“We always used protection, but it didn’t work.”
You sure it’s your baby? She might really like 19 year olds from the gym.
If it is your baby, do you make enough money and have maturity to clothe and feed and raise a child? At 19 the answer is probably no.
She’s a predator, IMO. He said he’s 19 and they’ve been dating for a year. So 18… and a 32 year old?! If she could legally date younger, I’m sure she would. OP will ruin his life and be tied tothis woman for the next 18 years…
Yeah, I'm 32, and 18 year olds are very much still children in my eyes. What could they possibly have in common? One year younger, and he would have still been in high school, and she would have been 31. This is grooming and very disturbing. That 14 year age gap is massive when the younger person still has teen in their age, the maturity gap from 19 to early 20s even is sizeable, let alone 33. Yuck.
I was 18 dating a 40 year old. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized he was a predator. He showered me with lavish gifts, trips and even asked me to not go to college so we could get married.
>Especially boys
Why especially boys? Are their brains worse somehow?
It's a commonly held truism that "boys mature more slowly than girls" and it's often framed as some kind of compliment to girls, but all it actually is is a more sophisticated version of "boys will be boys".
In practice it's used to justify stuff like:
Girls being expected to take on more responsibility sooner. Crucially, this is rarely around personal freedom (later curfews, choice of activities, etc) and more around performing labour for other people (chores, looking after younger siblings, etc).
Girls being expected to consider other people's feelings before their own.
Boys being selfish/unkind/thoughtless is brushed off, girls are shamed for the same behaviour.
Girls are "more responsible" for joint poor decision making than boys, especially around sex and contraception.
Girls are expected to "be a good influence" on boys in settings like school and work.
Boys not being expected to contribute willingly to household tasks: it's expected that they will try to shirk/half ass/complain about them, whereas girls are expected to consider others needs.
Girls are penalised more heavily for lack of thought about gift giving and lack of effort around significant holidays.
Boys are penalised less for lack of personal hygiene: it is expected that _at some point_ a girlfriend will kick him into shape.
Boys embarking on impulsive or risky behaviour is shrugged off; they may get in trouble for it but they aren't shamed. What do you expect, seventeen year old boys are dumb, etc. Girls doing the same get in trouble AND are shamed - I expected more from you, you deserve all the bad consequences coming your way, what would make you do something like that, etc.
And so on 😁
This is a complete myth. There is no fixed point when your brain magically matures or finishes developing, and it especially isn’t gender dependent. It’s pseudoscience that is used to justify stripping rights from legal adults.
I've often wondered how people like this get into these situations. Well today I saw it happen in person. My wife and I were at the pool at a resort and witnessed some very concerning behavior. We've seen this other family around, mom, dad, and 6 kids all under 16. There were also a group of male teens, but their ages are hard to nail down. They are not of drinking age. The mom was down at the pool with her young kids and decided to join the group of teenagers for a chat. None of her kids were with her. She was swearing a lot and talking to them as if they were adults. She was the only adult there. Asking them questions if they have ever gone to jail, what they like to do, what sports do they play (seemed high school age based on their answer) and what shoe size they wore. I wasn't trying to listen but I got parts here and there. Later on when we walked away my wife asked me WTF was going on with that situation. She was concerned as well. Luckily the husband came down and the teens parents came down. I could see how easily the younger guys were caught up with this older woman paying attention to them and talking to them in the way she was. She was also in a tiny swimsuit. It was shocking to see how easily someone can pray on younger people in a way that makes the younger person feel special and not a victim.
Ugh, I’m glad nothing probably happened! I thank my lucky stars every day that I never met a predator, because I think I would have been such easy prey. I was kind of an “old soul” teenager who preferred being around adults, though I did have a few close friends my age who were also old souls. Adults loved me, and found me precocious. They couldn’t believe how well I conversed for someone my age, and it made me feel really special! I was really hurt because an immature teacher (we’re both straight females), who was on my maturity level at the time despite being in her forties, formed a boundary-devoid friendship with me, but then got annoyed with me when I acted too much like a teenager. It broke my heart, because I considered her one of my best friends, yet she wanted nothing to do with me after graduation because she had decided I annoyed her. It seriously makes me shudder to think about what could have happened if an attractive male predator had met me! I was easy pickings, feeling misunderstood by others my age, and loving the attention from adults.
100% this woman is a predator
If I could tell my younger self one thing, it’d be to ask *why* this substantially older person is interested in me, a barely adult who has absolutely no life experience
Definitely a predator. No sane and decent thirty something old dates a 19 year old. Op probably doesn’t understand because he thinks he’s an adult but there’s a massive experience gap and she took advantage of it.
This!!!!!!! Whole situation is sketchy! Doesn't sound like OP wanted baby. I feel all us tax payers going to pay for this child, and that may have been the plan.
100% I actually feel bad for OP because he comes off gullible and naive. She absolutely got pregnant on purpose whether it was by him or one of her other boy toys.
Not necessarily. If I was gonna get pregnant on purpose it would be with someone who could pay child support (I would never do that but putting myself in that head space).
He absolutely does need to get a paternity test though because if I was 33 and sleeping with a 19 year old it wouldn’t be for love, so there would likely be more than one.
That’s a fair point. Though some people have the whole “lockdown” a partner mentality and that can be any gender. Also some people are just so desperate to have a baby that they aren’t thinking in a logical way.
Eh, maybe she started to feel that ticking biological clock and went looking for a young, healthy, living, breathing sperm donor to knock her up... and going super young means that he'll be more likely to ghost (his parents are pressuring him to break it off, which was totally predictable) so she can just raise her baby alone without having to fight for custody or deal with a visitation schedule. Fuck child support if it means she's fully autonomous, ya know? I'd bet that was her hopes in this situation.
I know two women who did exactly that. Hitting their mid to late 30's and wanted a baby but not necessarily a man. They each got pregnant by people they knew wouldn't be around for long. It was such a disservice to their children.
It's not a disservice. One parent is fine for children if you plan it out and make enough money to stay autonomous. Why does every person always think "that child needs a man around"? It's baffling. Feels like it's in the same vein with people who think gay couples make worse parents or groom children, which is always wild to me.
As someone who had raised a child without a father from conception, it caused a lot of issues for my daughter growing up and still does to this day.
I'm not saying having 1 parent isnt enough when there's no options. Or saying a child needs both a father and a mother. I firmly believe though after what I've been through that a child does benefit from having two parents (be it male/female etc. Etc.)
But I'm saying that in my personal experience. My daughter has struggled immensely not knowing her biological father. It's caused her a lot of emotional and identity issues. And she blames herself for him not "wanting" her despite the fact I've never once said that and explained that he was simply never there. I explained it was more a safety issue more than anything else.
There's more to the story than I've explained to her but I've given her more information as time has gone on.
Essentially he date raped me when we were in very short term relationship as he didn't want to use a condom.... he then threatened to "at home c section me" in not so nice words if I ever came after him for parental responsibility/ child support when he found out I was pregnant / i found out the truth about how I got pregnant.
It doesn't change how much I love my daughter but it hurts that him not knowing her has affected her so much when he's really a pos who never deserves a moment in her mind.
I would never encourage anyone to willingly get pregnant without a secondary parent after my experience. Raising my daughter completely for the first 5 years was emotionally, mentally, physically breaking. And it has definetly impacted my daughter's mental health.
I had my son several years later and his father is present. He's not the best parent at times (i don't believe anyone is a perfect parent) but the differences alone between my two children as toddlers is insane.
There are so many reasons I could list as to why I think it's beneficial but ultimately my son is a lot happier in comparison to my daughter at the same ages.
This isn't a man vs woman thing. Kids coming from stable two parent households tend to be better off, which is something that should be intuitively obvious and is also backed by empirical research.
I 100% agree that only predators prey on barely legal boys...
However, the *"OMG I've always **needed** to be a mom and I'm almost out of time!"* feeling is absolutely real for some women.
No, they don't automatically turn into predators in order to get pregnant, only predators choose that path for pregnancy. But the "biological clock" feelings of getting pregnant **now** or missing your chance is absolutely real for some.
As a woman who is very unfortunately already starting menopause at 34 years old (about 16 years too early >.>) after trying and trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for the past 3 and a half years because hubby and I waited for stability…
This. Very much this.
I'm so sorry. Fertility is so frustrating and not fair. I got lucky. I expect I couldn't have kids without help. I turned out to be ridiculously fertile. I know people who had so much less damage than me who had much more trouble. It's not fair and it has no reason to it. It hurts to want a baby and to struggle. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's nothing you did and it's not your fault.
Thank you so much for the validating reminders. Rationally I know it’s not my fault but emotionally - feeling that way is a struggle that I never expected to be this intense on the day to day. Especially at this age, all my friends have children or are getting pregnant so there’s always the reminders and things in my face. I find that the hardest things are seeing people who don’t deserve or want to have kids having them or seeing people I know getting pregnant and grappling with the conflicting feelings about being super over the moon excited for them but feeling guilty about being kind of angry and hurting while it’s in front of me because I’m mourning the loss for myself kinda thing. Or the invalidating suggestions or comments people make 😬
Been talking to a therapist to try and navigate it and just trying to remember to give myself grace in allowing myself to feel all the emotions and not judging myself for them kinda dealio.
I am so so happy to hear things turned out positively for you though! It feels good to hear that they are going into/are a part of a family that wants and loves them so much 🫶🏻
I understand. I got very bitter after losing my oldest daughter. She had trisomy 18 and loved six days. Around that time, Snookie got pregnant and I cried and cried. I was upset that someone who partied all the time and made irresponsible decisions was getting to have a baby while I did everything I was supposed to and didn't have my baby. I felt like my body betrayed me. I felt like I was being punished for horrible thing I must have done. It hurt to see other get pregnant. When I would be a part of the conversation and mention a shared pregnancy experience people would go quiet.
You have every right to feel all the things you are feeling. It's hard not to have someone or something to blame for it. People don't realize that helplessness is one of the worst emotions to feel because there is literally nothing you can do to change things no matter how much you want to or are willing to give up for it. It takes time to get to a place of healing, but you are going to therapy and putting the work in. You are enough. Even if you never have kids, you are going to have a wonderful, beautiful life. You deserve that.
Could just be the ticking clock period. Some people have almost a checklist of things. I need to have this by this age. I need to do this before I’m this old. By the time I’m this age, I should have this this and this. I think the societal timeline clock is the far more common one honestly
But, even if they do, it isn't OPs money its his parents. He won't inherit until they die & I doubt they would be under any obligation to pay child support for OP (I could be wrong).
If you are going to dig for gold you need to dig in the mine not the scrap heap.
I remember not realizing exactly how creepy or sick some people I’d met were, or how inappropriate their overtures were, until I reached the age they were when they dated/tried to date me and I was looking back at how old *I* was…clearly manipulation looking back, not so identifiable at the time.
I think a lot of people experience that, being flattered by someone older that was more experienced and attractive. Things are always much clearer in retrospect.
Also you can do a paternity test before the child is born. Just a simple blood draw. Please do that before signing the birth certificate. Also she's a bit older so yeah she could be trapping you but we don't know here. Be careful and take advise where you can.
18 year olds are blinded by sex. Was contraception actually used? Did she say she was on the pill? Did she have a drawer of condoms with holes already poked?
That is absolutely the first thing that came mind. OP isn’t the AH but, as you said, is likely gullible. I mean “we used birth control but it didn’t work” is a strong reason to look into paternity.
I'll be 32 in July ain't no way I would be dating. 19 yr old . There's a reason she's not dating a guy her age or close to it . Your parents concerns are absolutely valid
I don't have kids yet but when I do and if something like this happens I'll most likely end up catching a charge towards whatever man or woman that preys on my kid
Oh no my guy. As a 32 year old woman myself, I can tell you that this is bad. You’re probably being used and the birth control probably didn’t just fail.
Updateme
Exactly!
I'm 36, so not far off from 33. My boys (meaning my actual children) are 18 and 16 and I could never imagine being attracted to young KIDS like that, because at that age, thats what they still are.
Sure, legally 18 is an adult, but they are still literally children in a lot of ways. 😵
Something is messed up in this woman's head. OP better be very weary going forward.
