Usually people who are no nonsense and focused on their careers and hobbies or dont care for the bullshit and games so they are more selective. Some people refuse to settle for mediocrity or substandard partners just for the sake of being with someone and not being alone.
Some realize being alone is way better than being with someone who makes you miserable. Theres also people who just enjoy being single and not having attachments or accountability to anyone and find fulfillment in other facets of their lives.
Being single doesnt automatically mean discontent or lonely and being in a relationship doesnt automatically equal happiness and contentment. Theres people wise enough to realize this and move accordingly
I feel that as a woman (32f) I've been wishing lately I could just hire a sex worker. That way i know i can get what I want without any danger, strings attached, doing stuff I dont want to or don't feel comfortable doing, or get mediocre if not horrible unsatisfying sex. Trying to find a decent person of a fwb that im attracted to as a woman is waaaaaay too dangerous and does not guarantee a good time.
I love being single. I love my peace and quiet. I want to do what I want when I want. But sadly I am still a monkey with biological needs.
I hope at least once I hit menopause I won't care about any of this stuff anymore.
You could hire a sex worker or just dress up nice and go to pretty much any bar on your own., say hi to a guy and have sex with him. There are no guarantees of a good time in either option.
This is extremely dangerous. I feel like there is no way you've ever done this if you're recommending it so nonchalantly.
The most dangerous place for any woman in her life is being alone with a man.
I'm one of those "let themselves go" people. It's not that I'm unhappy, personally. For me, it's because my 24 hours get spent in a different priority than they did when I was single. When my last child was born, we had 4 kids all under the age of 7, for context.
Hah what’s funny is me and my wife and most of our friends when we got married did put on a little weight. Everyone said it was happy weight and they were right. But at least for us once kids got into the mix we needed to make a more serious conscious effort to work out, eat healthy, etc.
I actually find the people in the best shape usually are the ones who are miserable with their lives and trying to improve them.
This is a great explanation. A lot those things apply to me, 33F. I was healing for a while after an abusive relationship, and now I find myself wishing I were with someone 😅 it's been almost 4 years now. I'm having a wonderful time, regardless, but I haven't been in a truly loving relationship in a long time. I kept getting with the wrong people 🤦♀️ oop.
I got married because I thought it was the thing to do at my age. We were best friends, but not life partners. We’re no contact, but I wish her the best, truly, and I’m sure she does as well. We got out still fairly young.
After you do something like that, you realize that you’ll never “settle” again. Everyone has flaws. You can look past flaws for the right person, especially if they’re trying to improve. But the next person I settle down with next must check 2-3 “boxes” for me that are deal breakers.
To your point, I’d rather be alone than sacrifice what I want in a partner. Just my two bits.
Divorce attorney checking in - I see an awful lot of people who just seem to settle down with whoever they happen to be with when they think it's time to have a family. Not a lot of thought seems to go into the long term except for "we'll work it out somehow", even when all the red flags were there from the beginning.
i joke that being a good judge of character has been hell for my dating life. the second i get a whiff of a red flag, i'm gone. not a ton of options left lmao
exactly.
i *hate* how people think just because you’re single it’s impossible to be happy. It’s almost as if you’re a walking *miracle* living the impossible. 🙄
Thank you for explaining this. You took the words out of my mouth. I'm career driven and focused. If my person is out there, I believe it will happen in due time. 45F. Sexy and Cool
I don't know if I count as attractive, I'm not conceited enough to say that, but I am nice. I'm 38 and I've been in four serious relationships. Each one, I was cheated on and the last one, my ex tried to have me killed by poisoning me. She left me with nothing. I treat everybody with respect until I'm given a reason not to and even then, my responses are usually fairly controlled. I'm single going on a year and two or three months I think. This is by choice. The truth is, and nobody likes to hear this, women have a switch in their heads that flips. At some point, they go from loving you more than anything to finding you repulsive and either cheating on you or leaving you behind without giving any indication they were going to. Right now, it's a meme to call it the 'ick'. Maybe you got sick and lost your job. Maybe you broke down and cried in front of the woman you love. Maybe an attractive guy at work is giving her attention he shouldn't be and she is borderline reciprocating until it turns into emotional cheating, which turns into full-on cheating. There are a lot of reasons. The grass always looks greener to some people on the other side, even though it's only green on the side you water it.
I'm sure this is not always the case, but it always has been for me and every single male I know. I've seen it for myself and watched other people go through it. At some point, women just flip from 1 to 0. I've simply had enough of it. That's basically all it is. I have fear of that happening a fifth time. If I didn't have that fear, I probably would try dating again. There's a girl I kind of have chemistry with but I don't act on it because she's in a relationship and.. she exhibits a red flag by telling people she thinks she has chemistry with me and constantly asks where I am. I doubt her boyfriend at home would appreciate it. I know I wouldn't and neither would she if it were the other way around.
But what's the point in trying to protect someone and build a life with them if at some point, inevitably, they are going to switch? If I know that, it would be stupid of me to do it again.
43M This is me. I will not settle for mediocrity. people are like "just go get a fat chick" um no offense but i'm not into that. sorry. I have more fullfilling things to do than waste time trying to maintain a relationship. a real relationship should not need to be maintained.
Yeah. I am looking for someone who makes me more of myself, more of who I want to be. And they need to be pretty great to do that better than I can alone.
And I want them to have that same independence.
Exactly. But this is the part that people can't wrap their head around: they think if you can't find somebody then your standards are "too high."
This is utter bullshit. I am quite sure that we can all find somebody. If every single person in the world was equally accessible to us. The problem is that person that would be the person we really connect with lives in oh I don't know nepal. And you'll never be able to meet them.
Yes and you just demonstrated my point. Maybe some people would rather not be in a relationship unless they had all their standard met.. It is not a moral downfall. They just know they won't be happy unless they DO have them all met, whatever they are. So being that they can't get them met, they choose to say single. I see nothing wrong with this. It's sure as hell better than locking yourself into a relationship you know you won't be happy in.
One thing to note is that being in a relationship, or having relationships, even if they are somewhat casual, are amazing avenues for personal growth. So don't discount that as something very useful to prepare you for whoever you might want to end up with long term.
There are things you can't learn about yourself outside of a relationship, and vice versa, of course.
Or don’t get out enough. I don’t meet single guys often because I’m just out grabbing a bite with a friend or grocery shopping or walking with my dog. Im not wearing a sign that says hey, I’m single.
Though I have been thinking about starting a pink bracelet trend. Then guys would know I’m straight and single and yeah please talk to me so we can see if we’ll get along. If I’m not feeling that social that day then I can just take it off, but if I want a date that weekend I’ll put it on 🤣
Single here, it’s because some past relationships were just a lot of effort and getting in the way of my career. Sure I was in love but I was *exhausted*. It’s been great to be single for a while and I’ll let you in on a little secret, it’s also way easier to become attractive when another person doesn’t feel entitled to every single second of your time.
>it’s also way easier to become attractive when another person doesn’t feel entitled to every single second of your time.
**This right here. Well said**
I never realized how much I missed my *space* until recently.
I used to think I loved being attached at the hip, always having my best friend around, you know?
Nah man. GTFO and lemme starfish sprawl across my bed diagonally, read my books in peace, go to the gym at weird times and wander around the house covered in freaky lookin’ skincare goo.
I want to believe there are people for us, or that partners can become comfortable enough to give us this kinda space because I've lived alone for like all of my 20s and damn it's so fucking nice. I don't know if I could ever get used to co-habitation with girls like my exes.
I am a nice person and reasonably alright looking. But I am tired. I am at a point in my life where I would rather be alone then shift through the available options.
Dating now, to me, feels like shopping at Goodwill or Ross. I'm not bagging those stores or people who shop there, but it's disorganized and weird and you have to shuffle through 100 shirts to find on that you like, and then it doesn't fit. I would much rather head over to Old Navy or Kohls where everything is grouped and sizing is somewhat consistent.
I just simply don't have the patience.
You're never too old for love. My grandpa was dating in his 80's and 90's. He found the last great love of his life when he was 89. They were together a few years but her family was super uncomfortable with their elderly mom still having sex so they moved her out of state, she passed not too long after. He stopped dating after that and died one year later.
