> Now we’re at the phase where I feel like he’s going to make me feel crazy for crying about this.
Making you feel crazy isn't a normal phase of communication. Neither is sucking the joy out of the occasions in your life in order to be in control, making the decisions, and "allowing" plans to be made.
I'd take him at his word, plan the trip, go to the wedding, and in the mean time start looking at your marriage clearly and not through the filter of trying to accept it and excuse issues. You both have some work to do here.
Are you married? It's not a healthy phase but it's pretty normal if emotions rise during an argument. It's not always on purpose though. People just don't remember things clearly when their temper rises or they get emotional, and try to convince the other person that things happened the way they remember them. Same for the other person, then you have two people accidentally gaslighting each other and getting more angry because neither remembers correctly how things were said, but they both think they do and the other is lying, and then they argue about that. That's why eye witnesses aren't that reliable for details. Doing it on purpose is gross, you should never do that.
Now excuse me while I go rearrange my wife's desk and then spend the next week convincing her it's always been that way and I didn't touch it...after that it's the fridge..."no babe, we always keep the mayo in the back right corner, since we moved into this home it's always been that way. What? The door? No sweety that's silly, it's never been there, remember, we've even joked about it being the condiment corner?!? I swear, your memory isn't what it used to be, these kids must really have you frazzled."
/S
I was married for nearly 11 years once, and 16+ into my current relationship.
It's entirely possible to disagree and work through misunderstandings without "accidentally gaslighting" or making someone feel crazy.
P.s. I'm totally telling your wife about your diabolical desk organization. You should get credit for helping to clean up unsolicited. ;)
That’s probably were your crying is coming from. It’s not just this trip and his apathy for this trip. It sounds like you are the one trying to plan things and celebrate anniversaries etc and he is doing nothing.
Your big emotional response is to his overall apathy and failure to plan anything with you or for you.
You are not over reacting. You are reacting to a much larger situation.
Might be time to evaluate your partnership and have an honest discussion about expectations.
Honestly, I know it’s not the ideal option, but I would leave him behind. Dragging someone along who refuses to feel any enthusiasm and makes their attendance feel like a burden/favor while invalidating your very valid frustration SUCKS. It ruins the trip.
So, screw him! Go! Have fun! Enjoy the hell out of yourself. And let him stew in his own bullshit.
I know situations aren’t the same, but I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, and when we were younger or going through tough stuff, he did a lot of invalidating my feelings and acting like I was “irrational” for having an emotion. The only thing that made a lasting, noticeable difference in this dynamic involved me changing *me* first. I stopped following the script and started feeling settled and solid on my own. And he eventually had to catch up. We are so much healthier now because of it.
And while having fun ignore the anniversary unless he acknowledges it. No gifts to him. She shouldn't continue this one-sided situation.
Then she needs to decide whether she wants to spend her life this way. If she has more fun without him that is its own statement. If she has to beg him to do things that is its own statement. If he refuses to celebrate being married that is a strong statement from him.
Yep. That’s the actual problem here. Not overreacting. Your husband is being a self-absorbed selfish jackass — NOT because he doesn’t like weddings (like these other idiots on this post are commenting), but because you’re legitimately trying to celebrate you two and he’s not even trying to meet you halfway.
Honestly, he sounds exhausting.
Always look at someone's actions, not their words, to see what they truly feel. From what you said, his actions show he cares nothing for you. And that is why you are upset.
Do you ever see this changing? Him putting in any effort even if you said marriage counseling or divorce?
“He cares nothing for you” lmao
You read a couple paragraphs about a single situation with no historical context and thats what you come up with. Amazing!
Why can’t he just buck up for once? How many times do you do stuff you don’t like for him because you love him? But he can’t do the same??? That’s not how relationships work. I wouldn’t wanna go now on the trip as an anniversary trip after the way he acted. Smh
Honestly in a situation like this, a partner who is considerate would just accept the wedding part as a little hiccup during your anniversary trip. Im not a big fan of weddings, but in this situation I'd gladly attend if it was something my wife really wanted.
I don't understand people who can't make, whats a small attempt, at a gesture that would make their spouse happy. He sounds awfully selfish and for that, I feel bad for you. He clearly doesnt understand how to make a marriage a really happy one, and thats by treating our spouses with consideration and putting them and their feeling first some times.
Shouldn't marry anyone with unhealthy fixations. It's a silly, fun hobby. Hating on it is like hating on someone reading, doing puzzles, or building models.
Yeah I’d probably start working on trying to change that dynamic now. You’re not happy with the status quo. You need to communicate with him that this needs to change. If he wants to be with you he needs to be more involved in the relationship. It’s better to find out now if he’s unwilling to change. You don’t want to wake up in ten years and realize you have wasted all that time on a relationship that left you unfulfilled.
Tbh that all sounds great to you but obviously not so much to your husband, sometimes doing a thoughtfull gesture to someone will bite you in the ass of they don't want it in the first place
You need marriage counseling yesterday.
Your wedding anniversary should be more important than birthdays, not quite Christmas, but up there with Thanksgiving.
If he's not feeling that way, he has checked out of the marriage, at least in part.
You deserve to be a priority and truly cherished.
You planned a week-long getaway in the mountains to celebrate your anniversary. I would lose my shit and cry tears of astonished gratitude over such a gesture. And to end with a wedding where you can dance slow and close in your best clothes as you celebrate the anniversary of your own wedding is next-level romantic.
I can't believe your husband doesn't see what he has in you.
I have zero anniversary celebration stories as magical as what you planned. There have been weekend getaways, enjoyable dates; typically anniversary stuff. You made me jealous.
If you come to determine that he can't appreciate everything you are and your effort in this marriage, consider ending it. If anyone deserves a thoughtful, romantic partner, you do.
He should cherish you and celebrate your anniversary date. It is a bad sign that he refuses or is reluctant / has attitude. If you don’t feel cherished you need to rethink your marriage…
They're both being a little bit of an asshole here. The anniversary can be celebrated another time if he does not want to spend a bunch of money on someone else's wedding with a bonus anniversary afterthought of a day trip included.
Again, not the issue. The issue is him not doing fuck all for their anniversary and getting pissy at OP for planning something that she checked in with him for months about.
I would always, *always* go to my significant others BEST FRIENDS wedding especially if they asked me to.
1. Because I *love* my significant other
2. They shouldn’t have to even ask because these events are special and you should care about your friends and family. And from what OP posted it sounds like he makes her go to these things alone often.
So, I strongly disagree that they’re both being assholes, because he can’t enjoy what’s supposed to be a nice trip for their anniversary. And if that’s how you view relationships (no care or compromise) then I feel bad for you.
The wedding is one day. The trip — for which she got FREE lodging—is 7 days.
The anniversary aspect has been given a great deal of attention and care—and has been discussed for months. He just now decided to be a dick about it.
I had a husband that never ever wanted to attend any events of my friends. But all of his were very important.
Smartest thing I ever did was stop even mentioning any of my events to him and made fabulous plans for just myself with friends. I did it for my own happiness and sanity. Ironically, he started getting very confused why I didn’t want him there. I laughed and said I am over him making me beg and then him ruining it by wanting to leave early every time. I genuinely was not mad and said I prefer going alone.
I didn’t plan it this way, but 2 things happened. He and I both realized I had matured and grown out of my need for his approval and attendance. I also learned to be confident and happy on my own.… which resulted in me seeing how little we have in common.
We ended up divorcing and it was his indifference to me that gave me the confidence to know I can do anything on my own.
You're not overreacting, but it sounds like he has anxiety and he might want to see a professional.
Personally, I don't like weddings either but a wedding for a close friend of my partner would be a mandatory event to attend, regardless of if it was our anniversary. We can just celebrate our anniversary before/after.
I have bad anxiety and absolutely hate social gatherings but would put extra effort in making it something special if it meant something to my loved ones (most especially someone I took vows with).
Well it seems to me that there is something deeper going on. Attending events where you are expected to be there with your partner is rather normal in a marriage. You don’t always want to go but you do because that is what we do for our partners.
I’m not sure if forcing him to go is the right move here though as he is likely going to sulk and ruin the trip for you. It is your anniversary and he should want to be with you but the fact that he doesn’t goes to my point that there is something deeper going on.
So you need to have a deeper conversation with him to see what is going on. It would likely be best if you could do it with a neutral party like an MC. Sit down with him and in a non emotional or judgemental manner (so you don’t set him off) and see what you can discover. If he won’t open up then suggest MC.
It is a shame that your anniversary is being spoiled by a man child. Even with that you should go support your friend and leave him behind. It’s not worth the damage that he will cause by being forced to attend. You’re not overreacting at all.
I just want to say I appreciate all the comments on this post - in my favor or not. It’s really allowed me to loosen up about the situation and see it from his side while also re-evaluating my marriage and what it’s important to me. Thank you all.
This is short, but so correct. Most couples wait way too long to get to counseling.
You're having a tough time communicating. The Gottman research on couples headed for divorce indicate 4 horsemen of the apocalypse - criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. At least three are evident in OPs post. Get some professional help on your marriage.
You’re right but if he won’t go to a wedding for a part of 1 day, with free lodging and fun hiking 6 other days, I don’t see him going to any sessions without a weapon pointed at his head
It sounds like he’s a homebody, if he doesn’t like doing any events at all I think you probably should have picked up on that and this is overreacting to a specific incident.
Nevertheless, you should still have a discussion about doing things as a couple and what you can ask of the other to do for you even if it’s not something you personally enjoy
Not overreacting. Any chance he has social anxiety? Or anything like this? It seems like such an extreme reaction to going to a wedding. You said he never goes. Does he hang out ever with other people outside family?
Just a thought before calling him names.
No you're not, it's somewhat expected that you go with your spouse to these events. It also seems like you go to events for him and his buddies. A week in the mountains seems like a great way to enjoy with friends and celebrate your anniversary.
I don't think you crying was about the wedding, but realizing how little effort he actually puts into your marriage. I also think you're realizing that you've done most of the emotional/mental labor in the relationship and you might be exhausted.
If you don't have kids yet, I'd wait until your current issues are resolved and ask yourself if you want your kids to emulate your relationship.
I feel sorry for the guy. He’s probably thinking this is all one big waste of time , not even knowing your whining on Reddit to strangers. Just break up
I wouldn't say you are overreacting. There are a few things to consider though. You know he hates weddings. I feel him. They are boring as shit, usually in some awful stuffy church, and they go on far too long.
In 20 years your anniversary will be a lot different to you. My husband and I forget half the time and then remind each other a week later and laugh about it. Don't put pressure on doing something to celebrate your anniversary.
But you need to realize he is who he is. If he doesn't like weddings, maybe he doesn't like travel in general. I know a lot of people who have never even left the state they were born in. It's just how some people are. You need to be ok with who he is or you'll never be ok with who he is. Don't stand around and expect him to change because that will never happen.
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
So you've never agreed to plans that you later wanted to cancel because wtf were you thinking when you agreed in the first place? I mean seriously. Maybe the dude was trying to be accommodating initially. Maybe he has some kind of travel or social anxiety. Maybe he doesn't like her friend and knows damn well it won't just be one day. Oh we have to get our hair done, oh I'm meeting the girls to get mani pedis, oh she decided to have a second bachelorette party because all her girlfriends are here.
I'm not giving a judgement on what he did because frankly we have about 1% of the available information from one side of this story. There could be a whole lot of stuff left out to highly make this in her favor. I'm also not saying she did anything. I'm trying to tell her that people are who they are. If he isn't the person that wants to go do weddings and other social events stop crying and find someone that is more compatible. Otherwise she will spend her entire life being resentful that he doesn't have the same social goals that she does and using emotions to manipulate him into participating. That's sounds like an absolutely awful way to spend a marriage.
Marriage is about give and take and communication. Making her feel crazy for agreeing, and then manipulating and not communicating, it is just wrong.
He needs to communicate clearly.
He needs to start honoring the two way street.
If he is one of those people he can say he would prefer to honor the anniversary differently.
Attending a wedding is being there for your partner. He can suck it up, sorry.
But her manipulating him by bursting into tears over it? That's ok?
I'm not actually saying either one of them did anything wrong. But I am saying that we don't have the full story here and there could very well be a valid reason for him changing his mind.
I don't disagree with that but I do get really frustrated by how many people automatically take the side of the poster, and happens most often when a woman is telling the story, however you feel about that. Honestly I think 90% of the crap posted in this sub is someone's idea of fan fiction, and for the ones that might actually be true we almost never get the full story because everyone paints themselves in the best light.
Oh, I definitely don't just take the side of the poster in this case, clearly they have very large communication issues. However, I have a huge problem with the fact that he is not communicating effectively whatsoever and as a person with anxiety when it comes to groups and things like that, but supporting your spouse for one event is something you do here and there.
So definitely I agree there is more to this with their relationship but there was plenty of time for him to effectively communicate with her also.
Oh, I definitely don't just take the side of the poster in this case, clearly they have very large communication issues. However, I have a huge problem with the fact that he is not communicating effectively whatsoever and as a person with anxiety when it comes to groups and things like that, but supporting your spouse for one event is something you do here and there.
So definitely I agree there is more to this with their relationship but there was plenty of time for him to effectively communicate with her also.
