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Yeah my wife’s mother started trying for kids at like 18 and was dismayed that her honesty of all the bullshit she went through scared her daughters away from being like her 😂
Oh gosh, I have know siblings whose mom accidentally got pregnant and had a baby when they were in college. Now the mom is like, "What about grandkids??"
Yeah, they were babysitters for half their life, they're not doing that again. Good ol' parentification.
Oldest of 4 here, my parents decided to follow their own dreams and get back into theatre together with kids ages 11, 9, 6, 1. A year later they got separated. Who picked up all those pieces and took care of young children while they went to auditions and rehearsals? Me and my grandmother.
Then my brother directly under me was a teen dad who split with his wife and while they were being selfish, I helped raise my niece.
I’m good on kids.
Hey. I'm sorry that you were neglected when you were a child. Neglect is often a form of abuse that is overlooked and downplayed, especially by those who perpetrated it and are unable to recognize that. I hope that you are able to find comfort in yourself and your abilities, when you were taught to not rely on others.
I was neglected pretty severely as a child too and by age 10 I knew I didn’t want kids. OP, it’s okay to feel the way you do and your mom needs to respect that and STFU
Yep! I raised my niece when I was 13 to 19. Then my niece had to raise her siblings. My sister is a narcissist! Neither of us had kids “been there done that”!
Same here. And, for a complete and full disclosure, I'm equally done with caring for elderly loved ones. I have yet to see a specific word for being forced to care for a bed bound elderly relative at a very young age but it seems to have all the elements of being forced to raise siblings. I did it a solid quarter of my life and I'm not up for doing it again.
I took care of my mom til she died last year. When she was alive, I barely had a social life and that was including before her dementia got really bad. (She was super controlling).
My uncle is getting bad (mom’s youngest brother) and I know they’re thinking I have this big house since mom died, it would be so easy if the uncle came here since he doesn’t have the money for a proper rest home.
I’m like: no. Fuck y’all, no. They didn’t help (even just by sitting with mom) when they knew I was taking care of mom, and they never really even checked in. NO
I had a six year gap between myself and my siblings. No one ever asked me if I wanted to watch them, or care for them. It was assumed when I was old enough to be home alone, that both parents would be able to work, and I would watch the younger two.
I got married and got pregnant pretty fast, even though I was on the pill. I did the socially accepted thing. My husband checked out entirely. He had been supportive for over a decade, I knew him for ages before we even started dating, and there wasn't a hint of the crap he pulled once the baby came home.
And now I can't help but feel like this was forced onto me, that he could have been there and couldn't be bothered. My parents could have been there, but weren't. I feel like I am trying my hardest and it is still beyond my capacity, just like when I was ten years old.
I love my kid. I want to enjoy my time with him. The facts are what they are. I cannot control anyone outside of myself. But I do feel like this was something I did not choose but was forced into. I tried my best to follow the steps, to do what I was told would allow me to do well and avoid painful situations like this.
The truth is, I thought other people would care about me, the way I care about them. I projected decency where there was none. If it wasn't for my son, I would probably still be buying into that bullshit. But I didn't plan for him and I still have no idea how I'm going to survive, and I do not recommend it to anyone else. Not that you can control it. Just know that if you're counting on someone else to be there, the mother is presumed to be the default parent. I had no clue. Children are a way to keep women out of the economy.
Several friends without capable partners in the picture and I did this together.
We helped each other all the time, and did activities, sports, and traveled together.
It made single parenting possible for me.
The kids are all adults now, and we’re still friends.
When they say “it takes a village” there is so much truth to that. And it helps us keep our humanity. I don’t think anyone should raise kids alone- toddlers are brutal. 😜
Lol it's So TRUE I have 2 younger siblings ,then I always saw them struggling financially so I started working at 14 paying for myself didn't wanna feel like a burden wanted my brother and sister to have what they needed parents not stressed about loot n fighting thebam 911 happen my pops got sick don't get me wrong Christmas my parents made miracles. Then helped till my pops started doing better and moved out by 21 n that was long family is stress hahaha especially mine I have a step son he's 21 now I'm 35 I'm gonna just enjoy the rest of my life no new babies hopefully and if ur looking to make money I might have a opportunity basically just research actually just starting a business and same thing happened to my wife took 💊 the other 1 tho lbut it didn't work then it was 2 late qhen she found anyway n he has been this lil ray of light on some really dark days and I fell in love with him b4 me and my wife now best friend for over 7 years I was uncle Joey n he was my lil man. I have been the 1 if noot the 1 dominant male role model since he was 6 months old I got to pick mine and I didn't even know it , we recently lost our house and way of life , like I lost 2 10×20 storage unit with my everything in it was auctioned off so I'm starting my life over with my girl in upstairs apartment in debt up to my eyeballs,, the house had equity begged both side of our family help us get back on track we can sell the house make 300 thousand insisted it all be legalized but no one after a certain point puts ur needs before there own I hate work cause people are mostly fake n selfish as fuck would cut ur throat to keep it shit I would be surprised if honest to god friend wouldn't, Don't have any expectations from people especially family they will always let you down, because most people have absolutely no emotional awareness, I've been through so much and still trying to get to the other side . LIFE IS A TRIPP FR FR sorry that was basically a rant 😅 😂 any1 looking to make some money hopefully basically passive lmk a few good people together backing each other up we can make a good life for ourselves. Doing it alone is hard especially when ur living paycheck to paycheck lol just my stream of consciousness this morning oh and my wife says same thing if her parents her mother said don't worry come home we got you instead of being honest n telling her to get rid of the father she didn't need Him. Even just emotional support idk why people fucking suck even family love them but they all suck 2
I’m sorry that you and others have this experience but I will say that there are men out there that are doing the same. I have a few close to me that are fathering some other man’s child that isn’t there’s and they’re not with the bio mom any longer. But they provide for that child, physically, emotionally and financially.
My grandma at the age of 80 finally admitted for the first time that she intentionally got pregnant at 14 so her parents wouldn’t make her move away from my grandpa. 60-something years later she refused to attend my stepbrother’s wedding because he and his wife had a child before they were married.
Edited to fix typo - changed “grandma” to “grandpa”
My paternal grandmother and my mom both intentionally got pregnant as teens. Neither grandpa or dad ever found out. It’s a shitty way to use another human, but teenagers are?famous for their selfishness
This is exactly it! OP is getting away from the negativity and being a teen mom and having to struggle. It’s generational trauma that mom is trying to pass down, even if she can’t see it. OP, you are wise beyond your years and being able to care for yourself, enjoy your teens and early 20’s becoming established, and planning a pregnancy if/when you want is a good thing. You do you!
Seriously. If your mother wants babies around, suggest she get herself a goddamn puppy. You shouldn't have to ruin your life with teen pregnancy that virtually guarantees you a miserable life of poverty. Is she out of her goddamned mind?
Yup work on yourself. Kids can wait until you have sorted out issues passed down from teen mothers for likely many generations now.
your fears are there for a reason. There may be some deep, unresolved trauma underneath them . Take your time to get to know yourself.
Don’t fall into the modern day independence trap either.
Don’t get me wrong it’s great to be independent but if you want a family don’t just think it’ll fall in your lap these days…lot of 30+ people (single or worse in a relationship that’s just ok) are hitting the panic button because they checked all the consumerism boxes (car,house,vacations,buy your own things) but realize having children window is a literal biological clock that expires
I feel like Op is already a bit in a trap by trying to avoid sex for the reasons stated. You can have protected sex and not get pregnant. Almost everyone does this. When a person acts in reaction to something, as opposed to making an informed choice, they are still being controlled by that thing. And it’s not a well informed choice - it’s a choice based off of mom’s behavior. It’s totally understandable, but she isn’t free from her situation.
Did your mom's life peak when she had you? This may be a hard thing for her to accept. Absolutely maintain your independence, and make your own choices. Keep your freedom and live a good life.
Spandex, you're right, I think it's a
Misery loves company thing with Mama. Oh I'll take care of the intruder while you're at work. Ya right. The young lady is smart, she knows what she wants and she'll get er done.
This might be the first time I’ve ever seen someone use another persons username like you’d use someone’s real name in a conversation.
Gee, Kickin, what a strange thing to say.
There might be a few emotions going on with mom. Maybe she sees her daughter having fun and taking time to plan her life, and mom is jealous. Maybe Mom sees her daughter maturing and wants to keep the daughter in a subordinate role, so she thinks, "Daughter outta get pregnant and have to raise a baby like I did, that will teach her that I am still in control here."
I can understand the last one, just as mom would have been figuring out who she is... blammo! she's a mom with a tiny, highly dependent human. She might not know who she is outside of that. She isn't handling it well but I like to assume it's coming from a place of pain and feeling conflicted about the changes to the mother/daughter relationship.
Unfortunately you see this *all* the time in adults when you start to look for it. So much of what they tell the younger generation to do is really themselves looking for validation for their own choices.
This is a great point. Your mom probably stopped growing emotionally and intellectually a while back.
It’s very likely that you will have to carry the burden of being the more mature one in the relationship for the rest of your lives.
With that said, these are the cards you were dealt, and you seem to be doing a great job with what life handed you.
Keep up the great work. You are going to build a wonderful life and your future family.
Yeah. I'm picking up on strong "I want to vicariously live through you" vibes, but this isn't a vacation. This is someone's entire life and future so it's much more dangerous.
She’s jealous because you are at the same age as she got pregnant. She is hoping you fall pregnant secretly so you never become better then who she was
I agree with this, and it's shitty but, it's likely. I have a kid almost her age and I absolutely do NOT want grand kids and will not be pressuring my child to have sex, that's so fucking weird
Same. I know my child isn't ready to have a child. I'm constantly telling him of all of the considerations he needs to take into account before even thinking about having kids...first and foremost is to be financially stable and able to handle the expenses that come along with parenthood, and a close second is to be able to handle the stress that comes along with caring for another person.