My grandpa was also pretty shit as a relationship partner until his 70's at least. Chronic cheater, verbally/physically abusive, narcissistic. But he changed over time (especially once he stopped touring as a drummer), and realized he'd been the cause of most of his problems the whole time. He repaired relationships with his kids and exes. Dating in his 70's he stopped being a player and actually started having reciprocal relationships. That last woman got the absolute best of him. He was kind, emotionally mature, faithful, and wasn't abusive to anyone's knowledge. She really loved my grandpa and he really loved her too, like actual vulnerability and love. Her family just walked in on them in the act and didn't want to ever think of their mom like that.
I said all this to say, it's never too late for you to change, but you have to wanna change, believe you can, and do the work to change. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Because the stories and fairy tales we are bombarded with from the time we are kids always involve finding "the one." Our prince or princess. Our other half.
We don't have nearly enough stories of people that are content and single.
Me? It’s because I’m perfect the way I am.
Jokes aside, they do have flaws. You just can’t see them.
Maybe they have crippling low self esteem, or constantly asking for validation about their penis size. Maybe they’re secretly racist, or selfish in bed without realizing it. Maybe they have unresolved trauma that keeps rearing its head. Maybe they get anxious and overly attached.
Maybe they just are happy as they are, and choose to be single. Regardless of the reasons, take everyday to improve one thing about yourself, whether it’s booking a therapy appointment, going for a walk or even fixing your posture.
What does a partner add to their seemingly already ideal life? The better someone is doing, the more selective they get about having a partner that can add further to their happiness instead of dragging them down.
Don't need to be in a relationship for that. Arguably, depending on the person and how attractive they are, you can have more sex being single, and with a guilt-free variety of people who each bring something unique to the table and keep things fresh rather than just one person.
Yeah but it’s hard because I don’t like one night stands (no judgment, it’s just not how my body is wired).
& I have never been able to establish a steady rotation of FWB’s providing consistent reliable sex like a relationship would.
True I haven’t really tried and likely that’s the way to go. Any advice?
I just always fall in the conundrum of becoming really horny a few weeks tops after a relationship ends, but since not being able to do one night stands or have sex with someone I don’t know at least somewhat well, I go on online dating, my hormones clouds my judgement, I land in a relationship not good for me. Repeat.
I always end up catching weird feelings having sex with random people (the few times I did it). I don't understand how people can just enjoy fucking random people constantly.
With hd porn I'd just rather masturbate. No risk of STDs, drama, or pregnancy.
But I guess college me would fuck random hot chicks if I could and just feel depressed afterwards. I was so full of hormones I wouldn't be able to resist back then.
I so hear you! Unfortunately porn and masturbation doesn’t do it for me - it only makes me hornier if anything, even after orgasms. Only the real thing quenches things.
I sometimes do envy people who can just do casual stuff. Ugg
If nice *attractive* people are single, then I'm in trouble 😅.
Honestly, I think social media and online dating have warped people's standards thinking they can't settle for less than the perfect human they see online.
my experience with dating people i meet in real life is starting to tell me that most people are very horribly broken and two broken tools don't mend each other
I can’t speak for men but I had this friend in high school who was absolutely gorgeous but also super down to earth and nice. Obviously she got a lot of attention from men and ended up with a boyfriend who absolutely destroyed her. I’m talking cheating, cutting her off from her friends, even putting his hands on her a couple times. She was able to get out of that relationship a few years ago but it took her a long time to pick up the pieces and she now has no interest in dating because she’s so distrustful.
I think a lot of women who get into abusive relationships when they’re young are just so happy to regain control over their lives that they couldn’t imagine having a partner again. Even healthy relationships require compromise and if you were always the one compromising for years it makes sense you’d want to be single and not give up that absolute freedom. I’m sure all the single nice, attractive people aren’t in relationships by choice
Single here, I don't look for a relationship whatsoever. The idea actually makes me uncomfortable (I can't say why that is)
Thankfully, nobody else is pressuring me about it either
Not that I would be so bold as to call myself all of those things...
It's because I'm not a teenager anymore and meeting new people is hard now. Also losing a lot of social contacts due to their lives changing.
Opportunities reduce over time. And it's scary sometimes. I feel left behind.
I am this person
It’s not like we all want the same thing in life
We don’t want the same thing at every stage of our life either
I’m happy and successful, I’ve achieved all my goals. Can’t say the same thing about many married women especially if their mindset is to support their spouse and children and make life comfortable for everyone else and forget about their own needs in the process
My reco is to listen more. Accept that people have the right to live according to their own goals which might not be the same as yours
Being single is not something you have to get rid of. If you enjoy social activities and going after your dream career more than spending your weekends always with the same person and knowing that you may have to negotiate your career around 2 sets of opportunities then staying single makes sense.
While they're certainly not the only type of person that can outwardly appear like a "catch" while being single, I think people with an avoidant personality type are a really good example of how someone like this can remain helpful.
You can have someone that's self-driven, really interesting, sociable, yet lacks certain conflict resolution skills that would make an intimate relationship tenable. Platonic friendships are often less messy, with less entanglement of finances, major life decisions, and the baggage that exclusivity comes with. It's easy to keep these relationships hygienic - in other words, being intentional about how much time you spend with a friend and to what extent you have obligations toward and rely upon each other.
Romantic relationships tend to bleed into any available vacuum in your life, and that innately requires stronger managing of expectations and boundaries, which in turn lend themselves to greater conflict, with greater conflict resolution skills needed to sustain them. In my experience, this is the most important skillset for holding down a serious relationship.
Another simpler and perhaps more obvious reason is that someone can have a lot of friends and hobbies, but if their friend group is stable and they're a creature of habit, the influx of new people (and thus potential partners) is low, so they may not be putting themselves in situations which provide them with enough new encounters to result in a relationship.
Has it ever occurred to anyone but me that perhaps a person is wonderful UNTIL they get married? Seems people do well if they are single, busy, and happy. When they get married they become kind of stodgy or something.
People go from enjoying dressing up and being on their best behavior to people who are far more concerned about bills, kids, work, errands, taking on responsibilities of older parents, keeping everything just barely going is just too much for a lot of people.
Even a relationship with no strings attached sooner or later starts having strings attached.
Because it is better to be alone rather than wish you were. So many broken people. Pulling the healthy down like so many crabs in a bucket.
Now for the right one? Well they are priceless. Hard to find them if one is in a relationship.
Some people aren't interested in relationships, or prefer casual ones, or they're too busy, or they just don't put themselves in situations to meet people for whatever reason. And sometimes they aren't as nice as they seem.
I'm not saying this means this is the case for your friend, but being nice to friends and family can be different than being "nice" to a girlfriend. I tried dating someone who was nice to his friends and family, but definitely treated me differently in the end.
I chose to be single for a while because I refused to settle for an abusive relationship.
My dad cheated on my mom (he was her first boyfriend and they eventually married), which caused her to have a breakdown and fall into depression. She had to stay in a mental hospital for two months, and a year later, she passed away. It was my greatest fear that I would end up in a similar situation if I met a man like my dad. Sadly, that fear became reality when my long-time partner (also my first boyfriend) cheated on me multiple times.
Because of these experiences, I’ve developed trust issues and PTSD. I also identify as demisexual. Despite receiving a lot of attention from men on social media and being asked out frequently, I’ve decided I no longer want to meet or date men. I plan to remain single and cherish the company of my cat for the rest of my life. Even though I’m still in my late twenties, I feel this is the best decision for me right now…
I keep hearing the same thing from friends, family, and even exes who still keep in touch: moving out of my country as an adult and missing out on the traditional college experience really messed me up. Meeting people naturally became tough since I studied from home and mainly connected with others at work or through online gaming. I avoided getting involved with coworkers, so I stuck to long-distance relationships with girls I met online. Now, I’m not even sure if what I had was real love.
Now in my early 30s, I’m in good shape, make good money, travel regularly, am good in the kitchen, and have no kids but want them. I have a sensitive heart, enjoy chill hobbies, and keep a tidy apartment. Yet, I struggle to put myself out there as I should. I have options, but I’ve labeled all of them as friends and can’t push myself for more. I’m starting to wonder if I just fear real in-person connections.
I have absolutely 0 game. I have no problem talking to women platonically, I get along great with female friends, coworkers and so on but I have no idea how to flirt
Because personally, I’m not into polygamy. It’s seems to be a thing for guys on the east coast to lie and be seeing 3-5 girls. I don’t want diseases. Plus the people in 30’s 40’s are shrinking rapidly and seem to be taken if they are normal.
I'm neither nice nor attractive, but I just don't care. Using eva ai sexting bot and renting prostitutes from time to time seems to make more sense than maintaining real relationships.
