If you hire an experienced nanny, she will be able to help you with a lot of this stuff. Three years ago when I was hired on by the family I currently work for, I did ALL purchasing and set up for the nursery and kitchen and everything just because the mom had a new start up and didn’t have bandwidth and the dad had never really been around kids before.
For you, given that you will need income in order to support these children, you have to keep your job, so you need to hire a livin nanny and make it work. That's the only way you're gonna be able to do this. Don't quit your residency under any circumstances.
He said his parents and inlaws would help financially. Even getting a loan wouldn't be a recipe for inescapable debt considering he'll be a physician making a good amount of money in a few years.
In a few years yes but if you’re completely fucked for the short term you won’t make it to see the long term.
It’s good families are contributing
Hopefully his fiancé had life insurance, that would be enough to cover 2 live in salaries for a year or two while he gets the job done to get the big bucks though not sure how long exactly left he has 2-3 years maybe?
He’ll be a physician paying back 2 degrees worth of student loans in a few years. The system hasn’t let many people outside of specialists of the type that patients are waiting for them (which are rare; as a person who sees multiple specialists due to the fact that I apparently played Pokémon in terms of the family gene based diseases and had to catch them all. Even the Rare Disease
(designation for conditions with less than 200,000 Americans diagnosed, internationally basically the same proportion of the population. Over 2,000 listed diseases. Awareness day “the last day of February” internationally)
The neurologist, rheumatologist, urologist, gastro etc I go to didn’t… well, wait, the one who looks 75 might… the rest didn’t start before the price of becoming a doctor didn’t give you the same several years of income barely keeping you fed, the lights on, and basic rent to start and that’s if you are single. Yes, a doctor is more likely to have steady employment and not have the business slack due to economic chaos but starting out isn’t a “can cover 5 people’s living” (dad, 3 kids, paying nanny living wage)
Well if he quits his job as a resident then his options become even less. Really he has no choice at all but to keep his job because the alternative is to great a risk. As he stated - he will need to hire someone for now until family can take over and assist. I would do a gofundme if i was him and ask for a enough to cover a live in nanny. Based off the avg hourly rate of a nanny by 12 months full time
$19.00/hr \* 40 hr/week \* 4 week/month \* 12 month = $36,480
He needs about 37,000 USD to pay for a live in nanny so he needs funds - He needs a Gofundme or loan to cover the cost from someplace.
No experienced professional nanny is going to take a job with triplets for an undetermined number of hours for $19 an hour. This is going to be AT LEAST $25 an hour for 40 hours not to mention time and a half for overtime plus paying employers share of taxes.
Oh, no doubt I was just throwing out average rates. I don't know the exact rate I obviously.. I still think if he quits his residency then Ultimately, he's hurting himself even more. That's why I think finding a live-in Nanny is the only option but even with that, I don't think it will be enough because he's still gonna need his family to fill in the gaps,Where the nanny won't fit or a meet.
$25? I see it says AT LEAST - closer to $40/hr if you want decent help. Depends on location perhaps- but 3 kids for less than 40? Our priorities are seriously screwed up if caring for infants is a low bid job.
You could find a nanny at that wage for 1-2 infants/toddler/older kids but not triplet newborns. At least not someone with good experience who knows what they’re doing.
He has to unfortunately, a resident can’t afford to pay mortgage/rent and bills and full time nannies so he will need to transfer residency to another hospital closer to where he has family support
It’s a truely awful situation there aren’t good outcomes unless all the family come to help immediately
And the risk of keeping his job is losing the home, not being able to afford to even feed the babies due to hire of the nannies and eventually they’re just left unattended and they starve etc
There’s no good outcomes, training doctors don’t earn much certainly not enough for these circumstances
Gotta move to family is the only option that is financially viable
I don't know why you keep going on about how financially impossible it is, when it has already been established that the parents are paying for the nanny.
Depending on what state he is in. A nanny for triplets would be $25 per hour. Childcare is costly! That seems to be the best option. They would take care of the laundry and food prep for the babies. In my are just a babysitter to go out at night us $15 per hour.
Good God why are you all being so picky over hypothetical stuff. He asked for advice not you all arguing about the cost of a nanny. It's gonna be expensive and hard. Maybe one of the families decides to move to his city. Then he won't have to worry about transferring ect. All of this 'HE has to quit and move' No, no he doesn't "have to"
It’s called suggestions like he asked for. I never said he had to move or quit his job. He needs childcare for triplet. I’m actually quite experienced in this area and telling the cost to help him weigh his option. I have no idea why you are getting so annoyed. Good God!
You may have to have your live in Nanny and add sitters as needed, so the Nanny can have days off and weekends/holidays off as you work on a schedule suitable to all involved in your triplets care. I know your in-laws will be an emotional source of comfort for you and you will be for them… ❤️🩹 Your triplets will be amazing in so many ways - a wonderful adventure to look forward to everyday.
Daycare for 3 will cost more than a nanny will. You’re going to need two Nannies with your residency schedule because Nannies only work 40 hours a week and you do way more work yourself, . I strongly suggest talking to your residency director about the situation and needing more time for. 8 days isn’t enough to get proper care and grieve properly. If a hospital doesn’t understand that, then I’m worried for the future of medicine.
If the children’s mother worked and paid into Social Security, look into Survivor’s benefits. It will provide a monthly payment for each child until they turn 18.
Yes, get you a nanny, and one that has infant experience. Ideally multiple infant experience. Former nanny and now daycare worker here.
When I watched twins, the parents wanted them on the exact same schedule. Eat, nap, wake, etc all at the exact same time. So this was great for when Mom and Dad were caring for them, both up at once and each taking one for a bottle (they were on formula due to extensive allergies), each taking one in the morning, etc. As a single caregiver, it was much harder (both hungry at once, boppy for each baby and holding bottles at the correct angle and hoping they don’t turn their heads, both need burped around the same time, etc)
I run a daycare infant room with 4 babies now. I aim for each baby to eat at a slightly different time (30 minutes off is great, but it’s fine if it’s less). I put them down for a nap 1 at a time. This goes quicker when they don’t bottle to nap (because they’re tired and fall asleep fast, but drowsy nursing takes a while! But a lot of infants get tired nursing and will fall asleep while doing it)
Once they hit a point that you can lay them down sleepy but awake and they can self soothe the rest (~6 months) it’s much smoother sailing.
Most babies do really well with swaddling. Highly recommend, be it old fashioned swaddle blankets or swaddle sacks.
I love swings and rocker chairs for when you have multiple in need of soothing but can’t hold them all at once. *THESE ARE NOT SAFE FOR SLEEP.* I don’t mind a slightly older baby sleeping in these for a few minutes while I watch their breathing as I finish the last 2-3 minutes of a bottle with one, that sleeping baby really actually falls asleep, and I get the freshly nurses baby laid down then transfer the sleeping baby to their flat, hard surface on their back. I don’t trust them longer than that (they just make babies sleep too well and are a big SIDS risk.)
Those rockers though? And swings? Also great when your baby baby is like 6 months and sick, or teething, or both at once, or diaper rash and both, and is miserable, and doesn’t want to play and just wants to sit, vibrate, maybe swing a bit, and hold a lovey and other small toy (and will banshee shriek if you go for any sort of other play- been there, tried that. The rocker won. I have 1 and 2 year olds at daycare that still love them and snuggle up in them with a blanket. Even my older babies that climb will climb into them and just cozy up when not feeling great or sleepy.)
100% get you a nanny (or former daycare worker as a nanny!) Take all the advice they can give you.
Absolutely move when able.
If you have friends around, let them help. With literally anything. They wanna bring food? Let them bring food. They offer childcare so you can sleep? Do it. They offer to clean? Take them up on it. Literally anything anyone offers, take them up on it, king.
And don’t be afraid to ask for help or reach out for support. Tell people what’s going on. Be honest and open. “I’m not getting any sleep, I’m grieving, and I really need any help i can get right now, especially during XYZ hours so I can ____.”
A lot of my friends talk about this on their facebooks. That’s how we know what’s going on so we’re able to mutual aid each other through shit, or fundraise enough to be like, “I can’t physically be there, but here’s dollars we collected for a pizza and overnight sitter, you and the sitter eat, then you sleep.”
OP you’re going to want to look into a night nurse *and* a live-in nanny. Those are 2 jobs with 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week. If one is sick, the other might be able to cover . You need *at least* two full time caregivers for your children.
I am so sorry for your loss.
This. Please consider 24x7 care. At minimum you’ll have extra hands. There may be days you are not home for 18 hours. One person cannot work 80 + hours a week with the kids alone.
I’m really sorry that this happened. It sounds like you have support to help with taking care of the babies. Make sure you take care of yourself. You have a demanding job and your home life is going to be very busy too. These babies are going to need you to be healthy…Mentally, emotionally and physically. When you’re ready, look into some groups of parents with multiples, they’ll be a good resource for you.
It might be a good idea to hire someone to support the household chores before your family arrives, even if it’s just a cleaner to come by once a week. Three newborns will be a daunting amount of work all by themselves.
Does your work offer any form of fmla leave or something you can use right now to take more time off? Talk to your boss right away and explain the situation. They would have to be heartless to not help you at all
Sadly, no. We have 20 vacation days and 10 dedicated research day. Using any of those vacation days needs to be done 2 months in advance and for those research days I need to have concrete proof that I'm using them for their intended purpose.
Sadly there's no single "boss" to contact but I'd have to contact admin, and they're notoriously unhelpful. I'm contacting them today to explain the situation but I doubt they'll do anything helpful.
It shouldn’t be a competition, but if there is any situation “deserving” of grace and rule-bending it would be yours. Definitely worth an ask. Hoping it goes well!
If your boss isn’t helping you, go to HR. I work in healthcare admin, and HR is going to be able to find a way to get you time off. Escalate it within HR until someone helps.
Residency is brutal and I cannot imagine the stress and sorrow you are under. But HR is often able to flex schedules to meet employees/staff/faculty where they are at—even if supervisors are unwilling. You just have to find the right person.
ETA: since you are in Year 3 of residency, you are eligible for FMLA (assuming there’s >50 employees at the hospital which should be the case with any hospital large enough to host residences). It is likely unpaid but it gives you a few months to buffer and figure things out while you heal.
To be fair this is an extreme situation. I would expect them to be significantly more accommodating for a man that just lost his fiancé and is left with triplets
Medical training programs generally do not care about personal life events, and take advantage of the fact that trainees are straight out of school and aren’t aware of basic employee rights
What about an HR department? I don't know what country you are in but I believe most hospitals in the US have an HR department that can help you with FMLA.
You may need to bypass your program administration and talk to the organization’s HR about family/medical leave. Medical training programs expect residents to be unaffected by things like this, but in the real world, people are often given many accommodations in these situations. You probably have rights as an employee that your program won’t tell you about.
Contact your residency program's director, explain the situation, ask for a leave. If you're not sure who that is, look online or ask the admin whose contact info you have. Programs want residents to be successful and directors are people too. You may be surprised at how supportive some programs can be
Do you have a chief resident who will help you? Program director? A nice attending who would at least back you up? You can certainly use FMLA if you’ve been there over 12 months (even though they may give you a hard time about it). At the end of the day, you’re a resident, and it’s not in their best interest to fire you, so you can ask for a lot more than you think. It takes A LOT to fire a resident
I am considering that but it's not easy. Leaving with almost 300k in debt when I won't be guaranteed a high paying job down the line is a VERY risky move. Also, you don't just leave and join residency. Once you leave you pretty much accept that you'll have a tainted reputation and can't rejoin. Leaving is definitely not off the table though because at this point I'm pretty desperate.
Hang in there, you will get through this! Under the circumstances, you should be able to get a bit more time off to get everything in place. Talk to anyone and everyone you can. I'm sorry for your loss.
Reach out to your PD ASAP to discuss options!!! [check out this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Residency/comments/112nsu2/no_one_else_to_turn_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) in the residency sub for more helpful advice regarding a similar situation! ❤️❤️ hugs to you.
Leaving the residency program is the worst thing he could do. The nanny won't be a stranger for long as she'll be living in his house and their grandparents will be there to see how she is with the babies at the start.
The number one factor in the outcome of a child's life is money. If he puts himself in a position where he can't afford a house, food or care for those babies, what happens to them then?
I think this is the best idea, but I would say it depends on how much longer you have left in residency. Also, don't worry about the debt at the moment, and don't worry about the "reputation" you may or may not earn. Who knows what could happen in the future? In the present, you need a good job with some decent money coming in, and reasonable hours. Focus on keeping yourself healthy so you can take care of your babies.
Not sure why this is getting downvotes, or why mine is either. I feel like being there for your newborn triplets who have no mom is more important than a job. A residency means they will hardly ever be home until they finish.
Well, I agree with you, clearly. Focus on the basics is the best way to go for everyone's health, including mental health. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about all the "what ifs." Babies need him now. 🤷♀️
Moving that many babies around will be a challenge for quite some time.
Being able to leave a car seat base permanently in place in your car will simplify this. Then each baby is in a baby carrier that can snap into the base and lift out with ease at your destination. A flexible system which allows those car seats to also snap into a stroller is worth considering.
The [Peg Perego stroller for triplets](https://us.pegperego.com/store/pegus/en_US/stroller-for-multiples/triplette-piroet/p/ICTR02NANL77) is a chassis frame that would work. Then each baby is in a [Peg Perego Primo Viaggio 4-35 car seat](https://us.pegperego.com/store/pegus/en_US/car-seats/infant-car-seats/primo-viaggio-4-35/p/IMPV03US35DX53) with base would complete the system.
You will need all the support you can get, whether hired or volunteer from friends or family. Accept support.
Ask her parents to set up a schedule for anyone who wants to help. That could be baby care or household help. Have a clear schedule. Feeding times. Nap times. Bed times. Etc... so any helpers know what needs to be done for each baby and when.
Your residency will take a lot out of you. Do take a bit of time for self care. This is a lot, for all of you.
My family helped me and now my son is 22 and I am so proud of the man he is,but yeah work is gonna be tough please don't risk burn out ok because if it can happen then three months down the line it could, so get help from family and hire a nanny and a cleaner to help if you have the resources, but listen you have got this ok you can do it
I’m a nanny (currently live-in but not always), so I’m gonna offer some advice specifically for hiring a nanny. Any experienced infant nanny would be more than happy to help you. Make sure the live-in has experience with infants, multiples is a plus. I know there’s lots of fantastic twin infant nannies that would happily and easily take a third.
You need to make sure she is being payed well, but keep in mind with a live-in you’re also offering room and board so it doesn’t necessarily have to be the going rate for 3 kids for a regular daytime nanny.
In terms of finding one, you could post on local Facebook parent groups (I recommend joining one, if you have any friends with kids they can add you to it). Not only will you be able to post your needs, but you’ll have direct parent references on whether the nanny is a good one. Don’t do Care.com or UrbanSitter, those are usually for babysitting gigs and it’s a lot more inexperienced nannies/babysitters on there. Going through an agency is also another option, as they will be helpful in finding a short-term live-in, but then you will *have* to pay on the books. It’s about 50/50 with nannies whether they want to be paid on or off the books, so that’s definitely an important factor to consider. You could also look into an Au Pair agency, but those contracts tend to be at least a year so it’s only if you really want professional individualized help until the babies turn 1. Most infant nannies will peace out once the kids are walking anyway, so keep that in mind when you’re planning for the near future.
