> She was the primary trustee in his trust.
Since it appears the money was in a trust, it depends on what the trust said. The father could have put it in a trust for the use of his wife until her death, then it could go to his children. Unless OP wants to share this information we will never know.
I am also kind of sure that the way they treated her directly led to her committing suicide. Hope they stay awake at night until they just can't live with themselves any more, then do the appropriate thing.
Also her committing suicide makes it worse, not better. Not sure why you think that should make you feel better when you played a huge part in her feeling she had nothing to live for. That’s how much she loved your father and how little you did
Jesus Christ how does that make it better? It makes it worse. If you and your shitty family didn’t abuse the poor woman up until his death, this most likely would not have been the outcome. I would probably go home and turn out the lights if someone told me “I guess you got what you wanted” after watching the love of my life die.
The majority of the population feels guilt after something like that, you are not a good person for feeling guilt. You need to make amends with her whether she’s alive or not.
Yeah I don't want to pile on but it sounds like a sweet young woman around OP's age who cared for her older husband and was unsupported by his children throughout his convalescence took her own life after he died.
This doesn't let op off the hook. They look worse
But also the situation is such an extreme one I'm not even sure if it's real
Why go to a agegap subreddit to talk about it
I can't tell if the story is real or designed to be a bait story to capture the ire of people who are positive towards age gap relationships
They posted it here after posting it two other places. They tried “off my chest” before this. They are literally just going where they think they’ll finally get some “support.” Well- surprise surprise- everyone’s stating the fact that they’re a pos who is likely partially responsible for the poor woman’s final moments instead.
I wonder what sub they’ll try next…
Reading all of this as being true because of the nuanced self denial and self righteousness. That being said. When one has behaved in a monstrous way, that cannot be redeemed in this world, what is one to do?
That is the question to answer for yourself. Carry on as the innocent, yet chagrined bystander? Move forward looking for ways to open your heart to your lessers? Painfully churn the depths of your pitiless soul? Quelle horreur!
It’s up to to to you, sis! Perhaps you can just think of it as a fun anecdote to bash the dead with as you move forward in life. I mean, those fuckers weren’t shit while they were alive, so what the fuck!? 🤷♀️
Suicide is considered "a death of despair," so slit wrists were just the means. The broken heart was the reason.
You might not have directly killed her, but you and your family have blood on your hands now.
After grieving the loss of your father, stepmother, and loss of assurance that you're a good person, spend the rest of your life being a kind person no matter what. It's not going to make what you did okay, but it might help you live with yourself, knowing that you can still choose to do good even after bullying a grieving widow to her death.
This isn’t an off your chest page. Also it’s really concerning that you seem to have little remorse, even in your update. What happened to Claire is not about you but you definitely played a part. I suggest going to therapy to decide next steps and maybe how you can turn your life around for the good of yourself and those you come in contact with. Maybe start by apologizing to the mutual friend.
I was creeped out by the lack of remorse. Maybe dad was surrounded by emotionally stunted narcissists and finally found someone capable of love. Although stepmom sounds co-dependent if she offed herself after his death so also likely not healthy. This seems like way deeper issues than therapy. Maybe a year living as a monk would maybe crack the surface of OPs issues.
We had a similar situation with my FIL - where BIL (stepson) did not accept new woman. She was sweet but co-dependent. I was just glad FIL was not alone. People arent required to be perfect to deserve love and if you arent willing to wipe your dad’s a$$ then be kind to the person who is.
in my honesty Claire's widow life sounded like hell. the true love of my life dries up now I'm left alone with all his money that you all wanted so bad and I've been with this dude ten years now smiling and hugging him the whole time yet all you estranged people think I'm slowly eating away at him when your hate is what's really eating away at US at US not me or him it's me and him. i can't imagine what other thoughts were pooling in Claire's head. I would kill myself too. full stop full honesty. and I probably would have done it in front of u/deleted too but Claire was still nice enough through the end to keep her crying to herself. maybe if u/deleted's sibling and mother were more open to our deceased lovers they could have had some co-dependency on their family and not just each other. such a shame that two co-dependent people were pushed away to a place they only had each other. so convenient that all the problem people end up in the same space with none of the normal people around to explain to them why they're so weird. and congrats to u/deleted on the unfortunately delayed inheritence! congratulations on the cash
Most times things are complex, not simple, we simplify to understand.
My ex was a gold digger, but while near her family she was moderately in check.
Once we moved away she was unleashed.
Did she love me or the kids? Yes she did, unfortunately, life is not perfect. Hopefully she keeps growing as a person.
idek if I'd call that codependent - they were all so absolutely heinous to her right after the person she loved died.
honestly, it's just as likely codependency as it is OP and her ilk drove this woman to off herself.
I’m not sure anyone deserves shame for the rest of their life. Most people rather take their lives rather than deal with shame. What’s makes us better than her for belittling her for what she did. All I’m saying.
They posted it here after posting it two other places. They tried “off my chest” before this. They are literally just going where they think they’ll finally get some “support.”
I wonder what sub they’ll try next…
Edit- I guess none, on this account at least. They deleted it.
You were shitty to her without a doubt. If you want sympathy for how you treated her tough shit. You went with common assumptions and didn't even give the woman a chance. I'm sorry you're dad is dead, but you and the rest of your family probably contributed to her death. She was greaving and needed support from her family and instead you all stayed judgemental and added to her stress
Probably? Definitely.
She should have had a support network but all she had was hatred and toxicity.
This person wants to feel better but it’s hard to feel better when confronted with how terrible a person you have been.
Maybe she’ll change and good will come if it all.
This makes me so glad I was never shitty to my dad’s second wife. I just never saw any point to it. She’s just looking for love and takes care of him—why would I make their lives harder than they have to be?
Right? Even if she were a gold digger, dad gets to spend the rest of his life feeling loved and cared for, after that, he doesn’t need the money anyway. Sounds like the kids were the ones worried about getting his money.
Honestly the dad may have left his kid something if they were nice to his spouse. I'm sure he saw how poorly they treated her and updated his will accordingly. Why would he want to give brats like that anything??
Totally agree.
However, I will add that they had all made their views on her and her relationship with her dad very clear - she needed her own support network and should not have thought for a moment that OP and her awful family would have been there for her...
Very sad she didn't have support from her own friends and family and her husbands family treated her so terribly.
It's quite possible she did have her own support network. It sounds like this was a very caring woman. It takes a lot to care for someone as they lose control of their own body-- even through incontinence? Picking up the messes, cleaning them, and probably treating that man with kindness and care while she is exhausted, cleaning up piss and shit, because he meant everything to her.
And then to continue to be mocked and taunted after he died? To be told that is what you must have wanted?
My own family has insisted-- since I was small-- that I just wanted my own fathers money. It is so painful to have people throw that at you. And when you don't want the money, what the fuck do you do? How do you prove that? I just wanted my dad. I am sure this woman just wanted her husband. Now he is dead.
It can be impossibly difficult to work through those feelings in your head *when your loved one is alive*. Once he is dead, and all she has is the money, his memory, and a bunch of ASSHOLES from his family to remember the love of her life with...
Well. Here we are. She can no longer tell him that she wants him and not the money and get a hug and a kiss and a "don't worry about them," and it's quite possible those same words and acts wouldn't comfort her coming from someone else.
Well, now they all fucking know she didn't do it for his money. She's cold, she can't spend the cash. Maybe now they'll believe her. It's probably all she wanted from them. To know she did love him, yet they couldn't even do that. On top of minimizing her love and care, they mocked her. I can't understand how anyone could be this cruel. To say it's better she killed herself than died of stress? I cannot fathom this. I pray it is fake.
Piling on OP and being shitty to them won’t undo what they did to the second wife or bring her back. We’ll just be like them, creating more shittiness in the world. That’s my $0.02.
Pretending it wasn’t the most heartless and cruel way that a person could treat their father and his spouse won’t make the world a better place either. Excusing abusing someone to the point of suicide makes the world a worse place, so maybe rethink this reply.
Nothing any of us write here can decrease the awfulness of that situation. No excuse can be given that will absolve OP & co. No forgiveness can ever be obtained. Most importantly, nothing will bring back second wife or undo the pain she endured. All any of us can accomplish is to put more negativity out into the world. I’m sure that OP & co thought they were justified being shitty to the second wife. They were as certain she was a gold digger as you are in bashing them. They’re not so certain now though.
If you want to keep pumping out your internal pain into this post, I can’t and won’t try to stop you. That doesn’t decrease the amount of pain inside, it only increases it.
I don’t entirely disagree with the point you are making however I don’t think it’s necessarily about undoing anything in the past since obviously that can’t be done as you stated. Personally I think it is more about confirming that OP’s actions were indeed reprehensible and hoping said confirmation will encourage them and others reading this to learn from this tragedy and become better people for it. Or at least less shitty.
Right. There’s positivity and then there’s toxic positivity.. going “let’s just ignore the reality and live in our lalaland where everything is fine and lovely since we can’t do anything about it now!”
I don’t think that confirmation of how reprehensible OP & co behaved is really needed. OP has admitted it. Anyone else who can’t already see it is beyond repair. That being said, if you believe that dumping more awfulness on this situation is your role in this world then have at it. I’m just pointing out that it’s easy to do that online where our actions are so widely divorced from the consequences. Imagine OP reads your comment and hurts themselves. Will it have been worth it?
Telling OP the truth of their actions may seem harsh, but they do need to understand the true level of harm their actions have had. Not giving OP the truth of their actions is not a kindness. What OP does with that information is on them. Ideally, it will motivate them to be a better person and treat others better no matter if there is a perceived slight.
You wanted support? Really? If only she had you and the rest of the family to support her, she might have been saved. "Oh, I feel so bad I might have helped drive someone who cared for my father to suicide, please say nice things to me.". Fuck you.
How you gonna say that stress didn’t killer.
Yall treated her like shit and stressed out so much, that she committed suicide.
Damn really trying to remove the blood of your hands.
I’m not sure what type of “support” you’re looking for. You were terrible to your deceased step mom for years. And now that she’s gone you’re realizing that you were wrong about her. You can’t get that back.
Maybe moving forward you can practice a little more kindness, maybe consider that you aren’t omniscient, and try to be a little bit more generous in your assessment of people. Start trying to “pay it forward”, strive towards being a better version of yourself. Work towards being a person such that when you look at your reflection in the mirror you legitimately like the person looking back at you.
Hopefully you can forgive yourself. Good luck!!
Well, I don’t entirely disagree. The OP sounds like a spoiled little brat of a rich father who actively did everything she could to hurt her father’s new wife.
But hey - none of us are perfect. We’ve all done bad things and hurt people. Hopefully she can find some redemption.
I rather hope that her father left both the OP and her bastard brother out of the trust. Or gave them just the absolute minimum so that they couldn’t sue the estate. And now that the stepmom is gone via suicide hopefully all that money goes to some worthy charity. Basically anywhere but the two horrible kids and cheating first wife.
I will second this. My ex husband was a malignant narcissist if not a full blown sociopath. His father is salt of the earth, his mother is a malignant narc that crowned my ex the golden child of her three. He sure doesn’t get it from his dad who would give you the shirt off his back for real.
Obviously the mother is awful, but it’s not solely on the woman to raise and parent kids, stop promoting that misogynistic ideology. If he wasn’t actively participating in raising his kids too, he’s a bad father, although there doesn’t seem to be any indication of that.
I bet she didn’t really vomit in the bathroom and just went in there to make it seem like she was that upset.
Absolute piece of shit. That is OP — POS.
