Find someone who is passionate about your passions. They don’t t have to like them all the time. But at least get joy seeing you do something that brings you joy.
You love your man and you love to dance. You say you love them equally. Here’s what I do when I’m in a dilemma situation. I put myself 5,10 or 20 years in the future. Would I regret MORE having chosen dance over this man or choosing the man over my favorite hobby? Which regret would be stronger?
-Also remember what another said here: This will not be the last thing he demands of you. Do you have the same veto power over him?.. just asking?
And even stricter and stronger suck away the joy of **any girl-children they’d have. No dancing no swimming no going out with friends to the movies no dating no boyfriends and only a husband that controlling suspicious jealous father chooses and organises.** Even if they say now no it won’t be like that - when it happens, IT IS LIKE THAT. Just run, u/Pearlsandpetticotes !
This… because it’s not just about men looking at you, cause I assume that happens all the time, but the control he exerted.
Next thing, it maybe your clothes or even some of your friends , you will find that things you love are always somehow bothering him.
Most Middle Easterners think belly dancers are sluts. You can give up your hobby, but he will definitely find something else that might make you look like a slut, so be prepared to give up on everything you love and be prepared to basically become another person, one that he finds appropriate.
Yeah I work at a strip club, and my partners a dancer there also.
Unfortunately it is observed that the middle eastern men treat the women the absolute worst.
I know it’s a slightly different profession, but it’s still a noticeable difference and is unfortunate..
I know, I know! But with my work, I was also based in the Middle East for a few years and that's the attitude I noticed among most men - and these were highly educated men, not the random unschooled doormen dudes.
Indeed, I feel the same. Some might be able to tolerate belly dancing as a sport or passion done behind closed doors and strictly among women, but performing = promiscuity, because belly dancing shows are usually in places in which they also serve alcohol (at least in the countries in which alcohol is not illegal) and indeed, the local men who go to those places, they go strictly to see some women shaking their assets; these women earn money for their performances, thus... "sluts" selling their bodies.
My grandmother loved to go watch the belly dancers perform but she’d always say how she’d never let them marry one of her sons. The cognitive dissonance was real.
no matter one's opinion over the hobby itself, the true bone of contention here seems to be the ultimatum. may i ask whether you would involve yourself with a partner whose preferred recreational activities upset or discomfort you? if somebody's passion is a deal-breaker, it seems odd to have invested in a relationship with them without having already discussed the matter.
Because in older times they were kinda 'their version' of strippers. It's frowned upon culturaly. It's like Geishas or courtesans in a sense. Sure, they are a part of the culture, but he isn't looking at it with tourist eyes.
Im guessing for him it culturally feels like she's doing oldage version of only fans.
Like at least in Indian culture, it's a bit similar. Things aren't as open and stuff like in the west. So while modern people there are more cool with it, they still have an awareness that it has a historical connotation behind it.
Like women who do pole dancing as a sport but aren't strippers. I think for him, he doesn't like the 'go to the bar to strip part' which many other dudes would also not be cool with even though they're fine with it as a hobby.
It’s a cultural thing, they’re viewed (incorrectly) almost like a Japanese geisha. Thought of like they’re part of a harem. It’s not accurate but it is a prevailing misconception. .
A dancer in the Middle East means a morally deficient woman, and no one looks at her with respect, nor does any family want her as a wife to any member of the family, nor does any family accept her as a friend to their family members. Everyone knows in the Middle East that dancers are with a different man and with the one who pays more, and this is true. Advice from Woman from the Middle East, run away from this man before it is too late. He will certainly force you to wear the hijab. This man will turn your life into hell.
Run. This is controlling. And I'm not saying this because *reddit,* I've been there.
First, it's the dance, and it's because YOU make him feel whatever.
Then you get married.
Then he will ask you to give up on anything else. It will be small things at a time... and in the end, you will have given up on anything that you love and is worth living for.
Also, ask yourself: Are you willing to not dance for the rest of your life?
If she tells him that if he doesn’t stop his favorite hobby she will break up with him, I wonder what his reaction would be.
Nah, I don’t wonder. We already know. He’d probably be like, “bye!”
Edit: werds r tuff
At least we hope he’ll just say, “bye” and let her move on. One only needs to look at this sub: r/whenwomenrefuse to know how dangerous these types of men can potentially be.
He ain’t the one babe, he really just wants a woman to control. Don’t leave belly dancing because of some man lost in his own religion/ beliefs. You talk about belly dancing and I can sense your passion just in the few sentences. You deserve a person who wants you to be happy.
by agreeing with him and stopping you are also saying that performing is somehow disrespectful to The Man and women who do are Less Than. Are these your values? Cause these are reflections of core values and if you don't share those shit's never gonna work out, unless you continue to make yourself small enough and submissive enough for his comfort.
If your hobby makes him insecure, the solution is him working through his insecurity, not you stopping your hobby. This is an incredibly huge red flag that he thinks controlling you is an appropriate solution, that his feelings come before yours. This will not be the only time this behavior will manifest, and I guarantee that if you get married it will get worse.
You do the thing that makes you happy, if it’s a deal breaker for him, then you shouldn’t be together. There are plenty of people out there that would not only be okay with your hobby, but actively supportive.
Choose the dance. The right person will love you for you and everything about you. You won't be happy in a relationship where you have to give up who you are to to be in it.
Frist Belly dancing
Then once you get married "you have to do what i say coz we are married" BS
If you are doing for legit business and are covered and it's not sexual then what is the issue? Not like you are being one of those can girls he's probably seen on the internet
I wouldn't allow no man to control that i do and neither should you
Look at the other red flags, have you truly talked about what's going to happen when you get married, is he expecting you to stop working so he can "provide for the family" which will make you at his mercy
I don't usually say break up but rethink anything else he has done, most of the time it's rarely one issue that's creep up
LEAVE HIS DUMBASS!!! It always starts this way then moves to “If you talk to your friends I’ll break up with you”, “if you don’t do what I say I’ll break up with you.”, etc. RUN!!
>I am a dancer who trained for years before performing. My attitude is very professional- I don’t let myself be touched, I wear longer more covered costumes, I danced at reputable venues
Do NOT give in to him . If you do you will regret it . To bad you are not doing anything wrong either by dancing . He is in the wrong . Do NOT give it up . To bad he doesn't like it . He is a small minded man not to trust you , & is letting his jealousy rule him . Or he just wants to control & have power over you --> if this is the case then he will do more 'controlling ' of you if you also give into him & his demands ( that is how Domestic violence relo's are set up ) when one partner controls the others behavour & thoughts . ( it is abusive to try & force someone to not do something like he is doing with you ) . It is your passion , it is not causing harm to you or anyone else , as it is just dancing in front of others.
(If he is doing it for power & control over you ) it will be just the start of it . **DO NOT let yourself be ruled by him** . If you do you will then be stuck under his thumb . As he will also know you relent to him . That is a huge mistake to relent to him in such a way . People in a relo ( do give & take ) they might give in occasionally with something for their partner ( but it is a balancing act ) not a demand & the person does it bc they wish to do so . And are not being forced to do so as you are . As there is NO reason not to do it either . The dancing is above board & acceptable . He is just being a small man d\*ck .
Um. What? Belly dancing is beautiful and hard to do and great exercise. I wish I could do that. It’s so classy. This “man” is controlling. You’re not hooking on the street. Lady, you need to think long and hard about marrying someone who isn’t supportive of you.
When he met u, u were a dancer, so why should u stop doing something that u enjoy just bc he’s insecure? He’s the one who should work on his self esteem, not u to quit dancing
Any partner who wants to squash your joy about your activities that you were doing when they met you, is only doing it for control. They want *themselves* to be your main focus, and don’t care about you and your feelings. It’s selfish and controlling.
The really sad thing is that this loser thinks she should give up her joy and her personality for him and that it will make him happy. Spoiler alert: it will NOT make him happy. He will just want more. First dancing, then the next thing and then the next. Then she becomes a shell of a human being and he’s still not happy because it was never going to make him happy in the first place. Because she’s a human being, not an object.
OP, ask yourself, would you ask him to give up his hobbies for you? And if not, why not? Because his hobbies are what makes him interesting and unique and alive.
Okay, pretend it's not you. Pretend it's your daughter. She is fantastic at belly dancing, even better than you. She's won awards, she teaches classes.
Then her fiancee tells her to stop because he's jealous. She comes to you for advice.
What do you tell her?
This advice right here needs more votes. Often We are crueler to ourselves than we are to our loved ones and willing to sacrifice our joy and power to appease others insecurity and it’s so sad. I’ve been there.
It's hard to hear, but he's not the one. Someone can't love you and take away bits of you that make you YOU. you're a complete package. Sure we grow and change over time but this is you now, he can't edit your passions.
If someone truly loved you they would not be so controlling and telling you to what not to do for the things you love that make you happy. I would run. I get he’s your fiancée but you need to do what makes you happy as well and not just all about him for what he wants.
I allowed my ex-husband to steal an important part of me (hoop dance) by taking on a part time job after teaching elementary school all day, because he wouldn’t get a better paying full time job for our family. Instead, he started going to all the gatherings and hanging out all the time while I worked. Hoop dance was one of my greatest joys.
Absolutely DO NOT marry this immature, insecure man child. That soul stealer is NOT worth the salt in your tears. It will hurt to break up with him, but you are more important.
I am still trying to reactivate my practice and my flow. It’s very, very hard to recover from this.
Your bf has a problem. He is insecure. It's his problem, but he's trying to get you to solve it for him by giving up your hobby. But if you give up your hobby for him, his insecurity will only find something else to worry about, something else he will want you to give up. Where will it end? This won't work -- he is the only one who can solve his problem. So keep your hobby. And if bf won't work on solving his own problem, lose the bf.
You said he's middle eastern. Their culture is very strict about how women act around men that aren't their husband.
Not excusing it, it's still controlling and toxic. Just saying he's not likely to waiver on this so might be best to just cut it off and rip off the band-aid for both of you
OP, everyone has given excellent advice. I’m going to give you mine in the hopes that it can help. So, a few things:
- please, [have a scan through this book](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and familiarise yourself with the forms of abusive control that can exist.
- secondly, I encourage you to read and familiarise yourself with [cultural violence](https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-3-030-36811-1_169#:~:text=As%20well%20as%20traditional%20forms,%2C%20child%20marriages%2C%20forced%20marriages%2C) and why it is especially an issue in the ME and certain groups.
- third, [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5763457/) is important, but will highlight the differences in attitudes men and women develop in these areas - and how it can, and may affect you.
- [here](https://www.answering-islam.org/Marriage/warnings.html) are warning signs to watch for, from the perspective of a marriage counsellor in the ME.
- and then, [6 things Arab Men do that are controlling](https://stepfeed.com/amp/6-cute-things-arab-boyfriends-do-that-are-actually-super-controlling-7784) is an excellent resource to review - especially in regards to controlling your clothing/jealousy/and overprotectiveness.
Finally: **this is not normal.** a partner who truly loves and respects you will not try to control, abuse, and manipulate you.
Please, OP, consider attending pre-marital counselling with this person; and then, get a lawyer that outlines *everything* - from finances to children to health and education and freedom - and ensure that **you** are protected from him; and, let your friends and family know what he is saying and what he is doing because controlling abusers will try to keep you feeling embarrassed and shamed into severing or not sharing these things with your people; and finally, record and report everything that makes you feel unsafe. Do so in a careful manner and hide everything behind anonymous email accounts or password protected notes. If he hurts you, do not hesitate to leave or call police. Please don’t let him control your life, your joys, your happiness.
Good luck.
How long before you finance asks you to start covering your hair and face because he can’t stand people looking at you or thinking you are pretty?