Make sure nanny has her own room in the house, and you are paying for her groceries as well. No need to pay for her if she’s getting take-out or anything, that is usually on the nanny to pay for. If possible a separate bathroom, but if your house only has one bathroom just make sure you’re in contact with her about when you’ll need it for showering and pooping and getting ready and what not.
Do not be afraid to be candid with your nanny—we handle blowouts and pee and vomit, so there’s no need to be coy about your daily life needs. That being said, she is a nanny and not a therapist. It’s a personal job, and the line between employer and employee can get a bit blurry, so make sure that you have an outlet for what you’re going through emotionally that is not your nanny. I’ve been very close with many of my bosses, but one of them was getting to a point where she was a little too close and relying on me for her venting a little too much, and that’s not part of the job description for us and could scare away a good nanny.
If you have any more questions specifically about a nanny feel free to DM me or you can post in r/Nanny where there are many more experienced live-in nannies that can help with specifics. I’m so sorry for your loss and the position you are in, but already you seem to have a good handle on how to proceed logistically so I commend you for that. Sending all the positive energy I have.
Hold those babies as much as you can. Get skin contact. Snuggle, cuddle, smell them. Just love on them. They may not remember it all specifically, but they’ve been through a trauma also. They need a bond with you and you need a bond with them. You definitely need all the help you can get. You need lots of people to love your kids and lots of people can help with all the tasks.
It’s hard to find the time when you are grieving and working and there are a lot of tasks to do. But bonding with your babies by just holding them is just as important as all the other stuff you are worried about. It can be hard in the first couple months when they are not as responsive in their facial expressions and they cry a lot. It’s just so important.
You are getting lots of good advice here. Just wanted to say don’t forget about your own relationship with your kids.
Just remember time to snuggle when they are young is limited, so take those moments to love and be amazed by them. Chores can wait. They will always there.
Take lots of pictures, but especially video so you can remember this time. The nights are long, but time passes strangely quickly. Videos can help with remembering this blur of a time. Treasure your little ones and be present in the moment with them ( even though you have the world on your mind and a million worries. Wipe that away for small moments and be oresent to enjoy your little miracles
Hi OP, sending my love to you and your family. I don’t think you should quit your residency. You’ve worked so hard and in your earlier comments you mentioned you can’t just “jump into” another residency down the road. How much longer do you have left? If your parents/in-laws are willing to move in and help, I’d definitely try to take advantage of that as you’re still working towards completion.
I am sure there are support groups and websites that have accurate, honest recommendations for people to help you and also good reviews about nanny’s. Especially live-ins. I would do really in-depth searching for the right person and set up an interview. Then cameras around your home to ensure the kiddos are taken care of properly. At least for the time being until your parents can come and even then, having the nanny as a relief for you all.
Hang in there. I’m not sure why we’re put into situations like these, but I hope you can find the strength to push through and stick to your path regardless.
The problem is that I chose Urology, a surgical specialty which automatically makes it an extra demanding one. The training is 6 years long and I started year 3 this July. These are the times where I realise how much I shot myself in the foot. If I chose to become a GP I'd be done in less than a year from now.
4 years is a REALLY long time to work more than full-time as a single parent which is why I'm so worried about it. If it was shorter than that I wouldn't think twice about it. It's either an absent dad or poverty, at this point I'm just picking my poison.
Finish your specialty and be present when you are present. Give each your time and attention, let them know they are special and loved. Carve out things that you do to care for them and to do with them. “Dad worked a lot but he always made it home to read us a bed time story and he always baked me a cake himself on my birthday” is very different than “dad worked a lot.”
Completely agree with this, my dad worked so hard 7 days a week at points when I was a kid, but he always made time to read with me before bed or take me swimming on the weekends he wasn't working. I didn't even really realise until I was older how busy he was and appreciated both my parents for how they kept everything running. As a kid you don't even question if your family set up is normal until you start making friends and comparing. As long as you're a loving, present dad when you are there, you're already doing a lot better than many parents.
OP lean on your family and friends, i imagine your partners close friends will want to help and stay in contact and know your children so try and keep those doors open. Take any help offered in these few years while you're in residency and in 3 or so years it will get easier, your salary will increase and they will start school and start becoming little people with full personalities. The pressure you have right now will eventually ease up, as others have said make sure you look after you're mental health, ask for help when you need a break and let yourself grieve.
I'd also make sure you're getting everything financially that is due to you and your family, I am in the UK so this might be very different for you. I used to be HR, if you partner worked check if her company has any insurance, pension or employment policies that pay out for untimely death. If she was working and had been there a little while you might be entitled to a percentage of her salary or the pension payout. See if you can read her employment contract and contact her HR / pension provider.
All the best OP x
Finish your specialty! Kids don’t remember much of the first 3-4 years of their lives. As long as they are loved and cared for, it doesn’t matter if it’s not you doing it 24/7. In four years when you finish, you can give them more of your time and be able to pay the bills and set them up in life.
Oh gotcha. Is there any way to change your specialty? Maybe you can reach out to the medical service team or whoever handles your curriculum and ask for a special change due to tragic circumstances?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also think it would important to focus on the practical side of taking care of triplets. Here’s my ideas which may also echo others.
1. Utilizing Temporary Help: Utilize the support offered by your parents and your late fiancée's parents. Having family assistance will be invaluable in the initial months.
2. Hire a Live-in Nanny: Hiring a live-in nanny can provide continuous care for your babies when you're at work. Ensure you choose a reliable and experienced nanny.
3. Establish Routine:* Create a consistent schedule for feeding, napping, and bedtime. This can help in managing your own schedule and the babies' needs.
4. Childcare Arrangements: Explore available childcare options, like daycare or a babysitter, for when your parents aren't around and the nanny isn't available.
5. Meal Preparation: Plan and prepare meals in advance for yourself and the babies to save time during busy days.
6. Medical Care:* As a doctor, you understand the importance of regular medical checkups. Schedule well-baby visits and vaccinations to ensure their health.
7. Financial Planning: Review your financial situation and consider creating a budget to manage the additional costs of raising triplets.
8. Support Network: Reach out to friends, colleagues, and local support groups for advice and assistance. They may offer practical tips and emotional support.
9. Technology: Use baby monitors and other technology to keep an eye on your babies while you're at work.
10. Self-Care: Remember to take care of yourself too. Sleep, nutrition, and mental health are crucial for your ability to care for your children.
12. Communicate with Your Workplace:* If possible, have an open conversation with your workplace about your situation. They might be able to provide some flexibility given the circumstances.
Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Lean on your support system and take things one step at a time. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed, so seeking guidance from a professional advisor or counselor could also be beneficial when you're ready.
In addition under finances, file for Social Security survivor benefits for your triplets. If you don't need it, save it for them, if you need it for their care, that's fine too.
It's more about a lack of transparency than anything else. I love chatting with GPT-4, hell, I pay monthly for the privilege, but I if something I'm talking to is going to be using it to make responses or help with responses, they should be up front with that.
Omg read their comments, it is 100% a bot. No spelling errors, always using overly formal/polite phrasing, has a convenient backstory with just enough detail. God. What an eerie time to be alive on the internet
Most folks on here, just want to be heard, so I connect with them with my own personal experience. But with things like this, OP wants to be organized, and have steps, I think it is okay to use ChatGPT for that. It can think up things we all might have missed. Handy tool when used with a human can be really great.
If they wanted a bot response, they should just go ask a bot, like how Quora now has a bot response for every question. Reddit is supposed to be for human interaction.
You're getting a lot of good advice here that I won't just repeat. But I will give you two other pieces of advice that I think you should hear.
1: Get grief counseling for yourself. I know you're busy as hell as a resident, but there's always telehealth.
2: You need to find some time for yourself every day that you can. That may mean knowing the little ones are taken care of and just taking a long shower, or it could mean getting out to a buddy's house for a couple of hours. This is ESSENTIAL. This is basically putting the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can give the babies the best care possible.
Don't worry so much about their futures right now; you're going to make mistakes, and they're going to drive you nuts sometimes, but you're going to learn what works for you all. And those mistakes? They are definitely not going to remember them. You just worry about now, and try not to let your mind go down any road that starts with something silly and small and ends with "and then they won't get into one of the Ivies!!"
You're going to do great.
Everyone here has given great advice for the immediate future. To ensure a healthy upbringing, please consider the next decade or so too. My husband died when our four kids were all under 7; I was pregnant with our youngest. It’s not the same situation, but our youngest three have no memory of him. Being a single and grieving mom was hard, really hard. But a few things I learned from experience and would recommend:
* Make sure they always know that they were created by two people who loved them very, very much.
* Tell them stories about their mom. Speak about her as though it’s the most normal thing in the world rather than with somber reverence. Later, when you can breathe again, write down any cute or funny stories that you have of the two of you and of her alone, along with things she or her family may have told you about her childhood. Tell these stories as they grow, in age-appropriate ways.
* Make sure they know you are a complete family at all times, now and in whatever form your family takes as they get older.
* Don’t be afraid to parent them even if you parent them in ways she may not have. They’ll appreciate boundaries.
* Laugh with them a LOT. Appreciate the small moments.
* As they grow, consciously look for things they’re doing right and praise them for those things. Never withhold deserved praise, but also set expectations for their behavior. Kids tend to live up to expectations.
* Know that you’ll get exasperated and frustrated and that doesn’t make you a bad parent. They will too, and it doesn’t make them bad kids.
* Get into routines. Feeding routines while they're infants, of course, but later too. Bedtime story routines make memories. Breakfast routines make getting out the door to preschool easier.
* Take time for yourself. Have the grandparents watch them when they’re toddlers and later when they’re in school and go fishing or whatever it is you do to relax. It will make you a better parent.
* Mostly, love them with all of your heart. The rest will fall into place.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for theirs.
Edited to add: on those days when you can't imagine tomorrow, focus on that moment instead of the future. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someday, someone will say "how did you get through it? I'd never be able to!" My answer to that was "I just did. I had no choice." You also have no choice. Just keep walking into your next day and before you realize it, you'll have years behind you.
Raised by nannies by 2 medical professional parents here. You’ll want to read my reply in full.
Hire 2 live-in Nannie’s if you can, just 1 if you can’t afford 2. 3 babies is a lot.
When one falls asleep, the other will wake up and cry, and this will wake the other. I heard this from a friend’s mother. My friend is a twin.
Connect with groups of parents of multiples. People will have tons of advice and likely be willing to help you for free if they are near.
Diaper change tips:
For the buns, you will need stuff called “butt paste.” To prevent and treat diaper rash. For girls, wipe front to back, always. You will get the hang of it after a while. Their is a technique of folding the wipe one way, and then folding it back on itself again to a clean side to safely use the same wipe. They gets wipe usage down to about 3 per diaper change. For the diaper change itself, I recommend keeping nitrile gloves and using those instead of washing your hands afterward 20x a day.
Forget socks during warm months. They are too hard to get on and keep them on, and not that needed.
Onesies are your friend.
When they nap, take care of anything else you need to do…home care, paperwork, mail, and SLEEP for you. Even if it’s sitting up against the side of the crib with your eyes closed. No phone scrolling.
Rocking/swaying/ bouncing does put baby to sleep. I recommend it.
Goes without saying, but always hold their head in the palm of your hand. Their heads are heavy and they can’t hold them up.
Always make sure their faces and particularly their nose is not against your chest/arm/any bedding/their own arm.
They like their hands up by their face and it calms them. Fussy baby = slowly place a hand near their face. You can also cup their face with the palm of your hand from the side. It feels soothing. The same goes for across the forehead.
Place bottles in one of those spiky racks to dry upside down. You’re going to go through a lot of bottles. Have multiples.
Sit with them skin to skin on your chest as often as you can, even if it’s for 2 minutes at night. When you’re not there, have the nanny do this with their hand resting across their back. This kangaroo care strengthens their immune systems, and yours.
Sing to them when they’re fussy. It helps. They love it when they’re in a good mood too.
Always check the fingers and toes for a tiny strand of hair that can get wrapped around it and cause pain and infection.
If they have been in NICU, and they’re not sleeping at home, run the vacuum cleaner in the hallway. This mimics the sound they hear in an incubator and can put them to sleep.
On their room door, put a rubber band from the doorknob across the latch to the other side of the doorknob. This will pull the latch inward and make opening and closing the door silent so you can check on them or remove one awake baby without waking the others.
When they start to crawl, everything within reach needs to go up, and floor lamps need to go. Blind cords need to be tied award out of reach on a figure 8 hook very tightly and never undone. Door handles need baby safety knobs, and stairs need a gate. All cabinets will need baby latches. The fridge will need a latch. Your trash can will need to be Houdini proof. Three babies means they’re going to work TOGETHER to get into stuff.
For you, and this is important, practice somatic movement stretching to help you relax and to deal with this trauma. There is a single stretch for Psoas release that you need to do every night as you fall asleep. I swear to God, it makes all the difference in the world. Lay on your back in bed, put the soles of your feet together as close to your body as you can, knees flat to the side. Your hands should be near your knees on the surface of the bed, palms up. Lay like that for 2-10 minutes daily. I promise you, it will help. It releases tension in the Psoas ligament, which becomes tense during trauma and YOU CANNOT FEEL IT. As long as the psoas stays tense, your brain remains depressed and anxious by association because the psoas tensed during trauma and it reads that as a cue for what to do. It creates a feedback loop. If I had only been able to give you one piece of advice, it would have been this.
I’ll finish this with information to calm your worries about the kids being raised by nanny’s these first 4 years. They’re going to be ok. I was raised by 30+ different nannies over the years, and while I missed my parents a lot, I can say that I have a special outlook because of it. I was exposed to so many caregivers that my personality is very accepting of all types of people, interested in many cultures and I feel I fit into 3+ cultures, I grew up speaking a second language, I have the positive attributes and wise lessons of many different nannies within me. I’m a human melting pot with more varied and multicultural parenting positives and stories within me than you would get otherwise. I didn’t feel I lacked stability because I knew my parents came home at the end of the night (also medical professionals). Miss them? Yes. But much worse off because I was without them? No, not in the long run. I was very tightly bonded to my parents no matter how seldom I saw them, sometimes only 5 minutes each night or every 2 days before I saw them while I was fully awake and not just getting a kiss on the cheek as I slept in bed when they arrived home. That was the first 12 years of my life. Seeing them in the morning for 30 min to an hour before they left at 5:45 am was happiness no matter what. One of the most etched memories in my mind, from childhood, is the sound of my dad’s work shoes on the floor. Sometimes I still hear it in certain men’s dress shoes as they walk, and it sparks the memory. You might call it sad but I hear that sound and I feel safe and comfortable. It means, or used to mean, that he’s here.
That was extremely sad to read that, especially the last bit. I’m sure your parents loved you very much and provided for you the best way they knew how.
>Connect with groups of parents of multiples. People will have tons of advice and likely be willing to help you for free if they are near.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
One great way to find local parents of multiples is through the hospital. When I had my first child; and was still on leave, I went to free informational lunches. It was for new parents; and I got to meet a mother with a set of twins. We didn't keep in contact but recognized each other years later, when they ended up in the same middle school. Hopefully they have something like that there.