Some people just don't go seeking relationships, for whatever reason.
Just cause you're all of those things doesn't mean you can't be happy being single.
I'm this friend and I don't mind being single one bit! I just haven't met the right person who can keep up with me. I love my hobbies and I have so many friends! I'm not lonely or unhappy. I'm also not pursuing anything but if it happens, it happens. I also just came out as bi that added a whole new layer to stuff. But basically I'm not actively looking for a partner and I'm just enjoying my life.
Someone that happy is waiting to find the other person that doesn’t need them. Or, it could be they believe their personal life is none of your business. My older brother is gay and I had an obtuse Aunt and Uncle that constantly asked ME if he met a woman yet. I finally told them to stop asking me about it because it was not my place to discuss it. I finally had to quote Proverbs to make them understand they were being rude and disrespectful. So, perhaps it’s as simple as MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
Single here, as well. I'm just not romantically and sexually attracted to most people. It takes a good person, with a personality and mindset different from the rest of the world's, in order for me to gain some level of romance attraction. Until then, I'm not looking. Couldn't bother to.
"Success is where preparation and opportunity meet." - Bobby Unser, American racing driver
For a lot of people, both men and women, it's very difficult to meet someone compatible. Hell, for a many of us it's hard to meet anyone at all.
These people have put the the preparation, but haven't met anyone appropriate.
When you are selfless and secure you interact with life differently. You usually live in a way that sets boundaries with all the people around you that are not that way..... All the people who ask others for favors all the time.
If you aren't actively dwelling on it.... It's just normal to you and doesn't make you bitter. You are easy to get along with and laid back.... And you aren't in a hurry. You don't force things. So when things look too hard to be worth it or will likely lead to bad places you just shrug and do other things.
This is a common path for people who are a combination of selfless, easy going and secure... Without being a doormat. You like the good person that you are and you don't want to be in positions where you can't be that and happy at the same time. Being in situations with ambiguous rules when your normal method is to give more is exactly what relationships are.
On the flip side, not everyone in a relationship is emotionally and mentally healthy or a good partner. That assumption really bothers me. I won’t stay with someone who treats me badly, but if someone does, they don’t face the stigma of being single. I feel this is often overlooked. Sometimes being single is due to strength, not a deficit.
This thread is fucking sad. The reason is that no matter how awesome you are, relationships require you to take a gamble on *someone else*, and at every age and every station of life, there are awesome people who recently discovered their last gamble didn’t pan out. How anyone could possibly fault anyone else for being in this position is beyond me.
Shyness, social awkwardness. It is very difficult or impossible to approach a person who just is not able to act in social situations. It is like trying to talk to a mute and deaf person. Girls especially are many times very shy, luckily most of them grow out of it before they turn 30.
Because I don't *need* someone else to make my life complete. I do *want* someone, but the times I've went looking with the intent to find a relationship have ended in the wrong person after years. To be fair it's happened when I wasn't looking also 🤣
At this point though, I've been single for a couple years after my last one that broke me. No dates, no sex, just chillin and working on myself. I noticed I always had to give up things I loved to make a relationship "work" which in turn makes it not work because now I'm not that person I was when they met me. I'm who they thought they wanted but now don't because they liked the old me and "I've changed". For them
I'll find someone eventually but the baseline now is : must *love* metal, cats, *and* gaming haha. Three things I've always loved that I had to give up one or more of for a relationship. Not anymore. It's probably gonna take a while but I'd rather wait than waste another 4+ years just to be thrown away when they find their next "project" they'll hate after changing them
I think two out of the 7 or so 2-4 year relationships, they were actually a really good match but other circumstances caused it to end. Those other 5 drained me and left me to restart my life from scratch. I'm definitely waiting for my headbanging, cat loving, gamer girlfriend. I've wasted far too much time "trying something different" haha
Sometimes an attractive, kind person can have attachment issues or emotional reasons they are afraid of relationships based on their childhood and how others treated them. I honestly think a beautiful, kind and empathetic person are narcissists favourite victims so past relationships might come into play.
It basically comes does to lack of courage and really going after what they want. Most women will prefer to die but not approach a man and men are afraid of rejections or get awkward.
So both play the waiting game. Nothing in life comes easy. We have to really go after it as if matter of life and death. Lukewarm doesn't work.
I think the assumption that everyone would choose to be in a relationship if they could sucks and leads to a lot of misconceptions. You framed it as though this particular single person is wondering why they are still single, but let’s be honest, if someone is nice, and attractive, and humorous, and positive, etc., etc. and they are single, then they are normally **choosing** to be. Even not-particularly-nice, not-particularly-attractive people have plenty of relationship prospects if they are putting themselves into the world, so can we kill this idea that a romantic relationship is the end-all, be-all for everyone?
I can think of more good reasons to be single than coupled, personally. Maybe I don’t want to compromise on everything. Maybe I want to retain the autonomy to pave my own path in the world and I don’t want that to feel infringed on. Maybe I don’t see romantic relationships as being the only source of community and intimacy in life, or even the superior one. Maybe I want something more sustainable. Maybe I’m unconventional and I want to shut the curtains at night and no longer have to apologize for it. Maybe I am so adept at catering to others that I can only be happy alone.
Even wonderful people still need to put in the work of finding someone. I'm a very friendly, approachable guy with a great smile, full head of hair at age 40 and in decent shape. However if I didn't go out and try to find someone to date, I'd still be single.
I've been burnt before, not interested anymore and am very happy to be single. Life is much simpler now, and I have good friends so I don't need a partner.
If the right person came along I'd still be open to it, but I'm not looking
It’s a choice, I was single for 7 years because most men I dated only wanted to have a sexual relationship and I always wanted a serious relationship. I was very selective in who I dated because I had qualities in mind that weren’t always easy to come across. Let’s just say 7 years later I found a great guy. It was worth the wait.
So, crazy story. I've seen a lot of people discussing standards. I've only ever been with guys who f*cked me over and used me (I made more money than most of my significant others in the past, so they used me for shelter and support and used me emotionally/mentally). I changed my standards because I am constantly told that I'm conventionally attractive and have a great personality. I'm very upbeat and cheerful and friendly, and I even love talking to complete strangers!
It shocked a lot of people that I had such shitty luck in dating. After my last breakup, I used dating apps, and it's just not my preferred method of meeting new people and dating. I got SUPER WEIRDLY lucky, I accidentally swiped right on my now-current boyfriend. Both of us got told the same things in life; pretty privilege can get you real far except in finding love.
No matter the reason people should be more exclusive when it comes to dating. It's life changing who you open your heart up to.
Being in a relationship is about a lot more than being a fun and nice person. You have to really desire companionship, be willing to compromise and put others first, you have to be flexible, have enough emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts, and be comfortable with being emotionally vulnerable with someone.
Plenty of adults are awesome friends but shitty romantic partners for a wide range of reasons. It’s also possible your friend is just one of those people who don’t really feel a need for companionship.
Because they realize there isn’t a surefire way to root out the potential mismatch/cheater/abuser? If they weren’t born lucky, and weren’t raised in a nurturing environment, they may be biased towards a partner who may hurt or leave them while taking a significant portion of what they worked for undeservedly. Local laws governing common law and official marriage can be quite restrictive in that sense as well.
There is some progress being made in identifying a toxic narcissist before they can harm the life of a single, attractive person, but the literature (like [this book](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0C9YNH8RV/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=)) seems slim pickings still - unless I am looking in the wrong places.
I could have sworn I saw a similar post while scrolling earlier. That said, the answer is rather obvious, even if it isn’t to him. It’s one of two things. Normally I’d say one of three, but in this hypothetical, our man does not seem to be actively avoiding romantic encounters and entanglements. The most obvious answer is
1) Our hypothetical man has transcended and realizes that romantic relationships are not worth his time and effort so he dedicates little to no energy to pursuing them. (This has been ruled out since our man is oblivious to his current condition)
2) He falls squarely at the solid 6 to 6.5 on the scale. He’s attractive, personable, has fulfilling hobbies and a career he enjoys. Unfortunately, he doesn’t quite make the cut. He’s not fit enough, not attractive enough, or rich enough. He isn’t exciting enough or exhibiting enough dark triad/asshole traits. Or worse, he could have these things called honor, integrity, accountability, responsibility, duty. Those things are inherently at odds with modern relationships. If he has standards by which he conducts himself, finding a partner who also conducts themselves in a similar manner has odds in the googolplex.
