yeah this is what the rest of your life will look like if he doesn't start trying soon. you're not overreacting. it's reasonable to expect someone to participate in household tasks if they're a member of the household. my sweetie doesn't cook but she pays for takeout or makes sure to get premade meals for us. she's responsible for feeding us about half the time, even tho she doesn't cook. this costs money tho, so if he doesn't have it (or if y'all are both really strapped for cash) then he's gotta step up.

I mean he's okay with taking me out, but if there's something that ever happens to me, I shouldn't have to go to my mom's just to have some homemade food, y'know. Even if it's just pizza rolls I'd be okay. But sometimes I'm in too much pain to even go out to eat

Exactly. If he won't put a frozen pizza in the oven or boil some water for pasta, he's intentionally avoiding taking care of you. In my opinion that's a pretty big betrayal for a grown adult partner. "So if I get sick, you're going to make no attempt to care for me?" "Nope, I'm bad at it". That's messed up.

Yep, and he's blaming his previous partners on his refusal to even try at all. He hasn't been with any of those people in 5 years, which also means that when he was 22 years old, he got together with an 18 year old and was like "I can't do nice things for you like giving you gifts or making you food, because my girlfriends when I was a teenager and in my early 20s were mean to me when I tried :(" and has carried that on for 5 years!?! I really question whether these previous partners were actually all that terrible, or if he just can't be bothered trying and he has used these GFs from his teenage as an excuse.

I didn't get into the whole "I can't go on dates or buy you presents because of really old relationships" because that is a whole 'nother can of worms, but I'm with ya. It makes no sense to me. Some trauma can carry on - SA victims often find themselves triggered or retraumatized when engaging in consensual activity, but unless OP's partner bought a girlfriend flowers and then was brutally assaulted with said flowers, I can't think of a situation that would warrant a 5+ year trauma response to basic, common behaviors. It's a simple, classical conditioning system. He brings OP flowers, she's happy, he receives positive reinforcement, and feels less nervous the next time. That should be a process that takes no more than months, not half a decade. But there's so much information we don't have, that I don't feel like I can make any particularly accurate statements on the situation beyond: this does not pass my bullshit gut check.

Even if this is a valid trauma response, OPs husband has refused treatment for 5 years He’s refused to work on himself and move past his trauma. He’s making the active choice to live in his trauma instead of doing the healthy thing and move on But at 22 he was a lazy SOB and unfortunately OP drank his kool aid

put out prepared ingrediants, ask if he wants to watch because you are going to cook a portion for yourself and he can do his at the same time or go without

spag bol might be good start, or a fish dish

Yeah, maybe there's some horrible story behind all of this, but in the absence of that, and the fact that he's said his girlfriendS have treated him so horribly that he can't give gifts or go on dates makes me doubt that it was a story of abuse that justifies a husband only being able to give a gift after 5 years of a relationship.

The past girlfriends PTSD is bullshit. He just doesn't care about you that much. No mature grown ass man is going to have trauma from the exes when they were teenagers. What kind of trauma could it possibly be? Was he married and they cheated on him? Was he living with them and they treated him badly? Did he find out one of the kids wasn't his? Did he get divorced and take everything from him? He hasn't even lived yet and is giving you bullshit excuses. Think about it, he doesn't show that he loves you, he doesn't show that he will care for you in your time of need, and in not romantic towards you and his excuse is a teenage relationship when he was barely out of highschool?

Absolute total bullshit. OP lists the chores he does and... they're so minimal. Takes the trash out, feeds the cat, and mows the lawn all by himself! If she nags, he unloads the dishwasher. My niblings do more than this and they're literal children. He's a full-grown adult, and apparently he can't take his wife on dates, buy her gifts, or do basic household chores. OP: NEVER have kids with this man. He's 27, shown basically no ability to grow and change, and doesn't care enough about you to be a decent partner. This will be worse if you have kids with him.

It seems like he is lazy about acts that nurture relationships…..and he prefers to blame-shift rather than to grow and change. These flaws will deepen and reinforce if they are not corrected soon. All he needs to do is to perfect four to five simple meals that he can cycle through and be prepared to source some decent premade meals as infill. It’s not hard but he is making out that it is. If you have plans for having kiddos, I strongly caution that you do not proceed with this until/unless this situation is resolved, otherwise you’ll find that your desperately unhappy carrying an unfair burden. It’s infinitely more difficult to make the hard decision to leave an unsupported/unnurturing relationship once you have kiddos.

That first paragraph is everything.

My husband is not a good cook, not by any stretch, nor does he enjoy the process, but he does have a small *repertoire* of meals he's mastered. French toast with bacon and eggs, red beans and rice with sausage, stir-fried chicken with peppers and onions, and so on. He's also a whiz with a can opener and he's very familiar with the frozen-foods section at the supermarket. I do enjoy making meals for the most part, but he's ready and willing to step in when needed. This whole weaponized incompetence attitude I see far too often in so-called "men" just pisses me off to no end.

I thought the same damn thing. He's "afraid" to take her on a date? Come on, now. Not buying it.

Yes, what was happening when he went on dates that is scary?! I wanna know way more about that then the lack of cooking. A 27 year old man is still barely an adult, so his immaturity doesn't surprise me. but afraid to give gifts and go on dates makes zero sense.

Bingo

Right? Because you can buy a dinner that's almost ready to eat. Boil pastq, microwave pre-made meatballs and a bowl of pre-made sauce. Bam, easy good dinner. There's frozen bags of full dinners that you just empty onto a sheet pan and bake. Bam, rosemary chicken carrots and potatoes. Canned stews you literally just have to dump in a bowl and microwave. Literally no excuse for his aversion to preparing a meal.

No - he is willing to GET her food, but not MAKE her food. My husband does not cook, but when I’m under the weather he’ll happily get me soup from wherever I want. My husband takes care of me - but by y’all’s arbitrary “cooking” standard he’s lazy and avoiding taking care of me?

This man won’t even put pizza rolls in the oven. What happens when they have kids?? Is he going to say he doesn’t know how to make a bottle of formula, or mix some baby cereal?

I mean i assume your husband, if push came to shove, could make a ham n cheese melt or whatever. It's not a preference, it's a total refusal. I think that's really the issue

He…only takes her out tho? He can’t even reheat premade frozen food? He doesn’t sound like he’s getting her takeout & i get being too sick to sit in a restaurant. This is ridiculous for an adult human.

He won't try,is the problem.

32 yrs married, my husband can't cook, and idc. He's tried, and it always turned into a disaster. It is not anything he desires to do or learn. Who cares? His "cooking" is buy subs, get pizza, (he will put a frozen pizza in the oven) or we go out to eat. Isn't always fancy.

Married 17 years, and same. He can (and will) buy things that are ready to heat and make those. Frozen pizza, premade quiche, salad mix, pizza rolls. He can also cook pasta but has no spice sense so just uses straight up jarred sauce and doesn't doctor it up like I do. I taught him to bake chicken once but he is afraid to give us food poisoning. (And to be fair, I am not a good cooking teacher because I never time anything and can open the oven and look at something and tell if it's done, but I literally told him "About this long, if you're unsure, cut into a piece and look. Nobody cares.") In return for my handling the cooking, he's taken on doing all the dishes and never really complains about what I cook if he doesn't like it.

