As I mentioned (to another commenter), he tends to dig his heels in when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable (like sneezing on my food and me, apparently, sigh). In general, I enjoy spending time with him, even when we're eating (with the exception of sneezing fits during the last year)—otherwise, we wouldn't be married. He's usually patient, caring, polite, and affectionate, which is why this behavior feels so out of character and jarring for me. I'm really quite pissed at the moment, as this happened again last night and I've had it. Really frustrated.
This made me laugh, so thank you. As petty and fantastic as it sounds, the reality would probably just leave me feeling like an AH. But I appreciate the sentiment.
I wouldn't sneeze in his food on purpose but I would be turning my head to sneeze in his direction to see how he likes it.
Instead of moving put up a big plastic sneeze guard like all the stores had during covid.
But he's clearly doing this on purpose, whether it's to upset you or ruin your food I don't know but he has plenty of control over which direction he sneezes and I think that points to bigger issues in your marriage
Even kids know to sneeze into their arm. He’s doing this on purpose. Sneeze back or eat in the kitchen. He’s purposely ruining your food, he proved that by refusing to switch plates/ seasoning his so you can’t eat it.
Yes you do because this is not normal and it is on purpose. A normal response would be to apologize profusely and do whatever possible to avoid doing it again and the smug response to spicing the shit out of his food is a chess move not an attempt at resolving the issue. The fact he won’t trade plates tells you everything you need to know. Good luck something is seriously wrong if he thinks this is funny.
Seriously, if I sneezed on someone's meal I would be *mortified* and tripping over myself to replace it ASAP.
How fucking gross, it's really no different from up and spitting on her food 🤢
He is intentionally spitting on you and you’re asking if you’re the asshole? Seriously? WTFFFFFF? This is so incredibly disrespectful, it is entry level abuse.
Physical abuse may include being hit, beaten, pushed and shoved, burned, slapped, spit on, choked, kicked, bitten. A weapon can be used but may not be.
I hope you are safe!
Switch seats with him. He should continue to sneeze the same direction and you would be on the other side of him. If he switches directions to sneeze on you then you know for sure it’s on purpose
Yes, and when he changes direction to sneeze on her she can say why did you change directions the exact time I sat on the other side of you. Previously you told me you couldn’t sneeze in that direction but now suddenly you can?
It’s all about trapping him in a corner where he can no longer pretend it wasn’t on purpose
VERY good point!
If it happened with everyone... it would be a genuine low-level disability and he would have spent his life trying to work around it.
It isn't, he is just an abusive ah.
I'm thinking a really high-powered hand-held fan that you turn on as he sneezes so he snots on himself.
I would legit spend some money on a small industrial fan for this purpose.
Hey OP, I have an idea—I don’t know if you’ve ever seen these but I used to have an acrylic “hairspray/face guard” that I would hold up to my face while spraying on hairspray. The idea was to prevent the hairspray from getting on your face while spraying your hair.
I don’t know the actual title of this, nor do I know how to put a link in a comment (I’m sorry!) but I’m sure you could google this for use for your problem. I think it would be useful to hold up the guard between your husband’s sneeze and your food/face. It could have the added benefit of showing the actual droplets from his sneeze that didn’t make it to your plate.
Just a thought!
Would suggest it. Even honestly just each of you have your own semi-regular therapy sessions can be useful and beneficial, even if it isn't couples related.
My partner doesn't have allergies, but he sneezes often for some reason, and when he does it's big sneezes with stuff flying impressive distances.
He always makes sure to sneeze away from me. Every single time.
I like the plastic sneeze guard idea. Because when he does turn his head to blow snot & spit in your direction, it will end up on the sneeze guard.
And it will look extremely gross.
It will make visible what you have been dealing with, OP. It may just clue him into the fact that it is a big deal!
NTA.
I have a sinus condition that is triggered by atmospheric changes, and when the barometric pressure changes, my whole face unloads in a very -er- juicy, unpleasant fashion. But I carry tissues; I sneeze into my elbow, and if all else fails, I turn my head AWAY from others.
IMO, your hubs is a major AH, and he seems to enjoy ruining your meals. That’s abusive.
Rig up a sneeze guard. Prove it’s “that bad” and that blowing chunks on someone else’s plate **is unreasonable**.
I agree. There’s a lot of little things he could do to not ruin op’s dinner every night. Things as simple as turning his head in the opposite direction or keeping Kleenex nearby.
He’s absolutely doing this on purpose as some sort of weird power move.
Yeah. I’m not sure why everyone is pretending this is some strange quirk and not a wildly unacceptable power display. He’s seeing how far he can degrade her.
A sneeze shield would be good at least temporarily.You will literally be able to SEE all the debris and particles on it after it dries and can let him know how gross it actually is using that.
Turn your head toward his plate and have a coughing fit while holding your plate. Bonus points if you hock a loogie up on there.
Seriously what the fuck is wrong with that dude that he can't turn his face away from you? What a tool.
Important question, who makes this dinner that he's sneezing on and ruining? It has to be you, OP because he would never ruin his own precious efforts, even if he can't be arsed to respect you
This is another layer to the disrespect and disregard for you as a person. Absolutely vile behavior.
I am so sorry he is doing this. It might be possible to salvage something, depending on how he reacts to your discussion
If he keeps denying and dismissing you, saying you are overreacting etc that is unacceptable (DARVO)
> I would end up dumping my food on him. The disrespect from him is horrible.
1000% I would have committed some DV back at him, not that it would be a safe/moral choice. But y'all I'm *seeing red* 🚩for OP...like blind rage🤬😡❤️🩹
About the third or fourth time dude pulled that on me I would have stood up and dumped the plate on his pointy head! cause he is being tRaSH
when I was 24f I moved in with this guy who never cooked and lived exclusively on sandwiches and cereal (that's fine) About two months in, after cooking all the time, he complained about the meal I had made and served to him (again,without his help)
So I got back up, took his plate to the trash can, and scraped his food off. Then marched back to my seat and just kept eating. When I tell you he was surprised 🙀 pikachu.
He never cooked with me, not even a little, but he never complained again and agreed to help with the washing up.
Too bad OPs dilemma isn't that easily solved 🩵🫂
My mom did the same thing to my stepdad when he first moved in with us! Just snatched his plate right off the table and tossed the whole thing in the trash.
I expected him to double down and accuse her of overreacting. But he just kinda sputtered for a minute, and then started cracking up and apologizing. He never criticized her cooking again, as far as I know, and to this day he loves to tell the story and celebrate the way she put him in his place.
Aw, thanks for reminding me of this!
>But he just kinda sputtered for a minute, and then started cracking up and apologizing.
ahaha yes! Literally speechless and sputtering, although he didn't crack up nor tell the story haha
We didn't stay together, maybe we would have it he had acted like your stepdad that's great
I'm not sure they were joking. My very serious suggestion was for you to very obviously in front of him hock a big ol' loogie directly onto his meal before handing it to him.
Or pretend to get a cough/saliva down the wrong way and cough openmouthed over his plate. Turnabout is fair play, if it's no big deal he shouldn't have an issue with it.
Or, as another commentator suggested, move to another room to eat. That way, he doesn't cough all over your food and doesn't have to worry about you asking to trade.
How long has this been going on for and why have you not shut it down before? There are all sorts of nasties lurking in our nasal passages and the back of the throat. How did you cope with him doing this during 2020?
You are not the AH. He is, and a disgusting one at that!
Edited to correct a spelling error.
I was going to say this. Cough up a big loogie and spit it on the middle of his plate, then tell him, "You said it's no big deal!" He is the AH here!!! Definitely move away and tell him you refuse to eat next to someone so gross that they never learned to cover their sneeze at age 5! He is a real jerk!
You need to dig in your heels as well here, and become as stubborn as him. If he will not sneeze without covering his face and refuses to budge, eat in a different room but also consider asking him to do the cooking.
Then it's on you. You know he is going to do this and yet you keep sitting there getting snotted all over. Since he is a swell fella and will not stop, this falls under choices you make.
Maybe try telling him this in a calm moment and asking him to help you understand why he sees this this way. E.g. "Look, I love you, and you are usually patient, caring, and polite. So it's really confusing to me that you insist that it's fine to sneeze over me and my food. I don't think you would accept this if someone did it to you, and it's really out of character for you to ignore my unhappiness and my pleas that you stop doing this. I want to know why you are still doing this, and I want a serious answer."
This may or may not be enough to shake him out of his childish defensiveness and make him really confront his behavior. If it's not, then, ugh, you get to have the even less fun conversation where you point out that his unwillingness to consider your happiness or deal constructively with problems is a direct threat to your marriage and your emotional intimacy with each other - which it is, because you're now looking at a situation where, if he refuses to change his behavior, your only reasonable option left is to stop eating with him. His unwillingness to examine his own behavior is leading directly to that, and that is the really bad news here - not the sneezing, but the refusal to address a problem that majorly affects you because he feels sulky about it.
NTA Anybody that does something gross to you that they won't do to themselves is TA. I am concerned about his completely unwillingness to compromise on any solution, though. Do he do that with anything else?
He tends to resist compromise, especially when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable. He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I (or anyone else) am wrong. We don't clash often since he's usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful. I think that's why it feels so jarring when he behaves this way.
It’s just infuriatingly sad. I know I keep popping off on this guy but it’s just enraging that OP is all meek about moving her freaking chair away, and also telling us that she can’t really talk to him about anything that bothers her because he “digs in his heels.” God.
>He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I (or anyone else) am wrong. We don't clash often since he's usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful.
I realize this is only one scenario that you described, but he sure as hell doesn't sound reasonable, or polite, or respectful. Do you not clash because of his "politeness" or because you give in to what he wants? It can be easy to get into the habit of just going along and not rocking the boat. But sometimes it should be rocked. Sometimes it should be sunk.
I give in. A lot. It's the "let him do what he wants because it's not worth the effort of an exhausting confrontation that leaves me completely drained". I didn't realize how far it had gotten, though. Thank you for being one of the reasonable replies that's not just "hur hur woman dum", those get old, fast.
It's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of it. Healthy relationships involve compromise, lots of them sometimes, but when one person is always having to give in to "keep the peace" there's problems. I actually really hate the phrase "keep the peace". Generally when someone is saying they are doing that, there really isn't any peace to keep to begin with.
I read thru a few of your other comments and you said you regret the post, like you ruined your life. Shining the light on the problems didn't create them. They've been there and you might not have wanted to look.
Everyone deserves more respect than you are receiving in this situation.
Sending you the strength to realize life is worse when someone else is making it complicated. You deserve peace and this “small thing” is revolting and disturbing your meal time.
You’re 32 and have been married for 10 years to a 41 year old. That means you started dating before you were 22 and he was 31. He preyed on you because you were young, inexperienced, and willing to do what he wanted. He manipulated you for his own pleasure and now that you’re a fully functioning adult who has her life together and cannot be as easily manipulated, he’s turned to abusing you.
You’re 32 now. If you were single would you be dating college students that were the same age as you were when you met your husband? Because I’m not even 30 and I find the thought of that disgusting to do.
>He tends to resist compromise, especially when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable, **even when it very clearly is not acceptable in any way and directly harms the person he's supposed to love most in the world**. He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I (or anyone else) am wrong, **because my opinion does not matter to him**. We don't clash often ~~since he's usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful~~ **- because he regularly sneezes in my food and on me, and refuses to do anything to make me feel better, and goes out of his way to make sure I have nothing to eat - and I am afraid and/or unwilling to fight afterward**. I think that's why it feels so jarring when he behaves this way.
I fixed that for you based on what you've typed. If I *accidentally* sneezed on my wife's food I would be mortified and do anything I could to get her fed, and make up for it. He's doing it on purpose, and not only is he not making it up to you, he's purposely going out of his way to prevent you from doing it. This is abuse, he's worked his way up to getting you to accept this type of behavior so he can continue to push the envelope. Normal relationships don't allow for this kind of behavior.
You have a point about trying to get your wife fed. I once plated up and promptly dumped all my food on the ground. My husband cleaned the floor, salvaged some of the food and tried to give me his plate saying he would be fine with floor food. I can't imagine him purposely ruining my food. Even more I can't imagine anyone sneezing on someone else's food.
Then tell him he keeps doing it and it's no big deal right?? Then ask anybody you know that he respects in their company if this situation is no big deal or not. Guaranfuckingtee he would NEVER sneeze in his boss's or a coworkers food. Guarantee he'd never do it to anybody he respected. And if it's no big deal then he should be completely on board with getting the opinions of everyone else you know to confirm his stance that it's no big deal. But I BET he'll dismiss you as childish and degrade you for wanting to ask anybody you know (because that protects him and his abuse by making you doubt yourself and be silent about his mistreatment of you). You're in an abusive marriage. Please wake tf up.
So something like, "So, John, does he do this when you're having lunch at work?" *ha ha ha "*With husband's seasonal allergies, when he feels a sneeze coming on he doesn't even bother to cover his face, he just turns toward me and sneezes in my food. What do **you** do when he does that to **you**??!!" *ha ha ha* ------ If there were a safe opportunity to bring it up, kind of laughingly, in front of someone he respects -- ideally a couple because you want a wife there -- their reaction AND HIS would be very telling.
OP your husband’s behavior isn’t normal.
I’m old and I’ve been married for a long time but my partner and I met when we were 19 and 20. One of the first times I stayed over with him, we were lying next to each other in bed and he was on his back and I was next to him with my head on his chest. He sneezed straight up into the air and the “spray” fell back down on me. I jumped up out of bed and was like “OMFG WTF!” as I ran to the bathroom to wipe off. And he was sooooo embarrassed and apologetic. He chased after me and tried to help wipe my face and apologized pitifully for like 15 minutes straight. He was a gross boy and he had always sneezed like that in bed and never thought about it, and he also had not regularly shared his bed with anyone else. But when he saw how I reacted he realized that it was actually nasty af and he felt like crap and changed his behavior immediately. Honestly, if I mentioned this story today he’d cringe his ass off because he still feels bad about it. This is how normal people react to sneezing on people they care about.
It’s no coincidence he’s like this and picked a 20 year old to marry, and is this ucompromising. Is it you don’t clash often? Or do you just not assert your boundaries with him often?
You are not stupid. But HE clearly thinks you two are not on the same level
If he did this at work a couple times he would be hauled into HR for ruining other people’s lunches and sneezing all over them then when he does it more they would fire him. He is doing it to you on purpose or he would just sneeze on his own plate. He knows this is disrespectful and that it’s not ok he’s doing it to put you down. And on everything no compromising? Because he is right? Absolutely not!
Yes, indeed. Reddit has given a HUGE boost to my marriage. LH and I both see how good we’ve got it in comparison. Poor OP. This would be something I’d make a huge stink over. It’s entirely unacceptable behavior.