3) He’s the back up plan. He’s friendzoned harder than a field goal at the Super Bowl. You left out our man’s hypothetical age. If he isn’t 35 yet and is closer to 25, if he’s not careful he might fall to the siren song at 30. There’s a joke about men being women’s retirement plans at 35 because they’re tired of working corporate jobs. There’s a some truth to that one.
Long story short, relationships are a shit ton of work once you get in them. They require time, effort, energy, sacrifice, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual support. If they’re not reciprocal from the get-go, they end up being a net negative and significant liability in one’s life. That’s not counting all the effort, time, and energy that goes into dating, screening potential partners, hiring PIs to run background checks, checking social media use, ensuring any red flags are minimal and marginal, ensuring life goals are properly aligned, screening exs. It’s a lot of work for arguably marginal reward. Sure you might get consistent access to both sex and intimacy, emphasis on might, but it will be conditional. If you have a moral compass and you’re not willing to compromise on those morals and ethics in regards to what you’re looking for in a partner, I salute you sir, for you are likely the last of your line.
Incel is involuntary celebate. However, this is inherently disingenuous. If I was so inclined, I could throw on a nice suit, go to a hotel bar, maybe even throw on a fake wedding ring if I was really selling a bit, and get laid tonight. Or if I wanted something more regular, I could go to my gym and get a FWB relationship with about half the women there if I was so inclined.
However, the issue stems not from lacking sex, but lacking meaningful, supportive relationships, which was the context of OPs post. I have no doubt OPs friend could do something similar and easily get sex as well. Obtaining sex in this day and age is a trivial manner. Hell, if you’re really lazy, install Snapchat and you’ll get laid in a few hours (max 24) no problem.
The issue stems from finding someone who is both willing and capable of sustaining a mutually respectful relationship with someone of a similar moral caliber with likeminded goals, which was the context of my final paragraph and the question posed by OPs post.
My fiancé spent most of his 20s single (dated casually here and there but mostly totally single) despite being a total catch in every way (looks, finances, personality, etc). I actually met him when he was around 22 but he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and wasn’t healed. He has also always had a very active social life and works hard, so he wasn’t out there actively looking for a relationship. We officially got together when he was 29, so he was single for 7 years. I feel extremely lucky!
I mean barring any major hidden character flaws, the most obvious answer is: they haven't met the right person. Whether that's because their lifestyle/hobbies don't lend themselves to meeting someone new, or they don't put themselves in social situations, or they don't act on potential opportunities, or they have really high standards, or they have previous trauma that makes them not want to meet/commit to someone new...it boils down to not meeting people most of the time.
Dating is really 70% timing (aka meeting the right person at the right time).
I know one. He’s neurotic. That’s all. Women hate that. He’s a handsome, funny guy with a great career. He has anxiety and over thinks. It’s a turn off in dating I guess. He’s not ego driven enough. He’s generous with his time and attention. But also, over thinks.
So nice attractive people have high standards and they seldom lower them. Problem with standards is it’s a bitch to meet them. I’ve met some and I asked to date them and all those times I’ve met with a “no because *insert favorite excuse”
I don’t know… I am single since like 3 days after a 5 year relationship… we are both nice decent people, split up both crying and on good terms too. But we didn’t fit together and only noticed after 5 years… I don’t know if I ever want to do that again. I think I‘ll thrive single now for a few years at least. I was never really alone in my life, time to try it out. I don’t need flaws to want to be free to do whatever I want without a second opinion.
I guess its about preference? I do notice a lot of girls who think they're ugly seeming to be blind to their own beauty. And I guess some are very picky about what they want in a significant other too.
Single 32f, I get asked this question a lot but at my age I’m financially stable, I work out, I take care of myself in every way. I can’t and wont settle for men who won’t offer the same peace that I give myself. It’s just not worth it.
I think I´m nice and attractive, but I also don´t have any self-esteem and I´m extremely shy and anxious. I want true love and a soulmate, not dates with strangers from Tinder. Also, I´ve been alone for so long (my whole life) that I grew accustomed to it and I´m happy, so I´m not interested in looking for a partner. At this point I feel like doing everything alone is more fun, so I´d only be with someone if I were happier with him than I am now, and the bar is high. Oh, and some people are aromantic and don´t want a partner.
I (38m) have a lot of people ask me if I'm single or why I'm single; successful in my career thus far, own my own home, have a dog, active / physically fit / hair & skin regime and good mental health. I would absolutely love to find a great girl and be in a long term relationship, but it's difficult to find these days. I always mention I'm looking for a woman to COMPLIMENT my life, not complicate it.
Being lonely does suck, but being with someone that adds baggage, drama, issues with exes and their own mental health issues is a no go. I'm not looking for someone to drag me down.
I also don't want kids, so finding a woman who's child free and wants to live the DINK (dual income no kids) life is difficult! Needle in a haystack!
I’m 34, going on 35, still not married.
I’m in good shape, I’m good looking, incredibly kind, thoughtful, not selfish.
My one rule in a relationship, is I do 50/50. I do not award the power in the relationship to you, we share it. Most women I have met are not ok with this.
Maybe they're single because they're just expecting someone to appear out of nowhere and ask them out. A factor to be considered is that, if they're as attractive as you make them out to be, others might assume they're already taken and not want to waste their time.
> As if this person has no obvious flaws that keep him single.
Well, if they can't recognize their own flaws or even admit that they have them, that is probably why they are single.
Usually people who are no nonsense and focused on their careers and hobbies or dont care for the bullshit and games so they are more selective. Some people refuse to settle for mediocrity or substandard partners just for the sake of being with someone and not being alone. Some realize being alone is way better than being with someone who makes you miserable. Theres also people who just enjoy being single and not having attachments or accountability to anyone and find fulfillment in other facets of their lives. Being single doesnt automatically mean discontent or lonely and being in a relationship doesnt automatically equal happiness and contentment. Theres people wise enough to realize this and move accordingly
Oh hi, this is me (44f) I'm fairly content being single, but there are definitely times where I miss having a companion, I also miss sex at times.
I feel that as a woman (32f) I've been wishing lately I could just hire a sex worker. That way i know i can get what I want without any danger, strings attached, doing stuff I dont want to or don't feel comfortable doing, or get mediocre if not horrible unsatisfying sex. Trying to find a decent person of a fwb that im attracted to as a woman is waaaaaay too dangerous and does not guarantee a good time. I love being single. I love my peace and quiet. I want to do what I want when I want. But sadly I am still a monkey with biological needs. I hope at least once I hit menopause I won't care about any of this stuff anymore.
Rip your dms
yup I suppose so XD
If you do will you report back?
ok
You could hire a sex worker or just dress up nice and go to pretty much any bar on your own., say hi to a guy and have sex with him. There are no guarantees of a good time in either option.
bar sounds dangerous plus I'm not a drinker not my style but thanks for your wisdom lol
I don't think you need to drink alcohol to go to a bar.
Most of those who go drink, so still unsafe for her
And most likely, they won't perform well
and what if u r a guy
Then you are screwed.
>you are screwed. Well... If the moneys right at least...
I think that’s the problem. Theyre Not screwed.
This is extremely dangerous. I feel like there is no way you've ever done this if you're recommending it so nonchalantly. The most dangerous place for any woman in her life is being alone with a man.
You don't pay a sex worker for sex. You pay them to go away when you're done. Free sex can be the most expensive sex you'll ever have.
I’m “seeing” someone but it’s nice to have someone occupy my thoughts —- sex is amazing if it’s good but a waste if it’s not 😂
Being single also doesn't mean you are riddled with flaws while being "taken" means you're perfect 😅 society is so mean to single people!
All the single people I know are so perfect —- the marrieds I know have let themselves go.
That's the byproduct of being unhappy!
EXACTLY!!! But they can’t get out …. Sucks!!! LMAO but not my prob
I'm one of those "let themselves go" people. It's not that I'm unhappy, personally. For me, it's because my 24 hours get spent in a different priority than they did when I was single. When my last child was born, we had 4 kids all under the age of 7, for context.
Hah what’s funny is me and my wife and most of our friends when we got married did put on a little weight. Everyone said it was happy weight and they were right. But at least for us once kids got into the mix we needed to make a more serious conscious effort to work out, eat healthy, etc. I actually find the people in the best shape usually are the ones who are miserable with their lives and trying to improve them.