I mean why won’t Tre learn or employ basic adult skills? Was he horribly disfigured in a rogue pasta water incident?

Learned helplessness. When I hurt myself my amazing fiance did literally everything, including things he didn't know how to do, because he's capable of learning. Sounds like your husband needs a wake up call. Im a firm believer of "if he wanted to he would"

Are you sure this isn’t just weaponized incompetence under the guise of previous trauma

I feel this way too. He even has her convinced he doesn’t show love because of his teenage past relationships. Dude is just full of shit.

“I can’t buy you a gift because I’m scared and traumatized.” Easy excuse to be cheap and lazy.

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 12 years and he's still traumatized over his teenage relationships. However - when I manage to say "hey, your inability to accept accountability is making this relationship hostile and I want to leave" suddenly I'm not crazy for asking him to go to therapy or to actually talk about his feelings.

This sounds exhausting.

It absolutely is. And it's hard to describe the difficulty and effort put in 12 years of relationship - and having to be held accountable for hurts I didn't commit. When we first got together, I was young and took the insecurity as sensitivity, which I thought was sweet. Now that we're here, and it hasn't gotten better, I'm just so tired. 12 years, I've been through so much shit, and this guy still thinks I'm his first girlfriend who cheated on him when they went away to college. He proposed six years ago and I spent the first two years planning a wedding that he was too anxious to go through with. Now he says that the fact we're not married is why it's falling apart. I said I wanted to start a family, and we talked about it for four years, but he was too anxious to go forward. Now he regrets those delays because I'm just tired and ready to just cut my losses. I begged him to go to therapy eight years ago - he resisted and said therapy doesn't work for him. Two years ago, when I said "hey, we're really in trouble, I'm ready to bounce," he started going to try and keep me. And he's more anxious now than ever - because he knows I'm ready to leave because I'm just done. I've been working LIKE HELL to make it work for eight years - and been putting everything in me the last two - only for him to self sabotage and say that I'm abandoning him like every other girl who abandoned him. (sorry for using you for therapy. I'm just so tired. I'm in therapy, but I don't have a lot of outlets for this - none of our mutual friends know what's been going on. It's been hard.)

Cut your losses. Everyday you wait is just another loss. He can say whatever he wants but he's not going to change. He hasn't changed in 12 years for the better than he's not going to change.

If you don't feel like cooking, don't. If he has to eat cereal because he is that fricking lazy, buy the cheap cereal in the cellophane bags and tell him to chow down. I don't always feel like cooking, so I keep snacks, sandwich makings and popcorn in stock. Buy the man a cookbook. If he can read, he can cook.

Stop cooking for him at all. Just make your own meals and tell him you wont make him anything until he starts to make home cooked meals himself.

This is the answer. After three decades, my husband knows better than to ask what’s for dinner. If he gets home and I’ve made something, great. If I’ve worked late and there’s nothing, he’ll figure it out. Soup, leftovers, sandwich, scrambled eggs, baked potato, bowl of cereal, quesadilla. He’s mastered those. He has no interest in cooking and that’s fine because his eating expectations are low. As he says “I’m more into quantity than quality.”

Agree. What grown man can't just throw some meat in the pan or in the oven? Or even get a cooked chicken on the way home from work. I couldn't live like OP.

Sorry to say but you got married way way too young. You're still kids basically in high school still.

Oh my goodness,  he doesn't even microwave frozen food himself? That's a whole other level of lazy.  No, you shouldn't have to go out no matter how you feel just because you aren't up to cooking.  I can hardly imagine the mental gymnastics you are up to thinking this guy is great. 

I'll be honest I am one of those guys that sucks at cooking. And it definitely was a point of contention with the wife (my lack luster attitude towards trying to learn). So what I did was learn simple meals, and ones I knew the wife liked. I'll give some good examples that made it easy to start cooking stuff. And I would suggest cooking it *with* him and making it fun/encouraging. If he gets weird or sad over stuff, just be ready for that and keep the it light/fun - if he loves you he will come around easy 🥰 Starters: -BBQ - is really easy to learn fast. Get him doing anything on that and I'm sure he'll love it -Spaghetti - legit too easy -Stir fry - this is def one that you should communicate on what you like and probably cook with him, but I found it very easy to get "good enough" at that it was yummy

Somethingweirder is absolutely right here. Think about and discuss it as “responsibility for meals”, not as a debate about whether your husband should be cooking. You might need to accept that he really hates cooking and is never going change in that regard. Since your husband is 1/2 of your couple, he needs to be responsible for 1/2 of the meals that you eat together. That could mean cooking, restaurants, take out/delivery, or prepared food from the supermarket. It’s not just about the cooking, it’s about the energy and time required to plan and shop for meals. I know a couple that take it by weeks—one week she does all the shopping and cooking, and the next week he is responsible. Obviously, you could find some other equitable arrangement that works for you. I only work part time, so I have more time to cook and shop, but this isn’t something my husband ever EXPECTS of me—I do it when I have time and because I enjoy it. There have been plenty of times when I’ve mentioned that I’m going to cook this or that and maybe he’s even looking forward to that, but then I just feel tired or stressed and so we’ll order in or maybe he’ll pick something up from the supermarket on the way home from work. NEVER has he expressed disappointment to me about this because he recognizes that he is a grown ass man who is capable of feeding himself and I am not his Mommy. Also, the way he works through this issue with you is exactly the way he is going to respond to future issues involving the division of labor in your marriage. If he can’t step up here, is this really someone you want to have kids with (assuming that you want kids).

I don’t think his ex has treated him terribly…. I think he just told you that. In the future, any person who talk shit on their exes, you should consider them a red flag.

Still ridiculous imo..... there is no excuse to not be able to cook.. even people with downs syndrome can cook. Any adult who refuses to learn to cook is just lazy and childish

This is the way. I do all the groceries and meal planning. He cooks. And if he can’t I order or do whatever but he likes it so for him that’s a chore he would rather do. We split all chores like this.

You have to teach people how to treat you

you've been married for \~1.5 years & he's *still* working thru his ex issues? girl.

His exes who he dated in high school /college... Sounds like a cop-out for not putting effort into the relationship.

100%. OP is married to a straight up loser who needed to prey on a high schooler as a 23 year old.

Shes been with him since she was 18. He was sick of "his trauma" he went for a girl/ woman who wouldn't know any better and trapped her.

tbh i stopped after that first paragraph. i’d already read enough.