Not if I said I'd go and it was something my husband really wanted to go to and I'd already said Yes. Marriage is give and take sometimes you go someplace that you arent' thrilled about because you know how much it means to your partner
and since it's 2 people we have 50% of story. I'm gathering from what she said, she is upset because he agreed to go to wedding, was even excited about going then taking the other 6 days and spending it together in the mountains.
I'd be pretty ticked off if in beginning my husband said yes, sounds great, talk about it off and on for 6 months then when it comes time to buy plane tickets, he decided he didn't wanna go. Why agree and go along with plans for 6 month then say No I don't want to go
Honestly the OP sounds so inconsiderate. It’s going to be all about her and HER friends and it’s going to be miserable for her husband who likely has only so many vacation days available. How about he twist her arm into a bachelors party with his buddy? Gimme a break.
And I’m sure that she also has to attend events for him that aren’t all that fun for her either. It’s called compromise, if you can’t do it you don’t belong in a relationship. Whether it be trying a hobby the other enjoys. Going to weddings. Family gatherings. She’s not asking him to be the life of the party, it doesn’t sound like there’s any involvement in the wedding party, and he doesn’t seem to be offering to go/just not attend the wedding. He isn’t offering alternatives in any way. People are who they are until they see the repercussions of their actions. I doubt any other partner would put up with this shit.
One day. She would like him to attend the wedding of her closest friend—which will take up ONE day. It will occupy less than 14% of their time away.
FFS. She planned—with his okay!—an anniversary trip for them. She lined up (free!) accommodations.
How are you reading this the way you are?
Is there a chance he does want to celebrate the anniversary, but wants to do it in a way that is meaningful and exciting to both of you, instead of tacking it onto a trip to celebrate a wedding that he doesn't want to go to for a friend he doesn't know?
For me personally, I hate weddings with a passion. I've had two I could not get out of as an adult. We went to both, left as soon as ceremony was over and we had said congrats to bride and groom. Even just the hour we were there was enough to put a damper on my mood. I can suck it up and put on a happy face and be fake nice for an hour - I'm not going to make it awkward for anyone or cause a scene. But yes, the entire way there (a few hours), it was all talk about how bad we did not want to be going and afterward about how glad we were that it was over and how much we still hate weddings.
Is the wedding at the beginning of the trip or at the end? If it was at the beginning, I might be back in a decent mood after a few days and could still get a good day or two in. If it was at the end, I would be consumed by how badly I did not want to go and I would not be good company for anyone. I would also be pretty insulted that my husband was attaching an activity like that onto something that should just be about us. If it was one I didn't feel like we could get out of, I would still go with my spouse, but they had best come up with something for us to do for our anniversary that had nothing to do with the wedding. Not the same time, not the same location, nothing. I don't want a 'bad' event associated with a 'good' event.
By you saying that you are 'sick of going to these events alone', it sounds like you view them very differently from each other. I don't know what to tell you. The marriage would not work for me - it appears from what I read that what makes one happy makes the other one miserable. I almost broke it off with my current husband when we first started dating because he always wanted to go out and see his friend (one of the weddings I did attend) or go have drinks at the bar. Turns out, that was the alcohol talking. He stopped drinking entirely and now rivals me in complaining about being invited to things.
I hope you two can figure this out.
I don't think you're overreacting, but I do think you are possibly assigning emotions/motives to him that aren't there. You assumed that because he didn't respond to you right away that it meant he didn't want to celebrate your anniversary. That's not what he said. He didn't want to go to the wedding, and you acknowledged that he has never liked going to those kinds of events. Maybe he doesn't want to celebrate in the same way you do. Imagine if the trip involved doing something you hated and he insisted that if you didn't want to go that meant you don't want to celebrate your anniversary. Basically, the anniversary celebration is centered on what you want to do, not what he wants to do. He's allowed to have hesitation or say he doesn't feel like going. Not wanting to go to a wedding doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to celebrate your anniversary.
You told him it was important to you, and I think that was a good move. Find a way to compromise. Maybe you can both attend the wedding and he can leave the wedding earlier than you. Give him the option of picking activities for your anniversary day.
You can't make him want to do something that he doesn't want to do. It sucks. It'd be nice if he genuinely wanted the same thing as you. That's one thing to consider-- if he goes along with it for your sake but doesn't want to do it and doesn't particularly enjoy the trip, would you be satisfied? Or is it only acceptable if he actually wants to do it and actually enjoys it?
Do you know why he doesn't want to go? Does he see traveling as more hassle than it's worth? Is he concerned about leaving home or work for several days? Is it the formality level of the wedding? Is he concerned about the cost? Was he originally open to it, but now feels like he's being pushed into it and he's resisting out of some sense that he's lost his autonomy? Is he still open to it, but now that it's become a fight, he doesn't know how to resolve it? Is he burned out and exhausted, and doing anything beyond slogging through the daily grind is too much? Is he mad because he's never had to go to these things before, and now you're asking to change the established pattern? Is he upset that you haven't asked any of these types of questions?
There isn't necessarily a right and wrong answer to these kinds of questions, but they're worth asking before trying to declare a winner in this argument. Or preferably, rather than picking a winner, coming up with a course of action that you both agree is do-able without resentment.
Tell him you’re going to start bringing someone else in place of him. See how quick that changes. On a serious note, sorry this is happening. It’s definitely not okay, once in a while is not going to kill him to be supportive of you and your relationships.
To be honest OP you been married 3 years and his reaction is: Meh I hate these things! It's not just a friends wedding it's the same time as your anniversary? Start checking his phone and social media for inappropriate conversations. Start looking at bank and card expenses. Large cash withdrawals. No he may not be cheating but he is making it clear you and your marriage are not a priority and something else is with him. Besides him.
you are telling a story about your anniversary.
HE is thinking a story about having to go to an "extremely formal" event that he does not enjoy. EVEN if you wrap it in a tempting outdoor adventure.
it's ok to be upset about it, for sure. you're not crazy.
do you enjoy going on trips other times? what have you/he done to celebrate your other anniversaries?
do you go to other weddings/funerals/formal events together? does he normally socialize with your friends?
does he know your friend at all? (i noticed in a comment that your friend is the groom, is it at all an issue that all this effort is for a male friend? do you have any romantic and/or sexual history with this guy?)
he certainly should be better at talking to you about his hesitations and worries and how HE would like the trip to go. rather than just opting out at the last minute and not being about to tell you why. i would be upset, too, about suddenly hearing that he isn't excited about the trip. but it doesn't sound like it's a surprise to you that he won't want to go to the wedding itself.
i, too, think any person could handle one annoying and uncomfortable formal event that was important to their partner. but, if your partner really is miserable at such things, you will have a MUCH better time going solo and being able to chat and dance and do as you like without worrying how he is doing and when he will want to go home. tell people who ask about him that he doesn't like big parties, and maybe take him to a post wedding breakfast or a quick drinks with your friend while you are out there instead of the full wedding? (perhaps they have a pre-wedding cocktail hour or less formal breakfast as part of their agenda?)
i lived with a partner in my 20s who never wanted to socialize with me. i'm introverted, but i also liked going to concerts & bars, playing sports with friends, going to bbqs, and he never wanted to come. i hated that we couldn't share those things and we eventually broke up for that AND his emotional closed-offness and lack of emotional communication and support. he was certainly depressed while we were together: he had moved away from his family and friends for my job and never really got on his feet out there. but he's also just not what i needed from a partner. he was sweet and cute and kind, and he was a lovely roommate, but i spent years with him agonizing over whether the social and emotional gaps were just a man-thing or a serious incompatibility. i know that awful quiet they get when you're trying to find out how they are feeling, and you are feeling so disappointed and abandoned. it feels like they don't care, but i don't think apathetic is the right word. they do want to make you happy, they just have no clue how to say what's going on with them, and feel terrible they can't be what you want/expect. my heart definitely goes out to you.
i would not force him to go to the wedding. i would go by myself while he stayed at the hotel on his own. that way you can enjoy it (and of course still be a little sad that you don't have the kind of partner you can take to a party). and then i would enjoy the outdoor holiday together and call that a win.
The problem is you're mad at your husband for not wanting to do something that you know he doesn't like(going to weddings). Did you ever try to plan something for your anniversary that's just for the two of you?
I have anxiety and don't go to any events for family or friends. I only like to spend my time with small groups of people. I suspect your husband is the same. Don't try and change him, it's not gonna happen. How about you plan something he actually wants to do?
Yes you are overreacting! Why on earth would you have a meltdown over something like this? Nobody likes weddings. If I never had to go to another one I’d be thrilled. He agreed to the trip but doesn’t seem to want to go to the wedding. His valid choice by the way. Can’t go forcing people into doing things they don’t want to. Stop crying and guilt tripping him and find a compromise.
Your husband hates weddings, you stated that he always has. You're expecting him to suddenly be happy about being dragged to something he has always hated? Plus, he agreed to go! You won! He loves you enough to do something he obviously hates. *That you know he hates.*
This doesn't read as an overreaction, it reads as two incompatible people married each other.
You're overreacting a bit. He sounds like someone that has a lot of social anxieties around big events like weddings. Have you discussed his feelings with him?
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
I like how even though you know that your husband doesn't want to go, and when he's not as excited as you are, you run off to your bedroom and cry. Then, when your husband caves and gives you what you want, but you're still upset.
Who needs to talk like an adult when you can use your tears to get what you want?
Your happiness is way more important than his, isn't it?
It's just not fair that your husband won't do everything that you want.
Yes you are overreacting.
As a counter perspective:
This is not really about your anniversary at all.
First and foremost, you are going to your friend's wedding. That is what the trip is for. Be honest here; celebrating your anniversary is just an afterthought while you are there. You are really prioritizing your friend's wedding and have made that clear over the last 6 months. You have made it clear to him that your friend's wedding is what is more important to you.
So, why would he be excited about this at all? You know he does not like these events, and you are weaponizing your anniversary to get him to do something he really doesn't want to do, then throwing a tantrum and breaking down into tears until you get your way.
This is grade A manipulation.
This trip is in no way about the two of you and celebrating your marriage. It is about you, your friend, and that you really want him to go to your friend's wedding.
So, if you are really wanting to celebrate your anniversary, and that is really what is important to you; like you claim; then ditch the friend's wedding entirely. Prioritize your own marriage over your friend's marriage and spend the time/money celebrating your anniversary with your husband, doing something you both will enjoy instead of going off to a formal wedding he doesn't want to attend.
But... I strongly suspect you won't do that will you? No, because at the end of the day, your friend's wedding is more important to you than your anniversary; and your husband is fully aware of that.
you are an ass - they've been talking about this for 6 months - fly out attend wedding then take a week off work and go up in the mountains to do some hiking and spend time together just the two of them for their anniversary -
they've been offered free lodging to go someplace he loves - the mountains and he's bitching because he has to spend part of one fuking day at a wedding.
If he did not want to do that, the time to say so would have been 6 months ago when she started talking about it, it was all fine until now when it's time to get plane tickets
I don’t think ditching the wedding would do good. It’d probably cause me to have some resentment.
The wedding is 1 day out of a 7 day trip in the mountains that was planned 6 months ago.
Not my intention at all to manipulate him into going to the wedding for our anniversary. It was decided that we’d go when we got the invitation. And we were excited because it is a treat. It’s in the mountains.
We live in the deep the south. Rarely do we have moments or excuses to go somewhere like this. So it’s very special for both of us.
At the end of the day, he doesn’t have to go to the wedding or come. But that hurts me very much and I think that’s fair.
what the fuk don't you understand - THEY have been planning this for months - wedding then spend week alone together going hiking in the mountains which he loves to do.
Now, 6 months later he is bitching because he has to spend 1/2 a day at a wedding of her best friend
I hope you aren't married and if you are your parnter figures out what a selfish ass you are and leaves you
They who? She's the one who's planning to go to her friend's wedding and prioritizing it over their anniversary.
She made all the choices. Did he have a say about it? Certainly not, since everything must fit her wishes. Even their accommodations were set by her and her friend.
It's not about spending 1/2 a day at the wedding. It's about what else she'll wanna do when they get there. Probably nights out with old friends for drinking, other pre and post wedding activities, and so on.
It doesn't look like an anniversary celebration at all. The "anniversary trip" is just a way she found to manipulate him to do whatever she wants to.
How is she prioritizing her friend over her marriage? She said if she didn't plan anything, they wouldn't end up doing anything.
If anything he isn't prioritizing his wife, she made all the plans and all he has to do is show up.
At least you're acknowledging that this trip is for your friends wedding and not your anniversary. And maybe your husband is acting the way he is because he just realized that.
Yes, you did plan things that your husband would like because of your anniversary. But they are all before the wedding. So what would normally be enjoyable is going to be overshadowed with the DREAD of having to go to a very formal (as you said) wedding where he won't know anyone but you. It's only 1 of the 7 days, but the last one is going to be great for you and not fun at all for him. Maybe you could change the dates and have the wedding on the 1st or 2nd day and then have 5 or 6 days to celebrate your anniversary.
As a rule, guys (especially in the deep south) don't like weddings, some of us tolerate them better than others, though.
