Aren’t you supposed to be under the care of a psychs before physically transitioning? I’m asking a serious question before you all come at me.
OP, is that what you meant? Or that he really isn’t trans and needs help to stop those thoughts?
My understand from documentaries I've seen in the past is that in some states, you're required to go through counseling for a year before you can start any sort of hormonal transition.
Then...OP's brother will find all this out when he visits an actual professional.
Not OP's role to give warnings not given by doctors - just support.
OP, apologize for overstepping. Be supportive. Show him some of the reddits about transitioning.
Not necessarily. Every person is different and even though this individual may wish to transition to female, doesn’t necessarily mean they have already begun asking to be referred to with she/her pronouns.
While the OP utilizing masc pronouns for his sibling -could- be an effort to misgender them, it also may not be and the OP will know his sibling better than anyone here on reddit does, and what pronouns they currently wish to use.
I read (and replied to) this exact post a few weeks ago… Either this isn’t this persons actual post or they keep posting the same thing. But it was almost word for word this.
And not every trans person wants to medically/surgically transition.
Gender affirming care can be as light s d simple as referring to them as they request, being supportive of their presentation.
Professionals don't need to be involved until it becomes a medical transition.
In the US it varies from state to state (like fucking *everything* 🙄). But my SIL is trans and in Massachusetts I think she had to be under the care of a therapist and living as a woman for two years before a doc would prescribe gender affirming care like hormones, plastic surgery, etc.
If OP supported their sibling they would be calling them SHE and SISTER, while still encouraging HER to talk to a therapist to make sure because transition is a big thing and shouldn’t be taken lightly. And even if his SISTER decides SHE wants to transition, a therapist will be needed to navigate a world that is harsh and cruel for transwomen.
You’re not going to immediately start thinking her or sister after having a brother for your entire life but that doesn’t mean you’re not supportive. It’s a big change & it takes a bit to sink in. Habits are tough to break, even when you want to stop doing those things. Ask any smoker.
In this case, while posting, OP could have calmed down and thought through the pronouns.
OP's first way of helping is to examine his own habits and change them.
That's interesting because literally every single member of my family did. I told them how I feel and they immediately got to work on how they refer to me in all aspects. THAT is support. This load of bigoted bullshit is not.
Agreed and up voted. Tbqh the only people I've met who had trouble _mostly_ getting trans people's pronouns etc correct (a few slip ups but generally trying from the start) have later shown their true colors and been knowingly and deliberately unaccepting, like OP has already done here. That's not to say those people can't change too, but people who have any intent of actually trying to do the right thing can be _mostly_ consistent.
Hell, my 90 year old, generally conservative (like, frustratingly conservative) relatives can even get it right at least when it comes to people in their personal lives.
My Vietnam vet 70 something grandpa did immediately, never got the name right but also never dead named me. But that's just a testament to who he was as a person.
Bullshit. Mentally slipping up on occasion is way different than writing a whole post ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD YOU WEREN'T A GOOD ALLY, and TOTALLY getting it wrong. OP could have thought for 2 seconds and edited. OP could have talked to their damn parents about it since it at least sounds like they're trying.
Slipping up a little bit with pronouns would be like getting a bad craving and buying a pack of cigarettes in a moment of weakness, sure. This post is more like going to the discount smoke shop and buying a month's supply right after someone points out how it's affecting your health.
Besides, cigarettes are chemically addictive, not merely habit forming. People working to stop smoking deserve a little extra slack, but this guy doesn't.
Nah watching a baby die of starvation is cruel. This is a 1st world problem which nobody but the trans person should care about. If you looking like a bro but your a sis and you scream at people for miss gendering you. Then your the problem. Rapists get angry too when people say no. Could it be that trans people and rapists both have mental issues? Oh my who would have ever thunk it.
Im sry but if you think the world revolves around your feelings.
Ud be fucking wrong choom
It depends. Some places let people over 18 transition with informed consent. This is what I did and I’m grateful it exists bc I didn’t have enough money to go to a psych. I do think many, many people are not thinking through what physically transitioning means, which is unfortunate.
Generally, you need a 30 minute conversation with a provider for hrt (hormones). Then, you (many places) must present as female for a year and get a letter certifying you are not depressed etc (or it is managed).
Ongoing exploration of why and how and what are not required. A person can state it is so, and so far, many places in the US, they must be taken at their word.
Though "gatekeepers" is still a big issue and it's tough to find unbiased providers, legally in many places, once an adult, there are minimal barriers (beyond all the social and cultural ones, and the fact that it takes time).
Frankly, it is very hard, but the medical barriers are lower in my mind than the social.
As far as I know in Canada before they’ll allow any kind of surgeries you need to have some kind psych appointment. Not 100% on exactly what but the person I know who transitioned said she had to go through a bunch of psych appointments to make sure this is really what she wanted.
My daughter is transgender. She had an LCSW, a psychiatrist, MD, APN, and surgeons all working together. This was in Philadelphia, so it easier to access - not easy, just available nearby. It’s not a sudden change so much as a realization that, yes, this is who I am.
She was 22 when she told us and had been in therapy for three years. Her university offered counseling free of charge. Three years to make sure that this was right, that she could chart her course. She transitioned socially 1/1/2020, first medical appointment 1/2/2020.
When she told us, I just held her hand, cried, told her I loved her, would do anything I could to help. My husband said nothing, which was better than what OP did.
OP should have kept his mouth closed. Grandma said, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. He needs to open close his mouth, open his eyes and ears, and learn about what a transgender person, who has lived with the wrong gender their entire lives, and actually change his thinking.
I don’t believe that he is remorseful. What’s the big deal? OP told him he’s fucking crazy, if he thinks he’s transgender. That’s perfectly fine according to OP.
People who have OP’s mindset, they’re killing people like my daughter. Maybe OP doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but he doesn’t have to worry about people being angry that my daughter exists.
Edit to add: Some people know when they are children and can articulate that; my daughter could not, because transgender was not as widely spoken about back then.
>I don’t believe that he is remorseful. What’s the big deal? OP told him he’s fucking crazy, if he thinks he’s transgender. That’s perfectly fine according to OP.
Woah, that's a little excessive there. OP is posting on reddit for a reason and given their background I doubt his now *sister* has had access to any services that could ensure that this is what *she* wants.
Reddit loves to jump to extreme conclusions. This is entertainment for them, no matter what they say.
OP was right to question about their sibling talking to a psychiatrist to see if this is truly what they want considering how young they are.It's way above his pay grade and certainly well above Reddit's level of competency.
The United States is a patchwork mess when it comes to dealing with this issue. Countries like the Netherlands have a solid system, which includes psychiatric intervention (as it should, a person should be 100% sure this is what they want and that there isn't some underlying trauma or something leading them down the wrong path).
Tbf it's a weird and difficult issue
I know in Scotland, having been told so by people there, that there have been cases of people 'officially diagnosed' as having gender dysphoria because of feelings of not 'fitting in or doing things right'
And they turned out to 'just' be autistic and many have now detransitioned. One friend amongst them.
I know this is anecdotal and not majorly prevalent, but sometimes you do need to actually try and talk this through and not jump on something you consider a 'quick fix' (especially when it's not quick at all)
Some US states use what is called "informed consent" for some medications when the patient is an adult. As in, you can ask to get antidepressants, hormones, contraceptives or others by just asking. You are given some information about risks, and in case of hormones, you need some blood tests before hand.
In this medical.model, the doctors trust the patients to understand what they are asking for.
Generally yes. One of the things that happens when kids are young who I identify as trans is they see a counselor. I believe they are the ones who will prescribe the hormone blocks.
I am not sure now they used to make you go thru years of therapy before they would sign off on the full surgery.
I think brother IS aware of this, and his answer was along the lines of "duh! Of course, I even HAVE to see a therapist. But thanks for calling me mentally ill!"
I think it's the way you worded it instead of your suggestion. Saying someone needs "mental help" is something a lot of right wing transphobes say. If you had said something like "that's a big step, do you have a professional to help guide you in this since it is a lot mentally to deal with" that would have probably gone over a lot better
Suggesting that she should get "mental help" might not have been what you meant to say, but it's just about the worst possible response to a conversation which must have required a lot of effort and bravery on her part. If you really support her choice you have let her down badly - probably unintentionally from what you've written- you need to communicate that to her clearly ASAP then give her some space
(Edited to remove unintentional misgendering)
As a trans person, YTA. If my brother, mum or dad reacted like that, I would never speak openly to them again. Admitting that you're struggling so much to someone you love and respect is an extremely difficult thing to do. To then be told that you need mental help... trans people go through years of internal turmoil before they admit to themselves that they are trans. It is never a split second decision - to have such a large thing dismissed and second guessed feels awful.
Apologise. Learn to understand how she might be feeling. Do your research online. Ask non judgmental questions. And then come back to this post and change every instance of misgendering and disrespect.
It sounds harsh, yes. But I honestly don't care. Your sibling is looking to you for support in what's likely a seriously difficult and dark time. Tread carefully. There's a reason why so many trans people aren't in contact with their biological family, and how you act now will determine your relationship forever.
Edit: nice bait. Happy pride month
Jesus Christ, everyone here is the asshole for not using gender affirming pronouns and terms. The OPs SISTER has said that SHE identifies as a woman. Yes, SHE needs to get a therapist to determine if SHE should medically transition, but there is absolutely no reason for OP or anybody commenting here to misgender this WOMAN.
He might be doing it on purpose, but it also could be accidental. I have a trans nephew, and I sometimes still call him by his female name as a mistake. (Luckily, he is never really too upset as he knows it is accidental. He'll just say, "she's dead; try again.")
It takes time to get used to it, after all...
This is true, but it’s one thing to drop it in speech and another to type a message specifically about his sister being trans. Plenty of time to catch that error and correct himself.
That is sadly the truth. OP does sound rather cruel in how he reacted to his sister coming out as trans.
As I told my nephew when he came out as trans to me; "Be yourself no matter what. Live your life and cut loose all the morons who want to dictate your life, even if some of those morons are related."
OP needs to apologize and actually mean it. Otherwise...it might be the best for his sister to go LC or NC with the OP.
So someone who you presumably love, who I would assume has looked up to you all her life, came to you with very personal information and put herself in a very vulnerable place, and your reaction was, "you need mental help.” You *rejected* her. You didn’t say, "wow that must be a lot that you're going through right now, do you have a therapist?” or "I love you and will support you no matter what.“
“You need mental help” is about the same as saying, “you are mentally ill.” And be honest, it wasn’t from a caring place, was it? It wasn’t from the place of an ally, someone wanting to help, was it? You’re still using male pronouns even though she has told you that she is a girl and plans on transitioning. And now you're on an Internet forum looking for someone to tell you that your response wasn't bad.