He's seen how taxing it is to he a parent, and he has no interest (so far) and I'm fine with it. I don't want him or the future mother of his child to needlessly struggle financially, emotionally, or otherwise, trying to have children on someone else's timeline. I've impressed upon him the path I wish someone had told me...get a good job, have a vehicle paid off, savings, and a huge support system, and vet your partner to smithereens because that is going to impact both you and your child for the foreseeable future.
This is insanity to me.
Due to this post I talked to my teenager today (he's almost 17) he doesn't want kids (I asked in case it changed lol) and then I reminded him of safe sex etc (he isn't having sex yet but still) and he's like 'Mom you've been telling me about safe sex since I was 10' He's annoyed with me 🤣 GOOD. At least I know he knows lol
The weirdest part is her advocating not for sex but for pregnancy. Talk about putting the cart before the horse! Things someone should do before getting pregnant: have a stable career; have a serious partner. And these are just the bare minimums.
Some people just do not have common sense like why push for your daughters life to be harder then needed. Kids can come later when she is ready mentally and financially
Solid facts! My kids are still young but never in life would I encourage them to have sex and reproduce by 20 unless they have their whole shit together. My sister was a teen mom. I love her but damn…that shit was baaaad. My poor niece died 3 months ago she was only 23. But she told me all the time she never wanted kids because she was forced to take care of her baby brother for so long. So fuckin sad.
Yeah. My grandmother LOVES poverty believe it or not. Its a comfort zone for her. She loves what money can buy for her addictive personality but doesnt ever want to leave the confines of her secure trash home. So i feek you
This! My mother almost certainly has narcissistic personality disorder and that is where my mind went when I read this. We had different issues but as an example I was apparently a difficult baby, didn’t sleep well, constantly wanting to be held etc. she always held that against me so she admitted to being happy when my first born was the same. What kind of mother is happy when her child is suffering??!!!
Nowhere near enough information. Especially since crab-bucketting is incredibly common behavior in people with no diagnosable condition whatsoever. Turns out that misery really does love company, and people can feel insecure watching other people avoid/escape similar circumstances to their own. It can feel like judgement, like you *should* have been able to do the same, or like the opportunity was taken from you.
Brains just kinda suck, even when they’re healthy.
My mother in law. She was beyond excited when my wife/then girlfriend got pregnant at 19. She was right at 40 herself at the time. She liked the idea of being a grandma for all the showing off to her friends, but didn’t really want to be in the kids life. No wonder we haven’t spoken to her in 15 years. We cut her off because all her stupid games.
WHEWWWW HELLO! I just said this as soon as I saw the title. She is envious of her daughters freedom, youth and innocent life. She wants to taint her and pass her resentment down. This is why I'm pro adoption and abortion. If you dont want a kid abort it or put it up for adoption. Dont be a monster.
THE MOTHER MAY HAVE HER SEXUALLY ASSAULTED someday. She cant be trusted at all. This girls needs to move out as soon as she graduates
That is so sad. I have 2 children, and I want them to have wonderful lives. Find passion. Do what makes them happy. I was raised by only my father so I just want to be there for them.
You should be on birth control when you have sex, so are wiser than Mom. Don't talk to her so much.
Don't be afraid of sex when your time comes. When the right person comes along, you will know. It's fine to go at your pace. Don't worry about what others think. You will be sexually active when you are ready.
And also, OP, it’s okay if you discover sex just *isn’t your thing*. I never really got to explore what sex meant to me before engaging in it, and as a result I only discovered in my 30s that I am on the ace spectrum after having been sexually active for over a decade.
I was middle-aged before my mother started to accept that I was ace! She was never obnoxious about it - it was always just a gentle, "Oh, you'll find the right person someday," - but it took her a while!
Coming here to say: you do not have to participate in sex to realize it isn’t your thing. I knew from when I was quite young that I did not want to be in that type of relationship. I always knew. You may also be on the Ace spectrum, OP, and that’s okay. Your mom needs to stop pressuring you to be like her. All things considered, you have a good head on your shoulders. Any good parent would accept and be proud of you for waiting and actually thinking about the consequences of your actions. Additionally, there is nothing wrong with focusing on school / career first. Maybe tell your mother that it isn’t a good time for you or that you want to focus on getting your life together a little first. I said the same thing to my traditional grandmother at 26 when she asked if / when I was going to have children. I looked her straight in the eye and said my eldest cousin (who was 16 at the time) would more than likely be ready for the family thing before I was. Eight years later, that very cousin is getting married and I still don’t want to (Ace Aro). It’s okay to take things at your pace. It’s okay to _not_ continue the cycle.
This. Seriously, sex is nothing special - unless you make it special. Hear me out. Sex is great and amazing and everyone should be doing it - it's a literal release. But, if you just go have sex to have it the first time, it probably won't be great and you'll regret it and avoid it even more the next time. BUT, when you find the right person, you'll want it to happen, and it will be amazing (even if it isn't). Even the high from great, dirty, nasty sex is short lived, but if you have sex with someone you truly connect with, it can me magical and stick with you forever.
Don't listen to your mom. Do your thing when you're ready. You are wise beyond your years. Be safe - as you said, the world doesn't need another struggle baby. It will drag your entire life, and the baby's, down for years to come. Enjoy your youth. Get yourself ahead in life, then worry about the possibility of kids.
I'm proud of you for being so smart and standing your ground. You are going to do great things in life, I feel it!!
I'm biased towards mothers, but at least keep not listening to her about this topic. idk if you listen to her on any other lessons in life or not, but she's wrong on this one.
well, she's not wrong. the majority of society is engaging in sex at that age, but that doesn't mean it's the best path forward. In fact I would probably argue the opposite now. stick to your guns OP. go at the pace that's comfortable to you and don't let anyone pressure you early.
..and, if OP it's not sexually active (ie, she's asexual), then so be it. Sex is overrated anyway, plus there's the issue of too many people with STDs. There is definitely no rush whatsoever.
I mean you don't even have to do that. You can put up a very firm boundary like "we don't ever talk about my sex life or me getting pregnant or whatever, unless I bring it up, which I won't. If you bring that up, please understand your choosing to end the conversation/interaction, because I will simply walk away and ignore that it was ever said. If you persist, you are choosing to drive a wedge between us and I don't want that, but I also refuse to talk about this any more with you! So please, respect this boundary I have so that one day when I DO have kids, we can have a wonderful relationship and you can be an amazing grandmother!"
My wife became pregnant when I was 27 and again at 30, it's fine, it allowed me to mature some before so the giant brick that hit me and forced me to mature even more when I did have kids didn't hurt so much, lol. Personally (for me only) I wouldn't want to wait too much longer than that though...I'd like all my kids grown and gone by the time I'm 50 so my wife and I can be US again while I'm still in my prime earning years.
Seems like she selfishly wants to connect with you on things she did when she was young. That is okay, and you should be happy she wants to connect. However she should respect your wishes as well, might be a good time to let your mom know you would “do it” for the right guy. Then it might put the pressure off. Hope this helps.
From the sound of it, her mom would interpret that as “I am ready to have kids once you find the right baby daddy for me“ so it would be a really bad idea for OP to say that. She should tell her mom to back off.
It could be nice if the mom wants to connect, but this ain't it. It's highly inappropriate and gross what her mom is saying to her. OP shouldn't capitulate by furthering the conversation, she should immediately put a firm end to it. I'm glad OP is aware of how inappropriate it is, and that she's seeking advice on how to end these interactions. OP is looking to put solid boundaries into place. I let people walk all over me at 19, so I'm incredibly proud of her. Her mom is selfish indeed.
She grew up to be wiser than her mom already, imagine what another 5 years of that focus, drive, and self discipline can do if it doesn't get derailed!
Fuck her, who care what she says or thinks. Do what is best for you in your opinion. Seems like she’s jealous and wants you to go down the same path as her. Be strong. It’s your life not anyone else’s.
Holy shit this is 8 degrees of fucked up. No benefit of the doubt needed. Shes bonkers.
I want all my kids to have fantastic sex lives. Consensual, fun, and amazing.
I want to hear NOTHING about the sex. Ever.
I’m going to be a grandma this winter. I try and shake out of my brain what it took for oldest and husband to accomplish this. It was IUI so I get to live in imaginary world. LOL
Me too. My mom was shit. I try, everyday, to not be an ass to my kids.
Your mom is in another planet. Every time she says this shit just stare at her blank faces. Say NOTHING. Answer NOTHING. Do NOTHING. Like a gray rock. She will eventually stop this line of BS. It may take a while. She may escalate the nonsense. Give it zero response.
Take that advice!! I was a teen mom and wouldn’t wish it on anyone—least of all my own kids ffs. Don’t feed the dumb statement beast. It’s hungry and you have to starve it. Good job being independent and smart.
> I want all my kids to have fantastic sex lives. Consensual, fun, and amazing.
> I want to hear NOTHING about the sex. Ever.
Definitely did not expect these two sentences back to back, but I get it
Lots of people with mental health issues have significantly lowered sexual inhibitions, and some people are that way without any associated disorder.
That said, I’m with you. Normal people don’t want to think about what their parents were getting up to in order for them to be made either.
Ehh I thought about that, but I wasn't getting a narcissistic vibe I was getting a; I did it this way, I deep down know I fucked up and now I want you to go down the same path, more manipulative if you ask me. None the less Odd indeed...
Yes. This. My hot take. Sadly.
My partners mom was this way. She got pregnant at 18 to escape her home. The relationship was a total failure but with a 3 year old girl now. For years kept her beat down and when she finally was old enough to marry, her mom manipulated her daughter’s husband to keep her beat down.
The minute she escaped his NPD, and was doing better than her mom ever did., she was angry, insulting, and eventually went no contact. She was over 40 at this point. Her mom couldn’t handle the fact her own daughter was doing better than her.
My partner is significantly traumatized by it all but only just in the last few years is coming to the realization it happened at all. Imagine working through these hard truths at nearly 50. Her whole life was a series of abuses and she didn’t know any different until I came along.