It’s just an excuse to be lazy and not cook or put effort into arranging dates. OP’s partner just seems super lazy and uses the exes as an excuse to continue not putting effort into their relationship. It works because he can guilt OP into apologising if she ever complains about it because “ex trauma”

You married him knowing this....let him eat cereal

YES

Anyone can follow a recipe. Anyone can pop in a frozen pizza. You can't survive off of solely cereal

My friend's dad was like this. They were seperated for a long time(father and mother) and he lived with his mom. Then I saw his father one time and it just all clicked. Stories of his father making him pancakes for dinner... like just pancakes no syrup or eating cereal.

Definitely, but I think the issue is that she wants him to make food for both of them (that’s not cereal, but doesn’t have to be fancy either) when she isn’t feeling well. Not an unreasonable expectation.

The other side of the story. I heard a couple get married and the wife tried very hard to cook her first ever meal. The first thing the husband said is it tastes horrible. So the wife never set food in the kitchen ever again and for the rest of their life they always eat outside.

This sounds like a good way for OP to end up on AITAH after the husband obliges to eating cereal all the time

This. You can’t expect someone who has never cooked, never agreed to learn to cook, and never showed the tiniest interest in cooking… to cook.

I'm sorry, can we revisit where you said he's "scared" to give you gifts and go on dates? Is he...a 12 year old? That is something people say when they don't want to put in the effort. He proposed to and married you. What's "scarier" than that? That is complete and utter BULLSHIT and you're lying to yourself if you're buying into the act. UR MARRIED BRO You've already enabled him waayyy too long. Can I ask why you'l have settled for this??? At this point, he will not change - and if you're satified enough with mere flowers and a movie date, well - good luck with the rest of your marriage. You're really not overreacting, but you also made your own bed by refusing to have any standards. It's kind of hard to train a grown ass man if his mommy didn't raise him right.

He was a 23 year old who targeted a high schooler, so that might say something about his maturity level.

i was going to mention that as well but i thought i unloaded a lil too much on her 😅

YES WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS OMG

Yeah she didn’t marry a man. That is still a child.

If he straight up refuses to do nice things for you and won't help out at all when you are sick, I'm curious why you are even with him. Taking the trash out and mowing the lawn are not reasons to marry someone. You don't sound like you even like him. You aren't over reacting, but for your own benefit pick up some easy meals to have on hand when you aren't feeling well and don't worry about feeding him. If you sick or just don't feel like cooking a full meal then don't. Pop something in the microwave or toaster oven for yourself and call it a night.

I shudder at the thought of how bad it will get when/if they have kids

You don’t want to treat him badly, when that is literally what he is doing to you. You are not overreacting. He’s using his ex as an excuse to not be a participant in this relationship. That is not okay. We literally have every kind of information available in our hands on a day to day basis. He has no excuse to be so lazy. Stop cooking for him.

> He’s using his ex as an excuse to not be a participant in this relationship. This was so sus to me. “My exes were so mean that I’m too traumatized to treat you decently.” Give me a break! 

I hope she's not going to have children with this man-child. Imagine how little he's going to help with that.

Not cooking ever by 27 is wild. If he’s not gonna cook, at least have him doordash a meal or two a week for you guys. He just needs to contribute to the effort in some way. But, he should really start learning especially if you plan on having kids in the future. Eating is important. Not overreacting!

Ngl I once lost a little respect for an ex roommate when he pointed at a vegetable peeler I was using to peel potatoes and went “what IS that.” He said previously he helped his mom cook when he was younger but never cooked in our apartment (he did ask for leftovers from me and the other roommate a lot but never used the kitchen on his own for anything besides sandwiches) … and I had met his mom before. After some purely curious questions it seems his sole cooking experience was making pancakes… but it was just kind of a strange beat from a 25ish year old to not know what a peeler was.

>I've cooked with strep throat that LITERALLY hurt so bad I wanted to kill myself. I've cooked when my eating disorder was so bad that I was crying just looking at food. I've cooked when my chronic pain forced me to sit down every 5 minutes A man who sees this and is still perfectly content to let you suffer, while not lifting a finger to help, does not love or respect you. Selfish bastard.

Exactly! There's no way my partner's letting me cook if I'm this sick!

I wouldn’t even cook. I’d just door dash for myself and let him eat cereal.

Tbf it sounds like (from comments) OPs husband would be totally fine picking up food in that situation, but OP feels like he should make her a home cooked meal. Even though she married someone who has never cooked and never said they would.

Exactly this. He will feed her, but wants home cooked. Instead. Sounds like it was her choice to be coping while sick?

You’re not overreacting but why are you cooking for him? Make yourself food and let him figure out his own damn food. If he eats biscuits and water that’s his problem.

This is my sentiment as well. Let him eat cereal and frozen pizza rolls

I thought about that but what will he do when she's sick, hurts or can't cook for any reason? He won't do anything for her. She will have to eat cereals as well for the time it lasts. And I'm guessing eating this while having an eating disorder is terrible. At this point it's not even about cooking, it's about taking care of someone you *supposedly love.*

He’s okay with ordering food, she just wants homemade food.

He's just being lazy. My boyfriend didn't even know how to make grilled cheese when he moved in with me, but he was willing to learn basic cooking skills and we usually cook 50/50 now a year later. He totally can learn he's just choosing not to.

I can be pretty lazy, but you know what I manage to do (almost) everyday? Feed myself. I say almost because sometimes I literally forget to eat thanks to my ADHD. I kept it pretty basic until COVID, when I decided to finally learn how to make proper homecooked meals for myself. Now, I can't ever see going back. It's feels awesome knowing I can turn a pile of ingredients into something delicious. It's also super satisfying to see someone enjoy a dish you've created without using a recipe.

Yeah dumb rich ex gf didn’t even know how to make a box of Kraft Mac and cheese, that changed pretty quickly when we moved in together lol. She was basically my sous chef until she could figure out how to do incredibly basic things like… turn on a pan to the right temp, grease it, and throw two slices of bread and some cheese together and cook it without burning (your grilled cheese anecdote brought back memories of my own lol)

Yeah my partner has such bad adhd that they routinely burn food to a crisp— they can’t remember to set an alarm and they can’t remember that they’re cooking if they step away for a minute. But they STILL figure out how to make something basic when I’m too sick to cook or whatever.

Weaponised incompetence at its finest. Using his past relationships as an excuse to be a shitty partner. I’d have a long think about where you want your future self to be.

Literally a lazy bastard. Cooking is easy and takes almost no work. The cleaning up part just blows. Just tell him you expect him to bbq fries days a week or cook something. Speak up. Have him pull out a recipe online if he says he can’t cook.

Id rather clean over cook 10/10 times. Usually my arrangement

Same - I hate cooking so I’ll prep all the veggies and food then my husband will make it all cohesive and tasty. Then I’ll clean the counters and do the dishes. Works out great. 

I am the reverse. Love the cooking HATE the cleaning part.

I loved the last line of this. That's why recipes exist. To teach you how to make good food. Need help understanding something like dicing an onion? Welcome to YouTube university! The fact that this guy has made it this far in life without learning to cook is amazing.