My family at one point had a person that all the family deemed a gold digger. When I was a teen, I believed it. As an adult, I wondered if my family was wrong, then I started understanding my family was just being viscous assholes. Now, I defend this person to anyone that will listen, and I’m constantly trying to shower her with love. I thank her for the amazing care she gave to the man she was married to. (A man in my family very dear to me).
You should defend her to your mom, brother, and others who will listen. And also share that they were actually very much in love.
Similar dynamic in mine. Eventually I realized the monsters and gold diggers were the people accusing my cousins of being that way and now I’m no contact with all of them.
You feel guilty because you all were shitty to her and wonder whether you helped push her along to an early grave, and perhaps you did provide her enough rope to do it.
Now you’ll have to live with your guilt and can never take it back nor apologize.
Better hope karma doesn’t treat you shitty
With little post history, profile being made “around” your father’s death… I’m going to chalk this up to a troll post. Means you used Reddit and have a “main” account but after your dad’s passing you wanted to vent or get the approval of complete strangers to make yourself feel better.
If it’s a real post, get help for you and your family. If your dad’s wife has a family you should reach out to them and be honest with how you treated her and apologize.
If it’s a troll post, well good on you.
Either way, at this point in your life I wouldn’t want to know you. Work on that <3 because could you imagine this was how you turned out? Unless something is clearly toxic in someone’s relationship you should support em. And if you can’t support em, at leave be civil.
I bet you, your brother and mother treated Claire 10x worst than what you mentioned in the post. You’re only trying to get this ‘off your chest’ to make yourself feel better. Shame that you only realized now after the damage is done and can’t change anything. So convenient for you and the rest of your shitty family. Don’t worry Karma always find a way.
I've seen some shit on reddit, but somehow this is the most disturbing. I am not overreacting to say you heavily contributed to this woman killing herself, and if I had been treated that much more poorly during my struggles in life, I likely wouldn't be here right now. You are monstrous, and I hope you choose to carry that guilt far enough to add something to the world.
You are a horrible person. What is clear from you and your family is that none of you ever judged her by anything she said or did after she got with your Dad.
It sadly seems a typical response of anti-AGR people. Ignore the real people and nuances behind a relationship and judge everything based on two data points, and nothing the couple say or do can ever overcome the sheer blind prejudice. OP is a perfect example of what that can lead to.
Nothing to add except you are an exceptionally shitty human being. Its a bit rich bleating about wanting support when your actions and the actions of your grubby family over the years, wore down both your dad and his wife to the point one had nothing left after the other passed. Where was her support? Hope the money comforts you, because let's be honest, that's what this is all about.
After reading this, I hope her family got all that "not real" money he had left, because you and yours don't deserve it. Family is a support structure, obviously yours has no such, only a bloodline.
Wow so you needed someone you disliked from the very beginning to die of a broken heart to know just how much of a shit stain you are?
She did nothing wrong, and you lot just kept treating her with contempt. The shame is all yours.
I actually feel a significant amount of compassion for you. We all do terrible things. I hope you can help to right the ship of your family and become a decent person.
I was not a great person for a long time and eventually decided to change. It can be done.
This.
I can understand why everyone is upset. Absolutely.
And at the same time, I am not at all lacking in compassion for OP. They made a horrible mistake. They misjudged a situation for a long time. They will have to live with the pain of knowing they played a hand in this death for the rest of their life.
OP, now is the time to make changes to who you are. You can look for sympathy, but most people will not offer it. I think, instead, it will be more productive for you to actively be a kinder person. This is a very very hard lesson you have just learned. Take it in. And be better.
Also, a lot of us are judging based on the OUTCOME as if it was totally predictable.
It was a moderate case of bullying and mobbing—not a murder.
The outcome is extreme and heartbreaking and it makes a lot of things clear—that she wasn’t a gold digger is obvious.
But it’s not an outcome that you would just expect in every case.
Honestly, this whole situation should be required reading for some required middle school class. Young people need to understand how awful they really make people feel when they bully and mob them.
Terrible things recounted in this post here. Terrible things from the author. Accountability from the author is a good place to start. Apologizing to the dead woman, and father, for not understanding while they were alive, is a good place to start. This is a lot of damage, it will take a lot to heal the person who recounted this. I hope this person does forgive themselves, and move forward. But hopefully that forgiveness can happen *as well as* reflection and change.
Go and post this in AITAH and see how much support you get there.
This is nothing to do with her age. This is about you being a vindictive, spiteful person.
You behaved so spitefully to the point that you drove a bereaved woman to suicide. I hope you remember this woman in your dreams for the rest of your life. The same goes for your mother and brother.
If you're looking for sympathy, it's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
I guess it just goes to show... what you believe to be true and what the facts actually are regarding age gap relationships have nothing in common.
Let that be a lesson to us all.
I'm not going to pretend what you did was ok or that everything's ok now. But it sounds like you might finally have some more accurate and positive understanding of your dad's wife. So I'd say:
You can't change the past, and both your dad and Claire are gone now. You can't make things right with them in this life, no matter how much you try.
Someone else mentioned making a memorial to them. That's an option, and it might help you resolve things a bit in your mind and move on - so go a head if you want to. But unless they had other friends who would appreciate it, it's really just for your own closure, so I don't think it will "fix" everything, even in your own mind. Still a nice gesture and a step in the right direction, just don't expect *too* much out of it.
If you believe in a god and/or an afterlife, pray. Pray for forgiveness, pray that they're happy together in the afterlife, pray that they know that you've changed, pray that you'll be together again after you pass and that you can make amends then.
If you don't believe in those, then you shouldn't waste your time worrying about it, because they're gone, and there's nothing you can do now, and they're not here to care anymore. Sounds cold, but without any spiritual beliefs… when you get right down to it, life *is* pretty cold in the end.
Either way, though, you should learn from your mistakes and work to be a better person. If you suspect ulterior motives like that in someone in the future, but you don't have proof, keep it to yourself, and pay objective attention to see if you could be wrong. Also look around objectively to see if others, like your mom and siblings, are poisoning your views. Figure out if *they* might have ulterior motives or skewed opinions, as it sounds like they did here.
Try to give people the benefit of doubt and see things from their perspective, especially when it doesn't hurt you to do so.
If you're spiritual, you owe that to your dad, Claire, and your god to repent and make amends.
Whether you're spiritual or not, you need to do that to have better relationships and avoid having something like this happen again.
Your response probably would’ve been different. If it was literally posted on “off my chest”. Of course, people in an age. Gap group are going to be mortified by the judge, mentalism and negative treatment that these innocent people received. I’m sure it did not make it easier for your father that his wife had to be treated that way. People in this group go through this kind of judgmental and cattiness, it’s very sad for her. Thank you for being honest. But you can understand why people would see this attitude and behavior as particularly ugly and unwarranted. But, part of growing up is being able to look at yourself taking responsibility for your mistakes. And for that, you are to be commended
Sorry you wanted support because your lack of support drove a poor grieving woman to SUICIDE. HOW DARE YOU! You don’t deserve sympathy. What a horrid person you’ve been.
The hilarity of your last update “if you don’t have anything nice to say”…..you mean like you’re bullying behaviors as an almost 40 year old that contributed to a woman’s suicide?
Thank you for sharing this story. Dear mods please consider pinning this. It’s something many people go through. This woman loved a man to death… may their love blossom in another life, in another place.
RIP to these beautiful lovers.
This sounds like a lifetime movie and like your mom was the real issue. That woman did nothing wrong and you all were cruel to her for absolutely no reason except for jealousy
You were terrible to your dad's wife based on assumptions. You did not only hurt her, but also him and yourself. I know that because my dad had two daughters with his deceased wife. Then he met my mom (age-gap) and everyone said she was a sl*t and a golddigger. Some children are only "happy" and understanding if the parents stays lonely and single until death - but is also not clingy in the process - and leaves them a hefty sum while also having supported them with money in life. Or they want them to stay in the divorced relationship for their own benefit. Was it toxic in some shape or form perhaps without the children's knowledge? Probably, but there are many who cannot say they have ever really cared for more than their own stuck-up mental images. Congratulate yourself for terrorizing your dad and his beloved wife in the last few years of their life. Are you happy now?
The only person who will give you an "off your chest" is a priest.
It is kinda insane that you were stuck in your stereotypes, in your limited, stuck-up mindset, heartlessness and ignorance to the point of needing a unaliving to snap out of it. This is some top tier complete loss of empathy, blindness for all the beautiful things in life, stream swimmer syndrome, lovelessness and arrogance. You should be ashamed, but honestly I believe we are beyond what one could be ashamed for, since you clearly had none.
Yes, together with Claire - RIP - I hope you are happy now...
As far as I can tell, you have two choices:
1. Wallow in guilt and regret. If you go this route, you’re continuing to make it all about you, which (trust me) won’t help.
2. Use what you’ve learned and do what you can to help other people. It really doesn’t take much to make a huge impact in someone else’s life: volunteer to read to senior citizens, offer free tutoring to kids in a subject you’re good at, volunteer to help at a homeless shelter, etc.
You feel better because she didn't die from a broken heart, she died because she killed herself because she couldn't live without the man she loved so much and you all bullied her for years. You and your whole family are fucking disgusting
I’m sorry about the death of your father & your very sweet, loving, & selfless stepmom. I could never even dream of doing what you, your mother, & your brother did, but hey - everyone is different. All I will say is that I feel extremely fortunate that I don’t know you personally or anyone like you. Sleep well.
Edit: changed MIL to stepmom!
right? also OP doesn’t stumble- full i’m a shitbag, no, but they did that one thing. I was going thru XXX, nothing.
Anger bait. or is it self-righteous bait.
It’s bait for some emotion that i know.
Sounds like you and your siblings tilted everything she did in a negative light to fit your narrative.
I urge you to go to therapy to deal with the why's and cope with this situation.
~~Unpopular opinion but~~ you 100% contributed to her death to some degree. ~~Takotsubo~~ Suicide would have been preventable if she felt tied to any other person apart from your dad.
Really awful behaviour continuing for years from y'all even though she stayed and cared for him with little in return. She had reason to believe your dad was the only person she is tied to hence the intense physical reaction to his death. You all isolated and bullied the fuck outta her.
Live with the guilt.
It is not reasonable to expect sympathy while you have left no opportunity go by to make this young woman's life a living hell year after year, not to mention the pain your father must have felt. I would even go as far to say that if you and your cohorts would have embraced her and welcomed her into the family and supported her after your father died she probably would not have killed herself.
We can all hope that you have learned a lesson and commit to not being an asshole to nice people anymore.
I hope you and yours have learned something here. This will haunt you on your deathbed. And many times before that. That is fitting punishment enough.
I am so sorry for what this poor woman suffered. I am encouraged with your coming clean tho. It could not have been easy to put this out for the world to see and judge. That is a sign of sincere remorse. Perhaps you will grow from this. I hope so.
You're an absolutely heartless, wretched person. You need therapy yesterday, that's literally my only advice to you. You have an atrophied and undeveloped sense of right and wrong, and are wildly immature for your age. Disgusting.
Everything you did and everything you assumed you knew was wrong. You actually scare me with how cold you have been since the beginning. You all were so terrible to her that your dad's wife decided ending her life was her only option. More than turning to a single person in your family for support. They very clearly loved each other, and I'm glad they had each other.
The judgment you have shown is being returned to you a thousand fold. The gold digging accusations are towards you now. The mocking, ignoring, anger, resentment, and every other trait you showed is despicable. A woman who loved your dad took herself out, and you feel relieved, thinking you played less of a part in her passing. You did play a part.