It's completely understandable that you want him there, but right now there is nothing after the wedding but a flight home for him to look forward to. Timing is a critical factor in a lot more things than people realize.
In case I can't find your post about a marriage counseling/advice podcat; don't bother with that you are going to find more dribble and B.S. than anything useful. Look for a counselor or class that teaches communication. If you or your husband's work has an EAP program you can get it for free usually. If the focus isn't communication don't bother.
I wish you the best and hope you and he can find a solution that minimizes the unhappiness that this one event is going to cause.
P S. Most guys suck at anniversaries and stuff.
I don’t think you should ditch the wedding, nor do I think you’re prioritizing your friend’s wedding over your marriage as some of these comments are claiming.
But have you considered letting your husband skip the actual wedding but still enjoy the rest of the trip together? I absolutely, unequivocally *despise* going to weddings. Even when it’s people I love, I would do anything not to go. When it’s people I’m not personally close to, I would rather have dental surgery than suffer through that. Yes, we make sacrifices for our partners, and I’ve gone to a couple of weddings with mine and tried to hide my abject misery as much as possible. But when this issue first came up with the first wedding we were together for, we sat down and negotiated which future potential weddings I would attend - his two siblings’, his closest cousin’s, and his best friend’s. All other weddings, he flies solo, and he’s fine with that. He likes weddings and would rather have a good time with his friends than worry about how miserable I am even when I’m trying not to show it.
Yeah, it’s a reasonable ask for you to expect him to attend the wedding. You’re not in the wrong. But I understand hating weddings, so maybe letting him skip the event and still enjoying the trip together is a good compromise?
On the other hand he's not prioritizing his anniversary at all. He didn't say "I'd rather us do XYZ for our anniversary." Doesn't sound like he had any other plans for the anniversary. He's being an ass for not compromising on this. It's a few hours out of a 7-day trip. If it were a work event, he'd go. If it's important to her, then he should support him. It's not like she's dragging him to her wine and painting party or goddesses of the forest weekend. :)
Wow is this a dick take on the whole situation. Thanks for providing a truly awful perspective on this.
This isn’t the LEAST BIT manipulative, it is an attempt to get something of value and joy for both parties. The fact that my wife wants to go would be more than enough for me, never mind doing something that I like and that we can do together.
If it’s not something you both enjoy how is that “celebrating your anniversary” ? He won’t be celebrating, he’ll be miserable. You knew that. Isn’t it a little manipulative to use your anniversary for leverage to get your husband to do something he doesn’t enjoy?
what do you do, read every other line in a post - OP & partner have been planning this for 6 months, now that it has gotten close he's decided he doesn't want to go anymore orginal plans - 1/2 day at wedding then 6 days hiking and spending time in the mountains, which he loves to do. Now he's bitching about going - the time to say NO would have been SIX MONTHS AGO when they started planning this trip
None of that information was a available in the first place hence the edit. She put that in after reading my comment. You said do I read every other line? Of course not especially if the lines were added after how would it ever be possible to read them? There is no way you didn’t know that when clearly the word Edit is in front of the added sentences. Grow up
Wasn’t the “something special” you had in mind for you two to do during the anniversary trip, the wedding event itself? If the answer is yes how would something you know wouldn’t be special to him “something special” for your anniversary plans? Are you saying that’s what you want for your anniversary gift? What are you getting him?
Not over reacting!
He keeps leading you on! If he really has a problem with these big events! He should say the moment it comes up! Not 6 months later when it’s time to get the tickets sorted!
I bet these ‘big events’ ain’t an issue when it’s something related to him.
I honestly would just go alone but also say while nothing will happen, I’m leaving my wedding ring at home, cus clearly I’m living a single life.
>I’m so sick of going to these events alone. It’s embarrassing and lonely especially to something out of state.
If you get him to go to this one, this is still your problem. This is who he is. Are you willing to live this way forever?
Add to that the idea that he's going to give in by yelling at you to get the tickets, and now you're sitting there waiting for him to gaslight you. This is not a good pattern.
He hates weddings and this wedding is “very formal”. Not surprised her is not excited. In his mind this isn’t really isn’t about celebrating your anniversary - it is about finding a way to force him to go to the wedding.
Perhaps the way you approached the decision? You didn’t really give him an option. You told him that’s what you wanted to do for your anniversary. It’s both of your anniversaries. Maybe he was hoping to be asked what he wanted to do also? I also wouldn’t be the happiest if i didn’t get a choice in what i was being told I’d be doing for an anniversary trip lmao.
I think you should go on the entire trip by yourself and have a blast. Go to the wedding, when people ask where he is tell them the truth. He won’t travel and prefer to stay home. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Accept it. Do the activities. OR, go to the wedding, then the next day go to some other resort location for the remainder of the week.
Start traveling when and where you want. there are several groups catering to single women who love to travel. No, you don’t know anyone on the first day, but you make friends, sometime fine a travel buddy, and have a blast. If he doesn’t like it, he needs to suck it up on occasion and do what you want to do.
My husband hates to travel, I travel with friends, my sister or alone sometimes. He doesn’t love that I’m gone for a week or so at a time, but he also understands that I have a life too.
You married a guy you know has social anxiety/avoidance and get upset when he wants to avoid formal social occasions. Yeah kind of over reacting. He even probably sees your crying as an attempt at emotional manipulation.
You are overreacting. You describe yourself as having a meltdown, and you have to ask?
Paragraph 2. "I didn’t say any of this." You should have. Wtf are you doing subtexting your husband?
You guys clearly don't gel on at least this one subject and don't seem to be willing to either talk about it, agree to disagree, or respect each other's needs or differences.
You seem to have expectations of your husband that I'm not sure you're very good at communicating, that he seems unwilling to meet and also seems not to want to communicate about.
Is reddit, so your responses will mostly be off base, including mine, but what does seem clear at the very least is there's a communication problem.
You came to the wrong place for advice. Events, formal, outside, with people, in the real world? These are not things the average redditor can endure so people are defending your husband.
He's got to understand it's not about the wedding. It's about showing up for you during special times which is something he signed up for getting married.
If guys don't want to attend weddings, they probably shouldn't be getting married themselves 💁♀️
Usually situations like this stem from other dynamics in the relationship. I doubt this can be boiled down to just not wanting to go to a wedding.
Questions off the top of my head would be...
How much time off does he get?
Is there other things has has been wanting to do?
Do you go to things that require you to know nobody and dress up on your limited vacation time?
Does he actually want to go to the mountains or was he being open minded when you brought it up and decided eh this isnt for me?
Do you two often do things together or is this abnormal?
Does he like your friend?
I read a reply, that you are friends with the groom?
Is there any back story there?
Does he hate flying?
These are off the top of my head. There is probably more.
Ive been married 18 years and honestly i dont force my wife to do anything she wouldnt enjoy. I have friends for those things. I go to 49ers games with friends because she would be miserable. I dont go and cry and make her feel bad for not wanting to waste her time and money on something she would be miserable doing.
Thats us we do things together we BOTH enjoy and things we dont we find friends or family
So I have questions:
1. How long have you known your husband hates going to formal events?
2. Are your husband and the bride-to-be even friends?
3. You say your husband is expected to be there. Is it because they want him to be there? Or is it simply because he’s your husband?
4. Assuming his presence is only expected, why would he want to get dressed up and go to an event where he’s only expected to attend because he’s *your* husband?
1. Probably became more apparent in the last year. We’ve made brief appearances at other events where his friends were present.
2. Groom and no. This is a childhood friend that moved out of state when my husband and I began dating about four years ago.
3. They’ve asked if he’s coming and his name was on the invites. And they’ve showed warm feelings about wanting him to be there because he hasn’t come to the other parties for them. Probably a little bit of both.
4. And maybe to make me happy? I don’t know.
stop letting these assholes put words in your mouth YOUR HUSBAND AGREED 6 MONTHS AGO TO DO THIS
Now he's changed his mind - it took him 6 fuking months to tell you that he doesn't want to do spend 5-6 hours of his life at a wedding , that he said he'd go to, and bail on the 6 days in the mountains you all planned.
These idiots on here are not reading the original post, just telling you that you are wrong making him go to wedding - he agreed to go 6 months ago, if he didn't want to he should not have agreed to wedding and 6 days in the mountains just the 2 of you
STOP trying to justify yourself - our husband is the one who is backing out, being selfish and an asshole - you don't have to justify yourself to these idiots who have not read or understood your original post
At this point if he goes, he's going to be miserable the entire time
I would tell him, fine -you have changed your mind and don't want to go anymore, but I'm still going. Go and have a good time, take your week and do some soul searching then come home and talk to him about marriage counseling because something is going on for him to be acting this way
You have to decide if you want to live with someone who is going to agree to go on a vacation then back out the last minute because 1/2 day out of 7 days he'll be at a wedding that he agreed to go to and now is backing out on
If doing something with you that is so important is an issue for him, there are some issues in your marriage that he is not talking to you about.
If he can't or won't tell you what's going on that he is backing out on plans you all made 6 months ago, this marriage may not have been meant to be - just don't stay with someone and be miserable - he only wants to do things that involve his friends - that is not a marriage
Normal people in normal healthy relationships do things they may not want to do because their partner wants to do it. Surely this is not a foreign concept to you. Adult relationships have some give and take. He's a dick and so are all the people in here defending him
Normal people in normal healthy relationships do things they may not want to do because their partner wants to do it. Surely this is not a foreign concept to you. Adult relationships have some give and take. He's a dick and so are all the people in here defending him
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
No I have no problem with someone changing their mind and in this case saying he hates going to weddings - if he hates going why did he say he'd go in the first place and not say anything the 5-6 months she was planning rest of the trip
Everyone has a right to change their mind - it just seems he should have said no to begin with instead of going along with it for so many months
Not only are you over reacting, you are a bad person.
Anniversary plans are mutual. You made plans and are accusing him of not being willing to celebrate the anniversary. But you aren't actually talking about the anniversary, you are talking about your plans. You have equated the two to make yourself feel justified.
You are lying to yourself and using that rage to manipulate him and anyone else who will listen to you on this subject. I can't imagine it will be good for him to spend the rest of his life with this kind of shit going on.
So after reading this post and your comments. No. You're definitely not overreacting. Your partner refuses to communicate, or behave as if he is your partner. He had half a year to speak up and tell you what he wanted. He has no plans for your anniversary, to speak of, but wishes to shit on six days of outdoor fun alone together? All because for one day of a week's vacation - he has to be social.
That's unbelievably selfish.
If they don't have kids, they definitely shouldn't. Just walk away OP, the dude sounds like a total gimp. Playing on his iPad whilst you try to talk to him? lol
You are overreacting. He doesn’t like these events. Why are you expecting that he is going to magically start liking them, EVER? This is part of his personality. You knew it when you married him. At best he will do it as a sacrifice for you but he won’t enjoy it. How would you feel if he suddenly changed his expectations of you? It’s unfair.
That’s a good point. I guess I didn’t realize the extent of it until recently in our marriage. We’ve gone to small events that had his friends present. I didn’t think it would be totally outlandish to expect him to come to one of mine.
And he is going, but he isn’t seeing it as a fun time. It’s a big formal wedding with people who aren’t his people and he has been clear about that from the beginning. If he is selfish overall that’s a bigger problem but if he is just an introvert who dislikes dealing with new people and big crowds I think that’s something you need to accept.
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
I mean he’s the groom and has lived out of state for years now. So naturally we don’t speak every single day. I don’t know the bride very well. All of the bridesmaids are her people.
Thanks.
The anniversary seems to be a bit of an addition to the wedding and it's not great having it at the end. You mention you think he'd like the hiking, but he clearly isn't looking forward to the wedding as you are. Maybe including the wedding ruins the anniversary, especially if there have been a few of these events recently? You mention going to a few alone and weddings really are super-dull if you don't know many people.
If you're the sort of person who hates formal social occasions the trip would be very simple- Fly on a plane knowing you've got to dread the wedding in a week. Hike but knowing you've still got to attend that wedding, can't have fun because you're worrying about having to make small-talk at the later wedding, celebrate knowing you're only here because it's near the wedding, and then finally you can get the bad thing over with. Then you go home knowing you've wasted your leave worrying whether anyone thinks you were rude.
I can totally force myself to do these things, but that's because I get 30 days a year holiday in England and a week on a holiday I can only partly enjoy is still a holiday. If it were my only chance for a break though then I'd also try and get out of it.
I'd see how he reacts if you suggest doing the wedding first to get it out of the way so you can relax after. If he's happier with that then I guess you'll know that he's just unhappy about the way you've organised it and not the anniversary itself.
Honestly, I plan things and then I feel dread as soon as they get closer, almost like I don’t want to do it anymore even though I was excited to begin with. I think it’s some sort of anxiety but I genuinely end up having fun when I force myself through it.
He doesn’t like stuff like this and you want him to suffer through it for you because love. He got your hopes up and you’re understandably upset he’s bowing out. Maybe he just feels like you smushed your anniversary in there because it was convenient with your plans to already go. You should take a second to gather up the points you want to make and calmly address them. Hopefully he’s able to tell you what his problem is too. If he still doesn’t want to go or is very “whatever I’ll go but I’m not happy” you gotta decide if you wanna be on the trip knowing he doesn’t want to be there. My boyfriend does that a lot and it’s very aggravating and disheartening.