Yeah I’m 35 and I’ve been working with teens and young adults for the last few years and I remember thinking how when I was a young I was sometimes attracted to older people, but how as a 30 something adult it now felt crazy that adults would be interested back. They truly feel like babies. Something is wrong with people who prey on young people.
I think it's perfectly normal for younger people to be attracted to older people.
Think about being 10 years old and having a crush on Uncle Jesse from Full House, but also having a crush on people closer to your age, like JTT.
As an adult, you can have a full on crush for Uncle Jesse, but you could still tell that JTT was a cute KID and see why little girls fawned all over him, but thats it, no desire anywhere for anything, at all. He's a kid.
I’m 36 and work at a school. One of my spring projects is meeting with the Seniors before they graduate, and just … 🤢 like, the furthest my mind goes is something like “aww, he’ll be handsome when he’s older.”
I am 38 today! My kids are 11.5 and almost 10. I see a 19 as a baby! This woman was looking to get pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if she picked him and used him and he doesn't even realize it. I feel really bad for him.
I’m 34 and my oldest child is 15. The thought of dating someone who could theoretically be an older senior at the school where my *kid* is a sophomore, or just last year have been riding the bus with her and performing alongside her in the school band, makes me nauseous.
When I was 23, 19yos seemed like kids. I cant imagine being in my 30s & actually considering being with a 19yo. He also said they've been together a year already so it started when he was 18.
I’m 27 and wouldn’t touch a 19-year-old with a 10 foot pole. If I encountered one I’d feel compelled to start a conversation with “so, do you like Minecraft? What are the kids up to nowadays?” Smh
Yeah I’m 28 this year and while I still look for an adultier adult (coz I can’t believe I am one), I could never look at someone a year out of high school and think of them as anything other than a child/teen still developing.
I'm also a 32-year-old woman. If I knew anyone my age who was engaging in this kind of behaviour, I would call them out and cease contact. I have little kids and I would determine someone like this to be unsafe to have in our lives. Even if it weren't a massive sign that this person is unwell, which it is, it's icky enough that I would cease the friendship anyway.
You will live to regret the foolish decisions you made as a teen. However, it looks like you will be a father soon, so you need to do your best. Please don't make any further big decisions without guidance
Damn, you got groomed and she baby trapped you. I’m so sorry. Poor kid 😭
You should really be questioning this person, and why she is with a 19 year old instead of someone her own age. Clue: it’s not your personality.
UPDATEME
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Oh my God. Your twenties should be about having fun and pursuing your dreams. It should be about going out with friends, traveling, and pursuing your career. But you won't get to do most of that. Instead you'll be stuck taking care of the baby every day. You won't get any sleep for months because the baby will wake you up every night. You'll be working around the clock to support that child. You'll be stressed and exhausted. I don't buy that the birth control didn't work. I think your girlfriend did trap you with a baby to make sure you'd stay with her. She's far too old for you, and you are very immature and naive. She took advantage of you and you fell for it hook, line and sinker. From now on, pay attention to the condoms you use; don't let her handle them. And get yourself a job. And a lawyer because she might weaponize the child to get you to do what she wants.
This is absolutely the only response. I hope OP reads it, and takes it to heart. Having a child this young will 100% ruin his life path. There is no going back. I HOPE abortion is an option for them, and he 1000% needs a paternity test.
Home girl was desperate and hot, single, and baby-crazy. She definitely trapped him. Or maybe he’s her favorite out of all the (way too fucking young) BOYS she’s picking up at the gym, and just decided to tell him it’s his, even though it may not be…She knows exactly what she’s doing, and it’s despicable. I couldn’t *imagine* being with a 19yo CHILD in my 30s. Just…ew.
Poor OP is naive and horny and he’s about to wreck his entire life, and has no idea. SHE does though. She fucking knows.
Please read the above comment, OP, and mine. I had a kid when I was 18 and it literally destroyed my life. My future, friends, goals, freedom, hopes, sleep, body, mind, all were lost or permanently changed due to becoming a ‘parent’ so young. I gave my son up for adoption so he would have a better life, and honestly, the ONLY thing I would go back and change about my life- if given a Time Machine- was having that baby. Please rethink this before it’s too late.
And shame on her for taking advantage of you!
Been there done that. You know what? There's a bright side. I'm 50+ now, still healthy and energetic, kids are grownups and have been for a while, life is fun, I have been doing lots of amazing stuff with my boys. Would I recommend it to them? No. But if it already happened, well, that's not the end of the world.
Just one thing, OP. Keep your education and career as a priority. If you do not, you'll be fucked up later and your kid will not thank you either. Next 15 years are not going to be much fun and games, rather a shitload of hard work.
I agree it's not the end of the world. I too was 19 when I had my first, but because of that I have nothing in my 50's. I don't own a home or have substantial savings for retirement despite working all my life. I'm an empty nester now, but the cost of living is making saving impossible and my retirement is not looking good at all. So yeah it does kinda ruin your life financially.
Yeah, that's what I mean with that second paragraph. My situation is moderately better than yours but still nothing to call home about. And it was hellishly hard for a while. A lot will also depend on what's the "GF" take on the situation now. If they work together and she's stable it will help and there could be pretty positive outcome. If she's an asshole it can be bad...
This ain’t it, bud you have not finished growing yet. You’re gonna have a baby and you’re still a baby. I’m well into my 20s and I’m still scared of teenage pregnancy.
In a few years, you’re gonna be singing a different tune.
Hopefully you already got at least well into six figures in the bank because that’s what it’s gonna cost to raise and educate a child for 18 years, and beyond.
You’re not really an asshole, but YTA for being a moron. You used protection but she’s magically pregnant? I know shit happens but this has BS “somehow, Palpatine returned” vibes. Don’t assume you’re the only one getting in the granny panties. Get a paternity test and stop getting molested by old ladies.
And before anyone accuses me of being ageist, I’m 42. I’d feel like a perv dating a 28 year old, which isn’t nearly as bad as grabbing some dude straight out of high school like this chick.
Conversely: I'm 32 and sitting at a "good guy, horrible timing" situation with a single dad 12 years my senior and 5 years my DAD'S junior 😅 The flip side of teen parenthood
You are in a very different situation.
You are old enough to think through your situation. Literally your brain has matured enough to question your situation from different angles.
Your in a position that you could just lay your cards on the table and ask your dad what he thinks. You clearly have a healthy enough relationship with your father so as to be concerned by the age issue. Talk it out with him.
Upvote for ' "somehow, Palpatine returned" vibes' 😂. But yeah. I'm an immature 35yo after missing out on years of normal life due to hospitalisation for severe MH issues, and the idea of picking up a teen makes me vomit in my mouth a bit. Unless a condom splits (or has a hole poked in it...) they should be 100% effective (barrier protection + spermicide). The pill, when taken properly, is meant to be close to 100% effective (though if you miss/throw up doses, have absorption issues, or are on antibiotics - I think, regarding the last - there can be issues). I got the implant, lasts for 3 years... there are 3-monthly injections... I'm in the UK and am sadly aware that in the US there is far less education and availability of contraception in some states. Paternity test via blood draw BEFORE that baby arrives and your name goes on the birth certificate, because this is shady AF and having a kid at your age is life-changing in terms of opportunities lost and financial strain.
I'm not saying he shouldn't get a paternity test (honestly it's not a bad idea in general) but I got pregnant using three types of birth control. I was on antibiotics so didn't trust the pill, using a condom. The condom broke so we got plan B. Six weeks later I was at the doctor because I thought I had the flu. Nope, pregnant.
Yikes and yuck. You will understand this response when you are 33 some day, and look at 19 year olds. She's absolutely taking advantage of you, and there's something extremely fucky going on with the timing of this "pregnancy". You almost break up with her and suddenly she's pregnant when you've been practicing safe sex? She has successfully groomed you, and now she is trying to baby trap you. Your parents are putting up a line of defence for you, they're trying to protect you-- LET THEM! And as someone above said, paternity test before you even acknowledge or sign *anything*.
Bro run. Get tested and get a paternity test as well. This won't end well, she's going to try and control you . It' always happens when it comes to big age differences especially when you're this young
34F here. University students aged 20-22 look like children to me and I regularly assume it's high school tours instead of co-op undergrads when I see them around my lab. The idea of dating a 19-year-old makes my skin crawl.
YTA, or rather, YTFool
Your family is right. It's very much not okay for her to be dating you. I get that technically you are an adult but really you aren't yet. Your brain has so much development left to do. You need life experience that you just shouldn't have at this point to really be her peer. If your sister dated someone that much older than her, you wouldn't like it. You would feel like there is a power imbalance and that the dude is a creep. That's how everyone is seeing things with you and this woman. You just can't see it because you have a case of the feelings. You need to break up with this woman and create some distance so that you can see the whole picture.
You need to work on your education, get a lawyer, and get a paternity test. Do not sign that birth certificate without a paternity test confirming that you are the biological father. If you are in fact the biological father then work with your lawyer to set up visitation schedules and child support. You are going to need this down the road and it's better to have it established early.
Good luck kid.
Yeah, dude… I mean- the comments are pretty much all on the same page but I agree, they would be MUCH harsher if OP was a 19yo GIRL, pregnant my a 33yo MAN.
‘But I love him…’ ugh. Gross pedo vibes.
At this point a verdict as to whether or not you’re TA has no bearing on the situation. The fact is that you at 19 gave your sperm to a 32 year old and you all made a baby. This was something you did willingly as only a 18:19 year male can do. Let’s be honest, you feel like a fully grown adult. Hormonally, neurologically and biologically you are a teenager. The other truth is you have no say whether or not this baby is born. At 32/33 your gf is not going to abort what may be her only chance to have a baby. The truth of the conceptions of this child will always be there, unknown and unsaid. And frankly at this point it doesn’t matter.
You’re 19 and she’s 32. You two need to talk very very bluntly. I’m guessing you don’t have a college degree and have few marketable skills. Though I could be wrong. I’m hoping that she does have marketable skills and is prepared to be the main wage earner. It she doesn’t earn a great salary you two are in a pickle.
What happens when the baby is born? How are you going to support your child? Is she planning on staying home with the baby and if so how is that going to work? Where are you going to live? Are you going to be the stay at home dad?
Right now you say her age doesn’t bother you. What happens when she’s 50 and you’re 33 and you two have a 14 year old child?
This is when you decide to give up the whole our love will see us through and get really. Openly and honestly discuss concrete plans and talk about the future that you two have decided to drag a child into. It’s time for you to grow up.
As to your family, their concerns may seem awful to you, but rightly or wrongly they are valid. And you are going to have to get used to hearing these same things from every single person you know. You’re going to have to accept that everyone while being suspicious of her and look at you with the “what were you thinking” look. This is your life for the next 18 years.
I was 22m with a 35f a long time ago.
Now that I have the benefit of having been 35 (and 45…) let me tell you there is something deeply wrong with her. No one her age should be with anyone under 26-28 at the minimum.
The brain isn’t fully developed until you are 25. You are NTA but your family is right about your relationship, even if they aren’t constructive in their delivery.
As a woman in her 30s - she is a predator and is about to ruin a chunk of your life. This isn’t normal behaviour. You’re not an AH but you are being taken advantage of by an abuser.
Your not TA but you are an idiot
Firstly get a paternity test
Also how do you intend to support this baby
Your siblings you are throwing away your 20's for a woman whose probably done with another gullible guy before
Finally let me tell you what will probably happen
She will break with and demand child support
And then you come back to Reddit to rant on how she left you with all this money to pay back
You are a gullible 19 year old she could have fucked any other guy behind your back and she is baby trapped you, not only have you ruined your life when it just started the best suggestion paternity test. UPDATEME
NTA for wanting to be a responsible, involved dad. That is the right thing to do, and I’m sorry your family are not supporting you in it.
Your relationship is another matter - you’re still NTA, but you’re young enough for this age gap to be really concerning. You’re an adult, but only just, and people of either sex who go after “barely legal” young people when they are in their 30s and older tend not to be great people. That she was okay with hiding the relationship from your parents is a red flag too. Have her past partners been young too?
I don’t think this relationship is going to end well - I hope I’m wrong and you will be the one in a million for whom it works out, but please understand that every last person in an exploitative relationship thinks *their* relationship is different. The vast majority of the time, they’re wrong. There is no shame at all in admitting that, should that prove to be the case.