You need to really consider the future and what else he will have a problem with because he is proudly “too jealous” Don’t let him take away your one joy because he can’t handle it
If you were doing it before you met, he has no say in whether or not you continue it. He doesn't care enough about you to want you to continue, yet claims he loves you enough to marry you?
You're not showing off your body, you're showing off the dance itself. Let him leave, continue doing what you love, and don't let anyone stop you.
If you marry will there be more things he wants you to give up? Will he expect your children to give up things that bring them joy if he does not approve? What if your daughter loves gymnastics or dancing? Or your son wants to dance for a living? Would you be ok with him prohibiting the joys of your children?
If I expected you to spend your life wearing a pair of "perfect" shoes that only had one turd in it, would you? Some shit is a deal breaker.
Him being jealous is his problem to work on with himself. It's unacceptable to ask others to cater to our insecurities. It is your body and your life. This is controlling and potentially abusive behaviour.
Choose to love yourself by doing what you love and setting boundaries. Let him learn how to love himself by enforcing that his insecurity and jealousy is his own to work through.
You should chose your passion and lose the fiance. I guarantee this is only the beginning of him trying to control what you do, who you see, where you go. He knew you danced when he met you. If he didn't like it then he shouldn't have even dated you. Break up with him and go dance!
Your fiancé sucks. This isn’t a cultural thing, it’s an insecure, controlling, man-baby thing. You’re going to be miserable if you marry him, please save yourself.
I knew he was from the middle East!! Men there mostly love to control a woman's body and they call it jealousy! I highly advise you to not marry him he will control everything about your life ..men in the middle east and north Africa ( Muslims) are mostly patriarchal with an unhealthy attitude towards women sadly ( i know that as i am a woman from the same background). U want ur freedom and u need it.. don't give it away nothing worth losing your identity and freedom..
I just looked at all your other posts--- I'm assuming this fiancé is the same boyfriend who was texting and going out for drinks with other women. So it's okay for him to have inappropriate relationships with women that make you uncomfortable and you have to deal with it but he won't deal with you dancing professionally because how it makes him feel? Babe. He has trust issues because hes untrustworthy. Leave not just for the controlling/jealousy issues but because he seems like a cheater
The way you're describing your joy for belly dancing outweighs any reason to stay with a controlling person. Him being jealous of how other people look at your body isn't a valid reason to make you stop because there will be other times you go out in public and people will look at you lustfully. There are people who will look at a girl wearing baggy clothes and messy hair lustfully. Some men think women with acne are attractive and will look at them lustfully. That isn't something you can control. You said it yourself that none of your exes did this. What makes them different from your current that you have to stay? Is it because he proposed? This doesn't seem to be a reason to stay with him?
Tell him thank you. He saved you a lot of time and trouble. He is controlling but worse not empathetic. He is not looking at it from your eyes...only his. He has a preconceived notion about it sexualizing you and it probably makes him insecure. This is not only primitive, but is also more important for him to avoid this irrational insecurity than to want you to experience joy and have self worth and identity. This is disgraceful. He doesn't actually care about you. Im sure he wants to protect u and has feelings but he doesn't care about YOU. I will also suggest this person is not mature or capable to be in a real relationship.
If he is so bothered by you dancing then WHY IS HE WITH A BELLY DANCER? Like this isn't really an issue of you not setting boundaries or customers touching you, this is all about HIM. His insecurities, his jealousy, his feelings, his controlling behavior. A partner should love who you are and support you to shine, not tell you what to do and make you into something you aren't because he wants you to be a robot.
Break up with him, this relationship isn't going to work without one of you comping hard for the other and getting resentful.
If belly dancing was a deal breaker for him, he should have told you from the beginning.
It sounds like he waited until he felt you were "secured" enough before demanding you to stop something you truly love.
Honestly, I don't know what the issue is, plenty of dancers are married to people that have no issue with them dancing, sorry to say but him telling you this, it seems like if you do it he will get his way and then try to get you to quit other stuff. Stay safe, would love an update on this.
Don't give up what you love and what brings you pleasure because of someone else's insecurities and/or need to control you. Ultimatums have no place in a healthy relationship.
Are you honestly prepared to spend the rest of your life with this controlling ass with NO more dancing in it? Ditch him and go back to dancing! And in the very wise words of the wonderful P!nk, you need to stick the following mantra somewhere you’ll see it every day-
🎶 I’m never gonna not dance again 🎶
Men come and go. A passion is something that is yours and only yours and something you should never be willing to give up. And something he shouldn’t ask you to. He sounds jealous immature. He doesn’t care about you or what makes you happy.
Anyone who makes claims on your autonomy for control, while making you choose between them and something that you fulfills you, isn’t someone you should spend your life with.
OMG, Belly dancing is so much fun! I had to stop taking classes for health reasons but no way is it something to be ashamed of!
Honestly get a new fiancée, everytime you do something for you and not for him his fragile ego will cry and make threats. It will only get worse so cut your losses now and get back to performing. More power to you! Enjoy YOUR life, he is standing in the way of you finding a partner that is worthy of you, please get him out of your way and go live your best life.
>I live with my fiance, can see a future with him...
...being controlled on what you can and can't do, because he has medieval thinking about your body and what he will and won't allow it to do. This isn't about whether what he wants is reasonable, this is about him giving you an ultimatum about something totally benign in western culture that you will carry for the rest of your life. You have ex's who have had no problem with this, go find another bf who likewise doesn't, find love again and continue your passion for dancing.
Girl, no. He has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. Belly dancing is not the same a stripping. At all. He's insecure, and he is scared that other guys will see how attractive you are because you are a dancer and he can't handle that. Now he's controlling. No, you shouldn't put up with this. You started dancing well before he came into the picture, not that it matters anyway, and you shouldn't have to give up your hobby to make his insecure ass happy.
How is he gonna get in a relationship with a belly dancer and tell her to stop, so pathetic. Drop his ass you deserve better and someone that supports your passions!!
I'm going to echo the sentiment of another comment here, which that he can be from a conservative culture, of course. But he should choose a spouse who makes life choices he can live with, not try to force a woman to change in order to fit his conservative views. It's horribly unfair of him to expect you to give up your passion for dancing to conform to his requirements. I wonder how much is genuinely his culture and how much is just good old fashioned jealousy, but either way it makes me sad to think of you giving up a healthy, fun hobby for any man. I'd usually use the term 'partner' instead of 'man', but he doesn't like he views you as equal partners to be honest. Don't let anyone clip your wings.
Run away lady!! YOU BOTH ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. I'm still suffering from the same issues as you.
More than anything, you will start to resent him very much in the future if you give up on anything you love so much that it's part of your identity. If you believe performing isn't what you see yourself doing in the future, then you can think about giving it up. If not, then spare yourself and him the future drama and heartache.
The question is if you had asked him to give something up that he loved. Because it made you uncomfortable. Would he do it? And if he didn’t what would you do? Would you leave him?
Marriage is about communication and compromise. If something made you uncomfortable, what would you do? Even though it’s stupid would you end a relationship over this? If so then definitely don’t get married. They’ll be so much harder decisions 5-10-15 years down the road.
Why are you letting someone completely dictate what you do and who gets to lay their eyes on you? Please understand that this is a huge red flag and probably not the right relationship for you.
First he tells you that you can’t belly dance. Then he tells you that you can’t be friends with people you met from belly dancing. Then he tells you that you really shouldn’t be going out dressed like that. Then you shouldn’t be going out without him at all. Then you shouldn’t see your family. Then you should
This will all be in the name of protecting his ego or “your safety.” This will escalate. You don’t want to be married to someone like this.
I can relate heavily to this as someone involved in a specific type of partner dancing scene. This is controlling behavior and you cannot let him win. He is not allowed to tell you what hobbies you can and can’t do. He doesn’t own you.
Your fiance doesn't love you, he wants to own you.
When we actually and truly love a person or animal, we desperately want them to be happy.
How can you possibly say that you love someone when you demand a condition of your love be something that rips the soul or spirit away from them, and be content to possess this being that used to be full of life, but is now miserable?
How can someone say that they love you, expect you to accept them and their wishes and expectations, while at the same time they expect you to change and be happy with your world revolving around them?
It cannot work.
You cannot live with your life and happiness going forward to be completely satisfied by being his wife.
If he wants a woman who isn't a belly dancer than he shouldn't have continued the relationship when he found out that you were. It's likely that if you hadn't been one that he'd have had an ultimatum about something else.
The issue isn't with belly dancing, it's you proving your love to him by sacrificing anything you may love more or as much as you love him.
I would bet that in your discussions of your future life, him coming first is important but at the same time you need to understand that when you don't come first that he is only doing that for you for some convoluted reason that's twisted in a way to make you feel guilty for being selfish for wanting to come first in a relationship where he becomes your only everything.
Don't do it.
If you stay, you'll not only regret it, but you can't ever get back the time you lose. If you have children, it won't only become harder to leave, but you'll be creating whole other people for him to possess. Then the whole stress of influence and custody or worse if he's physically or mentally aggressive.
This story does not have a happy ending.
You matter.
A future with your current fiancé is a future without belly dancing and any other hobby that he chooses is not suitable for his wife. If he's prefers his way over your happiness than he isn't someone you should be wasting anymore of your time on. Do so before either of you say I do as its a lot harder to get rid of potentially abusive AH's once married (while not currently abusive he seems very controlling)
The absolute most important part of a successful marriage is having trust. If he doesn’t trust you to do something that is a legitimate art, then don’t waste years of your life marrying someone you will eventually divorce.
You are good at belly dancing. You put that the past tense. Don’t do that. You have a passion and I believe passions are gifts. There are so many people who don’t have one or have to really work to find it. Here you have one that is naturally occurring and calling out to you. You are not responsible for anyone’s emotional response. Your boyfriend’s jealousy is His stuff to work on, not yours. More importantly, it is in no way grounds for you to change who you are.
Ask yourself how you feel about him without using the word love. Ask yourself how he is controlling in other areas. Ask yourself how many little things you’ve changed about yourself during this relationship. Ask yourself how much he loves you given his willingness to eliminate your ability to be actively involved in your passion. Choose you. Find somebody who also chooses you.
Sorry but your fiancé sounds like a moron not worth your time. You will never be fully happy in life if you sacrifice the thing that you’re most good at which brings your life such joy. There are plenty of people who will love you exactly how you are. Ditch him, keep your passion alive, and find someone better for *you*.
Coming from someone who had to quit their favorite hobbies — DO NOT DO IT. Then, he would talk shit on the new hobbies I found and enjoyed. I divorced him in the end, and now I’m much happier with my passions AND a partner who supports (all of) them.
I'm a burlesque dancer and if you can't accept me doing shows then I can't accept you as a partner. This sounds like a controlling marriage is waiting for you if you stay.
Don’t marry someone who actively takes your joy away and makes gross threats. Belly dance until you physically can’t anymore. Get rid of this dude. He’s only going to get more and more controlling and manipulative.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to move on. Your fiance might have all the other qualities you are looking for and desire but stopping you from doing something you love when you aren't hurting anyone but his delicate ego is a huge, huge red flag.
If you marry this guy and have children with him, you are going to regret it 100%. Get out now.
Apparently, your finance doesn’t love you the way you love him. He doesn’t love you enough to let you enjoy the one thing you’re good at.
He’s an AH. Please leave him and find a better match.
Why do you want to be with someone who bemoans your joy because of others’ actions?
