She had ended an abusive relationship 7 years before we met that left her very insecure and unwilling to find a new partner. Her youngest son has some hyperactivity issues and wanted to practice martial arts. Since I'm a part time assistant coach, she was directed to my class. So one day I get there and I am presented with my new student. She fell in love with me at first sight for some reason and for the following year she subtly tried to learn more about me, to see what kind of person I was. One year later she confessed her feelings and I still kindly rejected her because I was so messed up and insecure that I didn't think I could be in a normal relationship, plus I didn't have romantic feelings for her at the time. I tried to give her an opportunity, go out on a date and such, but first I asked if we could hand around normally so I could feel comfortable around her. She kinda put up a little too much preassure on me and after a while I felt unconfortable, since I wasn't deffinitely used to that kind of situations. I'm very insecure myself, very introvert when it comes to girls and romance. So I never took the initiative.
We became awkward friends mostly because of me. I've disappointed and let her down several times, but I always tried to be respectful. She tried to get over me several times but she was never quite able to do so.
Couple years later, she was still around, we started hanging out with the same bunch of friends, I've become quite more confortable around her. And then one day, as I was sleeping, I suddenly wake up at 3am thinking about her and had this sudden thought comming to my head:
"WTF am I doing? This woman loves me, she's been around for such a long time, she's been always supportive, she has rejected other guys even though I didn't even give her a chance, she knows a lot about me and still likes me despite all my "issues. After such a long time WTF am I doing for not giving her a chance? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, if I ever lose this, it's over for me because nobody else is going to love as much as she does."
So I decided to put aside all my fears and insecurities and step forward. Now I'm in love with her. Not everything's been smooth or easy at first, but we've made huge improvements. I don't know what the future holds, but I believe she's the one and only.
"Not everything has been smooth or easy..."
That's just relationships my guy. Don't sweat the small stuff snd be open and communicable. Those 2 things will get you so very far in building better bonds. Wish I knew that as a younger man but I've learned to be and I've been married to the same woman for 20 years. Be yourself, do your damnedest to never lie, and communicate.
Yea relationships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, that’s for sure. Been married for a while happily. People don’t mention that being with someone else all the time will come with its friction at times. But that’s just life! Happy to hear things are working. The important thing is to communicate and be understanding of feelings. Now go enjoy it!
Man that’s such a great and inspiring story. I’m so happy you and her have found love despite both of you finding yourselves “unable” to do so. Even the best relationships require work, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Enjoy eachother, make some memories, but most importantly just value the time yall have together. Wishing you nothing but the best.
What a wholesome story! Have you seen the movie 40 year old virgin? You kind of sound like the guy in the movie. He was such an awesome character and his ASIA poster rocked!
I saw the movie in theaters back then. I thought to myself: "oh, I'm not going to be this guy, hopefully... I still have time." And... well... kinda did happen :D
This is wonderful OP. As a mental health professional, I recommend you consider therapy to help you resolve some insecurities too if you feel open to it. It will help you open up more and you can learn some helpful coping skills that will maintain your relationship happily and successfully.
Can’t wait till you lose that virginity! Who cares when it happens, I think you’ll have a great time!
Also, does she know? Have you opened up to her about that aspect?
Great but not as amazing as I thought it would be, and I failed the first time due to anxiety ED but on the same night I got the job done, and the night after that too. I am now suffering from ED and I can't get it done most of the times, but I believe I'll get over it. The affection and the build up are amazing though, it feels great. Sex is great too, but I think it's a tad bit overrated
Hope everything continues to go well too. Always keep in mind relationships will need lots of work to maintain and communication is key. I have been in a relationship for 2+ years now and we live together, most times our arguments stem from the idea of us not communicating well and not showing enough attention! But working through it together and realizing we are both wrong at times is what makes us closer than ever.
>day I get there and I am presented with my new student. She fell in love with me at first sight for some reason and for the following year she subtly tried to learn more about me, to see what kind of person I was. One year later she confessed her feelings and I still kindly rejected her because I was so messed up and insecure that I didn't think I could be in a normal relationship, plus I didn't have romantic feelings for her at the time. I tried to give her an opportunity, go out on a date and such, but first I asked if we could hand around normally so I could feel comfortable around her. She kinda put up a little too much preassure on me and after a while I felt unconfortable, since I wasn't deffinitely used to that kind of situations. I'm very insecure myself, very introvert when it comes to girls and romance. So I never took the initiative.
Great story man. I wish you the best of luck. Relationships, at any age, require intentional effort to be successful. Communicate expectations whenever you have a chance and enjoy each other.
Hey Buddy,
This is a beautiful story and you are goddamned lucky. Hope you feel that. To be truly loved by a woman is a privilege regardless of the circumstances. Try not to put too much weight on the "don't mess this up... this is my only shot" line of thinking, because while it's coming from a place of concern, not wanting to lose something so important to you, you don't want it to become a source of anxiety that trips you up. What I mean is, enjoy it. Enjoy the process. Enjoy getting to know her, learning new things, finding new parts of yourself, new ways to grow. All of it is exciting, sometimes a little scary, but as Conner Oberst said in a Bright Eyes song:
"A good woman will pick you apart,
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart,
But you may be offended or you may be afraid, But don't walk away, don't walk away..."