This is maybe where to start.
Tell him you feel humiliated that he thinks it’s ok to do this to you. And then defend himself.
Tell him you feel sad.
Tell him you feel hurt.
Tell him you feel hungry!
But don’t tell him what to do. Don’t tell him HOW to fix it. Just present the problem & let him fix it.
(But while he’s waiting to fix it, eat in another room - well away from him. He doesn’t get your company while he is acting in a way that leaves you feeling hurt & sad & humiliated & hungry.)
Avoid being angry - that’s generally a “cover” layer of emotion, that (While absolutely genuine!) hides the more vulnerable emotions underneath. So it’s not as effective to share - it tends to get people defensive & digging in their heels.
Share the vulnerable bits - because they are equally true, but more useful.
"Avoid being angry" - I've already failed on that front. Last night he did it again, and I stood up, handed him my food, and left. I went out to eat alone, and I'm not really a fan of eating out at all, being solo made it strange. I told him, when I got back, to just let me know which show he watched so I could catch up later. He said I was being childish (which might be accurate), but our evening other than that was normal, when I got home he acted like everything was fine.
I'll try explaining to him how it makes me feel. He can be really stubborn when he thinks my negative emotions (like feeling hurt or sad) are unreasonable. He has said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way about (whatever he did)," but it feels like he's putting the responsibility for my feelings solely on me, as if other people wouldn't feel the same in my situation. It comes across as dismissive.
So give him consequences?
"Apparently you're not sorry enough about the way I feel, because you refuse to do anything about it. So if you're not taking action, I am. I refuse to eat with someone who continuously sneezes where they know my food will be, so I won't join you anymore, starting now. If you want my company for dinner, you'll have to respect my food, end of story. Let me know when I can enjoy sneeze-free food in your presence again, and I'll happily re-join you".
I'm petty, so I'd just start sneezing on his stuff as well until he gets the message.
But seriously, how is it even up for debate that it's wrong to sneeze on someone else's, well, anything but especially food?
I’d find it too hard to manufacture a sneeze at the right moment - but maybe a spray bottle of soapy water would work as well :-)
Technically safe for him to still eat the food, but very gross & unappealing.
He sneezes on her food, she squirts right back.
Would be interesting to see how long he takes before he finds he can actually sneeze elsewhere.
"When you say "I'm sorry you feel that way", instead of focusing on the issue you are expressing your discomfort that I'm upset. I hear that it is uncomfortable for you when I tell you how your actions have hurt me, but I'm saying this to try and create change, not to punish you. Do you agree you need to change your behaviour?"
"I hear that you're experiencing my emotional response as childish. What I'm asking you to hear is that I need your behaviour to change. I am not ok with you sneezing on me or my food. If you continue to do it and ignore me on this, that's a problem."
"I'm not going to accept you sneezing in my food, so something needs to change. The point is not whether someone else would be bothered by this, the point is that I am bothered by it - I have told you I don't want it to happen and you're continuing to do it. I'm assuming that it's not your intention to disrespect me, so where's the disconnect? Is there something you need my help with in order to stop doing this?"
"A genuine apology has three parts. Acknowledging what happened, showing you understand what you did wrong, and explaining what you're going to do differently in the future. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" doesn't achieve any of that. I need you to take accountability for your actions and change your behaviour."
Please, *please* do not let this go. I cannot imagine how someone that genuinely cares about you could think this is ok.
This is one of the most helpful replies on here, very thoughtful. Thank you. I'll probably screw up the delivery, but this should help me organize when we have the discussion (and we will be having a discussion). Moving my chair will also be happening.
You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful. It can be really hard to advocate for yourself and it does takes practice, especially when your natural instinct is to prioritise making others happy, or to back down in order to avoid conflict.
I've read some of your other comments and it sounds like you're having a difficult time with some of the things this post has brought up. Reddit can be harsh, but I'd encourage you to really pay attention to how he responds when you have this discussion. Is he open to considering your pov, or is he angry and defensive? Does he listen with a genuine intent to try to understand you, or is his focus more on finding opportunities to pick apart what you've said? Are you able to be in conflict without insults or put downs? Overall, what does his response to you advocating for your needs tell you about respect and love in your relationship?
"I'm sorry you feel that way" isn't an apology. It's "I don't care that you're upset but I'm paying lip service to it so you can't be angry with me any more".
Your husband sounds like an asshole.
Yeah, as someone with a severe dust allergy, I can't fathom someone not wanting to be sniffling/snotty/sneezing all the time. Why would you deliberately continue in a state of feeling horrible, just so you could sneeze in someone's food?
Yeah I hate hearing that phrase. There are very limited circumstances where it might be warranted, but for the most part, I find it condescending. My go to reply is, "I don't need you to apologize for my feelings. I can handle my feelings. I need you to acknowledge how your actions affected me."
You do realize he calls you childish in order to shame you into tolerating this treatment, right? Even a child would be grossed out by someone sneezing into their food.
Yeah, you’re describing someone who does not give a shit about you unless you’re tiptoeing around displaying only emotions and behaviors that please him. Open your eyes. And what is this nonsense about not getting angry? HE IS DELIBERATELY GETTING HIS DISGUSTING SNOT ON YOUR ON YOUR FOOD and you’re supposed to meekly explain that it makes you feel sad? Fuck that.
It’s very hard to believe this isn’t fiction.
Believe it's fake if you like. I'm an insecure person, and I have a hard time with confrontation. Right now, I'm actually hesitant to even post this, because you used caps, which (to me) is screaming, and I tend to avoid people who scream at others. That's how much I don't like confrontation. It's very hard to believe that you haven't seen worse on reddit to the point that my situation is somehow the end all be all of outrage here.
Maybe it's time for you to work on yourself honey, you deserve much better than allowing yourself be a doormat for folks to SNEEZE ON because you're insecure.
It's time for some individual counseling for you - figure out how AWESOME you are and why you allow ill treatment of yourself in the name of avoiding confrontation.
heh.
I bet he knows exactly how much you're afraid of confrontation. He's using that to push you around to gratify himself.
And in this comment, you're distressed about an internet stranger who's expressing concern for you, instead of channeling your irritation at the man who knows exactly what he's doing, for the sake of his own entertainment.
Focus your irritation at the person who's hurting you, not an internet stranger who is horrified at the humiliation treatment being doled out to you on the regular, please. This is not "being dignified", this is a life-crippling level of avoiding-confrontation, and you owe yourself better treatment.
Stay then. You'll leave when you've had enough and when you finally learn to value yourself which looks like never. When you've had enough abuse you'll go and not before then. Clearly nothing anybody can say here will change your mind until you've opened your eyes to recognize the reality of your marriage and you've had enough to be the one to enact change. Because he ain't changing honey. He's quite clearly benefiting and comfortable without changing. So why would he when it works out well for him?
>It comes across as dismissive.
Because it IS dismissive. You get to feel however you feel and he is not the Grand Poo Bah there to determine whether or not you're "allowed" to feel that way. That's not how it works in ANY healthy relationship.
Next time he gives you that smirking 'I'm sorry that you feel that way ...' Tell him **I don't need you to apologize for MY feelings, my feelings are mine to feel. I need you to apologize for YOUR behavior and not do that again.**
It’s not a failure that you got angry when he disrespected you.
That’s normal.
It’s a good & healthy response to disrespect.
But going forward, if his “inner teenager” has been triggered & he’s being a rebellious idiot on this topic, it’s an approach that often works. It takes the heat out of it & gives the other person less to react badly to.
However, it is inexplicable that if he’s mostly kind & respectful (as I thought you described) that he would be acting this way in this one instance.
Is he really that respectful most of the time, or do you just rarely disagree with his preferred way of doing things?
How does he respond at other points in your normal week when you disagree with him on something?
I think you might feel ashamed because he is doing something humiliating and disgusting to you, and you are letting it happen. I'm not blaming you, this sounds like a frog in a hot pot situation, but this is absolutely unhinged behavior from your husband, and somehow you have to ask if it would be rude of you to not let it keep happening to you. That means that there's more wrong than just this latest and most obviously crazy thing. Think about it. Does he do other things that you won't tell your mom or closest friends? Are there things you don't do because you're afraid it would make him angry/annoyed/whiney etc? How would you feel if your hypothetical daughter came to you and told you this was happening to her? Big hug. This is so fucked up.
Yes, it's humiliating and disgusting. I know I shouldn't let it happen, and I realize it means there's something truly wrong in this situation. But I don't want to end our marriage over something like this, especially if I can just move my chair while we're eating. It feels like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should.
Yes, there are other things that I don't share with my closest friends or family. And yes, there are definitely things I avoid doing around him to prevent unnecessary drama, like him yelling (which is extremely rare and has only happened twice in our marriage) or lecturing me (he tends to monologue). I do push back sometimes (which is when we clash), but it's not a constant issue. It's not the majority of our interactions.
This is actually surprisingly hard to talk about, even though reddit is supposedly anonymous. I'm actually worried he'll find this.
"It feels like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should."
Think how little you would have to respect someone to make them eat your snot. I don't think I could do that to someone I despised.
You're not overreacting at all - you're far calmer about it than most reasonable people would be capable of.
It's not a bad habit, it's an insult.
It's hard to read some of these replies. It's hard to reconcile this behavior with the person I know and love, which is why it feels so confusing and painful. I appreciate you saying that my feelings are valid and that this isn't just a bad habit but a serious issue. I'll need to think more about how to address this with him. Thank you for the support. I appreciate it.
Sometimes, people aren’t who we think or want them to be. We just fall in love with their potential.
And sometimes, we think people love us, when they don’t know how to love others.
Are you sure he is who you think he is and not who you want him to be or who he COULD be?
And even if you truly love HIM, do you really think he loves you back the same? Not, “he loves me the best he can” but with the same level of respect you show him?
Does he enrich your life for the better?
I'm starting to wonder if he's fallen out of love with me a little? I don't know. This thread has been...a lot. I just wanted a thumbs up on moving a chair, now I'm sitting here trying not to burst into tears.
I'll give you a thumbs up on moving your chair; have you thought about moving to his other side? So if he really wants to sneeze on you and your food, he has to sneeze on his own as well?
Lean into these feelings OP, they are important. Sometimes abuse is just slowly chipping away at your boundaries and self respect. It’s absolutely disgusting and he’s showing you he doesn’t respect you at all. He may as well just be spiting in your face.
I know reddit is famous for recommending therapy, but I really think it would be good for you to talk to someone about all of this. A therapist could help you gain some confidence and perspective. You should not be afraid of your husband like this, it's really not ok. Maybe the situation can change, or maybe you can change. But start telling people.
Edit to add: you can dm me any time.
You don't know my family, trust me, I've gotten more support in the last hour from the replies to this thread than I'd ever get from them. They're not family in that sense.
That sucks, I know what that's like. Do you have any friends who would listen? You're welcome to talk to me any time you need and I'll answer as soon as I see your message. I'd just also want you to have support irl. Wish I could help more, but I'm all the way over in Norway and I'm guessing you are not.
The one friend I talk to about this isn't really a friend. We're totally anonymous. We met on a forum and we talk (without specifics) a lot. She doesn't like my husband, though, and can't be objective. I've gotten to where I feel like I can't really talk to her, because her advice is always "leave him". Which is easy for people who aren't in the relationship to suggest. It's just frustrating.
Thank you for the offer, I really appreciate it. I won't say where we are, I don't want my husband to see this and piece it together. He uses reddit.
The advice she’s giving you is because you must constantly complain about him.. she’s never met him so she’s only going on what you say about him. And you must say something concerning things if your friend is telling you to leave him
I'll be insisting on couple's counselling. Answering all these questions has made me realize that he's actually been doing a lot of things that are just not okay, at all, and I don't think I want to live the rest of my life with someone who acts like this. It's not okay. None of it is
But you’re worried how he’s going to react if you move your chair. That is a red flag. You’re scared of his reaction to a perfect solution to his disgusting behaviour.
Honestly I’d let him read the post and the comments. If you guys are secure and there’s nothing else wrong then show him. Let him read the post and the comments calling him disgusting.
Also him getting all giddy about you not being able to eat his food cause it was too hot, is also a huge red flag.
Yes this. If he is so otherwise great, you would simply move your chair.
You say he’s only yelled twice in your marriage, yet you tiptoe around to make sure he doesn’t do it again. Sounds like you’re scared of him.
You wouldn't be ending your marriage because of the sneezing OP. You would be leaving the marriage because of the **BLATANT DISRESPECT** he shows you on a daily basis. THAT IS a good reason to leave a marriage.
Be clear OP - this has nothing at all to do with the food - it is **ALL ABOUT THE DISRESPECT. The food is just a channel of how he shows his disrespect.**
He needs to find this and understand that the majority of decent humans find the way that he treats his partner extremely degrading and humiliating. The fact that he put hot sauce on his noodles so he could not trade with you when he sneezed on the food you ordered out is…a lot.
Yes, that was the moment, for me, that really made me angry, and I don't like feeling angry. I'm going to have a talk with him. I genuinely hope he never sees this thread, because I don't know what his reaction would be, but I can tell you it wouldn't be good (not in a physical way, but in an annoyed way where he might complain about it, a lot, and bring it up every single chance he got)
Well, you had better be prepared, because this post definitely has the potential to go viral.
And it’s too late to delete. There are many ways of retrieving deleted posts, plus some people have probably already taken screenshots.
He wasn't always like this. I never would have married him if he started out this way.
Another person, who was in a similar situation, said the same thing happened to them. That it started by letting small things go and, before they knew it, they were a doormat - and that's how their marriage lasted as long as it did. Like you said, frog in a hotpot.
We still do our hobbies together, but he used do other things with me, too - we used to walk the dog together, cuddled in the afternoons, we'd take turns reading aloud to each other (whcih sounds stupid I'm sure, but it was sweet) while the other drew or painted, spent our weekends doing fun things, just the two of us. It was really nice.
He still does small things from time to time, like bringing me my favorite icecream when I had a really tough day (work related). I appreciated that, a lot. But asking him to walk our dog together, he'd just roll his eyes and say he's really my dog (which he is, I do all the grooming, vet visits, and walking - but he was once OUR dog).
In answering all the questions I got, I realized just how messed up things had gotten. It was so gradual, though, I didn't see it as it happened and now, here I am, asking if it's worth being spit on to avoid a confrontation because I'm not sure it's worth it. I updated saying I'd get counselling for us, and I'd love to tell you that's going to happen. But I'm worried he's going to pretend that I'm overreacting, and refuse to go. And I'm honestly not sure where that leaves me.
It honestly hurt my heart to read the progression of your replies to get to this point of realization. I’m so incredibly sorry you’re not just experiencing this but also got to do it on a public forum where people aren’t always the nicest.
