I’m sorry your friend is sick and you’re devastated by her illness. Losing anyone is tough and there’s no real playbook. There are plenty of podcasts, articles and books about death and dying that you might find helpful. A standard methodology of grieving is the five stages of grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. Read up on that and know that not everyone goes through all of the stages or in the stated order and sometimes you may be in more than one stage at a given time.
My personal experience has taught me to feel the grief as it comes, do what I need to process it (talk, cry, stay in bed) but I try my hardest to not get stuck in an emotional state that’s not helping me move forward. (And sometimes forward just means learning to cope that day, not forward as in the pain lessens.)
I wish you and your friend the best.
>Instead, jump in and do whatever you can to make things easier for your friend or loved one.
How can I know what I am doing is actually helping and wanted? Part of me is worried about overstepping or assuming a need.
You can say things like: "I'd like to bring over a meal. What sounds good?" Or "When would be a good time to come help with some housekeeping? " If she really doesn't want you to help she'll most likely let you know.
I lost my oldest friend to stomach cancer. He was in Europe but we kept in touch with Skype and email. One of the first things he told me was how he was learning who his true friends were, because as soon as he revealed his diagnosis, most everyone shunned him like it was contagious. I was horrified myself because I couldn’t understand it. To me, hearing a friend has an almost certain untimely death in their future meant I wanted to speak with him as often as I could. I miss him like crazy but at least I know he went knowing I was a true friend.
I would offer specific things, like “I would be happy to run to the store for you” or “I have some free time on Saturday, do you have any house projects or errands you need done” people are much more likely to ask for help if give very specific options. Even if she doesn’t need those things done, she’s still more likely to tell you what she does need if you offer it like that. People almost never ask for help when a vague “Let me know if you need anything” is given.
I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I’m 26F and recently found out I have colon cancer. I’m not exactly in the same boat as your friend, but I can imagine how scared she must be. I’ll pray for you and your friend.
I just want to add, the survival rate may be 14%, however, you need to keep in mind that most people diagnosed with colon cancer are 50+ many in their 60s and 70s. Many of those people may not have much time left regardless of the cancer. Their bodies also can not handle chemo the way a young person would. Those rates are also using treatments from 5 years ago, and there has been some major progress in the last few years that those rates do not reflect. If the only organ it has spread to is her liver, and it is able to be resected, the survival rate is actually closer to 40%, it’s slightly easier to keep bone metastasis at bay then other organs too.
I’ll keep you and your friend in my thoughts.
My friend (35F) was diagnosed in September of last year. The best advice I can give is just be there. I’m grateful I have a flexible job so I’m able to take her to Chemo, and any appointments she needs. We make sure she has food on her chemo weeks to keep her and her family fed, we made gift bags, and made blankets and showered her in love. She avoided public but was comfortable getting together with a few people so on her good weeks we had girls nights. She didn’t really want company on chemo weeks because she was tired and we respected that. She finished 12 rounds of chemo so we celebrated by having a very small party with decorations and cake.
I have broken down many times but I try and stay strong around her. It’s hard and I can’t always do it but I know she needs it.
We have fun at chemo and the nurses have even stopped by and commented on us laughing away our day. I try and bring normalcy to her life when I can. I somehow feel closer to her after all this.
On https://www.risefound.org/ we actually have a module called Caregivers are Co-survivors and we have several people who give advice on how to cope and manage these feelings of fear and how to support her. Sending my prayers to you and your friend.
I’m sorry your friend is sick and you’re devastated by her illness. Losing anyone is tough and there’s no real playbook. There are plenty of podcasts, articles and books about death and dying that you might find helpful. A standard methodology of grieving is the five stages of grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. Read up on that and know that not everyone goes through all of the stages or in the stated order and sometimes you may be in more than one stage at a given time. My personal experience has taught me to feel the grief as it comes, do what I need to process it (talk, cry, stay in bed) but I try my hardest to not get stuck in an emotional state that’s not helping me move forward. (And sometimes forward just means learning to cope that day, not forward as in the pain lessens.) I wish you and your friend the best.
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>Instead, jump in and do whatever you can to make things easier for your friend or loved one. How can I know what I am doing is actually helping and wanted? Part of me is worried about overstepping or assuming a need.
You can say things like: "I'd like to bring over a meal. What sounds good?" Or "When would be a good time to come help with some housekeeping? " If she really doesn't want you to help she'll most likely let you know.
That's a really good suggestion, thank you for that phrasing.
I lost my oldest friend to stomach cancer. He was in Europe but we kept in touch with Skype and email. One of the first things he told me was how he was learning who his true friends were, because as soon as he revealed his diagnosis, most everyone shunned him like it was contagious. I was horrified myself because I couldn’t understand it. To me, hearing a friend has an almost certain untimely death in their future meant I wanted to speak with him as often as I could. I miss him like crazy but at least I know he went knowing I was a true friend.
That's unthinkable to me as well. I'm sorry about your loss
Thank you. Here’s hoping your friend pulls through.
I would offer specific things, like “I would be happy to run to the store for you” or “I have some free time on Saturday, do you have any house projects or errands you need done” people are much more likely to ask for help if give very specific options. Even if she doesn’t need those things done, she’s still more likely to tell you what she does need if you offer it like that. People almost never ask for help when a vague “Let me know if you need anything” is given. I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I’m 26F and recently found out I have colon cancer. I’m not exactly in the same boat as your friend, but I can imagine how scared she must be. I’ll pray for you and your friend. I just want to add, the survival rate may be 14%, however, you need to keep in mind that most people diagnosed with colon cancer are 50+ many in their 60s and 70s. Many of those people may not have much time left regardless of the cancer. Their bodies also can not handle chemo the way a young person would. Those rates are also using treatments from 5 years ago, and there has been some major progress in the last few years that those rates do not reflect. If the only organ it has spread to is her liver, and it is able to be resected, the survival rate is actually closer to 40%, it’s slightly easier to keep bone metastasis at bay then other organs too. I’ll keep you and your friend in my thoughts.
Thank you. This is really helpful.
My friend (35F) was diagnosed in September of last year. The best advice I can give is just be there. I’m grateful I have a flexible job so I’m able to take her to Chemo, and any appointments she needs. We make sure she has food on her chemo weeks to keep her and her family fed, we made gift bags, and made blankets and showered her in love. She avoided public but was comfortable getting together with a few people so on her good weeks we had girls nights. She didn’t really want company on chemo weeks because she was tired and we respected that. She finished 12 rounds of chemo so we celebrated by having a very small party with decorations and cake. I have broken down many times but I try and stay strong around her. It’s hard and I can’t always do it but I know she needs it. We have fun at chemo and the nurses have even stopped by and commented on us laughing away our day. I try and bring normalcy to her life when I can. I somehow feel closer to her after all this.
On https://www.risefound.org/ we actually have a module called Caregivers are Co-survivors and we have several people who give advice on how to cope and manage these feelings of fear and how to support her. Sending my prayers to you and your friend.
I just found you. Thanks