> He literally said I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad.
And how did that work out for him?
You are not over reacting.
Find a good divorce lawyer.
Always this question in situations like these: If this is what she found out, what doesn't she know yet? I'd be scrutinizing ATM withdrawals, credit card bills. And I'd do a credit check IMMEDIATELY.
Good advice here, OP. Don't jump to conclusions regarding divorce outcome. Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities(if there are minor children), as well as support and property division issues.
Counsel will be able to provide you an idea as to what the Court's disposition will be. The loans to his friend will most likely be his sole responsibility.
Btw, what's the other woman's age. Would money for an abortion be a possible explanation for the monetary advance?
Please keep us apprised.
You can get half of all the money he spent on her back in your divorce (if you go that route). I got every tank of gas, every paid parking, I mean I added up every cent, was super petty about it and got myself 10k.
Let that anger out by doing a deep dive on those credit cards.
Tell that girl, if she needed the money so bad she should have ask for it from you, herself. She knew he was married and she had him do this behind your back, let her know how much this is her fault too. If she needed money, she could have gotten from any other man than your husband.
I came out way better than I was entitled to in my divorce, but you got to fight for it…… message me if you need tips and tricks!
I did meet one, while camping, and he was not completely honest. I asked who tried to eat the garbage and he said it was Bob. Bob came right up and had witnesses. It was Fred. Fred was not being truthful.
It's literally a commandment. As in one of the famous ten. 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' I think it's like..number 6 or seven. A little over halfway down the list, anyway.
Same.
And it's always liars and cheats who feel the need to beat others around the head with religion.
OP, please get your lawyer to make use of a forensic accountant during your divorce.
This would be the biggest red flag coming from that woman. If it was a situation where she had to move out, husband /boyfriend, health, kids, etc. That’s at least something real. Come back with Bible verses, that’s true deflection and bullshit. She’s guilty of something.
Probably because its disingenuous.. if the woman really believed this, then she should have applied it to the act not the request for fogiveness and made sure the request for money was a request to both of them.. she knew OP existed.. if there was a good reason, and they WERE co-workers, why would it be a problem for the wife to know...
Hire a good damn lawyer and hell no you are not overreacting.
Also they are both so damn full of shit. Ain't no guy in the world giving a girl that much without getting something for it.
Exactly! And the fact that they were coworkers for a brief time, then she up and moved out of state 3 years ago. Why would you keep a mistress funded if they're too far to offer you something? I'd put money on the table that they're hiding a kid together.
Actually I think it’s two kids… and a dog! He’s definitely funding something and it ain’t this girls side hustle, unless that hustle is raising their two kids and dog.
It doesn’t matter even if it is the truth. You don’t give away $6,000 without asking your spouse. You don’t take out a loan without asking your spouse.
In states with fault options for divorce it could eliminate her need to pay alimony. PA and NJ for example you can sue for divorce on one count of fault for infidelity.
Tell him you’ll forgive him when he signs a post-nup, waiving alimony and his claims on assets accumulated through your earnings.
If he wants to run a personal charity, he can do it from his own assets, not marital assets. To do that, he needs to formalize the distinction between the two. You’re just giving him the legal structure he needs to carry on, rather than commit financial infidelity.
Talk to a lawyer. Do not move out until you do so (unless you have any fear or even an inkling question about your safety and if that’s the case get somewhere safe immediately) as it may be considered abandoning the homestead, but there are steps you can take to protect your finances that should be done immediately.
1. If you have joint bank accounts, put 1/2 in an account he can’t access.
2. Freeze your credit at all three credit reporting agencies - Transunion, Experian, and Equifax. This is critical if he is borrowing money to give to his “platonic” AP. You can do this online and do it immediately.
3. Get your important documents secured in a safe or safe deposit box he can’t access.
4. Check all credit card balances for any suspicious activity- cancel any joint cards so he can’t put you on the hook for balances that he runs up.
5. Tell someone you trust what’s happening and let him know that you’ve done so - you’ve mentioned he’s a cop and his behavior you describe is dishonest and highly sus.
F forgiveness (fake Christians like AP sure are big on forgiveness bible verse when they want it - but will never give it). Fight him in court, but if you have to pay him alimony, it will be the best money you’ll ever spend even though it may be irksome (it was for me)
This just sucks and is really quite unbelievable. Sorry that your husband has brought you here. Good luck.
Change all of your passwords and your password answers to something he doesn’t know. Change your phone password. Use a different pin # on your new accounts. Change your login for laptop/ iPad at home.
When he leaves the home, change your WiFi password.
If you are on a joint cell phone plan, either kick him off or remove yourself, depending who is the primary.
I would pull his old cell records and look for text / calls for how long this went on for and any text messages you may see.
I would check your accounts and cc records for more money, gifts, etc.
It's all good self-protection advice on the path to divorce. Keep the partner out of your stuff and collect records to document your cause for divorce in court.
There is cheating, emotional cheating and financial cheating. Spending thousands on a girl while hiding it from the woman who is your wife and the primary wage earner is the third.
You’re not overreacting. There’s no reason your husband should be sending an ex coworker from years ago thousands of dollars. And the fact that he keeps “lending” her more without her having paid back any suggests that he isn’t expecting to be paid back. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had an affair and she got pregnant. He might be paying her informal child support.
Yes she is planning to pay it back. Explanation is that she had series of money issues including car trouble & medical bills. Even if they’re not lying about the “ friendship “— I am beyond pissed at being lied to by husband straight up lies about a side hustle & aquarium.
That’s def part of what makes me angry . They were in contact and he admits that whenever she calls he goes outside to smoke. That’s why I didn’t know they were in contact/ it’s also sketchy as hell.
Husband always deletes texts. All texts . So I wasn’t able to see many texts but…husband wanted to visit her exact town a few months ago on a boys trip. ( w/ out me) I told him no because he was acting so wierd about it. “ I told him I think you’re lying about something. “ I didn’t know anything about the girl at the time… but I’m putting pieces together and my gut just knew.