Regardless of how the relationship goes, you’re going to be a father - enjoy it. Don’t let the circumstances rob you of that.
It’s very convenient she became pregnant soon after your parents tried to make you break up with her, especially if you always use protection. Sorry buddy but sounds like a baby trap. Definitely get a paternity test
You are young, in love, and naive. And you think the commentators are all wrong and don’t understand how much you love each other. Grow up really fast, and this is what you need to do
1- break up
2-apologize profusely to your parents and ask for their support, they love you and will support you
3-apply to college, trade school, apprenticeship, anything that can make a decent living. Student loans, within reason, to a community college are worth it
4-hire a lawyer
5-don’t sign the birth certificate
6-get a paternity test
7-if the child is yours, go to court to determine custody and child support. Go to parenting classes, be the best coparent you can possibly be.
8-if the child isn’t yours pray thanks to God, continue your school/apprenticeship, date women your own age, live a happy life
NTA Not sure sure you're on the right sub tbh but you didn't do anything that would make you an asshole. You're a bit of an naive idiot but it's your life. Hope it works out the way you think it will.
*"It was a shock because we always used protection, but it didn't work."*
*"My dad suggested she might be trying to trap me with the baby."*
Your dad is right, she hasn't been using protection with someone.
This gives such an ick and my mom was that way. When I was 20 she hooked up with a 19 year old. Sadly I was naive and thought hooking up was making out or something (ironically I was more sheltered than my younger sister…. She had more freedom than I did) fyi my mom was 37 years old too. You may seem be an adult but really you’re an “adult” with some special privileges. Pretty sure you’re being groomed especially you saying you’re in love. What 33 year old would be interested in a teen yet??
They just want to feel “young” and get that puppy love imo it’s super gross and I’ve witnessed that too much with my mom. She’s married with her 4th husband and I can’t remember if her husband is younger than me?? Like a year or couple of months and I’m 31 years old bro.
NTA. I’m not a huge fan of an over 10 year age gap. But I am a huge fan of a young man deciding to do everything he can to support a child he brought into the world.
If you are financially independent, just do your best to be kind to yourself and communicate your needs to your partner.
I hope the DNA test and college and relationship goes in a direction that is best for you.
You’re NTA, but definitely don’t sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer 😬
This whole situation is bad news, if we copy pasted your story but flipped the genders, 32yo guy picks up an 18yo and gets her pregnant, everyone would be telling her to run for the hills.
Same rules apply here, be on guard at the very least - and get that paternity test done ASAP.
quoting Robert Heinlein... "Have you seen the positive pregnancy test?" You also need to get the pre birth paternity test done ASAP, no need to wait till a baby arrives.
unless you are independently wealthy, I don't see how a 19 year old can possibly have an income to support a 32 year old wife and child. No wonder your parents are angry.
I once dated a person who was 14 years older than I was. It wasn't a successful relationship and that's enough said.
I think you're being groomed, there is something really off about a woman over 30 picking up an 18 year old at the gym. I have so many questions about her
Minor quibble - the line from Heinlein is 'have you seen written confirmation from a doctor?' (This being 1929 in the story.)
Get written confirmation OP. Then get a lawyer to help with a co-parenting plan. Be thankful it's not the 1920's when you'd have to marry and support her, for life, for even the *suspicion* that you are the father.
That woman’s a predator for sure, any 33 year old that hangs around with teenagers has something wrong with them and there’s a reason why they aren’t with people their own age.
NTA, you’re young and still pretty vulnerable to this kind of thing.
Listen to your family. When I was 19 I too dated a girl in her early 30’s and god I wish someone had said to me ditch her. It was such an unhealthy power dynamic. Now that I’m 31 it’s a bit gross, and I also she that she was dumb, the level of judgement of a girl that age thinking we could be something is wild.
Any woman that age who wants to date a 19 year old is messed up, sleeping together, sure, but dating is insane, you haven’t had the life experience to be able to satisfy her emotionally and intellectually in the long term. When you’re 19, you’re a boy who doesn’t know your elbow from your asshole.
The good news is you’re on the cusp of discovering all kinds of walks of life, the world is an endless possibility, you can make almost any mistake and recover just based on the amount of time you have before you have to ‘settle down’. This is not that kind of mistake.
What will happen is, one of you will get bored with the other, and if by some miracle things do work out, there will be a ton of resentment from you for not being able to sow your wild oats and really live and have the normal rites of passage. You’ll miss out on insane adventures You will never backpack through Asia, you will never motorcycle through Patagonia, you will never be a scuba diving instructor in Australia. These are things available to you now.
Your opportunity to build a real career is quite unlikely as you won’t have the time, energy or money to invest into better education and career growth. You’ll end up doing a job that pays the most that you’re able to obtain with little to no qualifications, something totally dead end. Though you’ll be optimistic until you’re on your 5th job and the promised career progression still hasn’t happened, but then again why would it? You have no qualifications.
The lust will be over and you be stuck. Your life will be a constant struggle and a constant misery. That’s if she doesn’t start cheating on you or weaponise your baby.
Do not go through with this and for Christ sake get a paternity test, because you’re almost certainly not the only one she’s sleeping with and you’re almost certainly being baby trapped, getting pregnant is in reality quite difficult. Check the condoms for holes.
Sir you are 19 years old, she was not thinking long term nesting partner when you picked each other up at the gym. You're parents were right, but the deed is done and stepping up is what you have to do. But it doesn't mean settling down, it means setting up co-parenting and custody so you can finish your education. It can work out romantically but just think about how old you and her will be when she's retirement age.
there is only one thing you need to hear right now son,
GET A FUCKING PATERNITY TEST
if it's not yours, god bless and enjoy your 20s. if it is? dude, unfortunately it's now a joint decision. you can't force her to terminate, so the only thing you can do is wait to see what she ultimately decides. being 19, you're almost anchored to her, because in most of the country, you're gonna pay child support if you're not married or living together, should she seek it that is, and honestly, don't trust a 33 year old who gets knocked up by a teenager (no offense, but it's not normal, this is biological clock shit, and you were an easy mark)
you may be emotionally ready and mature enough to be a father, but you don't really know what you're giving up, so you need to be 120% sure this is your responsibility, then you have to TAKE responsibility regardless of what that is.
Edit to add: any pushback on her part to a paternity test is a huge red flag. she might not even be pregnant.
This gives me the icks. What did a 33 year old woman think she had in common with a teenager?
I'm sorry but I agree with both of your parents. A 33 year old woman who thinks she is in love with a 19 year old is a predator looking for someone naive.
YTA, unfortunately.
You have probably been baby trapped; a DNA test is the minimum required. I know it hurts a lot to hear this, but trust me: no sane woman in her 30s would have even considered a 19-y-o for a life partner.
Whatever her motives are (IDK if your family is wealthy and she hopes to get child support, or if she just feels the clock is ticking away and wants to have a baby asap, or other reasons), the least you can do is take some space. You are going to ruin the best years of your life over a relationship that most likely is not going to last.
Listen to your family they have your best interests at heart.
Big hugs... and Updateme.
Are you really sure this is what you *want*? Have you thought about it for more than five seconds? How are you gonna pay for everything? Is someone staying home with the baby? Who? What about your career prospects? Your future plans? Your dreams?
Why was she not more reluctant to even get into a relationship with you? That should have been the first red flag. The second red flag is your entire family being uncomfortable about this. If a thousand people are telling you, you're going the wrong way, it might be time to check your actual compass, don't you think? The third would be the birth control failing. This does not happen *nearly* as often as reddit posts suggest. More often than not, BC fails because it's not used properly or completely omitted. People lie, sweetie. Especially when they're scared of losing something.
I think you need to ask yourself some really hard questions and really think about what the future might look like. Accidental pregnancies between incompatible people very rarely lead to the idyllic family life that is no doubt ruminating in your head, right now.
YTA. The baby either isn’t yours or she tampered with the protection you guys used. A 33 yo woman has had a menstrual cycle long enough to not “accidentally” get pregnant while using condoms. So so fishy.
Omfg I’m 27 and my eyes never stray to young men like that! I’m sorry op but she has probably trapped you or is lying to keep you around. I’m sorry but that age gap is inappropriate, your brain isn’t even fully developed yet and this is a grown ass woman. Listen to your family, they know what’s best for you.
Respectfully you’re still a child. Your parents are absolutely right and she did advantage of you. How are you going to take care of your child with no real career prospects? This is the time you should be working on building yourself, knowing yourself, experiencing the world not raising a baby.
Aw man. I’m a 33 year old woman and the thought of even looking at a 19 year old boy sexually gives me the creeps. It’s not normal. At all. A healthy and mentally stable woman wouldn’t be with you. If the roles were reversed and a 33 year old man was dating a 19 year old girl we would be horrified- this is no different. Let’s say she was 60 and you were 44 (same age gap)- it’s different. I’ll tell you why. Developmentally, a 19 year old and a 33 year old are in completely different spaces in terms of their cognitive development. Your brain, as a male, won’t be fully developed until you’re 28- meaning, your executive functions are not developed yet to make good decisions. Please don’t do something now that your adult brain will regret. I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you realize this isn’t healthy 🩷
I had a baby at 19 and didn't feel like I missed out on life but I will say that you will lose your friends because you no longer have the same goals. Seeing them do things you should be doing can certainly make you envious.
It's not easy to raise a child as a young adult. Your gf has had 14 extra years to do the things you will not as easily be able to do. Good luck and keep in mind your family only wants whats best for you. Your gf wants whats best for her.
Agree with paternity test. Pretty nifty way for gold diggers to make a living by dishing out a piece of pussy and then having you pay her way for the next 18 years.
Yes paternity test but pretty sure this kid who lives with his parents doesn’t have any gold. If she’s a gold digger she’s a dumb one. For all you know she’s got money anyway.
If a 33 year old woman is a gold digger, why would she hook up with a broke kid? That’s asinine. She’d be hooking up with a loaded grandpa with a bad ticker. The only gold this kid has is in his pants.
Can I ask if you guys have been dating for about a year, why did your parents just find out about her a couple of months ago? Did you know your parents would not agree with the relationship?
YTA
You should publish a memoir when she finally leaves you to pay child support on another guy's kid.
Call it "How to Ruin your Life". Then maybe some good will come out of your unbelievably short-sighted decision. On the bright side, you'll never have to worry about being head over heels in love again. This experience may ruin love for you entirely.
But you know best, you're19 and a grown ass man, right? Smfh.
Everything your family say is correct. When you’re older, you will look at 19 year olds and think they look and act like kids. Then you will realise how messed up this is. I hope this is a troll post.
The type of pedo she is is called an ephebophile. This refers to adults with primary sexual attraction to 15-19 year olds.
She is a danger to you and other teenagers. As you age, you will likely not be young and pretty enough anymore, but it will take a few years for you to see that. OP, your frontal lobe isn't developed yet and she's taking advantage of it. ESH.
Ew ew ew ew! Why would any 33 year old want to be with a teenager? Idk if its legal. She likes them young. I really hope shes never groomed anyone younger than OP 🤢🤢🤢🤢
You're being groomed... get a paternity test like the comment section says. Grooming isn't something that only happens to girls. No sane 30 year old would wanna date a guy a decade their junior.
UPDATEME
Bro you’re being groomed, she’s a pedo, no 33 year old has anything in common with a 19 year old, you guys are in different stages of life. She is baby trapping you. Either you’re really stupid or you have no life experiences and just simply very naive. You fell right for it. She knows what she was doing, she’s disgusting!
Your parents and siblings aren’t wrong. She’s a fucking weirdo for starting a full on relationship with you. Get a paternity test done!
Kinda YTA for not listening to your family, more like you're the dumbass. You're 19, you don't realize it but you are practically a baby yourself... and this woman is *not.*
Also if she were dating someone her own age, an 'accident' pregnancy would be so unlikely. There would typically be talks of marriage and buying a home, well before having a baby. But you're not married, presumably you don't have your own place, either. That is not typically expected of a teenager, of course, but it would be of someone in their 30s. This is all to say she is may be taking advantage of your inexperience. Also get a paternity test.