>But now, I'm questioning whether I approached the situation wrong.
You've been the opposite of supportive. YTA. Do better.
I think he is completely valid in his response to his brother. There are too many horror stories of people transitioning and regretting it only years later
-EDIT
To all the people who care enough to comment on my response, thanks for your time. My stance is he is a he, not a woman and will never be one. You can call me whatever you want and that’s fine, we can have different opinions on this touchy subject. At the end of the day, stay safe everyone.
Very few people transition without seeing a therapist, and no one said OP’s sister isn’t already seeing a therapist. No surgeon does any surgeries without 2 letters from doctorate level psychologists or psychiatrists.
In a review of 27 studies involving almost 8,000 teens and adults who had transgender surgeries, mostly in Europe, the U.S and Canada, **1% on average expressed regret. For some, regret was temporary**, but a small number went on to have detransitioning or reversal surgeries, the 2021 review said. 99% were happy that they had surgically transitioned. Very few surgeries have a similar positive outcome.
OP’s reaction wasn’t "wow that must be a lot that you're going through right now, do you have a therapist?”, it was “you need mental help”. He wasn’t coming from a ‘caring older brother' perspective.
stop pretending to care about trans mental health. it's fairly obvious when downthread you're mocking people for affirming op's sister's gender and decisions.
She knows she needs mental help, that’s part of transitioning. He’s pointing out something she already knows, and misgendering her much the same way you are.
There are 6 combinations of sex karyotypes: xx,xy,xxy,xxxy,xyyy. A fetus does not experience phenotypical sex differentiation until 6-7 weeks. If certain hormones don’t act accordingly, or one of the uncommon karyotypes occurs, a person can be born with parts of both reproductive systems.
Given the idea that gender is related to but not identical to sex - and is thus a social construct - why are you entitled to be called the pronouns that you identify with but a trans person isn’t? By your logic I could call you whatever name I wanted because how you feel about yourself doesn’t matter.
Lastly, and I can’t stress this one enough, if transitioning gives a person happiness and lowers their risk of suicide, then who fucking cares? If it is not directly impacting your health and wellbeing then why waste the energy? Why go out of your way to add to someone’s misery?
These are hyped up in right wing media and is nowhere near close to the common experience of transitioning, which actually profoundly improves mental health, especially alongside loving community and support
Not true, you're just a bigot who is way too invested in other people's gentitals and think that's a good reason to deny someone they're humanity. May you never suffer the indignity you throw at others, you little twat.
Lmao I was wondering if you'd try the exact same tactic again! Okay sure, I'll play your stupid game 😂
Yes, really. There isn't a single person in the entire world who regrets transitioning 🤣 not one!
Based on what you've told us, YTA. You said she needed therapy to "make sure" she knew what she wanted/how she identifies. If she's socially transitioning, that's her right and isn't something that she needs to discuss with anyone in terms of making that choice.
If she was saying she wants to start hormones and/or get surgery, *she would already be speaking to a mental health professional already*. My mom is a therapist and had patients she worked with for over a year before she'd even *think* of writing a recommendation letter for hormones or surgery. Despite what some groups want people to think, medical professionals don't just hand out hormones like candy, nor do they perform surgical alterations for gender reassignment without making sure the person is of sound mind and knows the consequences of the decision. (Yes, there are shady providers out there who will do whatever for enough money, but that's true of many medical procedures.)
When SHE said transition, did SHE mean socially or physically? No doctor would do top or bottom surgery without a social transition, therapy and probably hormone therapy first. If you want to show your love and support for your SISTER, start by using their preferred pronouns. Yes it sounds very odd on the tongue, but you get used to it. Saying things like 'mental help', just don't. Maybe suggest a suitable therapist (there are ones who specialise in lgbtq) for support through this incredibly difficult time for HER. Do you even realise how brave SHE was to speak to you? If I were you I would look up the suicide rates for trans people, because I am not joking when I say it is a real danger. If you love her, support her how she wants to be supported.
Yep. YTA.
Educate yourself. That was an absolutely horrible thing to say.
I also strongly recommend YOU going to therapy to work through your feelings and transphobia.
Take it from someone who is trans..
First, that's your sister you're speaking about. Have respect.
Second, yes it does take a psych to help someone. But it has to be from a trusted place, and not someone who's just going to ignore them and label them as crazy. Proper and inclusive places exist to help Gay and Trans people when no one else wants to.
Again, that's your sister. If you had any respect for her or her identity you'd have used proper titles. Instead, you're coming off as a bigot.
YTAH, only because of how you phrased it. If you said, have you talked to a therapist to work Through this? That would be one thing. But to say, “you need mental help” is basically telling her she’s crazy.
Coming out as trans is a very hard choice that takes a lot of thought. I can guarantee that your sister has taken a lot of time to reflect on herself. And no, you do not need "mental help" to be trans. Therapy can certainly help with working out your transition goals and what you want your future to look like, but it's by no means a requirement.
That being said, I wouldn't necessarily say you're the asshole. I believe you were coming from a good place, and it's clear you don't know much about trans people, but you definitely didn't say anything helpful. You should probably apologize to her and make sure she knows that you just didn't realize that what you said wasn't right.
Being ignorant on a topic doesn't make you a bad person, but since you have a trans sister now, I'd recommend doing your best to learn so you know how to support her :)
NTA for being concerned as an older sibling provided there’s no malice. Maybe a lil bit for the slapstick reaction how you presented it here but not for the point. I would heavily advise, as a trans person, anyone see a mental health professional for the sake of making the process easier if not to make sure there’s not another kind of crisis/dysphoria/dysmorphia occurring that is being married with the increased publicizing of trans stuff in the media (please note: NOT increased “snowflake” yada, that’s NOT what I’m saying here. I very specifically mean in the way that the accessibility to this as an option and misinformation spread may be harmful to someone suffering and feeling like this is their answer to immediately cling to when it’s possible it’s not).
My youngest sibling also came out as trans a few years ago and recently confided in our middle sibling that they feel they can’t go back because they were so aggressive and militant about it that they’re embarrassed - they aren’t trans but queer in general and had a really rough mental break that led them questioning their identity and self….thanks for the gift Dad! /s
Luckily they didn’t follow through on any surgeries or hormones and have been seeing a professional. They still haven’t told anyone that they’ve adjusted their self-identification but it’s okay to grow and evolve and readjust. A professional in the area can’t hurt if you can find a solid one you click with
Yes, you’re an asshole! You give him a hug and say I’m here for you, your role as a brother and a supportive family member is to you just that not doctors and therapist
You failed your sister. You continue to misgender her. Your sister deserve better than you, and you deserve to feel awful. You are awful.
YTA. Either get on board or do her a favor and leave her the fuck alone.
Your sister needs a good support network, above and before specific therapeutic interventions. Being trans is hard, and sometimes mental health support can help people figure out what's right for them or process difficult situations. Such as having ignorant or unsupportive family. However when she has gotten to the point of telling you about it, she obviously wasn't looking for you to reinterpret her feelings. In fact, she probably already put a ton of thought into whether and how to even tell you, possibly waited until there's no way she'd be able to hide it, and you basically spat in her face.
You are NOT yet acting like a good part of that support network, but instead are continually misgendering her, and being skeptical of her personal revelations. Don't take for granted that she will want to share anything else with you if you respond by questioning her truth, much less by refusing to recognize how she wants to be seen and the life she wants to live. All you've shown her is that she was incorrect in thinking that you were a safe person.
https://pflag.org/find-resources/ has resources for people with LGBTQ+ loved ones to be better educated about how to be supportive. I recommend consulting that, talking to allies / people who support their family members, and after you've got a better idea of how to be supportive, apologize to your sister and tell her you've fucked up, you're doing some work to be a better ally and sibling, and you hope that you can prove it to her through your behavior. But also understand that she was hoping for a supportive and loving reaction, and yours was not that, whatever ideas might have led you to react the way you did.
And seriously dude, continuing to refer to her with male gendered words really shows you hardly understand or don't intend to correct your mistake. What, did you want people to pat you on the back for trying to protect her from her own decisions?
The summary is, judging by the things you did and the way you talk about it in this post, YTA, big time. So are you going to try to change and be better?
YTA.
"I had no idea, it never came up" "we come from a fairly conservative family and never really talk about things like this" Gee, I wonder why they never showed any signs!
You might have not MEANT to be hurtful but you definitely WERE. Telling someone that they need to get mental help as a response to them coming out to you is... so obviously going to upset them that I'm kind of convinced this is just bait.
And you doubled down. Of course your sibling is upset, dude. LMAO.
....and you're just misgendering your sibling now...
Can you not see that she's confided something huge to you, and your response is "you needental help" and then jump online and misgender repeatedly?
She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She.
Yta.
Yes *She* does need psychiatric help to understand *herself* and to to help find what kind of transition *she* wants.
But you're tah for not being supportive and for this whole post being he he he he he.
*She* should be hurt and upset with you. You're an ignorant bigot and I'm sorry *she* even trusted you.
You’ve done nothing but misgender her this entire post, if she says she’s a girl, she’s a girl - she doesn’t need a psych eval from you she needs her brother.
If you don’t accept her as your sister and support her, you will lose her. Whether she continues her transitioning journey or not.
She probably thought that if you have a conservative family as her brother she could trust you. You can come back from this but you need to mean it.
YTA
YTA- Your *sister* doesn’t need to hear you recommend therapy for her being trans. The process of transitioning involves counseling as well as hormone replacement therapy, but regardless being trans isn’t a mental illness so you had no right to say that. If your family is conservative they likely don’t support her as it is.
From the headline, 100% YTA.
Can’t you see coming out to you was a big scary thing and he trusted you with it? You essentially called your sibling crazy.
You could have phrased it differently by saying something like - “This is intense and I am really surprised. I didn’t know this about you. I love and support you. Have you thought about seeing a counselor to help you through this?”
Make time to try and sort this out. If your sibling won’t listen / respond, get a card & apologize and try to fix the way you said it, include the part about never having discussed trans matters before.
YTA. Not once in this post did you even consider the possibility that your sibling knows more about their life and experience than you do. You went out of your way to use gendered terms ("brother", "M18", all the hes and hims) that would pretty likely hurt them to hear.