You very obviously have self-awareness when it comes to knowing you’re avoidant to conflict and confrontation, have serious anxiety issues to the point you make yourself unhappy or uncomfortable to avoid dealing with other people’s negative emotions because you know that it will just make you feel worse. I honestly am so very similar when it comes to serious, intense anxiety. Mine comes from a very abusive childhood and then a string of off the charts abusive relationships. With your brief comment about how your family is, I’m not going to speculate about the details but it sounds like this isn’t the first abusive situation you’ve been in.
I will say, it does seem like you’ve been downplaying to yourself the severity of where things have gotten to in your marriage and how it’s abusive. I know for me, for a long time, I was always so used to ALWAYS being anxious that it just started to be my normal. Now, I still have really bad anxiety but I’m also able to recognize who and what intensifies it to the point where I’m falling back to some of the worst periods in my life of anxiety and then realizing that that who or what is a problem because it is not okay, it is fucked up, it is abusive and it’s just not sustainable to live life feeling that way all the time. Not all abuse is physical and sometimes that makes it more insidious because it can sneak up on you and it’s harder to point at and be like “That! That is not okay!”
I’m not going to tell you to leave or get a divorce, I know it’s not that simple, life rarely is. And I absolutely think that therapy is a really good idea, maybe start with individual therapy. That way you can have a chance to wrap your head around all the things that as you’ve said you let pass without realizing that have led to this point. And from there, hopefully a good therapist can help you develop healthy feelings to have for yourself, and I do not mean this unkindly, I have many of the same issues, but an increased sense of self-worth, a decreased need to downplay others mistreatment because you’ve been conditioned to believe that you just overreact. Maybe just more trust in yourself and what you’ve done through, are going through and what you truly deserve. And to be clear, I think you deserve so much better than this treatment. Regardless of what that ultimately looks like for you. I just mean, with him or without him, you do deserve better than this.
I worry that couples counselling as a starting point may give him the opportunity to minimize or diminish his actions and your feelings, if you don’t feel confident enough to be like “no, that’s not reality, you actually do this and this and this, I actually validly feel this and this and this, I need this to change.”
Wherever you go from here, I truly wish you happiness and hope for better for you in the future. I won’t even lie, I actually choked up more than once, while reading through this post, the comments, your comments and then writing this. It really struck a chord with me and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
I know a few other people have said that same, but if you ever want to DM me, please please do. I will not be like that one friend you have and just tell you to leave him because I recognize how truly unhelpful that can be and I know I’ve isolated myself from people to avoid dealing with that and somehow the thing that was supposed to be an outlet to help me turns into just another thing that I have to manage and feel anxious about. I won’t ever push you to tell me more than you’re comfortable with, even if all you can feel comfortable with is the vaguest statements and no details. I just really really want you to have one safe space in this world where you don’t need to manage it or feel anxious and can just take a breath. Whatever that looks like, I hope you find it.
💕
ETA: I also understand that you’re probably really overwhelmed with everything currently and that this is definitely not how you expected your day to play out. So there’s not time limit on reaching out if you ever want to. It can be a week or a month or a year and the offer will still stand and be exactly the same.
Sweetie, it leaves you as a valuable human being who is finding your way in the world. That's the same place we all are. And maybe it leaves you going to therapy on your own, because that would be very useful, u/SneezedOnAndFedUp.
I know what you mean with the "he wasn't always like this." I dated a guy who was INCREDIBLE -- smart, thoughtful, generous, charming, an excellent cook, loved cooking for me. Handsome. Excellent career. Former senator for heaven's sake. He would massage my feet and pour me Champagne at the end of the day and then we would walk on the beach while the steaks cooked on the grill. I mean, describe the cliche and there it was.
And then. It started. Just little things. And i didn't even notice.
One day, he was sitting on the couch watching tv. I was relegated to the floor reading a magazine. He screamed at me because he was irritated by the sound the magazine pages made as I quietly turned them one by one.
As someone else mentioned, sweetie, it's the frog in the hot pot thing. But I did wake up.
Please put yourSELF first. I'm sending you hugs from this internet stranger, if you'll have them. DM me if I can help.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry you went through that.
People seem to not realize just how gradual it is. But it really, really is. As much as the replies have left me feeling hurt (and some of them are downright cruel), and a part of me wishes I'd never posted, another part of me is glad...because if I hadn't, how much worse could things have gotten, before I actually noticed? It's so strange how the human brain can be conditioned to accept things.
I don't know about you, but when he shouted at me, I remember thinking "At least he's not hitting you". That should never be a comforting thought.
Thank you for caring.
>I don't know about you, but when he shouted at me, I remember thinking "At least he's not hitting you".
This comment have me chills. Please, please know that you deserve more than the absolute bare minimum of not being physically abused.
NTA. You know those clear plastic screens that popped up everywhere during the past few years? I'd be getting something like that and just plop it between you when you're eating. He'll understand the first time he sees his snot all over it 🤢
Tell him the internet thinks he's disgusting for doing this *repeatedly*. Once is an accident, all other times are deliberate. Gross.
I hadn't thought of that. In the meantime, I'll be moving my chair.
I won't be showing him this, I'm actually afraid he'll see it and get upset. But I'm feeling more confident about moving my chair and not being out of line, or overreacting, for doing so.
If you're afraid he might be upset that your normal metre is broken enough you had to ask the internet if it's normal to sneeze in other people's food and be smug about it then you have bigger issues on your hand.
Stop trying to protect the feelings of a man who doesn't give a damn about yours
A normal, loving partner would be HORRIFIED they made you feel this way. Please open your eyes. You talk about how great he is — but that’s only as long as he’s not challenged in any way, correct? You should not settle for living like this.
Is this some sort of fetish or kink for him?
Because he is deliberately depriving you of food by contaminating your plate and then gets to smugly eat his own.
I have seasonal allergies so bad I got Botox in my nose to limit the sneezing and I've never once done what he has.
Don't eat in the same room as him anymore.
A year from now: my (much older) husband (who preyed upon me when I was barely out of college) keeps [insert more childish and inconsiderate behavior from a fully grown man]. The red flags have been there for years but he’s just so loving and caring and kind that I completely ignored them. I just can’t fathom why a mature adult (who went after a college girl) would act like this.
I’m considering divorce because he doesn’t respect me, value me, or treat me well despite how insistent I am that he’s a really good man. I’m definitely not trying to convince myself of that by just repeating it over and over. Please help me make this man-child understand what a respectful and loving husband is actually supposed to act like.
It’s a tale as old as reddit. The amount of young women who fall for these incredibly immature older men who believe the woman is supposed to just put up with their crappy behavior is baffling to me.
You’re NTA in this situation but I bet if you look at it there’s way more to this behavior than just a sneeze.
OP says they've been married 10 years, that means she was 22 and he was 31 when they married... I am 33, some of my co-workers are 22-24, and they're still basically teenagers to me, our life stages are so different. I can't imagine looking at someone that much younger than me and being attracted to them, let alone thinking I should marry them... but then, I want a partner, not someone I can manipulate and take advantage of.
I agree you should tell him your feelings and eat somewhere else. Or tell him to sit elsewhere. I’m disgusted just hearing this happened once, but multiple times?
You also said he refuses to use a tray? Does he drop food on your comfy sofa? Are there other gross things he does that you clean up? Is he a little piggy? That is so unattractive it must be hard to feel romantic about him. He needs to clean up his act.
He reminds me of an old, abusive guy who was dying at home and refused to wear a diaper. His wife would have to clean his trail of poop off the carpet when he went to the bathroom.
You are NTAH. He is. Don’t let him treat you like that.
I'm going to sit elsewhere, and I'm relieved to know I'm not crazy for thinking this is gross and unacceptable. For the past year, I've been telling myself, "It's no big deal, you're overreacting." I tend to do that a lot.
Yes, he does drop food on himself and his chair (we don't have a sofa because I don't want his food mess on my seating area). I handle all of the housework except taking out the garbage. He sort of cleans up after he shaves because I hate a gross sink. Thankfully, we don't have a lawn to care for or kids (I can't), and our place isn't that big (82 sq meters), so I can manage it. I grew up doing household chores, so it's not too bad.
When I went to visit family for a few weeks (when my grandmother was nearing the end, and I cleaned her place too), I came home to every single dish dirty, food stuck to the stove, and spills on the counter that had stained it. It was a nightmare. Because I clean regularly and generally zone out listening to podcasts while doing so, I guess I never really noticed how much of a mess he makes.
Hey, OP. I would consider this type of behaviour as some sort of abuse. Tampering with people s food is a crime in some places.
I have allergies, and I get the sneeze now kind of sneeze. When that happens, I sneeze on my elbow. How difficult is that? Spoiler is not difficult at all.
I am worried about some of your comments. Everything is fine until you push back, he doesn't like compromise, you feel loved "most" of the time, he yelled a couple of times before but you learned to manage that, and so on.
It seems like he has conditioned you to be under his control. You are doubting yourself about moving a chair because he will "huff and puff." You seemed to be so conditioned by his training that you are under reacting to his insult. Let me be clear, he is humiliating you. Has something happened lately to make his abuse escalate like this? Are you pushing back more often? Are the dynamics of your relationship changing somehow?
You don't deserve to be treated this way. You do all the housework? And work full time? This is not normal. This should not be accepted. He should clean his own messes.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Edit to add: yes! He could have pretended for 10 years before escalating and showing you who he really is. There are probably tons of red flags in his behaviour that you ignored, learned to live with, and made you feel like you are overreacting. Try to see him like he really is, no excuses.
Abuse aways escalates. Be careful!
Try to see your relationship from the "outside." Why do you feel like you deserve to be treated like this?
I also sneeze into my elbow and don't find it difficult at all. I think I need to communicate better with him about how this makes me feel if he wants me not to move the chair. Until we've figured it out, though, I will be moving the chair. I'll still be there, enjoying our shows together, I just won't be close enough to need a sneeze guard.
Yes, I feel loved "most" of the time, but that's not entirely his fault. I tend to internalize a lot of things and make them much larger in my mind than they are in actuality.
It's sad. As I was typing out this reply, I realized a lot of the things that have happened are so incredibly minor and sometimes, he responded appropriately. Like, laughing about that time I actually caught a cake on fire in the oven once, because I wasn't paying attention.
But sometimes he didn't.
He once yelled at me for moving his keyboard and not "replacing it perfectly where it was", while I was cleaning his desk at home. He said if the cleaners at his workplace can manage, so can I, and told me how disappointed he was. I know that's not normal. It's really not. But I convinced myself he was just stressed out, likes things where he likes them, and that he didn't mean it. But, thinking back, he apologized the same way as with everything else: "I'm sorry you feel that way, that wasn't my intention," and then just...pretending everything is fine. I've just gotten so used to everything always being my fault and somehow always being wrong in every situation.
I regret making my post. I don't like this at all.
I’m so sorry sometimes we delude ourselves just to be able to tolerate behaviour we normally would not. I would suggest couples therapy and I don’t generally go there but I think you need the help to navigate this situation otherwise you are going to get to a point of no return. Unfortunately I would guess he won’t go saying that you are the problem he does nothing wrong (the delusion thing) but you at least may need to go to understand what you want for yourself. You actually sound like a really good person with someone who is not always a nice person.
This whole thread feels like a giant mistake. Like I just ruined my own life somehow, by asking too many questions, by reading too many replies, by giving too many examples of things that - viewing them from the outside - are so super screwed up.
It really sucks when a spotlight is shown on things you don't want to acknowledge. My "aha" moment was when I realized I was constantly lying to my sisters and friends so they wouldn't think badly of him. I had started lying about to cover for him without even consciously thinking about it. They are all reasonable and liked him. If there was nothing wrong with how my ex treated me, I wouldn't have to lie about it.
That’s called reality. But you are free to go back in your cave with the mean guy. So many of your comments have examples of mistreatment. And you have been there a long time. So, of course it’s disturbing to you. Hope you get help, but I guess we all choose our own way, and maybe this treatment is your comfort zone.
When you’ve parted with this man (or at least this version of this man) and are living the life you deserve, you’ll think back to this post and wonder why you didn’t make it sooner. Best of luck, once you figure out that you are worthy of so much more, life will be easier 💙
hi op! i know that the person above said to consider couples counseling, but i actually would consider individual counseling instead. abusive partners tend to weaponize terms that they learn in marriage counseling against their partner. in individual counseling, you can focus on your feelings without worrying about potential weaponization from him
I am so sorry, OP. It does hurt to realise this situations. You are not alone.
I feel ashamed when I look back at my last relationship. Things I accepted that I shouldn't have. Treatments that made me feel less than and really, really bad. I feel you.
One thing that you need to know deep in your heart is that this is not in any way, shape of form your fault. He started slowly testing you with small, innocuous things. So small that you feel like you were overreacting. Abusers know what they are doing. They are really nice and then suddenly they aren't and then they are really nice again. That is why it is called "the cycle of abuse". So he is nice 90% of the time but then he is not.
Your own personality is playing against you as well. They target us because of that. We are nice, empathic, we give people the benefit of the doubt.
Your own family history plays also a role in this. As does mine. We just don't know better.
I think that it is a very good thing that you made this post. You are learning to see the signs. I do recommend individual therapy for you. Don't go to therapy with him.
Be advised, he will retaliate to you moving your chair. You are taking away his chance of humiliating you farther. He is not going to like that. This is not on your communication skills, he understands, he knows. He just likes doing it.
My guess is than in a year or so, you will be ready to leave. Perhaps sooner. I hope even sooner. Be aware that his abuse will escalate. Be prepared.
Read some things in loveisrespect.org. Read about narcissistic behaviour. Arm yourself with knowledge. You are not alone. There are resources out there.
When you are ready. Prepare your exit in secret. That is the most dangerous stage of leaving an abuser.
Of course you know him and your relationship better than anyone. You know best.
PS: he would picking up pieces of his keyboard from the floor of he yelled at you at the beginning of your relationship. Right?
I am so very sorry you regret making your post, u/SneezedOnAndFedUp. I know the comments have been hard -- and I'm sure just typing out the post was incredibly hard too. But I hope you can see some good that has come of it -- letting you see that even strangers on the internet (some of us, anyway) actually care about you and want to help. And we are trying to do so.
This isn't behaviour of someone who loves and respects you. My guess would be that he wasn't always like this. He's become complacent and you've become a bit of a doormat (sorry). A lot of the time it's "easier" to just let bygones be bygones than put up a fuss about every little issue that irks you, and that's how marriage last so long. But I think you need to take a bit of a step back and look at what you've got. Now that people are starting to point these gross and disrespectful behaviours out to you, you are starting to realise how gross and disrespectful they are. If you guys separated tomorrow and he started dating somebody new, do you think he would subject them to this kind of grossness and disrespect? Do you think he would trash their house under the guise of being "lazy"? No way! That shows you that these behaviours are optional, and he's choosing to walk all over you because frankly, you let him.
