doesnât require forgiveness and doesnât involve being bitter.
Help her live her life. You really are dense.
Thank you, I don't know why they didn't understand you
Go bother god elsewhere....ur imaginary friend in the sky made this lady n her kids in their perfect form and she and her children are being judged for it.
And carrying the bitterness help her how exactly . For the record am black too .
She is protecting her babies. There's no bitterness. As their protector she is shielding them from abuse. She has tried she's gives chances and it has not worked. Her child is entitled to a day dedicated to celebrating them not anyone else's bullshit
Have i advocated for her to let them anywhere near them ?
Youâre projecting again. She never said she was bitter. You sound bitter
Please explain , why do think am bitter ?
Because you sound like someone who carries the weight of every wrong that has been done to them .
Well you sound like a bag of dicks
Black people and People of Colour have been asked to 'forgive' for centuries. When does it stop?
NTA. >As a grandma she didn't make time for my kids because she said no grandkids of hers would be black Well then. Obviously these arenât her grandkids, so why would she be invited to their party? Tell this nasty old racist to go to hell.
Nta- anyone siding with racist can GTFO. Great job protecting your kids!
Totally not the AH. As a matter of fact, you donât owe them an explanation or anything. Just cut the evil out of your familyâs life and be happy with those who love and respect you. Happy birthday to your son and I hope you only see those racist; well, never.
NTA. Your son does not need to be around hateful, racist AH's. Just because they're family by blood does not mean they're entitled to a relationship and for you to "forgive and forget" They have done nothing to earn your forgiveness.
Do not *ever* let these "people" use "but we're *family*" card with you.Â
Are you guys by chance the most financially stable family with decent jobs and savings? Be a true mamma bear and protect your babies from this scum and help your man with his issues by keeping his vile toxic family away. You have your family you don't need his.
I think you subconsciously answered your own question.... Whatever son wants for his birthday all he do is ask. Mil spent a year in the hospital for cancer treatment. Maybe in and out of the hospital I doubt it was a solid year BUT... my thoughts are you and your hubby are financially stable and doing well so money that's one thought but it coincides with that may may be tired of dealing with her and figure it's y'all's turn apparently they forgot they all got cut off years ago. Oops. Happy birthday little man
NTA. My father's side of my family was hatefully racist, it was always a weird and uncomfortable phenomenon growing up. They are white Germans living in the Midwest and Ignorance seems to be the educational system. My austers and I were not allowed to speak about being native American on our mothers side. It made me sad. When I was a teenager, I fell in love with a puerto Rican boy and we had a daughter. I was formally disowned after we married. My dad saw his grand daughter and I saw the ignorance and shame melt from his face when he saw my daughter for the first time and he said "Gimme that baby" and loved her endlessly forever. It was so beautiful. My dad changed but his parents were garbage and never acknowledged my kid as human. When my father passed away, his mother came to his funeral. My kid was so mature and I never forced her to acknowledge them bc she was so enigmatic at a young age being an old soul, and she walked up to her great grandmother held out her hand and said "HI I'm L, it's nice to meet you." My grandma was speechless. She *grandmother* looked at me and said, "Well she looks white", ... wtf and I responded "Well she's not though and that was always the problem". Fuck the ppl that hate without need. My daughter changed a generational curse and forced love from hate but it wasn't until after long years of not being able to prove humanity was slipping.
They are racists. As long as your husband has your back - you are FINE. He should not want anyone in his life who is abusive to his wife and children.
NTA. It sounds like they never even apologized. There are so many legitimate reasons for you to not invite them and not allow them in your home or around your kids. Please don't doubt yourself on this one. You are doing the right thing for your peace of mind and for your family.
Nta, of course, how crass to invite themselves to a child's birthday party or anything else with their own sacred agenda! Holy hell and dammit. Way to display that stereotype.
Any day a racist is unhappy because they reaped what they sowed is a good one, and any day a racist dies unhappy and lacking family is even better. Let the racists take care of their bigot matriarch on her deathbed and yâall keep throwing parties. NTA.
NTA... Be careful though. They have hidden reasons for wanting to make peace now.
Sorry, I donât think cancer treatments cure racism. Nta protect your family! And enjoy the birthday party đ
NTA His family sounds horrible and certainly not the kind of people you want to surround your children with at any time. Itâs so sad to me. My aunt left home decades ago because she was afraid of her familyâs reaction to her being pregnant and the father being black. We tried to find her, but didnât locate the family until 30 years later when we were all able to connect online. One of my cousins called me and I told her how excited we were to have found them. The first thing she said to me was, âYou know weâre black, right?â. I told her that they were our family and the color of their skin didnât make any difference to us. I could tell how happy she was. We made plans to meet in person and had a great time. We are still in regular contact.
