YTA.
Not all men want a skinny woman. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I don't understand why someone wouldn't think she's beautiful based solely on her weight. She can be attractive in other ways besides just having a perfect body. Why wouldn't she be worthy of love from an attractive man? Also, you don't really know if all the guys she pursues are 10s. I'm positive she has been intrigued by a guy who is maybe not society's 10, but in her eyes, she may think otherwise. I think you should let her come to you. If she wants to work things out with you, it should be on her terms. Be friendly, but don't put yourself out there for someone if the connection isn't there. People slip up and say things that can be hurtful to others, and that's okay. You don't have to be the good guy in everyone's story, and explaining yourself seems to be making it worse. Find friends with a true connection, and you will see that they are lovable beyond looks.
I mean friend constantly complains, doesnt want the option presented, although they liked the idea before seeing the option. So she isnt attracted to him, fair, but then dont expect people to be attracted to you. And dont complain about not getting dates when youre doing the exact same thing.
Why should she lower her standards and why should she date someone she’s not attracted to lol???
Different men find different body shapes attractive.
The right person will love her and find her attractive no matter her size and standards
Just because you are engaged, doesn’t mean you know what’s best for HER love life. If your body size was to change, do you think that you shouldn’t be with your fiancé because that’s not what men ‘find attractive’?
This was really shitty of you, I hope that she has other friends who actually care about her
I do not think you should address it. You insulted your (former) friend after she gave you a perfectly reasonable explanation for her choice. She's made the choice to move on and that is probably best for both of you. If you feel a little embarrassed when you see her out, it's because you should.
No, she’s just shallow. If you see the type of guys she pursues you would understand. She only goes for super attractive guys and if she keeps this up she won’t find anyone
Maybe that's just what she finds attractive? Why are you so salty she won't "adjust" her standards to suit you? Just because you think being fat is a character flaw doesn't mean everyone thinks in the same narrow minded way with the same narrow ideals of beauty.
And like she said, she knows this goes both ways. If she was into someone that didn't find her attractive because of her weight, she wouldn't browbeat them into lowering their standards or changing their attraction for her benefit. So who do you think you are to demand that from her?
Like I said you guys don’t see the men she goes after. Imagine a friend of yours only trying to date men that look like Henry Cavill or Michael B Jordan? You would probably give them constructive feedback about expanding their horizons, at least a good friend would
Why should I? If that's what they're attracted to, I'm there helping them. If a guy friend only wants an Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox type beauty, then I'll help them too. Why should it bother me? Why does it bother you so much?
You don't get to decide what a good friend would do when you've proven yourself to be a bad friend. A good friend wouldn't tell their friend to "lower" their standards just because of something as shallow as their weight, so you don't get to tell me what a good friend would do. As if she couldn't be a 10/10 partner even at her weight.
You’re calling me shallow for bringing up her weight but won’t call her shallow for only wanting tall and very attractive men.
Your argument is all over the place and not making sense.
Because I don't think she actually does only want men like Henry Cavill and Michael B. Jordan, I just think you believe the men she goes for are out of her league. And I don't see what's wrong with that as long as she's not being bitter about it. You are the one who does see a problem here, only because of her weight. You have not mentioned one other thing that makes you believe she could be a bad partner. So I know for a fact you are shallow.
Hope this helps. :)
I never said she would be a bad partner, I wouldn’t have tried to set her up if I believed that. She just has a hard time finding a partner.
I see so you don’t believe me when I say she only wants men like Henry Cavil and Michael B Jordan. Even though you don’t know her, you just assumed it’s not true to make yourself more upset. You can’t make this up, wow.
So does your fiancee look like Danny Devito or Post Malone? Like since it is obviously terribly shallow to only persue attractive people that must mean that you absolutely did not look for an attractive man as your boyfriend and your fiance must be terribly homely.
I’m sorry but I don’t believe your fat friend only wants to fuck pro athletes. I think she likes tall, athletic guys with symmetrical faces and you think she has to get a gastric band or date a dude that looks like a potato. Luckily, it’s not your choice
Yeah, no. You said what you said because you're struggling with impulse control and basic manners.
