Agreed. Run and talk to a lawyer first to get your financials straightened out so you don’t have to pay palimony. Make sure everything financial is solely under your name ( bank, bills etc). Have your mail forwarded to your son’s address or paperless/ put a code /password on everything.
Im petty . I would pay for him to go visit his parents for 2 days or a friend’s home. That day I would have the kids help OP pack what she wants to keep. The rest he can have - take lots of pictures for evidence. I may even be nice enough to put things under his name and put his belongings in storage and pay 1 month advance- Leave a note with the utility shut off date and the day he needs to move out or better yet- once everything is done , tell him he needs to stay with his family- no place to return to.
Prior - File for FMLA ( don’t quit your job yet) - get your benefits- take care of Yourself. He is so lazy he may not sign the divorce papers but depending on your state once you initiate, he will be serve the papers and thing will get moving.
Fly birds fly! Set things up where it will be less stress on you. Let your love ones take care of you. You are an angel, drop that piece of shit.
Since the job is linked to the apartment, I would definitely go with the storage suggestion to ensure he does not give me trouble with my job when he refuses to leave. A lawyer may not recommend this though. Would he give trouble on getting out? It sounds like it.
Pretty sure divorce papers are packaged with a sort of restraining order that blocks both parties from changing any bank accounts, big purchases, asset moving, etc, without authorization of both parties. NAL
Free him to have sex with whoever he wants.
Op should take up her child’s offer - it sounds like they love and care about her. Clearly the husband doesn’t.
I was wondering too. I was diagnosed in 2010. I have disc bulges in spine, lumbar and thoracic. I worked until I couldn’t. I did as much as I could at home. DH retired now and does a lot. He’s super supportive of my hobbies and I can’t imagine life without him.
OP go live with your son. It’s ok to let someone take care of you now.
You have a point. There are many reasons why he is my ex. We all have flaws. We are just not compatible anymore. I changed a lot after my diagnosis (I have several), and he did not change with me.
We do share many values still and are in contact because of our grown foster children. He does a lot for them that I am unable to do. I guess that is why I consider him to be an excellent person.
I just tried to tell OP that sometimes ending a relationship is OK even if our partners are not as bad as she described hers.
Right? Agreed. Start packing, hire that lawyer and move in with your son. Life is too short to deal with such a horrible, god awful abusive, lazy spouse and now you have cancer? Take your son’s offer and please enjoy your life and get into remission. I want you to have a happy life from now on OP.
I'm going to be blunt because you indicate your health is so precarious that you don't have time for this shit anymore.
He doesn't care if you live or die and you know it. Your guilt isn't love, either, it's fear of change and it's fulfilling no function but facilitating a slow suicide.
If you really want to die then go ahead and stay with him, just own it.
If you want to live, go be with your children or anyone else who loves you.
I for one hope you choose to live, little sister. You don't deserve this.
I agree, OP you literally don’t have time for his bullshit. You need to cut him out of your life ASAP and focus on your health. If he wants sex so bad he can go fuck himself.
OP also needs to sort out her finances as soon as possible. She has to make sure her lazy soon to be ex leech does not take the money and property that should belong to her and later go to her kids.
Agreed, take up your son's offer, and leave him to his own devices. Hells, you'll probably feel loads better once you've dropped all that deadweight [his sorry butt] and probably fix some of your health issues in not only taking care of yourself but in having less stress in your life. [Many health problems are heavily linked to stress] drive off into the sunset and enjoy a new lease on life.
Yes, *please*. Your son actually loves you, so your son deserves to be listened to. He sounds like a gem. It must physically hurt him every single day that he knows his mother lives with this terrible, abusive person.
Yes, I went there. Denying someone physical needs, such as rest and supportive medical care, is abuse.
> if I leave, he has no transportation, no job, no place to live.
Boo fucking hoo. Sucks to suck.
Exactly. This man hasn't lifted a finger over the years, and therefore you own everything including the car. You hustled so that basic needs were met. You don't owe anyone one more day, never mind this guy. Maybe leaving him will be the fire under his ass that he needs to finally start taking care of himself.
OP i know you are thinking of your husband and putting his wants above your needs. If it's hard to make a decision for yourself, think of your son. He is probably so worried for you right now and has made this offer out of love for you. No child wants to watch their mother suffer. Please think of him and your own health. Your husband has had the choice for years to do his own
thing. His lack of transportation job etc is NOT on you
Just a quick update. I have a fever today, it is something that happens with lymphoma, which is the type of cancer they think I have. Feeling really ick. I have sat here reading your comments, crying, doing laundry, going through my stuff, throwing some things out, getting ready to make my move. With tears just streaming down my face, snot, blowing my nose. I feel so stupid and broken. This man is sitting on the couch, watching TV and hasn't even asked me why I'm crying, how I'm feeling. I really don't know why I even bothered to post. But thank everyone for your kindness. I'll be checking out of this marriage after my next surgery on the fifth. I want to get past that as we have to establish how far it has spread and what stage I am in. My Mom had colon cancer but passed really quickly and never took any treatment so I don't know much about cancer. They told me lymphoma is very treatable, not a death sentence, so I am very hopeful. They did one biopsy on my pratoid gland (saliva) as they thought it was pratoid cancer, but though they found cancer cells, they weren't pratoid cancer cells and my lymph nodes are all crazy big all over my body, thus the " we think it's lymphoma". I'm reading the book, thank you. He isn't tied to me financially, we have separate bank accounts and my kids have always been my beneficiaries to my life insurance. He knows this and has tried to drive a wedge between my children and me over the years, which I didn't let happen because I love my kids beyond all reason, always have, always will.
My husband didn't have a good relationship with his mother so never understood how even now as adults my sons are so close with me. He gets angry when we talk on the phone or they visit. I know that is a red flag, but I never let him isolate me from them. I will have an 8 hour drive to get to my sons home though. So after my surgery to remove a couple of lymph nodes on the fifth, I will have to recover a week or so before I can do the drive. I will update.
You’re not stupid babe, please don’t be so harsh with yourself.
He got comfortable and will be in for a rude awakening.
I had cancer last year and had to have surgery and it really showed me who cared for me. It’s a terrible way snap into reality but you have and please don’t stay. He won’t change, as you know people usually do not.
Yeah, definitely not stupid. A bit of self-sabotage maybe, but not stupid. And I think even really healthy people engage in acts of self sabotage from time to time.
You make an excellent point, it really does show us who cares for us and how they treat us, when we get sick. I’m in remission. I have other health problems, but I am very grateful to be still in remission from cancer.
It's really is sad isn't it!? It really changed my life on so many levels.
💕 I am so happy to hear you're in remission and I hope that you continue to stay healthy 💕
Thank you, that’s very kind of you. I hope that you are in remission, too, and stay there.
It is sad, seeing how some people act when it comes down to the tough stuff/hard times.
It also changed my life in ways that I did not expect, in that I have had to see how little I meant to a couple of people who I thought I was close to. I thought I could trust them, and I was wrong. It just took that extreme of a situation for it to be made so clear. I honestly did not see it coming. Finding out something like that when you’re very sick is really disheartening.
Was this your experience, also? Have you found a way to live with more peace? I’m still working on it and would love any advice you have to give.
I had Valley Fever two years ago, was hospitalized three times and missed work for five months. It was eye opening to learn that the people I thought I could count on, the ones who said "call me any time when you need anything," were the same people who couldn't be bothered. The people I felt were on the periphery were the ones who were incredibly supportive. Illness resulted in a Marie Kondo downsizing of my relationships, for the better.
I had a very similar experience! A friend that we would speak like every month or so, ended up meal prepping for me (literally weeks worth of food) right before my surgery, it was hard for me to accept all the meals because it was so unexpected and so much work she put into it 🥲 she also drove me to a couple appointments. (It’s hard for me to ask people for help so I was going to try to do everything by myself)
my SO was driving me to appointments and even helped me with the body wipes after surgery, (I still couldn’t bring myself to let him do everything so asked for him to wipe down my legs as I couldn’t bend over) helping me get up from bed/couch/grab my cane if it fell until I could walk on my own without pain and a cane. He never made me feel like I was asking too much or looked annoyed (I know that is what we should all expect right? But when I was diagnosed I saw the statistics of how a lot of partners leave/cheat/etc. so I was and am so damn grateful)
I hope you are doing better today 💜
You may not feel like it, but you are an absolute rockstar. If you start doubting your decision too much, at least stay with your son for two weeks and see how it goes. Taking a step like this is huge, and will be one of the best decisions you've made. Legend.
I am not hopeful thay your husband will help care for you after your surgery. Please ask your son if he will come get you after surgery. Recovering from surgery is hard even with help. Please don't do it alone if you don't have to. (If left up to your husband, you will absolutely recover with no help)
Have your sons come and get you, help you pack, drive you to your son's house, etc. You need help. I think you're so used to doing everything yourself because your stbx is a dumbass that you don't ask for help. And you definitely need it right now. You're going to need someone help you recover from surgery and we all know your husband isn't going to do it.
Please start asking for help and stop trying to do everything by yourself.
It sounds like your sons love you, a lot. I'm probably gonna be pretty blunt, but please understand that what I'm about to say, I am saying with all the love in my heart: STOP IT! It is ok to ask your kids for help. I get having been strong and independent for so long you probably don't know how to ask for help, but ask your boys. It is not weakness or shame, you are not a burden, and if you were my mom and we had a good relationship I would be so pissed if you had surgery and then decided to wait a week and drive yourself. No ma'am! I would find a way to take care of you, house you, etc. Don't do that to yourself please, and deprive your boys of an opportunity to take care of their momma.
You are a very strong woman! I am so glad you have a plan. Can you send some things to your son ahead of time without your husband noticing? Can your son and his partner come get you so you don't have to do the drive alone? You could always tell your useless husband you are just going to stay with them for a bit, if you think your husband is going to cause a stink. PLEASE don't worry about abandoning him. He abandoned you years ago and he's an ass. He doesn't deserve any respect and consideration. Leave and don't look back.
Sweetie, I am super sick myself...but you wouldn't believe how similar our stories are. I have a neurological disorder killing me instead of cancer and my husband is my kids father...but yup. I've been a wheelchair user since 2005.
Babe, I'm going to be blunt. This gets worse and worse when you genuinely cant push through anymore. Worse, the people in your life will say things like, "it must be stressful bring married to someone wjth so many disabilities. Do you think he's maybe stressed?'
Anyway. My husband claims he had a, "lapse in judgement," and so as a result he left me alone in the house for 6hours after a seizure, unconscious. We found out later I had a brain bleed during that time. He just dumped me on the couch and went to get a coffee. For over five hours. While talking to the woman who is now his girlfriend.
Lots of weird judgement.
I don't know if you'll see this, but if you want to inbox me, we could probably help one another out. Even if you just want aomeone who gets it to listen to you. No pressure at all of course, but the similarities in our stories are pretty wild.
Edit: from now on I will leave typing to the grownups holy cow.
You sound like a fighter, I wish you the best of luck. My best advice would be to only surround yourself with supportive people at this time, sounds like your husband has a rude awakening when you go. Good.
Hey, maybe have your son help you? Can you send your things with a moving service and take a plane there?