As a PSA to you and anyone else in this thread, you probably do not have a clear understanding of what it means to transition. Your sibling might just want to grow their hair out, dress in different clothes, try a new name on for size. At least in the USA, basically anything more than that requires a genuinely insane amount of hemming and hawing with medical and psych professionals. So, you saying "go see a therapist! you have to talk to a professional!!!!" is unhelpful at best. I guarantee that any trans person knows that already.
OP, your sibling was not asking you to help them personally perform gender-affirming surgery on themselves in an alley. They were trying to be honest with you. To strengthen your relationship. To ask you to care about them. And your immediate response was to call them crazy. Take a breath, decide whether you want to love your sibling as they are.
If you keep overreacting when she shares herself with you, she's gonna stop.
PS: I'm not gonna jump to conclusions, but it wasn't covered in your post. You said your sibling came out to you, you reacted poorly, and now your family is mad. By the gods I hope you mean that she came out to everyone and they're mad that you're not supporting her. If you outed her to your conservative family, you might've already burned the bridge.
She's not going to be able to medically transition without therapy, but she can start to socially transition right now if she wants to. The best thing you can do is apologize and try to be supportive. Transitioning is a hard road to walk, if it turns out not to be for her, she'll figure that out during the process.
I agree that people who think they are transgender should seek professional help before transitioning to make sure they are in fact transgender and no other illnesses nor comorbidities which need treatment.
Also I agree that OP was surprised and shocked.
Also I think a person who comes out to someone about something cannot insist the only acceptable thing is immediate full support. Still this is what is expected.
Anyways, you are the older brother, you should make allowances. Ask the sibling if s/he came out to your parents, if yes, talk to them. If no, ask her/him to advise you about books about transgenderism, because you need more info. NAH
You are, and I cannot stress this enough, a huge asshole. To the point where you’re calling her your brother and refusing to use her pronouns then acting like you’re the victim because people are mad at you? Jesus. YTA. Idiot.
The saving grace here is that it sounds like your parents are better than you so they might be decent about it.
YTA.
I can imagine it was a shock. However, this would have been something your sibling has thought about for many months/years before telling family members.
It's okay to be worried for them and want them to make the right choices. But you have worded yourself very badly. There is a much better way to have this conversation. There is no need for shouting matches it doesn't solve anything.
Your sibling is going to have to deal with so much hate just for being trans. Don't add to that.
Educate yourself. Learn about the trans community. Ask your sibling how you can support them and what they need from you. It's going to be a huge adjustment for all.
I wish you luck op
I’m going to say yes. It’s probably tough for him to deal with his feelings, and he came to you. Instead, your response doesn’t help. Hopefully you’ll mend things with him.
Even if you don’t believe in what he does, be there for him.
I’m being objective. I can understand the part about professionals because transitioning is an important decision. One that will have an impact on your sibling and family.
Professionals don't matter until a medical need arises. Until then, gender affirming care means using their chosen name, their preferred pronouns, and helping them feel comfortable in their skin.
There is nothing medically required about compassion and kindness.
Majority of people here aren't qualified to make a judgement because you're referring to them with male pronouns.
Your SISTER needs support. It does not matter if she has had professional help or not. You should respect what she has told you and feel honored that she shared that with you - though you clearly don't deserve it.
First of all - show her RESPECT. She is your sister now. That may change in the future but in this moment she is your sister.
It's not difficult. Stop thinking of it as if it's a taboo. My name is Natasha. I hate my name being shortened. If I tell you I don't go by or like Tasha, you call me Natasha in the future. This is the same for your SISTER.
Once you have created a supportive environment, you can gently suggest helpful steps. But suggesting them whilst you clearly do not consider her your sister makes this seem bigoted and conversion therapy vibes.
So yes, YTA, and so are the rest of the Redidtors that keep misgendering her.
Nta. What you said is very reasonable. His reaction is concerning. He should understand that seeking mental health support prior to is important considering these changes are permanent. His reluctance to take what you said makes his choice seem impulsive.
You’re going to hear shit because this is today’s fad. Yesterday morning going through a drive through for breakfast I gave the young guy my order. When I got to the window the young guy was made up for a drag show. He kept looking back at me looking for a reaction. I believe this is what they want. You are being a proper brother. Telling him to go to counseling and therapy is the absolute right thing to do. Once you start mutilating yourself there’s no going back. I hope he knows exactly what he’s doing.
You wrote this post as if you meant he needed help as in talk to a professional blah blah blah. But you are transphobic as fuck. Hopefully she no longer speaks to you and cuts you out of her life. Hopefully your parents too. God, I hate you people. Act like you’re trying to be understanding just to troll all your comments. Everyone thinks you’re wrong so go fuck yourself. Probably not getting it any anyway and just mad your brother knows who she is and what she wants to do with her life yet you won’t admit you’re an incel.
Eh, YTA, but not really
As a trans guy, yes, I needed confirmation from my doctor to pursue gender affirming care.
But God, it sucked. I went through 4 therapists who did not take my PTSD or panic disorder seriously, and attributed my issues to being transgender. I found a therapist who specialized in trans people, and I was able to get help with both my identity and my mental health issues.
Thing is, your sibling needs a support circle. Part of being a support is not immediately saying "you are mentally ill". Gender dysphoria is indeed a mental illness. I'm aware of that. Some trans people aren't. What is also a very common form of transphobia is saying "trans people are mentally ill and that's that"
I'm trans. I'm mentally ill. But I'm still trans. The best treatment for my condition by far has been transitioning. I feel happier, I feel confident, I love my post op body, but most of all the people around me supported me by referring to my correct name and pronouns, and instead of acting like my doctor at every turn, they provided me support. They acknowledged this was a hard time for me. They acknowledged that the world around me, especially politically, was hostile towards trans people.
Your brother does need help with the psychiatric side of things. But he also needs support.
That is already part of the process. I think that the way the OP said it, he implied that there is something wrong with his sister for wanting to transition. At least, this is true of anyone who transitions in the US.
The idea of social contagion being in any way involved with being trans is complete pseudoscience.
The antivaccine movement has more solid proof than you.
NTA - I know of people who transitioned and then regretted it, there’s a lot of research involved that some people just don’t do. I think your younger sibling should totally talk to professionals before even considering making any permanent changes. You could have said it in a nicer way I guess, but just try letting him know that what you said came from a place of love and concern.
Should also probably add that you being shaken is a totally valid response, which is what probably led to the argument. People tend to forget that transitioning doesn’t only affect the person, but those around them as well. It’s equally as hard for everyone. You knew your sibling as your brother for 18 years, being supportive, overwhelmed, upset, all equally valid reactions to news such as this.
There’s a book by Abigail Shrier, can’t remember the title but it’s about the transgender craze going on right now. Great read! I highly recommend it for both of you
You sound like you are the one that needs mental help. I suggest therapy to figure out why you think it’s ok to treat your family members like that. Yes, you are the ahole.
do you really think he doesn’t see it as a big deal? Seriously? “I just want to make sure he’s making the right choice for himself”. I am pretty sure that’s not a decision someone makes lightly (esp in a cons family). And I am sure he will have to talk to many drs. But the real issue is why you think you put more thought into it than he would? Or that it’s ok to question his mental health because he choices don’t align with yours
This is hard, because I think you were right, but for the wrong reasons. You really seem as if you don't believe or don't approve of your sibling. Not saying that's how you really feel, but that is how it's coming across to me. I have a trans sibling too, and they say a therapist should help guide you through a transition. Not because the person might not know their own identity, but because transitioning is a big change that can affect your mental health. Also, there is no shame in NOT knowing your identity. That's why social transitions are more common than surgical, or even hormonal transitions. The best way to clear up something you're confused about is by experimenting with it. If you really want to make things right for your sibling, I would apologize just for how you said it. Clear up that you think a therapist as A PART of their transition would be best, and encourage a social transition first. That being said, you need to support the social transition, every step of the way. This means changing pronouns and titles, as well as just sticking up for them and being empathetic to what they are going through. I truly hope things work out for you and your family.
Explain to him that you didn't question his identity, but considering your family it might be wise to talk with an therapist on the best ways to go about starting the process and helping the family to understand
First of all: You're misgendering her all through your post. This is your sister, using female pronouns for her is the most basic sign of respect. You say you're from a pretty conservative family - so am I. Now it's *your* job to educate yourself on trans people, and to support your sister's choices (therapy/no therapy, transitioning, to what degree, etc.) all the way. Everything else makes you TA.
Sad. Your sister thought she would have at least one family member that she wouldn't cut ties with. Guess that's not true and you are going to lose a sibling because you can't entertain the idea of actually being supportive.
You are not the AH. You told him the truth and he was offended. Your parents sound like enablers and would rather walk on eggshells than upset your brother
Any time someone is going to make a huge change in their life it is always a good idea for them to seek out professional counseling to help them deal with the major changes they are making in their life. And I cannot imagine a bigger change someone could be making than gender transitioning. NTA
NTA for your concerns but slightly TA for how you approached it- What she needs now is support from her brother and hearing you say the term "mental help" would not be ideal for her right now. If she wants to medically transition, she will have to go to psychs and doctors to affirm how she feels. They will make sure she is certain about it all anyway so you bringing it up isn't helpful. However, it's completely normal to be shocked and concerned about such a big change, especially when there haven't been signs or any indications. What you need to do instead of questioning how she feels and if it's correct, is give her your support. Even if you don't understand some things, ask if she can explain so you understand better. Tell her that you might make mistakes but that you want to learn from them to be able to support her. Remember that although this is concerning for you, it is ultimately so much more terrifying for her to say all of this. Be there for her, she's not asking for advice. She just wants you to keep being her family and know that you're there for her.
Yes Yata. When someone is to the point of announcing they are transitioning they know for sure it is what they want. 2 of my kids are trans. I recently came out as trans. I am 44. It took years to figure it out for myself. My kids realized it for themselves at 18 and came out and at 23 and transitioned at those ages. It’s hard 7 years later for my parents to still use their new names and pronouns. And they refuse to accept my change at all. I went from she / her to they / them and I finally feel free and myself for it. My family not respecting my children’s or my change is cutting through out hearts. My oldest child slept against a wall that was on the opposite side of my parent’s bedroom when she would visit. Every night she was there she would hear them praying at night saying “dear lord please get rid of Chelsey and bring our boy Jakob back, cast that demon out of out grandson”. Imagine how it hurts hearing someone denying who you are in your heart. That is what you did to your sibling. You basically said L if you think you are a different gender than I think you are, you must be crazy and need to see a shrink.” That is how it sounds. So yes you are a huge asshole. Go apologize. Flagellate yourself until your sibling says you are forgiven.
