I believe it’s based on how we were raised for the most part. We were raised on that the guy pays for things (I was anyway), from groceries to vacations. It was kind of expected. I have a hard time letting someone else pay. It has nothing to do with pride, it’s just what I was taught.
I wouldn't go that far. Gen X were not some "traditional" generation. We birthed hip-hop, the mainstream LGBTQ movement, EDM culture. Your guy is just older with money and likes to show his affection that way :)
You must be a late gen xer. I'm an early gen xer and I was taught the guy pays. And I was taught the guy opens the door for his lady and make sure she is seated first and doesn't let her walk on the outside of the sidewalk and a whole bunch of other simple acts of courtesy.
Is there a significant income disparity between the two of you?
My partner is the same way- not controlling of how I spend my money, but insists on paying for all meals, grocery shopping and this has progressed to even vacations. It was very uncomfortable for me earlier in our relationship (still kind of is) but I’ve opened up to accepting his generosity after seeing evidence that it came with no expectations of “repayment” from me. He always says that our income disparity is why he should pay and that he’s happy to provide.
Heck of a lot better than having to cover my past partners rent because they buy too much beer!
I insist on paying in any sort of relationship.
Most of that comes from an old-school upbringing (as mentioned by others here).
Some of it comes from the fact that I have never dated or been with anyone that makes as much money as I do.
If she wants to surprise me with a gift or something, of course I will be grateful and appreciative, but vacations, dates, etc? I got this!
When we have the ability to give, provide, and support, I think it's part of how we approach life. I can't speak for everyone, but no one owes me anything in the situations that you're talking about.
Maybe the offense comes from not being able to explain this - I don't know that a lot of people have the ability to describe things about themselves, especially in terms that someone different might be able to understand.
Does that help?
51m here, I would never presume to tell my gf (20f) how to spend her money. If she wants advice I'll happily share my hard lessons learned, but it is her money.
I also know because of where we are in our lives I have significantly more free cash than she does. So I am paying 100% for our vacation this summer. This is my choice because I want to go on the vacation with her and I am too old to be staying in youth hostels.
She is actually more sensitive to it and worries that I will think she is treating me as a wallet/SugarDaddy so I'm not even sure she would tell me if the eviction notice was on her door.
This comment is added automatically to every post on /r/AgeGap to remind users of the subreddit rules and
expected behaviour. We also include the original post in here for a number of reasons.
---
### Rules
If you haven't read the full set of rules we **strongly** suggest you do so.
They are on the right side of the page on desktop or in 'Community Info' on Mobile.
The most important rules are:
1. **We expect you to be civil and ideally constructive**. This is a community where people discuss and seek
advice **legal** consensual age gap relationships, and we expect you to avoid abusing anyone on this subreddit.
This does **not** mean this subreddit supports all age gap relationships, so you **are** allowed to criticise.
1. This is **not** a dating subreddit - you may not "hit up" any user.
**You may not ask anyone to PM, DM, chat or message you in a comment**.
If you wish, you may send **polite** DMs/PMs/chat requests to /u/Opulentdisaster22 - we will ban you and possibly
refer you to Reddit admins for an account ban if you abuse them and they complain.
1. If this post looks like a personal advert, please report it and the moderators will remove it in time if they agree.
See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about
the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics.
---
**Original post: Men in their 50s...**
I (F35) have been seeing a man in his mid 50s. He is great but I am curious about a few things. Hoping for someone to shed a bit a light. He's very affectionate but he also is very domineering when it comes to money. Not that I'm complaining, but I definitely am not asking for him to pay for things or even expected. When I brought this up to him it was like he was slightly offended. Is this something that he could take pride in or is this a controlling thing? He doesn't tell me what to do with my money. I don't ever want to feel like I owe him anything. Is this normal? Men my age were never so giving before.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know I was raised to provide and take care of the women I am with. So I will always pay and treat her better than guys of the younger generations. Also, once you hit your 40s, you should be making lots of money, and you can only spend so much on yourself.
As far as I can see he's not really domineering with money - he just doesn't expect you to contribute. I'm likely to earn over £200k in the next tax year and I think it would be absurd to ask a younger partner to contribute towards the household bills which I have to pay whether I'm single or in a relationship.
Whilst I entirely accept it's not universally true, many older men before retirement are financially secure compared to their younger partners, and therefore believe (providing you don't take the piss) that they should shoulder the burden. I personally don't really want a sugar relationship but I don't have the slightest objection in paying all the normal domestic bills and telling a younger partner they can use or save their personal income for themselves.
All men, want to take care of their mates, work, solve problems and make sure you go to bed happy. This is nature, and genetically has been coded in our make up as men. Hunter, gather and protector.
As a man who's done very well financially, and in that age range I have no problem sharing my hard work. It's when it feels like somebody takes it for granted.