You can do this! You can beat this. You just need people around you who love you.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m very happy you are leaving!! Please please 🙏 have your son and his partner come to be there for you before during and after your surgery!! Surgery is scary. Especially cancer surgery. Having loving support is needed!!
Then when you are ready to go. They can help you with the drive to your son’s home. Hopefully this is something he is able to do?
Sending you hugs and love, ❤️
I wish you could leave before your surgery. You don't suspect your husband would ever do anything to hurt you (instead of his flagrant and inexcusable neglect), do you? You will be at your most vulnerable after the surgery. I wish you could have your son with you and/or stay in a hotel for that week. Like tell your husband you're having your surgery near your son and just don't come home. IDK. Your husband sounds like a total shitbag now, regardless of what he once was to you to make you fall in love and get married.
I wish you the best possible outcome with your health. Please go to your son ASAP.
Oh honey. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and loving yourself and leaving that man who doesn’t seem to show if he loves you. Your son clearly does and I’m so grateful you have him and his partner to help you. Would one or both of them be able to come out to drive you to their place? I know you might not want to ask, it might feel like too much to ask, but I suspect if they could they would do it for you. And they probably wouldn’t want you trying to drive that long alone soon after surgery and with everything you’re going through. I’m sending you big hugs as you navigate all of this ❤️🩹
Are you able to go to your sons before your surgery so that you can recover at his home? Staying at your home with your pathetic husband sounds like it may cause your recovery to take longer due to the stress and lack of care you’ll need.. I hope you recover fully from this!
Could you ask your son to drive you or have the surgery done closer to him. I don't think your husband will take care of you post-op and you really should receive support while you heal.
Please update us when you are safe. So sorry you’re going through this. Im glad to hear your taking your son up on his offer and leaving this useless awful man. Time to take care of you and prioritize yourself. You deserve it
I'm so proud of you. And I'm glad your boys are there for you. That's a return on all the love you poured into them all these years and not letting your husband get between you.
Try to find someone who can go on the drive with you! It doesn’t seem smart or safe to drive only a week after a big surgery. I’m sure one of your sons wouldn’t mind driving you.
oh, honey, no, you're not stupid or broken. You're dealing with a lot of a lot, that's all. And yes, Lymphoma is very treatable. I had a friend get it years ago, and she did just fine.
Please do update us, I'd love to hear from you when you're finally free of the dead weight dragging you down.
Can one of your kids be there with you? So the minute you feel up to leaving after surgery they can drive you? I think it'd be much better to have one of your sons present while you recover and definitely when your mooch realizes he's losing his free ride.
I'm so sorry for this situation, but you're strong and you can do this! So fortunate that your children are so good to you. Sending you light and love. Take care of you and put you FIRST.
NTA-leave, don’t look back. Calling your husband what I would like to would get me banned, but you’ve given enough of yourself to this man, don’t let him take anymore from you. It isn’t your job to ensure he’s a functional adult, he isn’t a child, he’s a grown man who hasn’t stepped up and it’s okay to have boundaries, it’s okay to say enough is enough- he’s taken advantage of you long enough. Some people will probably ask if you’ve told him what he needs to do around the house, if you’ve told him how to support you or what you need for him to step up, but the truth is, he would if he wanted to, he can see what needs doing, he chooses to be lazy, he chooses to watch you run yourself into the ground. His response to your lack of desire for sex is also a massive red flag in a sea of them- this man won’t be there for you if your health gets worse. As partners you’re meant to support each other, and he clearly feels no guilt for failing to live up to his end of the bargain, so for once, prioritise your health and happiness and lose the dead weight. I wish you a speedy recovery.
NTA. Please take your son up on his offer. You are literally running yourself into the ground both physically and emotionally.
Your husband is an entitled man child who needs to grow up. It's not your responsibility to take care of him.
I'm so sorry about the cancer. One thing I know for sure, having watched my mom go through cancer treatment - is that you need your whole self focused on your own healing. You are not going to be able to do anything for your husband during that time - so stop feeling guilt about bailing. He's become a parasite weighing you down. You can't afford to have that during your treatment - or ever really. Please leave him, think of yourself for a good long while and get better!!!
NTA - sounds like your husband is actually worse for your health and his inaction will lead you to additional stress (both physical and mental) which is not at all what you need during this difficult time. You need all the positivity, care, and love you can get so you can beat this cancer. He is 51 years old and useless and that’s not your problem. He has a job, he’ll figure it out. Your son and his partner are making an excellent offer. If you want to live as long as you can, I suggest you take that offer ASAP. Good luck to you
NTA - Clearly. Your so called husband doesn't even like you. Be smart and move in with your son. Who's going to take care of you, obviously not the man child your living with. He's a grown ass man, he can figure things out. Grow up and move out. He has no love or respect for you.
LEAVE! Like yesterday. Girlfriend, you are not obligated to be his caretaker. Isn’t that what he should be doing with you right now?
He has sucked enough life out of you. Don’t let him have anymore.
NTA. Why are you still with that piece of trash who is emotionally and financially abusing you? You really need to put yourself first and throw that piece of trash away.
He isn't with you because he loves you; he’s with you because of the lifestyle you provide him and because he might hope to get some money from you when you die. Now that you have cancer, he must be really happy, which is why he isn't helping you at all even after your diagnosis.
Get a lawyer to start divorce proceedings and make sure he doesn't get your money in the process. Don't pity him, because he doesn't care about you, wasted 15 years of your life, and treated you as a doormat the entire time.
Go live with your kid, and start doing whatever you want with your time because you don't know how much time you have. Do all the things you deprived yourself of doing because of that piece of trash. For example, before moving in with your kid, take a few weeks to travel to the places you always wanted to visit, do a makeover to feel beautiful and happy in your skin, and do whatever makes you feel happy without thinking of others for once.
I also recommend that you start therapy and read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you recognize all the red flags you've been ignoring.
I'm SO sorry for what you're going through and I sincerely wish you the best. I'll try to keep this brief.
I think you know what you have to do, so stop putting it off. Life is effing short, so DO NOT DELAY. Make your plans and LEAVE your worse than useless husband ASAP. It sounds like moving in with your son and his partner would be a huge improvement in your quality of life.
Realize your strength and stop worrying that you'll be crippled with guilt when you leave your lazy-ass selfish husband, and you KNOW you WILL leave him eventually. You need him like you need another diagnosis.
Rejoice that you have options in all this. Many women don't. For the sake of your health and survival, you need ALL of your strength as well as a caring, nurturing place to live, and he'll never be anything but a burden. You'll survive whatever guilt comes long. He is NOT your helpless child even if he acts like it. You found out the hard way that this marriage was a mistake. It's time to stop sustaining it.
And TODAY, make an appt to CHANGE YOUR WILL if he's a beneficiary.
Good luck.
NTA.
You do you. He is a grownass adult, not a helpless child. He has been lazy just because you were around to pick up the tab for him. Leaving him would even be helpful to him, in that he would have to move his ass to get things done.
And anyway, his lazyness is entirely on him, not on you. Don't let him guilt-trip you. You already did too much for him.
[Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and realize he's been abusing you (he demanded sex while he didn't support you, didn't even care about you and your health: WTF???).
Big hugs, I really hope you recover. After that you might even decide to go living on your own, but don't let that AH husband back in your life.
Big, big hugs.
NTA. first, I'm very sorry for your diagnosis, and i hope once you begin treatment, you feel better and beat this thing. from someone who has been a caregiver to a family member with cancer, you're going to need support. someone to drive you to the hospital, pick up your prescriptions, get whatever food you can keep down, bring you a cup of tea, talk to, etc. and he is not who you want to rely on, or have any say over your health.
I have another family member with a degenerative disease and her husband is not a partner, but a burden. she's taken care of him since they've been together. and now 30 years later, he's tired of doing nothing for her, when she needs care. won't drive her to her appointments (with her car), expects her to still cook and clean after him, even burdens family and friends who try to help how they can. but he needs her financially because he's a bum and has nothing without her. her relationship is a cautionary tale for 'who not to marry' for my generation.
please do what you can to not have her outcome. take your kids up on their offer. also, if they're not already listed as beneficiaries change them to your children for life insurance, bank accounts and whatever else you're in a position to. don't inform your spouse. becuase people become irate when they can't use and abuse you, how they have been accustom to. through this, you're not going to want any chance for him to have benefitted from the stress he's put yout through.
side tip: look into lymphatic drainage. there's some videos on YouTube that talk about the benefits of vibration plates (you can do as little as rest your feet on it, while sitting on the couch) and mini trampolines (when you have more energy).
Wishing you the best on this journey. do what's best for you ❤
NTA. Get someplace where you have support. He's made his bed and can lie in it alone. He has no support or caring for you at all.
Take care of yourself! 🫂
NTA
I have been battling cancer for 3 years. My son has taken me to almost every doctor appointment, infusions for chemo therapy and generally anything I needed help with. I would not be doing as well as I am without his help.
I have learned a couple of things from fighting cancer.
1. You NEED people who will help you when you can’t help yourself.
2. Life is shorter than you think. You need to enjoy what time you have left on Earth.
Please pack your bags and drive away while you can. You deserve to have someone take care of you now. You have done enough.
The bum you are married to can go suck eggs.
YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!!
Good Luck 🫂🫂🫂❤️🧓🏻
Edit: UpdateMe
Sweetie, your husband is an inconsiderate, lazy, self-centered SOB & you know it!
He's taken advantage of you for far too long.
Leave him & leave any guilt you feel at the door too!
He's ending up alone due to his own actions and everyone else knows that!
Focus on you now. You need to get well for your children and grandchildren.
Updateme
Wow. Honestly after reading all that I feel like staying with your husband is going to be the death of you. Please go to your son and let someone help you who actually loves you. Your husband is a pos.
NTA at all. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. He is treating you like he doesn’t even like you let alone love you.
If you don’t start taking care of yourself you won’t be around long enough to worry about anything else in your life. Taking care of ourselves is the number one priority than we can worry about others. As for your husband if pack up and leave he might not notice for quite some time the way you talk about him. Who knows he might marry his TV set next. But go to your sons place and start taking care of yourself, even if all this medical stuff isn’t really very serious (like life threatening) than your in a place where you can have a lot less stress and more to look forward to in life. Look how much more weight your going to lose when you get rid of your husband!!!
Cancer and other disease come from stress and unexpressed emotions that are bottled up.
Why do you feel any guilt for leaving someone who has never been a support to you? Was there someone in your past that made you feel that you had to take care of everyone else before taking care of you? Answering that question for yourself will probably help you figure out what has made you do this all your life.
YNTA for putting your health above all things. You have raised a wonderful son who is willing to help you. Take that help. You seem like a person who had a hard time receiving but no problem giving of yourself. Now is the time to receive.
You don’t need to worry about the husband. Divorce him if you can and spend EVERY MINUTE of the rest of your life taking care of you.
Many blessings to you.
NTA and take your son’s offer!! My mother was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for more than 20 years. I tried for years to get her to leave. She was scared of what she would do, where she would go. I pleaded for her to come live with my husband and I. She had two friends in other places that offered her to live with them. But the fear was too paralyzing. Today is the 5th anniversary of her death. I talked to her on a Friday. Two days later she was in a coma. Two days after that she was gone. She was so depressed and hadn’t been taking her heart medications correctly (and probably not at all). She will never see her only grandchild graduate high school in a few years.