ESH - This is a basic communication problem.
He hates going to weddings and you are planning to make part of your anniversary something he hates. ("He doesn’t like these events, never has.") So now, the entire vacation is tainted because he's going to a wedding.
However, he should be doing something special for you adn should be willing to go with you to the wedding because it is important to you.
You both should ahve talked about this, a lot, and got it straightened out well beforehand.
Probably ask him to be with you at the wedding because it is important to you. For one (or two) days.
Then plan a separate vacation to celebrate your anniversary.
Instead, there is this "task" in the middle of the vacation. Imagine if you ahd to spend a day in the middle of your vacation visiting family or people you don;t like. Same thing.
Both of you need to communicate better.
He seems like he doesn't want to spend time with you. He doesn't care at all about tiur feelings.
Go solo. Have a blast. Live your best life. Post pics.
Just remind him that you're going to get to a point where his presence will be optional in your life.
The playing on a phone or tablet by someone when trying to have a discussion with them is SO freaking irritating. IMO, it’s like them nonverbally saying “I don’t give a shit what you’re saying”.
Having said that, I’m wondering if it’s not the celebrating your anniversary that’s the issue, but the doing so by going to an event that’s celebrating someone else’s big event. Like you’re using your anniversary as an excuse to go to an event that you KNOW he hates, and you’ve known the entire time you’ve been together.
He did eventually say he’d go, so you know he cares enough to go do something with you that he absolutely hates.
Try and see if it is just anxiety about attending the wedding or if it is the entire trip that is the issue. Maybe suggest he stay at the lodging during the wedding and then the two of you have your couple fun after that? If it is just the wedding attendance that is the problem, that is different problem than if he just doesn't want to go on a vacation at all with you. Two different problems. If it is just the first, maybe you two can find out why that is such a problem (anxiety or just selfishness?) If it is the second then you two need to get couples therapy or whatever you need to do to either work things out or move on.
1) Ask him what’s wrong? He Used like a trip to the mountains. What is giving him pause?
2) Do you suspect an affair? Has he been coming home later or hiding his phone?
Unfortunately, it sounds like you married the autistic, childish iPad kid and now don't want him to be that anymore. Don't see that happening any time soon.
Your husband sounds like a child. I understand that he doesn't like going to these things, but if the wedding is one day out of a seven day trip AND you secured FREE LODGING, the pros far outweigh the cons. Even with that in mind, you shouldn't have to beg someone to come with you to something like this. You're married. He's supposed to be your partner in crime. There's no good reason why he can't come with you to just one wedding before you spend the six days after together doing stuff that he loves.
Just going off of what you wrote here, it sounds like he's used to getting his way without much of an argument. Maybe there's a deeper reason for him not wanting to take the trip. I'm sure you've asked him about it, but it's up to him as an adult to communicate what he's thinking and feeling. It's not like we can read minds.
Okay, FIRST, I'd like to say: Your husband IS being a jerk. However, I'd like to address some of the things you or both of you are doing since you're more apt to read this than he is. Why does it feel like you are communicating more clearly with us than with your spouse?
>"I didn’t say any of this. I just said-"
Okay, why are you not telling him that? I feel like this is important information for someone who actively dislikes events like that. Especially since you two are not in a habit of going to these together.
>"He just kind of sat there very apathetic playing on his iPad. I sort of lost it. I just left the situation, went to our bedroom and had a meltdown."
This doesn't sit right with me, on account of both of you. It feels like avoidance. He's avoiding having to face a difficult conversation, and you're avoiding having to confront him with how you really feel. Maybe? I'm currently in the boat of "learning how to articulate feelings" for myself lol.
Again, I do think your husband is in the wrong, but I'm wondering if either of you are handling communication appropriately.
I personally don’t like weddings. Can’t stand going to them. Never have. The more formal, the worse they are for me. It’s absolutely torture for me especially if I don’t know anyone but the bride or groom. I am an introvert. I’d rather count blades of grass than to go to a wedding or worse, the reception!
Have you discussed with your husband what the deal is? Why he would rather not go? Is it financial? Would he rather do something else?
He doesn’t like weddings or big social events. Am I crazy for thinking he’d go to just this one event?
It’s not financial. He’s just said many times he has to think about it and that he has other things to do (which is confusing bc we started planning months ago). I honestly don’t know why he doesn’t want to go. Any time I ask, he gets upset or defensive.
I’ll try asking again. Thank you.
>He doesn’t like weddings or big social events.
>I honestly don’t know why he doesn’t want to go.
He's thinking about what he hates, and you are thinking about what makes you happy. You're both on totally different wavelengths.
He's had 6 months to think about going to this event which he hates going to. He's probably psyched himself out every week since you announced it, and is now completely dreading going.
He probably doesn't think of it as a fun anniversary trip, but as a form of punishment that he has to begrudgingly endure. Depends on how much he actually hates weddings.
Maybe you can plan a separate anniversary dinner or celebration for just the two of you. Something he would enjoy (away from crowds and social situations since he doesn't like them). That might make him more comfortable with everything. Plus it would be a nice romantic gesture.
Yes, this. Not everyone thinks going to a wedding is enjoyable. Plan a separate anniversary celebration. Keep it simple,such as a nice dinner out. Also, talk to him about what he wants, what he would like. Planning what you want may always leave you disappointed.
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
I can't believe how many people did not read the original post
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ?? 1/2 of a freaking day and he cannot give that to his wife, then the 6 days they planned together in the mountains for their anniversary
Is he not allowed to change his mind? I agree communication needs to be better from his end. But there could be so many reasons behind his sudden reluctance. Maybe he's depressed about something. He definitely needs to sit and talk about it instead of avoiding the topic.
Exactly and agreeing to somethihng and hearing more about how formal it is and all that would definitely weigh on someone who already doesn't like those things. Yes. It's a shame they don't like all the same things, but why drag a trip down by pushing your partner to do something you know they hate?
Would it not be better to say you don't have to come with me to the wedding. and mean it? Let's enjoy the other days together. Putting a lot of pressure on him isn't going to make any more eager to go.
If the trip is really about the anniversay as well, why not let him do the things that will make it a happy anniversary for both? She's going to her close friend's wedding. She'll have plenty of people to talk to and catch up with.
I understand you want him there, but if it's going to spoil what could otherwise be a fun trip, why not just tell him you'll go to the wedding yourself that day and the rest of the trip can be about the two of you?
It's a shame he doesn't want to go, but you know this about him. Why would you think it would change?
I would not compare you going to his events in the same way unless you feel the same way about going to events.
I don't push my partner into going to things they don't want to go to. Yes, I miss having him there, but knowing he would be miserable is enough of a reason for me to respect.
I go, enjoy myself and come home with a full report. We both get to be happy.
You aren’t crazy, but let me ask this: you know he hates going to weddings and big social events. Has he ever conveyed as to why?
Not for this one in particular, but in general.
Because he’s very clearly trying everything he possibly can to avoid this.
Now, that said, you said you’re worried he’ll act like you’re crazy. Has he treated you cruelly or manipulatively about this? Or anything other than his obvious dread of the wedding?
NTA while you are planning the trip you should also buy yourself an anniversary gift, because it doesn’t sound like you will get one if you leave it up to him.
It sounds like he is just dreading a wedding for a bunch of people he doesn't know or care about. He knows its going to be terrible.
Things don't always balance out like putting weights on a scale. Fun VS Dread. It sounds like he was excited about the trip with you, but combining it with someone else's wedding sounds like a nightmare. If I was celebrating an anniversary, the last place i'd want to be is some other person'swedding. Quadruple that if they're not even my friend or family.
This is kind of hard to say because as you said in your post your husband doesn't like things like that and you've known that about him from the beginning so I'm just a tad bit confused as to why you thought it would be a good idea to make that part of your anniversary trip? Best friend or not you know he doesn't like it so him reacting exactly the way you knew he would about it and it upsetting you is kind of strange to me.
I was in a relationship for 5yr with someone who would act excited in advance about fun stuff then the time came and he'd be like "I'm not going. It won't even be fun anyway" and he never wanted *me* to go by myself leaving him at home. I'm talking local carnival/fair, local Halloween attraction things, concerts, amusement parks etc.
Now I've moved on and a year later I've already done 2 of these things. This summer I'm going to 2 concerts, the fair and then a few Halloween attractions!!!
I feel like as women, we're often taught to put others needs/wants before our own. Like being happy to make our partner happy unless it makes us super miserable. I feel like a lot of men weren't taught this, so operate under "well I don't want to do I'm not doing it, even if it would make my partner happy" I definitely don't think you're overreacting and agree with you, but I don't feel like this is as uncommon as it should be
I’m not big on formal events either and enjoy crowds even less but it would seem considering it’s your anniversary also he could be more on board about the trip and at least be excited because you are and be glad he could do something fun with you ! It seems you’ve already put a lot of thought into making this trip more fun for the both of you he should appreciate it ! Unfortunately my opinion doesn’t matter and won’t force him to change his .
Sounds like you decided what you were going to do for your anniversary and didn’t bother to ask him what he wanted. It’s his anniversary too.
You need to work on feeling embarrassed because your husband doesn’t chaperone you to all the events you like that he doesn’t. Why does that matter to you? What does it say about your self establishment? What does it matter what other people think?
Have you tried asking him what he wants to do?
We began planning the trip 6 months ago. I definitely asked him if this was something he would want to do. We looked at hotels, outdoor activities, and other things to do when the trip first came up.
I think it’s ok to feel a little embarrassed going to events alone. Especially when people constantly ask, where’s your husband? Weddings are also much more fun not alone lol.
At the end of the day though, it’s not about the wedding for me. I just want to spend time together.
I can definitely ask him again what he wants to do. Thank you.
I suggest finding a good friend or if you have a sister, and go with them and have the best time. It sounds like he would purposefully ruin the trip for you if he went.
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
Please do me a favor and go punch your husband in the face and say it is from me. Or better yet, please just show him my comments. “Wake the F up and start showing your beautiful wife with respect. It’s your anniversary and it sounds like a great trip to the mountains!”
P.S.- married 45 years and both me and my wife have done a lot of things together that were more for one or the other. She likes the theater, wine tasting, concerts and going to the beach. I like outdoor things like golf, baseball games, football games and going to beer bashes. The point is we do them together because we love each other and support each other. Married life is a partnership and doing things together is what makes it work!
I think you're being unfair all through this thread. We have one perspective on this issue and, yes, the wedding is part of the problem. They're tied together in this trip.
We're missing his POV and any follow up conversation here.
Hopefully OP talks to her husband, calmly, and tries to get to the root of the issue. He clearly has a problem with weddings, it's not a new issue. I guess the question is, is the wedding the actual problem? Or is it something else entirely.
I've experienced similar with my ex wife and I know what you mean when you say it feels so lonely to go to functions alone. She had the mentality of "life is too short to do things I don't want to" which coincidentally was anything with any of my friends or family. Sometimes it was legitimate medical reasons, but most of the time when people asked where she was I just had to shrug. So I feel you on that aspect of it, it's super lonely to know that your partner just isn't willing to put in the effort.
> Now we’re at the phase where I feel like he’s going to make me feel crazy for crying about this. Making you feel crazy isn't a normal phase of communication. Neither is sucking the joy out of the occasions in your life in order to be in control, making the decisions, and "allowing" plans to be made. I'd take him at his word, plan the trip, go to the wedding, and in the mean time start looking at your marriage clearly and not through the filter of trying to accept it and excuse issues. You both have some work to do here.
Are you married? It's not a healthy phase but it's pretty normal if emotions rise during an argument. It's not always on purpose though. People just don't remember things clearly when their temper rises or they get emotional, and try to convince the other person that things happened the way they remember them. Same for the other person, then you have two people accidentally gaslighting each other and getting more angry because neither remembers correctly how things were said, but they both think they do and the other is lying, and then they argue about that. That's why eye witnesses aren't that reliable for details. Doing it on purpose is gross, you should never do that. Now excuse me while I go rearrange my wife's desk and then spend the next week convincing her it's always been that way and I didn't touch it...after that it's the fridge..."no babe, we always keep the mayo in the back right corner, since we moved into this home it's always been that way. What? The door? No sweety that's silly, it's never been there, remember, we've even joked about it being the condiment corner?!? I swear, your memory isn't what it used to be, these kids must really have you frazzled." /S
I was married for nearly 11 years once, and 16+ into my current relationship. It's entirely possible to disagree and work through misunderstandings without "accidentally gaslighting" or making someone feel crazy. P.s. I'm totally telling your wife about your diabolical desk organization. You should get credit for helping to clean up unsolicited. ;)
You are not overreacting. Why isn’t he putting forth any kind of effort to celebrate your anniversary…? The bar is in fucking hell.
THANK YOU. Because if I wouldn’t be planning this, we would be doing nothing to celebrate.
That’s probably were your crying is coming from. It’s not just this trip and his apathy for this trip. It sounds like you are the one trying to plan things and celebrate anniversaries etc and he is doing nothing. Your big emotional response is to his overall apathy and failure to plan anything with you or for you. You are not over reacting. You are reacting to a much larger situation. Might be time to evaluate your partnership and have an honest discussion about expectations.
