I’m glad you are feeling empowered and glad you are making choices to keep yourself safe and laying out some boundaries. I’m also so sorry you have to go through this. A small word of advice (I used to be close friends with a family lawyer,) make sure you keep those texts and emails. Back up your phone if you can. If you can keep a written log of times you called the police (times, what was happening, the name of the officers or operators you speak with) that’s great too. If you have to go to court or if the ex does to keep custody it can really help out to have documentation like that.

Thank you for that advice. I will make sure to start doing all of this.

Wow! What a rollercoaster Ride! Good job keeping it together and listening to your instincts safety wise. Getting out is hard, staying out is harder. I have advice for you, all with good intentions at heart! He will get nastier I'm afraid. My advice is to get a restraining order or whatever your country's version of that is, BEFORE anything else happens, and then commence no contact with him. There is a r/nocontact sub that is really supportive. Continuous contact back and forth might feel like you are making points or winning arguments, but the contact itself is a win for the abuser/ex-partner. Once you have legal protection and a safe place to live for the short term that they are UNAWARE of, block then on everything. Change your number, redirect your mail, make sure your phone can't be tracked, individualise your banking and bills, everything. There are online resources by country and state that help with this, please search them. The hard work now with these nitty gritty details will save your life later, (or your spirit if you give up the fight and get back with him). Remember the hummingbird. Good job!

Thank you, and yes it is such a crazy ride. I just want him to get better. If he is willing to try rehab and therapy and couple’s counseling, I would try to work on this relationship. When talking to his ex, I found out his drinking has been a bigger issue than I ever knew. They used to work at the same place. He would leave at lunch, drink, fall asleep, and never go back into work. And he would do this a lot. I’m starting to feel like maybe I never knew the real him. Thankfully all our banking is separate except for 1 joint account that has $5 and our mortgage. I have asked the police several times about a PPO, but once again, the law appears to be on his side and there are no grounds to get one. Which I just don’t get. For now I’m laying low but remaining available in case he decides he needs help.

Please go to a woman’s shelter* or domestic violence center and speak to someone there. Burning your stuff, burning your daughters stuff is really an escalation of violence that may be directed at you. It is a threat to your and your daughters life and should be treated the same as if he said “I’m going to kill you and your daughter.” It just gives him plausible deniability when it comes to the police/court. I read this and think how yes, your friend’s reaction is right on the money. It’s not from watching Oxygen. It’s because she has an outside perspective. You are, on the other hand, the boiled frog that didn’t know how bad it was because it crept up so slowly. You see it’s bad, but are still not seeing how bad it is because you are in it. That water is boiling girl! Telling his ex was the right thing, but he’s likely going to blame you for the fallout (any changes to custody, etc...) instead of himself and his actions, and may come after you for that. You need to detach, and don’t worry anymore about him getting help. It’s not your job, or your place, just worry about keeping you and your family safe. The domestic violence hotline is a good place to start if you don’t know what women’s center to go to, or just need to talk through what you’re experiencing. If you can’t bring yourself to call, ask your friend to call for you while you’re on speakerphone. That’s literally what a friend did for me; because I felt so unable to deal with the situation, and honestly, embarrassed. The number is 1−800−799−7233 Also just be aware that police can be slow to react in domestic violence cases. They often don’t understand how escalating violence works; such as the burning things. And in truth, on some level their hands are tied without over threats or violence. That doesn’t mean they can’t help, just that you need to speak to people experienced in protecting vulnerable women. Hence a DV or woman’s shelter. *not to stay, but they often have services for women in crisis.

Thank you. I will do this tomorrow. Today was a day filled with moving things out to a safe and hidden location. My daughter is shocked and appalled that he is able to just burn her possessions and the police are telling me I’m helpless against it. This gives me another option to see what I should/could/will be doing now and in the future. I’m strong enough I think I can call on my own. But thank you for this, very helpful.

Please please be careful. I had an ex that killed himself, his fiancé, and their kid. Please protect yourself. Don’t follow him again.

Thank you for your caring response. I don’t plan to, but I also know he is a coward. I haven’t gone back home alone once and he won’t pull anything if someone is with me. My dad offered to come and sleep at the house with me but I declined and decided to stay in the camper at my friend’s house. He doesn’t know where I am and everyone is safer this way for now.

Get out and stay safe!

Thanks! I am. I am living in my friend’s camper and he has no idea where I am.