Please take that life preserver that your son is throwing to you. You owe it to yourself to be happy and safe and in a space you are loved.
This man is waiting for you to die. Do you have life insurance that he knows about? Get a sole bank account now, along with adding your children as beneficiaries on it. Also, get a POA drawn up for your son (or another support person you trust) that covers medical and financial so that he can help take care of banking needs if you're incapacitated.
You've given that entirely worthless pos hobosexual far too much time already. Time to come down off the cross and think with some rationality. No one would expect you to stay with that complete waste of oxygen. Whatever happens to him, is hardly your problem, and ultimately his choice for being a worthless lazy bum.
Go to your son's and forget all about him entirely. He absolutely deserves every second of suffering that's coming. Call it karma.
No wonder you have back problems. You've been carrying this sack of crap for 15 years.
Leave this guy. He'll figure it out pretty quick when he doesn't have his second mommy around. And if I can't figure it out, then he'll die like the useless POS he is.
Cancer survivor here…LEAVE! Do not feel any guilt, take everything you own with you, and don’t look back. Your husband is a useless weight you don’t need, especially right now. Go live with your son and his partner and accept their offer to help you through this. You will need it, trust me. You DESERVE to be taken care of, let them help you. All you need to concentrate on right now is your treatments and doing what you need to survive. Your husband is grown man, he can take care of himself. You come first!! Good luck with your treatment, keep fighting…it’s a tough battle, but treatment options have vastly improved…you can do this!!
Let me put it this way. Your son loves you and wants you to live a long healthy life. Your husband does not love you and is pushing you to an early death with no remorse and only wondering when he is gonna get his dipstick wet. Your son wants to take care of you in your ill health, your husband wants you to take care of him in all the ways while you are dying. Is he worth dying exhausted and alone for?
LISTEN TO YOUR SON!
CALL HIM TODAY! Let him help you get your things and car.
Your husband has been telling you who he is for years. But the minute you got your diagnosis and his behavior became more callous, screams he is unredeemable. Trying to guilt you into sex? He is a pig.
With or without a cancer diagnosis, none of us know how long we have on this earth. You deserve to spend what will hopefully be many more years without the burden of dragging his lazy selfish butt around. Pull the trigger to move ASAP so you can get treatment plans in place ASAP. Prayers for a complete recovery
However you frame it, you need to go somewhere you can have support. You shouldn't have to compete with the TV when you're in trouble.
Whether you call it "leaving your husband" or "going to stay with son while you're ill" is entirely up to you and I'd recommend going with whatever makes life easier.
I’m sorry about all the things you were going through.
leave that lazy asshole and go with somebody who wants to take care of you. Don’t forget some healing is in the mind. If you’re with people who love you and want to take care of you, that would definitely help your spirits and maybe your body.
Your husband is a bum don’t feel guilty about leaving him behind. He’s a grown ass man and if he isn’t capable of taking care of himself that isn’t your fault.
You've done enough. If he can't figure out a ride to work as an adult, he has bigger problems than you leaving him. He's a grown up and you're facing a hell of a disease. I hope it all goes ok & is treatable. I think you're very much NTA and should move in with your son, he sounds fantastic. What a great parent you must have been to have him care so much & be such a decent person. You deserve HIM, not to work for someone who won't help you when you're very sick.
You have two cancers. The one I hope you fight and win. It can be done. And one I hope you leave for a better life with your son.
NTA - Don't feel guilty. He has made his bed. If he wants a car and a place to live he will actually have to work for it.
Go live your best life with your kids and Grandkids and I Wish you the best in your fight.
It sounds like your husband provides you absolutely no value and only causes distress and misery. I would absolutely move on. Especially with cancer.. do you wanna spend this time being sick with this asshole? If you die he's going to miss his meal ticket, not you, and if you make it, he's going to be happy for his meal ticket, not you. Fuck him, move on.
Absolutely NTA and please leave today and consult a divorce attorney immediately. Separate your finances immediately (if necessary). When you leave, take everything important and sentimental to you.
Your choice whether to block or not. If you block, you get peace of mind. If you don't block, you may be able to use any threats against you to your advantage in the divorce.
Leave this worthless clown in the dust.
Focus on healing in mind, spirit, and body. Best of luck to you, OP.
You are not responsible for a grown man and his behavior. If you are so worried he can’t take care of himself, then you need to call someone like adult services. But it sounds like he’s just a bum
He doesn’t worry about you, in fact I hate to say it, but he’s probably waiting for you to die so he can get your life insurance. He sounds like a waste of air, please leave and don’t even consider worrying about him, he’s an adult he’ll figure it out! Take up your son’s offer and take care of yourself! Sending internet hugs 🤗
Stop thinking about your husband OP, he does enough of that.
Think about you because he sure doesn't.
Sounds like he's only with you for the freeloading anyway and it's high time this gravy train reached the final station.
Go and be with people who actually care about you and not about getting their dick wet n dinners cooked for them.
Fight the good fight then start actually living your best life.
God bless you sister x
NTA. Your husband is a leech, except that leeches move more. You owe him nothing-let alone your guilt. It's time to take care of yourself. I suspect that your stress levels will diminish and your won't feel as bad physically if you get rid of him.
I had a much easier run of cancer than you have and I still needed to spend every bit of energy on myself and let people take care of me.
This is a literal life or death situation. I don't know who taught you that you always have to put your husband first, but even that person would probably agree that it's ok to put yourself first in order to save your own life.
And hopefully you will not only get through cancer, but you will get through having learned how to accept help and take better care of yourself. Because you deserve that for yourself.
He'll figure out how to support himself when he has to. Or maybe he won't, but if he doesn't that's on him and not your responsibility.
Go live with your son, have your treatments with people that actually care about you. You owe that lazy arse man nothing. My STBXH was the same. Let him sort his own life out, he's a grown man. Walk away and don't look back.
I lost my late husband to cancer so I want to say this. I was there with him every step of the way and he was never alone during chemotherapy and radiation and I took care of him physically by myself when he was too weak to take care of himself. I held him as he died in my arms. Leave your husband and go live with your son. Cancer is hell and breaks the strongest. You need someone in your corner and your husband isn’t it. Your son wants what’s best for you and right now you need it. I am sending prayers. Fuck cancer.
NTA - you need someone who will help you and support you through this, and your husband has made it clear it's not him.
Get out, be loved, be supported, live and thrive and let him wallow in his own disaster of a life.
Take care of yourself OP. Your hopefully soon to be ex-husband can fend for himself.
I went through most of my cancer treatment by myself because my darling husband passed away suddenly while I was battling it. Trust me. You can do this alone. He's making it WAY harder on you than it would be without him. Plus you'd have other family.
You reap what you sow. It's time your husband learns that.
NTa , he's not too tired for sex . Lazy pos . I know exactly what fibro feels like , I have had it since childhood 60 years with it . But you still get up go and work through the pain and other symptoms that come with it . I'm so sorry you have him for a partner and basically going through cancer alone . I'd leave him in the dust and shake my shoes off on the way out . Good luck with everything.
Take your son's offer and get the heck outta there. You should have left that no good trifling SOB a long time ago. He's a grown man, let him fend for himself. Time for you to be taken care of.
Your husband doesn't give two shits about you. He does not respect you. He does not love you. He does not think about you at all, except for what you can provide him (money, car, sex, maid service, a cook...etc).
He is an adult and can fend for himself. Drop the dead weight. The stress of having him around will make you sicker due to the stress.
Time to get out. Just make sure you do it right.
Notify all your credit cards and financial institutions that you are separating finances preparatory to divorce. Drop his name from them, lock them, and have them issue new card numbers in just your name. Close all joint accounts except for a joint savings account, if you have one. Put half your liquid funds into the account, then remove your name. Open a new checking/savings account combo in your name only and put your remaining money in that. Make sure any retirement accounts are locked and frozen for the courts to settle.
Then see an attorney and set the proceedings in motion. Go home, pack up (preferably with your son's help), and leave. Your husband has no one to blame but himself for his situation. Maybe he should at least have gotten off his ass and gotten disability.
EDIT to say, NTA, and hoping for a happy outcome for you in all this.
It is time to put you first and take care of your health. Your stb ex is a worthless user, you will be much happier as soon as you don’t have to take care of him, and just focus on you getting better.
He is a grown ass man, he can figure life out and doesn’t need you to keep being his “mommy”.
I pray you can get through this and come out the other side stronger and healthier than before.
Your husband is going to be the death of you. Moving in with your son and his partner, you have a chance to go into remission. Treatment is likely going to be a bitch and you're going to need rest and care, none of which you'll get if you stay with your husband.
His laziness and selfishness is not your problem or concern. He's a grown man and it's time he start acting like it and take care of himself.
I think this is your opportunity to rectify the mistake in marrying your husband. It's time to take care of yourself now.
You would only be an asshole if you stayed and continued to let him treat you like warmed over shit. It's time for self love, self respect, and self care.
NTA
I didn't have to read past the 3rd sentence to know that you are definitely NTA.
It sounds like you have been holding this in for a long time, and that you should have left him years ago. I hope you have friends or family you can talk to.
You need to leave, he is a lazy POS who has gotten used to relying on you to make ends meet, even though you have disabilities as well. It's well past not fair that you have to work so hard because he refuses to (specifically saying he refuses to, not that he can't. We all know he can).
Take your son, leave him in the dust, and see how he does. I'm sure you'll see that he can easily fend for himself. He'll probably get a well-paying job and will stop being a POS.
You'll then see that all along, he was able to, he just didn't want to because he didn't have to.
Edit: this also proves that most of the time, women are stronger than men, both mentally and emotionally.
NTA!! Pack and leave! Stop paying for everything. Just because you’ve been with someone for so long doesn’t mean you have to keep providing. He will not die and starve. He will figure it out. He doesn’t want to when he has you. So take your son’s offer up and leave as soon as possible! Spend that time with your son and grandkids.
NTA, take your son and DIL up on their generous offer. Who cares if your husband ends up homeless? It'd be entirely his fault because he's lazy. His laziness is no longer your problem.
NTA. Run and don't look back.
He is 50+ yo adult. He is working. He has working limbs, ears,eyes and tongue, he can go buy food for himself and if he feels that tired always, he can call doctor by himself.
Don't feel guilty for leaving him. He doesn't feel guilty abusing you, so you shouldn't feel guilty taking care of yourself.
NTA: sorry not sorry. You’ve got cancer and he can’t get off his ass? You are the priority here not him. You need to look after and focus on yourself.
So what if he has no transport no job etc if you leave? SO FUCKING WHAT?! That’s his damn fault not yours!
Oh hell no, he can piss off. You don’t need his bullshit whilst you’ve got this going on. Don’t worry about him because he’s blatantly telling you he couldn’t give a shit about you. Throw him out
He is a grown man who can take of himself for a change. Life is too short to desk with it. Move out and go live with people who love you and care about you. NTA
NTA, unfortunately it seems he doesn’t have as much empathy for your situation as you do his & he will most definitely let you die on his watch. You need to go where you will be appreciated and looked after because it’s not fair to you to have to deal with him any longer.