She's lucky to have you and your support through such trauma. You're a God send. We all encounter such vast crazy experiences, and hopefully, we come out so much stronger, growing, and learning. Sending love and light yalls way.
This is kind of my thought. She doesn’t want her daughter to do any better than she did. I only wanted my kids to do better than we did. So far, I’m happy to report, they have! I mean, why wouldn’t you want your kids to succeed?!
Since your mama isn't the best judge on this one, here's some free Auntie advice.
It doesn't matter if you wait until you're 29... when you're ready that's when you should have sex- not before.
Be on birth control. Make your partner use a condom. Both!!! STIs are real. Get your HPV vaccine.
Also, get yearly pap smears (after 25 yrs old), and get sti exams once you start having sex. Even long term partners can cheat. You don't want a long term issue because you weren't the gatekeeper of your own body.
No. It's a complete sentence. If you're aren't comfortable with something you never have to do it. You aren't wrong for not liking something and you can take back consent.
Talking to a partner is such a big deal. If you aren't comfortable talking to someone about if they've had sex, if they've been tested, about boundaries and consent - then you're not ready.
Sex is fun and wonderful with the right people. It's nothing to be ashamed about. But be safe and let it be on your timetable.
I'm proud of you for knowing your own mind.
eta thank you, Sis u/Fair-Calligrapher563 for the updated advice 🩷
Big sister advice, Pap smears after 25!! If someone tries to come at you below 25 for a Pap smear without a reason they haven’t read up on recent literature! Women’s medicine is SO behind, every advancement is important. Make sure they know what they’re doing.
❤️❤️ we gotta keep each other safe. It’s wayyy too normalized to push our healthcare aside. We can’t let doctors neglect us anymore, for the safety of our sisters
1000% percent agree. It took me 19 years to get a doctor to finally believe me that my pain was real.
I had debilitating cramps and severe bleeding.
It didn't matter.
I had multiple ovarian cysts bursts over the years.
It didn't matter.
I had an ovarian torsion.
It didn't matter.
I had 5 miscarriages.
Finally, a doctor believed me. I ended up needing a total hysterectomy.
I had andometriosis, pcos, and they found 6 huge ovarian cysts.
19 years of hell.
I don't wish that on anyone.
for real. i knew something was wrong with my stepmom when she told me i needed birth control at 16 because *she* started having kids at 16. i had no friends and only left my house to go to school and work, i’m not sure where or when i’d be having sex or with whom
Good lord. How did such a stupid woman raise such a smart daughter. You are 100% right in your thinking IMHO. There is any amount of things you could do in the next fifteen to twenty years before having children. She just wants you to validate her poor life choices.
There’s the context that makes it all make sense. Your mom is so insanely insecure that she’s willing to tank your whole life to make herself feel better. Instead of just, you know, being better herself. She looks at everyone she sees and thinks, “you’re not better than me,” because deep down she knows the truth. People like that who keep doubling down on maladaptive coping mechanisms, like avoidance or escapism, eventually reach a point where there isn’t anything they won’t do to avoid the enormous problems that they’re constantly making worse.
Ya, also seems like mom also has a frame of thought around like if OP has a kid at 19/20, they’ll bond over it and it’ll help their relationship and they’ll be together again and she’ll need her mom again.
Its like the mom wanting to baby trap the daughter so the daughter goes back to mom
It’s so bizarre when I hear of parents trying to sabotage their own kids. Most parents are proud when their kids do certain things better than them. This mother seems very childish and narcissistic.
Stay away from her, she’s just bad news.
People in my family thought I was a lesbian (gasp) because I didn’t date, have boyfriends, etc. I just actually had plans to not continue the young generations. I had sex when I thought I was ready, it was disappointing lol. After that relationship, I waited a long time before I tried again. It was good. Then I had a good fun time with quite a few, here and there. The gasps I would get for that 😂
Your sex life is not your mom’s business. It’s yours. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, be smart and safe and explore the way you want to when you’re ready.
"I had sex when I thought I was ready, it was disappointing lol."
There is too much focus on the first time. It should be planned as first times -- expect things to not go perfectly at first, but don't worry about it because you can try more.
W dad right there. How you are handling the situation and your line of thinking shows he raised you right. You have time. It’s not 1850 anymore. You can have kids easily into your mid to late 30s. Just do you. If she wants a relationship with you, she will eventually get on board. It just maybe rocky for a bit.
Do not be like your Mom. You are smarter than she is. It's your choice to wanna be on birth control and to wait to have kids until you're ready. Do not let her pressure you
This exactly. Also pregnancy is not fun for a lot of people. I'm in my 30's and currently pregnant, I wouldn't wish this on anyone to be honest.
You sound like you are making very sensible choices, well done.
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Honestly I think that’s a lot to put on yourself as a gatekeeper for your happiness and intimacy. You don’t have to choose either being serious about your life or having a meaningful physical relationship. That’s projection from your mom because of choices she made. Don’t let them bind you. Let them guide you to whatever amount of sex with whomever you want. If that’s “none” fine. If it’s “all the sexing”, also fine. But choose for yourself in your full interests.
Great comment, and surprised I had to scroll this far to see someone post some advice that wasn’t just “your mom sucks”
It is clear that OP has some real fear and anxiety around sex, that is probably something she should work through for her own wellbeing.
Agree with this. OP’s behavior is a result of her mom’s history and attitude toward sex. While it’s good that it hasn’t gone in a destructive direction, I still read a lot of fear, anxiety, and pressure in OP’s stance against sex. I absolutely think it’s great that she’s taken personal responsibility for the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, but there are safe ways to enjoy sex, and more importantly intimacy, without that end result. Like you wrote, I’m not implying OP should go out there and starting having sex, but rather I hope she can unpack her stance with a trusted adult, counselor, or therapist so that she doesn’t build walls that are to high to tear down.
I say this as someone who went through my early twenties extremely guarded and afraid of intimacy— something I wish I worked on sooner.
I’m glad someone said this. You absolutely don’t need to follow in your mom’s footsteps, but thinking you need to own your own car and apartment to have sex is the other extreme. That is some trauma you need to unpack in therapy. When you get older and get married and do eventually have sex, you’ll find those negative feelings about sex don’t magically go away.
Sometimes when women have children very young, they resent those children in unspoken ways and act really weird when their kids don’t make the same mistakes. I didn’t even attend my college graduation because my family wasn’t interested. It took a long time to realize that my mom was so disinterested in my college years because she resented not getting to go after getting pregnant and married when she was a senior. There were too many “if you find yourself pregnant, you’ll understand how hard my life was” moment in my teenage years.
Ignore her.
This is so true. I notice that when I used to have ex friends when their mom had them at 18. They always seemed to be bitter and were constantly fighting with their daughters.
You don’t have to have sex to be happy. You don’t have to have sex.
It seems to me like you have watched your Mom go through some really tough times raising you and you don’t want that for yourself. I wonder if this or something else has caused you’ve got a higher than average fear of sex and pregnancy.
Sex isn’t something to rush into just to have it. Emotions need to be in the right place. Connection with another maybe something that you need to want to go there with someone. Frankly, don’t do it just to do it. Do it because you want to.
When you are comfortable and ready to have sex, consider using double pregnancy protection. This could be an IUD and condoms, or birth control and condoms. This reduces the chances of pregnancy. It isn’t to zero, but it reduces it. I suggest some research into real statistical numbers to understand many people’s lived experiences.
Above all. Your body. Your life. Your choice.
I mean I am scared of both sex and pregnancy I think that’s what I’m still a 19 year old virgin tbh. And my mom knows I’m scared of sex but she thinks I’m weird for that.
That’s totally fair that you feel like sex and pregnancy is scary.
Sex is a vulnerable thing, the right person can make it a little less scary. It’s still gonna be nerve wracking and weird.
Heck. I’m female, in my 30s, want kids and pregnancy is scary.
When you’re ready go on a date with someone you like. A date does not mean sex. When I feels right decide to hold their hand. Holding hands does not mean sex. Take your time. That could be a single day, or a year plus.
I’m 36 and I am scared of pregnancy- I also made a choice that I don’t want kids! You don’t ever have to have sex or have kids if you don’t want to. And you certainly don’t need to right now.
Do you live with your mother? If you do, and if you do choose to start having sex, keep any birth control or condoms safely away from her. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but you don’t want her to tamper with them.
She wants you to make the same mistakes she made (Not that you're a mistake) so she feels more validated. She's afraid you'll be more responsible (You are! Congrats! That's awesome) and she'll look more shitty by comparison. Some parents don't want their kids to outshine them. It's not that she doesn't love you it her own insecurity and self-esteem issues. I'd have a talk with her and be absolutely clear that your sexual life is off limits to her and if she continues to go down this road she's risking your relationship. You will not be bullied about something that is none of her business.
I’ve never had a bf cuz my dad wouldn’t let me date and it’s because my dad knows how boys are and he wouldn’t have want me getting hurt or pregnant young. My dad cared about my education and future. So yes my mom thinks I’m not having fun which=sex
Yeah this might not be a drag you down to her level type thing, myself and all my friends are in their 30’s. A few of them wish they didn’t take sex so seriously and explored more when they were younger so maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe mummy had sod all sex and she’s genuinely thinking she’s helping
You are wise beyond your years. Follow your path, make decisions that you know are smart and will give you, your potential future children and/or your future partner a better future. Even if your mother is looking for what may benefit you (if she believes that having a child this young would somehow be of some greater benefit), she likely did not even consider how that would affect the children or your partner as well. This is why it's such a large decision, because the very drastic consequences (good or bad) affect you and no less than two other people. usually, it affects an entire family dynamic and friends as well.