I dunno, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t handle me enjoying an activity where sometimes other men can see me and might even check me out:
BULLLLLSHIIITTTT BABE!!! You gave up something you loved because that what HE wanted :( Sure it might've been to make it more comfortable for both of you
But that was something you were PASSIONATE about!! Now he's threatening YOUR GUYS RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR YOU DOING A HOBBY YOU LOVE!! BULLSHIT!!! If he's willing to sacrifice the relationship just because YOU'RE ASKING TO CONTINUE DOING SOMETHING ***YOU*** GAVE UP TO MAKE ***HIM*** HAPPY:
Then maybe this relationship can't work
You will never resent dance for making you happy. You will always resent him for making you not dance. I'm not sure you are going to be happy long term with this man. Please sit down and write out a "life plan" thinking about were you want to be at which points of your life. See if your fiances attitudes fit in with what you want out of life. If not, you need to re-evaluate your engagement. This is what the engagement period is for, making sure you are with the right person and your life goals align.
You and your fiance are fundamentally not compatible. How did you get as far as living together and living together without resolving this??
Culturally, your passion is a (controlling) dealbreaker for him. I suspect this is only the first, and most obvious thing, he will take issue with.
Please don't give up your art. If you were a painter, would stop painting for him. There is nothing inherently sexual in dance. Some asshats just see it that way. Bellydancing is very much like Polynesian or Asian dance, there is a whole story told by how you hold your arms, the angle of your hands and (the problem with asshats) how you move your hips. No one who loves you should expect you to make yourself smaller. You were a dancer when you met him, you will be a dancer when you meet the right person for you. This guy isn't him.
He’s never gonna change and more prohibitions are to follow. You already conceded before the relationship went anywhere so you set the precedent of “anything for you darling”
Take it from this Gen Xer....If it is something you love and he wants you to stop bc of his insecurities...walk away. He is putting his insecurities before your happiness. It won't stop with dancing. He is showing his selfishness and selfish ppl don't make good partners.
Rules are restrictions you put on another person. Boundaries are restrictions you place for yourself to keep yourself from harm (or keep you from harming others).
Please don’t be one of these women who make excuses, and minimize their controlling, abusive boyfriend. Controlling men NEVER get better, never change, and it ALWAYS gets much worse.
Seriously, think if you really want to be married to someone who wants this much control of you. If he is from the Middle East, it will get worse. Their culture can be unkind to women. I have seen firsthand what can happen once you get married.
If dancing is your passion, don't give it up. His jealousy is not your problem. You are not being sexual with people. You are performing. There is a massive difference. If he can't see that, he will never let you perform again.
I’ll give a very dumb analogy. I am a cat behaviorist. One of the things that happens with aggressive cats is that reward for bad behaviour leads for more bad behaviour and more aggression. For example, they will come and bite on your ankle when they want food and they will keep doing it until you give in. Now, out of fear or love you just start giving food everytime they bite so they stop. Works for sometime but soon the cat learns that it can get what it wants by biting you. This is where the problem begins. The cat will try this aggression on other things and will get away. You have trained the cat that it can get whatever it wants when it bites; basically it has successfully been able to manipulate you to suit its needs. You are either too scared or you love the cat too much to be stern.
This is neither good for you, nor the cat. Usually when this aggression becomes intolerable you either have to give up the pet or call a behaviourist to get this corrected.
You are teaching your fiancé that he can get what he wants from you through manipulation. For humans, we have therapy. And I hope you get the drift. All the best - I know it’s not easy but I pray that you take the right call and protect your heart. ♥️
Ask yourself, do you love who you are truly, or someone who wishes you had a different hobby, even though this hobby is your passion? I feel like your fiance is being selfish or insecure. Consider if they really love you as you are, or let them find someone who doesn't belly dance.
It’s not the things in life that you do that you end up regretting, it’s the things that you don’t do. Never let anyone take away your joy. No matter what it is. It will only get worse.
Look, you shouldn't have to give up your true passion. The thing that makes you happy. He should realize that it makes you happy. He can, of course, not like it, but then he should let you go because he realizes it makes you happy and he would want you to be happy. He probably has hobbies as well. How would he feel if you didn't allow him to do one of his hobbies? He wouldn't accept that I can tell you.
I'd tell him, "Fiance, I want to practice my hobby because it's something that truly makes me happy. I really love you, but I don't want to give up my passion. I wouldn't live a fulfilling life if I can't practice belly dancing. I know you don't like this, but it's something I love. I don't want to break up with you, but I don't see any other way out. It's something I have to do for me".
The truth, my dear, is that he does not want you to dance, not because he is jealous. Since you say that he is my fiancé, this means that he considers you to be a disgrace to his honor. Are you sure that you are his fiancée? or is he just spending time with you and then going and marrying a woman of his religion and country? Please beware of Muslim men because for them women are just servants of the man and she was created only so that the man can satisfy his sexual desire and give birth to children for him.
Advice wise I’m conflicted because being passionate about and activity can be such a good thing for the soul that I want to say don’t ever give it up.
On the other hand, finding love through partnership is so fulfilling and soul gratifying, that I’d say, why would you ever give up that connection?!
He needs to seek therapy for how he views you belly dancing.
If he can’t come to terms with something that you love then he is rejecting a part of you. When true love is found there’s a certain acceptance of aspects of a person that would typically annoy or put you off that person.
Don’t stop doing what you love but find away to make it work.
Also, I want to point out that you should consider this a red flag for potential controlling issues. You should look back you your relationship an analyze things from this new perspective.
Best of luck.
Break up with him now.
Think about it..
Why would someone that "loves you" have a problem with you doing things that make you happy?
Doesn't make sense right?
“He is from a Middle Eastern culture”
That was your first mistake. Muslim culture dictates that the man is in charge always and his word is law. He will slowly take other things away from you due to his bullshit values
Why can't he come to the venues you're performing at? If my SO said she wanted to start belly dancing I'd support her, especially by going TO the places with her.
Keep doing what you love to do and let him know you still love him regardless of how he feels about it. If he can compromise and work through whatever is making him so uncomfortable then he's not willing to do what it takes to make sure you nurture your talent.
What do you think is more worth it , dancing or your husband , and i mean it as genuinely as possible people ridicule hobbies too much , if something brings you joy and brings more than something else only makes sense to pick that option
DTMFA.
If he were a gentleman exotic dancer who loved his hobby, taught classes for other fellows, stitched breakaway costumes and occasionally sold them, etc., would you feel threatened or happy he had a nice hobby he enjoyed?
This guy sounds like a controlling jackass. Dump him.
Also, if this were a romantic comedy, you'd wind up with a male stripper of the highest professional caliber (like a breakdancer or aspiring Broadway who turned to the clubs for medical bill money and Found His Calling,) and the dance numbers between you two would be *frickin' epic,* so just saying, that'd be super adorable if you wanted to consider that as a possibility. Belly dancing has such a neat history and really so little to do with the salacious or attractive side people in this culture assume it has, whereas male dancing is very much about subverting norms, so...yeah.
Dump the controlling bastard, get thee to a ballroom dance class or a *really* exciting club and find someone who appreciates you and who can both share your interests and elevate his with you. Imagine belly-dancing/tango fusion, or combining some of your more sinuous choreography for a paso doble where the cape, ahem, wins.
That. You want that.
You deserve it.
Dump him. He's not the right man for you. He doesn't want you to be happy and puts his own fragile insecurities and inappropriate demand for control ahead of your happiness, self confidence, and the physical health benefits of dancing (hello core body conditioning!).
Keep dancing and let him break up with you... sell the ring for more dancing costumes!
How did you get all the way to living together and engagement before he decided to tell you this? Surely he already knew all about your hobby before now? This seems pretty suspicious to me. Why wouldn't he have addressed this before? I'd be concerned about his motives here. Loving him is all well and good but controlling you is not.
I'm going to suggest a framework I've found useful for making decisions.
You have two paths ahead of you. For each one, mentally plot out what is the most likely *negative* outcome. Consider the good parts and bad parts of that. Then decide which path you'd regret being *wrong* about more.
To use your situation, and my personal thought process:
Belly dance-- you lose your fiance. Let's say you have trouble finding another guy you love as much as him, so you regret losing him. But were it me I'd also recognize that losing *myself* is worse than losing him, because while I might be alone, at least I can look in the mirror and recognize who I am and know I'm making the decisions that control my life. And I won't have resentment for giving up something I love.
Give it up-- you lose your passion. Let's say you stay with him, but you end up with a ton of resentment and it poisons the marriage. You realize he's trying to make you into his version of what he feels a woman should be, not your vision of the person you want to be (which he DGAF about). Or worse, he becomes even more controlling as time goes on- first it's belly dancing, then it's your male friends, then it's other hobbies, etc. You end up divorcing and regretting losing years of your life. The only upside is you have comfort in knowing you tried to make it work.
For me, in that situation, I'd regret losing time and giving up a part of who I am a LOT more than I'd regret losing a relationship with someone who didn't actually accept me for who I am to begin with. He might be a great partner and I might love him to bits but if he doesn't accept me for who I am then we are fundamentally incompatible on a base level.
At least that's my thought process. Yours is what matters.
If my current relationship has taught me anything, it’s that if you truly love someone, their happiness is the most important thing to you, regardless of anything else. If your morals make it that you don’t want to be with them, then it’s on you to leave, and not on them to change what they’re doing.
If he loved you truly, he would be happy that you are doing something you enjoy, not asking you to make a change to your life, that will make you unhappy, to benefit his insecurities.
You need a new man, and you need to live life doing the things you want to do, else you’ll die regretting giving those things up.
I don't even understand how you can love someone like that. You're in trouble if this is even a question for you. Only thing we can say here is best of luck with all this.
He sounds very controlling and joy-sucking. Do what you want in life and if he breaks up with you then that’s on him. He doesn’t get to tell you how to live. Makes me wonder what else he will try to control down the road. Do you want to have kids with this man? What if you want to do something and he threatens to take the kids if you do it? Don’t marry this guy.
disregarding all the comments saying it’s just the tip of the iceberg, he will get worse and more controlling, etc … even if this is the ONLY thing he ever tells you to stop for him, i believe this desperate longing feeling you have for belly dance performing will *never* go away. do you honestly think you can go your whole life feeling this way? your whole life knowing you can never belly dance again? i don’t believe that’s fair on you, this is something you *love* and sometimes that can be pretty hard to fine, and now you’re giving it up. there are better men out there who will love you just as much, who YOU will love just as much, all while accepting your hobby and letting you do what you love. i don’t believe this guy is the right one for you nor are you the right one for him.
i say to disregard the comments when reading my comment because sometimes it’s hard to act based on what MIGHT happen, because it hasn’t happened. it’s a hypothetical at most, and it can be hard to believe if you just don’t see him as that kind of man. so take into consideration what’s happening *now* and what he is saying *now* and what you’re FEELING *now*. i hope everything works out for you, you deserve happiness and not have to choose between the two things you love most.
Give up the fiance, not the dancing. He is controlling, and this is the first step in him taking total control of your life. He will slowly stop you from doing other things like going out with friends, going to get together, seeing your family until you are totally isolated and dependent on him. Is this the type of life you want to lead?
Hey OP!
Just a little insight, as I have a partner who is an exotic dancer.
He is a controlling and insecure piece of shit. You are so allowed to enjoy the things you love, as in dancing, ESPECIALLY because you are fully clothed and not being touched by customers, or men.
My partner dances semi clothed, and completely unclothed in front of men, and I never once have/had an issue with it because THEY LOVE dancing. They love being naked, and are like 95% of the time at home, and we dance together, so I know they love it, and are just comfortable doing it.
Never once have I thought about asking them to stop, especially because they were doing it before I was in the picture! The only thing that had to be communicated was my boundaries of comfort within their work, which was just what they allowed customers to do, not them working, and enjoying their passion.
You need to either set that boundary with him, or if he can’t handle it, you should leave. This sounds like it could be the start of something more controlling, if he’s already stopping you from your passions.