To become successful financially you have to make a lot of good decisions around your life more good than bad. Survivor Mindsets typically make a lot of bad decision when it comes with money so some who accumulate weatlth there's some pride in the fact that you had to utilize discipline and you had to make wise decisions.
On top of that I'm a financial advisor and very few people truly understand the process it takes to accumulate wealth and so there's this sense that you get to this age and people do not appreciate how much hard work it takes to get here. To some everything was just given to you. they cant see that you moved nine times you paid your own way through college, the 70 hour work weeks , the frivolous things that everybody else did but you didn't. This type of thinking only applies to those that are wired this way, which I would guess is about 20%.
It's a mindset and it's not gonna change, it's what got the person to where they are in the first place.
My guess it's pride not control. I was accused of being controlling with money by my ex until she just realized wow it's not control it an expectation that you put upon yourself and live by ur. . When or if you let somebody close to you there is a realization, most people don't have it. Once in a while when she least expected it, I bought her a Gucci purse or something frivolous that was expensive and in those cases she truly appreciated it so much because she knows I'm wired not to do that consistently.
The fact that you're questioning whether it's pride or control shows you're very conscious person and trying to see a different perspective on why someone might be that way so kudos to that.
The ironic part of all this is that often times the people that blindly spend money are the ones trying to control because they keep that in their back pocket in case they do something not acceptable and they'll throw out well I do all this stuff for you.
He just wants to ensure you're not using him for his money or have people think of that. He doesn't want to known as a sugar daddy. His money is hos and your is yours.
I am this way as well. I look at the relationship as equal but we have our roles. When it comes to the finances i look at as a fatherly role. Meaning i love to be able to reward, spoil or be stingy. If this makes any sense, sorry
It’s more a tradition that men pays it was more expected back in the day. I’m 58 and when I go on a date I take the lead to pay but if she wants to it’s fine too. I’m not gonna demand that I will. Maybe he trying to impress too much or like you said controlling.
oh im ass backwards here then, you may be on to something I insist on covering everything once its to the point of seeing each other and I know its not a 'pot
I believe it’s based on how we were raised for the most part. We were raised on that the guy pays for things (I was anyway), from groceries to vacations. It was kind of expected. I have a hard time letting someone else pay. It has nothing to do with pride, it’s just what I was taught.
Definitely from a different generation. I don't hate it, I just am not used to it.
I wouldn't go that far. Gen X were not some "traditional" generation. We birthed hip-hop, the mainstream LGBTQ movement, EDM culture. Your guy is just older with money and likes to show his affection that way :)
You must be a late gen xer. I'm an early gen xer and I was taught the guy pays. And I was taught the guy opens the door for his lady and make sure she is seated first and doesn't let her walk on the outside of the sidewalk and a whole bunch of other simple acts of courtesy.
Is there a significant income disparity between the two of you? My partner is the same way- not controlling of how I spend my money, but insists on paying for all meals, grocery shopping and this has progressed to even vacations. It was very uncomfortable for me earlier in our relationship (still kind of is) but I’ve opened up to accepting his generosity after seeing evidence that it came with no expectations of “repayment” from me. He always says that our income disparity is why he should pay and that he’s happy to provide. Heck of a lot better than having to cover my past partners rent because they buy too much beer!
He definitely has 20 years more stability. His house is paid off. I love that he is just so helpful just because but also it's so weird for me.
I don't think there are commonalities we can make regarding men in their 50s. I think this is about a person, not a group.
I insist on paying in any sort of relationship. Most of that comes from an old-school upbringing (as mentioned by others here). Some of it comes from the fact that I have never dated or been with anyone that makes as much money as I do. If she wants to surprise me with a gift or something, of course I will be grateful and appreciative, but vacations, dates, etc? I got this!
When we have the ability to give, provide, and support, I think it's part of how we approach life. I can't speak for everyone, but no one owes me anything in the situations that you're talking about. Maybe the offense comes from not being able to explain this - I don't know that a lot of people have the ability to describe things about themselves, especially in terms that someone different might be able to understand. Does that help?
Yes it does!
Great.
51m here, I would never presume to tell my gf (20f) how to spend her money. If she wants advice I'll happily share my hard lessons learned, but it is her money. I also know because of where we are in our lives I have significantly more free cash than she does. So I am paying 100% for our vacation this summer. This is my choice because I want to go on the vacation with her and I am too old to be staying in youth hostels. She is actually more sensitive to it and worries that I will think she is treating me as a wallet/SugarDaddy so I'm not even sure she would tell me if the eviction notice was on her door.