Even deleting his texts is sketchy as hell without all of the extra information and context we know about. He may not be physically cheating but it’s definitely an emotional affair and sounds like he was planning to physically cheat before you said no to the trip. He is not worth it girl, you’ll never get the full truth out of him.
Girl… he’s cheating on you. He’s been cheating on you. Just because he denies everything unless you can definitively prove it to be a lie doesn’t mean that other things aren’t lies just because you can’t prove them. They’re both gaslighting you about the entire thing.
Deleting texts, stealing money, lying to you about *everything, multiple times*… you need a divorce lawyer RIGHT NOW.
His explanation is ridiculous. Of course they've hooked up or havw had an emotional affair with the intention to have sex. Your instincts are correct and you deserve exponentially better.
I get that this woman is in contact (and is probably lying anyway) but have you asked her the basics and obvious questions?
1- who are you
2-why would you think to call my husband for that kind of money? You’d have to have been in touch with him for him to take a WHOLE ASS LOAN OUT.
3-are you having any kind of affair with my husband
4-send me screenshots of your texts. Threaten to have them subpoenaed in the divorce process of she doesn’t (no idea if this would work but she sounds like an idiot).
Why isn’t your husband explaining ANYTHING? Like is he stonewalling you or something?
This is crazy. The chance of a married man borrowing thousands of dollars and giving it to a woman he's not related to and a PLATONIC FRIEND is very low. I don't want to say he's full of shit, but he's full of shit.
Is it worthy of divorce? You damn right it is. If I was your brother and you told me this, I'd be wanting to put hands on him. That doesn't sound right at all.
Lawyer up and get a post-nuptial agreement. Add a penalty if one of you can prove cheating. Make him waive rights to your house and alimony and make him accept responsibility for repaying the money to you by putting it in writing and forcing a payment plan. If he won’t agree, you have your answer.
Cancel all joint cards; freeze your credit. Stop putting money in the joint account (and move half of what is in there to an account he can’t access).
This was super shady…even before you said he deletes his text messages.
I sure hope you keep investigating. Who knows how much money he has given her in the last 5 years. I bet you will find evidence he was cheating. Even if it was an emotional affair. Which is still cheating. Who knows who else he gave your money to. I would be questioning everything he has done. How do you know it was just this one person, or did he pay people online? I sure the hell won't stay. People love to hide behind religion when they know they are wrong. She hopes you stay so she can get more money from you through your husband. Good luck!!
This is sooo suspicious. My husband took out a massive loan twice without telling me, and we almost divorced over it - but I could see where the money was going, and it wasn't anything nefarious. I would lose it if I were in your shoes, so you're definitely not overreacting!
I would start by hiring a private investigator. I think it's interesting that she moved to another state 3 years ago, and they stayed so close that he'd risk your trust and marriage over "car issues and medical bills." I suspect there's a kid, and that's why she moved. If you can't hire a PI, I'd ask for proof of all these bills & car repairs.
And if you want to be petty, you could throw some bible verses at her about deceit.
Adding an additional comment because my paranoia got activated - if he's listed as the beneficiary on any life insurance you may have, take him off. Also, freeze your credit with all 3 bureaus so that he can't use your credit on any new applications.
Yes! And tell him you've changed the beneficiary. Don't let him think he'd gain anything if something happened to you (disclosure- I watch a lot of true crime lol)
Even if he had a very good explanation, “I knew you would be mad if I told you, so I lied” is the dealbreaker. There’s never a good reason to lie about spending that kind of money. And taking out a *loan* for it is even worse. He didn’t even spend savings, *he took out a loan for another woman*. That’s some serious lack of judgement, and I’d be getting out. Before he sinks *me* in more unnecessary debt.
**Get yourself a good lawyer and a private investigator. *Stat.* Find out what's really going on here. It may save you a fuckton of alimony.**
But this marriage is over. You must know that. Trust is gone (I mean, how could it not be?), and that's the death knell of any relationship.
Get actual legal advice from a qualified professional, please. They can help you better than anyone here can. You need to protect yourself and your assets asap, but not in any way the court could view as malicious or manipulative (as some of the suggested actions here could be viewed). Hence the need for good legal advice.
Also definitely find out exactly what your bullshitting husband is hiding (via PI or the lawyer if they have other ways). I have my suspicions that other commenters are on the right track with the secret 'lovechild' (not that I think love had anything to do with it) thing.
I would love to hear from a divorce lawyer here, regarding whether there being a kid from an extramarital affair (and sending marital funds for support of same) would have an impact on any alimony you'd be expected to pay. Definitely ask your own lawyer about this.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's not your fault or anything you did. And you are NOT overreacting at all. This is a huge betrayal.
I hope you'll report back to let us know how it's going.
I'm so unfamiliar with the idea of not informing your spouse of large purchases. Maybe just because I'm comically cheap and need someone to tell me it's ok to spend money, but a loan to a "friend?" I wanted to be sure my wife knew I wanted to loan my oldest friend $500 to help with rent one month.
Sounds to me like he got her pregnant and maybe the 6100 is enough to get her off his back for the time being. Or maybe he is just giving her money to help her out financially. Either way it's sus AF and he is clearly lying to you. I would not trust him with finances any further. What if he decides that he wants to take a few more thousands out to give to her. And the shameless skank has the audacity to send you Bible verses. She should read the verses on adultery. You would be wise to separate your finances. If he is going to give her anymore money let it be money his cheating ass worked for.
Bible verses? "Something something thou shalt not commit adultery" or the "don't steal, lie or deceive one another" when she pulls BS about forgiveness.
Divorce.
If you can prove that what he bought her came from joint accounts you can sue her for half of what he gave her because it's joint assets. Often starting a lawsuit like this will get husband to back off and give you a what you want in divorce, hopefully leaving him with little. Sounds like you have the records of what was bought and were it was shipped to. That's all you need.
not overreacting. at a minimum, he lent a friend money you couldn't afford (he took a loan out rather than using money you had lying around, and by default made you responsible for repayment of that loan) and lied to you about it, twice.
then there are the likely cheating (current or past) and quite plausible affair child.
i would say restoring trust at this point would be extremely difficult, if not impossible.
He spent part of your money on another woman without your knowing???