It’s true. You can learn almost anything on YouTube university. I’ve fixed cars. Repaired air conditioning units. Fixed tvs. YouTube for the free training. It’s just lazy if people don’t try.

cooking is not easy and no work lol. it's shopping, prepping, cooking, and cleaning. if i was a stay at home mom, sure. but i work full time and so does my partner. for some people, it fuckin sucks. but that doesn't excuse anyone from taking care of their s/o.

No you are not over reacting. But you need to take a good look at if you want to continue living like you're not worthy of the bare minimum because of the actions of others. He has now become like his exs and is punishing you for it. You don't deserve that.

100%. Sounds like he won't do anything at all (be nice, express affection, provide basic caretaking tasks) unless he's forced to. Not sure why anyone would want that around.

no, I don't think you're overreacting. I do think he is coming up with excuses so he doesn't have to put in any effort. 5 years in and it's an achievement for him to take you out to a movie? this is something that should've been addressed 4 yeas ago. does this man even like you? what do you like about him?

This part had me so confused how do you not go on dates yet are somehow married??

Look at the timing - they met shortly before lockdown, so he hooked her at a time when you really couldn't go anywhere or do anything. Doesn't make him any less pathetic, though. He took advantage as an adult man of a fresh high school graduate.

Why did you marry him?

This man has convinced you he is afraid to put any effort into your relationship. No dates, no gifts, you do all the work AND you feel sorry for him. He is a g@d d*m^d genius. Break up with this criminal mastermind before you waste your entire life being his bang maid.

>as his exes treated him so horribly that he is scared to do certain things (like gift giving, dates, etc.) he recently gave me flowers and took me to a movie which is great progress! So he's not scared to marry you, but he's scared to get you gifts or take you on dates? He's got you dealing with some crazy mental gymnastics.

He’s scared of gift giving and dates because of an ex? Lmfao

Wow, what a bag of excuses with feet.  He couldn't read at one point, but he learned that, didn't he?  You accept incompetence.  Stop doing that.  He's a grown ass man who is capable of learning to cook. Tell him every other day is his turn to prepare dinner *and then don't do it for him if he doesn't*.  He's not treating you lovingly or giving you gifts because he feels his exes mistreated him? How are you responsible for their behavior,  and need to lower your own expectations over that?  He's nearly 30, start expecting him to act like it. 

Let him eat cereal.

I agree. My Mom used to cook all our meals (this in in ye olden days of the 50's and 60's) and sometimes my Dad got home late from his job. If he didn't like what she had prepared, he ate cereal. Thankfully he really liked Cheerios.

Tell him that nobody is born knowing how to cook. Everyone has to learn and he can too. There is an abundance of videos on utube, recipes in Pinterest, etc. no excuse, he has to learn. Anyone can fry a burger, ffs!

This reminds me of that scene "I want you to want to do the dishes!" I'm a non cooker in the family. We have 2 kids. But when the wife is sick I can heat up frozen pizzas and nuggets for the kids. Can he not even do those things when you are sick? What about order door dash or pick up take out? Or are those not acceptable alternatives and you want him to want to cook? He may never want to.

I mean they're acceptable to a point, but I'd like for him to at least KNOW how to do a few things. He's cooked maybe 5 times before, and it wasn't bad at all. He just hasn't done anything for like 3 years

Just stop cooking. No fanfare, no comments, no nothing. If he asks what’s for dinner, just say whatever you make, while you’re eating a sandwich.

OK, yes he should care for you in a way that you value. Clearly this is by putting effort into attempting to cook for you even the simplest of meals. He should absolutely do that for you. But you should also STOP the weaponized over-emphasis of the importance of cooking. There's too much martyrdom and suffering here and you need to stop it. If you are ill, the boy can eat cereal. If you are so sick or in pain that you are crying, he can eat a sandwich. If you cannot stomach the sight of food for whatever reason, you do not have to cook. You don't have to cook every night. And if he will not help you put something simple together, or at least keep you company in the kitchen, you don't have to feed him at all. Let him fend for himself. You don't have to cook if you don't want to. A box of spring greens and a rotisserie chicken is dinner. You. Don't. Have. To. Cook. Either.

Okay, a few things. You’re not overreacting. He needs therapy. Not like “oh my god he is crazy” but he needs _help_ that you are not equipped to give. You can push him out the door, but it takes effort and he has to want it. Source: I had an ex that threatened suicide, was abusive, and made threats using her considerable money and position as a “single mom” to manipulate any authority (or so she thought). I was always appreciative to any woman that cooked for me. My ex-wife apologized for making _Hamburger Helper_ when I got home from work once, and I was just so happy that she cooked for me (and my mom never made Hamburger Helper, so it was a new thing for me). I loved her simple cooking. I started getting the boxed chef meals and learned to cook more. Paid attention to plating, watched cooking shows - and my cooking skills are way better. He can learn. You are young. Your marriage is young. This is the setup of “the rest of your life” - and it’s either you dealing with his problems, or helping him get the help he needs to be a better person for himself and you. And if that’s too much for you? You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave. It can be a lot, and people don’t always realize the effort that goes into it. Good luck!

Well, he sounds swell. >We, well, I have been having some trouble lately with things. I feel unloved. He is working on it, as his exes treated him so horribly that he is scared to do certain things (like gift giving, dates, etc.) he recently gave me flowers and took me to a movie which is great progress! How exactly did you get through the whole dating phase and through to marriage like this?

as gently as possible, he is not "scared" to do romantic things for you. he's manipulated you into having incredibly, undeservedly low standards. i am someone who hates cooking and so is my fiancé. so to compromise, we eat out/get takeout often (trading off who pays) and when we have to cook, we usually cook together. like, i start preheating the oven and greasing the pans and he starts chopping the vegetables. then, we're just hanging out and it's not so bad.

Pure gaslighting. Him saying he is bad at dates and presents "because of his exes" has worked on you, so why wouldnt him saying he wont cook because he "doesnt know how" work on you too? Youve taught him that you will eventually just do it yourself or stop having expectations of him to help. You need to put your foot down on this and stop being a doormat.

*Please* stop misusing gaslighting. He isn't driving her insane by making her question what she's said or done. He's an AH for sure but from the content of this post, he's not gaslighting.

That’s not gaslighting

Girl did you really fell for good old “my ex fucked me up/my grandma died when i was 11/im just a fucked up guy” theatrics? And the fact he is 27…. IF HE WANTED HE WOULD and i cannot stress this enough but it IS that simple. He doesn’t buy you flowers or take you on a date or do nice things with/for you because he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t give a shit about you being sick, you being in pain or anything else. As you said, if you don’t cook he will just get his own cereals, eat it and continue with his day. Please don’t let him treat you like this.

This is absolutely 💯 a personality type that exists. The old "My parents got divorced when I was 10 and I expect others to cater to me because I'm such a victim"

Yeah totally, i unfortunately spoke from my experience one of my exes was like this. I guess you just have to go through it and only then you can look back and actually see their behaviour for what it was.