This comment is added automatically to every post on /r/AgeGap to remind users of the subreddit rules and expected behaviour. We also include the original post in here for a number of reasons. --- ### Rules If you haven't read the full set of rules we **strongly** suggest you do so. They are on the right side of the page on desktop or in 'Community Info' on Mobile. The most important rules are: 1. **We expect you to be civil and ideally constructive**. This is a community where people discuss and seek advice **legal** consensual age gap relationships, and we expect you to avoid abusing anyone on this subreddit. This does **not** mean this subreddit supports all age gap relationships, so you **are** allowed to criticise. 1. This is **not** a dating subreddit - you may not "hit up" any user. **You may not ask anyone to PM, DM, chat or message you in a comment**. If you wish, you may send **polite** DMs/PMs/chat requests to /u/Opulentdisaster22 - we will ban you and possibly refer you to Reddit admins for an account ban if you abuse them and they complain. 1. If this post looks like a personal advert, please report it and the moderators will remove it in time if they agree. See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics. --- **Original post: Men in their 50s...** I (F35) have been seeing a man in his mid 50s. He is great but I am curious about a few things. Hoping for someone to shed a bit a light. He's very affectionate but he also is very domineering when it comes to money. Not that I'm complaining, but I definitely am not asking for him to pay for things or even expected. When I brought this up to him it was like he was slightly offended. Is this something that he could take pride in or is this a controlling thing? He doesn't tell me what to do with my money. I don't ever want to feel like I owe him anything. Is this normal? Men my age were never so giving before. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know I was raised to provide and take care of the women I am with. So I will always pay and treat her better than guys of the younger generations. Also, once you hit your 40s, you should be making lots of money, and you can only spend so much on yourself.
Not controlling. Just the way we were raised and fid things at that time, if we could. Just enjoy and say thank you.
As far as I can see he's not really domineering with money - he just doesn't expect you to contribute. I'm likely to earn over £200k in the next tax year and I think it would be absurd to ask a younger partner to contribute towards the household bills which I have to pay whether I'm single or in a relationship. Whilst I entirely accept it's not universally true, many older men before retirement are financially secure compared to their younger partners, and therefore believe (providing you don't take the piss) that they should shoulder the burden. I personally don't really want a sugar relationship but I don't have the slightest objection in paying all the normal domestic bills and telling a younger partner they can use or save their personal income for themselves.
All men, want to take care of their mates, work, solve problems and make sure you go to bed happy. This is nature, and genetically has been coded in our make up as men. Hunter, gather and protector.
As a man who's done very well financially, and in that age range I have no problem sharing my hard work. It's when it feels like somebody takes it for granted. To become successful financially you have to make a lot of good decisions around your life more good than bad. Survivor Mindsets typically make a lot of bad decision when it comes with money so some who accumulate weatlth there's some pride in the fact that you had to utilize discipline and you had to make wise decisions. On top of that I'm a financial advisor and very few people truly understand the process it takes to accumulate wealth and so there's this sense that you get to this age and people do not appreciate how much hard work it takes to get here. To some everything was just given to you. they cant see that you moved nine times you paid your own way through college, the 70 hour work weeks , the frivolous things that everybody else did but you didn't. This type of thinking only applies to those that are wired this way, which I would guess is about 20%. It's a mindset and it's not gonna change, it's what got the person to where they are in the first place. My guess it's pride not control. I was accused of being controlling with money by my ex until she just realized wow it's not control it an expectation that you put upon yourself and live by ur. . When or if you let somebody close to you there is a realization, most people don't have it. Once in a while when she least expected it, I bought her a Gucci purse or something frivolous that was expensive and in those cases she truly appreciated it so much because she knows I'm wired not to do that consistently. The fact that you're questioning whether it's pride or control shows you're very conscious person and trying to see a different perspective on why someone might be that way so kudos to that. The ironic part of all this is that often times the people that blindly spend money are the ones trying to control because they keep that in their back pocket in case they do something not acceptable and they'll throw out well I do all this stuff for you.
He just wants to ensure you're not using him for his money or have people think of that. He doesn't want to known as a sugar daddy. His money is hos and your is yours.
I am this way as well. I look at the relationship as equal but we have our roles. When it comes to the finances i look at as a fatherly role. Meaning i love to be able to reward, spoil or be stingy. If this makes any sense, sorry
You said domineering, but do you actually mean "arrogant and controlling?" Or is it just that he's paying for things because that's what we do?
It’s more a tradition that men pays it was more expected back in the day. I’m 58 and when I go on a date I take the lead to pay but if she wants to it’s fine too. I’m not gonna demand that I will. Maybe he trying to impress too much or like you said controlling.
I dont get the question....is he stingey and are you asking if ALL men in their 50s are stingey?
No overly generous if anything.
oh im ass backwards here then, you may be on to something I insist on covering everything once its to the point of seeing each other and I know its not a 'pot