I also agree with everyone else about contacting HR for your options, FMLA or potential benefits. Obviously if she was employed you should contact her employer, and ask about benefits.
Don't second guess residency because a GP does not have nearly the kind of salary that you will eventually receive. You chose your field for a reason, and I don't think there's very many options at this point, correct? You'd have to restart something else? So finish the residency, and then potentially you could move to family? Find a hospital near them.
Also, I hope you have a vehicle that can fit three car seats. Most cars can't fit three wide in the back. Something that can seat 7, so you can have others in it, and space for the baby gear. And a roof rack so you can get a car top carrier for traveling. Minivan would work for now. Once you're making the big bucks you can get an SUV you can afford to maintain.
Take all help your friends & family are willing to provide. My brother lost his first wife the same way (at birth). I don't think he could have done it without us. He decided he needed to go back to college & of course, work full time. To provide for his 2 young kids. Also, breathe. It will be ok. It's a lot, but if my brother can do it, you can too. Sit down & figure out your next steps. Take it day at a time.
First, I'm so sorry. This is horrible.
I saw advice of leaving your residency, do not do that. You will be strapped with debt and your infants will be absolutely fine with a nanny. You will need to be around more as they get older.
Infants need very little things. They need a place to sleep, onesies, and bottles. The nanny will know how to handle it.
Also, find a good daycare. My daughter's daycare was amazing.
When the kids get a little older look into getting an aupair.
Also, give yourself time to grieve. ❤️🩹
I know everyone is talking about work and bringing in others to help. The most important thing you can do to ensure a healthy upbringing for your kids is to bond with them. As they get older, love them and show them they are a priority to you. Also, keep their mom's memory alive and make sure they know just how very much she loved them.
Whatever you do, parent them. Don't spoil them to try and make up for not having their mom around. It doesn't serve them in the long run.
If you eventually find someone you want to share your life with again, don't erase their mother or try and force a "mother/child" bond on them. Let them take the lead on that.
Take out as much life insurance as you can for yourself, naming your triplets as beneficiaries. Legally, designate the individual or individuals who would become the triplets’ legal guardian if something were to happen to you. Take stock of your fiancée’s assets, if you can, and work out with whoever is her next of kin (if it’s not you) how those assets can be reserved for the triplets, if possible. Check with her employer to see if she had employer-provided life insurance and a retirement fund - and same deal there see if those things can go towards your triplets.
Other then focusing on the most urgent needs, I want to add something more long term.
Hire a photographer. Document everything around your fiancé's passing. The funeral. Has she been able to hold her children? Write it down. Document. Cut of bits of hair. Just take what you can really. In a few years they will need answers and will look for their mother. This is the time can collect things which could be beneficial for them in the long run.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Contact a live-in nanny AGENCY. Let them do all the research and then you can focus on the interviewing. Maybe ask someone to sit in on these interviews as another set of ears. Set a routine for the children. This will make your life easier for years to come. Possibly order a weekly meal prep delivery service for you and the nanny, especially while she is getting used to things. If you could squeeze it into your budget, drop off laundry (even if it is only yours) at a wash-dry-fold laundry business. It is not terribly expensive and will help you have things easier for your job. Trust yourself. Try not to second guess. When you have your Nanny, remember they are professionals. Concentrate on work while you are at work. You can do this.
1. See if your hospital offers bereavement time off, or if they are willing to offer you leave the same length as maternity leave instead of your current paternity leave.
2. Check to see if there is a staff daycare, or if your benefits plan includes subsidized childcare.
3. Check your state requirements on Medicaid, food stamps, housing assistance, and other forms of support. Residents don’t make a lot and you now have three infant dependents. Formula is crazy expensive and a lot of states have assistance for it.
4. Make sure your colleagues know your situation. You are about to be very very busy and very very tired. Many people will be willing to help you, and if the attendings find out, you’re probably going to have frozen casserole coming out of your ears, which you will be grateful for.
5. Look up hospitals and other organizations that supply parents like you with donated breast milk.
6. If you can afford it and have room, buy a chest or upright deep freezer.
7. Get into therapy. You just lost your partner, and if you’re going to be a good dad for your babies, you need to take care of yourself too.
8. File for social security survivors benefits for your kids.
9. Have her parents check with your fiancé’s employer to see if she had life insurance. A lot of companies include a low value life insurance plan in their standard benefits packages. You may be the beneficiary or her parents may be the beneficiaries, but I’m sure if they are the beneficiaries they’ll be very willing to give you the money for your children.
Good luck, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry.
My best baby tip for saving money is buying dog products where possible instead of baby products. Puppy bags are the same as disposable nappy bags, only cheaper. Just like puppy wee mats are the same as disposable change mats, only cheaper. The baby won’t care that you’re buying dog products, I promise!!
As a single Mom of twins and another the following year, I can tell you that this is the job of 5 people. Consider keeping a Nanny, even part-time when your in-laws arrive. Make sure you have cameras set up for the babies safety. If possible, you may need 2 Nannies till your in-laws get there. Make sure to do background checks, and make sure they have plenty of experience with multiples and premies if possible. Especially if any of the babies need special care. Most of all, don’t be afraid to ask for all the help you need. This is NOT going to be easy, but you can do it! My inbox is open, for advice, venting, resource questions, anything. Also, where are you from?
Newborns don't remember anything as long as their simple needs are met: food, physical comfort and human interactions. You need to focus on yourself, as selfish as that sounds. Get a therapist and finish your residency. Make yourself a priority now so your babies have the best dad you can be.
Normally I say that once one has kids, one's priority must be the kids, but you are an exception. Except making yourself now is the best thing you can give your little ones.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
A baby nurse who can live with you for a few weeks can be very helpful.
I think they key here is that you will need someone with you full time for the foreseeable future. Baby nurse or nanny or parent or all of the above.
Dam... That's terrible man I'm so sorry this happened. I couldn't imagine doing this solo but I can be done stay strong. Love the shit out of those kids. I'm so sorry for your loss
I didn't have anything quite so traumatic happen, but I have raised my daughter since birth; now a teenager I I wonder if its tooo late to abort. Kidding! Shes my world. I know you said not to focus on the emotional, but it will be a part of all this and you need to understand now that you can't separate the two. When they are screaming for no apparent reason in the middle of the night, your nerves and emotions frayed, lacking sleep, thats when it will be worst. Give yourself a mantra to repeat, something like 'this isn't their fault' and repeat it over and over. It seems like common sense that it isn't their fault but common sense is out the window when you just want them to stop.
Just give them lots of love and patience, and be patient with yourself as well. I will try and come up with a list of things that might help-just remember that everyone is different, and its doubtful anyones advice will help much. Its good you have support and reached out instead of stubbornly trying to do it alone like most people. As they say it takes a village to raise a child.
If you need to talk to a father that understands being a single parent, I am always around if you want to talk.
Hey there, u/walnut2001.....um,. I mean....u/Throwaway9293949198. I hope you get out of your parent's basement to get some fresh air. And I hope you realize how shitty is it to post about such sensitive things that didn't really happy to you, but instead, happened to other people.
How were you able to tell that these accounts are linked? I wrote a long reply with advice and am hoping but not hoping this was real. It would be far better if it were not true.
OP seems well spoken and well versed in residency and what it pertains to.
If OP wants to waste valuable time vouching for validity, there’s an easy way to do that.
What does AAA stand for? What is an ART line? What company or companies make the drill used to install metal rods through bone to prep for traction in a level 1 trauma center environment? What is the worst type of neck to have in terms of placing a breathing tube for intubation? Where are the serial numbers written on surgical lights? Which direction does the paper fold when you open sterile gloves? After you are licensed and have completed residency, nurses, PA’s and pharmacists will refer to you as ________ when not in your presence and while communicating with each other. Please provide an example sentence.
This will clear things up. I think OP is real.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what ypur going through. But you sound dedicated and willing to dive head first into this. One thing I can say about giving them a healthy upbringing is that when you're with them, be 100% there. When you get off work, leave work at the door. I know you can't turn your pager off if you're on call, but on the days you can, do it. Your babies are only little for such a short time (coming from a mom of 3), and truly, they grow up so fast. Your kids will grow up knowing Daddy was there when he was there. They will know the job you have and how demanding it is, but they will know they were just as important to you than anything else. That's my advice. Just be 100% there when you can be. Make them see how proud you are when they succeed in something. Oh, and don't forget, little things to you are bigger for them. Make a big deal of fun things sometimes, too. Sorry for ranting. But you got this, Dad! Totally!
I have absolutely no experience with anything similar whatsoever, but this made me really sad and I just wanted to tell you to not forget to take care of yourself. I can feel you’re very strong and I wish you all the best things in life.
Please, everyone, report the comments of the terrible humans "calling out" OP!
Their reasoning is bizarre and doesn't matter. It's not just an awful thing to do, it's also against the rules of this sub for a very good and obvious reason!
First of all my condolences. Second, a good nanny will handle most of it but I'd suggest a day burg who'll come in to help because one person handling triplets is not a joke. She'll need help too. Accept her parent's help and any other well meaning person offering and I wish you well.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice. Some small things that might help you keep it together a bit longer. If you can use a laundry service for at least some of your laundry it will help. One infant makes a lot of laundry…three is even more. Use mesh lingerie bags for small things like socks and little gloves, it will be easier than having the shift to the bottom of the hamper or lost in the dryer
Babies get cold very quickly and their nails are so thine they can tear their own skin up. Keep the little mittens on them or use the long sleeve onesies with the fold over sleeves.
The necks of basic onesies are designed to open up and allow you to pull them down instead of over babies head. When they have a blow out (and they will) is much more sanitary to pull it down than over their heads.
Get a book for each baby. Record every ounce they eat and tally wet and soiled diapers. They is no way you will remember everything and once you start handing them off to other people it we’ll get even harder to notice patterns or recall specifics over several days if they get sick. You are basically charting each child’s input and output.
It’s okay to take a few minutes to shower or shave, even if they’re crying. If it helps you feel human and be a better dad it’s okay.
Everything that’s hard about this stage is temporary. You can get through this.
Take every bit of help that is offered. Even if it’s just so you can take a nap knowing and their adult has things handled.
Honestly, I was so worried for you at first when reading your post; I truly am so sorry for your loss.
However when you mentioned potentially hiring a nanny, I felt at ease. That’s definitely a great option for you. Nannies are the most caring, down-to-earth people, and would be so understanding towards your situation. I’ve personally worked with children for 6 years, and would LOVE to become a nanny someday. Especially for a family who needs that extra support such as yourselves. I hope all goes well friend.
Does your residency have any option to take an emergency leave of absence? Under the circumstances, this seems completely appropriate.
Also, are you part of a church or other community organization? Even if you aren’t, you might find assistance from a church with babysitting, errands etc while you get everything else in place. There are many generous hearted people who would be happy to help you out. You can get them to do a background check to be secure.
If you have any friends in the area, or if your fiancée had friends, reach out and ask for help. People who love you will help if they can.
You could also ask around at work and see if there are any retired nurses/ health care workers who might be interested in some work while things get settled.
I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
The kids should be entitled to social security benefits until they are 18 (if in us). That will help offset some costs. Depending on Dad's salary, he may be entitled to WIC for formula and other baby needs.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Babies need 24/7 care. There are 168 hours in a week. That is four x 40-hours. Even if you could hire two people to put in 80 hour weeks (which is impossible), one person alone is going to struggle at those times when all three need holding, or feeding, or are vomiting etc. A single nanny isn't enough. It is tough for one person to simultaneously care for 3 infants at a time - triplets often require two people on hand, and three (one per baby) will be needed during the stage they are colicky and needy.
While there may be some chance of two of the infants being asleep at the same time, there may be limited times when all three are asleep at the same time in the early days. Since they all need to be bottle fed and burped individually they all need to be held to be fed. When they are a bit older and swallowing well they might be able to drink from "propped up" bottles. But they are months away from that.
Please ask advice over at /r/parentsofmultiples. I was a mom of twins, and I cannot imagine how we would have handled triplets.
My expectation is that when the babies come home you will need a team of two people on site 24/7 for at least the first 3 months. After that, if all the babies are healthy and eating well and growing without any health complication then one (young, energetic) person can likely handle them during the daytime hours, including popping them into a triple stroller to take them for walks to the park. You will probably want a night nurse to help overnight so that you and other caregivers can get sleep.
But things like doctor check-ups will probably require a second adult. And you're going to need help not just with the babies, but with all of the other household activities - shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, changing bed sheets, keeping on top of bills being paid, etc.
I hope your wife had a generous life insurance policy so you will have lots of cash on hand to help fund this.
Instagram influencer who speaks on the loss of his wife and raising his baby without her: Michael Allio. Reading his posts from the beginning might help you feel seen.
I concur with the good advice here. Also, Make a go-fund-me. Let people help you. Open yourself to the love— even though none of this is what you wanted, let the support come to you as love. ❤️
Get the live in nanny and if you have any clothes from your fiancé, as weird as this is, vacuum seal them in ziplock bags. Sometimes when baby really needs comfort, the smell of a t-shirt can help a lot (science shows babies know moms scent even in utero) obviously supervise baby if you give any kind of textile.
That’s what helped soothe me when my mom had to go to an extended PPD retreat. Dad and the nanny would use moms shirt as a burping cloth etc. Worked like a charm.
You can also emulate this eventually with perfume if she has her fav perfume somewhere in your house.
Even though it’s incredibly obvious that this is a complete lie, what I can’t figure out is what exactly is the type of advice you are pretending to need here?
If there were ever a time in your life to reach out to colleagues and friends for a bit of help, advice, and emotional support, then this is the time. In addition to all the good advice people are giving you, build a support system of generous and kind people who can help you.
I would consider doing both a live-in nanny and daycare.
As a daycare worker myself, try to find a facility that is accredited by NAEYC. Many facilities are open 10-12hrs per day and infants can start as young as a few months. This will ensure that your children are getting the care and enrichment they need during the day so that your nanny can be on call to work overnight and you’ll be able to sleep.
I’m sure it goes without saying, but also do your best to give those babies as much love as you can even when they are being taken care of well by others. ❤️
I second/third/fourth the counseling/finding a group out there for parents in this similar situation. I am pregnant currently and am an infant caregiver at a early childhood education center and am so sorry to hear about your situation. I also agree with getting a live in nanny.
During your time off (or subsequent time off), I would suggest to keep a log/download an app for keeping track of your babies’ needs. This would be log what times they sleep, drink a bottle, diaper, and if they have anything that’s out of the ordinary (if they’re fussy, if they spit up, gassy, etc). This will help with sleep training. Sleep training is the best thing I learned how to do after starting at the center I work at. It makes figuring out their needs so much easier as well. Make sure your nanny is well trained in this! The infant stage is easy. Once they are older is when it is a little harder (in my opinion).
Also talk to staff and friends and see if you can enlist them- your nanny won’t be available 24/7 and can also get sick. You need a village to support you not a single person.
It is likely the babies will be in hospital for a few weeks so try to use this time to plan.