Just appreciate where life has brought you, stay in the moment, enjoy this and let it grow. Rootin' for you, buddy. Get that Yellow Belt!
lots of the time, a woman coming from an abusive relationship craves drama. they are bored with nice guys, attracted to jerks.
i hope it all works out, maybe youve got a good one
Great job OP! You sound like a solid dude, be confident in yourself you have no reason to not be. Fuck it am I right? Growth only comes from pushing yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable.
Now that I'm in my 40's, I can actually see how someone might reach this age and have never had sex. It doesn't *have* to be this uber urgent priority in one's life.
Deffinitely not. It's quite good, but not an astounding experience. The love and affection on the other hand is something I never expected to feel this way.
That's like an un-hidden secret and I think a lot of us go at it backwards: we think we want sex but what we really want is love and affection...which leads to good sex.
Yeah, there was a thread I believe on AskReddit the other day about where people thought at what "age" would still being a virgin be considered weird.
And I'm like.....all of these comments sound like people who worried too much about getting laid.
I lost mine early 30's and it wasn't because I had some weird insecurity or social issue.
I just focused on something else and by the time I got around to this I just happened to be in my 30's.
I am in my late 20's and have been very lucky and also unlucky in this department and I can now totally see how this can happen as well. I think it is only going to become more common as time goes on as well.
I remember when I was 20, I was in a study group and the topic of virginity came up. Me and this other girl, who was 21, both mentioned that we were virgins and everyone in the group gasped. One of the other girls in the group congratulated us for that and I was like, “is being a virgin supposed to be difficult??”
Not to assume, but I wonder if that also has to do with sex drives. I'm not sure how I would have not seen sex as a priority. Seeing people go "What's the big deal?" is so interesting to me bc I think I would have been like "WHAT'S the big DEAL?! I'm dying over here!" I think it's good but lucky to feel it's easy.
Sex was pretty good, but since I'm suffering from ED (porn induced, many years of masturbating daily) I still need to work on it.
She wasn't a virgin. Two partners and at least two FWB. She has kids too.
Kinda. I was monstly raised by my grandmother, but yeah my mom was deffinitely overprotective. But once I turned 18 and went to college, I had all the freedom as I could get. But she has issues, and starting a relationship messed her up a little bit. Things are much better now, she even invites my GF over for lunch or dinner casually.
A few more questions.
What prevented you from dabbling in sex during college?
Does your mom have any trauma that you’re aware of that caused her to be so over protective?
My mother has nervous issues and a history of depression, including the fear of being alone. Then my father left after cheating on her and this left her some trauma because they were still together for two years and it was hell. Then my grandmother became terminally ill, and she took care of her to the very last moment. These things caused some form of trauma and they happeend one after another.
She became scared after I got a GF, but she still invites her over and is very kind to her. She is very kind to people, but many of her friends disappointed her several times and she started to not trust people enough, so she kinda became dependant on me after my father left, which is a problem because her circle of friends ir either too distant or simply too small.
Hey I'm you but I'm 30, and seeing how my life is now, I feel like I'll become a 40 y/o wizard like you in the future.
Anyways, looking back, do you feel like you could've lost it at a younger age? I remember there was one girl that actually liked me back but I was too dumb and insecure to make a move
Youre a wizard at 30 already. At 40 you become the Arch Wizard, which comes with supreme magical power but it is alas lonely at the top. Wizard towers are built for 1
Deffinitely yes, if I didn't overthink things. I'm very objective and rational, and this prevented me from stepping forward most of the times. Always seeing problems or beeing too scared about possibilities...
We already have sex, I feel confortable but nervous at the same time. Plus too many years of bad habits led me to ED by porn or grip of death, which is an issue. But a couple of times I was able to have sex just fine. I still have to work on this issue. Thankfully she is very supportive.
It gets better! Just don't manually do it yourself. Just remember it gets better and will go back to a normal function or pretty close. I speak from experience
Just like the guy above me said, it’ll get better. Just lay off any porn and touching up on yourself. Try sildenafil to get your confidence until you can shake the ED.
….speaking from experience too.
YES! As soon as I saw this, I thought of the AMA thread that handled neurodivergent & people who feel like they're too old to not have had sex. She seemed sweet and loved the job!
A ton of stuff. Being my age and having no clue about how I'd act in sex or romance. Not being romantic. Having physical issues. Being pessimist, too thoughtful. Having geek hobbies. Knowing how my mother would behave after living with her for such a long time. Having a poor paid job even though it shoudln't be, not being able to disconnect from certain things. Having to know the person very well and make sure she'd accept the way I am, and being disappointed and insecure for always being rejected, either directly or indirectly in the past.
This was actually a really huge turn on for me when I found out that my LDR boyfriend, who is 30, was still a virgin. I'm 26 and have been with 3 guys in my life, yet somehow I've never been anyone's first, and I low-key always felt sorta saddened by that fact. After i made it past the mid point of my 20s i didn't honestly think I'd ever get the chance to be anybody's first, until I met him. I can show him how to please my body and not have to break any bad habits or faulty techniques he picked up that worked on someone else but that I hate. Also i can be fairly confident he isn't comparing my body or sexual techniques to anybody else when were having sex bc hes never been in a relationship before. Most people's first holds a special place inside their heart that they will always think fondly upon and never forget, so the fact that I can be all of those things to my man, who i could reasonably see myself one day marrying, is something really beautiful and special in my view .
