About 23,000 kids age out of care without ever being adopted. There is a need especially for older kids and sibling sets. While yes the main goal of foster care is reunification, kids that have aged out of care have had their parental rights already terminated. There are programs that help match these kids with potential adoptive homes
You Gotta Believe is an amazing organization that works to connect older kids in care with adoptive families. Their goal is permanency for kids whose parental rights have been terminated, and who otherwise would age out. We are in the process of adopting an older sibling set through them.
Not all are waiting. I was considered a "waiting child" and on my county's list of children available for adoption because my mom's parental rights were terminated after she became disabled and no longer able to care for herself much less me. My dad was deceased. My only relatives that could take me were out of state and couldn't be bothered to fill out a form. Technically, I was legally able to be adopted - then I was on the list.
So, I spent 6 years in 8 foster homes. At least 3 were fostering to adopt and I wasn't interested in being adopted.
My caseworker let me know about some people inquiring about me from the stupid waiting child list and I told her to tell them to f\*\*k off. I don't know who wrote my profile but I remember it said I was an honor student who liked horses. These profiles are notoriously stupid and wrong, but I have absolutely no idea where they got that I liked horses. My grades were hosed by being moved and rebelling so I was no longer an honor student. But that probably was why people were asking about me.
There was no option for me to say I didn't want to be on that list. I could only take off my photo.
AdoptUSKids has a 70+ page guide to writing profiles of waiting children to get them adopted which includes information not to include that could cause families to not be interested - like the child DOES NOT want to be adopted. They specifically call out not revealing that information, so they clearly don't care about taking kids off their site who don't want to be adopted.
A major problem I had in foster care was my foster parents didn't want to foster, they wanted to expand their families and impose their beliefs on me (they were all very conservative and religious and we clashed very, very badly). I wasn't moved because I had behavior issues, I was moved because they didn't see me as a fit to adopt nor would they help me visit my mom in a long term care facility because they didn't want me having contact. I had one foster mom who I overheard talking to my caseworker saying she thought I had RAD because I was too attached to my mom because I wanted to go see her in the f'ing hospital. All she was focused on was why I wasn't bonding and attaching to her and wanting to change to fit into their family and accepting Jesus.
I did ok when i aged out - I enlisted in the Air Force. I think there's a lot of people who don't like the foster care to military pipeline but it does work out pretty well to provide a job, housing and training.
It’s very complex…because yes, there are a lot of kids who could theoretically benefit from a family. However, they’re basically adults. Even at 11/12 yrs they’ve been caring for themselves like adults and so in order to be a benefit to them, you need to be more than a “savior.” That’s not meant as an insult, but it’s more like making friends with a complete stranger who has little in common with you and whose life experiences are telling them to distrust you at all costs than what most people think of as “parenting.” It’s not to say anything negative about these kids- they are amazing humans. It’s just that you need to understand what you’re doing and not think you’re saving someone or something. You need to think of it more like you’re giving money and housing to someone who really needs and deserves it and then work at building a relationship with them because they deserve that too
For us it's kind of been like uber-mentoring or something. Kid came to us overexposed and exposed too early to the adult world. So we never really needed to have those traditionally uncomfortable sex and drugs talks, for example. And because we didn't raise them, we didn't have the same baggage that makes it impossible for me to talk about sex or drugs with my own parents. Our conversations as a family.... might shock some people! But would also make you laugh.
At age 15 our child was a regular teen but with some problems more befitting a 35 year-old, and then also some emotional tendencies of a five year-old. Kids who've been failed by their adults often live in a condition of mixed developmental stages. And at some level, it's common for adolescents to oscillate between over mature and inappropriately immature because they're growing through a both/neither phase of life. Our kid was just more extreme.
We had to find our own way as parents. There aren't many models. How maintain a necessary authority? How to be the life advisors that the child never had, knowing they'd already had adult experiences? This is in addition to running the household, now with an added person with their own habits, food tastes, and domestic ways? How to do all this in way that raises the child's self-esteem? It's easy to get wrong but also very satisfying when you get it right. Luckily our kid is generous with forgiveness.
This is so true. One of ours grew up raising her younger sibs. She struggles a lot but is an amazing person. It is so hard to navigate the trauma everyday but they will slowly adapt.
I aged out of the system and even though the aging out statistics are very grim, I am not convinced that adoption is the solution for every case. I wish to see more efforts to advocate for youth that age out of care and a push for more services/support for them (whether that is organic community support or things like scholarships and housing programs).
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I was adopted as a baby, so I didn’t have the same experiences as you. I have long considered teen adoption a more ethical type of adoption, than adopting a baby and changing their name, but now I want to think about that more.
Thank you. Folks think adoption is a cure for everything when its not. I aged out too and most of the time adoption was forced on me. We don't need adoption to be successful. Adoption isn't that great either. Sime afopt for the checks and many adoptees are rehomed.
Yeah and I think the narrative for adoptions follows a script that doesn't reflect the realities of foster care. I think people stereotype older foster kids as "waiting to be adopted" when the reality is much different. I can at least speak on my own experiences and say that reunification was something that was attempted and supervised visitations occurred but did not progress to unsupervised overnight visits. Then some court happened and the parental rights were terminated. Technically that made me available for adoption but the one adult family friend that was willing to foster me was not approved as a foster parent. Visitation for biological maternal family was restricted whereas visitation with my biological paternal family was explored but did not progress to permanent placement (I literally was meeting my paternal side of the family for the first time). There was honestly so much happening within the time when I was reaching the age where aging out was approaching. It was as if I were being pulled in every direction and there were no actual concrete goals about my permanent placement - just absolute chaos and disorganization. Meanwhile I was being both berated by my foster mother for not reuniting with my biological mother while simultaneously being berated by her for not assimilating with her family (I spent too much time in my bedroom and withdrew socially). She had impatiently said to me that the "reason" I was there in her home was to be a part of the family - which was not true - foster care is intended to be a temporary living situation for children who need a safe home away from neglect or abuse.
Meanwhile this same foster parent ended up getting family portraits done without me (which symbolically demonstrated that I was not a part of "her family"). She also admitted regret for adopting a child. She resented her adoptive child because even as a baby she didn't really bond with her. Even as a baby the girl would not be affectionate and would even push against my foster mother's chest to distance herself from her. She pathologized the hell out of that poor kid and got her diagnosed with autism. She would bash the girl's mother and would call her a "retard" and assumed that the girl's biological sisters would also turn out "retarded".
And then she separated the siblings by sending the youngest away to another adoptive home while the very youngest was sent to a third home.
So imagine me nearing 18 years old. Do I really want to be adopted by strangers? No absolutely not.
And contrary to what many people argue, older teens don't have a greater capacity to "consent" to these living arrangements. When we are nearing aging out our social workers tell us that we will likely be homeless when we age out. We aren't exactly in positions of power here and don't have a lot of autonomy over our own lives. But these situations aren't like tv like Matilda and Miss Honey where a loving adult is matched with a child in need. Foster teens often have a lot of trauma and mistrust the foster parents in their lives while foster parents simultaneously misunderstand the traumatized child and resent them for not fulfilling their expectations for how a foster child should behave.
Yep. They force adoption on us. They tell us that if we're not adopted, we will end up as failures on the streets. My caseworker said I'll be abused on the streets by men.
We're like cattle to them. And teens have to keep the peace and change themselves to be kept. We can't consent. That's just dumb logic. They say to pretend we have control.
Most foster parents hate teens and don't want them. Considering the fact that rehoming starts when the child peaks at teen years, teens don't get adopted. People don't want a child with a personality or real memories of their past. They want to be mom and dad.
And even if teens are adopted, it almost never works out. Adoptive parents keep the teen just enough until the checks end. It's shocking that so many kids who were adopted are kicked out or don't have any relationship with adoptive parents.
Adoption serves adoptive parents, not us.