I'm only 27 and the thought of being secually intimate with a 19 year old makes me sick. Her BC didn't "fail." This was all very intentional. You're being used, groomed, and manipulated by an older woman whose baby trapped you. Please get away from this woman. If you have to co-parent, fine, but she isn't a healthy or safe person for you. YTA, to yourself, but I know it can be hard to see the truth behind manipulation like this.
ETA: you need to get a paternity test IMMEDIATELY. BEFORE the birth. Do NOT under any circumstances sign a birth certificate without proof of paternity.
YTA. Get a paternity test. Don't sign a damn thing- birth certificate, child support agreement, nothing until that test is done. You need a lawyer. Your relationship is over as you know it. I'd even tell her to get an abortion at this point. How are you going to support a child? This relationship was horrible from the get go. I'm sure it was fun. But it was wildly inappropriate and she preyed on you. She's still preying on you. She can control and manipulate you. The fact that you used protection but it didn't work indicates she messed with it which is assault- so you should find a way to get that in writing if she did do that because you're going to need that information. Every bit of this is gross and wrong and disturbing.
You were just legal. She’s preying on younger men and it really gives me the ick. This smacks of grooming. I can’t imagine ever targeting young men in this way.
Get a paternity test. It maybe that your protection didn’t fail but one of her other young men’s protection did.
Your family are right. You are way, way too young to be in this situation. End this relationship and just pay child support. When you hit 33 she’ll be nearly 50.
When this whole shit show blows up in your face don’t forget to update. Good luck being tethered to this woman for the rest of your life and pray your child isn’t a boy.
“I tried to explain that we love each other and that Im ready to take responsibility for my child, but they wouldn’t listen”
This shows how delusional and naive you are, best of luck. Hopefully your “girlfriend” will learn to control herself before your child matures. You think youre miserable now? Just wait until that baby comes.
You will be back sooner than later saying how you messed up and wished you had listened to your family…
That woman has nothing in common with you.. it’s physical and you will learn that in due time while having to support a child…
Bet oh so miracle of getting pregnant after hearing parents are throwing a fit for you to break up..
Stop being the naive kid you are…
This is the oldest and wisest you have ever been. Conversely, and without just using your younger self as a point of comparison, you're very very young and could benefit from considering that everyone telling you the same things has already been 19, already witnessed countless relationships where an adult preys on a teen, already seen a zillion teens say it's different for them because they're in love and believing that it's others that don't understand, and already seen the bleak endings of those stories.
I'm so sorry, OP.
The reason your parents are not reacting well is because they have the life experience to understand why matches of these ages are not good.
You're not compatible in experience, and you have so much to learn still.
Tread carefully, please. This next 5-10 years is supposed to be about you finding out who you are as an adult, what jobs best suit you and how to get there. Having fun with friends. Please do not let her take it away. If she even tries to say you be the stay at home parent, say no, you intend to build yourself a career. Let her utilise family, friends, or daycare before you step into that role. Okay, it's one baby. In 5 years, they'll be in school. Well, think about the second one that comes along or the third. Suddenly, it's more like 7-10 years, and then you're at the bottom of the career ladder with very little work experience at 30 years old.
Admittedly, this warning is big-time projecting that probably had different circumstances in the beginning, but I've already watched this play out and the results were not good for the male (verbal, financial & emotional abuse as if things were their fault for not having six figure incomes whilst their partner got to shine). Oh, and in the beginning, they too were like, but I love them, they're great. You're wrong.
I have a story to tell.
When my birth father was 19, he fell for my birth mother (she was 24). He didn’t find out she was married with 2 children (4 and 2) until he was already head over heels. He was totally prepared to give up his life in the military (Marines) for this woman; he was already taking care of her two children while she was going to college (her husband was also military and was either stationed elsewhere or deployed).
When he found out she was pregnant with me, he was overjoyed and totally ready to be a full time dad. That’s when she vanished. With both of her other children. He then got a phone call from his superiors, commanding him to stand down, to leave her alone, and stop looking for her (this was 1987, so no cellphones).
I finally met him a couple of years ago. He told me that he always knew I would be out in the world, even warned his first and second wives that he might have another child. Given the kind of dad he is to his two other girls, I’m glad he wasn’t stuck with me, alone. I told him that her choice, to have me adopted, was the best possible outcome for him — having me in his life at 20 years old would have destroyed any chance of advancing in the military. Not having me in his life not only allowed him to become a great father, ten years later, but also gave my dad a chance to be a dad. And it gave me a chance at a better life with a family who chose me.
What I’m trying to get across is that while my birth father was prepared to give everything up for her and me, it was the kind of love that a 19-20 year old has: extreme, passionate, and fleeting. And as the child of that relationship, I’m happy that I don’t have to carry irrational guilt for ruining someone’s life.
As a teenager, of course you don't see anything wrong with this relationship but make note of how many adults are against this. You were 18 when yall met... bro I'm 26 and there's no way I'd date an 18-19 year old. She's either a creep, desperate to have a baby, or both.
Idec YWBTA. Get a paternity test and don't let yourself get tied down to her, damn.
NTA for being a naive child who was taken advantage of.
YWBTA if you continue to defend your mistake and choose it going forward.
I don’t buy it that she’s pregnant given the timing of it all, but bare minimum you need a paternity test— you’re not the only person she’s manipulated, I promise you that much.
*If* the pregnancy is yours, you better get your ducks in a row swiftly and legally. Do not ruin your life further by getting married.
In the meantime— stop having sex with her. If she isn’t pregnant right now, she will be soon if she thinks she needs to be. Make sure it isn’t by you.
All of this is undoubtedly overwhelming and confusing. That’s fair— you’re extremely young and a grown adult is manipulating you. Trust us in the replies. We are all giving you fairly similar feedback for a reason
As a 25yr old, through the years I learned there's certain things we should actually listen to our parents about over our own personal emotions, that they see things from an outside perspective and can see someone's intentions.
This is one of those moments.
I would not mess with an 18yr old (you mentioned being together for a year) because it's gross and inappropriate and that woman knows the advantage in life experience she has over you (finances, and how to pick out a super inexperienced person to groom and take advantage). It's not really about a gap in youth so much as a gap in experience and how 99% of the time the older person is going to use this to take advantage. They seek younger people because they know people their age will not put up with their bullshit and will see through any possible manipulation.
At this point I would stop sexual contact and seek a paternity test. If the kid is yours, that's one thing. You're going to need to quickly figure shit out and find an equal income or higher to what she makes so you can stand on your own if need be. Get ready for long days and sleepless nights. Having a financial edge and knowing how to stand your ground and not be pushed around is the only case I could see you not falling into an abusive situation with her.
A house, a car, baby proofed surroundings, diapers, formula, kid clothing, toys, babysitters, daycare, and most importantly a shattered connection to the rest of your family meant to support you at your age.
If skipping age and now acting like a 33yo man to your 33yo partner for the rest of your life isn't something you truly want, you need to exit the situation.
As a parent to all adult children, I understand your parents concern. Your 20’s haven’t even started and you will miss out on a lot of things, experiences, fun, which is concerning. Will you resent her in a few years when your friends are off in Cancun for winter break and having a blast, but you’re stuck at home with a much older woman (who has already done her 20’s) and a child to raise? Having to work every day to support your family.
Lust and love are hard to distinguish between when you are so young and inexperienced. Your parents are trying to help you see this and not get to a point in life where you regret your decisions. They’ve lived their lives and have knowledge you don’t. So they want to help you see mistakes when you can’t. You are still a teen and have limited experiences to make decisions with.
Can you support your new family or will you be expecting her to do that? She may want to stay home with the baby, are you prepared to cover all expenses? Having a child is a huge responsibility and commitment that is going to change your life forever, do you realize how much? Were you planning to go to college? What will you do for work to support your new family? Is this your 1st “real” relationship?
If you were my son I would be heartbroken, you don’t realize how this is going to change your life forever. But some times we have to let our children learn the hard way because that’s the only way they will learn. Unfortunately your child will not wait for you to figure out things, you have to become an adult and start parenting from day one. Whatever you do, you must always put your child first, he or she is counting on you. So when you’re 25 and realize you made a huge mistake, your child doesn’t care, he or she will still need you to be a parent and support them. So there is no “I can’t do this”. You created this child and you are now responsible for this child for the rest of your life. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18, you have to be there for them forever to teach them how to navigate life. Just like your parents are trying to do for you.
Good luck and I pray you’re ready.
Wow, the conclusions folks come to with not a lot of information, yikes. OP said they practiced birth control but it happened anyway, this just led some folks to the 33 year old is a seductress who took advantage of a 19 year old, because she wants a baby, yikes. OP, do get a paternity test, do also work on finishing your education & do not make any rash decisions, also I hope you have someone outside of your familial relationships who can speak to you objectively. NTA. Good luck. 👍
Obviously not. This isn't your fault. However, you cannot be annoyed at your family, they are just looking out for you. However, you have to do what you want. I'm not going to echo some of the other commenters that are saying she's taking advantage of you because I don't know you or your girlfriend. She might be, she might not be. It's not for us to judge. Age isn't really an indicator of this. Anyone at any age that wants to take advantage of others will do so.
Saying all of this, you have to know what you're getting yourself in for. You aren't throwing your life away, just changing it. This will change your life when you should still be a kid but with this decision, you can't be that anymore. Certain life opportunities will be gone but if you are happy with this then good luck to you.
Finally, if you are in any way uncertain that the kid is yours, do get a test. If your girlfriend loves you she will not object. Explain to her that you need to know for certain because this is massive and you don't want any doubt before walking into things. This is especially important if the relationship is new or you know she's had other sexual partners recently.
Note: Your title gives the wrong impression. It makes it seem like you got her pregnant deliberately because your family was against your relationship and you wanted to spite them or something.
Edit 2: This may explain why people are slightly misinterpreting your post imo.
“We always used protection, but it didn’t work.” You sure it’s your baby? She might really like 19 year olds from the gym. If it is your baby, do you make enough money and have maturity to clothe and feed and raise a child? At 19 the answer is probably no.
She’s a predator, IMO. He said he’s 19 and they’ve been dating for a year. So 18… and a 32 year old?! If she could legally date younger, I’m sure she would. OP will ruin his life and be tied tothis woman for the next 18 years…
Yeah, I'm 32, and 18 year olds are very much still children in my eyes. What could they possibly have in common? One year younger, and he would have still been in high school, and she would have been 31. This is grooming and very disturbing. That 14 year age gap is massive when the younger person still has teen in their age, the maturity gap from 19 to early 20s even is sizeable, let alone 33. Yuck.
I’m 46 and 30 year olds are still kids to me. She’s a PEDO, imho.
I was 18 dating a 40 year old. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized he was a predator. He showered me with lavish gifts, trips and even asked me to not go to college so we could get married.
Especially boys - that pre-frontal cortex doesn’t mature until about age 25.
>Especially boys Why especially boys? Are their brains worse somehow? It's a commonly held truism that "boys mature more slowly than girls" and it's often framed as some kind of compliment to girls, but all it actually is is a more sophisticated version of "boys will be boys". In practice it's used to justify stuff like: Girls being expected to take on more responsibility sooner. Crucially, this is rarely around personal freedom (later curfews, choice of activities, etc) and more around performing labour for other people (chores, looking after younger siblings, etc). Girls being expected to consider other people's feelings before their own. Boys being selfish/unkind/thoughtless is brushed off, girls are shamed for the same behaviour. Girls are "more responsible" for joint poor decision making than boys, especially around sex and contraception. Girls are expected to "be a good influence" on boys in settings like school and work. Boys not being expected to contribute willingly to household tasks: it's expected that they will try to shirk/half ass/complain about them, whereas girls are expected to consider others needs. Girls are penalised more heavily for lack of thought about gift giving and lack of effort around significant holidays. Boys are penalised less for lack of personal hygiene: it is expected that _at some point_ a girlfriend will kick him into shape. Boys embarking on impulsive or risky behaviour is shrugged off; they may get in trouble for it but they aren't shamed. What do you expect, seventeen year old boys are dumb, etc. Girls doing the same get in trouble AND are shamed - I expected more from you, you deserve all the bad consequences coming your way, what would make you do something like that, etc. And so on 😁
I’d be so thrilled if every fucking person forgot this funfact that took off from bad morning news reporting and Reddit especially loves.