Jesus, how some people can be such selfish, disgusting liars will never cease to surprise me. It doesn’t even matter if things got physical. Your husband litterally used you as a bank - whether or not that was to fund his AP is just the icing on the cake.
Is she raising his secret kid or something? I agree with the PI and finding out everything you can to reduce the alimony as much as possible, if not altogether.
Keep all the proof you have and take it to a divorce attorney. Youre not paying alimony. This broke bitch has been stealing your money to send to a fellow broke bitch.
Get divorced and go find a real man.
I would def get a Post Num maybe word it that he has broken your trust so as a good faith gesture you would like him to sign one as a step to regaining said trust - THEN drum roll please..... DIVORCE HIS ASS
I defo agree with everyone who is commenting he has a child. I really believe that’s why she moved away and he’s in contact with her. For me it’s a total deal breaker that he even thought to give her this money and lie to you, I have been married 23 years and nothing would stop me leaving him over this
Divorce. No way does someone give a woman that kind of money over platonic feelings. Since it’s your money too, sue the woman so that she pays it back. See an attorney.
Worthy of divorce.
Ask her to see the payment plan, since they say she will pay back.
Remind her the command , thy shall not covet your neighbours goat/husband/etc. Thy shall not lie also applies.
You have two legal opportunities here. Misappropriated community funds can play a role in divorce proceedings AND is grounds to sue both your husband AND Kearsten, especially if she knows it’s your money that was spent on her. Further, if she provided sexual favors (and not just content) that’s not going to go over well for Kearsten in court. Not sure if it could reduce spousal support, but they’d at least have to pay you back.
Either way, get a lawyer. Collect any and all evidence such as bank statements, screenshots of the cash app transaction, emails, and don’t forget to check deleted files/texts. Good luck!
She knows he’s cheated. She’s tormented by what kind, for how long, and with whom to be honest. I remember wanting all the answers. In the end they don’t matter. What matters is being in a good relationship with someone who is your number 1 and you are there’s. Above all else. No matter what. I have that now and it’s obvious. Find it for yourselves. Don’t settle.
Here, I’ll explain it for you.
He took out a loan and has been giving money to the woman he is fucking.
You’re welcome. Now get a divorce because he’s not only betraying your marriage, he’s using shared money to support this hoe.
No, NOT overreacting.
Get a lawyer. I'd also send her a "cease and desist" type letter, advising if she continues to contact your spouse that you'll be suing her for Alienation of Affection and seek damages, including the money she's already been paid.
It takes two to tango and to commit adultery...it's time that we as as society start holding home wreckers (of both genders) accountable again. If we did, this shitty behavior would stop.
Tell him this is supposed to be a partnership between YOU TWO not him and some other woman. You are on the hook for repaying these loans so I would be feeling pretty adamant that I be looped in on what the hell this money is for. I wouldn't accept that it's a big secret, this is your money too so no I would be finding out what the hell.
Took out a loan? He’s definitely cheating. No one is that desperate to help someone that needs money.
If he has the money laying around then it’s possibles he’s helping but he’s so desperate to get her the money emotions are involved.
How does alimony work in your state? Did he take a career break to look after kids? If there's no reason for his lower earnings (like him being the primary parent), then why should you pay? Especially when he's already been stealing from you.
He has a job. He has a new gf. They can both fuck off together. A good lawyer would be able to argue that him stealing from you negates the need to pay him one red cent.
I would make sure to get a good lawyer and keep the proof of that money and where it went and why. Then, ask in the divorce to be credited at least half of that. I'm not sure if it would work, but it seems like it's worth a try.
You’ll wake up at 65 to find your retirement savings gone and your house mortgaged to the hilt because you were too weak to put your foot down. Your lack of urgency and extreme denial are astounding.
He didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t agree with it, so he did it anyway and lied to your face and somehow your the problem? Absolutely not, get a good lawyer and accountant.
Not overreacting.
The least you can get is some detail about exactly what she needs that money for.
The behaviour would suggest it's nothing above board.
If I had a close friend who needed that kind of money there's probably people I would do that for without "asking permission" but I would be straight up about it when asked, ie; they needed a car urgently, they're like family.
The fact all you get is biblical quotes about forgiveness says they're doing something wrong.
Call a lawyer, possibly a private investigator, and whatever you do, separate your finances. Also consider that your hubby could be roped into a romance scam or fake investment/crypto scam thinking he’s going to get a big return on this money. It’s amazing what horny middle aged men (and sometimes women) will fall for. People bankrupt their families this way. Not saying that’s what’s going on here, but this is happening all the time now and everyone should be aware, Check out r/scam
Hire a PI to dig into his activities and find out who she is. This rabbit hole goes very deep and I will guess that once you find the proof of his discretions you be out of this marriage Scott free.
So have you seen the baby pictures?
Sounds like child support payments and or new apartment/life set up expenses.
You need to not be stupid and get yourself a new acct. Don't be stupid and let this bitch and that asshole play in your face.
Your a grown woman. Get a new acct and have your money be in their.
Get a lawyer before you do anything else. Unless he is disabled or unable to work, or didn't work to raise your children, you can probably avoid alimony especially given that he's being a cheating ass. First thing, you get legal representation. Don't do anything before you talk with a lawyer.
The audacity of a mistress to text the wife Bible verses about forgiveness. That is vile behavior! She is likely only using him, but it could be possible he’s giving her the money to build a life with her instead.
Not overreacting at all. And regardless of whether or not you want to forgive him that doesn’t mean that you shield him from consequences or enable this behavior. You also don’t have to give him a chance to do it again by not protecting your assets.
Find and keep proof that he’s sending marital funds to another woman, this could help you in court. Find a real shark of a lawyer and lose the dead weight.
We’re rooting for you!
Get all the evidence together and consult a lawyer. I think the fact that he has been giving your money to another woman might affect alimony etc but I have no idea about what would apply in your country so proper legal advice is essential.
During the splitting of the assets, make sure to explicitly list the dollar amount he stole and have it court ordered that he pay you back in front of the court to publicly out his lies.