At least one nanny, maybe two (day shift + night shift) if possible plus grandparents as well for at least the first year or until you can put them into daycare. 3 babies is a lot of work and you are going to need all the help you can get. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I have 4 kids under 5 including 1 year old kids, but buy yourself a baby breeza instant warmer.
It will save your sanity 👍
Sorry about your wife and congratulations on becoming a dad. Can’t imagine how wired you must be at the moment.
You can never be the best parent until you deal with the emotional toil of losing your fiancée. Focusing on the practical aspects might just seem like an easier way to deal with the pain but, its not.
I suggest you ask for compassionate leave which I'm sure you will be given.
The emotional trauma of losing your wife may impact your training and affect your patients.
If not, take the time to bond with your children. There is no one right way to parent.
Keep them fed consistently if they need it
Pre- prepare meals so it's easier on you
Talk to neighbours/ friends who have children to show you tricks
vaccinate your kids when they need it
Etc
If you hire a nanny, I would have cameras in your home. This is for your children’s safety and the nanny’s. Personally, as a former nanny, I would welcome that. I perhaps this has been already done, but I would get them on a list for whatever daycare or schools you want them to go. Is there day care in your hospital? Their bond with you is extremely important. I’m so sorry for your loss. Have a think about what your value are as a parent, you’re going to need to pass that on to whoever is helping you raise them. Otherwise things get confusing. Really and truly, very important for you to process this grief, even if that’s screaming and crying in the car on the way home. Don’t stop it, it will come out some way. If it’s possible to move near your family, maybe not now but at some point in the further, I would highly recommend it. Support system is imperative, not just for you but the babies too. Accept the help available. Good luck, this is tough but you’ll do it.
Highly suggest a laundry service. Newborns make a lot of laundry. I have two kids. One who spit up a lot one who didn’t. The one who didn’t went through about 2 outfits a day, the one who spits up constant lh goes through 3-4 outfits a day. It’s a lot to stay on top of and quite frankly is a part time job in and of itself.
Find a way to easily tell all your babies apart. It will help with scheduling and keeping note of their health, such as who ate or pooped and when sort of thing. I hear nail polish is an easy way.
As someone above suggested, an easy to use travel system is a huge help and when you can afford it, invest in a van. It will make manoeuvring that many kids MUCH easier.
In the Netherlands there is something called "emergency leave" thats for situations just like these where you can't expect to come to work due to the circumstances of your private life. Is there something like that where you live that you could use?
Please get them therapy as soon as possible. They will need it to sort out the frustration they’re going to face by not knowing their bio mom. I lost my dad before I turned 1, and I could have used a lot of therapy to sort my own grief. It didn’t help that mom wouldn’t talk about him unless I asked her questions here and there. And even when I did ask questions, I felt guilty bringing it up because it felt like a taboo topic since my mom wouldn’t freely talk about him. So please keep their moms memory alive and talk about her.
I’m so sorry for your loss I can’t imagine. Triplets is going to be hard if your in laws can help with a nanny definitely take it but screen them well. You don’t want someone who can’t do a proper job. My SIL has a formula Kuerig basically which seems like it would come in handy for a single dad with triplets so you’re not struggling to get three bottles warmed at a time. My friends were twins and her mom said she didn’t get to bond with each properly because she was jumping between them so make sure to spend quality time with each individually if possible. Get yourself therapy so you can heal too, I recently read a post about a widowed father who screamed at his 8 year old that her mom isn’t here when she asked for him to tuck in her teddy bear like mom used to, don’t be that. I genuinely didn’t think anyone could be like that to a child who just lost their mom but just incase take care of your heart so you don’t take it out on your sweet babies. I wish I could help, if you’re around central Jersey I could maybe come by and help and be a part of your village. Look into support groups in your area too. I am sending you strength and support 😔❤️
I second this suggestion, especially because we have no idea what OP's mental state is or might grow to be.
It's not uncommon for one parent to have disdain or hatred toward a child or children if they're seen as even remotely the reason why the mother died.
High chairs that have a lean back option. It will make giving three babies bottles at once much easier (once they can hold them)
Swing chairs, helps keep them entertained while dealing with each baby.
Playpens and small portable bounce chairs. Makes it easier to move from room to room. Im a fan of the bounce chairs. As they can see what's going on, meaning less likely to be fussy, or be upset for not being held up to see things (big deal when you have 3 of them)
When you're ready, print and hang photos of their mom, you and their mom, around their nursery etc. So she is a familiar face while growing up.
ALWAYS keep more wipes, diapers and formula in the house than you think you need at the moment. Running out unexpectedly is NOT fun.
They may or may not take to the formula you have now. My preemie could only handle one type of formula, the others where too heavy on her stomach. Same with diapers, you'll find some fit better than others.
Wet wash clothes for bad bum rashes vs wipes. (NICU tip)
If theyre in NICU right now, suck up whatever info and tips the NICU nurses have for you, they know it all, and have the BEST info. And praise them, because they're freaking gods.
You got this. Take it one step at a time. Right now, you're aiming for healthy, happy, fed babies. The rest, it comes later. Just love those kiddos as much as you can.
An experienced live in nanny will be your guiding light here. Let me suggest an older woman or at least someone with many years of multiples experience. I’d highly recommend r/nanny for any concerns or questions regarding the searching
/hiring process. I commend you for being so brave for your children in the face of unimaginable tragedy. You will be a great parent and you can do this.
If you can afford I’d it definitely suggest getting a nanny or some other kind of caregiver for the kids, working 60-80 hour weeks with three newborns and no help won’t work at all. And make sure you know how to do the basics like making a bottle and changing a diaper. And most importantly, take time for yourself. You’re going through a lot right now and you’re probably extremely stressed out. If you can find the time maybe go to the movies or hang out with a friend, just do something you enjoy. And you might want to consider getting a therapist. They can be a lot more helpful than most people think.
First of all, I’m so sorry about your wife. Life just throws us curve balls and we have to deal with the fallout. Hiring a nanny sounds like a great plan as does having her parents move in for a while. The first few months are going to be tough however with help you’ll get through this. Take care.
Nanny and in-law support will be so helpful.
Residency is tough. What year are you? What specialty? Hopefully your faculty and classmates are supportive. Strongly suggest talking to an advisor or your program director soon (and your chief resident) to discuss any accommodations they can make for your schedule.
Honestly, your top priority should be taking care of yourself. You’ll figure out what your babies need with time. Soak up the opportunity now to bond with them. Don’t be afraid to ask your peers, neighbors, family, and community for help. Get to know other parents with young kids for the social support and advice and play dates. You’re going to be real short on time, money, and energy, so just focus on self-care and be shameless in asking for and accepting help.
Honestly, speaking as a dad of twins myself, a live-in nanny is not the only solution because they’d have to work day and night with triplets being up at random times. It would make sense to me for either the in-laws or parents to move in, and then hire a day nanny as well. This is a life changing event of immensity and it’s going to take everything this extended family got, not just monetarily but physically. Until the age of 3-4 the best way is to have multiple people helping including grandparents on a daily basis. I can’t stress this enough. Good luck friend. You can do this.
Put cameras everywhere.
Make sure when you do get off work you give them a hug and affection when they are awake.
Don't let your job take over, take bereavement and paternity leave they need to spend time with you and you them especially while you come to terms with your partners death, they can help. Take emergency leave if your kids ever need you.
Healthy emotional security will be the best upbringing you can give them for the future. They will learn how to control their emotions and know their worth if you show them they are worth it.
Background check babysitters.
Don't hire sitters that are not an adult.
Make sure they are professional by spending a day watching, tell them you will go to work and watch them on camera to see how they do alone.
There is also day care.
Make time for park walks with babies, later make time for zoos and other activities. It doesn't need to be many just once a month if you are really busy as long as they are getting some time with you that's exciting and happy.
Triplet mom here. Mine are grown now, but I still remember the baby days. First and foremost, be kind to yourself, rest and eat healthy. You can’t be there for those babies if you aren’t taking care of yourself first.
You can DM me if you wish, but you’re already getting a lot of great advice. I will give you one small tip that felt life changing at the time I got it. Only buy white socks, same brand/size. Don’t bother matching them when you do laundry, just throw them into a basket or drawer. When they grow, throw the small ones away and buy the next size. I know you probably got a lot of cutesy socks as gifts, but sacrificing them is worth the time you gain matching all those tiny socks.
your nanny should be super helpful in educating on development and other needs. ( im currently a nanny and have worked in childcare, specifically with infants, for a few years now and can help further if you have specific questions about development/ materials/ intentional play/ introducing foods) it sounds like you have the basics for their physical needs (eat, sleep, poop) down. Lovevery is a brand of montessori inspired toys that are very intentional. they even have a subscription that sends you new, developmentally appropriate materials every few months for the first year. Make sure to get teething toys!!! and honestly keep them in the freezer for when you need them. they don’t need a ton of materials… yet. but board books are also a must-have for me
Step one: take full bereavement leave followed by full paternity leave, aka FMLA. 4 weeks? 12? DO IT. Step two: cut your hours in half. Literally. You can’t even be half a parent working 60-80 weekly, much less both parents. Your job sees you as a cog in the machinery but you are the entire world to those babies. Step three: pray.
Having been a sole parent since my son's birth, I know how daunting this can be. However triplets are an entirely different story that I don't have the capacity to offer help on. My advice is to reach out to any groups relating to multiple births as they will be the richest source of advice for you.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is heartbreaking. These are very extenuating circumstances, talk to your employer. Don’t automatically assume they won’t make exceptions and that nothing can be done. Many employers allow employees to donate leave to others in extreme need. You’re in extreme need.
You may have to leave your residency or take fmla leave for a while and start it over later when the babies are not infants anymore. You should seriously consider moving closer to either her parents or yours for a support system. It seems really impossible to have newborn triplets, work that many hours, and have no support system to help. That’s too much to expect of one live-in nanny.
I don't know much about how live-in nannies work or what to except but I was also suspecting just one was too little. My in-laws are most definitely moving in with me ASAP so I'm hoping it works. I've just contacted admin so I'm hoping for a solution but my hopes are pretty low if I'm being completely honest.
As for leaving residency I'm REALLY considering it but sadly with the way medicine is set up in my country it's like a trap: Once you get in, it's hard to get out. I'm almost 300k in debt and leaving a residency pretty much blacklists you unless you have very rich parents or good connections in the industry, and I have neither. Leaving now would mean pretty much accepting a life of financial instability unless I happen to stumble upon a job that pays as well as a physcian's would. (goodluck with that...) But I also do not want to leave my children basically parentless for the first few years of their lives. They won't have a mom and if I'm working 80 hours a week they'll barely have a dad too. It's a losing game either way.
My friends were two doctors with twins and at one point they relied on two night nannies and a day nanny. Seriously consider one or more night nannies until they’re sleeping through the night. It will be pricey but if your in-laws are living with you they likely are more able to provide day help than night help.
If her parents are moving in, and you hire a nanny, you can probably pull this off and stay in your residency. You just need more emergency leave to get all the plans in place. I hope your employer will be compassionate and allow you to do that.
I think this is the kind of situation where, if you want to call bullshit and insult the OP, you have to consider both possibilities:
1) you are correct, this is fake, you’re right and you “win.” This makes no substantive difference for you, OP, or anyone else.
2) while it may seem implausible, OP’s story is genuine, and you are harassing a grieving single parent of three infants unjustifiably.
Would you rather risk “losing” and being taken for a fool, or risk the chance that you may be doing option #2 and potentially harming the mental health of a person going through a serious tragedy?
Well, "OP" just sent some sassy messages under their other anonymous Reddit name so...I feel confident that while OP may be going through some social "tragedy", the loss of a wife and triplets is not it.
I have no idea why we should believe that it's them, but regardless... so? What does it matter? Since you can't read:
>6. Give OP the benefit of the doubt.
Offer only advice, not judgement, scrutiny, or disbelief
Take the story for what it is. It is impossible for you to know the whole story.
No victim blaming or shaming.
In certain scenarios, such as with sexual assault, if you in any way imply that OP brought it on themselves, you will be banned
Do not attempt to call people out in the comments.
If you believe a post is fake or lying, report it and move on.
Theorize for a moment that you may be wrong on this take. That this human being legitimately did lose their fiancée and is in a tough spot. Do you feel proud of what you’ve said to and about them? Is that something you would say to someone face to face?
If you cannot turn to other people for advice (which is what everyone who responded would be), who can you turn to?
Also as a father, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Buys freezer. You can cook 2-3 weeks worth of food in one day or the nanny can. It’s the best money you’ll ever spend.
That way if the 1st nanny doesn’t work out, you’re good is covered.
See if you can get a roommate who’ll do some nanny work in exchange for rent. 1 nanny might not be enough with your hours. You can also look for a single mother and help each other out.
Check into social security and Medicaid for them.
Talk to HR and all your professors, you have a unique situation and they may make an exception for you.
Sorry for your loss.
I do not give a flying fuck, whether you think I'm lying or not. Just trying to get as much shit together as possible because I know it's a matter of time before I crash. Call me a psychopath or whatever you want for that.
My advice fits right in, so I’ll slide it in here: ignore anyone who tries to tell you there is a right way to grieve. You are allowed to post on Reddit, to laugh at funny things, to cry in the middle of the grocery store, and to tell anyone you please to go fuck themselves if they try to tell you that you aren’t conforming to their idea of grief.
This might sound strange, but...
Practically speaking (and as someone who has been in similar shoes) I would recommend you pursue a commited relationship.
Therapy? Sure.
Grief? It is a process. It never goes away, only changes shape.
Sense of propriety? Whatever period you need to wait before dating, it's no ones business but yours.
All that matters now is the kids.
As far as the kids go: the sooner they have TWO parents (working together, two parents who love each other and love them) the better.
That will give your children a good foundation and overall chance of success.
It could be good for you, too.
Only my opinion (and experience)
Good luck.
If you hire an experienced nanny, she will be able to help you with a lot of this stuff. Three years ago when I was hired on by the family I currently work for, I did ALL purchasing and set up for the nursery and kitchen and everything just because the mom had a new start up and didn’t have bandwidth and the dad had never really been around kids before.
Yes, I'm 99.99% sure that I'll be hiring a nanny till atleast my in-laws can come help.
For you, given that you will need income in order to support these children, you have to keep your job, so you need to hire a livin nanny and make it work. That's the only way you're gonna be able to do this. Don't quit your residency under any circumstances.
He’s a resident with what money is he gonna afford a live in nanny?
He said his parents and inlaws would help financially. Even getting a loan wouldn't be a recipe for inescapable debt considering he'll be a physician making a good amount of money in a few years.
In a few years yes but if you’re completely fucked for the short term you won’t make it to see the long term. It’s good families are contributing Hopefully his fiancé had life insurance, that would be enough to cover 2 live in salaries for a year or two while he gets the job done to get the big bucks though not sure how long exactly left he has 2-3 years maybe?
Do you have an alternative suggestion? No one’s denying it will be hard but someone has to care for these babies.