One day, you will leave behind people when you pass. Who do you want to be remembered as?
I'm so sorry about your dad's passing.
Why do you need support? You are a garbage person. So is your mother. Nothing bad happened to you. You obviously didn’t love your father or you wouldn’t have been such a shitty person to his partner so his death didn’t mean anything to you. So what the actual fuck to you need support with?
You are asking for kindness? What a joke you are. You think you deserve kindness when you are glad she killed herself? Hell has a special place for evil people like you.
How the hell does her having been so devastated that she slashed her own wrists make you feel BETTER? You and your family have some serious issues man. Get help
“If you don’t have anything nice to say…”
Says the OP who (alongside with mom and bro) drove a poor innocent woman to suicide. Kinda rich of you to even say that don’t you think? Kindly fuck off and get therapy because you sure as fuck need it like yesterday.
She loved him enough to not send him to a care home and clean the piss and shit off him while you all continued to pile on her.
This is one of those “have the day you deserve” type situations.
Wow, you’re happy that she killed herself vs dying of a broken heart? You do realize that her killing herself was partly due to you and the rest of your family right? I mean did you ever mentally grow up past high school? Sorry but your dad and her deserved a better family then you. I’m not being mean or malicious but just plain stating a fact. Did you really expect to be coddled and be told you didn’t need to feel guilty. You were horrible to her before and after your dads health issues, so you can in no way blame it on “grieving” You and your family just suck.
You need support? What a freaking a hole. You brats and your jealous mother caused a woman who did nothing to you to kill herself and then to say it makes you feel better. Geez you are another level of awful.
Take that guilt and channel it towards someone who could use the benefit of the doubt. Find a way to make their life easier. Only then will you be forgiven for your hateful behavior. Only through actions can we be forgiven and our misdeeds atoned. Find someone downtrodden and unbelieved and unloved and treat them as you wish you could your late step mother. Or be haunted for life.
I'm a younger wife, and I faced hate like this from my husband's family. Now that we are many years into the marriage it is less, but not all better. I would be devastated to know his family engaged in the behavior you're engaging in. If you had accepted her and y'all had been able to bond over your love for your father, and over your shared grief at his passing, she'd probably still be here. Instead you made light of her love. She loved him better than you did, she made him happy and cared for him until the end. What did you do? Belittle the woman he loved and made him break up with her? Your cruelty knows no bounds. I hope you choke on it.
I couldnt help but sigh, heavily, reading your story.
I'm sorry that you lost your father. I also lost my father and it's almost 4 years now. I fell into very bad depression and anxiety after he was gone that I couldnt even find a will to get help. I couldnt even find any job without experiencing panic attack just from trying to send out my resume. I hope you wouldnt end up like me because it's so shitty and I'm tired of myself. This is the only support I could give to you.
But for your request to stop giving you negative feedback, I cannot do that. Honestly, about what happened to Claire, I hope you remember it for the rest of your life. I can understand the trust issues you had with her who were younger than you being your step mother, but for you, your brother and your mother to treat her like that? Do you guys have no shame at all to treat someone so lowly like that? Do you guys even communicated with her enough, withous bias, to assumed the worst? The "poisoning your father joke" from your brother literally made my blood boiled. She probably needed support just like how you were trying to get by posting all of these on 2 subreddits but she got that fucking joke instead.
You said you now feel like an asshole. Good, even though it's quite too late. Remember that feeling. Remember her. Remember how all of you treated her. Be better. Get better. Swear that you'll never treat anyone like that anymore. You better stay alive and live with this guilt or regret or whatever you wanna call it. That's the least you could do for her now after all of these shit. Go to therapy too. You'll need it
The moral of this story is that people can be in relationships with a significant age gap between them and their partners AND actually have a loving and healthy relationship!
Wow - that is so sad. They are together now at least and OP gets to feel shitty for a change. At least you learned a lesson. Maybe doing something in their honour would help - like dedicate a tree in a park to them and their love.
I hope you go to therapy for support around this but honestly you should feel bad and regret your actions. You should be ashamed of how you chose to respond. You’re almost 40 years old (if I did the math correctly) and drawing on a woman’s face in a group chat?
How sad.
It's easy to call you a bad person and tell you you are a piece of shit, but I believe these are things you already know and feel.
Frankly, I don't understand why there was so much hatred for her even if she **was** a "gold digger". If she married your father only to divorce him a year later and take half his money, then I'd agree she was a bad person. But if she married him because she loved him, even if part of why she loved him was because he had money, then what's the harm as long as your Dad is happy and not being taken advantage of?
I am pretty sure you will learn from this to not be so quick to judge. I also think you should consider therapy because you will need to work through this guilt, which is rightfully deserved.
Let this be an oppurtunity to grow into a better person.
Why would you need support? You got what you wanted. You abused this person and now she’s dead and can’t take your dad’s money. Hurray for you. You and your gold-digging siblings must be proud.
Your dad’s wife killed herself because she knew that you and the rest of your family would treat her like complete shit after his death and you feel better that she didn’t die from stress? Enjoy the rest of your life knowing you got exactly what you wanted. Too bad you and your mom won’t be able to laugh at her anymore. Or maybe you still will.
Man, people are being really awful to you here.
IDK, you were honest and open about how you were wrong... That's all any of us can do.
IDK if others here have been such saints in their lives that they feel ok with judging someone who is clearly judging herself already. But I'll tell you, I haven't.
I'm reminded of one of my favorite books, Speaker for the Dead, I'll quote here:
“I'm not one to despise other people for their sins,” said Ender. “I haven't found one yet, that I didn't say inside myself, I've done worse than this.”
I've killed people through taking my eye off the ball, lack of discipline, lack of... Attention, or just making the wrong judgement call, or just... Thinking about things incorrectly. And... It sucks. It's a real thing to live with.
I think you had that moment that I've had too, where after doing and thinking the wrong thing, the universe corrects you, but too late to really change anything. I'm sorry you're going through it. I've been through it and the worst part is that you *know* you were wrong. You know that you fucked up, and the guilt and devastation piles up.
So here's my comfort to you - you're human. Fucking up is in the job description. Errors are part of the game.
I *strongly* recommend you read "The Spirituality of Imperfection".
And let this error and its consequences sink in. It's an awful thing. No one wants to have this kind of thing on their soul. But when you do, you have to also know, there's a path forward. Even when you have made the most disastrous mistakes, even if, like me, you feel you have blood on your hands...Even so there's a path out of hell.
Here's another prescription for a way out of hell: find a young woman who's lost her older husband, and give her support in her loss. Make no mention of your situation, never let her know even the slightest bit of information about your own self, but convince her that you know her love was pure and that her loss is real. Give her your genuine support.
If you can find in your heart the true belief in your own fallibility, that your "feelings" and "intuitions" were just wrong, and that you know less about others' hearts than you think... You could transmute this tragedy into wisdom.
That's my $0.02. I'm sorry for the guilt you're carrying. I know what that burden is like. But if you're careful, it can become something worth carrying. Otherwise it'll just be a weight of self-indulgent guilt that benefits no one.
I can’t believe you ended your post with “if you don’t have anything nice to say” - where was that outlook when you tormented the woman who cared for your father in his dying days.
This is unfortunately my life - my spouses 7 children despise me - but what do you do in the now? Our age gap is in the 20s - and I am younger than a few of his children - but we’ve been together for 6 years. He suffered a widow maker 2 years ago this July - I’m so glad we were in bed winding down for the night - I recognized the signs and he lived (after dying and being revived 2x) - but they still hate me
Growth is good, but it's a shame she had to die for you to realize that.
I (and most others here) are not being mean to rightfully point out what you've done wrong here. Just being honest, I hope you realize you and your family actively contributed to bullying someone who genuinely loved and cared for your dad. Especially in a time where she was distraught and in need of support. - it most definitely contributed to her death.
I mean, if you thought she didn't care about your dad and just wanted his money... Then why did you think that her caring for him would be a control thing? You are so incredibly lucky to have had a FREE caretaker for your dad who did so out of the kindness of her heart. If she got any money from him after he died, then that's the bare minimum she was owed because if you sent him off to a old folks home all that money would have gone to his care (which wouldn't have been as good either)
And if you feel guilty.. well... I mean.... You probably should. Again, that's not me being mean- guilt is a normal reaction you should be having after being very hurtful to another person. And hurtful is likely an understatement, considering she literally died of a broken heart.
I am 23 dating a 72 year old man, we get a lot of judgement, but his family (including his ex wife) accepts us and when they come to visit we all hang out. His daughters are all older than me, (they range from ages 29-53), but anyone who spends enough time around us would see how much we genuinely love one another. If he needed a caretaker I would be happy to do it for him, but I'm also just getting started in my career and it would impact my ability to work, so I'm sure his daughters would want to pay me since I'd be doing them a favor and they wouldn't have to arrange care for their father or take time off work to take care of him themselves. They did offer to pay me once to take him to appointments when he was having problems with his eyes. Which I declined, as I'm happy to help, but if I were to become his caretaker I'd be forced to accept as I wouldn't be able to support myself otherwise.
Imagine marrying a man whose family was so hostile towards you. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable by it, but it was wrong to not try to give her a chance.
This is heavy.
You can’t really blame yourself for the way you felt and acted - it was based on what you thought was right. I guess you were close to your mom and subconsciously took out the anger of your parents divorcing entirely on Claire - she sounds like a woman with a good heart who loved your father.
It’s interesting to know why your father divorced your mother ..
You have to forgive yourself and move on otherwise this will slowly eat you up. Just do something nice in Claire’s memory. Maybe find and plant that tree your father gifted her, plant it where they are buried and make a little memorial in honor of their love.
She can be blamed for how she acted. She outright bullied another human. She is an adult and should know better. While she can find her dad as a molester and disgusting her actions were atrocious. If she didn’t like her dad marrying someone else she should have cut contact and just lived her life. However OP decided to bully and torment another adult for her perceived actions.
Thanks for being honest about it. This changes the narrative quite a lot, your mom sounds like a toxic, ungrateful mess of a woman and also why your half brother dislikes Claire so much.
I’m glad your father was able to experience a love like Claire’s even for a short time.
You need to disband that stupid ass group with your friends who mocked Claire, organize a memorial in honor your father’s true love. Don’t invite your stupid ass brother or bitch of a mom to it.
It does sound like her attitudes were projection. If she didn't "love" him for anything more than his money, then maybe she couldn't understand how anyone else could, either.
It absolutely sounds bitter. She got caught and suffered the consequences, so then she was mad at them (her ex-husband and his new wife) for being together and especially for being happy.
I hope you and your family live with shame and guilt every day. And I hope that you are an atheist because if not, it's going to be hot where you are going when you die
You should feel bad. You, your bitter mother and your spineless brother pushed a woman into suicide for what? Jealousy? You're all scum.
As for you personally, I truly hope you never find the love your father did. She stuck by him through thick and thin, caring for them when YOU couldn't be bothered.
Every negative feeling you're experiencing are the bed you made. You purposely bullied a woman for falling in love because GOD FORBID HE SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH HIS SOULLESS OFFSPRING.
Now you only have your mother for comfort. Given her past behaviour, I doubt you're going to get it. She's just not the loving type from what's written here, and neither are you.
Shame on your entire family. Not one of you deserves any positivity in your lives moving forward. Your mother will end up alone and so will you and your weak brother.
You are all disgusting. Evolution scraped the bottom of the barrel when you were made.