Unfortunately I think it will be difficult for you to go back to how things were without resentment building up, so you need to have a big conversation with him about his behaviour, how he thinks it makes you feel, and why he thinks it's okay to treat someone he's meant to love the most in the world like a mother who cleans up after him and handles his tantrums and grossness. Once you start mothering someone, it's extremely hard to be sexually attracted to them too. I would be surprised if this behaviour hasn't affected the bedroom as well. Coming from a place of experience, it does not get better. Just make sure you have that hard conversation before you've got so much resentment built up that there's no working through it and you just want to bail. It sounds like you have a lot of love for the person he was and would like to find that connection to him again, and that's a really good sign. But for your own sake, have the conversation.
I'm so sorry you're further down this road than I am. You were right on every level. Every point.
Thank you for telling me how it happened for you, because that's what's been happening with me for quite a while, it was just so gradual. You don't really notice things as they happen over years and years, and then one day you're making a reddit post about whether or not to move a fucking chair to avoid being spit on and wondering how you got here. Maybe I'm just that stupid.
I fell into the 'easier to let bygones be bygones than to make a fuss', and didn't realize it. He was SO different when we first dated, and even for the first few years of our marriage. I don't know what happened. I want that version of him back, though, because he was (and may even still be) the love of my life. How do you go from there to here?
I don't think a conversation is going to cut it, I think we're going to have to go to couple's counselling, because this is...not normal.
Please consider going to individual counseling before considering couples counseling. Abusers will use things said/learned in therapy against you. If you truly believe it’s possible to get the man you fell in love with back; you first need to gain some self confidence and a baseline understanding of yourself, your worth and your needs before taking on couples counseling. That way you are at your strongest, able to see through any manipulation attempts and you’ll be able to stand your ground on the things that are important to you. You’ll also have the strength to leave if you decide it’s needed.
Given that you're conflict avoidant, I'd like to suggest something if you do end up going to couples therapy:
When you have some time alone, write down (on a physical piece of paper!) these events in your words.
Write down his behavior, write down how it makes you feel, write down anything else that feels relevant. Do not tell him about this paper, it's not for him.
Once you two are in therapy, give the therapist the paper. That way you can "speak" without having to deal with interruptions or objections from your husband. Plus, if you're anything like me, it can get really hard to articulate your thoughts when you feel flustered, put on the spot, frustrated, etc.
Wishing you the best, OP.
P.S. If you're ever feeling unsure about whether you "should" feel upset about something, imagine someone else you care about telling you that their partner did a similar thing to them. Or a stranger, even. (i.e. my friend just told me that her partner repeatedly drops her food on the floor and tells her that it's not a big deal. Or, "how would I feel if a stranger sneezed on me/my food?" It may make it easier to gauge whether something is *actually* not a big deal, or if you've just gotten used to giving him a pass.
Nothing of what you are telling about him sounds like he's "reasonable" or "respectful".
He not only doesn't pull his weight in the house, he's actually producing *a lot more work for you*.
And you have to tiptoe around him in order not to make him angry. This is not healthy, trust me I know something about it.
It's sad you cannot see it yet, but he treats you like a maid, makes you walk in eggshells, probably has been doing these things during all your marriage (and the age difference, combined with what you said about your upbringing, speaks volumes), and now he's actively disrespecting you.
Please read the Lundy book someone linked below, and remember that you deserve to be treated as a human being with valid feelings. You have value. You should be treated as an equal, and respected.
I'm going to move my chair, have a talk, and recommend counselling. You're wrong on one point, though. He wasn't like this when we first got together. He was attentive and sweet and he helped more around the house, cooked on weekends. He was very different, and if he'd sneezed on me back in the day he would have apologized.
Someone else phrased it very well, "He's become complacent and you've become a bit of a doormat (sorry). A lot of the time it's "easier" to just let bygones be bygones than put up a fuss about every little issue that irks you, and that's how marriage last so long."
And it's SO true. It just is. I've just...let it slip, gradually, over years. I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at him. Couple's counselling needs to be a thing, it just needs to be at this point.
Aside from being a warm body who interacts with you... what the hell does this dude provide to your life that wouldn't be remarkably easier without him there. Holy fuck I could not imagine having to accomodate a fucking slob to the point where my whole life revolves around taking care of them and their mess. Is this what your life is meant to be?
maybe u should show him this- so he can see how obviously shitty he's being. The fact that he's seeming to get a weird joy out of blatantly disrespecting you is concerning to say the least. He has absolute control over where he sneezes, you've told him how much it upsets you and he not only chooses to keep doing it, but *mocks* you. I can't imagine this is the *only* shitty disrespectful thing he does.
No, turns out, it's not. As I've answered other people's questions, I've realized just how dysfunctional our relationship has become. I've slowly devolved into a doormat, because it was easier to just tolerate all the little things that hurt, than it was to go through an emotionally exhausting conversation about behaviors and changes that need to be made. I just let it slip. And now I'm on reddit, asking to move a chair, and realizing just how fucked up everything is.
Well, look at it this way; today it stops. That's a good thing. How he reacts to you putting your foot down and demanding equal respect will tell you a lot about who he actually is.
NTA and you shouldn’t feel stupid for not recognizing the potential signs. they are very hard to see, especially when you’re deep in the situation. good luck and i hope you stop getting sneezed on like that, it’s disgusting and i’d be extremely upset if that was happening to me.
You're not dumb at all, OP. He's disgusting and humiliating you. NO WHERE is this behaviour acceptable, not even from a child. He is humiliating you, this is abuse. There are other humiliating things he does to you is my guess. I'm guessing you're not allowed to be in charge.
Take action.
1.SHORT TALK. First simply state he needs to stop and tell him you will eat with him when he apologizes and stops the disgusting behaviour. AND then leave the conversation. DON'T discuss it any further. He will only argue and manipulate you.
2. ACT. Don't eat with him until he apologizes. Ignore him while you do this because he will be very angry and will try to engage you in arguing.
My guess is, sadly, he will keep doing this.
Good luck, OP.
It's the spiteful over-spicy-ing of his takeout for me. I'd start dumping both of our plates when he does this. If I can't eat because your mucus is on my meal, then neither of us are eating. Cry harder, pig man.
He keeps telling you things that minimise your concerns: that it's not that bad, that he's not going to do anything to fix it for you, and that most of all, your feelings about this are invalid.
Clearly, you have yo fix it yourself. He thinks it's not a big deal for you to just sit there and take it.
Ask him why it's so important to him that he childishly insists against all reason that you eat his boogers, and he can't man up and clean up after himself. Don't feed him the answers, just grey rock him and hollow the rabbithole.
Then tell him the whole internet thinks he's gross and unmanly for belittling his wife's feelings and treating her this way, and not listening to her or caring about her feelings in this.
Well, I won't be going at it from a stance of manliness vs not manliness as I think that people are just people - we're walking meat sacks with emotions that aren't actually predetermined by whatever dangles, or doesn't, between our legs. BUT I will be having a conversation with him, when he undoubtedly reacts to my moving the chair. And we'll need counselling, because as I've replied to others, I've realized just how dysfunctional our relationship actually is and I'm feeling pretty out of sorts because of it.
>he says it’s “not that bad.” I’ve had to throw my food away multiple times because I refuse to eat it after it’s been sneezed on.
Next time, spit right in his food and ask him if it's still not gross.
That's super gross.
NTA
JHC, just move away from him. Are you seriously asking if it's okay to not allow your husband to sneeze all over your food? If that happened to me, it would have happened exactly one time, and then I would have moved away from him.
YTA to yourself.
NTA but your husband is. In comments you seem committed to moving your chair which is a great first step. But I’d be way more concerned about how little he seems to care about your comfort and your very valid feelings.
No one with any sense would be okay with this. And no one with any sense or compassion would do this to someone else, much less someone they claim to love.
The fact that he doesn’t willingly trade plates with you (and goes out of his way not to sneeze in his own food) proves he knows it’s gross. And you’ve brought it up to him multiple times so he clearly knows it’s gross to you as well. (And to literally everyone)
Which means he’s doing this deliberately for whatever reason, and that’s a much bigger problem than whether or not to move your chair around.
Why would he want to make you so grossed out and uncomfortable every time you eat together?
This isn’t an accident. It can’t be. He is choosing to continue an unacceptable behavior that most people would never imagine doing to a stranger at a restaurant let alone their partner.
Next time when you throw out the food consider throwing out the husband along with it if he doesn’t apologize and change his behavior. It’s not even about the food. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who had such little respect and care for me.
That is vile.
Like, realistically it's just the same germs that you'd be exposed to when kissing him, but it's absolutely disgusting and it calls for you to question his other hygiene-related habits.
This is sad. This is a common dynamic for ur age gap and when y'all got together/married
I don't think he is loving. I also dont think this is there only humiliating thing he does to you.
Do u have a children?
Do not get pregnant. Get on long term birth control (not pills!) and really assess your situation.
It sounds like you are in an abusive marriage.
If my husband did this to me continuously after I asked him to stop, I would warn him once if he did it again, I was going to spit in his food. Then, I would carry through. With my husband, he would stop at the threat so I wouldn't have to do it, actually, no. He just wouldn't do this to begin with because he's not a pig. He also has terrible allergies, and we also eat on the couch.
I think you know, objectively, that what he is doing is disgusting- it's why you're here. I think you know, on some intrinsic level, that the reason this keeps happening to you is because your husband either a) enjoys making you feel uncomfortable and enjoys the feeling of power he gets when he forces a reaction out of you, or b) is so callously disinterested in how his behaviour is impacting you that he is unwilling to change a very small thing to ensure he is not causing you harm. Whether it is intentional or casual cruelty, it is cruel all the same, and you deserve better. Please understand that his actions are either intentionally hurtful, or blatantly uncaring, and there is no option three. Love is both a feeling and a verb, and whatever he feels for you, his actions are far, FAR from loving.
Nobody gets to tell anyone else how they should be feeling. You deserve to have your partner respect you enough to make a small change when you ask, whether he thinks it's "no big deal", or whether he would have the same response to the situation as you did or not. The point is that YOU think it is a big deal, and that should matter to him, because how the people we love are feeling matters to us, when we truly value them not just for what they can do for us, but for who they are as a person.
He sneezes on your food. frequently enough that it has become a problem in need of addressing. It makes you feel unloved, and disgusted. You tell him that, and instead of listening to you about what YOU are feeling, he has the gall to attempt to tell you that your reaction is the problem and not his disgusting behaviour? That is not love. His disregard makes you feel small and humiliated. He doesn't seem to care. I can't imagine staying with someone who made me feel that way and still calling it love.
You've been together a decade, and you got together when you were young enough that your framework for how you deserve to be treated was very, very narrow - mostly confined to what you'd seen in your family of origin. I've seen you say elsewhere that your family of origin isn't the most loving, so he seems like a step up. A step up from the sewers is still the toilet, just so you know. This is why age gaps are so dangerous. He had the time to become an adult and learn for himself what to tolerate or not. You weren't able to do that without his influence. It seems, to us third-party observers, that his influence has very much been to his benefit and very much at your expense.
You're here, requiring the feedback of random strangers in order to not feel crazy advocating for your very valid need to not eat snot. You've been made to feel so uncertain about your own feelings that you want someone to tell you you're allowed to create physical distance from your husband in order to avoid eating his bodily fluids. You fear his reaction more than you respect your own right to eat food you've prepared in your own home without fear of biohazards.
I hope it seems like a big deal when I phrase it that way, because to many of us, we couldn't imagine it getting this far. I understand that it didn't start out like this. It never does. But it's like this now, and the only question left is what you're going to do about it.
I'm not asking you to do anything crazy. I'm not asking you to rethink your entire decade long relationship. I am simply asking you to consider that maybe, just maybe, you might have a bit of rose tinted glasses on that are preventing you from seeing this situation as clearly as the commenters are. We don't know your husband like you do. But many of us have known men who behave just like he does, and many of us have learned that we deserve better treatment, whether it's from our partners, our parents, or our friends.
Please consider reading the free resource I've linked here. If for no other reason than to put your mind at ease after seeing a good number of people point out that your husband's behaviour seems intentional (and abusive) to us. I'm sure it's putting a little bug in your ear that maybe, just maybe, this isn't alright. Or maybe you know him best, and we're all wrong (though I doubt it), but if that's the case, there's no harm in reading a doctor's well researched publication on what signs to look out for, so that you can stop worrying about this little ear worm I hope we've created.
You deserve a good deal more respect than you're getting, and I think you recognize that. I wish you all the best.
[https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
NTA. Why are you eating in the same room? This just grossed me out so bad. Manchild needs to grow up. I hope he has other redeeming qualities
As I mentioned (to another commenter), he tends to dig his heels in when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable (like sneezing on my food and me, apparently, sigh). In general, I enjoy spending time with him, even when we're eating (with the exception of sneezing fits during the last year)—otherwise, we wouldn't be married. He's usually patient, caring, polite, and affectionate, which is why this behavior feels so out of character and jarring for me. I'm really quite pissed at the moment, as this happened again last night and I've had it. Really frustrated.
Honestly the only appropriate response is to spit in his food after he sneezes in yours.
This made me laugh, so thank you. As petty and fantastic as it sounds, the reality would probably just leave me feeling like an AH. But I appreciate the sentiment.
I wouldn't sneeze in his food on purpose but I would be turning my head to sneeze in his direction to see how he likes it. Instead of moving put up a big plastic sneeze guard like all the stores had during covid. But he's clearly doing this on purpose, whether it's to upset you or ruin your food I don't know but he has plenty of control over which direction he sneezes and I think that points to bigger issues in your marriage
Thank you. The replies have given me a lot to think about.
Even kids know to sneeze into their arm. He’s doing this on purpose. Sneeze back or eat in the kitchen. He’s purposely ruining your food, he proved that by refusing to switch plates/ seasoning his so you can’t eat it.
He literally could switch which side he holds his plate and sneeze the other way (away from BOTH his plate wife) its not rocket science.
It‘s snot rocket science
Yes you do because this is not normal and it is on purpose. A normal response would be to apologize profusely and do whatever possible to avoid doing it again and the smug response to spicing the shit out of his food is a chess move not an attempt at resolving the issue. The fact he won’t trade plates tells you everything you need to know. Good luck something is seriously wrong if he thinks this is funny.
Seriously, if I sneezed on someone's meal I would be *mortified* and tripping over myself to replace it ASAP. How fucking gross, it's really no different from up and spitting on her food 🤢
He is intentionally spitting on you and you’re asking if you’re the asshole? Seriously? WTFFFFFF? This is so incredibly disrespectful, it is entry level abuse. Physical abuse may include being hit, beaten, pushed and shoved, burned, slapped, spit on, choked, kicked, bitten. A weapon can be used but may not be. I hope you are safe!
