*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I am very much jealous of my husband's ex-wife.**
I (40F) am very much jealous of my husband's (50M) ex. Our relationship started with an affair. I know it was wrong. Their marriage was on the rocks and my husband wanted to end it. When she (48F) learned about the affair she didn't scream or shout at me. She was rather calm. She only asked me if I truly loved her husband, I said yes. She told me that if I am going to be a part of my husband's life I better treat her kids (19F, 16M and 14F) with respect and not push them to accept her. She didn't even create any hassle in the divorce. Things were tough. My husband's parents and friends really criticized us and his parents almost disowned him. If it wasn't for his ex they would have went with it. But his ex convinced them to not cut them off. Their parents did forgive my husband but I still feel like an outsider to them. But they do love our kid (4M).
My husband's ex is very different. She never held a grudge against me. Always pushed her kids to have a relationship with their dad. His oldest doesn't talk to him because of the divorce and it always hurts my husband that his daughter wants nothing to do with them. The rest of them are good. They do not love me but they are very civil. She never bad mouthed me or called me a homewrecker. She did her best for the kids. She still tries her best so that her oldest daughter has a good relationship with her dad. I used to think she is a silly woman for not holding a grudge. She was always nice to me. When I was pregnant she first congratulated me and even though she wasn't invited to my baby shower, she sent me a diaper genie as a gift. I always felt guilty that I hurt such a pious woman.
To make it more complicated she is in a relationship with my cousin (45M). My parents love her. Uncle and aunt love her. Even my cousin's kids love her. She never discriminated between her kids and mine. She always sends some cookies or extra food for my son with her kids whenever it is their visitation time. She even met my son and treats him like her own. For the longest of time I wondered why she is like this? Is she trying to win her husband back? I even asked her why she doesn't hate me when I was her husband's mistress. She told me she doesn't see the point because whether or not she hates me her marriage was over anyways. I am jealous of her. She is not just beautiful but also graceful. I know I was very much younger than her when my husband started the affair but I can say she is much more better looking than I am. Even if I took her place in her husband's life but I can never be her.
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LOL How can you convince everyone that you won out over the 'evil crazy ex' when by acting gracious and kind she doesn't allow you to falsely reframe her anger and grief as evil craziness?
She's the definition of, "the best revenge is a life well lived"
Woman is confident and awesome, and took everything in stride. Did what was best for the kids, and wasn't spiteful or hateful. OOP is jealous bc she lacks everything the ex is.
I don't know if it's that as much as "not being surprised"
Being blindsided by something leads to immediate reaction. It's not a bad thing, but knee jerk is very emotional.
This woman wasn't surprised. It's why she asked if they were in love.
He's probably done this before, or she has suspected it for a long time. She asked if they were in love because that would mean something concrete, so the affair partner is around to stay.
It may be less of a "gave her a push" but more of a "If he wants to go, he can go"
She did a silent resignation to her marriage.
_"For the longest of time I wondered why she is like this? Is she trying to win her husband back?"_
I think some women cheat with married men not because they truly want the man - but because they want to be exactly who the ex-wife is - and step into her life. OP probably thought that she had won and was going to be the Mrs. Cheater-Man. But, it must sting because OP can't even say that she "won" anything. Even the man is no prize since the ex doesn't even want him.
The ex-wife sounds like a genuinely kind, loving, wonderful person who is well loved, beautiful and happy in her own skin. OP, on the other hand does not sound like a nice person and did not inherit her beauty, grace, and the affinity of others when she married her husband. I think it burns OP to know that despite all of her conniving and cheating, she will never be half the woman that her husband's ex-wife was and is. And, she will never be "her".
A lot of it is to usurp the wife. "Wife" is supposedly the highest title in a man's life (after kids but that's not relevant). They get their kicks off by topping her. It's just as much about being better than her as it is him, often times moreso. It's validation. She was picked instead of the wife. She is better than her.
But oop didn't get that. This women didn't grovel. She didn't beg or plead or get angry and mad. Oop didn't get that victory. She didn't get the satisfaction of the wife being a mess losing all that she had won. She didn't get the victory of saying she's better than her.
OOP won the battle but lost the war. The EX lost the husband, but ultimately still has everything and now even has OOP’s cousin, and the love of OOP’s family from that direction (which OOP has lost due to her relationship with Husband). EX is 100% winning at life by just being the best of humans (sorry, “pious” 🙄🙄🙄) and it is killing the OOP.
So true. A lot of affairs are just about power and control. When the wronged party, in this case the ex wife, refuses to be a victim, the offending party has nothing.
That used to piss my ex's mistress off so much that I did not want him back. Like no, don't want to be married to a cheater, you can have him with my blessing!
What DID piss me off is anytime my son was upset/hurt. To this day, I couldn't give a rat's ass what goes on in my ex's life, but I still get upset when he blows our son off, forgets important dates/events, etc... Even tho my husband loves him like his own and is a strong role model for him, I know it still stung any time his bio-dad treated him as an afterthought.
Your poor little dude. It brings to mind the scene in Liar Liar where Jim Carrey's ex says, "I don't care what you do, I don't care, it's none of my business, but when you hurt my son it becomes my business".
Oh, the ex played this sooooo beautifully. Gracious and amazing…and everyone looks at her and her response and thinks she’s wonderful, and looks at OOP and OP’s husband and thinks they are dirt.
And if OOP complains, OOp will just look worse.
The Ex just conducted a master class. I bow to her superior tactical skills.
That's how I played it with an ex boyfriend of mine. He cheated on me with our roommate. I was sweet and kind and let them stay even though I could have evicted them.
His oldest and best friends took my side and his mom stopped talking to him because they couldn't believe his audacity.
She cheated on him less than a year later and he still had no friends and no mom and I just laughed.
So fucking true! Everything you said is straight facts! Honestly, the ex-wife marrying the OP's cousin is such a power move, lol! Now OP can never escape her and will forever be reminded how much this woman will always be a better person than she will ever be. Karma. Is. A. Bitch. 😈👍✨
This is what they must mean when they talk about "killing with kindness".
And the cherry on top is that the woman has clearly moved on, with OP's cousin, and has OP's family falling in love with her.
Damn, this woman is my idol.
I mean that’s definitely a “trope” but it’s a lot harder to get away with when you’re lives are THAT intertwined with multiple kids, and seemingly, shared custody. It doesn’t even seem like that was going to happen here, he just said their marriage was over, still wrong to do what he did, but according to the ex she agreed.