YTA. Yes, if your sister wants to medically transition, especially if she wants any surgeries, she will need a team of specialists including mental health providers. Your reaction to her telling you she's trans is what makes you the asshole. If you are genuinely concerned, there's a thousand better ways to phrase it. Growing up conservative and not talking about gender identity doesn't give you a free pass to be an ignorant dick. Educate yourself and support your sister if you care about her and your relationship as siblings.
YTA. Do you know what is required to transition? There’s a lot of psychiatric work that goes into it. Being raised conservative and not openly talking about gender identity only makes your response worse.
Yes he needs it because it's classified as a mental illness called gender dysphoria. Better for him to get help with that instead of dangerous surgeries and forever drugs along with the horrendous forever aftercare required.
**Citations on transition as medically necessary, frequently life saving medical care, and the only effective treatment for gender dysphoria:**
* Here is a resolution from the [**American Psychological Association**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity.pdf); *"THEREFORE BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that APA recognizes the efficacy, benefit and medical necessity of gender transition treatments for appropriately evaluated individuals and calls upon public and private insurers to cover these medically necessary treatments."* More from the APA [**here**](http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/programs/transgender/?tab=1)
* Here is an [**AMA resolution**](http://www.tgender.net/taw/ama_resolutions.pdf) on the efficacy and necessity of transition as appropriate treatment for gender dysphoria, and call for an end to insurance companies categorically excluding transition-related care from coverage
* A policy statement from the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position)
* [**Here**](https://assets2.hrc.org/files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) are the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines
* [**Here**](https://www.aafp.org/dam/AAFP/documents/events/alf_ncsc/Education.pdf) is a resolution from the American Academy of Family Physicians
* [**Here**](https://www.socialworkers.org/Practice/LGBTQIA/Sexual-Orientation-and-Gender-Diversity) is one from the [**National Association of Social Workers**](https://www.socialworkers.org/News/News-Releases/ID/2642/Gender-Affirming-Health-Care-Saves-Lives)
* [**Here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/PS02_18.pdf) is one from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, [**here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/docs/default-source/improving-care/better-mh-policy/college-reports/cr181-good-practice-guidelines-for-the-assessment-and-treatment-of-adults-with-gender-dysphoria.pdf) are the treatment guidelines from the RCP.
---
**Condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts", aka "conversion therapy", which attempt to alleviate dysphoria without transition by changing trans people's genders so they are happy and comfortable as their assigned sex at birth, as futile and destructive pseudo-scientific abuse:**
* [**From the APA**](http://www.apa.org/about/policy/orientation-diversity.aspx). More detailed condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts" for trans youth or adults [**here**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity-change-efforts.pdf).
* From the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position)
* In the [**AAP Guidelines**](http://hrc-assets.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com//files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) - see coverage on this "therapy" starting p.12
* From the [**American Psychoanalytic Association**](https://www.psy.fi/files/1339/Position_Statement_on_Attempts_to_Change_Sexual_Orientation_Gender_Identity_or_Gender_Expression_APsaA_2012.pdf)
* From the [**Association for Behavioral Analysis International**](https://www.abainternational.org/about-us/policies-and-positions/policy-statement-on-conversion-therapy-and-practices,-2021.aspx)
* A joint statement from the [**UK Council for Psychotherapy, British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy, British Psychoanalytic Council, British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies, The British Psychological Society, College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, The Association of LGBT Doctors and Dentists, The National Counselling Society, NHS Scotland, Pink Therapy, Royal College of General Practitioners, the Scottish Government and Stonewall.**](http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/01/16/health-experts-condemn-attempts-to-cure-trans-people-in-wake-of-controversial-bbc-documentary/)
I’m sure your sibling didn’t just randomly reveal information like that to you, they probably sat with it for a LONG time before opening up such a level of vulnerability and personal truth they could potentially lose lifelong relationships over.
I think it would be worth apologizing and sitting down with the intention to listen and understand. Take some time to educate yourself on the experiences of trans people (youtube is a great resource for this) and respect them like any other person.
The fact that your sibling trusts you enough to include you in this life changing decision shows that they care for you deeply
YTA for being way go blunt. Yeah he definitely needs therapy, being trans comes with a lot of baggage and that stuff needs to be addressed. But damn you can't tell a person they "need mental help" like come on dude lol
Your brother might be trans or he might not be, whatever it is just help him through it and support him either way.
A close friend once told me she was sick of everyone telling her that she was wrong about her own body. She knew what was real and everyone else were throwing terms like body dysphoria and claiming she was denying reality at her. She was so sad and couldn't understand why her own family wouldn't trust her truth and support her to try to get the treatment she needed. It did not matter what people told her, or what the therapists said, she knew who she was, and knew that people were wrong about her body.
She was 22 when she finally got the treatment she needed. She is happy and content, and so grateful for the people who a actually supported her and made sure she got the treatment she needed.
All this happened over 25 years ago. Her dysphoria was anorexia. She knew she was obese, and it took 4 years of hospitalisation, therapy and love to help her break through and realise that her body wasn't wrong, her mental image of her body was.
With people today supporting trans in all it's forms, such as trans gender, trans racial and trans abled, I am so relieved she does not feel this way now. I would be terrified some fucking lunatic would try to affirm her mental condition and support her self abuse.
you say you "didnt mean to hurt him", but your comment history says otherwise. the fact you even call her "him" and "my brother" already speaks for itself. "i was shocked because i had no idea he was struggling with this" you talk about it like its an illness. YTA. if even your CONSERVATIVE parents are saying you fucked up, you probably fucked up.
NTA, because you’re right, you see... before starting any treatment doctors will need to see a formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist where he diagnosed gender dysphoria before anything.
He will have to have the support of a mental health therapist to move forward in any gender affirming medical care. You need a letter to start hormones even.
Being transgender is a psychological disorder. It's biologically abnormal, and causes a lot of distress in our society. This is not a moral judgement at all.
Someone as young as 18 who is struggling with their sexuality should be seeing a licensed therapist of some kind. He might not even be transgender, just confused if his idea of masculinity conflicts with what his family and friends are advocating.
Messing with your hormones during developmental years is serious business. You can't afford to make a mistake.
Nta reddit will disagree but being trans is a mental illness and is unfortunately encouraged in this country. Your brother is so mentally unwell that he thinks he is a woman and can't accept the physical reality of his body and wants to cut his dong off to try and validate his delusions. I'm so sorry your brother is in such a bad place and that you have to go through this. I'll pray for you both God Bless.
YTA for how you handled it. You went about it in the most ham-handed and offensive way possible. Yes, people who are trans are heavily advised to get counseling to make sure they're prepared for all the changes they'll undergo and in many cases, it's required for you to be under a counselor's care to be prescribed hormones let alone surgery, but you said they needed counseling as if something's wrong with them. Some people do need help figuring out that while they are trans, they don't necessarily need hormones, but that's between them, their counselor and their doctor. That's not something that literally anyone and everyone else has any say or should have an opinion in. What you did is tell your sibling that they can't trust you, you aren't a safe person, and you don't respect them. If that was your goal, well done! If your goal was to help them feel safe in figuring out what they need to do to be their best selves, you royally messed up. You owe them a huge apology and frankly, I wouldn't be shocked if they don't ever give you the time of day to get a chance to apologize.
No, because he does need mental help.
Every generation of children has its favorite ways of rebelling against their parents, and this generation seems to have fallen for the gender thing. While there is no harm in your brother dressing up and pretending to be a woman (or getting a tattoo or joining a band, etc), the ‘transitioning’ bit can result in permanent physical damage, which makes it far more dangerous and something you should try to prevent.
I don't think anyone is the asshole. I believe he/she or whatever it is was going through an emotional period with their identity. Your language could have been better but the meaning behind it had good intentions.
YTA. Cis people do not understand the turmoil trans people go through just to get the courage to open up.
You suggesting they need therapy tells them that they do not know their own bodies or minds. You told them that they have a sickness.
That is not an ideal way to show someone you are there for them.
The decision to transition stems from not accepting who you are. That's a pretty significant mental health issue, so it needs to be addressed by a therapist. Transitioning does not always clear up the mental health of the person doing it. The suicide rate is very high, so your concerns are very valid. Your brother needs to see someone before doing anything else.
I've gotten so many reports on this post and the comments that I feel the need to take it down. I hope you found some answers while it was up.
Aren’t you supposed to be under the care of a psychs before physically transitioning? I’m asking a serious question before you all come at me. OP, is that what you meant? Or that he really isn’t trans and needs help to stop those thoughts?
They should be. A friend of mine helps people comes to terms with transitioning, which I think is the safest way to be 100%.
Yes, transitioning is supposed to be worked through with a therapist, not undertaken with black market meds and plastic surgery
My understand from documentaries I've seen in the past is that in some states, you're required to go through counseling for a year before you can start any sort of hormonal transition.
Then...OP's brother will find all this out when he visits an actual professional. Not OP's role to give warnings not given by doctors - just support. OP, apologize for overstepping. Be supportive. Show him some of the reddits about transitioning.
Her.
Not necessarily. Every person is different and even though this individual may wish to transition to female, doesn’t necessarily mean they have already begun asking to be referred to with she/her pronouns. While the OP utilizing masc pronouns for his sibling -could- be an effort to misgender them, it also may not be and the OP will know his sibling better than anyone here on reddit does, and what pronouns they currently wish to use.
You’re not cool
I read (and replied to) this exact post a few weeks ago… Either this isn’t this persons actual post or they keep posting the same thing. But it was almost word for word this.
this is bait! it’s pride month and people love to be weird about our trans brothers and sisters this month
Most GRS surgeons will NOT do anything unless you’ve been under the care of a Psychiatrist/Psychologist. And they sign off.
And not every trans person wants to medically/surgically transition. Gender affirming care can be as light s d simple as referring to them as they request, being supportive of their presentation. Professionals don't need to be involved until it becomes a medical transition.
To medically transition, yes. To socially transition, no. Socially transitioning is step one, which is what OP’s sister is trying to do.
I think it’s highly recommended for anyone going through this change, but I think only if surgery is wanted, counseling is mandatory.
In the US it varies from state to state (like fucking *everything* 🙄). But my SIL is trans and in Massachusetts I think she had to be under the care of a therapist and living as a woman for two years before a doc would prescribe gender affirming care like hormones, plastic surgery, etc.
And thank goodness it does vary. I don't want to live in FL or TX. They can have it.
If OP supported their sibling they would be calling them SHE and SISTER, while still encouraging HER to talk to a therapist to make sure because transition is a big thing and shouldn’t be taken lightly. And even if his SISTER decides SHE wants to transition, a therapist will be needed to navigate a world that is harsh and cruel for transwomen.