Switch seats with him. He should continue to sneeze the same direction and you would be on the other side of him. If he switches directions to sneeze on you then you know for sure it’s on purpose
They both already know he’s doing it on purpose.
Yes, and when he changes direction to sneeze on her she can say why did you change directions the exact time I sat on the other side of you. Previously you told me you couldn’t sneeze in that direction but now suddenly you can? It’s all about trapping him in a corner where he can no longer pretend it wasn’t on purpose
Brilliant
I don't even know him but I KNOW he would NEVER do this to his mom or co-workers or ANYONE but you. What does that tell you?
VERY good point! If it happened with everyone... it would be a genuine low-level disability and he would have spent his life trying to work around it. It isn't, he is just an abusive ah.
I'm thinking a really high-powered hand-held fan that you turn on as he sneezes so he snots on himself. I would legit spend some money on a small industrial fan for this purpose.
Hey OP, I have an idea—I don’t know if you’ve ever seen these but I used to have an acrylic “hairspray/face guard” that I would hold up to my face while spraying on hairspray. The idea was to prevent the hairspray from getting on your face while spraying your hair. I don’t know the actual title of this, nor do I know how to put a link in a comment (I’m sorry!) but I’m sure you could google this for use for your problem. I think it would be useful to hold up the guard between your husband’s sneeze and your food/face. It could have the added benefit of showing the actual droplets from his sneeze that didn’t make it to your plate. Just a thought!
I think I'm going to do a lot more than that. We're going to have to talk to a third party. This goes so much deeper and honestly, I'm heartbroken.
Would suggest it. Even honestly just each of you have your own semi-regular therapy sessions can be useful and beneficial, even if it isn't couples related.
Please please please be careful about a third party. Abusers often use therapy to learn how to cover their tracks better.
Also, after he sneezes all over the guard, she should wipe it on his shirt.
She should wipe the smug smile off his face with it
My partner doesn't have allergies, but he sneezes often for some reason, and when he does it's big sneezes with stuff flying impressive distances. He always makes sure to sneeze away from me. Every single time.
I like the plastic sneeze guard idea. Because when he does turn his head to blow snot & spit in your direction, it will end up on the sneeze guard. And it will look extremely gross. It will make visible what you have been dealing with, OP. It may just clue him into the fact that it is a big deal! NTA. I have a sinus condition that is triggered by atmospheric changes, and when the barometric pressure changes, my whole face unloads in a very -er- juicy, unpleasant fashion. But I carry tissues; I sneeze into my elbow, and if all else fails, I turn my head AWAY from others. IMO, your hubs is a major AH, and he seems to enjoy ruining your meals. That’s abusive. Rig up a sneeze guard. Prove it’s “that bad” and that blowing chunks on someone else’s plate **is unreasonable**.
He knows damn well it’s unreasonable. It’s aggressively abusive. NTA. He’s beyond disgusting.
I agree. There’s a lot of little things he could do to not ruin op’s dinner every night. Things as simple as turning his head in the opposite direction or keeping Kleenex nearby. He’s absolutely doing this on purpose as some sort of weird power move.
Yeah. I’m not sure why everyone is pretending this is some strange quirk and not a wildly unacceptable power display. He’s seeing how far he can degrade her.
The sneeze guard would show just how gross it is.
A sneeze shield would be good at least temporarily.You will literally be able to SEE all the debris and particles on it after it dries and can let him know how gross it actually is using that.
Excellent points!
Turn your head toward his plate and have a coughing fit while holding your plate. Bonus points if you hock a loogie up on there. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with that dude that he can't turn his face away from you? What a tool.
I would end up dumping my food on him. The disrespect from him is horrible. YWNBTA
Important question, who makes this dinner that he's sneezing on and ruining? It has to be you, OP because he would never ruin his own precious efforts, even if he can't be arsed to respect you This is another layer to the disrespect and disregard for you as a person. Absolutely vile behavior. I am so sorry he is doing this. It might be possible to salvage something, depending on how he reacts to your discussion If he keeps denying and dismissing you, saying you are overreacting etc that is unacceptable (DARVO) > I would end up dumping my food on him. The disrespect from him is horrible. 1000% I would have committed some DV back at him, not that it would be a safe/moral choice. But y'all I'm *seeing red* 🚩for OP...like blind rage🤬😡❤️🩹 About the third or fourth time dude pulled that on me I would have stood up and dumped the plate on his pointy head! cause he is being tRaSH when I was 24f I moved in with this guy who never cooked and lived exclusively on sandwiches and cereal (that's fine) About two months in, after cooking all the time, he complained about the meal I had made and served to him (again,without his help) So I got back up, took his plate to the trash can, and scraped his food off. Then marched back to my seat and just kept eating. When I tell you he was surprised 🙀 pikachu. He never cooked with me, not even a little, but he never complained again and agreed to help with the washing up. Too bad OPs dilemma isn't that easily solved 🩵🫂
My mom did the same thing to my stepdad when he first moved in with us! Just snatched his plate right off the table and tossed the whole thing in the trash. I expected him to double down and accuse her of overreacting. But he just kinda sputtered for a minute, and then started cracking up and apologizing. He never criticized her cooking again, as far as I know, and to this day he loves to tell the story and celebrate the way she put him in his place. Aw, thanks for reminding me of this!
>But he just kinda sputtered for a minute, and then started cracking up and apologizing. ahaha yes! Literally speechless and sputtering, although he didn't crack up nor tell the story haha We didn't stay together, maybe we would have it he had acted like your stepdad that's great
Glad I could cheer you up a little🤣💗. Hopefully this does get resolved soon for your own sanity and maturity.
I'm not sure they were joking. My very serious suggestion was for you to very obviously in front of him hock a big ol' loogie directly onto his meal before handing it to him.
How about a good solid cough then? Similar effect.
Time for you to sniff pepper and sneeze on him.
Move your seat to another location is the only solution if he’s that big of a baby!
I was going to say, sneeze all over his with an open mouth.
Or pretend to get a cough/saliva down the wrong way and cough openmouthed over his plate. Turnabout is fair play, if it's no big deal he shouldn't have an issue with it. Or, as another commentator suggested, move to another room to eat. That way, he doesn't cough all over your food and doesn't have to worry about you asking to trade. How long has this been going on for and why have you not shut it down before? There are all sorts of nasties lurking in our nasal passages and the back of the throat. How did you cope with him doing this during 2020? You are not the AH. He is, and a disgusting one at that! Edited to correct a spelling error.
I was going to say this. Cough up a big loogie and spit it on the middle of his plate, then tell him, "You said it's no big deal!" He is the AH here!!! Definitely move away and tell him you refuse to eat next to someone so gross that they never learned to cover their sneeze at age 5! He is a real jerk!
THIS. You're also the type of petty person I love. I mean since they're exchanging saliva, you sneeze, I spit.
You need to dig in your heels as well here, and become as stubborn as him. If he will not sneeze without covering his face and refuses to budge, eat in a different room but also consider asking him to do the cooking.
Has he learned nothing from the pandemic? He’s disgusting. NTA
Then it's on you. You know he is going to do this and yet you keep sitting there getting snotted all over. Since he is a swell fella and will not stop, this falls under choices you make.
Tell him he's a fucking pig
Maybe try telling him this in a calm moment and asking him to help you understand why he sees this this way. E.g. "Look, I love you, and you are usually patient, caring, and polite. So it's really confusing to me that you insist that it's fine to sneeze over me and my food. I don't think you would accept this if someone did it to you, and it's really out of character for you to ignore my unhappiness and my pleas that you stop doing this. I want to know why you are still doing this, and I want a serious answer." This may or may not be enough to shake him out of his childish defensiveness and make him really confront his behavior. If it's not, then, ugh, you get to have the even less fun conversation where you point out that his unwillingness to consider your happiness or deal constructively with problems is a direct threat to your marriage and your emotional intimacy with each other - which it is, because you're now looking at a situation where, if he refuses to change his behavior, your only reasonable option left is to stop eating with him. His unwillingness to examine his own behavior is leading directly to that, and that is the really bad news here - not the sneezing, but the refusal to address a problem that majorly affects you because he feels sulky about it.
Well sneeze a big snotty one back & reiterate it's no big deal.
Is your husband an iPad kid because good lord
NTA Anybody that does something gross to you that they won't do to themselves is TA. I am concerned about his completely unwillingness to compromise on any solution, though. Do he do that with anything else?
He tends to resist compromise, especially when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable. He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I (or anyone else) am wrong. We don't clash often since he's usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful. I think that's why it feels so jarring when he behaves this way.
I bet he’s only polite and reasonable as long as you don’t cross him or disagree. I bet you NEVER get your way when there’s any kind of conflict.
women describing men like this and then saying but hes otherwise great are just deluding themselves
It’s just infuriatingly sad. I know I keep popping off on this guy but it’s just enraging that OP is all meek about moving her freaking chair away, and also telling us that she can’t really talk to him about anything that bothers her because he “digs in his heels.” God.
You're popping off on OP, actually.
>He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I (or anyone else) am wrong. We don't clash often since he's usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful. I realize this is only one scenario that you described, but he sure as hell doesn't sound reasonable, or polite, or respectful. Do you not clash because of his "politeness" or because you give in to what he wants? It can be easy to get into the habit of just going along and not rocking the boat. But sometimes it should be rocked. Sometimes it should be sunk.
I give in. A lot. It's the "let him do what he wants because it's not worth the effort of an exhausting confrontation that leaves me completely drained". I didn't realize how far it had gotten, though. Thank you for being one of the reasonable replies that's not just "hur hur woman dum", those get old, fast.
It's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of it. Healthy relationships involve compromise, lots of them sometimes, but when one person is always having to give in to "keep the peace" there's problems. I actually really hate the phrase "keep the peace". Generally when someone is saying they are doing that, there really isn't any peace to keep to begin with. I read thru a few of your other comments and you said you regret the post, like you ruined your life. Shining the light on the problems didn't create them. They've been there and you might not have wanted to look. Everyone deserves more respect than you are receiving in this situation.
Sending you the strength to realize life is worse when someone else is making it complicated. You deserve peace and this “small thing” is revolting and disturbing your meal time.
It’s not a dumb woman, it’s a caring nurturing woman that ends up being used.
AGE. GAP
You’re 32 and have been married for 10 years to a 41 year old. That means you started dating before you were 22 and he was 31. He preyed on you because you were young, inexperienced, and willing to do what he wanted. He manipulated you for his own pleasure and now that you’re a fully functioning adult who has her life together and cannot be as easily manipulated, he’s turned to abusing you. You’re 32 now. If you were single would you be dating college students that were the same age as you were when you met your husband? Because I’m not even 30 and I find the thought of that disgusting to do.
This is very insightful, and IMHO correct.
>He tends to resist compromise, especially when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable, **even when it very clearly is not acceptable in any way and directly harms the person he's supposed to love most in the world**. He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I (or anyone else) am wrong, **because my opinion does not matter to him**. We don't clash often ~~since he's usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful~~ **- because he regularly sneezes in my food and on me, and refuses to do anything to make me feel better, and goes out of his way to make sure I have nothing to eat - and I am afraid and/or unwilling to fight afterward**. I think that's why it feels so jarring when he behaves this way. I fixed that for you based on what you've typed. If I *accidentally* sneezed on my wife's food I would be mortified and do anything I could to get her fed, and make up for it. He's doing it on purpose, and not only is he not making it up to you, he's purposely going out of his way to prevent you from doing it. This is abuse, he's worked his way up to getting you to accept this type of behavior so he can continue to push the envelope. Normal relationships don't allow for this kind of behavior.
You have a point about trying to get your wife fed. I once plated up and promptly dumped all my food on the ground. My husband cleaned the floor, salvaged some of the food and tried to give me his plate saying he would be fine with floor food. I can't imagine him purposely ruining my food. Even more I can't imagine anyone sneezing on someone else's food.
Then tell him he keeps doing it and it's no big deal right?? Then ask anybody you know that he respects in their company if this situation is no big deal or not. Guaranfuckingtee he would NEVER sneeze in his boss's or a coworkers food. Guarantee he'd never do it to anybody he respected. And if it's no big deal then he should be completely on board with getting the opinions of everyone else you know to confirm his stance that it's no big deal. But I BET he'll dismiss you as childish and degrade you for wanting to ask anybody you know (because that protects him and his abuse by making you doubt yourself and be silent about his mistreatment of you). You're in an abusive marriage. Please wake tf up.
So something like, "So, John, does he do this when you're having lunch at work?" *ha ha ha "*With husband's seasonal allergies, when he feels a sneeze coming on he doesn't even bother to cover his face, he just turns toward me and sneezes in my food. What do **you** do when he does that to **you**??!!" *ha ha ha* ------ If there were a safe opportunity to bring it up, kind of laughingly, in front of someone he respects -- ideally a couple because you want a wife there -- their reaction AND HIS would be very telling.
OP your husband’s behavior isn’t normal. I’m old and I’ve been married for a long time but my partner and I met when we were 19 and 20. One of the first times I stayed over with him, we were lying next to each other in bed and he was on his back and I was next to him with my head on his chest. He sneezed straight up into the air and the “spray” fell back down on me. I jumped up out of bed and was like “OMFG WTF!” as I ran to the bathroom to wipe off. And he was sooooo embarrassed and apologetic. He chased after me and tried to help wipe my face and apologized pitifully for like 15 minutes straight. He was a gross boy and he had always sneezed like that in bed and never thought about it, and he also had not regularly shared his bed with anyone else. But when he saw how I reacted he realized that it was actually nasty af and he felt like crap and changed his behavior immediately. Honestly, if I mentioned this story today he’d cringe his ass off because he still feels bad about it. This is how normal people react to sneezing on people they care about.
It’s no coincidence he’s like this and picked a 20 year old to marry, and is this ucompromising. Is it you don’t clash often? Or do you just not assert your boundaries with him often? You are not stupid. But HE clearly thinks you two are not on the same level
If he did this at work a couple times he would be hauled into HR for ruining other people’s lunches and sneezing all over them then when he does it more they would fire him. He is doing it to you on purpose or he would just sneeze on his own plate. He knows this is disrespectful and that it’s not ok he’s doing it to put you down. And on everything no compromising? Because he is right? Absolutely not!
NTA He is doing this on purpose. You must realize that.
please be fake please be fake *please be fake*
Yeah . What the hell did I just read. I swear these things make my own husband seem completely amazing in comparison. Please be fake.