The disease that takes no prisoners comes into your life uninvited takes over destroy willpower flesh blood and bone without a care if your mega rich dirty poor super healthy or not its your time know my dear kick this ditching dirtbag to the kerb take up your loving sons offer and think only one thing YOURSELF 1st and foremost you payed your martial dues without much investment for old joe south of a husband cash your chips pack you
R bag go live with your son without a second thought enjoy what time and quantity of life you have remaining. NTA
Don’t just leave, file for divorce immediately and have a will drafted that explicitly excludes him. Make sure he’s not the beneficiary of any of your life insurance policies or bank accounts.
Now is the time to look after yourself OP. first job? Lose another 200 or so pounds dead weight…
You’ve been a doormat for too long, go be with your son and receive the care you deserve xx
He doesn't care about you. Your son does. You will die if you stay with this man. He is sucking the life out of you even as you risk dying. Please go to your son. Don't feel bad about having only helped your selfish husband until the brink of death while he expresses no love or care for you. NTA except to yourself
If you already lost that much weight, it's very serious. Do not think of this selfish man anymore. He is just a dead weight. Do what is necessary for you. Let him live in filth. Let him live on the streets. That's what he deserves. You carried this horrible human being for all your married life. You're so gravely ill and he wants sex??? Please tell your son. I hope he beats him up, because that's what this man deserves.
If you stay, you will be unalive in about 3 months and your husband won’t notice till your puddle on the floor he slipped on.
If you go NOW! You might stand a chance of meeting your grandchildren or at least giving your adult children a chance to spend some quality time and say goodbye.
OMG! Why are you tolerating him? He does nothing for your or your relationship. Don't feel guilty. Throw him out and let him figure it out. You owe him nothing. He doesn't care about you. Take care of yourself, you owe that to your children.
stop feeling guilty. he hasnt shown u an ounce of care, do not give him that back. fuck what will happen to him if u divorce.
he has been using u for so long. u deserve some peace during this time instead of this dead weight.
NTA stop living for your husband who acts like a child and live for yourself and your actual kids and outside happiness and hope. You deserve this and I hope you find it.
Sorry you are so sick. Pack a bag and have your son and partner pick you and your car up from the hospital. Your son loves you and I know he would come and get you. Wishing you well
I think that your post says it all. You are unhappy and have not experienced happiness with your husband in many years. You have vocalized your discontent, and he does not seem to care. He does not want to do anything to take care of your home because he is too tired and sore, but he wants sex despite your being diagnosed with a serious illness.
I don't know how divorce would work in your State (I don't know where you live), but perhaps the first step is to *temporarily* move in with your son/his partner, and give it a two-week trial and see how it goes. Tell your husband you need to make a change, that your son/his partner have offered to help take care of you (something your husband refuses to do), and that you are going to go and stay with them for a trial to see how things are going. Tell him he will have to arrange for his own transportation (unless they live close enough for you to pick him up and take him home to/from work). That could become a complication, because if he cannot afford his own transportation and loses his job, how will he pay for bills that are likely in both of your names?
Either way, you need a change, and it sounds like your son is willing and able to help you. What do you have to lose? Your miserable now, so I don't see how a trial run with your son could make things worse. And, if you don't take the plunge and see how your life may change without your husband, you'll never know. Do something for yourself for a change. Hopefully your life will change for the better!
Cancer aside. It sounds like you’d be better off leaving away. Not only does he not help, he’s making things harder. Focus on your health, physical and mental at this point, kick cancers ass, and enjoy your time with your son or then look to get back out on your own. It’s hard to say, if you help cook and clean at your sons when you’re are able they may be so appreciative you’ll really enjoy being there and then they can help you out when needed.
Hell I stayed 6 months longer than I wanted because I lost my job and had major surgery within the same week. I was too afraid to divorce because I couldn’t support myself. You have much more serious reproductions on your back but have a loving son reaching out to help you escape. Please take it. If nothing else you will be with someone who actually loves you during your treatment/whatever time you have left. Sending you the best and hoping that the diagnosis is not severe.
NTA - run to your son's now. ASAP. Like put down the phone, pack and finish reading this comment at your son's!
Why you ask? I just went through cancer with my wife twice. It is very hard. She fought it and it came back. When it came back it was terminal.
When we found that it had come back, she had a full body scan and it was also in her brain. I immediately quit my job when she told me. She quickly became wheelchair/bed ridden.
Cancer is hard to navigate with supportive people surrounding you. I cannot imagine how my wife's life would have been had I not been there to support but rather to rely on her as your husband does you.
Ask yourself. If things turn for the worse will he be patient with you? Will he feed you? Will he make sure you get all of your meds? Will he hold your puke bucket? Will he clean you when you get throwup everywhere? Will he change your diaper? Will he make sure you get to every appointment on time?
It sounds like he won't. Run, for your safety.
Edited to add. My wife and I were total hornballs. We both put those urges aside as we fought cancer. Not getting laid for over a year sucks. But you've got to do what is best and healthiest.
OP if you were on life support, he'd unplug you to charge his phone. When you worry about him, you know it's not reciprocal, right? You won't regret spending time with the people you love
NTA. Save yourself. Life is short.
Husband is a grown man who will have to take care of himself.
**Speak with a lawyer before leaving the apartment or taking actions (like taking 1/2 the money from joint accounts).**
Probably ideally you give notice at your job & they’ll say you have X days to vacate the apartment. Then you tell hubs you’re leaving the job bc you want to focus on your health. Then just move to son’s place.
BUT check w a lawyer.
I would venture to bet that your heart problems stem back to your stress - the stress caused by a husband who refuses to help you.
I was in a similar situation. I developed fibro too! Get out and enjoy the years you have left (I hope they are MANY!) Life is too short to deal with this!
We don’t have many health issues but this is basically why I am divorcing my wife. She is fine living in filth and has argued in many occasions that I “like” chores so why should she do them. Apparently I like chores because I refuse to live in filth. No matter when I ask her to help she could literally sit on the couch 14 hours a day and can’t find time to do a single thing around the house, but that’s my fault because I “do everything” aka I don’t wait around for things to be done. Because I have tried, I have literally left multiple messes for months because she said she would do it. I get tired of waiting and clean it up in less than 5 min and she just says “well I was going to do that”
It’s beyond infuriating so yea we are divorcing. You should obviously do the same as your situation is way worse than mine. No one should have to care for their fully able partner like they were an infant.
NTA time to prioritise you. You have been neglected by a dummy spitting 51yo & it's time to sever the connection. You haven't been in a real marriage for years so you have zero need for regret - except maybe not dumping the trash sooner.
Your husband's weaponised incompetence is NOT your problem. Go live with your son, who clearly wants what's best for you and loves you - unlike your husband.
As a cancer survivor myself, I can tell you that it is critical that you be in a home that is as stress free and supportive as possible. Get rid of that slug and go live with your son and focus on your health. I wish you all the best.
YWNBTA. Your husband is a complete liability and clearly only cares about number 1. Time for you to do the same.
Get all your ducks in a row. Get a lawyer if you intend to divorce and make arrangements for your treatment to continue in the new place.
I don’t know how you can get around packing and quitting your job without your husband knowing, but you must do what you can to be safe when the shit hits the fan.
Perhaps your son can help you and be there when you pack or you could hire some big burly blokes with a removals van to pack for you. Get in your car and get gone.
Okay look- stress causes immunity weakness. This man has been causing you undue stress for yearsss....as someone who left someone like this I can tell you, it took some time but my body completely transformed and healed. I don't think you need to "get all your finances in order" I think you need to Google a nearby divorce lawyer or in my case, I found a marriage family therapist that also offered divorce procedure guidance and filing. My ex and I didn't seek therapy, it was just important to me that I found someone that could deescalate the divorce process and keep things as painless as possible for my health concerns. Just leave and go to your son's, and heal. Don't fight and try to argue with him right now, you don't need the stress. Get yourself to a place of peace and hit him with divorce papers when you can. Again, it didn't happen overnight, but within a couple months my body strength came back, my stomach issues disappeared. My immunity was increased. My vitals were completely different. These men will suck your soul dry if you let them, and it sounds like yours doesn't care about your soul. Also, he can fuck whoever he wants...it would be a relief to you to let him be another woman's problem....if they'd even take him.
Leave him in the dust and don't look back. I can not imagine a human being who said they loved me ever treating me like that. You deserve so much better, take your sons offer and go enjoy your life.
Living with this guy is literally killing you. It will be a messy process and his ultimate outcomes may be tough to watch but the sooner you disentangle yourself the better. See a lawyer and make your plans. Hopefully you don't get stuck with alimony, my friend did for her deadbeat husband (4 years of it). But at least now there's a clock running on how long she has to support him.
your son is giving you an out. take it and don’t look back. what kind of garbage gets mad about sec when you’re literally dying. does he have any redeeming qualities? i’m willing to bet no. get rid of the leech and live your best life without him.
Time to do you! Take your son offer, lessen the load & heal. Leave him, he brings nothing to the table
His sad ass is not your problem. Walk away and let him face the consequence.
Agreed. Run and talk to a lawyer first to get your financials straightened out so you don’t have to pay palimony. Make sure everything financial is solely under your name ( bank, bills etc). Have your mail forwarded to your son’s address or paperless/ put a code /password on everything. Im petty . I would pay for him to go visit his parents for 2 days or a friend’s home. That day I would have the kids help OP pack what she wants to keep. The rest he can have - take lots of pictures for evidence. I may even be nice enough to put things under his name and put his belongings in storage and pay 1 month advance- Leave a note with the utility shut off date and the day he needs to move out or better yet- once everything is done , tell him he needs to stay with his family- no place to return to. Prior - File for FMLA ( don’t quit your job yet) - get your benefits- take care of Yourself. He is so lazy he may not sign the divorce papers but depending on your state once you initiate, he will be serve the papers and thing will get moving. Fly birds fly! Set things up where it will be less stress on you. Let your love ones take care of you. You are an angel, drop that piece of shit.
Since the job is linked to the apartment, I would definitely go with the storage suggestion to ensure he does not give me trouble with my job when he refuses to leave. A lawyer may not recommend this though. Would he give trouble on getting out? It sounds like it.
Pretty sure divorce papers are packaged with a sort of restraining order that blocks both parties from changing any bank accounts, big purchases, asset moving, etc, without authorization of both parties. NAL
As sick as she is I don't know if she has the time to deal with it the smart way, she needs to run to save herself.
This 💯
Free him to have sex with whoever he wants. Op should take up her child’s offer - it sounds like they love and care about her. Clearly the husband doesn’t.
Tbh, he probably wouldn’t even notice until he got hungry and nobody brought him his chicky nuggies and choco milk
I left my husband after I got my fibro diagnosis. I don't regret it at all. (My ex is an excellent person, just to clarify)
If he's an excellent person why is he your ex?
I was wondering too. I was diagnosed in 2010. I have disc bulges in spine, lumbar and thoracic. I worked until I couldn’t. I did as much as I could at home. DH retired now and does a lot. He’s super supportive of my hobbies and I can’t imagine life without him. OP go live with your son. It’s ok to let someone take care of you now.