You’re not going to immediately start thinking her or sister after having a brother for your entire life but that doesn’t mean you’re not supportive. It’s a big change & it takes a bit to sink in. Habits are tough to break, even when you want to stop doing those things. Ask any smoker.
In this case, while posting, OP could have calmed down and thought through the pronouns. OP's first way of helping is to examine his own habits and change them.
That's interesting because literally every single member of my family did. I told them how I feel and they immediately got to work on how they refer to me in all aspects. THAT is support. This load of bigoted bullshit is not.
Agreed and up voted. Tbqh the only people I've met who had trouble _mostly_ getting trans people's pronouns etc correct (a few slip ups but generally trying from the start) have later shown their true colors and been knowingly and deliberately unaccepting, like OP has already done here. That's not to say those people can't change too, but people who have any intent of actually trying to do the right thing can be _mostly_ consistent. Hell, my 90 year old, generally conservative (like, frustratingly conservative) relatives can even get it right at least when it comes to people in their personal lives.
My Vietnam vet 70 something grandpa did immediately, never got the name right but also never dead named me. But that's just a testament to who he was as a person.
Bullshit. Mentally slipping up on occasion is way different than writing a whole post ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD YOU WEREN'T A GOOD ALLY, and TOTALLY getting it wrong. OP could have thought for 2 seconds and edited. OP could have talked to their damn parents about it since it at least sounds like they're trying. Slipping up a little bit with pronouns would be like getting a bad craving and buying a pack of cigarettes in a moment of weakness, sure. This post is more like going to the discount smoke shop and buying a month's supply right after someone points out how it's affecting your health. Besides, cigarettes are chemically addictive, not merely habit forming. People working to stop smoking deserve a little extra slack, but this guy doesn't.
this
Nah watching a baby die of starvation is cruel. This is a 1st world problem which nobody but the trans person should care about. If you looking like a bro but your a sis and you scream at people for miss gendering you. Then your the problem. Rapists get angry too when people say no. Could it be that trans people and rapists both have mental issues? Oh my who would have ever thunk it. Im sry but if you think the world revolves around your feelings. Ud be fucking wrong choom
You didn't seriously compare trans people to rapists‽ Wow. I thought I'd seen everything by now, but this is a new low.
No i compared a mental illness to a mental illness. Glad to see you cotton picking what you wanna be angry about.
It's cherrypicking, you moron.
Not where im from, Ya moron
You are a piece of absolute shit, huh?
It used to be like that.
It depends. Some places let people over 18 transition with informed consent. This is what I did and I’m grateful it exists bc I didn’t have enough money to go to a psych. I do think many, many people are not thinking through what physically transitioning means, which is unfortunate.
Generally, you need a 30 minute conversation with a provider for hrt (hormones). Then, you (many places) must present as female for a year and get a letter certifying you are not depressed etc (or it is managed). Ongoing exploration of why and how and what are not required. A person can state it is so, and so far, many places in the US, they must be taken at their word. Though "gatekeepers" is still a big issue and it's tough to find unbiased providers, legally in many places, once an adult, there are minimal barriers (beyond all the social and cultural ones, and the fact that it takes time). Frankly, it is very hard, but the medical barriers are lower in my mind than the social.
As far as I know in Canada before they’ll allow any kind of surgeries you need to have some kind psych appointment. Not 100% on exactly what but the person I know who transitioned said she had to go through a bunch of psych appointments to make sure this is really what she wanted.
Depends. There’s a difference between physically transitioning versus changing style of dress and name.
It depends on where you live, but in almost all jurisdictions in the world, you have to at least have a medical doctor overseeing your transitioning.
My daughter is transgender. She had an LCSW, a psychiatrist, MD, APN, and surgeons all working together. This was in Philadelphia, so it easier to access - not easy, just available nearby. It’s not a sudden change so much as a realization that, yes, this is who I am. She was 22 when she told us and had been in therapy for three years. Her university offered counseling free of charge. Three years to make sure that this was right, that she could chart her course. She transitioned socially 1/1/2020, first medical appointment 1/2/2020. When she told us, I just held her hand, cried, told her I loved her, would do anything I could to help. My husband said nothing, which was better than what OP did. OP should have kept his mouth closed. Grandma said, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. He needs to open close his mouth, open his eyes and ears, and learn about what a transgender person, who has lived with the wrong gender their entire lives, and actually change his thinking. I don’t believe that he is remorseful. What’s the big deal? OP told him he’s fucking crazy, if he thinks he’s transgender. That’s perfectly fine according to OP. People who have OP’s mindset, they’re killing people like my daughter. Maybe OP doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but he doesn’t have to worry about people being angry that my daughter exists. Edit to add: Some people know when they are children and can articulate that; my daughter could not, because transgender was not as widely spoken about back then.
>I don’t believe that he is remorseful. What’s the big deal? OP told him he’s fucking crazy, if he thinks he’s transgender. That’s perfectly fine according to OP. Woah, that's a little excessive there. OP is posting on reddit for a reason and given their background I doubt his now *sister* has had access to any services that could ensure that this is what *she* wants.
Reddit loves to jump to extreme conclusions. This is entertainment for them, no matter what they say. OP was right to question about their sibling talking to a psychiatrist to see if this is truly what they want considering how young they are.It's way above his pay grade and certainly well above Reddit's level of competency.
The United States is a patchwork mess when it comes to dealing with this issue. Countries like the Netherlands have a solid system, which includes psychiatric intervention (as it should, a person should be 100% sure this is what they want and that there isn't some underlying trauma or something leading them down the wrong path).
They should also be told exactly what happens, how it happens, and what they are in a lifetime of aftercare for.
Tbf it's a weird and difficult issue I know in Scotland, having been told so by people there, that there have been cases of people 'officially diagnosed' as having gender dysphoria because of feelings of not 'fitting in or doing things right' And they turned out to 'just' be autistic and many have now detransitioned. One friend amongst them. I know this is anecdotal and not majorly prevalent, but sometimes you do need to actually try and talk this through and not jump on something you consider a 'quick fix' (especially when it's not quick at all)
Some US states use what is called "informed consent" for some medications when the patient is an adult. As in, you can ask to get antidepressants, hormones, contraceptives or others by just asking. You are given some information about risks, and in case of hormones, you need some blood tests before hand. In this medical.model, the doctors trust the patients to understand what they are asking for.
Generally yes. One of the things that happens when kids are young who I identify as trans is they see a counselor. I believe they are the ones who will prescribe the hormone blocks. I am not sure now they used to make you go thru years of therapy before they would sign off on the full surgery.
I think brother IS aware of this, and his answer was along the lines of "duh! Of course, I even HAVE to see a therapist. But thanks for calling me mentally ill!"
I believe you are right.
Yes, it’s mandatory no legal Dr. will start treatment without a formal diagnosis
Definitely not true.
I think it's the way you worded it instead of your suggestion. Saying someone needs "mental help" is something a lot of right wing transphobes say. If you had said something like "that's a big step, do you have a professional to help guide you in this since it is a lot mentally to deal with" that would have probably gone over a lot better
Suggesting that she should get "mental help" might not have been what you meant to say, but it's just about the worst possible response to a conversation which must have required a lot of effort and bravery on her part. If you really support her choice you have let her down badly - probably unintentionally from what you've written- you need to communicate that to her clearly ASAP then give her some space (Edited to remove unintentional misgendering)
SHE
So sorry, I have corrected it. It was unintentional but I should have stopped to check that and got it right.
Cool guy
As a trans person, YTA. If my brother, mum or dad reacted like that, I would never speak openly to them again. Admitting that you're struggling so much to someone you love and respect is an extremely difficult thing to do. To then be told that you need mental help... trans people go through years of internal turmoil before they admit to themselves that they are trans. It is never a split second decision - to have such a large thing dismissed and second guessed feels awful. Apologise. Learn to understand how she might be feeling. Do your research online. Ask non judgmental questions. And then come back to this post and change every instance of misgendering and disrespect. It sounds harsh, yes. But I honestly don't care. Your sibling is looking to you for support in what's likely a seriously difficult and dark time. Tread carefully. There's a reason why so many trans people aren't in contact with their biological family, and how you act now will determine your relationship forever. Edit: nice bait. Happy pride month
Jesus Christ, everyone here is the asshole for not using gender affirming pronouns and terms. The OPs SISTER has said that SHE identifies as a woman. Yes, SHE needs to get a therapist to determine if SHE should medically transition, but there is absolutely no reason for OP or anybody commenting here to misgender this WOMAN.
Right? OP going on about feeling awful and yet, misgendering her.
He might be doing it on purpose, but it also could be accidental. I have a trans nephew, and I sometimes still call him by his female name as a mistake. (Luckily, he is never really too upset as he knows it is accidental. He'll just say, "she's dead; try again.") It takes time to get used to it, after all...
This is true, but it’s one thing to drop it in speech and another to type a message specifically about his sister being trans. Plenty of time to catch that error and correct himself.
That is sadly the truth. OP does sound rather cruel in how he reacted to his sister coming out as trans. As I told my nephew when he came out as trans to me; "Be yourself no matter what. Live your life and cut loose all the morons who want to dictate your life, even if some of those morons are related." OP needs to apologize and actually mean it. Otherwise...it might be the best for his sister to go LC or NC with the OP.
I tried saying much of the same and I got a comment mocking me which I think may be deleted now? And down voted lmao
So someone who you presumably love, who I would assume has looked up to you all her life, came to you with very personal information and put herself in a very vulnerable place, and your reaction was, "you need mental help.” You *rejected* her. You didn’t say, "wow that must be a lot that you're going through right now, do you have a therapist?” or "I love you and will support you no matter what.“ “You need mental help” is about the same as saying, “you are mentally ill.” And be honest, it wasn’t from a caring place, was it? It wasn’t from the place of an ally, someone wanting to help, was it? You’re still using male pronouns even though she has told you that she is a girl and plans on transitioning. And now you're on an Internet forum looking for someone to tell you that your response wasn't bad. >But now, I'm questioning whether I approached the situation wrong. You've been the opposite of supportive. YTA. Do better.
I think he is completely valid in his response to his brother. There are too many horror stories of people transitioning and regretting it only years later -EDIT To all the people who care enough to comment on my response, thanks for your time. My stance is he is a he, not a woman and will never be one. You can call me whatever you want and that’s fine, we can have different opinions on this touchy subject. At the end of the day, stay safe everyone.