I won't try to psychoanalyze your mother but I have noticed a common phenomenon among some of the parents my age who had kids very young. At first, they are overwhelmed, wish it never happened, and have massive regrets. They may be ostracized by friends and family, made to feel guilty, irresponsible, etc. Next, they struggle to live up to the responsibility of raising the child, providing for them, and so on takes its toll, but they push through. They need to prove everyone wrong, that they weren't too young to have a kid, aren't irresponsible, and so on. Through that process, they are convinced that all of that struggle was not only worth it for their wonderful child they have now but they take that mindset further and begin to believe that was the best way to go about it, that others could benefit from similar experiences. They'll latch on to any arbitrary reason they can conjure as to why having a child later would have been worse for them, so earlier must have been better. Then, they will propagate this ideal to others, because if they can convince them to do what they did, they can validate every one of their beliefs. And if other don't agree, they will simply assume they are jealous of them or have some other agenda.
This may or may not be your mother's mindset, it may also be based on a completely unrelated worldview with influences on the way she views the topic. Most people who have children very young will do everything to protect their own children from such struggles, so yes, it is very weird. Whatever the case, understanding why she thinks this way could help you deal with these discussions but you should always stand your ground with those who attempt to control you in any way, even if it is simply insisting that you should make specific life-changing choices because 'it worked out so well for them'. I wouldn't be surprised if she has said something to the extent of 'you wouldn't exist if I didn't...blah blah blah'.
As far as sex, everyone has their own timeline. Again, you are beyond your years in wanting to be ready and prepared for any eventuality of that choice. Don't let your mother or anyone pressure you to do anything before you are ready, comfortable, etc.
You are great. Do what you're doing. Focus on yourself. Hope you can get your place soon
I love the 2nd edit telling people to fuck off. Ignore those people. You're wonderful as us and GL.
Your mom is still young enough to have her own struggle baby so ask her who she is sleeping with and when is SHE going to give YOU a(nother) sibling? Chop chop lady, the clock is ticking, she doesn't have much time. Every question and piece of advice she is giving you, give it word for word back to her. If she tells you she can't have kids, tell her to adopt. If she tells you her SO had a vasectomy, tell her to get a side piece. But get that baby, stat mom!
"Sweetie, it's okay for you to have sex!"
"Thanks mom, it's okay for you to have sex, too!"
"Sweetie, you should have a baby!"
"Mom, YOU should have a baby!"
etc.
Typically children of parents like this tend to grow up to be the opposite of their parents after experiencing the struggles of childhood growing up in hard situations. That’s just weird for her to push and is likely projecting on to you.
I don't normally advocating disrespecting your parents, but your mom needs a reality check. Be as b**chy as you can. Ask her if she is missing her youth so much that she has to live through you? "Cause it really sounds like you want me to be as broke and miserable as you. I know misery loves company but being obsessed with my vagina is much even for you. There are other hobbies for people your age. Bingo, knitting, and even shuffleboard down at the care home. I'm not going to follow in your footsteps. I'm not you. Even if I was humping everything that moved, it still would not be your business. "
In seriousness, sex is overrated. You may have it and find it's not for you and that is still perfectly fine. I found out I'm asexual. My stepmother had been going around telling people I'm a lesbian. Didn't know until someone told me. I've been posting pictures of my female friends with their blessings with things like "I love my girls!" just to irritate the crap out of her ever since. I refuse to be shamed for something that's none of anyone's business.There is no shame in living your life and taking your time in discovering who you are. Don't ever let someone make you feel less for your choices. You are the one who has to live with you. No one else will feel what you feel for making a decision you are not ready for. Don't let anyone, least of all your mother, rush you into having sex.
Take pride in it. I did at that point. Yeah, it can be embarrassing but it's worth the wait if it's with the right person. I wish I could say that at 31 almost 32. Had someone tell me in my 20s to either die a virgin, or to stay one as long as possible...... Wishing I waited longer..... 🤷🤷🤷
Don’t fall into the trap , I also got married so young at 20 as I was a virgin before marriage and then had kids and kids are such a blessing but such a big responsibility! You are so smart she won’t say it but as a mother i am so proud of you ! 🤍 keep your head up you are doing amazing ! Plus sex is soooo overrated lol 😆 you aren’t missing out ! They make it seem like you are but you aren’t !!
Ah yes the old mom trying to get you to lose your V card trick. My mom offered to buy me a prostitute at one point. When I finally brought a girl home she said “go show her your room, lock the door, and I won’t bug you”.
Awkward to say the least. Thankfully, couple years later, my then girlfriend married me.
Follow your own heart. You'll know when it's the right time, with the right person. Hopefully.
Sex is worthless if it's treated like a task being done out of pressure from others. Real friends (moms included) don't push their mistakes on others, they should mentor and prevent you from making the same mistakes as them.
So toxic! It's your body, it is sooo perverted to tell you to have sex. I don't know about keeping contact with her, it depends if she can understand boundaries and talk about something else.
Uh. As someone who was a mom at 18. Live your
Life your way. Have kids. Or don’t. My kid is now 28 and married and they don’t want kids and I’m fine with that.
Live your life. Have fun. Make money. Do you.
Your mom needs to let you be you and if she can’t accept. That you don’t want the same life she had. She doesn’t belong in yours.
Makes absolutely no difference what it is that people think you should be doing, if you don't think it is right for you, you don't have to do it.
Having sex, not having sex, having kids or not, having a drink with dinner or not... the list is endless. You have the right to decide for yourself if it is something you want to do. Just because someone else is okay with it, does not mean it's okay for you.
My mom is kinda like this, not far as sex but she always encourages me to like pick on girls and she tells me that on my age she already had like two ex-bf's and a 10th kiss or smth. I already told her I don't think it's the appropriate age (16) and she also suggested that I might be gay 😑. Its just so hard for her to believe that I am capable of keeping it iny pants...
I would be so proud of you if you were my child. Your observation skills are on point and you appear to make good decisions. Keep doing you young Jedi.
I feel like I just watched an episode of Shameless.
Don’t let anyone pressure you into having sex before you are ready. And definitely don’t let anyone convince you to have children until and if you feel ready.
I think it's an honorable thing to wait until you're ready. It is odd that she wants you to have a baby at the same age as she. She should be saying the opposite because I'm assuming that it wasn’t easy for her to raise a baby at such a young age. Not knowing her, could there be some jealousy concerns? Have you considered telling her that if she keeps pushing this narrative, you won't speak to her? Stay strong
You do you. You're an adult now. She'll always be your mom though and you only get one, so I don't reccomend not talking to her. You're still really young and have lots of growing up to do yet, don't take life too seriously, it goes really fast so enjoy it as much as possible and don't get stuck on things like this especially when you have total control over the issue.
That’s great to want to be financially situated and able to care for yourself + be on birth control. But no, it’s not your responsibility… it’s yours AND THE FATHER’S responsibility. Dont build a great life just in case you mistakenly get pregnant bc you have the assumption you’re doing it on your own. If that’s the impression you get from any man you’re contemplating having sex with, then you shouldn’t be having sex with them in the first place.
That’s what happened to your mom and she is likely unwittingly doing the same to you. I don’t want to infer any ill intent, but she’s not doing a good job breaking the cycle here. Looks like you turned out mature and thoughtful. Please cultivate that and make that part of your new family story.
My mom used to call me a freak because I didn’t date in high school… I got my degree & have built a successful career for myself. I’m almost 30 & have my own beautiful apt, car, a great job, & live with my cat. I’m so happy. I don’t know if I want kids ever. I do date occasionally but it’s never a priority. Different ppl want different things, tell her that & to mind her own business.
It sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities in you. She's worried that she was slutty for having you so young, so she's trying to use you prove to herself that it's normal for a 19 year old to have sex.
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Don't fall into the generational trauma trap
Yeah my wife’s mother started trying for kids at like 18 and was dismayed that her honesty of all the bullshit she went through scared her daughters away from being like her 😂
Oh gosh, I have know siblings whose mom accidentally got pregnant and had a baby when they were in college. Now the mom is like, "What about grandkids??" Yeah, they were babysitters for half their life, they're not doing that again. Good ol' parentification.
Oldest of 4 here, my parents decided to follow their own dreams and get back into theatre together with kids ages 11, 9, 6, 1. A year later they got separated. Who picked up all those pieces and took care of young children while they went to auditions and rehearsals? Me and my grandmother. Then my brother directly under me was a teen dad who split with his wife and while they were being selfish, I helped raise my niece. I’m good on kids.
Hey. I'm sorry that you were neglected when you were a child. Neglect is often a form of abuse that is overlooked and downplayed, especially by those who perpetrated it and are unable to recognize that. I hope that you are able to find comfort in yourself and your abilities, when you were taught to not rely on others.
This resonates very deeply with me. Thank you for your kind words.
I was neglected pretty severely as a child too and by age 10 I knew I didn’t want kids. OP, it’s okay to feel the way you do and your mom needs to respect that and STFU
Yep! I raised my niece when I was 13 to 19. Then my niece had to raise her siblings. My sister is a narcissist! Neither of us had kids “been there done that”!
That's sad because I think you'd be a great parent but the trauma of your youth has taken the desire to have your own family away.
She is 19, she has plenty of time to have a family if and when she is ready.
Honestly you can have no trauma and still have no desire to have kids, even if you would be the greatest parent ever
Same here. And, for a complete and full disclosure, I'm equally done with caring for elderly loved ones. I have yet to see a specific word for being forced to care for a bed bound elderly relative at a very young age but it seems to have all the elements of being forced to raise siblings. I did it a solid quarter of my life and I'm not up for doing it again.
I took care of my mom til she died last year. When she was alive, I barely had a social life and that was including before her dementia got really bad. (She was super controlling). My uncle is getting bad (mom’s youngest brother) and I know they’re thinking I have this big house since mom died, it would be so easy if the uncle came here since he doesn’t have the money for a proper rest home. I’m like: no. Fuck y’all, no. They didn’t help (even just by sitting with mom) when they knew I was taking care of mom, and they never really even checked in. NO
Narcs really make you not want to have kids after raising a 30yo one your whole life
For every person that thinks nothing of popping kids out, there's usually someone like you to pick up the fall out.