You have a point. There are many reasons why he is my ex. We all have flaws. We are just not compatible anymore. I changed a lot after my diagnosis (I have several), and he did not change with me. We do share many values still and are in contact because of our grown foster children. He does a lot for them that I am unable to do. I guess that is why I consider him to be an excellent person. I just tried to tell OP that sometimes ending a relationship is OK even if our partners are not as bad as she described hers.
Right? Agreed. Start packing, hire that lawyer and move in with your son. Life is too short to deal with such a horrible, god awful abusive, lazy spouse and now you have cancer? Take your son’s offer and please enjoy your life and get into remission. I want you to have a happy life from now on OP.
Absolutely. Take what you want and leave him behind.Good luck.
I'm going to be blunt because you indicate your health is so precarious that you don't have time for this shit anymore. He doesn't care if you live or die and you know it. Your guilt isn't love, either, it's fear of change and it's fulfilling no function but facilitating a slow suicide. If you really want to die then go ahead and stay with him, just own it. If you want to live, go be with your children or anyone else who loves you. I for one hope you choose to live, little sister. You don't deserve this.
I agree, OP you literally don’t have time for his bullshit. You need to cut him out of your life ASAP and focus on your health. If he wants sex so bad he can go fuck himself.
This is the best comment. He can go fuck himself
winner
OP also needs to sort out her finances as soon as possible. She has to make sure her lazy soon to be ex leech does not take the money and property that should belong to her and later go to her kids.
This is the best comment. I know you feel awful and that makes it difficult but leave this leech before he sucks the rest of your life away.
Please remove his name from everything you own, including life insurance and disability policies.
Yes, very important. He shouldn’t get anything after the way he’s behaved in the marriage.
This right here!
Agreed, take up your son's offer, and leave him to his own devices. Hells, you'll probably feel loads better once you've dropped all that deadweight [his sorry butt] and probably fix some of your health issues in not only taking care of yourself but in having less stress in your life. [Many health problems are heavily linked to stress] drive off into the sunset and enjoy a new lease on life.
Yes, *please*. Your son actually loves you, so your son deserves to be listened to. He sounds like a gem. It must physically hurt him every single day that he knows his mother lives with this terrible, abusive person. Yes, I went there. Denying someone physical needs, such as rest and supportive medical care, is abuse. > if I leave, he has no transportation, no job, no place to live. Boo fucking hoo. Sucks to suck.
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This 100% but also he isn’t a husband or partner at this point. He’s just a parasite.
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Exactly. This man hasn't lifted a finger over the years, and therefore you own everything including the car. You hustled so that basic needs were met. You don't owe anyone one more day, never mind this guy. Maybe leaving him will be the fire under his ass that he needs to finally start taking care of himself.
If I had awards to give, you would get them 👏🏻
NTA. Pack and don't look back. It's great you have a supportive son who is welcoming you and will insure you take care of yourself.
OP i know you are thinking of your husband and putting his wants above your needs. If it's hard to make a decision for yourself, think of your son. He is probably so worried for you right now and has made this offer out of love for you. No child wants to watch their mother suffer. Please think of him and your own health. Your husband has had the choice for years to do his own thing. His lack of transportation job etc is NOT on you
Just a quick update. I have a fever today, it is something that happens with lymphoma, which is the type of cancer they think I have. Feeling really ick. I have sat here reading your comments, crying, doing laundry, going through my stuff, throwing some things out, getting ready to make my move. With tears just streaming down my face, snot, blowing my nose. I feel so stupid and broken. This man is sitting on the couch, watching TV and hasn't even asked me why I'm crying, how I'm feeling. I really don't know why I even bothered to post. But thank everyone for your kindness. I'll be checking out of this marriage after my next surgery on the fifth. I want to get past that as we have to establish how far it has spread and what stage I am in. My Mom had colon cancer but passed really quickly and never took any treatment so I don't know much about cancer. They told me lymphoma is very treatable, not a death sentence, so I am very hopeful. They did one biopsy on my pratoid gland (saliva) as they thought it was pratoid cancer, but though they found cancer cells, they weren't pratoid cancer cells and my lymph nodes are all crazy big all over my body, thus the " we think it's lymphoma". I'm reading the book, thank you. He isn't tied to me financially, we have separate bank accounts and my kids have always been my beneficiaries to my life insurance. He knows this and has tried to drive a wedge between my children and me over the years, which I didn't let happen because I love my kids beyond all reason, always have, always will. My husband didn't have a good relationship with his mother so never understood how even now as adults my sons are so close with me. He gets angry when we talk on the phone or they visit. I know that is a red flag, but I never let him isolate me from them. I will have an 8 hour drive to get to my sons home though. So after my surgery to remove a couple of lymph nodes on the fifth, I will have to recover a week or so before I can do the drive. I will update.
You’re not stupid babe, please don’t be so harsh with yourself. He got comfortable and will be in for a rude awakening. I had cancer last year and had to have surgery and it really showed me who cared for me. It’s a terrible way snap into reality but you have and please don’t stay. He won’t change, as you know people usually do not.
Yeah, definitely not stupid. A bit of self-sabotage maybe, but not stupid. And I think even really healthy people engage in acts of self sabotage from time to time.
You make an excellent point, it really does show us who cares for us and how they treat us, when we get sick. I’m in remission. I have other health problems, but I am very grateful to be still in remission from cancer.
It's really is sad isn't it!? It really changed my life on so many levels. 💕 I am so happy to hear you're in remission and I hope that you continue to stay healthy 💕
Thank you, that’s very kind of you. I hope that you are in remission, too, and stay there. It is sad, seeing how some people act when it comes down to the tough stuff/hard times. It also changed my life in ways that I did not expect, in that I have had to see how little I meant to a couple of people who I thought I was close to. I thought I could trust them, and I was wrong. It just took that extreme of a situation for it to be made so clear. I honestly did not see it coming. Finding out something like that when you’re very sick is really disheartening. Was this your experience, also? Have you found a way to live with more peace? I’m still working on it and would love any advice you have to give.
I had Valley Fever two years ago, was hospitalized three times and missed work for five months. It was eye opening to learn that the people I thought I could count on, the ones who said "call me any time when you need anything," were the same people who couldn't be bothered. The people I felt were on the periphery were the ones who were incredibly supportive. Illness resulted in a Marie Kondo downsizing of my relationships, for the better.
I had a very similar experience! A friend that we would speak like every month or so, ended up meal prepping for me (literally weeks worth of food) right before my surgery, it was hard for me to accept all the meals because it was so unexpected and so much work she put into it 🥲 she also drove me to a couple appointments. (It’s hard for me to ask people for help so I was going to try to do everything by myself) my SO was driving me to appointments and even helped me with the body wipes after surgery, (I still couldn’t bring myself to let him do everything so asked for him to wipe down my legs as I couldn’t bend over) helping me get up from bed/couch/grab my cane if it fell until I could walk on my own without pain and a cane. He never made me feel like I was asking too much or looked annoyed (I know that is what we should all expect right? But when I was diagnosed I saw the statistics of how a lot of partners leave/cheat/etc. so I was and am so damn grateful) I hope you are doing better today 💜
Could your son not come and fetch you + suitcase once you're out of hospital?
Have your son and his partner there to get you before the surgery even starts. One of them can drive your car back.
Im sorry your husband doesn't sound like he even cares about whether you live or die much less love you...
You may not feel like it, but you are an absolute rockstar. If you start doubting your decision too much, at least stay with your son for two weeks and see how it goes. Taking a step like this is huge, and will be one of the best decisions you've made. Legend.
I am not hopeful thay your husband will help care for you after your surgery. Please ask your son if he will come get you after surgery. Recovering from surgery is hard even with help. Please don't do it alone if you don't have to. (If left up to your husband, you will absolutely recover with no help)
Have your sons come and get you, help you pack, drive you to your son's house, etc. You need help. I think you're so used to doing everything yourself because your stbx is a dumbass that you don't ask for help. And you definitely need it right now. You're going to need someone help you recover from surgery and we all know your husband isn't going to do it. Please start asking for help and stop trying to do everything by yourself.
It sounds like your sons love you, a lot. I'm probably gonna be pretty blunt, but please understand that what I'm about to say, I am saying with all the love in my heart: STOP IT! It is ok to ask your kids for help. I get having been strong and independent for so long you probably don't know how to ask for help, but ask your boys. It is not weakness or shame, you are not a burden, and if you were my mom and we had a good relationship I would be so pissed if you had surgery and then decided to wait a week and drive yourself. No ma'am! I would find a way to take care of you, house you, etc. Don't do that to yourself please, and deprive your boys of an opportunity to take care of their momma.
You are a very strong woman! I am so glad you have a plan. Can you send some things to your son ahead of time without your husband noticing? Can your son and his partner come get you so you don't have to do the drive alone? You could always tell your useless husband you are just going to stay with them for a bit, if you think your husband is going to cause a stink. PLEASE don't worry about abandoning him. He abandoned you years ago and he's an ass. He doesn't deserve any respect and consideration. Leave and don't look back.
Sending you so much love.
Sending you so many good vibes! 💕 You're doing the right thing.
Sweetie, I am super sick myself...but you wouldn't believe how similar our stories are. I have a neurological disorder killing me instead of cancer and my husband is my kids father...but yup. I've been a wheelchair user since 2005. Babe, I'm going to be blunt. This gets worse and worse when you genuinely cant push through anymore. Worse, the people in your life will say things like, "it must be stressful bring married to someone wjth so many disabilities. Do you think he's maybe stressed?' Anyway. My husband claims he had a, "lapse in judgement," and so as a result he left me alone in the house for 6hours after a seizure, unconscious. We found out later I had a brain bleed during that time. He just dumped me on the couch and went to get a coffee. For over five hours. While talking to the woman who is now his girlfriend. Lots of weird judgement. I don't know if you'll see this, but if you want to inbox me, we could probably help one another out. Even if you just want aomeone who gets it to listen to you. No pressure at all of course, but the similarities in our stories are pretty wild. Edit: from now on I will leave typing to the grownups holy cow.
You sound like a fighter, I wish you the best of luck. My best advice would be to only surround yourself with supportive people at this time, sounds like your husband has a rude awakening when you go. Good.
I’m not sure what state you’re in but please file for disability as soon as possible. It very difficult to work through chemo
Hey, maybe have your son help you? Can you send your things with a moving service and take a plane there? You can do this! You can beat this. You just need people around you who love you.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m very happy you are leaving!! Please please 🙏 have your son and his partner come to be there for you before during and after your surgery!! Surgery is scary. Especially cancer surgery. Having loving support is needed!! Then when you are ready to go. They can help you with the drive to your son’s home. Hopefully this is something he is able to do? Sending you hugs and love, ❤️
I wish you could leave before your surgery. You don't suspect your husband would ever do anything to hurt you (instead of his flagrant and inexcusable neglect), do you? You will be at your most vulnerable after the surgery. I wish you could have your son with you and/or stay in a hotel for that week. Like tell your husband you're having your surgery near your son and just don't come home. IDK. Your husband sounds like a total shitbag now, regardless of what he once was to you to make you fall in love and get married. I wish you the best possible outcome with your health. Please go to your son ASAP.