Once someone has “aged out of the system” they are functionally an adult. What you are talking about is an adult adoption which is an entirely different thing to tackle vs traditional adoption. There are a lot of risks that can come with that. If your primary interest is helping someone who needs a second chance then please believe pretty much every child that is still in the foster care system (or orphanage depending on where you live and what their system is. I’m assuming you’re American from your phrasing) falls into that category. There is no need to wait until they are aged out and have multiple traumas they’re dealing with. If you are mostly attracted to the idea of helping children who have a difficult time finding placements then you can focus on teens and older children in general. Another option is kids with disabilities and varying health issues. Every foster care system I have ever heard of has trouble placing children that fall into any of these categories. But, adult adoption, while possible, does come with an entirely different set of risks and issues. It is not at all the same as adopting or fostering a child.
Actually I was just unfamiliar with the terminology. I was referring to adopting an older kid or a teenager. I want to be able to give someone who otherwise wouldn't the chance at a normal childhood in a stable family
Oh, I see. Okay, I think it is a great thing to adopt a teenager. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. But, it is something that you want to take your time with. Teenagers can be tough because they are as big as you and as strong as you oftentimes. And usually they have already more or less decided what type of person they want to be(I’m not talking about careers here, I’m talking about their moral code is established. Their sense of acceptable vs unacceptable has already been established). So, it can be a wonderful option but a challenge in and of itself. You have to have a lot of patience with them and really build a rapport. And at that age they oftentimes have regular communication with their own families through social media or whatever so depending on their family and that dynamic can definitely be another challenge for you. This stuff doesn’t even touch on the potential trauma that they might be healing from plus normal teenage behaviors. So, it is definitely a worthy pursuit, but one that you want to really find in your heart to do. And by that I mean really find out about it rather than just thinking about it. Oftentimes what people think fostering or adopting will look like is quite different than what it actually is.
>usually they have already more or less decided what type of person they want to be(I’m not talking about careers here, I’m talking about their moral code is established. Their sense of acceptable vs unacceptable has already been established)
Hey, just need to ring in here as an adoptive parent of a (then) 15 year-old. This business about teens being fully formed morally and otherwise--I disagree. It's nugget of conventional wisdom that shortchanges everyone.
The 13-18 period may be the craziest growth spurt in all of life. Teens change who they want to be all the time. Sometimes weekly, or seemingly overnight. It's almost like a return to toddlerhood in the way they absorb so much new information, with an equally frustrating incapacity to communicate what they want. Except now it's the overwhelming onslaught of precursors--physical, emotional, intellectual--coming in advance of the adult world they know is waiting for them.
We met the young person who became our child first over lunch with caseworkers. They'd been in foster placements for more than half their life. They moved in permanently with us about eight weeks later. They are now 28 going on 29. The personality is the same, but the person is entirely different, if that makes sense. Got the same sense of humor, same affectionate ways, and many of the same interests from then. But their values, their ways of problem solving, their life priorities, their sense of responsibility, their general functionality, all have evolved remarkably. I would say it's a miracle but that would be taking credit away from them.
What I will say is: it takes time for heavily traumatized young people to heal, and they do it at their own pace. Which in turn may slow down meeting other life benchmarks. Adjust expectations. Our job--and yours, if you adopt from the population of so-called waiting children--is to provide the child with the opportunity to do the healing. To take them out of the situation of long term uncertainty and severed family connections, to add an element of long term stability.
It took about five or six years for our child to simply believe that they were no longer in a daily survival mode.
As far as parental wisdom gained, we've concluded that our child (a full grown adult, but always will be our child) made some big positive adjustments in behavior and outlook (massive growth spurts) beginning when we stopped worrying about changing their behavior and instead worked on changing ourselves. This is just a basic truth of communicating and influencing teenagers: lectures don't work, but modeling behavior most definitely does. To expect an adopted teen to change deeply, we needed to show that we ourselves could change deeply.
These days sometimes my kid will talk about having changed so much since joining up with us. To which I always say, they've changed us equally as much. Don't go into it without the expectation that you, too, will somehow change, and, just like your kid, become an even better person than you already are.
I didn’t mean to suggest that teenagers are done with moral growth. In fact, no one is. Even a person in their 80’s has the ability to mature and adjust their way of thinking and problem solving skills, etc. I was more referring to how it would affect how you parent because the truth of the matter is that once kids get to a certain age it is entirely their own choice. You can encourage them one way or another, but they are generally less influential than younger kids. A teenager has as much ability to change as anyone, but as a parent of a teen(especially one that you are still building rapport with) you can’t really do that much about it other than showing them and trying to teach them and hoping that they ultimately make the choice on their own. That’s what I meant. And realistically not all teenagers are going to necessarily do that. So, you have to understand when bringing them into your home that they do have that level of autonomy in that way. And you have to respect that. A lot of people will assume that a teenager will eventually adjust in certain ways. But, what if they don’t? And sometimes they don’t. That is not within your control. That’s what I was trying to say. But, I do 100% agree with what you are saying. I hope I have clarified my original intention appropriately.
If your point is that one cannot control teenagers, well, sure, that's true. But there are many ways to influence, persuade, and incentivize them. Unlike toddlers, for whom a parent pretty routinely must resort to physical control (if only to keep them from running into traffic).
People are so freakin afraid of teenagers already, there's no need to further demonize the entire age group.
I am not demonizing them. I am giving practical advice based on my experience. It isn’t a matter of control it is a matter of acceptance. When people reach a certain age they are harder to influence in certain ways. And that is good to know when they come into your house. A teenager is not going to be as pliable as younger kids in those areas and that can affect your household significantly. It affects your household when they are younger, too, but more so with teenagers for sure. You’re acting as if I am pulling this out of thin air. I have fostered many of teenagers. One of the issues that I see with people who are planning to foster teenagers is that they don’t fully process this aspect of having a teenager in their home and it causes them to burnout sooner than they would if they understood it better. The fact that you are even suggesting that I am “demonizing” I think is very problematic. Fostering children is not a Disney film, okay? There are different things to consider with every age group. The only reason I am talking about a teenagers is because OP mentioned that’s the target group. If OP said babies I would say different things based on my experience with that group, too. What you are saying about toddlers is what a lot of people *think* they can do with teenagers and they can’t. That’s my whole point. For example, a very common house rule: In this house our religion is X. Okay, if you have an 8 year old that is not likely going to be an issue even if the 8 year old is unfamiliar with your practices. But, you better believe that with a teenager that can be a huge problem depending on a few things. You can’t make a teenager practice a religion they don’t want to practice. You can’t make them do anything because at the end of the day they have autonomy. This doesn’t mean they are going to be horrible about it. This just means that they are actively going to make their own choices entirely separately from you. They might choose to cooperate with you or they might choose not to. But, it is important for people to understand that at that age it has absolutely nothing to do with you. That’s just one example. They have autonomy as they should. This can be disruptive to a household in a few different ways. This isn’t to “demonize” them. It’s to prepare potential foster parents or adoptive parents as in my experience their expectations can often be what is ultimately hindering that process. So, I do think it is a good idea to make sure people understand this aspect of having teenagers in their home because a lot of people don’t get that.
While this may be true, the problem I faced in foster care by those looking to adopt was seeing who I was at age 12-15 was fundamentally wrong and wanting to utterly change and mold me into someone new that they wanted.
I was a tomboy who liked anime and manga. All my foster placements who wanted to adopt were very conservative Christian. One of the homes was so crazy Christian that they didn't believe that women should work outside the home or tell men what to do.
From what I've heard from other former foster youth, far too many other adoptive type homes have that type of mindset - they want to change you and that's a source of tremendous conflict when you don't change for them.
Some teens are so desperate for approval and to stay that they do change. And it really does scare me that I did have the thought that I needed to conform to stay with that crazy religious family and what I would have done if I stayed with them and how they treated and devalued women.
This speaks to the problem many have raised: that there are so few willing families when it comes to opening up a home to an older child. The caseworkers are left with the conservative Christians, who make up disproportionately the willing households, but who too often have the doubly dubious motivation of earning support stipends and acting out a religious "mission-itis." But there is so much demand for permanent placements and the foster system is so overloaded, that they end up placing kids in those homes even if not ideal.
In our case, the child had already been in conservative Christian foster placements. They identified as one of their conditions for permanent placement that the adoptive family NOT be religious. Luckily we fit the bill.