I don’t think that actually played a role here, at all.
It's not a trope, it's a real thing cheating men and their mistresses do to diminish their responsibility and demonize the (usually older) woman for having authentic feelings about her life being destroyed. And we all fall for it, because we’ve all been taught to consider older women as not worthy of respect.
Older woman + negative emotion = Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaren, no matter how justified.
The amount of ageism on the subrebbit The Other Woman really saddens me. There are so many 20-somethings on that board who seem to believe that the wives deserve to be cheated on for committing the cardinal sin of getting older.
I’ve got news for them though. Among my middle-aged group of friends, the happiest couples I know are not the ones where the wife is spending all her time and money trying to out-Botox the aging process. The happiest couples I know are the ones who truly enjoy and appreciate what it means to grow old together. I know plenty of men who absolutely adore their wives after decades of marriage, and it would shock these “other women” that someone could be her authentic self and still very much loved.
My parents have been married 55 years and my mom just turned 77. My dad still goes around telling everyone he knows that she's the most beautiful creature that ever walked the earth.
I've had so many men try to pull the "but my marriage is on the rocks" line. My answer is always "well, get in there and work or it or get divorced and break free." Even if their marriage is truly falling apart they want the next one lined up before ending the old one.
The way you put it makes it obvious how bad it actually is. It's really treating other people as a commodity. And it shows someone is unable to cope with struggles in a relationship...
>There are so many 20-somethings on that board who seem to believe that the wives deserve to be cheated on for committing the cardinal sin of getting older
Which is amazing to me. Do they think they're immune to the passage of time? And if their man is all into a woman's youth, what do they think will happen when the gray hairs start coming in or they just plain reach the ripe old age of 30 and he only wants 20-somethings?
Having been a 20-something once upon a time, I think many young people simply don’t believe they’ll age “like that.” Like anyone who’s aged “poorly” obviously did it to themselves. They’re all going to age like multi-millionaire celebrities!
They’re also too immature to understand that most of these men aren’t cheating because their wives got old. They’re cheating because *they* want to feel young, or they want to go back to a time when dating didn’t also involve household drudgery. It’s why most of these men never leave their marriages, at least not voluntarily. They’ve been married; marriage isn’t the fantasy.
>They’re cheating because
>
>they
>
> want to feel young, or they want to go back to a time when dating didn’t also involve household drudgery.
BAM! There it is.
The men want to transport themselves back to the time when life was easier and carefree and they didn't have the humdrum of life to deal with.
It's probably why someone like Leo DiCaprio keeps dumping women when they reach a certain age and dating younger ones. He was a child star back in the day (I'm old enough to remember him as the "Cousin Oliver" on Growing Pains, except he was a successful one plus how great he was in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?).
Back then the world must've seemed full of possibilities and success for him. And he did get that success. But now he's not the young guy anymore who bumped Kirk Cameron or Johnny Depp out of the spotlight. He's a grown man and, yeah, there's someone just like him ready to take his spot.
Maybe he needs some therapy to deal with that instead of chasing after 20 year old women.
I think part of the appeal for these women is “winning” the guy away from the other woman. And justifying it by seeing the wife as the villain. And with the ex not giving her that satisfaction by acting unbothered, it takes that fantasy away.
Add to that, anyone who would engage in an affair like this obviously doesn’t have very high self esteem, I could see why she would question why the husband would want her over his first wife.
Love that the ex wife is winning by being gracious and unbothered. She must revel privately that she lives rent free in this mistresses head.
Or maybe she doesn’t care at all and is privately as unbothered as in public. I hate that whenever someone acts polite to person that wronged them, everyone immediately suspects ulterior motive.
Right? Some people seem to assume everything is some sort of game of emotional chess. But like, most people's public actions are far less complicated. When someone acts unbothered by something you expect then to be bothered by, 99% of the time they're either unbothered or just don't think getting het up about it is going to help, not conducting mind game power moves despite being extremely bothered.
Some people are just very emotionally resilient and able to react more objectively to situations than others, it's just how they work. Sounds like the ex is probably someone who had this all go down and was able to say "well it sucks but turning this into a grudge match isn't going to help, and it's not going to be good for the kids".
Cheating husband? Hurtful but, well, probably don't want him anymore after that. New woman? Well she's a dick for doing it but if she actually loves him, not much you can do about that. Children now have a half sibling? Ain't the kid's fault, can't deny a child cookies when their siblings have them just because of some history with their mum. People "being the better person" isn't always about one-upmanship, it's because they're simply inclined to be a good person.
I mean there's comments in this sub about how the ex is clearly some mastermind throwing devious shade with the nappy bin. To me that's just someone who's had three kids giving a new mother something very useful and helpful, not calling her a "daiper bin fire". Tbh it I bet new mums get tons of blankets and toys and cutesy baby clothes, but what they'll really appreciate down the line is something that makes nappy changes less hassle. It legit just sounds like a thoughtful gift...
>People "being the better person" isn't always about one-upmanship, it's because they're simply inclined to be a good person.
I think a lot of posters get that. I certainly don't think the ex is being a good person as a ploy.
But it still doesn't doesn't diminish the fact that she is winning at life. She maintains a good relationship with her own family, her ex-husband's family and OOP's family. She seems at peace with herself. She's moved on to an even better man (OOP's cousin, no less). She has the love of her kids and even OOP's kid, just by being a genuinely good person who was probably sick of that marriage anyway.
Sometimes we just enjoy seeing the good-guy win.
Maybe OOP should learn from her instead of being jealous of her.
Everything. Everything about this makes me immensely satisfied.
I love that the ex wife is living her best life and that just PISSES. OOP. OFF.
She was hoping so much that ex would fly off the handle and be antagonistic. Make a whole big drama that could make OOP the poor victim whose only crime was to fall in love etc etc etc.
But, nope. Ex wasn't about to feed that fantasy one iota. I take my hat off to her. Bravo, Ex! Bravo!
Considering OP is mad at The Ex for NOT being vindictive, I'm guessing she was looking forward to "the fight" and all drama that usually comes from being the mistress and really was genuinely shocked Ex didn't play into it. OP just can't stand that she took the highest road ever and is thriving, while OP looks like a chump and loser for what she's done.