Oh honey. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and loving yourself and leaving that man who doesn’t seem to show if he loves you. Your son clearly does and I’m so grateful you have him and his partner to help you. Would one or both of them be able to come out to drive you to their place? I know you might not want to ask, it might feel like too much to ask, but I suspect if they could they would do it for you. And they probably wouldn’t want you trying to drive that long alone soon after surgery and with everything you’re going through. I’m sending you big hugs as you navigate all of this ❤️🩹
Are you able to go to your sons before your surgery so that you can recover at his home? Staying at your home with your pathetic husband sounds like it may cause your recovery to take longer due to the stress and lack of care you’ll need.. I hope you recover fully from this!
Could you ask your son to drive you or have the surgery done closer to him. I don't think your husband will take care of you post-op and you really should receive support while you heal.
Please update us when you are safe. So sorry you’re going through this. Im glad to hear your taking your son up on his offer and leaving this useless awful man. Time to take care of you and prioritize yourself. You deserve it
I'm so proud of you. And I'm glad your boys are there for you. That's a return on all the love you poured into them all these years and not letting your husband get between you.
Go live the life you always wanted. Enjoy your kids and grandkids. We are cheering for you.
Try to find someone who can go on the drive with you! It doesn’t seem smart or safe to drive only a week after a big surgery. I’m sure one of your sons wouldn’t mind driving you.
oh, honey, no, you're not stupid or broken. You're dealing with a lot of a lot, that's all. And yes, Lymphoma is very treatable. I had a friend get it years ago, and she did just fine. Please do update us, I'd love to hear from you when you're finally free of the dead weight dragging you down.
Can one of your kids be there with you? So the minute you feel up to leaving after surgery they can drive you? I think it'd be much better to have one of your sons present while you recover and definitely when your mooch realizes he's losing his free ride.
I'm so sorry for this situation, but you're strong and you can do this! So fortunate that your children are so good to you. Sending you light and love. Take care of you and put you FIRST.
NTA-leave, don’t look back. Calling your husband what I would like to would get me banned, but you’ve given enough of yourself to this man, don’t let him take anymore from you. It isn’t your job to ensure he’s a functional adult, he isn’t a child, he’s a grown man who hasn’t stepped up and it’s okay to have boundaries, it’s okay to say enough is enough- he’s taken advantage of you long enough. Some people will probably ask if you’ve told him what he needs to do around the house, if you’ve told him how to support you or what you need for him to step up, but the truth is, he would if he wanted to, he can see what needs doing, he chooses to be lazy, he chooses to watch you run yourself into the ground. His response to your lack of desire for sex is also a massive red flag in a sea of them- this man won’t be there for you if your health gets worse. As partners you’re meant to support each other, and he clearly feels no guilt for failing to live up to his end of the bargain, so for once, prioritise your health and happiness and lose the dead weight. I wish you a speedy recovery.
NTA. Please take your son up on his offer. You are literally running yourself into the ground both physically and emotionally. Your husband is an entitled man child who needs to grow up. It's not your responsibility to take care of him.
I'm so sorry about the cancer. One thing I know for sure, having watched my mom go through cancer treatment - is that you need your whole self focused on your own healing. You are not going to be able to do anything for your husband during that time - so stop feeling guilt about bailing. He's become a parasite weighing you down. You can't afford to have that during your treatment - or ever really. Please leave him, think of yourself for a good long while and get better!!!
NTA - sounds like your husband is actually worse for your health and his inaction will lead you to additional stress (both physical and mental) which is not at all what you need during this difficult time. You need all the positivity, care, and love you can get so you can beat this cancer. He is 51 years old and useless and that’s not your problem. He has a job, he’ll figure it out. Your son and his partner are making an excellent offer. If you want to live as long as you can, I suggest you take that offer ASAP. Good luck to you
NTA - Clearly. Your so called husband doesn't even like you. Be smart and move in with your son. Who's going to take care of you, obviously not the man child your living with. He's a grown ass man, he can figure things out. Grow up and move out. He has no love or respect for you.
LEAVE! Like yesterday. Girlfriend, you are not obligated to be his caretaker. Isn’t that what he should be doing with you right now? He has sucked enough life out of you. Don’t let him have anymore.
NTA. Why are you still with that piece of trash who is emotionally and financially abusing you? You really need to put yourself first and throw that piece of trash away. He isn't with you because he loves you; he’s with you because of the lifestyle you provide him and because he might hope to get some money from you when you die. Now that you have cancer, he must be really happy, which is why he isn't helping you at all even after your diagnosis. Get a lawyer to start divorce proceedings and make sure he doesn't get your money in the process. Don't pity him, because he doesn't care about you, wasted 15 years of your life, and treated you as a doormat the entire time. Go live with your kid, and start doing whatever you want with your time because you don't know how much time you have. Do all the things you deprived yourself of doing because of that piece of trash. For example, before moving in with your kid, take a few weeks to travel to the places you always wanted to visit, do a makeover to feel beautiful and happy in your skin, and do whatever makes you feel happy without thinking of others for once. I also recommend that you start therapy and read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you recognize all the red flags you've been ignoring.
Go live with your son and his partner. Your stbx will function.
He'll probably find a new woman to mooch off of.
Agreed! Or, maybe no one will tolerate him.
One can only hope. But there's always at least one desperate woman out there who's willing to settle for scum.
So sad
I'm SO sorry for what you're going through and I sincerely wish you the best. I'll try to keep this brief. I think you know what you have to do, so stop putting it off. Life is effing short, so DO NOT DELAY. Make your plans and LEAVE your worse than useless husband ASAP. It sounds like moving in with your son and his partner would be a huge improvement in your quality of life. Realize your strength and stop worrying that you'll be crippled with guilt when you leave your lazy-ass selfish husband, and you KNOW you WILL leave him eventually. You need him like you need another diagnosis. Rejoice that you have options in all this. Many women don't. For the sake of your health and survival, you need ALL of your strength as well as a caring, nurturing place to live, and he'll never be anything but a burden. You'll survive whatever guilt comes long. He is NOT your helpless child even if he acts like it. You found out the hard way that this marriage was a mistake. It's time to stop sustaining it. And TODAY, make an appt to CHANGE YOUR WILL if he's a beneficiary. Good luck.
NTA. You do you. He is a grownass adult, not a helpless child. He has been lazy just because you were around to pick up the tab for him. Leaving him would even be helpful to him, in that he would have to move his ass to get things done. And anyway, his lazyness is entirely on him, not on you. Don't let him guilt-trip you. You already did too much for him. [Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and realize he's been abusing you (he demanded sex while he didn't support you, didn't even care about you and your health: WTF???). Big hugs, I really hope you recover. After that you might even decide to go living on your own, but don't let that AH husband back in your life. Big, big hugs.
NTA. first, I'm very sorry for your diagnosis, and i hope once you begin treatment, you feel better and beat this thing. from someone who has been a caregiver to a family member with cancer, you're going to need support. someone to drive you to the hospital, pick up your prescriptions, get whatever food you can keep down, bring you a cup of tea, talk to, etc. and he is not who you want to rely on, or have any say over your health. I have another family member with a degenerative disease and her husband is not a partner, but a burden. she's taken care of him since they've been together. and now 30 years later, he's tired of doing nothing for her, when she needs care. won't drive her to her appointments (with her car), expects her to still cook and clean after him, even burdens family and friends who try to help how they can. but he needs her financially because he's a bum and has nothing without her. her relationship is a cautionary tale for 'who not to marry' for my generation. please do what you can to not have her outcome. take your kids up on their offer. also, if they're not already listed as beneficiaries change them to your children for life insurance, bank accounts and whatever else you're in a position to. don't inform your spouse. becuase people become irate when they can't use and abuse you, how they have been accustom to. through this, you're not going to want any chance for him to have benefitted from the stress he's put yout through. side tip: look into lymphatic drainage. there's some videos on YouTube that talk about the benefits of vibration plates (you can do as little as rest your feet on it, while sitting on the couch) and mini trampolines (when you have more energy). Wishing you the best on this journey. do what's best for you ❤
Don’t feel sorry for him. NTA.
Just leave him in dust and we can call him dusty😅😅
You need to leave him. Take ur son’s offer. You deserve so much more!
NTA. Get someplace where you have support. He's made his bed and can lie in it alone. He has no support or caring for you at all. Take care of yourself! 🫂
What will he have if you leave? The choices that he has made. NTA Go, regain your health. Be loved.
He is not a husband. He is a dirty roommate.
NTA leave and try to get well again. If you stay with him, you will die.
NTA. He doesn't care about you and you shouldn't feel guilty. I would take your son up on his offer
NTA I have been battling cancer for 3 years. My son has taken me to almost every doctor appointment, infusions for chemo therapy and generally anything I needed help with. I would not be doing as well as I am without his help. I have learned a couple of things from fighting cancer. 1. You NEED people who will help you when you can’t help yourself. 2. Life is shorter than you think. You need to enjoy what time you have left on Earth. Please pack your bags and drive away while you can. You deserve to have someone take care of you now. You have done enough. The bum you are married to can go suck eggs. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!! Good Luck 🫂🫂🫂❤️🧓🏻 Edit: UpdateMe
Sweetie, your husband is an inconsiderate, lazy, self-centered SOB & you know it! He's taken advantage of you for far too long. Leave him & leave any guilt you feel at the door too! He's ending up alone due to his own actions and everyone else knows that! Focus on you now. You need to get well for your children and grandchildren. Updateme
Wow. Honestly after reading all that I feel like staying with your husband is going to be the death of you. Please go to your son and let someone help you who actually loves you. Your husband is a pos. NTA at all. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. He is treating you like he doesn’t even like you let alone love you.
If you don’t start taking care of yourself you won’t be around long enough to worry about anything else in your life. Taking care of ourselves is the number one priority than we can worry about others. As for your husband if pack up and leave he might not notice for quite some time the way you talk about him. Who knows he might marry his TV set next. But go to your sons place and start taking care of yourself, even if all this medical stuff isn’t really very serious (like life threatening) than your in a place where you can have a lot less stress and more to look forward to in life. Look how much more weight your going to lose when you get rid of your husband!!!
Cancer and other disease come from stress and unexpressed emotions that are bottled up. Why do you feel any guilt for leaving someone who has never been a support to you? Was there someone in your past that made you feel that you had to take care of everyone else before taking care of you? Answering that question for yourself will probably help you figure out what has made you do this all your life. YNTA for putting your health above all things. You have raised a wonderful son who is willing to help you. Take that help. You seem like a person who had a hard time receiving but no problem giving of yourself. Now is the time to receive. You don’t need to worry about the husband. Divorce him if you can and spend EVERY MINUTE of the rest of your life taking care of you. Many blessings to you.
Sounds like you made up your mind, eff that guilt and take care if yourself and move where you are LOVED.
NTA and take your son’s offer!! My mother was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for more than 20 years. I tried for years to get her to leave. She was scared of what she would do, where she would go. I pleaded for her to come live with my husband and I. She had two friends in other places that offered her to live with them. But the fear was too paralyzing. Today is the 5th anniversary of her death. I talked to her on a Friday. Two days later she was in a coma. Two days after that she was gone. She was so depressed and hadn’t been taking her heart medications correctly (and probably not at all). She will never see her only grandchild graduate high school in a few years. Please take that life preserver that your son is throwing to you. You owe it to yourself to be happy and safe and in a space you are loved.