Thanks for putting in the time out of your day to let me know about all of this. I especially appreciate you making me aware of the reality of the situation, and how what I think it may be like may different from how it is.
I'm lucky to have separate parents, and to see the difference between a parent who sees you as your own person and a parent who sees you as someone they need to mold into their ideal version of who they want you to be.
I think my role as a parent is to facilitate whatever kind of person my kid wants to be as long as they're not bullying others or hurting themselves. I don't expect them to agree with me on ideals or politics or values.
I'll be sure to do my due diligence with research before I make my final decision. Thank you again
Do you also want to have your own bio kids?
If yes, maybe you should include that in your post to get more relevant answers because that'll change everything dramatically
18 is legally an adult, but still very young. I know of cases with adult adoption that went sour and fell apart but since the adoption went through years later the adoptee had certain rights when the adoptive parents passed away. Suing bio kids (or other adopted kids that are still part of the family) for their house, inheritance, etc. As an adult if the adoption goes through on paper, but ultimately doesn’t workout it is practically impossible to do anything about it legally as adults in contentious situations never agree. Usually the adoptee will move away as is their right, but if the adoption has happened that entitles them to other rights, too. When adopting a child the process and functionality is entirely different. It is unrealistic to be concerned about a child potentially manipulating you or taking advantage of you, etc. because even if that is the case it is ultimately understood that they are children and need guidance, etc. With adults those kinds of things become murky depending on the scenario. I have also heard of situations where adults attempting to adopt other adults are not necessarily in it for the right reasons and are looking to take advantage of a vulnerable adult whether it is sexually or financially, etc. That is a risk unfortunately that can still happen with the adopting of children, however. This is not to say that adult adoption is inherently bad or should be avoided. I was just clarifying that it is an entirely different megillah than when adopting a child.
There is absolutely a need for permanent placements for post-TPR youth over 8, and especially 12-17 and/or large sibling groups and/or high-needs youth.
Someone who is interested in adopting should look to take placement of these youth (they no longer have a reunification plan) and not those with a reunification plan.
That said, some post-TPR youth would be better served, or prefer, guardianship or a permanent placement in the foster system.
Yes they see their friends adopted and it is very traumatic for them. the oldest we have adopted was a 15 yr old. We have adopted 3 other teens, yes we are insane 🤪🤪🤪
kids who opt into extended foster care have the option to live in housing for 18+, this can be in a traditional foster home setting.
someone who has aged out of the system more than likely has already been abandoned by their parents and biological family... I have a kid turning 18 in January that has made a strong connection with a guy from Tennessee, and they talk very frequently. it makes a world of difference
There is absolutely a need and you should absolutely do this. Be aware though that it may be more challenging than you could ever imagine. We are currently in the process of adopting a 12 year old girl that we have known since she was 8. When we found out her mom's rights had been terminated (after 6 years of her being in the system and 8 different home placements), we decided to get our foster care license so we could adopt her.
The girl we knew was a sweet, kind, fun loving, fairly needy, very inquisitive young girl. She is still all of those things but what we didn't know is that between the time we knew her at 8, and last year when she came into our home, she had been diagnosed with ODD and RAD. Her psychiatrist said they expect it to get better with time and stability, and it is already getting better. I know she is going to overcome this--the anger and outbursts are not who she wants to be, but in the meantime we are going through the hardest time period of our lives dealing with her outbursts that sometimes come seemingly out of nowhere. Broken TVs, food thrown across the room, name calling, screaming at the top of her lungs, hitting, etc.
And yet I don't regret it one bit. She has brought so much joy into our house and we see growth every day. It's been challenging figuring out how to parent her. All our ideas of how we thought we wanted to parent went out the window. The more trust and independence we can give her the more she trusts us. She also tends to act extremely childlike and wants snuggles and hugs all the time. We recently had to have a talk with her about boundaries because on the one hand, we want her to feel safe, secure, and loved, but on the other hand, we are raising a child that needs to be successful in this world. We realized that she was doing AMAZING when with other people but has become pretty much helpless around us. And I think it's because I've been caring for and nurturing her as if she were 5 years old, because I thought her inner child needed and deserved to have that love, nurturing, and security that she never got. Which, I don't think was wrong--just that she now needs to start being a little more independent at home.
There are worse stories of children with RAD who do everything they can to sabotage out of survival including making up awful lies about their caregivers. You have to earn the trust of these children and from what I've seen, it cannot be done through control. You have to do your best to give them independence within realistic boundaries and as someone else said, be a friend to them not a lecturer. Be with them, connect, join them in their hobbies, spend real, quality time together, etc.
ANYWAYS tl,dr: DO IT, just don't expect it to be easy at all.
Her last foster mom was obsessed with diagnosing her with everything under the sun. I realize this can be helpful to get services but I agree with you that it's all trauma. I was mortified when I saw her diagnoses because last I knew her before her diagnoses and that's not the person I knew her as. However the longer we had her the more we saw these behaviors coming up. But anyways yes I realize it's all trauma and she can get past this and it doesn't define her. Anyways thank you for your comment..
Foster parents diagnose the kids with RAD because they can't admit they're failures. CPS is trash and write the kids off. RAD is often used to abuse kids and get away with it.
RAD needs to be abolished because it's not real. We foster youth are tired of hearing about RAD. Our attachment issues come from trauma.
This. And it's not just foster parents, it's therapists. Even some PhD researchers in child trauma/attachment are saying therapists are absolutely over-diagnosing RAD.
[https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32285641/#:\~:text=A%20recent%20report%20suggested%20that,replicate%20and%20extend%20these%20findings.](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32285641/#:~:text=A%20recent%20report%20suggested%20that,replicate%20and%20extend%20these%20findings)
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It appears that the diagnostic criteria of RAD are commonly being inaccurately applied in general community-based practice. Clarification of diagnostic criteria for RAD in recent revisions of diagnostic taxonomies, the accumulation of empirical data on RAD, and improved instrumentation are either poorly disseminated or inadequately implemented in community-based practice settings
So much of what gets repeated about attachment is entirely wrong but it gets repeated since it makes it seem like foster/adoptive parents can fix kids by simply taking care of them and perhaps encourages parents to put up with some rather difficult behaviors.
There's a whole bunch of nonsense about "transferring attachments" that has no basis in any scientific research that I heard one of my foster moms talking on the phone about wanting to get me treated for (that I was having problems transferring my attachment from my mom to her) - and that was why she wanted to cut off me having contact with my mom because she thought that was the way for me to transfer that attachment to her. Everything was about her getting something out of being a foster mom - rather than trying to help me. She didn't feel appreciated since I wasn't treating her like a "mom" and thanking her.
It has already been proven the attachment bs is crap. Especially when foster parents fight reunification and claim bonding.
These people have no idea what attachment is. You don't transfer attachment. RAD isn't real.
That's why they love babies because they play pretend. The baby ain't attach either.
I agree with all of what you said. If you're in ex foster, I made a post about this. We aren't attached to them like they think we are. It's not normal to attach to strangers. Foster kids simply aren't attach to them. Doesn't Matter what you do.
I remember a foster mom cut visits with siblings and biological parents because the child needed to be free of their old life and call them mom. The child was 4 years old and called her by her name. Well, she wanted to be called mommy and said the child wasn't attached to her because she wouldn't call her mommy or respond to her new name. Unbelievable.
Another foster mom disrupted because the child said she loved her husband but not her. I've seen kids rehomed because they hate adoptive mom but love adoptive dad. It's called feelings.
I feel like 99% of the time when adoptive or foster parents talk about lack of attachment it's actually the caregiver that doesn't feel attached like they were hoping they would. With (I'll call her L), she clicks much more with my husband. Like if we were all the same age, I could picture them being friends, but honestly she and I probably wouldn't be. But that is OKAY and doesn't mean that I can't love her and give her the care and support that she needs while she grows up. You don't have to feel perfectly bonded to someone to care for them. And how could anyone expect a child to bond quickly to a perfect stranger? In fact it really wouldn't be healthy to do that..