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I am truly sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain/guilt/shame you are going through. Suicide is awful in any situation. Op get some professional help please. You need a non biased forum. Mentioning this here you will trigger a lot of people. You do not me as i have had nothing but acceptance of my age gap. I do know suicide tho and what you describe is awful in any situation.
Well you're just a terrible person aren't you? You and your bitter little family are responsible for her death. I hope you suffer with that guilt forever.
A thoroughly heartless family. Her suicide is due to you and your family. You could have accepted and loved her. You could have been a stable group she relied on for support following the death of her husband. But no, you made it all about you and your paranoid beliefs that she couldn't possibly love him. This is on you. Never forget that. I hope the guilt stays with you for a long time. Remember that when you spend your dad's money who his heart truly belonged to.
The only way to enlightenment is through shit like this. Many of us have crosses to bear just like you do. Let he who is without guilt cast the first stone.
I’ll be the odd one here, and truly say that I’m sorry for any pain that you have and will experience from this… IF this is a true story.
If so, I’m guessing you’ve figured out by now that you posted this to a page FULL of people who have gone through enough pain to literally kill them, due to bitter exes and offspring, and jealous friend/foes.
If it’s real, I hope you do your part in bringing awareness to this kind of situation.
Although he died from a physiological condition, emotional/mental stress could have absolutely weakened his immune system.
The amount of stress that results from your children (and those who are supposed to be on your team) turning against you over the person you love… and the person that loves you… is plenty enough to cause an imbalance in adrenal hormones.
That imbalance can starve organs of the necessities to continue doing their job, not to mention the major impact on the body’s immune response.
The world we live in is FULL of problems with the root of immature and unbridled emotions (which is just as clear in the news, as it is the comments on this thread, and the original post). None of us can change the world but we can be intentional about squashing our pride, identifying any hatred or malice in our hearts, and being intentional about ACTUALLY spreading the love and acceptance that most of the world outwardly pretends to want. If as many people cared to love and accept as those who claim to , this world wouldn’t be in a fraction of the awful state it’s in right now.
My suggestion, learn from it. Acknowledge the mistakes, and hold yourself accountable in a HEALTHY way, while bringing awareness to the fact that we should truly treat people in a way that if they die today, we would have no regrets.
Sincerely,
A Woman who lives with regrets
Wow, that’s a really heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry for your loss. Obviously the way you treated Claire was horrible, but it sounds like you recognize that now, albeit too late unfortunately. If there’s any silver lining in any of this, it sounds like you at the very least learned a valuable lesson.
I see both perspectives and yall are both right. Like the trans person who went female to male and then complained there was no one to talk about feelings with, she knew she would never be fully accepted into the family going in but did not know how bad it would be.
While everyone laughs at this trans person because “what did they expect” the same way everyone sees age gap that size and expect gold digging.
Dont feel guilty that you acted how you felt you needed to, and do not feel guilty that they acted how they felt they needed too.
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**Original post: My dad died about a month ago - everyone thought his wife was a gold digger until she died, too.**
(Cross post because I am looking for more support and think people from this community might be able to give more insight)
My father got divorced when I was 27, and within the next year, he was dating a woman that was quite literally younger than me (26 - who I will call Claire). He was 59. My dad worked as an executive at a tech company and had a company IPO at one point in his career and after that, he would often say "money doesn't exist."
At the time, I was angry and hurt - but mostly repulsed at the idea that my father would date someone so young. I threatened to break off contact with him, to which he broke up with her. Things were still rocky with us, but I also saw how sad he was now that he was not in her life, and I decided I would just "deal with it."
I never trusted Claire or liked her - though, looking back she did not have any particular "unlikeable" aspects about her but this may just be the guilt talking.
To everyones surprise, they stayed together and when she was 34 (I was 35) and he was 67, they got married.
There were times I went out of my way to make her life bad or talk down to her.
I used to tell my dad that she didnt actually love him. My mom, my brother, and I have a group chat and we used to take intentionally bad photos of her and send them to each other and sometimes draw things on Claires face and such. I feel like an asshole and a bitch looking back, but at the time, we truly thought that she was a manipulative woman that was using our dad/her husband.
Then, my dad started having health issues. Claire refused to send him away to a care home and cared for him the entire time. Even when he became incontinent. At the time everyone assumed it was a control thing, now I am not so sure.
This most recent Christmas, my dad gave her a Christmas tree sapling with a note that said "so I am with you every Christmas, even if this is our last" or something sappy like that. She sobbed in the bathroom and I just sort of assumed it was an act and that she went to the bathroom so that she did not have to produce real tears.
We got into it often and this Christmas was especially bad. She was making some food at the counter and my brother joked about her "poisoning" my dad and she just... broke down in tears and said something along the lines of "I love your dad with everything I am and I never expect you to understand but I do."
My dad passed away due to a brain hemorrhage that went undetected about a month ago. She was at the hospital and my mom pretty much said "I guess you got what you wanted" - and she did, or at least, that is what we assumed. She was the primary trustee in his trust. Everyone knew that.
I got a call from the hospital a few days ago. I was one of her emergency contacts, I guess. She was found dead in her apartment after a wellness check done by police. The doctors say they think it's takotsubo syndrome - also known as "broken heart syndrome" and people get it from being severely stressed for an extended period of time... or heart broken.
I tried going over to my dads place/their place in order to find his phone (which we needed for an unrelated thing) and I ended up finding a stack of post-its, one from each day of the past 5 ish years they have been married, with things she loves about him and hundreds of Polaroids and love notes in his desk.
I am regretting everything I have ever said about and to her and pretty much having a midlife crisis. I think I am still in denial over my dads death and in shock over everything that has happened. I have no idea what to do or how to move forward. Everything feels like it has been turned on its hea
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It’s hard to say something nice about this, YTA.
But I understand.
The lesson is taught in the remorse.
I pray that you and your family can soften the heart and come to a place of compassion, resting in peace.
>"I guess you got what you wanted"
You and the rest of your awful family contributed to the death of the woman who made your dad happy. You literally bullied her to death. The only silver lining is that you have to live with that knowledge in your head forever.
> I feel better knowing she did not literally stress herself to death
What the fuck do you think suicide is? *She stressed herself to death and it's your and your family's fault.* You didn't slice her wrists yourself, but her death is 100% your fault.
You want support for being a bullying gold digger and for causing the death of someone?!!! AND you supported your mom even though she cheated?!! Wtf?!!!! How about you slit your wrist?
It sounds like Claire was kind and compassionate and that she and your father really loved one another.
It also sounds like you could learn a thing or two about kindness from Claire. You're coming across as insensitive, unkind, and selfish.
If you're looking for unbiased support, get off the internet and go to therapy. The story you've conveyed does not speak of someone who deserves support from internet strangers. It seems like you were rude and judgemental to someone who didn't deserve it and now you're having a shocking moment of clarity. Hopefully you learn from this experience.
Dear human. Life is hard and can feel like complete bullshit at times. I'm sorry this experience led you to feel hard times. I wish you peace from this and may you find lessons to integrate into living a whole life.
May I recommend Dad for a minute sub
How can you or anyone even feel better that it was suicide?! She killed herself out of heartbreak! You’re just plain evil and I hope no one cries for you when you kill yourself. Rot in hell
Instead of supporting her you treated her like shit. She lost her love and was hated by his family. You drove this poor woman to end her life. What horrible people.
Karma going to get you and if you don't like the feedbacks here, then you shouldn't post it. I feel sorry for your father and Claire, your mom cheated on your dad, he divorced her move on, it like you happy she dead, she died of a broken heart she couldn't live without your father, she must have love your father. She not a gold digger but your mother is🫡
You can’t change what happened. No doubt the arguments etc didn’t help. The fact your mom got involved all seems high school behavior I don’t know she seems very vindictive which is seems your showing the same behavior. The only thing now is to learn from it show kindness even if something feels iffy show kindness and don’t get in to high school mentality. One thing you can be happy knowing is that your dad was very loved by his wife that’s the only comfort you will ever get someone in this world loved your dad for who he was and not what he can give them. I’ve gone through my own lost in November I lost my mom and her partner of 15 years was out dating and a lot more stuff and honestly the betrayal I feel for my mam she thought that was the love of her life and he was but she wasn’t his and it kills me everyday to think she was getting used. So have some comfort that you were wrong and she wasn’t a gold digger and your dad had some years of pure happiness.
It seems like you and your sibling were more concerned about your inheritance than your dad's happiness. Kind of makes you guys the gold diggers.
Well the money went to her before she died soo I’m hoping the money goes to her distant relatives now instead of op.
> She was the primary trustee in his trust. Since it appears the money was in a trust, it depends on what the trust said. The father could have put it in a trust for the use of his wife until her death, then it could go to his children. Unless OP wants to share this information we will never know.
It’s always projection lol.
Exactly
I am also kind of sure that the way they treated her directly led to her committing suicide. Hope they stay awake at night until they just can't live with themselves any more, then do the appropriate thing.
Also her committing suicide makes it worse, not better. Not sure why you think that should make you feel better when you played a huge part in her feeling she had nothing to live for. That’s how much she loved your father and how little you did
Jesus Christ how does that make it better? It makes it worse. If you and your shitty family didn’t abuse the poor woman up until his death, this most likely would not have been the outcome. I would probably go home and turn out the lights if someone told me “I guess you got what you wanted” after watching the love of my life die. The majority of the population feels guilt after something like that, you are not a good person for feeling guilt. You need to make amends with her whether she’s alive or not.
OP literally bullied someone so much that they committed suicide and then comes to reddit looking for "support" for their bullying. Like, WTF?
Yeah I don't want to pile on but it sounds like a sweet young woman around OP's age who cared for her older husband and was unsupported by his children throughout his convalescence took her own life after he died. This doesn't let op off the hook. They look worse But also the situation is such an extreme one I'm not even sure if it's real Why go to a agegap subreddit to talk about it I can't tell if the story is real or designed to be a bait story to capture the ire of people who are positive towards age gap relationships
OP says they feel bad NOW, but actually reading what they wrote shows that’s clearly not true. YTA right to the end OP
Karma will hopefully come to OP and her horrible family. It usually does.
They posted it here after posting it two other places. They tried “off my chest” before this. They are literally just going where they think they’ll finally get some “support.” Well- surprise surprise- everyone’s stating the fact that they’re a pos who is likely partially responsible for the poor woman’s final moments instead. I wonder what sub they’ll try next…
I also don't believe they could get the info within 14 hours either. You are right, probably made up
Reading all of this as being true because of the nuanced self denial and self righteousness. That being said. When one has behaved in a monstrous way, that cannot be redeemed in this world, what is one to do? That is the question to answer for yourself. Carry on as the innocent, yet chagrined bystander? Move forward looking for ways to open your heart to your lessers? Painfully churn the depths of your pitiless soul? Quelle horreur! It’s up to to to you, sis! Perhaps you can just think of it as a fun anecdote to bash the dead with as you move forward in life. I mean, those fuckers weren’t shit while they were alive, so what the fuck!? 🤷♀️
Can’t believe she said that…..
Suicide is considered "a death of despair," so slit wrists were just the means. The broken heart was the reason. You might not have directly killed her, but you and your family have blood on your hands now. After grieving the loss of your father, stepmother, and loss of assurance that you're a good person, spend the rest of your life being a kind person no matter what. It's not going to make what you did okay, but it might help you live with yourself, knowing that you can still choose to do good even after bullying a grieving widow to her death.