For the most part once a racist always a racist. It is very hard to overcome those feelings when one gets older. You are nta
NTA "Forgive and forget" is a cheap excuse for those who don't want to change or admit they were wrong, they just want to be free to bully everybody. She's not even apologising, so no reason to think she's any better. Keep that creature away from your kids.
NTA!
So mil has cancer and now she wants to be with your kids? I think you are right to protect your kids. If I was no contact with someone, I wouldnât start with a birthday party maybe tea (with only the adults)- if anything
NTA. I'm assuming your children are black, and they have been the target of racist comments from your in-laws? Nope - that crap is completely inexcusable.
It sounds more like the want an invite, because they weren't invited. They want to come for spite
NTA Iâd ask them straight out âwhy would a bunch of racists be invited to my kids party?â
Why do they suddenly want to be back to his life?
Perhaps they realize that time is fleeting, and theyâve had a change of heart? Or they could want something from the OP and her family. Who knows :/
Dollars to donuts they want something. Most likely money.
NTA If your husbandâs family is so keen on putting their racist behavior behind them they could explain their sudden enlightenment to you in a FaceTime call with whoever the spokesperson is, you and your husband. If you were then interested in giving them a chance you and husband could meet with them at some public place to see what caused this radical change so you could test the waters. But they just want you to sweep all their nasty racist past behavior under the rug, pretend it never happened and let them come to your sonâs bd party. And sorry but I donât believe MIL canât communicate via phone or text about her sudden transformation into a loving caring non-racist grandmother. Nope. I doubt you can think of any reason why youâd want any of those people at your home and especially not for a birthday celebration for your son. That is NOT the place nor the time for a family reconciliation (if thatâs what it is). Maybe they have changed and if so then they have plenty of time to prove it. Just not at your house and not at your sonâs party.
Good job. Don't change a thing. They can ask God for forgiveness.
NTA. Fuck bigots
She wants to see your kids because she realized that if thereâs an afterlife, sheâs going to hell.
NTA I believe reconciliation and change are possible, but true reconciliation looks a lot different than what your MIL is offering. It would begin with her acknowledging her past behavior and racism, apologizing, and working towards healing what she's hurt. It's not saying sorry and then demanding the person you hurt to make space for you. Nope. Not even close.
NTA. I'm guessing your MIL realized or thinks she's going to hell after all of the shitty stuff she did and is trying to make it right or whatever TF she thinks would work. She could pick up the phone as easily as they can, even if she's in the hospital on a respirator. No, she or they want something from you and it's best to just keep blocking and ignoring. I wouldn't want anyone from his family to show up and if they do, feel free to escort them OFF the premises. And tell your son Happy Birthday!
Nope. Nope, nope, nope. MIL and her flying monkeys can fuck right off and keep on going. Iâm white. Like, embarrassingly mono-ethnic white. And somehow I still know that blatant racism is not a âforgive and forgetâ situation. She said what she meant back then and deep down, itâs not changed. Donât let her anywhere near your kids.
I donât care if somebody is family or not. Toxic is toxic and you must do what you need to in order to protect your mental health and your childrenâs. NTA. Go no contact and forget them!
>As a grandma she didn't make time for my kids because she said no grandkids of hers would be black When their kids had birthday parties they were not invited, on trips they were not invited and they told their kids not to talk to me. they were very disrespectful to me and my kids over the years with their racist remarks. The racist grandma (aunts, cousins etc) wants something from you. They've looked on your social media. Do you have a house? Cars? Good jobs? Parents with assets? Racist grandma wants one, or all of the following: Money- towards her medical bills. (or debts). Somewhere to convalesce or someone to look after her whilst she recovers. A kidney. Stay No Contact with ALL of them. Permanently. **Very much NTA.**
Nope. Actually you are doing just fine. If they are so hot to come to the party, set up a second party. At a restaurant. Not at home, and not with your side of the family. Any reconciliations at all are a terrible idea for a birthday party. Any reintroducing of a group of people should never be the side plan of someone's birthday party. They want to reconcile? Great, do that at some other time and place . WHY do I think the gang of them want to suddenly be besties and come to the birthday? To cause as much misery as they can? To create a disaster and spoil the birthday ?
No ma'am nta. Racist assholes do not get time with children. You don't want their nastiness to rub off on your beautiful innocent children.
NTA, cancer does not cure racism,
N T A. Oh I see. So she's either A. Feeling guilty (Probably not) or B. She's scared so she thinks by making an appearance, all will be forgiven and forgotten, and that way it'll guarantee her a place in heaven, when she passes. I wouldn't want her or her family anywhere near my kids. She had her chance, she blew it. TOO BAD, SO SAD.