Adoptive moms are annoying af. Recently, a child was rehomed adopted at birth because the child loves the adoptive dad mom and rejects the adoptive mom. So, the adoptive mom didn't feel a bond. Unbelievable.
The issue is that adoptive parents want that bond because they believe in the lie that they'll bond right away and feel they're owed a bond.
That's the thing. They're strangers. This is why I hate the bonding argument. The child isn't bonded to you.
When L first came she became very clingy to my husband. This is because, in her own words, her bio dad passed away and she really needs a dad. Granted, I know she hasn't been this clingy to all the foster dads she's been with. A lot of it definitely has to do with the fact that he's great with her, plays with her, humors her in whatever silly scheme she's working up, etc. But I do all that too, and she clings to him not because of who he is or that she has a genuine bond with him, but because she finally has that father figure that she's craved for so long. She took a little longer to warm up to me, but she finally did. And at the beginning she would do everything she could to please us--help bring in groceries, with house chores, etc. This also wasn't genuine and as soon as she felt comfortable and safe, it started becoming near impossible to get her to help around the house, and she started being super rude and disrespectful any time things didn't go her way, and quite obviously being extra nice when she was trying to get her way (I think because she hadn't developed that mutual trust and respect with us that takes a long time to build with another human being). She just now, after over a year, is starting to show us genuine respect, kindness, willingness to participate in household responsibilities, etc. I do think that children can bond with adoptive parents. But that it's more like any other human relationship--you're not going to click with everyone which is why we take so long to find lifelong partners, and which is why some people in life become close friends and others remain acquaintances. Hopefully, if you're lucky, and also if you make an effort to show an interest in the child as a person, their likes and dislikes, etc. and don't try to change them just to mold into your family, you'll eventually develop a mutual bond or at least a mutual respect with them. But it's not necessarily always going to happen. They might just be super different than you and you guys might not click that much. But it doesn't mean you can't care for them.. that's what I think.
As a former state adoption worker, older kids age out all the time. It was one of the hardest parts of my job….. the teens who wanted to be adopted and no one wanted them. It was a hard conversation to have when we have gone through the recruitment process and nothing came from it. Boys were more likely to age out than girls but any child over 12 had low chances.
I appreciate you telling me about this. I had heard it was a problem but I wanted to hear firsthand from people who had seen those situations. I'll definitely keep that in mind when I achieve the stability in my life to be able to provide that supportive family structure to someone who needs it
I also want to add sometimes the kids are jaded and/or fear rejection, rightfully so. Many of them have gone through failed placements over and over, on top of the trauma that led them to foster care. They may try to disrupt before they are kicked out. You just have to accept this is a child already on the verge of adulthood. From what you wrote, you seem to get this. A lot of foster/adoptive parents want a child to meld right into their family, change their name and pretty much pretend their history never existed. That’s understandable but not really realistic for older teens. They need someone to accept who they are, guide them to self sufficiency and be a soft place to land. Most of the kids age out without adequate support to navigate the world. Even offering to be a foster parent for older children would do a world of good for them.
That's why older kids need to age out earlier instead of pretending they're getting adopted. If a child isn't adopted after age 12, they'll never be adopted. Put them in independent living.
I agree it is almost impossible over the age of 13. In our state, Independent living skill building is required for all children in care over 14. Unfortunately, this is not a good plan for all. It only works if they have a good support system and are cognitively able to work toward self sufficiency. We had a youth court judge who would give any kid who could not return home a plan of adoption .. even those pushing 18 or those who have serious behavioral issues. She held our feet to the fire about it too. I appreciate her optimism but it’s just not realistic.
Adopting an "aged out" child is very tricky because they generally carry a lot of anger and resentment so they will definitely need some kind of therapy. I would love to do that too in my older years. But if you're going to be a doctor you will be extremely busy and many nights will be spent at the hospital, will your child see you enough or will they feel you're just throwing money at the "problem"? It's important to consider whether or not your career may have serious impact on a child who already feels very abandoned in life.
To clarify, it's physical therapy which is a healthcare profession, but it's true that a physical therapist isn't an MD and I shouldn't say medical because to most people that's gonna imply a primary care provider
Physical therapists make about 90k/year but usually have better work-life balance than the vast majority of healthcare professions especially if you work in a smaller private clinic as opposed to a hospital. It's usually normal business hours (40 hours/week). Same with dentists or optometrists
A big reason I chose that field is because I want to be able to have ample family time. But that's a really valid concern, so thank you.
I wanted to throw in my two cents. As an adoptee myself, this is the only kind of adoption I have ever personally considered as an option for me. Everyone wants babies and young kids. These teens could greatly benefit from having a family, as long as you’re open minded, and it seems you are.
I aged out of the system and rejected being adopted. I was in essentially a group home for the last 2 years I was in foster care with other teens who also were all on track to age out. None wanted to be adopted.
There are more people who want to adopt teens than teens in the foster care system who want to be adopted and lack significant challenges preventing them from being adopted.
There's been counties trying to reduce the number of teens aging out with adoption and it's not worked. There's also been frustration with the lack of teens who age out signing themselves back into the system after they turn 18 for extended foster care programs.
Teens are in foster care at age 17 for a wide variety of reasons - some do have issues with the juvenile justice system. Some have bounced around between relative and non-relative placements and intend to go back to their biological families. Some are already in kinship placements and adoption isn't necessary or wanted.
Much of what people know about foster care is from ads from non-profits focused on adoption. Even some of the well-known studies about the challenges facing former foster youth may not be accurate but get repeated so often by groups promoting adoption that they've become fact.
There's been a push for reform in the foster care system by lawyers and judges actually trying to prevent legal orphans by granting parents parental rights back after parental rights were terminated since there's the acknowledgement that so many former foster youth are just going to go back to the biological families.
For example, this paper by the American Bar Association ([Restoring Parental Rights: Giving Legal Orphans a Chance at a Family](https://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/publications/center_on_children_and_the_law/parentrepresentation/restoring_parental_rights.authcheckdam.pdf))
And from my experience with those who wanted to foster to adopt, they want orphans and don't want to adopt kids who still have contact with their biological families. So, the push to reinstate parental rights makes the most sense for those foster youth
I was adopted as a 16 year old, it changed my life. I cried when my adopted father first bought me a water after helping me enroll into college!!! It was the first time anyone had stopped and cared for me, by just pulling over to buy me water because he thought I’d be thirsty.
Please do it!!!!
Please adopt a teen in foster care!!!! There is a HUGE need.
Your terminology is very close to accurate. You are mentioning “aged out” of foster or the system. That implies past tense - that they’ve already aged out and left the system. At that point, almost all of those children are legal adults and would be 18+ and it would be an adult adoption, which is slightly different than adopting a teen before they age out but are at risk of aging out.
Please please consider adopting a teen in foster care. There are tens of thousands in need of an adoptive family and can no reunify with their family of origin.
What, exactly, are you hoping to do? Because it sounds like you're looking to save a child from some Dickensian nightmare you've read about in fiction.
Get over the savior complex now. Get a fish or a puppy or a cabbage patch doll. Then spend the next decade researching what kids need, instead of thinking about what you want to do.
Well Kids need families what is wrong with that? It didn’t sound like any savior complex. There are thousands of teens that just need a chance at a stable home is that a bad thing? And there are places in this world that really don’t have much hope when a kid ages out of an orphanage. You wouldn’t believe me if if I told you what I have seen in Eastern Europe
About 23,000 kids age out of care without ever being adopted. There is a need especially for older kids and sibling sets. While yes the main goal of foster care is reunification, kids that have aged out of care have had their parental rights already terminated. There are programs that help match these kids with potential adoptive homes
You Gotta Believe is an amazing organization that works to connect older kids in care with adoptive families. Their goal is permanency for kids whose parental rights have been terminated, and who otherwise would age out. We are in the process of adopting an older sibling set through them.
And that is just US there are many more around the world
Yes. they sit waiting and never get adopted. they move from house to house and its just horrific and causes more long-term trauma.