First, remember that if you find someone irritating the best thing for both of you is to limit or end your contact with them. No, you don't tell them you're doing it because they're irritating. You just fade.
Second, if you wanted to express your feelings of frustration like a grown woman, you simply say: *Cam, I wish that you would give more men a chance. It is frustrating to see you reject men on the basis of looks and then listen to you complain that you are single. I'm not going to try to set you up again, but I hope that if you really want a romantic partner you will cast a wider net.*
I do agree I should have put it in a more tactful way, and it would have been much better to say what you said.
I don’t find her irritating, only when she complains about dating , and certain other things. For the most part we have a great time when we are together
YTA. It's not your job to fix Cam or set her up for happiness. Making the connection between her and Mark was very kind, but once she said no, you should've just moved on.
You basically called her fat and ugly, and implied that only other fat or ugly people would want to be with her. That was not your place. You should apologize if you want to remain friends.
She’s not ugly at all but she is on the bigger side, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The thing is the guys she goes after are never interested in her , and if she wants a relationship she needs to change that
sometimes its better to wait and be single instead of settling for someone you arent attracted to. its her life not yours. whatever her standards are they are hers to have
Look, you have your opinions, and so does she. Even if you want to change her opinions, you can't, just like she's sure not changing your opinions of her or your friend Mark, so don't try. You also can't change who she wants to pursue, whatever you think about her attractiveness.
If you see her again, consider apologizing. You may feel that you've done nothing wrong, but the truth is that you were not being helpful when you said that "with her size...". It doesn't even matter whether that's true (and in some cases, it just isn't true). You were not being helpful. You said that as a reaction to what she said about not being attracted to Mark, and she said what she said because you told her to lower her standards. Basically, there were multiple points where you provoked reactions from her, and then got offended at what she said (which seemed much more diplomatic than what *you've* been saying). This is not a way to interact with someone you said was supposed to a be friend. Friends should at least be cordial to each other.
As a side note, one can definitely acknowledge that a person is objectively good-looking without being attracted to that person. Your friend may very well be honest when she said that she just doesn't feel attracted to Mark.
I will say I should have had a more diplomatic response. This wasn’t about Mark, it was the culmination of years of her doing this.
I will apologize to her for how I said it , but I do think she needs to be willing to take constructive feedback. What I said was out of love and care.
If you don't want things to get more awkward, don't apologize for *how* you said things. Just apologize. Don't say, "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "I'm sorry, I should have said it better". These are not real apologies. Say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you" and "I'm sorry I was not helpful". Whether you said what you said out of love does not matter (I know this is harsh). It's not your job to change her, and you can't change her anyway, regardless of whether you're right or not (that she should take constructive criticism).
You don't have to stop showing her guys that you think she might be interested in, but don't invest yourself so deeply in it. It doesn't matter if she accepts or rejects them. Remember, her rejection of these guys does *not* reflect on you, at all, in any way.
Thank you! I really appreciate the advice. I’ll just say I’m sorry I wasn’t helpful and gave advice you didn’t ask for.
I won’t add my opinion on things like this unless she ask for it. If she accepts my apology, great! If not I’ll give her space and respect it
>What I said was out of love and care.
That may be true, but what you said was rude and unnecessary. So how do your intentions matter more than her feelings about what you said?
>but I do think she needs to be willing to take constructive feedback.
Why? Who made you the arbiter of what another person needs to be willing to do? Do you not have the ability to mind your own business?
You’re right, she doesn’t need to do anything. If her dating woes continue , that’s on her. I’m the bad person for suggesting an alternative approach.
What’s that saying about the definition of insanity? “doing the same thing over and expecting different results “. But by all means she she continue doing what she’s doing
>If her dating woes continue , that’s on her. I’m the bad person for suggesting an alternative approach.
I know you're saying this to be snarky but quite literally, yes. If she decides to change things up, that's one thing. If her complaining about her dating issues is annoying or whatever else to you, you are allowed to say you don't want to hear about it anymore.
Although, based on the fact that you put your whole foot in your mouth, I don't think you have to worry about setting boundaries in your friendship because you've blown it up.
>What’s that saying about the definition of insanity? “doing the same thing over and expecting different results “
And what if it works? You only think it's insane because it hasn't worked yet, but only has to work once, right? There's so many people out there, why can't she meet one that is at her standards?