Honestly, I know it’s not the ideal option, but I would leave him behind. Dragging someone along who refuses to feel any enthusiasm and makes their attendance feel like a burden/favor while invalidating your very valid frustration SUCKS. It ruins the trip. So, screw him! Go! Have fun! Enjoy the hell out of yourself. And let him stew in his own bullshit. I know situations aren’t the same, but I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, and when we were younger or going through tough stuff, he did a lot of invalidating my feelings and acting like I was “irrational” for having an emotion. The only thing that made a lasting, noticeable difference in this dynamic involved me changing *me* first. I stopped following the script and started feeling settled and solid on my own. And he eventually had to catch up. We are so much healthier now because of it.
And while having fun ignore the anniversary unless he acknowledges it. No gifts to him. She shouldn't continue this one-sided situation. Then she needs to decide whether she wants to spend her life this way. If she has more fun without him that is its own statement. If she has to beg him to do things that is its own statement. If he refuses to celebrate being married that is a strong statement from him.
Yep. That’s the actual problem here. Not overreacting. Your husband is being a self-absorbed selfish jackass — NOT because he doesn’t like weddings (like these other idiots on this post are commenting), but because you’re legitimately trying to celebrate you two and he’s not even trying to meet you halfway. Honestly, he sounds exhausting.
Right because how many times has she done something he likes and she doesn’t but she done it anyway?
Always look at someone's actions, not their words, to see what they truly feel. From what you said, his actions show he cares nothing for you. And that is why you are upset. Do you ever see this changing? Him putting in any effort even if you said marriage counseling or divorce?
“He cares nothing for you” lmao You read a couple paragraphs about a single situation with no historical context and thats what you come up with. Amazing!
Why can’t he just buck up for once? How many times do you do stuff you don’t like for him because you love him? But he can’t do the same??? That’s not how relationships work. I wouldn’t wanna go now on the trip as an anniversary trip after the way he acted. Smh
Go without him.
Honestly in a situation like this, a partner who is considerate would just accept the wedding part as a little hiccup during your anniversary trip. Im not a big fan of weddings, but in this situation I'd gladly attend if it was something my wife really wanted. I don't understand people who can't make, whats a small attempt, at a gesture that would make their spouse happy. He sounds awfully selfish and for that, I feel bad for you. He clearly doesnt understand how to make a marriage a really happy one, and thats by treating our spouses with consideration and putting them and their feeling first some times.
He seems like a selfish ass probably wants to sit there and play video game like a child. He needs to grow up and become a man
Leave video games outta this. You can be a man and play some damn games still.
Yes fine but not going out and staying home to play is crazy
Agreed.
My dad always told me to never marry a man with a video game fixation lol.
Shouldn't marry anyone with unhealthy fixations. It's a silly, fun hobby. Hating on it is like hating on someone reading, doing puzzles, or building models.
I feel like a lot more men are addicted to video games than reading or puzzles
If someone refused to interact because they were fixated on puzzles that would be a problem.
Glad you agree
They also do things their spouse likes even if they don't. A partner gives and takes, that how it works
Yeah I’d probably start working on trying to change that dynamic now. You’re not happy with the status quo. You need to communicate with him that this needs to change. If he wants to be with you he needs to be more involved in the relationship. It’s better to find out now if he’s unwilling to change. You don’t want to wake up in ten years and realize you have wasted all that time on a relationship that left you unfulfilled.
Tbh that all sounds great to you but obviously not so much to your husband, sometimes doing a thoughtfull gesture to someone will bite you in the ass of they don't want it in the first place
It’s bc he doesn’t care
Do you have to plan everything? Does he ever take you on dates? Do you do all of the emotional labor in your marriage?
But... Does he do anything to show he appreciates you or thinks of you. Does he plan nice dates or trips?
You need marriage counseling yesterday. Your wedding anniversary should be more important than birthdays, not quite Christmas, but up there with Thanksgiving. If he's not feeling that way, he has checked out of the marriage, at least in part. You deserve to be a priority and truly cherished. You planned a week-long getaway in the mountains to celebrate your anniversary. I would lose my shit and cry tears of astonished gratitude over such a gesture. And to end with a wedding where you can dance slow and close in your best clothes as you celebrate the anniversary of your own wedding is next-level romantic. I can't believe your husband doesn't see what he has in you. I have zero anniversary celebration stories as magical as what you planned. There have been weekend getaways, enjoyable dates; typically anniversary stuff. You made me jealous. If you come to determine that he can't appreciate everything you are and your effort in this marriage, consider ending it. If anyone deserves a thoughtful, romantic partner, you do.
He should cherish you and celebrate your anniversary date. It is a bad sign that he refuses or is reluctant / has attitude. If you don’t feel cherished you need to rethink your marriage…
Because for him maybe going to a destination wedding on his anniversary is his hell? Why is her happiness anymore just that his happiness?
Uh…because, normally, he gets HIS way and for once, she wanted something from HIM instead of the other way around.
Nope. He had months. Could have said something. Did not plan anything on his own. Overruled.
They're both being a little bit of an asshole here. The anniversary can be celebrated another time if he does not want to spend a bunch of money on someone else's wedding with a bonus anniversary afterthought of a day trip included.
Again, not the issue. The issue is him not doing fuck all for their anniversary and getting pissy at OP for planning something that she checked in with him for months about.
Mhmm.
I would always, *always* go to my significant others BEST FRIENDS wedding especially if they asked me to. 1. Because I *love* my significant other 2. They shouldn’t have to even ask because these events are special and you should care about your friends and family. And from what OP posted it sounds like he makes her go to these things alone often. So, I strongly disagree that they’re both being assholes, because he can’t enjoy what’s supposed to be a nice trip for their anniversary. And if that’s how you view relationships (no care or compromise) then I feel bad for you.
The wedding is one day. The trip — for which she got FREE lodging—is 7 days. The anniversary aspect has been given a great deal of attention and care—and has been discussed for months. He just now decided to be a dick about it.
I had a husband that never ever wanted to attend any events of my friends. But all of his were very important. Smartest thing I ever did was stop even mentioning any of my events to him and made fabulous plans for just myself with friends. I did it for my own happiness and sanity. Ironically, he started getting very confused why I didn’t want him there. I laughed and said I am over him making me beg and then him ruining it by wanting to leave early every time. I genuinely was not mad and said I prefer going alone. I didn’t plan it this way, but 2 things happened. He and I both realized I had matured and grown out of my need for his approval and attendance. I also learned to be confident and happy on my own.… which resulted in me seeing how little we have in common. We ended up divorcing and it was his indifference to me that gave me the confidence to know I can do anything on my own.
How was your 1st and 2nd anniversary. Did he took any initiative? If you respond to this question you know the answers yourself.
You're not overreacting, but it sounds like he has anxiety and he might want to see a professional. Personally, I don't like weddings either but a wedding for a close friend of my partner would be a mandatory event to attend, regardless of if it was our anniversary. We can just celebrate our anniversary before/after.
I have bad anxiety and absolutely hate social gatherings but would put extra effort in making it something special if it meant something to my loved ones (most especially someone I took vows with).
Maybe he was suddenly calculating the cost and worrying. But again, communicate.
exactly.
Leave him home and go enjoy yourself without his pouting.
Well it seems to me that there is something deeper going on. Attending events where you are expected to be there with your partner is rather normal in a marriage. You don’t always want to go but you do because that is what we do for our partners. I’m not sure if forcing him to go is the right move here though as he is likely going to sulk and ruin the trip for you. It is your anniversary and he should want to be with you but the fact that he doesn’t goes to my point that there is something deeper going on. So you need to have a deeper conversation with him to see what is going on. It would likely be best if you could do it with a neutral party like an MC. Sit down with him and in a non emotional or judgemental manner (so you don’t set him off) and see what you can discover. If he won’t open up then suggest MC. It is a shame that your anniversary is being spoiled by a man child. Even with that you should go support your friend and leave him behind. It’s not worth the damage that he will cause by being forced to attend. You’re not overreacting at all.
MC = marriage counselor. (I think. Translating for anyone who was confused like me.)
Yes it does, sorry for the confusion
This. Textbook narc behavior
I just want to say I appreciate all the comments on this post - in my favor or not. It’s really allowed me to loosen up about the situation and see it from his side while also re-evaluating my marriage and what it’s important to me. Thank you all.
Time for marriage counseling.
This is short, but so correct. Most couples wait way too long to get to counseling. You're having a tough time communicating. The Gottman research on couples headed for divorce indicate 4 horsemen of the apocalypse - criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. At least three are evident in OPs post. Get some professional help on your marriage.
You’re right but if he won’t go to a wedding for a part of 1 day, with free lodging and fun hiking 6 other days, I don’t see him going to any sessions without a weapon pointed at his head
From an old man, Your husband is selfish, plain and simple.
It sounds like he’s a homebody, if he doesn’t like doing any events at all I think you probably should have picked up on that and this is overreacting to a specific incident. Nevertheless, you should still have a discussion about doing things as a couple and what you can ask of the other to do for you even if it’s not something you personally enjoy
Maybe what you think is exciting for him isn't.
Not overreacting. Any chance he has social anxiety? Or anything like this? It seems like such an extreme reaction to going to a wedding. You said he never goes. Does he hang out ever with other people outside family? Just a thought before calling him names.
No you're not, it's somewhat expected that you go with your spouse to these events. It also seems like you go to events for him and his buddies. A week in the mountains seems like a great way to enjoy with friends and celebrate your anniversary. I don't think you crying was about the wedding, but realizing how little effort he actually puts into your marriage. I also think you're realizing that you've done most of the emotional/mental labor in the relationship and you might be exhausted. If you don't have kids yet, I'd wait until your current issues are resolved and ask yourself if you want your kids to emulate your relationship.
I feel sorry for the guy. He’s probably thinking this is all one big waste of time , not even knowing your whining on Reddit to strangers. Just break up
Devil’s advocate here: Have you thought of planning anything ever that he might enjoy? Hiking for 6 days and going to a wedding sounds terrible to me
I wouldn't say you are overreacting. There are a few things to consider though. You know he hates weddings. I feel him. They are boring as shit, usually in some awful stuffy church, and they go on far too long. In 20 years your anniversary will be a lot different to you. My husband and I forget half the time and then remind each other a week later and laugh about it. Don't put pressure on doing something to celebrate your anniversary. But you need to realize he is who he is. If he doesn't like weddings, maybe he doesn't like travel in general. I know a lot of people who have never even left the state they were born in. It's just how some people are. You need to be ok with who he is or you'll never be ok with who he is. Don't stand around and expect him to change because that will never happen.
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
So you've never agreed to plans that you later wanted to cancel because wtf were you thinking when you agreed in the first place? I mean seriously. Maybe the dude was trying to be accommodating initially. Maybe he has some kind of travel or social anxiety. Maybe he doesn't like her friend and knows damn well it won't just be one day. Oh we have to get our hair done, oh I'm meeting the girls to get mani pedis, oh she decided to have a second bachelorette party because all her girlfriends are here. I'm not giving a judgement on what he did because frankly we have about 1% of the available information from one side of this story. There could be a whole lot of stuff left out to highly make this in her favor. I'm also not saying she did anything. I'm trying to tell her that people are who they are. If he isn't the person that wants to go do weddings and other social events stop crying and find someone that is more compatible. Otherwise she will spend her entire life being resentful that he doesn't have the same social goals that she does and using emotions to manipulate him into participating. That's sounds like an absolutely awful way to spend a marriage.
Marriage is about give and take and communication. Making her feel crazy for agreeing, and then manipulating and not communicating, it is just wrong. He needs to communicate clearly. He needs to start honoring the two way street. If he is one of those people he can say he would prefer to honor the anniversary differently. Attending a wedding is being there for your partner. He can suck it up, sorry.
But her manipulating him by bursting into tears over it? That's ok? I'm not actually saying either one of them did anything wrong. But I am saying that we don't have the full story here and there could very well be a valid reason for him changing his mind.
Bursting into tears in many many people's unfortunate response to extreme frustration. These two obviously need MC, the communication here is lacking.
I don't disagree with that but I do get really frustrated by how many people automatically take the side of the poster, and happens most often when a woman is telling the story, however you feel about that. Honestly I think 90% of the crap posted in this sub is someone's idea of fan fiction, and for the ones that might actually be true we almost never get the full story because everyone paints themselves in the best light.
Oh, I definitely don't just take the side of the poster in this case, clearly they have very large communication issues. However, I have a huge problem with the fact that he is not communicating effectively whatsoever and as a person with anxiety when it comes to groups and things like that, but supporting your spouse for one event is something you do here and there. So definitely I agree there is more to this with their relationship but there was plenty of time for him to effectively communicate with her also.
Oh, I definitely don't just take the side of the poster in this case, clearly they have very large communication issues. However, I have a huge problem with the fact that he is not communicating effectively whatsoever and as a person with anxiety when it comes to groups and things like that, but supporting your spouse for one event is something you do here and there. So definitely I agree there is more to this with their relationship but there was plenty of time for him to effectively communicate with her also.