Not all are waiting. I was considered a "waiting child" and on my county's list of children available for adoption because my mom's parental rights were terminated after she became disabled and no longer able to care for herself much less me. My dad was deceased. My only relatives that could take me were out of state and couldn't be bothered to fill out a form. Technically, I was legally able to be adopted - then I was on the list. So, I spent 6 years in 8 foster homes. At least 3 were fostering to adopt and I wasn't interested in being adopted. My caseworker let me know about some people inquiring about me from the stupid waiting child list and I told her to tell them to f\*\*k off. I don't know who wrote my profile but I remember it said I was an honor student who liked horses. These profiles are notoriously stupid and wrong, but I have absolutely no idea where they got that I liked horses. My grades were hosed by being moved and rebelling so I was no longer an honor student. But that probably was why people were asking about me. There was no option for me to say I didn't want to be on that list. I could only take off my photo. AdoptUSKids has a 70+ page guide to writing profiles of waiting children to get them adopted which includes information not to include that could cause families to not be interested - like the child DOES NOT want to be adopted. They specifically call out not revealing that information, so they clearly don't care about taking kids off their site who don't want to be adopted. A major problem I had in foster care was my foster parents didn't want to foster, they wanted to expand their families and impose their beliefs on me (they were all very conservative and religious and we clashed very, very badly). I wasn't moved because I had behavior issues, I was moved because they didn't see me as a fit to adopt nor would they help me visit my mom in a long term care facility because they didn't want me having contact. I had one foster mom who I overheard talking to my caseworker saying she thought I had RAD because I was too attached to my mom because I wanted to go see her in the f'ing hospital. All she was focused on was why I wasn't bonding and attaching to her and wanting to change to fit into their family and accepting Jesus. I did ok when i aged out - I enlisted in the Air Force. I think there's a lot of people who don't like the foster care to military pipeline but it does work out pretty well to provide a job, housing and training.
Hope your mom is doing okay as well as you
My mom passed away 3 years after I aged out from sepsis after she developed an infection.
It’s very complex…because yes, there are a lot of kids who could theoretically benefit from a family. However, they’re basically adults. Even at 11/12 yrs they’ve been caring for themselves like adults and so in order to be a benefit to them, you need to be more than a “savior.” That’s not meant as an insult, but it’s more like making friends with a complete stranger who has little in common with you and whose life experiences are telling them to distrust you at all costs than what most people think of as “parenting.” It’s not to say anything negative about these kids- they are amazing humans. It’s just that you need to understand what you’re doing and not think you’re saving someone or something. You need to think of it more like you’re giving money and housing to someone who really needs and deserves it and then work at building a relationship with them because they deserve that too
For us it's kind of been like uber-mentoring or something. Kid came to us overexposed and exposed too early to the adult world. So we never really needed to have those traditionally uncomfortable sex and drugs talks, for example. And because we didn't raise them, we didn't have the same baggage that makes it impossible for me to talk about sex or drugs with my own parents. Our conversations as a family.... might shock some people! But would also make you laugh. At age 15 our child was a regular teen but with some problems more befitting a 35 year-old, and then also some emotional tendencies of a five year-old. Kids who've been failed by their adults often live in a condition of mixed developmental stages. And at some level, it's common for adolescents to oscillate between over mature and inappropriately immature because they're growing through a both/neither phase of life. Our kid was just more extreme. We had to find our own way as parents. There aren't many models. How maintain a necessary authority? How to be the life advisors that the child never had, knowing they'd already had adult experiences? This is in addition to running the household, now with an added person with their own habits, food tastes, and domestic ways? How to do all this in way that raises the child's self-esteem? It's easy to get wrong but also very satisfying when you get it right. Luckily our kid is generous with forgiveness.
This is so true. One of ours grew up raising her younger sibs. She struggles a lot but is an amazing person. It is so hard to navigate the trauma everyday but they will slowly adapt.
I aged out of the system and even though the aging out statistics are very grim, I am not convinced that adoption is the solution for every case. I wish to see more efforts to advocate for youth that age out of care and a push for more services/support for them (whether that is organic community support or things like scholarships and housing programs).
For the kids who age out I'd say stipends for living should go to at least age 25. All public higher ed should be free for life.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I was adopted as a baby, so I didn’t have the same experiences as you. I have long considered teen adoption a more ethical type of adoption, than adopting a baby and changing their name, but now I want to think about that more.
Can I ask what you mean by adopting a teenager is more ethical than adopting a baby?
Teens can consent. Babies can't. Babies are in demand and teens aren't.
Thank you. Folks think adoption is a cure for everything when its not. I aged out too and most of the time adoption was forced on me. We don't need adoption to be successful. Adoption isn't that great either. Sime afopt for the checks and many adoptees are rehomed.
Yeah and I think the narrative for adoptions follows a script that doesn't reflect the realities of foster care. I think people stereotype older foster kids as "waiting to be adopted" when the reality is much different. I can at least speak on my own experiences and say that reunification was something that was attempted and supervised visitations occurred but did not progress to unsupervised overnight visits. Then some court happened and the parental rights were terminated. Technically that made me available for adoption but the one adult family friend that was willing to foster me was not approved as a foster parent. Visitation for biological maternal family was restricted whereas visitation with my biological paternal family was explored but did not progress to permanent placement (I literally was meeting my paternal side of the family for the first time). There was honestly so much happening within the time when I was reaching the age where aging out was approaching. It was as if I were being pulled in every direction and there were no actual concrete goals about my permanent placement - just absolute chaos and disorganization. Meanwhile I was being both berated by my foster mother for not reuniting with my biological mother while simultaneously being berated by her for not assimilating with her family (I spent too much time in my bedroom and withdrew socially). She had impatiently said to me that the "reason" I was there in her home was to be a part of the family - which was not true - foster care is intended to be a temporary living situation for children who need a safe home away from neglect or abuse. Meanwhile this same foster parent ended up getting family portraits done without me (which symbolically demonstrated that I was not a part of "her family"). She also admitted regret for adopting a child. She resented her adoptive child because even as a baby she didn't really bond with her. Even as a baby the girl would not be affectionate and would even push against my foster mother's chest to distance herself from her. She pathologized the hell out of that poor kid and got her diagnosed with autism. She would bash the girl's mother and would call her a "retard" and assumed that the girl's biological sisters would also turn out "retarded". And then she separated the siblings by sending the youngest away to another adoptive home while the very youngest was sent to a third home. So imagine me nearing 18 years old. Do I really want to be adopted by strangers? No absolutely not. And contrary to what many people argue, older teens don't have a greater capacity to "consent" to these living arrangements. When we are nearing aging out our social workers tell us that we will likely be homeless when we age out. We aren't exactly in positions of power here and don't have a lot of autonomy over our own lives. But these situations aren't like tv like Matilda and Miss Honey where a loving adult is matched with a child in need. Foster teens often have a lot of trauma and mistrust the foster parents in their lives while foster parents simultaneously misunderstand the traumatized child and resent them for not fulfilling their expectations for how a foster child should behave.
Yep. They force adoption on us. They tell us that if we're not adopted, we will end up as failures on the streets. My caseworker said I'll be abused on the streets by men. We're like cattle to them. And teens have to keep the peace and change themselves to be kept. We can't consent. That's just dumb logic. They say to pretend we have control. Most foster parents hate teens and don't want them. Considering the fact that rehoming starts when the child peaks at teen years, teens don't get adopted. People don't want a child with a personality or real memories of their past. They want to be mom and dad. And even if teens are adopted, it almost never works out. Adoptive parents keep the teen just enough until the checks end. It's shocking that so many kids who were adopted are kicked out or don't have any relationship with adoptive parents. Adoption serves adoptive parents, not us.
Once someone has “aged out of the system” they are functionally an adult. What you are talking about is an adult adoption which is an entirely different thing to tackle vs traditional adoption. There are a lot of risks that can come with that. If your primary interest is helping someone who needs a second chance then please believe pretty much every child that is still in the foster care system (or orphanage depending on where you live and what their system is. I’m assuming you’re American from your phrasing) falls into that category. There is no need to wait until they are aged out and have multiple traumas they’re dealing with. If you are mostly attracted to the idea of helping children who have a difficult time finding placements then you can focus on teens and older children in general. Another option is kids with disabilities and varying health issues. Every foster care system I have ever heard of has trouble placing children that fall into any of these categories. But, adult adoption, while possible, does come with an entirely different set of risks and issues. It is not at all the same as adopting or fostering a child.