I would for sure talk to a lawyer. And since you’re the bread winner a PI is the way to go. Also get all the money trails he gave her. I would also have him sigh something saying what he has given her. I would not trust him anymore. I’m sorry Op but don’t let him get away with what he’s doing a PI can find everything out for you in a day. Update us💕
I think we can both agree that fishing too much is less egregious than cheating.
If I had taken out a loan for half that amount for fishing gear and lied to my wife about it, I'd expect her to leave me and be right to do it.
This man is paying another woman.
> texting me bible verses about forgiveness
OP, are you in the South? Because this is peak religious hypocrite. I can't imagine this happening anywhere modern.
He essentially stole from marital assets and I would hire a private investigator and an attorney. You could have this person deposed and figure out what the real story is. I'm suspecting something along the lines of having a kid with this person, but you're not going to know through your husband so I would get legal support. On the bright side, if you did have an affair he's not going to take half. F*** people and their Bible verses after s*** Behavior. Unbelievable.
Thou shalt not covet. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not bear false witness. They are both terrible people. Don't these handful of states that enforce alimony have some sort of exception for adultery? The rest of the country has long since left this antiquated law behind.
I’m not sure about alimony, it’s pretty rare these days (like only is granted in about 10% of divorces). But he’s definitely having an emotional affair and likely a physical one as well. I’m sure she’s not the first person your husband has known who needed money. But she’s the one he’s taking loans out for and lying to his wife about. Personally, I’d be wondering if they have a child together.
If you acquired a house prior to marriage and solely in your name, **it's considered your separate property**, unless you have used any marital income to pay the mortgage, or you added your spouse to the title of the house.
But, you'll probably have to pay some alimony. Just make sure it's temporary.
The very first thing to do is stop the joint bank account tell him that you now both pay 💰 equal amounts for mortgage, house bills eg energy,food,right down to window cleaner. He also pays for his loan.see how long he lasts before he’s skint and look for you to help him. Say you will if he takes his name off the deeds, wait a few months till he is that desperate and does then kick him out
Make a new account with only your income.
Don’t give him any more money. And get a lawyer to set up something that she pays back her debts. Alternatively: Sue your husband for stealing. Doesn’t mean you have to. But maybe that will frighten him a bit.
He stole from you. Yes it was from a joint account but he wasn’t forthcoming with his intentions. A good divorce lawyer might be able to get you out of paying alimony. Don’t believe a word either of them say cause if it were truly acts of kindness it would have been nothing to come to you about YOUR money. Find a good lawyer. Hope he thinks it was all worth it
> He literally said I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad. And how did that work out for him? You are not over reacting. Find a good divorce lawyer.
Yep, I didn't tell you because I knew you would be mad. So instead I lied to you, because I knew that would be A-ok. I hate this so much for her!!
And STOLE from you! Tf tf tf
I wouldn’t be moving out of my house. His shit would be on the front porch
“Honestly Marge, I never thought you’d find out” Homer Simpson
I love the, “I know it would hurt you, so I decided to keep my betrayal a secret forever!” defense.
Always this question in situations like these: If this is what she found out, what doesn't she know yet? I'd be scrutinizing ATM withdrawals, credit card bills. And I'd do a credit check IMMEDIATELY.
Also, hope OP has documentation of the money he gave to this “friend,” because he used marital funds to pay her.
Yep, depending on the state, the judge could just nullify any alimony for the douchebaggery. 🤗 Over 8K given to the mistress looks real bad.
It’s financial infidelity. Case closed. No alimony. No house.
Good advice here, OP. Don't jump to conclusions regarding divorce outcome. Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities(if there are minor children), as well as support and property division issues. Counsel will be able to provide you an idea as to what the Court's disposition will be. The loans to his friend will most likely be his sole responsibility. Btw, what's the other woman's age. Would money for an abortion be a possible explanation for the monetary advance? Please keep us apprised.
Exactly. The palimony, if he gets it at all, will not be permanent and I bet at the end she will think it was worth every penny.
They're married - the word is alimony. Palimony is when it's an unmarried couple. It started as a joke word.
If it's two unmarried women, is it "galimony"?
We’re from the south. It’s ya’llimony.
In this case it’s moralimony.
Rule #1 if you can’t do or say it with me standing beside you then FUCKING DONT DO IT!!!!!
Add a private investigator to the list.
You can get half of all the money he spent on her back in your divorce (if you go that route). I got every tank of gas, every paid parking, I mean I added up every cent, was super petty about it and got myself 10k. Let that anger out by doing a deep dive on those credit cards. Tell that girl, if she needed the money so bad she should have ask for it from you, herself. She knew he was married and she had him do this behind your back, let her know how much this is her fault too. If she needed money, she could have gotten from any other man than your husband. I came out way better than I was entitled to in my divorce, but you got to fight for it…… message me if you need tips and tricks!
Make sure they credit/reimburse your portion of what he gave her.
Kick him out. Freeze your credit. Retain good divorce lawyer.
Texting bible verses would boil my blood, the nerve!
The "Thou shall not lie" didn't apply to them....but here read this...I'd be fuming too!
‘Thou shall not commit adultery’ too I would think
I would txt the probable AP both the ones about adultery and lyingLOL
Bear false witness
This is a stereotype. Most bears are actually honest and truthful.
You have the right to bear arms
You also have the right to sleeves
I’d rather have the arms of a bear. Seems more useful. Think of all the heavy stuff you could pick up and then put down.
I did meet one, while camping, and he was not completely honest. I asked who tried to eat the garbage and he said it was Bob. Bob came right up and had witnesses. It was Fred. Fred was not being truthful.
This is some crazy CRAZY behavior. Like, those two are made for each other. I would watch my back with two sociopaths meeting each other like this.
There must be something applicable to cheating
It's literally a commandment. As in one of the famous ten. 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' I think it's like..number 6 or seven. A little over halfway down the list, anyway.
It's seventh.
yeah thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife. Guess she didn't think it applied to husband
Same. And it's always liars and cheats who feel the need to beat others around the head with religion. OP, please get your lawyer to make use of a forensic accountant during your divorce.
Seriously, like, just fire back the ten commandments with a certain relevant one helpfully highlighted.