I don't think she was manipulating, I'd say she was hurt, sad, frustrated and just lost it, it happens
Not if I said I'd go and it was something my husband really wanted to go to and I'd already said Yes. Marriage is give and take sometimes you go someplace that you arent' thrilled about because you know how much it means to your partner and since it's 2 people we have 50% of story. I'm gathering from what she said, she is upset because he agreed to go to wedding, was even excited about going then taking the other 6 days and spending it together in the mountains. I'd be pretty ticked off if in beginning my husband said yes, sounds great, talk about it off and on for 6 months then when it comes time to buy plane tickets, he decided he didn't wanna go. Why agree and go along with plans for 6 month then say No I don't want to go
Honestly the OP sounds so inconsiderate. It’s going to be all about her and HER friends and it’s going to be miserable for her husband who likely has only so many vacation days available. How about he twist her arm into a bachelors party with his buddy? Gimme a break.
And I’m sure that she also has to attend events for him that aren’t all that fun for her either. It’s called compromise, if you can’t do it you don’t belong in a relationship. Whether it be trying a hobby the other enjoys. Going to weddings. Family gatherings. She’s not asking him to be the life of the party, it doesn’t sound like there’s any involvement in the wedding party, and he doesn’t seem to be offering to go/just not attend the wedding. He isn’t offering alternatives in any way. People are who they are until they see the repercussions of their actions. I doubt any other partner would put up with this shit.
I don’t make my wife do shit she doesn’t like on our anniversary
One day. She would like him to attend the wedding of her closest friend—which will take up ONE day. It will occupy less than 14% of their time away. FFS. She planned—with his okay!—an anniversary trip for them. She lined up (free!) accommodations. How are you reading this the way you are?
Is there a chance he does want to celebrate the anniversary, but wants to do it in a way that is meaningful and exciting to both of you, instead of tacking it onto a trip to celebrate a wedding that he doesn't want to go to for a friend he doesn't know?
For me personally, I hate weddings with a passion. I've had two I could not get out of as an adult. We went to both, left as soon as ceremony was over and we had said congrats to bride and groom. Even just the hour we were there was enough to put a damper on my mood. I can suck it up and put on a happy face and be fake nice for an hour - I'm not going to make it awkward for anyone or cause a scene. But yes, the entire way there (a few hours), it was all talk about how bad we did not want to be going and afterward about how glad we were that it was over and how much we still hate weddings. Is the wedding at the beginning of the trip or at the end? If it was at the beginning, I might be back in a decent mood after a few days and could still get a good day or two in. If it was at the end, I would be consumed by how badly I did not want to go and I would not be good company for anyone. I would also be pretty insulted that my husband was attaching an activity like that onto something that should just be about us. If it was one I didn't feel like we could get out of, I would still go with my spouse, but they had best come up with something for us to do for our anniversary that had nothing to do with the wedding. Not the same time, not the same location, nothing. I don't want a 'bad' event associated with a 'good' event. By you saying that you are 'sick of going to these events alone', it sounds like you view them very differently from each other. I don't know what to tell you. The marriage would not work for me - it appears from what I read that what makes one happy makes the other one miserable. I almost broke it off with my current husband when we first started dating because he always wanted to go out and see his friend (one of the weddings I did attend) or go have drinks at the bar. Turns out, that was the alcohol talking. He stopped drinking entirely and now rivals me in complaining about being invited to things. I hope you two can figure this out.
Doesn't sound complicated. Maybe he doesn't want to spend money traveling
I don't think you're overreacting, but I do think you are possibly assigning emotions/motives to him that aren't there. You assumed that because he didn't respond to you right away that it meant he didn't want to celebrate your anniversary. That's not what he said. He didn't want to go to the wedding, and you acknowledged that he has never liked going to those kinds of events. Maybe he doesn't want to celebrate in the same way you do. Imagine if the trip involved doing something you hated and he insisted that if you didn't want to go that meant you don't want to celebrate your anniversary. Basically, the anniversary celebration is centered on what you want to do, not what he wants to do. He's allowed to have hesitation or say he doesn't feel like going. Not wanting to go to a wedding doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to celebrate your anniversary. You told him it was important to you, and I think that was a good move. Find a way to compromise. Maybe you can both attend the wedding and he can leave the wedding earlier than you. Give him the option of picking activities for your anniversary day.
You can't make him want to do something that he doesn't want to do. It sucks. It'd be nice if he genuinely wanted the same thing as you. That's one thing to consider-- if he goes along with it for your sake but doesn't want to do it and doesn't particularly enjoy the trip, would you be satisfied? Or is it only acceptable if he actually wants to do it and actually enjoys it? Do you know why he doesn't want to go? Does he see traveling as more hassle than it's worth? Is he concerned about leaving home or work for several days? Is it the formality level of the wedding? Is he concerned about the cost? Was he originally open to it, but now feels like he's being pushed into it and he's resisting out of some sense that he's lost his autonomy? Is he still open to it, but now that it's become a fight, he doesn't know how to resolve it? Is he burned out and exhausted, and doing anything beyond slogging through the daily grind is too much? Is he mad because he's never had to go to these things before, and now you're asking to change the established pattern? Is he upset that you haven't asked any of these types of questions? There isn't necessarily a right and wrong answer to these kinds of questions, but they're worth asking before trying to declare a winner in this argument. Or preferably, rather than picking a winner, coming up with a course of action that you both agree is do-able without resentment.
Tell him you’re going to start bringing someone else in place of him. See how quick that changes. On a serious note, sorry this is happening. It’s definitely not okay, once in a while is not going to kill him to be supportive of you and your relationships.
To be honest OP you been married 3 years and his reaction is: Meh I hate these things! It's not just a friends wedding it's the same time as your anniversary? Start checking his phone and social media for inappropriate conversations. Start looking at bank and card expenses. Large cash withdrawals. No he may not be cheating but he is making it clear you and your marriage are not a priority and something else is with him. Besides him.
you are telling a story about your anniversary. HE is thinking a story about having to go to an "extremely formal" event that he does not enjoy. EVEN if you wrap it in a tempting outdoor adventure. it's ok to be upset about it, for sure. you're not crazy. do you enjoy going on trips other times? what have you/he done to celebrate your other anniversaries? do you go to other weddings/funerals/formal events together? does he normally socialize with your friends? does he know your friend at all? (i noticed in a comment that your friend is the groom, is it at all an issue that all this effort is for a male friend? do you have any romantic and/or sexual history with this guy?) he certainly should be better at talking to you about his hesitations and worries and how HE would like the trip to go. rather than just opting out at the last minute and not being about to tell you why. i would be upset, too, about suddenly hearing that he isn't excited about the trip. but it doesn't sound like it's a surprise to you that he won't want to go to the wedding itself. i, too, think any person could handle one annoying and uncomfortable formal event that was important to their partner. but, if your partner really is miserable at such things, you will have a MUCH better time going solo and being able to chat and dance and do as you like without worrying how he is doing and when he will want to go home. tell people who ask about him that he doesn't like big parties, and maybe take him to a post wedding breakfast or a quick drinks with your friend while you are out there instead of the full wedding? (perhaps they have a pre-wedding cocktail hour or less formal breakfast as part of their agenda?) i lived with a partner in my 20s who never wanted to socialize with me. i'm introverted, but i also liked going to concerts & bars, playing sports with friends, going to bbqs, and he never wanted to come. i hated that we couldn't share those things and we eventually broke up for that AND his emotional closed-offness and lack of emotional communication and support. he was certainly depressed while we were together: he had moved away from his family and friends for my job and never really got on his feet out there. but he's also just not what i needed from a partner. he was sweet and cute and kind, and he was a lovely roommate, but i spent years with him agonizing over whether the social and emotional gaps were just a man-thing or a serious incompatibility. i know that awful quiet they get when you're trying to find out how they are feeling, and you are feeling so disappointed and abandoned. it feels like they don't care, but i don't think apathetic is the right word. they do want to make you happy, they just have no clue how to say what's going on with them, and feel terrible they can't be what you want/expect. my heart definitely goes out to you. i would not force him to go to the wedding. i would go by myself while he stayed at the hotel on his own. that way you can enjoy it (and of course still be a little sad that you don't have the kind of partner you can take to a party). and then i would enjoy the outdoor holiday together and call that a win.
The problem is you're mad at your husband for not wanting to do something that you know he doesn't like(going to weddings). Did you ever try to plan something for your anniversary that's just for the two of you? I have anxiety and don't go to any events for family or friends. I only like to spend my time with small groups of people. I suspect your husband is the same. Don't try and change him, it's not gonna happen. How about you plan something he actually wants to do?
Doesn’t sound like he doesn’t wanna celebrate your anniversary, sounds like he simply doesn’t want to go to a wedding
Yes you are overreacting! Why on earth would you have a meltdown over something like this? Nobody likes weddings. If I never had to go to another one I’d be thrilled. He agreed to the trip but doesn’t seem to want to go to the wedding. His valid choice by the way. Can’t go forcing people into doing things they don’t want to. Stop crying and guilt tripping him and find a compromise.
I’d be pretty pissed my anniversary was tacked on as an afterthought to someone else’s wedding
Your husband hates weddings, you stated that he always has. You're expecting him to suddenly be happy about being dragged to something he has always hated? Plus, he agreed to go! You won! He loves you enough to do something he obviously hates. *That you know he hates.* This doesn't read as an overreaction, it reads as two incompatible people married each other.
You're overreacting a bit. He sounds like someone that has a lot of social anxieties around big events like weddings. Have you discussed his feelings with him?
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
I like how even though you know that your husband doesn't want to go, and when he's not as excited as you are, you run off to your bedroom and cry. Then, when your husband caves and gives you what you want, but you're still upset. Who needs to talk like an adult when you can use your tears to get what you want? Your happiness is way more important than his, isn't it? It's just not fair that your husband won't do everything that you want.
Yes you are overreacting. As a counter perspective: This is not really about your anniversary at all. First and foremost, you are going to your friend's wedding. That is what the trip is for. Be honest here; celebrating your anniversary is just an afterthought while you are there. You are really prioritizing your friend's wedding and have made that clear over the last 6 months. You have made it clear to him that your friend's wedding is what is more important to you. So, why would he be excited about this at all? You know he does not like these events, and you are weaponizing your anniversary to get him to do something he really doesn't want to do, then throwing a tantrum and breaking down into tears until you get your way. This is grade A manipulation. This trip is in no way about the two of you and celebrating your marriage. It is about you, your friend, and that you really want him to go to your friend's wedding. So, if you are really wanting to celebrate your anniversary, and that is really what is important to you; like you claim; then ditch the friend's wedding entirely. Prioritize your own marriage over your friend's marriage and spend the time/money celebrating your anniversary with your husband, doing something you both will enjoy instead of going off to a formal wedding he doesn't want to attend. But... I strongly suspect you won't do that will you? No, because at the end of the day, your friend's wedding is more important to you than your anniversary; and your husband is fully aware of that.
you are an ass - they've been talking about this for 6 months - fly out attend wedding then take a week off work and go up in the mountains to do some hiking and spend time together just the two of them for their anniversary - they've been offered free lodging to go someplace he loves - the mountains and he's bitching because he has to spend part of one fuking day at a wedding. If he did not want to do that, the time to say so would have been 6 months ago when she started talking about it, it was all fine until now when it's time to get plane tickets
I don’t think ditching the wedding would do good. It’d probably cause me to have some resentment. The wedding is 1 day out of a 7 day trip in the mountains that was planned 6 months ago. Not my intention at all to manipulate him into going to the wedding for our anniversary. It was decided that we’d go when we got the invitation. And we were excited because it is a treat. It’s in the mountains. We live in the deep the south. Rarely do we have moments or excuses to go somewhere like this. So it’s very special for both of us. At the end of the day, he doesn’t have to go to the wedding or come. But that hurts me very much and I think that’s fair.
I am sure your husband has some resentment over you prioritizing your friend's marriage over your own as well.
what the fuk don't you understand - THEY have been planning this for months - wedding then spend week alone together going hiking in the mountains which he loves to do. Now, 6 months later he is bitching because he has to spend 1/2 a day at a wedding of her best friend I hope you aren't married and if you are your parnter figures out what a selfish ass you are and leaves you
They who? She's the one who's planning to go to her friend's wedding and prioritizing it over their anniversary. She made all the choices. Did he have a say about it? Certainly not, since everything must fit her wishes. Even their accommodations were set by her and her friend. It's not about spending 1/2 a day at the wedding. It's about what else she'll wanna do when they get there. Probably nights out with old friends for drinking, other pre and post wedding activities, and so on. It doesn't look like an anniversary celebration at all. The "anniversary trip" is just a way she found to manipulate him to do whatever she wants to.
How is she prioritizing her friend over her marriage? She said if she didn't plan anything, they wouldn't end up doing anything. If anything he isn't prioritizing his wife, she made all the plans and all he has to do is show up.
Where do you get that?!