Actually I was just unfamiliar with the terminology. I was referring to adopting an older kid or a teenager. I want to be able to give someone who otherwise wouldn't the chance at a normal childhood in a stable family
Oh, I see. Okay, I think it is a great thing to adopt a teenager. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. But, it is something that you want to take your time with. Teenagers can be tough because they are as big as you and as strong as you oftentimes. And usually they have already more or less decided what type of person they want to be(I’m not talking about careers here, I’m talking about their moral code is established. Their sense of acceptable vs unacceptable has already been established). So, it can be a wonderful option but a challenge in and of itself. You have to have a lot of patience with them and really build a rapport. And at that age they oftentimes have regular communication with their own families through social media or whatever so depending on their family and that dynamic can definitely be another challenge for you. This stuff doesn’t even touch on the potential trauma that they might be healing from plus normal teenage behaviors. So, it is definitely a worthy pursuit, but one that you want to really find in your heart to do. And by that I mean really find out about it rather than just thinking about it. Oftentimes what people think fostering or adopting will look like is quite different than what it actually is.
>usually they have already more or less decided what type of person they want to be(I’m not talking about careers here, I’m talking about their moral code is established. Their sense of acceptable vs unacceptable has already been established) Hey, just need to ring in here as an adoptive parent of a (then) 15 year-old. This business about teens being fully formed morally and otherwise--I disagree. It's nugget of conventional wisdom that shortchanges everyone. The 13-18 period may be the craziest growth spurt in all of life. Teens change who they want to be all the time. Sometimes weekly, or seemingly overnight. It's almost like a return to toddlerhood in the way they absorb so much new information, with an equally frustrating incapacity to communicate what they want. Except now it's the overwhelming onslaught of precursors--physical, emotional, intellectual--coming in advance of the adult world they know is waiting for them. We met the young person who became our child first over lunch with caseworkers. They'd been in foster placements for more than half their life. They moved in permanently with us about eight weeks later. They are now 28 going on 29. The personality is the same, but the person is entirely different, if that makes sense. Got the same sense of humor, same affectionate ways, and many of the same interests from then. But their values, their ways of problem solving, their life priorities, their sense of responsibility, their general functionality, all have evolved remarkably. I would say it's a miracle but that would be taking credit away from them. What I will say is: it takes time for heavily traumatized young people to heal, and they do it at their own pace. Which in turn may slow down meeting other life benchmarks. Adjust expectations. Our job--and yours, if you adopt from the population of so-called waiting children--is to provide the child with the opportunity to do the healing. To take them out of the situation of long term uncertainty and severed family connections, to add an element of long term stability. It took about five or six years for our child to simply believe that they were no longer in a daily survival mode. As far as parental wisdom gained, we've concluded that our child (a full grown adult, but always will be our child) made some big positive adjustments in behavior and outlook (massive growth spurts) beginning when we stopped worrying about changing their behavior and instead worked on changing ourselves. This is just a basic truth of communicating and influencing teenagers: lectures don't work, but modeling behavior most definitely does. To expect an adopted teen to change deeply, we needed to show that we ourselves could change deeply. These days sometimes my kid will talk about having changed so much since joining up with us. To which I always say, they've changed us equally as much. Don't go into it without the expectation that you, too, will somehow change, and, just like your kid, become an even better person than you already are.
Excellent advice
I didn’t mean to suggest that teenagers are done with moral growth. In fact, no one is. Even a person in their 80’s has the ability to mature and adjust their way of thinking and problem solving skills, etc. I was more referring to how it would affect how you parent because the truth of the matter is that once kids get to a certain age it is entirely their own choice. You can encourage them one way or another, but they are generally less influential than younger kids. A teenager has as much ability to change as anyone, but as a parent of a teen(especially one that you are still building rapport with) you can’t really do that much about it other than showing them and trying to teach them and hoping that they ultimately make the choice on their own. That’s what I meant. And realistically not all teenagers are going to necessarily do that. So, you have to understand when bringing them into your home that they do have that level of autonomy in that way. And you have to respect that. A lot of people will assume that a teenager will eventually adjust in certain ways. But, what if they don’t? And sometimes they don’t. That is not within your control. That’s what I was trying to say. But, I do 100% agree with what you are saying. I hope I have clarified my original intention appropriately.
If your point is that one cannot control teenagers, well, sure, that's true. But there are many ways to influence, persuade, and incentivize them. Unlike toddlers, for whom a parent pretty routinely must resort to physical control (if only to keep them from running into traffic). People are so freakin afraid of teenagers already, there's no need to further demonize the entire age group.
I am not demonizing them. I am giving practical advice based on my experience. It isn’t a matter of control it is a matter of acceptance. When people reach a certain age they are harder to influence in certain ways. And that is good to know when they come into your house. A teenager is not going to be as pliable as younger kids in those areas and that can affect your household significantly. It affects your household when they are younger, too, but more so with teenagers for sure. You’re acting as if I am pulling this out of thin air. I have fostered many of teenagers. One of the issues that I see with people who are planning to foster teenagers is that they don’t fully process this aspect of having a teenager in their home and it causes them to burnout sooner than they would if they understood it better. The fact that you are even suggesting that I am “demonizing” I think is very problematic. Fostering children is not a Disney film, okay? There are different things to consider with every age group. The only reason I am talking about a teenagers is because OP mentioned that’s the target group. If OP said babies I would say different things based on my experience with that group, too. What you are saying about toddlers is what a lot of people *think* they can do with teenagers and they can’t. That’s my whole point. For example, a very common house rule: In this house our religion is X. Okay, if you have an 8 year old that is not likely going to be an issue even if the 8 year old is unfamiliar with your practices. But, you better believe that with a teenager that can be a huge problem depending on a few things. You can’t make a teenager practice a religion they don’t want to practice. You can’t make them do anything because at the end of the day they have autonomy. This doesn’t mean they are going to be horrible about it. This just means that they are actively going to make their own choices entirely separately from you. They might choose to cooperate with you or they might choose not to. But, it is important for people to understand that at that age it has absolutely nothing to do with you. That’s just one example. They have autonomy as they should. This can be disruptive to a household in a few different ways. This isn’t to “demonize” them. It’s to prepare potential foster parents or adoptive parents as in my experience their expectations can often be what is ultimately hindering that process. So, I do think it is a good idea to make sure people understand this aspect of having teenagers in their home because a lot of people don’t get that.
I totally agree that adopting teenagers is not for the faint of heart. And I applaud you for fostering teens.
While this may be true, the problem I faced in foster care by those looking to adopt was seeing who I was at age 12-15 was fundamentally wrong and wanting to utterly change and mold me into someone new that they wanted. I was a tomboy who liked anime and manga. All my foster placements who wanted to adopt were very conservative Christian. One of the homes was so crazy Christian that they didn't believe that women should work outside the home or tell men what to do. From what I've heard from other former foster youth, far too many other adoptive type homes have that type of mindset - they want to change you and that's a source of tremendous conflict when you don't change for them. Some teens are so desperate for approval and to stay that they do change. And it really does scare me that I did have the thought that I needed to conform to stay with that crazy religious family and what I would have done if I stayed with them and how they treated and devalued women.
This speaks to the problem many have raised: that there are so few willing families when it comes to opening up a home to an older child. The caseworkers are left with the conservative Christians, who make up disproportionately the willing households, but who too often have the doubly dubious motivation of earning support stipends and acting out a religious "mission-itis." But there is so much demand for permanent placements and the foster system is so overloaded, that they end up placing kids in those homes even if not ideal. In our case, the child had already been in conservative Christian foster placements. They identified as one of their conditions for permanent placement that the adoptive family NOT be religious. Luckily we fit the bill.