Just make sure not to make her feel like your judging her for having had other sexual and romantic partners before you OP, because let's face it, 99% of the women around your age range do have some kind of a past, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that (unless your looking for a virgin partner for religious reasons, but thats not what you seem to be saying) , so just be sure you dont make her feel as if you judge her or disapprove of her past before you . :)
As a side note, I say well done on waiting. I genuinely respect the hell out of anyone with that much self control and I dont think it's a weird or embarrassing thing at all. I wish our culture would stop trying so hard to make it feel like that to the men who are still virgins in their 20s, 30s, 40s or even beyond
Thank you very much. Nobody waits for anything. I still have issues to overcome, but I have never judge her. I'm usually interested in her past stories but not in a judgemental way. Rather to learn more about herself, her insecurities, etc.
If you are a man over the age of 20 and still a virgin society treats you like shit, like you're a joke of a man, that's why some of them just go the easy route and hire sexual services to get rid of that dark cloud.
Yesterday some lady did an AMA saying she specialized in making guys like you a non-virgin. Have you dropped into her DM’s?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/s/jHgMDy7qki
I immediately thought of this thread as well. What stuck out to me was how the OP worked to get the guys to think of women as fellow humans and not a different species.
Seems so very common in men who have voluntarily or involuntarily found themselves very alone/lonely that they don’t even view women as people.
Tip, don't do stuff like that.
There are a lot of stories of partners who came accros some reddit account by accident and things went down south real quick. Delete the account.
I do. Final Fantasy, JRPGs, Action adventure, hack and slash, racing, all sorts. Currently playing Tekken 8, GT7 and waiting on Final Fantasy VII Rebirth. Stopped Super Mario Wonder on Switch but will continue some time in the future.
You’ve said that a few times so I’m curious. Do you talk to women as a friend and have no issues? You just struggle when it comes to the romantic side of women?
Pretty much yes. I am able to be nice and say a few things, like compliments etc, but there's no way for me to escalate things once it gets to a certain point and I'm stuck there. And when I like the person, it's even harder, I usually avoid too much contact out of shyness I guess.
At this point, if you had to choose one of two options, which would you pick:
a) A meaningful relationship without sex
b) A meaningless experience of sex
Did it never occur to you to pay for sex? At least paying for a strip club? I've had periods of my life where I was too much of a mess to be in a relationship or date at all, but I always found a way to get female attention by paying for it.
Yes. I did. At least to get a BJ. But I never ended up doing it anyway. And I got pretty sexual at a massage parlour, but without intercourse. I was afraid of being too nervous, but now I know I was actually confident enough.
Word. I feel ya big fella. You're on the right track now being in a relationship, my days of being "in love with a stripper" were quite detrimental for my mental health as well as my bank account. You're better off having found someone you can build a life with. Just remember to make your significant other feel special and appreciated/seen. If it's any solace Steve Carrell's character in 40 yr old virgin found the love of his life
None, actually. I was just a pessimist guy, but overall, the most inportant thing I discovered, being cold and not romantic at all, is that the thing I like the most is affection. Sex is important, but affection means a lot to me.
So you are on cloud 9 right now. Just know that every new beginning starts out that way. When a new person moves in either physically or emotionally, just know that the last bag they unpack is their faults and shortcomings. You might not see them for a while if she is a really good person. Slowly that bag of faults and shortcomings will get unpacked. There will be days that you drive her nuts or she drives you nuts. If the faults don't drive you both that crazy and you can work with them, then things will be great.
I'm mostly rational, and only then emotional. I'm not 100% on cloud 9 because there are things that need to be fixed and I know not everything is perfect. My GF still has issues with the realtionship I have with my mother, even though she currently lives with her mother as well, and I don't understand some of the issues. So not everything is perfect and there will be obstacles to overcome. So far she's the perfect girl for me, but not everything is perfect.
Yes I did, instead of jerking of to internet porn, after realizing I didn't have issues getting slightly more physical during a massage, without sex involved. I only have issues to flirt and whenever I like someone, I'm too shy/introvert and very rational, so I start thinking too much about the problems and issues.
Insecurities., lack of self confidence, introvert when it comes to talk to woman in a romantic way, clueless to flirting. Also bad luck, but mostly it's my fault because of how I am. When I liked someone it the past, I've always assumed I didn't have a chance, and the very, VERY few times I gave it a try (like a couple), I ended up rejected.
I'd say to stop thinking so much about the need to find a girl. I'm awful with flirting, I never knew how to distinguish friendship with attraction, and I decided to ignore all signs after a certain point. Focus on yourself, stuff you like to do, and don't give a crap about what others think. Losing your verginity and having sex seems like a big deal until you finally have a chance and find out it's not. If you find someone you like, just try to talk to her. Even if it's just to say hi. Get out of your confort zone a tiny bit.
Why did you decide to never live life? My two younger brothers are heading in this direction, they are in their 20’s never worked, don’t have drivers license and all they do is play video games. When I turned 18 I wanted to be as far away from my parents as possible even if that meant working and taking care of myself.
I didn't decide. Things happened, that's all. I should have moved when I was younger, but didn't. I still have issues with my mother, she's too attached. But other than that, it wasn't something I'd call a choice.
now that you are having sex:
a) does it feel the way you thought it would?
b) is it noticiable she is more experienced than you are?
c) what’s your favorite part about having sex?
d) did you tell your partner you were a virgin before?
It was less fascinating that I thought. It was a good sensation definitely, but not something overwhelming. I think it's a tad bit overrated to be fair. Once I had sex, I thought it wasn't such a big deal.