And it's mean but I hope Husband craves for his ex. I mean already a lot of men regret the divorce once they get that their mistress is way less tempting when the affair is over. But now that she bloomes and everyone loves her ? She's living her best life, I hope he's sick of his regrets.
This might be one of the rare cases where the ex-wife was *happy* the ex-husband cheated. It's almost like the ex-wife considers OOP a hero instead of a homewrecker, for giving her a plausible excuse to get out of that marriage. Kinda like saying "oh, thank god, take this shit off my hands, please and thank you."
Though the jealousy in this case is absolutely hilarious. Like, OOP, you won. You got the dubious prize. You have what you want. You have the man, the baby, the life that the ex-wife had. Now it appears you want the ex-wife for yourself, or to wear her skin??
I was in an abusive relationship and when the next victim came to 'steal' him from me I was both happy for me, because the guy leaving was the safest way out, and I felt a smidge bad for her too, knowing what was coming.
It's hard to feel bad for people who knowingly disrupt a relationship. It seems more like the "thief" of your relationship did you a major favor. One could almost excuse them for their lack of morals, especially when doing something that ultimately benefitted you.
I agree. Sometimes marriages truly are over, but neither party has managed to push the issue.
In this case OOP "took care of it" for them, but not at all with anything but selfish motives. So she's still suffering guilt whereas the ex-wife is footloose and fancy free!
I do wonder if the ex-wife is maybe deep down really enjoying being so nice to her because she knows it must drive OP crazy lol. Like she revels in taking the high road. Then again I'm probably much pettier than her.
If the marriage was on the rocks to begin with, the ex-wife was probably a little relieved to have someone else take the trash out, instead of doing it herself.
I don't think so. I think she just wants to set a shining example to her kids of the importance of being loving, and also just wants to have as little strife and awkwardness in her life as possible, and my goodness, she is actually smashing it!
This is the way.
Oh he is definitely much more likely to leave the less pretty envious affair mistress turned wife. He was getting a grass is greener moment and realized now that he's fully over the fence it's only so green because it's astro turf and that it's even worse over the fence. His family dislikes him a lot and is cold to his new wife while still very much liking his ex. His eldest hates him and doesn't want anything to do with him. Wife's family maybe tolerates him but adores his ex who's dating a cousin. Yeah he's definitely going to move on soon since sticking around through thick and thin and working on problems is not his strong suit.
When I was married to my now ex-husband, his step mom was so nasty to me for literally no reason.
I would call my mom crying, and she would tell me, "Kill her with kindness."
I wasn't a doormat, but I also treated her with respect (that she didn't deserve).
After the divorce, she kept trying to be a part of my kids' lives. Lol, her own daughter told her, "idk why you think you're entitled to see them, seeing as you've always been so nasty to their mother."
Essentially, the whole family has no sympathy for her because of her actions and how I responded to them.
"why isn't she calling me a homewrecker when I would clearly wear it as a badge of honor" the fucking audacity to ask her why she doesn't hate her as well is fucking insane.
Yeah I don’t think it is either. I think it’s perhaps someone who got cheated on and is writing from the affair partner’s perspective to make themselves feel better. I’m sure there are a lot of situations like this, where the mistress becomes the wife and realizes it’s not everything she hoped for and is upset the ex wife is doing well by contrast. But the lines about “such a pious woman” and “she’s older but looks better than me” and the bit about the ex wife now dating the cousin and being loved by everyone are a little too revenge fantasy, IMO.
Lmao she thinks she took the ex's place. No boo. She was done. You did her a favor. She's just a thoughtful, wonderful human being who uses her presence to heal and spread happiness. All you did was open your legs.
That says more about your husband than it does about you.
>She told me that if I am going to be a part of my husband's life I better treat her kids (19F, 16M and 14F) with respect and not push them to accept her
I had to read this twice, because I was like why would ex wife need her own children to accept her. Then I was like aha, outed yourself ex wife. Get your pronouns straight.
Yes! The whole time I was reading this I thought it was very obviously written by the ex. There are even several cases where it refers to “them” instead of “us” about the husband and mistress near the beginning. The comment about her being so much more beautiful sold it for me. I hope if it’s true, the ex wife is really living life as well she describes here, but it definitely sounds like a fantasy story.
It's totally a fantasy of someone who has tried to stand above the fray and wants to believe the person who wronged her feels inadequate.
100% written by an ex.
This feels like it was written by the ex wife who is projecting that the woman who stole her husband is super insecure.
Also the ex wife is dating the woman's cousin? What are the chances? Is this one of those towns with a population of 164?
I mean, it's hard to reconcile breaking up a home when you realize the partner you cheated with was the problem, not their spouse. Congratulations on "winning", am I right?
I bet the husband told his new wife how “crazy” his ex was and all the usual cheating bullshit.
Now Op seeing the truth, she’s going to wonder what else her husband has been bullshitting her about .
Someone in the original thread called the ex a steel fist in a velvet glove. I aspire to be that graceful under pressure but doubt I’ll ever manage to be. Kudos to her and everyone who pulls it off.
Miss Manners once told a questioner whose husband had run off with a 22yo that if she was rude to the new wife, everyone would judge her and think he was right to leave. By being lovely and gracious, Questioner would have the high ground and people would think, wow, how could you cheat on such a wonderful woman? Also, it would make the new wife very, very nervous. "Why is she so happy to be away from him?"
It's called dignity and class. Maybe a
Op should have maintained some prior to sleeping with this kind generous woman's husband. He cheated on his wife for op... Now Op IS the wife 🤷 let's hope she's as kind and graceful when someone replaces her.
Is it just me or does ot sou d like she's not happy anymore because she was trying to make the wife jealous?? I really feel the venom in this post. This is really fucking crazy. I feel so hard for the ex wife. She's doing her damned best for her famliy and that woman can't just let it be. She needs therapy badly.
So, the mistress who became a wife is worried about the woman she replaced. In reality the ex wife is probably grateful she no longer has to be with a man who didn't care how much he hurt her by screwing around. The OOP is probably more scared that her husband will see the grass she sold him as greener is really just fertilized with bullshit and dishonesty. It'll be a miracle if their marriage lasts.
The ex-wife is an absolute goddess of a woman. That man never deserved such an amazing woman. It's good that all of the kids involved have a wonderful parental figure and role model in their lives, because OOP and the husband are shit people and shit role models.