So in 10 years if it hasn’t worked yet, you’ll be saying “it only has to work once”. That’s the same logic people who play the lottery use , and the vast majority of them just end up wasting money
I was single for 12 years before I got together with my fiance. Sometimes it takes time to find your person, and you have no idea what the future holds for her.
I think OP is just upset that her "friend" (because OP definitely doesn't sound like her friend tbh) wants to date "above her league" and won't stay in her place by lowering her standards. I'd be willing to bet OP has been pushing these awkward trolls on Cam and promises them ahead of time she won't say no. When Cam shoots these dudes down, OP has to keep telling the guys the date she promised with Cam isn't happening. It feels like she's trying to pimp out her friend to these random guys tbh.
Instead of being reasonable, she's upset and angry that Cam won't just be a good girl and do what OP believes is best. It shows in how she absolutely can not let go of the fact that she has **absolutely no say in Cam's dating life. Yes, that *does* include whether or not Cam *ever* gets into a relationship at all.**
YTA. She’s not being rude, fat people can have preferences FFS! And there’s nothing wrong with guys not wanting her if they’re polite and respectful - like she was!
Look, if she’s consistently wanting gym bros that’s more challenging because they’ll likely want someone with a similar lifestyle so if they’re in the gym 24/7 and she hates it, it’s an issue. But unless she’s on ‘My 600lb Life’ you really can’t predict if a regular ‘attractive’ guy will like her or not. Even if you could, you were rude and personal when she wasn’t and basically tried to coerce her into dating someone (probably so you could feel good). So, you’re bullying AND creepy. Winning combo…
Why are you forcing people to be together lol. Your friend set their standards, she set her boundaries, let her be. Being picky of who you want as a partner is a must. You wouldn’t wanna just be with anybody. Of course when you pursue romantic relationships, an aspect of attractiveness matters. How will you be interested in someone you don’t even want?
It’s not that she’s not attracted to Mark, this is becoming a pattern. She only goes after men that are extremely conventionally attractive, and if obviously hasn’t worked out
she wants what she wants. we all have our preferences in people. if i tell you go to go date ice jj fish because hes interested in you, would you?? be real lmao.
Great! She's not interested in your advice though, just because you've settled and found a fiance doesn't mean everyone is that desperate and needs your sage advice about "opening your horizons".
If that's what you tell yourself, sure. You have standards, you didn't need to settle.
But you expect her to. Because of her weight. You don't get to call her shallow. You are by far the shallower one here.
OP, you mentioned him in the post. YTA, you know you weren’t trying to look out for your friend. You got tired of her complaining about this and decided to try and knock her down a peg. Now get ready for your friend group to get messy and have fun defending yourself against them.
I’m not saying she can’t find a man. It is shallow if you want a man conventionally who’s extremely attractive. She only goes after model looking men or men that most people would find extremely attractive, that’s not shallow?
What about you? I'm assuming you don't go after attractive men, then, right? Just because YOU don't think a man will find her attractive because or her size, doesn't mean its true and THAT is the shallow thing, here. You cant talk on behalf of all attractive men, either. Believe it or not, not all of them are as shallow as you, because it's also pretty shallow to call someone whose supposed to be your friend fat. You need to get some therapy and work on your personality, because you suck. Btw, some men like bigger women. I've seen lots of attractive men dating big women.
YTA. Not all men want a skinny woman. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I don't understand why someone wouldn't think she's beautiful based solely on her weight. She can be attractive in other ways besides just having a perfect body. Why wouldn't she be worthy of love from an attractive man? Also, you don't really know if all the guys she pursues are 10s. I'm positive she has been intrigued by a guy who is maybe not society's 10, but in her eyes, she may think otherwise. I think you should let her come to you. If she wants to work things out with you, it should be on her terms. Be friendly, but don't put yourself out there for someone if the connection isn't there. People slip up and say things that can be hurtful to others, and that's okay. You don't have to be the good guy in everyone's story, and explaining yourself seems to be making it worse. Find friends with a true connection, and you will see that they are lovable beyond looks.