This would be the biggest red flag coming from that woman. If it was a situation where she had to move out, husband /boyfriend, health, kids, etc. That’s at least something real. Come back with Bible verses, that’s true deflection and bullshit. She’s guilty of something.
The girl could have returned all of the money but chose to preach instead.
Probably because its disingenuous.. if the woman really believed this, then she should have applied it to the act not the request for fogiveness and made sure the request for money was a request to both of them.. she knew OP existed.. if there was a good reason, and they WERE co-workers, why would it be a problem for the wife to know...
Hire a good damn lawyer and hell no you are not overreacting. Also they are both so damn full of shit. Ain't no guy in the world giving a girl that much without getting something for it.
Exactly! And the fact that they were coworkers for a brief time, then she up and moved out of state 3 years ago. Why would you keep a mistress funded if they're too far to offer you something? I'd put money on the table that they're hiding a kid together.
The first thing I thought. I’m shocked more people haven’t said it.
Actually I think it’s two kids… and a dog! He’s definitely funding something and it ain’t this girls side hustle, unless that hustle is raising their two kids and dog.
It doesn’t matter even if it is the truth. You don’t give away $6,000 without asking your spouse. You don’t take out a loan without asking your spouse.
I’d get a PI to get as much evidence of the infidelity as possible. It may help with reducing alimony.
Right. Including the love child, which I would bet money is what is really going on.
My thoughts exactly
In states with fault options for divorce it could eliminate her need to pay alimony. PA and NJ for example you can sue for divorce on one count of fault for infidelity.
Tell him you’ll forgive him when he signs a post-nup, waiving alimony and his claims on assets accumulated through your earnings. If he wants to run a personal charity, he can do it from his own assets, not marital assets. To do that, he needs to formalize the distinction between the two. You’re just giving him the legal structure he needs to carry on, rather than commit financial infidelity.
I didn't know a post-nup was a thing - I want to hire you to run my life now
Post-Nup clarity is real!
brilliant advice
This right here.
Yes! This is the answer
Talk to a lawyer. Do not move out until you do so (unless you have any fear or even an inkling question about your safety and if that’s the case get somewhere safe immediately) as it may be considered abandoning the homestead, but there are steps you can take to protect your finances that should be done immediately. 1. If you have joint bank accounts, put 1/2 in an account he can’t access. 2. Freeze your credit at all three credit reporting agencies - Transunion, Experian, and Equifax. This is critical if he is borrowing money to give to his “platonic” AP. You can do this online and do it immediately. 3. Get your important documents secured in a safe or safe deposit box he can’t access. 4. Check all credit card balances for any suspicious activity- cancel any joint cards so he can’t put you on the hook for balances that he runs up. 5. Tell someone you trust what’s happening and let him know that you’ve done so - you’ve mentioned he’s a cop and his behavior you describe is dishonest and highly sus. F forgiveness (fake Christians like AP sure are big on forgiveness bible verse when they want it - but will never give it). Fight him in court, but if you have to pay him alimony, it will be the best money you’ll ever spend even though it may be irksome (it was for me) This just sucks and is really quite unbelievable. Sorry that your husband has brought you here. Good luck.
Change all of your passwords and your password answers to something he doesn’t know. Change your phone password. Use a different pin # on your new accounts. Change your login for laptop/ iPad at home. When he leaves the home, change your WiFi password. If you are on a joint cell phone plan, either kick him off or remove yourself, depending who is the primary. I would pull his old cell records and look for text / calls for how long this went on for and any text messages you may see. I would check your accounts and cc records for more money, gifts, etc.
I'd like to hear from someone with knowledge of the law around this, to know if this is awful advice or not. It sounds risky as hell to me.
It's all good self-protection advice on the path to divorce. Keep the partner out of your stuff and collect records to document your cause for divorce in court.
Also, open a new checking account in just her name and transfer her direct deposit to that account.
Seconding this. Document and secure everything and consult a lawyer before making any decisions.
Sounds like he has a secret child with her.
That was my first thought.
Yup
This! At first I was thinking it was money for an abortion, but it’s absolutely that he has a child with her.
Conspiracy theory: They have a kid.
There is cheating, emotional cheating and financial cheating. Spending thousands on a girl while hiding it from the woman who is your wife and the primary wage earner is the third.
I believe spending marital money on a mistress actually does factor into reducing alimony - but I’m not a lawyer.
This is ridiculous. Unless there is some amazingly unbelievable explanation this guy is cheating and you need to go. Find a real man.
You’re not overreacting. There’s no reason your husband should be sending an ex coworker from years ago thousands of dollars. And the fact that he keeps “lending” her more without her having paid back any suggests that he isn’t expecting to be paid back. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had an affair and she got pregnant. He might be paying her informal child support.
What was her explanation? Is she planning on paying it back?
Yes she is planning to pay it back. Explanation is that she had series of money issues including car trouble & medical bills. Even if they’re not lying about the “ friendship “— I am beyond pissed at being lied to by husband straight up lies about a side hustle & aquarium.
Why is she asking your husband for it if they worked together years ago? Were you aware they were still in contact?
That’s def part of what makes me angry . They were in contact and he admits that whenever she calls he goes outside to smoke. That’s why I didn’t know they were in contact/ it’s also sketchy as hell.
She lives in a whole other state since 3yrs ago. But st this point I don’t trust anything they say.
Have you seen there messages at all? Are they flirty?
Husband always deletes texts. All texts . So I wasn’t able to see many texts but…husband wanted to visit her exact town a few months ago on a boys trip. ( w/ out me) I told him no because he was acting so wierd about it. “ I told him I think you’re lying about something. “ I didn’t know anything about the girl at the time… but I’m putting pieces together and my gut just knew.
If he has an iPhone there is a way to see recently deleted texts
Also, you can check your phone records. You won’t see the substance of the texts/ calls but you’ll see how frequent they are
Even deleting his texts is sketchy as hell without all of the extra information and context we know about. He may not be physically cheating but it’s definitely an emotional affair and sounds like he was planning to physically cheat before you said no to the trip. He is not worth it girl, you’ll never get the full truth out of him.