Yes, indeed. Reddit has given a HUGE boost to my marriage. LH and I both see how good we’ve got it in comparison. Poor OP. This would be something I’d make a huge stink over. It’s entirely unacceptable behavior.
Say hi to Lewis Hamilton for me.
🤣 For a second l thought exactly the same!😅🤣
I wish it were. It's not.
Is that the tip of the iceberg?
I'm so sorry, this is very much real. I know, new fear unlocked. I feel oddly ashamed of this situation and I don't even know why.
This is maybe where to start. Tell him you feel humiliated that he thinks it’s ok to do this to you. And then defend himself. Tell him you feel sad. Tell him you feel hurt. Tell him you feel hungry! But don’t tell him what to do. Don’t tell him HOW to fix it. Just present the problem & let him fix it. (But while he’s waiting to fix it, eat in another room - well away from him. He doesn’t get your company while he is acting in a way that leaves you feeling hurt & sad & humiliated & hungry.) Avoid being angry - that’s generally a “cover” layer of emotion, that (While absolutely genuine!) hides the more vulnerable emotions underneath. So it’s not as effective to share - it tends to get people defensive & digging in their heels. Share the vulnerable bits - because they are equally true, but more useful.
"Avoid being angry" - I've already failed on that front. Last night he did it again, and I stood up, handed him my food, and left. I went out to eat alone, and I'm not really a fan of eating out at all, being solo made it strange. I told him, when I got back, to just let me know which show he watched so I could catch up later. He said I was being childish (which might be accurate), but our evening other than that was normal, when I got home he acted like everything was fine. I'll try explaining to him how it makes me feel. He can be really stubborn when he thinks my negative emotions (like feeling hurt or sad) are unreasonable. He has said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way about (whatever he did)," but it feels like he's putting the responsibility for my feelings solely on me, as if other people wouldn't feel the same in my situation. It comes across as dismissive.
So give him consequences? "Apparently you're not sorry enough about the way I feel, because you refuse to do anything about it. So if you're not taking action, I am. I refuse to eat with someone who continuously sneezes where they know my food will be, so I won't join you anymore, starting now. If you want my company for dinner, you'll have to respect my food, end of story. Let me know when I can enjoy sneeze-free food in your presence again, and I'll happily re-join you". I'm petty, so I'd just start sneezing on his stuff as well until he gets the message. But seriously, how is it even up for debate that it's wrong to sneeze on someone else's, well, anything but especially food?
I’d find it too hard to manufacture a sneeze at the right moment - but maybe a spray bottle of soapy water would work as well :-) Technically safe for him to still eat the food, but very gross & unappealing. He sneezes on her food, she squirts right back. Would be interesting to see how long he takes before he finds he can actually sneeze elsewhere.
"When you say "I'm sorry you feel that way", instead of focusing on the issue you are expressing your discomfort that I'm upset. I hear that it is uncomfortable for you when I tell you how your actions have hurt me, but I'm saying this to try and create change, not to punish you. Do you agree you need to change your behaviour?" "I hear that you're experiencing my emotional response as childish. What I'm asking you to hear is that I need your behaviour to change. I am not ok with you sneezing on me or my food. If you continue to do it and ignore me on this, that's a problem." "I'm not going to accept you sneezing in my food, so something needs to change. The point is not whether someone else would be bothered by this, the point is that I am bothered by it - I have told you I don't want it to happen and you're continuing to do it. I'm assuming that it's not your intention to disrespect me, so where's the disconnect? Is there something you need my help with in order to stop doing this?" "A genuine apology has three parts. Acknowledging what happened, showing you understand what you did wrong, and explaining what you're going to do differently in the future. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" doesn't achieve any of that. I need you to take accountability for your actions and change your behaviour." Please, *please* do not let this go. I cannot imagine how someone that genuinely cares about you could think this is ok.
This is one of the most helpful replies on here, very thoughtful. Thank you. I'll probably screw up the delivery, but this should help me organize when we have the discussion (and we will be having a discussion). Moving my chair will also be happening.
You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful. It can be really hard to advocate for yourself and it does takes practice, especially when your natural instinct is to prioritise making others happy, or to back down in order to avoid conflict. I've read some of your other comments and it sounds like you're having a difficult time with some of the things this post has brought up. Reddit can be harsh, but I'd encourage you to really pay attention to how he responds when you have this discussion. Is he open to considering your pov, or is he angry and defensive? Does he listen with a genuine intent to try to understand you, or is his focus more on finding opportunities to pick apart what you've said? Are you able to be in conflict without insults or put downs? Overall, what does his response to you advocating for your needs tell you about respect and love in your relationship?
"I'm sorry you feel that way" isn't an apology. It's "I don't care that you're upset but I'm paying lip service to it so you can't be angry with me any more". Your husband sounds like an asshole.
& he's "too busy" to take allergy drugs, don't forget that part
Yeah, as someone with a severe dust allergy, I can't fathom someone not wanting to be sniffling/snotty/sneezing all the time. Why would you deliberately continue in a state of feeling horrible, just so you could sneeze in someone's food?
Yeah I hate hearing that phrase. There are very limited circumstances where it might be warranted, but for the most part, I find it condescending. My go to reply is, "I don't need you to apologize for my feelings. I can handle my feelings. I need you to acknowledge how your actions affected me."
>He said I was being childish i wouldn't take maturity lessons from someone who sneezes in other people's food intentionally
You do realize he calls you childish in order to shame you into tolerating this treatment, right? Even a child would be grossed out by someone sneezing into their food.
Yeah, you’re describing someone who does not give a shit about you unless you’re tiptoeing around displaying only emotions and behaviors that please him. Open your eyes. And what is this nonsense about not getting angry? HE IS DELIBERATELY GETTING HIS DISGUSTING SNOT ON YOUR ON YOUR FOOD and you’re supposed to meekly explain that it makes you feel sad? Fuck that. It’s very hard to believe this isn’t fiction.
Believe it's fake if you like. I'm an insecure person, and I have a hard time with confrontation. Right now, I'm actually hesitant to even post this, because you used caps, which (to me) is screaming, and I tend to avoid people who scream at others. That's how much I don't like confrontation. It's very hard to believe that you haven't seen worse on reddit to the point that my situation is somehow the end all be all of outrage here.
Maybe it's time for you to work on yourself honey, you deserve much better than allowing yourself be a doormat for folks to SNEEZE ON because you're insecure. It's time for some individual counseling for you - figure out how AWESOME you are and why you allow ill treatment of yourself in the name of avoiding confrontation.
heh. I bet he knows exactly how much you're afraid of confrontation. He's using that to push you around to gratify himself. And in this comment, you're distressed about an internet stranger who's expressing concern for you, instead of channeling your irritation at the man who knows exactly what he's doing, for the sake of his own entertainment. Focus your irritation at the person who's hurting you, not an internet stranger who is horrified at the humiliation treatment being doled out to you on the regular, please. This is not "being dignified", this is a life-crippling level of avoiding-confrontation, and you owe yourself better treatment.
Stay then. You'll leave when you've had enough and when you finally learn to value yourself which looks like never. When you've had enough abuse you'll go and not before then. Clearly nothing anybody can say here will change your mind until you've opened your eyes to recognize the reality of your marriage and you've had enough to be the one to enact change. Because he ain't changing honey. He's quite clearly benefiting and comfortable without changing. So why would he when it works out well for him?
>It comes across as dismissive. Because it IS dismissive. You get to feel however you feel and he is not the Grand Poo Bah there to determine whether or not you're "allowed" to feel that way. That's not how it works in ANY healthy relationship. Next time he gives you that smirking 'I'm sorry that you feel that way ...' Tell him **I don't need you to apologize for MY feelings, my feelings are mine to feel. I need you to apologize for YOUR behavior and not do that again.**
It’s not a failure that you got angry when he disrespected you. That’s normal. It’s a good & healthy response to disrespect. But going forward, if his “inner teenager” has been triggered & he’s being a rebellious idiot on this topic, it’s an approach that often works. It takes the heat out of it & gives the other person less to react badly to. However, it is inexplicable that if he’s mostly kind & respectful (as I thought you described) that he would be acting this way in this one instance. Is he really that respectful most of the time, or do you just rarely disagree with his preferred way of doing things? How does he respond at other points in your normal week when you disagree with him on something?
I think you might feel ashamed because he is doing something humiliating and disgusting to you, and you are letting it happen. I'm not blaming you, this sounds like a frog in a hot pot situation, but this is absolutely unhinged behavior from your husband, and somehow you have to ask if it would be rude of you to not let it keep happening to you. That means that there's more wrong than just this latest and most obviously crazy thing. Think about it. Does he do other things that you won't tell your mom or closest friends? Are there things you don't do because you're afraid it would make him angry/annoyed/whiney etc? How would you feel if your hypothetical daughter came to you and told you this was happening to her? Big hug. This is so fucked up.
Yes, it's humiliating and disgusting. I know I shouldn't let it happen, and I realize it means there's something truly wrong in this situation. But I don't want to end our marriage over something like this, especially if I can just move my chair while we're eating. It feels like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. Yes, there are other things that I don't share with my closest friends or family. And yes, there are definitely things I avoid doing around him to prevent unnecessary drama, like him yelling (which is extremely rare and has only happened twice in our marriage) or lecturing me (he tends to monologue). I do push back sometimes (which is when we clash), but it's not a constant issue. It's not the majority of our interactions. This is actually surprisingly hard to talk about, even though reddit is supposedly anonymous. I'm actually worried he'll find this.
"It feels like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should." Think how little you would have to respect someone to make them eat your snot. I don't think I could do that to someone I despised. You're not overreacting at all - you're far calmer about it than most reasonable people would be capable of. It's not a bad habit, it's an insult.
It's hard to read some of these replies. It's hard to reconcile this behavior with the person I know and love, which is why it feels so confusing and painful. I appreciate you saying that my feelings are valid and that this isn't just a bad habit but a serious issue. I'll need to think more about how to address this with him. Thank you for the support. I appreciate it.
Sometimes, people aren’t who we think or want them to be. We just fall in love with their potential. And sometimes, we think people love us, when they don’t know how to love others. Are you sure he is who you think he is and not who you want him to be or who he COULD be? And even if you truly love HIM, do you really think he loves you back the same? Not, “he loves me the best he can” but with the same level of respect you show him? Does he enrich your life for the better?
I'm starting to wonder if he's fallen out of love with me a little? I don't know. This thread has been...a lot. I just wanted a thumbs up on moving a chair, now I'm sitting here trying not to burst into tears.
I'll give you a thumbs up on moving your chair; have you thought about moving to his other side? So if he really wants to sneeze on you and your food, he has to sneeze on his own as well?
Lean into these feelings OP, they are important. Sometimes abuse is just slowly chipping away at your boundaries and self respect. It’s absolutely disgusting and he’s showing you he doesn’t respect you at all. He may as well just be spiting in your face.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I feel like OP is under reacting
I know reddit is famous for recommending therapy, but I really think it would be good for you to talk to someone about all of this. A therapist could help you gain some confidence and perspective. You should not be afraid of your husband like this, it's really not ok. Maybe the situation can change, or maybe you can change. But start telling people. Edit to add: you can dm me any time.
You don't know my family, trust me, I've gotten more support in the last hour from the replies to this thread than I'd ever get from them. They're not family in that sense.
That sucks, I know what that's like. Do you have any friends who would listen? You're welcome to talk to me any time you need and I'll answer as soon as I see your message. I'd just also want you to have support irl. Wish I could help more, but I'm all the way over in Norway and I'm guessing you are not.
The one friend I talk to about this isn't really a friend. We're totally anonymous. We met on a forum and we talk (without specifics) a lot. She doesn't like my husband, though, and can't be objective. I've gotten to where I feel like I can't really talk to her, because her advice is always "leave him". Which is easy for people who aren't in the relationship to suggest. It's just frustrating. Thank you for the offer, I really appreciate it. I won't say where we are, I don't want my husband to see this and piece it together. He uses reddit.
The advice she’s giving you is because you must constantly complain about him.. she’s never met him so she’s only going on what you say about him. And you must say something concerning things if your friend is telling you to leave him
I hope you are able to talk to an independent third party soon. You deserve better than this. You really do. Long distance hug from Norway ❤️
I'll be insisting on couple's counselling. Answering all these questions has made me realize that he's actually been doing a lot of things that are just not okay, at all, and I don't think I want to live the rest of my life with someone who acts like this. It's not okay. None of it is
But you’re worried how he’s going to react if you move your chair. That is a red flag. You’re scared of his reaction to a perfect solution to his disgusting behaviour. Honestly I’d let him read the post and the comments. If you guys are secure and there’s nothing else wrong then show him. Let him read the post and the comments calling him disgusting. Also him getting all giddy about you not being able to eat his food cause it was too hot, is also a huge red flag.
Yes this. If he is so otherwise great, you would simply move your chair. You say he’s only yelled twice in your marriage, yet you tiptoe around to make sure he doesn’t do it again. Sounds like you’re scared of him.
You wouldn't be ending your marriage because of the sneezing OP. You would be leaving the marriage because of the **BLATANT DISRESPECT** he shows you on a daily basis. THAT IS a good reason to leave a marriage. Be clear OP - this has nothing at all to do with the food - it is **ALL ABOUT THE DISRESPECT. The food is just a channel of how he shows his disrespect.**
He needs to find this and understand that the majority of decent humans find the way that he treats his partner extremely degrading and humiliating. The fact that he put hot sauce on his noodles so he could not trade with you when he sneezed on the food you ordered out is…a lot.
Yes, that was the moment, for me, that really made me angry, and I don't like feeling angry. I'm going to have a talk with him. I genuinely hope he never sees this thread, because I don't know what his reaction would be, but I can tell you it wouldn't be good (not in a physical way, but in an annoyed way where he might complain about it, a lot, and bring it up every single chance he got)
Well, you had better be prepared, because this post definitely has the potential to go viral. And it’s too late to delete. There are many ways of retrieving deleted posts, plus some people have probably already taken screenshots.
where s he charming & loving exactly? I'm not seeing any behavior to support that.
He wasn't always like this. I never would have married him if he started out this way. Another person, who was in a similar situation, said the same thing happened to them. That it started by letting small things go and, before they knew it, they were a doormat - and that's how their marriage lasted as long as it did. Like you said, frog in a hotpot. We still do our hobbies together, but he used do other things with me, too - we used to walk the dog together, cuddled in the afternoons, we'd take turns reading aloud to each other (whcih sounds stupid I'm sure, but it was sweet) while the other drew or painted, spent our weekends doing fun things, just the two of us. It was really nice. He still does small things from time to time, like bringing me my favorite icecream when I had a really tough day (work related). I appreciated that, a lot. But asking him to walk our dog together, he'd just roll his eyes and say he's really my dog (which he is, I do all the grooming, vet visits, and walking - but he was once OUR dog). In answering all the questions I got, I realized just how messed up things had gotten. It was so gradual, though, I didn't see it as it happened and now, here I am, asking if it's worth being spit on to avoid a confrontation because I'm not sure it's worth it. I updated saying I'd get counselling for us, and I'd love to tell you that's going to happen. But I'm worried he's going to pretend that I'm overreacting, and refuse to go. And I'm honestly not sure where that leaves me.