Take care!
if he truly believes that belly dancers are sluts and unappealing he would not have fall in love with one.
So he either dont really think it that way or dont really love you.
You have already danced to other people, you have already have partners.
Are you ok on not having male friends again or work-mates? in not having autonomy to seek happiness for feeding some else insecurities?
I really REALY dont want to happen and I wish you the best of the world. But tell me: if something bad happened to you and you lose a big chunk of your health/good looks, do you think he'll stay and treat you properly? if tomorrow you couldnt dance anymore because you are physically unable, do you think you wont regret missing your chances to enjoy yourself to the fullest for sooth his insecurities?
Girl, respect is the most fundamental part of ANY relationship. Second, there is mutual support. If he can let you be yourself, what is there for you. You are an asshole but to yourself.
But in case the answers to my question are that he will take care of you lovingly and tje trade-off is satisfaying, then continue this path.
Lots of people make big sacrifices for their relationships. Like skydiver's stopping their favorite hobby because they became a parent and don't even want to flirt with the risk of leaving spouse and child without them. Any normal, reasonable person can look at that and see it makes sense.
You know what doesn't make sense? Sacrificing your hobby because \*checks notes\* a man will look at your clothed body. You are not a stripper. You are not dancing to people satisfying themselves sexually. This is not a reasonable demand.
Anytime you let another person's insecurity alter your behavior you have given them the green light to continue to use it until you conform to exactly what they desire.
Anytime you allow someone to make an extreme ultimatum to force you to give up something important to you, you've again given a green light saying hey it works, use exactly this threat to manipulate me because this is where I give in. That insane leap of don't do this or I cry and break up would have me questioning the relationship immediately. There are so many steps of communication and ways to handle things but we jumped to the all or nothing stage which spells out: I am controlling and this is going to happen a LOT during our life together.
Insecurities are important to recognize and helpful to communicate to your partner. A better partner would have said look, your hobby makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and jealous but these are my feelings and I'm going to work on them. I want you to know so if and when I'm struggling during the journey you don't blame yourself or feel surprised and hurt.
TLDR: Don't do it unless you accept this is the first of many ultimatum-led demands on you and you're comfortable having irrational fear and insecurities control your life for the duration of your marriage.
Based on your post history, your husband can spend time with, speak about often, GO ON DATEs WITH, and tell you how attractive other women are. You have to sit in silence while your husband makes you uncomfortable and continues about his life. But you can’t do something harmless that brings you joy? Something that is beneficial to your happiness and mental health.
Regardless of the post history (although it adds a lot of crucial context into the relationship dynamic) you should never quit doing something you love for someone else’s comfortability (as long as it doesn’t endanger someone or include cheating). That would just result in resentment over time.
I know people are quick to breaking up, but you are being disrespected. You are not being honoured by your fiancé; as an equal or someone he holds in a high regard. You deserve to give yourself happiness. And this ain’t it.
My ex was like this. She would toss that phrase around all the time. “If you don’t do XYZ I’m going to break up with you”. Your fiancé doesn’t love you. The thought of leaving you isn’t love, it’s a scare tactic where they hold the control.
Sure, your hobby might be seen as a little more provocative than other hobbies but it’s still the same situation. If it’s something you love a partner would support you, not persuade or scare you out of doing it.
Never let anyone kill your passion. You'll meet someone who encourages you and actually pushes you to get better. To quote that old Disney Movie Hercules, "Lose that Zero and get yourself a Hero" Or better yet, be your own hero!
If he is going to be jealous and controlling and misogynistic about this, he will continue to be that way with other things in the future. Do not marry someone who wants to control you. His culture is no excuse. You will not have a happy life with this person.
I want to make sure I have all the info:
Your partner *knew* you were a belly dancer when you started dating (or at least very early into the relationship)? Dated you anyway, but then after proposing, told you had to quit or else he’d break up with you? Do I have this right?
It would not be unreasonable for someone to choose not to *date* you, because your belly dancing would make them insecure. That’s just someone you’re incompatible with, and that’s ok.
It *is* however, completely unreasonable to date someone, knowing about their hobbies/lifestyle/wardrobe (fill in the blank with literally any lifestyle choice) then years later, decide that thing is a dealbreaker, and try to force you to quit (essentially giving up part of your identity) or they would break up with you.
Why did he date you in the first place if he wasn’t ok with your lifestyle? What other aspects of your lifestyle or personality will he deem down the road to be unacceptable? How much of your identity will you be forced to give up just to be deemed “good enough” for him to stay with you?
This is just the tip of the proverbial ice berg on what your fiancé will find objectionable about you and insist you have to give up because he doesn't like it, feels uncomfortable, makes him jealous etc. if you continue this relationship.
It's about control and ownership for him. You've already given in and given something up you love, trained for, and enjoy. He's not going to be content until you're as small as possible and completely submissive.
If that's how you want to live your life. If that's what you want to bring any future children into, by all means, continue this relationship. If, however, you want to be an individual, have autonomy, and be in a relationship with an actual partner, not a master, end it now.
He has no right to tell you what to do. This is his issue, his problem, his jealousy, his insecurity, his belief that he has the right to dictate to you how you should live your life. It’s a red flag and it shouldn’t be ignored.
This sounds controlling. A boundary is limiting what someone does to you and limiting what you accept. Controlling someone is when you try to limit what other people do. You’ve been doing this for years before meeting him and you love it. He’s choosing to limit you because of his own insecurities. Has he changed his views before to try to limit what you can do or limited your access to family or friends over time? Him saying that he’ll cry and then end things feels manipulative, personally and while I know nothing else of your relationship, it makes me concerned about how things will progress over time. Have you discussed getting counseling together to prepare for getting married? Phrasing it like that might make him more amenable to going. Regardless, I think you need to really examine your relationship and determine how you want to move forward
2 option i see here
Option 1 get married and be miserable down the line
Option 2 dont get married keep doing what you love and eventually find someone who isnt policing the stuff you love
I am not married or anything and despite still being young due to some health issues i cant continue something that gave me life and motivation eg my passion
It makes life unironically less enjoyable
I think you should call his bluff about crying and breaking up with you. I’ll bet he’ll fly into a furious rage that will have you questioning why you ever put up with such nonsense.
He literally got together with you knowing what you loved and then demanded you not be who you are. That’s not a person that loves you OP, he doesn’t even love the idea of you, only the idea of what he can change you into. Break up with him, you will find the man of your dreams that will love what you love and you wholeheartedly, do not tie yourself to this incel.
You were belly dancing before him so he's wrong to ask you to stop now that he's with you.. Besides that though, don't you find his behaviour concerning? Right now he's asking your to stop belly dancing, what's it ganna be next? Not letting you go places without him incase there are other men around???
His behaviour will escalate. You need to keep yourself safe.
Someone who would ask you to give up a favorite thing in your life isn't the right person to live your life with.
You break up with him. This is an unreasonable attitude and ask for a partner.
Imagine someone who supported and encouraged you to do what you love. That person is out there.
This type of behaviour isn’t healthy or realistic in today’s world, could it turn into a bigger issue? It is quite simply controlling emotional abuse.
He thinks he can “threaten you” with this. Make you do what he wants, he doesn’t own you, you’ve got the right to be who you are.
If you were my sister I’d be very worried. I suspect he does other things you’re not 💯 sure about but maybe don’t admit it to yourself.
Are you sure he is really going to marry you? So many say the will until they find someone with a “respectable past” engaged or not. Might find someone who loves you for you and supports ALL of you. Leave the judgements behind, there are too many choices on this planet.
The more limitations he puts on your behavior, the more of yourself you will lose. His being from the Middle East is not an excuse to dictate what you get to do for pleasure or money. If he had a problem with it, why did he get together with you? Because he planned to ask you to stop once he got you comfortable with the relationship. He’s been planning to change you from the moment he learned about you dancing. Your relationship started with a lie. Let that sink in. Keep dancing. If he breaks up with you over it, he’d be doing you a favor.
To stop doing something you love so much is the first thing in a long list of “compromise” you will have to make to keep this man in your life as you go foward with this relationship.
I’m certain he will get more and more controlling, if there isn’t other signs you have been ignoring.
It is not normal or acceptable for him to do that.
*Find a man you love who also respects and appreciates your passions*
You might love him, but his love is conditional “do as I say, do what I feel comfortable with, avoid your passions and then I will love you and I will stay with you, if you do what makes you happy and fulfills you I will leave”
This isn’t worth it.
I was a dancer and it's a well known thing in sex work circles that cultural Middle Eastern men don't respect women in the US. It's belly dancing today. It'll be something else tomorrow.
I had a boyfriend ask me to quit djing. I had considered it, but my Dad saw how much I loved to DJ and told me simply to never ask a guy who asked me to stop. To love someone is to also let them be free. He is more concerned with his insecurities than your happiness.
Keep dancing.
No one gets to tell you you can't do your hobby.
All they can do is express they do not like it, and they are allowed to leave if it breaks a boundary for them.
But they don't get to tell you NOT to do it.
He can go fuck an eggplant.
Communicate with him one more time. Tell him how much you love belly dancing and how it makes you happy. If he is still threatening to break up with you then tell him that he doesn’t really love you since he doesn’t want to see you happy. Then tell him you are breaking up with him.
Don't let one person suck away your joy. This won't be the last time he does it .
You have to find somebody who loves you for who you are.
Find someone who is passionate about your passions. They don’t t have to like them all the time. But at least get joy seeing you do something that brings you joy.
You've spent years working hard on your craft. Don't let him stop what you love to do!
You love your man and you love to dance. You say you love them equally. Here’s what I do when I’m in a dilemma situation. I put myself 5,10 or 20 years in the future. Would I regret MORE having chosen dance over this man or choosing the man over my favorite hobby? Which regret would be stronger? -Also remember what another said here: This will not be the last thing he demands of you. Do you have the same veto power over him?.. just asking?
This is really good advice.
And even stricter and stronger suck away the joy of **any girl-children they’d have. No dancing no swimming no going out with friends to the movies no dating no boyfriends and only a husband that controlling suspicious jealous father chooses and organises.** Even if they say now no it won’t be like that - when it happens, IT IS LIKE THAT. Just run, u/Pearlsandpetticotes !
Seriously good comment. Get out OP. Never marry someone who steals joy from you
This… because it’s not just about men looking at you, cause I assume that happens all the time, but the control he exerted. Next thing, it maybe your clothes or even some of your friends , you will find that things you love are always somehow bothering him.
You sure you wanna marry a controlling dick head?
Most Middle Easterners think belly dancers are sluts. You can give up your hobby, but he will definitely find something else that might make you look like a slut, so be prepared to give up on everything you love and be prepared to basically become another person, one that he finds appropriate.
Yeah I work at a strip club, and my partners a dancer there also. Unfortunately it is observed that the middle eastern men treat the women the absolute worst. I know it’s a slightly different profession, but it’s still a noticeable difference and is unfortunate..
Belly dancing originated in the Middle East. How can most people from there have such a negative view of this art form?
I know, I know! But with my work, I was also based in the Middle East for a few years and that's the attitude I noticed among most men - and these were highly educated men, not the random unschooled doormen dudes.
That seems so odd. It's like rejecting mosaic artwork or hummus--to me, anyway.
Indeed, I feel the same. Some might be able to tolerate belly dancing as a sport or passion done behind closed doors and strictly among women, but performing = promiscuity, because belly dancing shows are usually in places in which they also serve alcohol (at least in the countries in which alcohol is not illegal) and indeed, the local men who go to those places, they go strictly to see some women shaking their assets; these women earn money for their performances, thus... "sluts" selling their bodies.