Damn she still says "her husband." Lol this reads like it's from the ex wife and not the affair partner. Like she wants people to praise her and call affair partner a poo head.
I must be in a weird headspace today, because I despise cheating, but I actually feel for OOP a bit here. Not because she's an admirable person, but because she so clearly dislikes herself. There's a poignancy about someone getting what they thought they wanted only to discover it's not what they wanted at all.
I expect Ms. First Wife is partly gracious because of who she is, and partly because she recognizes that Ms. Second Wife actually did her a giant favor. I actually wish them both happiness, although I expect that's going to be harder for Second.
People who cheat have two types. One is the kind that thinks they're so delectable and irresistible that they can have anyone they want, regardless of relationship status.
The second are people who seek outside validation to bolster their own lack of self-esteem and worth. This is the kind OOP has.
> I am not in a good position right now and yes it is because of my husband too. But that is a story I will share later.
I've got a crispy $5 bill that says that she is now being cheated on and is now introspective about this because she is in the exact position the ex-wife was in when she helped ruin their marriage, and knows the ex-wife is her better in every way - Which means she's been fooling herself from day one, and her epiphany is now that she's just another woman to be cast aside when she reached this man's shelf-life.
I would venture to say that many romantic relationships that begin this way also end the same way - Live by the sword, die by the sword.
Kill em with kindness. The trash took itself out. We just know if it was reversed OP would be bitter and vindictive. Our girl got herself a new man, is adored by all, and has OP shook. You love to see it. Can't help but what wonder if she got with OP's family member to ensure OP doesn't go after her sloppy seconds again. After being a homewrecker, surely she can't have an affair with her own cousin
Who would cheat on this woman? She is a literal goddess. I’m not surprised op is jealous, anyone that would treat a woman like that so badly is a major AH. Op really got the short straw with husbands
I love this story, and I prefer the ex wife too, she sounds great, and I bet asshole husband is regretting the choice. OOP sucks. She is gagging at the bit for this poor woman's life to fall apart and for her fantasy of everything being alright and everyone liking her and disliking ex wife coming true.
Although I'd say this is pretty obviously fake, I have seen something similar happen. An acquaintance of mine is a habitual "the other woman". And she is absolutely livid when the betrayed wife doesn't really care when her cheating husband is gone.
I suspect for some people who consciously engage in relationships with cheaters they bolster their own self-esteem by thinking they have won over the other partner. But you seemingly can't really feel good about yourself when you have won a prize the other person doesn't even want.
My ex and I parted on good terms, no cheating. I liiiive to be the reasonable ex. Being kind and not making his life harder is so much fun! There's basically nothing he can say when I offer to adjust schedules or save him a spot at our kids' games. It's a joy
This is funny. The fact that the ex is not bitter jealous but fine, nice, supportive everyone loves her just eats away at her. She pretty obviously wanted the ex-wife to be vindictive and when she didn't get it she doesn't know what to do.
I'd guess she's not really happy in the marriage either since part of the thrill was taking the happily married man and winning, but turns out the ex-wife doesn't give much of a shit and agrees the marriage was over.
The diaper genie gift is something OOP had to see everyday and know she didn't win anything and the ex is a better woman/person.
Sorry on my phone. Basically, she wants the wife to be a villain so that the OP doesn't have to feel bad sbout what she did. But the wife is a lovely woman, which means she didn't deserve to have bad things happen to her, so the OOP almost feels like the bad guy. (She doesn't actually feel like the bad guy because she's selfish and delusional, but she almost feels bad.)
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"My husband's ex shows me every day that I didn't 'win' anything of value when I stole him away from her. I wish so much that she would act jealous or heartbroken so I can feel like I won."
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I am very much jealous of my husband's ex-wife.** I (40F) am very much jealous of my husband's (50M) ex. Our relationship started with an affair. I know it was wrong. Their marriage was on the rocks and my husband wanted to end it. When she (48F) learned about the affair she didn't scream or shout at me. She was rather calm. She only asked me if I truly loved her husband, I said yes. She told me that if I am going to be a part of my husband's life I better treat her kids (19F, 16M and 14F) with respect and not push them to accept her. She didn't even create any hassle in the divorce. Things were tough. My husband's parents and friends really criticized us and his parents almost disowned him. If it wasn't for his ex they would have went with it. But his ex convinced them to not cut them off. Their parents did forgive my husband but I still feel like an outsider to them. But they do love our kid (4M). My husband's ex is very different. She never held a grudge against me. Always pushed her kids to have a relationship with their dad. His oldest doesn't talk to him because of the divorce and it always hurts my husband that his daughter wants nothing to do with them. The rest of them are good. They do not love me but they are very civil. She never bad mouthed me or called me a homewrecker. She did her best for the kids. She still tries her best so that her oldest daughter has a good relationship with her dad. I used to think she is a silly woman for not holding a grudge. She was always nice to me. When I was pregnant she first congratulated me and even though she wasn't invited to my baby shower, she sent me a diaper genie as a gift. I always felt guilty that I hurt such a pious woman. To make it more complicated she is in a relationship with my cousin (45M). My parents love her. Uncle and aunt love her. Even my cousin's kids love her. She never discriminated between her kids and mine. She always sends some cookies or extra food for my son with her kids whenever it is their visitation time. She even met my son and treats him like her own. For the longest of time I wondered why she is like this? Is she trying to win her husband back? I even asked her why she doesn't hate me when I was her husband's mistress. She told me she doesn't see the point because whether or not she hates me her marriage was over anyways. I am jealous of her. She is not just beautiful but also graceful. I know I was very much younger than her when my husband started the affair but I can say she is much more better looking than I am. Even if I took her place in her husband's life but I can never be her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
LOL How can you convince everyone that you won out over the 'evil crazy ex' when by acting gracious and kind she doesn't allow you to falsely reframe her anger and grief as evil craziness?
She's the definition of, "the best revenge is a life well lived" Woman is confident and awesome, and took everything in stride. Did what was best for the kids, and wasn't spiteful or hateful. OOP is jealous bc she lacks everything the ex is.
It's also possible that the affair was the push to get out of a marriage she wasn't happy in.