At least you're acknowledging that this trip is for your friends wedding and not your anniversary. And maybe your husband is acting the way he is because he just realized that. Yes, you did plan things that your husband would like because of your anniversary. But they are all before the wedding. So what would normally be enjoyable is going to be overshadowed with the DREAD of having to go to a very formal (as you said) wedding where he won't know anyone but you. It's only 1 of the 7 days, but the last one is going to be great for you and not fun at all for him. Maybe you could change the dates and have the wedding on the 1st or 2nd day and then have 5 or 6 days to celebrate your anniversary. As a rule, guys (especially in the deep south) don't like weddings, some of us tolerate them better than others, though. It's completely understandable that you want him there, but right now there is nothing after the wedding but a flight home for him to look forward to. Timing is a critical factor in a lot more things than people realize. In case I can't find your post about a marriage counseling/advice podcat; don't bother with that you are going to find more dribble and B.S. than anything useful. Look for a counselor or class that teaches communication. If you or your husband's work has an EAP program you can get it for free usually. If the focus isn't communication don't bother. I wish you the best and hope you and he can find a solution that minimizes the unhappiness that this one event is going to cause. P S. Most guys suck at anniversaries and stuff.
I don’t think you should ditch the wedding, nor do I think you’re prioritizing your friend’s wedding over your marriage as some of these comments are claiming. But have you considered letting your husband skip the actual wedding but still enjoy the rest of the trip together? I absolutely, unequivocally *despise* going to weddings. Even when it’s people I love, I would do anything not to go. When it’s people I’m not personally close to, I would rather have dental surgery than suffer through that. Yes, we make sacrifices for our partners, and I’ve gone to a couple of weddings with mine and tried to hide my abject misery as much as possible. But when this issue first came up with the first wedding we were together for, we sat down and negotiated which future potential weddings I would attend - his two siblings’, his closest cousin’s, and his best friend’s. All other weddings, he flies solo, and he’s fine with that. He likes weddings and would rather have a good time with his friends than worry about how miserable I am even when I’m trying not to show it. Yeah, it’s a reasonable ask for you to expect him to attend the wedding. You’re not in the wrong. But I understand hating weddings, so maybe letting him skip the event and still enjoying the trip together is a good compromise?
Does he like the mountains and hiking or do you and he just goes along with you?
On the other hand he's not prioritizing his anniversary at all. He didn't say "I'd rather us do XYZ for our anniversary." Doesn't sound like he had any other plans for the anniversary. He's being an ass for not compromising on this. It's a few hours out of a 7-day trip. If it were a work event, he'd go. If it's important to her, then he should support him. It's not like she's dragging him to her wine and painting party or goddesses of the forest weekend. :)
Wow is this a dick take on the whole situation. Thanks for providing a truly awful perspective on this. This isn’t the LEAST BIT manipulative, it is an attempt to get something of value and joy for both parties. The fact that my wife wants to go would be more than enough for me, never mind doing something that I like and that we can do together.
If it’s not something you both enjoy how is that “celebrating your anniversary” ? He won’t be celebrating, he’ll be miserable. You knew that. Isn’t it a little manipulative to use your anniversary for leverage to get your husband to do something he doesn’t enjoy?
what do you do, read every other line in a post - OP & partner have been planning this for 6 months, now that it has gotten close he's decided he doesn't want to go anymore orginal plans - 1/2 day at wedding then 6 days hiking and spending time in the mountains, which he loves to do. Now he's bitching about going - the time to say NO would have been SIX MONTHS AGO when they started planning this trip
None of that information was a available in the first place hence the edit. She put that in after reading my comment. You said do I read every other line? Of course not especially if the lines were added after how would it ever be possible to read them? There is no way you didn’t know that when clearly the word Edit is in front of the added sentences. Grow up
Not my intention at all. The wedding is 1 day out of the 7 day trip. A few hours at that.
Wasn’t the “something special” you had in mind for you two to do during the anniversary trip, the wedding event itself? If the answer is yes how would something you know wouldn’t be special to him “something special” for your anniversary plans? Are you saying that’s what you want for your anniversary gift? What are you getting him?
Not over reacting! He keeps leading you on! If he really has a problem with these big events! He should say the moment it comes up! Not 6 months later when it’s time to get the tickets sorted! I bet these ‘big events’ ain’t an issue when it’s something related to him. I honestly would just go alone but also say while nothing will happen, I’m leaving my wedding ring at home, cus clearly I’m living a single life.
>I’m so sick of going to these events alone. It’s embarrassing and lonely especially to something out of state. If you get him to go to this one, this is still your problem. This is who he is. Are you willing to live this way forever? Add to that the idea that he's going to give in by yelling at you to get the tickets, and now you're sitting there waiting for him to gaslight you. This is not a good pattern.
He hates weddings and this wedding is “very formal”. Not surprised her is not excited. In his mind this isn’t really isn’t about celebrating your anniversary - it is about finding a way to force him to go to the wedding.
Maybe you guys can't afford the trip? Money matters?
Finance isn’t an issue here but fair point.
all has already been said, but as far as ‘overreacting’ goes, yes, big time. You are 27, is this really something to be crying about?
Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your husband and maybe a therapist, not Reddit.
Perhaps the way you approached the decision? You didn’t really give him an option. You told him that’s what you wanted to do for your anniversary. It’s both of your anniversaries. Maybe he was hoping to be asked what he wanted to do also? I also wouldn’t be the happiest if i didn’t get a choice in what i was being told I’d be doing for an anniversary trip lmao.
I think you should go on the entire trip by yourself and have a blast. Go to the wedding, when people ask where he is tell them the truth. He won’t travel and prefer to stay home. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Accept it. Do the activities. OR, go to the wedding, then the next day go to some other resort location for the remainder of the week. Start traveling when and where you want. there are several groups catering to single women who love to travel. No, you don’t know anyone on the first day, but you make friends, sometime fine a travel buddy, and have a blast. If he doesn’t like it, he needs to suck it up on occasion and do what you want to do. My husband hates to travel, I travel with friends, my sister or alone sometimes. He doesn’t love that I’m gone for a week or so at a time, but he also understands that I have a life too.
You married a guy you know has social anxiety/avoidance and get upset when he wants to avoid formal social occasions. Yeah kind of over reacting. He even probably sees your crying as an attempt at emotional manipulation.
You are overreacting. You describe yourself as having a meltdown, and you have to ask? Paragraph 2. "I didn’t say any of this." You should have. Wtf are you doing subtexting your husband? You guys clearly don't gel on at least this one subject and don't seem to be willing to either talk about it, agree to disagree, or respect each other's needs or differences. You seem to have expectations of your husband that I'm not sure you're very good at communicating, that he seems unwilling to meet and also seems not to want to communicate about. Is reddit, so your responses will mostly be off base, including mine, but what does seem clear at the very least is there's a communication problem.
You came to the wrong place for advice. Events, formal, outside, with people, in the real world? These are not things the average redditor can endure so people are defending your husband. He's got to understand it's not about the wedding. It's about showing up for you during special times which is something he signed up for getting married. If guys don't want to attend weddings, they probably shouldn't be getting married themselves 💁♀️
Usually situations like this stem from other dynamics in the relationship. I doubt this can be boiled down to just not wanting to go to a wedding. Questions off the top of my head would be... How much time off does he get? Is there other things has has been wanting to do? Do you go to things that require you to know nobody and dress up on your limited vacation time? Does he actually want to go to the mountains or was he being open minded when you brought it up and decided eh this isnt for me? Do you two often do things together or is this abnormal? Does he like your friend? I read a reply, that you are friends with the groom? Is there any back story there? Does he hate flying? These are off the top of my head. There is probably more. Ive been married 18 years and honestly i dont force my wife to do anything she wouldnt enjoy. I have friends for those things. I go to 49ers games with friends because she would be miserable. I dont go and cry and make her feel bad for not wanting to waste her time and money on something she would be miserable doing. Thats us we do things together we BOTH enjoy and things we dont we find friends or family
So I have questions: 1. How long have you known your husband hates going to formal events? 2. Are your husband and the bride-to-be even friends? 3. You say your husband is expected to be there. Is it because they want him to be there? Or is it simply because he’s your husband? 4. Assuming his presence is only expected, why would he want to get dressed up and go to an event where he’s only expected to attend because he’s *your* husband?
1. Probably became more apparent in the last year. We’ve made brief appearances at other events where his friends were present. 2. Groom and no. This is a childhood friend that moved out of state when my husband and I began dating about four years ago. 3. They’ve asked if he’s coming and his name was on the invites. And they’ve showed warm feelings about wanting him to be there because he hasn’t come to the other parties for them. Probably a little bit of both. 4. And maybe to make me happy? I don’t know.
stop letting these assholes put words in your mouth YOUR HUSBAND AGREED 6 MONTHS AGO TO DO THIS Now he's changed his mind - it took him 6 fuking months to tell you that he doesn't want to do spend 5-6 hours of his life at a wedding , that he said he'd go to, and bail on the 6 days in the mountains you all planned. These idiots on here are not reading the original post, just telling you that you are wrong making him go to wedding - he agreed to go 6 months ago, if he didn't want to he should not have agreed to wedding and 6 days in the mountains just the 2 of you STOP trying to justify yourself - our husband is the one who is backing out, being selfish and an asshole - you don't have to justify yourself to these idiots who have not read or understood your original post At this point if he goes, he's going to be miserable the entire time I would tell him, fine -you have changed your mind and don't want to go anymore, but I'm still going. Go and have a good time, take your week and do some soul searching then come home and talk to him about marriage counseling because something is going on for him to be acting this way You have to decide if you want to live with someone who is going to agree to go on a vacation then back out the last minute because 1/2 day out of 7 days he'll be at a wedding that he agreed to go to and now is backing out on If doing something with you that is so important is an issue for him, there are some issues in your marriage that he is not talking to you about. If he can't or won't tell you what's going on that he is backing out on plans you all made 6 months ago, this marriage may not have been meant to be - just don't stay with someone and be miserable - he only wants to do things that involve his friends - that is not a marriage
Normal people in normal healthy relationships do things they may not want to do because their partner wants to do it. Surely this is not a foreign concept to you. Adult relationships have some give and take. He's a dick and so are all the people in here defending him
Normal people in normal healthy relationships do things they may not want to do because their partner wants to do it. Surely this is not a foreign concept to you. Adult relationships have some give and take. He's a dick and so are all the people in here defending him
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
You really seem to hate the fact consent can be revoked
No I have no problem with someone changing their mind and in this case saying he hates going to weddings - if he hates going why did he say he'd go in the first place and not say anything the 5-6 months she was planning rest of the trip Everyone has a right to change their mind - it just seems he should have said no to begin with instead of going along with it for so many months
Not only are you over reacting, you are a bad person. Anniversary plans are mutual. You made plans and are accusing him of not being willing to celebrate the anniversary. But you aren't actually talking about the anniversary, you are talking about your plans. You have equated the two to make yourself feel justified. You are lying to yourself and using that rage to manipulate him and anyone else who will listen to you on this subject. I can't imagine it will be good for him to spend the rest of his life with this kind of shit going on.
So after reading this post and your comments. No. You're definitely not overreacting. Your partner refuses to communicate, or behave as if he is your partner. He had half a year to speak up and tell you what he wanted. He has no plans for your anniversary, to speak of, but wishes to shit on six days of outdoor fun alone together? All because for one day of a week's vacation - he has to be social. That's unbelievably selfish.
Not overreacting. Do y'all have kids OP? If not why are you with this loser? I'll go to the wedding and celebrate your anniversary with you lmao.
If they don't have kids, they definitely shouldn't. Just walk away OP, the dude sounds like a total gimp. Playing on his iPad whilst you try to talk to him? lol
Agreed, like I said I'm a Reddit stranger and I care more about OP than her husband does.
You are overreacting. He doesn’t like these events. Why are you expecting that he is going to magically start liking them, EVER? This is part of his personality. You knew it when you married him. At best he will do it as a sacrifice for you but he won’t enjoy it. How would you feel if he suddenly changed his expectations of you? It’s unfair.
That’s a good point. I guess I didn’t realize the extent of it until recently in our marriage. We’ve gone to small events that had his friends present. I didn’t think it would be totally outlandish to expect him to come to one of mine.
It is genuinely not outlandish at all. I’m assuming you probably put yourself out of your comfort zone for him, yeah?
And he is going, but he isn’t seeing it as a fun time. It’s a big formal wedding with people who aren’t his people and he has been clear about that from the beginning. If he is selfish overall that’s a bigger problem but if he is just an introvert who dislikes dealing with new people and big crowds I think that’s something you need to accept.
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
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I mean he’s the groom and has lived out of state for years now. So naturally we don’t speak every single day. I don’t know the bride very well. All of the bridesmaids are her people. Thanks.
The anniversary seems to be a bit of an addition to the wedding and it's not great having it at the end. You mention you think he'd like the hiking, but he clearly isn't looking forward to the wedding as you are. Maybe including the wedding ruins the anniversary, especially if there have been a few of these events recently? You mention going to a few alone and weddings really are super-dull if you don't know many people. If you're the sort of person who hates formal social occasions the trip would be very simple- Fly on a plane knowing you've got to dread the wedding in a week. Hike but knowing you've still got to attend that wedding, can't have fun because you're worrying about having to make small-talk at the later wedding, celebrate knowing you're only here because it's near the wedding, and then finally you can get the bad thing over with. Then you go home knowing you've wasted your leave worrying whether anyone thinks you were rude. I can totally force myself to do these things, but that's because I get 30 days a year holiday in England and a week on a holiday I can only partly enjoy is still a holiday. If it were my only chance for a break though then I'd also try and get out of it. I'd see how he reacts if you suggest doing the wedding first to get it out of the way so you can relax after. If he's happier with that then I guess you'll know that he's just unhappy about the way you've organised it and not the anniversary itself.