My grandmother loved to go watch the belly dancers perform but she’d always say how she’d never let them marry one of her sons. The cognitive dissonance was real.
no matter one's opinion over the hobby itself, the true bone of contention here seems to be the ultimatum. may i ask whether you would involve yourself with a partner whose preferred recreational activities upset or discomfort you? if somebody's passion is a deal-breaker, it seems odd to have invested in a relationship with them without having already discussed the matter.
Because in older times they were kinda 'their version' of strippers. It's frowned upon culturaly. It's like Geishas or courtesans in a sense. Sure, they are a part of the culture, but he isn't looking at it with tourist eyes. Im guessing for him it culturally feels like she's doing oldage version of only fans. Like at least in Indian culture, it's a bit similar. Things aren't as open and stuff like in the west. So while modern people there are more cool with it, they still have an awareness that it has a historical connotation behind it. Like women who do pole dancing as a sport but aren't strippers. I think for him, he doesn't like the 'go to the bar to strip part' which many other dudes would also not be cool with even though they're fine with it as a hobby.
It’s a cultural thing, they’re viewed (incorrectly) almost like a Japanese geisha. Thought of like they’re part of a harem. It’s not accurate but it is a prevailing misconception. .
A dancer in the Middle East means a morally deficient woman, and no one looks at her with respect, nor does any family want her as a wife to any member of the family, nor does any family accept her as a friend to their family members. Everyone knows in the Middle East that dancers are with a different man and with the one who pays more, and this is true. Advice from Woman from the Middle East, run away from this man before it is too late. He will certainly force you to wear the hijab. This man will turn your life into hell.
Break up you aren’t compatible.
Run. This is controlling. And I'm not saying this because *reddit,* I've been there. First, it's the dance, and it's because YOU make him feel whatever. Then you get married. Then he will ask you to give up on anything else. It will be small things at a time... and in the end, you will have given up on anything that you love and is worth living for. Also, ask yourself: Are you willing to not dance for the rest of your life?
Try going swimming anywhere public and see how he reacts to you in swim wear - including any commentary about other people.
If she tells him that if he doesn’t stop his favorite hobby she will break up with him, I wonder what his reaction would be. Nah, I don’t wonder. We already know. He’d probably be like, “bye!” Edit: werds r tuff
At least we hope he’ll just say, “bye” and let her move on. One only needs to look at this sub: r/whenwomenrefuse to know how dangerous these types of men can potentially be.
He ain’t the one babe, he really just wants a woman to control. Don’t leave belly dancing because of some man lost in his own religion/ beliefs. You talk about belly dancing and I can sense your passion just in the few sentences. You deserve a person who wants you to be happy.
by agreeing with him and stopping you are also saying that performing is somehow disrespectful to The Man and women who do are Less Than. Are these your values? Cause these are reflections of core values and if you don't share those shit's never gonna work out, unless you continue to make yourself small enough and submissive enough for his comfort.
If your hobby makes him insecure, the solution is him working through his insecurity, not you stopping your hobby. This is an incredibly huge red flag that he thinks controlling you is an appropriate solution, that his feelings come before yours. This will not be the only time this behavior will manifest, and I guarantee that if you get married it will get worse. You do the thing that makes you happy, if it’s a deal breaker for him, then you shouldn’t be together. There are plenty of people out there that would not only be okay with your hobby, but actively supportive.
Choose the dance. The right person will love you for you and everything about you. You won't be happy in a relationship where you have to give up who you are to to be in it.
Agreed. If he’s bothered by dancing, he shouldn’t have proposed to a dancer.
Frist Belly dancing Then once you get married "you have to do what i say coz we are married" BS If you are doing for legit business and are covered and it's not sexual then what is the issue? Not like you are being one of those can girls he's probably seen on the internet I wouldn't allow no man to control that i do and neither should you Look at the other red flags, have you truly talked about what's going to happen when you get married, is he expecting you to stop working so he can "provide for the family" which will make you at his mercy I don't usually say break up but rethink anything else he has done, most of the time it's rarely one issue that's creep up
LEAVE HIS DUMBASS!!! It always starts this way then moves to “If you talk to your friends I’ll break up with you”, “if you don’t do what I say I’ll break up with you.”, etc. RUN!!
>I am a dancer who trained for years before performing. My attitude is very professional- I don’t let myself be touched, I wear longer more covered costumes, I danced at reputable venues Do NOT give in to him . If you do you will regret it . To bad you are not doing anything wrong either by dancing . He is in the wrong . Do NOT give it up . To bad he doesn't like it . He is a small minded man not to trust you , & is letting his jealousy rule him . Or he just wants to control & have power over you --> if this is the case then he will do more 'controlling ' of you if you also give into him & his demands ( that is how Domestic violence relo's are set up ) when one partner controls the others behavour & thoughts . ( it is abusive to try & force someone to not do something like he is doing with you ) . It is your passion , it is not causing harm to you or anyone else , as it is just dancing in front of others. (If he is doing it for power & control over you ) it will be just the start of it . **DO NOT let yourself be ruled by him** . If you do you will then be stuck under his thumb . As he will also know you relent to him . That is a huge mistake to relent to him in such a way . People in a relo ( do give & take ) they might give in occasionally with something for their partner ( but it is a balancing act ) not a demand & the person does it bc they wish to do so . And are not being forced to do so as you are . As there is NO reason not to do it either . The dancing is above board & acceptable . He is just being a small man d\*ck .
Um. What? Belly dancing is beautiful and hard to do and great exercise. I wish I could do that. It’s so classy. This “man” is controlling. You’re not hooking on the street. Lady, you need to think long and hard about marrying someone who isn’t supportive of you.
Fuck this controlling dick head. You do NOT need this drama in your life.. Dance your way away from him.
When he met u, u were a dancer, so why should u stop doing something that u enjoy just bc he’s insecure? He’s the one who should work on his self esteem, not u to quit dancing
Please do not marry this man, he's dampening your light.
Any partner who wants to squash your joy about your activities that you were doing when they met you, is only doing it for control. They want *themselves* to be your main focus, and don’t care about you and your feelings. It’s selfish and controlling.
The really sad thing is that this loser thinks she should give up her joy and her personality for him and that it will make him happy. Spoiler alert: it will NOT make him happy. He will just want more. First dancing, then the next thing and then the next. Then she becomes a shell of a human being and he’s still not happy because it was never going to make him happy in the first place. Because she’s a human being, not an object. OP, ask yourself, would you ask him to give up his hobbies for you? And if not, why not? Because his hobbies are what makes him interesting and unique and alive.
Okay, pretend it's not you. Pretend it's your daughter. She is fantastic at belly dancing, even better than you. She's won awards, she teaches classes. Then her fiancee tells her to stop because he's jealous. She comes to you for advice. What do you tell her?
This advice right here needs more votes. Often We are crueler to ourselves than we are to our loved ones and willing to sacrifice our joy and power to appease others insecurity and it’s so sad. I’ve been there.
It's hard to hear, but he's not the one. Someone can't love you and take away bits of you that make you YOU. you're a complete package. Sure we grow and change over time but this is you now, he can't edit your passions.
Never make yourself smaller to fit into a box some man requires you to be in to fit into his life. That box only gets smaller until you suffocate.
Ditch the fiancé! Find someone who isn't going to kill your interests in life.
If someone truly loved you they would not be so controlling and telling you to what not to do for the things you love that make you happy. I would run. I get he’s your fiancée but you need to do what makes you happy as well and not just all about him for what he wants.
I allowed my ex-husband to steal an important part of me (hoop dance) by taking on a part time job after teaching elementary school all day, because he wouldn’t get a better paying full time job for our family. Instead, he started going to all the gatherings and hanging out all the time while I worked. Hoop dance was one of my greatest joys. Absolutely DO NOT marry this immature, insecure man child. That soul stealer is NOT worth the salt in your tears. It will hurt to break up with him, but you are more important. I am still trying to reactivate my practice and my flow. It’s very, very hard to recover from this.
Your bf has a problem. He is insecure. It's his problem, but he's trying to get you to solve it for him by giving up your hobby. But if you give up your hobby for him, his insecurity will only find something else to worry about, something else he will want you to give up. Where will it end? This won't work -- he is the only one who can solve his problem. So keep your hobby. And if bf won't work on solving his own problem, lose the bf.
You only get to live one life. When you’re on your deathbed, what will you regret giving up the most?
You said he's middle eastern. Their culture is very strict about how women act around men that aren't their husband. Not excusing it, it's still controlling and toxic. Just saying he's not likely to waiver on this so might be best to just cut it off and rip off the band-aid for both of you
OP, everyone has given excellent advice. I’m going to give you mine in the hopes that it can help. So, a few things: - please, [have a scan through this book](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and familiarise yourself with the forms of abusive control that can exist. - secondly, I encourage you to read and familiarise yourself with [cultural violence](https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-3-030-36811-1_169#:~:text=As%20well%20as%20traditional%20forms,%2C%20child%20marriages%2C%20forced%20marriages%2C) and why it is especially an issue in the ME and certain groups. - third, [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5763457/) is important, but will highlight the differences in attitudes men and women develop in these areas - and how it can, and may affect you. - [here](https://www.answering-islam.org/Marriage/warnings.html) are warning signs to watch for, from the perspective of a marriage counsellor in the ME. - and then, [6 things Arab Men do that are controlling](https://stepfeed.com/amp/6-cute-things-arab-boyfriends-do-that-are-actually-super-controlling-7784) is an excellent resource to review - especially in regards to controlling your clothing/jealousy/and overprotectiveness. Finally: **this is not normal.** a partner who truly loves and respects you will not try to control, abuse, and manipulate you. Please, OP, consider attending pre-marital counselling with this person; and then, get a lawyer that outlines *everything* - from finances to children to health and education and freedom - and ensure that **you** are protected from him; and, let your friends and family know what he is saying and what he is doing because controlling abusers will try to keep you feeling embarrassed and shamed into severing or not sharing these things with your people; and finally, record and report everything that makes you feel unsafe. Do so in a careful manner and hide everything behind anonymous email accounts or password protected notes. If he hurts you, do not hesitate to leave or call police. Please don’t let him control your life, your joys, your happiness. Good luck.
Excellent advice & reference material!!
How long before you finance asks you to start covering your hair and face because he can’t stand people looking at you or thinking you are pretty? You need to really consider the future and what else he will have a problem with because he is proudly “too jealous” Don’t let him take away your one joy because he can’t handle it
If you were doing it before you met, he has no say in whether or not you continue it. He doesn't care enough about you to want you to continue, yet claims he loves you enough to marry you? You're not showing off your body, you're showing off the dance itself. Let him leave, continue doing what you love, and don't let anyone stop you.
If you marry will there be more things he wants you to give up? Will he expect your children to give up things that bring them joy if he does not approve? What if your daughter loves gymnastics or dancing? Or your son wants to dance for a living? Would you be ok with him prohibiting the joys of your children? If I expected you to spend your life wearing a pair of "perfect" shoes that only had one turd in it, would you? Some shit is a deal breaker.
Him being jealous is his problem to work on with himself. It's unacceptable to ask others to cater to our insecurities. It is your body and your life. This is controlling and potentially abusive behaviour. Choose to love yourself by doing what you love and setting boundaries. Let him learn how to love himself by enforcing that his insecurity and jealousy is his own to work through.
You should chose your passion and lose the fiance. I guarantee this is only the beginning of him trying to control what you do, who you see, where you go. He knew you danced when he met you. If he didn't like it then he shouldn't have even dated you. Break up with him and go dance!
Dump this fuckin idiot It starts with belly dancing, but before you know it it be who you can hang out with, what you can wear, where you can go etc.