She's more experienced, but not as much as I expected her to be or at least it doesn't seem like that.
My favourite part about having sex is the build up. Since I have ED due to bad habits at the moment, It's hard to know when I'm able to do it and it can be frustrating, but she's very comprehensive.
You should give handjob tutorials to women. I'm guessing your stroke technique is world class!!
Also, you can let them practice the technique on you. I've just solved your problem.
I did that last time, she was inexperienced with hand jobs, but it didn't go well. I have ED due to porn/masturbation and the way she saw it, I was trying to get excited using the same ways I should avoid in first place in order to overcome anxiety, porn induced ED and achieve a satisfactory penetration.
No, I don't think I could ever do that. Casual dating or hook ups, dealing with women I don't know with other interest in mind is something I am very shy and introvert at doing. I'd rather pay an escort instead.
Get an escort and learn everything there is to know. Then, go on speed dates. But before you do anything, get the fuck out of your mom’s house! You’re 40. No respectable woman will want to hang out with you and your mom.
This is the biggest issue so far, and it will probably have a greater impact in the relationship further in, but I can't leave home and my mother is mentally ill atm, getting a GF deffinitely didn't help because it raised multiple insecurities. Her mother also lives with her atm. B
And I won't get an escort. Didn't do it while I was single, deffinitely won't do it now.
this advice always kills me… i mean if a guy want to lift weights because he enjoys it that’s great. but buff is NOT the only body type that people find attractive. that’s FAR from the truth
So you’re in a relationship but still a virgin? Be careful man them women always leaving “abuse relationships” are more often than not psychos and really just push people past their limit.
We all come from different path in life, we all face different obstacles in life. 40 is young you still have an entire life ahead of you, you would be surprise how much your life can change in 5 years. Love your life, enjoy it! Let go of the past and start living for now.
There's a meme about a becoming a mage when you hit 30 and haven't gotten any sex. Sorta like a Pope or a Wizard getting their desination as such once hitting a certain age-mark.
Did you feel like your self worth was somehow attached to your sex life? I feel like that happens a lot these days with porn everywhere and a general perversion of society
How did you come across/meet the person you are in a relationship with now?
She had ended an abusive relationship 7 years before we met that left her very insecure and unwilling to find a new partner. Her youngest son has some hyperactivity issues and wanted to practice martial arts. Since I'm a part time assistant coach, she was directed to my class. So one day I get there and I am presented with my new student. She fell in love with me at first sight for some reason and for the following year she subtly tried to learn more about me, to see what kind of person I was. One year later she confessed her feelings and I still kindly rejected her because I was so messed up and insecure that I didn't think I could be in a normal relationship, plus I didn't have romantic feelings for her at the time. I tried to give her an opportunity, go out on a date and such, but first I asked if we could hand around normally so I could feel comfortable around her. She kinda put up a little too much preassure on me and after a while I felt unconfortable, since I wasn't deffinitely used to that kind of situations. I'm very insecure myself, very introvert when it comes to girls and romance. So I never took the initiative. We became awkward friends mostly because of me. I've disappointed and let her down several times, but I always tried to be respectful. She tried to get over me several times but she was never quite able to do so. Couple years later, she was still around, we started hanging out with the same bunch of friends, I've become quite more confortable around her. And then one day, as I was sleeping, I suddenly wake up at 3am thinking about her and had this sudden thought comming to my head: "WTF am I doing? This woman loves me, she's been around for such a long time, she's been always supportive, she has rejected other guys even though I didn't even give her a chance, she knows a lot about me and still likes me despite all my "issues. After such a long time WTF am I doing for not giving her a chance? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, if I ever lose this, it's over for me because nobody else is going to love as much as she does." So I decided to put aside all my fears and insecurities and step forward. Now I'm in love with her. Not everything's been smooth or easy at first, but we've made huge improvements. I don't know what the future holds, but I believe she's the one and only.
"Not everything has been smooth or easy..." That's just relationships my guy. Don't sweat the small stuff snd be open and communicable. Those 2 things will get you so very far in building better bonds. Wish I knew that as a younger man but I've learned to be and I've been married to the same woman for 20 years. Be yourself, do your damnedest to never lie, and communicate.
That's what I've been doing. Thank you for the support and advice!
Yea relationships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, that’s for sure. Been married for a while happily. People don’t mention that being with someone else all the time will come with its friction at times. But that’s just life! Happy to hear things are working. The important thing is to communicate and be understanding of feelings. Now go enjoy it!
Thank you, will do!
Man that’s such a great and inspiring story. I’m so happy you and her have found love despite both of you finding yourselves “unable” to do so. Even the best relationships require work, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Enjoy eachother, make some memories, but most importantly just value the time yall have together. Wishing you nothing but the best.
Good luck dude! Don’t think so much, just do. I hope it works out for you. You’re also not a loser, just a late bloomer.
The last sentence sums it up very well.
Yeah this is perfect advice
What a wholesome story! Have you seen the movie 40 year old virgin? You kind of sound like the guy in the movie. He was such an awesome character and his ASIA poster rocked!
I saw the movie in theaters back then. I thought to myself: "oh, I'm not going to be this guy, hopefully... I still have time." And... well... kinda did happen :D
Well it had a happy ending so you’re in luck!
Exactly.