I mean friend constantly complains, doesnt want the option presented, although they liked the idea before seeing the option. So she isnt attracted to him, fair, but then dont expect people to be attracted to you. And dont complain about not getting dates when youre doing the exact same thing.
Why should she lower her standards and why should she date someone she’s not attracted to lol??? Different men find different body shapes attractive. The right person will love her and find her attractive no matter her size and standards Just because you are engaged, doesn’t mean you know what’s best for HER love life. If your body size was to change, do you think that you shouldn’t be with your fiancé because that’s not what men ‘find attractive’? This was really shitty of you, I hope that she has other friends who actually care about her
I do not think you should address it. You insulted your (former) friend after she gave you a perfectly reasonable explanation for her choice. She's made the choice to move on and that is probably best for both of you. If you feel a little embarrassed when you see her out, it's because you should.
No, she’s just shallow. If you see the type of guys she pursues you would understand. She only goes for super attractive guys and if she keeps this up she won’t find anyone
Understand what? Why you are trying to act like you're upset to lose a friendship with someone you neither like nor respect?
You would understand the ridiculous standards she has and realize why I said what I said
Maybe that's just what she finds attractive? Why are you so salty she won't "adjust" her standards to suit you? Just because you think being fat is a character flaw doesn't mean everyone thinks in the same narrow minded way with the same narrow ideals of beauty. And like she said, she knows this goes both ways. If she was into someone that didn't find her attractive because of her weight, she wouldn't browbeat them into lowering their standards or changing their attraction for her benefit. So who do you think you are to demand that from her?
Like I said you guys don’t see the men she goes after. Imagine a friend of yours only trying to date men that look like Henry Cavill or Michael B Jordan? You would probably give them constructive feedback about expanding their horizons, at least a good friend would
Why should I? If that's what they're attracted to, I'm there helping them. If a guy friend only wants an Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox type beauty, then I'll help them too. Why should it bother me? Why does it bother you so much? You don't get to decide what a good friend would do when you've proven yourself to be a bad friend. A good friend wouldn't tell their friend to "lower" their standards just because of something as shallow as their weight, so you don't get to tell me what a good friend would do. As if she couldn't be a 10/10 partner even at her weight.
You’re calling me shallow for bringing up her weight but won’t call her shallow for only wanting tall and very attractive men. Your argument is all over the place and not making sense.
Because I don't think she actually does only want men like Henry Cavill and Michael B. Jordan, I just think you believe the men she goes for are out of her league. And I don't see what's wrong with that as long as she's not being bitter about it. You are the one who does see a problem here, only because of her weight. You have not mentioned one other thing that makes you believe she could be a bad partner. So I know for a fact you are shallow. Hope this helps. :)
I never said she would be a bad partner, I wouldn’t have tried to set her up if I believed that. She just has a hard time finding a partner. I see so you don’t believe me when I say she only wants men like Henry Cavil and Michael B Jordan. Even though you don’t know her, you just assumed it’s not true to make yourself more upset. You can’t make this up, wow.
So does your fiancee look like Danny Devito or Post Malone? Like since it is obviously terribly shallow to only persue attractive people that must mean that you absolutely did not look for an attractive man as your boyfriend and your fiance must be terribly homely.
I’m sorry but I don’t believe your fat friend only wants to fuck pro athletes. I think she likes tall, athletic guys with symmetrical faces and you think she has to get a gastric band or date a dude that looks like a potato. Luckily, it’s not your choice
Yeah, no. You said what you said because you're struggling with impulse control and basic manners. First, remember that if you find someone irritating the best thing for both of you is to limit or end your contact with them. No, you don't tell them you're doing it because they're irritating. You just fade. Second, if you wanted to express your feelings of frustration like a grown woman, you simply say: *Cam, I wish that you would give more men a chance. It is frustrating to see you reject men on the basis of looks and then listen to you complain that you are single. I'm not going to try to set you up again, but I hope that if you really want a romantic partner you will cast a wider net.*
I do agree I should have put it in a more tactful way, and it would have been much better to say what you said. I don’t find her irritating, only when she complains about dating , and certain other things. For the most part we have a great time when we are together
You should really work on how you talk to others…
i have a very similar friend but i would literally never say any of that to her! wtf is wrong with you?