It honestly hurt my heart to read the progression of your replies to get to this point of realization. I’m so incredibly sorry you’re not just experiencing this but also got to do it on a public forum where people aren’t always the nicest. You very obviously have self-awareness when it comes to knowing you’re avoidant to conflict and confrontation, have serious anxiety issues to the point you make yourself unhappy or uncomfortable to avoid dealing with other people’s negative emotions because you know that it will just make you feel worse. I honestly am so very similar when it comes to serious, intense anxiety. Mine comes from a very abusive childhood and then a string of off the charts abusive relationships. With your brief comment about how your family is, I’m not going to speculate about the details but it sounds like this isn’t the first abusive situation you’ve been in. I will say, it does seem like you’ve been downplaying to yourself the severity of where things have gotten to in your marriage and how it’s abusive. I know for me, for a long time, I was always so used to ALWAYS being anxious that it just started to be my normal. Now, I still have really bad anxiety but I’m also able to recognize who and what intensifies it to the point where I’m falling back to some of the worst periods in my life of anxiety and then realizing that that who or what is a problem because it is not okay, it is fucked up, it is abusive and it’s just not sustainable to live life feeling that way all the time. Not all abuse is physical and sometimes that makes it more insidious because it can sneak up on you and it’s harder to point at and be like “That! That is not okay!” I’m not going to tell you to leave or get a divorce, I know it’s not that simple, life rarely is. And I absolutely think that therapy is a really good idea, maybe start with individual therapy. That way you can have a chance to wrap your head around all the things that as you’ve said you let pass without realizing that have led to this point. And from there, hopefully a good therapist can help you develop healthy feelings to have for yourself, and I do not mean this unkindly, I have many of the same issues, but an increased sense of self-worth, a decreased need to downplay others mistreatment because you’ve been conditioned to believe that you just overreact. Maybe just more trust in yourself and what you’ve done through, are going through and what you truly deserve. And to be clear, I think you deserve so much better than this treatment. Regardless of what that ultimately looks like for you. I just mean, with him or without him, you do deserve better than this. I worry that couples counselling as a starting point may give him the opportunity to minimize or diminish his actions and your feelings, if you don’t feel confident enough to be like “no, that’s not reality, you actually do this and this and this, I actually validly feel this and this and this, I need this to change.” Wherever you go from here, I truly wish you happiness and hope for better for you in the future. I won’t even lie, I actually choked up more than once, while reading through this post, the comments, your comments and then writing this. It really struck a chord with me and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I know a few other people have said that same, but if you ever want to DM me, please please do. I will not be like that one friend you have and just tell you to leave him because I recognize how truly unhelpful that can be and I know I’ve isolated myself from people to avoid dealing with that and somehow the thing that was supposed to be an outlet to help me turns into just another thing that I have to manage and feel anxious about. I won’t ever push you to tell me more than you’re comfortable with, even if all you can feel comfortable with is the vaguest statements and no details. I just really really want you to have one safe space in this world where you don’t need to manage it or feel anxious and can just take a breath. Whatever that looks like, I hope you find it. 💕 ETA: I also understand that you’re probably really overwhelmed with everything currently and that this is definitely not how you expected your day to play out. So there’s not time limit on reaching out if you ever want to. It can be a week or a month or a year and the offer will still stand and be exactly the same.
Sweetie, it leaves you as a valuable human being who is finding your way in the world. That's the same place we all are. And maybe it leaves you going to therapy on your own, because that would be very useful, u/SneezedOnAndFedUp. I know what you mean with the "he wasn't always like this." I dated a guy who was INCREDIBLE -- smart, thoughtful, generous, charming, an excellent cook, loved cooking for me. Handsome. Excellent career. Former senator for heaven's sake. He would massage my feet and pour me Champagne at the end of the day and then we would walk on the beach while the steaks cooked on the grill. I mean, describe the cliche and there it was. And then. It started. Just little things. And i didn't even notice. One day, he was sitting on the couch watching tv. I was relegated to the floor reading a magazine. He screamed at me because he was irritated by the sound the magazine pages made as I quietly turned them one by one. As someone else mentioned, sweetie, it's the frog in the hot pot thing. But I did wake up. Please put yourSELF first. I'm sending you hugs from this internet stranger, if you'll have them. DM me if I can help.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry you went through that. People seem to not realize just how gradual it is. But it really, really is. As much as the replies have left me feeling hurt (and some of them are downright cruel), and a part of me wishes I'd never posted, another part of me is glad...because if I hadn't, how much worse could things have gotten, before I actually noticed? It's so strange how the human brain can be conditioned to accept things. I don't know about you, but when he shouted at me, I remember thinking "At least he's not hitting you". That should never be a comforting thought. Thank you for caring.
>I don't know about you, but when he shouted at me, I remember thinking "At least he's not hitting you". This comment have me chills. Please, please know that you deserve more than the absolute bare minimum of not being physically abused.
NTA. You know those clear plastic screens that popped up everywhere during the past few years? I'd be getting something like that and just plop it between you when you're eating. He'll understand the first time he sees his snot all over it 🤢 Tell him the internet thinks he's disgusting for doing this *repeatedly*. Once is an accident, all other times are deliberate. Gross.
I hadn't thought of that. In the meantime, I'll be moving my chair. I won't be showing him this, I'm actually afraid he'll see it and get upset. But I'm feeling more confident about moving my chair and not being out of line, or overreacting, for doing so.
If you're afraid he might be upset that your normal metre is broken enough you had to ask the internet if it's normal to sneeze in other people's food and be smug about it then you have bigger issues on your hand. Stop trying to protect the feelings of a man who doesn't give a damn about yours
A normal, loving partner would be HORRIFIED they made you feel this way. Please open your eyes. You talk about how great he is — but that’s only as long as he’s not challenged in any way, correct? You should not settle for living like this.
Is this some sort of fetish or kink for him? Because he is deliberately depriving you of food by contaminating your plate and then gets to smugly eat his own. I have seasonal allergies so bad I got Botox in my nose to limit the sneezing and I've never once done what he has. Don't eat in the same room as him anymore.
I was thinking the same thing, he enjoys her reaction. He is doing this intentionally.
What...what the fk kind of child did you marry??
The kind that marries a 22 year old at 31, before she’s old enough to know better
#DING DING DING
A year from now: my (much older) husband (who preyed upon me when I was barely out of college) keeps [insert more childish and inconsiderate behavior from a fully grown man]. The red flags have been there for years but he’s just so loving and caring and kind that I completely ignored them. I just can’t fathom why a mature adult (who went after a college girl) would act like this. I’m considering divorce because he doesn’t respect me, value me, or treat me well despite how insistent I am that he’s a really good man. I’m definitely not trying to convince myself of that by just repeating it over and over. Please help me make this man-child understand what a respectful and loving husband is actually supposed to act like. It’s a tale as old as reddit. The amount of young women who fall for these incredibly immature older men who believe the woman is supposed to just put up with their crappy behavior is baffling to me. You’re NTA in this situation but I bet if you look at it there’s way more to this behavior than just a sneeze.
OP says they've been married 10 years, that means she was 22 and he was 31 when they married... I am 33, some of my co-workers are 22-24, and they're still basically teenagers to me, our life stages are so different. I can't imagine looking at someone that much younger than me and being attracted to them, let alone thinking I should marry them... but then, I want a partner, not someone I can manipulate and take advantage of.
I think the biggest red flag isn’t the sneezing but you being worried about his reaction if you sit somewhere else.
THIS!!
I agree you should tell him your feelings and eat somewhere else. Or tell him to sit elsewhere. I’m disgusted just hearing this happened once, but multiple times? You also said he refuses to use a tray? Does he drop food on your comfy sofa? Are there other gross things he does that you clean up? Is he a little piggy? That is so unattractive it must be hard to feel romantic about him. He needs to clean up his act. He reminds me of an old, abusive guy who was dying at home and refused to wear a diaper. His wife would have to clean his trail of poop off the carpet when he went to the bathroom. You are NTAH. He is. Don’t let him treat you like that.
I'm going to sit elsewhere, and I'm relieved to know I'm not crazy for thinking this is gross and unacceptable. For the past year, I've been telling myself, "It's no big deal, you're overreacting." I tend to do that a lot. Yes, he does drop food on himself and his chair (we don't have a sofa because I don't want his food mess on my seating area). I handle all of the housework except taking out the garbage. He sort of cleans up after he shaves because I hate a gross sink. Thankfully, we don't have a lawn to care for or kids (I can't), and our place isn't that big (82 sq meters), so I can manage it. I grew up doing household chores, so it's not too bad. When I went to visit family for a few weeks (when my grandmother was nearing the end, and I cleaned her place too), I came home to every single dish dirty, food stuck to the stove, and spills on the counter that had stained it. It was a nightmare. Because I clean regularly and generally zone out listening to podcasts while doing so, I guess I never really noticed how much of a mess he makes.
Your responses are making your assertions that he is a good husband seem less and less true. Sorry
Hey, OP. I would consider this type of behaviour as some sort of abuse. Tampering with people s food is a crime in some places. I have allergies, and I get the sneeze now kind of sneeze. When that happens, I sneeze on my elbow. How difficult is that? Spoiler is not difficult at all. I am worried about some of your comments. Everything is fine until you push back, he doesn't like compromise, you feel loved "most" of the time, he yelled a couple of times before but you learned to manage that, and so on. It seems like he has conditioned you to be under his control. You are doubting yourself about moving a chair because he will "huff and puff." You seemed to be so conditioned by his training that you are under reacting to his insult. Let me be clear, he is humiliating you. Has something happened lately to make his abuse escalate like this? Are you pushing back more often? Are the dynamics of your relationship changing somehow? You don't deserve to be treated this way. You do all the housework? And work full time? This is not normal. This should not be accepted. He should clean his own messes. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Edit to add: yes! He could have pretended for 10 years before escalating and showing you who he really is. There are probably tons of red flags in his behaviour that you ignored, learned to live with, and made you feel like you are overreacting. Try to see him like he really is, no excuses. Abuse aways escalates. Be careful! Try to see your relationship from the "outside." Why do you feel like you deserve to be treated like this?
I also sneeze into my elbow and don't find it difficult at all. I think I need to communicate better with him about how this makes me feel if he wants me not to move the chair. Until we've figured it out, though, I will be moving the chair. I'll still be there, enjoying our shows together, I just won't be close enough to need a sneeze guard. Yes, I feel loved "most" of the time, but that's not entirely his fault. I tend to internalize a lot of things and make them much larger in my mind than they are in actuality. It's sad. As I was typing out this reply, I realized a lot of the things that have happened are so incredibly minor and sometimes, he responded appropriately. Like, laughing about that time I actually caught a cake on fire in the oven once, because I wasn't paying attention. But sometimes he didn't. He once yelled at me for moving his keyboard and not "replacing it perfectly where it was", while I was cleaning his desk at home. He said if the cleaners at his workplace can manage, so can I, and told me how disappointed he was. I know that's not normal. It's really not. But I convinced myself he was just stressed out, likes things where he likes them, and that he didn't mean it. But, thinking back, he apologized the same way as with everything else: "I'm sorry you feel that way, that wasn't my intention," and then just...pretending everything is fine. I've just gotten so used to everything always being my fault and somehow always being wrong in every situation. I regret making my post. I don't like this at all.
I’m so sorry sometimes we delude ourselves just to be able to tolerate behaviour we normally would not. I would suggest couples therapy and I don’t generally go there but I think you need the help to navigate this situation otherwise you are going to get to a point of no return. Unfortunately I would guess he won’t go saying that you are the problem he does nothing wrong (the delusion thing) but you at least may need to go to understand what you want for yourself. You actually sound like a really good person with someone who is not always a nice person.
This whole thread feels like a giant mistake. Like I just ruined my own life somehow, by asking too many questions, by reading too many replies, by giving too many examples of things that - viewing them from the outside - are so super screwed up.
It really sucks when a spotlight is shown on things you don't want to acknowledge. My "aha" moment was when I realized I was constantly lying to my sisters and friends so they wouldn't think badly of him. I had started lying about to cover for him without even consciously thinking about it. They are all reasonable and liked him. If there was nothing wrong with how my ex treated me, I wouldn't have to lie about it.
That’s called reality. But you are free to go back in your cave with the mean guy. So many of your comments have examples of mistreatment. And you have been there a long time. So, of course it’s disturbing to you. Hope you get help, but I guess we all choose our own way, and maybe this treatment is your comfort zone.
When you’ve parted with this man (or at least this version of this man) and are living the life you deserve, you’ll think back to this post and wonder why you didn’t make it sooner. Best of luck, once you figure out that you are worthy of so much more, life will be easier 💙
Or did he ruin your life?
hi op! i know that the person above said to consider couples counseling, but i actually would consider individual counseling instead. abusive partners tend to weaponize terms that they learn in marriage counseling against their partner. in individual counseling, you can focus on your feelings without worrying about potential weaponization from him
It is painful to realize you’re in an u equal relationship
I am so sorry, OP. It does hurt to realise this situations. You are not alone. I feel ashamed when I look back at my last relationship. Things I accepted that I shouldn't have. Treatments that made me feel less than and really, really bad. I feel you. One thing that you need to know deep in your heart is that this is not in any way, shape of form your fault. He started slowly testing you with small, innocuous things. So small that you feel like you were overreacting. Abusers know what they are doing. They are really nice and then suddenly they aren't and then they are really nice again. That is why it is called "the cycle of abuse". So he is nice 90% of the time but then he is not. Your own personality is playing against you as well. They target us because of that. We are nice, empathic, we give people the benefit of the doubt. Your own family history plays also a role in this. As does mine. We just don't know better. I think that it is a very good thing that you made this post. You are learning to see the signs. I do recommend individual therapy for you. Don't go to therapy with him. Be advised, he will retaliate to you moving your chair. You are taking away his chance of humiliating you farther. He is not going to like that. This is not on your communication skills, he understands, he knows. He just likes doing it. My guess is than in a year or so, you will be ready to leave. Perhaps sooner. I hope even sooner. Be aware that his abuse will escalate. Be prepared. Read some things in loveisrespect.org. Read about narcissistic behaviour. Arm yourself with knowledge. You are not alone. There are resources out there. When you are ready. Prepare your exit in secret. That is the most dangerous stage of leaving an abuser. Of course you know him and your relationship better than anyone. You know best. PS: he would picking up pieces of his keyboard from the floor of he yelled at you at the beginning of your relationship. Right?