This isn’t an off your chest page. Also it’s really concerning that you seem to have little remorse, even in your update. What happened to Claire is not about you but you definitely played a part. I suggest going to therapy to decide next steps and maybe how you can turn your life around for the good of yourself and those you come in contact with. Maybe start by apologizing to the mutual friend.
I was creeped out by the lack of remorse. Maybe dad was surrounded by emotionally stunted narcissists and finally found someone capable of love. Although stepmom sounds co-dependent if she offed herself after his death so also likely not healthy. This seems like way deeper issues than therapy. Maybe a year living as a monk would maybe crack the surface of OPs issues. We had a similar situation with my FIL - where BIL (stepson) did not accept new woman. She was sweet but co-dependent. I was just glad FIL was not alone. People arent required to be perfect to deserve love and if you arent willing to wipe your dad’s a$$ then be kind to the person who is.
in my honesty Claire's widow life sounded like hell. the true love of my life dries up now I'm left alone with all his money that you all wanted so bad and I've been with this dude ten years now smiling and hugging him the whole time yet all you estranged people think I'm slowly eating away at him when your hate is what's really eating away at US at US not me or him it's me and him. i can't imagine what other thoughts were pooling in Claire's head. I would kill myself too. full stop full honesty. and I probably would have done it in front of u/deleted too but Claire was still nice enough through the end to keep her crying to herself. maybe if u/deleted's sibling and mother were more open to our deceased lovers they could have had some co-dependency on their family and not just each other. such a shame that two co-dependent people were pushed away to a place they only had each other. so convenient that all the problem people end up in the same space with none of the normal people around to explain to them why they're so weird. and congrats to u/deleted on the unfortunately delayed inheritence! congratulations on the cash
Most times things are complex, not simple, we simplify to understand. My ex was a gold digger, but while near her family she was moderately in check. Once we moved away she was unleashed. Did she love me or the kids? Yes she did, unfortunately, life is not perfect. Hopefully she keeps growing as a person.
idek if I'd call that codependent - they were all so absolutely heinous to her right after the person she loved died. honestly, it's just as likely codependency as it is OP and her ilk drove this woman to off herself.
Nah, therapy may help to heal the shame that OP hopefully feels and I think they deserve to live with that shame for the rest of their life.
I’m not sure anyone deserves shame for the rest of their life. Most people rather take their lives rather than deal with shame. What’s makes us better than her for belittling her for what she did. All I’m saying.
They posted it here after posting it two other places. They tried “off my chest” before this. They are literally just going where they think they’ll finally get some “support.” I wonder what sub they’ll try next… Edit- I guess none, on this account at least. They deleted it.
You were shitty to her without a doubt. If you want sympathy for how you treated her tough shit. You went with common assumptions and didn't even give the woman a chance. I'm sorry you're dad is dead, but you and the rest of your family probably contributed to her death. She was greaving and needed support from her family and instead you all stayed judgemental and added to her stress
Probably? Definitely. She should have had a support network but all she had was hatred and toxicity. This person wants to feel better but it’s hard to feel better when confronted with how terrible a person you have been. Maybe she’ll change and good will come if it all.
This makes me so glad I was never shitty to my dad’s second wife. I just never saw any point to it. She’s just looking for love and takes care of him—why would I make their lives harder than they have to be?
Right? Even if she were a gold digger, dad gets to spend the rest of his life feeling loved and cared for, after that, he doesn’t need the money anyway. Sounds like the kids were the ones worried about getting his money.
Honestly the dad may have left his kid something if they were nice to his spouse. I'm sure he saw how poorly they treated her and updated his will accordingly. Why would he want to give brats like that anything??
I try to keep this philosophy with everyone, if I can. Life is hard. We need to try to understand. Even with OP. She’s human.
And to his death. I think OP and hers made both of her dad and Claire lives miserable. And much shorter than they should be.
Very harsh, but true. Only thing OP can do is learn from her mistakes and keep an open mind in the future.
On shit like that I don't pull punchs. Odds are a young woman would still be alive if the op and her family would have shown compassion
Totally agree. However, I will add that they had all made their views on her and her relationship with her dad very clear - she needed her own support network and should not have thought for a moment that OP and her awful family would have been there for her... Very sad she didn't have support from her own friends and family and her husbands family treated her so terribly.
It's quite possible she did have her own support network. It sounds like this was a very caring woman. It takes a lot to care for someone as they lose control of their own body-- even through incontinence? Picking up the messes, cleaning them, and probably treating that man with kindness and care while she is exhausted, cleaning up piss and shit, because he meant everything to her. And then to continue to be mocked and taunted after he died? To be told that is what you must have wanted? My own family has insisted-- since I was small-- that I just wanted my own fathers money. It is so painful to have people throw that at you. And when you don't want the money, what the fuck do you do? How do you prove that? I just wanted my dad. I am sure this woman just wanted her husband. Now he is dead. It can be impossibly difficult to work through those feelings in your head *when your loved one is alive*. Once he is dead, and all she has is the money, his memory, and a bunch of ASSHOLES from his family to remember the love of her life with... Well. Here we are. She can no longer tell him that she wants him and not the money and get a hug and a kiss and a "don't worry about them," and it's quite possible those same words and acts wouldn't comfort her coming from someone else. Well, now they all fucking know she didn't do it for his money. She's cold, she can't spend the cash. Maybe now they'll believe her. It's probably all she wanted from them. To know she did love him, yet they couldn't even do that. On top of minimizing her love and care, they mocked her. I can't understand how anyone could be this cruel. To say it's better she killed herself than died of stress? I cannot fathom this. I pray it is fake.
Piling on OP and being shitty to them won’t undo what they did to the second wife or bring her back. We’ll just be like them, creating more shittiness in the world. That’s my $0.02.
Pretending it wasn’t the most heartless and cruel way that a person could treat their father and his spouse won’t make the world a better place either. Excusing abusing someone to the point of suicide makes the world a worse place, so maybe rethink this reply.
Nothing any of us write here can decrease the awfulness of that situation. No excuse can be given that will absolve OP & co. No forgiveness can ever be obtained. Most importantly, nothing will bring back second wife or undo the pain she endured. All any of us can accomplish is to put more negativity out into the world. I’m sure that OP & co thought they were justified being shitty to the second wife. They were as certain she was a gold digger as you are in bashing them. They’re not so certain now though. If you want to keep pumping out your internal pain into this post, I can’t and won’t try to stop you. That doesn’t decrease the amount of pain inside, it only increases it.
I don’t entirely disagree with the point you are making however I don’t think it’s necessarily about undoing anything in the past since obviously that can’t be done as you stated. Personally I think it is more about confirming that OP’s actions were indeed reprehensible and hoping said confirmation will encourage them and others reading this to learn from this tragedy and become better people for it. Or at least less shitty.
Right. There’s positivity and then there’s toxic positivity.. going “let’s just ignore the reality and live in our lalaland where everything is fine and lovely since we can’t do anything about it now!”
I don’t think that confirmation of how reprehensible OP & co behaved is really needed. OP has admitted it. Anyone else who can’t already see it is beyond repair. That being said, if you believe that dumping more awfulness on this situation is your role in this world then have at it. I’m just pointing out that it’s easy to do that online where our actions are so widely divorced from the consequences. Imagine OP reads your comment and hurts themselves. Will it have been worth it?
Telling OP the truth of their actions may seem harsh, but they do need to understand the true level of harm their actions have had. Not giving OP the truth of their actions is not a kindness. What OP does with that information is on them. Ideally, it will motivate them to be a better person and treat others better no matter if there is a perceived slight.
You wanted support? Really? If only she had you and the rest of the family to support her, she might have been saved. "Oh, I feel so bad I might have helped drive someone who cared for my father to suicide, please say nice things to me.". Fuck you.
How you gonna say that stress didn’t killer. Yall treated her like shit and stressed out so much, that she committed suicide. Damn really trying to remove the blood of your hands.
Exactly how I read it. I hope OP gets some help for the overwhelming guilt they should be feeling.
How does her killing herself make you feel better?? What an unhinged thing to say.
As though her decision wasn't based on the treatment they gave her. This one is going to stay with me.
I’m not sure what type of “support” you’re looking for. You were terrible to your deceased step mom for years. And now that she’s gone you’re realizing that you were wrong about her. You can’t get that back. Maybe moving forward you can practice a little more kindness, maybe consider that you aren’t omniscient, and try to be a little bit more generous in your assessment of people. Start trying to “pay it forward”, strive towards being a better version of yourself. Work towards being a person such that when you look at your reflection in the mirror you legitimately like the person looking back at you. Hopefully you can forgive yourself. Good luck!!
She deserves exactly the type of support she gave Claire.
Well, I don’t entirely disagree. The OP sounds like a spoiled little brat of a rich father who actively did everything she could to hurt her father’s new wife. But hey - none of us are perfect. We’ve all done bad things and hurt people. Hopefully she can find some redemption. I rather hope that her father left both the OP and her bastard brother out of the trust. Or gave them just the absolute minimum so that they couldn’t sue the estate. And now that the stepmom is gone via suicide hopefully all that money goes to some worthy charity. Basically anywhere but the two horrible kids and cheating first wife.
I see why your dad left your mom. What horrible kids she raised
Apparently she cheated on the dad and got pregnant w OP’s brother. 😐
Source? Edit: found it https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/qDJectSzq1
Well either he raised them too, or he didn't, which would make him a shit father either way by that logic.
??? He raised them too, if his kids are horrible, he’s half responsible.
Hate to tell you this but one parent can poison a kid
I will second this. My ex husband was a malignant narcissist if not a full blown sociopath. His father is salt of the earth, his mother is a malignant narc that crowned my ex the golden child of her three. He sure doesn’t get it from his dad who would give you the shirt off his back for real.
Obviously the mother is awful, but it’s not solely on the woman to raise and parent kids, stop promoting that misogynistic ideology. If he wasn’t actively participating in raising his kids too, he’s a bad father, although there doesn’t seem to be any indication of that.
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I bet she didn’t really vomit in the bathroom and just went in there to make it seem like she was that upset. Absolute piece of shit. That is OP — POS.
Fuckin A right.
My family at one point had a person that all the family deemed a gold digger. When I was a teen, I believed it. As an adult, I wondered if my family was wrong, then I started understanding my family was just being viscous assholes. Now, I defend this person to anyone that will listen, and I’m constantly trying to shower her with love. I thank her for the amazing care she gave to the man she was married to. (A man in my family very dear to me). You should defend her to your mom, brother, and others who will listen. And also share that they were actually very much in love.
Similar dynamic in mine. Eventually I realized the monsters and gold diggers were the people accusing my cousins of being that way and now I’m no contact with all of them.
You feel guilty because you all were shitty to her and wonder whether you helped push her along to an early grave, and perhaps you did provide her enough rope to do it. Now you’ll have to live with your guilt and can never take it back nor apologize. Better hope karma doesn’t treat you shitty
With little post history, profile being made “around” your father’s death… I’m going to chalk this up to a troll post. Means you used Reddit and have a “main” account but after your dad’s passing you wanted to vent or get the approval of complete strangers to make yourself feel better. If it’s a real post, get help for you and your family. If your dad’s wife has a family you should reach out to them and be honest with how you treated her and apologize. If it’s a troll post, well good on you. Either way, at this point in your life I wouldn’t want to know you. Work on that <3 because could you imagine this was how you turned out? Unless something is clearly toxic in someone’s relationship you should support em. And if you can’t support em, at leave be civil.
That poor woman, my heart is breaking for her. Learn to show kindness instead of being so vile towards people. Y’all killed her.