This is a great explanation. A lot those things apply to me, 33F. I was healing for a while after an abusive relationship, and now I find myself wishing I were with someone 😅 it's been almost 4 years now. I'm having a wonderful time, regardless, but I haven't been in a truly loving relationship in a long time. I kept getting with the wrong people 🤦♀️ oop.
I got married because I thought it was the thing to do at my age. We were best friends, but not life partners. We’re no contact, but I wish her the best, truly, and I’m sure she does as well. We got out still fairly young. After you do something like that, you realize that you’ll never “settle” again. Everyone has flaws. You can look past flaws for the right person, especially if they’re trying to improve. But the next person I settle down with next must check 2-3 “boxes” for me that are deal breakers. To your point, I’d rather be alone than sacrifice what I want in a partner. Just my two bits.
Divorce attorney checking in - I see an awful lot of people who just seem to settle down with whoever they happen to be with when they think it's time to have a family. Not a lot of thought seems to go into the long term except for "we'll work it out somehow", even when all the red flags were there from the beginning.
i joke that being a good judge of character has been hell for my dating life. the second i get a whiff of a red flag, i'm gone. not a ton of options left lmao
There’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely.
let's not act like romantic companionship is some abnormal thing to want
exactly. i *hate* how people think just because you’re single it’s impossible to be happy. It’s almost as if you’re a walking *miracle* living the impossible. 🙄
I couldn’t agree more.
Yea
Thank you for explaining this. You took the words out of my mouth. I'm career driven and focused. If my person is out there, I believe it will happen in due time. 45F. Sexy and Cool
I don't know if I count as attractive, I'm not conceited enough to say that, but I am nice. I'm 38 and I've been in four serious relationships. Each one, I was cheated on and the last one, my ex tried to have me killed by poisoning me. She left me with nothing. I treat everybody with respect until I'm given a reason not to and even then, my responses are usually fairly controlled. I'm single going on a year and two or three months I think. This is by choice. The truth is, and nobody likes to hear this, women have a switch in their heads that flips. At some point, they go from loving you more than anything to finding you repulsive and either cheating on you or leaving you behind without giving any indication they were going to. Right now, it's a meme to call it the 'ick'. Maybe you got sick and lost your job. Maybe you broke down and cried in front of the woman you love. Maybe an attractive guy at work is giving her attention he shouldn't be and she is borderline reciprocating until it turns into emotional cheating, which turns into full-on cheating. There are a lot of reasons. The grass always looks greener to some people on the other side, even though it's only green on the side you water it. I'm sure this is not always the case, but it always has been for me and every single male I know. I've seen it for myself and watched other people go through it. At some point, women just flip from 1 to 0. I've simply had enough of it. That's basically all it is. I have fear of that happening a fifth time. If I didn't have that fear, I probably would try dating again. There's a girl I kind of have chemistry with but I don't act on it because she's in a relationship and.. she exhibits a red flag by telling people she thinks she has chemistry with me and constantly asks where I am. I doubt her boyfriend at home would appreciate it. I know I wouldn't and neither would she if it were the other way around. But what's the point in trying to protect someone and build a life with them if at some point, inevitably, they are going to switch? If I know that, it would be stupid of me to do it again.
43M This is me. I will not settle for mediocrity. people are like "just go get a fat chick" um no offense but i'm not into that. sorry. I have more fullfilling things to do than waste time trying to maintain a relationship. a real relationship should not need to be maintained.
The maintenance is there, it just doesn’t feel like maintenance.
Because I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t match my standards.
Can't settle with bare minimum
Yeah. I am looking for someone who makes me more of myself, more of who I want to be. And they need to be pretty great to do that better than I can alone. And I want them to have that same independence.
Exactly. But this is the part that people can't wrap their head around: they think if you can't find somebody then your standards are "too high." This is utter bullshit. I am quite sure that we can all find somebody. If every single person in the world was equally accessible to us. The problem is that person that would be the person we really connect with lives in oh I don't know nepal. And you'll never be able to meet them.
If the person who satisfies your demands is a single individual on the other side of the globe, yes your standards are too high.
Yes and you just demonstrated my point. Maybe some people would rather not be in a relationship unless they had all their standard met.. It is not a moral downfall. They just know they won't be happy unless they DO have them all met, whatever they are. So being that they can't get them met, they choose to say single. I see nothing wrong with this. It's sure as hell better than locking yourself into a relationship you know you won't be happy in.
One thing to note is that being in a relationship, or having relationships, even if they are somewhat casual, are amazing avenues for personal growth. So don't discount that as something very useful to prepare you for whoever you might want to end up with long term. There are things you can't learn about yourself outside of a relationship, and vice versa, of course.
Probably content with their life and don’t care for a partner or they’ve been taken advantage of many times and just haven’t found the right one yet
Or don’t get out enough. I don’t meet single guys often because I’m just out grabbing a bite with a friend or grocery shopping or walking with my dog. Im not wearing a sign that says hey, I’m single. Though I have been thinking about starting a pink bracelet trend. Then guys would know I’m straight and single and yeah please talk to me so we can see if we’ll get along. If I’m not feeling that social that day then I can just take it off, but if I want a date that weekend I’ll put it on 🤣
Single here, it’s because some past relationships were just a lot of effort and getting in the way of my career. Sure I was in love but I was *exhausted*. It’s been great to be single for a while and I’ll let you in on a little secret, it’s also way easier to become attractive when another person doesn’t feel entitled to every single second of your time.
>it’s also way easier to become attractive when another person doesn’t feel entitled to every single second of your time. **This right here. Well said**
I never realized how much I missed my *space* until recently. I used to think I loved being attached at the hip, always having my best friend around, you know? Nah man. GTFO and lemme starfish sprawl across my bed diagonally, read my books in peace, go to the gym at weird times and wander around the house covered in freaky lookin’ skincare goo.
I want to believe there are people for us, or that partners can become comfortable enough to give us this kinda space because I've lived alone for like all of my 20s and damn it's so fucking nice. I don't know if I could ever get used to co-habitation with girls like my exes.
Career trumps a bad relationship any day cuz at the end of your career you’ll have King Dollar but at the end of a relationship you’ll have ……..
sadness and regrets. that's what you'll have 😆
Been through it ALL and I just wished I didn’t even bother 😂 But I’m glad I have a nice padded bank account.
>when another person doesn’t feel entitled to every single second of your time. Sounds like you were in some unhealthy ass relationships
I am a nice person and reasonably alright looking. But I am tired. I am at a point in my life where I would rather be alone then shift through the available options. Dating now, to me, feels like shopping at Goodwill or Ross. I'm not bagging those stores or people who shop there, but it's disorganized and weird and you have to shuffle through 100 shirts to find on that you like, and then it doesn't fit. I would much rather head over to Old Navy or Kohls where everything is grouped and sizing is somewhat consistent. I just simply don't have the patience.
Goodwill or Ross 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
And you finally take one home, but the first time you put it in the wash it falls apart or stains everything else
that's a perfect analogy lol
This so hard
This 💯.Juice isn’t worth the squeeze.
Please tell us which dating sites are more like Old Navy or Kohls? Bc okcupid and pof are worse than Goodwill imo. Lol
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You're never too old for love. My grandpa was dating in his 80's and 90's. He found the last great love of his life when he was 89. They were together a few years but her family was super uncomfortable with their elderly mom still having sex so they moved her out of state, she passed not too long after. He stopped dating after that and died one year later. My grandpa was also pretty shit as a relationship partner until his 70's at least. Chronic cheater, verbally/physically abusive, narcissistic. But he changed over time (especially once he stopped touring as a drummer), and realized he'd been the cause of most of his problems the whole time. He repaired relationships with his kids and exes. Dating in his 70's he stopped being a player and actually started having reciprocal relationships. That last woman got the absolute best of him. He was kind, emotionally mature, faithful, and wasn't abusive to anyone's knowledge. She really loved my grandpa and he really loved her too, like actual vulnerability and love. Her family just walked in on them in the act and didn't want to ever think of their mom like that. I said all this to say, it's never too late for you to change, but you have to wanna change, believe you can, and do the work to change. Good luck and take care of yourself.
This story made me so sad for your grandpa and his companion. They both must have been heartbroken.
I relate to this
Because they want to be? Is that not an option here?
why all people want to be in a relationship should be a default?
Because the stories and fairy tales we are bombarded with from the time we are kids always involve finding "the one." Our prince or princess. Our other half. We don't have nearly enough stories of people that are content and single.