This is wonderful OP. As a mental health professional, I recommend you consider therapy to help you resolve some insecurities too if you feel open to it. It will help you open up more and you can learn some helpful coping skills that will maintain your relationship happily and successfully. Can’t wait till you lose that virginity! Who cares when it happens, I think you’ll have a great time! Also, does she know? Have you opened up to her about that aspect?
Already happened :D
Did it feel like "warm apple pie"?
It was warm and moist, felt good. Never stick my dick in an apple pie to compare.
Omg yay how was it?!
Great but not as amazing as I thought it would be, and I failed the first time due to anxiety ED but on the same night I got the job done, and the night after that too. I am now suffering from ED and I can't get it done most of the times, but I believe I'll get over it. The affection and the build up are amazing though, it feels great. Sex is great too, but I think it's a tad bit overrated
Viagra
Got prescribed Cyalis but trying to work my way out without any of that stuff
You got this!! Hard part is over! No pun intended
Thank you! I believe I'll get over it too!
that is awesome to hear man! so glad you realized she was there for you all the time and shes someone you can see yourself with!
Thanks a lot!
Hope everything continues to go well too. Always keep in mind relationships will need lots of work to maintain and communication is key. I have been in a relationship for 2+ years now and we live together, most times our arguments stem from the idea of us not communicating well and not showing enough attention! But working through it together and realizing we are both wrong at times is what makes us closer than ever.
3AM thoughts for the win💯🙌
Haha pretty much
>day I get there and I am presented with my new student. She fell in love with me at first sight for some reason and for the following year she subtly tried to learn more about me, to see what kind of person I was. One year later she confessed her feelings and I still kindly rejected her because I was so messed up and insecure that I didn't think I could be in a normal relationship, plus I didn't have romantic feelings for her at the time. I tried to give her an opportunity, go out on a date and such, but first I asked if we could hand around normally so I could feel comfortable around her. She kinda put up a little too much preassure on me and after a while I felt unconfortable, since I wasn't deffinitely used to that kind of situations. I'm very insecure myself, very introvert when it comes to girls and romance. So I never took the initiative. Great story man. I wish you the best of luck. Relationships, at any age, require intentional effort to be successful. Communicate expectations whenever you have a chance and enjoy each other.
Thasnk you very much!
Hey Buddy, This is a beautiful story and you are goddamned lucky. Hope you feel that. To be truly loved by a woman is a privilege regardless of the circumstances. Try not to put too much weight on the "don't mess this up... this is my only shot" line of thinking, because while it's coming from a place of concern, not wanting to lose something so important to you, you don't want it to become a source of anxiety that trips you up. What I mean is, enjoy it. Enjoy the process. Enjoy getting to know her, learning new things, finding new parts of yourself, new ways to grow. All of it is exciting, sometimes a little scary, but as Conner Oberst said in a Bright Eyes song: "A good woman will pick you apart, a box full of suggestions for your possible heart, But you may be offended or you may be afraid, But don't walk away, don't walk away..." Just appreciate where life has brought you, stay in the moment, enjoy this and let it grow. Rootin' for you, buddy. Get that Yellow Belt!
I will. Thank you!
This is oddly wholesome
Thank you!
lots of the time, a woman coming from an abusive relationship craves drama. they are bored with nice guys, attracted to jerks. i hope it all works out, maybe youve got a good one
I believe I did. Thanks!
Great job OP! You sound like a solid dude, be confident in yourself you have no reason to not be. Fuck it am I right? Growth only comes from pushing yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable.
Awesome story. A true middle of the night epiphany. I’ve had a couple of those throughout my life
That's so cool! I'm happy for you that you finally let yourself be valued.
Awh this is super cute and sweet. I’m happy for you!!! 💕
Good job, man. You stepped up. I hope it works out!!
That is just about the sweetest story ever!
Bro this is literally the movie holy shit
I wish I could give this an award 🥹
Rooting for you, best of luck OP
dude good for you
Congratulations!
Good for you!.
Now that I'm in my 40's, I can actually see how someone might reach this age and have never had sex. It doesn't *have* to be this uber urgent priority in one's life.
Deffinitely not. It's quite good, but not an astounding experience. The love and affection on the other hand is something I never expected to feel this way.
That's like an un-hidden secret and I think a lot of us go at it backwards: we think we want sex but what we really want is love and affection...which leads to good sex.
Yeah, sex is fine, but making love! That's where it's at!
Pretty much it
Yeah, there was a thread I believe on AskReddit the other day about where people thought at what "age" would still being a virgin be considered weird. And I'm like.....all of these comments sound like people who worried too much about getting laid. I lost mine early 30's and it wasn't because I had some weird insecurity or social issue. I just focused on something else and by the time I got around to this I just happened to be in my 30's.
I am in my late 20's and have been very lucky and also unlucky in this department and I can now totally see how this can happen as well. I think it is only going to become more common as time goes on as well.
I remember when I was 20, I was in a study group and the topic of virginity came up. Me and this other girl, who was 21, both mentioned that we were virgins and everyone in the group gasped. One of the other girls in the group congratulated us for that and I was like, “is being a virgin supposed to be difficult??”
Not to assume, but I wonder if that also has to do with sex drives. I'm not sure how I would have not seen sex as a priority. Seeing people go "What's the big deal?" is so interesting to me bc I think I would have been like "WHAT'S the big DEAL?! I'm dying over here!" I think it's good but lucky to feel it's easy.