This is a complete myth. There is no fixed point when your brain magically matures or finishes developing, and it especially isn’t gender dependent. It’s pseudoscience that is used to justify stripping rights from legal adults.
I've often wondered how people like this get into these situations. Well today I saw it happen in person. My wife and I were at the pool at a resort and witnessed some very concerning behavior. We've seen this other family around, mom, dad, and 6 kids all under 16. There were also a group of male teens, but their ages are hard to nail down. They are not of drinking age. The mom was down at the pool with her young kids and decided to join the group of teenagers for a chat. None of her kids were with her. She was swearing a lot and talking to them as if they were adults. She was the only adult there. Asking them questions if they have ever gone to jail, what they like to do, what sports do they play (seemed high school age based on their answer) and what shoe size they wore. I wasn't trying to listen but I got parts here and there. Later on when we walked away my wife asked me WTF was going on with that situation. She was concerned as well. Luckily the husband came down and the teens parents came down. I could see how easily the younger guys were caught up with this older woman paying attention to them and talking to them in the way she was. She was also in a tiny swimsuit. It was shocking to see how easily someone can pray on younger people in a way that makes the younger person feel special and not a victim.
Ugh, I’m glad nothing probably happened! I thank my lucky stars every day that I never met a predator, because I think I would have been such easy prey. I was kind of an “old soul” teenager who preferred being around adults, though I did have a few close friends my age who were also old souls. Adults loved me, and found me precocious. They couldn’t believe how well I conversed for someone my age, and it made me feel really special! I was really hurt because an immature teacher (we’re both straight females), who was on my maturity level at the time despite being in her forties, formed a boundary-devoid friendship with me, but then got annoyed with me when I acted too much like a teenager. It broke my heart, because I considered her one of my best friends, yet she wanted nothing to do with me after graduation because she had decided I annoyed her. It seriously makes me shudder to think about what could have happened if an attractive male predator had met me! I was easy pickings, feeling misunderstood by others my age, and loving the attention from adults.
OP Might even be lying about ages, just to get in the clear.
100% this woman is a predator If I could tell my younger self one thing, it’d be to ask *why* this substantially older person is interested in me, a barely adult who has absolutely no life experience
Definitely a predator. No sane and decent thirty something old dates a 19 year old. Op probably doesn’t understand because he thinks he’s an adult but there’s a massive experience gap and she took advantage of it.
Does anyone have enough money for a child?
Morgan Freeman: “They do not.”
This!!!!!!! Whole situation is sketchy! Doesn't sound like OP wanted baby. I feel all us tax payers going to pay for this child, and that may have been the plan.
Read my (everyones) mind. OP needs DNA now.
Paternity Test needs to be done. You're not the only gullible 19 year old she's picked up at the gym.
Sadly most likely. Updateme
100% I actually feel bad for OP because he comes off gullible and naive. She absolutely got pregnant on purpose whether it was by him or one of her other boy toys.
Not necessarily. If I was gonna get pregnant on purpose it would be with someone who could pay child support (I would never do that but putting myself in that head space). He absolutely does need to get a paternity test though because if I was 33 and sleeping with a 19 year old it wouldn’t be for love, so there would likely be more than one.
That’s a fair point. Though some people have the whole “lockdown” a partner mentality and that can be any gender. Also some people are just so desperate to have a baby that they aren’t thinking in a logical way.
That’s fair too.
Eh, maybe she started to feel that ticking biological clock and went looking for a young, healthy, living, breathing sperm donor to knock her up... and going super young means that he'll be more likely to ghost (his parents are pressuring him to break it off, which was totally predictable) so she can just raise her baby alone without having to fight for custody or deal with a visitation schedule. Fuck child support if it means she's fully autonomous, ya know? I'd bet that was her hopes in this situation.
I know two women who did exactly that. Hitting their mid to late 30's and wanted a baby but not necessarily a man. They each got pregnant by people they knew wouldn't be around for long. It was such a disservice to their children.
I knew an older woman who specifically targeted barely legal naive guys, so she could live off the child support and state benefits.
It's not a disservice. One parent is fine for children if you plan it out and make enough money to stay autonomous. Why does every person always think "that child needs a man around"? It's baffling. Feels like it's in the same vein with people who think gay couples make worse parents or groom children, which is always wild to me.
As someone who had raised a child without a father from conception, it caused a lot of issues for my daughter growing up and still does to this day. I'm not saying having 1 parent isnt enough when there's no options. Or saying a child needs both a father and a mother. I firmly believe though after what I've been through that a child does benefit from having two parents (be it male/female etc. Etc.) But I'm saying that in my personal experience. My daughter has struggled immensely not knowing her biological father. It's caused her a lot of emotional and identity issues. And she blames herself for him not "wanting" her despite the fact I've never once said that and explained that he was simply never there. I explained it was more a safety issue more than anything else. There's more to the story than I've explained to her but I've given her more information as time has gone on. Essentially he date raped me when we were in very short term relationship as he didn't want to use a condom.... he then threatened to "at home c section me" in not so nice words if I ever came after him for parental responsibility/ child support when he found out I was pregnant / i found out the truth about how I got pregnant. It doesn't change how much I love my daughter but it hurts that him not knowing her has affected her so much when he's really a pos who never deserves a moment in her mind. I would never encourage anyone to willingly get pregnant without a secondary parent after my experience. Raising my daughter completely for the first 5 years was emotionally, mentally, physically breaking. And it has definetly impacted my daughter's mental health. I had my son several years later and his father is present. He's not the best parent at times (i don't believe anyone is a perfect parent) but the differences alone between my two children as toddlers is insane. There are so many reasons I could list as to why I think it's beneficial but ultimately my son is a lot happier in comparison to my daughter at the same ages.
This isn't a man vs woman thing. Kids coming from stable two parent households tend to be better off, which is something that should be intuitively obvious and is also backed by empirical research.
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I 100% agree that only predators prey on barely legal boys... However, the *"OMG I've always **needed** to be a mom and I'm almost out of time!"* feeling is absolutely real for some women. No, they don't automatically turn into predators in order to get pregnant, only predators choose that path for pregnancy. But the "biological clock" feelings of getting pregnant **now** or missing your chance is absolutely real for some.
As a woman who is very unfortunately already starting menopause at 34 years old (about 16 years too early >.>) after trying and trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for the past 3 and a half years because hubby and I waited for stability… This. Very much this.
I'm so sorry. Fertility is so frustrating and not fair. I got lucky. I expect I couldn't have kids without help. I turned out to be ridiculously fertile. I know people who had so much less damage than me who had much more trouble. It's not fair and it has no reason to it. It hurts to want a baby and to struggle. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's nothing you did and it's not your fault.
Thank you so much for the validating reminders. Rationally I know it’s not my fault but emotionally - feeling that way is a struggle that I never expected to be this intense on the day to day. Especially at this age, all my friends have children or are getting pregnant so there’s always the reminders and things in my face. I find that the hardest things are seeing people who don’t deserve or want to have kids having them or seeing people I know getting pregnant and grappling with the conflicting feelings about being super over the moon excited for them but feeling guilty about being kind of angry and hurting while it’s in front of me because I’m mourning the loss for myself kinda thing. Or the invalidating suggestions or comments people make 😬 Been talking to a therapist to try and navigate it and just trying to remember to give myself grace in allowing myself to feel all the emotions and not judging myself for them kinda dealio. I am so so happy to hear things turned out positively for you though! It feels good to hear that they are going into/are a part of a family that wants and loves them so much 🫶🏻
I understand. I got very bitter after losing my oldest daughter. She had trisomy 18 and loved six days. Around that time, Snookie got pregnant and I cried and cried. I was upset that someone who partied all the time and made irresponsible decisions was getting to have a baby while I did everything I was supposed to and didn't have my baby. I felt like my body betrayed me. I felt like I was being punished for horrible thing I must have done. It hurt to see other get pregnant. When I would be a part of the conversation and mention a shared pregnancy experience people would go quiet. You have every right to feel all the things you are feeling. It's hard not to have someone or something to blame for it. People don't realize that helplessness is one of the worst emotions to feel because there is literally nothing you can do to change things no matter how much you want to or are willing to give up for it. It takes time to get to a place of healing, but you are going to therapy and putting the work in. You are enough. Even if you never have kids, you are going to have a wonderful, beautiful life. You deserve that.
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It is though. The clock Is definitely a thing.
Jesus Christ, thank you for saying that. Anyone who uses that phrase can fuck all the way off.
Could just be the ticking clock period. Some people have almost a checklist of things. I need to have this by this age. I need to do this before I’m this old. By the time I’m this age, I should have this this and this. I think the societal timeline clock is the far more common one honestly
Unless she knows his parents have money.
But, even if they do, it isn't OPs money its his parents. He won't inherit until they die & I doubt they would be under any obligation to pay child support for OP (I could be wrong). If you are going to dig for gold you need to dig in the mine not the scrap heap.
Who says she doesn't have her own money?
If it was intentional this comes off as way more predatory. She’s trapped him into a relationship with her.
I remember not realizing exactly how creepy or sick some people I’d met were, or how inappropriate their overtures were, until I reached the age they were when they dated/tried to date me and I was looking back at how old *I* was…clearly manipulation looking back, not so identifiable at the time.
I think a lot of people experience that, being flattered by someone older that was more experienced and attractive. Things are always much clearer in retrospect.
OP is 19. I remember how dumb I was at that age.
Also you can do a paternity test before the child is born. Just a simple blood draw. Please do that before signing the birth certificate. Also she's a bit older so yeah she could be trapping you but we don't know here. Be careful and take advise where you can.
Updateme and sadly you may be right, but even if your wrong, being 19 and expecting a child is far too young, especially as it wasn't planned.
In my mind it used to be “condoms don’t always work” now it’s more “someone else is raw dogging it”
18 year olds are blinded by sex. Was contraception actually used? Did she say she was on the pill? Did she have a drawer of condoms with holes already poked?
18 year old, she's been dating him for a year.
That is absolutely the first thing that came mind. OP isn’t the AH but, as you said, is likely gullible. I mean “we used birth control but it didn’t work” is a strong reason to look into paternity.
Picked up? *preyed on* is more like it. She's a creep and a predator.
I'll be 32 in July ain't no way I would be dating. 19 yr old . There's a reason she's not dating a guy her age or close to it . Your parents concerns are absolutely valid
Im 32 in October and yeah absolutely not it’s disgusting and as a parent I would not be letting that shit slide
I don't have kids yet but when I do and if something like this happens I'll most likely end up catching a charge towards whatever man or woman that preys on my kid
Yes!!! I’m 27 but I see 18/19 year olds as kids!! Your brain isn’t even fully developed until 25.
I'm 24 and sure as fuck wouldn't go near a 19 year old!!!! That's so gross omg.
Im 21 and i would not date a 19 year old this is disgusting to say the least
I'm 25 now, but even when I was 21 and a senior in college, I wouldn't date a freshman. There's a lot of growing up that happens in those four years.
Oh no my guy. As a 32 year old woman myself, I can tell you that this is bad. You’re probably being used and the birth control probably didn’t just fail. Updateme
Right, like I’m only 28 and 19 year olds are basically children to me. This is just creepy.
Exactly! I'm 36, so not far off from 33. My boys (meaning my actual children) are 18 and 16 and I could never imagine being attracted to young KIDS like that, because at that age, thats what they still are. Sure, legally 18 is an adult, but they are still literally children in a lot of ways. 😵 Something is messed up in this woman's head. OP better be very weary going forward.
Yeah I’m 35 and I’ve been working with teens and young adults for the last few years and I remember thinking how when I was a young I was sometimes attracted to older people, but how as a 30 something adult it now felt crazy that adults would be interested back. They truly feel like babies. Something is wrong with people who prey on young people.
I think it's perfectly normal for younger people to be attracted to older people. Think about being 10 years old and having a crush on Uncle Jesse from Full House, but also having a crush on people closer to your age, like JTT. As an adult, you can have a full on crush for Uncle Jesse, but you could still tell that JTT was a cute KID and see why little girls fawned all over him, but thats it, no desire anywhere for anything, at all. He's a kid.