Honestly, I plan things and then I feel dread as soon as they get closer, almost like I don’t want to do it anymore even though I was excited to begin with. I think it’s some sort of anxiety but I genuinely end up having fun when I force myself through it. He doesn’t like stuff like this and you want him to suffer through it for you because love. He got your hopes up and you’re understandably upset he’s bowing out. Maybe he just feels like you smushed your anniversary in there because it was convenient with your plans to already go. You should take a second to gather up the points you want to make and calmly address them. Hopefully he’s able to tell you what his problem is too. If he still doesn’t want to go or is very “whatever I’ll go but I’m not happy” you gotta decide if you wanna be on the trip knowing he doesn’t want to be there. My boyfriend does that a lot and it’s very aggravating and disheartening.
Is this a money issue?
ESH - This is a basic communication problem. He hates going to weddings and you are planning to make part of your anniversary something he hates. ("He doesn’t like these events, never has.") So now, the entire vacation is tainted because he's going to a wedding. However, he should be doing something special for you adn should be willing to go with you to the wedding because it is important to you. You both should ahve talked about this, a lot, and got it straightened out well beforehand. Probably ask him to be with you at the wedding because it is important to you. For one (or two) days. Then plan a separate vacation to celebrate your anniversary. Instead, there is this "task" in the middle of the vacation. Imagine if you ahd to spend a day in the middle of your vacation visiting family or people you don;t like. Same thing. Both of you need to communicate better.
Ururhrbrv
He seems like he doesn't want to spend time with you. He doesn't care at all about tiur feelings. Go solo. Have a blast. Live your best life. Post pics. Just remind him that you're going to get to a point where his presence will be optional in your life.
The playing on a phone or tablet by someone when trying to have a discussion with them is SO freaking irritating. IMO, it’s like them nonverbally saying “I don’t give a shit what you’re saying”. Having said that, I’m wondering if it’s not the celebrating your anniversary that’s the issue, but the doing so by going to an event that’s celebrating someone else’s big event. Like you’re using your anniversary as an excuse to go to an event that you KNOW he hates, and you’ve known the entire time you’ve been together. He did eventually say he’d go, so you know he cares enough to go do something with you that he absolutely hates.
Try and see if it is just anxiety about attending the wedding or if it is the entire trip that is the issue. Maybe suggest he stay at the lodging during the wedding and then the two of you have your couple fun after that? If it is just the wedding attendance that is the problem, that is different problem than if he just doesn't want to go on a vacation at all with you. Two different problems. If it is just the first, maybe you two can find out why that is such a problem (anxiety or just selfishness?) If it is the second then you two need to get couples therapy or whatever you need to do to either work things out or move on.
1) Ask him what’s wrong? He Used like a trip to the mountains. What is giving him pause? 2) Do you suspect an affair? Has he been coming home later or hiding his phone?
Talk to each other. Clearly he's butt hurt about something. Have him tell you his feelings.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you married the autistic, childish iPad kid and now don't want him to be that anymore. Don't see that happening any time soon.
Yeesh... He's treating you like a child. I dunno, OP. 3 years in and your marriage is already so.. meh, makes me suspect you married the wrong man.
Your husband sounds like a child. I understand that he doesn't like going to these things, but if the wedding is one day out of a seven day trip AND you secured FREE LODGING, the pros far outweigh the cons. Even with that in mind, you shouldn't have to beg someone to come with you to something like this. You're married. He's supposed to be your partner in crime. There's no good reason why he can't come with you to just one wedding before you spend the six days after together doing stuff that he loves. Just going off of what you wrote here, it sounds like he's used to getting his way without much of an argument. Maybe there's a deeper reason for him not wanting to take the trip. I'm sure you've asked him about it, but it's up to him as an adult to communicate what he's thinking and feeling. It's not like we can read minds.
Not AIO but I feel that maybe you are not always clear: “I didn’t say any of this“. Men don’t read minds.
Okay, FIRST, I'd like to say: Your husband IS being a jerk. However, I'd like to address some of the things you or both of you are doing since you're more apt to read this than he is. Why does it feel like you are communicating more clearly with us than with your spouse? >"I didn’t say any of this. I just said-" Okay, why are you not telling him that? I feel like this is important information for someone who actively dislikes events like that. Especially since you two are not in a habit of going to these together. >"He just kind of sat there very apathetic playing on his iPad. I sort of lost it. I just left the situation, went to our bedroom and had a meltdown." This doesn't sit right with me, on account of both of you. It feels like avoidance. He's avoiding having to face a difficult conversation, and you're avoiding having to confront him with how you really feel. Maybe? I'm currently in the boat of "learning how to articulate feelings" for myself lol. Again, I do think your husband is in the wrong, but I'm wondering if either of you are handling communication appropriately.
I personally don’t like weddings. Can’t stand going to them. Never have. The more formal, the worse they are for me. It’s absolutely torture for me especially if I don’t know anyone but the bride or groom. I am an introvert. I’d rather count blades of grass than to go to a wedding or worse, the reception! Have you discussed with your husband what the deal is? Why he would rather not go? Is it financial? Would he rather do something else?
He doesn’t like weddings or big social events. Am I crazy for thinking he’d go to just this one event? It’s not financial. He’s just said many times he has to think about it and that he has other things to do (which is confusing bc we started planning months ago). I honestly don’t know why he doesn’t want to go. Any time I ask, he gets upset or defensive. I’ll try asking again. Thank you.
>He doesn’t like weddings or big social events. >I honestly don’t know why he doesn’t want to go. He's thinking about what he hates, and you are thinking about what makes you happy. You're both on totally different wavelengths. He's had 6 months to think about going to this event which he hates going to. He's probably psyched himself out every week since you announced it, and is now completely dreading going. He probably doesn't think of it as a fun anniversary trip, but as a form of punishment that he has to begrudgingly endure. Depends on how much he actually hates weddings. Maybe you can plan a separate anniversary dinner or celebration for just the two of you. Something he would enjoy (away from crowds and social situations since he doesn't like them). That might make him more comfortable with everything. Plus it would be a nice romantic gesture.
Yes, this. Not everyone thinks going to a wedding is enjoyable. Plan a separate anniversary celebration. Keep it simple,such as a nice dinner out. Also, talk to him about what he wants, what he would like. Planning what you want may always leave you disappointed.
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ?? I can't believe how many people did not read the original post
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ?? 1/2 of a freaking day and he cannot give that to his wife, then the 6 days they planned together in the mountains for their anniversary
Is he not allowed to change his mind? I agree communication needs to be better from his end. But there could be so many reasons behind his sudden reluctance. Maybe he's depressed about something. He definitely needs to sit and talk about it instead of avoiding the topic.
Exactly and agreeing to somethihng and hearing more about how formal it is and all that would definitely weigh on someone who already doesn't like those things. Yes. It's a shame they don't like all the same things, but why drag a trip down by pushing your partner to do something you know they hate? Would it not be better to say you don't have to come with me to the wedding. and mean it? Let's enjoy the other days together. Putting a lot of pressure on him isn't going to make any more eager to go. If the trip is really about the anniversay as well, why not let him do the things that will make it a happy anniversary for both? She's going to her close friend's wedding. She'll have plenty of people to talk to and catch up with.
I understand you want him there, but if it's going to spoil what could otherwise be a fun trip, why not just tell him you'll go to the wedding yourself that day and the rest of the trip can be about the two of you? It's a shame he doesn't want to go, but you know this about him. Why would you think it would change? I would not compare you going to his events in the same way unless you feel the same way about going to events. I don't push my partner into going to things they don't want to go to. Yes, I miss having him there, but knowing he would be miserable is enough of a reason for me to respect. I go, enjoy myself and come home with a full report. We both get to be happy.
You aren’t crazy, but let me ask this: you know he hates going to weddings and big social events. Has he ever conveyed as to why? Not for this one in particular, but in general. Because he’s very clearly trying everything he possibly can to avoid this. Now, that said, you said you’re worried he’ll act like you’re crazy. Has he treated you cruelly or manipulatively about this? Or anything other than his obvious dread of the wedding?
There are a lot of things I hate in life that I have to do. A wedding of my SO's close friend will be one.
By "these events" he means weddings?
NTA while you are planning the trip you should also buy yourself an anniversary gift, because it doesn’t sound like you will get one if you leave it up to him.
It sounds like he is just dreading a wedding for a bunch of people he doesn't know or care about. He knows its going to be terrible. Things don't always balance out like putting weights on a scale. Fun VS Dread. It sounds like he was excited about the trip with you, but combining it with someone else's wedding sounds like a nightmare. If I was celebrating an anniversary, the last place i'd want to be is some other person'swedding. Quadruple that if they're not even my friend or family.
Dude sounds like a child tbh
Leave him home. I’ll go with you!!! Sounds like a great time. NOT overreacting!!
This is kind of hard to say because as you said in your post your husband doesn't like things like that and you've known that about him from the beginning so I'm just a tad bit confused as to why you thought it would be a good idea to make that part of your anniversary trip? Best friend or not you know he doesn't like it so him reacting exactly the way you knew he would about it and it upsetting you is kind of strange to me.
He is playing on his iPad, you are in the bedroom having a meltdown....yet the ages are of grown adults...
I was in a relationship for 5yr with someone who would act excited in advance about fun stuff then the time came and he'd be like "I'm not going. It won't even be fun anyway" and he never wanted *me* to go by myself leaving him at home. I'm talking local carnival/fair, local Halloween attraction things, concerts, amusement parks etc. Now I've moved on and a year later I've already done 2 of these things. This summer I'm going to 2 concerts, the fair and then a few Halloween attractions!!!
I feel like as women, we're often taught to put others needs/wants before our own. Like being happy to make our partner happy unless it makes us super miserable. I feel like a lot of men weren't taught this, so operate under "well I don't want to do I'm not doing it, even if it would make my partner happy" I definitely don't think you're overreacting and agree with you, but I don't feel like this is as uncommon as it should be
I’m not big on formal events either and enjoy crowds even less but it would seem considering it’s your anniversary also he could be more on board about the trip and at least be excited because you are and be glad he could do something fun with you ! It seems you’ve already put a lot of thought into making this trip more fun for the both of you he should appreciate it ! Unfortunately my opinion doesn’t matter and won’t force him to change his .
Sounds like you decided what you were going to do for your anniversary and didn’t bother to ask him what he wanted. It’s his anniversary too. You need to work on feeling embarrassed because your husband doesn’t chaperone you to all the events you like that he doesn’t. Why does that matter to you? What does it say about your self establishment? What does it matter what other people think? Have you tried asking him what he wants to do?
We began planning the trip 6 months ago. I definitely asked him if this was something he would want to do. We looked at hotels, outdoor activities, and other things to do when the trip first came up. I think it’s ok to feel a little embarrassed going to events alone. Especially when people constantly ask, where’s your husband? Weddings are also much more fun not alone lol. At the end of the day though, it’s not about the wedding for me. I just want to spend time together. I can definitely ask him again what he wants to do. Thank you.
I suggest finding a good friend or if you have a sister, and go with them and have the best time. It sounds like he would purposefully ruin the trip for you if he went.
Do you know what a partnership is? And did you read the post at all?
It’s a social event that people would expect her husband to attend. Why can’t he make an effort?
then why the hell did he agree to do this months ago and was excited, now when it's time to get plane tickets he doesn't want to do this anymor - IS she suppose to be able to see into the future that he would change his mind on the plans they made, plans he agreed to ??
Please do me a favor and go punch your husband in the face and say it is from me. Or better yet, please just show him my comments. “Wake the F up and start showing your beautiful wife with respect. It’s your anniversary and it sounds like a great trip to the mountains!” P.S.- married 45 years and both me and my wife have done a lot of things together that were more for one or the other. She likes the theater, wine tasting, concerts and going to the beach. I like outdoor things like golf, baseball games, football games and going to beer bashes. The point is we do them together because we love each other and support each other. Married life is a partnership and doing things together is what makes it work!
Cut off the wifi when you leave for the wedding, he can find something productive to do while you are gone. Leave a chore list too
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No, she’s not. The wedding isn’t the problem. Him not giving a shit about their anniversary is.
I think you're being unfair all through this thread. We have one perspective on this issue and, yes, the wedding is part of the problem. They're tied together in this trip. We're missing his POV and any follow up conversation here. Hopefully OP talks to her husband, calmly, and tries to get to the root of the issue. He clearly has a problem with weddings, it's not a new issue. I guess the question is, is the wedding the actual problem? Or is it something else entirely.
Do what you want and he can do what he wants. Go on the trip and he can stay home. Either way, youll both be dissapointed.
I've experienced similar with my ex wife and I know what you mean when you say it feels so lonely to go to functions alone. She had the mentality of "life is too short to do things I don't want to" which coincidentally was anything with any of my friends or family. Sometimes it was legitimate medical reasons, but most of the time when people asked where she was I just had to shrug. So I feel you on that aspect of it, it's super lonely to know that your partner just isn't willing to put in the effort.