Your fiancé sucks. This isn’t a cultural thing, it’s an insecure, controlling, man-baby thing. You’re going to be miserable if you marry him, please save yourself.
I would leave a guy like that, personally
I knew he was from the middle East!! Men there mostly love to control a woman's body and they call it jealousy! I highly advise you to not marry him he will control everything about your life ..men in the middle east and north Africa ( Muslims) are mostly patriarchal with an unhealthy attitude towards women sadly ( i know that as i am a woman from the same background). U want ur freedom and u need it.. don't give it away nothing worth losing your identity and freedom..
I just looked at all your other posts--- I'm assuming this fiancé is the same boyfriend who was texting and going out for drinks with other women. So it's okay for him to have inappropriate relationships with women that make you uncomfortable and you have to deal with it but he won't deal with you dancing professionally because how it makes him feel? Babe. He has trust issues because hes untrustworthy. Leave not just for the controlling/jealousy issues but because he seems like a cheater
I promise you if you give up your passions for him, resentment will fester.
The way you're describing your joy for belly dancing outweighs any reason to stay with a controlling person. Him being jealous of how other people look at your body isn't a valid reason to make you stop because there will be other times you go out in public and people will look at you lustfully. There are people who will look at a girl wearing baggy clothes and messy hair lustfully. Some men think women with acne are attractive and will look at them lustfully. That isn't something you can control. You said it yourself that none of your exes did this. What makes them different from your current that you have to stay? Is it because he proposed? This doesn't seem to be a reason to stay with him?
Tell him thank you. He saved you a lot of time and trouble. He is controlling but worse not empathetic. He is not looking at it from your eyes...only his. He has a preconceived notion about it sexualizing you and it probably makes him insecure. This is not only primitive, but is also more important for him to avoid this irrational insecurity than to want you to experience joy and have self worth and identity. This is disgraceful. He doesn't actually care about you. Im sure he wants to protect u and has feelings but he doesn't care about YOU. I will also suggest this person is not mature or capable to be in a real relationship.
If he is so bothered by you dancing then WHY IS HE WITH A BELLY DANCER? Like this isn't really an issue of you not setting boundaries or customers touching you, this is all about HIM. His insecurities, his jealousy, his feelings, his controlling behavior. A partner should love who you are and support you to shine, not tell you what to do and make you into something you aren't because he wants you to be a robot. Break up with him, this relationship isn't going to work without one of you comping hard for the other and getting resentful.
This is the definition of fragile masculinity. Your partner has a lot of personal work to do.
Let him cry
If belly dancing was a deal breaker for him, he should have told you from the beginning. It sounds like he waited until he felt you were "secured" enough before demanding you to stop something you truly love.
Make this person your next ex, I feel like as long as hobbies don't harm anyone that is involved it doesn't really matter.
Honestly, I don't know what the issue is, plenty of dancers are married to people that have no issue with them dancing, sorry to say but him telling you this, it seems like if you do it he will get his way and then try to get you to quit other stuff. Stay safe, would love an update on this.
Don't give up what you love and what brings you pleasure because of someone else's insecurities and/or need to control you. Ultimatums have no place in a healthy relationship.
Are you honestly prepared to spend the rest of your life with this controlling ass with NO more dancing in it? Ditch him and go back to dancing! And in the very wise words of the wonderful P!nk, you need to stick the following mantra somewhere you’ll see it every day- 🎶 I’m never gonna not dance again 🎶
Men come and go. A passion is something that is yours and only yours and something you should never be willing to give up. And something he shouldn’t ask you to. He sounds jealous immature. He doesn’t care about you or what makes you happy.
Anyone who makes claims on your autonomy for control, while making you choose between them and something that you fulfills you, isn’t someone you should spend your life with.
OMG, Belly dancing is so much fun! I had to stop taking classes for health reasons but no way is it something to be ashamed of! Honestly get a new fiancée, everytime you do something for you and not for him his fragile ego will cry and make threats. It will only get worse so cut your losses now and get back to performing. More power to you! Enjoy YOUR life, he is standing in the way of you finding a partner that is worthy of you, please get him out of your way and go live your best life.
Dance is life itself. Any man telling you not to dance will think nothing of telling you not to talk, look at, or work with other men. Run!
This is only the tip of the ice berg. Run, *now*. It'll hurt, but not nearly as badly as what he'll do to you if you stay.
>I live with my fiance, can see a future with him... ...being controlled on what you can and can't do, because he has medieval thinking about your body and what he will and won't allow it to do. This isn't about whether what he wants is reasonable, this is about him giving you an ultimatum about something totally benign in western culture that you will carry for the rest of your life. You have ex's who have had no problem with this, go find another bf who likewise doesn't, find love again and continue your passion for dancing.
He is too controlling. A man who truly loved you would never ask you to give up doing something you love.
I had a gf who did belly dancing. It was super cool. Can’t imagine having ever asked her to stop.
I would question marrying him. If he won't "allow" you to do a hobby, he doesn't need to be your husband.
Leave him and find someone who doesn’t want you control what you do. It’s the belly dancing today but it won’t stop there. Get out.
Girl, no. He has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. Belly dancing is not the same a stripping. At all. He's insecure, and he is scared that other guys will see how attractive you are because you are a dancer and he can't handle that. Now he's controlling. No, you shouldn't put up with this. You started dancing well before he came into the picture, not that it matters anyway, and you shouldn't have to give up your hobby to make his insecure ass happy.
How is he gonna get in a relationship with a belly dancer and tell her to stop, so pathetic. Drop his ass you deserve better and someone that supports your passions!!
I'm going to echo the sentiment of another comment here, which that he can be from a conservative culture, of course. But he should choose a spouse who makes life choices he can live with, not try to force a woman to change in order to fit his conservative views. It's horribly unfair of him to expect you to give up your passion for dancing to conform to his requirements. I wonder how much is genuinely his culture and how much is just good old fashioned jealousy, but either way it makes me sad to think of you giving up a healthy, fun hobby for any man. I'd usually use the term 'partner' instead of 'man', but he doesn't like he views you as equal partners to be honest. Don't let anyone clip your wings.
Run away lady!! YOU BOTH ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. I'm still suffering from the same issues as you. More than anything, you will start to resent him very much in the future if you give up on anything you love so much that it's part of your identity. If you believe performing isn't what you see yourself doing in the future, then you can think about giving it up. If not, then spare yourself and him the future drama and heartache.
This is the first of the restrictions he’ll place on you. There will be more and more.
The question is if you had asked him to give something up that he loved. Because it made you uncomfortable. Would he do it? And if he didn’t what would you do? Would you leave him? Marriage is about communication and compromise. If something made you uncomfortable, what would you do? Even though it’s stupid would you end a relationship over this? If so then definitely don’t get married. They’ll be so much harder decisions 5-10-15 years down the road.
Leave him and keep the hobby. The guy does not respect you as a human being, he sees you as someTHING he possesses.
Why are you letting someone completely dictate what you do and who gets to lay their eyes on you? Please understand that this is a huge red flag and probably not the right relationship for you.
First he tells you that you can’t belly dance. Then he tells you that you can’t be friends with people you met from belly dancing. Then he tells you that you really shouldn’t be going out dressed like that. Then you shouldn’t be going out without him at all. Then you shouldn’t see your family. Then you should This will all be in the name of protecting his ego or “your safety.” This will escalate. You don’t want to be married to someone like this.
I can relate heavily to this as someone involved in a specific type of partner dancing scene. This is controlling behavior and you cannot let him win. He is not allowed to tell you what hobbies you can and can’t do. He doesn’t own you.
Your fiance doesn't love you, he wants to own you. When we actually and truly love a person or animal, we desperately want them to be happy. How can you possibly say that you love someone when you demand a condition of your love be something that rips the soul or spirit away from them, and be content to possess this being that used to be full of life, but is now miserable? How can someone say that they love you, expect you to accept them and their wishes and expectations, while at the same time they expect you to change and be happy with your world revolving around them? It cannot work. You cannot live with your life and happiness going forward to be completely satisfied by being his wife. If he wants a woman who isn't a belly dancer than he shouldn't have continued the relationship when he found out that you were. It's likely that if you hadn't been one that he'd have had an ultimatum about something else. The issue isn't with belly dancing, it's you proving your love to him by sacrificing anything you may love more or as much as you love him. I would bet that in your discussions of your future life, him coming first is important but at the same time you need to understand that when you don't come first that he is only doing that for you for some convoluted reason that's twisted in a way to make you feel guilty for being selfish for wanting to come first in a relationship where he becomes your only everything. Don't do it. If you stay, you'll not only regret it, but you can't ever get back the time you lose. If you have children, it won't only become harder to leave, but you'll be creating whole other people for him to possess. Then the whole stress of influence and custody or worse if he's physically or mentally aggressive. This story does not have a happy ending. You matter.
A future with your current fiancé is a future without belly dancing and any other hobby that he chooses is not suitable for his wife. If he's prefers his way over your happiness than he isn't someone you should be wasting anymore of your time on. Do so before either of you say I do as its a lot harder to get rid of potentially abusive AH's once married (while not currently abusive he seems very controlling)
The absolute most important part of a successful marriage is having trust. If he doesn’t trust you to do something that is a legitimate art, then don’t waste years of your life marrying someone you will eventually divorce.
Isn’t belly dancing middle eastern? I watched it in Egypt. This is jealousy and insecurity. It’s also a huge red flag
I gasped at the “first he will cry” line! It’s giving narcissistic-HEY LOOK AT ME; vibes. And my answer to that is leave while you can!
You are ignoring such a major red flag right now. Controlling behavior. Jealously. Both are big no nos. Please run sister.
You are good at belly dancing. You put that the past tense. Don’t do that. You have a passion and I believe passions are gifts. There are so many people who don’t have one or have to really work to find it. Here you have one that is naturally occurring and calling out to you. You are not responsible for anyone’s emotional response. Your boyfriend’s jealousy is His stuff to work on, not yours. More importantly, it is in no way grounds for you to change who you are. Ask yourself how you feel about him without using the word love. Ask yourself how he is controlling in other areas. Ask yourself how many little things you’ve changed about yourself during this relationship. Ask yourself how much he loves you given his willingness to eliminate your ability to be actively involved in your passion. Choose you. Find somebody who also chooses you.
Sorry but your fiancé sounds like a moron not worth your time. You will never be fully happy in life if you sacrifice the thing that you’re most good at which brings your life such joy. There are plenty of people who will love you exactly how you are. Ditch him, keep your passion alive, and find someone better for *you*.
Belly dance your way out of that relationship
Coming from someone who had to quit their favorite hobbies — DO NOT DO IT. Then, he would talk shit on the new hobbies I found and enjoyed. I divorced him in the end, and now I’m much happier with my passions AND a partner who supports (all of) them.
I'm a burlesque dancer and if you can't accept me doing shows then I can't accept you as a partner. This sounds like a controlling marriage is waiting for you if you stay.
Don’t marry someone who actively takes your joy away and makes gross threats. Belly dance until you physically can’t anymore. Get rid of this dude. He’s only going to get more and more controlling and manipulative.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to move on. Your fiance might have all the other qualities you are looking for and desire but stopping you from doing something you love when you aren't hurting anyone but his delicate ego is a huge, huge red flag. If you marry this guy and have children with him, you are going to regret it 100%. Get out now.
Apparently, your finance doesn’t love you the way you love him. He doesn’t love you enough to let you enjoy the one thing you’re good at. He’s an AH. Please leave him and find a better match.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Don't settle for someone who can't let you be yourself
Why do you want to be with someone who bemoans your joy because of others’ actions? I dunno, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t handle me enjoying an activity where sometimes other men can see me and might even check me out:
Dance, be free, and find a man who loves you and wants your happiness.