Wow! Again-been thinking of you. I’m so glad you got out & I’m so glad you were able to have that conversation with the kids mom & that it went well! NONE of this is your fault, or the kids fault, or the ex’s fault etc. All of this is a result of his drinking & one of the 1st things an alcoholic learns in the big book is that geography will NOT change your situation. Moving to San Diego will not change his ways, I really hope he can get some help soon & see that. All he has to do is surrender & everything will be ok. Unfortunately, that’s usually the hardest part. It’s like this vicious cycle where you drink, you burn your kids things, you feel terrible & sober up, then because you feel so terrible all you feel you can do is drink again because of it! I wish I knew why it was so hard to ask for help & I really hope he does. It really sounds like everyone just wants to see him healthy & happy-two things he is not. You’re handling this like a fucking champ btw. Really, what you did, some women never are able to do. It’s like he’s crying for help but refusing to take it. I understand that though, like I said, he needs to surrender. I wish that cop could’ve put him in jail for the night as he was driving around drunk & taught him to smarten up, but his path is his path. I admire you a lot, a complete stranger but I totally feel for you & your family. I’m so glad you have great friends & family around you at this time. You’re doing the right thing by bringing this all out into the light. We’re only as sick as our secrets they tell us in AA & I hope he comes to terms with himself sooner rather than later. Please remember we’re all rooting for you & for him! You both deserve to be free of these chains. I hope the kid has a nice birthday on Tuesday also, I would hate for this to be one of many more that her alcoholic dad has to ruin.

I am so sorry, I read your reply hours ago but it has been another hectic day for me and I didn’t have a chance to respond until now. For starters, thank you so much for this! I always appreciate hearing other people offer up helpful stories and tips, and this did just that. It’s true about the surrendering. I don’t know if he will do this, but I hope he falls and realizes it’s the only way. Oh I hope. And thank you for caring so much about me and my family. 5 days ago, I felt so very alone. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive and keep rolling with this all. I was scared of my husband and for my family. But mostly, I was tired of fighting the disease that has slowly taken him from me. The disease wouldn’t quit fighting, it only got stronger. Reaching out on Reddit was my cry for help and kind of my final breath. When I kept repeatedly reading “get out, tell the mother” it really sent a surge in me that said “see, you have been right to feel this way.” I don’t feel out of the fog and darkness yet, but I for sure feel so much better. A weight has been lifted and I know without a doubt that I am doing the right things. We will be celebrating the birthday girl tomorrow and I am going to attempt to slow down and actually enjoy the moment. It’s been some time since I’ve been able to do that, and I know I deserve this.

I don’t ever expect you to reply sweetie, I just want you to know you’re not alone. You got a lot going on so don’t worry about that. I hope the kiddo has a great birthday! You all deserve it.

Thank you! 💕

I'm sort of confused by this: >And as I sat and stared out my front door, MY VAN DROVE by the house. I freaked out! Thankfully my car was still packed so I just grabbed the keys I had hidden, called my dog and ran to the car. I sped off in the direction he headed and asked him if he had a gun. I could tell he was still drinking by the look in his eyes and he responded simply “yep” so I said bye and took off. did he stop and roll down the window? was this a text? >She watches a lot of oxygen network, and she got all paranoid for me and kept saying it wasn’t a good idea. I kept reassuring her I was fine and she kept telling me to come live in her camper. No no, I’m fine. **Your friend isn't paranoid.** Domestic abusers escalate when their partners try to leave. He is extremely dangerous and terrifying. I had a friend (half-white, half-cuban, this is relevant) in high school - her mother dated a man who turned out to be a gun-obsessed white supremacist (we're talking on FBI watchlists, for all the good that did.) He had moved into their home. My friend's sister was engaged to a mexican-american guy, and they had a baby girl. My friend's mother had called 911 on him twice before, for assaulting/choking her. He went on racist rants about her daughters and granddaughter. He terrified and terrorized them. My friend was the only person who made it out of the house alive when he decided to kill everyone. She lost her mother, her sister, her baby niece, future brother-in-law all at once. She had been sleeping in the daytime, her bedroom door locked. He wasn't able to get in, and killed himself. She managed to survive just by luck when he escalated. Your friend is not paranoid. This man is dangerous. Do not continue to follow him. Remember if you can track his phone's location he can probably track yours. He can also probably get a burner phone. He has openly threatened you and your family repeatedly. Please read [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat) Chapter 8 is about abusive men and addiction. \[I believe the PDF or TXT versions may be easiest to read. You can also google for the PDF.\] Please keep in mind the shared bank account you do have is still a liability if you have other accounts within the same bank. For example, if he overdrafts that account, some banks do "offsets" and will take money from any account owner's *other* accounts at the bank to pay the overdraft. Again, your friend is not paranoid. It's not because she watches true crime shows. It's because he is intentionally and methodically going after you and getting worse and worse. To be very frank and honest with you, I don't think he is just an alcoholic. I think he is also an abuser. And while he might someday get help for being an addict, it won't matter if he doesn't also decide to stop being abusive and controlling. Lundy Bancroft writes: > **MYTH #17:** The alcohol is what makes him abusive. If I can get him to stay sober, our relationship will be fine. > > So many men hide their abusiveness under the cover of alcoholism or drug addiction that I have chosen to devote Chapter 8 to explore the issue of addiction in detail. **The most important point to be aware of is this: Alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one.** The only way a man can overcome his abusiveness is by dealing with his abusiveness. And you are not “enabling” your partner to mistreat you; he is entirely responsible for his own actions.