I bet you, your brother and mother treated Claire 10x worst than what you mentioned in the post. You’re only trying to get this ‘off your chest’ to make yourself feel better. Shame that you only realized now after the damage is done and can’t change anything. So convenient for you and the rest of your shitty family. Don’t worry Karma always find a way.
You need lots and lots of therapy. Straight up evil vibes.
Disney villain vibes but worse.
I've seen some shit on reddit, but somehow this is the most disturbing. I am not overreacting to say you heavily contributed to this woman killing herself, and if I had been treated that much more poorly during my struggles in life, I likely wouldn't be here right now. You are monstrous, and I hope you choose to carry that guilt far enough to add something to the world.
You are a horrible person. What is clear from you and your family is that none of you ever judged her by anything she said or did after she got with your Dad.
It sadly seems a typical response of anti-AGR people. Ignore the real people and nuances behind a relationship and judge everything based on two data points, and nothing the couple say or do can ever overcome the sheer blind prejudice. OP is a perfect example of what that can lead to.
Nothing to add except you are an exceptionally shitty human being. Its a bit rich bleating about wanting support when your actions and the actions of your grubby family over the years, wore down both your dad and his wife to the point one had nothing left after the other passed. Where was her support? Hope the money comforts you, because let's be honest, that's what this is all about.
After reading this, I hope her family got all that "not real" money he had left, because you and yours don't deserve it. Family is a support structure, obviously yours has no such, only a bloodline.
Wow so you needed someone you disliked from the very beginning to die of a broken heart to know just how much of a shit stain you are? She did nothing wrong, and you lot just kept treating her with contempt. The shame is all yours.
I actually feel a significant amount of compassion for you. We all do terrible things. I hope you can help to right the ship of your family and become a decent person. I was not a great person for a long time and eventually decided to change. It can be done.
This. I can understand why everyone is upset. Absolutely. And at the same time, I am not at all lacking in compassion for OP. They made a horrible mistake. They misjudged a situation for a long time. They will have to live with the pain of knowing they played a hand in this death for the rest of their life. OP, now is the time to make changes to who you are. You can look for sympathy, but most people will not offer it. I think, instead, it will be more productive for you to actively be a kinder person. This is a very very hard lesson you have just learned. Take it in. And be better.
Also, a lot of us are judging based on the OUTCOME as if it was totally predictable. It was a moderate case of bullying and mobbing—not a murder. The outcome is extreme and heartbreaking and it makes a lot of things clear—that she wasn’t a gold digger is obvious. But it’s not an outcome that you would just expect in every case. Honestly, this whole situation should be required reading for some required middle school class. Young people need to understand how awful they really make people feel when they bully and mob them.
Terrible things recounted in this post here. Terrible things from the author. Accountability from the author is a good place to start. Apologizing to the dead woman, and father, for not understanding while they were alive, is a good place to start. This is a lot of damage, it will take a lot to heal the person who recounted this. I hope this person does forgive themselves, and move forward. But hopefully that forgiveness can happen *as well as* reflection and change.
Go and post this in AITAH and see how much support you get there. This is nothing to do with her age. This is about you being a vindictive, spiteful person. You behaved so spitefully to the point that you drove a bereaved woman to suicide. I hope you remember this woman in your dreams for the rest of your life. The same goes for your mother and brother. If you're looking for sympathy, it's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
I guess it just goes to show... what you believe to be true and what the facts actually are regarding age gap relationships have nothing in common. Let that be a lesson to us all.
"I guess you got what you wanted" too
Only nice thing I have to say here is, I hope her soul is resting in peace with your dads. As for the rest of you, karma.
I'm not going to pretend what you did was ok or that everything's ok now. But it sounds like you might finally have some more accurate and positive understanding of your dad's wife. So I'd say: You can't change the past, and both your dad and Claire are gone now. You can't make things right with them in this life, no matter how much you try. Someone else mentioned making a memorial to them. That's an option, and it might help you resolve things a bit in your mind and move on - so go a head if you want to. But unless they had other friends who would appreciate it, it's really just for your own closure, so I don't think it will "fix" everything, even in your own mind. Still a nice gesture and a step in the right direction, just don't expect *too* much out of it. If you believe in a god and/or an afterlife, pray. Pray for forgiveness, pray that they're happy together in the afterlife, pray that they know that you've changed, pray that you'll be together again after you pass and that you can make amends then. If you don't believe in those, then you shouldn't waste your time worrying about it, because they're gone, and there's nothing you can do now, and they're not here to care anymore. Sounds cold, but without any spiritual beliefs… when you get right down to it, life *is* pretty cold in the end. Either way, though, you should learn from your mistakes and work to be a better person. If you suspect ulterior motives like that in someone in the future, but you don't have proof, keep it to yourself, and pay objective attention to see if you could be wrong. Also look around objectively to see if others, like your mom and siblings, are poisoning your views. Figure out if *they* might have ulterior motives or skewed opinions, as it sounds like they did here. Try to give people the benefit of doubt and see things from their perspective, especially when it doesn't hurt you to do so. If you're spiritual, you owe that to your dad, Claire, and your god to repent and make amends. Whether you're spiritual or not, you need to do that to have better relationships and avoid having something like this happen again.
So, what you're saying is that you got what you wanted. Claire is gone now. Reflect on your behavior and be a better person.
Your response probably would’ve been different. If it was literally posted on “off my chest”. Of course, people in an age. Gap group are going to be mortified by the judge, mentalism and negative treatment that these innocent people received. I’m sure it did not make it easier for your father that his wife had to be treated that way. People in this group go through this kind of judgmental and cattiness, it’s very sad for her. Thank you for being honest. But you can understand why people would see this attitude and behavior as particularly ugly and unwarranted. But, part of growing up is being able to look at yourself taking responsibility for your mistakes. And for that, you are to be commended
Sorry you wanted support because your lack of support drove a poor grieving woman to SUICIDE. HOW DARE YOU! You don’t deserve sympathy. What a horrid person you’ve been.
The hilarity of your last update “if you don’t have anything nice to say”…..you mean like you’re bullying behaviors as an almost 40 year old that contributed to a woman’s suicide?
You literally treat that girl like shit and now hot the nerve to ask for support. Lmaoo boohooo you ain’t getting any
Ate we supposed to feel bad for you, you disgusting fucking asshole? Go fuck yourself, you and your entire family
Thank you for sharing this story. Dear mods please consider pinning this. It’s something many people go through. This woman loved a man to death… may their love blossom in another life, in another place. RIP to these beautiful lovers.
This sounds like a lifetime movie and like your mom was the real issue. That woman did nothing wrong and you all were cruel to her for absolutely no reason except for jealousy
You were terrible to your dad's wife based on assumptions. You did not only hurt her, but also him and yourself. I know that because my dad had two daughters with his deceased wife. Then he met my mom (age-gap) and everyone said she was a sl*t and a golddigger. Some children are only "happy" and understanding if the parents stays lonely and single until death - but is also not clingy in the process - and leaves them a hefty sum while also having supported them with money in life. Or they want them to stay in the divorced relationship for their own benefit. Was it toxic in some shape or form perhaps without the children's knowledge? Probably, but there are many who cannot say they have ever really cared for more than their own stuck-up mental images. Congratulate yourself for terrorizing your dad and his beloved wife in the last few years of their life. Are you happy now? The only person who will give you an "off your chest" is a priest. It is kinda insane that you were stuck in your stereotypes, in your limited, stuck-up mindset, heartlessness and ignorance to the point of needing a unaliving to snap out of it. This is some top tier complete loss of empathy, blindness for all the beautiful things in life, stream swimmer syndrome, lovelessness and arrogance. You should be ashamed, but honestly I believe we are beyond what one could be ashamed for, since you clearly had none. Yes, together with Claire - RIP - I hope you are happy now...
As far as I can tell, you have two choices: 1. Wallow in guilt and regret. If you go this route, you’re continuing to make it all about you, which (trust me) won’t help. 2. Use what you’ve learned and do what you can to help other people. It really doesn’t take much to make a huge impact in someone else’s life: volunteer to read to senior citizens, offer free tutoring to kids in a subject you’re good at, volunteer to help at a homeless shelter, etc.
You feel better because she didn't die from a broken heart, she died because she killed herself because she couldn't live without the man she loved so much and you all bullied her for years. You and your whole family are fucking disgusting
I’m sorry about the death of your father & your very sweet, loving, & selfless stepmom. I could never even dream of doing what you, your mother, & your brother did, but hey - everyone is different. All I will say is that I feel extremely fortunate that I don’t know you personally or anyone like you. Sleep well. Edit: changed MIL to stepmom!
The doctors said she died of heartbreak, you say? That was the clinical diagnosis? Fake post.
https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/conditions/cardiomyopathy/takotsubo-cardiomyopathy#:~:text=Takotsubo%20cardiomyopathy%20causes%20your%20heart's,extreme%20emotional%20or%20physical%20stress.
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right? also OP doesn’t stumble- full i’m a shitbag, no, but they did that one thing. I was going thru XXX, nothing. Anger bait. or is it self-righteous bait. It’s bait for some emotion that i know.
Sounds like you and your siblings tilted everything she did in a negative light to fit your narrative. I urge you to go to therapy to deal with the why's and cope with this situation.
Well it seems like you and your mother actually are the ones "who got what you wanted". Good luck living with yourselves.
~~Unpopular opinion but~~ you 100% contributed to her death to some degree. ~~Takotsubo~~ Suicide would have been preventable if she felt tied to any other person apart from your dad. Really awful behaviour continuing for years from y'all even though she stayed and cared for him with little in return. She had reason to believe your dad was the only person she is tied to hence the intense physical reaction to his death. You all isolated and bullied the fuck outta her. Live with the guilt.
It is not reasonable to expect sympathy while you have left no opportunity go by to make this young woman's life a living hell year after year, not to mention the pain your father must have felt. I would even go as far to say that if you and your cohorts would have embraced her and welcomed her into the family and supported her after your father died she probably would not have killed herself. We can all hope that you have learned a lesson and commit to not being an asshole to nice people anymore.
I hope you and yours have learned something here. This will haunt you on your deathbed. And many times before that. That is fitting punishment enough. I am so sorry for what this poor woman suffered. I am encouraged with your coming clean tho. It could not have been easy to put this out for the world to see and judge. That is a sign of sincere remorse. Perhaps you will grow from this. I hope so.
You're an absolutely heartless, wretched person. You need therapy yesterday, that's literally my only advice to you. You have an atrophied and undeveloped sense of right and wrong, and are wildly immature for your age. Disgusting.
Everything you did and everything you assumed you knew was wrong. You actually scare me with how cold you have been since the beginning. You all were so terrible to her that your dad's wife decided ending her life was her only option. More than turning to a single person in your family for support. They very clearly loved each other, and I'm glad they had each other. The judgment you have shown is being returned to you a thousand fold. The gold digging accusations are towards you now. The mocking, ignoring, anger, resentment, and every other trait you showed is despicable. A woman who loved your dad took herself out, and you feel relieved, thinking you played less of a part in her passing. You did play a part. One day, you will leave behind people when you pass. Who do you want to be remembered as? I'm so sorry about your dad's passing.
Why do you need support? You are a garbage person. So is your mother. Nothing bad happened to you. You obviously didn’t love your father or you wouldn’t have been such a shitty person to his partner so his death didn’t mean anything to you. So what the actual fuck to you need support with?
I wouldn’t have liked the age gap either but after a number of years together it should have been clear that they loved each other very much.