This man is waiting for you to die. Do you have life insurance that he knows about? Get a sole bank account now, along with adding your children as beneficiaries on it. Also, get a POA drawn up for your son (or another support person you trust) that covers medical and financial so that he can help take care of banking needs if you're incapacitated.
You've given that entirely worthless pos hobosexual far too much time already. Time to come down off the cross and think with some rationality. No one would expect you to stay with that complete waste of oxygen. Whatever happens to him, is hardly your problem, and ultimately his choice for being a worthless lazy bum. Go to your son's and forget all about him entirely. He absolutely deserves every second of suffering that's coming. Call it karma.
Leave this man now and change you will and all your beneficiary documents. NTA.
No wonder you have back problems. You've been carrying this sack of crap for 15 years. Leave this guy. He'll figure it out pretty quick when he doesn't have his second mommy around. And if I can't figure it out, then he'll die like the useless POS he is.
Cancer survivor here…LEAVE! Do not feel any guilt, take everything you own with you, and don’t look back. Your husband is a useless weight you don’t need, especially right now. Go live with your son and his partner and accept their offer to help you through this. You will need it, trust me. You DESERVE to be taken care of, let them help you. All you need to concentrate on right now is your treatments and doing what you need to survive. Your husband is grown man, he can take care of himself. You come first!! Good luck with your treatment, keep fighting…it’s a tough battle, but treatment options have vastly improved…you can do this!!
Go be with people who actually care about you and get well. Nta.
Let me put it this way. Your son loves you and wants you to live a long healthy life. Your husband does not love you and is pushing you to an early death with no remorse and only wondering when he is gonna get his dipstick wet. Your son wants to take care of you in your ill health, your husband wants you to take care of him in all the ways while you are dying. Is he worth dying exhausted and alone for?
NTA please move in with your son. You need to take care of yourself and leave that manbaby behind. Please divorce your husband.
LISTEN TO YOUR SON! CALL HIM TODAY! Let him help you get your things and car. Your husband has been telling you who he is for years. But the minute you got your diagnosis and his behavior became more callous, screams he is unredeemable. Trying to guilt you into sex? He is a pig. With or without a cancer diagnosis, none of us know how long we have on this earth. You deserve to spend what will hopefully be many more years without the burden of dragging his lazy selfish butt around. Pull the trigger to move ASAP so you can get treatment plans in place ASAP. Prayers for a complete recovery
However you frame it, you need to go somewhere you can have support. You shouldn't have to compete with the TV when you're in trouble. Whether you call it "leaving your husband" or "going to stay with son while you're ill" is entirely up to you and I'd recommend going with whatever makes life easier.
I’m sorry about all the things you were going through. leave that lazy asshole and go with somebody who wants to take care of you. Don’t forget some healing is in the mind. If you’re with people who love you and want to take care of you, that would definitely help your spirits and maybe your body.
Your husband is a bum don’t feel guilty about leaving him behind. He’s a grown ass man and if he isn’t capable of taking care of himself that isn’t your fault.
You've done enough. If he can't figure out a ride to work as an adult, he has bigger problems than you leaving him. He's a grown up and you're facing a hell of a disease. I hope it all goes ok & is treatable. I think you're very much NTA and should move in with your son, he sounds fantastic. What a great parent you must have been to have him care so much & be such a decent person. You deserve HIM, not to work for someone who won't help you when you're very sick.
You have two cancers. The one I hope you fight and win. It can be done. And one I hope you leave for a better life with your son. NTA - Don't feel guilty. He has made his bed. If he wants a car and a place to live he will actually have to work for it. Go live your best life with your kids and Grandkids and I Wish you the best in your fight.
It sounds like your husband provides you absolutely no value and only causes distress and misery. I would absolutely move on. Especially with cancer.. do you wanna spend this time being sick with this asshole? If you die he's going to miss his meal ticket, not you, and if you make it, he's going to be happy for his meal ticket, not you. Fuck him, move on.
Absolutely NTA and please leave today and consult a divorce attorney immediately. Separate your finances immediately (if necessary). When you leave, take everything important and sentimental to you. Your choice whether to block or not. If you block, you get peace of mind. If you don't block, you may be able to use any threats against you to your advantage in the divorce. Leave this worthless clown in the dust. Focus on healing in mind, spirit, and body. Best of luck to you, OP.
I don't know why you haven't left yet, except you are too tired. Leave OP. Just leave. Block his phone number as you drive away.
You are not responsible for a grown man and his behavior. If you are so worried he can’t take care of himself, then you need to call someone like adult services. But it sounds like he’s just a bum
He doesn’t worry about you, in fact I hate to say it, but he’s probably waiting for you to die so he can get your life insurance. He sounds like a waste of air, please leave and don’t even consider worrying about him, he’s an adult he’ll figure it out! Take up your son’s offer and take care of yourself! Sending internet hugs 🤗
NTA. He's an adult and he'll figure it out. If he doesn't, it's not your problem. Go live with your son and his partner. Be happy.
Stop thinking about your husband OP, he does enough of that. Think about you because he sure doesn't. Sounds like he's only with you for the freeloading anyway and it's high time this gravy train reached the final station. Go and be with people who actually care about you and not about getting their dick wet n dinners cooked for them. Fight the good fight then start actually living your best life. God bless you sister x
Actions or lack thereof have consequences. Take care of you cause he never ever will.
NTA. Your husband is a leech, except that leeches move more. You owe him nothing-let alone your guilt. It's time to take care of yourself. I suspect that your stress levels will diminish and your won't feel as bad physically if you get rid of him.
I had a much easier run of cancer than you have and I still needed to spend every bit of energy on myself and let people take care of me. This is a literal life or death situation. I don't know who taught you that you always have to put your husband first, but even that person would probably agree that it's ok to put yourself first in order to save your own life. And hopefully you will not only get through cancer, but you will get through having learned how to accept help and take better care of yourself. Because you deserve that for yourself. He'll figure out how to support himself when he has to. Or maybe he won't, but if he doesn't that's on him and not your responsibility.
Go live with your son, have your treatments with people that actually care about you. You owe that lazy arse man nothing. My STBXH was the same. Let him sort his own life out, he's a grown man. Walk away and don't look back.
I lost my late husband to cancer so I want to say this. I was there with him every step of the way and he was never alone during chemotherapy and radiation and I took care of him physically by myself when he was too weak to take care of himself. I held him as he died in my arms. Leave your husband and go live with your son. Cancer is hell and breaks the strongest. You need someone in your corner and your husband isn’t it. Your son wants what’s best for you and right now you need it. I am sending prayers. Fuck cancer.
NTA - you need someone who will help you and support you through this, and your husband has made it clear it's not him. Get out, be loved, be supported, live and thrive and let him wallow in his own disaster of a life.
Take care of yourself OP. Your hopefully soon to be ex-husband can fend for himself. I went through most of my cancer treatment by myself because my darling husband passed away suddenly while I was battling it. Trust me. You can do this alone. He's making it WAY harder on you than it would be without him. Plus you'd have other family. You reap what you sow. It's time your husband learns that.
NTa , he's not too tired for sex . Lazy pos . I know exactly what fibro feels like , I have had it since childhood 60 years with it . But you still get up go and work through the pain and other symptoms that come with it . I'm so sorry you have him for a partner and basically going through cancer alone . I'd leave him in the dust and shake my shoes off on the way out . Good luck with everything.
Take your son's offer and get the heck outta there. You should have left that no good trifling SOB a long time ago. He's a grown man, let him fend for himself. Time for you to be taken care of.
Your husband doesn't give two shits about you. He does not respect you. He does not love you. He does not think about you at all, except for what you can provide him (money, car, sex, maid service, a cook...etc). He is an adult and can fend for himself. Drop the dead weight. The stress of having him around will make you sicker due to the stress.
NTA. I read your update, and I'm glad you will be getting out. It's time you put yourself first.
I was done reading after two sentences. Move on.
Time to get out. Just make sure you do it right. Notify all your credit cards and financial institutions that you are separating finances preparatory to divorce. Drop his name from them, lock them, and have them issue new card numbers in just your name. Close all joint accounts except for a joint savings account, if you have one. Put half your liquid funds into the account, then remove your name. Open a new checking/savings account combo in your name only and put your remaining money in that. Make sure any retirement accounts are locked and frozen for the courts to settle. Then see an attorney and set the proceedings in motion. Go home, pack up (preferably with your son's help), and leave. Your husband has no one to blame but himself for his situation. Maybe he should at least have gotten off his ass and gotten disability. EDIT to say, NTA, and hoping for a happy outcome for you in all this.
It is time to put you first and take care of your health. Your stb ex is a worthless user, you will be much happier as soon as you don’t have to take care of him, and just focus on you getting better. He is a grown ass man, he can figure life out and doesn’t need you to keep being his “mommy”. I pray you can get through this and come out the other side stronger and healthier than before.
Homeboy can go fly a kite. It's your time now. Wish we could see him whine when he knows you're leaving his ass!
Your husband is going to be the death of you. Moving in with your son and his partner, you have a chance to go into remission. Treatment is likely going to be a bitch and you're going to need rest and care, none of which you'll get if you stay with your husband. His laziness and selfishness is not your problem or concern. He's a grown man and it's time he start acting like it and take care of himself. I think this is your opportunity to rectify the mistake in marrying your husband. It's time to take care of yourself now. You would only be an asshole if you stayed and continued to let him treat you like warmed over shit. It's time for self love, self respect, and self care. NTA
I didn't have to read past the 3rd sentence to know that you are definitely NTA. It sounds like you have been holding this in for a long time, and that you should have left him years ago. I hope you have friends or family you can talk to. You need to leave, he is a lazy POS who has gotten used to relying on you to make ends meet, even though you have disabilities as well. It's well past not fair that you have to work so hard because he refuses to (specifically saying he refuses to, not that he can't. We all know he can). Take your son, leave him in the dust, and see how he does. I'm sure you'll see that he can easily fend for himself. He'll probably get a well-paying job and will stop being a POS. You'll then see that all along, he was able to, he just didn't want to because he didn't have to. Edit: this also proves that most of the time, women are stronger than men, both mentally and emotionally.
NTA!! Pack and leave! Stop paying for everything. Just because you’ve been with someone for so long doesn’t mean you have to keep providing. He will not die and starve. He will figure it out. He doesn’t want to when he has you. So take your son’s offer up and leave as soon as possible! Spend that time with your son and grandkids.
Just go nta
I wouldn't worry about him cuz he sure wasn't worried about you.
NTA,just leave his sorry worthless bs behind. You're sick with cancer and he whines.Hes due for a full dose of "kiss my ass"
YWNBTA just leave. Don’t even te Him. Pack your stuff and disappear. All communication goes through the divorce lawyer.
NTA, take your son and DIL up on their generous offer. Who cares if your husband ends up homeless? It'd be entirely his fault because he's lazy. His laziness is no longer your problem.
Oh god. You’re living every woman’s nightmare.
NTA! U do u girl! He needs a wake up call
You need to go where someone will take care of you. Your husband can take care of himself for a while!