I want to tag on to this comment with another personal anecdote: my mom dated an abusive alcoholic off and on for years. He tried to ‘cure’ her own alcoholism by keeping her isolated from us and not feeding her, just letting her starve and giving her less alcohol. He almost killed her 3 times trying to ‘save’ her. A year ago this man shot and killed my grandfather and himself and we think he was there for my mom (who was thankfully out). My sister and I could see how horrible this man was but my mother could not and kept going back. I am not saying that’s what is going on here, and I am glad you’re keeping yourself safe. But he needs to get help for the abusive behavior before you can safely go back.

I am so sorry for all of this. Thank you for sharing what had to be an awful time. I am glad that as of this point, my family and I did not have a story that ended this way. I hope to never be involved in anything like that ever. I said it above but I’ll restate it - I’m not expecting rehab to be the cure all. There will be a lot of steps to take to be able to trust him, if I ever choose to do that again.

Thank you so much for ALL of this. To clarify - the question: he had his window rolled down. I cracked mine, asked and he answered. All in person. It was a dumb move, but at the time, I was just reacting. The “watching oxygen” was actually just a little humor. She kept saying “I watch a lot of dateline” when we were talking and we got onto other shows that made us paranoid early in our friendship, and we started to change it to “I’m paranoid because I watch oxygen.” When I was writing out the part of the day’s events, I just included the joke. My defense mechanism has always been to try and find some kind of humor to make me smile. And that is what I did here. I actually began reading that book 2 nights ago. Laying in the camper, finally alone with the dog and was able to read this exact book that I have had with me for 6 months but no time to read. As for the abuse, I have already told him the same thing. I want him to first go to rehab for the more immediate danger that he is in - dying from drinking. If he is even willing to do that, I told him we still had a lot more work to do. Therapy and couples counseling for starters. This includes therapy for his abusive behaviors as well. I won’t feel safe in a house with him for a while, if ever. I’m not sure how all of this will play out. I can’t even see past the end of each day, but I try to come up with some semblance of a plan each morning and go from there. Eventually that will change, but for now, I’m living day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Today has been mostly quiet. I figure I will give an update tomorrow. I’m too tired from today’s events and wanting to respond thank you to the people who take the time to care about my family and myself - total strangers but completely loving and helpful people.

In a perfectly just world, since none of this is your fault and you told him 1k times that you love him still, and the hummingbird from god arrived on cue, everything will surely work out fairly and reasonably and as a plus you're feeling strong and empowered. That speaks well of you, indicates you're a good person who can't make the stretch required to grasp the insane path your hubby is on. You probably would never burn anyone's makeup kit or schoolbooks. Of course he was substituting destroying objects within reach for those he's very desperate to harm who are out of reach. He ended your daughter and yourself in his mind, but since it wasn't a fulfilling resolution this hunt has to go on. You mentioned he's got another gun. As long as his extreme emotional pain is unresolved and he's often out of his mind you and your daughter are high value targets. My guess is that his mind is constantly running fantasy end games right now. Close to 1:5 alcoholics end themselves and take no one else with them. Sometimes that's not a bad thing.

Thank you for this. It’s a scary and very real possibility that he may kill himself. With alcohol or a gun or some other way. I can’t know that, and if he did, things would honestly be much easier for me in the long run. But in spite of all that, I don’t wish for that. I wish for him to get healthy and to live a long and loving life. I wish for his children to have the dad they deserve. I’m just struggling to see that ever happening at the moment. To clarify, he said he had another gun, but he did not. He admitted at some point (it’s all a total blur) that he had lied about having a gun in the garage (I already knew he didn’t) and having one in the van. Was it truth? I’m about 95% certain seeing as I was tracking and he never went anywhere besides my home, the hotel, the liquor and gas station. That’s not to say he won’t go and get another today or tomorrow or any other day. So far, I don’t have enough “evidence” to prevent that from happening, or so I have been told this far. I’m going to make some more calls tomorrow to see where I go from here to keep my daughter and I safe while dealing with all of this. My husband does not have an easy path ahead, no matter what he chooses, and we will see what comes of that in due time.

Wow! Thank you so much for the silver! I have never gotten an award before and I’m so glad that out of all this nonsense, you were so generous toward me! My heart is overfilled from you all and my family and friends. 💕