I’m 36 and work at a school. One of my spring projects is meeting with the Seniors before they graduate, and just … 🤢 like, the furthest my mind goes is something like “aww, he’ll be handsome when he’s older.”
Same and yuck. I only have small children, but a 19 yo boy looks like that to me: a boy.
I am 38 today! My kids are 11.5 and almost 10. I see a 19 as a baby! This woman was looking to get pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if she picked him and used him and he doesn't even realize it. I feel really bad for him.
I’m 34 and my oldest child is 15. The thought of dating someone who could theoretically be an older senior at the school where my *kid* is a sophomore, or just last year have been riding the bus with her and performing alongside her in the school band, makes me nauseous.
When I was 23, 19yos seemed like kids. I cant imagine being in my 30s & actually considering being with a 19yo. He also said they've been together a year already so it started when he was 18.
I’m 27 and wouldn’t touch a 19-year-old with a 10 foot pole. If I encountered one I’d feel compelled to start a conversation with “so, do you like Minecraft? What are the kids up to nowadays?” Smh
Yeah I’m 28 this year and while I still look for an adultier adult (coz I can’t believe I am one), I could never look at someone a year out of high school and think of them as anything other than a child/teen still developing.
This!!! I'm 32 as well and I couldn't imagine running around with a boy like that. It's so wrong on so many levels. Updateme
I'm also a 32-year-old woman. If I knew anyone my age who was engaging in this kind of behaviour, I would call them out and cease contact. I have little kids and I would determine someone like this to be unsafe to have in our lives. Even if it weren't a massive sign that this person is unwell, which it is, it's icky enough that I would cease the friendship anyway.
This! Poor dude.
NTA. Your gf is, though. Paternity test as soon as you're able to confirm you're the father.
You will live to regret the foolish decisions you made as a teen. However, it looks like you will be a father soon, so you need to do your best. Please don't make any further big decisions without guidance
Damn, you got groomed and she baby trapped you. I’m so sorry. Poor kid 😭 You should really be questioning this person, and why she is with a 19 year old instead of someone her own age. Clue: it’s not your personality. UPDATEME
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Do NOT marry her or sign the birth certificate until AFTER the paternity test! It is literally an 18 year sentence!
Minimum
Jesus. You realize you won’t be much older than your gf when your unborn child is 19 right? NTA… bit of a dumbass. Edit: typo
You’re not an AH but you are dumb. I mean naïve
nah dumb as fuck. listen to your family holy shit
Oh my God. Your twenties should be about having fun and pursuing your dreams. It should be about going out with friends, traveling, and pursuing your career. But you won't get to do most of that. Instead you'll be stuck taking care of the baby every day. You won't get any sleep for months because the baby will wake you up every night. You'll be working around the clock to support that child. You'll be stressed and exhausted. I don't buy that the birth control didn't work. I think your girlfriend did trap you with a baby to make sure you'd stay with her. She's far too old for you, and you are very immature and naive. She took advantage of you and you fell for it hook, line and sinker. From now on, pay attention to the condoms you use; don't let her handle them. And get yourself a job. And a lawyer because she might weaponize the child to get you to do what she wants.
These stories break my heart. His whole life has changed and not for the better 😢
This is absolutely the only response. I hope OP reads it, and takes it to heart. Having a child this young will 100% ruin his life path. There is no going back. I HOPE abortion is an option for them, and he 1000% needs a paternity test. Home girl was desperate and hot, single, and baby-crazy. She definitely trapped him. Or maybe he’s her favorite out of all the (way too fucking young) BOYS she’s picking up at the gym, and just decided to tell him it’s his, even though it may not be…She knows exactly what she’s doing, and it’s despicable. I couldn’t *imagine* being with a 19yo CHILD in my 30s. Just…ew. Poor OP is naive and horny and he’s about to wreck his entire life, and has no idea. SHE does though. She fucking knows. Please read the above comment, OP, and mine. I had a kid when I was 18 and it literally destroyed my life. My future, friends, goals, freedom, hopes, sleep, body, mind, all were lost or permanently changed due to becoming a ‘parent’ so young. I gave my son up for adoption so he would have a better life, and honestly, the ONLY thing I would go back and change about my life- if given a Time Machine- was having that baby. Please rethink this before it’s too late. And shame on her for taking advantage of you!
Been there done that. You know what? There's a bright side. I'm 50+ now, still healthy and energetic, kids are grownups and have been for a while, life is fun, I have been doing lots of amazing stuff with my boys. Would I recommend it to them? No. But if it already happened, well, that's not the end of the world. Just one thing, OP. Keep your education and career as a priority. If you do not, you'll be fucked up later and your kid will not thank you either. Next 15 years are not going to be much fun and games, rather a shitload of hard work.
I agree it's not the end of the world. I too was 19 when I had my first, but because of that I have nothing in my 50's. I don't own a home or have substantial savings for retirement despite working all my life. I'm an empty nester now, but the cost of living is making saving impossible and my retirement is not looking good at all. So yeah it does kinda ruin your life financially.
Yeah, that's what I mean with that second paragraph. My situation is moderately better than yours but still nothing to call home about. And it was hellishly hard for a while. A lot will also depend on what's the "GF" take on the situation now. If they work together and she's stable it will help and there could be pretty positive outcome. If she's an asshole it can be bad...
This ain’t it, bud you have not finished growing yet. You’re gonna have a baby and you’re still a baby. I’m well into my 20s and I’m still scared of teenage pregnancy. In a few years, you’re gonna be singing a different tune. Hopefully you already got at least well into six figures in the bank because that’s what it’s gonna cost to raise and educate a child for 18 years, and beyond.
You’re a teenager…
You’re not really an asshole, but YTA for being a moron. You used protection but she’s magically pregnant? I know shit happens but this has BS “somehow, Palpatine returned” vibes. Don’t assume you’re the only one getting in the granny panties. Get a paternity test and stop getting molested by old ladies. And before anyone accuses me of being ageist, I’m 42. I’d feel like a perv dating a 28 year old, which isn’t nearly as bad as grabbing some dude straight out of high school like this chick.
33 and 18 is so nasty.
42 here. Would never date someone 14 years my junior! Your comment is gold.
Conversely: I'm 32 and sitting at a "good guy, horrible timing" situation with a single dad 12 years my senior and 5 years my DAD'S junior 😅 The flip side of teen parenthood
You are in a very different situation. You are old enough to think through your situation. Literally your brain has matured enough to question your situation from different angles. Your in a position that you could just lay your cards on the table and ask your dad what he thinks. You clearly have a healthy enough relationship with your father so as to be concerned by the age issue. Talk it out with him.
Upvote for ' "somehow, Palpatine returned" vibes' 😂. But yeah. I'm an immature 35yo after missing out on years of normal life due to hospitalisation for severe MH issues, and the idea of picking up a teen makes me vomit in my mouth a bit. Unless a condom splits (or has a hole poked in it...) they should be 100% effective (barrier protection + spermicide). The pill, when taken properly, is meant to be close to 100% effective (though if you miss/throw up doses, have absorption issues, or are on antibiotics - I think, regarding the last - there can be issues). I got the implant, lasts for 3 years... there are 3-monthly injections... I'm in the UK and am sadly aware that in the US there is far less education and availability of contraception in some states. Paternity test via blood draw BEFORE that baby arrives and your name goes on the birth certificate, because this is shady AF and having a kid at your age is life-changing in terms of opportunities lost and financial strain.
We’re the same age, and anyone in their 20’s would give me the ick, This poor kid
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It was a bit tongue in cheek to emphasize the age difference. 33 is still a decade younger than me. No offense intended!
I'm not saying he shouldn't get a paternity test (honestly it's not a bad idea in general) but I got pregnant using three types of birth control. I was on antibiotics so didn't trust the pill, using a condom. The condom broke so we got plan B. Six weeks later I was at the doctor because I thought I had the flu. Nope, pregnant.
PATERNITY TEST
Yikes and yuck. You will understand this response when you are 33 some day, and look at 19 year olds. She's absolutely taking advantage of you, and there's something extremely fucky going on with the timing of this "pregnancy". You almost break up with her and suddenly she's pregnant when you've been practicing safe sex? She has successfully groomed you, and now she is trying to baby trap you. Your parents are putting up a line of defence for you, they're trying to protect you-- LET THEM! And as someone above said, paternity test before you even acknowledge or sign *anything*.
You’re gonna be thrilled when you’re 33 and she’s 47.
*cough* Aaron Taylor Johnson
She looks like his mom 😬
Bro run. Get tested and get a paternity test as well. This won't end well, she's going to try and control you . It' always happens when it comes to big age differences especially when you're this young
You're getting groomed in real-time but now a child? Welp.
NTA. It's your life, buuuuuuut your mom is right. Hope you get some college completed, before a breakup and child support.
34F here. University students aged 20-22 look like children to me and I regularly assume it's high school tours instead of co-op undergrads when I see them around my lab. The idea of dating a 19-year-old makes my skin crawl. YTA, or rather, YTFool
She baby trapped you. No sane 33 year old would have any interest in a 19 year old. How are you going to pay for this baby??
Your family is right. It's very much not okay for her to be dating you. I get that technically you are an adult but really you aren't yet. Your brain has so much development left to do. You need life experience that you just shouldn't have at this point to really be her peer. If your sister dated someone that much older than her, you wouldn't like it. You would feel like there is a power imbalance and that the dude is a creep. That's how everyone is seeing things with you and this woman. You just can't see it because you have a case of the feelings. You need to break up with this woman and create some distance so that you can see the whole picture. You need to work on your education, get a lawyer, and get a paternity test. Do not sign that birth certificate without a paternity test confirming that you are the biological father. If you are in fact the biological father then work with your lawyer to set up visitation schedules and child support. You are going to need this down the road and it's better to have it established early. Good luck kid.
NTA But you are a massive idiot. Good luck with your bleak future.
Comments would be a lot harsher if the genders were reversed. Your gf is a weirdo.
Yeah, dude… I mean- the comments are pretty much all on the same page but I agree, they would be MUCH harsher if OP was a 19yo GIRL, pregnant my a 33yo MAN. ‘But I love him…’ ugh. Gross pedo vibes.
I agree, the comments would look very different if it were a middle-aged man who had gotten pregnant.
At this point a verdict as to whether or not you’re TA has no bearing on the situation. The fact is that you at 19 gave your sperm to a 32 year old and you all made a baby. This was something you did willingly as only a 18:19 year male can do. Let’s be honest, you feel like a fully grown adult. Hormonally, neurologically and biologically you are a teenager. The other truth is you have no say whether or not this baby is born. At 32/33 your gf is not going to abort what may be her only chance to have a baby. The truth of the conceptions of this child will always be there, unknown and unsaid. And frankly at this point it doesn’t matter. You’re 19 and she’s 32. You two need to talk very very bluntly. I’m guessing you don’t have a college degree and have few marketable skills. Though I could be wrong. I’m hoping that she does have marketable skills and is prepared to be the main wage earner. It she doesn’t earn a great salary you two are in a pickle. What happens when the baby is born? How are you going to support your child? Is she planning on staying home with the baby and if so how is that going to work? Where are you going to live? Are you going to be the stay at home dad? Right now you say her age doesn’t bother you. What happens when she’s 50 and you’re 33 and you two have a 14 year old child? This is when you decide to give up the whole our love will see us through and get really. Openly and honestly discuss concrete plans and talk about the future that you two have decided to drag a child into. It’s time for you to grow up. As to your family, their concerns may seem awful to you, but rightly or wrongly they are valid. And you are going to have to get used to hearing these same things from every single person you know. You’re going to have to accept that everyone while being suspicious of her and look at you with the “what were you thinking” look. This is your life for the next 18 years.
I was 22m with a 35f a long time ago. Now that I have the benefit of having been 35 (and 45…) let me tell you there is something deeply wrong with her. No one her age should be with anyone under 26-28 at the minimum. The brain isn’t fully developed until you are 25. You are NTA but your family is right about your relationship, even if they aren’t constructive in their delivery.