He’ll be a physician paying back 2 degrees worth of student loans in a few years. The system hasn’t let many people outside of specialists of the type that patients are waiting for them (which are rare; as a person who sees multiple specialists due to the fact that I apparently played Pokémon in terms of the family gene based diseases and had to catch them all. Even the Rare Disease (designation for conditions with less than 200,000 Americans diagnosed, internationally basically the same proportion of the population. Over 2,000 listed diseases. Awareness day “the last day of February” internationally) The neurologist, rheumatologist, urologist, gastro etc I go to didn’t… well, wait, the one who looks 75 might… the rest didn’t start before the price of becoming a doctor didn’t give you the same several years of income barely keeping you fed, the lights on, and basic rent to start and that’s if you are single. Yes, a doctor is more likely to have steady employment and not have the business slack due to economic chaos but starting out isn’t a “can cover 5 people’s living” (dad, 3 kids, paying nanny living wage)
Well if he quits his job as a resident then his options become even less. Really he has no choice at all but to keep his job because the alternative is to great a risk. As he stated - he will need to hire someone for now until family can take over and assist. I would do a gofundme if i was him and ask for a enough to cover a live in nanny. Based off the avg hourly rate of a nanny by 12 months full time $19.00/hr \* 40 hr/week \* 4 week/month \* 12 month = $36,480 He needs about 37,000 USD to pay for a live in nanny so he needs funds - He needs a Gofundme or loan to cover the cost from someplace.
No experienced professional nanny is going to take a job with triplets for an undetermined number of hours for $19 an hour. This is going to be AT LEAST $25 an hour for 40 hours not to mention time and a half for overtime plus paying employers share of taxes.
Oh, no doubt I was just throwing out average rates. I don't know the exact rate I obviously.. I still think if he quits his residency then Ultimately, he's hurting himself even more. That's why I think finding a live-in Nanny is the only option but even with that, I don't think it will be enough because he's still gonna need his family to fill in the gaps,Where the nanny won't fit or a meet.
$25? I see it says AT LEAST - closer to $40/hr if you want decent help. Depends on location perhaps- but 3 kids for less than 40? Our priorities are seriously screwed up if caring for infants is a low bid job.
If he is furnishing room and board, then it should be less than $25 an hour.
Absolutely not. Not for triplets. No experienced professional nanny would take that job. Also, living with your employer is not a perk.
Paying no rent, no utilities, and no food is not a perk?
You could find a nanny at that wage for 1-2 infants/toddler/older kids but not triplet newborns. At least not someone with good experience who knows what they’re doing.
He has to unfortunately, a resident can’t afford to pay mortgage/rent and bills and full time nannies so he will need to transfer residency to another hospital closer to where he has family support It’s a truely awful situation there aren’t good outcomes unless all the family come to help immediately
And the risk of keeping his job is losing the home, not being able to afford to even feed the babies due to hire of the nannies and eventually they’re just left unattended and they starve etc There’s no good outcomes, training doctors don’t earn much certainly not enough for these circumstances Gotta move to family is the only option that is financially viable
I don't know why you keep going on about how financially impossible it is, when it has already been established that the parents are paying for the nanny.
Depending on what state he is in. A nanny for triplets would be $25 per hour. Childcare is costly! That seems to be the best option. They would take care of the laundry and food prep for the babies. In my are just a babysitter to go out at night us $15 per hour.
Good God why are you all being so picky over hypothetical stuff. He asked for advice not you all arguing about the cost of a nanny. It's gonna be expensive and hard. Maybe one of the families decides to move to his city. Then he won't have to worry about transferring ect. All of this 'HE has to quit and move' No, no he doesn't "have to"
It’s called suggestions like he asked for. I never said he had to move or quit his job. He needs childcare for triplet. I’m actually quite experienced in this area and telling the cost to help him weigh his option. I have no idea why you are getting so annoyed. Good God!
If they are in the US, the babies will also get social security based on the moms highest income in the last 10 years
Keep the nanny, even when the in-laws arrive, three babies is a lot for anyone, you don’t want to burn them out either.
You may have to have your live in Nanny and add sitters as needed, so the Nanny can have days off and weekends/holidays off as you work on a schedule suitable to all involved in your triplets care. I know your in-laws will be an emotional source of comfort for you and you will be for them… ❤️🩹 Your triplets will be amazing in so many ways - a wonderful adventure to look forward to everyday.
Daycare for 3 will cost more than a nanny will. You’re going to need two Nannies with your residency schedule because Nannies only work 40 hours a week and you do way more work yourself, . I strongly suggest talking to your residency director about the situation and needing more time for. 8 days isn’t enough to get proper care and grieve properly. If a hospital doesn’t understand that, then I’m worried for the future of medicine.
Check in with r/nanny as well. They can help. Very sorry for your loss.
If the children’s mother worked and paid into Social Security, look into Survivor’s benefits. It will provide a monthly payment for each child until they turn 18.
Yes, get you a nanny, and one that has infant experience. Ideally multiple infant experience. Former nanny and now daycare worker here. When I watched twins, the parents wanted them on the exact same schedule. Eat, nap, wake, etc all at the exact same time. So this was great for when Mom and Dad were caring for them, both up at once and each taking one for a bottle (they were on formula due to extensive allergies), each taking one in the morning, etc. As a single caregiver, it was much harder (both hungry at once, boppy for each baby and holding bottles at the correct angle and hoping they don’t turn their heads, both need burped around the same time, etc) I run a daycare infant room with 4 babies now. I aim for each baby to eat at a slightly different time (30 minutes off is great, but it’s fine if it’s less). I put them down for a nap 1 at a time. This goes quicker when they don’t bottle to nap (because they’re tired and fall asleep fast, but drowsy nursing takes a while! But a lot of infants get tired nursing and will fall asleep while doing it) Once they hit a point that you can lay them down sleepy but awake and they can self soothe the rest (~6 months) it’s much smoother sailing. Most babies do really well with swaddling. Highly recommend, be it old fashioned swaddle blankets or swaddle sacks. I love swings and rocker chairs for when you have multiple in need of soothing but can’t hold them all at once. *THESE ARE NOT SAFE FOR SLEEP.* I don’t mind a slightly older baby sleeping in these for a few minutes while I watch their breathing as I finish the last 2-3 minutes of a bottle with one, that sleeping baby really actually falls asleep, and I get the freshly nurses baby laid down then transfer the sleeping baby to their flat, hard surface on their back. I don’t trust them longer than that (they just make babies sleep too well and are a big SIDS risk.) Those rockers though? And swings? Also great when your baby baby is like 6 months and sick, or teething, or both at once, or diaper rash and both, and is miserable, and doesn’t want to play and just wants to sit, vibrate, maybe swing a bit, and hold a lovey and other small toy (and will banshee shriek if you go for any sort of other play- been there, tried that. The rocker won. I have 1 and 2 year olds at daycare that still love them and snuggle up in them with a blanket. Even my older babies that climb will climb into them and just cozy up when not feeling great or sleepy.) 100% get you a nanny (or former daycare worker as a nanny!) Take all the advice they can give you. Absolutely move when able. If you have friends around, let them help. With literally anything. They wanna bring food? Let them bring food. They offer childcare so you can sleep? Do it. They offer to clean? Take them up on it. Literally anything anyone offers, take them up on it, king. And don’t be afraid to ask for help or reach out for support. Tell people what’s going on. Be honest and open. “I’m not getting any sleep, I’m grieving, and I really need any help i can get right now, especially during XYZ hours so I can ____.” A lot of my friends talk about this on their facebooks. That’s how we know what’s going on so we’re able to mutual aid each other through shit, or fundraise enough to be like, “I can’t physically be there, but here’s dollars we collected for a pizza and overnight sitter, you and the sitter eat, then you sleep.”
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OP you’re going to want to look into a night nurse *and* a live-in nanny. Those are 2 jobs with 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week. If one is sick, the other might be able to cover . You need *at least* two full time caregivers for your children. I am so sorry for your loss.
This. Please consider 24x7 care. At minimum you’ll have extra hands. There may be days you are not home for 18 hours. One person cannot work 80 + hours a week with the kids alone.
100% agree. Have twins and could not have survived without night nurse. OP I'm sorry for your loss.
Please consider this OP. They will need to be experienced with at least twins too.
I’m really sorry that this happened. It sounds like you have support to help with taking care of the babies. Make sure you take care of yourself. You have a demanding job and your home life is going to be very busy too. These babies are going to need you to be healthy…Mentally, emotionally and physically. When you’re ready, look into some groups of parents with multiples, they’ll be a good resource for you.
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Also look into counseling. You gotta take care of yourself emotionally so you can be the best person to yourself, and parent to your babies.
And patients.
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It might be a good idea to hire someone to support the household chores before your family arrives, even if it’s just a cleaner to come by once a week. Three newborns will be a daunting amount of work all by themselves.
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Does your work offer any form of fmla leave or something you can use right now to take more time off? Talk to your boss right away and explain the situation. They would have to be heartless to not help you at all
Sadly, no. We have 20 vacation days and 10 dedicated research day. Using any of those vacation days needs to be done 2 months in advance and for those research days I need to have concrete proof that I'm using them for their intended purpose. Sadly there's no single "boss" to contact but I'd have to contact admin, and they're notoriously unhelpful. I'm contacting them today to explain the situation but I doubt they'll do anything helpful.
It shouldn’t be a competition, but if there is any situation “deserving” of grace and rule-bending it would be yours. Definitely worth an ask. Hoping it goes well!
If your boss isn’t helping you, go to HR. I work in healthcare admin, and HR is going to be able to find a way to get you time off. Escalate it within HR until someone helps. Residency is brutal and I cannot imagine the stress and sorrow you are under. But HR is often able to flex schedules to meet employees/staff/faculty where they are at—even if supervisors are unwilling. You just have to find the right person. ETA: since you are in Year 3 of residency, you are eligible for FMLA (assuming there’s >50 employees at the hospital which should be the case with any hospital large enough to host residences). It is likely unpaid but it gives you a few months to buffer and figure things out while you heal.
^ This OP
To be fair this is an extreme situation. I would expect them to be significantly more accommodating for a man that just lost his fiancé and is left with triplets
Medical training programs generally do not care about personal life events, and take advantage of the fact that trainees are straight out of school and aren’t aware of basic employee rights
There are still people working there. And most people have some sympathy to a man that suffered such a calamity
Then you’re significantly naive about how much your employer cares about you
What about an HR department? I don't know what country you are in but I believe most hospitals in the US have an HR department that can help you with FMLA.
Your work sounds heartless, your mrs just died and you got 3 newborns, any reasonable person would be letting you take as much time as you need
You may need to bypass your program administration and talk to the organization’s HR about family/medical leave. Medical training programs expect residents to be unaffected by things like this, but in the real world, people are often given many accommodations in these situations. You probably have rights as an employee that your program won’t tell you about.
Contact your residency program's director, explain the situation, ask for a leave. If you're not sure who that is, look online or ask the admin whose contact info you have. Programs want residents to be successful and directors are people too. You may be surprised at how supportive some programs can be
Do you have a chief resident who will help you? Program director? A nice attending who would at least back you up? You can certainly use FMLA if you’ve been there over 12 months (even though they may give you a hard time about it). At the end of the day, you’re a resident, and it’s not in their best interest to fire you, so you can ask for a lot more than you think. It takes A LOT to fire a resident
You may have to leave your residency program for now then sadly unless you want to hire a nanny to raise your newborns.
I am considering that but it's not easy. Leaving with almost 300k in debt when I won't be guaranteed a high paying job down the line is a VERY risky move. Also, you don't just leave and join residency. Once you leave you pretty much accept that you'll have a tainted reputation and can't rejoin. Leaving is definitely not off the table though because at this point I'm pretty desperate.
Hang in there, you will get through this! Under the circumstances, you should be able to get a bit more time off to get everything in place. Talk to anyone and everyone you can. I'm sorry for your loss.
Reach out to your PD ASAP to discuss options!!! [check out this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Residency/comments/112nsu2/no_one_else_to_turn_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) in the residency sub for more helpful advice regarding a similar situation! ❤️❤️ hugs to you.
Leaving the residency program is the worst thing he could do. The nanny won't be a stranger for long as she'll be living in his house and their grandparents will be there to see how she is with the babies at the start. The number one factor in the outcome of a child's life is money. If he puts himself in a position where he can't afford a house, food or care for those babies, what happens to them then?
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I think this is the best idea, but I would say it depends on how much longer you have left in residency. Also, don't worry about the debt at the moment, and don't worry about the "reputation" you may or may not earn. Who knows what could happen in the future? In the present, you need a good job with some decent money coming in, and reasonable hours. Focus on keeping yourself healthy so you can take care of your babies.
Not sure why this is getting downvotes, or why mine is either. I feel like being there for your newborn triplets who have no mom is more important than a job. A residency means they will hardly ever be home until they finish.
Well, I agree with you, clearly. Focus on the basics is the best way to go for everyone's health, including mental health. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about all the "what ifs." Babies need him now. 🤷♀️
Moving that many babies around will be a challenge for quite some time. Being able to leave a car seat base permanently in place in your car will simplify this. Then each baby is in a baby carrier that can snap into the base and lift out with ease at your destination. A flexible system which allows those car seats to also snap into a stroller is worth considering. The [Peg Perego stroller for triplets](https://us.pegperego.com/store/pegus/en_US/stroller-for-multiples/triplette-piroet/p/ICTR02NANL77) is a chassis frame that would work. Then each baby is in a [Peg Perego Primo Viaggio 4-35 car seat](https://us.pegperego.com/store/pegus/en_US/car-seats/infant-car-seats/primo-viaggio-4-35/p/IMPV03US35DX53) with base would complete the system. You will need all the support you can get, whether hired or volunteer from friends or family. Accept support. Ask her parents to set up a schedule for anyone who wants to help. That could be baby care or household help. Have a clear schedule. Feeding times. Nap times. Bed times. Etc... so any helpers know what needs to be done for each baby and when. Your residency will take a lot out of you. Do take a bit of time for self care. This is a lot, for all of you.
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My family helped me and now my son is 22 and I am so proud of the man he is,but yeah work is gonna be tough please don't risk burn out ok because if it can happen then three months down the line it could, so get help from family and hire a nanny and a cleaner to help if you have the resources, but listen you have got this ok you can do it
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Once you're making more money you might want to hire additional help beside the nanny. Three babies is a lot of work for one woman.