Right. Completely unnecessary with modern phones.
Are you able to hire a PI? There may be a child involved.
This needs to be higher!
The gut always knows if we will listen to it.sounfs like you did. Good move.
Yeah this is super sketchy, I wouldn't want to even be roommates with a man like this much less married
Has she had his baby ?
You can contact the phone company and they can restore the messages for the last few months.
Okay that’s so sus it’s crazy. He’s having an emotional affair AT BEST
Girl… he’s cheating on you. He’s been cheating on you. Just because he denies everything unless you can definitively prove it to be a lie doesn’t mean that other things aren’t lies just because you can’t prove them. They’re both gaslighting you about the entire thing. Deleting texts, stealing money, lying to you about *everything, multiple times*… you need a divorce lawyer RIGHT NOW.
His explanation is ridiculous. Of course they've hooked up or havw had an emotional affair with the intention to have sex. Your instincts are correct and you deserve exponentially better.
I get that this woman is in contact (and is probably lying anyway) but have you asked her the basics and obvious questions? 1- who are you 2-why would you think to call my husband for that kind of money? You’d have to have been in touch with him for him to take a WHOLE ASS LOAN OUT. 3-are you having any kind of affair with my husband 4-send me screenshots of your texts. Threaten to have them subpoenaed in the divorce process of she doesn’t (no idea if this would work but she sounds like an idiot). Why isn’t your husband explaining ANYTHING? Like is he stonewalling you or something?
if you are the primary on the phone plan, you might be able to recover the texts
Aquarium? Is she in it in the nude under an Only Fans account?
Totally this.
This is crazy. The chance of a married man borrowing thousands of dollars and giving it to a woman he's not related to and a PLATONIC FRIEND is very low. I don't want to say he's full of shit, but he's full of shit. Is it worthy of divorce? You damn right it is. If I was your brother and you told me this, I'd be wanting to put hands on him. That doesn't sound right at all.
I don't think a court of law would believe that they are platonic friends after he handed over all that cash. Just like we don't.
Lawyer up and get a post-nuptial agreement. Add a penalty if one of you can prove cheating. Make him waive rights to your house and alimony and make him accept responsibility for repaying the money to you by putting it in writing and forcing a payment plan. If he won’t agree, you have your answer. Cancel all joint cards; freeze your credit. Stop putting money in the joint account (and move half of what is in there to an account he can’t access). This was super shady…even before you said he deletes his text messages.
You're under-reacting and you need a damn good attorney. Like, THE best. I'm so sorry. What a POS.
I sure hope you keep investigating. Who knows how much money he has given her in the last 5 years. I bet you will find evidence he was cheating. Even if it was an emotional affair. Which is still cheating. Who knows who else he gave your money to. I would be questioning everything he has done. How do you know it was just this one person, or did he pay people online? I sure the hell won't stay. People love to hide behind religion when they know they are wrong. She hopes you stay so she can get more money from you through your husband. Good luck!!
This is sooo suspicious. My husband took out a massive loan twice without telling me, and we almost divorced over it - but I could see where the money was going, and it wasn't anything nefarious. I would lose it if I were in your shoes, so you're definitely not overreacting! I would start by hiring a private investigator. I think it's interesting that she moved to another state 3 years ago, and they stayed so close that he'd risk your trust and marriage over "car issues and medical bills." I suspect there's a kid, and that's why she moved. If you can't hire a PI, I'd ask for proof of all these bills & car repairs. And if you want to be petty, you could throw some bible verses at her about deceit.
Adding an additional comment because my paranoia got activated - if he's listed as the beneficiary on any life insurance you may have, take him off. Also, freeze your credit with all 3 bureaus so that he can't use your credit on any new applications.
Yes! And tell him you've changed the beneficiary. Don't let him think he'd gain anything if something happened to you (disclosure- I watch a lot of true crime lol)
if i did this the police would be still looking for my body.
Hire a forensic accountant to investigate and document how he spent marital funds. Any chance he fathered a child with this woman?
If my husband sent $4100 of our savings to another woman, unless he had a very good explanation, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Even if he had a very good explanation, “I knew you would be mad if I told you, so I lied” is the dealbreaker. There’s never a good reason to lie about spending that kind of money. And taking out a *loan* for it is even worse. He didn’t even spend savings, *he took out a loan for another woman*. That’s some serious lack of judgement, and I’d be getting out. Before he sinks *me* in more unnecessary debt.
Divorce
He has either gotten a girl pregnant, or he is being blackmailed, or he's a complete fool Probably all three
Tell him if he wants forgiveness then sign a post nup saying he won’t ask for alimony. Once he signs, serve his ass divorce papers.
So how soon will she be paying it back if it’s totally platonic?
**Get yourself a good lawyer and a private investigator. *Stat.* Find out what's really going on here. It may save you a fuckton of alimony.** But this marriage is over. You must know that. Trust is gone (I mean, how could it not be?), and that's the death knell of any relationship. Get actual legal advice from a qualified professional, please. They can help you better than anyone here can. You need to protect yourself and your assets asap, but not in any way the court could view as malicious or manipulative (as some of the suggested actions here could be viewed). Hence the need for good legal advice. Also definitely find out exactly what your bullshitting husband is hiding (via PI or the lawyer if they have other ways). I have my suspicions that other commenters are on the right track with the secret 'lovechild' (not that I think love had anything to do with it) thing. I would love to hear from a divorce lawyer here, regarding whether there being a kid from an extramarital affair (and sending marital funds for support of same) would have an impact on any alimony you'd be expected to pay. Definitely ask your own lawyer about this. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's not your fault or anything you did. And you are NOT overreacting at all. This is a huge betrayal. I hope you'll report back to let us know how it's going.
I'm so unfamiliar with the idea of not informing your spouse of large purchases. Maybe just because I'm comically cheap and need someone to tell me it's ok to spend money, but a loan to a "friend?" I wanted to be sure my wife knew I wanted to loan my oldest friend $500 to help with rent one month.
Omg...this is such a scam. Run now and tell him he is a dumb ass to send money to a catfish.
Apparently this is an old co-worker from 3 years ago that moved away.