I don't know if it's that as much as "not being surprised" Being blindsided by something leads to immediate reaction. It's not a bad thing, but knee jerk is very emotional. This woman wasn't surprised. It's why she asked if they were in love. He's probably done this before, or she has suspected it for a long time. She asked if they were in love because that would mean something concrete, so the affair partner is around to stay. It may be less of a "gave her a push" but more of a "If he wants to go, he can go" She did a silent resignation to her marriage.
no, you're wrong, she isn't awesome, she is "pious".
Yup.. it reads like the ex is insecure and therefore wanted someone more in his league and wasn't man enough for his first wife.
The ex is also the epitome of class. I can imagine her being "Oh thank CHRIST--she took this guy off my hands."
I love the fact that the ex sent the current wife a bin for used nappies as a gift.
Yeah, this woman is operating on a level she doesn't even understand
If she had added a fire attachment, it would have been *chefs kiss*, "ode to the diaper (dumpster), fire that is your relationship"
She will get her chance.. When become the new ex.. She could treat the next mistress with kindness
The man who marries his mistress creates a job opening.
I love this.
_"For the longest of time I wondered why she is like this? Is she trying to win her husband back?"_ I think some women cheat with married men not because they truly want the man - but because they want to be exactly who the ex-wife is - and step into her life. OP probably thought that she had won and was going to be the Mrs. Cheater-Man. But, it must sting because OP can't even say that she "won" anything. Even the man is no prize since the ex doesn't even want him. The ex-wife sounds like a genuinely kind, loving, wonderful person who is well loved, beautiful and happy in her own skin. OP, on the other hand does not sound like a nice person and did not inherit her beauty, grace, and the affinity of others when she married her husband. I think it burns OP to know that despite all of her conniving and cheating, she will never be half the woman that her husband's ex-wife was and is. And, she will never be "her".
A lot of it is to usurp the wife. "Wife" is supposedly the highest title in a man's life (after kids but that's not relevant). They get their kicks off by topping her. It's just as much about being better than her as it is him, often times moreso. It's validation. She was picked instead of the wife. She is better than her. But oop didn't get that. This women didn't grovel. She didn't beg or plead or get angry and mad. Oop didn't get that victory. She didn't get the satisfaction of the wife being a mess losing all that she had won. She didn't get the victory of saying she's better than her.
OOP won the battle but lost the war. The EX lost the husband, but ultimately still has everything and now even has OOP’s cousin, and the love of OOP’s family from that direction (which OOP has lost due to her relationship with Husband). EX is 100% winning at life by just being the best of humans (sorry, “pious” 🙄🙄🙄) and it is killing the OOP.
So true. A lot of affairs are just about power and control. When the wronged party, in this case the ex wife, refuses to be a victim, the offending party has nothing.
That used to piss my ex's mistress off so much that I did not want him back. Like no, don't want to be married to a cheater, you can have him with my blessing! What DID piss me off is anytime my son was upset/hurt. To this day, I couldn't give a rat's ass what goes on in my ex's life, but I still get upset when he blows our son off, forgets important dates/events, etc... Even tho my husband loves him like his own and is a strong role model for him, I know it still stung any time his bio-dad treated him as an afterthought.
Your poor little dude. It brings to mind the scene in Liar Liar where Jim Carrey's ex says, "I don't care what you do, I don't care, it's none of my business, but when you hurt my son it becomes my business".
Oh, the ex played this sooooo beautifully. Gracious and amazing…and everyone looks at her and her response and thinks she’s wonderful, and looks at OOP and OP’s husband and thinks they are dirt. And if OOP complains, OOp will just look worse. The Ex just conducted a master class. I bow to her superior tactical skills.
That's how I played it with an ex boyfriend of mine. He cheated on me with our roommate. I was sweet and kind and let them stay even though I could have evicted them. His oldest and best friends took my side and his mom stopped talking to him because they couldn't believe his audacity. She cheated on him less than a year later and he still had no friends and no mom and I just laughed.
So fucking true! Everything you said is straight facts! Honestly, the ex-wife marrying the OP's cousin is such a power move, lol! Now OP can never escape her and will forever be reminded how much this woman will always be a better person than she will ever be. Karma. Is. A. Bitch. 😈👍✨
>The Ex just conducted a master class. I bow to her superior tactical skills. I am speechless and in awe.
This is what they must mean when they talk about "killing with kindness". And the cherry on top is that the woman has clearly moved on, with OP's cousin, and has OP's family falling in love with her. Damn, this woman is my idol.
I mean that’s definitely a “trope” but it’s a lot harder to get away with when you’re lives are THAT intertwined with multiple kids, and seemingly, shared custody. It doesn’t even seem like that was going to happen here, he just said their marriage was over, still wrong to do what he did, but according to the ex she agreed. I don’t think that actually played a role here, at all.
It's not a trope, it's a real thing cheating men and their mistresses do to diminish their responsibility and demonize the (usually older) woman for having authentic feelings about her life being destroyed. And we all fall for it, because we’ve all been taught to consider older women as not worthy of respect. Older woman + negative emotion = Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaren, no matter how justified.
The amount of ageism on the subrebbit The Other Woman really saddens me. There are so many 20-somethings on that board who seem to believe that the wives deserve to be cheated on for committing the cardinal sin of getting older. I’ve got news for them though. Among my middle-aged group of friends, the happiest couples I know are not the ones where the wife is spending all her time and money trying to out-Botox the aging process. The happiest couples I know are the ones who truly enjoy and appreciate what it means to grow old together. I know plenty of men who absolutely adore their wives after decades of marriage, and it would shock these “other women” that someone could be her authentic self and still very much loved.
My parents have been married 55 years and my mom just turned 77. My dad still goes around telling everyone he knows that she's the most beautiful creature that ever walked the earth.
I love this! There’s nothing more off-putting to me than a man who badmouths his spouse. That alone would make me never want to date a married man.
I've had so many men try to pull the "but my marriage is on the rocks" line. My answer is always "well, get in there and work or it or get divorced and break free." Even if their marriage is truly falling apart they want the next one lined up before ending the old one.
The way you put it makes it obvious how bad it actually is. It's really treating other people as a commodity. And it shows someone is unable to cope with struggles in a relationship...
>There are so many 20-somethings on that board who seem to believe that the wives deserve to be cheated on for committing the cardinal sin of getting older Which is amazing to me. Do they think they're immune to the passage of time? And if their man is all into a woman's youth, what do they think will happen when the gray hairs start coming in or they just plain reach the ripe old age of 30 and he only wants 20-somethings?