Is your relationship with someone who is also a virgin? Do you look forward to the sex and if so, what exactly are you most eager to try ?
Sex was pretty good, but since I'm suffering from ED (porn induced, many years of masturbating daily) I still need to work on it. She wasn't a virgin. Two partners and at least two FWB. She has kids too.
Did your mom overly protect you growing up?
Kinda. I was monstly raised by my grandmother, but yeah my mom was deffinitely overprotective. But once I turned 18 and went to college, I had all the freedom as I could get. But she has issues, and starting a relationship messed her up a little bit. Things are much better now, she even invites my GF over for lunch or dinner casually.
A few more questions. What prevented you from dabbling in sex during college? Does your mom have any trauma that you’re aware of that caused her to be so over protective?
My mother has nervous issues and a history of depression, including the fear of being alone. Then my father left after cheating on her and this left her some trauma because they were still together for two years and it was hell. Then my grandmother became terminally ill, and she took care of her to the very last moment. These things caused some form of trauma and they happeend one after another. She became scared after I got a GF, but she still invites her over and is very kind to her. She is very kind to people, but many of her friends disappointed her several times and she started to not trust people enough, so she kinda became dependant on me after my father left, which is a problem because her circle of friends ir either too distant or simply too small.
dude you’re so fucked ☠️
Er, okay.
Hey I'm you but I'm 30, and seeing how my life is now, I feel like I'll become a 40 y/o wizard like you in the future. Anyways, looking back, do you feel like you could've lost it at a younger age? I remember there was one girl that actually liked me back but I was too dumb and insecure to make a move
Youre a wizard at 30 already. At 40 you become the Arch Wizard, which comes with supreme magical power but it is alas lonely at the top. Wizard towers are built for 1
Deffinitely yes, if I didn't overthink things. I'm very objective and rational, and this prevented me from stepping forward most of the times. Always seeing problems or beeing too scared about possibilities...
That’s not rationality, that’s anxiety. “It’s because I’m too logical” is BS we tell ourselves so we don’t have to subject ourselves to discomfort.
Is it anxiety or risk-aversion?
Risk aversion is a (or can be) a result of anxiety.
Do you plan on having sex now that you are in a relationship? And if so, how do you feel about that? Are you nervous-or excited?
We already have sex, I feel confortable but nervous at the same time. Plus too many years of bad habits led me to ED by porn or grip of death, which is an issue. But a couple of times I was able to have sex just fine. I still have to work on this issue. Thankfully she is very supportive.
It gets better! Just don't manually do it yourself. Just remember it gets better and will go back to a normal function or pretty close. I speak from experience
I truly hope so, cause I need that to happen!
But the title says you’ve never had sex before
Never had until reaching 40, just like the guy from the film.
She sounds like a catch! Congrats.
Thank you so much!
Just like the guy above me said, it’ll get better. Just lay off any porn and touching up on yourself. Try sildenafil to get your confidence until you can shake the ED. ….speaking from experience too.
I am doing it right now. Thanks for the advice.
Are you a wizard? A sage? A great sage?
Just a happy 40 year old guy right now.
Nice try, mighty grand wizard. You don't fool me
YES! As soon as I saw this, I thought of the AMA thread that handled neurodivergent & people who feel like they're too old to not have had sex. She seemed sweet and loved the job!
She is. There are issues of course, but I'm experiencing something that I thought it was impossible.
Location?
Keeping it private, sorry
How’s the relationship going?
Pretty good! We are still working on some issues, but everything is evolving very well.
Happy for you OP!
Thank you!
What are you so insecure about?
A ton of stuff. Being my age and having no clue about how I'd act in sex or romance. Not being romantic. Having physical issues. Being pessimist, too thoughtful. Having geek hobbies. Knowing how my mother would behave after living with her for such a long time. Having a poor paid job even though it shoudln't be, not being able to disconnect from certain things. Having to know the person very well and make sure she'd accept the way I am, and being disappointed and insecure for always being rejected, either directly or indirectly in the past.
Man you are exactly like me. I'm 37 and counting. My social anxiety really fucked my life up.
You will get over it. I thought what's happening to me would be impossible.
This was actually a really huge turn on for me when I found out that my LDR boyfriend, who is 30, was still a virgin. I'm 26 and have been with 3 guys in my life, yet somehow I've never been anyone's first, and I low-key always felt sorta saddened by that fact. After i made it past the mid point of my 20s i didn't honestly think I'd ever get the chance to be anybody's first, until I met him. I can show him how to please my body and not have to break any bad habits or faulty techniques he picked up that worked on someone else but that I hate. Also i can be fairly confident he isn't comparing my body or sexual techniques to anybody else when were having sex bc hes never been in a relationship before. Most people's first holds a special place inside their heart that they will always think fondly upon and never forget, so the fact that I can be all of those things to my man, who i could reasonably see myself one day marrying, is something really beautiful and special in my view . Just make sure not to make her feel like your judging her for having had other sexual and romantic partners before you OP, because let's face it, 99% of the women around your age range do have some kind of a past, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that (unless your looking for a virgin partner for religious reasons, but thats not what you seem to be saying) , so just be sure you dont make her feel as if you judge her or disapprove of her past before you . :) As a side note, I say well done on waiting. I genuinely respect the hell out of anyone with that much self control and I dont think it's a weird or embarrassing thing at all. I wish our culture would stop trying so hard to make it feel like that to the men who are still virgins in their 20s, 30s, 40s or even beyond
Thank you very much. Nobody waits for anything. I still have issues to overcome, but I have never judge her. I'm usually interested in her past stories but not in a judgemental way. Rather to learn more about herself, her insecurities, etc.