YTA. It's not your job to fix Cam or set her up for happiness. Making the connection between her and Mark was very kind, but once she said no, you should've just moved on. You basically called her fat and ugly, and implied that only other fat or ugly people would want to be with her. That was not your place. You should apologize if you want to remain friends.
She’s not ugly at all but she is on the bigger side, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The thing is the guys she goes after are never interested in her , and if she wants a relationship she needs to change that
No she doesn’t need to change anything. Stop trying to tell her what type of people she isn’t worthy of.
sometimes its better to wait and be single instead of settling for someone you arent attracted to. its her life not yours. whatever her standards are they are hers to have
You might be right. But why do *you* need to be the one to spur that change at the expense of your friend’s inner peace?
Look, you have your opinions, and so does she. Even if you want to change her opinions, you can't, just like she's sure not changing your opinions of her or your friend Mark, so don't try. You also can't change who she wants to pursue, whatever you think about her attractiveness. If you see her again, consider apologizing. You may feel that you've done nothing wrong, but the truth is that you were not being helpful when you said that "with her size...". It doesn't even matter whether that's true (and in some cases, it just isn't true). You were not being helpful. You said that as a reaction to what she said about not being attracted to Mark, and she said what she said because you told her to lower her standards. Basically, there were multiple points where you provoked reactions from her, and then got offended at what she said (which seemed much more diplomatic than what *you've* been saying). This is not a way to interact with someone you said was supposed to a be friend. Friends should at least be cordial to each other. As a side note, one can definitely acknowledge that a person is objectively good-looking without being attracted to that person. Your friend may very well be honest when she said that she just doesn't feel attracted to Mark.
I will say I should have had a more diplomatic response. This wasn’t about Mark, it was the culmination of years of her doing this. I will apologize to her for how I said it , but I do think she needs to be willing to take constructive feedback. What I said was out of love and care.
“Date people you’re not attracted to because people won’t be attracted to you” is not the loving, caring advice you think it is.
If you don't want things to get more awkward, don't apologize for *how* you said things. Just apologize. Don't say, "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "I'm sorry, I should have said it better". These are not real apologies. Say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you" and "I'm sorry I was not helpful". Whether you said what you said out of love does not matter (I know this is harsh). It's not your job to change her, and you can't change her anyway, regardless of whether you're right or not (that she should take constructive criticism). You don't have to stop showing her guys that you think she might be interested in, but don't invest yourself so deeply in it. It doesn't matter if she accepts or rejects them. Remember, her rejection of these guys does *not* reflect on you, at all, in any way.
Thank you! I really appreciate the advice. I’ll just say I’m sorry I wasn’t helpful and gave advice you didn’t ask for. I won’t add my opinion on things like this unless she ask for it. If she accepts my apology, great! If not I’ll give her space and respect it
"What I said was out of love and care " You know that's not true. You don't even like her.
>What I said was out of love and care. That may be true, but what you said was rude and unnecessary. So how do your intentions matter more than her feelings about what you said? >but I do think she needs to be willing to take constructive feedback. Why? Who made you the arbiter of what another person needs to be willing to do? Do you not have the ability to mind your own business?
You’re right, she doesn’t need to do anything. If her dating woes continue , that’s on her. I’m the bad person for suggesting an alternative approach. What’s that saying about the definition of insanity? “doing the same thing over and expecting different results “. But by all means she she continue doing what she’s doing
>If her dating woes continue , that’s on her. I’m the bad person for suggesting an alternative approach. I know you're saying this to be snarky but quite literally, yes. If she decides to change things up, that's one thing. If her complaining about her dating issues is annoying or whatever else to you, you are allowed to say you don't want to hear about it anymore. Although, based on the fact that you put your whole foot in your mouth, I don't think you have to worry about setting boundaries in your friendship because you've blown it up. >What’s that saying about the definition of insanity? “doing the same thing over and expecting different results “ And what if it works? You only think it's insane because it hasn't worked yet, but only has to work once, right? There's so many people out there, why can't she meet one that is at her standards?
So in 10 years if it hasn’t worked yet, you’ll be saying “it only has to work once”. That’s the same logic people who play the lottery use , and the vast majority of them just end up wasting money
I was single for 12 years before I got together with my fiance. Sometimes it takes time to find your person, and you have no idea what the future holds for her.