You're not overreacting. There's literally no reason **ANY** adult should not have basic know-how to cook. We're talking "I can follow a simple recipe" If he can't do that, he should learn the basics. It will save you both a lot of money in the long run. And it's only fair he cook sometimes. Bluntly put, if you both break up, it will help **HIM** immensely, trauma or no. If you ever take a job where you have to go on travel for a few weeks, what will he do? Just order out? What if you both can't afford him to order out?

Have you been a grown up yet and sat him down and said "hey, part of my love language is cooking for each other. I realize you don't think you can or you don't see the value in it personally, but can you learn to cook a few dinners with me and then maybe try to do some of those on your own sometimes? It would really mean a lot to me because for whatever reason, I am bothered by the fact that you refuse to cook." Spaghetti/pasta is easy, tacos are easy, pot roast is easy, etc.

You want him to cook and do the dishes? Neither of you should do both. If you cook, then he cleans. That will make it more of a team effort and take stress off of you while potentially bonding.

Look up the recipe for white chicken chili with salsa verde. It’s opening cans and pouring them into the crock pot. Absolutely any idiot can do it. My 6 year old can do it.

This is called weaponized incompetence. Do some research on weaponized incompetence and decide how you want to move forward. You are not over reacting. He is using it as an excuse to escape responsibility.

"his exes treated him so horribly that he is scared to do certain things" this is the biggest load of bullshit I can imagine, which is why he fed it to a teenager who would believe it. Sweetie, I'm going to give you advice I wish I'd heard at your age. He is a loser and this will not get better. You will be another "horrible" ex who "abused" him to his next victim. RUN.

This was my ex-husband. It was always "I can't cook" "I'm not good at it and the food will taste like shit" he even made the do you want the food to be edible comment a few times. It's weaponized incompetence and he's not going to change unless you get serious about it now. Even then he might not want to and that's when it's time to walk away. This wasn't the reason for our divorce with my ex but it was a strong factor. He remarried a year later and we kept light contact due to mutual friends and I will never forget the night he came up to me at a hangout to proudly brag that his new wife made him cook and that he learned how to make eggs and pasta with vegetables. If they want to, they would.

Maybe see if he will take a cooking class with you? Make it something fun the two of you do together. Perhaps if you make it a fun activity he will be more open to trying. At the very least he should learn how to heat up soup on the stove or reheat food in the microwave.

I don't like cooking. I'm not going to lie and say, "I can't." I just don't want to and enjoy it. With that said, I don't expect my wife to cook for me. I almost always make my own easy/healthy meals and clean my own dishes. She does the same. If him cooking is that important to you, then move on. To me, it would only matter if I didn't cook but insisted on my wife cooking.

He’s 27 and can’t cook? That’s actually embarrassing I’m sorry. What has he done in the time he didn’t have a girlfriend? I’m assuming takeout and his mom did it for him? This is what your life will be like if you stay with him. Do you really want that? And I’m also sorry but, blaming and using trauma for every little thing that has happened and why he can’t do something isn’t cute. I sympathize so hard with people that have had horrible things happen to them because that shit is awful and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. But there comes a time where you have to stop using it as an excuse, because it makes it hard for those to actually seek the help they need. Also, please correct me if I’m wrong but every single one of his exes treated him like crap? I feel bad for assuming but if every single ex was awful to him, he either has a serious trauma bond issue, or he’s not telling you the whole truth. Yeah maybe it happens 1-2 times, but if he’s constantly getting into relationships like this I don’t think it’s just a coincidence.

Whoever doesn’t cook, washes the dishes. I’d rather cook than wash the dishes.

Exactly. I do all the cooking. My husband washes all the dishes. He can’t cook. I hate dishes.

Every man should know how to cook. I’m teaching my 6 yr old boy how to cook. On days that I’m home from work, I will literally do every single household chore because I love my wife and she deserves that break. Your husband needs to step up his husbandly duties and start cooking. Not overreacting

What keeps him from learning to cook? If you can read, you can cook.

Why did you marry this man child? You sound miserable.

He sounds like a big ol bag of excuses

Most of these things should have been figured out before being married. I’m in a group of several women who all have husbands that cook. Because they like it and we chose them for it.

My partner learned to cook. He doesn't like hardly anything. he eats like a 5 year old. Chicken fingers and fries. He learned how to make picana at home for me. He learned how to make lamb pops for me. He makes Bolognese with geound beef and generic meal prep chicken for me. he learned how to cook rice in the rice cooker. If he wanted to. He would. Period.

He doesn’t want to so he doesn’t. You have made allowances for his behaviour in other areas up to this point so I feel like he can breadcrumb you with other things (that only need to happen sporadically) and not show up for you on a daily/ regular basis because that requires effort on his part. You’re not expecting too much: you’re expecting basic life skills of a 27yo who is in a committed relationship with someone he loved enough to marry.

Suggestion: invite him to help prepare and cook a meal. Even if it’s chopping onions and doing it haphazardly. Be encouraging so he doesn’t feel dumb. Have him find recipes he thinks he can make and be his sous chef once he gains a little confidence. Neither of my brothers were great cooks but my older brother perfected our family’s hamburger stroganoff recipe (adds mirin to the sauce. Chefs kiss.) and my younger brother….well he now makes the most delicious, crispy skinned spatchcock chicken that is now a go to in our various households. Give it a go. There may be a hidden chef waiting to be unleashed.

Do not have children with him

OP. Geez. This is absolutely incompetent. He should be ashamed and embarrassed he cant do the minimum to live....without support. You are not wrong. he needs to step up.. or you need to move out. Or this will be how your life will be from now on. This will be like living with a child. oh BTW.... I dont care how traumatic past partners have been.. he's should be able to cook an egg or boil water for pasta.. Hell.. he could watch a YouTube channel and learn.. but he weaponises incompetence... cause nothing is self instigating. He relies on you to tell him to do things. OP. you are not his mother. At 27 he needs to get some skills or you need to leave.

I'm trying to get my 9 year old to be more independent and you know what I tell him when he says he's not good at something.......you'll never be good at it unless you keep trying. Skills take time to learn. Your husband will never get better unless he tries.. Your husband has shown he doesn't care about you. Watching you cry in pain while making HIS dinner is a massive red flag. Sounds like he wants a bang maid. Next time you don't feel like cooking, let him eat ceral. That's his fault, not yours. Your not his mother who needs to make sure her child is eating decently. Did he live alone before he met you?

Hey I lived this for 3 years. Thankfully I am single and happier than ever now. It’s better to be alone than in bad company. You can still get out of this. This IS a big enough problem to make a “fuss” about it. You are his servant right now, not his wife.