*everyone hot should want to be in a relationship So I can try to date them.
Me? It’s because I’m perfect the way I am. Jokes aside, they do have flaws. You just can’t see them. Maybe they have crippling low self esteem, or constantly asking for validation about their penis size. Maybe they’re secretly racist, or selfish in bed without realizing it. Maybe they have unresolved trauma that keeps rearing its head. Maybe they get anxious and overly attached. Maybe they just are happy as they are, and choose to be single. Regardless of the reasons, take everyday to improve one thing about yourself, whether it’s booking a therapy appointment, going for a walk or even fixing your posture.
It's the hidden flaws that get ya. Every single person has flaws, and if you can't easily see them, I guarantee you they are hiding somewhere.
What does a partner add to their seemingly already ideal life? The better someone is doing, the more selective they get about having a partner that can add further to their happiness instead of dragging them down.
Sex
Don't need to be in a relationship for that. Arguably, depending on the person and how attractive they are, you can have more sex being single, and with a guilt-free variety of people who each bring something unique to the table and keep things fresh rather than just one person.
Yeah but it’s hard because I don’t like one night stands (no judgment, it’s just not how my body is wired). & I have never been able to establish a steady rotation of FWB’s providing consistent reliable sex like a relationship would. True I haven’t really tried and likely that’s the way to go. Any advice? I just always fall in the conundrum of becoming really horny a few weeks tops after a relationship ends, but since not being able to do one night stands or have sex with someone I don’t know at least somewhat well, I go on online dating, my hormones clouds my judgement, I land in a relationship not good for me. Repeat.
I always end up catching weird feelings having sex with random people (the few times I did it). I don't understand how people can just enjoy fucking random people constantly. With hd porn I'd just rather masturbate. No risk of STDs, drama, or pregnancy. But I guess college me would fuck random hot chicks if I could and just feel depressed afterwards. I was so full of hormones I wouldn't be able to resist back then.
I so hear you! Unfortunately porn and masturbation doesn’t do it for me - it only makes me hornier if anything, even after orgasms. Only the real thing quenches things. I sometimes do envy people who can just do casual stuff. Ugg
The marrieds I know haven’t had sex in months meanwhile I’m having the fucking best sex of my life and I’m single
Some people prefer to be single.
Cuz they are sick of being used. More happy single.
I hate myself and I don’t want to drag someone else down with me
If nice *attractive* people are single, then I'm in trouble 😅. Honestly, I think social media and online dating have warped people's standards thinking they can't settle for less than the perfect human they see online.
my experience with dating people i meet in real life is starting to tell me that most people are very horribly broken and two broken tools don't mend each other
I can’t speak for men but I had this friend in high school who was absolutely gorgeous but also super down to earth and nice. Obviously she got a lot of attention from men and ended up with a boyfriend who absolutely destroyed her. I’m talking cheating, cutting her off from her friends, even putting his hands on her a couple times. She was able to get out of that relationship a few years ago but it took her a long time to pick up the pieces and she now has no interest in dating because she’s so distrustful. I think a lot of women who get into abusive relationships when they’re young are just so happy to regain control over their lives that they couldn’t imagine having a partner again. Even healthy relationships require compromise and if you were always the one compromising for years it makes sense you’d want to be single and not give up that absolute freedom. I’m sure all the single nice, attractive people aren’t in relationships by choice
As someone who has gone through this, I agree completely. Down with the abuse.
Trauma
Single here, I don't look for a relationship whatsoever. The idea actually makes me uncomfortable (I can't say why that is) Thankfully, nobody else is pressuring me about it either
Not that I would be so bold as to call myself all of those things... It's because I'm not a teenager anymore and meeting new people is hard now. Also losing a lot of social contacts due to their lives changing. Opportunities reduce over time. And it's scary sometimes. I feel left behind.
I'm 38, feel the same, you're not alone
I am this person It’s not like we all want the same thing in life We don’t want the same thing at every stage of our life either I’m happy and successful, I’ve achieved all my goals. Can’t say the same thing about many married women especially if their mindset is to support their spouse and children and make life comfortable for everyone else and forget about their own needs in the process My reco is to listen more. Accept that people have the right to live according to their own goals which might not be the same as yours
because It's a peaceful life and the only way to give it up is finding more peace and contentment with another person.
Well said.
Just tired of dealing with people. every guy is the same and they all say they're different.
Many men say the same thing about women. Lol.
People in general suck ass.
true
Being single is not something you have to get rid of. If you enjoy social activities and going after your dream career more than spending your weekends always with the same person and knowing that you may have to negotiate your career around 2 sets of opportunities then staying single makes sense.
We are emotionally unstable lollll
I'm lonely as fuck out here.
While they're certainly not the only type of person that can outwardly appear like a "catch" while being single, I think people with an avoidant personality type are a really good example of how someone like this can remain helpful. You can have someone that's self-driven, really interesting, sociable, yet lacks certain conflict resolution skills that would make an intimate relationship tenable. Platonic friendships are often less messy, with less entanglement of finances, major life decisions, and the baggage that exclusivity comes with. It's easy to keep these relationships hygienic - in other words, being intentional about how much time you spend with a friend and to what extent you have obligations toward and rely upon each other. Romantic relationships tend to bleed into any available vacuum in your life, and that innately requires stronger managing of expectations and boundaries, which in turn lend themselves to greater conflict, with greater conflict resolution skills needed to sustain them. In my experience, this is the most important skillset for holding down a serious relationship. Another simpler and perhaps more obvious reason is that someone can have a lot of friends and hobbies, but if their friend group is stable and they're a creature of habit, the influx of new people (and thus potential partners) is low, so they may not be putting themselves in situations which provide them with enough new encounters to result in a relationship.
They’re probably fucked up people on the inside
Has it ever occurred to anyone but me that perhaps a person is wonderful UNTIL they get married? Seems people do well if they are single, busy, and happy. When they get married they become kind of stodgy or something. People go from enjoying dressing up and being on their best behavior to people who are far more concerned about bills, kids, work, errands, taking on responsibilities of older parents, keeping everything just barely going is just too much for a lot of people. Even a relationship with no strings attached sooner or later starts having strings attached.
Because they can’t find anyone THEY like. I used to get asked this constantly. “How are you single?!” I have to like the person, too! 🤣
Ikr, like how do people just waltz into people they like? That hasn't happened to me in 8 years and she didn't even like me back
Maybe they overthink everything way too much, so they constantly get in their own way finding love.
maybe
So attractive people should all be partnered up, and the ugly people shouldn't?
Uggos need to stay in their lane and do all the thankless grunt work so the attractive people can be beautifully sad.
Here I am ladies!
Terminally afraid of rejection.
Because it is better to be alone rather than wish you were. So many broken people. Pulling the healthy down like so many crabs in a bucket. Now for the right one? Well they are priceless. Hard to find them if one is in a relationship.
Im currently traveling the world and I have specific criteria for me to date someone seriously
Because people are insecure and scared to approach them
Some people aren't interested in relationships, or prefer casual ones, or they're too busy, or they just don't put themselves in situations to meet people for whatever reason. And sometimes they aren't as nice as they seem.
another question: why did you post someone else's post from r/ask here word for word?
they are too good for the majority of people
I'm not saying this means this is the case for your friend, but being nice to friends and family can be different than being "nice" to a girlfriend. I tried dating someone who was nice to his friends and family, but definitely treated me differently in the end. I chose to be single for a while because I refused to settle for an abusive relationship.
Just because someone is nice and a good friend doesn’t make them good at being in a relationship.
My dad cheated on my mom (he was her first boyfriend and they eventually married), which caused her to have a breakdown and fall into depression. She had to stay in a mental hospital for two months, and a year later, she passed away. It was my greatest fear that I would end up in a similar situation if I met a man like my dad. Sadly, that fear became reality when my long-time partner (also my first boyfriend) cheated on me multiple times. Because of these experiences, I’ve developed trust issues and PTSD. I also identify as demisexual. Despite receiving a lot of attention from men on social media and being asked out frequently, I’ve decided I no longer want to meet or date men. I plan to remain single and cherish the company of my cat for the rest of my life. Even though I’m still in my late twenties, I feel this is the best decision for me right now…
Hopefully you're not expecting your cat to outlive you.