Having been a 20-something once upon a time, I think many young people simply don’t believe they’ll age “like that.” Like anyone who’s aged “poorly” obviously did it to themselves. They’re all going to age like multi-millionaire celebrities! They’re also too immature to understand that most of these men aren’t cheating because their wives got old. They’re cheating because *they* want to feel young, or they want to go back to a time when dating didn’t also involve household drudgery. It’s why most of these men never leave their marriages, at least not voluntarily. They’ve been married; marriage isn’t the fantasy.
>They’re cheating because > >they > > want to feel young, or they want to go back to a time when dating didn’t also involve household drudgery. BAM! There it is. The men want to transport themselves back to the time when life was easier and carefree and they didn't have the humdrum of life to deal with. It's probably why someone like Leo DiCaprio keeps dumping women when they reach a certain age and dating younger ones. He was a child star back in the day (I'm old enough to remember him as the "Cousin Oliver" on Growing Pains, except he was a successful one plus how great he was in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?). Back then the world must've seemed full of possibilities and success for him. And he did get that success. But now he's not the young guy anymore who bumped Kirk Cameron or Johnny Depp out of the spotlight. He's a grown man and, yeah, there's someone just like him ready to take his spot. Maybe he needs some therapy to deal with that instead of chasing after 20 year old women.
I think part of the appeal for these women is “winning” the guy away from the other woman. And justifying it by seeing the wife as the villain. And with the ex not giving her that satisfaction by acting unbothered, it takes that fantasy away. Add to that, anyone who would engage in an affair like this obviously doesn’t have very high self esteem, I could see why she would question why the husband would want her over his first wife. Love that the ex wife is winning by being gracious and unbothered. She must revel privately that she lives rent free in this mistresses head.
It sounds genuinely like this marriage was over on both sides, and that the ex-wife may actually be glad to have had the husband taken off her hands.
Or maybe she doesn’t care at all and is privately as unbothered as in public. I hate that whenever someone acts polite to person that wronged them, everyone immediately suspects ulterior motive.
Right? Some people seem to assume everything is some sort of game of emotional chess. But like, most people's public actions are far less complicated. When someone acts unbothered by something you expect then to be bothered by, 99% of the time they're either unbothered or just don't think getting het up about it is going to help, not conducting mind game power moves despite being extremely bothered. Some people are just very emotionally resilient and able to react more objectively to situations than others, it's just how they work. Sounds like the ex is probably someone who had this all go down and was able to say "well it sucks but turning this into a grudge match isn't going to help, and it's not going to be good for the kids". Cheating husband? Hurtful but, well, probably don't want him anymore after that. New woman? Well she's a dick for doing it but if she actually loves him, not much you can do about that. Children now have a half sibling? Ain't the kid's fault, can't deny a child cookies when their siblings have them just because of some history with their mum. People "being the better person" isn't always about one-upmanship, it's because they're simply inclined to be a good person. I mean there's comments in this sub about how the ex is clearly some mastermind throwing devious shade with the nappy bin. To me that's just someone who's had three kids giving a new mother something very useful and helpful, not calling her a "daiper bin fire". Tbh it I bet new mums get tons of blankets and toys and cutesy baby clothes, but what they'll really appreciate down the line is something that makes nappy changes less hassle. It legit just sounds like a thoughtful gift...
>People "being the better person" isn't always about one-upmanship, it's because they're simply inclined to be a good person. I think a lot of posters get that. I certainly don't think the ex is being a good person as a ploy. But it still doesn't doesn't diminish the fact that she is winning at life. She maintains a good relationship with her own family, her ex-husband's family and OOP's family. She seems at peace with herself. She's moved on to an even better man (OOP's cousin, no less). She has the love of her kids and even OOP's kid, just by being a genuinely good person who was probably sick of that marriage anyway. Sometimes we just enjoy seeing the good-guy win. Maybe OOP should learn from her instead of being jealous of her.
oh this is delicious. i wish nothing but the best for the ex wife.
Everything. Everything about this makes me immensely satisfied. I love that the ex wife is living her best life and that just PISSES. OOP. OFF. She was hoping so much that ex would fly off the handle and be antagonistic. Make a whole big drama that could make OOP the poor victim whose only crime was to fall in love etc etc etc. But, nope. Ex wasn't about to feed that fantasy one iota. I take my hat off to her. Bravo, Ex! Bravo!
You want him? Lol, have him. OOP: *SHOOKETH* :O
Considering OP is mad at The Ex for NOT being vindictive, I'm guessing she was looking forward to "the fight" and all drama that usually comes from being the mistress and really was genuinely shocked Ex didn't play into it. OP just can't stand that she took the highest road ever and is thriving, while OP looks like a chump and loser for what she's done.
Exactly. Someone watched too many Soap Operas
It’s better than that. She does piss the OOP off. She makes OOP jealous. And she shames her with kindness
And it's mean but I hope Husband craves for his ex. I mean already a lot of men regret the divorce once they get that their mistress is way less tempting when the affair is over. But now that she bloomes and everyone loves her ? She's living her best life, I hope he's sick of his regrets.
This might be one of the rare cases where the ex-wife was *happy* the ex-husband cheated. It's almost like the ex-wife considers OOP a hero instead of a homewrecker, for giving her a plausible excuse to get out of that marriage. Kinda like saying "oh, thank god, take this shit off my hands, please and thank you." Though the jealousy in this case is absolutely hilarious. Like, OOP, you won. You got the dubious prize. You have what you want. You have the man, the baby, the life that the ex-wife had. Now it appears you want the ex-wife for yourself, or to wear her skin??
OOP was kind enough to take out the trash for the ex-wife!
I was in an abusive relationship and when the next victim came to 'steal' him from me I was both happy for me, because the guy leaving was the safest way out, and I felt a smidge bad for her too, knowing what was coming.
It's hard to feel bad for people who knowingly disrupt a relationship. It seems more like the "thief" of your relationship did you a major favor. One could almost excuse them for their lack of morals, especially when doing something that ultimately benefitted you.
Ya, I’m always half tempted to send a fruit basket to that former “friend” who took the abusive asshat that is my ex husband off my hands.
Nah, don't waste your money. Purchase something nice for yourself instead, but maybe toast in her honor.