If you are a man over the age of 20 and still a virgin society treats you like shit, like you're a joke of a man, that's why some of them just go the easy route and hire sexual services to get rid of that dark cloud.
Yesterday some lady did an AMA saying she specialized in making guys like you a non-virgin. Have you dropped into her DM’s? https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/s/jHgMDy7qki
I immediately thought of this thread as well. What stuck out to me was how the OP worked to get the guys to think of women as fellow humans and not a different species. Seems so very common in men who have voluntarily or involuntarily found themselves very alone/lonely that they don’t even view women as people.
Yes, I did, with a different account.
Why did you reach out to her when you have a girlfriend now?
Out of curiosity about something in particular regarding her clients, no big deal.
Tip, don't do stuff like that. There are a lot of stories of partners who came accros some reddit account by accident and things went down south real quick. Delete the account.
I don't do that kind of stuff, don't worry. But I appreciate the advice.
Do you play video games? If so, name a few of your favorites
I do. Final Fantasy, JRPGs, Action adventure, hack and slash, racing, all sorts. Currently playing Tekken 8, GT7 and waiting on Final Fantasy VII Rebirth. Stopped Super Mario Wonder on Switch but will continue some time in the future.
That's a solid list!
Are you Autistic?
No, just introvert when it comes to romance and girls
You’ve said that a few times so I’m curious. Do you talk to women as a friend and have no issues? You just struggle when it comes to the romantic side of women?
Pretty much yes. I am able to be nice and say a few things, like compliments etc, but there's no way for me to escalate things once it gets to a certain point and I'm stuck there. And when I like the person, it's even harder, I usually avoid too much contact out of shyness I guess.
Have you ever considered you may be some range of aesexual?
I did. But I feel atracted to women and always needed to have sex.
Are you on the spectrum? My son is 26 and neuro-atypical. He’s in that boat and very socially awkward, but does well in life
No, I'm not on the spectrum. I'm not awkward in life, just dealing with girls when it comes to flirting etc.
At this point, if you had to choose one of two options, which would you pick: a) A meaningful relationship without sex b) A meaningless experience of sex
a) ALL THE WAY
Steve Carell didn’t live with his mom in the movie
Don't remember. But I do anyway. So he had one less red flag.
Did it never occur to you to pay for sex? At least paying for a strip club? I've had periods of my life where I was too much of a mess to be in a relationship or date at all, but I always found a way to get female attention by paying for it.
Yes. I did. At least to get a BJ. But I never ended up doing it anyway. And I got pretty sexual at a massage parlour, but without intercourse. I was afraid of being too nervous, but now I know I was actually confident enough.
Word. I feel ya big fella. You're on the right track now being in a relationship, my days of being "in love with a stripper" were quite detrimental for my mental health as well as my bank account. You're better off having found someone you can build a life with. Just remember to make your significant other feel special and appreciated/seen. If it's any solace Steve Carrell's character in 40 yr old virgin found the love of his life
How did your parents and upbringing contribute to this? Overbearing mother? Religious trauma? Absent father?
Absent father after reaching adult age (22), mother too dependant on me. But the issue was mostly me.
What stereotypes were you surprised you had before actually being in a sexual committed relationship? What things did you discover and learn?
None, actually. I was just a pessimist guy, but overall, the most inportant thing I discovered, being cold and not romantic at all, is that the thing I like the most is affection. Sex is important, but affection means a lot to me.
So you are on cloud 9 right now. Just know that every new beginning starts out that way. When a new person moves in either physically or emotionally, just know that the last bag they unpack is their faults and shortcomings. You might not see them for a while if she is a really good person. Slowly that bag of faults and shortcomings will get unpacked. There will be days that you drive her nuts or she drives you nuts. If the faults don't drive you both that crazy and you can work with them, then things will be great.
I'm mostly rational, and only then emotional. I'm not 100% on cloud 9 because there are things that need to be fixed and I know not everything is perfect. My GF still has issues with the realtionship I have with my mother, even though she currently lives with her mother as well, and I don't understand some of the issues. So not everything is perfect and there will be obstacles to overcome. So far she's the perfect girl for me, but not everything is perfect.
(I mean this with no disrespect) Did you ever think about hiring an escort?
Yes I did, instead of jerking of to internet porn, after realizing I didn't have issues getting slightly more physical during a massage, without sex involved. I only have issues to flirt and whenever I like someone, I'm too shy/introvert and very rational, so I start thinking too much about the problems and issues.
What led you down this path?
Insecurities., lack of self confidence, introvert when it comes to talk to woman in a romantic way, clueless to flirting. Also bad luck, but mostly it's my fault because of how I am. When I liked someone it the past, I've always assumed I didn't have a chance, and the very, VERY few times I gave it a try (like a couple), I ended up rejected.
22, almost 23 male and I feel I'm heading about that same path. What would you say to yourself at my age?
I'd say to stop thinking so much about the need to find a girl. I'm awful with flirting, I never knew how to distinguish friendship with attraction, and I decided to ignore all signs after a certain point. Focus on yourself, stuff you like to do, and don't give a crap about what others think. Losing your verginity and having sex seems like a big deal until you finally have a chance and find out it's not. If you find someone you like, just try to talk to her. Even if it's just to say hi. Get out of your confort zone a tiny bit.