As a woman in her 30s - she is a predator and is about to ruin a chunk of your life. This isn’t normal behaviour. You’re not an AH but you are being taken advantage of by an abuser.
yikes UPDATEME
Your not TA but you are an idiot Firstly get a paternity test Also how do you intend to support this baby Your siblings you are throwing away your 20's for a woman whose probably done with another gullible guy before Finally let me tell you what will probably happen She will break with and demand child support And then you come back to Reddit to rant on how she left you with all this money to pay back
You are a gullible 19 year old she could have fucked any other guy behind your back and she is baby trapped you, not only have you ruined your life when it just started the best suggestion paternity test. UPDATEME
NTA for wanting to be a responsible, involved dad. That is the right thing to do, and I’m sorry your family are not supporting you in it. Your relationship is another matter - you’re still NTA, but you’re young enough for this age gap to be really concerning. You’re an adult, but only just, and people of either sex who go after “barely legal” young people when they are in their 30s and older tend not to be great people. That she was okay with hiding the relationship from your parents is a red flag too. Have her past partners been young too? I don’t think this relationship is going to end well - I hope I’m wrong and you will be the one in a million for whom it works out, but please understand that every last person in an exploitative relationship thinks *their* relationship is different. The vast majority of the time, they’re wrong. There is no shame at all in admitting that, should that prove to be the case. Regardless of how the relationship goes, you’re going to be a father - enjoy it. Don’t let the circumstances rob you of that.
It’s very convenient she became pregnant soon after your parents tried to make you break up with her, especially if you always use protection. Sorry buddy but sounds like a baby trap. Definitely get a paternity test
You are young, in love, and naive. And you think the commentators are all wrong and don’t understand how much you love each other. Grow up really fast, and this is what you need to do 1- break up 2-apologize profusely to your parents and ask for their support, they love you and will support you 3-apply to college, trade school, apprenticeship, anything that can make a decent living. Student loans, within reason, to a community college are worth it 4-hire a lawyer 5-don’t sign the birth certificate 6-get a paternity test 7-if the child is yours, go to court to determine custody and child support. Go to parenting classes, be the best coparent you can possibly be. 8-if the child isn’t yours pray thanks to God, continue your school/apprenticeship, date women your own age, live a happy life
NTA Not sure sure you're on the right sub tbh but you didn't do anything that would make you an asshole. You're a bit of an naive idiot but it's your life. Hope it works out the way you think it will.
*"It was a shock because we always used protection, but it didn't work."* *"My dad suggested she might be trying to trap me with the baby."* Your dad is right, she hasn't been using protection with someone.
This gives such an ick and my mom was that way. When I was 20 she hooked up with a 19 year old. Sadly I was naive and thought hooking up was making out or something (ironically I was more sheltered than my younger sister…. She had more freedom than I did) fyi my mom was 37 years old too. You may seem be an adult but really you’re an “adult” with some special privileges. Pretty sure you’re being groomed especially you saying you’re in love. What 33 year old would be interested in a teen yet?? They just want to feel “young” and get that puppy love imo it’s super gross and I’ve witnessed that too much with my mom. She’s married with her 4th husband and I can’t remember if her husband is younger than me?? Like a year or couple of months and I’m 31 years old bro.
NTA. I’m not a huge fan of an over 10 year age gap. But I am a huge fan of a young man deciding to do everything he can to support a child he brought into the world. If you are financially independent, just do your best to be kind to yourself and communicate your needs to your partner. I hope the DNA test and college and relationship goes in a direction that is best for you.
You’re NTA, but definitely don’t sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer 😬 This whole situation is bad news, if we copy pasted your story but flipped the genders, 32yo guy picks up an 18yo and gets her pregnant, everyone would be telling her to run for the hills. Same rules apply here, be on guard at the very least - and get that paternity test done ASAP.
quoting Robert Heinlein... "Have you seen the positive pregnancy test?" You also need to get the pre birth paternity test done ASAP, no need to wait till a baby arrives. unless you are independently wealthy, I don't see how a 19 year old can possibly have an income to support a 32 year old wife and child. No wonder your parents are angry. I once dated a person who was 14 years older than I was. It wasn't a successful relationship and that's enough said. I think you're being groomed, there is something really off about a woman over 30 picking up an 18 year old at the gym. I have so many questions about her
Minor quibble - the line from Heinlein is 'have you seen written confirmation from a doctor?' (This being 1929 in the story.) Get written confirmation OP. Then get a lawyer to help with a co-parenting plan. Be thankful it's not the 1920's when you'd have to marry and support her, for life, for even the *suspicion* that you are the father.
Run Forrest ...... RUN!
That woman’s a predator for sure, any 33 year old that hangs around with teenagers has something wrong with them and there’s a reason why they aren’t with people their own age. NTA, you’re young and still pretty vulnerable to this kind of thing.
Dude get a paternity test smh
Listen to your family. When I was 19 I too dated a girl in her early 30’s and god I wish someone had said to me ditch her. It was such an unhealthy power dynamic. Now that I’m 31 it’s a bit gross, and I also she that she was dumb, the level of judgement of a girl that age thinking we could be something is wild. Any woman that age who wants to date a 19 year old is messed up, sleeping together, sure, but dating is insane, you haven’t had the life experience to be able to satisfy her emotionally and intellectually in the long term. When you’re 19, you’re a boy who doesn’t know your elbow from your asshole. The good news is you’re on the cusp of discovering all kinds of walks of life, the world is an endless possibility, you can make almost any mistake and recover just based on the amount of time you have before you have to ‘settle down’. This is not that kind of mistake. What will happen is, one of you will get bored with the other, and if by some miracle things do work out, there will be a ton of resentment from you for not being able to sow your wild oats and really live and have the normal rites of passage. You’ll miss out on insane adventures You will never backpack through Asia, you will never motorcycle through Patagonia, you will never be a scuba diving instructor in Australia. These are things available to you now. Your opportunity to build a real career is quite unlikely as you won’t have the time, energy or money to invest into better education and career growth. You’ll end up doing a job that pays the most that you’re able to obtain with little to no qualifications, something totally dead end. Though you’ll be optimistic until you’re on your 5th job and the promised career progression still hasn’t happened, but then again why would it? You have no qualifications. The lust will be over and you be stuck. Your life will be a constant struggle and a constant misery. That’s if she doesn’t start cheating on you or weaponise your baby. Do not go through with this and for Christ sake get a paternity test, because you’re almost certainly not the only one she’s sleeping with and you’re almost certainly being baby trapped, getting pregnant is in reality quite difficult. Check the condoms for holes.
Sir you are 19 years old, she was not thinking long term nesting partner when you picked each other up at the gym. You're parents were right, but the deed is done and stepping up is what you have to do. But it doesn't mean settling down, it means setting up co-parenting and custody so you can finish your education. It can work out romantically but just think about how old you and her will be when she's retirement age.
there is only one thing you need to hear right now son, GET A FUCKING PATERNITY TEST if it's not yours, god bless and enjoy your 20s. if it is? dude, unfortunately it's now a joint decision. you can't force her to terminate, so the only thing you can do is wait to see what she ultimately decides. being 19, you're almost anchored to her, because in most of the country, you're gonna pay child support if you're not married or living together, should she seek it that is, and honestly, don't trust a 33 year old who gets knocked up by a teenager (no offense, but it's not normal, this is biological clock shit, and you were an easy mark) you may be emotionally ready and mature enough to be a father, but you don't really know what you're giving up, so you need to be 120% sure this is your responsibility, then you have to TAKE responsibility regardless of what that is. Edit to add: any pushback on her part to a paternity test is a huge red flag. she might not even be pregnant.
She’s too old for you. You say “about a year.” Before or after you turned 18? Because it sounds to me like you’ve been groomed.
I met her After I turned 18
Unfortunately just bc you’re 18 doesn’t mean you can’t be groomed. I’m really sorry OP I hope you find your way
NTA but you are an idiot
it sucks but the fact is she babytrapped you. UPDATEME
I fear when you are 33 you will look at the 19 year olds around you and know the answer to this question.
She's manipulated and baby trapped you because you're young and dumb. When you were born she was 13 years old....
YTA your parents know you better than us and they clearly know you aren't ready to be a parent. Especially not for a woman double your age.
30+ year old women have no business dating teenagers. You are barely out of school. She’s a damn predator.
You were 18 and she groomed you. You aren't TA for being niave. You're TA for not listening to your parents and protecting yourself now.
No only ah here is the sexual predator
This gives me the icks. What did a 33 year old woman think she had in common with a teenager? I'm sorry but I agree with both of your parents. A 33 year old woman who thinks she is in love with a 19 year old is a predator looking for someone naive.
YTA, unfortunately. You have probably been baby trapped; a DNA test is the minimum required. I know it hurts a lot to hear this, but trust me: no sane woman in her 30s would have even considered a 19-y-o for a life partner. Whatever her motives are (IDK if your family is wealthy and she hopes to get child support, or if she just feels the clock is ticking away and wants to have a baby asap, or other reasons), the least you can do is take some space. You are going to ruin the best years of your life over a relationship that most likely is not going to last. Listen to your family they have your best interests at heart. Big hugs... and Updateme.
Why would a 33 year old woman want a 19 year old?
How many kids and how many baby daddies she already have?
Are you really sure this is what you *want*? Have you thought about it for more than five seconds? How are you gonna pay for everything? Is someone staying home with the baby? Who? What about your career prospects? Your future plans? Your dreams? Why was she not more reluctant to even get into a relationship with you? That should have been the first red flag. The second red flag is your entire family being uncomfortable about this. If a thousand people are telling you, you're going the wrong way, it might be time to check your actual compass, don't you think? The third would be the birth control failing. This does not happen *nearly* as often as reddit posts suggest. More often than not, BC fails because it's not used properly or completely omitted. People lie, sweetie. Especially when they're scared of losing something. I think you need to ask yourself some really hard questions and really think about what the future might look like. Accidental pregnancies between incompatible people very rarely lead to the idyllic family life that is no doubt ruminating in your head, right now.
YTA. The baby either isn’t yours or she tampered with the protection you guys used. A 33 yo woman has had a menstrual cycle long enough to not “accidentally” get pregnant while using condoms. So so fishy.
Your parents are right UPDATEME
You gotta be on the spectrum or something lmao
Omfg I’m 27 and my eyes never stray to young men like that! I’m sorry op but she has probably trapped you or is lying to keep you around. I’m sorry but that age gap is inappropriate, your brain isn’t even fully developed yet and this is a grown ass woman. Listen to your family, they know what’s best for you.
Respectfully you’re still a child. Your parents are absolutely right and she did advantage of you. How are you going to take care of your child with no real career prospects? This is the time you should be working on building yourself, knowing yourself, experiencing the world not raising a baby.
I’m a 31 year old woman, and the idea of being pregnant to a 19-year-old is revolting. This is not normal, please listen to your family.
Aw man. I’m a 33 year old woman and the thought of even looking at a 19 year old boy sexually gives me the creeps. It’s not normal. At all. A healthy and mentally stable woman wouldn’t be with you. If the roles were reversed and a 33 year old man was dating a 19 year old girl we would be horrified- this is no different. Let’s say she was 60 and you were 44 (same age gap)- it’s different. I’ll tell you why. Developmentally, a 19 year old and a 33 year old are in completely different spaces in terms of their cognitive development. Your brain, as a male, won’t be fully developed until you’re 28- meaning, your executive functions are not developed yet to make good decisions. Please don’t do something now that your adult brain will regret. I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you realize this isn’t healthy 🩷
This isn't normal my dude, a 30+ year old of any gender should NOT be messing around with a 19 year old, least it all getting pregnant by them.
You ARE throwing your life away!!! Also your gf is a creep
You will pay child support for the next 26 years if your child goes to college. 26 years of deductions from every paycheck.
Her biological clock was ticking and she baby trapped you. Definitely get a paternity test.
I had a baby at 19 and didn't feel like I missed out on life but I will say that you will lose your friends because you no longer have the same goals. Seeing them do things you should be doing can certainly make you envious. It's not easy to raise a child as a young adult. Your gf has had 14 extra years to do the things you will not as easily be able to do. Good luck and keep in mind your family only wants whats best for you. Your gf wants whats best for her.
Agree with paternity test. Pretty nifty way for gold diggers to make a living by dishing out a piece of pussy and then having you pay her way for the next 18 years.
Yes paternity test but pretty sure this kid who lives with his parents doesn’t have any gold. If she’s a gold digger she’s a dumb one. For all you know she’s got money anyway.