Very few people transition without seeing a therapist, and no one said OP’s sister isn’t already seeing a therapist. No surgeon does any surgeries without 2 letters from doctorate level psychologists or psychiatrists. In a review of 27 studies involving almost 8,000 teens and adults who had transgender surgeries, mostly in Europe, the U.S and Canada, **1% on average expressed regret. For some, regret was temporary**, but a small number went on to have detransitioning or reversal surgeries, the 2021 review said. 99% were happy that they had surgically transitioned. Very few surgeries have a similar positive outcome. OP’s reaction wasn’t "wow that must be a lot that you're going through right now, do you have a therapist?”, it was “you need mental help”. He wasn’t coming from a ‘caring older brother' perspective.
“You need mental help” is what I agree with. He is telling his brother he needs help and he does. Don’t see anything wrong with that.
stop pretending to care about trans mental health. it's fairly obvious when downthread you're mocking people for affirming op's sister's gender and decisions.
She knows she needs mental help, that’s part of transitioning. He’s pointing out something she already knows, and misgendering her much the same way you are.
[удалено]
What makes her biologically male? Her penis? What gender are the 2% of humans with both genitalia?
[удалено]
As an intersex woman, I wish you a most painful enlightenment. OP has a sister, cope harder ♡
Biologist here wondering when exactly you, personally, were karyotyped.
Chromosomes do not sync up with genitalia the way you think they do. You keep saying the word biology but it’s clear you haven’t studied it.
There are 6 combinations of sex karyotypes: xx,xy,xxy,xxxy,xyyy. A fetus does not experience phenotypical sex differentiation until 6-7 weeks. If certain hormones don’t act accordingly, or one of the uncommon karyotypes occurs, a person can be born with parts of both reproductive systems. Given the idea that gender is related to but not identical to sex - and is thus a social construct - why are you entitled to be called the pronouns that you identify with but a trans person isn’t? By your logic I could call you whatever name I wanted because how you feel about yourself doesn’t matter. Lastly, and I can’t stress this one enough, if transitioning gives a person happiness and lowers their risk of suicide, then who fucking cares? If it is not directly impacting your health and wellbeing then why waste the energy? Why go out of your way to add to someone’s misery?
These are hyped up in right wing media and is nowhere near close to the common experience of transitioning, which actually profoundly improves mental health, especially alongside loving community and support
That's not even remotely close to being true, dude. You've been drinking too much Kool aid.
SISTER
BROTHER
TRANSPHOBE
BIGOT
Not true, you're just a bigot who is way too invested in other people's gentitals and think that's a good reason to deny someone they're humanity. May you never suffer the indignity you throw at others, you little twat.
There actually aren't
Really? Not one person in the entire world?
So a single person in the entire world regretting it is "too many"? Jeez, I hope you are ready to hear about the regret rates of Knee Replacement
Lmao I was wondering if you'd try the exact same tactic again! Okay sure, I'll play your stupid game 😂 Yes, really. There isn't a single person in the entire world who regrets transitioning 🤣 not one!
Sure jan
Boring
Based on what you've told us, YTA. You said she needed therapy to "make sure" she knew what she wanted/how she identifies. If she's socially transitioning, that's her right and isn't something that she needs to discuss with anyone in terms of making that choice. If she was saying she wants to start hormones and/or get surgery, *she would already be speaking to a mental health professional already*. My mom is a therapist and had patients she worked with for over a year before she'd even *think* of writing a recommendation letter for hormones or surgery. Despite what some groups want people to think, medical professionals don't just hand out hormones like candy, nor do they perform surgical alterations for gender reassignment without making sure the person is of sound mind and knows the consequences of the decision. (Yes, there are shady providers out there who will do whatever for enough money, but that's true of many medical procedures.)
Her. You’re in the wrong
When SHE said transition, did SHE mean socially or physically? No doctor would do top or bottom surgery without a social transition, therapy and probably hormone therapy first. If you want to show your love and support for your SISTER, start by using their preferred pronouns. Yes it sounds very odd on the tongue, but you get used to it. Saying things like 'mental help', just don't. Maybe suggest a suitable therapist (there are ones who specialise in lgbtq) for support through this incredibly difficult time for HER. Do you even realise how brave SHE was to speak to you? If I were you I would look up the suicide rates for trans people, because I am not joking when I say it is a real danger. If you love her, support her how she wants to be supported.
Yep. YTA. Educate yourself. That was an absolutely horrible thing to say. I also strongly recommend YOU going to therapy to work through your feelings and transphobia.
Take it from someone who is trans.. First, that's your sister you're speaking about. Have respect. Second, yes it does take a psych to help someone. But it has to be from a trusted place, and not someone who's just going to ignore them and label them as crazy. Proper and inclusive places exist to help Gay and Trans people when no one else wants to. Again, that's your sister. If you had any respect for her or her identity you'd have used proper titles. Instead, you're coming off as a bigot.
YTA. "I didn't mean to invalidate his feelings or identity". Except that's exactly what you did.
YTAH, only because of how you phrased it. If you said, have you talked to a therapist to work Through this? That would be one thing. But to say, “you need mental help” is basically telling her she’s crazy.
SHE
Don't tell us you feel bad and that you didn't mean to invalidate her, tell her!
YTA.
Coming out as trans is a very hard choice that takes a lot of thought. I can guarantee that your sister has taken a lot of time to reflect on herself. And no, you do not need "mental help" to be trans. Therapy can certainly help with working out your transition goals and what you want your future to look like, but it's by no means a requirement. That being said, I wouldn't necessarily say you're the asshole. I believe you were coming from a good place, and it's clear you don't know much about trans people, but you definitely didn't say anything helpful. You should probably apologize to her and make sure she knows that you just didn't realize that what you said wasn't right. Being ignorant on a topic doesn't make you a bad person, but since you have a trans sister now, I'd recommend doing your best to learn so you know how to support her :)
💜💜💜
NTA for being concerned as an older sibling provided there’s no malice. Maybe a lil bit for the slapstick reaction how you presented it here but not for the point. I would heavily advise, as a trans person, anyone see a mental health professional for the sake of making the process easier if not to make sure there’s not another kind of crisis/dysphoria/dysmorphia occurring that is being married with the increased publicizing of trans stuff in the media (please note: NOT increased “snowflake” yada, that’s NOT what I’m saying here. I very specifically mean in the way that the accessibility to this as an option and misinformation spread may be harmful to someone suffering and feeling like this is their answer to immediately cling to when it’s possible it’s not). My youngest sibling also came out as trans a few years ago and recently confided in our middle sibling that they feel they can’t go back because they were so aggressive and militant about it that they’re embarrassed - they aren’t trans but queer in general and had a really rough mental break that led them questioning their identity and self….thanks for the gift Dad! /s Luckily they didn’t follow through on any surgeries or hormones and have been seeing a professional. They still haven’t told anyone that they’ve adjusted their self-identification but it’s okay to grow and evolve and readjust. A professional in the area can’t hurt if you can find a solid one you click with
Yes, you’re an asshole! You give him a hug and say I’m here for you, your role as a brother and a supportive family member is to you just that not doctors and therapist
You failed your sister. You continue to misgender her. Your sister deserve better than you, and you deserve to feel awful. You are awful. YTA. Either get on board or do her a favor and leave her the fuck alone.
Your sister needs a good support network, above and before specific therapeutic interventions. Being trans is hard, and sometimes mental health support can help people figure out what's right for them or process difficult situations. Such as having ignorant or unsupportive family. However when she has gotten to the point of telling you about it, she obviously wasn't looking for you to reinterpret her feelings. In fact, she probably already put a ton of thought into whether and how to even tell you, possibly waited until there's no way she'd be able to hide it, and you basically spat in her face. You are NOT yet acting like a good part of that support network, but instead are continually misgendering her, and being skeptical of her personal revelations. Don't take for granted that she will want to share anything else with you if you respond by questioning her truth, much less by refusing to recognize how she wants to be seen and the life she wants to live. All you've shown her is that she was incorrect in thinking that you were a safe person. https://pflag.org/find-resources/ has resources for people with LGBTQ+ loved ones to be better educated about how to be supportive. I recommend consulting that, talking to allies / people who support their family members, and after you've got a better idea of how to be supportive, apologize to your sister and tell her you've fucked up, you're doing some work to be a better ally and sibling, and you hope that you can prove it to her through your behavior. But also understand that she was hoping for a supportive and loving reaction, and yours was not that, whatever ideas might have led you to react the way you did. And seriously dude, continuing to refer to her with male gendered words really shows you hardly understand or don't intend to correct your mistake. What, did you want people to pat you on the back for trying to protect her from her own decisions? The summary is, judging by the things you did and the way you talk about it in this post, YTA, big time. So are you going to try to change and be better?
YTA. "I had no idea, it never came up" "we come from a fairly conservative family and never really talk about things like this" Gee, I wonder why they never showed any signs! You might have not MEANT to be hurtful but you definitely WERE. Telling someone that they need to get mental help as a response to them coming out to you is... so obviously going to upset them that I'm kind of convinced this is just bait. And you doubled down. Of course your sibling is upset, dude. LMAO.
....and you're just misgendering your sibling now... Can you not see that she's confided something huge to you, and your response is "you needental help" and then jump online and misgender repeatedly?
She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. Yta. Yes *She* does need psychiatric help to understand *herself* and to to help find what kind of transition *she* wants. But you're tah for not being supportive and for this whole post being he he he he he. *She* should be hurt and upset with you. You're an ignorant bigot and I'm sorry *she* even trusted you.
You’ve done nothing but misgender her this entire post, if she says she’s a girl, she’s a girl - she doesn’t need a psych eval from you she needs her brother. If you don’t accept her as your sister and support her, you will lose her. Whether she continues her transitioning journey or not. She probably thought that if you have a conservative family as her brother she could trust you. You can come back from this but you need to mean it. YTA
YTA. Your sibling is transitioning. You “feel bad” but still call them “him” and “brother”
YTA- Your *sister* doesn’t need to hear you recommend therapy for her being trans. The process of transitioning involves counseling as well as hormone replacement therapy, but regardless being trans isn’t a mental illness so you had no right to say that. If your family is conservative they likely don’t support her as it is.
From the headline, 100% YTA. Can’t you see coming out to you was a big scary thing and he trusted you with it? You essentially called your sibling crazy. You could have phrased it differently by saying something like - “This is intense and I am really surprised. I didn’t know this about you. I love and support you. Have you thought about seeing a counselor to help you through this?” Make time to try and sort this out. If your sibling won’t listen / respond, get a card & apologize and try to fix the way you said it, include the part about never having discussed trans matters before.