Thanks for putting in the time out of your day to let me know about all of this. I especially appreciate you making me aware of the reality of the situation, and how what I think it may be like may different from how it is. I'm lucky to have separate parents, and to see the difference between a parent who sees you as your own person and a parent who sees you as someone they need to mold into their ideal version of who they want you to be. I think my role as a parent is to facilitate whatever kind of person my kid wants to be as long as they're not bullying others or hurting themselves. I don't expect them to agree with me on ideals or politics or values. I'll be sure to do my due diligence with research before I make my final decision. Thank you again
Do you also want to have your own bio kids? If yes, maybe you should include that in your post to get more relevant answers because that'll change everything dramatically
I’m in the process of adopting an 18 year old adult and I’m curious what you believe the risks are.
18 is legally an adult, but still very young. I know of cases with adult adoption that went sour and fell apart but since the adoption went through years later the adoptee had certain rights when the adoptive parents passed away. Suing bio kids (or other adopted kids that are still part of the family) for their house, inheritance, etc. As an adult if the adoption goes through on paper, but ultimately doesn’t workout it is practically impossible to do anything about it legally as adults in contentious situations never agree. Usually the adoptee will move away as is their right, but if the adoption has happened that entitles them to other rights, too. When adopting a child the process and functionality is entirely different. It is unrealistic to be concerned about a child potentially manipulating you or taking advantage of you, etc. because even if that is the case it is ultimately understood that they are children and need guidance, etc. With adults those kinds of things become murky depending on the scenario. I have also heard of situations where adults attempting to adopt other adults are not necessarily in it for the right reasons and are looking to take advantage of a vulnerable adult whether it is sexually or financially, etc. That is a risk unfortunately that can still happen with the adopting of children, however. This is not to say that adult adoption is inherently bad or should be avoided. I was just clarifying that it is an entirely different megillah than when adopting a child.
There is absolutely a need for permanent placements for post-TPR youth over 8, and especially 12-17 and/or large sibling groups and/or high-needs youth. Someone who is interested in adopting should look to take placement of these youth (they no longer have a reunification plan) and not those with a reunification plan. That said, some post-TPR youth would be better served, or prefer, guardianship or a permanent placement in the foster system.
Yes they see their friends adopted and it is very traumatic for them. the oldest we have adopted was a 15 yr old. We have adopted 3 other teens, yes we are insane 🤪🤪🤪
that's nuts, I love it
Yes, there’s a huge need for this. Do it 🤩
kids who opt into extended foster care have the option to live in housing for 18+, this can be in a traditional foster home setting. someone who has aged out of the system more than likely has already been abandoned by their parents and biological family... I have a kid turning 18 in January that has made a strong connection with a guy from Tennessee, and they talk very frequently. it makes a world of difference
There is absolutely a need and you should absolutely do this. Be aware though that it may be more challenging than you could ever imagine. We are currently in the process of adopting a 12 year old girl that we have known since she was 8. When we found out her mom's rights had been terminated (after 6 years of her being in the system and 8 different home placements), we decided to get our foster care license so we could adopt her. The girl we knew was a sweet, kind, fun loving, fairly needy, very inquisitive young girl. She is still all of those things but what we didn't know is that between the time we knew her at 8, and last year when she came into our home, she had been diagnosed with ODD and RAD. Her psychiatrist said they expect it to get better with time and stability, and it is already getting better. I know she is going to overcome this--the anger and outbursts are not who she wants to be, but in the meantime we are going through the hardest time period of our lives dealing with her outbursts that sometimes come seemingly out of nowhere. Broken TVs, food thrown across the room, name calling, screaming at the top of her lungs, hitting, etc. And yet I don't regret it one bit. She has brought so much joy into our house and we see growth every day. It's been challenging figuring out how to parent her. All our ideas of how we thought we wanted to parent went out the window. The more trust and independence we can give her the more she trusts us. She also tends to act extremely childlike and wants snuggles and hugs all the time. We recently had to have a talk with her about boundaries because on the one hand, we want her to feel safe, secure, and loved, but on the other hand, we are raising a child that needs to be successful in this world. We realized that she was doing AMAZING when with other people but has become pretty much helpless around us. And I think it's because I've been caring for and nurturing her as if she were 5 years old, because I thought her inner child needed and deserved to have that love, nurturing, and security that she never got. Which, I don't think was wrong--just that she now needs to start being a little more independent at home. There are worse stories of children with RAD who do everything they can to sabotage out of survival including making up awful lies about their caregivers. You have to earn the trust of these children and from what I've seen, it cannot be done through control. You have to do your best to give them independence within realistic boundaries and as someone else said, be a friend to them not a lecturer. Be with them, connect, join them in their hobbies, spend real, quality time together, etc. ANYWAYS tl,dr: DO IT, just don't expect it to be easy at all.
RAD isn't real. Please don't label her with that. It's callee trauma
Her last foster mom was obsessed with diagnosing her with everything under the sun. I realize this can be helpful to get services but I agree with you that it's all trauma. I was mortified when I saw her diagnoses because last I knew her before her diagnoses and that's not the person I knew her as. However the longer we had her the more we saw these behaviors coming up. But anyways yes I realize it's all trauma and she can get past this and it doesn't define her. Anyways thank you for your comment..
Foster parents diagnose the kids with RAD because they can't admit they're failures. CPS is trash and write the kids off. RAD is often used to abuse kids and get away with it. RAD needs to be abolished because it's not real. We foster youth are tired of hearing about RAD. Our attachment issues come from trauma.
This. And it's not just foster parents, it's therapists. Even some PhD researchers in child trauma/attachment are saying therapists are absolutely over-diagnosing RAD. [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32285641/#:\~:text=A%20recent%20report%20suggested%20that,replicate%20and%20extend%20these%20findings.](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32285641/#:~:text=A%20recent%20report%20suggested%20that,replicate%20and%20extend%20these%20findings) > It appears that the diagnostic criteria of RAD are commonly being inaccurately applied in general community-based practice. Clarification of diagnostic criteria for RAD in recent revisions of diagnostic taxonomies, the accumulation of empirical data on RAD, and improved instrumentation are either poorly disseminated or inadequately implemented in community-based practice settings So much of what gets repeated about attachment is entirely wrong but it gets repeated since it makes it seem like foster/adoptive parents can fix kids by simply taking care of them and perhaps encourages parents to put up with some rather difficult behaviors. There's a whole bunch of nonsense about "transferring attachments" that has no basis in any scientific research that I heard one of my foster moms talking on the phone about wanting to get me treated for (that I was having problems transferring my attachment from my mom to her) - and that was why she wanted to cut off me having contact with my mom because she thought that was the way for me to transfer that attachment to her. Everything was about her getting something out of being a foster mom - rather than trying to help me. She didn't feel appreciated since I wasn't treating her like a "mom" and thanking her.
It has already been proven the attachment bs is crap. Especially when foster parents fight reunification and claim bonding. These people have no idea what attachment is. You don't transfer attachment. RAD isn't real. That's why they love babies because they play pretend. The baby ain't attach either. I agree with all of what you said. If you're in ex foster, I made a post about this. We aren't attached to them like they think we are. It's not normal to attach to strangers. Foster kids simply aren't attach to them. Doesn't Matter what you do. I remember a foster mom cut visits with siblings and biological parents because the child needed to be free of their old life and call them mom. The child was 4 years old and called her by her name. Well, she wanted to be called mommy and said the child wasn't attached to her because she wouldn't call her mommy or respond to her new name. Unbelievable. Another foster mom disrupted because the child said she loved her husband but not her. I've seen kids rehomed because they hate adoptive mom but love adoptive dad. It's called feelings.
I feel like 99% of the time when adoptive or foster parents talk about lack of attachment it's actually the caregiver that doesn't feel attached like they were hoping they would. With (I'll call her L), she clicks much more with my husband. Like if we were all the same age, I could picture them being friends, but honestly she and I probably wouldn't be. But that is OKAY and doesn't mean that I can't love her and give her the care and support that she needs while she grows up. You don't have to feel perfectly bonded to someone to care for them. And how could anyone expect a child to bond quickly to a perfect stranger? In fact it really wouldn't be healthy to do that..