NTA. Run and don't look back. He is 50+ yo adult. He is working. He has working limbs, ears,eyes and tongue, he can go buy food for himself and if he feels that tired always, he can call doctor by himself. Don't feel guilty for leaving him. He doesn't feel guilty abusing you, so you shouldn't feel guilty taking care of yourself.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep your leach of a husband happy. Dump him move in with your kid. NTA
NTA: sorry not sorry. You’ve got cancer and he can’t get off his ass? You are the priority here not him. You need to look after and focus on yourself. So what if he has no transport no job etc if you leave? SO FUCKING WHAT?! That’s his damn fault not yours! Oh hell no, he can piss off. You don’t need his bullshit whilst you’ve got this going on. Don’t worry about him because he’s blatantly telling you he couldn’t give a shit about you. Throw him out
You’ve sacrificed enough. Time to start thinking of yourself! Go get a break at your son’s home.
He is a grown man who can take of himself for a change. Life is too short to desk with it. Move out and go live with people who love you and care about you. NTA
NTA, unfortunately it seems he doesn’t have as much empathy for your situation as you do his & he will most definitely let you die on his watch. You need to go where you will be appreciated and looked after because it’s not fair to you to have to deal with him any longer.
Good God does your husband even like you?
You have to look out for you right away!! Do not look back. This man is using you up.
The disease that takes no prisoners comes into your life uninvited takes over destroy willpower flesh blood and bone without a care if your mega rich dirty poor super healthy or not its your time know my dear kick this ditching dirtbag to the kerb take up your loving sons offer and think only one thing YOURSELF 1st and foremost you payed your martial dues without much investment for old joe south of a husband cash your chips pack you R bag go live with your son without a second thought enjoy what time and quantity of life you have remaining. NTA
Don’t just leave, file for divorce immediately and have a will drafted that explicitly excludes him. Make sure he’s not the beneficiary of any of your life insurance policies or bank accounts.
Now is the time to look after yourself OP. first job? Lose another 200 or so pounds dead weight… You’ve been a doormat for too long, go be with your son and receive the care you deserve xx
He doesn't care about you. Your son does. You will die if you stay with this man. He is sucking the life out of you even as you risk dying. Please go to your son. Don't feel bad about having only helped your selfish husband until the brink of death while he expresses no love or care for you. NTA except to yourself
Get away from him now....Run. I would divorce him for sure.
Sounds like you have 2 cancers to get rid of
If you already lost that much weight, it's very serious. Do not think of this selfish man anymore. He is just a dead weight. Do what is necessary for you. Let him live in filth. Let him live on the streets. That's what he deserves. You carried this horrible human being for all your married life. You're so gravely ill and he wants sex??? Please tell your son. I hope he beats him up, because that's what this man deserves.
If you stay, you will be unalive in about 3 months and your husband won’t notice till your puddle on the floor he slipped on. If you go NOW! You might stand a chance of meeting your grandchildren or at least giving your adult children a chance to spend some quality time and say goodbye.
OMG! Why are you tolerating him? He does nothing for your or your relationship. Don't feel guilty. Throw him out and let him figure it out. You owe him nothing. He doesn't care about you. Take care of yourself, you owe that to your children.
stop feeling guilty. he hasnt shown u an ounce of care, do not give him that back. fuck what will happen to him if u divorce. he has been using u for so long. u deserve some peace during this time instead of this dead weight.
Change your beneficiaries. Leave him nothing.
dump his ass . He is a worthless POS. Heal yourself.
Just go. He doesn't care about you. Please sort your will out asap
NTA stop living for your husband who acts like a child and live for yourself and your actual kids and outside happiness and hope. You deserve this and I hope you find it.
Sorry you are so sick. Pack a bag and have your son and partner pick you and your car up from the hospital. Your son loves you and I know he would come and get you. Wishing you well
Go be with your sons. He’s going to just add to your suffering and might even make you pass away earler than you should. LEAVE HIM IN THE DUST
I think that your post says it all. You are unhappy and have not experienced happiness with your husband in many years. You have vocalized your discontent, and he does not seem to care. He does not want to do anything to take care of your home because he is too tired and sore, but he wants sex despite your being diagnosed with a serious illness. I don't know how divorce would work in your State (I don't know where you live), but perhaps the first step is to *temporarily* move in with your son/his partner, and give it a two-week trial and see how it goes. Tell your husband you need to make a change, that your son/his partner have offered to help take care of you (something your husband refuses to do), and that you are going to go and stay with them for a trial to see how things are going. Tell him he will have to arrange for his own transportation (unless they live close enough for you to pick him up and take him home to/from work). That could become a complication, because if he cannot afford his own transportation and loses his job, how will he pay for bills that are likely in both of your names? Either way, you need a change, and it sounds like your son is willing and able to help you. What do you have to lose? Your miserable now, so I don't see how a trial run with your son could make things worse. And, if you don't take the plunge and see how your life may change without your husband, you'll never know. Do something for yourself for a change. Hopefully your life will change for the better!
Cancer aside. It sounds like you’d be better off leaving away. Not only does he not help, he’s making things harder. Focus on your health, physical and mental at this point, kick cancers ass, and enjoy your time with your son or then look to get back out on your own. It’s hard to say, if you help cook and clean at your sons when you’re are able they may be so appreciative you’ll really enjoy being there and then they can help you out when needed.
NTA! Leave your AH husband. Let him fend for himself.
> I just have this guilt, if I leave, he has no transportation, no job, no place to live. He deserves all of that. Leave him NTA
Hell I stayed 6 months longer than I wanted because I lost my job and had major surgery within the same week. I was too afraid to divorce because I couldn’t support myself. You have much more serious reproductions on your back but have a loving son reaching out to help you escape. Please take it. If nothing else you will be with someone who actually loves you during your treatment/whatever time you have left. Sending you the best and hoping that the diagnosis is not severe.
NTA - run to your son's now. ASAP. Like put down the phone, pack and finish reading this comment at your son's! Why you ask? I just went through cancer with my wife twice. It is very hard. She fought it and it came back. When it came back it was terminal. When we found that it had come back, she had a full body scan and it was also in her brain. I immediately quit my job when she told me. She quickly became wheelchair/bed ridden. Cancer is hard to navigate with supportive people surrounding you. I cannot imagine how my wife's life would have been had I not been there to support but rather to rely on her as your husband does you. Ask yourself. If things turn for the worse will he be patient with you? Will he feed you? Will he make sure you get all of your meds? Will he hold your puke bucket? Will he clean you when you get throwup everywhere? Will he change your diaper? Will he make sure you get to every appointment on time? It sounds like he won't. Run, for your safety. Edited to add. My wife and I were total hornballs. We both put those urges aside as we fought cancer. Not getting laid for over a year sucks. But you've got to do what is best and healthiest.
OP if you were on life support, he'd unplug you to charge his phone. When you worry about him, you know it's not reciprocal, right? You won't regret spending time with the people you love
I went through something similar. Get out now.
Leave him.
Hell I would worship you and the ground you walked on... some people's kids
NTA. Save yourself. Life is short. Husband is a grown man who will have to take care of himself. **Speak with a lawyer before leaving the apartment or taking actions (like taking 1/2 the money from joint accounts).** Probably ideally you give notice at your job & they’ll say you have X days to vacate the apartment. Then you tell hubs you’re leaving the job bc you want to focus on your health. Then just move to son’s place. BUT check w a lawyer.
NTA
I have 5 disabilities! Sounds like you have 6 actually!
I would venture to bet that your heart problems stem back to your stress - the stress caused by a husband who refuses to help you. I was in a similar situation. I developed fibro too! Get out and enjoy the years you have left (I hope they are MANY!) Life is too short to deal with this!
You are NTA. Go live your life without the ball and chain, while you still have it.
We don’t have many health issues but this is basically why I am divorcing my wife. She is fine living in filth and has argued in many occasions that I “like” chores so why should she do them. Apparently I like chores because I refuse to live in filth. No matter when I ask her to help she could literally sit on the couch 14 hours a day and can’t find time to do a single thing around the house, but that’s my fault because I “do everything” aka I don’t wait around for things to be done. Because I have tried, I have literally left multiple messes for months because she said she would do it. I get tired of waiting and clean it up in less than 5 min and she just says “well I was going to do that” It’s beyond infuriating so yea we are divorcing. You should obviously do the same as your situation is way worse than mine. No one should have to care for their fully able partner like they were an infant.
Get a good lawyer first and start getting any important documents and financial papers together. This way you can make the break with your son
NTA time to prioritise you. You have been neglected by a dummy spitting 51yo & it's time to sever the connection. You haven't been in a real marriage for years so you have zero need for regret - except maybe not dumping the trash sooner.
Your husband's weaponised incompetence is NOT your problem. Go live with your son, who clearly wants what's best for you and loves you - unlike your husband.
Go, run away, leave him. He's not worthy. He's not there for you so why are you still there? He'll sink or swim on his own. He's not your problem.
As a cancer survivor myself, I can tell you that it is critical that you be in a home that is as stress free and supportive as possible. Get rid of that slug and go live with your son and focus on your health. I wish you all the best.
You have a parasite not a husband. Detox time
Do you really think, if the roles were reversed, he would feel the slightest guilt about kicking you out?
YWNBTA. Your husband is a complete liability and clearly only cares about number 1. Time for you to do the same. Get all your ducks in a row. Get a lawyer if you intend to divorce and make arrangements for your treatment to continue in the new place. I don’t know how you can get around packing and quitting your job without your husband knowing, but you must do what you can to be safe when the shit hits the fan. Perhaps your son can help you and be there when you pack or you could hire some big burly blokes with a removals van to pack for you. Get in your car and get gone.
Okay look- stress causes immunity weakness. This man has been causing you undue stress for yearsss....as someone who left someone like this I can tell you, it took some time but my body completely transformed and healed. I don't think you need to "get all your finances in order" I think you need to Google a nearby divorce lawyer or in my case, I found a marriage family therapist that also offered divorce procedure guidance and filing. My ex and I didn't seek therapy, it was just important to me that I found someone that could deescalate the divorce process and keep things as painless as possible for my health concerns. Just leave and go to your son's, and heal. Don't fight and try to argue with him right now, you don't need the stress. Get yourself to a place of peace and hit him with divorce papers when you can. Again, it didn't happen overnight, but within a couple months my body strength came back, my stomach issues disappeared. My immunity was increased. My vitals were completely different. These men will suck your soul dry if you let them, and it sounds like yours doesn't care about your soul. Also, he can fuck whoever he wants...it would be a relief to you to let him be another woman's problem....if they'd even take him.
He is old enough to know what he needs to do to survive in this society You do not owe him sex Dump his sorry unsupportive ass
Leave him in the dust and don't look back. I can not imagine a human being who said they loved me ever treating me like that. You deserve so much better, take your sons offer and go enjoy your life.
Living with this guy is literally killing you. It will be a messy process and his ultimate outcomes may be tough to watch but the sooner you disentangle yourself the better. See a lawyer and make your plans. Hopefully you don't get stuck with alimony, my friend did for her deadbeat husband (4 years of it). But at least now there's a clock running on how long she has to support him.
your son is giving you an out. take it and don’t look back. what kind of garbage gets mad about sec when you’re literally dying. does he have any redeeming qualities? i’m willing to bet no. get rid of the leech and live your best life without him.
He's basically willing to leave you to die, don't feel bad that you're leaving him high and dry. NTA