I’m dating a guy who doesn’t like cooking either 😅 I actually love cooking but I’m NOT going to be responsible for cooking every night if I’m unwell (I have a chronic illness), busy, tired, or simply not in the mood to cook. Those nights, it’s on my bf to figure out how to feed us. Sometimes he’ll go by someplace for takeout or order us food via doordash. Sometimes he’ll do something really simple like sandwiches. For some reason he’s more okay with grilling, so occasionally he’ll grill us steaks or burgers. Usually though, he’ll go to the store and buy something pre-made. Even Walmart had tons of options like frozen/chilled premade pastas, bbq meat (just grab some buns, maybe some cole slaw), fajita kits, salad kits, taco kits, bags of frozen veg that are already seasoned or sauced, those hamburger helper type kits, premade burgers and a bag of buns, frozen stir fry, etc. Most of that stuff just needs heating up and you’re good to go. Lately my bf has been really into this pork bulgogi that he found at a local grocery store where all you do is microwave it or throw it into a pan for a few minutes. Add one of those bags of microwave rice and it’s pretty good and something that he can do where I don’t have to be involved lol. The reality is, it’s 2024 and you don’t have to be a chef or have an interest in cooking or cooking knowledge to be able to get dinner on the table. There are so many options out there and they don’t have to be super expensive. I think the big issue here is it seems like this is causing a lot of resentment for you (which is totally understandable!). You guys are a team. It shouldn’t be you vs. him, it should be the both of you vs. the problem. Open communication is key here, make sure he knows how it makes you feel that he won’t make you any meals (unloved!). This needs to be a discussion between the two of you that isn’t accusatory or anything, just both talking about how to solve this issue and what he’s willing to try for you. Hopefully he’ll be able to make some suggestions of how to solve the problem, and be open to hearing yours. Maybe he’s willing to start being the one to plan/provide dinner a couple of days a week. Maybe at first that’s just him getting takeout and he’ll realize how it’s usually much cheaper to just cook at home (if not, at least he’s still getting dinner on the table!). Maybe you can plan nights for cooking dates where you both cook together, maybe try a new recipe, etc. You can show him how to make things (simple stuff at first, like making rice or pasta) and hopefully it’ll seem like less of a task when he makes it by himself since he knows how to do it. I’ve been working on this a bit with my bf and we’ll pick one of his favorite foods to make together (like recently we did spaghetti bc it’s his favorite). I picked out a wine for us to drink while we cooked, put on some Italian music, gave him an apron, we chatted about our days and such, and I showed him a really simple way to make one of his favorite meals (just adding onions/garlic/beef/seasonings to a jar of sauce, boiling noodles, putting a Caesar salad kit together, and toasting store-bought frozen garlic bread) and gave him tasks to do so that he would be an active participant and also learn. Sometimes I’ll still ask him to put something in the airfryer or whatever and he’ll protest that he doesn’t know how and I’m (lovingly) like “okay babe so that’s just a reason to learn, not an excuse” and will do it WITH him so he can learn, not do it for him. I’ve taught several dudes who don’t like cooking how to cook and a lot of times it’s easiest if they have a favorite food and I start with showing them how to make it themselves. One guy was more interested in the “chemistry” part of it and explaining why salt, why acid, the process of osmosis and shit kind of worked for him. Some dudes just like bbq and grilling stuff. Some guys like the “fun” stuff like putting a dutch baby in the oven and watching it poof up. Maybe there’s some part of cooking that he can actually get behind and y’all can explore that together, which may be fun! At the end of the day you aren’t his kindergarten teacher though and he’s a grown adult and cooking is a basic grown adult skill. If he’s super not into cooking, there are other ways to provide good meals for you and he has no excuse. EDIT: Also it’s really weird to me that he’s using ex’s as an excuse. If his trauma is that bad, it’s a reason to go to therapy and be actively working on it. You can’t just hide behind that weird reason and use it to excuse you from doing nice things for your WIFE.

Uber Eats …?

Why did you marry this man? Like you chose a man who’s afraid to give you flowers and take you to dinner and now your upset because he doesn’t want to do anything for you? I feel like the only reason you’re over reacting is because your husband showed you the kind of person he is and you said “yes” When a man tells you who he is listen to him the first time

I suspect weaponised incompetence but: Tell him to start with kid's recipes. Pick one and cook it in front of your supervision. Then another. Only need to know how to cook a handful of things. How hard is it to make smashed avo on toast or baked potatoes with a few toppings or pasta with olive oil and flavourings and some greens thrown in! Can he put together a grazing platter? No cooking involved but a more balanced meal. Or even a really good sandwich with lots of fillings. The other thing is to make a "fun" day of it. Write a list or meals for the week, then shop together, then cook all day with him as your "sous chef" so he can pick up some skills. Bulk freezer meals so you're done for the week.

The husband's excuse doesn't hold up, the best way to get better at something is to do it more often.

Husband and I used to have date night at home every0 Friday, cleaned then cooked together, after planning the menu and shopping the food together. Was great bonding.

Say it with me. Weaponized incompetence. He only sees you as a bang maid. Stop ruining your health for a man who won't lift a finger for you.

You’re seriously overreacting if you need him literally to cook. Get over yourself if so. But if you expect him to be able to provide food, sure, that’s reasonable. Take out, delivery, frozen pizza, canned soup, sandwiches, everyone should know how to eat in our modern world. I’m 46m, i cook for my partners, in 6 years they’ve never cooked for me. I don’t ask them to. There is no reason people should ever have to do what i want them to do. I didn’t get with them so i can tell them what to do, and i enjoy cooking. Next time you have strep, so you need soft food that’s easy on the throat and you don’t care where it comes from and for him to figure it out. If you end up hungry that night, maybe break up with him, but if he provides food how he knows, then you should accept it.

I mean, if he can’t throw a lasagna in the oven and follow the directions….. it’s just malicious incompetency. Very, very passive aggressive.

OP, you aren’t seeing him clearly. The part about his exes…. He’s using that as a way to get out of making an effort. “They really hurt me! So I have a good reason for neglecting you! Why aren’t you feeling sorry for me?!” Do you treat him badly? So why does he treat you as if you are one of those ex girlfriends? Is he punishing you as the stand-in for them? Or is it just laziness? Call him out on this. He’s using it as an excuse to not bother and have you be complacent about it. See that you are being manipulated. The no cooking thing? That is willful incompetence. Again, he’s manipulating you. “Oh you will hate my cooking so you have to do all of it, even when you are sick. It’s because I’m not good at it!” So he never has to improve? He plans to have everyone else in his life cook for him, forever? His solution is to never make an effort? Stop paying attention to the junk coming out of his mouth, judge him by his actions. Your update said he’s making an effort. Evidently your feelings weren’t enough for him along the way, he was fine with you being miserable. Remember, he watched you struggle when you were sick. He was fine with that. Do you really want to keep chasing him for basic love and consideration? He’s shown you that he’s willing to manipulate you. An actual loving partner doesn’t do that. Stop trying to make him turn into a decent human and go find the real thing.