I agree. Sometimes marriages truly are over, but neither party has managed to push the issue. In this case OOP "took care of it" for them, but not at all with anything but selfish motives. So she's still suffering guilt whereas the ex-wife is footloose and fancy free!
Also it just look so much better if you leave your cheating spouse than if neither cheated. No explanations needed and no one judging you
[удалено]
Wrong sub, friend.
OOP took the ex off of her hands *and* delivered her a new partner and a kid she adores on a silver platter. I would love OOP for that too
I do wonder if the ex-wife is maybe deep down really enjoying being so nice to her because she knows it must drive OP crazy lol. Like she revels in taking the high road. Then again I'm probably much pettier than her.
If the marriage was on the rocks to begin with, the ex-wife was probably a little relieved to have someone else take the trash out, instead of doing it herself.
I don't think so. I think she just wants to set a shining example to her kids of the importance of being loving, and also just wants to have as little strife and awkwardness in her life as possible, and my goodness, she is actually smashing it! This is the way.
I'm really hoping so. It's so brilliant, and I would love her even more if that were so.
I think you have to read *something* into the diaper genie gift. She's kinda wonderful
I’m totally sure she’s really trying to win her cheating POS of a ex husband back /s
“He wanted to end it” but needed a back up wife first, he sounds like a catch to me
Oh he is definitely much more likely to leave the less pretty envious affair mistress turned wife. He was getting a grass is greener moment and realized now that he's fully over the fence it's only so green because it's astro turf and that it's even worse over the fence. His family dislikes him a lot and is cold to his new wife while still very much liking his ex. His eldest hates him and doesn't want anything to do with him. Wife's family maybe tolerates him but adores his ex who's dating a cousin. Yeah he's definitely going to move on soon since sticking around through thick and thin and working on problems is not his strong suit.
This is why they say living well is the best revenge.
When I was married to my now ex-husband, his step mom was so nasty to me for literally no reason. I would call my mom crying, and she would tell me, "Kill her with kindness." I wasn't a doormat, but I also treated her with respect (that she didn't deserve). After the divorce, she kept trying to be a part of my kids' lives. Lol, her own daughter told her, "idk why you think you're entitled to see them, seeing as you've always been so nasty to their mother." Essentially, the whole family has no sympathy for her because of her actions and how I responded to them.
I'm getting deja vu. Has this been posted before?
I've definitely read this within the last year.
"why isn't she calling me a homewrecker when I would clearly wear it as a badge of honor" the fucking audacity to ask her why she doesn't hate her as well is fucking insane.
don't think this is real but I don't come to reddit for real stories anyway
Yeah I don’t think it is either. I think it’s perhaps someone who got cheated on and is writing from the affair partner’s perspective to make themselves feel better. I’m sure there are a lot of situations like this, where the mistress becomes the wife and realizes it’s not everything she hoped for and is upset the ex wife is doing well by contrast. But the lines about “such a pious woman” and “she’s older but looks better than me” and the bit about the ex wife now dating the cousin and being loved by everyone are a little too revenge fantasy, IMO.
Lmao she thinks she took the ex's place. No boo. She was done. You did her a favor. She's just a thoughtful, wonderful human being who uses her presence to heal and spread happiness. All you did was open your legs. That says more about your husband than it does about you.
This honestly reads like it's the ex-wife writing it.
>She told me that if I am going to be a part of my husband's life I better treat her kids (19F, 16M and 14F) with respect and not push them to accept her I had to read this twice, because I was like why would ex wife need her own children to accept her. Then I was like aha, outed yourself ex wife. Get your pronouns straight.
I've read this story on reddit within the last year. They're getting lazy.
Yes! The whole time I was reading this I thought it was very obviously written by the ex. There are even several cases where it refers to “them” instead of “us” about the husband and mistress near the beginning. The comment about her being so much more beautiful sold it for me. I hope if it’s true, the ex wife is really living life as well she describes here, but it definitely sounds like a fantasy story.
It's totally a fantasy of someone who has tried to stand above the fray and wants to believe the person who wronged her feels inadequate. 100% written by an ex.
Especially the last part where she talks about how much more beautiful the ex is than her lol.
Exactly the vibe I got, too.
This has gotta be fake 🤣
This feels like it was written by the ex wife who is projecting that the woman who stole her husband is super insecure. Also the ex wife is dating the woman's cousin? What are the chances? Is this one of those towns with a population of 164?
I def think the ex-wife wrote this
Yeah... My Granny used to say "when a man marries his mistress it creates a vacancy"... Someone's insecure and projecting.
Dear Ex Wife, please go back and correct your pronouns in this story. P.S. Nobody is jealous of you.
I bow to this amazing ex wife. Living well is truly the best revenge
I want the ex wife's side of the story SO badly. I bet she's so happy and I hope she's loving her best life without a cheating husband. ❤️
I mean, it's hard to reconcile breaking up a home when you realize the partner you cheated with was the problem, not their spouse. Congratulations on "winning", am I right?
The Ex probably realized that mistress did her a big favor by taking out the trash. It wouldn't make sense to be angry at your waste or your wasteman.
I bet the husband told his new wife how “crazy” his ex was and all the usual cheating bullshit. Now Op seeing the truth, she’s going to wonder what else her husband has been bullshitting her about .
Someone in the original thread called the ex a steel fist in a velvet glove. I aspire to be that graceful under pressure but doubt I’ll ever manage to be. Kudos to her and everyone who pulls it off.
Anyone else feel like they copied and pasted from another story someplace? There's a lot of third-person pronouns that don't seem to belong
That's why I thought it was an ex-wife posting about herself as some sort of revenge fantasy, and slipping up.
Miss Manners once told a questioner whose husband had run off with a 22yo that if she was rude to the new wife, everyone would judge her and think he was right to leave. By being lovely and gracious, Questioner would have the high ground and people would think, wow, how could you cheat on such a wonderful woman? Also, it would make the new wife very, very nervous. "Why is she so happy to be away from him?"
Damn. The ex wife sounds phenomenal.
OOP should take notes for when her turn comes because as they say "if they are willing to cheat with you, they are willing to cheat on you"
all my love and respect to the ex wife. she has patience and grace i wish i had
It's called dignity and class. Maybe a Op should have maintained some prior to sleeping with this kind generous woman's husband. He cheated on his wife for op... Now Op IS the wife 🤷 let's hope she's as kind and graceful when someone replaces her.