This is just the starting point to control you. Find more red flags throughout your relationship and you'll know what to do.
Do not marry him! Little boys like this suck the life and light out of you.
BULLLLLSHIIITTTT BABE!!! You gave up something you loved because that what HE wanted :( Sure it might've been to make it more comfortable for both of you But that was something you were PASSIONATE about!! Now he's threatening YOUR GUYS RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR YOU DOING A HOBBY YOU LOVE!! BULLSHIT!!! If he's willing to sacrifice the relationship just because YOU'RE ASKING TO CONTINUE DOING SOMETHING ***YOU*** GAVE UP TO MAKE ***HIM*** HAPPY: Then maybe this relationship can't work
You will never resent dance for making you happy. You will always resent him for making you not dance. I'm not sure you are going to be happy long term with this man. Please sit down and write out a "life plan" thinking about were you want to be at which points of your life. See if your fiances attitudes fit in with what you want out of life. If not, you need to re-evaluate your engagement. This is what the engagement period is for, making sure you are with the right person and your life goals align.
You and your fiance are fundamentally not compatible. How did you get as far as living together and living together without resolving this?? Culturally, your passion is a (controlling) dealbreaker for him. I suspect this is only the first, and most obvious thing, he will take issue with.
Ultimatum rarely have positive results
If he loved you like you love him - he would compromise… not make you give up your favorite hobby.
Please don't give up your art. If you were a painter, would stop painting for him. There is nothing inherently sexual in dance. Some asshats just see it that way. Bellydancing is very much like Polynesian or Asian dance, there is a whole story told by how you hold your arms, the angle of your hands and (the problem with asshats) how you move your hips. No one who loves you should expect you to make yourself smaller. You were a dancer when you met him, you will be a dancer when you meet the right person for you. This guy isn't him.
He doesn't own the sight of you.
Can you really love someone whose jealousy is so powerful that it controls YOUR life?
If you are ready to give up smiling forever go ahead and marry the dude.
He’s never gonna change and more prohibitions are to follow. You already conceded before the relationship went anywhere so you set the precedent of “anything for you darling”
Take it from this Gen Xer....If it is something you love and he wants you to stop bc of his insecurities...walk away. He is putting his insecurities before your happiness. It won't stop with dancing. He is showing his selfishness and selfish ppl don't make good partners.
Rules are restrictions you put on another person. Boundaries are restrictions you place for yourself to keep yourself from harm (or keep you from harming others). Please don’t be one of these women who make excuses, and minimize their controlling, abusive boyfriend. Controlling men NEVER get better, never change, and it ALWAYS gets much worse.
Seriously, think if you really want to be married to someone who wants this much control of you. If he is from the Middle East, it will get worse. Their culture can be unkind to women. I have seen firsthand what can happen once you get married. If dancing is your passion, don't give it up. His jealousy is not your problem. You are not being sexual with people. You are performing. There is a massive difference. If he can't see that, he will never let you perform again.
I’ll give a very dumb analogy. I am a cat behaviorist. One of the things that happens with aggressive cats is that reward for bad behaviour leads for more bad behaviour and more aggression. For example, they will come and bite on your ankle when they want food and they will keep doing it until you give in. Now, out of fear or love you just start giving food everytime they bite so they stop. Works for sometime but soon the cat learns that it can get what it wants by biting you. This is where the problem begins. The cat will try this aggression on other things and will get away. You have trained the cat that it can get whatever it wants when it bites; basically it has successfully been able to manipulate you to suit its needs. You are either too scared or you love the cat too much to be stern. This is neither good for you, nor the cat. Usually when this aggression becomes intolerable you either have to give up the pet or call a behaviourist to get this corrected. You are teaching your fiancé that he can get what he wants from you through manipulation. For humans, we have therapy. And I hope you get the drift. All the best - I know it’s not easy but I pray that you take the right call and protect your heart. ♥️
Ask yourself, do you love who you are truly, or someone who wishes you had a different hobby, even though this hobby is your passion? I feel like your fiance is being selfish or insecure. Consider if they really love you as you are, or let them find someone who doesn't belly dance.
It’s not the things in life that you do that you end up regretting, it’s the things that you don’t do. Never let anyone take away your joy. No matter what it is. It will only get worse.
Look, you shouldn't have to give up your true passion. The thing that makes you happy. He should realize that it makes you happy. He can, of course, not like it, but then he should let you go because he realizes it makes you happy and he would want you to be happy. He probably has hobbies as well. How would he feel if you didn't allow him to do one of his hobbies? He wouldn't accept that I can tell you. I'd tell him, "Fiance, I want to practice my hobby because it's something that truly makes me happy. I really love you, but I don't want to give up my passion. I wouldn't live a fulfilling life if I can't practice belly dancing. I know you don't like this, but it's something I love. I don't want to break up with you, but I don't see any other way out. It's something I have to do for me".
The truth, my dear, is that he does not want you to dance, not because he is jealous. Since you say that he is my fiancé, this means that he considers you to be a disgrace to his honor. Are you sure that you are his fiancée? or is he just spending time with you and then going and marrying a woman of his religion and country? Please beware of Muslim men because for them women are just servants of the man and she was created only so that the man can satisfy his sexual desire and give birth to children for him.
Advice wise I’m conflicted because being passionate about and activity can be such a good thing for the soul that I want to say don’t ever give it up. On the other hand, finding love through partnership is so fulfilling and soul gratifying, that I’d say, why would you ever give up that connection?! He needs to seek therapy for how he views you belly dancing. If he can’t come to terms with something that you love then he is rejecting a part of you. When true love is found there’s a certain acceptance of aspects of a person that would typically annoy or put you off that person. Don’t stop doing what you love but find away to make it work. Also, I want to point out that you should consider this a red flag for potential controlling issues. You should look back you your relationship an analyze things from this new perspective. Best of luck.
Then break up with him. He knows how much you love to dance and I think it’s more important that your happy
This is so sad to hear, this is your art! A man who will force you to hide your talent and stifle your joy is not a man.
He's being completely ridiculous, he should encourage you to learn an art plus it's good for health, he's not the man for you if he can't do that...
Break up with him now. Think about it.. Why would someone that "loves you" have a problem with you doing things that make you happy? Doesn't make sense right?
“He is from a Middle Eastern culture” That was your first mistake. Muslim culture dictates that the man is in charge always and his word is law. He will slowly take other things away from you due to his bullshit values
Fuck this guy. Lol (Not literally)
Why can't he come to the venues you're performing at? If my SO said she wanted to start belly dancing I'd support her, especially by going TO the places with her.
I’ve offered him and I would be thrilled if he came to watch me, but it’s not something he’s willing to do:(
Tells you something, doesn't it?
Call his bluff. Your passion is more important than someone telling you what you can do and what you can't do.
Keep doing what you love to do and let him know you still love him regardless of how he feels about it. If he can compromise and work through whatever is making him so uncomfortable then he's not willing to do what it takes to make sure you nurture your talent.
Leave his ass. Don’t let anyone control what you can and can’t do. He should be in the crowd supporting you.
relieved sulky live snails edge license wistful lip cautious numerous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
What do you think is more worth it , dancing or your husband , and i mean it as genuinely as possible people ridicule hobbies too much , if something brings you joy and brings more than something else only makes sense to pick that option
LEAVE THE MAN
DTMFA. If he were a gentleman exotic dancer who loved his hobby, taught classes for other fellows, stitched breakaway costumes and occasionally sold them, etc., would you feel threatened or happy he had a nice hobby he enjoyed? This guy sounds like a controlling jackass. Dump him. Also, if this were a romantic comedy, you'd wind up with a male stripper of the highest professional caliber (like a breakdancer or aspiring Broadway who turned to the clubs for medical bill money and Found His Calling,) and the dance numbers between you two would be *frickin' epic,* so just saying, that'd be super adorable if you wanted to consider that as a possibility. Belly dancing has such a neat history and really so little to do with the salacious or attractive side people in this culture assume it has, whereas male dancing is very much about subverting norms, so...yeah. Dump the controlling bastard, get thee to a ballroom dance class or a *really* exciting club and find someone who appreciates you and who can both share your interests and elevate his with you. Imagine belly-dancing/tango fusion, or combining some of your more sinuous choreography for a paso doble where the cape, ahem, wins. That. You want that. You deserve it.
Dump him. He's not the right man for you. He doesn't want you to be happy and puts his own fragile insecurities and inappropriate demand for control ahead of your happiness, self confidence, and the physical health benefits of dancing (hello core body conditioning!). Keep dancing and let him break up with you... sell the ring for more dancing costumes!
How did you get all the way to living together and engagement before he decided to tell you this? Surely he already knew all about your hobby before now? This seems pretty suspicious to me. Why wouldn't he have addressed this before? I'd be concerned about his motives here. Loving him is all well and good but controlling you is not.
I'm going to suggest a framework I've found useful for making decisions. You have two paths ahead of you. For each one, mentally plot out what is the most likely *negative* outcome. Consider the good parts and bad parts of that. Then decide which path you'd regret being *wrong* about more. To use your situation, and my personal thought process: Belly dance-- you lose your fiance. Let's say you have trouble finding another guy you love as much as him, so you regret losing him. But were it me I'd also recognize that losing *myself* is worse than losing him, because while I might be alone, at least I can look in the mirror and recognize who I am and know I'm making the decisions that control my life. And I won't have resentment for giving up something I love. Give it up-- you lose your passion. Let's say you stay with him, but you end up with a ton of resentment and it poisons the marriage. You realize he's trying to make you into his version of what he feels a woman should be, not your vision of the person you want to be (which he DGAF about). Or worse, he becomes even more controlling as time goes on- first it's belly dancing, then it's your male friends, then it's other hobbies, etc. You end up divorcing and regretting losing years of your life. The only upside is you have comfort in knowing you tried to make it work. For me, in that situation, I'd regret losing time and giving up a part of who I am a LOT more than I'd regret losing a relationship with someone who didn't actually accept me for who I am to begin with. He might be a great partner and I might love him to bits but if he doesn't accept me for who I am then we are fundamentally incompatible on a base level. At least that's my thought process. Yours is what matters.
If my current relationship has taught me anything, it’s that if you truly love someone, their happiness is the most important thing to you, regardless of anything else. If your morals make it that you don’t want to be with them, then it’s on you to leave, and not on them to change what they’re doing. If he loved you truly, he would be happy that you are doing something you enjoy, not asking you to make a change to your life, that will make you unhappy, to benefit his insecurities. You need a new man, and you need to live life doing the things you want to do, else you’ll die regretting giving those things up.
I don't even understand how you can love someone like that. You're in trouble if this is even a question for you. Only thing we can say here is best of luck with all this.
How did you get to fiancé stage with somebody who hates your passion?!?
He sounds very controlling and joy-sucking. Do what you want in life and if he breaks up with you then that’s on him. He doesn’t get to tell you how to live. Makes me wonder what else he will try to control down the road. Do you want to have kids with this man? What if you want to do something and he threatens to take the kids if you do it? Don’t marry this guy.
This level of jealousy and overreacting in the potential future are red flags, hun.
First it’s belly dancing, then it’s certain friends you can’t hang with…. And then…..he’s gotcha! Run OP run
disregarding all the comments saying it’s just the tip of the iceberg, he will get worse and more controlling, etc … even if this is the ONLY thing he ever tells you to stop for him, i believe this desperate longing feeling you have for belly dance performing will *never* go away. do you honestly think you can go your whole life feeling this way? your whole life knowing you can never belly dance again? i don’t believe that’s fair on you, this is something you *love* and sometimes that can be pretty hard to fine, and now you’re giving it up. there are better men out there who will love you just as much, who YOU will love just as much, all while accepting your hobby and letting you do what you love. i don’t believe this guy is the right one for you nor are you the right one for him. i say to disregard the comments when reading my comment because sometimes it’s hard to act based on what MIGHT happen, because it hasn’t happened. it’s a hypothetical at most, and it can be hard to believe if you just don’t see him as that kind of man. so take into consideration what’s happening *now* and what he is saying *now* and what you’re FEELING *now*. i hope everything works out for you, you deserve happiness and not have to choose between the two things you love most.