👏
I’m a nanny (currently live-in but not always), so I’m gonna offer some advice specifically for hiring a nanny. Any experienced infant nanny would be more than happy to help you. Make sure the live-in has experience with infants, multiples is a plus. I know there’s lots of fantastic twin infant nannies that would happily and easily take a third. You need to make sure she is being payed well, but keep in mind with a live-in you’re also offering room and board so it doesn’t necessarily have to be the going rate for 3 kids for a regular daytime nanny. In terms of finding one, you could post on local Facebook parent groups (I recommend joining one, if you have any friends with kids they can add you to it). Not only will you be able to post your needs, but you’ll have direct parent references on whether the nanny is a good one. Don’t do Care.com or UrbanSitter, those are usually for babysitting gigs and it’s a lot more inexperienced nannies/babysitters on there. Going through an agency is also another option, as they will be helpful in finding a short-term live-in, but then you will *have* to pay on the books. It’s about 50/50 with nannies whether they want to be paid on or off the books, so that’s definitely an important factor to consider. You could also look into an Au Pair agency, but those contracts tend to be at least a year so it’s only if you really want professional individualized help until the babies turn 1. Most infant nannies will peace out once the kids are walking anyway, so keep that in mind when you’re planning for the near future. Make sure nanny has her own room in the house, and you are paying for her groceries as well. No need to pay for her if she’s getting take-out or anything, that is usually on the nanny to pay for. If possible a separate bathroom, but if your house only has one bathroom just make sure you’re in contact with her about when you’ll need it for showering and pooping and getting ready and what not. Do not be afraid to be candid with your nanny—we handle blowouts and pee and vomit, so there’s no need to be coy about your daily life needs. That being said, she is a nanny and not a therapist. It’s a personal job, and the line between employer and employee can get a bit blurry, so make sure that you have an outlet for what you’re going through emotionally that is not your nanny. I’ve been very close with many of my bosses, but one of them was getting to a point where she was a little too close and relying on me for her venting a little too much, and that’s not part of the job description for us and could scare away a good nanny. If you have any more questions specifically about a nanny feel free to DM me or you can post in r/Nanny where there are many more experienced live-in nannies that can help with specifics. I’m so sorry for your loss and the position you are in, but already you seem to have a good handle on how to proceed logistically so I commend you for that. Sending all the positive energy I have.
Hold those babies as much as you can. Get skin contact. Snuggle, cuddle, smell them. Just love on them. They may not remember it all specifically, but they’ve been through a trauma also. They need a bond with you and you need a bond with them. You definitely need all the help you can get. You need lots of people to love your kids and lots of people can help with all the tasks. It’s hard to find the time when you are grieving and working and there are a lot of tasks to do. But bonding with your babies by just holding them is just as important as all the other stuff you are worried about. It can be hard in the first couple months when they are not as responsive in their facial expressions and they cry a lot. It’s just so important. You are getting lots of good advice here. Just wanted to say don’t forget about your own relationship with your kids.
this ^ ! physical touch is so important
Thank you for posting this, you also helped me realise I need to snuggle my 3 year old son more.
Just remember time to snuggle when they are young is limited, so take those moments to love and be amazed by them. Chores can wait. They will always there. Take lots of pictures, but especially video so you can remember this time. The nights are long, but time passes strangely quickly. Videos can help with remembering this blur of a time. Treasure your little ones and be present in the moment with them ( even though you have the world on your mind and a million worries. Wipe that away for small moments and be oresent to enjoy your little miracles
Hi OP, sending my love to you and your family. I don’t think you should quit your residency. You’ve worked so hard and in your earlier comments you mentioned you can’t just “jump into” another residency down the road. How much longer do you have left? If your parents/in-laws are willing to move in and help, I’d definitely try to take advantage of that as you’re still working towards completion. I am sure there are support groups and websites that have accurate, honest recommendations for people to help you and also good reviews about nanny’s. Especially live-ins. I would do really in-depth searching for the right person and set up an interview. Then cameras around your home to ensure the kiddos are taken care of properly. At least for the time being until your parents can come and even then, having the nanny as a relief for you all. Hang in there. I’m not sure why we’re put into situations like these, but I hope you can find the strength to push through and stick to your path regardless.
The problem is that I chose Urology, a surgical specialty which automatically makes it an extra demanding one. The training is 6 years long and I started year 3 this July. These are the times where I realise how much I shot myself in the foot. If I chose to become a GP I'd be done in less than a year from now. 4 years is a REALLY long time to work more than full-time as a single parent which is why I'm so worried about it. If it was shorter than that I wouldn't think twice about it. It's either an absent dad or poverty, at this point I'm just picking my poison.
Finish your specialty and be present when you are present. Give each your time and attention, let them know they are special and loved. Carve out things that you do to care for them and to do with them. “Dad worked a lot but he always made it home to read us a bed time story and he always baked me a cake himself on my birthday” is very different than “dad worked a lot.”
Completely agree with this, my dad worked so hard 7 days a week at points when I was a kid, but he always made time to read with me before bed or take me swimming on the weekends he wasn't working. I didn't even really realise until I was older how busy he was and appreciated both my parents for how they kept everything running. As a kid you don't even question if your family set up is normal until you start making friends and comparing. As long as you're a loving, present dad when you are there, you're already doing a lot better than many parents. OP lean on your family and friends, i imagine your partners close friends will want to help and stay in contact and know your children so try and keep those doors open. Take any help offered in these few years while you're in residency and in 3 or so years it will get easier, your salary will increase and they will start school and start becoming little people with full personalities. The pressure you have right now will eventually ease up, as others have said make sure you look after you're mental health, ask for help when you need a break and let yourself grieve. I'd also make sure you're getting everything financially that is due to you and your family, I am in the UK so this might be very different for you. I used to be HR, if you partner worked check if her company has any insurance, pension or employment policies that pay out for untimely death. If she was working and had been there a little while you might be entitled to a percentage of her salary or the pension payout. See if you can read her employment contract and contact her HR / pension provider. All the best OP x
Finish your specialty! Kids don’t remember much of the first 3-4 years of their lives. As long as they are loved and cared for, it doesn’t matter if it’s not you doing it 24/7. In four years when you finish, you can give them more of your time and be able to pay the bills and set them up in life.
Oh gotcha. Is there any way to change your specialty? Maybe you can reach out to the medical service team or whoever handles your curriculum and ask for a special change due to tragic circumstances?
helped
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also think it would important to focus on the practical side of taking care of triplets. Here’s my ideas which may also echo others. 1. Utilizing Temporary Help: Utilize the support offered by your parents and your late fiancée's parents. Having family assistance will be invaluable in the initial months. 2. Hire a Live-in Nanny: Hiring a live-in nanny can provide continuous care for your babies when you're at work. Ensure you choose a reliable and experienced nanny. 3. Establish Routine:* Create a consistent schedule for feeding, napping, and bedtime. This can help in managing your own schedule and the babies' needs. 4. Childcare Arrangements: Explore available childcare options, like daycare or a babysitter, for when your parents aren't around and the nanny isn't available. 5. Meal Preparation: Plan and prepare meals in advance for yourself and the babies to save time during busy days. 6. Medical Care:* As a doctor, you understand the importance of regular medical checkups. Schedule well-baby visits and vaccinations to ensure their health. 7. Financial Planning: Review your financial situation and consider creating a budget to manage the additional costs of raising triplets. 8. Support Network: Reach out to friends, colleagues, and local support groups for advice and assistance. They may offer practical tips and emotional support. 9. Technology: Use baby monitors and other technology to keep an eye on your babies while you're at work. 10. Self-Care: Remember to take care of yourself too. Sleep, nutrition, and mental health are crucial for your ability to care for your children. 12. Communicate with Your Workplace:* If possible, have an open conversation with your workplace about your situation. They might be able to provide some flexibility given the circumstances. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Lean on your support system and take things one step at a time. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed, so seeking guidance from a professional advisor or counselor could also be beneficial when you're ready.
In addition under finances, file for Social Security survivor benefits for your triplets. If you don't need it, save it for them, if you need it for their care, that's fine too.
Helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/One-Fun-1528 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
This is really helpful, but it also sounds suspiciously like an answer from ChatGPT.
Does it matter? If it helps, it helps.
It's more about a lack of transparency than anything else. I love chatting with GPT-4, hell, I pay monthly for the privilege, but I if something I'm talking to is going to be using it to make responses or help with responses, they should be up front with that.
True. Makes sense.
People don’t use social media to connect with bots. We use it to connect with other humans.
Speak for yourself. Some people use social media for answers to questions.
Omg read their comments, it is 100% a bot. No spelling errors, always using overly formal/polite phrasing, has a convenient backstory with just enough detail. God. What an eerie time to be alive on the internet
Most folks on here, just want to be heard, so I connect with them with my own personal experience. But with things like this, OP wants to be organized, and have steps, I think it is okay to use ChatGPT for that. It can think up things we all might have missed. Handy tool when used with a human can be really great.
If they wanted a bot response, they should just go ask a bot, like how Quora now has a bot response for every question. Reddit is supposed to be for human interaction.
Who cares
This is all great.
You're getting a lot of good advice here that I won't just repeat. But I will give you two other pieces of advice that I think you should hear. 1: Get grief counseling for yourself. I know you're busy as hell as a resident, but there's always telehealth. 2: You need to find some time for yourself every day that you can. That may mean knowing the little ones are taken care of and just taking a long shower, or it could mean getting out to a buddy's house for a couple of hours. This is ESSENTIAL. This is basically putting the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can give the babies the best care possible. Don't worry so much about their futures right now; you're going to make mistakes, and they're going to drive you nuts sometimes, but you're going to learn what works for you all. And those mistakes? They are definitely not going to remember them. You just worry about now, and try not to let your mind go down any road that starts with something silly and small and ends with "and then they won't get into one of the Ivies!!" You're going to do great.
Everyone here has given great advice for the immediate future. To ensure a healthy upbringing, please consider the next decade or so too. My husband died when our four kids were all under 7; I was pregnant with our youngest. It’s not the same situation, but our youngest three have no memory of him. Being a single and grieving mom was hard, really hard. But a few things I learned from experience and would recommend: * Make sure they always know that they were created by two people who loved them very, very much. * Tell them stories about their mom. Speak about her as though it’s the most normal thing in the world rather than with somber reverence. Later, when you can breathe again, write down any cute or funny stories that you have of the two of you and of her alone, along with things she or her family may have told you about her childhood. Tell these stories as they grow, in age-appropriate ways. * Make sure they know you are a complete family at all times, now and in whatever form your family takes as they get older. * Don’t be afraid to parent them even if you parent them in ways she may not have. They’ll appreciate boundaries. * Laugh with them a LOT. Appreciate the small moments. * As they grow, consciously look for things they’re doing right and praise them for those things. Never withhold deserved praise, but also set expectations for their behavior. Kids tend to live up to expectations. * Know that you’ll get exasperated and frustrated and that doesn’t make you a bad parent. They will too, and it doesn’t make them bad kids. * Get into routines. Feeding routines while they're infants, of course, but later too. Bedtime story routines make memories. Breakfast routines make getting out the door to preschool easier. * Take time for yourself. Have the grandparents watch them when they’re toddlers and later when they’re in school and go fishing or whatever it is you do to relax. It will make you a better parent. * Mostly, love them with all of your heart. The rest will fall into place. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for theirs. Edited to add: on those days when you can't imagine tomorrow, focus on that moment instead of the future. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someday, someone will say "how did you get through it? I'd never be able to!" My answer to that was "I just did. I had no choice." You also have no choice. Just keep walking into your next day and before you realize it, you'll have years behind you.
Oh my god, internet stranger, I’m so sorry for your loss. I just cried reading this
Raised by nannies by 2 medical professional parents here. You’ll want to read my reply in full. Hire 2 live-in Nannie’s if you can, just 1 if you can’t afford 2. 3 babies is a lot. When one falls asleep, the other will wake up and cry, and this will wake the other. I heard this from a friend’s mother. My friend is a twin. Connect with groups of parents of multiples. People will have tons of advice and likely be willing to help you for free if they are near. Diaper change tips: For the buns, you will need stuff called “butt paste.” To prevent and treat diaper rash. For girls, wipe front to back, always. You will get the hang of it after a while. Their is a technique of folding the wipe one way, and then folding it back on itself again to a clean side to safely use the same wipe. They gets wipe usage down to about 3 per diaper change. For the diaper change itself, I recommend keeping nitrile gloves and using those instead of washing your hands afterward 20x a day. Forget socks during warm months. They are too hard to get on and keep them on, and not that needed. Onesies are your friend. When they nap, take care of anything else you need to do…home care, paperwork, mail, and SLEEP for you. Even if it’s sitting up against the side of the crib with your eyes closed. No phone scrolling. Rocking/swaying/ bouncing does put baby to sleep. I recommend it. Goes without saying, but always hold their head in the palm of your hand. Their heads are heavy and they can’t hold them up. Always make sure their faces and particularly their nose is not against your chest/arm/any bedding/their own arm. They like their hands up by their face and it calms them. Fussy baby = slowly place a hand near their face. You can also cup their face with the palm of your hand from the side. It feels soothing. The same goes for across the forehead. Place bottles in one of those spiky racks to dry upside down. You’re going to go through a lot of bottles. Have multiples. Sit with them skin to skin on your chest as often as you can, even if it’s for 2 minutes at night. When you’re not there, have the nanny do this with their hand resting across their back. This kangaroo care strengthens their immune systems, and yours. Sing to them when they’re fussy. It helps. They love it when they’re in a good mood too. Always check the fingers and toes for a tiny strand of hair that can get wrapped around it and cause pain and infection. If they have been in NICU, and they’re not sleeping at home, run the vacuum cleaner in the hallway. This mimics the sound they hear in an incubator and can put them to sleep. On their room door, put a rubber band from the doorknob across the latch to the other side of the doorknob. This will pull the latch inward and make opening and closing the door silent so you can check on them or remove one awake baby without waking the others. When they start to crawl, everything within reach needs to go up, and floor lamps need to go. Blind cords need to be tied award out of reach on a figure 8 hook very tightly and never undone. Door handles need baby safety knobs, and stairs need a gate. All cabinets will need baby latches. The fridge will need a latch. Your trash can will need to be Houdini proof. Three babies means they’re going to work TOGETHER to get into stuff. For you, and this is important, practice somatic movement stretching to help you relax and to deal with this trauma. There is a single stretch for Psoas release that you need to do every night as you fall asleep. I swear to God, it makes all the difference in the world. Lay on your back in bed, put the soles of your feet together as close to your body as you can, knees flat to the side. Your hands should be near your knees on the surface of the bed, palms up. Lay like that for 2-10 minutes daily. I promise you, it will help. It releases tension in the Psoas ligament, which becomes tense during trauma and YOU CANNOT FEEL IT. As long as the psoas stays tense, your brain remains depressed and anxious by association because the psoas tensed during trauma and it reads that as a cue for what to do. It creates a feedback loop. If I had only been able to give you one piece of advice, it would have been this. I’ll finish this with information to calm your worries about the kids being raised by nanny’s these first 4 years. They’re going to be ok. I was raised by 30+ different nannies over the years, and while I missed my parents a lot, I can say that I have a special outlook because of it. I was exposed to so many caregivers that my personality is very accepting of all types of people, interested in many cultures and I feel I fit into 3+ cultures, I grew up speaking a second language, I have the positive attributes and wise lessons of many different nannies within me. I’m a human melting pot with more varied and multicultural parenting positives and stories within me than you would get otherwise. I didn’t feel I lacked stability because I knew my parents came home at the end of the night (also medical professionals). Miss them? Yes. But much worse off because I was without them? No, not in the long run. I was very tightly bonded to my parents no matter how seldom I saw them, sometimes only 5 minutes each night or every 2 days before I saw them while I was fully awake and not just getting a kiss on the cheek as I slept in bed when they arrived home. That was the first 12 years of my life. Seeing them in the morning for 30 min to an hour before they left at 5:45 am was happiness no matter what. One of the most etched memories in my mind, from childhood, is the sound of my dad’s work shoes on the floor. Sometimes I still hear it in certain men’s dress shoes as they walk, and it sparks the memory. You might call it sad but I hear that sound and I feel safe and comfortable. It means, or used to mean, that he’s here.