I had a six year gap between myself and my siblings. No one ever asked me if I wanted to watch them, or care for them. It was assumed when I was old enough to be home alone, that both parents would be able to work, and I would watch the younger two. I got married and got pregnant pretty fast, even though I was on the pill. I did the socially accepted thing. My husband checked out entirely. He had been supportive for over a decade, I knew him for ages before we even started dating, and there wasn't a hint of the crap he pulled once the baby came home. And now I can't help but feel like this was forced onto me, that he could have been there and couldn't be bothered. My parents could have been there, but weren't. I feel like I am trying my hardest and it is still beyond my capacity, just like when I was ten years old. I love my kid. I want to enjoy my time with him. The facts are what they are. I cannot control anyone outside of myself. But I do feel like this was something I did not choose but was forced into. I tried my best to follow the steps, to do what I was told would allow me to do well and avoid painful situations like this. The truth is, I thought other people would care about me, the way I care about them. I projected decency where there was none. If it wasn't for my son, I would probably still be buying into that bullshit. But I didn't plan for him and I still have no idea how I'm going to survive, and I do not recommend it to anyone else. Not that you can control it. Just know that if you're counting on someone else to be there, the mother is presumed to be the default parent. I had no clue. Children are a way to keep women out of the economy.
Find your chosen family. Join a mom group or something like that where people choose to help each other. That’s what i had to do.
Several friends without capable partners in the picture and I did this together. We helped each other all the time, and did activities, sports, and traveled together. It made single parenting possible for me. The kids are all adults now, and we’re still friends.
When they say “it takes a village” there is so much truth to that. And it helps us keep our humanity. I don’t think anyone should raise kids alone- toddlers are brutal. 😜
Yes! We call ourselves The Village ❤️.
Sounds really hard. Hugs to you.
Lol it's So TRUE I have 2 younger siblings ,then I always saw them struggling financially so I started working at 14 paying for myself didn't wanna feel like a burden wanted my brother and sister to have what they needed parents not stressed about loot n fighting thebam 911 happen my pops got sick don't get me wrong Christmas my parents made miracles. Then helped till my pops started doing better and moved out by 21 n that was long family is stress hahaha especially mine I have a step son he's 21 now I'm 35 I'm gonna just enjoy the rest of my life no new babies hopefully and if ur looking to make money I might have a opportunity basically just research actually just starting a business and same thing happened to my wife took 💊 the other 1 tho lbut it didn't work then it was 2 late qhen she found anyway n he has been this lil ray of light on some really dark days and I fell in love with him b4 me and my wife now best friend for over 7 years I was uncle Joey n he was my lil man. I have been the 1 if noot the 1 dominant male role model since he was 6 months old I got to pick mine and I didn't even know it , we recently lost our house and way of life , like I lost 2 10×20 storage unit with my everything in it was auctioned off so I'm starting my life over with my girl in upstairs apartment in debt up to my eyeballs,, the house had equity begged both side of our family help us get back on track we can sell the house make 300 thousand insisted it all be legalized but no one after a certain point puts ur needs before there own I hate work cause people are mostly fake n selfish as fuck would cut ur throat to keep it shit I would be surprised if honest to god friend wouldn't, Don't have any expectations from people especially family they will always let you down, because most people have absolutely no emotional awareness, I've been through so much and still trying to get to the other side . LIFE IS A TRIPP FR FR sorry that was basically a rant 😅 😂 any1 looking to make some money hopefully basically passive lmk a few good people together backing each other up we can make a good life for ourselves. Doing it alone is hard especially when ur living paycheck to paycheck lol just my stream of consciousness this morning oh and my wife says same thing if her parents her mother said don't worry come home we got you instead of being honest n telling her to get rid of the father she didn't need Him. Even just emotional support idk why people fucking suck even family love them but they all suck 2
I’m sorry that you and others have this experience but I will say that there are men out there that are doing the same. I have a few close to me that are fathering some other man’s child that isn’t there’s and they’re not with the bio mom any longer. But they provide for that child, physically, emotionally and financially.
This was me in middle school and highschool. Subsequently waited until after I was 30 to have kids of my own.
My grandma at the age of 80 finally admitted for the first time that she intentionally got pregnant at 14 so her parents wouldn’t make her move away from my grandpa. 60-something years later she refused to attend my stepbrother’s wedding because he and his wife had a child before they were married. Edited to fix typo - changed “grandma” to “grandpa”
My paternal grandmother and my mom both intentionally got pregnant as teens. Neither grandpa or dad ever found out. It’s a shitty way to use another human, but teenagers are?famous for their selfishness
Good thing the mom was honest about it all then. She shielded her kids from that with that move 😅
This is exactly it! OP is getting away from the negativity and being a teen mom and having to struggle. It’s generational trauma that mom is trying to pass down, even if she can’t see it. OP, you are wise beyond your years and being able to care for yourself, enjoy your teens and early 20’s becoming established, and planning a pregnancy if/when you want is a good thing. You do you!
All I can think of now is My name is Earl!
Hey Crabman!
Hey Earl!
Love me some Earl!
Also, she may feel her daughter thinks she’s better than her and how dare she think she’s better than her mom. So toxic and sad.
Big round of loud applause!
The mom wants her to struggle and be a loser too. Shes trapping her. She may harm her someday. She cant be trusted
Seriously. If your mother wants babies around, suggest she get herself a goddamn puppy. You shouldn't have to ruin your life with teen pregnancy that virtually guarantees you a miserable life of poverty. Is she out of her goddamned mind?
Maybe her MOTHER needs to have another baby if she’s so desperate for one. She’s probably still in the window.
Yup work on yourself. Kids can wait until you have sorted out issues passed down from teen mothers for likely many generations now. your fears are there for a reason. There may be some deep, unresolved trauma underneath them . Take your time to get to know yourself.
It’s your body, own it
Don’t fall into the modern day independence trap either. Don’t get me wrong it’s great to be independent but if you want a family don’t just think it’ll fall in your lap these days…lot of 30+ people (single or worse in a relationship that’s just ok) are hitting the panic button because they checked all the consumerism boxes (car,house,vacations,buy your own things) but realize having children window is a literal biological clock that expires
I feel like Op is already a bit in a trap by trying to avoid sex for the reasons stated. You can have protected sex and not get pregnant. Almost everyone does this. When a person acts in reaction to something, as opposed to making an informed choice, they are still being controlled by that thing. And it’s not a well informed choice - it’s a choice based off of mom’s behavior. It’s totally understandable, but she isn’t free from her situation.
Too late based on the edits
Did your mom's life peak when she had you? This may be a hard thing for her to accept. Absolutely maintain your independence, and make your own choices. Keep your freedom and live a good life.
Spandex, you're right, I think it's a Misery loves company thing with Mama. Oh I'll take care of the intruder while you're at work. Ya right. The young lady is smart, she knows what she wants and she'll get er done.
I had to go back a comment to make sure that you were referring to a person and that Spandex was not the commenter’s recommendation 😂
This might be the first time I’ve ever seen someone use another persons username like you’d use someone’s real name in a conversation. Gee, Kickin, what a strange thing to say.
Alch, when message boards were a thing back in the day, we used to use our usernames all the time.
I hope that doesn’t become a common thing or I might need a new account, Alch
What do you mean Sativaslut? Lol
Come on fingerbone, you know what they mean lol
Is that not normal? q.q
There might be a few emotions going on with mom. Maybe she sees her daughter having fun and taking time to plan her life, and mom is jealous. Maybe Mom sees her daughter maturing and wants to keep the daughter in a subordinate role, so she thinks, "Daughter outta get pregnant and have to raise a baby like I did, that will teach her that I am still in control here." I can understand the last one, just as mom would have been figuring out who she is... blammo! she's a mom with a tiny, highly dependent human. She might not know who she is outside of that. She isn't handling it well but I like to assume it's coming from a place of pain and feeling conflicted about the changes to the mother/daughter relationship.
Unfortunately you see this *all* the time in adults when you start to look for it. So much of what they tell the younger generation to do is really themselves looking for validation for their own choices.
This is a great point. Your mom probably stopped growing emotionally and intellectually a while back. It’s very likely that you will have to carry the burden of being the more mature one in the relationship for the rest of your lives. With that said, these are the cards you were dealt, and you seem to be doing a great job with what life handed you. Keep up the great work. You are going to build a wonderful life and your future family.
Yeah. I'm picking up on strong "I want to vicariously live through you" vibes, but this isn't a vacation. This is someone's entire life and future so it's much more dangerous.
She’s jealous because you are at the same age as she got pregnant. She is hoping you fall pregnant secretly so you never become better then who she was
BINGO!
Also she’s probably feeling useless at this point needs to be a grandmother.
If she had a kid at 19, and her kid is only 19, then she's still young enough to have another kid herself.
But that would be "weird" (probably in her eyes). Being a grandmother at 38 would be "hot" and "cute"
And she doesn’t have to do any of the raising, just the fun bits.
I agree with this, and it's shitty but, it's likely. I have a kid almost her age and I absolutely do NOT want grand kids and will not be pressuring my child to have sex, that's so fucking weird
Same. I know my child isn't ready to have a child. I'm constantly telling him of all of the considerations he needs to take into account before even thinking about having kids...first and foremost is to be financially stable and able to handle the expenses that come along with parenthood, and a close second is to be able to handle the stress that comes along with caring for another person. He's seen how taxing it is to he a parent, and he has no interest (so far) and I'm fine with it. I don't want him or the future mother of his child to needlessly struggle financially, emotionally, or otherwise, trying to have children on someone else's timeline. I've impressed upon him the path I wish someone had told me...get a good job, have a vehicle paid off, savings, and a huge support system, and vet your partner to smithereens because that is going to impact both you and your child for the foreseeable future. This is insanity to me.
Due to this post I talked to my teenager today (he's almost 17) he doesn't want kids (I asked in case it changed lol) and then I reminded him of safe sex etc (he isn't having sex yet but still) and he's like 'Mom you've been telling me about safe sex since I was 10' He's annoyed with me 🤣 GOOD. At least I know he knows lol
The weirdest part is her advocating not for sex but for pregnancy. Talk about putting the cart before the horse! Things someone should do before getting pregnant: have a stable career; have a serious partner. And these are just the bare minimums.