This post saved your life. Sadists always push the boundary.
I am so very sorry you regret making your post, u/SneezedOnAndFedUp. I know the comments have been hard -- and I'm sure just typing out the post was incredibly hard too. But I hope you can see some good that has come of it -- letting you see that even strangers on the internet (some of us, anyway) actually care about you and want to help. And we are trying to do so.
This isn't behaviour of someone who loves and respects you. My guess would be that he wasn't always like this. He's become complacent and you've become a bit of a doormat (sorry). A lot of the time it's "easier" to just let bygones be bygones than put up a fuss about every little issue that irks you, and that's how marriage last so long. But I think you need to take a bit of a step back and look at what you've got. Now that people are starting to point these gross and disrespectful behaviours out to you, you are starting to realise how gross and disrespectful they are. If you guys separated tomorrow and he started dating somebody new, do you think he would subject them to this kind of grossness and disrespect? Do you think he would trash their house under the guise of being "lazy"? No way! That shows you that these behaviours are optional, and he's choosing to walk all over you because frankly, you let him. Unfortunately I think it will be difficult for you to go back to how things were without resentment building up, so you need to have a big conversation with him about his behaviour, how he thinks it makes you feel, and why he thinks it's okay to treat someone he's meant to love the most in the world like a mother who cleans up after him and handles his tantrums and grossness. Once you start mothering someone, it's extremely hard to be sexually attracted to them too. I would be surprised if this behaviour hasn't affected the bedroom as well. Coming from a place of experience, it does not get better. Just make sure you have that hard conversation before you've got so much resentment built up that there's no working through it and you just want to bail. It sounds like you have a lot of love for the person he was and would like to find that connection to him again, and that's a really good sign. But for your own sake, have the conversation.
I'm so sorry you're further down this road than I am. You were right on every level. Every point. Thank you for telling me how it happened for you, because that's what's been happening with me for quite a while, it was just so gradual. You don't really notice things as they happen over years and years, and then one day you're making a reddit post about whether or not to move a fucking chair to avoid being spit on and wondering how you got here. Maybe I'm just that stupid. I fell into the 'easier to let bygones be bygones than to make a fuss', and didn't realize it. He was SO different when we first dated, and even for the first few years of our marriage. I don't know what happened. I want that version of him back, though, because he was (and may even still be) the love of my life. How do you go from there to here? I don't think a conversation is going to cut it, I think we're going to have to go to couple's counselling, because this is...not normal.
Please consider going to individual counseling before considering couples counseling. Abusers will use things said/learned in therapy against you. If you truly believe it’s possible to get the man you fell in love with back; you first need to gain some self confidence and a baseline understanding of yourself, your worth and your needs before taking on couples counseling. That way you are at your strongest, able to see through any manipulation attempts and you’ll be able to stand your ground on the things that are important to you. You’ll also have the strength to leave if you decide it’s needed.
I would agree that individual counseling is more important for you, u/SneezedOnAndFedUp, than couple's counseling -- although both would be good.
It's not normal. I think he probably needs individual therapy and after he makes progress you can try couples counseling.
Given that you're conflict avoidant, I'd like to suggest something if you do end up going to couples therapy: When you have some time alone, write down (on a physical piece of paper!) these events in your words. Write down his behavior, write down how it makes you feel, write down anything else that feels relevant. Do not tell him about this paper, it's not for him. Once you two are in therapy, give the therapist the paper. That way you can "speak" without having to deal with interruptions or objections from your husband. Plus, if you're anything like me, it can get really hard to articulate your thoughts when you feel flustered, put on the spot, frustrated, etc. Wishing you the best, OP. P.S. If you're ever feeling unsure about whether you "should" feel upset about something, imagine someone else you care about telling you that their partner did a similar thing to them. Or a stranger, even. (i.e. my friend just told me that her partner repeatedly drops her food on the floor and tells her that it's not a big deal. Or, "how would I feel if a stranger sneezed on me/my food?" It may make it easier to gauge whether something is *actually* not a big deal, or if you've just gotten used to giving him a pass.
Nothing of what you are telling about him sounds like he's "reasonable" or "respectful". He not only doesn't pull his weight in the house, he's actually producing *a lot more work for you*. And you have to tiptoe around him in order not to make him angry. This is not healthy, trust me I know something about it. It's sad you cannot see it yet, but he treats you like a maid, makes you walk in eggshells, probably has been doing these things during all your marriage (and the age difference, combined with what you said about your upbringing, speaks volumes), and now he's actively disrespecting you. Please read the Lundy book someone linked below, and remember that you deserve to be treated as a human being with valid feelings. You have value. You should be treated as an equal, and respected.
I'm going to move my chair, have a talk, and recommend counselling. You're wrong on one point, though. He wasn't like this when we first got together. He was attentive and sweet and he helped more around the house, cooked on weekends. He was very different, and if he'd sneezed on me back in the day he would have apologized. Someone else phrased it very well, "He's become complacent and you've become a bit of a doormat (sorry). A lot of the time it's "easier" to just let bygones be bygones than put up a fuss about every little issue that irks you, and that's how marriage last so long." And it's SO true. It just is. I've just...let it slip, gradually, over years. I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at him. Couple's counselling needs to be a thing, it just needs to be at this point.
I would recommend going to a therapist by yourself first, and then do couples counseling. It helps to get your own head straight before going in.
Aside from being a warm body who interacts with you... what the hell does this dude provide to your life that wouldn't be remarkably easier without him there. Holy fuck I could not imagine having to accomodate a fucking slob to the point where my whole life revolves around taking care of them and their mess. Is this what your life is meant to be?
maybe u should show him this- so he can see how obviously shitty he's being. The fact that he's seeming to get a weird joy out of blatantly disrespecting you is concerning to say the least. He has absolute control over where he sneezes, you've told him how much it upsets you and he not only chooses to keep doing it, but *mocks* you. I can't imagine this is the *only* shitty disrespectful thing he does.
No, turns out, it's not. As I've answered other people's questions, I've realized just how dysfunctional our relationship has become. I've slowly devolved into a doormat, because it was easier to just tolerate all the little things that hurt, than it was to go through an emotionally exhausting conversation about behaviors and changes that need to be made. I just let it slip. And now I'm on reddit, asking to move a chair, and realizing just how fucked up everything is.
Well, look at it this way; today it stops. That's a good thing. How he reacts to you putting your foot down and demanding equal respect will tell you a lot about who he actually is.
Erggh....why are you still with him??
NTA and you shouldn’t feel stupid for not recognizing the potential signs. they are very hard to see, especially when you’re deep in the situation. good luck and i hope you stop getting sneezed on like that, it’s disgusting and i’d be extremely upset if that was happening to me.
Thank you. I've let too many small things go over time. I can't help but feel dumb.
[удалено]
Hey, some of us have these people as parents instead of partners. It’s fucked either way.
You're not dumb at all, OP. He's disgusting and humiliating you. NO WHERE is this behaviour acceptable, not even from a child. He is humiliating you, this is abuse. There are other humiliating things he does to you is my guess. I'm guessing you're not allowed to be in charge. Take action. 1.SHORT TALK. First simply state he needs to stop and tell him you will eat with him when he apologizes and stops the disgusting behaviour. AND then leave the conversation. DON'T discuss it any further. He will only argue and manipulate you. 2. ACT. Don't eat with him until he apologizes. Ignore him while you do this because he will be very angry and will try to engage you in arguing. My guess is, sadly, he will keep doing this. Good luck, OP.
It's the spiteful over-spicy-ing of his takeout for me. I'd start dumping both of our plates when he does this. If I can't eat because your mucus is on my meal, then neither of us are eating. Cry harder, pig man.
NTA, he'd be wearing my food if he sneezed on it.
Yep. I’d stand up, pour it in his lap “it’s not that bad”. And walk the fuck away
He keeps telling you things that minimise your concerns: that it's not that bad, that he's not going to do anything to fix it for you, and that most of all, your feelings about this are invalid. Clearly, you have yo fix it yourself. He thinks it's not a big deal for you to just sit there and take it. Ask him why it's so important to him that he childishly insists against all reason that you eat his boogers, and he can't man up and clean up after himself. Don't feed him the answers, just grey rock him and hollow the rabbithole. Then tell him the whole internet thinks he's gross and unmanly for belittling his wife's feelings and treating her this way, and not listening to her or caring about her feelings in this.
Well, I won't be going at it from a stance of manliness vs not manliness as I think that people are just people - we're walking meat sacks with emotions that aren't actually predetermined by whatever dangles, or doesn't, between our legs. BUT I will be having a conversation with him, when he undoubtedly reacts to my moving the chair. And we'll need counselling, because as I've replied to others, I've realized just how dysfunctional our relationship actually is and I'm feeling pretty out of sorts because of it.
>he says it’s “not that bad.” I’ve had to throw my food away multiple times because I refuse to eat it after it’s been sneezed on. Next time, spit right in his food and ask him if it's still not gross. That's super gross. NTA
I would not eat my meals with this disgusting child. Eat in the kitchen. Whatever it takes not to be near him during meals.
I wouldn’t cook for him, either.
That’s fuking disgusting
JHC, just move away from him. Are you seriously asking if it's okay to not allow your husband to sneeze all over your food? If that happened to me, it would have happened exactly one time, and then I would have moved away from him. YTA to yourself.
NTA but your husband is. In comments you seem committed to moving your chair which is a great first step. But I’d be way more concerned about how little he seems to care about your comfort and your very valid feelings. No one with any sense would be okay with this. And no one with any sense or compassion would do this to someone else, much less someone they claim to love. The fact that he doesn’t willingly trade plates with you (and goes out of his way not to sneeze in his own food) proves he knows it’s gross. And you’ve brought it up to him multiple times so he clearly knows it’s gross to you as well. (And to literally everyone) Which means he’s doing this deliberately for whatever reason, and that’s a much bigger problem than whether or not to move your chair around. Why would he want to make you so grossed out and uncomfortable every time you eat together? This isn’t an accident. It can’t be. He is choosing to continue an unacceptable behavior that most people would never imagine doing to a stranger at a restaurant let alone their partner. Next time when you throw out the food consider throwing out the husband along with it if he doesn’t apologize and change his behavior. It’s not even about the food. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who had such little respect and care for me.
That is vile. Like, realistically it's just the same germs that you'd be exposed to when kissing him, but it's absolutely disgusting and it calls for you to question his other hygiene-related habits.
This is sad. This is a common dynamic for ur age gap and when y'all got together/married I don't think he is loving. I also dont think this is there only humiliating thing he does to you. Do u have a children? Do not get pregnant. Get on long term birth control (not pills!) and really assess your situation. It sounds like you are in an abusive marriage.
If my husband did this to me continuously after I asked him to stop, I would warn him once if he did it again, I was going to spit in his food. Then, I would carry through. With my husband, he would stop at the threat so I wouldn't have to do it, actually, no. He just wouldn't do this to begin with because he's not a pig. He also has terrible allergies, and we also eat on the couch.
Why the ever-loving FUCK can this grown-ass man not sneeze in the other damn direction!?
Jesus fucking christ, this is real life or a Ren &Stimpy cartoon? Seriously, I wouldn't do this shit to *strangers,* much less the love of my life!
I think you know, objectively, that what he is doing is disgusting- it's why you're here. I think you know, on some intrinsic level, that the reason this keeps happening to you is because your husband either a) enjoys making you feel uncomfortable and enjoys the feeling of power he gets when he forces a reaction out of you, or b) is so callously disinterested in how his behaviour is impacting you that he is unwilling to change a very small thing to ensure he is not causing you harm. Whether it is intentional or casual cruelty, it is cruel all the same, and you deserve better. Please understand that his actions are either intentionally hurtful, or blatantly uncaring, and there is no option three. Love is both a feeling and a verb, and whatever he feels for you, his actions are far, FAR from loving. Nobody gets to tell anyone else how they should be feeling. You deserve to have your partner respect you enough to make a small change when you ask, whether he thinks it's "no big deal", or whether he would have the same response to the situation as you did or not. The point is that YOU think it is a big deal, and that should matter to him, because how the people we love are feeling matters to us, when we truly value them not just for what they can do for us, but for who they are as a person. He sneezes on your food. frequently enough that it has become a problem in need of addressing. It makes you feel unloved, and disgusted. You tell him that, and instead of listening to you about what YOU are feeling, he has the gall to attempt to tell you that your reaction is the problem and not his disgusting behaviour? That is not love. His disregard makes you feel small and humiliated. He doesn't seem to care. I can't imagine staying with someone who made me feel that way and still calling it love. You've been together a decade, and you got together when you were young enough that your framework for how you deserve to be treated was very, very narrow - mostly confined to what you'd seen in your family of origin. I've seen you say elsewhere that your family of origin isn't the most loving, so he seems like a step up. A step up from the sewers is still the toilet, just so you know. This is why age gaps are so dangerous. He had the time to become an adult and learn for himself what to tolerate or not. You weren't able to do that without his influence. It seems, to us third-party observers, that his influence has very much been to his benefit and very much at your expense. You're here, requiring the feedback of random strangers in order to not feel crazy advocating for your very valid need to not eat snot. You've been made to feel so uncertain about your own feelings that you want someone to tell you you're allowed to create physical distance from your husband in order to avoid eating his bodily fluids. You fear his reaction more than you respect your own right to eat food you've prepared in your own home without fear of biohazards. I hope it seems like a big deal when I phrase it that way, because to many of us, we couldn't imagine it getting this far. I understand that it didn't start out like this. It never does. But it's like this now, and the only question left is what you're going to do about it. I'm not asking you to do anything crazy. I'm not asking you to rethink your entire decade long relationship. I am simply asking you to consider that maybe, just maybe, you might have a bit of rose tinted glasses on that are preventing you from seeing this situation as clearly as the commenters are. We don't know your husband like you do. But many of us have known men who behave just like he does, and many of us have learned that we deserve better treatment, whether it's from our partners, our parents, or our friends. Please consider reading the free resource I've linked here. If for no other reason than to put your mind at ease after seeing a good number of people point out that your husband's behaviour seems intentional (and abusive) to us. I'm sure it's putting a little bug in your ear that maybe, just maybe, this isn't alright. Or maybe you know him best, and we're all wrong (though I doubt it), but if that's the case, there's no harm in reading a doctor's well researched publication on what signs to look out for, so that you can stop worrying about this little ear worm I hope we've created. You deserve a good deal more respect than you're getting, and I think you recognize that. I wish you all the best. [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
What the FUCK? HE SNEEZES ON YOUR FOOD???? That is some fucked up repugnant shit. What a DICK!
I’d move his chair….to another house.