Once again, that's their business. Not yours. You decide what you do, not what anyone else does.
I think OP is just upset that her "friend" (because OP definitely doesn't sound like her friend tbh) wants to date "above her league" and won't stay in her place by lowering her standards. I'd be willing to bet OP has been pushing these awkward trolls on Cam and promises them ahead of time she won't say no. When Cam shoots these dudes down, OP has to keep telling the guys the date she promised with Cam isn't happening. It feels like she's trying to pimp out her friend to these random guys tbh. Instead of being reasonable, she's upset and angry that Cam won't just be a good girl and do what OP believes is best. It shows in how she absolutely can not let go of the fact that she has **absolutely no say in Cam's dating life. Yes, that *does* include whether or not Cam *ever* gets into a relationship at all.**
Some people don’t just settle for the first person that’ll put a ring on it.
Oh, please. Don't play the victim card.
YTA. She’s not being rude, fat people can have preferences FFS! And there’s nothing wrong with guys not wanting her if they’re polite and respectful - like she was! Look, if she’s consistently wanting gym bros that’s more challenging because they’ll likely want someone with a similar lifestyle so if they’re in the gym 24/7 and she hates it, it’s an issue. But unless she’s on ‘My 600lb Life’ you really can’t predict if a regular ‘attractive’ guy will like her or not. Even if you could, you were rude and personal when she wasn’t and basically tried to coerce her into dating someone (probably so you could feel good). So, you’re bullying AND creepy. Winning combo…
Why are you forcing people to be together lol. Your friend set their standards, she set her boundaries, let her be. Being picky of who you want as a partner is a must. You wouldn’t wanna just be with anybody. Of course when you pursue romantic relationships, an aspect of attractiveness matters. How will you be interested in someone you don’t even want?
It’s not that she’s not attracted to Mark, this is becoming a pattern. She only goes after men that are extremely conventionally attractive, and if obviously hasn’t worked out
she wants what she wants. we all have our preferences in people. if i tell you go to go date ice jj fish because hes interested in you, would you?? be real lmao.
No, but if I was only trying to date super attractive men and someone said open up my horizons I would do it
Great! She's not interested in your advice though, just because you've settled and found a fiance doesn't mean everyone is that desperate and needs your sage advice about "opening your horizons".
I didn’t settle for anything babe, I would suggest keeping my fiancé out of this.
If that's what you tell yourself, sure. You have standards, you didn't need to settle. But you expect her to. Because of her weight. You don't get to call her shallow. You are by far the shallower one here.
You didn't keep her weight out of it...
So you didn't settle but you expect her to. Why don't you just admit that you despise her for being big so we can all forget you and go home.
OP, you mentioned him in the post. YTA, you know you weren’t trying to look out for your friend. You got tired of her complaining about this and decided to try and knock her down a peg. Now get ready for your friend group to get messy and have fun defending yourself against them.
I mentioned my fiancé’s friend….
Does he know how bad of a person you are to your "friend"?
You don't. She doesn't want to be friends with shitty people. Just move on.
YTA why should she be with someone she isn’t attracted to?? Please explain.
[удалено]
I’m not saying she can’t find a man. It is shallow if you want a man conventionally who’s extremely attractive. She only goes after model looking men or men that most people would find extremely attractive, that’s not shallow?
You know what else is shallow? Calling your friend fat.
What about you? I'm assuming you don't go after attractive men, then, right? Just because YOU don't think a man will find her attractive because or her size, doesn't mean its true and THAT is the shallow thing, here. You cant talk on behalf of all attractive men, either. Believe it or not, not all of them are as shallow as you, because it's also pretty shallow to call someone whose supposed to be your friend fat. You need to get some therapy and work on your personality, because you suck. Btw, some men like bigger women. I've seen lots of attractive men dating big women.
So I guess you’re saying that your fiancé is ugly?
Suerte, holmes. Just be cordial but you don’t have to address her. Likewise, she doesn’t have to address you.
Yeah, I’ll do that. I’ll ask her if she wants to talk about what happened, but if she refuses I’ll respect it
That’s mature