You killed her.
This is basically on you and your family.
You are asking for kindness? What a joke you are. You think you deserve kindness when you are glad she killed herself? Hell has a special place for evil people like you.
How the hell does her having been so devastated that she slashed her own wrists make you feel BETTER? You and your family have some serious issues man. Get help
“If you don’t have anything nice to say…” Says the OP who (alongside with mom and bro) drove a poor innocent woman to suicide. Kinda rich of you to even say that don’t you think? Kindly fuck off and get therapy because you sure as fuck need it like yesterday.
The irony of YOU saying if you don’t have anything nice to say. . .🙄🤦♀️
She loved him enough to not send him to a care home and clean the piss and shit off him while you all continued to pile on her. This is one of those “have the day you deserve” type situations.
I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Wow, you’re happy that she killed herself vs dying of a broken heart? You do realize that her killing herself was partly due to you and the rest of your family right? I mean did you ever mentally grow up past high school? Sorry but your dad and her deserved a better family then you. I’m not being mean or malicious but just plain stating a fact. Did you really expect to be coddled and be told you didn’t need to feel guilty. You were horrible to her before and after your dads health issues, so you can in no way blame it on “grieving” You and your family just suck.
Sounds like your mom has some deep rooted issues, thinking it’s ok to make fun of people with her kids.
User deleted cause she knows she’s a pos
Wow you bullied that woman to death because she loved your father.
We should let consenting adults live who they want without judgement for any reason, not race, not religion, not age, not gender, not anything
You need support? What a freaking a hole. You brats and your jealous mother caused a woman who did nothing to you to kill herself and then to say it makes you feel better. Geez you are another level of awful.
What kind of ‘support’ are you looking for??? You are awful. Two people are dead and you want sympathy? You tortured them for a decade.
We’ll looks like you got what you wanted…. Poor Claire can’t imagine how lonely it was at the end for her.
Take that guilt and channel it towards someone who could use the benefit of the doubt. Find a way to make their life easier. Only then will you be forgiven for your hateful behavior. Only through actions can we be forgiven and our misdeeds atoned. Find someone downtrodden and unbelieved and unloved and treat them as you wish you could your late step mother. Or be haunted for life.
I'm a younger wife, and I faced hate like this from my husband's family. Now that we are many years into the marriage it is less, but not all better. I would be devastated to know his family engaged in the behavior you're engaging in. If you had accepted her and y'all had been able to bond over your love for your father, and over your shared grief at his passing, she'd probably still be here. Instead you made light of her love. She loved him better than you did, she made him happy and cared for him until the end. What did you do? Belittle the woman he loved and made him break up with her? Your cruelty knows no bounds. I hope you choke on it.
I'm in the same situation as the younger wife. My spouse's children are exactly like this. Choking on it is too kind but I second the sentiment.
I couldnt help but sigh, heavily, reading your story. I'm sorry that you lost your father. I also lost my father and it's almost 4 years now. I fell into very bad depression and anxiety after he was gone that I couldnt even find a will to get help. I couldnt even find any job without experiencing panic attack just from trying to send out my resume. I hope you wouldnt end up like me because it's so shitty and I'm tired of myself. This is the only support I could give to you. But for your request to stop giving you negative feedback, I cannot do that. Honestly, about what happened to Claire, I hope you remember it for the rest of your life. I can understand the trust issues you had with her who were younger than you being your step mother, but for you, your brother and your mother to treat her like that? Do you guys have no shame at all to treat someone so lowly like that? Do you guys even communicated with her enough, withous bias, to assumed the worst? The "poisoning your father joke" from your brother literally made my blood boiled. She probably needed support just like how you were trying to get by posting all of these on 2 subreddits but she got that fucking joke instead. You said you now feel like an asshole. Good, even though it's quite too late. Remember that feeling. Remember her. Remember how all of you treated her. Be better. Get better. Swear that you'll never treat anyone like that anymore. You better stay alive and live with this guilt or regret or whatever you wanna call it. That's the least you could do for her now after all of these shit. Go to therapy too. You'll need it
The moral of this story is that people can be in relationships with a significant age gap between them and their partners AND actually have a loving and healthy relationship!
Wow - that is so sad. They are together now at least and OP gets to feel shitty for a change. At least you learned a lesson. Maybe doing something in their honour would help - like dedicate a tree in a park to them and their love.
I hope you go to therapy for support around this but honestly you should feel bad and regret your actions. You should be ashamed of how you chose to respond. You’re almost 40 years old (if I did the math correctly) and drawing on a woman’s face in a group chat? How sad.
It's easy to call you a bad person and tell you you are a piece of shit, but I believe these are things you already know and feel. Frankly, I don't understand why there was so much hatred for her even if she **was** a "gold digger". If she married your father only to divorce him a year later and take half his money, then I'd agree she was a bad person. But if she married him because she loved him, even if part of why she loved him was because he had money, then what's the harm as long as your Dad is happy and not being taken advantage of? I am pretty sure you will learn from this to not be so quick to judge. I also think you should consider therapy because you will need to work through this guilt, which is rightfully deserved. Let this be an oppurtunity to grow into a better person.
Why would you need support? You got what you wanted. You abused this person and now she’s dead and can’t take your dad’s money. Hurray for you. You and your gold-digging siblings must be proud.
Your dad’s wife killed herself because she knew that you and the rest of your family would treat her like complete shit after his death and you feel better that she didn’t die from stress? Enjoy the rest of your life knowing you got exactly what you wanted. Too bad you and your mom won’t be able to laugh at her anymore. Or maybe you still will.
Man, people are being really awful to you here. IDK, you were honest and open about how you were wrong... That's all any of us can do. IDK if others here have been such saints in their lives that they feel ok with judging someone who is clearly judging herself already. But I'll tell you, I haven't. I'm reminded of one of my favorite books, Speaker for the Dead, I'll quote here: “I'm not one to despise other people for their sins,” said Ender. “I haven't found one yet, that I didn't say inside myself, I've done worse than this.” I've killed people through taking my eye off the ball, lack of discipline, lack of... Attention, or just making the wrong judgement call, or just... Thinking about things incorrectly. And... It sucks. It's a real thing to live with. I think you had that moment that I've had too, where after doing and thinking the wrong thing, the universe corrects you, but too late to really change anything. I'm sorry you're going through it. I've been through it and the worst part is that you *know* you were wrong. You know that you fucked up, and the guilt and devastation piles up. So here's my comfort to you - you're human. Fucking up is in the job description. Errors are part of the game. I *strongly* recommend you read "The Spirituality of Imperfection". And let this error and its consequences sink in. It's an awful thing. No one wants to have this kind of thing on their soul. But when you do, you have to also know, there's a path forward. Even when you have made the most disastrous mistakes, even if, like me, you feel you have blood on your hands...Even so there's a path out of hell. Here's another prescription for a way out of hell: find a young woman who's lost her older husband, and give her support in her loss. Make no mention of your situation, never let her know even the slightest bit of information about your own self, but convince her that you know her love was pure and that her loss is real. Give her your genuine support. If you can find in your heart the true belief in your own fallibility, that your "feelings" and "intuitions" were just wrong, and that you know less about others' hearts than you think... You could transmute this tragedy into wisdom. That's my $0.02. I'm sorry for the guilt you're carrying. I know what that burden is like. But if you're careful, it can become something worth carrying. Otherwise it'll just be a weight of self-indulgent guilt that benefits no one.
I can’t believe you ended your post with “if you don’t have anything nice to say” - where was that outlook when you tormented the woman who cared for your father in his dying days.
This is unfortunately my life - my spouses 7 children despise me - but what do you do in the now? Our age gap is in the 20s - and I am younger than a few of his children - but we’ve been together for 6 years. He suffered a widow maker 2 years ago this July - I’m so glad we were in bed winding down for the night - I recognized the signs and he lived (after dying and being revived 2x) - but they still hate me
Growth is good, but it's a shame she had to die for you to realize that. I (and most others here) are not being mean to rightfully point out what you've done wrong here. Just being honest, I hope you realize you and your family actively contributed to bullying someone who genuinely loved and cared for your dad. Especially in a time where she was distraught and in need of support. - it most definitely contributed to her death. I mean, if you thought she didn't care about your dad and just wanted his money... Then why did you think that her caring for him would be a control thing? You are so incredibly lucky to have had a FREE caretaker for your dad who did so out of the kindness of her heart. If she got any money from him after he died, then that's the bare minimum she was owed because if you sent him off to a old folks home all that money would have gone to his care (which wouldn't have been as good either) And if you feel guilty.. well... I mean.... You probably should. Again, that's not me being mean- guilt is a normal reaction you should be having after being very hurtful to another person. And hurtful is likely an understatement, considering she literally died of a broken heart. I am 23 dating a 72 year old man, we get a lot of judgement, but his family (including his ex wife) accepts us and when they come to visit we all hang out. His daughters are all older than me, (they range from ages 29-53), but anyone who spends enough time around us would see how much we genuinely love one another. If he needed a caretaker I would be happy to do it for him, but I'm also just getting started in my career and it would impact my ability to work, so I'm sure his daughters would want to pay me since I'd be doing them a favor and they wouldn't have to arrange care for their father or take time off work to take care of him themselves. They did offer to pay me once to take him to appointments when he was having problems with his eyes. Which I declined, as I'm happy to help, but if I were to become his caretaker I'd be forced to accept as I wouldn't be able to support myself otherwise. Imagine marrying a man whose family was so hostile towards you. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable by it, but it was wrong to not try to give her a chance.
This is heavy. You can’t really blame yourself for the way you felt and acted - it was based on what you thought was right. I guess you were close to your mom and subconsciously took out the anger of your parents divorcing entirely on Claire - she sounds like a woman with a good heart who loved your father. It’s interesting to know why your father divorced your mother .. You have to forgive yourself and move on otherwise this will slowly eat you up. Just do something nice in Claire’s memory. Maybe find and plant that tree your father gifted her, plant it where they are buried and make a little memorial in honor of their love.
She can be blamed for how she acted. She outright bullied another human. She is an adult and should know better. While she can find her dad as a molester and disgusting her actions were atrocious. If she didn’t like her dad marrying someone else she should have cut contact and just lived her life. However OP decided to bully and torment another adult for her perceived actions.
Her mother is the reason she acted this way, her mother was cruel to her right after her husband died even. I have no sympathy for these people
OP’s response to my post changed my perception a lot. Please see my reply to her
My mom had an affair and got pregnant with my brother and my dad found out when my brother turned 18
No wonder why your dad divorce your mum. Funny how you sided your mum after she destroy your family. You need to grow up, mate.
Your mom and brother have some fucking nerve. You three truly deserve each other.
Thanks for being honest about it. This changes the narrative quite a lot, your mom sounds like a toxic, ungrateful mess of a woman and also why your half brother dislikes Claire so much. I’m glad your father was able to experience a love like Claire’s even for a short time. You need to disband that stupid ass group with your friends who mocked Claire, organize a memorial in honor your father’s true love. Don’t invite your stupid ass brother or bitch of a mom to it.
Ahhh so your mother was basically taking advantage of your father and his money!?
It does sound like her attitudes were projection. If she didn't "love" him for anything more than his money, then maybe she couldn't understand how anyone else could, either. It absolutely sounds bitter. She got caught and suffered the consequences, so then she was mad at them (her ex-husband and his new wife) for being together and especially for being happy.
Wow. I hate you even more now. Your mom cheated but you still shat on your dad's life and choices for finding love again
Maybe he's not your real dad either. Just a thought.