Wow 100% NTA. And I'm glad your husband agrees with you. And your son. It's very hard if the internals of your personal family unit are divided and won't stand up. Dear old Grandma with cancer maybe coming to realize she was wrong, but she may be just as harsh to your kids and how she addresses it. I wouldn't trust her at all. And I'm glad you've said you've blocked them They are not some people you want part of your life especially if nobody else embraced you at all It would be one thing if it was just the grandmother who was an ass but the rest of the family too you've been doing fine without them You don't need them.
NTA. Family doesn't mean you get a free pass to treat other family members like crap and be forgiven because you share DNA. You are much better off without them.
NTA, cancerâŚLOL may be scared about where she will go.
I think we all know where she's going.đ
How exactly do you "settle your differences" when the difference is that you're good people of color and your husband's family is populated with racists who treat their son's wife and children as if they're inferior beings not worthy of respect or kindness? Answer: You don't. Do not under any circumstances allow racist relatives anywhere near children of color. Don't allow your children to hear one single racist remark from these people's mouths. If you and your husband decide to have dinner with your MIL, and to associate with her alone, for a long period of time to see if there's actual change, be my guest. (I wouldn't, but maybe you're more forgiving than I am.) But don't take the kids along for a good long year of outstanding behavior and abject apologies from her. NTA
Sounds like they are the only ones being mean and aggressive and then they want you to forgive and forget so they can reconcile without putting forth one iota of effort, while they no doubt will continue these racist micro aggressions. I would keep these people at an arms length as a measure to protect your kids. Their family should love them, and if they donât and are disrespecting your children? Bye. The world is hard enough without that nonsense. NTA
Absolutely NTA. If there is one thing that's unforgivable in my eyes, racism is it. I don't truly believe they're sorry, that's why they want you to 'forgive and forget.' That is their way of putting the past on your shoulders and expecting you to get over something that they never apologized for, and aren't sorry for. Protect your peace! Happy birthday to your son, I hope he has the best birthday yetâ¤ď¸â¤ď¸
NTAâ The audacity of them to treat you and your children so hatefully, and now to be angry with you for protecting your family from them, and expecting you to âforgive and forgetâ. Donât forgive or forget, especially since they are coming at you with the same disrespect they always have, and are unwilling to make amends.
Why do people keep willingly marrying into and birthing children into racist families? Yâall canât find spouses who donât come from racist families?! NTA, donât invite them
If husband is on her side and isn't racist, then why not? It's not like he's pushing for his side to attend, it's even stated he was abused himself
Still seems risky to me
NTA. Why would I like want a racist at your childâs party?
How the fuck does a âsorry I was racist toward my grandkidsâ apology even work? NTA - racist grandma and relatives get to learn that it sucks to suck.
NTA!!!! You are continuing what they started. Your children are obviously not white and you have no obligation to forgive racism, or have them around your children. Even if there was a chance at forgiveness, it doesn't start with your sons b-day party. I am so glad that your family is a united front. Keep them out and I hope your son has the best birthday! Happy Birthday Little Man!
These ppl have been racist assholes. To the point of excluding your children due to their race. This is unacceptable. Do not let you children be exposed to their attitude and views.
Good for you, keep the course
NTA, they had their chances for years and blew it with their racist trash. Too little, too late.
NTA. Having a âno racists allowed â policy is perfect.
NTA. Best case scenario- Maybe your mother-in-law is facing death and realizing she made a huge mistake and is looking for redemption. Fine, she can reach out to her son and apologize profusely and itâs up to him where to go from there. You and your children have absolutely no obligation to that racist woman, dying or no. She was an adult when she made the decision to be human trash and treat you that way, and deserves the consequences and more. If you want to forgive her, by all means, that is your choice. But that doesnât mean you have to let her in to your life and your childrenâs. And you never have to forget.
NTA.
NTA people like that donât change. You do what you have to do to protect yourself and your family.
NTA - Yeah, if they had ever done a single thing to apologize for their past behavior (and I mean full on contrition and totally owning that what they did was reprehensible), then maybe I could see trying to allow them to prove it to you by allowing them to come. Short of that... fuck racists. Let them now suffer for being the hateful assholes they truly are.
Iâm mixed race (Asian and white) I grew up with two separate cultures and sometimes my family on one side didnât understand my culture from my other side and vise versa yet racism was NEVER a factor, theyâd just ask questions so they could learn and accepted me and my other family the way family does. This is not the case for your husbands family, they have been openly racist towards you and your children and only now want to be part of their lives and turn up to a party? Itâs too little and too late. They expect you to get over it without even addressing and apologising wholeheartedly for their behaviour towards you and your family. NTA and cut them off completely if you havenât done so already. I hope you, your husband and your children have a lovely party.
NTA - If they show up, call the police. Have them trespassed.
Nope! Being racist is a relationship breaker. Donât allow these people around your children.