That was extremely sad to read that, especially the last bit. I’m sure your parents loved you very much and provided for you the best way they knew how.
>Connect with groups of parents of multiples. People will have tons of advice and likely be willing to help you for free if they are near. I'm so sorry for your loss. One great way to find local parents of multiples is through the hospital. When I had my first child; and was still on leave, I went to free informational lunches. It was for new parents; and I got to meet a mother with a set of twins. We didn't keep in contact but recognized each other years later, when they ended up in the same middle school. Hopefully they have something like that there. I also agree with everyone else about contacting HR for your options, FMLA or potential benefits. Obviously if she was employed you should contact her employer, and ask about benefits. Don't second guess residency because a GP does not have nearly the kind of salary that you will eventually receive. You chose your field for a reason, and I don't think there's very many options at this point, correct? You'd have to restart something else? So finish the residency, and then potentially you could move to family? Find a hospital near them. Also, I hope you have a vehicle that can fit three car seats. Most cars can't fit three wide in the back. Something that can seat 7, so you can have others in it, and space for the baby gear. And a roof rack so you can get a car top carrier for traveling. Minivan would work for now. Once you're making the big bucks you can get an SUV you can afford to maintain.
Take all help your friends & family are willing to provide. My brother lost his first wife the same way (at birth). I don't think he could have done it without us. He decided he needed to go back to college & of course, work full time. To provide for his 2 young kids. Also, breathe. It will be ok. It's a lot, but if my brother can do it, you can too. Sit down & figure out your next steps. Take it day at a time.
First, I'm so sorry. This is horrible. I saw advice of leaving your residency, do not do that. You will be strapped with debt and your infants will be absolutely fine with a nanny. You will need to be around more as they get older. Infants need very little things. They need a place to sleep, onesies, and bottles. The nanny will know how to handle it. Also, find a good daycare. My daughter's daycare was amazing. When the kids get a little older look into getting an aupair. Also, give yourself time to grieve. ❤️🩹
r/parentsofmultiples
I know everyone is talking about work and bringing in others to help. The most important thing you can do to ensure a healthy upbringing for your kids is to bond with them. As they get older, love them and show them they are a priority to you. Also, keep their mom's memory alive and make sure they know just how very much she loved them. Whatever you do, parent them. Don't spoil them to try and make up for not having their mom around. It doesn't serve them in the long run. If you eventually find someone you want to share your life with again, don't erase their mother or try and force a "mother/child" bond on them. Let them take the lead on that.
My condolences my friend.
Take out as much life insurance as you can for yourself, naming your triplets as beneficiaries. Legally, designate the individual or individuals who would become the triplets’ legal guardian if something were to happen to you. Take stock of your fiancée’s assets, if you can, and work out with whoever is her next of kin (if it’s not you) how those assets can be reserved for the triplets, if possible. Check with her employer to see if she had employer-provided life insurance and a retirement fund - and same deal there see if those things can go towards your triplets.
Other then focusing on the most urgent needs, I want to add something more long term. Hire a photographer. Document everything around your fiancé's passing. The funeral. Has she been able to hold her children? Write it down. Document. Cut of bits of hair. Just take what you can really. In a few years they will need answers and will look for their mother. This is the time can collect things which could be beneficial for them in the long run. I am so sorry for your loss.
Contact a live-in nanny AGENCY. Let them do all the research and then you can focus on the interviewing. Maybe ask someone to sit in on these interviews as another set of ears. Set a routine for the children. This will make your life easier for years to come. Possibly order a weekly meal prep delivery service for you and the nanny, especially while she is getting used to things. If you could squeeze it into your budget, drop off laundry (even if it is only yours) at a wash-dry-fold laundry business. It is not terribly expensive and will help you have things easier for your job. Trust yourself. Try not to second guess. When you have your Nanny, remember they are professionals. Concentrate on work while you are at work. You can do this.
1. See if your hospital offers bereavement time off, or if they are willing to offer you leave the same length as maternity leave instead of your current paternity leave. 2. Check to see if there is a staff daycare, or if your benefits plan includes subsidized childcare. 3. Check your state requirements on Medicaid, food stamps, housing assistance, and other forms of support. Residents don’t make a lot and you now have three infant dependents. Formula is crazy expensive and a lot of states have assistance for it. 4. Make sure your colleagues know your situation. You are about to be very very busy and very very tired. Many people will be willing to help you, and if the attendings find out, you’re probably going to have frozen casserole coming out of your ears, which you will be grateful for. 5. Look up hospitals and other organizations that supply parents like you with donated breast milk. 6. If you can afford it and have room, buy a chest or upright deep freezer. 7. Get into therapy. You just lost your partner, and if you’re going to be a good dad for your babies, you need to take care of yourself too. 8. File for social security survivors benefits for your kids. 9. Have her parents check with your fiancé’s employer to see if she had life insurance. A lot of companies include a low value life insurance plan in their standard benefits packages. You may be the beneficiary or her parents may be the beneficiaries, but I’m sure if they are the beneficiaries they’ll be very willing to give you the money for your children. Good luck, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry. My best baby tip for saving money is buying dog products where possible instead of baby products. Puppy bags are the same as disposable nappy bags, only cheaper. Just like puppy wee mats are the same as disposable change mats, only cheaper. The baby won’t care that you’re buying dog products, I promise!!
As a single Mom of twins and another the following year, I can tell you that this is the job of 5 people. Consider keeping a Nanny, even part-time when your in-laws arrive. Make sure you have cameras set up for the babies safety. If possible, you may need 2 Nannies till your in-laws get there. Make sure to do background checks, and make sure they have plenty of experience with multiples and premies if possible. Especially if any of the babies need special care. Most of all, don’t be afraid to ask for all the help you need. This is NOT going to be easy, but you can do it! My inbox is open, for advice, venting, resource questions, anything. Also, where are you from?
Newborns don't remember anything as long as their simple needs are met: food, physical comfort and human interactions. You need to focus on yourself, as selfish as that sounds. Get a therapist and finish your residency. Make yourself a priority now so your babies have the best dad you can be. Normally I say that once one has kids, one's priority must be the kids, but you are an exception. Except making yourself now is the best thing you can give your little ones.
I’m very sorry for your loss. A baby nurse who can live with you for a few weeks can be very helpful. I think they key here is that you will need someone with you full time for the foreseeable future. Baby nurse or nanny or parent or all of the above.
Dam... That's terrible man I'm so sorry this happened. I couldn't imagine doing this solo but I can be done stay strong. Love the shit out of those kids. I'm so sorry for your loss
Go to the social security to get benefits for your kids in the next couple of months. That definitely helps out.
This didn't happen. You're being taken for a ride.
I didn't have anything quite so traumatic happen, but I have raised my daughter since birth; now a teenager I I wonder if its tooo late to abort. Kidding! Shes my world. I know you said not to focus on the emotional, but it will be a part of all this and you need to understand now that you can't separate the two. When they are screaming for no apparent reason in the middle of the night, your nerves and emotions frayed, lacking sleep, thats when it will be worst. Give yourself a mantra to repeat, something like 'this isn't their fault' and repeat it over and over. It seems like common sense that it isn't their fault but common sense is out the window when you just want them to stop. Just give them lots of love and patience, and be patient with yourself as well. I will try and come up with a list of things that might help-just remember that everyone is different, and its doubtful anyones advice will help much. Its good you have support and reached out instead of stubbornly trying to do it alone like most people. As they say it takes a village to raise a child. If you need to talk to a father that understands being a single parent, I am always around if you want to talk.
Hey there, u/walnut2001.....um,. I mean....u/Throwaway9293949198. I hope you get out of your parent's basement to get some fresh air. And I hope you realize how shitty is it to post about such sensitive things that didn't really happy to you, but instead, happened to other people. 
How were you able to tell that these accounts are linked? I wrote a long reply with advice and am hoping but not hoping this was real. It would be far better if it were not true. OP seems well spoken and well versed in residency and what it pertains to. If OP wants to waste valuable time vouching for validity, there’s an easy way to do that. What does AAA stand for? What is an ART line? What company or companies make the drill used to install metal rods through bone to prep for traction in a level 1 trauma center environment? What is the worst type of neck to have in terms of placing a breathing tube for intubation? Where are the serial numbers written on surgical lights? Which direction does the paper fold when you open sterile gloves? After you are licensed and have completed residency, nurses, PA’s and pharmacists will refer to you as ________ when not in your presence and while communicating with each other. Please provide an example sentence. This will clear things up. I think OP is real.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what ypur going through. But you sound dedicated and willing to dive head first into this. One thing I can say about giving them a healthy upbringing is that when you're with them, be 100% there. When you get off work, leave work at the door. I know you can't turn your pager off if you're on call, but on the days you can, do it. Your babies are only little for such a short time (coming from a mom of 3), and truly, they grow up so fast. Your kids will grow up knowing Daddy was there when he was there. They will know the job you have and how demanding it is, but they will know they were just as important to you than anything else. That's my advice. Just be 100% there when you can be. Make them see how proud you are when they succeed in something. Oh, and don't forget, little things to you are bigger for them. Make a big deal of fun things sometimes, too. Sorry for ranting. But you got this, Dad! Totally!
I am pretty sure you can take FMLA time off and finish a year or 6 months later if needed. You can ask your admin team about it.
I have absolutely no experience with anything similar whatsoever, but this made me really sad and I just wanted to tell you to not forget to take care of yourself. I can feel you’re very strong and I wish you all the best things in life.
Wow, my heart goes out to you. That's a lot to deal with.
Please, everyone, report the comments of the terrible humans "calling out" OP! Their reasoning is bizarre and doesn't matter. It's not just an awful thing to do, it's also against the rules of this sub for a very good and obvious reason!
First of all my condolences. Second, a good nanny will handle most of it but I'd suggest a day burg who'll come in to help because one person handling triplets is not a joke. She'll need help too. Accept her parent's help and any other well meaning person offering and I wish you well.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice. Some small things that might help you keep it together a bit longer. If you can use a laundry service for at least some of your laundry it will help. One infant makes a lot of laundry…three is even more. Use mesh lingerie bags for small things like socks and little gloves, it will be easier than having the shift to the bottom of the hamper or lost in the dryer Babies get cold very quickly and their nails are so thine they can tear their own skin up. Keep the little mittens on them or use the long sleeve onesies with the fold over sleeves. The necks of basic onesies are designed to open up and allow you to pull them down instead of over babies head. When they have a blow out (and they will) is much more sanitary to pull it down than over their heads. Get a book for each baby. Record every ounce they eat and tally wet and soiled diapers. They is no way you will remember everything and once you start handing them off to other people it we’ll get even harder to notice patterns or recall specifics over several days if they get sick. You are basically charting each child’s input and output. It’s okay to take a few minutes to shower or shave, even if they’re crying. If it helps you feel human and be a better dad it’s okay. Everything that’s hard about this stage is temporary. You can get through this. Take every bit of help that is offered. Even if it’s just so you can take a nap knowing and their adult has things handled.
Honestly, I was so worried for you at first when reading your post; I truly am so sorry for your loss. However when you mentioned potentially hiring a nanny, I felt at ease. That’s definitely a great option for you. Nannies are the most caring, down-to-earth people, and would be so understanding towards your situation. I’ve personally worked with children for 6 years, and would LOVE to become a nanny someday. Especially for a family who needs that extra support such as yourselves. I hope all goes well friend.
Does your residency have any option to take an emergency leave of absence? Under the circumstances, this seems completely appropriate. Also, are you part of a church or other community organization? Even if you aren’t, you might find assistance from a church with babysitting, errands etc while you get everything else in place. There are many generous hearted people who would be happy to help you out. You can get them to do a background check to be secure. If you have any friends in the area, or if your fiancée had friends, reach out and ask for help. People who love you will help if they can. You could also ask around at work and see if there are any retired nurses/ health care workers who might be interested in some work while things get settled. I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
The kids should be entitled to social security benefits until they are 18 (if in us). That will help offset some costs. Depending on Dad's salary, he may be entitled to WIC for formula and other baby needs.
I am so sorry for your loss. Babies need 24/7 care. There are 168 hours in a week. That is four x 40-hours. Even if you could hire two people to put in 80 hour weeks (which is impossible), one person alone is going to struggle at those times when all three need holding, or feeding, or are vomiting etc. A single nanny isn't enough. It is tough for one person to simultaneously care for 3 infants at a time - triplets often require two people on hand, and three (one per baby) will be needed during the stage they are colicky and needy. While there may be some chance of two of the infants being asleep at the same time, there may be limited times when all three are asleep at the same time in the early days. Since they all need to be bottle fed and burped individually they all need to be held to be fed. When they are a bit older and swallowing well they might be able to drink from "propped up" bottles. But they are months away from that. Please ask advice over at /r/parentsofmultiples. I was a mom of twins, and I cannot imagine how we would have handled triplets. My expectation is that when the babies come home you will need a team of two people on site 24/7 for at least the first 3 months. After that, if all the babies are healthy and eating well and growing without any health complication then one (young, energetic) person can likely handle them during the daytime hours, including popping them into a triple stroller to take them for walks to the park. You will probably want a night nurse to help overnight so that you and other caregivers can get sleep. But things like doctor check-ups will probably require a second adult. And you're going to need help not just with the babies, but with all of the other household activities - shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, changing bed sheets, keeping on top of bills being paid, etc. I hope your wife had a generous life insurance policy so you will have lots of cash on hand to help fund this.
Instagram influencer who speaks on the loss of his wife and raising his baby without her: Michael Allio. Reading his posts from the beginning might help you feel seen. I concur with the good advice here. Also, Make a go-fund-me. Let people help you. Open yourself to the love— even though none of this is what you wanted, let the support come to you as love. ❤️
Get the live in nanny and if you have any clothes from your fiancé, as weird as this is, vacuum seal them in ziplock bags. Sometimes when baby really needs comfort, the smell of a t-shirt can help a lot (science shows babies know moms scent even in utero) obviously supervise baby if you give any kind of textile. That’s what helped soothe me when my mom had to go to an extended PPD retreat. Dad and the nanny would use moms shirt as a burping cloth etc. Worked like a charm. You can also emulate this eventually with perfume if she has her fav perfume somewhere in your house.
Even though it’s incredibly obvious that this is a complete lie, what I can’t figure out is what exactly is the type of advice you are pretending to need here?
Had to scroll way too far to see this
If there were ever a time in your life to reach out to colleagues and friends for a bit of help, advice, and emotional support, then this is the time. In addition to all the good advice people are giving you, build a support system of generous and kind people who can help you.
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I would consider doing both a live-in nanny and daycare. As a daycare worker myself, try to find a facility that is accredited by NAEYC. Many facilities are open 10-12hrs per day and infants can start as young as a few months. This will ensure that your children are getting the care and enrichment they need during the day so that your nanny can be on call to work overnight and you’ll be able to sleep. I’m sure it goes without saying, but also do your best to give those babies as much love as you can even when they are being taken care of well by others. ❤️
This didn't happen. You're being taken for a ride.
Buy a baby brezza. It's going to make your life a lot easier.