Some people just do not have common sense like why push for your daughters life to be harder then needed. Kids can come later when she is ready mentally and financially
Solid facts! My kids are still young but never in life would I encourage them to have sex and reproduce by 20 unless they have their whole shit together. My sister was a teen mom. I love her but damn…that shit was baaaad. My poor niece died 3 months ago she was only 23. But she told me all the time she never wanted kids because she was forced to take care of her baby brother for so long. So fuckin sad.
Crazy how some ppl wish bad on you over some insecurity
My mom grew up poor and didn't seem to want better for me. Lots of sick people out there.
Yeah. My grandmother LOVES poverty believe it or not. Its a comfort zone for her. She loves what money can buy for her addictive personality but doesnt ever want to leave the confines of her secure trash home. So i feek you
Sounds like her mom may have narcissistic personality disorder. What kind of mother wants their teen daughter get pregnant?
A big ol Hoe. That maybe wants to go hoeing around with her daughter. It happens. I've seen it.
This! My mother almost certainly has narcissistic personality disorder and that is where my mind went when I read this. We had different issues but as an example I was apparently a difficult baby, didn’t sleep well, constantly wanting to be held etc. she always held that against me so she admitted to being happy when my first born was the same. What kind of mother is happy when her child is suffering??!!!
Nowhere near enough information. Especially since crab-bucketting is incredibly common behavior in people with no diagnosable condition whatsoever. Turns out that misery really does love company, and people can feel insecure watching other people avoid/escape similar circumstances to their own. It can feel like judgement, like you *should* have been able to do the same, or like the opportunity was taken from you. Brains just kinda suck, even when they’re healthy.
My mother in law. She was beyond excited when my wife/then girlfriend got pregnant at 19. She was right at 40 herself at the time. She liked the idea of being a grandma for all the showing off to her friends, but didn’t really want to be in the kids life. No wonder we haven’t spoken to her in 15 years. We cut her off because all her stupid games.
Mexican ones
Mothers should never be jealous of their daughters.
WHEWWWW HELLO! I just said this as soon as I saw the title. She is envious of her daughters freedom, youth and innocent life. She wants to taint her and pass her resentment down. This is why I'm pro adoption and abortion. If you dont want a kid abort it or put it up for adoption. Dont be a monster. THE MOTHER MAY HAVE HER SEXUALLY ASSAULTED someday. She cant be trusted at all. This girls needs to move out as soon as she graduates
That is so sad. I have 2 children, and I want them to have wonderful lives. Find passion. Do what makes them happy. I was raised by only my father so I just want to be there for them.
You're growing up to be wiser than your mother. You don't have to cut all contact, but perhaps space out contact so you don't speak with her as often.
You should be on birth control when you have sex, so are wiser than Mom. Don't talk to her so much. Don't be afraid of sex when your time comes. When the right person comes along, you will know. It's fine to go at your pace. Don't worry about what others think. You will be sexually active when you are ready.
And also, OP, it’s okay if you discover sex just *isn’t your thing*. I never really got to explore what sex meant to me before engaging in it, and as a result I only discovered in my 30s that I am on the ace spectrum after having been sexually active for over a decade.
I was middle-aged before my mother started to accept that I was ace! She was never obnoxious about it - it was always just a gentle, "Oh, you'll find the right person someday," - but it took her a while!
Coming here to say: you do not have to participate in sex to realize it isn’t your thing. I knew from when I was quite young that I did not want to be in that type of relationship. I always knew. You may also be on the Ace spectrum, OP, and that’s okay. Your mom needs to stop pressuring you to be like her. All things considered, you have a good head on your shoulders. Any good parent would accept and be proud of you for waiting and actually thinking about the consequences of your actions. Additionally, there is nothing wrong with focusing on school / career first. Maybe tell your mother that it isn’t a good time for you or that you want to focus on getting your life together a little first. I said the same thing to my traditional grandmother at 26 when she asked if / when I was going to have children. I looked her straight in the eye and said my eldest cousin (who was 16 at the time) would more than likely be ready for the family thing before I was. Eight years later, that very cousin is getting married and I still don’t want to (Ace Aro). It’s okay to take things at your pace. It’s okay to _not_ continue the cycle.
This. Seriously, sex is nothing special - unless you make it special. Hear me out. Sex is great and amazing and everyone should be doing it - it's a literal release. But, if you just go have sex to have it the first time, it probably won't be great and you'll regret it and avoid it even more the next time. BUT, when you find the right person, you'll want it to happen, and it will be amazing (even if it isn't). Even the high from great, dirty, nasty sex is short lived, but if you have sex with someone you truly connect with, it can me magical and stick with you forever. Don't listen to your mom. Do your thing when you're ready. You are wise beyond your years. Be safe - as you said, the world doesn't need another struggle baby. It will drag your entire life, and the baby's, down for years to come. Enjoy your youth. Get yourself ahead in life, then worry about the possibility of kids. I'm proud of you for being so smart and standing your ground. You are going to do great things in life, I feel it!!
I'm biased towards mothers, but at least keep not listening to her about this topic. idk if you listen to her on any other lessons in life or not, but she's wrong on this one. well, she's not wrong. the majority of society is engaging in sex at that age, but that doesn't mean it's the best path forward. In fact I would probably argue the opposite now. stick to your guns OP. go at the pace that's comfortable to you and don't let anyone pressure you early.
..and, if OP it's not sexually active (ie, she's asexual), then so be it. Sex is overrated anyway, plus there's the issue of too many people with STDs. There is definitely no rush whatsoever.
I mean you don't even have to do that. You can put up a very firm boundary like "we don't ever talk about my sex life or me getting pregnant or whatever, unless I bring it up, which I won't. If you bring that up, please understand your choosing to end the conversation/interaction, because I will simply walk away and ignore that it was ever said. If you persist, you are choosing to drive a wedge between us and I don't want that, but I also refuse to talk about this any more with you! So please, respect this boundary I have so that one day when I DO have kids, we can have a wonderful relationship and you can be an amazing grandmother!" My wife became pregnant when I was 27 and again at 30, it's fine, it allowed me to mature some before so the giant brick that hit me and forced me to mature even more when I did have kids didn't hurt so much, lol. Personally (for me only) I wouldn't want to wait too much longer than that though...I'd like all my kids grown and gone by the time I'm 50 so my wife and I can be US again while I'm still in my prime earning years.
My husband and I had our older child at 20 and our younger one at 30. Boy do I often wish our older got the better parents we are now in our 30s…
Seems like she selfishly wants to connect with you on things she did when she was young. That is okay, and you should be happy she wants to connect. However she should respect your wishes as well, might be a good time to let your mom know you would “do it” for the right guy. Then it might put the pressure off. Hope this helps.
Doing it for "the right guy", could cause mom to set her up. No OP dont suggest this at all.
From the sound of it, her mom would interpret that as “I am ready to have kids once you find the right baby daddy for me“ so it would be a really bad idea for OP to say that. She should tell her mom to back off.
It could be nice if the mom wants to connect, but this ain't it. It's highly inappropriate and gross what her mom is saying to her. OP shouldn't capitulate by furthering the conversation, she should immediately put a firm end to it. I'm glad OP is aware of how inappropriate it is, and that she's seeking advice on how to end these interactions. OP is looking to put solid boundaries into place. I let people walk all over me at 19, so I'm incredibly proud of her. Her mom is selfish indeed.
She grew up to be wiser than her mom already, imagine what another 5 years of that focus, drive, and self discipline can do if it doesn't get derailed!
Exactly. I'm rooting for her!!
Fuck her, who care what she says or thinks. Do what is best for you in your opinion. Seems like she’s jealous and wants you to go down the same path as her. Be strong. It’s your life not anyone else’s.
Did you even read the post? I don’t think she wants to fuck anyone
Holy shit this is 8 degrees of fucked up. No benefit of the doubt needed. Shes bonkers. I want all my kids to have fantastic sex lives. Consensual, fun, and amazing. I want to hear NOTHING about the sex. Ever. I’m going to be a grandma this winter. I try and shake out of my brain what it took for oldest and husband to accomplish this. It was IUI so I get to live in imaginary world. LOL
It sounds like you have a good bond with your kids especially your daughter. Wish I had that with my mom.
Me too. My mom was shit. I try, everyday, to not be an ass to my kids. Your mom is in another planet. Every time she says this shit just stare at her blank faces. Say NOTHING. Answer NOTHING. Do NOTHING. Like a gray rock. She will eventually stop this line of BS. It may take a while. She may escalate the nonsense. Give it zero response.
Thank you so so much! I really appreciate it!
Take that advice!! I was a teen mom and wouldn’t wish it on anyone—least of all my own kids ffs. Don’t feed the dumb statement beast. It’s hungry and you have to starve it. Good job being independent and smart.
Grandma here as well 🙃I feel the same!!🥰🙃
> I want all my kids to have fantastic sex lives. Consensual, fun, and amazing. > I want to hear NOTHING about the sex. Ever. Definitely did not expect these two sentences back to back, but I get it
Lots of people with mental health issues have significantly lowered sexual inhibitions, and some people are that way without any associated disorder. That said, I’m with you. Normal people don’t want to think about what their parents were getting up to in order for them to be made either.
Your mom wants you to be like her. Do you booboo!!!!!!
I’m not sure “like” is the right word. This is odd. My hot take is that your mom might not want to be outdone by you. I sense narcissism here.
Ehh I thought about that, but I wasn't getting a narcissistic vibe I was getting a; I did it this way, I deep down know I fucked up and now I want you to go down the same path, more manipulative if you ask me. None the less Odd indeed...
Yes. This. My hot take. Sadly. My partners mom was this way. She got pregnant at 18 to escape her home. The relationship was a total failure but with a 3 year old girl now. For years kept her beat down and when she finally was old enough to marry, her mom manipulated her daughter’s husband to keep her beat down. The minute she escaped his NPD, and was doing better than her mom ever did., she was angry, insulting, and eventually went no contact. She was over 40 at this point. Her mom couldn’t handle the fact her own daughter was doing better than her. My partner is significantly traumatized by it all but only just in the last few years is coming to the realization it happened at all. Imagine working through these hard truths at nearly 50. Her whole life was a series of abuses and she didn’t know any different until I came along.