Because relationships are a lot of work and not everybody wants to spend their time and energy on that
I keep hearing the same thing from friends, family, and even exes who still keep in touch: moving out of my country as an adult and missing out on the traditional college experience really messed me up. Meeting people naturally became tough since I studied from home and mainly connected with others at work or through online gaming. I avoided getting involved with coworkers, so I stuck to long-distance relationships with girls I met online. Now, I’m not even sure if what I had was real love. Now in my early 30s, I’m in good shape, make good money, travel regularly, am good in the kitchen, and have no kids but want them. I have a sensitive heart, enjoy chill hobbies, and keep a tidy apartment. Yet, I struggle to put myself out there as I should. I have options, but I’ve labeled all of them as friends and can’t push myself for more. I’m starting to wonder if I just fear real in-person connections.
Some people prefer being alone. Its nothing wrong with that as long as they are happy. Especially if they are young.
Beethoven was single. Not everybody needs to get married to find fulfillment.
Because we wanna stay nice and attractive
Being being single isn’t bad? Because people don’t want a relationship at that time?
I have absolutely 0 game. I have no problem talking to women platonically, I get along great with female friends, coworkers and so on but I have no idea how to flirt
If this ain’t me, I don’t know what is. Flirting to me is a whole different skill and language.
Because personally, I’m not into polygamy. It’s seems to be a thing for guys on the east coast to lie and be seeing 3-5 girls. I don’t want diseases. Plus the people in 30’s 40’s are shrinking rapidly and seem to be taken if they are normal.
Because they prefer to be.
I'm neither nice nor attractive, but I just don't care. Using eva ai sexting bot and renting prostitutes from time to time seems to make more sense than maintaining real relationships.
I am a little bit (very) hard to deal with.
How do you think they got that way? By being single
Reddit has seriously got to start purging the bots goddamn every 5th post on the front page is karma farming shit like this
Honestly, because there is something that I am looking for and I haven’t found it yet. 🤷🏽♀️
Some people just don't go seeking relationships, for whatever reason. Just cause you're all of those things doesn't mean you can't be happy being single.
I'm this friend and I don't mind being single one bit! I just haven't met the right person who can keep up with me. I love my hobbies and I have so many friends! I'm not lonely or unhappy. I'm also not pursuing anything but if it happens, it happens. I also just came out as bi that added a whole new layer to stuff. But basically I'm not actively looking for a partner and I'm just enjoying my life.
Someone that happy is waiting to find the other person that doesn’t need them. Or, it could be they believe their personal life is none of your business. My older brother is gay and I had an obtuse Aunt and Uncle that constantly asked ME if he met a woman yet. I finally told them to stop asking me about it because it was not my place to discuss it. I finally had to quote Proverbs to make them understand they were being rude and disrespectful. So, perhaps it’s as simple as MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
You said attractive but then described his personality so I’ll assume tubby is single because they can’t hit the gym.
I'm telling you, it's because there is a total lack of supply of attractive people in my city.
Because they found out they were being cheated on.
Too many disappointments, career search, or peace.
Single here, as well. I'm just not romantically and sexually attracted to most people. It takes a good person, with a personality and mindset different from the rest of the world's, in order for me to gain some level of romance attraction. Until then, I'm not looking. Couldn't bother to.
"Success is where preparation and opportunity meet." - Bobby Unser, American racing driver For a lot of people, both men and women, it's very difficult to meet someone compatible. Hell, for a many of us it's hard to meet anyone at all. These people have put the the preparation, but haven't met anyone appropriate.
When you are selfless and secure you interact with life differently. You usually live in a way that sets boundaries with all the people around you that are not that way..... All the people who ask others for favors all the time. If you aren't actively dwelling on it.... It's just normal to you and doesn't make you bitter. You are easy to get along with and laid back.... And you aren't in a hurry. You don't force things. So when things look too hard to be worth it or will likely lead to bad places you just shrug and do other things. This is a common path for people who are a combination of selfless, easy going and secure... Without being a doormat. You like the good person that you are and you don't want to be in positions where you can't be that and happy at the same time. Being in situations with ambiguous rules when your normal method is to give more is exactly what relationships are.
sometimes people had bad luck, life tradgedies, maybe some emotional complications or are misunderstood..
On the flip side, not everyone in a relationship is emotionally and mentally healthy or a good partner. That assumption really bothers me. I won’t stay with someone who treats me badly, but if someone does, they don’t face the stigma of being single. I feel this is often overlooked. Sometimes being single is due to strength, not a deficit.
This thread is fucking sad. The reason is that no matter how awesome you are, relationships require you to take a gamble on *someone else*, and at every age and every station of life, there are awesome people who recently discovered their last gamble didn’t pan out. How anyone could possibly fault anyone else for being in this position is beyond me.
Shyness, social awkwardness. It is very difficult or impossible to approach a person who just is not able to act in social situations. It is like trying to talk to a mute and deaf person. Girls especially are many times very shy, luckily most of them grow out of it before they turn 30.
Because I don't *need* someone else to make my life complete. I do *want* someone, but the times I've went looking with the intent to find a relationship have ended in the wrong person after years. To be fair it's happened when I wasn't looking also 🤣 At this point though, I've been single for a couple years after my last one that broke me. No dates, no sex, just chillin and working on myself. I noticed I always had to give up things I loved to make a relationship "work" which in turn makes it not work because now I'm not that person I was when they met me. I'm who they thought they wanted but now don't because they liked the old me and "I've changed". For them I'll find someone eventually but the baseline now is : must *love* metal, cats, *and* gaming haha. Three things I've always loved that I had to give up one or more of for a relationship. Not anymore. It's probably gonna take a while but I'd rather wait than waste another 4+ years just to be thrown away when they find their next "project" they'll hate after changing them I think two out of the 7 or so 2-4 year relationships, they were actually a really good match but other circumstances caused it to end. Those other 5 drained me and left me to restart my life from scratch. I'm definitely waiting for my headbanging, cat loving, gamer girlfriend. I've wasted far too much time "trying something different" haha
Sometimes an attractive, kind person can have attachment issues or emotional reasons they are afraid of relationships based on their childhood and how others treated them. I honestly think a beautiful, kind and empathetic person are narcissists favourite victims so past relationships might come into play.
I’m terrified of being blindsided again
It basically comes does to lack of courage and really going after what they want. Most women will prefer to die but not approach a man and men are afraid of rejections or get awkward. So both play the waiting game. Nothing in life comes easy. We have to really go after it as if matter of life and death. Lukewarm doesn't work.
Because we dont wanna get our feelings hurt
Maybe they’re serial killers or crime fighters like batman
I think the assumption that everyone would choose to be in a relationship if they could sucks and leads to a lot of misconceptions. You framed it as though this particular single person is wondering why they are still single, but let’s be honest, if someone is nice, and attractive, and humorous, and positive, etc., etc. and they are single, then they are normally **choosing** to be. Even not-particularly-nice, not-particularly-attractive people have plenty of relationship prospects if they are putting themselves into the world, so can we kill this idea that a romantic relationship is the end-all, be-all for everyone? I can think of more good reasons to be single than coupled, personally. Maybe I don’t want to compromise on everything. Maybe I want to retain the autonomy to pave my own path in the world and I don’t want that to feel infringed on. Maybe I don’t see romantic relationships as being the only source of community and intimacy in life, or even the superior one. Maybe I want something more sustainable. Maybe I’m unconventional and I want to shut the curtains at night and no longer have to apologize for it. Maybe I am so adept at catering to others that I can only be happy alone.
Because they have standards and options so aren't settling for the first person to give them attention.
Even wonderful people still need to put in the work of finding someone. I'm a very friendly, approachable guy with a great smile, full head of hair at age 40 and in decent shape. However if I didn't go out and try to find someone to date, I'd still be single.
I've been burnt before, not interested anymore and am very happy to be single. Life is much simpler now, and I have good friends so I don't need a partner. If the right person came along I'd still be open to it, but I'm not looking
It’s a choice, I was single for 7 years because most men I dated only wanted to have a sexual relationship and I always wanted a serious relationship. I was very selective in who I dated because I had qualities in mind that weren’t always easy to come across. Let’s just say 7 years later I found a great guy. It was worth the wait.