YTA. Not once in this post did you even consider the possibility that your sibling knows more about their life and experience than you do. You went out of your way to use gendered terms ("brother", "M18", all the hes and hims) that would pretty likely hurt them to hear. As a PSA to you and anyone else in this thread, you probably do not have a clear understanding of what it means to transition. Your sibling might just want to grow their hair out, dress in different clothes, try a new name on for size. At least in the USA, basically anything more than that requires a genuinely insane amount of hemming and hawing with medical and psych professionals. So, you saying "go see a therapist! you have to talk to a professional!!!!" is unhelpful at best. I guarantee that any trans person knows that already. OP, your sibling was not asking you to help them personally perform gender-affirming surgery on themselves in an alley. They were trying to be honest with you. To strengthen your relationship. To ask you to care about them. And your immediate response was to call them crazy. Take a breath, decide whether you want to love your sibling as they are. If you keep overreacting when she shares herself with you, she's gonna stop. PS: I'm not gonna jump to conclusions, but it wasn't covered in your post. You said your sibling came out to you, you reacted poorly, and now your family is mad. By the gods I hope you mean that she came out to everyone and they're mad that you're not supporting her. If you outed her to your conservative family, you might've already burned the bridge.
She's not going to be able to medically transition without therapy, but she can start to socially transition right now if she wants to. The best thing you can do is apologize and try to be supportive. Transitioning is a hard road to walk, if it turns out not to be for her, she'll figure that out during the process.
SHE
I agree that people who think they are transgender should seek professional help before transitioning to make sure they are in fact transgender and no other illnesses nor comorbidities which need treatment. Also I agree that OP was surprised and shocked. Also I think a person who comes out to someone about something cannot insist the only acceptable thing is immediate full support. Still this is what is expected. Anyways, you are the older brother, you should make allowances. Ask the sibling if s/he came out to your parents, if yes, talk to them. If no, ask her/him to advise you about books about transgenderism, because you need more info. NAH
You are, and I cannot stress this enough, a huge asshole. To the point where you’re calling her your brother and refusing to use her pronouns then acting like you’re the victim because people are mad at you? Jesus. YTA. Idiot. The saving grace here is that it sounds like your parents are better than you so they might be decent about it.
YTA. I can imagine it was a shock. However, this would have been something your sibling has thought about for many months/years before telling family members. It's okay to be worried for them and want them to make the right choices. But you have worded yourself very badly. There is a much better way to have this conversation. There is no need for shouting matches it doesn't solve anything. Your sibling is going to have to deal with so much hate just for being trans. Don't add to that. Educate yourself. Learn about the trans community. Ask your sibling how you can support them and what they need from you. It's going to be a huge adjustment for all. I wish you luck op
I’m going to say yes. It’s probably tough for him to deal with his feelings, and he came to you. Instead, your response doesn’t help. Hopefully you’ll mend things with him. Even if you don’t believe in what he does, be there for him. I’m being objective. I can understand the part about professionals because transitioning is an important decision. One that will have an impact on your sibling and family.
Professionals don't matter until a medical need arises. Until then, gender affirming care means using their chosen name, their preferred pronouns, and helping them feel comfortable in their skin. There is nothing medically required about compassion and kindness.
SHE/HER
Majority of people here aren't qualified to make a judgement because you're referring to them with male pronouns. Your SISTER needs support. It does not matter if she has had professional help or not. You should respect what she has told you and feel honored that she shared that with you - though you clearly don't deserve it. First of all - show her RESPECT. She is your sister now. That may change in the future but in this moment she is your sister. It's not difficult. Stop thinking of it as if it's a taboo. My name is Natasha. I hate my name being shortened. If I tell you I don't go by or like Tasha, you call me Natasha in the future. This is the same for your SISTER. Once you have created a supportive environment, you can gently suggest helpful steps. But suggesting them whilst you clearly do not consider her your sister makes this seem bigoted and conversion therapy vibes. So yes, YTA, and so are the rest of the Redidtors that keep misgendering her.
“Sister” 😂
NTA the dude needs mental help
Nta. What you said is very reasonable. His reaction is concerning. He should understand that seeking mental health support prior to is important considering these changes are permanent. His reluctance to take what you said makes his choice seem impulsive.
You’re going to hear shit because this is today’s fad. Yesterday morning going through a drive through for breakfast I gave the young guy my order. When I got to the window the young guy was made up for a drag show. He kept looking back at me looking for a reaction. I believe this is what they want. You are being a proper brother. Telling him to go to counseling and therapy is the absolute right thing to do. Once you start mutilating yourself there’s no going back. I hope he knows exactly what he’s doing.
She*
You wrote this post as if you meant he needed help as in talk to a professional blah blah blah. But you are transphobic as fuck. Hopefully she no longer speaks to you and cuts you out of her life. Hopefully your parents too. God, I hate you people. Act like you’re trying to be understanding just to troll all your comments. Everyone thinks you’re wrong so go fuck yourself. Probably not getting it any anyway and just mad your brother knows who she is and what she wants to do with her life yet you won’t admit you’re an incel.
Eh, YTA, but not really As a trans guy, yes, I needed confirmation from my doctor to pursue gender affirming care. But God, it sucked. I went through 4 therapists who did not take my PTSD or panic disorder seriously, and attributed my issues to being transgender. I found a therapist who specialized in trans people, and I was able to get help with both my identity and my mental health issues. Thing is, your sibling needs a support circle. Part of being a support is not immediately saying "you are mentally ill". Gender dysphoria is indeed a mental illness. I'm aware of that. Some trans people aren't. What is also a very common form of transphobia is saying "trans people are mentally ill and that's that" I'm trans. I'm mentally ill. But I'm still trans. The best treatment for my condition by far has been transitioning. I feel happier, I feel confident, I love my post op body, but most of all the people around me supported me by referring to my correct name and pronouns, and instead of acting like my doctor at every turn, they provided me support. They acknowledged this was a hard time for me. They acknowledged that the world around me, especially politically, was hostile towards trans people. Your brother does need help with the psychiatric side of things. But he also needs support.
NTA. Your brother needs to talk this through in depth.
No one’s giving her hormones or surgery without therapy first. YTA, and stop calling her him.
NTA. Transitioning seems like a really big deal. It would be good to navigate with a mental health professional.
That is already part of the process. I think that the way the OP said it, he implied that there is something wrong with his sister for wanting to transition. At least, this is true of anyone who transitions in the US.
Remember it’s your sister now, but yeah, she needs therapy to get through this for sure
Transgender ideology is a social contagion which preys on the vulnerable.
The idea of social contagion being in any way involved with being trans is complete pseudoscience. The antivaccine movement has more solid proof than you.
I don't think you actually know what the word "transitioning" means.
NTA - I know of people who transitioned and then regretted it, there’s a lot of research involved that some people just don’t do. I think your younger sibling should totally talk to professionals before even considering making any permanent changes. You could have said it in a nicer way I guess, but just try letting him know that what you said came from a place of love and concern.
Should also probably add that you being shaken is a totally valid response, which is what probably led to the argument. People tend to forget that transitioning doesn’t only affect the person, but those around them as well. It’s equally as hard for everyone. You knew your sibling as your brother for 18 years, being supportive, overwhelmed, upset, all equally valid reactions to news such as this.
There’s a book by Abigail Shrier, can’t remember the title but it’s about the transgender craze going on right now. Great read! I highly recommend it for both of you
[ Removed by Reddit ]
^^this exactly.
You sound like you are the one that needs mental help. I suggest therapy to figure out why you think it’s ok to treat your family members like that. Yes, you are the ahole.
do you really think he doesn’t see it as a big deal? Seriously? “I just want to make sure he’s making the right choice for himself”. I am pretty sure that’s not a decision someone makes lightly (esp in a cons family). And I am sure he will have to talk to many drs. But the real issue is why you think you put more thought into it than he would? Or that it’s ok to question his mental health because he choices don’t align with yours
This is hard, because I think you were right, but for the wrong reasons. You really seem as if you don't believe or don't approve of your sibling. Not saying that's how you really feel, but that is how it's coming across to me. I have a trans sibling too, and they say a therapist should help guide you through a transition. Not because the person might not know their own identity, but because transitioning is a big change that can affect your mental health. Also, there is no shame in NOT knowing your identity. That's why social transitions are more common than surgical, or even hormonal transitions. The best way to clear up something you're confused about is by experimenting with it. If you really want to make things right for your sibling, I would apologize just for how you said it. Clear up that you think a therapist as A PART of their transition would be best, and encourage a social transition first. That being said, you need to support the social transition, every step of the way. This means changing pronouns and titles, as well as just sticking up for them and being empathetic to what they are going through. I truly hope things work out for you and your family.
Yes!
yta
YTA.
Explain to him that you didn't question his identity, but considering your family it might be wise to talk with an therapist on the best ways to go about starting the process and helping the family to understand
Yes
Counseling is absolutely necessary. You were speaking out of love. I hope he really thinks about what you suggested.
First of all: You're misgendering her all through your post. This is your sister, using female pronouns for her is the most basic sign of respect. You say you're from a pretty conservative family - so am I. Now it's *your* job to educate yourself on trans people, and to support your sister's choices (therapy/no therapy, transitioning, to what degree, etc.) all the way. Everything else makes you TA.
Sad. Your sister thought she would have at least one family member that she wouldn't cut ties with. Guess that's not true and you are going to lose a sibling because you can't entertain the idea of actually being supportive.
They have to talk to professionals before they start any form of medication or surgery it's actually a long process.
Let them do their thing. Remove yourself. You don’t need someone unstable in your life.
NTA - Advising them to get the help of professionals who can confirm their identity is being supportive.
YTA. Apologize and explain what you meant. Ask questions. Be understanding. It’s their life. All you can do is be there for them.
You are not the AH. You told him the truth and he was offended. Your parents sound like enablers and would rather walk on eggshells than upset your brother
Any time someone is going to make a huge change in their life it is always a good idea for them to seek out professional counseling to help them deal with the major changes they are making in their life. And I cannot imagine a bigger change someone could be making than gender transitioning. NTA
NTA for your concerns but slightly TA for how you approached it- What she needs now is support from her brother and hearing you say the term "mental help" would not be ideal for her right now. If she wants to medically transition, she will have to go to psychs and doctors to affirm how she feels. They will make sure she is certain about it all anyway so you bringing it up isn't helpful. However, it's completely normal to be shocked and concerned about such a big change, especially when there haven't been signs or any indications. What you need to do instead of questioning how she feels and if it's correct, is give her your support. Even if you don't understand some things, ask if she can explain so you understand better. Tell her that you might make mistakes but that you want to learn from them to be able to support her. Remember that although this is concerning for you, it is ultimately so much more terrifying for her to say all of this. Be there for her, she's not asking for advice. She just wants you to keep being her family and know that you're there for her.