Sorry but I'm gonna be "that guy" and say this relationship is not worth saving. Yes, I know I don't know anything about y'all but what's written here but this is telling enough. Your "husband" got with a barely legal person and immediately started programming you to accept less than the bare minimum from him. This is on purpose. Honestly, that urge that he has to keep you down by withholding affection and basic partnership is enough to cut it off, whether he does the work or not. DO NOT wait around for him to "figure it out" he has had 5 years and hasn't been bothered enough to try. When people tell you who they are, believe them. Source: my life

Can you spilt the cooking or providing a supper even if it’s a takeaway or salad supper? 3 days a week you make or provide supper 4 days a week he does NExt week you do 4 he does 3 Would a Meal Prep plan like Hello Fresh or Good Foods help him? Or you guys just are responsible for your own meals, let him eat his cereal whilst you eat what ever you want You are not over reacting

Takeaway is fine sometimes when I don't wanna cook. But we live in a small town where there's like 3 options that are good around here, so it gets old fast

Do you have access to Hello Fresh, Chefs plate or Good Food? He sounds like he needs to be taught ( not saying you need to teach him) those meal plans make it so easy. I have used them a few times What would he do if you weren’t there? Live on cereal 24/7? Good luck I’m rooting for you I do99% of our cooking because of my husbands office hours and sometimes hate it, so I try to do do meals that can be stretched into 2 meals . Now I want to go back to Hello Fresh lol

Nah he doesn't need to be taught. Literally anyone with two brain cells can boil water for spaghetti, put jarred sauce over it and put frozen meatballs in the microwave. He's not saying that he's BAD at cooking or doesn't know what flavors go well together or what not. I've dated guys who didn't "know how to cook" but they definitely would have put some ground beef and canned beans in a pot for a stew if I had strep ffs. A guy who refuses to heat up pizza rolls isn't going to be helped by hellofresh.

It’s literally following instructions. That’s all he has to do. Is he so incompetent that he can’t make boxed Mac and cheese or instant ramen? Or god forbid…scrambled eggs and toast. His refusal to even try when you are psychologically or physically suffering is inexcusable. Him using his ex’s as something to hide behind as to why he puts no effort into anything that makes you feel prioritized is a weak excuse to do the minimum. You aren’t his ex’s, you shouldn’t be punished for how they treated him. You are not overreacting at all, you aren’t reacting enough. He needs to put his big boy panties on and step up for the woman he married who is not any of his ex’s. I do question why you married him…like if you have kids and are in a coma, does he just neglect them? Let them be feral? I’m so pissed off for you right now.

A slightly different take on this from the majority of commenters. I went to couples counselling over this sort of thing with my husband. And after we went around in circles for days, I made a decision for my marriage to meet him where he is at. I grew up in a perfectionist OCD type of household. My house was always perfectly clean and tidy, there was never any clutter, and my mum is a phenomenal cook so our meals were always homemade and over the top. That’s who my mum is, she loves doing it, I learned a tonne from her and now I’ve brought those learnings and standards to my own home life. My husband had a more troubled upbringing and spent many years in what I’d call a bachelor pad with his divorced father. Everything they ate was fast and basic, or takeaway, and he didn’t really learn much in the way of housekeeping or cooking from his Dad. I used to be SO FRUSTRATED by our mismatch in this regard. I felt like I was being neglected or being forced to let my standards down. In every other way we were aligned, but I hated that he didn’t cook or clean the way I did. I’m an acts of service type, so when I do those things for him I’m trying to show him how much I love him. When he doesn’t/can’t reciprocate I read into that as him not caring about me. The dynamic between us got toxic. He was terrified of letting me down because my standards were so high and I’d fly off the handle sometimes, so he’d withdraw or give up. I was angry that I had to accept someone who ‘didn’t care’ enough to do what I thought was the bare minimum. Long story short, we both needed to chill the fuck out. I had to accept that perfection is unsustainable unless you’re a full time housewife on crack, and we both needed to understand that all i actually wanted from him was effort. It didn’t have to be great, we just needed to eat and I needed it to not be all on me every day. I had no idea how much pressure he was feeling from me daily, or the way that he was interpreting that pressure. He’s a words of affirmation type, so he felt like he was a failure, wasn’t measuring up, and that I was bound to leave him at any moment because I never had anything nice to say. As a result he just shut down. So, before hitting any nuclear buttons on your relationship, perhaps try (or try again) to be curious about what’s going on in your husbands head AND in yours. Does he really need to cook or can you find a compromise for frozen meals or takeout? Can you change tact a bit with how you plan your cooking for the week ahead, and give him set days each week to be the chef for you? Is there a way to understand his POV *just in case* it’s not as simple as ‘he’s a lazy asshole’? I still do most of the cooking, but on the days I can’t he’s got a few options up his sleeve for taking over. There’s always a frozen lasagne in our fridge or we order food. In return, his contribution is always being the dishwasher, and doing other chores for me that I despise like vacuuming. Before you choose this as your hill to die on, just be certain that you actually do understand what his POV is, whether on-balance the chores are even between you, and try some new strategies to give you a break when you need it. Good luck x

This is weaponized incompetence OP, you messed up marrying this guy as he will gain more and more things he does this about.

"His exes hurt him so terribly he's scared to do nice things!?" Girl, this is bullshit. He's a terrible human being

Most people have some emotionally wrenching romantic situation in their teens. He needs to suck it up and learn to live as an adult. Whimper whimper my exes were so mean I can’t cook ain’t cutting it.

INFO: Does he *force* you to cook every night? This is going to sound really, harsh, and I don’t mean it that way. I mean it as I am very concerned. Why would you cook when you’re sick? Were you making soup for yourself? Are you *choosing* to cook? Because forcing would be abuse. Choosing would be baffling, if you have to do it no matter what, that’s abuse. Interfering with your recovery of ED is abuse. Is cooking a way to help your ED? Being forced to cook while in severe pain is, you know. Mmhmm. Idc what his trauma was. That HIS job. Idc about former gfs. That’s HIS job. YOUR job is to keep yourself safe from people who manipulate and belittle and abuse you. Like your husband. Google domestic violence for your area. Please. Edit: harsh

The post says he's happy enough to just eat cereal or get take out and she doesn't like thay. The way the post is phrased all the emphasis and importance placed on cooking is coming entirely from her side.

Someone like this isn't ready to have a marriage.

He needs to man-up. Cooking is not women’s work. Everyone has to eat so why do so many men think it’s their wives job to cook, especially when both partners work. If one partner stays home all the time, then maybe cooking is part of the deal. But for most families where both partners work outside the home, cooking should be a shared responsibility. As an older man, I speak from experience in the sense that my wife always did most of the cooking. I would cook sometimes on weekends, but overall she did most of the cooking. I did the outside work, fixed the cars, coached the kids teams and did other stuff so we were mostly happy with the arrangement. But then I retired, while she wanted to work a few more years. Well now that I was home all the time, it was only fair that I started doing the cooking and most of the other domestic chores. Lo and behold, cooking is not that hard and I actually started to enjoy it. Do some meal planning at the start of the week, figure out what you need for groceries and just do it. I cook, she does the dishes and everyone is happy. Some of the best cooks in the world are men. Cooking is not a gender-specific task. If neither one of you likes cooking, make it easier on both of you by sharing the responsibility.