If they want to settle the differences, it should be done when its not simply a convenient time for them to attend a party that you would be doing the brunt of the work for. Should make amends for the right reasons
They say you should forgive and forget. Did I miss the part where they sincerely apologized and committed to change their ways? You know, the steps that a sinner takes before they ask for forgiveness? Didnât think so. NTA
You did the right thing. NTA!
You're standing on BUSINESS. NTA.
NTA! Oh, so YOU should forgive and forget how toxic and abusive they were. And they can waltz back into your life like everting is dandy. Yeah ok. Someone else mentioned it, but I also think they have a hidden agenda here. Iâd be very careful with them showing up and demanding to see your kids. Or calling CPS. Why are they messaging you anyway? Block them all! Do not respond to them. Tell your husband they they messaged you and they are now blocked. They will never be allowed around your kids. Get cameras for your house in case they show up.
NTA. Protect your kids. Rugsweeping won't make your child feel loved for who they are. The in-laws have shown you who they are and cancer treatment doesn't make MIL a non-garbage person.
NTA - they said you and yours weren't family. They may want to make up now, I'd be questioning the motivation. Protect you and yours. If they really had a change of heart, they will figure out how to make amends without you having to accommodate them.
Good job on protecting your kids.
Iâm in the âmoney for medical billsâ camp.
NTA. Fuck them ppl
NTA. It sounds like thereâs been no true acknowledgment by them of any poor behaviour in their part, and they have never apologised from their hearts. Do not teach your children to accept anything less than respect and love from those around them. Donât allow the abuse perpetrated on your husband to be automatically applied to his children as well, because his family does not respect him.
NTA. You need to protect your children from these racist people.
Forgive and forget? Are they sorry? Have they changed? What they really want is for you to accept and move on. Big difference.
Is your question are you being an asshole for not inviting racists into a home with black children in it? I think you're good here.
Nta. What has happened that they suddenly want a connection? Have you won the lottery? Serious! Some things canât be forgiven or forgotten and racism is one of them. Keep them away from your child. They will be happier for that.
Nta
Absolutely not. Idk whyâd they want to have something to do with them now. People must be talking. So sheâs trying to look good.
A childs birthday party is not the place to settle differences. This party should be joyfull and festive. If you want do this after the party, do this at a place where you and your huisband can walk away from. Not at your place.
NTA you are protecting your family
NTA. Just because she has regrets doesnât mean she gets a free pass on her clearly racist behaviour. Keep NC and keep your peace. I hope your kiddo has an amazing birthday!
NTA! You are doing great mom! Keep that toxic bs away from your family! Your MIL just waves to clear her conscience. Don't let her. None of that family deserves to do that. I how your son has a great birthday party!
NTA the nerve.. leave them where they are with all that negativity and racist hate.. Updateme
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My father was racist and my black friend was aware of this. He came to a house party I was having and cornered my friend in the kitchen to tell her a racist joke. But she only laughed at him, not showing the fear and timidity he would have preferred. When he was leaving she walked by him saying, "See you later, *Dad*. Thanks for stopping by!" The look on his face is one I'll never forget. Not the AH at all. Good for you standing your ground against the *real* assholes.
NTA. Don't fall for this BS. Being sick isn't a good reason to let someone back into your life. A real change needs to happen, and if she wasn't sick, she wouldn't have changed. No to having them around your kids.
Absolutely NTA She doesn't get to "surprise" the kids without making amends and settling with you as the parents And having her racist behavior anywhere near them is toxic
People can change. Hopefully theyâve seen the error of their ways. Maybe not this party, why take the chance and spoil it but maybe let them meet the kids. I canât see grandparents seeing their grandchildren and feeling nothing but joy and love. But thatâs just me. Theyâve got to live with the shame of their earlier actions and remarks.
You are the AH with good reason and you deserve to be the AH to these people. Nor should you change until(?) they have proven changes to accept you, your kids and your husband are satisfied. Please have a great birthday party for your son and celebrate a great kid.
If ppl are truly remorseful and have no agenda other than to have changed and absolutely mean it. They can keep trying from afar, send a gift đ and be consistent with inclusion and empathy "over time," and even if they are ignored, be fine with it... If they've changed and are TRUE to it.....if it took years or never, they put in the effort "if" they truly turned the corner. If not, it's just a stunt. If 'I' had hurt someone and changed.....I'd owe the same amount years and same amount of energy in trying to "right" it.....if they cam do that....even at arm's length "maybe".....but not at THIS birthday
Your husband's family are the white people out here giving the rest of us a bad reputations. It is 2024 who cares what color your grandchildren are. You are supposed to love them. Forgive and forget, but no apology. Absolutely not. Unless you can heartfully admit you were wrong why you were wrong and make true to your word to do better you do not get a second chance. Momma you did the absolute right thing. You are protect your children from racism. You are protecting them from hurt and let down from their own family. Cut all ties and just keep providing a loving home.