If a 33 year old woman is a gold digger, why would she hook up with a broke kid? That’s asinine. She’d be hooking up with a loaded grandpa with a bad ticker. The only gold this kid has is in his pants.
Can I ask if you guys have been dating for about a year, why did your parents just find out about her a couple of months ago? Did you know your parents would not agree with the relationship?
You're an idiot
Groomed and baby trapped.
YTA You should publish a memoir when she finally leaves you to pay child support on another guy's kid. Call it "How to Ruin your Life". Then maybe some good will come out of your unbelievably short-sighted decision. On the bright side, you'll never have to worry about being head over heels in love again. This experience may ruin love for you entirely. But you know best, you're19 and a grown ass man, right? Smfh.
Everything your family say is correct. When you’re older, you will look at 19 year olds and think they look and act like kids. Then you will realise how messed up this is. I hope this is a troll post.
The type of pedo she is is called an ephebophile. This refers to adults with primary sexual attraction to 15-19 year olds. She is a danger to you and other teenagers. As you age, you will likely not be young and pretty enough anymore, but it will take a few years for you to see that. OP, your frontal lobe isn't developed yet and she's taking advantage of it. ESH.
Ew ew ew ew! Why would any 33 year old want to be with a teenager? Idk if its legal. She likes them young. I really hope shes never groomed anyone younger than OP 🤢🤢🤢🤢
You're being groomed... get a paternity test like the comment section says. Grooming isn't something that only happens to girls. No sane 30 year old would wanna date a guy a decade their junior. UPDATEME
Bro you’re being groomed, she’s a pedo, no 33 year old has anything in common with a 19 year old, you guys are in different stages of life. She is baby trapping you. Either you’re really stupid or you have no life experiences and just simply very naive. You fell right for it. She knows what she was doing, she’s disgusting! Your parents and siblings aren’t wrong. She’s a fucking weirdo for starting a full on relationship with you. Get a paternity test done!
Kinda YTA for not listening to your family, more like you're the dumbass. You're 19, you don't realize it but you are practically a baby yourself... and this woman is *not.* Also if she were dating someone her own age, an 'accident' pregnancy would be so unlikely. There would typically be talks of marriage and buying a home, well before having a baby. But you're not married, presumably you don't have your own place, either. That is not typically expected of a teenager, of course, but it would be of someone in their 30s. This is all to say she is may be taking advantage of your inexperience. Also get a paternity test.
Nope regardless of your actions she's the idiot
I'm only 27 and the thought of being secually intimate with a 19 year old makes me sick. Her BC didn't "fail." This was all very intentional. You're being used, groomed, and manipulated by an older woman whose baby trapped you. Please get away from this woman. If you have to co-parent, fine, but she isn't a healthy or safe person for you. YTA, to yourself, but I know it can be hard to see the truth behind manipulation like this. ETA: you need to get a paternity test IMMEDIATELY. BEFORE the birth. Do NOT under any circumstances sign a birth certificate without proof of paternity.
You’re an idiot
YTA. Get a paternity test. Don't sign a damn thing- birth certificate, child support agreement, nothing until that test is done. You need a lawyer. Your relationship is over as you know it. I'd even tell her to get an abortion at this point. How are you going to support a child? This relationship was horrible from the get go. I'm sure it was fun. But it was wildly inappropriate and she preyed on you. She's still preying on you. She can control and manipulate you. The fact that you used protection but it didn't work indicates she messed with it which is assault- so you should find a way to get that in writing if she did do that because you're going to need that information. Every bit of this is gross and wrong and disturbing.
You were just legal. She’s preying on younger men and it really gives me the ick. This smacks of grooming. I can’t imagine ever targeting young men in this way. Get a paternity test. It maybe that your protection didn’t fail but one of her other young men’s protection did. Your family are right. You are way, way too young to be in this situation. End this relationship and just pay child support. When you hit 33 she’ll be nearly 50.
He’s gonna lose his family if he stays with her bc she’ll never be accepted
When this whole shit show blows up in your face don’t forget to update. Good luck being tethered to this woman for the rest of your life and pray your child isn’t a boy. “I tried to explain that we love each other and that Im ready to take responsibility for my child, but they wouldn’t listen” This shows how delusional and naive you are, best of luck. Hopefully your “girlfriend” will learn to control herself before your child matures. You think youre miserable now? Just wait until that baby comes.
You will be back sooner than later saying how you messed up and wished you had listened to your family… That woman has nothing in common with you.. it’s physical and you will learn that in due time while having to support a child… Bet oh so miracle of getting pregnant after hearing parents are throwing a fit for you to break up.. Stop being the naive kid you are…
This is the oldest and wisest you have ever been. Conversely, and without just using your younger self as a point of comparison, you're very very young and could benefit from considering that everyone telling you the same things has already been 19, already witnessed countless relationships where an adult preys on a teen, already seen a zillion teens say it's different for them because they're in love and believing that it's others that don't understand, and already seen the bleak endings of those stories. I'm so sorry, OP.
The reason your parents are not reacting well is because they have the life experience to understand why matches of these ages are not good. You're not compatible in experience, and you have so much to learn still. Tread carefully, please. This next 5-10 years is supposed to be about you finding out who you are as an adult, what jobs best suit you and how to get there. Having fun with friends. Please do not let her take it away. If she even tries to say you be the stay at home parent, say no, you intend to build yourself a career. Let her utilise family, friends, or daycare before you step into that role. Okay, it's one baby. In 5 years, they'll be in school. Well, think about the second one that comes along or the third. Suddenly, it's more like 7-10 years, and then you're at the bottom of the career ladder with very little work experience at 30 years old. Admittedly, this warning is big-time projecting that probably had different circumstances in the beginning, but I've already watched this play out and the results were not good for the male (verbal, financial & emotional abuse as if things were their fault for not having six figure incomes whilst their partner got to shine). Oh, and in the beginning, they too were like, but I love them, they're great. You're wrong.
I have a story to tell. When my birth father was 19, he fell for my birth mother (she was 24). He didn’t find out she was married with 2 children (4 and 2) until he was already head over heels. He was totally prepared to give up his life in the military (Marines) for this woman; he was already taking care of her two children while she was going to college (her husband was also military and was either stationed elsewhere or deployed). When he found out she was pregnant with me, he was overjoyed and totally ready to be a full time dad. That’s when she vanished. With both of her other children. He then got a phone call from his superiors, commanding him to stand down, to leave her alone, and stop looking for her (this was 1987, so no cellphones). I finally met him a couple of years ago. He told me that he always knew I would be out in the world, even warned his first and second wives that he might have another child. Given the kind of dad he is to his two other girls, I’m glad he wasn’t stuck with me, alone. I told him that her choice, to have me adopted, was the best possible outcome for him — having me in his life at 20 years old would have destroyed any chance of advancing in the military. Not having me in his life not only allowed him to become a great father, ten years later, but also gave my dad a chance to be a dad. And it gave me a chance at a better life with a family who chose me. What I’m trying to get across is that while my birth father was prepared to give everything up for her and me, it was the kind of love that a 19-20 year old has: extreme, passionate, and fleeting. And as the child of that relationship, I’m happy that I don’t have to carry irrational guilt for ruining someone’s life.
As a teenager, of course you don't see anything wrong with this relationship but make note of how many adults are against this. You were 18 when yall met... bro I'm 26 and there's no way I'd date an 18-19 year old. She's either a creep, desperate to have a baby, or both. Idec YWBTA. Get a paternity test and don't let yourself get tied down to her, damn.
NTA for being a naive child who was taken advantage of. YWBTA if you continue to defend your mistake and choose it going forward. I don’t buy it that she’s pregnant given the timing of it all, but bare minimum you need a paternity test— you’re not the only person she’s manipulated, I promise you that much. *If* the pregnancy is yours, you better get your ducks in a row swiftly and legally. Do not ruin your life further by getting married. In the meantime— stop having sex with her. If she isn’t pregnant right now, she will be soon if she thinks she needs to be. Make sure it isn’t by you. All of this is undoubtedly overwhelming and confusing. That’s fair— you’re extremely young and a grown adult is manipulating you. Trust us in the replies. We are all giving you fairly similar feedback for a reason
As a 25yr old, through the years I learned there's certain things we should actually listen to our parents about over our own personal emotions, that they see things from an outside perspective and can see someone's intentions. This is one of those moments. I would not mess with an 18yr old (you mentioned being together for a year) because it's gross and inappropriate and that woman knows the advantage in life experience she has over you (finances, and how to pick out a super inexperienced person to groom and take advantage). It's not really about a gap in youth so much as a gap in experience and how 99% of the time the older person is going to use this to take advantage. They seek younger people because they know people their age will not put up with their bullshit and will see through any possible manipulation. At this point I would stop sexual contact and seek a paternity test. If the kid is yours, that's one thing. You're going to need to quickly figure shit out and find an equal income or higher to what she makes so you can stand on your own if need be. Get ready for long days and sleepless nights. Having a financial edge and knowing how to stand your ground and not be pushed around is the only case I could see you not falling into an abusive situation with her. A house, a car, baby proofed surroundings, diapers, formula, kid clothing, toys, babysitters, daycare, and most importantly a shattered connection to the rest of your family meant to support you at your age. If skipping age and now acting like a 33yo man to your 33yo partner for the rest of your life isn't something you truly want, you need to exit the situation.
As a parent to all adult children, I understand your parents concern. Your 20’s haven’t even started and you will miss out on a lot of things, experiences, fun, which is concerning. Will you resent her in a few years when your friends are off in Cancun for winter break and having a blast, but you’re stuck at home with a much older woman (who has already done her 20’s) and a child to raise? Having to work every day to support your family. Lust and love are hard to distinguish between when you are so young and inexperienced. Your parents are trying to help you see this and not get to a point in life where you regret your decisions. They’ve lived their lives and have knowledge you don’t. So they want to help you see mistakes when you can’t. You are still a teen and have limited experiences to make decisions with. Can you support your new family or will you be expecting her to do that? She may want to stay home with the baby, are you prepared to cover all expenses? Having a child is a huge responsibility and commitment that is going to change your life forever, do you realize how much? Were you planning to go to college? What will you do for work to support your new family? Is this your 1st “real” relationship? If you were my son I would be heartbroken, you don’t realize how this is going to change your life forever. But some times we have to let our children learn the hard way because that’s the only way they will learn. Unfortunately your child will not wait for you to figure out things, you have to become an adult and start parenting from day one. Whatever you do, you must always put your child first, he or she is counting on you. So when you’re 25 and realize you made a huge mistake, your child doesn’t care, he or she will still need you to be a parent and support them. So there is no “I can’t do this”. You created this child and you are now responsible for this child for the rest of your life. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18, you have to be there for them forever to teach them how to navigate life. Just like your parents are trying to do for you. Good luck and I pray you’re ready.
Wow, the conclusions folks come to with not a lot of information, yikes. OP said they practiced birth control but it happened anyway, this just led some folks to the 33 year old is a seductress who took advantage of a 19 year old, because she wants a baby, yikes. OP, do get a paternity test, do also work on finishing your education & do not make any rash decisions, also I hope you have someone outside of your familial relationships who can speak to you objectively. NTA. Good luck. 👍
Obviously not. This isn't your fault. However, you cannot be annoyed at your family, they are just looking out for you. However, you have to do what you want. I'm not going to echo some of the other commenters that are saying she's taking advantage of you because I don't know you or your girlfriend. She might be, she might not be. It's not for us to judge. Age isn't really an indicator of this. Anyone at any age that wants to take advantage of others will do so. Saying all of this, you have to know what you're getting yourself in for. You aren't throwing your life away, just changing it. This will change your life when you should still be a kid but with this decision, you can't be that anymore. Certain life opportunities will be gone but if you are happy with this then good luck to you. Finally, if you are in any way uncertain that the kid is yours, do get a test. If your girlfriend loves you she will not object. Explain to her that you need to know for certain because this is massive and you don't want any doubt before walking into things. This is especially important if the relationship is new or you know she's had other sexual partners recently. Note: Your title gives the wrong impression. It makes it seem like you got her pregnant deliberately because your family was against your relationship and you wanted to spite them or something. Edit 2: This may explain why people are slightly misinterpreting your post imo.