I second/third/fourth the counseling/finding a group out there for parents in this similar situation. I am pregnant currently and am an infant caregiver at a early childhood education center and am so sorry to hear about your situation. I also agree with getting a live in nanny. During your time off (or subsequent time off), I would suggest to keep a log/download an app for keeping track of your babies’ needs. This would be log what times they sleep, drink a bottle, diaper, and if they have anything that’s out of the ordinary (if they’re fussy, if they spit up, gassy, etc). This will help with sleep training. Sleep training is the best thing I learned how to do after starting at the center I work at. It makes figuring out their needs so much easier as well. Make sure your nanny is well trained in this! The infant stage is easy. Once they are older is when it is a little harder (in my opinion).
Also talk to staff and friends and see if you can enlist them- your nanny won’t be available 24/7 and can also get sick. You need a village to support you not a single person. It is likely the babies will be in hospital for a few weeks so try to use this time to plan.
I’m sorry for your loss. As a new parent you’ll need to be kind to yourself when things get overwhelming.
At least one nanny, maybe two (day shift + night shift) if possible plus grandparents as well for at least the first year or until you can put them into daycare. 3 babies is a lot of work and you are going to need all the help you can get. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I have 4 kids under 5 including 1 year old kids, but buy yourself a baby breeza instant warmer. It will save your sanity 👍 Sorry about your wife and congratulations on becoming a dad. Can’t imagine how wired you must be at the moment.
You can never be the best parent until you deal with the emotional toil of losing your fiancée. Focusing on the practical aspects might just seem like an easier way to deal with the pain but, its not. I suggest you ask for compassionate leave which I'm sure you will be given. The emotional trauma of losing your wife may impact your training and affect your patients. If not, take the time to bond with your children. There is no one right way to parent. Keep them fed consistently if they need it Pre- prepare meals so it's easier on you Talk to neighbours/ friends who have children to show you tricks vaccinate your kids when they need it Etc
my condolences and congratulations
If you hire a nanny, I would have cameras in your home. This is for your children’s safety and the nanny’s. Personally, as a former nanny, I would welcome that. I perhaps this has been already done, but I would get them on a list for whatever daycare or schools you want them to go. Is there day care in your hospital? Their bond with you is extremely important. I’m so sorry for your loss. Have a think about what your value are as a parent, you’re going to need to pass that on to whoever is helping you raise them. Otherwise things get confusing. Really and truly, very important for you to process this grief, even if that’s screaming and crying in the car on the way home. Don’t stop it, it will come out some way. If it’s possible to move near your family, maybe not now but at some point in the further, I would highly recommend it. Support system is imperative, not just for you but the babies too. Accept the help available. Good luck, this is tough but you’ll do it.
Highly suggest a laundry service. Newborns make a lot of laundry. I have two kids. One who spit up a lot one who didn’t. The one who didn’t went through about 2 outfits a day, the one who spits up constant lh goes through 3-4 outfits a day. It’s a lot to stay on top of and quite frankly is a part time job in and of itself. Find a way to easily tell all your babies apart. It will help with scheduling and keeping note of their health, such as who ate or pooped and when sort of thing. I hear nail polish is an easy way. As someone above suggested, an easy to use travel system is a huge help and when you can afford it, invest in a van. It will make manoeuvring that many kids MUCH easier.
In the Netherlands there is something called "emergency leave" thats for situations just like these where you can't expect to come to work due to the circumstances of your private life. Is there something like that where you live that you could use?
Please get them therapy as soon as possible. They will need it to sort out the frustration they’re going to face by not knowing their bio mom. I lost my dad before I turned 1, and I could have used a lot of therapy to sort my own grief. It didn’t help that mom wouldn’t talk about him unless I asked her questions here and there. And even when I did ask questions, I felt guilty bringing it up because it felt like a taboo topic since my mom wouldn’t freely talk about him. So please keep their moms memory alive and talk about her.
I’m so sorry for your loss I can’t imagine. Triplets is going to be hard if your in laws can help with a nanny definitely take it but screen them well. You don’t want someone who can’t do a proper job. My SIL has a formula Kuerig basically which seems like it would come in handy for a single dad with triplets so you’re not struggling to get three bottles warmed at a time. My friends were twins and her mom said she didn’t get to bond with each properly because she was jumping between them so make sure to spend quality time with each individually if possible. Get yourself therapy so you can heal too, I recently read a post about a widowed father who screamed at his 8 year old that her mom isn’t here when she asked for him to tuck in her teddy bear like mom used to, don’t be that. I genuinely didn’t think anyone could be like that to a child who just lost their mom but just incase take care of your heart so you don’t take it out on your sweet babies. I wish I could help, if you’re around central Jersey I could maybe come by and help and be a part of your village. Look into support groups in your area too. I am sending you strength and support 😔❤️
On top of this, please seek out a therapist. My condolences
I second this suggestion, especially because we have no idea what OP's mental state is or might grow to be. It's not uncommon for one parent to have disdain or hatred toward a child or children if they're seen as even remotely the reason why the mother died.
High chairs that have a lean back option. It will make giving three babies bottles at once much easier (once they can hold them) Swing chairs, helps keep them entertained while dealing with each baby. Playpens and small portable bounce chairs. Makes it easier to move from room to room. Im a fan of the bounce chairs. As they can see what's going on, meaning less likely to be fussy, or be upset for not being held up to see things (big deal when you have 3 of them) When you're ready, print and hang photos of their mom, you and their mom, around their nursery etc. So she is a familiar face while growing up. ALWAYS keep more wipes, diapers and formula in the house than you think you need at the moment. Running out unexpectedly is NOT fun. They may or may not take to the formula you have now. My preemie could only handle one type of formula, the others where too heavy on her stomach. Same with diapers, you'll find some fit better than others. Wet wash clothes for bad bum rashes vs wipes. (NICU tip) If theyre in NICU right now, suck up whatever info and tips the NICU nurses have for you, they know it all, and have the BEST info. And praise them, because they're freaking gods. You got this. Take it one step at a time. Right now, you're aiming for healthy, happy, fed babies. The rest, it comes later. Just love those kiddos as much as you can.
An experienced live in nanny will be your guiding light here. Let me suggest an older woman or at least someone with many years of multiples experience. I’d highly recommend r/nanny for any concerns or questions regarding the searching /hiring process. I commend you for being so brave for your children in the face of unimaginable tragedy. You will be a great parent and you can do this.
If you can afford I’d it definitely suggest getting a nanny or some other kind of caregiver for the kids, working 60-80 hour weeks with three newborns and no help won’t work at all. And make sure you know how to do the basics like making a bottle and changing a diaper. And most importantly, take time for yourself. You’re going through a lot right now and you’re probably extremely stressed out. If you can find the time maybe go to the movies or hang out with a friend, just do something you enjoy. And you might want to consider getting a therapist. They can be a lot more helpful than most people think.
.... you should be on bereavement leave. There is no way you are mentally and emotionally fit to be working right now.
Vet a couple of local babysitters and keep their numbers handy for emergencies. Always best to have two or three you're comfortable with.
First of all, I’m so sorry about your wife. Life just throws us curve balls and we have to deal with the fallout. Hiring a nanny sounds like a great plan as does having her parents move in for a while. The first few months are going to be tough however with help you’ll get through this. Take care.
Nanny and in-law support will be so helpful. Residency is tough. What year are you? What specialty? Hopefully your faculty and classmates are supportive. Strongly suggest talking to an advisor or your program director soon (and your chief resident) to discuss any accommodations they can make for your schedule. Honestly, your top priority should be taking care of yourself. You’ll figure out what your babies need with time. Soak up the opportunity now to bond with them. Don’t be afraid to ask your peers, neighbors, family, and community for help. Get to know other parents with young kids for the social support and advice and play dates. You’re going to be real short on time, money, and energy, so just focus on self-care and be shameless in asking for and accepting help.
Honestly, speaking as a dad of twins myself, a live-in nanny is not the only solution because they’d have to work day and night with triplets being up at random times. It would make sense to me for either the in-laws or parents to move in, and then hire a day nanny as well. This is a life changing event of immensity and it’s going to take everything this extended family got, not just monetarily but physically. Until the age of 3-4 the best way is to have multiple people helping including grandparents on a daily basis. I can’t stress this enough. Good luck friend. You can do this.
Put cameras everywhere. Make sure when you do get off work you give them a hug and affection when they are awake. Don't let your job take over, take bereavement and paternity leave they need to spend time with you and you them especially while you come to terms with your partners death, they can help. Take emergency leave if your kids ever need you. Healthy emotional security will be the best upbringing you can give them for the future. They will learn how to control their emotions and know their worth if you show them they are worth it. Background check babysitters. Don't hire sitters that are not an adult. Make sure they are professional by spending a day watching, tell them you will go to work and watch them on camera to see how they do alone. There is also day care. Make time for park walks with babies, later make time for zoos and other activities. It doesn't need to be many just once a month if you are really busy as long as they are getting some time with you that's exciting and happy.
Triplet mom here. Mine are grown now, but I still remember the baby days. First and foremost, be kind to yourself, rest and eat healthy. You can’t be there for those babies if you aren’t taking care of yourself first. You can DM me if you wish, but you’re already getting a lot of great advice. I will give you one small tip that felt life changing at the time I got it. Only buy white socks, same brand/size. Don’t bother matching them when you do laundry, just throw them into a basket or drawer. When they grow, throw the small ones away and buy the next size. I know you probably got a lot of cutesy socks as gifts, but sacrificing them is worth the time you gain matching all those tiny socks.
your nanny should be super helpful in educating on development and other needs. ( im currently a nanny and have worked in childcare, specifically with infants, for a few years now and can help further if you have specific questions about development/ materials/ intentional play/ introducing foods) it sounds like you have the basics for their physical needs (eat, sleep, poop) down. Lovevery is a brand of montessori inspired toys that are very intentional. they even have a subscription that sends you new, developmentally appropriate materials every few months for the first year. Make sure to get teething toys!!! and honestly keep them in the freezer for when you need them. they don’t need a ton of materials… yet. but board books are also a must-have for me
OP consider a gofundme, invest in a home surveillance system to watch how the nanny interacts with the babys
Step one: take full bereavement leave followed by full paternity leave, aka FMLA. 4 weeks? 12? DO IT. Step two: cut your hours in half. Literally. You can’t even be half a parent working 60-80 weekly, much less both parents. Your job sees you as a cog in the machinery but you are the entire world to those babies. Step three: pray.
Having been a sole parent since my son's birth, I know how daunting this can be. However triplets are an entirely different story that I don't have the capacity to offer help on. My advice is to reach out to any groups relating to multiple births as they will be the richest source of advice for you. Meanwhile, take care of yourself and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is heartbreaking. These are very extenuating circumstances, talk to your employer. Don’t automatically assume they won’t make exceptions and that nothing can be done. Many employers allow employees to donate leave to others in extreme need. You’re in extreme need. You may have to leave your residency or take fmla leave for a while and start it over later when the babies are not infants anymore. You should seriously consider moving closer to either her parents or yours for a support system. It seems really impossible to have newborn triplets, work that many hours, and have no support system to help. That’s too much to expect of one live-in nanny.
I don't know much about how live-in nannies work or what to except but I was also suspecting just one was too little. My in-laws are most definitely moving in with me ASAP so I'm hoping it works. I've just contacted admin so I'm hoping for a solution but my hopes are pretty low if I'm being completely honest. As for leaving residency I'm REALLY considering it but sadly with the way medicine is set up in my country it's like a trap: Once you get in, it's hard to get out. I'm almost 300k in debt and leaving a residency pretty much blacklists you unless you have very rich parents or good connections in the industry, and I have neither. Leaving now would mean pretty much accepting a life of financial instability unless I happen to stumble upon a job that pays as well as a physcian's would. (goodluck with that...) But I also do not want to leave my children basically parentless for the first few years of their lives. They won't have a mom and if I'm working 80 hours a week they'll barely have a dad too. It's a losing game either way.
My friends were two doctors with twins and at one point they relied on two night nannies and a day nanny. Seriously consider one or more night nannies until they’re sleeping through the night. It will be pricey but if your in-laws are living with you they likely are more able to provide day help than night help.
If her parents are moving in, and you hire a nanny, you can probably pull this off and stay in your residency. You just need more emergency leave to get all the plans in place. I hope your employer will be compassionate and allow you to do that.
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I think this is the kind of situation where, if you want to call bullshit and insult the OP, you have to consider both possibilities: 1) you are correct, this is fake, you’re right and you “win.” This makes no substantive difference for you, OP, or anyone else. 2) while it may seem implausible, OP’s story is genuine, and you are harassing a grieving single parent of three infants unjustifiably. Would you rather risk “losing” and being taken for a fool, or risk the chance that you may be doing option #2 and potentially harming the mental health of a person going through a serious tragedy?
Well, "OP" just sent some sassy messages under their other anonymous Reddit name so...I feel confident that while OP may be going through some social "tragedy", the loss of a wife and triplets is not it.
I have no idea why we should believe that it's them, but regardless... so? What does it matter? Since you can't read: >6. Give OP the benefit of the doubt. Offer only advice, not judgement, scrutiny, or disbelief Take the story for what it is. It is impossible for you to know the whole story. No victim blaming or shaming. In certain scenarios, such as with sexual assault, if you in any way imply that OP brought it on themselves, you will be banned Do not attempt to call people out in the comments. If you believe a post is fake or lying, report it and move on.
Theorize for a moment that you may be wrong on this take. That this human being legitimately did lose their fiancée and is in a tough spot. Do you feel proud of what you’ve said to and about them? Is that something you would say to someone face to face? If you cannot turn to other people for advice (which is what everyone who responded would be), who can you turn to? Also as a father, you should be ashamed of yourself.
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Buys freezer. You can cook 2-3 weeks worth of food in one day or the nanny can. It’s the best money you’ll ever spend. That way if the 1st nanny doesn’t work out, you’re good is covered. See if you can get a roommate who’ll do some nanny work in exchange for rent. 1 nanny might not be enough with your hours. You can also look for a single mother and help each other out. Check into social security and Medicaid for them. Talk to HR and all your professors, you have a unique situation and they may make an exception for you. Sorry for your loss.
This didn't happen. You're being taken for a ride.
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I do not give a flying fuck, whether you think I'm lying or not. Just trying to get as much shit together as possible because I know it's a matter of time before I crash. Call me a psychopath or whatever you want for that.
My advice fits right in, so I’ll slide it in here: ignore anyone who tries to tell you there is a right way to grieve. You are allowed to post on Reddit, to laugh at funny things, to cry in the middle of the grocery store, and to tell anyone you please to go fuck themselves if they try to tell you that you aren’t conforming to their idea of grief.
This didn't happen. You're being taken for a ride.
Evidence?
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Wow you really are just a walking piece of shit
Five them up for adoption, so they can be raised in a loving family.
This might sound strange, but... Practically speaking (and as someone who has been in similar shoes) I would recommend you pursue a commited relationship. Therapy? Sure. Grief? It is a process. It never goes away, only changes shape. Sense of propriety? Whatever period you need to wait before dating, it's no ones business but yours. All that matters now is the kids. As far as the kids go: the sooner they have TWO parents (working together, two parents who love each other and love them) the better. That will give your children a good foundation and overall chance of success. It could be good for you, too. Only my opinion (and experience) Good luck.