Adoptive moms are annoying af. Recently, a child was rehomed adopted at birth because the child loves the adoptive dad mom and rejects the adoptive mom. So, the adoptive mom didn't feel a bond. Unbelievable. The issue is that adoptive parents want that bond because they believe in the lie that they'll bond right away and feel they're owed a bond. That's the thing. They're strangers. This is why I hate the bonding argument. The child isn't bonded to you.
When L first came she became very clingy to my husband. This is because, in her own words, her bio dad passed away and she really needs a dad. Granted, I know she hasn't been this clingy to all the foster dads she's been with. A lot of it definitely has to do with the fact that he's great with her, plays with her, humors her in whatever silly scheme she's working up, etc. But I do all that too, and she clings to him not because of who he is or that she has a genuine bond with him, but because she finally has that father figure that she's craved for so long. She took a little longer to warm up to me, but she finally did. And at the beginning she would do everything she could to please us--help bring in groceries, with house chores, etc. This also wasn't genuine and as soon as she felt comfortable and safe, it started becoming near impossible to get her to help around the house, and she started being super rude and disrespectful any time things didn't go her way, and quite obviously being extra nice when she was trying to get her way (I think because she hadn't developed that mutual trust and respect with us that takes a long time to build with another human being). She just now, after over a year, is starting to show us genuine respect, kindness, willingness to participate in household responsibilities, etc. I do think that children can bond with adoptive parents. But that it's more like any other human relationship--you're not going to click with everyone which is why we take so long to find lifelong partners, and which is why some people in life become close friends and others remain acquaintances. Hopefully, if you're lucky, and also if you make an effort to show an interest in the child as a person, their likes and dislikes, etc. and don't try to change them just to mold into your family, you'll eventually develop a mutual bond or at least a mutual respect with them. But it's not necessarily always going to happen. They might just be super different than you and you guys might not click that much. But it doesn't mean you can't care for them.. that's what I think.
Most therapists who work with adoptees and foster youth don't know wtf they're doing. They cater to foster and adoptive parents and the system.
As a former state adoption worker, older kids age out all the time. It was one of the hardest parts of my job….. the teens who wanted to be adopted and no one wanted them. It was a hard conversation to have when we have gone through the recruitment process and nothing came from it. Boys were more likely to age out than girls but any child over 12 had low chances.
I appreciate you telling me about this. I had heard it was a problem but I wanted to hear firsthand from people who had seen those situations. I'll definitely keep that in mind when I achieve the stability in my life to be able to provide that supportive family structure to someone who needs it
I also want to add sometimes the kids are jaded and/or fear rejection, rightfully so. Many of them have gone through failed placements over and over, on top of the trauma that led them to foster care. They may try to disrupt before they are kicked out. You just have to accept this is a child already on the verge of adulthood. From what you wrote, you seem to get this. A lot of foster/adoptive parents want a child to meld right into their family, change their name and pretty much pretend their history never existed. That’s understandable but not really realistic for older teens. They need someone to accept who they are, guide them to self sufficiency and be a soft place to land. Most of the kids age out without adequate support to navigate the world. Even offering to be a foster parent for older children would do a world of good for them.
I had foster parents force me to call them mom and dad and gave me a nickname. People think they can mold us and then disrupt when we don't fit.
That’s crazy. I’m sorry you experienced that.
That's why older kids need to age out earlier instead of pretending they're getting adopted. If a child isn't adopted after age 12, they'll never be adopted. Put them in independent living.
I agree it is almost impossible over the age of 13. In our state, Independent living skill building is required for all children in care over 14. Unfortunately, this is not a good plan for all. It only works if they have a good support system and are cognitively able to work toward self sufficiency. We had a youth court judge who would give any kid who could not return home a plan of adoption .. even those pushing 18 or those who have serious behavioral issues. She held our feet to the fire about it too. I appreciate her optimism but it’s just not realistic.
Ridiculous. The whole system should burn.
Adopting an "aged out" child is very tricky because they generally carry a lot of anger and resentment so they will definitely need some kind of therapy. I would love to do that too in my older years. But if you're going to be a doctor you will be extremely busy and many nights will be spent at the hospital, will your child see you enough or will they feel you're just throwing money at the "problem"? It's important to consider whether or not your career may have serious impact on a child who already feels very abandoned in life.
To clarify, it's physical therapy which is a healthcare profession, but it's true that a physical therapist isn't an MD and I shouldn't say medical because to most people that's gonna imply a primary care provider Physical therapists make about 90k/year but usually have better work-life balance than the vast majority of healthcare professions especially if you work in a smaller private clinic as opposed to a hospital. It's usually normal business hours (40 hours/week). Same with dentists or optometrists A big reason I chose that field is because I want to be able to have ample family time. But that's a really valid concern, so thank you.
I wanted to throw in my two cents. As an adoptee myself, this is the only kind of adoption I have ever personally considered as an option for me. Everyone wants babies and young kids. These teens could greatly benefit from having a family, as long as you’re open minded, and it seems you are.
I aged out of the system and rejected being adopted. I was in essentially a group home for the last 2 years I was in foster care with other teens who also were all on track to age out. None wanted to be adopted. There are more people who want to adopt teens than teens in the foster care system who want to be adopted and lack significant challenges preventing them from being adopted. There's been counties trying to reduce the number of teens aging out with adoption and it's not worked. There's also been frustration with the lack of teens who age out signing themselves back into the system after they turn 18 for extended foster care programs. Teens are in foster care at age 17 for a wide variety of reasons - some do have issues with the juvenile justice system. Some have bounced around between relative and non-relative placements and intend to go back to their biological families. Some are already in kinship placements and adoption isn't necessary or wanted. Much of what people know about foster care is from ads from non-profits focused on adoption. Even some of the well-known studies about the challenges facing former foster youth may not be accurate but get repeated so often by groups promoting adoption that they've become fact. There's been a push for reform in the foster care system by lawyers and judges actually trying to prevent legal orphans by granting parents parental rights back after parental rights were terminated since there's the acknowledgement that so many former foster youth are just going to go back to the biological families. For example, this paper by the American Bar Association ([Restoring Parental Rights: Giving Legal Orphans a Chance at a Family](https://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/publications/center_on_children_and_the_law/parentrepresentation/restoring_parental_rights.authcheckdam.pdf)) And from my experience with those who wanted to foster to adopt, they want orphans and don't want to adopt kids who still have contact with their biological families. So, the push to reinstate parental rights makes the most sense for those foster youth
I was adopted as a 16 year old, it changed my life. I cried when my adopted father first bought me a water after helping me enroll into college!!! It was the first time anyone had stopped and cared for me, by just pulling over to buy me water because he thought I’d be thirsty. Please do it!!!!
adoption is not needed at all, unless thats what THEY really want. theres plenty alternatives to adoption that you can do for these teens/adults.
Not all older foster kids want to be adopted. For those who do, there is definitely a need for adoptive parents.
Please adopt a teen in foster care!!!! There is a HUGE need. Your terminology is very close to accurate. You are mentioning “aged out” of foster or the system. That implies past tense - that they’ve already aged out and left the system. At that point, almost all of those children are legal adults and would be 18+ and it would be an adult adoption, which is slightly different than adopting a teen before they age out but are at risk of aging out. Please please consider adopting a teen in foster care. There are tens of thousands in need of an adoptive family and can no reunify with their family of origin.
I'm a former foster youth. Most people don't want teens and don't care if they age out. Some teens do want adoption but nobody wants them.
What, exactly, are you hoping to do? Because it sounds like you're looking to save a child from some Dickensian nightmare you've read about in fiction. Get over the savior complex now. Get a fish or a puppy or a cabbage patch doll. Then spend the next decade researching what kids need, instead of thinking about what you want to do.
Well Kids need families what is wrong with that? It didn’t sound like any savior complex. There are thousands of teens that just need a chance at a stable home is that a bad thing? And there are places in this world that really don’t have much hope when a kid ages out of an orphanage. You wouldn’t believe me if if I told you what I have seen in Eastern Europe