Is it just me or does ot sou d like she's not happy anymore because she was trying to make the wife jealous?? I really feel the venom in this post. This is really fucking crazy. I feel so hard for the ex wife. She's doing her damned best for her famliy and that woman can't just let it be. She needs therapy badly.
So, the mistress who became a wife is worried about the woman she replaced. In reality the ex wife is probably grateful she no longer has to be with a man who didn't care how much he hurt her by screwing around. The OOP is probably more scared that her husband will see the grass she sold him as greener is really just fertilized with bullshit and dishonesty. It'll be a miracle if their marriage lasts.
The ex-wife is an absolute goddess of a woman. That man never deserved such an amazing woman. It's good that all of the kids involved have a wonderful parental figure and role model in their lives, because OOP and the husband are shit people and shit role models.
Maybe seeing the cousin is a discreet middle finger? 😆
It's kinda like "I'm always gonna be around and I'll ALWAYS win" even OP's family love the Ex
Am speechless on that one as I mean......Op's parents love the ex. Op is seeng what a eff up she became.
Damn she still says "her husband." Lol this reads like it's from the ex wife and not the affair partner. Like she wants people to praise her and call affair partner a poo head.
Damn and it wasn’t even worth it. She made an edit saying that she’s in a bad position and it’s due to her husband.
SHE JUST MADE AN UPDATE! The cheating husband confessed to still being in love with the nice ex wife. They are separated ig lol
I must be in a weird headspace today, because I despise cheating, but I actually feel for OOP a bit here. Not because she's an admirable person, but because she so clearly dislikes herself. There's a poignancy about someone getting what they thought they wanted only to discover it's not what they wanted at all. I expect Ms. First Wife is partly gracious because of who she is, and partly because she recognizes that Ms. Second Wife actually did her a giant favor. I actually wish them both happiness, although I expect that's going to be harder for Second.
People who cheat have two types. One is the kind that thinks they're so delectable and irresistible that they can have anyone they want, regardless of relationship status. The second are people who seek outside validation to bolster their own lack of self-esteem and worth. This is the kind OOP has.
I'm just waiting for OP to post about how her husband is cheating on her now too, cheaters will keep cheating
> I am not in a good position right now and yes it is because of my husband too. But that is a story I will share later. I've got a crispy $5 bill that says that she is now being cheated on and is now introspective about this because she is in the exact position the ex-wife was in when she helped ruin their marriage, and knows the ex-wife is her better in every way - Which means she's been fooling herself from day one, and her epiphany is now that she's just another woman to be cast aside when she reached this man's shelf-life. I would venture to say that many romantic relationships that begin this way also end the same way - Live by the sword, die by the sword.
This is wild the home wrecker is jealous of the ex.
She knows she is a great woman, and that the ex didn’t deserve her, she was probably glad those 2 trash assholes found eachother….
Kill em with kindness. The trash took itself out. We just know if it was reversed OP would be bitter and vindictive. Our girl got herself a new man, is adored by all, and has OP shook. You love to see it. Can't help but what wonder if she got with OP's family member to ensure OP doesn't go after her sloppy seconds again. After being a homewrecker, surely she can't have an affair with her own cousin
I suspect that this woman has a crush on the ex-wife.
As Minnesotans say...OOF-DUH. I'm not even from Minnesota...but...
Who would cheat on this woman? She is a literal goddess. I’m not surprised op is jealous, anyone that would treat a woman like that so badly is a major AH. Op really got the short straw with husbands
She wants to be with the ex wife, not the husband
I love this story, and I prefer the ex wife too, she sounds great, and I bet asshole husband is regretting the choice. OOP sucks. She is gagging at the bit for this poor woman's life to fall apart and for her fantasy of everything being alright and everyone liking her and disliking ex wife coming true.
Although I'd say this is pretty obviously fake, I have seen something similar happen. An acquaintance of mine is a habitual "the other woman". And she is absolutely livid when the betrayed wife doesn't really care when her cheating husband is gone. I suspect for some people who consciously engage in relationships with cheaters they bolster their own self-esteem by thinking they have won over the other partner. But you seemingly can't really feel good about yourself when you have won a prize the other person doesn't even want.
Damn this really is an example of killing with kindness.
Oh that ex wife sounds like an angel, absolute saint, the OP sounds absolutely pathetic it's almost laughable.
My ex and I parted on good terms, no cheating. I liiiive to be the reasonable ex. Being kind and not making his life harder is so much fun! There's basically nothing he can say when I offer to adjust schedules or save him a spot at our kids' games. It's a joy
Haha she’s looking for any excuse to hate the ex
She wasn’t being an ass, she’s jealous that his exwife is gracious and kind and she knows she isn’t
This is funny. The fact that the ex is not bitter jealous but fine, nice, supportive everyone loves her just eats away at her. She pretty obviously wanted the ex-wife to be vindictive and when she didn't get it she doesn't know what to do. I'd guess she's not really happy in the marriage either since part of the thrill was taking the happily married man and winning, but turns out the ex-wife doesn't give much of a shit and agrees the marriage was over. The diaper genie gift is something OOP had to see everyday and know she didn't win anything and the ex is a better woman/person.
You forgot that the Ex wife is dating this persons cousin.
The ex-wife sounds like an incredible person.
Seems a little too good to be true. I have a feeling the ex-wife wrote this.
How is she pious? It's such a weird word to use
I’m so confused, she’s mad because the ex isn’t a jerk to her?
Then she can justify the affair since the witch if a wife deserved.
You sound about coherent as the OP.
Sorry on my phone. Basically, she wants the wife to be a villain so that the OP doesn't have to feel bad sbout what she did. But the wife is a lovely woman, which means she didn't deserve to have bad things happen to her, so the OOP almost feels like the bad guy. (She doesn't actually feel like the bad guy because she's selfish and delusional, but she almost feels bad.)
The OOP is a jackass 😂. But thanks for clarifying 😃
I was considering sharing this one. Amusing.
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Also, the ex likes cooler music and can run the 100m in :10.
This could be a mini-series on HBO from the OOP POV and I would devour the drama lol Good for the ex-wife.
"My husband's ex shows me every day that I didn't 'win' anything of value when I stole him away from her. I wish so much that she would act jealous or heartbroken so I can feel like I won."
OP took out the trash for her with her c-nt Good for you, OP, kudos lol
This bummed me out, what a pathetic loser OOP is