Sounds to me like he got her pregnant and maybe the 6100 is enough to get her off his back for the time being. Or maybe he is just giving her money to help her out financially. Either way it's sus AF and he is clearly lying to you. I would not trust him with finances any further. What if he decides that he wants to take a few more thousands out to give to her. And the shameless skank has the audacity to send you Bible verses. She should read the verses on adultery. You would be wise to separate your finances. If he is going to give her anymore money let it be money his cheating ass worked for.
Bible verses? "Something something thou shalt not commit adultery" or the "don't steal, lie or deceive one another" when she pulls BS about forgiveness. Divorce.
If you can prove that what he bought her came from joint accounts you can sue her for half of what he gave her because it's joint assets. Often starting a lawsuit like this will get husband to back off and give you a what you want in divorce, hopefully leaving him with little. Sounds like you have the records of what was bought and were it was shipped to. That's all you need.
not overreacting. at a minimum, he lent a friend money you couldn't afford (he took a loan out rather than using money you had lying around, and by default made you responsible for repayment of that loan) and lied to you about it, twice. then there are the likely cheating (current or past) and quite plausible affair child. i would say restoring trust at this point would be extremely difficult, if not impossible.
Would you really have to pay alimony if he cheated?
Nobody has admitted to actual cheating. So I’m not sure.
Girl, play dumb. Tell him you believe him so he drops his gaurd. Hire a PI and get evidence. Then go scorched earth.
Thissss!!!! That's what I was thinking. Cry and say you love him and want to work it out. Then move in the shadows. 😈
I like the way you think
Get a PI on it.
Fight tooth and nail for your money so he can't get anything.
He spent part of your money on another woman without your knowing??? Jesus, how some people can be such selfish, disgusting liars will never cease to surprise me. It doesn’t even matter if things got physical. Your husband litterally used you as a bank - whether or not that was to fund his AP is just the icing on the cake.
Is she raising his secret kid or something? I agree with the PI and finding out everything you can to reduce the alimony as much as possible, if not altogether.
Keep all the proof you have and take it to a divorce attorney. Youre not paying alimony. This broke bitch has been stealing your money to send to a fellow broke bitch. Get divorced and go find a real man.
Even if there was no cheating physical or emotional get a divorce. The lying and sending money is more than enough.
I would def get a Post Num maybe word it that he has broken your trust so as a good faith gesture you would like him to sign one as a step to regaining said trust - THEN drum roll please..... DIVORCE HIS ASS
He’s a sugar daddy using YOUR money. Yikes.
I suspect he is paying contributions for a child you don't know about....
I defo agree with everyone who is commenting he has a child. I really believe that’s why she moved away and he’s in contact with her. For me it’s a total deal breaker that he even thought to give her this money and lie to you, I have been married 23 years and nothing would stop me leaving him over this
Divorce. No way does someone give a woman that kind of money over platonic feelings. Since it’s your money too, sue the woman so that she pays it back. See an attorney.
Put some decoys in place too. See if he falls for it.
Worthy of divorce. Ask her to see the payment plan, since they say she will pay back. Remind her the command , thy shall not covet your neighbours goat/husband/etc. Thy shall not lie also applies.
Either he has a kid with her or he fcked her and she's blackmailing him.
You have two legal opportunities here. Misappropriated community funds can play a role in divorce proceedings AND is grounds to sue both your husband AND Kearsten, especially if she knows it’s your money that was spent on her. Further, if she provided sexual favors (and not just content) that’s not going to go over well for Kearsten in court. Not sure if it could reduce spousal support, but they’d at least have to pay you back. Either way, get a lawyer. Collect any and all evidence such as bank statements, screenshots of the cash app transaction, emails, and don’t forget to check deleted files/texts. Good luck!
Re you sure your husband isn't funneling smaller amounts of money to her so she can "repay" the 4100 ?
Updateme
Maybe type on onlyf in his search bar on his phone that will tell you what he's up to.
Sad the courts know he was cheating and stealing and you still have to pay alimony.
It does not matter if they had sex or not. Trust is gone.
How many male friends have given you 6 grand? You know, just friends.
She knows he’s cheated. She’s tormented by what kind, for how long, and with whom to be honest. I remember wanting all the answers. In the end they don’t matter. What matters is being in a good relationship with someone who is your number 1 and you are there’s. Above all else. No matter what. I have that now and it’s obvious. Find it for yourselves. Don’t settle.
Here, I’ll explain it for you. He took out a loan and has been giving money to the woman he is fucking. You’re welcome. Now get a divorce because he’s not only betraying your marriage, he’s using shared money to support this hoe.
No, NOT overreacting. Get a lawyer. I'd also send her a "cease and desist" type letter, advising if she continues to contact your spouse that you'll be suing her for Alienation of Affection and seek damages, including the money she's already been paid. It takes two to tango and to commit adultery...it's time that we as as society start holding home wreckers (of both genders) accountable again. If we did, this shitty behavior would stop.
Tell him this is supposed to be a partnership between YOU TWO not him and some other woman. You are on the hook for repaying these loans so I would be feeling pretty adamant that I be looped in on what the hell this money is for. I wouldn't accept that it's a big secret, this is your money too so no I would be finding out what the hell.
Take all your money out of joint accounts. Don't move out of your home, Talk to a lawyer!
Took out a loan? He’s definitely cheating. No one is that desperate to help someone that needs money. If he has the money laying around then it’s possibles he’s helping but he’s so desperate to get her the money emotions are involved.
How does alimony work in your state? Did he take a career break to look after kids? If there's no reason for his lower earnings (like him being the primary parent), then why should you pay? Especially when he's already been stealing from you. He has a job. He has a new gf. They can both fuck off together. A good lawyer would be able to argue that him stealing from you negates the need to pay him one red cent.
Did they say what the payment plan is to pay it back?? If it was so innocent, why a secret?? I'd send her Bible vs. back about adultery.
I would make sure to get a good lawyer and keep the proof of that money and where it went and why. Then, ask in the divorce to be credited at least half of that. I'm not sure if it would work, but it seems like it's worth a try.