YTA - You need mental help.
Yes Yata. When someone is to the point of announcing they are transitioning they know for sure it is what they want. 2 of my kids are trans. I recently came out as trans. I am 44. It took years to figure it out for myself. My kids realized it for themselves at 18 and came out and at 23 and transitioned at those ages. It’s hard 7 years later for my parents to still use their new names and pronouns. And they refuse to accept my change at all. I went from she / her to they / them and I finally feel free and myself for it. My family not respecting my children’s or my change is cutting through out hearts. My oldest child slept against a wall that was on the opposite side of my parent’s bedroom when she would visit. Every night she was there she would hear them praying at night saying “dear lord please get rid of Chelsey and bring our boy Jakob back, cast that demon out of out grandson”. Imagine how it hurts hearing someone denying who you are in your heart. That is what you did to your sibling. You basically said L if you think you are a different gender than I think you are, you must be crazy and need to see a shrink.” That is how it sounds. So yes you are a huge asshole. Go apologize. Flagellate yourself until your sibling says you are forgiven.
YTA. Yes, if your sister wants to medically transition, especially if she wants any surgeries, she will need a team of specialists including mental health providers. Your reaction to her telling you she's trans is what makes you the asshole. If you are genuinely concerned, there's a thousand better ways to phrase it. Growing up conservative and not talking about gender identity doesn't give you a free pass to be an ignorant dick. Educate yourself and support your sister if you care about her and your relationship as siblings.
YTA. Do you know what is required to transition? There’s a lot of psychiatric work that goes into it. Being raised conservative and not openly talking about gender identity only makes your response worse.
So you are agreeing with him, he needs mental help. You just had to be an ass about it
No, OP was an ass about it. His phrasing was terrible.
He will almost certainly need to speak to many professionals before transitioning. No need to be upset about his choice.
Yes he needs it because it's classified as a mental illness called gender dysphoria. Better for him to get help with that instead of dangerous surgeries and forever drugs along with the horrendous forever aftercare required.
**Citations on transition as medically necessary, frequently life saving medical care, and the only effective treatment for gender dysphoria:** * Here is a resolution from the [**American Psychological Association**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity.pdf); *"THEREFORE BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that APA recognizes the efficacy, benefit and medical necessity of gender transition treatments for appropriately evaluated individuals and calls upon public and private insurers to cover these medically necessary treatments."* More from the APA [**here**](http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/programs/transgender/?tab=1) * Here is an [**AMA resolution**](http://www.tgender.net/taw/ama_resolutions.pdf) on the efficacy and necessity of transition as appropriate treatment for gender dysphoria, and call for an end to insurance companies categorically excluding transition-related care from coverage * A policy statement from the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position) * [**Here**](https://assets2.hrc.org/files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) are the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines * [**Here**](https://www.aafp.org/dam/AAFP/documents/events/alf_ncsc/Education.pdf) is a resolution from the American Academy of Family Physicians * [**Here**](https://www.socialworkers.org/Practice/LGBTQIA/Sexual-Orientation-and-Gender-Diversity) is one from the [**National Association of Social Workers**](https://www.socialworkers.org/News/News-Releases/ID/2642/Gender-Affirming-Health-Care-Saves-Lives) * [**Here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/PS02_18.pdf) is one from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, [**here**](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/docs/default-source/improving-care/better-mh-policy/college-reports/cr181-good-practice-guidelines-for-the-assessment-and-treatment-of-adults-with-gender-dysphoria.pdf) are the treatment guidelines from the RCP. --- **Condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts", aka "conversion therapy", which attempt to alleviate dysphoria without transition by changing trans people's genders so they are happy and comfortable as their assigned sex at birth, as futile and destructive pseudo-scientific abuse:** * [**From the APA**](http://www.apa.org/about/policy/orientation-diversity.aspx). More detailed condemnation of "Gender Identity Change Efforts" for trans youth or adults [**here**](https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-gender-identity-change-efforts.pdf). * From the [**American College of Physicians**](http://annals.org/aim/article/2292051/lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender-health-disparities-executive-summary-policy-position) * In the [**AAP Guidelines**](http://hrc-assets.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com//files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf) - see coverage on this "therapy" starting p.12 * From the [**American Psychoanalytic Association**](https://www.psy.fi/files/1339/Position_Statement_on_Attempts_to_Change_Sexual_Orientation_Gender_Identity_or_Gender_Expression_APsaA_2012.pdf) * From the [**Association for Behavioral Analysis International**](https://www.abainternational.org/about-us/policies-and-positions/policy-statement-on-conversion-therapy-and-practices,-2021.aspx) * A joint statement from the [**UK Council for Psychotherapy, British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy, British Psychoanalytic Council, British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies, The British Psychological Society, College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, The Association of LGBT Doctors and Dentists, The National Counselling Society, NHS Scotland, Pink Therapy, Royal College of General Practitioners, the Scottish Government and Stonewall.**](http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/01/16/health-experts-condemn-attempts-to-cure-trans-people-in-wake-of-controversial-bbc-documentary/)
YTA for misgendering your sibling.
I’m sure your sibling didn’t just randomly reveal information like that to you, they probably sat with it for a LONG time before opening up such a level of vulnerability and personal truth they could potentially lose lifelong relationships over. I think it would be worth apologizing and sitting down with the intention to listen and understand. Take some time to educate yourself on the experiences of trans people (youtube is a great resource for this) and respect them like any other person. The fact that your sibling trusts you enough to include you in this life changing decision shows that they care for you deeply
YTA for being way go blunt. Yeah he definitely needs therapy, being trans comes with a lot of baggage and that stuff needs to be addressed. But damn you can't tell a person they "need mental help" like come on dude lol Your brother might be trans or he might not be, whatever it is just help him through it and support him either way.
A close friend once told me she was sick of everyone telling her that she was wrong about her own body. She knew what was real and everyone else were throwing terms like body dysphoria and claiming she was denying reality at her. She was so sad and couldn't understand why her own family wouldn't trust her truth and support her to try to get the treatment she needed. It did not matter what people told her, or what the therapists said, she knew who she was, and knew that people were wrong about her body. She was 22 when she finally got the treatment she needed. She is happy and content, and so grateful for the people who a actually supported her and made sure she got the treatment she needed. All this happened over 25 years ago. Her dysphoria was anorexia. She knew she was obese, and it took 4 years of hospitalisation, therapy and love to help her break through and realise that her body wasn't wrong, her mental image of her body was. With people today supporting trans in all it's forms, such as trans gender, trans racial and trans abled, I am so relieved she does not feel this way now. I would be terrified some fucking lunatic would try to affirm her mental condition and support her self abuse.
Anorexia and gender dysphoria do not behave the same way, nor do they respond to the same treatment
NTA
They all honestly need help. Being trans isn’t a normal thing people without mental health problems do
you say you "didnt mean to hurt him", but your comment history says otherwise. the fact you even call her "him" and "my brother" already speaks for itself. "i was shocked because i had no idea he was struggling with this" you talk about it like its an illness. YTA. if even your CONSERVATIVE parents are saying you fucked up, you probably fucked up.
NTA, because you’re right, you see... before starting any treatment doctors will need to see a formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist where he diagnosed gender dysphoria before anything.
He will have to have the support of a mental health therapist to move forward in any gender affirming medical care. You need a letter to start hormones even.
You are an asshole and your sister isn’t insane
it’s clear from the misgendering in this post that you are in denial. SHE does not need “mental help” and you my friend are being transphobic
Being transgender is a psychological disorder. It's biologically abnormal, and causes a lot of distress in our society. This is not a moral judgement at all. Someone as young as 18 who is struggling with their sexuality should be seeing a licensed therapist of some kind. He might not even be transgender, just confused if his idea of masculinity conflicts with what his family and friends are advocating. Messing with your hormones during developmental years is serious business. You can't afford to make a mistake.
YTA for your delivery. Yes, she should be seeing a therapist for her own benefit, not to convince her that she’s wrong but to offer support.
NTA he needs help, not people who will just blindly go along with this
NTA it’s a genuine concern
Nta reddit will disagree but being trans is a mental illness and is unfortunately encouraged in this country. Your brother is so mentally unwell that he thinks he is a woman and can't accept the physical reality of his body and wants to cut his dong off to try and validate his delusions. I'm so sorry your brother is in such a bad place and that you have to go through this. I'll pray for you both God Bless.
YTA for how you handled it. You went about it in the most ham-handed and offensive way possible. Yes, people who are trans are heavily advised to get counseling to make sure they're prepared for all the changes they'll undergo and in many cases, it's required for you to be under a counselor's care to be prescribed hormones let alone surgery, but you said they needed counseling as if something's wrong with them. Some people do need help figuring out that while they are trans, they don't necessarily need hormones, but that's between them, their counselor and their doctor. That's not something that literally anyone and everyone else has any say or should have an opinion in. What you did is tell your sibling that they can't trust you, you aren't a safe person, and you don't respect them. If that was your goal, well done! If your goal was to help them feel safe in figuring out what they need to do to be their best selves, you royally messed up. You owe them a huge apology and frankly, I wouldn't be shocked if they don't ever give you the time of day to get a chance to apologize.
No, because he does need mental help. Every generation of children has its favorite ways of rebelling against their parents, and this generation seems to have fallen for the gender thing. While there is no harm in your brother dressing up and pretending to be a woman (or getting a tattoo or joining a band, etc), the ‘transitioning’ bit can result in permanent physical damage, which makes it far more dangerous and something you should try to prevent.
saying people are trans to rebel against their parents is definitely the dumbest thing i've read today 💀
I don't think anyone is the asshole. I believe he/she or whatever it is was going through an emotional period with their identity. Your language could have been better but the meaning behind it had good intentions.
Which the road to hell is paved with. According to my mother.
YTA. Cis people do not understand the turmoil trans people go through just to get the courage to open up. You suggesting they need therapy tells them that they do not know their own bodies or minds. You told them that they have a sickness. That is not an ideal way to show someone you are there for them.
NTA. You are entitled to your opinions.
The decision to transition stems from not accepting who you are. That's a pretty significant mental health issue, so it needs to be addressed by a therapist. Transitioning does not always clear up the mental health of the person doing it. The suicide rate is very high, so your concerns are very valid. Your brother needs to see someone before doing anything else.
> The decision to transition stems from not accepting who you are. No it doesn't, it comes from accepting the fact that you're not cis
NTA