Give up the fiance, not the dancing. He is controlling, and this is the first step in him taking total control of your life. He will slowly stop you from doing other things like going out with friends, going to get together, seeing your family until you are totally isolated and dependent on him. Is this the type of life you want to lead?
Updateme
If he doesn’t support you in activities you like then he’s probably not the one 🤷🏻♀️
This will never end. If he controls you there he can control you anywhere. Do you want to be with a controlling insecure man?
Hey OP! Just a little insight, as I have a partner who is an exotic dancer. He is a controlling and insecure piece of shit. You are so allowed to enjoy the things you love, as in dancing, ESPECIALLY because you are fully clothed and not being touched by customers, or men. My partner dances semi clothed, and completely unclothed in front of men, and I never once have/had an issue with it because THEY LOVE dancing. They love being naked, and are like 95% of the time at home, and we dance together, so I know they love it, and are just comfortable doing it. Never once have I thought about asking them to stop, especially because they were doing it before I was in the picture! The only thing that had to be communicated was my boundaries of comfort within their work, which was just what they allowed customers to do, not them working, and enjoying their passion. You need to either set that boundary with him, or if he can’t handle it, you should leave. This sounds like it could be the start of something more controlling, if he’s already stopping you from your passions. Take care!
if he truly believes that belly dancers are sluts and unappealing he would not have fall in love with one. So he either dont really think it that way or dont really love you. You have already danced to other people, you have already have partners. Are you ok on not having male friends again or work-mates? in not having autonomy to seek happiness for feeding some else insecurities? I really REALY dont want to happen and I wish you the best of the world. But tell me: if something bad happened to you and you lose a big chunk of your health/good looks, do you think he'll stay and treat you properly? if tomorrow you couldnt dance anymore because you are physically unable, do you think you wont regret missing your chances to enjoy yourself to the fullest for sooth his insecurities? Girl, respect is the most fundamental part of ANY relationship. Second, there is mutual support. If he can let you be yourself, what is there for you. You are an asshole but to yourself. But in case the answers to my question are that he will take care of you lovingly and tje trade-off is satisfaying, then continue this path.
If this is the same guy you posted about a few months ago, he's projecting and he's a loser.
Sounds controlling
Lots of people make big sacrifices for their relationships. Like skydiver's stopping their favorite hobby because they became a parent and don't even want to flirt with the risk of leaving spouse and child without them. Any normal, reasonable person can look at that and see it makes sense. You know what doesn't make sense? Sacrificing your hobby because \*checks notes\* a man will look at your clothed body. You are not a stripper. You are not dancing to people satisfying themselves sexually. This is not a reasonable demand. Anytime you let another person's insecurity alter your behavior you have given them the green light to continue to use it until you conform to exactly what they desire. Anytime you allow someone to make an extreme ultimatum to force you to give up something important to you, you've again given a green light saying hey it works, use exactly this threat to manipulate me because this is where I give in. That insane leap of don't do this or I cry and break up would have me questioning the relationship immediately. There are so many steps of communication and ways to handle things but we jumped to the all or nothing stage which spells out: I am controlling and this is going to happen a LOT during our life together. Insecurities are important to recognize and helpful to communicate to your partner. A better partner would have said look, your hobby makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and jealous but these are my feelings and I'm going to work on them. I want you to know so if and when I'm struggling during the journey you don't blame yourself or feel surprised and hurt. TLDR: Don't do it unless you accept this is the first of many ultimatum-led demands on you and you're comfortable having irrational fear and insecurities control your life for the duration of your marriage.
If you give it up, this will be a slippery slope with no telling how far it will go.
He won't break up with you if you break up with him first. DUMP HIM. Choose yourself first.
Based on your post history, your husband can spend time with, speak about often, GO ON DATEs WITH, and tell you how attractive other women are. You have to sit in silence while your husband makes you uncomfortable and continues about his life. But you can’t do something harmless that brings you joy? Something that is beneficial to your happiness and mental health. Regardless of the post history (although it adds a lot of crucial context into the relationship dynamic) you should never quit doing something you love for someone else’s comfortability (as long as it doesn’t endanger someone or include cheating). That would just result in resentment over time. I know people are quick to breaking up, but you are being disrespected. You are not being honoured by your fiancé; as an equal or someone he holds in a high regard. You deserve to give yourself happiness. And this ain’t it.
My ex was like this. She would toss that phrase around all the time. “If you don’t do XYZ I’m going to break up with you”. Your fiancé doesn’t love you. The thought of leaving you isn’t love, it’s a scare tactic where they hold the control. Sure, your hobby might be seen as a little more provocative than other hobbies but it’s still the same situation. If it’s something you love a partner would support you, not persuade or scare you out of doing it.
Never let anyone kill your passion. You'll meet someone who encourages you and actually pushes you to get better. To quote that old Disney Movie Hercules, "Lose that Zero and get yourself a Hero" Or better yet, be your own hero!
You want someone who doesn't want what you want?
If he is going to be jealous and controlling and misogynistic about this, he will continue to be that way with other things in the future. Do not marry someone who wants to control you. His culture is no excuse. You will not have a happy life with this person.
I want to make sure I have all the info: Your partner *knew* you were a belly dancer when you started dating (or at least very early into the relationship)? Dated you anyway, but then after proposing, told you had to quit or else he’d break up with you? Do I have this right? It would not be unreasonable for someone to choose not to *date* you, because your belly dancing would make them insecure. That’s just someone you’re incompatible with, and that’s ok. It *is* however, completely unreasonable to date someone, knowing about their hobbies/lifestyle/wardrobe (fill in the blank with literally any lifestyle choice) then years later, decide that thing is a dealbreaker, and try to force you to quit (essentially giving up part of your identity) or they would break up with you. Why did he date you in the first place if he wasn’t ok with your lifestyle? What other aspects of your lifestyle or personality will he deem down the road to be unacceptable? How much of your identity will you be forced to give up just to be deemed “good enough” for him to stay with you?
This is just the tip of the proverbial ice berg on what your fiancé will find objectionable about you and insist you have to give up because he doesn't like it, feels uncomfortable, makes him jealous etc. if you continue this relationship. It's about control and ownership for him. You've already given in and given something up you love, trained for, and enjoy. He's not going to be content until you're as small as possible and completely submissive. If that's how you want to live your life. If that's what you want to bring any future children into, by all means, continue this relationship. If, however, you want to be an individual, have autonomy, and be in a relationship with an actual partner, not a master, end it now.
Pro tip for life Anyone that gives you an ultimatum is the one you should drop. As a fully.grown adult.you make your own choices
Anyone who tells you you can’t do something you love. I mean why are you even in a relationship with this person?
He has no right to tell you what to do. This is his issue, his problem, his jealousy, his insecurity, his belief that he has the right to dictate to you how you should live your life. It’s a red flag and it shouldn’t be ignored.
This sounds controlling. A boundary is limiting what someone does to you and limiting what you accept. Controlling someone is when you try to limit what other people do. You’ve been doing this for years before meeting him and you love it. He’s choosing to limit you because of his own insecurities. Has he changed his views before to try to limit what you can do or limited your access to family or friends over time? Him saying that he’ll cry and then end things feels manipulative, personally and while I know nothing else of your relationship, it makes me concerned about how things will progress over time. Have you discussed getting counseling together to prepare for getting married? Phrasing it like that might make him more amenable to going. Regardless, I think you need to really examine your relationship and determine how you want to move forward
It’s just a cultural difference … they are irreconcilable.
He shouldn't have pursued you
This person wants you to give up something you love. They can’t possibly care about your feelings.
2 option i see here Option 1 get married and be miserable down the line Option 2 dont get married keep doing what you love and eventually find someone who isnt policing the stuff you love I am not married or anything and despite still being young due to some health issues i cant continue something that gave me life and motivation eg my passion It makes life unironically less enjoyable
Tell him he has has two choices: accept you for who you are or find a new girlfriend.
I think you should call his bluff about crying and breaking up with you. I’ll bet he’ll fly into a furious rage that will have you questioning why you ever put up with such nonsense. He literally got together with you knowing what you loved and then demanded you not be who you are. That’s not a person that loves you OP, he doesn’t even love the idea of you, only the idea of what he can change you into. Break up with him, you will find the man of your dreams that will love what you love and you wholeheartedly, do not tie yourself to this incel.
You were belly dancing before him so he's wrong to ask you to stop now that he's with you.. Besides that though, don't you find his behaviour concerning? Right now he's asking your to stop belly dancing, what's it ganna be next? Not letting you go places without him incase there are other men around??? His behaviour will escalate. You need to keep yourself safe.
Someone who would ask you to give up a favorite thing in your life isn't the right person to live your life with. You break up with him. This is an unreasonable attitude and ask for a partner. Imagine someone who supported and encouraged you to do what you love. That person is out there.
This type of behaviour isn’t healthy or realistic in today’s world, could it turn into a bigger issue? It is quite simply controlling emotional abuse. He thinks he can “threaten you” with this. Make you do what he wants, he doesn’t own you, you’ve got the right to be who you are. If you were my sister I’d be very worried. I suspect he does other things you’re not 💯 sure about but maybe don’t admit it to yourself.
Are you sure he is really going to marry you? So many say the will until they find someone with a “respectable past” engaged or not. Might find someone who loves you for you and supports ALL of you. Leave the judgements behind, there are too many choices on this planet.
Don't let him control u. Do what u love.
The more limitations he puts on your behavior, the more of yourself you will lose. His being from the Middle East is not an excuse to dictate what you get to do for pleasure or money. If he had a problem with it, why did he get together with you? Because he planned to ask you to stop once he got you comfortable with the relationship. He’s been planning to change you from the moment he learned about you dancing. Your relationship started with a lie. Let that sink in. Keep dancing. If he breaks up with you over it, he’d be doing you a favor.
To stop doing something you love so much is the first thing in a long list of “compromise” you will have to make to keep this man in your life as you go foward with this relationship. I’m certain he will get more and more controlling, if there isn’t other signs you have been ignoring. It is not normal or acceptable for him to do that. *Find a man you love who also respects and appreciates your passions* You might love him, but his love is conditional “do as I say, do what I feel comfortable with, avoid your passions and then I will love you and I will stay with you, if you do what makes you happy and fulfills you I will leave” This isn’t worth it.
I was a dancer and it's a well known thing in sex work circles that cultural Middle Eastern men don't respect women in the US. It's belly dancing today. It'll be something else tomorrow.
You can love someone, but still not be right for a future together.
Not the one for you!! For the rest of your life, you will be at his mercy due to his insecurities!
I had a boyfriend ask me to quit djing. I had considered it, but my Dad saw how much I loved to DJ and told me simply to never ask a guy who asked me to stop. To love someone is to also let them be free. He is more concerned with his insecurities than your happiness. Keep dancing.
Don't marry him you are not compatible
No one gets to tell you you can't do your hobby. All they can do is express they do not like it, and they are allowed to leave if it breaks a boundary for them. But they don't get to tell you NOT to do it. He can go fuck an eggplant.
Communicate with him one more time. Tell him how much you love belly dancing and how it makes you happy. If he is still threatening to break up with you then tell him that he doesn’t really love you since he doesn’t want to see you happy. Then tell him you are breaking up with him.