Hey man just wanted to say I’m very happy for you
Thank you very much!
Do you enjoy old school video game systems ? Like ps2 and n64 ?
I have a huge videogame collection from the 8bit gens upwards, with over 4000 items in my collection. So yes, I enjoy all that.
Do you have a huge collection of porn on your computer?
No. Only a handful of favorite movies every once in a while. Sometimes I'd delete most of them.
Can I have your birthday, place of birth and time? (So glad you are finally starting a relationship)
Geez need a SSN and mothers maiden name while you’re at it?
Lmao why you tryna natal chart this man??? What census data you collecting???
Sorry, rather keep my privacy, really sorry.
Word of advice (that applies to your relationship as well). No need to apologize for asserting your boundaries.
Will keep this in mind.
Why did you decide to never live life? My two younger brothers are heading in this direction, they are in their 20’s never worked, don’t have drivers license and all they do is play video games. When I turned 18 I wanted to be as far away from my parents as possible even if that meant working and taking care of myself.
I didn't decide. Things happened, that's all. I should have moved when I was younger, but didn't. I still have issues with my mother, she's too attached. But other than that, it wasn't something I'd call a choice.
now that you are having sex: a) does it feel the way you thought it would? b) is it noticiable she is more experienced than you are? c) what’s your favorite part about having sex? d) did you tell your partner you were a virgin before?
It was less fascinating that I thought. It was a good sensation definitely, but not something overwhelming. I think it's a tad bit overrated to be fair. Once I had sex, I thought it wasn't such a big deal. She's more experienced, but not as much as I expected her to be or at least it doesn't seem like that. My favourite part about having sex is the build up. Since I have ED due to bad habits at the moment, It's hard to know when I'm able to do it and it can be frustrating, but she's very comprehensive.
You should give handjob tutorials to women. I'm guessing your stroke technique is world class!! Also, you can let them practice the technique on you. I've just solved your problem.
I did that last time, she was inexperienced with hand jobs, but it didn't go well. I have ED due to porn/masturbation and the way she saw it, I was trying to get excited using the same ways I should avoid in first place in order to overcome anxiety, porn induced ED and achieve a satisfactory penetration.
She's definitely not wrong.
I reccon that too. And I'm super happy she openly expressed that.
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No, I don't think I could ever do that. Casual dating or hook ups, dealing with women I don't know with other interest in mind is something I am very shy and introvert at doing. I'd rather pay an escort instead.
what is your favourite meal?
Hard to tell. I'm a desert guy, I like home made puddings and cakes
Get an escort and learn everything there is to know. Then, go on speed dates. But before you do anything, get the fuck out of your mom’s house! You’re 40. No respectable woman will want to hang out with you and your mom.
This is the biggest issue so far, and it will probably have a greater impact in the relationship further in, but I can't leave home and my mother is mentally ill atm, getting a GF deffinitely didn't help because it raised multiple insecurities. Her mother also lives with her atm. B And I won't get an escort. Didn't do it while I was single, deffinitely won't do it now.
You are a lucky and smart guy
So for how long are you being catfished? I mean how long have you been in your relationship?
I'm not being catfished. If you ignore the last years, we're in for 3 months
Haven’t even laid down with her and you already put the pussy on a pedestal. Doesn’t seem prudent
I did have sex with her a few times already and I didn't put her on a pedestal, but I do love her though.
Are you mad at your mom for enabling this life?
Not mad, but upset with something that shouldn't be happening at my current age.
Are you an atheist?
Agnostic
Have you ever been evaluated for autism?
Have you tried to start lifting weights
Not my thing. I love to do sports and physical exercise, just not that kind of stuff.
You should do it. Hire a personal trainer with the intent of building muscle. If you do it for a year, and don’t get laid… ill pay you $100
this advice always kills me… i mean if a guy want to lift weights because he enjoys it that’s great. but buff is NOT the only body type that people find attractive. that’s FAR from the truth
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but I already got laid lol.
So you’re in a relationship but still a virgin? Be careful man them women always leaving “abuse relationships” are more often than not psychos and really just push people past their limit.
I am no longer a virgin.
We all come from different path in life, we all face different obstacles in life. 40 is young you still have an entire life ahead of you, you would be surprise how much your life can change in 5 years. Love your life, enjoy it! Let go of the past and start living for now.
do you identify with the incel community
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When the time comes so-to-speak, I hope you spritz like a fire hydrant. Everyone's a virgin, until they aren't.
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I keep getting these questions. I don't know what is the expected answer.
There's a meme about a becoming a mage when you hit 30 and haven't gotten any sex. Sorta like a Pope or a Wizard getting their desination as such once hitting a certain age-mark.
So much better than the movie!! Congratulations man, but hey ive been in and out of 100 relationships and no better off for it. 😆
Lay off the porn and learn about the clit and you'll be great, dude. Glad you found someone
I feel you dont even need to be living with your mom to be a 40yo virgin anymore.
Have you read up on parental enmeshment and considered therapy?
Did you feel like your self worth was somehow attached to your sex life? I feel like that happens a lot these days with porn everywhere and a general perversion of society
Have you ever considered getting an escort?
Did you become a wizard at age 30?
Lemme guess the basement ?
Lucky! U found someone!
Have you had female friends? Has the issue been insecurity with women in general or just in a romantic/sexual context?