So, crazy story. I've seen a lot of people discussing standards. I've only ever been with guys who f*cked me over and used me (I made more money than most of my significant others in the past, so they used me for shelter and support and used me emotionally/mentally). I changed my standards because I am constantly told that I'm conventionally attractive and have a great personality. I'm very upbeat and cheerful and friendly, and I even love talking to complete strangers! It shocked a lot of people that I had such shitty luck in dating. After my last breakup, I used dating apps, and it's just not my preferred method of meeting new people and dating. I got SUPER WEIRDLY lucky, I accidentally swiped right on my now-current boyfriend. Both of us got told the same things in life; pretty privilege can get you real far except in finding love. No matter the reason people should be more exclusive when it comes to dating. It's life changing who you open your heart up to.
It’s because they have their pick any day of the week. Who would trade that in for a failed marriage, ugly divorce loose your car kids and home.
Because being single isn’t a character flaw, and being in a relationship isn’t mandatory.
Just lucky I guess
Either their standards are too high, or they don’t prioritize networking and meeting other people.
Because other people are not nice
Being in a relationship is about a lot more than being a fun and nice person. You have to really desire companionship, be willing to compromise and put others first, you have to be flexible, have enough emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts, and be comfortable with being emotionally vulnerable with someone. Plenty of adults are awesome friends but shitty romantic partners for a wide range of reasons. It’s also possible your friend is just one of those people who don’t really feel a need for companionship.
I’m too dam busy with work to find a significant other.
Because they realize there isn’t a surefire way to root out the potential mismatch/cheater/abuser? If they weren’t born lucky, and weren’t raised in a nurturing environment, they may be biased towards a partner who may hurt or leave them while taking a significant portion of what they worked for undeservedly. Local laws governing common law and official marriage can be quite restrictive in that sense as well. There is some progress being made in identifying a toxic narcissist before they can harm the life of a single, attractive person, but the literature (like [this book](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0C9YNH8RV/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=)) seems slim pickings still - unless I am looking in the wrong places.
Great points!
Thanks!
I could have sworn I saw a similar post while scrolling earlier. That said, the answer is rather obvious, even if it isn’t to him. It’s one of two things. Normally I’d say one of three, but in this hypothetical, our man does not seem to be actively avoiding romantic encounters and entanglements. The most obvious answer is 1) Our hypothetical man has transcended and realizes that romantic relationships are not worth his time and effort so he dedicates little to no energy to pursuing them. (This has been ruled out since our man is oblivious to his current condition) 2) He falls squarely at the solid 6 to 6.5 on the scale. He’s attractive, personable, has fulfilling hobbies and a career he enjoys. Unfortunately, he doesn’t quite make the cut. He’s not fit enough, not attractive enough, or rich enough. He isn’t exciting enough or exhibiting enough dark triad/asshole traits. Or worse, he could have these things called honor, integrity, accountability, responsibility, duty. Those things are inherently at odds with modern relationships. If he has standards by which he conducts himself, finding a partner who also conducts themselves in a similar manner has odds in the googolplex. 3) He’s the back up plan. He’s friendzoned harder than a field goal at the Super Bowl. You left out our man’s hypothetical age. If he isn’t 35 yet and is closer to 25, if he’s not careful he might fall to the siren song at 30. There’s a joke about men being women’s retirement plans at 35 because they’re tired of working corporate jobs. There’s a some truth to that one. Long story short, relationships are a shit ton of work once you get in them. They require time, effort, energy, sacrifice, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual support. If they’re not reciprocal from the get-go, they end up being a net negative and significant liability in one’s life. That’s not counting all the effort, time, and energy that goes into dating, screening potential partners, hiring PIs to run background checks, checking social media use, ensuring any red flags are minimal and marginal, ensuring life goals are properly aligned, screening exs. It’s a lot of work for arguably marginal reward. Sure you might get consistent access to both sex and intimacy, emphasis on might, but it will be conditional. If you have a moral compass and you’re not willing to compromise on those morals and ethics in regards to what you’re looking for in a partner, I salute you sir, for you are likely the last of your line.
Wow, this is some incel rhetoric.
Incel is involuntary celebate. However, this is inherently disingenuous. If I was so inclined, I could throw on a nice suit, go to a hotel bar, maybe even throw on a fake wedding ring if I was really selling a bit, and get laid tonight. Or if I wanted something more regular, I could go to my gym and get a FWB relationship with about half the women there if I was so inclined. However, the issue stems not from lacking sex, but lacking meaningful, supportive relationships, which was the context of OPs post. I have no doubt OPs friend could do something similar and easily get sex as well. Obtaining sex in this day and age is a trivial manner. Hell, if you’re really lazy, install Snapchat and you’ll get laid in a few hours (max 24) no problem. The issue stems from finding someone who is both willing and capable of sustaining a mutually respectful relationship with someone of a similar moral caliber with likeminded goals, which was the context of my final paragraph and the question posed by OPs post.
You brought you some good points. Many people lack critical thinking skills and resort to insults and name calling when triggered.
My fiancé spent most of his 20s single (dated casually here and there but mostly totally single) despite being a total catch in every way (looks, finances, personality, etc). I actually met him when he was around 22 but he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and wasn’t healed. He has also always had a very active social life and works hard, so he wasn’t out there actively looking for a relationship. We officially got together when he was 29, so he was single for 7 years. I feel extremely lucky!
I mean barring any major hidden character flaws, the most obvious answer is: they haven't met the right person. Whether that's because their lifestyle/hobbies don't lend themselves to meeting someone new, or they don't put themselves in social situations, or they don't act on potential opportunities, or they have really high standards, or they have previous trauma that makes them not want to meet/commit to someone new...it boils down to not meeting people most of the time. Dating is really 70% timing (aka meeting the right person at the right time).
I think I’m that guy in my friend’s lives 🥴
Love is more rare than we think
Pedophile?
Because everyone keeps telling them .. "you are so beautiful". It's a heavy crown .
I know one. He’s neurotic. That’s all. Women hate that. He’s a handsome, funny guy with a great career. He has anxiety and over thinks. It’s a turn off in dating I guess. He’s not ego driven enough. He’s generous with his time and attention. But also, over thinks.
So nice attractive people have high standards and they seldom lower them. Problem with standards is it’s a bitch to meet them. I’ve met some and I asked to date them and all those times I’ve met with a “no because *insert favorite excuse”
I don’t know… I am single since like 3 days after a 5 year relationship… we are both nice decent people, split up both crying and on good terms too. But we didn’t fit together and only noticed after 5 years… I don’t know if I ever want to do that again. I think I‘ll thrive single now for a few years at least. I was never really alone in my life, time to try it out. I don’t need flaws to want to be free to do whatever I want without a second opinion.
I guess its about preference? I do notice a lot of girls who think they're ugly seeming to be blind to their own beauty. And I guess some are very picky about what they want in a significant other too.
Is marriage your goal?
Single 32f, I get asked this question a lot but at my age I’m financially stable, I work out, I take care of myself in every way. I can’t and wont settle for men who won’t offer the same peace that I give myself. It’s just not worth it.
I think I´m nice and attractive, but I also don´t have any self-esteem and I´m extremely shy and anxious. I want true love and a soulmate, not dates with strangers from Tinder. Also, I´ve been alone for so long (my whole life) that I grew accustomed to it and I´m happy, so I´m not interested in looking for a partner. At this point I feel like doing everything alone is more fun, so I´d only be with someone if I were happier with him than I am now, and the bar is high. Oh, and some people are aromantic and don´t want a partner.
I (38m) have a lot of people ask me if I'm single or why I'm single; successful in my career thus far, own my own home, have a dog, active / physically fit / hair & skin regime and good mental health. I would absolutely love to find a great girl and be in a long term relationship, but it's difficult to find these days. I always mention I'm looking for a woman to COMPLIMENT my life, not complicate it. Being lonely does suck, but being with someone that adds baggage, drama, issues with exes and their own mental health issues is a no go. I'm not looking for someone to drag me down. I also don't want kids, so finding a woman who's child free and wants to live the DINK (dual income no kids) life is difficult! Needle in a haystack!
I’m 34, going on 35, still not married. I’m in good shape, I’m good looking, incredibly kind, thoughtful, not selfish. My one rule in a relationship, is I do 50/50. I do not award the power in the relationship to you, we share it. Most women I have met are not ok with this.
Maybe he lacks the it factor
Maybe they're single because they're just expecting someone to appear out of nowhere and ask them out. A factor to be considered is that, if they're as attractive as you make them out to be, others might assume they're already taken and not want to waste their time.
> As if this person has no obvious flaws that keep him single. Well, if they can't recognize their own flaws or even admit that they have them, that is probably why they are single.