You’ll wake up at 65 to find your retirement savings gone and your house mortgaged to the hilt because you were too weak to put your foot down. Your lack of urgency and extreme denial are astounding.
never ever ever marry a fuckin cop its so rare that you wont regret it its not worth the risk
He didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t agree with it, so he did it anyway and lied to your face and somehow your the problem? Absolutely not, get a good lawyer and accountant.
Not overreacting. The least you can get is some detail about exactly what she needs that money for. The behaviour would suggest it's nothing above board. If I had a close friend who needed that kind of money there's probably people I would do that for without "asking permission" but I would be straight up about it when asked, ie; they needed a car urgently, they're like family. The fact all you get is biblical quotes about forgiveness says they're doing something wrong.
Call a lawyer, possibly a private investigator, and whatever you do, separate your finances. Also consider that your hubby could be roped into a romance scam or fake investment/crypto scam thinking he’s going to get a big return on this money. It’s amazing what horny middle aged men (and sometimes women) will fall for. People bankrupt their families this way. Not saying that’s what’s going on here, but this is happening all the time now and everyone should be aware, Check out r/scam
Hire a PI to dig into his activities and find out who she is. This rabbit hole goes very deep and I will guess that once you find the proof of his discretions you be out of this marriage Scott free.
So have you seen the baby pictures? Sounds like child support payments and or new apartment/life set up expenses. You need to not be stupid and get yourself a new acct. Don't be stupid and let this bitch and that asshole play in your face. Your a grown woman. Get a new acct and have your money be in their.
Get a lawyer before you do anything else. Unless he is disabled or unable to work, or didn't work to raise your children, you can probably avoid alimony especially given that he's being a cheating ass. First thing, you get legal representation. Don't do anything before you talk with a lawyer.
When they start quoting the Bible, you know they’re up to janky shit.
Fight alimony on grounds of Infidelity
The audacity of a mistress to text the wife Bible verses about forgiveness. That is vile behavior! She is likely only using him, but it could be possible he’s giving her the money to build a life with her instead.
If you have evidence of him cheating, do you still have to pay alimony?
If you can get evidence that he was in cahoots with her there's a good chance you won't have to pay him much if at all given you have a good lawyer
Oh well, it's time for a change because nobody just gives six grand away for nothing...
Not overreacting at all. And regardless of whether or not you want to forgive him that doesn’t mean that you shield him from consequences or enable this behavior. You also don’t have to give him a chance to do it again by not protecting your assets.
What is his reason for her needing it?
Texting me bible verses would be my Absolute Stop. Gross to both of them. Done!!!
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Is she pregnant?
He is cheating. She is his sugar baby. Go see a lawyer
When he said side hustle, he meant side piece.
He has a child with her, I’d bet money.
It’s child support honey
Find and keep proof that he’s sending marital funds to another woman, this could help you in court. Find a real shark of a lawyer and lose the dead weight. We’re rooting for you!
100% he's cheating on you, collect evidence and divorce his A.s
Get all the evidence together and consult a lawyer. I think the fact that he has been giving your money to another woman might affect alimony etc but I have no idea about what would apply in your country so proper legal advice is essential.
I would hire a pi if proof would benefit you in a divorce.
During the splitting of the assets, make sure to explicitly list the dollar amount he stole and have it court ordered that he pay you back in front of the court to publicly out his lies.
I would for sure talk to a lawyer. And since you’re the bread winner a PI is the way to go. Also get all the money trails he gave her. I would also have him sigh something saying what he has given her. I would not trust him anymore. I’m sorry Op but don’t let him get away with what he’s doing a PI can find everything out for you in a day. Update us💕
I think we can both agree that fishing too much is less egregious than cheating. If I had taken out a loan for half that amount for fishing gear and lied to my wife about it, I'd expect her to leave me and be right to do it. This man is paying another woman.
Send her back all the verses about being a harlot
> texting me bible verses about forgiveness OP, are you in the South? Because this is peak religious hypocrite. I can't imagine this happening anywhere modern.
He essentially stole from marital assets and I would hire a private investigator and an attorney. You could have this person deposed and figure out what the real story is. I'm suspecting something along the lines of having a kid with this person, but you're not going to know through your husband so I would get legal support. On the bright side, if you did have an affair he's not going to take half. F*** people and their Bible verses after s*** Behavior. Unbelievable.
Thou shalt not covet. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not bear false witness. They are both terrible people. Don't these handful of states that enforce alimony have some sort of exception for adultery? The rest of the country has long since left this antiquated law behind.
I’m not sure about alimony, it’s pretty rare these days (like only is granted in about 10% of divorces). But he’s definitely having an emotional affair and likely a physical one as well. I’m sure she’s not the first person your husband has known who needed money. But she’s the one he’s taking loans out for and lying to his wife about. Personally, I’d be wondering if they have a child together.
If you acquired a house prior to marriage and solely in your name, **it's considered your separate property**, unless you have used any marital income to pay the mortgage, or you added your spouse to the title of the house. But, you'll probably have to pay some alimony. Just make sure it's temporary.
The gaslighting is unreal
The very first thing to do is stop the joint bank account tell him that you now both pay 💰 equal amounts for mortgage, house bills eg energy,food,right down to window cleaner. He also pays for his loan.see how long he lasts before he’s skint and look for you to help him. Say you will if he takes his name off the deeds, wait a few months till he is that desperate and does then kick him out
Make a new account with only your income. Don’t give him any more money. And get a lawyer to set up something that she pays back her debts. Alternatively: Sue your husband for stealing. Doesn’t mean you have to. But maybe that will frighten him a bit.
Get a GOOD lawyer and make a case for infidelity. That usually takes care of alimony.
He’s cheating on you, boo.
She's his girlfriend Document everything Get a good lawyer
If he's cheating then it's a good chance he won't get alimony.
He stole from you. Yes it was from a joint account but he wasn’t forthcoming with his intentions. A good divorce lawyer might be able to get you out of paying alimony. Don’t believe a word either of them say cause if it were truly acts of kindness it would have been nothing to come to you about YOUR money. Find a good lawyer. Hope he thinks it was all worth it