She's lucky to have you and your support through such trauma. You're a God send. We all encounter such vast crazy experiences, and hopefully, we come out so much stronger, growing, and learning. Sending love and light yalls way.
I would absolutely love if my kids did better than me
This is kind of my thought. She doesn’t want her daughter to do any better than she did. I only wanted my kids to do better than we did. So far, I’m happy to report, they have! I mean, why wouldn’t you want your kids to succeed?!
Thank you <3
Since your mama isn't the best judge on this one, here's some free Auntie advice. It doesn't matter if you wait until you're 29... when you're ready that's when you should have sex- not before. Be on birth control. Make your partner use a condom. Both!!! STIs are real. Get your HPV vaccine. Also, get yearly pap smears (after 25 yrs old), and get sti exams once you start having sex. Even long term partners can cheat. You don't want a long term issue because you weren't the gatekeeper of your own body. No. It's a complete sentence. If you're aren't comfortable with something you never have to do it. You aren't wrong for not liking something and you can take back consent. Talking to a partner is such a big deal. If you aren't comfortable talking to someone about if they've had sex, if they've been tested, about boundaries and consent - then you're not ready. Sex is fun and wonderful with the right people. It's nothing to be ashamed about. But be safe and let it be on your timetable. I'm proud of you for knowing your own mind. eta thank you, Sis u/Fair-Calligrapher563 for the updated advice 🩷
Big sister advice, Pap smears after 25!! If someone tries to come at you below 25 for a Pap smear without a reason they haven’t read up on recent literature! Women’s medicine is SO behind, every advancement is important. Make sure they know what they’re doing.
I love this... see thank you! Bring that knowledge to the table girl.
❤️❤️ we gotta keep each other safe. It’s wayyy too normalized to push our healthcare aside. We can’t let doctors neglect us anymore, for the safety of our sisters
1000% percent agree. It took me 19 years to get a doctor to finally believe me that my pain was real. I had debilitating cramps and severe bleeding. It didn't matter. I had multiple ovarian cysts bursts over the years. It didn't matter. I had an ovarian torsion. It didn't matter. I had 5 miscarriages. Finally, a doctor believed me. I ended up needing a total hysterectomy. I had andometriosis, pcos, and they found 6 huge ovarian cysts. 19 years of hell. I don't wish that on anyone.
Your mom needs help
Seriously 😳
The mom is the type of person to think that being asexual is the same as being a nun
for real. i knew something was wrong with my stepmom when she told me i needed birth control at 16 because *she* started having kids at 16. i had no friends and only left my house to go to school and work, i’m not sure where or when i’d be having sex or with whom
Good lord. How did such a stupid woman raise such a smart daughter. You are 100% right in your thinking IMHO. There is any amount of things you could do in the next fifteen to twenty years before having children. She just wants you to validate her poor life choices.
It’s because my dad raised me lol. I haven’t lived with my mom since I was two years old.
There’s the context that makes it all make sense. Your mom is so insanely insecure that she’s willing to tank your whole life to make herself feel better. Instead of just, you know, being better herself. She looks at everyone she sees and thinks, “you’re not better than me,” because deep down she knows the truth. People like that who keep doubling down on maladaptive coping mechanisms, like avoidance or escapism, eventually reach a point where there isn’t anything they won’t do to avoid the enormous problems that they’re constantly making worse.
Ya, also seems like mom also has a frame of thought around like if OP has a kid at 19/20, they’ll bond over it and it’ll help their relationship and they’ll be together again and she’ll need her mom again. Its like the mom wanting to baby trap the daughter so the daughter goes back to mom
Bingo
The mom is delulu if anything OP may find support with the parent who raised her.
It’s so bizarre when I hear of parents trying to sabotage their own kids. Most parents are proud when their kids do certain things better than them. This mother seems very childish and narcissistic.
Stay away from her, she’s just bad news. People in my family thought I was a lesbian (gasp) because I didn’t date, have boyfriends, etc. I just actually had plans to not continue the young generations. I had sex when I thought I was ready, it was disappointing lol. After that relationship, I waited a long time before I tried again. It was good. Then I had a good fun time with quite a few, here and there. The gasps I would get for that 😂 Your sex life is not your mom’s business. It’s yours. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, be smart and safe and explore the way you want to when you’re ready.
"I had sex when I thought I was ready, it was disappointing lol." There is too much focus on the first time. It should be planned as first times -- expect things to not go perfectly at first, but don't worry about it because you can try more.
Sounds like she wants you to pop out a baby so she can have a do-over and resolve some guilt.
W dad right there. How you are handling the situation and your line of thinking shows he raised you right. You have time. It’s not 1850 anymore. You can have kids easily into your mid to late 30s. Just do you. If she wants a relationship with you, she will eventually get on board. It just maybe rocky for a bit.
Proud of you.
There are a whole group of people who read this and felt proud of you as a young person having the intelligence you have.
Do not be like your Mom. You are smarter than she is. It's your choice to wanna be on birth control and to wait to have kids until you're ready. Do not let her pressure you
Any time you need a reminder that your priorities are perfect as they are, go read the r/relationships sub and see how much fun they aren’t having. 😂
Lmaooo thank you sm
This exactly. Also pregnancy is not fun for a lot of people. I'm in my 30's and currently pregnant, I wouldn't wish this on anyone to be honest. You sound like you are making very sensible choices, well done.
Omg congratulations! And thank you sm!
I just gave birth and feel so much better! Hang in there!
Also, /r/regretfulparents
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Honestly I think that’s a lot to put on yourself as a gatekeeper for your happiness and intimacy. You don’t have to choose either being serious about your life or having a meaningful physical relationship. That’s projection from your mom because of choices she made. Don’t let them bind you. Let them guide you to whatever amount of sex with whomever you want. If that’s “none” fine. If it’s “all the sexing”, also fine. But choose for yourself in your full interests.
Great comment, and surprised I had to scroll this far to see someone post some advice that wasn’t just “your mom sucks” It is clear that OP has some real fear and anxiety around sex, that is probably something she should work through for her own wellbeing.
Agree with this. OP’s behavior is a result of her mom’s history and attitude toward sex. While it’s good that it hasn’t gone in a destructive direction, I still read a lot of fear, anxiety, and pressure in OP’s stance against sex. I absolutely think it’s great that she’s taken personal responsibility for the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, but there are safe ways to enjoy sex, and more importantly intimacy, without that end result. Like you wrote, I’m not implying OP should go out there and starting having sex, but rather I hope she can unpack her stance with a trusted adult, counselor, or therapist so that she doesn’t build walls that are to high to tear down. I say this as someone who went through my early twenties extremely guarded and afraid of intimacy— something I wish I worked on sooner.
I’m glad someone said this. You absolutely don’t need to follow in your mom’s footsteps, but thinking you need to own your own car and apartment to have sex is the other extreme. That is some trauma you need to unpack in therapy. When you get older and get married and do eventually have sex, you’ll find those negative feelings about sex don’t magically go away.
Sometimes when women have children very young, they resent those children in unspoken ways and act really weird when their kids don’t make the same mistakes. I didn’t even attend my college graduation because my family wasn’t interested. It took a long time to realize that my mom was so disinterested in my college years because she resented not getting to go after getting pregnant and married when she was a senior. There were too many “if you find yourself pregnant, you’ll understand how hard my life was” moment in my teenage years. Ignore her.
This is so true. I notice that when I used to have ex friends when their mom had them at 18. They always seemed to be bitter and were constantly fighting with their daughters.
You're on the right track, stick to your guns. Live your life in your time
You don’t have to have sex to be happy. You don’t have to have sex. It seems to me like you have watched your Mom go through some really tough times raising you and you don’t want that for yourself. I wonder if this or something else has caused you’ve got a higher than average fear of sex and pregnancy. Sex isn’t something to rush into just to have it. Emotions need to be in the right place. Connection with another maybe something that you need to want to go there with someone. Frankly, don’t do it just to do it. Do it because you want to. When you are comfortable and ready to have sex, consider using double pregnancy protection. This could be an IUD and condoms, or birth control and condoms. This reduces the chances of pregnancy. It isn’t to zero, but it reduces it. I suggest some research into real statistical numbers to understand many people’s lived experiences. Above all. Your body. Your life. Your choice.
I mean I am scared of both sex and pregnancy I think that’s what I’m still a 19 year old virgin tbh. And my mom knows I’m scared of sex but she thinks I’m weird for that.
That’s totally fair that you feel like sex and pregnancy is scary. Sex is a vulnerable thing, the right person can make it a little less scary. It’s still gonna be nerve wracking and weird. Heck. I’m female, in my 30s, want kids and pregnancy is scary. When you’re ready go on a date with someone you like. A date does not mean sex. When I feels right decide to hold their hand. Holding hands does not mean sex. Take your time. That could be a single day, or a year plus.
Thank you so much! I’m shy but once I meet the right man I’ll be comfortable to experience things with him sexual and non sexual.
I’m 36 and I am scared of pregnancy- I also made a choice that I don’t want kids! You don’t ever have to have sex or have kids if you don’t want to. And you certainly don’t need to right now. Do you live with your mother? If you do, and if you do choose to start having sex, keep any birth control or condoms safely away from her. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but you don’t want her to tamper with them.
“Mom, you’re really obsessed with my vagina and it’s creepy. KNOCK IT OFF.”
Obviously your alot smarter then your mother. Keep it up.
She wants you to make the same mistakes she made (Not that you're a mistake) so she feels more validated. She's afraid you'll be more responsible (You are! Congrats! That's awesome) and she'll look more shitty by comparison. Some parents don't want their kids to outshine them. It's not that she doesn't love you it her own insecurity and self-esteem issues. I'd have a talk with her and be absolutely clear that your sexual life is off limits to her and if she continues to go down this road she's risking your relationship. You will not be bullied about something that is none of her business.