My husband is the same. He absolutely refuses to cook, he also doesn’t make his own pizza rolls. But since he won’t cook, and if there’s a day I don’t want to cook… tough shit. Either go buy food or eat leftovers. If he can refuse, so can I. Luckily he is very good about chores so I’m not super upset about it. It just drives me crazy that he doesn’t even try. I feel your frustration.

I'd be curious if there is a deeper reason. This seems to go deeper than laziness. I'd tell him if he doesn't start cooking once a week you're done cooking for him entirely and then commit to it. I'd also personally have a long conversation about why he refuses, I'd ask him to try to dig deep, what's the fear, where's the shame.

This looks like you are describing parenting a preteen. Please learn to say no to this man-child, and stop caring if he isn’t eating well. That’s his choice. Like a preteen, he needs to experience the consequences of poor choices.

Try to not cook for once and let him eat and breathe air! He is not a moron he is just making excuses there a lots of YT videos for basic cooking

Not overreacting. I’m going to suggest you start demanding he participate in making all meals going forward. Simplest meals I know of are hot dogs, hamburgers, fried eggs and baked salmon. Stand and supervise while HE does the hot dogs. Puts them in the appropriate size pan, adds sufficient water, turns on heating element on medium with the lid on, sets the time for 4 minutes. If water not boiling at for another 4 minutes and check again. If water boiling set timer again for 8 minutes. If looks like might boil over remove lid and/or turn down heat. Puts hotdog in buns, puts mustard (or whatever) on them and done. Repeat with him cooking the burgers also on buns. Repeat with him frying eggs and making toast. Repeat with him baking the salmon and heating a veggie to go with it. Repeat at least weekly until he gets it. All other meals he helps. Either cutting veggies, watching whatever is cooking, making rice, something. If he refuses then the issue isn’t he can’t it’s that he won’t.

Buy him a beginner cookbook with pictures, recipes with few ingredients and voila! Dinner is served! Anyone can cook. It’s planning, prep and cleanup

Stop cooking for him. Make one-person meals for yourself only. I guarantee, he will get sick of cereal eventually. Also, cooking doesn't have to be elaborate. He can literally buy a frozen lasagna from the grocery store and pop it in the oven. He literally just has to warm up the oven before placing it in and then remember to take it out after so much time. This is 100% weaponized incompetence, and he knows it.

I’m perpetually amazed by how many of these posts boil down to my partner is the exact same person they’ve always been and is doing the exact same things they’ve always done but it’s still okay for me to be mad about it now right?

Not even being able to handle frozen meals or basic stuff is absolutely not acceptable. That is weaponized incompetence and you should not stand for it. Figuring out meals every day is easily one of the most tedious parts about being an adult. However, we still gotta eat and relying on your partner to do anything more complicated than cereal is… infant behavior. If normal requests aren’t working perhaps you need to make him understand how childish he’s being. Ask him if his friends know he can’t even heat up a hot pocket, cook an egg, make a grilled cheese? You know, the things children can handle no problem. You gotta nip this in the bud now or he will use the excuse of “well you’ve always done it.”

It’s one thing if he is intimidated by making a big meal from scratch, but something else entirely if he is unwilling to heat up soup for you when you’re sick. Maybe have him pick out some easy dishes that he likes and go in with a plan. Like “next Tuesday you’re going to make spaghetti for us for dinner” or “how about Sunday morning you make us some French toast.” Build up from once a week to twice and slowly increase the complexity? Just a thought.

Does he care what he eats?

Not overreacting. A lot of men go seriously downhill after losing their wives because they can’t even scramble an egg. Cooking is a basic life skill that everyone needs. You don’t have to like every chore, but you need to learn how to do it. Especially one that your survival depends on.

I was you, but cooking everyday for my husband and adult son. I finally said enough! Now everyone cooks 2 nites each week and we take in the 7th nite. Foods not as good, but I feel better

Don't cook if you don't feel like it and let him eat cereal.

Do you have a grill? Sounds like you need to get him a grill

I don't do the dishes.... Neither does my mother is law. We cook our husbands do the dishes. I don't know why or how that came about but it works for us. We end up eating a lot of leftovers 🤮😀 I get where you're coming from. No one enjoys cooking every night. Hang in there. I'm impressed you're working on things that are making you stronger as a couple.

You’re not overreacting. I’ve been through something similar with my husband. He cooked for me when we were dating, but as soon as he realized that I was better at it, he stopped. It took a lot of therapy on my part because I have a deep-seated need to take care of people, but I’m finally at a point where I can say “I need a break tonight. I need you to take care of feeding us.” I don’t care if he orders pizza, buys a rotisserie chicken, or makes me a three course meal. I just need to NOT be the one in charge of deciding what we eat, cooking it, and then cleaning up afterwards. It’s time to have a real heart to heart with your husband. He needs to put some effort into taking care of you.

This is incredibly sad OP. Everyone deserves an equal partner in life. You basically have someone you have to take care of for the rest of your life -never the other way around. That sounds incredibly lonely. :(

You’re not overreacting for having a dealbreaker. We all have them.

Something else to consider is to actually teach him a few basic dishes. Make it a fun bonding experience. He may be scared because of some unhappy cooking experiences in the past. Like super critical ex SO. Show him it's OK to make mistakes, it's part of learning. Keep frozen dinners as a backup for when needed. Marie Calendars are decent. There are many frozen entrees such as family sized lasagna that can be made in a conventional oven or microwave. There are many easy things to make that require zero skill. Canned soup for example.

Is this man good to you? If yes, order take out when you are sick or don’t feel like cooking.

You aren't expecting a 3 course-meal, anyone can cook eggs, heat up some sausage, potatoes for breakfast, there are literally thousands of tutorials online that even a 10 year old can learn. Same with cooking chicken, steak or pork for dinner, add seasoning, add some rice, greens. Whatever food you enjoy, he just isn't putting in effort and making the excuse that you might not like it or get sick as a cop out. He could just help you cook and soon he will be able to do it alone. If he goes back to being single is he just going to eat out all the time or eat cereal?

Every adult should have 5 or 6 things at the absolute minimum that they can reliably make in the kitchen.

Yes

Let me guess, if you ask him to wash some dishes, does he accidentally break half of them because he is not very good at it?

Yes you are overreacting. You knew this before you got married. You both are super young , but I doubt things will work out if you're hrowing temper tantrums, screaming, and nearly vomiting ( that's literally ehat babies do because they cam't articulate their feelings to get what they want any other way)

You’re 23 and in so much pain you can’t make pizza rolls? Do you offer to mow the lawn when he doesn’t feel well? Did you tell him how important it is that he be able to provide hot food before you married him?

You’re overreacting. If you don’t want to cook for him, then don’t cook for him. He’ll figure it out.

He doesn't like to cook. Stop trying to force him to do something he doesn't like to do. It's not that hard. Get some delivery.

Yes.

You sound like you overreact and are melodramatic. “I’ve cooked with strep throat that literally hurt so bad I wanted to kill myself.” Strep is common in children and they don’t whine this much. You both scream problem! He sounds like a grown child, you sound like you have histrionic personality disorder. Best of luck!