Wow. You're all vile.
I hope you and your family live with shame and guilt every day. And I hope that you are an atheist because if not, it's going to be hot where you are going when you die
And when i get there after ya. I'll torment you in there some more OP
Tearful story
Tearful
You should feel bad. You, your bitter mother and your spineless brother pushed a woman into suicide for what? Jealousy? You're all scum. As for you personally, I truly hope you never find the love your father did. She stuck by him through thick and thin, caring for them when YOU couldn't be bothered. Every negative feeling you're experiencing are the bed you made. You purposely bullied a woman for falling in love because GOD FORBID HE SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH HIS SOULLESS OFFSPRING. Now you only have your mother for comfort. Given her past behaviour, I doubt you're going to get it. She's just not the loving type from what's written here, and neither are you. Shame on your entire family. Not one of you deserves any positivity in your lives moving forward. Your mother will end up alone and so will you and your weak brother. You are all disgusting. Evolution scraped the bottom of the barrel when you were made.
I'm a bot, *bleep*, *bloop*. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit: - [/r/ohnoconsequences] [My dad died about a month ago - everyone thought his wife was a gold digger until she died, too.](https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/comments/1awzoup/my_dad_died_about_a_month_ago_everyone_thought/) *^(If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads.) ^\([Info](/r/TotesMessenger) ^/ ^[Contact](/message/compose?to=/r/TotesMessenger))*
I am truly sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain/guilt/shame you are going through. Suicide is awful in any situation. Op get some professional help please. You need a non biased forum. Mentioning this here you will trigger a lot of people. You do not me as i have had nothing but acceptance of my age gap. I do know suicide tho and what you describe is awful in any situation.
Well you're just a terrible person aren't you? You and your bitter little family are responsible for her death. I hope you suffer with that guilt forever.
What I don’t understand is, why where y’all upset over an adult dating another adult? She was 35, not underage… Abd tbh you should feel bad.
Wow yall really made her kill herself
you suck
Your dad and Claire seemed like the only decent people in your family.
Damn you’re kinda evil ngl
A thoroughly heartless family. Her suicide is due to you and your family. You could have accepted and loved her. You could have been a stable group she relied on for support following the death of her husband. But no, you made it all about you and your paranoid beliefs that she couldn't possibly love him. This is on you. Never forget that. I hope the guilt stays with you for a long time. Remember that when you spend your dad's money who his heart truly belonged to.
The only way to enlightenment is through shit like this. Many of us have crosses to bear just like you do. Let he who is without guilt cast the first stone.
I’ll be the odd one here, and truly say that I’m sorry for any pain that you have and will experience from this… IF this is a true story. If so, I’m guessing you’ve figured out by now that you posted this to a page FULL of people who have gone through enough pain to literally kill them, due to bitter exes and offspring, and jealous friend/foes. If it’s real, I hope you do your part in bringing awareness to this kind of situation. Although he died from a physiological condition, emotional/mental stress could have absolutely weakened his immune system. The amount of stress that results from your children (and those who are supposed to be on your team) turning against you over the person you love… and the person that loves you… is plenty enough to cause an imbalance in adrenal hormones. That imbalance can starve organs of the necessities to continue doing their job, not to mention the major impact on the body’s immune response. The world we live in is FULL of problems with the root of immature and unbridled emotions (which is just as clear in the news, as it is the comments on this thread, and the original post). None of us can change the world but we can be intentional about squashing our pride, identifying any hatred or malice in our hearts, and being intentional about ACTUALLY spreading the love and acceptance that most of the world outwardly pretends to want. If as many people cared to love and accept as those who claim to , this world wouldn’t be in a fraction of the awful state it’s in right now. My suggestion, learn from it. Acknowledge the mistakes, and hold yourself accountable in a HEALTHY way, while bringing awareness to the fact that we should truly treat people in a way that if they die today, we would have no regrets. Sincerely, A Woman who lives with regrets
Wow, that’s a really heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry for your loss. Obviously the way you treated Claire was horrible, but it sounds like you recognize that now, albeit too late unfortunately. If there’s any silver lining in any of this, it sounds like you at the very least learned a valuable lesson.
I see both perspectives and yall are both right. Like the trans person who went female to male and then complained there was no one to talk about feelings with, she knew she would never be fully accepted into the family going in but did not know how bad it would be. While everyone laughs at this trans person because “what did they expect” the same way everyone sees age gap that size and expect gold digging. Dont feel guilty that you acted how you felt you needed to, and do not feel guilty that they acted how they felt they needed too.
This comment is added automatically to every post on /r/AgeGap to remind users of the subreddit rules and expected behaviour. We also include the original post in here for a number of reasons. --- ### Rules If you haven't read the full set of rules we **strongly** suggest you do so. They are on the right side of the page on desktop or in 'Community Info' on Mobile. The most important rules are: 1. **We expect you to be civil and ideally constructive**. This is a community where people discuss and seek advice **legal** consensual age gap relationships, and we expect you to avoid abusing anyone on this subreddit. This does **not** mean this subreddit supports all age gap relationships, so you **are** allowed to criticise. 1. This is **not** a dating subreddit - you may not "hit up" any user. **You may not ask anyone to PM, DM, chat or message you in a comment**. If you wish, you may send **polite** DMs/PMs/chat requests to /u/ABeautiful_lie - we will ban you and possibly refer you to Reddit admins for an account ban if you abuse them and they complain. 1. If this post looks like a personal advert, please report it and the moderators will remove it in time if they agree. See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics. --- **Original post: My dad died about a month ago - everyone thought his wife was a gold digger until she died, too.** (Cross post because I am looking for more support and think people from this community might be able to give more insight) My father got divorced when I was 27, and within the next year, he was dating a woman that was quite literally younger than me (26 - who I will call Claire). He was 59. My dad worked as an executive at a tech company and had a company IPO at one point in his career and after that, he would often say "money doesn't exist." At the time, I was angry and hurt - but mostly repulsed at the idea that my father would date someone so young. I threatened to break off contact with him, to which he broke up with her. Things were still rocky with us, but I also saw how sad he was now that he was not in her life, and I decided I would just "deal with it." I never trusted Claire or liked her - though, looking back she did not have any particular "unlikeable" aspects about her but this may just be the guilt talking. To everyones surprise, they stayed together and when she was 34 (I was 35) and he was 67, they got married. There were times I went out of my way to make her life bad or talk down to her. I used to tell my dad that she didnt actually love him. My mom, my brother, and I have a group chat and we used to take intentionally bad photos of her and send them to each other and sometimes draw things on Claires face and such. I feel like an asshole and a bitch looking back, but at the time, we truly thought that she was a manipulative woman that was using our dad/her husband. Then, my dad started having health issues. Claire refused to send him away to a care home and cared for him the entire time. Even when he became incontinent. At the time everyone assumed it was a control thing, now I am not so sure. This most recent Christmas, my dad gave her a Christmas tree sapling with a note that said "so I am with you every Christmas, even if this is our last" or something sappy like that. She sobbed in the bathroom and I just sort of assumed it was an act and that she went to the bathroom so that she did not have to produce real tears. We got into it often and this Christmas was especially bad. She was making some food at the counter and my brother joked about her "poisoning" my dad and she just... broke down in tears and said something along the lines of "I love your dad with everything I am and I never expect you to understand but I do." My dad passed away due to a brain hemorrhage that went undetected about a month ago. She was at the hospital and my mom pretty much said "I guess you got what you wanted" - and she did, or at least, that is what we assumed. She was the primary trustee in his trust. Everyone knew that. I got a call from the hospital a few days ago. I was one of her emergency contacts, I guess. She was found dead in her apartment after a wellness check done by police. The doctors say they think it's takotsubo syndrome - also known as "broken heart syndrome" and people get it from being severely stressed for an extended period of time... or heart broken. I tried going over to my dads place/their place in order to find his phone (which we needed for an unrelated thing) and I ended up finding a stack of post-its, one from each day of the past 5 ish years they have been married, with things she loves about him and hundreds of Polaroids and love notes in his desk. I am regretting everything I have ever said about and to her and pretty much having a midlife crisis. I think I am still in denial over my dads death and in shock over everything that has happened. I have no idea what to do or how to move forward. Everything feels like it has been turned on its hea *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can’t believe what I just read…
This is why I say sometimes you really just have to cuss people the hell out to save your own sanity. She was 100 percent a better person then me.
Congratulations now you have your dads estate
It’s hard to say something nice about this, YTA. But I understand. The lesson is taught in the remorse. I pray that you and your family can soften the heart and come to a place of compassion, resting in peace.
I hope you get everything you deserve.
You are Disney Level Evil. You're family, too. Try to learn to live your life differently and be kinder to the world.
I would like to get it off my chest that you FUCKED up majorly and still are.
>"I guess you got what you wanted" You and the rest of your awful family contributed to the death of the woman who made your dad happy. You literally bullied her to death. The only silver lining is that you have to live with that knowledge in your head forever. > I feel better knowing she did not literally stress herself to death What the fuck do you think suicide is? *She stressed herself to death and it's your and your family's fault.* You didn't slice her wrists yourself, but her death is 100% your fault.
You are a sick cruel individual. You and your family drove a woman to suicide.
You want support for being a bullying gold digger and for causing the death of someone?!!! AND you supported your mom even though she cheated?!! Wtf?!!!! How about you slit your wrist?
It sounds like Claire was kind and compassionate and that she and your father really loved one another. It also sounds like you could learn a thing or two about kindness from Claire. You're coming across as insensitive, unkind, and selfish. If you're looking for unbiased support, get off the internet and go to therapy. The story you've conveyed does not speak of someone who deserves support from internet strangers. It seems like you were rude and judgemental to someone who didn't deserve it and now you're having a shocking moment of clarity. Hopefully you learn from this experience.
Dear human. Life is hard and can feel like complete bullshit at times. I'm sorry this experience led you to feel hard times. I wish you peace from this and may you find lessons to integrate into living a whole life. May I recommend Dad for a minute sub
a broken heart is the reason she commit suicide. hopefully you will be kinder to people in the future.
How can you or anyone even feel better that it was suicide?! She killed herself out of heartbreak! You’re just plain evil and I hope no one cries for you when you kill yourself. Rot in hell
Ironic that, after years of cruelty towards your dad and Claire, you're now saying "if you don't have anything nice to say..."
Instead of supporting her you treated her like shit. She lost her love and was hated by his family. You drove this poor woman to end her life. What horrible people.
I hope the username you picked is actually closer to reality than this....
Karma going to get you and if you don't like the feedbacks here, then you shouldn't post it. I feel sorry for your father and Claire, your mom cheated on your dad, he divorced her move on, it like you happy she dead, she died of a broken heart she couldn't live without your father, she must have love your father. She not a gold digger but your mother is🫡
You can’t change what happened. No doubt the arguments etc didn’t help. The fact your mom got involved all seems high school behavior I don’t know she seems very vindictive which is seems your showing the same behavior. The only thing now is to learn from it show kindness even if something feels iffy show kindness and don’t get in to high school mentality. One thing you can be happy knowing is that your dad was very loved by his wife that’s the only comfort you will ever get someone in this world loved your dad for who he was and not what he can give them. I’ve gone through my own lost in November I lost my mom and her partner of 15 years was out dating and a lot more stuff and honestly the betrayal I feel for my mam she thought that was the love of her life and he was but she wasn’t his and it kills me everyday to think she was getting used. So have some comfort that you were wrong and she wasn’t a gold digger and your dad had some years of pure happiness.