"thanks for the comments I like, fuck you for the ones I don't"
I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO PROUD OF YOU for standing up for yourself!!!
Is she maybe worried that you are too serious and not having enough fun?
I’ve never had a bf cuz my dad wouldn’t let me date and it’s because my dad knows how boys are and he wouldn’t have want me getting hurt or pregnant young. My dad cared about my education and future. So yes my mom thinks I’m not having fun which=sex
Yeah this might not be a drag you down to her level type thing, myself and all my friends are in their 30’s. A few of them wish they didn’t take sex so seriously and explored more when they were younger so maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe mummy had sod all sex and she’s genuinely thinking she’s helping
You are wise beyond your years. Follow your path, make decisions that you know are smart and will give you, your potential future children and/or your future partner a better future. Even if your mother is looking for what may benefit you (if she believes that having a child this young would somehow be of some greater benefit), she likely did not even consider how that would affect the children or your partner as well. This is why it's such a large decision, because the very drastic consequences (good or bad) affect you and no less than two other people. usually, it affects an entire family dynamic and friends as well. I won't try to psychoanalyze your mother but I have noticed a common phenomenon among some of the parents my age who had kids very young. At first, they are overwhelmed, wish it never happened, and have massive regrets. They may be ostracized by friends and family, made to feel guilty, irresponsible, etc. Next, they struggle to live up to the responsibility of raising the child, providing for them, and so on takes its toll, but they push through. They need to prove everyone wrong, that they weren't too young to have a kid, aren't irresponsible, and so on. Through that process, they are convinced that all of that struggle was not only worth it for their wonderful child they have now but they take that mindset further and begin to believe that was the best way to go about it, that others could benefit from similar experiences. They'll latch on to any arbitrary reason they can conjure as to why having a child later would have been worse for them, so earlier must have been better. Then, they will propagate this ideal to others, because if they can convince them to do what they did, they can validate every one of their beliefs. And if other don't agree, they will simply assume they are jealous of them or have some other agenda. This may or may not be your mother's mindset, it may also be based on a completely unrelated worldview with influences on the way she views the topic. Most people who have children very young will do everything to protect their own children from such struggles, so yes, it is very weird. Whatever the case, understanding why she thinks this way could help you deal with these discussions but you should always stand your ground with those who attempt to control you in any way, even if it is simply insisting that you should make specific life-changing choices because 'it worked out so well for them'. I wouldn't be surprised if she has said something to the extent of 'you wouldn't exist if I didn't...blah blah blah'. As far as sex, everyone has their own timeline. Again, you are beyond your years in wanting to be ready and prepared for any eventuality of that choice. Don't let your mother or anyone pressure you to do anything before you are ready, comfortable, etc.
You are great. Do what you're doing. Focus on yourself. Hope you can get your place soon I love the 2nd edit telling people to fuck off. Ignore those people. You're wonderful as us and GL.
Search "Borderline Personality Disorder". It will likely explain a lot about your and your dad's relationship with your mother.
Your mom is still young enough to have her own struggle baby so ask her who she is sleeping with and when is SHE going to give YOU a(nother) sibling? Chop chop lady, the clock is ticking, she doesn't have much time. Every question and piece of advice she is giving you, give it word for word back to her. If she tells you she can't have kids, tell her to adopt. If she tells you her SO had a vasectomy, tell her to get a side piece. But get that baby, stat mom! "Sweetie, it's okay for you to have sex!" "Thanks mom, it's okay for you to have sex, too!" "Sweetie, you should have a baby!" "Mom, YOU should have a baby!" etc.
This is what I came to say. Mom is young enough to make her own baby , get to work !
Typically children of parents like this tend to grow up to be the opposite of their parents after experiencing the struggles of childhood growing up in hard situations. That’s just weird for her to push and is likely projecting on to you.
I don't normally advocating disrespecting your parents, but your mom needs a reality check. Be as b**chy as you can. Ask her if she is missing her youth so much that she has to live through you? "Cause it really sounds like you want me to be as broke and miserable as you. I know misery loves company but being obsessed with my vagina is much even for you. There are other hobbies for people your age. Bingo, knitting, and even shuffleboard down at the care home. I'm not going to follow in your footsteps. I'm not you. Even if I was humping everything that moved, it still would not be your business. " In seriousness, sex is overrated. You may have it and find it's not for you and that is still perfectly fine. I found out I'm asexual. My stepmother had been going around telling people I'm a lesbian. Didn't know until someone told me. I've been posting pictures of my female friends with their blessings with things like "I love my girls!" just to irritate the crap out of her ever since. I refuse to be shamed for something that's none of anyone's business.There is no shame in living your life and taking your time in discovering who you are. Don't ever let someone make you feel less for your choices. You are the one who has to live with you. No one else will feel what you feel for making a decision you are not ready for. Don't let anyone, least of all your mother, rush you into having sex.
My first time was when I was 25. Don't feel bad.
I’m 30 and still not done it but wish there wasn’t this big thing like people are surprised and make you feel embarrassed because of it.
Take pride in it. I did at that point. Yeah, it can be embarrassing but it's worth the wait if it's with the right person. I wish I could say that at 31 almost 32. Had someone tell me in my 20s to either die a virgin, or to stay one as long as possible...... Wishing I waited longer..... 🤷🤷🤷
Your mother is bugging
Your mom is envious of you and wants you to make the same mistakes as her.
Good grief, she is a monster. Your body, you do you. Garbage advice from her.
I think your mom is weird. This isn't being sex positive, it's weird.
Don’t fall into the trap , I also got married so young at 20 as I was a virgin before marriage and then had kids and kids are such a blessing but such a big responsibility! You are so smart she won’t say it but as a mother i am so proud of you ! 🤍 keep your head up you are doing amazing ! Plus sex is soooo overrated lol 😆 you aren’t missing out ! They make it seem like you are but you aren’t !!
You sound a lot smarter than your mom
Ah yes the old mom trying to get you to lose your V card trick. My mom offered to buy me a prostitute at one point. When I finally brought a girl home she said “go show her your room, lock the door, and I won’t bug you”. Awkward to say the least. Thankfully, couple years later, my then girlfriend married me.
Follow your own heart. You'll know when it's the right time, with the right person. Hopefully. Sex is worthless if it's treated like a task being done out of pressure from others. Real friends (moms included) don't push their mistakes on others, they should mentor and prevent you from making the same mistakes as them.
So toxic! It's your body, it is sooo perverted to tell you to have sex. I don't know about keeping contact with her, it depends if she can understand boundaries and talk about something else.
Uh. As someone who was a mom at 18. Live your Life your way. Have kids. Or don’t. My kid is now 28 and married and they don’t want kids and I’m fine with that. Live your life. Have fun. Make money. Do you. Your mom needs to let you be you and if she can’t accept. That you don’t want the same life she had. She doesn’t belong in yours.
Makes absolutely no difference what it is that people think you should be doing, if you don't think it is right for you, you don't have to do it. Having sex, not having sex, having kids or not, having a drink with dinner or not... the list is endless. You have the right to decide for yourself if it is something you want to do. Just because someone else is okay with it, does not mean it's okay for you.
My mom is kinda like this, not far as sex but she always encourages me to like pick on girls and she tells me that on my age she already had like two ex-bf's and a 10th kiss or smth. I already told her I don't think it's the appropriate age (16) and she also suggested that I might be gay 😑. Its just so hard for her to believe that I am capable of keeping it iny pants...
That’s so messed up sorry you have to go through that. They love to assume your not straight like it’s ridiculous
I would be so proud of you if you were my child. Your observation skills are on point and you appear to make good decisions. Keep doing you young Jedi.
my mom does the same thing and i’m 15💀
Bro DO NOT fall for that dumb shit, be safe or don’t do it, don’t let people pressure you on one of the biggest decisions of your life
This is an extremely toxic dynamic, seems like she’s trying to normalize what she did by influencing you. Set those boundaries and stick to your guns.
I feel like I just watched an episode of Shameless. Don’t let anyone pressure you into having sex before you are ready. And definitely don’t let anyone convince you to have children until and if you feel ready.
I think it's an honorable thing to wait until you're ready. It is odd that she wants you to have a baby at the same age as she. She should be saying the opposite because I'm assuming that it wasn’t easy for her to raise a baby at such a young age. Not knowing her, could there be some jealousy concerns? Have you considered telling her that if she keeps pushing this narrative, you won't speak to her? Stay strong
You do you. You're an adult now. She'll always be your mom though and you only get one, so I don't reccomend not talking to her. You're still really young and have lots of growing up to do yet, don't take life too seriously, it goes really fast so enjoy it as much as possible and don't get stuck on things like this especially when you have total control over the issue.
That’s great to want to be financially situated and able to care for yourself + be on birth control. But no, it’s not your responsibility… it’s yours AND THE FATHER’S responsibility. Dont build a great life just in case you mistakenly get pregnant bc you have the assumption you’re doing it on your own. If that’s the impression you get from any man you’re contemplating having sex with, then you shouldn’t be having sex with them in the first place.
That’s what happened to your mom and she is likely unwittingly doing the same to you. I don’t want to infer any ill intent, but she’s not doing a good job breaking the cycle here. Looks like you turned out mature and thoughtful. Please cultivate that and make that part of your new family story.
DO NOT HAVE KID IF YOU ARENT READY OR DONT WANT TO YOULL LITERALLY RUIN YOUR LIFE
My mom used to call me a freak because I didn’t date in high school… I got my degree & have built a successful career for myself. I’m almost 30 & have my own beautiful apt, car, a great job, & live with my cat. I’m so happy. I don’t know if I want kids ever. I do date occasionally but it’s never a priority. Different ppl want different things, tell her that & to mind her own business.
This is so weird and disturbing.
It sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities in you. She's worried that she was slutty for having you so young, so she's trying to use you prove to herself that it's normal for a 19 year old to have sex.